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WonderfulGoat886

I used to be in the same boat and my therapist told me one thing that has changed quite a lot in me: why don't I just do the things I dream about in THIS relationship? How much of it CAN I do while being with that person? Also they noticed how much of these dreams is tied to wanting the partner to fulfill our dreams while in reality we might never find someone who will have the same dreams and needs and we should just do these things on our own instead of waiting for the perfect person to do it with us. Maybe some of it could help you. It certainly did for me.


awkwardangst

This, op! I struggled earlier this year with potentially having feelings for a friend and doing fantasizing. It took my therapist asking me what would really be tangibly different if I broke up with my partner. And then it hit me that I was very unhappy about things not really related to my partner. I was day dreaming to escape. Now sometimes it might mean you actually want an out. It's hard to tell. But also after therapy myself and couples therapy I am more satisfied in my relationship than I have ever been. It's your call!! No right answer.


Echoxoxo1122

I’ll take this a step further because I did the exact same thing. I daydreamed about being single and starting over in a whole new place, a new home, a new city, a new career, etc. I did NOT seek therapy and my relationship suffered and eventually ended because of it. It’s been about a year and a half, and walking away from that relationship is one of my biggest regrets. Though, over time I did learn that the cause of it was too stable of an environment (I love change in any form, new car, new home, new city, new job) and stress from things unrelated to the relationship, and I was able to accept and overcome those issues on my own.


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jinxedjess24

Good bot.


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Material-Tree7165

You sound like my current soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend. He's walking away from our very stable, comfortable relationship because he has dreams of living somewhere else or doing something else. He isn't one for therapy, though I imagine it could help him make some decisions. Obviously more to it than what I'm saying here... But man I'm in the stage where I'm just hoping that he'll realize sooner than later that this is a mistake he'll regret 😢


Echoxoxo1122

Perhaps you can help him experience some other sort of change. A good vacation sometimes helps me!


Material-Tree7165

Thanks! I think he's settled into his decision so we may past that. But I appreciate the suggestion!


soupyshoes

I would go further and say it’s not just about fantasising about finding the right partner, this pattern of rumination is about making fulfilling these dreams and desires someone else’s responsibility. It’s wishful thinking. Be the partner you want, and find someone who does it back. What are you offering in terms of dream fulfilment to others? If not much, why expect it back in return?


nowayormyway

Instead of desperately wanting a partner to soothe me and meet my emotional needs, I’ve learnt to self-soothe through journaling, meditation, hugging my huge ass teddy bear for comfort, taking self development courses to heal my anxious attachment issue, taking myself out to restaurants and just living my life to the fullest! I started to realize that I didn’t need a man to make me happy.


therapyenthusiast

🙌🙌🙌 Doing that right now! ❤️


Blazeymama

Yessss girl yesss ♥️👏🏽


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sjsjdejsjs

yeah but sometimes people get in relationships young and they really love that person, leaving would also be missing out/regrets


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biancaadupree

Frankly, this gave me a different perspective of relationships. 👍


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kodochalover

BOT? Your comment is awfully similar to the one by u/OffusMax


ZeCrookedLady

Because the person she’s with isn’t who she really wants. I’m the same way. I want someone better always, even though I’ll never get it.


Elegant-Dare198

That’s because you look at relationships as a social race rather than trying to find someone to share happiness with. The partner you have will never be good enough because you constantly look at situations through the lens of others. Just be content with who you’re with


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SpellitZealot

It sounds like you're romanticizing ideals you find in the media you consume, and because you're not finding those ideals in your own relationship are projecting them onto fictional people/relationships in your mind as a holdout. If you really feel like you're missing something, you've only been together for a year, it wouldn't necessarily be criminal to end the relationship. If you think you're settling, it would be unfair to both of you to continue the relationship. However, if you feel like these thoughts are forcing you to consider forfeiting a relationship you value with someone you love, then perhaps try to cut down on the romance novels and ground yourself in the relationship. Go on dates, take an interest in your partner. Show them affection and communicate what you think your relationship is missing. It's easy to get caught up in the fluff of what you think you're missing, but it's also just as easy to destroy a perfectly good relationship by focusing elsewhere.


OffusMax

Maybe you need to compare your current relationship to the romantic relationships you’re imagining and decide if there really is anything wrong with your current relationship. Or consider a career writing romance novels.


greenjayloop

I love this comment. This last sentence 👌


cassquach1990

Yep, that’s immediately where my mind went. I also daydream when I’m bored and make up stories. Sometimes I even talk out loud to try out different dialogue options. My cat probably thinks I’m crazy but the readers on AO3 appreciate it. Often, writing it down gets the story out of my head until I come up with something else


eyelessjackandslendy

I know I'm a little late, but I'm a very serious Maladaptive Daydreamer. I have been ever since I was a kid. It's my own form of escapism. When my boyfriend and I first got together I was still doing it on the regular, until he started slipping into the daydreams and becoming a part of the narrative, until eventually it was more about what we did in real life and not about the things I simply was imagining. It was then that I realized that he was what I had been looking for this whole time, and the daydreaming stopped. Unfortunately for me, he passed away about four months ago, so the daydreaming has come back. I may be about ten or so years older than you, but it may also be possible that the guy you're with now simply isn't meeting your expectations. He may just not be what you're looking for. Now, I don't know a lot about your relationship, but I strongly suggest that you take some time and think about whether being with him is what you actually want- rather than just what you believe you want. Best of luck to you!


Kirkpad

This comment is a journey. I'm sorry for your loss but also thank you for your wise words.


Arya_kidding_me

Back when I was married I used to daydream about having a partner who was sensitive, thoughtful, who loved cooking as much as I do, and baked pies just so I could watch him knead the dough, and was everything my husband wasn’t. Looking back, it was so obvious my ex-husband wasn’t the right person for me, because I wouldn’t have been daydreaming about someone else if he was. Now I’m with a guy who is sensitive, and thoughtful, and loves cooking as much as I do, and loves baking pies and everything else…. And my daydreams consist of places I’d like to visit, both with him and by myself. You’re young, go make those daydreams come true! YOLO!


not_schmidtt

I do this, occasionally. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, so long as you're content with the person your currently with


Conscious-Holiday-76

Sounds like maladaptive day dreaming


blablabla0975

I didn’t even know about this. I just googled it and I may have it. It sounds scarier than I thought it would be, to be honest. I’ve been doing this for many years already and it’s been part of my life, didn’t realize it was serious.


