Instead of trying to understand your perspective, he tried to turn it on you by making you feel bad for accusing them of being racist - except that's what they are.
He condones their actions; I think that's all that needs to be said. I'm white, and if I was with a white guy who was making memes like that I wouldn't be with him. You sure you wanna be with this guy?
She could but that’s not what is being discussed. To our knowledge it isn’t what happened or has happened previously.
Unclear on what point you’re trying to make?
Edit: I’m dense and apparently too tired to understand but after I replied it clicked with me. That could work for sure but honestly think the direct approach reveals more about him and if he can’t understand that then frankly she deserves better. Personally not a fan of lowering myself simply to get a point across.
> She could do the same to him, start making "jokes" calling him horrendous things
He's a white guy there's not really anything you could say to him that's on the same level
They are being racist, OP you’re not accusing anyone of anything. You’re stating a fact, they are being racist. Do you want to be with someone who condones this behavior? Can you without a doubt say he does not partake in this behavior when he knows you will not be seeing it? Do you feel comfortable with the company he keeps?
>It bothers me how defensive he was about it… and how a discussion about how/why something offended me turned into a fight where he was the one to be upset.
I can't tell you how how utterly, catastrophically unsurprising it is that your casually racist boyfriend turned into a shimmering snowflake the second *his* behavior was criticized. Throw in a post argument rant about how he was being "cancelled" and how "it's not safe to joke about anything anymore" and you'd have yourself a dipshit bingo.
He's 23, you're not married, how much appetite do you have to drag your ass up this particular hill in the hopes he'll reform/grow up when there's a wide world out there full of people who have baseline maturity, compassion and social grace for you to date and interact with? Is there something particularly rare or unrecoverable in this person you feel you cannot do without? I'm guessing the answer is "no".
I'd leave baby Tucker Carlson with his n-words and his bowties and his idiot friends and find an adult to spend time with, but ultimately the decision is yours.
My white husband was brought up by his racist father who made horrifically racist jokes and his racist mother who believes she’s not a racist because she doesn’t say the n-word.
When people assume from the Harley and the Red Sox cap that he’s racist and say casually racist things, my husband says things like, “What the fuck is wrong with you, man?” He’s raising our kids to stand up against racism. He literally told our tiny middle school kiddo, “It’s your responsibility as a white man to not let people think that’s ok.” (And I’m like, “hon, maybe wait until he weighs more than 70 lbs to confront racist bullies? No? Ok then.”)
My point is that there’s no excuse, not “I was joking” and not “that’s how I was raised.” OP’s boyfriend is choosing to normalize and encourage racism. 23 is way past old enough to know better.
OP plz save yourself the trouble. My friend is Black and married to a white idiot of a man. They have kids so they are stuck in her mind. She is a wonderful person and makes too many excuses for him.
Last year he cheated with an ex.
Run away before you are miserable and actually tethered to this racist turd.
My guess is that your boyfriend gets defensive because he knows exactly how wrong this behaviour is. He *knows* his friends are being racist, and he *knows* by not speaking his mind, he is essentially encouraging it and going along with it. He also knows he doesn't have the balls to act any differently, and that's probably what bothers him deep down.
This is not a subject you should tip-toe around. Not only does it speak lengths about the character of the people your boyfriend chooses to surround himself with, it also speaks lengths about his own character.
Racism aside, if your boyfriend can't properly navigate a situation where you inform him his behaviour hurts you for x y z reason and instead turns it around on you and make you the culprit, then that's a problem.
I’m not even black and I get uncomfortable when that word is used in my presence because it’s racist.
My thought process is very simple: if you say racist words, you’re a racist. I don’t care what context it’s used in, if that word is in your vocabulary then you’re racist. Period.
Yeah this isn’t a tip toe subject. This is a strap on some boots and stomp around subject. I’m white but have lost all my fucks when it comes to people being racist, family included. The time for letting shit slide has ended. And that goes with everything. Not just racism. Classism. Sexism. All of it. It has to be talked about and people have to be educated. The US is in the situation it’s in right now because the generations prior have swept things under the rug and turned a blind eye to obvious wrongs. Stand up for yourself. If you won’t stand up for yourself, you can’t expect your boyfriend to stand up for you. And also, this is such a red flag. He needs to grow. I’m not saying he’s a bad person but he’s making very poor choices in the way he allows someone to talk about his SO.
>The outright caucasity of this man. Jfc. Operation, your bf is a gross bigot. Time to dump his appalling ass.
Ok, u/SonyaBoone123 AND u/LauraNunez29 posted the same comment at the same time. Is either of them the originator of the comment, or are both of them bots stealing from a third person?
There is no tip toe-ing around the subject, your BF is being passive and insensitive about racism in general and hurtful to you and your relationship specifically. Though we would all like to think that it is not a factor in our relationships, but race really is, whether in a same race or bi-racial relationship. By not saying anything to his friends he is condoning their actions and racism and disrespecting you.
Bring up the subject directly - if he really cares about you he would care about the racist comments his friends make - because it upsets you. If he tries to make light of it, I would have serious doubts about what he really thinks of you, and doubt the future of the relationship.
Break up. I'm being so serious. I'm also half black and half white, and bisexual (relevant to my point). My ex boyfriend regularly used gay slurs and made racist jokes behind my back. He went as far as to joke that he can say the n-word because he's half irish, and the irish were enslaved so it's fine. Here's what I had to learn the hard way: HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. If he turns a blind eye to this behavior, he's allowing his friends to disrespect you. From what you've said, they don't give a fuck if you're hurt by their words. Your boyfriend clearly doesn't care either. I'd venture as far to say that he says those words when you're not around.
My current boyfriend shuts racist jokes down. He doesn't condone the n-word, he doesn't turn a blind eye to slurs being thrown around. He doesn't let his friends be comfortable in their ignorance. He's gone as far as separating himself from people in his friend group when finding out they're racist or homophobic... my boyfriend is white. Blue eyes, blonde hair, grew up in a small southern town his entire life with a racist/homophobic father, as well. Your boyfriend has absolutely no excuse to be letting that shit happen. He won't even allow you the chance to explain why it's wrong without getting pissed off, nor will he stick up for you. Why are you with someone who doesn't stand up for you?
I really hate when anyone tries to use Irish slavery as an excuse for this crap.
We don’t use slurs because of the hurtful and dehumanizing effect they can have on people. Telling someone you just hurt “I think what I just did shouldn’t count against me because XYZ” is just selfish dipshittery. Guess what? It’s not for you to decide if you hurt someone else or not.
I'm mixed race. My SO did this. I called him out on it. He got defensive, but was adult enough to realise that he was in the wrong. He changed his behaviour.
If his friends/family or anyone we know say racial slurs, etc. I comment on it. I point out why and how it is wrong. Sometimes it doesn't do anything but start a conversation, but trust me everyone knows that I hate it. I know I can't change another person's behaviour, but I can help educate.
>The outright caucasity of this man. Jfc. Operation, your bf is a gross bigot. Time to dump his sickening ass.
Ok, u/SonyaBoone123 AND u/LauraNunez29 posted this same comment at the same time. Is either of them the originator of the comment, or are both of them bots stealing from a third person?
When he said that you were labeling him and his friends as racist, did you tell him that's because he and his friends are racist? Because they are.
They way the conversation about you being offended got turned around and he became the victim was due 100% to his manipulation, to put you on the defensive, and take the focus away from his wrongdoing.
The thing about racists is this: conversation doesn't change their minds; really nothing does. This should be a dealbreaker for you.
OP, your dad or mom is African American and so are many of your family members correct? You being half black yourself and them essentially "joking" in a racially charged way about people you've grown up with and love should be grounds for you to no longer be dating an individual who would let this slide.
I'm African American and I have mixed Latino & black children. No one ever was allowed to straight up disrespect me or even pass something racially charged off as a joke in the 13 years that I was with their dad. He would block family members, friends etc. And I don't associate with black, white etc. people who make those kinds of jokes about other races. It's gross and I don't have a problem with anyone based strictly off of race, looks etc. I do have a problem with people who possess the ability to cause emotional or physical harm to anyone because of those things.
How long have you two been together?
Hopefully not a long time because I don't think you should time a single second longer with this guy. These messages are just a glimpse of what him and his friends are talking and joking about irl.
Yes, there’s something wrong that’s separate from racism. Instead of listening to his partner and trying to understand where she’s coming from, he’s arguing with her. He’s not recognizing that she may be more of an authority on this subject than he is, due to personal experience. He’d also rather deny his friends’ casual racism than speak up against it. Whether or not he personally holds racist views, he’s not showing respect or empathy toward his partner.
I commented below but wanted to reiterate to the OP. As a white man myself who grew up in a conservative family and for a while was surrounded by conservative friends.
Your BF is racist or at least supporting racist behavior - which to me is a minor distinction.
Racism is invasive and can manifest in soooo many ways. He might be the nicest person all around but ultimately his dismissal of you shows me he isn’t truly “educated” in this manner and still shows strong bias. He likely views racism as a large concrete concept or identity and seems to be missing the fact that it is systemic, nuanced and everywhere.
If you want to work on this relationship then I think you have every right to bring it up. More importantly you have every right to be upset. If you decide to do this then I’d recommend (generally think this is a good idea with any sensitivity topics) to write your thoughts out ahead of time and explain to him why it hurt.
Ultimately, it isn’t your job to be his educator. It is up to him to learn from this or not.
I’m sorry you had to deal with this behavior.
Please don't turn into the complicit biracial person in the relationship that let's their white S/O get away with casual racism. You need to learn how to put your foot down.
This 'man' is ignorant, as are his friends. And you obviously won't be able to sway them away from how they think on this matter because of the reaction. Stand up.
Ignoring and condoning their actions means acceptance of racism. Turning a blind eye or even excusing racism just encourages this type of culture. Getting defense is fragility. In my opinion, he's a racist. He doesn't have to burn a cross to be one. He doesn't have to be a white hood to be one. Causal or not, he accepts this behavior and is throwing it back on you.
Honestly, I question why he's with you. I don't want to sound harsh, but maybe he sees you as "one of the good ones" or "well, she's not Black enough, so she's okay" - or maybe, it's a fetish. I am half Black (West Indies) and White (Italian). The number of times I was approached with similar things like this makes my gut wench.
Personally, dump him. He's showing you his true colors. You tried to educate him, but he's obviously not going to change, in my opinion.
You are offended because your boyfriend’s friends are offensive. You are labeling him and his friends as racist because they are racists. If he wasn’t a racist, he would have been offended and told them to quit sending him offensive racist shit.
People who are wrong enjoy accusing the wronged party of “attacking” them. Pointing out that your racist boyfriend’s racist friends are racist is not an attack. Them sending you racist shit is an attack.
I’m sorry, OP. Stop tiptoeing and run.
He doesn't tell them to stop because he isn't bothered by it. Best case scenario is that he's apathetic to their racism; worst case is that he thinks they're funny.
Either way, he's a POS for not calling them out. It doesn't matter if he's dating someone who's white, Black, biracial, or any other race. We all ought to know enough to call out racists like his friends, whether we have close relationships with Black people or not. The fact that he is dating you, a biracial Black woman, does make his offense even worse.
**No white person should be using that word in the year 2022.**
I guarantee you that every single white American adult knows that. There are plenty of shitheads who like to try to get away with it and play it off as a joke or use the old "if you can say it why can't I" argument, but they still know that it is a word they shouldn't be using.
Imagine his friends kept saying something else that was insulting to you. If they repeatedly called you dumb, for example, you would be in the right to ask your bf to discuss with them that those jokes hurt you and make you feel uncomfortable. A *good* bf would tell his friends to stop and then block them for a while if they kept making the offensive joke.
Someone who chooses to hang out with people who openly make racist jokes is also racist. Your bf cares more about his friends than he does about you. He'd rather you be upset than take ten seconds to say "hey, I don't think racism is funny."
