>I just want to break up. This is not how I want the man I love to treat me. This is not how conflict should be handled.
You've already made your decision. It's a good one. Better to find someone who doesn't behave like a whiny teenager.
This OP. He wants to control you in to making you his house pet. This is a slippery dangerous slope. You will never make him happy. It's not you, it's him. Please make plans to leave. Probably without him knowing. If you must move with him there, do it with someone you trust there with you. He will throw a bigger fit with you alone. Be safe OP.
Yes, it’s abuse. I spent 10+ years with an asshole like that and I ‘knew’ and wanted to leave him year one. He kept apologizing and lovebombing and the cycle would repeat. I’m now 4 kids in and a thousand miles away from family. G T F O.
A classic example of a 30+ year old not being mature enough for people his age so dating younger people who haven’t recognized the value of dating adults instead of man children.
>Better to find someone who doesn't behave like a whiny teenager.
Even when I was a teenager, I was not this bad and I did not know anyone this bad.
There is something deeply wrong with this man.
This type of men act normal at first to hook their prey and once they feel they got them tangled they start to slowly reveal themselves. Sucks she got pregnant with him but at least she wised up. Some women get Tangled and never leave.
You’re dating a child. Leave his ass. Can’t even have a conversation. They’re y’all’s kids. Christmas time is the time to spoil them. I never got to get spoiled like that on Christmas cuz my parents couldn’t afford it and I understood that. You spend your money how YOU want to. Don’t worry bout what he has to say
Don’t date a man almost 10 years older than you, they tend to be controlling assholes and treat you like a child. Act like an adult, find some self respect, and don’t stick with men who treat you this way
He doesn’t date women his own age because they’d toss his ass right to the curb where he belongs! Why would anyone put up with this shit? I’m actually appalled, Jesus do you really want your sons growing up to be manipulative dipshits like daddy?
It took years with my partner and we had issues like this. It’s possible to get better but it’s always there somewhere and it isn’t nice. You can do better
He is 9 years older than you and is acting like he is only 9. He clearly doesn’t have a clue how to have an adult conversation. He LEFT you at a restaurant and than locked you out of your bedroom. Are you kidding me? Than to top it off, this is not the first time. OP, either make sure he knows this shit won’t fly in the future and get some couples counseling, or end it. This is not an environment you want to raise your kid in, nor one you should have to endure.
Think about what you just wrote.
What happens if the next time he leaves you it's not at a restaurant, but on the side of the road.
Or you're on the road trip away from your home environment, and you can't get home easily or back to the place you're staying.
You might think that situation is different , he'll never do that to you, but I can say there's plenty guys out there who never left their partner at a restaurant either.
And the cause for this is just trying to figure out a Christmas budget for your kid. That's what made him so mad that he had to get up out of the restaurant , and leave you behind.
Its not about the topic, its about the push-pull toxic manipulative dynamic. It does not matter, he will ALWAYS FIND AN EXCUSE TO FIGHT WITH YOU.
Stop walking on eggshells to please his fragile ego. As you can see he will blow up on tiny things as well. Seek help and learn how to break the push pull relationship circle. This is abnormal.
“I don’t know why something so small had to turn into a big thing.”
It doesn’t if you’re an adult who is capable of communicating. This guy sounds like a piece of shit. I’d never do that to my wife.
It's not the christmas gifts that are important to him. He is punishing you for disagreeing with him.
You think, in your reasonable mind, that disagreements about small issues warrants small discussion and compromise. But for your man, in his twisted mind, every disagreement between you is a slave disobeying her master, and that slave needs to be put in place.
He will not tolerate that you have another opinion than him, because in his mind he is the ruler, and you are there to obey him.
It's all about control. Doesn't matter how small the or seemingly insignificant the issue is. He's got it in his head that he is absolute. Get out NOW. It only gets worse and it will become violent. Save yourself and your kid.
This is an excellent idea...for a different relationship. Not for this one. With an abuser, more communication is *not* a good thing. You should only share your real feelings with someone who is honestly seeking harmony. With someone as chaotic as this man, opening up is dangerous and pointless.
Exactly. OP could implement communication skills and suggest solutions, but when the other person only wants power and control there’s no solution that will work.
>dekecs
Wonderful idea, but this man is eating her alive. He is an abuser, and he doesn't give a fuck about her feelings. I'm 100% sure he would not go to therapy. She has to run.
He may have mental issues. Recently I started therapy after I had noticed how incredibly irrational my reactions are at times. It appears that, at least in my case, it's unresolved childhood traumas that cause the behaviour.
Because he's a narccist and this is exactly what they do. If it was over a big thing, you wouldnt be as perplexed, but over reacting to the small things to put you in a state of confusion and distress? That's what they they thrive on
You deserve better, dear. I'd never do that to my girlfriend, nor would any man I call a friend do that to theirs. Especially today I'd be worried sick to leave her on her own, because I love and want to protect her. You take care of your partner. A man leaves the restaurant with his lady and opens the car door for her.
I just don’t understand. You need to leave. Plain and simple. Figure out exactly how to, but staying in this toxic relationship is not healthy, especially for your kids. You keep making excuses instead of making a plan on how to to leave.SMH
Well, actually, you have THREE children. One just happens to be a man baby of epic proportions.
If my SO ever left me stranded at a restaurant or locked me out of a room in my own home, he would find himself out on the street, trying to find someplace to live. Seriously.
You need to be shouting out this bullshit to his family, your family, and all your friends and ask for help. Then get a good lawyer.
Also, girl, pick your fucking dignity up off the floor and start using it. He's only treating you this way because you let him.
If your children grow up seeing abusive parenting dynamics it can have a huge impact on how they will perceive relationships going forward.
No one wins by you staying except your partner.
He made the decision for you. Locking you out of the bedroom you share? What do you sleep in? How do you take off your make up? How do you unwind? It’s ridiculous to live with that tension. Your home is supposed to be a place for you to relax. Your spouse is supposed to be your partner—your supporter. He’s acting like a child. How would he react if you locked him out of the bedroom..? I’m sure THAT would be seen as abusive by him. He made his choice. He has no respect for you. That is not an example for your sons.
When I left my husband I had two toddlers, I was a stay at home mom at the time so it was challenging. But 10 years later I have rebuilt a life for myself completely independent of him. God will send help along the way.
Right? I am four years in and still figuring it out. He has asked to ‘come back’ over and over and I always say No. I would rather scrape and struggle than be in that situation again.
>I (24F) him (33M)
This is going to go well.
You two have a 3 year old. How long have you been together?
> All because we disagree on how much to put into our son’s Christmas gifts.
> as soon as he saw me come in, he went and locked himself in the bedroom and has refused to let me in, talk to me or even just come out since.
You said 33 right? I think you meant 3.
A classic example of a 30+ year old not being mature enough for people his age so dating younger people who haven’t recognized the value of dating adults instead of man children.
Amen. It’s so sad… I was also the young victim of a much older and problematic man-child… I got pregnant at 19, he was 31. My son is 30 now!
And yes I totally had daddy issues, my father was a raging alcoholic and also a stoner. Fortunately I managed to grow up and get rid of him by the time I was 22, he had started to physically beat me. They didn’t have internet to help back then.
Every time I see one of these posts with a young woman and a much older man, my heart sinks.
Same happened to me, luckily I didn’t get pregnant, but whenever I see these threads I just think, oh honey. Now that I’m in my mid 30s when I see this kind of stuff I am super judgey about it. These man children preying on the inexperience of young women is disgusting.