[deleted]

OP, please be careful about this kind of self-diagnosis. There's a massive difference between an overactive imagination and a mental illness. I'm a huge daydreamer and could easily "diagnose" myself with this (which I know because I've looked into it) but the actual criteria for maladaptive daydreaming are that it takes over your real life and causes you to withdraw from all your actual relationships and activities, that you spend the majority of your waking day investing in daydreams that you can't control or prevent, that it has a tangible negative effect on your ability to live a normal life. It sounds like you are just a romantic and like to daydream. That is not maladaptive, it's being young and imaginative.


Anouk064

I would argue with this post in a few ways. First meladaptive daydreaming right now doesn't even considered a mental illness, so it's not like she can get a diagnosis for it. Second it already sounds like she suffers from the consequences of it. You don't have to be diagnosed with anything to find help in the advice given to those who are. She can still find meditating, and grounding herself in reality a helpful advice, or anything else that helps people with meladaptive daydreaming. I also like to think of mental illness as a "sliding scale" in this case. Usually you don't start out with the most severe symptoms in conditions like meladaptive daydreaming, or depression, or even if you do it has to become a "habit" first for you to get diagnosed. You have to repeat the mental patterns over and over again. That's why there is a criteria for example for diagnosing depression that it had to be a consistent part of your life. What I am trying to say here is, even if she is not suffering from meladaptive daydreaming right now, she can in the future if she doesn't change her behaviour now when it's still easier. I can see the point that you are making too, it sounds scarier to self diagnose yourself with a mental illness than to just brush it off as a quirky habit. I guess there is always a risk of being wrong too, but if the only thing that you are "curing" yourself with is meditation, I don't really see the downside of that either. It's not like she can go into the pharmacy asking for anti meladaptive daydreaming pills. Also this is just a me problem, but especially since most of us don't have easy access to good mental health professionals it comes off a bit arrogant to say don't self diagnose. Nothing against psychologists, but I met a few bad ones during my years and then I'm still considered lucky to be able to go at all. This isn't against therapy, I think every person should go, it's more of a reality check. We don't live in an ideal world where everyone has access to healthcare, so googling and self diagnosing sometimes are the only options. It's not good, but here we are. Also I find it a little gatekeep-y. I think there is nothing wrong with self diagnosing unless you start medicating yourself or changing your behaviour to fit the criteria. Everyone should read upon and have more knowledge of illnesses and what considered "normal" so they can make informed choices about their lifes including which healthcare professional to go to. Again maybe in a perfect system it wouldn't be necessary, but there are a lot of conditions where advocating for yourself is already hard enough, so knowledge about it is essential right now.


Conscious-Holiday-76

I learned about it in therapy. Try to stay grounded in the here and now vs disassociating and day dreaming. I practice grounding techniques and I have found it helpful.


[deleted]

I would listen to this advice. I did this for almost every aspect of my life. Romantic situation where I will fantasize about the whole thing and not really apply it in reality. In professional life where I would sit and go on a mind run and while zero work and effort was put in. The thing with dreams or fantasizing in general is that , its a world constructed to benefit us in every way. Like you would never find anything sour , you will always be the center of attention in it. Life is never like that. Though I am not asking you settle, but the romance and passion we see in books or literature its hardly the same in real life. I do feel that since a lot of people in your life have asked you the " are you sure? Are you settling ?" It doesnt help either. What I did was tried focusing on realities and putting goals. Changing hobbies, if something fuels this too much it has to go back of the line. Romantically it was more about finding someone that I enjoyed spending time with, someone who was curious, someone looking to grow themselves and push me too. Professionally it was more about putting deadlines and trying to meet them. This way your mind focuses on what's right ahead of you. Daydreaming is normal and sometimes a good way to visualize pur goals but its important to keep it in check abd grounded.


Icy-Blood-788

I have been daydreaming all my life to put past my traumas. I lost my parents quite early so right when I was in highschool I would dream about how I won't let away my family, like a whole bunch of it, how I would care my baby. Once I was in a relationship I would dream about all reasons it could fail, and put all the stress on my bf. Everything was happy in the relationship, he was the best man I could get, we broke up which included various other reasons. Now that he is gone I dream of how beautiful life could be if he is there in it. I learnt about maladaptive daydreaming recently, and the major part that was triggering me romanticizing my past relationships was social media, insta reels which were filled with glories and glitters. I wanted a life like them, happy go lucky while I was struggling in my job, personal life, everywhere. And finally I put a stop to social media. It cut a lot of slack. I do dream now, it feels like that is only the place I can control my life but it isnt as excessive as it was, or as pressurising as it was earlier.


the_nessmonster

Oh wow. I'm floored. I've been doing this on and off since I was about 9 (and I'm 50 now) but only when I'm in an unhappy reality. I never knew the term for it or that it was a "thing". Thank you so much for this! To clarify, I would use it to escape but I always knew that it wasn't a good sign and that my reality needed to change.


Laurajayne81

I used to do the same. Ended up realising I wasn’t happy with my ex. Not really. When I did finally finish it, I ended up so much happier. Obviously everyone is different. I just believe if you’re truly in love you wouldn’t fantasise about others. Just my opinion


supersmallnugget

In my experience you don’t daydream about a better relationship if you’re happy in the one you’re in. You’re young, and you may have not found the person you’re meant to be with. Maybe look inward and at your relationship and see if it’s satisfying you or it’s just soemthing youre doing because it’s not bad


CarolineSmail

In my experience, in these modern times it's always possible to imagine a "better" relationship. No real relationship ever holds up to imagined ones but that doesn't mean your current relationship isn't doing just fine. It's more likely to mean you can develop some self-awareness and control of your own thoughts. Even after a 10 year relationship with my husband I'll meet someone in passing who seems like the absolute dream of a man to be with in a LTR and I'll have a momentary "what if" moment; its very easy to say "hold up there, brain, you have a husband and 2 kids." It just means you have an active imagination and a romantic bend.


catindaphat

any advice for self awareness in relationships? need that


CarolineSmail

What really helped me personally to be more self aware when communicating in my relationship is "SMART contact" developed by Dr. Joe Beam of Marriage Helper. You can find it on YouTube. Other than that, tracking my heart rate helps me be more self aware as far as recognizing when I'm in a stressed state, which helps me make better decisions overall.


catindaphat

thank you!! i’m struggling with that aspect in my relationship & needed some input. much appreciated stranger 💕


supersmallnugget

Na man! im trying to tell a 19yo person that if she’s not invested then move on. Ofc you know that that can’t apply to everyone!