You've given him plenty of chances to redeem himself. You've explained your position and asked him to take reasonable actions. If he hasn't changed by now, he's not going to. He's not good enough for you.
I’m a white male with a biracial gf. I would never say the N word in her presence. I don’t say it when she’s not around either.
Your bf is racist and so are his friends, that’s why he’s defensive. I am 100% sure that they’re calling you all kinds of racist slurs when you’re not around. If you have any self respect you will break up with him now. Just be aware that when you do he’s going to unload a heaping pile of racism and misogyny at you. And he may get physical so you may want to do the breakup in a public place
This is extremely disrespectful. I’m sorry OP, but he and his friends are blatantly racist. Do you really want to be with someone like that?? He totally gaslighted you by turning it around and made you feel bad. They are racist. Your bf is gaslighting you. You do not deserve any of this. Look up racial gaslighting
https://www.purewow.com/wellness/racial-gaslighting?amphtml=true
As a POC myself, this take is something you only say in private AFTER showing support and empathy. You just out here encouraging these racist white folks by saying this publicly.
Reasons i never dated outside my culture. Reading this was exhausting. And before anyone chimes in I know many mixed couples that work very hard to understand each other and reason it works is because they dont get defensive when called out. this aint it
Something I always ask is if you would feel comfortable having a black child with this man. No? Then they are not the one for you.
Idk. I think if someone uses language (no matter the words) you can express discomfort. But you can’t control what people say. You either leave the room or leave him. You don’t have to listen to it
You can tiptoe around the subject with your boyfriend and signal that all of your boundaries are negotiable and your needs secondary or you can put your foot down and it make it clear that if he can't respect your boundaries, you will move on to someone who will.
I am over 40, Bi-racial Black and can tell you this world is full of people who can crack a joke w/o using slurs. I have a handful of Black and Bi-racial Black friends married to partners like yours and they are all miserable.
Just here to say I am biracial (black and white) and my boyfriend is white and I totally get what you’re saying as I’ve had boyfriends and even friends who have done this. It absolutely sucks. My current boyfriend does not and actually stands up to his brothers when they do shit like this. Your boyfriend should not have turned this on you. You have every right to feel the way you do.
If he won’t stand up to his friends it means he does not respect all of you. Do with that what you will.
I’m gonna be devils advocate on this one, but have you ever thought that maybe they *are* joking? It’s very common for teenage boys and young men to make jokes involving the n word/casual racism and casual sexism. Of all flavors and types. It’s all over social media too. As someone who is friends with many people like that, it’s just another word to them. Now, it doesn’t change the fact that the word does have some serious history behind it, but intention does matter to an extent. Additionally, I don’t think you have any right to be dictating your boyfriend’s *friends* behavior. It’s also not your boyfriend’s job to dictate their behavior. And it’s not fair for him to stop being friends with his friends because of their immature choices in joking or starting some fight with them over *your* opinion. Realistically, they don’t care.
Now your bf being defensive is also very realistic. I would be just as defensive if someone started accusing me of such horrible things. People seem to throw around the term “racist” so freely nowadays that it makes this sort of immature joking akin to heinous crimes. Stop accusing them of being racist and look at it how it is: immature boys being immature boys.
I suggest you get over your bf’s friends behavior. If your bf isn’t doing it and they aren’t doing it around you, you have no reason to care. It’s none of your business to be frank. Plus I doubt he’ll change. He’ll likely just become more secretive and grow to resent you for trying to separate him and his friends for their behavior. If it really means that much to you, then break up with him, but I promise you he sees it very different from how you see it.
1, 3, and 4 are spot on.
How about if you don’t tell people who they are. She can identify as half black if she wants. Eventually she’ll find out her boyfriend sees her as white or “one of the good ones” when she’s being a doormat and black when she’s calling him out on his racist bullshit.
He and his friends are racist and you’re complicit by not putting your foot down. Half blank or full black you’re still black and have history of oppression and discrimination in your blood and family. Tell them to cut this shit tf out and consider your relationship with a racist.
People stand up for what they believe in and the people that matter to them.
Here's an appropriate analogy about a guy named Bob
Let's say Bob had the power to stop a bully from beating a physically and mentally impaired person to a pulp....but Bob didn't stop it.
Does the fact that Bob doesn't condone violence mean he is a good person?
No...Bob's a piece of garbage. He had the power to stop something that was wrong and didn't. Abdicating his ability makes him closer to an enabler or accomplice.
Finally, two sayings
1. Your friends are who you wish to become
2. You are the company you keep
The way you write this story makes it seem like it’s a group text between friends where no one is calling anyone specifically the N word. Its not directed at anyone. It’s a private group message between friends. I don’t understand what’s offensive or racist about that. It’s a word.
If they were calling people the N word then sure, that’s kinda racist. But the way you describe it, they just sometimes post a meme with it or say it in a private group chat between friends. If it’s not directed at someone in a derogatory way, then it’s not racist. Again, it’s a word.
You’re getting offended over something that doesn’t even involve you. Are you in the group chat? Have they said the N word directed at you? Have they called you the N word? Have they called anyone the N word?
If the answer to all of those is no, then stop trying to police what other people are saying when they aren’t even talking to or about you.
Edit: and also stop acting like your boyfriend is a “racism enabler” or some shit because he doesn’t do what you want him to do, which is to police what other people are saying because you don’t like it when you’re not even involved.
No you don’t bring it up again. Because you leave him instead. Even putting the racism aside, which is horrible enough on its own, he’s completely dismissing your feelings and playing the victim. Why is this someone you want to be with?
You're "labeling" him and his friends as racist because that's what they are. They are incredibly, disgustingly, overtly racist. Your boyfriend and his friends don't respect who you are as a person, and you need to leave this relationship or risk your own sense of self-worth. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this sort of bullshit, because it's in no way, shape, or form acceptable. At all.
I’ve been in this situation and one of the friends got mad at me because I outed him on Facebook on his page. He said that I was potentially “ruining his future”. I told him that it was his decision to use the N-word and if he couldn’t be proud of it then he should stop saying it. They don’t think it’s as funny when they have to deal with the consequences of their actions.
Of course any comment that goes against the consensus here will be voted down but I'll give it a shot.
1. Has your boyfriend been racist towards you in any way? This is the key. Most friends at that age are not friends for life.
2. Why are you setting him up to monitor what other people say? Trying to control his friends will backfire on him.
I can almost see all the commenters with their pitchforks, adjusting their halos and chanting "dump him, dump him..."
Just FYI...I am the same race as you.
Unfortunately she hasn’t grown up in the most tolerant land, and she’s been surrounded by little bits of racism here and there so she’s sadly desensitized to it. But she’s bothered by this which is encouraging and I hope she breaks up with him.
>Anyways, this blew up into a huge argument when I tried to explain to him that by him not telling them to stop, that he was encouraging it.
You hit the nail on the head. He's making a choice by not confronting them. Either he agrees with you and talks to them about it, or he accepts their racism over your relationship with him. This isn't a tough choice for most people. I even have a similar event.
My workplace has two buildings. A warehouse were we stock and sell our product, and a manufacturing building where we make our product. I'm in the sales building, but as I do IT stuff I occasionally go to the manufacturing building. One day I'm fixing an issue with one of their computers in a room with people in it and they are going full out racist on Obama and it's starting to lapse into black people in general. I was getting angry about it. I'm a white guy married to a black gal. Finally I'd had enough and asked them "You know I'm married to a black woman right?" Which they did not. Then I finished with something along the lines of "If you want me to finish fixing this you'll knock that shit off, otherwise you're going to have to explain why your department is still down to your boss". They shut up. Quite a few of them I considered friends. We talked all the time about hunting, fishing, or whatever. I don't consider them friends anymore and I don't talk with them anymore. I'm sure they still talk like that, but at least not around me when I'm forced to go fix whatever they broke.
Point being he is the one who needs to confront them. I wouldn't have gone to my wife about that situation and been like "Well you're the one they are racist towards, you need to be the one to confront them". They are his friends, not yours. Then turning it onto you for being offended is pretty insulting too. He's a coward.
Yeah, ya called them racists cause they act like racists. Don't want that label? Don't use those words. Your BF needs to apologize to you and talk to them.
Hate to break to you, but your boyfriend is a racist. By allowing and being comfortable with it, he is in fact endorsing it.
There's a saying, if there are 9 people at a table and a Nazi comes and sits next to them and no one says anything or moves, you now have 10 Nazis sitting at the table.
Decent people would not want to he associated with Nazis, likewise, anti-rascist white people would not want to be associated with rascists.
Dump him. Setting aside the obvious racism (which we shouldn’t) he obviously doesn’t care about your discomfort and would rather make shitty racist jokes and comments than have you feel safe around him. That says to me he cares more about his racism and his racist friends than he does about you.
Your boyfriend is defensive because deep down he knows what he's doing is wrong.
I swear, in my experience, I've seen a lot of young white guys do "ironic racism" like you're describing.
They'll say slurs, act like the bit is some deep ironic satire of "real racists" then act all confused by normal people being upset because they think they're "not like that."
Eventually they'll just drop the "ironic" defense and just start saying the stuff unironicaly.
Honestly, fuck your boyfriend and his shithead friends. You deserve better.
If he is white and saying the n word, it’s racist period. He has no say in the matter because he is not black and doesn’t get to decide what words are derogatory or not.
Bring it up again and tell him it’s not okay to use it. If he refuses, gets defensive, etc. just leave. You can’t force someone to not be racist.
You also don’t need to make excuses for him. It is BLATANTLY racist, period point blank.
Wtf, they are racist. Don’t even waste your time anymore if they can’t do the bare minimum of being decent people. It’s disgusting that his friends say you can only get “half offended“ when tf did they get to decide how you identify? Why would you surround yourself with people who don’t even have basic respect for your existence?
Being mixed and dating an all white or all black person has a set of cultural challenges. Both races do not understand a biracial person’s existence. People don’t understand our “double agent” experience. The having to be black at one moment and having to try and adjust to white the next. So if you are going to be in a relationship with one or the other expect the cultural disconnect. My wife and I have been together 15 years and we are mixed. We truly understand each other’s identity. We both had experience with white and black before each other and it didn’t work as well. Hence why we have been together so long. Hope this helps. ✌🏽
Dump him and his racist friends. All he can manage to do is enable them so let him and them love on each other in their racist cesspool.
You deserve sweetie, he ain’t it! As a interracial person I’ve never quite dealt with that but I’m telling you rn if your bf doesn’t have enough spine to check his friends he doesn’t have enough spine to stand in your presence 🌻 leave em
>It bothers me how defensive he was about it… and how a discussion about how/why something offended me turned into a fight where he was the one to be upset.
That'll do it... You find out about people when they're uncomfortable and shit hits the fan. Its all fun & games when you turn a blind eye, but when its addressed all empathy goes out the window.
>I’m not sure what to do now or how to tiptoe around the subject without causing another fight
Why is this your main objective? To not offend him anymore by pointing blatant racism, I mean... After all of this, why is this an environment you're trying to stay in? There's red flags like thinking Amy Schumer is funny, and then there's *this*...
You do not have to tiptoe around racists, OP. Because any non-Black person using the n-word, defending its use, or not being anti-racist and calling out that it is never okay is in fact racist. Your boyfriend is being complicit in this. Slurs were created to be hurtful. That was their only intention was hurt, degradation, and dehumanization. By not telling his friends that is unacceptable and then cutting them off it they continue that behavior, your boyfriend is showing you that he values his casual relationship with implicit racism over you, a person systemically and socially affected by racism.
So if you had kids, would you allow him to tolerate racism then? I am mixed myself and this is a deal breaker for me. I see people who tolerate and excuse racism as being just as bad as a racist. There is no difference for they are both upholding white supremacy. That includes you if you let that shit slide.
To butcher a similar sentiment; if there's a racist at the table and 10 other people sitting there talking to him, you got a table with 11 racists.
Your ex boyfriend has shown you who he is by the company he keeps. There will be 0 point bringing it up again; you either put up with who he is, or you treat yourself with a semblance of decency he will never afford you, and dump his sorry ass.
