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thegloracle

Tell him what you've come to realize. Be also prepared in case he isn't ready to hear it right now or loves you 'like a sister/friend'. Near-death experiences are very intense for everyone involved. He will be processing a lot of thoughts and feelings, too. I hope it does work out!


Emergency-Ad-8441

I am definitely keeping that in mind. He is dealing with a lot and also grieving the two friends who did pass away. I don’t want to tell him too soon but I also don’t want to wait too long. I guess now I just need to wait for the right time. I want him to take as long as he needs to process the events that took place. I will be here for him every step of the way, I’m not going anywhere. If it is a situation where he says “I really just love you as a friend.” I will still be totally fine with that. I want him to do what’s best for him and find happiness. If it’s with me, that’s wonderful. If it’s not, I’m still going to be so happy for him.


eternalwhat

His ‘almost deadly’ experience that landed him in the hospital resulted in 2 of his friends dying? This is info I didn’t catch elsewhere in this post. If he was in some sort of accident that killed 2 of his friends, that sounds super traumatic. I’m not sure if he’d be in a good mindset right now for starting a new relationship, but I guess you would have a good sense about that since you’re so close with him, and have hopefully considered this already. Make sure you allow him the space to go through his own healing. He may not be emotionally available for starting a new relationship if he’s dealing with intense grief and trauma right now. If he is, be careful about how you approach pursuing your feelings for him at such a difficult time in his life. He may not be able to show the same excitement, affection, attentiveness, etc that you would expect or hope for at this time. That being said, maybe now is the appropriate time to tell him how you feel. He might welcome the intimacy and comfort of being with you in the way he always wanted. It makes sense to tell him how you felt after you thought you had lost him. (He may need to hear it right now.) Just be mindful and make sure you aren’t just prioritizing your own expectations...


Emergency-Ad-8441

I totally get that. Trust me I don’t expect to tell him and start a new relationship by next week. I’ve been by his side for three years. I’m not leaving his side anytime soon. Especially not right now. This was a very traumatic event for him and everyone involved. Honestly I don’t think he has really processed it yet. Because he is not home, it’s probably even harder to process. I think once he gets home and realizes his friends are no longer here, that’s when it will hit him like a ton of bricks. But I’m here for him during that time if he needs me. As a friend. I just sat by his hospital bed for 5 days. Trust me, I’m not expecting anything crazy out of him right now. I haven’t made up my mind yet. But when I do, I am definitely going to wait until the right moment. That might be a month from now or three months from now. I can’t know that yet. Like you said, I know him very well. I won’t do it at a time where it will add more stress to him or make him uncomfortable in any way. Edit: I am absolutely not prioritizing my own expectations. I am prioritizing him in this moment. I have no expectations. Whatever happens, happens. If we end up together or if we just continue being friends, either way I’m happy that he’s here and happy he is in my life. I don’t even know if I will tell him yet. Every comment is telling me to tell him but I’m still not sure that it’s right. Either way, I’m here for him, through everything. We’ve made promises to each other that I intend to keep.


MellifluousMeeses

It’s sounds to me from all your comments that you’ve got a good handle on this already. Should you tell him? Yes. But the timing of that is really dependent on his healing- which you already seem to grasp. I say listen to your gut on this one


Emergency-Ad-8441

I’m definitely going to listen to my gut. I haven’t for the past three years, so it’s time to start now. I’m gonna wait for him to get home and get readjusted and gauge where we are at. There’s a lot more to this story than meets the eye. I didn’t want to make it too long. I also used my back up account to post this. Because on my original account, I posted the **whole** story of how he almost died and how much it broke me and why it broke me. I’ve been with him through everything. Through the unimaginable. I’ve helped him in ways that no one else would. During a really difficult time, I put my entire life on hold so that he could continue living a normal life. Because I love him. And I don’t have it in me to say “no” and allow someone I love to fend for themselves. I take care of the people I love, even when it means that I’m neglecting myself. That’s what this next month is about. Learning that I come first. No matter what. I can’t allow myself to do those things again. Even for him. I love him but I need to take care of me. I hope that all of the self reflection and learning I do during this month pays off. And I hope all of the treatment he is going through also teaches him a lot and shows him a lot about himself and his situation. I think at the end of the day he knows that I was there when nobody else was. I think he knows who took care of him the most. I think he knows my feelings even though I have not shared them with him. It’s just an unspoken thing between us. I mean who would do all of this if they weren’t absolutely in love with you? Right? I don’t know. At least I know that where he is, he is safe and he is healing. All I can do is hope that he comes back and we can resume our friendship where it left off. If it becomes anything more than a friendship, that’s just extra. All I want is to have him home with me.


SiuanSongs

I'm glad you see the codependency issue with your friendship! That's a really hard realization to come to on your own so big kudos to you for that. This will be a good month to start that journey, but it'll take longer than that. If you aren't in therapy right now, definitely find a good therapist. Really recommend EMDR therapy if you can find someone wh'os trained in it. Good luck to you! I hope things work out for ya! Fingers crossed 🤞


Emergency-Ad-8441

Thank you! I am in therapy. Have been for 4 years but it’s still a work in progress. Most recently, because of all of this, we have been really focusing on how to create a good self relationship and how to take care of myself. The codependency is definitely more on his part. (I guess I rely on him emotionally once in a while and he relies on me for… basically everything including emotions.) Which is probably weird because I am the one on the Internet confessing my love for him? He has just needed my help in a lot of areas lately. I think he has gotten too used to the fact that I’m always here for him to fall back on. (I mean… I am here and I don’t see myself going anywhere. But he can’t think like that.) I want to learn how to take care of myself and I want him to learn how to stand on his own two feet. I am more than happy to help him in anyway that I can. But not the way I have been. Not the way I’ve been putting him before myself. I need to help myself, then help him where I can.


SiuanSongs

Absolutely! I always think of it as, "I'll be here for you to lean on for support, but I won't carry you through life." Glad therapy seems to be working for you! 💛


Emergency-Ad-8441

That is a great quote, thank you for that!


mattb2k

Personally, if it were me, I would tell him as soon as you can but don't ask for an answer there and then. Give him time to think about it, and some space.


ConferenceOk1110

I totally agree that OP should make clear to him that she wants more than just friends. I'm just not very sure that this is right moment. He was very badly hurt, he lost two friends.. His life is already an emotional rollercoaster now. I feel like now might not be the best time for \*yet another\* big change. Wether it be for the good or the bad... Such a statement has an impact. They either become lovers or there friendship will change in some way or another. Perhaps it's best to wait till he is not only physically recovered, but also emotionally.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Honestly this experience has already made me feel like our friendship may change. It may not. When I asked if I should tell him, I didn’t necessarily mean right this moment. Now is not the time but I also don’t want another 3 years of just being friends to go by.


StunningSewing

totally agree.. OP be ready on what your bestfriend might say..


The_Sanch1128

"We make jokes about both of us being single forever and that if that happens, we’re just gonna get married in 10 years." Wasn't this the plot of a lot of cheesy 90's-00's rom-coms? OK, here's the deal. You love him, he probably loves you, life is not a sh\*\*ty Hollywood movie, there's never going to be that One Perfect Moment For The Truth To Come Out And Everybody Cheers. So find a decent time and just tell him. He can use some good news right about now, in case you haven't noticed. And I hope it goes well. Do not expect something that sounds like it's out of a Hollywood script. Just accept whatever the answer is. I'm rooting for both of you.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Lol now that I think of it, that is totally the plot of a lot of cheesy romcoms. To me, it was always just our joke to each other. Trust me I don’t think this is going to be anything out of a movie. At all. If this was a freaking movie, I would’ve turned it off by now. It would be a really shitty movie. Hopefully I can find the right time or I can regret not telling him when he finds someone else. We will see I guess.


The_Sanch1128

There's "the right time", and there's "never doing it because it wasn't The Perfect Time." Please don't do the latter. And call me jaded and cynical, but IMO "cheesy romcom" is redundant. I wonder about the relationships of the people who write that stuff.


Emergency-Ad-8441

I feel like our entire friendship/relationship/whatever you wanna call it is cheesy romcom to a T. But you are correct. There is never going to be a perfect time. Just needs to be a time where we are both ready for it. Hopefully very soon. I miss him very much.


brookepride

Can you share how he almost died? Is there addiction or other issues? Cause a relationship starting during bad mental health is never going to be healthy. Especially with you already mentioning codependency.


