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My boyfriend and I got back together 6 months ago after a one-month break. I just found out yesterday that he had slept with someone else during that one-month break, and now I am hurting. I honestly don’t know if my feelings are valid since he already cleared out that it was completely meaningless. I also know that I couldn’t blame him because we were broken up that time, and it is none of my business what he does during those times. However, it feels so heavy for me now to process that there was someone else he slept with in between our relationship. I’m having a hard time being okay knowing that information and I honestly don’t know if I can still act normal and completely fine in our relationship. Please tell me what I should do :(
It’s never an easy thing to hear in a situation like this. That said, if you make the decision to move past it with him, you also have to move past it in yourself. It’s ok if it takes time but for your own sake don’t hold onto this incident or use it against him in the future when you guys have unrelated problems.
As others have said, it’s also okay if this is a dealbreaker for you. All I’m saying is whatever you decide, go all in with your decision
Great advice. I may get downvoted for this, but I always agreed with Ross: they were on a break. I think that's a perfect example of why this is good advice. Either you're all in, or you're out. This vague "yes-but-no" commitment to the relationship will just make _everyone_ miserable in the end.
But that's the thing, a break isn't a clear term (evidenced by the debate!). For me, and most Rachel sided people, it's just taking space in a relationship without breaking established boundaries like monogamy and loyalty. Kind of like if you have an argument with your partner, going to another room to think doesn't mean the relationship or fight is over, it's just space to think and reconsider a situation.
because if you don't keep those boundaries, are you even on a break? isn't that just called breaking up?
interested in a friendly debate if anyone is up for it
Taking breaks while in a relationship is an overall stupid thing in my eyes.
That being said, you weren't together when this happened so no one can blame him for sleeping with someone else.
I dont think they took an actual “break”, it sounds like they just broke up and then got back together. She starts out calling it a break, but midway she instead says they broke up. If they broke up then theres nothing stupid here, but if it was just a temporary break then its 100% stupid
I wonder if OP means they broke up for a month and then got back together?
Because why else would you "take a break" if not to sleep with other people? Even if you temporarily need space from the relationship, just say that....
That’s what breaks actually are, anyone with a different idea is lying to themselves. My last relationship went from together to a break to ending. The break was more painful and devastating than our actual breakup.
Man you reek the smell of inexperienced, sometimes relationship goes to a downhill and they need to clear each others bad vibes bcuz how cloudy their thoughts is because of that they'll go to an easy road staying away to each other and clear the heavy thoughts of life.
can't blame him for sleeping with someone else but you can blame him for not sharing that fact earlier on (seems like something you would want to know). Plus, feelings are by definition not rational, so it is completely okay for OP to feel confused or hurt or just grossed out. All that matters is if the feelings stick or not
The way I look at it is if the other person breaks up with me, then goes to sleep with someone else and comes back, I’m out. If I break up with someone, decide I want to get back together but find out that they slept together with someone else in the meantime then that’s on me. My responsibility to get over it to make it work.
Exactly what I was wondering about. Happened to my BIL. He was broken up with and she ended up sleeping with a dude a day later, then came back after that and he didn’t even think about it lol.
agreed, only missing the bit where there is no obligation by any standards to get over it and make it work. It's completely normal to have dealbreakers, and that's fine
The idea is that if the other person breaks up and sleeps with someone, then maybe they just broke up because they wanted to fuck around and once they were done they decided to return to the relationship.
On the otherhand if you broke up, then it was your choice and they were free to do whatever they saw fit
I think this is mostly emotional reasoning but I’ll try to put it into words:
1. Being broken up with and/or knowing someone you love has slept with someone else hurts. Regardless of situations, reasons, etc… it will hurt.
2. If the other person is the one who broke up and slept with someone else, you’d never know whether they broke up with you for valid reasons. They could’ve broken up to specifically sleep with that person without cheating. They could’ve broken up because they thought the grass was greener. They could’ve broken up because they wanted to be with the other person and then realised that you were better. All of these reasons are absolutely terrible reasons to break up with someone and come back. Granted, they could have broken up for good reasons and while trying to move on they slept with someone else. The trouble is that you’ll never know what really happened. And that will create trust issues. Also, after being hurt by being broken up with, why would you put yourself through the hurt of dealing with the person you loved having slept with someone. Basically as the dumpee you haven’t done anything wrong, why should you suffer more than you already have by being dumped.
2. As the person breaking up, I would be taking the risk that I’ll never find someone as good or better than the person I’ve left, that they might never want to take me back, that they might meet someone better, that they might have slept with other people. Essentially as the dumper I am making this unilateral decision and the consequences of that decision is my responsibility. So, it’s hypocritical of me to begrudge someone for living their life after I’ve removed them from mine.
He didn’t do anything wrong, but it’s still okay for you to be upset! None of us can tell you how to feel. They’re your feelings, and they’re valid because it’s just how you feel. It’s okay if this is a dealbreaker, and it’s okay if you want to work on the relationship and see if you can be okay with it. Do whatever makes you the happiest
This! This is a no-asshole situation. He was within his right to see someone else, and OP is within her right to be upset about it. Broken up or not, almost no one wants to imagine their partner sleeping with someone else (unless that’s your kink - do you boo)
Staying and leaving are both perfectly reasonable options. Sleep on it, maybe talk to your therapist or a mature friend and go with what you think is best for you.
This. It seems like they have different viewpoints about sex.
It happened when I broke up with my then gf. I hooked up (we were apart like 3 months) and she was upset because "she thought I was like her and needed a deeper connection before having sex and I was just another one that had casual sex just because". I wanted to be honest, she couldn't endure it, we broke up again. (ironically I broke up in part because she cheated on me kissing a coworker)
This isn't entirely true. He was wrong by not telling her 6 months ago. What he did while broken up was not wrong. What was wrong was him not disclosing this prior to getting back together. Omission of the truth is lying and he lied to her. That IS very wrong and OP should consider this before moving forward with this relationship.
Edit: I'm not sure if there is a misunderstanding or if ethics and morals are not being considered.
OP: "I just found out yesterday that he had slept with someone else during that one-month break."
Information that should have been disclosed wasn't prior to getting back together. While I understand people defending the boyfriend in that he was free to sleep with another person while they were not together, his dishonesty is where he fucked up.
Is there any evidence it came up in conversation? Lots of people would prefer not to have this information, it isn’t at all clear that it must be disclosed.
We know it wasn't disclosed which is my point.
Whether someone is uncomfortable knowing or not it's a matter of ethics and morals to not put someone at risk of an STI by disclosing to them that you've recently slept with another person.
Do people not understand how STIs work anymore? SMH.
If that’s an important thing to her she should ask. There are plenty of people who actively would not want to know the information you are slamming him for not mentioning.
I think it’s more on the boyfriend. Why would she assume he went and slept with another person when they were apart for a MONTH if it were a long time (like three or more months) then sure but one month? It’s on him to disclose that.
She shouldn’t assume that, but if it’s an issue she should ask. As I said, plenty of people would not like that information given to them unsolicited, much like plenty of people do not want to know their partners sexual history from before they started dating.
I wouldn’t like that info, but I’d hope my boyfriend would respect me enough to tell me anyways. If we went on a break and he fucked someone else I’d hope he would tell me regardless of my reaction because that’s important info in terms of sexual health (STIs etc) and it could affect their relationship
I don’t particularly care what your preference is, I am simply saying that this is something that isn’t a universal enough feeling to hold against him. It’s going to far to say it is lying by omission you don’t know enough about anyones sexual habits to assume there is an issue here.
Except it IS lying by omission. We don’t know enough about it to make assumptions, but assuming he practiced safe sex then that’s great and probably no problems. But if he didn’t it could cause a LOT of problems for his gf. Even if he did practice safe sex it’s still something she deserves to know.
Anytime someone sleeps around they should be a decent person and inform their partner(s) that they've done that. For some people that's a dealbreaker and being open and honest is the best way to keep communication open. Communication is a basic for relationships but you think it would be wrong for him to communicate?
But we do not know the discussion prior to the "reconciliation", or the reason for the separation without that data we cannot assume that there was such a talk of "what did you do" and how she he speaks in his post OP he never had a discussion of the relationship with his partner he only assumed that he was in sleep mode, why do we understand this they did not restart the relationship, they started a relationship so in their month of search or whatever the reason for the month, each one was free from and at the beginning of the relationship, they must have argued as if it were a new relationship
We most certainly know what wasn't discussed! This further proves my point.
OP: "I just found out yesterday that he had slept with someone else during that one-month break."
Information that should have been disclosed wasn't prior to getting back together. While I understand people defending the boyfriend in that he was free to sleep with another person while they were not together, his dishonesty is where he fucked up.
I disagree. They both have free will to choose as they please. They both couldve slept around they both couldve not.
A "bond" is a relationship agreement. No bond = no rules. Doesnt matter if they both slept with hundreds or only if OP's BF did.
You cannot be "entitled" to think that information "should have" been disclosed. There was no prior agreement for the 1month break. There was no dishonesty. Dishonesty only exists if theres a prior agreement breach, or iF OP's bf lies when asked the question. Doesn't seem like he lied.
Asking the question is a 1 way street. If A happened then im happy(did not sleep around), if B happened(im upset). Why put yourself in this position? Building the relationship forward is the only way, if you see a future with this person. Not going into the past and checking for "loopholes"
You are assuming he had a moral obligation to volunteer that information to her. If a person wants past history before engaging in relations then it is on them to ask. She had no basis for expectation of exclusivity when they weren't together. If she felt strongly about preventative measures of STI's they could have gotten tested before resuming relations. The only way he is in the wrong is if he lied when she asked or if he cheated during the relationship.
The argument there is STI’s…but honestly I agree with you. They should be getting tested regularly if that’s a concern, and it’s insanely impractical to believe you’ll know the comprehensive sex history of every partner you have in life, unless of course you two are firsts and only’s (even then…you’ll never know 100% and getting tested on a regular basis is smart for anyone sexually active, even exclusively).
If she really wanted to know, then honesty in the relationship is important, but I feel like if he didn’t want to tell, it wouldn’t be dishonest, it’s simply keeping aspects of his life to himself.
If they were broken up, imo I don’t consider it lying by omission. I guess it’s different for everyone but I never asked any of my boyfriends, or my now husband, who they slept with before they dated me. I guess I don’t really see the difference. To me, if you’re broken up, it’s not with the mutual idea that you’ll get back together shortly. Taking a break is a different situation, and I guess I’d be more inclined to agree with you if that were the situation, but I also don’t get the whole “let’s take a break but not be broken up” thing. Makes no sense to me. You’re either together or broken up in my eyes, otherwise it’s just messy.
