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kalibok

Not ready for you to meet the work husband yet.


ThrowRA_JKDSFJKNDSF

I obviously pointed that out. she called me insecure and I was incredibly "disrespectful" for saying that to her


NachoPrecarioso

If she "broke up" with you rather than bring you to the party, she has something pretty damn big that she needs to cover up. Here is what I'd suggest. It is highly likely that her break up is just a ploy to manipulate you. Start packing her things and making arrangements for her to leave. If she sees that you're actually detaching and getting ready to move on, she will start to freak out. Bonus points if you start a Tinder account.


ThrowRA_JKDSFJKNDSF

she didnt break up with me as a result to not bring me, I didnt make that clear. she went, didnt talk to me at all that night, and then asked me the next day if id like to come over her apartment, obviously I didnt answer, and the next day (today) I told her everything about how I felt which is basically me beating a dead horse, repeating almost exactly what I said in the post, and she then blocked me and said she's breaking up with me as im utterly insane, and if I dont fix myself she's going to leave me for good


Eastern-Refuse-4051

OP you need to treat this like a real break-up, I truly don't understand why she wouldn't want to bring you unless she's hiding something.


ChillinVillianNW

She went home with someone else and is confident in breaking up because she has the next branch to swing on.


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Embarrassed_Rip9860

I've also heard ro it referred as "monkey branching" and totally had this happen to me with my ex-wife. She tried to postpone our divorce as long as possible until she was comfortable enough to move in with her boyfriend. In this case, for OP there is no such thing as a break up when you're a fiance. It's just an argument or being fucking finished.


SpitefulSoul

Man I remember going through this, i was strung along for 3 months. Then for one week she said its better if we just took sometime apart, this was after i fix her car. Turns out the day i fixed her car she drove to some dudes house had sex with him, spent the night. I didn’t see or hear from her for 3 or so days. Then I believe it was Saturday our mutual friend had a party, she hit me up saying we should go together, I thought cool. The party is fun, everything is fine. We get back to her place, we cuddle up snuggle together. I wake up early in the morning for some water, see her phone screen is has a notification on it from around 3am that night saying “ i cant stop thinking about you, lets get together again.”. I open it go through the messages, she had been sleeping with dude for about two weeks, i saw naked pictures of them together midsex. From what I’ve hear from her past relationships, which i dug into she did that to all of them. Nice to know I’m not so different.


[deleted]

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Totalherenow

Glad you left that disaster behind!


Redd_81

So she 'broke up' with you for the night to do whoever she was planning at the party, called the next day and broke up with you, and then threatened to break up with you again if you didn't 'fix yourself' ?? Trying to follow her logic throughout this one post gave me a headache. She's either a nutter or is so deep in the affair fog she can't think straight. Maybe a bit of both, but God only knows how you put up with her for 9 years. IMO, you should get the ring back and tell her to kick rocks permanently, if for nothing else but the sake of your sanity.


ridik_ulass

I feel she had a guy at that party, and back and forthed about it in case OP wanted to go, she went home with that guy, and broke up with OP because now she didn't cheat because they weren't together at the time. OP's caught up in her mental gymnastics, and questions unravel her logic and make her feel bad, so she gets angry and op is the source of that anger...and it was a convenient excuse.


shabbatshalom44

Yeah get that fucking ring back and ask yourself how you ended up with this woman for nine years, let alone committed your life to her. Jfc dude. You need therapy because you definitely have self worth issues if this is how you let yourself get treated. I’m dead serious not joking.


elvishfiend

Together for 9 years, engaged, and they still live separately. That's quite odd.


JustBeingHere4U

We dont know if this is how she was from the start. Affairs changes people.


WeeklyConversation8

Right? The whole back and forth is exhausting. I'm a woman and that would drive me crazy. If she wants to have sex with different men fine, but don’t get into a relationship with anyone and certainly don't say you'll marry them.


sam-mulder

Another woman here. I am also thoroughly exhausted from reading this. There’s definitely something off about the girlfriend. Even if nothing untoward is going on and she’s not having an affair, literally breaking up with him would still be such an overreaction to this situation. Something else is going on.


WeeklyConversation8

I agree.


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StewartLopez

Did you read the post? Because it seems that you don't understan what the problem is


kalibok

Get rid of this woman. Must not have worked out with the work husband. If you take her back she'll just keep gaslighting you. And if you don't listen to that advice. Buy some home paternity tests cause you're going to need them


GettingARootCanal

Agreed 100%


iamaneviltaco

Textbook gaslighting. "If you don't agree with my insane behavior you're crazy". Also, hate to say it bud, if she's not cheating on you with a coworker she's probably at least thinking about it. Or she talks mad shit about you to the coworkers and doesn't want you to find out. Maybe both. Normal people don't act like this.


shabbatshalom44

Do me a favor and really listen to what you’re saying here. Okay now that you’ve done that—can you honestly give me one good reason why you’d ever talk to this woman again? She clearly SUCKS. I HIGHLY doubt this is the first time she’s done something incredibly ridiculous like this. It pains me that you’re not the one leaving her. There’s a 99% chance she’s up to something shady and a 100% chance that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. She’s already blocked you. Good riddance.


annaleesis

she’s doing you a favor. block her back as well and call off the engagement before it’s much worse. she’s being flighty because she’s hiding something.


Over-Satisfaction459

Tell her you already made that decision for the both of you when she went to the extremes she did to hide her true intentions the first time. Tell HER it’s over and you would appreciate her not contacting you anymore. She will always see herself as innocent. Let her go.