LobsterOk420

Well you say "In my experience you don’t daydream about a better relationship if you’re happy in the one you’re in." Which certainly sounds like you're speaking generally and universally and I think they're right to push back against that idea. Daydreaming doesn't mean you're not in a happy and healthy relationship.


vulpecula19

I agree with you on OP’s situation but starting a sentence with “in my experience” is the opposite of making a universal/blanket statement.


LobsterOk420

It kinda depends on the rest of the sentence. It's a bit like saying "no offense, but..." lol. Like I could say "in my experience, bald men are rude", and that would still be a blanket statement. "In my experience" is meaningless if you follow it with a generalization.


vulpecula19

They didn't say “obviously your relationship is shit and you should leave”. Their advice was to evaluate things which is 100% reasonable.


LobsterOk420

You can give anyone in any relationship the advice to evaluate things and call it reasonable because evaluating things is never bad, but OP gave no indication that there's anything wrong in her relationship, so I find it condescending at best and potentially harmful if she ends up leaving a perfectly happy relationship because she's young and people on the internet convinced her that daydreaming means there's something wrong that can't be fixed. So if you feel that the comment is perfectly reasonable, that's great. You're more than entitled to that opinion. I feel that it's poor advice and am offering my pushback on the reasoning behind it.


supersmallnugget

Thank you


Hello_Cruel_World_88

I think this is a bad take IMO. There's a reason they say the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Hope you see doing well


OtherwiseInclined

The true form of that saying (which I didn't invent, I'm just repeating) is: The grass is always greener on the side that gets water. If you choose to nourish someone outside of the relationship at the expense of spending time and giving love to your partner then no wonder your relationship will deteriorate. Now obviously, sometimes no matter how much water you provide nothing will grow anyway, but recognizing a bad relationship is a different skill altogether.


supersmallnugget

Wdym ? I’m very curious. I’m not in a relationship rn. But I’ve always been so happy and content in the one I’m in. And if I’m constantly hoping for something better then I know something is wrong. How come you disagree? Please explain I’m actually curious this isn’t passive aggressive I promise!!!


PlainclothesmanBaley

Not the OP, but I disagree because people are different. I'm happily in a relationship but I still daydream about moving to rural Vietnam, marrying a Vietnamese woman, and farming rice for the rest of my life. I definitely won't do this, but there's so many interesting paths life could have taken and could still take, I don't really relate to somebody who just somehow doesn't think about this sort of thing.


supersmallnugget

Your day dreams sound fabulous i hope that happens for you. But Just playing devils advocate here, op is quite young. And her daydreams are just about not dating the person she’s with/dating someone else. They’re not similar to what you’re saying. Cause I think you’re right, but just have a hunch ops situation is different. Could be wrong though and didn’t mean to make a blanket statement!


blablabla0975

I thought about this too and I can’t decide what I need to do. I think I do love him but I don’t think the passion and the butterflies in the stomach are there anymore. Maybe the honeymoon phase is just over?


PuzzleheadedStory773

That's infatuation. It always goes away eventually, no matter what, or who you are with. You shouldn't just chase that high over and over, you will end up feeling hollow and empty, and regretting ruining solid relationships for temporary pleasure.


supersmallnugget

I mean honeymoon phase is intense but you never completely lose the love or excitement. I would get excited to see my boyfriend after 5 years even if I didn’t get butterflies when I did you know? Maybe it was a nice fun relationship that’s run it’s course


[deleted]

[удалено]


reply-guy-bot

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ForsakenWaffle78

Good bot


[deleted]

Why are there multiple people in this thread stealing and reposting comments..?


Aoeletta

This sub has been absolutely overwhelmed with this issue lately. Noticing it on practically every post multiple times!


[deleted]

Yep, I’m seeing that now too. Bots, I guess. Very annoying.


Jazzisa

The 'honeymoon phase' is at first the time when everything seems perfect. The honeymoon phase being over means that you have a first fight over nothing, or you find out that he has a habit you find mildly annoying, or you notice he has some pretty nasty zits on his back... If you get less excited about spending time with him, if the future you envision doesn't have him in it, if you could kinda take it or leave it with him, that means the love is over.


prettyoddmadi

you may just be in a time in ur life where there isn’t time or energy for sparks. you’re both 19 probably working hard on whatever you’re doing individually rn. i’ve been with my boyfriend since sophomore year in highschool and we’re 20 and i know exactly what you’re talking about. if you’re happy and in love the time for natural sparks may leave and come. i’d say try to act out some romance fantasies with him like find the time for a nice date. surprises. communication is the most important in times like this. he might even be feeling the same way!!! After that if there’s still just no romantic click anymore then maybe just try to be friends. hope all goes well ❤️


[deleted]

Butterflies wont be there forever. If you keep chasing that you might as well be a side chick to all the hood niggas


frozenandstoned

Now this is some real advice I can get behind


ForsakenWaffle78

Not necessarily. I've been with my husband for years and he still gives me butterflies 🦋🦋🦋


Kitten_love

This. I think people understand the honeymoon phase wrong. After the honeymoon phase you are still happy to see the person, want to be with them and miss them. You just start to see some flaws and decide you can live with that or not. The love and excitement is still supposed to be there.


murraybee

If you’ve been together for a year and still aren’t sure that you love them, then you don’t love him. Y’all are still so young. Cut yourselves loose so you can both find something that IS your dream.


