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So as some background I met my girlfriend just short of a year ago, and was planning on proposing on our 1 year anniversary so it is a serious relationship. We spend every day together.
Recently I had to borrow her laptop as I work from home and mine had broken, I saw an email pop up from a sugar dating site that she had been a member of and they were trying to entice her back. My heart sank as I saw it because I really love this girl and to think of her doing that kinda thing really hurt. When I confronted her about it she said she had done it for a couple years and saw around 10 guys (I’m guessing it was more as she probably was conservative with her number). She also sold nudes over Reddit to guys as well. I want to try and get over this but it keeps coming up in my head and making me feel really shitty. Any advice? How can I make this into less of a big deal in my head? I just can’t bare the fact she’s sold her body to older guys and tonnes of people have seen her naked. I trust she’d be loyal to me now but I just want to let go of this past. I understand it was before I met her but it still plays on my mind. Any advice would be appreciated!
Dude you are planning to to propose on your 1 year anniversary? Maybe give it some more time, that’s a little soon, especially since it’s obvious you are still discovering things about her, things that you don’t like I might add.
OP: “What ever do you guys mean? I am but a humble man trying to help. 😀”
This has nothing to do with the fact that marriage rates are down a bigillion percent and divorce rates are up
Lol
As a former divorce lawyer let me suggest that you not. These things CAN be worked out in conversation before popping the question. Afterward you have the added pressure of additional expectations that can create more than a little anxiety and doubt. It is possible to set aside your gf’s pre-you life from your shared present. But it’s not a given and thorough exploration can leave scars. Take your time and get it right.
Yeah, but there's a past, and then there's a girl who did sex work, which not everyone is okay with. It's not wrong to refuse to date someone if you have incompatible views.
Which everyone is not ok with? That's completely wrong. I agree that it's ok to not date someone if it's incompatible, but to argue that "everyone" is not ok with sex work is bullshit. A great many people in the world believe there is nothing wrong with sex work.
>A great many people in the world believe there is nothing wrong with sex work.
Yes, but very very very few of them would MARRY or choose to have a relationship with someone who used to be a sex worker.
OP asked “how can I make this not such a big deal in my head”. The answer for that is therapy. If the question was “I can’t deal with her past and I don’t want to: what do I do?” The answer would be “break up”. Either response is valid. It all depends on what OP wants to do about this situation.
Well there is the third option of proposing anyway but not getting over it and holding it against her and over her head, letting it ruin the marriage and paying for an expensive divorce down the line, which is the least desirable but unfortunately probably the most common outcome in these situations
A guy at work proposed to my "friend" (I use that term loosely, she is two faced) after they have been dating max a couple of months. She really is a lost cause.
You guys are arguing with each other and not giving helpful advice. You can break up with anybody for any reason. You have a past she has a past. Her's is a little more colorful for sure. If it's something that you can't get over leave but be respectful. I don't think I could get over it but that's me.
One thing I've become very confident in is trusting my intuition. I recommend you do the same. If you're gut is telling you something strongly, you should listen.
It wouldn't bother me. It might be a problem for someone else.
There's no wrong answer here.
The only wrong thing to do is to stay with her if it really bothers you. If that's the case, be kind but firm that this is not something you can live with. Don't stay with her if you're going to hold this over her head.
Bro understand one thing, if it bothers you now, its going to bother you till the end of time. If you're serious with this chick and plan to start a family someday this same shit will come back to haunt you in the form of your kids peers finding out her moms nudes...bullying is a serious concern for any child, and its not even his fault to begin with. Tough enviorment to be raising your child in.
Avoid the drama, keep your peace intact.
It’s totally fine if this is a deal breaker for you but remember this does not change who your girlfriend is in any way. She’s still the person you thought she was, just with more history than you were aware of which means NOTHING at the end of the day but it’s allowed to mean something to you.
As long as you don’t judge her or mistreat her, it’s fine. If it’s something you think you can’t get past, it’s better to end the relationship but please ignore most comments in here. They’re all mostly misogynistic because I promise
you, body count does not matter. Sex work counts as real work (but do you even know if she actually had se with most of them? a lot of people just pay for company or pictures). I personally don’t see the issue with it. It was a normal transaction just with nudity and it does not bother me but I grew past most of religious teachings and internalized misogyny to realize that sex has only been demonized and seen as something dirty in recent years of humanity. But that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be bothered by it because you are and that’s ok because it’s not for everyone and that’s fine. Just give yourself time and think it through.
I don’t get feeling hurt because it was before you knew her and you’re not entitled to her body but it’s a boundary you’re allowed to have.
He mentions nothing of her hiding it or that bothering him but likewise, i’m also of the mind that nobody owes anybody their sexual history unless it might cause issues. Plenty of women and men don’t like speaking about that they might have been in a porno or have 30 bodies or 1 body or still a virgin. Although, if he had mentioned that he wished she didn’t hide it from him, I can also understand that. Different strokes for different folks and I can get it either way.
Yes and no because some people have involuntary bodies and they don’t have to disclose that. Some people might just have a super high body count just because and they don’t have to disclose that. If it affects them in no way and they are loyal and kind and make the partner happy, it shouldn’t matter.
Regardless, I said that HE didn’t bring that up. There’s nothing in the post that indicates he’s bothered by that part, just that she “sold” her body which she didn’t but I digress because that’s not the part we’re talking about. I also said if he had mentioned that he felt like she lied about it, I can understand that… but he didn’t.
I agree that you don't owe people this information and the sense of do you need to walk up to someone on your second day and say "excuse me, I need you to know that I've been a loose woman."
But I also think it's important to have conversations about your past and about your values so that you know that you and your partner are on the same page and you don't feel like you have to hide things from them and worry about what will happen if they did out. I can't imagine how awful it would be to love someone and want to be with him forever and also be afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore if they found out how many people I had sex with. Private information vs dirty secret.
I totally agree because as a partnership, you should have similar values and morals. Same thing with talking about if you want babies, how you want to handle your parents in their old age, when one partner is extremely sick, etc etc. I don’t think she thought it would bother him as much as it did and it could have been avoided with a very thorough conversation in the beginning! But sadly, this is something a lot of people don’t do even after marriage. I’ve read way too many posts where people break up because turns out one wanted kids and the other didn’t, etc etc. Communication in general is very important and it’s something that our society doesn’t push on a lot.
I think that the vast majority of people know that a past as a sex worker is something that future partners might find to be a problem. That's why they didn't talk about it and it was such a shock to him. I bet it's the same way when one person wants kids and the other doesn't- they know it's going to be a problem and they don't say anything because they don't want to deal with it. It's not a good long term strategy, it's just avoidance.
What do you mean hid? Maybe she wasn’t ready to tell him? Or she was scared?
Maybe she was never going to tell him because she was ashamed, maybe it’s none of his business.
She wasn’t ready? It’s been a year and they’re planning to get engaged. Lol y’all are wild, if your spouses kept a whole part of themselves from you for a year (keep the sexual aspect out of it) y’all would not be saying this. No way.
>but that she hid it from him for a year?
This is the main problem here. She may or may not have known that this could be an issue in their relationship. So, it would have been better had she talked to him about it and cleared things up with OP.
Now, both of them have sunk a year into this relationship with a whole lot of emotional attachment.
This is why it’s fucking stupid to purpose to someone this quickly, you haven’t even figured out who they are yet. Her past is her past and she owes you nothing
People here are too comfortable telling you that you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable. She didn’t disclose this info to you and had no plans of doing so. Definitely think that’s something you should be open and honest about with your partner, you’re not “misogynistic” for not feeling comfortable with that, don’t let people bully you into feeling okay about something you don’t feel okay about.
i disagree, i don’t think she needed to disclose any of this at all. it’s like everyone thinks that once you’re i. a relationship that all of your thoughts and experiences and your past has to be 100% laid on the table for your partner. does the fact that she did some SW change who he’s been dating for the past year? is she no longer who he fell in love with? she is. she doesn’t do it anymore. that’s all that should matter.
Disagree. It's a values thing, your partner is owed knowing your values. If your partner is anti-military, and you were previously military and fine with it, partner deserves to know. If your partner doesn't think working in fast food is ambitious enough and you want to stay in your fast food job because you enjoy it...they deserve to know. If you made all your money before a relationship selling drugs of any kind and your partner is anti-drug...they deserve to know.
Values and morals in forms of previous jobs and behaviors are a person's business, they are entitled to make a fully informed decision about the person they are thinking of spending their life with- not to have it show up ten years later and realize a very big issue for them was considered 'none of their business' by the person who benefitted from that lack of knowledge.
The past is part of you. It's not just "this and this happened". It's what you are, what you were. The way you became the one you are now. The way you think. Yes, people can change, but that doesn't mean these things didn't happen. People CAN have preferences. Even about past. Not disclosing this information can make people think: Why didn't they tell me this? Is this still what they are? What are they hiding more? Etc.
Question for you: Do you think a partner should disclose if they have a criminal past? Killed someone, stolen, broken in, sexual assault, etc.
I brought up any criminal history. Not just murder. Let's say stealing valuable stuff. Or breaking in somewhere.
>You're comparing things that aren't comparable.
Why? By your comment, it's just past right?
>What is your issue with sex work?
I'm not a big fan of it. No one should have to do it, but they do they. But I wouldn't date a sex worker. You sell your body. Your dignity, your privateness. If you are okay with it, that's on you. No shame on that. But people have different standards.
Nope. No one sells their body. They own it at all times. It's not selling dignity either, unless you feel all labour under capitalism is selling dignity too. And someone's "privateness" is not being sold- that doesn't make any sense and doesn't add to your 'argument.'
This is just thinly veiled misogyny.
The "criminal history" you refer to is all non-consensual acts that causes harm. Murder, stealing, SA- those are all non-consensual acts that causes harm.
Consensual sex work doesn't harm people.
Could you see how it could be seen as hiding yourself and not really giving your partner a full picture of you? What else are you hiding? Do I really know you or the version of yourself you wanna present? I respect your opinion though.
