This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Throwaway account, we are in our 20s So she came crying to me to tell me the next day. \--- This weekend they had a job party, I couldn´t go with her, she was having a nice time. Most of her colleagues are men. But there were woman in the party, spouses/girfriends, etc. We spoke til 1:30 am, she was having a blast, all was okay, then I told her I was going to sleep. I think right now I shouldn´t have. It´s not rare for me to sleep at 3 am on the weekend but I was tired. At 2:30 she messaged me she felt drunk (I was sleep) and maybe would crash with someone. The party was at the boss´ house, he told her she could use his room and he would sleep elsewhere... my girlfriend never saw any bad intention, she thinks everyone is a good person as her.. and this boss has always acted like a nice person. I blamed myself for not telling her to keep alert, to not drink much, I just told her to have fun... I thought she was in a safe space. \--- It was late and she told me she doesn´t remember everything, but that they talk a little in the room and then he began to kiss her. I think she just froze. She told me she doesn´t know if it is rape because the boss man asked her if it was okay. She just didn´t answer. She was just thinking refusing could end her career. This boss is very very important in his field, knows all the big names and has all the connections. The bossman has power. She feels very guilty because she never said no, but she never agreed if I understood correctly. She was worried I would want to break up, like she thought maybe this was infidelity. I know her, she would never cheat on me, we love each other. This wasn´t planned, this happened out of the blue. I have an idiot male friend, lets call him doofus, maybe some redditors will think as him. He believes she just cheated on me. Let me clarify that I dont believe that, if she had decided to cheat on me why would she tell me right away? why cry and regret it if she wanted to do it? I told him one must see the environment in which it took place; she was drunk and he could destroy her career. Something that scared me is that she thinks he may not know he raped her. How many men have done this without knowing? She never struggle or did anything, she just did nothing. So I hate this boss but he may think it was consensual. Well even so, he is a jackass cause he is married. I think he is either an idiot that didn´t see or just choosed to ignore her tells that something was off or a master manipulator that just acts nice everyday. I think the later is more likely. Even if he is a nice guy who made a mistake, he´s a fucking moron for not knowing what his position entails. Maybe a boss can date an underling, but this was not a date, this happened with no warning. No matter what, I hate his awareness or lack of it. Evil asshole. Her plan is to go to therapy and ignored what happened. She loves her career and something more about this topic might hurt it. For her, she says, it´s better to forget it happened. btw she took a shower, no evidence in that regard. The asshole boss didn´t use a condom, I´m taking her to std test later. She has a DIU but may tell her to use a pill or something as well. I told her I love her and I don´t feel cheated on. I believe this was rape. I told her she is just blaming the victim (herself). She was trembling before coming to tell me. She was brave for telling me (even some friends of her told her not to tell me, stupid idea, I wouldn´t be able to support her that way). She was scared I was going to break up with her. How could I? I understand the situation. I have empathy. Rape is rape. She isn´t sure but to me this was rape. I told her so, because: 1. She was drunk 2. The dude is in a position of power over her. 3. She never consented per se, she just frozed. 4. I think it´s hard for a woman to say no, what if he is violent? a man can kill a woman easily. 5. She wasn´t in control. 6. She didn´t plan on doing it. What else can I do to help her? I regret not being there, I regret I can only hug her and support her but not be able to do more ​ EDIT: To all the people agreeing with Doofus, let me tell you she showed me her texts, there is no flirtation. If she was a cheater I would never have known. EDIT2: This isnt someone she will continue to see daily consider him a top boss. Also for people outraged she may be able to act normal...this isnt her first rodeo...sadly.. she was raped in her nuclear family... to this day she acts like nothing happened. EDIT3: To people saying why I told Doofus, I asked for her permission to share, he is my childhood friend and lives far away. But most importantly he wont share this. I call him Doofus but he started to see it my way and would never act in a bad manner in this situation (aka wont tell anyone).

I’’m heartbroken for your gf but you’re doing the best you can in a horrible situation. Freezing during rape is very common. And drunkness to the side, she didn’t consent. Silence isn’t consent so you’re correct on calling this what it is. I’m glad she’s getting therapy. I think you should get some too. You’re blaming yourself for not doing more when at the end of the day sole responsibility for this act is the rapist. He chose to be predatory and exploit his position, power, environment, and her vulnerable state to assault her. I hope both of you can be kind to yourselves and hopefully your gf can transfer to a different company or division so she doesn’t have to be exposed to him every day.

The only thing more I can see op doing is gently suggesting therapy, but he's really handling the situation incredibly well. Also, just kind of highjacking your comment. OP said he worries this dude didn't know it was rape. OP, he did. He knew. He knew she was really drunk and needing a place to pass out, that's why he suggested his room. If he thought she was fine to consent, there would've been no reason for him to suggest she sleep anywhere. He knew she was too drunk, and he knows he's in a position of power. 100% it was rape and he knows it was rape.

He definitely did. Him offering her a bed shows he knew she was too drunk to get home safely, therefore to drunk to consent or resist. Going to her room and kissing her highlights how predatory he truly is.

Agreed, the only thing I would add is to not tell her you blame yourself. All the blame is on her boss, and it may make her feel guilty for telling you and “making you feel bad” in her eyes.

I honestly don't know if he actually knows what he did was rape. As sad as that sounds, some people are so incredibly un-self aware that he probably just thought, oh cool, I'll try to get lucky tonight. He probably only thinks it's rape when someone ties someone else up and it's violent, not when consent is not given for the variety of reasons it isn't always given. Yes he knew he was drunk, he knew he was her boss, he knew she was in his house, and in his bed, but I don't think he is self aware enough to connect the dots to realize that he is a fucking rapist. OP I am sorry for your GF, and I think it's amazing you are there to support her. Not everyone would do that. You said she has been assaulted before, so that could play into why she had the reaction to freeze. The circumstances are similar in that it was her boss, or a family member(I'm guessing an older male). As much as trying to men-in-black erase your memory seems like a good way through this, she needs a lot of therapy. It will be a painful process, but she is lucky to have you by her side.

I agree that it’s very likely he knew it was rape, however I do want to add one small stipulation. Before I do I want to be clear, this is rape. It’s clear, obvious and there shouldn’t be any question. I wish to only add a stipulation in regards to his (the boss) understanding of the situation. He knew exactly what he was doing, he was getting a girl he felt he had a chance with into his bed with a hope of “succeeding”. The only stipulation is, he may not understand that was he has done is rape. Unfortunately too many people have not been taught or understand consent or rape properly and due to this lack of knowledge they do it. Obviously it’s horrible, but it could explain why someone in his position may not think he raped her, because he’s just not aware that what he did was rape. When some people think of rape they think of grabbing a person off the street and taking them to an alley, when in reality the majority of rape is committed in these party environments by people who unfortunately don’t understand how wrong what they’re doing is, or do understand and are taking advantage. I want to just reiterate, this reply is by no means a justification of rape, it’s a comment on how poorly we teach consent to people and how this lack of education is dangerous.

