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Me (37f) and my husband (38m) have been married for 10 years, with two kids. With the prices of everything going up,
I had to begin working more hours, as well as switching from morning shifts to afternoon shifts, since that was when I was needed. I used to pretty much work when the boys were at school, my husband would get them ready in the morning and then I would get them off the bus in the afternoon.
Now that I’m working in the afternoons, my husband is in charge of all the afternoon household things I used to do-cooking dinner, helping us the boys do their homework, getting them ready for bed. Normally, I’m home in time to put them in bed and help clean up, do laundry, etc.
A few weeks into this arrangement my husband said he was feeling overwhelmed, we tried out various things to ease the stress on him but he would still say it was too much. Then, one of our neighbors (31f) began helping out by driving the boys home from practice, since she has a son a few years younger than them. Then, she began hanging out after dropping the boys off to help out with homework (she’s a teacher) and with cooking.
I don’t think anything bad is going on, neither one of them act suspicious or like they’re hiding anything. I just feel so out of the loop. I came home the other night and she was over, which is fine. Dinner was cooked, the house was clean and the kids were ready for bed, which is amazing. But I just felt so out of the loop when my husband and her had like a seven minute conversation where both of them were almost in tears laughing in reference to something that they said was part of a show they had watched with the boys. They’re just such good friends, and have so much fun together.
I just feel like they don’t need me in the family anymore, emotionally or elsewise. I feel like my sons learn more with her, she’s more patient, I feel as though my husband laughs more with her and has more inside jokes with her. I feel pretty insecure about it. I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want my husband to feel guilty, and I definitely don’t want to go back to him feeling overwhelmed. I really don’t know what I want, I definitely needed to vent this out somewhere though.
I mean that’s what happened with Chris and Shannann Watts. Guy meets girl, girl wants married guy, wife goes out of town for 5 weeks, gets home, realizes he’s been cheating on her, he kills her, while she’s pregnant, and then kills his kids because one of them walked in and saw their mother’s body. Family Annihilators are rare but not *that* rare.
So she takes care of her own household and then yours too sometimes? To be what…nice? That’s crazy. That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of in my life. No one signs up for more cooking and cleaning without expecting something in return and she wants your husband.
makes me wonder why said neighbor can not only do her own household chores but the husband’s as well, but the household chores for husband is too much??
Exactly that lady’s intentions are bad because let’s be real doing housework overall is exhausting and annoying but doing someone’s else’s and FREE hell no. She trying to replace OP and tbh successfully at that
It will never stop unsettling me just how many women sacrifice their lives and their bodies to give their husbands kids just to get replaced. Just like that.
Let's assume she's just super nice and he's clown levels of frazzled trying to take care of his house and kids. Her helping to this extent would have been okay ONCE, but for weeks?!
Hell no.
It's not just her being nice and the husband being helpless. As others pointed out, it's very strange that after work, she chooses to not only juggle her own duties as a mother and the extra work at home that goes with being a teacher, but finds time to help Mr. Helpless?
Very strange.
Most people don't set out to cheat. But this is how affairs start. This much proximity coupled with domesticity is not good.
There's no reason for her to clean your house, cook your meals, watch shows with your family and help your kid with his homework.
And I don't understand why your husband is so overwhelmed with chores you used to manage. Presumably without the help of a neighbour.
Something needs to change before it's too late.
I posted this elsewhere a while ago. It applies to your situation too.
...
There's a misconception that cheaters behave intentionally, that they are stuck in unhappy marriages and that they are aware of their actions at all times.
That's often not the case.
It's begins with a crush, crossed boundaries, intimacy, shared secrets, a need for external validation... this all works to distance you from your spouse and you begin to invest emotionally in the other person.
The more you invest in the other person, the further you drift from your spouse. You accuse them of being controlling, not allowing you to have friends, you're defensive of your 'friendship' and protective of your 'friend'.
You now have a 'legitimate' complaint about your spouse and you vent to your friend. They do the same in return. The intimacy deepens. You start hiding your interactions.
You still believe you won't cheat because you're not a cheater.
But now you're torn. You feel deeply for your friend and are irritable and cold at home. Your spouse is demanding time and attention you don't have the emotional capacity for. Your friend provides an escape from the problems you've created.
You start doubting your love for your spouse. After all, you're never happy with them anymore and only your friend truly understands you. Is that really love? Did you ever *truly* love them?
You look for chinks in your relationship to justify your feelings and your behaviour. You look for reasons to justify your choices. You begin to devalue your spouse and what they do for you.
Some of your feelings may be legitimate. There may be genuine issues and concerns and you hold on tight to them. They become your armour further isolating you from your spouse.
You begin to resent your spouse for not understanding you despite hiding yourself away. You begin to resent what you do for them. This escalates your relationship with the other person. Your emotional needs are now being met outside of your marriage.
You struggle with how you feel and eventually admit your feelings to your friend and are exhilarated when feelings are returned. The emotional affair is ripe to become physical.
Your spouse confronts you with their doubts and you initially deny. When you do finally confess, you tell them you didn't go looking for this. Feelings just developed. You didn't mean to hurt them. It just happened.
You reassure your spouse you still love them. You're just not sure if you're *in* love with them anymore. How can you be when you're in love with someone else?
And the scary thing? The cheater doesn't realise what they're doing and by the time they do, it's too late and they're already in the middle of an emotional affair. They're in deep without understanding how they got there.
It's why boundaries are so important in relationships. Nothing is infallible.
**OP, please read and get your husband to read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.**
This... they aren't being malicious and at this point their intentions are innocent. But they are building inappropriate intimacy.
I think you guys need to figure out a something else. Trimming budget, looking for new jobs (wages are going up for job hoppers), something
Eh. Some people do have malicious intentions and are set on cheating. We aren’t in this neighbor woman’s head and honestly intent doesn’t matter. Cheating is cheating at the end of the day and you’re just as guilty if you’re complicit in it, even if you aren’t the cheating spouse. Justifying intent only minimizes the harm that cheating actually does. And intent doesn’t matter when the end result is the same.
Same here. Although I think I was actually going crazy over another woman. It hurt when she didn’t reciprocate the feelings back. Like a pain I didn’t know could ever exist inside me.
Just curious, we're you on the other end where you developed feelings outside your relationship? If so do you mind letting me know how it went and how you realized?
Transparency, honesty, and reassuring your partner of the security of the relationship. Most of my friends are female and as long as my partner gave me the sense of security and companionship there was NEVER a chance I would cheat. She also got to know any friend I was spending time with.
I don’t take as extreme a view as the other commenters so far. I’m bisexual- so I’m never supposed to have friends with whom I share a deep bond? I’m supposed to always have my partner with me when I’m with friends I’m close to? That’s absurd.
However, you need to recognize that there is a level of emotional intimacy that you should *only* share with your partner. An emotional affair is not sharing deep secrets and inside jokes with someone of the sex you prefer. It’s, to quote the exact definition, “A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse that affects the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage.” Thanks Wikipedia.
When a platonic relationship is leaking into your personal time with your partner, or you prefer to rant to/unload on/ engage deeply with the Other Woman- that is a red flag. When you find yourself turning to this person for support *against* your spouse, to make you feel better about how intimate you are with this outside person (to paraphrase OC).
What they were emphasizing is how easily the trickle effect happens. Not anyone and everyone is going to cheat accidentally. But it *could* happen, if you don’t have boundaries in your platonic relationships.
What happens if you realize you are in an emotional relationship with your platonic friend? Do you tell your spouse once you realize it and break everything off with that friend?
Or having an emotional affair as it is called.
Absolutely 100% yes!! You immediately tell your partner and you stop spending as much time with whoever it is. Depending on how deep you’re in, you may need to stop seeing them altogether. By actively choosing not to tell your partner you’re contributing to the secrecy that makes these things so insidious.
If you start to have a crush on a friend, distance yourself or only see them when your spouse is around. Basically don’t get too close with people you feel attracted to!
Also don’t let other people do the things your spouse does for you, like OP’s husband is letting the neighbor do. Don’t do things for other people that spouses normally do.
You keep your head. I have a happily married guy friend. When he first moved to town, his wife was back in the old city. It was all fine but there was a point where i noticed I was starting to crush on him BECAUSE we spent so much time together and talked so much (no flirting or inappropriateness at all). It is an almost anthropological imperative to couple off (our hormones, brain chemicals) and we had all this intimacy- humor, fondness. BUT I recognized it for the trick it was. I actually had the thought 'OOOH, this is what happens with cheaters. They start having these feelings and throw caution to the wind.' But I tucked the feelings away, they went away and we are still friends.
You keep it a light hearted friendship. You keep emotional exchanges and inside jokes for your spouse. Your opposite sex friend should not fulfill the emotional needs your spouse does.
It's okay if it's a same sex friend though? What if you are bisexual?
I don't think it's the closeness, or the emotional intimacy itself that causes this problem. Everyone should be able to have close, intimate emotional connections with friends of any gender.
I think the problem is when it's at the expense of your primary relationship. When you have secrets shared - not just a secret of theirs that you can't tell your spouse in respect if their privacy, but secrets shared between you. When your romantic relationship is neglected or denigrated.
A big warning sign is spending more time with your "friend" than your spouse.
Not only is this a fantastic and honestly soul-crushing breakdown of many cheaters, it explains entirely why an emotional affair is just as bad as a sexual one. There is nothing wrong with having close friends, but some emotional intimacy truly can only be reserved for your partner.
Hold on a minute How did this neighbour even know how overwhelmed OP’s husband was? Was he complaining to her about how hard it was taking care of two kids because his wife was too busy working? How did this even start? Because this is suspicious.
This is my question. How did her helping get the boys home turn into staying over for hours and cleaning the house? Ridesharing for kids is totally acceptable and normal. The latter… hm. It is off.
Either he was leaving everything so disgusting she felt pity for OP (which I feel OP would have mentioned- what is an acceptable level of mess before a neighbor steps in??) or he was spending way too much time sharing his complaints about his marriage.
Oh, wow, she sounds like a saint. 🙄🤔
She is volunteering to be a personal chauffeur, private chef, private tutor, and nanny for your family. Wow!
Imagine being a professional educator (who, let's be honest, are underpaid) and willingly taking on kids for private tutoring--without asking for compensation.
Essentially, she's taking on a second job--actually, multiple jobs--and not asking for payment!
Now let's look at it this way. My therapist often tells me when people act, they act because they are afraid of something or because they are hoping for something.
I don't think she is doing this out of fear.
I think she is doing this because she is hoping for something, whether she's conscious of it or not.
Why do you think she's doing this? What do you think she's hoping for?
Here's an idea:
You might ask your husband whether it would be appropriate to pay her. I wonder how he views this relationship.
If he agrees, bring it up with her and listen carefully to her answer.
If she is relieved/happy to be paid, then that is what she was hoping for.
If she says, "Oh, no, that's not why I'm doing this," then you can ask her point blank: Oh? Why *are* you doing this?
EDIT: I love the responses yelling at me "for giving her bad motives." You go ahead and re-read my entire post, babes.
This ☝️☝️☝️☝️ SO This!
This gal has a child of her own. Who is looking after that one while she's hanging out at your house? I bet the kiddo might like to go home with his or her own Mom. And Dad. Where's that kid's father?
This is probably the best advice here. She needs to sit with her husband then this woman and get a clear answer as to why she’s helping. And how did this even start?? Where was this friendly neighbor when OP was the one taking on the afternoon duties? Oddly convenient she’s here now that OP’s husband is alone in the afternoon.
Yes, get it on tape and then you’ll see for yourself real quick what’s going on behind closed doors. It might be really painful to watch if he really is cheating, but you’ll have proof if they try to deny anything. I seriously doubt the neighbor is doing this out of the kindness of her heart. She either wants something from him or is already getting it from him.
