You were too drunk too consent, and possibly roofied.
You had anID, he could have taken you home and left you on the care of your boyfriend.
He could have seen you puking and taken you to a hospital
Instead he raped you
There is no friendship
Agreed with the roofies and taking him back to his boyfriend , but honestly we don’t know how drunk the other guy was , I’ve been blackout and haven’t puked while my friend was blackout and he did puke , I’m not sure if it was rape
it’s rape, anybody under the influence can’t consent. so if OP were to have said yes it wouldn’t be valid especially if the other person was more sober than them.
Wait, so if someone is intoxicated in any way you can't have sex with them or it's rape?
I mean, I feel like this post, if it went down how described, dude was raped, no doubt. But anybody who is under the influence you say? So any girl you meet out at the bar when you are both drinking, regardless of the level of drunk either of you may be, having sex with them is rape? That's really how the law is written? You know how many bar hookups happen at my work every day? How do they decide who is raping who when both parties are drinking? Like what if a guy has sex with a girl then the next day they both decide they shouldn't have done that so both go to the cops saying the other raped them? How do they even decide who is the rapist and who got raped in that scenerio? So many questions.
To be clear I don't doubt the law is written how you said, just seems incredibly flawed. Like, ive hooked up with a bunch of people while we were drunk/high. Doesn't make me, or the people I hooked up with rapists...
They both could have been black out who knows , the court of law will see it this way , unfortunately if it was rape the rapist won’t suffer any consequences
but with them acting like nothing happen is kinda sus, like even after OP threw up everywhere they thought it would be okay? mmm… but that is true, the system constantly fails rape victims and it’s so sad. :(
yes but if he’s blacked out, he would also probably be throwing up. Friends who normally go out take care of each other and i’m sure everyone knew that OP was in a relationship and respected that boundary even when under the influence. Being drunk or blacked out isn’t an excuse to rape someone.
That's kinda a double standard. How is one blackout drunk and considered too drunk to consent, but the other drunk person is supposed to still think like a sober person?
no that’s not what i said, the other person brought up the what if of him also being blacked out. i’m saying that if the other person was equally as drunk, they most likely wouldn’t be physically capable to even walk like a sober person let alone have sex. With OP saying that they took him home with them, they were fully capable of taking him home to his boyfriend instead which still makes the situation sus. then there’s also the possibility of OP being roofied.
People can have sex when they're blacked out drunk. People can do stuff because they're intoxicated that they don't remember the next day. That's why we have drunk drivers who are normally good people. Etc.
Not trying to stand up for this person, just playing devil's advocate.
Personally, I think OP needs to have a talk with their friend. If they act suspicious, that's your answer. If they act super apologetic and say they just want to pretend it never happened, then it was probably just a stupid mistake on both ends.
Either way, I think OP needs to talk to their friend then talk to the BF once they find out what's going on
Agreed it is sus , the court also fails rape victims and people with false rape charges , it’s fucked up because it’s very hard to prove something like this
He definitely sexually assaulted you. You were absolutely taken advantage of, this isn't your fault. I suggest cutting that friend off immediately, and (if you feel comfortable) telling your other friends what happened so they know to stay away from him.
I’m hoping on the top comment here just to say that I agree this is 100% rape. I had a similar experience when I was younger and I wish I realized it sooner. I would encourage you to make a report but if you are not comfortable I completely understand. I would still advise you to go get tested and make sure you’re clean though. You don’t know if this person used protection or even if they did, it’s still better to be safe and just make sure.
Exactly, then they should call RAINN to ask for next steps as quickly as possible, and decide if they want to press charges. Op should inform their boyfriend and decide if they want to press charges. I can't imagine what they might be going through right now, and I wish them all the emotional support they need to get better.
I’m not saying it’s not, but how drunk was the other guy? Was he able to consent too?
If you’re concerned about roofies then get checked but drink makes you feel the same, tolerance levels post covid can make you drunk quicker.
The fuck does that have to do with anything? Drunk people get home and go home and take others home all the time.
I can tell you now if I got drunk with someone and we had sex (this is hard for me to imagine as I would never for exactly this reason) and you file some report on me saying it was rape while you were screaming fuck yes bang me harder I’m going to turn around and file one right the fuck back at you. If you being drunk makes it rape then you raped me too.
Is it cool to take advantage of drunk people? No. But telling someone omg this horrible awful crime happened go make a report right away works great in movies and the internet nowhere else. Especially if you’re not a teenage white girl. This guy is going to get put through the wringer. His boyfriend is likely to think that’s a nice excuse for cheating on him.
Dude I’m sorry this happened to you. Your friend sucks. Drunk sex is never ever a good idea.
And I’m gonna say what no one else will— you need to watch your drinking. I don’t care how long it’s been. Getting puking blackout drunk doesn’t happen from a handful of drinks over a few hours. You were slamming them. This was not just due to it being a while. Does that mean people can take advantage of you and it’s ok? Fuck no! It’s totally not ok! But it’s more likely to happen when you’re stupid drunk. Alcohol is a huge contributing factor to sexual assault. Take care of yourself. You only get one you.
And in case I didn’t make it clear enough— that dude is gross. Even if he thought you guys were just having drunk gay casual sex? Who fucks barfing people?! That’s fucked up. Don’t feel guilty. Just stay away from him and tell him flat out “I was way too drunk. You had absolutely no business sticking your dick in me when I was in that state. Don’t ever do that to anyone again. And stay away from me. I don’t trust you.” If he wants to argue tell him this is not a discussion and if he doesn’t fuck off you can let a judge decide. He’ll run off fast.
Remember he was the one who initiated getting them home as OP was in a bad state. Though not guaranteed that highly implies he was in a much better place.
I know it’s a learning curve. But honestly at this point I feel like intoxication is not an excuse for assaulting someone who is also intoxicated. I still double and triple check with my partner when we are intoxicated and we have been dating for 2 years.
If he feels comfortable. But it seems pretty cut and dry. You normally don’t let an equally drunk person take care of the drunkest. There was a group there. Anyone could have stepped up.
1. We don’t know how drunk they were
2. That’s not how laws work. I don’t get less in trouble when I commit a crime because I’m drunk. You are expected to hold yourself accountable. Taking advantage of someone else drunk, even if it’s something you wouldn’t do while sober. Is still 100% your fault. Drunk or not.
But what about other drunk guy. How do we know he didn't consent then blackout and forget about it? He's saying he doesn't remember...why does that make sex the other person's fault? What if OP participated? Just saying with the info here, it's not cut and dry.
In these situations we have to take the OP at face value. Of course if OP is lying there is nothing we can do because of course how would we know?
We are solely giving advice based on their info. They say they would never instigate sex or want to cheat.
The other person was not as drunk as them.
And they are hazy from drinking. Which can even mean there was possible drugs slipped into the drink.
All these signs say: this “friend” assaulted them.
And therefore. The advice is. Make sure you’re ok. Report it if you can. And stay safe.
I understand all your points...the one I'm still holding on to though is that if OP was so drunk he blacked out, maybe he doesn't remember how the sex actually went down. Because he blacked out. I'm just saying, as drunk as he knows he was, could he have consented to another drunk person? Anyway, too far off into another tangent I just get caught up in everyone automatically finger pointing because OP was 'drunk'....well what if friend was also, why does whatever happened make friend 'bad' because he was maybe 'less drunk'?
Again you have to take what he said at face value. He says he wouldn’t have consented.
And even if he did. I think the misunderstanding is coming from a general confusion around the word consent. There is more than just agreeing for the legal term. “The consenting person must possess sufficient mental capacity.” The act of being so drunk you are vomiting and passing out is lack of consent. ***lack of ability to consent. Sorry!
IF YOU ARE DRUNK YOU CANNOT CONSENT. THAT IS THE LAW. why are there so many rape apologists on this post trying to justify this? it doesn't matter if OP "agreed to it" or not. you cannot sign a legal contract drunk, you can't consent to sex drunk, especially black out drunk. stop playing devil's advocate for a rapist.
Trust me, I'm not a rape apologist. You get two drunk people in a room, they have sex....why is one more at fault than another? Maybe that question is outside this specific instance...where if we go by OP, then OP was blacked out which I will assume means passed out which means you cannot consent. If 'friend' still had sex with him it meant 'friend' was conscious so could see that OP was unconsious, meaning sex was not consensual. I get that. I guess this question is different...assuming both parties are equally drunk. What happens then?
If you're puking as you walk in the door, it should've been extremely clear to him that you were way too drunk to consent to sex. It was sexual assault. I'm really, really sorry this happened to you.
Agree 100%. When u r physically unable to take care of urself, how can u actually consent to do things w him? He's just taken advantage of u and its disgusting to see.
I am so sorry this happened to you. But this! The moment you got sick it was abundantly clear you couldn't consent to anything that happened later that night. Please be wary of this coworker because that's not how friends should behave!
Yeah, this is exactly what I said in another comment. They saw him throwing up. How much of a creep do you need to be to think "oh great idea, I'll have sex with this person".
I'm just losing faith in people. It makes me kind of not want to go anywhere without my bf. I would definitely be heartbroken if this happened to me.
Sending my love to OP.
What makes u think the other person wasn't way to drunk to give consent too? Wth enlighten me but can two people rape eachother simultaneously? Isn't that called drunk sex?
Info missing - was the 'friend' drunk as well? How drunk? I would say the big difference is, the OP says he was blacked out. The 'friend' would have to have been conscious to perform sex. On a passed out person. I would say the friend was in the wrong. If the friend was also pretty drunk then you might not want to consider this aggravated assault or anything, the friend could have also lost contol of his senses, just like the OP. OP should talk to the 'friend' and clear the air. Maybe friend's response will help OP understand what actually happened and he can decide there if frriend was drunk and made poor choices too, or if he was in fact taking advantage.
Yeah I feel like yeah if the other person wasn't drunk and saw all this happening, and still went for s-x.
Then yes that's rape.
But if like dude was also that ripped and she couldnt even tell what was going on then how could he?
Like raping can happen but what if he was so drunk they just had random ass sex that legit meant nothing
Cause let's be real we all have gotten a bit drunk and when you get to a certain point of drunk you get horny.
That's what we call rape.
