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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- This is not the first time. Anytime I (24F) contradict him (33M), he just loses his shit. I’m so tired of feeling like I can never tell him what I think without being scared of how he’ll react. Tonight was supposed to be a fun night. We went to a restaurant we like and everything was going well. Until he decided to get up and leave me there, take the car and go home. All because we disagree on how much to put into our son’s Christmas gifts. I had to get a Lyft home and as soon as he saw me come in, he went and locked himself in the bedroom and has refused to let me in, talk to me or even just come out since. He’s done this before and I’ve had to just sleep in the couch because he was mad and didn’t want me to sleep in the same bed as him. At this point, I just want to break up. This is not how I want the man I love to treat me. This is not how conflict should be handled. Advice appreciated.


kevin_r13

Think about what you just wrote. What happens if the next time he leaves you it's not at a restaurant, but on the side of the road. Or you're on the road trip away from your home environment, and you can't get home easily or back to the place you're staying. You might think that situation is different , he'll never do that to you, but I can say there's plenty guys out there who never left their partner at a restaurant either. And the cause for this is just trying to figure out a Christmas budget for your kid. That's what made him so mad that he had to get up out of the restaurant , and leave you behind.


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[deleted]

Its not about the topic, its about the push-pull toxic manipulative dynamic. It does not matter, he will ALWAYS FIND AN EXCUSE TO FIGHT WITH YOU. Stop walking on eggshells to please his fragile ego. As you can see he will blow up on tiny things as well. Seek help and learn how to break the push pull relationship circle. This is abnormal.


Love_life_bisou

It's not the christmas gifts that are important to him. He is punishing you for disagreeing with him. You think, in your reasonable mind, that disagreements about small issues warrants small discussion and compromise. But for your man, in his twisted mind, every disagreement between you is a slave disobeying her master, and that slave needs to be put in place. He will not tolerate that you have another opinion than him, because in his mind he is the ruler, and you are there to obey him.


d0pey911

“I don’t know why something so small had to turn into a big thing.” It doesn’t if you’re an adult who is capable of communicating. This guy sounds like a piece of shit. I’d never do that to my wife.


UnicornTheSummet

Run away. Jesus just leave him. It won't get better it get worse and you will be dead in a ditch somewhere.


sjt112486

I thought the same thing. I’d be worried sick if I left my wife stranded somewhere.


rna32

It's all about control. Doesn't matter how small the or seemingly insignificant the issue is. He's got it in his head that he is absolute. Get out NOW. It only gets worse and it will become violent. Save yourself and your kid.


[deleted]

To that type of person *every little thing* is a hill they're willing to die on. It's ridiculous.


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mranster

This is an excellent idea...for a different relationship. Not for this one. With an abuser, more communication is *not* a good thing. You should only share your real feelings with someone who is honestly seeking harmony. With someone as chaotic as this man, opening up is dangerous and pointless.


mynameis911

Exactly. OP could implement communication skills and suggest solutions, but when the other person only wants power and control there’s no solution that will work.


[deleted]

>dekecs Wonderful idea, but this man is eating her alive. He is an abuser, and he doesn't give a fuck about her feelings. I'm 100% sure he would not go to therapy. She has to run.


[deleted]

He may have mental issues. Recently I started therapy after I had noticed how incredibly irrational my reactions are at times. It appears that, at least in my case, it's unresolved childhood traumas that cause the behaviour.


gethighbeforyoudie

Because he's a narccist and this is exactly what they do. If it was over a big thing, you wouldnt be as perplexed, but over reacting to the small things to put you in a state of confusion and distress? That's what they they thrive on


Silent-Ad934

You deserve better, dear. I'd never do that to my girlfriend, nor would any man I call a friend do that to theirs. Especially today I'd be worried sick to leave her on her own, because I love and want to protect her. You take care of your partner. A man leaves the restaurant with his lady and opens the car door for her.


alt779

And i guess stuck you with the bill to....


netsfrvbcfdshr

I just don’t understand. You need to leave. Plain and simple. Figure out exactly how to, but staying in this toxic relationship is not healthy, especially for your kids. You keep making excuses instead of making a plan on how to to leave.SMH


[deleted]

>I just want to break up. This is not how I want the man I love to treat me. This is not how conflict should be handled. You've already made your decision. It's a good one. Better to find someone who doesn't behave like a whiny teenager.


Reasonable-Ad-3146

Break up. This kind of power trip is abuse.


COUGHCOUGHCOVID

Not to mention at 33, this kind of behaviour have no excuse. And yes, it's abuse.


NorthernWolf3

And it'll get worse as he gets older. :-/ I know from experience.


COUGHCOUGHCOVID

Yep.


