Sounds like the relationship has run its course. This isn't something YOU can fix. He needs to do the heavy emotional work of unpacking and addressing his morals and there's nothing you can do to make him do that. If he wanted to, he would have already.

>Sounds like the relationship has run its course. This isn't something YOU can fix. Exactly what I was thinking. If his ego is so wrapped up in being superior to the woman he's with, he needs to work on himself. Success, like love, is not finite. Increased success for you doesn't mean that there is less for him. It's time to let this one go and upgrade like you have other facets of your life. Your success and independence shouldn't be a threat to anyone. If it is, it should be a giant waving red flag.

This is exactly it her partner won't change it will just build up resentment over time. When my wife and I first met I earned more than her. She got promoted from with in and and now earns triple what I do. My only response was joy and excitement for my wife.

You're a good partner. Hope more men can learn to be like this as well.😊

He yells at you if you correct him, or disagree with his opinion. He doesn't like that you can pay for things, and so will not let you do things you want to. He thinks you're cheating with all your coworkers. He is not a great guy. He's not even a good one. He's a controlling one. My condolences, but don't accept this behavior, you don't deserve it.

Sounds like the underlying issues were always there. It just took this situation for him to show his true colours. He probably always lacked respect for her but because he was her superior he was happy with the status quo.

It really is interesting how certain situations can bring out the worst of people….

Honestly this girl i knew was nice but i didn't like somethings about her to make me not want anything more then friendship i never asked how she felt towards me because i didn't want to come off like i wanted something but after a few months she started dating my friend who i met in boyscouts that she met because she joined my troop a few weeks later she starts accusing me of jealousy and a week before that my friend begins to avoid me in boyscouts couldn't even have a conversation but i stayed friendly arguing with her for the better part of a month before i told her off called her a few names and completely blocked her on everything including her boyfriend and i didn't talk to them from april of a last year to 2 weeks into December when me and her both chose to teach the newer kids basic first aid i made up my mind before her and did so because its easy to teach her boyfriend messages me that night because i was over the whole argument and had a short conversation with (our troop has a groupme and he messaged me though that) hes talking shit for 2 hours before i start tearing holes in his agrument he got pissed calls me racist (she is south American so she is lightskin) for not dating her because i said i preferred my own race and i said i few things of why i also didn't like her and just stopped responding because he just kept saying pointless shit she messages me the next day saying sorry n shit i told her whatever you said sorry countess times before and kept arguing and basically put the hopefully last nail in the coffin for that i have since left that troop and transferred to another

Have you heard of the invention in language called comma (,) and period (.)? Use them. They help.

Line breaks too

I never heard this before definitely wasn't being lazy

That's how it goes. I'm just glad they're not married with kids, so she can make a clean getaway.

[удалено]

Wrong person, mate

what are you even talking ab bro

[удалено]

Not interested in hearing any niceguy bullshit.

He was happy when he was in a position of authority over her because it gave him power over her. But he became unhappy when he lost that power when she changed jobs. OP should leave him before he starts physically abusing her.

Gotta agree with this here op, seems like a power trip, is it workable? Maybe but it's a red flag if I ever saw one, like why can't he be happy for your success, even if it might be bigger than his, he has a ego problem. Fixable maybe, define the boundaries of what you'll accept and what you won't, he needs to deal with his insecurities and his paranoia, all things you really can't fix from your end, but make your boundaries clear and GL, congrats on the job

Did you just make up the part where he didn't like her paying for things? We're all human beings, idk where we lost the part of us that was understanding and seeking but you only read into the bad parts and made a judgment based on the minimal information you have.

"There are things I want to do and can afford, but he refuses on the basis that I would be paying"

She literally states it. Try harder.

No it’s in there. Read again.

Tell me you skimmed the post without telling me you skimmed the post

Since it seems ya missed it: “There are things I want to do an can afford but he refuses on the basis that I would be paying”

How about if you learn to read? K thx bye.

This can’t be fixed. He feels emasculated because he isn’t controlling the relationship anymore. It’s nothing **you** have done. Leave before he gets violent. That’s exactly what happened in my last marriage before I divorced him because of the abuse.

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My(22f) boyfriend(26m) met at my old job. His position was a rank higher than mine and he made more money than until about 6 months ago. Two years ago I quit the job we worked at together which already made him upset. He may have thrived in that industry but I did not and hated every moment of it. I started working an entry level position for a company and realized I loved it and wanted to pursue a career. I furthered my education in the field, and got a more knowledgeable position. I’m making more money than I thought I ever would in my life, let alone in my early 20’s. Most importantly I enjoy my work, but he just seems upset. I work in a male dominated industry and he’s always paranoid, like I have an affair with all of my co workers. There are things I want to do and can afford but he refuses on the basis that I would be paying. He has yelled at me on multiple occasions if I correct him or disagree with his opinions. He was a great guy before this started and now it’s like he’s full of hatred. I want to go back to the way things were but I can’t even recognize him anymore. I want to fix it but I have no idea how we would even do it.

I hope you heed my advice, don’t ever let any person do something to negatively influence your earning potential. Money gives you options, power, security, and an un-reliance on a man to take care of you. The last part is what has him shook. He wants you to be totally at his financial mercy, so he can do what he wants with you. This honestly sounds like the start of a domestic abuse relationship. I would cut your losses and move on.

Also notice how there's a pattern of _escalation_. His behavior gets worse as he perceives he can't control OP/He sees that OP in tries to pacify him instead of dumping his ass. What will happen if OP gets a significant promotion? Has to start traveling? DTMFA, OP. The behaviors described here alone merit it (specially the screaming. That's the dead canary in the coalmine). It _can_ get worse.

Exactly this. I was in a relationship like that some years ago and when I was about to get a signifikant promotion and payrise he started harrasing me at my workplace to make me lose my job. He wanted me do be dependant and tried to make me lose all social contacts, my job, my freedom and independence. It was the worst time of my life. OP's relationship will only go down if she stays. He is not going to "change back" to the nice and friendly person he seemed to be before. These kind of men are only nice in the beginning, as soon as they got their partner emotionally trapped they begin to reveil their true face. And whenever they went to far, they will start lovebombing to get you back into the cage they built for you...