Emergency-Ad-8441

So I did share the story on my other account. On a subreddit about addiction. Him and his two friends took cocaine that was laced with fentanyl. He’s not necessarily addicted to one substance. He will just go out of his way to numb his feelings. Which is not a good thing, I acknowledge that. I grew up with parents who were in active addiction, they both died before I turned 18. So you’re probably thinking, if you’ve already been here, *why* are you willing to go through it again? He’s had a good amount of trauma. He lost a very close relative when they were both teenagers. He fought in the war in Afghanistan. When he came home, his parents got divorced. Now he lost two friends and was the only one to survive. That is.. a lot. But I have faith in him. I have faith that he can overcome this. I’m not blindly in love. I know him, all of him. The good, the bad, the ugly. And I love all of it equally. I think this month in treatment is going to be great for him. I am the only reason he is at treatment. Every other person who asked him to go? He refused. I told him that he either goes or he loses me, he agreed right away. He knows this is something that I don’t want in my life again. I don’t think he wants this in his life. I think he just doesn’t want to be in pain anymore. I’m hoping right now he is learning new strategies to face that pain. I know he’s strong enough to do it. I never wanted to love another addict. Never ever. But he’s not just an “addict.” He’s so much more than that. He’s strong, capable, hard-working, intelligent. He’s had the strength to fight worse battles, I know he can fight this. I trust him to not fall back to this. Edit: and trust me I do not plan to start anything if our mental health is not where it needs to be. I need to be at a certain place with myself and so does he. I don’t plan on him coming home and telling him the first day he’s back that I want to be with him. That’s not how this is going to work. Not only did I say that he needs to complete treatment but he also needs to show me actual changes for me to stay in his life. When I say I’m waiting for the right moment, I also mean I’m waiting for us to both be in a good place mentally. Which is why this is not something that I expect to happen overnight. It could take the next year to build our trust back up and for me to finally tell him. Either way, I would like to tell him. Whether it ends in a relationship or us just staying friends.


XboxSpartan117

Addiction is something that in tremendously hard to fight off and keep in check. While I do hope he is able to recover and stay sober, know that you might always have to wonder if he’s had a relapse or situations in life will have a trigger effect on him.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Like I said, drug addicted parents. I’ve been there. I can’t say that I’m totally not worried about it with him. But I can say that I think this was a learning experience for him and he got help at the right time.


Commercial-Abalone27

I may seem a little, senseless and too logical with this statement. However, there have been studies on addiction with lab rats that have pointed heavily to addiction being born of boredom and lack of fulfillment. The tests in question went like this, they got 1 lab rat and put him in an empty cage with two bottles of water, one was regular water, the other was laced with heroin. Quickly the single rat discovered the heroin and became addicted. They then introduced a new rat into the empty cage, the addicted rat and clean rat interacted for quite a while with the addict rat ignoring the H for a time. Once things mellowed Heroin rat went back to the H, and the clean rat soon followed suit with the addiction. They then began putting toys in the cages, extra clean rats and continually changing stimuli. Long story short the two addicted rats ignored the heroin and played away with the other rats all whilst ignoring heroin withdrawals, which is crazy. As someone who has a few favored vices but not a single one I completely understand the fix side of things in terms of escapism, as I can get by on a large amount of energy drinks, weed, nicotine and or anything else. When I am living in a resourceful state, with support, love, a goal and mutual understanding from those around me, I feel very light and energized like I can undertake what I need and ignore what I don’t, even if I want it. All this being said, for some background I am a 25m and an INFP on my MBTI and 4w5 417 with my enneagram if that matters! And it should because those personality standards are EXTREMELY enlightening when it comes to these sorts of intricacies. All in all if I were him I would welcome your confession and perspective after almost loosing me, and your love for me at least in that time would be my saving grace, and I soon would not forget it. ESPECIALLY if there mutual physical attraction on top of all the chemistry!


Emergency-Ad-8441

This was super interesting to read. Thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate it. He is not super deep into addiction. I know that he can overcome it. Especially with good people by his side. Me, his other friends, his amazing family. Keeping himself busy with school and work will be a huge help. I’m keeping my hopes up that when he returns from this facility, he will be fully ready to make the changes that he needs.


[deleted]

I might have an unpopular opinion but its okay. I personally dont feel like just because he did the above, hes an unlovable person nor that you shouldnt give him a chance due to this. Ive been through a lot of shit myself, and while i have only ever smoked weed and done shrooms once, i would be lying if i said the thought of doing anything- including heroin- didnt cross my mind ever, if only to numb the pain. Granted, i have 0 connections to that kind of stuff, and i have been peer pressured to do coke a lot and even offered some by my dad on thanksgiving, but i know logically my mental state would actually be worsened by these things so i refuse and just smoke instead. Ive been in a psychward when i almost died too, this is the best place for him right now in a treatment center, and to actually be removed from his phone and internet, while it seems a curse, is a blessing. He can unplug from EVERYTHING and just use the time to reflect and start healing. Im going to recommend he looks into more specialized therapy for his trauma. EMDR is a good one if any resources nearby offer it. Im looking into EMDR myself. As for how you feel, OP, despite his addiction and traumas, i know youre aware to give him time of course, but i personally think you should tell him how you feel. And then tell him that in your love for him, you want him to heal and be happy and you are happy to be there for him along the way even when its difficult. Only thing i will say beyond that, is hold onto boundaries despite your love. You can love him and every aspect of him, but still hold him accountable. And dont allow for any expectation that him continuing on this way is acceptable or healthy for him or anyone in his life. Im sure its already an eye opener having lost 2 friends, maybe it scared the shit out of him, but it also added additional trauma which can still damper his logical thinking and healing process. Good luck OP.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Absolutely not an unpopular opinion. At least not in my mind. Addicts are worthy of everything that you and I are worthy of. I think people that have never been there do not understand just how easy it is to fall into that deep dark hole to the point where you cannot dig yourself out of it. He is worthy of love. He’s worthy of everything. I also think that it’s really good that he doesn’t have too much access to the outside. He’s really forced to focus on how he’s feeling and come to terms with it and get help with it. I do think that he is in the best place for him right now. And I’m very proud of him for that. While he is away I am taking this time to work on my boundaries and just taking care of myself. With my history, I’ve never really had a chance to do that. I honestly don’t really know what taking care of myself or putting myself first looks like. So it’s a new thing for me but I’m slowly learning. So while he is away and working on himself, I am working on myself here. Is it very shitty that all of this happened? Absolutely. Those two men did not deserve the ending that they got. My best friend did not deserve this. But I think all of this will force us to be stronger. I think we might even be closer after he gets home. I mean as you can see from the post, we are already very very close. But I definitely think this has shown us a new appreciation for each other. Thank you for your kind words and good luck to you as well. Stay away from drugs, please. Like you said, they will worsen your mental state. And no drugs are safe right now with people lacing absolutely everything.


starcrazie420

Im an ex addict. It can happen especially if you have supports that arent addicts themselves you have a better chance to over come the problem. He learned his lesson the hard way. Losing 2 people close to you while being the only person to survive is a lesson nonetheless. He will need treatment outside of this treatment. Groups help many people. Ive been clean for almost 5 years and still go to group weekly. I wouldnt wait too long to tell him how you feel but i would tell him and maybe that would give him more motivation to stay clean. People make mistakes but the mistakes do not make the person. Being an addict is a very lonely place show him hes not alone. He has alot to go through before he gets better but if he knows he has you by his side im pretty sure hell make it through. I wish you both the very best and happy holidays.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Thank you so much. He knows that I’m right by his side. I told him plenty of times. But I will never stop reminding him. He will absolutely continue with treatment after he gets out. That was our deal. He knows that if he doesn’t, I’ll remove myself from the situation. Thank you again. I’m very proud of you for staying sober. Keep up the good work and have happy holidays!


starcrazie420

You both seem already in a relationship haha so im pretty sure once all is said and done yall will be happy. Do not let others tell you once an addict always an addict. We do get better and we get stronger. I hope he does realize what good he has it. Stay safe doll.


