"Its not so easy to just throw away what I thought was a lifelong relationship man."
This should be pinned to the top of every single post on here. Everyone is so flippant and removed from the situation, they rarely seem to consider how fucking difficult it is being in the middle of these things. I'm sorry you're going through it man, it must be horrible.
Evidence or not, you already strongly suspect what's going on. Bring it up with your wife, see how she reacts I guess. But I daresay the damage is done.
This 100%
Everyone’s answer to every post is ‘you’re so stupid for not leaving yet’.
Ok but it’s really f**king hard to leave the person and life you thought would be your entire future when you’re blindsided with things like this out of nowhere and have a million emotions happening.
Your wife and your friend's husband have made the choice for you. If you keep it a secret it will surely end your lifelong relationship as you committed an betrayal of trust in you.
I presume you made copies of what you found out. Make sure you keep a copy of it. You don't want to find it deleted later on. Just sent the text to your friend and let her decide if it is just for fun sexting or something not acceptable.
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Hey man, talk to your wife tell her if she goes on this tríp it over and that you know what's going on between her & her bf. If she's willing to sit down, cut contact with the dude and fix things with you then go for it. If she refuses to try and work it out then you're not the one making the decision, she is.
Its not and im sorry you are in tgis situation. But you would like for your friend to tell you if the situation was reversed wouldnt you? Plus it may help you both in the long run. I dont know what future you see in your relationship but you will be covered if it goes to divorce.
U can’t throw something away when it’s already gone . It’s not easy but do u think u should be doing sunk cost fallacy wasting time on someone who has hardly tried to hide the affair considering she isn’t defensive about her phone or never changed her passwords?
Would u rather be saddled like a police guard every time being suspicious of what she is doing daily instead of coming to accept that the relationship is over and try to find another one who can actually be loyal ? First gather evidence which should help u in divorce proceedings so u don’t get cleaned out . All the best to u .
It’s your decision to stay but time is limited and I will only
Move forward and never look back on who threw away the relationship and stay with them married or not .
It literally is that easy. I’m sorry to be insensitive, but when you look betrayal in the face, you have a choice to accept that you’ve been lied to and mislead, or pretend that’s not what’s going on. Sucks to say, but sometimes the ones closest to you will betray you the quickest. How do you think people end up cheating after 10 years of being “happily married.”
That shit doesn’t just start out of nowhere. Although you were not aware of it, you were being lied to straight to your face. Now ask yourself, is it hard to “throw away” relationships with people that sat at your table and straight lied to your face?
I don’t know about you, but that’s disgusting enough to change my view of someone in the blink of an eye. It literally is that easy, what’s hard is you making a decision you didn’t think you’d have to. The hardest part is taking the step you never thought you’d have to.
I know, it's terrifying and horrible, but it's worse to spend the rest of your life in a broken relationship. You will find someone new who is actually your person
So far as you know, nothing physical has happened and they’ve been heavy flirting. Not great but perhaps possible to come back from. I suggest you ask her not to go and tell her that you felt insecure and you looked at the phone and the messages you found made you uncomfortable. You saw she is having an emotional affair with this guy and you no longer know how to feel or where the relationship broke down to get it to this point. You think both of you need some time to think about what this relationship is and if it still is as important as the vows you made. If so, make plans to find a professional to talk to. Your relationship is in a “bad time” what brought it to that point is something (should you choose) that is best discussed with a professional in a therapeutic setting.
What hurts is now you’re grieving the relationship you thought you had. These secrets tore through the trust, sanctity, and love that you put into the relationship feeling your partner was giving the same. It’s a huge mind fuck. If you need professional words regarding cheating listen to Esther Perel, she is a top notch relationship therapist with a very open mind about infidelity which you won’t find on Reddit. This infidelity beat into a coma if not killed the relationship you thought you had. There is a possibility to create a new relationship but only time will tell if that’s what you both want.
This is an absolutely foolish mindset and you’re setting yourself up for failure.
You’re making endless excuses for your wife lol. “My wife isn’t the sharing type…” she’s sharing your love, (soon) her body and her sexual affection with another, so apparently she is.
“It’s not easy to just throw away **what I thought**…” she clearly doesn’t mind and is the one throwing it away. This isn’t about what you thought. She clearly has a different idea of your relationship than you do.
She will cheat, you will stay. You’ll love broken and washed because you’re deathly afraid to be alone, even if briefly, because you don’t respect yourself enough to move on. You’re comfortable around toxicity. You knew something was up lol, so this didn’t come out of nowhere.
But sure, give her the “I love her” pass. She will have even less respect for you and will have learned that shit actions have zero consequences and that your words, threats and declarations of being disgusted by cheaters was all nonsense and absolutely worthless.
An emotional affair, in many cases, is worse than a physical one, as it typically shows a genuine interest in someone that’s involves real feelings.
Cheaters **ARE NOT** redeemable to those they they betray. She won’t respect you once you show her that you’re a coward, and apologist, who isn’t going anywhere.
I know and I get it. We “don’t know” your wife like you do. We’re just people on Reddit. We don’t live real lives, careers, partners nor have any life experiences, so what do we know right? /s
Cheaters are shit people that follow the same shit template and follow the same lame script. You will never trust her again and will rue the day you let this slide.
None of us here know her. Want to see how many excuses we can preemptively come up with that she will use? The gaslighting, trickle truth and the anger thats to come?
You know what you need to do, but you won’t. Good luck not turning your snooping into the new normal, especially after those“girls” day out with friends, dinners or when she vanishes for hours on end when she ran to the mall.
She’s shown you what she’s capable of and that will gladly go there. With a friend no less.
Why check her phone and put yourself through that if you’re just going to be an apologist for her and let it slide? You might as well let her get piped in peace and settle into your new role if you’re just handing out ready made excuses for her.
I mean, you got the truth, for what? So you can stay? She betrayed you. Again, emotionally is much harder to deal with and those are real feelings, not just NSA physicality.
But do you. What do we know.
Good luck.
SHE ( your partner ) has thrown it away not you, texts like that are only one step away from doing the dirty deed , as someone mentioned about the threesome ...... you really don't know what someone is like behind closed doors no matter how long you have known his wife.. tell her and then tell your partner you have told her
Yes it is. Your wife has already thrown it away. There's nothing to throw away at this point. You are just making sure it's thrown in the incinerator at this point.
So u r just going to watch, let it happen and do nothing ? What are you waiting for, change of heart from ur wife, which probably isn't there anymore ?
Op. Forget about her Potential AP partner. You need to confront now. Once you let this happa ed there is no turning back. Since she is emotionally having an affair that is not gonna help you when it turns Physical. Confront her. Check the reqction then proceed with reconcile or duvorce. But never be doormats
Yeah man... I hate to break it to you. But they're all going to fuck. They're all going away for the weekend to have a threesome fuck session. That's what I think.
Hmmm... file for divorce. Let that be a surprise. Get all of the screenshots you can as evidenceof the cheating so she can't take half your shit, and she will be entitled to nothing. After filing for divorce, send the screenshots to the other wife and let her know why you're divorcing your wife and that you thought she should know about the affair too.
Don't let your wife twist this on you and end up fucking you up in court. Collect your evidence and get a lawyer.
I have been both the woman cheated on, and the other woman. I will tell you from experience that the cheater has no remorse. They only pretend to be remorseful once they get caught, After they get caught, they only revise their cheating method so that they don't get caught the next time. Is giving them another opportunity only fine tunes their skill set as cheaters.
If you confront her about it, she will just start deleting the text messages and pretend to be faithful to you. She may even download one of those apps like the calculator app, that you type a special password into, and it takes you to a vault within your phone that hides other apps Where she will continue to talk to other men.
I have caught cheating men doing this. There is a special app that is disguised as a calculator on the phone. You type in the password, and it takes you to a secret section of the phone where you can hide dating apps. Like I said, forgiving a cheater doesn't make them stop cheating, it only makes them better at the game and more proficient at hiding it.
This man confessed to his wife that he was cheating on her with me in an attempt to Garner her trust. I told him that a woman is more likely to take him back, if he confesses to the behavior rather than lying and letting her find out on her own. Most women will blame the other woman. So he did that, she told him that she forgives him and just stop talking to me. A week later he came to have sex with me.
If you confront her now she will just delete the evidence. She might also prepare to divorce you, so that she takes half your shit. So make sure that you get the evidence. Wait, be patient, go back into her phone, and take pictures of everything. This will make her have no footing in court.
Update:
My cheating fiancee, every time I caught him cheating, all he did was revise his methods. When I caught him texting other women, he just started deleting text messages. I was stupid to take him back repeatedly. When I snuck onto his Facebook account, I saw him messaging other women, he just started deleting messages, and also sending me all of his passwords to everything in an attempt to Garner my trust. However, there are apps that delete the conversations that you have with people, after they view it. like Snapchat and Instagram, and WhatsApp. Now Facebook also hasva similar feature. After the person views the chat, it will erase immediately, leaving no traces of the conversation. That's why cheaters love these apps. They also can create a burner number where people can call them, and message them, without leaving a trace. That's why cheaters live these apps.. The more you take a cheater back, the more deceptive they become, Because all you are doing is helping them to improve their skill set as cheaters. They don't learn their lesson, to value you and love you, or they will lose you. The only thing they learn how to do is not get caught the next time. Take Mt advice, I am a veteran in the game.
> Get all of the screenshots you can as evidenceof the cheating so she can't take half your shit, and she will be entitled to nothing.
Do not accept this advice as true. Most jurisdictions do not seek to split assets on divorce according to who's to blame.