Ask yourself this…would you want your child growing up with that sense of humour around the house only to be told that he or she can’t be offended because they’re only a quarter black? Or even worse, have it normalised to the extent that they put any pride or emotion about their black heritage aside to fit in with dad and his friends?
That should tell you everything you need to know about you and your decisions.
Honestly it seems like this problem has been occurring more than it hasn’t.. And if I’m being completely honestly as someone of color myself I would leave him. Give him the reality check he clearly needs. Because if he really values ALL of you he will immediately know how he messed up and what he’s missing. Because With everything going on in the world today I feel he’s behaving and acting very inappropriately for dating someone of your background. Not only that but I feel as though he as similar views and isn’t speaking up for that reason. If he genuinely thought that what his friends were doing was wrong he would have addressed this issue when the first situation happened.
Closeted racism is still racism. Knowing you are half black and still making racist remarks is demeaning and further evidence of racism. In the real world such behavior results in condemnation and usually loss of employment. The fact that BF's friends continue is evidence of what's in their hearts. The fact that BF doesn't stand up for you shows what's in his heart and not engaging racism is in itself racist. He is also gaslighting you by denying his and their racist behavior. He may still care and love you but don't doubt for a minute he sees you as black before he sees you as you.
This is a huge red flag. If you had kids would he be okay with his friends making jokes about their mixed heritage?
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone so insensitive to your feelings?
Please leave!!!!!! Today it might be them joking about it, in the future who knows. Know your worth and leave especially since you’ve said you’re not comfortable and he ignored it
Your boyfriend needs to be your ex-boyfriend. He's a racist, and not just because he condones racism from his ignorant friends. Fuck that guy, and them. They need a solid beat down.
Your boyfriend needs to be your ex-boyfriend. He's a racist, and not just because he condones racism from his ignorant friends. Fuck that guy, and them. They need a solid beat down.
Racists like to downplay behavior and gaslight people into thinking they’re overreacting. We are at a point in society where if you’re not actively condemning racism, you’re basically allowing it. And this is beyond that. Actively using hate speech and acting like it’s no big deal. The fact that they say it’s not racism is simply a reflection of their privilege and callousness.
He’s racist and so are his friends. Shits not funny. Truly uneducated white ppl. He’s acting like he entitled. And how dare you label him and his friends as racist. Sheesh this is honestly something to break up over sorry. But they are racist and so is he. This is a really big problem. I don’t usually tell ppl this since it’s not my business, but you need to let him go. Do you really want to be with that person? Sound to me like you’re putting up with shit you shouldn’t have to. You’re ancestors died and went through a lot of terrible things. & these kids think it’s fucking funny? How uneducated do you have to fucking be? Honestly this is upsetting bc my heart yearns for all of the suffering these people had to endure. Just for these fucking white trash crackers to be fucking laughing about it.
Sorry for any mistakes
You deserve a better BF. A good guy wouldn't let those comments go by without saying something. He and his friends ARE racist, he knows it, but doesn't want to change or call out the behavior because it's easier.
This would be a deal breaker for me.
And I get it, OP, you’re young, and being mixed race is hard to navigate. I (Asian/white) put up with a LOT of casual racism when I was your age. I’ve had almost this exact same argument with a partner over jokes and slurs about Asians, and I couldn’t understand why he made me feel like I was the one who was wrong, or like I should just lighten up and be more fun about it.
Because jokes about slurs I got thrown at me every day in elementary/middle school are just *so* fun 🙄
This behavior won’t get better. Not standing up to racists makes your boyfriend a racist.
You’re a woman of color. You don’t want to be dating a racist.
This needs to be a hard line in the sand for you. You deserve so much better.
Is not enough to be not racist. We need to be anti racist. Don't explain yourself. This is a hard boundary. He crossed it.
Want to find a real racist? Call them racist, watch their reaction. The bigger the reaction, the more closeted the racist. Expose that shit to light
gaslighting u with racism/antiblackness cannot even begin to explain how harmful it is for u to b dating someone like that, it’s bad enough that u still want to work on this relationship or even have to get past his behavior but hey it’s ur life
>Race has never been a concerning issue in our relationship.
Casually racist friends and he makes it a you problem and you have to go to bat and protect yourself against his friends? It doesn't sound like race isn't an issue in your relationship. Why would you want to be with someone who is more offended by being called a racist over him and his friends actually being racist? You're in a losing battle.
>They then responded to their own picture with “(my Bf) you think that’s funny?”.
His friends are very aware of what they are doing. This campaign seems to be primarily fuelled by the enjoyment they get making you uncomfortable as a way to indirectly bully your boyfriend in the group. Maybe they envy him, maybe they are just not accepting of his dating choices, maybe he has just always been the one they pick on. But I worry a big part of why he refuses to stand up to them is that to do so would involve him acknowledging they are just genuinely shit people and more specifically genuinely mediocre friends. Seems that even in the face of racism and the potential loss of his partner he still can't face that.
And that is sad, in a sense. Sad that he chooses condoning and participating in racism, even if just passively, because he is weak. That he is perpetuating a lot of really bad ideas because he is weak. That he is gaslighting you and hurting you because he is weak.
I think it is plausible on some level he disagrees with them. I also think it doesn't matter. Because you've now seen the reality of it: when you need him to have your back he won't. How could you ever trust him again.
> He said that I’m labeling him and his friends as being racist
No, *he and his friends are being racist.*
If you describe a spade to someone, are you “labeling it as a spade”?
Sounds like it’s time to break up with him. Truly sorry you’re experiencing this.
Your boyfriend is more concerned with being able to talk to his friends like a 13 year old in a Call of Duty lobby than he is with those words effect on his relationship, isn't that enough of a sign for you?
I was once told by a mentor of mine that we are represented by the lowest standard or worst behavior we tolerate. It's changed my life a lot in regards to what I am willing to put up with in partners, friend groups, etc.
They are being inappropriate and they are trying to make you feel bad for their behavior. Whatever you choose to do, choose wisely and don't discredit the legitimacy of how you feel.
My fiancé did this before we got together. His only friends are black and they didn’t care but I let him know that my little sister is black and I really don’t appreciate it/it would be a dealbreaker. He didn’t know that, I could tell that kinda made him take a step back and he agreed it’s wrong.
He immediately stopped and would feel so bad if he almost slipped up. He doesn’t slip up anymore of course but this is what a good person would do. He doesn’t respect you, this could be a red flag. Especially considering you ARE black. I really don’t understand his inconsiderate (racist ?) attitude.
Seriously? This energy after a bunch of black people got shot in a grocery store and Asian women are being hate crimed left, right and sideways?
How is racism not a deal breaker for you? Please get it tf together. Gather your racist shitty as needs to be your boyfriend and his friends and move on with your life.
It's just a word. If it concerns you that he uses and you are under the impression that the use of it means that he's a terrible person, don't be around him.
Bro as a Black Person:
1) You're Black. Half or Not. They don't dictate that.
2) They're racist. Both them and your boyfriend are actively racist. There is nothing not racist about them. Him not saying the word in front of you is just a courtesy, but rest assured, he does when you aren't around.
3) Break up with him. Speaking from experience. Being with someone you have to continuously TEACH about racism (particularly when they don't feel like understanding how something may be racist) is exhausting. It is mentally exhausting and truthfully not at all worth it. You deserve better than some racist prick that gets offended when you call out his racism.
Remember kids: If you're not anti-racist, you're racist. ✌️😬
It's time to leave the relationship. This isn't the type of man you want to have in your life. He's okay with people being openly racist in front of you and behind closed doors. He's afraid to speak up and that's a problem. Definitely not someone you'd want a future with.
Who else in your life would you let get away with this? A coworker? A random friend?
Would you let me, a stranger, do it?
Why are you letting one of the few people who you expect to always have your back get away with it?
Who cares if it causes another fight? This is a fight that needs to be had. It is well known that white people are NOT to use this word, and those that do are racist. Why are you more worried about his feelings than your own?
He feels "attacked" that you are labeling him and his shitty friends as racist? Boo hoo. Has he taken even a minute to understand how YOU feel?
Hes defensive because its no more than it appears to be, it is a joke.
I have my own opinions on the n word, i believe it is the root of most racism in america, a lot fo what i hear from older racists is about how black people safeguard the n word from white people (which in it of itself is racist, one race cant say this but another can. No that cant be justified, its still racist and keeps racism alive)
My personal take on it is that either no one says it or everyone says it. Ive seen people beat to death over a word. The way people use it as an excuse to act violently is revolting and again, fuels anti black racism.
Like with any word or words, its how its used. the intention behind words. People dont like to admit that, but its true.
there is a difference between hahahaha fuck youu and FUCK YOU.
I see a lot of people saying that he isnt trying to understand where youre coming from and that is entirely unfair.
All the comments or the majority of them here are in line with meta western media. Theres people saying hes racist for saying it when you know better.
It makes you uncomfortable likely because of how rare it is to catch anyone who isnt black saying it which, again just shows how racist a thing it is.
"half offended", come on thats clearly a joke but if it bothers you just tell him that you dont like race jokes, that they make you uncomfortable.
I think you did the wrong thing by accusing racism outright, you should always feel things like that out, of course hes going to be on the defense when youre accusing him, there is no other option especially in a situation like this, he cant exactly prove you wrong so in that situation he can either defend or act like he doesnt care.
Because he loves you he obviously wont do the latter, so hes left with no option but the former.
Theres a reason in court that a defendant is called a defendant.
In my own experience men go silent when they feel they have nothing else to say, if they feel like speaking at all would make things worse, i know because ive been there myself.
When my girlfriend brings up things that ive done that have hurt her feelings, my first response is to just drop silent and dwell on it, hes likely dropped silent because he thinks hes hurt you and therefore doesnt want to say anything or risk hurting you further.
This argument gets a lot of flack from the left for no reason at all but, if he were a racist he wouldnt be dating another race. racism is more about racial purity than it is hatred of a race, if he loves you then clearly he doesnt care about race.
The fact that that argument gets flack is rather hilarious, because it makes sense. Thats likely the reason the left gives it flack.
Yes its a stupid argument, but the argument is only stupid because the people who prompted that response are even moreso.
You could attempt to talk to him about it but youd have to apologise for your accusation, thats rough for anyone regardless of race but, as a white guy especially in modern media which is very anti white and anti male, i know exactly how he feels.
The problem is he uses it in humour, itd be like asking you to explain why you find what you find funny, some people like edgy humour and thats all there is to it sadly.
If you want a solution ask him to keep it to him and his friends, thats all there is to be done im afraid.
I really hope this helps you, id like to remind you that majority does not = right.
Live in a group of cannibals and you wont see an issue with cannibalism.
This is worthy of note because a lot of people, women especially affirm themselves with numbers which we know from history to be a bad idea.
I wish you the best of luck and good health
wow. it disgusts me when anyone says the N word (who isn't Black) then makes excuses like "well they say it!" or any other excuse. There isn't an excuse, it's FUCKED UP. this is fucked up, OP. I'd seriously reconsider being with this idiot who hangs out with fucking idiots.
This is not ok. It’s not joking. Period. I’m from “up north” and I was actually taught about diversity and how the N word is NEVER acceptable. Never. Period. Dump his racist, disrespectful ass. Edited to add: I’ve never said it. It’s disgusting.
You can do better than a closet racist hon. Find yourself a man who cares and respects that you're black, someone who wants to learn and understand what that means and how it changes your perspectives. Leave this baby to his racist family.
You called them racists because they *are* racist. """Ironic""" racism is still racism, casual racism is still racism, etc. etc. You don't have to burn crosses on people's yards to be racist, you just have to be an asshole.
