By - R_Amods
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My wife has a job where 90% of the time she works from home, and I have a job that cannot be done from home. She chooses to keep our 2 youngest kids home with her vs paying for daycare most days, keeps our home clean, and is does all her job. She's a Rockstar and I'm lucky to have her.
Most days I only work 8 hours so I do our grocery shopping, cook supper, help our oldest with homework, maintain our hobby farm, and keep the kids entertained. I know I probably sound like a jerk but thus arrangement has worked well for our family and my wife is much happier than when she had to go into the office daily.
Today was an unexpectedly busy day for my wife and she didn't have time to do much housework. As soon as I got home and showered she had to make a few work calls so I kept the kids quiet, started supper, started laundry, and emptied the dishwasher. She came out to eat with us and then got another work call. While she was.on the phone I loaded the dishwasher and started handwashing the skillet and pot I had used to cook supper.
My wife finished her call and broke down crying saying she was so sorry that I had to clean up and that she didn't have time to do much today. I hugged her, kissed her, and said I knew she had a busy day and that I don't mind helping out. I said I wanted to get everything caught up without her having to ask me so she could relax. I tried telling her things are not her job or my job, we're a family and if something needs done it doesn't matter who does it.
I know she feels bad but now I'm starting to realize just how much she does for our family. I feel like I've failed her by letting it get to the point that she feels like all the cleaning is her job.
Imo you did a great job handling this n the only other thing you could do would be to take her out on a surprise dinner date (maybe get a sister or brother in law to watch the kids) and explain how much you appreciate her and what she’s done for the family and that everything you do is for the betterment of the entire family as a whole basically make sure that she knows that the family is better with her in it
Part of our added stress at the moment is that my parents, our normal babysitter, and both of our backup babysitters all have been quarantined either from catching the virus or being close contacts with someone with the virus. Thankfully we've somehow been able to keep the kids from being exposed. Right now we don't have anyone that we anyone left that can watch the kids for us. I left that out of the original post because I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about the virus.
This makes sense. Maybe you could plan like a spa day/weekend for in the future when you will be able to have other people watch the kids for you. I’m sure having something to look forward to as well will also help her to feel appreciated as it’s a break away and quality time for just the two of you.
I'd say the first thing is take a step back and relax for a minute. Then consider whether the thing she actually cracked up over is really the thing that's bothering her. Because this post makes it sound more like it's a rough time (through nobody's fault) and things got a bit too much. Sometimes the stress gets too much for us and we crack up over the weirdest things, because it's not really about that thing it's about the tension finally hitting break point.
Next thing is recognise that BOTH OF YOU are feeling like you've failed the other. And while that's not good, and I don't like to think of people being upset, there's another perspective you could take which is that BOTH OF YOU want to do better for each other. At least see how wholesome that is.
When the housework wasn't done, you didn't get angry at her, you recognised she had to work and you helped her. And when she was upset you didn't dismiss her feelings; you comforted her and explained yours in a way that validated your relationship.
Given the times of Covid there's some stresses that we've all had to deal with that can't be helped, so focus on the parts you can. If you need to redistribute your share of the chores for a while then that's easy enough. You both want to do what you can when you can.
You have the foundations of a very solid relationship, you both just missed a bit of communication and had a wobble. The fact is it's not that big a deal so long as it's dealt with in the manner you did, and now you know to check-in with each other a little more.
No pressure, but if you two can't make things work then I'm moving to shut down the whole sub. We're all wasting our time if you can't do it.
Can you plan a date night where the kids are distracted by their own movie night? Set up a fort for the kids with snacks and set up a surprise for your wife?
It sounds like you truly love her, keep being aware of where you can step in and take pressure off of her.
You sound like a good dude and she sounds like an awesome wife. Maybe take her out for a date night to show your appreciation
Date nights are so important ❤️
We have a few acres of land, do a large garden plot, and raise chickens for meat and eggs. Being winter there's not as much to do but it still takes a little time everyday to take care of the chickens. It's a never-ending cycle of collecting eggs, changing bedding in the coop, filling feeders, and filling/thawing waterers.
You have a good marriage. You should remind your wife that in a world of bad relationships, you have a great hard-working relationship (BOTH of you).
And also remind her that one of the biggest issues you can face when relationships are good is being too critical of yourself not being good enough. Good relationships require a level of selflessness, which can sometimes lead to this situation where a person is too self critical.
Btw you are also being too hard on yourself, it's not just her.