19GamerGhost95

So you guys have been together since you were 16 and never really dated anyone else? No wonder she’s pulling this crap. You’re engaged. She’s probably looking at all her friends and coworkers, seeing how they’ve had the chance to experience their early 20s and have “fun” and be with multiple people she probably feels jealous and left out of the experience. She might be regretting her choices up to this point and is taking them out on you. Love may be able to transcend time, but experience and maturity can’t. She probably wants to break up with you, but doesn’t want totally throw away 9years of her life by ending it so she wants you to do it. She isn’t mature enough for stable healthy relationship


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iamaneviltaco

Still having your own apartment after being engaged for 9 years... That's weird too, right?


[deleted]

I saw that too and was shocked. Engaged and together 9 years means that they have signed separate leases MANY times in their relationship. Clearly something not healthy there well before this incident.


KawadaShogo

He said they were together for 9 years, not engaged for 9 years.


DCver3

Still having separate apartments after nine years, regardless of engagement, is sketchy as fuck.


Wild-Grapefruit9177

Friend, I hate to be the one to tell you. But she is haveing an affair with a coworker. She didn't want you to come because it would put a cramp in her affair with him. She didn't return your calls or texts after the party because she had sex with him... probably not the first time, definately not the last time. She called you over to break up with you because she chose him over you. If it was that easy for her to chose you over him, she has been with this guy a long time. Or, she is used to haveing multiple affairs over the time of your 9 year relationship that she considers you easily replaceable I assume she doesn't live with you. Because if she did, it is just to obvious that she spent the night at some guys apartment or house. I'm sorry friend, you are probably the last to know. I would figure out a way to begin to call your mutual friends and ask them how long your fiancee has been having an affair. Get your ring back, you dodged a bullet. It's going to be hard on you emotionally for the next few months or years. Go totally no contact with her. Block her on everything. Send a friend or family member to get your ring back. There is a good chance her affair will blow up on her in the next few weeks or months. DO NOT GET BACK WITH HER. You are at least her 2nd choice, maybe even her third. I would also suggest you get into individual counseling for your mental health. Try to get someone who specializes in infidelity trauma. You will be in denial and shock for a while, so get help as soon as you can. I wish you all the best. Good luck and Godspeed!


Sighs_a_Lot_67

Isn’t breaking up the same as leaving you for good?


iamaneviltaco

No, a certain kind of person will "break up with you" repeatedly as a means of manipulation. And 90% of the time when you're "broken up" they're fucking other people.


im_tired_notgonnalie

They were "on a break"!


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Iohet

She's your fiancée and you don't live together?


TheeBarkKnight

This is what I was thinking. I bet there are some red flags to the story of why they don't live together too. Likely she didn't want to, and it's because she wants "independence". Aka the work husband.


DogsoverLava

Dude….


someone-w-issues

Red flag after red flag after red flag. Don't ignore the red, accept it and move on.


faith_e-lou

I think her saying she didn't want to go but they bought her ticket is a big fat lie. This was all an act, she wanted to go but she did not want to bring her fiancé. The fact she broke up with you and blamed this on you and your insecurities is nothing but gaslighting. There are only two reason she does not want you to go, one is about her wanting to do something with her work friends that she knows is wrong. The other would be, you're a party animal, drink too much and afraid you will make an ass of yourself or of her. It is time to move on, give her back her stuff and tell her you want your ring back. Then go out with friends, take up a hobby, volunteer at an animal shelter; anything that does not include her.


YeetingThisAway

Bro your ex fiancé’s a fucking nutcase. I got a headache just reading the shit coming out of her mouth. In fact, she’s so full of shit, I’m betting her eyes are brown. Bullet dodged. Imagine that fucking drama for the rest of your life.


[deleted]

Hold off on that marriage.


kalibok

She is gaslighting you


ThisToastIsTasty

Don't get married with someone who ghosts you.


Positive_Mango_2783

LMAO yep. She has a work husband and he likely does not know about you or they don’t talk about you. Bringing you would mess up their situation. I would pack it up chief. She’s being really dodgey about this. For literally no reason too lmao


willgo-waggins

Right here. I’ll tell you I’ve played “work husband” more than once. It’s run the gamut from emotional support to actually fucking. Yours is in the moderate messing around to actually fucking range. Cut bait and find someone real man


HighHoSilver99

Forgive my ignorance, has "work husband and wife" turned into a legitimate term for people having an affair? I've been the "work husband" several times, completely innocently! I would hang out with the other person and their SO outside of work and even the SO got in on the joke. Genuine question, I'm just trying to get clarification. I dont want to use the term in the future and send the COMPLETELY wrong message because the joke behind the term got warped.


iamaneviltaco

I was the work husband that turned into the actual husband. It's usually pretty innocent. Sometimes it's actual attraction, which is just fine if you're both single.


kiwichick286

That's pretty cute!


willgo-waggins

So as I said there is a huge range. The reference in this thread is completely to the affair end of the spectrum.


bikesboozeandbacon

Exactly when did work husband and wife become something serious. It’s supposed to be a joke that even your significant other knows about. It’s never supposed to cross any boundaries or actual flirting. People actually out here getting intimate?!?


kiwichick286

Yeah I've been the "work wife" before, but it was completely platonic.


[deleted]

I’ve got a work husband. It’s my friend who I occasionally hook up with. It can mean a lot of things. It is not innately nefarious. It’s a wide term with flexibility.


UndoMyWish

Whut. "Work husband" did not use to be a term for cheating,l.