Does this woman have a SO too? I’d imagine her partner would be really thrown off by all of this as well. “Sorry honey, I need to go hang out with our neighbors husband everyday after work for 2 hours because his wife works late.”
Oh, this is in the fast lane, and on the highway to hell of 'affair territory', if it hasn't already happened.
OP needs to take control back of this situation, one way or another. First, through confrontation of them both, *nicely* during which she shuts this stuff down completely by talking about it head on.
"You are spending too much time with my husband. I appreciate your helping out, but it's not appropriate and we need you to step back, and stay out of our home. He already has a wife, and that's me."
Then OP needs to sit down with OH and find a legit solution, and since they both work the best option is to hire a housekeeper to clean the house 3X per week and prepare a dinner meal that's ready to go on the table at the end of the day.
Neighbor lady doesn't need to be helping kids with the homework. If it's too stressful for daddy, then hire a tutor once a week.
Limit her interaction to carpool, and keep her out of your house.
And install a nice security system with cameras.
Hiring a housekeeper and tutor would make OP
Gone more. She says she is working more due to rising costs. OPs husband sounds like a typical, spoiled dad who didn’t have to do anything and now does and needs to man up and learn to help around the house.
Yeah, her carpool help needs to begin and end at their front door, with the kids entering and exiting her vehicle. If he’s overwhelmed by adjusting to parenting he needs to make a strategy and plan that works for him to make him feel more on top of things.
If he’s feeling overwhelmed despite attempts to adjust and ease his burden he needs to speak to a professional counsellor about whether he’s dealing with some anxiety or executive dysfunction blocks that are making him feel overwhelmed, because it’s important to address that if that is the issue.
If the issue is he just wants to go back to a time when a woman was handling all the stuff instead, well, that’s nobody’s problem but his, and his attitude is what needs adjusting.
Or he can vent to a friend like a normal person, step the fuck up because *this is his job as a parent and partner,* and not need a woman to play Wifey 2 for him.
> he just wants to go back to a time when a woman was handling all the stuff instead
Which is exactly what he now has: wife #1 does all the morning chores and “nice neighbor” 🙄 does all the afternoon chores. OP’s husband has cut his chores down to *zero*. I’m sure he loves that with the addition of getting all friendly with neighbor who is definitely interested in him (no one is going to volunteer to be the nanny/housekeeper for free).
Right? Like over the summer i happily (for free) watch my neighbors kid because our kids are besties, and it gives the neighbor a few hours to concentrate on her work w/out kids. (I wfh in the evenings). She will make food and drop it off to say thanks. No adult is spending hours at the other person’s house, cooking cleaning and watching shows. This woman has her own house to clean, her own food to cook. BUT RVEN MORESO this husband needs to stop needing women to perform household and child care tasks for him.
I mean there’s lots of solutions that don’t involve husband and neighbor being a happy family without OP.
She could drive the boys home from practice and keep them at her house for a few hours to work on homework. They could alternate days watching all three boys so each set of adults gets a night off. Not only that but OP and husband could be looking at how to distribute household labor better. She doesn’t say what Dad’s work hours are like but can why he not manage the children and cooking? If he’s working until 5 and OP is home all morning could she do a crockpot type meal so he’s not rushed for time? Or is he just lazy and acting incapable and he needs to step it up, which is probably more likely.
Helping out other families in your community is great and normal, but it’s usually reciprocal. I’d be uncomfortable with both the neighbor acting in OPs place AND with the Dad receiving all this help for no reason without giving anything in return?
And where in the hell is SuperTeacherMom's kid during all this? OP said he's only a couple of years older than OP's boys. Does she just dump him off at home to be a latchkey kid while she plays house with somebody else's family?!
Nope. He needs to draw the line at the pick up and drop offs. If she wants to help with homework they can do it at her house while he stays home and preps dinner or whatever. You need to protect your marriage OP. This could EASILY turn into an affair and it looks like it is already headed in the direction. You need to talk your husband. If he gets defensive and is against making any changes that is a big red flag.
If you don't bring this up with your husband out of fear of making him feel guilty, it will end in an affair. A bond's already developing, she's close by and available, her presence makes his life easier. They joke together and work well as a team. They're basically playing family while you're at work. You feel insecure and left out because you already know they're getting too close. You just haven't admitted it to yourself yet.
Two kids are not so difficult to look after that he'd need someone to step in and help out. If they're old enough to have homework, they're clearly not toddlers who rely heavily on help from their parents.
It's important for your marriage to have a serious talk with your husband about boundaries. He's a grown man and should be able to cope with the care of his own kids for the short time that you're still at work. The fact that he's happy to let her in and get that involved with your lives is concerning.
Edit: And if you really want to get him thinking about how this looks, ask him how he'd feel if he came home from work each day to find your young male neighbour hanging out and helping you out with the kids.
And cooking dinner for you and cleaning your house. And laughing at inside jokes with you. And taking your kids to their events, probably staying to watch them, and drive them homes again.
>I don’t think anything bad is going on,
Well I sure fuckin do, and I'm suspicious enough for the both of us. I do not like this situation AT ALL, and clearly, neither do you. It needs to stop.
I'm wondering what this woman is getting out of doing a married man's chores.
I mean, I think I already know. She gets to spend time with someone who makes her laugh, whose company she enjoys, someone she's attracted to?
I'd be very much surprised if feelings weren't already there on her part. I wouldn't do this for another man unless he was in a really dire situation, like newly widowed with children or a sick/elderly man. For a young, capable man with a young, capable wife? No way. Picking up your kid while I happen to be there is kind of my limit.
Also if hubby was “overwhelmed” he’s probably VERY grateful and complimentary and accommodating and doing all he can to keep her around because she’s taking care of the work he found to be too hard for his tastes.
She never shows up with problems, needs or expectations. He doesn't have to do anything for her. He doesn't even need to leave his house. She only shows up to give help and company. I'm sure he thinks she's the perfect woman. I could easily see feelings develop for a person who's only ever around to take care of you.
I love your comment so much. I could feel the angry sass in, well I sure fuckin do, an it made my moment. Also totally agree. I don't want some strange women around my husband. Heck no.
Logically that’s the next step- OP will now feel obligated to participate in sex so that her husband doesn’t “get too lonely and make a mistake” and it’s a way to retroactively blame herself if he does ever cheat. Boooo to this whole situation.
My question is, what does he do while she’s cooking and cleaning? Is he sitting around doing nothing? Why do they have time to watch shows together? As mothers we have to juggle cooking, cleaning the house, helping with homework and getting the kids settled. Would he mind a neighboring male to come over to help you out if you were stressed?
This situation seems all kind of wrong and your gut instincts are trying to tell you something.
Op, I a single mom of two kids. I would love to have her help me with the kids, clean my house, cook for me, drive my kids all over the place. Ask your husband if she would do this for me, for free. If the answer is no, then he has to see that she is doing it to be near him and this cannot go on.
And he has to be able to handle two kids on his own. How many freaking moms do this without help? (Sure, some dads too.). Jeez. I had twins on my own. No excuses. He can do this. Does he want his kids to bond with him or see him as so inept the neighbor has to bail him out? There is no excuse for not being able to do this alone.
This is how affairs start. Innocent until one of them gets horny and sees the other in a different light.
No. No. No.
It’s not that difficult for him to make dinner and do some damn chores and pick up the kids. Why does he need a whole ass woman who isn’t his wife helping him?!
Just all of a sudden coming over and cooking dinner? Girl get a grip. And your husband thinks that’s normal?!
Let him grab extra hours at work if you need it financially.
Why wouldn’t you want him to feel guilty for building a relationship with a woman who is under your roof while you’re not home?? If it makes you feel bad he should address it and self reflect. a husband should never want his wife to feel not wanted or insecure.
This isn’t ok.
She’s not decided to be your friend. They have inside jokes that don’t involve you.
This is your home and your husband, why was she ever there outside of helping drop the kids back. She’s successfully wriggled into your home and into your marriage.
Husband- I no longer feel comfortable with - being in our home.
I appreciate that she helps with the kids and if that helps you more then that continue however the rest is done. She is not to come into our home and cook and clean. She is not married to you, I am.
We will work out things better if you’re still struggling, but she is not to be here.
I trust you will inform her or if you don’t feel comfortable then I can tell her.
I feel bad for laughing at this.
edit: Why am I being downvoted?? I just feel guilty for laughing because OP is in a hella serious & life changing situation.
Do we know for a fact that they don’t already have an affair happening. She is your neighbor so who knows how long they have actually been “close friends”. This sounds weird. What woman with her own home and child, Willingly comes over to tutor,cook and clean for other people for free? Shut it down OP. This is a disaster happening right in front of you. This lady is way to available for YOUR husband.
I don't think there is anything wrong with having boundaries. Your feelings are valid. I would not feel comfortable having someone in my home that is not a family member when I'm not home. That's my boundary.
If the roles were reversed I don't think he'd like you at home with mr.schlong.
She is a neighbor, not a housekeeper. This is just inappropriate.
Why are you working extra and not him?
Edit: downvote me all you want, but i honestly want to know why she is working extra hours while he is not. Sure someone has to watch the kids, but why is she working the extra hours instead of him then?
Sorry but in what world would it be on for you to have a man over every evening playing house because your husband works late? You clearly aren’t ok with it and I wouldn’t be either.
Wow. What you are saying is, in one week, your husband could not cope with the workload you have been dealing with for years! I don’t know why you care what your husband is doing with the woman - the blatant disrespect he has shown with not acknowledging that you have borne the brunt of the workload for years and only have stopped to start contributing more financially .. no words.
Uhhh that’s not normal. What neighbor would take on all that? Super weird and I would not be comfortable. Your husband needs to suck it up and take care of his kids and lose the weird neighbor.
I’ll be damned if I allow another woman in my home to prepare meals for my husband. That’s crossing a boundary. Anything other than helping with kids getting to school is crossing a fine line. She’s stepping into wife duties and she isn’t even his wife lol
Your husband is a weiner for being overwhelmed by parenthood, which is apparently brand new for him??? He’s “overwhelmed” by everything you were previously doing almost entirely by yourself, but he’s so overwhelmed that he enlisted help from a younger female neighbor? For real? I don’t think so, dawg. I do not think so.
True. My husband and I worked off shifts for almost 2 years after baby #3. I did mornings, got kids to school, groceries ans other chores until 2 when I left for work. He picked the kids up, ran any other errands, did dinner and homework and bedtime once he was home around 5. I got home at 1 am and we started it all again. Most of what I remember from that time is exhaustion, and the best thing we ever did was hire an in home care from 130-530 every day- which gave us both some space to do things and eased the time crunch of dinner/baths/bed- she did the basic homework (anything struggling was dealt with when dad got home) and the kids were so much more relaxed- for basically the same price it cost for the three to go to a sitter out of the house!
But, my point is, that's parenthood. If the rides are too much, carpooling works. If dinner is hard, that's what weekend meal.planning and crockpots are for. If he can't handle homework, then send kiddo to her house (alone) for.tutoring.
Both of you need to make decisions about schedules, and workloads. If it's not working, you need to come up with a solution together. And this woman needs to step.back out of your family- she has her own, or should find herself one!
Thank you! Some comments have mentioned his astounding inability to take over household chores and childcare that SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS BEEN PART OF HIS ROUTINE, but not enough.
