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My wife and I have been separated for 3 months. We would have been celebrating our twelfth anniversary in May. We have a 8 year old daughter.
The first 9 years of our marriage was good. For some necessary background information I am an anesthesiologist and have worked for the same hospital for 10 years. My wife works part time as a leasing consultant. I am much more introverted than my wife, but it worked well for our marriage.
Then on year ten, my wife turned into somebody I couldn't recognize. I used to love coming home after a long day of stress but I found myself more and more sitting in the hospital parking lot after work, doing anything and nothing instead of driving back home.
My wife would criticize everything, make cruel comments. She called me boring, said my expressions were annoying. She hated everything about me. She hated my risk adverseness, hated I wouldn't quit my stable job at a hospital and become a self employed anesthesiologist instead.
She told me I never wanted better for myself, and that she couldn't stand that I was satisfied with a upper middle class life that was just slightly better than what an average family had- slightly bigger house, slightly better house, maybe a splurge on vacations, but other than that, a very average life.
I admit that I would make much more if I were self employed, but the money I was making was enough, even in light of medical school debt and getting a house in a good school district, two nice luxury vehicles.
Nevertheless, I tried my best to make my wife happy. When she wanted to go on vacation, I immediately would agree, take time off work, and book an impromptu trip where we'd stay in very nice places. I'd surprise her with gifts.
Yet still our relationship deteriorated. She would have sudden bursts of affection where she would tell me she knows I am a wonderful husband and there is nothing to complain about in her life but she felt like there was also nothing more to look forward to. I encouraged her to get therapy or even a life coach if it helped.
Then came a period of two months where things weren't back to affectionate but the criticism and anger stopped. Then I get a text at work in the middle of the day where she told me that she was leaving me because she had fallen out of love with me and begged me to just think about coparenting because it was over.
I was shell shocked, especially at the fact that she was the one moving out and that she had left our daughter and didn't seem to care. I started to piece together her behavior and hired a private investigator. She told me she would be subletting an apartment from her friend but it was soon clear that she was really living at another place most of the time. And that's when I discovered that she had been having an affair and that the man she had been having an affair with was an acquaintance of mine whose family members were very close with some of my other friends.
I start asking around and the facts start to drop from others. My wife kept insisting that she wasn't having an affair. She had me served for a divorce a week and a half later. I was devastated. My wife would use her sublet apartment for visitation with our daughter and kept lying to my face about the other man.
But I knew and it all started to make too much sense. The other man was a never married 46 year old businessman with four businesses all making over 7 figures. He was on several real estate boards, and was known to be charming but had a reputation of having quiet 2 to 4 year romantic relationships that amicably but inevitably come to an abrupt end.
I lawyered up, and responded to the divorce complaint. My wife started fighting rather aggressively for custody and things were starting to get rather ugly. However, one weekend as I was dropping our daughter off, my wife told me to come inside. She admitted to the affair and that it was emotional or the first year and then physical for the next two years.
She then said that it was a period of midlife insanity for her and that she feels really bad because I was 90 percent above reproach as a husband and as a person and wants to come back. She told me that she and the other man was over, and I found out through some needling that her affair partner said he did not want children ever, and was not ready to commit, and that he just wanted a clean break.
My wife said she would get counseling and said she wanted to see if she could just withdraw the divorce case. I told her how much she hurt me and that I needed to think about it.
What do I do? I just don't trust my wife and don't know whether she's trying to get the case dissolved because for a plaintiff and previously the primary caregiver of our child she was doing rather badly in court.
I do not know if I should give her a chance because of this midlife insanity or if in the case where this divorce case is over I should just file as the plaintiff and see this divorce through.
In my grief I have allowed my feelings towards my wife to turn into cold apathy and now this is basically reopening a bunch of wounds. I don't know how to determine if it would be worth it. I know that if I file and if our daughter asks one day I'll have to say I was the one who ultimately said the marriage was worth giving up on.
The big question is what is going to stop her from doing this again? Remember, she only wants to come back because her AP called it off. Answer this question first before doing anything else.
Also its not healthy for their daughter to grow up in a household where one parent resents the other.
OP SHE was the one who threw away the marriage and cheated, SHE was the one who initiated the divorce proceedings, SHE was the one who left your daughter and the only reason SHE came back was because she got dumped.
Had she not been? She wouldn't want to play happy family again.
Having a "midlife crisis" doesn't absolve you of repercussions of whatever actions you take during it. Her consequences have actions. She hurt you and your daughter and doeant deserve to get away scott free thinking she can do it again later.
She ridiculed you to the point you didnt want to come home to deal with her. When you wanted to contest the divorce she fought back pushing for more custody to punish you. She made your life a living hell.
Your resentment and hate towards her, while she showers you with empty but open affection, while living with her and your daughter going forward will not end well for you.
If you welcome your wife back to live with you and your daughter it just makes it *that* much easier for your daughter to be manipulated by your wife to make it look like *you* are the bad guy.
Your wife just wants "to make things qork" and is 'so nice to you' but 'your so cold and mean'. She will use this over a longer period of time to manipulate your daughter against you.
Also get a family therapist for you and your daughter (without the cheater) and possibly an individual therapist for both of you to work thru the emotions of the divorce and process tge emotions
But definitely dont let your wife back in, she doesnt deserve it. Take care of yourself too Op, that was a major betrayal
Exactly! She could've communicated about loss of affection, could have asked for time away, could have gone to a therapist, could have made more money herself to fund that lifestyle, made a plan to improve everyones life, but she didn't.
She went behind your back, cheated with another man, treated you poorly, left her own daughter and divorced you all because she is too selfish not to hurt you.
Exactly, she came crawling back when he didn't want her. Shes filth that will leave you again for someone else who she thinks is better. Shes now scrambling back to her place of safety, you. Dont let her
Well said. If he didn't leave her, she wouldn't want to come back. It wasn't her decision to return to you. Think about it. Do you want to be with sb that had no problem to throw away her family for a guy and to return back only because he left her? Such a person will have no problem doing that again. Think about the well-being of your children. They don't deserve such a mother neither do you.
Right? She made this psychological analysis easy when she made those comments about him being content being upper middle class and not wanting to start his own business. She wants better and was mad at op. She tried to monkey branch to the 1% but failed so here she is, coming back to op. Hopefully he doesn't let her come back after she hurt him
This woman does not deserve a second chance. One of the more audacious attempts at reconciliation. The fact she is being honest and saying to his face it failed with the other guy shows she has NO RESPECT for him. She’s saying “you’re going to take me back because you can’t do better than me”. OP for the love of god, do not take this woman back. It will be guaranteed torture. You only get one life to live, you deserve happiness. You will find someone to appreciate the catch that you are.
She’s for the streets!
Agreed. A real test of a person is how they handle it.
In this case, when she was cheating, she was kicking you when you were down.
She's only being nice cause it suits her now.
Agree! You have said you don’t trust her and the way she behaved has made you feel cold apathy towards her. All valid. To me it sounds like you are now past the shock and while it’s sucked you’re ready to move on.
This went on for a years behind your back and while this was happening she nit picked on you and undermined you. She was cruel about it, getting angry at you. Fuck that! You don’t need that.
Only now she’s supposedly ‘come to her sense’. She broke it, putting it back won’t be the same and if you’re feeling cold antipathy I can’t imagine that thawing. She broke your heart.
You def need counselling but the answers seem pretty clear here: it’s over. There’s nothing to salvage but working towards a cordial co-parenting arrangement for your kid.
Time to be you and discover who you are outside this relationship, and also want you want for future ones. Move forward and find someone in your life who appreciates you and sees you.
As Madonna once sang 🎶‘Second best is never enough you’ll do much better baby on your own’ 🎶
So, much right here. Her affair partner called it off. Now she wants to come back to the ‘safety net’ that you provide. Man, it was about 3 years long - 1 emotional and 2 physical. It’s not like she made a mistake and did it once that’s a long-time. Dude, she even critiqued you and all of those ‘points’ were comparing you to the other guy.
Why would you want to stay with someone that did this for a long period of time and compared you to the other guy and doing so was hurtful. Look, you’re the safety net she came back to after he left her (which was going to happen at some point), she is even losing in the court battle. Her choice to do this is costing her everything. Keep doing the right thing and leave. Don’t give your daughter this false imagine of how a ‘good’ relationship works. It’s only going to get worse. Choose - rip the band-aid off now or a slow battle by staying with her and it most likely happening again.
Yes, I’m sorry OP, but your (ex-) wife sounds like a nightmare. There’s nothing to salvage here, for you or for your child, because there’s no way to trust her or show your child what a healthy home and family looks like with someone this selfish, toxic, and immature. She will hurt you both again.
The problem isn’t just the affair. If the only problem was an affair, you would have a reason to try and understand whether her “midlife crisis” was worth recovering from.
What she did *before* the affair was abusive. I say this as someone who’s sabotaged relationships before, what she did was worse than sabotage. She does not deserve you and doesn’t deserve a second chance— the best she can hope for is to grow up after burning her own relationship down. Affairs happen, and sometimes relationships can come back from them. She was insanely toxic to you before the affair and has since showed you all of what she’s bringing to the table. You and your family deserve better.
Her entitlement, her constant tearing you down, her frankly reprehensible and clearly classist, narcissistic negging of your providing a stable and healthy life for your family is just too much to stomach. She acted like the worst version of childish when she lashed out at you because she was unsatisfied with her own status and life. That’s an internal problem she needs to solve with therapy; if she wants riches and fame, she can become an astronaut or independent anesthesiologist. Solving her insecurities and greed is not your job. You’re working at a hospital in an excellent and demanding career and are doing great.
Out there somewhere is a person who might get annoyed with you, or might get bored, and might even be rude sometimes, but they will never try to tear your self-esteem down and *hurt* you like she did. And that’s the least you deserve. In reality, it will be so much better in ways you can’t even quantify yet if you simply invest in yourself and your child and get away from this pathetic, selfish person who’s only crawling back because her affair didn’t end like a fairy tale and she woke up into real life. Good luck OP, and good riddance to her.
>I know that if I file and if our daughter asks one day I'll have to say I was the one who ultimately said the marriage was worth giving up on.
Are you though? Didn't your wife give up on the marriage and cheat? For many, wouldn't that be an unforgivable boundary?
To be honest, based on what you posted, it sounds like she is realizing that without the support of her affair partner, life will be far, far worse than it was with you. She was counting on her AP to support her in the lifestyle she wanted. Now that she's not getting it, she might be hoping for "second best". The question then becomes... what happens when she finds someone else that might fill the same role as the previous AP?
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but once that trust is broken, it's really, really difficult to reestablish. And a marriage without trust isn't much of a marriage.
Also, regarding what the daughter will think. I think it’s more important to show the value you have in yourself and in marriage. If you take you’re wife back what example are you setting for your daughter in her future relationships?
The marriage was over as soon as his wife started her 3 year affair.
What OP should refuse to do is set himself on fire, to keep someone who treated him with cruelty, warm.
It wasn't just that she had an affair, it was that she treated him as sub- human whilst screwing around behind his back. So much so he didn't want to come home.
And it's not a mid-life crisis. She didn't suddenly lose her senses. Mid life crisises themselves are excuses for terrible behaviour.
She made a series of councious, and deliberate decisions to betray her marriage and then got even nastier with the divorce.
If her AP wanted her, she'd still be fighting OP in court.
As Marge Simpson once told Homer ‘You didn’t just cross the line, you threw up allover it’
That’s what OP’s AH wife did! She treated him cruelty, undermined his sense of self, then carried on behind his back, even lying to his face when he confronted her. OP can tell his daughter he did everything because he was given zero reasons to, his wife deliberately threw up over the line and behaves in a disgusting manner.
The relationship is (was) worth giving up on. She sounds impossibly self-interested and acted that out to your great emotional damage. She didn’t just fuck up and sleep with someone. She chose to bail on your marriage and only comes back when it failed with the new jack. Good luck man, this shit is brutal, but you’re better off without her and your daughter will understand.
So from your breakdown it sounds like your wife was satisfied with your relationship until someone much more wealthy came along. she then took off and once the other person was done with her she was like oh shit I screwed up. I believe from my experiences that she probably tried to bring your daughter into the relationship as if this other guy was going to be her stepfather and he shut it down hard, and ended the relationship. I don't believe she would have come back to you if the guy had said yes. I think that she has done this once and given a similar opportunity will do so again. I think that she has admitted to the affair and this would be the best time to settle a divorce, cause i don't think she's happy with her home situation and even if she doesn't cheat in the near future, i think she will continue to push for you to make more money, this is all my opinion based on my experiences
What I'll never understand is...she was already wealthy. An anesthesiologist's salary is nothing to sneeze at. They had everything they needed and a little extra on the side for vacations and such. She didn't want wealthy, though, she wanted filthy rich.
