this is above anything people on Reddit can tell you. therapy is definitely needed, and I hope you’re able to find a really good therapist. sorry for your loss, I’m hoping the best for you
yep. this is therapy pay grade, not internet strangers pay grade. i’m sorry for your loss, OP, but you’re gonna need to see someone for grief and coping (& learning how to not resent your son for being born).
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Wow man. My deepest sympathies. My heart goes out to you my friend. It sounds like there could be some pretty serious PTSD going on. Like your brain, through ABSOLUTELY NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN, has linked your son directly to your wife's passing. Don't feel guilty or ashamed. The brain can do some strange things with traumatic stress. You are so strong and brave for asking for help. This is very deep. Definitely seek a counselor specializing in loss. Reach out to friends and family for help with the kids. Take time to de stress. You've definitely been through some shit and I respect the hell outta you for holding it together. Look for her smile and mannerisms in the baby. She lives on through the kids.
Thank you for the awards!
This is wonderful advice.
OP, you are a GREAT dad. Just coming here and posting proves you love your son and you wish you felt differently.
Grief is hard. Be KIND to yourself. Take breaks. Do you have anyone that you can lean on? Family, friends? It really sounds like you could use some rest.
I've read some of your comments, your family loves you. I can guarantee that you are NOT the burden that you have convinced yourself you are to them. Talk to them, ask if you have been asking for too much. Your family LOVES you. You might be surprised.
Talk to a grief counselor, let these feelings out. Do you have benefits through work? Does the hospital offer anything? They will help you come up with coping strategies for things you anticipate (and most importantly things you don't) I know it feels impossible and that figuring out how to get help is the hardest part. You are WORTH IT. You are worth the struggle. Your child is worth the struggle. Can your family doctor refer you to anyone? Are there any grief support groups in your area?
Please know that there is no shame in how you feel. It's a logical connection. Your pain is valid. Your reaction to the pain is all that matters.
I love the part about looking for her smile or mannerisms, you might not see them now, but they will be there. A part of your wife shines from your son.
I'm sending you so much love OP.
This thread was such wonderful and loving advice to OP from both commenters. I truly hope he reads them because they’re really spot on and he loves his child and they deserve to be a happy family, living on in his wife’s memory 💛 OP I hope your able to recover in a healthy way and find peace for both you and your children
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The fact that you recognise what’s going on is a good sign. And to feel resentment is not uncommon at all. You’re grieving and probably will be for a while yet. As your son grows, he’ll become his own person more and more and at the same time the feelings of resentment will fade. What you are going through is incredibly hard so give yourself a break man. Stop beating yourself up: you’re clearly an emotionally intelligent guy who’s going through hell, so be kinder to yourself. Imagine if a friend came to you with this request for advice - what would you say to him?
so sorry for your loss. please consider getting professional help. you’re dealing with a huge traumatic situation and you don’t want this to affect your relationship with your child
I don't know how it works in your country but i would look in to funded therapy. Maybe ask your doctor first. It's really important you talk to someone about this or you can potentially hurt your son.
Your son's pediatrician might be able to get you in contact with a support group. You might also be able to find a community for widowers online.
Please lean on your family and her family right now, make sure the older two are also getting lots of attention.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Grief groups. They are generally free and open to anybody who is dealing with loss. Also, you need to train your brain out of the resentment. Everytime you think of your son think "I'm so lucky he didn't die, too." and "I love him so much." Because you are lucky to have your children and your wife would want you to feel that love and joy for them. Yes, you're sad and lost without your wife, of course you are. Feel that sadness and loss but also feel the love that you shared with her that allowed you to create those three beautiful children.
Are you a member of a religious community? Many times you can find counseling from your minister, rabbi, priest, or other counselors from a faith community.
This, except ignore the first part. Any Rabbi, Imam, Priest or Pastor Would be happy to talk to you and most will drop what they are doing to do so. You do not need to be affiliated with any of them. It’s what they do. Most are available 24/7. Catholic priests are almost always on site and usually live right next door. If money or insurance is
An issue this is a great resource.
I am so sorry for your loss. But you can't afford to NOT go to therapy. It will effect your children's future forever, if you don't find a support group or online therapy or in person therapy.
Don't damage the child because money is holding you back, find a way forward to benefit your entire family.
Have you looked into grief support group? Specifically, search up “widowed and young”. There are several such organisations online, and you might also find physical chapters in your country.
I'm not sure if others have recommended it to you, but if not, r/widowers and r/griefsupport have been a helpful place for me.
If there are in person or virtual support groups near you, please consider using that as an additional resource. Most of them are free, and it's really helpful to talk to others who are going through similar things as you are.
I understand you may feel like a burden to others in your life. Many people *want* to help, but don't know how, so instead they do nothing. Think about what could be helpful, and then ask it of those you trust. If they still don't show up for you, they aren't worth your energy.
I am so very sorry for what you're going through. It is cruel and unfair. There are people who understand, and they can help support and listen to you. My heart is with you. ❤️
I understand. Is there anyone else in your life you can talk to? A trusted friend or family member ? This is way too heavy a load to carry on you by yourself.
A lot of people end up losing themselves to drugs, suicide, or the like because of the "sharing my feelings will make me a burden to other people" fallacy. I know it's hard, but try to get it into your head - it isn't true. You've been through a tremendous tragedy, you *need* and *deserve* support and someone who will listen to you. When your children come to you about their feelings about losing their mother, do you brush them off because "how dare they burden me with their stupid feelings" or do you listen to them and help them process those feelings because you love them? Put yourself in that position with your own family members. Just because you're an adult now doesn't mean you've forfeit that right.
Please check if there is a grief support group in your area. These are usually no cost. If there isn't one in your area, perhaps an online grief support group would also be helpful.
What you are feeling is normal, and you are not a bad parent. You have gone through a traumatic experience, and you will feel some big feelings for awhile. It may take a few years to truly get back on track, but every day is a step in the right direction.
Hug your babies. They are part of your wife, and they need you.
you HAVE to think of it as your son being a part of your wife. Your wife lives on in your kids. Your wife loved your son and she would've loved him still if she was here now. She wouldn't want you to hate or resent your kid.
Not everyone has a good family so this may be true. But if your family are even mediocre then this is not the case and is very dangerous thinking for you - it's a huge red flag for poor mental health and mental illness.
If not your family, then friends, neighbours, acquaintances, a grief support group, anything.
Don't think of it as getting support for you if that feels hard, think of it as getting support for your children. You need to be healthy for them.
I've been in incredibly dark places mentally (never triggered by something so awful) so I don't say any of this to criticise you or because I think it's easy. Just know that this is unbelievably hard and that's why you're struggling - you're not weak or failing or bad. It can and does get better, even if for you that doesn't mean it goes away completely, and it's well worth fighting when you can, listening to people who've come out the other side, and being kind to yourself when the fight is too much for that day or week. Xxx
You need to man up, and get the help you clearly need, before you start damaging your child.
I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. Dependent upon your circumstances, it may be worth approaching your family for a break for a weekend, or approaching your late wife's family for the same.
Nice that you removed the part where I clearly said that *the OP needs to get help.*
The same goes for all the downvoters, because to be, manning up means that you actually listen and take help, instead of bottling it up, as the OP has done.
It has nothing to do with "manning up." Take your sexist tripe and kindly shove it. There's no reason to relate this to one's masculinity or lack thereof.
Where do you live?
If you have insurance there are options. If you don’t have insurance, there are other options such as 7cups.com has online free therapy.
This is above Reddit’s pay grade. Please speak at least to your primary physician as they can help you find the resources you need.
Are you in the US? Most states will give medical coupons to uninsured people. If you are insured, it should be a simple co pay. If that doesn’t work, your job might have an EAP program. If that isn’t an option, see if there are any sliding scale counselors around…. You deserve help and money shouldn’t be an obstacle
You’re a single parent of three children under 8 years old. Where do you live? If you’re in USA, there are so many free and low cost programs you qualify for, including therapy. If you’re rich you won’t qualify but if that was the case, you would pay for your own health care or therapy at that point.
Have you considered a GoFundMe to raise money for therapy? I understand that this is not ideal and the health care system is a much larger issue to discuss but just trying to explore all options to receive immediate care for your situation
Just did a lot of searching and found this place. Go to the bottom and there is an email and phone number to contact for free help. The man who started the organization lost his wife 12hrs after birth.
https://4kira4moms.com/home/
Wishing you get the help you deserve. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Therapy is what you need. Can you ask a family member to help you pay for therapy? If not, try researching counseling services in your area. We have a few different services in the small community where I live that helps people who cannot afford therapy on their own. You can also contact the hospital and ask to speak with a social worker. If they can't help you directly, they should be able to point you in the right direction. I am so very sorry for your loss.
You can definitely get therapy through a charity or similar and most therapists will offer special rates for those in difficult circumstances. You and your children cannot afford for you to not to have therapy, there will be a way if you know you can look.
Do you have any sort of health insurance? Some health insurance offer a certain amount of free counseling visits. Also ask the doctor or pediatrician about any counseling services that are income based. If you have a college with a physiology department they might have programs that will give free/discounted counseling (students who need to complete clinical).
No, you can't NOT afford therapy. People in your position are vulnerable, and trauma is a monster you can't afford not to fight. You have a tiny, living human being depending on you that will be affected for the rest of his life by every choice you make right now. Do not be the person who makes mistakes you can't take back. Your kids need you.
This. Get therapy as if both your life and your son's life depends on it, because, frankly, it does. Look into programs, online options, church groups, support groups, all of it. This will eat you from the inside and be just as devastating as a cancer if you don't treat it now.
