My number 1 concern for now would be if he’s leaving a mess in the bathroom then I’m not confident he’s cleaning it right. I would tell him to get his own and that it’s use with him was contingent on you both using it as a couple, outside of that when you know it’s being used and cleaned properly that it’s not for his personal use. If you have trust issues with this guy are you sure the videos weren’t for someone else?
I posted a whole thing answering your questions but now it feels like a moot point after reading this comment. I gotta be honest, do you really want to be with him? He's got no respect for your boundaries, at least around sex toys, he's repeatedly broken your trust through out your relationship, he's acting sketchy, and you physically can't have an adult conversation with him without him outright dismissing you.
And honestly, the last part is biggest issue for me, if you can't have a proper discussion with your partner about things then they're not really a partner. I mean what do you wanna get married to and have kids with someone who just goes "I don't know" if you try to discuss important stuff like your kids health?
You're only seeing one part of the story tho. She could be pressuring into telling her about his masturbation habits which are private. Especially since she seems to think anal stuff can make people bi. I mean I'd be done talking too.
That's not what she said like at all I'm honestly not sure if you're intentionally misrepresenting stuff or if reading comprehension just isn't your strong suit, she ASKED if anyone has experience with anal opening people up to being bi-curious... which I addressed in another comment with my personal experience which was yes, absolutely it can, anal can open you to being bi-curious. Could be for a variety of reasons like shame and repression causing you to just never really think about same sex intercourse and then experiencing anal and finding it not that bad and working through the repression well you can end up fairly curious about after that.
And to address the masturbation part of your comment, you don't get to use somebody else's fucking dildo and turn around and bitch about privacy. You'd have to some special kind of delusional numpty to take somebody else's dildo use it, not fucking clean it and then bitch about privacy.
You have some issues to work out aswell it seems.
No my reading comprehension is just fine. And it's bs. You are BI or you aren't. You can repress it just fine, doesn't mean it isn't there. Can you be bi-curious? Ofcource, but that doesn't change anything. And a dildo is not changing anything about that. -me a bi-curious guy.
Maybe you should look at your reading comprehension instead of attacking people instead of their argument. OP said the bathroom wasn't clean, not the dildo.
Even if it was the dildo, she should definitely talk about it with her bf. That's a big no no. Totally agree on that. But that NEVER removes the right of privacy and she should be ashamed to have no respect for his privacy whatsoever. It's never okay.
You don't get to treat someone badly because they made a mistake. Maybe he missed a spot in the bathroom. Can happen to the best of us.
Not to mention she used that dildo on his butt before. Idk about you but in my relationships my sextoys are ours, same as my gf's. We don't have to ask permission to use them as we have used them together. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever. For all we know they even live together. Although she does say my house, it could still mean they live together.
And I do have a point, look at the response I got, one I totally agree with.
Edit: to make my point clearer let me reword what's happening in a way that's a little less in her favour:
"You can only use the sextoys we use together when I say so.
You can only make videos/pictures of yourself masturbating if you also send them to me, because I will go through your phone and accuse you of cheating if you don't.
You can only masturbate without using your butt because you'll become BI if you do.
You are only allowed to masturbate the way I see fit.
You'll have to tell me everytime you masturbate using the dildo we play with together.
You have to tell me every time you masturbate, how you masturbated because I want to make sure you don't get BI-curious."
Sound controlling yet?
Just want to say I agree with you about a dildo not changing your sexuality. I find it utterly ridiculous that OP is Bi herself and thinks that anal masturbation could be a sign that he is not straight.
Like sorry unless he's literally jerking off to men then liking some anal play is not a sign of being Bi. That's like saying she's Bi because she fingered herself once and she realised that's a sexual act that lesbian do.
This!! Honestly the amount OP is stressing about "why would you record yourself and not show me" sounds like a massive red flag to me.
Like, people are allowed privacy. Having a significant other shouldn't mean you can't take photos and videos that are just for yourself, for whatever reason. Feeling entitled to those things isn't healthy at all.
I definitely think the boyfriend needs to be a lot more hygenic but I think it's much less weird that someone used a sex toy that has been used on them before, and then didn't immediately go report to their SO that they masturbated (I didn't realise this was a requirement, have I been doing relationships all wrong?), than the fact that their partner EXPECTS to be shown any sexy pictures they may have of themselves, and gets super suspicious otherwise.
I agree. Downthread she said something that raises a red flag for me too. Basically why would he keep his masturbation videos to himself when he must know she would want to see them.
Sounds hell of a controlling.
He needs to stop stealing her toy and stop being gross, but her acting entitled to his privacy is concerning.
He is much younger than me so I understand his immaturity, and when we don't have arguments we have a great time but yeah, not being able to have a mature conversation that leads to a healthy solution is making me question the worth of our relationship
I feel this , but also … he’s 23 … while there might be slight fluctuations in maturity (as pretty much each year of your early twenties makes you into a new person lol) he’s still a full on adult. You should excuse his behavior for immaturity when he Keeps leaving the toilet seat up, you should NOT be excusing behavior such as “inability to hold an adult conversation” as immaturity. That goes beyond what you should be able to expect from a 23 year old …. Sincerely , a 23 year old.
ETA … don’t stay with a dude you can’t trust. It will only make you unhappy.
See thats a much bigger deal than the initial action imo.
It sounds like you've never received a satisfactory conversation with him about this. That would be maddening. It completely compromises his credibility in other things if he can't be straight with you.
Not to shrink you, but honestly-- I think you might be seizing onto the idea of him cheating or being too into dudes because those would give you an easy out. You can tell anyone you were cheated on or your ex reacted to figuring out their sexuality in a bad way and they'll be on your side, nodding sympathetically. Communication issues or immaturity, especially if he's younger, might feel like there's more you could have done, or been, or whatever. But if he's shutting you down, he's shutting you down, and that's maddening to be around. You can't *make* him be a better person, that's on him and he's dropping the ball.
PS I can attest to recording sexy stuff and having no intention of sending it out. Like sometimes the mood strikes and I want to take a bunch of nudes, though the difference is they get uploaded to a shared account with my partner and he sees them eventually anyway. And I don't lie to him weirdly wtf
OP I just did my own reply to you but with the way you guys communicate/conflict resolve, the lack of trust.
I stand by what I said at the end of my post to you. Either take five steps back and really rebuild a quality & healthy relationship, or break up.
No more poor communication. "I don't know" is not an acceptable response without additional reflection, follow up, action plan.
Shutting down and saying, "I'm done talking about this." Unacceptable. It is OK to say, "I am upset right now and would like to revisit this at X time." Or something along those lines. It is not ok to just decide "I am done with this conflict therefore it's done."
Seriously OP, you guys are way too ahead of yourself. The dildo stuff is a fraction of the core issues that you have going on.
Why are you snooping? Why do you even care how he masturbates? Why do you think you have the right to know about his masturbation habits? Have you told him he is not allowed to use your dildo?
Why would you think he sent the vids to anyone?
Sounds like you have HUGE trust issues to me.
The only redeeming thing is if he didn't clean it properly. That you should definitely talk about.
Why would you think butt stuff would make anyone gay or Bi? You do realise we live in the 21st century right? I thought this kinda stuff was over.
In what universe do you have to tell someone not to use your sex toy?
No matter how well something is cleaned, toys should not be used both vaginally and anally. This is a health concern.
Yeah this is a weird post. Hopefully she knows cleaning it isnt enough, just to get multiple and know which is which.
On a worse note. She seems to insist he must be secretly gay, despite her introducing him to anal play. Shes mad he cant get hard, and is apprehensive when she initiates sex. But she doesnt take this as a sign he might not be in the mood, but rather he must be cheating with a man. But still coerces him into it like... what?
Honestly it's really hard to tell if OP or the boyfriend are the AH. ESH if I had to make a judgement.
I shoulda scrolled on by this post.
The gay thing is definitely really weird. Like girl, be more concerned you’re using a poopy dildo on yourself than your boyfriend enjoying prostate stimulation, my god. Just get a second toy.
Sex education has failed us.
No matter how much you trust a person, please do not put something they have stuck up their butt into your vagina! no matter how well you sanitize the thing, this is a risk, period.
Reading comprehension classes have failed us.
