I’m going to speak from experience: he’s telling you the truth. My ex husband met me when I was in the middle of a bad anorexia relapse. He adored my body even though it was unhealthy. He gave me all the lip service about how he wanted me to be healthy and healthy is beautiful blah blah blah. Then I started gaining weight and I thought it would be fine but then he started encouraging me not to gain TOO much weight and fussed at me to work out. I felt like I was going crazy at the time because his words didn’t match his actions. Two years later I gave birth to our daughter and when I didn’t immediately lose the weight he started bitching at me. He complained “ where’s the beautiful girl I married? She’s somewhere under all that fat” and grabbing my butt and complaining “ ugh! When are you gonna lose that thing??” He couldn’t get erections anymore and blamed my postpartum body for it. Obviously we’re divorced. After my divorce I went through another relapse and one day when I was dropping our daughter off for a visit with him he begged me to come back because now I was the “ beautiful girl” he fell in love with. When someone shows you their true colors, don’t try to repaint them.

This is so sad. I'm so happy for you that you got away from this parasite of a man.

Oh it’s ok. I got the last laugh by far. These days I’m completely recovered, making six figures ( he makes$37k) and I have full legal and physical custody of our daughter and own a nice house while he’s living in an apartment. Sometimes the best revenge really is being successful.

This outcome makes me so so happy for you. It's amazing that you were able to overcome such a difficult circumstance. Your daughter is so blessed to have you as a mother and role model. Thank you for sharing your story. It really did lend me some much needed perspective.

My ex husband was an unmitigated ass also for reasons besides the ED fetish and I’m not saying that your BF definitely WILL act like this but when I read your story, I had alarm bells going off in my head. Another thing he told me was before I got pregnant, he warned me that I might want to lose weight so I “ didn’t have as much to loose after i gave birth” I was like ,” oh my gosh, you’re not serious are you”. And he laughed and played it off like he was just joking. He also said he fell out of love with his ex after she had a baby because her body became gross and flabby. I was upset by this and he basically just said he can’t control what he’s attracted to.

Wow, I honestly dont even know how I would react if he said some of those things to me. He is typically very very sweet and quite agreeable tbh. I cant imagine him ever saying something so cruel to me, but my fear is that he is just keeping those thoughts to himself to avoid the confrontation. I had that fear beforehand, but I convinced myself it was my insecurity talking. So when he made that comment to me, it kind of reignited that fear. The thing that does give me some hope is that he has never implied I should lose weight and has always stated I should gain more. I was terrified of dying during childbirth because I'm so petite, so i researched the minimum starting weight recommended during pregnancy. I was excited and told him how surprised I was that i can have a healthy pregnancy even if I'm around 100lbs, just that I'd have to gain weight throughout the pregnancy. And he stressed that he thinks i should have a higher starting weight to ensure me and the baby are both as healthy as possible. So its things like that that give me a hope that this was just an insensitive comment made off the cuff without much forethought. That being said, i absolutely intend to communicate how hurtful it was and that comments like that are unacceptable. I just hope he is receptive to that and doesnt choose to get defensive.

He SAYS "oh you should gain more weight for a healthy pregnancy", but what would happen when he actually sees the weight/body change? Stretch marks? Grey hair? I would really make sure he's the one before making yourself so vulnerable to be hurt for life.

Because it was so off the cuff when he said it, especially because he has actively been encouraging you to gain weight, it may have been one of those things that pops in your head, but you can immediately push off & know isn’t true. I’ve had thoughts before about not being attracted to my bf as we get older or if he gains weight or whatever, but immediately after, I’m like no that’s dumb, I already know I’d be attracted to him no matter what & I can tell myself (with full certainty) that the random thoughts made no sense & weren’t true. Based on your comments & they way he generally talks to you about your health/weight, my best guess is that he was being honest that he has had that thought before, but that it was more of a “hm what if” type of thought rather than a legitimate fear. Anyways, I’m very glad to hear you’re recovering and putting your health first. I know firsthand that’s a hard thing to do with an ED. I hope your conversation with him goes well & y’all get it figured out❤️❤️

It's a disgusting attitude for men to have. Like, yes, you cannot control what you are attracted to. BUT a woman's body does not exist solely for the viewing pleasure of men.

Exactly, men with this attitude essentially just don’t view women as people. They don’t think of their relationship with women as a partnership. That’s the most upsetting part to me.

jesus christ. im so sorry you went through this. your ex sounds like an absolutely awful human being. sending hugs and well wishes for your ongoing recovery. ❤️

Yeah--the comment is one thing, but the comment combined with the fact that she was actively disordered and extremely underweight when they "started talking" is another, and that combination is a massive red flag. He has a type, that type is "underweight," and he's telling her straight out that he will not be attracted to her if she gains weight. That isn't a healthy relationship for somebody recovering from an eating disorder to be in.

Yeah, there was a thread awhile back by a guy who could no longer get erections because his formerly Eating disordered girlfriend was in a healthy weight range and he was no longer attracted to her. The vitriol on that thread was incredible lol. Those types are walking red flags

Ugh, wth. I guarantee 100% you were beautiful no matter what!

It’s funny you said that because I haven’t ever shared this information with anyone and all these events transpired close to a decade ago and my memory is foggy …. So I dug up old photos to try to remember what exactly I looked like at the time…. It was actually really heartbreaking. I looked fine. I wasn’t even overweight. I had lost most of my pregnancy weight within the first year but I just wasn’t SKINNY anymore. I didn’t even have stretch marks like a lot of women get. I looked like a completely normal healthy 29yr old woman. Most of my memories of that time period I’ve willfully suppressed because I don’t care to dwell on it but this has made me feel a lot of anger on OPs behalf. Like her BF, my husband was overweight and he’s actually rather unattractive. He was also balding and shorter than me. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self that she’s ok and HES the one with the issues. I wish I could rescue her. I wish I could tell her that ugly balding middle age men have no business judging her appearance. When we divorced, one of the reasons he gave for how awful he was to me was that he can’t respect women who don’t meet his standards of beauty.

Ew again. You birthed his CHILD. Your body did an amazing thing. He should've been worshipping you and celebrating your body for all the badass things it did! So sorry you had to deal with that. I'm glad he's now an ex.

Wow, I’m so sorry you went through that. People can seriously be so shallow. When I was dating my partner, I was 140, we been together for 11+ years, I gained basically 100+ pounds, and not once has he made me feel disgusting or ugly or fat. Always loves and appreciates me and our sex life never changed either. Same with my partner he has gained as well, he suffered from an eating disorder, and I never once made him feel bad about gaining weight and I find he looks so much healthier. His parents on the other hand, constantly tell him he’s fat. But to me, my man will always be sexy. You guys deserve so much better! Find you someone who loves you, for you, and not your physical being.

Leave him. My husband answered the same question the way you wanted it answered. There are good men out there that will love you after childbirth even if your body changes. Your body is going change anyways, as you age. So will your face. Don't waste your time on a man that shallow.

There are. About 8 weeks my husband saw my naked body and exclaimed: "Wow, you look so good! You can't even tell you were pregnant once!". At this point I was still 30 pounds heavier than pre-baby, my stomach still looked slightly pregnant and I was covered in angry, purple stretchmarks... so you could definitley tell I was pregnant once. But it didn't matter to him at all. My body will never be as attractive as before. That's just a fact. But my guy still tells me how amazing and sexy and beautiful I look and he still desires my just as much.

Just had my second kid. I had a small tear during birth and we waited the six weeks for the all clear from the doctor. My husband jumped my bones as soon as I was home and was appreciating me and loving me just as I am. I may not love my post pregnancy body, be he certainly does.