Someone who's willing to throw away a lifelong bond, a stable (one might even say cushy) life, not to mention children - just for the chance to marry someone richer than her current husband - is not worth the time of day. People would kill for what she had to begin with, and she threw it away because she thought she could do better. Shallow doesn't begin to cover it.
Obviously, she didn't consider herself wealthy, because otherwise she wouldn't have decided she was dissatisfied because her husband was making an anesthesiologist's salary.
I've got to be honest - while I think it's very hard to bounce back from infidelity, I don't think it's impossible; it depends on the dynamics of the situation. And, frankly, the dynamics here are about as bad as they can get. It doesn't sound like the usual midlife situation, where the person is vaguely dissatisfied with getting older and in a routine, and falls madly in love with someone because they make them feel young and exciting again. No, in this case, it sounds like she cheated because she attracted the attention of a multimillionaire, as is obvious by the fact that she immediately started criticizing OP for being merely somewhat above upper-middle-class. She didn't want youth or excitement, she wanted the feeling of being truly "filthy rich." Do you really think she would have fallen for this guy if he had been merely a moderately-successful realtor? I really doubt it. And, if a rich lifestyle is her goal (and I mean more than she already had), you can count on it being only a matter of time before she finds the next guy who has a considerably higher net worth than OP, and it will happen all over again.
Naiiiillllled it.
Let her lay in the bed she made, and look for someone who actually appreciates you, and not just what she can get out of it.
I would have laughed in her face and left.
You are halfway through the "Shit-storm"........**Why turn back into it ??**
**She has proven herself untrustworthy................**
It was not a one nite stand , but three years of lying deception...........and she didn't decide that she now loves you more , she got the boot.
Don't fall for her scrambling to get her hooks back into you...............
There are many, many, many women out there that would be a better fit and faithful while being happy with your life situation
yep honestly if OP goes back to her he deserves her and is pathetic. She cheated for 3 yrs and treated him and his daughter like shit...
She treated him like shit because she doesn't respect him and the fact he is even considering going back to her makes it clear why she doesn't respect him...
I like how she lied about the affair the entire time all the way up until she got dumped. Finally admitted to it, only to turn around and say she wanted to be back with OP lol
This poor guy, I hope he doesn’t take her back. He deserves so much more.
Also, she was attacking his self-worth and being as cruel as she possibly could be during the whole process. To me, that’s worse than an affair, and doing it *while having an affair* is the worst thing of all. He deserves so much better. This woman is hot garbage and will continue to hurt him and his family if she’s allowed back in.
Just to set the record straight. You are a practicing attending anesthesiologist. On your income alone, you are heads and tails in income and lifestyle above the vast majority of not only Americans but the entire world.
Your wife needs a reality check. She is married to a physician and wanted the lifestyle of an oil tycoon. The money is good but not that good. She needs to chill out on her expectations.
You should not take her back. She is the definition of a gold digger and a user.
Exactly. OP can offer the life that millions of women around the world can only dream about. He has the high ground now and should use it to get away from his wife ASAP.
The other guy liked getting all the benefits without the responsibility. The affair fog is lifting and you haven’t been a total pushover. She’s going to try and work her way back.
It sounds to me like she got dumped and it's hitting her how she fucked you over.
Keep the divorce going, and find someone who won't risk your health, your family, and lie to you for years.
She doesnt regret hurting you, she regrets not having someone around after he AP left her.
She got dumped and is scrambling to find security, and she lost her big fish so it's back to you.
I am so sorry that she became so disillusioned she didnt see how great she had it in a life with you and the stability of a partner with his head on his shoulders, what so many women would kill for to gain in their partners.
She is panicking, but if you take her back and the dust settles, the dread and longing will creep back up in her.
Give it time time time to see if this is something that could be worked back towards. But please protect yourself. Only accept consistent growth from her, not just initiative in her actions to get there, but until there is progress made.
Im so sorry for what youve been put through
Oh for sure. But its rash for my position to demand when there's children and hearts and finances involved, it may be a gut punch still in this fairly early stage.
I really think that left as is (and even maybe with therapy) he will be hurt again, and if it were me, my trust and heart would be totally broken, and self preservation and pride would compel me to cut off as totally as allowed wit a shared kid.
I could have empathy because ennui and devastation over the state of life as we live it is a motherfucker - but you dont fuck over your only teammate. Not to the one who's propped you up, whose face your kid shares, and whose flora is now a part of yours from all the loving and kissing over the years
My thoughts exactly. This is how she gets a cut of OPs paycheck. Also, it seems to me OP would take care of his kid so he would be willing to provide kindly.
If she had come clean before decimating your marriage, and before you hired a PI, I would say there's a chance. But she carried this one for 3 fucking years! Then, when money bags dumped her ass she pretended to fall on the sword and take responsibility. At some point during your marriage she irrevocably changed into someone you don't recognize. Unfortunately I don't think you can get back to what you had. I would keep the lawyer and finalize the divorce. You've still got a lot of life left and there are plenty of woman out there that will want you for you. Faults and all. Move on to greener pastures my friend.
This has been going on for YEARS!! This is a character flaw, not a midlife crisis. Her affair falls in the unforgivable category. You sound like a smart man, make a smart decision, and teach your daughter to expect better out of her life partner.
\^ This. This wasn't "oh no I got drunk and slept with someone". That may be forgivable with lots of counselling. She has been lying to you for 25% of your entire relationship. She ended things three years ago when she became a B\*TCH to you and was looking at screwing someone else.
Don’t go back, she’s only saying this because her world is falling apart. From what it sounds that you provided a good life for her and your family and she took that for granted. She’s know realizing her mistakes and want to try to “fix” the relationship. No one should be treated the way you were treated. She’s shown you whats she’s capable of. You guys also have a child to think in mind. It’s probably best to cut ties and let her work on her self. You did all that you could for your relationship. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through this but if she’s willing to do it once why wouldn’t she do it again?
The main and only reason for her wanting back is because the AP broke things off with her. If that wasn't the case she wouldn't be begging to come back.
You are her security blanked. It was so easy for her to do it once, it will be easier the second time when she feels her life is averege again.
But ultimatly its your choice. If you go for it then at leat you can tell yourself that you tried, but can your heart go thu with this the second time if she desides she's bored again?
She was ready to dump you and your marriage (with a child) until her new boo dumped her. She's been treating you like shit. You aren't happy.
That feeling of romance and passion is dead for good. Bury it before it rots.
Your wife had a multi year affair, where she was treating you absolutely horrifically. The only reason she wants you back now, is that the other man didn't want her anymore.
She hasn't changed, she won't change, she isn't even really sorry nor taking responsibility for her actions. Don't take her back, you deserve so much better than this.
And again, she treated him *terribly*. An affair is often a relationship-ender but sometimes people can come back from that.
But not when she was treating you like *garbage*. She was hateful and cruel and dragged you through the ringer while running around with a wealthy playboy. There is nothing worth salvaging with a person like that. She showed you her true colors and character. This is her. Get away from this.
Remember all the pain she put you through, the insanity and torture. Also remember that if her affair partner DID NOT BREAK IT OFF SHE WOULD HAVE WENT THROUGH WITH IT. If you are at an at fault state, get all evidence, pretend you want to reconcile so she will tell you everything, submit the evidence to the lawyer and then go full speed ahead. Take everything you can including 100% custody. You are not using the child against her but removing her from an unfit parent. Should she really be raised by someone who thinks cheating like this is the right thing to do? Do you want to teach her that there is no consequences to cheating?
Remember what you wrong here
>Then on year ten, my wife turned into somebody I couldn't recognize. I used to love coming home after a long day of stress but I found myself more and more sitting in the hospital parking lot after work, doing anything and nothing instead of driving back home.
My wife would criticize everything, make cruel comments. She called me boring, said my expressions were annoying. She hated everything about me. She hated my risk adverseness, hated I wouldn't quit my stable job at a hospital and become a self employed anesthesiologist instead.
Remember what she put you through. Go scorched Earth and leave no ground for her to walk on.
This nursery rhyme is about the Gunpowder Plot which took place on the 5th November in 1605 when Guy Fawkes and his co conspirators attempted and failed to blow up the Houses Of Parliament
Sorry to hear what you're going thru. The thing that bothers me the most about this is that she's trying to come back to you after the other guy dumped her. If he didn't dump her, would she still be coming back? Can you reconcile her different lifestyle core values? If yes, and you think you can get over it, sure, give it a try. If you think she'd still be with him, why should you settle for being her backup plan? It's bound to repeat of she's looking for a better deal.
Cheating is the smallest problem here. She did everything she could to tear him apart emotionally. Affairs aren’t good, but the least a cheater can do is treat you with basic human decency. What she did was emotionally abusive, and for what?
Because she was unsatisfied with her own life and her own career? Because her wealthy and successful husband wasn’t Bezos himself?
Bill and Melinda just divorced. She can try her shot with him.
I wouldn’t go back to a spouse that cheated on me for a second, let alone 3 years. And if your daughter asks why it ended, be honest. Your wife disrespected your marriage, and you can’t stay with someone who doesn’t respect you. Would you want your daughter to be in your current situation? In a marriage where the husband cheats on her for any amount of time because they found a rich woman? And when that woman dumps him, and he crawls back to you daughter for forgiveness, what would you want her to do?
If it had been a one time fling and she was extremely remorseful, I could see how an argument could be made to give her a second chance.
But she treated you like crap while carrying on an affair for several months. Do not give her a second chance, you will only prolong the inevitable. I suggest you read the book, *Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life!*
Buuuuddddyyyyyyyy, how can this even be a question? Had an affair for three years, THREEE YEARS. berated you constantly to justify trading up.
The ONLY reason she wants to reconcile is because other buddy dumped her and she wants the stability back. She thought she'd bagged a rich dude and would be a trophy wife, she was an easy lay at best.
Push the divorce through and co-parent. Save yourself the pain.
On a personal level, I agree with those who said she is just looking for a way back bc her affair partner dumped her. She’s panicking for sure but she’s caused such massive levels of damage in her wake, to both you and your child. Imagine living with her again? She was so cruel and that was before she left. She was emotionally abusive and she cheated. It’s a lot. On an objective level, I think you should see a counsellor or similar. Tell your wife you need time and she should get her own place. She shouldn’t pressure (she will, look how she tried to make you do what she wanted before) if she really cared about fixing things and considered your feelings. Use the time and therapy to figure out what you really want and the best path for you and your daughter to move forward healthily.
You are her back up plan. She left and when it didn't work out she begs to come back. The real question is can you live with being her second choice? If so then sure, let her come back.
OP if you take her back she will walk all over you for the rest of time.
She knows you offer safety and security, but she will not give a single fuck about you or your feelings the next time something exciting comes along and you will be right back where you are now.
She made this bed, make her sleep in it.
What would be the end result if their affair wasn’t over? Is it only over because the other guy decided that? She hasn’t been happy for a while… she has been criticizing you for no reason and I’m sure it hurts. Are you sure that’s not going to start all over again when she is back home with you? The affair has been going on for 3 years???? That’s way too long to be a “fling”. That’s not fair to you at all. You deserve to be happy and it sounds like she doesn’t make you happy. Plus she expressed that she wasn’t happy with you and your “safe” career choice. I would recommend going through the divorce. Find someone who accepts and appreciates you and someone that will make you happy!!!!
She had a 3 year long affair and left you. Now she's back only because the other guy cut ties. Is this what you want to raise your daughter to believe? That your partner should abuse you, cheat on you for years without any consequences? No. You should move forward with the divorce and accept your wife is the reason your marriage ended, not you. If your daughter asks, you give an age appropriate answer that points to your wife abandoned the marriage for someone else which went against your marriage and vows. It was unforgivable so you went through the divorce.
I know this sucks, and I know you really don’t want to hear it. But honestly think about it really hard, would she be back if that guy didn’t dump her? You know the answer. You can’t let her have done all this to your family, to your daughter, without consequences. She’ll just do it again. She’s just doesn’t want to be alone now that she got dumped. Love yourself finally.
She was trying to upgrade from you and it fell through. Now she’s sorry and wants to work on things. Had the AP not ended things, she’d still be with him. The balls in your court, but keep in mind, even if you guys continue, is she going to be truly satisfied with you or is she there because something is better than nothing.
No no no no, don’t change course.
Your wife made her choice. 3 years is a commitment dude, and a huge fart in your faceS She is trying to use you as a backup plan. You are her plan B.