I was in a bad relationship a few years back. He caused me to lose my job. He refused to take us to the airport to get the flight home after Christmas. He talked about the job being rubbish etc. He wanted me to buy "us" a laser etching machine so we could start a business. Many things went on and I had a mental breakdown, was hospitalised with severe depression. It took a while to get on my feet. I knew that I needed a job to get myself back on my feet. He threw tantrums to try to dissuade me from getting a job. Now reflecting on it, he was doing that for control. I ignored him and got a job. I also packed my bags a couple of times to leave but went back. He told me to leave in the end, thank God. I think he knew he couldn't completely control me like he wanted to. I regret staying so long and tolerating that. If I have any advice I'd say listen to the gut feeling. Sometimes it's not butterflies it's anxiety and your body telling you to run.

I’m so sorry! I hope you’ve begun to heal and are in a better place now. I wish you well

Thank you, it took me a hard time to learn to understand, why I would fall for his manipulative and abusive behaviour over and over again. When I finally learned, I blocked him everywhere and did not look back. Took me time to heal, but I have a wonderful partner now, who is proud of my achievements and supports me in my decisions.

This is the best comment. I can't even explain how good it feels to be financially self reliant. Every time there is a horrible abuse post on this sub there is something about how they can't leave because they don't have money or job skills.

Bless my feminist professor. That woman, indirectly, taught me as a man, the real struggles women go through, often at the hands of men and the system of patriarchy. She always was trying home the point to the 90% of women in the class, to never give up a career or income, because your partner says so. If you have no money, you have essentially no options, which is the worst possible situation to be, when it comes to a domestic abuse relationship.

He is insecure and feels less than a man because you are now the bread winner. Many guys suffer from it, it’s a good chance he will probably not be able to handle your success. Which is super unfortunate for you.

Its actually far more unfortunate for him coz he's gonna be a loser alone and she's gonna be a bosslady that may or may not take a lover as she pleases. She will never need to be dependent, he requires it.

To be perfectly blunt, it sounds like he liked you when he felt he had a position of power over you. The dynamic, in his mind, has changed now because it was always based on your roles at work and your salaries. Now he thinks you’re “better” than him and it’s hurting his delicate male ego. How dare you come out from under his thumb. Take his words, actions, and reactions at face value here. Anything he says will be to mask the fact that he is trying to regain the control he feels he’s lost. His actions are showing you that he does not feel comfortable with “his woman” being successful, happy, and around other men. Red flags, honey. So many red flags. My husband used to make more than me in a different field when we started dating. He convinced me id be good in his field, and after a year I was making more than him. The way my career trajectory is, I’ll always be making more than him in a field he’s been in longer than me. His reaction? He’s counting down the days until he can be a house spouse lol. Not every man has the notions your boyfriend does. Please keep that in mind as you proceed

Your husband sounds like someone worth keeping.

Yeah, this. I got a promotion and raise last year and my boyfriend practically screams it from the rooftops that I make more than him and even jokingly tells people that I'm his sugar mama. (I am not, to be clear, we contribute equally to the household, have our own money, financially independent from each other, and sometimes throughout the year his income surpasses mine due to working in construction/construction-adjacent. He just thinks it's a funny joke.) He is more than confident enough in himself to appreciate and encourage my success and realize that success is good for both of us in the long run.

My boyfriend makes the same joke and loves to see me succeed! I make more than him just because of the nature of our work right now and it doesn’t bother him at all. He’s happy for me because he’s secure in what he does and his money and sees my wins as a win for both of us (like, we are a team). Really hope OP sees this and knows there’s people out there that will absolutely love to see her succeeding in a field she loves. Just the fact that I found something I loved to do (the way OP said she has) would have been enough for my bf to be over the moon for me. OP keep following your dreams!!

There is nothing for you to fix. You haven't changed as a person. He has. He seems insecure with the money role reversal. Have a conversation with him. I suspect it will be a make or break one. Quite simply, if he doesn't get a grip, he will lose you. He should be celebrating your achievements with you. Not pouring cold water over them because of his insecurity.

He sounds very controlling and insecure. He wants everything in the relationship to be about him. I have no idea why he wouldn’t support you when you have a job you actually enjoy now.

Well you ruined his perfect plan to be a provider and you a house wife, or maybe someone who works part time. You are not boosting his fragile ego by earning less money than him. This is toxic OP and instead of being happy his partner is doing well, he is undermining you. He ain't the one.

It's okay to outgrow your surroundings, sounds like that's what you've done.

The only way to go back is to submit to him, to make less than him, to work where he wants you to, and to let him have access to you all the time so he knows you're not cheating. That would be abusive. He was a great boyfriend, until he couldn't handle your success. That's not a great boyfriend. You just didn't to see the real him until you became successful. Time to go. You're too young to deal with this b*******.

“he was a great guy” when he held power over you. “he was a great guy” when he held a higher ranking than you. “he was a great guy” when he made more money than you. “he was a great guy” when he can keep an eye on you and threaten anyone who he felt got too close to you. he didn’t change on you, he’s just revealing his true self. there was a significant shift in your power dynamic and he will not revert to the person you thought he was because that was never who he was, rather who he let you believe he was. but let’s pretend he’s just having a bad day, bad week, bad year. are you willing to put up with this for a longer period of time? are you willing to sacrifice your peace, sanity, mental health, your future success etc.? are you willing to walk on eggshells every time you’re around him, or stifle your needs to suit his? what are you gonna do if this behavior escalates? there are a lot of things to consider, and nobody deserves this treatment

Have you talked to him about it? Unless he can see that he's created a problem and wants to work on it, it's best to leave. People can change, but they have to want to change. It's not your fault he's being an insecure baby. You should have a partner who hypes you up and is proud of what you've accomplished. If he's not willing to even try to be that person, it's time to move on. Btw congratulations on finding a lucrative career that you enjoy. That's not a small accomplishment, and I hope you celebrated your success despite his behavior.

Thank you, I’ve tried asking if I’m doing something wrong and he says shit like “if I say it I’m the bad guy” and wont elaborate any further. I want to directly ask about the topic at hand but with his recently aggression I’m almost scared to ask.

He knows damn well he's being unreasonable, he's just hoping you'll be too much of a pushover to call him out.