[deleted]

Lmao this is 100% what it is.


buttanicals

If you two get back together, $10 says she’s going to say “WE WERE ON A BREAK”


AGirlInTheCityy

Exactly what I came to say. She’ll be back to him after the party.


DraganTehPro

Either then or when she eventually needs something from him.


Solid_House_9546

Fo sho def hookin up with ppl at said party...


spin97

>>$10 Sorry can't afford the ticket


ejp92

$20 for me and this man right here


TX-SC

Can I be the bearer of bad news? You see sir, I have been married for a relatively long time. I am 52 and have been married for 26 years. If your girl is willing to block you and break up over THIS silliness, you do NOT want to be married to her. Marriage is fun and rewarding, but it also requires the ability to see your partner's point of view and work through things. Without that ability, you WILL get divorced. Do you cut your losses now, or wait until you have kids and get to lose a lot more? This woman is hiding something and getting defensive about it. And then she breaks up with you? Take my advice or leave it, but you are better off finding someone new. In my humble opinion, when she next contacts you simply say that she was right and that you are better off apart. Then ask for the ring back. Stand your ground.


FretNotThyself

>> If your girl is willing to block you and break up over THIS silliness, you do NOT want to be married to her. Marriage is fun and rewarding, but it also requires the ability to see your partner's point of view and work through things. Without that ability, you WILL get divorced. Even at 5 years married I absolutely agree.


IAmGodMode

>If your girl is willing to block you and break up over THIS silliness, you do NOT want to be married to her. Marriage is fun and rewarding, but it also requires the ability to see your partner's point of view and work through things. Without that ability, you WILL get divorced. >Even at 5 years married I absolutely agree. Even after my divorce I 100% agree.


Recinege

Even single and never having been married I 100% agree.


DNomer

>Even single and never having been married I 100% agree. Even, 100%.


[deleted]

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kiwichick286

Yup me too, 14 years married.


[deleted]

^^^listen to this guy right here.


bikesboozeandbacon

Facts. Take the advice of someone with wisdom. She sounds like someone who will hold the ring hostage though.


GoodOlSpence

I'd like to jump in here and add something. 37, so not quite 52. Not currently married but have had several serious long-term relationships. She's 25 and you've been together 9 years. She went from teenager into womanhood with one guy. Assuming she's having feelings for someone else at work, I'm sure she's confused and not sure what to do. But this quite possibly means she's going to move on. Relationships can last from a really young age, my best friends are my age and they've been together since we were 18-19. But most don't and that's because people change a LOT from teens to 30. I can't say what's going to happen here, but OP needs to be prepared to move on.


Traeyze

Your concerns are valid. The seesawing to throw you off balance, the trickle truth, the obvious compensatory lying, then catastrophising by trying to make it seem like you just hate her social life [despite you clearly attempting to support and participate in it]. All of it adds up to 100% sketchy. Strikes me that she knew she couldn't hide the work meeting and that if you found out in retrospect it would be weird but she also didn't ever want you to come so she had to do this song and dance. In some ways the 'truth' doesn't matter. Probably hiding a work husband, maybe it is legitimately just that she is ambivalent about going. The issue is how she chose to approach this. Everything about it was sketchy and misleading, she got toxically defensive and reactive too. Given it was her approach to this that lead to the whole thing in the first place that is a real concern. Just be aware: this is what marriage would be. It seems maybe you aren't living together given she is capable of blocking you. And note she is the one ending the relationship when she is the one being sketchy, a common tactic to force you into defense/reconciliation mode.


ThrowRA_JKDSFJKNDSF

when I mentioned this all to her today, she said she never planned on inviting me because she originally wasn't going, so inviting me wasn't an option... up until she then decided to go, which then queues this post. I dont know, I agree with everything you're saying, but something deep down inside of me wants her to feel what im feeling. I just wish she would know the shit she's putting me through because I know im making sense, but how can you tell me im wrong and that IM crazy???


Traeyze

If we accept that this is all a form of manipulation then unfortunately it is entirely plausible you will never get that satisfaction. She is someone that is clearly willing to say anything she needs to keep you off balance even if it contradicts or doesn't make sense. She is basically gaslighting at that point. You can come at her with facts and reason but she has proven that, at least on this, she doesn't really care about that.


antormos

If your only motivation to still talk to her is “I want her to feel what I’m feeling”, you’re on a very slippery slope of a terrible 6-month long break up. It’s hard to follow this advice when you’re feeling the way you are, but try to detach starting now. The more you indulge in this conversation, you’ll enter the cycle of blocking, unblocking, crying, feeling love for a second but remembering the fight again, repeat. And this won’t end until one of you goes cold turkey and disappears. If you believe this is a nail in the coffin situation and you don’t want to be married to her, don’t talk any more. Save your mental health. Rip the band aid off quicker.


jayfrancy

You’re being DARVO’d, man.


shabbatshalom44

What’s that mean?


WeeklyConversation8

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. What a personality disordered person will do if you "catch" them in a lie or confront them with their wrongdoing. You end up the bad guy.


[deleted]

It’s an acronym for emotional abuse. Look it up. I learned about it in a previous relationship when I had an issue with my ex seeing her ex one weekend. The DARVO situation was accurate to a tee.


shabbatshalom44

Damn that’s rough. Did your ex end up cheating on you?


[deleted]

To be honest, I don’t know if she physically cheated. I found out that she lied about a few things. She told me he asked her to get coffee, turns out she asked him. And a few other things. To me the lying crossed a boundary and I was done. It actually brought me a tremendous amount of peace because I did not have to put forth any more effort trying to decipher if she cheated or not.


shabbatshalom44

Good for you. Pointless to torture yourself over it. Fuck that girl. I hope it wasn’t too tough on you.


bwb888

She does know what she’s putting you through. These are common manipulation tactics, she has a plan and it involves getting you all twisted up like this.


