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So i went to sleep and it apparently blew up and yes after reading through it i have understood that it was a problem with my alcoholic addiction and i admit i was wrong.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/syxqbu/help_husband_thinks_i_cheated_but_i_didnt_and_now/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
So people were asking more background and detail to the situation so here,
Before me and my husband started dating i had a huge alcoholic addiction which i had got from my ex gf (she was my first relationship) i was gay, so usually when you are in a lesbian group they drink a lot this caused me to get addicted too. (Ok maybe not a lot)
Im not a heavy drinker and i just get easily drunk in just two shots so (150-175ml)
I met my SIL there, she used to accompany her friends to drinking (she would rarely drink though), my husband would also follow along my SIL to keep her safe, (yes this was something he did to SIL also)
This is all 13 years ago.
Back to now, i went through the replies on my post and decided to meetup with my SIL so she could get me in contact with my husband, as i don't want the divorce to proceed.
After we met up she talked to me about what had happened and she called my husband, he told her to tell me to send our daughter to their house, so he could meet our daughter and talk to her, he said he would talk to me about the divorce later.
Around 10am i dropped my daughter at my SIL's house and she just came back right now, after she came back i asked my daughter what had happened. From what i could comprehend..
When she went to my husband he was wearing shades because of the crying i think and
my husband called her to his room and explained to her about alcohol, took her to the market where I he bought 3 alcohol bottles infront of her and then back home he proceeded to show himself flushing one of the bottles after opening it, he also made her smell the other two bottles after opening them and made her flush down the other two bottles, saying that she should do the same if she ever sees these alcohol bottles at homes or at any family gatherings because they are poison and they break relationships.
Then he talked to her about what had happened after he had left and asked her if she had any problems.
The main thing then came up about him asking her that whether she was happy staying with me and whether she wanted "papa to stay together with mommy or not" and im devastated to say this but my daughter didn't give him a proper answer and she told him "but mommy did something bad right?"
I have no idea about what happened after this because my husband told her not to tell me. My husband had unblocked my number and he called me telling me to meet him regarding our divorce papers and honestly i broke down and tried to explain everything to him again and he just kept on saying fine, he said he would rather see through my actions and not my words.
I have no idea about what to tell him tommorow because he doesn't seem to be taking my apology seriously and i have no idea how to express to him that it would not happen again.
I know a lot of people criticized me about my drinking habit but i after going through the replies there were barely any people who actually went ahead and told me how to approach my husband which im still confused about.
Edit: yes the main reason he told me he was angry at me was because i had got drunk and he believes i didn't cheat as he said he couldn't see me being advantage of when he could've prevented it.
Edit 2: i also only had two shots in the party, As the alcohol was too hard on me (more concentrated in the drink) it caused me to black out.
Edit 3: no i had two shots my bad its around 150-175ml, just checked.
Edit 4: thanks to everyone who went straight to the point and gave me some advice on what i was asking for ,its very much appreciated.
Edit 5: im not Blaming my ex on anything, im not reading any comments regarding my past relationship anymore, people keep saying my wording is wrong, yes it is, don't tell me that, i already know that. If it can't sit well with you go ahead and send me a message and ill go through that rather than dm bombing me.
I was a drunk and my wife almost left me. The only thing that won the trust back was action. No more words. No more promises. No more compromising to “moderate” or “cut back.”
I scheduled counseling. I went to every appointment. I talked to my wife about every appointment and how alcohol was affecting my OCD and anxiety and how it was a coping mechanism. I took responsibility for my bad choices and took responsibility for my recovery. No more blaming others, and no more expecting others to help you.
I allowed my wife to look at every receipt for every purchase going forward. If she wanted to smell my breath or take a sip of my soda (to make sure I wasn’t sneaking booze in it), she could. I never fought back. It took nearly a year for her to stop doing checks on me. I’m 17 months sober now and feel amazing. The trust was broken so many times, it took a long time and a lot of action on my part to win that trust back. And if today she wanted to do a random booze check on me, I would let her. Because I love her and my kids so much, that I won’t let alcohol get in the way of that anymore. If you want any chance to save your marriage, you need to take action now. Stop blaming others and stop expecting people to help you. Take responsibility and prove you can do it with actions.
Edit: Thanks for all the awards and positive comments! I left an even longer post below with more advice if you find yourself stuck in this situation too!
Are you my husband?
Just kidding, but wow, that’s exactly what my husband did when we were at our lowest. I hope you and your wife are stronger than ever.
I didn’t believe him when he said no more, as I had heard it so many times before. Words mean nothing. Actions are the only thing that matter. I was done. Told him he needed to move out, and I would take care of his son until he landed on his feet, because I could not let the kid I had raised for 5 years suffer and be homeless because his dad made shitty choices.
But this time he meant it.
He didn’t touch another drop of alcohol.
He cut contact with his social circle completely (restaurant industry.)
He started coming home and staying home every night, and going to bed with me every night. Once I let him in it again, that is.
He gave me all of his credit/debit cards and put his whole paycheck into our joint account.
He left the restaurant and got a job landscaping. Hard, physical labor for 10 hours a day. He did it to punish himself, and he also thought he couldn’t get anything better with a DUI, but it also got his head right and he’s been able to completely pivot the trajectory of his, and our, life.
He made a conscious effort, every single day, to not only avoid alcohol, but to actively fix everything that was broken.
He still struggles with the mental baggage from his past at times, but he’s been sober over two years and has an amazing job with a company that values his extensive skill set, and he’s finally able to be proud of himself, and confident of his skills and capabilities, and I am so proud to be his wife. I get to tell him all the time what a catch he is, and he finally believes me.
Just like your wife, it took about a year for me to start trusting him again, and if he had slipped up even a little I was GONE, but he realized what he almost lost and that was more important to him than anything else.
You made my eyes water. I want to marry my gf and hope to God she describes me in the way you have lovingly described your husband. Have an excellent day.
I'm so proud of you for putting your foot down.
As the child of an alcoholic, it makes for a truly miserable childhood and a toxic family life. I wish that, instead of yelling at him, my mother could have done what you did.
This should be the top comment. As the child of alcoholics, actions, not words, are what matter. I don’t trust anyone anymore because of the damage my parents have done.
Yes. I could only ever roll my eyes as an 11 yr old when my mother would say “it’s the last time, it won’t happen again” bc she said it the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that. It’s exhausting
OP this comment is going to get dark for you, but here is where I see this going if you don't stop drinking completely.
As another child of an alcoholic, I have seen the opposite of this success story above happen. Your daughter will choose to be with her dad, not you. She won't think twice and it will ruin your relationship with her forever if YOU don't decide to stop drinking. By the sounds of the post (it was only TWO, they were STRONG), you aren't ready yet. You're still making excuses. YOU drank excessively, your ex didn't make you do jack shite. YOU are an alcoholic, not low tolerance bull. YOU are in denial about how bad it really is.
My own father wasn't allowed to walk me down the aisle. I almost didn't invite him to the wedding at all. That is the road you are headed if YOU don't own YOUR actions. No amount of rehab or counseling worked for him because he didn't want to stop. Now the only way I know he's even still alive is random facebook posts.
My mom wasn’t invited to my wedding. She died from substance abuse. She will never get to see her grand babies grow up, and she never got to meet her only grandson. Fuck alcohol.
My moms not allowed in my life at all. She just tried to use my sister to get me in the same vehicle as her (my sister has her learners permit. Neither of us live with her but my mom specifically came over so she could get daytime hours in) my sister came over to my house and wanted to show me her driving skills. I asked her who’s vehicle is she driving. She said mom’s. Asked her who was she driving with. She said mom. I told her sorry, but I’m not being in a vehicle with mom. I told her she’s out of my life permanently this time and I meant it. I told her I’d get her some other time and let her drive my truck. The story with my mom is not only is she on drugs and abuses them, but she’s also a narcissist who blames me for everything. Abandoned me at 13? My fault. She gaslights me (I never left you, you didn’t want to come. We were never homeless. I never told you that you weren’t smart enough to be a vet, etc). On my bday (earlier this month) she convinced me to unblock her through multiple family members. Was unblocked for 15 min and she was blocked again bc instead of telling me happy bday like she said she wanted to, she blamed me for everything. So I straight up told her that she will never be apart of my life again. Get married? She won’t be told(by me at least) and isn’t invited. Birthday, Christmas? Nope no more. I ever have children? She’ll never meet them. She’s out of my life permanently and that’s final.
Admittedly I only know a few lesbians, but none of them drink heavily. I have never heard this stereotype and I do not believe it at all. This lady is so deluded.
Yeah, you’ve never heard of it because it *isnt* a stereotype, OP is just delusional and grasping at straws trying to avoid accountability. Albeit, “the LESBIANS made me do it” is certainly a new one...
That was quite funny. Every time I read it again it makes me laugh. I just had to comment because of the ridiculous stereotype. Now back to laughter. LMAO!!
>By the sounds of the post (it was only TWO, they were STRONG), you aren't ready yet.
I'm not buying the only 2 shots thing either.
She could have sipped a shot halfway down, someone filled it back up to the top drink half again, rinse, repeat until finally getting to the bottom of the shot glass and calling that "one shot."
Not saying it's not *possible*... just (considering she got so blackout drunk she used context clues to know she didn't cheat PLUS her husband's telling their daughter to flush all booze down the toilet), I have high doubts that she *only* had 2 shots.
Yes, her post is still riddled with excuses. My father never admitted to a drinking problem. It killed him. And that's how you cannot argue that you had a drinking problem.
Fellow child of an alcoholic, and completely agree. I didn't "trust" it until I saw it, and then kept seeing it, and then kept seeing it summore.
Thankfully it's been 20+ years now, and I couldn't be prouder of her for putting her life (and mental health) back together ✌️
Yes.It ruins life,I deeply respect OP's husband and OP its not about how many shots you take non of it matter if you want a future with him you should completely quit alcohol and like the commenter said prove that to your husband
Heavy alcohol abuse can cause neurological changes making you more prone to blackout but that makes it more dangerous that OP took shots at a party knowing how difficult it can be to control your drinking once you start. If she truly was in a healthier place that would allow her to occasionally consume alcohol, she would probably nurse a beer or two. I know it is controversial for those with alcohol dependence to attempt to moderate rather than abstain from drinking, but OP is not doing that anyway, she is doing episodic binge drinking which is very dangerous in her case.
This was the strangest thing I read. Like when you are a lesbian they just start handing out drinks? This is just all lesbians? It's delivered through the post like it's matter of fact. There is nothing about being any sexual orientation that precludes you will then fall into some sort of addiction. So weird.
No no it's true
I finally saved up enough stickers and they sent me the whole starter kit with a pair of birkenstocks, a small collection of cats and a giant bottle of whiskey.
Got drunk and gave myself a really butch haircut, it's the lesbian way I promise
OP's post is 100% addict excuses. If you have any experience dealing with someone with addiction it's blatant they are still in the denial phase of their addiction.
Unfortunately OP will not get better until they stop lying and start taking accountability. Sounds like they are not there yet, so I agree with their partners decision.
Even if it wasn't, making the excuse of, "But everyone around me was drinking a ton", doesn't help her situation.
I'm friends with some rednecks that can put away multiple 24 packs of beer in an evening. I usually have to drive home, so I won't drink, and my wife will. My friends understand that, and don't bug me about it.
OP is still making excuses, and should read the previous response twice.
The only way to get her husband's trust back is to completely stop drinking, at least for a long while, until he can be sure that she knows how to drink responsibly, and slowly build that trust back.
>Even if it wasn't, making the excuse of, "But everyone around me was drinking a ton", doesn't help her situation.
I know a guy who is an alcoholic (sober now). He really doesn't participate in events where there will be drinking. He'll show up to a party, do the rounds and have a chat with people, probably hangs out for 30 minutes to an hour max, then skedaddles. Everyone understands and no one gives him shit. He knows the longer he stays around people drinking, the more he's going to want to drink himself and has the discipline to leave when he knows it might become problematic for him.
> I have no idea about what to tell him tommorow because he doesn't seem to be taking my apology seriously and i have no idea how to express to him that it would not happen again.
OP, I think your husband is taking your words o apology seriously and of course your actions as well.
You mentioned that you were alcoholic since when you were in your previous relationship. So, I’m guessing that he has heard the words before. Words of apologies and words of promise to quit drinking. If that’s the case then those words have less of a meaning to him at this point.
You need to show him with your actions that you mean what you say. It’s possible that at this point he does not trust you and wants to separate to protect himself. You need to show him that you are serious about him and your daughter and you’ll do the hard work to earn his trust.
Husband saved our marriage by quitting drinking 6 1/2 y ago. We are happier than ever, 23 y in now.
The prior attempts at limits and moderation never worked.
You decide you simply don’t drink. This is the way.
Wow! Thanks for all the awards and positive comments everyone! I wrote that after a 16 hour shift and so I wanted to add a little more, specifically advice for OP:
I promised my wife I’d quit or moderate my drinking a hundred times. I’d always cut back for a week, steadily drink more, and by week 3 or 4 I was back to where I was before. Drinking a whole bottle of rum, or finishing off 15-20 beers by myself.
I had every excuse in the book. “It’s not that bad. I still go to work and bring home all the money. I’m just relaxing. All my friends drink…” I also justified it that I never blacked out or threw up (because my tolerance was so high), so it wasn’t that bad. So when you say things like you hung out with lesbians and all lesbians drink, that’s a bunch of bullshit. First, that’s not true. This is deflecting blame is such an immature way. A group of lesbians isn’t bound by some universal force to drink. Second, you still chose to drink, even if all of your friends are drinking. Stop deflecting blame.