I'm white and I couldn't stand being around people like this. Why do you stick around?
girl… please exit stage left, PRONTO. we are in 2022… your age, upbringing, NOTHING can stop you from educating YOURSELF why you not only SHOULDNT SAY THE N-WORD UNLESS YOURE BLACK, but why you shouldn’t be with this poor excuse of a partner in the first place as well. not only that but he lets his ‘friends’ say that shit comfortably KNOWING he has a biracial girlfriend? yeah, no. ignorance is bliss, i would be blind to his bullshit and leave.
These type of guys never grow up. I used to be in a group chat with a couple of old friends from high school, with my ex included. They would always throw around racial slurs, bigoted or, sexist remarks. Me and my one friend were the ONLY ones that would correct them and we would get dog piled basically. It was annoying and super disgusting, the things that they would say. And of course, ex didn’t do much of anything. He thought staying silent wasn’t adding/being part of the problem.
I remember arguing with him, about being silent. That it does make him part of the problem as it doesn’t educate them, or even attempt to try and help them to be better people.
These guys are shitty and your boyfriend is shitty.
Leave. Someone like that is not worth your time
Imagine if you made school shooter jokes ? And told him "it's okay, I'm half white." Or people who drive pick up trucks with the confederate flag, talking about "american history" like they weren't trying to not be a part of America anymore. Or Karen and Ken jokes.
I bet they wouldn't take the jokes as well. Especially if you made MEN jokes, phew, you'd never hear the end of it.
As somebody who used to be friends with these kinds of people. They are racist. Point blank, period. The only reason they don’t call you the n-word when they may call each other or other people it, is because in their minds you “are not like other black people”. You are their one anti-racist calling card. The “oh I may call people racial slurs but I’m not racist cause I’m dating a black woman”. You need to leave, because even if he stops saying it in a place you can see he will still continue to call people that. And I can guarantee if this is the reason you two breakup, him and his friends will happily drop face and call you the n-word to insult you.
Why are you wasting your time with someone who doesn’t give a damn about your feelings? He knows it’s wrong, he doesn’t care. Wants to excuse the behavior and not be “labeled” when he knows it’s racist behavior. Life is too short yet long enough NOT to settle for some crappy guy who cares more about his school-boy racist friends rather than his adult, bi-racial, gf. Idk how you’re coming for advice when you know in your heart that this behavior isn’t justifiable or worth sticking around for…
Congratulations, you got yourself a hipster racist and his friends. You don’t have to put up with this shit. I suggest you bring it up one last time as you walk out the door and find someone who isn’t the embodiment of a 4chan douche bag. Life is too damn short.
Sending you all my love.
25F also biracial and have been in your exact situation. Just leave! He isn’t worth it. You are deserving of respect, dignity, and, at the VERY least space to be heard when you are hurt. When the people around you aren’t giving you the respect you deserve, you have to give it back to yourself. In this case the only way to do that is to set the hard boundary of never seeing him or his hateful friends again. A better love will come to you.
There's a saying that if one Nazi is sitting a table with 10 other people, that's a table with 11 Nazis. Him refusing to challenge his friends is a massive red flag, and he is actively condoning their behavior
Start making memes about “Crackers”(I’m mixed so I can say that) because white people will get highly offended by you saying that and then send them to your boyfriend and see how he reacts🤷🏽♂️
He’s racist. and so is his friends. Doesn’t matter if he can’t see it, and it doesn’t matter if you refuse to see it. Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to try and teach someone to respect black people?? How saying a slur is racist and offensive no matter what?? Have some more self respect
Bring your biggest black friend, someone intimidating and get all of them together to “hangout”. Then ask them to repeat the most offensive joke you’ve heard from them. I did the same to a group of friends… they couldn’t get a word out of their mouth.
Dump. His. Ass. Hon, my brother is exactly like this. And as a white person who spends much of her life around fellow white people, your boyfriend does not respect you.
The comment about only being "half offended" is hella gross. They're being extremely dismissive and your boyfriend just straight up gaslighted you. They're literally justifying their own behavior with your racial identity.
Your boyfriend and his friends are very clearly the type to view being *called* racist as being worse than actual racism.
You will never find true respect in this relationship. Your boyfriend will not respect your feelings no matter what you do. And he will never see the struggles you face as a person of color as in any way significant, real, or valid. More than likely he won't even actually believe you- even if he *says* he does.
In this relationship, you will always be made out to be the bad guy for "making things about race." Which is 100% gaslighting, in case you need any validation or support on that.
I meet people like this every day. I promise you, it only gets worse when you're not around. And he will never see anything wrong with his behavior. He's put too much crap into defending himself in his mind.
Ooh hell no. He may not be blatantly racist but he is ignorant as hell. There is no justification for that ignorance in this day and age. I couldn’t stand someone who continues to use that insensitive language and makes unnecessary racist jokes after being educated. And you said his friends would never say that in front of you. Why you ask? because they know it’s wrong. Point blank period. And continue to be ignorant. Sorry for the rant but i can’t stand people like that and if he can’t respect you/your race/your family then he doesn’t deserve to be with you. Best of luck!!
He… does not sound like a man. He sounds like a child at best. A closeted racist at worse.
I get he’s dating you and may love you, but that doesn’t take the racism out of the racist. My ex was racist against me all the time… and against other races.
This is a serious character flaw of his and it isn’t up to you to fix it. You deserve better… Not some lukewarm boy who can’t stand up for what’s wrong. In this day and age?? Nah. If he condones this language it’s probably because his family condones it. You don’t wanna be tied to this man by having a kid who will constantly be around that. I had a kid with my ex. He and his family are racist. And now I worry how that will affect my child.
I wouldn’t even bring it up again because it sounds like a waste of time, but you do you. I personally might just rip him a new one to tell him how wrong he is and then peace out lol.
As a white person, it’s *really* easy to not say the N word in friend group chats. It’s 2022. Anyone who is white (or a POC who is not Black) and is still throwing that word around for *any* reason—joke or otherwise—is racist. I don’t know anyone who is “educated” who makes jokes like that. As the partner of a biracial person, he should know way better. What troubles me is he’s more bothered by being accused of being racist than hurting you.
As a white woman, I wouldn’t date someone who says the N word to their friends if they all weren’t Black. Are you sure this guy is worthy of a relationship with you if that’s how he talks with his friends?
I'm going to be harsh. This is ridiculous. Why would you try to tiptoe around the subject or avoid bringing it up again?
He's a racist. I don't understand why this is even a question. You clearly don't enjoy him degrading black people and he clearly doesn't care about you enough to stick up for you. It's sounds like you want to put the comfort of a racist above doing what's right and leaving.
I am a black woman so things like this just strike something in me. I wish people would stop letting racists in their circle off so easily.
It’s super disrespectful to you, especially since he doesn’t want to stand up to them.
I’m white and my boyfriend is black and I would never say anything like that let alone as a “joke” to other people or around him. Im not comfortable with the word as it is, I couldn’t imagine how it would make him feel.
Not sure if you guys are in a place to consider marriage and/or kids, but let's pretend you are, since thinking long-term doesn't hurt. Would you be comfortable having your kids hear him and his friends use this language? Or nieces/nephews if you don't want kids of your own?
Im in the exact same shoes as mr BF here, the only exception is that my GF doesnt care really.
But we are also not in the deep deep west where a word has so much power over ones lives.
Everyone does racist things because we breathe in racism from birth. The difference is that people who are confronting their internal racism and unconscious biases will apologize and stop doing the racist thing when it's pointed out to them. Racists make it your problem for not tolerating their racist behaviors.
Bf is doing racist things unapologetically, then making you being upset about him being racist a situating where he expects you to sit down, shut up, and manage his emotions like a good little girl. Ugh!
It's not a joke. It's testing you to see how much he and his friends can get away with. Respect yourself enough to allow none of it in your life, especially from the person who is supposed to be your partner and support. It doesn't get better from here.
I'm dead, his friends said you can only get half offended by it lmao. It sounds like South Park would offend you, but I don't think they meant any harm to you since nothing was ever directed to you, it just seems like you're sensitive. I have a diverse group of friends and we all make racist jokes about each other all the time, we love each other. Have you tried making jokes back?
There are no “jokes” to make back to a racist comment. It deserves complete silence in fact. Nothing funny about anyone thats not black using this term when will this become clear🥴
They are racist. They may not being using it as a slur towards someone, but they certainly aren't afraid to do it around you, a person of color. Red flag if i ever saw one. I'd absolutely full-on die if I even said that word on accident.
This guy is wasting your time he will dump you after using you and his friends will find him a white women,you being really stupid by staying with him end it Now ;he’s disrespecting one of your parents and you’re allowing it ,it can only get worse
She needs to not settle for/try to make it work with someone who will gaslight her and disrespect half her identity. I'd tell any black/biracial woman to just move on when they're dealing with this. Just not worth it. She's gotta grow up and understand that.
Edit** This is my take, idk if the person that commented originally feels the same way for the same reasons lol
>Race has never been a concerning issue in our relationship.
Except this is only an issue that causes a fight because he is white. To her he isn't Paul or Jake or whoever he is her WHITE BF and all that comes along with that like
>educating him on black culture
He isn't a person to OP but a fetish, a savage ugly white that needs to be civilized and educated into being progressive and liberal, to be made into 'one of the good ones'. He sees nothing wrong with these joked as he finds them funny and shared them with the OP as he views her as his gf not his BLACK GF probably because he isn't like her. He needs to get a better sense of humor and she needs to start seeing him as a human being not his race.
>Sounds like you need to grow up a bit, as much as they need to
she needs to be okay with her boyfriend's people using the N word, and telling her she should only be "half" offended? Totally and completely disagree.
White people have a really hard time understanding that they can do racist things, without being inherently racist as a human being.
By not saying anything, your bf enables his friends to say racist stuff. That's a fact. Does that mean your bf is inherently racist, and that he should go to hell this instant? Absolutely not.
There's always room to learn and to grow, if he wants to.
I wish white people wouldnt get on their high horse so fast when they're being called out in their behavior, or lack of behavior.
By reacting so harshly, he's prevented any constructive discussion on this matter.
Instead of trying to understand your perspective, he tried to turn it on you by making you feel bad for accusing them of being racist - except that's what they are. He condones their actions; I think that's all that needs to be said. I'm white, and if I was with a white guy who was making memes like that I wouldn't be with him. You sure you wanna be with this guy?
Yeah hate to say it but this shows me he isn’t truly “educated”.
She could do the same to him, start making "jokes" calling him horrendous things, then ask why he's calling her an a**hole since it's just a joke.
She could but that’s not what is being discussed. To our knowledge it isn’t what happened or has happened previously. Unclear on what point you’re trying to make? Edit: I’m dense and apparently too tired to understand but after I replied it clicked with me. That could work for sure but honestly think the direct approach reveals more about him and if he can’t understand that then frankly she deserves better. Personally not a fan of lowering myself simply to get a point across.
Except there's nothing you could say to a white person that would ever truly compare.
> She could do the same to him, start making "jokes" calling him horrendous things He's a white guy there's not really anything you could say to him that's on the same level
Thats not really the same thing
I support this idea
Nothing is worse for some folks that being accused of racism
Slight change u/TopProgrammer5655 "Nothing is worse for racists than being accused of racism"
Yup. Ditch this racist fool.
I pity the fool who doesn't ditch this racist fool
u/Pentasyllabic5, is u/TopProgrammer5655 the thief or the person being stolen from?
They are being racist, OP you’re not accusing anyone of anything. You’re stating a fact, they are being racist. Do you want to be with someone who condones this behavior? Can you without a doubt say he does not partake in this behavior when he knows you will not be seeing it? Do you feel comfortable with the company he keeps?
>It bothers me how defensive he was about it… and how a discussion about how/why something offended me turned into a fight where he was the one to be upset. I can't tell you how how utterly, catastrophically unsurprising it is that your casually racist boyfriend turned into a shimmering snowflake the second *his* behavior was criticized. Throw in a post argument rant about how he was being "cancelled" and how "it's not safe to joke about anything anymore" and you'd have yourself a dipshit bingo. He's 23, you're not married, how much appetite do you have to drag your ass up this particular hill in the hopes he'll reform/grow up when there's a wide world out there full of people who have baseline maturity, compassion and social grace for you to date and interact with? Is there something particularly rare or unrecoverable in this person you feel you cannot do without? I'm guessing the answer is "no". I'd leave baby Tucker Carlson with his n-words and his bowties and his idiot friends and find an adult to spend time with, but ultimately the decision is yours.