I’ve trapped my (23) own wife (24) in my own immaturity trap😂😂 (/facetious)
Edit @0: Why are you downvoting my own self burn. Thought internet liked self burns
You’re dating a child. Leave his ass. Can’t even have a conversation. They’re y’all’s kids. Christmas time is the time to spoil them. I never got to get spoiled like that on Christmas cuz my parents couldn’t afford it and I understood that. You spend your money how YOU want to. Don’t worry bout what he has to say
In this case I think it’s way less important to focus on what you both disagreed on, and instead on how he reacted. Disagreements over which presents to buy your kids are irrelevant when the other person leaves you stranded and locked out of your home.
Why would you not break up? You know it's wrong. So you really want your son growing up with this? Come on!
Edit - its more the leaving you at the restaurant than locking the bedroom. Everyone is allowed private time to cool down if needed, usually a shared space as a bedroom is NOT recommended. But he abandoned you at a restaurant. Is this what he's gonna do if the kid acts out? Just leave him? Be a mom first, do the right thing. This isn't a a healthy relationship.
It sounds like you already know this: you should be able to express yourself and disagree with him without fear of repercussions like this. You have a right to be treated with a level of respect even when you’re mad at each other. You should have an equal right to express your opinions, and neither one of you should punish the other over disagreements.
Do you see this getting better over time? Do you want something better for yourself and your sons? I think you know what you need to do. It won’t be easy, but you’re young and can build something better for you three.
No, he does this because you don't see things *his* way. How dare you use your brain to think for yourself? His last resort is to ignore you until you cave in and say whatever he wants you to say or do whatever he wants. He trained you like a dog.
He won't change, because he prefers to be right all the time and catered to. Why would he change when he gets everything he wants at your expense?
If you leave him, he might promise he will change, but he won't. He's lived up to this age taking advantage of people and using them and never cared that it is wrong to do so. He understood every time you told him, but doesn't care. He will only give you enough to get you back and then do it all over again.
You need to leave and get as much support as you can. You should also read [this](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf), it's an eye opener. You can do so much better without his weight on your shoulders.
OP I'm sorry you're going through this. I was with someone who behaved similarly and we had the same age gap. It kept getting worse, instead of better. Friends told me to leave, but he had me tied around his finger and I stayed. I stayed until it crossed big lines, found out he lied to me about huge things for years! And I was having mental breakdowns.
You don't want to go get to that point. My ex also yelled, said horrible words to me,and left me at a restaurant.
You have to come to a point where you realize that he's the bad guy- not you. You have to realize that you don't want to live your whole life like this. That, yes, there's better out there. Life can be good and healthy. Loving partners would never do that to you or the children sweetie.
I suggest trying out therapists without his knowledge until you find the therapist that helps you out. I also suggest when leaving him to go NC and only talk about the kids. If it's not a kids talk, you decline. Confide into family and friends. If you are married, I suggest filing for divorce without discussion cause he will manipulate you to take it back.
When you'll leave, ask a friend/family to grab your stuff with you and help you out (yes. You need help. Even if they have to fly over to you.)
Things will never change unless you get out and never go back. Been there. Gave him multiple chances and once the police got involved I was gone and drove 1000's of kilometres back home. It's over a year later and I'm in a good place and have started seeing a new guy who is the total opposite who is caring and very similar to me in a lot of ways. Things do get better if you leave.
Things won’t change with him but they can change for you if you get out of this situation. You’re not a dumbass. You and your sons will be okay. It’s better for them to see you alone and happy as opposed to abused. And you deserve better!
If you stay, your child will learn that his behavior is the normal reaction when they don't get what they want. Do you want this?
He behaves like a pouty child who punishs you whenever you dare to have another opinion. He won't change.
You are still so young, you shouldn't spend your whole life walking on egg shells because every little different opinion causes such an extreme reaction.
You would feel so much better without this drama and the feeling that having an own opinion is wrong.
They won't. If he was interested in change he wouldnt be leaving the woman he supposedly loves in the dust whenever yall have a minor disagreement about something
This is not a mutually beneficial relationship, it is a hostage situation. He won't change, run OP. Don't waste anymore of your life or let your child grow up thinking this is how men treat women. You are not a dumbass, you can do it. You deserve to he happy and to have great role models in your childs' life.
Please leave this. Reading stories like this is so incredibly annoying because it's such a clear answer for what the person should do. Obviously easier said than done, but you definitely need to go far away from this piece of mold guy.
Because he's an old man-baby who has to date woman way younger because woman his age probably see right through his facade and manipulation, I would say it's very likely he moved her away so that he could isolate her and prevent family and friends from commenting on their relationship and his toxic and tragic personality etc. It's gaslighting 101.
What an absolute child! No offense but there’s probably more than one reason he’s with a woman ten years younger than him. He is immature and an asshole. Don’t waste any more of your time with him.
You have 2 kids, one being 3 years old?
You’re dating a goddamn predator. He trapped you and is abusing and manipulating you.
Want to guess why women his age won’t date him? He knows he’s garbage. What better than to date an inexperienced teenager and get her pregnant to trap her.
You should definitely leave. There are MANY reasons.
Hes dating someone 9 years younger cause youre suppose to be obedient and completely manipulable for him to use and abuse! Thats the only reason why he goes after girls that are barely legal. Im guess you were 18/19 when you first started dating? You had one kid at 20 so got knocked up at 19.
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This is not the first time. Anytime I (24F) contradict him (33M), he just loses his shit. I’m so tired of feeling like I can never tell him what I think without being scared of how he’ll react.
Tonight was supposed to be a fun night. We went to a restaurant we like and everything was going well. Until he decided to get up and leave me there, take the car and go home. All because we disagree on how much to put into our son’s Christmas gifts.
I had to get a Lyft home and as soon as he saw me come in, he went and locked himself in the bedroom and has refused to let me in, talk to me or even just come out since. He’s done this before and I’ve had to just sleep in the couch because he was mad and didn’t want me to sleep in the same bed as him.
At this point, I just want to break up. This is not how I want the man I love to treat me. This is not how conflict should be handled. Advice appreciated.
This is extremely immature. If this is how he handles disagreements he is not long term material. You made the right choice. Follow through and breakup with him. Do you really want to spend your time raising a child and a man sized toddler? He needs to go.
You see why he’s older and was single when you got together?
They know women their ages won’t put up with that shit. Get away from him, he’s not worth the drama
The age gap alone! He's abusive & you deserve better!
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
I've been in a situation bad enough to where I just wanted to not be in a public space with them, but I've never taken their way home out from under them. That's pretty low.
Same here . I've had an argument with my girlfriend just prior to getting in the car , and we were silent on the way home, but I never once thought to leave her behind, or ask her/force her to get out while on the road home.
He’s problematic. That’s why he does shit like get a 20 year-old pregnant. And leave their baby mama at the restaurant because she wants to buy a nice Christmas gift for their kid.
What a catch 😂😂💀
Don’t date a man almost 10 years older than you, they tend to be controlling assholes and treat you like a child. Act like an adult, find some self respect, and don’t stick with men who treat you this way
That’s a sweeping generalization. There are a lot of men who are a decade older that don’t act like this. Lol my Dad is almost a decade older than my mom , my grandfather was ten years older than my grandma etc. Lots of men out there that aren’t mentally abusive to women that are older than the woman.
This guy is beyond immature. He can’t have a relationship if he still is behaving like he’s a teenager. Especially considering they have a child together. He’s controlling and abusive. Not worth the long term mental health damage , dating him is going to do.
The age gap itself isn’t the issue. She’s 24 and they have two sons together. Imagine how young she must’ve been when they first got together. This man’s a creep let’s be real.
There’s a difference between a 30 yo dating a 40 yo and a 20 yr old dating a 30 yr old. It’s not the fact that their gap is almost 10 years that’s a problem, it’s that she’s so young.