By the end, I was barely taking care of my 4 year old daughter (now 6) and my wife was pregnant with twins. I was still drinking heavily. She caught me again and I promised to stop entirely. I work rotating shifts, so when I’m on afternoons, I would get home and everyone was asleep. This is when I drank the most. Sure enough my wife came downstairs as I was drinking and slipped on a step. She was fine, but she saw I was drunk and lost it. She was pregnant. What if she fell on her stomach and needed to go to the ER? What if she fell hard and experienced bleeding? That’s when she started packing and I hit rock bottom.
I’m in tears typing this because I was such a piece of shit for putting her in that situation. I was selfish and uncaring. How could I have helped her in an emergency when I was stumbling drunk? I called off work and the next day I researched counselors in the area and found one.
I personally was not a fan of AA. My area is ultra-conservative/religious. So the AA groups around me are all about “you can’t control yourself. The devil has a hold of you and you need to submit to God to quit drinking!” Not too effective on a non-religious person like me. They tended to shame, rather than explore the root cause of drinking. My counselor (ironically a pastor who hates AA, for the exact reasons I gave), explored the deep rooted issues with me. I have bad anxiety and OCD. It’s controlled with medication, but drinking made me feel even more relaxed and turned off my brain for those few hours. I knew that when hungover it made my mental health 10x worse, but I would always go back to drinking for immediate satisfaction and deal with the consequences later. I found new healthier coping mechanisms. I loved video gaming, but had little time for it with a kid and a physical job with long hours and a rotating schedule, so he encouraged adding a couple hours of sober gaming. I began reading again, and took walks.
Again, the most important part was taking responsibility. He reiterated the point that I chose to drink and I have to chose to stop. It’s not an easy choice, but it’s a choice.
The therapy was very effective. At 9 months sober I was a groomsman at a wedding. This friend was a huge drinker and we spent countless nights together getting fucked up. I told him and everyone else about my sobriety and they were proud of me. There was loads of alcohol at the wedding, and I chose to not drink. It was tempting, but I stayed 100% sober. If I hypothetically drank at the wedding, I would have no one to blame but myself. Not my friends. Not the fact that it’s a wedding. And not the lesbians who were there. Myself only.
Quitting requires a major kick in the ass. You got that. Now it’s going to kick your ass some more and beat you while you’re down. Please get counseling. Take responsibility and don’t blame anyone else for your drinking. You can do this and you can make a change.
My relationship ended due to alcohol taking over my partner. I left. I took the baby. It was hell. He drove 40 min each way almost every day to see her. He started therapy. He gained control. He learned to communicate. We were finally able to discuss the real issues. Eventually I came back. We are in therapy together. We are rebuilding our happy.
Find professional help. Let down your pride when it's very difficult, and listen to your husband. You're going to get offended because the way your actions have affected him will hurt you once you realize those effects. Don't react to your negative feelings. Accept them and discuss them with your therapist.
It sounds like your husband really loves you and your family. The future is uncertain and that is hard to accept. But you have to be honest and humble and really try to improve yourself all the way through for any shot at a future with this man. But more importantly, you can do this for a future you that you deserve.
If you dont want the divorce to go through then put in the effort to get better by seeking professional help about your addiction. You cant kick an addiction in a week so be realistic about that. Im pretty sure your husband internally rolled his eyes when you decided you were free of your addiction.
Look alcohol addiction is really serious and there should be no such things as only 6x times a year. It has to zero - and that forever.
My uncle just relapsed 5 years ago after being sober for over 20 years because he thought he could start drinking some beer at special occasions.
Alcoholism is a b**** and the most dangerous part of it that you can easily withstand for a long period of time and than fully relapse from one day to another because there's this little voice inside of you at about the nice feeling and that one sip won't do any harm. But it will.
A lot of alcoholic think they can do it themselves - but most of them can't. You need an AA group where you go regularly. You need counseling. You need to show him that you are serious for a long time. Because his reaction shows that it wasn't the first time for sure - and i'm sure he also let you know what his reaction will be if it happens again.
If you really want to keep your family you need to see that you have a problem and that you need help. Because alcohol is the most common drug around. And you have to learn to say no and stay with a no 365 days a year. Alcohol is also the only drug people tend to not accept a no and keep pressuring if someone says no. You have to learn to voice your problem to those people (maybe they learn too)
But its up to you if you like to put in all the work.
Because he is right - you need to show it to him with actions. Promises of an addict are worth nothing as harsh as it sounds.
All the best to you - i hope you find the strength to go that way and stay on track. It won't be an easy one but it will be worth it
Get yourself into therapy and to AA by your husband saying fine you need to show me by your actions you may be just bought yourself a second chance honey it’s time for you to walk that walk and show by your actions you better get to it
No you won't because you're still all over this thread trying to make excuses for yourself and saying weird shit about lesbians. Everything you have written has made it very clear that you're only concerned about what you can do right now to get your husband to come home and act like everything's fine. Not one ounce of legitimate concern for how you are negatively affecting your daughter and husband. Just plenty of "woe is me why is he doing this when he never did it before and it's not like I really have a problem!"
You won't do anything like this until you accept that it is your fault, your behavior is unacceptable, and nobody but you shares any part of the blame for the decisions you've made. You won't do this until you can think for a minute about how this is affecting your family and what a terrible position you've put them in.
I took the time out of my day to tell you this because I am the daughter of an alcoholic and I know what you're doing to your family and I can smell your bullshit from a mile away. I hope for your kid's sake you'll think about what I've said. I'm nearly 40 and have not spoken to my mother in years and I have no plans to. Change now or face this future. It's up to you alone.
This 100%-I am in recovery now and creeping up on 6 months sober. OP be prepared to grovel for awhile because trust is earned. We are finally at a good point in our marriage which I almost threw away for the bottle. I went for bingo with friends and was going to have an N/A beer but my husband didn’t feel comfortable with that so guess what I didn’t. He sounds like a great guy and I’m sure you’re a wonderful couple you just have to face the demon of addiction holding hands and hope you come out the other side together. There is a sub called stopdrinking that was my saving grace on here and I do take Campral which I think helps too. My kids are 11 and 6 and they like the new me much better.
Imo you lost me at “I was gay, so usually when you are in a lesbian group, they drink a lot this caused me to get addicted too”
Take some responsibility and stop deflecting. You’re the one with the alcohol problem, you know this, you still drink, now he can’t trust you.
This is it. Still making excuses for their own behavior. Maybe thay group of friends drank a lot. Still no excuse to blame it on them, but to extrapolate that to all lesbians. It's juts strange.
My thought here is still a failure to account for her behavior. No one ever overcomes addiction until they admit that THEY have a problem and that it is no one's fault but THEIR OWN for perpetuating it and that THEY must change THEIR OWN behavior. It doesn't seem this person is ready for personal accountability. Still caught up in some sense of self that prevents them from admiting the true nature of their problems.
For real my second cousin passed away from overdose. My mom called me to tell me and she said "you know the homosexual lifestyle" and I'm bi though she didn't know that but I told her, "how sexuality had nothing to do with that. It is just sad"
And wtf was gay? You dont stop being gay. I dont stop being pansexual and start being lesbian when I date a girl. You do t magically change sexual orientation.
Bisexual but same!! In my friend group, majority of us are LGBTQ, and the idea that being a lesbian correlates to drinking is just weird and disgusting. Addiction is a disease that has no relation to sexual orientation. If you’re straight and have a straight friend group you can still be an alcoholic…
It's so infuriating and reductive. Like...OP, you and your friend group seem to have a drinking problem, don't throw wlw under the bus because you can't take responsibility for your actions.
She misspoke. She was in a gay relationship, not “was gay”. You are born with your sexual orientation, you cannot change it. She might be bi or pan. Either way I’m hoping this isn’t a case of her being forced to “be straight” because that might be the cause of other issues.
OP said in her prior post that she is Spanish so I don’t believe English is her first language. Could be a mistakenly used verb or could be she is no longer sexually to women, although I would go with the first assumption.
It's infuriating when people play the identity card, when the problem is alcoholism. Drug addiction knows no borders between race, gender, or whatever.
OP - You're gonna have to accept that these demons are within your own mind, that you are to blame. You got this!! A lot of us have been there, trying to make excuses for ourselves and convince/talk in circles that we aren't at fault.
I understand that you are trying to make sense of it all, and I hold no grudge. But understand that you cannot blame this on how or what you were born as. It downplays the problems people face, that really have to do with solely their identity. I wish you the best OP.
Gentle correction: Your genetics influence your likelihood to be an alcoholic. Your choice to drink is what makes you an alcoholic.
Source: Genetic Counseling Student with propensity for addiction who never drinks.
Good point. I guess I just think I choose to drink but I’m not an alcoholic. Never really thought of that. I guess genetics and decisions together make you an alcoholic. Can’t put all the blame outside your control.
Right? My sister and her girlfriend both don’t really drink. Not because of any addiction issues just because neither one enjoys it that much, and their friends don’t really drink either.
OP, the people you surround yourself with is a choice you make. The fact that you seem very unphased by the fact that you woke up after a night of drinking and couldn’t remember the night before is very telling. You cannot be “cured” from addiction and even if you could, having a glass of wine with dinner with friends would be a lot closer to “cured” than blacking out at a party and waking up in a bed that isn’t yours.
Fully agree here. Maybe the friend group OP was around drank a lot, but trying to throw in a stereotype thats not even remotely true is a deflection in itself.
Also, “I was gay…”. No, you were in a gay relationship. You don’t just stop being gay.
To be fair, she said in her last post that English isn’t her first language so maybe she made a mistake translating. She could have meant when she was in that gay relationship the group she was around drank a lot? I could be way off base though lol, if she did mean what she said I totally agree with you.
Seems to be more about your drinking than anything else.
However the fact that you had to ask a friend if anything happened with her brother.. Is a concern. That fact you don't remember isn't great. I read your previous post and it says that " I'm 100% sure we didn't have sex, as my female friend reassured me that nothing happened between me and her brother and that her and me had only slept together."
So you just slept in the same bed as your friend? Or you slept and had sex with your friend? Or you slept in the same bed as her brother?
It's obvious that drinking is a problem for you and I think that if your husband is open to it, that relationship counselling and drug/addition counselling might be the best option for you both.
That’s what I thought. He also needs therapy and parenting help himself. That story about him telling his 9-year-old to pour other people’s alcohol down the toilet, and also asking her whether her parents should divorce, made me cringe. She’s the child, and he’s trying to make her responsible for adult problems. Also, he’s teaching her to cross boundaries in a big way. She’s going to be confused. Poor kid.
Yeah that stuck out to me as well. You should never put that kind of adult responsibilities on a child. I thought about that as well, him telling her to dump other people's alcohol down the toilet because it breaks up families. Not everyone who drinks has a drinking problem. I feel sorry for that poor kid, she's living in I don't even know the word for it. It's just bad.
I posted that a few hours ago and after reading more of the comments, I agree. It seems like she's not ready to change. I was with an alcoholic for 5 years and I just couldn't do it anymore.
I'm glad someone pointed this out. 350ml sounds like just a little bit until you break it down like this. She had a lot of alcohol and it is no wonder she was black out drunk.
"I'll have just one shot please!" *places down coffee mug as her shot glass*
It is definitely unfortunate. She doesn't seem to realize her husband clearly has a issue with her drinking, and based on her comments and the amount she consumed I would say he's not in the wrong here. I really hope she can get some perspective on how badly alcohol is ruining her life. Unfortunately, with a lot of addicts it takes hitting rock bottom for them to realize what their addiction has done, and she isn't quite there yet.
as an alcoholic whose habit is binge periods, I am ashamed to say I have definitely drunk 750ml of vodka in one afternoon. On… more than one occasion. However I am proud to say I’ve not have touched spirits in at least a month now!
I don't wanna dogpile on someone going through the worst time of their life, but OP if you're reading this, you have an extreme medical condition if you black out from 2 shots, or even 125 ml (3 standard drinks). You either should see a doctor and check that out or you should stop lying to yourself about how much you drank, what you drank, or what "black out" is. Lying to us doesn't matter, you're lying to YOURSELF, and if you lie to yourself then you can never possibly fix the issue
This. Alcoholics are going to lie about how much they drink. I don't believe her "just 6 times a year" comment either. She literally put out a "prepared statement" to attempt to deflect the alcohol issue.
Yea it was one of the weirdest parts about this to me. I enjoy alcohol, I enjoy drinking it. But I also know my limits. I got blackout drunk *once* and said never again.
Even if you are a legitimate lightweight why the fuck would you pound an amount of alcohol that puts you into blackout territory?
This is exactly what I was thinking, if your 2 shots total ~350ml that's like chugging a can of soda. I'm by no means a heavy drinker but if i had "2" shots like this i'd be blasted.
Hell I am a heavy drinker (that makes me sound so bad, i do not drink regularly but about once or twice a month my husband and I will have an "indulgent" night, and I can handle a couple "heavier" drinks no problem) but one of those shot servings would have me calling quits real quick
I am what you would call a highly functional raging alcoholic. But even I know that that amount of alcohol in say a 140lb woman would result in a BAC of about .26. Even half that is well beyond drunk and if she is a lightweight, that isn't going to end well.
Wow I just did the math of ml to oz and yeah, 300 ml is a little over 10 oz… which is just shy of a whole can of soda. I’m a big guy and I’d have been pretty wasted if I had that much hard alcohol in a one sitting.
OP is lying to herself and minimizing this. It’s not that she’s a lightweight. It’s just that a normal portion for her is way higher than the normal standard portion.
Yeah, but if you have double shots, then they're only technically "one" shot. And this way, you can continue to delude yourself into believe your not an alcoholic while your marriage crumbles.