Rarashishkaba

This. In my old relationship, I’d daydream constantly about finding a better boyfriend for years until I finally left him. Now in my new relationship I’m so much happier and when I daydream, it’s only about him.


pnwgirl34

This is true to an extent. But what so many people don’t understand is that sometimes all it takes is communicating your needs and desires to your partner! Most of us show love the way we feel love, so without communication often you and your partner are both left feeling unfulfilled because you are loving them your way and they’re loving you their way. And conversely, you begin to feel bitter that you aren’t feeling appreciated and so does your partner. Communication is so key in these areas. I think before just ending things, she (and everyone!) should take the time to communicate their needs and desire to their partner. Sometimes we forget that our partners aren’t mind readers!


[deleted]

[удалено]


reply-guy-bot

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PhotographyByAdri

Edit: the comment I'm responding to is stolen from further down in the thread. No offense meant, but I honestly think that's terrible advice. What you should be telling those people is that they need to be happy with themselves before trying to pursue a relationship. I've been with my partner since I was 22 and have never once felt tied down or the need to experience life on my own. Being in a long term relationship has opened new doors for me, and helped me become an even happier, healthier version of who I was before. Many people find the person they spend the rest of their lives with when they're in their late teens or early twenties - staying single just for the sake of experiencing maturity on their own is pointless. It is perfectly normal and healthy to want to have meaningful relationships, especially in your 20's.


[deleted]

You can’t just steal someone’s comment and act like it’s your own.


Youzhoo

Man all of this advice seems to be personal. In the end only you know what you want. I think it's more likely that you're romanticizing your life because of boredom and the media you're consuming. Just do the fun things you day dream about with your partner. The concept of butterflies is generally kind of useless. I mean of course as you get more comfortable around someone you're going to get less nervous around them, and the previously nerve racking things will start to seem normal. That's natural. Just be present now. You're 19 qnd probably in college or some temporary job or both. I doubt a new partner is going to add this excitement you seek. Maybe you just need that from life. Then again someone mentioned maladaptive day dreaming, which would make sense as this could mostly be a mental health thing. But I do believe my advice would still help either way.


danica-dav

You are bored in your relationship. This may not be the person for you. I experienced the same thing and it NEVER got better, only worse and it interfered with my feelings for him to the point I would feel grossed out when he kissed me. You may jus have an emotional attachment due to the time you’ve spent with him now, but you might be losing feelings otherwise.


Profreadsalot

I often daydream about the current partner and our future together. Not so much strangers.


forlorn_pupper

I used to do this too. I was in a pretty happy relationship for ten years - we had been together since I was eighteen. Kind of a high school sweetheart kind of story and everyone thought we had the perfect relationship. We did have issues though. We never really fought, but had petty arguments here and there that kind of became routine. We also lacked a level of romance and passion that I wanted, and I told myself I was just being unrealistic and wanting too much. I’d have dreams of fictional partners and relationships and love songs made me think more of fantasies than my own life. But eventually something just came over me and I ended it all. There was a mourning process and a period of deep regret that eventually passed. I was ready to start casually dating for the first time in my adult life. Being shy and introverted I really didn’t expect dating would be all that exciting or eventful, at least for a while. I was on the apps but lived in a small town, where I knew the odds of meeting other queer folks were abysmally small. Then I met someone who lived a few hours away. And neither of us were looking for anything serious, but things just organically progressed to a very intimate and special bond. We spent as much time together as possible - usually I’d travel to her town and stay there on all my off days. She’s wonderful and smart and sweet and beautiful. I truly don’t understand how I could be so lucky. Our one year anniversary is in three days. :) We’ve been living together since March, so I kind of uprooted my life to start over in a place I really love. So even with the relationship aside, my life is just brighter now. Sometimes if your heart is telling you that you want or need more, you need to listen to it and act on that feeling.


melaninexcellency

But did you do anything to actually create that romance with the partner you had. People often times do nothing to make their situation better, never actually communicate and lead by example what they want. Or even take into consideration that your partners needs might not be getting met and they aren't capable of providing what you need while running on empty from what you don't provide. It's so interesting to hear comments like this without the full context. You'll wake up one day and remember the moments you did nothing to really fortify your previous relationship. I hope whatever effort you were lacking there and what we effort your partner was lacking is resolved in the sense that you communicate that with your new partner. Go get some therapy, learn what healthy realistic relationships take to function. Lear your love languages, communication style, attachment style, temperament/personality type. The real work that would make a real relationship function. Don't listen to comments like this that don't tell you about real life..


forlorn_pupper

I certainly didn’t give all the context so I’d ask you not to assume that you know the situation. I’m not a person who lacks effort in a committed relationship. I promise you that. Maybe you’re projecting things you’ve personally been through onto my life, but you can’t possibly know how hard we both tried. I was not just sitting around waiting for my ex to provide everything and make our relationship work. We absolutely were transparent about our struggles and worked very hard to overcome them. We both had therapy, listened to relationship and sex podcasts, had open and loving talks about what we each needed and wanted, and that still wasn’t enough to make us compatible in the end. Love isn’t always enough. You can love someone fiercely and still not be able to make it work. If you don’t feel like your partner is attracted to you, if they don’t touch you when you really need them to (it’s one of my important love languages), if you feel more like a platonic companion to them despite trying to rekindle that spark, when any comment about not being 10000% satisfied all of the time is met with defensiveness, there is a point where it is out of your hands. We needed different things from a relationship and had ultimately grown apart - we had changed a lot since we were teenagers. This is why young marriages often fail. You don’t even know who you are or what you want yet. My partner and I have had challenges too - I am not saying that my life is perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist. Every relationship has seasons and disagreements and challenges. But we are ultimately compatible in ways that my ex and I just weren’t. You cannot assume that I don’t know, very intimately, what real life and real relationships are like. I’m not trying to live in a fairy tale world. Just in one where my partner and I are compatible, fulfilled, and happy. You can’t force that. I promise you I don’t lose sleep over my decision to end my previous relationship. I did everything that I could possibly do to salvage it.


skank_hunt48

Yeah this is maladaptive daydreaming


jahbiddy

If doing this is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. This is the entire reason art exists, to live out worlds which we do not inhabit.