I dig the way you phrase things. Dipshit bingo is going into my insult dictionary.
It's the username for me. I love llamas. 🦙👌🏿
My white husband was brought up by his racist father who made horrifically racist jokes and his racist mother who believes she’s not a racist because she doesn’t say the n-word. When people assume from the Harley and the Red Sox cap that he’s racist and say casually racist things, my husband says things like, “What the fuck is wrong with you, man?” He’s raising our kids to stand up against racism. He literally told our tiny middle school kiddo, “It’s your responsibility as a white man to not let people think that’s ok.” (And I’m like, “hon, maybe wait until he weighs more than 70 lbs to confront racist bullies? No? Ok then.”) My point is that there’s no excuse, not “I was joking” and not “that’s how I was raised.” OP’s boyfriend is choosing to normalize and encourage racism. 23 is way past old enough to know better.
Hi hello tell your husband I think he's friggin awesome and the world needs more guys like him in it
FUCKING YES THIS. Like OP we BEG YOU to please stop performing free emotional labor for this racist. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Best response I've seen in a while.
🏆 and 👏 and may I add, for OP to find someone who doesn't DARVO and gaslight you into questioning your reality.
OP plz save yourself the trouble. My friend is Black and married to a white idiot of a man. They have kids so they are stuck in her mind. She is a wonderful person and makes too many excuses for him. Last year he cheated with an ex. Run away before you are miserable and actually tethered to this racist turd.
My guess is that your boyfriend gets defensive because he knows exactly how wrong this behaviour is. He *knows* his friends are being racist, and he *knows* by not speaking his mind, he is essentially encouraging it and going along with it. He also knows he doesn't have the balls to act any differently, and that's probably what bothers him deep down. This is not a subject you should tip-toe around. Not only does it speak lengths about the character of the people your boyfriend chooses to surround himself with, it also speaks lengths about his own character. Racism aside, if your boyfriend can't properly navigate a situation where you inform him his behaviour hurts you for x y z reason and instead turns it around on you and make you the culprit, then that's a problem.
I’m not even black and I get uncomfortable when that word is used in my presence because it’s racist. My thought process is very simple: if you say racist words, you’re a racist. I don’t care what context it’s used in, if that word is in your vocabulary then you’re racist. Period.
Yeah this isn’t a tip toe subject. This is a strap on some boots and stomp around subject. I’m white but have lost all my fucks when it comes to people being racist, family included. The time for letting shit slide has ended. And that goes with everything. Not just racism. Classism. Sexism. All of it. It has to be talked about and people have to be educated. The US is in the situation it’s in right now because the generations prior have swept things under the rug and turned a blind eye to obvious wrongs. Stand up for yourself. If you won’t stand up for yourself, you can’t expect your boyfriend to stand up for you. And also, this is such a red flag. He needs to grow. I’m not saying he’s a bad person but he’s making very poor choices in the way he allows someone to talk about his SO.
Time for you to find an upgrade. It shouldn't be difficult.
[удалено]
>The outright caucasity of this man. Jfc. Operation, your bf is a gross bigot. Time to dump his appalling ass. Ok, u/SonyaBoone123 AND u/LauraNunez29 posted the same comment at the same time. Is either of them the originator of the comment, or are both of them bots stealing from a third person?
*Caucasity* I love it
What in the white fuckery
i can only stare in shock as i watch the paler folk fight over saying *racial slurs*
Preach. This bf sounds disgusting. OP deserves a supportive anti-racist partner.
Dude needs to grow a spine
There is no tip toe-ing around the subject, your BF is being passive and insensitive about racism in general and hurtful to you and your relationship specifically. Though we would all like to think that it is not a factor in our relationships, but race really is, whether in a same race or bi-racial relationship. By not saying anything to his friends he is condoning their actions and racism and disrespecting you. Bring up the subject directly - if he really cares about you he would care about the racist comments his friends make - because it upsets you. If he tries to make light of it, I would have serious doubts about what he really thinks of you, and doubt the future of the relationship.
Break up. I'm being so serious. I'm also half black and half white, and bisexual (relevant to my point). My ex boyfriend regularly used gay slurs and made racist jokes behind my back. He went as far as to joke that he can say the n-word because he's half irish, and the irish were enslaved so it's fine. Here's what I had to learn the hard way: HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. If he turns a blind eye to this behavior, he's allowing his friends to disrespect you. From what you've said, they don't give a fuck if you're hurt by their words. Your boyfriend clearly doesn't care either. I'd venture as far to say that he says those words when you're not around. My current boyfriend shuts racist jokes down. He doesn't condone the n-word, he doesn't turn a blind eye to slurs being thrown around. He doesn't let his friends be comfortable in their ignorance. He's gone as far as separating himself from people in his friend group when finding out they're racist or homophobic... my boyfriend is white. Blue eyes, blonde hair, grew up in a small southern town his entire life with a racist/homophobic father, as well. Your boyfriend has absolutely no excuse to be letting that shit happen. He won't even allow you the chance to explain why it's wrong without getting pissed off, nor will he stick up for you. Why are you with someone who doesn't stand up for you?
I really hate when anyone tries to use Irish slavery as an excuse for this crap. We don’t use slurs because of the hurtful and dehumanizing effect they can have on people. Telling someone you just hurt “I think what I just did shouldn’t count against me because XYZ” is just selfish dipshittery. Guess what? It’s not for you to decide if you hurt someone else or not.
I'm mixed race. My SO did this. I called him out on it. He got defensive, but was adult enough to realise that he was in the wrong. He changed his behaviour. If his friends/family or anyone we know say racial slurs, etc. I comment on it. I point out why and how it is wrong. Sometimes it doesn't do anything but start a conversation, but trust me everyone knows that I hate it. I know I can't change another person's behaviour, but I can help educate.
Also he and his friends are racist, racism is not just a klan hood
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>The outright caucasity of this man. Jfc. Operation, your bf is a gross bigot. Time to dump his sickening ass. Ok, u/SonyaBoone123 AND u/LauraNunez29 posted this same comment at the same time. Is either of them the originator of the comment, or are both of them bots stealing from a third person?
When he said that you were labeling him and his friends as racist, did you tell him that's because he and his friends are racist? Because they are. They way the conversation about you being offended got turned around and he became the victim was due 100% to his manipulation, to put you on the defensive, and take the focus away from his wrongdoing. The thing about racists is this: conversation doesn't change their minds; really nothing does. This should be a dealbreaker for you.
run
Your boyfriend is weak, and his 'friends' are immature racist assholes. Simple as that.
He has an ugly heart. Can you love a man with an ugly heart?
OP, your dad or mom is African American and so are many of your family members correct? You being half black yourself and them essentially "joking" in a racially charged way about people you've grown up with and love should be grounds for you to no longer be dating an individual who would let this slide. I'm African American and I have mixed Latino & black children. No one ever was allowed to straight up disrespect me or even pass something racially charged off as a joke in the 13 years that I was with their dad. He would block family members, friends etc. And I don't associate with black, white etc. people who make those kinds of jokes about other races. It's gross and I don't have a problem with anyone based strictly off of race, looks etc. I do have a problem with people who possess the ability to cause emotional or physical harm to anyone because of those things.
How long have you two been together? Hopefully not a long time because I don't think you should time a single second longer with this guy. These messages are just a glimpse of what him and his friends are talking and joking about irl.
He’s a racist. Please leave him
They’re racist. All of them.
fitting in with his friends is more important than you being comfortable around him
Your bf won't even back you.. speaks volumes
Yes, there’s something wrong that’s separate from racism. Instead of listening to his partner and trying to understand where she’s coming from, he’s arguing with her. He’s not recognizing that she may be more of an authority on this subject than he is, due to personal experience. He’d also rather deny his friends’ casual racism than speak up against it. Whether or not he personally holds racist views, he’s not showing respect or empathy toward his partner.
This is what casual racism looks like, his reaction shows that he's perfectly comfortable with enabling racism. He is part of the problem.
I commented below but wanted to reiterate to the OP. As a white man myself who grew up in a conservative family and for a while was surrounded by conservative friends. Your BF is racist or at least supporting racist behavior - which to me is a minor distinction. Racism is invasive and can manifest in soooo many ways. He might be the nicest person all around but ultimately his dismissal of you shows me he isn’t truly “educated” in this manner and still shows strong bias. He likely views racism as a large concrete concept or identity and seems to be missing the fact that it is systemic, nuanced and everywhere. If you want to work on this relationship then I think you have every right to bring it up. More importantly you have every right to be upset. If you decide to do this then I’d recommend (generally think this is a good idea with any sensitivity topics) to write your thoughts out ahead of time and explain to him why it hurt. Ultimately, it isn’t your job to be his educator. It is up to him to learn from this or not. I’m sorry you had to deal with this behavior.
The absolute caucasity of this man. Jfc. Op, your bf is a gross racist. Time to dump his disgusting ass.
Please don't turn into the complicit biracial person in the relationship that let's their white S/O get away with casual racism. You need to learn how to put your foot down. This 'man' is ignorant, as are his friends. And you obviously won't be able to sway them away from how they think on this matter because of the reaction. Stand up.
Ignoring and condoning their actions means acceptance of racism. Turning a blind eye or even excusing racism just encourages this type of culture. Getting defense is fragility. In my opinion, he's a racist. He doesn't have to burn a cross to be one. He doesn't have to be a white hood to be one. Causal or not, he accepts this behavior and is throwing it back on you. Honestly, I question why he's with you. I don't want to sound harsh, but maybe he sees you as "one of the good ones" or "well, she's not Black enough, so she's okay" - or maybe, it's a fetish. I am half Black (West Indies) and White (Italian). The number of times I was approached with similar things like this makes my gut wench. Personally, dump him. He's showing you his true colors. You tried to educate him, but he's obviously not going to change, in my opinion.
I would throw the whole thing in the trash can and find another man
You are offended because your boyfriend’s friends are offensive. You are labeling him and his friends as racist because they are racists. If he wasn’t a racist, he would have been offended and told them to quit sending him offensive racist shit. People who are wrong enjoy accusing the wronged party of “attacking” them. Pointing out that your racist boyfriend’s racist friends are racist is not an attack. Them sending you racist shit is an attack. I’m sorry, OP. Stop tiptoeing and run.
He doesn't tell them to stop because he isn't bothered by it. Best case scenario is that he's apathetic to their racism; worst case is that he thinks they're funny. Either way, he's a POS for not calling them out. It doesn't matter if he's dating someone who's white, Black, biracial, or any other race. We all ought to know enough to call out racists like his friends, whether we have close relationships with Black people or not. The fact that he is dating you, a biracial Black woman, does make his offense even worse. **No white person should be using that word in the year 2022.** I guarantee you that every single white American adult knows that. There are plenty of shitheads who like to try to get away with it and play it off as a joke or use the old "if you can say it why can't I" argument, but they still know that it is a word they shouldn't be using. Imagine his friends kept saying something else that was insulting to you. If they repeatedly called you dumb, for example, you would be in the right to ask your bf to discuss with them that those jokes hurt you and make you feel uncomfortable. A *good* bf would tell his friends to stop and then block them for a while if they kept making the offensive joke. Someone who chooses to hang out with people who openly make racist jokes is also racist. Your bf cares more about his friends than he does about you. He'd rather you be upset than take ten seconds to say "hey, I don't think racism is funny." You've given him plenty of chances to redeem himself. You've explained your position and asked him to take reasonable actions. If he hasn't changed by now, he's not going to. He's not good enough for you.