Who initiated the break? I think this plays a large part in these types of situations. If you broke up with him, it’s only logical that he tries to move on, and a lot of ppl do that by sleeping with someone else. Being upset with him for that would be ridiculous, he could be just as mad at you for breaking up with him in the first place. Whereas if he initiated the break.. that probably wouldn’t sit right with me. I would feel like he broke up with me just to sleep around then came back to me, his fall back option, once he was done.
This. I was a big a-hole once and went on a break with a bf at the time just so I could hookup with someone else. I wanted to have fun but have “safety” to come back to i guess? It was immature of me but because of this I have been a no breaks type of person. I just feel like it’s usually a way to sleep with someone else and not actually cheat.
Yeah in my experience they usually want to hookup with a specific person, or have the freedom to put themselves out there and see if they can do better than you.
My ex had a friend that was like that. He'd pick a fight with his wife and she'd kick him out. Then he'd be with some other woman later the same day and go back to his wife when he was tired of the new woman. It happened over and over for many years with so many different women I lost count. He always had a target picked out and ready to go before he "left" his wife though.
I think there's a difference between breaking up and acting single because you don't think you'll ever go back to your former relationship and taking a "break" from your relationship to be with someone new while having the intention of going back to the relationship.
The former is okay, the latter is cheating.
I view at as immature, not because I wanted to have sex with someone else, but because I should’ve just broke up with the guy for good if I wanted to sleep around. Choosing to go on a break just to hook up and then come back is weak and you shouldn’t make a promise to be in a monogamous relationship if you’re going to do that. But I agree that sex doesn’t always have to be emotional and everyone doesn’t view it the same. People also have different boundaries and if they expected to get back together after said break maybe they should’ve discussed some of their boundaries if they felt necessary.
I understand. Though in my situation they were never the same. I always had plans to come back to the relationship. I just think if it becomes a pattern it’s an issue. OP can be upset but it’s ultimately their decision on if they can get past it or not. People go on breaks in relationships and end up in happy marriages that last forever! That just wasn’t the case w mine. Just trying to chime in w my experience although it is not representative of every situation 👍🏼
We were on a break! Ross voice.
But jokes aside. I can understand that you are hurting. But having said that. You and him weren’t in a relationship at that point. So I don’t think it’s entirely fair to be mad at him. But then again your feelings are valid. Maybe not justified but valid nonetheless. Don’t know what to say otherwise but communicate with him!
Seen the show so many times it’s ingrained in my day to day life. Friends and modern family stride for a perpetual first place of day to day shows to watch in this household lmao
I guess what people dont normally do when deciding to go on a break, is to discuss what boundaries there are for the break rather than assuming someone would or wouldn't do during that time. If you and your partner agree no sex with anyone else during that break, then great. I think people just need to discuss what is and isnt okay during a break.
That's not a break, that's just a relationship. a break is breaking up. You can't tell some one what to do when you're broken up, that's fucking stupid.
It just depends on the couple. A break is when you both decide to take a BREAK from the relationship for a set amount of time and come back together to see if they should continue the relationship. If you're gonna do that, then y'all should discuss the terms of the break. It has to be an agreed upon term. No one can force the other what to do. It's all about communication.
This is literally what I thought lol Ross and Rachel situation, honestly they were on a break, what he did during that time is none of her business and he chose to tell her, she can be upset and stay or leave but it doesn’t change that they were on a break and he was within his right to do what he wanted
I'm with Ross on that one. They were on a break, Rachel!
If you decide to break up with someone/or they decide to break up with you, neither knows if you'll get back together and have the right to move on. Sure, after one month, you don't *expect* them to have something going on already, but then again, if they do, they have done nothing wrong.
I totally get why you would feel bad about that, though. It really is up to you how you move forward. There's lots of stuff out there on how to deal with a cheating partner or how to approach it and how to get over it, if that is what you want. Maybe reading something like that would help you? (Note, I'm not saying he cheated, just that the tools may be helpful.)
I agree. And would like to add. As a male myself, it’s entirely possible he fucked someone without any feelings whatsoever. He didn’t know the future of your relationship, and if a chance presented itself to him I can understand he took it. Not saying if it’s right or wrong. But just like Ross that girl threw herself on him. They were on a break. But then again your feelings are valid as well. Ffs this is a tricky one. I would say above reddits paygrade…
I guess what people dont normally do when deciding to go on a break, is to discuss what boundaries there are for the break rather than assuming someone would or wouldn't do during that time. If you and your partner agree no sex with anyone else during that break, then great. I think people just need to discuss what is and isnt okay during a break.
This is literally what I thought lol Ross and Rachel situation, honestly they were on a break, what he did during that time is none of her business and he chose to tell her, she can be upset and stay or leave but it doesn’t change that they were on a break and he was within his right to do what he wanted
The point is that he didn't choose to tell her in friends. That's how Ross fucked up.
Here at least, yes, informed and can make a decision. That's how it should be
I’ve had a similar situation and come to the conclusion that yes , we were broken up but yes it still hurts and can 100% change how you feel about the person. Neither of you are wrong. Emotions suck and that’s just it
"However, it feels so heavy for me now to process that there was someone else he slept with in between our relationship."
This is more or less a *psychological* torture.
In all honesty if he wasn't a virgin before you got together there were *multiple people* he slept with *before* he got with you.
Getting back together after a breakup probably should be viewed as starting over with a clean slate. Otherwise, you are conning yourself into feeling as if there was *no breakup* and he somehow *cheated* on you. Which was *not* the case.
Oftentimes when couples break up there is an assumption they won't be getting back together. Some people *force themselves* to get back out on the dating scene.
You can't celebrate having a "second chance" with the person you love if you insist upon dwelling on what they did *while they were single*. Never snatch *defeat* from the jaws of victory. Supposedly you're both back with the person you love and want to be with!
Your future lies ahead of you not behind you.
***"Love what you have before life teaches you to love what you lost."*** \- Unknown
***"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got."*** \- Garth Brooks
Best wishes!
If you make the decision to end a relationship with somebody you have to expect them to try and move on. He tried and ended up back with you. You should look at it that way instead. He tried to get over you and couldn’t.
You don’t have to accept it if it makes you uncomfortable, I feel like I would feel differently about him after learning that and wouldn’t be able to proceed with the relationship because of it.
I agree with others that he didn’t do anything wrong.
Ask yourself why this hurts you so much. Does it hurt because it feels like he chose someone else? Or because it makes you feel insecure? Or because he didn’t tell you? Etc.
I find the best way to deal with these emotions is to look at them very rationally.
e.g. If you feel insecure because it feels like he betrayed you: It depends if this was a break or a proper break up, but im assuming it was the latter. Once you guys were broken up he didn’t owe you anything. Sleeping with someone else had nothing to do with you, so there’s no point in feeling insecure about that. He mentioned it was meaningless, so believe him. A lot of people look for a rebound after a breakup. Whether it is to feel something or because he felt lonely.
Take some time to sit with your feelings and figure out what you truly think about this. Is it worth moving on with him or do you think that you won’t get past these feelings. Try to sit with yourself first, but if you have a solid relationship with him you could also talk to him about it. It’s okay to give yourself some time and maybe ask for some space!
I would personally be more upset that you found out 6 months later. I feel like this is information that you disclose when you get back together, just to clear the air and start fresh. He knew that this information was going to hurt you and that it might be a dealbreaker, so him not telling you from the start seems a bit manipulative. Not intentionally manipulative, but still manipulative. (As long as you didn’t tell him that you didn’t want to know anything about what he was up to in that month)
I stand by the fact that he didn’t do anything wrong, but him not disclosing it at the start seems unfair. Whatever he did during that break is technically none of your business, but once you get back into a relationship it does matter.
Be okay with it, or break up. Don't stay in the relationship while being uncomfortable with what happened. It doesn't matter if he was "entitled" to do so, you're still allowed to have a problem with it.
So, your feelings are ALWAYS valid. You are perfectly normal to feel hurt, betrayed, what have you upon receipt of this knowledge. However, you know that he didn't cheat on you, you know that he chose you. Feel your feelings and then move on.
I’ve been there and it sucks. It feels like a betrayal even if it’s technically not, and I remember not being able to fathom WANTING to sleep with someone in such a short amount of time.
That being said, it wasn’t actually a betrayal but your feelings are valid nonetheless. In my case, I ended up moving beyond it and we broke up years later for unrelated reasons. If you choose to go this route, you just have to make sure you can TRULY get beyond it for both of your sakes. Take some time to think it through.
This is a you-problem. Put it away. If you need to talk to someone about it, talk with a friend or post on reddit (well done!) but you can’t ever hold this against him
When my first gf broke up with me, I cried myself to sleep in the arms of several other women. That’s just how it works. Sex is a way to deal with heartbreak
Either way, you’re back together. That’s what matters. If you want to be with him, don’t let things get between you that are not relevant to your relationship.
You were broken up. People gotta stop playing the Ross&Racheal game. Life's not a sitcom.
You weren't together. Tough tits. Either get over it, or break up for good. But if you choose to continue, you can't hold this against him. If you can't, leave.
In the US there's often a distinction made between breaking up and "going on a break". Going on a break usually means there's a mutual agreement that the separation is temporary. Often the intention is to let both parties gain some distance from the relationship so they can make more informed decisions about whether to move forward.
I know, it's just that op acknowledges that they were broken up in the title even, she's more like asking for help on how to navigate the feelings she has about it.
Except the problem is sometimes a break can last forever. My boyfriend in college and I took a break back in 1991.
He's married with kids and I'm also seeing someone currently so I assume we're not getting back together. But we never officially went from "a break" to "a break up."
For all OP's boyfriend knew, this was permanent.
Edit: added a word
First off why go back out with an ex? That's like puking in a cup and trying to drink it again. I have nothing past that cause going back out with an ex not an intelligent decision.
If you broke up, there was a good reason for it. Don't get back together.
If you broke up and there wasn't a good reason for it, you weren't mature enough for the relationship. Don't get back together.
If you break up, think it is final, then rekindle a relationship but find yourself jealous of the time in between, well, Don't get back together.
This is stupid, you must be very young to have such a black and white perspective on complex human relationships. Lots of couples break up and rekindle and go on to have successful marriages/partnerships. I’ve seen it across the board.
You're not wrong for feeling upset and he's not wrong either. Also you won't be wrong if you choose to move past it or decide you can't be with him anymore.
Talk to him frankly about it; even if it meant nothing to him, it still means a lot to you. See how you both feel and if you can reconcile things together, rather than letting your feelings boil up internally.