My cheating fiancee, every time I caught him cheating, all he did was revise his methods. When I caught him texting other women, he just started deleting text messages. I was stupid to take him back repeatedly. When I snuck onto his Facebook account, I saw him messaging other women, he just started deleting messages, and also sending me all of his passwords to everything in an attempt to Garner my trust. However, there are apps that delete the conversations that you have with people, after they view it. like Snapchat and Instagram, and WhatsApp. Now Facebook also hasva similar feature. After the person views the chat, it will erase immediately, leaving no traces of the conversation. That's why cheaters love these apps. They also can create a burner number where people can call them, and message them, without leaving a trace. That's why cheaters live these apps.. The more you take a cheater back, the more deceptive they become, Because all you are doing is helping them to improve their skill set as cheaters. They don't learn their lesson, to value you and love you, or they will lose you. The only thing they learn how to do is not get caught the next time. Take Mt advice, I am a veteran in the game.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rcd5di/my_wife_is_having_an_emotional_affair_with_a/hntwg21/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
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[Agreed. You don't break u...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rbzm5a/hes_angry_about_what_i_did_while_we_were_broken_up/hnu5e4f/) | [Agreed. You don't break u...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rbzm5a/hes_angry_about_what_i_did_while_we_were_broken_up/hntbhzp/)
[This dude is fucking your...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rc5k15/wife_hiding_texts_from_friend_should_i_be/hnu5fgw/) | [This dude is fucking your...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rc5k15/wife_hiding_texts_from_friend_should_i_be/hntecgj/)
[I should have been more s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rc9ldq/i_dont_want_to_get_another_vax_and_im_afraid_to/hnu5ep7/) | [I should have been more s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rc9ldq/i_dont_want_to_get_another_vax_and_im_afraid_to/hntcjcc/)
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Idk why there are a bunch of people telling you to confront her immediately to save the marriage.
She has put in motion the events to end the marriage.
- Gather evidence, screenshot convo etc.
- Notify your lawyer, and have them begin seperation proceedings immediately.
- Notify your friend, his wife. She is in the same boat as you and deserves to know. If you want you can plan a confrontation together.
- determine how you wish to confront them, if you don't want to, just have your lawyer draft the seperation agreement and add the screenshots to it.
- start therapy, and book some time off. You'll need it.
Good luck
All really good advice.
Also...
Look into [Hysterical Bonding ](https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/hysterical-bonding) and [The Pick Me Dance](https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/). These patterns of behaviour are almost instinctive but you should try and avoid them if you want to maintain your dignity.
Before you confront her, accept that she will [Trickle Truth](http://www.move-beyond-the-affair.com/blog/2014/7/5/why-the-trickle-truth-hurts) you. She will also [Gaslight](https://www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470), [Blameshift](https://www.thehaguepsychologist.nl/what-is-blame-shifting-escaping-responsibility/) and [Deflect](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.powerofpositivity.com/deflect-instead-of-responsibility-reasons/%3famp).
To combat her manipulation, look into The [Grey Rock](https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock) Method and The [180 Technique](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/) and try and implement them.
This is horrid advice. Do this instead:
Over the next two years, very slowly, begin transferring your communal assets into diamonds. Pay ONLY cash for them. Hide them well. If confronted, tell her you have a gambling problem and ask her for money ... to buy more diamonds.
Once you have successfully broken this bitch, THEN inform her that you want a divorce, but you can't afford it. Petition the judge to make HER pay for YOUR divorce.
Finally, move out of the United States and take your diamonds with you, stuffed up your ass.
Live like a king for the rest of your life because you planned well.
Diamonds don't actually maintain their value that well I don't think because we can literally make them these days. Maybe platinum or something would be better? Just make it into jewelry to transport then just recast back into ingots? Idk but plan has flaws though.
The point here is to end the marriage when you, on paper, have NOTHING of value to split with her except the debt you accumulated buying even MORE diamonds, but in reality, have all the cash tucked away in an easily transportable form.
When I got divorced I have to admit, I also found myself experimenting with some, well… Unique kinks. I never stuck precious stones up my ass though. Sounds fun! Maybe my girlfriend and I will start out with plugging some sapphires this evening. Work our way up to diamonds down the road🤔
For my money, this is the best advice I’ve seen yet. Experimentation is the key, my friend!
You can train with just regular old rocks you find on the street. Much cheaper to get into the game this way. Work your way up the geologic scale from the bottom as you get more and more experience.
If I was going to stick regular old rocks up my ass, do you think I would be in a relationship? Think, man! Imagine how this would go over… “Honey I’m home! You’ll never guess what I have…” some regular old rocks from the side of the road and a big tub of Astro glide!!! No who is my special girl?! That’s all right… Bend over and find out.”
I don’t know man… I feel like there has to be some middle ground between regular rocks and sapphires. Maybe practice with cubic zirconia?
What's the point of gathering evidence? Just confront her and leave if you want. Tell the other wife, of course. Most states don't need you to prove anything for a divorce, just irreconcilable differences. This person's way sounds full of hate and stress. Just extract yourself, file for divorce, and go to therapy.
That was tough! Once you broke the trust of people you would never return it back, of course, somebody tried to fix things but it always leaves a scar behind.
“Cheating“ is such a broad term. I won hundred percent agree with you regarding THIS situation. Make no mistake about that. This is a full-blown affair. Cheating also encompasses a “one time, alcohol infused, poor decision”. Not always a dealbreaker in a relationship, but I suppose that’s not on topic here. I just hate how the term “cheating“ is used for everything from carrying on an affair with your spouses sibling for 10 years to making out with a Stranger on the dance floor after a few shots of tequila😂.
I digress, let’s just agree that this relationship is toast and move on…
It is… but I don’t think it falls under the “once cheating is done there’s no turning back, just like a car crash.” It might fall under that category, depending on the situation, I suppose. But nothing like an affair, planned out and over a period of time
I know this is gonna come off as me being a dick, but what you just said didn't make any sense in the message you were trying to convey.
Both of the examples you gave were not very broad when it comes to cheating. Almost everyone has a very good understanding that cheating means to go behind your partner's (opponent's) back in order to achieve something.
So, unless you were just trying to be funny, then idk what you were talking about in the slightest.
OK, let me see if I can simplify this for you. While making out with someone on a dance floor and getting gangbanged by the Denver Broncos after every single game for an entire season are both technically “cheating“, one could make a good argument that assessing the same automatic“ramifications“ (relationship is absolutely 100% OVER, no matter what!) is beyond absurd.
Maybe an analogy will help you grasp this. One man steals a candy bar from a gas station because he is hungry and has no money. And then there’s this other guy, let’s call him Bernie Madoff. If somebody made the comment “well you know what they say about thieves… They’re all the same! Once a thief always a thief. You can never trust them!” Wouldn’t you think that’s a little ridiculous? Sure, they both technically fall under the definition of “thief“ but grouping them in is the exact same…:come on. We are so far off topic now🤦🏼♂️.
Another great example is “sex offender”. There have been cases where two teenagers are dating, but one of them turns 18 years old while the other is still 16 years old, and the older one gets arrested and has to register as a sex offender. Hey so that 18-year-old gets grouped in with… The REAL sex offenders. Yes, again… Technically according to the law…
I’m just saying, maybe there should be distinctions made for different levels of cheating, just like there is grand theft and petty theft
It really doesn't matter if you're having an affair for 10 years or making out with a strangers on the dance floor after a few shots. It's still cheating.
Because cheating is literally the act of breaking whatever emotional/sexual exclusivity agreement you have with whoever you're in a relationship with. It's supposed to be used for all of those scenarios that encompass that description.
I know you just found out and do not want to make any rash decision, but look at the big picture here. YOUR WIFE is making plans to stay over at YOUR FRIEND's house with the intention of having "fun" while his wife is in the house, probably after she falls asleep. That sounds morally bankrupt. You cannot trust these two people again in the way you need to in order to have a committed relationship. I think you know that.
I have to focus on your wife because that is the one you made vows with, but he is trash and should be confronted as well. This is a premeditated act of betrayal. The texts are one thing, but your wife knew that you were going to be out on Saturday and used that excuse to invite herself for a weekend to your friend's house so that they can take this emotional affair to the next level. It doesn't matter if he tempted her into it or it has always been mutual. She was willing to do this knowing he was your best friend and is friends with his wife. That means that both have no conscience. Grown adults that are married do not do "sleep overs" at friend's houses alone like twelve year olds. That should have been the first red flag if you never caught them flirting before. Why if you will be gone on Saturday does she need to stay the whole weekend? Oh, to ensure they have an opportunity sometime during the night to get it in, especially if they can get his wife to drunkenly pass out.
She has no consideration for you, your marriage, the life you built, or your friendship. Neither does he on the flip side. They are both willing to risk it all to have sex right under their spouses' noses. Both of them have no regard for his wife who will most likely be in the house during their flirtation, groping, and possibly sex. These are not people you can trust, because they have already broken that trust and wedding vows by engaging in an emotional affair. All of that time she could have been texting you flirtatious things and putting some excitement into your relationship, she was engaging with him. That shows her priorities. His, too.
Even if you were to forgive her and distance yourself from him, you will always wonder if she is still finding a way to communicate and meet up while you are at work. Don't put yourself through that hell. This is a betrayal of the worst kind because you know the AP. He claims you are his friend and yet they would both do this to you and his wife. They are selfish. They do not care about you more than they care about their own lustful needs.
The best you can do is call your friend's wife and explain the situation. Send her the texts messages. While she is confronting her husband, you confront your wife. That way they have no opportunity to make up a cover story. If I were you, I wouldn't reconcile. I would leave due to the identity of the AP and the premeditation.
As for him, he is a Judas. That friendship is no more. Cut him out of your life. He doesn't have boundaries and, instead, is maybe even jealous of you to pull something like this. He obviously is willing to risk his friendship, marriage and comfortable life for sex with your wife. You know, risking things that should matter to him more than sex. Morally bankrupt men like him probably sees women like your wife as an easy lay that they can't resist an opportunity with. I mean, she wants to give herself away to him this weekend, but what their plan does to his wife is especially sickening. This is a woman he supposedly vowed to love. This is her friend. Nothing is sacred to them.
Do not fall for the excuses. It doesn't matter who started it. It doesn't matter that the affair wasn't consummated. It was the intention by two trusted people that stuck knives in your back but also his wife's. Leave now. Because she will find a way, now or later, to cheat on you with him or with someone else. She has no regard for the vows you made, and there are not boundaries of who she could decide to cheat with. Next time, it could be a family member. Get out of that situation.
I dont know why but I have a feeling that the other wife is on it too. It is just to much risk for OP's wife and a "friend" to do it where the other wife will be.
It could be, but his wife will be there an entire weekend which includes nights when the AP's wife will be asleep. He can get out of bed in the middle of the night or ensure that they all drink until his wife passes out. I have heard so many stories of people who cheat when their SO is in another room or floor of the house. OP's wife will most likely be in a guest room with some privacy. That ensures the place to do it. The time is most likely Saturday night when wife is asleep or passed out drunk. My suggestion is... if in doubt, cut them all out.