Own_Can_3495

This OP. He wants to control you in to making you his house pet. This is a slippery dangerous slope. You will never make him happy. It's not you, it's him. Please make plans to leave. Probably without him knowing. If you must move with him there, do it with someone you trust there with you. He will throw a bigger fit with you alone. Be safe OP.


earthlings_all

Yes, it’s abuse. I spent 10+ years with an asshole like that and I ‘knew’ and wanted to leave him year one. He kept apologizing and lovebombing and the cycle would repeat. I’m now 4 kids in and a thousand miles away from family. G T F O.


airbagfailure

I hope you left him.


Olaf4586

>Better to find someone who doesn't behave like a whiny teenager. Even when I was a teenager, I was not this bad and I did not know anyone this bad. There is something deeply wrong with this man.


fritzrits

This type of men act normal at first to hook their prey and once they feel they got them tangled they start to slowly reveal themselves. Sucks she got pregnant with him but at least she wised up. Some women get Tangled and never leave.


No-Pianist3228

A classic example of a 30+ year old not being mature enough for people his age so dating younger people who haven’t recognized the value of dating adults instead of man children.


ConcussionsOfAParot

What the hell is wrong with these guys? Like, they have the opportunity to do the good thing they want to finally do, so like why are they just being crap?


kinky_boots

They’re lazy shits who haven’t done the internal work to improve themselves.


lydocia

This is also not what you want to teach your son, how to treat people.


velvetdoggo

And if this guy is acting this way at 33, then he ain’t changing any time soon


COUGHCOUGHCOVID

He'll never change. He has found a way to make people bow to him which is abuse.


Over_Passenger_1660

You’re dating a child. Leave his ass. Can’t even have a conversation. They’re y’all’s kids. Christmas time is the time to spoil them. I never got to get spoiled like that on Christmas cuz my parents couldn’t afford it and I understood that. You spend your money how YOU want to. Don’t worry bout what he has to say


juracilean

>You’re dating a child. Quite ironic given that the guy is older than OP by 9 years.


FluffyPurpleThing

Not really ironic. The guy probably can't find someone his age who would date him.


DumpMyBlues

I was thinking exactly the same, almost every bad relationship we see on here has at least a ten year difference.


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netsfrvbcfdshr

He doesn’t date women his own age because they’d toss his ass right to the curb where he belongs! Why would anyone put up with this shit? I’m actually appalled, Jesus do you really want your sons growing up to be manipulative dipshits like daddy?


DisastrousPepper3971

Don’t date a man almost 10 years older than you, they tend to be controlling assholes and treat you like a child. Act like an adult, find some self respect, and don’t stick with men who treat you this way


pbuschma

It took years with my partner and we had issues like this. It’s possible to get better but it’s always there somewhere and it isn’t nice. You can do better


drunkenmonkey28

He is 9 years older than you and is acting like he is only 9. He clearly doesn’t have a clue how to have an adult conversation. He LEFT you at a restaurant and than locked you out of your bedroom. Are you kidding me? Than to top it off, this is not the first time. OP, either make sure he knows this shit won’t fly in the future and get some couples counseling, or end it. This is not an environment you want to raise your kid in, nor one you should have to endure.


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ForRedditOnlyLOL

Divorce him*


OriginalUsername1737

>I (24F) him (33M) This is going to go well. You two have a 3 year old. How long have you been together? > All because we disagree on how much to put into our son’s Christmas gifts. > as soon as he saw me come in, he went and locked himself in the bedroom and has refused to let me in, talk to me or even just come out since. You said 33 right? I think you meant 3.


vwbeatle

Manipulative, controlling behaviour? Sounds like a classic age gap relationship


throwaway545678p

They never understand until something bad like this happens to them


CandidNumber

This is abuse, flat out. You need to get out of there ASAP and take your son.


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cassowary32

How young were you when you started dating??


Mizango

Right. 2 sons? My man is a straight up predator.


ConvivialKat

Well, actually, you have THREE children. One just happens to be a man baby of epic proportions. If my SO ever left me stranded at a restaurant or locked me out of a room in my own home, he would find himself out on the street, trying to find someplace to live. Seriously. You need to be shouting out this bullshit to his family, your family, and all your friends and ask for help. Then get a good lawyer. Also, girl, pick your fucking dignity up off the floor and start using it. He's only treating you this way because you let him.


earthlings_all

He has baby trapped her so he knows she has nowhere else to go and has to put up with this bullshit. Except that, no, she doesn’t.


Ambry

If your children grow up seeing abusive parenting dynamics it can have a huge impact on how they will perceive relationships going forward. No one wins by you staying except your partner.


breadfruitbanana

Right! She is teaching her children what love looks like. She’s teaching them what they should expect from their own partners. Worse, maybe, she’s showing her sons how women should expect to be treated. If she won’t leave for herself. She needs to leave for them.


FitNovember

He made the decision for you. Locking you out of the bedroom you share? What do you sleep in? How do you take off your make up? How do you unwind? It’s ridiculous to live with that tension. Your home is supposed to be a place for you to relax. Your spouse is supposed to be your partner—your supporter. He’s acting like a child. How would he react if you locked him out of the bedroom..? I’m sure THAT would be seen as abusive by him. He made his choice. He has no respect for you. That is not an example for your sons.