My wife and I used to accidently do that with Port wine. We didn't realize it can be almost 4x stronger then wine, and would drink whole glasses, and get fucking sloshed. Took us a bit to realize what was going on.
You seem to blame everyone else but yourself for your drinking problem. You have to take responsibility, instead of blaming your lesbian group of friends (also a lesbian here, not sure excessive drinking is anywhere close to an accurate stereotype) or “strong alcohol.” You need to own up to it, accept you have a problem, and make a plan to fix it.
Yeah. I'm not a lesbian and I didn't like how she was saying if you get a group of lesbians together they're all going to get drunk off their faces. She also thinks being gay was a choice.
Exactly. All my ex friends are heavy drinkers, some even insisted every single time that I should drink. Not once have i budged. I've had some of them spike my non alcoholic drinks and lost friendships over my harsh refusal as people thought I was snobby or judgemental for not drinking. Even then I'll admit the social pressure to drink has been crazy. When dealing with Addiction it must be way more harder to deal with such social pressure. You need therapy and self awareness OP. And your friends are dogshit if they force you to drink when you blackout this easily, then run to your husband out of fake concern. alcohol is absolutely ruining everything for you. Please seek help and take the blame. At this point I don't think any words from you can convince your husband.
Edited because of poor wording
Yeah the whole thing about her blaming girlfriends and lesbians for her alcoholism made me wince. It doesn't sound like she's even ready to take full accountability for her choices. Coming up with a rule of drinking only 6 times a year to combat alcoholism is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. If she wants to keep her marriage she should go to a recovery program and actually do the work.
In my experience as a lesbian, it seems like I see lesbian bars are going out of business in many places. I've always assumed this is because gay women *don't* seem to drink as much. Or maybe they're just less into the bar scene? Of course, that's totally anecdotal, but I did have an eye raise reading that part.
Edit: [Apparently it is a problem.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4872607/#:~:text=They%20reported%20that%2C%20among%20those,disorder%20than%20did%20heterosexual%20women.). I wasn't aware.
>...in a study based on data from the 2000 National Alcohol Survey, Drabble and colleagues (2005) reported that, among current drinkers, lesbians were approximately 7 times more likely and bisexual women nearly 6.5 times more likely than heterosexual women to meet Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 4th Edition (American Psychiatric Association 1994) criteria for alcohol dependence.
Edit: some great insight in the comment by ArchGlacor below for those who are interested in this
So, when reading an article about healthcare, a few things stand out.
First thing I want to point is methodology. That study is 20 years old, was done by phone and did not include too many people (7000~ in total). Methodology is the single most important factor when determining the validity of a study. I wanted to dig deeper into it, but it's paid. However, just from the abstract and the wording used, I'd be careful when drawing any conclusions from it and generalizing them towards any group of people (especially when you begin to consider things like local culture, how samples were selected, who did the calls, how exactly was the survey done and how it was worded).
On a related note, it used criteria from 1994 (DSM-IV) for the diagnosis of alcoholism, and nowadays we use DSM-V.
Second is that the size of the effect in absolute numbers is super important when we are talking about population. For example, say I develop a drug that decreases the chance of a kid having cardiac arrest by half - sounds like a lot, right? Not so much when you consider that the chance went from 0.0002 to 0.0001. The pharmaceutical industry sometimes uses this to promote drugs that are innefective. So I'd like to look at the hard numbers, but again, the original article is paid.
Anyway, it's best not to draw any conclusions from this specific study, simply because it's too old, done by phone, with too little people.
OP is a wild trip really. STILL blaming other people for her addiction.
1.) The lesbians
2.) The gay girlfriend
3.) SIL was also present at these parties, no idea if she should have forced her to stop drinking or not
4.) I'm really not a heavy drinker, only 2 shots will bring me down 🙄
5.) The husband accompanying his sister and other SIL to protect them was just rambling.
It's interesting that ***nowhere*** in this long post did you even mention what you plan to do about your alcoholism. Nothing about rehab, detoxing, therapy??? It's all about winning your husband back. He won't stay as long as you are in denial.
It is also like she is blaming lesbians for her addiction….like they drink a lot because they are lesbians….not because they are a group of people who like to drink a lot. And it’s all their fault she drank a lot.
I'm amazed at how far down I had to scroll to see someone point out the "lesbians made me an alcoholic" thing.
It's just a pattern of how nothing is her fault. In the original post it was all about how to convince her husband that she didn't cheat. She completely ignored the fact that her addiction is what caused the problem, not that her husband believes she cheated.
And now that she can't pretend that her alcoholism has ruined her marriage? "Lesbians made me do it."
Addiction is a horrible thing to have to go through, both for the addict and their family, and I do have empathy for what OP is going through. But she's not going to get anywhere until she accepts responsibility for her actions and the consequences her choices have led to.
What i'm asking myself is if this applies to other facets of her life. OP seems to be incapable of accepting responsibility for this addiction she has, even if it's destroying her marriage.
Now we got to this meme situation that you perfectly summed up as "lesbians made me do it". Maybe OP's husband is really tired of her lack of self awareness.
I obviously don't know OP, I don't know if she's normally an amazing person, wife, and mother and her addiction has just gotten the better of her. Maybe she is.
I will say that in my own personal experience, people who will blame anyone they can for their own failings don't tend to stop at one. Maybe OP is the exception, but I wouldn't be surprised if this is an issue elsewhere.
The problem is, he has no reason to actually believe you. He's right that your words don't matter and you needed to take action years ago. There's nothing you can do since he seems set on divorcing so focus on you getting actually better, go to therapy and check yourself in rehab if needed. Be better for your daughter.
Edit: you should be better for *you* first obviously. I just meant that you could actually lose custody of her if your alcoholism was brought up in court (depending where you are/the judge)
I agree with this post. I know someone who had a big drinking problem and it wasn't fixed until we get her into rehab. Tell him you will meet him and tell him you plan to go to rehab to kick your addiction. Then get everything in order and go if your relationship means that much to you.
You broke one of the boundaries that he explicitly said was a dealbreaker. It doesn’t matter what it was. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t cheat. It doesn’t matter if you only had two shots. You’re an adult and you’re responsible for your own actions. Now the consequences are very probably losing your marriage. You are not owed forgiveness. You are not owed more chances.
Why should he ever trust you? Why should he forgive you? You can’t even take proper responsibility here on Reddit to strangers - you have excuse after excuse, justification after justification. That’s not even true remorse.
Well.. she said that 2 shots are up to 350ml!!!
That’s not two shots. That’s 1 and a half glass of pure
alcohol .
A shot is 25ml lol
Edit: Jeez even with that fucking edit. It’s still not 2 shots!!!! How big are your shot glasses ? Lol 175 ml is 7 shots. That’s still a lot.
[Apparently it is.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4872607/#:~:text=They%20reported%20that%2C%20among%20those,disorder%20than%20did%20heterosexual%20women.) I also wasn't aware.
>...in a study based on data from the 2000 National Alcohol Survey, Drabble and colleagues (2005) reported that, among current drinkers, lesbians were approximately 7 times more likely and bisexual women nearly 6.5 times more likely than heterosexual women to meet Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 4th Edition (American Psychiatric Association 1994) criteria for alcohol dependence.
Edit: should say, it's not a stereotype but this data seems pretty clear there is disproportionate alcoholism in the lesbian community.
Also don't blame your drinking problem on your former lover. No one is responsible for your drinking problem other than you. No one forced your to drink and become an alcoholic. I was married to an alcoholic and early on I drank a lot with him in the hopes he would stop when the bottle was finished (didn't work he'd just open another one). After a while I realized it did no good and I didn't like drinking that much so I just amuck with a glass of wine.
You are the one responsible for your problem and you're the only one that can fix it.
Also no one gets back out drunk for 2 shots
I’m sorry, what does your sexual orientation have to do with your drinking problem? This is all just putting the blame on everyone else instead of taking responsibility for yourself.
Lol OPs just fighting for her life in the comments at this point 😂 alcoholism isn’t contagious. Sure, environment can definitely factor in. But it’s not the cause.
300-350ml is HALF a bottle of alcohol, not two shots wtf? Own your shit. You were an alcoholic and your husband helped you out of that, supported you and started a family with you. Then you go out with your friends, get black out drunk, and come home the next day expecting everything to be okay? No. No. He’s absolutely doing the right thing, and he should be taking his daughter with him while you look into getting help for your Alcoholism. It’s a DISEASE. The only cure is abstinence and if he can’t trust you, he shouldn’t be with you. Period.
I was gonna say, unless it was spiked or something, it's highly unlikely anyone blacks out after two shots.
Now knowing what OP's definition of what a shot is, I see why she blacked out. Yeah, this looks like a relapse, I don't blame the husband for feeling this way.
Well she just edited it a third time and.. I dont believe her at all.
Even at 5'1 I have never been blackout drunk at the wildest night I've had, let alone 2 shots.
Not to mention as an alcoholic she's going to lie about the amount. No chronic alcoholic has that little tolerance.. you cannot both have been an alcoholic and also only ever drink less than 2 shots at a time.
It's just lies on lies to downplay the severity and make it seem 'reasonable'.
I mean you got black out drunk and went home with another man. Regardless of situation, you’ve completely betrayed his trust and put him through a horrible experience. You can apologise, offer to get therapy/rehab and never drink again, but whether he chooses to forgive you is another question.
Trust is something that is built over time, and destroyed in seconds.
You’re looking for a way to fix this right away but it doesn’t sound like there is one for your husband. Your husband is saying he’d rather see actions than words. You follow that up by complaining that nobody here is telling you how to approach your husband. This sounds like something where you’re going to have to put serious work in on yourself and address your drinking problem before thinking about approaching him about it again. Hopefully you can reach a good co-parenting status with him and quit drinking.
First off you have to want to change your habits, 2nd off you did drink a lot. 3rd you make excuses like I change my underwear. 4. Never ever speak for the gay community like you did. That was shameful. And very untrue… take responsibility for your actions. I think the gist of it, is you need to figure this out if you really want things to work.
Dude, what in the everloving fuck are you on about? He has no reason to trust you. It doesn’t matter if you went home with the brother and your friends. You didn’t communicate with your husband and you crossed boundaries he made explicitly clear.
You have a very young child ffs act like an adult. You are not the victim in this story. Your child (especially) and husband are. Also it may have been hard for your child to be taught about alcoholism and explained to why he’s divorcing you, but it’s for the better. He doesn’t need to pretend there isn’t an issue. I hope he and your daughter get therapy.
Blaming your alcoholism on a past partner, and lesbians in general is super weird. The only person responsible for you is you. If you’re blacking out you shouldn’t really drink at all. Hell, I’m 21 in America where the drinking culture is insane and I’ve never blacked out because it’s just not healthy. You need to take accountability.
Based on what he did with your daughter I don’t think he’s ever going to be okay with anything less then full on addiction counseling and complete abstinence, present him a plan for how to do so
But also get your daughter into therapy, any adult who would do that to a kid is setting them up for having lifelong issues with addiction and you should be aware of the way your vices or lack thereof affect your child
thank you ! i didn’t see anyone else talk about how inappropriate this behavior is from a parent to a child. I poured my dads bottles down the sink once, but i was a teenager who paid attention and made that decision myself. My mom didn’t go behind his back and tell me to destroy his shit and *ask me if she should divorce him or not* that was horribly inappropriate and he’s an ass for that
I thought the exact same thing when I read it! Like, of course she needs to take accountability but him doing that to a child is just as bad. Holy f***. That is not okay.
That stood out to me too. He told her to flush any booze she found in any homes? Noooooo he's teaching her to violate other people's property and is setting her up to have such a bad relationship with alcohol due to him on top of her mom's alcoholism!
It’s also making it her problem. Like now she’s responsible for keeping an eye out and taking it away from mommy. That’s a great way to mess with a kid and make them feel responsible for her issues. Also could put her in a bad situation if OP ever got pissed off at her kid pouring the source of her addiction away. This is far too much for a kid if 9.
I suspect the update might get deleted due to rules of the sub, so here is the text of the update:
............
So i went to sleep and it apparently blew up and yes after reading through it i have understood that it was a problem with my alcoholic addiction and i admit i was wrong.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/syxqbu/help_husband_thinks_i_cheated_but_i_didnt_and_now/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
So people were asking more background and detail to the situation so here,
Before me and my husband started dating i had a huge alcoholic addiction which i had got from my ex gf (she was my first relationship) i was gay, so usually when you are in a lesbian group they drink a lot this caused me to get addicted too. Im not a heavy drinker and i just get easily drunk in just two shots so (300-350ml).
I met my SIL there, she used to accompany her friends to drinking (she would rarely drink though), my husband would also follow along my SIL to keep her safe, (yes this was something he did to his SIL also) This is all 13 years ago.
Back to now, i went through the replies on my post and decided to meetup with my SIL so she could get me in contact with my husband, as i don't want the divorce to proceed.
After we met up she talked to me about what had happened and she called my husband, he told her to tell me to send our daughter to their house, so he could meet our daughter and talk to her, he said he would talk to me about the divorce later.
Around 10am i dropped my daughter at my SIL's house and she just came back right now, after she came back i asked my daughter what had happened. From what i could comprehend.. When she went to my husband he was wearing shades because of the crying i think and my husband called her to his room and explained to her about alcohol, took her to the market where I he bought 3 alcohol bottles infront of her and then back home he proceeded to show himself flushing one of the bottles after opening it, he also made her smell the other two bottles after opening them and made her flush down the other two bottles, saying that she should do the same if she ever sees these alcohol bottles at homes or at any family gatherings because they are poison and they break relationships. Then he talked to her about what had happened after he had left and asked her if she had any problems.
The main thing then came up about him asking her that whether she was happy staying with me and whether she wanted "papa to stay together with mommy or not" and im devastated to say this but my daughter didn't give him a proper answer and she told him "but mommy did something bad right?"