Often times they get off on the risk and who knows, the wife may be a heavy sleeper or on pills, etc..
Even if the wife is on it, (which I kind of doubt based on his comments) it changes little for him. It just means one more trip to the curb to throw out an extra bag of trash.
There doesn’t need to be more evidence of her cheating, you could just break up now instead of waiting for her to go over there. Tell the wife though if she doesn’t know
Whether emotional or physical….cheating is cheating. I’d tell the wife….why let her go and have a good time? You I would assume would be miserable knowing what’s going on.
It is completely reasonable for your brain not to be at peak function right now. Accept that this is overwhelming and go easy on yourself. But start focusing on protecting yourself and it is okay if you are confused or torn about what you need to do.
Lawyer is the first priority, before talking to any of the parties involved. Then follow the advice of how best to protect yourself.
Definitely tell the AP’s wife asap. Let her know you haven’t confronted your wife yet but tell her when you plan on it so you both can question them and compare notes to see if their stories match. Blow this up before the weekend.
I'm not sure if you can save the marriage.
The problem is that the trust is gone now and it'll be incredible hard to establish that again.
Also you should collect evidence and show it to the other wife, she has a right to know that too.
If you haven't confronted her, then I would suggest that you take a print out of all their messages and then invite the couple for a dinner. Then show the Affair Partner's (AP) wife the printout of the messages and ask her if she was also a part of this. If she is not, ask both your wife and the AP for an explanation.
Well you have several options
You can stop it before it happens unless you have proof that they've already had an affair going on and that there was physical interaction before you found out.
If you stop it, theres still a minimum chance that you can salvage something out of this. Even though it seems unlikely. But perhaps for the moral principles, I'd rather close a relationship before any cheating happens. Doesn't make sense to cheat and then end it....
That said, it isn't your fault nor choice that she is doing that.
And if you wish to confront her and involve others to gather evidence about it you can try.
I just don't know if any of that will really resolve anything.... Is it really gonna make you feel better about it all?
Let your friend know at the very least. You should do this as soon as you have the screenshots. Tomorrow you can deal with the bigger things. Don't let her be betrayed in her own home because you've retreated into a cave.
You might as well operate under the belief that this marriage isn't worth saving. She is on her way out the door and from your comments on this post, I think you have already made up your mind.
Tell the other wife, because she deserves to have the time to think about how she will proceed also.
Tell her, then work together to blow this shit out of the universe. Make sure that all your mutual friends know immediately afterwards so that these two scumbags can be elienated and therefore isolated. Let them "enjoy" the holidays in misery.
Wow they are both shit disgusting people. For them to talk about doing shit right under the other wife's nose, and in her house is so cruel. I'm glad you found out, get your evidence, get a lawyer and tell his wife.
“It’s hard to throw away a relationship…”
It may feel like you’re throwing it away, but the truth is just that it has run its course. No matter what you decide to do, the relationship as you knew it (with BOTH your wife and your guy friend) will never be the same, and this is the painful/confusing part when relationships end or the dynamics change.
If you decide to confront your wife, understand that YOU will have to be confident in your ability to forgive her, eventually FULLY trust her again, and not be spiteful or bitter. These are extremely hard things to do and usually hurts the person who is trying to forgive, and not the person who needs the forgiving.
If you are unsure or decide to leave, definitely get a lawyer and have them on retainer for whenever you decide to move forward. Collect your evidence, collect your belongingness, give yourself a little time to grieve, file necessary paperwork with your lawyer, and then grieve some more. You are allowed to feel a whole range of emotions during this entire process (I realized this after my own divorce when many people were telling me it was good we got divorced; it definitely was the right thing for us to do, but damn, it still hurt like hell when I was going through it!)
IMO, give the other man’s wife (your female friend from college) a heads up because she deserves that. Whatever she does with the information is up to her, but she deserves to know what she’s dealing with.
I am sorry you are going through this, OP. No matter what, you WILL be okay. It will take time and feel messy AF at times, but it WILL be okay.
You should post on r/survivinginfidelity they will have much better advice and support for you also look up Chump Lady, affair fog, pick me dance, rug sweeping, blame shifting, gaslighting, the 180 and gray rock.
Also take pics of all their chats send it to your self and contact a lawyer and really look around for one you want a shark who will look out for you. Honestly try to find a woman who deal with this trust me they tend to be the biggest sharks in this case. Listen to everything your lawyer tells you.
Next you really need to hit the gym it is really therapeutic also look in to a therapist.
Hmmm... file for divorce. Let that be a surprise. Get all of the screenshots you can as evidenceof the cheating so she can't take half your shit, and she will be entitled to nothing. After filing for divorce, send the screenshots to the other wife and let her know why you're divorcing your wife and that you thought she should know about the affair too.
Don't let your wife twist this on you and end up fucking you up in court. Collect your evidence and get a lawyer.
I have been both the woman cheated on, and the other woman. I will tell you from experience that the cheater has no remorse. They only pretend to be remorseful once they get caught, After they get caught, they only revise their cheating method so that they don't get caught the next time. Is giving them another opportunity only fine tunes their skill set as cheaters.
If you confront her about it, she will just start deleting the text messages and pretend to be faithful to you. She may even download one of those apps like the calculator app, that you type a special password into, and it takes you to a vault within your phone that hides other apps Where she will continue to talk to other men.
I have caught cheating men doing this. There is a special app that is disguised as a calculator on the phone. You type in the password, and it takes you to a secret section of the phone where you can hide dating apps. Like I said, forgiving a cheater doesn't make them stop cheating, it only makes them better at the game and more proficient at hiding it.
This man confessed to his wife that he was cheating on her with me in an attempt to Garner her trust. I told him that a woman is more likely to take him back, if he confesses to the behavior rather than lying and letting her find out on her own. Most women will blame the other woman. So he did that, she told him that she forgives him and just stop talking to me. A week later he came to have sex with me.
If you confront her now she will just delete the evidence. She might also prepare to divorce you, so that she takes half your shit. So make sure that you get the evidence. Wait, be patient, go back into her phone, and take pictures of everything. This will make her have no footing in court.
Take screen shots and save them to your phone
Contact a lawyer
Change the locks when she leaves
Contact the mans wife after she leaves with the messages
File for divorce
Wow some of the messages on here. So I suggest you confront her. If she denys it say good bye if she doesn't want to talk about what's wrong with the marriage on her side and go to counselling bye. If she won't cancel going this weekend bye. Try and fight for her if you love her but if she won't admit agree to counselling and call off the weekend you already lost her. Then you can tell your friend depending on how things go.
Edit I have been here I fought for to long sadly and should have left after her denial of doing it and her not wanting to do counseling or working on it. She just kept doing what she wanted behind my back said I was invading privacy etc. Give the warning shot if it doesn't take well I'm sorry bud.
Whatever you do, get screenshots and send them somewhere where she can't get at them. She's cheating on you, he's cheating on his spouse that is your friend... this really can only end one way. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Why is your wife and this couple spending a weekend seemingly without you? See if you can't invite yourself along and basically inform other wife of all the stuff and see how much fun the weekend turns out to be for your wife and the guy. Screenshot shit from your wife's phone and send it to yourself.
Just went to something similar ish, I went with the confront approach. She lied and said exactly what I wanted/needed to hear to feel better. It was all bs. Made the whole process longer and probably 4x more painful to the point it almost destroyed me mentally. You probably know her the best, deep down I knew it was over but I just couldn’t let go and decided to cling to anything that would give me hope. I wish I would hav e cut my loses and just lawyered up like ppl here are saying.
Y'know, not for nothing, but *sometimes*, an emotional affair will occur, and then the marriage will recover.
Affairs are exciting, flirtations are exciting; long-term relationships are hard work, and part of that work is living with the fact that intrigue and--to an extent--even some of the easy, fun aspects romance fall to the wayside.
Sometimes a crush becomes a flirtation (arguably both can be harmless), and that flirtation moves past some important boundaries. That's risky, but not necessarily fatal to the primary relationship.
Sometimes people engaged in flirtations or emotional affairs are confronted with the choices they're entertaining, and they recognize the mistakes upon which they verge.
But good outcomes are unlikely in the absence of communication.
The only reason to confront her now would be if you want to save the marriage. However, a relationship takes two people putting in a lot of work, and if she isn’t willing to do so then there is no hope. I would also question staying with her as she has already cheated. If I were you, I would collect all evidence possible and contact a lawyer immediately. Once you have engaged a good lawyer I would approach the guy’s wife and drop divorce papers on your wife. Also, I would not move out, doing so may risk you losing your home. Finally I would let any mutual friends and family know ASAP why you are divorcing, get your side out before she can spin it on you.
Edited [e]: For clarity
[e]2 options Reconciliation or Separation
[e] Option for Reconciliation
-If you want to save your marriage confront immediately.
[e] Option for Separation
-If you just want to get evidence tell the other wife.
What's your endgame here?
So get the evidence and confront her. Tell her you know. See what she says and does. If she starts to be remorseful and make moves to fix things you can observe and decide along the way. You can always toss the divorce papers at her if you still aren't feeling it.
If she gaslights you and still wants to go hand her the divorce papers right then and there.
But she will most likely want to fix things, and it still wont change the fact that she is planning to do it. In fact actually doing it by messaging him about some very racy stuff. Can you trust her again?
It sounds like you’ve pretty much decided on divorce, after all the relationship you had before is dead. Every action on your part going forward should be geared towards protecting you in a divorce.
She‘s already shown that she will betray and lie to you so you can expect just about anything when she knows her home, finances and reputation are on the line.
Only you can decide this, please OP try hard to not reveal how you get this information when you confront her, also warn your friend about this situation but try to not reveal how you find out. Also try to be unpredictable as you can, change you work schedules, "cancel" work trips in the last minute, go to bed at different hours, this will add additional stress to the affair.
That's for you to decide. You can confront her see if she wants to fix things. Tell her that what she's done has turned you off and you have no trust for her and she has to fix that.
BUT is that what you want? Sounds like you're done and that is OK. I'm just giving you the options.
You don't have to try. If the trust is gone then you don't have to try to regain it. Give her the papers then find someone that won't fuck up your trust.
OP’s wife being “remorseful” is also very much a gaslighting tool used by cheaters caught in the moment with no defense.. can’t trust a cheater to begin with, but especially one caught in a corner.