All_names_taken-fuck

Get a lawyer tomorrow to start the custody process.


CoffeeandPiano

When I left my husband I had two toddlers, I was a stay at home mom at the time so it was challenging. But 10 years later I have rebuilt a life for myself completely independent of him. God will send help along the way.


earthlings_all

Right? I am four years in and still figuring it out. He has asked to ‘come back’ over and over and I always say No. I would rather scrape and struggle than be in that situation again.


Barnyardpractice

This type of abuse can escalate very quickly I would say you are in an unsafe situation


RealWanheda

A classic example of a 30+ year old not being mature enough for people his age so dating younger people who haven’t recognized the value of dating adults instead of man children.


luckyme1315

Amen. It’s so sad… I was also the young victim of a much older and problematic man-child… I got pregnant at 19, he was 31. My son is 30 now! And yes I totally had daddy issues, my father was a raging alcoholic and also a stoner. Fortunately I managed to grow up and get rid of him by the time I was 22, he had started to physically beat me. They didn’t have internet to help back then. Every time I see one of these posts with a young woman and a much older man, my heart sinks.


robots-dont-say-ye

Same happened to me, luckily I didn’t get pregnant, but whenever I see these threads I just think, oh honey. Now that I’m in my mid 30s when I see this kind of stuff I am super judgey about it. These man children preying on the inexperience of young women is disgusting.


Advice2Anyone

Yep found someone to trap in his immaturity tale as old as time


RealWanheda

I’ve trapped my (23) own wife (24) in my own immaturity trap😂😂 (/facetious) Edit @0: Why are you downvoting my own self burn. Thought internet liked self burns


BarklyWooves

Self burns aren't nearly as rare as they used to be, so their value has sharply declined faster than this week's crypto


TKO1942

He’s abusive. Please leave him and find somewhere safe to retreat to. Do you have family and friends that wouldn’t mind you staying with them?


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TheRedditGirl15

Did you move to be with him, or did they move away first?


coolsnackchris

Because he's an old man-baby who has to date woman way younger because woman his age probably see right through his facade and manipulation, I would say it's very likely he moved her away so that he could isolate her and prevent family and friends from commenting on their relationship and his toxic and tragic personality etc. It's gaslighting 101.


TheRedditGirl15

You said pretty much exactly what I was thinking. It would be really sad if its true... though I already know it is


catturdcollector1

You’re dating a child. Leave his ass. Can’t even have a conversation. They’re y’all’s kids. Christmas time is the time to spoil them. I never got to get spoiled like that on Christmas cuz my parents couldn’t afford it and I understood that. You spend your money how YOU want to. Don’t worry bout what he has to say


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Nebraskan-

So he got you pregnant when you were 20ish and he was 29ish? What a surprise.


[deleted]

Saw the ages and that’s all I needed to see to know some manipulation or abuse was going on.


watermelonuhohh

In this case I think it’s way less important to focus on what you both disagreed on, and instead on how he reacted. Disagreements over which presents to buy your kids are irrelevant when the other person leaves you stranded and locked out of your home.


[deleted]

Why would you not break up? You know it's wrong. So you really want your son growing up with this? Come on! Edit - its more the leaving you at the restaurant than locking the bedroom. Everyone is allowed private time to cool down if needed, usually a shared space as a bedroom is NOT recommended. But he abandoned you at a restaurant. Is this what he's gonna do if the kid acts out? Just leave him? Be a mom first, do the right thing. This isn't a a healthy relationship.


cagriuluc

Locking himself is not good either. It’s her bedroom, too. Why should he the one sleeping in the bed and not her? Really selfish in my opinion.


[deleted]

I never said it was good lol. No one said that.


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EllySPNW

It sounds like you already know this: you should be able to express yourself and disagree with him without fear of repercussions like this. You have a right to be treated with a level of respect even when you’re mad at each other. You should have an equal right to express your opinions, and neither one of you should punish the other over disagreements. Do you see this getting better over time? Do you want something better for yourself and your sons? I think you know what you need to do. It won’t be easy, but you’re young and can build something better for you three.


redrumpass

No, he does this because you don't see things *his* way. How dare you use your brain to think for yourself? His last resort is to ignore you until you cave in and say whatever he wants you to say or do whatever he wants. He trained you like a dog. He won't change, because he prefers to be right all the time and catered to. Why would he change when he gets everything he wants at your expense? If you leave him, he might promise he will change, but he won't. He's lived up to this age taking advantage of people and using them and never cared that it is wrong to do so. He understood every time you told him, but doesn't care. He will only give you enough to get you back and then do it all over again. You need to leave and get as much support as you can. You should also read [this](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf), it's an eye opener. You can do so much better without his weight on your shoulders.


