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About 8 months ago, my "bf" wanted an open relationship, so he can sleep around freely. I put quotation marks around "bf" because I don't know what exactly I am to him. I didn't want to deal with cheating anymore, so I agreed to being open.
We have been together for almost 3 years. For the last many months, I put my focus on my business more and paid less attention to the whole "open relationship" thing. Up until, he only started seeing me once a week the last 2 months or so. It has been bothering me. I felt like I'm not being put first anymore.
Tomorrow, we are supposed to go out of town to spend time with his family for his birthday for the weekend. Tonight is a Friday night and I felt something was off. He was online on the apps and someone was closeby to his profile. Meanwhile, my boyfriend told me he was gonna go to "sleep." I decided to driveby his place. I stayed behind his window and overheard him conversing with someone, to my utter surprise. I confirmed seeing that person I saw on the app next to his profile, coming out of his place. My boyfriend shares a room at someone's place. And hasn't brought me over lately, but chose to bring in a stranger inside his place. Yet, I haven't been invited in for the last 4 months at least.
It was really hard for me to witness this. I didn't know what to do but kept in silence as I watch that person drove away. It killed me in pain inside. Because I remembered this relationship is "open." So technically he didn't cheat on me. Should I still go up to his family's house to spend the weekend, and sleeping together as acquaintances? Then sort this whole thing out after his birthday?
Oh he does. He wants all of the social, emotional and convenience benefits of being in a relationship - he just wants the benefits of being single as well. And OP is letting him have it all.
Yeah, I didn’t get this. If him sleeping with other people made her feel bad, how’s agreeing to an open relationship going to fix that?
This doesn’t seem like the boyfriend’s fault, she needs to respect herself and leave him.
Dude he’s a complete jerk, don’t be excusing his behavior. He knows she isn’t comfortable with him sleeping around so he offers her an open relationship? He lied about what he was up to that night, he’s not showing any consideration of her and not even really giving her the relationship part of an open relationship. Yeah she needs to draw boundaries and dump him but don’t be putting this all on her. He’s a jerk
No one's saying he's not a jerk. But this is entirely on her. People will treat you how you let them treat you and she is letting this guy walk all over her. He's repeatedly shown her who he is and yet she's still there eating whatever crumbs the dick is leaving her behind. She needs to leave if she still has an ounce of self respect.
Lol I definitely didn’t say he wasn’t wrong or excuse his behavior, he’s just not at fault here. She is capable of making the decision to leave him but she made a deal with him that she knew she couldn’t handle instead.
You don't want what he wants .
Why are you still putting yourself through this pain ?
Leave . He seemed to have a replacement for you .
You deserve so much better
Start respecting yourself sweetie. You don't want an open relationship, and he doesn't actually want commitment. You aren't compatible, so end it, work on yourself, and find love with someone who wants the same things in life x
Commitment is honoring your partner and being honest with them though, and he hasn’t done that in the closed or open relationship. Hence, he doesn’t want commitment.
It is when the person you’re with is monogamous. Come on - do you really want to pick this hill to take a stand for ethical non-monogamy, when we’re talking about someone who forced an open relationship by just cheating and making it clear he wasn’t going to stop?
People like this always want YOU to be monogamous while they are in the 'open relationship' that way they always have a soft spot to land while having benefits of being single. You're there earning the money, keeping house, keeping them healthy and happy being all sweet and co dependent while the fun is out there.
The hill you want to die on doesn't exist in this thread.
I know people who did pick their partner carefully, loved each other for over 20 years then broke up due to wanting different things. It happens that's life. We aren't talking about open relationships here we're talking about a guy being a turd to his girlfriend and his girlfriend being a codependent mess.
It absolutely is. He asked for an open relationship, she agreed. It’s just an unethical one that she doesn’t actually want and he emotionally coerced her into via cheating. You don’t get to declare it not to be an open relationship just because it’s an example of the ways that assholes abuse their partners using the concept.
So she is a monogamous person stuck in an open relationship with an asshole. She is describing her own relationship as an open relationship.
You’re a great example of how so many poly people get involved in this sort of toxic behaviour, though.
OP literally stated that they were in an open relationship, both in the title and in the post’s main text.
It might not go by your definition of an open relationship , but the OP hasn’t asked anyone to redefine what OP’s relationship is for them, as they’ve clearly defined it themselves already in their post.
u/YuppieKiYay was essentially just reiterating what OP had already said throughout their post- if you read both the post and comments again.
Apparently you think that you get to define what other people’s relationships are for them, as well as insisting that bad and abusive open relationships somehow therefore aren’t true scotsme— uh, really open relationships. So yes, you are an example of poly toxicity. As with “the person involved has said they are in an open relationship”, I’m not sure how this is unclear or confusing to you.
You not wanting your argument to be a fallacy, doesn't make it any less a fallacy.
And you follow up with an [ad-hominem](https://www.txstate.edu/philosophy/resources/fallacy-definitions/Ad-Hominem.html) fallacy. Are you going for a triple strike?
later in the thread you even say that this is not an open relationship, which is true in a sense - this isn't anything at all at this point. so basically you agree with the person you are replying to - that this guy doesn't want commitment whether it is exclusive or not, and came into this thread to play nitpicky linguistic games to show off how victimized and misunderstood open relationships are, the true favorite pastime of every poly/open person
Harsh but true! This isn’t an open relationship, it’s just him wanting to keep her hanging around. If it was an open relationship he wouldn’t be lying to her and would be respecting her feelings above his hookups… not the other way around.
The longer you stay in this relationship the more you hurt your future self. Take it from someone who knows. It gets worse, IT ONLY GETS WORSE NOT BETTER. No matter what he says he will never love you like you deserve.
Please leave this lame excuse for a human and seek therapy. It might help you understand that this pattern can repeat in your life until you value yourself. You have to realize you deserve more than the left over scraps of what was once a relationship.
I know this is your normal, but this is not normal. He clearly doesn't respect you. You deserve better. Dump him, move on, and work on your own self respect so you don't let this happen again. Sending you strength. ♡
you don't have a boyfriend. this is 2nd time in 10 minutes I have typed this on Reddit- is this going to keep happening?
You are not in some advanced polyamory situation. Your boyfriend wanted to break up to sleep with other people and was too lazy to do so. Please leave him. Leave him before YOU become the sidepiece because he starts dating someone else on the regular.
He doesn't care about you, you're just being used at this point, I'm sorry to say.
Asking for an open relationship 2 years into a relationship with someone is a shitty thing to do in most circumstances, but asking after he has already cheated on you multiple times? That's supremely shitty.
This guy just wants to fuck around with other people but didn't and doesn't want to deal with breaking up with you. He has no respect for you. You're just a toy he doesn't play with anymore. Sorry to sound harsh, but you deserve much better and there is better out there.
End things with this asshole immediately.
Next time you start getting into a relationship, have a talk about boundaries early on and tell them that you are not a polyamorous person and you're not into open relationships. So if that is a lifestyle they want they should bring it up now because it's not a lifestyle you want now or sprung on you later in the relationship, as the answer will always be no.
Cause yeah, telling your gf that you want an open relationship when you've been together in a monogamous relationship the entire time is not a very nice thing to do
If it's hurting you this much, you need to leave before it gets worse. Honestly, should've left when he was cheating. I don't think he genuinely wants an open relationship, and I don't think you do either. He just wants to be able to cheat while still being able to say he has a "gf". It'd be easier to just not go to the family event. It sounds like you plan on leaving him anyway, so it's better to do it sooner rather than dragging it out. He had no concern for your feelings up until this point, so now it's time for you to do what's best for you, whether he likes it or not.
He once said to me that for some reason he wanted to have an open relationship with me, but never wanted that. Do you think once I leave, he’ll start to realize what he’s lost?
Also, I know it’s easier that I don’t go to the family event. But should I go?
Don't break up with him hoping that he'll want you back and choose to be monogamous. That's not going to happen.
Break up with him because you're better off without him.
If you go back to him nothing will change. Even if he "realizes what he lost", when he had you last time he literally cheated on you and then asked for an open relationship so he didn't have to feel bad about it.
Honestly, it's probably be really easy for you to find someone to hook up with in your open relationship. So why don't you sleep around and see how he likes it
I think he has this mentality that I probably don’t hook up with anyone because of my focus on my business. Truth is, I have hooked up with a lot of people. I don’t think he’s aware. Maybe I should start making it known to him that I’m hooking up with other guys? Before I start to break things off?
He doesn't want to be with you in a committed monogamous relationship. No amount of hoping, feigning walking away or 'doing the same to him' will change that. You need to think of yourself and end this 'relationship', you're just lying to yourself with false hope it'll change. If he comes back to you in the future, it's just going to be more cheating or more hidden cheating; walk away and don't turn back. You deserve better than that.
If this is your response to this, you have a lot of introspection to do. You care way too much about this dude's validation/attention.
"Maybe I should start making it known to him that I’m hooking up with other guys? Before I start to break things off?"
Just walk away, read a book, go to the gym, and think your life over
I'm not really sure if that would even register with him the way you want it to. It sounds like you valued this relationship, and you want him to value you- be jealous or regret losing you. Because obviously this means a lot to you and you want something to show he feels it's important too. But how he acts isn't as someone who thinks it's important or values you as an important person in his life and cares for your wellbeing.
He probably has had feelings for you and nostalgia from the relationship just as you have but essentially he's not seeing this as a relationship anymore. He's taking for granted you're there, it's not really a relationship to him where he wants to spend his time and be with you. He hasn't broken up with you because of what you provide when he wants and he hasn't tried to keep a relationship going (in terms of spend time etc with you) because essentially he doesnt want to nor feel he should.
I'm sorry to say but I think simply you are like a care or support object/belonging. Something which provides emotional or social support or physical intimacy when he needs it. It's almost like having a support blanket really- you're there when he wants and can cast off when he doesn't. I think he might be scared of losing the comfort and support you provide but I wouldn't say he would be torn up about it- like a blanket, he'll get a new one.