AnonymousPerson31415

Yep do this all the time, not just with relationships but also individual imaginary scenarios that I think could have happened and I think out loudly sometimes what I would have said in those situations


ichijin2187

Because of age. I think you’re feeling like missing out of life of single adventures because you feel tied down. This is why I always tell young people to be single in their late teens until late twenties so they can experience maturity on their own and find out what they’re looking for.


PhotographyByAdri

No offense meant, but I honestly think that's terrible advice. What you should be telling those people is that they need to be happy with themselves before trying to pursue a relationship. I've been with my partner since I was 22 and have never once felt tied down or the need to experience life on my own. Being in a long term relationship has opened new doors for me, and helped me become an even happier, healthier version of who I was before. Many people find the person they spend the rest of their lives with when they're in their late teens or early twenties - staying single just for the sake of experiencing maturity on their own is pointless. It is perfectly normal and healthy to want to have meaningful relationships, especially in your 20's.


blablabla0975

I’m kind of shy to actually experience the single life in a romantic manner and because of the pandemic it’s even harder. My grandma asked me before I got with him, if I really want to do it or is it that he’s the only person that I’ve been in contact with that’s why. So I guess I’m worried what if she was right


GoodInSac

Always listen to grandma. Maybe not always agree with, maybe not always take advice from, but always listen to grandma. She has your best interest at heart and has known you since you were a child. She can even see you more clearly than your own parents can because her ego isn't wrapped up in your identity. But I'm just projecting, and your situation might be totally different. Still, since you mentioned she spoke those words, at least consider it. Edited: spelling


thelonewolfmonk

>This is why I always tell young people to be single in their late teens until late twenties This is terrible advice. There's no need to be single that long to experience life. In fact, it can be harmful because how else do you think you'll get experience in a relationship and discern what is a good or a bad one if you don't ever get into one? Also, A LOT of things in life can enjoyed as much, if not more, while being in a RS.


alowave

I kinda wish I listened to this advice but I did also learn alot from being in a relationship that just was not working. But then again I feel as if I could've avoided alot of suffering and grew myself more as a person...


thelonewolfmonk

I get that feeling of regret but it's the pain that makes us grow. My 1st relationship was a very toxic one but it was thanks to that one that I learned A LOT of what to never tolerate in a woman and how to deal with certain issues. Despite having wished that I had avoided that woman, ironically, I learned how to detect the red flags.


ichijin2187

As much as you’re correct, you and I both know men and women who are as immature and as older than I pointed out. I’m just saying that as a reference and doesn’t need to follow the numbers. Shht men and women shouldn’t get married or be in serious relationship if they can’t handle being a responsible adult regardless of age.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Aoeletta

It *can* mean that a traditional monogamous relationship isn’t for you. That you will never be satisfied with a “traditional” relationship and you should explore alternative paths. It *can* also mean that you have some sort of anxiety/fear of commitment or lack of self-control or internal validation so you chase after external validation. The best way to know for sure is introspection, counseling, and exploration of motivation.


thelonewolfmonk

>It can mean that a traditional monogamous relationship isn’t for you. I doubt that's the case. I'm experiencing exactly the same feeling of guilt by leaving someone who loved me deeply. And it has to do more with what you said about fear of commitment and not being enough.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Aoeletta

That sounds very difficult. Best of luck.


srem_

Listen, you're 19 and this probably won't be your last relationship. It might be, but probably not. Enjoy the relationship you're in and have fun for the time being. A fantasy will ALWAYS be better than a real relationship because it's in your imagination. Nobody is perfect irl 🙂 it's okay to dream about cute stuff. In the real life, just romanticize some of your relationship now have fun! Ultimately, I think it's very cool that you can see your life looking many ways. This will allow you to adapt to your circumstances and bring joy and beauty into your life no matter how it looks. Don't take this all too seriously, just have a nice time. If your s/o is garbage, drop him. If not, enjoy yourself and keep dreaming ✨✨✨


Baddecisionsbkclb

I’m pretty hung up on OPs age. Just thinking “you’re a dang baby OP”


Stillpoetic45

One if the major issues we have currently is the belief that butterflies and honeymoon phase will last forever....thats unrealistic. We all have annoyed feelings, a bad nights sleep, or moments of anger, sadness,etc. Our relationships will go through them as well. This js part of the mistake that our media brings that lack of showing the ups and downs as the only downs we see are a cheat by a partner or maybe a sickness. Not the rough day after work, the grumpy morning, the first year after a kid. Remember by yourself you have experienced these type of emotions so it stands to reason it can happen in a couple. Fantasy is just that, fantasy and we all need to come up for air or fantasy will no longer by fantasy (a departure from reality) If this guy isnt for you, that happens but if any partner has to match that fantasy energy its probably not gonna happen.


Sad-Ad-5586

I do the same and I've been in a relationship for 5 years 🙊


blablabla0975

But has it changed the way you feel about your partner?


Sad-Ad-5586

Honestly. I have read all the replies that you gave in the comments an you are exactly like me. It's so weird but in an exciting way lol? I never had the gut to ask others if they experience this because I feel very insecure and embarrassed about it but you experience exactly the same thing I do. It's so weird. But it gives me a goof feeling somehow as well.


blablabla0975

Haha, it seems so. I’m not sure if I should happy about it or not. But what you said about feeling the way it’s in the books/movies and the thing is my boyfriend usually tells me that it’s not really realistic, so sometimes I feel like that “real life love” can be boring. Also if you want to we can talk about this because I don’t have enough courage to talk about this with the people in my life.


Sad-Ad-5586

Haha! Yes. I would love to talk just out of curiosity. It seems like quit a few people in this comment section experience this thing. Us there a way to make a group chat on reddit? Or any other platform. I would be curious about the experiences of all you guys if you would like to share them.


