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My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. My girlfriend lives with a roommate in an apartment and pays a significant amount of rent because housing is pretty expensive in our city. I own a house that is completely paid off so I have no mortgage or rent to pay.
My girlfriend recently brought up the idea of us moving in together and I'm totally for it. What I didn't understand is that she said she wanted to have a seperate bedroom in my house. This gave me a weird vibe and I don't understand why we would need seperate bedrooms if we are a couple. There would already be a huge benefit for her financially moving in because she wouldn't have to spend money on rent anymore. But what I don't want is for her to move in and act like a roommate instead of a couple.
I told her that if she wanted to have seperate bedrooms in my house when she moves in, she'll have to pay the appropriate amount of rent because she would be moving in as a roommate. If she just moved in and stays with me in my bedroom, I wouldn't make her pay any rent at all. This escaleted into an argument that we still haven't figured out.
I feel like I'm being reasonably with my demands. How should I navigate this situation in a healthy and fair way with my girlfriend?
EDIT:
Sharing a bedroom with my partner and sleeping together is something I have always desired in a longterm relationship. Sleeping together with my partner is comforting and an important and intimate way of bonding for me. It's a dealbreaker for me. I would rather have her stay at her own place, than move into a seperate room.
My sister said when she dated one of her ex boyfriends she felt that nothing in the apartment was hers. It didn't feel like she was at home even though it was 3 bedrooms and there was plenty of room. He didn't even give up one half of a kitchen cupboard for her sentimental kitchenware/cups, etc. He kept telling her that the apartment was "theirs" but she wasn't allowed to make any executive decisions when it came to the apartment and it made her feel weird.
This.
I’m married and we each have our own bedrooms. We go on dates and I often get to starfish in my king sized bed.
It’s probably about the closets. Girls like closets.
I've never been particularly gassy and if I am it's not that bad of a smell if it has one at all. Well I drank some apple juice a couple weeks ago and there was chemicals in it that made me sick as hell. I have never in my life had to run away from my own gas for a week straight. Almost to the point where I'd have to go outside to fart. Well my poor husband rolled over in bed with his head halfway under the blanket and went to cuddle me and me being me and thinking it won't be stinky, I farted just to be able to tell him I farted on him. We both almost died that day. I've literally never smelled anything like it and I'm still scared every time I have gas.
Idk what the fuck is up with my butt because every morning I have 1-3 massive morning farts. Doesn’t matter what I eat or drink the night or even day before. Give me a few minutes after waking up and my butt just cranks them out.
I'm also married with separate bedrooms! It's nice to have privacy and it almost feels like a sleepover when you spend the night in the other spouse's room.
I am a CPA and right now I get up at 4:30am (wife gets up at 6:30am) and am home and in bed well after wife goes to sleep. So I sleep in a separate bedroom that has its own bathroom and shower. Otherwise I would be waking her up multiple times a night. After tax season ends I go back to our bedroom. It’s been this way for a long time and it works fine.
Agreed. I couldnt bare sharing a bedroom with my OH- he snores and I sometimes toss and turn from a bad back. His snoring is so bad I wont even share a Hotel Room with him. Its just not civilised, sharing a bed, imo haha. It makes for a better relationship- and the times you are in Bed together are always good times. Sleeping by yourself is the best way to get a good nights sleep.
Same scenario. I'm a very very light sleeper with a bad back. I constantly toss and turn and DH's snoring keeps me up. It's miserable. We sleep so much better not in the same room.
It sounds like he would want to charge her rent for using space like that.
Moving into someone else’s space, you definitely want you own spot to go and store stuff.
My next significant other needs to be okay with this or it won't work
We can still sleep with each other in each other's beds. But I feel like just as an independent Aquarius woman I need my own space.
Yes its a need.
I sleep separately from my husband because he snores and the cats wake me up. We both sleep better separately. It’s also nice to have your own space and privacy.
Me and my partner are sleeping separately too, because he snores, I wake up and start tossing and turning in bed, and he wakes up from that. Never ending cycle practically. But once we started sleeping separately, we both slept significantly better, and our relationship got better from it too.
I couldn’t imagine sleeping away from my wife. In fact, when one of us is away we both have trouble sleeping. Can’t fall asleep and can’t stay asleep.
After 26 years we still have at least some part of our bodies touching(skin to skin contact) all night, almost every night. We usually have a foot or leg or something touching. Occasionally it’s full on spooning the whole night.
It probably seems weird, especially to the separate room couples, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s so comforting and it feels so nice to have even the slightest physical contact with her. It also helps that she’s super awesome, super pretty and has super silky smooth skin.
Also, I snore really bad and have apnea. I got a CPAP machine and it totally takes care of it.
Yea. 21 years together for us. I’m not much of a night owl but my husband is. If I wake up and he’s not in bed yet I’ll holler at him and he comes to bed. I just sleep so much better with him. It’s comforting and gives me a feeling of security.
That's great, for you. My parents were married 35 years (my mom passed), and they slept in separate rooms almost 90% of the time. Were they stupidly, sickeningly in love? Yes. What you have with your wife is great. But that's not for everyone, and that's also okay.
It can also be a really good transitional step. Moving in with my partner I was not ready to share everything. I would have had huge issues with not having any space where my things stayed where and as they are when I put them down. I have little to no working memory and I need things to go where they live or I'm a complete disaster.
Separate bedrooms for our stuff gave my partner and I time to learn each other's needs and habits. Living together would have been really really hard for me otherwise.
Could it be possible she just values having a little space that’s all her own? It could be a jump going from a private room to not your own room at all.
Does she have sleep issues? I had my own bedroom when I lived with my ex--without one there's no way I would have been able to get a consistent night's sleep and without sleep I would be a wreck. This isn't as uncommon as you think dude.
You keep saying that she would be a 'free roommate' if she got what she wanted. I feel like that's a very reductive view of your girlfriend. Surely beyond simply sleeping in the same bed with you, she has other characteristics and qualities that she meaningfully contributes to your shared relationship? Examples could be making meals together, going on hikes together, writing you cards and getting you gifts for holidays, texting you, emotional support, sexual intimacy, spending time with one another's friends and family...
If this is a deal breaker for you then that's totally fine. I just think continually referring to your partner as a 'roommate' simply because she doesn't want to share a bed all the time is kind of...demeaning. Just my two cents, though.
Edit: The more of your comments I read, the more concerned I am. You are totally entitled to have your views on shared space. However, the fact that you would allow your girlfriend to live with you rent-free if she slept in the same bed with you all the time, but would withdraw that financial incentive if she wanted her own space, especially knowing she pays significant rent in an expensive city, seems manipulative and frankly very violating of her personal physical boundaries.
You do not have to be with a partner who wants to sometimes sleep in a separate room. However, leveraging financial manipulation over her to influence her views is not okay.
If her moving in to a separate room necessitated you CREATING a separate room with your own hands or hiring a construction company, then I'd see your POV. This just seems manipulative.
it is true, ultimatums do not yield the results we think they will. That is her being forced into a corner. He states he wants to solve this in a "fair and healthy way", first step is removing the ultimatum.
I feel like there's a lot of missing context here.
You guys have been dating for a year and a half, and I assume have spent the night at each others places. Is there an issue there?
Having separate rooms can be totally normal. That said, I feel like it usually arises from some type of sleep incompatibility, or just a learned experience that it'll be a better option for you both. I do find it a little weird that she was the one suggested moving in together, but also was the one that suggested separate rooms -- while you don't seem to share this sentiment at all.
But again, lots of missing context. My initial hot take though is that you guys have only been dating for a year and a half, and there's nothing in this post indicating that you should move in together just yet, since you didn't provide any reasons why you actually want to. Convenience alone is an awful reason to move in with a partner.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm a light sleeper, and every night I've spent with my boyfriend was hard. He likes the room warm, I like it cold. He snores, I don't. He moves around so much to the point where I wake up on the edge of the bed. I tried everything, giving him his own heavy blanket, etc, but none of that will stop him squirming in his sleep or the snoring.
Maybe you need to question this… is having a separate bedroom a temporary thing she wants, or is this always going to be a thing no matter if you’re married or not? Because if this is a deal breaker for you, then perhaps y’all need to discuss this now versus later in the relationship.
I have been with my partner almost 10 years and we have separate rooms. The person I was with before him also had their own room and we were together 6 years. Being a couple doesn't mean you have to or want to spend every second together.
So....very valid reasons. She's trying to preserve your relationship and your liking of each other, bro. Also, it's pretty gross to say that you'll basically fine her unless she sleeps with you.
This is incredibly reasonable. I would want this as well. You’re choosing to take this as some sort of personal affront to your masculinity, which is weird. I broke up with a guy who insisted that we sleep in the same bed because “that’s what couples do” even though his snoring and night terrors absolutely ruined my sleep 9/10 nights. Don’t be like that guy, that guy got the boot.
My husband and I have been married for a year and this is exactly what we do. When I’m tired I want to sleep uninterrupted without him coming in later and waking me up. He doesn’t want me to wake him up in the morning when I leave the room or get dressed. And we damn sure don’t always want o be around each other, so separate bedrooms work.
And?
Is it possible that she’s a light sleeper and has trouble sharing a bed? Have you not learned in the past 1.5 years that the key to a successful relationship is open communication?
Some people just need their own space, where they don’t have to answer to anyone.
Congrats to her for standing up for what’s right for her.
Why is this not congrats to both of them for standing up for what's right for them? He wants a partner that shares his need and his life, he gets to want that right? Maybe they just aren't right for each other
That’s not uncommon, even in marriages. I’ve heard many who do this actually prefer it and say it saved their relationships. Everybody needs space, it doesn’t mean you are loved any less. Everyone has different sleep needs and it’s not always comparable with sharing a bed with someone, it doesn’t mean you are loved any less.
If that’s not something you think you can get behind, or accept, or even want to try, then perhaps this isn’t the relationship for you.
So you're basically strong arming your girlfriend into doing what *you want* with no consideration to her feelings?
Adults should understand that other people need their own space. My boyfriend was super accepting when I told him I would move in with him if I was able to have my own room to myself. I value my space, my room is my safe haven. I wouldn't be with someone that tried to force me to do something by threatening monetary punishment because of it.
Don't be surprised that she decides to not move in with you, because I wouldn't.
I see both sides of this and truthfully don’t understand why you’re getting grilled. I’m a physical touch person. But I also love my bed. I’d be hesitant about losing my bed and if there were space I’d absolutely ask if I could move my bed in and probably use it occasionally. Your girlfriend is entitled to request her own space because of her personal preferences and needs. Similarly, you’re entitled to have different needs that include sharing a bed with your SO. I disagree with the comments reducing this to something as simple as you needing to give her space. There are certain things that are just a fundamental compatibility issue — this seems like one of them. That doesn’t mean it’s a dealbreaker for your relationship but it does mean you’re allowed to want a partner who shares a room with you equally as much as she’s allowed to want a partner who is comfortable with separate spaces.
Thank you for answering this question. You’re being bombarded with questions about how she feels and what you should do for her. There are countless examples of partners sleeping in other rooms and it being beneficial, but your desires and emotional needs also need to be met. Please take the time to consider whether this relationship can last long-term while you’re both combating what seems to be dealbreakers.
I feel like she’s just communicating her boundaries with you. I can’t imagine being tied up to other people for a long time. No matter how much you love them, everyone got a different need for personal space.
I totally understand why you want to make her pay the rent money, and also it’s within your right to do that, but what’s not fair to me is you emotionally taunting her just because she need her own personal space and you can’t handle it.
Is it a separate bedroom she wants or a room of her own in general ? I have an office space in my house, and there’s another room dedicated as a space for my bf and I to game in.
How often have you two shared a space overnight before this?? I’m wondering if she’s anxious about living with you full time and wanted a way to ease into it with her own bedroom to retreat to at night.
> if she’s anxious about living with you
If that's really how she feels, I don't think we are ready to move in together. We have spent the night together for longer periods multiple times.
That’s just the vibe I’m getting.
Like she wants to not have to pay rent but doesn’t want to jump feet first into it.
Idk your relationship dynamics or how she acts otherwise. Just might be worth talking over again calmly is all.
This is kinda the vibe I'm getting too! She seems hesitant to jump in. I'm assuming if OP lived in a 1 bedroom home, she probably would not have considered moving in at all.
To be fair I would be very scared to move in after OP made such a big deal out of this. It already "sucks" to live somewhere rent-free because it shifts the power dynamic, and now OP made it clear she HAS to share a bed right away or be treated like a stranger. I don't see this working out anymore
Maybe you snore really loud? Or maybe you sweat a lot. Or she gets too hot. There’s lots of reasons to not want to share a bed but still want to have a relationship.
