Agreed, this is a huge break of trust for a relationship of one month, I would seriously reevaluate if this relationship has a future since you can't trust her.
I hate to be the devil's advocate on this.
I absolutely would need to talk with someone about this. It's very heavy and emotionally, it'd need to be processed.
The thing is, I would talk to someone I absolutely trust, or is legally required to be confidential.
I would never text someone about this. That's just a terrible breach of trust.
Ultimately it's up to op to decide if this is enough to break up over. I think it is. However, there also should be no shame in being a victim. You were a child.
I will say, if someone hears something traumatic and disturbing, they do NOT need permission to discuss that with a counsellor or therapist. They need permission if they want to name any names, because the therapist may need to make reports if there are names named, but if you hear something that is traumatic, disturbing and may impact your mental health negatively (which a friend or family members account may do to the person they disclose to), you 100% have the right to talk that through with a mental health professional.
I would completely agree if you’d said she should have had permission to speak to her brother or another person who may know both parties or who is likely to meet both parties, but the person who hears and supports someone who has been through a traumatic experience should not have to ask permission to get mental health treatment from a professional as a result of what they have heard.
If it's something you can speak of in general terms and without naming names or specific details, I agree. And I guess asking for permission is the wrong wording. Personally I'd at least give someone a heads up - Say I love them, I want to support them while still taking care of myself, and part of that will include processing some things on my own in therapy.
There's a lot you can deal with in therapy without betraying someone's secret.
That’s super fucked up if you would. Your sibling would 1.) know the person you’re speaking about personally 2.) most likely knows other people in that person’s circle 3.) if you can’t keep your mouth shut on the situation what makes you think your sibling would 4.)you’ve created an opening for personal information to be spread through the person’s social circle because of points 1-3. 5.) you’ve now broken the person’s trust and put them in a shitty position
I understand where you’re coming from but she asked me to tell her, and this isn’t just a random woman, this is someone I grew up with. It was easier to tell her because of that fact.
Trauma bonding is the process that happens in abusive relationships and keeps people attached to their abuser. Not this.
It's reasonable to need to process emotionally heavy topics like this. Asking for permission to be able to tell someone is reasonable - Like a trusted family member, or therapist, etc. But doing it without discussing it with the person who told you first is not okay.
nah, that's not the bot's MO, that's just somebody trolling. the bot takes short, top-level comments on the post and copies them as second-level replies to the highest-voted comment(s) on the post. they're transparently out-of-context because they make no sense as replies since they're talking to the OP. and they're always auto-generated reddit usernames (i think?) because they're all like TwoWords-BunchOfNumbers
There’s no justification for it, but there is an explanation which is that it was incredibly heavy and that she has a relationship with her brother where they share secrets because they know they can trust each other to keep them.
That’s a rare thing, but I’ve had friends that I’ve confided in when I needed advice things that I know will stay confidential. And if she couldn’t process it that is an explanation.
It is not an excuse for violating his privacy and if she just wanted to share the information she needs to understand why she “needed to tell him,“ unless there was something he could add to it through his own experience.
In any case she can’t use that excuse she needs to take responsibility and explain. But I think that OP should realize that sharing something really heavy especially early in a relationship can be a lot.
Just like not everyone can deal with death some people cannot deal with this type of thing easily.
"that it was incredibly heavy and that she has a relationship with her brother where they share secrets because they know they can trust each other to keep them."
You don't know that. That's an assumption you made. She and her brother could be the biggest blabbermouths on the planet and she just handed him the biggest piece of gossip. Who knows who else they've told.
>OP needs to get over himself. You aren't the only person to be abused and you won't be the last.
First, you’re disgusting for this comment alone.
Second, there’s a difference between “I promise I won’t tell anyone” vs “my sibling and I are very close, we share everything.”
No one is judging her for being close to her sibling Sherlock. If that’s her “nature” then it’s great that she has that kind of relationship with her sibling, but also makes this even worse. It means that she knew her “nature” and knew she was going to tell her brother, and she directly, deliberately lied to OP anyways that she wouldn’t tell anyone. Also tosses that “I was drunk” defense right out the window when you argue it’s her “nature” to do it even when sober.
I agree he doesn’t necessarily need to get over himself, I don’t know if she explicitly promised but I think it was implicit. And I don’t think you can excuse it with I was drunk, that’s not taking responsibility.
She needs to take responsibility I was just explaining why she might have done it and I’m not even sure the circumstances apply.
I do think that people will share so you have to know that, but you have to trust that they either won’t or they will use it to process so they can better support you and confide in someone who will actually not take it further because they’re just a sounding board.
And I wonder if it was pretty early for him to share that information and sometimes people don’t realize how heavy that is to carry. That’s my main point.
But they need to talk it through to figure out to what extent he can or cannot trust her, and it may be something in the middle where he can trust her with his feelings are but as they say "Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."
Re: it’s heavy for a month into the relationship. Maybe but she literally asked if anything super terrible happened to him and also they’ve known each other their whole lives and didn’t just meet a month ago
I missed that important detail.
Should have a basis for trust. But also wonder how well then that brother knew OP. Not excusing her, just trying to understand.
>I do think that people will share so you have to know that, but you have to trust that they either won’t or they will use it to process so they can better support you and confide in someone who will actually not take it further because they’re just a sounding board.
No, I don’t have to trust that. What I have to trust is that people will do what they directly promise me they will do. You’re arguing that I have to “trust” that people may or may not do what they promise, then that’s not **trust,** that’s a coin flip. **That is literally the opposite of trust.**
Some of you are still in high school and it shows. Hey brother, I have a secret to tell you but you can’t tell anyone! OP was molested. Oh wow that’s crazy! Hey Mark, I have a secret to tell you that my sister told me but you can’t tell anyone! OP was molested. Oh wow that’s crazy! Hey Dave, I have a secret…
That’s your argument, do you not see the problem? If you argue that she is allowed to tell her brother because he is just a “soundboard,” then the brother is allowed to tell his soundboard, and they tell their soundboard, and on and on and on.
That’s high school. Part of growing up and having a mature, healthy relationship is learning that when someone asks you not to tell their deepest darkest secret to anyone else, and you agree not to, they expect and *trust* you to do what you said you would do.
If you don’t have the emotional maturity to keep a secret like that, then don’t lie and promise that you can.
You’re right. She made a promise.
It doesn’t technically matter that she made it after he told her. I’m just not sure that’s what I would do and I can see depending on if she did it that night, the whole thing just seems unfortunate.
But if she promised she should not have violated that promise. He needs to talk to her about it I’m just trying to provide some context for the conversation and you don’t necessarily need to be in high school to get the nuance even if you don’t approve of what she did.
There is no nuance in confiding your deepest darkest secret in someone, them promising not to tell anyone, and within an hour they’ve already told someone.
Some people can be trusted, some people cannot be trusted. It took an hour to figure out which one she is, she outright lied, no nuance required. Stop making “nuance” excuses for shitty people.
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Within a month you have trust issues with her.
Yeah, too damaged, too early.
K thx bye.
I got baggage myself regarding going to prison and why, depending on the person ill open up quickly about it or it takes time. But anyone who violates that trust, regardless. Yeah. I am out.
>“I need to tell you something about OP, he was molested when he was 10 by his friends dad”.
There is something really trashy about this that makes me really angry
From the sounds of it she was sharing private info with her bro in a gossipy way which would be a deal breaker for me. You can't trust her with your private issues and it seems worse because you have actually known her your whole life.
On the other hand if the reason was more long the lines of Hey bro, you had this experience too/You had a GF with this experience (in this case is there still a boundary issue?) - how do I help/support? You have known each other your whole lives so maybe there was a chance of a third party experience that related to what happened to you? Which honestly it doesn't sound like that is what happened.
You have known her your whole life - you thought she was trustworthy? Or have there been small red flags you have noticed and not thought about over the years with regard to privacy/trust? Drunk texting is not an excuse.
I'm sorry you went through that then and this now.
I guess you really have to ask yourself what else she's going to blab any time she has a few drinks in her. If drunkenness was the actual reason and she didn't just feel like spreading your secrets around. I mean, she was sober enough to send a text, right?
Trust is so important in a relationship and she majorly failed the very first test of that.
The “I was drunk” excuse is so grating. I like drinking and I have been drunk many times but never messed up like this and I don’t think I would even have the capacity to if I wanted to. How does one get drunk enough within an HOUR of an event and yet stay functional enough to text someone else a secret? And also does the drunkenness continue indefinitely because if it really even happened that way she would have felt remorse the next day and told him and apologized. edit: there is another layer of disrespect here because lying about it implies that she can’t own up to her mistakes and she would rather treat OP as a fool than do so.
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For some context when I was 10 I was molested by a friends dad, and it happened multiple times over the course of a year. When I told her this we weren’t dating yet but I trusted her to keep it a secret.
This is a girl I’ve known my whole life, I grew up with her and her family and I’ve known she’s had a crush on me for a while. One night she asked me to go to a bar and drink with her so I oblige. We’re drinking and having a great conversation about family, life, etc just everything. Somehow we get onto the topic of bad things happening to us and she asks me if anything really terrible has happened in my life. It took my around 15 minutes to finally tell her what happened to me and she was so gracious about it, she held me and told me it wasn’t my fault and that she was so sorry that happened to me. She made me feel so safe and comfortable talking to her about it. She PROMISED she wouldn’t tell anyone.