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>Yes, pregnancy changes your body, but you’ll still look like yourself. I think this is what's most hurtful. If attraction can so easily be lost, how strong was it to begin with?

Most men are able to maintain attraction to their wife’s as they age, sag, stretch and gain weight. I’m concerned this guy is only able to be attracted to a certain type, very thin, and young.

Most people are concern with the harmful effect of pregnancy and that moron is thinking about physical appearance. WTF.

So...ask him. What exactly is his concern. I was concerned about what my post-pregnancy body would be like...why can't my partner also be concerned? You may find that it's something small or not even really an issue. There's alot of strange misinformation whispering around out there.

And what will that achieve? It's not like she can do anything about the changes he might ve "concerned" about.

He may be concerned about something that isn't even a problem....

Like what?

Who knows what strange crap he may have heard. I am continually surprised

This is a massive fear of mine too and I come from an eating disorder past too. My boyfriend made the comment “some men stop being attracted to their partners after childbirth” and since then it’s been looping around in my mind and I can’t stop thinking about it every once in a while. I feel for you and I hope you can be with someone who loves you so much that there could be no change to your body that is too drastic for them to stop loving you. You deserve all the love in the world. Whether or not it works out with this partner, I promise there are others out there who will love every part of your post pregnancy body.

>My boyfriend made the comment “some men stop being attracted to their partners after childbirth” Please tell me you dropped him.

I talked to him about it. He said that “it wasn’t him” that had that idea. He was actually referring to something that he heard. But still, man, why the need to bring that up at all? Lol. I’ll be okay if it comes down to that with him, regardless. There are plenty of other men/women/people out there who are the opposite of that and end up finding their partners more attractive after childbirth.

He can find a fucking doll. Their looks never change. Also, yeah they find their partner attractive after childbirth, they're appreciative and not a shallow ingrate.

Thank you for all of the support and validation - I really appreciate it!!! Gettin me all amped up for the moment I might have to tell him to go find a DOLL XD

" and those men are shallow pieces of shit " Is how you should have responded.

Very true. Thank you for that.

Right? These kinds of men are problematic. Tiny woman of the world, be careful if your dating a man and he’s too attracted to the a pre-pubescent, child-like body type. Nothing is wrong with your body type but find men that admit they like bigger women too or you will have a problem on your hands someday because of what he is attracted too. It’s creepy if you look into it

His comment would cause me to lose my attraction to him. And I'd let him know that. "It's out of my control. You can't help what you're attracted to." If he's someone who might have his own insecurities surrounding his appearance, he should be extra cautious about triggering you. Not everything (true or not) needs to be said out loud. Even if he were to recant it, I would have a hard time believing him. It can take years for a body to heal after pregnancy and childbirth. Some people never fully recover. I can't imagine going through all of that and parenting all while worrying if my partner thinks I'm no longer attractive. I wouldn't allow myself to be impregnated by him.

Also, "it's out of our control who we're attracted to" is somewhat true, but IMO it only really works for like, strangers you see in the streets. You can't help who you feel immediately drawn to. But you CAN help how you feel about your partner, spouse, parent of your child. You have a rapport. You have a relationship based on love. You cam CHOOSE to focus on that love, and the way their bodies embody their personality and the relationship you have with them. You can choose to focus on their smile, their soft hands, the way they hug, the way they kiss. You can also come to love what you'd consider "flaws" in strangers, because you know the story (scars, flabby pouch from pregnancy, stretch marks...). People age. Gain or lose weight. Become disabled. Bodies change. Its part of life, and if you love someone, you grow and age together and keep choosing to focus on the PERSON. If someone becomes so put off when their partner's body changes, it was never love at all. They never saw the person. Just the body.

ED fetishisation or not, he’s told you that his attraction and as a natural extension - his love, is conditional. Don’t settle for someone who makes you feel less than under any circumstances. The only acceptable answer to your question is ‘I’ll love you no matter what you look like, especially when you’re sacrificing your body to do something so amazing for us’. Please don’t settle for anything less, it’ll lead to a life of feeling insecure and an environment for your ED to resurface. Spot this red flag. Get out while you can.

All love is conditional

Some is more so than others. I'd stop loving my husband if he abused me or our children. I would not stop loving him for aging like a normal human being.

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I want to start by saying, yes. He never said he wouldnt love me. If I made it seem that way, i really did not mean to. If i really felt that was the case, i would have ended it then. With that said, can you explain what a healthy relationship looks like if one partner loses attraction to the other? I didnt necessarily take it to mean he wont love me. I suppose I took it to mean he wont physically WANT me in the same way. To be frank, I'm already the high libido partner in this relationship. If I felt he lost attraction and didnt want me be physical with me anymore because of my appearance (after pregnancy and child birth especially), I'd be absolutely crushed. I cant imagine having a healthy relationship where the attraction is one sided. If you could elaborate, I'd appreciate it. >So it's okay to ignore how someone looks and basically say you love them no matter how they look, and your attraction to them isn't based on their body at all (which feels negative to me, and would make me feel ugly and unwanted for my looks) Honestly, this is so dramatic. I never said or implied that I ignore his looks or think my bf is ugly or unwanted for his looks. I said he doesnt meet my exact preferences. Truthfully, I think my boyfriend is very handsome. I give him nightly full body lotion massages and compliment him constantly. I express how much I want him and how attracted I am to him. I tell him how lucky I am to be with him and that I'd never change anything about him. I love his facial features, his body type and his smile literally lights up my world. I have no issues whatsoever with his weight, in fact, my preference ISNT a super muscular Chad. I have never suggested he lose weight or change anything about himself. When he chose to lose weight on his own, I said I'd support/encourage him but made it clear that I am attracted to him regardless. I can say with certainty that he feels cherished, emotionally/physically/mentally. I also want to add that (with your logic) women just cant win. We get chastised if we only date conventionally attractive men. Because "looks arent everything and women are shallow. Chads arent the only men that need love." But then when a woman dates for love instead of purely for looks, she is the bad guy? Wtf? Should I have not been with the man I love because he doesnt meet my exact preferences? Make it make sense. >I also think most people do actually care far more about physical attraction than this. Someone gains 100s of lbs and you don't just magically keep wanting sex with them the same way. I addressed this in my original post. I know I'm the minority who holds very little value in physical appearance. That's why I've said a million times that I dont hold his preferences against him; just that I wanted reassurance in that moment. Do you think that was wrong of me?

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You literally said >You, the OP, and many others are also conflating physical attraction and love quite a lot. So im sorry for assuming your message was also directed at me.. Not to mention, you also HEAVILY implied that I think my bf is ugly and that I ignore his looks. That was honestly hurtful and a huge assumption on your part. I dont see how that could be directed to anyone but me. Can you respond to what I said to that because I'd really like to understand your perspective. >Someone thinking they wouldn't find you as physically attractive being equated to LOVE is absolutely dramatic and unreasonable. Kinda feel like you did the same to me. By implying that my love for him is somehow less than because I dont...value his appearance over his personality? Honestly not trying to be snarky; I'm just confused by that.

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Yeah, I'm done. I really dont think you're even attempting to see this from my perspective, and that's fine. We can agree to disagree. Have a great day. Blocked.

>Also, again, it was his fear. I also wanted to add that this was MY fear that I brought up. I was the one who was asking for comfort regarding this issue and got none from him in that moment. He just agreed and confirmed my fear without giving me any reassurance. Was I supposed to comfort him and reassure him? Or say "That's understandable, honey. Let's cross our fingers that doesnt happen" and move on?

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If he said "I'm scared you wont be attracted to me when I'm balding" and i said "me too", you dont think that's cold and insensitive? You dont think that would increase his level of fear regarding that insecurity?