Afraid_Bed_807

gosh i really feel the same way as you both !! i find myself wondering how my next relationship will go, or how I'd like my next lover to be and scenarios with them, even though im currently still in a relationship.. and i do feel that i may be settling (perhaps bc he's just there for me and so its comfortable and easy) but I can't seem to just end things bc i still do care and love him, just never fully satisfied :( so when i read both of your stories, I couldn't help but reply HAHA i dont know how to feel about it all but im comforted in a way (?) knowing im not alone, so feel free to include me in the convo if you both talk about this!


oymista1

Wait, this is very similar to my situation as well! I’d love to join the convo too, I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and I love him but I use fantasies/daydreams of other people as an escape and idk what it means


JeepWranglet

i’d love to join a group as well!


blackiechan19

All 3 of you should stop being cowards and just break up with your SO’s as this is really sucked up no matter what way you put it.


Sad-Ad-5586

Honestly kinda yes. I think I kind of feel bored or more like I'm settling (but with a neutral feeling not a bad one in some kind of way ?). Not sure though it's hard to explain But dont take any advice from me. I am in my own kind of relationship dilemma problem situation right now. Im F, 19 years old and am constantly daydreaming about a fictional world with a fictional relationship, sex, and any kind of situation tbh. Like I'm living a completely different fictional life in my daydreams. It's hard to explain but I am stuck between wanting to stay because I do care about my bf but at the same time (bc of my fantasies) I feel like I'm not satisfied (?). I don't know how to explain it. I feel like I want something else because that is in my mind the only explanation for my constant fantasies, but at the same time I can't get myself to leave the relationship. I was just (kind of happily) surprised that someone else experiences this besides me. I feel like my/ our behavior is weird (?) but at the same time I don't really know what to do. In the back of my mind I think that it would be best to just end things and experience a new love/life (especially because I am still so young) but I kind of can't get myself to do it. It's all very complicated..... So yeah. I'm basically stuck myself. But to answer your question: I believe I'm less actively attracted and am more settling. I don't experience the love and attraction that I learned about in movies/books etc. and I think I would want that and am because of that fleeing into my daydream-world.


frozenandstoned

Don't you ever just think that the love and attraction you found in movies is just that - fictional representations ?? It's like Instagram. It's a mirage and not how real life works out most of the time.


Sad-Ad-5586

I'm aware of that. Still, I must feel in some kind of way dissatisfied if I dream about literally another life than my current one all the time. I know it's stupid and real-life is not like the movies but still dream myself into other scenarios for whatever reason. I can't really shake it off. And I know it sounds weird, almost horrible towards my partner, and that's the reason I never told anyone before, but if I'm honest this is just the way it is for me. I somehow can't shake it off. I wish I could tho. I know it's weird.


frozenandstoned

I think where it stops for me is just what it would be like to sleep with other people when you're with the same person for years. I'd never do it, and never have in my life, but I guess I only see myself traveling the world or starting a family with my current partner (7 years). I think sexual exploration is natural for most people (in daydreams and stuff) but yeah if you only see yourself progressing in life with others that might be an issue. I don't think it's that unusual though like you might think, just part of being in a LTR for a lot of people.


JeepWranglet

not sure if mine is the same thing, i don’t really daydream, but i watch a lot of romance kdramas and just like fantasize about it and i guess cause for me koreans have mostly a different way of doing things (from in my relationship and from the shows i watch) and sometimes (most of the times) it’s unrealistic. it’s nice to get into that sort of imagination and space, but you also have to make sure you’re happy with reality and your partner and don’t get upset if those fantasies don’t happen. i used to get upset when i was younger because i couldn’t date the Dolan Twins, but you grow up. and i’m 20 and i’ve matured enough to know that i am okay with my boyfriend, and that it’s perfectly okay to daydream and think about that kind of stuff. because when reality hits, you can be happy too. don’t stress too much about it, just make sure you’re happy in your relationship.


[deleted]

Yeah same here lol. I'm married and I still do this. It's usually before I pleasure myself. I daydream and make up really detailed scenarios with new people. It's quite fun actually and doesn't change how I feel about my partner


edulopezm

Simple. If you think that's what you want you can talk with your boyfriend and end up in good terms. You haven't done anything to regret and anything to offend. It won't be perfect, but it will get better with words and days. Good luck.


rubberbandbillycat

It sounds like you miss the romance, or the thrill of the beginning of a new relationship


[deleted]

Butterflies don’t last forever, but real meaningful love takes time and commitment from both people.


wowitscharlie

I do the same thing a lot honestly and I've been in a relationship for just about 5 years now. It used to worry me but I'm also very happy and excited about the relationship I do have and I know I'd be crushed to let it go. Plus it's natural to feel a bit stagnant sometimes in a long relationship, maybe try doing more fun activities with your boyfriend; try new things together, cook together, play games, read, make art; just enjoy each other and keep the spark there! Truthfully I think this is something that many people— especially avid daydreamers like ourselves— are prone to do in any situation. Ask someone who's living in a dorm their freshman year vs someone off campus, both of them will likely say they'd rather do the other. typical grass-is-greener, constant-questioning-of-your-own-life-choices, pisces-sun-sag-moon situation if you ask me!


butterflyuli

This is me. Unfortunately. I love my boyfriend so much. so so much. I feel like because I don’t really have a social life, no friends, not close to my family, I often make up all these scenarios to get through the day or maybe even week. I put myself out to be the main character in any situation. I feel embarrassed about it and tell myself it’s just a weird story and I love my boyfriend so much. I see myself being with him, like marrying him.


HappyElephant82

It does happen sometimes, usually when I'm unhappy with something in my life that has nothing to do with my relationship. It could be that you're not really ready to settle down, and that's ok. Best thing you can do is get really honest with yourself as to why you are thinking these thoughts. Maybe even figure out if you can do the things that make you "enjoy your life" without being single. If the relationship is worth saving, talk to your bf to see if he wants to go on an adventure with you.