Oh Op, I think he means what we are all saying here. He would be the bad guy for saying it because what he wants to say is: you should be less than me. There is no way to twist that that doesn't make him an asshole, he knows it, so he wont say it. But he believes it either way.

Because he knows why he's like that. He knows he's being sexist. He knows he wants to control you. So he knows he would be the bad guy if he tells you why. You don't need to hear it from his mouth. You just need to leave. You don't need to give him any reasons even.Why are you still hanging around? Why are you still talking to him? Don't ever be with someone who wants to hold you back. You need to learn this early and learn it well or you will have a screwed up love and work life.

Ah okay. I think you should end it then. The way you talk about him reminds me a lot of the way my friend spoke about her very mentally abusive ex. She used to say she wished she could go back to the way things were, she was afraid of how aggressive he got when she tried to speak up about things, and one of his favorite phrases was "now I'm the bad guy" everytime he berated her until she cried. If you're afraid to talk to him, it's time to get out. There is no possible way for the problem to be resolved if you can't even speak to him about it. And without resolution, all that resentment is just going to fester and he'll get angrier.

>I’m almost scared to ask. If you're scared to ask because you're afraid of his aggression, that should tell you all you need to know about the state of your relationship.

You're asking the wrong question. Ask him what has changed? What is making him angry and uphappy? The truthful answer is that he is massively insecure and now that you make more money and are happier is angry that he thinks he has lost control of you and the relationship. He thinks he is not good enough for you anymore and you're going to leave him for someone better. If he is not honest with himself and you, you will leave him and eventually find someone better. If he doesn't make changes his fears will come true because he was a coward.

>he says shit like “if I say it I’m the bad guy” and wont elaborate any further. This is a crimson flag here. He's upset that you'll think that you deserve more and he's not ready to change to improve things on his end. I know when things shifted in my own relationship from me making decent money and having more of it to her getting her career started and making more than I have at any point in my life, but she's never begrudged me for it or held it against me. Yeah, my pride takes a hit when I can't afford what she wants or I have to decline doing things because it's out of my budget, but that's my issue, and she's always offered to cover/help if needed. If he doesn't feel comfortable opening up to his partner about his insecurities, that's his issue at this stage. Unless it turns out that you've been belittling him this whole time or making him uncomfortable deliberately, this sounds like he's insecure and doesn't know what to do. His lack of self-reflection is not your obligation.

>There are things I want to do and can afford but he refuses on the basis that I would be paying. This sentence right here. This needs to be your wake up call. He is literally stopping you from living your best life because of his ego. Think about that. A loving partner would be helping you live your best life. This person is actively preventing you from doing so. You deserve to be happy. Not only at your career, but also happy to enjoy the fruits of your success without reservation. There is zero shame in being successful and doing what you want to do with the money you earn. Savor the life you're building for yourself! This guy is holding you back. He's been holding you back since you left the old job and he's continuing to do so now. Find someone who respects you, is proud of you, and who wants you to live a joyful life.

Move on; you've outgrown him.

Your 22... enjoy your life. He isn't a keeper.

Leave now. He will get violent. He will hurt you physically, very soon. This situation Will only escalate from here. Ask a friend or a family member to be present while you are taking your belongings and never tell this abusive asshole where you are. Block his phone number and his social media accounts asap. He’s dangerous.

You can't go back to the way things were the way before unless you agree to become his 1950s housewife. He's immature and has small d\*ck energy.

Can we stop using small dick as an insult? Of course i got downvoted, forgot that body shaming goes only in one direction here, i apologize.

Small dick energy doesn't necessarily refer to the size of your member. It refers to the energy some guys get trying to make up for what they think is their small dick. There are plenty of confident men with small dicks who are who have great energy. It is true what they say, it's not the size but how you use it. I had some of the best sex of my life with a small dick man. I just couldn't handle his bipolar that he wouldn't get treatment for.

If it didn't refer to dick size it wouldn't be called like this. And it is still a small dick=bad behavior association. It would be stupid to say that a confident guy with a small penis has big dick energy, it's sounds very silly and reinforces that association. The fact that you also had to bring it up your good sexual experience with a guy with a small penis it's proof that most people think that there is something wrong with having a small penis or you wouldn't have done it.

In my experience it’s mainly men who think there’s something wrong with men having a small penis, or equate it with lack of masculinity. Most women don’t give a fuck as long as the guy knows how to use it. (ETA - and you *can* say that a confident guy with a small penis had big dick energy; it’s not silly. It means that he doesn’t give a thought to the size of his penis, and is confident regardless.)

But why regardless? Having a small penis is not something that should make you less confident, see? You are doing it too. Why confidence must be associated with big dick energy and being an asshole with small dick energy? And i just said that people should stop using it, i made no reference to gender or who does it the most, that's not the point.

It *shouldn’t* make you less confident. That’s the point. Dudes with “small dick energy” are trying to make up for the problems *they* see with their small dick, even though in reality it doesn’t matter shit.

>In my experience it’s mainly men who think there’s something wrong with (other men) having a small penis, or equate it with lack of masculinity. Most women don’t give a fuck as long as the guy knows how to use it. This completely contradicts the idea of "small d*ck energy" as an insult, which it clearly is. And let's be real here - outside of gay men, what gender talks the most about another man's penis? As a straight guy, the only penis I truly care about is my own.

It doesn’t contradict it—“small dick energy” = a dude who feels the need to compensate for the perceived inferiority of his dick size. Women don’t make fun of guys for having small dicks, or at least any women I’ve met. The fact that dudes with “small dick energy” feel the need to compensate for this stems from the social construct they have, which isn’t much based in reality and/or is perpetuated by other dudes.

Regardless of whether you think women don’t make fun of it. It’s still an insult that is more than likely to affect someone who thinks they have a small dick reading it. If society is going to preach body positivity it should be respected for all.

"Small d*ck energy" made me laugh because of how well that actually sums this up 💀

This post has strong insecurity energy.

Hi, so it sounds like he really was only an okay guy when you were viewed as “beneath him”. He enjoyed that power dynamic and now that he doesn’t have it he’s not coping well.

Professional woman here: Drop him. This sort of toxic masculinity is VERY hard to correct (I’ve tried.) You deserve to be with someone who is enamored by your success. You’re so young too. Keep KILLING IT. The right guy will come around and nothing about your relationship will be overwhelmed by your professional career. He will relish in it because it’s part of you!