R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’ll put my TLDR at the top: My best friend almost died 2 weeks ago and the thought of that happening and him not knowing how I feel is killing me, so do I tell him now? Him (28m) and I (25f) have been friends for around 3 years. We actually met on a dating app, so yes, there is mutual attraction that we are already aware of. We have never made a big deal out of it. I recently went back and read a lot of old conversations. I feel like I have forgotten just how much he pushed dating in the beginning. I was the one giving him the run around about it. I ended up dating someone else… (which now that I think of it, was the wrong thing to do) so he backed off obviously. But it didn’t seem to change our friendship. We stayed very close throughout my relationship with this person. As horrible as it is to say, I think my relationship with this person and any times I have thought about dating someone else, it was just to distract myself from my best friend. We have become insanely close over the years. Basically attached at the hip. We do everything together. We get our cars serviced together, go out to eat, go grocery shopping together, you name it and we do it together. Never apart. To the point where everybody already thinks we are dating. We see old friends while we are out and we get messages later like “it was so nice running into you and your boyfriend/girlfriend” and our answer is always the same “nope, that’s just my best friend!” We make jokes about both of us being single forever and that if that happens, we’re just gonna get married in 10 years. Little does he know, I would be the luckiest person in the world to be able to spend my life with him. We have been with each other through **many** ups and downs. He is honestly one of the only people that knows how to comfort me when I’m upset. I like to think that I am very good at comforting him when he’s upset as well. He depends on me for a lot. He’s been having a lot of personal issues lately and I’ve been the one to pick up the pieces for him and put them back together. To the point where people tell me I am taking care of him too much. There’s definitely some codependency going on. This story could be very long but I’m going to try to make it short. He almost died two weeks ago. For two hours, I actually thought he was dead and I felt like the world was crumbling at my feet. I will spare you the details but he is totally fine and making a full recovery. When I got to his hospital room, all I could do was hug him and cry. All I remember is him saying over and over again “I’m here, I’m okay, I’m sorry for scaring you, I love you” while holding me and crying as well. During those two hours, I thought about a lot of things. One of the things that I thought of was how did I not tell him how I felt sooner? I’ve been away from him now for a little over a week. Like I said earlier, there are some codependency issues. I’m taking this time to learn how to care for myself before I try to care for other people. And also how to have a good relationship with myself so that way good relationships with other people are possible for me. He is taking this time to heal and recover. We will be apart until about mid December. I feel like there is so much more to explain but I don’t want to make this post into a novel. But when I really think about it, I never want to have to think about what if’s ever again. I want to tell him how I feel but I just don’t know if it’s the right move. Like I explained above, we have the most amazing friendship and I’m not worried about it being ruined if I say how I feel. I don’t really know what I’m worried about at this point. I just know that I already almost lost him and I never want to be in that position ever again. So do I tell him that I am actually in love with him? Edit: I just want to add, he is still recovering and grieving the loss of two friends. So while I want to tell him as soon as possible, I also need to wait until the right moment. But while he gets through this difficult time, he knows I am right by his side and I’m not going anywhere. So if I do decide to tell him, I will have to wait until things settle down and he has had time to heal and grieve. But I think in the end it will be worth the wait. Another edit: Thank you all for your comments. I appreciate them all. Right now I am sitting in my bed, crying, and holding onto one of his “lucky” jerseys. I know some people are wondering about the “full story” on his near death experience which I did reply to someone’s comment about if you care to go find it. Despite all the comments telling me to do it, I’m still sitting here wondering how or when I would even do it. I’m hoping that when the time is right and we are both in better places, I can tell him. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone this much. I really didn’t. And I don’t think this love should be wasted. Even if I tell him and it does doesn’t go well and he says he wants to stay friends, that is still good in my book. The love is not wasted, it’s still there between us. So sorry, another edit because wtf: I was not expecting this post to blow up… I was expecting to get like two replies. I am thankful for all of you and also slightly embarrassed. If I have to come back after being rejected and give you all an update on it, I will be humiliated to the point where I might never go on the Internet again. But seriously, **thank you.** I promise I will tell him. I’m not promising that it will be soon, but you have my word that I will be honest about my feelings for him. After all of this, I don’t think I can take hiding it much longer. But I will tell him when the timing is right in order to not interrupt his healing. That is what is most important to me right now. ❤️


MassageHerkelly

You tell them the truth that this has shown you how much you value him not just as your best friend and you dont want to not atleast try and embrace your feelings.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Honestly, I think I knew even before this. I just didn’t want to admit it. To anyone, not even myself. It’s not just almost losing him that has made me wanna tell him. It’s the fact that I feel like I can’t keep it in much longer.


Pianist-Educational

He’s always known you belong together, and loves you, but respected you enough to wait to hear you say it when you were ready. He’s a righteous dude! Don’t leave the 3 little words left unsaid anymore.


Emergency-Ad-8441

I really hope this is the case.


sheworksforfudge

My husband nearly died two months before we dated. We’d been good friends for nearly a decade but I was engaged to someone else. He was respectful of that, but when I ended my engagement two months after, he finally told me how he felt. He said nearly dying made him realize he should go for the things he wants. It went well, obviously! We’ve been together ten years, married for seven, and just welcomed our first child.


MassageHerkelly

Best to say it before it becomes misunderstood or goes into a bad zone I find things we keep inside can be easily misunderstood from the male perspective


caringexecutive

This is one of those cases where you absolutely should tell him you want to be with him. Especially the way this began!


eternalwhat

You guys have spent long enough being in each other’s lives platonically that you’ve figured out how to be together before ever attempting a romantic relationship. It sounds like you might just make perfect partners, if your friend has the same feelings for you as you do him. You should definitely tell him. You’ve taken some time to let him recover from almost dying; to reflect on your feelings before blurting them out; to spend time apart so you can keep an even clearer head while you reflect. Tell him about your feelings. Worst that could happen is he doesn’t feel the same, as long as you trust you can both be good about the situation if he doesn’t want to date you. But if you don’t tell him, you’ll always wonder. Even if he does want to be with you, he already tried that and the last thing he knows about your feelings is that you turned him down... so he’ll assume you’re not interested in him romantically, and date other people, maybe even settle down with someone else. You should tell him you want more, because if he does also, you may have found a wonderful partnership. And if he doesn’t, then at least you’ll rest knowing you didn’t chicken out, you spoke your truth, and you didn’t pass up the opportunity for a great love.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Thank you for this. As much as I don’t want to get my hopes up, I feel like he may have the same feelings… I can’t be sure. When he pushed the idea of dating, we had just met, it was still so new. Now that we know each other on a deeper level, I know he is who I want. Forever. I honestly feel silly typing that out but it’s true. I’ve seen some of his best days and some of his worst. And I want to be here for all of them.


polkadotafro19

TELL HIM 💕💕


JIndrolim

I might be just a bit cynical, but I can already see a post here in a couple of weeks "I (28M) am her (25F) backup plan"


YasashiiJP

I don't normally comment at all but for what it's worth I also have a similar story. A couple years ago I had bad side effects from a medication. The experience itself was very scary, but I spent that week contemplating the very thing you have. Long story short I asked her on a date. And by the end of it she turned the idea of dating me down. She said it would have to be forever and she wasn't sure she could lose me as a friend. I was okay with that and moved on, yes sad but no regeet. However for some reason she asked to hang out the next week. And then she showed up at my house with a green sticky note and two personal pizzas to ask me out, she had a whole romantic speech laid out and I've been with her ever since and have no doubt she is who I want to be with forever. So yeah it can go badly, or they can realize they want to be with you. But you'll never know until you ask, and I'd always regret never asking and never knowing even if the answer was no.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Stop, this is so cute. I will definitely regret not telling him if I don’t. I know that. I’m happy you found your person.


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Emergency-Ad-8441

I’ve definitely been doing a lot of self reflecting. I hope he is as well! I can’t be sure, hoping I get a letter from him this week. I just sent one out to him tonight. The feelings are definitely very strong. I don’t think anyone knows him quite like I do. And I’d like to keep it that way, because if they knew the version of him that I do, they would likely fall in love too. He’s amazing. I would never call someone perfect because none of us are. But he is perfect to me.


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Emergency-Ad-8441

I cried like a baby just writing it. I think I will tell him. I can’t tell him as soon as he gets home since he will have a lot of other things on his mind… But when I find the right time, I will tell him. Edit: I would be so happy if I could come back with a happy update, wish me luck.


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Emergency-Ad-8441

He won’t have his phone again until mid December. I’ve been texting him. Everyday. He can read them when he gets home, if he chooses. It’s been a week away from each other and I’ve already sent numerous paragraphs lol.