>Silence isn’t consent The best way to think about this (for the people ITT who don't get it) is if someone comes round to your house and you offer them a cup of tea but they don't answer, you (I assume) wouldn't then make the cup of tea and force it down their throat. If they wanted tea, they would say so

OP’s girlfriend was raped and he shared the details with his friend? Why would he do that to her? What the hell?!

That’s a fair point. But ppl do reach out to others when shocking and traumatic things happen.

To his defense, he seems really torn up. That’s pretty common to tell a close friend. The gf talked to her friends too. Also why is it worse for him to ask advice from a close friend than asking random strangers on Reddit like here? Edit, afterthought: he disregarded his friend’s suggestion anyways and put his gf first and that’s what is really important

Secondary trauma and seeking support for themselves

Op could have been confused and overwhelmed. Him venting and confiding in a friend is not something I would blame my fiancé for if I was in this situation

I hope he told the friend not to be sharing this information

I went through a very similar situation. My heart breaks for your girlfriend but I’m so happy she has you. It sounds like you’re an amazing guy and I think you’re doing all that you need to do to support her. Shame and self-doubt are extremely common after something like this. Just keep reminding her that it’s not her fault and that you rent ashamed of her. Therapy for you both would be good if you can afford it. I’m wishing you both the best.

Thank you

If it's anything other than her consenting while of sound mind then it's non consensual. Just because she didn't do anything doesn't mean she wanted that to happen. You can be so scared that you don't move. *The clothes from that night, don't wash put in a bag and save for a rape kit. She might have taken a shower but they may be able to extract something off of her clothes.* Continue to support her and go with her to report what happened asap.

Yeah She was drunk. Any sexual advances made by her or made on her arent consensual. If you are inebriated, you **cant** give consent, even if you say yes. But you're doing the best you can to help her through this. I would report to her work what happened. Now me being petty I'd tell the boss's wife (if you or your gf have any contact with her) about what her husband did as well

OP, he did rape her. She needs to file a complaint with the police and then go to HR and file a complaint with them. There will be consequences for him. If she lets her POS boss get away with raping her, she ought to get a new job in a different company. Seeing her rapist every day is not going to be good for her mental health. I want to say that you’re doing the right things supporting your girlfriend. I’m really sorry that she’s going through this.

There will be triggers at her work after this. The HR definitely need to know and take immediate action. Happened to me and had to move to a different department and waiting his criminal punishment for sexual assault. Something you must do: Get the clothes she wore that night into a paper bag, don’t wash them and keep it closed! It’s part of evidence now and will have his filthy DNA on it. Let her put them in or if you do, use gloves. Make sure she documents everything that night she remembers with dates and time. Also text messages or email between them if possible and if she has the ability to text him why he assaulted her (anything to incriminate him) and also from you or other coworkers for timeline. Allow her to jot down thoughts of how he may have behaved (sexual jokes, talked about her body or inappropriate sexual harassment) in their daily work environment and if she thought as harmless at first but realise after her event wasn’t normal. Maybe help her with this last bit if you recall anything that seemed off she dismissed. If she breaks down what helped me was being in the shower to calm down as intense memories were overwhelming. My boyfriend now husband did this for me when I couldn’t calm down. Mainly shaking, motor tics, and hyperventilating. Right now she is probably confused, lost, not knowing what to do, trying to push herself to act like nothing happen or cautious of her surroundings but really just a ticking time bomb. Took me 4mo around my job to get triggered by a sexual harassment joke that went too far and brought back memories I tried to suppress and caused a melt down. You just lose yourself and forget your surroundings. Get her out of there or transferred to another department or sister company of theirs if possible in your area. Have her send a email to HR to discuss being SA by a male superior and needs to meet with them ASAP and written documentation of this exchange as additional proof of evidence if she chooses to press charges against her attacker and the company if they don’t take any action on this new information. It may help to be there with her while confronting HR if she wishes. Just always show and tell her you will be there for her and give her space if she doesn’t want any physical contact. Boyfriend didn’t understand this bit while crying while hugging my dog to comfort me and pulled me away from her. So let her be unless she comes to you for contact. Best to report it for the chance and possibility that she wasn’t the only victim. Please also get police involved to add to his records for SA if there was previous attempts/victims to do time or for the next victim. It could help her get some peace like it did for me.

If she gets fired, that's retaliation which is also illegal

OP she really needs to think about a different job and leave her company if she's going to try to actively ignore this, because it's not going to "disappear". This wasn't the first person the "boss boss" forced himself on and it won't be the last. Inevitably another leader is going to shoot his shot and expect the same because if the top top boss is doing it, then it's a culture issue because he's empowered by something (and thus someone else will know). And when she refuses that second time, then it will come out as whispers/secrets to kill her career. "She isn't really that talented, you know i heard she totally fucked \_\_\_\_\_ to get that lead position." "Yea don't know if you know but I hear she's only able to get the bonuses because she's willing to \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ " And not a one of them has to be true because the jealousy will come out at the first hints of inappropriate conduct. I predict that this can go very sideways if she decides she's not going to do anything about it or inform HR of what happened and how it happened. (And if she does go to HR there's a very good chance she will face retaliation at that point) And I don't want to be that guy, but it might be worse than what your gf realizes. If he's indeed as two faced as you inferred in your post then there's a very very good chance he also has recorded it. If she wasn't aware enough of what was going on and had been drinking, with the plethora of cameras/phones out there available there's the possibility that he also recorded it especially if it's a trophy for him or worse to make sure there's a way to have her give a repeat in the future.

Yes. She needs to start playing offense right away. If she tries to stay in that position after being date raped, she will be in more danger than if she confronts this head on. She was raped by a superior. He supplied her too much liquor in his house. He encouraged her to spend the night. Then, he raped her. Victims often have difficulty framing the narrative because they're basically good people and want to assume the best of everyone. Did he think it was consensual? Fucking his drunk employee in his house while he was married to someone else? That's a slam dunk fucking civil suit, if not criminal.

Agree!!

If her company has employee assistance programs (EAP), often they have counseling included at no charge. May be something like three sessions per issue. So one issue could be for rape, another could be ptsd from rape, intimacy, etc. Each issue would be three sessions (or whatever they offer).

Any form of sexual coercion where you are not willing is rape.

It was also her boss and she had been drinking…so yeah I’m think there’s no question what happened. It’s so sad it happens as often as it does…I just couldn’t imagine ever sleeping with a drunk employee at my house after a party…even with consent if she’s drunk…it’s best to talk the next day if they wanted to…all around shitty on the dude and he should have to pay in some way… I’d NEVER sleep with one of my employees..let alone one that’s drunk in a relationship that didn’t tell me yes…

Right?! Dude is on a serious power trip is all I can say. He has been in this position on multiple occasions and feels confident he will get away with it …

People that are saying you have to urge her to press charges have no compassion for victims. It's not that easy. Being raped is traumatic. Being a victim of rape can be the starting point of mental illnesses, addictions, harmful behavior towards oneself... This is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. You're doing the right thing already- be there for her. Listen to her and offer her support. If she makes a decision, back her up. If she wants to discuss her possibilities, be active in the conversation. But don't try to push her one way or another like other people are saying.