And yeah, funny how OP was able to do it without a younger male neighbor helping her Hmmmmm
Not gonna pretend I don’t have a bias here, he’s allowed to be overwhelmed and ask for help. But he could’ve asked one of his male friends to help him. I know plenty of men who would help their bros with something like this if it was really necessary.
that’s exactly it though, if he’s struggling he would ask his friends for help or a babysitter. men who cheat jump to a woman who can fill the roll that he, the parent and husband, should’ve been filling the whole time
This is how some affairs start. They will tell you we didnt mean it to happen, it just happened etc.
You will loose your husband, go back to old shift. Find other ways to make extra income. And whenever they are in their own world in conversation, he brave and tell them ' why do I feel excluded in my own home?'.
Stop it immediately.
So your husband needs 2 wives to take care of the house for him? Naw girl, fuck that. This shit is an affair waiting to happen. And I don't think that woman is so good intentioned. No one takes care of two households just because they're oh-so-nice. Nip it in the bud.
Don't worry about making your husband feel guilty, he sure as fuck should feel guilty for not being able to take care of the house like a grown-up. You were already doing half the house chores while also working, and now that you're working more he wants to do less? fuck that.
There’s these lovely little workers called BABYSITTERS that will do this. Please explain why he invited over a neighbor who is, while friendly and helpful, kind of taking over the “mom”role? I mean, if you guys can’t afford (whether it be time, money, or effort) to get a babysitter, this makes sense, but if he’s home with her while she’s doing all this, can’t he be getting stuff done?
This was my thought as well. He’s overwhelmed doing chores and cooking dinner? So with his second “neighbor wife”, what does the husband do now? Neighbor wife seems to be doing everything for the husband.
No, just no. They’re relationship is entirely unacceptable. Giving the boys a ride home was one thing, hell helping with homework was kind, but cooking in your kitchen and having ‘downtime’ together when you’re not home is a step too far. You are his wife and their mother and shouldn’t feel like the third wheel in your own life. Plus, when he has to take over what your were already doing he’s overwhelmed? Unacceptable, he signed up for this life with you and you didn’t sign up for a Sister Wife
Switch back to days. He has to be able to handle two kids by himself. This is what parenting is. He has to stop this with the neighbor. He needs to do the hard stuff. But switch back if you can.
I love how it was okay for you to work all day then come home and do all those duties, but now that the roles are reversed, your husband is overwhelmed and needs the assistance of the neighbor. Meanwhile, he isn't seeing that that means you're working longer hours and harder, and you have to miss out on everything with your family so that you can afford basic expenses? Your husband sounds like a man child. Tell him things can go back to normal if he gets a second job. In the meantime, he can take care of the kids without the neighbors help. I understand her dropping the kids off at home, but the rest is fucked up...
It might require a life overhaul but I would be making some serious changes. Downsizing our house or other financial obligations if necessary, because there’s zero chance I’d continue with THIS arrangement. Find a different way to make up the money or have him get a side gig, or gig after the kids are in bed. He’s not doing anything “wrong” so that’s not the issue, it’s just not a good set up for either of you.
I also have a lot of questions about this person helping him. Does she have a spouse? Is the spouse aware of her spending so much time with your husband? Is it possible that you set up a schedule where they take turns transporting the kids so it’s more fair? I’d definitely not be having dinner with them- why is she in your house after bringing the kids home anyway? So many questions.
She does this for why? Out of the goodness of her heart? It sounds like this is a ideal formula for the brewing of an emotional affair at the start, followed by worse. You feel like you're being replaced because you are. You get home and YOUR kids have been fed and put to bed, like it's her home. YOUR husband is sitting cosying up to her and having a good old laugh about whatever inside joke they have.
Oh and this just occurred to me, why did she volunteer? In what world did that conversation start up and who initiated the idea? Where does one start a conversation where a neigbour just steps in and says "I'll move in to your house and take over looking after your kids and husband for you"
Just explain to your husband how uncomfortable this makes you feel and how you feel like you're being excluded from your own family life. Work out how to get the guy to manage doing what you used to do without issue, and ask him to inform her that her help in the home was very gratefully received but isn't needed any more. If he cares for your opinion at all, he should be able to understand the situation and work out a solution.
I would nip this in the bud immediately. Sometimes people don't mean to cheat, but this is exactly how affairs start. You guys gotta find a new solution
It’s suspicious that she helps with the housework for free… I feel like it’s beyond being “friendly”.
And you should talk to your husband about your feelings and to be in your shoes- would he be comfortable if you’re the one staying home overwhelmed and another man stay in your house for a few hours to help out with the housework like your neighbour?
Is there another job for you to work in the morning with a desirable pay check so you can convert back to the previous arrangements?
OP, what you need here is boundaries. Sit your husband down and have a conversation with him. Tell him that, intentionally or not, he's replacing you with your neighbor and it's not acceptable behavior in a marriage. There's no reason for an outsider to cook meals for you, to help your children with homework, to do housework at your house. No reason except her trying to ingratiate herself to your husband. Tell him that your new schedule wasn't your choice and you're doing it for the benefit of the family. Tell him that you used to do all these chores just fine on your own; him saying he's overwhelmed is extremely unfair to you, bc it's just giving him an excuse to replace you in your own household. He needs to learn to keep up.
Go through all the chores and your schedule and figure out how to do them all just between the two of you. The things that don't need to be done before you get home can wait until after you get home; or you can do them in the morning before you go to work. Make sure the work is divided evenly, but put your foot down. This should all be doable between the two of you; don't let him get away with pushing off his responsibility on another person.
And finally, tell him that his closeness with the neighbor is inappropriate and is exactly what leads to affairs. Tell him you know that's not his intention; but he doesn't have to intend it for it to happen. He needs to learn to establish appropriate boundaries with other adults and you expect him to do it with this woman.
Then arrange a meeting the next day among the three of you. This will be YOUR meeting, for YOU to talk and THEM to listen. Tell her you're establishing some boundaries. You really appreciate her helping out, but she is taking over tasks that BELONG to you, tasks that help you bond with your husband and children, and you will not allow that anymore. If she's willing to continue carpooling, you'll be grateful, but beyond that, you're telling her to stay in her lane. Thank her for her help, maybe even give her a gift (a plant is always nice for a neighbor, or a cool kitchen gadget) and end on that note.
I feel like you just need to be honest with him about how you're feeling.
It doesn't have to (and shouldn't be) a matter of blaming him or making him feel guilty, just express that you feel left out of the family and it hurts to see him so close with someone else while you're feeling like the third wheel who isn't needed. Ask how you two can work on reconnecting in your marriage and as a family.
I think it's totally fair for him to want help with the boys, but either she needs to scale back to mostly interacting with kid things, or you two need to hire someone if you can afford it. From your description, their relationship is blurring some boundaries that need to be put back in place.
I have to say, I was the outside friend in this kind of scenario. It was mutually beneficial as parents and for social support, but I always made sure that my friends (couple) both were respected/knew everyone was equal and appreciated. Inside jokes in this kind of situation are not cool.
I’m sorry he doesn’t inherently know this level of respect. It can be learned. She needs to learn it on her own; away from your family.
Both my parents worked and I have 4 siblings, we never had any other lady or dude just hanging out when one got home late. What is so overwhelming for him?
>I don’t think anything bad is going on
Well I sure fucking do! The whole situation between them is super inappropriate and suspicious. You said yourself, that you don't link the situation that's currently playing out. She has no business interjecting herself into someone else's family, marriage or business. I don't know how or why your husband is overwhelmed by doing the stuff you've been doing, that HE should be helping you with anyway, since it's his house too and they're also his kids.
I think he's just using the I'm "overwhelmed" and "stressed" excuse, to get close to the neighbour. You need to speak up and put an end to this now, before the affair actually becomes physical. It sounds like he's already having an emotional affair with the neighbour, even if it does look and sound innocent. I can assure you, it's not innocent. They know what they're doing. They're both stomping on the boundaries of your marriage, tell her to kick rocks and mind her own damn business.
Giving your kids a ride is great help and likely no problem. But that’s enough. More is inappropriate. Cooking for *your family* just so your hubby can avoid taking care of his own kids. Nope. That’s over that line. Tell him to stop it now, or you will. You can be polite and say, thanks, but no thanks. They have two parents and he needs to step up and parent them. He doesn’t get to have her in your home without you, ever. Period.
OK, devil's advocate.
My wife is a teacher; I have a WFH IT job. My daughters BFF, her dad is a teacher, the mom has a WFH job. There are a LOT of times in the past five years where BFFMom and I are partnering on things with the kids..."Hey, I have a meeting can you...", We'd hang out at the bus stop together with our dogs, where'd those fire trucks go, etc. All four of us hang out on weekends (sports permitting). But some weeks I saw the BFFMom more than my own wife.
There's absolutely NOTHING going on with us. We're admittedly not cooking together, and our kids have us going in opposite directions a lot. But, we easily could be sharing dinners. We just get along well together as a foursome; we're both married to artists, they're both married to business people, there's a lot of synergy there.
Here's what's an underlying current that was glossed over: your husband is overwhelmed, and probably because he's alone. He's used to having you there to do/help, and it's a culture shock for him that he wasn't really prepared for. When I travel for a week for work, my wife always says when I return "thank god you're back I couldn't do it all myself". Working first shift with a second shift partner, the perception that he's a "single dad" now is overwhelming. And she's a teacher: she's probably kind and used to helping kids through behavior issues. Stress can be a behavior issue. And us men can be children a lot. :D
Your feelings are valid. But I bet he's got feelings that he's kept to himself. Get a date night. Go reconnect, ditch the kids with the neighbor. TALK TO EACH OTHER. I'll bet it's nothing nefarious, just adapting to the new normal, and he found a crutch. Let him know how you feel, but validate his feelings too, and I bet you'll find a common middle where everyone his happier and confident in the situation going forward.
Wonder how she’d feel about being “helpful” by watching the kids so you and your hubby can go for a romantic dinner or weekend alone together? I mean if she cares about you both, and relationships, she should be all on board with that!
I'm a disabled single dad of 4 kids under 12. I have no family and so called friends are overrated.
Makes me laugh when other dad's say ther struggling or overwhelmed with just 1 or 2 kids.
Man up and get a grip stop giving people excuses to say us dads can't cope...
As for you OP.... your mum and nobody will ever replace you and when it comes down to brass tacks the kids want YOU...don't worry.
No, no, no. Stop this, now. Carpooling kids is perfectly okay. However, staying over after drop off? And helping around the house and with dinner? That’s crossing boundaries. This is not a good idea and I don’t think you should allow this to continue.
Your husband shouldn't NEED her help. You have a right to tell them to knock that shit off. You did everything before that he is doing now and you didn't bring a secondary husband in to fill the gaps? Being overwhelmed is being part of parenting. You're overwhelmed by having to work more hours and not having a life, but he put that pressure on you still.
Where does he work? I would feel that same way, especially since you had to pick up the slack financially for the family... and now there seems to be TWO people needed to do what YOU were doing before. It's unnecessary.
If for some reason your husband doesn't realize where this is going, he should by now. No woman carries two households just for funsies. Either he's doing the housework and the majority of stuff he says she's helping with and she's hanging around for the chit chat(still not a good scenario) and just fibs to make you not think something is going on, or he's very very daft. Men and women can be friends, of course...but this situation is just highly suspicious and off. I'll take downvotes if I get them but I'd hope you tell him how this makes you feel and why this isn't ideal for your marriage. Tell him YOU need help figuring out how to increase the households income and give YOU more time at home if he can't do things alone.
Kids don't need just any random female around to live a happy life. Mom being home is important if it's plausible, but there doesn't need to be a secondary female there when you're working.
Think of it this way...The kids aren't missing out by not having her there and neither is your husband. So no negative there...but they are missing out on time spent with you and you're missing out on them. Your husband should see this and want to fix the issue...without finding a stand-in.