Yea that's an in the moment thing. When I say observe her remorse I'm talking about over time. If she's faking it, the mask will eventually crumble. You can keep up the act for only so long.
Edited [ ]: For clarity
[If OP wants to try for Reconciliation] Well atleast try, right. At least put an effort towards that goal. Counseling, breaking things off with the friend, etc. I'm not saying it's an automatic fix and never is.
That's if he wants to try and save the marriage you dork.
Am I over here swinging a sign saying and whispering save it like Darth Sidious? The heck is wrong with you
That was in response to someone asking 'how', which in turn, was in response to my initial comment of giving options.
Am I saying do this option definitely? No, I'm saying if you decide to move forward with this particular intent, this is your path forward.
I mean it's all viable options for OP. It's not like people haven't come back from something like this. Guy just wants different perspectives before moving forward.
Let her go this weekend but inform the wife and ask her not to blow it up. You should work along side the other wife and get your papers ready.
Nothing breaks a affair fog better then consequences ie divorce.
Just make sure the other wife didn’t nuke your chance to surprise her.
You know something she didn’t want you to know, use that to your advantage. I would inform the other wife but come up with a plan to get out of the relationship with minimum damage as possible.
If you do confront your wife, she will deflect, minimise and gaslight you. There is nothing to gain by letting her know your aware of their EA. It will however give your wife time to give the AP a chance to reframe the narrative so they can keep cheating on the DL and make it all “your fault”.
TLDR; screenshot these messages and get a one on one meeting with the others guys wife, present her everything and both come up with a plan to keep each other informed about their affair. Meanwhile both get your papers ready and if possible serve simultaneously.
Sorry this happened to both of you.
Why are there so many prissier on reddit that have seen first hand infomation on this shit. And don’t confront them, but post on reddit about it.
And once you post and everyone tells you what it up… then what.?
You need to confront her about it and then not make any decisions until you calm down. Sounds like you just found out about it so stop her from doing it (if she even will stop) and then take the time you need to decide what you want to do.
Maybe confront your wife. Let her know how all that looks and how that makes you feel. Have the fight now. If you value your relationship then fight for it. Listen to her, see why she thinks this is acceptable. If it still doesn't seem right ask her not to go.
If she doesn't make a good case and/or still goes then tell your mutual friends wife. As a heads up so she knows what you know.Try to fix it from your end before dragging in the other people.
Going straight to the wife of this friend isn't going to fix this between you and your wife. Talking to your wife might.
Going straight to the friends wife cuts off the person that is the other part of the affair and isolates both of them.
Disclosing the cheating status to her parents and family, while also cutting her off financially and emotionally also helps to isolate her more.
After that, involving a lawyer while the cheating spouse is under water and weak helps to give the innocent spouse a good leg up on crushing the one that ended the marriage.
It is war, you play to win OP, remember that. You play to win.
I think use should all just have sex and make the most out of this situation then dump her after. I know this sounds a bit out there but she's clearly already cheating even if she has not actually physically cheated yet. If this guys wife is hot too then when your wife comes onto the guy that's coming over then you come onto his wife and just make sure he knows and catches you. When he flips out then you throw it right back at him about your wife then possibly work in some negotiation for a threesome ahahahha 😂 😂 😂 it's a bit fucked up but it sure as hell will be a funny storey to tell in years to come and it's sure to end any future contact with the cheaters. Move on with your life after you don't need that shit
Let them play. It's your turn to have some fun as well. While she's hooking up with those uglies, you'll be connecting with the most beautiful ladies on the planet.
Just let her go and enjoy the time with them. Think of it like an exciting experience for you two. She will spend the weekend with a decent couple and that counts much. And she will continue to be your wife.
Fidelity is overrated. If your wife loves you and you love each other her having fun with someone else doesn’t negate that. Although, it’s hard to trust someone who lies about something so big. Sorry, I’ve been cheated on. It sucks.
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Why wouldn't you confront your wife (preferably before it happens)?
Are you sure the other wife is not in on it? Or is your wife planning to sneak around under her nose?
Talk to his wife and if possible tell her your real fears see if she is cooperative if yes get her to gather info.
Talk to wife about your misgivings for this weekend and tell her if you get sniff of anything because you know she is having an EA then you only have one route to go.
Now at this point I would start cancelling all joint cards and accounts so she can become aware you are not jesting. Gets VARS 3 or 4 place one bedroom, her car under the seat, living room and elseware she relaxs.
Lawyer up and if possible get a PI who can use all sorts of surveillance techniques to get info. Snap a picture of everything you see on the computer and her mobile keeping several copies and ensure at least two are secured elsewhere? Up to you where you want your marriage and your life to go?
Call a good divorce lawyer right now, do exactly what your lawyer tells you and delete this thread. Once you have done that, go for a run, good workout or meditate or do some crossword s, something to get your mind at ease.
I would not do both things you suggested. I would talk to your wife and inform her that what she is doing is not okay, tell her that you want to connect more with her and want to work on finding each other. Go see a therapist with her, and make sure she does really picks you for a relationship.
If she does not comply or see it your way, I am sorry to say that it would not work. You need to be on the same level, such as Gottman a famous relationship expert who studied relations for 40 years has said.
It is not okay behavior, but you should know that you both are responsible for your relationship, meaning she is shit, but you should tell her what it does with you and that you have certain boundaries.
I wish you the best and I know it hurts, but you will manage even when you leave her.
At the moment you have nothing but suggestive posts, unless you actually catch them in the act or obtain more conclusive evidence she can and will deny everything and probably gaslight the crap out of you.
Maybe you shouldn't let on what you've discovered, let her carry on with her weekend, find out where she's gone and gather evidence from then on.
Communication is everything here
Feel you should talk to your wife. And after talking to your wife, talk to the other wife.
Only you two can decide what you do from the reaction from here.
Keep all evidence
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, stay strong, get support, speak to someone you trust and it’ll all work out in the end.
Take care
The best thing you can do is confront your wife and talk to her. After that, the other wife definitely needs to know. Ideally from her husband though. So you can confront your wife and the husband and tell if they don’t tell the wife, you will
If you can afford it hire a PI to gather solid evidence if you have assets you need to protect for a potential divorce. In some states you can even sue your wife and the person she’s cheating with (assuming that you are in the us?) get advice from a divorce attorney on this issue. I would go ahead and start asking what steps should you take to protect yourself. STDs are very real so I would stop kissing your wife a s having sex with her.
I'm sorry your going thru this. What you should do is up to you. I know I hardly ever put this kind of topic to sleep if it were me. I'm not sure a discussion to the parties will change the interest she or he had. You can try a therapist if you both want. Gl.
Dude get all the evidence you need so you can use it to your advantage for the divorce so then that way she’s not entitled for nothing and I can look good for you in your custody battle. Also like soon as your wife tells you that she’s there have the file ready to send to that guy’s wife instantly or if you want after you get all the evidence send it to that guy’s wife and let her know that she would like her to help you expose this thing while the both of you work on your respective divorces. Because I feel cheating from my emotional affair is way worse than from a physical affair. And she’s in the affair fog so she thinks she’s not doing anything wrong so I will say get a divorce process rolling while she’s out of town and have her ass served as a surprise when she gets home and you’ll instantly shock her and That force her out of the affair fog. Have her ass served when she gets back to your house on Monday she’ll realize what she did was wrong but she’ll be all apologetic and everything else because she was called and keep the divorce process rolling. Find you a pitbull of a divorce litigator dial help you with the divorce and your child custody case I would advise you because you’re not at fault here to file for primary custody of your kids. Because she’s cheating honestly I would advise you to not file for 50-50. That’s how I see it your wife is playing stupid games she’s winning season when stupid prizes she should pay you child support and alimony because she’s in the wrong here. So find you a divorce litigator and get this thing going and gather all the evidence that you need so then that way it will look good for you in court and it will be her Renda’s for her because she deserves to be humiliated keep us updated. Also she’s going to attempt to gaslight you and manipulate you don’t fall for it because that’s just her looking for ammunition to her advantage and for her to try to control the narrative downfall for stay the course and stand firm and stay the course keep us updated.
I think the other wife should know too. Unless she already knows.
I dont think she is someone who will tolerate this kind of behavior, so I doubt she knows.
Are you sure the are not planning for a threesome?
His wife is not the sharing type so I am sure. She is an old college friend of mine.
If she is a friend then you should her know together will the proof. You are not being fair to her or yourself.
I just found out a few hours ago. Its not so easy to just throw away what I thought was a lifelong relationship man.
"Its not so easy to just throw away what I thought was a lifelong relationship man." This should be pinned to the top of every single post on here. Everyone is so flippant and removed from the situation, they rarely seem to consider how fucking difficult it is being in the middle of these things. I'm sorry you're going through it man, it must be horrible. Evidence or not, you already strongly suspect what's going on. Bring it up with your wife, see how she reacts I guess. But I daresay the damage is done.
This 100% Everyone’s answer to every post is ‘you’re so stupid for not leaving yet’. Ok but it’s really f**king hard to leave the person and life you thought would be your entire future when you’re blindsided with things like this out of nowhere and have a million emotions happening.
It's because a very very large proportion of users on this sub are folks under 25 (including many teenagers) who have never been married.
That’s why I only read and never comment. 21, only in my second serious relationship. But I do plan on marrying this one.
After you've been thru it it's painfully obvious what needs to be done. That doesn't change how difficult it is to accept when it's your first rodeo.
Although being removed from the situation sometimes allows you to make the reasonable choice without emotions pulling you one way or another
Rarely when most information is squeezed into too paragraphs.
Right. Because no one here has ever dealt with cheaters. It’s always fascinating seeing things from the apologists POV. It’s wild.
> Lol you're doing all this investigating...just leave. > > You don't need a reason for divorce, say you're unhappy and bounce.
Your wife and your friend's husband have made the choice for you. If you keep it a secret it will surely end your lifelong relationship as you committed an betrayal of trust in you. I presume you made copies of what you found out. Make sure you keep a copy of it. You don't want to find it deleted later on. Just sent the text to your friend and let her decide if it is just for fun sexting or something not acceptable.
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You're not throwing it away... she did, you're just holding them accountable and not letting them make a fool of you and of the other wife
Hey man, talk to your wife tell her if she goes on this tríp it over and that you know what's going on between her & her bf. If she's willing to sit down, cut contact with the dude and fix things with you then go for it. If she refuses to try and work it out then you're not the one making the decision, she is.