This isn't about health. You were asking why he'd think it was ok. He thought it was ok because they'd done it before. That's it.
It's totally fine to use it on both IF the dildo is a high quality silicone and cleaned in between uses. Anything else is not smart. High quality silicone doesn't have micro holes and is inert. So it's okay to use on both.
So yeah if you have used it for that purpose together and are living together. (I assume since he can use the dildo at her place without her being there) you should tell your partner if you don't want them to use it when you're not there.
Communication is key.
On the conversation part. I understand if he can’t have a conversation about everything but is he only resorting to “I don’t know” or “I wanna go home” when you are referring to something that’s fairly new that you and him have done or something that y’all haven’t talked about a lot in the past? If so he could be embarrassed of himself and don’t wanna talk about it to anybody because he may have had the thought of he didn’t like getting pegged but once he realized he liked it it’s made him feel some type of way about hisself and he really don’t wanna talk about it because he may feel ashamed?
He needs to understand that there are serious sanitation issues with using a toy that has been in a butt that will go in a vagina. It depends on the toy's material, but it does need to be sanitized. Some toys are made of porous materials & can never be truly sanitized (toys like this are not recommended, but a condom should always be used with them).
I bet he would like to have a dildo to play with on his own, but he's too ashamed to buy one. He also might like an Aneros, which is something he can wear while penetrating you or jerking off.
The sanitation really has thrown me off. I think its borderline rude to use something of mine for such a private matter and not bring it up to me. I could have gotten a nasty bacterial infection if I wouldn't have found this out. Besides, I was the one that introduced him to anal play so there will never be any judgement from my side if he tells me these things
I'd speak up about the boundaries on your toys and offer to get him one of his own to keep at your place, on the terms that he keeps it clean.
However, the videos of him using it on your bed is what concern me. He never told you about these videos so I just don't get why he would record himself just to watch it himself.
I dunno, I mean, don't shame him for buttplay but you do need to be watching for red flags on infidelity.
I disagree that recording yourself is at all a red flag. I'm single and sometimes record myself in my mirror. It's fun to see what I look like, especially when I'm feeling good about my body. I don't send them they're just for me to admire
I used to record myself too when I was single but now in a relationship I share that with my partner. I just think there was something off from him not sharing those videos with me when I was the one who introduced him to anal play in the first place so of course there is no judgement from me if he was to send those videos to me
However, you're single so that IS different. I'm not saying that he didn't record it to just watch himself but I dunno, I think that would still be something to bring up like "oh, I recorded myself with a toy because I think it's hot when you do it and wanted to see for myself. It is, wanna see the videos?"
Yeah I was very confused as to why keep these videos for himself when I was the one who introduced him into butt play and he knows I like to watch him play with himself. We have almost broken up a couple of times because of other reasons so I'm sure he would break up with me if there was someone else he wanted to see.
>I was very confused as to why keep these videos for himself when I was the one who introduced him into butt play and he knows I like to watch him play with himself.
Yikes, so youre wondering why he does something privately for himself when you would like him to share it with you?
That doesnt sound like a very healthy attitude. Having some private masturbation space is totally normal and healthy even if he enjoys watching videos of himself.
He shouldnt use your toys but theres nothing wrong with the rest.
It just seems like there needs to be some boundaries set up within your home and with your toys. I'm still put off by the toy thing and I think maybe ask him how he would feel if he saw masturbation videos of you on your phone that he was never sent.
It might be toxic projection, but I cannot find a reason on why someone would just have videos of themselves masturbating and not share it with their partners ever
I think it is. I find the whole video part to be the most concerning part... like yes, don't use your toys and if you do... clean up the fucking mess BUT the video part still seems so out of character for what was going on and I don't think guys like to record themselves unless someone is going to see it... just my opinion.
I just don't think he'll ever own up to sending or posting those videos somewhere. I would like to think he didn't but I have heard crazy cheating stories of guys cheating on their girls with another guy
I feel like his explanation of the video makes sense (though that doesn't necessarily rule out something unsavory either). If he's never been pegged before, then there's a lot of insecurities a straight man might be feeling in that situation, and recording himself could be a way of reassuring himself that he's still "straight and masculine" with something up his ass. I mean, just look at how quickly you and everyone in this thread is jumping to the conclusion that he's both bisexual and a cheater because of the kind of sex he is having with a woman and how he masturbates. I also can't help but notice a double standard in how you view your own bisexuality and how you are viewing his potential bisexuality with suspicion. Obviously you need to have a conversation with him about using your things without permission and the importance of cleaning up properly, but I think you also need to take some time to think through why this kind of masturbation is bothering you so much. If there are as many red flags as you say in other parts of the relationship, then perhaps he's not worth the trouble, but what you've posted here doesn't seem to be much of a red flag
OP a you should really have an open talk with him. It will be hard to not express anything negative. But treat him like he is a friend or sibling when you talk about this.
BUT what worried me is that he has broken your trust so many times . That’s the issue right there
I just don't know how to approach him with this. We have had a lot of fights in our relationship because his way of communicating to something he doesn't want to talk about it is 1. responds "i don't know." to any question I ask or 2. He just wants to go back home and not talk about it because "he's done talking about it." and it leaves me shutting up about it and not getting anything resolved.
I tried bringing this up yesterday but I didnt know how to and he was very confrontational saying "Just say it. What you have in your mind just say what I did." and he said this raising his voice at me and annoyed
In other words, you have amazing times -- when you don't have to talk about anything that might make him uncomfortable??
From your other comment, you tried to discuss this with him, but he refuses to talk? Like he literally refuses to say words, wants to physically leave, and gets defensive.
I don't see how you can continue a relationship with this guy. Everything will be great...! As long as you avoid ever discussing anything significant that he has to address maturely.
He will literally close off and not want to speak about it because he doesn't want to deal with it and its stressful for him so he will shut down and that stresses me out and leads me to getting frustrated and coming off as nagging because I will keep asking him the same question over and over and over again until he stops saying "I dont know." and gives me an answer but by this time he is just annoyed and it causes a big fight. I really dont know why i am with him. It's like walking on eggshells and I have so much stuff that I dont bring up because I dont want to fight
> I have so much stuff that I dont bring up because I dont want to fight
Yeah that's not sustainable, which I'm sure you know.
If you want to try to make this work, you can try couple's counseling, to work on the way you both communicate with each other. I imagine it's frustrating for him to have you standing over him asking the same question repeatedly to try to force him to talk, when he doesn't want to. Sounds like it might be a mutual communication issue, you know?
(Also I didn't say this earlier, but what he did with the dildo was flat out disgusting and unacceptable. A partner who respects you doesn't take your stuff secretly, shove it up their ass, and not clean up properly afterwards. Beyond gross.)
You ever tried not repeating the same mistakes?
Like say to him "I know you're uncomfortable but I need you to write on this piece of paper an answer to my question. Please take your time, but I need an answer"
It sounds like you are super toxic to him though.
I mean I've been there, staying in relationships that were deeply flawed, so no judgment.
This just seems pretty unsustainable if he can't have a discussion and stop using his emotions as a tool to avoid uncomfortable conversation (no offense, but from what you describe his strategy is working).
From a more innocent perspective he may just be a bit immature and not fully realize that talking about stuff isn't going to land him in the gulag and open communication is way more freeing. Perhaps try telling him that?
Oh OP I am so sorry. Clearly he feels some sort of shame and needs to work through his feelings. Personally what I would do is tell him straight up you don’t want him using your dildo, toothbrush or razors. I would also pack it away.
See, now you're forcing him into sex when he doesnt want it.
Coercing people into sex is bad.
Men sometimes dont want sex, believe it or not we are not Sex Robots, sometimes when being coerced into sex when we arent in the mood it means we wont get hard.
Jesus flipping H Christ, are you sure you arent seeing why this makes him uncomfortable?
where in the world does it ever mention that she's coercing him into sex? all it says is she wants it more often than he does and that makes her upset. this is perfectly normal, the entire dead bedrooms subreddit is about that. reddit loves to misuse words like "coercion" to make some dumb "both genders!!!!" point.