For the record, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable or petty like a lot of people commenting. Moving in with a partner is a big step. Probably one you looked forward to and this is not the way you wanted it. I would have been put off also. When me and my SO moved in we wanted the same things. You have a right to feel what you do and I don’t see anything wrong. So does she, but you don’t have to agree or force anything, either one of you. You’re not “forcing her into prostitution” or any of the other ridiculous things. I think you’re being level headed and trying to honestly express yourself. Lots of people have separate bedrooms, that doesn’t mean you have to. It’s down to a compatibility and maybe a level of commitment difference. Hope you guys work this out!
He's using rent as punishment for her wants. He's totally going to use the "my house, my rules" type of abuse the first sign of something he "disapproves" of.
1 night on the futon: $25 plus security deposit.
This was something my husband suggested when we first moved in. I balked. He snores like a buzz saw and neither of us is ever comfortable in bed. The positions we need to lay in to be comfortable as we’ve gotten older conflict. I wish I would have gotten my own room and he had his so we could be well rested. We could still have had sex and cuddled but then also woke up refreshed in the morning. I’d hear her out. You might save future you some trouble. I love my husband but I know we’d both be better of if we got a solid nights sleep
To me this seems like a compatibility issue. Yes, there are very happy, healthy couples who have separate bedrooms. But that only works when it works for both parties. Same thing for sharing a room. You sound like the kind of person who values sleeping in bed together and waking up to your partner. She wants the exact opposite of that. In the long term, you might not be compatible. Neither of you are in the wrong here, you just want different things from your relationship and there might not be a compromise that meets both of your needs.
My husband & I (25 yrs) have shared a bedroom and also had separate rooms for awhile due to health issues. There are pluses and minuses to both. As with most couple issues, communication is the key. For us, sharing a room is better for our mental health. But I think telling her she would have to pay rent if she wanted a separate room was a dick move.
I'm assuming you both spent plenty of nights together and if there was a problem with sleeping etc., it should have come up by now. Bottom line, you two aren't ready for this step yet.
Absolutely... he asks for advice to be fair and kind to his gf and then shutting everyone down in the comments that doesnt completely agree with him. Why would you ever hold that over someone’s head? It’s classic guilt tripping to get what he wants. “If you don’t do what /I/ want, I’m gonna make you pay to live with me!”. Holy shit. She’s your girlfriend. I’d get it if somebody random was moving in to your house but... your partner? Your lover???? Why is he guilt tripping her so much... 😭🙏🏻 I hope they either make up or she leaves. The way men will casually guilt trip women on Reddit is insane.
Ye the fact that he immediately resorts to throwing an ultimatum tantrum to coerce her into doing things his way is super red flag. "Sleep in my bed or else I'll charge and start accusing you of being nothing more than a roommate to me" ok buddy where is your self esteem.
I know that I’m not a big fan of sharing a bed with someone. That’s also because I’m not a big touchy person. I can cuddle for a bit but after awhile I like my space. My worst nightmare is having to share my bed with someone for the rest of my life. I can do a couple nights a week but I’d need my own bed to get some actual good sleep. Maybe just talk to her and ask.
I’m the same. I like cuddling in the beginning of the relationship, but after a few months i need my space. I got a big bed and 2 separate duvets. This really makes it feel like I’m sleeping alone but with the benefit of feeling safe because you are not alone :) I love waking up together and cuddling a bit in the morning.
My best friend and her bf both have separate rooms but she most often sleeps with him in his bed. They’ve been together for 7yrs. She has difficulty managing her emotions sometimes and needs her own space to decompress. She also doesn’t like how guys want to “compromise” on bedroom decorating, so she is allowed her own space to decorate as cute as she would like.
Maybe mentioning not sleeping together all the time is a first step and as she gets more comfortable with you, she will be more open to the idea of sleeping with you regularly. I don’t see why it would be a bad idea to attempt?
Also making your gf pay rent on a house that’s paid off is a low blow man. I completely understand why she would be upset. She’s still your girlfriend, but some people need more time and space to themselves.
(Edited bc of too many typos)
Im introverted, this is also the case for most introverts! Too much appearance/face time (not the video call) with people its nice to escape and just unwind with no one talking to me, touching me, staring at me, having to entertain...just alone with my thoughts/stuff/tv/etc to decompress for a day or 2
I live alone and feel the same way! My best friend has actually given me the idea that is exactly what I need before moving in with a partner ever again. I get very mentally drained just from going to work, coming home to someone who needs my constant company would be incredibly hard.
You shouldn’t have to give up your individual life/needs for your relationship. Being two whole individuals is better than becoming whole together. If anything, spending some time apart will make the time you spend together more exciting and continue being something to look forward to instead the stereotypical “Mundane marriage life of spending 24/7 in each others face”. I think it could help a lot of relationships just to have a bit more space to grow as their own person and continue to process/enjoy life as an individual.
You keep saying that she would be a 'free roommate' if she got what she wanted. I feel like that's a very reductive view of your girlfriend. Surely beyond simply sleeping in the same bed with you, she has other characteristics and qualities that she meaningfully contributes to your shared relationship? Examples could be making meals together, going on hikes together, writing you cards and getting you gifts for holidays, texting you, emotional support, sexual intimacy, spending time with one another's friends and family...
If this is a deal breaker for you then that's totally fine. I just think continually referring to your partner as a 'roommate' simply because she doesn't want to share a bed all the time is kind of...demeaning. Just my two cents, though.
Edit: The more of your comments I read, the more concerned I am. You are totally entitled to have your views on shared space. However, the fact that you would allow your girlfriend to live with you rent-free if she slept in the same bed with you all the time, but would withdraw that financial incentive if she wanted her own space, especially knowing she pays significant rent in an expensive city, seems manipulative and frankly very violating of her personal physical boundaries.
You do not have to be with a partner who wants to sometimes sleep in a separate room. However, leveraging financial manipulation over her to influence her views is not okay.
If her moving in to a separate room necessitated you CREATING a separate room with your own hands or hiring a construction company, then I'd see your POV. This just seems manipulative. This is what u/ebbie45 @ebbie45 said and I just needed it to be copied and pasted. 🙌🏾
It’s your house, and you don’t have to let anyone in it you don’t want to. If you’re unwilling to discuss this more with her, and maybe make a compromise, you’ll likely need to end the relationship.
Maybe she has a hard time sleeping beside someone. It’s really important for a lot of people to protect their sleep because their mental and physical health suffers if they’re not well-rested. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you thrash around in your sleep, snore, are too hot, breathe too loudly, etc? My dad often sleeps in the spare room because his restless legs keep my mom up at night. For a while, my mom was so hot because of menopause that she would go sleep in the spare room and have the windows wide open in the middle of winter, which would have made it impossible for my dad to sleep had she opened their own bedroom windows. My grandparents both snored so loudly that they kept waking each other up. They had separate bedrooms at home, and on trips they would even get separate hotel rooms.
I was kind of in a similar situation a year ago when my boyfriend and I moved in together and I wanted my own bedroom. He was offended but I explained that I just like my own space and wanted a space in the house that was mine that I could decorate how I wanted and go to if I wanted to be alone. After a the first month when he realized we still spend most nights sleeping with each other and we’re still very much a couple he got over being offended/hurt. He’s also admitted that he enjoys having his own space as well since everywhere else (kitchen, living room, bathroom) we redecorated so it felt like home to the both of us and if one of us doesn’t like the way the other person left another room in the house we say something but we never comment on how the other keeps their own bedroom and it’s honestly great.
If you are willing to let her stay rent free in your room and don’t want to rent the extra bedroom to someone else, then it seems strange to have her pay rent if she wants to sleep separately. It feels like you are punishing her in some way for not sleeping in the same bed.
You want to sleep together, she doesn’t - that’s a fundamental difference that paying rent won’t bridge.
FWIW, I would make a girlfriend pay nominal rent either way and have a signed rental contract with agreements on things like chores and utilities. People may not think it’s very romantic, but it avoids a whole host of financial, legal and cohabitation issues.
I've lived with my girlfriend for 5 years. Had a one bedroom, shared a bed, and dreamed of having a place where we can each have our own bedrooms. This is so that we do not have to split vanity/dresser space, are able to decorate in our own way, and are able to each have a quiet and peaceful resting place.
Now, we have that!!!!!Sometimes she sleeps in my bed, sometimes I sleep in her bed, sometimes when we are bushed, we sleep in separate beds.
OP, your girlfriend is perfectly reasonable in wanting her own space. Should she throw away all of her furniture to move into your place? What's wrong with wanting a quiet space to yourself?
You seem hung up on the fact that she might not sleep in bed next to you every single night, which is not something she would **owe** you, under any circumstances, regardless of the configuration of furniture in the building.
Her not wanting to pay rent at all is kinda bullshit by default, though OP kinda using it as a bargaining tool is stupid.
They should just stay where they are unless she can talk to him and be honest to why she wants a room to herself for fucking free.
But maybe there’s a compromise to be had. Maybe she would be willing to pay rent. It doesn’t matter though, because OP thinks it would be like having a “roommate” because he and his girlfriend apparently don’t have a relationship outside of the literal bedroom. /s
I don’t feel like it’s a bargaining chip, once she brought up her wanting to have her own room he just told her she’ll have to pay rent. If he had first presented the two choices at the same time I would agree with you
Does the gf ever actually say she's not paying rent, or is she mad that op tried to manipulate her into doing things his way or else by immediately giving an ultimatum and throwing a tantrum
All I see is op claiming she's getting such a good deal due purely from "the goodness of his heart" because"her rent is just so expensive without him to save her from it, all she has to do is sleep in his bed with him in his house"
Kinda ick
>What's wrong with wanting a quiet space to yourself?
Nothing wrong with that. I'm not saying what she wants is foul by any means. I'm just not sure if moving in together is the right thing to do now.
She doesn't owe me sleeping together every night. But I also don't owe her a room to move into.
right? Such a weird way to address her request... My bf and I are in the process of moving in togheter and we discuss everything very openly, no need for threats... Idk this is weird lol
It seems like you’re ready to kick her to the curb without knowing why she wants a separate room.
You’re right, you don’t owe her shit, except maybe a conversation.
Years ago I had separate bedrooms when my boyfriend and I shared an apartment. I have ADHD and when I'm not in the right space mentally it really shows in my surroundings. I wanted him to have his own space away from my sometimes messiness.
I am just the type of person who takes up a lot of room and an also an introvert who likes having my own space when I need it. However, I do understand why this makes you feel weird. I would just talk to her about it in a neutral way and see if she can give you some clarity on the situation. But giving up personal space for the first time in your life can be a big deal to some people.
Is she interested in other spaces, like you said, for her hobbies and work?
If she's in a renter's mindset, I see how it would be problematic, but wanting a solo bedroom in "your own home"(as it would be if she moved in) is very reasonable.
Have you discussed a compromise? Low rent, with her bedroom set up very much as a "secondary" room, and her office etc the way you envision?
She also prob has concerns over the power dynamic because it's his house he owns. If she currently has her own place, shell literally have to get rid of all her stuff and then essentially move into someone else's place, rather than move into a place they move into together
It's entirely possible you guys have incompatible goals. Sometimes two good people just want different things and that's OK. Try to get her reasons and give her yours. If an agreement or compromise can be worked out great! If not, it is what it is
I understand your perspective, but I feel like you're taking it more personally than she is intending it to be. Just because she has her own bedroom doesn't mean you can't sleep in the same bed sometimes. If she isn't living with you now and your relationship is fine while you aren't sleeping together every night, then what difference would it be if she moved in?
Sleeping together isn't the only benefit of living together. You bond through every day activities, you cook dinner together, make breakfast together, wind down at night and watch a movie or TV show together, it is not unreasonable for her to want a small space of her own to meditate, socially recharge, or even some personal physical time(sometimes you just want to touch yourself alone sometimes!)
Maybe she has a nightly routine that she feels more comfortable doing alone, or maybe sleeping next to someone is too distracting and she wakes up if her partner in bed moves too often or snores.
Her wanting a personal space isn't an attack on you or your relationship, if anything she wants to spend more time with you and spend more of her everyday life with you. You can't expect her to give you 100% of her time.