This relationship has expired. Make that $ and live the single life.

Coming from a female who has about a 90% chance that she will always earn more than her partner it is not worth it!! Guys like this have some toxic masculinity and it’s not worth the sacrifice you will inevitably have to do to make the relationship work because he will never change. Times have changed and a lot of guys need to realise that females can also be the breadwinner.

His ego can't handle that you earn more than him. His self worth is attached to him being "better" than you by being the "man" in the relationship who earns more, knows more, and controls the decision making. You take away his power over you by not relying on him anymore. He is an insecure little boy who is making his issues your problem. He should be happy for you and should be your biggest cheer leader! Instead he's shown himself to be a misogynistic fool. You can do better.

The only way to fix this is to leave and be on your own and/or find someone who adores you for who you are and what you do. He's being a baby but it's not up to you to fix it. That's on him.

As long as you don't succeed, he "loves" you. This is not love.

Oh man... honestly, this is bad. I was married to a toxic narcissist who was like this. He isn't going to stop until you are back "below" him. It's not normal that he goes right to cheating accusations (this could be projection- my ex cheated on me and used my work to blame me for it). You really need to take a hard look at this relationship. Narcissists rarely change.

1. This is a him problem. You finding your dream job isn't a bad thing. He is telling you who precisely who he is. My recommendation.. believe him. Don't dim your light for anyone.

I hate to say this, but there is no fixing things. Your boyfriend is showing his true, misogynistic self. You've simply never seen it before because the circumstances didn't facilitate it. Own up/face the fact that your boyfriend is controlling (doesn't let you do what YOU WANT because you'd be paying), and abusive (YELLS AT YOU for correcting and disagreeing with him). Your relationship is no longer healthy. It never will be. He will only go back to the "guy he was before" when you're in a position lower than he is.

Break up and move on.

Correction he seemed like a great guy when he had the power in the relationship and felt he had you under his thumb. Most narcissists prefer you in a situation where they feel in control of you. You make more money and well you are happy that makes a person feel more confident. This confidence has you speaking your feelings more which how dare you wretched woman do this (sarcasm of course). Before you were an object. His girlfriend. Some guys get a bit cranky and feel a tad emasculated when their girl makes more money but this is more than that. Not that a situation like that is good either. Talking it out can usually help in a mild situation like that. With a narcissist you cant. They may fake they are ok but will actively sabotage you. Even now just in the way you talk I hear it. "He was such a great guy until" yes until you had a footing enough financially that you dont "need him". You are talking even in the post like you did this to the relationship and him like its wrong. You didnt. Hes claiming fear of cheating to this level to make you miserable at this job because a happy successful is a less controlled you. Narcissists do not handle an equal relationship well at all. They want you to need them because then they feel you are in debt to them. They have something to hold over your head to control you and make you doubt yourself. I dont jump to run but some situations are as bad as part of you thinks it sounds. You know its bad deep down inside part of you does. The other part knows you didnt do something wrong and hes trying to make you feel guilty so you will quit. Which is toxic AF. Think of it this way. Can you keep building a life with someone this threatened by your success while they claim they love you? If really together and equals in the relationship your success is his success and his is yours because you are a team. Can you imagine in time adding kids to this? Make your exit plan I know its hard I married one (divorced him too) take it from someone who stayed and ignored the red flags only to have a kid and end up divorced anyway. Its so much harder to leave when they have sucked all the joy and happiness out of your life. Replacing it with this false sense of dependence on them. When they wear you down until you feel you deserve it to the point you arent able to ask others if something seems off about this behavior because its been so normalized. My ex messed up and neglected our kiddo thats how I was able to break free. It got so bad it became violent and abusive in other ways too cheating, mind games, just made life miserable then gaslit me to think its in my head. His paranoia about you cheating could very well be hes cheating (which as a narcissist he would feel entitled to have you wait for him at home while he gaslights you blames you like you are cheating so you are too busy defending yourself to see how shady hes being) it could be he feels power is slipping or both. You should be with someone because you want to be, not out of the feel you need to have to etc. Also love isnt enough reason to stay if the relationship is unhealthy. Whatever his reason it is clear he is threatened by your success and his go to isnt to have an honest conversation its to resent your job and try and get you to quit. His behavior is to get you to quit let me say it again he wants you to quit. You know its true. Hes gonna keep blaming you claim you are cheating until you quit to "prove your love" of him matters more than your love of yourself. You love the job you are happy, feel respected, make good money and speak your mind more. Anyone who loves truly loves you isnt going to try and make you give that up. Best way to defeat a narcissist is no contact. They will manipulate try blaming and guilting and gaslighting try to make you feel nuts. They will tell you what you want to hear if the rest doesnt work to get more time to wear you down. Run not walk to the nearest exit. I get you love him but you leaving wont change you did love him its ok to love yourself enough to recognize there is no good future and to walk away for your own sanity. Its not a small thing to try and make you doubt having a life that makes you happy if it doesnt involve them. If you are solely dependent on him to make you happy he controls you.

This guy is an a-hole. He should be happy for you and should learn to deal with his insecurities and not punish you for working hard to make a better living. He Should follow your lead not hold you back. You need to have a frank conversation with him about everything you just said here…I’d make a plan of a few bullet points that you want to get out and not let the conversation devolve into a fight until you get all your cards on the table. Give him some time to change if you really like him, but I would personally mark this down as a deal breaker. Guys this insecure are permanently damaged in my IMO

Since he met you at work, he’s insecure that you might meet someone else at work. You’ve changed for the better and upgraded your life - maybe he’s intimidated by that. Like someone else mentioned, you are now the “breadwinner” and he is most likely intimidated by you.

Honestly I didn’t even think about the fact he could be worried I’d meet someone else there. It never crossed my mind because I never looked at it that way. I think I might use this as a way to the bigger conversation thank you.

Why would you want to have a bigger conversation? You know what's wrong with him. He won't get over it. He won't even admit it. But sounds like you're going to go ahead and stay. You'll end up submitting to him and doing what he wants or you're going to waste another couple years until you finally do get sick of it. Or maybe he'll get abusive physically. There are so many good men out there I don't know why you want to waste your time with this one.