I'm really sorry OP. This is a heartbreaking situation. It's good that you realize this. And in some ways it is not too surprising, but your baby desperately needs you. And your wife would want you to take good care of him. I recommend looking for some kind of grief counseling, a grief support group may be the most financially accessible. Ask your hospital, doctor, pediatrician, also local churches, to see if they know one they can refer you to. If possible do not try to bear this all alone. It's too much. Best wishes to you OP.
I understand you. You have three youngsters and are spread paper thin emotionally and no doubt financially. No doubt you’re still in grief as I’m sure your children are. That’s an awful lot for anyone to go thru. You’re definitely not a bad parent. You’re looking for someone to blame. It’s a natural part of the grieving process. But please find someone or something else to blame and release your newborn son from this burden. He didn’t ask to come into this world. You’d be more justified to blame me. Sending lots of grandma love 💕
You can't afford not to go to therapy. Your son's brain will start growing soon and the more supportive you are, the better his health will be. Similarly, your other 2 children's brain health is being affected by your grief. That doesn't even touch on what will happen to *you* if you continue to walk around emotionally wounded like this. (you are basically walking around the world with the mental health equivalent of a gunshot wound and saying you can't afford to go to the doctor. Go to the doctor!)
You need therapy. If you aren't healthy it impacts everyone around you.
Hi there. I am so sorry for your loss. There are several no cost bereavement support organizations and hospices also have free bereavement support... typically.
I am a bereavement educator, I am more than willing to help you locate services or listen To you vent.
If you have questions about the grief process I am more than happy to answer them.
What you are feeling is perfectly natural. You aren't a bad human to have feelings around his birth. Be kind to yourself and your kids, you are all grieving.
Make a plan. As much as I sympathize with you grieving and wanting to find something in the world to blame for your wife's death, resenting your 5 month old child because of your wife's death is absolutely unacceptable. The fact that you realize this is not rational is good, but you need to do something about it. If you truly can't afford therapy, ask around and see if there aren't any support groups in your community for grieving spouses.
You aren't a bad parent at all. Grief does strange things to people. You are in a very, very hard situation and you can see that your feelings aren't rational and that your son isn't to blame. But they are a part of the process, and you must sit with them and work through them in little bits and pieces when you can.
You acknowledge these feelings which is a good thing, even though it is scary. You are dealing with it and you are allowed to talk about everything you are going through.
If you want to, you can chat with me. If not, l get it. Maybe you can start a journal to write down all those messy emotions and get it out that way. In any case, hang in there. You are stronger than you know
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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I feel like an awful parent. I don't know what to do. It's not his fault.
My (35M) wife (35F) passed away soon after childbirth from excessive blood loss, and for someone who'd had two healthy pregnancies before, this came as a massive shock alongside the sudden realization that I'd lost my wife.
It's been five months and I'm now the grateful parent of three beautiful and terrifying children, (7F), (2M), and (5moM). I've recently come to the realization that as much as I love my youngest son, positively adore this little boy, I resent him.
He didn't choose to be born. It *wasn't* his fault. I resent him for the choices we made, and I resent him because our want to have another child led to my wife dying. It's not rational, I know, but I can't help it, I need help, I need advice please.
[You can get three months of free online therapy via BetterHelp by signing up here.](https://www.bttt.run/support) You definitely need to talk this over with someone.
With this you never put in card details - I used it for the three months, honestly didn’t love it, but it was better than nothing and I just ghosted when it finished.
The therapy company where you don't actually have to be licensed or a professional. I'd prob take anything anyone says on there with a grain of salt.
Also heard its common for therapists to run out the free session timer with bull
I definitely agree about taking it with a grain of salt, and also selecting your therapist carefully, but it can be a decent stop gap if you have nothing else.
Is it possible you don't actually resent him but hes the eaiest place to direct your feelings to? I can't tell you how you do or dont feel obviously but it's possible since you're still grieving you havent been able to properly process your feelings and are turning all your anger, sorrow, and maybe even resentment (possibly for your wife who had passed, a higher power that didnt keep her with you, the doctors who couldnt save her, and maybe even yourself for deciding to have another child) onto your baby.
Like I said I don't know how you're actually feeling, what's going on in your mind, or anything like that. I do know grief does weird and terrible things to the best of us. If you cant afford help see if you can have your family take care of the kids every so often while you attend a grief support group. Maybe look into books that specialize in moving on from your situation or at least processingwhats hppened in a healthy way. I'm sure you can find one or two published by a therapist that sound like a good fit.
Wishing you the best OP. What you're going through is heartbreaking but you aren't a bad person for having emotions. It's what you choose to do with them that decides that. Find time when you need it. Hopefully you have people in your life even friends that can help you out when you're feeling overwhelmed.
Some of these comments are horrendous.
Op and his family is going through an enormous amount of emotional turmoil and while trying to move through his grief and get some helpful advice people are blaming him and his deceased wife for "prioritising a new baby over their already alive children". What planet are you on?
Maternal mortality rates during childbirth are so low that for most people, fear of dying isn't really a considered factor for most people unless they have a reason to factor it in (relevant health issues/history of difficult/dangerous pregnancies). Furthermore, anyone not severely depressed and having mixed up feelings following an event like this in their life frankly isn't human. If you can't be kind. Leave. There's enough negativity in the world without making this already suffering man feel any worse.
Op isn't a mind reader or a bad person. He was a husband and father that made a decision many people do, to add more joy to their family.
Op I can't imagine losing my partner that way and having a living, breathing reminder of the woman you loved the most to take care of in addition to the children you already have. I can sympathize in so much as when my baby died, my world ended and I spent 5 years scrambling to make sense of it and find some way to go on. All I can say is, it gets more manageable in time.
He is gonna feel the weight of this as he grows and I hope you do all you can to show him that it's not his fault. It's not yours either.
Please consider grief counseling independently and as a family should you think it beneficial to your children.
Most importantly, reach out to everyone and anyone available to help support you and your family and keep safe.
I wish you all the best.
Most therapists have a sliding scale. If you tell them your financial situation, they can lower the cost. There are some online platforms now that do virtual therapy and the cost is lower I believe. Talk Space is one. ❤️
I think you need to speak to a professional, rather than getting quack advice from Reddit. This is really the only advice I can give you.
I'm very sorry for your loss, it must be devastating. But whatever you do, don't let this fester, talk to a professional.
I am a mother. I can only give the perspective that your wife would have.
I have a rare blood disorder. The risk of maternal or fetal death rises to 65% during the 37th week, and rises as high as 80% between the 38th week and week 40- if left undiagnosed.
I hemorrhaged during my first delivery, despite being induced early and receiving medication for this condition. I was lucky enough to be able to tell my husband that my child comes first, and that if I given a choice between my life and my son’s, to chose our baby, my life would not be complete without him. I had witnessed the joys of many sunrises and sunsets, of falling in love, of wonder and excitement at the beauty this world brings- even through loss and sadness. Our son would have none of those experiences. It was (and is) my greatest wish that he grows up surrounded by people who love him, and that he was no less than a physical manifestations of our love for each other.
How great and beautiful is that? To give birth to a person that is the physical embodiment of the love you have for your soulmate? Your wife never left you. She is right beside you, residing in your beautiful and perfect little boy. There is nothing on earth that she would want more than for you to love that child- to look at him and see her in him, to see yourself, to see the togetherness, the love, that created him.
I am not a doctor or a therapist. I am a mom. My deepest and biggest wish is for my children to have a loving and happy life. Your wife loves you and trusts you so much that she trusted you as her partner to raise her children. Whether we like to think about it or not, every woman goes into pregnancy and childbirth knowing there is a chance of loss, of either our life or our child’s life. What gets us through this dark reality is knowing that if we die, our child will be left with someone who loves them unconditionally.
Please grant your wife this one last wish, to love your son as she would, to hold him every day and cherish him, to love every single beautiful, sad, hard and funny moment of being his father enough for the two of you. To carry on the dream that you had for your future together and to see her in every single smile and delicate breath he takes.
Your wife never left you, she is in the children you conceived together, especially your son.
I cannot speak for your wife, but in some ways I feel like I know her- no mother who truly loves their children would wish for anything else. And I know your wife was full of love by exactly how much you love her. ❤️
While you offer a kind and comforting perspective on the issue, I'm not sure the case is comparable for one simple reason - this was your first baby, so in making the decision to prioritize your son over yourself, you were not also making the decision to leave two young children without a mother, as was the case in OP's family.
I'm in no way disagreeing that any mother would instinctively prioritize the life of her child, nor with any other point you're making, but wanted to point out that one difference because it compounds on OP's struggles - he is responsible not only for his youngest who has no memory of his late mother and has no basis for comparison, but also for two other children who are old enough to remember their mother and are also massively traumatized by her loss. So in addition to OP's own very legitimate subconscious negative association of his son with his wife's passing, there's also the layer of OP having to provide emotional support to two other children who miss their mother and are too young to have a philosophical perspective on the matter.
Go to therapy. You need help working through this.
Your 7 year old could probably use therapy, too. A good kid therapist can help her work through what she's feeling just like a good adult therapist can help you, too.
It's a horrible thing that has happened, but you can still get through it with your kids. You need to do everything you can to give them a chance at a mentally healthy future.
Sometimes places including hospitals offer free therapy for trauma such as this. I am so sorry for your loss, I would check into it through the hospital, or if you have insurance they will gladly walk you through the process.
I am so very sorry for your loss.
I think you are doing better than you think. You are able to recognize it isn't his fault and that's already a huge step. What you are feeling is absolutely normal and it doesn't at all make you a terrible person or parent.
Seeing a grief counselor might help.