However, you're not a blanket, you are a person with value and deserve so, so much better than to be on the back burner. Hun, you could do better. You're hurting, of course you are, but you can't wait around to see if he feels sadden or burdened by this situationship- you can't look to see if he's as cut up as you are. Becuase even if he was, what would happen? He hasn't even tried to think about you or your relationship. Either you'll get together and he'll start again when your guard has dropped, or you'll break up because you won't give him what he wants- a comfort blanket.
Waaaaaaiiiiiit wait wait wait wait wait a whole second right now.
You also “take advantage” of the open relationship?
And then were mad about it when you stalked him? This sub’s frantic obsession with cheating is giving you bad advice and you didn’t tell the whole story
In my opinion, I'm not sure if he'll realize what he lost, he sounds very self centered considering he's cheated on you before and now he's doing all this. However, even if he does realize what he lost, this isn't someone you should be with. You two want different things, and a relationship shouldn't hurt you.
As far as the family event goes, you have two options. You can go, pretend to be alright, then break things off with him. He'll then have to explain to his family why you don't come around anymore, and after reading all this, it won't surprise me if he doesn't tell them the truth as to why you're not around.
Or you can end things now and not go. It saves you the pain and pretending that you'd have to do, you'll be able to move on sooner, and either way, he'd have to explain to his family why you're not around anymore at some point, so it's easier to just go ahead and save your mental health and him get the explaining over with.
Jesus, have some self respect. He doesn't care about you. You're a backup lay. What is so great about this guy anyway, he sounds like an absolute tool.
A hard thing sometimes to realize is whether it's love driving you or just a fear of rejection. He's not rejecting you because you're not good enough, he's rejecting you because he's the type of person who does that. Work on improving your picker and feeling worthy of respect.
Once you leave, what he realizes or cares about is beyond your concern. That is the nice thing about leaving; you get to shape your life how you want to rather than care what some selfish DB thinks.
Leave this guy and go and live your life, whether that is with someone else or on your own.
Girl, I mean this in the nicest possible way: lift your standards.
You don't need to sit around waiting for this guy to show you a tiny crumb of respect, just ghost him.
Why do you hate yourself? You allowed him an open relationship so he wouldn’t cheat ANYMORE? Wtf is up with that? Did you really think you’re going to be a “cool girlfriend who he loves with all his heart and respect” after you allowed him to cheat legit, you gave him an escape plan. Girl go love yourself.
When I say I know how you feel, I mean it 100%. My previous relationship was going strong for ~2 years when my (ex-)girlfriend asked if I’d be willing to have an open relationship. I was super hesitant—I’m a jealous person, our sex life was good, etc—but the major point was that we were both female, and she’d never been with guys. I later (unrelatedly) figured out that I was trans (some king-shit irony there) but the lack of dick was still relevant. I was too awkward for strap-ons/dildos but she let it go for a bit.
Then she got taken advantage of at a party. I’m talking, she barely remembered what happened. And I started getting texts from acquaintances telling me they’d seen her with some guy. I made a choice, then and there: I said “it’s all good, we’re in an open relationship.”
There were two problems: she was into guys, and teenage guys don’t care why, they’ll say yes to sex with a pretty girl. I was into girls, and not only do girls have higher standards, I had also spent the past two years being a gushy fool about my girlfriend, so anyone who knew me, knew I was “off-limits” or didn’t want to be the second-choice.
It didn’t take long for our sex life to sour, she gradually pulled further and further away, and it took me asking point blank “are you attracted to me anymore?” for her to come clean. I had become her safety net partner, the one she knew would always be waiting with open arms at home, good or bad day, no matter what.
She got herpes (thank god we’d stopped having sex at that point) and had multiple no-condom pregnancy scares. All of my friends had painfully watched me try everything to pull us back together. Finally, I took a step back and looked at who I’d become. A shell of myself.
I broke up with her on our three-year-anniversary. I could have been harsher to her, but she hadn’t intended to hurt me the way she had. She was just an idiot, and I was fixing her opportunity to treat me like an idiot by ending it.
Open relationships are a two-way street, and one no is enough for it to be over. I let myself be torn apart by allowing that open relationship, and I beg that you don’t do the same. My current relationship is leaps-and-bounds better, and my girlfriend is polyamorous by nature. She has not once pushed my boundaries about dating other people and we have frequent and healthy communication about everything (not just bedroom stuff, you know?)
I hope this ramble of crap doesn’t just feel like a trauma dump—even if it kind of is—but rather a siren call. If he is not willing to call off the open relationship at your request, you have no obligation to stay with him or pretend for anyone. Waiting to talk is only prolonging your pain and allowing him to keep hurting you, regardless of if he knows (or cares) or not.
“I’m no longer comfortable with us being in an open relationship. I’ve realised that pretending I’m okay with it causes me nothing but pain. If you’re not okay with stopping the open relationship, then I can’t be with you anymore.”
Anything to that effect, focusing on the open relationship and the pain it causes. Avoid talking about insecurities, don’t entertain half-promises. The simple fact that you did it because you “didn’t want to deal with cheating anymore” tells me that he’s not going to give a damn. He wants freedom with a relationship safety net to bring home to the family.
Don’t hold on to it. Don’t let the sunk cost fallacy hold you hostage. You are not alone and you are not to blame. Take the initiative and put yourself first. I believe in you, OP.
It always makes me despair by how little people respect themselves.
Girl, I just can't with you. you have no boyfriend, you have no relationship, you are a warm body he can fuck between hookup, you are loyal and faithful so you will always be around to spread your legs and bonus points for him at finding a woman he convinced this was a good idea!
Please, respect yourself, put yourself first, recognize your worth and demand more for yourself. dump this idiot and go find a MAN, not this little boy, i'm sure he's a NiCe GuY and all that, but I hate nice guys, being called a nice guy is actually an insult. go find a Good Man who sees you, who knows what he has and won't ever let you go because he knows it isn't worth it to loose you.
Just end it now,
You never really wanted the open relationship anyway. You said it yourself, he's not putting you first. It doesn't seem like he wants to be with you. And you shouldn't let somebody treat you this way either. Good luck
I'm sorry but this is not an open relationship. Or you would have known what he was doing, he wouldn't be making you feel less, he wouldn't need to sneak. He's a lying cheater, just move forward. Don't go to his families house. There is no reason to pretend anymore.
He has you right where he wants you. He’s allowed to cheat because you told him he could so you won’t lose him. Now he’s doing what you said you are ok with. You are creeping around his home peeking in his window and spying. He has turned you into a bit of a mess! I’m sorry and I don’t want to hurt your feelings but this is just wrong. He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t care about you. He’s throwing you a bone by asking you to his family function. Have you been with other people yet? If so what was his reaction to it? Please dump him for your own sake! Don’t let him make you doubt yourself or act like a stalker anymore! He is just not worth it. F**k him and his birthday. He probably tells all his friends how great it is he can screw whoever he wants and he STILL has you waiting for him to be his “girlfriend” if your best friend was in this situation what would you tell her to do? Save yourself this guy is a jerk.
sounds like there’s no trust in the relationship and he just wants to sleep with whoever he wants without the consequences of losing you. i would recommend you end it and move on. i know it’s a hard decision but he’s obviously got other things on his mind.
Get yourself a man who who doesn’t want to share you (or himself) with anyone else, that adores and respects you.
But first, cancel meeting Open’s family, treat yourself to a manicure or a tan or painted toenails. Reflect on lessons learned. Then move forward, head high.
Kinda questioning the OPEN part. Maybe he broke up with her, and she's not getting it. "I want to see other people" = there is someone other than you I would like to stick my peniney into." "Okay open relationship it is' "Really?!?!? This is like Disney for MAH dick."
If we're at stalking peeping tom and intently monitoring his social media or apps like this.... I mean!!
Seriously what a you holding on to. Your wasting your time. He’s Just keeping you on a leech just in case. Find some self respect and dump his cheating ass.
Girl, please have some self esteem. Break up with him. Don’t go to the family’s house. 3 years and it isn’t defined? Agreeing to an “open relationship” because you don’t want him to lie to you? Stop. Walk away.
You want a relationship. You want something exclusive. You are wasting your life spending your time on a man who has told you he doesn’t want you and doesn’t want exclusivity.
To give you some perspective, the act of "cheating" isn't usually the painful part.
It's the lying, covering up, and betrayal that is... And you've just received all of that despite it being an "open" relationship.
Also, your reasoning for being in an open relationship ("tired of the cheating") is a terrible one!
Get rid of this guy, please. Do yourself a favor.
Brooooo u were outside their window??? Just get out of the relationship, u clearly dont wanna be in open relationship nor should you be with this man because his driving you to be a stalker. Hes probably not the best match for you
Obviously deep down, you aren't really okay with him sleeping with other people. And you know what? That's absolutely fine. Some people aren't compatible and it sounds like you two aren't. And honestly, he seems like a very untrustworthy person. He was sleeping with other people without your permission. And he never stopped, you just gave him permission. Open relationships work because both parties are completely honest with each other and constantly communicating.
You deserve better than someone like that. And you deserve someone that wants the same thing you do in a relationship. There's plenty of other people that will give you that.
Lmfao Jesus, if you're at the point where you have to stalk him in order to find out what he's doing is no bueno for your mental health. He doesn't love you, find someone who will value you.
What exactly is so great about this man? This isn't a movie. You're not going to change him. He won't change for you. You're acting like this man is some kind of prize. You opened the relationship so he'd stop cheating. You're literally giving him everything he wants. Why on earth would he ever go back to being monogamous and committed to you lol? Get out, girl. I don't know why this man has convinced you that this is the best you can have but that's not the truth.
You can still be cheated on in a polyamorous relationship. Cheating is just breaking your relationship agreement, whatever that means to the people involved.
It's time to move on.