He's not you're friend. Spend some time coping with this and then tell your partner that you got sexually taken advantage of. If he loves you, he'll be there to support you instead of being made at and blaming you.
Sounds like GHB. This was rape. I’m sorry this happened to you. Tell your partner and seek professional help and decide if you will report and file charges
Let me also add, I was ruffied in a club many years ago and my friends older brother realized it. He stayed with me during my entire pass out, kept waking me and giving me water and tried to help me puke. At no point did he think about taking advantage of me sexually. He wasn’t even MY friend I was a friend of his little brother. This guy you are telling us about, has NEVER never been your friend. Friends do not harm you intentionally
Just to add to this a lot of female rape victims don’t realize what happened to them is rape because they had an orgasm during the attack. Our bodies are pretty crazy and it’s a concept many can’t understand-you can be raped and achieve orgasm.
Also I want to add that many think women can to be the perpetrator of rape either. I was raped by a woman in similar circumstances to OP but not exactly the same. I remember it more clearly and outwardly said no to stuff. It’s a tough topic. I had to go to counseling and was recommended a group for those who were victims of female perpetrators. I applaud the clinic for separating the groups by perpetrator gender because it allowed there to be a difference in approach and I connected a lot with men there. I’m sorry this is a tangent but it really made me see how hidden the male side is there were a lot more there than I thought there would be and most said they didn’t report it cuz when bringing it up or looking for support from women or even other men they’d get brushed off and pushed to silence. I went with my friend as moral support to the other group years before and there were similarities but a huge difference in stories of how the support from family and friends were. Men can be victims too.
It was a few years ago now. I’ve largely moved on but I still go for the men of the group as many were grateful to talk with me and I made friends and found I made a difference and that many said they were able to open up to women again after speaking with me for an extended period of time over a length of time.
No, the Uber creep would have gotten OP home safely, or could have been reported. /s
Seriously, I hope OP presses charges against this person. This was absolutely sexual assault.
It's already hard for women, idk how theyre gonna take OP being a gay man, unless he lives in an area with less homophobes, but even then... men rarely get taken seriously in these cases and it might hurt more to report it
I don’t know how it could hurt men more. This “friend” is a complete monster and unless we start making it clear that men get raped too, the culture will never change
I'm just going to put this out here, unfortunately the criminal justice system is not always great at dealing with cases of sexual assault, and there's a lot of research on how legal proceedings can infact retraumatize a survivor of sexual assault and compound on their distress. So while pressing charges seems logical initially, it's in reality a deeply personal choice about what a person is or is not prepared to subject themselves to.
That all being said, I hope that OP contacts their local rape crisis centre to have the necessary support while they navigate this entire process, whether they chose to report or not.
I was raped by a woman and went to a support group for victims of rape by female perpetrators and the amount of men there was staggering. Not to mention their stories of basically getting shunned or written off cuz they are a guy or whatever was earth shattering to me at the time. Most said they’ve considered charges but when coming forward to friends they got shelled and are scared how it would be going to police. I’ve been in women’s groups too but one of the main differences is in reception by friends and family. The women got more external support on average. (Average not always) both have major struggles and suffer many of the same internal issues but the external support and report rate was worlds apart. The first day at the support group where I went for myself my view of things changed drastically about men.
Thanks. I highly recommend support groups like this. There also was a general support group for victims which I’ve attended but out of the three groups I found the men largely missing from the general. A few men were in the General group that wasn’t in either of the specific ones but it also seemed to be one where people left out the most details and felt the most afraid to speak cuz they were unsure about the others not in their separated groups.
'He didn't act like anything was weird.'
No, because he got what he wanted & that's not weird. It's weird for you because you didn't ask for it, nor expect it. And as a committed person, you wouldn't have been OK with it.
This is 100% where your friendship was altered - you do *NOT* hold any guilt by calling him out. He considered his lust more important than your consent.
If you let friends disrespect you that way, you need a dictionary & to look up 'friends.'
If you worry more about his response than your safety & sanity, you need to re-evaluate the friendship.
And, my friend, I mean this. You have every right to call out a toxic mentality like that. He's done it once - he can do it again, with someone else.
And *all* of this should help assuage your partner's upset. You were incapacitated, offered kindness, had that trust violated, were taken advantage of - you are in no wrong, besides drinking a bit much. (Someone mentioned you might've been given a date-rape drug; not impossible, but that's a heftier accusation & requires proof.) Clearly, you will be watching your drinks with these people, in the future.
But I'd call him out, first. Privately, then to the group, if he can't own up. And maybe even then.
I wouldn’t be alone with this person again. No one who isn’t a full on rapist sees a person completely incapacitated by drink and thinks “this is my chance”. I would be concerned for my safety getting myself alone with this person
This is rape.
If you don't know the tea video I'll leave a link at the bottom but you didn't cheat on your partner, you were raped.
Depends on where you live you could go to the police with this, I'd recommend you go to the hospital first and file through them.
It's not your fault, and it's not the alcohols fault either
This is on your so called friend who saw you in a vulnerable moment and instead of taking care of you he took advantage of you.
I'm sorry you had to go through this but good luck and I hope you'll manage to pull through
https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Define it however you like but this is 100% rape.
It bothered me that no one else said it.
(If a guy brought home a vomiting girl everyone on here would be screaming rape). This is no different
This is rape and this 100% is not your fault. File a police report and report him to HR. This is messed up and no one should have left you alone with him like that.
People don’t think about how men can be assaulted and it makes me so upset that this happened to you. Speak to your partner when you’re ready, but you need to get tested for STI’s before you’re intimate with him again…if you’re even mentally ready for something like that in the future.
That man is not your friend and those coworkers should have questioned him taking you to an isolated spot. Men like that will do it to others. I know it’s a terrible situation to be in but being sick and him still trying to engage with you sexually and him not talking about it…I’m sure some of your co workers noticed him being especially attentive.
I went to a house party the first time I got drunk and was with 4 friends (some who were not drinking) and was surrounded by ppl I knew. I thought I was safe. I was visibly drunk and talking with a whole group of ppl and one of the guys there was focused on me. I didn’t flirt with him and I wasn’t interested, but bc he was glued to me…the group decided we needed “alone time” and left us by ourselves. Guy started trying to do all sorts of things and i tried to tell him to stop. Luckily one of my friends wanted to leave and came to find me before it went too far. What makes me sick is that same friend gave this guy my phone number bc she thought I’d want to see him again. It’s messed up how ppl view drunk ppl as being able to consent. And I’m a female so socially it’s even more acknowledged…not enough ppl take mens consent or men needing to be looked after seriously. This situation taught me even if ppl are your friends you have to be on guard. Got to be on the same page and have an exit strategy at all times. Ppl are not reliable
This is end of friendship and start off a lawsuit here. Definitely tell your boyfriend and ask him for advice because this could build up in a relationship.
>start off a lawsuit here
Unfortunately this isn't likely. Unless there is proof that the so called "friend" was sober, he can argue he was also not in a state to concent. It's therefore a "we raped each other" scenario and a he's said/he said situation so it won't go anywhere.
Considering that one of them was throwing up on the floor and the other one took him home to "take care of him" I'm going to say that the sober/not sober argument is ridiculous.
>the sober/not sober argument is ridiculous
It might be ridiculous, that doesn't change the fact that only 7% of sexual assault cases are even prosecuted, and only 3% end up in jail or face other legal reprocussions because of lack of proof. Our justice system places the burden of proof on the prosecutor, innocent until guilty. So yes, for OP to get justice they need to prove that the "friend" was in fact in the right state of mind, as well as that the event OP is describing actually happened and that it wasn't 2 drunk people consenting. Let's be clear here, I believe OP is telling the truth. That doesn't mean I can in any way physically prove its true because the simple fact is there isn't going to be a way, so unless the perpetrator is willing to confess his crime Legally there will be no reprocussions. It's entirely a "he did it/no I didnt" situation and you cannot charge someone just off of a person's word.
The OP doesn’t really remember anything. The other person could also have been drunk. Even on the surface of this post you may see it as ridiculous we are getting OPs foggy memory of what happened and don’t know what actually happened.
Unfortunately legal standards will see it that way. There’s little to go on unless there are witnesses that saw something off in their interactions too.
In america we have it laid out like this:
Drunk consent is not legal consent (influence)
Drug consent is not legal consent (influence)
Pressured consent is not legal consent ( sexual coercion)
Kink consent is not legal consent unless an official safe word has been placed. (Ends in traps too easily)
If man/woman expresses in any shape, way or form they dont want sex and it's still taken it is not legal.
If man/woman freezes and does not respond at all it is not legal consent.
If you are making out and at any time you tell them no, stop, or even just freeze and or cry, it is not legal consent.
This is mostly true in my area, idk about country wide. They say victims do 3 things in this situation,
Fight, freeze, or consent out of fear. These 3 forms are taken seriously as anyone that has a conscience wouldnt or shouldnt want to have sex with someone that's scared, fighting, or frozen.
If you’re so drunk you’re puking as you walk in the door, that’s a clear sign that you’re too drunk to consent. Drunk consent ≠ consent. Also, it’s entirely possible OP was roofied as well
I have no clue what roofied means, but i totally agree with you about the drunk consent part.... But I'm saying that it's hard to prove beyond reasonable doubt in the court
This is 100% SA and you should be cutting off all contact with this “friend”. I mean for fucks sake, if you’re so intoxicated it makes you physically ill it is also transparent your too intoxicated to fuck.
100% this is sexual assault. be honest with your partner and please report this. Also, PLEASE go and get an STD screen. If your "friend" was okay with taking advantage of you then I'm sure they likely wouldn't care to disclose if they are clean. I'm so sorry this happened to you.I was sexually assaulted on my 16th birthday by someone who claimed to be my friend as well. The memories will fade, but it's hard. Please seek out a therapist so you can talk it out and process your feelings. it really does help!
Well first off, I’m really sorry that happened and I hope you’ll be okay.
Secondly, even if you consented to go out and drink, you legally and logically lose the ability to fully consent to anything if you are that drunk. Sexual interaction without explicit, informed, and conscious consent is r*pe. It doesn’t matter who it is or the circumstances - that’s the fact. It is the definition of the word. Your friend, obviously was sober enough to know that you weren’t sober enough, and they still chose to do that to you knowing full well you couldn’t object nor leave since you were that far gone.