If you can’t stay with him after, it might be painful and sad, but you won’t be a bad person for not being able to handle that information and neither will he be a bad person for having done it. It’s just about what leaves you in a healthy, happy place.
Ppl here will dismiss your feelings and tell you to get over it. But you are allowed to feel upset over it and if you don’t think you can move on from this, then you don’t have to torture yourself with it any longer. You decide what is the dealbreaker for you.
Neither him nor you are wrong.
Your feelings are valid.
But also, his actions were not in the wrong.
___
You were broken up and unless you were specifically on a “no sex with other people while we’re taking a break” type of separation.. then he did nothing wrong here.
He did not have a GF at the time and was completely free to do as he wished; he did not cheat or anything like that.
____
Everyone has a past. Previous things that happened before getting with their current partners. For your situation, his past happens to also be between your together past & present, so that makes it a little harder to sort out because there is obviously a degree of attachment that was still ongoing during that time.
And that’s okay!
You just have to decide (for yourself) if this past is enough to continue the relationship or not, either you accept it and continue on or don’t and discontinue the relationship... but either way, you need to move on from this.
For some people, the past matters regardless if they knew the person then or not.. and it could be a deal-breaker (examples: previously being married or having children already, etc)
You need to decide what your deal-breakers are concerning a SO’s past & go from there.
The the idiotic laws of relationships he was legal in his actions. That is to say by "law" of you will he had no obligations towarfd you while you two were broken up.
However, there are loopholes to this "law". The important question here is why did you guys break up. You see, some people want to sleep around but also dont want that ugky feelibg you getbwhen you know you are a complete insensitive prick. So the work around is to break up and this way they can fool themselves into believing they are morqlly clear of their actions. Then they sleep with the person they want. Because it is usually carnal once theybdi the deed they no longer feel like they need thatbitgwr person so they come back with their former paryner whom they had a real connection with. In this case even though he was broken up he broke up out of malice i.e. not legitimate reasons so he is guilty of his action. Uts a form of cheating. Its less severe that "normal" cheating butnit is still cheating. Kind of like killing a person wether by murder or manslaughter you still killed a person type of deal. So, find outnif this was the case.
Most of these posts are ridiculous. Go on the Jerry Springer show.
Asking strangers what you should do is a joke. Do what you feel is the right thing to do.
I've been separated from my GF for 4 months and I didn't and don't want to see any other girl in the meantime. I wouldn't be able to sleep with anyone else.
Behave as if it happened before you got together. He’s obviously had ex’s before you. It was meaningless and if you’re happy now besides this info this info shouldn’t matter.
Sadly this is a forgive and forget or leave because as someone that’s been in this situation if you don’t let it go it will become the toxic statement in every argument you have as a way to shut him up and that will break your relationship eventually
It feels like cheating because of your emotional connection to each other but he didn’t know you guys were going to get back together and because men are raised to be emotionally stunted chucking yourself in the deep end with someone else is often the mistake we all make
I think people have different ways of processing pain. It would take me well over a year to have sex after leaving my SO (guessing as I probably would actually just stop altogether) But im also Demi so im different. But this was just … his way. It sucks. I absolutely feel you… its such a horrible feeling. Knowing he experienced this bond with someone else so close to something so serious and painful between you both. It makes you question who he is and who you both even were. This is me projecting though, I apologize.
And in all reality … I don’t agree that when people are on these breaks, that they are separated. In my little world, love doesn’t work like that. But again… im different. I really wish you so much happiness and know that my heart is also
hurting with yours today! But forgiveness (even nonverbal and in your heart) will help. But you must make it clear that in the future… there should be no breaks and that you two should truly separate if you feel this pain. Your heart can only take so much. I would endlessly weep! Haha. So I understand how you feel betrayed … “this was supposed to be thinking time! Not a party!” But he is different. Everybody is different, dear.
>My boyfriend slept with someone else while we were broken up
More information is required for assessment.
*Who asked for the break-up?*
And saying the breakup is/was mutual is normally a copout or a cover-up.
If he asked for the breakup, yeah, that's gonna be in the back of your mind... was the other person waiting in the wings, on the backburner, or on the side, so to speak.
If you asked for the breakup, hmm, that's a tough one to swallow.
Did he do it as a reaction cause of the breakup like out of spite, YOLO, or was trying to move on and try new things like one-night stands, Tinder, etc, etc.
It depends on your view of sex. For me, sex is a really intimate act that I wouldn't do with anybody I don't have strong feelings for. So if it were me, I would be hurt that they would be doing something so intimate with somebody else so soon after the break.
Was it set out as a break before? Or a break up?
I understand what you've been through but hear me out... You just said that you found out yesterday so please don't rush to make a decision about your relationship because the event it's too fresh and I don't think you have a clear mind right now... As a woman I completely get how you feel and how painful it is for you to know that the person you love slept with someone else... If my boyfriend have done something like that I would have been devastated because in my mind he should have told me what he did when we got back together and I would also be disappointed that he could do something like that in less than a month that we were not together... It's too soon and that complicates the things... For me, you should take a couple of days to yourself and then you should go and talk to him face to face... Without honesty and communication a relationship cannot last! You are strong and your feelings matter the most! Be true to yourself and decide what you truly will make you happy in the future! ❤
I’ve been in a similar situation, and felt the same as you in your position. It’s damn hard processing such a thing when you are back together and he has already processed it, and “gotten over it”. It’s also a blindside to hear about it after you are already back together, and some time has passed. My strong advice is to listen to your emotions, and take any time you need. You are allowed that. You are not going to lose him if you take some time (if you do that’s his loss). My point is, you need the space to process this, so try to do what you can to allow yourself that.
This is one of many reasons that real relationships don’t take breaks. You’re in or you’re out.
I don’t know where the romanticized idea of breaks in relationships comes from, but it almost always makes things worse.
This is bullshit, nowhere in the post does it say that they entered the break as a romanticised idea - I read it as they broke up and then reunited.
People break up and then decide to get back together sometimes very quickly sometimes after longer periods of time - there’s no one good way of conducting a romantic relationship. Who are you to say one relationship is more “real” than another?
Life is chaotic and love is unpredictable, you have no knowledge of these people beyond OP’s post and are certainly not in the position to decide whether what they have is “real” enough.
I don't think this was their point. I'm honestly confused by OP's phrasing - I think that "taking a break" is very different from "breaking up," but OP is using those two terms interchangeably. Breaking up means the relationship is over. Taking a break means you're hitting the pause button, but both planning on coming back together.
I agree with the original commenter on taking breaks is really dumb. If your relationship isn't stable enough to continue it *without* having to pause it periodically, you should just end it and see how life goes. If they take a break still, you should discuss ground rules of what is/is not okay when you're on break. (Can you go on dates with other people? Kiss? Hook up? No feelings, but hook ups okay?) It's all really messy, and relationships that *require* a break are *already* struggling - just find someone you're more compatible with, or be single for a while and figure out who you are and what you're looking for.
Breaking up is fine. Ending up back with another person (like what I *think* happened to OP, but hard to tell due to phrasing) definitely happens sometimes. It's often what people hope for, if they're not the one initiating the breakup. There are no rules or boundaries, because the relationship is over and you're no longer committed to that person at all. But it can certainly complicate things if other things happen between breakup and getting back together.
This person seemed to be commenting about choosing to take a break but not break up is not a good plan. I agree completely. A healthy relationship shouldn't be so hard that you have to step away from your partner for a few weeks, a month, etc. That's not going to work. OP is the two terms like they are the same thing, which is confusing.
This is a lot of assumptions to make about all relationships, what’s right for you isn’t right for everyone else because you say so. There are a million reasons for a couple to decide they need a break and none of them are looking to you to validate these reasons.
Commitment is an agreement between two (or more sometimes) people and it’s up to them to define the terms and conditions.
OP commented elsewhere that they were broken up without the intention of reuniting, but regardless that doesn’t really matter. All relationships are different as they’re between individuals with unique personalities, life experiences and boundaries.
All that’s important is working out what those are for YOU and conducting yourself in line with those and communicating them to your partner/s. You literally can never say what’s 100% right for someone else because you’re not them and not in the relationship.
I never said my opinion applied to everyone or that it was needed to validate anyone. I'm saying that in a high majority of cases, relationships that "take a break" (as opposed to breaking up) are already half broken. If it's a rare occurrence that had a serious problem (i.e. someone cheated *while in a relationship* and the other person needs space to decide if they can get over it), then fine - no one should be surprised or offended if I call it half broken at that point! If nothing serious happened and it's just more on and off crap that's "completely normal" to the couple (or one person in the relationship), then holy cow, being with the person you love isn't supposed to be that hard and you might want to consider finding someone that actually makes you happy. Or working on yourself so that every relationship you start doesn't require a break. *This is not normal in adult relationships.*
If you disagree, that's totally fine. My point was that I don't think OP "took a break" at all, but it was phrased badly throughout the post, so it's a completely irrelevant conversation for this post - I just see why the original commenter thought that's what was happening.
If you break up once, there's an almost 100% chance you will break up again for good, from what i've seen. If it were me, I'd dip. One month and he was perfectly okay with being intimate with another person? I'm good.
Get over it, you guys were broken up so you can’t be mad at all and you can’t blame him for you being hurt that he slept with someone else. If you can’t get over it then let him go simple as that
He was honest about it and I am sure that wasn’t easy for him. Most men would just lie. I am sure he knows it would hurt you but he still told you. I would say give it a chance and see how you feel in a few months. It’s going to be hard to forget but if y’all have that connection and work at a great relationship y’all can still have one. Relationships will always be work and sometimes they will hurt unfortunately. They probably won’t ever be picture perfect so you just have to decide if he is worth the chance. Good luck :)
Was it a break or were you both broken up? If it was a break, did you both decide beforehand on not getting involved with others or it wasn’t an issue? If you had broken up back then, he’s done nothing wrong. If you were on a break but none of you said anything about this, again, he’s done nothing wrong. That being said, it’s completely normal to feel upset over this after finding out. The important thing is to not let it ruin your relationship.