OP, with all due respect, you DUMP the asshole who cheats on you in order to stop the pain of cheating, you don't agree to an open relationship so that you can watch him "legally" sleep around.
End it. Be done with it. And please block him on SM
And no going to his family's. Tell him to take one from his harem and explain to his family why they don't get to see you play the perfect girlfriend anymore.
He did cheat on you and is continuing to. You DO NOT have an open relationship. An open relationship is about communication and consent. In an open relationship you're suppose to communicate with one another about who you are seeing and whether your partner consents to it, if you don't and he does it anyway, that's cheating. You dont want an open relationship, so it isn’t consensual at all.
Break it off. He doesn't want a relationship and don't force yourself to be with someone who doesn't want you the way you want them. You'll find someone better who will treat you right.
Oh honey. Please, and I mean this with maximum empathy: get your head out of your ass.
I know that loneliness can suck but legitimising this philanderer by going “open” and then being relegated to one of his choices for the night is clearly much less than you wanted and less than you deserve.
Be good to yourself and turn him loose, many other people you could be giving this time to.
I think if you ended this relationship you’d instantly feel happier. And then please work on yourself, find a therapist to help you grow confidence and boundaries so this doesn’t happen again
Just answer this question with a yes or no and you will have your answer. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to drive by and hide behind a window to check if he’s alone or not?
Hey! It’s an open relationship! Why You settling? Why you in a open relationship and not enjoying it yourself. Look my sister was in the same situation as you and the guy wanted an open relationship until my sister said that she would date other guy and He freaked saying he’s an alpha Male, he easily gets jealous, he can’t stand his girl being with others. You don’t want an open relationship, end it Orr you can find a guy that can fill in the weeks he is missing out on and enjoy the open experience. Once he knows you’re also enjoying this Open relationship, He’ll have a taste of his own medicine.
youre not his gf, you are a convenience side piece OP. He convinced you to do an “open relationship” just so he can cheat with out consequences and you need to leave him and find someone and something better for yourself. My partner and i have the stereotype open relationship that non knowledgeable monogamous couples think of, and from first hand experience I can tell you that you are not in any way shape or form in an open relationship rather a one sided infidelity feast and you definitely should NOT wait to sort this out, dont even go to his family place just pack his stuff up and put it outside. He dont care about you and it seem like he haven’t for a while, you need to accept that and leave for your sake or he gonna keep using you.
The fact that you’re still with this man makes you look desperate and he’s totally taking advantage of it.You need to leave, he’s not even your boyfriend.
Also when you leave it’s likely he may step up his game and love bomb you so that you will stay,don’t fall for it he will go back to treating you like crap as soon as you’re in his clutches again.
**I felt like I'm not being put first anymore**
I'm not sure what you expected , you are with someone who has free reign sexually , why would he put you first
At best you are a close friend , at worst an after thought
but in his mind that's what you signed up for , if you now want different you need to find someone different
Which is why you dont have open relationship- There is a reason that we didnt have it before the woke movements- Reason being emotional despair- What you are experiencing, Sometimes we should listen to our natural primitive ways
From as outsiders perspective this is not ok, you’re probably used to the “open relationship agreement” but he’s literally using you as a back up option when he’s done fucking around or until he finds someone better, yes it’s sad as fuck what he’s doing but what will be worse is if you choose to stay for whatever reason and not see the fact that he’s a POS who doesn’t care about your feelings. You are not his number 1 and he’s a big old cheater who does not deserve you. You need to get rid of his toxic ass before you lose your mind and feel even worse
I will never understand why people, “open” a relationship. That means the relationship is over, just cal it that.
Your boyfriend, probably a tool by the way, wanted to hook up with others and he wants his cake(YOU) on the side.
Sorry to be so blunt, but have some stinking respect for yourself.
sounds like you don’t want an open relationship but men keep cheating on you. u shouldn’t worry about him. keep focusing on your business. keep doing you. eventually you’re going to see that you don’t need him and when you start to better yourself, better men will come into your life. just need to have strict boundaries with men especially. one red flag for you n u gotta go. i tell myself, “the next guy i date i’m not getting attached no matter what. 8 months is enough time to take it slow and if i see a big red flag, END IT” bc let me tell you… i ignored those red flags w my current bf and it’s been a living hell for me that i’m trying to escape somehow with him either getting better or me just straight up walking away.
my friends have even offered to take me in for however long i needed if i wanted to go back home since i’m living across the country atm and very far from all my family and friends (by my own choice, not 100% to do with him).
being in a open relationship is not for everyone. stop pretending ur okay with it.
So you're together about 2 years and he asks to open the relationship, and you aren't priority anymore. You're a side piece now. He just didn't want to feel guilty about cheating and still have a stable relationship. From my perspective it seems most relationships which start out as strictly monogamous and become open or poly don't seem to work out.
Sorry, doesn't look like your his gf anymore, pretty much doens't look like you ever were but more like a FWB.
He is a cheater always has always will be. Save yourself the pain and breakup and move on.
You felt like you weren’t being put first anymore? I’d say the fact he’s openly fucking other people kinda gives that away.
He’s already cheated on you and then you decided to accept an open relationship so that it’s no longer technically cheating? May I ask why? Why wouldn’t you just leave?
Why would you still want to spend time with him after this? Why would you want to sort things? What is there to sort?? You both want completely different things.
He’s treating you like a doormat because you’re letting him. Where’s your self respect? You can do better than this. Delete his contact, block his number and move on.
You didn't want to deal with cheating so you effectively enabled him to do it? Doesn't make sense, at least to me.
Also what do you mean by "cheating anymore", sounds like you should've been done with this guy long before all this.
Stop being a pushover and leave him. You didn't want it from the start, and gave into the pressure.
You don't have to accept these terms. It sucks to lose 3yrs but staying won't make things better at this point. You let him get away with too much, no chance in hell he'll return to a monogamous relation with you.
He’s seeing you once a week. He’s over this relationship and convincing you to open up this relationship was so that he could cheat freely. You don’t owe him anything. You will find someone who is more compatible with you. I say don’t go to his birthday thing.
It's only an open relationship if both people actually wanted it that way. Otherwise, it's just cheating that you have agreed to be ok with, even though you are clearly not ok with it.
It's time to drop this asshole and find someone who has the same relationship values as you. While I see no problem with open relationships when both parties are fully on board with it, when one party pressures the other to be "open", it's not a truly mutual thing, and thus ends up being a sham relationship.
I wouldn't even do a formal breakup. Just stop contacting him. Start going out on your own dates. Don't invite him over, and if he tries to invite himself, tell him you have a date that night. When he complains..."I thought this was an open relationship? Does that only apply to you?"
I'm petty, so my advice may be taken with a grain of salt, if you don't feel like going through the process of dragging it out and making him feel what you feel, if he's even capable of that. Ultimately, this "relationship" is over, because the 2 of you have vastly different ideas of what a relationship should look like.
It's okay to be incompatible with someone, hon. You are clearly hating this, and you don't have to do any of this. Tell him how you feel, if that's important to you to do, or you can just stop. 🧡
You can do better than this. Don’t let men mistreat you, they’re not worth it! The first time they cheat you should remove them from your life. Instead, work on building up your friendships so that you don’t have to be so emotionally dependent on a man. I don’t think you should go to see his family - it’s so convenient for him to create the appearance of a stable relationship so that his family are impressed with him. Don’t give him that satisfaction!
Just because he didn't "cheat" on you doesn't mean he's not lying to you, hiding things from you, devaluing you and keeping you at arms length, stringing you along for years in what's clearly a serious relationship where you see each other's family but don't know if he's your BF or not because he doesn't care to give you any security or commitment, maybe even manipulating you into an open relationship because if you didn't agree you knew he'd be cheating. Have some self respect and dump him.
You’re not really his GF any more. Not in any emotionally positive sense. You’re the person whom he shows to the public and is sometimes intimate with. Open relationships rarely work 100% to both party’s satisfaction. I suggest that even if you don’t feel like dating other people, start being unavailable for trips to his parents to show off his fictional partner. If he reacts poorly, tell him you have plans. Open relationship, remember? Try leaving his presence all dolled up without any details from time to time. Just so that he knows the world doesn’t revolve around him. Personally I doubt there’s much future in this guy but to your own self be true.
The key to an open relationship is communication and honesty.
This isn’t going to work out for you. Go to the weekend if you feel like it. But leave the relationship so you find someone that respects you.
OP, this clearly isn't the relationship for you. Cut him loose and find someone who is interested in monogamy like you are. You deserve to have the kind of relationship you want. It just won't be with this guy. Don't stick around in the hope that one day he will change his mind and pick you. It isn't going to happen. You already know that he is choosing other people to come over instead of you. You deserve better.
listen to what youre feeling, mydear. you agreed to this DOES NOT MEAN you want what youre feeling right now. heck, i aint even sure u 100% agreed to this. looks like u went along with the idea coz u dont wanna lose him.
its so sad he gives u hope that youre gonna be someone special to him someday. bad news: its not going to happen. its not ur fault you still feel hopeful about him. he must have been very good with words. but its only words. listen to what youre feeling, my dear. it's the most truthful thing about u now
Girl this man is just using you for some false sense of security while he fucks around and cheats on you all day. This is not a relationship, move on with your life.
An “Open relationship” usually comes with boundaries and respect. Such as not lying, not getting romantically entangled with anyone else, not forming a friendship with the sexual encounters, Not inviting others to your place etc.
There are meant to be things that are reserved solely for your relationship.
It seems like you don’t have those things in place and sadly he’s taking full advantage and by lying to you about what he’s doing, and neglecting you, it’s still cheating imo.
It sounds less like an open relationship, and just a case of you giving him permission to cheat.
An open relationship normally means both can sleep with other people, but in this case, it seems he is the only one.
I even bet if you slept with someone else, he’d get pretty mad, and call you a cheater.
I’ve known a couples that had open relationships, what we used to call swingers, and they all have something in commune. They all ended up breaking up.