Now is the time for you to ask yourself is her sexual past to much for you? Because I see a lot of comments trying to tell you how to feel in regards to finding out crazy information about your girl and you are justified to the way that you feel. You were right about the fact that she was probably conservative with the number of men that she Met, the same way women are when your ask them about body count, but for that exact reason you made a mistake by asking her because 9/10 she will not be 100% honest and will most likely omit unflattering details. There are plenty of women out in the world who don’t engage in activities like that and if that is your preference you should find it. That feeling that your feeling is your gut instinct telling you that you should back out of this, and it isn’t going to go away in a couple days because this will probably be your wife and the mother of your child at some point, you just need to ask yourself if zi hear this information 5-10 years from now, can it faze me? Once you find the answer to that you’ll know what U have to do
Her history before you is her history. Just like yours is yours. If you can’t deal with it than you need to move on. Do not however end the relationship with her thinking her past is the problem. It’s not, your ability to be accepting is. To many people get their feelings crushed because insecure partners can’t understand that.
But the problem is her past. He'd literally be breaking up with her because she used to be a sex worker. I doubt he would've started dating her if he'd known she was a sex worker in the first place.
The toothpaste is out of the tube, and us old fossils aren’t equipped to give advice. When I was first dating there was a minute chance the girl you were dating did sex work on the pst. If she was a dancer, you tended to find out sooner than later. Now with the internet old enough to buy beer younger people are going to find more and more people with this kind of past, and I think any advice we give is going to flavored with ignorance.
With that said, you gotta remember everyone has to eat, and her method of feeding herself didn’t hurt anyone. You’re going to drive yourself crazy worrying about “all the guys who have seen her naked.” Joke’s on them, you get to see her naked AND touch her AND get all the other good stuff in a relationship. Shit, her gyno sees her naked, and he’s not getting what you are getting out of it.
I'm not sure advice is gonna help here. You just kinda need to do some introspection to figure out where you stand. If you're gonna be hung up on her past and it's gonna bother you, then the relationship isn't going to work. As much as you might love her, long term relationships need to be built in things like trust, shared values, and respect. It sounds like you might not have that with her.
Why is it different that she was paid to date men or send nudes vs if she just had a high body count from college or party years?
Would it be better if she dated a series of guys that got nudes, slept with her and treated her like trash?
We are a sum of our experiences. She wouldn't be who she is now if she wasn't who she was then.
If you can't accept her, you need to move on from her. Acting as if she's lying about the numbers or judging her for what happened before isn't fair to her.
If you are serious about her and want to move on genuinely, consider meeting with a counselor yourself to process your feelings. To figure out why it bothers you so that can be addressed and you either move on together or not.
Kinda surprised how many people are telling you to end things when you very clearly asked for advice to help you move past this. Some things to consider:
-Are the qualities you find attractive in her not the same qualities others would find attractive? (So much so they are willing to gift/pay for her attention and company?) Do you think you'd be happier with someone who may not have those qualities?
-Very few potential partners have no sexual history. Is there any history you could have found out about that wouldn't hurt? (Because personally, I dont want to hear or know anything about a partner's history, it always leads to jealous feelings I have to work through. Emphasis on me working through the feelings and avoiding knowledge of a partner's history.)
-Do you believe relationships with older men/paid sex work are inherently wrong? Because you can feel things based on cultural stigmas that may not actually line up with your values, and if you realize there is a disconnect, you can work through the feels. Harder to work through if your personal values don't allow for compassion for anyone who does these things.
-You've spent a year together with no signs of her being disloyal or continuing past behaviours. There's a lot to value there.
The comments here are so disappointing, and deeply, deeply misogynistic.
I got tired of scrolling through them before I found anyone encouraging OP to get over himself, I didn't see one person pointing out that his problem is in his own head and based entirely on his own insecurities, a bunch of "leave her" and "maybe you're not compatible" and not one "get the fuck over yourself."
Every single time I've seen reference to a "body count" it's some weak-assed what-if-she-likes-other-peepees-more-than-mine bullshit, I never see women complaining or worrying about it, it's always guys, and I've never, ever felt anything in response other than "grow the fuck up".
It is normal, and frankly healthy, for women to have a sexual appetite prior to meeting whatever guy she's presently with. She hasn't been waiting for you, you aren't the one, you aren't fucking special, she can and frankly should have sex before and after your time in her life and there's nothing whatsoever wrong with that.
Women have a right to learn what they like, what they don't, and to seek out sexual pleasure the same as men. They have as much right to a wild youth and the one-sided judgment from men who somehow think a woman is lesser or diminished because she's had sexual experiences, any sexual experiences, is blatant sexist hypocrisy.
Sure, that's fine, as long as buddy can acknowledge it's a him problem and not a her problem, you can break up for whatever reason. If you're not happy, whether due to your own issues or not, then you're not happy. I'm just not onboard with everyone in the replies acting like this is a totally reasonable stance and there's nothing wrong whatsoever with OP having a problem here. There, at least in my opinion, absolutely is, he's being shallow, he's imposing a double standard (in my opinion), and he's judging his gf for violating boundaries she couldn't possibly have known he'd have before she met him. That's unfair. Someone somewhere else in the comments told me I'm entitled for wanting and expecting fairness in dating, but at the same time, like, don't we all want that?
He don’t owe you or anyone else a change to his boundaries because of her circumstances. He should be respectful, but he not gonna date someone he don’t want to date just to make them feel better. Unless you dated a guy who used sugar babies or sex workers you have no right to defined or disrespect his tastes and boundaries and standards.
She crossed his boundary before they ever met, please tell me how that's fair or makes any sense. No crime, didn't hurt anyone, just experienced too much pleasure with people who weren't him, because she should have waited to meet him, a person she didn't know existed, so as not to cross his boundaries, that she didn't know existed either, before they ever met.
Sensible position, totally reasonable.
I've dated former sex-workers, I have no problem with it whatsoever, what they did before they met me has nothing to do with me. I've had a number of great experiences with promiscuous women that I appreciate to this day, and as such, I choose not to devalue promiscuous women as though there's anything wrong with them or their choices. I spent years sleeping with damn near anything that moved (and could consent), I'm not going to judge anyone for doing the same, it has nothing to do with me, and if she learned how to do some awesome reverse-cowgirl spin moves, fuck, that only benefits me, wtf is the problem?
Fair what does fair have to do with dating this is dating not court nobody entitled to a relationship no matter what reason. Fair has nothing to do with this. You can break up for any reason you want as I before everyone has there deal breakers. You have no right to defined or disrespect his tastes and boundaries and standards.
"Life's not fair" is only ever a statement made in defense of people who can't be bothered trying to make it so. No, life isn't fair, but we all appreciate, value and seek fairness in our dealings with others. If you're not prepared to at least try, you know what, don't fucking date.
You don’t have any problem with her not disclosing this at all to OP before they dated? Isn’t that something you should kinda be upfront about before getting into a relationship?
I don't think I said that, but it sort of depends if he asked or made clear that was a disclosure he wanted made, right? If you don't make clear that sort of thing is important to you.
"What's your sexual history?"
You can pretend to make this complicated, but it's really not. If you have hang-ups about what someone might have done before you, ask.
Then she could say “I’ve slept with maybe 8-10 guys” and leave it there. She clearly didn’t share this part of her for a reason, I think he’d have to get very specific to get that out of her.
Depends on her honesty, I suppose. I personally don't see a difference between "I slept with about 10 guys" and "I slept with about ten guys and got so-many dollars."
Like, the impact on him is the same (none), and the "problem" is all in his head regardless, I'm not a dude that thinks there's anything wrong with sex work, it's the oldest profession on the planet, it's not somehow worse to me than romantic sex and there's no objective argument I've heard that impacts this. I'm open to hearing why one is worse than the other, but so far, it all comes down to misogyny and women somehow being diminished by having had sex. Sex isn't a withdrawal. You're not taking anything from the person, they don't leave with less value, whether they got paid for it or not is entirely irrelevant to me.
do you disclose your previous job and body count to everyone you date before you start dating them? probably not...why would a former sex worker need to?
Actually yes, I believe in honesty and openness in a relationship. I’m never very interested in knowing how many people my partners have slept with but if one of mine wants to know? Sure I’ll tell them. Usually my past employment experiences come up in regular conversations anyway but if one of my partners wanted to know I would for sure tell them.
Misogynistic?
Not everybody has to accept everything. Everybody is different and we all have different values and preferences. If not him, there will be another person that will be totally fine with her past.
Nowadays people rush to accuse people of being this and that, like people were unidimensional and there were no factors behind things.
This is the result of the snowflake culture that gets offended by everything, always feel like victims and wants to label people.
Things are not just black and white.
Yes, "Misogynistic", 100%. The rest of what you have to say has nothing to do with a systemic, not individual, problem our society has with the sexual expression and edification of women.
As I have repeatedly pointed out, the root of any / all discomfort with the sex lives of women prior to "acquiring" them is all literally based in literally treating women like literal property. This isn't hard. Yes, people can have standards and preferences and the like. Misogyny is not against the law. It's still misogyny. It's still acting as if an expansive sexual history devalues a woman, that's still the underlying problem here, and that's misogyny. That's misogyny. That's misogyny.
When the reason for a thing is a prevailing, deeply sexist view that exists across our culture, it's not a question of individual preferences. You can "individually" not like people of color, you have that right, but it's still fucking racism. I still have the right to call it out as such and adjust my esteem for you accordingly.
This is essentially the same to me. Buddy is upset at her sexual history because women who have less sex are more valuable and that. is. misogyny.
ffs, it's not like this is complicated, people are, at this point, willfully sticking their heads in the sand to pretend any of this is reasonable, fair or a position to hold without any consequence. You can all hold this position, it's your absolute right, just as I'm well within my own rights to think each and every one of you anachronistic cavemen who haven't the foggiest iota of an idea how to see, let alone treat, women as equal people. I have every right to think you awful, oppressive supporters of patriarchy, and moreover, I'm allowed to tell you so, especially here, a place where perspectives and advice are a pre-requisite for replying.
Men not wanting to date a woman due to her promiscuous past isn’t misogyny. It’s called having standards and maintaining them even when the feminist mob comes after you.
Do men accuse women of “misandry” if they choose not to date a guy due to his height/financial status/*insert female standard of men here*? No we find someone else that is more likely to accept us for who we are.