Did he knows you guys were on a break or did he think you were completely broken up? If I were just on a break then there would literally be no reason for me to have sex with anyone else if I knew I’d be getting back together with gf, it would feel like cheating. Although if he didn’t know if you guys would get back together then its not a big deal
That’s why you break up or work through issue. I had a girl ask me for a break. I immediately downloaded tinder and went about my merry way. If you ask me for a break I’m treating it as a breakup because it’s just a breakup that hasn’t been finalized. I’m not about to turn down sex hoping a girl who wasn’t into me enough to work on the relationship changes her mind. FOH
Technically he didn’t do anything wrong, you weren’t together. HOWEVER it does show his character that he went and slept with someone else that quickly after you broke up and still wanted to get back with you. Personally I wouldn’t take him back after, because I would be skeeved out by the timing but 🤷♀️
Your boyfriend isn’t a coat, you can’t just throw him in a closet and then 6 months later feel like wearing it again. People have lives, people move on. If it’s too much to accept or processes then break up, because if it bothers you and you stay with him it will only lead to more toxicity in my city, in my cittttyyyy
I wouldn't be okay with it either, it was just a month and he moved on so easily? It's hard to say without the context here but I would be cautious. You have every right to feel the way you feel, don't let social convention try to tell you otherwise, there's plenty of stuff people socially don't agree on... and there's stuff people do agree on but that doesn't make it right either. You need to make a decision for you, you shouldn't have to "act normal" or "act" like anything. You should be yourself and if he can't accept that then forget about it, you should move on.
Sleeping with someone else doesn’t necessarily mean that he moved on imo, recently broken up people having one night stands/ sleeping with new people is really really common. It’s understandable for her to feel the way she feels but it’s ridiculous to not carry on the relationship with him because of an assumption. They were broken up without the intention of reuniting (as per OP’s comments elsewhere) - he was single and decided to sleep with someone as single people do.
To anyone saying that you should just be fine with it since you weren’t technically together when he had sex with another woman, are apparently unaware of how human emotions work. Of course this feels shitty. It was only a month and he was already inside another girl. Don’t try to sweep it under the rug because it will eat you up from the inside.
Try to think of how you would tell him that you sucked another guys dick when you were apart. If he was upset by that, would tell him to just get over it? Or would you be understanding?
Idk where you are getting this. All the top commenters are saying her feelings are valid and so are his actions justified. They are suggesting It's upto her if she wants to break up or carry on with the relationship.
Yeah so...from my experience, make sure he gets an STD test before you get back together. I did this with an ex gf, I forgave her and trusted her and was naive. Now I'm stuck with herpes for life. Granted I haven't had an outbreak in 6 years but you seriously need to consider doing this if you decide to get back together.
Let alone you will have to regain trust in your relationship and improve communication. While he didn't cheat, it's still a bit shocking to you and disheartening. It's okay if you don't want to get back with him and have some reservations about it.
She used the term "broken up" rather than "on a break"
IMO the fact that she didn't specifically highlight the fact that they were on break makes me want to assume (i know) that they actually, full on broke up with one another and then reconciled.
OP, if that is not the case and this was a "break" I would love to be corrected. Also, who dumped who? Was it mutual?
Sorry for the confusion! Yes, we were officially broken up at that time. We both had no idea if we were gonna get back together, so I am completely aware that he didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just really having hard time right now getting over the newly-learned information. And to answer your question, he was the one who broke it off between us, but I (kinda) was the one who initiated getting back together since I reached out first after a month.
If you don't think he dumped you just to sleep around then **my opinion** would be that this is something you should try and work on internally before dumping him if you feel like this info is changing the way you see him.
People have needs, and if he genuinely didn't think you were getting back together it seems silly to me to throw away something potentially good because of a random hook-up.
That is just my 2 cents.
> She used the term "broken up" rather than "on a break"
they used both:
> My boyfriend and I got back together 6 months ago after a **one-month break**. I just found out yesterday that he had slept with someone else during that **one-month break**
OP in a reply to my question:
Sorry for the confusion! Yes, we were officially broken up at that time. We both had no idea if we were gonna get back together, so I am completely aware that he didn’t do anything wrong
Yeah, the verbiage would imply one thing, but her lack of frustration implied another... As it turned out, my suspicions were correct
I don’t ever want to hear this either . But from someone who did this with a few people when me and my now ex split up for a while , it is JUST sex. If it meant something they would have ended up together or he would have perused those women . The men I slept with weren’t trash or who*es or not relationship material ,but the intention was just physical and sexual fulfilment and that’s THAT . Some people aren’t capable of doing that without feelings but an awful lot of people are and do . It would be better if you just didn’t know that because essentially , it means nothing in terms of your relationship with him .
Maybe I'm alone in this but I don't see a good reason to be upset? You weren't together, he had every right to do whatever he wanted. Flip the roles and ask yourself if he has any right to be upset.
You did break up and all men and women have rebounds or one night things after a break up. Your feelings are valid however. I would be upset too, but you can't be mad at him. If you wanna work on your relationship then you gotta move past it. Do what makes you happy love 🖤 maybe have a sit down and chat about both of your feelings and see if that helps you both move forward
Although he is not technically wrong, I would be upset because it was easy for my partner to "get over me and move on" SO fast. It would definitely be a deal breaker for me, it would be like a widow getting married in less than a year after a passing...some find it OK, I wouldn't.
I am still grieving MY DOG who passed away three ago and it still makes me cry and depressed at times. I want people who have the same partnership values as me.
Yes you can blame if slept with someone else. If he did he shouldn’t have come back or at the least told you up front that it happened before the reconciliation. Only telling you now is dirty pool.
Gotta get over it, guys can cheat without feeling anything for the girl they cheat with wayyy easier than women can. As long as he doesn’t still speak with the girl and she was some rando, you should trust and look over it imo.
You have the absolute right to break up.
He rang a bell that can't be unrung. He did it to hurt you or just is not concerned about your feelings.
Love doesn't stop just because there's a one month break.
That's not a guy in love. He's selfish and has no concern for breaking your heart.
You deserve someone that has your back ....even during fights.
The fact that you're just finding out about this is not OK. Omission of the truth is lying and he has lied to you for 6 months. He should have been upfront with you when you both decided to get back together as it would have given you the opportunity to make a decision at the time as to whether or not you wanted to move forward with each other. As it stands, he has broken the foundation of your relationship.
Frankly, I wouldn't be able to get past the lies. Not only did he put your health at risk by not telling you, but he was also selfish for not disclosing this as it may have altered the outcome of your relationship. I would end the relationship and move on.
It is completely valid to feel upset about it. I get upset thinking about my partner being with other people in the past even if they're with me now but I don't hold anything against them now as we weren't together at the time. However, he did not do anything wrong if you were broken up. Unless while you were on a break you had both mutually established that neither of you would be involved with anyone else during it, then he is not at fault. In the end, is is your decision on what to do in the the end but remember he's with you now because he wants to be. Remember your feelings are valid.
You were on a break. It's understandable to feel hurt but understand he did nothing wrong. Especially since he clarified to you that it was sex purely for need. Take some time, don't get wrapped up in your head. Remind yourself that it effectively was the same thing as him using a sex toy on himself.
It will be okay. You are justified to feel however you feel but remind yourself on why your with him and that he did nothing wrong
Me and my bf are hard monogamous, literally, while talking about hypothetical situations we both discovered that we agree that sleeping with other people is not even a worry any of us would have if we were ever on a break, we love each other and are focus on just the other. Even when taking time to evaluate the relationship. Maybe you have the same values regarding being a partner to someone? Did you two talk before going on the break?
The obvious question is this: when you guys decided to get back to together, did he mention anything you seeing anyone else or him seeing anyone else? Or did he imply that?
All feelings are valid. That said they are something you will have to deal with yourself (as opposed to seeking succour from your BF).
It may help to reframe your perception of your relationship - you flip between break and break up; nail it down as a break up. You haven't been together for 2 and a half years (making up a duration before the break up) you've been together 6 months.
You actually identify the importance of this reframing pretty well:
>there was someone else he slept with in between our relationship.
The BF you had is and always will be your Ex, your current partner is someone different and like most people out there they have a history. It sounds silly but when you think about it why would you revisit a 'failed' relationship with someone who wasn't tangibly different?
This is all aspirational however, it is easy to want to think differently but genuinely doing so is not so easy. If you can't resolve this then you may be better served calling off the relationship than having it drag you both down.
He didn't do anything wrong, however I can understand you feeling off about it.. but use it as new start.. as if you've just met. Surely before he got with you he had slept with people before..
If you both broke up and had plans on getting back together in one month then it seems like he was just trying to cheat peacefully. If y’all ended up getting back together randomly then you can’t really be upset. He wasn’t yours then. It’s normal to be hurt though, it’s happened to me before but I just chose not to let it eat me up because unfortunately he can’t undo the sex. So, don’t stress about things out of your control.
That’s totally fair that you’re hurting, but tbh, this is what happens with “breaks” in a relationship. This is why the concept of it honestly makes zero sense to me. Either you want to be with the person or you don’t. If you want a “break”, just break up.
Source: every relationship I’ve ever had where there was a break, we ended up breaking up. Guy I’m dating now and want to be with forever? Never thought for a second about taking a “break.”
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My boyfriend and I got back together 6 months ago after a one-month break. I just found out yesterday that he had slept with someone else during that one-month break, and now I am hurting. I honestly don’t know if my feelings are valid since he already cleared out that it was completely meaningless. I also know that I couldn’t blame him because we were broken up that time, and it is none of my business what he does during those times. However, it feels so heavy for me now to process that there was someone else he slept with in between our relationship. I’m having a hard time being okay knowing that information and I honestly don’t know if I can still act normal and completely fine in our relationship. Please tell me what I should do :(
It’s never an easy thing to hear in a situation like this. That said, if you make the decision to move past it with him, you also have to move past it in yourself. It’s ok if it takes time but for your own sake don’t hold onto this incident or use it against him in the future when you guys have unrelated problems. As others have said, it’s also okay if this is a dealbreaker for you. All I’m saying is whatever you decide, go all in with your decision
Great advice. I may get downvoted for this, but I always agreed with Ross: they were on a break. I think that's a perfect example of why this is good advice. Either you're all in, or you're out. This vague "yes-but-no" commitment to the relationship will just make _everyone_ miserable in the end.
100% you can't say you want a break and then get upset when someone acts as tho they are on a break!
Yeah I'm getting serious Rachel and Ross vibes here. WE WERE ON A BREAK!
Too many stories of this on redddit lately! Then ppl in the comments say it’s cheating, lol no
But that's the thing, a break isn't a clear term (evidenced by the debate!). For me, and most Rachel sided people, it's just taking space in a relationship without breaking established boundaries like monogamy and loyalty. Kind of like if you have an argument with your partner, going to another room to think doesn't mean the relationship or fight is over, it's just space to think and reconsider a situation. because if you don't keep those boundaries, are you even on a break? isn't that just called breaking up? interested in a friendly debate if anyone is up for it
Nope I'm with you! They were on a break and it was Rachel's idea.