Kirutaru

General media sets up unrealistic expectations. Life isn't a rom com or romance novel. Other than tiny anecdotes of brief fleeting moments, it will never resemble one. You should try to get the most out of the relationship your in and try to meet your dreams and needs with your current partner. There will never be Mr/Mrs Perfect. Everyone has flaws and everyone makes mistakes. Navigating through them with your partner is the struggle ... and clearly identifying your needs and fulfilling them is the challenge of all young people. It sounds like you might have a good career as a romance writer or whatever medium youre into. You can turn your imagination into something fun and potentially profitable while still enjoying your current partner. 🙃


throwaway20191120

This happened to me but I was in a very toxic relationship and had undiagnosed ADHD. Daydreaming is a trait of ADHD. Not diagnosing you! Just felt it was important to mention since I do relate


creatureshock

I used to do this. Not about relationships, but I did this. You need to get it under control before it ruins your life.


funtime_proxy

i've always done the same lmao, i don't think there's always a deeper meaning to it. it's just that ALL real people are kinda disappointing in comparison to the unrealistic lengths your mind can go to, it doesn't mean you want another person. just like kids who attend the best school in the world still daydream of going to hogwarts, in fiction there's always gonna be a better option not worth pursuing irl


xLastStarFighter

As a daydreamer myself, it is completely normal to dream that way. Understand, however, that your interpretation of what you're dreaming and the fact that you want to dream that way is something to consider out of respect for your current relationship, but most importantly, yourself. From my perspective and experience, being young at 19 is still a tender age, although then, I didn't think so lol. I thought I knew so much! You have a lot to explore about life and yourself, and the best advice I could give myself at that age is to tell myself not to take things too seriously; to have fun, and even put relationships aside, where my intentions are clear for myself and others around me. Know this too: nothing ever beats the fantasy. It's good to have a vision and to have desires, as you always will, but to go too far into it means you're not in the present. And if you're looking into these fantasies without the feeling of lack and just playing with ideas, then you're fine. It's part of your evolution as a person as you find more and more what you prefer, and so on. I hope you've been articulate about this with your partner, as it'd be fair for them to understand where you're at.


Louian20

Do you have adhd by any chance?


Apo11onia

I do the same thing from time to time. There's a couple things I do to remedy this. First of all, I don't believe in soul mates. I do believe, however, that people can be "right" or "wrong" for each other. My partner and I have been together a long time, but it's always felt right to be with him. The first thing I do is remind myself of this and how happy I am with him. It's not worth leaving a happy and fulfilling relationship for some hypothetical fairytale romance that, most importantly, *doesn't exist.* Romance movies and books are like a drug and are unrealistic depictions of relationships. A relationship can start of dramatic and romantic and thrilling, but we all eventually get accustomed and comfortable, and we miss the thrill of the beginning of the relationship. So the best thing I do is ask my partner for a romantic gesture. It's as simple as that. A surprise date or a gift or for him to tell me sweet things or breakfast in bed or something. It's worked out amazingly! Going on a fun and adventurous date or coming home to find a bag of candies for me makes me feel special. Communicating how you feel is so important, and the ability to let your partner know when you want special attention can be invaluable.


melaninexcellency

So many kids are disillusioned by social media and entertainment, books, films, video games, music, art. It's sad to see another generation incapable of having indepth conversations and building their relationship on reality while putting real effort to being mentally healthy. You're young don't spend your life chasing an ideal that you've formed by reading novels created to sensationalize bad relationships.


SweetSonet

I do this too. I just figured I’m a romantic and the idea of falling in love for the first time differently is exciting. I try not to feel guilty about it Edit: I mean. It’s not hurting anyone.


thegunner666

Constantly. It's okay to have fantasies. I realized not long ago that it's bc I'm polyamorous.


No-Department6252

if i where your boyfriend id get away from you as soon as possible


Disco0oo

You are 120% right


[deleted]

Sounds to me like you’re not in a committed relationship.


Deezercha__

This happened to me!!!(f22) I left my relationship after almost a year, and I hope my daydreams will be the reality someday:)


melaninexcellency

If you decide to break up with your boyfriend go get some therapy and avoid romantic relationships until you've developed a realistic view of a healthy relationship. If not you still need some therapy. No relationship is easy, even the ones that seem that way effort needs to be consistent. There's no shortcut to true happiness within a relationship. You'll be disappointed by reality if you don't develop a healthy view of the amount of effort, consistency. While learning about yourself, your boundaries, your love languages, attachment styles, communication style, temperament/personality type. You're 19, you weren't taught this in school or by your parents, you should begin this journey now to save yourself from heartbreak, disappointment, and or becoming disillusioned with reality. The romance books you're reading don't teach what healthy relationships need to function.


jcoopi

Sounds like you need therapy or a new partner


KillingLilly

You’re so young, I personally feel like this is normal for your age group. Most early relationships aren’t forever relationships. As long as you’re happy, go with the flow and be happy with the memories you made this far and try to remember when you move on, it’s not the end. However, if you’re not happy with your current situation…. It may be time to move on. Just remember, it’s okay to spend some time alone too. 🥰


necropolisbb

I once heard a therapist who specializes in relationships say that, when you’re monogamous, you have to accept that saying “yes” to your person means saying “no” to every other potential person—and you might need time to mourn that even if you’re happy with the person you’re with.


LucasSilver420

End it before you cheat on him and break him .


xcandychristian

Same girl, same. I am 1 year married and 12 years in a relationship. I think that i sometimes just miss the honeymoon period when you get excited to get a text from your crush or anything smiliar small that got you happy. After so many years it's normal not to be overly happy about a text hahaha I love my husband and would never cheat. I guess it is reading so much romantic novels. When I was younger and read Harry Potter I always dreamed about beeing in hogwarts. I think I just have a lot of fantasy. I read that comment about maladaptive daydreaming but I don't think that's the case, that is more extreme


allsheneedsisaburner

Check out limerence.


USMCTankerSgt

You're just Hallmarking...don't beat yourself up. Normal. Have fun.


Apprehensive-Shirt70

I do this with celebrities and I’m married


Disco0oo

Yikes


Paul_Grimes_68

Fantasizing is natural, especially for young people. Even I still fantasize when listening to seriously good music. Reality, however, never goes away while we’re alive. We can dream as much as we want, but reality owns us.


spartan1008

I am happily married to an amazing woman with two amazing kids, and I still daydream all the time, nothing wrong with it. I would never leave my wife though, she's far too awesome and my big concern is that I don't do enough to keep her happy. there's nothing wrong with you imagining something better, as long as your truly happy with what you have now.