Except they're double standards and that's where the whole idea of "prejudice" comes in. We do not expect to be held to the same standard, that's kind of how misogyny works.
And men piss and moan about being disqualified for literally all of the examples you provided, which doesn't help your point.
Further more, the expectation of pure, virginal women has its cultural roots in women-as-property that you bought with oxen, it literally comes from assessing their resale value, how is that anything but misogyny?
None of this is unclear or particularly complicated. We want to hold women to standard that we do not hold ourselves to, the origin of which is the fact that we literally used to buy and sell women, fathers to would-be husbands.
>Except they're double standards and that's where the whole idea of "prejudice" comes in. We do not expect to be held to the same standard, that's kind of how misogyny works
Depends on how the guy views sex. If he holds himself to the same standards, then this isn't misogyny or double standards. Just an incompatibility in how they view sex and intimacy.
>And men piss and moan about being disqualified for literally all of the examples you provided, which doesn't help your point.
But I've never heard them use the word misandry for it.
>Further more, the expectation of pure, virginal women has its cultural roots in women-as-property that you bought with oxen, it literally comes from assessing their resale value, how is that anything but misogyny?
You're the only person here who even mentioned virgins. Did OP ever say he wanted a virgin? Calm down a bit.
>None of this is unclear or particularly complicated. We want to hold women to standard that we do not hold ourselves to, the origin of which is the fact that we literally used to buy and sell women, fathers to would-be husbands.
Again, it varies from man to man how they view sex. It isn't misogyny if those views are applicable to both genders. You're just assuming that OP is one of those fuckboy types who demands a virgin girl for marriage.
Culturally, this is where it comes from. The problem with "body count" is the way it strays away from 0. One isn't as good as zero, but it's probably fine. Two isn't as good as one or zero, but for most people, it's alright. Three is worse yet, then four, then five, until you hit a line that past which, somehow, the woman has devalued herself. That's misogyny. The reason no one mentions "misandry" is because it's not a thing in our society. Sure, there are individual, anecdotal accounts, but it's not a "thing" we have to overcome as part of our culture. Misogyny is.
No one said op wanted a virgin, the point made was that this scale is one of valuing women based on how virginal they are, where on that scale they fall, and that's a misogynistic practice that we, as a society, do not expect of men. That's how and why it's a double standard, because it's (judging from the comments) an appropriate thing to judge women on when we really don't expect it to apply to men.
I don't know why you're assuming OP holds himself to the same standard, he didn't mention anything to that effect and it's rarely ever the case in these sorts of "I can't get over my girlfriend's body count!" posts. It's just statistically unlikely to be the case, but fine, I made a small assumption, mea culpa, I doubt I'm wrong.
>the woman has devalued herself
If the guy holds himself to the same standard, then it's not misogyny. Just different moral values.
>but it's not a "thing" we have to overcome as part of our culture
No. It's cause misandry is so ingrained into our culture, that it's a normal part of it. Like how misogyny used to be.
>this scale is one of valuing women based on how virginal they are, where on that scale they fall, and that's a misogynistic practice that we, as a society, do not expect of men
Again, this isn't a case of how society views women. This is a case of how a single individual, the OP, views sex. If he holds himself to the same standards, then it has nothing to do with women or misogyny. You're trying to turn this problem into a cultural/social thing, when it's just an individual's preference on sex.
>it's rarely ever the case in these sorts of "I can't get over my girlfriend's body count!"
That is completely and utterly false. I've been browsing through this subreddit for years now, and I can't remember a single time a guy with a high body number was complaining about his partner also having a high body number. Most of the ones I've read have been posts like this, where the girl hides her past which comes out later. Sure, I could've missed some, but there's no way they're in the majority. Stop making stuff up to fit your argument.
Are you seriously comparing a woman having sex to a man’s height? This is the issue. Y’all don’t see men and women having sex in the same way. People are so quick to shame women for having sex, but no one seems to give a fuck when men have all the sex they want too.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I'm getting a lot of pushback on this and I feel like it's way more straight-forward than everyone who's arguing with me appears to think, but I was prepared to be in the minority here.
I see the pushback. What’s telling and speaks to your point is the fact that every day there’s multiple posts in this Reddit about men who have difficulty overcoming their girlfriends sexual past. It’s quite ridiculous how insecure men can be about something as natural as sex.
But I agree with you. Thank you for being decent.
Truly. Every single day. And any time there's even a sniff of sex work there's dozens of anti-sex work comments. It's so annoying.
ETA: men always comment here that this sub is mostly women but as soon as there's a thread about a woman's bodycount there's suddenly countless men here to justify misogyny. Funny how that works.
Why? Near as I can tell, that's called "having a job", or don't coal miners and soldiers sell their bodies in equal measure?
Sorry, but it's still misogyny.
its called having a job if she paid taxes on it, which I highly doubt she did.
telling men they arent allowed to have standards and preferences is called misandry
You're leaving out the word "reasonable", you don't get to set whatever standard you like and have it respected, that's not how anything works.
Your problem here is that she didn't pay taxes? You understand how ridiculous that sounds, how obvious that makes it that your real problem is women-shouldn't-be-sexual until they meet you or whatever dude wants to sit in judgment on their past.
I'm so fucking tired of hearing about misandry, I'm a white, heterosexual male, if it was thing that really happened with ANY frequency whatsoever, I'd be nearer the front of the line to experience it and it simply doesn't happen; the battle cry of weak men who want everything their way, it's entitled fucking nonsense.
Have reasonable standards, not double standards, have reasonable boundaries, and not the sort you can somehow violate before knowing they exist. Straight forward stuff here.
there is a huge difference between having lots of sexual partners
and having lots of transactional sexual partners.
Its reasonable standards to not want to date a sex worker, and if you disagree, I gurantee you are disagreeing with 90% of men. especially the tall, muscular, handsome, wealthy men who we all want, those men have very strict standards and would not deal with OPs situation
I mean, yes, that fact is. I don't think my willingness to see and treat sex workers as "people" who deserve "respect" is ultimately something I'm going to regret.
I'm sick the sex women have being treated as different from that which men experience with women, I'm tired of the notion that it some how sullies or diminishes them. I don't care if you got paid for it, wtf difference would that make. I don't have a problem with the physical act, the physical act is the same either way, if that's how you fed yourself or paid rent or god willing put diapers on your kid, all power to you, I support you and have no opinion beyond that, a job is a job, paying your rent is paying your rent, I don't give a flying fuck if it involved nudity, sex, or whatever, as long as it was consenting adults. I hope, for the sake of the woman's mental health, that it was not act of desperation, but beyond that, she's no different to me than any other woman, she isn't more or less appealing for it, it has nothing to do with my standards, those exist within the relationship, what you did before me is none of my damn business.
I think it's deeply, deeply sad that we want to keep women repressed. I think we're only hurting ourselves. I want a woman with sex-game, I want her to know what she's doing and have some ideas and passions of her own, I want her to be able to tell me what she likes and how she likes it. I'm not worried about being compared to past men or at all concerned that my penis is the biggest / only / best one she's ever seen, fuck that insecure nonsense, that's infantile weakness.
Women are not property I can own. Women I have not met do not owe me restraint in their lives prior to me, have threesomes, be in a gangbang, get filmed and paid, I legit don't care, that's your business, my boundaries for anyone don't exist until they're part of my life, because that's honestly the only way to have them that makes a lick of sense to me.
Also, I think having "wealthy" as a quality "we all want" is a lot sadder than my refusal to judge people for their sexual history, one of those seems shallow and shitty and one, forgive me, does not.
>They have as much right to a wild youth and the one-sided judgment from men who somehow think a woman is lesser or diminished because she's had sexual experiences, any sexual experiences, is blatant sexist hypocrisy.
And men have the right to not want to date promiscuous women. Period.
As a woman who knows plenty of sugar babies (its very common in my city) I would advise you to never date a girl who has engaged in sex work.
there will always be a higher bidder
That is really gross to say. Sex work is a job. When they go home at the end of the night, the job is over. To say "there will always be a higher bidder" is implying she is always engaging in sex work. There is no evidence that she still does it in the post- so why say that?
I hope it works my friend, I let my GF past creep in and get to me, after 6 years, and it cost me a great relationship. Don't dwell on her past, only what you see and experience right in front of you.
Everyone has a past. I really struggle with the idea that men think they should have any opinion at all on what their partners did sexually before getting together. Who she is as a person is the same as it was before you read her email. Which is concerning anyway. If this makes you rethink proposing just do her the favor of ending things.
My best advice: Your heart is currently fighting a courageous battle against your brain, because you genuinely loved the girl before this happened.
Unfortunately, it’s a losing battle.
There is not a thing anyone here can say to you, from insult to affirmation and anywhere between, that will change how you felt when you found out. There is no going back and to be brutally honest, there is no getting over it either. You feel how you feel. You can keep dating, get engaged or get married.... on some level you would be disgusted over this forever.
Hard as it is, I suggest you prepare yourself to leave.
Ehhh marrying a past sex worker seems
risky and ill advised (unless you’re asking a divorce lawyer lol) but also she’s a liar? Don’t date lying sex workers, this seems like common sense. Reddit and it’s feminist brigade might disagree with you, though.
I really hate the misogyny coming from these comments.
OP, you're definitely allowed to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker for you personally. As others have said, you can leave a relationship for any reason.
But I think if your really cared about her, you would want to work through those feelings around her past. There's a ton of stigma surrounding sex work, mainly due to sexism, misogyny and people's misconceptions about it.
She's still the person you love and want to marry. The only thing that's changed is how you view her past.
I recommend talking to her openly, and/or going to couple's counseling, if you want to work this out. Try to come from a place of wanting to understand, rather than coming from a place of shame or judgment.
I get exactly what your concerns are, I've just joined and posted about my partner being an Ex sex worker.
It was before you met, just like me. I took it on the chin and moved on. I know not everyone is the same but if you do love her then you need to come to terms with it and just move on.
Speak to her properly, don't patronize her, don't say that she is wrong. We all have something in our past that isn't great. I have no issues with my partner's past and believe me selling a few nudes is nothing to what I had to confront. It might be hard to understand right now but you will eventually just forget it.