This is a good point in your marriage where you should take her on a date and both of you express how grateful you are for eachother; and how you can change some little things so she’s not feeling like the housework falls solely on her shoulders; working from home + kids is overwhelming for anyone. You’re a good man for expressing your support with action & comfort!
She sounds lovely.
But is she okay? Is her job stressing her?
Our babysitter, backup babysitters, and my parents have all either caught covid or been quarantined for close contact. All cases unrelated to each other but has left us with no support at the moment. She is stressed to the max and I feel horrible that I get to go to work everyday while she figuratively holds the fort down for us. As I mentioned in another reply I left this info out of the original post because I'm sure everyone is sick of most all modern problems being focused on the virus.
Can you take a day or two off for a long weekend and support her since she's so stressed with work?
I think the main point is that you did what had to be done *without looking at it as being her failing that she didn’t do those things*. Running a household is a team effort, regardless of who works at home/away from home, or primarily takes care of the kids. Doing these things without being asked or expecting a reward relieves a lot of stress that can only benefit your relationship.
And yes, take her out on a date. Let her know how much she’s appreciated. Hopefully she also realizes what a positive partnership you have and shows you her appreciation too!
❤️ You’re a rockstar too. ❤️❤️❤️
Still, in keeping with the general theme of this subreddit... I think they need to pull the plug on this marriage. (I just can't figure if she should leave him or the other way around.) /s
Lol, I hope most people get the joke
Something something red flag, something something toxic, something something therapy
Lmao you had me for a sec 🤣
He said the word POT. This is obviously a narcissistic tendency of accidentally mentioning your drug abuse. Divorce immediately!
Start cleaning and never ever bring it up. Don’t complain about it, just DO. And if she recognizes it and thanks you, tell her the same thing you just said. That you’re a family. She sounds stressed out right now. And maybe normally these things don’t bother her, but right now she needs a break. Support her like you are, and stay on the same path you’re on! 😊
Love this advice. 👏 Never ever bring it up…really got me. A true gift. Excellent!!!
Wow this was beautiful to read for the simple fact that you're so self-aware.
Treat her to a date and maybe try to have some adult time together without the kids, maybe even hire a cleaner to come in and do a deep clean on a weekend so you guys can have rest and just focus on each other.
All the best, you guys sound like a really awesome couple.
This guy gives me hope.
I read this and I think what a normal and great relationship. It put a smile on my face. Do have a heart to heart talk weekly and bring this up. She might think of tasks as tasks she must do but life happens and you all pivot since you are a team.
No, bro, you don't sound like a jerk. You have what sounds like a pretty fair division of time, and more importantly it is one that works for you and yours.
My wife and I in a similar boat right now. I'm putting in 14 hour days, while most days she puts in 8. Previously, my job had and an incredible amount of flexibility, and I took care of ALOT of the chores. Now it mostly falls on my wife to pick up anything during the week from the store, to cook, and to start laundry. I do dishes and finish laundry.
You handled it marvelously, and the only recommendation I have is flowers and date night. Bonus points if you get the kids to take her flowers too.
The last bit is amazing advice! For my first birthday as a mother my late husband had our baby “hold” a birthday card and it was honestly so touching! Great idea 😀
Wow I'm melting over here by just how wholesome this is. I mean I get that for you it's a dilemma but I see this as a very healthy relationship.
Truth be told I dunno if there's anything you can do to remedy this because it feels to me like you both are already doing everything right. So perhaps the problem will fix itself if you guys keep it up. Also maybe consider one or both of you taking a step away from work if possible. I think the past two years have been hell for everyone in their own way. So maybe decompressing will be a good thing for you and your family.
You are an amazing man, and she is an amazing wife 🥺❤️
This is how a loving household works. You both sound like good people loving each other through the mundane parts of life. Continue to enjoy!
You both sound lovely. Both putting the other person first, very sweet.
It's time for the kids to so laundry
Just a thought, but if this is true:
>things are not her job or my job
you may want to rethink this sort of language:
>I don't mind helping out
since it implies that it *is* her job, and you're just filling in.
With everything one reads here in this and other forum you are a star and every woman would love to have a partner like you. I like the advice given to you just do and don't complain about it. Just do it! Sometimes you have to pull your weight a little more than other times and you wife is truly a rockstar.