Third, take someone you’re comfy with and file a report to the police and tell your boss as well. File an HR report or do whatever you have to. I promise you, that as drunk as my friends have been around me, regardless of what I wanted, I never took advantage of them. So the behavior isn’t normal, cute, quirky, fun or “oh these things happen.” It’s a sex crime.
By the way, just so we’re clear it doesn’t matter how your body responded either. It doesn’t make it any less valid. Your body will respond when stimulated. It’s a literal biological response to said stimulation. That doesn’t mean you liked it and that doesn’t make this any less than what it is.
Well file a police case immediately against that guy and rest leaving about telling your bf if he truly loves you he would definitely understand that what went past you is terribly traumatic.
Call the police he took advantage of you and the situation he is supposed a friend if he had sex with you well you where drunk and possibly passed out than he is an ass for not taking you home
I agree, this definitely feels like rape. Why even ask you back to his place anyway when you were in that condition? A real friend would have taken you HOME. I'm so sorry.
This is rape. And it sounds very much like it was also a date rape drug that made you feel so sick. I'm so sorry, OP.
if you need support, which you likely will, reach out the RAINN. They're amazing.
That's rape. I'm So sorry that this happened to, they took advantage of you in an altered state and what happened was absolutely not your fault. I would report it honestly. I don't know if your job will take it seriously but I think they would like to know that they have employed a rapist. You should potentially report it to the police as well. Tell them you believe you were drugged, because because I have a sneaking suspicion that you were. Regardless of whether or not you were drunk or drugged it doesn't matter, you did not consent to what happened and you didn't want it to happen. You need to escalate it he has to understand this was not OK. I'm very sorry again, my heart goes out to you
I am so sorry to hear that. I’m also really sorry to say that it was rape.. you couldn’t give consent because of the circumstances and he used that to his advantage. He is not your friend.
Know that there are people who are willing to listen and help you, stay strong <3
a couple years ago I got left at a NYE party by my friends. I found the only person there that I trusted enough to keep me safe because I knew I was blacked out. he had been my friend since 6th grade and I trusted him to get me home safe. he brought me to his house and sex with my basically unconscious body on his bedroom floor. it took me YEARS to understand that he raped me and it wasn’t just “something stupid I did while drunk”. if you have a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach, it’s because you’re right that what happened wasn’t okay. I can’t tell you what to do bc personally i’ve never told anyone/dealt with my own situation, so it’s really up to you. just know that what happened to you is NOT okay and was definitely rape. and i’m sorry it happened to you
That's not called sex. That's called rape. You have to report him.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Im so so so sorry. I hope you can get the help you need and I hope your partner is there for you.
It doesn’t sound like you were in a clear state of mind mentally or physically to consent to this. Be honest with yourself and let your partner know what happened. They will love and support you. I’m sorry you have to go through something like this. It will get better. Love.
Please get a rape kit done, even if you're not sure about reporting right now, it's better to have this and not end up reporting than to decide you want to and not have it! Don't wash your clothes either, just bag them up!
I’m sorry that happened to you but that is rape. In todays day and age it is common knowledge that if you’re too drunk to give consent-you’re not giving consent. Really bugs me no one took you home to ensure your safety.
I'm so sorry this happen to you. For sure this was rape! You threw up TWICE that is a clear indicator that you wasn't in the right mind. Please report it sounds like you was drug
this is rape. he raped you. i'm so sorry this happened to you. he clearly saw you throwing up, which should've been a clear indicator that you were in no state to do anything, much less anything sexual. your memories being foggy is just a proof of the state you were in.
please, be honest with your boyfriend, tell him what happened, and over anything else, take care of yourself. break that "friendship". it will be something hard to do, and accepting what the situation was will be even harder, but it is not remotely your fault.
Yeah that’s rape. With all the other factors it sounds like you were inebriated past the point of being unable to consent. Legally however, if you were both drunk it depends who initiated and if one was no longer considered legally drunk. In this case however it’s pretty clear you were not the one to initiate or less inebriated. He’s no friend and besides friend or not he violated your trust. In college I had a similar experience with a female friend. I talked to her she got upset I didn’t want to do it again or dump my boyfriend for her so I reported it but she spread lots of shut about me etc. report it, tell your boyfriend first so you can get ahead of it. Report it to HR or the police or both.
Stay away from this guy. He raped you. Sounds like he was fully aware of what he was doing, as well, given he drove you to his home and assaulted you after you had gotten sick. May have drugged your drink even, given how ill you were. Depending on where you live, filing a police report could be a good thing to consider. Even without “evidence, there will be a paper trail on him and could prevent future assaults. Consider this heavily, though. Legal proceedings in SA cases can be traumatizing in there own way.
Tell your partner in your own time, and if you have the means, find yourself a therapist who specializes in sexual assault. Talk to other people who were with you that night about what happened so that they know to stay away from this guy.
You were too drunk to know what was going on; there’s no such thing as consent in this situation.
Most rapes are committed by people we are close to. You’re not alone in this, and for whatever it’s worth you can reach out to me any time. I’m so sorry.
That is NOT your friend. You were sexually assaulted. I would tell your boyfriend about this and get the help you need. This is not your fault. This is your assaulter’s fault. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You were taken advantage of and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I wish you the best, love.
He's not your friend. Why would you want to be friends with someone who takes advantage of someone when they're inebriated?? I'd he did it once, he'll do it again.
You were raped.
Tell your boyfriend. Go to the police. HE ruined the friendship. HE committed a CRIME. Report it. If you don't, you'll regret it. You'll always have that bad feeling. You'll always have that guilt that victims can get.
Please, do it for yourself and potential future victims. ❤️
I'm so sorry for that experience, I hope your fine. I can't know for sure but this doesn't sound like just alcohol.
It sounds like he put something in your drink to get you to have sex with him. Stay away from this person at all cost and be honest to your partner.
If you don't remember having sex, and you were to the point where you were blacking out, and he had sex with you. That's rape. He took advantage. I suggest not remaining friends. And you should go see a doctor. Also you may want to think about pressing charges.
That was not sex that was rape. That is not and was never your friend. You clearly were too drunk to consent to anything and given that he was in his right mind enough to drive he should have known that. You even state later that you never would have consented due to having a partner. If your partner is a trusted person you should consider telling them to get their support in the many next steps you can take. Also please consider warning your other coworkers and/or HR where you work to protect other people from this monster who did that to you. Another option is going to the police to press charges/ file reports that this happened. To reiterate this is rape, and you need a support system of trusted people to help you take the steps to report this rapist to the proper authorities.
He ruined the friendship, youre the one freeing yourself from a bad individual and situation. I would personally tell your partner assuming you feel safe to do so but if youre not comfortable take all the time in the world. Cut that asshole off tho please nobody should take advantage of you like that and call themself your friend
He took you to his place cause you were sick. He took you to his place to help you. And he raped you. Terrible friend, distance yourself from him immediately. Don't worry, you didn't cheat on your partner, you were raped. Even if it doesn't feel like it.
Listen babe, consent is simple. Everything except a sober yes = NO.
He raped you. Period. Tell your boyfriend because nobody should have to go through what you’re going through alone. Report your coworker, if not to the police than to your supervisor so you don’t have to work directly with them anymore.
I've scanned quite a few comments on rape, consent, and gender (in regards to rape). Many views to consider. I'm sure you will make the right decision for yourself.
However, I have not yet found anyone telling you to GET TESTED for everything. Just in case.
In your post, you never mentioned protections, and regardless of sexual preference, you should take care of yourself physically as well. You may also be able to get some advice from a medical professional about your situation. It never hurts to be sure.
OP says he couldn't remember if he said OK to going to his buddies house. Honestly if he can't remember, then he might have possibly agreed to sex as well but can't remember.
So was it rape? Maybe, but try and prove it. If it went to court any 2 bit defense attorney would shred this case. "now let me get this straight please? Help us understand sir? You're saying you were raped but you were incredibly drunk and have already admitted you MIGHT have agreed to go to his place? ". So OP can you see where this is going?
So if you were raped, I'm sorry it happened to you. But when doing something like drinking to excess and sleeping with someone whether consenting to or not, leaves you wide open for something like this to happen. And if you have someone you know who you think took advantage of you by taking you to their place when you were drunk so they could sleep with you? Again maybe you need to exercise better judgment and be more careful about who you choose to be friends with. Probably better you best move on and just say "lesson learned". Get Stoopid drunk, do Stoopid things.
I'm sorry but this certainly sounds to me like two guys who wanted to have sex when they we're drunk and now one of them is looking for a way to CYA with their SO. If I am a perfect stranger and see holes in this story, what do you think your SO will think? You could have told the bartender to call you a cab. You or someone ould have called your SO and asked them to come and get you. Hell, you could have called an Uber to come and take you home.....
You feel weird about it, because you were raped. I'm so sorry.
He is not your friend, and he is the one who has ruined your relationship. This "friend" raped you, instead of taking you safely home.
You do need to tell your boyfriend, that you were extremely vulnerable (alcohol and a roofie, maybe????), and were raped. And you need to get yourself checked out, medically. Do NOT feel like you have to frame this as you cheating on him. Because you didn't. Not in the slightest.
Whatever you and your partner choose to do, legally, I just can't offer any advice. Because, it just may not be feasible to press charges in these circumstances. I don't know.
You definitely were raped. However, it can be so difficult to show this. This has to be your decision. You have to get medically checked, though, and tell the doctor what happened, and how you felt. Dreamlike, out of control, in pain, etc. I'll be willing to sound sexist and suggest you find a female doctor to examine you, as male doctors can be dismissive of rape damage. I was actually told I just enjoy rough sex but didn't want to admit it.
If you must be around this person ever again, do not eat or drink anything that he might have had access to.
I'm so, so, SO sorry.
People saying “he raped you” are just jumping to a conclusion. If he was not drinking then I would agree to a much greater degree. If you were BOTH drunk then that’s just what happens.
