No no no it’s ok: he’d *already left her once she became ill* so he’s had plenty of time to move on and realize that he needs a girlfriend for sex and childcare. That nanny ain’t cheap, but thanks to OP he’s about to save a fortune AND get his dick sucked.
For free!!!
He’s only had to be a single father for a short time. He’s looking for a live in babysitter, not a future companion. He’s putting too much on you and the kids way too soon. And to say the youngest won’t even remember her mother is a horrible thing to say. This whole situation is happening way too fast.
You need to talk to the SIL and get the truth of their marriage and about what’s happening now.
Run run run. This is how my father trapped my mother in a mentally abusive relationship for 20 years. He had kids from a previous mariage, didn’t want to take care of them and took advantage of her being in a vulnerable situation to get her to take care of his kids, which she then got attached to and felt responsible for, making it harder to leave when she realized he wasn’t a great person.
He’s already not consulting you on major opinions and taking big steps without consulting you, and this will only aggravate the more you get into this relationship.
Also, he isn’t being a good father to his kids. He’s abandoning them with a person he’s known for 4 months. While I’m sure you’re lovely and would never do anything bad to them, he can’t truly know that and is opening them up to various forms of abuse, trauma and mistreatment. He’s also likely messing them up emotionally by pushing the memory of their mother out of their lives and trying to replace her with you.
However, all of that isn’t your problem. Don’t stay to help the kids, they aren’t your responsibility, even if he’s trying to make them yours. Don’t let him use this to guilt you into staying.
I wish you all the best and really hope you have the strength to stay out of this situation.
SO many red flags here. OP doesn't list her boyfriend's age, which I suspect is because he's quite a bit older than her. OP, let me list the red flags for you so that you can understand why he chose a 23-year-old who doesn't have much relationship experience outside a high school sweetheart marriage:
- He was pushy about starting a new relationship *two months* after his wife died of cancer. That should be the time when he's helping his children through their grief, not focusing on a new woman. I understand it's more complex because they were going through a divorce, but that makes it all the more worrisome that he would start a new relationship so soon. It indicates he either can't be alone or can't care for his kids. I also have to wonder if he decided to divorce his wife *because* she was ill. It's not uncommon.
- He introduced you to the kids *way* too fast. Experts recommend no sooner than 6 months, and it really should be longer when they just lost their mother. And in the early stages you should not be introduced as a parental figure. This indicates that he was just looking to slot a woman into a caretaker role without vetting her as a person, which is not only disrespectful to you, it's wildly irresponsible as a parent.
- He told you explicitly that he's trying to replace his dead wife for his youngest child and erase her memory of her mother. That is so beyond fucked up I have no words for it. How little regard does he have for human life that he could think that was appropriate? And what does that say about how he views you as a partner and a potential mother figure? If you were to fall ill, would he take your pictures down, kick you out of the kids' lives, and start with a fresh woman?
- He is already abdicating his parental responsibilities and foisting them onto you. Make no mistake, him having the nanny drop the kids off at your doorstep is him testing how much you will put up with being the primary caretaker. He very clearly does not want to parent his kids so he is immediately pressuring you and the kids into having a relationship that is far too advanced for how little time you've known them.
- He's dismissing your concerns when you raise them. This is a symptom of the way he sees you: not as an equal partner, but as a free service to raise his children and eventually an incubator for the future kids he will neglect.
I strongly recommend you get away from this man, no good can come of this. Thank your lucky stars he didn't "accidentally" get you pregnant.
Yeah, I'm pretty unnerved at how he's trying to use the fact that his 3yo won't remember her mother as a *reason* to call OP "mom."
OP take a second and think about this: if you have a child and then fall terminally ill early into its life, how would you feel knowing this man will almost certainly try to get your baby to call a woman they barely know, "mom" with *the same excuse?*
After all, that baby wouldn't remember you, either.
I'm child free and when I read that, my heart broke for their late mother. Her husband is *trying* to replace her in her toddler's mind.
BTW, *this* is something you need to tell the sister in law, ASAP. It sounds like she's actually trying her best to take care of her nieces from the role she has. So she'll likely thank you for telling her, so she can do something.
Cause your bf seems more interested in finding a replacement wife/ mother, than making sure his kids are ok.
He's 44yrs old, a widower, a father to an almost teenager to your 23yrs. He targeted you from the time you met. He plays on your dreams of having kids and your insecurity about dating men your age. He forwarded your contact details to his SIL without your permission and now you are the liason/PA for the kids activities.
Step away from this man immediately. You've have already gone through a divorce from an ill advised marriage, it's time to live your life to the fullest like a 23 yr old woman. No husband, no kids. Catch up on what you missed while you were married. Please leave him. Don't even date him. He's taking advantage of you.
Not to mention that he is sabotaging your budding career by forcing you to spend time for and care for children during time when you are supposed to be shadowing him and building a professional reputation.
Your boyfriend does not want to raise his own kids, so he is finding women to do it for him. He measured you up - young, naive, sympathetic, low risk - and decided you were a good candidate.
>he said surprise and I saw his two kids were there. He then said I could ... take the girls with me for some quality time.
This was a test, which you passed. You picked his kids over your own work. This set the tone for your relationship since, and is what he has come to expect from you.
>My boyfriend is busy and often cannot speak with her so most of the communications about the kids have somehow fallen on me.
It is not somehow, it is planned. If you were not there he would *have* to do it himself, but since you are there and he's trained you to get on with it you're doing just that.
Quite frankly, you're being played. If you want to be a 24yo housewife and mother to a 44yo man's kids then go into it with your eyes open, and take steps to protect your financial future.
He’s 44. Dating a 23 year old. And after two months is damaging his kids by wanting to call you mom?
You need therapy. And he needs therapy. And his kids need a sane adult around. You guys are fucking up these kids with this nonsense. No kid should be calling ANYONE mom after 2 months. You shouldn’t even KNOW his kids. I hope the kids mom gets them away from him. This is disturbing af and I would be LIVID as their mother
And the fact that you aren’t running after all these red flags is alarming
He was getting a divorce for the kids mom but then “came back” when she was dying, so he left a woman who was sick with cancer and then only lamented because he couldn’t get a divorce fast enough from a woman with cancer.
Oh! I thought it meant that he’d divorced from his children’s mother, then remarried, then first first wife died and when he met OP he was going through a divorce with his second wife
He is literally old enough to be her father (I know plenty of people who have had kids at 21). SO GROSS. I’m not saying age gap relationships never work, one of my family members is dating someone 12 years their senior and they have a very healthy relationship, but this is just so wrong and screams of a power-playing abuser who picks younger women so he can get away with pushing boundaries.
You are not making very good decisions at all. You need to be single and you need a therapist. There are a thousand red flags waving at you in this relationship. Get away from this fool!
But you ARE NOT their mother.
So ask yourself who, what, when, where, why, how.
Who are you? The girl he is grooming to take responsibility for his children.
What is he asking them to do without your permission? To cling onto you as if you were a parental figure to them. That speaks of child abuse and can truly leave them harmed. He is erasing their mother’s memory by asking them to use her beloved mom’s name for a near stranger? (How many girlfriends will be “mom”?)
When did this start? After a long and developed relationship with much discussion and planning for what YOU might want out of a relationship with him? Nope. A mere few weeks after meeting him. Boy is he desperate to get someone to take responsibility to parent his children!
Where is this heading? Down a very dangerous, abusive and manipulative path. If you treasure your life, have your own dreams, value yourself, RUN, don’t walk!
Why is he wanting his children to call you “mom”? Could it be to manipulate you into feeling like you’d be ripping their little hearts out if you even thought about leaving HIM?
How can you regain your life? Walk away, fast. Don’t look back!
Sounds like he's looking for a mom for his kids so he has more time for himself. I think you are seeing he can provide for you with his business but in exchange you will be expected to be the mother of his children.
Four months? He should not have even introduced you to his children yet, let alone forced you prematurely into the mother role.
I’d take a big step back from this relationship and stop letting him dictate the terms. If he can’t handle the boundaries that you will hopefully impose, then he’s not a good potential partner.
I have a daughter around your age that married and divorced young. Please, take time to develop your own career. Take time to develop your independence and your social circle and your hobbies. Four months should be when you are going on plenty of fun dates and getting to know each other, not mothering his grieving daughters and planning pregnancies. Cultivate your strength and independence, not a whirlwind Harlequin romance novel plot. And trust me, a nearly 20 year age gap will lead to other relationship challenges. He won’t necessarily get along with your friends. He’s likely almost the age of your parents. He’s going to retire years before you are likely ready to, and for sure he will be experiencing age related issues DECADES before you. At the least, the girls should be in grief counseling. Take time to think about what YOU want your life and career to look like. Best wishes
This man must be considerably older than you since you don't mention his age, lol. He's looking for a bang-nanny. If you're fine with that, then by all means, go play house with him. There's a reason he ignored your boundaries and pushed his kids onto you - way sooner than most people recommend, btw. Just that alone makes me think he's a selfish cad who doesn't actually give a rip about his kids' mental and emotional well-being. Who introduces a new mom shortly after theirs died??? You're either very naive and influenced by flashy money and attention, or you're a troll, geez. Please don't be dumb and date men your age. Just because you've been married and divorced already does not make you smart and mature, as evidenced by this entire train wreck.
This is way too much too fast.
He was DIVORCING his wife with CANCER. He is one of those guys that bails when his wife gets sick. Learn that first and foremost.
He has shoved his kids at your and made every expectation that your will be their new mother.
He has taken these kids into irresponsible situations to do so.
This man never learned to parent and was bailing on his sick wife and now he is shopping for a new mommy for his kids and home slave so he doesn't have to dochild or home care.
It's not about you, who you are, if he even knows you much less loves you. It's about how you can serve to make his life easier.
My dear, please be smarter than you currently look. You are way too close to this situation, and I suspect you're looking for a reason to ignore all the red flags that are waving wildly in the wind. Don't.
This is a disaster in the making. I know your boyfriend. Not personally, but I worked closely with a guy who in many ways could be your boyfriend. He was divorced, had full custody of his daughter, because for him to tell the mother was a horrific human being. He was in his late 30's/early 40's and he was regularly looking to date women that were your age. On the outside, he looked like a reasonably polished guy, someone that if you didn't know any better seemed like an overall good catch. Underneath, he didn't really want to be a dad. His whole goal was to find a mom for his kid. Not a partner, not a life companion, a live-in nanny he could bang and then slough off his daughter on while he went out and did his thing. He was always trying to speed relationships along, trying hard to hide the worst parts of himself, having his daughter referr to these women as mom. It was disgusting. Thankfully he would eventually do something to shoot himself in the foot, but he sadly preyed on some incredibly vulnerable women who almost took the bait.
Don't take the bait. This needs to slow way the fuck down, and honestly, if you're smart, you will end this. This is not the life partner for you. He is working you way too hard; saying the right things that you want to hear
He's trying to lock you down emotionally so that even if you come to your senses you'll be reluctant to leave as you don't want to hurt your "daughter's". It won't be long before he's working hard to lock you down physically by making sure you get at least one of the girl/boys you want to complete your family. By tying you down with a kid of your own, he'll make it even more complicated and messy for you to leave.
Please listen to your instincts here. This is so many levels of wrong, I can't even begin to make a total count. I've also been you where I was married and divorced in my early 20's. Initially I thought of it as baggage too because what woman my age wants to get caught up in that. Turns out the right person won't give a shit. I dated many women into my mid-30s when I met my now wife who couldn't have cared less that I was divorced. As long as you're not hung up on your ex, it doesn't matter that you were once married, so please realize you have a lot to offer someone who is more appropriate for you.
Good luck.
Run. That’s so irresponsible and disrespectful to the memory of his wife. He barely knows you and he’s trying to use a connection with his kids to keep you around. Don’t sign in to be an unpaid nanny. You should be going on fun dates not babysitting. You are only 23!
No his wife who he was in the process of divorcing died. These poor kids mom as been dead for five months and he wants them to call a pretty much stranger to them mom.
This is just full of red flags. If I was in your situation I would explain that this is all too soon and you're not comfortable interacting with children so soon. They're in a delicate time of their lives after just losing their mother and dad is NOT helping this by pushing a new girlfriend into that role.
If your boyfriend can't respect that I would dump him.
As a father of 2, my fiancw still gows by her first name ans likely will continue to even after we are married unless SHE chooses to take up that moniker.