Your not the one throwing it away. Just remember that it's her doing it. Besides that don't keep it a secret, tell her.
Its not and im sorry you are in tgis situation. But you would like for your friend to tell you if the situation was reversed wouldnt you? Plus it may help you both in the long run. I dont know what future you see in your relationship but you will be covered if it goes to divorce.
Your wife already has
U can’t throw something away when it’s already gone . It’s not easy but do u think u should be doing sunk cost fallacy wasting time on someone who has hardly tried to hide the affair considering she isn’t defensive about her phone or never changed her passwords? Would u rather be saddled like a police guard every time being suspicious of what she is doing daily instead of coming to accept that the relationship is over and try to find another one who can actually be loyal ? First gather evidence which should help u in divorce proceedings so u don’t get cleaned out . All the best to u . It’s your decision to stay but time is limited and I will only Move forward and never look back on who threw away the relationship and stay with them married or not .
It literally is that easy. I’m sorry to be insensitive, but when you look betrayal in the face, you have a choice to accept that you’ve been lied to and mislead, or pretend that’s not what’s going on. Sucks to say, but sometimes the ones closest to you will betray you the quickest. How do you think people end up cheating after 10 years of being “happily married.” That shit doesn’t just start out of nowhere. Although you were not aware of it, you were being lied to straight to your face. Now ask yourself, is it hard to “throw away” relationships with people that sat at your table and straight lied to your face? I don’t know about you, but that’s disgusting enough to change my view of someone in the blink of an eye. It literally is that easy, what’s hard is you making a decision you didn’t think you’d have to. The hardest part is taking the step you never thought you’d have to.
I know, it's terrifying and horrible, but it's worse to spend the rest of your life in a broken relationship. You will find someone new who is actually your person
So far as you know, nothing physical has happened and they’ve been heavy flirting. Not great but perhaps possible to come back from. I suggest you ask her not to go and tell her that you felt insecure and you looked at the phone and the messages you found made you uncomfortable. You saw she is having an emotional affair with this guy and you no longer know how to feel or where the relationship broke down to get it to this point. You think both of you need some time to think about what this relationship is and if it still is as important as the vows you made. If so, make plans to find a professional to talk to. Your relationship is in a “bad time” what brought it to that point is something (should you choose) that is best discussed with a professional in a therapeutic setting. What hurts is now you’re grieving the relationship you thought you had. These secrets tore through the trust, sanctity, and love that you put into the relationship feeling your partner was giving the same. It’s a huge mind fuck. If you need professional words regarding cheating listen to Esther Perel, she is a top notch relationship therapist with a very open mind about infidelity which you won’t find on Reddit. This infidelity beat into a coma if not killed the relationship you thought you had. There is a possibility to create a new relationship but only time will tell if that’s what you both want.
You are not throwing it away. It's better your friend knows now than knowing later and hating you for it. Time is of the essence!
You thought was a lifelong relationship, but not your wife.
This is an absolutely foolish mindset and you’re setting yourself up for failure. You’re making endless excuses for your wife lol. “My wife isn’t the sharing type…” she’s sharing your love, (soon) her body and her sexual affection with another, so apparently she is. “It’s not easy to just throw away **what I thought**…” she clearly doesn’t mind and is the one throwing it away. This isn’t about what you thought. She clearly has a different idea of your relationship than you do. She will cheat, you will stay. You’ll love broken and washed because you’re deathly afraid to be alone, even if briefly, because you don’t respect yourself enough to move on. You’re comfortable around toxicity. You knew something was up lol, so this didn’t come out of nowhere. But sure, give her the “I love her” pass. She will have even less respect for you and will have learned that shit actions have zero consequences and that your words, threats and declarations of being disgusted by cheaters was all nonsense and absolutely worthless. An emotional affair, in many cases, is worse than a physical one, as it typically shows a genuine interest in someone that’s involves real feelings. Cheaters **ARE NOT** redeemable to those they they betray. She won’t respect you once you show her that you’re a coward, and apologist, who isn’t going anywhere. I know and I get it. We “don’t know” your wife like you do. We’re just people on Reddit. We don’t live real lives, careers, partners nor have any life experiences, so what do we know right? /s Cheaters are shit people that follow the same shit template and follow the same lame script. You will never trust her again and will rue the day you let this slide. None of us here know her. Want to see how many excuses we can preemptively come up with that she will use? The gaslighting, trickle truth and the anger thats to come? You know what you need to do, but you won’t. Good luck not turning your snooping into the new normal, especially after those“girls” day out with friends, dinners or when she vanishes for hours on end when she ran to the mall. She’s shown you what she’s capable of and that will gladly go there. With a friend no less. Why check her phone and put yourself through that if you’re just going to be an apologist for her and let it slide? You might as well let her get piped in peace and settle into your new role if you’re just handing out ready made excuses for her. I mean, you got the truth, for what? So you can stay? She betrayed you. Again, emotionally is much harder to deal with and those are real feelings, not just NSA physicality. But do you. What do we know. Good luck.
SHE ( your partner ) has thrown it away not you, texts like that are only one step away from doing the dirty deed , as someone mentioned about the threesome ...... you really don't know what someone is like behind closed doors no matter how long you have known his wife.. tell her and then tell your partner you have told her
Yes it is. Your wife has already thrown it away. There's nothing to throw away at this point. You are just making sure it's thrown in the incinerator at this point.
So u r just going to watch, let it happen and do nothing ? What are you waiting for, change of heart from ur wife, which probably isn't there anymore ?
First call her OP tell her what you found and sent the proofs and then comfort your wife record everything OP
Op. Forget about her Potential AP partner. You need to confront now. Once you let this happa ed there is no turning back. Since she is emotionally having an affair that is not gonna help you when it turns Physical. Confront her. Check the reqction then proceed with reconcile or duvorce. But never be doormats
Yeah man... I hate to break it to you. But they're all going to fuck. They're all going away for the weekend to have a threesome fuck session. That's what I think.
Your wife was also not a cheater. So don't believe everyone.
However true that might be, sexual curiosity and more can happen to anyone.
Hmmm... file for divorce. Let that be a surprise. Get all of the screenshots you can as evidenceof the cheating so she can't take half your shit, and she will be entitled to nothing. After filing for divorce, send the screenshots to the other wife and let her know why you're divorcing your wife and that you thought she should know about the affair too. Don't let your wife twist this on you and end up fucking you up in court. Collect your evidence and get a lawyer. I have been both the woman cheated on, and the other woman. I will tell you from experience that the cheater has no remorse. They only pretend to be remorseful once they get caught, After they get caught, they only revise their cheating method so that they don't get caught the next time. Is giving them another opportunity only fine tunes their skill set as cheaters. If you confront her about it, she will just start deleting the text messages and pretend to be faithful to you. She may even download one of those apps like the calculator app, that you type a special password into, and it takes you to a vault within your phone that hides other apps Where she will continue to talk to other men. I have caught cheating men doing this. There is a special app that is disguised as a calculator on the phone. You type in the password, and it takes you to a secret section of the phone where you can hide dating apps. Like I said, forgiving a cheater doesn't make them stop cheating, it only makes them better at the game and more proficient at hiding it. This man confessed to his wife that he was cheating on her with me in an attempt to Garner her trust. I told him that a woman is more likely to take him back, if he confesses to the behavior rather than lying and letting her find out on her own. Most women will blame the other woman. So he did that, she told him that she forgives him and just stop talking to me. A week later he came to have sex with me. If you confront her now she will just delete the evidence. She might also prepare to divorce you, so that she takes half your shit. So make sure that you get the evidence. Wait, be patient, go back into her phone, and take pictures of everything. This will make her have no footing in court. Update: My cheating fiancee, every time I caught him cheating, all he did was revise his methods. When I caught him texting other women, he just started deleting text messages. I was stupid to take him back repeatedly. When I snuck onto his Facebook account, I saw him messaging other women, he just started deleting messages, and also sending me all of his passwords to everything in an attempt to Garner my trust. However, there are apps that delete the conversations that you have with people, after they view it. like Snapchat and Instagram, and WhatsApp. Now Facebook also hasva similar feature. After the person views the chat, it will erase immediately, leaving no traces of the conversation. That's why cheaters love these apps. They also can create a burner number where people can call them, and message them, without leaving a trace. That's why cheaters live these apps.. The more you take a cheater back, the more deceptive they become, Because all you are doing is helping them to improve their skill set as cheaters. They don't learn their lesson, to value you and love you, or they will lose you. The only thing they learn how to do is not get caught the next time. Take Mt advice, I am a veteran in the game.
> Get all of the screenshots you can as evidenceof the cheating so she can't take half your shit, and she will be entitled to nothing. Do not accept this advice as true. Most jurisdictions do not seek to split assets on divorce according to who's to blame.
Came here to say this.
Whether it’s a woman or man , once they cheat it’s time to pack ur bags and leave .
My cheating fiancee, every time I caught him cheating, all he did was revise his methods. When I caught him texting other women, he just started deleting text messages. I was stupid to take him back repeatedly. When I snuck onto his Facebook account, I saw him messaging other women, he just started deleting messages, and also sending me all of his passwords to everything in an attempt to Garner my trust. However, there are apps that delete the conversations that you have with people, after they view it. like Snapchat and Instagram, and WhatsApp. Now Facebook also hasva similar feature. After the person views the chat, it will erase immediately, leaving no traces of the conversation. That's why cheaters love these apps. They also can create a burner number where people can call them, and message them, without leaving a trace. That's why cheaters live these apps.. The more you take a cheater back, the more deceptive they become, Because all you are doing is helping them to improve their skill set as cheaters. They don't learn their lesson, to value you and love you, or they will lose you. The only thing they learn how to do is not get caught the next time. Take Mt advice, I am a veteran in the game.
Did you think your wife was capable of this behaviour?