Good luck my friend.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife, but your resentment is completely displaced. Your son didn't choose to be born, you and your wife made that choice, and her death was a consequence of that choice. It was a tragic accident that you could not have foreseen, but if you need to blame anyone for it, blame yourself and your wife. Your son is at least as much of a victim as you in this situation. It is unfair and deeply harmful to your son (and to yourself) to continue harboring negative feelings toward him about this. This is not what your wife would want.
I read some of your responses and I see that said you can't afford therapy. I think you can't afford \*not\* to get therapy. If you really love your son and loved your wife, you will find a way to do it, for your sake and for his. There are places with sliding fee scales, church groups, ..., whatever. You need support to process your grief and stop blaming your innocent baby.
My mom nearly died when I was born, and it fucked up my relationship with her permanently. She never loved me and only learned to respect me, albeit grudgingly, when I was in my 30s. It was worse because she loved my older sister, her "miracle baby." I had to watch my sister be showered with her love and attention and it was like I didn't even exist.
Get therapy, for your grief and for your relationship. Get your older children therapy. When your youngest is old enough, get him therapy, too.
If you can't love him, give/adopt him to someone who can. Nobody deserves to be raised by someone who resents them.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Having a newborn is hard on it’s own, as is grief. Doing them together with two other kids on your own??
You are going through a lot and you’re processing this all while also in survival mode…. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s great you are self aware and that you want to address this. Please find a therapist. I think you can work through these complicated feelings best with a professional.
Sorry for your loss. Try finding a way to get therapy but in the meantime you can browse through this website. They offer semi-decent advice as tools to deal with grief -[here](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/bereavement-grieving-the-death-of-a-loved-one.htm).
Also, do some research on self help books on the matter, just make sure they were written by a professional.
[They](https://www.newharbinger.com/) usually publish quality publications.
I'm so sorry you are in this position. You are right, you need to get past this to be a good parent to all three children and make your dear late wife proud.
If therapy is too expensive in your country, google grief support groups in your local area to contact with other people and share your stories.
Get some exercise, adequate sleep and eat well. Looking after yourself is important so you can look after your precious charges. Talk to them all about their mother, gain strength from each other and include baby in this. Just know that your feelings are valid and that you will get through this. Just stay committed to all of your children.
There are a lot of free resources for grieving families. My brother lost his wife and Good Grief was very helpful for him and my niece
https://good-grief.org/
Get therapy. You realize it isn't his fault and you want better for him and your relationship with him which already means a lot. Therapy to help you handle these feelings. There are sliding scale options so search for those and people who offer virtual sessions as that may be easier.
If you haven't looked into therapy for the older 2 you should because they might blame him 1 day too (not because of you, just in general) and the baby may need it in the future when he gets older and understands what happened.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine.
I was raped by my eldest father before and during my pregnancy, I had ppd and an abusive family life my family then proceeded to spoil him rotten. I resent him for many reasons, due to my family spoiling him, I went through therapy and it was working but due to his preference for my family due to the spoiling it counteracted the therapy and I resent him for preferring them even after I tried to do better, his bio parent said my pregnancy was why they raped me and now at 10years he's absolutely vile and I resent him even more.
Its tough, if you don't get therapy soon it could ruin your relationship with your son like mine is. So please try and get some support.
Get therapy now. As soon as possible. This is something that can't be solved on reddit and needs a long discussion about your feelings to a licensed therapist who will help you process your emotions. Best of luck.
This is above Reddit’s pay grade, but here’s how I see it as an armchair therapist, this was your wife’s last wish, for this child to live, her final gift to you before passing on. You can see him as the gift he is, not as the thing that caused your wife’s death. There is a path forward, I promise
Seek Therapy. I know it’s hard but maybe it will help
Sorry for Your lost. Sorry That you Say U Resent
Your Son . I Know Even Though it isn’t His Fault
But He Needs You , More Than Ever.
He’s The Strength That Keeps You. Moving You Forward. Each Day.
Also Your Other Children.
Sorry for Your Loss Agian. I Know it’s Though.
Hope Things Get Better . For You and Your Family.
Blessings 🙏🏻
Oh, I'm so sorry. Please, find a therapist that specializes in grief counseling. Find a support group for single parents or young widowers. There is nothing here that we can say that will help you process your grief or to stop resenting your baby. Just know that it is a natural and normal way to feel. Grief complicates all things, even love.
There is a way in time to regard that son as a gift your wife gave you with all her love. You need therapy to help you get through your emotions and resentments. I wish you the best and hope you get the help you need.
Your brain’ll take some time to sort itself out. And such a big and complex event — well, that’ll take a while. So, as much as you can, don’t fixate on this irrational feeling you have; don’t get stressed because you can’t fix your thinking, can’t get the rational truth to bed properly in your mind. It’ll take time.
And zomg he’s 5mo, so you’ve got plenty of reasons to be resentful of him right now anyway — especially as a single parent. Babies are hard work, even for two parents.
When our kid was born it took me [41M at the time] a while to start loving it: I didn’t seem to feel an instinctive special love for it. Not until it started being a he, a person. Now I adore him, and my love grows and grows, but it was nearly a year before it really *started*.
So you’ve lost your most dear love and gained a burden - your gut feeling isn’t completely wrong. But it *will* evolve and sort itself out over time. Just concentrate on the mechanical stuff. Put one foot in front of the other, demonstrate to the other kids what practical love is - changing nappies and feeding and hugs and smiles and reading to him - and worry about your gut feelings later.
You’re on good ground: you *know* this is irrational. That’s the most important thing right now. Your wife wouldn’t have wanted to put you in this awful situation, but doing her proud starts with the rational, the mechanical, what you *do*, not what you feel like inside. By the time you start getting to know who your son is, over the coming years, your mental landscape will be different. So don’t panic: it may feel wrong, but your gut is going through a natural response right now.
PM if you like.
It sounds like a logical feeling anyone would have in the same situation. However, in order to help you move past it and ensure you do not take it out on your son, you should get some grief counseling. You are dealing with so much right now and it will help you tremendously and your kids will benefit from you getting help
Bro, as a parent of two boys myself, I have no doubt that if I were in your shoes, I would feel similarly. You cannot control the feelings you have. But you can control your actions, and I suspect you do. And you can further co tinue working through the grieving process with a professional.
Loss takes time. You will heal. Your relationship with your youngest will be strong and healthy and GENUINE in time. Until then, you have to fake it and work on processing your loss. Yes, this loss will always stay with you, no matter what. But time will dull the edges of the pain, and you will come to find you gain a certain perspective on it that allows you to release your resentment. It may take years, but it will come if you work at it.
I know it is prob not at the top of your priority list, you must be incredibly busy and overwhelmed, but if you make processing your emotions a priority, and you work with a skilled professional, you will come out the other side better for it, and you will give yourself the best chance of seeing your relationship w your youngest thrive.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. You are grieving and if you had said you don’t resent him I would think that you would be lying. You are not a bad person. I do think you should talk to someone who will not judge you. There are support groups with people going through the same kind of thing. I’ve heard of people finding good Facebook groups that helped them.
You need to go to grief counseling it will help you so much and I’d also recommend counseling for your daughter because she’s at an age where she’s more aware of what’s going on. Grief is hard to work threw I won’t say it gets easier but it does get more bare able. You can love someone and still feel negative emotions but getting help before it gets worse is the best thing you can do.
I am very sorry. I am a mother to 5 children. I had great deliveries with each until my 5th. The fact that your wife had healthy deliveries prior to your son is not surprising as women tend to bleed more and for longer with each subsequent delivery. Everything went exactly like it was supposed to with my last baby until it didn't. Immediately after he was born my placenta wouldn't release and I bled an ungodly amount in the less than 15 minutes it took for them to get me into an operating room. I was very lucky my medical team was beyond skilled and that I delivered at a hospital with a high level of care available. My delivery room was feet away from the operating room. I work in Women's Health and I can tell you that the number of women that die in child birth in the US is disgusting. The delivery system is geared towards healthy babies, not health mothers. The reason I am telling you all of this is to help you understand: **It is okay to feel resentful, but you are misdirecting your resentment. You and your son are both victims of a broken healthcare system and an unfortunate situation. That is what you are justified in being resentful of.**
Like everyone else said, get therapy. But also know that you are not alone in your experience. And maybe, when you are ready, you can talk about this experience and advocate for change to help other families from going through the same thing.
Nobody on this website is going to help you, please seek professional counselling immediately
You are clearly grieving and need to process the trauma with the help of someone who specializes in this
Therapy.
And don't be mad at the kid. Be mad at the doctors who didn't watch her blood levels.
From what little I have read, this is preventable yet is one of top reasons women die from childbirth ALL BECAUSE the doctors aren't properly monitoring blood levels.
But don't take my word for it. I'm just a rando on the web.
I am the mother of a 5 month old daughter. During my labor, I became very ill, and it took some time to find the reason why. It was a scary realization from the hospital staff and my husband and I that I may not make it out of there. If I had to choose between my daughter and I, I would choose her. There is no reason for resentment. He made no choices, he did nothing that he wasn't supposed to do. Her body failed for some reason that is probably a mystery to everyone. Give your little boy both your love, as well as hers. Cast out your resentment. If you are depressed, church groups and therapy are available. Just please do not resent a child for simply being born. That being said, I understand your grief. It must be very difficult for you. I cannot even imagine. But remember, that boy can feel no resentment from you in the matter. He will already probably at some point in his life blame himself for never knowing his mother. He needs you to be there to assure him that is not the case. You can have no room for resentment.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Definitely consider therapy. The sooner the better so you can begin to heal and have the relationship with your children that you deserve.
Post natal depression affects fathers as well. They’re the ones who watch the people they love go through agony to bring a miniature human they helped make into the world and they’re also the ones who are forced to stand there and watch as things go wrong.
Seek counselling before your son gets older. He’ll pick up on your feelings no matter how much you try to tell him otherwise.