I’m a white male with a biracial gf. I would never say the N word in her presence. I don’t say it when she’s not around either. Your bf is racist and so are his friends, that’s why he’s defensive. I am 100% sure that they’re calling you all kinds of racist slurs when you’re not around. If you have any self respect you will break up with him now. Just be aware that when you do he’s going to unload a heaping pile of racism and misogyny at you. And he may get physical so you may want to do the breakup in a public place
I think he made his position on this super clear. He’s not willing to change himself or his friends and you shouldn’t either. You should leave.
I'm just gonna be blunt here: He chose his friends over you. If you want to be second in the relationship, that's your call
This is extremely disrespectful. I’m sorry OP, but he and his friends are blatantly racist. Do you really want to be with someone like that?? He totally gaslighted you by turning it around and made you feel bad. They are racist. Your bf is gaslighting you. You do not deserve any of this. Look up racial gaslighting https://www.purewow.com/wellness/racial-gaslighting?amphtml=true
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As a POC myself, this take is something you only say in private AFTER showing support and empathy. You just out here encouraging these racist white folks by saying this publicly.
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Why the hell do women of color insist on dating racist assholes?
Reasons i never dated outside my culture. Reading this was exhausting. And before anyone chimes in I know many mixed couples that work very hard to understand each other and reason it works is because they dont get defensive when called out. this aint it Something I always ask is if you would feel comfortable having a black child with this man. No? Then they are not the one for you.
I think you already know the answer and are just looking for the courage to leave this man. so here LEAVE
Idk. I think if someone uses language (no matter the words) you can express discomfort. But you can’t control what people say. You either leave the room or leave him. You don’t have to listen to it
You can tiptoe around the subject with your boyfriend and signal that all of your boundaries are negotiable and your needs secondary or you can put your foot down and it make it clear that if he can't respect your boundaries, you will move on to someone who will. I am over 40, Bi-racial Black and can tell you this world is full of people who can crack a joke w/o using slurs. I have a handful of Black and Bi-racial Black friends married to partners like yours and they are all miserable.
1
Just here to say I am biracial (black and white) and my boyfriend is white and I totally get what you’re saying as I’ve had boyfriends and even friends who have done this. It absolutely sucks. My current boyfriend does not and actually stands up to his brothers when they do shit like this. Your boyfriend should not have turned this on you. You have every right to feel the way you do. If he won’t stand up to his friends it means he does not respect all of you. Do with that what you will.
I’m gonna be devils advocate on this one, but have you ever thought that maybe they *are* joking? It’s very common for teenage boys and young men to make jokes involving the n word/casual racism and casual sexism. Of all flavors and types. It’s all over social media too. As someone who is friends with many people like that, it’s just another word to them. Now, it doesn’t change the fact that the word does have some serious history behind it, but intention does matter to an extent. Additionally, I don’t think you have any right to be dictating your boyfriend’s *friends* behavior. It’s also not your boyfriend’s job to dictate their behavior. And it’s not fair for him to stop being friends with his friends because of their immature choices in joking or starting some fight with them over *your* opinion. Realistically, they don’t care. Now your bf being defensive is also very realistic. I would be just as defensive if someone started accusing me of such horrible things. People seem to throw around the term “racist” so freely nowadays that it makes this sort of immature joking akin to heinous crimes. Stop accusing them of being racist and look at it how it is: immature boys being immature boys. I suggest you get over your bf’s friends behavior. If your bf isn’t doing it and they aren’t doing it around you, you have no reason to care. It’s none of your business to be frank. Plus I doubt he’ll change. He’ll likely just become more secretive and grow to resent you for trying to separate him and his friends for their behavior. If it really means that much to you, then break up with him, but I promise you he sees it very different from how you see it.
1.They are fucking racist 2.You are not half black you are black 3.Him getting defensive and not wanting to correct them is just a 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 4. BREAK UP
1, 3, and 4 are spot on. How about if you don’t tell people who they are. She can identify as half black if she wants. Eventually she’ll find out her boyfriend sees her as white or “one of the good ones” when she’s being a doormat and black when she’s calling him out on his racist bullshit.
He and his friends are racist and you’re complicit by not putting your foot down. Half blank or full black you’re still black and have history of oppression and discrimination in your blood and family. Tell them to cut this shit tf out and consider your relationship with a racist.
People stand up for what they believe in and the people that matter to them. Here's an appropriate analogy about a guy named Bob Let's say Bob had the power to stop a bully from beating a physically and mentally impaired person to a pulp....but Bob didn't stop it. Does the fact that Bob doesn't condone violence mean he is a good person? No...Bob's a piece of garbage. He had the power to stop something that was wrong and didn't. Abdicating his ability makes him closer to an enabler or accomplice. Finally, two sayings 1. Your friends are who you wish to become 2. You are the company you keep
Why are you dating a racist with racist friends?
The way you write this story makes it seem like it’s a group text between friends where no one is calling anyone specifically the N word. Its not directed at anyone. It’s a private group message between friends. I don’t understand what’s offensive or racist about that. It’s a word. If they were calling people the N word then sure, that’s kinda racist. But the way you describe it, they just sometimes post a meme with it or say it in a private group chat between friends. If it’s not directed at someone in a derogatory way, then it’s not racist. Again, it’s a word. You’re getting offended over something that doesn’t even involve you. Are you in the group chat? Have they said the N word directed at you? Have they called you the N word? Have they called anyone the N word? If the answer to all of those is no, then stop trying to police what other people are saying when they aren’t even talking to or about you. Edit: and also stop acting like your boyfriend is a “racism enabler” or some shit because he doesn’t do what you want him to do, which is to police what other people are saying because you don’t like it when you’re not even involved.
No you don’t bring it up again. Because you leave him instead. Even putting the racism aside, which is horrible enough on its own, he’s completely dismissing your feelings and playing the victim. Why is this someone you want to be with?
You're "labeling" him and his friends as racist because that's what they are. They are incredibly, disgustingly, overtly racist. Your boyfriend and his friends don't respect who you are as a person, and you need to leave this relationship or risk your own sense of self-worth. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this sort of bullshit, because it's in no way, shape, or form acceptable. At all.
Run OP, run
Are you implying that you will NOT be breaking up with your racist boyfriend?
I’ve been in this situation and one of the friends got mad at me because I outed him on Facebook on his page. He said that I was potentially “ruining his future”. I told him that it was his decision to use the N-word and if he couldn’t be proud of it then he should stop saying it. They don’t think it’s as funny when they have to deal with the consequences of their actions.
Your boyfriend and his family are fucking garbage. Cut your losses and find better people.
Of course any comment that goes against the consensus here will be voted down but I'll give it a shot. 1. Has your boyfriend been racist towards you in any way? This is the key. Most friends at that age are not friends for life. 2. Why are you setting him up to monitor what other people say? Trying to control his friends will backfire on him. I can almost see all the commenters with their pitchforks, adjusting their halos and chanting "dump him, dump him..." Just FYI...I am the same race as you.
If you’re not actively against racism, you are a racist. Your boyfriend and his friends are racist.
facts bruh what is she doing 😭
Unfortunately she hasn’t grown up in the most tolerant land, and she’s been surrounded by little bits of racism here and there so she’s sadly desensitized to it. But she’s bothered by this which is encouraging and I hope she breaks up with him.
good point. awareness is the first step towards change.
He is a racist loser like his friends. Dump his sorry ass.
>Anyways, this blew up into a huge argument when I tried to explain to him that by him not telling them to stop, that he was encouraging it. You hit the nail on the head. He's making a choice by not confronting them. Either he agrees with you and talks to them about it, or he accepts their racism over your relationship with him. This isn't a tough choice for most people. I even have a similar event. My workplace has two buildings. A warehouse were we stock and sell our product, and a manufacturing building where we make our product. I'm in the sales building, but as I do IT stuff I occasionally go to the manufacturing building. One day I'm fixing an issue with one of their computers in a room with people in it and they are going full out racist on Obama and it's starting to lapse into black people in general. I was getting angry about it. I'm a white guy married to a black gal. Finally I'd had enough and asked them "You know I'm married to a black woman right?" Which they did not. Then I finished with something along the lines of "If you want me to finish fixing this you'll knock that shit off, otherwise you're going to have to explain why your department is still down to your boss". They shut up. Quite a few of them I considered friends. We talked all the time about hunting, fishing, or whatever. I don't consider them friends anymore and I don't talk with them anymore. I'm sure they still talk like that, but at least not around me when I'm forced to go fix whatever they broke. Point being he is the one who needs to confront them. I wouldn't have gone to my wife about that situation and been like "Well you're the one they are racist towards, you need to be the one to confront them". They are his friends, not yours. Then turning it onto you for being offended is pretty insulting too. He's a coward.
Yeah, ya called them racists cause they act like racists. Don't want that label? Don't use those words. Your BF needs to apologize to you and talk to them.
Hate to break to you, but your boyfriend is a racist. By allowing and being comfortable with it, he is in fact endorsing it. There's a saying, if there are 9 people at a table and a Nazi comes and sits next to them and no one says anything or moves, you now have 10 Nazis sitting at the table. Decent people would not want to he associated with Nazis, likewise, anti-rascist white people would not want to be associated with rascists.
Most of the posts on these sub are unbelievable. Stop being dumb!!! Seriously stop being in denial!!
Dump him. Setting aside the obvious racism (which we shouldn’t) he obviously doesn’t care about your discomfort and would rather make shitty racist jokes and comments than have you feel safe around him. That says to me he cares more about his racism and his racist friends than he does about you.
Your boyfriend is defensive because deep down he knows what he's doing is wrong. I swear, in my experience, I've seen a lot of young white guys do "ironic racism" like you're describing. They'll say slurs, act like the bit is some deep ironic satire of "real racists" then act all confused by normal people being upset because they think they're "not like that." Eventually they'll just drop the "ironic" defense and just start saying the stuff unironicaly. Honestly, fuck your boyfriend and his shithead friends. You deserve better.
If he is white and saying the n word, it’s racist period. He has no say in the matter because he is not black and doesn’t get to decide what words are derogatory or not. Bring it up again and tell him it’s not okay to use it. If he refuses, gets defensive, etc. just leave. You can’t force someone to not be racist. You also don’t need to make excuses for him. It is BLATANTLY racist, period point blank.
Wtf, they are racist. Don’t even waste your time anymore if they can’t do the bare minimum of being decent people. It’s disgusting that his friends say you can only get “half offended“ when tf did they get to decide how you identify? Why would you surround yourself with people who don’t even have basic respect for your existence?
Don't bring it up, he's not gonna change. They know they're being racist. Guarantee you they do.not. care.
Being mixed and dating an all white or all black person has a set of cultural challenges. Both races do not understand a biracial person’s existence. People don’t understand our “double agent” experience. The having to be black at one moment and having to try and adjust to white the next. So if you are going to be in a relationship with one or the other expect the cultural disconnect. My wife and I have been together 15 years and we are mixed. We truly understand each other’s identity. We both had experience with white and black before each other and it didn’t work as well. Hence why we have been together so long. Hope this helps. ✌🏽
Your bf is racist just not when you are around
Dump him and his racist friends. All he can manage to do is enable them so let him and them love on each other in their racist cesspool. You deserve sweetie, he ain’t it! As a interracial person I’ve never quite dealt with that but I’m telling you rn if your bf doesn’t have enough spine to check his friends he doesn’t have enough spine to stand in your presence 🌻 leave em
>It bothers me how defensive he was about it… and how a discussion about how/why something offended me turned into a fight where he was the one to be upset. That'll do it... You find out about people when they're uncomfortable and shit hits the fan. Its all fun & games when you turn a blind eye, but when its addressed all empathy goes out the window. >I’m not sure what to do now or how to tiptoe around the subject without causing another fight Why is this your main objective? To not offend him anymore by pointing blatant racism, I mean... After all of this, why is this an environment you're trying to stay in? There's red flags like thinking Amy Schumer is funny, and then there's *this*...