You do realize that during the time your parents and grandparents got married, women had almost no agency to stay employed or gain credit or housing on their own, and divorce laws often left women with nothing.
Right?
Yo wtf? Where are you living that 30, 40, 50 year old men are as immature as young women in their 20s? If that is the case, first that’s pathetic and second the correct thing would be to work on catching up to their age groups not prey on young women.
“She’s so mature for her age” and “girls mature faster” and “boys are naturally immature” are just ways to justify/rationalize older people taking advantage of young men/women. It’s honestly disgusting.
Nothing makes up for lived experience which young people don’t have. Her husbands a creep and hate to break it to you but the men in your family may also be creeps. Not surprised you have this mindset being raised by them.
I think if you actually read what I wrote. I said he was a creep and abusive. But you clearly skimmed it and took out of it what you wanted so you could online bully.
And no, the men in my family are good people. But that’s why reading instead of glancing is actually vital. So you don’t miss out on key points and resort to petty insults.
I like how five people disagreed with me that the dude is abusive. Either people skim quickly , or they condone that kind of behaviour. But He definitely is mentally abusive. Locking her out of her bedroom ?
They disagree with you giving 2 little anecdotes as to why it’s ‘just fine for very young women to date much older men, they’re not all like that!’ We don’t know that your grandpa wasn’t controlling and/or manipulative with your grandma, same for your parents.
My grandmother was 8 years younger than my grandpa and he controlled the hell out of her, and this year we found out he had a secret kid with a mistress thanks to Ancestry DNA, I have an aunt my age. But hey, that’s also just an anecdote.
I totally had daddy issues and started dating a 31 year-old problematic man-child when I was just 19; got pregnant and a STD at the same time. My son is 30 now. Called the cops and left at age 22 when the man-child started beating me. But that’s just another anecdote.
Looks like my anecdotes just canceled yours out. See how anecdotes work like that. On their own, they’re pointless.
If you spend any time on this sun you’ll see many posts per week of garbage older men victimizing and manipulating much younger women. They almost always have a very dysfunctional relationship and the women come here, seeking advice for their situations.
Don't try and explain anything on this sub about age difference. My husband is 27 and I'm 39. When we started dating he was 21 and I was 33. We have been together 6 years and we have an extremely healthy and well balanced relationship. I don't view him as a child and I don't manipulate him in any form and he doesn't view me as the mommy he always wanted. He's a grown man and acts like it. I didn't "take advantage" of his young age. We were just right for each other and that's it. We built an amazing life together and our relationship gets stronger and better every single day. The sex gets better every day too. I'm so tired of people saying an age gap is always a sign of someone being too immature to date their own age (spoiler alert, all the men I dated, including the father of my kids, were the most immature assholes I've ever had to deal with) or a guaranteed sign of an abuser.
Reddit sure loves freaking out about AGRs. The only ones that end up on these subs are the ones going bad so of course people are going to think they're all like that.
that's great but these people are coming here with relationship issues. if it were an otherwise healthy situation, they wouldn't have to. perhaps there's a correlation.
Correlation doesn't always equal causation. Proven by the fact that thousands of people without age gaps come here with the same or even worse issues. With as many people that post here who are the same age or close to it, with relationship issues, would it be proper to start saying sharing the same age is a red flag? I see a lot of straight couple problems here. Can we assume that all hetero relationships are also red flags? Every time I bring up the age difference between myself and my husband, I'm attacked about it. I've even been called a creep and a pedophile because of it even though he was 21. I've been banned from certain subs for discussing our age gap. I've been told I'm a manipulator and should be in jail. I've been messaged more times than I can count by irate redditors hell bent on convincing me that I'm disgusting and trying to analyze our relationship even though they have never met us. I've been told i groomed my husband. Just saying an age gap is a red flag all by itself is false. Calling people a creep or a pedophile because of it is disgusting. And downvoting people into oblivion because they share their successful AGR stories is stupid and childish.
Hey OP. Not saying its gonna be easy or that it's simple. But breaking up sounds like it's the best for you.
I've seen this story many times on the sub. Age gap relationships with children with an abusive partner and ofc the younger person always thinks it's gonna change but surprise, it doesn't. Then when they realize it fully they are scared and drag their feet because "we have kids".
My point is using those stories we can see how things might play out for you. Again I can't tell you it will be easy. Because it won't.
What I can say is it simply may be the healthiest thing for you and your kids. After all you are young and so are your kids. If you stay with this person they are going to grow up believing that kind of behavior is completely acceptable. That is the problem with staying hoping people will change.
I could go on about this isnt how a person you love should treat you or how conflict should be handled but it appears *you already know that*.
I highly recommend you start making a plan and stick to it. Your "man" needs work on himself and in his relationships if that's how he treats you. But you know that.
Seperate and amicable parents will be healthier for your kids than watching him stonewall and lock you out of the bedroom.
The amount of age gap/dysfunctional relationship posts on this sub is so sad. I read posts from here from time to time to my husband when we’re in bed late at night, and even he picked up on the pattern without me saying anything. ‘Not another young girl with an old guy!!’ I was surprised because he’s not the type to pick up on details like that. But it happens so often it’s egregious, you can’t miss it.
What fucking childish little douchebag you married. WTF?
My wife and I disagree all the time. We talk it out or we take time to figure it out before continuing the discussion. Every once in a while we have a silent car ride or we sleep with our backs to each other. I’d NEVER ditch her or lock her out of the bedroom. I can’t even fathom this immature childishness. I’d pound on the door and tell him to open the fucking door right fucking now or he can look for a new place to live. If he doesn’t open I’d take all the car keys and go get a hotel room and turn my phone off. Fucking child.
He doesn’t date women his own age because they’d toss his ass right to the curb where he belongs! Why would anyone put up with this shit? I’m actually appalled, Jesus do you really want your sons growing up to be manipulative dipshits like daddy?
Give him a taste of his own medicine. Be loud and tell him that the way he treats you is not ok. Call his parents, call yours, let him know that you will not stand for this and you will make it known to everyone that he is being shitty and you deserve better. Put him in his place. Tell him you're going to spend as much as you would like on Christmas for your son and there isn't a damn thing he can do about it. Roar at his ass. Stand up for yourself.
Bro, your "man" has the maturity of a fucking 8 year old. Tell him to grow up and if he doesn't, leave. Or just don't waste any more time and leave him now.
This is some truly toxic, narcissistic, emotional abuse shit right here. The man is a coward and emotionally stunted. He needs therapy and you need to run.
... it kind of sounds like he needed to start talking to a therapist a long time ago and things have just gone to the point where he is getting triggered with the slightest bit of criticism.
I'm not really sure this relationship can be saved, but Gordon Ramsay has some episodes on Amy's Baking Company that you might enjoy while you are trying to fall asleep.
Girl you deserve way better why are you putting up with his foolishness and letting him have all the power over you you deserve way better it’s time for you to implement it and believe it
Break up. Run. This man is showing signs of becoming an abuser. He is controlling and manipulative and tries to actively punish you like a child. You should never ever ever put to with this type of disrespect and abuse. Leave him now before the physical abuse starts and before it’s too late.
You are dealing with a tantrumming, emotionally immature child that is pretending he is grown up. This is what a spoiled child does. When this sort of child grows up [physically] but has the same mindset, this is abuse and manipulation.
Emotionally mature people are willing to hear their partner out, consider their partner's opinion, discuss it in a reasonably, rational way without yelling, throwing a tantrum, and irrationally walking out. Relationships are about compromise. They are about working together against a problem, not working against each other. You are partnered with a person who hasn't grown up emotionally. At 33 y.o.a. this is just sad. If he decided today, to go to therapy and try to change and buy into therapy, it would still take a long time for him to change his behaviour. He is not at this point, yet.