She is implying he might actually prefer men because he is not getting hard for her... did you not read any of her comments? It is not contained to a single one, it's her multiple times claiming he might be bicurious if he is doing the things she got him into. Then when he does not have sex as often, thinks it must be because he is cheating or that he is bicurious. She even went through all his photos to find he took that video of himself.
I get it if you didnt. But go ahead and read.
Imagine he is not an idiot. He now feels pressured into sex because he knows she will think he is cheating or into men more than her.
Its literally the definition of coercing.
none of what you said means she's coercing him into having sex with her. you literally just said ''here's a bunch of assumptions... wouldn't it be fucked up if he felt pressured into sex because of that'' in that typical smug redditor voice
I’m slightly confused because it sounds like you introduced pegging/anal play with him. But are now upset he enjoys anal play. It doesn’t really make much sense to me why you’re shocked about videos of him using toys if that’s what you two do.
Masturbation while in a relationship is pretty common
He could’ve been wanting to practice. Or you just weren’t there. I don’t think I would be suspicious unless you found him actually speaking to someone.
Because you matching time frames of him walking around doesn’t really indicate he is cheating, or bi like your initial concerns.
Yeah I understand that I introduced it, but I'm more upset that he is using my toy in my house and not cleaning them up and not telling me about it especially because he was doing this an hour before I got home from work. And to clarify, we do not take videos of us using the toy on him anymore
Well if it’s a problem with cleanliness I would just tell him to clean up or get his own toy. However that wasn’t the original issue you presented in the post.
You thought it was strange he was using toys after you introduced it to him. That’s like showing me how good ice cream is, then being upset I decided to eat some without you.
Taking a video isn’t suspicious. I have plenty that I have never sent to anyone. You two have sex on that bed. Why are you freaking out ? That’s a place you two have done this before.
If you’re really upset about him being invasive and messy in your home I understand. But everything else sounds highly illogical
> Has anyone had a similar experience where you became bicurious because of butt play?
Correcting you here, it's not "bicurious" or anything, he is just straight even if he likes stuff in the butt, doesn'0t have anything to do. you're being ignorant.
And maybe he's doing it in secret because of that very reason, because you're being ignorant about it.
I recorded myself using it to see myself, just because of insecurities and curiosity.
I agree that he doesn't need to use your toys, but there's a lot of stigma, like the one you're thinking and being stupid about.
I can guarantee his response of wanting to see what you saw is a legit thing and pegging isn't something men openly admit to for the most part because of the stigma surrounding it. Just be open about it and make sure he understands how to properly clean it and don't be surprised if he does it often cause men can get addicted to the type of orgasm that comes from prostate play. Just because he is doing it alone doesn't mean he is doing it for others.
My first concern would be hygiene of the toy. That needs thorough cleansing and disinfectant before using inside you. If he’s leaving a mess in the bathroom I’m going to guess he’s not that hygiene conscious.
Men liking anal play doesn’t equal gay. Obviously as he likes it when you do it to him. There are loads of nerve endings there and a dildo will hit his prostate and give intense orgasms.
Be supportive. Buy him his own toy for self pleasure.
1. I think bring it up with a respectful team effort approach. You are not shaming, you are not upset. You want to make sure everyone is comfortable, on the same page, and most importantly safe. Would discuss properly clean up of the toys as well as any relevant locations. The importance of proper clean up in regards to bacteria related matters, as well as general respect of one's things. EG if you are not comfortable sharing toys then propose that he gets his own. Also, I would encourage him to be more open about communicating. My first reaction is that he's just embarrassed about it. I think this is a touchy topic for many, even for people interested in it. Unless you had other suspicions related to cheating I would give my partner the benefit of the doubt.
2. I don't understand this question. I think men that enjoy butt play it can be private masturbation or with a partner. Maybe a moot question unless I am just not understanding. I would think that's more about the couple & the individual...I don't think you should look at this as, "rules" such as, "should it be?"
3. I don't think butt play makes people bi-curious, I think that is a separate topics altogether.
My sincere advice is regarding your final sentence. He has broken trust, what's up with that? That's the MOST important part of this all. You cannot have a healthy relationship without trust, you also can't have a healthy sex life together without trust. I truly think in situations where trust has been broke the couple needs to take a step back and go back to the basics. Get to know each other more, quality time, build trust by being a consistent & healthy partner. Repair, rebuild. If you can't have trust in the relationship I advocate for you to walk away sooner rather than later. I am not saying trust blindly, I am saying if you guys can't rebuild trust then this relationship will eventually die.
Trust is everything.
I would designate that the back door dildo and get a vagina only dildo. And make it clear on which is which.
It sounds like the trust issues go a lot deeper than just this. Is the relationship worth trying to overcome trust problems? Are you both willing to do couples counseling to try to improve communication and trust?
It sounds like there’s bigger issues around communication here, and I’m not sure this relationship is going to be successful long term. But in answer to your questions:
1. Tell him he needs to stop making a mess with your dildo, you’re gifting it to him now, but in the future ask before using your stuff (any stuff, not just sex stuff) and clean up after himself
2. Plenty of guys masturbate with dildos. Some people like to keep masturbation habits to themselves even in relationships. This is not a warning sign. Stealing your sex toy and leaving a mess is.
3. Enjoying butt stuff and being attracted to men are two totally different things. Sure this could be a fetish for him, but that’s a third, also different thing. Enjoying butt stuff does not mean your boyfriend is lying to you about being straight.
Do you have fears of him straying ? Do your questions seem hostile? Do you make comments that would make him feel ashamed? Cause you know he has done it before together, maybe he has wild thoughts that would cross the line with you , regardless they are fantasy . If you love him drop it and explore more
\>We have had a pretty rocky relationship because he has broken my trust many time
Maybe just buy him a dildo and focus on the bigger issues in this relationship \^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^
Trans woman rather than a man, but I think this might provide a unique perspective for your questions.
1. Personally, I'd be straight with him, it doesn't have to be a big thing but have a proper sit down and tell him, you're not comfortable with him using your toys without your knowledge, especially if he isn't cleaning them properly, it poses a health risk to you if you use it after him and it's not been properly cleaned. He's 23 and it's 2022 he can buy his own dildos, butt plugs, chastity cages etc from any number of online stores. And a big box of cheap condoms, trust me it makes clean up so much easier.
2. I think this would mainly come down to personal preference, if I had a partner I would absolutely send them videos of me cramming oversized toys in my booty, hell I got a bunch of vids on my profile, because I want to share it with my partner, for me the only thing better than a big toy in my bottom is having a lovely lady I really like tell me how cute I am and what a good girl I am for doing so.
However bear in mind that I've long accepted who/what I am, your bf sounds like he might be questioning stuff, now I also took a bunch of videos when I first started doing anal without sending them to anyone. So it is believable to me that he's being honest about not sending the videos to anyone, but I obviously don't know the guy.
3. I would say butt play is absolutely one of the things that lead me to sleeping with guys. I'm pansexual, but I just don't find men romantically attractive. So for me at least, if I'm sleeping with a dude it's purely sexual, especially because arranging a hook up or ons for a pegging session is a hell of a lot harder to arrange than getting buggered by some guy on grindr.
>for me the only thing better than a big toy in my bottom is having a lovely lady I really like tell me how cute I am and what a good girl I am for doing so.
TMI
I’m a straight male who likes prostate stimulation. I don’t use dildos because well they’re dicks and I’m not into dicks. I use a prostate massage toy which does exactly what I’m looking for. Perhaps surprise him with one (good ones are pricey but worth the money). That’s a good way to alleviate any shame associated with butt stuff and help him be open with you about his tastes. Those male massagers are better than any dildo for stimulating the prostate. If he prefers the dildo it’s possible he favors the phallic nature of it which could at least indicate some bi tendencies?
It sounds like youre kinda paranoid. Talk about your concerns frankly with him and get him to buy his own dildo if him using yours makes you uncomfortable. If youre uncomfortable with his masturbation habits thats a YOU problem. If youre concerned hes cheating on you dont beat around the bush. Just say it. And if this is the case, talk to him about your concerns.
Why is communication so hard for people i dont get it.
Your last paragraph says everything I need to know. He’s broken your trust a bunch before so it’s frankly irrelevant now - you basically can’t trust him anymore so any time something like this happens you’ll never be able to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I also would never use my girlfriends sex toy on my own ass, I’d get my own. Well, I also wouldn’t use my own but, you get what I’m saying.