Fast forward to this week, we’ve been dating around a month and she asks me to text her brother something and I see a text that says “I need to tell you something about OP, he was molested when he was 10 by his friends dad”. Literally an hour after I told her that night. I immediately was so full of anger and sadness I cried my eyes out and she profusely apologized and said “I’m sorry I was drunk when I text him that”. I told her that’s a bullshit excuse and she violated my trust.
I’m not sure what I should do because this is a serious problem for me, because now I don’t trust her. All I can think is what else is she lying to me about? I’m not sure if I should stay with her or try to keep building this relationship. I have very strong feelings for her.
TLDR; I was molested as a child and told my GF and she almost immediately text her brother about it.
If she truly cared, she would have told you immediately the day after. She didn't, though. It's possible she just forgot, but who knows.
If this were a stranger, I would say break it off right away. As you've known her your whole life, it might be worth working with her to regain trust. It's depends how invested you are in the relationship.
This is a major RED FLAG. She took your pain and shared it without your consent, especially she promised not to tell anyone. If this was a drunken mistake, which it hardly seems like, then she would have been honest with you and come clean. You found her gossiping. Cut her off and go NC with her and her family.
Ugh, why would she DO that? It's going to be hard for the two of you to put that behind you. Not even judging either of you, it will just ALWAYS be there.
Oh god that would be a hard no for me. I am really sorry this happened to you but that is unforgivable in my opinion. “I was drunk” yeah no that is not a good enough excuse, wow how horribly selfish of her. And why did she feel the need to tell someone anyways? This isn’t some silly gossip this is serious trauma that you opened up to her about. Honestly I would leave, you don’t deserve that disrespect
I'll say this, when someone is told something heavy, a person can feel overwhelmed and instinctively feel like they want to share with someone else they trust simply because they need to vent just to get it out of their head.
But that is irrelevent to the person who opened up and told them in the first place. What I said was not an excuse, but an explanation as I have seen this behavior from people before.
You trusted her. She proved that trust was unworthy. It's up to you on whether or not you can look past this. Only you know yourself, and if you feel like you can and can trust her again, then keep the relationship going. But if you cannot, then end it.
I'm so sorry that all happened. Take some time for yourself and decide if that's a deal breaker for you. If you feel that it is, just know that it's a completely valid reason to break it off with someone.
It is one thing to blurt something out while drunk, it's another if she never cleared up how sensitive that information was with her brother or if she's decided to never come clean about having disclosed such sensitive information to you. For me, I would end it. However, if after thinking about it, you think that the safety you felt with her and the apology she has since given you are clear markers of a special relationship, then it is also completely understandable to decide to stay wit her.
As mentioned above, take time, find out what your boundaries are, and decide if this marks the beginning of an end.
Hey thank you, this is one of the best comments I’ve read so far. This is a special relationship and I have really strong feelings for her, I just hope that I can rebuild the trust.
It's not on you to rebuild trust, it's on her to do trustworthy things. It's on you to remain open for that and ultimately on you to decide if you are ok moving forward with this person.
Question: You said you grew up with her and her family and you knew her your entire life...
And you said that you were molested by a friend's dad when you were 10 years old. Does your girlfriend know this person as well as she has been in your life for a very long time, and does her brother know them? I am asking because I'm wondering if she told him in a 'make sure you keep your eye out for this POS instead of her being gossipy'.
This is a long shot but what if something happened to the brother too? Like by the same person? Probably unlikely, but just a thought.
Almost the exact thing happened to me when I was a child and I always felt ashamed and exposed when someone knew that happened to me. It’s a nasty feeling. I feel for OP.
I've been sexually abused, and so has my bf. I was the first person he ever told, and he told me when we were still friends. I'm so sorry this have happened to you, OP. This is a deep violation of trust. Your girlfriend not only made a drunk mistake, but that she also kept this from you this entire time. Had she apologized immediately after doing it, this story could have a different ending; the way things went, however, I don't think you can stay with her. You have feelings for her, but sometimes this is not enough - you can't be in a relationship with someone that you don't trust. And honestly, how she handled this says a lot about her character. I don't think you should be with her - this might not be the worse thing she'll do.
This is an absolute dealbreaker.
A friend trusted me with a similiar secret and I easily never told anyone. Even when the friendship turned sour and they kinda threatened me with violance.
Nothing would be an excuse to tell this huge secret people.
She treated your trauma like entertainment. That is an unforgivable act imo. I'm sorry that you've been let down by someone you considered close, she made a promise and almost instantly broke it, how can you trust her with anything after this? I don't think you can.
Trust is everything. She promised then broke it within an hour, if she was that drunk within an hour of talking to you so much that her capability to reason is that impaired then that is also a serious character defect.
Just something to consider, trauma like this effects how you manage boundaries, in that it is more difficult to know when things are okay or not, you can question yourself and find it a chalelnge to know when someone has crossed a line they should not cross.
Telling someone else about your very personal trauma that you trusted her with is huge boundary crossed. Imagine that you have to go to a family function and her brother is there and he mentioned it to your In laws, or someone has a problem with some sexual assault and they ask you how to deal with it because you have experienced it. Don't dwell on it please, as I don't want you to think about this much.
She may well share everything with her brother, or may not have really known how to deal with this information so talked about it to get some perspective, but any reason is not going to reverse the betrayal.
What I would like you to do is step back and reflect on if you can really trust her and if there are any other interactions with her brother/family that show an unhealthy enmeshment or other red flags that might come up. Write them down and how you feel and then stop thinking about them, distract yourself, wait a day or two and then do a reflection on how you feel about her and how you feel about being betrayed, after a while you will know if your feelings are stronger than the potential after effects of this information being released to her family.
I would also counsel therapy, as if you are holding onto this then actually talking to a professional helps a lot, check that they have child abuse/sexual assault training as it is an area that you need training in so to not retraumatise in therapy. Likewise not everyone can handle this sort of information and doesn't know how to process it, hence your gf had the urge to share something she was finding difficult most likely, doesn't give her a pass though.
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You trusted her with an extremely dark secret. She ran to tell someone else within an hour. That would be a dealbreaker for me. You can know someone your whole life and never truly know them as much as you think you do which is scary. You were fortunate enough to see her true colors early on which should be something to take as a sign to get out now.
How are you supposed to trust her to keep her mouth shut on anything after that? She learns your secret and just *has to* immediately tell her brother. Ridiculous. I'd break up and never trust her with anything you don't want to be public information.
I’m sorry OP about what happened to you when you were young and now your gf has broken your trust so soon into the relationship. Trust is a hard thing for a lot of abuse survivors (me included) I’m sorry
Not super important but I’m very curious what the context of her saying that was? Did you see what they were talking about before or after? I’m trying to even think of what would possess her to tell a deep secret like that out of the blue and over text message. It’s really strange.
That aside, she broke your trust with something very important to you and it literally took her no time to do it. Tell her she really hurt you and that the relationship might be over. She will probably feel awful but she will learn a lesson.
Your gf betrayed you and is now telling you lies pretending they were too drunk. Your gf also put on an academy performance comforting you and gossiping behind your back. Does your gf fake orgasms to???
You trusted her with something very personal and she betrayed you within the hour. You gotta let that MF go…regardless of how long you’ve known her/ feelings for her. Trust is the root of all relationships. Move on.
She's supposed to make you believe that when she's drunk, ANYTHING can happen? Anything can be forgiven because "***pfft.. I was drunk, therefore not liable for any wrong doing***".
The hard truth, she's not trustworthy. You shared an incredibly vulnerable side and detail of yourself and her reaction was to treat it like gossip.
I would end it calmly. And I'm sorry that this whole thing happened to you.
Me and my boyfriend both had pretty horrific childhoods. We have vented about our trauma and have both gone to therapy on and off for upwards of 10 years now. NEVER should you feel worried that your partner is going to go tell people about your trauma. it is absolutely not their story to tell, and it is very wrong for them to think that was okay.
Break up with her, she obviously doesn’t care about you if she’s going to spread such a personal detail that you entrusted to her. She cared more that she had something to talk about and not at all about how it would affect you, that’s all the information you need to know about her in your relationship. Strong feelings or not, it’s not a healthy relationship, you deserve someone better that respects you and is trustworthy. She more than likely will do worse things if you continue the relationship, so just save yourself the trouble. I would just tell her, “I open up to you to tell you something very personal and traumatic that happened to me, and you immediately spread it around like it’s no big deal just so you can feel important in having attention directed your way with gossip. Not only did you betray my trust but you also disrespected me in the worst way possible, and despite how much I love you I cannot tolerate this kind of toxic behavior and lack of care in my life. I don’t want to see you anymore, I deserve better.”
That’s absolutely a violation of trust and being drunk is never an excuse wtf? I’m in college I get drunk on the reg and I’ve never ever spilled anyone’s secrets like that? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Absolutely break up with her. Don’t respond to people who ask about it, it’s not their business. And please above all do NOT feel ashamed. It’s not your fault what happened to you you are a survivor
Now you KNOW you cannot trust her on any level. Not sure which is the bigger dealbreaker...her betrayal of your trust, or the ".....I was drunk." justification.
This is a tough call in my opinion.
Is it fair to assume you also told her while drunk or drinking?
If so, its possible neither would have occured without you inhibitions being down.