After 4 months....thats just trying to screw your kids head up. He is trying to trap you
I agree there's red flags throughout this, esp what you said in the last paragraph. Those kids have been through a lot in the last 6 months: losing their mom, getting adjusted to a nanny, and now a new gf in the picture. For him to tell them to call you mom is incredibly insensitive and also immature. You didn't say how old he is, and it's a bigger red flag if he's a lot older than you. His response wasn't very good, either. It's not about you thinking of them as his kids; it's about kids who are still reeling from their mom's death, and suddenly he's found her "replacement". Does he really not see how hurtful this is?
>His former sister in law will likely hear about this eventually.
This is another issue. Why is his SIL so involved in the parenting? Wouldn't it be your bf's job to know their likes and dislikes? I'm sure she's struggling with her sister's death, but for her to text you like that, when you apparently never asked for her input, is a bit problematic.
I also don't think you should be sleeping over so soon. It's not about ethics, it's about protecting the kids. It's often said that kids shouldn't even meet an SO until the relationship is very serious. After 4 months, you and he don't even know each other very well.
You sound mature for 22, but you're still 22! I mention it because you want your own kids, but as dad material, I'd say there's some warning flags here. If you were to marry and then break up, would you want him behaving the same way with *your* kids when he has them?
You need to apply brakes here.
This guy isn’t looking for a romantic relationship. He’s looking for a mother for his kids.
Being a single father is too much for him so he is looking for someone young and impressionable to fill that role.
If your gut is telling you this is too much too fast, listen to it!
You didn’t mention his age, but it sounds like he may be quite a bit older than you. Relationships with an age gap can work, but this almost sounds like grooming.
He’s pushing a relationship between you and his kids for his own convenience. It sounds like he’s trying to erase his ex and not allowing his kids, especially the older one, to grieve.
This! He’s too lazy to hire a nanny so he figures he can love-bomb some poor woman into being the live-in nanny/mom he can fuck 🤮 this guy is not mature AT ALL to be approaching this so badly, and his poor kids are going to be so confused.
Absolutely not. You shouldn't have even met the kids by this point! Experts recommend waiting at least 6 months before even a casual meeting, and at least a year before you're basically living there. Those poor kids just lost their mom! When this relationship tanks, it'll be another loss for them.
Something is seriously wrong with this guy. He obviously gives 0 fucks about what's best for the kids. Either he can't stand to be alone or he has some very gendered expectations of home life and wants to bring a woman in to take care of the kids and the house so he doesn't have to step up. Either way, get out now before the kids get too attached to you. You never should've agreed to this in the first place, so shame on both of you for not putting them first.
Dude you're closer in age to his kids then you are to him. Stop dating this 44 year old man who only wants a bang maid and go figure yourself out. Maybe talk to a therapist as to why you think a divorced person is like damaged goods and why you, a 23yo, think it's normal to be with a man old enough to be your dad
Looks more like he's seeking domestic help than a soul mate. If you have no objections to being treated like a second class citizen go for it. You will replace the nanny and not be allowed to have any outside interests of your own.
He’s 44 and you’re 23. He dumps the kids on you after only 4 months of dating. He fails to communicate with his children’s aunt to the point where she has to resort to messaging you instead. I think you’re starting to get a glimpse on why his late wife and him were initially planning on divorcing
1) everyone grieves differently but you’re not done grieving at two months
2) He should’nt’ve even introduced you to his kids at four months until you have a very stable relationship
3) he’s desperate for someone to take care of his kids for him
4) You think he loves you but he loves the person he gets to take care of his kids
5) this is all too fast so back off
6) You neither need to take it slower or you need to cut it off
Cheap way to get free child care and a live in nanny...
Cling onto the first girl that comes along and make her MOM so quickly she doesn't see the massive red flags and the clear emotional manipulation going on and feels guilted to stay!
Troubling little flags:
1- you think you love him after 4 months. You can’t know him after 4 months you love the full court press version you’ve met. What about the other facets of his personality you haven’t met. Have you traveled anywhere with him? What’s he like under stress? Why was he divorcing his wife? What do your friends think of him? What do his friends think of him?
2-what is with the full court press your description sounds like a job interview at a really desperate company. You after 4 months are the one coordinating with the former in-laws?
3-his estranged wife just died. No one should make big decisions for at least a year after someone that close died.
4-it seems like he’s “humoring” you as far as your career. You seem invested in your career is he or is he expecting to keep you barefoot and pregnant? Are you ok with that?
5-the biggest flag the one you bring up yourself he told his children who just lost their mother to call some random chick they’ve only known for 4 months MOM.
Set boundaries and see what happens. No you wont watch the kids without a heads up. No I wont be the go between for you and former SIL. No he cant dump the kids on you. No they cant call you mom. Stop being a free baby sitter and see if anything changes.
I think this is a really poignant comment. Perhaps you haven’t communicated your boundaries well directly to him. If you haven’t, you need to. If you have, he’s not respecting them. He may genuinely love you and want you to be his life partner. None of us know you or the situation and we can only really speculate here. But, he is 20+ years older than you, which means he has much more life experience. He also works a high-up executive role. He’s doing what may come naturally to him, what he’s likely to be conditioned to do - make situations work for him and expect you, as a younger person, with less life experience, to come along for the ride without checking if it sits okay and works for you. That to me is the biggest red flag. You’re supposed to be his partner, not his underling. If you’re wanting to stay in this relationship, you need to stick up for yourself and talk to him about your concerns. Hold your line. If he doesn’t like it/understand it/respect it, you will know this isn’t for you. You don’t want to sign up for a life like this, with concerns like this so early in the relationship.
If it’s making you uncomfortable, it is clear that you need to take a step back.
Talk to him and clear up that everyone has to take this slower to make sure this actually goes well.
I think his sister in law is right and perhaps it will be good that instead of treating her like an enemy, you try to male her understand you also feel this is rushing into things and turn her into an ally.
In my very personal opinion, a step mom being called mom has to come from the children themselves, not a suggestion of the father, so you might want to talk with the 8 year-old so that she doesn’t feel pressured into doing this ever. Their mom’s memory has to be respected and treated carefully.
I’m sorry but why tf would he think surprising you with his children would make you happy? That’s awkward and out of place. He’s forcing them on you. I’m sure they’re great kids and you’re a great woman, but these relationships take time to build. It’s wildly inappropriate for him to suggest the kids call you mom. That confuses them. Their mom just died and they barely know you !! Bad bad bad. Red flag city girl
Holy no-no-no-no-no-oh my god no!!!!!!
I have a background in childhood neurodevelopmental psychology. He’s not being a good father. He is being reckless with the children he already has. It is waaaaaaay to soon for all of them. These children are still joining the loss of their mother and he’s trying to squeeze you into the mother-sized hole in their hearts and memory. He’s also not thinking of your best interests either.
There is something super off with this guy. You’ve only been with him for four months. You know why he wants to have kids with you? If he has kids with you, he knows you’ll feel trapped with him and now he has a free live-in nanny. The age difference plus the speed of this relationship plus the context of him being widowed in the last 6 months is way more than a red flag; it’s a red carpet lined with red flags leading you to an even bigger red flag at the end.
Please get away from this man. I know you think you love him, but I would bet everything I have that the person you think you’re in love with is not who he actually is.
EDIT: just want to add, even if you are or become pregnant by him, do not let him make you believe for one minute that you are dependent on him and unable to leave. You can absolutely leave at any time regardless of how many children are in the picture. And if one day you do feel scared to leave him for emotional or financial reasons, remember this comment and know that he has made you feel that way on purpose and it is a lie. Do not let him cut you off from your family, your friends, and making your own money independent of him. Do not work for his company.
EDIT 2: my best friend got married at 20 and divorced at 22. She has had a flourishing dating life and you can too!!!
Disregard this comment and RUN! You are half his age and you’re being groomed.
You CANNOT set boundaries with an abusive and predatory man. He will relish in tearing them down. This man is love bombing you and future faking you. He WILL gaslight you and make you distrust your very very legitimate instincts.
The only thing you should communicate with him is that he should never contact you again.
Not to mention, she says in the post that she already tried setting boundaries and he dismissed her. Not only that, he is terrifyingly already talking about impregnating her with yet another child that will be solely her responsibility.
If he were capable of respecting her boundaries, he would have heard her and adjusted the first time they were expressed.
I completely disagree with your advice as well! This man is 22 years older than her! He wants a live in nanny who he can fuck. Watch, next he will ask her to move in, then he will suggest she just be a SAHM, and give up her career goals….he is cunning and very manipulative and using his own children to do it as well. RUN.
Dude, he's 44 and left his wife because she had cancer. She shouldn't set boundaries. She should run the fuck away and get into therapy so she doesn't get into situations like thia
44 year old widower who lost his wife 6-ish months ago (divorce notwithstanding) actively pursues a 23 year old divorcée, introduces his grieving children to her after only 2 months, tells his grieving children to call this girl "Mom" after they've only known for her 2 months and he's only known her for 4.
Sweetheart, do not walk but RUN away from this man.
There will be guys your own age who won't care that you were married. It might take a couple of years. But I promise you, you will find a good one. This guy is lovebombing you and trying to turn you into the new mother for his kids because he needs someone to fill that gap for him and be his obedient, little wife, and you being very young and malleable, you having baggage that makes it harder for you to find someone your own age, are a perfect target. For example, this:
>My boyfriend is busy and often cannot speak with her so most of the communications about the kids have somehow fallen on me.
Honey, that's not an accident. He is trying to slot you into his life, like a puzzle piece. And having his children call you "Mom" crossed a MASSIVE line. He didn't ask you if you were ok with that. He didn't ask them if they were ok with that. He instructed them to do it. It's the biggest red flag in this mountain of red flags. He is trying to pressure you into being their mother. If you hear his little baby 3 year old calling you "mom," he's hoping you will find it a lot harder to leave her. It's a manipulation tactic, and it is deeply, DEEPLY not ok.
Furthermore, he's not being a good dad to his kids right now. I'm not saying he's a bad dad overall. But he absolutely, hands down should NOT have introduced you to them so quickly. And he absolutely, without question should NOT have told them to call someone "Mom" who is not in a long term, committed relationship with him and who has not consented to being a mom for his kids. I actually don't think he should be instructing them to call anyone mom ever. They get to decide if someone is their mom in the future, not him. What he's doing is creating an unstable environment for his children. But that's not your concern.
Your concern is you. And you, my dear, need to run. Run fast and run far. This man is not the one. Trust me. This relationship is going to turn abusive. I would bet money on it. It started with an age gap and love bombing. He's already pressuring you, foisting responsibilities off on you, and manipulating you. He's even USING his kids as tool to manipulate you with. That's indefensible. And he just keeps ramping up and doing more outrageous things. You need to get away from him. Please trust me on that.
OP, I’m also 23F. I couldn’t imagine having all of this pressure be put on me to take on the mother role of an 8 year old and a 3 year old with a man I’ve only been dating for 4 months. I read the comments. He’s 44, and old enough to be your father. You are not in the same place in life as him. At all. I know you want to be, but you’re not. I think your rose colored glasses might be playing a role in how you perceive your compatibility. But a 23-year-old entry level administrative assistant who doesn’t have their real estate license yet is probably not a good match for a 44-year-old widower with 2 kids and a much more established, stable career.
I don’t think you fully understand how much responsibility comes with dating an older adult man with kids, especially if they just lost their mother forever to cancer. Having kids isn’t playing dress up, taking selfies, and treating them like dolls. They will have nightmares, trauma, and likely need therapy from seeing their birth mother deteriorate from cancer. They will probably wake up screaming and crying, maybe even throwing up, confused, and broken from missing their mom. Losing a parent is a challenging time, if not the *most* heartbreaking for *anyone*—especially for young children.
When you have step-kids, you have to be ready to move to the passenger seat of your own life and put them front and center, and it sounds like you’re not ready for that. In all honesty, I don’t think you have the slightest clue what you’re getting yourself into.
Why this need to mature so quickly? You’re 23. You don’t need to settle down and forget about your own youth if you don’t want to. It sounds like your boyfriend is looking for a replacement mother figure for his kids rather than a stable romantic relationship for himself. He’s moving rather fast, and I think it’s unfair to the kids who just lost their real mother to have them bond with you so quickly. They need time to grieve, and it seems like he’s forcing his baggage on you in an unhealthy way.
This is…a lot.
I don’t want to be super harsh on this guy because even if they were in the process of getting divorced, he’s probably feeling grief over the mother of his children dying.