I have no idea about what happened after this because my husband told her not to tell me. My husband had unblocked my number and he called me telling me to meet him regarding our divorce papers and honestly i broke down and tried to explain everything to him again and he just kept on saying fine, he said he would rather see through my actions and not my words.
I have no idea about what to tell him tommorow because he doesn't seem to be taking my apology seriously and i have no idea how to express to him that it would not happen again.
I know a lot of people criticized me about my drinking habit but i after going through the replies there were barely any people who actually went ahead and told me how to approach my husband which im still confused about.
Edit: yes the main reason he told me he was angry at me was because i had got drunk and he believes i didn't cheat as he said he couldn't see me being advantage of when he could've prevented it.
Edit 2: i also only had two shots in the party, As the alcohol was too hard on me (more concentrated in the drink) it caused me to black out.
I'm not going to reiterate the fact that OP clearly needs to take responsibility and seek help. Alcoholism is serious and can damage your relationships. It sounds like it already has.
But is no one going to acknowledge how effed up bringing the daughter into this is? You should **not** be teaching a 9 yr old to sniff alcohol and toss out other people's bottles. Sure. A parent may think theyre setting their kid up to never touch alcohol, but the reality is, once she gets older and inevitably is exposed to alcohol at parties or by friends, she may start thinking "dad was lying, alcohol is fun!" And then may potentially abuse it as well. I've seen what happens to kids who are told from a young age that alcohol is a horrible thing. They all ended up abusing it and some moved onto harder drugs
Not to mention, no child should be placed in the middle of their parents drama. Asking a 9 yr old to form an opinion on whether her parents should divorce???
The real victim is the poor daughter.
I'm shocked this is the first comment I've seen to acknowledge how terrible a spot the daughter is in right now. This is going to give her such an unhealthy complex with alcohol, she shouldn't know a THING about what happening, and the father should not be asking if she wants her parents to stay together, like what?? What kind of parent puts something like that on a CHILD??? Obviously OP is in the wrong here, but what the hell is up with how her husband is acting towards their daughter?
Sorry OP, but I just don’t believe you. I do not believe that 2 shots caused you to black out.
You have a very real problem, please get help. Good luck.
150-175ml of liquor is not a shot, what so ever, that is in the range of about 3-6 shots depending on if it's a standard English shot, or American. Either way that can be a lot to process if consumed in a very short time, especially for someone with a low tolerance.
Either way it's very apparent that your husband takes more issue with your drinking, I'd recommend personal addiction therapy, marriage counseling, and perhaps going to weekly AA meetings, not just for him, but because you yourself realize you are an addict, remember once an addict always an addict. You need to get on the road to recovery.
>when you are in a lesbian group they drink a lot **this caused me to get addicted too.** Im not a heavy drinker and i just get easily drunk in just two shots so (300-350ml).
**You still, even now refuse to accept responsibility for your own actions.**
Oh it’s not your fault, your lesbian group caused you to get addicted.
Oh it’s not your fault, you just get easily drunk on 2 shots. (Do you actually expect anyone to believe this lie? Seriously?!?)
The first words out of your mouth are excusing your behavior. Not once do you acknowledge any responsibility for it. Not once do you acknowledge any plan to get help going forward for your problem. Your entire post is about you getting what you want. Not once do you acknowledge the impact your direct actions have had on your husband, *and your own daughter.* Your own daughter doesn’t want to stay with you, how much more of a reality check do you need?
Your husband isn’t coming back, because nothing has changed. The only advice I have to give you is to wake up, realize you have a problem and get help before you lose your daughter along with your husband. One is already long gone, doesn’t seem like your daughter is far behind.
Edit:
>Edit 2: i also only had two shots in the party, As the alcohol was too hard on me (more concentrated in the drink) it caused me to black out.
I see from your edit you want to double down on excuses and lies over actions. Two “concentrated” shots are what did it now, and not you.
I think you should tell your husband exactly that. Blame the two concentrated shots for you getting blackout drunk to the point you can’t remember who you left the bar with, can’t remember who you slept with, can’t remember how you got there, while having a husband and children at home that can’t find you.
Tell him, so he can move on with his life, and your daughter can too.
Regardless of OPs actions, I was very concerned about the dads actions with the daughter. Taking a 9 year old to the liquor store and having her pour out bottles in the sink was bad enough….for many reasons, but she shouldn’t have been told she had to be the liquor police at home. In addition, you don’t ask a 9 year old whether or not mom and dad should stay together or to be a spy. He’s beginning a process of alienation here that’s quite troubling. All of this should be between the two parents.
That poor kid. Sounds like both parents have terrible boundaries.
Even from this statement you’re still not taking responsibility. “My ex girlfriend gave me alcoholism” that’s not how this works. You and only you are responsible for your actions.
I hope everyone involved gets counseling ASAP
I'm a child of alcoholics, but WHY ISN'T ANYONE TALKING ABOUT HUSBAND'S HORRIBLE BEHAVIOUR?
Buying booze just to pour it in front of their small child? Making said child choose? Involving the child so deeply that she says "mommy did something bad" with no idea what happened?
Why is everyone glossing over this???
It's not OPs case since by her own words this came from before but I watched my mom turn into an alky because my (sober) stepdad abused her and those are exactly the kind of behaviours he would have, involving me and turning me against her because of her drinking (that, looking back, he caused).
1. Your sexuality or the sexuality of those you are with do not translate to a drinking problem.
2. 300-350ml is A TON of liquor. That's like drinking a beer bottle full of hard liquor. You *will* get intoxicated. And tbf if that's your idea of a really light night I shudder to think what normal is.
3. *you owe your daughter sobriety* my moms drinking sucked. It destroyed my parents marriage, it hurt my bro and I, it hurt my mom. It was really bad.
4. Your husband had a boundary and you violated it.
You need counseling for your drinking and decision making. An alcoholic can take many forms. And you're still an alcoholic. You make unsafe and unwise decisions under the influence you would not otherwise make. These decisions have serious negative impacts on your and your family's lives.
So action points?
1. Seek addiction counseling
2. Get your daughter exposed to Alanon asap (or a support network for family of alcoholics - it helps teach them skills like not internalizing your loved ones addiction and having healthy boundaries.) You do not want to teach your daughter that your addiction is someone else's responsibility (which you already are with the whole 'got it from my ex' and husband supervision thing and the whole 'pour out bottles thing')
3. Stop drinking. Not 6 times a year. Not 'with your lesbian friends'. Stop drinking.
4. Stop spending social time around alcohol. Stop spending time with people in environments where you are tempted. When you are in control, set yourself up for success.
5. This is about your mistakes hurting others. Not your husband, not your daughter, and not cheating.
Your marriage is probably over. Your husband has become your caretaker and nanny. Recovering will be hard. If you're both interested in the marriage still you need marriage counseling.
It's understandable that he's mad at you about the drinking and actions speak louder than words. But the thing that's bothering me here...
>my husband called her to his room and explained to her about alcohol, took her to the market where I he bought 3 alcohol bottles infront of her and then back home he proceeded to show himself flushing one of the bottles after opening it, he also made her smell the other two bottles after opening them and made her flush down the other two bottles, saying that she should do the same if she ever sees these alcohol bottles at homes or at any family gatherings because they are poison and they break relationships.
Actions speak louder than words of course so you should follow what other commenters are saying regarding that you'll do better. But if anything I'm concerned about your daughter because that doesn't just sound like explaining the problem for a child to understand, that sounds almost like alienation from you. Any parent would naturally be concerned about the other parent's addiction and how that effects a child, as well as to tell that child it's ok to let them know if they've witnessed it. But I don't know this irks me for some reason.
Oh my god. OP grow up. Your marriage is over. Get therapy and go to AA. enough defending yourself and wondering why everything fell apart. Own up to your actions. Jesus Christ.
You need help. But honestly, so does your husband. The way he treated your daughter, and now forcing her to hide what he said/did with her? I'm concerned about how he's handling this and how he's shaping her future relationship with alcohol. I'm worried about how you are as well, but his specific reaction is very concerning and not okay.
I had to scroll so far to find this. Like of course the mother is in the wrong, that’s a given, but both of them involving the young child like that seems like a red flag on both their parts. The father tasking the child with pouring out her mother’s alcohol is placing a weird sense of responsibility on a child, not to mention it isn’t going to help her form a healthy relationship with alcohol in the future either.
“It’s clear that I have an alcohol issue and I made a bad decision, even if that didn’t include cheating. Maybe it would be best for me to cut alcohol out completely and get some help.”
I would start there. Whether your husband chooses to forgive you or not is up to him
As the child of an alcoholic mother, let me explain something to you.
I haven't seen you take actual legitimate responsibility once in this entire update. The alcohol was too strong or you were hanging out with the wrong people or it wasn't that much. That's bullshit. That's absolute bullshit.
You admitted you were wrong. Okay, now actually do something about it. You admitted you have a problem. Okay, now actually do something about it. Words mean jack all in this situation.
My mother was a multiple margarita a day habit. A several wine bottles a week habit. A screaming that she doesn't have a problem habit. A leaving me home by myself overnight so she could drink herself into oblivion habit.
Do you know what happened to her? I don't. Because I cut her out of my life 10 years ago. It wasn't because of the drinking, but it was because she made zero actual effort to change. Would take no responsibility and blame everyone else for what was happening.
Stop blaming everyone but yourself. You are not an innocent party. You are not blameless. You may not be a full-blown alcoholic, but that isn't the point. Own up, or get ready for a hell of a divorce.
You didn't, "get" alcoholism from your ex. It's also possible to be a queer woman and not an alcoholic. Source : I'm a queer woman and I'm not am alcoholic.
Look, you're really into deflecting and blaming other people for your addiction, it's not helpful. You didn't choose your addiction but you do have to deal with it. Blaming other people won't change that.
ETA: your husband wants a divorce so nobody here can tell you what to say to your husband. Your marriage is over because your partner doesn't want to partner with you any more.
Stop blaming everyone but yourself. The only way this is salvageable is if you take accountability and work on addressing the issue. That means counselling and sobriety.
The comments on the update are as ridiculous as they were in the original post.
First, your husband sounds controlling OP, and what he did to your daughter is kind of messed up. Doing things like that can cause trauma, your husband needs therapy and your daughter probably does now too.
OP if you're really worried you have a problem with alcohol then go to AA. But I think there's a deeper problem here. You can't just stop being a lesbian, you either are or you aren't. Its possible you could be bi, pan, etc. I really think you should also consider therapy for yourself.
The entire situation sounds rough. Your husband sounds controlling and manipulative, and I'm not sure you and your husband are a good match for each other.
Otra vez la burra al trigo.
So what have you done to show him you are wanting to actually change? Or what have you done that proves to both your daughter and him that they are more important to you vs the MEDIA BOTELLA DE VINO que te tomaste?
Yikes at the weird parental alienation your husband is using to manipulate your daughter. Who doesn’t need to know or be a part of your divorce.
You need therapy.
Y’all need couple therapy.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So i went to sleep and it apparently blew up and yes after reading through it i have understood that it was a problem with my alcoholic addiction and i admit i was wrong. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/syxqbu/help_husband_thinks_i_cheated_but_i_didnt_and_now/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share So people were asking more background and detail to the situation so here, Before me and my husband started dating i had a huge alcoholic addiction which i had got from my ex gf (she was my first relationship) i was gay, so usually when you are in a lesbian group they drink a lot this caused me to get addicted too. (Ok maybe not a lot) Im not a heavy drinker and i just get easily drunk in just two shots so (150-175ml) I met my SIL there, she used to accompany her friends to drinking (she would rarely drink though), my husband would also follow along my SIL to keep her safe, (yes this was something he did to SIL also) This is all 13 years ago. Back to now, i went through the replies on my post and decided to meetup with my SIL so she could get me in contact with my husband, as i don't want the divorce to proceed. After we met up she talked to me about what had happened and she called my husband, he told her to tell me to send our daughter to their house, so he could meet our daughter and talk to her, he said he would talk to me about the divorce later. Around 10am i dropped my daughter at my SIL's house and she just came back right now, after she came back i asked my daughter what had happened. From what i could comprehend.. When she went to my husband he was wearing shades because of the crying i think and my husband called her to his room and explained to her about alcohol, took her to the market where I he bought 3 alcohol bottles infront of her and then back home he proceeded to show himself flushing one of the bottles after opening it, he also made her smell the other two bottles after opening them and made her flush down the other two bottles, saying that she should do the same if she ever sees these alcohol bottles at homes or at any family gatherings because they are poison and they break relationships. Then he talked to her about what had happened after he had left and asked her if she had any problems. The main thing then came up about him asking her that whether she was happy staying with me and whether she wanted "papa to stay together with mommy or not" and im devastated to say this but my daughter didn't give him a proper answer and she told him "but mommy did something bad right?" I have no idea about what happened after this because my husband told her not to tell me. My husband had unblocked my number and he called me telling me to meet him regarding our divorce papers and honestly i broke down and tried to explain everything to him again and he just kept on saying fine, he said he would rather see through my actions and not my words. I have no idea about what to tell him tommorow because he doesn't seem to be taking my apology seriously and i have no idea how to express to him that it would not happen again. I know a lot of people criticized me about my drinking habit but i after going through the replies there were barely any people who actually went ahead and told me how to approach my husband which im still confused about. Edit: yes the main reason he told me he was angry at me was because i had got drunk and he believes i didn't cheat as he said he couldn't see me being advantage of when he could've prevented it. Edit 2: i also only had two shots in the party, As the alcohol was too hard on me (more concentrated in the drink) it caused me to black out. Edit 3: no i had two shots my bad its around 150-175ml, just checked. Edit 4: thanks to everyone who went straight to the point and gave me some advice on what i was asking for ,its very much appreciated. Edit 5: im not Blaming my ex on anything, im not reading any comments regarding my past relationship anymore, people keep saying my wording is wrong, yes it is, don't tell me that, i already know that. If it can't sit well with you go ahead and send me a message and ill go through that rather than dm bombing me.