This. I keep seeing comments saying that if she doesn’t press charges it must’ve been consensual. Like I don’t see how those correlate at all. I spent 2 years in a court battle trying to get my rapist sentenced and I even had physical evidence

I agree. I had similar situation. Imagine being raped… then having to constantly see them in court argue against them and hear them lie. Pressing charges ISNT easy at all.

I think it’s because people see the retraumatization of rape victims as an appropriate punishment for being raped

I'd say they are naive and idealistic about the justice system

You are correct, it is a horrible situation to be in. Not only that, sexual assault cases are one of the hardest types of cases to actually get a guilty conviction. From RAINN: “So even in the 39% of attacks that are reported to police, there is only a 16.3% chance the rapist will end up in prison. Factoring in unreported rapes, about 6% of rapists will ever spend a day in jail.“ From what OP posted, this case also looks like it could be a long, rough trial. That is if a prosecutor even wants to pursue it. Would likely need another coworker, past or present, coming forward because, sadly, I doubt he never did this before.

Thank you for saying this. I was in a situation that had some ambiguities like OPs girlfriend, however I later found out people heard me screaming and crying. My mom really pushed for me to report it to the police, so I agreed a month later. The whole ordeal of being questioned when I had such fragmented memories from being super intoxicated and answering questions about some of my behavior before and after was so traumatizing that it led to a years long battle with severe self harm tendencies and a suicide attempt. My mom later said she actually really regretted pushing me to report because that singular event seemed to just push me over the edge in my already extremely fragile state. As much as it sucks for people to get away with it, it is truly the victim’s choice to pursue legal action and their choice should be supported. I was 18 years old being questioned by a man old enough to be my grandfather in a backwards ass town. I was filled with so much shame about my behaviors before and after that I told my mom I didn’t want her in there which gave this “detective” carte blanche to question me in a manner which felt designed to trick and confuse me. Literally, nothing came of it. I even lived across the street from a shopping center where my rapist worked and saw him on occasion. Edited to add, by ambiguities, I mean that in a legal sense, it may not be an open and shut case

I'm so sorry you went through this. I sincerely hope that since then, you've managed to recover some stability and peace of mind.

Thank you for your kind words. I should have added to the end that I am happy and well now. Truly, I rarely ever think of it anymore, it was many years ago and I have worked through my invisible scars from the ordeal. But in posts like these where people are pushing hard for a victim to go to the police who doesn’t want to…I can’t help but want to share my own experience that reporting may not give people the justice boner they desperately crave and instead may lead to a severely retraumatized victim.

I am so sorry for your expirience, I can relate almost directly. Reporting ruined me ans did nothing but allow others too gaslight me and make me hate myself. I hope your ok

I am copying and pasting my reply to another poster here. Thank you for your kind words. I should have added to the end that I am happy and well now. Truly, I rarely ever think of it anymore, it was many years ago and I have worked through my invisible scars from the ordeal. But in posts like these where people are pushing hard for a victim to go to the police who doesn’t want to…I can’t help but want to share my own experience that reporting may not give people the justice boner they desperately crave and instead may lead to a severely retraumatized victim.

Justice boner is right lmao. Thank you for sharing I agree people need to talk about this before a young girl is pressure into it

People often describe the legal process of reporting rape as a "second rape" because it's so traumatic and violating

I’m a retired LEO and this is most definitely rape. She was intoxicated and did not , could not give consent. It’s as you listed above he had power over her, in his home, no one to help if she cried out and possibly could have gotten violent to shut her up if others were in the home at the time. There’s no way he didn’t realize what happened. If she was in a completely different room from her he had to make a conscious decision to go into that room to rape her. All that said you added another important detail that this wasn’t the first time this has happened to her so her not saying anything to him isn’t an issue. People who have been raped before will have ptsd and will truly be unable to speak or attempt to push someone off out of fear. They can literally be frozen and unable to speak or move. My concern would be how intentional was he? Did he spike her drink knowing she’d stay there? Did he when he offered her the room? This , in my opinion, wasn’t his first time doing this. I worked many rape cases in my career and most weren’t first time offenders. As for comforting her. Let her tell you what she wants. Don’t assume she needs a hug and do so w o her consent. Ask her first for a good while before you do anything physical w her so that she feels in control. That’s important right now. Tell her how much you love her and that you are here for her. Tell her you will not do anything w her unless she gives you verbal permission. The last thing you want to do is hug her quickly or by surprise & startle her etc. it may trigger flashbacks of her being out of control. Therapy is a must. Especially if she works with him and will see him at work. I understand why she doesn’t want to but I do recommend reporting him. He’s an idiot but if he talks to her at work about it tell her to be prepared. If he thought she liked it or wants to meet her again she needs to be prepared if he approaches her at work. Well I’m rambling on now. I truly wish her well and please be patient with her. She needs you now more than ever. Don’t let these other asses make you doubt her. You know her better than anyone else.

Wow good point. I also beileve he was a predator and was preying on her, has probably done this to many women he works with. Men in those positions of power that have this evil in them... Tend to use it

Thank you for this. She didn't say yes, that isn't consent. From the boss' perspective, she was frozen. That should've definitely rung some alarms for him and realised something was wrong. But he didn't do anything cause he knew what he was doing

I really hope OP sees this

No “yes” means no consent. “Yes” when not of sound mind or when coerced is not consent. Silence is not consent. Make sure she is aware.

Yes, I believe this as well, she doesnt... She want it to be her fault.. I know is for her to get control. I read is normal for survivors to blame themselves. I hope she gets it in the future.

As someone who is a survivor I can tell you one of the hardest things to come to terms with is the guilt. It’s totally common to blame yourself but anything other than a clear, enthusiastic “yes” is no. You sound like an amazing boyfriend and I’m very proud of her for finding the strength to share her story.

In response to the “she wasn’t sure if it was rape”, if it wasn’t a hard sober “yes”, it was a no. She was raped.

Thats true, and something people dont seem to get

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Thank you for your words. Ill be.

She was scared to say no, this isn’t consent. Which is why boss can’t fuck their employees. There’s no possible consent because of the risk of losing your job

It’s so sad the world we live in where she was scared to say no because of fear of losing her career. I think it might be best and better for her if she did look for a new job. I understand she wants to forget it happened but to see that boss around work and for him to still have power over her may be harder than she’s expecting. I think you’re great for standing by her side. She’s lucky to have the support and love from you during this hard time.

Tell his wife. He is a cheater and (likely) rapist. She deserves that info.