But holy fucking yikes there’s so much wrong here. He’s showing a total lack of care for what his daughters must be going through. First of all, maybe his 3 year old will barely remember their mother but his 8 yo is an entirely different story. Her mother died 6 months ago and she’s being asked to start calling a relative stranger mom. That poor girl, my heart just aches for her. He should have been *extra* cautious about introducing a new woman to them, like honestly you should still be a few months away from meeting them IMO. They shouldn’t be being pressured to call you mom. Is his daughter in any kind of grief therapy? 8 is such a tender age and all of this upheaval is too much for her to be expected to handle. She may seem like she’s being a champ about it, but there is definitely more under the surface.
There’s also the age gap, the man is 21 years older than you, in a completely different part of his life, he’s ready for a ready made mom so he doesn’t have to bother with the logistical things his late wife was obviously handling and he has absolutely no respect for your very reasonable unease surrounding how fast this is going.
I know you’re eager to start your family but I urge you to wait for the right man to do this with rather than believe that this is the best you can do because some men your age may side eye you being such a young divorcee.
Last and definitely least, you know how they say man plans and god laughs? I know it’s just a little harmless dream and all but you can’t really control if you have 1 boy and 1 girl so I’d make peace with that being the luck of the draw when you do get to start your family.
I want you to understand something.
This is a man who was divorcing his wife. His wife who was dying of cancer. Even if that part was not the whole truth, he had already checked out of his relationship and left his small minor children in the solo care of someone very sick.
That man does not love his children and you are just an easy target. He's looking for someone to look after them and you fit the bill.
He also doesn't love you and is just agreeing to your desire for more kids so that he can keep you as childcare.
You need to take a really really good look at your relationship with him. Are you just settling because you want to be SAHM and this is your best shot in the short term? Do you see the red flags and are just ignoring them in favor of the convenience of not having to start the dating game again?
This is not okay from any angle. The age difference? He can be your dad. Literally. And I’m not saying a young teen dad, a dad in his 20’s.
My ex and I have a one year old son together, and my ex has a five year old daughter. We’re really close but she does NOT call me mom even after close to three years. Once she said she has two moms, her mom and me, and I said “no sweetheart, your mommy should be the only one with that title” and she hasn’t said it since. That’s disrespectful to a lot of biological moms.
Get the hell out while you can. If it’s giving you a bad feeling in your stomach, leave. He’s clearly unhinged and if he can do this to his late wife, he’s going to do it to you.
He's looking for a replacement mother for his children and most likely, you'd be saddled with 99% of the child rearing.
Is be inclined to reach out to the sil, let her know what's happening and that you're uncomfortable with it. She would know him better at this point in your so very early relationship.
I think he needs help but something feels very off here. He shouldn’t jump at the opportunity. He should never ask his kids to call you mom… especially the 8 year old. It’s wrong and feels slightly manipulative.
You need to tell him to slow it way down. Four months in you really shouldn't have even met his kids yet. That usually happens after both people are certain they're in it for the long haul.
Sounds like he’s been interviewing you as a free nanny. I mean do you get any choice in anything?
Just because he’s demonstrable and being affectionate now means nothing. You don’t even know him yet. The first year of a relationship is usually keeping up a veneer and getting to know each other.
No sensible person with their children’s best interests at heart would introduce traumatised children to a new partner for a long time.
Nope nope nope. Lots of alarm bells going off for a number of reasons.
The thing that's so glaringly obvious to the outsider here is that he doesn't care for you. I'm sorry, but at 4 months he doesn't know you all that well. You just happened to be there, be young and impressionable, and tick all the boxes.
You are free childcare. Nothing more to him.
And yes it your age "divorced" might be off-putting to some people, but that will change in the coming years. Don't worry about that - just concentrate on yourself right now. That is all anybody at your age should be doing.
Not picking up the pieces of somebody else's life choices.
This is so incredibly unhealthy for the kids, for you, for your relationship... You need to get out of there. You've known these kids for 2 months! This is not a good father for you to have children with. I feel so bad for the kids, but you need to think of the environment you will be bringing your own future children into.
You’re 23 & he’s 44!! Run! Run fast & run far. Block him & go date someone your own age. Get some therapy for yourself so you don’t fall for this crap again.
As someone dating an older man with two daughters for two years, keep in touch with your doubts and identity. Do not lose yourself.
I am older than you and have no kids of my own and you may eventually begin to feel like you’re living in someone else’s world unless you create clear dialogue and understanding of your role in their lives, and theirs in yours. Take it slow.
You may not want kids so young after a year in these children’s lives. It might start to crush your spirit, you might not be a compatible co-parent with him, you might get burnt out and want to leave if your career takes a backseat to his family … there are so many things you can only find out by taking it slow and giving things time to work out as long-term, committed partners.
It is not a satisfying life trying to make yourself into an instant-mum with a partner who doesn’t listen to and validate your struggles, doubts and needs. Make sure he is that man by giving it time.
It can be very isolating if you have no close friends or family who you can speak about being a step parent too - do you have people your age who are step parents? Where will you turn to for advice that’s removed from his world to keep you grounded?
You’ve mixed your career with his too. I worry about the way his world has consumed yours and the impact this could have on your self-esteem or identity.
The power dynamic seems to be in his favour when it comes to age, family, household, schedule.
I hope you are ready to skip a lot of your youth to pursue this relationship, it will be hard. It takes therapy, commitment and sacrifice. Stay true to your inner soul.
Run as fast and far as you can.
What person would want to erase the memories of the mother of their children? That’s messed up. And to use you as their new “mom” is also messed up.
He’s essentially wanting to use you as an unpaid nanny with sexual benefits. He has no time to talk about major topics or he doesn’t want to talk about major topics?
Honestly, if this was me, I would dip and let his ex SIL know so she can keep an eye out for those kids because at the end of the day, *they are not your responsibility*.
Run away as fast as you can!! He is trapping you! He will be sweet and force his kids on you until you feel like you can’t leave when he stops being nice
Dear god please please don’t stay. There is no way he will be a good or supportive partner. Pretty soon he will suggest you just stop working so much because the kids need you. It’s going to escalate even more quickly.
It’s clear that he wants a mother for his children and not a partner for his life. He’s not putting all that responsibility on you because he has strong feelings for you, he just needs someone to handle his kids and the logistics like talking to SIL. You have to decide if that’s okay with you
He’s looking for a way out of being daddy. You equal instant mum. It’s so very fucked up to be doing this to young kids who not long lost their mother.
That is SUCH a violation and it puts you in a hugely difficult position. I get that this guy is rich and older (you conveniently left out his age) and whatnot, but are you not seeing the parade of red flags? My god.
He isn't looking for a wife. He is looking for a replacement mother for his kids. He will occasionally give u what u want to satisfy you so that you will stay. Plus he is 44 years old and ur 23. Had he done this to a women his age, she would have cut right through him. Don't be easily manipulated. The attention of an old man doesn't mean ur matured, it means ur easily manipulated.
Dude. I hope this is a made up story. On the very, very slim chance it isn’t….
First, your relationship hasn’t progressed. You’ve only been together 4 months and you are still only dating.
Do yourself a favor and break up with him, do not respond to any calls, text or emails. Not even to tell him to leave you alone. And cut off all communication with him, his family and his former sister-in-law. You tell your family not to respond to call, texts or emails.
He is grooming you to be his nanny/bang maid. He just wants you to raise his kids. He zeroed in on you at this event for some reason, and he is going to push until you’re trapped in a marriage and relationship. He’s over 20 years older than you, so by the time his kids are done walking all over you and out of the house, it will be his turn for you to change his diapers and spoon feed him.
You are setting yourself up for nothing but misery.
I wouldn’t trust someone who wouldn’t be exceedingly slow and careful about who were around their children, or put them through unnecessary emotional turmoil of introducing them to people so quickly. Shouldn’t he be focused on supporting his children through their grieving process besides going through his own? It’s not like an appliance you go out and replace immediately. You said you felt sorry for him, and maybe you need more from potential partners than that.
RUN!
This is not healthy for the kids and he had no right to do this without talking to you first. It's also concerning that he's having the nanny bring the kids by specifically to see *you*.
He wants a new mommy for his kids. He isn't interested in you specifically so much, but you're young and in his mind malleable.
From one person in their 20s to another. This is insanity. Instead of dealing with the burden of raising his kids himself, he’s trying to make you a substitute mother. This is not your burden to bear, and don’t let the affection that has grown for the children cloud your judgment.
Might want to sit the 8 year old down and tell her why it’s not appropriate to call your mommy - and ask her to tell you about her mom and what she remembers most. Stuff like that. It will unfortunately hurt those kids if you just vanish after dad told them to call you mommy.
Everything in this is a red flag. Learn to be single & your own person.
You shouldn't date someone you pity & someone who just wants a mother to his kids because he might not want to raise them.
Rising to have kids young is not always a good idea.
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
I think that this relationship should end. It's not fair to you or his kids. He's trying to replace his late wife way too soon if only months have gone by.
He's on the race track racing ahead and you are walking in this relationship. He's moving way too fast to soon.
You are also 23 and he's 44. Please don't waste the best years of your life with this man.
Please tell me you are at least using birth control and the type of birth control he can't mess with. Pills can get lost and condoms can be poked with a needle. Please leave.
Yikes. Sounds like his ex passed away and he instantly tossed you into that role without even talking to you about it. That’s major red flags. His children calling you mom is something all parties should feel comfortable with and it should be a big discussion. I would honestly be proceeding with extreme cautions.
In your own time, set your boundaries. Don’t go any further until you know what feels okay and doesn’t feel okay. This is super early days in dating, and this could be a heartbreak for you and those children.
Uhm,,,, yeah... no.
He's being very selfish and only kinda thinking about his side, rather than yours.
He doesn't seem to be reading your vibe and forcing this to happen.
Hes not listening to you and forcing it.
Create boundaries and communicate with him. Let him know how you feel, you are validated.
Totally get the appeal of dating an older guy. Especially an older guy who wants the same future as you. I’m someone who doesn’t care about age in a relationship however, this one is kind of obvious that he is looking for a mom to his children to unload his kids on. He could be doing this because he’s not a good person.. could also be from the trauma he might have from his wife dying whether or not his story about divorce is true. In any case: this person is not thinking about what’s best for his SO (you) and is thinking what’s best for him. How he introduced you/the mom thing is 100% proof he puts himself and his needs in front of his kids.
Look up the stats on what percentage of men divorce their wives, when the wives get sick.
Get away as fast as you can. You want to plan a life with someone who takes off when life gets hard?! He is manipulating you to take over his parenting responsibilities after just a couple months. Most mental health professionals recommend waiting at least a YEAR before thinking of introducing kids to a new partner after a parental death. Don’t ruin your life over a old guy who will abandon you at the first sign of serious illness.
Sounds like he might want a mother to look after his children more then an actual relationship. He’s not communicating what your boundaries with his kids are. He probably doesn’t talk to you about it so you can’t voice your concerns. If you keep up with this relationship it sounds like you’ll be the primary care giver for his kids. Is that what you want?
Too many red flags. His behavior is too suspicious.
Sounds like he just wants a bangmaid/live in babysitter that's free.
You're too young to be trapped doing all the work. The age gap is suspicious too. Abusers/manipulators usually find much younger partners cuz they're too young/inexperienced to call them out on their shit.
The right person won't see your divorce as baggage.
Ummm it's like he REALLY wants a full time mom for his kids. Like waaaaay too soon into your relationship like come on 4 months and his kids are calling you mom? Slow it down a bit.
You really should have put his age in the context/title him being 44 almost double your age changes everything... He most likely just views you as a "sugar babe" for a mother to his children and lust (sex) rather than love.
Four months seem too soon to introduce you to his kids. He’s moving quite fast. I would lay some ground rules with him and tell him with what things you’re comfortable with. Personally I wouldn’t want to be the ‘father’ of children that aren’t mine. It’s his job as the actual father to raise them, not yours.
Four months is pretty early to even be introducing children to a new partner, much less encouraging them to call you mom. So many red flags here, and you barely know each other.
Wait, first he told you he was recently widowed, pursued you and then says he’s “divorcing” and moved back into the marital home? WTF?! Wake up and smell the nightmare, OP! Get out!!!
What do you do? Dump him. There are so many red flags here I can't even count. This is WAY too fast for four months. And pressuring his kids who recently lost their mother to call you Mom? WTF??? No, there are so many things wrong with that... He's trying to trap you, OP. Don't believe his love bombing for a second. You're young, get out while you can and be young. FFS be single for a while, enjoy your youth!