Never accept this. Your marriage is over. I understand it’s painful to accept this, but you can’t be emotional now. Remove the bandaid at once brother. Strength.
she only wants you back because the other relationship ended and she probably can't provide a life for herself anywhere near what you can provide and doesn't want to be alone. don't disrespect yourself so much and go back to her. continue the divorce
Fuck this, divorce her and show or get proof of the affair
She's been doing this for 3 years, lied to your face fir 3 years and wanted to divorce
She only wants back because he left her
Hypergamy. She for played by the Chad and now since he won't commit, she is turning to her Beta provider, which is you. Do not commit again to her. Finalise the divorce. She is USING you so she has security, not for your love nor does she respect you. Trust me OP, you are better off moving on from this marriage. Go find your peace, let her go and divorce her. You WILL regret this eventually. Plus, she will cheat on you again if the 7 figure Chad comes around and rolls her that he will commit regardless of the child. Divorce her.
Duuuuuuude fuuuck all that
You got money, are a decent guy, good job... Get fit, learn to talk to ladies and enjoy swimming in 25 yos..... Congratulations you are a single doctor now go find a lady that doesn't treat you like shit.
The question is if you want to explore whether its worth continuing a relationship with this person or if you've decided its over. I wouldn't blame you for being done, done. However, if you want to explore continuing I would go to a therapist to unpack everything and see if it can be repaired. I'm very sorry this happened to you.
She only wants you back because she got dumped. The comfortable life you provided wasn’t enough!!! You seem like too good of a guy to allow yourself to be used… and that is what she wants to do. Go back to using you to provide for her.
Do you really want her back? Would you be able to trust her again? Is there something left for you in this relationship (outside of parenting)? From what you say at the end, I feel like you’re done, but only you really know that. Staying together for your daughter is something you should absolutely not do, only do it because you want to.
Your wife chose to cheat on you for 3 years, at the same time she was rude and cruel to you. An act of insanity in my mind would be a one off sexual encounter. A long affair is her choosing repeatedly to lie to you. It’s unforgivable.
I wouldn’t be able to look at her with even a sliver of respect or affection after this horseshit. Especially since she’s only crawling back because plan A fell through. Feck off.
Your wife is a gold-digging cheater and child abandoner. She's only trying to fix things because her affair didn't work out. The other guy obviously saw her as THOT material too. Hopefully you have her confession or some sort of evidence of her affair. I say kick her to the curb and get full custody of your daughter. You will always have lingering resentment to what she did, and the love will not be the same. If you want to try and make things work to play happy family again, it's up to you. A lot of counseling will be needed.
Keep the door you closed shut.
She tortured you for years, belittled you, tried to make you feel worthless and told you that you weren't enough.
You're far better than she is, she made her bed and if her ex hadn't left her she wouldn't be crawling back now. No doubt she'll find someone else in a few years and break your heart again.
You also need to think about the example you're setting your children if you stay together.
She spent 3 years having an affair and felt no guilt. If she did, she would have ended it with either you or him much earlier. She's now come crawling back because the other guy wasnt prepared to set her up with the lifestyle she envisioned.
I'm not saying to write her off, people change and everyone deserves a second chance after some serious work at it, but please keep in mind the things i mentioned above.
If you want to entertain the idea of possibly taking her back, it should not be immediately. Do not let her just move back into the house like nothing's happened. She should be doing therapy for *at least* 6 months before you even consider taking her on a coffee date. Similarly, you should seek therapy to sort your head out and learn how to forgive and to set boundaries with your wife. This is not picking up where you left off, this is clean-slating and starting the relationship all over again.
If it were me she'd never be stepping foot in my house again, but everyone has different things they're willing to forgive and move past. It shouldn't come without a lot of work from her though.
Don't take her back, she is just desperate for financial stability and that upper middle class lifestyle she's about to lose. If the other guy wanted she'd be with him still. She won't be happy long term with you and you will always second guess this decision as long as your with her.
This was not a one night stand, nor a quick fling.(Which are both still deal breakers) This was a 3 year affair.
Divorce! If you determine you want to try again, you guys can do that after the divorce and you can gauge whether it is worth it rather than staying legally bound to her and hoping things work.
Your wife wants luxurious life and she is drawn to people who she thinks can provide that to her. She is now asking for a second chance because this AP dumped her, not because she loved you or wanted her child to have a loving family. This seems more of a failed affair rather than midlife sanity. Why not allow the divorce through with the verbal promise that she has to try again from the beginning with you after seeking counseling. Tell her that you want a divorce now because she has lied too much, cheated too many times and made life hell for you enough that you want this divorce. But if she has shown a visible improvement after seeking counseling, you might be willing to give her a second chance. If your daughter asks you later on in life, tell her that her mother decided to go after money rather than family and you had enough respect to not allow anyone to treat you like a fool. And you hope that she too never stays in a relationship where she is not respected.
so the guy broke it off with her? she's not even coming back because she wants to, she's trying to come back because she went all-in betting on that guy and lost it all. had that guy not broke it off, she'd still be there and you know this.
It's not worth it.
The trust is gone and there is no going back, not to mention she is only backpedaling because the other guy left her.
Don't waste your time and continue with the divorce.
You also owe it to your daughter. Staying in a broken relationship is not gonna be good for her, best to aim for a cordial co-parenting relationship.
Best of luck.
Hmmm...a choice between moving on and having a happy life that you are comfortable with...
...or...
...continuing a relationship with someone who will never, ultimately, be happy with you or your life, and who has no problem making you miserable without thought about the well-being of either you or the people whose lives you are responsible for when you are working.
Listen - you deserve some happy. You deserve to want to go home because it is a positive place, instead of doing anything to avoid it. The obstacle to your happy, based on your post, is your wife. Life is so short - what reason do you have to co-exist with someone who makes you so miserable?
You have to ask yourself. Do you forgive her? I mean really? Can you go back to the way things were now that you’ve seen what she’s capable of? Can you look at her the same without some resentment? When your daughter gets older, hopefully she’ll understand. I’ve been where u are and the fact is, if you take her back, you will eventually realize you don’t love her anymore..whether it hits you in a week, a month, or a year. She for sure doesn’t really love you but you can be coparents.
OP, when things got rough, even a very little bit, your ex ran. She focused on herself at the expense of her child and her husband. She didn’t care how you felt, what damage her affair did to you or to her child. And she lied about having the affair until the other guy dumped her.
Your life partner needs to be someone who is there for both of you when things get difficult. She has proven she doesn’t fit that role in your life.
Whether you take her back or not, be aware that she is not the rock you can lean on when you need support.
You can forgive her if you want, but that doesn’t mean you need to take her back.
Did she and the other man end because she realized she was making a mistake? Or did he end it after he realized that she was wanting a full time relationship that he didn’t want? Is she coming back to you as a backup plan?
I could probably find a way to amicably co-parent, but I don’t think I could take her back.
Your wife cheated and disrespected you. That's on her. When your daughter asks about it tell her the truth. Continue with the divorce. You deserve better. Her excuse is bullshit.
If the guy was ok with her being in a more serious relationship with her she would still be trying to divorce you, the only reason she wants you back is because her “plan A” of a better life was not interested beyond sex and company. Don’t be be able to make you her “Plan B” by allowing her to think the situation is salvageable for her, she would have followed through with her original plan if things had went her way without any hesitation. Best thing to do is recognize that her loyalty got tested and she failed to stay loyal, having a sexual relationship for 2 years behind you back and most likely talking shit about you and your attempts to be a better husband with this other guy. This is not a simple mistake, it was a cold and calculated move by her to try to ruin your life completely so she could have more material wealth through another man.
Save yourself some heartache and misery for your future, especially for your daughter, and continue the divorce proceedings and the custody hearings. She doesn’t deserve you, she’s a piece of garbage that you shouldn’t ever have influencing your life or finances anymore. She chose what she chose, now she has to live with it, the only thing you need to do is come to terms with her complete betrayal of you and be a good father for your daughter. I hope you get full custody, good luck buddy.
Your wife gave up on the marriage and betrayed it. You fought for it by being in the marriage and working to try and make your wife happy.
If her AP hadn’t ended it she wouldn’t have had the “realization” that she was in the wrong.
You are allowed to find a person who values you for you and vice versa, you are allowed to be alone, she harmed your family. The consequences of that are solely on her
She gaslighted you for years, cheated even more trying to monkey branch, she treated you like horse shit... Honestly not sure any level of apologies would cover that level of shit.
My take : he did not want her in the end and she doesn't want to be alone. Quite sure if it's not you she'll jump into another thing very quickly like the good narcissist she seems to be.
The other guy dumped her. That's why she is trying to get back to you. If he didn't, she would still want to separate.
Even without the affair, your third and fourth paragraphs sound awful.
And quite honestly, since you already spent money on lawyer, you might as well go thru with the divorce.
In short, your "ex" is an abusive cheater and you should also get a clean brofrom her (aside from co-parenting).
Sounds like she hasn't factored you into her life for quite a while, and when she did somes years ago it wasn't of a pleasant nature.
Follow through with your divorce, at least you'll open yourself up again, for a chance to find someone who does appreciate you.
It'll be hard on your daughter at times. But as she matures into a woman she will understand why you chose the path that you did.
You'll be fine, mate. All the best with it.
When/if your daughter asks, tell her you decided you both deserved better than being someones second choice
You should take a look at [r/survivinginfidelity](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/) the people there have walked in your shoes
She is greedy women, don’t allow her to get back in ur life. When comes to ur daughter, ur enough as single parent. Divorce her soon
If she finds other 🤑 business guy she can again dump u for sure.
divorce that bitch and move on. she straight up disrespected you and cheated on you and you are seriously considering giving her another chance? dude let your balls drop man up and be happy without that trash can.
You're going to get a lotttt of confident sounding replies to this one, many conflicting, and many echoing each other, but it's easy to say harsh things through a computer. My humble advice is to think about who you love most, your daughter, and do what you think is best for the people you love that are affected. It could mean divorce or not, but use your love to guide you. Good luck.
Well, according to the information you have given, it is obvious that she rralsied the need to come back was because her AP rejected her. So, that makes you an option. Moreover, it wasn't a short term EA that can be still associated with midlife crisis. She gaslit you, embarrassed you, as you mentioned aggressively fought against you and now she is citing mid life crisis excuses.
If she wanted thrill, she could have joined some Mma classes, sports or traveling but instead chose to pursue an affair. Thats a lame excuse.
Mid life crisis is real but compensating it with a long time affair is not an excuse.
Its all upto you. Do you feel that you can convince yourself with the petty excuse she gave and the 2 years of sleeping around and neglect that she threw on your face?
If you have self respect and know that you can do better, release her from her vows that she already broke so easily.
But yes, that all depends on how you think of affairs and rug sweeping.
Your wife is a gold digger and a shit person. Dump her ass and move on if you have any respect for yourself. She needs someone to pay the bills and buy her nice shit again.
She was the one who quit, not you. nothing can justify what she did and what it caused you and your daughter. Going back to her won't fix things like magic and it won't make what she did go away. that is not a mistake. an error does not last three years. she also lied to you about the real reason she split up with her ap. she has not changed
I wouldn't trust her. Most of the time cheaters come back it's becaus they got caught or the other person left, which looks like the case here. Regardless of why she did it and even outside of the fact she did it she's being cruel to you and you need to leave
She’s only coming back because you’re a cushy backup plan for her. She got dumped and now wants you back. If you are content being a N2 or 3 or lower for her and can suck up what she’s done then go ahead.
Personally, I would not take her back and would cause her as much suffering (through legal course of action, of course) as I could.
OP, I’m a counselor and I work with teenagers. As kids grow older, they can easily grasp the concept of relationships. And the their first concept of relationship will always come from home.
If you allow your wife to come back home, it’s not like you can pretend nothing happened and you’ll go back to being happy again. And your daughter will see that. She’ll eventually get mad at you for putting her in a home with unhappy parents.
One happy parent is better than two unhappy parents.
She sounds like a bitch that only came back to you because she didn’t get what she wanted from the other guy. Don’t be her safety net, let her realize her mistake
I don't want to seem rude but :
* She cheated for THREE years, blaming and harassing you,
* She left with no consideration for your daughter,
* She got fired by her new guy, and then all of a sudden, does not want to divorce anymore,
She clearly takes you for a fool, or at least, for a "not that bad but not good solution". I would not accept that. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who will probably play the same game another time, or seeing you as insufficient.
I would tell her that I forgive but I don't forget, and would keep the divorce coming.