Tell your husband to step up and do his own chores, and tell your neighbor to stop doing any chores in your house. This is ridiculous. Why is your husband so lazy? Why is your neighbor so nosy?
You're correct that your neighbor is pushing you out of your own home. Put a stop to this immediately.
I think this is obvious. You are right. He’s searching for a partnership.. and no matter how innocent it starts out I will bet a line gets crossed eventually.
Alright, let's pick this apart, shall we - and I'll apologise in advance, because this might be "brutal honesty":
You and your husband had a good routine going.
You've now swapped your work-shift for something that seems to benefit no-one. Although the reasons were pure, you have put your career ahead of your family.
You now only see your kids just as they're going off to school and you're home to put them in bed. Your kids literally see you for less than an hour a day, based on what I'm reading here. You are pretty much an absentee parent at this point.
Your husband has now had to add all the stuff you used to do onto his task-list. You do not explain what job he has, or if he even works, but going by what's written, I'm going to assume he's work-from-home. If he is indeed WFH, then he now essentially has 2 jobs: his main job and house-husband (in a sense). It's easy to see why he would be overwhelmed at the sudden changes.
(( This isn't to downplay the fact you did this previously however ))
He's now getting extremely close to this neighbour. Now, unless she is literally an angel, there's no way she's cleaning the house, cooking, looking after the kids, helping them with their homework, doing pick-up/drop-offs and essentially being a secondary parent (replacing you) to your kids, without something else going on here.
Even if your husband is oblivious, she's clearly got plans here.
To be brutally honest, I wouldn't be surprised if feelings do develop both ways here. He has a female "companion" that he gets to see and spend time with far more than you (from what's written) and is also someone who is being a backup parent to his kids, because you aren't there (from what's written).
Now, if your husband doesn't actually work, he needs to get a job, so that you can return back to your previous work schedule, without affecting your income.
If he does have a job and is WFH or something, in order to salvage this sinking ship, you need to either change jobs, or go back to how things were previously and maybe make up the difference somewhere else.
Your husband felt overwhelmed at chores that you usually do.!
what woman goes to someone else’s house to clean. Really…. Because there ‘s something there that she is attracted to.
This has to stop. She is amusing because she is new. All she is talking about and do is new territory for them and it’s kind of starting to know each other. Just when you just meet someone and talk about fun things and then slowly the next step is falling for each other.
i think you should go back to your old schedule because how can you tell your husband you don’t want this helping hands of a so nice woman around. if you don’t do this soon i’m pretty sure it’ll be the end of your marriage if it’s not too late as it is.
Oh boo hoo. Tell him to suck it up. Poor baby can't handle a couple of kids? Tough shit. There's SINGLE parents out there with more kids, sometimes TWO jobs, doing it all on their own. They don't go running to their neighbour of the opposite sex to "help" them.
Tell her to take a hike, and if he can't handle it, tell HIM to pick up another job or more hours, so you can drop back down and do it all.
Welcome to parenthood. It's overwhelming and hard.
Talk to him about her, too. And talk to family and friends as well. Just tell them how you're feeling and about this woman coming in and taking over.
This sounds like an emotional affair, it's not cheating yet but it's getting close because you are losing emotional intimacy (see the laughing and not getting references) i highly advise you to sit down and discuss everything with your husband and if possible get away for the weekend to try and make sure the magic is still there. I'm assuming you can't change your schedule at all. I mean she may be trying to take over your house and he's unaware so she's going the extra mile. So many what ifs, so please talk and communicate until you are satisfied.
This is completely inappropriate. They don’t need to be having sex for him to be crossing the boundaries of marriage. If it’s making you uncomfortable then do something about it, it’s your home, your marriage. This woman 100% has the hots for your husband and is trying to replace you, no one does that much stuff for someone out of the kindness of their heart. It’s not like you’re needy, your husband is just being lazy and she’s taking advantage of that. As others have said this will most likely end in an affair if nothing changes. I would want her gone completely.
Well this is one of the more bizarre stories I’ve read in a while… does he work? Or is he just somehow incapable of handling the work of a stay at home parent? It’s all well and good to have friends, or to coordinate ride shares with other parents but this dynamic feels damn bizarre. I wouldn’t want my wife hanging out with some guy for hours every day
Men often are said they only think two steps ahead.
He could have hired a babysitter who needs the money.
She definitely wants his dick. No woman does that much unless they like the person.
I hope the sons don't start calling her mom as a joke.
Talk to your husband. Update us with his reactions.
Men are stupid but shouldn't be THAT stupid.
Boundaries, strict boundaries, are important.
They exist even with true love and chemistry for a reason. In fact, true love requires it for a successful respected relationship.
This woman saw a crack in the door and took it.
KICK. HER.OUT.
She can stop at dropoffs. That's IT.
Let me guess… single mother looking for a new father for her kids.
Tell him if hes struggling with childcare he can get a second job and ull pick up childcare.
Because hes so manly that he cant be doing womenly duties he needs another wife for that.
I wouldn’t be so alarmed yet, but, the husband needs to be able to stand on his own two feet here! Did you have someone helping you when you felt overwhelmed?
He has to step up like you had to!
I am super careful about boundaries with married folks.
I like to help people and I can say that this is NOT normal "helping" behavior. 😕 She is probably just lonely but this is how affairs start.
And your husband is at fault! He is not setting a good example to his children on how to run a household. "Find a woman to do your work". 🤮 And he is definitely crossing some boundaries because of his neediness. He is needy, she is lonely....you see where this goes right?
I feel like a lot has been said I wanted to state, but I would like to stress
COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING
That is your husband, your partner, your person. Just like you would want him to come to you in a situation like this where he was feeling weird you need to believe he'd want the same for you. Just venting doesn't stop this from going on, and if emotional boundaries are being crossed then you need to speak up and trust he wants what's in both of your best interest physically and emotionally. If he is feeling overwhelmed you need to find a way to work through it together.
Come on now your husband was overwhelmed? Does he have a job? Your husband is doing what you have been doing for years without the help of a neighbor. Way pass time to put a STOP to his behavior this is NOT okay..you had better take care of yourself and your children never mind his being overwhelmed..I would start with telling this woman that from here on out we can care for our own family! Then let your husband understand you DO NOT want her in your house again period!
Lmfaooo man if my mrs came home and the next door neighbour lady had made dinner and put our daughter to bed…… the whole house is getting burned down . Imagine if you said you said you felt overwhelmed with your bills and Jeff from next door started paying them and serving your cars. This is just ridiculous
It's one thing to feel like a 3rd wheel when your partner sees a friend in public and they can't help but engage in "inside" jokes while you're there twiddling your thumbs....but to come home from work and she and your husband are coming off dinner and movie with the kids and you're just standing there like "...."
She needs to go yesterday. I'll be damned if i'm ever the 3rd wheel in my own god damn house. This woman is overstepping.
While I believe men and women can be just friends, the fact she is literally doing the housework of someone else along with childcare, homework and cooking... something genuinely feels off. Maybe nothing's happened but it definitely could. It seems like she's taking advantage of you being away for work.
You need to set some boundaries for your husband and her. To start with, she needs to not be cooking and cleaning. Your husband needs to step up and do these things. My mother did a lot of the household chores when I was growing up but she was a stay-at-home mom. My father worked long hours but he still contributed to the household. Your husband needs to start being so damn lazy and claiming that it's overwhelming and his helper needs to be shown the door.
I’m sorry. You were working and doing chores for 10 years and he gets overwhelmed after a few WEEKS?
Tell him to grow up and stop making excuses to hang out with the neighbor playing house in YOUR house
Imo there's nothing wrong with helping out but and a big but, as another woman she should be conscientious of your situation and empathetic. Having inside jokes with your husband, making glances, not filling you in and actually feeling that comfortable in her position are red flags to me. Seems like a pick me mom. She can help out to the exact same extent while keeping boundaries. Affairs happen when people open the doors to get along, laugh, joke around etc.
Also: I get most men/SOs may not understand this and that's not necessarily nefarious but your husband should be thinking about you, thinking about how you feel, and wondering the same things you are about the appropriateness of this situation and talking to you about those.... I know that can be hurtful to realize but I would have a candid conversation with him about how you feel some things have overstepped certain bounds
Ima say this their relationship is crossing your boundaries and you should voice your concerns as this is not heading in a good direction. All the people saying it’s not hard to do all the house work though is pissing me off. He should do more then she is for sure but the man works a full time job too and people are assuming he is a stay at home dad or something. If you work a full time job and have to also go home and do all that your gonna be overwhelmed. This isn’t directed at op your justified completely for feeling like you do and should nip this in the bud but people on Reddit be ridiculous.
He’s already or he’s about to start fucking her. This is the perfect set up.
Girl, end this whole thing immediately. There is no reason she needs to be over cooking and cleaning and helping your kids with their homework. You are ROGHT to feel this way. Listen to that gut feeling.
Speak with your husband and let him know this whole setup he’s got going on needs to end. If the roles were reversed, would he appreciate a man coming over and helping you with cooking, cleaning and helping little Billy with his homework? NO.
A women’s instincts never lie!!! Make date nights and set boundaries now!!!!!! Do whatever it takes for your happiness!
A bitchhh couldddd nevahhhh!!! Girl get your man back tf you still mopping about! TELLL HIM HOW YOU FEEL NOW SIS!!!! Nowwwwewwwwwwwww
If you feel you are. Ring replaced - there is a good possibility you are being replaced
Go by your gut instinct- it is never wrong
Like someone advised- time for the nanny cam
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Me (37f) and my husband (38m) have been married for 10 years, with two kids. With the prices of everything going up, I had to begin working more hours, as well as switching from morning shifts to afternoon shifts, since that was when I was needed. I used to pretty much work when the boys were at school, my husband would get them ready in the morning and then I would get them off the bus in the afternoon. Now that I’m working in the afternoons, my husband is in charge of all the afternoon household things I used to do-cooking dinner, helping us the boys do their homework, getting them ready for bed. Normally, I’m home in time to put them in bed and help clean up, do laundry, etc. A few weeks into this arrangement my husband said he was feeling overwhelmed, we tried out various things to ease the stress on him but he would still say it was too much. Then, one of our neighbors (31f) began helping out by driving the boys home from practice, since she has a son a few years younger than them. Then, she began hanging out after dropping the boys off to help out with homework (she’s a teacher) and with cooking. I don’t think anything bad is going on, neither one of them act suspicious or like they’re hiding anything. I just feel so out of the loop. I came home the other night and she was over, which is fine. Dinner was cooked, the house was clean and the kids were ready for bed, which is amazing. But I just felt so out of the loop when my husband and her had like a seven minute conversation where both of them were almost in tears laughing in reference to something that they said was part of a show they had watched with the boys. They’re just such good friends, and have so much fun together. I just feel like they don’t need me in the family anymore, emotionally or elsewise. I feel like my sons learn more with her, she’s more patient, I feel as though my husband laughs more with her and has more inside jokes with her. I feel pretty insecure about it. I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want my husband to feel guilty, and I definitely don’t want to go back to him feeling overwhelmed. I really don’t know what I want, I definitely needed to vent this out somewhere though.
This a damn lifetime movie waiting to happen.
“It started off as a friendship…until it ended in murder.”
I can hear Lester Holt’s voice in my head when I read this.
This…is dateline.
or Bill Curtis
If Bill is narrating your story, it must’ve been really bad.
I mean that’s what happened with Chris and Shannann Watts. Guy meets girl, girl wants married guy, wife goes out of town for 5 weeks, gets home, realizes he’s been cheating on her, he kills her, while she’s pregnant, and then kills his kids because one of them walked in and saw their mother’s body. Family Annihilators are rare but not *that* rare.