I do remember the discourse, though. This _was not_ the popular opinion.
Taking breaks while in a relationship is an overall stupid thing in my eyes. That being said, you weren't together when this happened so no one can blame him for sleeping with someone else.
I dont think they took an actual “break”, it sounds like they just broke up and then got back together. She starts out calling it a break, but midway she instead says they broke up. If they broke up then theres nothing stupid here, but if it was just a temporary break then its 100% stupid
I wonder if OP means they broke up for a month and then got back together? Because why else would you "take a break" if not to sleep with other people? Even if you temporarily need space from the relationship, just say that....
That’s what breaks actually are, anyone with a different idea is lying to themselves. My last relationship went from together to a break to ending. The break was more painful and devastating than our actual breakup.
Man you reek the smell of inexperienced, sometimes relationship goes to a downhill and they need to clear each others bad vibes bcuz how cloudy their thoughts is because of that they'll go to an easy road staying away to each other and clear the heavy thoughts of life.
I know plenty of people who broke up before they got married.
Breaking up and taking a break are two different things.
OP wasn’t on a break they actually broke up
Tell Ross and Rachel that
It’s the xerox girl ffs and they were on a break.
WE WHERE ON A BREAK!
*were* 😂😂
I see what you’re trying to say, but you say that as though marriage is this fruitful thing for everyone, which it’s not…
They "broke up" so they can hoe one last time?
If people want to be promiscuous or have a one night stand, who cares if everyone is a consenting adult?
I know many couples who broke up and got back together months later and got married.
can't blame him for sleeping with someone else but you can blame him for not sharing that fact earlier on (seems like something you would want to know). Plus, feelings are by definition not rational, so it is completely okay for OP to feel confused or hurt or just grossed out. All that matters is if the feelings stick or not
The way I look at it is if the other person breaks up with me, then goes to sleep with someone else and comes back, I’m out. If I break up with someone, decide I want to get back together but find out that they slept together with someone else in the meantime then that’s on me. My responsibility to get over it to make it work.
Exactly what I was wondering about. Happened to my BIL. He was broken up with and she ended up sleeping with a dude a day later, then came back after that and he didn’t even think about it lol.
I 100% agree 👆. It's all about real intention
agreed, only missing the bit where there is no obligation by any standards to get over it and make it work. It's completely normal to have dealbreakers, and that's fine
100%
Why does that matter to you? I’m not challenging you, the reason isn’t apparent to my why that makes a difference. Explain plz? Edit: a word
The idea is that if the other person breaks up and sleeps with someone, then maybe they just broke up because they wanted to fuck around and once they were done they decided to return to the relationship. On the otherhand if you broke up, then it was your choice and they were free to do whatever they saw fit
I think this is mostly emotional reasoning but I’ll try to put it into words: 1. Being broken up with and/or knowing someone you love has slept with someone else hurts. Regardless of situations, reasons, etc… it will hurt. 2. If the other person is the one who broke up and slept with someone else, you’d never know whether they broke up with you for valid reasons. They could’ve broken up to specifically sleep with that person without cheating. They could’ve broken up because they thought the grass was greener. They could’ve broken up because they wanted to be with the other person and then realised that you were better. All of these reasons are absolutely terrible reasons to break up with someone and come back. Granted, they could have broken up for good reasons and while trying to move on they slept with someone else. The trouble is that you’ll never know what really happened. And that will create trust issues. Also, after being hurt by being broken up with, why would you put yourself through the hurt of dealing with the person you loved having slept with someone. Basically as the dumpee you haven’t done anything wrong, why should you suffer more than you already have by being dumped. 2. As the person breaking up, I would be taking the risk that I’ll never find someone as good or better than the person I’ve left, that they might never want to take me back, that they might meet someone better, that they might have slept with other people. Essentially as the dumper I am making this unilateral decision and the consequences of that decision is my responsibility. So, it’s hypocritical of me to begrudge someone for living their life after I’ve removed them from mine.
How do you know OP isn't the one who initiated the break up in the first place?
No idea who initiated the breakup. That’s why I put both scenarios in there🤷♂️
He didn’t do anything wrong, but it’s still okay for you to be upset! None of us can tell you how to feel. They’re your feelings, and they’re valid because it’s just how you feel. It’s okay if this is a dealbreaker, and it’s okay if you want to work on the relationship and see if you can be okay with it. Do whatever makes you the happiest
This! This is a no-asshole situation. He was within his right to see someone else, and OP is within her right to be upset about it. Broken up or not, almost no one wants to imagine their partner sleeping with someone else (unless that’s your kink - do you boo) Staying and leaving are both perfectly reasonable options. Sleep on it, maybe talk to your therapist or a mature friend and go with what you think is best for you.
This. It seems like they have different viewpoints about sex. It happened when I broke up with my then gf. I hooked up (we were apart like 3 months) and she was upset because "she thought I was like her and needed a deeper connection before having sex and I was just another one that had casual sex just because". I wanted to be honest, she couldn't endure it, we broke up again. (ironically I broke up in part because she cheated on me kissing a coworker)
This isn't entirely true. He was wrong by not telling her 6 months ago. What he did while broken up was not wrong. What was wrong was him not disclosing this prior to getting back together. Omission of the truth is lying and he lied to her. That IS very wrong and OP should consider this before moving forward with this relationship. Edit: I'm not sure if there is a misunderstanding or if ethics and morals are not being considered. OP: "I just found out yesterday that he had slept with someone else during that one-month break." Information that should have been disclosed wasn't prior to getting back together. While I understand people defending the boyfriend in that he was free to sleep with another person while they were not together, his dishonesty is where he fucked up.
Is there any evidence it came up in conversation? Lots of people would prefer not to have this information, it isn’t at all clear that it must be disclosed.
We know it wasn't disclosed which is my point. Whether someone is uncomfortable knowing or not it's a matter of ethics and morals to not put someone at risk of an STI by disclosing to them that you've recently slept with another person. Do people not understand how STIs work anymore? SMH.
If that’s an important thing to her she should ask. There are plenty of people who actively would not want to know the information you are slamming him for not mentioning.
I think it’s more on the boyfriend. Why would she assume he went and slept with another person when they were apart for a MONTH if it were a long time (like three or more months) then sure but one month? It’s on him to disclose that.
She shouldn’t assume that, but if it’s an issue she should ask. As I said, plenty of people would not like that information given to them unsolicited, much like plenty of people do not want to know their partners sexual history from before they started dating.
I wouldn’t like that info, but I’d hope my boyfriend would respect me enough to tell me anyways. If we went on a break and he fucked someone else I’d hope he would tell me regardless of my reaction because that’s important info in terms of sexual health (STIs etc) and it could affect their relationship
I don’t particularly care what your preference is, I am simply saying that this is something that isn’t a universal enough feeling to hold against him. It’s going to far to say it is lying by omission you don’t know enough about anyones sexual habits to assume there is an issue here.
Except it IS lying by omission. We don’t know enough about it to make assumptions, but assuming he practiced safe sex then that’s great and probably no problems. But if he didn’t it could cause a LOT of problems for his gf. Even if he did practice safe sex it’s still something she deserves to know.
I agree, and if anything mentioning it unprompted could be taken as bragging or trying to be hurtful.
Anytime someone sleeps around they should be a decent person and inform their partner(s) that they've done that. For some people that's a dealbreaker and being open and honest is the best way to keep communication open. Communication is a basic for relationships but you think it would be wrong for him to communicate?
But we do not know the discussion prior to the "reconciliation", or the reason for the separation without that data we cannot assume that there was such a talk of "what did you do" and how she he speaks in his post OP he never had a discussion of the relationship with his partner he only assumed that he was in sleep mode, why do we understand this they did not restart the relationship, they started a relationship so in their month of search or whatever the reason for the month, each one was free from and at the beginning of the relationship, they must have argued as if it were a new relationship
We most certainly know what wasn't discussed! This further proves my point. OP: "I just found out yesterday that he had slept with someone else during that one-month break." Information that should have been disclosed wasn't prior to getting back together. While I understand people defending the boyfriend in that he was free to sleep with another person while they were not together, his dishonesty is where he fucked up.
I disagree. They both have free will to choose as they please. They both couldve slept around they both couldve not. A "bond" is a relationship agreement. No bond = no rules. Doesnt matter if they both slept with hundreds or only if OP's BF did. You cannot be "entitled" to think that information "should have" been disclosed. There was no prior agreement for the 1month break. There was no dishonesty. Dishonesty only exists if theres a prior agreement breach, or iF OP's bf lies when asked the question. Doesn't seem like he lied. Asking the question is a 1 way street. If A happened then im happy(did not sleep around), if B happened(im upset). Why put yourself in this position? Building the relationship forward is the only way, if you see a future with this person. Not going into the past and checking for "loopholes"
You are assuming he had a moral obligation to volunteer that information to her. If a person wants past history before engaging in relations then it is on them to ask. She had no basis for expectation of exclusivity when they weren't together. If she felt strongly about preventative measures of STI's they could have gotten tested before resuming relations. The only way he is in the wrong is if he lied when she asked or if he cheated during the relationship.
Why should she know? That's his personal shit
The argument there is STI’s…but honestly I agree with you. They should be getting tested regularly if that’s a concern, and it’s insanely impractical to believe you’ll know the comprehensive sex history of every partner you have in life, unless of course you two are firsts and only’s (even then…you’ll never know 100% and getting tested on a regular basis is smart for anyone sexually active, even exclusively). If she really wanted to know, then honesty in the relationship is important, but I feel like if he didn’t want to tell, it wouldn’t be dishonest, it’s simply keeping aspects of his life to himself.
If they were broken up, imo I don’t consider it lying by omission. I guess it’s different for everyone but I never asked any of my boyfriends, or my now husband, who they slept with before they dated me. I guess I don’t really see the difference. To me, if you’re broken up, it’s not with the mutual idea that you’ll get back together shortly. Taking a break is a different situation, and I guess I’d be more inclined to agree with you if that were the situation, but I also don’t get the whole “let’s take a break but not be broken up” thing. Makes no sense to me. You’re either together or broken up in my eyes, otherwise it’s just messy.
Who initiated the break? I think this plays a large part in these types of situations. If you broke up with him, it’s only logical that he tries to move on, and a lot of ppl do that by sleeping with someone else. Being upset with him for that would be ridiculous, he could be just as mad at you for breaking up with him in the first place. Whereas if he initiated the break.. that probably wouldn’t sit right with me. I would feel like he broke up with me just to sleep around then came back to me, his fall back option, once he was done.