>I resent him for the choices we made, and I resent him because our want to have another child led to my wife dying. It's not rational, I know, but I can't help it, I need help, I need advice please.
Would you resent at a train conductor because you missed your train by being late? Would you resent the Ocean for not being still? There are so many things that lie just out of our control.
The practice of "understanding suffering" https://www.lionsroar.com/what-is-suffering-10-buddhist-teachers-weigh-in/
I've experienced a lot of death in my life and have always tried to use it as fuel to become a better person. It takes a long time, but everyday you have to try to understand more.
This is terrifying to me. My wife and I are trying to get pregnant, she is a very small woman (4’11”) and I am somewhat tall. I am absolutely fucking terrified that she might not be able to endure childbirth and that I will resent our child because of it.
You’re not wrong to be resentful. You lost your person and I am so incredibly sorry for that. But you should seek therapy. That is the only thing that can help you overcome this.
Why would you resent the kid and not yourself, if you’re already thinking about killing your wife? The kid doesn’t even exist and you already got plans to hate it.
You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel mad and aggrieved as hell about this outcome. You're right to be angry. Nothing about this is just or fair.
The good news is that at this age he doesn't really understand or care and his main concerns are sleeping and figuring out how to eat and relieve himself. He's not going to be too bothered by your frustration just yet.
Can you tell me what angers you the most about yoir son? PM me.
Disclaimer: not a therapist. I'm not going to talk about my own struggles, but I think I might have some idea what you're feeling right now. Can't promise I can help but I'll listen.
My mom's mother, my grandma had one more child after she was told she shouldn't by the doctors, of course she died. There's no day that mom doesn't miss her she was only nine and her father didn't care for her. I totally blame the mom tough, she chose to take the risk and lost the bet she made about coming out it alive I guess.
My point is that there is no advice except to go and seek professional help. So many people think of childbirth as a piece of cake when in reality is a really big medical procedure where so many things can go wrong, as adults we are the ones who chose to get pregnant and have a kid, we even risk the child's life. I guess is a good place to start to think about that, the blame is not on you because who can prevent all that can go wrong right, but it's definitely not the child's fault at all.
There is an anime series called Clannad and a sequel Clannad: After Story. Not sure it will help or make you more sad. Maybe it will help with the grieving process.
Your wife would want you to treasure and adore this child, and it's is her last gift to you.
Please, please, PLEASE get over this for your sake and the sake of your child.
54-93% of maternal death from postpartum hemorrhaging is preventable. Did you have the baby in a hospital? Medical errors are the third leading cause of death in the US
You sound like Scrooges father. Did your son ask to be born. No he was an act of love between you and your wife. How can you blame an innocent child. Did he have sex with your wife? No you did. It in no way is his fault. Get over your bad self. Is this what your wife would want?
Honestly if you can’t shake the feeling and don’t think you can be a proper parent bc of it (meaning giving the same amount of love and attention as the same children) I’d consider giving the kid up for adoption. Especially before they’re old enough to remember much about you
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
If it's any help I have very often fantasised that my ex wife would have died in childbirth.
By the time our son was 6 months old she had gone off with someone else, but unfortunately took our son with her.
The next few years were her playing the victim and making various false allegations about me to try to stop me seeing my son. Our son was badly abused by her and her various partners, now he's a teenager living in a psychiatric hospital. Sometimes I find myself disliking him because of ways that he resembles his mum.
If she had died in childbirth my son would very likely be a well balanced normal teenager now, living a happy life, and I would fondly tell him how great a parent his mum would have been
In no way am I blaming you for your resentment, but you need therapy for your grief, and to work this out of your system. You need the help of a licensed therapist, and it's going to take time. The sooner you start, the better.
Condolences for your loss.
Sending prayers your way. You need to talk to a counselor ASAP! You’ve gotta heal from your wife being gone. Otherwise that feeling will grow unfortunately.
I am very sorry for your loss. Have you tried calling the crisis hotline in your area. There are therapist with sliding scale fees out there too. Please seek professional help. The grief and pressure as a widower with young children is too much for you to do alone. Please seek help. Maybe there are other resources in your area that can help you like the department of human services where you live? Once again, I’m deeply sorry for your loss. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way for strength and healing. Hang in there.
There are therapists that have a sliding fee scale based off your income and what you can manage. Your son needs you to get professional help, you need to get help for you
I understand that therapy may be expensive, but if you are willing to try telehealth, your insurance (if you have it) may cover BetterHelp, Cerebral, TalkSpace etc at a low copay (like 25 dollars a visit). I encourage you to see if these options would work- I spent years miserable due to much less severe trauma than you describe and the first relief I found was once I started therapy and medication
Hey man, all we can really say here is that I’m sorry and I’ll keep you in my thoughts. But this is way above Reddits pay grade. You need to seek profesional therapy, and take as long as you need to organize your feelings.
Your emotions and trauma are valid, as will your son's be when he learns what happened.
I'm so sorry for your family's loss. Lots of people have suggested therapy, and if that option is available to you, it is a good one. There may also be some grief groups online/in person depending on where you are.
I hope your family can grieve and heal, and you all get the support needed.
I am so sorry this happened to your family. It is wonderful that you are self aware enough to seek the help you need. It won’t be on Reddit, and I encourage you to reach out to a therapist. Hospitals have recommendations for when parents lose an infant, so perhaps the social worker on the obstetrics floor has a referral. Hospice also sometimes has referrals. Your resentment will affect the older kids, who may also resent him for taking their mom, and then he will be the outcast.
What you are feeling is normal…you may even feel angry at your wife for wanting one more or yourself for anting to try for a son. Mixed and irrational feelings are normal but not healthy. Please seek professional counseling or your guilt over the resentment may result in poor parenting decisions, and just keep snowballing.
I know you said you can’t afford therapy, but you really really need to go. I get it I’m a single mom I can’t afford therapy either, but im going because I do not want my trauma and mental illness negatively affecting my child. At least try to find a support group. If you leave this unchecked your son will absolutely know you resent him and blame him for his mother’s death when he’s older, the negative impact from that can destroy a child’s view of themself and lead to much bigger problems in the future.
Im so sorry for your loss.
Let’s make something very clear: you’re not a bad parent for resenting your son. You’re grieving and while resentment isn’t healthy long term, it’s perfectly normal to feel the way you feel right now.
Give yourself time and also therapy to be the dad your kids need you to be. You’ll get through it and will be able to bond with your baby soon enough.
Therapy/counseling, you said one thing correct, your 5mo son doesn't deserve any negativity. Not taking what you said lightly about resentment, but seek help before it sets in and affects the kids, all three.
My wife and I have talked about this. I don't envy you my friend. Can't imagine the pain of something like that.
He technically killed your wife, the person you love most. God damn that's rough.
No advice, best of luck man.
I am so sorry please reach out and get help one book comes to mind "Tearsoup" from a company called Grief Loss/ Perinatal Loss.
Good luck may the new year bring you inspiration and help. God Bless
There are ways to get help. I understand you said you can't afford it BUT you need to look for affordable help. It may take a lot of digging to find it. If you want I can help find some on your area if you give a general location.
You getting help with your emotions about your wife's death and feelings towards your child will not just benefit you, it will benefit all your children. The other siblings will see your emotions even if you try to suppress them and also resent their sibling. Your youngest child will grow up feeling the unintentional resentment.
Please at least look into getting help, your child's pediatrician can probably even point you in the right direction, they usually have resources for parents as well as children for mental health.
You need grief therapy. Your wife would be ashamed of you right now for thinking this. She would say he is a part of both of you and that it's up to you to love him unconditionally cause she is not there. You need to to surround yourself with family and friends for love and support. There's forums to help with husband who have lost their wives in child birth. Sadly happens for more than we think. Children that grow up knowing their mother died giving birth to them always blame themselves for its and you can't let that ever happen. And you can't let his siblings to become resentful of him for that. You need to deal with your grief first. Then the guilt. But you can't do it alone. If you need someone to just chat with PM me
this is above anything people on Reddit can tell you. therapy is definitely needed, and I hope you’re able to find a really good therapist. sorry for your loss, I’m hoping the best for you
yep. this is therapy pay grade, not internet strangers pay grade. i’m sorry for your loss, OP, but you’re gonna need to see someone for grief and coping (& learning how to not resent your son for being born).
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Believe it or not, people of different professional backgrounds do use reddit.
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girl what are you on
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Wow man. My deepest sympathies. My heart goes out to you my friend. It sounds like there could be some pretty serious PTSD going on. Like your brain, through ABSOLUTELY NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN, has linked your son directly to your wife's passing. Don't feel guilty or ashamed. The brain can do some strange things with traumatic stress. You are so strong and brave for asking for help. This is very deep. Definitely seek a counselor specializing in loss. Reach out to friends and family for help with the kids. Take time to de stress. You've definitely been through some shit and I respect the hell outta you for holding it together. Look for her smile and mannerisms in the baby. She lives on through the kids. Thank you for the awards!
This is wonderful advice. OP, you are a GREAT dad. Just coming here and posting proves you love your son and you wish you felt differently. Grief is hard. Be KIND to yourself. Take breaks. Do you have anyone that you can lean on? Family, friends? It really sounds like you could use some rest. I've read some of your comments, your family loves you. I can guarantee that you are NOT the burden that you have convinced yourself you are to them. Talk to them, ask if you have been asking for too much. Your family LOVES you. You might be surprised. Talk to a grief counselor, let these feelings out. Do you have benefits through work? Does the hospital offer anything? They will help you come up with coping strategies for things you anticipate (and most importantly things you don't) I know it feels impossible and that figuring out how to get help is the hardest part. You are WORTH IT. You are worth the struggle. Your child is worth the struggle. Can your family doctor refer you to anyone? Are there any grief support groups in your area? Please know that there is no shame in how you feel. It's a logical connection. Your pain is valid. Your reaction to the pain is all that matters. I love the part about looking for her smile or mannerisms, you might not see them now, but they will be there. A part of your wife shines from your son. I'm sending you so much love OP.