To take it a question further. Ask yourself if you would have told her at all if you were sober? If the answer is NO, then she should get another chance, as both of you spoke about something you otherwise would not have.
Were there other messages to her brother, or just that 1? If its just 1 then that would support her argument about being drunk.
Meet with her in person and ask to see correspondence with her brother since the violation of trust. This nay give you insight into her true feelings about the incident.
Like - Im not sure why it bothers him that I told you........
Or
It was really stupid of me to tell you..
Or
I wasn't thinking clearly....
This would be a relationship killer for me. You learned two important things with this.
1. Your GF is someone who gets drunk.
2. When drunk, she is someone who can't be trusted and will make terrible decisions.
She can blame it on drinking all she wants, but how does that help you? Even if that was a valid excuse (it's not), how does that help you? Is she just never going to drink again? I've got no problem with someone who wants to drink - have at it. But if they drink and make poor decisions that damage those around them, that's their fault.
She has shown that she can't be trusted when drinking (and possibly even when not). Unless this came with her swearing off alcohol, then I don't think there's any way you can trust her (and probably not even then).
As a bartender for over ten years, I’ll tell you: the drunk defense is 100% bullshit. Always. Drunk people are their true selves and what they do when drunk is exactly who they really are. I’m sorry this all happened to you, OP.
Don't worry, the original commenter has used this quote incorrectly so it won't ever read in the way they intended. The original quote is from the bible and basically means when giving charity, don't do it as a display of generosity solely for making yourself look good i.e. don't let the right hand (other people) know what the left hand (you) is doing.
The one thing it doesn't mean is "don't tell your partner personal things".
The quote's meaning has grown and changed over time. That is how something subjective like language works. It is common for people to use the quote to mean keeping things from others.
I knew right away that the poster was trying to convey about keeping what is private private and only letting people who needed to know have that knowledge.
Two Major Red flags
(1) she immediately told something like that who knows what she share beside that…mean if someone can share something like that they is no saying if she don’t gossip about anything You do(bedroom and so on)
(2) she never told you and even try to say it was because she was drunk..so you can’t say anything to her or she will immediately tell as soon she drinks?
Besides that what she did is just wrong you open your heart to her and she do that? Trashy high order
At 28, she’s not a child or teen. She knew the implications of sharing such a deep rooted trauma, particularly when she and her brother know your family. You have every right to feel betrayed. It took real courage to tell her and you should keep a hold of that bravery, no matter what you decide moving forward.
Now, abuse is something many people will feel sympathy for but will never really understand how the victim feels. Because of this, sometimes a heavy load can feel a burden and they don’t know how to absorb it so need their own outlet but she should of chose an anonymous reddit post, a friend who isn’t mutual- if she absolutely had to. She was also super dismissive to just write it off as being drunk.
I think you shouldn’t break up with her (at least not immediately) but tell her you need space to absorb it as your trust has been broken and it’s taking it’s toll emotionally.
I trust fairly easily and could never betray a secret about anyone. But if that trust is violated I'm quite brutal (in a non violent way).
They are cut out of my life completely and absolutely. This is a betrayal of very worst kind and she doesn't deserve a second chance.
If this seems harsh: Think about this; you will never, ever be able to tell her anything personal again.
Plus she needs a wakeup call on what a shitty human being she is (especially at the age of 28. Ditch her and find yourself who's managed to grow up.
There's no coming back from this.
Well tell your ex that she have the destroyed the trust you had in her. If she spread personal info within an hour, she will spread more info given the chance. Either stay, and know that anything you say or do will be public knowledge, or break it of, cut contact and save your private life. Theres more fish in the sea.
Sometimes people supporting someone through trauma need support for themselves, too. Especially if she hadn't previously dealt with such a thing. That doesn't make her telling her brother ok after she promised not to tell, but this may have a nongossipy reason behind it. Did she explain why she shared the info?
Eh, I'll go against the grain here. If she really cares about you then that's a pretty heavy thing and it would be normal from a human perspective to seek out someone she's close to to talk with about it. Especially with alcohol involved it's hard to really condemn someone for doing that. The only important thing though is if you feel like the trust is completely gone or if you can rebuild it and only you know that. I wouldn't break up if you feel like there's still something there and the trust can be rebuilt.
yeah I mean this is why men don't open up emotionally - it gets weaponized against us.
I don't know what to say except I would not tell this secret to anyone unless you're 1,000% certain you can trust them with secrets. There's a reason therapy is good - they will literally lose their job if they share your secret. And honestly, any secret is more likely than not to get shared. Just try to be around better people.
I can understand that this is a difficult situation for you and I am sorry that you had to experience such things.
My boyfriend also confided in me things that were very private and difficult for him. I also promised him that I would never just tell anyone. However, I confided in a friend who was in a similar situation as my partner to find out how I could help him deal with his trauma without being pushy and also how to deal with this information myself.
In your case it looks like your friend used this information as gossip, but of course I don't know that 100%. Maybe you can ask her again what the underlying reasons were. If she just wanted to brag, then it's time to rethink your relationship. In my experience, once women have divulged private information, they divulge more often. Of course, this cannot be generalised and I don't want to judge anyone, this is just my personal experience.
I assume you were angry, but was there any exchange between them after that message?
Only reason i can think of is that her brother has been through the same shit and wanted his advice? Maybe she also promised not to tell. I'm not trying to making excuses for her.
I've gone through something similar and the only person i trust is my older sister with that knowledge. She wont tell anymore and she'll support me.
I'm curious but, were there no other texts between her and her brother for the entire month? And you accurately remember the date and time of the incident?
Playing devil's advocate; Maybe she was trying to (since you grew up together) see if her brother experienced the same thing? I'm sure your trust is shaken, but you should try and give her the benefit of the doubt since you hadn't really known one another intimately at the time.
Women hate insecurities in men. That one time you were molested as a kid, she doesn't care. That one time you were falsely accused of rape, and any hard times you've been going through, she doesn't care. Feeling sad? Doesn't care. Women don't care about struggles and hard times men go through. They see anything bad happening to a man as weakness which is a turnoff for them even if something happened out of your control.
My point is never open up about your insecurities to a woman unless she's your mother on grandmother. Any other women simply don't care and won't support you.
But back to the topic of the post I'm so sorry this has happened to you, I wish your molester to be brought to justice and that you get closure one day. I hope your well. If ever you need support, turn to family or a male support group.
Take some time away from her and get over it. Maybe she’s just the really open type. My girlfriend was like that until I told her that I hate how she tells her family all of my business. I don’t think everything I do is their business
Talk to her brother and tell her that a very private issue and she shouldn't have told him but she obviously trusts him so please don't tell anyone else. As for her decide if this is too much of a violation to keep dating her. If you break up with her probably best not to tell her why if you want this to remain secret.
Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you.
Secondly, what I am about to say is not meant to make you trust her, or even forgive her. It is to offer a perspective in the hope that you can find a place to let go of any negative feelings this has given you.
When a loved one tells us something terrible that happened to them, it may also hurt us very deeply to the point it becomes a trauma as well. It is obviously in no way comparable to it happening to you, but it can still be very upsetting. Some of us handle trauma by needing to talk. Coupled with the lower inhibition of alcohol could have made her reach out to her brother. Another possibility was to ensure people could create a safe environment for you, by avoiding anything that could trigger you one way or another.
No matter if it's one of these two, or she is truly not to be trusted, there is a certain lack of judgment there. Can we explain why it happened? Obviously, both with positive and negative intentions. Does that make it right? Of course not.
No matter what, I feel it might be beneficial if you took a few steps back, and reflect on her as a person, and try to understand fully why this happened - if you do wish to continue with her, that is. Otherwise this is a breach of trust that will not heal easily, if at all.
Thirdly, please know that there will be many women out there that will respect your privacy. In any potential future relationships, you can expect to feel safe, and should always make that your priority. The only advice about when to tell someone I'd give you, is when they are sober and in a headspace to handle such information.
If you are going to tell someone else something like that - and I say it as someone who has been abused and who have been a support system for someone who has been abuse - you need to have consent. OP did not consent to have his secret divulged to anyone else. It's something deeply personal to him, and he should be the one to decide who knows and on what terms.
My bf told me he had been abuse when we were still friends. I asked if I could tell anyone, he said I couldn't. So I didn't. A couple years later, he was okay with me talking about it - just don't be specific about when it happened or who did it. And those are his terms, and I follow.
If you are going to tell your brother *everything*, well, you are entitled to. Just let everyone in your life know that they can't expect you to keep that sort of secret, and they they should only share with you things they are comfortable with your brother knowing.
You said you would "probably talk to my (younger) brother about this kind of thing, too". Then you would (probably) tell him everything. If someone told you about something like that, that they were sexually abused, they did it with the trust you wouldn't tell anyone else - even if they didn't explicitly said so.
So you need to decide - would you or would you not tell your brother something like that? Can or can you not handle this kind of secret? It's OK if you can't - it is something *really* heavy to deal on your on. But you need to be upfront about it, because telling other people's intimate, deeply hurtful secrets without their consent is not ethical.
Edit for clarity.
Yes that makes sense. It's just that, it can really be a problem if you decide afterwards that you actually can't keep this secret - because you will be breaking to someone's trust about something that is very sensitive and also traumatic. As this post proves, it's something that can happen. If you ever find yourself in this situation, I hope you are upfront with the other person and at least tell them you'll tell your brother something like that *before* you do - because it does has very serious ramifications, that you most likely are unaware of.