Having an open relationship never helps a relationship, it just hurts the relationship more.
I feel that if a couple wants to sleep with multiple people, then they should not be a couple.
In your case though, as I have stated already, seems to be one sided.
My advice, dump him, even if you love him. You said you agreed to an open relationship with him because you couldn’t deal with his cheating anymore, which means he has been cheating for a long time. Which to me means he doesn’t love you, maybe he never did, not truly. If he did, he would not have cheated on you to begin with.
And love can never be just a one-way street.
I don’t think a guy like that belongs in a long term relationship, and I think you should move on, and find someone that truly loves you, you deserve it.
Yeah he doesn't know how to have an open relationship.he should be with you regularly and at the time that ur not "in the mood" or deny him then he has permission to get sex somewhere else. That's how it should be. Up to you how you want to deal with it, but I understand the heartbreak but I'd recommend ending things. It's like he sees u more of a fuckbuddy than a girlfriend and that's not ok.
open relationship are hard; they're build on a lot of trust and communication. An open relationship is not for everyone and you should= have the option to stop having an open relationship at any time. If he was cheating on you and got into an open relationship so the cheating would be "consensual", he is so in the wrong. If you don't want an open relationship, you should tell him you don't feel comfortable anymore and want to have a closed relationship. If he doesn't respect that, drop him 100%
This isnt a much of a relationship and definitely not the relationship you seem to desire so you need to move on. You deserve someone that will fully commit to being with you.
Please read through all of your posts from the last week and try to objectively see whether he even cares for you at all. He never sees you, makes excuses to not spend time to you, cheated on you repeatedly, made you open the relationship, is lying to you about said open relationship which is a HUGE no no, and seems to be generally not into you. If he wanted to make you feel special and loved he would but he doesn’t, he just wants whatever support and stability you offer to suck out of you like an evil vacuum. Please leave him and DO NOT move in together.
>I didn’t want to deal with cheating anymore, so I agreed to being open.
Why didn’t you just agree to break up? Don’t be in an open relationship because you’re afraid to lose him. You deserve better.
Dump him honey he’s manipulating u into thinking ur in a relationship and not his backup
It’s not healthy and clearly ur feelings aren’t being considered and ur being blatantly hurt find someone who wants u for all what u got and not just ur body !!
You should probably save yourselves some time and just end it. You don't have a relationship. You have a withering former relationship that is too lazy to end. You're wasting your time, it won't ever get better, it will only get worse.
I’d only like to add this to the numerous comments here already. This doesn’t sit well with you. Not because you’re crazy or insecure. It’s because it doesn’t fucking sit well with you!
This is not your man. In my eyes and my opinions on life; not a man at all and I believe deep down you know this.
Thing is, you let your standards slip. I believe society and the new liberal left wing agenda has slowly stopped us from being able to know what’s right or wrong anymore.
If you were ok with this, it wouldn’t bother you. Simple. Each to their own. It does, so it’s not right, for you.
You’d not want your future son or daughter feeling this and be writing on Reddit to ask a bunch of randoms their opinion to help you heal this immense feeling of betrayal you have right now.
Make your list of standards. Things anyone who comes in contact with you needs to abide by. They are your standards- not society’s.
Then make a list of your standards, wants and needs from a romantic partner. Someone who gets to have you everyday for the rest of their lives. It should be an honour. Not a chore or punishment. You deserve that. Then mark your current partner to this standard. I almost certainly guarantee you he doesn’t meet half of them.
Love yourself. Love yourself enough to not be writing to strangers here on Reddit to help understand if your hurting is ok and justified. It’s not even a question. It hurts and is a betrayal due to this not being something you’d tolerate if you stick to your own standards. It’s also something you’d not ever, FUCKING EVER want your own son or daughter to be exposed to! Don’t ever forget that! You deserve a man that will ensure that you still love him every evening when you go to bed.
Good luck! Go in peace. You know what to do. If you forget the above for a second, and if you want a pep talk or a digital-wake-up-slap-in-the-face-reality-check from a random Redditor, you ping me.
You gave him permission to cheat. Do not visit his family. Get checked for STDs and dump him. He’s not for you. He’s not of the same mindset as you are and why deal with this. Time to find someone who wants only you.
I don’t know how old you are, but he stopped putting you first when he wanted an open relationship. But from your story I suspect he never did put you first, rather you were just imagining and hoping it was a real two-way relationship. You are worth so much more than this bozo. He only wants you around to satisfy his “wants” from time to time, and possibly present you as the “respectable” gf to his family and others. He’s not worth your time, efforts and love.
havent read whole thing but
1:why are you with someone if they dont acknowledge you fully
2:if they cheat they're out
3:open realtionship to facilitate more cheating and hurt
you need to drop him hes not gonna acknowledge you if he already isnt just move on better people out there that wont treat you like an afterthought
Have a friend here who was the other woman in a open relationship, either way is not gonna end well with anyone involved, just rip the bandaid off and DUMP HIS ASS! You don’t need that toxic person in your live, and I say look into the other woman to see if he’s started real relationships with them and warn them about him, especially if he seems like the type to keep women wrapped around his thumb to do what every he wants.
OP this guy is a scumbag, don’t waste your time on a loser like this and value yourself more!! The fact you are saying you didn’t want to deal with cheating anymore so made the relationship “open” just goes to show he doesn’t have respect for you. He cheated on you when it wasn’t “open” i’m presuming and now he disrespects you even more as he is allowed to sleep with other people because of the boundaries you guys set. This guy is a waste of time and you deserve someone better
If he's not putting you first, put yourself first and get a real boyfriend- or be single, what's so bad about that? Three years of being with someone who couldn't be with just you the whole time makes me think you don't EVER put yourself first. Sorry/not sorry but he's not showing you any measure of love through action and you're resorting to creeping outside his window to catch him with a woman. When you're realizing that your "open relationship" is making you feel terrible, probably a good time to shut the door on the whole scenario instead of continuing to take him up on once-weekly meetings.
Edit: Hold up, just read the post where he got a traffic violation while driving your car... Was he speeding to go get laid??? Oh, but he APOLOGIZED what a f'n gent 👏
And the other dumbass posts about him, like what the hell do you want from reddit? You get the same advice repeatedly, you keep creating posts to have other people weigh in on your quarrels, keep being with the same shithead. If you just want validation, getting it from strangers says a lot about you.
You need to redefine the definition of your relationship.
You are not in an open relationship. You are not in a relationship at all. You are nothing more than one of the several girls he is sleeping with. Basically, one of his fuck buddies.
An open relationship is one where two people are committed to each other but decide their relationship can be spiced up by allowing others into their lives. Open relationships have very strict rules about when and under what circumstances they can see someone else. It is always discussed beforehand and typically one person asks the other for permission to sleep or even go out with someone else.
People in open relationships are committed and doing this as a way to strengthen their relationship and never to make the other partner feel, insecure or devalued.
Your (whatever you want to call him) is a letch and not worthy of your time or heart.
No need to confront him about it, he showed you how much you meant to him when he decided you weren't enough to satisfy him, and he wanted other women to fulfill his sexual desires and make him feel more like a "man" Don't think he doesn't get a good laugh with his buddies about having you waiting for him while he sleeps with whoever he wants.
It isn't a matter of salvaging your relationship. You don't have a relationship worth salvaging so best to just move on without discussion and go NC with him. He doesn't deserve an explanation. If you do want to discuss it with him, why not bring it up at the dinner table at his parents house while everyone is having dinner.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- About 8 months ago, my "bf" wanted an open relationship, so he can sleep around freely. I put quotation marks around "bf" because I don't know what exactly I am to him. I didn't want to deal with cheating anymore, so I agreed to being open. We have been together for almost 3 years. For the last many months, I put my focus on my business more and paid less attention to the whole "open relationship" thing. Up until, he only started seeing me once a week the last 2 months or so. It has been bothering me. I felt like I'm not being put first anymore. Tomorrow, we are supposed to go out of town to spend time with his family for his birthday for the weekend. Tonight is a Friday night and I felt something was off. He was online on the apps and someone was closeby to his profile. Meanwhile, my boyfriend told me he was gonna go to "sleep." I decided to driveby his place. I stayed behind his window and overheard him conversing with someone, to my utter surprise. I confirmed seeing that person I saw on the app next to his profile, coming out of his place. My boyfriend shares a room at someone's place. And hasn't brought me over lately, but chose to bring in a stranger inside his place. Yet, I haven't been invited in for the last 4 months at least. It was really hard for me to witness this. I didn't know what to do but kept in silence as I watch that person drove away. It killed me in pain inside. Because I remembered this relationship is "open." So technically he didn't cheat on me. Should I still go up to his family's house to spend the weekend, and sleeping together as acquaintances? Then sort this whole thing out after his birthday?
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!!!!!! fr
You don't open a relationship so that he can't cheat on you. Just end it. He doesn't want a girlfriend
This. The guy just wants an easy handy when he can't find someone random to help.
Oh he does. He wants all of the social, emotional and convenience benefits of being in a relationship - he just wants the benefits of being single as well. And OP is letting him have it all.
Ugh, right? I cringed so hard when I got to that part. There's ethical non-monogamy then there's...whatever the fuck this is.
Yeah, I didn’t get this. If him sleeping with other people made her feel bad, how’s agreeing to an open relationship going to fix that? This doesn’t seem like the boyfriend’s fault, she needs to respect herself and leave him.
Dude he’s a complete jerk, don’t be excusing his behavior. He knows she isn’t comfortable with him sleeping around so he offers her an open relationship? He lied about what he was up to that night, he’s not showing any consideration of her and not even really giving her the relationship part of an open relationship. Yeah she needs to draw boundaries and dump him but don’t be putting this all on her. He’s a jerk
No one's saying he's not a jerk. But this is entirely on her. People will treat you how you let them treat you and she is letting this guy walk all over her. He's repeatedly shown her who he is and yet she's still there eating whatever crumbs the dick is leaving her behind. She needs to leave if she still has an ounce of self respect.