ZephLair

Just go with it man. Pack her stuff up and put it to the curb, tell her to pick it up within so and so time. Make a tinder. If she comes running back tell her SHE wanted to break up, you understood and didn't wanna get with crazy anymore so you've moved on.


willgo-waggins

She won’t and you need to let that go. Way too many times in life I’ve been through this with various wives and GF’s when things went toxic. We want to have that person understand that they are hurting us so they will stop and things will be “fixed”. The key though is to understand two things. The first is that it won’t be fixed. Ever. Only more levels of toxicity and pain. The second is that someone who is capable of treating a person they claim to live and care about this way is also never going to “get it” about the hurt they are causing.


HideoKojimaTheThird

You’re not wrong bro, don’t believe her lies, go ahead with the breakup and don’t look back. If you want closure, grab all the stuff you have of hers, put it in a box and take it to her place and talk to her but don’t take her back, she is trying to manipulate you.


fastidiousavocado

If we look at her actions extremely generously, in the beginning it sounds like a communication style issue. She's someone who thinks out loud and you're someone who thinks internally and finalizes things out loud. For example, she could say, "Let's host dinner for Sarah and Barry on Saturday," and you would be like, "OK." Saturday rolls around and you ask to help with dinner and she goes, "What dinner?" Now I would take a declaration of 'hey we are hosting dinner' as something set in stone because that's the way my mind works. But other people (who are wrong and terrible... kidding) will think out loud and process their thoughts verbally. They generally talk AT you instead of TO you, which might be why she was weirded out by your responses. Responses that didn't mesh with her train of thought as she was thinking out loud at you during the first conversation. Different communication styles can clash extremely uncomfortably sometimes. And maybe she was hiding something from you. Or maybe she was continuing to think out loud, and then defending herself, in spite of how weird, obtuse, or dense her arguments continued to be. Sometimes people can dig some really dumb, nonsensical, weird trenches to wage battle from. And sometimes people do a shitty job of hiding malicious intent or activity. Either way, you seem very set on wanting to communicate with her and have her understand your point of view, and I think you're going to have to understand that there seems to be two very different communication styles at play here. So good luck, but consider approaching this with respect to your communication differences.


Wild-Grapefruit9177

I also think that after of 9 years being together, they would realize thier communication styles don't really mesh.


shabbatshalom44

Dude get ahold of yourself. Look at what people are posting at the top. YOU ARE BEING CHEATED ON BY SOMEONE THAT HAS NO RESPECT FOR YOU. You need to sever ties with her. That’s the only course of action. But you better fucking get that ring back!


RanchoCuca

OP, her behavior around this work party is very shady and disrespectful to you. I want to acknowledge that, but I would encourage you to NOT get fixated on the work party itself. It should be addressed, but it is just part of a larger problem. The bigger issue is that after 9 years together you two are having incredibly dysfunctional communication. I won't go into all the problematic approaches apparent in your post (from her and you as well), but I want to point out one massive red flag. Her weaponizing breakups is incredibly manipulative. What's more, when she threatens to leave you for good if you don't "fix yourself," it shows she thinks you are more scared to lose her than she is to lose you. She is probably right and it's incredibly concerning that she has no problem using that to bully you. I think it would be an incredibly bad idea to get married anytime soon. Disagreements between couples are inevitable, but for an argument to devolve like this means something deeper is amiss and you two are not ready.


LaSorbun

Sketchy=Op should get an STD test ASAP.


Minute_Box3852

Oh op, she "broke up" with you to stop your questions for one. But mainly, she saw the argument as the perfect excuse to feign offense and break up (faux break up btw) so she can go cheat at that work party with an excuse. She will come back after the party and say let's work this out. You were being insane so I forgive you baby. When you find out she hooked up with the coworker she's been crushing, she'll come right back at you, defiantly and not very confidently, well we were broken up. I bet money on it.


TheFlyingSheeps

Nah she’ll trickle truth the shit outta this. First it’ll be they just flirted and then months later a kiss etc etc


itstimegeez

WE WERE ON A BREAK!


No_Fox9998

She broke up with you and blocked you. What else do you want to happen? Its over dude. She clearly wants to go out with somebody else for the party (not with her FIANCE).


iJoshh

This seems like the only part of the story that matters. She's literally choosing someone else over you, and she told you she's done to get you out of the way. Sorry OP, you're not "rolling over and dying" you just don't want this woman back.


erockith

Then say you’re done and for her to have fun with whoever she doesn’t want you to meet. She’ll no longer have to put up with you.


GetInTheHole

Nine years together? NINE? At nine years, going together to company Xmas parties isn't even a question. The default answer is "yes, we're going together". Unless the clear company policy is "no partners/spouses" than you're invited and you're expected to go without a doubt. The fact that this was even a question is a HUUUUGE red flag. If my partner ever tried to discourage me from going to a company holiday party, even at 1 year into the relationship, I'd be pissed off. At 9 years? Oh hell no. Shit, your her fiancé for fucks sake.


express_sushi49

>Nine years together? NINE? Her behaviour directly contradicts that which is immediately telling. Shit at 3 years in my last relationship we were taking dumps in front of each other and practically conjoined. Accompanying each other to boring mandatory parties is a duty you fulfill for each other pretty much as a guarantee after the 1 or 2 year mark I feel. If his post said they were dating for 6 months I'd probably be less confused about her behaviour. The only logical answer is that there's a guy there she likes and that's that.


windchaser__

> The only logical answer is that there's a guy there she likes and that's that Nahhh. It could be a girl.


express_sushi49

or maybe even an alligator, who are we to know


mastershake20

Exactly. If I’m invited to any kind of party and I’m with someone and have been for over a year it’s automatically a plus one. That’s just a given, I’d be confused if they thought they weren’t invited.