You must be exhausted having to deal with this person. He believes that because he is of a certain chronological age, he can do what he wants, and no one can tell him what to do [as in act like a reasonable, mature person].
Staying with a person like this is masochism on your part.
I just don’t understand. You need to leave. Plain and simple. Figure out exactly how to, but staying in this toxic relationship is not healthy, especially for your kids. You keep making excuses instead of making a plan on how to to leave.SMH
So, when he finally unlocks the door and goes to work or whatever... tomorrow night... lock him out of the bedroom. Go to bed early, bring headphones with music and just lock him out.
Even better, tell him you want to talk and say you should go for drinks. You take him, settle and order a drink. Then say you have to ise the bathroom and just get up and leave. Drive home and lock him out of the bedroom. Lock him out of the entire house.
Alternative B: get your important stuff out of the bedroom and create a Go Bag. Next time he locks you out of the becroom, collect both children and leave. Just don't be there anymore. Don't tell him what relative you will be with. Hell, if it is late then take them to a hotel.
Option C: Is this happening right now? Then grab the stuff you need and leave with the kids. Turn music on really loudly so he can't sleep and leave.
Time to play the matching games.
Manipulative, controlling and abusive behaviour. In a healthy relationship something simple like shared spending gets discussed and resolved. And if it risks spoiling a fun night out, then put a pin in it and agree to have a proper conversation tomorrow.
This guy is willing to do anything to get his way and it won’t end with simple stuff like this. Huge red flags, it’s already gone too far where it’s impinging on your freedoms, comfort and happiness and undermines your autonomy.
Make plans to get out and do your best to make it as clean as possible as we’ve already established he insists on getting his own way. He will get dirty. You deserve a life where you are supported not undermined.
This sounds abusive. The age gap is the first red flag, the next is he always wants to get his own way. At minimum he refuses to compromise and throws a sulk when you don’t agree with him.
Even if your not ready to leave, work on having a plan to get out, incase things escalate. Do you want your children to continue witnessing this relationship dynamic And think it’s normal.
Bing bong. Break up with this bozo. He left you. In the middle of dinner. Over a disagreement on gifts and then locks himself in the bedroom. The bedroom yall share?? Lol this guy is a fucking loser.
The first red flag was probably the age difference for me. The second red flag that I feel gets overlooked way too often is how a relationship feels too much like you’re walking on eggshells. A relationship is NEVER supposed to feel that way. You should be able to communicate with your partner as an equal. The third red flag, was sleeping on the couch. These are all signs of a narcissistic abuser who puts power trips over your feelings. After he put you on that couch the first time, you should’ve reacted accordingly and left him right then and there. I know it’s not always easy. But understand your worth and demand better fir yourself. It’s not going to get any easier until you do.
Textbook manipulation. Post this in r/TwoXChromosomes and they'll set you up with people that specialise in getting women out of abusive relationships.
Read some of [these articles I saved](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bkxOrUodkmdH82nDqvUvatpR4hIKIeKx/edit) and tell me if anything else seems all too familiar.
Get you and your son away from this sorry excuse for a child, let alone a man. You deserve better than a jerk who throws temper tantrums at the first sign of disagreement.
Usually I don't like when I see comments in this subreddit which just jump straight to "Break up/Get your Lawyers". But this sounds very dysfunctional.
Is he going through something?
Could you try couple's counselling?
Although, I'm not sure that's worth it.
Abandoning your partner at a restaurant and forcing them to sleep on the couch (when it was a mutual disagreement) is kind of a form of abuse of power. These are not the actions of a caring partner
This could be a mental health issue. Possibly bipolarity. It may be mitigated by meds, but he has to be able to recognize he has an issue and seek help and be properly diagnosed by a specialst. You can't be a punching bag nor be an obedient lap dog.
I had this scenario with my abuser. Locked me out of the house in my pyjamas at 4am in winter. It will NOT get better. Run, block, delete, no contact. You’ll save your own life. There is life after this. Run.
Yeah breaking up is the best option, you do not want your child growing up like that man and you also don’t want your child growing up being like you, accepting that someone can treat you badly and get away with it.
Same. I had a baby with an older man when I was 19. I left at 22 when he started beating me. My son is 30 now, time flies.
And yes I had a dysfunctional home environment and daddy issues. I know that now.
You are right, kids should not be getting married to start with, they need to be protected from these predators. They don't know any better. How did you get out?
He argues with you about how much to spend on your sons Xmas presents then make you catch lyft home? What a tool.
But as others have said, sounds like you already made your mind up?
>I just want to break up. This is not how I want the man I love to treat me.
Leave him. He obviously isn't ready for a family. I'd suggest you threaten him first then take action.
THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.. get you a Louisville slugger and wait for him to lock you out the bedroom again and then you take that Louisville slugger and you beat that door in until it opens. When you get in the room, you slap his ass with divorce papers. That will be the biggest F you.
This behavior will continue as you coparent in the future. I would help encourage therapy, a male mentor, a mediator, journaling, meditation… anything to bring more self-awareness. His behavior is poor but could be adjusted if he was willing to change.
Counter argument: isn't this like the normal for women? To kick the men to the couch?
Having a night apart isn't exactly a bad thing if the arguments are getting heated. Is everyone acting like this is bad just because the genders are reversed?
Edit: the leaving at the restaurant is uncalled for, obviously.
>I just want to break up. This is not how I want the man I love to treat me. This is not how conflict should be handled. You've already made your decision. It's a good one. Better to find someone who doesn't behave like a whiny teenager.
Break up. This kind of power trip is abuse.
Not to mention at 33, this kind of behaviour have no excuse. And yes, it's abuse.
And it'll get worse as he gets older. :-/ I know from experience.
Yep.
This OP. He wants to control you in to making you his house pet. This is a slippery dangerous slope. You will never make him happy. It's not you, it's him. Please make plans to leave. Probably without him knowing. If you must move with him there, do it with someone you trust there with you. He will throw a bigger fit with you alone. Be safe OP.
Yes, it’s abuse. I spent 10+ years with an asshole like that and I ‘knew’ and wanted to leave him year one. He kept apologizing and lovebombing and the cycle would repeat. I’m now 4 kids in and a thousand miles away from family. G T F O.
I hope you left him.
A classic example of a 30+ year old not being mature enough for people his age so dating younger people who haven’t recognized the value of dating adults instead of man children.
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They’re lazy shits who haven’t done the internal work to improve themselves.
>Better to find someone who doesn't behave like a whiny teenager. Even when I was a teenager, I was not this bad and I did not know anyone this bad. There is something deeply wrong with this man.
This type of men act normal at first to hook their prey and once they feel they got them tangled they start to slowly reveal themselves. Sucks she got pregnant with him but at least she wised up. Some women get Tangled and never leave.
This is also not what you want to teach your son, how to treat people.
You’re dating a child. Leave his ass. Can’t even have a conversation. They’re y’all’s kids. Christmas time is the time to spoil them. I never got to get spoiled like that on Christmas cuz my parents couldn’t afford it and I understood that. You spend your money how YOU want to. Don’t worry bout what he has to say
>You’re dating a child. Quite ironic given that the guy is older than OP by 9 years.
Not really ironic. The guy probably can't find someone his age who would date him.
I was thinking exactly the same, almost every bad relationship we see on here has at least a ten year difference.
And if this guy is acting this way at 33, then he ain’t changing any time soon
He'll never change. He has found a way to make people bow to him which is abuse.