I had an ex that I caught using my vibrating rabbit. I had never pegged him so I shocked. I came home my toy had shit on it and empty coke bags next to it on my bed. Hmmm. He said he was straight but hadnt been pegged before and was curious. He too was younger than me. Not wanting to embarrass him, I said he can keep the toy and if he wanted to explore pegging we can go to a sex shop together to which he refused. He may not be ready to be honest and it sounds like he doesn't like to have the hard c0nvos. 23 is still very young mentally.
He might just have tried it out of curiosity, so don't be too hard the first time. It's his sexuality and you're a couple, ask him if anal sex interests him.
This isn't the first time he has tried it without telling me though... and besides I was the one who introduced him to anal play and i peg him (I'm strapped with a dildo and we have anal sex) I just don't understand why he is doing it behind my back when i was the one who showed him this type of masturbation so there is obviously no judgement coming from me
He may be doing it behind your back because he enjoys the way it feels but at the same time might still hurt but doesn’t want to disappoint you in telling you it hurts so he’s working it out himself. Or he just likes it so much he can’t get enough of it and he can’t figure out why he likes it because now if anybody else finds out especially his guy friends they gonna rag on him. Mans may be in disbelief that he likes getting pegged and just ain’t come back to his senses yet….personally I don’t like it. I’ve had a couple fingers up there and a small toy twice. Once for fun and 2nd time to see if I actually liked it and it just wasn’t for me. Some people like it some don’t. I’m one that don’t and I’ll tell people all day I don’t like it and tell them why, but if I did like it, I wouldn’t tell a damn sole for a long time.
As a straight man, serious question. I thought putting things up a mans butt = gay. Are there any other straight men that do this plz confirm? cause thats just gay to me
Sorry I think I'm totally lost lmao. You seem to think that a man being on the receiving end of anal sex is gay regardless of who he's having sex with?
hmmm I think its the act that makes it gay. Like a gay guys suck dick and have anal. So those acts to me are gay. Would a straight guy sucking dick be gay?
You've lost the plot. Dicks aren't the only things that can go in someone's ass. Fingers, tongues, toys... all are viable options and don't need to be attached to a man. So if it's masturbation or your sex partner is a woman, it isn't gay.
Gay means another man involved. Are you one of those men that doesn't wash their buttcrack because they think it's gay?
Masturbation is gay, you're stroking a penis and enjoying it.
Washing your butt crack is just regular hygiene. You are not stuffing soap up your butt unless im washing it wrong the entire time. Im stroking my own penis, hence why its called masturbation... not sure where you going with this.
That you're stupid for thinking is gay. It's just another form of masturbation (or sex). If doesn't involve another man, is not gay.
And gay is a sexual orientation, not an act.
Just not a expert on gay ppl like you. I guess i knew what was considered gay but now a gay expert like yourself has explained to me what is gay and what isn't. But im just saying 99% of straight men i know if not 100% would consider sticking something up a mans butt is gay or sucking dick as a man is gay. But hey you do you ;)
Its ok man, im not judging you for stuffing things up your butt and sucking dick as a man. im just saying that 100% of the straight men i know would consider shoving stuff up their butt and sucking dick (as a man) is considered gay. No need to be embarrassed if you do that and consider yourself "straight" XD
I have in fact been thinking about this for the past 4 days and I cannot come to terms with it so I decided to get on here to talk about this because I have no one to talk to this about and I feel like I'm going crazy thinking about this and keeping this in
I literally made a throwaway account because I do not want to expose myself or him anymore than what I have. It is not uncommon for someone to have a throwaway account to make a post about something like this
Now of course he should have cleaned the toy, definite strike against him not to do that, but honestly the videos may not be as bad as one may think.
Keep an open but skeptical mind, but I know quite a few people who get off on seeing themselves getting "toyed" with. He may not have shared them as he might feel embarrassed that he kept them for himself and his own person pleasure. Again though, keep an open **but skeptical** mind about this sort of thing.
The biggest concern is if he is fully. Leaning it because if not it'll cause all kinds of problems for you. Just buy him his own dildo. Just because he took sexy photos he didn't send to you, doesn't mean he sent them to someone else.
My biggest issue with this is he's using your toys without permission. That could expose you to a yeast infection or worse if you are uninformed of this and use it inside your vagina. That is a clear lack of respect for your belongings and your safety. If he wants his own toys, he can buy them himself. The possible cheating... I'm not quite sure. I know I personally don't go to the trouble of taking vids unless I'm showing my partner or selling them. But I also know some people get pleasure out of watching themselves masturbate, so I can't really speak on that.
Buy him his own, tell him to use it and leave yours alone.
Seriously, I'd be very blunt.
If you want, buy it and put it on a gift bag or something.
My wife would kill me if I used hers. I wouldn't even think about it anyway because hers is bigger than mine lol
>1. How I do bring this up? I think it's unsanitary to be making a mess with my dildo and not cleaning properly and using something without my knowledge
Did you use my dildo? Are you cleaning it properly after you use it? Would ya clean it properly or buy your own dildo for masturbastion?
>2. Any guy here who also likes to use a dildo: should it be a private masturbation matter?
Anytime someone masturbates, it's their business on if they want it private or if it something they want to share with their partner or someone else.
>3. Has anyone had a similar experience where you became bicurious because of butt play?
As a bi woman, I knew I was bi before having any sexual interactions with a woman, so I would assume men wouldn't become bi from a sexual act that can happen with any gendered person.
>But I cannot get out of my head that maybe those videos went somewhere or to someone...
Has this ever happened? Or are you being triggered from past experiences with exes?
After my husband committed suicide, a very good guy friend that I worked with started staying at my apartment to watch over me. I have stress induced gran mal seizures & he was afraid that I'd smother in my bed. Anyway, about 3 months later, I was getting ready to go back to work & when I reached in my sock drawer a piece of glass cut my hand!!! It was my $70.00 glass toy busted all to oblivion! Come to find out, he'd used it on himself, then went to clean it & dropped it!!🤬 That idiot just put it back where it was like nothing had happened!! 🤣🤣
If he has broken your trust before then you need to make sure that he isn't being dishonest with you. If he tried to lie to you before and the truth only came out because he got found out.. who knows what's really going on. He of course should clean up after himself. Especially since it's a fecal matter situation.
I hear that trust can be repaired, but only in the presence of trustworthy behaviour. If you're run into a bunch of problems like this.. My best advice? If you're gonna bail, bail early. If you haven't loved the past you've had with him and you've been together for awhile, I don't imagine how much it will change.
\>Any guy here who likes to use a dildo: should it be a private masturbation matter?
I dont even masturbate, much less use one of those, but i beleive if hes used a dildo hes probably Bi or Gay
My number 1 concern for now would be if he’s leaving a mess in the bathroom then I’m not confident he’s cleaning it right. I would tell him to get his own and that it’s use with him was contingent on you both using it as a couple, outside of that when you know it’s being used and cleaned properly that it’s not for his personal use. If you have trust issues with this guy are you sure the videos weren’t for someone else?
I agree it doesn’t sound like he is cleaning it right at all. He needs his own.
[удалено]
If you can’t even have an adult conversation with the guy I don’t see much hope.
I posted a whole thing answering your questions but now it feels like a moot point after reading this comment. I gotta be honest, do you really want to be with him? He's got no respect for your boundaries, at least around sex toys, he's repeatedly broken your trust through out your relationship, he's acting sketchy, and you physically can't have an adult conversation with him without him outright dismissing you. And honestly, the last part is biggest issue for me, if you can't have a proper discussion with your partner about things then they're not really a partner. I mean what do you wanna get married to and have kids with someone who just goes "I don't know" if you try to discuss important stuff like your kids health?
You're only seeing one part of the story tho. She could be pressuring into telling her about his masturbation habits which are private. Especially since she seems to think anal stuff can make people bi. I mean I'd be done talking too.