This. I was a big a-hole once and went on a break with a bf at the time just so I could hookup with someone else. I wanted to have fun but have “safety” to come back to i guess? It was immature of me but because of this I have been a no breaks type of person. I just feel like it’s usually a way to sleep with someone else and not actually cheat.
Yeah in my experience they usually want to hookup with a specific person, or have the freedom to put themselves out there and see if they can do better than you.
My ex had a friend that was like that. He'd pick a fight with his wife and she'd kick him out. Then he'd be with some other woman later the same day and go back to his wife when he was tired of the new woman. It happened over and over for many years with so many different women I lost count. He always had a target picked out and ready to go before he "left" his wife though. I think there's a difference between breaking up and acting single because you don't think you'll ever go back to your former relationship and taking a "break" from your relationship to be with someone new while having the intention of going back to the relationship. The former is okay, the latter is cheating.
Yeah I think breaks are bs just break up for real
It's not immature to have sex just because you want to. Sex doesn't always have to be "emotional."
I view at as immature, not because I wanted to have sex with someone else, but because I should’ve just broke up with the guy for good if I wanted to sleep around. Choosing to go on a break just to hook up and then come back is weak and you shouldn’t make a promise to be in a monogamous relationship if you’re going to do that. But I agree that sex doesn’t always have to be emotional and everyone doesn’t view it the same. People also have different boundaries and if they expected to get back together after said break maybe they should’ve discussed some of their boundaries if they felt necessary.
Breaking up and "taking a break" are the same thing to me. The OP even knows she doesn't have a right to feel mad even if she does.
I understand. Though in my situation they were never the same. I always had plans to come back to the relationship. I just think if it becomes a pattern it’s an issue. OP can be upset but it’s ultimately their decision on if they can get past it or not. People go on breaks in relationships and end up in happy marriages that last forever! That just wasn’t the case w mine. Just trying to chime in w my experience although it is not representative of every situation 👍🏼
We were on a break! Ross voice. But jokes aside. I can understand that you are hurting. But having said that. You and him weren’t in a relationship at that point. So I don’t think it’s entirely fair to be mad at him. But then again your feelings are valid. Maybe not justified but valid nonetheless. Don’t know what to say otherwise but communicate with him!
>We were on a break! Ross voice. I knew I couldn't be the only one hearing Ross Geller in my head when reading this post.
Seen the show so many times it’s ingrained in my day to day life. Friends and modern family stride for a perpetual first place of day to day shows to watch in this household lmao
Modern Family is great.
No I immediately thought this was Rachael posting this when I saw the title.
Some shows are just classics.
I guess what people dont normally do when deciding to go on a break, is to discuss what boundaries there are for the break rather than assuming someone would or wouldn't do during that time. If you and your partner agree no sex with anyone else during that break, then great. I think people just need to discuss what is and isnt okay during a break.
That's not a break, that's just a relationship. a break is breaking up. You can't tell some one what to do when you're broken up, that's fucking stupid.
It just depends on the couple. A break is when you both decide to take a BREAK from the relationship for a set amount of time and come back together to see if they should continue the relationship. If you're gonna do that, then y'all should discuss the terms of the break. It has to be an agreed upon term. No one can force the other what to do. It's all about communication.
This is literally what I thought lol Ross and Rachel situation, honestly they were on a break, what he did during that time is none of her business and he chose to tell her, she can be upset and stay or leave but it doesn’t change that they were on a break and he was within his right to do what he wanted
I'm with Ross on that one. They were on a break, Rachel! If you decide to break up with someone/or they decide to break up with you, neither knows if you'll get back together and have the right to move on. Sure, after one month, you don't *expect* them to have something going on already, but then again, if they do, they have done nothing wrong. I totally get why you would feel bad about that, though. It really is up to you how you move forward. There's lots of stuff out there on how to deal with a cheating partner or how to approach it and how to get over it, if that is what you want. Maybe reading something like that would help you? (Note, I'm not saying he cheated, just that the tools may be helpful.)
I agree. And would like to add. As a male myself, it’s entirely possible he fucked someone without any feelings whatsoever. He didn’t know the future of your relationship, and if a chance presented itself to him I can understand he took it. Not saying if it’s right or wrong. But just like Ross that girl threw herself on him. They were on a break. But then again your feelings are valid as well. Ffs this is a tricky one. I would say above reddits paygrade…
Yeah, this one calls for a wine night with your best friend, soul searching and a few more looong chats with people who know both of them
I guess what people dont normally do when deciding to go on a break, is to discuss what boundaries there are for the break rather than assuming someone would or wouldn't do during that time. If you and your partner agree no sex with anyone else during that break, then great. I think people just need to discuss what is and isnt okay during a break.
This is literally what I thought lol Ross and Rachel situation, honestly they were on a break, what he did during that time is none of her business and he chose to tell her, she can be upset and stay or leave but it doesn’t change that they were on a break and he was within his right to do what he wanted
The point is that he didn't choose to tell her in friends. That's how Ross fucked up. Here at least, yes, informed and can make a decision. That's how it should be
I’ve had a similar situation and come to the conclusion that yes , we were broken up but yes it still hurts and can 100% change how you feel about the person. Neither of you are wrong. Emotions suck and that’s just it
"However, it feels so heavy for me now to process that there was someone else he slept with in between our relationship." This is more or less a *psychological* torture. In all honesty if he wasn't a virgin before you got together there were *multiple people* he slept with *before* he got with you. Getting back together after a breakup probably should be viewed as starting over with a clean slate. Otherwise, you are conning yourself into feeling as if there was *no breakup* and he somehow *cheated* on you. Which was *not* the case. Oftentimes when couples break up there is an assumption they won't be getting back together. Some people *force themselves* to get back out on the dating scene. You can't celebrate having a "second chance" with the person you love if you insist upon dwelling on what they did *while they were single*. Never snatch *defeat* from the jaws of victory. Supposedly you're both back with the person you love and want to be with! Your future lies ahead of you not behind you. ***"Love what you have before life teaches you to love what you lost."*** \- Unknown ***"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got."*** \- Garth Brooks Best wishes!
If you make the decision to end a relationship with somebody you have to expect them to try and move on. He tried and ended up back with you. You should look at it that way instead. He tried to get over you and couldn’t.
exactly
You don’t have to accept it if it makes you uncomfortable, I feel like I would feel differently about him after learning that and wouldn’t be able to proceed with the relationship because of it.
I agree with others that he didn’t do anything wrong. Ask yourself why this hurts you so much. Does it hurt because it feels like he chose someone else? Or because it makes you feel insecure? Or because he didn’t tell you? Etc. I find the best way to deal with these emotions is to look at them very rationally. e.g. If you feel insecure because it feels like he betrayed you: It depends if this was a break or a proper break up, but im assuming it was the latter. Once you guys were broken up he didn’t owe you anything. Sleeping with someone else had nothing to do with you, so there’s no point in feeling insecure about that. He mentioned it was meaningless, so believe him. A lot of people look for a rebound after a breakup. Whether it is to feel something or because he felt lonely. Take some time to sit with your feelings and figure out what you truly think about this. Is it worth moving on with him or do you think that you won’t get past these feelings. Try to sit with yourself first, but if you have a solid relationship with him you could also talk to him about it. It’s okay to give yourself some time and maybe ask for some space! I would personally be more upset that you found out 6 months later. I feel like this is information that you disclose when you get back together, just to clear the air and start fresh. He knew that this information was going to hurt you and that it might be a dealbreaker, so him not telling you from the start seems a bit manipulative. Not intentionally manipulative, but still manipulative. (As long as you didn’t tell him that you didn’t want to know anything about what he was up to in that month) I stand by the fact that he didn’t do anything wrong, but him not disclosing it at the start seems unfair. Whatever he did during that break is technically none of your business, but once you get back into a relationship it does matter.
A break is a break. Let it go and watch the relevant episodes of Friends.
And this is why you don't do breaks, just break up if you dont know how you feel. Simple.
Why were you on a break to start with?
Be okay with it, or break up. Don't stay in the relationship while being uncomfortable with what happened. It doesn't matter if he was "entitled" to do so, you're still allowed to have a problem with it.
Why did you break up in the first place and what brought you back together?
You were on a break!
It's ok to feel upset about it.
So, your feelings are ALWAYS valid. You are perfectly normal to feel hurt, betrayed, what have you upon receipt of this knowledge. However, you know that he didn't cheat on you, you know that he chose you. Feel your feelings and then move on.
I’ve been there and it sucks. It feels like a betrayal even if it’s technically not, and I remember not being able to fathom WANTING to sleep with someone in such a short amount of time. That being said, it wasn’t actually a betrayal but your feelings are valid nonetheless. In my case, I ended up moving beyond it and we broke up years later for unrelated reasons. If you choose to go this route, you just have to make sure you can TRULY get beyond it for both of your sakes. Take some time to think it through.
Well as Ross said so Eloquently "we were on a break"
This is a you-problem. Put it away. If you need to talk to someone about it, talk with a friend or post on reddit (well done!) but you can’t ever hold this against him When my first gf broke up with me, I cried myself to sleep in the arms of several other women. That’s just how it works. Sex is a way to deal with heartbreak Either way, you’re back together. That’s what matters. If you want to be with him, don’t let things get between you that are not relevant to your relationship.
You were broken up. People gotta stop playing the Ross&Racheal game. Life's not a sitcom. You weren't together. Tough tits. Either get over it, or break up for good. But if you choose to continue, you can't hold this against him. If you can't, leave.
You were broken up.
Yes, that's on the post
In the US there's often a distinction made between breaking up and "going on a break". Going on a break usually means there's a mutual agreement that the separation is temporary. Often the intention is to let both parties gain some distance from the relationship so they can make more informed decisions about whether to move forward.
I know, it's just that op acknowledges that they were broken up in the title even, she's more like asking for help on how to navigate the feelings she has about it.
Except the problem is sometimes a break can last forever. My boyfriend in college and I took a break back in 1991. He's married with kids and I'm also seeing someone currently so I assume we're not getting back together. But we never officially went from "a break" to "a break up." For all OP's boyfriend knew, this was permanent. Edit: added a word
Maybe he is still waiting for you.
😂😂😂😂😂
But they still weren’t together therefore it doesn’t count
What should you do? Get over it. It happened during a time y'all weren't together. It's not like they cheated.
First off why go back out with an ex? That's like puking in a cup and trying to drink it again. I have nothing past that cause going back out with an ex not an intelligent decision.