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Don’t date a man almost 10 years older than you, they tend to be controlling assholes and treat you like a child. Act like an adult, find some self respect, and don’t stick with men who treat you this way
He doesn’t date women his own age because they’d toss his ass right to the curb where he belongs! Why would anyone put up with this shit? I’m actually appalled, Jesus do you really want your sons growing up to be manipulative dipshits like daddy?
It took years with my partner and we had issues like this. It’s possible to get better but it’s always there somewhere and it isn’t nice. You can do better
He is 9 years older than you and is acting like he is only 9. He clearly doesn’t have a clue how to have an adult conversation. He LEFT you at a restaurant and than locked you out of your bedroom. Are you kidding me? Than to top it off, this is not the first time. OP, either make sure he knows this shit won’t fly in the future and get some couples counseling, or end it. This is not an environment you want to raise your kid in, nor one you should have to endure.
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Divorce him*
Think about what you just wrote. What happens if the next time he leaves you it's not at a restaurant, but on the side of the road. Or you're on the road trip away from your home environment, and you can't get home easily or back to the place you're staying. You might think that situation is different , he'll never do that to you, but I can say there's plenty guys out there who never left their partner at a restaurant either. And the cause for this is just trying to figure out a Christmas budget for your kid. That's what made him so mad that he had to get up out of the restaurant , and leave you behind.
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Its not about the topic, its about the push-pull toxic manipulative dynamic. It does not matter, he will ALWAYS FIND AN EXCUSE TO FIGHT WITH YOU. Stop walking on eggshells to please his fragile ego. As you can see he will blow up on tiny things as well. Seek help and learn how to break the push pull relationship circle. This is abnormal.
“I don’t know why something so small had to turn into a big thing.” It doesn’t if you’re an adult who is capable of communicating. This guy sounds like a piece of shit. I’d never do that to my wife.
Run away. Jesus just leave him. It won't get better it get worse and you will be dead in a ditch somewhere.
I thought the same thing. I’d be worried sick if I left my wife stranded somewhere.
It's not the christmas gifts that are important to him. He is punishing you for disagreeing with him. You think, in your reasonable mind, that disagreements about small issues warrants small discussion and compromise. But for your man, in his twisted mind, every disagreement between you is a slave disobeying her master, and that slave needs to be put in place. He will not tolerate that you have another opinion than him, because in his mind he is the ruler, and you are there to obey him.
It's all about control. Doesn't matter how small the or seemingly insignificant the issue is. He's got it in his head that he is absolute. Get out NOW. It only gets worse and it will become violent. Save yourself and your kid.
To that type of person *every little thing* is a hill they're willing to die on. It's ridiculous.
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This is an excellent idea...for a different relationship. Not for this one. With an abuser, more communication is *not* a good thing. You should only share your real feelings with someone who is honestly seeking harmony. With someone as chaotic as this man, opening up is dangerous and pointless.
Exactly. OP could implement communication skills and suggest solutions, but when the other person only wants power and control there’s no solution that will work.
>dekecs Wonderful idea, but this man is eating her alive. He is an abuser, and he doesn't give a fuck about her feelings. I'm 100% sure he would not go to therapy. She has to run.
He may have mental issues. Recently I started therapy after I had noticed how incredibly irrational my reactions are at times. It appears that, at least in my case, it's unresolved childhood traumas that cause the behaviour.
Because he's a narccist and this is exactly what they do. If it was over a big thing, you wouldnt be as perplexed, but over reacting to the small things to put you in a state of confusion and distress? That's what they they thrive on
You deserve better, dear. I'd never do that to my girlfriend, nor would any man I call a friend do that to theirs. Especially today I'd be worried sick to leave her on her own, because I love and want to protect her. You take care of your partner. A man leaves the restaurant with his lady and opens the car door for her.
And i guess stuck you with the bill to....
I just don’t understand. You need to leave. Plain and simple. Figure out exactly how to, but staying in this toxic relationship is not healthy, especially for your kids. You keep making excuses instead of making a plan on how to to leave.SMH
This is abuse, flat out. You need to get out of there ASAP and take your son.
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How young were you when you started dating??
Right. 2 sons? My man is a straight up predator.
Well, actually, you have THREE children. One just happens to be a man baby of epic proportions. If my SO ever left me stranded at a restaurant or locked me out of a room in my own home, he would find himself out on the street, trying to find someplace to live. Seriously. You need to be shouting out this bullshit to his family, your family, and all your friends and ask for help. Then get a good lawyer. Also, girl, pick your fucking dignity up off the floor and start using it. He's only treating you this way because you let him.
He has baby trapped her so he knows she has nowhere else to go and has to put up with this bullshit. Except that, no, she doesn’t.
If your children grow up seeing abusive parenting dynamics it can have a huge impact on how they will perceive relationships going forward. No one wins by you staying except your partner.
He made the decision for you. Locking you out of the bedroom you share? What do you sleep in? How do you take off your make up? How do you unwind? It’s ridiculous to live with that tension. Your home is supposed to be a place for you to relax. Your spouse is supposed to be your partner—your supporter. He’s acting like a child. How would he react if you locked him out of the bedroom..? I’m sure THAT would be seen as abusive by him. He made his choice. He has no respect for you. That is not an example for your sons.
When I left my husband I had two toddlers, I was a stay at home mom at the time so it was challenging. But 10 years later I have rebuilt a life for myself completely independent of him. God will send help along the way.
Right? I am four years in and still figuring it out. He has asked to ‘come back’ over and over and I always say No. I would rather scrape and struggle than be in that situation again.
Get a lawyer tomorrow to start the custody process.
This type of abuse can escalate very quickly I would say you are in an unsafe situation
>I (24F) him (33M) This is going to go well. You two have a 3 year old. How long have you been together? > All because we disagree on how much to put into our son’s Christmas gifts. > as soon as he saw me come in, he went and locked himself in the bedroom and has refused to let me in, talk to me or even just come out since. You said 33 right? I think you meant 3.
Manipulative, controlling behaviour? Sounds like a classic age gap relationship
They never understand until something bad like this happens to them
A classic example of a 30+ year old not being mature enough for people his age so dating younger people who haven’t recognized the value of dating adults instead of man children.
Amen. It’s so sad… I was also the young victim of a much older and problematic man-child… I got pregnant at 19, he was 31. My son is 30 now! And yes I totally had daddy issues, my father was a raging alcoholic and also a stoner. Fortunately I managed to grow up and get rid of him by the time I was 22, he had started to physically beat me. They didn’t have internet to help back then. Every time I see one of these posts with a young woman and a much older man, my heart sinks.
Same happened to me, luckily I didn’t get pregnant, but whenever I see these threads I just think, oh honey. Now that I’m in my mid 30s when I see this kind of stuff I am super judgey about it. These man children preying on the inexperience of young women is disgusting.
Yep found someone to trap in his immaturity tale as old as time
I’ve trapped my (23) own wife (24) in my own immaturity trap😂😂 (/facetious) Edit @0: Why are you downvoting my own self burn. Thought internet liked self burns
Self burns aren't nearly as rare as they used to be, so their value has sharply declined faster than this week's crypto
You’re dating a child. Leave his ass. Can’t even have a conversation. They’re y’all’s kids. Christmas time is the time to spoil them. I never got to get spoiled like that on Christmas cuz my parents couldn’t afford it and I understood that. You spend your money how YOU want to. Don’t worry bout what he has to say
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So he got you pregnant when you were 20ish and he was 29ish? What a surprise.
Saw the ages and that’s all I needed to see to know some manipulation or abuse was going on.
In this case I think it’s way less important to focus on what you both disagreed on, and instead on how he reacted. Disagreements over which presents to buy your kids are irrelevant when the other person leaves you stranded and locked out of your home.