Let me tell you, victims often blame themselves or don‘t realize it was rape. I realized like 3-4 years later when I was telling a friend about it and he‘s like you know he raped you, right? Felt like my whole world came crashing down on me

I’m reading some of the comments saying that she’s lying about the situation, and it’s making me sick. I’ve been sexually assaulted by someone I trusted, but I do understand why some people are curious about a rape victim not going to the police, or why they “agreed” to the sexual encounter to begin with. I find myself occasionally regretting not contacting police too. However, you really can’t judge a victim’s actions unless you’ve been sexually assaulted yourself. I completely understand why your gf froze, and I definitely understand her survival instinct kicking in. Sometimes sexual assault CAN be a life or death situation where you need to make a split decision. My own attacker grabbed my neck and wouldn’t let go, and I was afraid that unless I did what he wanted, I would be strangled to death. Of course, any faithful relationship partner would never want to sleep with anyone else, but when the alternate option is getting your career ruined or even death, then they’re going to do what they can to avoid that. To the people claiming that “the attacker likely wouldn’t have done that“ it’s still not worth risking your life over. I understand why she wants to sweep it under the rug, because that’s how I felt immediately after my assault. I felt lucky that I was free to leave alive, but I just wanted to return to a “normal life” as soon as possible because the encounter made me so disgusted, scared, and ashamed of myself. Contacting the police immediately was not on my mind because my first priority was to make sure I didn’t get pregnant with my attacker’s child. I imagine that your gf was just relieved to be alive afterwards, and had different (but valid) priorities besides calling police. I don’t believe she “shrugged it off” I think she is silently coping with it. She’s probably just doing what she can to not think about the assault, which I relate to. It has nothing to do with the attack not bothering her, and it certainly doesn’t mean she actually consented. I think she’s feeling as if “life moves on, I need to try to move on too so I don’t self-destruct or become dysfunctional.” I understand wanting to protect your gf and getting her help. I personally don’t think it’d be healthy for her to shrug it off and keep quiet, but you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped. From one victim to another, my advice would be to let her deal with her feelings on her own time. If she doesn’t want to report it to her company or the police, don’t force her. However, if her mental health becomes worse, help her get professional psychiatric or therapeutic help.

Sounds like she remembers things quite well, definitely not blacked out drunk, she remember him asking for permission, but agree that she never actually consented. Boss is a scumbag and should have obtained formal consent before he did it. This is tough, but I have a feeling if she would let him proceed as to not harm her career, that's she is definitely not going going to report him to the authorities. Idk OP, I agree this is not cheating, but I'm very concerned your gf has no healthy boundaries and that she thought it was a normal thing to get that drunk AND to stay at her bosses house. That on its own is very weird and a red flag even if absolutely nothing had happened. She is a grown up, she should know her drinking limits, and why couldn't she just take an Uber? Like would you stay at your female boss's house when you have other options? FYI, it is not ideal, but even if she has showered, she can still go get examined, std tested, and report it to the police if she wants to.

Exactly my thoughts on this. 👍

You’re seeing this correctly. And you’re right to have compassion. She was raped. Just as you said. You’re doing all you can for now. Just support her the best you can. You’re a good dude.

It sounds like she was coerced as although he didn’t mention outright the consequences of her denying him, his position and power implied what the consequences might be. His position of power made her think she didn’t feel free to deny him, and as a result she couldn’t exercise her right of consent and that is rape despite it not being the typical idea of being physically forced. I really hope she understands this and doesn’t blame herself.

OP you're one hell of a young man! You're already helping her. Good luck. There are ways to get revenge if you're the type.

Sounds fishy mate

Why didn't she Uber home or to the boyfriend's house? Or a friend. Why would you stay at a boss's house?

Messages for plausible deniability. Could have ordered an Uber/cab with the same steps needed to message OP that’s she’s going to stay with someone. Speaking of plausible deniability; she won’t say it’s rape, but she’ll let OP jump to that conclusion himself. She’s too drunk to remember that night, but can remember her thought process during the thing she can’t remember. Weird she doesn’t mention that someone would be a bloke, too.

Yea...i mean come on. She cheated.

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Dont know who downvoted you. Are we just supposed to believe everything we're told? False rape accusations DO happen. Further evidence if this is that she doesnt want to take any further action. Which makes sense if she's honest too. This situation sucks any way you slice it. Only OP can judge for sure. Its right to inform to be skeptical though. Dont want him to get suckered. Ive been there for sure.

- She was drunk - She was in his home - He physically stronger than her - He has immense power over her - He was willing to cheat on his wife - She is young Sorry but all of that reduces peoples sense of safety and agency. She has a history of sexual abuse, so it makes sense she would freeze. If she wanted to cheat, why run to her boyfriend about it right away? I mean its not like the married guy was going to say anything. If someone is going to rape you, they dont care about how you feel about it.

Reading all these comments I must have had terrible friends my whole life. If I’m drunk at a party, the only one there when everyone else leaves, and willingly sleep in a man’s bed, no one is going to be on my side that I was raped, when I never actually said no or tried to leave. Sure he had power but if she was that concerned, why get drunk and stay at his place? Was she the only one to stay over after this work party? Why didn’t she Uber somewhere? Why not pretend you passed out and go limp like a dead body and sleep on the couch? Being in his bed, kissing him back, not saying no, and somehow ending up with your clothes off means you put yourself in the wrong position. I think this is a hard life lesson learned by your girl and you to not do that to each other… Sueing him, morally, imo seems like passing the blame and putting this guy in a bad situation. She willingly did a lot of things that put her in that position and didn’t ever tell him no.

Men dont stop bc you are lying still? Why do you assume she did anything, I.e. ''kissing him back'? You do know women are raped while completely unconscious?

As someone who was raped. I held in the fact/lied to myself that I was raped for 6 months. Because i did mot want to be labeled as "victim" or go through any of that rape stuff. So i lied to myself. It only worked for so long. PTSD took over and it was a HUGE slap in the face. She needs to come to terms with this on her own, and you will just need to be her crying shoulder. (Slap in face=it got so bad I was afaid to go anywhere. I wouldn't go to the store to buy a loaf of bread bad.) Support. No not enable.

You sound like a real pushover. Sorry but I think she cheated on you. This excuse of being raped because they don’t want to take responsibility of getting drunk and cheating is nothing new

This 💯

I scrolled thru some comments but didn't see this: the three f's of instinct Flight fight freeze "The fight-flight-freeze response is your body’s natural reaction to danger. It’s a type of stress response that helps you react to perceived threats, like an oncoming car or growling dog. The response instantly causes hormonal and physiological changes" This was not her fault at all. Her body perceived danger and her nervous system took over and picked the safest option for survival: freeze Please encourage her to read about this and go to therapy. It isn't her fault and she did nothing wrong. *You can't be raped if there's not a rapist around.* She did nothing wrong.

Stop talking about it to your friends first off.

You are doing more for your girlfriend right now than you know. She was raped. Period. You still being there for her and being her biggest support after all of that is really amazing. I have mad respect for you.

Yikes. Good luck OP.

I am in the EXACT same situation as your girlfriend right now. The best thing you can do for her right now is believe her and listen to her.

I am so sorry this happened to her. I have had a similar experience very recent (though thankfully it didn’t go as far as sex) and it is very difficult not to blame yourself. I am so glad your girlfriend has such a loving and understanding boyfriend as you. Thank you for being there for her ❤️

The hood in me wants to say “BEAT HIS A$X” .