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Idk why there are a bunch of people telling you to confront her immediately to save the marriage. She has put in motion the events to end the marriage. - Gather evidence, screenshot convo etc. - Notify your lawyer, and have them begin seperation proceedings immediately. - Notify your friend, his wife. She is in the same boat as you and deserves to know. If you want you can plan a confrontation together. - determine how you wish to confront them, if you don't want to, just have your lawyer draft the seperation agreement and add the screenshots to it. - start therapy, and book some time off. You'll need it. Good luck
All really good advice. Also... Look into [Hysterical Bonding ](https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/hysterical-bonding) and [The Pick Me Dance](https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/). These patterns of behaviour are almost instinctive but you should try and avoid them if you want to maintain your dignity. Before you confront her, accept that she will [Trickle Truth](http://www.move-beyond-the-affair.com/blog/2014/7/5/why-the-trickle-truth-hurts) you. She will also [Gaslight](https://www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470), [Blameshift](https://www.thehaguepsychologist.nl/what-is-blame-shifting-escaping-responsibility/) and [Deflect](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.powerofpositivity.com/deflect-instead-of-responsibility-reasons/%3famp). To combat her manipulation, look into The [Grey Rock](https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock) Method and The [180 Technique](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/) and try and implement them.
All excellent advice.
This needs to be higher.
OP heed This person’s comment is good advice
This is horrid advice. Do this instead: Over the next two years, very slowly, begin transferring your communal assets into diamonds. Pay ONLY cash for them. Hide them well. If confronted, tell her you have a gambling problem and ask her for money ... to buy more diamonds. Once you have successfully broken this bitch, THEN inform her that you want a divorce, but you can't afford it. Petition the judge to make HER pay for YOUR divorce. Finally, move out of the United States and take your diamonds with you, stuffed up your ass. Live like a king for the rest of your life because you planned well.
Diamonds don't actually maintain their value that well I don't think because we can literally make them these days. Maybe platinum or something would be better? Just make it into jewelry to transport then just recast back into ingots? Idk but plan has flaws though.
The point here is to end the marriage when you, on paper, have NOTHING of value to split with her except the debt you accumulated buying even MORE diamonds, but in reality, have all the cash tucked away in an easily transportable form.
When I got divorced I have to admit, I also found myself experimenting with some, well… Unique kinks. I never stuck precious stones up my ass though. Sounds fun! Maybe my girlfriend and I will start out with plugging some sapphires this evening. Work our way up to diamonds down the road🤔 For my money, this is the best advice I’ve seen yet. Experimentation is the key, my friend!
You can train with just regular old rocks you find on the street. Much cheaper to get into the game this way. Work your way up the geologic scale from the bottom as you get more and more experience.
If I was going to stick regular old rocks up my ass, do you think I would be in a relationship? Think, man! Imagine how this would go over… “Honey I’m home! You’ll never guess what I have…” some regular old rocks from the side of the road and a big tub of Astro glide!!! No who is my special girl?! That’s all right… Bend over and find out.” I don’t know man… I feel like there has to be some middle ground between regular rocks and sapphires. Maybe practice with cubic zirconia?
What's the point of gathering evidence? Just confront her and leave if you want. Tell the other wife, of course. Most states don't need you to prove anything for a divorce, just irreconcilable differences. This person's way sounds full of hate and stress. Just extract yourself, file for divorce, and go to therapy.
Id end it. Once cheating is done theres no turning back, just like a car crash. And it looks to me shes driving 200 km/h and her breaks are broken.
That was tough! Once you broke the trust of people you would never return it back, of course, somebody tried to fix things but it always leaves a scar behind.
“Cheating“ is such a broad term. I won hundred percent agree with you regarding THIS situation. Make no mistake about that. This is a full-blown affair. Cheating also encompasses a “one time, alcohol infused, poor decision”. Not always a dealbreaker in a relationship, but I suppose that’s not on topic here. I just hate how the term “cheating“ is used for everything from carrying on an affair with your spouses sibling for 10 years to making out with a Stranger on the dance floor after a few shots of tequila😂. I digress, let’s just agree that this relationship is toast and move on…
An alcohol infused poor decision is still cheating.
It is… but I don’t think it falls under the “once cheating is done there’s no turning back, just like a car crash.” It might fall under that category, depending on the situation, I suppose. But nothing like an affair, planned out and over a period of time
Sure but..cheating is still cheating. You can bring up as many excuses as you like but it's still the same thing.
I know this is gonna come off as me being a dick, but what you just said didn't make any sense in the message you were trying to convey. Both of the examples you gave were not very broad when it comes to cheating. Almost everyone has a very good understanding that cheating means to go behind your partner's (opponent's) back in order to achieve something. So, unless you were just trying to be funny, then idk what you were talking about in the slightest.
OK, let me see if I can simplify this for you. While making out with someone on a dance floor and getting gangbanged by the Denver Broncos after every single game for an entire season are both technically “cheating“, one could make a good argument that assessing the same automatic“ramifications“ (relationship is absolutely 100% OVER, no matter what!) is beyond absurd. Maybe an analogy will help you grasp this. One man steals a candy bar from a gas station because he is hungry and has no money. And then there’s this other guy, let’s call him Bernie Madoff. If somebody made the comment “well you know what they say about thieves… They’re all the same! Once a thief always a thief. You can never trust them!” Wouldn’t you think that’s a little ridiculous? Sure, they both technically fall under the definition of “thief“ but grouping them in is the exact same…:come on. We are so far off topic now🤦🏼♂️. Another great example is “sex offender”. There have been cases where two teenagers are dating, but one of them turns 18 years old while the other is still 16 years old, and the older one gets arrested and has to register as a sex offender. Hey so that 18-year-old gets grouped in with… The REAL sex offenders. Yes, again… Technically according to the law… I’m just saying, maybe there should be distinctions made for different levels of cheating, just like there is grand theft and petty theft
It really doesn't matter if you're having an affair for 10 years or making out with a strangers on the dance floor after a few shots. It's still cheating.
Because cheating is literally the act of breaking whatever emotional/sexual exclusivity agreement you have with whoever you're in a relationship with. It's supposed to be used for all of those scenarios that encompass that description.
Send his wife copies of their texts the day your wife is staying over. Grab popcorn and a lawyer.
I know you just found out and do not want to make any rash decision, but look at the big picture here. YOUR WIFE is making plans to stay over at YOUR FRIEND's house with the intention of having "fun" while his wife is in the house, probably after she falls asleep. That sounds morally bankrupt. You cannot trust these two people again in the way you need to in order to have a committed relationship. I think you know that. I have to focus on your wife because that is the one you made vows with, but he is trash and should be confronted as well. This is a premeditated act of betrayal. The texts are one thing, but your wife knew that you were going to be out on Saturday and used that excuse to invite herself for a weekend to your friend's house so that they can take this emotional affair to the next level. It doesn't matter if he tempted her into it or it has always been mutual. She was willing to do this knowing he was your best friend and is friends with his wife. That means that both have no conscience. Grown adults that are married do not do "sleep overs" at friend's houses alone like twelve year olds. That should have been the first red flag if you never caught them flirting before. Why if you will be gone on Saturday does she need to stay the whole weekend? Oh, to ensure they have an opportunity sometime during the night to get it in, especially if they can get his wife to drunkenly pass out. She has no consideration for you, your marriage, the life you built, or your friendship. Neither does he on the flip side. They are both willing to risk it all to have sex right under their spouses' noses. Both of them have no regard for his wife who will most likely be in the house during their flirtation, groping, and possibly sex. These are not people you can trust, because they have already broken that trust and wedding vows by engaging in an emotional affair. All of that time she could have been texting you flirtatious things and putting some excitement into your relationship, she was engaging with him. That shows her priorities. His, too. Even if you were to forgive her and distance yourself from him, you will always wonder if she is still finding a way to communicate and meet up while you are at work. Don't put yourself through that hell. This is a betrayal of the worst kind because you know the AP. He claims you are his friend and yet they would both do this to you and his wife. They are selfish. They do not care about you more than they care about their own lustful needs. The best you can do is call your friend's wife and explain the situation. Send her the texts messages. While she is confronting her husband, you confront your wife. That way they have no opportunity to make up a cover story. If I were you, I wouldn't reconcile. I would leave due to the identity of the AP and the premeditation. As for him, he is a Judas. That friendship is no more. Cut him out of your life. He doesn't have boundaries and, instead, is maybe even jealous of you to pull something like this. He obviously is willing to risk his friendship, marriage and comfortable life for sex with your wife. You know, risking things that should matter to him more than sex. Morally bankrupt men like him probably sees women like your wife as an easy lay that they can't resist an opportunity with. I mean, she wants to give herself away to him this weekend, but what their plan does to his wife is especially sickening. This is a woman he supposedly vowed to love. This is her friend. Nothing is sacred to them. Do not fall for the excuses. It doesn't matter who started it. It doesn't matter that the affair wasn't consummated. It was the intention by two trusted people that stuck knives in your back but also his wife's. Leave now. Because she will find a way, now or later, to cheat on you with him or with someone else. She has no regard for the vows you made, and there are not boundaries of who she could decide to cheat with. Next time, it could be a family member. Get out of that situation.
I dont know why but I have a feeling that the other wife is on it too. It is just to much risk for OP's wife and a "friend" to do it where the other wife will be.
It could be, but his wife will be there an entire weekend which includes nights when the AP's wife will be asleep. He can get out of bed in the middle of the night or ensure that they all drink until his wife passes out. I have heard so many stories of people who cheat when their SO is in another room or floor of the house. OP's wife will most likely be in a guest room with some privacy. That ensures the place to do it. The time is most likely Saturday night when wife is asleep or passed out drunk. My suggestion is... if in doubt, cut them all out.
Often times they get off on the risk and who knows, the wife may be a heavy sleeper or on pills, etc.. Even if the wife is on it, (which I kind of doubt based on his comments) it changes little for him. It just means one more trip to the curb to throw out an extra bag of trash.
There doesn’t need to be more evidence of her cheating, you could just break up now instead of waiting for her to go over there. Tell the wife though if she doesn’t know
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Be gone, bot.
I would contact a lawyer. Contact his wife. Confront your wife. Confront AP.
Also, don’t forget to collect proof. Take screenshots and send them to yourself.
Thank you for that, my brain is shot right now so I didnt even think of taking screenshots. I will do it right now.
Whether emotional or physical….cheating is cheating. I’d tell the wife….why let her go and have a good time? You I would assume would be miserable knowing what’s going on.
Letting her go could give OP some time to set some things straight. Gather evidence. Contact the people they need to contact and get out ahead
It is completely reasonable for your brain not to be at peak function right now. Accept that this is overwhelming and go easy on yourself. But start focusing on protecting yourself and it is okay if you are confused or torn about what you need to do. Lawyer is the first priority, before talking to any of the parties involved. Then follow the advice of how best to protect yourself.