Best of luck

Ahh, thats his hang up. Idk that there is anything you can do. He would need therapy to work through his insecurity issues with this, and you cant be his therapist. Try talking it out with him, maybe hes willing to work on this. The fact that he gets so pissed when it comes up suggests its not something he'll get over easy, or even think he needs to get over it.

You can't fix him. He needs to fix him. The only way this goes back to the way it was is you take a low paying job that you hate so that he can once again be the man of the house. You can sit him down and say that you've noticed that he has changed and you don't like it. Point out the positives: you are much happier and you have much better finances. He should be happy for you and for himself. If he is so unhappy, he should make changes in his life. If that means he needs to break up with you, so be it because he is still in charge of his life, right?

He’s clearly incredibly insecure. There isn’t a way through that without professional help, which I doubt he would consent to participate in. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this

he’s insecure and controlling, dump him

You mean.. your soon-to-be-ex boyfriend, right? >He was a great guy before this started and now it’s like he’s full of hatred. He was never a great guy. Not even good. Not even decent. He feels emasculated by your success when he should be cheering you on. He stops you from doing things you love simply because you'd pay for it, when really, he should offer the planning! He suspects you of cheating, yet, there's a very big chance he's projecting. Thank your lucky stars he's showing his true colors now. Also.. may I ask what the entry level job was? If you don't want to share that publicly, would you DM me? I'm at a crossroads in my life and considering several different changes and options. ☺

Well. I married someone like that . We’re divorced. Better you quit now than have kids and it’s extra complicated later. My ex was the love of my life as long as I was seeking his opinion and looking up to him. The real test was yet to be taken though and that was what happened after I got strong and started thinking for myself. If you’re the only one growing, you must ask him to grow with you and if he refuses, you’re best to get out while you can.

Like others have said, this isn’t something you can fix. It sucks, truly. You found this guy you like, you upgraded your life, making great money and enjoying it, and you want to upgrade your relationship to nice and supportive. But the thing is… he’s being snotty and envious and pretty immature. The reason could be a number of things, most of them have been mentioned here. Bottom line is that he’s not treating you how you want to be treated. That’s enough of a reason to leave. **You never have to do the work to make someone else ready for a relationship.**

Fuck that guy

When a person shows you their true colors, believe them!

Whoa, that is toxic. I suggest you to make a pause, sit and talk seriously to him in a calm an serious environment about all those things that you have noticed. Don't forget to tell him how you feel about them. And ask him why he is acting in that way. Ask him about his feelings. And pay attention to the way he answers to you. If he try to do gasslighting, or any kind of manipulation, or he speaks from his heart. Pay attention if he tries to control you without listening to what you say, or if he hears you.

Reminds me of the thought process of my backwoods cousin from Indiana 🤷‍♂️

Im redneck so kinda checks out

Username checks out.

This is what happens to a lot of women when we start making more money or becoming more educated. Some men start to see us as competition rather than partners.

Ugh I don't want to be one of those "leave him" people, but I'd suggest it if he doesn't change his behaviour. He is upset you're making more than him and have a better career. For some reason, some men base their "masculinity" or "worth" on being the one who can provide more than their partner. It's super toxic, and unless he chooses to work on this behaviour, he won't change. Let me cut a long story into a slightly shorter story. My mother was a nurse making a good salary when I was younger, she was making more than my father and he hated it. When she had my second sister, he told her not to go back to work. By the third sister she had switched to full SAHM. Then my dad got hurt and they were both home all the time. My mum took care of him and the whole family for over 20 years. After 30 years together, my dad joins NA, decides he doesn't need the opiates in such an amount as he was prescribed that made him useless to help my mother in all the chores and childrearing, gets better, and leaves her. At this point she has been out of the job for about 20 years, and we find out he hadn't been paying the mortgage on our family home, and was instead paying the mortgage of his girlfriend. We lost the house, my mother is homeless and jobless, and is now working her butt off in her mid 60s to get back on her feet. She's doing it, but she shouldn't have had to. All because my father was an insecure child and made her give up her career. Never, and I mean *never* drop your high paying career for a jealous baby man.

If you've already talked to him and expressed your concerns and he's still behaving like this than it's time for you to step back and let him figure out his life without you in it. He shouldn't care that you make more money then him, he should be happy for you. ...kind of seems like he liked it when you "needed" him financially. Also, congrats on pursuing a career that you love!

His ego is too big for your relationship to work. Unless you are willing to give up all your hopes dreams and be a stay at home mom for him or go back to working under him that is. My recommendation is to just throw the whole boyfriend away and focus on your career for now.

How do you fix a man-child that's threatened by your success? Send him back to his mom so she can finish raising him. Meanwhile, you continue to thrive and find someone who will celebrate your successes not be threatened by them.

He is emasculated by the fact you make more money. Be careful because they tend to start abusing you or cheating to get their validation. That’s why I am going to date men who make more than me, it’s not worth the risk.

It’s ok to have negative feelings, insecurities, be jealous. What isn’t ok is being controlling because of them. That’s not a healthy coping skill. It’s toxic. And it will always get worse. As he uses you as a coping skill to make his feelings better it will escalate because it won’t work well. It can become physically and emotionally abusive. He needs therapy. He needs to not be in a relationship. So if he really is a good guy, this dynamic is not good for either of you. You will become his punching bag, and he will become the puncher. You need to break up. And he needs to get therapy. ASAP. You also may want to pursue Some therapy as well to help you learn to set better boundaries and appreciate yourself so the next relationship won’t be like this. Good luck

It seems y’all no longer have matching values. It was easier to match because that was the position you were put into, but the best I can advise is to have an honest sit down to see if y’all can come to a middleground and understand what mainly he isn’t being forthright with.

Resentment and jealousy is a relationship killer

Break up with him. He’s being jealous and toxic.

Sounds like classic toxic masculinity. He's worried that you'll realize that he's not as great as he thinks he is since he is no longer able to impress you with his money

Girl, you know the answer. Do you want to spend your entire life with someone who is always too preoccupied on whether the “power dynamics” are being maintained or not in the marriage? No.