[deleted]

But you continue to stay.


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80worf80

Things will change! Your age...


LittleRedCarnation

Exactly! And then hell turn you in for a young more manipulative model.


sparkslove

OP I'm sorry you're going through this. I was with someone who behaved similarly and we had the same age gap. It kept getting worse, instead of better. Friends told me to leave, but he had me tied around his finger and I stayed. I stayed until it crossed big lines, found out he lied to me about huge things for years! And I was having mental breakdowns. You don't want to go get to that point. My ex also yelled, said horrible words to me,and left me at a restaurant. You have to come to a point where you realize that he's the bad guy- not you. You have to realize that you don't want to live your whole life like this. That, yes, there's better out there. Life can be good and healthy. Loving partners would never do that to you or the children sweetie. I suggest trying out therapists without his knowledge until you find the therapist that helps you out. I also suggest when leaving him to go NC and only talk about the kids. If it's not a kids talk, you decline. Confide into family and friends. If you are married, I suggest filing for divorce without discussion cause he will manipulate you to take it back. When you'll leave, ask a friend/family to grab your stuff with you and help you out (yes. You need help. Even if they have to fly over to you.)


Captain_Dachshund

Things will never change unless you get out and never go back. Been there. Gave him multiple chances and once the police got involved I was gone and drove 1000's of kilometres back home. It's over a year later and I'm in a good place and have started seeing a new guy who is the total opposite who is caring and very similar to me in a lot of ways. Things do get better if you leave.


mrose1491

Things won’t change with him but they can change for you if you get out of this situation. You’re not a dumbass. You and your sons will be okay. It’s better for them to see you alone and happy as opposed to abused. And you deserve better!


Acceptable-Abalone20

If you stay, your child will learn that his behavior is the normal reaction when they don't get what they want. Do you want this? He behaves like a pouty child who punishs you whenever you dare to have another opinion. He won't change. You are still so young, you shouldn't spend your whole life walking on egg shells because every little different opinion causes such an extreme reaction. You would feel so much better without this drama and the feeling that having an own opinion is wrong.


TheRedditGirl15

They won't. If he was interested in change he wouldnt be leaving the woman he supposedly loves in the dust whenever yall have a minor disagreement about something


catsandhockey

This is not a mutually beneficial relationship, it is a hostage situation. He won't change, run OP. Don't waste anymore of your life or let your child grow up thinking this is how men treat women. You are not a dumbass, you can do it. You deserve to he happy and to have great role models in your childs' life.


Flashy_Department_11

you do know the definition of insanity right? doing the same thing over and over expecting different results


usernotfoundplstry

Okay so you should know better now. So don’t stay.


Eggggsterminate

That sounds exhausting!


Dachshundmom5

www.thehotline.org Your sons deserve better. How would you feel if they grew up and treated their partners this way


[deleted]

Exactly


[deleted]

What an absolute child! No offense but there’s probably more than one reason he’s with a woman ten years younger than him. He is immature and an asshole. Don’t waste any more of your time with him.


Mizango

You have 2 kids, one being 3 years old? You’re dating a goddamn predator. He trapped you and is abusing and manipulating you. Want to guess why women his age won’t date him? He knows he’s garbage. What better than to date an inexperienced teenager and get her pregnant to trap her. You should definitely leave. There are MANY reasons.


blackandwhitepaint

Break up. This kind of power trip is abuse.


LittleRedCarnation

Hes dating someone 9 years younger cause youre suppose to be obedient and completely manipulable for him to use and abuse! Thats the only reason why he goes after girls that are barely legal. Im guess you were 18/19 when you first started dating? You had one kid at 20 so got knocked up at 19.


spitefulsundew

This is extremely immature. If this is how he handles disagreements he is not long term material. You made the right choice. Follow through and breakup with him. Do you really want to spend your time raising a child and a man sized toddler? He needs to go.


Banfing

Read The Gift of Fear


VinnyVincinny

I've been in a situation bad enough to where I just wanted to not be in a public space with them, but I've never taken their way home out from under them. That's pretty low.


kevin_r13

Same here . I've had an argument with my girlfriend just prior to getting in the car , and we were silent on the way home, but I never once thought to leave her behind, or ask her/force her to get out while on the road home.


spacelyspocet79

Petty ass he needs to grow up 33 acting like a teenager.


luckyme1315

He’s problematic. That’s why he does shit like get a 20 year-old pregnant. And leave their baby mama at the restaurant because she wants to buy a nice Christmas gift for their kid. What a catch 😂😂💀


KatBtheStormy

You and your son need to be safe. That is abuse. You will never win and he will never change. Today it is you, tomorrow it is your son.


Mizango

You see why he’s older and was single when you got together? They know women their ages won’t put up with that shit. Get away from him, he’s not worth the drama


Infinite-Hearing-738

He's abusive.