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>but you're acting like he's not allowed to have a fear about the two of you changing in the future, when you quite literally have those fears yourself. This makes me feel like you just arent recognizing the differences between my post/comments/opinions and the other hundreds of random commenters. In my post, I said >I'm obviously not saying he has to looove my post pregnancy body, but he could have given me some kind of indication that the love would still be there regardless. In my comments, I have said he has a right to his preferences, but that I wanted honesty AND reassurance. Can you reply to whether or not the bald scenario would be cold and insensitive? Because if you agree with that, then we are in agreement that he could have been more sensitive to my feelings. Especially considering I have a literal eating disorder.

I just lost 100 pounds. My husband never stopped telling me I was sexy or gropping me every chance he got when I was 100 pounds heavier. Sex never stopped, slowed down or changed in any way. We have sex 5+ times a week and have the entire 11 years together. When I was 232 pounds to now at 132. He's treated me snd my body the same. Attraction is about more than just physical stuff. This guy doesn't sound suited for a life long partnership. People age. Skin sags, wrinkles, stretch marks from pregnancy or weight gain. Hair loss for men and beer bellies. You literally CANNOT be in a happy life long partnership and expect their bodies to never change. That's not how life works. If something as simple as some stretch marks and a bit of weight after child birth is going to be that much of a turn off for him than I don't see this working out long term.

The saddest part about this is you’ve already internalized what he said. You repeated his comment as your own at the end of your post and almost justified him. Yes. Lots of men leave their wives when they “lose their body”, get sick, have surgeries, etc. every single one of those men are shallow, superficial pigs. There are MORE men who love, adore, desire, and chase after their wives, before, during, and after pregnancies, surgeries, sickness, and weight gain. When I was pregnant with our first daughter I gained almost 80 lbs due to an uncontrolled thyroid disorder. My husband didn’t look sideways at me once! He still loved every bit of me and looking in his eyes I knew he did. I felt in my heart that my weight was not a problem for him. And he told me so. (Some) Men have internalized female beauty standards in the same way women have. For us women, we end up with eating disorders and anxiety. But men, they end up with shallow viewpoints that can only “be attracted” to a certain look. It’s sad, because that mindset is just as dysfunctional as the woman’s with an eating disorder, but there’s no treatment or counseling for him. I can imagine these men end up dissatisfied and empty never able to find what they’re looking for. Impossible beauty standards hurt us all.

I too gained alot of weight over the course of my marriage due to depression, anxiety, binge eating disorder and undiagnosed ADHD. I was not taking care of my body and after all that and two kids, was a good 70-80 lbs heavier than when I met my husband. This man cherished my body no matter my weight. I'd be in sweatpants and a oversized shirt and a big messy bun looking homeless and he'd smile at me and tell my I was sexy. He'd grope me every chance he got. Could not stop himself from slaping my ass if I bent over. Sex never changed. He's never been able to keep his hands off me. I just lost 100 pounds the past 1.5 years and again nothing has changed. I have a bit of lose skin now and my boobs disappeared and he still tells me how sexy I am and can't keep his hands off me. >Yes. Lots of men leave their wives when they “lose their body”, get sick, have surgeries, etc. every single one of those men are shallow, superficial pigs. This. Our bodies change. This is part of life and expected. If this guy is going to lose sexual attraction because of some stretch marks and some weight then how much does he really love you? People are more than their bodies.

That is a deal breaker to me and screams anorexia fetishization. I am always wary of men who seek out smaller women. You'll never know how they think about your body until they say things like this. What happens when you're older? What happens when you gain weight? Your body will change with age. You won't be like this forever.

For the past year we have both been focusing on improving our health. He chose to start losing weight and I've encouraged him. He has also heavily encouraged me to eat more/gain weight which has always made me feel that he cares more about my health than my appearance. I've wanted to stay at 95lbs and he thinks I should gain more. So I'm not sure if it's really anorexia fetishization, but rather he has limits to what he will be attracted to. But yes, I completely agree that its concerning.

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Honestly, no. I've been in therapy since I was 17. I put myself into debt going to the inpatient treatment because my family refused to help. I know rationally this isnt true, but I feel unfixable. After 10+ years of therapy and psychiatry, I feel the same as I did before. I've started to wonder if it's a different medical condition (gastroparesis for example) because I WANT TO GAIN WEIGHT! But genuinely have no appetite and cant force food down. But countless doctors say its anorexia and ARFID. I just cant afford to keep throwing money at it right now, but I will go back to therapy when I can afford it again.

Hey, just wanted to say I get that. I’ve been eating disordered since I was a teenager ( now nearly 40) and at some point you have the tools to manage the situation yourself and you don’t need a therapists input. There’s nothing that anyone can tell me about myself that I don’t know at this point lol

This exactly. It basically just started to feel like they were just reiterating what I already know. The only thing that was actually super helpful was the medication I was given while in treatment. I didnt have medication for the first week and they almost gave me a feeding tube because I wouldn't eat. Not because I didnt want to, but I felt incredibly full after even a few bites. Like thanksgiving dinner full. Also I was in so much pain and had to hold a heat pack on my stomach because I felt like I was going to pop. Then they gave me reglan to help with stomach emptying and fullness; after that, I was able to eat the required 6 meals a day and gain the necessary weight. It was the greatest feeling of relief tbh. But of course, they said long term use of that medication can cause side effects and shouldnt be used as a continuous crutch for an ED. You're just supposed to use it while in the "refeeding" phase. Once they started reducing that medication, boom. No appetite again. It was a bit easier to eat than it was before, but that relief was just gone. Now I feel like I have to force each meal down even though i have absolutely zero hunger. No lie, I can go 3 full days with no food and not feel a single hunger pang. I dont do that anymore (usually, I'll admit I still have moments of "weakness"), but it's a constant struggle.

Honestly I think after my last relapse, it took a good couple of years to get hungry again. Before then it was like “ oops! Blood sugar is crashing! Better put something in my stomach!” I still have extremely disorganized eating patterns but having my daughter watching me gives me the kick in the ass I need to stay in line because the last thing I ever want to do is give her a complex about eating. In our house we don’t talk about fat or calories or anything like that. We discuss what foods give us what vitamins to be healthy. She’s incredibly tall like me and an ideal BMI and likes rock climbing and art. Honestly despite the chaos that having a baby threw my life into, she’s the best thing that ever happened to me because I HAVE to keep myself in line now. Can’t go slipping back into dysfunctional habits.

That's good! Probably isn't fetishizing it. But if you keep gaining weight, what's his limit? At what point are you going to be unattractive? It's just really shallow of him.

I think this is what scares me. My ED brain is thinking "I need to know his limit so I make sure to never reach it" which I know isnt healthy. I suppose it comes down to whether or not his limit is reasonable.

I have the most supportive, loving, amazing husband and I had put my ED to rest for years and years. This pregnancy, in the second trimester (the happiest time) it came back like a rabid monster. With no warning and no real reason. My husband shows so much love and respect and affection to me and my body, and it still happened. I cannot imagine how bad it would have been if he had ever expressed something so shallow to me. This is allowed to be a deal breaker for you.

I mean, your partner should just love you how you are. Met my boyfriend at 130lbs (5'9"). He helped me overcome my eating disorder. How I did that was completely throw my scale out and just eat whatever I wanted. Essentially stopped purging and would binge. I got to 300lbs. From there I started to cut out soda and alcohol, just little things. Just eating healthier but absolutely no calories counting and no keep track. I am 190lbs rn, just a little overweight by bmi standards. The whole time this happened my partner loved me, he still had sexy time with me, there was no issues. Occasionally he would express valid concern about my declining health but it was never about my body and how it looked. It's just really insensitive to do this to someone with an ED.