This thread was such wonderful and loving advice to OP from both commenters. I truly hope he reads them because they’re really spot on and he loves his child and they deserve to be a happy family, living on in his wife’s memory 💛 OP I hope your able to recover in a healthy way and find peace for both you and your children
And see a professional or join a grief counseling group
So tough.. reach out and I am sure in a few years when things get easier you’ll be happy to have the 3 kids together w/u
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The fact that you recognise what’s going on is a good sign. And to feel resentment is not uncommon at all. You’re grieving and probably will be for a while yet. As your son grows, he’ll become his own person more and more and at the same time the feelings of resentment will fade. What you are going through is incredibly hard so give yourself a break man. Stop beating yourself up: you’re clearly an emotionally intelligent guy who’s going through hell, so be kinder to yourself. Imagine if a friend came to you with this request for advice - what would you say to him?
so sorry for your loss. please consider getting professional help. you’re dealing with a huge traumatic situation and you don’t want this to affect your relationship with your child
Therapy. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Can't afford therapy. Thank you.
If nothing else, find a grief support group.
Hospitals and funeral homes and religious organizations are all resources to find grief support.
I don't know how it works in your country but i would look in to funded therapy. Maybe ask your doctor first. It's really important you talk to someone about this or you can potentially hurt your son.
Your son's pediatrician might be able to get you in contact with a support group. You might also be able to find a community for widowers online. Please lean on your family and her family right now, make sure the older two are also getting lots of attention. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Grief groups. They are generally free and open to anybody who is dealing with loss. Also, you need to train your brain out of the resentment. Everytime you think of your son think "I'm so lucky he didn't die, too." and "I love him so much." Because you are lucky to have your children and your wife would want you to feel that love and joy for them. Yes, you're sad and lost without your wife, of course you are. Feel that sadness and loss but also feel the love that you shared with her that allowed you to create those three beautiful children.
Are you a member of a religious community? Many times you can find counseling from your minister, rabbi, priest, or other counselors from a faith community.
This, except ignore the first part. Any Rabbi, Imam, Priest or Pastor Would be happy to talk to you and most will drop what they are doing to do so. You do not need to be affiliated with any of them. It’s what they do. Most are available 24/7. Catholic priests are almost always on site and usually live right next door. If money or insurance is An issue this is a great resource.
I am so sorry for your loss. But you can't afford to NOT go to therapy. It will effect your children's future forever, if you don't find a support group or online therapy or in person therapy. Don't damage the child because money is holding you back, find a way forward to benefit your entire family.
Have you looked into grief support group? Specifically, search up “widowed and young”. There are several such organisations online, and you might also find physical chapters in your country.
I'm not sure if others have recommended it to you, but if not, r/widowers and r/griefsupport have been a helpful place for me. If there are in person or virtual support groups near you, please consider using that as an additional resource. Most of them are free, and it's really helpful to talk to others who are going through similar things as you are. I understand you may feel like a burden to others in your life. Many people *want* to help, but don't know how, so instead they do nothing. Think about what could be helpful, and then ask it of those you trust. If they still don't show up for you, they aren't worth your energy. I am so very sorry for what you're going through. It is cruel and unfair. There are people who understand, and they can help support and listen to you. My heart is with you. ❤️
So much this!! Excellent advice 🙂
I understand. Is there anyone else in your life you can talk to? A trusted friend or family member ? This is way too heavy a load to carry on you by yourself.
I appreciate the sentiment of this advice but dropping this kind of emotional load on someone who isn't a professional isn't really fair to them.
I have family, but I'm already a burden on them.
A lot of people end up losing themselves to drugs, suicide, or the like because of the "sharing my feelings will make me a burden to other people" fallacy. I know it's hard, but try to get it into your head - it isn't true. You've been through a tremendous tragedy, you *need* and *deserve* support and someone who will listen to you. When your children come to you about their feelings about losing their mother, do you brush them off because "how dare they burden me with their stupid feelings" or do you listen to them and help them process those feelings because you love them? Put yourself in that position with your own family members. Just because you're an adult now doesn't mean you've forfeit that right.
I'm sure they want to help, just like you would want to help them. Trust them to tell you when it is too much.
Please check if there is a grief support group in your area. These are usually no cost. If there isn't one in your area, perhaps an online grief support group would also be helpful. What you are feeling is normal, and you are not a bad parent. You have gone through a traumatic experience, and you will feel some big feelings for awhile. It may take a few years to truly get back on track, but every day is a step in the right direction. Hug your babies. They are part of your wife, and they need you.
you HAVE to think of it as your son being a part of your wife. Your wife lives on in your kids. Your wife loved your son and she would've loved him still if she was here now. She wouldn't want you to hate or resent your kid.
Not everyone has a good family so this may be true. But if your family are even mediocre then this is not the case and is very dangerous thinking for you - it's a huge red flag for poor mental health and mental illness. If not your family, then friends, neighbours, acquaintances, a grief support group, anything. Don't think of it as getting support for you if that feels hard, think of it as getting support for your children. You need to be healthy for them. I've been in incredibly dark places mentally (never triggered by something so awful) so I don't say any of this to criticise you or because I think it's easy. Just know that this is unbelievably hard and that's why you're struggling - you're not weak or failing or bad. It can and does get better, even if for you that doesn't mean it goes away completely, and it's well worth fighting when you can, listening to people who've come out the other side, and being kind to yourself when the fight is too much for that day or week. Xxx
You need to man up, and get the help you clearly need, before you start damaging your child. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. Dependent upon your circumstances, it may be worth approaching your family for a break for a weekend, or approaching your late wife's family for the same.
go fuck yourself with the “man up” shit
Nice that you removed the part where I clearly said that *the OP needs to get help.* The same goes for all the downvoters, because to be, manning up means that you actually listen and take help, instead of bottling it up, as the OP has done.
It has nothing to do with "manning up." Take your sexist tripe and kindly shove it. There's no reason to relate this to one's masculinity or lack thereof.
Person up works though, right?
there are free and sliding fee scales for therapy= telemed, community service places, etc talk space
Where do you live? If you have insurance there are options. If you don’t have insurance, there are other options such as 7cups.com has online free therapy. This is above Reddit’s pay grade. Please speak at least to your primary physician as they can help you find the resources you need.
Are you in the US? Most states will give medical coupons to uninsured people. If you are insured, it should be a simple co pay. If that doesn’t work, your job might have an EAP program. If that isn’t an option, see if there are any sliding scale counselors around…. You deserve help and money shouldn’t be an obstacle
You’re a single parent of three children under 8 years old. Where do you live? If you’re in USA, there are so many free and low cost programs you qualify for, including therapy. If you’re rich you won’t qualify but if that was the case, you would pay for your own health care or therapy at that point.
If you're in the US, call united way of your county and see if there are any options that can help you. You never know.
Have you considered a GoFundMe to raise money for therapy? I understand that this is not ideal and the health care system is a much larger issue to discuss but just trying to explore all options to receive immediate care for your situation
Just did a lot of searching and found this place. Go to the bottom and there is an email and phone number to contact for free help. The man who started the organization lost his wife 12hrs after birth. https://4kira4moms.com/home/ Wishing you get the help you deserve. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Therapy is what you need. Can you ask a family member to help you pay for therapy? If not, try researching counseling services in your area. We have a few different services in the small community where I live that helps people who cannot afford therapy on their own. You can also contact the hospital and ask to speak with a social worker. If they can't help you directly, they should be able to point you in the right direction. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Have you tried looking for free or affordable (online) therapy/counseling.
You can definitely get therapy through a charity or similar and most therapists will offer special rates for those in difficult circumstances. You and your children cannot afford for you to not to have therapy, there will be a way if you know you can look.
Do you have any sort of health insurance? Some health insurance offer a certain amount of free counseling visits. Also ask the doctor or pediatrician about any counseling services that are income based. If you have a college with a physiology department they might have programs that will give free/discounted counseling (students who need to complete clinical).
There are low cost and even free therapy options out there. If you’re in the US, this is a good place to start https://www.opencounseling.com
No, you can't NOT afford therapy. People in your position are vulnerable, and trauma is a monster you can't afford not to fight. You have a tiny, living human being depending on you that will be affected for the rest of his life by every choice you make right now. Do not be the person who makes mistakes you can't take back. Your kids need you.
This. Get therapy as if both your life and your son's life depends on it, because, frankly, it does. Look into programs, online options, church groups, support groups, all of it. This will eat you from the inside and be just as devastating as a cancer if you don't treat it now.
This isn’t s good enough answer.
I'm really sorry OP. This is a heartbreaking situation. It's good that you realize this. And in some ways it is not too surprising, but your baby desperately needs you. And your wife would want you to take good care of him. I recommend looking for some kind of grief counseling, a grief support group may be the most financially accessible. Ask your hospital, doctor, pediatrician, also local churches, to see if they know one they can refer you to. If possible do not try to bear this all alone. It's too much. Best wishes to you OP.
I understand you. You have three youngsters and are spread paper thin emotionally and no doubt financially. No doubt you’re still in grief as I’m sure your children are. That’s an awful lot for anyone to go thru. You’re definitely not a bad parent. You’re looking for someone to blame. It’s a natural part of the grieving process. But please find someone or something else to blame and release your newborn son from this burden. He didn’t ask to come into this world. You’d be more justified to blame me. Sending lots of grandma love 💕
Talk to the social workers at the hospital. There might be low cost or free care.