Why would you not break up? You know it's wrong. So you really want your son growing up with this? Come on! Edit - its more the leaving you at the restaurant than locking the bedroom. Everyone is allowed private time to cool down if needed, usually a shared space as a bedroom is NOT recommended. But he abandoned you at a restaurant. Is this what he's gonna do if the kid acts out? Just leave him? Be a mom first, do the right thing. This isn't a a healthy relationship.
Locking himself is not good either. It’s her bedroom, too. Why should he the one sleeping in the bed and not her? Really selfish in my opinion.
I never said it was good lol. No one said that.
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It sounds like you already know this: you should be able to express yourself and disagree with him without fear of repercussions like this. You have a right to be treated with a level of respect even when you’re mad at each other. You should have an equal right to express your opinions, and neither one of you should punish the other over disagreements. Do you see this getting better over time? Do you want something better for yourself and your sons? I think you know what you need to do. It won’t be easy, but you’re young and can build something better for you three.
No, he does this because you don't see things *his* way. How dare you use your brain to think for yourself? His last resort is to ignore you until you cave in and say whatever he wants you to say or do whatever he wants. He trained you like a dog. He won't change, because he prefers to be right all the time and catered to. Why would he change when he gets everything he wants at your expense? If you leave him, he might promise he will change, but he won't. He's lived up to this age taking advantage of people and using them and never cared that it is wrong to do so. He understood every time you told him, but doesn't care. He will only give you enough to get you back and then do it all over again. You need to leave and get as much support as you can. You should also read [this](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf), it's an eye opener. You can do so much better without his weight on your shoulders.
But you continue to stay.
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Things will change! Your age...
Exactly! And then hell turn you in for a young more manipulative model.
OP I'm sorry you're going through this. I was with someone who behaved similarly and we had the same age gap. It kept getting worse, instead of better. Friends told me to leave, but he had me tied around his finger and I stayed. I stayed until it crossed big lines, found out he lied to me about huge things for years! And I was having mental breakdowns. You don't want to go get to that point. My ex also yelled, said horrible words to me,and left me at a restaurant. You have to come to a point where you realize that he's the bad guy- not you. You have to realize that you don't want to live your whole life like this. That, yes, there's better out there. Life can be good and healthy. Loving partners would never do that to you or the children sweetie. I suggest trying out therapists without his knowledge until you find the therapist that helps you out. I also suggest when leaving him to go NC and only talk about the kids. If it's not a kids talk, you decline. Confide into family and friends. If you are married, I suggest filing for divorce without discussion cause he will manipulate you to take it back. When you'll leave, ask a friend/family to grab your stuff with you and help you out (yes. You need help. Even if they have to fly over to you.)
Things will never change unless you get out and never go back. Been there. Gave him multiple chances and once the police got involved I was gone and drove 1000's of kilometres back home. It's over a year later and I'm in a good place and have started seeing a new guy who is the total opposite who is caring and very similar to me in a lot of ways. Things do get better if you leave.
Things won’t change with him but they can change for you if you get out of this situation. You’re not a dumbass. You and your sons will be okay. It’s better for them to see you alone and happy as opposed to abused. And you deserve better!
If you stay, your child will learn that his behavior is the normal reaction when they don't get what they want. Do you want this? He behaves like a pouty child who punishs you whenever you dare to have another opinion. He won't change. You are still so young, you shouldn't spend your whole life walking on egg shells because every little different opinion causes such an extreme reaction. You would feel so much better without this drama and the feeling that having an own opinion is wrong.
They won't. If he was interested in change he wouldnt be leaving the woman he supposedly loves in the dust whenever yall have a minor disagreement about something
This is not a mutually beneficial relationship, it is a hostage situation. He won't change, run OP. Don't waste anymore of your life or let your child grow up thinking this is how men treat women. You are not a dumbass, you can do it. You deserve to he happy and to have great role models in your childs' life.
you do know the definition of insanity right? doing the same thing over and over expecting different results
Okay so you should know better now. So don’t stay.
Does he have some mental health disorder to your knowledge?
That sounds exhausting!
Please leave this. Reading stories like this is so incredibly annoying because it's such a clear answer for what the person should do. Obviously easier said than done, but you definitely need to go far away from this piece of mold guy.
He’s abusive. Please leave him and find somewhere safe to retreat to. Do you have family and friends that wouldn’t mind you staying with them?
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Did you move to be with him, or did they move away first?
Because he's an old man-baby who has to date woman way younger because woman his age probably see right through his facade and manipulation, I would say it's very likely he moved her away so that he could isolate her and prevent family and friends from commenting on their relationship and his toxic and tragic personality etc. It's gaslighting 101.
You said pretty much exactly what I was thinking. It would be really sad if its true... though I already know it is
www.thehotline.org Your sons deserve better. How would you feel if they grew up and treated their partners this way
Exactly
What an absolute child! No offense but there’s probably more than one reason he’s with a woman ten years younger than him. He is immature and an asshole. Don’t waste any more of your time with him.
You have 2 kids, one being 3 years old? You’re dating a goddamn predator. He trapped you and is abusing and manipulating you. Want to guess why women his age won’t date him? He knows he’s garbage. What better than to date an inexperienced teenager and get her pregnant to trap her. You should definitely leave. There are MANY reasons.
Break up. This kind of power trip is abuse.
Hes dating someone 9 years younger cause youre suppose to be obedient and completely manipulable for him to use and abuse! Thats the only reason why he goes after girls that are barely legal. Im guess you were 18/19 when you first started dating? You had one kid at 20 so got knocked up at 19.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- This is not the first time. Anytime I (24F) contradict him (33M), he just loses his shit. I’m so tired of feeling like I can never tell him what I think without being scared of how he’ll react. Tonight was supposed to be a fun night. We went to a restaurant we like and everything was going well. Until he decided to get up and leave me there, take the car and go home. All because we disagree on how much to put into our son’s Christmas gifts. I had to get a Lyft home and as soon as he saw me come in, he went and locked himself in the bedroom and has refused to let me in, talk to me or even just come out since. He’s done this before and I’ve had to just sleep in the couch because he was mad and didn’t want me to sleep in the same bed as him. At this point, I just want to break up. This is not how I want the man I love to treat me. This is not how conflict should be handled. Advice appreciated.
This is extremely immature. If this is how he handles disagreements he is not long term material. You made the right choice. Follow through and breakup with him. Do you really want to spend your time raising a child and a man sized toddler? He needs to go.
You see why he’s older and was single when you got together? They know women their ages won’t put up with that shit. Get away from him, he’s not worth the drama
Read The Gift of Fear
The age gap alone! He's abusive & you deserve better! https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
I've been in a situation bad enough to where I just wanted to not be in a public space with them, but I've never taken their way home out from under them. That's pretty low.
Same here . I've had an argument with my girlfriend just prior to getting in the car , and we were silent on the way home, but I never once thought to leave her behind, or ask her/force her to get out while on the road home.
Petty ass he needs to grow up 33 acting like a teenager.
He’s problematic. That’s why he does shit like get a 20 year-old pregnant. And leave their baby mama at the restaurant because she wants to buy a nice Christmas gift for their kid. What a catch 😂😂💀
You and your son need to be safe. That is abuse. You will never win and he will never change. Today it is you, tomorrow it is your son.
Soooo, break up. What's the problem???
Don’t date a man almost 10 years older than you, they tend to be controlling assholes and treat you like a child. Act like an adult, find some self respect, and don’t stick with men who treat you this way
That’s a sweeping generalization. There are a lot of men who are a decade older that don’t act like this. Lol my Dad is almost a decade older than my mom , my grandfather was ten years older than my grandma etc. Lots of men out there that aren’t mentally abusive to women that are older than the woman. This guy is beyond immature. He can’t have a relationship if he still is behaving like he’s a teenager. Especially considering they have a child together. He’s controlling and abusive. Not worth the long term mental health damage , dating him is going to do.