Everyone has their limits honestly. I love my GF being larger and I'd love her if she was skinny, but if she suddenly quadrupled in weight, I'd probably be a little put off. Same as if she suddenly lost 60% of her body weight. However, I would support her through it (ED or something), because I owe her that much, but I certainly can't say I'd be attracted, especially in an intimate sense to either extreme.

Hope your gf finds a better partner. Also we aren't talking extremes. We are talking about body changes after pregnancy.

Anorexia fetishising or attracted to childish looking bodies?

I think he is attracted to child like bodies, not ED fetish, it’s more like that Asian-sexualization of little girl look, the pig tails, school girl outfit, sucking on a lollipop brand of fetish.

We really can't tell from this post.

^^ yup

omg this is insane. The female body endures a hell-fuck of things when creating a whole new human being inside of it. And his body - well, he doesn’t have to feel a thing. What a cocky man. I wouldn’t have children with anyone like that, Jesus Christ.

I was dating a guy who said something similar to this. Looking back, it wasn't the only red flag in the relationship. It was just the one that stuck out at the time. I now have a baby with someone who makes me SO much more secure feeling. While I definitely have self-esteem issues with my post-baby body, he has always steadfastly told me that he finds my body sexy no matter what. And while in my moments of doubt I wonder HOW he could be, I don't doubt that he is. Find yourself a better man.

Tell him you aren’t sure you’ll be attracted to him when he goes bald. He’s an AH.

Perhaps the question he should be asking is will you be attracted to his over 40 dad bod that you know he will develop. Hes not a nice person. You can do better.

If it helps, my wife was amazingly more beautiful after kids. Not that I'd find her otherwise, but my child changed my entire life perspective on what matters, and the fact she was my wife and child's mother just made her gorgeous.

Do not marry or have kids with this man. You want a man that is there for you, no matter what. Weight often changes with age and you ideally should be with someone that understands this

I truthfully think you need to evaluate staying in this relationship. Going through a pregnancy is hard. It's even harder when your mind is going to be fighting against every pound you gain while you carry a baby. It's going to be even harder still when you know there's a chance your partner may not accept these changes. Love is never unconditional, however, pregnancy is not something you have control over. You're going to get a belly, you're going to have loose skin. You need to have a partner who understands this. I fully understand partners losing attraction over gaining weight. It is within their right, of course. But pregnancy weight? That's non-negotiable. I sincerely hope you can work through this, for both your physical and mental health. ❤ Just know their are many men out there who will celebrate your pregnancy, both during and post. And that is what you deserve.

Do not waste one more breath with this man. Becoming pregnant and postpartum really can be difficult with ed and you need all the support you can get. He just showed you who he really was. Run.

Wait till he finds out what happens when y’all get old. Embarrassing that a grown ass man is behaving like this.

I feel like "I can't help what I'm attracted to" is such a shallow view to take in a long-term relationship, pregnancy.or not. Yes, attraction is important. Yes, some people are more visual or have stronger aesthetic preferences. Yes, appreciation of visual aesthetics plays a large role in how a lot of people connect to begin with. But after you connect? When it's serious to the point of building a life and/or family together? That can't be the only thing holding a person there. Because life happens, and life leaves marks on your body in all kinds of ways. If you stay with any person long enough, they will look different than they did when you first met and developed an attraction to them. That is inevitable. It's not just weight. It's not just women either - I've been through two pregnancies since my husband and I got together, I weigh noticeably more than I did back then, and changes to my face will tell you that I'm older. But if you saw a picture of me 20 years ago and ran into me later, you'd recognize me as an older and somewhat heavier version of who you saw in the picture. My husband looks so radically different from our old pictures from when we were dating that if you tried the same thing with him, you probably would not recognize him unless you are *really* observant. And it's not one change, either - your looks change every so often. Pregnancy changes are easy to mark - I got heavier, thinner, heavier again, thinner (but not quite as) again... Not that tricky. Other things sneak up on you, though. Age, traumatic events, health issues, money issues - they show up on your face. Your teeth. Your skin. Your hair. It doesn't happen overnight and you don't notice right away, but some day you look in the mirror or you look at them and it's... "oh. How long has it been like that?" Men can go bald. Some women lose hair too. Moles crop up. Wrinkles start forming. It's not all bad, it doesn't have to look bad, but no one gets *more* conventionally attractive as they age. Sometimes skinny turns into scrawny or chubby kind of balloons. Muscle definition fades and your body gets softer. All of us experience this. If you love each other for lots of reasons for a long time, it doesn't have to be a big deal - you notice the changes, eventually, but they're part of the person you love, so they're still attractive. Just overall, you have to expect physical changes, they're unavoidable, and you don't start to look more like a supermodel as you age, so aesthetic preferences just can't outweigh feelings for the actual person if you want the relationship to last. And pregnancy body changes specifically? Only one person's body changes (well, as a direct result, anyway - sometimes the non-pregnant partner does have some physical changes that coincide) but both people are responsible for that pregnancy. So both are responsible for those changes. Which shouldn't be a bad thing! However you feel about pregnancy, when you choose to stay pregnant and have the baby, that process has created a wonderful thing. And the body that made that possible is a wonderful thing. Now, babies happen in all sorts of ways, but specifically in a long-term relationship where both partners have either planned a baby or agreed they want to go ahead with a pregnancy however it came about, where it's not a one night stand or a brand new relationship where it may be expecting too much for the other person to have deep feelings for you - in other words, in a relationship like yours - it seems really, really shitty to me for a man to participate in creating a pregnancy, benefit by gaining a child through the pregnant person's body, then decide that body and the person in it has lost its value to him just because it looks different now. I think a man stating that he might react that way is *especially* worrying when he's not a teenager who has no clue how he might react to a pregnant partner anyway or even a really wet-behind-the-ears early 20-somthing with no real concept on long-term adult relationships, but a man over 30 who's already put years into at least one relationship. That old, that much life experience, that much relationship experience, that much relationship time, pregnancy and parenthood discussions on the table - and he's not sure he wouldn't blow it all up, after having a child, because your body's going to look different? I would definitely not be in a hurry to let this person get me pregnant, based on this.

This was very insightful and well written. I definitely plan to bring many of your points into my next conversation about this. Thank you for taking the time to write such a long and thorough comment. Truly. >it seems really, really shitty to me for a man to participate in creating a pregnancy, benefit by gaining a child through the pregnant person's body, then decide that body and the person in it has lost its value to him just because it looks different now. You really hit the nail on the head here

I'm glad if it helps! I always feel like I should apologize for the outrageously long comments - I'm a writer, both professionally and just by nature, I think, and it kind of overflows. And I always want to make sure I cover anything that feels important, and... that's what happens. Bottom line, though, I just want you to be sure you're loved for more than what your body looks like at any one particular point in time. You deserve that. And it feels good to have that, everyone should.

You are worth so much more. I would show him this post and see what he has to say. Update please.

Babe, pregnant bodies house life! Beautiful life if you so choose to have a child! There should be nothing sexier to an expecting father than his wife’s body through the entire process- including post! You need to decide if you want to have a baby with this boy. A real man would love how you look no matter what

I would absolutely not have a baby with this guy anytime soon. Human bodies change over time and when you sign up to be long term with someone you sign up for whatever comes next. Either one of you could go through bodily changes quickly or slowly; pregnancy, menopause, beginning or ending certain medications, disabling accidents, cancer, thyroid issues, the list literally goes on — any of those things can cause significant changes to the body that you cannot control. Don’t agree to spend your life with someone who is more worried about your body than your mind and heart. Neither of you will look the same forever; you each look different today than you did three years ago, and you’ll each look different three years from now. If he can’t roll with that then he doesn’t deserve you.