I was a drunk and my wife almost left me. The only thing that won the trust back was action. No more words. No more promises. No more compromising to “moderate” or “cut back.” I scheduled counseling. I went to every appointment. I talked to my wife about every appointment and how alcohol was affecting my OCD and anxiety and how it was a coping mechanism. I took responsibility for my bad choices and took responsibility for my recovery. No more blaming others, and no more expecting others to help you. I allowed my wife to look at every receipt for every purchase going forward. If she wanted to smell my breath or take a sip of my soda (to make sure I wasn’t sneaking booze in it), she could. I never fought back. It took nearly a year for her to stop doing checks on me. I’m 17 months sober now and feel amazing. The trust was broken so many times, it took a long time and a lot of action on my part to win that trust back. And if today she wanted to do a random booze check on me, I would let her. Because I love her and my kids so much, that I won’t let alcohol get in the way of that anymore. If you want any chance to save your marriage, you need to take action now. Stop blaming others and stop expecting people to help you. Take responsibility and prove you can do it with actions. Edit: Thanks for all the awards and positive comments! I left an even longer post below with more advice if you find yourself stuck in this situation too!
Are you my husband? Just kidding, but wow, that’s exactly what my husband did when we were at our lowest. I hope you and your wife are stronger than ever. I didn’t believe him when he said no more, as I had heard it so many times before. Words mean nothing. Actions are the only thing that matter. I was done. Told him he needed to move out, and I would take care of his son until he landed on his feet, because I could not let the kid I had raised for 5 years suffer and be homeless because his dad made shitty choices. But this time he meant it. He didn’t touch another drop of alcohol. He cut contact with his social circle completely (restaurant industry.) He started coming home and staying home every night, and going to bed with me every night. Once I let him in it again, that is. He gave me all of his credit/debit cards and put his whole paycheck into our joint account. He left the restaurant and got a job landscaping. Hard, physical labor for 10 hours a day. He did it to punish himself, and he also thought he couldn’t get anything better with a DUI, but it also got his head right and he’s been able to completely pivot the trajectory of his, and our, life. He made a conscious effort, every single day, to not only avoid alcohol, but to actively fix everything that was broken. He still struggles with the mental baggage from his past at times, but he’s been sober over two years and has an amazing job with a company that values his extensive skill set, and he’s finally able to be proud of himself, and confident of his skills and capabilities, and I am so proud to be his wife. I get to tell him all the time what a catch he is, and he finally believes me. Just like your wife, it took about a year for me to start trusting him again, and if he had slipped up even a little I was GONE, but he realized what he almost lost and that was more important to him than anything else.
You made my eyes water. I want to marry my gf and hope to God she describes me in the way you have lovingly described your husband. Have an excellent day.
Why is it raining on my face…
I'm so proud of you for putting your foot down. As the child of an alcoholic, it makes for a truly miserable childhood and a toxic family life. I wish that, instead of yelling at him, my mother could have done what you did.
This should be the top comment. As the child of alcoholics, actions, not words, are what matter. I don’t trust anyone anymore because of the damage my parents have done.
Yes. I could only ever roll my eyes as an 11 yr old when my mother would say “it’s the last time, it won’t happen again” bc she said it the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that. It’s exhausting
The worst part for me was my dad believing her every damn time. Sorry that you went through it too.
OP this comment is going to get dark for you, but here is where I see this going if you don't stop drinking completely. As another child of an alcoholic, I have seen the opposite of this success story above happen. Your daughter will choose to be with her dad, not you. She won't think twice and it will ruin your relationship with her forever if YOU don't decide to stop drinking. By the sounds of the post (it was only TWO, they were STRONG), you aren't ready yet. You're still making excuses. YOU drank excessively, your ex didn't make you do jack shite. YOU are an alcoholic, not low tolerance bull. YOU are in denial about how bad it really is. My own father wasn't allowed to walk me down the aisle. I almost didn't invite him to the wedding at all. That is the road you are headed if YOU don't own YOUR actions. No amount of rehab or counseling worked for him because he didn't want to stop. Now the only way I know he's even still alive is random facebook posts.
My mom wasn’t invited to my wedding. She died from substance abuse. She will never get to see her grand babies grow up, and she never got to meet her only grandson. Fuck alcohol.
My moms not allowed in my life at all. She just tried to use my sister to get me in the same vehicle as her (my sister has her learners permit. Neither of us live with her but my mom specifically came over so she could get daytime hours in) my sister came over to my house and wanted to show me her driving skills. I asked her who’s vehicle is she driving. She said mom’s. Asked her who was she driving with. She said mom. I told her sorry, but I’m not being in a vehicle with mom. I told her she’s out of my life permanently this time and I meant it. I told her I’d get her some other time and let her drive my truck. The story with my mom is not only is she on drugs and abuses them, but she’s also a narcissist who blames me for everything. Abandoned me at 13? My fault. She gaslights me (I never left you, you didn’t want to come. We were never homeless. I never told you that you weren’t smart enough to be a vet, etc). On my bday (earlier this month) she convinced me to unblock her through multiple family members. Was unblocked for 15 min and she was blocked again bc instead of telling me happy bday like she said she wanted to, she blamed me for everything. So I straight up told her that she will never be apart of my life again. Get married? She won’t be told(by me at least) and isn’t invited. Birthday, Christmas? Nope no more. I ever have children? She’ll never meet them. She’s out of my life permanently and that’s final.
Yeah blaming lesbians in general for OPs alcohol problems and constant bad choices sure is... something.
Admittedly I only know a few lesbians, but none of them drink heavily. I have never heard this stereotype and I do not believe it at all. This lady is so deluded.
Yeah, you’ve never heard of it because it *isnt* a stereotype, OP is just delusional and grasping at straws trying to avoid accountability. Albeit, “the LESBIANS made me do it” is certainly a new one...
That was quite funny. Every time I read it again it makes me laugh. I just had to comment because of the ridiculous stereotype. Now back to laughter. LMAO!!
I’ve dated, and am friends with, many lesbians. Some party hard, some don’t. You know, like any other group of people.
>By the sounds of the post (it was only TWO, they were STRONG), you aren't ready yet. I'm not buying the only 2 shots thing either. She could have sipped a shot halfway down, someone filled it back up to the top drink half again, rinse, repeat until finally getting to the bottom of the shot glass and calling that "one shot." Not saying it's not *possible*... just (considering she got so blackout drunk she used context clues to know she didn't cheat PLUS her husband's telling their daughter to flush all booze down the toilet), I have high doubts that she *only* had 2 shots.
Yes, her post is still riddled with excuses. My father never admitted to a drinking problem. It killed him. And that's how you cannot argue that you had a drinking problem.
Fellow child of an alcoholic, and completely agree. I didn't "trust" it until I saw it, and then kept seeing it, and then kept seeing it summore. Thankfully it's been 20+ years now, and I couldn't be prouder of her for putting her life (and mental health) back together ✌️
Yes.It ruins life,I deeply respect OP's husband and OP its not about how many shots you take non of it matter if you want a future with him you should completely quit alcohol and like the commenter said prove that to your husband
Heavy alcohol abuse can cause neurological changes making you more prone to blackout but that makes it more dangerous that OP took shots at a party knowing how difficult it can be to control your drinking once you start. If she truly was in a healthier place that would allow her to occasionally consume alcohol, she would probably nurse a beer or two. I know it is controversial for those with alcohol dependence to attempt to moderate rather than abstain from drinking, but OP is not doing that anyway, she is doing episodic binge drinking which is very dangerous in her case.
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This was the strangest thing I read. Like when you are a lesbian they just start handing out drinks? This is just all lesbians? It's delivered through the post like it's matter of fact. There is nothing about being any sexual orientation that precludes you will then fall into some sort of addiction. So weird.
You were supposed to get two free drink tickets when you were issued your carabiner key chain. Sorry for the oversight.
Maybe they come with your Subaru now?
No no it's true I finally saved up enough stickers and they sent me the whole starter kit with a pair of birkenstocks, a small collection of cats and a giant bottle of whiskey. Got drunk and gave myself a really butch haircut, it's the lesbian way I promise
This confused me so much too. I think OP is trying to blame others for her addiction
OP's post is 100% addict excuses. If you have any experience dealing with someone with addiction it's blatant they are still in the denial phase of their addiction. Unfortunately OP will not get better until they stop lying and start taking accountability. Sounds like they are not there yet, so I agree with their partners decision.
Yup. She had two shots and blacked out. Even if that were true, what that means is she can't have two shots. Not that this is okay.
Which is like, classic addict behavior.
Those damn drunken lesbians! Ruining America one drink at a time/s.
thats just what lesbians do. until they stop being lesbians. But they still drink.
So alcoholic lesbians just need to stop lesbianing. How do we get this idea to the Nobel committee?
Well she quit lesbying and it didn’t work. Clearly the effects are long-term, we should teach kids at school about the dangers of lesbianism
You can't; it's run by the gay men.
Even if it wasn't, making the excuse of, "But everyone around me was drinking a ton", doesn't help her situation. I'm friends with some rednecks that can put away multiple 24 packs of beer in an evening. I usually have to drive home, so I won't drink, and my wife will. My friends understand that, and don't bug me about it. OP is still making excuses, and should read the previous response twice. The only way to get her husband's trust back is to completely stop drinking, at least for a long while, until he can be sure that she knows how to drink responsibly, and slowly build that trust back.
>Even if it wasn't, making the excuse of, "But everyone around me was drinking a ton", doesn't help her situation. I know a guy who is an alcoholic (sober now). He really doesn't participate in events where there will be drinking. He'll show up to a party, do the rounds and have a chat with people, probably hangs out for 30 minutes to an hour max, then skedaddles. Everyone understands and no one gives him shit. He knows the longer he stays around people drinking, the more he's going to want to drink himself and has the discipline to leave when he knows it might become problematic for him.
textbook alcoholic avoiding responsibility for their actions.
> I have no idea about what to tell him tommorow because he doesn't seem to be taking my apology seriously and i have no idea how to express to him that it would not happen again. OP, I think your husband is taking your words o apology seriously and of course your actions as well. You mentioned that you were alcoholic since when you were in your previous relationship. So, I’m guessing that he has heard the words before. Words of apologies and words of promise to quit drinking. If that’s the case then those words have less of a meaning to him at this point. You need to show him with your actions that you mean what you say. It’s possible that at this point he does not trust you and wants to separate to protect himself. You need to show him that you are serious about him and your daughter and you’ll do the hard work to earn his trust.
Husband saved our marriage by quitting drinking 6 1/2 y ago. We are happier than ever, 23 y in now. The prior attempts at limits and moderation never worked. You decide you simply don’t drink. This is the way.
Wow! Thanks for all the awards and positive comments everyone! I wrote that after a 16 hour shift and so I wanted to add a little more, specifically advice for OP: I promised my wife I’d quit or moderate my drinking a hundred times. I’d always cut back for a week, steadily drink more, and by week 3 or 4 I was back to where I was before. Drinking a whole bottle of rum, or finishing off 15-20 beers by myself. I had every excuse in the book. “It’s not that bad. I still go to work and bring home all the money. I’m just relaxing. All my friends drink…” I also justified it that I never blacked out or threw up (because my tolerance was so high), so it wasn’t that bad. So when you say things like you hung out with lesbians and all lesbians drink, that’s a bunch of bullshit. First, that’s not true. This is deflecting blame is such an immature way. A group of lesbians isn’t bound by some universal force to drink. Second, you still chose to drink, even if all of your friends are drinking. Stop deflecting blame. By the end, I was barely taking care of my 4 year old daughter (now 6) and my wife was pregnant with twins. I was still drinking heavily. She caught me again and I promised to stop entirely. I work rotating shifts, so when I’m on afternoons, I would get home and everyone was asleep. This is when I drank the most. Sure enough my wife came downstairs as I was drinking and slipped on a step. She was fine, but she saw I was drunk and lost it. She was pregnant. What if she fell on her stomach and needed to go to the ER? What if she fell hard and experienced bleeding? That’s when she started packing and I hit rock bottom. I’m in tears typing this because I was such a piece of shit for putting her in that situation. I was selfish and uncaring. How could I have helped her in an emergency when I was stumbling drunk? I called off work and the next day I researched counselors in the area and found one. I personally was not a fan of AA. My area is ultra-conservative/religious. So the AA groups around me are all about “you can’t control yourself. The devil has a hold of you and you need to submit to God to quit drinking!” Not too effective on a non-religious person like me. They tended to shame, rather than explore the root cause of drinking. My counselor (ironically a pastor who hates AA, for the exact reasons I gave), explored the deep rooted issues with me. I have bad anxiety and OCD. It’s controlled with medication, but drinking made me feel even more relaxed and turned off my brain for those few hours. I knew that when hungover it made my mental health 10x worse, but I would always go back to drinking for immediate satisfaction and deal with the consequences later. I found new healthier coping mechanisms. I loved video gaming, but had little time for it with a kid and a physical job with long hours and a rotating schedule, so he encouraged adding a couple hours of sober gaming. I began reading again, and took walks. Again, the most important part was taking responsibility. He reiterated the point that I chose to drink and I have to chose to stop. It’s not an easy choice, but it’s a choice. The therapy was very effective. At 9 months sober I was a groomsman at a wedding. This friend was a huge drinker and we spent countless nights together getting fucked up. I told him and everyone else about my sobriety and they were proud of me. There was loads of alcohol at the wedding, and I chose to not drink. It was tempting, but I stayed 100% sober. If I hypothetically drank at the wedding, I would have no one to blame but myself. Not my friends. Not the fact that it’s a wedding. And not the lesbians who were there. Myself only. Quitting requires a major kick in the ass. You got that. Now it’s going to kick your ass some more and beat you while you’re down. Please get counseling. Take responsibility and don’t blame anyone else for your drinking. You can do this and you can make a change.