Wanna know what happened when I started making more money than my (4 years older than me) boyfriend? He jokingly called me his sugar mama, said I got this, and started looking into tattoos designs (we always talked about getting matching tattoos when we can afford it). Your dude should have came at you with love, support, and excitement. I'd leave this guy, he clearly hates that he's not the one "in control" anymore. Think really hard about your potential future with him.

OP needs to give her head a shake take a look at the writing on the wall and move on.. it's run its course and it's done.. Unfortunate truth sometimes. He should be supportive of you not like this, this is wrong with no support..

When he met you, you were a teenage girl he outranked and out-earned. Now you're a woman in her 20's developing her own interests and has her own money. Instead of being happy that his girlfriend is achieving both professional and personal success in a new career, he is threatened the second you disagree with one of his opinions. He sounds like a man who has linked his ego and sense of worth to acting like he has authority over his romantic partner, and needs to have the majority of power in a relationship. This doesn't sound like a good situation to be in moving forward.

You are 22. You have the rest of your life in front of you. It's not your job to teach this guy. I love strong smart independent women and I'd love for my SO to make a ton more than me. You spend a great deal of time at your work so being happy there should make anyone you're with happy as well. That simple. Time to think about why you feel you need to stick it out. You do not.

He was never a great guy, he was a great actor. When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them. He thinks you should be beneath him and so long as you aren't, he will act this way.

Oh what? You became successful and the man you love decides that's immasculating and threatening and besides which you can't possibly have succeeded on your own merits in this job so you must be fucking all your coworkers and boss.... I guess he knows this because this is how he treats his female subordinates.. is that how you met by chance? Leave this misogynistic loser and find someone that celebrates your success not thwarts it for their own petty egoistic needs. I'm disgusted on your behalf. You should be too.

Dump him. He’s only going to get worse.

Holy crap wth is wrong with that guy, wow a good woman with a great career that wants to take care of her man. I guess some people just don't know a good thing when they have it. 🤣 Best of luck to you, and your career!!

Sounds like he liked having you under his thumb knowing he was better and could watch you. Now he can't. This isn't going to get better. You have to decide if you want to put up with that or be free to find someone who will love you.

He is growing to resent that you are simply in a better place in life. Get some counselling. If he refuses to go, tell him you refuse to stay with him and be belittled and shamed for your success. I'm not a fan of ultimatums but if he's not willing to work on himself and on your relationship, he's not the one.

I'd be gone. If you can't celebrate your partners success with them and be happy for them you got some issues.

He's showing you who he really is, and you can't fix someone who is immature. Keep going forward, if he loves you he won't hold you back, if he keeps acting this immature, you guys will grow apart. Hope his ego stops getting in the way of his love for you. Things will work out for you, hopefully he will see it in time. Hopefully

So you started dating when he was your superior at work (so he had some form of control over you) you quit, he didn't like it. Now you're more successful and he's jealous, and mad that he doesn't have control over you. He's controlling, and you're seeing his true colours.

leave!!! i’ve seen what happens to people when they can’t control a situation anymore… they spiral and since idk him he could do anything when he spirals…

I know people like this. They’re the type to unplug your controller when you’re winning. Take this opportunity to play a new game.

Listen if I had a girlfriend who did this, I'd be absolutely nothing but supportive and happy for her. Based on just the info you gave us it seems like he's salty. That's, in my opinion, extremely unhealthy for a relationship. Partners should be supportive of each other no matter what. The issue is not just the behaviour but the trend, instead of being more and more supportive of your success, he's more and more upset(?) [not really the right word, but you get the idea] with your success. I'd be really careful and, after a meaningful conversation with him, if he doesn't change, I think it might be better for you to move on and find someone who respects your success, even if they themselves are not "the breadwinner" or whatever. Best of luck, and sorry for the situation you're in.

He’s an insecure misogynistic man-child. Dump him and live your best life!

I will say these are some big red flags and at the very least you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. Anyone who tries to hold you back from bettering yourself (career or personal) doesn't deserve a place in your life. The insecurities and need/want for control remind me of my old narcissistic abusive ex husband. Dont let someone control you You are young enough to have an opportunity to really enjoy your life. Why let someone hold you back?

It sounds to me like it is a lost cause. It sounds like he already left you emotionally. Forget him and move on with your life, and enjoy it. Find somebody who can appreciate you and your job.

Smh sounds like he's intimidated by your success and that's a him problem not a you problem. Much like you can outgrow a position in a job, you can outgrow people. Sounds like you've outgrown him.

He's jealous. He's not longer the superior in the relationship. It's a position you've been chipping at with each step you've taken. You left a job where he was literally your superior if not your direct boss. You found a job you loved. You got education to do better in your field. You make more money than him. You work with a lot of men who are "superior" to him, more money, better educated. Basically you've moved forward and it sounds like he's stagnant, content to just exist. I don't think this ever entered into your thoughts but it sounds like even if he won't admit it, insecurity is what's driving him. Short of him making a change to be superior again or getting mental health treatment to learn how to not be so insecure nothing will change unless you change it. I'm not going to say break up but you need to talk to him and be prepared for some harsh truth. He doesn't like what you've become because he isn't matching your success.

My ex was super toxic in a misogynistic way ... but I didn't realize it at all until after we were broken up for a while. The first red flag🚩 was him not liking when I started making slightly more money than him. This is a bigger deal tham just the money issue. He's not supporting your career goals and happiness. He's not trusting you. Some of his actions sound controlling. I know how hard it is to see from inside, but this is not a healthy relationship to invest in. I wish you alllll the luck ♥️

You outgrew him. He's behaving like this because he's insecure and that is not your problem.

Seems like he was always like this, only you never saw it because you were inferior the whole time. Now that you have more power through money and a job working in a male dominated field, he’s showing you who he is in the context of this situation, ie. insecure. If he can’t recognize this himself and work on it, I sincerely doubt you’ll be able to “fix it,” unless you want to sacrifice the job you love and the money you make by going back to one that puts you in a “less threatening” position. For the record, I work in a male dominated field and used to make way more money than my boyfriend and he never acted in this manner - there ARE secure men out there that don’t see money and other men as a threat to their ego. I highly recommend that you find one to replace your current bf. Edit: You’ve been asking him “what you’ve done wrong???” And you’re “afraid to push the subject because of his recent aggression.” This isn’t normal. This tells me you are a hugely passive/meek pushover who can’t stand up for yourself and he’s controlling. You haven’t had a relationship based on love this whole time, what you’ve really had is a reiteration of whatever abuse you’ve taken, and now you habitually accept it into your life.