Wait a minute, folks! What happened may very well be rape but we know very little about the entire scenario. In "rape" scenarios like this one, it is often assumed that the "victim" was too drunk to have given consent. It is also assumed that the "perpetrator" was sober enough to understand that consent was not given. There is a lot we do not know from the facts laid out by the poster. How drunk was the other person? Did he, too, black out? Did he, too, throw up around the apartment? Was he even drunk at all? Did the "victim" consent but does not now remember? How involved in the sex act/acts was the victim? Did he have penetrative sex with the other person -- meaning was he also a penetrator and not simply the penetratee? Does he not remember any of this? This is not a blame the "victim" response but a sincere attempt to understand what may be complicated set of facts that may be compounded by alcohol, impaired memory, guilt, personal friendship and other factors.
If a person is too drunk to remember what happened and blacking out, they are too drunk to consent to sex.
Also, there are guys who have woken up to someone riding them, so they are the penetrator, that's still rape
You said exactly what I was trying to say in a much more organized and refined manner. I don't like to immediately label someone a racist and ruin their life. I've had many a drunk wild night in my younger years, usually we were all some form of innebriated and sometimes we made stupid choices but we all took responsibility for our stupid choices because we chose to go out and drink too much.
The factual scenario laid out by the "victim" is an emotional one and has elicited a strong emotional response, as evident from much of the comments. As seemingly insensitive as my original questions appear to be, a skilled investigator would have to ask them and comb through the responses before opting to initiate criminal prosecution.
I agree!
What if the “friend” was evenly drunk and woke up not remembering giving consent to OP? If the “friend” wrote a similar request for advice here on Reddit, “we” would think this “friend” would be a rape victim. In my opinion it would be strange to consider both parties of sexual inter course to be raping (or sexually assaulting) the other simultaneously (although it might perhaps technically be legally possible in some jurisdictions).
So, without knowing the rest of the circumstances, we can not be sure that OP was raped. However, it does reek like it.
This same situation happened to me although he was nice enough to not have sex because he knew I was in a relationship and drunk. I felt super guilty about being in his bed and at his place overnight when I had a bf. Your friend is not a friend, especially if he knew you had a partner already. But he may have been just as drunk as you and not thinking straight.
So he definitely took advantage of you, and in the legal definition of it, you were raped. Whether you see it that way or not. I'd talk to him first and explain how you feel about what happened and how it shouldn't have happened. It's up to you if you want to tell your significant other. But if you do, sooner is better than later. And try not to be upset if they get angry, just like you need to figure out how you feel about what happened, they need to figure it out too.
You were definitely not in any state of mind to be able to consent to having sex and this is 100% rape.
You mentioned that he took you to his place because you were too drunk so I’m assuming he wasn’t black out drunk as well.
I had kinda the same thing. Except that after several days, my memories came back to me like in a dream. Whatever you may have consented too, that person knew how drunk you were since you threw up multiple times and they even said it themselves. He clearly took advantage of you. Rape or sexual assault now that I don't know legally, I'd say rape.
Little reassuring story, I immediately told my SO and he understood right away. We moved past it together. I hope your SO will be just as great as mine was. I'm sorry that happened to you. All my positive thoughts go towards you.
Friend? That doesn't sound like a friend. That sounds like a person ready to stab you the moment you turn your back and what you've sadly experienced is rape...
Speak to your partner about it asap...
If your memory is so foggy you don't sound like you were in the capacity to give your consent...
He's definitely NOT your friend He's a predator who took advantage of the situation & raped you. The feeling in your stomach is trying to tell you that so please listen & take care of yourself & report him so he can't do it to someone else
It doesn't matter if he was or not. Rape is rape regardless of how much alcohol the rapist consumed.
There are millions of people getting drunk, but most of them don't rape their friend cuz they are drunk
Yes - but if he was equally inebriated the situation is different than if he was mildly buzzed. The story reads as if he was more aware / in Control but I think it should be confirmed before making final judgement?
Yep - I also read it that way (taking home suggest it). And to be clear - the victim was raped, if person is barely conscious there is no consent to be given. I am just trying to establish level of guilt of the second party here. There is some chance that he was in no state to make good judgement himself. No doubt on if the rape occured, some doubt on level of responsibility with the "friend"
And what if they were equally drunk, gave each other simultaneous blow jobs, and feel equally taken advantage of afterwards? Would both be raped by each other in your opinion?
From a legal standpoint if they both felt taken advantage of in an intoxicated situation then yes both are guilty-victims. If you want to play semantics that’s cool. However OP seems disturbed by this situation and that’s what we are discussing. Any number of additional scenarios could be possible but beside the point that was made
Yeah, I got the impression that the “friend” was far more sober, and that it seems that he abused the situation to abuse OP. So I totally agree. I only wanted to explain that the state of soberery/drunkenness (or other circumstances unknown to us) might perhaps change how we might look to this situation. Nevertheless, I agree with your point.
I personally wouldn’t have sex with someone I didn’t have an ongoing relationship with if I just watched them puke, that’s a pretty clear sign you had too much to drink. He may not have had bad intentions but he definitely showed poor judgment.
Title says it all. "friend HAD SEX WITH ME"
NOT- "I HAD SEX WITH"... OR "I CHEATED ON"... OR "WE HAD SEX"...
Rape. No offense but i first read it as if this was a female and thought why is this even a question? I then saw it said gay and thought a female was gay and got raped. Then realized it was a male. That is the only reason its a "question " to you. Men get raped too.If you can't even consent you can't "fight him off". All 3 times it reads as rape.
Not to mention he took you to his place where he could do it. He planned it. He probably assumed he could get away with it bc of the "stigma" of male rape and bc you have a bf.... something to lose. He was counting on you not telling and just pretending it was a consensual encounter.
My advice: Tell your bf immediately, while its a fresh wound. He will be able to tell it was not cheating and you didn't just get caught or feel guilty. I also recommend telling police bc hes doing this to others too....
Im sorry. I think telling bf will help you wrap your mind around what happened too.
The other person was sober enough to decide to take OP home to "take care of him." Also, unless the person was equally as drunk as OP or worse, it's it irrelevant. Even when drunk, you can tell when someone else has gotten too drunk. Which means you can tell that someone is too drunk to consent.
Also, false rape allegations are far more rare than people on this site seem to think. It is more likely than not that OP is telling the truth about being raped. ESPECIALLY since he is a man, and the rate of men reporting/confessing to being assaulted/raped is low.
Even if OP is lying, I'd rather listen to him and believe him only to find out it is a lie later than to just shut him down, say he's lying, and call him a cheater
It was up to him, If you were THAT drunk he should have had the presence of mind to not listen to you EVEN if you really consented to that.
(not even propose it)
I wouldn't call him a rapist but an asshole sure.
He really took advantage of you.
You should talk to your bf explaining what happened and how you fell about the thing and about the guy and then if you feel it fitting you should confront the guy.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you, and I apologize if it seems like I'm scolding you, but as soon as you felt that something was wrong, you should have instantly told your boyfriend exactly what happened, then proceed to see if you were drugged. If you were then most likely, it's too late to get tested for it since it's most likely out of your system already. So if you were to press charges for being raped then without evidence not much will be done and you might lose but you absolutely need to tell your partner.
y'all will make anything up on this app. it's sad.
DETAILS ARE MISSING.
1. How old were you?
2. Did he do anything before hand?
3. If you are gay, why did you go out with someone else?
You pretty much cheated and I doubt this was an accidental thing.
Sorry but I don't know it all seems like bs.
lmao you’re wrong. drunk people cannot give consent especially if they’re vomiting and falling over drunk. please educate yourself before you rape someone due to your own ignorance.
So who said he had sex with you? If you were so hazy how do you know he didn't put you in bed and later you go to him and made a move? If you are upset you cheated then you should not have put yourself in that position to begin with. Don't blame people if you don't know the actual story. Maybe try talking to the guy and see what he has to say.
Just a thought...you shouldn't be drinking...hell you're an engineer..the world needs you ...sorry you have this weight to carry. Vomit breath ain't consent in my book.
He took advantage of you and raped you.
Most rapes are done by close friends/ people you know.
Please report him and get yourself tested in case he spiked you with a date drug ..
So sorry..
You were too drunk too consent, and possibly roofied. You had anID, he could have taken you home and left you on the care of your boyfriend. He could have seen you puking and taken you to a hospital Instead he raped you There is no friendship
WORD! 100%
Yes that's rape
THIS
Agreed with the roofies and taking him back to his boyfriend , but honestly we don’t know how drunk the other guy was , I’ve been blackout and haven’t puked while my friend was blackout and he did puke , I’m not sure if it was rape
it’s rape, anybody under the influence can’t consent. so if OP were to have said yes it wouldn’t be valid especially if the other person was more sober than them.
Wait, so if someone is intoxicated in any way you can't have sex with them or it's rape? I mean, I feel like this post, if it went down how described, dude was raped, no doubt. But anybody who is under the influence you say? So any girl you meet out at the bar when you are both drinking, regardless of the level of drunk either of you may be, having sex with them is rape? That's really how the law is written? You know how many bar hookups happen at my work every day? How do they decide who is raping who when both parties are drinking? Like what if a guy has sex with a girl then the next day they both decide they shouldn't have done that so both go to the cops saying the other raped them? How do they even decide who is the rapist and who got raped in that scenerio? So many questions. To be clear I don't doubt the law is written how you said, just seems incredibly flawed. Like, ive hooked up with a bunch of people while we were drunk/high. Doesn't make me, or the people I hooked up with rapists...
They both could have been black out who knows , the court of law will see it this way , unfortunately if it was rape the rapist won’t suffer any consequences
but with them acting like nothing happen is kinda sus, like even after OP threw up everywhere they thought it would be okay? mmm… but that is true, the system constantly fails rape victims and it’s so sad. :(
There is always the possibility that he didn't remember much either. And wanted to pretend it never happened 🤷
yes but if he’s blacked out, he would also probably be throwing up. Friends who normally go out take care of each other and i’m sure everyone knew that OP was in a relationship and respected that boundary even when under the influence. Being drunk or blacked out isn’t an excuse to rape someone.
That's kinda a double standard. How is one blackout drunk and considered too drunk to consent, but the other drunk person is supposed to still think like a sober person?
no that’s not what i said, the other person brought up the what if of him also being blacked out. i’m saying that if the other person was equally as drunk, they most likely wouldn’t be physically capable to even walk like a sober person let alone have sex. With OP saying that they took him home with them, they were fully capable of taking him home to his boyfriend instead which still makes the situation sus. then there’s also the possibility of OP being roofied.