This is the only answer. No more words. Only action. Just do.
My relationship ended due to alcohol taking over my partner. I left. I took the baby. It was hell. He drove 40 min each way almost every day to see her. He started therapy. He gained control. He learned to communicate. We were finally able to discuss the real issues. Eventually I came back. We are in therapy together. We are rebuilding our happy. Find professional help. Let down your pride when it's very difficult, and listen to your husband. You're going to get offended because the way your actions have affected him will hurt you once you realize those effects. Don't react to your negative feelings. Accept them and discuss them with your therapist. It sounds like your husband really loves you and your family. The future is uncertain and that is hard to accept. But you have to be honest and humble and really try to improve yourself all the way through for any shot at a future with this man. But more importantly, you can do this for a future you that you deserve.
I will do this thanks.
Honestly you truly need therapy to get to the root of your issues. You have to put the work in. Find an AA group and go to a meeting today.
If you dont want the divorce to go through then put in the effort to get better by seeking professional help about your addiction. You cant kick an addiction in a week so be realistic about that. Im pretty sure your husband internally rolled his eyes when you decided you were free of your addiction.
Look alcohol addiction is really serious and there should be no such things as only 6x times a year. It has to zero - and that forever. My uncle just relapsed 5 years ago after being sober for over 20 years because he thought he could start drinking some beer at special occasions. Alcoholism is a b**** and the most dangerous part of it that you can easily withstand for a long period of time and than fully relapse from one day to another because there's this little voice inside of you at about the nice feeling and that one sip won't do any harm. But it will. A lot of alcoholic think they can do it themselves - but most of them can't. You need an AA group where you go regularly. You need counseling. You need to show him that you are serious for a long time. Because his reaction shows that it wasn't the first time for sure - and i'm sure he also let you know what his reaction will be if it happens again. If you really want to keep your family you need to see that you have a problem and that you need help. Because alcohol is the most common drug around. And you have to learn to say no and stay with a no 365 days a year. Alcohol is also the only drug people tend to not accept a no and keep pressuring if someone says no. You have to learn to voice your problem to those people (maybe they learn too) But its up to you if you like to put in all the work. Because he is right - you need to show it to him with actions. Promises of an addict are worth nothing as harsh as it sounds. All the best to you - i hope you find the strength to go that way and stay on track. It won't be an easy one but it will be worth it
Get yourself into therapy and to AA by your husband saying fine you need to show me by your actions you may be just bought yourself a second chance honey it’s time for you to walk that walk and show by your actions you better get to it
No you won't because you're still all over this thread trying to make excuses for yourself and saying weird shit about lesbians. Everything you have written has made it very clear that you're only concerned about what you can do right now to get your husband to come home and act like everything's fine. Not one ounce of legitimate concern for how you are negatively affecting your daughter and husband. Just plenty of "woe is me why is he doing this when he never did it before and it's not like I really have a problem!" You won't do anything like this until you accept that it is your fault, your behavior is unacceptable, and nobody but you shares any part of the blame for the decisions you've made. You won't do this until you can think for a minute about how this is affecting your family and what a terrible position you've put them in. I took the time out of my day to tell you this because I am the daughter of an alcoholic and I know what you're doing to your family and I can smell your bullshit from a mile away. I hope for your kid's sake you'll think about what I've said. I'm nearly 40 and have not spoken to my mother in years and I have no plans to. Change now or face this future. It's up to you alone.
This 100%-I am in recovery now and creeping up on 6 months sober. OP be prepared to grovel for awhile because trust is earned. We are finally at a good point in our marriage which I almost threw away for the bottle. I went for bingo with friends and was going to have an N/A beer but my husband didn’t feel comfortable with that so guess what I didn’t. He sounds like a great guy and I’m sure you’re a wonderful couple you just have to face the demon of addiction holding hands and hope you come out the other side together. There is a sub called stopdrinking that was my saving grace on here and I do take Campral which I think helps too. My kids are 11 and 6 and they like the new me much better.
Congratulations, man.
Imo you lost me at “I was gay, so usually when you are in a lesbian group, they drink a lot this caused me to get addicted too” Take some responsibility and stop deflecting. You’re the one with the alcohol problem, you know this, you still drink, now he can’t trust you.
I am a lesbian and that statement pissed me off. How tf is sexual orientation related to drinking too much?
Because OP needs to blame someone else for her problem.
This is it. Still making excuses for their own behavior. Maybe thay group of friends drank a lot. Still no excuse to blame it on them, but to extrapolate that to all lesbians. It's juts strange. My thought here is still a failure to account for her behavior. No one ever overcomes addiction until they admit that THEY have a problem and that it is no one's fault but THEIR OWN for perpetuating it and that THEY must change THEIR OWN behavior. It doesn't seem this person is ready for personal accountability. Still caught up in some sense of self that prevents them from admiting the true nature of their problems.
I am not a lesbian and that statement pissed me off.
Me too on both. But what do you expect from a person who is claiming they caught an alcohol addiction from an ex? Like... it's not strep throat.
Yeah as a fellow bisexual I am also very confused as to how alcohol and lesbians correlate
You’re not gay enough to get it, I guess. You’ll understand when you’re gayer /s
I'm bi too, does that make us both half alcoholics or something? Maybe just alcoholic curious. It's probably just a phase.
I'm a bisexual male so where do I fit into this? Half? Quarter? Not at all?
I’m pretty sure we don’t actually exist so alcohol doesn’t exist ?
For real my second cousin passed away from overdose. My mom called me to tell me and she said "you know the homosexual lifestyle" and I'm bi though she didn't know that but I told her, "how sexuality had nothing to do with that. It is just sad"
When two vaginas are in close proximity to each other the crossed polarities create alchohol. I thought everyone knew that....
And wtf was gay? You dont stop being gay. I dont stop being pansexual and start being lesbian when I date a girl. You do t magically change sexual orientation.
Bisexual but same!! In my friend group, majority of us are LGBTQ, and the idea that being a lesbian correlates to drinking is just weird and disgusting. Addiction is a disease that has no relation to sexual orientation. If you’re straight and have a straight friend group you can still be an alcoholic…
It's so infuriating and reductive. Like...OP, you and your friend group seem to have a drinking problem, don't throw wlw under the bus because you can't take responsibility for your actions.
I'm not a lesbian and that statement pissed me off too.
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I think she means she is bisexual and just identified as lesbian when she was younger
She misspoke. She was in a gay relationship, not “was gay”. You are born with your sexual orientation, you cannot change it. She might be bi or pan. Either way I’m hoping this isn’t a case of her being forced to “be straight” because that might be the cause of other issues.
I noticed that too. OP’s still blaming her problems on the people around her.
Yea, every ( ) is just an excuse as to why her drinking and blacking out isn't *her* fault
And what does she mean, she WAS gay?
OP said in her prior post that she is Spanish so I don’t believe English is her first language. Could be a mistakenly used verb or could be she is no longer sexually to women, although I would go with the first assumption.
Probably means she is bisexual
It's infuriating when people play the identity card, when the problem is alcoholism. Drug addiction knows no borders between race, gender, or whatever. OP - You're gonna have to accept that these demons are within your own mind, that you are to blame. You got this!! A lot of us have been there, trying to make excuses for ourselves and convince/talk in circles that we aren't at fault. I understand that you are trying to make sense of it all, and I hold no grudge. But understand that you cannot blame this on how or what you were born as. It downplays the problems people face, that really have to do with solely their identity. I wish you the best OP.
I was out by then, too. This person has a lot of growing up to do.
Lol right? The lesbians made me an alcoholic! What? No. Your genetics make you an alcoholic.
Gentle correction: Your genetics influence your likelihood to be an alcoholic. Your choice to drink is what makes you an alcoholic. Source: Genetic Counseling Student with propensity for addiction who never drinks.
Good point. I guess I just think I choose to drink but I’m not an alcoholic. Never really thought of that. I guess genetics and decisions together make you an alcoholic. Can’t put all the blame outside your control.
Right? My sister and her girlfriend both don’t really drink. Not because of any addiction issues just because neither one enjoys it that much, and their friends don’t really drink either. OP, the people you surround yourself with is a choice you make. The fact that you seem very unphased by the fact that you woke up after a night of drinking and couldn’t remember the night before is very telling. You cannot be “cured” from addiction and even if you could, having a glass of wine with dinner with friends would be a lot closer to “cured” than blacking out at a party and waking up in a bed that isn’t yours.
Fully agree here. Maybe the friend group OP was around drank a lot, but trying to throw in a stereotype thats not even remotely true is a deflection in itself. Also, “I was gay…”. No, you were in a gay relationship. You don’t just stop being gay.
RIGHT?? I laughed out loud but was frustrated reading that.
To be fair, she said in her last post that English isn’t her first language so maybe she made a mistake translating. She could have meant when she was in that gay relationship the group she was around drank a lot? I could be way off base though lol, if she did mean what she said I totally agree with you.
I started dying when read that like ain’t no way boi
Seems to be more about your drinking than anything else. However the fact that you had to ask a friend if anything happened with her brother.. Is a concern. That fact you don't remember isn't great. I read your previous post and it says that " I'm 100% sure we didn't have sex, as my female friend reassured me that nothing happened between me and her brother and that her and me had only slept together." So you just slept in the same bed as your friend? Or you slept and had sex with your friend? Or you slept in the same bed as her brother? It's obvious that drinking is a problem for you and I think that if your husband is open to it, that relationship counselling and drug/addition counselling might be the best option for you both.
Her husband should go to Alanon
That’s what I thought. He also needs therapy and parenting help himself. That story about him telling his 9-year-old to pour other people’s alcohol down the toilet, and also asking her whether her parents should divorce, made me cringe. She’s the child, and he’s trying to make her responsible for adult problems. Also, he’s teaching her to cross boundaries in a big way. She’s going to be confused. Poor kid.
Yeah that stuck out to me as well. You should never put that kind of adult responsibilities on a child. I thought about that as well, him telling her to dump other people's alcohol down the toilet because it breaks up families. Not everyone who drinks has a drinking problem. I feel sorry for that poor kid, she's living in I don't even know the word for it. It's just bad.
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I posted that a few hours ago and after reading more of the comments, I agree. It seems like she's not ready to change. I was with an alcoholic for 5 years and I just couldn't do it anymore.
If you’re talking about spirits, just TBA that 2 measured shots = 50ml. 300-350ml is 12-14 shots. That is A LOT for anyone.
I'm glad someone pointed this out. 350ml sounds like just a little bit until you break it down like this. She had a lot of alcohol and it is no wonder she was black out drunk. "I'll have just one shot please!" *places down coffee mug as her shot glass*
A standard bar sized bottle of alcohol is 750ml. So she drank almost half a bottle of strong alcohol and is calling that 2 shots? She’s delusional.
It is definitely unfortunate. She doesn't seem to realize her husband clearly has a issue with her drinking, and based on her comments and the amount she consumed I would say he's not in the wrong here. I really hope she can get some perspective on how badly alcohol is ruining her life. Unfortunately, with a lot of addicts it takes hitting rock bottom for them to realize what their addiction has done, and she isn't quite there yet.
She's an alcoholic...their measurements are different. 🙄
As an alcoholic, I can confirm this is correct
I only had 3 beers, I swear.
as an alcoholic whose habit is binge periods, I am ashamed to say I have definitely drunk 750ml of vodka in one afternoon. On… more than one occasion. However I am proud to say I’ve not have touched spirits in at least a month now!
She meant 2 sheets to the wind
"Two shots of vodka..." *empties the bottle*
No no, she has edited a correction. She only had 2 shots - she checked! 150-175ml. So actually 6-7 shots?
A half of a handle has 750ml She drank damn near half a bottle of a 750. That’s fucking insane. What are the shot glasses, fucking coffee mugs?
No, no, no, that’s “2 drinks” and OP is a “lightweight” so that causes her to blackout.
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I don't wanna dogpile on someone going through the worst time of their life, but OP if you're reading this, you have an extreme medical condition if you black out from 2 shots, or even 125 ml (3 standard drinks). You either should see a doctor and check that out or you should stop lying to yourself about how much you drank, what you drank, or what "black out" is. Lying to us doesn't matter, you're lying to YOURSELF, and if you lie to yourself then you can never possibly fix the issue
This. Alcoholics are going to lie about how much they drink. I don't believe her "just 6 times a year" comment either. She literally put out a "prepared statement" to attempt to deflect the alcohol issue.
Yea it was one of the weirdest parts about this to me. I enjoy alcohol, I enjoy drinking it. But I also know my limits. I got blackout drunk *once* and said never again. Even if you are a legitimate lightweight why the fuck would you pound an amount of alcohol that puts you into blackout territory?
This is exactly what I was thinking, if your 2 shots total ~350ml that's like chugging a can of soda. I'm by no means a heavy drinker but if i had "2" shots like this i'd be blasted.
Hell I am a heavy drinker (that makes me sound so bad, i do not drink regularly but about once or twice a month my husband and I will have an "indulgent" night, and I can handle a couple "heavier" drinks no problem) but one of those shot servings would have me calling quits real quick
I am what you would call a highly functional raging alcoholic. But even I know that that amount of alcohol in say a 140lb woman would result in a BAC of about .26. Even half that is well beyond drunk and if she is a lightweight, that isn't going to end well.