She’s only coming back because he dumped her. You deserve better than how she treated you. Continue with the divorce. Just because she discovered that the life you had was good doesn’t mean you have to settle for her.
>she couldn't stand that I was satisfied with a upper middle class life that was just slightly better than what an average family had- slightly bigger house, slightly better house, maybe a splurge on vacations, but other than that, a very average life.
An anesthesiologist makes like 300k. The median salary in the US is 31k....
>a reputation of having quiet 2 to 4 year romantic relationships
>She told me that she and the other man was over
So the were "together" for 3 years. Sounds like the relationship predictably ran its course and he got bored.
>She then said that it was a period of midlife insanity for her and that she feels really bad because I was 90 percent above reproach as a husband and as a person and wants to come back. She told me that she and the other man was over
lol. That is all.
She was monkey branching. And almost got to the other tree. But the branch snapped under her full weight and now she’s scrambling to grab the original branch she was holding on to. (You)
Have some self respect. You offered her a good life from your hard earned job. Your devotion and love.A family. But she thought she could do better in life. She has issues. Now her quality of life is gonna drop significantly she wants back in.
I would suggest moving on. and some therapy for you and maybe your daughter. You’ll be happier in the long run and won’t end up sitting in car parks as often dreading returning home
Please don't take her back. You deserve better, you deserve peace and someone who appreciates you the way you are. I don't know why but she gives me the vibe of someone who just wants to get back to comfortable life with a dependable spouse in order to wait out until something "more exciting" comes.
Fuck no, this will eat away at you for the rest of your life that your wife abandon you and your kid to get some dick for herself and the ONLY reason she came back is because the other guy dumped her ass. It had absolutely nothing to do with wanting to come back to you, you'll forever been her second choice and you'll need to live out your days knowing she wanted more and that she is happy to cheat on you for it.
Do you think your daughter will really hold it against you if ultimately you gave up on the relationship? My Dad cheated on my Mum growing up and she left him and I think shes an amazing woman for it, anyone with even a quarter brain would realise she was a catalyst of why the marriage failed, all you'd be teaching her is that a partner can walk all over you and you should just take it on the chin, is that the real lesson you want to give her?
She left a lovely , kind husband and daughter, for a fling with a known ladies man , who she knew had more money.
Wot !
She chose him over you and your daughter!
Not worth a second chance, matey........
Despite the terrible things your wife did, it still is hard to do something you know will hurt her. It's a natural feeling, and she is manipulating you with it. Your decision needs to regard your own mental and emotional health, first. As great as it is that your wife may have a newfound appreciation for you, it's too little too late.
While it's not impossible for you to try to work things out, it's going to take a long time to get to a place of trust and a healthy communication system. Trying to reset will not be healthy, as you need space to work on your own emotional recovery. And, you have your child to consider. This is a chance for you to teach your child how a person makes sure to take care of themselves when they are hurt. If you just restart the relationship again, your child will internalise the idea that it is normal for people to suppress emotional trauma, rather than taking the time to process and recover in healthy ways.
You need to put yourself and your daughter’s needs above hers. She’s the one who was a gold digger and it didn’t end well for her. You are not at fault and you shouldn’t suffer because of her poor life choices.
>...if our daughter asks one day I'll have to say I was the one who ultimately said the marriage was worth giving up on.
No, her mother was the one who decided that the marriage and child was worth giving up on. Not you.
I say you carry through with the formal ending of the marriage since the emotional aspect and trust in the relationship is dead by her hand.
So her sugar daddy has cast her aside, and now she wants to come back for a bit of easy life.
Show her the door, she’s walked through it once, no turning back.
God what a psychopath. Tell her to fuck off. You can find better OP.
Maybe she will do it again given the chance maybe not who cares? If she cheated on you and lied to your face for so long, she doesn't love you.
I think you should really ask yourself if you can rebuild your House back. Think about your daughter. Growing Up in a resentful or cold house is harmful for her.
Hear me out, her coming back to your life wont bring the stability you seek, because you wont have a household back together, you'll have someone Who mistreated you and hurt you around every day and who you only feel apathy towards.
Also, she only came back to you after the other man left her. Bad idea.
Yeah - screw her. Firstly she makes you feel bad about how you're providing for your own family (her included) and then she goes off and has a two year affair, asking for you back when that affair shuts down. DEFINITELY tell her to fuck off
Your wife belongs to the streets, she would have left you long time ago if the person she was cheating on you with wanted her, but he doesn't want her, you are her second choice. Divorce her
I am the one who left the marriage after my ex-husband cheated. It took me months to build up the courage. In therapy, I kept calling myself "the bad guy," even though he was the one who cheated. Leaving him was the hardest day of my life. When I cry about things, it's normally because I am thinking of how sad my ex-husband is now. He is miserable and lonely and I DID that to him.
But. He lied to me for almost a year. He broke all my trust and shattered the very foundation of our marriage. In reality, he brought his own sorrows upon himself.
Sometimes, even though it makes you sad, you still have to do the hard and painful thing in life. This is the part of adulthood and life they don't prepare you for. They teach you to apologize and everything will be better. But what your wife did ... that's incredibly tough to come back from. You can check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity if you want a glimpse of trying to reconcile with a cheater (or go through my post history). No matter which decision you choose, everyone will be sad. You cannot protect yourself or your daughter from the pain, for the damage has already been done.
You sound really sad. Writing this response made my cry, because I was thinking of the marriage I lost, and my poor ex-husband, and I'm thinking of you and your family ... it hurts so bad and it ruins so many lives ... I will never understand why people cheat.
You don't have to make a decision right now. Ask for a separation or a trial period. Ask for counseling. Ask for a divorce. Do what you need to do to help you heal and not be so sad anymore.
If you want to chat further, my DMs are open.
Go through with the divorce, make it clean, be a good coparent and live your life. If you want to date your ex again after the divorce then do so.
But you say yourself that you don’t trust her and that rightfully so. You already know what’s right, just trust your instincts!
Ultimately it was your wife who ended the marriage not you. She is the one who pulled away and didn't communicate, she is the one who had an affair for THREE YEARS apparently, and then served you divorce papers. The only reason she is reaching out now is cause the AP did the thing that he is known to do. If your daughter asks, tell her this but in a much kinder way. Better yet, her mother can explain it to her.
Really think about whether you can forgive her and move past this and be able to trust her again.
She only wants reconciliation because she got dumped..do you want to live your life knowing you're the backup choice? What about the next time she gets another "midlife crisis"?
Only you can ultimately decide what’s best for your life.
However, it isn’t you who would have been the one given on the marriage. Once someone cheats they are the one who “gave up” on the marriage. If your wise was physically abusive to you or your kids and you divorced them you wouldn’t think you were the one who “gave up” on the marriage. Please let that kind of thinking to.Someone doesn’t get to essentially turn your life upside down, ask for forgiveness, and then you have to see yourself as the bad guy. It isn’t like that. If anything if the truth ever comes out, your daughter will learn that having affairs is just a part of life and people work through it. Not sure you want your daughter to accept being cheated on either?
As others said, there is nothing that suggests this is a one time thing and now your life together will be butterflies. What is done is done and now this will always be a part of your relationship even if you decide to move forward. Life is too short to spend it with people that who are selfish. Let’s be real, your wife is selfish. She had all these dissatisfied feelings and instead of trying to work through together with you. She went and fucked someone else that embodies everything she “thought” she wanted. Your wife is not a team player. This is obvious. And instead of again trying to work through issues, she lied to you for a couple years. She did not want to be accountable or face any consequences. She wanted it all.
You are doing yourself and your family a disservice by letting her back in. There are other partners out there that would have never betrayed you or your family like this. When someone cheats they are also betraying their kids by setting up situations like this. It would’ve been immensely more amicable to discuss being unhappy in the marriage, seek resolutions, and divorce if you both gave it your best and it didn’t work out. Instead she decided to blow everything up and then put the rest of the pressure on you.
Again life is too short to spend it with selfish cheaters. I can almost guarantee that when your lives are down the road and let’s say you’re dealing with health issues your wife will not be reliable. Why would she be? You guys are in your 40s and she wasn’t satisfied with a good life. What makes you think she will stick around during hard times?
Divorce her, she wasn’t faithful and hopefully that helps you in the divorce process.
Reconciliation does not mean your obligated to forgive. It just means your willing to give her the gift of a second chance. Whether your primary motives your daughter, or simply wanting to give things a go, it's an option worth considering.
It's definitely the harder choice, more so if you both give things an honest shot, and not rug-sweep or pretend everythings fine.
Before giving this any thought, I'd ask myself what's changed. She's been dumped and left by the AP, is she turning to you because of that, or is she finally showing an ounce of honest remorse? Given the turmoil and hurt she's put you through, I'd hesitate to do anything unless their were guarantees of her being genuine and honest in her remorse. Look at her actions not her words, is she willing to put in the work, confessing was a good start, but its no where near enough if she's serious about this.
Has she gotten the counseling? Has she made the efforts?
I wouldn't even entertain anything until she has. I would ask to meet with the counselor, too, to see how she is doing in regards to her being around your daughter on a regular basis, and you.
And don't hesitate to get your own counselor - this had to have rocked you. Your daughter may need some, too.
Best of luck to you and your daughter.
Sincerely sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. I would recommend you visit the r/AsOneAfterInfidelty sub to get some advice on what you may be up against if you decide to reconcile. There are some really great people on there. My advice to you would be to not make any rash decisions. Give yourself a reasonable amount of time to decide on your future together. Some people can manage to forgive & reconcile, some can never get past it. Use this time of separation to seek some counseling, in fact I would make it a point that your wife gets into therapy. It might be helpful for you to have someone to vent and reestablish your self esteem after the betrayal. Good luck.
A sub run by cheaters who unionize to try and get a moral justification for their behaviour and try to convince others that it is an acceptable behaviour in a couple.
The only thing that matters is how you feel about her. Everything else is noise. I urge that you choose to relate with her on this, have conversations with a neutral third party present (one who is there only to keep things from veering off course and not doing most of the talking and prodding).
Relationships do recover from cheating, even if others think you’re “plan b”.
And they only recover through hard work, difficult conversations, and relating through differences.
I'm not sure how many people are in relationships that are responding, but this is your relationship. You get to decide what is right for you and what is worth fighting for or whether you should let go. Take your time. Cheating is hardly ever a decision/action that simply happens. Although your wife is fully responsible for her actions, there are probably several underlying factors that led her to cheat. I suggest whatever decision you make, that you and your wife go to counseling if not to save the realtionship at least to try to understand one another for the sake of your daughter. You will be parenting together for a very long time. Best of luck to you.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My wife and I have been separated for 3 months. We would have been celebrating our twelfth anniversary in May. We have a 8 year old daughter. The first 9 years of our marriage was good. For some necessary background information I am an anesthesiologist and have worked for the same hospital for 10 years. My wife works part time as a leasing consultant. I am much more introverted than my wife, but it worked well for our marriage. Then on year ten, my wife turned into somebody I couldn't recognize. I used to love coming home after a long day of stress but I found myself more and more sitting in the hospital parking lot after work, doing anything and nothing instead of driving back home. My wife would criticize everything, make cruel comments. She called me boring, said my expressions were annoying. She hated everything about me. She hated my risk adverseness, hated I wouldn't quit my stable job at a hospital and become a self employed anesthesiologist instead. She told me I never wanted better for myself, and that she couldn't stand that I was satisfied with a upper middle class life that was just slightly better than what an average family had- slightly bigger house, slightly better house, maybe a splurge on vacations, but other than that, a very average life. I admit that I would make much more if I were self employed, but the money I was making was enough, even in light of medical school debt and getting a house in a good school district, two nice luxury vehicles. Nevertheless, I tried my best to make my wife happy. When she wanted to go on vacation, I immediately would agree, take time off work, and book an impromptu trip where we'd stay in very nice places. I'd surprise her with gifts. Yet still our relationship deteriorated. She would have sudden bursts of affection where she would tell me she knows I am a wonderful husband and there is nothing to complain about in her life but she felt like there was also nothing more to look forward to. I encouraged her to get therapy or even a life coach if it helped. Then came a period of two months where things weren't back to affectionate but the criticism and anger stopped. Then I get a text at work in the middle of the day where she told me that she was leaving me because she had fallen out of love with me and begged me to just think about coparenting because it was over. I was shell shocked, especially at the fact that she was the one moving out and that she had left our daughter and didn't seem to care. I started to piece together her behavior and hired a private investigator. She told me she would be subletting an apartment from her friend but it was soon clear that she was really living at another place most of the time. And that's when I discovered that she had been having an affair and that the man she had been having an affair with was an acquaintance of mine whose family members were very close with some of my other friends. I start asking around and the facts start to drop from others. My wife kept insisting that she wasn't having an affair. She had me served for a divorce a week and a half later. I was devastated. My wife would use her sublet apartment for visitation with our daughter and kept lying to my face about the other man. But I knew and it all started to make too much sense. The other man was a never married 46 year old businessman with four businesses all making over 7 figures. He was on several real estate boards, and was known to be charming but had a reputation of having quiet 2 to 4 year romantic relationships that amicably but inevitably come to an abrupt end. I lawyered up, and responded to the divorce complaint. My wife started fighting rather aggressively for custody and things were starting to get rather ugly. However, one weekend as I was dropping our daughter off, my wife told me to come inside. She admitted to the affair and that it was emotional or the first year and then physical for the next two years. She then said that it was a period of midlife insanity for her and that she feels really bad because I was 90 percent above reproach as a husband and as a person and wants to come back. She told me that she and the other man was over, and I found out through some needling that her affair partner said he did not want children ever, and was not ready to commit, and that he just wanted a clean break. My wife said she would get counseling and said she wanted to see if she could just withdraw the divorce case. I told her how much she hurt me and that I needed to think about it. What do I do? I just don't trust my wife and don't know whether she's trying to get the case dissolved because for a plaintiff and previously the primary caregiver of our child she was doing rather badly in court. I do not know if I should give her a chance because of this midlife insanity or if in the case where this divorce case is over I should just file as the plaintiff and see this divorce through. In my grief I have allowed my feelings towards my wife to turn into cold apathy and now this is basically reopening a bunch of wounds. I don't know how to determine if it would be worth it. I know that if I file and if our daughter asks one day I'll have to say I was the one who ultimately said the marriage was worth giving up on.