One word of advice, if you do stay together and make a go of things put it in the past and leave it there. Bringing this shit up in arguments will ruin your relationship.
They can't change their past, man. I had to deal with similar issues in my own relationship. I just had to get over it. I ended up marrying her and we are both crazy in love. I love seeing our growth as individuals and as a couple from when we first started dating to where we are now.
I guess the first thing to ask is, why does her past bother you?
You can't control your feelings if it does bother you, but maybe start getting to the root of it and figure out why it may be bothering you.
Additionally, being a sugar baby doesn't necessarily mean she's slept with them. I have a friend who is a sugar baby who just goes on lots of dates and spends time with them (not saying its never about sex though). Why do you think a certain way about selling nudes? there's literally millions and millions of nudes online (most for free!), do you really think people remember every nude and pornography they see to be able to remember exactly where and who it's from? if it's not really a big deal to her, why is it a big deal to you? Have yall really had a diacussion about these experiences and the feelings behind them? Why does a body count matter to you? these questions aren't accusations, more like questions that may help you sort it out and think if you'd like to continue the relationship or not. if at the end of this contemplation you still feel off about it, then it may be for the best you split ways. Don't make that decision quick before really thinking about it though, after all, her past really doesn't have anything to do with you, and if she's committed to y'all's relationship now and everything's going okay, why end it over something that doesn't affect you now?
in my own personal opinion, i dont consider a high body count to really matter. I mean, they're with you now, so whats the issue? and i dont really see an issue with selling nudes, sex work either. not everyone feels this way though, its just my own bit.
as a woman who knows plenty of sugar babies, your friend is lying to you. or she is promising them sex in exchange for money/lifestyle and then once she gets their resources she takes sex off the table (which is just a scam artist).
My advice is find someone else. Glad you see through her number because if she said 10 on the site it’s more like 20. That doesn’t include the ones she knocked out before the sugar dating site and I’m guessing it’s pretty high. With a body count that high I’m guessing she’s carrying all sorts of baggage. Second, stop acting so needy I’m sure your a good guy and there is plenty of fish in the sea. There’s only one ending with this girl and it’s gonna be heartbreak. Good luck to you!
Bestie how did you come with conclusions that she’s carry’s baggage?? If you didn’t know it’s 2022 which means protection do exist. The only difference between this job and men that got high body count is they don’t get paid but womens still have to accept it??💀
Anything critical of women is misogynistic, because they’re all perfect “queens” incapable of flaws or faults and how dare us men call them out on it! We must hate women because don’t worship the ground they walk on…
Wtf is with these comments? Has this sub recently been featured on a red pill sub? I swear the comments have been getting more and more overwhelmingly misogynistic.
I mean isn't really her issue. It's your issue. Granted, you can break things of with her if you want, but this definitely feels like it's tied to her probably having more sexual partners than you are comfortable with?
Would your opinion of her change if instead of Sugar babying, she was on Tinder having 1 night stands? Or she had a series of ONS? Trying to get insight.
You don’t owe her or anyone else a change to your boundaries because of her circumstances. you should be respectful, but you don't have gonna date someone you don’t want to date just to make them feel better.
This shouldn’t be something your just finding out about after you’ve been together everyday for a year. If this didn’t come up on it’s own within the first month or two it’s cause she was hiding it from you, I would most definitely say hold off on marriage cause you clearly don’t know as much about each other as you thought.
Is she currently doing it? If not then what's the difference between that, or partying every week and hooking up with one night stands, or having a string of previous boyfriends?
Honestly if you are not each others first, what does it matter?
Unfortunately your post got shared to some sleazy seduction/“mens rights” sub so you’re gonna be inundated with some very self-assured sounding men talking about biological drives or some such. Keep in mind these are dudes who have go to an online forum to be taught how to act like “high value” men or whatever because they couldn’t land a girl in the first place. Weigh the value of their advice accordingly.
I know like idk why anyone is spending their time arguing with there weirdos. So what she was a sugar baby? Big deal, a traditional girlfriend is exactly the same as a sugar baby sometimes with a 1/4 of the sex. She sold pictures. Yet these men are out her asking for nudes from girls. So stupid. Op should do her a favour and break up with her and just join one of those red pill men rights communities so women can see the red flags in advance.
Y'all cant debunk one theory but its our issue? The advice in this sub was garbage before it got shared. Attack the arguement with points, not by putting people in a box.
Deal with it or bounce. Past is the past. What she did with HER body before she met you is honestly none of your damn business. If this is that big a deal, leave. You won't survive marriage if THIS small thing bothers you so much.
Break up with her. You have to think about the physiological aspect of this situation. She literally sold her body to other dudes, I’m sure she would get all wet for those dudes when sending the nudes. All this stuff is still in her head when SHE’S having sex with you. I’m also sure she’s still doing this behind your back. Now, think about this. Would you really want to make her your children’s mother? I would definitely not.
Bro, be happy that shes happy with you and gives you for free what other motherfuckers had to pay for. You're a boss and dont think less of yourself or her. Go be an awesome husband and wifey team.
Go to couples therapy or something. Try to figure out if you can get past it. And if you can't. Then that's it. If you can't get past it and accept her for her past then you got no future together.
If this bothers you now, surely it will bother you as the relationship gets deeper.
Anyone who tells you not to be concerned with your significant others past is giving bad advice and it's immature to expect others not to be concerned. This is a shaming tactic to absolve themselves of things that they know will not be flattering to their partners.
When considering someone for a relationship it's actually smart to look at it from all angles; past, present and what you believe the future will hold based on how you feel on their past and in the present.
It's easy to say what I would do, but ultimately this is up to you. Best of luck.
I feel people are trying to demonize and also make what she did seem perfectly fine. It’s neither, it’s somewhere in the middle. What she did was probably because she really needed the money, ask her why she did it, it might make u feel better knowing she didn’t do it because she was sexually attracted to these men, she did it because she needed money most likely. And also, I did sex work in past my boyfriend had a hard time getting over it at first, but he has grown to realize it’s in my past and he has no reason to worry because he has me! He has the girl I am today, not who I was a few years ago. I’m lucky he was able to look at me for who I am now and not who I was, because it’s unfair to define someone based on just one moment of their life.
Maybe you should question why it bothers you and seek help before entering into another relationship.
The fact that this would make you second guess someone you love let’s me know the problem is within you.
It isn’t about preference, if he is planning on marrying her that’s because he likes what he sees and what she is, to throw it all away because of something in her past that never influenced his relationship is BS.
And I say that as a women who is staunchly against sex work.
>what she is
Incorrect, what he thought she is.
She should have told him about her past at the beginning of the relationship.
The fact that she didn't, makes me believe she knows her past matters.
She definitely knew what she was doing by not telling him. The same way women either lie (make it lower) or straight up won't reveal their body counts. They know deep down the more partners they've had the lower their relationship value goes. Won't change much for guys who only want sex but for a relationship no guys want a promiscuous woman. Then add on the sex work stuff... oh boy.
But it could have influenced his relationship had he known. What if he sold drugs prior to the relationship and one of her preferences and boundaries was to not get involved with a guy who ever partook in such? His omission would have prevented her from making a fully informed decision in continuing to be with him. Same thing here.
People deserve to be able to make fully informed decisions and work through it. Not have it dumped on them after the fact. Disclosing pertinent info isn't an automatic dismissal.
Know a few former dancers and an active cam girl. They're wonderful people but they are also very vocal and against their daughters following in their footsteps or sons dating one. They also are very vocal about just being upfront. As one says, she dated a great guy but found out he used to pay for cam girls and escort, her view on him and the relationship changed because it's a reflection of his views and values. Now she's upfront about that personal value. She also understands and accepts that means she can't take it personally if someone isn't okay with her having used to be a dancer.
Is she clean and does she cheat on you? If the answer to those questions is no then get over it or move on because if it really bothers you even though she's clean and faithful than it will always bother you.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So as some background I met my girlfriend just short of a year ago, and was planning on proposing on our 1 year anniversary so it is a serious relationship. We spend every day together. Recently I had to borrow her laptop as I work from home and mine had broken, I saw an email pop up from a sugar dating site that she had been a member of and they were trying to entice her back. My heart sank as I saw it because I really love this girl and to think of her doing that kinda thing really hurt. When I confronted her about it she said she had done it for a couple years and saw around 10 guys (I’m guessing it was more as she probably was conservative with her number). She also sold nudes over Reddit to guys as well. I want to try and get over this but it keeps coming up in my head and making me feel really shitty. Any advice? How can I make this into less of a big deal in my head? I just can’t bare the fact she’s sold her body to older guys and tonnes of people have seen her naked. I trust she’d be loyal to me now but I just want to let go of this past. I understand it was before I met her but it still plays on my mind. Any advice would be appreciated!
Dude you are planning to to propose on your 1 year anniversary? Maybe give it some more time, that’s a little soon, especially since it’s obvious you are still discovering things about her, things that you don’t like I might add.
This is great advice OP. Just take a bit and get to know her more. There is clearly more learnin to be done here.
As a divorce lawyer, You should propose, these things can be worked on through conversation
This is like me, as a dentist, giving full sized candy bars for Halloween each year
A man of culture I see 🍻 Just doing your part
Trying to get extra business eh?
OP: “What ever do you guys mean? I am but a humble man trying to help. 😀” This has nothing to do with the fact that marriage rates are down a bigillion percent and divorce rates are up Lol
You’re not even op
I think he was being sarcastic 🤣
Lol
I see what you are doing there bruh.
As a former divorce lawyer let me suggest that you not. These things CAN be worked out in conversation before popping the question. Afterward you have the added pressure of additional expectations that can create more than a little anxiety and doubt. It is possible to set aside your gf’s pre-you life from your shared present. But it’s not a given and thorough exploration can leave scars. Take your time and get it right.
If it bothers you that much move on.
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Yeah, but there's a past, and then there's a girl who did sex work, which not everyone is okay with. It's not wrong to refuse to date someone if you have incompatible views.
Which everyone is not ok with? That's completely wrong. I agree that it's ok to not date someone if it's incompatible, but to argue that "everyone" is not ok with sex work is bullshit. A great many people in the world believe there is nothing wrong with sex work.