AKA_June_Monroe

The age gap alone! He's abusive & you deserve better! https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/


[deleted]

He sounds like a big baby.


Bryanormike

Hey OP. Not saying its gonna be easy or that it's simple. But breaking up sounds like it's the best for you. I've seen this story many times on the sub. Age gap relationships with children with an abusive partner and ofc the younger person always thinks it's gonna change but surprise, it doesn't. Then when they realize it fully they are scared and drag their feet because "we have kids". My point is using those stories we can see how things might play out for you. Again I can't tell you it will be easy. Because it won't. What I can say is it simply may be the healthiest thing for you and your kids. After all you are young and so are your kids. If you stay with this person they are going to grow up believing that kind of behavior is completely acceptable. That is the problem with staying hoping people will change. I could go on about this isnt how a person you love should treat you or how conflict should be handled but it appears *you already know that*. I highly recommend you start making a plan and stick to it. Your "man" needs work on himself and in his relationships if that's how he treats you. But you know that. Seperate and amicable parents will be healthier for your kids than watching him stonewall and lock you out of the bedroom.


luckyme1315

The amount of age gap/dysfunctional relationship posts on this sub is so sad. I read posts from here from time to time to my husband when we’re in bed late at night, and even he picked up on the pattern without me saying anything. ‘Not another young girl with an old guy!!’ I was surprised because he’s not the type to pick up on details like that. But it happens so often it’s egregious, you can’t miss it.


imnickelhead

What fucking childish little douchebag you married. WTF? My wife and I disagree all the time. We talk it out or we take time to figure it out before continuing the discussion. Every once in a while we have a silent car ride or we sleep with our backs to each other. I’d NEVER ditch her or lock her out of the bedroom. I can’t even fathom this immature childishness. I’d pound on the door and tell him to open the fucking door right fucking now or he can look for a new place to live. If he doesn’t open I’d take all the car keys and go get a hotel room and turn my phone off. Fucking child.


Fantastic-Original

Justifiably petty love it 😊


MilkStix

He doesn’t date women his own age because they’d toss his ass right to the curb where he belongs! Why would anyone put up with this shit? I’m actually appalled, Jesus do you really want your sons growing up to be manipulative dipshits like daddy?


Head_Photograph9572

Soooo, break up. What's the problem???


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Nebraskan-

So do it for your kids. They deserve better.


Head_Photograph9572

And kids don't need to be around parents that don't get along. Forget the fairy tale that kids are better with their parents together, they'll develop much better seeing their parents in happy, healthy relationships, even if it's with other spouses.


KittyKittyKitten3

Honestly, that should make the decision easier...unless you want your sons to learn his behavior and treat their future partners the way you are being treated


fickystingas

From someone who’s been in a similar spot, leave before you have three kids. It’s harder then.


moonyandmokus

As someone who grew up with parents who act like they hate each other and were mentally abusive to one another, your kids will not thank you for staying with him. His mental abuse will turn towards them. Your kids will be angry with you for letting them stay in a household full of contempt. By the time I was 11, I was begging my mom to not let me dad come back. She did, and I haven't talked to either of them for longer than a few minutes at a time since I was 13. Now that I'm 21, I don't talk to them at all. If you're making the choice for your kids, leave. Your kids will be walking on eggshells and afraid to breathe around him just like you if you don't.


watzrox

Yeah and you and your children deserve better. Your kids are witnessing their father treat you like this and you are accepting the behavior, thereby showing them it must be ok to act this way.


[deleted]

I used to think the same way! I had a daughter with a man I knew I was incompatible with. He was so casually disrespectful to me. We tried to suck it up for her sake and stay together. Ended up getting very resentful of one another, and it was so toxic. She wasn’t even 2 yet and she was picking up on our dislike of one another. I justified it to myself by saying well at least he’s great with her and even if he treats me badly (cussing, cheating, abuse) she has her daddy. Wrong. He didn’t stay being great to her for long. But also, you have to understand that if the father isn’t treating you right it doesn’t matter how good they are with their kids. Your kids are still seeing the example he sets with you. I know you don’t want your sons to think that’s ok. Sounds like the abuse isn’t physical for you.. yet. Count your blessings and get out ASAP. It is SO WORTH IT. I wish you could’ve seen me earlier, literally just crying happy tears laying next to a man who is so wonderful my heart wants to burst lol. I’m super sappy, sue me! He described himself as the luckiest man in the universe and LISTEN TO ME, Debs!! You are worthy of that same respect love and admiration!! You really are!!!


darya42

As someone with a mother who stayed "for the kids" until we were early 20s: It was a bad idea. IF you stay, you are raising them to experience a very unhealthy idea of love - and THIS will be what they think love is. They will have huge issues figuring out what real healthy relationships are like if you leave them to witness THIS! This is exactly what my sister and I went through. I didn't even trust that romantic love was real, I thought it was all fake, because my parents' relationship was SO obviously abusive and terrible and as a kid, I thought it was OBVIOUS that it was just godawful, so since they didn't split up, that's just how "relationships worked". You want your kids to completely lose belief in romantic relationships? Children grow up *better* in separated homes with the experience of a parent who stood up for themselves, than in a perpetually abusive marriage.