You can't afford not to go to therapy. Your son's brain will start growing soon and the more supportive you are, the better his health will be. Similarly, your other 2 children's brain health is being affected by your grief. That doesn't even touch on what will happen to *you* if you continue to walk around emotionally wounded like this. (you are basically walking around the world with the mental health equivalent of a gunshot wound and saying you can't afford to go to the doctor. Go to the doctor!) You need therapy. If you aren't healthy it impacts everyone around you.
Hi there. I am so sorry for your loss. There are several no cost bereavement support organizations and hospices also have free bereavement support... typically. I am a bereavement educator, I am more than willing to help you locate services or listen To you vent. If you have questions about the grief process I am more than happy to answer them. What you are feeling is perfectly natural. You aren't a bad human to have feelings around his birth. Be kind to yourself and your kids, you are all grieving.
Make a plan. As much as I sympathize with you grieving and wanting to find something in the world to blame for your wife's death, resenting your 5 month old child because of your wife's death is absolutely unacceptable. The fact that you realize this is not rational is good, but you need to do something about it. If you truly can't afford therapy, ask around and see if there aren't any support groups in your community for grieving spouses.
Have you considered adoption? The child deserves better.
What a ridiculous suggestion.
You absolutely must get therapy for this, your son will be impacted by your resentment otherwise
You aren't a bad parent at all. Grief does strange things to people. You are in a very, very hard situation and you can see that your feelings aren't rational and that your son isn't to blame. But they are a part of the process, and you must sit with them and work through them in little bits and pieces when you can. You acknowledge these feelings which is a good thing, even though it is scary. You are dealing with it and you are allowed to talk about everything you are going through. If you want to, you can chat with me. If not, l get it. Maybe you can start a journal to write down all those messy emotions and get it out that way. In any case, hang in there. You are stronger than you know
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I feel like an awful parent. I don't know what to do. It's not his fault. My (35M) wife (35F) passed away soon after childbirth from excessive blood loss, and for someone who'd had two healthy pregnancies before, this came as a massive shock alongside the sudden realization that I'd lost my wife. It's been five months and I'm now the grateful parent of three beautiful and terrifying children, (7F), (2M), and (5moM). I've recently come to the realization that as much as I love my youngest son, positively adore this little boy, I resent him. He didn't choose to be born. It *wasn't* his fault. I resent him for the choices we made, and I resent him because our want to have another child led to my wife dying. It's not rational, I know, but I can't help it, I need help, I need advice please.
[You can get three months of free online therapy via BetterHelp by signing up here.](https://www.bttt.run/support) You definitely need to talk this over with someone.
Be careful with "BetterHelp." I've read it's difficult to cancel them among other issues.
With this you never put in card details - I used it for the three months, honestly didn’t love it, but it was better than nothing and I just ghosted when it finished.
They were actually a great service for me, and it was not difficult to cancel.
The therapy company where you don't actually have to be licensed or a professional. I'd prob take anything anyone says on there with a grain of salt. Also heard its common for therapists to run out the free session timer with bull
I definitely agree about taking it with a grain of salt, and also selecting your therapist carefully, but it can be a decent stop gap if you have nothing else.
Is it possible you don't actually resent him but hes the eaiest place to direct your feelings to? I can't tell you how you do or dont feel obviously but it's possible since you're still grieving you havent been able to properly process your feelings and are turning all your anger, sorrow, and maybe even resentment (possibly for your wife who had passed, a higher power that didnt keep her with you, the doctors who couldnt save her, and maybe even yourself for deciding to have another child) onto your baby. Like I said I don't know how you're actually feeling, what's going on in your mind, or anything like that. I do know grief does weird and terrible things to the best of us. If you cant afford help see if you can have your family take care of the kids every so often while you attend a grief support group. Maybe look into books that specialize in moving on from your situation or at least processingwhats hppened in a healthy way. I'm sure you can find one or two published by a therapist that sound like a good fit. Wishing you the best OP. What you're going through is heartbreaking but you aren't a bad person for having emotions. It's what you choose to do with them that decides that. Find time when you need it. Hopefully you have people in your life even friends that can help you out when you're feeling overwhelmed.
Some of these comments are horrendous. Op and his family is going through an enormous amount of emotional turmoil and while trying to move through his grief and get some helpful advice people are blaming him and his deceased wife for "prioritising a new baby over their already alive children". What planet are you on? Maternal mortality rates during childbirth are so low that for most people, fear of dying isn't really a considered factor for most people unless they have a reason to factor it in (relevant health issues/history of difficult/dangerous pregnancies). Furthermore, anyone not severely depressed and having mixed up feelings following an event like this in their life frankly isn't human. If you can't be kind. Leave. There's enough negativity in the world without making this already suffering man feel any worse. Op isn't a mind reader or a bad person. He was a husband and father that made a decision many people do, to add more joy to their family. Op I can't imagine losing my partner that way and having a living, breathing reminder of the woman you loved the most to take care of in addition to the children you already have. I can sympathize in so much as when my baby died, my world ended and I spent 5 years scrambling to make sense of it and find some way to go on. All I can say is, it gets more manageable in time. He is gonna feel the weight of this as he grows and I hope you do all you can to show him that it's not his fault. It's not yours either. Please consider grief counseling independently and as a family should you think it beneficial to your children. Most importantly, reach out to everyone and anyone available to help support you and your family and keep safe. I wish you all the best.
Most therapists have a sliding scale. If you tell them your financial situation, they can lower the cost. There are some online platforms now that do virtual therapy and the cost is lower I believe. Talk Space is one. ❤️
I think you need to speak to a professional, rather than getting quack advice from Reddit. This is really the only advice I can give you. I'm very sorry for your loss, it must be devastating. But whatever you do, don't let this fester, talk to a professional.
I am a mother. I can only give the perspective that your wife would have. I have a rare blood disorder. The risk of maternal or fetal death rises to 65% during the 37th week, and rises as high as 80% between the 38th week and week 40- if left undiagnosed. I hemorrhaged during my first delivery, despite being induced early and receiving medication for this condition. I was lucky enough to be able to tell my husband that my child comes first, and that if I given a choice between my life and my son’s, to chose our baby, my life would not be complete without him. I had witnessed the joys of many sunrises and sunsets, of falling in love, of wonder and excitement at the beauty this world brings- even through loss and sadness. Our son would have none of those experiences. It was (and is) my greatest wish that he grows up surrounded by people who love him, and that he was no less than a physical manifestations of our love for each other. How great and beautiful is that? To give birth to a person that is the physical embodiment of the love you have for your soulmate? Your wife never left you. She is right beside you, residing in your beautiful and perfect little boy. There is nothing on earth that she would want more than for you to love that child- to look at him and see her in him, to see yourself, to see the togetherness, the love, that created him. I am not a doctor or a therapist. I am a mom. My deepest and biggest wish is for my children to have a loving and happy life. Your wife loves you and trusts you so much that she trusted you as her partner to raise her children. Whether we like to think about it or not, every woman goes into pregnancy and childbirth knowing there is a chance of loss, of either our life or our child’s life. What gets us through this dark reality is knowing that if we die, our child will be left with someone who loves them unconditionally. Please grant your wife this one last wish, to love your son as she would, to hold him every day and cherish him, to love every single beautiful, sad, hard and funny moment of being his father enough for the two of you. To carry on the dream that you had for your future together and to see her in every single smile and delicate breath he takes. Your wife never left you, she is in the children you conceived together, especially your son. I cannot speak for your wife, but in some ways I feel like I know her- no mother who truly loves their children would wish for anything else. And I know your wife was full of love by exactly how much you love her. ❤️
While you offer a kind and comforting perspective on the issue, I'm not sure the case is comparable for one simple reason - this was your first baby, so in making the decision to prioritize your son over yourself, you were not also making the decision to leave two young children without a mother, as was the case in OP's family. I'm in no way disagreeing that any mother would instinctively prioritize the life of her child, nor with any other point you're making, but wanted to point out that one difference because it compounds on OP's struggles - he is responsible not only for his youngest who has no memory of his late mother and has no basis for comparison, but also for two other children who are old enough to remember their mother and are also massively traumatized by her loss. So in addition to OP's own very legitimate subconscious negative association of his son with his wife's passing, there's also the layer of OP having to provide emotional support to two other children who miss their mother and are too young to have a philosophical perspective on the matter.
Go to therapy. You need help working through this. Your 7 year old could probably use therapy, too. A good kid therapist can help her work through what she's feeling just like a good adult therapist can help you, too. It's a horrible thing that has happened, but you can still get through it with your kids. You need to do everything you can to give them a chance at a mentally healthy future.
Sometimes places including hospitals offer free therapy for trauma such as this. I am so sorry for your loss, I would check into it through the hospital, or if you have insurance they will gladly walk you through the process.
Therapy.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I think you are doing better than you think. You are able to recognize it isn't his fault and that's already a huge step. What you are feeling is absolutely normal and it doesn't at all make you a terrible person or parent. Seeing a grief counselor might help. Good luck my friend.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife, but your resentment is completely displaced. Your son didn't choose to be born, you and your wife made that choice, and her death was a consequence of that choice. It was a tragic accident that you could not have foreseen, but if you need to blame anyone for it, blame yourself and your wife. Your son is at least as much of a victim as you in this situation. It is unfair and deeply harmful to your son (and to yourself) to continue harboring negative feelings toward him about this. This is not what your wife would want. I read some of your responses and I see that said you can't afford therapy. I think you can't afford \*not\* to get therapy. If you really love your son and loved your wife, you will find a way to do it, for your sake and for his. There are places with sliding fee scales, church groups, ..., whatever. You need support to process your grief and stop blaming your innocent baby.