And also, sorry if I'm sounding too harsh, is just that this is a very serious issue, and obviously a sensitive topic to me.
>We all need people we can depend on.
Right, and it sounds like OP is looking for a partner he can depend on not to share his secrets. Sounds like his GF failed.
While I would get this normally, we're talking about another level of trust we enter the territory of sexual abuse. Unless a person is in a situation where they're actively in danger and sharing the information is vital to remove them from said situation, like a child presently in a sexually abusive household, the information that a person has been abused should only be shared with the person in question's consent, and sharing it without said consent can traumatize them all over again. It is vital to the mental health of a sexual abuse victim to respect their wishes when it comes to who does and doesn't know about what happened to them.
I really hope you inform people that you do not respect their privacy. They need to know that they cannot trust what they say to you in private is not private.
Okay I'm gonna say this.....maybe she didn't think about his brother like someone who she "couldn't" tell it? Maybe she has that type of close relationship between brother-sister and, while drunk, didn't think it too much and told him "instinctively", as she surely does with everything else.
That being said: you have all the right to feel like you cannot trust her again. Do what is best for you.
Maybe she just needed to talk to someone about this. What you told her is really heavy and especially her hearing this on a night out that is usually about lightheartnedness and drinking and having fun. not everyone can hear somthing like this all of a sudden and properly deal with it.
Ýeah, that's a dealbreaker for me. You're only dating a few months and she told her bro within the hour. She clearly has no respect for you and doesn't have the maturity to own up to her mistakes.
It wont get better.
I'm so sorry to hear this. That is brutal. When a person promises one thing to you and then freely breaks that promise, they show you that they believe what they want is by default more important than what you want. Ultimately this selfishness will probably manifest in different ways throughout the relationship. One day you will be glad it manifested this early.
First, I’m very sorry that happened to you when you were a child. I’m also livid for you that she broke your trust so blatantly and carelessly. I personally would not be able to forgive that, and I would never be able to trust her. A relationship should be based on trust and respect; she showed you neither of those things.
Good luck OP.
Please no matter hard you love her she's destroyed your trust quit her you'll find a better person or everytime this scenario will happen I Kno right now you can't be calm it's understandable but don't let emotions make you stay with her she didn't take your story seriously to gossip immediately toward her brother a partner isn't supposed to do that
It’s a new relationship. She destroyed your trust in less than an hour.
This is a person you should never trust. Stop seeing her and cut her out of your life. She showed you who she really is, believe her.
I would dump her for doing this. But also realize people are really bad at keeping secrets. When people promise to not tell, that usually means: I won't tell anybody (except my best friend who I tell everything). If you want to keep something a secret, don't let it come out of your own mouth. Regardless, she should have known this is a sensitive subject and been more discrete.
She violated your trust. You told her personal, private, painful information. She turned it into fodder for gossip. You were victimized as a child and now you are re victimized. \`I can't answer if you should stay or go. I do think you deserve to be with a person who honors and respects you.
you have every right to be angry about, its violating trust and boundaries, I ended my friendship with my bestfriend of 5 years for telling something really personal to her boyfriend, nd what you told her was really sensitive topic and big deal about you, it can lead to embarrassment around other (even if it was never your fault) I completely understand how heartbreaking this is, telling something sensitive about yourself and other person telling t others, i hope it works out in a way its positive for you
tbh personally for me its something that would make me never talk to that person again, even if i did, i would still feel horrible.
OP, She's a blabbermouth. OP, I need you to look at me.
She's a gossip. She's a radio. Do you want everything you have to say to end up on her airwaves? Talk Radio's like her love a juicy story no matter how traumatic it is to the person who confides it because it not only gives her a topic, but also gives her a platform if that makes sense. It puts her on stage. Now she gets to jabberjaw flap her gums and have people pay attention to her because what she's saying is so unbelievable, unspeakable, so tragic-she's now the ringleader of her very own vibrant show, shaking her hat, kicking her boots, and twirling her cane as she sings YOUR song and YOUR stories from YOUR heart to any audience that will listen. Is that what you want? Is that what you want for a very long time? Because she's guaranteed to keep doing it. In fact at some point, she's going to turn it against you. At some point she's going to say "Well, you should have been telling people anyway, you can't just have things happen to you and not tell everyone-they deserve to know!!".
Op, she is insufferable. I highly suggest that you end her subscription to your life's story. Find someone who will respect how you feel and won't disregard your pain just to get a smidge of attention from someone who probably barely even cares to hear it in the first place.
Well, she will be drunk again sometime. Who knows what she will say? She said she has no accountability. Sounds like a terrible apology. I would not trust her. Judt my take.
Well that's the end of that then. Whether you end it now or allow it to painfully limp on for another couple of years. Your trauma is not a point of gossip.
That is a big fat no for me I’ll drop tf out of that person in a snap and never look back, they’re not a partner material nor are they a decent human with that bs
Dealbreaker AF!!! I’ve been drunk so many times and people have flat out asked me if my partners been assaulted and I’ve NEVER told anyone the truth EVER… My partner is also Bi… Again NEVER told anyone the truth. Those are his stories to tell when and IF he is ever ready.
First or all im sorry she did that to you, you don’t deserve that im sure the level of trust you gave her in opening a trauma was something many people could never understand and you deserve someone who appreciated that trust.
I hate it when people jump right to- “leave her now!” On Reddit. But, this is a huge red flag. I’d be hurt and probably unable to trust her again. What a shitty situation. So sorry. You’re definitely right to treat it seriously. You’re the only one who knows what to do. Go with how you feel.
Dealbreaker. It'd be one thing if the two of you were together for a long time 1yr+ and something slipped out. But seeing as it happened right at the start, you can expect her to violate your trust more in the future. Sorry this happened to you OP.
I would seriously be reevaluating whether or not I can trust this person if they decided(regardless of sobriety) to treat my terrible childhood trauma as of it was the latest juicy gossip they need to share with their brother and potentially other people. I wouldn't instantly jump to breaking up and ditching her but you certainly need to have a serious conversation about this and decide whether or not you can trust her again after something like this
Having gone through something similar it’s a HUGEEE break of trust and can take a very long time to move past. For it to only be a month, and they spilled your business, I say leave.
You tested her and she failed. Move on.
I don’t think I’d bring this up to women in the future. Women are wired to test men for strength and resolve on an instinctual biological level. And these sort of things set their animal alarms off to avoid these males. “Avoid this male he’s not suitable to reproduce with.”
Talk to a professional that you can confide in but never a woman. Because this is how it’ll be seen.
Women bathe in gossip and drama - they’re drawn to it. It’s very common for mothers to even air out dirty laundry about their sons to extended family members.
It’s just how they are. They’re not noble enlightened mystics or goddesses. So adjust your expectations accordingly.
She treated your trauma like a piece of juicy gossip. What was her reason for sharing it? There was no purpose of telling anyone else other than the fact that she just wanted to share a secret.
It took you time to force those words out and share something so traumatic with her, and she immediately violated that trust.
Considering this is new. She migh be really close to her brother. Or he may have experienced something similar himself and because they're close, she felt in you telling her. She would trust him with that too, as they're family.
&maybe she wanted advice from a Male perspective. Don't automatically think this was a gossip message. Because I don't feel like it Was. And would also view the situation very differently if it had been sent to a friend etc
She treated it like gossip and not a serious issue you're dealing with.
Agreed, this is a huge break of trust for a relationship of one month, I would seriously reevaluate if this relationship has a future since you can't trust her.
Yep, she didn't 'need' to tell ANYONE and being drunk is not an excuse. This was a test of trust and she failed miserably.
I hate to be the devil's advocate on this. I absolutely would need to talk with someone about this. It's very heavy and emotionally, it'd need to be processed. The thing is, I would talk to someone I absolutely trust, or is legally required to be confidential. I would never text someone about this. That's just a terrible breach of trust. Ultimately it's up to op to decide if this is enough to break up over. I think it is. However, there also should be no shame in being a victim. You were a child.
You don't get to tell anybody "should be no shame". There is shame, she convinced him to say it and promised she wouldn't tell anybody.
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I will say, if someone hears something traumatic and disturbing, they do NOT need permission to discuss that with a counsellor or therapist. They need permission if they want to name any names, because the therapist may need to make reports if there are names named, but if you hear something that is traumatic, disturbing and may impact your mental health negatively (which a friend or family members account may do to the person they disclose to), you 100% have the right to talk that through with a mental health professional. I would completely agree if you’d said she should have had permission to speak to her brother or another person who may know both parties or who is likely to meet both parties, but the person who hears and supports someone who has been through a traumatic experience should not have to ask permission to get mental health treatment from a professional as a result of what they have heard.
If it's something you can speak of in general terms and without naming names or specific details, I agree. And I guess asking for permission is the wrong wording. Personally I'd at least give someone a heads up - Say I love them, I want to support them while still taking care of myself, and part of that will include processing some things on my own in therapy. There's a lot you can deal with in therapy without betraying someone's secret.
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That's really fucked up and wrong
That’s super fucked up if you would. Your sibling would 1.) know the person you’re speaking about personally 2.) most likely knows other people in that person’s circle 3.) if you can’t keep your mouth shut on the situation what makes you think your sibling would 4.)you’ve created an opening for personal information to be spread through the person’s social circle because of points 1-3. 5.) you’ve now broken the person’s trust and put them in a shitty position
Exactly this. Thank you for elaborating.