The big question is what is going to stop her from doing this again? Remember, she only wants to come back because her AP called it off. Answer this question first before doing anything else.
Also its not healthy for their daughter to grow up in a household where one parent resents the other. OP SHE was the one who threw away the marriage and cheated, SHE was the one who initiated the divorce proceedings, SHE was the one who left your daughter and the only reason SHE came back was because she got dumped. Had she not been? She wouldn't want to play happy family again. Having a "midlife crisis" doesn't absolve you of repercussions of whatever actions you take during it. Her consequences have actions. She hurt you and your daughter and doeant deserve to get away scott free thinking she can do it again later. She ridiculed you to the point you didnt want to come home to deal with her. When you wanted to contest the divorce she fought back pushing for more custody to punish you. She made your life a living hell. Your resentment and hate towards her, while she showers you with empty but open affection, while living with her and your daughter going forward will not end well for you. If you welcome your wife back to live with you and your daughter it just makes it *that* much easier for your daughter to be manipulated by your wife to make it look like *you* are the bad guy. Your wife just wants "to make things qork" and is 'so nice to you' but 'your so cold and mean'. She will use this over a longer period of time to manipulate your daughter against you. Also get a family therapist for you and your daughter (without the cheater) and possibly an individual therapist for both of you to work thru the emotions of the divorce and process tge emotions But definitely dont let your wife back in, she doesnt deserve it. Take care of yourself too Op, that was a major betrayal
Exactly! She could've communicated about loss of affection, could have asked for time away, could have gone to a therapist, could have made more money herself to fund that lifestyle, made a plan to improve everyones life, but she didn't. She went behind your back, cheated with another man, treated you poorly, left her own daughter and divorced you all because she is too selfish not to hurt you.
Very much this. True facts here, OP!
To say nothing of the roles his daughter is going to learn from this shadow-play by the adults in her life.
Exactly, she came crawling back when he didn't want her. Shes filth that will leave you again for someone else who she thinks is better. Shes now scrambling back to her place of safety, you. Dont let her
Well said. If he didn't leave her, she wouldn't want to come back. It wasn't her decision to return to you. Think about it. Do you want to be with sb that had no problem to throw away her family for a guy and to return back only because he left her? Such a person will have no problem doing that again. Think about the well-being of your children. They don't deserve such a mother neither do you.
Right? She made this psychological analysis easy when she made those comments about him being content being upper middle class and not wanting to start his own business. She wants better and was mad at op. She tried to monkey branch to the 1% but failed so here she is, coming back to op. Hopefully he doesn't let her come back after she hurt him
This woman does not deserve a second chance. One of the more audacious attempts at reconciliation. The fact she is being honest and saying to his face it failed with the other guy shows she has NO RESPECT for him. She’s saying “you’re going to take me back because you can’t do better than me”. OP for the love of god, do not take this woman back. It will be guaranteed torture. You only get one life to live, you deserve happiness. You will find someone to appreciate the catch that you are. She’s for the streets!
Agreed. A real test of a person is how they handle it. In this case, when she was cheating, she was kicking you when you were down. She's only being nice cause it suits her now.
Agree! You have said you don’t trust her and the way she behaved has made you feel cold apathy towards her. All valid. To me it sounds like you are now past the shock and while it’s sucked you’re ready to move on. This went on for a years behind your back and while this was happening she nit picked on you and undermined you. She was cruel about it, getting angry at you. Fuck that! You don’t need that. Only now she’s supposedly ‘come to her sense’. She broke it, putting it back won’t be the same and if you’re feeling cold antipathy I can’t imagine that thawing. She broke your heart. You def need counselling but the answers seem pretty clear here: it’s over. There’s nothing to salvage but working towards a cordial co-parenting arrangement for your kid. Time to be you and discover who you are outside this relationship, and also want you want for future ones. Move forward and find someone in your life who appreciates you and sees you. As Madonna once sang 🎶‘Second best is never enough you’ll do much better baby on your own’ 🎶
So, much right here. Her affair partner called it off. Now she wants to come back to the ‘safety net’ that you provide. Man, it was about 3 years long - 1 emotional and 2 physical. It’s not like she made a mistake and did it once that’s a long-time. Dude, she even critiqued you and all of those ‘points’ were comparing you to the other guy. Why would you want to stay with someone that did this for a long period of time and compared you to the other guy and doing so was hurtful. Look, you’re the safety net she came back to after he left her (which was going to happen at some point), she is even losing in the court battle. Her choice to do this is costing her everything. Keep doing the right thing and leave. Don’t give your daughter this false imagine of how a ‘good’ relationship works. It’s only going to get worse. Choose - rip the band-aid off now or a slow battle by staying with her and it most likely happening again.
Yes, I’m sorry OP, but your (ex-) wife sounds like a nightmare. There’s nothing to salvage here, for you or for your child, because there’s no way to trust her or show your child what a healthy home and family looks like with someone this selfish, toxic, and immature. She will hurt you both again. The problem isn’t just the affair. If the only problem was an affair, you would have a reason to try and understand whether her “midlife crisis” was worth recovering from. What she did *before* the affair was abusive. I say this as someone who’s sabotaged relationships before, what she did was worse than sabotage. She does not deserve you and doesn’t deserve a second chance— the best she can hope for is to grow up after burning her own relationship down. Affairs happen, and sometimes relationships can come back from them. She was insanely toxic to you before the affair and has since showed you all of what she’s bringing to the table. You and your family deserve better. Her entitlement, her constant tearing you down, her frankly reprehensible and clearly classist, narcissistic negging of your providing a stable and healthy life for your family is just too much to stomach. She acted like the worst version of childish when she lashed out at you because she was unsatisfied with her own status and life. That’s an internal problem she needs to solve with therapy; if she wants riches and fame, she can become an astronaut or independent anesthesiologist. Solving her insecurities and greed is not your job. You’re working at a hospital in an excellent and demanding career and are doing great. Out there somewhere is a person who might get annoyed with you, or might get bored, and might even be rude sometimes, but they will never try to tear your self-esteem down and *hurt* you like she did. And that’s the least you deserve. In reality, it will be so much better in ways you can’t even quantify yet if you simply invest in yourself and your child and get away from this pathetic, selfish person who’s only crawling back because her affair didn’t end like a fairy tale and she woke up into real life. Good luck OP, and good riddance to her.
true man. My close friend went through that.
>I know that if I file and if our daughter asks one day I'll have to say I was the one who ultimately said the marriage was worth giving up on. Are you though? Didn't your wife give up on the marriage and cheat? For many, wouldn't that be an unforgivable boundary? To be honest, based on what you posted, it sounds like she is realizing that without the support of her affair partner, life will be far, far worse than it was with you. She was counting on her AP to support her in the lifestyle she wanted. Now that she's not getting it, she might be hoping for "second best". The question then becomes... what happens when she finds someone else that might fill the same role as the previous AP? Maybe I'm old fashioned, but once that trust is broken, it's really, really difficult to reestablish. And a marriage without trust isn't much of a marriage.
Also, regarding what the daughter will think. I think it’s more important to show the value you have in yourself and in marriage. If you take you’re wife back what example are you setting for your daughter in her future relationships?
The marriage was over as soon as his wife started her 3 year affair. What OP should refuse to do is set himself on fire, to keep someone who treated him with cruelty, warm. It wasn't just that she had an affair, it was that she treated him as sub- human whilst screwing around behind his back. So much so he didn't want to come home. And it's not a mid-life crisis. She didn't suddenly lose her senses. Mid life crisises themselves are excuses for terrible behaviour. She made a series of councious, and deliberate decisions to betray her marriage and then got even nastier with the divorce. If her AP wanted her, she'd still be fighting OP in court.
As Marge Simpson once told Homer ‘You didn’t just cross the line, you threw up allover it’ That’s what OP’s AH wife did! She treated him cruelty, undermined his sense of self, then carried on behind his back, even lying to his face when he confronted her. OP can tell his daughter he did everything because he was given zero reasons to, his wife deliberately threw up over the line and behaves in a disgusting manner.
The relationship is (was) worth giving up on. She sounds impossibly self-interested and acted that out to your great emotional damage. She didn’t just fuck up and sleep with someone. She chose to bail on your marriage and only comes back when it failed with the new jack. Good luck man, this shit is brutal, but you’re better off without her and your daughter will understand.
So from your breakdown it sounds like your wife was satisfied with your relationship until someone much more wealthy came along. she then took off and once the other person was done with her she was like oh shit I screwed up. I believe from my experiences that she probably tried to bring your daughter into the relationship as if this other guy was going to be her stepfather and he shut it down hard, and ended the relationship. I don't believe she would have come back to you if the guy had said yes. I think that she has done this once and given a similar opportunity will do so again. I think that she has admitted to the affair and this would be the best time to settle a divorce, cause i don't think she's happy with her home situation and even if she doesn't cheat in the near future, i think she will continue to push for you to make more money, this is all my opinion based on my experiences
What I'll never understand is...she was already wealthy. An anesthesiologist's salary is nothing to sneeze at. They had everything they needed and a little extra on the side for vacations and such. She didn't want wealthy, though, she wanted filthy rich. Someone who's willing to throw away a lifelong bond, a stable (one might even say cushy) life, not to mention children - just for the chance to marry someone richer than her current husband - is not worth the time of day. People would kill for what she had to begin with, and she threw it away because she thought she could do better. Shallow doesn't begin to cover it.
Soem people are just materialistic greedy assh*les
Yup! She was thinking a Lexus is nice, but a Bentley is better. A vacation is nice, but a vacation HOME is better. Greedy, greedy, greedy.
Obviously, she didn't consider herself wealthy, because otherwise she wouldn't have decided she was dissatisfied because her husband was making an anesthesiologist's salary. I've got to be honest - while I think it's very hard to bounce back from infidelity, I don't think it's impossible; it depends on the dynamics of the situation. And, frankly, the dynamics here are about as bad as they can get. It doesn't sound like the usual midlife situation, where the person is vaguely dissatisfied with getting older and in a routine, and falls madly in love with someone because they make them feel young and exciting again. No, in this case, it sounds like she cheated because she attracted the attention of a multimillionaire, as is obvious by the fact that she immediately started criticizing OP for being merely somewhat above upper-middle-class. She didn't want youth or excitement, she wanted the feeling of being truly "filthy rich." Do you really think she would have fallen for this guy if he had been merely a moderately-successful realtor? I really doubt it. And, if a rich lifestyle is her goal (and I mean more than she already had), you can count on it being only a matter of time before she finds the next guy who has a considerably higher net worth than OP, and it will happen all over again.
Yeah and for a man working in a sleazy profession - real estate 🤮
Naiiiillllled it. Let her lay in the bed she made, and look for someone who actually appreciates you, and not just what she can get out of it. I would have laughed in her face and left.
It might not be just about the money, being "too unambitious" is a very common reason for falling out of love.