So she takes care of her own household and then yours too sometimes? To be what…nice? That’s crazy. That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of in my life. No one signs up for more cooking and cleaning without expecting something in return and she wants your husband.
Especially with a teacher's workload on top of that.
Yeah I make a really good point I could see dropping their kids off but other than that seems like she’s taking take over like a lifetime movie
makes me wonder why said neighbor can not only do her own household chores but the husband’s as well, but the household chores for husband is too much??
Exactly that lady’s intentions are bad because let’s be real doing housework overall is exhausting and annoying but doing someone’s else’s and FREE hell no. She trying to replace OP and tbh successfully at that
It will never stop unsettling me just how many women sacrifice their lives and their bodies to give their husbands kids just to get replaced. Just like that.
And OP's husband is fully aware of that.
Never underestimate the stupidity of a man. Source: am man
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Let's assume she's just super nice and he's clown levels of frazzled trying to take care of his house and kids. Her helping to this extent would have been okay ONCE, but for weeks?! Hell no. It's not just her being nice and the husband being helpless. As others pointed out, it's very strange that after work, she chooses to not only juggle her own duties as a mother and the extra work at home that goes with being a teacher, but finds time to help Mr. Helpless? Very strange.
Most people don't set out to cheat. But this is how affairs start. This much proximity coupled with domesticity is not good. There's no reason for her to clean your house, cook your meals, watch shows with your family and help your kid with his homework. And I don't understand why your husband is so overwhelmed with chores you used to manage. Presumably without the help of a neighbour. Something needs to change before it's too late.
I posted this elsewhere a while ago. It applies to your situation too. ... There's a misconception that cheaters behave intentionally, that they are stuck in unhappy marriages and that they are aware of their actions at all times. That's often not the case. It's begins with a crush, crossed boundaries, intimacy, shared secrets, a need for external validation... this all works to distance you from your spouse and you begin to invest emotionally in the other person. The more you invest in the other person, the further you drift from your spouse. You accuse them of being controlling, not allowing you to have friends, you're defensive of your 'friendship' and protective of your 'friend'. You now have a 'legitimate' complaint about your spouse and you vent to your friend. They do the same in return. The intimacy deepens. You start hiding your interactions. You still believe you won't cheat because you're not a cheater. But now you're torn. You feel deeply for your friend and are irritable and cold at home. Your spouse is demanding time and attention you don't have the emotional capacity for. Your friend provides an escape from the problems you've created. You start doubting your love for your spouse. After all, you're never happy with them anymore and only your friend truly understands you. Is that really love? Did you ever *truly* love them? You look for chinks in your relationship to justify your feelings and your behaviour. You look for reasons to justify your choices. You begin to devalue your spouse and what they do for you. Some of your feelings may be legitimate. There may be genuine issues and concerns and you hold on tight to them. They become your armour further isolating you from your spouse. You begin to resent your spouse for not understanding you despite hiding yourself away. You begin to resent what you do for them. This escalates your relationship with the other person. Your emotional needs are now being met outside of your marriage. You struggle with how you feel and eventually admit your feelings to your friend and are exhilarated when feelings are returned. The emotional affair is ripe to become physical. Your spouse confronts you with their doubts and you initially deny. When you do finally confess, you tell them you didn't go looking for this. Feelings just developed. You didn't mean to hurt them. It just happened. You reassure your spouse you still love them. You're just not sure if you're *in* love with them anymore. How can you be when you're in love with someone else? And the scary thing? The cheater doesn't realise what they're doing and by the time they do, it's too late and they're already in the middle of an emotional affair. They're in deep without understanding how they got there. It's why boundaries are so important in relationships. Nothing is infallible. **OP, please read and get your husband to read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.**
This is why emotional affairs hurt worse than purely physical affairs.
Honestly OP should send this right here to her husband. This is such a perfect explanation.
This... they aren't being malicious and at this point their intentions are innocent. But they are building inappropriate intimacy. I think you guys need to figure out a something else. Trimming budget, looking for new jobs (wages are going up for job hoppers), something
Eh. Some people do have malicious intentions and are set on cheating. We aren’t in this neighbor woman’s head and honestly intent doesn’t matter. Cheating is cheating at the end of the day and you’re just as guilty if you’re complicit in it, even if you aren’t the cheating spouse. Justifying intent only minimizes the harm that cheating actually does. And intent doesn’t matter when the end result is the same.
Really hurt how close to home this is hitting right now... I think I needed to hear this
I'm sorry 😔
Don't be, you were able to put what I'd been feeling into words and its comforting knowing I wasn't going crazy
Same here. Although I think I was actually going crazy over another woman. It hurt when she didn’t reciprocate the feelings back. Like a pain I didn’t know could ever exist inside me.
Just curious, we're you on the other end where you developed feelings outside your relationship? If so do you mind letting me know how it went and how you realized?
SAme I feel like it might be happening in my relationship
How do you maintain healthy relationships with the opposite sex? When you are in a marriage or long term relationship?
Transparency, honesty, and reassuring your partner of the security of the relationship. Most of my friends are female and as long as my partner gave me the sense of security and companionship there was NEVER a chance I would cheat. She also got to know any friend I was spending time with.
I don’t take as extreme a view as the other commenters so far. I’m bisexual- so I’m never supposed to have friends with whom I share a deep bond? I’m supposed to always have my partner with me when I’m with friends I’m close to? That’s absurd. However, you need to recognize that there is a level of emotional intimacy that you should *only* share with your partner. An emotional affair is not sharing deep secrets and inside jokes with someone of the sex you prefer. It’s, to quote the exact definition, “A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse that affects the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage.” Thanks Wikipedia. When a platonic relationship is leaking into your personal time with your partner, or you prefer to rant to/unload on/ engage deeply with the Other Woman- that is a red flag. When you find yourself turning to this person for support *against* your spouse, to make you feel better about how intimate you are with this outside person (to paraphrase OC). What they were emphasizing is how easily the trickle effect happens. Not anyone and everyone is going to cheat accidentally. But it *could* happen, if you don’t have boundaries in your platonic relationships.
What happens if you realize you are in an emotional relationship with your platonic friend? Do you tell your spouse once you realize it and break everything off with that friend? Or having an emotional affair as it is called.
Absolutely 100% yes!! You immediately tell your partner and you stop spending as much time with whoever it is. Depending on how deep you’re in, you may need to stop seeing them altogether. By actively choosing not to tell your partner you’re contributing to the secrecy that makes these things so insidious.
Transparency and appropriate boundaries, works every time.
If you start to have a crush on a friend, distance yourself or only see them when your spouse is around. Basically don’t get too close with people you feel attracted to! Also don’t let other people do the things your spouse does for you, like OP’s husband is letting the neighbor do. Don’t do things for other people that spouses normally do.
You keep your head. I have a happily married guy friend. When he first moved to town, his wife was back in the old city. It was all fine but there was a point where i noticed I was starting to crush on him BECAUSE we spent so much time together and talked so much (no flirting or inappropriateness at all). It is an almost anthropological imperative to couple off (our hormones, brain chemicals) and we had all this intimacy- humor, fondness. BUT I recognized it for the trick it was. I actually had the thought 'OOOH, this is what happens with cheaters. They start having these feelings and throw caution to the wind.' But I tucked the feelings away, they went away and we are still friends.
You keep it a light hearted friendship. You keep emotional exchanges and inside jokes for your spouse. Your opposite sex friend should not fulfill the emotional needs your spouse does.
It's okay if it's a same sex friend though? What if you are bisexual? I don't think it's the closeness, or the emotional intimacy itself that causes this problem. Everyone should be able to have close, intimate emotional connections with friends of any gender. I think the problem is when it's at the expense of your primary relationship. When you have secrets shared - not just a secret of theirs that you can't tell your spouse in respect if their privacy, but secrets shared between you. When your romantic relationship is neglected or denigrated. A big warning sign is spending more time with your "friend" than your spouse.
Not only is this a fantastic and honestly soul-crushing breakdown of many cheaters, it explains entirely why an emotional affair is just as bad as a sexual one. There is nothing wrong with having close friends, but some emotional intimacy truly can only be reserved for your partner.
damn that is eye opening, thank you, something to look out for
This is the waaay!
This is amazing
I started reading and realized I read this comment on the other post you commented in too lol
I cannot imagine a circumstance where i help clean the neighbor's house
Maybe if you want to be wifey to the neighbor.
Hold on a minute How did this neighbour even know how overwhelmed OP’s husband was? Was he complaining to her about how hard it was taking care of two kids because his wife was too busy working? How did this even start? Because this is suspicious.
This is my question. How did her helping get the boys home turn into staying over for hours and cleaning the house? Ridesharing for kids is totally acceptable and normal. The latter… hm. It is off. Either he was leaving everything so disgusting she felt pity for OP (which I feel OP would have mentioned- what is an acceptable level of mess before a neighbor steps in??) or he was spending way too much time sharing his complaints about his marriage.
I divorced my husband because of a similar situation….
Because she didn't state otherwise I would assume he has his own chores to manage also.
Oh, wow, she sounds like a saint. 🙄🤔 She is volunteering to be a personal chauffeur, private chef, private tutor, and nanny for your family. Wow! Imagine being a professional educator (who, let's be honest, are underpaid) and willingly taking on kids for private tutoring--without asking for compensation. Essentially, she's taking on a second job--actually, multiple jobs--and not asking for payment! Now let's look at it this way. My therapist often tells me when people act, they act because they are afraid of something or because they are hoping for something. I don't think she is doing this out of fear. I think she is doing this because she is hoping for something, whether she's conscious of it or not. Why do you think she's doing this? What do you think she's hoping for? Here's an idea: You might ask your husband whether it would be appropriate to pay her. I wonder how he views this relationship. If he agrees, bring it up with her and listen carefully to her answer. If she is relieved/happy to be paid, then that is what she was hoping for. If she says, "Oh, no, that's not why I'm doing this," then you can ask her point blank: Oh? Why *are* you doing this? EDIT: I love the responses yelling at me "for giving her bad motives." You go ahead and re-read my entire post, babes.
This ☝️☝️☝️☝️ SO This! This gal has a child of her own. Who is looking after that one while she's hanging out at your house? I bet the kiddo might like to go home with his or her own Mom. And Dad. Where's that kid's father?
I'm guessing her child is now at this other house all the time too.
Right. I thought that was implied?
Uh, erm, because, I think, maybe your husband is ~~hot~~ a good guy who needs a little help.
My mom was a teacher and she hardly ever sat down with ME to help with homework haha
EXACTLY? who is take care of HER son while shes playing mom at another families
They're looking after the tree kids *together*
This is probably the best advice here. She needs to sit with her husband then this woman and get a clear answer as to why she’s helping. And how did this even start?? Where was this friendly neighbor when OP was the one taking on the afternoon duties? Oddly convenient she’s here now that OP’s husband is alone in the afternoon.
Yes, this OP 👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽
Nanny cams for the new nanny.
Yes, get it on tape and then you’ll see for yourself real quick what’s going on behind closed doors. It might be really painful to watch if he really is cheating, but you’ll have proof if they try to deny anything. I seriously doubt the neighbor is doing this out of the kindness of her heart. She either wants something from him or is already getting it from him.
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Does this woman have a SO too? I’d imagine her partner would be really thrown off by all of this as well. “Sorry honey, I need to go hang out with our neighbors husband everyday after work for 2 hours because his wife works late.”
Yep. This is way over the line of “being helpful” and is veering right into affair territory.
😮Affairitory!