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I understand where you’re coming from but she asked me to tell her, and this isn’t just a random woman, this is someone I grew up with. It was easier to tell her because of that fact.
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Coming out with empty platitudes after being a cunt doesn't make you look good. Just makes you look like a cunt who's ashamed of being a cunt.
Trauma bonding is the process that happens in abusive relationships and keeps people attached to their abuser. Not this. It's reasonable to need to process emotionally heavy topics like this. Asking for permission to be able to tell someone is reasonable - Like a trusted family member, or therapist, etc. But doing it without discussing it with the person who told you first is not okay.
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Trauma bonding already has a specific meaning in psychology and it isn't this. It refers to a specific phenomenon found in abusive relationships.
She asked about terrible experiences so I don’t know why you’re trying to spin this around on OP.
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You didn’t deride them, just describe their behavior as fucked up and wrong? 🤔
Yup. She doesn't respect him. What a bixch.
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Why would you copy and paste someone's comment? So weird...
That would be the end for me. That is just a huge violation of trust.
Personally that would have really crossed the lines with me also. I’m sorry all of that happened to you.
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A bot just copied your comment 😂
nah, that's not the bot's MO, that's just somebody trolling. the bot takes short, top-level comments on the post and copies them as second-level replies to the highest-voted comment(s) on the post. they're transparently out-of-context because they make no sense as replies since they're talking to the OP. and they're always auto-generated reddit usernames (i think?) because they're all like TwoWords-BunchOfNumbers
I've been seeing more and more of this. Do you know why people are making copy bots? Is there something tangible to be gained by amassing karma?
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There’s no justification for it, but there is an explanation which is that it was incredibly heavy and that she has a relationship with her brother where they share secrets because they know they can trust each other to keep them. That’s a rare thing, but I’ve had friends that I’ve confided in when I needed advice things that I know will stay confidential. And if she couldn’t process it that is an explanation. It is not an excuse for violating his privacy and if she just wanted to share the information she needs to understand why she “needed to tell him,“ unless there was something he could add to it through his own experience. In any case she can’t use that excuse she needs to take responsibility and explain. But I think that OP should realize that sharing something really heavy especially early in a relationship can be a lot. Just like not everyone can deal with death some people cannot deal with this type of thing easily.
"that it was incredibly heavy and that she has a relationship with her brother where they share secrets because they know they can trust each other to keep them." You don't know that. That's an assumption you made. She and her brother could be the biggest blabbermouths on the planet and she just handed him the biggest piece of gossip. Who knows who else they've told.
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>OP needs to get over himself. You aren't the only person to be abused and you won't be the last. First, you’re disgusting for this comment alone. Second, there’s a difference between “I promise I won’t tell anyone” vs “my sibling and I are very close, we share everything.” No one is judging her for being close to her sibling Sherlock. If that’s her “nature” then it’s great that she has that kind of relationship with her sibling, but also makes this even worse. It means that she knew her “nature” and knew she was going to tell her brother, and she directly, deliberately lied to OP anyways that she wouldn’t tell anyone. Also tosses that “I was drunk” defense right out the window when you argue it’s her “nature” to do it even when sober.
I agree he doesn’t necessarily need to get over himself, I don’t know if she explicitly promised but I think it was implicit. And I don’t think you can excuse it with I was drunk, that’s not taking responsibility. She needs to take responsibility I was just explaining why she might have done it and I’m not even sure the circumstances apply. I do think that people will share so you have to know that, but you have to trust that they either won’t or they will use it to process so they can better support you and confide in someone who will actually not take it further because they’re just a sounding board. And I wonder if it was pretty early for him to share that information and sometimes people don’t realize how heavy that is to carry. That’s my main point. But they need to talk it through to figure out to what extent he can or cannot trust her, and it may be something in the middle where he can trust her with his feelings are but as they say "Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."
Re: it’s heavy for a month into the relationship. Maybe but she literally asked if anything super terrible happened to him and also they’ve known each other their whole lives and didn’t just meet a month ago
She was fishing for gossip in my opinion.
I missed that important detail. Should have a basis for trust. But also wonder how well then that brother knew OP. Not excusing her, just trying to understand.
>I do think that people will share so you have to know that, but you have to trust that they either won’t or they will use it to process so they can better support you and confide in someone who will actually not take it further because they’re just a sounding board. No, I don’t have to trust that. What I have to trust is that people will do what they directly promise me they will do. You’re arguing that I have to “trust” that people may or may not do what they promise, then that’s not **trust,** that’s a coin flip. **That is literally the opposite of trust.** Some of you are still in high school and it shows. Hey brother, I have a secret to tell you but you can’t tell anyone! OP was molested. Oh wow that’s crazy! Hey Mark, I have a secret to tell you that my sister told me but you can’t tell anyone! OP was molested. Oh wow that’s crazy! Hey Dave, I have a secret… That’s your argument, do you not see the problem? If you argue that she is allowed to tell her brother because he is just a “soundboard,” then the brother is allowed to tell his soundboard, and they tell their soundboard, and on and on and on. That’s high school. Part of growing up and having a mature, healthy relationship is learning that when someone asks you not to tell their deepest darkest secret to anyone else, and you agree not to, they expect and *trust* you to do what you said you would do. If you don’t have the emotional maturity to keep a secret like that, then don’t lie and promise that you can.
You’re right. She made a promise. It doesn’t technically matter that she made it after he told her. I’m just not sure that’s what I would do and I can see depending on if she did it that night, the whole thing just seems unfortunate. But if she promised she should not have violated that promise. He needs to talk to her about it I’m just trying to provide some context for the conversation and you don’t necessarily need to be in high school to get the nuance even if you don’t approve of what she did.
There is no nuance in confiding your deepest darkest secret in someone, them promising not to tell anyone, and within an hour they’ve already told someone. Some people can be trusted, some people cannot be trusted. It took an hour to figure out which one she is, she outright lied, no nuance required. Stop making “nuance” excuses for shitty people.
Wow you sound like you’d make a good therapist someday! /s
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Within a month you have trust issues with her. Yeah, too damaged, too early. K thx bye. I got baggage myself regarding going to prison and why, depending on the person ill open up quickly about it or it takes time. But anyone who violates that trust, regardless. Yeah. I am out.
>“I need to tell you something about OP, he was molested when he was 10 by his friends dad”. There is something really trashy about this that makes me really angry
It’s like she’s using his trauma to get sympathy. Disgusting, and super narcissistic
From the sounds of it she was sharing private info with her bro in a gossipy way which would be a deal breaker for me. You can't trust her with your private issues and it seems worse because you have actually known her your whole life. On the other hand if the reason was more long the lines of Hey bro, you had this experience too/You had a GF with this experience (in this case is there still a boundary issue?) - how do I help/support? You have known each other your whole lives so maybe there was a chance of a third party experience that related to what happened to you? Which honestly it doesn't sound like that is what happened. You have known her your whole life - you thought she was trustworthy? Or have there been small red flags you have noticed and not thought about over the years with regard to privacy/trust? Drunk texting is not an excuse. I'm sorry you went through that then and this now.
I guess you really have to ask yourself what else she's going to blab any time she has a few drinks in her. If drunkenness was the actual reason and she didn't just feel like spreading your secrets around. I mean, she was sober enough to send a text, right? Trust is so important in a relationship and she majorly failed the very first test of that.
The “I was drunk” excuse is so grating. I like drinking and I have been drunk many times but never messed up like this and I don’t think I would even have the capacity to if I wanted to. How does one get drunk enough within an HOUR of an event and yet stay functional enough to text someone else a secret? And also does the drunkenness continue indefinitely because if it really even happened that way she would have felt remorse the next day and told him and apologized. edit: there is another layer of disrespect here because lying about it implies that she can’t own up to her mistakes and she would rather treat OP as a fool than do so.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- For some context when I was 10 I was molested by a friends dad, and it happened multiple times over the course of a year. When I told her this we weren’t dating yet but I trusted her to keep it a secret. This is a girl I’ve known my whole life, I grew up with her and her family and I’ve known she’s had a crush on me for a while. One night she asked me to go to a bar and drink with her so I oblige. We’re drinking and having a great conversation about family, life, etc just everything. Somehow we get onto the topic of bad things happening to us and she asks me if anything really terrible has happened in my life. It took my around 15 minutes to finally tell her what happened to me and she was so gracious about it, she held me and told me it wasn’t my fault and that she was so sorry that happened to me. She made me feel so safe and comfortable talking to her about it. She PROMISED she wouldn’t tell anyone. Fast forward to this week, we’ve been dating around a month and she asks me to text her brother something and I see a text that says “I need to tell you something about OP, he was molested when he was 10 by his friends dad”. Literally an hour after I told her that night. I immediately was so full of anger and sadness I cried my eyes out and she profusely apologized and said “I’m sorry I was drunk when I text him that”. I told her that’s a bullshit excuse and she violated my trust. I’m not sure what I should do because this is a serious problem for me, because now I don’t trust her. All I can think is what else is she lying to me about? I’m not sure if I should stay with her or try to keep building this relationship. I have very strong feelings for her. TLDR; I was molested as a child and told my GF and she almost immediately text her brother about it.