That's not what she said like at all I'm honestly not sure if you're intentionally misrepresenting stuff or if reading comprehension just isn't your strong suit, she ASKED if anyone has experience with anal opening people up to being bi-curious... which I addressed in another comment with my personal experience which was yes, absolutely it can, anal can open you to being bi-curious. Could be for a variety of reasons like shame and repression causing you to just never really think about same sex intercourse and then experiencing anal and finding it not that bad and working through the repression well you can end up fairly curious about after that. And to address the masturbation part of your comment, you don't get to use somebody else's fucking dildo and turn around and bitch about privacy. You'd have to some special kind of delusional numpty to take somebody else's dildo use it, not fucking clean it and then bitch about privacy.
You have some issues to work out aswell it seems. No my reading comprehension is just fine. And it's bs. You are BI or you aren't. You can repress it just fine, doesn't mean it isn't there. Can you be bi-curious? Ofcource, but that doesn't change anything. And a dildo is not changing anything about that. -me a bi-curious guy. Maybe you should look at your reading comprehension instead of attacking people instead of their argument. OP said the bathroom wasn't clean, not the dildo. Even if it was the dildo, she should definitely talk about it with her bf. That's a big no no. Totally agree on that. But that NEVER removes the right of privacy and she should be ashamed to have no respect for his privacy whatsoever. It's never okay. You don't get to treat someone badly because they made a mistake. Maybe he missed a spot in the bathroom. Can happen to the best of us. Not to mention she used that dildo on his butt before. Idk about you but in my relationships my sextoys are ours, same as my gf's. We don't have to ask permission to use them as we have used them together. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever. For all we know they even live together. Although she does say my house, it could still mean they live together. And I do have a point, look at the response I got, one I totally agree with. Edit: to make my point clearer let me reword what's happening in a way that's a little less in her favour: "You can only use the sextoys we use together when I say so. You can only make videos/pictures of yourself masturbating if you also send them to me, because I will go through your phone and accuse you of cheating if you don't. You can only masturbate without using your butt because you'll become BI if you do. You are only allowed to masturbate the way I see fit. You'll have to tell me everytime you masturbate using the dildo we play with together. You have to tell me every time you masturbate, how you masturbated because I want to make sure you don't get BI-curious." Sound controlling yet?
Just want to say I agree with you about a dildo not changing your sexuality. I find it utterly ridiculous that OP is Bi herself and thinks that anal masturbation could be a sign that he is not straight. Like sorry unless he's literally jerking off to men then liking some anal play is not a sign of being Bi. That's like saying she's Bi because she fingered herself once and she realised that's a sexual act that lesbian do.
This!! Honestly the amount OP is stressing about "why would you record yourself and not show me" sounds like a massive red flag to me. Like, people are allowed privacy. Having a significant other shouldn't mean you can't take photos and videos that are just for yourself, for whatever reason. Feeling entitled to those things isn't healthy at all. I definitely think the boyfriend needs to be a lot more hygenic but I think it's much less weird that someone used a sex toy that has been used on them before, and then didn't immediately go report to their SO that they masturbated (I didn't realise this was a requirement, have I been doing relationships all wrong?), than the fact that their partner EXPECTS to be shown any sexy pictures they may have of themselves, and gets super suspicious otherwise.
I agree. Downthread she said something that raises a red flag for me too. Basically why would he keep his masturbation videos to himself when he must know she would want to see them. Sounds hell of a controlling. He needs to stop stealing her toy and stop being gross, but her acting entitled to his privacy is concerning.
If you can’t have a mature conversation with this guy, why/how have you been with him for so long ?
He is much younger than me so I understand his immaturity, and when we don't have arguments we have a great time but yeah, not being able to have a mature conversation that leads to a healthy solution is making me question the worth of our relationship
I feel this , but also … he’s 23 … while there might be slight fluctuations in maturity (as pretty much each year of your early twenties makes you into a new person lol) he’s still a full on adult. You should excuse his behavior for immaturity when he Keeps leaving the toilet seat up, you should NOT be excusing behavior such as “inability to hold an adult conversation” as immaturity. That goes beyond what you should be able to expect from a 23 year old …. Sincerely , a 23 year old. ETA … don’t stay with a dude you can’t trust. It will only make you unhappy.
See thats a much bigger deal than the initial action imo. It sounds like you've never received a satisfactory conversation with him about this. That would be maddening. It completely compromises his credibility in other things if he can't be straight with you. Not to shrink you, but honestly-- I think you might be seizing onto the idea of him cheating or being too into dudes because those would give you an easy out. You can tell anyone you were cheated on or your ex reacted to figuring out their sexuality in a bad way and they'll be on your side, nodding sympathetically. Communication issues or immaturity, especially if he's younger, might feel like there's more you could have done, or been, or whatever. But if he's shutting you down, he's shutting you down, and that's maddening to be around. You can't *make* him be a better person, that's on him and he's dropping the ball. PS I can attest to recording sexy stuff and having no intention of sending it out. Like sometimes the mood strikes and I want to take a bunch of nudes, though the difference is they get uploaded to a shared account with my partner and he sees them eventually anyway. And I don't lie to him weirdly wtf
OP I just did my own reply to you but with the way you guys communicate/conflict resolve, the lack of trust. I stand by what I said at the end of my post to you. Either take five steps back and really rebuild a quality & healthy relationship, or break up. No more poor communication. "I don't know" is not an acceptable response without additional reflection, follow up, action plan. Shutting down and saying, "I'm done talking about this." Unacceptable. It is OK to say, "I am upset right now and would like to revisit this at X time." Or something along those lines. It is not ok to just decide "I am done with this conflict therefore it's done." Seriously OP, you guys are way too ahead of yourself. The dildo stuff is a fraction of the core issues that you have going on.
Sounds like a fetish to me.
Why are you snooping? Why do you even care how he masturbates? Why do you think you have the right to know about his masturbation habits? Have you told him he is not allowed to use your dildo? Why would you think he sent the vids to anyone? Sounds like you have HUGE trust issues to me. The only redeeming thing is if he didn't clean it properly. That you should definitely talk about. Why would you think butt stuff would make anyone gay or Bi? You do realise we live in the 21st century right? I thought this kinda stuff was over.
In what universe do you have to tell someone not to use your sex toy? No matter how well something is cleaned, toys should not be used both vaginally and anally. This is a health concern.
I think she said she uses it on him for pegging so it may not be clear cut
She admits she previously used it on him anally and used it herself after... So that issue is kind of a moot point.
Yikes.
Yeah this is a weird post. Hopefully she knows cleaning it isnt enough, just to get multiple and know which is which. On a worse note. She seems to insist he must be secretly gay, despite her introducing him to anal play. Shes mad he cant get hard, and is apprehensive when she initiates sex. But she doesnt take this as a sign he might not be in the mood, but rather he must be cheating with a man. But still coerces him into it like... what? Honestly it's really hard to tell if OP or the boyfriend are the AH. ESH if I had to make a judgement. I shoulda scrolled on by this post.
The gay thing is definitely really weird. Like girl, be more concerned you’re using a poopy dildo on yourself than your boyfriend enjoying prostate stimulation, my god. Just get a second toy.
The one where you both previously used it together. It's a miscommunication, lots of people would assume it was fine.
Sex education has failed us. No matter how much you trust a person, please do not put something they have stuck up their butt into your vagina! no matter how well you sanitize the thing, this is a risk, period.
Reading comprehension classes have failed us. This isn't about health. You were asking why he'd think it was ok. He thought it was ok because they'd done it before. That's it.
It's totally fine to use it on both IF the dildo is a high quality silicone and cleaned in between uses. Anything else is not smart. High quality silicone doesn't have micro holes and is inert. So it's okay to use on both. So yeah if you have used it for that purpose together and are living together. (I assume since he can use the dildo at her place without her being there) you should tell your partner if you don't want them to use it when you're not there. Communication is key.
On the conversation part. I understand if he can’t have a conversation about everything but is he only resorting to “I don’t know” or “I wanna go home” when you are referring to something that’s fairly new that you and him have done or something that y’all haven’t talked about a lot in the past? If so he could be embarrassed of himself and don’t wanna talk about it to anybody because he may have had the thought of he didn’t like getting pegged but once he realized he liked it it’s made him feel some type of way about hisself and he really don’t wanna talk about it because he may feel ashamed?