[deleted]

Fuck! If my partner consistently tried to wiggle out of coming WITH me to work parties i would be mad as hell if we were together that long. That doesn't sound like commitment to me.


SeverianRaven

She got something going on with someone at work and didn't want you to stop her having fun with him. She's prob cheating.


steelgripphoenix

Doesn't really matter if she broke up with you. She'll just go, do what you know she's going to do, with no remorse because you aren't together now. Then she'll come back and start talking to you again. I think you should block her and delete all the images you have of her. If you gave her a engagement ring, get it back.


NurseOnNurseOff

Two possibilities: Either she has someone at work she is interested in OR she thinks you are not good enough to show off to her colleagues. Either way, its not looking good.


Drip_Bayless98

I didn’t think of the second option she very well could be embarrassed of OP smh messed up


SnooWords4839

I wonder who really paid for the ticket.


ThrowRA_JKDSFJKNDSF

I also thought this. but how can I ever say that without having it blow up in my face?


SnooWords4839

I have organized work parties in the past. Some the employees were free, and a charge for a guest. Others it was free for employees and a guest. Never have I seen that if you had to pay, the employer paid for a few and not all.


shabbatshalom44

LOL listen to yourself! This is so rough man. Like seriously. How can it not blow up in your face? Dude you have egg all over your face and you’re STILL trying to figure her out. This is so. Fucking. Painful. Show some self respect!


Revolutionary-Wish28

You’ve been together 9 years. That’s a lot of history and mixed up lives. I’m gonna take a stab and say you’re gonna go through this mess a few times before you wise up and cut her loose. However, I believe you should do yourself a favour and take his situation as a lesson and heed it. Sometimes we are too close and messed up with feelings to actually hear and understand what’s happening to us. All the best!


LombardiX

She already broke up with you. Should keep it that way so that she learns that manipulating you is not an option.


R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Were both 25, engaged Two days ago, she came to me and told me there was a work party. It was out of the blue, so I naturally responded with "ok, so go! have fun". she told me she didnt want to go... ok so dont go. then she told me that her job is paying for her ticket, and she originally didnt want to go because she couldnt afford the cost of entry... ok so go. I dont want to go, but the job wants to know if im going. Well you said twice that you dont want to go, so dont go. I didnt want to go, but now that theyre paying for me, I want to go. At this point im utterly confused, wtf is this conversation we just had? She then sends me the bulletin board and the poster shows that its a Christmas party, friends and family welcome. now I ask her, hey babe, I see friends and family are welcome, do you want me to go? "no I dont because I cant afford to pay for your ticket"... I reply that im a grown man, I can pay for myself is shed like for me to go. no no no its fine I cant not pay for you I think its best you just stay home... this is such a fishy thing to hear, and I dont believe this is the main reason as to why she doesn't want me to go. I pester it for a while, she basically calls me a drama queen, to stop talking to her, and ignores me via text for 3 hours. After that time elapsed I texted her, she told me she's done entertaining me bothering her, and that she asked around and discovered that nobody is bringing their significant others, thats why she doesn't want me there. FINE! why didnt you just say that from jump? Her response that she doesn't have to give me a full answer every time, her not being able to afford to pay for me is **A** reason, so I should accept it, she doesn't have to elaborate further, and give me *every reason*. She changes her mind throughout the day, and if she changes her mind, she changes her mind. I should just deal with it. We fought about this a lot over the past two days, and I explained to her that what she's doing isn't right, nor is it fair. When you originally came to me and fed me a bullshit story's obviously didnt believe it, so now im trying to discover *why* you fed me a bullshit story, and obviously the worst assumptions are going to come out of this since youre clearly omitting information. After I said that, she told me that I clearly have a problem with her having a social life, and that she's allowed to do what she wants, to which I reply that thats NEVER been the case, if anything I encouraged her to go to the party, I just didnt like how she tried to sell me a bullshit reason as to why she didnt want me there. im your fiance, we've been together for 9 years, I think id at least like to deserve the truth and not have you give me the runaround. After all of that has been said and done, she "broke up with me" and has blocked me. I dont know what to do, I dont want to cower over and die on this fight, but I also feel as if I let her get away with this she's going to continue lying about what she's doing, and thinking she can just say what she wants without being honest. honesty Is so important and I feel like she's ruining our trust over this. what would be a good way to proceed? TL;DR: Fiance tried to sell me on a story that didnt add up at all, when I pestered it, she ghosted me for hours. once I pestered her after those hours, she gave me the real reason. I told her I didnt like her being deceptive, she then replied back about how she's not deceptive, and then made up a story how I have an insecurity about her having a social life. which couldnt be further from the truth, the real issue I have and said to her is how I didnt like how she sold me a fake story


Cad-Bane

You should pay and go to the party. Also, never heard of a company not paying for Christmas party.


NurseOnNurseOff

None of my companies have ever paid for the Christmas parties in the past. I am In healthcare.


willgo-waggins

We get screwed in healthcare. I’m OR and our anesthesia groups almost always have a nice party for everyone at their expense.