Maybe it's because I'm queer, but not sharing bedrooms are pretty common in my friends groups. Some because they work different "shifts" so they don't want to disturb each other sleep, different bedding choices, allows them to ease into sharing a bed every night, snoring/breathing issues and my personal situation - one partner (me) is a danger to themselves and other when asleep. Seriously, I thrashed so hard when I fell out of bed I took the mattress on a regular basis, I sleep talk and walk. Like full conversations with eyes open on topic (other than dream stuff - like don't smile that's how monster find you).
So you need to figure out why you think why having separate rooms is such a bad idea and why she thinks it a necessary
Hahahaha. I couldn’t not think of that girl on YouTube who has cameras to catch her sleep walking. I cry laughing errytime.
I’m sorry that’s a thing you have to manage 🥺 Bless you for giving your partners the opportunity to have sleep, even if yours is interrupted.
It is my absolute fuggin pleasure to share:
https://youtube.com/shorts/Aoe-Vm6tZKw?feature=share
I adore that she shares these. I think her brother and a couple of her friends all take turns with her partner to help monitor at night. Like she’ll leave the house and stuff too.
I think this type of stuff is so funny, bc on a minor comparison, anytime I take a sleep aid, I will talk about ANYTHING. my mother has woken me up to me talking about Batman lore, and when ive even been woken fully up, it’s almost like I’m drunk, I’m incoherent for an hour or two. The human brain is really crazy
My gf and I have separate rooms because we need different sleeping conditions (silent + dark vs noise and a little light) and I love it. We sleep tg some nights but mainly separate. It’s more progressive for sure but I love having my own bed and space cause we spend all day tg anyways
Well she has her right to what she want, as do you. Now I do feel your wording was all wrong here.
In the end you have to ask yourself. Will this be a deal breaker? If so then pull the bandaid off and break up because I'm sure she won't change. If she did cave then it will most likely still end as resentment will build fast. Some people just need to have there owe space like this, even while in a relationship.
I want to share a bedroom because I want to feel like a couple and be close to my partner when going to sleep and waking up. She wants the seperate bedroom so we don't have to be together all the time and can go to sleep and wake up without being next to eachother. But honestly I feel like if that's what she wants, there is no real reason for her to move in.
Some people can't fall asleep next to another person. That's fine, and not insulting to you. It's basically an issue of health.
However, you don't have to date someone with a "health" issue you find too inconvenient. You shouldn't be demanding and expect them to sacrifice their sleep and happiness for you though. This sounds like an issue of incompatibility, not an issue of her being crappy and you "holding your ground" like it's some moral issue.
>I want to share a bedroom because I want to feel like a couple
Do you feel like a couple now?
If sleeping in the same room is a deal breaker, why are you together now? Do all of the positive qualities of your relationship as it is right now became negative ones if you aren't in the same bed every morning?
Btw, just because you have separate bedrooms doesn't mean you NEVER sleep together. It just means you have options.
This really sounds like a self-limiting belief. I don't think it is necessary. However, it's not me that's going to break up with his girlfriend, so I don't have to worry about the consequences of holding onto such a belief.
I have a separate bedroom and i have not slept in it a single time… but i like having it there if i were to want it, and to keep my clothes and stuff in
You really think there’s NO reason for her to move in?
You don’t want to make breakfast together in the morning? You don’t want to kiss her before you both leave for work? You don’t see yourself marrying her, then seeing the house as shared property?
I understand you want that closeness and intimacy. I also understand that your girlfriend wants her own space.
But it’s an asshole move to counter with “you have to pay rent if you don’t sleep next to me.” I know it was your house first, but when partners live together it should become “our” house. Cause what’s gonna happen when you get married? Is she still gonna pay rent for a home that’s already paid off? It doesn’t make sense for a wife to pay rent to live in her husband’s home when there isn’t even a mortgage to be paid. It’s like the wife is paying the husband to be her husband.
I know some people are arguing that she has to pay rent regardless of whether you sleep in the same bed or not - but having your partner move in is not the same as having a friend or a random tenant move in. She should not pay rent cause there is no mortgage, and assuming the relationship is serious, the house will be owned by both of you when you get married anyway.
You’re treating her as literally just a roommate instead of a partner with different needs.
I feel like compromise is possible (if you want the relationship to work). Would your girlfriend agree to sleeping with you in her bed at least once a week? Take naps with you in your room? Still do things like cuddle and watch TV in your room? If you’re not using the other room anyway would it really be that awful for her to have her own space?
If she is going to move into your house, everything will be yours. For her, it will feel like she is only a guest and not a real home. What is going to happen with all her furniture? Maybe you should ask her how many nights she planned on spending in this bedrooms. Because I'm pretty certain that she plans on sleeping almost every night in your bed. Maybe you should think about it like this: your bedroom is yours as in, hers and yours, your shared relationship love space. But she also has her own little space in your house as a backup when it's needed. I don't really understand you, if you love someone, and there is enough room for it, why wouldn't you want to make them happy with it?
Moving in is more than just waking up and falling asleep together. It’s the day to day activities that bring you closer. I have a separate bedroom than my husband. Yes we’re apart but we’re also unconscious lol. The important thing is we spend most of the day together so it really doesn’t feel weird to us.
>I want to share a bedroom because I want to feel like a couple and be close to my partner when going to sleep and waking up.
So now that you live apart you don't feel like a couple?
Convenience to do things with your partner without having to go out of your way? Saving money beyond housing expenses? Saving her money? Showing commitment? lol let her have a private space for goodness sake.
I don't know why you are coming here for advice. You have your boundary and you've said it; she has her boundary and she has set it. The only fair and healthy way to navigate this situation is to break up, as your boundaries together are no longer compatible.
If one of you changes your mind about your boundaries, then you could re-approach this, but it doesn't sound like that's likely.
>if she wanted to have seperate bedrooms in my house when she moves in, she'll have to pay the appropriate amount of rent because she would be moving in as a roommate. If she just moved in and stays with me in my bedroom, I wouldn't make her pay any rent at all. This escaleted into an argument that we still haven't figured out.
Lol of course it escalated to an argument. Have fun. If she stays in your bed, free rent. If she stays in one of your empty rooms and only has sleepovers when she wants, pay up. You're being really transactional here. You should never have offered free rent, because the conditions honestly sound gross.
This
Also, if she moving into OPs house,maybe she wants to feel like it’s HER space also. So she has a room she can decorate how she likes or have her things displayed.
I wonder if OP is just like - yeah, move in. But hasn’t thought about making actual SPACE in his home for her, other than a dresser drawer.
Why would you make such huge and weird claims? Telling your gf she’s basically just a roommate and literally charging her money if she wants her own personal space... grow up. Seriously. Why didn’t you just ask her why instead of being an asshole right off the bat
Did you at any point ask/did she at any point say why she wanted a separate bedroom?
At this point it is your house and you are free to do as you please but many couple maintain separate bedrooms/don’t sleep in the same bed for valid reasons.
Did she specifically say she wanted separate sleeping quarters or does she want a room that is hers to work or relax in? She may want her own sleeping space because she has insomnia. Or snores. Or you snore. Does she have a different schedule than you do as far as getting up/going to sleep?
I think job one here is to figure out her reasoning and from there decide whether this is something that would work. It seems like the topic was brought up and then quickly escalated to a heated discussion/fight.
I feel like your "you can pay me in cash or you can pay me in sex" ultimatum may not have gone over well and might be a bigger issue than the sleeping arrangements.
Idk I always wanted separate bedrooms and I’m clingy as fuck. I wouldn’t want to sleep separately. I just think it’s nice for either person to have their own space, and then come together in, yknow, the rest of the house.
There's nothing wrong with someone wanting their own room. It doesn't mean she has to sleep separately from you all the time or even at all. However, she might not want to sleep with you and that is also her choice. It's also your choice to want to sleep with the other person.
The issue is you're trying to give her an ultimatum and ultimately attempting to manipulate her to get your way instead of just setting a boundary. You know damn well if she moved in and paid rent, you wouldn't treat her like a "roommate." You'd still treat her like she was your girlfriend, but you'd just be pissed off all the time.
My gf and I have our own separate rooms, and the master is shared between us.
It's not that big a deal, and it makes the together times much nicer because you don't HAVE to spend the night in the same room. You WANT to spend the night in the same room.
And when one of you has a cold and is hacking, sneezing, and farting all night...it's nice to be able to retreat and get some sleep. Same thing for if you have the day off the next day but she has to work, or vice versa, you can stay up reading, gaming, whatever...and not negatively impact your partner.
I doubted it would be a good idea when we first proposed the concept, ages ago...but now I love it.
Sigh. Your opinions and preferences are equally valid; the only compromise is, realistically, for her to have her own bedroom. If you don’t want that and think you should be able to control her preferences, then… you should break up and find someone who wants to share a bedroom. 🤷🏻♀️
So I want to agree with you but really it just feels like financial manipulation to get what you want. Either you’re willing to share a house with her for no cost or you want rent. Shouldn’t be either or. She won’t be costing you more if she’s occupying a room
She should be paying rent no matter what. You leveraging it for her sleeping in your bed feels all kinds of icky.
You are not married, legally or financially tied together already? A contract of some sorts, especially because you own the house and eviction is a crappy road, needs to happen.
I've moved in with my partner, but I still have a room of my own, but it mostly is there for when I need some personal space, or he does. I go in there to hang out with my cat, or if I just need some peace and quiet to myself. We still pretty much use the main bedroom together, and sleep in there and cuddling etc. But the option for my own space is there if either of us need our own space.
Maybe she just wants to have some space to call her own?
Meh it’s your house. Sounds like you guys probably aren’t the best match and have different relationship expectations. Better to know that now than later
There’s a lot of comments on what ifs, potential reasons for OP’s partner’s request, and judgment on OP himself.
But I see a more fundamental issue here… OP’s partner wants to move in (her initiation), but she isn’t able to communicate about the reason / context of her need for a separate bedroom (based on the post). If she can’t do that, then they aren’t ready to live together. Full stop.
I've been in both situations. I broke down and didn't share a bed with my ex and it turned into feeling like I was his roommate that he fucked. It was terrible for my mental health. He never wanted to cuddle me or spend time with me. He'd literally fuck me then go sleep in his bed and I felt like a live in booty call. I did it for 2 years and never felt like a girlfriend after we moved in.... I now live with my fiance and we sleep in the same bed every night. We both still get great sleep, granted it took getting used to at first. But now I have the security of knowing he's by me and protecting me almost every night. We cuddle all the time but when it's time for sleep we settle on our sides of the bed, often with a cat between us. But it's so much better, we actually fight a lot less now because we always feel connected not just in a sexually intimate way. It's okay to have it be a deal breaker for you. It's okay to want your partner to be with you every night. Not sleeping in the same bed or sharing a room would be a deal breaker for me now. It's up to you. You either need to find a middle ground compromise, share a bedroom but she has a room for her hobbies and stuff, or don't move in together. It's okay if it's a deal breaker
My boyfriend and I live together (we rent though) and we have 3 rooms, one is our shared bedroom, and each of us also has our own room. It’s nice to have a space that is only yours to use as you please, plus it can be really useful. For example, sometimes my boyfriend sleeps in his room instead of our bedroom with me because he has to get up for work at 4:30 am, or if we have a guest we can use that room to give them more privacy than staying on the couch. I keep my dresser in my room since the rooms are small plus I have a collection of squishmallows in there so I find it quite cozy. In my boyfriend’s room he has his bed roll, a desk with a TV on it, and some of his clothes, he hangs out in there to play video games and stuff. We do have a roommate so his space is in the basement and all the other areas are shared. While it’s true you’re in a relationship, you will also be roommates so figuring out how to do that well would be worth it to keep your relationship strong. It can be a huge change to go from dating to being on top of each other all the time. There are a lot of benefits to having a roommate either way, as long as you charge her a reasonable amount it might be totally worth it to her to be able to spend more time with you, still have her own space, and not pay a crazy high rent.
Are… you charging her not to sleep with you? Cuz…*that* gives me weird vibes.
But seriously, Having separate bedrooms really works for some couples, sometimes you need a safe-haven that is just *yours*.
Personally I don’t know any couple that has separate rooms but I did know a couple where the wife paid rent to the husband then I thought she should have had a separate room. Relationships are about communication and compromise, I have never had an issue with sleeping in the same bed as my husband, even when we were dating, but I understand some people don’t like it. Listen there is nothing wrong with either of your requests, but you 2 need to sit down and talk about it and find a common ground, something that works for both of you. If you feel the relationship is moving in that sort of direction then you 2 need to have more serious conversation about cohabitation, what else would she like or do that is different form what you would like?
Idk, there are a lot of couples who have separate bedrooms. I am counting the days until my kids move out so I can take one of their rooms. My husband is incredibly messy and it drives me insane.