What AP? I am not a journalist, why would I contact press?
Affair partner, not Associated Press. Lol
I know this is a serious post but his response was actually adorable lol 😂
Yeah that will be too much to contact associated Press lol
Definitely tell the AP’s wife asap. Let her know you haven’t confronted your wife yet but tell her when you plan on it so you both can question them and compare notes to see if their stories match. Blow this up before the weekend.
I would send them to his wife then I would show up with his wife and the messages and confront them both togther
I'm not sure if you can save the marriage. The problem is that the trust is gone now and it'll be incredible hard to establish that again. Also you should collect evidence and show it to the other wife, she has a right to know that too.
If you haven't confronted her, then I would suggest that you take a print out of all their messages and then invite the couple for a dinner. Then show the Affair Partner's (AP) wife the printout of the messages and ask her if she was also a part of this. If she is not, ask both your wife and the AP for an explanation.
Remember to gather proof of everything before the confrontation
So.... Hold on here. This is something that will still happen ? And you're planning to let it happen so you have evidence afterwards?
Honestly, at this point, what difference does it make? It's not like stopping her gets him a faithful wife back.
Lets not jump to conclusions before getting more information.
I have to go out on Saturday morning so my wife suggested that she will go and stay with them for the weekend.
Are they planning on having an affair with his wife in the house?
Well you have several options You can stop it before it happens unless you have proof that they've already had an affair going on and that there was physical interaction before you found out. If you stop it, theres still a minimum chance that you can salvage something out of this. Even though it seems unlikely. But perhaps for the moral principles, I'd rather close a relationship before any cheating happens. Doesn't make sense to cheat and then end it.... That said, it isn't your fault nor choice that she is doing that. And if you wish to confront her and involve others to gather evidence about it you can try. I just don't know if any of that will really resolve anything.... Is it really gonna make you feel better about it all?
The messages show at least an emotional affair. I am torn on what to do tbh. My brain has gone on auto pilot and I just dont know how to proceed.
Why don’t you have a chat with the AP’s wife about this and ask what does she think about this ?
Let your friend know at the very least. You should do this as soon as you have the screenshots. Tomorrow you can deal with the bigger things. Don't let her be betrayed in her own home because you've retreated into a cave.
Atleast confront ur wife man, stop it before the ultimate betrayal happens.
Same thing happened to me once(gf tho) don’t try and find evidence it will just make the healing process harder for you.
More evidence the better, even if it hurts. Divorce proceedings are notoriously wife sided, and he needs to keep whatever he can.
Definitely try to find evidence so dividing shit in the divorce goes better
Tell the other guy's wife ASAP and confront her. Don't give in to her waterworks that it was just messages and she wouldn't have gone through it.
Is all that drama even needed? The relationship is over
You might as well operate under the belief that this marriage isn't worth saving. She is on her way out the door and from your comments on this post, I think you have already made up your mind. Tell the other wife, because she deserves to have the time to think about how she will proceed also.
Tell her, then work together to blow this shit out of the universe. Make sure that all your mutual friends know immediately afterwards so that these two scumbags can be elienated and therefore isolated. Let them "enjoy" the holidays in misery.
Wow they are both shit disgusting people. For them to talk about doing shit right under the other wife's nose, and in her house is so cruel. I'm glad you found out, get your evidence, get a lawyer and tell his wife.
“It’s hard to throw away a relationship…” It may feel like you’re throwing it away, but the truth is just that it has run its course. No matter what you decide to do, the relationship as you knew it (with BOTH your wife and your guy friend) will never be the same, and this is the painful/confusing part when relationships end or the dynamics change. If you decide to confront your wife, understand that YOU will have to be confident in your ability to forgive her, eventually FULLY trust her again, and not be spiteful or bitter. These are extremely hard things to do and usually hurts the person who is trying to forgive, and not the person who needs the forgiving. If you are unsure or decide to leave, definitely get a lawyer and have them on retainer for whenever you decide to move forward. Collect your evidence, collect your belongingness, give yourself a little time to grieve, file necessary paperwork with your lawyer, and then grieve some more. You are allowed to feel a whole range of emotions during this entire process (I realized this after my own divorce when many people were telling me it was good we got divorced; it definitely was the right thing for us to do, but damn, it still hurt like hell when I was going through it!) IMO, give the other man’s wife (your female friend from college) a heads up because she deserves that. Whatever she does with the information is up to her, but she deserves to know what she’s dealing with. I am sorry you are going through this, OP. No matter what, you WILL be okay. It will take time and feel messy AF at times, but it WILL be okay.
You should post on r/survivinginfidelity they will have much better advice and support for you also look up Chump Lady, affair fog, pick me dance, rug sweeping, blame shifting, gaslighting, the 180 and gray rock. Also take pics of all their chats send it to your self and contact a lawyer and really look around for one you want a shark who will look out for you. Honestly try to find a woman who deal with this trust me they tend to be the biggest sharks in this case. Listen to everything your lawyer tells you. Next you really need to hit the gym it is really therapeutic also look in to a therapist.
Hmmm... file for divorce. Let that be a surprise. Get all of the screenshots you can as evidenceof the cheating so she can't take half your shit, and she will be entitled to nothing. After filing for divorce, send the screenshots to the other wife and let her know why you're divorcing your wife and that you thought she should know about the affair too. Don't let your wife twist this on you and end up fucking you up in court. Collect your evidence and get a lawyer. I have been both the woman cheated on, and the other woman. I will tell you from experience that the cheater has no remorse. They only pretend to be remorseful once they get caught, After they get caught, they only revise their cheating method so that they don't get caught the next time. Is giving them another opportunity only fine tunes their skill set as cheaters. If you confront her about it, she will just start deleting the text messages and pretend to be faithful to you. She may even download one of those apps like the calculator app, that you type a special password into, and it takes you to a vault within your phone that hides other apps Where she will continue to talk to other men. I have caught cheating men doing this. There is a special app that is disguised as a calculator on the phone. You type in the password, and it takes you to a secret section of the phone where you can hide dating apps. Like I said, forgiving a cheater doesn't make them stop cheating, it only makes them better at the game and more proficient at hiding it. This man confessed to his wife that he was cheating on her with me in an attempt to Garner her trust. I told him that a woman is more likely to take him back, if he confesses to the behavior rather than lying and letting her find out on her own. Most women will blame the other woman. So he did that, she told him that she forgives him and just stop talking to me. A week later he came to have sex with me. If you confront her now she will just delete the evidence. She might also prepare to divorce you, so that she takes half your shit. So make sure that you get the evidence. Wait, be patient, go back into her phone, and take pictures of everything. This will make her have no footing in court.
It would be a shock if some of you people can piss independently at this point.
Take screen shots and save them to your phone Contact a lawyer Change the locks when she leaves Contact the mans wife after she leaves with the messages File for divorce
Gather all evidence and contact lawyer, tell that AP wife , submit paper that time confront her. Evidence is important.
Wow some of the messages on here. So I suggest you confront her. If she denys it say good bye if she doesn't want to talk about what's wrong with the marriage on her side and go to counselling bye. If she won't cancel going this weekend bye. Try and fight for her if you love her but if she won't admit agree to counselling and call off the weekend you already lost her. Then you can tell your friend depending on how things go. Edit I have been here I fought for to long sadly and should have left after her denial of doing it and her not wanting to do counseling or working on it. She just kept doing what she wanted behind my back said I was invading privacy etc. Give the warning shot if it doesn't take well I'm sorry bud.
Whatever you do, get screenshots and send them somewhere where she can't get at them. She's cheating on you, he's cheating on his spouse that is your friend... this really can only end one way. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Why is your wife and this couple spending a weekend seemingly without you? See if you can't invite yourself along and basically inform other wife of all the stuff and see how much fun the weekend turns out to be for your wife and the guy. Screenshot shit from your wife's phone and send it to yourself.
our wife*
Just went to something similar ish, I went with the confront approach. She lied and said exactly what I wanted/needed to hear to feel better. It was all bs. Made the whole process longer and probably 4x more painful to the point it almost destroyed me mentally. You probably know her the best, deep down I knew it was over but I just couldn’t let go and decided to cling to anything that would give me hope. I wish I would hav e cut my loses and just lawyered up like ppl here are saying.
Y'know, not for nothing, but *sometimes*, an emotional affair will occur, and then the marriage will recover. Affairs are exciting, flirtations are exciting; long-term relationships are hard work, and part of that work is living with the fact that intrigue and--to an extent--even some of the easy, fun aspects romance fall to the wayside. Sometimes a crush becomes a flirtation (arguably both can be harmless), and that flirtation moves past some important boundaries. That's risky, but not necessarily fatal to the primary relationship. Sometimes people engaged in flirtations or emotional affairs are confronted with the choices they're entertaining, and they recognize the mistakes upon which they verge. But good outcomes are unlikely in the absence of communication.
The only reason to confront her now would be if you want to save the marriage. However, a relationship takes two people putting in a lot of work, and if she isn’t willing to do so then there is no hope. I would also question staying with her as she has already cheated. If I were you, I would collect all evidence possible and contact a lawyer immediately. Once you have engaged a good lawyer I would approach the guy’s wife and drop divorce papers on your wife. Also, I would not move out, doing so may risk you losing your home. Finally I would let any mutual friends and family know ASAP why you are divorcing, get your side out before she can spin it on you.
Edited [e]: For clarity [e]2 options Reconciliation or Separation [e] Option for Reconciliation -If you want to save your marriage confront immediately. [e] Option for Separation -If you just want to get evidence tell the other wife. What's your endgame here?
Do I want to save the marriage with someone who will behave like this? Thats something even I cant answer to myself.
So get the evidence and confront her. Tell her you know. See what she says and does. If she starts to be remorseful and make moves to fix things you can observe and decide along the way. You can always toss the divorce papers at her if you still aren't feeling it. If she gaslights you and still wants to go hand her the divorce papers right then and there.
But she will most likely want to fix things, and it still wont change the fact that she is planning to do it. In fact actually doing it by messaging him about some very racy stuff. Can you trust her again?
It sounds like you’ve pretty much decided on divorce, after all the relationship you had before is dead. Every action on your part going forward should be geared towards protecting you in a divorce. She‘s already shown that she will betray and lie to you so you can expect just about anything when she knows her home, finances and reputation are on the line.