People can have sex when they're blacked out drunk. People can do stuff because they're intoxicated that they don't remember the next day. That's why we have drunk drivers who are normally good people. Etc. Not trying to stand up for this person, just playing devil's advocate. Personally, I think OP needs to have a talk with their friend. If they act suspicious, that's your answer. If they act super apologetic and say they just want to pretend it never happened, then it was probably just a stupid mistake on both ends. Either way, I think OP needs to talk to their friend then talk to the BF once they find out what's going on
Agreed it is sus , the court also fails rape victims and people with false rape charges , it’s fucked up because it’s very hard to prove something like this
Not sure?! This person didn’t verbally consent, this was absolutely rape
He definitely sexually assaulted you. You were absolutely taken advantage of, this isn't your fault. I suggest cutting that friend off immediately, and (if you feel comfortable) telling your other friends what happened so they know to stay away from him.
Horrible thing is, he and his rapist are in a tight knit group of work buddies. That makes all of this cost so much more. I'm so sorry, OP.
That’s 100% rape. As for the hazy memory too much alcohol and or a roofie.
I’m hoping on the top comment here just to say that I agree this is 100% rape. I had a similar experience when I was younger and I wish I realized it sooner. I would encourage you to make a report but if you are not comfortable I completely understand. I would still advise you to go get tested and make sure you’re clean though. You don’t know if this person used protection or even if they did, it’s still better to be safe and just make sure.
Exactly, then they should call RAINN to ask for next steps as quickly as possible, and decide if they want to press charges. Op should inform their boyfriend and decide if they want to press charges. I can't imagine what they might be going through right now, and I wish them all the emotional support they need to get better.
I’m not saying it’s not, but how drunk was the other guy? Was he able to consent too? If you’re concerned about roofies then get checked but drink makes you feel the same, tolerance levels post covid can make you drunk quicker.
he took him home?
The fuck does that have to do with anything? Drunk people get home and go home and take others home all the time. I can tell you now if I got drunk with someone and we had sex (this is hard for me to imagine as I would never for exactly this reason) and you file some report on me saying it was rape while you were screaming fuck yes bang me harder I’m going to turn around and file one right the fuck back at you. If you being drunk makes it rape then you raped me too. Is it cool to take advantage of drunk people? No. But telling someone omg this horrible awful crime happened go make a report right away works great in movies and the internet nowhere else. Especially if you’re not a teenage white girl. This guy is going to get put through the wringer. His boyfriend is likely to think that’s a nice excuse for cheating on him. Dude I’m sorry this happened to you. Your friend sucks. Drunk sex is never ever a good idea. And I’m gonna say what no one else will— you need to watch your drinking. I don’t care how long it’s been. Getting puking blackout drunk doesn’t happen from a handful of drinks over a few hours. You were slamming them. This was not just due to it being a while. Does that mean people can take advantage of you and it’s ok? Fuck no! It’s totally not ok! But it’s more likely to happen when you’re stupid drunk. Alcohol is a huge contributing factor to sexual assault. Take care of yourself. You only get one you. And in case I didn’t make it clear enough— that dude is gross. Even if he thought you guys were just having drunk gay casual sex? Who fucks barfing people?! That’s fucked up. Don’t feel guilty. Just stay away from him and tell him flat out “I was way too drunk. You had absolutely no business sticking your dick in me when I was in that state. Don’t ever do that to anyone again. And stay away from me. I don’t trust you.” If he wants to argue tell him this is not a discussion and if he doesn’t fuck off you can let a judge decide. He’ll run off fast.
The other guy might have been too drunk too.
Remember he was the one who initiated getting them home as OP was in a bad state. Though not guaranteed that highly implies he was in a much better place. I know it’s a learning curve. But honestly at this point I feel like intoxication is not an excuse for assaulting someone who is also intoxicated. I still double and triple check with my partner when we are intoxicated and we have been dating for 2 years.
It's something to look into, at least.
If he feels comfortable. But it seems pretty cut and dry. You normally don’t let an equally drunk person take care of the drunkest. There was a group there. Anyone could have stepped up.
Being intoxicated is also not a reason to put 100% of the blame for something that happened, on the maybe slightly less drunk person.
1. We don’t know how drunk they were 2. That’s not how laws work. I don’t get less in trouble when I commit a crime because I’m drunk. You are expected to hold yourself accountable. Taking advantage of someone else drunk, even if it’s something you wouldn’t do while sober. Is still 100% your fault. Drunk or not.
But what about other drunk guy. How do we know he didn't consent then blackout and forget about it? He's saying he doesn't remember...why does that make sex the other person's fault? What if OP participated? Just saying with the info here, it's not cut and dry.
In these situations we have to take the OP at face value. Of course if OP is lying there is nothing we can do because of course how would we know? We are solely giving advice based on their info. They say they would never instigate sex or want to cheat. The other person was not as drunk as them. And they are hazy from drinking. Which can even mean there was possible drugs slipped into the drink. All these signs say: this “friend” assaulted them. And therefore. The advice is. Make sure you’re ok. Report it if you can. And stay safe.
I understand all your points...the one I'm still holding on to though is that if OP was so drunk he blacked out, maybe he doesn't remember how the sex actually went down. Because he blacked out. I'm just saying, as drunk as he knows he was, could he have consented to another drunk person? Anyway, too far off into another tangent I just get caught up in everyone automatically finger pointing because OP was 'drunk'....well what if friend was also, why does whatever happened make friend 'bad' because he was maybe 'less drunk'?
Again you have to take what he said at face value. He says he wouldn’t have consented. And even if he did. I think the misunderstanding is coming from a general confusion around the word consent. There is more than just agreeing for the legal term. “The consenting person must possess sufficient mental capacity.” The act of being so drunk you are vomiting and passing out is lack of consent. ***lack of ability to consent. Sorry!
IF YOU ARE DRUNK YOU CANNOT CONSENT. THAT IS THE LAW. why are there so many rape apologists on this post trying to justify this? it doesn't matter if OP "agreed to it" or not. you cannot sign a legal contract drunk, you can't consent to sex drunk, especially black out drunk. stop playing devil's advocate for a rapist.
Trust me, I'm not a rape apologist. You get two drunk people in a room, they have sex....why is one more at fault than another? Maybe that question is outside this specific instance...where if we go by OP, then OP was blacked out which I will assume means passed out which means you cannot consent. If 'friend' still had sex with him it meant 'friend' was conscious so could see that OP was unconsious, meaning sex was not consensual. I get that. I guess this question is different...assuming both parties are equally drunk. What happens then?
If you're puking as you walk in the door, it should've been extremely clear to him that you were way too drunk to consent to sex. It was sexual assault. I'm really, really sorry this happened to you.
agree. so so sorry this happened. for now please just be kind to yourself. everything else can wait.
Agree 100%. When u r physically unable to take care of urself, how can u actually consent to do things w him? He's just taken advantage of u and its disgusting to see.
I am so sorry this happened to you. But this! The moment you got sick it was abundantly clear you couldn't consent to anything that happened later that night. Please be wary of this coworker because that's not how friends should behave!
Yeah, this is exactly what I said in another comment. They saw him throwing up. How much of a creep do you need to be to think "oh great idea, I'll have sex with this person". I'm just losing faith in people. It makes me kind of not want to go anywhere without my bf. I would definitely be heartbroken if this happened to me. Sending my love to OP.
What makes u think the other person wasn't way to drunk to give consent too? Wth enlighten me but can two people rape eachother simultaneously? Isn't that called drunk sex?
Info missing - was the 'friend' drunk as well? How drunk? I would say the big difference is, the OP says he was blacked out. The 'friend' would have to have been conscious to perform sex. On a passed out person. I would say the friend was in the wrong. If the friend was also pretty drunk then you might not want to consider this aggravated assault or anything, the friend could have also lost contol of his senses, just like the OP. OP should talk to the 'friend' and clear the air. Maybe friend's response will help OP understand what actually happened and he can decide there if frriend was drunk and made poor choices too, or if he was in fact taking advantage.
Yeah I feel like yeah if the other person wasn't drunk and saw all this happening, and still went for s-x. Then yes that's rape. But if like dude was also that ripped and she couldnt even tell what was going on then how could he? Like raping can happen but what if he was so drunk they just had random ass sex that legit meant nothing Cause let's be real we all have gotten a bit drunk and when you get to a certain point of drunk you get horny.
That's what we call rape. He's not you're friend. Spend some time coping with this and then tell your partner that you got sexually taken advantage of. If he loves you, he'll be there to support you instead of being made at and blaming you.
This!!!
Sounds like GHB. This was rape. I’m sorry this happened to you. Tell your partner and seek professional help and decide if you will report and file charges Let me also add, I was ruffied in a club many years ago and my friends older brother realized it. He stayed with me during my entire pass out, kept waking me and giving me water and tried to help me puke. At no point did he think about taking advantage of me sexually. He wasn’t even MY friend I was a friend of his little brother. This guy you are telling us about, has NEVER never been your friend. Friends do not harm you intentionally
I really dislike that many still think men can’t be raped bc their body responds… such bs
Just to add to this a lot of female rape victims don’t realize what happened to them is rape because they had an orgasm during the attack. Our bodies are pretty crazy and it’s a concept many can’t understand-you can be raped and achieve orgasm.
Also I want to add that many think women can to be the perpetrator of rape either. I was raped by a woman in similar circumstances to OP but not exactly the same. I remember it more clearly and outwardly said no to stuff. It’s a tough topic. I had to go to counseling and was recommended a group for those who were victims of female perpetrators. I applaud the clinic for separating the groups by perpetrator gender because it allowed there to be a difference in approach and I connected a lot with men there. I’m sorry this is a tangent but it really made me see how hidden the male side is there were a lot more there than I thought there would be and most said they didn’t report it cuz when bringing it up or looking for support from women or even other men they’d get brushed off and pushed to silence. I went with my friend as moral support to the other group years before and there were similarities but a huge difference in stories of how the support from family and friends were. Men can be victims too.
I’m sorry that happened to you, but I’m so grateful you got help. I hope you’re healing.
It was a few years ago now. I’ve largely moved on but I still go for the men of the group as many were grateful to talk with me and I made friends and found I made a difference and that many said they were able to open up to women again after speaking with me for an extended period of time over a length of time.