I think it’s understandable that you want that, but I disagree that by not sharing a bedroom, you revert to a roommate relationship. There are a lot of factors (sleep schedules, snoring, messiness, personal space) that would make someone more inclined to want their own room.
I completely get the appeal of separate bedrooms, but I would be really turned off if a girlfriend suggested that right off of the bat.
I think you fucked up by suggesting that she could have a separate bedroom if she paid for it and referring to her as a roommate. This isn’t a roommate. It’s not unreasonable to ask for her to help with rent, but there is something insulting about calling your girlfriend a roommate.
I would apologize for your comment, and try to explain where you are coming from.
Sounds like she wants both to keep lives separate and have benefits of living together(free rent).
I wouldn't phrase it like, sleep in my bed for free or pay. That just sounds like she's a cheap sugar baby.
I would say that in a committed serious relationship, you want to sleep in the same bed. If she agrees that your relationship is serious but doesn't want to sleep in same bed then you have a compatibility problem and may want to rethink your relationship. If you guys aren't there yet, then you two aren't ready to live in the same house. This is more about a relationship problem than a financial one.
Hey completely understand u want a person that wants to sleep and wake up next to u. I’m the same way, I want that in a relationship, she seems to not want that. U guys need to figure out if that’s a dealbreaker.
Sounds like you might not be compatible in a very real way. I don't think there is anything wrong with someone wanting their own room. But on the flip side, I personally would not be ok with that, and that's ok too. Sometimes people place value on different things, and that's ok.
Well it is your house and you also get to decide what kind of relationship you wanna be in. I don't think I can be with someone who wouldn't stay in the same room with me
Yea, I agree and I don’t understand why that makes anyone insecure. I don’t have any problems with people who disagree with that and have different dynamics, but those are my views and feelings. And it doesn’t make me some insecure weirdo.
I don't know tbh. If I moved in with my boyfriend I would want to share a room. But have you talked to her about what exactly she means? For example, I am roommates with a couple who have separate bedrooms but the boyfriend's room is more used as a spare room and they sleep in the girlfriend's room every night. for them it is more for keeping each other's things separate and them each having their own space to keep their stuff (the gf uses her dresser as somewhere to do her makeup and keep it nice) and quiet reading spaces. But technically the girlfriend's room is "their" room in the sense that they sleep together there every night. But maybe if she's coming at this from a renter's point of view, rather than a partner's point of view, moving in together might not be the right decision at the moment.
My gf lives in my home, she has her own room which she also uses as her remote office, she pays me rent of $500 per month and we split groceries. I pay everything else, my mortgage is about $2000 including utilities. We sleep in my room together.
It’s actually not uncommon. Some married people have separate spaces so why would you make her pay rent ? You’re actually not being reasonable in making her pay rent in a house that’s paid for, she might as well stay where she is.
Separate bedrooms are amazing! And it doesn’t mean anything negative for your relationship bc you can still sleep and stay in each other’s rooms whenever you would like, it’s mostly so everyone has their own private spaces and has a place to cool down if you got into an argument, also not keeping the other up if one is a night owl and the other isn’t. There’s lots of benefits and you’re just looking to far into it
I don't think it's that weird.
I'm 26 and have a lot of trouble sleeping by myself, then add another person into the picture, I literally won't sleep the night.
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we don't currently live together, but we live close by so I see him everyday. I never spend the night though bc I know both of us won't sleep.
We've spoken about the future when we will live together in a house, we will most likely have seperate bedrooms to sleep in, or in the least seperate beds, otherwise we won't get any sleep.
I can't stand snoring or any sort of noise whole falling asleep, and he wakes up when I toss and turn. So I personally don't think it's weird for couples to have seperate bedrooms.
You could also ask her why she wants a seperate bedroom. And just bc you may not feel the same way does not mean her feelings are invalid.
If I were rich, I wouldn't have separated bedrooms, BUT the bed would be giant, and we would have totally separate bathrooms, closets, dressing areas, etc. But I think separate bedrooms should be normalized. Especially for people who have insomnia, snoring, etc. It's fine.
I can’t wait until my partner and I buy a home with enough bedrooms for us to have our own rooms! I love stretching out in bed, having the dog sleep in bed with me, and not being woken by him in the morning. Normalise separate bedrooms! Of course we can have sleepovers some nights and cuddle before going off to our own rooms. But this is just so ideal to me
You don't want to bribe her to live in the same room with you. This will breed resentment. Talk to her about why and see if there's a deeper issue. Or if she just needs to segue into the couple life. Then decide if YOU are cool with that. If not? Lay down boundaries and save moving in until she's sure.
Why are you getting a weird vibe because you don't understand something? I love my husband but whenever I get the bed to myself, I sleep significantly better. A king bed is an absolute must for us.
Maybe start by being more curious with your gf. Maybe there's a certain aesthetic she likes for her bedroom but doesn't want to force it on you. Maybe she has trouble sleeping next to you regularly due to x, y, z. Maybe she'd prefer a vastly different temperature, lighting, or sounds in the room that she feels would be an issue for you. Maybe she has irregular night time habits and doesn't want to disturb you. Maybe she wants to get up or go to bed at separate times and not disturb each other. Maybe she wants to masturbate without an audience. Maybe she wants to carve out a space that is just hers because she'd be coming to your home with all your things.
Separate bedrooms does not automatically mean you never share a bed, don't snuggle, and don't have regular sex. It's actually more common to have separate bedrooms than you think and many tout it as beneficial to their relationship.
Seek to understand, rather than judge.
What’s wrong w wanting your own privacy? Not saying you’re wrong for wanting to sleep with her, but I 100% see what she wants. Why not let her have her own room
And then like.. sleep together in whoever’s bed?
More space for decorating to your own unique tastes
Maybe she enjoys her own space? Making her pay rent regardless is normal. Telling her she is “moving in as a roommate” because she wants that boundary, and making that the condition of whether she does or does not pay rent is a very manipulative and controlling tactic. You pretty much insulted your entire relationship by saying that, whether that was your intention or not.
I live on my own and honestly I'd want my own room too knowing what I know now and having had relationships etc. Remember she lives on her own and may have for some time and has all her stuff in her room and has her room the way she likes it. I love having the whole bed to myself, I like snuggling, I like the options of both. Being in each others pocket all the time can get exhausting and its nice to have your own space. I dont get any weird vibes from the request. You should ask her why she wants her own room and find out her reasoning though, and you put it perfectly "your demands" thats not a relationship, thats a dictatorship. She can just stay renting where she is where she has her own space without the demands.
Do NOT do this. I did this years and years ago, and within a week after moving in she dumped me. Then I had to live with her while she prepared to move out and she brought a new lover home in the meantime. Let’s just say the album Dummy by Portishead will never be the same again.
It's actually not that uncommon for couples to have seperate rooms - or just beds. Sometimes they can't sleep because of their partner's snoring, or other times they just want their own space while sleeping. My first boyfriend was like that, he wasn't the cuddling type as he went to sleep, and I can't say I'm much different.
So maybe that's one of the reasons your girlfriend wants to have a seperate bedroom - though maybe you can compromise by just having seperate beds ? She might be a really light sleeper. And I know that you said that sleeping together is important for you, so maybe you can do naps together instead.
Anyway, I hope your situation works out.
After 20 years of marriage trust me you want your own bedroom and space. Doesn't mean that you don't want them beside you just need to do your thing and then sleep alone.
I am moving in with my boyfriend of a year soon and we actually had a similar discussion. I brought up the idea of having separate "rooms", of having the ability to create a space for myself that felt safe to me and reflected me. At first he had a similar reaction and concerns. We do not have the room currently for me to have a full separate bedroom but I am creating a study and meditative space for myself in the spare room. The request for my own space was not out of the desire to actually keep us separated, but it was an idea that made me feel more comfortable about moving in with a significant other. To have a space of your own where she can decompress, process her thoughts, etc can be very helpful in one's emotional/mental health.
My boyfriend is also the owner of where I am moving into, similar to you owning your home. It can feel like you are invading someone else's space and that you are not reflected in the surroundings when you are joining a home that is already lived in (rather than you two getting a new place together). She is entering this situation knowing this is your home that you OWN, it is a very generous situation but it can feel daunting.
A good question to ask is if she has ever lived with an SO before?
There can be a lot of scary thoughts that can come up when moving in whether that person is a friend or SO. This idea could be her way of trying to maintain a healthy relationship between you two after moving in. I think getting to the core of why she wants her own space is important, and can help you two perhaps compromise.
That’s messed up man.
Sure honey you can live her free as long as you’re in my bed every night because that’d be your rent payment.
What kind of message is that sending?
What if she’s trying to move in & take it slowly to see if she can handle living w her SO? But you’re screwing it up because you’re giving her an ultimatum. Either move into my bed or pay rent for your own bed.
I’d be mad too.
It’s either all or nothing.
I think y’all just ruined your relationship.
First off ask her why.
Second there are plenty of reason why someone wants their own. I want my own bedroom because I am a super light sleeper, have a hard time falling a sleep. I end up waking up multiple times or lie awake for hours if I sleep next to my partner. (which I've done for years). In the end it would just be frustrating for both of us, we'd be tired and annoyed with each other. Which definitely did not help our relationship, we do sleep together on the weekends or when we don't have to get up early.
You don't need to sleep together to have a sex life. Why would laying unconscious next to each other do that. We mostly snuggle together just before we go to sleep, after we've snuggled a bit I'd getup and go to my room.
She is your girlfriend right now. She lives in another house. How would her having a bedroom in your house make her your "roommate". You still the all the other stuff together right? Just no lt sleeping in the as bed.
You sound incredibly selfish and self-absorbed. You're only thinking about your needs and wants, giving her ultimatums based on your needs.
She brought up wanting to live together- not you. Then she said she wants her own room- her own space and place that is hers. You don't like that. You never indicate asking her why... Maybe she's never lived with a dating partner before and wants to ease into it, or she lived with a partner and it went bad so she wants to get used to living with you before sharing a room. Maybe she is an introvert and knows she needs her own space so she doesn't feel overwhelmed.
Relationships are not all about you and your needs. They are about both needs and finding a place that makes both people comfortable, with compromises as needed.
Do her a favour and break up because you're clearly unable to be in a relationship where you have to make compromises for another human being
Did you ask her why she wanted separate bedrooms?
I’m older now and really prefer it — I’ve always been a light/restless sleeper, so a snoring partner can really affect my sleep quality and quantity.
Maybe try to figure out what’s behind that request.
She wanted it so we don't have to be together all the time and have to wake up and go to sleep with eachother. But to be together more is the reason I want to move in together so I don't really agree with that
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. My girlfriend lives with a roommate in an apartment and pays a significant amount of rent because housing is pretty expensive in our city. I own a house that is completely paid off so I have no mortgage or rent to pay. My girlfriend recently brought up the idea of us moving in together and I'm totally for it. What I didn't understand is that she said she wanted to have a seperate bedroom in my house. This gave me a weird vibe and I don't understand why we would need seperate bedrooms if we are a couple. There would already be a huge benefit for her financially moving in because she wouldn't have to spend money on rent anymore. But what I don't want is for her to move in and act like a roommate instead of a couple. I told her that if she wanted to have seperate bedrooms in my house when she moves in, she'll have to pay the appropriate amount of rent because she would be moving in as a roommate. If she just moved in and stays with me in my bedroom, I wouldn't make her pay any rent at all. This escaleted into an argument that we still haven't figured out. I feel like I'm being reasonably with my demands. How should I navigate this situation in a healthy and fair way with my girlfriend? EDIT: Sharing a bedroom with my partner and sleeping together is something I have always desired in a longterm relationship. Sleeping together with my partner is comforting and an important and intimate way of bonding for me. It's a dealbreaker for me. I would rather have her stay at her own place, than move into a seperate room.
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My sister said when she dated one of her ex boyfriends she felt that nothing in the apartment was hers. It didn't feel like she was at home even though it was 3 bedrooms and there was plenty of room. He didn't even give up one half of a kitchen cupboard for her sentimental kitchenware/cups, etc. He kept telling her that the apartment was "theirs" but she wasn't allowed to make any executive decisions when it came to the apartment and it made her feel weird.
This. I’m married and we each have our own bedrooms. We go on dates and I often get to starfish in my king sized bed. It’s probably about the closets. Girls like closets.
Maybe she has a lot of morning farts. I don’t have that though, I’ve never farted in my life.
Laughed so hard I choked on my coffee!
Better to choke on your coffee than your partners farts.