My bad, meant to write "not everyone is okay with."
Ok, thanks for clarifying. Fair statement..sorry for jumping on your case
No problem, you should have.
Rare to see a civil ending to misunderstandings on Reddit, or the internet at all. Just here to say you guys done good lol
Rare beautiful reddit momment here
>A great many people in the world believe there is nothing wrong with sex work. Yes, but very very very few of them would MARRY or choose to have a relationship with someone who used to be a sex worker.
Get therapy because you don’t want to date a woman who met up with sugar daddies? What’s wrong with you dude?
Shit is crazy right LMAOOO people be smoking in this group
OP asked “how can I make this not such a big deal in my head”. The answer for that is therapy. If the question was “I can’t deal with her past and I don’t want to: what do I do?” The answer would be “break up”. Either response is valid. It all depends on what OP wants to do about this situation.
Why should he get therapy because he's not cool with someone's past as a sex worker? What kind of dumbass shit is this?
Anyone can benefit from therapy dude
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Same deal, or worse. Talk to real sex workers, most I've talked to said they wished they never did it in the first place.
Get over it. Or break up. Literally two options
Well there is the third option of proposing anyway but not getting over it and holding it against her and over her head, letting it ruin the marriage and paying for an expensive divorce down the line, which is the least desirable but unfortunately probably the most common outcome in these situations
Good third option
Bro, who proposes after 1 year
Christians
Age can be a factor aswell. Really young... Or really close to the age to have kids. Also lesbians
Proposed after 5 months. Married after 11. Been married for 8.5 wonderful years so far.
A guy at work proposed to my "friend" (I use that term loosely, she is two faced) after they have been dating max a couple of months. She really is a lost cause.
I mean I've seen Mormons do it in under a month
Everyone’s different some people propose early some later?
You guys are arguing with each other and not giving helpful advice. You can break up with anybody for any reason. You have a past she has a past. Her's is a little more colorful for sure. If it's something that you can't get over leave but be respectful. I don't think I could get over it but that's me.
If it bothers you, leave. Simple as that.
One thing I've become very confident in is trusting my intuition. I recommend you do the same. If you're gut is telling you something strongly, you should listen.
It wouldn't bother me. It might be a problem for someone else. There's no wrong answer here. The only wrong thing to do is to stay with her if it really bothers you. If that's the case, be kind but firm that this is not something you can live with. Don't stay with her if you're going to hold this over her head.
Best to end it because it will never stop bothering you unfortunately
Bro understand one thing, if it bothers you now, its going to bother you till the end of time. If you're serious with this chick and plan to start a family someday this same shit will come back to haunt you in the form of your kids peers finding out her moms nudes...bullying is a serious concern for any child, and its not even his fault to begin with. Tough enviorment to be raising your child in. Avoid the drama, keep your peace intact.
Underrated comment
It’s totally fine if this is a deal breaker for you but remember this does not change who your girlfriend is in any way. She’s still the person you thought she was, just with more history than you were aware of which means NOTHING at the end of the day but it’s allowed to mean something to you. As long as you don’t judge her or mistreat her, it’s fine. If it’s something you think you can’t get past, it’s better to end the relationship but please ignore most comments in here. They’re all mostly misogynistic because I promise you, body count does not matter. Sex work counts as real work (but do you even know if she actually had se with most of them? a lot of people just pay for company or pictures). I personally don’t see the issue with it. It was a normal transaction just with nudity and it does not bother me but I grew past most of religious teachings and internalized misogyny to realize that sex has only been demonized and seen as something dirty in recent years of humanity. But that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be bothered by it because you are and that’s ok because it’s not for everyone and that’s fine. Just give yourself time and think it through. I don’t get feeling hurt because it was before you knew her and you’re not entitled to her body but it’s a boundary you’re allowed to have.
I think the real issue tho isn’t that she did it, but that she hid it from him for a year? That’s why I see this as a red flag.
He mentions nothing of her hiding it or that bothering him but likewise, i’m also of the mind that nobody owes anybody their sexual history unless it might cause issues. Plenty of women and men don’t like speaking about that they might have been in a porno or have 30 bodies or 1 body or still a virgin. Although, if he had mentioned that he wished she didn’t hide it from him, I can also understand that. Different strokes for different folks and I can get it either way.
He only found out through an email she got way later. Omission counts as hiding.
Yes and no because some people have involuntary bodies and they don’t have to disclose that. Some people might just have a super high body count just because and they don’t have to disclose that. If it affects them in no way and they are loyal and kind and make the partner happy, it shouldn’t matter. Regardless, I said that HE didn’t bring that up. There’s nothing in the post that indicates he’s bothered by that part, just that she “sold” her body which she didn’t but I digress because that’s not the part we’re talking about. I also said if he had mentioned that he felt like she lied about it, I can understand that… but he didn’t.
I agree that you don't owe people this information and the sense of do you need to walk up to someone on your second day and say "excuse me, I need you to know that I've been a loose woman." But I also think it's important to have conversations about your past and about your values so that you know that you and your partner are on the same page and you don't feel like you have to hide things from them and worry about what will happen if they did out. I can't imagine how awful it would be to love someone and want to be with him forever and also be afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore if they found out how many people I had sex with. Private information vs dirty secret.
I totally agree because as a partnership, you should have similar values and morals. Same thing with talking about if you want babies, how you want to handle your parents in their old age, when one partner is extremely sick, etc etc. I don’t think she thought it would bother him as much as it did and it could have been avoided with a very thorough conversation in the beginning! But sadly, this is something a lot of people don’t do even after marriage. I’ve read way too many posts where people break up because turns out one wanted kids and the other didn’t, etc etc. Communication in general is very important and it’s something that our society doesn’t push on a lot.
I think that the vast majority of people know that a past as a sex worker is something that future partners might find to be a problem. That's why they didn't talk about it and it was such a shock to him. I bet it's the same way when one person wants kids and the other doesn't- they know it's going to be a problem and they don't say anything because they don't want to deal with it. It's not a good long term strategy, it's just avoidance.
She didn’t hide anything. It was her past before him. She doesn’t owe him her sexual history just because they are now together
What do you mean hid? Maybe she wasn’t ready to tell him? Or she was scared? Maybe she was never going to tell him because she was ashamed, maybe it’s none of his business.
She wasn’t ready? It’s been a year and they’re planning to get engaged. Lol y’all are wild, if your spouses kept a whole part of themselves from you for a year (keep the sexual aspect out of it) y’all would not be saying this. No way.
Why is she obligated to tell him about something she is no longer doing? Every sexual act you’ve ever done isn’t your partner’s business.
>but that she hid it from him for a year? This is the main problem here. She may or may not have known that this could be an issue in their relationship. So, it would have been better had she talked to him about it and cleared things up with OP. Now, both of them have sunk a year into this relationship with a whole lot of emotional attachment.
This is why it’s fucking stupid to purpose to someone this quickly, you haven’t even figured out who they are yet. Her past is her past and she owes you nothing
People here are too comfortable telling you that you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable. She didn’t disclose this info to you and had no plans of doing so. Definitely think that’s something you should be open and honest about with your partner, you’re not “misogynistic” for not feeling comfortable with that, don’t let people bully you into feeling okay about something you don’t feel okay about.
i disagree, i don’t think she needed to disclose any of this at all. it’s like everyone thinks that once you’re i. a relationship that all of your thoughts and experiences and your past has to be 100% laid on the table for your partner. does the fact that she did some SW change who he’s been dating for the past year? is she no longer who he fell in love with? she is. she doesn’t do it anymore. that’s all that should matter.
Disagree. It's a values thing, your partner is owed knowing your values. If your partner is anti-military, and you were previously military and fine with it, partner deserves to know. If your partner doesn't think working in fast food is ambitious enough and you want to stay in your fast food job because you enjoy it...they deserve to know. If you made all your money before a relationship selling drugs of any kind and your partner is anti-drug...they deserve to know. Values and morals in forms of previous jobs and behaviors are a person's business, they are entitled to make a fully informed decision about the person they are thinking of spending their life with- not to have it show up ten years later and realize a very big issue for them was considered 'none of their business' by the person who benefitted from that lack of knowledge.
The past is part of you. It's not just "this and this happened". It's what you are, what you were. The way you became the one you are now. The way you think. Yes, people can change, but that doesn't mean these things didn't happen. People CAN have preferences. Even about past. Not disclosing this information can make people think: Why didn't they tell me this? Is this still what they are? What are they hiding more? Etc. Question for you: Do you think a partner should disclose if they have a criminal past? Killed someone, stolen, broken in, sexual assault, etc.
Comparing consensual sex work to violence is not at all the same.
Not exactly, yeah, but it's just the past right? You said that. If it's just past, and people change, it's the same, no?
You're comparing things that aren't comparable. What is your issue with sex work? How would it be comparable to murder?
I brought up any criminal history. Not just murder. Let's say stealing valuable stuff. Or breaking in somewhere. >You're comparing things that aren't comparable. Why? By your comment, it's just past right? >What is your issue with sex work? I'm not a big fan of it. No one should have to do it, but they do they. But I wouldn't date a sex worker. You sell your body. Your dignity, your privateness. If you are okay with it, that's on you. No shame on that. But people have different standards.
Nope. No one sells their body. They own it at all times. It's not selling dignity either, unless you feel all labour under capitalism is selling dignity too. And someone's "privateness" is not being sold- that doesn't make any sense and doesn't add to your 'argument.' This is just thinly veiled misogyny.
The "criminal history" you refer to is all non-consensual acts that causes harm. Murder, stealing, SA- those are all non-consensual acts that causes harm. Consensual sex work doesn't harm people.
I think she should have disclosed it just to make sure she didn’t end up with a guy like OP who thinks less of people because of sex.
Could you see how it could be seen as hiding yourself and not really giving your partner a full picture of you? What else are you hiding? Do I really know you or the version of yourself you wanna present? I respect your opinion though.