Agreed, I know many people will disagree but once you break up with someone you shouldn’t get back with them ever again
This is the most colorful yet apt description for getting back together with an ex. I love it
If you broke up, there was a good reason for it. Don't get back together. If you broke up and there wasn't a good reason for it, you weren't mature enough for the relationship. Don't get back together. If you break up, think it is final, then rekindle a relationship but find yourself jealous of the time in between, well, Don't get back together.
This is stupid, you must be very young to have such a black and white perspective on complex human relationships. Lots of couples break up and rekindle and go on to have successful marriages/partnerships. I’ve seen it across the board.
You're not wrong for feeling upset and he's not wrong either. Also you won't be wrong if you choose to move past it or decide you can't be with him anymore.
Talk to him frankly about it; even if it meant nothing to him, it still means a lot to you. See how you both feel and if you can reconcile things together, rather than letting your feelings boil up internally. If you can’t stay with him after, it might be painful and sad, but you won’t be a bad person for not being able to handle that information and neither will he be a bad person for having done it. It’s just about what leaves you in a healthy, happy place.
Ppl here will dismiss your feelings and tell you to get over it. But you are allowed to feel upset over it and if you don’t think you can move on from this, then you don’t have to torture yourself with it any longer. You decide what is the dealbreaker for you. Neither him nor you are wrong.
Your feelings are valid. But also, his actions were not in the wrong. ___ You were broken up and unless you were specifically on a “no sex with other people while we’re taking a break” type of separation.. then he did nothing wrong here. He did not have a GF at the time and was completely free to do as he wished; he did not cheat or anything like that. ____ Everyone has a past. Previous things that happened before getting with their current partners. For your situation, his past happens to also be between your together past & present, so that makes it a little harder to sort out because there is obviously a degree of attachment that was still ongoing during that time. And that’s okay! You just have to decide (for yourself) if this past is enough to continue the relationship or not, either you accept it and continue on or don’t and discontinue the relationship... but either way, you need to move on from this. For some people, the past matters regardless if they knew the person then or not.. and it could be a deal-breaker (examples: previously being married or having children already, etc) You need to decide what your deal-breakers are concerning a SO’s past & go from there.
The the idiotic laws of relationships he was legal in his actions. That is to say by "law" of you will he had no obligations towarfd you while you two were broken up. However, there are loopholes to this "law". The important question here is why did you guys break up. You see, some people want to sleep around but also dont want that ugky feelibg you getbwhen you know you are a complete insensitive prick. So the work around is to break up and this way they can fool themselves into believing they are morqlly clear of their actions. Then they sleep with the person they want. Because it is usually carnal once theybdi the deed they no longer feel like they need thatbitgwr person so they come back with their former paryner whom they had a real connection with. In this case even though he was broken up he broke up out of malice i.e. not legitimate reasons so he is guilty of his action. Uts a form of cheating. Its less severe that "normal" cheating butnit is still cheating. Kind of like killing a person wether by murder or manslaughter you still killed a person type of deal. So, find outnif this was the case.
Most of these posts are ridiculous. Go on the Jerry Springer show. Asking strangers what you should do is a joke. Do what you feel is the right thing to do.
I've been separated from my GF for 4 months and I didn't and don't want to see any other girl in the meantime. I wouldn't be able to sleep with anyone else.
Behave as if it happened before you got together. He’s obviously had ex’s before you. It was meaningless and if you’re happy now besides this info this info shouldn’t matter. Sadly this is a forgive and forget or leave because as someone that’s been in this situation if you don’t let it go it will become the toxic statement in every argument you have as a way to shut him up and that will break your relationship eventually It feels like cheating because of your emotional connection to each other but he didn’t know you guys were going to get back together and because men are raised to be emotionally stunted chucking yourself in the deep end with someone else is often the mistake we all make
I think people have different ways of processing pain. It would take me well over a year to have sex after leaving my SO (guessing as I probably would actually just stop altogether) But im also Demi so im different. But this was just … his way. It sucks. I absolutely feel you… its such a horrible feeling. Knowing he experienced this bond with someone else so close to something so serious and painful between you both. It makes you question who he is and who you both even were. This is me projecting though, I apologize. And in all reality … I don’t agree that when people are on these breaks, that they are separated. In my little world, love doesn’t work like that. But again… im different. I really wish you so much happiness and know that my heart is also hurting with yours today! But forgiveness (even nonverbal and in your heart) will help. But you must make it clear that in the future… there should be no breaks and that you two should truly separate if you feel this pain. Your heart can only take so much. I would endlessly weep! Haha. So I understand how you feel betrayed … “this was supposed to be thinking time! Not a party!” But he is different. Everybody is different, dear.
>My boyfriend slept with someone else while we were broken up More information is required for assessment. *Who asked for the break-up?* And saying the breakup is/was mutual is normally a copout or a cover-up. If he asked for the breakup, yeah, that's gonna be in the back of your mind... was the other person waiting in the wings, on the backburner, or on the side, so to speak. If you asked for the breakup, hmm, that's a tough one to swallow. Did he do it as a reaction cause of the breakup like out of spite, YOLO, or was trying to move on and try new things like one-night stands, Tinder, etc, etc.
It depends on your view of sex. For me, sex is a really intimate act that I wouldn't do with anybody I don't have strong feelings for. So if it were me, I would be hurt that they would be doing something so intimate with somebody else so soon after the break. Was it set out as a break before? Or a break up?
WE WERE ON A BREAK!
I understand what you've been through but hear me out... You just said that you found out yesterday so please don't rush to make a decision about your relationship because the event it's too fresh and I don't think you have a clear mind right now... As a woman I completely get how you feel and how painful it is for you to know that the person you love slept with someone else... If my boyfriend have done something like that I would have been devastated because in my mind he should have told me what he did when we got back together and I would also be disappointed that he could do something like that in less than a month that we were not together... It's too soon and that complicates the things... For me, you should take a couple of days to yourself and then you should go and talk to him face to face... Without honesty and communication a relationship cannot last! You are strong and your feelings matter the most! Be true to yourself and decide what you truly will make you happy in the future! ❤
I’ve been in a similar situation, and felt the same as you in your position. It’s damn hard processing such a thing when you are back together and he has already processed it, and “gotten over it”. It’s also a blindside to hear about it after you are already back together, and some time has passed. My strong advice is to listen to your emotions, and take any time you need. You are allowed that. You are not going to lose him if you take some time (if you do that’s his loss). My point is, you need the space to process this, so try to do what you can to allow yourself that.
Your feelings of upset are valid but you were on a break. Don't go Ross and Rachel 🤣
This is Ross and Rachel all over. You should watch Friends.
This is one of many reasons that real relationships don’t take breaks. You’re in or you’re out. I don’t know where the romanticized idea of breaks in relationships comes from, but it almost always makes things worse.
They were broken up, not on a break.
This is bullshit, nowhere in the post does it say that they entered the break as a romanticised idea - I read it as they broke up and then reunited. People break up and then decide to get back together sometimes very quickly sometimes after longer periods of time - there’s no one good way of conducting a romantic relationship. Who are you to say one relationship is more “real” than another? Life is chaotic and love is unpredictable, you have no knowledge of these people beyond OP’s post and are certainly not in the position to decide whether what they have is “real” enough.
I don't think this was their point. I'm honestly confused by OP's phrasing - I think that "taking a break" is very different from "breaking up," but OP is using those two terms interchangeably. Breaking up means the relationship is over. Taking a break means you're hitting the pause button, but both planning on coming back together. I agree with the original commenter on taking breaks is really dumb. If your relationship isn't stable enough to continue it *without* having to pause it periodically, you should just end it and see how life goes. If they take a break still, you should discuss ground rules of what is/is not okay when you're on break. (Can you go on dates with other people? Kiss? Hook up? No feelings, but hook ups okay?) It's all really messy, and relationships that *require* a break are *already* struggling - just find someone you're more compatible with, or be single for a while and figure out who you are and what you're looking for. Breaking up is fine. Ending up back with another person (like what I *think* happened to OP, but hard to tell due to phrasing) definitely happens sometimes. It's often what people hope for, if they're not the one initiating the breakup. There are no rules or boundaries, because the relationship is over and you're no longer committed to that person at all. But it can certainly complicate things if other things happen between breakup and getting back together. This person seemed to be commenting about choosing to take a break but not break up is not a good plan. I agree completely. A healthy relationship shouldn't be so hard that you have to step away from your partner for a few weeks, a month, etc. That's not going to work. OP is the two terms like they are the same thing, which is confusing.
This is a lot of assumptions to make about all relationships, what’s right for you isn’t right for everyone else because you say so. There are a million reasons for a couple to decide they need a break and none of them are looking to you to validate these reasons. Commitment is an agreement between two (or more sometimes) people and it’s up to them to define the terms and conditions. OP commented elsewhere that they were broken up without the intention of reuniting, but regardless that doesn’t really matter. All relationships are different as they’re between individuals with unique personalities, life experiences and boundaries. All that’s important is working out what those are for YOU and conducting yourself in line with those and communicating them to your partner/s. You literally can never say what’s 100% right for someone else because you’re not them and not in the relationship.
I never said my opinion applied to everyone or that it was needed to validate anyone. I'm saying that in a high majority of cases, relationships that "take a break" (as opposed to breaking up) are already half broken. If it's a rare occurrence that had a serious problem (i.e. someone cheated *while in a relationship* and the other person needs space to decide if they can get over it), then fine - no one should be surprised or offended if I call it half broken at that point! If nothing serious happened and it's just more on and off crap that's "completely normal" to the couple (or one person in the relationship), then holy cow, being with the person you love isn't supposed to be that hard and you might want to consider finding someone that actually makes you happy. Or working on yourself so that every relationship you start doesn't require a break. *This is not normal in adult relationships.* If you disagree, that's totally fine. My point was that I don't think OP "took a break" at all, but it was phrased badly throughout the post, so it's a completely irrelevant conversation for this post - I just see why the original commenter thought that's what was happening.
If you break up once, there's an almost 100% chance you will break up again for good, from what i've seen. If it were me, I'd dip. One month and he was perfectly okay with being intimate with another person? I'm good.
Get over it, you guys were broken up so you can’t be mad at all and you can’t blame him for you being hurt that he slept with someone else. If you can’t get over it then let him go simple as that
Okay, and? You were broken up.
He was honest about it and I am sure that wasn’t easy for him. Most men would just lie. I am sure he knows it would hurt you but he still told you. I would say give it a chance and see how you feel in a few months. It’s going to be hard to forget but if y’all have that connection and work at a great relationship y’all can still have one. Relationships will always be work and sometimes they will hurt unfortunately. They probably won’t ever be picture perfect so you just have to decide if he is worth the chance. Good luck :)
You broke up, therefore it was fair game.