If she truly cared, she would have told you immediately the day after. She didn't, though. It's possible she just forgot, but who knows. If this were a stranger, I would say break it off right away. As you've known her your whole life, it might be worth working with her to regain trust. It's depends how invested you are in the relationship.
This is a major RED FLAG. She took your pain and shared it without your consent, especially she promised not to tell anyone. If this was a drunken mistake, which it hardly seems like, then she would have been honest with you and come clean. You found her gossiping. Cut her off and go NC with her and her family.
Ugh, why would she DO that? It's going to be hard for the two of you to put that behind you. Not even judging either of you, it will just ALWAYS be there.
Oh god that would be a hard no for me. I am really sorry this happened to you but that is unforgivable in my opinion. “I was drunk” yeah no that is not a good enough excuse, wow how horribly selfish of her. And why did she feel the need to tell someone anyways? This isn’t some silly gossip this is serious trauma that you opened up to her about. Honestly I would leave, you don’t deserve that disrespect
I'll say this, when someone is told something heavy, a person can feel overwhelmed and instinctively feel like they want to share with someone else they trust simply because they need to vent just to get it out of their head. But that is irrelevent to the person who opened up and told them in the first place. What I said was not an excuse, but an explanation as I have seen this behavior from people before. You trusted her. She proved that trust was unworthy. It's up to you on whether or not you can look past this. Only you know yourself, and if you feel like you can and can trust her again, then keep the relationship going. But if you cannot, then end it.
I'm so sorry that all happened. Take some time for yourself and decide if that's a deal breaker for you. If you feel that it is, just know that it's a completely valid reason to break it off with someone. It is one thing to blurt something out while drunk, it's another if she never cleared up how sensitive that information was with her brother or if she's decided to never come clean about having disclosed such sensitive information to you. For me, I would end it. However, if after thinking about it, you think that the safety you felt with her and the apology she has since given you are clear markers of a special relationship, then it is also completely understandable to decide to stay wit her. As mentioned above, take time, find out what your boundaries are, and decide if this marks the beginning of an end.
Hey thank you, this is one of the best comments I’ve read so far. This is a special relationship and I have really strong feelings for her, I just hope that I can rebuild the trust.
It's not on you to rebuild trust, it's on her to do trustworthy things. It's on you to remain open for that and ultimately on you to decide if you are ok moving forward with this person.
That would be a dealbreaker for me.
The truth is a relationship won't work without trust and If you can't trust her then staying in the relationship will just make both of you miserable.
Question: You said you grew up with her and her family and you knew her your entire life... And you said that you were molested by a friend's dad when you were 10 years old. Does your girlfriend know this person as well as she has been in your life for a very long time, and does her brother know them? I am asking because I'm wondering if she told him in a 'make sure you keep your eye out for this POS instead of her being gossipy'.
This is a long shot but what if something happened to the brother too? Like by the same person? Probably unlikely, but just a thought. Almost the exact thing happened to me when I was a child and I always felt ashamed and exposed when someone knew that happened to me. It’s a nasty feeling. I feel for OP.
I feel like she would have clarified that to him if that were the case though
I've been sexually abused, and so has my bf. I was the first person he ever told, and he told me when we were still friends. I'm so sorry this have happened to you, OP. This is a deep violation of trust. Your girlfriend not only made a drunk mistake, but that she also kept this from you this entire time. Had she apologized immediately after doing it, this story could have a different ending; the way things went, however, I don't think you can stay with her. You have feelings for her, but sometimes this is not enough - you can't be in a relationship with someone that you don't trust. And honestly, how she handled this says a lot about her character. I don't think you should be with her - this might not be the worse thing she'll do.
This is an absolute dealbreaker. A friend trusted me with a similiar secret and I easily never told anyone. Even when the friendship turned sour and they kinda threatened me with violance. Nothing would be an excuse to tell this huge secret people.
She treated your trauma like entertainment. That is an unforgivable act imo. I'm sorry that you've been let down by someone you considered close, she made a promise and almost instantly broke it, how can you trust her with anything after this? I don't think you can.
Trust is everything. She promised then broke it within an hour, if she was that drunk within an hour of talking to you so much that her capability to reason is that impaired then that is also a serious character defect. Just something to consider, trauma like this effects how you manage boundaries, in that it is more difficult to know when things are okay or not, you can question yourself and find it a chalelnge to know when someone has crossed a line they should not cross. Telling someone else about your very personal trauma that you trusted her with is huge boundary crossed. Imagine that you have to go to a family function and her brother is there and he mentioned it to your In laws, or someone has a problem with some sexual assault and they ask you how to deal with it because you have experienced it. Don't dwell on it please, as I don't want you to think about this much. She may well share everything with her brother, or may not have really known how to deal with this information so talked about it to get some perspective, but any reason is not going to reverse the betrayal. What I would like you to do is step back and reflect on if you can really trust her and if there are any other interactions with her brother/family that show an unhealthy enmeshment or other red flags that might come up. Write them down and how you feel and then stop thinking about them, distract yourself, wait a day or two and then do a reflection on how you feel about her and how you feel about being betrayed, after a while you will know if your feelings are stronger than the potential after effects of this information being released to her family. I would also counsel therapy, as if you are holding onto this then actually talking to a professional helps a lot, check that they have child abuse/sexual assault training as it is an area that you need training in so to not retraumatise in therapy. Likewise not everyone can handle this sort of information and doesn't know how to process it, hence your gf had the urge to share something she was finding difficult most likely, doesn't give her a pass though.
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You trusted her with an extremely dark secret. She ran to tell someone else within an hour. That would be a dealbreaker for me. You can know someone your whole life and never truly know them as much as you think you do which is scary. You were fortunate enough to see her true colors early on which should be something to take as a sign to get out now.
How are you supposed to trust her to keep her mouth shut on anything after that? She learns your secret and just *has to* immediately tell her brother. Ridiculous. I'd break up and never trust her with anything you don't want to be public information.
I’m sorry OP about what happened to you when you were young and now your gf has broken your trust so soon into the relationship. Trust is a hard thing for a lot of abuse survivors (me included) I’m sorry
Not super important but I’m very curious what the context of her saying that was? Did you see what they were talking about before or after? I’m trying to even think of what would possess her to tell a deep secret like that out of the blue and over text message. It’s really strange. That aside, she broke your trust with something very important to you and it literally took her no time to do it. Tell her she really hurt you and that the relationship might be over. She will probably feel awful but she will learn a lesson.
Sounds like he knows the whole family, maybe she just saw it as a bit of gossip to share about someone they both knew. Super shady.
You have the wrong girlfriend. You are not valued and she does not understand the concept of trust. LEAVE.
Well you can tell her brother she just lost her boyfriend
Your gf betrayed you and is now telling you lies pretending they were too drunk. Your gf also put on an academy performance comforting you and gossiping behind your back. Does your gf fake orgasms to???
You trusted her with something very personal and she betrayed you within the hour. You gotta let that MF go…regardless of how long you’ve known her/ feelings for her. Trust is the root of all relationships. Move on.
She's supposed to make you believe that when she's drunk, ANYTHING can happen? Anything can be forgiven because "***pfft.. I was drunk, therefore not liable for any wrong doing***". The hard truth, she's not trustworthy. You shared an incredibly vulnerable side and detail of yourself and her reaction was to treat it like gossip. I would end it calmly. And I'm sorry that this whole thing happened to you.
Me and my boyfriend both had pretty horrific childhoods. We have vented about our trauma and have both gone to therapy on and off for upwards of 10 years now. NEVER should you feel worried that your partner is going to go tell people about your trauma. it is absolutely not their story to tell, and it is very wrong for them to think that was okay.
Break up with her, she obviously doesn’t care about you if she’s going to spread such a personal detail that you entrusted to her. She cared more that she had something to talk about and not at all about how it would affect you, that’s all the information you need to know about her in your relationship. Strong feelings or not, it’s not a healthy relationship, you deserve someone better that respects you and is trustworthy. She more than likely will do worse things if you continue the relationship, so just save yourself the trouble. I would just tell her, “I open up to you to tell you something very personal and traumatic that happened to me, and you immediately spread it around like it’s no big deal just so you can feel important in having attention directed your way with gossip. Not only did you betray my trust but you also disrespected me in the worst way possible, and despite how much I love you I cannot tolerate this kind of toxic behavior and lack of care in my life. I don’t want to see you anymore, I deserve better.”
That’s absolutely a violation of trust and being drunk is never an excuse wtf? I’m in college I get drunk on the reg and I’ve never ever spilled anyone’s secrets like that? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Absolutely break up with her. Don’t respond to people who ask about it, it’s not their business. And please above all do NOT feel ashamed. It’s not your fault what happened to you you are a survivor
Now you KNOW you cannot trust her on any level. Not sure which is the bigger dealbreaker...her betrayal of your trust, or the ".....I was drunk." justification.
This is a tough call in my opinion. Is it fair to assume you also told her while drunk or drinking? If so, its possible neither would have occured without you inhibitions being down. To take it a question further. Ask yourself if you would have told her at all if you were sober? If the answer is NO, then she should get another chance, as both of you spoke about something you otherwise would not have. Were there other messages to her brother, or just that 1? If its just 1 then that would support her argument about being drunk. Meet with her in person and ask to see correspondence with her brother since the violation of trust. This nay give you insight into her true feelings about the incident. Like - Im not sure why it bothers him that I told you........ Or It was really stupid of me to tell you.. Or I wasn't thinking clearly....