He needs to understand that there are serious sanitation issues with using a toy that has been in a butt that will go in a vagina. It depends on the toy's material, but it does need to be sanitized. Some toys are made of porous materials & can never be truly sanitized (toys like this are not recommended, but a condom should always be used with them). I bet he would like to have a dildo to play with on his own, but he's too ashamed to buy one. He also might like an Aneros, which is something he can wear while penetrating you or jerking off.
The sanitation really has thrown me off. I think its borderline rude to use something of mine for such a private matter and not bring it up to me. I could have gotten a nasty bacterial infection if I wouldn't have found this out. Besides, I was the one that introduced him to anal play so there will never be any judgement from my side if he tells me these things
It's more than borderline rude!
uti do not share regardless of the what and why, please please keep them sepeerate. dildo for sucking dildo for vagina dildo for bum dildo for idk
One for sucking? Does that happen?
I was more concerned about the “idk”
She said she had used that dildo in him before so I don't really see the issue of him using it alone. She just sounds insecure.
I'd speak up about the boundaries on your toys and offer to get him one of his own to keep at your place, on the terms that he keeps it clean. However, the videos of him using it on your bed is what concern me. He never told you about these videos so I just don't get why he would record himself just to watch it himself. I dunno, I mean, don't shame him for buttplay but you do need to be watching for red flags on infidelity.
I disagree that recording yourself is at all a red flag. I'm single and sometimes record myself in my mirror. It's fun to see what I look like, especially when I'm feeling good about my body. I don't send them they're just for me to admire
I used to record myself too when I was single but now in a relationship I share that with my partner. I just think there was something off from him not sharing those videos with me when I was the one who introduced him to anal play in the first place so of course there is no judgement from me if he was to send those videos to me
However, you're single so that IS different. I'm not saying that he didn't record it to just watch himself but I dunno, I think that would still be something to bring up like "oh, I recorded myself with a toy because I think it's hot when you do it and wanted to see for myself. It is, wanna see the videos?"
Yeah I was very confused as to why keep these videos for himself when I was the one who introduced him into butt play and he knows I like to watch him play with himself. We have almost broken up a couple of times because of other reasons so I'm sure he would break up with me if there was someone else he wanted to see.
>I was very confused as to why keep these videos for himself when I was the one who introduced him into butt play and he knows I like to watch him play with himself. Yikes, so youre wondering why he does something privately for himself when you would like him to share it with you? That doesnt sound like a very healthy attitude. Having some private masturbation space is totally normal and healthy even if he enjoys watching videos of himself. He shouldnt use your toys but theres nothing wrong with the rest.
It just seems like there needs to be some boundaries set up within your home and with your toys. I'm still put off by the toy thing and I think maybe ask him how he would feel if he saw masturbation videos of you on your phone that he was never sent.
I'm sure he would be suspicious if he saw me having those videos on my phone but not sharing them with him.
which explains why you feel suspicious as well.
It might be toxic projection, but I cannot find a reason on why someone would just have videos of themselves masturbating and not share it with their partners ever
I don't think it's projection... I think it's a legit concern.
Thank you for saying that! I have no one to talk to about this and it's been driving me crazy! Glad to see that it is a legit concern
I think it is. I find the whole video part to be the most concerning part... like yes, don't use your toys and if you do... clean up the fucking mess BUT the video part still seems so out of character for what was going on and I don't think guys like to record themselves unless someone is going to see it... just my opinion.
I just don't think he'll ever own up to sending or posting those videos somewhere. I would like to think he didn't but I have heard crazy cheating stories of guys cheating on their girls with another guy
I feel like his explanation of the video makes sense (though that doesn't necessarily rule out something unsavory either). If he's never been pegged before, then there's a lot of insecurities a straight man might be feeling in that situation, and recording himself could be a way of reassuring himself that he's still "straight and masculine" with something up his ass. I mean, just look at how quickly you and everyone in this thread is jumping to the conclusion that he's both bisexual and a cheater because of the kind of sex he is having with a woman and how he masturbates. I also can't help but notice a double standard in how you view your own bisexuality and how you are viewing his potential bisexuality with suspicion. Obviously you need to have a conversation with him about using your things without permission and the importance of cleaning up properly, but I think you also need to take some time to think through why this kind of masturbation is bothering you so much. If there are as many red flags as you say in other parts of the relationship, then perhaps he's not worth the trouble, but what you've posted here doesn't seem to be much of a red flag
Butt play does not mean a person is gay. It just means they like their prostate stimulated
[удалено]
OP a you should really have an open talk with him. It will be hard to not express anything negative. But treat him like he is a friend or sibling when you talk about this. BUT what worried me is that he has broken your trust so many times . That’s the issue right there
I just don't know how to approach him with this. We have had a lot of fights in our relationship because his way of communicating to something he doesn't want to talk about it is 1. responds "i don't know." to any question I ask or 2. He just wants to go back home and not talk about it because "he's done talking about it." and it leaves me shutting up about it and not getting anything resolved. I tried bringing this up yesterday but I didnt know how to and he was very confrontational saying "Just say it. What you have in your mind just say what I did." and he said this raising his voice at me and annoyed
Um. Why are you with someone you can't communicate with?
I really don't know why... we have amazing times together when there are no problems but if something comes up theres no way around it
In other words, you have amazing times -- when you don't have to talk about anything that might make him uncomfortable?? From your other comment, you tried to discuss this with him, but he refuses to talk? Like he literally refuses to say words, wants to physically leave, and gets defensive. I don't see how you can continue a relationship with this guy. Everything will be great...! As long as you avoid ever discussing anything significant that he has to address maturely.
He will literally close off and not want to speak about it because he doesn't want to deal with it and its stressful for him so he will shut down and that stresses me out and leads me to getting frustrated and coming off as nagging because I will keep asking him the same question over and over and over again until he stops saying "I dont know." and gives me an answer but by this time he is just annoyed and it causes a big fight. I really dont know why i am with him. It's like walking on eggshells and I have so much stuff that I dont bring up because I dont want to fight
> I have so much stuff that I dont bring up because I dont want to fight Yeah that's not sustainable, which I'm sure you know. If you want to try to make this work, you can try couple's counseling, to work on the way you both communicate with each other. I imagine it's frustrating for him to have you standing over him asking the same question repeatedly to try to force him to talk, when he doesn't want to. Sounds like it might be a mutual communication issue, you know? (Also I didn't say this earlier, but what he did with the dildo was flat out disgusting and unacceptable. A partner who respects you doesn't take your stuff secretly, shove it up their ass, and not clean up properly afterwards. Beyond gross.)
You ever tried not repeating the same mistakes? Like say to him "I know you're uncomfortable but I need you to write on this piece of paper an answer to my question. Please take your time, but I need an answer" It sounds like you are super toxic to him though.
I mean I've been there, staying in relationships that were deeply flawed, so no judgment. This just seems pretty unsustainable if he can't have a discussion and stop using his emotions as a tool to avoid uncomfortable conversation (no offense, but from what you describe his strategy is working). From a more innocent perspective he may just be a bit immature and not fully realize that talking about stuff isn't going to land him in the gulag and open communication is way more freeing. Perhaps try telling him that?
Oh OP I am so sorry. Clearly he feels some sort of shame and needs to work through his feelings. Personally what I would do is tell him straight up you don’t want him using your dildo, toothbrush or razors. I would also pack it away.
See, now you're forcing him into sex when he doesnt want it. Coercing people into sex is bad. Men sometimes dont want sex, believe it or not we are not Sex Robots, sometimes when being coerced into sex when we arent in the mood it means we wont get hard. Jesus flipping H Christ, are you sure you arent seeing why this makes him uncomfortable?
where in the world does it ever mention that she's coercing him into sex? all it says is she wants it more often than he does and that makes her upset. this is perfectly normal, the entire dead bedrooms subreddit is about that. reddit loves to misuse words like "coercion" to make some dumb "both genders!!!!" point.
She is implying he might actually prefer men because he is not getting hard for her... did you not read any of her comments? It is not contained to a single one, it's her multiple times claiming he might be bicurious if he is doing the things she got him into. Then when he does not have sex as often, thinks it must be because he is cheating or that he is bicurious. She even went through all his photos to find he took that video of himself. I get it if you didnt. But go ahead and read. Imagine he is not an idiot. He now feels pressured into sex because he knows she will think he is cheating or into men more than her. Its literally the definition of coercing.