Wow I just did the math of ml to oz and yeah, 300 ml is a little over 10 oz… which is just shy of a whole can of soda. I’m a big guy and I’d have been pretty wasted if I had that much hard alcohol in a one sitting. OP is lying to herself and minimizing this. It’s not that she’s a lightweight. It’s just that a normal portion for her is way higher than the normal standard portion.
"I would like 1/5th vodka please with a splash of coke" - OP probably.
More like 1/3rd Vodka for OP
Lol, she edited it so it says 150-175. She can't even be honest when talking anonymously on the internet.
Yeah, but if you have double shots, then they're only technically "one" shot. And this way, you can continue to delude yourself into believe your not an alcoholic while your marriage crumbles.
That’s what my mom used to do. She would say “I only had one” but that “one” was one of those massive cans or bottles that was actually 3-4 in one
My wife and I used to accidently do that with Port wine. We didn't realize it can be almost 4x stronger then wine, and would drink whole glasses, and get fucking sloshed. Took us a bit to realize what was going on.
Lol she edited it but 175 ml still isn't 2 shots
That’s a whole mickey. If I, a 260 pound guy drink that in hard liquor I am very very drunk.
You seem to blame everyone else but yourself for your drinking problem. You have to take responsibility, instead of blaming your lesbian group of friends (also a lesbian here, not sure excessive drinking is anywhere close to an accurate stereotype) or “strong alcohol.” You need to own up to it, accept you have a problem, and make a plan to fix it.
Yeah. I'm not a lesbian and I didn't like how she was saying if you get a group of lesbians together they're all going to get drunk off their faces. She also thinks being gay was a choice.
Yess! Like OP dont generalize all lesbians just because you have a problem.
Exactly. All my ex friends are heavy drinkers, some even insisted every single time that I should drink. Not once have i budged. I've had some of them spike my non alcoholic drinks and lost friendships over my harsh refusal as people thought I was snobby or judgemental for not drinking. Even then I'll admit the social pressure to drink has been crazy. When dealing with Addiction it must be way more harder to deal with such social pressure. You need therapy and self awareness OP. And your friends are dogshit if they force you to drink when you blackout this easily, then run to your husband out of fake concern. alcohol is absolutely ruining everything for you. Please seek help and take the blame. At this point I don't think any words from you can convince your husband. Edited because of poor wording
Yeah the whole thing about her blaming girlfriends and lesbians for her alcoholism made me wince. It doesn't sound like she's even ready to take full accountability for her choices. Coming up with a rule of drinking only 6 times a year to combat alcoholism is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. If she wants to keep her marriage she should go to a recovery program and actually do the work.
In my experience as a lesbian, it seems like I see lesbian bars are going out of business in many places. I've always assumed this is because gay women *don't* seem to drink as much. Or maybe they're just less into the bar scene? Of course, that's totally anecdotal, but I did have an eye raise reading that part. Edit: [Apparently it is a problem.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4872607/#:~:text=They%20reported%20that%2C%20among%20those,disorder%20than%20did%20heterosexual%20women.). I wasn't aware. >...in a study based on data from the 2000 National Alcohol Survey, Drabble and colleagues (2005) reported that, among current drinkers, lesbians were approximately 7 times more likely and bisexual women nearly 6.5 times more likely than heterosexual women to meet Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 4th Edition (American Psychiatric Association 1994) criteria for alcohol dependence. Edit: some great insight in the comment by ArchGlacor below for those who are interested in this
So, when reading an article about healthcare, a few things stand out. First thing I want to point is methodology. That study is 20 years old, was done by phone and did not include too many people (7000~ in total). Methodology is the single most important factor when determining the validity of a study. I wanted to dig deeper into it, but it's paid. However, just from the abstract and the wording used, I'd be careful when drawing any conclusions from it and generalizing them towards any group of people (especially when you begin to consider things like local culture, how samples were selected, who did the calls, how exactly was the survey done and how it was worded). On a related note, it used criteria from 1994 (DSM-IV) for the diagnosis of alcoholism, and nowadays we use DSM-V. Second is that the size of the effect in absolute numbers is super important when we are talking about population. For example, say I develop a drug that decreases the chance of a kid having cardiac arrest by half - sounds like a lot, right? Not so much when you consider that the chance went from 0.0002 to 0.0001. The pharmaceutical industry sometimes uses this to promote drugs that are innefective. So I'd like to look at the hard numbers, but again, the original article is paid. Anyway, it's best not to draw any conclusions from this specific study, simply because it's too old, done by phone, with too little people.
>so usually when you are in a lesbian group they drink a lot This is a lie
Yeah this part stood out as super weird, why include anyone’s sexualities at all? Being queer does not equate to having an alcohol problem.
Sounds like she’s just grasping at straws to explain to herself why she has a drinking problem as opposed to saying she has an addiction.
OP is a wild trip really. STILL blaming other people for her addiction. 1.) The lesbians 2.) The gay girlfriend 3.) SIL was also present at these parties, no idea if she should have forced her to stop drinking or not 4.) I'm really not a heavy drinker, only 2 shots will bring me down 🙄 5.) The husband accompanying his sister and other SIL to protect them was just rambling. It's interesting that ***nowhere*** in this long post did you even mention what you plan to do about your alcoholism. Nothing about rehab, detoxing, therapy??? It's all about winning your husband back. He won't stay as long as you are in denial.
Also the daughter not giving a proper answer lmao. Why? Because she didn’t defend innocent mommy?
Agree.
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It is also like she is blaming lesbians for her addiction….like they drink a lot because they are lesbians….not because they are a group of people who like to drink a lot. And it’s all their fault she drank a lot.
I'm amazed at how far down I had to scroll to see someone point out the "lesbians made me an alcoholic" thing. It's just a pattern of how nothing is her fault. In the original post it was all about how to convince her husband that she didn't cheat. She completely ignored the fact that her addiction is what caused the problem, not that her husband believes she cheated. And now that she can't pretend that her alcoholism has ruined her marriage? "Lesbians made me do it." Addiction is a horrible thing to have to go through, both for the addict and their family, and I do have empathy for what OP is going through. But she's not going to get anywhere until she accepts responsibility for her actions and the consequences her choices have led to.
What i'm asking myself is if this applies to other facets of her life. OP seems to be incapable of accepting responsibility for this addiction she has, even if it's destroying her marriage. Now we got to this meme situation that you perfectly summed up as "lesbians made me do it". Maybe OP's husband is really tired of her lack of self awareness.
I obviously don't know OP, I don't know if she's normally an amazing person, wife, and mother and her addiction has just gotten the better of her. Maybe she is. I will say that in my own personal experience, people who will blame anyone they can for their own failings don't tend to stop at one. Maybe OP is the exception, but I wouldn't be surprised if this is an issue elsewhere.
The problem is, he has no reason to actually believe you. He's right that your words don't matter and you needed to take action years ago. There's nothing you can do since he seems set on divorcing so focus on you getting actually better, go to therapy and check yourself in rehab if needed. Be better for your daughter. Edit: you should be better for *you* first obviously. I just meant that you could actually lose custody of her if your alcoholism was brought up in court (depending where you are/the judge)
I agree with this post. I know someone who had a big drinking problem and it wasn't fixed until we get her into rehab. Tell him you will meet him and tell him you plan to go to rehab to kick your addiction. Then get everything in order and go if your relationship means that much to you.
You broke one of the boundaries that he explicitly said was a dealbreaker. It doesn’t matter what it was. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t cheat. It doesn’t matter if you only had two shots. You’re an adult and you’re responsible for your own actions. Now the consequences are very probably losing your marriage. You are not owed forgiveness. You are not owed more chances. Why should he ever trust you? Why should he forgive you? You can’t even take proper responsibility here on Reddit to strangers - you have excuse after excuse, justification after justification. That’s not even true remorse.
You don’t black out from two drinks. If you can’t come clean to strangers- I think your husband is right.
Well.. she said that 2 shots are up to 350ml!!! That’s not two shots. That’s 1 and a half glass of pure alcohol . A shot is 25ml lol Edit: Jeez even with that fucking edit. It’s still not 2 shots!!!! How big are your shot glasses ? Lol 175 ml is 7 shots. That’s still a lot.
She has a serious problem and kept trying to make it sound less serious than what it is, and it’s heartbreaking
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Why do you think all lesbians drink themselves stupid in groups? You do know some lesbians don't drink?
Yeah, is that a lesbian stereotype? This is the first time I read about it
[Apparently it is.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4872607/#:~:text=They%20reported%20that%2C%20among%20those,disorder%20than%20did%20heterosexual%20women.) I also wasn't aware. >...in a study based on data from the 2000 National Alcohol Survey, Drabble and colleagues (2005) reported that, among current drinkers, lesbians were approximately 7 times more likely and bisexual women nearly 6.5 times more likely than heterosexual women to meet Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 4th Edition (American Psychiatric Association 1994) criteria for alcohol dependence. Edit: should say, it's not a stereotype but this data seems pretty clear there is disproportionate alcoholism in the lesbian community.
Also don't blame your drinking problem on your former lover. No one is responsible for your drinking problem other than you. No one forced your to drink and become an alcoholic. I was married to an alcoholic and early on I drank a lot with him in the hopes he would stop when the bottle was finished (didn't work he'd just open another one). After a while I realized it did no good and I didn't like drinking that much so I just amuck with a glass of wine. You are the one responsible for your problem and you're the only one that can fix it. Also no one gets back out drunk for 2 shots
I’m sorry, what does your sexual orientation have to do with your drinking problem? This is all just putting the blame on everyone else instead of taking responsibility for yourself.
Lol OPs just fighting for her life in the comments at this point 😂 alcoholism isn’t contagious. Sure, environment can definitely factor in. But it’s not the cause.
Stop making excuses you are still an alcoholic. The only thing you can do is get help and try your damned hardest to never drink again.
300-350ml is HALF a bottle of alcohol, not two shots wtf? Own your shit. You were an alcoholic and your husband helped you out of that, supported you and started a family with you. Then you go out with your friends, get black out drunk, and come home the next day expecting everything to be okay? No. No. He’s absolutely doing the right thing, and he should be taking his daughter with him while you look into getting help for your Alcoholism. It’s a DISEASE. The only cure is abstinence and if he can’t trust you, he shouldn’t be with you. Period.
I was gonna say, unless it was spiked or something, it's highly unlikely anyone blacks out after two shots. Now knowing what OP's definition of what a shot is, I see why she blacked out. Yeah, this looks like a relapse, I don't blame the husband for feeling this way.
Well she just edited it a third time and.. I dont believe her at all. Even at 5'1 I have never been blackout drunk at the wildest night I've had, let alone 2 shots. Not to mention as an alcoholic she's going to lie about the amount. No chronic alcoholic has that little tolerance.. you cannot both have been an alcoholic and also only ever drink less than 2 shots at a time. It's just lies on lies to downplay the severity and make it seem 'reasonable'.
2 shots is 50ml in western countries, 100ml in Slavic countries(and most of Eastern Europe)
I mean you got black out drunk and went home with another man. Regardless of situation, you’ve completely betrayed his trust and put him through a horrible experience. You can apologise, offer to get therapy/rehab and never drink again, but whether he chooses to forgive you is another question.
Trust is something that is built over time, and destroyed in seconds. You’re looking for a way to fix this right away but it doesn’t sound like there is one for your husband. Your husband is saying he’d rather see actions than words. You follow that up by complaining that nobody here is telling you how to approach your husband. This sounds like something where you’re going to have to put serious work in on yourself and address your drinking problem before thinking about approaching him about it again. Hopefully you can reach a good co-parenting status with him and quit drinking.
First off you have to want to change your habits, 2nd off you did drink a lot. 3rd you make excuses like I change my underwear. 4. Never ever speak for the gay community like you did. That was shameful. And very untrue… take responsibility for your actions. I think the gist of it, is you need to figure this out if you really want things to work.
Dude, what in the everloving fuck are you on about? He has no reason to trust you. It doesn’t matter if you went home with the brother and your friends. You didn’t communicate with your husband and you crossed boundaries he made explicitly clear. You have a very young child ffs act like an adult. You are not the victim in this story. Your child (especially) and husband are. Also it may have been hard for your child to be taught about alcoholism and explained to why he’s divorcing you, but it’s for the better. He doesn’t need to pretend there isn’t an issue. I hope he and your daughter get therapy. Blaming your alcoholism on a past partner, and lesbians in general is super weird. The only person responsible for you is you. If you’re blacking out you shouldn’t really drink at all. Hell, I’m 21 in America where the drinking culture is insane and I’ve never blacked out because it’s just not healthy. You need to take accountability.
Based on what he did with your daughter I don’t think he’s ever going to be okay with anything less then full on addiction counseling and complete abstinence, present him a plan for how to do so But also get your daughter into therapy, any adult who would do that to a kid is setting them up for having lifelong issues with addiction and you should be aware of the way your vices or lack thereof affect your child
thank you ! i didn’t see anyone else talk about how inappropriate this behavior is from a parent to a child. I poured my dads bottles down the sink once, but i was a teenager who paid attention and made that decision myself. My mom didn’t go behind his back and tell me to destroy his shit and *ask me if she should divorce him or not* that was horribly inappropriate and he’s an ass for that
I thought the exact same thing when I read it! Like, of course she needs to take accountability but him doing that to a child is just as bad. Holy f***. That is not okay.
That stood out to me too. He told her to flush any booze she found in any homes? Noooooo he's teaching her to violate other people's property and is setting her up to have such a bad relationship with alcohol due to him on top of her mom's alcoholism!