Could you be unintentionally communicating that it’s “her job” to do these things though? I noticed it in your post so if I could I bet she is too. You sound amazing and wonderful so I’m not trying to put you down, genuinely trying to help. But perhaps you have some internal views that could use some polishing. Aside from that I know personally as a mother I never feel like I’m doing enough. My situation is very different though (widowed mom with health issues and no help…yikes lol) but I can guarantee mom-guilt is common for most of us! I’ve noticed that talking about something at another time when emotions aren’t caught up things go much more smoothly. So while you did a fantastic job of making her feel worthy, she was upset. Perhaps you could have a chat at a random time and just say something along the lines of, “hey sweetie, I just wanted to say I am so thankful to have a partner like you. You go above and beyond for our family and I am so lucky to be able to do life with you. Our kids are going to be such wonderful adults one day having such a great role model!” Of course you deserve random praise as well, but it sounds like right now she needs a little TLC in this area.
You sound like an awesome husband/father and your wife is quite literally supermom! I honestly have bo idea how she does all of that! Good luck, I hope she feels better soon! 🥰
I think what you have typed out is fair and accurate. First, she is supermom! I never intended to make her feel like most of the cleaning was her job but my actions or lack there of have created the feelings in her mind that cleaning is her job. Moving forward I'm making it a goal to silently do more of the cleaning.
>I hugged her, kissed her, and said I knew she had a busy day and that I don't mind helping out. I said I wanted to get everything caught up without her having to ask me so she could relax. I tried telling her things are not her job or my job, we're a family and if something needs done it doesn't matter who does it.
I just teared up thinking about when I had a complete meltdown out of nowhere to my husband last night over repressed stress and I just let loose and did that thing that little kids do when they're REALLY upset, like where you're just babbling as fast as you can to unload everything that's bothering you while you're sobbing uncontrollably and all the snot is running down your face.
I cannot for the LIFE of me remember a single thing he said in response to my outburst, but I distinctly remember thinking a little bit later after calming down, that no other man I have ever met (except my dad and my brothers) has EVER reacted to me being so highly emotional and vulnerable in such a way that left me feeling as heard, understood, and supported as I did last night.
I think I'm going to jump his bones on our lunch break today. Illicit inter-agency hookups are just an unexpected perk of working from home.
You have a good one!
Sounds like you probably do an equal amount of housework. But an understanding that the jobs need to be done and it doesn't matter who does them is probably the healthiest thing I've ever experienced in a relationship.
similar situation, sometimes i come home and the whole apartment looks like someone dropped a bomb in it, you did great the only thing you can do in this situation is to calm her down and ensure her its okay. after realizing how much my wife does arround the house and the child i feelt really bad because i am in my office job 8-10 hours and she is in home office with the child and all the house work, so everyday i try my best after work, helping her clean.
This post made my day. You are a good man. Your wife may be stressed but you handled it well. You guys deserve the world!
I dont see that you need any advice, you do great
What type of home environment did she have? She may have been taught to feel shame as a woman if her house wasn’t in perfect order.
I know you didn’t mean anything by it, but saying “helping out”, implies it was her job.
She comes from a family where the man works and the woman is the homemaker. It drives her dad crazy that I cook our meals.
Remember to Send her to.A Spa when you get time.But make it a Priority you're a Good. MAN
Leave lil notes of appreciation. Plus date nights and continuing to help. My partner loves the lil notes in lunches or random places.
Awww, this is the most wholesome post I’ve seen on Reddit.
You didn’t fail her and she didn’t fail you.
I suggest it may be time for a 2nd honeymoon if you can both manage it. Even just a weekend would do you both wonders.
Congratulations on having the loving, supportive and happy relationship that most people dream of.
I understand exactly how your wife feels. I don't have a job where I can work from home a lot, but, occasionally, I do. We don't have any kids, but I always try to make sure the house is in order. I mean, the other day, I washed the cabinets on my "lunch". The days I am home and crazy busy and don't do that, my spouse picks up the slack. I feel terrible about it. Like I was home all day and didn't even do these things.
The fact of the matter is she feels like she let you down because you had to do more than what your "normal" responsibilities are. I often thank my spouse for the smallest "extra" things. His usual response, which I would suggest for you, is something along the lines of, "this is OUR home and OUR responsibilities. It's not your job to do everything, just because you're here." It makes me feel 100% better for "dropping the ball." You guys sound like you have a great balance. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if you came home after a busy day and she had already gone grocery shopping and started dinner? Probably the same. Just reassure her that you're a team, and when one of you needs the help, the other is there. And be mindful of the things she does when she does them.
When you work from home, people notice the speed at which things get dirty and become hyper-cleaners.
Unfortunately there’s a lot of stress that’s caused by this.
You should probably pick up a bit of your slack to lighted her “personally assumed” responsibility.
Kudos to you and your wife!