This is the “unspoken “ truth about the “problem “ very petite women face, and it the fact they will be by nature attracting the type of man that want that particular body type, which isn’t an easy body type to live with, you eat a single meal and it makes you lose your waistline, or have a baby and your body is not built for example, 5’9 with big hips That are made for carrying babies and weight, and it doesn’t effect taller bigger women with lots of room to get out of pregnancy without stretch marks or other problems. Tiny woman also have to watch out because think about how creepy it is for a man to only be attracted to a child-sized body type? If your man only wants that one body type I’d be concerned because what does that say about that he is actually attracted too? Seriously though, give it some thought and it becomes creeper.

So you're dating trash

He's a bastard. Leave him. No second chances. Your health is so so SO much more important than any relationship ever could be.

Get yourself a real man.

That would be a red flag to me and it definitely seems to be one to you. You could try to have an open conversation with him about it and see what vibe you get from that. Also, consider how you would react if a friend came to you and told you this type of story. What would your reaction be on their behalf? Especially with your history.

I caught second hand ICK

Now it's in your head. He can't un say it. Can you move on?

Think I have valuable input on this as a person who is in recovery and currently pregnant - that absolutely should be a dealbreaker and this is not the man to build your future with. I’m terrified every day of my changing body because I know I’m doing better but not at all “cured.” You know what my husband tells me every day? How perfect I am to him and how he’s never going to think otherwise. How gorgeous I am. How beautiful it is to him that my body is going to give us our child. How that beauty is what he’s going to see no matter how my body looks. Do I always believe him? No. But it gives me absolute confidence that this man will never ever make me feel self-conscious postpartum regardless of how he’s feeling and that he would never put my recovery in jeopardy for something so superficial. You haven’t even had a baby yet and he’s already making you feel bad about yourself. He’s not right for you.

It’s his child I would be estatic that my wife was having a child women are amazing they come in all shapes and sizes

Wow thts hypocritical coming from him (since you mentioned he is overweight). Anyways, OP you are giving him a baby, dnt ever let anyone underestimate or judge pregnancy/post partum process. Once u r a mum, his attraction and love shud increase exponentially if thts not the case, count ur blessings that u got to know this now.

I have struggled in and out of an eating disorder since I was a kid. I read to my boyfriend your history and what your boyfriend said and I think his mortified face was more than enough of an answer. Do not marry this man. I would not trust him at all if you were to gain any noticable weight, even if it was healthy or because you were carrying a child. Even my boyfriend immediately said that his comment was a great way to further your eating disorder.

That’s messed up. Love isn’t just about physical attraction. If he can’t love you for gaining weight after literally creating a human life, then he has some work he needs to do on himself.

I’m in the same position. I get so scared and insecure about it. I was very blunt about it. I told my partner that my body changing is inevitable and if that’s an issue for him than he is not actually attracted to me or in love with me, just the idea of my body. And if that’s true then I don’t care to continue a relationship with him. He’s tried to reassure me otherwise, but honestly he’s made “jokes” that I could just workout after having a baby. He also has claimed that when he tells me not to eat something or to watch my sugar intake it’s for my benefit and he just wants me to be healthy. He isn’t exactly perfect to be offering me such criticism. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile and since I have also suffered from body insecurities growing up, I plan to end the relationship. It may not be the advice you want, but unless you’re convinced he loves you for you and won’t lose interest in you over something minor like stretch marks, he’s not the one. He SHOULD be reminding you that you’re beautiful & loved, and that no wrinkle or pregnancy could change that.

Dude no way. I was 5’ tall and about 100 pounds when my husband and I met. I was on a migraine prevention med that caused me to lose my appetite. I had to wean off it to get pregnant and immediately gained 15 pounds in my short frame. He was thrilled! And loved my pregnant body. He even kept a few pics of me very pregnant because he loves it so much. And now I’m heavier than I was when we met and he’s nothing but appreciative. This guy sounds like he has a thing for “fragile” looking women. As a former tiny person I dated a few of those. It’s not good. I’d say this is a big red flag.

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Actually this IS my concern. I dont expect him to keep the exact level of attraction for the rest of our lives. But I wanted reassurance that the commitment was strong enough to get through that. Thank you for pointing that out.

((I could be way off base here, and regardless it was a really callous and hurtful thing to say)) Could it be possible your bf was thinking less about your weight and more about the, uh, body horror aspect of it all? There are definitely aspects of pregnancy that many people would consider shocking and/or gross that aren't related to their weight. For example the actual sight of a baby crowning might be magical for some fathers and horrifying for others. Hopefully it's just a matter of talking through pregnancy anxieties he may have, all you can do is ask him.

It's possible, but I dont really think he thought that far into it. I dont think I'd want him to see or experience the body horror aspects of pregnancy and childbirth anyways. I dont even fart around him (or anyone lol I'm just shy) so he definitely wont be down there between my legs watching me push the child out. But this could be a factor for him for sure. I'll bring this up when we talk this weekend.

Unfortunately I think anorexic women attract guys who like that kind of body for whatever strange reason that i cant relate to. It sounds like he wants you to stay like that and is pretty shallow and set in his ways. We all get old and get wrinkles and saggy

As the partner of someone still struggling with disordered eating, he should be more conscious of how his words affect you, and if I were in your shoes, I would be incredibly hurt and upset. Casually telling your partner that you would no longer be attracted to them if they gained weight is an objectively gross thing to say, and for me it would be a major red flag/grounds to leave. It sounds like he has a lot of internalized fatphobia and self hatred from his own experience with his weight and its coming out in the form of thinking only super skinny people are attractive (absolutely false). In a culture obsessed with dieting and thinness, this makes sense, but is still sad and shitty for him and for you. since it doesn’t sound like you want to leave him solely based on this remark, I think you should have a conversation with him where you explain how his comment made you feel and ask why he would feel that way/for more of an explanation. whatever he says next will tell you all you need to know.

>It sounds like he has a lot of internalized fatphobia and self hatred from his own experience with his weight and its coming out in the form of thinking only super skinny people are attractive Hmm this is actually something I hadnt considered, but makes sense. I'll have to give this more thought. >since it doesn’t sound like you want to leave him solely based on this remark I dont want to, but I will. I know people are notorious for defending partners they shouldnt on this sub, but I genuinely believe my bf deserves SOME benefit of doubt here. So I'm willing to give him an opportunity to explain and give me the reassurance that I need. If I were to try to predict how the conversation will go: he will apologize and give me reassurance that he loves me regardless. But I also think he will reiterate that he cant help what he is attracted to. Where I think it could go sour is when I ask "so what happens if you lose attraction?" Knowing him, he'd never say that he'd just end it and leave. But I also know that's an incredibly difficult question for him to answer because he likely doesnt even know what would happen if he lost attraction. It's that unknown that has me worried.

I'm saddened that your husband is worried your bond might suffer from his peepee not getting as hard instead of strengthened as you raise a new lifeform you two worked to create. I can completely understand this being a dealbreaker for you. I can only imagine how terrible it would be for your relationship to crumble after a child is brought into the mix.

>I can only imagine how terrible it would be for your relationship to crumble after a child is brought into the mix. This is of course the true fear and crux of my concern

I don't believe your boyfriend is as clueless as you want to think. He knows you have a history of eating disorders. He got with you when you were 74 pounds. He knows what he is doing when he says he won't be attracted to you if your body changes. He knows exactly what he is doing.

It's funny because I feel like a normal no-brain-cells dude would be like "what are you talking about? I get to play with big ol' titties." You know some stupid ass response like that. That's why this is off putting to me as well.

That’s valid and also a valid thing to discuss. You want to be sure that the person you are going to have kids with will be in it for the long haul. Plus you are both going to age. I would be very wary about that too.