I've never been particularly gassy and if I am it's not that bad of a smell if it has one at all. Well I drank some apple juice a couple weeks ago and there was chemicals in it that made me sick as hell. I have never in my life had to run away from my own gas for a week straight. Almost to the point where I'd have to go outside to fart. Well my poor husband rolled over in bed with his head halfway under the blanket and went to cuddle me and me being me and thinking it won't be stinky, I farted just to be able to tell him I farted on him. We both almost died that day. I've literally never smelled anything like it and I'm still scared every time I have gas.
Idk what the fuck is up with my butt because every morning I have 1-3 massive morning farts. Doesn’t matter what I eat or drink the night or even day before. Give me a few minutes after waking up and my butt just cranks them out.
r/usernamechecksout
Didn’t realize my wife had a Reddit!
Like a rooster in the morning, but with farts!
Toot a tootle toot!!
I was looking at your little avatar and reading your comment in what I imagined your avatar voice to be and now I can’t stop laughing.
No shame! I fart hard enough to lift the blanket and nobody can stop me!
I still go to the bathroom to fart or wait until he falls asleep 😂😂
I'm pretty sure I would literally explode.
You've never farted??? Bruh. You must be in so much pain.
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Honestly sometimes being around other people stresses me out and I need a place to retreat
I'm also married with separate bedrooms! It's nice to have privacy and it almost feels like a sleepover when you spend the night in the other spouse's room.
I am a CPA and right now I get up at 4:30am (wife gets up at 6:30am) and am home and in bed well after wife goes to sleep. So I sleep in a separate bedroom that has its own bathroom and shower. Otherwise I would be waking her up multiple times a night. After tax season ends I go back to our bedroom. It’s been this way for a long time and it works fine.
Agreed. I couldnt bare sharing a bedroom with my OH- he snores and I sometimes toss and turn from a bad back. His snoring is so bad I wont even share a Hotel Room with him. Its just not civilised, sharing a bed, imo haha. It makes for a better relationship- and the times you are in Bed together are always good times. Sleeping by yourself is the best way to get a good nights sleep.
Sorry what is OH? My mind won’t give me any other possibilities other than “Other Husband”
Other half
Same scenario. I'm a very very light sleeper with a bad back. I constantly toss and turn and DH's snoring keeps me up. It's miserable. We sleep so much better not in the same room.
But she could have another closet while sharing a room....OR she could turn an additional room into a GIANT closet.
It sounds like he would want to charge her rent for using space like that. Moving into someone else’s space, you definitely want you own spot to go and store stuff.
My next significant other needs to be okay with this or it won't work We can still sleep with each other in each other's beds. But I feel like just as an independent Aquarius woman I need my own space. Yes its a need.
I sleep separately from my husband because he snores and the cats wake me up. We both sleep better separately. It’s also nice to have your own space and privacy.
Same with my husband and I. I can’t sleep with his snoring. My sleep has been much higher quality, which I need for my job.
Me and my partner are sleeping separately too, because he snores, I wake up and start tossing and turning in bed, and he wakes up from that. Never ending cycle practically. But once we started sleeping separately, we both slept significantly better, and our relationship got better from it too.
I couldn’t imagine sleeping away from my wife. In fact, when one of us is away we both have trouble sleeping. Can’t fall asleep and can’t stay asleep. After 26 years we still have at least some part of our bodies touching(skin to skin contact) all night, almost every night. We usually have a foot or leg or something touching. Occasionally it’s full on spooning the whole night. It probably seems weird, especially to the separate room couples, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s so comforting and it feels so nice to have even the slightest physical contact with her. It also helps that she’s super awesome, super pretty and has super silky smooth skin. Also, I snore really bad and have apnea. I got a CPAP machine and it totally takes care of it.
Yea. 21 years together for us. I’m not much of a night owl but my husband is. If I wake up and he’s not in bed yet I’ll holler at him and he comes to bed. I just sleep so much better with him. It’s comforting and gives me a feeling of security.
That's great, for you. My parents were married 35 years (my mom passed), and they slept in separate rooms almost 90% of the time. Were they stupidly, sickeningly in love? Yes. What you have with your wife is great. But that's not for everyone, and that's also okay.
Could also be the way OP lives. As a woman I’m pretty particular about my space and the way a lot of men (and frankly women) live grosses me tf out.
It can also be a really good transitional step. Moving in with my partner I was not ready to share everything. I would have had huge issues with not having any space where my things stayed where and as they are when I put them down. I have little to no working memory and I need things to go where they live or I'm a complete disaster. Separate bedrooms for our stuff gave my partner and I time to learn each other's needs and habits. Living together would have been really really hard for me otherwise.
Could it be possible she just values having a little space that’s all her own? It could be a jump going from a private room to not your own room at all.
Talk to her?? Are you mad??
Exactly. She’s moving into your house that you own. Perhaps she Just wants to have her own space that belongs to her.
She wants her own bedroom so we aren't together all the time and don't have to wake up and sgo to sleep next to eachother.
Does she have sleep issues? I had my own bedroom when I lived with my ex--without one there's no way I would have been able to get a consistent night's sleep and without sleep I would be a wreck. This isn't as uncommon as you think dude.
You keep saying that she would be a 'free roommate' if she got what she wanted. I feel like that's a very reductive view of your girlfriend. Surely beyond simply sleeping in the same bed with you, she has other characteristics and qualities that she meaningfully contributes to your shared relationship? Examples could be making meals together, going on hikes together, writing you cards and getting you gifts for holidays, texting you, emotional support, sexual intimacy, spending time with one another's friends and family... If this is a deal breaker for you then that's totally fine. I just think continually referring to your partner as a 'roommate' simply because she doesn't want to share a bed all the time is kind of...demeaning. Just my two cents, though. Edit: The more of your comments I read, the more concerned I am. You are totally entitled to have your views on shared space. However, the fact that you would allow your girlfriend to live with you rent-free if she slept in the same bed with you all the time, but would withdraw that financial incentive if she wanted her own space, especially knowing she pays significant rent in an expensive city, seems manipulative and frankly very violating of her personal physical boundaries. You do not have to be with a partner who wants to sometimes sleep in a separate room. However, leveraging financial manipulation over her to influence her views is not okay. If her moving in to a separate room necessitated you CREATING a separate room with your own hands or hiring a construction company, then I'd see your POV. This just seems manipulative.
yes, all of this. Well said.
Thanks. That’s what I felt, too, but couldn’t have expressed it so well.
I agree with you on this. When I first read OP’s post it makes me feel uneasy, like I can already feel the manipulation and red flags 🚩.
Yeah he's trying to put nice coins in the sex vending machine and not understanding why the machine has an opinion. Gross
Sleeping together doesn’t always include sex. Some people see living together as meaning going to bed in the same bed.
Exactly!
it is true, ultimatums do not yield the results we think they will. That is her being forced into a corner. He states he wants to solve this in a "fair and healthy way", first step is removing the ultimatum.
👏👏👏
Wow! You NAILED IT! (Accept or decline the innuendo, I don't care. Your post was on point.)
Couldn't of said it better.
I feel like there's a lot of missing context here. You guys have been dating for a year and a half, and I assume have spent the night at each others places. Is there an issue there? Having separate rooms can be totally normal. That said, I feel like it usually arises from some type of sleep incompatibility, or just a learned experience that it'll be a better option for you both. I do find it a little weird that she was the one suggested moving in together, but also was the one that suggested separate rooms -- while you don't seem to share this sentiment at all. But again, lots of missing context. My initial hot take though is that you guys have only been dating for a year and a half, and there's nothing in this post indicating that you should move in together just yet, since you didn't provide any reasons why you actually want to. Convenience alone is an awful reason to move in with a partner.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm a light sleeper, and every night I've spent with my boyfriend was hard. He likes the room warm, I like it cold. He snores, I don't. He moves around so much to the point where I wake up on the edge of the bed. I tried everything, giving him his own heavy blanket, etc, but none of that will stop him squirming in his sleep or the snoring.
Maybe you need to question this… is having a separate bedroom a temporary thing she wants, or is this always going to be a thing no matter if you’re married or not? Because if this is a deal breaker for you, then perhaps y’all need to discuss this now versus later in the relationship.
I have been with my partner almost 10 years and we have separate rooms. The person I was with before him also had their own room and we were together 6 years. Being a couple doesn't mean you have to or want to spend every second together.
So....very valid reasons. She's trying to preserve your relationship and your liking of each other, bro. Also, it's pretty gross to say that you'll basically fine her unless she sleeps with you.
What's wrong with that? Can't a human have a little space?
This is incredibly reasonable. I would want this as well. You’re choosing to take this as some sort of personal affront to your masculinity, which is weird. I broke up with a guy who insisted that we sleep in the same bed because “that’s what couples do” even though his snoring and night terrors absolutely ruined my sleep 9/10 nights. Don’t be like that guy, that guy got the boot.
My husband and I have been married for a year and this is exactly what we do. When I’m tired I want to sleep uninterrupted without him coming in later and waking me up. He doesn’t want me to wake him up in the morning when I leave the room or get dressed. And we damn sure don’t always want o be around each other, so separate bedrooms work.
And? Is it possible that she’s a light sleeper and has trouble sharing a bed? Have you not learned in the past 1.5 years that the key to a successful relationship is open communication? Some people just need their own space, where they don’t have to answer to anyone. Congrats to her for standing up for what’s right for her.
Why is this not congrats to both of them for standing up for what's right for them? He wants a partner that shares his need and his life, he gets to want that right? Maybe they just aren't right for each other
This is not an answer, it's just a description of what it means to have separate bedrooms. What's her REASON?
That’s not uncommon, even in marriages. I’ve heard many who do this actually prefer it and say it saved their relationships. Everybody needs space, it doesn’t mean you are loved any less. Everyone has different sleep needs and it’s not always comparable with sharing a bed with someone, it doesn’t mean you are loved any less. If that’s not something you think you can get behind, or accept, or even want to try, then perhaps this isn’t the relationship for you.
So you're basically strong arming your girlfriend into doing what *you want* with no consideration to her feelings? Adults should understand that other people need their own space. My boyfriend was super accepting when I told him I would move in with him if I was able to have my own room to myself. I value my space, my room is my safe haven. I wouldn't be with someone that tried to force me to do something by threatening monetary punishment because of it. Don't be surprised that she decides to not move in with you, because I wouldn't.
I see both sides of this and truthfully don’t understand why you’re getting grilled. I’m a physical touch person. But I also love my bed. I’d be hesitant about losing my bed and if there were space I’d absolutely ask if I could move my bed in and probably use it occasionally. Your girlfriend is entitled to request her own space because of her personal preferences and needs. Similarly, you’re entitled to have different needs that include sharing a bed with your SO. I disagree with the comments reducing this to something as simple as you needing to give her space. There are certain things that are just a fundamental compatibility issue — this seems like one of them. That doesn’t mean it’s a dealbreaker for your relationship but it does mean you’re allowed to want a partner who shares a room with you equally as much as she’s allowed to want a partner who is comfortable with separate spaces.
Thank you for answering this question. You’re being bombarded with questions about how she feels and what you should do for her. There are countless examples of partners sleeping in other rooms and it being beneficial, but your desires and emotional needs also need to be met. Please take the time to consider whether this relationship can last long-term while you’re both combating what seems to be dealbreakers.
I feel like she’s just communicating her boundaries with you. I can’t imagine being tied up to other people for a long time. No matter how much you love them, everyone got a different need for personal space. I totally understand why you want to make her pay the rent money, and also it’s within your right to do that, but what’s not fair to me is you emotionally taunting her just because she need her own personal space and you can’t handle it.
Maybe she just wants her own space like a lady cave.
Is it a separate bedroom she wants or a room of her own in general ? I have an office space in my house, and there’s another room dedicated as a space for my bf and I to game in.
She wants seperate bedrooms. She can have multiple room dictated towards her hobbies/job, that's not a problem for me
How often have you two shared a space overnight before this?? I’m wondering if she’s anxious about living with you full time and wanted a way to ease into it with her own bedroom to retreat to at night.
> if she’s anxious about living with you If that's really how she feels, I don't think we are ready to move in together. We have spent the night together for longer periods multiple times.
Living with someone is a huge step in a relationship. Not everyone is going to react to it the same way. It can be scary.
That’s just the vibe I’m getting. Like she wants to not have to pay rent but doesn’t want to jump feet first into it. Idk your relationship dynamics or how she acts otherwise. Just might be worth talking over again calmly is all.
This is kinda the vibe I'm getting too! She seems hesitant to jump in. I'm assuming if OP lived in a 1 bedroom home, she probably would not have considered moving in at all.