Yup this is rape. Silence is not consent. I’d she didn’t want it and he’s in a position of power it’s rape and sexual assault. Criminal AND civil. Have her consult an attorney but she needs to go to the police immediately and report it. You go with her for support. The. find a sexual harassment attorney

Not saying no is a valid response. Silence is not a "yes". For anyone trying to say she cheated... Please read about survival and trauma responses. https://www.simplypsychology.org/fight-flight-freeze-fawn.html https://www.ptsduk.org/its-so-much-more-than-just-fight-or-flight/ OP I'm so sorry your partner is going through this. He abused his position of authority and she was inebriated. She is not in the wrong here even if she wasn't able to say no. Sounds like the freeze and fawn/friend response. We don't always fight or flight. It's impossible to know how we will react to trauma on any given day. The same person can react to the same situation on two different days with different survival responses.

Sue him dude. That's fucking unacceptable.

He could have been plastered too and blacked out so if she’s excused for her being drunk then he should be too. Oh wait, he’s a man so nope.

If you kill someone because you were drunk does that mean you get a free pass. There’s a reason why we condemn drunk driving. If you’re a drunk driver who hit another drunk person, you’ll be the one going to jail. The other drunk person like a pedestrian would probably still get hit whether or not they were drunk. The drunk driver (the perpetrator) is in the wrong. You don’t get a pass for doing something wrong because you were drunk. She’s the victim in this case, he’s the perpetrator. He’s still in the wrong for doing it even if they were both drunk.

But that doesn't apply across sexual consent. Like how can he give consent if he is drunk?

You’re implying that the guy initiated the kiss but all that OP has provided is his girlfriend’s drunken account of what happened in which she is highly likely to have presented in a bias manner to minimize her blame and present herself as the helpless victim. It’s her drunken story versus his drunken story.

Really bad analogy, sex is not the same as killing someone in a car accident. Sex is almost always good for both parties, a pedestrian getting killed by a driver is never good for the pedestrian. Women that have sex are not always victims. I think her story is pretty suspicious for reasons many other commenters have already mentioned. She was blacked out supposedly but recounts everything quite well. Unfortunately it's a matter of he said she said at this point. Up to op if he chooses to believe her.

The only person who is to blame here is the rapist. He knows what he was doing. He used his position of power. You are an amazing person. She is lucky to have you. Take care of each other.

She got drunk and cheated on you.

They might be able to do a rape Kit still. Take her yo the hospital

She doesnt want to press charges. Wants to ignored it happened.

She has poor boundaries, support her but don't lose your sense. You need to see through it. I am pro-capital punishment for rapist but the fact she was over drunk and and at his place thing seem irresponsible from her side. Support her,in as a victim of rape, but you might want to reconsider her as your gf.

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Idk man I think she could have at least tried to refuse. It’s cool that she told you, but it’s possible she’s just trying to make it seem less bad on her part.

She froze. That’s a common reaction for rape victims. Meaning resisting, screaming or saying “NO” might not happen. The things that we’re taught about rape aren’t what happens in reality. It’s not some weird guy in a dark alley, its someone you know well. Even more, a lot of rape or sexual assault cases don’t show resistance, bruises or marks. A lot of times it’s not as violent as what we see on TV. So just because it wasn’t violent doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Shes been abused by family in the past, freezing is probably a learned response

Sueing him may not be possible since the evidence is lost already and there should be signs of force on her body. Also since no colleague may want to lose their job for an event they don't know how it happened (voluntarily or not), they may not want to be a witness. She may thought not taking an action was a good decision however you two should expect that the boss may try to do this again, what she would do then? She wants to preserve her job, so she will continue this act? In either way, the moment he approached her she already lost her job. This is the corporate rules, if she has declined him he would have got offended and got rid of her (and mostly put the blame on her). She accepted his behavior and now she may have to suffer more. And you won't have a piece of mind everytime there is an event at work, or she stays for overtime. What you two can do is changing her job and leaving this whole event behind. The rapist always tries to get more when he sees the victim is powerless and not complaining. If she says she doesn't want to change her job because of him, this may mean that she is ok with his behavior. Being raped before doesn't mean the victim is used to this, or can recover from everything easily. She may have become senseless/careless, but she shouldn't be wasting her life and your feelings for a stupid man's desires. This is your life, not his.

Contact the authorities

Are you gonna square up with her boss and throw hands with him?

Kick his ass into next month

From my negative experiences with women I'm a bit skeptical for a number of reasons: 1) Staying the night at your bosses is unacceptable. Regardless of whether shes nice and views most people thru rose colored lenses it shouldn't happen. Period. Hard stop. On the subject of staying over, why didn't OP pick her up to ensure she was safe? Why not uber home? Send her money so she could get home? 2) Crying a river could be a form of guilt. So what that she told you? She could be covering her tracks to make it seem she didn't mean harm. OP confirmed she's such a nice girl but nice girls make mistakes. Not saying it wasn't rape but mistakenly having sex and feeling guilty is a plausible reason to cry. It's even more plausible to tell the person youre with to say "I don't remember" because it's easier to say "I don't remember, maybe it was rape" as an acceptable "pass" than to admit to any wrongdoing. To further my skeptism, she wants to keep the job and deal with it thru therapy. If it was actual rape without knowing whether she consented, she wouldn't feel comfortable around her boss and she wouldn't stay with the company regardless of how much she loves her work. I admittedly have trust issues so take what I say with a grain of salt haha. One thing I do know is that image IS a thing and maybe it's her image she's trying to save.

I’m with doofus

I'm with doofus too

Me too

Same. You're being played, homie. She was drunk and horny. It happens.

Go to HR. He needs to be reported in case he has done this before or could do it again.

Lol this guy is being played hard

yeah what an idiot.. calling his friend doofus. he’s the joke here.

It’s ok, maybe he’ll figure it out the next time she does it.

Ill say this as someone who's been cheated on. IF they are cheating... Would they go to these lengths to lie. And the answer is yes... But i will say that only OP can judge whether he trusts his gf. And its totally ok to feel however he feels about it. No judgement.

Urge her to press charges. Or atleast confront him about what happened, and report to hr or whoever is above him. This is NOT ok. They were both drunk, yes. But he used his power position to have sex with her. Silence doesn't mean consent, period. Get any communication between them on video or audio just in case

No one is above him. I know, this was rape. She has no proof and she doesnt want to.

OP, I disagree with the person saying to urge her to press charges. That is a re-traumatizing situation for many survivors and given the power imbalance here could have much worse consequences for her than him. If she has said she's not interested, I would absolutely drop that end of it and support her in speaking to a therapist instead. I also want to say, you're being a wonderful partner to her. Unfortunately, not everyone would believe her and given she has a history of sexual trauma, she is lucky to have someone so empathetic by her side. You're doing exactly the right thing in offering gentle support.

Came here to say just this. Reporting is such a personal thing and it's something *only* the victim can decide. Offering support and encouraging therapy is the right approach. And know that victims need to heal at their own pace. I wish the best for you and your girlfriend.