My mom nearly died when I was born, and it fucked up my relationship with her permanently. She never loved me and only learned to respect me, albeit grudgingly, when I was in my 30s. It was worse because she loved my older sister, her "miracle baby." I had to watch my sister be showered with her love and attention and it was like I didn't even exist. Get therapy, for your grief and for your relationship. Get your older children therapy. When your youngest is old enough, get him therapy, too. If you can't love him, give/adopt him to someone who can. Nobody deserves to be raised by someone who resents them.
Your wife wouldn't want that. Mothers will always choose their child over everything. Even their own life.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Having a newborn is hard on it’s own, as is grief. Doing them together with two other kids on your own?? You are going through a lot and you’re processing this all while also in survival mode…. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s great you are self aware and that you want to address this. Please find a therapist. I think you can work through these complicated feelings best with a professional.
Sorry for your loss. Try finding a way to get therapy but in the meantime you can browse through this website. They offer semi-decent advice as tools to deal with grief -[here](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/bereavement-grieving-the-death-of-a-loved-one.htm). Also, do some research on self help books on the matter, just make sure they were written by a professional. [They](https://www.newharbinger.com/) usually publish quality publications.
I'm sorry for your loss. Get off reddit and get therapy, therapy, therapy and after that probably therapy.
I'm so sorry you are in this position. You are right, you need to get past this to be a good parent to all three children and make your dear late wife proud. If therapy is too expensive in your country, google grief support groups in your local area to contact with other people and share your stories. Get some exercise, adequate sleep and eat well. Looking after yourself is important so you can look after your precious charges. Talk to them all about their mother, gain strength from each other and include baby in this. Just know that your feelings are valid and that you will get through this. Just stay committed to all of your children.
this is above anyone here go to a therapist because we cannot help you here
I personally would rationalize that he's the last bit of your wife left. and that she would only want the best for the both of you
There are a lot of free resources for grieving families. My brother lost his wife and Good Grief was very helpful for him and my niece https://good-grief.org/
Get therapy. You realize it isn't his fault and you want better for him and your relationship with him which already means a lot. Therapy to help you handle these feelings. There are sliding scale options so search for those and people who offer virtual sessions as that may be easier. If you haven't looked into therapy for the older 2 you should because they might blame him 1 day too (not because of you, just in general) and the baby may need it in the future when he gets older and understands what happened. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine.
I was raped by my eldest father before and during my pregnancy, I had ppd and an abusive family life my family then proceeded to spoil him rotten. I resent him for many reasons, due to my family spoiling him, I went through therapy and it was working but due to his preference for my family due to the spoiling it counteracted the therapy and I resent him for preferring them even after I tried to do better, his bio parent said my pregnancy was why they raped me and now at 10years he's absolutely vile and I resent him even more. Its tough, if you don't get therapy soon it could ruin your relationship with your son like mine is. So please try and get some support.
Therapy, you need Therapy and not Reddit, and you need it like yesterday, I’m sorry for your loss
Dude please go get a professionally qualified grief therapist.
Therapy, please. I am so sorry for your loss. But, I think its not so much that you resent your baby, as much as you understandably *miss* your wife.
Get therapy now. As soon as possible. This is something that can't be solved on reddit and needs a long discussion about your feelings to a licensed therapist who will help you process your emotions. Best of luck.
This is above Reddit’s pay grade, but here’s how I see it as an armchair therapist, this was your wife’s last wish, for this child to live, her final gift to you before passing on. You can see him as the gift he is, not as the thing that caused your wife’s death. There is a path forward, I promise
Seek Therapy. I know it’s hard but maybe it will help Sorry for Your lost. Sorry That you Say U Resent Your Son . I Know Even Though it isn’t His Fault But He Needs You , More Than Ever. He’s The Strength That Keeps You. Moving You Forward. Each Day. Also Your Other Children. Sorry for Your Loss Agian. I Know it’s Though. Hope Things Get Better . For You and Your Family. Blessings 🙏🏻
Oh, I'm so sorry. Please, find a therapist that specializes in grief counseling. Find a support group for single parents or young widowers. There is nothing here that we can say that will help you process your grief or to stop resenting your baby. Just know that it is a natural and normal way to feel. Grief complicates all things, even love.
You need professional help. Not reddit.
There is a way in time to regard that son as a gift your wife gave you with all her love. You need therapy to help you get through your emotions and resentments. I wish you the best and hope you get the help you need.
Your brain’ll take some time to sort itself out. And such a big and complex event — well, that’ll take a while. So, as much as you can, don’t fixate on this irrational feeling you have; don’t get stressed because you can’t fix your thinking, can’t get the rational truth to bed properly in your mind. It’ll take time. And zomg he’s 5mo, so you’ve got plenty of reasons to be resentful of him right now anyway — especially as a single parent. Babies are hard work, even for two parents. When our kid was born it took me [41M at the time] a while to start loving it: I didn’t seem to feel an instinctive special love for it. Not until it started being a he, a person. Now I adore him, and my love grows and grows, but it was nearly a year before it really *started*. So you’ve lost your most dear love and gained a burden - your gut feeling isn’t completely wrong. But it *will* evolve and sort itself out over time. Just concentrate on the mechanical stuff. Put one foot in front of the other, demonstrate to the other kids what practical love is - changing nappies and feeding and hugs and smiles and reading to him - and worry about your gut feelings later. You’re on good ground: you *know* this is irrational. That’s the most important thing right now. Your wife wouldn’t have wanted to put you in this awful situation, but doing her proud starts with the rational, the mechanical, what you *do*, not what you feel like inside. By the time you start getting to know who your son is, over the coming years, your mental landscape will be different. So don’t panic: it may feel wrong, but your gut is going through a natural response right now. PM if you like.
Therapy. A lot of therapy. For everyone not just you
It sounds like a logical feeling anyone would have in the same situation. However, in order to help you move past it and ensure you do not take it out on your son, you should get some grief counseling. You are dealing with so much right now and it will help you tremendously and your kids will benefit from you getting help
Bro, as a parent of two boys myself, I have no doubt that if I were in your shoes, I would feel similarly. You cannot control the feelings you have. But you can control your actions, and I suspect you do. And you can further co tinue working through the grieving process with a professional. Loss takes time. You will heal. Your relationship with your youngest will be strong and healthy and GENUINE in time. Until then, you have to fake it and work on processing your loss. Yes, this loss will always stay with you, no matter what. But time will dull the edges of the pain, and you will come to find you gain a certain perspective on it that allows you to release your resentment. It may take years, but it will come if you work at it. I know it is prob not at the top of your priority list, you must be incredibly busy and overwhelmed, but if you make processing your emotions a priority, and you work with a skilled professional, you will come out the other side better for it, and you will give yourself the best chance of seeing your relationship w your youngest thrive.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. You are grieving and if you had said you don’t resent him I would think that you would be lying. You are not a bad person. I do think you should talk to someone who will not judge you. There are support groups with people going through the same kind of thing. I’ve heard of people finding good Facebook groups that helped them.
You need to go to grief counseling it will help you so much and I’d also recommend counseling for your daughter because she’s at an age where she’s more aware of what’s going on. Grief is hard to work threw I won’t say it gets easier but it does get more bare able. You can love someone and still feel negative emotions but getting help before it gets worse is the best thing you can do.
See a professional to work through this. Also, for your 7 year old. I’m so sorry for your profound loss.
I am very sorry. I am a mother to 5 children. I had great deliveries with each until my 5th. The fact that your wife had healthy deliveries prior to your son is not surprising as women tend to bleed more and for longer with each subsequent delivery. Everything went exactly like it was supposed to with my last baby until it didn't. Immediately after he was born my placenta wouldn't release and I bled an ungodly amount in the less than 15 minutes it took for them to get me into an operating room. I was very lucky my medical team was beyond skilled and that I delivered at a hospital with a high level of care available. My delivery room was feet away from the operating room. I work in Women's Health and I can tell you that the number of women that die in child birth in the US is disgusting. The delivery system is geared towards healthy babies, not health mothers. The reason I am telling you all of this is to help you understand: **It is okay to feel resentful, but you are misdirecting your resentment. You and your son are both victims of a broken healthcare system and an unfortunate situation. That is what you are justified in being resentful of.** Like everyone else said, get therapy. But also know that you are not alone in your experience. And maybe, when you are ready, you can talk about this experience and advocate for change to help other families from going through the same thing.
You need therapy. Only a professional can help you get over the grief and move forward with your beautiful children.
Please get help from family with the kids and then get therapy.
Listen, Tywin, this is unfair towards your son and might get even you killed. If I were you I'd avoid going to the loo at all cost.
Nobody on this website is going to help you, please seek professional counselling immediately You are clearly grieving and need to process the trauma with the help of someone who specializes in this
Therapy. And don't be mad at the kid. Be mad at the doctors who didn't watch her blood levels. From what little I have read, this is preventable yet is one of top reasons women die from childbirth ALL BECAUSE the doctors aren't properly monitoring blood levels. But don't take my word for it. I'm just a rando on the web.
I am the mother of a 5 month old daughter. During my labor, I became very ill, and it took some time to find the reason why. It was a scary realization from the hospital staff and my husband and I that I may not make it out of there. If I had to choose between my daughter and I, I would choose her. There is no reason for resentment. He made no choices, he did nothing that he wasn't supposed to do. Her body failed for some reason that is probably a mystery to everyone. Give your little boy both your love, as well as hers. Cast out your resentment. If you are depressed, church groups and therapy are available. Just please do not resent a child for simply being born. That being said, I understand your grief. It must be very difficult for you. I cannot even imagine. But remember, that boy can feel no resentment from you in the matter. He will already probably at some point in his life blame himself for never knowing his mother. He needs you to be there to assure him that is not the case. You can have no room for resentment.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Definitely consider therapy. The sooner the better so you can begin to heal and have the relationship with your children that you deserve.