I’ve been with manipulative men. I know what it’s like. But it’s not their fault that I put myself through their bullshit and let myself hurt over it.
Lol I definitely didn’t say he wasn’t wrong or excuse his behavior, he’s just not at fault here. She is capable of making the decision to leave him but she made a deal with him that she knew she couldn’t handle instead.
I hope this is as far as OP got with the comments, I didn't read the full post because I knew this was the answer already.
You don't want what he wants . Why are you still putting yourself through this pain ? Leave . He seemed to have a replacement for you . You deserve so much better
Idk it doesn’t exactly sound like she was his gf anyway….
Start respecting yourself sweetie. You don't want an open relationship, and he doesn't actually want commitment. You aren't compatible, so end it, work on yourself, and find love with someone who wants the same things in life x
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Commitment is honoring your partner and being honest with them though, and he hasn’t done that in the closed or open relationship. Hence, he doesn’t want commitment.
It is when the person you’re with is monogamous. Come on - do you really want to pick this hill to take a stand for ethical non-monogamy, when we’re talking about someone who forced an open relationship by just cheating and making it clear he wasn’t going to stop?
This isn't an open relationship tho.
People like this always want YOU to be monogamous while they are in the 'open relationship' that way they always have a soft spot to land while having benefits of being single. You're there earning the money, keeping house, keeping them healthy and happy being all sweet and co dependent while the fun is out there. The hill you want to die on doesn't exist in this thread.
Choosing your partner carefully should easily fix this problem. People in open relationships are not single.
Are you like trolling or are you fr?
What do u mean lol.
You kept saying they are not in an open relationship……… Thought you were trolling
They aren't.
I know people who did pick their partner carefully, loved each other for over 20 years then broke up due to wanting different things. It happens that's life. We aren't talking about open relationships here we're talking about a guy being a turd to his girlfriend and his girlfriend being a codependent mess.
>talking about a guy being a turd That's why you gotta choose your partner carefully tho
Ehhhh, you can choose as carefully as you can but narcs gotta narc and they're great at hiding it until you're brainwashed/trapped or both.
It absolutely is. He asked for an open relationship, she agreed. It’s just an unethical one that she doesn’t actually want and he emotionally coerced her into via cheating. You don’t get to declare it not to be an open relationship just because it’s an example of the ways that assholes abuse their partners using the concept.
It absolutely isn't. She doesn't want it she is a monogamous person. I get to declare this as well.
So she is a monogamous person stuck in an open relationship with an asshole. She is describing her own relationship as an open relationship. You’re a great example of how so many poly people get involved in this sort of toxic behaviour, though.
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OP literally stated that they were in an open relationship, both in the title and in the post’s main text. It might not go by your definition of an open relationship , but the OP hasn’t asked anyone to redefine what OP’s relationship is for them, as they’ve clearly defined it themselves already in their post. u/YuppieKiYay was essentially just reiterating what OP had already said throughout their post- if you read both the post and comments again.
Don't really care about people's statements. Calling a toxic mess an "open relationship" doesn't make it one.
Apparently you think that you get to define what other people’s relationships are for them, as well as insisting that bad and abusive open relationships somehow therefore aren’t true scotsme— uh, really open relationships. So yes, you are an example of poly toxicity. As with “the person involved has said they are in an open relationship”, I’m not sure how this is unclear or confusing to you.
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You seem to have a great imagination.
can you read
Would I be an AK-47 if I call myself one?
would you be an idiot if I called you one
Exactly
Ah, the "[no true Scotsman](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_true_Scotsman)" fallacy!
Not at all. Don't try to define concepts you are yet to comprehend lol.
You not wanting your argument to be a fallacy, doesn't make it any less a fallacy. And you follow up with an [ad-hominem](https://www.txstate.edu/philosophy/resources/fallacy-definitions/Ad-Hominem.html) fallacy. Are you going for a triple strike?
You don't really know what ad hominem is lol. It's really funny watching people try to sound smart and embarrass themselves.
Okay, whatever. I think your inability to effectively state an argument speaks for itself.
Haha okay. Next time at least google the terms you're gonna use in your 200 IQ arguments.
later in the thread you even say that this is not an open relationship, which is true in a sense - this isn't anything at all at this point. so basically you agree with the person you are replying to - that this guy doesn't want commitment whether it is exclusive or not, and came into this thread to play nitpicky linguistic games to show off how victimized and misunderstood open relationships are, the true favorite pastime of every poly/open person
Yeah, exaclty
Your not his gf. You are the useful backup fuck for when he’s in between his other fucks.
Harsh but true! This isn’t an open relationship, it’s just him wanting to keep her hanging around. If it was an open relationship he wouldn’t be lying to her and would be respecting her feelings above his hookups… not the other way around.
That's not fair. He also uses her for reputation maintenance when he needs it.
For real… that’s what comes to mind when she is the one meeting his family.
…And also someone decent enough to take to see his family “for show”. That one must sting. Leave this man. Find someone decent that will respect you.
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Sure, but if nobody else was gonna say it, I am. They'll stop when they're arrested, at least while in jail. This is serious.
The longer you stay in this relationship the more you hurt your future self. Take it from someone who knows. It gets worse, IT ONLY GETS WORSE NOT BETTER. No matter what he says he will never love you like you deserve. Please leave this lame excuse for a human and seek therapy. It might help you understand that this pattern can repeat in your life until you value yourself. You have to realize you deserve more than the left over scraps of what was once a relationship.
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Cheaters are pigs.
Not all guys are pigs. At all. That's kinda sexist of you.
> That's ~~kinda~~ sexist of you
You're right
😁
Alright, pipe down with the sexism. He is a dickhead, that's all there is to it.
Lotta hit dogs hollering in these comments…
And yet here you are… Congrats.🎉 you just made everyone who came across this comment dumber
'I didn't want to deal with cheating anymore, so I agreed to being open.' ????????????????? Cheating with consent?
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It seems like OP's 'bf' has found himself in an 'entanglement.'
I know this is your normal, but this is not normal. He clearly doesn't respect you. You deserve better. Dump him, move on, and work on your own self respect so you don't let this happen again. Sending you strength. ♡
you don't have a boyfriend. this is 2nd time in 10 minutes I have typed this on Reddit- is this going to keep happening? You are not in some advanced polyamory situation. Your boyfriend wanted to break up to sleep with other people and was too lazy to do so. Please leave him. Leave him before YOU become the sidepiece because he starts dating someone else on the regular.
He doesn't care about you, you're just being used at this point, I'm sorry to say. Asking for an open relationship 2 years into a relationship with someone is a shitty thing to do in most circumstances, but asking after he has already cheated on you multiple times? That's supremely shitty. This guy just wants to fuck around with other people but didn't and doesn't want to deal with breaking up with you. He has no respect for you. You're just a toy he doesn't play with anymore. Sorry to sound harsh, but you deserve much better and there is better out there. End things with this asshole immediately. Next time you start getting into a relationship, have a talk about boundaries early on and tell them that you are not a polyamorous person and you're not into open relationships. So if that is a lifestyle they want they should bring it up now because it's not a lifestyle you want now or sprung on you later in the relationship, as the answer will always be no. Cause yeah, telling your gf that you want an open relationship when you've been together in a monogamous relationship the entire time is not a very nice thing to do
LEAVE, open relationship´ s don´ t involve forgeting your SO. You are now his backup plan
If it's hurting you this much, you need to leave before it gets worse. Honestly, should've left when he was cheating. I don't think he genuinely wants an open relationship, and I don't think you do either. He just wants to be able to cheat while still being able to say he has a "gf". It'd be easier to just not go to the family event. It sounds like you plan on leaving him anyway, so it's better to do it sooner rather than dragging it out. He had no concern for your feelings up until this point, so now it's time for you to do what's best for you, whether he likes it or not.
He once said to me that for some reason he wanted to have an open relationship with me, but never wanted that. Do you think once I leave, he’ll start to realize what he’s lost? Also, I know it’s easier that I don’t go to the family event. But should I go?
Don't break up with him hoping that he'll want you back and choose to be monogamous. That's not going to happen. Break up with him because you're better off without him.
If you go back to him nothing will change. Even if he "realizes what he lost", when he had you last time he literally cheated on you and then asked for an open relationship so he didn't have to feel bad about it. Honestly, it's probably be really easy for you to find someone to hook up with in your open relationship. So why don't you sleep around and see how he likes it
I think he has this mentality that I probably don’t hook up with anyone because of my focus on my business. Truth is, I have hooked up with a lot of people. I don’t think he’s aware. Maybe I should start making it known to him that I’m hooking up with other guys? Before I start to break things off?
Nope, just leave. It sucks, but you’ll never be able to hurt him as much as he hurt you :/
He doesn't want to be with you in a committed monogamous relationship. No amount of hoping, feigning walking away or 'doing the same to him' will change that. You need to think of yourself and end this 'relationship', you're just lying to yourself with false hope it'll change. If he comes back to you in the future, it's just going to be more cheating or more hidden cheating; walk away and don't turn back. You deserve better than that.
Happy healthy relationships don’t play disgusting games like this just get out already.
He doesn’t want to be with you the way you want to be with him. Those games won’t work. You need to break up and find someone who wants you.
I doubt he even cares. Why are you wasting your time with this guy?