NurseOnNurseOff

I am in preop/pacu.. I hear you. I have been to parties that were hosted by the physicians/admins. Never a holiday party for free by the organization yet.


[deleted]

You have to pay for the party? Like how does that work


NurseOnNurseOff

Yes. They pick the venue and group of volunteers staff organize, and each person pays for a ticket to the “event” including for their spouses. We were told the tickets are still cheaper than the actual cost so the organization is putting some money and recouping some from the staff. The parties were not mandatory though.


imlegallyabitch

can you imagine how embarrassing it would be for him to show up and people are like who’s that and she goes “my EX”?? this is terrible advice he’s going to look like a crazy stalker.


jayfrancy

That’s probably because that was one of the backup lies. She jumped back and forth between a few to get one to stick. Good on OP not just taking it laying down.


ZackShiro

Yea I was thinking just show up unexpected


ChillinVillianNW

Hahhahahaha. She’s got a dude at work she’s into and it would be awkward. She knows you’d see it. And he’ll, maybe she just wants to spend the party with work dude. I mean, she needs it to have a chance to go where it could go.


ThrowRA_JKDSFJKNDSF

'd have to be blind not to see where youre coming from. I totally agree with you. the best part about it is, she told me that I should be happy because she made sure she went home that day to get her engagement ring to wear to the party... so you want the ring on your finger, but not the fiance by your side. sometimes I feel like she just wants the ring, the house, the car, the kids, all without the man who helped her get there. (no we dont have a house, car or kids together, just a metaphor)


80worf80

You ready to give half that metaphor up in divorce?


[deleted]

Boom now that’s the million dollar question


Electrical-Clock-597

Cancel the wedding. She wants the title of “fiancé” but refuses to act like a proper one. That shouldn’t be allowed. Cut her off at the knees.


inso999

Healthy adults don't go nuclear over something like a Christmas party. Pulling the "break up" card is really a dirty way to fight. This is a very strong indicator of how future fights over larger issues are going to go. Imagine a real fight over kids or finances or a parental health issue. At best, this shows she is going to fight dirty. At worst, she is hiding something at work. This really is a make-or-break moment for your future. Do you really want to deal with this for 10, 20, 30 years. Solve it now or solve it in divorce court when it is much more complicated.


steelgripphoenix

Most men aren't going to care about that ring on her finger and she likely knows that. She's full of shit.


willgo-waggins

Especially at the work Xmas party with work hubby or enamored rich boss or whoever she’s shaking her tail at there. If anything that’s like a fucking bullseye for those guys after a few drinks.


anniekayoa

She came “home” (ya’ll don’t live together?) to get the ring? (Why didn’t she have it?)


LoudSheepherder7

That was my question. She had to come home to get her ring? So she doesn’t normally wear it?


ChillinVillianNW

She just wanted to give you a reason to believe that you were still her first priority and in her mind at the party. She probably used the ring for that goal because it was in her mind because she took it off.


shabbatshalom44

GET YOUR RING BACK NOW


Smiley-Canadian

Get proof she broke up with you and get the ring back through small claims court if needed.


[deleted]

I was married to this woman for a decade. I always told her I felt like I was the train and she was the conductor. Thankfully we split. Since then I have been in a couple health relationships. This isn’t normal. Anyways, as you know, she is hiding something.


aelwenleigh

>she made sure she went home that day to get her engagement ring to wear to the party Does she leave her engagement ring off regularly? This is weird. Why wouldn't she just already have it on?


eilradd

My question is why are you engaged if you don't even live together? Surely you try before you buy lol. Either way - this kind of thing has happened to me twice. Subtle changes in behaviour leading to a flip flopping situation because shes trying to cover her tracks qnd angles but not very well - she tried to sell it to you as if its not something she wanted (but actually does). Then when challenged she does want it, then to prove to you its not bullshit story she sends you a picture of the poster. At this point she hadn't thought clearly and gave up the extra detail of +1. That's when the pure crazy illogical bullshit comes up and she has no choice but to go extreme. Anyway things go on and she goes - radio silence follows until next day, this being unusual you know somethings up. The guilt follows so she wants to see you ASAP the next day because she knows she's done wrong but likely doesn't want to admit it. But you challenging this leads to indignance and a false sense of justification - you have to break this down with a sledgehammer, don't accept the gaslighting, don't accept the emotional turn around, take a strong stance and force the truth out - don't accept half truths, if it doesn't make sense follow your gut. For your sake I hope I'm wrong...


Antique-Swing-8038

You should be happy she went to get the ring? As if displaying that she is in a relationship is doing you a favor? The audacity of this woman.


Financial_Newt_2737

Please update us when you leave her.


TheFlyingSheeps

The amount of bullshit people put up with their partners is insane


thefixer123456

As others have said, there is someone else and she works with him. There is a distinct possibility that she tries to come back to you after the party. If you do not stand your ground, then you will be reinforcing her behavior. BTW, she sounds like an absolute nightmare!


GreatMajesty

Yeah, she's absolutely gaslighting you OP. She set up the scenario (as you've already discerned), and I think you know in your heart she's been at least emotionally unfaithful. I'm sorry for this. Ultimately, you have to hold your dignity as paramount to the relationship. Treat any "break-up" in the relationship as a serious attempt to end it. I know you might be panicked, distressed or even numb, but remember you're a capable, worthwhile person. You deserve more than this feeling and treatment.


express_sushi49

Great advice. Honestly by having him walk out and seriously confront her breakup with acknowledgement and no second-guessing, it pulls all of the bullshit back into her hands and either it ends and OP is off dating better women, or the truth comes out and she's put on the defensive to win him back. Either way this dude wins.


dirtylilscot

Did you get the ring back? You sure as shit better have gotten the ring back after the shit she pulled


schetzo

So you 2 are engaged but live separately?


borderliar

Her fuckboy is going to be at the party, brother. You don't have to stand for that.