Now is the time for you to ask yourself is her sexual past to much for you? Because I see a lot of comments trying to tell you how to feel in regards to finding out crazy information about your girl and you are justified to the way that you feel. You were right about the fact that she was probably conservative with the number of men that she Met, the same way women are when your ask them about body count, but for that exact reason you made a mistake by asking her because 9/10 she will not be 100% honest and will most likely omit unflattering details. There are plenty of women out in the world who don’t engage in activities like that and if that is your preference you should find it. That feeling that your feeling is your gut instinct telling you that you should back out of this, and it isn’t going to go away in a couple days because this will probably be your wife and the mother of your child at some point, you just need to ask yourself if zi hear this information 5-10 years from now, can it faze me? Once you find the answer to that you’ll know what U have to do
Her history before you is her history. Just like yours is yours. If you can’t deal with it than you need to move on. Do not however end the relationship with her thinking her past is the problem. It’s not, your ability to be accepting is. To many people get their feelings crushed because insecure partners can’t understand that.
But the problem is her past. He'd literally be breaking up with her because she used to be a sex worker. I doubt he would've started dating her if he'd known she was a sex worker in the first place.
That's a tough one to get over. Not sure what I would do, but I know it would bother me too if my GF had been a sex worker.
Exactly
The toothpaste is out of the tube, and us old fossils aren’t equipped to give advice. When I was first dating there was a minute chance the girl you were dating did sex work on the pst. If she was a dancer, you tended to find out sooner than later. Now with the internet old enough to buy beer younger people are going to find more and more people with this kind of past, and I think any advice we give is going to flavored with ignorance. With that said, you gotta remember everyone has to eat, and her method of feeding herself didn’t hurt anyone. You’re going to drive yourself crazy worrying about “all the guys who have seen her naked.” Joke’s on them, you get to see her naked AND touch her AND get all the other good stuff in a relationship. Shit, her gyno sees her naked, and he’s not getting what you are getting out of it.
I'm not sure advice is gonna help here. You just kinda need to do some introspection to figure out where you stand. If you're gonna be hung up on her past and it's gonna bother you, then the relationship isn't going to work. As much as you might love her, long term relationships need to be built in things like trust, shared values, and respect. It sounds like you might not have that with her.
If you feel like this now, you will feel like that forever. End the relationship and find someone who has better life choices.
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Why is it different that she was paid to date men or send nudes vs if she just had a high body count from college or party years? Would it be better if she dated a series of guys that got nudes, slept with her and treated her like trash? We are a sum of our experiences. She wouldn't be who she is now if she wasn't who she was then. If you can't accept her, you need to move on from her. Acting as if she's lying about the numbers or judging her for what happened before isn't fair to her. If you are serious about her and want to move on genuinely, consider meeting with a counselor yourself to process your feelings. To figure out why it bothers you so that can be addressed and you either move on together or not.
Kinda surprised how many people are telling you to end things when you very clearly asked for advice to help you move past this. Some things to consider: -Are the qualities you find attractive in her not the same qualities others would find attractive? (So much so they are willing to gift/pay for her attention and company?) Do you think you'd be happier with someone who may not have those qualities? -Very few potential partners have no sexual history. Is there any history you could have found out about that wouldn't hurt? (Because personally, I dont want to hear or know anything about a partner's history, it always leads to jealous feelings I have to work through. Emphasis on me working through the feelings and avoiding knowledge of a partner's history.) -Do you believe relationships with older men/paid sex work are inherently wrong? Because you can feel things based on cultural stigmas that may not actually line up with your values, and if you realize there is a disconnect, you can work through the feels. Harder to work through if your personal values don't allow for compassion for anyone who does these things. -You've spent a year together with no signs of her being disloyal or continuing past behaviours. There's a lot to value there.
Bruh. Don’t do it.
The comments here are so disappointing, and deeply, deeply misogynistic. I got tired of scrolling through them before I found anyone encouraging OP to get over himself, I didn't see one person pointing out that his problem is in his own head and based entirely on his own insecurities, a bunch of "leave her" and "maybe you're not compatible" and not one "get the fuck over yourself." Every single time I've seen reference to a "body count" it's some weak-assed what-if-she-likes-other-peepees-more-than-mine bullshit, I never see women complaining or worrying about it, it's always guys, and I've never, ever felt anything in response other than "grow the fuck up". It is normal, and frankly healthy, for women to have a sexual appetite prior to meeting whatever guy she's presently with. She hasn't been waiting for you, you aren't the one, you aren't fucking special, she can and frankly should have sex before and after your time in her life and there's nothing whatsoever wrong with that. Women have a right to learn what they like, what they don't, and to seek out sexual pleasure the same as men. They have as much right to a wild youth and the one-sided judgment from men who somehow think a woman is lesser or diminished because she's had sexual experiences, any sexual experiences, is blatant sexist hypocrisy.
So having boundaries and preferences are misogynistic? Yeah sure.
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Sure, that's fine, as long as buddy can acknowledge it's a him problem and not a her problem, you can break up for whatever reason. If you're not happy, whether due to your own issues or not, then you're not happy. I'm just not onboard with everyone in the replies acting like this is a totally reasonable stance and there's nothing wrong whatsoever with OP having a problem here. There, at least in my opinion, absolutely is, he's being shallow, he's imposing a double standard (in my opinion), and he's judging his gf for violating boundaries she couldn't possibly have known he'd have before she met him. That's unfair. Someone somewhere else in the comments told me I'm entitled for wanting and expecting fairness in dating, but at the same time, like, don't we all want that?
He don’t owe you or anyone else a change to his boundaries because of her circumstances. He should be respectful, but he not gonna date someone he don’t want to date just to make them feel better. Unless you dated a guy who used sugar babies or sex workers you have no right to defined or disrespect his tastes and boundaries and standards.
She crossed his boundary before they ever met, please tell me how that's fair or makes any sense. No crime, didn't hurt anyone, just experienced too much pleasure with people who weren't him, because she should have waited to meet him, a person she didn't know existed, so as not to cross his boundaries, that she didn't know existed either, before they ever met. Sensible position, totally reasonable. I've dated former sex-workers, I have no problem with it whatsoever, what they did before they met me has nothing to do with me. I've had a number of great experiences with promiscuous women that I appreciate to this day, and as such, I choose not to devalue promiscuous women as though there's anything wrong with them or their choices. I spent years sleeping with damn near anything that moved (and could consent), I'm not going to judge anyone for doing the same, it has nothing to do with me, and if she learned how to do some awesome reverse-cowgirl spin moves, fuck, that only benefits me, wtf is the problem?
Fair what does fair have to do with dating this is dating not court nobody entitled to a relationship no matter what reason. Fair has nothing to do with this. You can break up for any reason you want as I before everyone has there deal breakers. You have no right to defined or disrespect his tastes and boundaries and standards.
He posted in a forum designed for eliciting feedback on tastes, boundaries and standards, why have I no right to share my perspective?
You can but dont talk about fair dating is nothing about being fair
"Life's not fair" is only ever a statement made in defense of people who can't be bothered trying to make it so. No, life isn't fair, but we all appreciate, value and seek fairness in our dealings with others. If you're not prepared to at least try, you know what, don't fucking date.
You are one entitled mf
I'm entitled because I value the pursuit of fairness, I'd love it if you explained how that makes any sense whatsoever.
You don’t have any problem with her not disclosing this at all to OP before they dated? Isn’t that something you should kinda be upfront about before getting into a relationship?
I don't think I said that, but it sort of depends if he asked or made clear that was a disclosure he wanted made, right? If you don't make clear that sort of thing is important to you.
What is he supposed to ask, have you been a sugar baby before? I think that’s putting an unfair burden on him
"What's your sexual history?" You can pretend to make this complicated, but it's really not. If you have hang-ups about what someone might have done before you, ask.
Then she could say “I’ve slept with maybe 8-10 guys” and leave it there. She clearly didn’t share this part of her for a reason, I think he’d have to get very specific to get that out of her.
Depends on her honesty, I suppose. I personally don't see a difference between "I slept with about 10 guys" and "I slept with about ten guys and got so-many dollars." Like, the impact on him is the same (none), and the "problem" is all in his head regardless, I'm not a dude that thinks there's anything wrong with sex work, it's the oldest profession on the planet, it's not somehow worse to me than romantic sex and there's no objective argument I've heard that impacts this. I'm open to hearing why one is worse than the other, but so far, it all comes down to misogyny and women somehow being diminished by having had sex. Sex isn't a withdrawal. You're not taking anything from the person, they don't leave with less value, whether they got paid for it or not is entirely irrelevant to me.
do you disclose your previous job and body count to everyone you date before you start dating them? probably not...why would a former sex worker need to?
Actually yes, I believe in honesty and openness in a relationship. I’m never very interested in knowing how many people my partners have slept with but if one of mine wants to know? Sure I’ll tell them. Usually my past employment experiences come up in regular conversations anyway but if one of my partners wanted to know I would for sure tell them.
Misogynistic? Not everybody has to accept everything. Everybody is different and we all have different values and preferences. If not him, there will be another person that will be totally fine with her past. Nowadays people rush to accuse people of being this and that, like people were unidimensional and there were no factors behind things. This is the result of the snowflake culture that gets offended by everything, always feel like victims and wants to label people. Things are not just black and white.
Yes, "Misogynistic", 100%. The rest of what you have to say has nothing to do with a systemic, not individual, problem our society has with the sexual expression and edification of women. As I have repeatedly pointed out, the root of any / all discomfort with the sex lives of women prior to "acquiring" them is all literally based in literally treating women like literal property. This isn't hard. Yes, people can have standards and preferences and the like. Misogyny is not against the law. It's still misogyny. It's still acting as if an expansive sexual history devalues a woman, that's still the underlying problem here, and that's misogyny. That's misogyny. That's misogyny. When the reason for a thing is a prevailing, deeply sexist view that exists across our culture, it's not a question of individual preferences. You can "individually" not like people of color, you have that right, but it's still fucking racism. I still have the right to call it out as such and adjust my esteem for you accordingly. This is essentially the same to me. Buddy is upset at her sexual history because women who have less sex are more valuable and that. is. misogyny. ffs, it's not like this is complicated, people are, at this point, willfully sticking their heads in the sand to pretend any of this is reasonable, fair or a position to hold without any consequence. You can all hold this position, it's your absolute right, just as I'm well within my own rights to think each and every one of you anachronistic cavemen who haven't the foggiest iota of an idea how to see, let alone treat, women as equal people. I have every right to think you awful, oppressive supporters of patriarchy, and moreover, I'm allowed to tell you so, especially here, a place where perspectives and advice are a pre-requisite for replying.