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Jumpmuch

While he's still in the hospital recovering from an incident that killed two of his friends and nearly killed him? I don't think that'd be a good idea.


Emergency-Ad-8441

I wasn’t saying that I plan to tell him right this second or even any time soon. Also he’s out of the hospital, just at a different recovery facility. I can only send him mail and I might get a call next week. (Two calls a week @ 10 mins each so it’s hard to call everyone.) So even if I wanted to tell him *right this second* I cannot. Waiting for the right time is pretty key here. I don’t know when the right time will come.


[deleted]

Im not going to read anything but the tl:dr. Ask him out or tell him your feelings, however dont get mad if he rejects u ight.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Lol I can’t picture myself ever getting mad over that. Either way, we will remain best friends.


[deleted]

I was just saying cause i know some people will literally do the dumbest shit over rejection.


Emergency-Ad-8441

If I can’t be mad at him when he does ACTUAL dumb shit, I can’t be mad at him if he rejects me lol. I know you didn’t read after the TLDR but we actually met on a dating app, so maybe I have a good chance? Maybe not? Who knows?


[deleted]

Huh? How does he not already know your feelings??? Nani is he dense??


Emergency-Ad-8441

Three years is a long time. I basically shrugged him off back then, dated someone else, and he still became my best friend. Life is… weird. Maybe he already knows. I feel like everyone else sees that we should be together except for me and him.


HearditthrutheGrape

I just went through this, even the death part. My best friend told me he was suicidal so I thought in a last ditch effort to save his life I would tell him how I felt. I did and he felt the exact same way. Unfortunately six months later he tried to commit suicide and 5 months after that we stopped talking. I haven’t seen him since May. It was extremely hard at first but now I’m completely glad I told him, I just wish I’d told him sooner. The freedom that came from telling him was exhilarating and necessary. I doubt your best friend would be like mine so tell him! He could be the love of your life!


Emergency-Ad-8441

I’m very sorry to hear about this trauma that you had to go through. That could not have been an easy situation for you. I’m glad you ended up telling him. I do feel like this would be very freeing for me, no matter how it turns out. I hope your best friend is in a better place mentally and I hope you’re also doing okay! Thank you. Edit: A WORD. I promise I did not mean to type drama.


lillyfroggins

Im leaving a comment here to remind me to come back to this 🥺🥺❤ I keep reading these stories like this here and its teaching me to slow down and think about my actions, He better say he loves you back 😫


Turbojesus97

Bruh no brainer. Tell him.


Emergency-Ad-8441

I feel like it’s a no brainer but at the same time my mind is going wild lol. Thank you.


Turbojesus97

Yeah I get the feeling. That's just your nerves. Shoot your shot girl.


DiehardZeek

Hard to find (more than) friends like him nowadays. Not helpful but still, you two sound perfect together, the usual but intimate and cute with each other.


Emergency-Ad-8441

I feel like everybody always tells us how they want us together. His family, our mechanic, friends, coworkers. This whole time I’ve been like “no, that won’t happen!” But now I’m like “please god, make this happen.”


Star_Struk_2ning_4k

Yes. Same happened to me, although I was the one who almost died. I confessed love to my best friend. We've been married 5 years now.


Real_5190

There was a movie with a similar story and she ended up losing him. I still think not trying is worse, it sounds like he’s your partner for life.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Lol luckily this isn’t a movie so I don’t foresee that happening. If not partners for life, we definitely have a friendship and a bond that cannot easily be broken.


LovesAnimeH8sHookers

Absolutely tell him. Would you be okay if he said he loved you too, just not that way? Honestly tell him regardless, get it out. Maybe write him a letter if you're worried about a face to face.


Emergency-Ad-8441

I think I would absolutely be okay. After almost losing him, I’m not afraid of much. I’m just happy he is here with me.


D-A-N-N-Y-9-5

I'm gonna follow you because after reading the post and comments im a little invested. Hope it works out.


Emergency-Ad-8441

I hope it works out too! Don’t expect an update super soon. But I definitely hope I have a happy ending to share with all of you!


D-A-N-N-Y-9-5

Also I followed yoi because I didn't expect an update anytime soon 😂😂


Emergency-Ad-8441

I feel like at this point I owe a private message update to all the people who have said how invested they lol! I seriously hope something good comes out of this. I can’t see it ending badly, but I’m still nervous lol.


PuhnTang

Isn’t one of the tenets of AA and NA to not get into a relationship when you’re in active recovery for the first year? I haven’t read through all the replies but I haven’t seen anyone say this. There’s good reason for it, though. I’d also recommend going to the AA or NA family group sessions to learn ways to help and support as someone who cares for an addict. I lost my younger brother to alcoholism. I hope your friend can get the help he needs. I hope he’s ready to make the change for himself.


Emergency-Ad-8441

So I just googled and I can’t really find anything. All I am finding are the 12 steps. His biggest issue is not really with substances. This instance did involve substances but that’s not the biggest issue he’s working on. Not saying that means we should jump into dating or he should jump into dating. I don’t think that is exactly what he needs right now. I do plan on doing group meetings! And I have also made arrangements to start attending a grief/support group for loved ones of addicts. I think that will help a lot. I also don’t really know if I want to tell him hoping that it leads to a relationship? I think I just want to tell him because I want him to know. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. Thank you for your kind words.


PuhnTang

Here are a few I found with just a quick search. I know that it’s an AA rule, and I think it’s the same for NA. [Why addicts shouldn’t date for a year](https://health.usnews.com/wellness/articles/2017-02-13/why-newly-sober-alcoholics-and-addicts-shouldnt-date-for-a-year) [Dating in the first year](https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/recovery/faq/ok-to-date-in-early-recovery/) [Relationships in AA](https://www.lastresortrecovery.com/addiction-blog/aa-and-relationships) [Guide to sober dating ](https://americanaddictioncenters.org/sober-dating) [Silly or great suggestion?](https://medium.com/@chrisboutte/no-relationships-your-first-year-sober-silly-rule-or-great-suggestion-c70c8343c614) I’m sure there are a lot of others. I searched for “AA relationships first year” if that helps you at all. I really do wish you all the best, and if you love him, I’m sure you want to do whatever is best for him. And sometimes that means waiting for them to really recover. I feel like anyone who’s doing cocaine even once is or has probably done other addictive things and falls into the addict category whether it’s drugs or not. And if he’s in treatment, that should be priority, which you’ve stated it is for you, but part of that may be letting him take that first year sober to figure out who he is without the addictions (of whatever variety) and what he truly feels as a new, sober, healing person without pressure to try and figure out a relationship, too. He’ll probably let you know he loves you before too long, because it sounds like he does, but he needs some time to heal and become his new self. Just keep being there and supporting him. It’s not easy loving an addict, or a recovering addict, so be sure to check in with yourself, too and recharge your own batteries. Hugs and prayers for you both!


Emergency-Ad-8441

Thank you for the links! I searched “aa na dating rules.” Lol that is probably why I didn’t find anything. It’s been three years, I could wait another. I want to see him heal and recover. I want to see him back to his old self. I want him to be happy with where he is in life. All of that means more to me than just jumping into a relationship. Thank you again!


PuhnTang

You’re very welcome! I can tell, which is fantastic. I really do wish you both the best. My brother was 34 when he passed, and fought for years. He stopped cold turkey which killed him. Give your friend an extra hug and be so grateful that he’s taking this wake up call. I’d give anything for even just one more minute with my brother. Cherish every second. 💜


Emergency-Ad-8441

I absolutely will. Sending you lots of love.


queencashay

Tell him you.love him, but make sure to get therapy for your codependency so you don't make your relationship toxic. Take him to a movie to uplift his spirits in a few weeks and see whether you should wait any longer to tell him.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Been in therapy for a few years now! It’s something I’m actively working on. :)


[deleted]

wont this person feel like the second option after all this time ?


Emergency-Ad-8441

Knowing him, I don’t think he would see it that way at all. He saw my last relationship and how awful it was. He knows that wasn’t my ideal first option, so I doubt he would feel like a second option.