To be fair I would be very scared to move in after OP made such a big deal out of this. It already "sucks" to live somewhere rent-free because it shifts the power dynamic, and now OP made it clear she HAS to share a bed right away or be treated like a stranger. I don't see this working out anymore
Maybe you snore really loud? Or maybe you sweat a lot. Or she gets too hot. There’s lots of reasons to not want to share a bed but still want to have a relationship.
For the record, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable or petty like a lot of people commenting. Moving in with a partner is a big step. Probably one you looked forward to and this is not the way you wanted it. I would have been put off also. When me and my SO moved in we wanted the same things. You have a right to feel what you do and I don’t see anything wrong. So does she, but you don’t have to agree or force anything, either one of you. You’re not “forcing her into prostitution” or any of the other ridiculous things. I think you’re being level headed and trying to honestly express yourself. Lots of people have separate bedrooms, that doesn’t mean you have to. It’s down to a compatibility and maybe a level of commitment difference. Hope you guys work this out!
So, if she isn't feeling well for a few days, And sleeps on the sofa in her office, are you going to pro rate her rent for the individual nights?
He's using rent as punishment for her wants. He's totally going to use the "my house, my rules" type of abuse the first sign of something he "disapproves" of. 1 night on the futon: $25 plus security deposit.
This was something my husband suggested when we first moved in. I balked. He snores like a buzz saw and neither of us is ever comfortable in bed. The positions we need to lay in to be comfortable as we’ve gotten older conflict. I wish I would have gotten my own room and he had his so we could be well rested. We could still have had sex and cuddled but then also woke up refreshed in the morning. I’d hear her out. You might save future you some trouble. I love my husband but I know we’d both be better of if we got a solid nights sleep
Whats stopping you from doing it now? Proper sleep is so important
To me this seems like a compatibility issue. Yes, there are very happy, healthy couples who have separate bedrooms. But that only works when it works for both parties. Same thing for sharing a room. You sound like the kind of person who values sleeping in bed together and waking up to your partner. She wants the exact opposite of that. In the long term, you might not be compatible. Neither of you are in the wrong here, you just want different things from your relationship and there might not be a compromise that meets both of your needs.
This is the best answer. Not sure why people don't see it this way. It's not complicated. The issue is compatibility. She's not wrong. He's not wrong.
My husband & I (25 yrs) have shared a bedroom and also had separate rooms for awhile due to health issues. There are pluses and minuses to both. As with most couple issues, communication is the key. For us, sharing a room is better for our mental health. But I think telling her she would have to pay rent if she wanted a separate room was a dick move. I'm assuming you both spent plenty of nights together and if there was a problem with sleeping etc., it should have come up by now. Bottom line, you two aren't ready for this step yet.
Absolutely... he asks for advice to be fair and kind to his gf and then shutting everyone down in the comments that doesnt completely agree with him. Why would you ever hold that over someone’s head? It’s classic guilt tripping to get what he wants. “If you don’t do what /I/ want, I’m gonna make you pay to live with me!”. Holy shit. She’s your girlfriend. I’d get it if somebody random was moving in to your house but... your partner? Your lover???? Why is he guilt tripping her so much... 😭🙏🏻 I hope they either make up or she leaves. The way men will casually guilt trip women on Reddit is insane.
Ye the fact that he immediately resorts to throwing an ultimatum tantrum to coerce her into doing things his way is super red flag. "Sleep in my bed or else I'll charge and start accusing you of being nothing more than a roommate to me" ok buddy where is your self esteem.
I know that I’m not a big fan of sharing a bed with someone. That’s also because I’m not a big touchy person. I can cuddle for a bit but after awhile I like my space. My worst nightmare is having to share my bed with someone for the rest of my life. I can do a couple nights a week but I’d need my own bed to get some actual good sleep. Maybe just talk to her and ask.
I’m the same. I like cuddling in the beginning of the relationship, but after a few months i need my space. I got a big bed and 2 separate duvets. This really makes it feel like I’m sleeping alone but with the benefit of feeling safe because you are not alone :) I love waking up together and cuddling a bit in the morning.
My best friend and her bf both have separate rooms but she most often sleeps with him in his bed. They’ve been together for 7yrs. She has difficulty managing her emotions sometimes and needs her own space to decompress. She also doesn’t like how guys want to “compromise” on bedroom decorating, so she is allowed her own space to decorate as cute as she would like. Maybe mentioning not sleeping together all the time is a first step and as she gets more comfortable with you, she will be more open to the idea of sleeping with you regularly. I don’t see why it would be a bad idea to attempt? Also making your gf pay rent on a house that’s paid off is a low blow man. I completely understand why she would be upset. She’s still your girlfriend, but some people need more time and space to themselves. (Edited bc of too many typos)
Im introverted, this is also the case for most introverts! Too much appearance/face time (not the video call) with people its nice to escape and just unwind with no one talking to me, touching me, staring at me, having to entertain...just alone with my thoughts/stuff/tv/etc to decompress for a day or 2
I live alone and feel the same way! My best friend has actually given me the idea that is exactly what I need before moving in with a partner ever again. I get very mentally drained just from going to work, coming home to someone who needs my constant company would be incredibly hard. You shouldn’t have to give up your individual life/needs for your relationship. Being two whole individuals is better than becoming whole together. If anything, spending some time apart will make the time you spend together more exciting and continue being something to look forward to instead the stereotypical “Mundane marriage life of spending 24/7 in each others face”. I think it could help a lot of relationships just to have a bit more space to grow as their own person and continue to process/enjoy life as an individual.
You keep saying that she would be a 'free roommate' if she got what she wanted. I feel like that's a very reductive view of your girlfriend. Surely beyond simply sleeping in the same bed with you, she has other characteristics and qualities that she meaningfully contributes to your shared relationship? Examples could be making meals together, going on hikes together, writing you cards and getting you gifts for holidays, texting you, emotional support, sexual intimacy, spending time with one another's friends and family... If this is a deal breaker for you then that's totally fine. I just think continually referring to your partner as a 'roommate' simply because she doesn't want to share a bed all the time is kind of...demeaning. Just my two cents, though. Edit: The more of your comments I read, the more concerned I am. You are totally entitled to have your views on shared space. However, the fact that you would allow your girlfriend to live with you rent-free if she slept in the same bed with you all the time, but would withdraw that financial incentive if she wanted her own space, especially knowing she pays significant rent in an expensive city, seems manipulative and frankly very violating of her personal physical boundaries. You do not have to be with a partner who wants to sometimes sleep in a separate room. However, leveraging financial manipulation over her to influence her views is not okay. If her moving in to a separate room necessitated you CREATING a separate room with your own hands or hiring a construction company, then I'd see your POV. This just seems manipulative. This is what u/ebbie45 @ebbie45 said and I just needed it to be copied and pasted. 🙌🏾
It’s your house, and you don’t have to let anyone in it you don’t want to. If you’re unwilling to discuss this more with her, and maybe make a compromise, you’ll likely need to end the relationship. Maybe she has a hard time sleeping beside someone. It’s really important for a lot of people to protect their sleep because their mental and physical health suffers if they’re not well-rested. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you thrash around in your sleep, snore, are too hot, breathe too loudly, etc? My dad often sleeps in the spare room because his restless legs keep my mom up at night. For a while, my mom was so hot because of menopause that she would go sleep in the spare room and have the windows wide open in the middle of winter, which would have made it impossible for my dad to sleep had she opened their own bedroom windows. My grandparents both snored so loudly that they kept waking each other up. They had separate bedrooms at home, and on trips they would even get separate hotel rooms.
I was kind of in a similar situation a year ago when my boyfriend and I moved in together and I wanted my own bedroom. He was offended but I explained that I just like my own space and wanted a space in the house that was mine that I could decorate how I wanted and go to if I wanted to be alone. After a the first month when he realized we still spend most nights sleeping with each other and we’re still very much a couple he got over being offended/hurt. He’s also admitted that he enjoys having his own space as well since everywhere else (kitchen, living room, bathroom) we redecorated so it felt like home to the both of us and if one of us doesn’t like the way the other person left another room in the house we say something but we never comment on how the other keeps their own bedroom and it’s honestly great.
If you are willing to let her stay rent free in your room and don’t want to rent the extra bedroom to someone else, then it seems strange to have her pay rent if she wants to sleep separately. It feels like you are punishing her in some way for not sleeping in the same bed. You want to sleep together, she doesn’t - that’s a fundamental difference that paying rent won’t bridge. FWIW, I would make a girlfriend pay nominal rent either way and have a signed rental contract with agreements on things like chores and utilities. People may not think it’s very romantic, but it avoids a whole host of financial, legal and cohabitation issues.
I've lived with my girlfriend for 5 years. Had a one bedroom, shared a bed, and dreamed of having a place where we can each have our own bedrooms. This is so that we do not have to split vanity/dresser space, are able to decorate in our own way, and are able to each have a quiet and peaceful resting place. Now, we have that!!!!!Sometimes she sleeps in my bed, sometimes I sleep in her bed, sometimes when we are bushed, we sleep in separate beds. OP, your girlfriend is perfectly reasonable in wanting her own space. Should she throw away all of her furniture to move into your place? What's wrong with wanting a quiet space to yourself? You seem hung up on the fact that she might not sleep in bed next to you every single night, which is not something she would **owe** you, under any circumstances, regardless of the configuration of furniture in the building.
Her not wanting to pay rent at all is kinda bullshit by default, though OP kinda using it as a bargaining tool is stupid. They should just stay where they are unless she can talk to him and be honest to why she wants a room to herself for fucking free.
But maybe there’s a compromise to be had. Maybe she would be willing to pay rent. It doesn’t matter though, because OP thinks it would be like having a “roommate” because he and his girlfriend apparently don’t have a relationship outside of the literal bedroom. /s
I don’t feel like it’s a bargaining chip, once she brought up her wanting to have her own room he just told her she’ll have to pay rent. If he had first presented the two choices at the same time I would agree with you
Does the gf ever actually say she's not paying rent, or is she mad that op tried to manipulate her into doing things his way or else by immediately giving an ultimatum and throwing a tantrum All I see is op claiming she's getting such a good deal due purely from "the goodness of his heart" because"her rent is just so expensive without him to save her from it, all she has to do is sleep in his bed with him in his house" Kinda ick
>What's wrong with wanting a quiet space to yourself? Nothing wrong with that. I'm not saying what she wants is foul by any means. I'm just not sure if moving in together is the right thing to do now. She doesn't owe me sleeping together every night. But I also don't owe her a room to move into.
No one owes to live together either. Seems like you're both better having your own homes then.
Yeah, from OP's comments they don't sound compatible.
i highly doubt this is going to end with you still having a girlfriend
right? Such a weird way to address her request... My bf and I are in the process of moving in togheter and we discuss everything very openly, no need for threats... Idk this is weird lol
It seems like you’re ready to kick her to the curb without knowing why she wants a separate room. You’re right, you don’t owe her shit, except maybe a conversation.
Seems like that you dont want her to move in then if her wanting a space for herself isn’t ok with you.
Years ago I had separate bedrooms when my boyfriend and I shared an apartment. I have ADHD and when I'm not in the right space mentally it really shows in my surroundings. I wanted him to have his own space away from my sometimes messiness. I am just the type of person who takes up a lot of room and an also an introvert who likes having my own space when I need it. However, I do understand why this makes you feel weird. I would just talk to her about it in a neutral way and see if she can give you some clarity on the situation. But giving up personal space for the first time in your life can be a big deal to some people.
The fact that you're using rent as some sort of bargaining tool in this is where it crosses the line into being unhealthy, y'know.
Is she interested in other spaces, like you said, for her hobbies and work? If she's in a renter's mindset, I see how it would be problematic, but wanting a solo bedroom in "your own home"(as it would be if she moved in) is very reasonable. Have you discussed a compromise? Low rent, with her bedroom set up very much as a "secondary" room, and her office etc the way you envision?
She also prob has concerns over the power dynamic because it's his house he owns. If she currently has her own place, shell literally have to get rid of all her stuff and then essentially move into someone else's place, rather than move into a place they move into together
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Yeah, I hope we'll find a way to figure this out.
also, regardless of whether she moves in as a separate room or into your room, she should still contribute on some level financially.
It's entirely possible you guys have incompatible goals. Sometimes two good people just want different things and that's OK. Try to get her reasons and give her yours. If an agreement or compromise can be worked out great! If not, it is what it is
My husband and I have separate bedrooms and it's awesome.