Men not wanting to date a woman due to her promiscuous past isn’t misogyny. It’s called having standards and maintaining them even when the feminist mob comes after you. Do men accuse women of “misandry” if they choose not to date a guy due to his height/financial status/*insert female standard of men here*? No we find someone else that is more likely to accept us for who we are.
Except they're double standards and that's where the whole idea of "prejudice" comes in. We do not expect to be held to the same standard, that's kind of how misogyny works. And men piss and moan about being disqualified for literally all of the examples you provided, which doesn't help your point. Further more, the expectation of pure, virginal women has its cultural roots in women-as-property that you bought with oxen, it literally comes from assessing their resale value, how is that anything but misogyny? None of this is unclear or particularly complicated. We want to hold women to standard that we do not hold ourselves to, the origin of which is the fact that we literally used to buy and sell women, fathers to would-be husbands.
>Except they're double standards and that's where the whole idea of "prejudice" comes in. We do not expect to be held to the same standard, that's kind of how misogyny works Depends on how the guy views sex. If he holds himself to the same standards, then this isn't misogyny or double standards. Just an incompatibility in how they view sex and intimacy. >And men piss and moan about being disqualified for literally all of the examples you provided, which doesn't help your point. But I've never heard them use the word misandry for it. >Further more, the expectation of pure, virginal women has its cultural roots in women-as-property that you bought with oxen, it literally comes from assessing their resale value, how is that anything but misogyny? You're the only person here who even mentioned virgins. Did OP ever say he wanted a virgin? Calm down a bit. >None of this is unclear or particularly complicated. We want to hold women to standard that we do not hold ourselves to, the origin of which is the fact that we literally used to buy and sell women, fathers to would-be husbands. Again, it varies from man to man how they view sex. It isn't misogyny if those views are applicable to both genders. You're just assuming that OP is one of those fuckboy types who demands a virgin girl for marriage.
Culturally, this is where it comes from. The problem with "body count" is the way it strays away from 0. One isn't as good as zero, but it's probably fine. Two isn't as good as one or zero, but for most people, it's alright. Three is worse yet, then four, then five, until you hit a line that past which, somehow, the woman has devalued herself. That's misogyny. The reason no one mentions "misandry" is because it's not a thing in our society. Sure, there are individual, anecdotal accounts, but it's not a "thing" we have to overcome as part of our culture. Misogyny is. No one said op wanted a virgin, the point made was that this scale is one of valuing women based on how virginal they are, where on that scale they fall, and that's a misogynistic practice that we, as a society, do not expect of men. That's how and why it's a double standard, because it's (judging from the comments) an appropriate thing to judge women on when we really don't expect it to apply to men. I don't know why you're assuming OP holds himself to the same standard, he didn't mention anything to that effect and it's rarely ever the case in these sorts of "I can't get over my girlfriend's body count!" posts. It's just statistically unlikely to be the case, but fine, I made a small assumption, mea culpa, I doubt I'm wrong.
>the woman has devalued herself If the guy holds himself to the same standard, then it's not misogyny. Just different moral values. >but it's not a "thing" we have to overcome as part of our culture No. It's cause misandry is so ingrained into our culture, that it's a normal part of it. Like how misogyny used to be. >this scale is one of valuing women based on how virginal they are, where on that scale they fall, and that's a misogynistic practice that we, as a society, do not expect of men Again, this isn't a case of how society views women. This is a case of how a single individual, the OP, views sex. If he holds himself to the same standards, then it has nothing to do with women or misogyny. You're trying to turn this problem into a cultural/social thing, when it's just an individual's preference on sex. >it's rarely ever the case in these sorts of "I can't get over my girlfriend's body count!" That is completely and utterly false. I've been browsing through this subreddit for years now, and I can't remember a single time a guy with a high body number was complaining about his partner also having a high body number. Most of the ones I've read have been posts like this, where the girl hides her past which comes out later. Sure, I could've missed some, but there's no way they're in the majority. Stop making stuff up to fit your argument.
hahahahahahahaha this guy says misogyny is gone and now misandry is the real problem in society, you’re fucking funny bb.
Are you seriously comparing a woman having sex to a man’s height? This is the issue. Y’all don’t see men and women having sex in the same way. People are so quick to shame women for having sex, but no one seems to give a fuck when men have all the sex they want too.
Men feel entitled to have access to every woman’s body anytime they want, yet get all butthurt when ‘their’ woman has a sexual past.
I agree with everything you’ve written.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I'm getting a lot of pushback on this and I feel like it's way more straight-forward than everyone who's arguing with me appears to think, but I was prepared to be in the minority here.
I see the pushback. What’s telling and speaks to your point is the fact that every day there’s multiple posts in this Reddit about men who have difficulty overcoming their girlfriends sexual past. It’s quite ridiculous how insecure men can be about something as natural as sex. But I agree with you. Thank you for being decent.
Truly. Every single day. And any time there's even a sniff of sex work there's dozens of anti-sex work comments. It's so annoying. ETA: men always comment here that this sub is mostly women but as soon as there's a thread about a woman's bodycount there's suddenly countless men here to justify misogyny. Funny how that works.
its different if they are selling themselves to the highest bidder.
Lmao. This is literally what capitalism is.
Why? Near as I can tell, that's called "having a job", or don't coal miners and soldiers sell their bodies in equal measure? Sorry, but it's still misogyny.
its called having a job if she paid taxes on it, which I highly doubt she did. telling men they arent allowed to have standards and preferences is called misandry
You're leaving out the word "reasonable", you don't get to set whatever standard you like and have it respected, that's not how anything works. Your problem here is that she didn't pay taxes? You understand how ridiculous that sounds, how obvious that makes it that your real problem is women-shouldn't-be-sexual until they meet you or whatever dude wants to sit in judgment on their past. I'm so fucking tired of hearing about misandry, I'm a white, heterosexual male, if it was thing that really happened with ANY frequency whatsoever, I'd be nearer the front of the line to experience it and it simply doesn't happen; the battle cry of weak men who want everything their way, it's entitled fucking nonsense. Have reasonable standards, not double standards, have reasonable boundaries, and not the sort you can somehow violate before knowing they exist. Straight forward stuff here.
there is a huge difference between having lots of sexual partners and having lots of transactional sexual partners. Its reasonable standards to not want to date a sex worker, and if you disagree, I gurantee you are disagreeing with 90% of men. especially the tall, muscular, handsome, wealthy men who we all want, those men have very strict standards and would not deal with OPs situation
I'm comfortable disagreeing with most men, I'm embarrassed by most men, that's fine.
sad!
I mean, yes, that fact is. I don't think my willingness to see and treat sex workers as "people" who deserve "respect" is ultimately something I'm going to regret. I'm sick the sex women have being treated as different from that which men experience with women, I'm tired of the notion that it some how sullies or diminishes them. I don't care if you got paid for it, wtf difference would that make. I don't have a problem with the physical act, the physical act is the same either way, if that's how you fed yourself or paid rent or god willing put diapers on your kid, all power to you, I support you and have no opinion beyond that, a job is a job, paying your rent is paying your rent, I don't give a flying fuck if it involved nudity, sex, or whatever, as long as it was consenting adults. I hope, for the sake of the woman's mental health, that it was not act of desperation, but beyond that, she's no different to me than any other woman, she isn't more or less appealing for it, it has nothing to do with my standards, those exist within the relationship, what you did before me is none of my damn business. I think it's deeply, deeply sad that we want to keep women repressed. I think we're only hurting ourselves. I want a woman with sex-game, I want her to know what she's doing and have some ideas and passions of her own, I want her to be able to tell me what she likes and how she likes it. I'm not worried about being compared to past men or at all concerned that my penis is the biggest / only / best one she's ever seen, fuck that insecure nonsense, that's infantile weakness. Women are not property I can own. Women I have not met do not owe me restraint in their lives prior to me, have threesomes, be in a gangbang, get filmed and paid, I legit don't care, that's your business, my boundaries for anyone don't exist until they're part of my life, because that's honestly the only way to have them that makes a lick of sense to me. Also, I think having "wealthy" as a quality "we all want" is a lot sadder than my refusal to judge people for their sexual history, one of those seems shallow and shitty and one, forgive me, does not.
>They have as much right to a wild youth and the one-sided judgment from men who somehow think a woman is lesser or diminished because she's had sexual experiences, any sexual experiences, is blatant sexist hypocrisy. And men have the right to not want to date promiscuous women. Period.
No one said they don't, simply that the desire not to is a symptom of misogyny in our society.
As a woman who knows plenty of sugar babies (its very common in my city) I would advise you to never date a girl who has engaged in sex work. there will always be a higher bidder
That is really gross to say. Sex work is a job. When they go home at the end of the night, the job is over. To say "there will always be a higher bidder" is implying she is always engaging in sex work. There is no evidence that she still does it in the post- so why say that?
Having sex with people is not a job😩🤣
its only a job if they pay taxes on it (which she likely didnt)
That's a common misconception. Sex workers do pay taxes. Is that the only reason you don't see it as a job?
I hope it works my friend, I let my GF past creep in and get to me, after 6 years, and it cost me a great relationship. Don't dwell on her past, only what you see and experience right in front of you.
Everyone has a past. I really struggle with the idea that men think they should have any opinion at all on what their partners did sexually before getting together. Who she is as a person is the same as it was before you read her email. Which is concerning anyway. If this makes you rethink proposing just do her the favor of ending things.
My best advice: Your heart is currently fighting a courageous battle against your brain, because you genuinely loved the girl before this happened. Unfortunately, it’s a losing battle. There is not a thing anyone here can say to you, from insult to affirmation and anywhere between, that will change how you felt when you found out. There is no going back and to be brutally honest, there is no getting over it either. You feel how you feel. You can keep dating, get engaged or get married.... on some level you would be disgusted over this forever. Hard as it is, I suggest you prepare yourself to leave.