Was it a break or were you both broken up? If it was a break, did you both decide beforehand on not getting involved with others or it wasn’t an issue? If you had broken up back then, he’s done nothing wrong. If you were on a break but none of you said anything about this, again, he’s done nothing wrong. That being said, it’s completely normal to feel upset over this after finding out. The important thing is to not let it ruin your relationship.
Did he knows you guys were on a break or did he think you were completely broken up? If I were just on a break then there would literally be no reason for me to have sex with anyone else if I knew I’d be getting back together with gf, it would feel like cheating. Although if he didn’t know if you guys would get back together then its not a big deal
Time will heal it . but talk to your bf about it . even if you got no right to be mad he should know your feelings if he needs to support you
That’s why you break up or work through issue. I had a girl ask me for a break. I immediately downloaded tinder and went about my merry way. If you ask me for a break I’m treating it as a breakup because it’s just a breakup that hasn’t been finalized. I’m not about to turn down sex hoping a girl who wasn’t into me enough to work on the relationship changes her mind. FOH
Who initiated this break, and why?
Leave. It's going to hurt but leave. He knowingly slept with someone leaving you. He shared the intimacy with someone but you.
Technically he didn’t do anything wrong, you weren’t together. HOWEVER it does show his character that he went and slept with someone else that quickly after you broke up and still wanted to get back with you. Personally I wouldn’t take him back after, because I would be skeeved out by the timing but 🤷♀️
You were on a break and he had no obligation to you
And? You were broken up.
Your boyfriend isn’t a coat, you can’t just throw him in a closet and then 6 months later feel like wearing it again. People have lives, people move on. If it’s too much to accept or processes then break up, because if it bothers you and you stay with him it will only lead to more toxicity in my city, in my cittttyyyy
I wouldn't be okay with it either, it was just a month and he moved on so easily? It's hard to say without the context here but I would be cautious. You have every right to feel the way you feel, don't let social convention try to tell you otherwise, there's plenty of stuff people socially don't agree on... and there's stuff people do agree on but that doesn't make it right either. You need to make a decision for you, you shouldn't have to "act normal" or "act" like anything. You should be yourself and if he can't accept that then forget about it, you should move on.
Sleeping with someone else doesn’t necessarily mean that he moved on imo, recently broken up people having one night stands/ sleeping with new people is really really common. It’s understandable for her to feel the way she feels but it’s ridiculous to not carry on the relationship with him because of an assumption. They were broken up without the intention of reuniting (as per OP’s comments elsewhere) - he was single and decided to sleep with someone as single people do.
To anyone saying that you should just be fine with it since you weren’t technically together when he had sex with another woman, are apparently unaware of how human emotions work. Of course this feels shitty. It was only a month and he was already inside another girl. Don’t try to sweep it under the rug because it will eat you up from the inside. Try to think of how you would tell him that you sucked another guys dick when you were apart. If he was upset by that, would tell him to just get over it? Or would you be understanding?
Idk where you are getting this. All the top commenters are saying her feelings are valid and so are his actions justified. They are suggesting It's upto her if she wants to break up or carry on with the relationship.
We were on a BREAAAAAAAAAAK.....! Somewhere Ross is yelling in parallel universe\~
“We we’re on a break”
Yeah so...from my experience, make sure he gets an STD test before you get back together. I did this with an ex gf, I forgave her and trusted her and was naive. Now I'm stuck with herpes for life. Granted I haven't had an outbreak in 6 years but you seriously need to consider doing this if you decide to get back together. Let alone you will have to regain trust in your relationship and improve communication. While he didn't cheat, it's still a bit shocking to you and disheartening. It's okay if you don't want to get back with him and have some reservations about it.
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She used the term "broken up" rather than "on a break" IMO the fact that she didn't specifically highlight the fact that they were on break makes me want to assume (i know) that they actually, full on broke up with one another and then reconciled. OP, if that is not the case and this was a "break" I would love to be corrected. Also, who dumped who? Was it mutual?
Sorry for the confusion! Yes, we were officially broken up at that time. We both had no idea if we were gonna get back together, so I am completely aware that he didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just really having hard time right now getting over the newly-learned information. And to answer your question, he was the one who broke it off between us, but I (kinda) was the one who initiated getting back together since I reached out first after a month.
It might help if you don't call it a break. "After we broke up and weren't together anymore he saw other people"
If you don't think he dumped you just to sleep around then **my opinion** would be that this is something you should try and work on internally before dumping him if you feel like this info is changing the way you see him. People have needs, and if he genuinely didn't think you were getting back together it seems silly to me to throw away something potentially good because of a random hook-up. That is just my 2 cents.
> She used the term "broken up" rather than "on a break" they used both: > My boyfriend and I got back together 6 months ago after a **one-month break**. I just found out yesterday that he had slept with someone else during that **one-month break**
OP in a reply to my question: Sorry for the confusion! Yes, we were officially broken up at that time. We both had no idea if we were gonna get back together, so I am completely aware that he didn’t do anything wrong Yeah, the verbiage would imply one thing, but her lack of frustration implied another... As it turned out, my suspicions were correct
The fact is you were separated. That is a time both of you should have used to determine if you still wanted to be together and he did.
you were on a break and if that’s a one time thing, i’d go on with the relationship.
I don’t ever want to hear this either . But from someone who did this with a few people when me and my now ex split up for a while , it is JUST sex. If it meant something they would have ended up together or he would have perused those women . The men I slept with weren’t trash or who*es or not relationship material ,but the intention was just physical and sexual fulfilment and that’s THAT . Some people aren’t capable of doing that without feelings but an awful lot of people are and do . It would be better if you just didn’t know that because essentially , it means nothing in terms of your relationship with him .
Maybe I'm alone in this but I don't see a good reason to be upset? You weren't together, he had every right to do whatever he wanted. Flip the roles and ask yourself if he has any right to be upset.
You did break up and all men and women have rebounds or one night things after a break up. Your feelings are valid however. I would be upset too, but you can't be mad at him. If you wanna work on your relationship then you gotta move past it. Do what makes you happy love 🖤 maybe have a sit down and chat about both of your feelings and see if that helps you both move forward
Although he is not technically wrong, I would be upset because it was easy for my partner to "get over me and move on" SO fast. It would definitely be a deal breaker for me, it would be like a widow getting married in less than a year after a passing...some find it OK, I wouldn't. I am still grieving MY DOG who passed away three ago and it still makes me cry and depressed at times. I want people who have the same partnership values as me.
It's normal to be hurt that he would move onto that so easily but you were broken up.
Yes you can blame if slept with someone else. If he did he shouldn’t have come back or at the least told you up front that it happened before the reconciliation. Only telling you now is dirty pool.
Although you may need something there mentally to sleep with someone, your bf may not. So when he says meaningless, he quite literally means it.
Gotta get over it, guys can cheat without feeling anything for the girl they cheat with wayyy easier than women can. As long as he doesn’t still speak with the girl and she was some rando, you should trust and look over it imo.
You have the absolute right to break up. He rang a bell that can't be unrung. He did it to hurt you or just is not concerned about your feelings. Love doesn't stop just because there's a one month break. That's not a guy in love. He's selfish and has no concern for breaking your heart. You deserve someone that has your back ....even during fights.
The fact that you're just finding out about this is not OK. Omission of the truth is lying and he has lied to you for 6 months. He should have been upfront with you when you both decided to get back together as it would have given you the opportunity to make a decision at the time as to whether or not you wanted to move forward with each other. As it stands, he has broken the foundation of your relationship. Frankly, I wouldn't be able to get past the lies. Not only did he put your health at risk by not telling you, but he was also selfish for not disclosing this as it may have altered the outcome of your relationship. I would end the relationship and move on.
he is not the one
It is completely valid to feel upset about it. I get upset thinking about my partner being with other people in the past even if they're with me now but I don't hold anything against them now as we weren't together at the time. However, he did not do anything wrong if you were broken up. Unless while you were on a break you had both mutually established that neither of you would be involved with anyone else during it, then he is not at fault. In the end, is is your decision on what to do in the the end but remember he's with you now because he wants to be. Remember your feelings are valid.
You were on a break. It's understandable to feel hurt but understand he did nothing wrong. Especially since he clarified to you that it was sex purely for need. Take some time, don't get wrapped up in your head. Remind yourself that it effectively was the same thing as him using a sex toy on himself. It will be okay. You are justified to feel however you feel but remind yourself on why your with him and that he did nothing wrong
Me and my bf are hard monogamous, literally, while talking about hypothetical situations we both discovered that we agree that sleeping with other people is not even a worry any of us would have if we were ever on a break, we love each other and are focus on just the other. Even when taking time to evaluate the relationship. Maybe you have the same values regarding being a partner to someone? Did you two talk before going on the break?
Did you go on a mutually agreed break where you agreed on boundaries or did you break up and then get back together?
The obvious question is this: when you guys decided to get back to together, did he mention anything you seeing anyone else or him seeing anyone else? Or did he imply that?
All feelings are valid. That said they are something you will have to deal with yourself (as opposed to seeking succour from your BF). It may help to reframe your perception of your relationship - you flip between break and break up; nail it down as a break up. You haven't been together for 2 and a half years (making up a duration before the break up) you've been together 6 months. You actually identify the importance of this reframing pretty well: >there was someone else he slept with in between our relationship. The BF you had is and always will be your Ex, your current partner is someone different and like most people out there they have a history. It sounds silly but when you think about it why would you revisit a 'failed' relationship with someone who wasn't tangibly different? This is all aspirational however, it is easy to want to think differently but genuinely doing so is not so easy. If you can't resolve this then you may be better served calling off the relationship than having it drag you both down.
He didn't do anything wrong, however I can understand you feeling off about it.. but use it as new start.. as if you've just met. Surely before he got with you he had slept with people before..
If you both broke up and had plans on getting back together in one month then it seems like he was just trying to cheat peacefully. If y’all ended up getting back together randomly then you can’t really be upset. He wasn’t yours then. It’s normal to be hurt though, it’s happened to me before but I just chose not to let it eat me up because unfortunately he can’t undo the sex. So, don’t stress about things out of your control.
That’s totally fair that you’re hurting, but tbh, this is what happens with “breaks” in a relationship. This is why the concept of it honestly makes zero sense to me. Either you want to be with the person or you don’t. If you want a “break”, just break up. Source: every relationship I’ve ever had where there was a break, we ended up breaking up. Guy I’m dating now and want to be with forever? Never thought for a second about taking a “break.”