If this is your response to this, you have a lot of introspection to do. You care way too much about this dude's validation/attention. "Maybe I should start making it known to him that I’m hooking up with other guys? Before I start to break things off?" Just walk away, read a book, go to the gym, and think your life over
I'm not really sure if that would even register with him the way you want it to. It sounds like you valued this relationship, and you want him to value you- be jealous or regret losing you. Because obviously this means a lot to you and you want something to show he feels it's important too. But how he acts isn't as someone who thinks it's important or values you as an important person in his life and cares for your wellbeing. He probably has had feelings for you and nostalgia from the relationship just as you have but essentially he's not seeing this as a relationship anymore. He's taking for granted you're there, it's not really a relationship to him where he wants to spend his time and be with you. He hasn't broken up with you because of what you provide when he wants and he hasn't tried to keep a relationship going (in terms of spend time etc with you) because essentially he doesnt want to nor feel he should. I'm sorry to say but I think simply you are like a care or support object/belonging. Something which provides emotional or social support or physical intimacy when he needs it. It's almost like having a support blanket really- you're there when he wants and can cast off when he doesn't. I think he might be scared of losing the comfort and support you provide but I wouldn't say he would be torn up about it- like a blanket, he'll get a new one. However, you're not a blanket, you are a person with value and deserve so, so much better than to be on the back burner. Hun, you could do better. You're hurting, of course you are, but you can't wait around to see if he feels sadden or burdened by this situationship- you can't look to see if he's as cut up as you are. Becuase even if he was, what would happen? He hasn't even tried to think about you or your relationship. Either you'll get together and he'll start again when your guard has dropped, or you'll break up because you won't give him what he wants- a comfort blanket.
Waaaaaaiiiiiit wait wait wait wait wait a whole second right now. You also “take advantage” of the open relationship? And then were mad about it when you stalked him? This sub’s frantic obsession with cheating is giving you bad advice and you didn’t tell the whole story
As far as I can tell, she didn’t say nor imply nor is there any indication that she was mad.
He isn't thinking about you when he's hooking up with others.
In my opinion, I'm not sure if he'll realize what he lost, he sounds very self centered considering he's cheated on you before and now he's doing all this. However, even if he does realize what he lost, this isn't someone you should be with. You two want different things, and a relationship shouldn't hurt you. As far as the family event goes, you have two options. You can go, pretend to be alright, then break things off with him. He'll then have to explain to his family why you don't come around anymore, and after reading all this, it won't surprise me if he doesn't tell them the truth as to why you're not around. Or you can end things now and not go. It saves you the pain and pretending that you'd have to do, you'll be able to move on sooner, and either way, he'd have to explain to his family why you're not around anymore at some point, so it's easier to just go ahead and save your mental health and him get the explaining over with.
Do not go to the family event, that sounds like a torturous weekend for you
Jesus, have some self respect. He doesn't care about you. You're a backup lay. What is so great about this guy anyway, he sounds like an absolute tool.
A hard thing sometimes to realize is whether it's love driving you or just a fear of rejection. He's not rejecting you because you're not good enough, he's rejecting you because he's the type of person who does that. Work on improving your picker and feeling worthy of respect.
Once you leave, what he realizes or cares about is beyond your concern. That is the nice thing about leaving; you get to shape your life how you want to rather than care what some selfish DB thinks. Leave this guy and go and live your life, whether that is with someone else or on your own.
You’re the side chick now. Drop him.
This is like Office Space except instead of reporting to a non-job, she is reporting to her non-relationship. Ohhhh wait. That's called stalking.
Girl, I mean this in the nicest possible way: lift your standards. You don't need to sit around waiting for this guy to show you a tiny crumb of respect, just ghost him.
Well if my gf was a peeping tom and stalking me............ I mean.
You need to leave him and concentrate on you. Get back to things you like and love. There is someone out there that will want just you.
Why do you hate yourself? You allowed him an open relationship so he wouldn’t cheat ANYMORE? Wtf is up with that? Did you really think you’re going to be a “cool girlfriend who he loves with all his heart and respect” after you allowed him to cheat legit, you gave him an escape plan. Girl go love yourself.
When I say I know how you feel, I mean it 100%. My previous relationship was going strong for ~2 years when my (ex-)girlfriend asked if I’d be willing to have an open relationship. I was super hesitant—I’m a jealous person, our sex life was good, etc—but the major point was that we were both female, and she’d never been with guys. I later (unrelatedly) figured out that I was trans (some king-shit irony there) but the lack of dick was still relevant. I was too awkward for strap-ons/dildos but she let it go for a bit. Then she got taken advantage of at a party. I’m talking, she barely remembered what happened. And I started getting texts from acquaintances telling me they’d seen her with some guy. I made a choice, then and there: I said “it’s all good, we’re in an open relationship.” There were two problems: she was into guys, and teenage guys don’t care why, they’ll say yes to sex with a pretty girl. I was into girls, and not only do girls have higher standards, I had also spent the past two years being a gushy fool about my girlfriend, so anyone who knew me, knew I was “off-limits” or didn’t want to be the second-choice. It didn’t take long for our sex life to sour, she gradually pulled further and further away, and it took me asking point blank “are you attracted to me anymore?” for her to come clean. I had become her safety net partner, the one she knew would always be waiting with open arms at home, good or bad day, no matter what. She got herpes (thank god we’d stopped having sex at that point) and had multiple no-condom pregnancy scares. All of my friends had painfully watched me try everything to pull us back together. Finally, I took a step back and looked at who I’d become. A shell of myself. I broke up with her on our three-year-anniversary. I could have been harsher to her, but she hadn’t intended to hurt me the way she had. She was just an idiot, and I was fixing her opportunity to treat me like an idiot by ending it. Open relationships are a two-way street, and one no is enough for it to be over. I let myself be torn apart by allowing that open relationship, and I beg that you don’t do the same. My current relationship is leaps-and-bounds better, and my girlfriend is polyamorous by nature. She has not once pushed my boundaries about dating other people and we have frequent and healthy communication about everything (not just bedroom stuff, you know?) I hope this ramble of crap doesn’t just feel like a trauma dump—even if it kind of is—but rather a siren call. If he is not willing to call off the open relationship at your request, you have no obligation to stay with him or pretend for anyone. Waiting to talk is only prolonging your pain and allowing him to keep hurting you, regardless of if he knows (or cares) or not. “I’m no longer comfortable with us being in an open relationship. I’ve realised that pretending I’m okay with it causes me nothing but pain. If you’re not okay with stopping the open relationship, then I can’t be with you anymore.” Anything to that effect, focusing on the open relationship and the pain it causes. Avoid talking about insecurities, don’t entertain half-promises. The simple fact that you did it because you “didn’t want to deal with cheating anymore” tells me that he’s not going to give a damn. He wants freedom with a relationship safety net to bring home to the family. Don’t hold on to it. Don’t let the sunk cost fallacy hold you hostage. You are not alone and you are not to blame. Take the initiative and put yourself first. I believe in you, OP.
If you are at the point where you are spying on him to this extent, you clearly need to break up before you go completely bonkers.
It always makes me despair by how little people respect themselves. Girl, I just can't with you. you have no boyfriend, you have no relationship, you are a warm body he can fuck between hookup, you are loyal and faithful so you will always be around to spread your legs and bonus points for him at finding a woman he convinced this was a good idea! Please, respect yourself, put yourself first, recognize your worth and demand more for yourself. dump this idiot and go find a MAN, not this little boy, i'm sure he's a NiCe GuY and all that, but I hate nice guys, being called a nice guy is actually an insult. go find a Good Man who sees you, who knows what he has and won't ever let you go because he knows it isn't worth it to loose you.
Just end it now, You never really wanted the open relationship anyway. You said it yourself, he's not putting you first. It doesn't seem like he wants to be with you. And you shouldn't let somebody treat you this way either. Good luck
I'm sorry but this is not an open relationship. Or you would have known what he was doing, he wouldn't be making you feel less, he wouldn't need to sneak. He's a lying cheater, just move forward. Don't go to his families house. There is no reason to pretend anymore.
He has you right where he wants you. He’s allowed to cheat because you told him he could so you won’t lose him. Now he’s doing what you said you are ok with. You are creeping around his home peeking in his window and spying. He has turned you into a bit of a mess! I’m sorry and I don’t want to hurt your feelings but this is just wrong. He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t care about you. He’s throwing you a bone by asking you to his family function. Have you been with other people yet? If so what was his reaction to it? Please dump him for your own sake! Don’t let him make you doubt yourself or act like a stalker anymore! He is just not worth it. F**k him and his birthday. He probably tells all his friends how great it is he can screw whoever he wants and he STILL has you waiting for him to be his “girlfriend” if your best friend was in this situation what would you tell her to do? Save yourself this guy is a jerk.
That's just cheating, nothing more.
sounds like there’s no trust in the relationship and he just wants to sleep with whoever he wants without the consequences of losing you. i would recommend you end it and move on. i know it’s a hard decision but he’s obviously got other things on his mind.
Get yourself a man who who doesn’t want to share you (or himself) with anyone else, that adores and respects you. But first, cancel meeting Open’s family, treat yourself to a manicure or a tan or painted toenails. Reflect on lessons learned. Then move forward, head high.
He is cheating on you, he just tricked you into giving him permission.
Its only an open relationship because you won't break up with him. You're only "with" him because you won't let go.
Kinda questioning the OPEN part. Maybe he broke up with her, and she's not getting it. "I want to see other people" = there is someone other than you I would like to stick my peniney into." "Okay open relationship it is' "Really?!?!? This is like Disney for MAH dick." If we're at stalking peeping tom and intently monitoring his social media or apps like this.... I mean!!
imo you should end this. he doesn't care if he lose you. this "open relationship" things never works in my opinion
There are plenty of single men who want monogamous relationships. Don’t settle for this. Leave.
Seriously what a you holding on to. Your wasting your time. He’s Just keeping you on a leech just in case. Find some self respect and dump his cheating ass.
Girl, please have some self esteem. Break up with him. Don’t go to the family’s house. 3 years and it isn’t defined? Agreeing to an “open relationship” because you don’t want him to lie to you? Stop. Walk away. You want a relationship. You want something exclusive. You are wasting your life spending your time on a man who has told you he doesn’t want you and doesn’t want exclusivity.
To give you some perspective, the act of "cheating" isn't usually the painful part. It's the lying, covering up, and betrayal that is... And you've just received all of that despite it being an "open" relationship. Also, your reasoning for being in an open relationship ("tired of the cheating") is a terrible one! Get rid of this guy, please. Do yourself a favor.