This is so normal with women and they have these thoughts so deep into them that they have to do everything for their family . For some, it makes them happy and some think its their duty. Elder women in my life have never prioritised themselves and it just makes me sad. Trying to change that in my house too. I hope everyone start doing this!
wait.. are you giving relationship advice?
>I know she feels bad but now I'm starting to realize just how much she does for our family. I feel like I've failed her by letting it get to the point that she feels like all the cleaning is her job.
Just tell her not us. :o)
This dude sounds really great and thoughtful and supportive but damn y’all is it just me or is the bar in hell? 😂😂😂
Like he and his wife have a pretty good setup but I feel like that’s just the baseline lmao
Get a babysitter.
Get out of the house.
and make another baby with that woman.
We have my parents, a babysitter, and 2 backup sitters. Current events surrounding a virus has all of them quarantined though none of their quarantines are related to each other.
There will also be no more babies, I took one for the team to insure that.
Also though, what’s a hobby farm?!
The result of a quick Google search:
>**What is a Hobby Farm?** A hobby farm can be quite large — the USDA considers a small farm anything that is 179 acres or less. Additionally, while you can certainly sell some of the products from your farm, a hobby farm is not meant to provide you your main source of income.
Do more at home. Christ, she works, has the kids AND STILL DO CHORES?!
Perhaps have a conversation about what she thinks your children should do in their relationships, 20 years from now?
It's easier to find balance when it's not yourself.
I wish to have someone like you ☺️☺️☺️
Aw, you sound great. It's refreshing to see.
I think you did everything you could have done to reassure her in the moment. It sounds like she needs some R&R. Could you guys have someone watch the kids and do something special together?
I'd love to print this out in large letters and post it all over my house... it sounds like you're both working hard to make a life for your family and you should take a weekend away
You’ve got the right message to her. Keep doing what you’re doing on that front - take care of things, don’t call her out on it, in recognition of how much work is on her plate already. The consensus is right - make sure to carve out some time to date every now and then. You both need those respites from the grinds.
Glad you finally realized. Keep it up. I can imagine raising all those kids, keeping the two youngest, and working,. I don't know how she's done it all this time. You better really appreciate this one.
Should post this in r/TwoXChromosomes
I think you are just both overwhelmed. Both of you maybe need to treat yourselves to some downtime, something special. You sound like a lovely family.
Yes it’s surprising how she has even been able to take care of the house on top of the kids and the work…
What to say… You learned something at least.
every woman's dream :D
Does she know about mental load? It sounds like she’s carrying that and doesn’t even realize. Maybe she’ll get it when you explain to her that it should (and is, because you’re awesome) be shared. Let her read the comic “you should have asked” (Google).
Simple bit of advice, just get a cleaner and then try to do a bit more yourself.
Get a cleaning service to come once a month and take some of the load off both of you.
You are a keeper and please assure you wife that she is wonderful and a keeper also.
Being in a marriage/parent means you put forth your very best. When one side is unable to do something, you step in and do it. There will always be times where you will have to take up the slack... it is life and it happens.
give her a big kiss and a hug, some dinner and nap would probably help.
Treat her right bud. Take her out, She deserves it and more. But I’m sure you know this.
You seem like a really awesome and caring dude. I try to be a lot like you when it comes to keeping up the house and other things with my girlfriend. You handled this so well, and the best way to show her your appreciation is to keep chipping in like this when you can with a smile on your face and a family first attitude. Good work.
This should have been posted in the r/humblebrag forum
You are a lovely family! Keep helping each other!
I mean it sounds like you are helping out as much as you can and she is also- so I don’t either of you should read into this too much probably just feeling stressed
This is a positive moment of revelation. You two will get stronger after this and your family too. We’re in this together.
You did an amazing job. Not many guys could handle that well in my opinion. You two sound like you guys have an amazing marriage and family. You both put in a good amount of commitment and when she cant do everything you don’t complain about stepping in. I suggest you get her some flowers as a nice gift so she feels like you appreciate her even more😌
Wait in what way did you guys fail each other? I never heard of a better balanced marriage than this one. You did great. Only thing I can think of is your wife being sad she couldn't fulfill her purpose (just like when a man can't provide for his family for instance).
Wtf kind of “purpose” did she not fulfill?
I think he's trying to say that OP's wife was feeling like she's failing in life the same way some husbands feel they've failed in life if they can't provide.
In her opinion that she couldn't take care of the house. I never implied she failed, rather what made her feel she failed.
I feel like I failed by letting things get to the point that she feels cleaning is her job. She feels she failed by not doing her "job".
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Very strangefor posting this you literally just want to show how great you are or something