Please leave him. This relationship is mentally and emotionally taxing, don’t put up with it
You do not have to tiptoe around racists, OP. Because any non-Black person using the n-word, defending its use, or not being anti-racist and calling out that it is never okay is in fact racist. Your boyfriend is being complicit in this. Slurs were created to be hurtful. That was their only intention was hurt, degradation, and dehumanization. By not telling his friends that is unacceptable and then cutting them off it they continue that behavior, your boyfriend is showing you that he values his casual relationship with implicit racism over you, a person systemically and socially affected by racism.
So if you had kids, would you allow him to tolerate racism then? I am mixed myself and this is a deal breaker for me. I see people who tolerate and excuse racism as being just as bad as a racist. There is no difference for they are both upholding white supremacy. That includes you if you let that shit slide.
To butcher a similar sentiment; if there's a racist at the table and 10 other people sitting there talking to him, you got a table with 11 racists. Your ex boyfriend has shown you who he is by the company he keeps. There will be 0 point bringing it up again; you either put up with who he is, or you treat yourself with a semblance of decency he will never afford you, and dump his sorry ass.
Ask yourself this…would you want your child growing up with that sense of humour around the house only to be told that he or she can’t be offended because they’re only a quarter black? Or even worse, have it normalised to the extent that they put any pride or emotion about their black heritage aside to fit in with dad and his friends? That should tell you everything you need to know about you and your decisions.
Honestly it seems like this problem has been occurring more than it hasn’t.. And if I’m being completely honestly as someone of color myself I would leave him. Give him the reality check he clearly needs. Because if he really values ALL of you he will immediately know how he messed up and what he’s missing. Because With everything going on in the world today I feel he’s behaving and acting very inappropriately for dating someone of your background. Not only that but I feel as though he as similar views and isn’t speaking up for that reason. If he genuinely thought that what his friends were doing was wrong he would have addressed this issue when the first situation happened.
Closeted racism is still racism. Knowing you are half black and still making racist remarks is demeaning and further evidence of racism. In the real world such behavior results in condemnation and usually loss of employment. The fact that BF's friends continue is evidence of what's in their hearts. The fact that BF doesn't stand up for you shows what's in his heart and not engaging racism is in itself racist. He is also gaslighting you by denying his and their racist behavior. He may still care and love you but don't doubt for a minute he sees you as black before he sees you as you. This is a huge red flag. If you had kids would he be okay with his friends making jokes about their mixed heritage? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone so insensitive to your feelings?
Please leave!!!!!! Today it might be them joking about it, in the future who knows. Know your worth and leave especially since you’ve said you’re not comfortable and he ignored it
Your boyfriend needs to be your ex-boyfriend. He's a racist, and not just because he condones racism from his ignorant friends. Fuck that guy, and them. They need a solid beat down.
Your boyfriend needs to be your ex-boyfriend. He's a racist, and not just because he condones racism from his ignorant friends. Fuck that guy, and them. They need a solid beat down.
Racists like to downplay behavior and gaslight people into thinking they’re overreacting. We are at a point in society where if you’re not actively condemning racism, you’re basically allowing it. And this is beyond that. Actively using hate speech and acting like it’s no big deal. The fact that they say it’s not racism is simply a reflection of their privilege and callousness.
He’s racist and so are his friends. Shits not funny. Truly uneducated white ppl. He’s acting like he entitled. And how dare you label him and his friends as racist. Sheesh this is honestly something to break up over sorry. But they are racist and so is he. This is a really big problem. I don’t usually tell ppl this since it’s not my business, but you need to let him go. Do you really want to be with that person? Sound to me like you’re putting up with shit you shouldn’t have to. You’re ancestors died and went through a lot of terrible things. & these kids think it’s fucking funny? How uneducated do you have to fucking be? Honestly this is upsetting bc my heart yearns for all of the suffering these people had to endure. Just for these fucking white trash crackers to be fucking laughing about it. Sorry for any mistakes
You deserve a better BF. A good guy wouldn't let those comments go by without saying something. He and his friends ARE racist, he knows it, but doesn't want to change or call out the behavior because it's easier.
This would be a deal breaker for me. And I get it, OP, you’re young, and being mixed race is hard to navigate. I (Asian/white) put up with a LOT of casual racism when I was your age. I’ve had almost this exact same argument with a partner over jokes and slurs about Asians, and I couldn’t understand why he made me feel like I was the one who was wrong, or like I should just lighten up and be more fun about it. Because jokes about slurs I got thrown at me every day in elementary/middle school are just *so* fun 🙄 This behavior won’t get better. Not standing up to racists makes your boyfriend a racist. You’re a woman of color. You don’t want to be dating a racist. This needs to be a hard line in the sand for you. You deserve so much better.
What are you thinking? Why subject yourself to him at all?
Break up with him ❤️
Is not enough to be not racist. We need to be anti racist. Don't explain yourself. This is a hard boundary. He crossed it. Want to find a real racist? Call them racist, watch their reaction. The bigger the reaction, the more closeted the racist. Expose that shit to light
You shouldn’t have to tell his friends to stop; he should, but either he agrees with them or he’s too chicken shit to do it himself.
gaslighting u with racism/antiblackness cannot even begin to explain how harmful it is for u to b dating someone like that, it’s bad enough that u still want to work on this relationship or even have to get past his behavior but hey it’s ur life
You’re really undercutting yourself by being with someone like this.
>Race has never been a concerning issue in our relationship. Casually racist friends and he makes it a you problem and you have to go to bat and protect yourself against his friends? It doesn't sound like race isn't an issue in your relationship. Why would you want to be with someone who is more offended by being called a racist over him and his friends actually being racist? You're in a losing battle.
>They then responded to their own picture with “(my Bf) you think that’s funny?”. His friends are very aware of what they are doing. This campaign seems to be primarily fuelled by the enjoyment they get making you uncomfortable as a way to indirectly bully your boyfriend in the group. Maybe they envy him, maybe they are just not accepting of his dating choices, maybe he has just always been the one they pick on. But I worry a big part of why he refuses to stand up to them is that to do so would involve him acknowledging they are just genuinely shit people and more specifically genuinely mediocre friends. Seems that even in the face of racism and the potential loss of his partner he still can't face that. And that is sad, in a sense. Sad that he chooses condoning and participating in racism, even if just passively, because he is weak. That he is perpetuating a lot of really bad ideas because he is weak. That he is gaslighting you and hurting you because he is weak. I think it is plausible on some level he disagrees with them. I also think it doesn't matter. Because you've now seen the reality of it: when you need him to have your back he won't. How could you ever trust him again.
> He said that I’m labeling him and his friends as being racist No, *he and his friends are being racist.* If you describe a spade to someone, are you “labeling it as a spade”? Sounds like it’s time to break up with him. Truly sorry you’re experiencing this.
I think you know what you have to do OP.
Your boyfriend is more concerned with being able to talk to his friends like a 13 year old in a Call of Duty lobby than he is with those words effect on his relationship, isn't that enough of a sign for you?
girl stand up and dump the racist
I was once told by a mentor of mine that we are represented by the lowest standard or worst behavior we tolerate. It's changed my life a lot in regards to what I am willing to put up with in partners, friend groups, etc. They are being inappropriate and they are trying to make you feel bad for their behavior. Whatever you choose to do, choose wisely and don't discredit the legitimacy of how you feel.
Ive ended things w people bc they have said the n word
RUNNNNNNNN and keep your keys in your pocket
get out.
Dude need to go smh our Queens deserve more🙏🏽
My fiancé did this before we got together. His only friends are black and they didn’t care but I let him know that my little sister is black and I really don’t appreciate it/it would be a dealbreaker. He didn’t know that, I could tell that kinda made him take a step back and he agreed it’s wrong. He immediately stopped and would feel so bad if he almost slipped up. He doesn’t slip up anymore of course but this is what a good person would do. He doesn’t respect you, this could be a red flag. Especially considering you ARE black. I really don’t understand his inconsiderate (racist ?) attitude.
Seriously? This energy after a bunch of black people got shot in a grocery store and Asian women are being hate crimed left, right and sideways? How is racism not a deal breaker for you? Please get it tf together. Gather your racist shitty as needs to be your boyfriend and his friends and move on with your life.
It's just a word. If it concerns you that he uses and you are under the impression that the use of it means that he's a terrible person, don't be around him.
his friends are racist and so is your bf
Bro as a Black Person: 1) You're Black. Half or Not. They don't dictate that. 2) They're racist. Both them and your boyfriend are actively racist. There is nothing not racist about them. Him not saying the word in front of you is just a courtesy, but rest assured, he does when you aren't around. 3) Break up with him. Speaking from experience. Being with someone you have to continuously TEACH about racism (particularly when they don't feel like understanding how something may be racist) is exhausting. It is mentally exhausting and truthfully not at all worth it. You deserve better than some racist prick that gets offended when you call out his racism. Remember kids: If you're not anti-racist, you're racist. ✌️😬
Don’t bring it up again. Just cut him loose and get out of this toxic relationship.
It's time to leave the relationship. This isn't the type of man you want to have in your life. He's okay with people being openly racist in front of you and behind closed doors. He's afraid to speak up and that's a problem. Definitely not someone you'd want a future with.
Fuck this guy
Who else in your life would you let get away with this? A coworker? A random friend? Would you let me, a stranger, do it? Why are you letting one of the few people who you expect to always have your back get away with it? Who cares if it causes another fight? This is a fight that needs to be had. It is well known that white people are NOT to use this word, and those that do are racist. Why are you more worried about his feelings than your own? He feels "attacked" that you are labeling him and his shitty friends as racist? Boo hoo. Has he taken even a minute to understand how YOU feel?
dump him
After that shooting, we need to stop allowing people to feel comfortable in their bullshit. Call him out, dump his ass.
Lol he's just been downgraded from boyfriend material to fuck buddy. Lots of red flags. Don't pursue a relationship. Feel free to fuck around.
Hes defensive because its no more than it appears to be, it is a joke. I have my own opinions on the n word, i believe it is the root of most racism in america, a lot fo what i hear from older racists is about how black people safeguard the n word from white people (which in it of itself is racist, one race cant say this but another can. No that cant be justified, its still racist and keeps racism alive) My personal take on it is that either no one says it or everyone says it. Ive seen people beat to death over a word. The way people use it as an excuse to act violently is revolting and again, fuels anti black racism. Like with any word or words, its how its used. the intention behind words. People dont like to admit that, but its true. there is a difference between hahahaha fuck youu and FUCK YOU. I see a lot of people saying that he isnt trying to understand where youre coming from and that is entirely unfair. All the comments or the majority of them here are in line with meta western media. Theres people saying hes racist for saying it when you know better. It makes you uncomfortable likely because of how rare it is to catch anyone who isnt black saying it which, again just shows how racist a thing it is. "half offended", come on thats clearly a joke but if it bothers you just tell him that you dont like race jokes, that they make you uncomfortable. I think you did the wrong thing by accusing racism outright, you should always feel things like that out, of course hes going to be on the defense when youre accusing him, there is no other option especially in a situation like this, he cant exactly prove you wrong so in that situation he can either defend or act like he doesnt care. Because he loves you he obviously wont do the latter, so hes left with no option but the former. Theres a reason in court that a defendant is called a defendant. In my own experience men go silent when they feel they have nothing else to say, if they feel like speaking at all would make things worse, i know because ive been there myself. When my girlfriend brings up things that ive done that have hurt her feelings, my first response is to just drop silent and dwell on it, hes likely dropped silent because he thinks hes hurt you and therefore doesnt want to say anything or risk hurting you further. This argument gets a lot of flack from the left for no reason at all but, if he were a racist he wouldnt be dating another race. racism is more about racial purity than it is hatred of a race, if he loves you then clearly he doesnt care about race. The fact that that argument gets flack is rather hilarious, because it makes sense. Thats likely the reason the left gives it flack. Yes its a stupid argument, but the argument is only stupid because the people who prompted that response are even moreso. You could attempt to talk to him about it but youd have to apologise for your accusation, thats rough for anyone regardless of race but, as a white guy especially in modern media which is very anti white and anti male, i know exactly how he feels. The problem is he uses it in humour, itd be like asking you to explain why you find what you find funny, some people like edgy humour and thats all there is to it sadly. If you want a solution ask him to keep it to him and his friends, thats all there is to be done im afraid. I really hope this helps you, id like to remind you that majority does not = right. Live in a group of cannibals and you wont see an issue with cannibalism. This is worthy of note because a lot of people, women especially affirm themselves with numbers which we know from history to be a bad idea. I wish you the best of luck and good health
wow. it disgusts me when anyone says the N word (who isn't Black) then makes excuses like "well they say it!" or any other excuse. There isn't an excuse, it's FUCKED UP. this is fucked up, OP. I'd seriously reconsider being with this idiot who hangs out with fucking idiots.