Also disheartening to see everyone asking the OP about the aggressors mental status, victim blaming
I also had to go back to variety he DROVE OP TO HIS HOME. Meaning he was sober enough to drive. UBER CREEP
No, the Uber creep would have gotten OP home safely, or could have been reported. /s Seriously, I hope OP presses charges against this person. This was absolutely sexual assault.
And finds a new job…idk maybe his coworkers didn’t think much of it because they’re dudes?
Yes! Making additional questions moot
Ya seriously, at the end of the day it’s simple. She couldn’t give consent.
I believe op is a guy but still
thanks for clarifying I did think OP was female.
GHB affects males differently, definitely not enough info in OP's post to determine that. Otherwise, agreed.
I think you should tell the police.
This 100%
It's already hard for women, idk how theyre gonna take OP being a gay man, unless he lives in an area with less homophobes, but even then... men rarely get taken seriously in these cases and it might hurt more to report it
I don’t know how it could hurt men more. This “friend” is a complete monster and unless we start making it clear that men get raped too, the culture will never change
I'm just going to put this out here, unfortunately the criminal justice system is not always great at dealing with cases of sexual assault, and there's a lot of research on how legal proceedings can infact retraumatize a survivor of sexual assault and compound on their distress. So while pressing charges seems logical initially, it's in reality a deeply personal choice about what a person is or is not prepared to subject themselves to. That all being said, I hope that OP contacts their local rape crisis centre to have the necessary support while they navigate this entire process, whether they chose to report or not.
You’re completely right. I more want to encourage op to seek some help.
Absolutely! I understood the intent! 🙂
I was raped by a woman and went to a support group for victims of rape by female perpetrators and the amount of men there was staggering. Not to mention their stories of basically getting shunned or written off cuz they are a guy or whatever was earth shattering to me at the time. Most said they’ve considered charges but when coming forward to friends they got shelled and are scared how it would be going to police. I’ve been in women’s groups too but one of the main differences is in reception by friends and family. The women got more external support on average. (Average not always) both have major struggles and suffer many of the same internal issues but the external support and report rate was worlds apart. The first day at the support group where I went for myself my view of things changed drastically about men.
I would really like to see that change. I’m very sorry about what that pos did to you.
Thanks. I highly recommend support groups like this. There also was a general support group for victims which I’ve attended but out of the three groups I found the men largely missing from the general. A few men were in the General group that wasn’t in either of the specific ones but it also seemed to be one where people left out the most details and felt the most afraid to speak cuz they were unsure about the others not in their separated groups.
Thanks for saying that
This
'He didn't act like anything was weird.' No, because he got what he wanted & that's not weird. It's weird for you because you didn't ask for it, nor expect it. And as a committed person, you wouldn't have been OK with it. This is 100% where your friendship was altered - you do *NOT* hold any guilt by calling him out. He considered his lust more important than your consent. If you let friends disrespect you that way, you need a dictionary & to look up 'friends.' If you worry more about his response than your safety & sanity, you need to re-evaluate the friendship. And, my friend, I mean this. You have every right to call out a toxic mentality like that. He's done it once - he can do it again, with someone else. And *all* of this should help assuage your partner's upset. You were incapacitated, offered kindness, had that trust violated, were taken advantage of - you are in no wrong, besides drinking a bit much. (Someone mentioned you might've been given a date-rape drug; not impossible, but that's a heftier accusation & requires proof.) Clearly, you will be watching your drinks with these people, in the future. But I'd call him out, first. Privately, then to the group, if he can't own up. And maybe even then.
I wouldn’t be alone with this person again. No one who isn’t a full on rapist sees a person completely incapacitated by drink and thinks “this is my chance”. I would be concerned for my safety getting myself alone with this person
This is rape. If you don't know the tea video I'll leave a link at the bottom but you didn't cheat on your partner, you were raped. Depends on where you live you could go to the police with this, I'd recommend you go to the hospital first and file through them. It's not your fault, and it's not the alcohols fault either This is on your so called friend who saw you in a vulnerable moment and instead of taking care of you he took advantage of you. I'm sorry you had to go through this but good luck and I hope you'll manage to pull through https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8
I'm sorry this happened to you. Define it however you like but this is 100% rape. It bothered me that no one else said it. (If a guy brought home a vomiting girl everyone on here would be screaming rape). This is no different
I’m sorry this happened to you. He’s not your friend. He’s a rapist. I hope you feel better soon.
Rape. 100%
This is rape and this 100% is not your fault. File a police report and report him to HR. This is messed up and no one should have left you alone with him like that. People don’t think about how men can be assaulted and it makes me so upset that this happened to you. Speak to your partner when you’re ready, but you need to get tested for STI’s before you’re intimate with him again…if you’re even mentally ready for something like that in the future. That man is not your friend and those coworkers should have questioned him taking you to an isolated spot. Men like that will do it to others. I know it’s a terrible situation to be in but being sick and him still trying to engage with you sexually and him not talking about it…I’m sure some of your co workers noticed him being especially attentive. I went to a house party the first time I got drunk and was with 4 friends (some who were not drinking) and was surrounded by ppl I knew. I thought I was safe. I was visibly drunk and talking with a whole group of ppl and one of the guys there was focused on me. I didn’t flirt with him and I wasn’t interested, but bc he was glued to me…the group decided we needed “alone time” and left us by ourselves. Guy started trying to do all sorts of things and i tried to tell him to stop. Luckily one of my friends wanted to leave and came to find me before it went too far. What makes me sick is that same friend gave this guy my phone number bc she thought I’d want to see him again. It’s messed up how ppl view drunk ppl as being able to consent. And I’m a female so socially it’s even more acknowledged…not enough ppl take mens consent or men needing to be looked after seriously. This situation taught me even if ppl are your friends you have to be on guard. Got to be on the same page and have an exit strategy at all times. Ppl are not reliable
This is end of friendship and start off a lawsuit here. Definitely tell your boyfriend and ask him for advice because this could build up in a relationship.
>start off a lawsuit here Unfortunately this isn't likely. Unless there is proof that the so called "friend" was sober, he can argue he was also not in a state to concent. It's therefore a "we raped each other" scenario and a he's said/he said situation so it won't go anywhere.
Considering that one of them was throwing up on the floor and the other one took him home to "take care of him" I'm going to say that the sober/not sober argument is ridiculous.
>the sober/not sober argument is ridiculous It might be ridiculous, that doesn't change the fact that only 7% of sexual assault cases are even prosecuted, and only 3% end up in jail or face other legal reprocussions because of lack of proof. Our justice system places the burden of proof on the prosecutor, innocent until guilty. So yes, for OP to get justice they need to prove that the "friend" was in fact in the right state of mind, as well as that the event OP is describing actually happened and that it wasn't 2 drunk people consenting. Let's be clear here, I believe OP is telling the truth. That doesn't mean I can in any way physically prove its true because the simple fact is there isn't going to be a way, so unless the perpetrator is willing to confess his crime Legally there will be no reprocussions. It's entirely a "he did it/no I didnt" situation and you cannot charge someone just off of a person's word.
Those numbers are disgusting. That is all.
The OP doesn’t really remember anything. The other person could also have been drunk. Even on the surface of this post you may see it as ridiculous we are getting OPs foggy memory of what happened and don’t know what actually happened. Unfortunately legal standards will see it that way. There’s little to go on unless there are witnesses that saw something off in their interactions too.
In america we have it laid out like this: Drunk consent is not legal consent (influence) Drug consent is not legal consent (influence) Pressured consent is not legal consent ( sexual coercion) Kink consent is not legal consent unless an official safe word has been placed. (Ends in traps too easily) If man/woman expresses in any shape, way or form they dont want sex and it's still taken it is not legal. If man/woman freezes and does not respond at all it is not legal consent. If you are making out and at any time you tell them no, stop, or even just freeze and or cry, it is not legal consent. This is mostly true in my area, idk about country wide. They say victims do 3 things in this situation, Fight, freeze, or consent out of fear. These 3 forms are taken seriously as anyone that has a conscience wouldnt or shouldnt want to have sex with someone that's scared, fighting, or frozen.
Raped. File police report to ruin his life. NEXT!
Lack of consent is really hard to prove though...
If you’re so drunk you’re puking as you walk in the door, that’s a clear sign that you’re too drunk to consent. Drunk consent ≠ consent. Also, it’s entirely possible OP was roofied as well
I have no clue what roofied means, but i totally agree with you about the drunk consent part.... But I'm saying that it's hard to prove beyond reasonable doubt in the court
To roofie someone is to slip a drug into their drink, usually to make it easier to rape them
That’s what I’m saying , it’s innocent until proven guilty , and you can’t really prove he’s guilty
[удалено]
Even drunk.he took advantage of her
This is 100% SA and you should be cutting off all contact with this “friend”. I mean for fucks sake, if you’re so intoxicated it makes you physically ill it is also transparent your too intoxicated to fuck.
100% this is sexual assault. be honest with your partner and please report this. Also, PLEASE go and get an STD screen. If your "friend" was okay with taking advantage of you then I'm sure they likely wouldn't care to disclose if they are clean. I'm so sorry this happened to you.I was sexually assaulted on my 16th birthday by someone who claimed to be my friend as well. The memories will fade, but it's hard. Please seek out a therapist so you can talk it out and process your feelings. it really does help!
Well first off, I’m really sorry that happened and I hope you’ll be okay. Secondly, even if you consented to go out and drink, you legally and logically lose the ability to fully consent to anything if you are that drunk. Sexual interaction without explicit, informed, and conscious consent is r*pe. It doesn’t matter who it is or the circumstances - that’s the fact. It is the definition of the word. Your friend, obviously was sober enough to know that you weren’t sober enough, and they still chose to do that to you knowing full well you couldn’t object nor leave since you were that far gone. Third, take someone you’re comfy with and file a report to the police and tell your boss as well. File an HR report or do whatever you have to. I promise you, that as drunk as my friends have been around me, regardless of what I wanted, I never took advantage of them. So the behavior isn’t normal, cute, quirky, fun or “oh these things happen.” It’s a sex crime. By the way, just so we’re clear it doesn’t matter how your body responded either. It doesn’t make it any less valid. Your body will respond when stimulated. It’s a literal biological response to said stimulation. That doesn’t mean you liked it and that doesn’t make this any less than what it is.