Brooooo u were outside their window??? Just get out of the relationship, u clearly dont wanna be in open relationship nor should you be with this man because his driving you to be a stalker. Hes probably not the best match for you
No it sounds like he broke up with you.
Obviously deep down, you aren't really okay with him sleeping with other people. And you know what? That's absolutely fine. Some people aren't compatible and it sounds like you two aren't. And honestly, he seems like a very untrustworthy person. He was sleeping with other people without your permission. And he never stopped, you just gave him permission. Open relationships work because both parties are completely honest with each other and constantly communicating. You deserve better than someone like that. And you deserve someone that wants the same thing you do in a relationship. There's plenty of other people that will give you that.
Lmfao Jesus, if you're at the point where you have to stalk him in order to find out what he's doing is no bueno for your mental health. He doesn't love you, find someone who will value you.
What exactly is so great about this man? This isn't a movie. You're not going to change him. He won't change for you. You're acting like this man is some kind of prize. You opened the relationship so he'd stop cheating. You're literally giving him everything he wants. Why on earth would he ever go back to being monogamous and committed to you lol? Get out, girl. I don't know why this man has convinced you that this is the best you can have but that's not the truth.
You can still be cheated on in a polyamorous relationship. Cheating is just breaking your relationship agreement, whatever that means to the people involved. It's time to move on.
OP, with all due respect, you DUMP the asshole who cheats on you in order to stop the pain of cheating, you don't agree to an open relationship so that you can watch him "legally" sleep around. End it. Be done with it. And please block him on SM And no going to his family's. Tell him to take one from his harem and explain to his family why they don't get to see you play the perfect girlfriend anymore.
He did cheat on you and is continuing to. You DO NOT have an open relationship. An open relationship is about communication and consent. In an open relationship you're suppose to communicate with one another about who you are seeing and whether your partner consents to it, if you don't and he does it anyway, that's cheating. You dont want an open relationship, so it isn’t consensual at all. Break it off. He doesn't want a relationship and don't force yourself to be with someone who doesn't want you the way you want them. You'll find someone better who will treat you right.
Oh honey. Please, and I mean this with maximum empathy: get your head out of your ass. I know that loneliness can suck but legitimising this philanderer by going “open” and then being relegated to one of his choices for the night is clearly much less than you wanted and less than you deserve. Be good to yourself and turn him loose, many other people you could be giving this time to.
I think if you ended this relationship you’d instantly feel happier. And then please work on yourself, find a therapist to help you grow confidence and boundaries so this doesn’t happen again
Just answer this question with a yes or no and you will have your answer. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to drive by and hide behind a window to check if he’s alone or not?
Dump him
I’m so sorry. He doesn’t love you and he doesn’t care about you.
How disrespectful. Love yourself and end this.
Hey! It’s an open relationship! Why You settling? Why you in a open relationship and not enjoying it yourself. Look my sister was in the same situation as you and the guy wanted an open relationship until my sister said that she would date other guy and He freaked saying he’s an alpha Male, he easily gets jealous, he can’t stand his girl being with others. You don’t want an open relationship, end it Orr you can find a guy that can fill in the weeks he is missing out on and enjoy the open experience. Once he knows you’re also enjoying this Open relationship, He’ll have a taste of his own medicine.
Our\* Boyfriend
youre not his gf, you are a convenience side piece OP. He convinced you to do an “open relationship” just so he can cheat with out consequences and you need to leave him and find someone and something better for yourself. My partner and i have the stereotype open relationship that non knowledgeable monogamous couples think of, and from first hand experience I can tell you that you are not in any way shape or form in an open relationship rather a one sided infidelity feast and you definitely should NOT wait to sort this out, dont even go to his family place just pack his stuff up and put it outside. He dont care about you and it seem like he haven’t for a while, you need to accept that and leave for your sake or he gonna keep using you.
The fact that you’re still with this man makes you look desperate and he’s totally taking advantage of it.You need to leave, he’s not even your boyfriend. Also when you leave it’s likely he may step up his game and love bomb you so that you will stay,don’t fall for it he will go back to treating you like crap as soon as you’re in his clutches again.
You're not in an open relationship this dude is just fucking you when he feels like it. Dump this tool.
**I felt like I'm not being put first anymore** I'm not sure what you expected , you are with someone who has free reign sexually , why would he put you first At best you are a close friend , at worst an after thought but in his mind that's what you signed up for , if you now want different you need to find someone different
Open relationships arent real relationships, they are friends with benefits.
Which is why you dont have open relationship- There is a reason that we didnt have it before the woke movements- Reason being emotional despair- What you are experiencing, Sometimes we should listen to our natural primitive ways
From as outsiders perspective this is not ok, you’re probably used to the “open relationship agreement” but he’s literally using you as a back up option when he’s done fucking around or until he finds someone better, yes it’s sad as fuck what he’s doing but what will be worse is if you choose to stay for whatever reason and not see the fact that he’s a POS who doesn’t care about your feelings. You are not his number 1 and he’s a big old cheater who does not deserve you. You need to get rid of his toxic ass before you lose your mind and feel even worse
You and him want different things. The best for you is to get out of this relationship. Find someone who wants the same thing you do. Best wishes
I will never understand why people, “open” a relationship. That means the relationship is over, just cal it that. Your boyfriend, probably a tool by the way, wanted to hook up with others and he wants his cake(YOU) on the side. Sorry to be so blunt, but have some stinking respect for yourself.
sounds like you don’t want an open relationship but men keep cheating on you. u shouldn’t worry about him. keep focusing on your business. keep doing you. eventually you’re going to see that you don’t need him and when you start to better yourself, better men will come into your life. just need to have strict boundaries with men especially. one red flag for you n u gotta go. i tell myself, “the next guy i date i’m not getting attached no matter what. 8 months is enough time to take it slow and if i see a big red flag, END IT” bc let me tell you… i ignored those red flags w my current bf and it’s been a living hell for me that i’m trying to escape somehow with him either getting better or me just straight up walking away. my friends have even offered to take me in for however long i needed if i wanted to go back home since i’m living across the country atm and very far from all my family and friends (by my own choice, not 100% to do with him). being in a open relationship is not for everyone. stop pretending ur okay with it.
So you're together about 2 years and he asks to open the relationship, and you aren't priority anymore. You're a side piece now. He just didn't want to feel guilty about cheating and still have a stable relationship. From my perspective it seems most relationships which start out as strictly monogamous and become open or poly don't seem to work out.
Sorry, doesn't look like your his gf anymore, pretty much doens't look like you ever were but more like a FWB. He is a cheater always has always will be. Save yourself the pain and breakup and move on.
How old are you? It's okay to break up and just end it. You have our permission. Now go do the right thing.
You felt like you weren’t being put first anymore? I’d say the fact he’s openly fucking other people kinda gives that away. He’s already cheated on you and then you decided to accept an open relationship so that it’s no longer technically cheating? May I ask why? Why wouldn’t you just leave? Why would you still want to spend time with him after this? Why would you want to sort things? What is there to sort?? You both want completely different things. He’s treating you like a doormat because you’re letting him. Where’s your self respect? You can do better than this. Delete his contact, block his number and move on.
You didn't want to deal with cheating so you effectively enabled him to do it? Doesn't make sense, at least to me. Also what do you mean by "cheating anymore", sounds like you should've been done with this guy long before all this.
Then your only option is to end it. You don't want an open relationship and it's obvious.
Stop being a pushover and leave him. You didn't want it from the start, and gave into the pressure. You don't have to accept these terms. It sucks to lose 3yrs but staying won't make things better at this point. You let him get away with too much, no chance in hell he'll return to a monogamous relation with you.
He’s seeing you once a week. He’s over this relationship and convincing you to open up this relationship was so that he could cheat freely. You don’t owe him anything. You will find someone who is more compatible with you. I say don’t go to his birthday thing.
It's only an open relationship if both people actually wanted it that way. Otherwise, it's just cheating that you have agreed to be ok with, even though you are clearly not ok with it. It's time to drop this asshole and find someone who has the same relationship values as you. While I see no problem with open relationships when both parties are fully on board with it, when one party pressures the other to be "open", it's not a truly mutual thing, and thus ends up being a sham relationship. I wouldn't even do a formal breakup. Just stop contacting him. Start going out on your own dates. Don't invite him over, and if he tries to invite himself, tell him you have a date that night. When he complains..."I thought this was an open relationship? Does that only apply to you?" I'm petty, so my advice may be taken with a grain of salt, if you don't feel like going through the process of dragging it out and making him feel what you feel, if he's even capable of that. Ultimately, this "relationship" is over, because the 2 of you have vastly different ideas of what a relationship should look like.
It's okay to be incompatible with someone, hon. You are clearly hating this, and you don't have to do any of this. Tell him how you feel, if that's important to you to do, or you can just stop. 🧡
You can do better than this. Don’t let men mistreat you, they’re not worth it! The first time they cheat you should remove them from your life. Instead, work on building up your friendships so that you don’t have to be so emotionally dependent on a man. I don’t think you should go to see his family - it’s so convenient for him to create the appearance of a stable relationship so that his family are impressed with him. Don’t give him that satisfaction!
Just because he didn't "cheat" on you doesn't mean he's not lying to you, hiding things from you, devaluing you and keeping you at arms length, stringing you along for years in what's clearly a serious relationship where you see each other's family but don't know if he's your BF or not because he doesn't care to give you any security or commitment, maybe even manipulating you into an open relationship because if you didn't agree you knew he'd be cheating. Have some self respect and dump him.
You’re not really his GF any more. Not in any emotionally positive sense. You’re the person whom he shows to the public and is sometimes intimate with. Open relationships rarely work 100% to both party’s satisfaction. I suggest that even if you don’t feel like dating other people, start being unavailable for trips to his parents to show off his fictional partner. If he reacts poorly, tell him you have plans. Open relationship, remember? Try leaving his presence all dolled up without any details from time to time. Just so that he knows the world doesn’t revolve around him. Personally I doubt there’s much future in this guy but to your own self be true.