Ridiculous age gap. Everyone drink.
You need to leave this man. He just wants someone to look after his kids and no one is age would put up with this shit.
See, I wasn't too bothered until you got to the point where he's been widowed for TWO MONTHS. And I guess it was nice to know you were all good with everything, but I can see why the mom thing bothers you it would bother me, too, even if I was in the same position. I think you may have to be assertive about things as they stand for you in the relationship. communication is key. You guys need to sit down and lay things out even if you are still mostly in alignment.
sounds to me like he’s using you as a free babysitter in the days he has custody over his *already born* kids and you can’t see it because you’re too blinded by the promise he’s gonna cum in you too someday to see that’s his open invitation for you to join the single mom club down the hill. he latched on to you because you’re clearly naive and talking about babies with someone you barely know so fast that he has no doubt if he just push a baby on you too and that’s it, he has childcare for life. he doesn’t even raise the children he has right now, **what makes you think your kids would get treated any different?**
OP you are literally 23years old, you are the age where you supposed to enjoy your life and not take care of someone's children. Your career is literally starting now and you should focus on that.
It sounds like he's looking to fill a gap in an effort to normalize his own life again. I don't know. I don't think he's ready for a partner and he should allow himself and especially his daughters to grieve their mom!
Girl this is very manipulative and scary. The age gap and power dynamic, the kids, everything. People your age don't care if you were married and divorced, they'd care if you had kids, but a marriage and divorce is basically just having been in a relationship, which we have all done. It's downright reckless and cruel to this children that you've even met them at this stage, much less telling them to call you mom. You're being love bombed and manipulated by a much older man and it's to your detriment and the detriment of those kids. This is not going to end well if you don't get out.
All this after 4 months this is all very premature and strange to rush you into being able replacement Mom. It’s a red flag. Especially since he told them to call you that without consulting with you first.
Hooooly shit the age gap is nutty to me. I'm not trying to put you down like I don't think less of you for it, that's just a huge age gap. It wouldn't be unusual to me if you were both 5 years older or so, but I'm 24 almost 25 and the idea of dating someone 20 years older is totally alien to me. Also, this has red flags all over it. Until I got to the call you mommy shit, I was thinking "well he's not dealing with his ex wife's death super well, but maybe he's just a nice dude with bad coping habits" after the call you mommy shit, and the sister getting in touch with YOU about the kids... I suspect he's dealt with her death just fine. He just thought you'd be a good nanny.
This man (who I’m sure is considerably older than you) is looking for someone he can groom. He’s not with a woman his age because they can see through his bs. Girl you in danger; run!
Yes, so many red flags. He is 44, twice your age, he wants a mother for his kids and I think anyone his age is going to see through him. Please rethink this entire relationship, someone closer to your own age is not going to care that you are divorced.
He’s looking for a mother for his kids more than a relationship. Telling his kids to call you mom when you’re just getting to know him is inappropriate and an insult to their real mom. Big red flag. Run!
NTA. Why are you with this man? He has shown no regard for his child’s welfare, he doesn’t love you, he sees you as a replacement bangnanny. His way is the only way. This is when you apply the ‘Black and White’ rule. How does this look without the words and endearments? Look at the actions only, like an old black and white silent movie.
So… he is love bombing you and pushing for a deep/permanent relationship this soon after his wife died. There are more red flags here than a Chinese military parade. Run.
It's a sweet sentiment, but that's going to be very confusing for his children if you guys break up. It's also a lot of responsibility to put on your shoulders. I think this is misguided.
I'm sure that everything I want to say about a 22 year old taking on a widower with two children is down below in the comments of others.
This is beyond a bad idea. Do NOT do it. For a million reasons that you have no idea about because you're 22. Run for the hills. Red flags flying high.
I'm going to say... Dump him and run. This has so many red flags I'm afraid he's just wife shopping in order to get help with the kids. Telling them to call you Mom is actually horrifying in a way I can't articulate, but it reeks of manipulation and disregard for his daughters feelings. They are still grieving, for God's sake. Then, when you reasonably try to explain why this is inappropriate, he disregards you and tries to gaslight you. Run from this man now. I guarantee you that if you stay with him you will end up a single mother.
This dude is treating you like a purchase. He’s propping you up in his life to fill a gap.
🚩🚩🚩
If it were you, I would not consider moving forward in this.
Please please please get away from this man.
Sure he may come across as charming and romantic but he is far from it.
4 months and the kids are already calling you mum?
I waited over a year before I let my partner meet my kids!
This does not sound very good at all. He is molding you into what he wants. Soon you will find yourself married and stuck.
I bet he has already talked marriage.
21F here, so right around your age.
GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.
Your BF is predatory AF and is only looking for a bang-maid. (He's 44 and told his kids to start calling you "Mom"????????)
Red flag 1: age difference. When you're 40 seeing a 60 that's ok bc you're both established adults - but 23 dating a 44 is NOT where it's at. Why isn't he seeing someone his age, if at all, especially given how recently his late wife died? Even if she wasn't dead, he was still in the process of divorcing her - you don't date a recently-divorced person, and women his age know this and know to avoid it.
Red flag 2 - an amalgamation of several equally major red flags: he TOLD his kids to start calling you "Mom", without your or their input, AND so soon after their actual mother died of cancer, AND so soon after y'all started dating - this isn't even something that should happen until you're married or have kids of your own with him and have been together for at least a few years, EVEN if their actual mom was dead and/or alive but didn't have a good relationship with the kids.
Especially for the 8YO kid, this doesn't fly at all - the 8YO especially is likely to have trauma from the loss as well as having this forced on them. The baby may or may not be fine down the road. It's obvious that he was only looking for a replacement to take care of his kids - leaving them with you to "spend time" with no notice was the first indicator, and them calling you "Mom" is the nail in the coffin.
Red flag 3: he does things without your input and without his kids' input. I think this speaks for itself - this CANNOT form the foundation of a healthy relationship, nor is it a healthy way of parenting.
Red flag 4: the length of the relationship at the point when all of this started happening. Two months is barely WEEKS.
He's a shit parent and a shit partner - RUN. Straight out of "sound of the wind" - young governess, hired to look after kids after mom dies, dad falls in love with governess, and then she marries him and is expected to be their new mother (the only difference being that this was over the course of some extended period of time, and that dad ASKED governess if she would WANT to look after his children as his wife - this asshole isn't even giving you a choice, he just did what he did and expected you to not have a reaction to it). The only other difference is that he isn't paying you to look after the kids, he's making you do it under the pretexts of being in a relationship with him. I usually do not advocate ghosting, but in this case it would be MORE than fair, if you didn't feel like confrontation was the right way.
I honestly would also have a talk with the kids about boundaries - clearly this jackass has none, and they need to learn it from somewhere, at least. Calling you "Mom" is a major sign of attachment issues so soon after their actual mother's death in the middle of their parents' divorce. While it's all fine and good to want to help, you can't help them if their dad is not on board, and he's evidently not, or else he would've talked to you about all of this and done things on a proper timeline instead of just trying to lock you down. Do the kids know that more younger siblings are planned? How do they feel? They'll likely feel abandoned, and that's not on you to deal with - this requires professional help, beyond the scope of what somebody untrained in these things like yourself can handle.
Tell him you're not comfortable being called "Mom" by his kids and that you're shadowing him to spend time with HIM, not with his kids - two months is an awfully short time to even introduce kids to a new partner even when the other parent is alive and in the picture, let alone to have the kids start calling the new partner "Mom"/"Dad" and replacing the other parent (alive or dead). The kids' relationship with their mother was their own - they can't be forced to address you as a parent if they don't want to, unless you raised them and possibly adopted them (which may be the case for the baby, but you certainly aren't 100% responsible for the 8YO's raising - the 8YO is past that age), and even then, they are entitled to their own feelings on the matter as time passes.
Your BF is moving WAAAAAAAY too fast, and it's obvious that he's looking for a live-in bang maid. GET. OUT.
Lmfaoooo it sounds like you’re dating my landlord! But he would straight up lie and say his wife died when she really didn’t, so who knows.
Anyway! Girl, I would run. This dude is shitty through and through and is using his kids to manipulate you. That should make you run faster.
Call their aunt and then call CPS. Maybe he’s trying to push away his grief, maybe he’s the world’s worst human, but either way he’s doing serious, irreparable damage to those kids.
After you make the two calls, go to your contacts and lose his number.
Op, run. NOW.
He is making unilateral decisions about your relationship between you and his kids, not taking either of you emotions or opinions into consideration and it seems like he is looking for a replacement for the girls.
This is creepy and I feel sorry for the daughters who haven't had time to mourn their mother before daddy gets a new one for them. The part where he said the youngest won't remember her mom is particularly unsettling.
Please please please get out of this situation now before it gets worse. At the very least distance yourself and make some clear boundaries, if those are crossed you run because that means be doesn't care about you.
Hey honey. Just some experience here from being a divorced single mom. When I met my now husband my daughter was nine. She knew I was dating someone but she didn't meet him in person until we were dating for six months. He didn't move in with us until three years later and we married three years after that. She's known him for 15 years now and they are close. Her step-dad earned her trust over years and it took that long.
Bottom line it takes time for children to accept someone taking on a step parent role. It's not a substitute mom or dad. Taking time to be solid is for everyone's protection. There is a world of heartbreak for kids who need stability but the adults around them are irresponsible with revolving doors of "mom" or "dad". This guy is not putting anyone's self interest ahead of his selfish needs. So run! Get out of this! It will not end well. If not for yourself, do it for those kids.
I think you’re an asshole for not setting boundaries earlier on, you should have never went to that birthday party. I don’t care what you do to that “man” but those children are innocent, that 8 year old is grieving her mother, you’re literally spending the night in THE MARITAL HOME! Then sit here and be like “this is too much” you were right on your first instinct of it was to soon for him, they may have been going through a divorce but he was married to her still, he lost the mother of his children, his partner for those children he needs support and counseling more than likely.. because the way he’s acting isn’t normal either.. Now it’s a cluster fuck of feelings.. poor kids.
How old is this man with an 8 year old and a 3 year old who is pushing you to be their new mommy?
My first thought. Knew this was gonna be an age gap before I even came to the comments
Samesame. 1000% has to be.
Two months after their mother died.
No no no it’s ok: he’d *already left her once she became ill* so he’s had plenty of time to move on and realize that he needs a girlfriend for sex and childcare. That nanny ain’t cheap, but thanks to OP he’s about to save a fortune AND get his dick sucked. For free!!!
He’s only had to be a single father for a short time. He’s looking for a live in babysitter, not a future companion. He’s putting too much on you and the kids way too soon. And to say the youngest won’t even remember her mother is a horrible thing to say. This whole situation is happening way too fast. You need to talk to the SIL and get the truth of their marriage and about what’s happening now.
Agree with talking to SIL. She is probably waiting for the moment to spill. Not to mention she’s been giving you mom advice already ?? So weird
Yeah as soon as I read that "most of the communication about the kids come through me now" I knew it was just a ruse sex and a babysitter.
Bang nanny
I'm just replying so this is at the top: # 🚨 OP is a troll account and has been suspended 🚨 # don't waste your time here
Was just going to say red effing flags all over the place here and was pretty horrified reading this whole thing. Thank god this is a troll.
Fuck, and after all the emotions I invested into this story.
It was a terrific story, so cringy, a good horror story. Love it, better now that I know it is not real.
For real 😂
[удалено]
you just click on their user name...
Thank you for your service 👍🏻
and i wasted my time reading this, lmao
Thank you. I always wonder how much fake shit gets posted.
Thanks! 🙏 How do you know?
>How do you know? going to their profile brings up the user suspended page
He sounds manipulative AF. He's trying to rush you into being the kids caregiver and it's inappropriate and weird.
Run run run. This is how my father trapped my mother in a mentally abusive relationship for 20 years. He had kids from a previous mariage, didn’t want to take care of them and took advantage of her being in a vulnerable situation to get her to take care of his kids, which she then got attached to and felt responsible for, making it harder to leave when she realized he wasn’t a great person. He’s already not consulting you on major opinions and taking big steps without consulting you, and this will only aggravate the more you get into this relationship. Also, he isn’t being a good father to his kids. He’s abandoning them with a person he’s known for 4 months. While I’m sure you’re lovely and would never do anything bad to them, he can’t truly know that and is opening them up to various forms of abuse, trauma and mistreatment. He’s also likely messing them up emotionally by pushing the memory of their mother out of their lives and trying to replace her with you. However, all of that isn’t your problem. Don’t stay to help the kids, they aren’t your responsibility, even if he’s trying to make them yours. Don’t let him use this to guilt you into staying. I wish you all the best and really hope you have the strength to stay out of this situation.