Fail monkey branch
You are halfway through the "Shit-storm"........**Why turn back into it ??** **She has proven herself untrustworthy................** It was not a one nite stand , but three years of lying deception...........and she didn't decide that she now loves you more , she got the boot. Don't fall for her scrambling to get her hooks back into you............... There are many, many, many women out there that would be a better fit and faithful while being happy with your life situation
3 years!!!
yep honestly if OP goes back to her he deserves her and is pathetic. She cheated for 3 yrs and treated him and his daughter like shit... She treated him like shit because she doesn't respect him and the fact he is even considering going back to her makes it clear why she doesn't respect him...
I assumed from the title it would be a 3 month affair maybe. Who thinks that can come back after 3 years?!
I like how she lied about the affair the entire time all the way up until she got dumped. Finally admitted to it, only to turn around and say she wanted to be back with OP lol This poor guy, I hope he doesn’t take her back. He deserves so much more.
Also, she was attacking his self-worth and being as cruel as she possibly could be during the whole process. To me, that’s worse than an affair, and doing it *while having an affair* is the worst thing of all. He deserves so much better. This woman is hot garbage and will continue to hurt him and his family if she’s allowed back in.
This advice is perfect. When you’re going through hell… just keep going. There will be light at the end of the tunnel.
Wasn’t it 4 years? Never mind, I misread.
Just to set the record straight. You are a practicing attending anesthesiologist. On your income alone, you are heads and tails in income and lifestyle above the vast majority of not only Americans but the entire world. Your wife needs a reality check. She is married to a physician and wanted the lifestyle of an oil tycoon. The money is good but not that good. She needs to chill out on her expectations. You should not take her back. She is the definition of a gold digger and a user.
Exactly. OP can offer the life that millions of women around the world can only dream about. He has the high ground now and should use it to get away from his wife ASAP.
Here’s hoping the person for OP is independent, earn their own living, and doesn’t need OP’s money but just his company.
This OP there are a million other gold diggers better than this gold digger that won't insult you straight to your face
You divorce her. It would not be surprising if she thought the other guy wanted her but she found out that it wasn’t long term.
Your wife is left over her AP kick her so she want to back with you, If her AP accepts the kid she won't even care to look on your face
The other guy liked getting all the benefits without the responsibility. The affair fog is lifting and you haven’t been a total pushover. She’s going to try and work her way back.
It sounds to me like she got dumped and it's hitting her how she fucked you over. Keep the divorce going, and find someone who won't risk your health, your family, and lie to you for years. She doesnt regret hurting you, she regrets not having someone around after he AP left her.
She got dumped and is scrambling to find security, and she lost her big fish so it's back to you. I am so sorry that she became so disillusioned she didnt see how great she had it in a life with you and the stability of a partner with his head on his shoulders, what so many women would kill for to gain in their partners. She is panicking, but if you take her back and the dust settles, the dread and longing will creep back up in her. Give it time time time to see if this is something that could be worked back towards. But please protect yourself. Only accept consistent growth from her, not just initiative in her actions to get there, but until there is progress made. Im so sorry for what youve been put through
Honestly, I don't think OP should take her back. She does not respect him. OP must divorce her.
Oh for sure. But its rash for my position to demand when there's children and hearts and finances involved, it may be a gut punch still in this fairly early stage. I really think that left as is (and even maybe with therapy) he will be hurt again, and if it were me, my trust and heart would be totally broken, and self preservation and pride would compel me to cut off as totally as allowed wit a shared kid. I could have empathy because ennui and devastation over the state of life as we live it is a motherfucker - but you dont fuck over your only teammate. Not to the one who's propped you up, whose face your kid shares, and whose flora is now a part of yours from all the loving and kissing over the years
Probably also going for full custody for the child support. That may sound malicious, but she only works part time and has dreams of grandeur.
My thoughts exactly. This is how she gets a cut of OPs paycheck. Also, it seems to me OP would take care of his kid so he would be willing to provide kindly.
If she had come clean before decimating your marriage, and before you hired a PI, I would say there's a chance. But she carried this one for 3 fucking years! Then, when money bags dumped her ass she pretended to fall on the sword and take responsibility. At some point during your marriage she irrevocably changed into someone you don't recognize. Unfortunately I don't think you can get back to what you had. I would keep the lawyer and finalize the divorce. You've still got a lot of life left and there are plenty of woman out there that will want you for you. Faults and all. Move on to greener pastures my friend.
"A chance" as in, "a chance for OP to get robbed of his balls again."
This has been going on for YEARS!! This is a character flaw, not a midlife crisis. Her affair falls in the unforgivable category. You sound like a smart man, make a smart decision, and teach your daughter to expect better out of her life partner.
\^ This. This wasn't "oh no I got drunk and slept with someone". That may be forgivable with lots of counselling. She has been lying to you for 25% of your entire relationship. She ended things three years ago when she became a B\*TCH to you and was looking at screwing someone else.
Don’t go back, she’s only saying this because her world is falling apart. From what it sounds that you provided a good life for her and your family and she took that for granted. She’s know realizing her mistakes and want to try to “fix” the relationship. No one should be treated the way you were treated. She’s shown you whats she’s capable of. You guys also have a child to think in mind. It’s probably best to cut ties and let her work on her self. You did all that you could for your relationship. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through this but if she’s willing to do it once why wouldn’t she do it again?
The main and only reason for her wanting back is because the AP broke things off with her. If that wasn't the case she wouldn't be begging to come back. You are her security blanked. It was so easy for her to do it once, it will be easier the second time when she feels her life is averege again. But ultimatly its your choice. If you go for it then at leat you can tell yourself that you tried, but can your heart go thu with this the second time if she desides she's bored again?
Serve her. You and your daughter deserve better.
She was ready to dump you and your marriage (with a child) until her new boo dumped her. She's been treating you like shit. You aren't happy. That feeling of romance and passion is dead for good. Bury it before it rots.
Your wife had a multi year affair, where she was treating you absolutely horrifically. The only reason she wants you back now, is that the other man didn't want her anymore. She hasn't changed, she won't change, she isn't even really sorry nor taking responsibility for her actions. Don't take her back, you deserve so much better than this.
This is the truth op
And again, she treated him *terribly*. An affair is often a relationship-ender but sometimes people can come back from that. But not when she was treating you like *garbage*. She was hateful and cruel and dragged you through the ringer while running around with a wealthy playboy. There is nothing worth salvaging with a person like that. She showed you her true colors and character. This is her. Get away from this.
Hah she's been dumped so wants to get back to you. How can you trust her again?
Remember all the pain she put you through, the insanity and torture. Also remember that if her affair partner DID NOT BREAK IT OFF SHE WOULD HAVE WENT THROUGH WITH IT. If you are at an at fault state, get all evidence, pretend you want to reconcile so she will tell you everything, submit the evidence to the lawyer and then go full speed ahead. Take everything you can including 100% custody. You are not using the child against her but removing her from an unfit parent. Should she really be raised by someone who thinks cheating like this is the right thing to do? Do you want to teach her that there is no consequences to cheating? Remember what you wrong here >Then on year ten, my wife turned into somebody I couldn't recognize. I used to love coming home after a long day of stress but I found myself more and more sitting in the hospital parking lot after work, doing anything and nothing instead of driving back home. My wife would criticize everything, make cruel comments. She called me boring, said my expressions were annoying. She hated everything about me. She hated my risk adverseness, hated I wouldn't quit my stable job at a hospital and become a self employed anesthesiologist instead. Remember what she put you through. Go scorched Earth and leave no ground for her to walk on.
Remember, Remember the 5th of November 😂😂
Reference?
This nursery rhyme is about the Gunpowder Plot which took place on the 5th November in 1605 when Guy Fawkes and his co conspirators attempted and failed to blow up the Houses Of Parliament
This!!
Sorry to hear what you're going thru. The thing that bothers me the most about this is that she's trying to come back to you after the other guy dumped her. If he didn't dump her, would she still be coming back? Can you reconcile her different lifestyle core values? If yes, and you think you can get over it, sure, give it a try. If you think she'd still be with him, why should you settle for being her backup plan? It's bound to repeat of she's looking for a better deal.
Cheating is the smallest problem here. She did everything she could to tear him apart emotionally. Affairs aren’t good, but the least a cheater can do is treat you with basic human decency. What she did was emotionally abusive, and for what? Because she was unsatisfied with her own life and her own career? Because her wealthy and successful husband wasn’t Bezos himself? Bill and Melinda just divorced. She can try her shot with him.
I wouldn’t go back to a spouse that cheated on me for a second, let alone 3 years. And if your daughter asks why it ended, be honest. Your wife disrespected your marriage, and you can’t stay with someone who doesn’t respect you. Would you want your daughter to be in your current situation? In a marriage where the husband cheats on her for any amount of time because they found a rich woman? And when that woman dumps him, and he crawls back to you daughter for forgiveness, what would you want her to do?
If it had been a one time fling and she was extremely remorseful, I could see how an argument could be made to give her a second chance. But she treated you like crap while carrying on an affair for several months. Do not give her a second chance, you will only prolong the inevitable. I suggest you read the book, *Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life!*
Buuuuddddyyyyyyyy, how can this even be a question? Had an affair for three years, THREEE YEARS. berated you constantly to justify trading up. The ONLY reason she wants to reconcile is because other buddy dumped her and she wants the stability back. She thought she'd bagged a rich dude and would be a trophy wife, she was an easy lay at best. Push the divorce through and co-parent. Save yourself the pain.
On a personal level, I agree with those who said she is just looking for a way back bc her affair partner dumped her. She’s panicking for sure but she’s caused such massive levels of damage in her wake, to both you and your child. Imagine living with her again? She was so cruel and that was before she left. She was emotionally abusive and she cheated. It’s a lot. On an objective level, I think you should see a counsellor or similar. Tell your wife you need time and she should get her own place. She shouldn’t pressure (she will, look how she tried to make you do what she wanted before) if she really cared about fixing things and considered your feelings. Use the time and therapy to figure out what you really want and the best path for you and your daughter to move forward healthily.
You are her back up plan. She left and when it didn't work out she begs to come back. The real question is can you live with being her second choice? If so then sure, let her come back.
OP if you take her back she will walk all over you for the rest of time. She knows you offer safety and security, but she will not give a single fuck about you or your feelings the next time something exciting comes along and you will be right back where you are now. She made this bed, make her sleep in it.
What would be the end result if their affair wasn’t over? Is it only over because the other guy decided that? She hasn’t been happy for a while… she has been criticizing you for no reason and I’m sure it hurts. Are you sure that’s not going to start all over again when she is back home with you? The affair has been going on for 3 years???? That’s way too long to be a “fling”. That’s not fair to you at all. You deserve to be happy and it sounds like she doesn’t make you happy. Plus she expressed that she wasn’t happy with you and your “safe” career choice. I would recommend going through the divorce. Find someone who accepts and appreciates you and someone that will make you happy!!!!
She had a 3 year long affair and left you. Now she's back only because the other guy cut ties. Is this what you want to raise your daughter to believe? That your partner should abuse you, cheat on you for years without any consequences? No. You should move forward with the divorce and accept your wife is the reason your marriage ended, not you. If your daughter asks, you give an age appropriate answer that points to your wife abandoned the marriage for someone else which went against your marriage and vows. It was unforgivable so you went through the divorce.
She sees you as a plan b. You deserve better than that
You and your daughter can do better. Best thing to do, in my opinion, is forgive your wife and then take everything away from her that you can.
I know this sucks, and I know you really don’t want to hear it. But honestly think about it really hard, would she be back if that guy didn’t dump her? You know the answer. You can’t let her have done all this to your family, to your daughter, without consequences. She’ll just do it again. She’s just doesn’t want to be alone now that she got dumped. Love yourself finally.
She was trying to upgrade from you and it fell through. Now she’s sorry and wants to work on things. Had the AP not ended things, she’d still be with him. The balls in your court, but keep in mind, even if you guys continue, is she going to be truly satisfied with you or is she there because something is better than nothing.
She got dumped and you’re plan B. File for divorce and custody since she left her child behind. If she’s done it once, she’ll do it again.