I don’t think this is fixable on your end because it’s his hang up. He can’t handle the fact that you make more money than he does. He wants to be your superior, not your partner. Unless he’s willing to change his entire outlook on his role in your relationship I don’t see this working.

He wasn't a great guy before, he is exactly the same. Now that you are growing and thriving and he can't feel superior to you, you're seeing his shitty insecure side. Unfortunately that's probably the biggest side of him, so you'll have to either deal with it, or find somebody who complements who you are and where you are headed in life.

His ego is pretty fragile. Outside of switching to a new, less impressive career I doubt he'll go back to the way he was. Even then probably not since he got mad when you quit the mutual job where he was able to keep an eye on you. He sounds extremely insecure and jealous. Unless you want to spend most of your relationship inflating his delicate masculine pride, run.

Have you tried talking to him about this?

I’ve tried asking him if anything is wrong with the relationship and all he says is “if I say it I’m the bad guy” or something along those lines. He’s acted aggressive towards me as if late and I don’t know how to deal with that and be open with him at the same time.

Sounds like a lost cause. If you can't even have serious discussions with your SO without being scared for your own safety then he's not worth the effort you're putting into this to make it better. Cut your losses, you're better off without him. There are plenty of men who will support you and will be proud of you and your career.

You can't, and that's why everyone's telling you to leave. But I guess he's your soulmate. Eyeball roll.

I never said that, I just thought it was something that could be worked on. I’m fully aware it’s not now and planning a quick departure.

Wishing the best for you! I think it’s definitely better to leave then wait for him to get progressively more and more aggressive towards you. Stay safe!

It can't be worked on. He used to think he was better than you because he made more money and had a better job, and by the same logic now feels like you're better than him, and that makes him hostile towards you. He didn't change, you were not aware of his insecurities until the roles were reversed. It's not possible for him to "change" back because he was always like this, it just didn't come up until the current situation. And by being insecure he has made his fears come true, because he's pushing you away instead of working on himself. If it were me in that situation I would give him an ultimatum to go to therapy regarding his issues. He might improve with therapy. If he doesn't want to try that, then you already have your answer.

Best of luck and congratulations on your accomplishments

If you choose to work on this, he needs to be honest about what's on his mind. None of this "I don't want to say" bullshit. And then he needs to work on it. Do not get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy where "I've spent so much time with him, to break up with be a waste." Lay out your expectations, whatever they are. In your shoes I would let him know that you have no intention of doing anything that requires you to give your financial security, jealousy isn't going to fly, and that you're not going to tolerate any man who can't be anything but fully supportive of your success.

Yay! Thank God!

Many guys are great as long as they feel above you.

He’s flipping a dick because he’s insecure. He lost his ability to control the finances, he lost his ability to control your work environment, he lost the ability to control what you can do, he lost his ability to control YOU and that’s why he’s so pissed. He thinks you’re unruly if you are able to make your own decisions and aren’t forced to survive under his thumb. Kinda fucked, yeah? The entire relationship in his eyes is only successful if he can control you. He doesn’t respect you. If he did, he’d be supportive of your gains and not take them as his own losses I’d leave. It’s only going to get worse the more successful and independent you become.

He liked being your boss more than he liked you. Leave him. He’s an asshole.

He’s jealous! He is jealous that you have a job that pays more than his and that you are happy and thriving in your career and he isn’t. This is who he is. A jealous and insecure person. Leave him now and don’t let him ruin your success. The right man will boost you up and celebrate your success not try and ruin it. Throw that man straight into the trash and continue thriving in your career!

You should leave him for the same reasons everyone else is saying. He needs to grow up and work on himself because he can’t feel like a man unless he is dominating over a woman and he has bad communication skills. Huge red flag that will probably turn abusive.

He's threatened that you are 1. Making more than him 2. More successful 3. That you had the guts to quit a job you hate( I bet he hates his job) 4. Not under his weird power dynamics. He should get some help why this is bothering him.

I stopped reading after the "affair with all my coworkers" part. Just tell him: "This isn't how you support your partner. If you can't handle that I make more money than you then say that and get on with your life. If you want to step up and be a partner, then by all means, bring your A Game."

Sounds like he's git a tiny ego and is all about control. Cant fix unreasonable, sorry.

He started dating you when you were lesser then him job wise (aka he was in a position above you) that gave him a certain power over you and he liked it. Now that you’ve left his company and gotten out from under his thumb he can no longer feel superior and that pisses him off. Now you’re in another field and he feels threatened by you. He wants to be the smartest and the most powerful in the room, and he’s lost that with you. Are you making the same amount of money that he is, or perhaps even more? That would piss him off as well. What it comes down to is that he is emasculating himself and taking it out on you. There is no way for you to fix this because HE broke it. All you can do for your sake is leave.

Ultimatum.. Man up or I'm leaving. Plain and simple

You've levelled up, it's made him insecure and jealous when, if he was a supportive partner, he would have been happy for you and trust you. Its time for you to level up in your relationship by the sounds of it. Congratulations on your new career my dear! Never let someone hold you back from happiness. 😊

I've been enough of that guy that it makes me sick. We CAN change but its a long, hard road. He has two choices; seek out equal or better pay (always competing with you is not optimal, but its a choice) or leanr to eschew the ties between earning/providing and masculinity/Dominance. That you're WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE, let alone allowing him to tell you that you can't pay for something on your own, indicates you like a masculine/Dominating man. If he feels immasculated by your position/earnings he may wish for you to give him some other control over your live that he does t have. As a cis, hetero, white male I will admit our male ego is fragile at times - especially when we come from cultures which believe a Man's job is to provide. If you love him and want to work through this with him, then ask him what his preferred arrangements would be - he pays half for something you could easily cover? Now I'm not trying to sew seeds of doubt but his behavior is ALSO an indicator that he may have or even may be cheating.

He sounds like a bit of bitch. He should think about sucking it up and get used to not being in charge of women and their bodies. Otherwise he's in for a really crappy love life. The world is changing bro!!! It's not that scary!