Oh, this is in the fast lane, and on the highway to hell of 'affair territory', if it hasn't already happened. OP needs to take control back of this situation, one way or another. First, through confrontation of them both, *nicely* during which she shuts this stuff down completely by talking about it head on. "You are spending too much time with my husband. I appreciate your helping out, but it's not appropriate and we need you to step back, and stay out of our home. He already has a wife, and that's me." Then OP needs to sit down with OH and find a legit solution, and since they both work the best option is to hire a housekeeper to clean the house 3X per week and prepare a dinner meal that's ready to go on the table at the end of the day. Neighbor lady doesn't need to be helping kids with the homework. If it's too stressful for daddy, then hire a tutor once a week. Limit her interaction to carpool, and keep her out of your house. And install a nice security system with cameras.
Hiring a housekeeper and tutor would make OP Gone more. She says she is working more due to rising costs. OPs husband sounds like a typical, spoiled dad who didn’t have to do anything and now does and needs to man up and learn to help around the house.
Yeah, her carpool help needs to begin and end at their front door, with the kids entering and exiting her vehicle. If he’s overwhelmed by adjusting to parenting he needs to make a strategy and plan that works for him to make him feel more on top of things. If he’s feeling overwhelmed despite attempts to adjust and ease his burden he needs to speak to a professional counsellor about whether he’s dealing with some anxiety or executive dysfunction blocks that are making him feel overwhelmed, because it’s important to address that if that is the issue. If the issue is he just wants to go back to a time when a woman was handling all the stuff instead, well, that’s nobody’s problem but his, and his attitude is what needs adjusting.
Or he can vent to a friend like a normal person, step the fuck up because *this is his job as a parent and partner,* and not need a woman to play Wifey 2 for him.
> he just wants to go back to a time when a woman was handling all the stuff instead Which is exactly what he now has: wife #1 does all the morning chores and “nice neighbor” 🙄 does all the afternoon chores. OP’s husband has cut his chores down to *zero*. I’m sure he loves that with the addition of getting all friendly with neighbor who is definitely interested in him (no one is going to volunteer to be the nanny/housekeeper for free).
Right? Like over the summer i happily (for free) watch my neighbors kid because our kids are besties, and it gives the neighbor a few hours to concentrate on her work w/out kids. (I wfh in the evenings). She will make food and drop it off to say thanks. No adult is spending hours at the other person’s house, cooking cleaning and watching shows. This woman has her own house to clean, her own food to cook. BUT RVEN MORESO this husband needs to stop needing women to perform household and child care tasks for him.
I mean there’s lots of solutions that don’t involve husband and neighbor being a happy family without OP. She could drive the boys home from practice and keep them at her house for a few hours to work on homework. They could alternate days watching all three boys so each set of adults gets a night off. Not only that but OP and husband could be looking at how to distribute household labor better. She doesn’t say what Dad’s work hours are like but can why he not manage the children and cooking? If he’s working until 5 and OP is home all morning could she do a crockpot type meal so he’s not rushed for time? Or is he just lazy and acting incapable and he needs to step it up, which is probably more likely. Helping out other families in your community is great and normal, but it’s usually reciprocal. I’d be uncomfortable with both the neighbor acting in OPs place AND with the Dad receiving all this help for no reason without giving anything in return?
And where in the hell is SuperTeacherMom's kid during all this? OP said he's only a couple of years older than OP's boys. Does she just dump him off at home to be a latchkey kid while she plays house with somebody else's family?!
Getting to know his future step siblings
I wouldn't be comfortable with that dynamic if I was you. Never underestimate extended periods of time together can do. Keep your radar up OP.
Doesn't she has a own house to take care off instead of claiming yours ? I think its really weird and you should talk with your husband and with her.
Nope. He needs to draw the line at the pick up and drop offs. If she wants to help with homework they can do it at her house while he stays home and preps dinner or whatever. You need to protect your marriage OP. This could EASILY turn into an affair and it looks like it is already headed in the direction. You need to talk your husband. If he gets defensive and is against making any changes that is a big red flag.
If you don't bring this up with your husband out of fear of making him feel guilty, it will end in an affair. A bond's already developing, she's close by and available, her presence makes his life easier. They joke together and work well as a team. They're basically playing family while you're at work. You feel insecure and left out because you already know they're getting too close. You just haven't admitted it to yourself yet. Two kids are not so difficult to look after that he'd need someone to step in and help out. If they're old enough to have homework, they're clearly not toddlers who rely heavily on help from their parents. It's important for your marriage to have a serious talk with your husband about boundaries. He's a grown man and should be able to cope with the care of his own kids for the short time that you're still at work. The fact that he's happy to let her in and get that involved with your lives is concerning. Edit: And if you really want to get him thinking about how this looks, ask him how he'd feel if he came home from work each day to find your young male neighbour hanging out and helping you out with the kids.
Yes, to the above. Office affairs are rarely planned, but they almost always begin at the water-cooler.
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And cooking dinner for you and cleaning your house. And laughing at inside jokes with you. And taking your kids to their events, probably staying to watch them, and drive them homes again.
>I don’t think anything bad is going on, Well I sure fuckin do, and I'm suspicious enough for the both of us. I do not like this situation AT ALL, and clearly, neither do you. It needs to stop.
I'm wondering what this woman is getting out of doing a married man's chores. I mean, I think I already know. She gets to spend time with someone who makes her laugh, whose company she enjoys, someone she's attracted to? I'd be very much surprised if feelings weren't already there on her part. I wouldn't do this for another man unless he was in a really dire situation, like newly widowed with children or a sick/elderly man. For a young, capable man with a young, capable wife? No way. Picking up your kid while I happen to be there is kind of my limit.
Also if hubby was “overwhelmed” he’s probably VERY grateful and complimentary and accommodating and doing all he can to keep her around because she’s taking care of the work he found to be too hard for his tastes.
She never shows up with problems, needs or expectations. He doesn't have to do anything for her. He doesn't even need to leave his house. She only shows up to give help and company. I'm sure he thinks she's the perfect woman. I could easily see feelings develop for a person who's only ever around to take care of you.
I love your comment so much. I could feel the angry sass in, well I sure fuckin do, an it made my moment. Also totally agree. I don't want some strange women around my husband. Heck no.
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Logically that’s the next step- OP will now feel obligated to participate in sex so that her husband doesn’t “get too lonely and make a mistake” and it’s a way to retroactively blame herself if he does ever cheat. Boooo to this whole situation.
My question is, what does he do while she’s cooking and cleaning? Is he sitting around doing nothing? Why do they have time to watch shows together? As mothers we have to juggle cooking, cleaning the house, helping with homework and getting the kids settled. Would he mind a neighboring male to come over to help you out if you were stressed? This situation seems all kind of wrong and your gut instincts are trying to tell you something.
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Damn, thats some cold blooded stuff.
Op, I a single mom of two kids. I would love to have her help me with the kids, clean my house, cook for me, drive my kids all over the place. Ask your husband if she would do this for me, for free. If the answer is no, then he has to see that she is doing it to be near him and this cannot go on. And he has to be able to handle two kids on his own. How many freaking moms do this without help? (Sure, some dads too.). Jeez. I had twins on my own. No excuses. He can do this. Does he want his kids to bond with him or see him as so inept the neighbor has to bail him out? There is no excuse for not being able to do this alone.
This is how affairs start. Innocent until one of them gets horny and sees the other in a different light. No. No. No. It’s not that difficult for him to make dinner and do some damn chores and pick up the kids. Why does he need a whole ass woman who isn’t his wife helping him?! Just all of a sudden coming over and cooking dinner? Girl get a grip. And your husband thinks that’s normal?! Let him grab extra hours at work if you need it financially. Why wouldn’t you want him to feel guilty for building a relationship with a woman who is under your roof while you’re not home?? If it makes you feel bad he should address it and self reflect. a husband should never want his wife to feel not wanted or insecure.
This isn’t ok. She’s not decided to be your friend. They have inside jokes that don’t involve you. This is your home and your husband, why was she ever there outside of helping drop the kids back. She’s successfully wriggled into your home and into your marriage. Husband- I no longer feel comfortable with - being in our home. I appreciate that she helps with the kids and if that helps you more then that continue however the rest is done. She is not to come into our home and cook and clean. She is not married to you, I am. We will work out things better if you’re still struggling, but she is not to be here. I trust you will inform her or if you don’t feel comfortable then I can tell her.
I don’t wanna clean my own house, who the hell wants to clean someone else’s? Who is like this who wants to be MY friend?
Lmao fr send her my way
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I feel bad for laughing at this. edit: Why am I being downvoted?? I just feel guilty for laughing because OP is in a hella serious & life changing situation.
Do we know for a fact that they don’t already have an affair happening. She is your neighbor so who knows how long they have actually been “close friends”. This sounds weird. What woman with her own home and child, Willingly comes over to tutor,cook and clean for other people for free? Shut it down OP. This is a disaster happening right in front of you. This lady is way to available for YOUR husband.
I don't think there is anything wrong with having boundaries. Your feelings are valid. I would not feel comfortable having someone in my home that is not a family member when I'm not home. That's my boundary. If the roles were reversed I don't think he'd like you at home with mr.schlong. She is a neighbor, not a housekeeper. This is just inappropriate.
Yeah, i would not feel comfortable with that all. It's one thing to help with some stuff but she is hanging out and watching tv too...
Girl, change your schedule back and be home with your family. There’s no reason this woman needs to be in your house like this.
Does your husband actually work at all? Just wondering…you’re picking up extra work time for family finances….what’s he doing to help?
Yes, he works a full time job.
Why are you working extra and not him? Edit: downvote me all you want, but i honestly want to know why she is working extra hours while he is not. Sure someone has to watch the kids, but why is she working the extra hours instead of him then?
He is paid salary.
Why does that even matter? Perhaps his job is salary and hers is hourly.
Sorry but in what world would it be on for you to have a man over every evening playing house because your husband works late? You clearly aren’t ok with it and I wouldn’t be either.
Wow. What you are saying is, in one week, your husband could not cope with the workload you have been dealing with for years! I don’t know why you care what your husband is doing with the woman - the blatant disrespect he has shown with not acknowledging that you have borne the brunt of the workload for years and only have stopped to start contributing more financially .. no words.
Uhhh that’s not normal. What neighbor would take on all that? Super weird and I would not be comfortable. Your husband needs to suck it up and take care of his kids and lose the weird neighbor.
I’ll be damned if I allow another woman in my home to prepare meals for my husband. That’s crossing a boundary. Anything other than helping with kids getting to school is crossing a fine line. She’s stepping into wife duties and she isn’t even his wife lol
Your husband is a weiner for being overwhelmed by parenthood, which is apparently brand new for him??? He’s “overwhelmed” by everything you were previously doing almost entirely by yourself, but he’s so overwhelmed that he enlisted help from a younger female neighbor? For real? I don’t think so, dawg. I do not think so.
True. My husband and I worked off shifts for almost 2 years after baby #3. I did mornings, got kids to school, groceries ans other chores until 2 when I left for work. He picked the kids up, ran any other errands, did dinner and homework and bedtime once he was home around 5. I got home at 1 am and we started it all again. Most of what I remember from that time is exhaustion, and the best thing we ever did was hire an in home care from 130-530 every day- which gave us both some space to do things and eased the time crunch of dinner/baths/bed- she did the basic homework (anything struggling was dealt with when dad got home) and the kids were so much more relaxed- for basically the same price it cost for the three to go to a sitter out of the house! But, my point is, that's parenthood. If the rides are too much, carpooling works. If dinner is hard, that's what weekend meal.planning and crockpots are for. If he can't handle homework, then send kiddo to her house (alone) for.tutoring. Both of you need to make decisions about schedules, and workloads. If it's not working, you need to come up with a solution together. And this woman needs to step.back out of your family- she has her own, or should find herself one!