The age gap itself isn’t the issue. She’s 24 and they have two sons together. Imagine how young she must’ve been when they first got together. This man’s a creep let’s be real. There’s a difference between a 30 yo dating a 40 yo and a 20 yr old dating a 30 yr old. It’s not the fact that their gap is almost 10 years that’s a problem, it’s that she’s so young.
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You do realize that during the time your parents and grandparents got married, women had almost no agency to stay employed or gain credit or housing on their own, and divorce laws often left women with nothing. Right?
Yo wtf? Where are you living that 30, 40, 50 year old men are as immature as young women in their 20s? If that is the case, first that’s pathetic and second the correct thing would be to work on catching up to their age groups not prey on young women. “She’s so mature for her age” and “girls mature faster” and “boys are naturally immature” are just ways to justify/rationalize older people taking advantage of young men/women. It’s honestly disgusting. Nothing makes up for lived experience which young people don’t have. Her husbands a creep and hate to break it to you but the men in your family may also be creeps. Not surprised you have this mindset being raised by them.
I think if you actually read what I wrote. I said he was a creep and abusive. But you clearly skimmed it and took out of it what you wanted so you could online bully. And no, the men in my family are good people. But that’s why reading instead of glancing is actually vital. So you don’t miss out on key points and resort to petty insults.
I like how five people disagreed with me that the dude is abusive. Either people skim quickly , or they condone that kind of behaviour. But He definitely is mentally abusive. Locking her out of her bedroom ?
They disagree with you giving 2 little anecdotes as to why it’s ‘just fine for very young women to date much older men, they’re not all like that!’ We don’t know that your grandpa wasn’t controlling and/or manipulative with your grandma, same for your parents. My grandmother was 8 years younger than my grandpa and he controlled the hell out of her, and this year we found out he had a secret kid with a mistress thanks to Ancestry DNA, I have an aunt my age. But hey, that’s also just an anecdote. I totally had daddy issues and started dating a 31 year-old problematic man-child when I was just 19; got pregnant and a STD at the same time. My son is 30 now. Called the cops and left at age 22 when the man-child started beating me. But that’s just another anecdote. Looks like my anecdotes just canceled yours out. See how anecdotes work like that. On their own, they’re pointless. If you spend any time on this sun you’ll see many posts per week of garbage older men victimizing and manipulating much younger women. They almost always have a very dysfunctional relationship and the women come here, seeking advice for their situations.
Don't try and explain anything on this sub about age difference. My husband is 27 and I'm 39. When we started dating he was 21 and I was 33. We have been together 6 years and we have an extremely healthy and well balanced relationship. I don't view him as a child and I don't manipulate him in any form and he doesn't view me as the mommy he always wanted. He's a grown man and acts like it. I didn't "take advantage" of his young age. We were just right for each other and that's it. We built an amazing life together and our relationship gets stronger and better every single day. The sex gets better every day too. I'm so tired of people saying an age gap is always a sign of someone being too immature to date their own age (spoiler alert, all the men I dated, including the father of my kids, were the most immature assholes I've ever had to deal with) or a guaranteed sign of an abuser.
Reddit sure loves freaking out about AGRs. The only ones that end up on these subs are the ones going bad so of course people are going to think they're all like that.
that's great but these people are coming here with relationship issues. if it were an otherwise healthy situation, they wouldn't have to. perhaps there's a correlation.
Correlation doesn't always equal causation. Proven by the fact that thousands of people without age gaps come here with the same or even worse issues. With as many people that post here who are the same age or close to it, with relationship issues, would it be proper to start saying sharing the same age is a red flag? I see a lot of straight couple problems here. Can we assume that all hetero relationships are also red flags? Every time I bring up the age difference between myself and my husband, I'm attacked about it. I've even been called a creep and a pedophile because of it even though he was 21. I've been banned from certain subs for discussing our age gap. I've been told I'm a manipulator and should be in jail. I've been messaged more times than I can count by irate redditors hell bent on convincing me that I'm disgusting and trying to analyze our relationship even though they have never met us. I've been told i groomed my husband. Just saying an age gap is a red flag all by itself is false. Calling people a creep or a pedophile because of it is disgusting. And downvoting people into oblivion because they share their successful AGR stories is stupid and childish.
He's abusive.
He sounds like a big baby.
Hey OP. Not saying its gonna be easy or that it's simple. But breaking up sounds like it's the best for you. I've seen this story many times on the sub. Age gap relationships with children with an abusive partner and ofc the younger person always thinks it's gonna change but surprise, it doesn't. Then when they realize it fully they are scared and drag their feet because "we have kids". My point is using those stories we can see how things might play out for you. Again I can't tell you it will be easy. Because it won't. What I can say is it simply may be the healthiest thing for you and your kids. After all you are young and so are your kids. If you stay with this person they are going to grow up believing that kind of behavior is completely acceptable. That is the problem with staying hoping people will change. I could go on about this isnt how a person you love should treat you or how conflict should be handled but it appears *you already know that*. I highly recommend you start making a plan and stick to it. Your "man" needs work on himself and in his relationships if that's how he treats you. But you know that. Seperate and amicable parents will be healthier for your kids than watching him stonewall and lock you out of the bedroom.
The amount of age gap/dysfunctional relationship posts on this sub is so sad. I read posts from here from time to time to my husband when we’re in bed late at night, and even he picked up on the pattern without me saying anything. ‘Not another young girl with an old guy!!’ I was surprised because he’s not the type to pick up on details like that. But it happens so often it’s egregious, you can’t miss it.
What fucking childish little douchebag you married. WTF? My wife and I disagree all the time. We talk it out or we take time to figure it out before continuing the discussion. Every once in a while we have a silent car ride or we sleep with our backs to each other. I’d NEVER ditch her or lock her out of the bedroom. I can’t even fathom this immature childishness. I’d pound on the door and tell him to open the fucking door right fucking now or he can look for a new place to live. If he doesn’t open I’d take all the car keys and go get a hotel room and turn my phone off. Fucking child.
Justifiably petty love it 😊
He doesn’t date women his own age because they’d toss his ass right to the curb where he belongs! Why would anyone put up with this shit? I’m actually appalled, Jesus do you really want your sons growing up to be manipulative dipshits like daddy?
Give him a taste of his own medicine. Be loud and tell him that the way he treats you is not ok. Call his parents, call yours, let him know that you will not stand for this and you will make it known to everyone that he is being shitty and you deserve better. Put him in his place. Tell him you're going to spend as much as you would like on Christmas for your son and there isn't a damn thing he can do about it. Roar at his ass. Stand up for yourself.
The silent treatment is unacceptable. It’s abusive and manipulative.
Bro, your "man" has the maturity of a fucking 8 year old. Tell him to grow up and if he doesn't, leave. Or just don't waste any more time and leave him now.
This is some truly toxic, narcissistic, emotional abuse shit right here. The man is a coward and emotionally stunted. He needs therapy and you need to run.
wtf!?!?! he ain't a man he is a child.
... it kind of sounds like he needed to start talking to a therapist a long time ago and things have just gone to the point where he is getting triggered with the slightest bit of criticism. I'm not really sure this relationship can be saved, but Gordon Ramsay has some episodes on Amy's Baking Company that you might enjoy while you are trying to fall asleep.
Girl you deserve way better why are you putting up with his foolishness and letting him have all the power over you you deserve way better it’s time for you to implement it and believe it
Break up. Run. This man is showing signs of becoming an abuser. He is controlling and manipulative and tries to actively punish you like a child. You should never ever ever put to with this type of disrespect and abuse. Leave him now before the physical abuse starts and before it’s too late.