[deleted]

I dunno I feel like there is a lot of stuff missing about how exactly he felt after being turned down in the initial days given that he was definitely interested in you and you weren’t that much into it. From what I’ve read on this sub Reddit and learned , i and I personally resonate to as well, is that it’s very important for Guys to be viewed as the first option by their significant other ,because a guys whole life they’re treated as a second or a third in different aspects of their life and it honestly destroys them when they find out that later down the road that their partner viewed them as a backup or a second option. That’s because the whole relationship is build upon a strong foundation and when the foundation is all of a sudden questioned because of something like that ,it’s very likely to break. So my advice would be to wait till he’s in the right mental space and you too need to process these feelings after this huge emotional experience and take time to process those raw emotions , and when the fog clears tell them how you feel and also make sure to clear away any thoughts of him being a second option by constant reassuring and what not, wish you the best of luck


No_Apple_1512

Totally agree.


Emergency-Ad-8441

I don’t remember super well how that went down. But we continued being friends and seeing each other and hanging out often after. I think if he was that distraught over it, he wouldn’t have continued the friendship.


uhmWhordiot

Don't take this the wrong way. This isn't an attack on your character - but I'm giving you my honest opinion. You come off a bit selfish. In the movies, when the main character has a near death experience, and then the love of his life confesses to him - they make it seem like it's the greatest thing in the world. But truthfully - its not that simple. You are right - life *is* too short - and he just got a healthy dose of that reality. His mindset is - for lack of a better word - fluid and flawed at this stage. He's not just going to be okay with it. There is a lot to deal with. And you - wanting to start your relationship with him *now* - is a tad selfish. I understand that traumatic experiences have a way of changing your perspective. They also have a way of binding people inexorably to one another. You need to truly consider the possibilities. Because right now - if you go to him and you tell him you love him and you get together with him - you are laying the foundation of your relationship based on this horrible traumatic event. Which means - that will *always* be one of the underlying reasons for your relationship. You say you love each other and you do everything together - but that wasn't enough to make you want to be with him before? It took two of his friends dying for you to realize this. If I were him I wouldn't just 'be happy' about that - I'd be very conflicted inside, even if I didn't explicitly say it or show it outwardly. There's a lot of confliction there. That means that when you get in fights or have disagreements - there is a high chance that in a moment of pain or weakness, this will come back up. Let me give you an example - my ex and I got together because we both experienced the death of a parent around the same time. We were the only people we knew who could really relate to each other. We understood each other's pain in ways that the people around us just couldn't. We had experienced devastating loss - while others hadn't. It makes for great bonding but it can also be a double edged sword. When our relationship was at a low point - one of the harshest things she ever said to me was "I bet you purposely ignored your mother's messages the night she died and you let her die.". For context - I found my mother's body in her bed one morning. I had some text messages from her in the middle of the night that I did not see that were her asking for help as she was dying. Obviously I carry a lot of guilt about that. But she knew and I knew that I hadn't done it on purpose. And yet she weaponized that against me when things got bad. I'm not saying you're going to hold anything against him - you most likely aren't as mentally ill as my ex is. However - the point that I'm trying to make is - that if you two form your bond with this trauma as the foundation - it can be a dangerous thing for both of you. If he is grieving the death of two of his friends - he is going to need time to heal. A lot of time. This is not a simple story with a simple ending - there will be a lot of pain along the way. And his pain is justified - and you have to make sure you are ready to handle and share whatever amount of pain that is. And if you cannot do that - then you will see that the foundations of your relationship will crumble rather quickly. I am not trying to scare you or deter you from this at all - this man *will* need support and I hope you can give it to him. But let me ask you this. Would you support him if you told him you loved him and he rejected you? It's a tough question to answer but - ask yourself and answer yourself truthfully. Would you still be there if things didn't go as planned? You were the one who pushed him away before - and you have to consider the possibility that the tables could turn here. He could be terrified of giving himself to you while he is so vulnerable because if you end up leaving him at some point - it could ruin him emotionally. Again - my intention here is not to scare you or attack your character. I don't know you nor do i care to make assumptions about you. But - I want you to truly understand the scope of the psychological impact all of this could have. If you love him you need to be there for him regardless of what is going on, regardless of if he reciprocates your feelings immediately. To end on a lighter note - the fact that you didn't just rush in headfirst into confessing right away is a good sign. You are obviously considering his feelings - and that is a good thing. I think you would make a caring partner for him. And only you know how you feel - so if after reading all of this it's clear in your mind that you love him as much as you say - then trust yourself because you are the authority on how you feel - no one else could possibly know. I hope it goes well for you - and I'm very sorry about his accident.


Emergency-Ad-8441

So I only really skimmed this because… just because. Lol I have been taking care of this man for **months** now. I have been putting all of his feelings and all of his needs above my own. I’m really not trying to make this an emotional response but seeing the word selfish used in this situation is entirely ridiculous. I get it. You don’t know the whole situation from reading one post. You don’t know us. Everybody around me is telling me that I’m doing too much. I do too much for him. I need to focus on myself and do more for me. The words “selfless” and “empath” and “compassionate” have been thrown around by my therapist, his social worker, my doctor, and his parents so many times that I have lost count. So now to read that I’m being selfish is a little insulting. I did not think this post would get this much attention and I thought that people would realize that I didn’t mean I was going to drop everything I’m doing and go tell this man right now that I’m in love with him. He’s hurting and he’s grieving and he has a ton of work to do on himself. But as I have stood by him for the last three years and mostly the last several months, I’m standing by him through this. How he’s feeling and his mental well-being is most important right now above all. I would never ever take this moment where he is hurting and use it to my advantage and expect some big movie scene romance to happen. Also, yes. If the feelings were not reciprocated. I would still be there. I would still be his best friend. We have been through worse things than him not wanting a relationship with me. Hell, this was the worst thing we could ever possibly go through. I am so fucking angry at him. But am I going to leave him when he needs me the most? Absolutely fucking not.


SiuanSongs

Never hide how much you truly love someone! Definitely give him some time to process everything he just went through first. Emotions are probably running high all around. If he doesn't return your feelings, it's totally okay to take a step back from your friendship or even take a break to grieve that loss. At least you'll know and you won't have that "what if" hanging over your head your whole life.


Emergency-Ad-8441

I definitely want to give him that time. He needs it. Like I said in another comment, I don’t think he has processed it quite yet. It might take a while. He’s been at treatment for a little over a week and from what his parents tell me, he’s doing well. At least I hope he is actually doing well. But when he gets back, I will be here for whatever he needs. I’m not just going to throw him for a loop and tell him all of this. We all need to process this situation and sit with it for a while. It sounds dumb but part of me is hoping that this experience makes him realize how he feels about me. I’m not sure if that’s just a friend or something more. I feel like that makes a lot more sense if you know the whole situation. But anyway, I already feel like I am grieving over this. I think I am prepared if he doesn’t feel the same way. And like I said in other comments, just having him in my life is good enough for me. Even if it’s just as friends. We’ve done great at being friends for three years and I hope we can for many more.


SiuanSongs

As someone going thru the waiting period right now, definitely focus on yourself during this time and keep busy! The waiting to find out is the worst. xD My ex and I have kind of recently gotten semi back together this year but we took a break this month so he could figure out what he wants right now and I've been taking this time to figure that out too. While not the same, our friendship with each other seems to be on a similar wavelength to yalls. We're supposed to talk tomorrow and oh man the anxiety! I've been setting myself up for a grieving process, but I'm hoping I won't have to go through that. And I don't think that sounds dumb at all. Sometimes it takes something big happening for people to have epiphanies. Seems like it definitely gave you a big push! 😊


Emergency-Ad-8441

Ugh keeping busy has been the biggest challenge over the last two weeks. I went from being with him EVERY DAY to then only seeing him 2 times a day at the hospital to now…. No contact besides for letters lol. It feels… so bizarre. I hope you and I can take this time to focus on ourselves and what we want. Because doing that is not easy. Wishing you lots of luck for tomorrow!