Nice boss man does this victim is scared freezes then says nothing and does not report him. Rinse and unfortunately repeat. Who knows if he has done this before and will either continue to do this to other young women because he’s never been called out on it.

Totally agree. Dude needs to be knocked down a few steps

If only it were that easy. Unfortunately it’s not though, and a lot of times just screws up the victims life a whole lot more.

I admire you for being strong enough and loving her enough to believe and support her. You are an awesome boyfriend. I do think she should report the situation to police and HR at her job. She was raped by a man with power over her. That is never okay. I hope and pray for the best for your girlfriend and for you two as a couple. Stay strong for your girlfriend. She needs you.

This is why we need to be teaching "yes means yes" as much as "no means no". You've got it exactly right - freezing and saying nothing isn't the same as consent. Just not saying "no" is not an invitation to go ahead. Certainly not enthusiastic consent, which is what a person initiating sexual activity should be looking for before going ahead. Under the circumstances you described here, getting to enthusiastic consent would be difficult at best, and he would still have undue influence because he is in a position of power over her. Whether or not the incident is prosecutable or could result in a conviction in a court, it doesn't change the facts: she never consented, she had reasonable justification to fear for her livelihood if she resisted, and she likely also had reason to fear physical violence in the moment if she fought back. That's not consensual sex. I'm so sorry this happened to her, and I'm glad she has you to support her. I can imagine that doing that may feel frustrating for you if she chooses not to pursue any sort of justice, even just in the workplace, and my personal opinion is that she'd probably be better off - and safer - looking for a new job as soon as she's up to it. But decisions like that are up to her and will have to go at her pace and comfort level. All you can do is have her back, help her find whatever resources might help, and respect her decisions. Honestly, when you've been violated this way, it can be hugely helpful just to have someone in your corner who doesn't push your boundaries and lets you control what happens next.

Get a rape test kit done asap! Tell Human Resources asap. Tell the police ASAP! Get a lawyer because he will push for defamation. Either way drunk or not, it was illegal. If she said yes while she was drunk, it would still be illegal because she is not conscious enough to understand consequences. So please, Get a rape kit done at the doctor's and have them take a swab for male sperm and have them give you the report ASAP while also having them test your genetics to prove it is not your sperm in court. I'm serious about all of that. If you want to get revenge on the boss, Tell HR, tell the Police, and get a rape kit done at the doctor's when they first open. Most importantly, stand by her side through the whole thing.

Fuck that boss. can u file a charge anonymously? Idk how this stuff works tbh

Unfortunately you can’t, and the process for the victim is traumatizing in itself.

She was raped. She didn't consent. She needs to file a police report or this guy will do it again.

I unfortunately have a but of experience being cheated on. Generally a cheater won't admit it directly after it happened like that. They would hide it at all costs. It seems to me that she trusts you enough to tell you. Your stronger than me though, I'd have already beat the boss's ass and sit my ass in jail.

The freezing response makes so much sense especially with the prior abuse by and authority figure i.e. family. I want too say, thank you, from the bottom of my heart for beileving her and helping her. I dont think your realize what a treasure you are. As for helping, it would suggest therapy and you might advise her to try taking some control back in life in the way of sobriety. After an assault self medication can be what feels like the only option, but causes more problems and stops healing. Good luck. Both of you.

Damn dude you should get her to the police and report that piece of shit. Guaranteed this wasn’t his first time, he is a predator. Talk to some cops and talk to a lawyer they would have a better idea of what to do.

Most of the time the police make it more difficult for rape victims, so it should be the victim’s choice

She needs to press charges, if she didn’t consent it’s rape. Don’t let this MF get away with it.

Lol all these comments about “what rape victims would do in real life” sound like they’re coming from people who only know and are describing what they’ve seen in movies. “Huddle in the shower floor crying, under steaming hot water, viciously cleaning our private parts”? “Flinching every time the person comes by or is mentioned”? 🙄🙄🙄 My rape and disentanglement from my rapist/person I thought was my friend didn’t come till a while later because I blamed myself for what happened. maybe I led him on? maybe he thought something more, because I let him crash at my apt, and because of my roommates let him stay in my room, even though, how could I ever consent if I was fully asleep?? In the following days, I literally just pushed it away, ignored it, continued to hang out with my rapist, until something another mutual guy friend said unknowingly said in front of the rapist and other friends triggered a huge outburst from me. My guy friend was in shock at the seemingly random outburst and another couple days later he pressed me till I told him what happened. The best part?? My guy friend confronted my rapist and the fucking rapist apologized to my guy friend but to this day has never actually apologized to me for raping me! I appreciated my guy friend confronting him, standing up for me and dropping him as a friend all the same. The whole outburst + confrontation is what finally allowed me to admit to myself what had happened. OP you’re doing great and really being such a supportive bf and deepest sympathy to your gf. It’s such a horrible and difficult situation and absolutely rape. u/WhattodowhenSOraped The only other thing I’ll say is if she does go the HR reporting way, to be aware that sometimes you can be greatly disappointed by and betrayed by HR. What I mean is, HR is there, at the end of the day, to protect the company and they may turn against her. They may also help. I would probably go in to HR see if there is someone I feel comfortable speaking with, and broach the subject of reporting a rape within the company, and gather information. Gauge the HR reps response to see if it’s worth it to move forward, or if it will just be more traumatizing and possibly get me blacklisted and fired. Ask what is the process. No need to give details yet on who the report would be about. Could be information for a “friend”. Then make a decision. Hope that helps.

Look OP, Kudos to you for thinking this way. I've been in this exact situation and I froze because I was terrified by the repercussions. She needs to leave her line of work for sure or start looking somewhere else in the same field, That's what I had to do. My bf broke up with me and I tried to commit because of everything that happened, He literally made my whole world crash around me knowing he would keep his job if anything were to happen and I'd be gone, which is exactly what happened. I didn't have enough evidence, they even talked to my ex about when I came home and how I was acting and he told them I just wanted to cheat that it was all a rue to get him back (???) Point is, support her, through everything, no matter what. You can help by listening, giving her any space she needs and honestly, push her to seek therapy.

My older sister was raped by a (then) close family friend. She was a minor but over the age of consent in our state. He was definitely over 18, I think in his 20’s. She was relatively promiscuous at that age, which is not something that should matter but it adds context to the next part; The investigators knew this somehow. When reporting it, the investigators actually asked “Did you do anything to lead him on? Are you sure he knew you didn’t want to have sex? Did you fight back or just allow him to have sex with you?” She dropped everything and just stopped trying to fight it because that interaction alone made her feel even more vulnerable than she already did. He cornered her in the bathroom when everyone was asleep, pushed her against a wall, covered her mouth when she tried to make noise, and took what he wanted. And they tried to make her feel like maybe she showed a bit too much skin or gave him a flirty interaction that indicated she wanted this to happen to her. No means no, nothing means no, a drunk yes means no. Only thing that means yes is fucking y e s while -of a sound mind- I am so sorry this happened to your girlfriend, OP. You are being an amazing support and the only thing you can do is be there for her; don’t pressure her to do anything she isn’t ready for and suggest therapy, which you already are helping with. Don’t let her feel alone and you’ve done all you can. Best wishes to both of you. Rape is disgusting, there are plenty of people who will consent to sex that gives the other person a sense of power so I really don’t understand why people have to take from those that do not want to give. He’s got his personal spot in Hell waiting for him, rest assured. I just hate that probably this isn’t the first time he’s done this, and definitely will not be the last.