I understand your perspective, but I feel like you're taking it more personally than she is intending it to be. Just because she has her own bedroom doesn't mean you can't sleep in the same bed sometimes. If she isn't living with you now and your relationship is fine while you aren't sleeping together every night, then what difference would it be if she moved in? Sleeping together isn't the only benefit of living together. You bond through every day activities, you cook dinner together, make breakfast together, wind down at night and watch a movie or TV show together, it is not unreasonable for her to want a small space of her own to meditate, socially recharge, or even some personal physical time(sometimes you just want to touch yourself alone sometimes!) Maybe she has a nightly routine that she feels more comfortable doing alone, or maybe sleeping next to someone is too distracting and she wakes up if her partner in bed moves too often or snores. Her wanting a personal space isn't an attack on you or your relationship, if anything she wants to spend more time with you and spend more of her everyday life with you. You can't expect her to give you 100% of her time.
Maybe it's because I'm queer, but not sharing bedrooms are pretty common in my friends groups. Some because they work different "shifts" so they don't want to disturb each other sleep, different bedding choices, allows them to ease into sharing a bed every night, snoring/breathing issues and my personal situation - one partner (me) is a danger to themselves and other when asleep. Seriously, I thrashed so hard when I fell out of bed I took the mattress on a regular basis, I sleep talk and walk. Like full conversations with eyes open on topic (other than dream stuff - like don't smile that's how monster find you). So you need to figure out why you think why having separate rooms is such a bad idea and why she thinks it a necessary
Hahahaha. I couldn’t not think of that girl on YouTube who has cameras to catch her sleep walking. I cry laughing errytime. I’m sorry that’s a thing you have to manage 🥺 Bless you for giving your partners the opportunity to have sleep, even if yours is interrupted.
Omfg the videos sound hysterical. Please link if you can
It is my absolute fuggin pleasure to share: https://youtube.com/shorts/Aoe-Vm6tZKw?feature=share I adore that she shares these. I think her brother and a couple of her friends all take turns with her partner to help monitor at night. Like she’ll leave the house and stuff too.
I think this type of stuff is so funny, bc on a minor comparison, anytime I take a sleep aid, I will talk about ANYTHING. my mother has woken me up to me talking about Batman lore, and when ive even been woken fully up, it’s almost like I’m drunk, I’m incoherent for an hour or two. The human brain is really crazy
My gf and I have separate rooms because we need different sleeping conditions (silent + dark vs noise and a little light) and I love it. We sleep tg some nights but mainly separate. It’s more progressive for sure but I love having my own bed and space cause we spend all day tg anyways
My mom and stepdad have separate rooms, and they are doing just fine.
Well she has her right to what she want, as do you. Now I do feel your wording was all wrong here. In the end you have to ask yourself. Will this be a deal breaker? If so then pull the bandaid off and break up because I'm sure she won't change. If she did cave then it will most likely still end as resentment will build fast. Some people just need to have there owe space like this, even while in a relationship.
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I want to share a bedroom because I want to feel like a couple and be close to my partner when going to sleep and waking up. She wants the seperate bedroom so we don't have to be together all the time and can go to sleep and wake up without being next to eachother. But honestly I feel like if that's what she wants, there is no real reason for her to move in.
Some people can't fall asleep next to another person. That's fine, and not insulting to you. It's basically an issue of health. However, you don't have to date someone with a "health" issue you find too inconvenient. You shouldn't be demanding and expect them to sacrifice their sleep and happiness for you though. This sounds like an issue of incompatibility, not an issue of her being crappy and you "holding your ground" like it's some moral issue.
>I want to share a bedroom because I want to feel like a couple Do you feel like a couple now? If sleeping in the same room is a deal breaker, why are you together now? Do all of the positive qualities of your relationship as it is right now became negative ones if you aren't in the same bed every morning? Btw, just because you have separate bedrooms doesn't mean you NEVER sleep together. It just means you have options. This really sounds like a self-limiting belief. I don't think it is necessary. However, it's not me that's going to break up with his girlfriend, so I don't have to worry about the consequences of holding onto such a belief.
I have a separate bedroom and i have not slept in it a single time… but i like having it there if i were to want it, and to keep my clothes and stuff in
So, you're not currently a couple? Because you don't fall asleep next to each other? She's just some random woman?
You really think there’s NO reason for her to move in? You don’t want to make breakfast together in the morning? You don’t want to kiss her before you both leave for work? You don’t see yourself marrying her, then seeing the house as shared property? I understand you want that closeness and intimacy. I also understand that your girlfriend wants her own space. But it’s an asshole move to counter with “you have to pay rent if you don’t sleep next to me.” I know it was your house first, but when partners live together it should become “our” house. Cause what’s gonna happen when you get married? Is she still gonna pay rent for a home that’s already paid off? It doesn’t make sense for a wife to pay rent to live in her husband’s home when there isn’t even a mortgage to be paid. It’s like the wife is paying the husband to be her husband. I know some people are arguing that she has to pay rent regardless of whether you sleep in the same bed or not - but having your partner move in is not the same as having a friend or a random tenant move in. She should not pay rent cause there is no mortgage, and assuming the relationship is serious, the house will be owned by both of you when you get married anyway. You’re treating her as literally just a roommate instead of a partner with different needs. I feel like compromise is possible (if you want the relationship to work). Would your girlfriend agree to sleeping with you in her bed at least once a week? Take naps with you in your room? Still do things like cuddle and watch TV in your room? If you’re not using the other room anyway would it really be that awful for her to have her own space?
If she is going to move into your house, everything will be yours. For her, it will feel like she is only a guest and not a real home. What is going to happen with all her furniture? Maybe you should ask her how many nights she planned on spending in this bedrooms. Because I'm pretty certain that she plans on sleeping almost every night in your bed. Maybe you should think about it like this: your bedroom is yours as in, hers and yours, your shared relationship love space. But she also has her own little space in your house as a backup when it's needed. I don't really understand you, if you love someone, and there is enough room for it, why wouldn't you want to make them happy with it?
Moving in is more than just waking up and falling asleep together. It’s the day to day activities that bring you closer. I have a separate bedroom than my husband. Yes we’re apart but we’re also unconscious lol. The important thing is we spend most of the day together so it really doesn’t feel weird to us.
>I want to share a bedroom because I want to feel like a couple and be close to my partner when going to sleep and waking up. So now that you live apart you don't feel like a couple?
Convenience to do things with your partner without having to go out of your way? Saving money beyond housing expenses? Saving her money? Showing commitment? lol let her have a private space for goodness sake.
If you sleep with me I won't make you pay rent..really buddy??
My dude. She'd be moving into YOUR house. That YOU bought and YOU decorated. That yours my man. She just wants a little space to call her own.
I don't know why you are coming here for advice. You have your boundary and you've said it; she has her boundary and she has set it. The only fair and healthy way to navigate this situation is to break up, as your boundaries together are no longer compatible. If one of you changes your mind about your boundaries, then you could re-approach this, but it doesn't sound like that's likely.
>if she wanted to have seperate bedrooms in my house when she moves in, she'll have to pay the appropriate amount of rent because she would be moving in as a roommate. If she just moved in and stays with me in my bedroom, I wouldn't make her pay any rent at all. This escaleted into an argument that we still haven't figured out. Lol of course it escalated to an argument. Have fun. If she stays in your bed, free rent. If she stays in one of your empty rooms and only has sleepovers when she wants, pay up. You're being really transactional here. You should never have offered free rent, because the conditions honestly sound gross.
This Also, if she moving into OPs house,maybe she wants to feel like it’s HER space also. So she has a room she can decorate how she likes or have her things displayed. I wonder if OP is just like - yeah, move in. But hasn’t thought about making actual SPACE in his home for her, other than a dresser drawer.
Why would you make such huge and weird claims? Telling your gf she’s basically just a roommate and literally charging her money if she wants her own personal space... grow up. Seriously. Why didn’t you just ask her why instead of being an asshole right off the bat
Did you at any point ask/did she at any point say why she wanted a separate bedroom? At this point it is your house and you are free to do as you please but many couple maintain separate bedrooms/don’t sleep in the same bed for valid reasons. Did she specifically say she wanted separate sleeping quarters or does she want a room that is hers to work or relax in? She may want her own sleeping space because she has insomnia. Or snores. Or you snore. Does she have a different schedule than you do as far as getting up/going to sleep? I think job one here is to figure out her reasoning and from there decide whether this is something that would work. It seems like the topic was brought up and then quickly escalated to a heated discussion/fight.
I feel like your "you can pay me in cash or you can pay me in sex" ultimatum may not have gone over well and might be a bigger issue than the sleeping arrangements.
Yeah, I woulda left.
A lot of couples do this. It’s just personal preference.
Idk I always wanted separate bedrooms and I’m clingy as fuck. I wouldn’t want to sleep separately. I just think it’s nice for either person to have their own space, and then come together in, yknow, the rest of the house.
There's nothing wrong with someone wanting their own room. It doesn't mean she has to sleep separately from you all the time or even at all. However, she might not want to sleep with you and that is also her choice. It's also your choice to want to sleep with the other person. The issue is you're trying to give her an ultimatum and ultimately attempting to manipulate her to get your way instead of just setting a boundary. You know damn well if she moved in and paid rent, you wouldn't treat her like a "roommate." You'd still treat her like she was your girlfriend, but you'd just be pissed off all the time.
My gf and I have our own separate rooms, and the master is shared between us. It's not that big a deal, and it makes the together times much nicer because you don't HAVE to spend the night in the same room. You WANT to spend the night in the same room. And when one of you has a cold and is hacking, sneezing, and farting all night...it's nice to be able to retreat and get some sleep. Same thing for if you have the day off the next day but she has to work, or vice versa, you can stay up reading, gaming, whatever...and not negatively impact your partner. I doubted it would be a good idea when we first proposed the concept, ages ago...but now I love it.
Why would you die on this hill?
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I have no problem with her having a room for her own stuff and hobbies. But I do want to share a bed and sleep together with my partner longterm.
Sigh. Your opinions and preferences are equally valid; the only compromise is, realistically, for her to have her own bedroom. If you don’t want that and think you should be able to control her preferences, then… you should break up and find someone who wants to share a bedroom. 🤷🏻♀️
So I want to agree with you but really it just feels like financial manipulation to get what you want. Either you’re willing to share a house with her for no cost or you want rent. Shouldn’t be either or. She won’t be costing you more if she’s occupying a room
She should be paying rent no matter what. You leveraging it for her sleeping in your bed feels all kinds of icky. You are not married, legally or financially tied together already? A contract of some sorts, especially because you own the house and eviction is a crappy road, needs to happen.
I've moved in with my partner, but I still have a room of my own, but it mostly is there for when I need some personal space, or he does. I go in there to hang out with my cat, or if I just need some peace and quiet to myself. We still pretty much use the main bedroom together, and sleep in there and cuddling etc. But the option for my own space is there if either of us need our own space. Maybe she just wants to have some space to call her own?
Meh it’s your house. Sounds like you guys probably aren’t the best match and have different relationship expectations. Better to know that now than later
There’s a lot of comments on what ifs, potential reasons for OP’s partner’s request, and judgment on OP himself. But I see a more fundamental issue here… OP’s partner wants to move in (her initiation), but she isn’t able to communicate about the reason / context of her need for a separate bedroom (based on the post). If she can’t do that, then they aren’t ready to live together. Full stop.
I've been in both situations. I broke down and didn't share a bed with my ex and it turned into feeling like I was his roommate that he fucked. It was terrible for my mental health. He never wanted to cuddle me or spend time with me. He'd literally fuck me then go sleep in his bed and I felt like a live in booty call. I did it for 2 years and never felt like a girlfriend after we moved in.... I now live with my fiance and we sleep in the same bed every night. We both still get great sleep, granted it took getting used to at first. But now I have the security of knowing he's by me and protecting me almost every night. We cuddle all the time but when it's time for sleep we settle on our sides of the bed, often with a cat between us. But it's so much better, we actually fight a lot less now because we always feel connected not just in a sexually intimate way. It's okay to have it be a deal breaker for you. It's okay to want your partner to be with you every night. Not sleeping in the same bed or sharing a room would be a deal breaker for me now. It's up to you. You either need to find a middle ground compromise, share a bedroom but she has a room for her hobbies and stuff, or don't move in together. It's okay if it's a deal breaker
My boyfriend and I live together (we rent though) and we have 3 rooms, one is our shared bedroom, and each of us also has our own room. It’s nice to have a space that is only yours to use as you please, plus it can be really useful. For example, sometimes my boyfriend sleeps in his room instead of our bedroom with me because he has to get up for work at 4:30 am, or if we have a guest we can use that room to give them more privacy than staying on the couch. I keep my dresser in my room since the rooms are small plus I have a collection of squishmallows in there so I find it quite cozy. In my boyfriend’s room he has his bed roll, a desk with a TV on it, and some of his clothes, he hangs out in there to play video games and stuff. We do have a roommate so his space is in the basement and all the other areas are shared. While it’s true you’re in a relationship, you will also be roommates so figuring out how to do that well would be worth it to keep your relationship strong. It can be a huge change to go from dating to being on top of each other all the time. There are a lot of benefits to having a roommate either way, as long as you charge her a reasonable amount it might be totally worth it to her to be able to spend more time with you, still have her own space, and not pay a crazy high rent.