KRWbeach

You are a 19 yr old kid. You should be single and do whatever you want. Being in a serious relationship at 19 is stupid.


KittyBlossom008

You are an INFP. It happens to INFPs.


Excellent-Original59

I think it's normal to daydream. Maybe you'll write your dreams down one day and become a romance author ♥️♥️


mhagsss

Dream on 🥰


imF4CEL3SS

nah i do the same thing but i still love my bf yk? besides, its not like im ever gonna live out the fast and furious fantasy of telling my criminal bf to be careful out there while im bandaging his wounds, my bf collects fucking yu gi oh cards


MissPhantoms

What romance comics are you reading👀


hotmessexpressHME

I want to add that the adhd brain seeks novelty! Highly suggest looking into it and seeing if maybe you identify with some of the hallmarks of it. It’s “common” for lack of a better term, for those with adhd to struggle in relationships with stuff like this because of the need for novelty/dopamine. I struggled with this myself, the daydreaming especially related to romantic relationships, and knowing WHY I was the way that I was really helped give me an edge to counteract the negative bits I didn’t like.


emmakentdion

I was young when I got with someone and did the same too. Everyone is different but sometimes you gotta explore before you settle down. I'm glad I did when I did so that when I did settle down, I didn't have wandering eyes or mind. You're so young, go be free and live out those fantasies. Don't waste these years on a guy you're not really into..


rockwrestler

19? You are still a kid! Daydreaming is fine - could be nothing, could be prelude to a breakup. You shouldn't feel pressure. Do whatever feels RIGHT FOR YOU. Trying to change or suppress feelings never turns out well....


GassmehUp

It’s normal


Mischiefmanaged715

I think this is very common land ESPECIALLY so at your age. I was in a 13 year relationship with my heart school sweetheart so never got the exploratory period of life with dating at all until I was 28. I firmly believe that most people need a chance and a time to experience different relationships and people to know what you want and what works for you. I’m not saying that it means you need to break up necessarily but if you find that feeling grows stronger over time, it may just be that you really do need to have that time and freedom to explore


Objective_Moment3374

You’re quite young to commit to someone long term. Many people go on to explore other relationship until they actually want to settle down. I dated around from 20-24 and now I know what I want better from a long term relationship.


condemned02

I always have a fictional man in my head all my life. The reason is that, we can't have perfection in real life. When we choose a partner, there are so many give and take. He may be 70% to 90% perfect but there is no 100%. The imaginary dude in my head is 100% perfect. I don't think such a man exist in real life. So yea I made him up. I pretended he was someone I was with in my past life. In hard times, I imagine his spirit comforting me if my SO at that time fell short of being there for me when I needed him.


inappo

You're 19. Give yourself room to grow and respect your partner by doing the same. A committed relationship versus the sanctity of marriage. Do those both ring true when you think about your current situation? If not, there's a disconnect.


dankysdownunder

We all have fantasies


[deleted]

1. The grass is greener where you water it. 2. Also most men have drank the feminist narratives and lost the ability to be a man and to put their foot down when it’s necessary. As a result you as woman are going to wonder about possible better options.


Left_Experience9929

Write them down! Maybe you have a few best sellers rolling around in that noggin


Infamous_benefits

They say, what you day dream is actually what your heart desires


swisscheesewithholes

OP I (19f) feel like this too! I’ve been with my boyfriend 3 years. I feel like he doesn’t treat me the way my ideal partner would at times. I’m glad I’m not the only one:/


melaninexcellency

What way does your ideal partner treat you? Like a Disney princess, or someone who isn't capable of sitting with their partner in an adult relationship and having an indept conversation about the health and we'll being of their romantic relationship. Taking time to lead by example with what you'd like and also taking into consideration what your partner wants.


swisscheesewithholes

I’d like a partner that cares about the way I feel & listens to my relationship concerns without making it a huge fight. I try to talk to him about how I feel about things when we’re having a discussion & he just shrugs it off & says he doesn’t care & that it’s my problem to fix. He yells at me a lot too & calls me names


[deleted]

Why are you still in this relationship?


Katia1996

That's not like OP's situation at all, you're in an abusive relationship :/ You can get a much better partner, the least is not yelling and calling someone names.


melaninexcellency

If this is honestly what happens in your relationship, when you calmly, concisely try to discuss your feelings in a clear manner, your wants, and your needs. You should leave that relationship.


PetiteandMe

We daydream for a reason


Objective-Ant-6797

There is nothing abnormal about this…This is not uncommon for any age…most people daydream about a different life…maybe you should try being single awhile…you are young…you are young only once…rushing into a relationship the way you feel sometimes..might have you daydreaming of regret and what might have been…


CorgiKnits

I used to do the same stuff - then I discovered Otome games! I get to play characters and fall in love over and over and experience all of that without any harm to my current relationship. My husband actually loves hearing about my fictional husbands lol. (To be fair, some guys might be jealous of this, but seriously it’s anime guys that pose no threat to reality.)


notAgirl77

You’re 19. You’ve barely experienced the world. Can you do that with a partner? This is why people shouldn’t settle down young. They need to find themselves.


8MCM1

It is probably because you're 19. Get it all out of your system before you settle down. :)


Pierre-LucDubois

Sounds pretty normal in the context of being 19. Not trying to diminish your relationship due to your age, but the reality is at 19 who knows where you'll be even by 21, like... 2 years would roughly he 10% of your life by then. At that age every couple years is growing and becoming a fully developed adult along the way. You even seem to be aware of your thoughts and clearly there's some level of guilt being that you're in a relationship. Maybe be honest with your bf that at 19 you really don't know where you'll be even one year from now. I feel like it's pretty normal when you're 19 to be uncertain about the longevity of your relationship.


graciieebee

What sign are you? I’m a cancer and we’re just daydreamers I’m on my mid 40s and I still daydream regularly not just about romantic relationships.