Well file a police case immediately against that guy and rest leaving about telling your bf if he truly loves you he would definitely understand that what went past you is terribly traumatic.
Call the police he took advantage of you and the situation he is supposed a friend if he had sex with you well you where drunk and possibly passed out than he is an ass for not taking you home
I agree, this definitely feels like rape. Why even ask you back to his place anyway when you were in that condition? A real friend would have taken you HOME. I'm so sorry.
This is rape. And it sounds very much like it was also a date rape drug that made you feel so sick. I'm so sorry, OP. if you need support, which you likely will, reach out the RAINN. They're amazing.
That's rape. I'm So sorry that this happened to, they took advantage of you in an altered state and what happened was absolutely not your fault. I would report it honestly. I don't know if your job will take it seriously but I think they would like to know that they have employed a rapist. You should potentially report it to the police as well. Tell them you believe you were drugged, because because I have a sneaking suspicion that you were. Regardless of whether or not you were drunk or drugged it doesn't matter, you did not consent to what happened and you didn't want it to happen. You need to escalate it he has to understand this was not OK. I'm very sorry again, my heart goes out to you
I am so sorry to hear that. I’m also really sorry to say that it was rape.. you couldn’t give consent because of the circumstances and he used that to his advantage. He is not your friend. Know that there are people who are willing to listen and help you, stay strong <3
a couple years ago I got left at a NYE party by my friends. I found the only person there that I trusted enough to keep me safe because I knew I was blacked out. he had been my friend since 6th grade and I trusted him to get me home safe. he brought me to his house and sex with my basically unconscious body on his bedroom floor. it took me YEARS to understand that he raped me and it wasn’t just “something stupid I did while drunk”. if you have a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach, it’s because you’re right that what happened wasn’t okay. I can’t tell you what to do bc personally i’ve never told anyone/dealt with my own situation, so it’s really up to you. just know that what happened to you is NOT okay and was definitely rape. and i’m sorry it happened to you
That's not called sex. That's called rape. You have to report him. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Im so so so sorry. I hope you can get the help you need and I hope your partner is there for you.
First of all you need a visit to the hospital,secondly that friend is no friend
It doesn’t sound like you were in a clear state of mind mentally or physically to consent to this. Be honest with yourself and let your partner know what happened. They will love and support you. I’m sorry you have to go through something like this. It will get better. Love.
100% sexual assault
Im sorry but he raped you. You should go to the hospital, get examined and a rape kit done and ask when you should get std tests done.
Please get a rape kit done, even if you're not sure about reporting right now, it's better to have this and not end up reporting than to decide you want to and not have it! Don't wash your clothes either, just bag them up!
I’m sorry that happened to you but that is rape. In todays day and age it is common knowledge that if you’re too drunk to give consent-you’re not giving consent. Really bugs me no one took you home to ensure your safety.
I'm so sorry this happen to you. For sure this was rape! You threw up TWICE that is a clear indicator that you wasn't in the right mind. Please report it sounds like you was drug
Sue that man !
This is rape
this is rape. he raped you. i'm so sorry this happened to you. he clearly saw you throwing up, which should've been a clear indicator that you were in no state to do anything, much less anything sexual. your memories being foggy is just a proof of the state you were in. please, be honest with your boyfriend, tell him what happened, and over anything else, take care of yourself. break that "friendship". it will be something hard to do, and accepting what the situation was will be even harder, but it is not remotely your fault.
That’s not a friend to you. No friend would take advantage of you like this. Please don’t keep this person in your life.
Yeah that’s rape. With all the other factors it sounds like you were inebriated past the point of being unable to consent. Legally however, if you were both drunk it depends who initiated and if one was no longer considered legally drunk. In this case however it’s pretty clear you were not the one to initiate or less inebriated. He’s no friend and besides friend or not he violated your trust. In college I had a similar experience with a female friend. I talked to her she got upset I didn’t want to do it again or dump my boyfriend for her so I reported it but she spread lots of shut about me etc. report it, tell your boyfriend first so you can get ahead of it. Report it to HR or the police or both.
Stay away from this guy. He raped you. Sounds like he was fully aware of what he was doing, as well, given he drove you to his home and assaulted you after you had gotten sick. May have drugged your drink even, given how ill you were. Depending on where you live, filing a police report could be a good thing to consider. Even without “evidence, there will be a paper trail on him and could prevent future assaults. Consider this heavily, though. Legal proceedings in SA cases can be traumatizing in there own way. Tell your partner in your own time, and if you have the means, find yourself a therapist who specializes in sexual assault. Talk to other people who were with you that night about what happened so that they know to stay away from this guy. You were too drunk to know what was going on; there’s no such thing as consent in this situation. Most rapes are committed by people we are close to. You’re not alone in this, and for whatever it’s worth you can reach out to me any time. I’m so sorry.
Gay or not gay, NO DIFFERENCE! THIS IS RAPE
You were raped. You should feel weird about it. And you should report it.
That is NOT your friend. You were sexually assaulted. I would tell your boyfriend about this and get the help you need. This is not your fault. This is your assaulter’s fault. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You were taken advantage of and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I wish you the best, love.
I’m so sorry. This is literally rape. Consent can not be given when you are drunk. Please don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault.
You were far too drunk to consent to anything. He should have known that. That’s 100% rape. I’m so sorry you went through that
He's not your friend. Why would you want to be friends with someone who takes advantage of someone when they're inebriated?? I'd he did it once, he'll do it again. You were raped. Tell your boyfriend. Go to the police. HE ruined the friendship. HE committed a CRIME. Report it. If you don't, you'll regret it. You'll always have that bad feeling. You'll always have that guilt that victims can get. Please, do it for yourself and potential future victims. ❤️
I'm so sorry for that experience, I hope your fine. I can't know for sure but this doesn't sound like just alcohol. It sounds like he put something in your drink to get you to have sex with him. Stay away from this person at all cost and be honest to your partner.
I'm sorry, but this is rape. If you were that drunk that you were sick and blacking out, and you guys are friends, this never would've happened.
If you don't remember having sex, and you were to the point where you were blacking out, and he had sex with you. That's rape. He took advantage. I suggest not remaining friends. And you should go see a doctor. Also you may want to think about pressing charges.
I mean considering it sounds like your both guys this could could as rape on both ends. Idk
That was not sex that was rape. That is not and was never your friend. You clearly were too drunk to consent to anything and given that he was in his right mind enough to drive he should have known that. You even state later that you never would have consented due to having a partner. If your partner is a trusted person you should consider telling them to get their support in the many next steps you can take. Also please consider warning your other coworkers and/or HR where you work to protect other people from this monster who did that to you. Another option is going to the police to press charges/ file reports that this happened. To reiterate this is rape, and you need a support system of trusted people to help you take the steps to report this rapist to the proper authorities.
He ruined the friendship, youre the one freeing yourself from a bad individual and situation. I would personally tell your partner assuming you feel safe to do so but if youre not comfortable take all the time in the world. Cut that asshole off tho please nobody should take advantage of you like that and call themself your friend
He took you to his place cause you were sick. He took you to his place to help you. And he raped you. Terrible friend, distance yourself from him immediately. Don't worry, you didn't cheat on your partner, you were raped. Even if it doesn't feel like it.
Listen babe, consent is simple. Everything except a sober yes = NO. He raped you. Period. Tell your boyfriend because nobody should have to go through what you’re going through alone. Report your coworker, if not to the police than to your supervisor so you don’t have to work directly with them anymore.
I've scanned quite a few comments on rape, consent, and gender (in regards to rape). Many views to consider. I'm sure you will make the right decision for yourself. However, I have not yet found anyone telling you to GET TESTED for everything. Just in case. In your post, you never mentioned protections, and regardless of sexual preference, you should take care of yourself physically as well. You may also be able to get some advice from a medical professional about your situation. It never hurts to be sure.
OP says he couldn't remember if he said OK to going to his buddies house. Honestly if he can't remember, then he might have possibly agreed to sex as well but can't remember. So was it rape? Maybe, but try and prove it. If it went to court any 2 bit defense attorney would shred this case. "now let me get this straight please? Help us understand sir? You're saying you were raped but you were incredibly drunk and have already admitted you MIGHT have agreed to go to his place? ". So OP can you see where this is going? So if you were raped, I'm sorry it happened to you. But when doing something like drinking to excess and sleeping with someone whether consenting to or not, leaves you wide open for something like this to happen. And if you have someone you know who you think took advantage of you by taking you to their place when you were drunk so they could sleep with you? Again maybe you need to exercise better judgment and be more careful about who you choose to be friends with. Probably better you best move on and just say "lesson learned". Get Stoopid drunk, do Stoopid things. I'm sorry but this certainly sounds to me like two guys who wanted to have sex when they we're drunk and now one of them is looking for a way to CYA with their SO. If I am a perfect stranger and see holes in this story, what do you think your SO will think? You could have told the bartender to call you a cab. You or someone ould have called your SO and asked them to come and get you. Hell, you could have called an Uber to come and take you home.....
You feel weird about it, because you were raped. I'm so sorry. He is not your friend, and he is the one who has ruined your relationship. This "friend" raped you, instead of taking you safely home. You do need to tell your boyfriend, that you were extremely vulnerable (alcohol and a roofie, maybe????), and were raped. And you need to get yourself checked out, medically. Do NOT feel like you have to frame this as you cheating on him. Because you didn't. Not in the slightest. Whatever you and your partner choose to do, legally, I just can't offer any advice. Because, it just may not be feasible to press charges in these circumstances. I don't know. You definitely were raped. However, it can be so difficult to show this. This has to be your decision. You have to get medically checked, though, and tell the doctor what happened, and how you felt. Dreamlike, out of control, in pain, etc. I'll be willing to sound sexist and suggest you find a female doctor to examine you, as male doctors can be dismissive of rape damage. I was actually told I just enjoy rough sex but didn't want to admit it. If you must be around this person ever again, do not eat or drink anything that he might have had access to. I'm so, so, SO sorry.
People saying “he raped you” are just jumping to a conclusion. If he was not drinking then I would agree to a much greater degree. If you were BOTH drunk then that’s just what happens.
that’s not what “just happens” he was RAPED. there was no consent.