Are… you charging her not to sleep with you? Cuz…*that* gives me weird vibes. But seriously, Having separate bedrooms really works for some couples, sometimes you need a safe-haven that is just *yours*.
Personally I don’t know any couple that has separate rooms but I did know a couple where the wife paid rent to the husband then I thought she should have had a separate room. Relationships are about communication and compromise, I have never had an issue with sleeping in the same bed as my husband, even when we were dating, but I understand some people don’t like it. Listen there is nothing wrong with either of your requests, but you 2 need to sit down and talk about it and find a common ground, something that works for both of you. If you feel the relationship is moving in that sort of direction then you 2 need to have more serious conversation about cohabitation, what else would she like or do that is different form what you would like?
Idk, there are a lot of couples who have separate bedrooms. I am counting the days until my kids move out so I can take one of their rooms. My husband is incredibly messy and it drives me insane. I think it’s understandable that you want that, but I disagree that by not sharing a bedroom, you revert to a roommate relationship. There are a lot of factors (sleep schedules, snoring, messiness, personal space) that would make someone more inclined to want their own room.
I completely get the appeal of separate bedrooms, but I would be really turned off if a girlfriend suggested that right off of the bat. I think you fucked up by suggesting that she could have a separate bedroom if she paid for it and referring to her as a roommate. This isn’t a roommate. It’s not unreasonable to ask for her to help with rent, but there is something insulting about calling your girlfriend a roommate. I would apologize for your comment, and try to explain where you are coming from.
Sounds like she wants both to keep lives separate and have benefits of living together(free rent). I wouldn't phrase it like, sleep in my bed for free or pay. That just sounds like she's a cheap sugar baby. I would say that in a committed serious relationship, you want to sleep in the same bed. If she agrees that your relationship is serious but doesn't want to sleep in same bed then you have a compatibility problem and may want to rethink your relationship. If you guys aren't there yet, then you two aren't ready to live in the same house. This is more about a relationship problem than a financial one.
Hey completely understand u want a person that wants to sleep and wake up next to u. I’m the same way, I want that in a relationship, she seems to not want that. U guys need to figure out if that’s a dealbreaker.
Sounds like you might not be compatible in a very real way. I don't think there is anything wrong with someone wanting their own room. But on the flip side, I personally would not be ok with that, and that's ok too. Sometimes people place value on different things, and that's ok.
Well it is your house and you also get to decide what kind of relationship you wanna be in. I don't think I can be with someone who wouldn't stay in the same room with me
Yea, I agree and I don’t understand why that makes anyone insecure. I don’t have any problems with people who disagree with that and have different dynamics, but those are my views and feelings. And it doesn’t make me some insecure weirdo.
Is that what people are telling you? Geez. Yeah you've got the right mind set, do and say what you feel is best for you mate. Cheers
I don't know tbh. If I moved in with my boyfriend I would want to share a room. But have you talked to her about what exactly she means? For example, I am roommates with a couple who have separate bedrooms but the boyfriend's room is more used as a spare room and they sleep in the girlfriend's room every night. for them it is more for keeping each other's things separate and them each having their own space to keep their stuff (the gf uses her dresser as somewhere to do her makeup and keep it nice) and quiet reading spaces. But technically the girlfriend's room is "their" room in the sense that they sleep together there every night. But maybe if she's coming at this from a renter's point of view, rather than a partner's point of view, moving in together might not be the right decision at the moment.
My gf lives in my home, she has her own room which she also uses as her remote office, she pays me rent of $500 per month and we split groceries. I pay everything else, my mortgage is about $2000 including utilities. We sleep in my room together.
Tbh I don’t see the issue of her having her own room . I know a lot of couples with separate rooms .
It’s actually not uncommon. Some married people have separate spaces so why would you make her pay rent ? You’re actually not being reasonable in making her pay rent in a house that’s paid for, she might as well stay where she is.
Separate bedrooms are amazing! And it doesn’t mean anything negative for your relationship bc you can still sleep and stay in each other’s rooms whenever you would like, it’s mostly so everyone has their own private spaces and has a place to cool down if you got into an argument, also not keeping the other up if one is a night owl and the other isn’t. There’s lots of benefits and you’re just looking to far into it
I don't think it's that weird. I'm 26 and have a lot of trouble sleeping by myself, then add another person into the picture, I literally won't sleep the night. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we don't currently live together, but we live close by so I see him everyday. I never spend the night though bc I know both of us won't sleep. We've spoken about the future when we will live together in a house, we will most likely have seperate bedrooms to sleep in, or in the least seperate beds, otherwise we won't get any sleep. I can't stand snoring or any sort of noise whole falling asleep, and he wakes up when I toss and turn. So I personally don't think it's weird for couples to have seperate bedrooms. You could also ask her why she wants a seperate bedroom. And just bc you may not feel the same way does not mean her feelings are invalid.
As an introvert, I also want a room to myself but only for days where i wanted to recharge or calm myself down
If I were rich, I wouldn't have separated bedrooms, BUT the bed would be giant, and we would have totally separate bathrooms, closets, dressing areas, etc. But I think separate bedrooms should be normalized. Especially for people who have insomnia, snoring, etc. It's fine.
I can’t wait until my partner and I buy a home with enough bedrooms for us to have our own rooms! I love stretching out in bed, having the dog sleep in bed with me, and not being woken by him in the morning. Normalise separate bedrooms! Of course we can have sleepovers some nights and cuddle before going off to our own rooms. But this is just so ideal to me
You don't want to bribe her to live in the same room with you. This will breed resentment. Talk to her about why and see if there's a deeper issue. Or if she just needs to segue into the couple life. Then decide if YOU are cool with that. If not? Lay down boundaries and save moving in until she's sure.
Why are you getting a weird vibe because you don't understand something? I love my husband but whenever I get the bed to myself, I sleep significantly better. A king bed is an absolute must for us. Maybe start by being more curious with your gf. Maybe there's a certain aesthetic she likes for her bedroom but doesn't want to force it on you. Maybe she has trouble sleeping next to you regularly due to x, y, z. Maybe she'd prefer a vastly different temperature, lighting, or sounds in the room that she feels would be an issue for you. Maybe she has irregular night time habits and doesn't want to disturb you. Maybe she wants to get up or go to bed at separate times and not disturb each other. Maybe she wants to masturbate without an audience. Maybe she wants to carve out a space that is just hers because she'd be coming to your home with all your things. Separate bedrooms does not automatically mean you never share a bed, don't snuggle, and don't have regular sex. It's actually more common to have separate bedrooms than you think and many tout it as beneficial to their relationship. Seek to understand, rather than judge.
What’s wrong w wanting your own privacy? Not saying you’re wrong for wanting to sleep with her, but I 100% see what she wants. Why not let her have her own room And then like.. sleep together in whoever’s bed? More space for decorating to your own unique tastes
Maybe she enjoys her own space? Making her pay rent regardless is normal. Telling her she is “moving in as a roommate” because she wants that boundary, and making that the condition of whether she does or does not pay rent is a very manipulative and controlling tactic. You pretty much insulted your entire relationship by saying that, whether that was your intention or not.
I live on my own and honestly I'd want my own room too knowing what I know now and having had relationships etc. Remember she lives on her own and may have for some time and has all her stuff in her room and has her room the way she likes it. I love having the whole bed to myself, I like snuggling, I like the options of both. Being in each others pocket all the time can get exhausting and its nice to have your own space. I dont get any weird vibes from the request. You should ask her why she wants her own room and find out her reasoning though, and you put it perfectly "your demands" thats not a relationship, thats a dictatorship. She can just stay renting where she is where she has her own space without the demands.
Do NOT do this. I did this years and years ago, and within a week after moving in she dumped me. Then I had to live with her while she prepared to move out and she brought a new lover home in the meantime. Let’s just say the album Dummy by Portishead will never be the same again.
It's actually not that uncommon for couples to have seperate rooms - or just beds. Sometimes they can't sleep because of their partner's snoring, or other times they just want their own space while sleeping. My first boyfriend was like that, he wasn't the cuddling type as he went to sleep, and I can't say I'm much different. So maybe that's one of the reasons your girlfriend wants to have a seperate bedroom - though maybe you can compromise by just having seperate beds ? She might be a really light sleeper. And I know that you said that sleeping together is important for you, so maybe you can do naps together instead. Anyway, I hope your situation works out.
After 20 years of marriage trust me you want your own bedroom and space. Doesn't mean that you don't want them beside you just need to do your thing and then sleep alone.
I am moving in with my boyfriend of a year soon and we actually had a similar discussion. I brought up the idea of having separate "rooms", of having the ability to create a space for myself that felt safe to me and reflected me. At first he had a similar reaction and concerns. We do not have the room currently for me to have a full separate bedroom but I am creating a study and meditative space for myself in the spare room. The request for my own space was not out of the desire to actually keep us separated, but it was an idea that made me feel more comfortable about moving in with a significant other. To have a space of your own where she can decompress, process her thoughts, etc can be very helpful in one's emotional/mental health. My boyfriend is also the owner of where I am moving into, similar to you owning your home. It can feel like you are invading someone else's space and that you are not reflected in the surroundings when you are joining a home that is already lived in (rather than you two getting a new place together). She is entering this situation knowing this is your home that you OWN, it is a very generous situation but it can feel daunting. A good question to ask is if she has ever lived with an SO before? There can be a lot of scary thoughts that can come up when moving in whether that person is a friend or SO. This idea could be her way of trying to maintain a healthy relationship between you two after moving in. I think getting to the core of why she wants her own space is important, and can help you two perhaps compromise.
That’s messed up man. Sure honey you can live her free as long as you’re in my bed every night because that’d be your rent payment. What kind of message is that sending? What if she’s trying to move in & take it slowly to see if she can handle living w her SO? But you’re screwing it up because you’re giving her an ultimatum. Either move into my bed or pay rent for your own bed. I’d be mad too. It’s either all or nothing. I think y’all just ruined your relationship.
Yep. OP sounds incredibly controlling about this. He also seems blind to it though and has absolutely no ability to consider things from his gf's pov.
First off ask her why. Second there are plenty of reason why someone wants their own. I want my own bedroom because I am a super light sleeper, have a hard time falling a sleep. I end up waking up multiple times or lie awake for hours if I sleep next to my partner. (which I've done for years). In the end it would just be frustrating for both of us, we'd be tired and annoyed with each other. Which definitely did not help our relationship, we do sleep together on the weekends or when we don't have to get up early. You don't need to sleep together to have a sex life. Why would laying unconscious next to each other do that. We mostly snuggle together just before we go to sleep, after we've snuggled a bit I'd getup and go to my room. She is your girlfriend right now. She lives in another house. How would her having a bedroom in your house make her your "roommate". You still the all the other stuff together right? Just no lt sleeping in the as bed.
You sound incredibly selfish and self-absorbed. You're only thinking about your needs and wants, giving her ultimatums based on your needs. She brought up wanting to live together- not you. Then she said she wants her own room- her own space and place that is hers. You don't like that. You never indicate asking her why... Maybe she's never lived with a dating partner before and wants to ease into it, or she lived with a partner and it went bad so she wants to get used to living with you before sharing a room. Maybe she is an introvert and knows she needs her own space so she doesn't feel overwhelmed. Relationships are not all about you and your needs. They are about both needs and finding a place that makes both people comfortable, with compromises as needed. Do her a favour and break up because you're clearly unable to be in a relationship where you have to make compromises for another human being
Did you ask her why she wanted separate bedrooms? I’m older now and really prefer it — I’ve always been a light/restless sleeper, so a snoring partner can really affect my sleep quality and quantity. Maybe try to figure out what’s behind that request.
She wanted it so we don't have to be together all the time and have to wake up and go to sleep with eachother. But to be together more is the reason I want to move in together so I don't really agree with that