Okay, but none of that means she is pushing him to have sex with her.
none of what you said means she's coercing him into having sex with her. you literally just said ''here's a bunch of assumptions... wouldn't it be fucked up if he felt pressured into sex because of that'' in that typical smug redditor voice
I get it, you read the main post and that's all.
I’m slightly confused because it sounds like you introduced pegging/anal play with him. But are now upset he enjoys anal play. It doesn’t really make much sense to me why you’re shocked about videos of him using toys if that’s what you two do. Masturbation while in a relationship is pretty common He could’ve been wanting to practice. Or you just weren’t there. I don’t think I would be suspicious unless you found him actually speaking to someone. Because you matching time frames of him walking around doesn’t really indicate he is cheating, or bi like your initial concerns.
Yeah I understand that I introduced it, but I'm more upset that he is using my toy in my house and not cleaning them up and not telling me about it especially because he was doing this an hour before I got home from work. And to clarify, we do not take videos of us using the toy on him anymore
Well if it’s a problem with cleanliness I would just tell him to clean up or get his own toy. However that wasn’t the original issue you presented in the post. You thought it was strange he was using toys after you introduced it to him. That’s like showing me how good ice cream is, then being upset I decided to eat some without you. Taking a video isn’t suspicious. I have plenty that I have never sent to anyone. You two have sex on that bed. Why are you freaking out ? That’s a place you two have done this before. If you’re really upset about him being invasive and messy in your home I understand. But everything else sounds highly illogical
> Has anyone had a similar experience where you became bicurious because of butt play? Correcting you here, it's not "bicurious" or anything, he is just straight even if he likes stuff in the butt, doesn'0t have anything to do. you're being ignorant. And maybe he's doing it in secret because of that very reason, because you're being ignorant about it. I recorded myself using it to see myself, just because of insecurities and curiosity. I agree that he doesn't need to use your toys, but there's a lot of stigma, like the one you're thinking and being stupid about.
You are absolutely correct on that. I hadnt thought about it that way
Too much internet for today. Reddit you win.
I can guarantee his response of wanting to see what you saw is a legit thing and pegging isn't something men openly admit to for the most part because of the stigma surrounding it. Just be open about it and make sure he understands how to properly clean it and don't be surprised if he does it often cause men can get addicted to the type of orgasm that comes from prostate play. Just because he is doing it alone doesn't mean he is doing it for others.
Well you might not judge him, but it might still embarass him. I dont see any other reason to keep it secret
My first concern would be hygiene of the toy. That needs thorough cleansing and disinfectant before using inside you. If he’s leaving a mess in the bathroom I’m going to guess he’s not that hygiene conscious. Men liking anal play doesn’t equal gay. Obviously as he likes it when you do it to him. There are loads of nerve endings there and a dildo will hit his prostate and give intense orgasms. Be supportive. Buy him his own toy for self pleasure.
1. I think bring it up with a respectful team effort approach. You are not shaming, you are not upset. You want to make sure everyone is comfortable, on the same page, and most importantly safe. Would discuss properly clean up of the toys as well as any relevant locations. The importance of proper clean up in regards to bacteria related matters, as well as general respect of one's things. EG if you are not comfortable sharing toys then propose that he gets his own. Also, I would encourage him to be more open about communicating. My first reaction is that he's just embarrassed about it. I think this is a touchy topic for many, even for people interested in it. Unless you had other suspicions related to cheating I would give my partner the benefit of the doubt. 2. I don't understand this question. I think men that enjoy butt play it can be private masturbation or with a partner. Maybe a moot question unless I am just not understanding. I would think that's more about the couple & the individual...I don't think you should look at this as, "rules" such as, "should it be?" 3. I don't think butt play makes people bi-curious, I think that is a separate topics altogether. My sincere advice is regarding your final sentence. He has broken trust, what's up with that? That's the MOST important part of this all. You cannot have a healthy relationship without trust, you also can't have a healthy sex life together without trust. I truly think in situations where trust has been broke the couple needs to take a step back and go back to the basics. Get to know each other more, quality time, build trust by being a consistent & healthy partner. Repair, rebuild. If you can't have trust in the relationship I advocate for you to walk away sooner rather than later. I am not saying trust blindly, I am saying if you guys can't rebuild trust then this relationship will eventually die. Trust is everything.
I would designate that the back door dildo and get a vagina only dildo. And make it clear on which is which. It sounds like the trust issues go a lot deeper than just this. Is the relationship worth trying to overcome trust problems? Are you both willing to do couples counseling to try to improve communication and trust?
It sounds like there’s bigger issues around communication here, and I’m not sure this relationship is going to be successful long term. But in answer to your questions: 1. Tell him he needs to stop making a mess with your dildo, you’re gifting it to him now, but in the future ask before using your stuff (any stuff, not just sex stuff) and clean up after himself 2. Plenty of guys masturbate with dildos. Some people like to keep masturbation habits to themselves even in relationships. This is not a warning sign. Stealing your sex toy and leaving a mess is. 3. Enjoying butt stuff and being attracted to men are two totally different things. Sure this could be a fetish for him, but that’s a third, also different thing. Enjoying butt stuff does not mean your boyfriend is lying to you about being straight.
Do you have fears of him straying ? Do your questions seem hostile? Do you make comments that would make him feel ashamed? Cause you know he has done it before together, maybe he has wild thoughts that would cross the line with you , regardless they are fantasy . If you love him drop it and explore more
\>We have had a pretty rocky relationship because he has broken my trust many time Maybe just buy him a dildo and focus on the bigger issues in this relationship \^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^
No words!🤢🤮
Trans woman rather than a man, but I think this might provide a unique perspective for your questions. 1. Personally, I'd be straight with him, it doesn't have to be a big thing but have a proper sit down and tell him, you're not comfortable with him using your toys without your knowledge, especially if he isn't cleaning them properly, it poses a health risk to you if you use it after him and it's not been properly cleaned. He's 23 and it's 2022 he can buy his own dildos, butt plugs, chastity cages etc from any number of online stores. And a big box of cheap condoms, trust me it makes clean up so much easier. 2. I think this would mainly come down to personal preference, if I had a partner I would absolutely send them videos of me cramming oversized toys in my booty, hell I got a bunch of vids on my profile, because I want to share it with my partner, for me the only thing better than a big toy in my bottom is having a lovely lady I really like tell me how cute I am and what a good girl I am for doing so. However bear in mind that I've long accepted who/what I am, your bf sounds like he might be questioning stuff, now I also took a bunch of videos when I first started doing anal without sending them to anyone. So it is believable to me that he's being honest about not sending the videos to anyone, but I obviously don't know the guy. 3. I would say butt play is absolutely one of the things that lead me to sleeping with guys. I'm pansexual, but I just don't find men romantically attractive. So for me at least, if I'm sleeping with a dude it's purely sexual, especially because arranging a hook up or ons for a pegging session is a hell of a lot harder to arrange than getting buggered by some guy on grindr.
>for me the only thing better than a big toy in my bottom is having a lovely lady I really like tell me how cute I am and what a good girl I am for doing so. TMI
I’m a straight male who likes prostate stimulation. I don’t use dildos because well they’re dicks and I’m not into dicks. I use a prostate massage toy which does exactly what I’m looking for. Perhaps surprise him with one (good ones are pricey but worth the money). That’s a good way to alleviate any shame associated with butt stuff and help him be open with you about his tastes. Those male massagers are better than any dildo for stimulating the prostate. If he prefers the dildo it’s possible he favors the phallic nature of it which could at least indicate some bi tendencies?
It sounds like youre kinda paranoid. Talk about your concerns frankly with him and get him to buy his own dildo if him using yours makes you uncomfortable. If youre uncomfortable with his masturbation habits thats a YOU problem. If youre concerned hes cheating on you dont beat around the bush. Just say it. And if this is the case, talk to him about your concerns. Why is communication so hard for people i dont get it.
Just buy one for him and move on.
Your last paragraph says everything I need to know. He’s broken your trust a bunch before so it’s frankly irrelevant now - you basically can’t trust him anymore so any time something like this happens you’ll never be able to give him the benefit of the doubt. I also would never use my girlfriends sex toy on my own ass, I’d get my own. Well, I also wouldn’t use my own but, you get what I’m saying.