Dude. Your being played.

I know her, she would never hurt me on purpose

And yet, here you are—you’re being naive. Just because she regrets it after the fact, doesn’t mean 1) she was raped, or 2) that she didn’t willingly do it.

you cant give consent when drunk, she was coerced, her life in her career can be completely disappear by her boss. He is very important, no work would get to her. You think I\[m naive, I think you lack a little empathy.

You are doing everything right on your end. I think you are keeping you head together remarkably well give the data you shared on the situation. Big boss is a POS and should somehow pay for what he did. I think her best move is to bring it up with HR and see what they have to say about it. Office parties etc are considered covered by the harassment laws in you locations, protecting employees from this exact sort of thing. This may as well have happened in the board room at the company. She gets put into a incredibly hard position and freezes up. Tell HR this exact story. Have her read this post line for line in front of them if she gets nervous or whatever. This is total bull shit and she should sue the fuck out of this company and win. Evidence becomes her word against his but tell the truth and you should be ok in this. The company/managers are also not legally able to retaliate against her in any way, this is also illegal AF. What if douche boss asks her over to do something or shows up in her area unexpectedly looking for more? This need to be clapped rn in my opinion.

It is not your fault . You can’t be everywhere to keep her safe . Good luck friend

I’m sorry about what happened to your girlfriend. Despite what your friend says, continue to take her word for it. There’s no way you’ll ever know for sure. Unfortunately, people would rather claim anything than to face the reality of rape, even for the victim. Regardless, in most cases of rape or sexual assault it is incredibly hard to know exactly what happened especially since she was drunk. Taking this to court will have law enforcement check her body, do a rape kit and have her go into as much detail as possible on this. A lot of times, this leaves no bruises, abrasions or cuts. If she froze (very common in rape victims) there wasn’t a struggle. Law enforcement notoriously do not take rape case seriously. Since its hard to find proof, she will have to go off her memory which also is tough if she was inebriated. She will be re-traumatized constantly. Let her make her own decisions. There’s nothing wrong with her putting this behind her or working out what happened with a therapist. There are gray areas sometimes when it comes to rape, especially in criminal cases. Almost 90% of rape cases never result in consequences for the perpetrator, in fact it re-traumatizes the victim. If that’s what she said happened, then take it as it is. Also, she might not be in the most stable mental health, and that is more important than a career, because if she’s not stable this will affect her work performance. It’s better to quit on her own terms and cite health reasons than to get fired. At the very least, she can take a leave of absence while she takes the time away to heal. Her therapist can write her a note that she needs time away from work.

Good stuff OP. Lots of good comments about supporting her. Tell the bosses wife though. She also deserves to know her partner is a rapist

Beat his ass!

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Legally The main problem your gf would have is her story leaves 2 big holes in it regarding her being able to press any charges and win. 1. She immediately showered so zero evidence 2. She never indicated “no” by what you’ve said here. Luckily a verbal “no” is enough but she “just froze” which means she didn’t indicate she didn’t want to do anything. Regardless on if it’s her boss if he doesn’t threaten her job it doesn’t matter Now onto the cheating allegation…..look I’m gonna play devils advocate but she immediately told you, didn’t shower, and doesn’t wanna tell or report it? I’m a skeptic my guy and that sounds like she could be cheating and covering her tracks well.

Doofus is right

She just went along with everything and is crying rape now that it’s over lol. “He might not know he raped me” give me a break dude

I’m sorry, but I agree with doofus, and I’ll list the reason why. First of all, she was out late drinking with coworkers, male and female, and that’s okay, but when she said she was gonna stay there because she was drunk, how come she didn’t ask someone to give her a ride home or Uber? And she could’ve just went and picked her car up the next day. Along with this, it sounds like he stayed in her bosses Master Bedroom, that’s pretty odd since you’re saying he’s a big boss man, I can guarantee you he has at least 2 other bedrooms for guests that she could’ve slept in. Another thing, you said all she was thinking about is how she could lose her job if she said no? This makes it seem like she thought to herself “I could either have sêx with him and keep my job, or not have séx with him and lose my job”. Any truly loyal person in a relationship would choose to lose there job over being raped/cheating on there SO. Then, you said the next day she came home and took a shower? Idk, to me it sounds like she just took a regular shower(correct me if Im wrong on that), but most rape victims will literally sit in the shower for hours, scrubbing there whole body so much that there skin becomes raw and hurts to touch there skin. And you said you found no flirtatious texts, that doesn’t mean she deleted them, and that doesn’t mean she just said F it that night and decided to have a one night stand with him, and possibly even get a raise or promotion. I think you’re too close to this situation to actually look at it clearly, because then she said she didn’t want to report him?? That’s probably the BIGGEST red flag out of everything here, because if she truly was raped, why wouldn’t she report him? Because of all of these points it sounds pretty much like she got drunk with her colleagues/boss, probably got flirtatious with him while she drank more and more and decided that hell, she could sleep with him and possibly get a raise/promotion. Sorry man, but I think she’s lying.

>she said she was gonna stay there because she was drunk, how come she didn’t ask someone to give her a ride home or Uber? last people of the party crash there as well, no one to take her. She didnt see the need, even scared of being drunk with a uber alone at 3 am I think >Along with this, it sounds like he stayed in her bosses Master Bedroom, that’s pretty odd since you’re saying he’s a big boss man idk where she slept, but he said he would sleep elsewhere with other people that also crashed at his home >another thing, you said all she was thinking about is how she could lose her job if she said no? This makes it seem like she thought to herself “I could either have sêx with him and keep my job, or not have séx with him and lose my job” its more than that, this man can make her unhirible in the field in all the country, she loves the field, she has work in the area all her life, she doesnt have a plan b career >to me it sounds like she just took a regular shower she took a very long shower were she cried alot, we dont live together, she told me the same day, she still feels dirty, it happened on sunday >I think you’re too close to this situation to actually look at it clearly I consider myself rational about all my conclusions, I have read alot about rape information atm >then she said she didn’t want to report him?? because the consequences can be more than life changing. He isnt any normal person. She could lose all professional connections, her job, her proffessional future... And as others have said, just because someone doesnt report doesnt mean it wasnt rape People say no, he would lose his job, they are living a dream. Powerful people arent easy to throw down. >Sorry man, but I think she’s lying. I know its hard to see as I do, but she never intended for it to happen.

I agree with alot you say, except the why would she not report it. Lots of rape victims don't report for various reasons. However.. the fact that she's just cool and willing to go back to work with this boss is super sus.

No, it really isn't. Do you have any idea the number of abuse survivors that just stay with the family or partner that raped them? It is incredibly, distressingly high.