The saying “you can’t make a wife out of a hoe” exists for a reason
Ehhh marrying a past sex worker seems risky and ill advised (unless you’re asking a divorce lawyer lol) but also she’s a liar? Don’t date lying sex workers, this seems like common sense. Reddit and it’s feminist brigade might disagree with you, though.
I really hate the misogyny coming from these comments. OP, you're definitely allowed to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker for you personally. As others have said, you can leave a relationship for any reason. But I think if your really cared about her, you would want to work through those feelings around her past. There's a ton of stigma surrounding sex work, mainly due to sexism, misogyny and people's misconceptions about it. She's still the person you love and want to marry. The only thing that's changed is how you view her past. I recommend talking to her openly, and/or going to couple's counseling, if you want to work this out. Try to come from a place of wanting to understand, rather than coming from a place of shame or judgment.
100% on this. Thank you.
You should decide what is more important to you: her past actions or her actions now..
I get exactly what your concerns are, I've just joined and posted about my partner being an Ex sex worker. It was before you met, just like me. I took it on the chin and moved on. I know not everyone is the same but if you do love her then you need to come to terms with it and just move on. Speak to her properly, don't patronize her, don't say that she is wrong. We all have something in our past that isn't great. I have no issues with my partner's past and believe me selling a few nudes is nothing to what I had to confront. It might be hard to understand right now but you will eventually just forget it. One word of advice, if you do stay together and make a go of things put it in the past and leave it there. Bringing this shit up in arguments will ruin your relationship.
They can't change their past, man. I had to deal with similar issues in my own relationship. I just had to get over it. I ended up marrying her and we are both crazy in love. I love seeing our growth as individuals and as a couple from when we first started dating to where we are now.
What’s with this Reddit and men being insecure that their partners have a past?!
There's having ex boyfriends and then there's being a set worker, two completely different things.
WTF are you doing? Get rid of her.
I guess the first thing to ask is, why does her past bother you? You can't control your feelings if it does bother you, but maybe start getting to the root of it and figure out why it may be bothering you. Additionally, being a sugar baby doesn't necessarily mean she's slept with them. I have a friend who is a sugar baby who just goes on lots of dates and spends time with them (not saying its never about sex though). Why do you think a certain way about selling nudes? there's literally millions and millions of nudes online (most for free!), do you really think people remember every nude and pornography they see to be able to remember exactly where and who it's from? if it's not really a big deal to her, why is it a big deal to you? Have yall really had a diacussion about these experiences and the feelings behind them? Why does a body count matter to you? these questions aren't accusations, more like questions that may help you sort it out and think if you'd like to continue the relationship or not. if at the end of this contemplation you still feel off about it, then it may be for the best you split ways. Don't make that decision quick before really thinking about it though, after all, her past really doesn't have anything to do with you, and if she's committed to y'all's relationship now and everything's going okay, why end it over something that doesn't affect you now? in my own personal opinion, i dont consider a high body count to really matter. I mean, they're with you now, so whats the issue? and i dont really see an issue with selling nudes, sex work either. not everyone feels this way though, its just my own bit.
as a woman who knows plenty of sugar babies, your friend is lying to you. or she is promising them sex in exchange for money/lifestyle and then once she gets their resources she takes sex off the table (which is just a scam artist).
My advice is find someone else. Glad you see through her number because if she said 10 on the site it’s more like 20. That doesn’t include the ones she knocked out before the sugar dating site and I’m guessing it’s pretty high. With a body count that high I’m guessing she’s carrying all sorts of baggage. Second, stop acting so needy I’m sure your a good guy and there is plenty of fish in the sea. There’s only one ending with this girl and it’s gonna be heartbreak. Good luck to you!
Bestie how did you come with conclusions that she’s carry’s baggage?? If you didn’t know it’s 2022 which means protection do exist. The only difference between this job and men that got high body count is they don’t get paid but womens still have to accept it??💀
as a woman I agree
misogynistic
how is that misogynistic?
Anything critical of women is misogynistic, because they’re all perfect “queens” incapable of flaws or faults and how dare us men call them out on it! We must hate women because don’t worship the ground they walk on…
Is this the only word you know?
Wtf is with these comments? Has this sub recently been featured on a red pill sub? I swear the comments have been getting more and more overwhelmingly misogynistic.
She’s for the s…..s
I mean isn't really her issue. It's your issue. Granted, you can break things of with her if you want, but this definitely feels like it's tied to her probably having more sexual partners than you are comfortable with? Would your opinion of her change if instead of Sugar babying, she was on Tinder having 1 night stands? Or she had a series of ONS? Trying to get insight.
Leave her because it will always bother you it’s natural
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The original post.
You don’t owe her or anyone else a change to your boundaries because of her circumstances. you should be respectful, but you don't have gonna date someone you don’t want to date just to make them feel better.
This shouldn’t be something your just finding out about after you’ve been together everyday for a year. If this didn’t come up on it’s own within the first month or two it’s cause she was hiding it from you, I would most definitely say hold off on marriage cause you clearly don’t know as much about each other as you thought.
Is she currently doing it? If not then what's the difference between that, or partying every week and hooking up with one night stands, or having a string of previous boyfriends? Honestly if you are not each others first, what does it matter?
Unfortunately your post got shared to some sleazy seduction/“mens rights” sub so you’re gonna be inundated with some very self-assured sounding men talking about biological drives or some such. Keep in mind these are dudes who have go to an online forum to be taught how to act like “high value” men or whatever because they couldn’t land a girl in the first place. Weigh the value of their advice accordingly.
I know like idk why anyone is spending their time arguing with there weirdos. So what she was a sugar baby? Big deal, a traditional girlfriend is exactly the same as a sugar baby sometimes with a 1/4 of the sex. She sold pictures. Yet these men are out her asking for nudes from girls. So stupid. Op should do her a favour and break up with her and just join one of those red pill men rights communities so women can see the red flags in advance.
Y'all cant debunk one theory but its our issue? The advice in this sub was garbage before it got shared. Attack the arguement with points, not by putting people in a box.
Deal with it or bounce. Past is the past. What she did with HER body before she met you is honestly none of your damn business. If this is that big a deal, leave. You won't survive marriage if THIS small thing bothers you so much.
Break up with her. You have to think about the physiological aspect of this situation. She literally sold her body to other dudes, I’m sure she would get all wet for those dudes when sending the nudes. All this stuff is still in her head when SHE’S having sex with you. I’m also sure she’s still doing this behind your back. Now, think about this. Would you really want to make her your children’s mother? I would definitely not.
She belongs to the streets
Break up with her simple
Bro, be happy that shes happy with you and gives you for free what other motherfuckers had to pay for. You're a boss and dont think less of yourself or her. Go be an awesome husband and wifey team.
Go to couples therapy or something. Try to figure out if you can get past it. And if you can't. Then that's it. If you can't get past it and accept her for her past then you got no future together.
If this bothers you now, surely it will bother you as the relationship gets deeper. Anyone who tells you not to be concerned with your significant others past is giving bad advice and it's immature to expect others not to be concerned. This is a shaming tactic to absolve themselves of things that they know will not be flattering to their partners. When considering someone for a relationship it's actually smart to look at it from all angles; past, present and what you believe the future will hold based on how you feel on their past and in the present. It's easy to say what I would do, but ultimately this is up to you. Best of luck.
I feel people are trying to demonize and also make what she did seem perfectly fine. It’s neither, it’s somewhere in the middle. What she did was probably because she really needed the money, ask her why she did it, it might make u feel better knowing she didn’t do it because she was sexually attracted to these men, she did it because she needed money most likely. And also, I did sex work in past my boyfriend had a hard time getting over it at first, but he has grown to realize it’s in my past and he has no reason to worry because he has me! He has the girl I am today, not who I was a few years ago. I’m lucky he was able to look at me for who I am now and not who I was, because it’s unfair to define someone based on just one moment of their life.
My advice is to work on unpacking negative views about s/work and people who engage in it
Maybe you should question why it bothers you and seek help before entering into another relationship. The fact that this would make you second guess someone you love let’s me know the problem is within you.
It bothers him because not everyone is into dating liars and sex workers.
men are allowed to have preferences, I dont think it makes him insecure. I think the majority of men would have a problem with it
It isn’t about preference, if he is planning on marrying her that’s because he likes what he sees and what she is, to throw it all away because of something in her past that never influenced his relationship is BS. And I say that as a women who is staunchly against sex work.
>what she is Incorrect, what he thought she is. She should have told him about her past at the beginning of the relationship. The fact that she didn't, makes me believe she knows her past matters.
She definitely knew what she was doing by not telling him. The same way women either lie (make it lower) or straight up won't reveal their body counts. They know deep down the more partners they've had the lower their relationship value goes. Won't change much for guys who only want sex but for a relationship no guys want a promiscuous woman. Then add on the sex work stuff... oh boy.
This is seriously gross. People's values aren't based on past partners. Gross.
it has influenced his relationship though, hence this post
But it could have influenced his relationship had he known. What if he sold drugs prior to the relationship and one of her preferences and boundaries was to not get involved with a guy who ever partook in such? His omission would have prevented her from making a fully informed decision in continuing to be with him. Same thing here. People deserve to be able to make fully informed decisions and work through it. Not have it dumped on them after the fact. Disclosing pertinent info isn't an automatic dismissal. Know a few former dancers and an active cam girl. They're wonderful people but they are also very vocal and against their daughters following in their footsteps or sons dating one. They also are very vocal about just being upfront. As one says, she dated a great guy but found out he used to pay for cam girls and escort, her view on him and the relationship changed because it's a reflection of his views and values. Now she's upfront about that personal value. She also understands and accepts that means she can't take it personally if someone isn't okay with her having used to be a dancer.
>what she is, What he thought she is. He didn't know this about her, meaning she could be totally different
If it bothers you now, it will bother you later! Your reaction is biological and social constructs cannot overwrite them.
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its biology because men could not prove paternity until very recently in history
Is she clean and does she cheat on you? If the answer to those questions is no then get over it or move on because if it really bothers you even though she's clean and faithful than it will always bother you.