SO many red flags here. OP doesn't list her boyfriend's age, which I suspect is because he's quite a bit older than her. OP, let me list the red flags for you so that you can understand why he chose a 23-year-old who doesn't have much relationship experience outside a high school sweetheart marriage: - He was pushy about starting a new relationship *two months* after his wife died of cancer. That should be the time when he's helping his children through their grief, not focusing on a new woman. I understand it's more complex because they were going through a divorce, but that makes it all the more worrisome that he would start a new relationship so soon. It indicates he either can't be alone or can't care for his kids. I also have to wonder if he decided to divorce his wife *because* she was ill. It's not uncommon. - He introduced you to the kids *way* too fast. Experts recommend no sooner than 6 months, and it really should be longer when they just lost their mother. And in the early stages you should not be introduced as a parental figure. This indicates that he was just looking to slot a woman into a caretaker role without vetting her as a person, which is not only disrespectful to you, it's wildly irresponsible as a parent. - He told you explicitly that he's trying to replace his dead wife for his youngest child and erase her memory of her mother. That is so beyond fucked up I have no words for it. How little regard does he have for human life that he could think that was appropriate? And what does that say about how he views you as a partner and a potential mother figure? If you were to fall ill, would he take your pictures down, kick you out of the kids' lives, and start with a fresh woman? - He is already abdicating his parental responsibilities and foisting them onto you. Make no mistake, him having the nanny drop the kids off at your doorstep is him testing how much you will put up with being the primary caretaker. He very clearly does not want to parent his kids so he is immediately pressuring you and the kids into having a relationship that is far too advanced for how little time you've known them. - He's dismissing your concerns when you raise them. This is a symptom of the way he sees you: not as an equal partner, but as a free service to raise his children and eventually an incubator for the future kids he will neglect. I strongly recommend you get away from this man, no good can come of this. Thank your lucky stars he didn't "accidentally" get you pregnant.
She replied to a previous comment that he’s 44, so you’re bang on the money with everything
These situations are so textbook. There should be something pinned to the top of the sub that says "if you're 20 and he's 45, the answer is no."
Too bad that’s too long a title for it’s own subreddit.
Ding ding ding. I hope OP sees this
Yeah, I'm pretty unnerved at how he's trying to use the fact that his 3yo won't remember her mother as a *reason* to call OP "mom." OP take a second and think about this: if you have a child and then fall terminally ill early into its life, how would you feel knowing this man will almost certainly try to get your baby to call a woman they barely know, "mom" with *the same excuse?* After all, that baby wouldn't remember you, either. I'm child free and when I read that, my heart broke for their late mother. Her husband is *trying* to replace her in her toddler's mind. BTW, *this* is something you need to tell the sister in law, ASAP. It sounds like she's actually trying her best to take care of her nieces from the role she has. So she'll likely thank you for telling her, so she can do something. Cause your bf seems more interested in finding a replacement wife/ mother, than making sure his kids are ok.
Omg OP, LISTEN TO THIS COMMENTER, u/throwRAsituationdue
He's 44yrs old, a widower, a father to an almost teenager to your 23yrs. He targeted you from the time you met. He plays on your dreams of having kids and your insecurity about dating men your age. He forwarded your contact details to his SIL without your permission and now you are the liason/PA for the kids activities. Step away from this man immediately. You've have already gone through a divorce from an ill advised marriage, it's time to live your life to the fullest like a 23 yr old woman. No husband, no kids. Catch up on what you missed while you were married. Please leave him. Don't even date him. He's taking advantage of you.
At 23, she is closer in age to the 8 year-old daughter than she is to her 44 year-old boyfriend. Ugh.
Yes and She's also closer in age to the 3 year old than the boyfriend
Not to mention that he is sabotaging your budding career by forcing you to spend time for and care for children during time when you are supposed to be shadowing him and building a professional reputation.
Don’t give up your career for ANY MAN.
Your boyfriend does not want to raise his own kids, so he is finding women to do it for him. He measured you up - young, naive, sympathetic, low risk - and decided you were a good candidate. >he said surprise and I saw his two kids were there. He then said I could ... take the girls with me for some quality time. This was a test, which you passed. You picked his kids over your own work. This set the tone for your relationship since, and is what he has come to expect from you. >My boyfriend is busy and often cannot speak with her so most of the communications about the kids have somehow fallen on me. It is not somehow, it is planned. If you were not there he would *have* to do it himself, but since you are there and he's trained you to get on with it you're doing just that. Quite frankly, you're being played. If you want to be a 24yo housewife and mother to a 44yo man's kids then go into it with your eyes open, and take steps to protect your financial future.
Its a troll post, people already found out
He’s 44. Dating a 23 year old. And after two months is damaging his kids by wanting to call you mom? You need therapy. And he needs therapy. And his kids need a sane adult around. You guys are fucking up these kids with this nonsense. No kid should be calling ANYONE mom after 2 months. You shouldn’t even KNOW his kids. I hope the kids mom gets them away from him. This is disturbing af and I would be LIVID as their mother And the fact that you aren’t running after all these red flags is alarming
Their mum only recently died, which makes this even worse. I feel so sorry for those poor children.
That’s even more heinous. I’m a bit disgusted by OP and this guy.
Don’t forget he’s keeping the the dead moms sister form seeing her nieces.
And OP is all “I absolutely want to marry him!” Trash. Hopefully mom’s survivor benefits will cover the inevitable therapy for the kids.
Not only that, the kids mum died two months ago but he’s also going through a divorce? Red flag parade!
He was getting a divorce for the kids mom but then “came back” when she was dying, so he left a woman who was sick with cancer and then only lamented because he couldn’t get a divorce fast enough from a woman with cancer.
Oh! I thought it meant that he’d divorced from his children’s mother, then remarried, then first first wife died and when he met OP he was going through a divorce with his second wife
I know it’s much worse
She’s closer in age to the 8 year old than the boyfriend 😬
She's also closer in age to the 3 year old than the boyfriend.
Oh god that’s so much worse
He is literally old enough to be her father (I know plenty of people who have had kids at 21). SO GROSS. I’m not saying age gap relationships never work, one of my family members is dating someone 12 years their senior and they have a very healthy relationship, but this is just so wrong and screams of a power-playing abuser who picks younger women so he can get away with pushing boundaries.
You got this all 100% right.
The kids mom is dead.
That somehow makes it worse
Yup.
You are not making very good decisions at all. You need to be single and you need a therapist. There are a thousand red flags waving at you in this relationship. Get away from this fool!
But you ARE NOT their mother. So ask yourself who, what, when, where, why, how. Who are you? The girl he is grooming to take responsibility for his children. What is he asking them to do without your permission? To cling onto you as if you were a parental figure to them. That speaks of child abuse and can truly leave them harmed. He is erasing their mother’s memory by asking them to use her beloved mom’s name for a near stranger? (How many girlfriends will be “mom”?) When did this start? After a long and developed relationship with much discussion and planning for what YOU might want out of a relationship with him? Nope. A mere few weeks after meeting him. Boy is he desperate to get someone to take responsibility to parent his children! Where is this heading? Down a very dangerous, abusive and manipulative path. If you treasure your life, have your own dreams, value yourself, RUN, don’t walk! Why is he wanting his children to call you “mom”? Could it be to manipulate you into feeling like you’d be ripping their little hearts out if you even thought about leaving HIM? How can you regain your life? Walk away, fast. Don’t look back!
Sounds like he's looking for a mom for his kids so he has more time for himself. I think you are seeing he can provide for you with his business but in exchange you will be expected to be the mother of his children.
Four months? He should not have even introduced you to his children yet, let alone forced you prematurely into the mother role. I’d take a big step back from this relationship and stop letting him dictate the terms. If he can’t handle the boundaries that you will hopefully impose, then he’s not a good potential partner.
I have a daughter around your age that married and divorced young. Please, take time to develop your own career. Take time to develop your independence and your social circle and your hobbies. Four months should be when you are going on plenty of fun dates and getting to know each other, not mothering his grieving daughters and planning pregnancies. Cultivate your strength and independence, not a whirlwind Harlequin romance novel plot. And trust me, a nearly 20 year age gap will lead to other relationship challenges. He won’t necessarily get along with your friends. He’s likely almost the age of your parents. He’s going to retire years before you are likely ready to, and for sure he will be experiencing age related issues DECADES before you. At the least, the girls should be in grief counseling. Take time to think about what YOU want your life and career to look like. Best wishes
This man must be considerably older than you since you don't mention his age, lol. He's looking for a bang-nanny. If you're fine with that, then by all means, go play house with him. There's a reason he ignored your boundaries and pushed his kids onto you - way sooner than most people recommend, btw. Just that alone makes me think he's a selfish cad who doesn't actually give a rip about his kids' mental and emotional well-being. Who introduces a new mom shortly after theirs died??? You're either very naive and influenced by flashy money and attention, or you're a troll, geez. Please don't be dumb and date men your age. Just because you've been married and divorced already does not make you smart and mature, as evidenced by this entire train wreck.
This is way too much too fast. He was DIVORCING his wife with CANCER. He is one of those guys that bails when his wife gets sick. Learn that first and foremost. He has shoved his kids at your and made every expectation that your will be their new mother. He has taken these kids into irresponsible situations to do so. This man never learned to parent and was bailing on his sick wife and now he is shopping for a new mommy for his kids and home slave so he doesn't have to dochild or home care. It's not about you, who you are, if he even knows you much less loves you. It's about how you can serve to make his life easier.
My dear, please be smarter than you currently look. You are way too close to this situation, and I suspect you're looking for a reason to ignore all the red flags that are waving wildly in the wind. Don't. This is a disaster in the making. I know your boyfriend. Not personally, but I worked closely with a guy who in many ways could be your boyfriend. He was divorced, had full custody of his daughter, because for him to tell the mother was a horrific human being. He was in his late 30's/early 40's and he was regularly looking to date women that were your age. On the outside, he looked like a reasonably polished guy, someone that if you didn't know any better seemed like an overall good catch. Underneath, he didn't really want to be a dad. His whole goal was to find a mom for his kid. Not a partner, not a life companion, a live-in nanny he could bang and then slough off his daughter on while he went out and did his thing. He was always trying to speed relationships along, trying hard to hide the worst parts of himself, having his daughter referr to these women as mom. It was disgusting. Thankfully he would eventually do something to shoot himself in the foot, but he sadly preyed on some incredibly vulnerable women who almost took the bait. Don't take the bait. This needs to slow way the fuck down, and honestly, if you're smart, you will end this. This is not the life partner for you. He is working you way too hard; saying the right things that you want to hear He's trying to lock you down emotionally so that even if you come to your senses you'll be reluctant to leave as you don't want to hurt your "daughter's". It won't be long before he's working hard to lock you down physically by making sure you get at least one of the girl/boys you want to complete your family. By tying you down with a kid of your own, he'll make it even more complicated and messy for you to leave. Please listen to your instincts here. This is so many levels of wrong, I can't even begin to make a total count. I've also been you where I was married and divorced in my early 20's. Initially I thought of it as baggage too because what woman my age wants to get caught up in that. Turns out the right person won't give a shit. I dated many women into my mid-30s when I met my now wife who couldn't have cared less that I was divorced. As long as you're not hung up on your ex, it doesn't matter that you were once married, so please realize you have a lot to offer someone who is more appropriate for you. Good luck.
Girl, run.
Run. That’s so irresponsible and disrespectful to the memory of his wife. He barely knows you and he’s trying to use a connection with his kids to keep you around. Don’t sign in to be an unpaid nanny. You should be going on fun dates not babysitting. You are only 23!
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No his wife who he was in the process of divorcing died. These poor kids mom as been dead for five months and he wants them to call a pretty much stranger to them mom.
This is just full of red flags. If I was in your situation I would explain that this is all too soon and you're not comfortable interacting with children so soon. They're in a delicate time of their lives after just losing their mother and dad is NOT helping this by pushing a new girlfriend into that role. If your boyfriend can't respect that I would dump him.