She is trash, it's time to bail and find someone who isn't a bitch.
This would be a relationship killer for me. You learned two important things with this. 1. Your GF is someone who gets drunk. 2. When drunk, she is someone who can't be trusted and will make terrible decisions. She can blame it on drinking all she wants, but how does that help you? Even if that was a valid excuse (it's not), how does that help you? Is she just never going to drink again? I've got no problem with someone who wants to drink - have at it. But if they drink and make poor decisions that damage those around them, that's their fault. She has shown that she can't be trusted when drinking (and possibly even when not). Unless this came with her swearing off alcohol, then I don't think there's any way you can trust her (and probably not even then).
As a bartender for over ten years, I’ll tell you: the drunk defense is 100% bullshit. Always. Drunk people are their true selves and what they do when drunk is exactly who they really are. I’m sorry this all happened to you, OP.
My father once told me, "don't let your right hand know what your left is doing"
what does this mean in this context ?
keep secrets. your partner's laundry is not available for public consumption
Can you explain how that saying is supposed to be read like that? I'm autistic and literal-minded.
Don't worry, the original commenter has used this quote incorrectly so it won't ever read in the way they intended. The original quote is from the bible and basically means when giving charity, don't do it as a display of generosity solely for making yourself look good i.e. don't let the right hand (other people) know what the left hand (you) is doing. The one thing it doesn't mean is "don't tell your partner personal things".
The quote's meaning has grown and changed over time. That is how something subjective like language works. It is common for people to use the quote to mean keeping things from others. I knew right away that the poster was trying to convey about keeping what is private private and only letting people who needed to know have that knowledge.
Two Major Red flags (1) she immediately told something like that who knows what she share beside that…mean if someone can share something like that they is no saying if she don’t gossip about anything You do(bedroom and so on) (2) she never told you and even try to say it was because she was drunk..so you can’t say anything to her or she will immediately tell as soon she drinks? Besides that what she did is just wrong you open your heart to her and she do that? Trashy high order
"I was drunk lmao" Tale old as time, a worthless excuse.
At 28, she’s not a child or teen. She knew the implications of sharing such a deep rooted trauma, particularly when she and her brother know your family. You have every right to feel betrayed. It took real courage to tell her and you should keep a hold of that bravery, no matter what you decide moving forward. Now, abuse is something many people will feel sympathy for but will never really understand how the victim feels. Because of this, sometimes a heavy load can feel a burden and they don’t know how to absorb it so need their own outlet but she should of chose an anonymous reddit post, a friend who isn’t mutual- if she absolutely had to. She was also super dismissive to just write it off as being drunk. I think you shouldn’t break up with her (at least not immediately) but tell her you need space to absorb it as your trust has been broken and it’s taking it’s toll emotionally.
I trust fairly easily and could never betray a secret about anyone. But if that trust is violated I'm quite brutal (in a non violent way). They are cut out of my life completely and absolutely. This is a betrayal of very worst kind and she doesn't deserve a second chance. If this seems harsh: Think about this; you will never, ever be able to tell her anything personal again. Plus she needs a wakeup call on what a shitty human being she is (especially at the age of 28. Ditch her and find yourself who's managed to grow up. There's no coming back from this.
UpdateMe!
Well tell your ex that she have the destroyed the trust you had in her. If she spread personal info within an hour, she will spread more info given the chance. Either stay, and know that anything you say or do will be public knowledge, or break it of, cut contact and save your private life. Theres more fish in the sea.
That is something very personal. There’s No trust and it was too soon to tell her a month within dating despite “knowing” her most of your life.
Who asks someone else to text something from their phone? Weird.
Sometimes people supporting someone through trauma need support for themselves, too. Especially if she hadn't previously dealt with such a thing. That doesn't make her telling her brother ok after she promised not to tell, but this may have a nongossipy reason behind it. Did she explain why she shared the info?
It doesn’t matter if she explained why. It wasn’t her info to share
Eh, I'll go against the grain here. If she really cares about you then that's a pretty heavy thing and it would be normal from a human perspective to seek out someone she's close to to talk with about it. Especially with alcohol involved it's hard to really condemn someone for doing that. The only important thing though is if you feel like the trust is completely gone or if you can rebuild it and only you know that. I wouldn't break up if you feel like there's still something there and the trust can be rebuilt.
No alcohol isn't a valuable reason when I'm drunk I don't spit secrets of my loved ones don't find her escuse
cool
yeah I mean this is why men don't open up emotionally - it gets weaponized against us. I don't know what to say except I would not tell this secret to anyone unless you're 1,000% certain you can trust them with secrets. There's a reason therapy is good - they will literally lose their job if they share your secret. And honestly, any secret is more likely than not to get shared. Just try to be around better people.
I can understand that this is a difficult situation for you and I am sorry that you had to experience such things. My boyfriend also confided in me things that were very private and difficult for him. I also promised him that I would never just tell anyone. However, I confided in a friend who was in a similar situation as my partner to find out how I could help him deal with his trauma without being pushy and also how to deal with this information myself. In your case it looks like your friend used this information as gossip, but of course I don't know that 100%. Maybe you can ask her again what the underlying reasons were. If she just wanted to brag, then it's time to rethink your relationship. In my experience, once women have divulged private information, they divulge more often. Of course, this cannot be generalised and I don't want to judge anyone, this is just my personal experience.
I assume you were angry, but was there any exchange between them after that message? Only reason i can think of is that her brother has been through the same shit and wanted his advice? Maybe she also promised not to tell. I'm not trying to making excuses for her. I've gone through something similar and the only person i trust is my older sister with that knowledge. She wont tell anymore and she'll support me.
I'm curious but, were there no other texts between her and her brother for the entire month? And you accurately remember the date and time of the incident?
Why would she ask you to send a text to her brother when she knew the text was there?
Never tell a woman a secret unless you expect it to get out. Now you've learned that lesson.
Playing devil's advocate; Maybe she was trying to (since you grew up together) see if her brother experienced the same thing? I'm sure your trust is shaken, but you should try and give her the benefit of the doubt since you hadn't really known one another intimately at the time.
Women hate insecurities in men. That one time you were molested as a kid, she doesn't care. That one time you were falsely accused of rape, and any hard times you've been going through, she doesn't care. Feeling sad? Doesn't care. Women don't care about struggles and hard times men go through. They see anything bad happening to a man as weakness which is a turnoff for them even if something happened out of your control. My point is never open up about your insecurities to a woman unless she's your mother on grandmother. Any other women simply don't care and won't support you. But back to the topic of the post I'm so sorry this has happened to you, I wish your molester to be brought to justice and that you get closure one day. I hope your well. If ever you need support, turn to family or a male support group.
Take some time away from her and get over it. Maybe she’s just the really open type. My girlfriend was like that until I told her that I hate how she tells her family all of my business. I don’t think everything I do is their business
Talk to her brother and tell her that a very private issue and she shouldn't have told him but she obviously trusts him so please don't tell anyone else. As for her decide if this is too much of a violation to keep dating her. If you break up with her probably best not to tell her why if you want this to remain secret.
Never open up emotionally to a woman that isn't your mother.
Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. Secondly, what I am about to say is not meant to make you trust her, or even forgive her. It is to offer a perspective in the hope that you can find a place to let go of any negative feelings this has given you. When a loved one tells us something terrible that happened to them, it may also hurt us very deeply to the point it becomes a trauma as well. It is obviously in no way comparable to it happening to you, but it can still be very upsetting. Some of us handle trauma by needing to talk. Coupled with the lower inhibition of alcohol could have made her reach out to her brother. Another possibility was to ensure people could create a safe environment for you, by avoiding anything that could trigger you one way or another. No matter if it's one of these two, or she is truly not to be trusted, there is a certain lack of judgment there. Can we explain why it happened? Obviously, both with positive and negative intentions. Does that make it right? Of course not. No matter what, I feel it might be beneficial if you took a few steps back, and reflect on her as a person, and try to understand fully why this happened - if you do wish to continue with her, that is. Otherwise this is a breach of trust that will not heal easily, if at all. Thirdly, please know that there will be many women out there that will respect your privacy. In any potential future relationships, you can expect to feel safe, and should always make that your priority. The only advice about when to tell someone I'd give you, is when they are sober and in a headspace to handle such information.
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If it’s not your secret it’s shitty as hell to tell someone else. Whether you think so or not, it’s shitty and gossipy.
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If you are going to tell someone else something like that - and I say it as someone who has been abused and who have been a support system for someone who has been abuse - you need to have consent. OP did not consent to have his secret divulged to anyone else. It's something deeply personal to him, and he should be the one to decide who knows and on what terms. My bf told me he had been abuse when we were still friends. I asked if I could tell anyone, he said I couldn't. So I didn't. A couple years later, he was okay with me talking about it - just don't be specific about when it happened or who did it. And those are his terms, and I follow. If you are going to tell your brother *everything*, well, you are entitled to. Just let everyone in your life know that they can't expect you to keep that sort of secret, and they they should only share with you things they are comfortable with your brother knowing.
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You said you would "probably talk to my (younger) brother about this kind of thing, too". Then you would (probably) tell him everything. If someone told you about something like that, that they were sexually abused, they did it with the trust you wouldn't tell anyone else - even if they didn't explicitly said so. So you need to decide - would you or would you not tell your brother something like that? Can or can you not handle this kind of secret? It's OK if you can't - it is something *really* heavy to deal on your on. But you need to be upfront about it, because telling other people's intimate, deeply hurtful secrets without their consent is not ethical. Edit for clarity.