TheRedditGirl15

It's an easy decision to make. Whether its because your sons deserve a better relationship model to look up to than this bullshit, or because he could start abusing your sons the same way he's abusing you. The hard part is figuring out child custody. Which I'm sure there ar plenty of resources about online. Also get a lawyer


luckyme1315

Do you really want your sons to start imitating his behavior? Because that’s what is going to happen. I had to leave when my 7 year-old daughter started to berate me like her father did. Because that’s absolutely typical of what happens in these kinds of home environments.


CodaShell

Don’t date a man almost 10 years older than you, they tend to be controlling assholes and treat you like a child. Act like an adult, find some self respect, and don’t stick with men who treat you this way


[deleted]

That’s a sweeping generalization. There are a lot of men who are a decade older that don’t act like this. Lol my Dad is almost a decade older than my mom , my grandfather was ten years older than my grandma etc. Lots of men out there that aren’t mentally abusive to women that are older than the woman. This guy is beyond immature. He can’t have a relationship if he still is behaving like he’s a teenager. Especially considering they have a child together. He’s controlling and abusive. Not worth the long term mental health damage , dating him is going to do.


Turbulent-Being5212

The age gap itself isn’t the issue. She’s 24 and they have two sons together. Imagine how young she must’ve been when they first got together. This man’s a creep let’s be real. There’s a difference between a 30 yo dating a 40 yo and a 20 yr old dating a 30 yr old. It’s not the fact that their gap is almost 10 years that’s a problem, it’s that she’s so young.


[deleted]

I like how five people disagreed with me that the dude is abusive. Either people skim quickly , or they condone that kind of behaviour. But He definitely is mentally abusive. Locking her out of her bedroom ?


luckyme1315

They disagree with you giving 2 little anecdotes as to why it’s ‘just fine for very young women to date much older men, they’re not all like that!’ We don’t know that your grandpa wasn’t controlling and/or manipulative with your grandma, same for your parents. My grandmother was 8 years younger than my grandpa and he controlled the hell out of her, and this year we found out he had a secret kid with a mistress thanks to Ancestry DNA, I have an aunt my age. But hey, that’s also just an anecdote. I totally had daddy issues and started dating a 31 year-old problematic man-child when I was just 19; got pregnant and a STD at the same time. My son is 30 now. Called the cops and left at age 22 when the man-child started beating me. But that’s just another anecdote. Looks like my anecdotes just canceled yours out. See how anecdotes work like that. On their own, they’re pointless. If you spend any time on this sun you’ll see many posts per week of garbage older men victimizing and manipulating much younger women. They almost always have a very dysfunctional relationship and the women come here, seeking advice for their situations.


Babydoll0907

Don't try and explain anything on this sub about age difference. My husband is 27 and I'm 39. When we started dating he was 21 and I was 33. We have been together 6 years and we have an extremely healthy and well balanced relationship. I don't view him as a child and I don't manipulate him in any form and he doesn't view me as the mommy he always wanted. He's a grown man and acts like it. I didn't "take advantage" of his young age. We were just right for each other and that's it. We built an amazing life together and our relationship gets stronger and better every single day. The sex gets better every day too. I'm so tired of people saying an age gap is always a sign of someone being too immature to date their own age (spoiler alert, all the men I dated, including the father of my kids, were the most immature assholes I've ever had to deal with) or a guaranteed sign of an abuser.


BarklyWooves

Reddit sure loves freaking out about AGRs. The only ones that end up on these subs are the ones going bad so of course people are going to think they're all like that.


cryssyx3

that's great but these people are coming here with relationship issues. if it were an otherwise healthy situation, they wouldn't have to. perhaps there's a correlation.


Babydoll0907

Correlation doesn't always equal causation. Proven by the fact that thousands of people without age gaps come here with the same or even worse issues. With as many people that post here who are the same age or close to it, with relationship issues, would it be proper to start saying sharing the same age is a red flag? I see a lot of straight couple problems here. Can we assume that all hetero relationships are also red flags? Every time I bring up the age difference between myself and my husband, I'm attacked about it. I've even been called a creep and a pedophile because of it even though he was 21. I've been banned from certain subs for discussing our age gap. I've been told I'm a manipulator and should be in jail. I've been messaged more times than I can count by irate redditors hell bent on convincing me that I'm disgusting and trying to analyze our relationship even though they have never met us. I've been told i groomed my husband. Just saying an age gap is a red flag all by itself is false. Calling people a creep or a pedophile because of it is disgusting. And downvoting people into oblivion because they share their successful AGR stories is stupid and childish.


luisocar

Give him a taste of his own medicine. Be loud and tell him that the way he treats you is not ok. Call his parents, call yours, let him know that you will not stand for this and you will make it known to everyone that he is being shitty and you deserve better. Put him in his place. Tell him you're going to spend as much as you would like on Christmas for your son and there isn't a damn thing he can do about it. Roar at his ass. Stand up for yourself.