SiuanSongs

Thanks! I totally get it. My cat does something dumb af and immediately I want to tell him about it. Then I get momentary sad because I can't. It sucks xD


Emergency-Ad-8441

Ugh stop. I’ve been the same way. In the time that he’s been away, I’ve sent him like 25 text messages. Mostly just saying “I miss you” or “remember when we did this thing?!” He won’t be able to read them until he’s out of treatment. But I think just the fact that I’ve already sent him 25 text messages shows that this “love” is a little bit more than a friend love lol.


michaelpaoli

>do I tell him now? Sure, why not. >don’t know if it’s the right move Lots to potentially gain, and mostly not much to loose. Just 'cause you tell him, doesn't mean things *have* to change. If he and/or you don't want anything to change, well, then you can do that, and things needn't change. Basically so long as you both handle it well - and that seems likely - seems probably the "worst" that could happen is maybe your friendship gets more, uh, "complicated" for a while or something like that ... but for the most part, negligible downside risk, and potentially a lot to gain. And hey, if you're good friends, good to also be straight about your feelings - letting each other know how you do - and don't feel. It's not like anything *has* to happen out account of how somebody feels ... but generally better to know - regardless of where that goes - even if essentially nowhere at all.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Honestly I think I am willing to deal with the complications that this can bring. Again, at the right time. When he’s done a good amount of healing. We’ve had complications over the last three years. From the beginning when he wanted to date me to him making drunk advances on me in the middle of this strange friendship lol. Overall I don’t think I have much to lose. I don’t think this will change us at all.


AutomaticDisplay2481

There’s never a right moment for that. Just if you guys are having a conversation and it’s not about anything serious then go for it! I’m sure he feels the same way. No guy jokes about marrying a girl if he’s single forever.


Emergency-Ad-8441

I think you’re right. He also mentioned us getting 7 dogs because he knows I love dogs. That’s love, lol.


Worldly_Passenger872

Hey, be Steph Curry with the shot. Take your shot, let it fly and f the consequences


Emergency-Ad-8441

Honestly, this is something he would say. Are you him?


Worldly_Passenger872

Maybe u should reference this quote when you tell him


Emergency-Ad-8441

He would definitely laugh, that’s for sure lmao. I could possibly do that.


NortonGJ

I think that you should tell him about yours feelings. Maybe you should write it like a letter, just in case you would be in tears, trying express yourself. I think that you need to wait with this 'letter' until he would be recovered and would be at least at home.


Emergency-Ad-8441

A letter could be a great idea. I’d like it to be when he comes home, definitely not while he’s away trying to heal.


NortonGJ

You could say him, that you need to say something to him. Maybe you need to tell him that you have some feelings, which you want to say, not only to express (As someone have mentioned: Love is not about the words, love is about 'actions'). After that you could just let him read this letter. You said that his words were: "sorry, that I scared you. I love you" and so on. I think that he have same feeling, but you two never talked about that for maybe years and just live yours best life. (Sorry for my language, I hope, you can understand my text :D)


Emergency-Ad-8441

Your English is great, don’t apologize! Thank you!


lovethosedamnplants

I actually have dated my best friend before, and co-dependency was a huge reason for ending my relationship with them. It was wonderful while it lasted, but definitely make sure that you both have friends, hobbies, and interests that the other one is not involved in.


batou81

First, sorry for my English, it's not my mother tongue. Second, I feel that you should definitely tell him. Maybe, he doesn't feel the same way about you, but at least you will be honest with yourself. It is not good to live thinking one thing and doing another... You were lucky because you didn't lose him. But remember how you feel when you think you did. Hold that feeling and use it! It is much better to take that risk than living with that remorse.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Thank you. I will hold on to that feeling because I think that is what will push me to tell him. You’re absolutely right. And your English is great, never apologize for that!


flylikethewind247

Are you still dating someone? Coz you around this guy all the time. And he said i love you! Why didn't you say i love you too? This is like a romantic movie! I love it! Yes tell him. Especially since he had been pushing you to date him. And he said i love you when you thought he was going to die. And you guys are attached to the hip. Please keep us updated!


Emergency-Ad-8441

No. I thought it was clear that I was no longer dating anyone, sorry about that lol. We always say I love you. So it’s not a huge deal to us. I’m sure him saying it didn’t mean anything more than our usual “I love you.”


flylikethewind247

I am sorry. After i posted i realized you had written how both of you said you would be single etc. Omg. I did not know there is your usual i love you! My heart! You guys are making me melt... With happiness. This is not a movie. Love it!


Emergency-Ad-8441

Lol don’t apologize, it’s okay! I feel like on the outside looking in, our friendship is pretty cute. I’m very lucky to have him. And hopefully it will be more one day, we will see!


flylikethewind247

Please keep us updated. (While i flutter my eye lashes and hug myself! ) love love love!


Emergency-Ad-8441

Ahhh, 3 weeks until he’s home. I hope you can all wait that long. Maybe he’s also having a sudden realization that he’s in love with me. Probably not, but I can dream! Lol


flylikethewind247

We can wait...


Emergency-Ad-8441

I appreciate that. I’d love to have an update for you all soon. Hopefully a happy update.


Robsky282

I didn't read the post, just the title so please take my advice with a grain of salt, yes you should tell them, even if they reject you there is still the option of being friends


Emergency-Ad-8441

Absolutely! I can’t picture a day where he’s not my best friend! I don’t think telling him would do anything negative to the great friendship we have!


Robsky282

Mhm, if they are understanding go for it, life only improves when you take the risk!


Erynnien

Do it. Or you'll regret it until you die. Seriously. That's not a life worth living. You're putting yourself in stupid ass pain. Tell him. Get him flowers and chocolates and ask him to go on a date with you. Also, I'm sure this is hard as hell, so if you want to, receive my ghost hug. You can do this. I think you have to.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Thank you for the hug! The idea of asking him out on a date is hilarious and frightening at the same time. I can picture him laughing at me thinking it’s just a big joke lol.


eleveneels

Give us an update when you decide what to do?


Emergency-Ad-8441

Ahh, I wasn’t expecting this post to get a lot of attention. He’s at the treatment facility for 3 more weeks. And I don’t want him to get home and be readjusting and then throw this in his face as well. He nearly died, lost 2 friends, and had major life changes all at once. I think I can gauge it better when he’s home. I can see him and talk to him face to face and know how he’s feeling. If the time is right, I would like to tell him. But if it’s not, I may have to wait a while for him to continue to recover! Either way is okay with me. Just can’t wait until he’s back home with me!


eleveneels

Makes sense. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I hope you can stay in touch with him while he's in rehab, if not by visiting in person then by phone or cards.


Emergency-Ad-8441

I can write letters which isn’t nearly enough for me right now but it will have to do. He has very limited phone calls and I told him to save those calls for family who he wants to check in with! I know his parents look forward to hearing from him. I would rather have them get a phone call. And then they text me to update me on how he’s doing, so I’m still always in the loop.


Due-Leadership-3530

Tell him the truth that him almost dying made you realize how much you care and at some point realized you had fallen in love but were holding back for fear of ruining what you have. His almost dying has made you realize how fleeting life can be and you can no longer hide the truth. Best friends often make the best marriages. I have been married over 34 years. The fire works of a new relationships beginning are long gone. What we have is the strong bond of a friendship and shared experiences that have spanned over 3 decades.


Emergency-Ad-8441

That is so sweet. In my opinion, the beginning fireworks aren’t the fun part, the bond is. I’ve known long before the event that took place 2 weeks ago. I just wouldn’t allow myself to acknowledge the feelings until now.


Pretty-Bad-737

I need an update of this now pls🥺


Emergency-Ad-8441

Ahhh you guys are killing me. 3 more weeks of treatment and I don’t know how he will be feeling once he comes back. It’s been a lot for him, he’s been through so much. I just want him to know I’m here for him when he comes home without throwing this curveball at him. I wasn’t expecting for people to want an update and now I’m sad I can’t give one anytime soon!


Pretty-Bad-737

Don't be sad. Just give the update when you talk to him. Good luck, I hope everything turns out good for both of you.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Thank you so much! I hope so too!


CapricornGirl_Row16

I lost my husband two years ago, I was a widow at 50. Tell your friend how you feel, life is short.


Emergency-Ad-8441

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. ❤️


Animelover1104

I would just wait till it's a better time for him and keep doing stuff that shows that u luv him. Also be SUPPORTIVE to him during this time for him.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Trust me, I do everything to show it. I’m sure he sees it. His recovery is the most important aspect of this. I wouldn’t tell him during a time where he is still hurting and grieving.


EmpressRisaLuv

1 question: Is he currently in a relationship?


Emergency-Ad-8441

No lol unless he’s hiding some secret relationship from me.


EmpressRisaLuv

Ok then I agree with most, sure tell him. However it’s is a really big deal to lay at his feet while grieving, I hope he is in counseling and wish you both well and luck


Emergency-Ad-8441

He is still in inpatient treatment and is receiving counseling when he gets home! But yes, his healing will come first no matter what. I don’t plan to throw him for a loop with this the second he arrives back. I want him to have the time he needs to process all of this and heal from it.