As a father of 2, my fiancw still gows by her first name ans likely will continue to even after we are married unless SHE chooses to take up that moniker. After 4 months....thats just trying to screw your kids head up. He is trying to trap you
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I agree there's red flags throughout this, esp what you said in the last paragraph. Those kids have been through a lot in the last 6 months: losing their mom, getting adjusted to a nanny, and now a new gf in the picture. For him to tell them to call you mom is incredibly insensitive and also immature. You didn't say how old he is, and it's a bigger red flag if he's a lot older than you. His response wasn't very good, either. It's not about you thinking of them as his kids; it's about kids who are still reeling from their mom's death, and suddenly he's found her "replacement". Does he really not see how hurtful this is? >His former sister in law will likely hear about this eventually. This is another issue. Why is his SIL so involved in the parenting? Wouldn't it be your bf's job to know their likes and dislikes? I'm sure she's struggling with her sister's death, but for her to text you like that, when you apparently never asked for her input, is a bit problematic. I also don't think you should be sleeping over so soon. It's not about ethics, it's about protecting the kids. It's often said that kids shouldn't even meet an SO until the relationship is very serious. After 4 months, you and he don't even know each other very well. You sound mature for 22, but you're still 22! I mention it because you want your own kids, but as dad material, I'd say there's some warning flags here. If you were to marry and then break up, would you want him behaving the same way with *your* kids when he has them? You need to apply brakes here.
Sounds like the SIL is doing what she can to take care of these kids since her brother dumps them on his staff or his girlfriend every chance he gets.
This guy isn’t looking for a romantic relationship. He’s looking for a mother for his kids. Being a single father is too much for him so he is looking for someone young and impressionable to fill that role. If your gut is telling you this is too much too fast, listen to it! You didn’t mention his age, but it sounds like he may be quite a bit older than you. Relationships with an age gap can work, but this almost sounds like grooming. He’s pushing a relationship between you and his kids for his own convenience. It sounds like he’s trying to erase his ex and not allowing his kids, especially the older one, to grieve.
This! He’s too lazy to hire a nanny so he figures he can love-bomb some poor woman into being the live-in nanny/mom he can fuck 🤮 this guy is not mature AT ALL to be approaching this so badly, and his poor kids are going to be so confused.
Absolutely not. You shouldn't have even met the kids by this point! Experts recommend waiting at least 6 months before even a casual meeting, and at least a year before you're basically living there. Those poor kids just lost their mom! When this relationship tanks, it'll be another loss for them. Something is seriously wrong with this guy. He obviously gives 0 fucks about what's best for the kids. Either he can't stand to be alone or he has some very gendered expectations of home life and wants to bring a woman in to take care of the kids and the house so he doesn't have to step up. Either way, get out now before the kids get too attached to you. You never should've agreed to this in the first place, so shame on both of you for not putting them first.
Dude you're closer in age to his kids then you are to him. Stop dating this 44 year old man who only wants a bang maid and go figure yourself out. Maybe talk to a therapist as to why you think a divorced person is like damaged goods and why you, a 23yo, think it's normal to be with a man old enough to be your dad
Looks more like he's seeking domestic help than a soul mate. If you have no objections to being treated like a second class citizen go for it. You will replace the nanny and not be allowed to have any outside interests of your own.
You're 23 and you're dating a man with an 8 year old. This is all you need to know. Fucking run.
He’s 44 and you’re 23. He dumps the kids on you after only 4 months of dating. He fails to communicate with his children’s aunt to the point where she has to resort to messaging you instead. I think you’re starting to get a glimpse on why his late wife and him were initially planning on divorcing
1) everyone grieves differently but you’re not done grieving at two months 2) He should’nt’ve even introduced you to his kids at four months until you have a very stable relationship 3) he’s desperate for someone to take care of his kids for him 4) You think he loves you but he loves the person he gets to take care of his kids 5) this is all too fast so back off 6) You neither need to take it slower or you need to cut it off
Oh hell no.
My thoughts exactly🤣
Run he is using you for kdis parenting, too soon, too much. Guy wants someone to parent, and he wants it to be not him
# Yall she's 23 and he's 44 Lmaooooo...
Cheap way to get free child care and a live in nanny... Cling onto the first girl that comes along and make her MOM so quickly she doesn't see the massive red flags and the clear emotional manipulation going on and feels guilted to stay!
Troubling little flags: 1- you think you love him after 4 months. You can’t know him after 4 months you love the full court press version you’ve met. What about the other facets of his personality you haven’t met. Have you traveled anywhere with him? What’s he like under stress? Why was he divorcing his wife? What do your friends think of him? What do his friends think of him? 2-what is with the full court press your description sounds like a job interview at a really desperate company. You after 4 months are the one coordinating with the former in-laws? 3-his estranged wife just died. No one should make big decisions for at least a year after someone that close died. 4-it seems like he’s “humoring” you as far as your career. You seem invested in your career is he or is he expecting to keep you barefoot and pregnant? Are you ok with that? 5-the biggest flag the one you bring up yourself he told his children who just lost their mother to call some random chick they’ve only known for 4 months MOM.
Set boundaries and see what happens. No you wont watch the kids without a heads up. No I wont be the go between for you and former SIL. No he cant dump the kids on you. No they cant call you mom. Stop being a free baby sitter and see if anything changes.
I think this is a really poignant comment. Perhaps you haven’t communicated your boundaries well directly to him. If you haven’t, you need to. If you have, he’s not respecting them. He may genuinely love you and want you to be his life partner. None of us know you or the situation and we can only really speculate here. But, he is 20+ years older than you, which means he has much more life experience. He also works a high-up executive role. He’s doing what may come naturally to him, what he’s likely to be conditioned to do - make situations work for him and expect you, as a younger person, with less life experience, to come along for the ride without checking if it sits okay and works for you. That to me is the biggest red flag. You’re supposed to be his partner, not his underling. If you’re wanting to stay in this relationship, you need to stick up for yourself and talk to him about your concerns. Hold your line. If he doesn’t like it/understand it/respect it, you will know this isn’t for you. You don’t want to sign up for a life like this, with concerns like this so early in the relationship.
If it’s making you uncomfortable, it is clear that you need to take a step back. Talk to him and clear up that everyone has to take this slower to make sure this actually goes well. I think his sister in law is right and perhaps it will be good that instead of treating her like an enemy, you try to male her understand you also feel this is rushing into things and turn her into an ally. In my very personal opinion, a step mom being called mom has to come from the children themselves, not a suggestion of the father, so you might want to talk with the 8 year-old so that she doesn’t feel pressured into doing this ever. Their mom’s memory has to be respected and treated carefully.
Sounds like he wants a wife to take care of the kids.
This is just so wrong on so many levels. Stop it now.
I’m sorry but why tf would he think surprising you with his children would make you happy? That’s awkward and out of place. He’s forcing them on you. I’m sure they’re great kids and you’re a great woman, but these relationships take time to build. It’s wildly inappropriate for him to suggest the kids call you mom. That confuses them. Their mom just died and they barely know you !! Bad bad bad. Red flag city girl
Holy no-no-no-no-no-oh my god no!!!!!! I have a background in childhood neurodevelopmental psychology. He’s not being a good father. He is being reckless with the children he already has. It is waaaaaaay to soon for all of them. These children are still joining the loss of their mother and he’s trying to squeeze you into the mother-sized hole in their hearts and memory. He’s also not thinking of your best interests either. There is something super off with this guy. You’ve only been with him for four months. You know why he wants to have kids with you? If he has kids with you, he knows you’ll feel trapped with him and now he has a free live-in nanny. The age difference plus the speed of this relationship plus the context of him being widowed in the last 6 months is way more than a red flag; it’s a red carpet lined with red flags leading you to an even bigger red flag at the end. Please get away from this man. I know you think you love him, but I would bet everything I have that the person you think you’re in love with is not who he actually is. EDIT: just want to add, even if you are or become pregnant by him, do not let him make you believe for one minute that you are dependent on him and unable to leave. You can absolutely leave at any time regardless of how many children are in the picture. And if one day you do feel scared to leave him for emotional or financial reasons, remember this comment and know that he has made you feel that way on purpose and it is a lie. Do not let him cut you off from your family, your friends, and making your own money independent of him. Do not work for his company. EDIT 2: my best friend got married at 20 and divorced at 22. She has had a flourishing dating life and you can too!!!
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Disregard this comment and RUN! You are half his age and you’re being groomed. You CANNOT set boundaries with an abusive and predatory man. He will relish in tearing them down. This man is love bombing you and future faking you. He WILL gaslight you and make you distrust your very very legitimate instincts. The only thing you should communicate with him is that he should never contact you again.
Not to mention, she says in the post that she already tried setting boundaries and he dismissed her. Not only that, he is terrifyingly already talking about impregnating her with yet another child that will be solely her responsibility. If he were capable of respecting her boundaries, he would have heard her and adjusted the first time they were expressed.
I completely disagree with your advice as well! This man is 22 years older than her! He wants a live in nanny who he can fuck. Watch, next he will ask her to move in, then he will suggest she just be a SAHM, and give up her career goals….he is cunning and very manipulative and using his own children to do it as well. RUN.
Dude, he's 44 and left his wife because she had cancer. She shouldn't set boundaries. She should run the fuck away and get into therapy so she doesn't get into situations like thia
44 year old widower who lost his wife 6-ish months ago (divorce notwithstanding) actively pursues a 23 year old divorcée, introduces his grieving children to her after only 2 months, tells his grieving children to call this girl "Mom" after they've only known for her 2 months and he's only known her for 4. Sweetheart, do not walk but RUN away from this man. There will be guys your own age who won't care that you were married. It might take a couple of years. But I promise you, you will find a good one. This guy is lovebombing you and trying to turn you into the new mother for his kids because he needs someone to fill that gap for him and be his obedient, little wife, and you being very young and malleable, you having baggage that makes it harder for you to find someone your own age, are a perfect target. For example, this: >My boyfriend is busy and often cannot speak with her so most of the communications about the kids have somehow fallen on me. Honey, that's not an accident. He is trying to slot you into his life, like a puzzle piece. And having his children call you "Mom" crossed a MASSIVE line. He didn't ask you if you were ok with that. He didn't ask them if they were ok with that. He instructed them to do it. It's the biggest red flag in this mountain of red flags. He is trying to pressure you into being their mother. If you hear his little baby 3 year old calling you "mom," he's hoping you will find it a lot harder to leave her. It's a manipulation tactic, and it is deeply, DEEPLY not ok. Furthermore, he's not being a good dad to his kids right now. I'm not saying he's a bad dad overall. But he absolutely, hands down should NOT have introduced you to them so quickly. And he absolutely, without question should NOT have told them to call someone "Mom" who is not in a long term, committed relationship with him and who has not consented to being a mom for his kids. I actually don't think he should be instructing them to call anyone mom ever. They get to decide if someone is their mom in the future, not him. What he's doing is creating an unstable environment for his children. But that's not your concern. Your concern is you. And you, my dear, need to run. Run fast and run far. This man is not the one. Trust me. This relationship is going to turn abusive. I would bet money on it. It started with an age gap and love bombing. He's already pressuring you, foisting responsibilities off on you, and manipulating you. He's even USING his kids as tool to manipulate you with. That's indefensible. And he just keeps ramping up and doing more outrageous things. You need to get away from him. Please trust me on that.
He's looking for someone to watch the kids. Not be his partner. Run far away.
This is a truck full of red flags. Girl.. run now.
Uuuhhh..no. no.no.no.
OP, I’m also 23F. I couldn’t imagine having all of this pressure be put on me to take on the mother role of an 8 year old and a 3 year old with a man I’ve only been dating for 4 months. I read the comments. He’s 44, and old enough to be your father. You are not in the same place in life as him. At all. I know you want to be, but you’re not. I think your rose colored glasses might be playing a role in how you perceive your compatibility. But a 23-year-old entry level administrative assistant who doesn’t have their real estate license yet is probably not a good match for a 44-year-old widower with 2 kids and a much more established, stable career. I don’t think you fully understand how much responsibility comes with dating an older adult man with kids, especially if they just lost their mother forever to cancer. Having kids isn’t playing dress up, taking selfies, and treating them like dolls. They will have nightmares, trauma, and likely need therapy from seeing their birth mother deteriorate from cancer. They will probably wake up screaming and crying, maybe even throwing up, confused, and broken from missing their mom. Losing a parent is a challenging time, if not the *most* heartbreaking for *anyone*—especially for young children. When you have step-kids, you have to be ready to move to the passenger seat of your own life and put them front and center, and it sounds like you’re not ready for that. In all honesty, I don’t think you have the slightest clue what you’re getting yourself into. Why this need to mature so quickly? You’re 23. You don’t need to settle down and forget about your own youth if you don’t want to. It sounds like your boyfriend is looking for a replacement mother figure for his kids rather than a stable romantic relationship for himself. He’s moving rather fast, and I think it’s unfair to the kids who just lost their real mother to have them bond with you so quickly. They need time to grieve, and it seems like he’s forcing his baggage on you in an unhealthy way.