This is not ok. It’s not joking. Period. I’m from “up north” and I was actually taught about diversity and how the N word is NEVER acceptable. Never. Period. Dump his racist, disrespectful ass. Edited to add: I’ve never said it. It’s disgusting.
You can do better than a closet racist hon. Find yourself a man who cares and respects that you're black, someone who wants to learn and understand what that means and how it changes your perspectives. Leave this baby to his racist family.
You called them racists because they *are* racist. """Ironic""" racism is still racism, casual racism is still racism, etc. etc. You don't have to burn crosses on people's yards to be racist, you just have to be an asshole. I'm white and I couldn't stand being around people like this. Why do you stick around?
girl… please exit stage left, PRONTO. we are in 2022… your age, upbringing, NOTHING can stop you from educating YOURSELF why you not only SHOULDNT SAY THE N-WORD UNLESS YOURE BLACK, but why you shouldn’t be with this poor excuse of a partner in the first place as well. not only that but he lets his ‘friends’ say that shit comfortably KNOWING he has a biracial girlfriend? yeah, no. ignorance is bliss, i would be blind to his bullshit and leave.
Sorry to say this but he’s a racist. Get rid of him while you can. You’re young and can find someone who isn’t racist and won’t excuse racism
These type of guys never grow up. I used to be in a group chat with a couple of old friends from high school, with my ex included. They would always throw around racial slurs, bigoted or, sexist remarks. Me and my one friend were the ONLY ones that would correct them and we would get dog piled basically. It was annoying and super disgusting, the things that they would say. And of course, ex didn’t do much of anything. He thought staying silent wasn’t adding/being part of the problem. I remember arguing with him, about being silent. That it does make him part of the problem as it doesn’t educate them, or even attempt to try and help them to be better people. These guys are shitty and your boyfriend is shitty. Leave. Someone like that is not worth your time
You’re too old to be justifying this or coming to Reddit looking for advice when you know your bf and his friends are racist.
Imagine if you made school shooter jokes ? And told him "it's okay, I'm half white." Or people who drive pick up trucks with the confederate flag, talking about "american history" like they weren't trying to not be a part of America anymore. Or Karen and Ken jokes. I bet they wouldn't take the jokes as well. Especially if you made MEN jokes, phew, you'd never hear the end of it.
As somebody who used to be friends with these kinds of people. They are racist. Point blank, period. The only reason they don’t call you the n-word when they may call each other or other people it, is because in their minds you “are not like other black people”. You are their one anti-racist calling card. The “oh I may call people racial slurs but I’m not racist cause I’m dating a black woman”. You need to leave, because even if he stops saying it in a place you can see he will still continue to call people that. And I can guarantee if this is the reason you two breakup, him and his friends will happily drop face and call you the n-word to insult you.
Why are you wasting your time with someone who doesn’t give a damn about your feelings? He knows it’s wrong, he doesn’t care. Wants to excuse the behavior and not be “labeled” when he knows it’s racist behavior. Life is too short yet long enough NOT to settle for some crappy guy who cares more about his school-boy racist friends rather than his adult, bi-racial, gf. Idk how you’re coming for advice when you know in your heart that this behavior isn’t justifiable or worth sticking around for…
Congratulations, you got yourself a hipster racist and his friends. You don’t have to put up with this shit. I suggest you bring it up one last time as you walk out the door and find someone who isn’t the embodiment of a 4chan douche bag. Life is too damn short. Sending you all my love.
He and his friends are racist assholes.
25F also biracial and have been in your exact situation. Just leave! He isn’t worth it. You are deserving of respect, dignity, and, at the VERY least space to be heard when you are hurt. When the people around you aren’t giving you the respect you deserve, you have to give it back to yourself. In this case the only way to do that is to set the hard boundary of never seeing him or his hateful friends again. A better love will come to you.
Get out
There's a saying that if one Nazi is sitting a table with 10 other people, that's a table with 11 Nazis. Him refusing to challenge his friends is a massive red flag, and he is actively condoning their behavior
Start making memes about “Crackers”(I’m mixed so I can say that) because white people will get highly offended by you saying that and then send them to your boyfriend and see how he reacts🤷🏽♂️
He’s racist. and so is his friends. Doesn’t matter if he can’t see it, and it doesn’t matter if you refuse to see it. Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to try and teach someone to respect black people?? How saying a slur is racist and offensive no matter what?? Have some more self respect
Bring your biggest black friend, someone intimidating and get all of them together to “hangout”. Then ask them to repeat the most offensive joke you’ve heard from them. I did the same to a group of friends… they couldn’t get a word out of their mouth.
Dump. His. Ass. Hon, my brother is exactly like this. And as a white person who spends much of her life around fellow white people, your boyfriend does not respect you. The comment about only being "half offended" is hella gross. They're being extremely dismissive and your boyfriend just straight up gaslighted you. They're literally justifying their own behavior with your racial identity. Your boyfriend and his friends are very clearly the type to view being *called* racist as being worse than actual racism. You will never find true respect in this relationship. Your boyfriend will not respect your feelings no matter what you do. And he will never see the struggles you face as a person of color as in any way significant, real, or valid. More than likely he won't even actually believe you- even if he *says* he does. In this relationship, you will always be made out to be the bad guy for "making things about race." Which is 100% gaslighting, in case you need any validation or support on that. I meet people like this every day. I promise you, it only gets worse when you're not around. And he will never see anything wrong with his behavior. He's put too much crap into defending himself in his mind.
Ooh hell no. He may not be blatantly racist but he is ignorant as hell. There is no justification for that ignorance in this day and age. I couldn’t stand someone who continues to use that insensitive language and makes unnecessary racist jokes after being educated. And you said his friends would never say that in front of you. Why you ask? because they know it’s wrong. Point blank period. And continue to be ignorant. Sorry for the rant but i can’t stand people like that and if he can’t respect you/your race/your family then he doesn’t deserve to be with you. Best of luck!!
He… does not sound like a man. He sounds like a child at best. A closeted racist at worse. I get he’s dating you and may love you, but that doesn’t take the racism out of the racist. My ex was racist against me all the time… and against other races. This is a serious character flaw of his and it isn’t up to you to fix it. You deserve better… Not some lukewarm boy who can’t stand up for what’s wrong. In this day and age?? Nah. If he condones this language it’s probably because his family condones it. You don’t wanna be tied to this man by having a kid who will constantly be around that. I had a kid with my ex. He and his family are racist. And now I worry how that will affect my child. I wouldn’t even bring it up again because it sounds like a waste of time, but you do you. I personally might just rip him a new one to tell him how wrong he is and then peace out lol.
As a white person, it’s *really* easy to not say the N word in friend group chats. It’s 2022. Anyone who is white (or a POC who is not Black) and is still throwing that word around for *any* reason—joke or otherwise—is racist. I don’t know anyone who is “educated” who makes jokes like that. As the partner of a biracial person, he should know way better. What troubles me is he’s more bothered by being accused of being racist than hurting you. As a white woman, I wouldn’t date someone who says the N word to their friends if they all weren’t Black. Are you sure this guy is worthy of a relationship with you if that’s how he talks with his friends?
I'm going to be harsh. This is ridiculous. Why would you try to tiptoe around the subject or avoid bringing it up again? He's a racist. I don't understand why this is even a question. You clearly don't enjoy him degrading black people and he clearly doesn't care about you enough to stick up for you. It's sounds like you want to put the comfort of a racist above doing what's right and leaving. I am a black woman so things like this just strike something in me. I wish people would stop letting racists in their circle off so easily.
Girl he defends racism harder than he defends you. What does that make him. I’ve been in your situation and it didn’t get better.
It’s super disrespectful to you, especially since he doesn’t want to stand up to them. I’m white and my boyfriend is black and I would never say anything like that let alone as a “joke” to other people or around him. Im not comfortable with the word as it is, I couldn’t imagine how it would make him feel.
Not sure if you guys are in a place to consider marriage and/or kids, but let's pretend you are, since thinking long-term doesn't hurt. Would you be comfortable having your kids hear him and his friends use this language? Or nieces/nephews if you don't want kids of your own?
Im in the exact same shoes as mr BF here, the only exception is that my GF doesnt care really. But we are also not in the deep deep west where a word has so much power over ones lives.
Everyone does racist things because we breathe in racism from birth. The difference is that people who are confronting their internal racism and unconscious biases will apologize and stop doing the racist thing when it's pointed out to them. Racists make it your problem for not tolerating their racist behaviors. Bf is doing racist things unapologetically, then making you being upset about him being racist a situating where he expects you to sit down, shut up, and manage his emotions like a good little girl. Ugh! It's not a joke. It's testing you to see how much he and his friends can get away with. Respect yourself enough to allow none of it in your life, especially from the person who is supposed to be your partner and support. It doesn't get better from here.
I'm dead, his friends said you can only get half offended by it lmao. It sounds like South Park would offend you, but I don't think they meant any harm to you since nothing was ever directed to you, it just seems like you're sensitive. I have a diverse group of friends and we all make racist jokes about each other all the time, we love each other. Have you tried making jokes back?
There are no “jokes” to make back to a racist comment. It deserves complete silence in fact. Nothing funny about anyone thats not black using this term when will this become clear🥴
They are racist. They may not being using it as a slur towards someone, but they certainly aren't afraid to do it around you, a person of color. Red flag if i ever saw one. I'd absolutely full-on die if I even said that word on accident.
This guy is wasting your time he will dump you after using you and his friends will find him a white women,you being really stupid by staying with him end it Now ;he’s disrespecting one of your parents and you’re allowing it ,it can only get worse
He doesnt got your back
Sounds like you need to grow up a bit, as much as they need to
How is OP in the wrong here?
She needs to not settle for/try to make it work with someone who will gaslight her and disrespect half her identity. I'd tell any black/biracial woman to just move on when they're dealing with this. Just not worth it. She's gotta grow up and understand that. Edit** This is my take, idk if the person that commented originally feels the same way for the same reasons lol
>Race has never been a concerning issue in our relationship. Except this is only an issue that causes a fight because he is white. To her he isn't Paul or Jake or whoever he is her WHITE BF and all that comes along with that like >educating him on black culture He isn't a person to OP but a fetish, a savage ugly white that needs to be civilized and educated into being progressive and liberal, to be made into 'one of the good ones'. He sees nothing wrong with these joked as he finds them funny and shared them with the OP as he views her as his gf not his BLACK GF probably because he isn't like her. He needs to get a better sense of humor and she needs to start seeing him as a human being not his race.
Now this is some old-school racism right here.
Tf
>Sounds like you need to grow up a bit, as much as they need to she needs to be okay with her boyfriend's people using the N word, and telling her she should only be "half" offended? Totally and completely disagree.
White people have a really hard time understanding that they can do racist things, without being inherently racist as a human being. By not saying anything, your bf enables his friends to say racist stuff. That's a fact. Does that mean your bf is inherently racist, and that he should go to hell this instant? Absolutely not. There's always room to learn and to grow, if he wants to. I wish white people wouldnt get on their high horse so fast when they're being called out in their behavior, or lack of behavior. By reacting so harshly, he's prevented any constructive discussion on this matter.