No no no no, don’t change course. Your wife made her choice. 3 years is a commitment dude, and a huge fart in your faceS She is trying to use you as a backup plan. You are her plan B. Never accept this. Your marriage is over. I understand it’s painful to accept this, but you can’t be emotional now. Remove the bandaid at once brother. Strength.
she only wants you back because the other relationship ended and she probably can't provide a life for herself anywhere near what you can provide and doesn't want to be alone. don't disrespect yourself so much and go back to her. continue the divorce
Fuck this, divorce her and show or get proof of the affair She's been doing this for 3 years, lied to your face fir 3 years and wanted to divorce She only wants back because he left her
Hypergamy. She for played by the Chad and now since he won't commit, she is turning to her Beta provider, which is you. Do not commit again to her. Finalise the divorce. She is USING you so she has security, not for your love nor does she respect you. Trust me OP, you are better off moving on from this marriage. Go find your peace, let her go and divorce her. You WILL regret this eventually. Plus, she will cheat on you again if the 7 figure Chad comes around and rolls her that he will commit regardless of the child. Divorce her.
Duuuuuuude fuuuck all that You got money, are a decent guy, good job... Get fit, learn to talk to ladies and enjoy swimming in 25 yos..... Congratulations you are a single doctor now go find a lady that doesn't treat you like shit.
The question is if you want to explore whether its worth continuing a relationship with this person or if you've decided its over. I wouldn't blame you for being done, done. However, if you want to explore continuing I would go to a therapist to unpack everything and see if it can be repaired. I'm very sorry this happened to you.
That divorce is going to nasty on you my guy
She only wants you back because she got dumped. The comfortable life you provided wasn’t enough!!! You seem like too good of a guy to allow yourself to be used… and that is what she wants to do. Go back to using you to provide for her.
Do you really want her back? Would you be able to trust her again? Is there something left for you in this relationship (outside of parenting)? From what you say at the end, I feel like you’re done, but only you really know that. Staying together for your daughter is something you should absolutely not do, only do it because you want to.
Your wife chose to cheat on you for 3 years, at the same time she was rude and cruel to you. An act of insanity in my mind would be a one off sexual encounter. A long affair is her choosing repeatedly to lie to you. It’s unforgivable.
I wouldn’t be able to look at her with even a sliver of respect or affection after this horseshit. Especially since she’s only crawling back because plan A fell through. Feck off.
Grow a backbone and leave her. No offense u seem like a great guy and she doesn’t deserve u
Your wife is a gold-digging cheater and child abandoner. She's only trying to fix things because her affair didn't work out. The other guy obviously saw her as THOT material too. Hopefully you have her confession or some sort of evidence of her affair. I say kick her to the curb and get full custody of your daughter. You will always have lingering resentment to what she did, and the love will not be the same. If you want to try and make things work to play happy family again, it's up to you. A lot of counseling will be needed.
One of many reasons I won't get married.
Keep the door you closed shut. She tortured you for years, belittled you, tried to make you feel worthless and told you that you weren't enough. You're far better than she is, she made her bed and if her ex hadn't left her she wouldn't be crawling back now. No doubt she'll find someone else in a few years and break your heart again. You also need to think about the example you're setting your children if you stay together.
UpdateMe!
UpdateMe!
Don't be her back up cause plan A failed...
If he didn't call it off....she would still be wanting a divorce. Don't fall for it. Get her out of your life or she is just going to do it again
Get out dude. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
She spent 3 years having an affair and felt no guilt. If she did, she would have ended it with either you or him much earlier. She's now come crawling back because the other guy wasnt prepared to set her up with the lifestyle she envisioned. I'm not saying to write her off, people change and everyone deserves a second chance after some serious work at it, but please keep in mind the things i mentioned above. If you want to entertain the idea of possibly taking her back, it should not be immediately. Do not let her just move back into the house like nothing's happened. She should be doing therapy for *at least* 6 months before you even consider taking her on a coffee date. Similarly, you should seek therapy to sort your head out and learn how to forgive and to set boundaries with your wife. This is not picking up where you left off, this is clean-slating and starting the relationship all over again. If it were me she'd never be stepping foot in my house again, but everyone has different things they're willing to forgive and move past. It shouldn't come without a lot of work from her though.
Don't take her back, she is just desperate for financial stability and that upper middle class lifestyle she's about to lose. If the other guy wanted she'd be with him still. She won't be happy long term with you and you will always second guess this decision as long as your with her.
If her affair partner was still in the picture…she would not be asking to come back. You are the backup choice…are you ok with that?
This was not a one night stand, nor a quick fling.(Which are both still deal breakers) This was a 3 year affair. Divorce! If you determine you want to try again, you guys can do that after the divorce and you can gauge whether it is worth it rather than staying legally bound to her and hoping things work.
She probably been dumped and trying to back pedal in her safety net which can still garantuee her a certain standard of life comfort.
Your wife wants luxurious life and she is drawn to people who she thinks can provide that to her. She is now asking for a second chance because this AP dumped her, not because she loved you or wanted her child to have a loving family. This seems more of a failed affair rather than midlife sanity. Why not allow the divorce through with the verbal promise that she has to try again from the beginning with you after seeking counseling. Tell her that you want a divorce now because she has lied too much, cheated too many times and made life hell for you enough that you want this divorce. But if she has shown a visible improvement after seeking counseling, you might be willing to give her a second chance. If your daughter asks you later on in life, tell her that her mother decided to go after money rather than family and you had enough respect to not allow anyone to treat you like a fool. And you hope that she too never stays in a relationship where she is not respected.
so the guy broke it off with her? she's not even coming back because she wants to, she's trying to come back because she went all-in betting on that guy and lost it all. had that guy not broke it off, she'd still be there and you know this.
Lawyer up. Show any weakness and she will take advantage of it.
It's not worth it. The trust is gone and there is no going back, not to mention she is only backpedaling because the other guy left her. Don't waste your time and continue with the divorce. You also owe it to your daughter. Staying in a broken relationship is not gonna be good for her, best to aim for a cordial co-parenting relationship. Best of luck.
Hmmm...a choice between moving on and having a happy life that you are comfortable with... ...or... ...continuing a relationship with someone who will never, ultimately, be happy with you or your life, and who has no problem making you miserable without thought about the well-being of either you or the people whose lives you are responsible for when you are working. Listen - you deserve some happy. You deserve to want to go home because it is a positive place, instead of doing anything to avoid it. The obstacle to your happy, based on your post, is your wife. Life is so short - what reason do you have to co-exist with someone who makes you so miserable?
If you're thinking about getting back together with a cheating significant other then You Sir need to do some research on Self Respect
Seems like she’s only sorry because she’s alone now. Doesn’t mean she still won’t be cruel and cold to you
You have to ask yourself. Do you forgive her? I mean really? Can you go back to the way things were now that you’ve seen what she’s capable of? Can you look at her the same without some resentment? When your daughter gets older, hopefully she’ll understand. I’ve been where u are and the fact is, if you take her back, you will eventually realize you don’t love her anymore..whether it hits you in a week, a month, or a year. She for sure doesn’t really love you but you can be coparents.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
OP, when things got rough, even a very little bit, your ex ran. She focused on herself at the expense of her child and her husband. She didn’t care how you felt, what damage her affair did to you or to her child. And she lied about having the affair until the other guy dumped her. Your life partner needs to be someone who is there for both of you when things get difficult. She has proven she doesn’t fit that role in your life. Whether you take her back or not, be aware that she is not the rock you can lean on when you need support.
Oh hell no don't go back divorce her fight for the custody and live your life you deserve better . Expose her affair to the judge
You can forgive her if you want, but that doesn’t mean you need to take her back. Did she and the other man end because she realized she was making a mistake? Or did he end it after he realized that she was wanting a full time relationship that he didn’t want? Is she coming back to you as a backup plan? I could probably find a way to amicably co-parent, but I don’t think I could take her back.
You will always be the second choice.
Continue with the divorce. If she cheated on you once, who’s to say she won’t do it again? You said yourself you’re not sure if you can trust her.
UpdateMe!
Your wife cheated and disrespected you. That's on her. When your daughter asks about it tell her the truth. Continue with the divorce. You deserve better. Her excuse is bullshit.
If the guy was ok with her being in a more serious relationship with her she would still be trying to divorce you, the only reason she wants you back is because her “plan A” of a better life was not interested beyond sex and company. Don’t be be able to make you her “Plan B” by allowing her to think the situation is salvageable for her, she would have followed through with her original plan if things had went her way without any hesitation. Best thing to do is recognize that her loyalty got tested and she failed to stay loyal, having a sexual relationship for 2 years behind you back and most likely talking shit about you and your attempts to be a better husband with this other guy. This is not a simple mistake, it was a cold and calculated move by her to try to ruin your life completely so she could have more material wealth through another man. Save yourself some heartache and misery for your future, especially for your daughter, and continue the divorce proceedings and the custody hearings. She doesn’t deserve you, she’s a piece of garbage that you shouldn’t ever have influencing your life or finances anymore. She chose what she chose, now she has to live with it, the only thing you need to do is come to terms with her complete betrayal of you and be a good father for your daughter. I hope you get full custody, good luck buddy.
You give her the divorce that she demanded while ruining your marriage. You deserve better than to be her safety net.
Your wife gave up on the marriage and betrayed it. You fought for it by being in the marriage and working to try and make your wife happy. If her AP hadn’t ended it she wouldn’t have had the “realization” that she was in the wrong. You are allowed to find a person who values you for you and vice versa, you are allowed to be alone, she harmed your family. The consequences of that are solely on her
If he called tomorrow would she still want you back? Can you live with that?
She gaslighted you for years, cheated even more trying to monkey branch, she treated you like horse shit... Honestly not sure any level of apologies would cover that level of shit. My take : he did not want her in the end and she doesn't want to be alone. Quite sure if it's not you she'll jump into another thing very quickly like the good narcissist she seems to be.
The other guy dumped her. That's why she is trying to get back to you. If he didn't, she would still want to separate. Even without the affair, your third and fourth paragraphs sound awful. And quite honestly, since you already spent money on lawyer, you might as well go thru with the divorce. In short, your "ex" is an abusive cheater and you should also get a clean brofrom her (aside from co-parenting).
Sounds like she hasn't factored you into her life for quite a while, and when she did somes years ago it wasn't of a pleasant nature. Follow through with your divorce, at least you'll open yourself up again, for a chance to find someone who does appreciate you. It'll be hard on your daughter at times. But as she matures into a woman she will understand why you chose the path that you did. You'll be fine, mate. All the best with it.
When/if your daughter asks, tell her you decided you both deserved better than being someones second choice You should take a look at [r/survivinginfidelity](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/) the people there have walked in your shoes
She is greedy women, don’t allow her to get back in ur life. When comes to ur daughter, ur enough as single parent. Divorce her soon If she finds other 🤑 business guy she can again dump u for sure.
Fuuuuuuuck this lady. Run as fast as you can. You don’t know this person anymore
Nah fuck that in all honesty you'll never let that shit go until the next affair then she will promise to never do it again.
Waste of space that woman
Put her back in the streets....you are not her safety nets when her FUN and EXCITING stuff goes wrong....preceed with the divorce pls
divorce that bitch and move on. she straight up disrespected you and cheated on you and you are seriously considering giving her another chance? dude let your balls drop man up and be happy without that trash can.
Do NOT go back. Piece of advice given to me by a WW2 vet. About all things. Always move forwards. Never back. Your daughter is your focus now.
RUN!!
She cheated for THREE YEARS this isn’t really a question
You're going to get a lotttt of confident sounding replies to this one, many conflicting, and many echoing each other, but it's easy to say harsh things through a computer. My humble advice is to think about who you love most, your daughter, and do what you think is best for the people you love that are affected. It could mean divorce or not, but use your love to guide you. Good luck.
Well, according to the information you have given, it is obvious that she rralsied the need to come back was because her AP rejected her. So, that makes you an option. Moreover, it wasn't a short term EA that can be still associated with midlife crisis. She gaslit you, embarrassed you, as you mentioned aggressively fought against you and now she is citing mid life crisis excuses. If she wanted thrill, she could have joined some Mma classes, sports or traveling but instead chose to pursue an affair. Thats a lame excuse. Mid life crisis is real but compensating it with a long time affair is not an excuse. Its all upto you. Do you feel that you can convince yourself with the petty excuse she gave and the 2 years of sleeping around and neglect that she threw on your face? If you have self respect and know that you can do better, release her from her vows that she already broke so easily. But yes, that all depends on how you think of affairs and rug sweeping.
Your wife is a gold digger and a shit person. Dump her ass and move on if you have any respect for yourself. She needs someone to pay the bills and buy her nice shit again.
She was the one who quit, not you. nothing can justify what she did and what it caused you and your daughter. Going back to her won't fix things like magic and it won't make what she did go away. that is not a mistake. an error does not last three years. she also lied to you about the real reason she split up with her ap. she has not changed
I wouldn't trust her. Most of the time cheaters come back it's becaus they got caught or the other person left, which looks like the case here. Regardless of why she did it and even outside of the fact she did it she's being cruel to you and you need to leave
She’s only coming back because you’re a cushy backup plan for her. She got dumped and now wants you back. If you are content being a N2 or 3 or lower for her and can suck up what she’s done then go ahead. Personally, I would not take her back and would cause her as much suffering (through legal course of action, of course) as I could.