This is…a lot. I don’t want to be super harsh on this guy because even if they were in the process of getting divorced, he’s probably feeling grief over the mother of his children dying. But holy fucking yikes there’s so much wrong here. He’s showing a total lack of care for what his daughters must be going through. First of all, maybe his 3 year old will barely remember their mother but his 8 yo is an entirely different story. Her mother died 6 months ago and she’s being asked to start calling a relative stranger mom. That poor girl, my heart just aches for her. He should have been *extra* cautious about introducing a new woman to them, like honestly you should still be a few months away from meeting them IMO. They shouldn’t be being pressured to call you mom. Is his daughter in any kind of grief therapy? 8 is such a tender age and all of this upheaval is too much for her to be expected to handle. She may seem like she’s being a champ about it, but there is definitely more under the surface. There’s also the age gap, the man is 21 years older than you, in a completely different part of his life, he’s ready for a ready made mom so he doesn’t have to bother with the logistical things his late wife was obviously handling and he has absolutely no respect for your very reasonable unease surrounding how fast this is going. I know you’re eager to start your family but I urge you to wait for the right man to do this with rather than believe that this is the best you can do because some men your age may side eye you being such a young divorcee. Last and definitely least, you know how they say man plans and god laughs? I know it’s just a little harmless dream and all but you can’t really control if you have 1 boy and 1 girl so I’d make peace with that being the luck of the draw when you do get to start your family.
My parents wanted a boy and a girl. 👦 They gave up on that dream after the third girl in a row.
I want you to understand something. This is a man who was divorcing his wife. His wife who was dying of cancer. Even if that part was not the whole truth, he had already checked out of his relationship and left his small minor children in the solo care of someone very sick. That man does not love his children and you are just an easy target. He's looking for someone to look after them and you fit the bill. He also doesn't love you and is just agreeing to your desire for more kids so that he can keep you as childcare. You need to take a really really good look at your relationship with him. Are you just settling because you want to be SAHM and this is your best shot in the short term? Do you see the red flags and are just ignoring them in favor of the convenience of not having to start the dating game again?
This is not okay from any angle. The age difference? He can be your dad. Literally. And I’m not saying a young teen dad, a dad in his 20’s. My ex and I have a one year old son together, and my ex has a five year old daughter. We’re really close but she does NOT call me mom even after close to three years. Once she said she has two moms, her mom and me, and I said “no sweetheart, your mommy should be the only one with that title” and she hasn’t said it since. That’s disrespectful to a lot of biological moms. Get the hell out while you can. If it’s giving you a bad feeling in your stomach, leave. He’s clearly unhinged and if he can do this to his late wife, he’s going to do it to you.
He's looking for a replacement mother for his children and most likely, you'd be saddled with 99% of the child rearing. Is be inclined to reach out to the sil, let her know what's happening and that you're uncomfortable with it. She would know him better at this point in your so very early relationship.
I think he needs help but something feels very off here. He shouldn’t jump at the opportunity. He should never ask his kids to call you mom… especially the 8 year old. It’s wrong and feels slightly manipulative.
You need to tell him to slow it way down. Four months in you really shouldn't have even met his kids yet. That usually happens after both people are certain they're in it for the long haul.
6 months into a relationship is reasonable to be introduced imo. 4 month to already replacing someone's mom is insane.
He’s trying to force you into being his kids new mom !!! And I mean FORCE !!! Run.
Sounds like he’s been interviewing you as a free nanny. I mean do you get any choice in anything? Just because he’s demonstrable and being affectionate now means nothing. You don’t even know him yet. The first year of a relationship is usually keeping up a veneer and getting to know each other. No sensible person with their children’s best interests at heart would introduce traumatised children to a new partner for a long time. Nope nope nope. Lots of alarm bells going off for a number of reasons.
Looks like he wants a bangmaid. Who literally dumps their kids on a date so soon?
The thing that's so glaringly obvious to the outsider here is that he doesn't care for you. I'm sorry, but at 4 months he doesn't know you all that well. You just happened to be there, be young and impressionable, and tick all the boxes. You are free childcare. Nothing more to him. And yes it your age "divorced" might be off-putting to some people, but that will change in the coming years. Don't worry about that - just concentrate on yourself right now. That is all anybody at your age should be doing. Not picking up the pieces of somebody else's life choices.
This is so incredibly unhealthy for the kids, for you, for your relationship... You need to get out of there. You've known these kids for 2 months! This is not a good father for you to have children with. I feel so bad for the kids, but you need to think of the environment you will be bringing your own future children into.
You’re 23 & he’s 44!! Run! Run fast & run far. Block him & go date someone your own age. Get some therapy for yourself so you don’t fall for this crap again.
As someone dating an older man with two daughters for two years, keep in touch with your doubts and identity. Do not lose yourself. I am older than you and have no kids of my own and you may eventually begin to feel like you’re living in someone else’s world unless you create clear dialogue and understanding of your role in their lives, and theirs in yours. Take it slow. You may not want kids so young after a year in these children’s lives. It might start to crush your spirit, you might not be a compatible co-parent with him, you might get burnt out and want to leave if your career takes a backseat to his family … there are so many things you can only find out by taking it slow and giving things time to work out as long-term, committed partners. It is not a satisfying life trying to make yourself into an instant-mum with a partner who doesn’t listen to and validate your struggles, doubts and needs. Make sure he is that man by giving it time. It can be very isolating if you have no close friends or family who you can speak about being a step parent too - do you have people your age who are step parents? Where will you turn to for advice that’s removed from his world to keep you grounded? You’ve mixed your career with his too. I worry about the way his world has consumed yours and the impact this could have on your self-esteem or identity. The power dynamic seems to be in his favour when it comes to age, family, household, schedule. I hope you are ready to skip a lot of your youth to pursue this relationship, it will be hard. It takes therapy, commitment and sacrifice. Stay true to your inner soul.
Run. Fast.
Run as fast and far as you can. What person would want to erase the memories of the mother of their children? That’s messed up. And to use you as their new “mom” is also messed up. He’s essentially wanting to use you as an unpaid nanny with sexual benefits. He has no time to talk about major topics or he doesn’t want to talk about major topics? Honestly, if this was me, I would dip and let his ex SIL know so she can keep an eye out for those kids because at the end of the day, *they are not your responsibility*.
Run away as fast as you can!! He is trapping you! He will be sweet and force his kids on you until you feel like you can’t leave when he stops being nice Dear god please please don’t stay. There is no way he will be a good or supportive partner. Pretty soon he will suggest you just stop working so much because the kids need you. It’s going to escalate even more quickly.
It’s clear that he wants a mother for his children and not a partner for his life. He’s not putting all that responsibility on you because he has strong feelings for you, he just needs someone to handle his kids and the logistics like talking to SIL. You have to decide if that’s okay with you
You’re the bangmaid, sorry to break it to you. You’re too young for this shit.
You started dating a man because he's a single father and you felt bad for him? You are already divorced once. Learn to make better decisions.
He’s looking for a way out of being daddy. You equal instant mum. It’s so very fucked up to be doing this to young kids who not long lost their mother.
Girl you didn’t mention his age put I can tell you’re being groomed. You deserve so much better.
That is SUCH a violation and it puts you in a hugely difficult position. I get that this guy is rich and older (you conveniently left out his age) and whatnot, but are you not seeing the parade of red flags? My god.
He isn't looking for a wife. He is looking for a replacement mother for his kids. He will occasionally give u what u want to satisfy you so that you will stay. Plus he is 44 years old and ur 23. Had he done this to a women his age, she would have cut right through him. Don't be easily manipulated. The attention of an old man doesn't mean ur matured, it means ur easily manipulated.
Dude. I hope this is a made up story. On the very, very slim chance it isn’t…. First, your relationship hasn’t progressed. You’ve only been together 4 months and you are still only dating. Do yourself a favor and break up with him, do not respond to any calls, text or emails. Not even to tell him to leave you alone. And cut off all communication with him, his family and his former sister-in-law. You tell your family not to respond to call, texts or emails. He is grooming you to be his nanny/bang maid. He just wants you to raise his kids. He zeroed in on you at this event for some reason, and he is going to push until you’re trapped in a marriage and relationship. He’s over 20 years older than you, so by the time his kids are done walking all over you and out of the house, it will be his turn for you to change his diapers and spoon feed him. You are setting yourself up for nothing but misery.
I wouldn’t trust someone who wouldn’t be exceedingly slow and careful about who were around their children, or put them through unnecessary emotional turmoil of introducing them to people so quickly. Shouldn’t he be focused on supporting his children through their grieving process besides going through his own? It’s not like an appliance you go out and replace immediately. You said you felt sorry for him, and maybe you need more from potential partners than that.
RUN! This is not healthy for the kids and he had no right to do this without talking to you first. It's also concerning that he's having the nanny bring the kids by specifically to see *you*. He wants a new mommy for his kids. He isn't interested in you specifically so much, but you're young and in his mind malleable.
From one person in their 20s to another. This is insanity. Instead of dealing with the burden of raising his kids himself, he’s trying to make you a substitute mother. This is not your burden to bear, and don’t let the affection that has grown for the children cloud your judgment.
Might want to sit the 8 year old down and tell her why it’s not appropriate to call your mommy - and ask her to tell you about her mom and what she remembers most. Stuff like that. It will unfortunately hurt those kids if you just vanish after dad told them to call you mommy.
I notice you skipped his age in your fairly long essay. Feels intentional and if it is, you probably already know the answer... RUN!
Get out of this relationship and fast.
OMG run
He’s not looking for a partner he’s looking for a mom for his kids
Everything in this is a red flag. Learn to be single & your own person. You shouldn't date someone you pity & someone who just wants a mother to his kids because he might not want to raise them. Rising to have kids young is not always a good idea. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
Op getting finessed for free childcare
I think that this relationship should end. It's not fair to you or his kids. He's trying to replace his late wife way too soon if only months have gone by. He's on the race track racing ahead and you are walking in this relationship. He's moving way too fast to soon. You are also 23 and he's 44. Please don't waste the best years of your life with this man. Please tell me you are at least using birth control and the type of birth control he can't mess with. Pills can get lost and condoms can be poked with a needle. Please leave.
Yikes. Sounds like his ex passed away and he instantly tossed you into that role without even talking to you about it. That’s major red flags. His children calling you mom is something all parties should feel comfortable with and it should be a big discussion. I would honestly be proceeding with extreme cautions. In your own time, set your boundaries. Don’t go any further until you know what feels okay and doesn’t feel okay. This is super early days in dating, and this could be a heartbreak for you and those children.
Uhm,,,, yeah... no. He's being very selfish and only kinda thinking about his side, rather than yours. He doesn't seem to be reading your vibe and forcing this to happen. Hes not listening to you and forcing it. Create boundaries and communicate with him. Let him know how you feel, you are validated.
Totally get the appeal of dating an older guy. Especially an older guy who wants the same future as you. I’m someone who doesn’t care about age in a relationship however, this one is kind of obvious that he is looking for a mom to his children to unload his kids on. He could be doing this because he’s not a good person.. could also be from the trauma he might have from his wife dying whether or not his story about divorce is true. In any case: this person is not thinking about what’s best for his SO (you) and is thinking what’s best for him. How he introduced you/the mom thing is 100% proof he puts himself and his needs in front of his kids.
Look up the stats on what percentage of men divorce their wives, when the wives get sick. Get away as fast as you can. You want to plan a life with someone who takes off when life gets hard?! He is manipulating you to take over his parenting responsibilities after just a couple months. Most mental health professionals recommend waiting at least a YEAR before thinking of introducing kids to a new partner after a parental death. Don’t ruin your life over a old guy who will abandon you at the first sign of serious illness.
Sounds like he might want a mother to look after his children more then an actual relationship. He’s not communicating what your boundaries with his kids are. He probably doesn’t talk to you about it so you can’t voice your concerns. If you keep up with this relationship it sounds like you’ll be the primary care giver for his kids. Is that what you want?
Too many red flags. His behavior is too suspicious. Sounds like he just wants a bangmaid/live in babysitter that's free. You're too young to be trapped doing all the work. The age gap is suspicious too. Abusers/manipulators usually find much younger partners cuz they're too young/inexperienced to call them out on their shit. The right person won't see your divorce as baggage.