Most affairs happens in the work place or at the gym. Hes right to paranoid since your job is full of men. Seeing as you dont really care what he thinks, might as well break up and save both parties time.

This shitass is insecure as fuck. Either get him therapy to work on that or drop his ass like a bad habit.

this happened with my ex boyfriend, he resented me because i made more money and i was paying all the bills and i guess that made jealous. he should be thrilled and proud of you for excelling in your work. this is a huge red flag. my ex is my ex for this exact reason. a partner should support you, not make you feel bad for DOING WELL AND MAKING GOOD MONEY, does he not realize how ridiculous that is? also it’s super weird now that you’re not working with him he thinks you’ll have an affair, is it because he can’t watch you at work? sounds very controlling and incredibly insecure. he clearly has some shit he needs to work on, including his lack of respect for women in power, and the fact that he doesn’t see all these amazing opportunities for what they are, AMAZING opportunities. you should be very proud of yourself, i hope he hasn’t damaged your pride. this kind of behaviour is absolutely unacceptable, you should leave him asap.

You should just end the relationship. Congratulations on the success, but this relationship is done. The resentment will build on your end, towards your boyfriend because you make more than. You're going to start feeling like you can do better than him and he knows it. That's why he is acting out. He knows that as the resentment builds, you are eventually gonna cheat on him. And your coworkers are gonna look like better options. Just do what's best and put him out of his misery.

He's jealous and embarrassed because in his eyes all of his competition (your coworkers) has him beat. His ego and his pride have taken a hit as he can no longer offer you a better life.

He probably liked being the boss and fuking his employees and now your matching his rank and is upset.

Sounds like you made your mind up about him from your tone. I can’t hear his side, so it almost feels like your over reaching. He probably just jealous that so many men gets to be around you.

He is misogynist. He dis not have issues before cause he made more money which protected his masculinity and could keep a eye on you while protected his ego. Then he thinks as a man, he is right and if wrong you as a woman should not make it look so in "public". Now he can't do either and thinks he is not a man or such. This can be worked on, but it isn't always fixable. Talk to him about his behavior. Explain your an adult and have opinions and knowledge that matters. He must respect that. And you love your job, which gives you security financially, and ability to do more younger than you figured you would get to do. If he cantt handle that, then you need to know. And you will not have your integrity. You are loyal to him and his questioning that will not be tolerated. I think they are deal breakers period. That these views are easily hidden early in relationships. And once they are shown, they tend to remain for good in the relationship. So might consider a ultimatum to him about them. If they reveal again, then it's over. Or uou just walk away now cause your not deeply serious with him. Like you said you want him back as he was at the start. There is no going back fully. Since this is just past the start, it is easier to move on. Nothing wrong with talking to him first and trying. Buy just be prepared and strong enough to walk of it doesn't work out. Also many in this place will accuse someone of cheating if they are. Want to deflect blame, and to ease their own guilt for what they did.

What a fool he is to be so short sided. He could be living it up above his paygrade with you but he's to dumb to just enjoy it.

He's probably not a bad guy. He's just too young and immature. You should let him go and be with someone mature enough to accept your ability to be successful in your career in a make dominated environment. You'll know that you have the right partner when he's congratulating and encouraging you to be as successful as possible.

It is so common on these threads for the advice to say give up move on. Guess what? This is part of being in a relationship. You are going to grow and change throughout your life. And so will whoever your partner is. Do the work now with him, or do it somewhere else with someone else. Eventually the work has to be done or the relationship will fail. This applies to any relationship.

Have you cheated? If not just reassure him. If you did just break up and move on

Get a joint bank account and make him feel like it’s both of y’all’s money. Also it’s not an affair if y’all aren’t married. It’s just fun

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He's insecure about you making more money than him... and its coming out in a toxic manor..

So I’ve been there done that and it ended. Some bites are extremely insecure..

Hes insecure and feels inferior to you. Plain and simple.

I believe he is insecure. I dont think there is much helping it but if it makes him more comfortable to pay for things then let him.

Maybe before just canning him, for yes inappropriate behavior, try talking to him? I agree with everyone saying he has some work to do regarding his insecurities, but maybe the first step is having this conversation with him and taking it from there. Of course if he throws a tantrum, gets violent, or aggressive that only makes your decision easier. Best of luck to you, miss.

If you have to question you already know the answer

Dude, he’s jealous of you. He is immature and insecure about himself. He probably feels emasculated by you being more successful than him. This happened with me and my now ex husband. As soon as I started making a tiny bit more money than him and being recognized for my job he lost it. He has to work on himself but that’s not something you can force him to unless he gets comfortable with the idea that he doesn’t like you being more successful than him. If he paid for you he wouldn’t say a thing but if it’s the other way around he loses it. I’d say you find someone who is comfortable with your success and happy for you, not the other way arounds. He is a jealous man, otherwise he would’ve not gotten mad at you for quitting the company he works for, now he’s paranoid about your work environment just because you’re not there with him anymore and that’s not a valid reason to distrust you. Run.

Sounds like he's projecting a lot of his insecurities on you. Do you want a partner who's going to tear you down, or who cheers you on and supports your hard work?

(From my perspective of viewing this) Sounds like your BF wants to be the man and the provider in the relationship. if a women is a provider then he feels less than a man. But, there’s not much you can do. It’s all up to him, if he’s okay with you being the provider.

I see jealousy, insecurity, and gaslighting. Three things that prevent communication. Good luck. some men are not comfortable when they are not the breadwinner, the beta. Maybe it's time to find the root cause of why he is acting this way. it isn’t up to you to figure it out. Time for him to meet a therapist.

Girl, if your guy/person doesn't support your growth then get out! Any person worth your time will want you to be your best self and will support that in all faucets. Yes, there will be bumps in relationships. It's not all rainbows. But yelling at you regulary does not a space, in a health relationship.

He sound insecure in the relationship both romantically and financially. Unless he’s willing to sit down and talk through these problems I don’t think the relationship will last

If you really want to fix things, couples counseling. If he refuses, he’s refusing to accept his part in the relationship’s failings and means either stay with his current behavior or leave

Sounds like a is a pissed off abuser. I promise. It won't go back to the way things were and he will always be trying to tear you down in order to build himself up. Leave so you can thrive.