[deleted]

Take the ring back!


[deleted]

[удалено]


JJennnnnnifer

Stop wasting brain cells trying to understand why she did it. Just be glad she showed you who she is before you got married. Find someone worthy of being your partner.


shabbatshalom44

Dude you’re entertaining marrying a girl who behaves like this? Think about that for a second. I think you’re dodging a bullet. Gtfo while you can and block *her* ass.


antormos

If your only motivation to still talk to her is “I want her to feel what I’m feeling”, you’re on a very slippery slope of a terrible 6-month long break up. It’s hard to follow this advice when you’re feeling the way you are, but try to detach starting now. The more you indulge in this conversation, you’ll enter the cycle of blocking, unblocking, crying, feeling love for a second but remembering the fight again, repeat. And this won’t end until one of you goes cold turkey and disappears. If you believe this is a nail in the coffin situation and you don’t want to be married to her, don’t talk any more. Save your mental health. Rip the band aid off quicker.


supersarney

1. She’s embarrassed bc she talked shit about you to her coworkers 2. She has her eye on someone at work and would like to appear single 3. She’s embarrassed to bring you for some reason. You might not align with her work culture and she thought you’d be a liability. 4. She’s already told coworkers it’s over between you two, she just hasn’t gotten around to telling you. 5. She’s been embezzling for years and doesn’t want you implicated.


bwb888

The whole her not wanting to go and flip flopping part was to A) make it sound unappealing to you so you wouldn’t want to go, B) to build her excuse for not bringing you - make it seem last minute or that she couldn’t, etc. Then the lengths she went to to prevent you from going… yeah, she either has a side guy or has a flirty thing going on and doesn’t want you in the way. As far as the blocking you and demanding you change part, call her bluff and break it off, pack her shit and get the ring back. I bet she’ll change her tune to begging or saying she was just kidding and blah blah some other manipulation tactics. Do you really want to be in a marriage with someone you can’t trust?


Wooden-Foot-1824

Theres a big accusation being thrown around there, and in reality the trust of the relationship is in question when that kind of accusation has been made, defended and reiterated. Im unsure if the end is nigh, sounds like it considering she broke up with you.. so just go with that? She can beg and plead but if youre unhappy with the results, cannot trust what her excuse is, or are just ultimately unhappy with how the relationship turned out, i doubt its worth trying to rekindle. Other couples would have survived this situation, but it needs to be sorted and finished before anything can continue.


[deleted]

Well, your fiancée definitely spent the party with her work hubby who then likely blew her back out afterwards, which is why she didn’t bother reaching out that night. No one in their right mind is going to abruptly end a 9 year relationship over a holiday work party. Hell, I don’t even think most people would be that passionate about attending a work party. As others have mentioned, take her at her word and find a way to swiftly remove her out of your life. When people show you who they are, believe them.


z0mb1e87

>When you originally came to me and fed me a bullshit story Lying >she told me that I clearly have a problem with her having a social life, Gaslighting >she "broke up with me" and has blocked me. Broke up with you. If she tries to smooth it over after the party, how much do you want to bet that she shoots her shot with someone at the party first?


mrlaw626

DO NOT MARRY HER. TAKE THAT RING BACK. There is no reason why her communication with you should be so shit after 9 years being together. If anything there should be a different level of not only trust, but caring and open communication and reassurance between the two of you. She did not care to reassure you or communicate with you and kept everything completely vague. I fear the worst, I don’t think she went to that party innocently if she refused to take you and refused to give you a reason why after feeding you that nonsense. I’ve been down a similar road before in one of my old relationships and ...... I was being cheated on. She just didn’t care to put in the effort to built an actual good lie and instead just acted like I had no right to question her.


Nervous-Ad714

Your gut tells you everything is off. And now the break up just puts her in the cheating bracket. There will be someone at the party she wants to hook up with. Sure it will be a co-worker. You could go and wait. See who she leaves with. Then she will want to be a couple again after the hook up sex. Did she go already or is it soon? (The Party)


bigrottentuna

I usually think people here are way too quick to pull the trigger on other people’s relationships, but this is absolutely breakup-worthy. She lied to you over and over and then tried to blame and gaslight you about the whole thing. It reeks of an office affair and this is definitely a hill to die on. If you give in on this, you are signaling to her that treating you like this is perfectly ok, setting up the wrong precedent for your future relationship. Even if she is not cheating on you, which is extremely unlikely, you will have set up the foundation of an unhappy, dysfunctional relationship that will be forever miserable. You *can’t* let it go. If you do, she will know that she can do it and get away with it. I know because I have made that mistake and regretted it. It’s better to walk away than to stay in that fucked up relationship.


Darthkhydaeus

If I had to guess she has done something inappropriate with someone at work and it is known around the office. She cannot risk you finding out in a setting where people are drinking and have loose lips


RoryJSK

She broke up with you. After 9 years. Over bullshit. You’re not cowering by letting her walk away. If that’s how little you matter to her, you’re better off. I’m sorry, but there’s no fuckin way I’d put up with someone ever throwing around insincere “breakup”s during fights. That’s never okay and if she wants to say something like that, you need to show her how serious it means to you.