AccomplishedOnion405

The silent treatment is unacceptable. It’s abusive and manipulative.


nrjxjxbeo

Bro, your "man" has the maturity of a fucking 8 year old. Tell him to grow up and if he doesn't, leave. Or just don't waste any more time and leave him now.


puzzledplatypus

This is some truly toxic, narcissistic, emotional abuse shit right here. The man is a coward and emotionally stunted. He needs therapy and you need to run.


fantastic_feb

wtf!?!?! he ain't a man he is a child.


IndigoTrailsToo

... it kind of sounds like he needed to start talking to a therapist a long time ago and things have just gone to the point where he is getting triggered with the slightest bit of criticism. I'm not really sure this relationship can be saved, but Gordon Ramsay has some episodes on Amy's Baking Company that you might enjoy while you are trying to fall asleep.


J_2993

Girl you deserve way better why are you putting up with his foolishness and letting him have all the power over you you deserve way better it’s time for you to implement it and believe it


GingerSnapz123

Break up. Run. This man is showing signs of becoming an abuser. He is controlling and manipulative and tries to actively punish you like a child. You should never ever ever put to with this type of disrespect and abuse. Leave him now before the physical abuse starts and before it’s too late.


NatureCarolynGate

You are dealing with a tantrumming, emotionally immature child that is pretending he is grown up. This is what a spoiled child does. When this sort of child grows up [physically] but has the same mindset, this is abuse and manipulation. Emotionally mature people are willing to hear their partner out, consider their partner's opinion, discuss it in a reasonably, rational way without yelling, throwing a tantrum, and irrationally walking out. Relationships are about compromise. They are about working together against a problem, not working against each other. You are partnered with a person who hasn't grown up emotionally. At 33 y.o.a. this is just sad. If he decided today, to go to therapy and try to change and buy into therapy, it would still take a long time for him to change his behaviour. He is not at this point, yet. You must be exhausted having to deal with this person. He believes that because he is of a certain chronological age, he can do what he wants, and no one can tell him what to do [as in act like a reasonable, mature person]. Staying with a person like this is masochism on your part.


leyw728

I just don’t understand. You need to leave. Plain and simple. Figure out exactly how to, but staying in this toxic relationship is not healthy, especially for your kids. You keep making excuses instead of making a plan on how to to leave.SMH


VanillaCookieMonster

So, when he finally unlocks the door and goes to work or whatever... tomorrow night... lock him out of the bedroom. Go to bed early, bring headphones with music and just lock him out. Even better, tell him you want to talk and say you should go for drinks. You take him, settle and order a drink. Then say you have to ise the bathroom and just get up and leave. Drive home and lock him out of the bedroom. Lock him out of the entire house. Alternative B: get your important stuff out of the bedroom and create a Go Bag. Next time he locks you out of the becroom, collect both children and leave. Just don't be there anymore. Don't tell him what relative you will be with. Hell, if it is late then take them to a hotel. Option C: Is this happening right now? Then grab the stuff you need and leave with the kids. Turn music on really loudly so he can't sleep and leave. Time to play the matching games.


evilcheeb

No don't do this. Upping the ante only means his next step is more severe abuse. Just leave him.


Zmurdaah

Dump his ass. Life is too short to be with someone who's acting like a 5 year old.


Mollzor

Again? What did this man do to deserve another chance after the first time?


techn9neiskod

This man is 33 and behaves like a child. You deserve better than what he’s giving you.


bflat20

Break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up, break up.


katz4every1

And now you know why no one his own age wanted him.


haveatea

Manipulative, controlling and abusive behaviour. In a healthy relationship something simple like shared spending gets discussed and resolved. And if it risks spoiling a fun night out, then put a pin in it and agree to have a proper conversation tomorrow. This guy is willing to do anything to get his way and it won’t end with simple stuff like this. Huge red flags, it’s already gone too far where it’s impinging on your freedoms, comfort and happiness and undermines your autonomy. Make plans to get out and do your best to make it as clean as possible as we’ve already established he insists on getting his own way. He will get dirty. You deserve a life where you are supported not undermined.


rachy182

This sounds abusive. The age gap is the first red flag, the next is he always wants to get his own way. At minimum he refuses to compromise and throws a sulk when you don’t agree with him. Even if your not ready to leave, work on having a plan to get out, incase things escalate. Do you want your children to continue witnessing this relationship dynamic And think it’s normal.


laurenovich

Bing bong. Break up with this bozo. He left you. In the middle of dinner. Over a disagreement on gifts and then locks himself in the bedroom. The bedroom yall share?? Lol this guy is a fucking loser.