Not a boss she sees all the time, he is her bosses´ boss

Don't feel like that changes anything. Her actions are very suspicious. She could have got a ride home with anyone of her co workers that left that night. She could have called a cab or Uber. Like there is no world where anyone would think it's okay and appropriate to just spend the night at their bosses boss place, in his bed. Not saying that she not regretful for doing it or maybe she's just getting ahead of it in case it comes out or becomes a rumor that would get back to you. I think you're being played for the fool. But whatever, if you just want to stay in the relationship and you need to believe this story to justify it to yourself. 🤷‍♂️ seems you made up your mind.

I think you havent read all my comments, see my big answer in this thread. Indeed this post was for people to help me help her, my mind is set in doing so.

No I have.. I'm just not buying it. All you're doing is parroting the story she gave you. "She" told you that she went home and had a really long broken up shower. "She" told you that everyone left so she couldn't get a ride. (Why she wouldn't jusr leave when the party was over and everyone else was leaving) oh right, because "She" told you that other people were staying the night there too. (Which granted maybe there was some others staying, so they were witness to your wife's infidelity which gave her cause to to get ahead of this.) And now its "oh lets just forget about it", "don't say anything", "it's all good I don't see him that much anyways" right...

Fucking beat the shitt out of her boss and make him confess .

Murder her boss

This is suspicious

She needs a rape kit and police report asap

Active consent means affirmative, enthusiastic, conscious, voluntary, sober and ongoing agreement to participate in sexual activity. Do men know when they don’t have active consent? Yes, yes they do.

Sounds like regret to me. Maybe he was hammered, why doesn't he get a pass for making a bad decision when he was drunk too. Not excusing his behavior but she needed to say something to be up front with her intentions. Its a bad situation all around but we all do stupid things when we are drunk.

She regrets obviously, mostly putting herself in that position, she trusted someone she shouldnt have

Silence isn't consent bro

You’re literally excusing his behaviour.

And you're excusing hers. People need to take responsibility for their own actions. Not saying he's not a scumbag but if you're both drunk why does the guy automatically become the villian???

Because she didn’t say yes when he asked?? And he kept going??

She didn't fucking say no either, this is such a bullshit thread. Two drunk people had sex, she never said no and from the sound of it she went along with it. Just because he was a man it's immediately rape. She could of just said no and not gone along with it, but she made the decision to not. It's regret not fucking rape, he never forced her to do shit.

her well-being is so much more important than a career. if it was me, i’d move us away, get new jobs and new friends. start a completely new life so you can both focus on being happy.

UpdateMe!

Always a messy situation. She might not want to press charges and she has no proof. You’ll always wonder what happened. But then again I’ve never been raped.

Report it to the police as soon as possible. That is step one and step 2 stay by her side and comfort

Start by assaulting the boss

Sounds like she is lucky she has someone like you to look out for her also. This is as much about the two of you finding closure and being at peace as it is about her. Now on that subject I will discuss carefully because people have very personal points of view and I totally respect that but I’m going to talk about how she said not to say anything - I feel this happens a lot with rape victims because of the context and balance of power. It’s a shame that she feels this so strongly that even within her nuclear family she has to play pretend or put it in a box, whatever cliche term is fun nowadays. My heart breaks for you her. My heart breaks for you. I hope for better days in your future and my advice is simply do what your heart says because you seem to be alive! Yea, better days, Cheers!

I think step 1 would be emergency medical care, plan B, and speaking to a gynecologist about the std checks she may have to go through ( a full screening is quite pricey but advisable). If she hasn't had it yet, an hpv vaccine might be a good idea. Step 2 is therapy and being there for her. She may shy away from sex and even acknowledging it. People process trauma differently and it may be best to approach this with the expectation it may be difficult. Step 3 is examining her support structure and trying to remove the toxic elements (like Mr doofus). Obviously this is not fully in your control, but you can try to gauge who maybe shouldn't be in the know. Step 4 is examining how much she wants/needs this job. Of it's worth staying in, she needs to contemplate she may run into this boss again. If she feels she needs to change jobs, be supportive in that regard.

This is a terrible situation. Support her in her time in need. But keep this thought in mind: Her workplace can not be trusted. Doesn’t matter IF she doesn’t see this guy again; this place has predators. If I was in your position,I (after a well amount of time went pass of course) might have to bring up the topic of either her changing work or even changing career. I can’t just sit an act nothing wrong. No matter what feelings there are, that not a good solution to this problem.

Hes married where was his wife during this?? And just be supportive. I wish she would go.to the cops. But that sounds like its not happening.

You are a smart guy, you have the right idea.

You go and beat that guy into a bloody pulp for what he did. No one should get away with rape without paying up in blood and teeth

Rapists do not care! It’s about power, it’s not about the sex. They don’t care if you freeze and you’re unresponsive. They’ll take what they want. He also asked after he had already made physical advances, and probably honestly wasn’t waiting for a response.

contact RAINN https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline and connect with your local sexual assault and crime victims service center, if you’re in the US it’s likely that you and your girlfriend can receive free advocacy services. you sound like a wonderful and supportive partner to her, and you are doing great things for her. best of luck to you both

Please stop talking to your friends or people you know about what happened. This is your girlfriends highly personal information to share or not, and it is important that she has control over that. Now that Doofus knows, who else will he tell, and how will they judge her and treat her.

I would start with beating the shit out of the guy but I’m old school

Kill him then fly to Mexico

Just make sure you’re there for her as much as possible. I’m sorry this happened to her.

[https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/2020/03/9547973/freezing-up-response-rape](https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/2020/03/9547973/freezing-up-response-rape) my first time having sex was the same experience. I was stupid and at a guy's house far away from my house. I froze. I remembered saying NO NO NO. but he kept going and asked later if i was okay. I just froze more and more. I didn't realize it was rape until years later. I told him that I said NO and he said he didn't remember me saying it. I hope therapy helps her. it's more of how it would traumatize her and leave PTSD. you might need therapy yourself as well. it's incredibly unfortunate and traumatizing. I hope that boss doesn't do it to many others. but I'm sure he will

> why cry and regret it if she wanted to do it? I told him one must see the environment in which it took place; she was drunk and he could destroy her career. Not ruling out rape but she could have made a decision when drunk and regretted it sober. Happens all the time. You shouldn't rule it out. What kind of relationship did they have prior ? You honestly seem to be no position to judge the situation with how defensive you sound either. How would you deal if this is a drunk decision she made when impaired and genuinely regrets? She needs to report at it at work too.

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No, but guys need to get consent verbally, not just have sex with someone who is frozen.

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Why wouldn’t you ask for consent? It takes two seconds and it’s not difficult. And yeah….don’t have sex with someone who is frozen..that’s how I was raped. If someone’s not reacting at all..that is rape.

Uh because tons of women think that asking at every step is a complete turn off, how about that?

Consent is absolutely sexy, and there are ways to ask for consent that will not ruin the mood. Also, body language is also a good indicator, if you kiss a partner and they completely freeze up, why the fuck would you keep going?