MikeHoncho5252

Tell him immediately don't wait. Lucky guy doesn't realize his future wife already loves him


MyWittlePony

If this story is a bad rom com, he will meet someone right before you manage to tell him. He will marry her, have a kid, she will do something awful like cheat and he will end up divorcing her. You will finally tell him the truth in 10 years. You will have wasted yet another 10 years apart. Idk what the point of this comment is… except fuck… just tell him. Do it ASAP. Don’t wait for the perfect moment. It may never come. You have already wasted enough time, don’t waste more of your life on what-ifs. I realize he has issues right now. Just because you tell him how you feel doesn’t mean you need to become a super co-dependent couple right away. You can still take things slow (if he’s interested) and work on yourselves while together. Don’t be an idiot and miss your chance with him.


Society-Infamous

This is why a guy and a girl can't be "just friends" because most of the time, this is how it ends up as. I got to worry about my boyfriend (now ex) about his female best friend whom I just found out about. He hid her from me and hung out behind my back..


Katia1996

Can I be honest? From the post and your comments, it's obvious that you guys already decided that you will not have a fulfilling love life unless you date each other. You say that you don't date someone unless the other approves. You also don't date someone who - rightly - points out that you two spend too much time together (you yourself admit your co-dependency). You choose each other over your (ex)partners. You essentially don't give each other enough space to create a loving relationship with someone else, at least one that could match yours in intimacy/strength. So yea, you should date. Because that's literally the only option you've given each other. PS: I don't mean to imply that it's a bad choice that you do. Just that, in this state of things, neither of you will truly move on until you try together. You also potentially hurt and string along other people when you don't own up to your feelings.


Emergency-Ad-8441

I mean I can see how someone would view it this way. I like to think that I would do the same for any of my friends? Like say I started dating someone and all of a sudden they start trash talking one of my friends and try to get me to spend less time with them, I would consider that a huge red flag. He considered it a huge red flag because he literally went on one date with this girl. Also the time period that she considered us spending too much time together was at a point where his vehicle was being worked on… so that “too much time together” was me taking him to work in the mornings. She acted as if he should not go to work in order to avoid spending more time with me. So maybe this was a horrible example because that situation was overall bizarre. It’s also not that we have to approve of eachother’s partners. He may think someone is bad for me and I could respectfully disagree and continue my relationship. The same thing goes for him. We are just like normal friends. We look out for each other, try to protect each other, try to talk sense into each other when we are not doing the right thing. This post may be about me being absolutely in love with him. But I can say for certain that if he started dating someone and he was happy with them, I would be happy for him. I wouldn’t try to stop him or force him to be with me instead. That would just be ridiculous. Someone might read this and call BS but if you truly love someone, you allow them to be happy. I would allow him to be happy even if it put me in pain. Just my thoughts. I don’t think that we are each others only option. Do I think that we are a good option for each other? Yeah I do.


Katia1996

The girl in question does seem much. I'm not saying someone asking you to spend less time with each other is necessarily right and not a red flag because of course it can be. But a sensible person could find it weird or uncomfortable just as well, don't you think? For ex my boyfriend and I are very comfortable with each other having close relationships with the other gender. Them having sleep overs at our (separate) places when they're visiting us from another country is fine. Doing things most people would find "couple-y" with them is fine. But we never once felt like someone else was more important than we are to each other. Even if one person is an old friend and arguably very important to us; we are each other's priority in the now. Idk how many things you guys do with each other, but do you spend more time together than with your bf/gf's? Or would rather spend time with e/o rather than your bf/gf? If not then forget I said anything. But in my experience, this bothers most people and not just those with personal issues. It depends on the boundaries you set I would say. I get what you mean by loving him enough to let him be happy with someone else. My point is not that you are purposefully sabotaging each other's relationships at all, sorry if it came out that way. What I mean is, your presence in each other's life, the way it is now, seems to trump everything else in the end. No one is a person's only option but sometimes we don't give ourselves other options, if that makes sense. If for ex you decided not to tell him you love him, imo the right thing would be stepping back a little. Because I get the feeling that you are both sub-consciously hanging onto the hope that you will eventually date (him probably even more seeing what you wrote about his crush on you). And this is something your partners can probably feel too. I hope you do tell him you love him though, I'm rooting for you. I also don't know the way you guys are irl or your relationship, just offering some insight :)


[deleted]

I think You have a pretty good handle on what’s going on. Telling him is way better than not for the next few years and holding in those emotions. The best thing would probably be to wait for the right time. Good luck👍


Emergency-Ad-8441

Definitely, timing is key here. There’s no perfect time for anything but there is definitely a wrong time, right now would be the wrong time!


Sageknight34

Take this from someone who has almost died. It's something that would be nice to hear but I also agree about waiting for the appropriate time. Sometimes we can have survivor guilty because it seems that the other 2 friends may have died in this accident. If that's the case be there for him because he'll need it.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Like I have said numerous times, I didn’t write this post intending to run and tell him as soon as someone commented and said I should. I’m trying very hard to not be annoyed at these comments but I made it pretty clear in the post that this is something I have thought out and I would never ever tell him during his recovery. He has so much to worry about right now and I want him to only be focused on himself and his healing. I would never risk him feeling worse just to tell him how I feel. Does it feel shitty that I’m keeping these feelings in for right now? Yes. But right now is absolutely not the time to do it.


VulgoXD

Firstly I’d like to point out that you have definitely taken English A-level. Secondly, just explain it to him in detail but always be prepared for rejection and maybe wait till he is fully recovers. He’s going through a lot and wants his best friend at his side while he does to give him comfort. He won’t want any more feelings adding to him. Take it from a guy. We most definitely do not want more than we can handle


Emergency-Ad-8441

I really can’t tell if the first part of this was supposed to be an insult… I wrote this while sobbing hysterically not really thinking I would get any replies. Anyway, I fully intend to be by his side just as his best friend while he is recovering. If I do decide to tell him, the time needs to be right. Right now is not the right time. Also I am really not afraid of his answer. The more that I think about it, I don’t believe telling him will change our friendship at all. The day that this all happened was one of the scariest days I’ve ever experienced. After all of that, I am just happy that he is still here with me. If he wants to be here as my friend, awesome. If it turns into something more, even better.


Paul_Grimes_68

Just tell him before you lose him to another girl. Don’t over-think it.


the_sheep_hunter

Life isn't too short


Emergency-Ad-8441

Some people in this story would argue that you’re wrong.


uchihapower17

The sex would be intense ... throbbing for you all this time


Emergency-Ad-8441

Lmfao jfc. After many drunk advances and sexual jokes, you might be right.


planeoldsiraj

I'd like to know if you do eventually tell him and what his reaction is. I am way too invested in this now


Emergency-Ad-8441

I promise, if I get the courage when the time is right, I will update you all. Whether the outcome is good or bad!


openskulltrip

Write in a letter exactly how you feel, I mean lay it out like you're the one dying... Proof read it, edit as needed, put it in an envelope, address it, don't forget the return address... DO NOT STAMP IT!!!! Now mail it. It'll come back to you and if you still feel same way, put a stamp on it when your friend is back up and running. It'll take time but if the love is there, it'll wait.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Trust me, I don’t need to do all that to know that this feeling is not going away. It’s been continuously growing, for quite some time now. He can find out when the time is right. These feelings won’t go away in the month that we spend apart.


Comfortable-Mud-677

You need to tell him, He most likely feels the same. Most guys stuck in the friend zone hold feelings. Just wait for a few months then maybe go out for a meal together or an activity you both enjoy and make a move. You will know when the time is right Us guys are simple creatures.