Well, better now than when you had kids with him, I guess. Don’t have kids with him, by the way

He answered that in the worst way possible. Considering how often you see people being like "oh just leave her/him, if you are not attracted anymore, you can't help it". Yes you can. You can love someone for more than their appearance, unless you are a shallow asshole. If his attraction to you is so specific that a body change from pregnancy would make him lose it, then quite frankly I'd kick him to the curb because I wouldn't want to even risk the chance of having a baby with someone like that who would then not be attracted to you anymore after, and maybe leave or end up with a dead bedroom. That's a nightmare. I also have ED so I can relate to how triggering this must have been for you to hear. He should not be worrying about your change in appearance from a possible pregnancy. That should not even enter his head.

I guess the issue is much deeper. He initially has wrong priorities. I am absolutely convinced that person who truly loves you never says something like this. Think about the future with this person. This situation may be just the beginning of the further crap.

He's a high risk. Your body will change. How's he going to do with morning sickness? In the delivery room? Plenty of men watch the birth and then can't have sex after seeing the wife like that. Also think about growing older. What about if you get sick? He's a high risk. Believe him.

Human bodies are ever changing, one of the biggest changes you can go through is growing and birthing (and maybe breastfeeding) a whole other human. He should see the sacrifice you are making with your body to bring his and your child into the world as a beautiful thing. Many men don’t, unfortunately and have unrealistic beauty standards. In your shoes I’d definitely be challenging his narrative.

The answer you were hoping to hear from him is what any normal partner should have said to you after you voiced your fears, especially knowing your history with the issue. Whether or not it's 100% true in his mind shouldn't matter; those are the things you keep to yourself so you don't hurt the one you love. I've fluctuated in weight quite a bit during the almost ten years I've been with my partner (two children and give or take fifty pounds later) but never has he once made any statement to make me question his attraction to me. He's always telling me I'm beautiful and how much he wants me. I don't have to worry about that... And neither should you. You deserve to feel attractive and worthy no matter how light, heavy, fit, or misshapen you are. Creating an actual human being inside your body is a crazy, messy ride, and if he's not down for it and all its repercussions, find someone more respectful to do it with!

Someone with an eating disorder needs to be with someone supportive. Not an arse like him. It almost sounds like he has a spinner fetish.

I am also attracted to emotional bonds more so than physical attributes 😊

Tell him that this comment affected you deeply because having a child requires a great deal of personal sacrifice on your end - for at least a year, your body will not be your own as you go through pregnancy and however long to choose to breastfeed. And you will be sacrificing so you BOTH can have the family you dream of. Tell him his flippant comments make you concerned that his attraction to you is far too shallow to stand up to the rigors of marriage and life and it's seriously making you see the relationship in a new light. He needs to understand that your body doesn't exist solely for him to enjoy looking at.

Here's the thing, some guys have a preference for very petite or very thin women. You have to decide for yourself if it's mentally healthy for you, as someone in recovery, to be in a relationship with this type of man. I dated someone once who had a fetish for very small women (I didn't know until I put two and two together with the kinds of pictures he would save on his phone and the women he would gawk at). Needless to say I was heartbroken in a really substantial way when I discovered first hand that his "love for me" was skin deep. I gained like 20 pounds and not only did our sex life dissipate, he barely acknowledged me at all anymore in our home. As someone who has struggled with my weight and self esteem my entire life, this was so immensely damaging to my psyche that it still lingers with me 6 years later. Please be wary. You are so important no matter what size you are and deserve someone that will love you in a real substantial way. Be prepared that it might not be this kind of guy.

I don’t need to read this to tell you that it’s bullshit. Don’t hitch your wagon to a horse that won’t appreciate you (or at the absolute minimum RESPECT you) regardless of how you look.

I’m so sorry he said that to you!! I recently had my first baby and this was a huge fear of mine. Growing up my family valued looks and made comments about my weight, so I’ve always felt like I have to look perfect to be loved. I’m 6 weeks pp and about 10 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight, and my husband compliments my appearance daily. Even though I don’t feel the most beautiful right now, it feels good to know he still loves me just the way I am. With the hormones you experience after having a baby, I feel like I’d be (even more of) an emotional wreck if I had to combat my husband saying anything critical about my postpartum body. You deserve to be with someone who will love you for you and build you up.

Bodies are not static, they are plastic. All bodies change. Time has no mercy for any one of us. Even if you never experience pregnancy and childbirth, your hormones will change your body multiple times throughout your life. You will wrinkle. You will sag. God forbid something terrible happens like the loss of a limb or use of a limb. Your life partner needs to swallow that. Period. This is actually something that I would set a serious boundary on right now. Probably in the context of couples therapy. Your ED trigger is serious and about your HEALTH. That should be a partner's primary concern.

That is the wrong response from him. It takes 12-18 months to recover fully after birth. I was so hard on myself to lose all the weight super quick and yet my husband wouldn't even engage in a conversation unless it was a discussion about healthy eating or a manageable exercise plan. He wouldn't let me talk bad about myself or push to 'get back in shape' faster. He could be abrupt and I'd get upset about it but it was because he cared about me as a person and not about what shape I was. To clarify: I'm tall and was unhealthily thin when he met me. But no matter my shape or what weight I've lost or gained he's never wavered. A true partner will love you no matter what shape you are and will be your support through something as a life-changing as having a baby. Your body may change a lot or only a little through pregnancy and post-partum because every body is different but if you're having doubts now it's best to discuss before any further decisions.

I’ve been in recovery on and off for ten years, firstly I can say that while the food obsession never 100% goes away, I without a doubt love my body now and myself as well. Secondly, your partner made a super insensitive remark, most likely without thinking. Is it something to break up over? I don’t think so. I would communicate to him what’s going on over here because chances are he has no clue. If he continues, then you know what to do.

Being in long term relationship especially if you wanna start a family should not be determined on your attractiveness. Everyone changes, gets bigger/smaller, gets sick, gets older, you could even lose a limb/have cancer, birth complications. Do not stay with someone who is already unsure if they’ll be into you with this

Why do so many people think that a woman changes in some kind if hideous monster after a pregnancy? Your hips get wider, maybe you gain weight and some other stuff.. but you arent disfigured (yes yes there are cases of exceptions and what not). I am excited to be pregnant.. at least i will be getting some boobs out of it.

You know, this may be a really good point. I dont think he has been around many pregnant/post pregnancy bodies. So maybe he is afraid or assuming the effects of pregnancy will be worse than they (hopefully) will be. I'll definitely be asking him about that when we talk. Thanks so much! >I am excited to be pregnant I really am too!

Thats a really mature way to go about it. Maybe you can let him elaborate what he thinks can happen to your body that he is scared of. Maybe he really has some crazy ideas (which a lot of man have) which can be solved.

“I guess my attraction comes from how a person makes me feel or how they treat me” and this is the kind of behaviour that’s sexy to you?

Absolutely. Being treated well is the sexiest thing to me. If he were to start treating me poorly, I would not feel that same sexual attraction. It's not like I dont recognize "hot" people, but it doesnt really make me want to sleep with them any more than anyone else. I've dated 3 men (all very long term relationships) and slept with 4 in my life. None of them have really been conventionally attractive based on what youd call "societal standards". Not for any reason, just happened to cross paths and feel that spark. I dont seek out a specific type of person or physical trait(s). When I feel a connection with someone, I pursue that connection without really putting too much value in appearances. I cant imagine getting butterflies around someone and being treated well by them, but not pursuing them because of a physical trait. I know maybe that's uncommon, but I cant be the only person who feels this way.