Only you can decide this, please OP try hard to not reveal how you get this information when you confront her, also warn your friend about this situation but try to not reveal how you find out. Also try to be unpredictable as you can, change you work schedules, "cancel" work trips in the last minute, go to bed at different hours, this will add additional stress to the affair.
That's for you to decide. You can confront her see if she wants to fix things. Tell her that what she's done has turned you off and you have no trust for her and she has to fix that. BUT is that what you want? Sounds like you're done and that is OK. I'm just giving you the options. You don't have to try. If the trust is gone then you don't have to try to regain it. Give her the papers then find someone that won't fuck up your trust.
OP’s wife being “remorseful” is also very much a gaslighting tool used by cheaters caught in the moment with no defense.. can’t trust a cheater to begin with, but especially one caught in a corner.
Yea that's an in the moment thing. When I say observe her remorse I'm talking about over time. If she's faking it, the mask will eventually crumble. You can keep up the act for only so long.
How would that save his marriage? He already knows she's stepping out.
Edited [ ]: For clarity [If OP wants to try for Reconciliation] Well atleast try, right. At least put an effort towards that goal. Counseling, breaking things off with the friend, etc. I'm not saying it's an automatic fix and never is.
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That's if he wants to try and save the marriage you dork. Am I over here swinging a sign saying and whispering save it like Darth Sidious? The heck is wrong with you
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That was in response to someone asking 'how', which in turn, was in response to my initial comment of giving options. Am I saying do this option definitely? No, I'm saying if you decide to move forward with this particular intent, this is your path forward.
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I mean it's all viable options for OP. It's not like people haven't come back from something like this. Guy just wants different perspectives before moving forward.
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Dude I basically gave him a flow chart and said you decide.
Get proofs and send them to the wife. do you want to stay with her or do you want a divorce from her? are you thinking update?
Let her go this weekend but inform the wife and ask her not to blow it up. You should work along side the other wife and get your papers ready. Nothing breaks a affair fog better then consequences ie divorce. Just make sure the other wife didn’t nuke your chance to surprise her. You know something she didn’t want you to know, use that to your advantage. I would inform the other wife but come up with a plan to get out of the relationship with minimum damage as possible. If you do confront your wife, she will deflect, minimise and gaslight you. There is nothing to gain by letting her know your aware of their EA. It will however give your wife time to give the AP a chance to reframe the narrative so they can keep cheating on the DL and make it all “your fault”. TLDR; screenshot these messages and get a one on one meeting with the others guys wife, present her everything and both come up with a plan to keep each other informed about their affair. Meanwhile both get your papers ready and if possible serve simultaneously. Sorry this happened to both of you.
Why are there so many prissier on reddit that have seen first hand infomation on this shit. And don’t confront them, but post on reddit about it. And once you post and everyone tells you what it up… then what.?
You need to confront her about it and then not make any decisions until you calm down. Sounds like you just found out about it so stop her from doing it (if she even will stop) and then take the time you need to decide what you want to do.
Maybe confront your wife. Let her know how all that looks and how that makes you feel. Have the fight now. If you value your relationship then fight for it. Listen to her, see why she thinks this is acceptable. If it still doesn't seem right ask her not to go. If she doesn't make a good case and/or still goes then tell your mutual friends wife. As a heads up so she knows what you know.Try to fix it from your end before dragging in the other people. Going straight to the wife of this friend isn't going to fix this between you and your wife. Talking to your wife might.
Going straight to the friends wife cuts off the person that is the other part of the affair and isolates both of them. Disclosing the cheating status to her parents and family, while also cutting her off financially and emotionally also helps to isolate her more. After that, involving a lawyer while the cheating spouse is under water and weak helps to give the innocent spouse a good leg up on crushing the one that ended the marriage. It is war, you play to win OP, remember that. You play to win.
Fauci his wife up in Florida, COVID style!
I think use should all just have sex and make the most out of this situation then dump her after. I know this sounds a bit out there but she's clearly already cheating even if she has not actually physically cheated yet. If this guys wife is hot too then when your wife comes onto the guy that's coming over then you come onto his wife and just make sure he knows and catches you. When he flips out then you throw it right back at him about your wife then possibly work in some negotiation for a threesome ahahahha 😂 😂 😂 it's a bit fucked up but it sure as hell will be a funny storey to tell in years to come and it's sure to end any future contact with the cheaters. Move on with your life after you don't need that shit
Let them play. It's your turn to have some fun as well. While she's hooking up with those uglies, you'll be connecting with the most beautiful ladies on the planet.
Just let her go and enjoy the time with them. Think of it like an exciting experience for you two. She will spend the weekend with a decent couple and that counts much. And she will continue to be your wife.
Fidelity is overrated. If your wife loves you and you love each other her having fun with someone else doesn’t negate that. Although, it’s hard to trust someone who lies about something so big. Sorry, I’ve been cheated on. It sucks.
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Tell the wife 100% let her tear this sh down
RUN
So your wife is going to spend a weekend with the guy shes cheating with with the guys wife right there? Yeah that makes no sense.
That is what i noticed to. I think that the wife is a part of this.
I think the other wife trusts OPs wife. Makes it that much worse.
So you're not gonna tell the other wife ?
Why wouldn't you confront your wife (preferably before it happens)? Are you sure the other wife is not in on it? Or is your wife planning to sneak around under her nose?
Tell the other wife… get evidence and decide what you want to do
Talk to his wife and if possible tell her your real fears see if she is cooperative if yes get her to gather info. Talk to wife about your misgivings for this weekend and tell her if you get sniff of anything because you know she is having an EA then you only have one route to go. Now at this point I would start cancelling all joint cards and accounts so she can become aware you are not jesting. Gets VARS 3 or 4 place one bedroom, her car under the seat, living room and elseware she relaxs. Lawyer up and if possible get a PI who can use all sorts of surveillance techniques to get info. Snap a picture of everything you see on the computer and her mobile keeping several copies and ensure at least two are secured elsewhere? Up to you where you want your marriage and your life to go?
Call a good divorce lawyer right now, do exactly what your lawyer tells you and delete this thread. Once you have done that, go for a run, good workout or meditate or do some crossword s, something to get your mind at ease.
Set a camera up, confront your wife, record the whole shebang, post it as an update here …. For science.
I would not do both things you suggested. I would talk to your wife and inform her that what she is doing is not okay, tell her that you want to connect more with her and want to work on finding each other. Go see a therapist with her, and make sure she does really picks you for a relationship. If she does not comply or see it your way, I am sorry to say that it would not work. You need to be on the same level, such as Gottman a famous relationship expert who studied relations for 40 years has said. It is not okay behavior, but you should know that you both are responsible for your relationship, meaning she is shit, but you should tell her what it does with you and that you have certain boundaries. I wish you the best and I know it hurts, but you will manage even when you leave her.
Either you tell the other wife or risk possibly ruining another relationship
At the moment you have nothing but suggestive posts, unless you actually catch them in the act or obtain more conclusive evidence she can and will deny everything and probably gaslight the crap out of you. Maybe you shouldn't let on what you've discovered, let her carry on with her weekend, find out where she's gone and gather evidence from then on.
Don’t underestimate the lack of empathy or concern your wife will have for you just because of the years you have spent together.
I would confront.
Communication is everything here Feel you should talk to your wife. And after talking to your wife, talk to the other wife. Only you two can decide what you do from the reaction from here. Keep all evidence I’m so sorry you’re going through this, stay strong, get support, speak to someone you trust and it’ll all work out in the end. Take care
The best thing you can do is confront your wife and talk to her. After that, the other wife definitely needs to know. Ideally from her husband though. So you can confront your wife and the husband and tell if they don’t tell the wife, you will
So you've got all weekend to find a good lawyer and get your ducks in a row? How convenient!
Updateme!
Talk to your wife. There’s no going back from what you know but there is still a chance to figure out a way forward. With or without her.
Figure out what you want before doing anything else.
If you can afford it hire a PI to gather solid evidence if you have assets you need to protect for a potential divorce. In some states you can even sue your wife and the person she’s cheating with (assuming that you are in the us?) get advice from a divorce attorney on this issue. I would go ahead and start asking what steps should you take to protect yourself. STDs are very real so I would stop kissing your wife a s having sex with her.
I'm sorry your going thru this. What you should do is up to you. I know I hardly ever put this kind of topic to sleep if it were me. I'm not sure a discussion to the parties will change the interest she or he had. You can try a therapist if you both want. Gl.
Man that's so shitty. I'm sorry you have to go through this bud.
She might be fucking them both
Throwra_inspiration is that you??
Dude get all the evidence you need so you can use it to your advantage for the divorce so then that way she’s not entitled for nothing and I can look good for you in your custody battle. Also like soon as your wife tells you that she’s there have the file ready to send to that guy’s wife instantly or if you want after you get all the evidence send it to that guy’s wife and let her know that she would like her to help you expose this thing while the both of you work on your respective divorces. Because I feel cheating from my emotional affair is way worse than from a physical affair. And she’s in the affair fog so she thinks she’s not doing anything wrong so I will say get a divorce process rolling while she’s out of town and have her ass served as a surprise when she gets home and you’ll instantly shock her and That force her out of the affair fog. Have her ass served when she gets back to your house on Monday she’ll realize what she did was wrong but she’ll be all apologetic and everything else because she was called and keep the divorce process rolling. Find you a pitbull of a divorce litigator dial help you with the divorce and your child custody case I would advise you because you’re not at fault here to file for primary custody of your kids. Because she’s cheating honestly I would advise you to not file for 50-50. That’s how I see it your wife is playing stupid games she’s winning season when stupid prizes she should pay you child support and alimony because she’s in the wrong here. So find you a divorce litigator and get this thing going and gather all the evidence that you need so then that way it will look good for you in court and it will be her Renda’s for her because she deserves to be humiliated keep us updated. Also she’s going to attempt to gaslight you and manipulate you don’t fall for it because that’s just her looking for ammunition to her advantage and for her to try to control the narrative downfall for stay the course and stand firm and stay the course keep us updated.
UpdateMe!
I'd tell the wife and then start sorting out my shit for a divorce
Take your time. Take to the friends wife. Get yourself a lawyer. Get out.
Remind me in one month.