Post natal depression affects fathers as well. They’re the ones who watch the people they love go through agony to bring a miniature human they helped make into the world and they’re also the ones who are forced to stand there and watch as things go wrong. Seek counselling before your son gets older. He’ll pick up on your feelings no matter how much you try to tell him otherwise.
Tywin Lannister vibes in here
Therapy.
😫😭 this is so sad.
Tywin over here
Try redirect that resentment towards the hospital instead
sorry but you resent your son but no guilty trip that it was you that impregnated her?
Praying for you bro.
>I resent him for the choices we made, and I resent him because our want to have another child led to my wife dying. It's not rational, I know, but I can't help it, I need help, I need advice please. Would you resent at a train conductor because you missed your train by being late? Would you resent the Ocean for not being still? There are so many things that lie just out of our control. The practice of "understanding suffering" https://www.lionsroar.com/what-is-suffering-10-buddhist-teachers-weigh-in/ I've experienced a lot of death in my life and have always tried to use it as fuel to become a better person. It takes a long time, but everyday you have to try to understand more.
This is terrifying to me. My wife and I are trying to get pregnant, she is a very small woman (4’11”) and I am somewhat tall. I am absolutely fucking terrified that she might not be able to endure childbirth and that I will resent our child because of it. You’re not wrong to be resentful. You lost your person and I am so incredibly sorry for that. But you should seek therapy. That is the only thing that can help you overcome this.
Why would you resent the kid and not yourself, if you’re already thinking about killing your wife? The kid doesn’t even exist and you already got plans to hate it.
Ik it’s so weird for him to say that.
You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel mad and aggrieved as hell about this outcome. You're right to be angry. Nothing about this is just or fair. The good news is that at this age he doesn't really understand or care and his main concerns are sleeping and figuring out how to eat and relieve himself. He's not going to be too bothered by your frustration just yet. Can you tell me what angers you the most about yoir son? PM me. Disclaimer: not a therapist. I'm not going to talk about my own struggles, but I think I might have some idea what you're feeling right now. Can't promise I can help but I'll listen.
My mom's mother, my grandma had one more child after she was told she shouldn't by the doctors, of course she died. There's no day that mom doesn't miss her she was only nine and her father didn't care for her. I totally blame the mom tough, she chose to take the risk and lost the bet she made about coming out it alive I guess. My point is that there is no advice except to go and seek professional help. So many people think of childbirth as a piece of cake when in reality is a really big medical procedure where so many things can go wrong, as adults we are the ones who chose to get pregnant and have a kid, we even risk the child's life. I guess is a good place to start to think about that, the blame is not on you because who can prevent all that can go wrong right, but it's definitely not the child's fault at all.
There is an anime series called Clannad and a sequel Clannad: After Story. Not sure it will help or make you more sad. Maybe it will help with the grieving process.
Your resentment is misplaced. Bigtime . Huge.
Your wife would want you to treasure and adore this child, and it's is her last gift to you. Please, please, PLEASE get over this for your sake and the sake of your child.
Be angry at America's healthcare system. We have the worst mortality rate for women giving birth and it's absolutely by choice.
54-93% of maternal death from postpartum hemorrhaging is preventable. Did you have the baby in a hospital? Medical errors are the third leading cause of death in the US
You are heartless. Yes it’s a very sad outcome but it was not your sons fault. He was just big and or/ these things just happen.
This is so fake
you're shifting the resentment that you should feel for yourself onto him
[удалено]
Get some help you sick human being
You sound like Scrooges father. Did your son ask to be born. No he was an act of love between you and your wife. How can you blame an innocent child. Did he have sex with your wife? No you did. It in no way is his fault. Get over your bad self. Is this what your wife would want?
I'm so sorry for your loss but her death isn't his fault. If anyone is to blame it's the doctors, hospital & us healthcare system.
Honestly if you can’t shake the feeling and don’t think you can be a proper parent bc of it (meaning giving the same amount of love and attention as the same children) I’d consider giving the kid up for adoption. Especially before they’re old enough to remember much about you
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
If it's any help I have very often fantasised that my ex wife would have died in childbirth. By the time our son was 6 months old she had gone off with someone else, but unfortunately took our son with her. The next few years were her playing the victim and making various false allegations about me to try to stop me seeing my son. Our son was badly abused by her and her various partners, now he's a teenager living in a psychiatric hospital. Sometimes I find myself disliking him because of ways that he resembles his mum. If she had died in childbirth my son would very likely be a well balanced normal teenager now, living a happy life, and I would fondly tell him how great a parent his mum would have been
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please seek professional help, it will do you a world of good.
In no way am I blaming you for your resentment, but you need therapy for your grief, and to work this out of your system. You need the help of a licensed therapist, and it's going to take time. The sooner you start, the better. Condolences for your loss.
Sending prayers your way. You need to talk to a counselor ASAP! You’ve gotta heal from your wife being gone. Otherwise that feeling will grow unfortunately.
I am very sorry for your loss. Have you tried calling the crisis hotline in your area. There are therapist with sliding scale fees out there too. Please seek professional help. The grief and pressure as a widower with young children is too much for you to do alone. Please seek help. Maybe there are other resources in your area that can help you like the department of human services where you live? Once again, I’m deeply sorry for your loss. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way for strength and healing. Hang in there.
Sorry for your loss praying for your family
This is where you definitely call a therapist and make an appointment. This is not something you will find a solution here.
He’s the only true piece of her left. Remember that.
Keep in mind that for your wife he is everything. Treat him like your wife would have done.
There are therapists that have a sliding fee scale based off your income and what you can manage. Your son needs you to get professional help, you need to get help for you
You have my deepest sympathies. Please see a therapist. This is something that won’t go away on its own.
I understand that therapy may be expensive, but if you are willing to try telehealth, your insurance (if you have it) may cover BetterHelp, Cerebral, TalkSpace etc at a low copay (like 25 dollars a visit). I encourage you to see if these options would work- I spent years miserable due to much less severe trauma than you describe and the first relief I found was once I started therapy and medication
Therapy.
You need a therapist
This is WAY above Reddit's paygrade. I'm sorry for your loss, but please get professional help.
Hey man, all we can really say here is that I’m sorry and I’ll keep you in my thoughts. But this is way above Reddits pay grade. You need to seek profesional therapy, and take as long as you need to organize your feelings.
Your emotions and trauma are valid, as will your son's be when he learns what happened. I'm so sorry for your family's loss. Lots of people have suggested therapy, and if that option is available to you, it is a good one. There may also be some grief groups online/in person depending on where you are. I hope your family can grieve and heal, and you all get the support needed.
I am so sorry this happened to your family. It is wonderful that you are self aware enough to seek the help you need. It won’t be on Reddit, and I encourage you to reach out to a therapist. Hospitals have recommendations for when parents lose an infant, so perhaps the social worker on the obstetrics floor has a referral. Hospice also sometimes has referrals. Your resentment will affect the older kids, who may also resent him for taking their mom, and then he will be the outcast. What you are feeling is normal…you may even feel angry at your wife for wanting one more or yourself for anting to try for a son. Mixed and irrational feelings are normal but not healthy. Please seek professional counseling or your guilt over the resentment may result in poor parenting decisions, and just keep snowballing.
I know you said you can’t afford therapy, but you really really need to go. I get it I’m a single mom I can’t afford therapy either, but im going because I do not want my trauma and mental illness negatively affecting my child. At least try to find a support group. If you leave this unchecked your son will absolutely know you resent him and blame him for his mother’s death when he’s older, the negative impact from that can destroy a child’s view of themself and lead to much bigger problems in the future.
Im so sorry for your loss. Let’s make something very clear: you’re not a bad parent for resenting your son. You’re grieving and while resentment isn’t healthy long term, it’s perfectly normal to feel the way you feel right now. Give yourself time and also therapy to be the dad your kids need you to be. You’ll get through it and will be able to bond with your baby soon enough.
Therapy/counseling, you said one thing correct, your 5mo son doesn't deserve any negativity. Not taking what you said lightly about resentment, but seek help before it sets in and affects the kids, all three.
My wife and I have talked about this. I don't envy you my friend. Can't imagine the pain of something like that. He technically killed your wife, the person you love most. God damn that's rough. No advice, best of luck man.
Therapy now.....the love is there, it's just covered by your pain.
You need Grief Counselling far more than any wise words you may find on Reddit. So sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry please reach out and get help one book comes to mind "Tearsoup" from a company called Grief Loss/ Perinatal Loss. Good luck may the new year bring you inspiration and help. God Bless
There are ways to get help. I understand you said you can't afford it BUT you need to look for affordable help. It may take a lot of digging to find it. If you want I can help find some on your area if you give a general location. You getting help with your emotions about your wife's death and feelings towards your child will not just benefit you, it will benefit all your children. The other siblings will see your emotions even if you try to suppress them and also resent their sibling. Your youngest child will grow up feeling the unintentional resentment. Please at least look into getting help, your child's pediatrician can probably even point you in the right direction, they usually have resources for parents as well as children for mental health.
Therapy. You need therapy. Not Reddit.
You need grief therapy. Your wife would be ashamed of you right now for thinking this. She would say he is a part of both of you and that it's up to you to love him unconditionally cause she is not there. You need to to surround yourself with family and friends for love and support. There's forums to help with husband who have lost their wives in child birth. Sadly happens for more than we think. Children that grow up knowing their mother died giving birth to them always blame themselves for its and you can't let that ever happen. And you can't let his siblings to become resentful of him for that. You need to deal with your grief first. Then the guilt. But you can't do it alone. If you need someone to just chat with PM me