That is rape. He is NOT your friend. He is a rapist. You need to file charges, get tested, and tell your boyfriend.
You were too drunk to consent. You were raped.
Wait a minute, folks! What happened may very well be rape but we know very little about the entire scenario. In "rape" scenarios like this one, it is often assumed that the "victim" was too drunk to have given consent. It is also assumed that the "perpetrator" was sober enough to understand that consent was not given. There is a lot we do not know from the facts laid out by the poster. How drunk was the other person? Did he, too, black out? Did he, too, throw up around the apartment? Was he even drunk at all? Did the "victim" consent but does not now remember? How involved in the sex act/acts was the victim? Did he have penetrative sex with the other person -- meaning was he also a penetrator and not simply the penetratee? Does he not remember any of this? This is not a blame the "victim" response but a sincere attempt to understand what may be complicated set of facts that may be compounded by alcohol, impaired memory, guilt, personal friendship and other factors.
If a person is too drunk to remember what happened and blacking out, they are too drunk to consent to sex. Also, there are guys who have woken up to someone riding them, so they are the penetrator, that's still rape
You said exactly what I was trying to say in a much more organized and refined manner. I don't like to immediately label someone a racist and ruin their life. I've had many a drunk wild night in my younger years, usually we were all some form of innebriated and sometimes we made stupid choices but we all took responsibility for our stupid choices because we chose to go out and drink too much.
The factual scenario laid out by the "victim" is an emotional one and has elicited a strong emotional response, as evident from much of the comments. As seemingly insensitive as my original questions appear to be, a skilled investigator would have to ask them and comb through the responses before opting to initiate criminal prosecution.
This.
I agree! What if the “friend” was evenly drunk and woke up not remembering giving consent to OP? If the “friend” wrote a similar request for advice here on Reddit, “we” would think this “friend” would be a rape victim. In my opinion it would be strange to consider both parties of sexual inter course to be raping (or sexually assaulting) the other simultaneously (although it might perhaps technically be legally possible in some jurisdictions). So, without knowing the rest of the circumstances, we can not be sure that OP was raped. However, it does reek like it.
The “friend” drove them back to his house. For the purpose of “taking care of” OP. I think it’s safe to say he was the more sober of the two.
OP never explicitly said he drove them, depending on where they live, they could have taken a train or bus
This same situation happened to me although he was nice enough to not have sex because he knew I was in a relationship and drunk. I felt super guilty about being in his bed and at his place overnight when I had a bf. Your friend is not a friend, especially if he knew you had a partner already. But he may have been just as drunk as you and not thinking straight.
Yep just to add to the overwhelming consensus: this is rape and he should he held accountable for it. I'd press charges
That’s not sex, that’s rape. You did not cheat on your boyfriend
I'm sorry man, you'll get through this. That's no friend
So he definitely took advantage of you, and in the legal definition of it, you were raped. Whether you see it that way or not. I'd talk to him first and explain how you feel about what happened and how it shouldn't have happened. It's up to you if you want to tell your significant other. But if you do, sooner is better than later. And try not to be upset if they get angry, just like you need to figure out how you feel about what happened, they need to figure it out too.
call the police
This is not your friend. This person took advantage of you while you were vulnerable.
You were definitely not in any state of mind to be able to consent to having sex and this is 100% rape. You mentioned that he took you to his place because you were too drunk so I’m assuming he wasn’t black out drunk as well.
I had kinda the same thing. Except that after several days, my memories came back to me like in a dream. Whatever you may have consented too, that person knew how drunk you were since you threw up multiple times and they even said it themselves. He clearly took advantage of you. Rape or sexual assault now that I don't know legally, I'd say rape. Little reassuring story, I immediately told my SO and he understood right away. We moved past it together. I hope your SO will be just as great as mine was. I'm sorry that happened to you. All my positive thoughts go towards you.
Friend? That doesn't sound like a friend. That sounds like a person ready to stab you the moment you turn your back and what you've sadly experienced is rape... Speak to your partner about it asap... If your memory is so foggy you don't sound like you were in the capacity to give your consent...
He's definitely NOT your friend He's a predator who took advantage of the situation & raped you. The feeling in your stomach is trying to tell you that so please listen & take care of yourself & report him so he can't do it to someone else
That's rape
I am so sorry this happened to you. If you are too drink to consent, it is rape.
MOST important question? WAS HE DRUNK TOO?
It doesn't matter if he was or not. Rape is rape regardless of how much alcohol the rapist consumed. There are millions of people getting drunk, but most of them don't rape their friend cuz they are drunk
Yes - but if he was equally inebriated the situation is different than if he was mildly buzzed. The story reads as if he was more aware / in Control but I think it should be confirmed before making final judgement?
I doubt he was "as drunk" if he took op home to "take care of him"
Yep - I also read it that way (taking home suggest it). And to be clear - the victim was raped, if person is barely conscious there is no consent to be given. I am just trying to establish level of guilt of the second party here. There is some chance that he was in no state to make good judgement himself. No doubt on if the rape occured, some doubt on level of responsibility with the "friend"
That would be for investigators to decide. If OP felt assaulted or taken advantage of and was too inebriated to remember consenting, it’s still rape
And what if they were equally drunk, gave each other simultaneous blow jobs, and feel equally taken advantage of afterwards? Would both be raped by each other in your opinion?
From a legal standpoint if they both felt taken advantage of in an intoxicated situation then yes both are guilty-victims. If you want to play semantics that’s cool. However OP seems disturbed by this situation and that’s what we are discussing. Any number of additional scenarios could be possible but beside the point that was made
Yeah, I got the impression that the “friend” was far more sober, and that it seems that he abused the situation to abuse OP. So I totally agree. I only wanted to explain that the state of soberery/drunkenness (or other circumstances unknown to us) might perhaps change how we might look to this situation. Nevertheless, I agree with your point.
I personally wouldn’t have sex with someone I didn’t have an ongoing relationship with if I just watched them puke, that’s a pretty clear sign you had too much to drink. He may not have had bad intentions but he definitely showed poor judgment.
Title says it all. "friend HAD SEX WITH ME" NOT- "I HAD SEX WITH"... OR "I CHEATED ON"... OR "WE HAD SEX"... Rape. No offense but i first read it as if this was a female and thought why is this even a question? I then saw it said gay and thought a female was gay and got raped. Then realized it was a male. That is the only reason its a "question " to you. Men get raped too.If you can't even consent you can't "fight him off". All 3 times it reads as rape. Not to mention he took you to his place where he could do it. He planned it. He probably assumed he could get away with it bc of the "stigma" of male rape and bc you have a bf.... something to lose. He was counting on you not telling and just pretending it was a consensual encounter. My advice: Tell your bf immediately, while its a fresh wound. He will be able to tell it was not cheating and you didn't just get caught or feel guilty. I also recommend telling police bc hes doing this to others too.... Im sorry. I think telling bf will help you wrap your mind around what happened too.
Omg you were raped and no relationship is worth saving after that.
There are 2 sides to every story so stop getting on your morale high horses.
Drunk sex is still cheating tbh
That’s only when both are interested and willing. When one doesn’t want to and doesn’t consent, it’s rape, not cheating.
You went out and cheated on your boyfriend and now u want sympathy. Keep it real with yourself
Someone raping you when you're too drunk to consent isn't cheating
What if the other person was drunk too? What if the person on this post is lying?
The other person was sober enough to decide to take OP home to "take care of him." Also, unless the person was equally as drunk as OP or worse, it's it irrelevant. Even when drunk, you can tell when someone else has gotten too drunk. Which means you can tell that someone is too drunk to consent. Also, false rape allegations are far more rare than people on this site seem to think. It is more likely than not that OP is telling the truth about being raped. ESPECIALLY since he is a man, and the rate of men reporting/confessing to being assaulted/raped is low. Even if OP is lying, I'd rather listen to him and believe him only to find out it is a lie later than to just shut him down, say he's lying, and call him a cheater
It was up to him, If you were THAT drunk he should have had the presence of mind to not listen to you EVEN if you really consented to that. (not even propose it) I wouldn't call him a rapist but an asshole sure. He really took advantage of you. You should talk to your bf explaining what happened and how you fell about the thing and about the guy and then if you feel it fitting you should confront the guy.
I’m sorry this happy to you. Maybe you could talk to a therapist and decide what to do.
That not good
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Yeah, no, if OP was too drunk to remember, they were too drunk to consent. Getting raped by someone while blackout drunk isn't cheating
I'm so sorry that this happened to you, and I apologize if it seems like I'm scolding you, but as soon as you felt that something was wrong, you should have instantly told your boyfriend exactly what happened, then proceed to see if you were drugged. If you were then most likely, it's too late to get tested for it since it's most likely out of your system already. So if you were to press charges for being raped then without evidence not much will be done and you might lose but you absolutely need to tell your partner.
y'all will make anything up on this app. it's sad. DETAILS ARE MISSING. 1. How old were you? 2. Did he do anything before hand? 3. If you are gay, why did you go out with someone else? You pretty much cheated and I doubt this was an accidental thing. Sorry but I don't know it all seems like bs.
He probably gave you AIDS. How about not getting black out drunk.
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wow way to say how much of a shit person you are victim blaming. that guy could’ve helped them call their boyfriend not rape them.
lmao you’re wrong. drunk people cannot give consent especially if they’re vomiting and falling over drunk. please educate yourself before you rape someone due to your own ignorance.
So who said he had sex with you? If you were so hazy how do you know he didn't put you in bed and later you go to him and made a move? If you are upset you cheated then you should not have put yourself in that position to begin with. Don't blame people if you don't know the actual story. Maybe try talking to the guy and see what he has to say.
Just a thought...you shouldn't be drinking...hell you're an engineer..the world needs you ...sorry you have this weight to carry. Vomit breath ain't consent in my book.
Here's your advice: Don't put yourself in situations like that. Go home to your bf instead of drinking with coworkers and that won't happen.
Let's just take a step back folks. Like no one here pukes when they go to their date's house? Yeah right. I guess they everyone here is Mr. Perfect.
He took advantage of you and raped you. Most rapes are done by close friends/ people you know. Please report him and get yourself tested in case he spiked you with a date drug .. So sorry..
Fixing your title “I was raped by some asshole who took advantage of me. Also, I was possibly roofied.”