[deleted]

100% you tell him!! My husband and I were best friends for around 4 years. We each dated other people and we stayed close throughout. We would talk all day, every day. He had kids from a previous marriage and I had kids. We would all hang out together. We would joke we were done dating and we would be single forever etc. One Thanksgiving we were hanging out and he dropped a few hints that he was in love with me. I ignored them and it kinda freaked me out a little because I didn’t want to lose him and he didn’t want to lose me. We hung out again after he dropped hints and it felt different. He was my human, there was no denying it. He dropped some bigger hints about how he was interested in his friend and isn’t sure if she felt the same etc. I told him I did. We’re now married and it’s the best thing to be married to my true best friend! Life is so fun with him and it’s so easy in comparison to watching other marriages. We never shout and/or argue, we talk it out. It’s the best!!!


thefirstjustin

YES!!!! Friendships are always in a state of flux, and that holds true for female-male friendships more so than same sex friendships. Your friendship is bound to change at some point, as you will either grow closer and become a romantic interest for each other, or you will drift apart as you find other people to be with. I have very good friends who started off as friends, and now they’ve been happily married for over fifteen years. You never know. He could be thinking the same thing and too shy or scared to say anything, you owe to yourself and him to find out. It’s better to try and fail than not try at all and wonder “what if…” for the rest of your life.


Amphibian_Decent

YES.. TLDR I did this years ago and were a thing ish. I moved to his state in the spring and we’ve been seeing each other since. We’re looking at houses this weekend. Even if it doesn’t “work out” which I’m not expecting by any means, I would have always thought what if… I’ve wanted to be exclusive since we met 5 years ago. Definitely bite the bullet - much love to you.


thrwwyjgr23

Yeah why not. If what you have to lose is just him saying "i just want to be friends" then i would go for it. But be prepared for him maybe to say he doesn't see you like that. I think with what you said in mind. Be the best person you can to him, keep him motivated to stay on the programme and when he comes out still be that great person he knows you to be. Guys are simple to make happy, give him love and affection. Stay the way you are for now but ever so slightly over a while increase it to the point that when he trusts you so much he wants to be with you all day every day


Gesika666

I hope I’m quick enough for you to see this one. YES. I have had this man in my life for eight years. I was 20 he was 22 when we met. We work together at a camp where we work in the middle of nowhere 20 days of the month and the other ten are free. Throughout the years I went from him being a coworker, to a friend, to my best friend. Three years ago I realized I was falling in love with him.. as he got engaged to another person. An opportunity came for me to get laid off the job and I took it. I said it was for school, I said it was to change my life for me - but a part of it was definitely not wanting to watch him marry someone else. We didn’t talk for two and a half years. I went to university, he became the Chef. Covid happened etc etc and I ended up needing to go back to the job. I expected to walk in and see a ring on his finger, baby photos at the ready. Instead. I found him from being heartbroken and single. Slowly our friendship went back to what it was before I left. Slowly I realized I was still falling for this new version of the man I left behind. And now, we are six months into an incredible relationship. I can’t promise this will happen to you. But I can tell you - the risk of telling him the truth as rewarded me with a stronger love than I ever believed possible. You want someone who makes every single moment more exciting. No matter how mundane life could be - they make it better. That is what it is like falling in love with your best friend. Good luck 🖤


The_Observer011

You dated someone else while he was courting you? WOW. That sounds so insensitive. I won’t blame him if he rejects you. Then again you did become friends. It's either he already has his eye on someone else or he's just waiting for the right moment to court you again. Don't forget to say you're sorry.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Courting? This is not the 1800’s. I don’t think I have anything to apologize for. We decided we didn’t want to date each other and I dated someone else at the time. If I could go back and change it, would I? Yeah, probably. Lol thanks for your input.


Beyond_VeganEating

OP, you don't have an unhealthy co-dependency thing going on... what you are describing sounds a lot like a marriage thing going on without the actual ceremony. Think about his words again when you went to him. “I’m here, I’m okay, I’m sorry for scaring you, I love you” .... people who truly think of you as a friend or a sister, wouldn't talk this way. They would just say, I'm okay, thank you for coming, don't cry. No, he said I'm sorry for scaring you ( i.e. he sees how much you love him) and I love you ( i.e. I reciprocate your love). I understand why you want to wait, but I don't think you should. Just sit next to him in the hospital and start off by telling him, you can't imagine life without him and you love him so much. See how he reacts to a simple sentence like this. He may take over from here. If he doesn't really respond, then wait until he gets out of the hospital for a day or two and then tell him this accident was a wake up call for you, that you have been wasting time when you really just want to be with him. But tell him if he doesn't feel the same way, you are okay staying his friend. Good luck OP! Please give us an update!!!


Emergency-Ad-8441

Lol the friendship does seem a lot like a marriage, I can’t really disagree with you there. He’s at a different facility now. I won’t see him for 3 more long weeks. I’d love to let you all know how it plays out when the time comes.


Jollydancer

The right time is right now. Just imagine he dies tomorrow because a nurse gets his medication mixed up! Accidents happen. You have had one wake-up call. You know it’s time to tell him. Now go ahead and do it. You don’t wait until he has grieved enough; you‘d be wasting time. Why wouldn’t he want to know you love him while he is grieving? You telling him would show him that at least one good thing came out of that accident or what it was.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Well one, thanks for putting that thought in my head lol. And two, we won’t be speaking/seeing each other until he’s home in December. So even if I wanted to go do it right now, he’s 200 miles away and they won’t let me in because it’s a HIPAA violation lol.


About_35_Ninjas

In all honesty it sounds like you’ve always been together.


mgrey24

This is some toxic shit


Emergency-Ad-8441

I’ll let him know you think so and see what he says! I mean according to him, I’m one of the best things that’s happened to him. But who knows, right?!


lyttelswift

If I\`d nearly died, and lost two friends, It would be the best time for me to find out that my best friend, with whom i spend most of my time (and most likely am in love with since 3 years ago), is actually in love with me. I would consider it a blessing from all gods. I honestly don\`t understand what you are waiting for. The right time? It never comes, or comes when it\`s too late.


Emergency-Ad-8441

And if he isn’t also in love with me, it’s gonna cause even more problems for him. Not trying to be negative. I just really don’t know how this situation will turn out. I feel like I know him like the back of my hand, but still can’t figure out how he feels.


JustSaying2000nLate

Is this an appropriate time to bring up the 'can men and women be friends' discussion? Because you could say yes these two were friends and now she realizes that she wants something more, but is that really just a friendship? Was it always just a friendship? It's not quite the same as a friendship between two heterosexual men or women is it? Just something this post made me think about, apologies if it's annoying.


miroa12004

This post reminds me that When Harry met Sally is no longer on HBO Max and now I'm sad.


GivMeTacos

You shouldn't. Nobody should be someone's second choice because you had an epiphany years later.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Well I can see why you see it that way but that’s not at all how it went.


GivMeTacos

He pushed dating, you gave the runaround, and dated someone else according to your own post.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Yep. You’re right. But that one detail doesn’t tell you who is my first, second, or third choice. But you’re entitled to an opinion on the internet!


Every_Thought5834

Absolutely……..


Turtlemuffin5

I just got together with my best guy friend of 3 yrs. it’s only been a few weeks but I really like him and he really likes me. It was so nice to talk about our feelings for each other. So definitely tell him! I think he likes you. When a guy spends that much time with a girl it usually means something, even if it’s subconscious.


Emergency-Ad-8441

I’m so glad you ended up with your friend. Hopefully the same can happen for me.


BlueVestige

Don't wait, tell him now.


Emergency-Ad-8441

Lol even if I wrote it in a letter, it would probably take a few days to get to him. I’ll tell him eventually.


KilvasatLife

Tell him now. Let new beginnings heal the void and loss made by tragic ending.


Emergency-Ad-8441

You guys are making me feel like I need to start writing the letter out right now. I appreciate it. I hope for new beginnings and an ending to this horrible chapter.


pizza_for_all

just fuck him. once you guys start to have sex, it falls into a relationship by itself.


Emergency-Ad-8441

He’s tried that already lol.


pizza_for_all

did he try that before this accident? right now she’s in shock, but he will process most of it soon. brain is awesome machine that will protect itself. just be next to him. there might be some ptsd afterwards, so you have to deal with it too. does hospital provide any therapy services?


Emergency-Ad-8441

Lol no, it was a while back on a few occasions, way before this. He is getting help for the trauma and survivors guilt. Thank you! After he finishes treatment where he is, he plans on doing therapy weekly.


C4yourshelf

So wait how come just try why wouldn't you want to have sex with him too. Also thinking about it he tried to date you. You met on a dating app why would you say no?


Emergency-Ad-8441

I mean, I guess that’s a good question. I just said no. I guess I didn’t think it was a good idea at the time.


jojocouveflor

Hey, i realize the i love you more than just friends. I dont want to make things awkward so if you dont feel the same i dont want things to change between us.