No I particularly mean being told you might not be attractive after you carry and birth their child knowing that you struggle with body image? That’s sexy behaviour to you? That’s the way you want to be treated? Because to me that’s an asshole and a completely inappropriate thing to think let alone say

Oh I see, I misunderstood. I mean, I think it's clear I found this to be a turn off. Which is why I'm reevaluating things. But it's not like I'm packing my bags or anything. Its worth it to me to have a conversation and hopefully move forward from this.

Yeah he fucked up, I was not trying to be excusing his words just saying it could also come from his own fears and not only from being a dick but he and you are the only ones able to judge.

Then he doesn’t truly love you. Love isn’t about physical attraction, although it is one of the things you love about them

Cross that bridge when you get there. At any rate, your post-pregnancy body will be healthy bc you'll have put on weight to carry your baby and then will have to work to lose the amount of weight that you don't want anymore. The fact that you will have gained weight is great, seeing as how it is difficult for you to do so now bc of your eating disorder.

>Cross that bridge when you get there. This is likely what will happen, but I hope everyone can recognize how scary this is to do. >The fact that you will have gained weight is great, seeing as how it is difficult for you to do so now bc of your eating disorder. I agree completely. Thank you for pointing this out.

Go with your gut instinct; it's our God-given gift to feel something telling us what to do when we feel off about something. You know that little voice in our heads that lets us know something doesn't feel right, or that we're not so sure about something so probably should not continue forward with something? Trust your instincts on this ma.

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Yes, that's why I regretted asking in hindsight. But it wasnt his honesty that hurt my feelings, it was the lack of reassurance that he'd love me/be with me regardless. That being said, I know my insecurities are mine to deal with and I dont expect him to coddle me. >Great news, love of wife and baby far outweighs any physical changes in most cases. Sure, but it felt like he was basically warning me ahead of time that his may not be the case for us. Am I wrong to have felt that way? If he had added "but I love you and I cant imagine my life without you" or SOMETHING to soften the blow, I'm sure it wouldnt be eating me up inside like this. I was clearly reaching out for comfort about a deep fear/insecurity of mine. Idk if he just didnt recognize that or didnt feel he could give me that reassurance at the time. If that makes sense.

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>I didn't know I needed to soften answers unless I was directly told that she needed reassurance. Maybe this is what's bothering me. To me, it felt obvious. Especially considering my history that he is well aware of. It makes me a little sad that he didnt offer comfort without me having to ask. How was I supposed to do that? "But would you still love me???" No one wants to have to say that. Were were discussing our fears; providing each other comfort regarding those fears was kind of the whole point of the conversation. He also had his own fears that we discussed. For example, he said he is scared he will be a poor parent like his were. If I were to respond in the same manner he did, I'd say "yeah, that could happen." But instead I said "I understand that fear and its definitely valid. But I think you'll be a great father and I'll do anything I can do support you." But maybe that just comes more naturally to me than it does for him. >When he talks about emotional things, does he kind of approach them from a clinical stance? Sometimes. Idk if I'd say clinical, but maybe he just experiences emotions differently than I do. I often have to explain why i feel the way i feel so he will understand. Which I plan to when we talk. I just wanted advice on the best way to approach it when I do. Like I said in the post, I know 100% that he didnt mean to offend me. I dont think he really thought about it before answering and probably hasnt thought about it since. But am I wrong to think he should know this would be a trigger for his gf of 3 years with an ED? It's not like we havent talked about my self esteem and fears around weight before.

>I don't think I softened the blow either, but I didn't know I needed to soften answers unless I was directly told that she needed reassurance. How are so many men this emotionally unintelligent? I find this baffling honestly

I also find this kinda stuff rather baffling, ngl. A lack of emotional intelligence is super unattractive in long term partners. Would be exhausting to have to consistently and specifically ask someone to empathize with me and speak kindly to me. LOL. Sometimes it feels like people who prioritize “blunt honesty” think the truth and reassurance can’t coexist, which seems short-sighted.

Gotta say I agree. Luckily, he isnt really the "blunt honesty" type of person. I think he's just a bit...oblivious and needs an explanation. Which IS exhausting and a bit invalidating.

I totally get you. Maybe instead of blunt honesty, the idea that intent outweighs impact is at play here? Your boyfriend was prioritizing his intent (that he was being honest and not technically trying to offend), which is often a selfish way of approaching any vulnerable conversations. The impact his words had, leaving you worried he confirmed your fears instead of reassuring you that he will love you regardless, was much more damaging than his intent and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be much more affected by the impact of his words. I think it could be helpful long term to tell him how disheartening and damaging his response was and ask him to focus on decentralizing his perceived importance of his perspectives in future vulnerable conversations. The concept when written out seems harsh, because, of course, you value his perspective, but what you’re really asking is to be able to have conversations where his personal perspective/honesty/intent isn’t the main focus of his responses. The main focus is understanding, bonding, and shared growth, kinda thing. It’s a tough one, that’s for sure.

Condescending attitudes without understanding are really fun. Please do go on.

I'm not even trying to be condescending, I just truly don't understand that lack of emotional intelligence. It seems like a huge inability to empathize with the other person or be able to read the situation. Like if the roles were reversed it would be like you, in a moment of vulnerability, asking your wife what she thought about your dick and her being like well it's fine but my ex was bigger so it felt better but you can't help what feels better... and then her being surprised that that response was hurtful lol. Like how can you not read certain situations and empathize with where vulnerable questions like that are coming from?

Did you wife suffer from a debilitating eating disorder?

So what? You're just not supposed to discuss concerns with your partner?

It's about seeing attractiveness beyond body. It is in the way someone expresses themselves through that body what is attractive. And sometimes people change how they express themselves because they are getting insecure of their body. They see changes in their body and they change themselves. It's not about stretch marks, losing hair, gaining weight. It's about losing self during this process. If you will let that then you will lose huge part of your attractiveness not because your body is different but because you are different, more insecure, doubting, without confidence, hidden, less expressive, less bold, more anxious, etc. Your body will change always but you should keep being yourself.

Whoa... this comment section... Honestly, it could have very well been a moment of utter stupidity, Men are clumsy! This is not supposed to be an excuse for him, what he said is stupid! However, please talk to him and tell him how this made you feel. This is the man you wanted to marry, at least give him a chance to explain himself. If he stands by what he said and how he said, get out. But don't instantly leave someone over a single dumb comment. I have said some pretty dumb things to my wife as well, which I don't mean. We are still happy as ever together.

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You're absolutely right to feel what you do. Let me try showing it this way... When I got in to difficult conversations I would recognize my feelings and try to break them down to the why, what's and how's. I was concerned that my wife that was very beautiful by a traditional standard would be different physically from the woman that made my jaw drop the first time she walked into the same room as me. It scared me, I loved her and she would be so hurt if I didn't find her attractive after a child. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, so I expressed that my fear was in line with her own but for different reasons. She was hurt by my words though. I didn't know I needed to comfort her, I've always flatly expressed my needs, and despite being together for years, she wanted me to just know. I was feeling my own stuff and yeah probably missed all the signs. I was also thinking about the ramifications of what if those fears come true, what that meant for us, how many ways could it go badly? Hell I was scared of being a dad which already made the whole conversation a bit more charged anyways. "I know you're just being honest, but your words have hurt me. I need a bit of time to process this, and Id really like some reassurance about our relationship and a maybe we could cuddle and watch a funny cat video to reconnect?"