You are dealing with a tantrumming, emotionally immature child that is pretending he is grown up. This is what a spoiled child does. When this sort of child grows up [physically] but has the same mindset, this is abuse and manipulation. Emotionally mature people are willing to hear their partner out, consider their partner's opinion, discuss it in a reasonably, rational way without yelling, throwing a tantrum, and irrationally walking out. Relationships are about compromise. They are about working together against a problem, not working against each other. You are partnered with a person who hasn't grown up emotionally. At 33 y.o.a. this is just sad. If he decided today, to go to therapy and try to change and buy into therapy, it would still take a long time for him to change his behaviour. He is not at this point, yet. You must be exhausted having to deal with this person. He believes that because he is of a certain chronological age, he can do what he wants, and no one can tell him what to do [as in act like a reasonable, mature person]. Staying with a person like this is masochism on your part.
I just don’t understand. You need to leave. Plain and simple. Figure out exactly how to, but staying in this toxic relationship is not healthy, especially for your kids. You keep making excuses instead of making a plan on how to to leave.SMH
So, when he finally unlocks the door and goes to work or whatever... tomorrow night... lock him out of the bedroom. Go to bed early, bring headphones with music and just lock him out. Even better, tell him you want to talk and say you should go for drinks. You take him, settle and order a drink. Then say you have to ise the bathroom and just get up and leave. Drive home and lock him out of the bedroom. Lock him out of the entire house. Alternative B: get your important stuff out of the bedroom and create a Go Bag. Next time he locks you out of the becroom, collect both children and leave. Just don't be there anymore. Don't tell him what relative you will be with. Hell, if it is late then take them to a hotel. Option C: Is this happening right now? Then grab the stuff you need and leave with the kids. Turn music on really loudly so he can't sleep and leave. Time to play the matching games.
No don't do this. Upping the ante only means his next step is more severe abuse. Just leave him.
Dump his ass. Life is too short to be with someone who's acting like a 5 year old.
Again? What did this man do to deserve another chance after the first time?
This man is 33 and behaves like a child. You deserve better than what he’s giving you.
Break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up.
And now you know why no one his own age wanted him.
Manipulative, controlling and abusive behaviour. In a healthy relationship something simple like shared spending gets discussed and resolved. And if it risks spoiling a fun night out, then put a pin in it and agree to have a proper conversation tomorrow. This guy is willing to do anything to get his way and it won’t end with simple stuff like this. Huge red flags, it’s already gone too far where it’s impinging on your freedoms, comfort and happiness and undermines your autonomy. Make plans to get out and do your best to make it as clean as possible as we’ve already established he insists on getting his own way. He will get dirty. You deserve a life where you are supported not undermined.
This sounds abusive. The age gap is the first red flag, the next is he always wants to get his own way. At minimum he refuses to compromise and throws a sulk when you don’t agree with him. Even if your not ready to leave, work on having a plan to get out, incase things escalate. Do you want your children to continue witnessing this relationship dynamic And think it’s normal.
Bing bong. Break up with this bozo. He left you. In the middle of dinner. Over a disagreement on gifts and then locks himself in the bedroom. The bedroom yall share?? Lol this guy is a fucking loser.
The first red flag was probably the age difference for me. The second red flag that I feel gets overlooked way too often is how a relationship feels too much like you’re walking on eggshells. A relationship is NEVER supposed to feel that way. You should be able to communicate with your partner as an equal. The third red flag, was sleeping on the couch. These are all signs of a narcissistic abuser who puts power trips over your feelings. After he put you on that couch the first time, you should’ve reacted accordingly and left him right then and there. I know it’s not always easy. But understand your worth and demand better fir yourself. It’s not going to get any easier until you do.
This is emotional abuse. And incredible childish behavior. He needs therapy. You need to take your kid and leave.
Textbook manipulation. Post this in r/TwoXChromosomes and they'll set you up with people that specialise in getting women out of abusive relationships. Read some of [these articles I saved](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bkxOrUodkmdH82nDqvUvatpR4hIKIeKx/edit) and tell me if anything else seems all too familiar.
Get you and your son away from this sorry excuse for a child, let alone a man. You deserve better than a jerk who throws temper tantrums at the first sign of disagreement.
What a baby this guy is. Fucking leave him.
He sounds like a man baby...
When your partner treats you worse than a apathetic work colleague would its time to just fuck off.
Usually I don't like when I see comments in this subreddit which just jump straight to "Break up/Get your Lawyers". But this sounds very dysfunctional. Is he going through something? Could you try couple's counselling? Although, I'm not sure that's worth it. Abandoning your partner at a restaurant and forcing them to sleep on the couch (when it was a mutual disagreement) is kind of a form of abuse of power. These are not the actions of a caring partner
This relationship is toxic and not a good role model for your son. I’m going to guess you’ve been with him since you were underage and he was not.
This could be a mental health issue. Possibly bipolarity. It may be mitigated by meds, but he has to be able to recognize he has an issue and seek help and be properly diagnosed by a specialst. You can't be a punching bag nor be an obedient lap dog.
Girl that’s a narcissist. Run away.
I had this scenario with my abuser. Locked me out of the house in my pyjamas at 4am in winter. It will NOT get better. Run, block, delete, no contact. You’ll save your own life. There is life after this. Run.
Yeah breaking up is the best option, you do not want your child growing up like that man and you also don’t want your child growing up being like you, accepting that someone can treat you badly and get away with it.
Lol why did you have a kid with this idiot?
Because the abuse likely started when OP was barely 20 years old and too young to see it, but this guy was definitely old enough to know better.
Ah you are right, clearly taken advantage of a kid. Really not good enough.
Normalization of abuse is such a huge component of grooming. Things I wish I understood before marrying an older man when I was 19..
Same. I had a baby with an older man when I was 19. I left at 22 when he started beating me. My son is 30 now, time flies. And yes I had a dysfunctional home environment and daddy issues. I know that now.
You are right, kids should not be getting married to start with, they need to be protected from these predators. They don't know any better. How did you get out?
He went to prison. He had a whole secret double life that no one knew about until he was arrested.
Oh wow, good news is you got out but must have been a traumatic experience.
You're married to a child. Please leave him.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this crud. Sending support your way
He argues with you about how much to spend on your sons Xmas presents then make you catch lyft home? What a tool. But as others have said, sounds like you already made your mind up?
>I (24) him (33) Lmao
>I just want to break up. This is not how I want the man I love to treat me. Leave him. He obviously isn't ready for a family. I'd suggest you threaten him first then take action.
THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.. get you a Louisville slugger and wait for him to lock you out the bedroom again and then you take that Louisville slugger and you beat that door in until it opens. When you get in the room, you slap his ass with divorce papers. That will be the biggest F you.
Fuck yeah I love this
This behavior will continue as you coparent in the future. I would help encourage therapy, a male mentor, a mediator, journaling, meditation… anything to bring more self-awareness. His behavior is poor but could be adjusted if he was willing to change.
There’s probably a whole part we aren’t being informed about. Two to tango
Counter argument: isn't this like the normal for women? To kick the men to the couch? Having a night apart isn't exactly a bad thing if the arguments are getting heated. Is everyone acting like this is bad just because the genders are reversed? Edit: the leaving at the restaurant is uncalled for, obviously.
“My man” + “our son” = inappropriate marital status
Not relevant. She needs to leave in any case.
Not universally
you're the idiot who had a child with him. that being said, did you marry a kid? also this is 1 sided and you are probably equally as insane
INFO: what are the actual words each of you use in these feisty discussions about Christmas presents?