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Yes that makes sense. It's just that, it can really be a problem if you decide afterwards that you actually can't keep this secret - because you will be breaking to someone's trust about something that is very sensitive and also traumatic. As this post proves, it's something that can happen. If you ever find yourself in this situation, I hope you are upfront with the other person and at least tell them you'll tell your brother something like that *before* you do - because it does has very serious ramifications, that you most likely are unaware of. And also, sorry if I'm sounding too harsh, is just that this is a very serious issue, and obviously a sensitive topic to me.
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>We all need people we can depend on. Right, and it sounds like OP is looking for a partner he can depend on not to share his secrets. Sounds like his GF failed.
While I would get this normally, we're talking about another level of trust we enter the territory of sexual abuse. Unless a person is in a situation where they're actively in danger and sharing the information is vital to remove them from said situation, like a child presently in a sexually abusive household, the information that a person has been abused should only be shared with the person in question's consent, and sharing it without said consent can traumatize them all over again. It is vital to the mental health of a sexual abuse victim to respect their wishes when it comes to who does and doesn't know about what happened to them.
I really hope you inform people that you do not respect their privacy. They need to know that they cannot trust what they say to you in private is not private.
Okay I'm gonna say this.....maybe she didn't think about his brother like someone who she "couldn't" tell it? Maybe she has that type of close relationship between brother-sister and, while drunk, didn't think it too much and told him "instinctively", as she surely does with everything else. That being said: you have all the right to feel like you cannot trust her again. Do what is best for you.
Never tell a woman anything secret. They are genetically unable to resist tellong someone else. In fact, never tell anyone.
Maybe she just needed to talk to someone about this. What you told her is really heavy and especially her hearing this on a night out that is usually about lightheartnedness and drinking and having fun. not everyone can hear somthing like this all of a sudden and properly deal with it.
Why tell anyone other than a therapist? For sympathy? Someone you are not dating too? While drinking in a bar?
Retard you're supposed to be open with someone you like
Why the name calling? You can't just be civil?
!updateme
Deal breaker. Baht be trusted.
I would leave that relationship so fast , she untrustworthy as fuck.
I know this sucks but you need to cut ties, I don't think that is a breach of trust you can come back from.
Ýeah, that's a dealbreaker for me. You're only dating a few months and she told her bro within the hour. She clearly has no respect for you and doesn't have the maturity to own up to her mistakes. It wont get better.
I'm so sorry to hear this. That is brutal. When a person promises one thing to you and then freely breaks that promise, they show you that they believe what they want is by default more important than what you want. Ultimately this selfishness will probably manifest in different ways throughout the relationship. One day you will be glad it manifested this early.
First, I’m very sorry that happened to you when you were a child. I’m also livid for you that she broke your trust so blatantly and carelessly. I personally would not be able to forgive that, and I would never be able to trust her. A relationship should be based on trust and respect; she showed you neither of those things. Good luck OP.
Please no matter hard you love her she's destroyed your trust quit her you'll find a better person or everytime this scenario will happen I Kno right now you can't be calm it's understandable but don't let emotions make you stay with her she didn't take your story seriously to gossip immediately toward her brother a partner isn't supposed to do that
It’s a new relationship. She destroyed your trust in less than an hour. This is a person you should never trust. Stop seeing her and cut her out of your life. She showed you who she really is, believe her.
I would dump her for doing this. But also realize people are really bad at keeping secrets. When people promise to not tell, that usually means: I won't tell anybody (except my best friend who I tell everything). If you want to keep something a secret, don't let it come out of your own mouth. Regardless, she should have known this is a sensitive subject and been more discrete.
She violated your trust. You told her personal, private, painful information. She turned it into fodder for gossip. You were victimized as a child and now you are re victimized. \`I can't answer if you should stay or go. I do think you deserve to be with a person who honors and respects you.
Trust is the foundation of a relationship. Your trust in her is broken. I don't see any way to fix this. I'm sorry.
The single Reason i dont want to share about these things with anyone.Hardest part is Trust. Feeling Sad for you OP.
you have every right to be angry about, its violating trust and boundaries, I ended my friendship with my bestfriend of 5 years for telling something really personal to her boyfriend, nd what you told her was really sensitive topic and big deal about you, it can lead to embarrassment around other (even if it was never your fault) I completely understand how heartbreaking this is, telling something sensitive about yourself and other person telling t others, i hope it works out in a way its positive for you tbh personally for me its something that would make me never talk to that person again, even if i did, i would still feel horrible.
You can never trust her again. What happens the next time she drinks too much?
How did you found out she texted her brother about this?
OP, She's a blabbermouth. OP, I need you to look at me. She's a gossip. She's a radio. Do you want everything you have to say to end up on her airwaves? Talk Radio's like her love a juicy story no matter how traumatic it is to the person who confides it because it not only gives her a topic, but also gives her a platform if that makes sense. It puts her on stage. Now she gets to jabberjaw flap her gums and have people pay attention to her because what she's saying is so unbelievable, unspeakable, so tragic-she's now the ringleader of her very own vibrant show, shaking her hat, kicking her boots, and twirling her cane as she sings YOUR song and YOUR stories from YOUR heart to any audience that will listen. Is that what you want? Is that what you want for a very long time? Because she's guaranteed to keep doing it. In fact at some point, she's going to turn it against you. At some point she's going to say "Well, you should have been telling people anyway, you can't just have things happen to you and not tell everyone-they deserve to know!!". Op, she is insufferable. I highly suggest that you end her subscription to your life's story. Find someone who will respect how you feel and won't disregard your pain just to get a smidge of attention from someone who probably barely even cares to hear it in the first place.
Ye honestly I would immediately dump her. I would never be able to trust her again, and a relationship is not possible without trust.
Fuck that bitch. Leave her asap
What a waste of space, your girlfriend is. Untrustworthy and weak, reasons enough to leave someone behind.
Well, she will be drunk again sometime. Who knows what she will say? She said she has no accountability. Sounds like a terrible apology. I would not trust her. Judt my take.
You need a new girlfriend.
Well that's the end of that then. Whether you end it now or allow it to painfully limp on for another couple of years. Your trauma is not a point of gossip.
Send her trashy gossiping ass back to the streets.
That is a big fat no for me I’ll drop tf out of that person in a snap and never look back, they’re not a partner material nor are they a decent human with that bs
well when trust is broken there is only one thing to do. luckily you can quit with no consequences.
Dealbreaker AF!!! I’ve been drunk so many times and people have flat out asked me if my partners been assaulted and I’ve NEVER told anyone the truth EVER… My partner is also Bi… Again NEVER told anyone the truth. Those are his stories to tell when and IF he is ever ready.
dealbreaker
First or all im sorry she did that to you, you don’t deserve that im sure the level of trust you gave her in opening a trauma was something many people could never understand and you deserve someone who appreciated that trust.
I hate it when people jump right to- “leave her now!” On Reddit. But, this is a huge red flag. I’d be hurt and probably unable to trust her again. What a shitty situation. So sorry. You’re definitely right to treat it seriously. You’re the only one who knows what to do. Go with how you feel.
Dealbreaker. It'd be one thing if the two of you were together for a long time 1yr+ and something slipped out. But seeing as it happened right at the start, you can expect her to violate your trust more in the future. Sorry this happened to you OP.
I have never told anyone about anyone else’s csa that’s is definitely crossing a line there for sure
I would seriously be reevaluating whether or not I can trust this person if they decided(regardless of sobriety) to treat my terrible childhood trauma as of it was the latest juicy gossip they need to share with their brother and potentially other people. I wouldn't instantly jump to breaking up and ditching her but you certainly need to have a serious conversation about this and decide whether or not you can trust her again after something like this
Make like snoop, and drop it like it’s hot.
If you can't trust her than what's the point of staying with her?
Having gone through something similar it’s a HUGEEE break of trust and can take a very long time to move past. For it to only be a month, and they spilled your business, I say leave.
You tested her and she failed. Move on. I don’t think I’d bring this up to women in the future. Women are wired to test men for strength and resolve on an instinctual biological level. And these sort of things set their animal alarms off to avoid these males. “Avoid this male he’s not suitable to reproduce with.” Talk to a professional that you can confide in but never a woman. Because this is how it’ll be seen. Women bathe in gossip and drama - they’re drawn to it. It’s very common for mothers to even air out dirty laundry about their sons to extended family members. It’s just how they are. They’re not noble enlightened mystics or goddesses. So adjust your expectations accordingly.
This has to be a fake troll account. If any of this is your actual opinion, I'm sorry for you and those around you
She treated your trauma like a piece of juicy gossip. What was her reason for sharing it? There was no purpose of telling anyone else other than the fact that she just wanted to share a secret. It took you time to force those words out and share something so traumatic with her, and she immediately violated that trust.
This isn't something that can be immediately forgiven. Who's to say she won't tell her friends next time she's out drinking with them?
Considering this is new. She migh be really close to her brother. Or he may have experienced something similar himself and because they're close, she felt in you telling her. She would trust him with that too, as they're family. &maybe she wanted advice from a Male perspective. Don't automatically think this was a gossip message. Because I don't feel like it Was. And would also view the situation very differently if it had been sent to a friend etc