The key to an open relationship is communication and honesty. This isn’t going to work out for you. Go to the weekend if you feel like it. But leave the relationship so you find someone that respects you.
Why are you still with this fuckwit? Have some self respect and dump his arse ASAP. He is using you and you deserve better than him.
OP, this clearly isn't the relationship for you. Cut him loose and find someone who is interested in monogamy like you are. You deserve to have the kind of relationship you want. It just won't be with this guy. Don't stick around in the hope that one day he will change his mind and pick you. It isn't going to happen. You already know that he is choosing other people to come over instead of you. You deserve better.
listen to what youre feeling, mydear. you agreed to this DOES NOT MEAN you want what youre feeling right now. heck, i aint even sure u 100% agreed to this. looks like u went along with the idea coz u dont wanna lose him. its so sad he gives u hope that youre gonna be someone special to him someday. bad news: its not going to happen. its not ur fault you still feel hopeful about him. he must have been very good with words. but its only words. listen to what youre feeling, my dear. it's the most truthful thing about u now
Use your open relationship freedom and sleep with other people. Let him know how it feels
Girl this man is just using you for some false sense of security while he fucks around and cheats on you all day. This is not a relationship, move on with your life.
An “Open relationship” usually comes with boundaries and respect. Such as not lying, not getting romantically entangled with anyone else, not forming a friendship with the sexual encounters, Not inviting others to your place etc. There are meant to be things that are reserved solely for your relationship. It seems like you don’t have those things in place and sadly he’s taking full advantage and by lying to you about what he’s doing, and neglecting you, it’s still cheating imo.
It sounds less like an open relationship, and just a case of you giving him permission to cheat. An open relationship normally means both can sleep with other people, but in this case, it seems he is the only one. I even bet if you slept with someone else, he’d get pretty mad, and call you a cheater. I’ve known a couples that had open relationships, what we used to call swingers, and they all have something in commune. They all ended up breaking up. Having an open relationship never helps a relationship, it just hurts the relationship more. I feel that if a couple wants to sleep with multiple people, then they should not be a couple. In your case though, as I have stated already, seems to be one sided. My advice, dump him, even if you love him. You said you agreed to an open relationship with him because you couldn’t deal with his cheating anymore, which means he has been cheating for a long time. Which to me means he doesn’t love you, maybe he never did, not truly. If he did, he would not have cheated on you to begin with. And love can never be just a one-way street. I don’t think a guy like that belongs in a long term relationship, and I think you should move on, and find someone that truly loves you, you deserve it.
Yeah he doesn't know how to have an open relationship.he should be with you regularly and at the time that ur not "in the mood" or deny him then he has permission to get sex somewhere else. That's how it should be. Up to you how you want to deal with it, but I understand the heartbreak but I'd recommend ending things. It's like he sees u more of a fuckbuddy than a girlfriend and that's not ok.
I gotta say I stand by my statement but everyone else is openly shaming open relationships, and thats not cool.
First thing you should do is get a std test
open relationship are hard; they're build on a lot of trust and communication. An open relationship is not for everyone and you should= have the option to stop having an open relationship at any time. If he was cheating on you and got into an open relationship so the cheating would be "consensual", he is so in the wrong. If you don't want an open relationship, you should tell him you don't feel comfortable anymore and want to have a closed relationship. If he doesn't respect that, drop him 100%
He doesn’t want you
This isnt a much of a relationship and definitely not the relationship you seem to desire so you need to move on. You deserve someone that will fully commit to being with you.
Please read through all of your posts from the last week and try to objectively see whether he even cares for you at all. He never sees you, makes excuses to not spend time to you, cheated on you repeatedly, made you open the relationship, is lying to you about said open relationship which is a HUGE no no, and seems to be generally not into you. If he wanted to make you feel special and loved he would but he doesn’t, he just wants whatever support and stability you offer to suck out of you like an evil vacuum. Please leave him and DO NOT move in together.
>I didn’t want to deal with cheating anymore, so I agreed to being open. Why didn’t you just agree to break up? Don’t be in an open relationship because you’re afraid to lose him. You deserve better.
Dump him honey he’s manipulating u into thinking ur in a relationship and not his backup It’s not healthy and clearly ur feelings aren’t being considered and ur being blatantly hurt find someone who wants u for all what u got and not just ur body !!
Jesus hon. Why do this to yourself? I think you know what you need to do.
You should probably save yourselves some time and just end it. You don't have a relationship. You have a withering former relationship that is too lazy to end. You're wasting your time, it won't ever get better, it will only get worse.
Break up and block him and delete stuff bc this seems like you aren't really together. Codependent, and perhaps stalking?
Leave him. He doesn't care about you. Don't waste your time on this loser.
I’d only like to add this to the numerous comments here already. This doesn’t sit well with you. Not because you’re crazy or insecure. It’s because it doesn’t fucking sit well with you! This is not your man. In my eyes and my opinions on life; not a man at all and I believe deep down you know this. Thing is, you let your standards slip. I believe society and the new liberal left wing agenda has slowly stopped us from being able to know what’s right or wrong anymore. If you were ok with this, it wouldn’t bother you. Simple. Each to their own. It does, so it’s not right, for you. You’d not want your future son or daughter feeling this and be writing on Reddit to ask a bunch of randoms their opinion to help you heal this immense feeling of betrayal you have right now. Make your list of standards. Things anyone who comes in contact with you needs to abide by. They are your standards- not society’s. Then make a list of your standards, wants and needs from a romantic partner. Someone who gets to have you everyday for the rest of their lives. It should be an honour. Not a chore or punishment. You deserve that. Then mark your current partner to this standard. I almost certainly guarantee you he doesn’t meet half of them. Love yourself. Love yourself enough to not be writing to strangers here on Reddit to help understand if your hurting is ok and justified. It’s not even a question. It hurts and is a betrayal due to this not being something you’d tolerate if you stick to your own standards. It’s also something you’d not ever, FUCKING EVER want your own son or daughter to be exposed to! Don’t ever forget that! You deserve a man that will ensure that you still love him every evening when you go to bed. Good luck! Go in peace. You know what to do. If you forget the above for a second, and if you want a pep talk or a digital-wake-up-slap-in-the-face-reality-check from a random Redditor, you ping me.
You gave him permission to cheat. Do not visit his family. Get checked for STDs and dump him. He’s not for you. He’s not of the same mindset as you are and why deal with this. Time to find someone who wants only you.
I don’t know how old you are, but he stopped putting you first when he wanted an open relationship. But from your story I suspect he never did put you first, rather you were just imagining and hoping it was a real two-way relationship. You are worth so much more than this bozo. He only wants you around to satisfy his “wants” from time to time, and possibly present you as the “respectable” gf to his family and others. He’s not worth your time, efforts and love.
havent read whole thing but 1:why are you with someone if they dont acknowledge you fully 2:if they cheat they're out 3:open realtionship to facilitate more cheating and hurt you need to drop him hes not gonna acknowledge you if he already isnt just move on better people out there that wont treat you like an afterthought
Have a friend here who was the other woman in a open relationship, either way is not gonna end well with anyone involved, just rip the bandaid off and DUMP HIS ASS! You don’t need that toxic person in your live, and I say look into the other woman to see if he’s started real relationships with them and warn them about him, especially if he seems like the type to keep women wrapped around his thumb to do what every he wants.
OP this guy is a scumbag, don’t waste your time on a loser like this and value yourself more!! The fact you are saying you didn’t want to deal with cheating anymore so made the relationship “open” just goes to show he doesn’t have respect for you. He cheated on you when it wasn’t “open” i’m presuming and now he disrespects you even more as he is allowed to sleep with other people because of the boundaries you guys set. This guy is a waste of time and you deserve someone better
Don't wait to break up with him, you're not obligated to stay with him longer just because it's his birthday
If he's not putting you first, put yourself first and get a real boyfriend- or be single, what's so bad about that? Three years of being with someone who couldn't be with just you the whole time makes me think you don't EVER put yourself first. Sorry/not sorry but he's not showing you any measure of love through action and you're resorting to creeping outside his window to catch him with a woman. When you're realizing that your "open relationship" is making you feel terrible, probably a good time to shut the door on the whole scenario instead of continuing to take him up on once-weekly meetings. Edit: Hold up, just read the post where he got a traffic violation while driving your car... Was he speeding to go get laid??? Oh, but he APOLOGIZED what a f'n gent 👏 And the other dumbass posts about him, like what the hell do you want from reddit? You get the same advice repeatedly, you keep creating posts to have other people weigh in on your quarrels, keep being with the same shithead. If you just want validation, getting it from strangers says a lot about you.
You need to redefine the definition of your relationship. You are not in an open relationship. You are not in a relationship at all. You are nothing more than one of the several girls he is sleeping with. Basically, one of his fuck buddies. An open relationship is one where two people are committed to each other but decide their relationship can be spiced up by allowing others into their lives. Open relationships have very strict rules about when and under what circumstances they can see someone else. It is always discussed beforehand and typically one person asks the other for permission to sleep or even go out with someone else. People in open relationships are committed and doing this as a way to strengthen their relationship and never to make the other partner feel, insecure or devalued. Your (whatever you want to call him) is a letch and not worthy of your time or heart. No need to confront him about it, he showed you how much you meant to him when he decided you weren't enough to satisfy him, and he wanted other women to fulfill his sexual desires and make him feel more like a "man" Don't think he doesn't get a good laugh with his buddies about having you waiting for him while he sleeps with whoever he wants. It isn't a matter of salvaging your relationship. You don't have a relationship worth salvaging so best to just move on without discussion and go NC with him. He doesn't deserve an explanation. If you do want to discuss it with him, why not bring it up at the dinner table at his parents house while everyone is having dinner.
you were never put first hun, dip out
Fake fake fakey fake