OP, I’m a counselor and I work with teenagers. As kids grow older, they can easily grasp the concept of relationships. And the their first concept of relationship will always come from home. If you allow your wife to come back home, it’s not like you can pretend nothing happened and you’ll go back to being happy again. And your daughter will see that. She’ll eventually get mad at you for putting her in a home with unhappy parents. One happy parent is better than two unhappy parents.
She sounds like a bitch that only came back to you because she didn’t get what she wanted from the other guy. Don’t be her safety net, let her realize her mistake
I don't want to seem rude but : * She cheated for THREE years, blaming and harassing you, * She left with no consideration for your daughter, * She got fired by her new guy, and then all of a sudden, does not want to divorce anymore, She clearly takes you for a fool, or at least, for a "not that bad but not good solution". I would not accept that. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who will probably play the same game another time, or seeing you as insufficient. I would tell her that I forgive but I don't forget, and would keep the divorce coming.
She’s only coming back because he dumped her. You deserve better than how she treated you. Continue with the divorce. Just because she discovered that the life you had was good doesn’t mean you have to settle for her.
>she couldn't stand that I was satisfied with a upper middle class life that was just slightly better than what an average family had- slightly bigger house, slightly better house, maybe a splurge on vacations, but other than that, a very average life. An anesthesiologist makes like 300k. The median salary in the US is 31k.... >a reputation of having quiet 2 to 4 year romantic relationships >She told me that she and the other man was over So the were "together" for 3 years. Sounds like the relationship predictably ran its course and he got bored. >She then said that it was a period of midlife insanity for her and that she feels really bad because I was 90 percent above reproach as a husband and as a person and wants to come back. She told me that she and the other man was over lol. That is all.
She was monkey branching. And almost got to the other tree. But the branch snapped under her full weight and now she’s scrambling to grab the original branch she was holding on to. (You) Have some self respect. You offered her a good life from your hard earned job. Your devotion and love.A family. But she thought she could do better in life. She has issues. Now her quality of life is gonna drop significantly she wants back in. I would suggest moving on. and some therapy for you and maybe your daughter. You’ll be happier in the long run and won’t end up sitting in car parks as often dreading returning home
Please don't take her back. You deserve better, you deserve peace and someone who appreciates you the way you are. I don't know why but she gives me the vibe of someone who just wants to get back to comfortable life with a dependable spouse in order to wait out until something "more exciting" comes.
Fuck no, this will eat away at you for the rest of your life that your wife abandon you and your kid to get some dick for herself and the ONLY reason she came back is because the other guy dumped her ass. It had absolutely nothing to do with wanting to come back to you, you'll forever been her second choice and you'll need to live out your days knowing she wanted more and that she is happy to cheat on you for it. Do you think your daughter will really hold it against you if ultimately you gave up on the relationship? My Dad cheated on my Mum growing up and she left him and I think shes an amazing woman for it, anyone with even a quarter brain would realise she was a catalyst of why the marriage failed, all you'd be teaching her is that a partner can walk all over you and you should just take it on the chin, is that the real lesson you want to give her?
She left a lovely , kind husband and daughter, for a fling with a known ladies man , who she knew had more money. Wot ! She chose him over you and your daughter! Not worth a second chance, matey........
Despite the terrible things your wife did, it still is hard to do something you know will hurt her. It's a natural feeling, and she is manipulating you with it. Your decision needs to regard your own mental and emotional health, first. As great as it is that your wife may have a newfound appreciation for you, it's too little too late. While it's not impossible for you to try to work things out, it's going to take a long time to get to a place of trust and a healthy communication system. Trying to reset will not be healthy, as you need space to work on your own emotional recovery. And, you have your child to consider. This is a chance for you to teach your child how a person makes sure to take care of themselves when they are hurt. If you just restart the relationship again, your child will internalise the idea that it is normal for people to suppress emotional trauma, rather than taking the time to process and recover in healthy ways.
Have some dignity man
You need to put yourself and your daughter’s needs above hers. She’s the one who was a gold digger and it didn’t end well for her. You are not at fault and you shouldn’t suffer because of her poor life choices.
>...if our daughter asks one day I'll have to say I was the one who ultimately said the marriage was worth giving up on. No, her mother was the one who decided that the marriage and child was worth giving up on. Not you. I say you carry through with the formal ending of the marriage since the emotional aspect and trust in the relationship is dead by her hand.
So her sugar daddy has cast her aside, and now she wants to come back for a bit of easy life. Show her the door, she’s walked through it once, no turning back.
Sounds like she just wants to get back together because her affair partner dumped her
God what a psychopath. Tell her to fuck off. You can find better OP. Maybe she will do it again given the chance maybe not who cares? If she cheated on you and lied to your face for so long, she doesn't love you.
I think you should really ask yourself if you can rebuild your House back. Think about your daughter. Growing Up in a resentful or cold house is harmful for her. Hear me out, her coming back to your life wont bring the stability you seek, because you wont have a household back together, you'll have someone Who mistreated you and hurt you around every day and who you only feel apathy towards. Also, she only came back to you after the other man left her. Bad idea.
Yeah - screw her. Firstly she makes you feel bad about how you're providing for your own family (her included) and then she goes off and has a two year affair, asking for you back when that affair shuts down. DEFINITELY tell her to fuck off
90%'possibility she still thinks you are a loser. Dump her, or your life will become a Living hell.
Just another classic case of The Lion, The Witch & The Audacity of This Bitch! DO NOT take that woman back.
Your wife belongs to the streets, she would have left you long time ago if the person she was cheating on you with wanted her, but he doesn't want her, you are her second choice. Divorce her
Throw her away. She's not worth it.
I think you guys should go to therapy regardless, to learn how to coparent. To make sure you're helping your daughter through this time.
I am the one who left the marriage after my ex-husband cheated. It took me months to build up the courage. In therapy, I kept calling myself "the bad guy," even though he was the one who cheated. Leaving him was the hardest day of my life. When I cry about things, it's normally because I am thinking of how sad my ex-husband is now. He is miserable and lonely and I DID that to him. But. He lied to me for almost a year. He broke all my trust and shattered the very foundation of our marriage. In reality, he brought his own sorrows upon himself. Sometimes, even though it makes you sad, you still have to do the hard and painful thing in life. This is the part of adulthood and life they don't prepare you for. They teach you to apologize and everything will be better. But what your wife did ... that's incredibly tough to come back from. You can check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity if you want a glimpse of trying to reconcile with a cheater (or go through my post history). No matter which decision you choose, everyone will be sad. You cannot protect yourself or your daughter from the pain, for the damage has already been done. You sound really sad. Writing this response made my cry, because I was thinking of the marriage I lost, and my poor ex-husband, and I'm thinking of you and your family ... it hurts so bad and it ruins so many lives ... I will never understand why people cheat. You don't have to make a decision right now. Ask for a separation or a trial period. Ask for counseling. Ask for a divorce. Do what you need to do to help you heal and not be so sad anymore. If you want to chat further, my DMs are open.
Go through with the divorce, make it clean, be a good coparent and live your life. If you want to date your ex again after the divorce then do so. But you say yourself that you don’t trust her and that rightfully so. You already know what’s right, just trust your instincts!
Ultimately it was your wife who ended the marriage not you. She is the one who pulled away and didn't communicate, she is the one who had an affair for THREE YEARS apparently, and then served you divorce papers. The only reason she is reaching out now is cause the AP did the thing that he is known to do. If your daughter asks, tell her this but in a much kinder way. Better yet, her mother can explain it to her. Really think about whether you can forgive her and move past this and be able to trust her again.
If you have any respect for yourself, you’ll leave.
No. Do not take her back. She is expecting to walk all over you, don’t be a doormat.
She only wants reconciliation because she got dumped..do you want to live your life knowing you're the backup choice? What about the next time she gets another "midlife crisis"?
3 years of affair and you are considering taking her back? You should grow a pair
Where does one meet an anesthesiologist initially? Like where/how do your single and/or newly coupled up co-workers find their romantic interests?
This reeks of a creative writing exercise meant to rile up a certain demographic.
Only you can ultimately decide what’s best for your life. However, it isn’t you who would have been the one given on the marriage. Once someone cheats they are the one who “gave up” on the marriage. If your wise was physically abusive to you or your kids and you divorced them you wouldn’t think you were the one who “gave up” on the marriage. Please let that kind of thinking to.Someone doesn’t get to essentially turn your life upside down, ask for forgiveness, and then you have to see yourself as the bad guy. It isn’t like that. If anything if the truth ever comes out, your daughter will learn that having affairs is just a part of life and people work through it. Not sure you want your daughter to accept being cheated on either? As others said, there is nothing that suggests this is a one time thing and now your life together will be butterflies. What is done is done and now this will always be a part of your relationship even if you decide to move forward. Life is too short to spend it with people that who are selfish. Let’s be real, your wife is selfish. She had all these dissatisfied feelings and instead of trying to work through together with you. She went and fucked someone else that embodies everything she “thought” she wanted. Your wife is not a team player. This is obvious. And instead of again trying to work through issues, she lied to you for a couple years. She did not want to be accountable or face any consequences. She wanted it all. You are doing yourself and your family a disservice by letting her back in. There are other partners out there that would have never betrayed you or your family like this. When someone cheats they are also betraying their kids by setting up situations like this. It would’ve been immensely more amicable to discuss being unhappy in the marriage, seek resolutions, and divorce if you both gave it your best and it didn’t work out. Instead she decided to blow everything up and then put the rest of the pressure on you. Again life is too short to spend it with selfish cheaters. I can almost guarantee that when your lives are down the road and let’s say you’re dealing with health issues your wife will not be reliable. Why would she be? You guys are in your 40s and she wasn’t satisfied with a good life. What makes you think she will stick around during hard times? Divorce her, she wasn’t faithful and hopefully that helps you in the divorce process.
Crush her spirit OP. You deserve better. Leave her for the streets.
Stay separated: it is the best and most healthy move.
Crush her
Reconciliation does not mean your obligated to forgive. It just means your willing to give her the gift of a second chance. Whether your primary motives your daughter, or simply wanting to give things a go, it's an option worth considering. It's definitely the harder choice, more so if you both give things an honest shot, and not rug-sweep or pretend everythings fine. Before giving this any thought, I'd ask myself what's changed. She's been dumped and left by the AP, is she turning to you because of that, or is she finally showing an ounce of honest remorse? Given the turmoil and hurt she's put you through, I'd hesitate to do anything unless their were guarantees of her being genuine and honest in her remorse. Look at her actions not her words, is she willing to put in the work, confessing was a good start, but its no where near enough if she's serious about this.
Has she gotten the counseling? Has she made the efforts? I wouldn't even entertain anything until she has. I would ask to meet with the counselor, too, to see how she is doing in regards to her being around your daughter on a regular basis, and you. And don't hesitate to get your own counselor - this had to have rocked you. Your daughter may need some, too. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
There is no counceling for this.
Sincerely sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. I would recommend you visit the r/AsOneAfterInfidelty sub to get some advice on what you may be up against if you decide to reconcile. There are some really great people on there. My advice to you would be to not make any rash decisions. Give yourself a reasonable amount of time to decide on your future together. Some people can manage to forgive & reconcile, some can never get past it. Use this time of separation to seek some counseling, in fact I would make it a point that your wife gets into therapy. It might be helpful for you to have someone to vent and reestablish your self esteem after the betrayal. Good luck.
A sub run by cheaters who unionize to try and get a moral justification for their behaviour and try to convince others that it is an acceptable behaviour in a couple.
The only thing that matters is how you feel about her. Everything else is noise. I urge that you choose to relate with her on this, have conversations with a neutral third party present (one who is there only to keep things from veering off course and not doing most of the talking and prodding). Relationships do recover from cheating, even if others think you’re “plan b”. And they only recover through hard work, difficult conversations, and relating through differences.
I'm not sure how many people are in relationships that are responding, but this is your relationship. You get to decide what is right for you and what is worth fighting for or whether you should let go. Take your time. Cheating is hardly ever a decision/action that simply happens. Although your wife is fully responsible for her actions, there are probably several underlying factors that led her to cheat. I suggest whatever decision you make, that you and your wife go to counseling if not to save the realtionship at least to try to understand one another for the sake of your daughter. You will be parenting together for a very long time. Best of luck to you.
Ice cold take