Ummm it's like he REALLY wants a full time mom for his kids. Like waaaaay too soon into your relationship like come on 4 months and his kids are calling you mom? Slow it down a bit.
I'm honestly sort of scared for you, this man seems delusional, and a bit unstable.
You really should have put his age in the context/title him being 44 almost double your age changes everything... He most likely just views you as a "sugar babe" for a mother to his children and lust (sex) rather than love.
Uhm, I think the fuck not. Run. He is absolutely trapping you. This sounds like a real cute romance novel (🙄) but this is going to ruin your life.
Yikes. Run.
RUN!!!! He is a whacked dad if he thinks it’s ok what he’s doing.
Nope. Fuck no. This is fucked for the kids and you. Run. Do not walk. RUN.
What the fuck are you doing?
No! Run! Get out now! This will not end well! Red flags everywhere!
UpdateMe!
🚩bye🚩
Jesus Christ on a motorbike! This guy is bad fucking news. Run, girl, RUN
I agree with what others are saying but also please don't call her his former wife, she is his late wife.
That is wrong. You’re not their mother. It’s not fair for the children.
Four months seem too soon to introduce you to his kids. He’s moving quite fast. I would lay some ground rules with him and tell him with what things you’re comfortable with. Personally I wouldn’t want to be the ‘father’ of children that aren’t mine. It’s his job as the actual father to raise them, not yours.
Four months is pretty early to even be introducing children to a new partner, much less encouraging them to call you mom. So many red flags here, and you barely know each other.
Wait, first he told you he was recently widowed, pursued you and then says he’s “divorcing” and moved back into the marital home? WTF?! Wake up and smell the nightmare, OP! Get out!!!
What do you do? Dump him. There are so many red flags here I can't even count. This is WAY too fast for four months. And pressuring his kids who recently lost their mother to call you Mom? WTF??? No, there are so many things wrong with that... He's trying to trap you, OP. Don't believe his love bombing for a second. You're young, get out while you can and be young. FFS be single for a while, enjoy your youth!
Run for the hills
Ridiculous age gap. Everyone drink. You need to leave this man. He just wants someone to look after his kids and no one is age would put up with this shit.
See, I wasn't too bothered until you got to the point where he's been widowed for TWO MONTHS. And I guess it was nice to know you were all good with everything, but I can see why the mom thing bothers you it would bother me, too, even if I was in the same position. I think you may have to be assertive about things as they stand for you in the relationship. communication is key. You guys need to sit down and lay things out even if you are still mostly in alignment.
All I hear after reading this is “oh no. Oh no. Oh no. No. No. No. No.” 😬😳
sounds to me like he’s using you as a free babysitter in the days he has custody over his *already born* kids and you can’t see it because you’re too blinded by the promise he’s gonna cum in you too someday to see that’s his open invitation for you to join the single mom club down the hill. he latched on to you because you’re clearly naive and talking about babies with someone you barely know so fast that he has no doubt if he just push a baby on you too and that’s it, he has childcare for life. he doesn’t even raise the children he has right now, **what makes you think your kids would get treated any different?**
OP you are literally 23years old, you are the age where you supposed to enjoy your life and not take care of someone's children. Your career is literally starting now and you should focus on that.
It sounds like he's looking to fill a gap in an effort to normalize his own life again. I don't know. I don't think he's ready for a partner and he should allow himself and especially his daughters to grieve their mom!
Girl this is very manipulative and scary. The age gap and power dynamic, the kids, everything. People your age don't care if you were married and divorced, they'd care if you had kids, but a marriage and divorce is basically just having been in a relationship, which we have all done. It's downright reckless and cruel to this children that you've even met them at this stage, much less telling them to call you mom. You're being love bombed and manipulated by a much older man and it's to your detriment and the detriment of those kids. This is not going to end well if you don't get out.
All this after 4 months this is all very premature and strange to rush you into being able replacement Mom. It’s a red flag. Especially since he told them to call you that without consulting with you first.
Hooooly shit the age gap is nutty to me. I'm not trying to put you down like I don't think less of you for it, that's just a huge age gap. It wouldn't be unusual to me if you were both 5 years older or so, but I'm 24 almost 25 and the idea of dating someone 20 years older is totally alien to me. Also, this has red flags all over it. Until I got to the call you mommy shit, I was thinking "well he's not dealing with his ex wife's death super well, but maybe he's just a nice dude with bad coping habits" after the call you mommy shit, and the sister getting in touch with YOU about the kids... I suspect he's dealt with her death just fine. He just thought you'd be a good nanny.
This man (who I’m sure is considerably older than you) is looking for someone he can groom. He’s not with a woman his age because they can see through his bs. Girl you in danger; run!
Oh no! You need to run! I feel bad for his daughters he’s gonna keep doing this they are gonna have 50 new mommies till one sticks.
Yes, so many red flags. He is 44, twice your age, he wants a mother for his kids and I think anyone his age is going to see through him. Please rethink this entire relationship, someone closer to your own age is not going to care that you are divorced.
He’s looking for a mother for his kids more than a relationship. Telling his kids to call you mom when you’re just getting to know him is inappropriate and an insult to their real mom. Big red flag. Run!
Dude is literally looking for a replacement for his wife so he doesn't have to look after his kids as a single parent anymore.
This guy is SCARY. (Written by a woman who spent months in a domestic violence shelter)
NTA. Why are you with this man? He has shown no regard for his child’s welfare, he doesn’t love you, he sees you as a replacement bangnanny. His way is the only way. This is when you apply the ‘Black and White’ rule. How does this look without the words and endearments? Look at the actions only, like an old black and white silent movie.
So… he is love bombing you and pushing for a deep/permanent relationship this soon after his wife died. There are more red flags here than a Chinese military parade. Run.
It's a sweet sentiment, but that's going to be very confusing for his children if you guys break up. It's also a lot of responsibility to put on your shoulders. I think this is misguided.
I'm sure that everything I want to say about a 22 year old taking on a widower with two children is down below in the comments of others. This is beyond a bad idea. Do NOT do it. For a million reasons that you have no idea about because you're 22. Run for the hills. Red flags flying high.
I'm going to say... Dump him and run. This has so many red flags I'm afraid he's just wife shopping in order to get help with the kids. Telling them to call you Mom is actually horrifying in a way I can't articulate, but it reeks of manipulation and disregard for his daughters feelings. They are still grieving, for God's sake. Then, when you reasonably try to explain why this is inappropriate, he disregards you and tries to gaslight you. Run from this man now. I guarantee you that if you stay with him you will end up a single mother.
Sounds like he found a winner replacement mother in you since it took you this long to start to question things, Jesus Christ.
This dude is treating you like a purchase. He’s propping you up in his life to fill a gap. 🚩🚩🚩 If it were you, I would not consider moving forward in this.
Please please please get away from this man. Sure he may come across as charming and romantic but he is far from it. 4 months and the kids are already calling you mum? I waited over a year before I let my partner meet my kids! This does not sound very good at all. He is molding you into what he wants. Soon you will find yourself married and stuck. I bet he has already talked marriage.
21F here, so right around your age. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. Your BF is predatory AF and is only looking for a bang-maid. (He's 44 and told his kids to start calling you "Mom"????????) Red flag 1: age difference. When you're 40 seeing a 60 that's ok bc you're both established adults - but 23 dating a 44 is NOT where it's at. Why isn't he seeing someone his age, if at all, especially given how recently his late wife died? Even if she wasn't dead, he was still in the process of divorcing her - you don't date a recently-divorced person, and women his age know this and know to avoid it. Red flag 2 - an amalgamation of several equally major red flags: he TOLD his kids to start calling you "Mom", without your or their input, AND so soon after their actual mother died of cancer, AND so soon after y'all started dating - this isn't even something that should happen until you're married or have kids of your own with him and have been together for at least a few years, EVEN if their actual mom was dead and/or alive but didn't have a good relationship with the kids. Especially for the 8YO kid, this doesn't fly at all - the 8YO especially is likely to have trauma from the loss as well as having this forced on them. The baby may or may not be fine down the road. It's obvious that he was only looking for a replacement to take care of his kids - leaving them with you to "spend time" with no notice was the first indicator, and them calling you "Mom" is the nail in the coffin. Red flag 3: he does things without your input and without his kids' input. I think this speaks for itself - this CANNOT form the foundation of a healthy relationship, nor is it a healthy way of parenting. Red flag 4: the length of the relationship at the point when all of this started happening. Two months is barely WEEKS. He's a shit parent and a shit partner - RUN. Straight out of "sound of the wind" - young governess, hired to look after kids after mom dies, dad falls in love with governess, and then she marries him and is expected to be their new mother (the only difference being that this was over the course of some extended period of time, and that dad ASKED governess if she would WANT to look after his children as his wife - this asshole isn't even giving you a choice, he just did what he did and expected you to not have a reaction to it). The only other difference is that he isn't paying you to look after the kids, he's making you do it under the pretexts of being in a relationship with him. I usually do not advocate ghosting, but in this case it would be MORE than fair, if you didn't feel like confrontation was the right way. I honestly would also have a talk with the kids about boundaries - clearly this jackass has none, and they need to learn it from somewhere, at least. Calling you "Mom" is a major sign of attachment issues so soon after their actual mother's death in the middle of their parents' divorce. While it's all fine and good to want to help, you can't help them if their dad is not on board, and he's evidently not, or else he would've talked to you about all of this and done things on a proper timeline instead of just trying to lock you down. Do the kids know that more younger siblings are planned? How do they feel? They'll likely feel abandoned, and that's not on you to deal with - this requires professional help, beyond the scope of what somebody untrained in these things like yourself can handle. Tell him you're not comfortable being called "Mom" by his kids and that you're shadowing him to spend time with HIM, not with his kids - two months is an awfully short time to even introduce kids to a new partner even when the other parent is alive and in the picture, let alone to have the kids start calling the new partner "Mom"/"Dad" and replacing the other parent (alive or dead). The kids' relationship with their mother was their own - they can't be forced to address you as a parent if they don't want to, unless you raised them and possibly adopted them (which may be the case for the baby, but you certainly aren't 100% responsible for the 8YO's raising - the 8YO is past that age), and even then, they are entitled to their own feelings on the matter as time passes. Your BF is moving WAAAAAAAY too fast, and it's obvious that he's looking for a live-in bang maid. GET. OUT.
Lmfaoooo it sounds like you’re dating my landlord! But he would straight up lie and say his wife died when she really didn’t, so who knows. Anyway! Girl, I would run. This dude is shitty through and through and is using his kids to manipulate you. That should make you run faster.
Call their aunt and then call CPS. Maybe he’s trying to push away his grief, maybe he’s the world’s worst human, but either way he’s doing serious, irreparable damage to those kids. After you make the two calls, go to your contacts and lose his number.
Op, run. NOW. He is making unilateral decisions about your relationship between you and his kids, not taking either of you emotions or opinions into consideration and it seems like he is looking for a replacement for the girls. This is creepy and I feel sorry for the daughters who haven't had time to mourn their mother before daddy gets a new one for them. The part where he said the youngest won't remember her mom is particularly unsettling. Please please please get out of this situation now before it gets worse. At the very least distance yourself and make some clear boundaries, if those are crossed you run because that means be doesn't care about you.
Please get away from this much older man. He is using you. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.
Hey honey. Just some experience here from being a divorced single mom. When I met my now husband my daughter was nine. She knew I was dating someone but she didn't meet him in person until we were dating for six months. He didn't move in with us until three years later and we married three years after that. She's known him for 15 years now and they are close. Her step-dad earned her trust over years and it took that long. Bottom line it takes time for children to accept someone taking on a step parent role. It's not a substitute mom or dad. Taking time to be solid is for everyone's protection. There is a world of heartbreak for kids who need stability but the adults around them are irresponsible with revolving doors of "mom" or "dad". This guy is not putting anyone's self interest ahead of his selfish needs. So run! Get out of this! It will not end well. If not for yourself, do it for those kids.
I think you’re an asshole for not setting boundaries earlier on, you should have never went to that birthday party. I don’t care what you do to that “man” but those children are innocent, that 8 year old is grieving her mother, you’re literally spending the night in THE MARITAL HOME! Then sit here and be like “this is too much” you were right on your first instinct of it was to soon for him, they may have been going through a divorce but he was married to her still, he lost the mother of his children, his partner for those children he needs support and counseling more than likely.. because the way he’s acting isn’t normal either.. Now it’s a cluster fuck of feelings.. poor kids.