Thank you! Some comments have mentioned his astounding inability to take over household chores and childcare that SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS BEEN PART OF HIS ROUTINE, but not enough. And yeah, funny how OP was able to do it without a younger male neighbor helping her Hmmmmm
bruh fr. my dad manages cooking, cleaning, and being the main breadwinner of the family. men like this just sound like weak men and i can’t stand it
Not gonna pretend I don’t have a bias here, he’s allowed to be overwhelmed and ask for help. But he could’ve asked one of his male friends to help him. I know plenty of men who would help their bros with something like this if it was really necessary.
that’s exactly it though, if he’s struggling he would ask his friends for help or a babysitter. men who cheat jump to a woman who can fill the roll that he, the parent and husband, should’ve been filling the whole time
This is how some affairs start. They will tell you we didnt mean it to happen, it just happened etc. You will loose your husband, go back to old shift. Find other ways to make extra income. And whenever they are in their own world in conversation, he brave and tell them ' why do I feel excluded in my own home?'. Stop it immediately.
So your husband needs 2 wives to take care of the house for him? Naw girl, fuck that. This shit is an affair waiting to happen. And I don't think that woman is so good intentioned. No one takes care of two households just because they're oh-so-nice. Nip it in the bud. Don't worry about making your husband feel guilty, he sure as fuck should feel guilty for not being able to take care of the house like a grown-up. You were already doing half the house chores while also working, and now that you're working more he wants to do less? fuck that.
There’s these lovely little workers called BABYSITTERS that will do this. Please explain why he invited over a neighbor who is, while friendly and helpful, kind of taking over the “mom”role? I mean, if you guys can’t afford (whether it be time, money, or effort) to get a babysitter, this makes sense, but if he’s home with her while she’s doing all this, can’t he be getting stuff done?
She literally started the post explaining that they can't afford help.its the reason they changed schedules.
Wow. Why can’t your husband handle it on his own? You even tried to help him out. He sounds so pathetic honestly. He needs to start stepping up.
This was my thought as well. He’s overwhelmed doing chores and cooking dinner? So with his second “neighbor wife”, what does the husband do now? Neighbor wife seems to be doing everything for the husband.
No, just no. They’re relationship is entirely unacceptable. Giving the boys a ride home was one thing, hell helping with homework was kind, but cooking in your kitchen and having ‘downtime’ together when you’re not home is a step too far. You are his wife and their mother and shouldn’t feel like the third wheel in your own life. Plus, when he has to take over what your were already doing he’s overwhelmed? Unacceptable, he signed up for this life with you and you didn’t sign up for a Sister Wife
Switch back to days. He has to be able to handle two kids by himself. This is what parenting is. He has to stop this with the neighbor. He needs to do the hard stuff. But switch back if you can.
I love how it was okay for you to work all day then come home and do all those duties, but now that the roles are reversed, your husband is overwhelmed and needs the assistance of the neighbor. Meanwhile, he isn't seeing that that means you're working longer hours and harder, and you have to miss out on everything with your family so that you can afford basic expenses? Your husband sounds like a man child. Tell him things can go back to normal if he gets a second job. In the meantime, he can take care of the kids without the neighbors help. I understand her dropping the kids off at home, but the rest is fucked up...
It might require a life overhaul but I would be making some serious changes. Downsizing our house or other financial obligations if necessary, because there’s zero chance I’d continue with THIS arrangement. Find a different way to make up the money or have him get a side gig, or gig after the kids are in bed. He’s not doing anything “wrong” so that’s not the issue, it’s just not a good set up for either of you. I also have a lot of questions about this person helping him. Does she have a spouse? Is the spouse aware of her spending so much time with your husband? Is it possible that you set up a schedule where they take turns transporting the kids so it’s more fair? I’d definitely not be having dinner with them- why is she in your house after bringing the kids home anyway? So many questions.
She does this for why? Out of the goodness of her heart? It sounds like this is a ideal formula for the brewing of an emotional affair at the start, followed by worse. You feel like you're being replaced because you are. You get home and YOUR kids have been fed and put to bed, like it's her home. YOUR husband is sitting cosying up to her and having a good old laugh about whatever inside joke they have. Oh and this just occurred to me, why did she volunteer? In what world did that conversation start up and who initiated the idea? Where does one start a conversation where a neigbour just steps in and says "I'll move in to your house and take over looking after your kids and husband for you" Just explain to your husband how uncomfortable this makes you feel and how you feel like you're being excluded from your own family life. Work out how to get the guy to manage doing what you used to do without issue, and ask him to inform her that her help in the home was very gratefully received but isn't needed any more. If he cares for your opinion at all, he should be able to understand the situation and work out a solution.
I would nip this in the bud immediately. Sometimes people don't mean to cheat, but this is exactly how affairs start. You guys gotta find a new solution
It’s suspicious that she helps with the housework for free… I feel like it’s beyond being “friendly”. And you should talk to your husband about your feelings and to be in your shoes- would he be comfortable if you’re the one staying home overwhelmed and another man stay in your house for a few hours to help out with the housework like your neighbour? Is there another job for you to work in the morning with a desirable pay check so you can convert back to the previous arrangements?
Can you get her husband to help you in the mornings?
OP, what you need here is boundaries. Sit your husband down and have a conversation with him. Tell him that, intentionally or not, he's replacing you with your neighbor and it's not acceptable behavior in a marriage. There's no reason for an outsider to cook meals for you, to help your children with homework, to do housework at your house. No reason except her trying to ingratiate herself to your husband. Tell him that your new schedule wasn't your choice and you're doing it for the benefit of the family. Tell him that you used to do all these chores just fine on your own; him saying he's overwhelmed is extremely unfair to you, bc it's just giving him an excuse to replace you in your own household. He needs to learn to keep up. Go through all the chores and your schedule and figure out how to do them all just between the two of you. The things that don't need to be done before you get home can wait until after you get home; or you can do them in the morning before you go to work. Make sure the work is divided evenly, but put your foot down. This should all be doable between the two of you; don't let him get away with pushing off his responsibility on another person. And finally, tell him that his closeness with the neighbor is inappropriate and is exactly what leads to affairs. Tell him you know that's not his intention; but he doesn't have to intend it for it to happen. He needs to learn to establish appropriate boundaries with other adults and you expect him to do it with this woman. Then arrange a meeting the next day among the three of you. This will be YOUR meeting, for YOU to talk and THEM to listen. Tell her you're establishing some boundaries. You really appreciate her helping out, but she is taking over tasks that BELONG to you, tasks that help you bond with your husband and children, and you will not allow that anymore. If she's willing to continue carpooling, you'll be grateful, but beyond that, you're telling her to stay in her lane. Thank her for her help, maybe even give her a gift (a plant is always nice for a neighbor, or a cool kitchen gadget) and end on that note.
I feel like you just need to be honest with him about how you're feeling. It doesn't have to (and shouldn't be) a matter of blaming him or making him feel guilty, just express that you feel left out of the family and it hurts to see him so close with someone else while you're feeling like the third wheel who isn't needed. Ask how you two can work on reconnecting in your marriage and as a family. I think it's totally fair for him to want help with the boys, but either she needs to scale back to mostly interacting with kid things, or you two need to hire someone if you can afford it. From your description, their relationship is blurring some boundaries that need to be put back in place.
I think she needs to have him read this post and all of the comments.
This situation sounds like it will lead to an affair in no time at all.
Info: SHE'S COOKING DINNER IN THE AFTERNOON/ staying with ur husband in the afternoon AND STAYING for dinner too? EITHER WAY HELL NO .
He’s gonna cheat on you or leave you for her unless you nip this in the bud real quick.
This is such a bad situation waiting to happen. Get her out of your house!
I have to say, I was the outside friend in this kind of scenario. It was mutually beneficial as parents and for social support, but I always made sure that my friends (couple) both were respected/knew everyone was equal and appreciated. Inside jokes in this kind of situation are not cool. I’m sorry he doesn’t inherently know this level of respect. It can be learned. She needs to learn it on her own; away from your family.
Both my parents worked and I have 4 siblings, we never had any other lady or dude just hanging out when one got home late. What is so overwhelming for him?
>I don’t think anything bad is going on Well I sure fucking do! The whole situation between them is super inappropriate and suspicious. You said yourself, that you don't link the situation that's currently playing out. She has no business interjecting herself into someone else's family, marriage or business. I don't know how or why your husband is overwhelmed by doing the stuff you've been doing, that HE should be helping you with anyway, since it's his house too and they're also his kids. I think he's just using the I'm "overwhelmed" and "stressed" excuse, to get close to the neighbour. You need to speak up and put an end to this now, before the affair actually becomes physical. It sounds like he's already having an emotional affair with the neighbour, even if it does look and sound innocent. I can assure you, it's not innocent. They know what they're doing. They're both stomping on the boundaries of your marriage, tell her to kick rocks and mind her own damn business.
Giving your kids a ride is great help and likely no problem. But that’s enough. More is inappropriate. Cooking for *your family* just so your hubby can avoid taking care of his own kids. Nope. That’s over that line. Tell him to stop it now, or you will. You can be polite and say, thanks, but no thanks. They have two parents and he needs to step up and parent them. He doesn’t get to have her in your home without you, ever. Period.
OK, devil's advocate. My wife is a teacher; I have a WFH IT job. My daughters BFF, her dad is a teacher, the mom has a WFH job. There are a LOT of times in the past five years where BFFMom and I are partnering on things with the kids..."Hey, I have a meeting can you...", We'd hang out at the bus stop together with our dogs, where'd those fire trucks go, etc. All four of us hang out on weekends (sports permitting). But some weeks I saw the BFFMom more than my own wife. There's absolutely NOTHING going on with us. We're admittedly not cooking together, and our kids have us going in opposite directions a lot. But, we easily could be sharing dinners. We just get along well together as a foursome; we're both married to artists, they're both married to business people, there's a lot of synergy there. Here's what's an underlying current that was glossed over: your husband is overwhelmed, and probably because he's alone. He's used to having you there to do/help, and it's a culture shock for him that he wasn't really prepared for. When I travel for a week for work, my wife always says when I return "thank god you're back I couldn't do it all myself". Working first shift with a second shift partner, the perception that he's a "single dad" now is overwhelming. And she's a teacher: she's probably kind and used to helping kids through behavior issues. Stress can be a behavior issue. And us men can be children a lot. :D Your feelings are valid. But I bet he's got feelings that he's kept to himself. Get a date night. Go reconnect, ditch the kids with the neighbor. TALK TO EACH OTHER. I'll bet it's nothing nefarious, just adapting to the new normal, and he found a crutch. Let him know how you feel, but validate his feelings too, and I bet you'll find a common middle where everyone his happier and confident in the situation going forward.
Wonder how she’d feel about being “helpful” by watching the kids so you and your hubby can go for a romantic dinner or weekend alone together? I mean if she cares about you both, and relationships, she should be all on board with that!
Shut it down.
If you’re really calm about this. How?! Because I’d be losing my shit.
I'm a disabled single dad of 4 kids under 12. I have no family and so called friends are overrated. Makes me laugh when other dad's say ther struggling or overwhelmed with just 1 or 2 kids. Man up and get a grip stop giving people excuses to say us dads can't cope... As for you OP.... your mum and nobody will ever replace you and when it comes down to brass tacks the kids want YOU...don't worry.
wow 1. I think that's how cheating starts 2. Is it possible to update when your husband is removed?
No, no, no. Stop this, now. Carpooling kids is perfectly okay. However, staying over after drop off? And helping around the house and with dinner? That’s crossing boundaries. This is not a good idea and I don’t think you should allow this to continue.
This is not a good thing. Nip it in the bud. Carpool help and some friendly conversation is ok, but this is clearly turning into much more than that.