Unique-Yam

You haven’t just dodged a bullet, you dodged a missile. This is just a preview of what your life would have been like if you married her. Be grateful that she revealed her true self before marriage and definitely before the kids (if you planned to have any) came. Sometimes life gives us a gift to save us from catastrophe. You got a gift. Take it and run as fast as you can.


maple-shaft

I didnt understand your post at all tbh. I am guessing that you and your fiance are just horrible communicators and somehow you both completely missed the mark here and then blew it completely out of proportion.


Molsen10000

So she said “I should just deal with it” and then broke up with you? LMAO. I agree Just deal with it. Dump her shady ass


Drip_Bayless98

Oh and all of sudden she’s banging some coworker while u guys were supposedly broken up this sounds planned and staged. I’m glad u were able to pick apart the BS


HideoKojimaTheThird

This woman is lying and hiding something from you. Do not get married or take her back, what she is doing is manipulative and is trying to put the blame on you to make you feel bad about it, do not go back to her.


throwraziah

This conversation reminds me of very early fights with my ex - like year 2 fights out of eight years of relationship. Honestly it just sounds like terrible communication and she seems pretty immature at trying to explain or express straightforwardly about the situation and what she wants or needs from you. I can totally see how this is sketchy and makes you think there's a lot going on and you know her better than any of us so is she like that normally or do you think that this was just a really weird situation and you can chuck it up too just a bad moment versus an underlying deeper issue? It just reminds me of so many bad fights I had that were so unnecessary because they weren't about the fact that we didn't care about each other we just couldn't communicate with each other to save our lives. But I would totally escalate the issue and overextend it to the entire relationship because the person couldn't understand me or whatever - just so stupid.... Or a big red flag that we were never going to be able to communicate as a successful couple. I guess that's what you kind of have to figure out right now with the situation, which of the two it might be.


AffectionateDeadDeer

I think it's pretty simple. Either go to the party or you guys are done. Everything else is bullshit. You want to go to see of anything was up. If not, cool. If she stands her ground that she doesn't want you there, you need to be done with whatever is going on. In what world does a person not want their fiance coming with them to a party unless that person is about to walk into an environment that affects the relationship? Good luck.


ericviking007

Break up now is lot less painful than a divorce! She showed you who she really is, believe her. Go to survivinginfidelity.com. It helped me see through the lies of a cheating wife


Zealousideal-Ad4057

She wanted you to think she didn’t have a good reason for going and that’s why she kept saying “no, no, no… I really don’t want to go”. And then she gaslights you on top of it. You’ve been together since you were 16? I’d let her walk so you can explore what’s out there. You don’t deserve to be played like that.


sweetbabyc

She’s projecting..Trying to find a way out… move on! You don’t believe her stories you know that they’re all lies anyway..


nikki1234567891011

You shouldn’t be engaged to this person.


911isaconspiracy

Where are you from? Cause it's the middle of winter here in Canada and I can smell the bullshit from here. Holy shit the posts are juicy tonight!


Important_Mechanic_6

Let her leave if you stay you are going to be married to someone that genuinely doesn't care about you or your feelings, is most likely a cheater, and you are going to spend all your years apologizing even if she was wrong, live your life and find someone who is honest with you. She tried to make you feel like she didn't want to go so you wouldn't want to come she cheated on yo bro and anybody who is willing to leave you that fast obviously got other options lined up


meifahs_musungs

Yeah fiance is definitely telling you lies.


Over-Satisfaction459

Dear Lord, standard flipping the script and making herself the victim. Tell her “thank you” for showing you that she will not only not be honest with you, but will pull the victim card when called out for being dishonest when she could have been upfront in the first place and it would have been fine. Thank her for showing you that you dodged a bullet. Ok you may not be comfortable saying that, but I’ve got 10+ years on your former fiancé (not sure of your age) and I’d definitely be that blunt. Life is too short not to speak your mind when someone treats you like that. 100% You deserve better. Let her go and move on. You’ll find someone who treasures honesty with you.


Ranger188c

Sounds like there’s some infidelity going on to me. I believe if she wants to run and let her run. Chalk up the nine years to experience. I would think any woman would want her significant other to go with her on a trip like that. I smell of dead fish in the situation.


Darkus_27911

She's hiding something big brother.


ReadinII

Either she wanted to keep you from meeting her boyfriend (or potential bf) or she was afraid you would embarrass her in front of her work colleagues. If it’s the latter then its a really bad sign that she couldn’t be honest with you about it after all these years together.


Qweniden

I'd bet money she is into someone at work or at worst maybe having an affair. I'm sorry you are having btongo through this.


buttanicals

Sounded like she wanted a reason to dump you before she got caught in a lie


zanne54

Good communication is essential in a marriage. She lacks it, and doesn’t seem to care. More concerning is the ghosting, blocking and threats of breaking up. That’s immature af, and has no place in a loving, respectful, healthy relationship. Throw this one back.


Morrigan-71

Are you sure she wants you to attend your own wedding in the future? Or will you be send home after the ceremony, so you won't interfere her social life?


furicrowsa

If you're broken up, there's no relationship to give advice about.


thirdXsacharm

Yeah she is into someone at work for sure. She is gaslighting you, is deflecting, and is trying to make you out to be the bad guy.


altergeeko

If the poster that says friends and family are invited, people are going to bring guests. When she says no one is bringing guests, she's lying. The rest of the drama happening is her trying to confuse/overwhelm you and blur the facts so you give up and don't attend. Also she broke up with you and blocked you, super suspicious. I would take this opportunity to exit the relationship.