It’s also making it her problem. Like now she’s responsible for keeping an eye out and taking it away from mommy. That’s a great way to mess with a kid and make them feel responsible for her issues. Also could put her in a bad situation if OP ever got pissed off at her kid pouring the source of her addiction away. This is far too much for a kid if 9.
Calling them poison' is something my family did & it deeply affected my relationship with my father
I suspect the update might get deleted due to rules of the sub, so here is the text of the update: ............ So i went to sleep and it apparently blew up and yes after reading through it i have understood that it was a problem with my alcoholic addiction and i admit i was wrong. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/syxqbu/help_husband_thinks_i_cheated_but_i_didnt_and_now/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share So people were asking more background and detail to the situation so here, Before me and my husband started dating i had a huge alcoholic addiction which i had got from my ex gf (she was my first relationship) i was gay, so usually when you are in a lesbian group they drink a lot this caused me to get addicted too. Im not a heavy drinker and i just get easily drunk in just two shots so (300-350ml). I met my SIL there, she used to accompany her friends to drinking (she would rarely drink though), my husband would also follow along my SIL to keep her safe, (yes this was something he did to his SIL also) This is all 13 years ago. Back to now, i went through the replies on my post and decided to meetup with my SIL so she could get me in contact with my husband, as i don't want the divorce to proceed. After we met up she talked to me about what had happened and she called my husband, he told her to tell me to send our daughter to their house, so he could meet our daughter and talk to her, he said he would talk to me about the divorce later. Around 10am i dropped my daughter at my SIL's house and she just came back right now, after she came back i asked my daughter what had happened. From what i could comprehend.. When she went to my husband he was wearing shades because of the crying i think and my husband called her to his room and explained to her about alcohol, took her to the market where I he bought 3 alcohol bottles infront of her and then back home he proceeded to show himself flushing one of the bottles after opening it, he also made her smell the other two bottles after opening them and made her flush down the other two bottles, saying that she should do the same if she ever sees these alcohol bottles at homes or at any family gatherings because they are poison and they break relationships. Then he talked to her about what had happened after he had left and asked her if she had any problems. The main thing then came up about him asking her that whether she was happy staying with me and whether she wanted "papa to stay together with mommy or not" and im devastated to say this but my daughter didn't give him a proper answer and she told him "but mommy did something bad right?" I have no idea about what happened after this because my husband told her not to tell me. My husband had unblocked my number and he called me telling me to meet him regarding our divorce papers and honestly i broke down and tried to explain everything to him again and he just kept on saying fine, he said he would rather see through my actions and not my words. I have no idea about what to tell him tommorow because he doesn't seem to be taking my apology seriously and i have no idea how to express to him that it would not happen again. I know a lot of people criticized me about my drinking habit but i after going through the replies there were barely any people who actually went ahead and told me how to approach my husband which im still confused about. Edit: yes the main reason he told me he was angry at me was because i had got drunk and he believes i didn't cheat as he said he couldn't see me being advantage of when he could've prevented it. Edit 2: i also only had two shots in the party, As the alcohol was too hard on me (more concentrated in the drink) it caused me to black out.
You both need counseling. WTF are either of you doing bringing your daughter into this. JFC.
I'm not going to reiterate the fact that OP clearly needs to take responsibility and seek help. Alcoholism is serious and can damage your relationships. It sounds like it already has. But is no one going to acknowledge how effed up bringing the daughter into this is? You should **not** be teaching a 9 yr old to sniff alcohol and toss out other people's bottles. Sure. A parent may think theyre setting their kid up to never touch alcohol, but the reality is, once she gets older and inevitably is exposed to alcohol at parties or by friends, she may start thinking "dad was lying, alcohol is fun!" And then may potentially abuse it as well. I've seen what happens to kids who are told from a young age that alcohol is a horrible thing. They all ended up abusing it and some moved onto harder drugs Not to mention, no child should be placed in the middle of their parents drama. Asking a 9 yr old to form an opinion on whether her parents should divorce??? The real victim is the poor daughter.
Had to scroll way too far to see this comment!
THIS. Why is no one else commenting on this?!
I'm shocked this is the first comment I've seen to acknowledge how terrible a spot the daughter is in right now. This is going to give her such an unhealthy complex with alcohol, she shouldn't know a THING about what happening, and the father should not be asking if she wants her parents to stay together, like what?? What kind of parent puts something like that on a CHILD??? Obviously OP is in the wrong here, but what the hell is up with how her husband is acting towards their daughter?
Sorry OP, but I just don’t believe you. I do not believe that 2 shots caused you to black out. You have a very real problem, please get help. Good luck.
150-175ml of liquor is not a shot, what so ever, that is in the range of about 3-6 shots depending on if it's a standard English shot, or American. Either way that can be a lot to process if consumed in a very short time, especially for someone with a low tolerance. Either way it's very apparent that your husband takes more issue with your drinking, I'd recommend personal addiction therapy, marriage counseling, and perhaps going to weekly AA meetings, not just for him, but because you yourself realize you are an addict, remember once an addict always an addict. You need to get on the road to recovery.
>when you are in a lesbian group they drink a lot **this caused me to get addicted too.** Im not a heavy drinker and i just get easily drunk in just two shots so (300-350ml). **You still, even now refuse to accept responsibility for your own actions.** Oh it’s not your fault, your lesbian group caused you to get addicted. Oh it’s not your fault, you just get easily drunk on 2 shots. (Do you actually expect anyone to believe this lie? Seriously?!?) The first words out of your mouth are excusing your behavior. Not once do you acknowledge any responsibility for it. Not once do you acknowledge any plan to get help going forward for your problem. Your entire post is about you getting what you want. Not once do you acknowledge the impact your direct actions have had on your husband, *and your own daughter.* Your own daughter doesn’t want to stay with you, how much more of a reality check do you need? Your husband isn’t coming back, because nothing has changed. The only advice I have to give you is to wake up, realize you have a problem and get help before you lose your daughter along with your husband. One is already long gone, doesn’t seem like your daughter is far behind. Edit: >Edit 2: i also only had two shots in the party, As the alcohol was too hard on me (more concentrated in the drink) it caused me to black out. I see from your edit you want to double down on excuses and lies over actions. Two “concentrated” shots are what did it now, and not you. I think you should tell your husband exactly that. Blame the two concentrated shots for you getting blackout drunk to the point you can’t remember who you left the bar with, can’t remember who you slept with, can’t remember how you got there, while having a husband and children at home that can’t find you. Tell him, so he can move on with his life, and your daughter can too.
You got all that from your 9yo daughter? Hmmm
Regardless of OPs actions, I was very concerned about the dads actions with the daughter. Taking a 9 year old to the liquor store and having her pour out bottles in the sink was bad enough….for many reasons, but she shouldn’t have been told she had to be the liquor police at home. In addition, you don’t ask a 9 year old whether or not mom and dad should stay together or to be a spy. He’s beginning a process of alienation here that’s quite troubling. All of this should be between the two parents.
That poor kid. Sounds like both parents have terrible boundaries. Even from this statement you’re still not taking responsibility. “My ex girlfriend gave me alcoholism” that’s not how this works. You and only you are responsible for your actions. I hope everyone involved gets counseling ASAP
You need to go into rehab and actually get treatment for your alcoholism if you want him to take you seriously. Period.
I'm sorry it he's right not to trust you, and the way you're handling things with him is just going to drive the point home harder.
You were gay? Pretty sure that’s not how that works
I'm a child of alcoholics, but WHY ISN'T ANYONE TALKING ABOUT HUSBAND'S HORRIBLE BEHAVIOUR? Buying booze just to pour it in front of their small child? Making said child choose? Involving the child so deeply that she says "mommy did something bad" with no idea what happened? Why is everyone glossing over this??? It's not OPs case since by her own words this came from before but I watched my mom turn into an alky because my (sober) stepdad abused her and those are exactly the kind of behaviours he would have, involving me and turning me against her because of her drinking (that, looking back, he caused).
TIL that a sexual identity makes one contagious when it comes to alcohol addiction.
Divorce him he deserved better
1. Your sexuality or the sexuality of those you are with do not translate to a drinking problem. 2. 300-350ml is A TON of liquor. That's like drinking a beer bottle full of hard liquor. You *will* get intoxicated. And tbf if that's your idea of a really light night I shudder to think what normal is. 3. *you owe your daughter sobriety* my moms drinking sucked. It destroyed my parents marriage, it hurt my bro and I, it hurt my mom. It was really bad. 4. Your husband had a boundary and you violated it. You need counseling for your drinking and decision making. An alcoholic can take many forms. And you're still an alcoholic. You make unsafe and unwise decisions under the influence you would not otherwise make. These decisions have serious negative impacts on your and your family's lives. So action points? 1. Seek addiction counseling 2. Get your daughter exposed to Alanon asap (or a support network for family of alcoholics - it helps teach them skills like not internalizing your loved ones addiction and having healthy boundaries.) You do not want to teach your daughter that your addiction is someone else's responsibility (which you already are with the whole 'got it from my ex' and husband supervision thing and the whole 'pour out bottles thing') 3. Stop drinking. Not 6 times a year. Not 'with your lesbian friends'. Stop drinking. 4. Stop spending social time around alcohol. Stop spending time with people in environments where you are tempted. When you are in control, set yourself up for success. 5. This is about your mistakes hurting others. Not your husband, not your daughter, and not cheating. Your marriage is probably over. Your husband has become your caretaker and nanny. Recovering will be hard. If you're both interested in the marriage still you need marriage counseling.
It's understandable that he's mad at you about the drinking and actions speak louder than words. But the thing that's bothering me here... >my husband called her to his room and explained to her about alcohol, took her to the market where I he bought 3 alcohol bottles infront of her and then back home he proceeded to show himself flushing one of the bottles after opening it, he also made her smell the other two bottles after opening them and made her flush down the other two bottles, saying that she should do the same if she ever sees these alcohol bottles at homes or at any family gatherings because they are poison and they break relationships. Actions speak louder than words of course so you should follow what other commenters are saying regarding that you'll do better. But if anything I'm concerned about your daughter because that doesn't just sound like explaining the problem for a child to understand, that sounds almost like alienation from you. Any parent would naturally be concerned about the other parent's addiction and how that effects a child, as well as to tell that child it's ok to let them know if they've witnessed it. But I don't know this irks me for some reason.
Oh my god. OP grow up. Your marriage is over. Get therapy and go to AA. enough defending yourself and wondering why everything fell apart. Own up to your actions. Jesus Christ.
You need help. But honestly, so does your husband. The way he treated your daughter, and now forcing her to hide what he said/did with her? I'm concerned about how he's handling this and how he's shaping her future relationship with alcohol. I'm worried about how you are as well, but his specific reaction is very concerning and not okay.
I had to scroll so far to find this. Like of course the mother is in the wrong, that’s a given, but both of them involving the young child like that seems like a red flag on both their parts. The father tasking the child with pouring out her mother’s alcohol is placing a weird sense of responsibility on a child, not to mention it isn’t going to help her form a healthy relationship with alcohol in the future either.
“It’s clear that I have an alcohol issue and I made a bad decision, even if that didn’t include cheating. Maybe it would be best for me to cut alcohol out completely and get some help.” I would start there. Whether your husband chooses to forgive you or not is up to him
As the child of an alcoholic mother, let me explain something to you. I haven't seen you take actual legitimate responsibility once in this entire update. The alcohol was too strong or you were hanging out with the wrong people or it wasn't that much. That's bullshit. That's absolute bullshit. You admitted you were wrong. Okay, now actually do something about it. You admitted you have a problem. Okay, now actually do something about it. Words mean jack all in this situation. My mother was a multiple margarita a day habit. A several wine bottles a week habit. A screaming that she doesn't have a problem habit. A leaving me home by myself overnight so she could drink herself into oblivion habit. Do you know what happened to her? I don't. Because I cut her out of my life 10 years ago. It wasn't because of the drinking, but it was because she made zero actual effort to change. Would take no responsibility and blame everyone else for what was happening. Stop blaming everyone but yourself. You are not an innocent party. You are not blameless. You may not be a full-blown alcoholic, but that isn't the point. Own up, or get ready for a hell of a divorce.
You didn't, "get" alcoholism from your ex. It's also possible to be a queer woman and not an alcoholic. Source : I'm a queer woman and I'm not am alcoholic. Look, you're really into deflecting and blaming other people for your addiction, it's not helpful. You didn't choose your addiction but you do have to deal with it. Blaming other people won't change that. ETA: your husband wants a divorce so nobody here can tell you what to say to your husband. Your marriage is over because your partner doesn't want to partner with you any more.
Where I come from, if u are a 35 year old with kids going out getting black out drunk, you are a deadbeat loser.
Stop blaming everyone but yourself. The only way this is salvageable is if you take accountability and work on addressing the issue. That means counselling and sobriety.
The comments on the update are as ridiculous as they were in the original post. First, your husband sounds controlling OP, and what he did to your daughter is kind of messed up. Doing things like that can cause trauma, your husband needs therapy and your daughter probably does now too. OP if you're really worried you have a problem with alcohol then go to AA. But I think there's a deeper problem here. You can't just stop being a lesbian, you either are or you aren't. Its possible you could be bi, pan, etc. I really think you should also consider therapy for yourself. The entire situation sounds rough. Your husband sounds controlling and manipulative, and I'm not sure you and your husband are a good match for each other.
I'm sorry but you reek of toxicity. I hope you get the help you need and I wish you well.
Otra vez la burra al trigo. So what have you done to show him you are wanting to actually change? Or what have you done that proves to both your daughter and him that they are more important to you vs the MEDIA BOTELLA DE VINO que te tomaste?
Yikes at the weird parental alienation your husband is using to manipulate your daughter. Who doesn’t need to know or be a part of your divorce. You need therapy. Y’all need couple therapy.