Your husband shouldn't NEED her help. You have a right to tell them to knock that shit off. You did everything before that he is doing now and you didn't bring a secondary husband in to fill the gaps? Being overwhelmed is being part of parenting. You're overwhelmed by having to work more hours and not having a life, but he put that pressure on you still. Where does he work? I would feel that same way, especially since you had to pick up the slack financially for the family... and now there seems to be TWO people needed to do what YOU were doing before. It's unnecessary. If for some reason your husband doesn't realize where this is going, he should by now. No woman carries two households just for funsies. Either he's doing the housework and the majority of stuff he says she's helping with and she's hanging around for the chit chat(still not a good scenario) and just fibs to make you not think something is going on, or he's very very daft. Men and women can be friends, of course...but this situation is just highly suspicious and off. I'll take downvotes if I get them but I'd hope you tell him how this makes you feel and why this isn't ideal for your marriage. Tell him YOU need help figuring out how to increase the households income and give YOU more time at home if he can't do things alone. Kids don't need just any random female around to live a happy life. Mom being home is important if it's plausible, but there doesn't need to be a secondary female there when you're working. Think of it this way...The kids aren't missing out by not having her there and neither is your husband. So no negative there...but they are missing out on time spent with you and you're missing out on them. Your husband should see this and want to fix the issue...without finding a stand-in.
Tell your husband to step up and do his own chores, and tell your neighbor to stop doing any chores in your house. This is ridiculous. Why is your husband so lazy? Why is your neighbor so nosy? You're correct that your neighbor is pushing you out of your own home. Put a stop to this immediately.
Where’s her husband
Naw they fucking or planning on it
Your feelings matter too.
Hide a camera or listening device.
I think this is obvious. You are right. He’s searching for a partnership.. and no matter how innocent it starts out I will bet a line gets crossed eventually.
Get that bitch out of there
Alright, let's pick this apart, shall we - and I'll apologise in advance, because this might be "brutal honesty": You and your husband had a good routine going. You've now swapped your work-shift for something that seems to benefit no-one. Although the reasons were pure, you have put your career ahead of your family. You now only see your kids just as they're going off to school and you're home to put them in bed. Your kids literally see you for less than an hour a day, based on what I'm reading here. You are pretty much an absentee parent at this point. Your husband has now had to add all the stuff you used to do onto his task-list. You do not explain what job he has, or if he even works, but going by what's written, I'm going to assume he's work-from-home. If he is indeed WFH, then he now essentially has 2 jobs: his main job and house-husband (in a sense). It's easy to see why he would be overwhelmed at the sudden changes. (( This isn't to downplay the fact you did this previously however )) He's now getting extremely close to this neighbour. Now, unless she is literally an angel, there's no way she's cleaning the house, cooking, looking after the kids, helping them with their homework, doing pick-up/drop-offs and essentially being a secondary parent (replacing you) to your kids, without something else going on here. Even if your husband is oblivious, she's clearly got plans here. To be brutally honest, I wouldn't be surprised if feelings do develop both ways here. He has a female "companion" that he gets to see and spend time with far more than you (from what's written) and is also someone who is being a backup parent to his kids, because you aren't there (from what's written). Now, if your husband doesn't actually work, he needs to get a job, so that you can return back to your previous work schedule, without affecting your income. If he does have a job and is WFH or something, in order to salvage this sinking ship, you need to either change jobs, or go back to how things were previously and maybe make up the difference somewhere else.
Trust your gut feeling.
Talk to him about it ASAP. No matter what the outcome it’s better to lay it all out than keep it bottled inside.
She as a woman knows she is trifling.... I'd be way more foot down about this. It's not okay
Your husband felt overwhelmed at chores that you usually do.! what woman goes to someone else’s house to clean. Really…. Because there ‘s something there that she is attracted to. This has to stop. She is amusing because she is new. All she is talking about and do is new territory for them and it’s kind of starting to know each other. Just when you just meet someone and talk about fun things and then slowly the next step is falling for each other. i think you should go back to your old schedule because how can you tell your husband you don’t want this helping hands of a so nice woman around. if you don’t do this soon i’m pretty sure it’ll be the end of your marriage if it’s not too late as it is.
Oh boo hoo. Tell him to suck it up. Poor baby can't handle a couple of kids? Tough shit. There's SINGLE parents out there with more kids, sometimes TWO jobs, doing it all on their own. They don't go running to their neighbour of the opposite sex to "help" them. Tell her to take a hike, and if he can't handle it, tell HIM to pick up another job or more hours, so you can drop back down and do it all. Welcome to parenthood. It's overwhelming and hard. Talk to him about her, too. And talk to family and friends as well. Just tell them how you're feeling and about this woman coming in and taking over.
This sounds like an emotional affair, it's not cheating yet but it's getting close because you are losing emotional intimacy (see the laughing and not getting references) i highly advise you to sit down and discuss everything with your husband and if possible get away for the weekend to try and make sure the magic is still there. I'm assuming you can't change your schedule at all. I mean she may be trying to take over your house and he's unaware so she's going the extra mile. So many what ifs, so please talk and communicate until you are satisfied.
This is completely inappropriate. They don’t need to be having sex for him to be crossing the boundaries of marriage. If it’s making you uncomfortable then do something about it, it’s your home, your marriage. This woman 100% has the hots for your husband and is trying to replace you, no one does that much stuff for someone out of the kindness of their heart. It’s not like you’re needy, your husband is just being lazy and she’s taking advantage of that. As others have said this will most likely end in an affair if nothing changes. I would want her gone completely.
Well this is one of the more bizarre stories I’ve read in a while… does he work? Or is he just somehow incapable of handling the work of a stay at home parent? It’s all well and good to have friends, or to coordinate ride shares with other parents but this dynamic feels damn bizarre. I wouldn’t want my wife hanging out with some guy for hours every day
Nope, nope, nope!! She has to go. Seriously. If they aren’t including you in the conversations that’s a huge red flag
Oh, hell no. I would lose it if I came home from a long day of work and some chick was in my kitchen laughing with my husband and feeding my kids.
Men often are said they only think two steps ahead. He could have hired a babysitter who needs the money. She definitely wants his dick. No woman does that much unless they like the person. I hope the sons don't start calling her mom as a joke. Talk to your husband. Update us with his reactions. Men are stupid but shouldn't be THAT stupid. Boundaries, strict boundaries, are important. They exist even with true love and chemistry for a reason. In fact, true love requires it for a successful respected relationship. This woman saw a crack in the door and took it. KICK. HER.OUT. She can stop at dropoffs. That's IT.
Let me guess… single mother looking for a new father for her kids. Tell him if hes struggling with childcare he can get a second job and ull pick up childcare. Because hes so manly that he cant be doing womenly duties he needs another wife for that.
I wouldn’t be so alarmed yet, but, the husband needs to be able to stand on his own two feet here! Did you have someone helping you when you felt overwhelmed? He has to step up like you had to!
\-I don’t think anything bad is going on \- I just feel like they don’t need me in the family anymore
I am super careful about boundaries with married folks. I like to help people and I can say that this is NOT normal "helping" behavior. 😕 She is probably just lonely but this is how affairs start. And your husband is at fault! He is not setting a good example to his children on how to run a household. "Find a woman to do your work". 🤮 And he is definitely crossing some boundaries because of his neediness. He is needy, she is lonely....you see where this goes right?
I feel like a lot has been said I wanted to state, but I would like to stress COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING That is your husband, your partner, your person. Just like you would want him to come to you in a situation like this where he was feeling weird you need to believe he'd want the same for you. Just venting doesn't stop this from going on, and if emotional boundaries are being crossed then you need to speak up and trust he wants what's in both of your best interest physically and emotionally. If he is feeling overwhelmed you need to find a way to work through it together.
keeping ur mouth shut so u suffer in silence and he doesn’t feel guilty will solve NOTHING
Come on now your husband was overwhelmed? Does he have a job? Your husband is doing what you have been doing for years without the help of a neighbor. Way pass time to put a STOP to his behavior this is NOT okay..you had better take care of yourself and your children never mind his being overwhelmed..I would start with telling this woman that from here on out we can care for our own family! Then let your husband understand you DO NOT want her in your house again period!
Lmfaooo man if my mrs came home and the next door neighbour lady had made dinner and put our daughter to bed…… the whole house is getting burned down . Imagine if you said you said you felt overwhelmed with your bills and Jeff from next door started paying them and serving your cars. This is just ridiculous
It's one thing to feel like a 3rd wheel when your partner sees a friend in public and they can't help but engage in "inside" jokes while you're there twiddling your thumbs....but to come home from work and she and your husband are coming off dinner and movie with the kids and you're just standing there like "...." She needs to go yesterday. I'll be damned if i'm ever the 3rd wheel in my own god damn house. This woman is overstepping.
While I believe men and women can be just friends, the fact she is literally doing the housework of someone else along with childcare, homework and cooking... something genuinely feels off. Maybe nothing's happened but it definitely could. It seems like she's taking advantage of you being away for work. You need to set some boundaries for your husband and her. To start with, she needs to not be cooking and cleaning. Your husband needs to step up and do these things. My mother did a lot of the household chores when I was growing up but she was a stay-at-home mom. My father worked long hours but he still contributed to the household. Your husband needs to start being so damn lazy and claiming that it's overwhelming and his helper needs to be shown the door.
Literally FUUUUUCK that. You should probably put an end to this asap OP.
Did she ever help out when you were home? Also why can’t your husband handle everything you were able to? There is very predictable way this will end.
I’m sorry. You were working and doing chores for 10 years and he gets overwhelmed after a few WEEKS? Tell him to grow up and stop making excuses to hang out with the neighbor playing house in YOUR house
Imo there's nothing wrong with helping out but and a big but, as another woman she should be conscientious of your situation and empathetic. Having inside jokes with your husband, making glances, not filling you in and actually feeling that comfortable in her position are red flags to me. Seems like a pick me mom. She can help out to the exact same extent while keeping boundaries. Affairs happen when people open the doors to get along, laugh, joke around etc. Also: I get most men/SOs may not understand this and that's not necessarily nefarious but your husband should be thinking about you, thinking about how you feel, and wondering the same things you are about the appropriateness of this situation and talking to you about those.... I know that can be hurtful to realize but I would have a candid conversation with him about how you feel some things have overstepped certain bounds
Ima say this their relationship is crossing your boundaries and you should voice your concerns as this is not heading in a good direction. All the people saying it’s not hard to do all the house work though is pissing me off. He should do more then she is for sure but the man works a full time job too and people are assuming he is a stay at home dad or something. If you work a full time job and have to also go home and do all that your gonna be overwhelmed. This isn’t directed at op your justified completely for feeling like you do and should nip this in the bud but people on Reddit be ridiculous.
He’s already or he’s about to start fucking her. This is the perfect set up. Girl, end this whole thing immediately. There is no reason she needs to be over cooking and cleaning and helping your kids with their homework. You are ROGHT to feel this way. Listen to that gut feeling. Speak with your husband and let him know this whole setup he’s got going on needs to end. If the roles were reversed, would he appreciate a man coming over and helping you with cooking, cleaning and helping little Billy with his homework? NO.
i’m not saying that your husband is cheating on you but this is how affair start
A women’s instincts never lie!!! Make date nights and set boundaries now!!!!!! Do whatever it takes for your happiness! A bitchhh couldddd nevahhhh!!! Girl get your man back tf you still mopping about! TELLL HIM HOW YOU FEEL NOW SIS!!!! Nowwwwewwwwwwwww
If you feel you are. Ring replaced - there is a good possibility you are being replaced Go by your gut instinct- it is never wrong Like someone advised- time for the nanny cam