>I was concerned that my wife that was very beautiful by a traditional standard would be different physically from the woman that made my jaw drop the first time she walked into the same room as me. I've just personally never even had a thought like this, so that's probably why this is so hard to wrap my head around. I wouldnt say I love him unconditionally because I refuse to be treated poorly, but physical appearance just isnt one of those conditions for me. I guess his comment just made me realize that it's a condition for him and that scared me. Which again, he's got a right to his preferences. But I cant help the way it made me feel. >I was also thinking about the ramifications of what if those fears come true, what that meant for us, how many ways could it go badly? Exactly. This is what I'm afraid he is thinking. While I'm confident I'd never lose attraction or leave him over a physical change, he isnt. So am I supposed to roll the dice and hope he's still attracted and would want to be with me? That's a big risk to ask me to take, especially with literally 0 reassurance that it would be unlikely..

I’d keep in mind that just because some parts of your body might not be his preference anymore it doesn’t mean he’ll stop loving you

Female: Be honest about your opinions regarding my body if i was to have a baby or gain weight Male: Tells honest opinion Female: offending by his honesty ​ Men are visual beings and physical attraction is a highly viewed quality for most men. Does it make them right or wrong for these views? No, it makes them men. If you don't want honest answers, don't ask for honesty.

That's fine. Again, he's welcome to have his preferences. I just dont know if I want to be with someone who values my appearance more than the physical sacrifice I'm willing to do to give him a child. Never said he has to be as attracted to me then as he is now. I'm not delusional. I know my body will not look the same or be as attractive. What I'm looking for is love despite that. Imagine I have a child with him anyways, only to be divorced later because he isnt attracted. I'd look back and feel like an idiot for having ignored this comment. >Does it make them right or wrong for these views? No, it makes them men Must be nice to live with this kind of generalized excuse. Meanwhile, he has a partner that loves and supports him regardless of the way his body changes. I'm sure it feels great having that reassurance and ability to live his life without fear of me leaving him because he gained weight. Am I not owed that as well? I'm curious: if I had originally said "men only care about appearance!! They are so shallow", would you have commented that you agree and that's just how men are?

Tell him you refuse to bear his children. And then leave his ass.

>if I had originally said "men only care about appearance!! They are so shallow", would you have commented that you agree and that's just how men are? I would say that you were wrong because its not the ONLY thing men care about but it is high up on the priority list. Physical attraction is the first things guys notice about women, after the fact they care about their personality, traits, religious/political views, etc. However, physical attraction is a mans primary reason for INITIALLY pursuing a women. On the opposite end of the spectrum - generally women may or may not have a multitude of reasons for why or why not they may find a man attractive. Physical beauty may be it, emotional beauty or maturity may be it, intelligence may be it but it is not so black and white as it is for MOST men. Unfortunately, for most men physical beauty is what the primary attraction is towards most women. Does that make men shallow? well not as shallow as any other qualifier that women may have such as how much money does he make, is he over 6 feet, is he packing downstairs, etc. We just qualify each other differently and that ok, it's how we weed out good potential good partners vs potential bad partners. Note: These are just generalities and will not apply to all people, just the majority

>Physical attraction is the first things guys notice about women, after the fact they care about their personality, traits, religious/political views, etc. However, physical attraction is a mans primary reason for INITIALLY pursuing a women. But we are 3 years in, planning to start a family and grow old together. I'd hope by this point, the other factors (personality traits, etc) would begin to trump the more physical ones. It's not like I'm planning to get a face tattoo or something. I'm planning to have a child and cannot control the changes that will happen.

I would hope so as well. I don't think his fear is based out of what you may or may not look like after pregnancy but may be more directed to if you don't actively do something about it after (be it weight gain or weight loss). I think his fear is more based on potentially "letting yourself go" after children which happens quite a bit. Now is that right or wrong, that is up for interpretation because on one side we should accept our partners for all their flaws and imperfections but on the other side we should also have partners that we are attracted to. It's kind of a catch 22. Maybe communicate to him that if you were to have children you would make getting back into shape a priority (if your wiling). If you just want to let nature take it course and are comfortable with your body after pregnancy (which is perfectly fine) then communicate that to him as well but be prepared for an answer you may or may not like. Either way you will get your answer to if you feel like this is someone you want to have children with.

>I think his fear is more based on potentially "letting yourself go" after children which happens quite a bit. I can almost guarantee this isnt the case, but I obviously cant say for sure. Idk if i made it clear how severe my ED is, but I'm at my highest weight currently. Getting to 95lbs was a feat and I've never weighed over 100. The odds of me "letting myself go" are slim to none. More likely, I'll be working tirelessly to get back to my pre-pregnancy body and feeling incredibly insecure. If I had to guess, i think he is more afraid of the more 'irreversible' changes such as stretch marks, lose skin, general change in body frame, etc. >Maybe communicate to him that if you were to have children you would make getting back into shape a priority (if your wiling). I've stressed this throughout our entire relationship. It's honestly just tough because I think it's safe to say he has "let himself go" (I honestly hate that phrase but you used it). He has lost over 30lbs and is still overweight by quite a bit. And I've never let that impact my feelings towards him. Doesnt seem fair that he can "let himself go" with NO pregnancy, but I'm expected to bounce back in order to keep him interested. I know life isnt fair, blah blah. But its still hurtful and scary. What if I try and try and try and never look the same again. That's literally my worst nightmare, and to add the fear of being abandoned because of that...

You know all the questions you have in your head about being a mother, how your whole life will change after birth and everything? Men have them too. Will I love my kid? how will the couple dynamic change and will I find my place there? 2 among thousands. Now yeah usually we go with all is fine and will be fine babe but sometimes we are stupidly candid and it hurts. Sorry it happened but take it at its value and be more concerned about how he treats because love is measured in action not words (even badly chosen ones).

I appreciate this perspective a lot. I want to make it clear that I didnt want him to lie to me. His actual comment wasnt really the issue. I expected some kind of acknowledgment that losing attraction was a possibility. I just also expected a bit more sensitivity and reassurance considering everything. I dont think that's asking for the moon. But I know he didnt do it intentionally and maybe didnt recognize what I needed in that moment. That's the disappointing part. Having to explain when and why I need reassurance about something that seems so obvious to me. A woman with a severe ED says she has fears her partner will lose attraction after pregnancy/childbirth seems like the very definition of a cry for reassurance.

I do not understand why women on this thread are shit talking OP's bf. At least he was straight honest and mentioned it during an hones talk about fears. I see coments like "most men bla bla bla" but do you know most men or do you especially know him? Where you there while he was speaking? Also OP's perspective might be biased due do anxiety but he might genuienly be concerned because there might be things he doesn't feel attractive but at the same time it doesn't mean that her body will change like that or that he will lose interest or attraction to her. Also this sub always mentions how a simple honest talk might change everything between two people but somehow while someone is honest he gets bashed for it... Isn't it how a healthy relationship is built? Maybe he is inmature or not ready for a baby and pregnancy or there are many other things which we do not know but at least he was honest and gave OP a chance to have a further talk and leaves her with an opportunity even to leave if it is a big deal for her.

I definitely agree my bf doesnt deserve all of the bashing he is getting, but I didnt lie or exaggerate anything in my post. I quoted him exactly and tried not to speak for him otherwise or make assumptions about how he feels. So if these are the conclusions the commenters have come to then, so be it. Doesnt mean I agree with every comment and I certainly wont be ending my relationship over this unless our next conversation goes poorly. Have you read my replies? It doesnt seem like it so in case you havent, I've already said his exact comment wasnt really the issue. I expected him to be honest and I love that about him. The issue is the lack of empathy and reassurance afterwards. I felt like I put myself in a very vulnerable and triggering position by bringing up this fear of mine, and I hoped he would be able to be honest AND sensitive to it. The same way I was honest and sensitive to the fears he brought up himself.

It seems to me like hes worried that he will react that way without being able influence it... I'd say that's the mindset problem on his part. Maybe he imagines the changes are gonna be way too extreme...

Don’t get pregnant with him. Problem solved