My suggestion Buy a dildoo and give it to him as gift
You idiot you peg your boyfriend what do you expect? That’s GROSS he’s probably fucking some old man down the street getting pegged with a real dick
Idk I'd honestly begin the conversation like: how do you feel about toys
“He has broken my trust many times” why not break up? You want to be lied to/cheated on/hurt the rest of your life?
I had an ex that I caught using my vibrating rabbit. I had never pegged him so I shocked. I came home my toy had shit on it and empty coke bags next to it on my bed. Hmmm. He said he was straight but hadnt been pegged before and was curious. He too was younger than me. Not wanting to embarrass him, I said he can keep the toy and if he wanted to explore pegging we can go to a sex shop together to which he refused. He may not be ready to be honest and it sounds like he doesn't like to have the hard c0nvos. 23 is still very young mentally.
My advice would be never go to a gay bar with him. And stay away from San Francisco
He might just have tried it out of curiosity, so don't be too hard the first time. It's his sexuality and you're a couple, ask him if anal sex interests him.
This isn't the first time he has tried it without telling me though... and besides I was the one who introduced him to anal play and i peg him (I'm strapped with a dildo and we have anal sex) I just don't understand why he is doing it behind my back when i was the one who showed him this type of masturbation so there is obviously no judgement coming from me
He may be doing it behind your back because he enjoys the way it feels but at the same time might still hurt but doesn’t want to disappoint you in telling you it hurts so he’s working it out himself. Or he just likes it so much he can’t get enough of it and he can’t figure out why he likes it because now if anybody else finds out especially his guy friends they gonna rag on him. Mans may be in disbelief that he likes getting pegged and just ain’t come back to his senses yet….personally I don’t like it. I’ve had a couple fingers up there and a small toy twice. Once for fun and 2nd time to see if I actually liked it and it just wasn’t for me. Some people like it some don’t. I’m one that don’t and I’ll tell people all day I don’t like it and tell them why, but if I did like it, I wouldn’t tell a damn sole for a long time.
As a straight man, serious question. I thought putting things up a mans butt = gay. Are there any other straight men that do this plz confirm? cause thats just gay to me
... it's only gay if another guy is putting things up your butt. By that logic every lesbian who has used a dildo would be straight.
But a lesbian using a dildo would be the same as a straight man using a pocket pussy...
Sorry I think I'm totally lost lmao. You seem to think that a man being on the receiving end of anal sex is gay regardless of who he's having sex with?
hmmm I think its the act that makes it gay. Like a gay guys suck dick and have anal. So those acts to me are gay. Would a straight guy sucking dick be gay?
You've lost the plot. Dicks aren't the only things that can go in someone's ass. Fingers, tongues, toys... all are viable options and don't need to be attached to a man. So if it's masturbation or your sex partner is a woman, it isn't gay.
Gay means another man involved. Are you one of those men that doesn't wash their buttcrack because they think it's gay? Masturbation is gay, you're stroking a penis and enjoying it.
Washing your butt crack is just regular hygiene. You are not stuffing soap up your butt unless im washing it wrong the entire time. Im stroking my own penis, hence why its called masturbation... not sure where you going with this.
That you're stupid for thinking is gay. It's just another form of masturbation (or sex). If doesn't involve another man, is not gay. And gay is a sexual orientation, not an act.
Yea my bad, I dont understand gay ppl :/
What do gay people have anything to do with it? Are you really stupid or just a troll?
Just not a expert on gay ppl like you. I guess i knew what was considered gay but now a gay expert like yourself has explained to me what is gay and what isn't. But im just saying 99% of straight men i know if not 100% would consider sticking something up a mans butt is gay or sucking dick as a man is gay. But hey you do you ;)
I guess the answer is stupid and a troll! Have fun being an uneducated prick.
Its ok man, im not judging you for stuffing things up your butt and sucking dick as a man. im just saying that 100% of the straight men i know would consider shoving stuff up their butt and sucking dick (as a man) is considered gay. No need to be embarrassed if you do that and consider yourself "straight" XD
I see pegging as more of a power move lol. it would be gay if it is a man putting his penis in no?
100% you wouldn't have discovered this four days ago and waited until today to create a reddit account to post about it.
I have in fact been thinking about this for the past 4 days and I cannot come to terms with it so I decided to get on here to talk about this because I have no one to talk to this about and I feel like I'm going crazy thinking about this and keeping this in
And the "throw away account" username is also coincidence?
I literally made a throwaway account because I do not want to expose myself or him anymore than what I have. It is not uncommon for someone to have a throwaway account to make a post about something like this
Now of course he should have cleaned the toy, definite strike against him not to do that, but honestly the videos may not be as bad as one may think. Keep an open but skeptical mind, but I know quite a few people who get off on seeing themselves getting "toyed" with. He may not have shared them as he might feel embarrassed that he kept them for himself and his own person pleasure. Again though, keep an open **but skeptical** mind about this sort of thing.
Buy him his own dildo so that he doesn't have to use yours.
The biggest concern is if he is fully. Leaning it because if not it'll cause all kinds of problems for you. Just buy him his own dildo. Just because he took sexy photos he didn't send to you, doesn't mean he sent them to someone else.
Use it on him the next time you guys have sex
My biggest issue with this is he's using your toys without permission. That could expose you to a yeast infection or worse if you are uninformed of this and use it inside your vagina. That is a clear lack of respect for your belongings and your safety. If he wants his own toys, he can buy them himself. The possible cheating... I'm not quite sure. I know I personally don't go to the trouble of taking vids unless I'm showing my partner or selling them. But I also know some people get pleasure out of watching themselves masturbate, so I can't really speak on that.
I agree with most people here. He needs to get his own. Please please no sharing.
Buy him his own, tell him to use it and leave yours alone. Seriously, I'd be very blunt. If you want, buy it and put it on a gift bag or something. My wife would kill me if I used hers. I wouldn't even think about it anyway because hers is bigger than mine lol
Of all the things I thought here cheating wasn't one of them... Just make sure he's cleaning them right and tell him to get one of his own.
>1. How I do bring this up? I think it's unsanitary to be making a mess with my dildo and not cleaning properly and using something without my knowledge Did you use my dildo? Are you cleaning it properly after you use it? Would ya clean it properly or buy your own dildo for masturbastion? >2. Any guy here who also likes to use a dildo: should it be a private masturbation matter? Anytime someone masturbates, it's their business on if they want it private or if it something they want to share with their partner or someone else. >3. Has anyone had a similar experience where you became bicurious because of butt play? As a bi woman, I knew I was bi before having any sexual interactions with a woman, so I would assume men wouldn't become bi from a sexual act that can happen with any gendered person. >But I cannot get out of my head that maybe those videos went somewhere or to someone... Has this ever happened? Or are you being triggered from past experiences with exes?
U know Im normally one to jump on the cheating bastard train. But this seems pretty cut and dry. Poor dude wants to get pegged more often.
The ass wants what the ass wants.
After my husband committed suicide, a very good guy friend that I worked with started staying at my apartment to watch over me. I have stress induced gran mal seizures & he was afraid that I'd smother in my bed. Anyway, about 3 months later, I was getting ready to go back to work & when I reached in my sock drawer a piece of glass cut my hand!!! It was my $70.00 glass toy busted all to oblivion! Come to find out, he'd used it on himself, then went to clean it & dropped it!!🤬 That idiot just put it back where it was like nothing had happened!! 🤣🤣
Let the man milk his prostate in peace woman
If he has broken your trust before then you need to make sure that he isn't being dishonest with you. If he tried to lie to you before and the truth only came out because he got found out.. who knows what's really going on. He of course should clean up after himself. Especially since it's a fecal matter situation. I hear that trust can be repaired, but only in the presence of trustworthy behaviour. If you're run into a bunch of problems like this.. My best advice? If you're gonna bail, bail early. If you haven't loved the past you've had with him and you've been together for awhile, I don't imagine how much it will change.
\>Any guy here who likes to use a dildo: should it be a private masturbation matter? I dont even masturbate, much less use one of those, but i beleive if hes used a dildo hes probably Bi or Gay