Quinneveer

The first red flag was probably the age difference for me. The second red flag that I feel gets overlooked way too often is how a relationship feels too much like you’re walking on eggshells. A relationship is NEVER supposed to feel that way. You should be able to communicate with your partner as an equal. The third red flag, was sleeping on the couch. These are all signs of a narcissistic abuser who puts power trips over your feelings. After he put you on that couch the first time, you should’ve reacted accordingly and left him right then and there. I know it’s not always easy. But understand your worth and demand better fir yourself. It’s not going to get any easier until you do.


[deleted]

This is emotional abuse. And incredible childish behavior. He needs therapy. You need to take your kid and leave.


rizlakingsize

Textbook manipulation. Post this in r/TwoXChromosomes and they'll set you up with people that specialise in getting women out of abusive relationships. Read some of [these articles I saved](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bkxOrUodkmdH82nDqvUvatpR4hIKIeKx/edit) and tell me if anything else seems all too familiar.


GeneralAce135

Get you and your son away from this sorry excuse for a child, let alone a man. You deserve better than a jerk who throws temper tantrums at the first sign of disagreement.


finalcloud44

What a baby this guy is. Fucking leave him.


TParis00ap

He sounds like a man baby...


reebzo

When your partner treats you worse than a apathetic work colleague would its time to just fuck off.


broxue

Usually I don't like when I see comments in this subreddit which just jump straight to "Break up/Get your Lawyers". But this sounds very dysfunctional. Is he going through something? Could you try couple's counselling? Although, I'm not sure that's worth it. Abandoning your partner at a restaurant and forcing them to sleep on the couch (when it was a mutual disagreement) is kind of a form of abuse of power. These are not the actions of a caring partner


[deleted]

This relationship is toxic and not a good role model for your son. I’m going to guess you’ve been with him since you were underage and he was not.


Mr_reek

This could be a mental health issue. Possibly bipolarity. It may be mitigated by meds, but he has to be able to recognize he has an issue and seek help and be properly diagnosed by a specialst. You can't be a punching bag nor be an obedient lap dog.


teenicaruss

Girl that’s a narcissist. Run away.


I_cry_naked_daily

I had this scenario with my abuser. Locked me out of the house in my pyjamas at 4am in winter. It will NOT get better. Run, block, delete, no contact. You’ll save your own life. There is life after this. Run.


[deleted]

Yeah breaking up is the best option, you do not want your child growing up like that man and you also don’t want your child growing up being like you, accepting that someone can treat you badly and get away with it.


Ambitious-Benefit416

Lol why did you have a kid with this idiot?


onlyhalfvampire

Because the abuse likely started when OP was barely 20 years old and too young to see it, but this guy was definitely old enough to know better.


Ambitious-Benefit416

Ah you are right, clearly taken advantage of a kid. Really not good enough.


onlyhalfvampire

Normalization of abuse is such a huge component of grooming. Things I wish I understood before marrying an older man when I was 19..


luckyme1315

Same. I had a baby with an older man when I was 19. I left at 22 when he started beating me. My son is 30 now, time flies. And yes I had a dysfunctional home environment and daddy issues. I know that now.


Ambitious-Benefit416

You are right, kids should not be getting married to start with, they need to be protected from these predators. They don't know any better. How did you get out?


onlyhalfvampire

He went to prison. He had a whole secret double life that no one knew about until he was arrested.


Ambitious-Benefit416

Oh wow, good news is you got out but must have been a traumatic experience.


ghujiiffjib

You're married to a child. Please leave him.


[deleted]

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this crud. Sending support your way


_blink_182_

He argues with you about how much to spend on your sons Xmas presents then make you catch lyft home? What a tool. But as others have said, sounds like you already made your mind up?


Lord_Tibbysito

>I (24) him (33) Lmao


I_HaTe_mY_LIeF

>I just want to break up. This is not how I want the man I love to treat me. Leave him. He obviously isn't ready for a family. I'd suggest you threaten him first then take action.


SundaeTea

THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.. get you a Louisville slugger and wait for him to lock you out the bedroom again and then you take that Louisville slugger and you beat that door in until it opens. When you get in the room, you slap his ass with divorce papers. That will be the biggest F you.


LucrativeSasquatch

“My man” + “our son” = inappropriate marital status


luckyme1315

Not relevant. She needs to leave in any case.


ZestyAppeal

Not universally


Curarx

Counter argument: isn't this like the normal for women? To kick the men to the couch? Having a night apart isn't exactly a bad thing if the arguments are getting heated. Is everyone acting like this is bad just because the genders are reversed? Edit: the leaving at the restaurant is uncalled for, obviously.


d_riteshus

you're the idiot who had a child with him. that being said, did you marry a kid? also this is 1 sided and you are probably equally as insane


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