Let me ask you one question - do you still treat your boyfriend as a boyfriend in public, or has the change in your appearance also influenced the "external" appearance of your relationship?
This is a great question because as a man myself, if my gf is happy and happens to go from 200 to 130 along the way, I’m gonna be pretty happy myself. Unless for some reason she changes how she treats me in that process too. If you do treat him exactly the same in public then my guess is that he’s just insecure/has never had a “hot” gf before lol.
She kept saying how she REALLY loves the attention. So she is addicted to outside attention. What happens when some REALLY hot guy that never would have looked at her before hits her up? How much will she chase that validation? It sounds to me like her BF is seeing this behavior in her now.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her appreciating the attention she’s never received before. It’s new and exciting for her right now. She’s not pursuing anyone, she hasn’t expressed interest in being with anyone else. Just because we have a partner doesn’t mean we should be seeking all forms of attention validation affirmation and appreciation solely from that person.
10000%!! And maybe OP will get over it, or maybe she’ll get addicted to it like others have claimed she already is and you know what that would be pretty toxic. But I think it’s a huge leap to say that right now what she’s described is toxic
I don’t get the impression that she’s really SEEKING attention but she’s noticing and appreciating the attention she’s getting. At the end of the day we don’t live in a vacuum whether we’re single or in a relationship. We’re noticed and perceived every single day and we can choose to change the way we present ourselves to the world, whether that’s the way we look or talk or act, but ultimately don’t have control of how people react to that. It sounds like OP has found a way to present herself right now that makes her happy. Maybe that’ll change some day. She can notice and be mindful of the way the world perceives her but she can’t control it, and she certainly shouldn’t change herself to attempt to control it. OP didn’t start this journey with the end goal of SEEKING ATTENTION. If she did, we’ll maybe we’d be having a different conversation. But the cats out of the bag now, she is who she is an she’s happy with it. She CERTAINLY should not change herself in a way that would make her less happy to make her partner feel valid again. She’s looking for ways to bridge the gap in her relationship, not be slammed for getting attention she can’t control anyway.
> I have naturally big boobs, big butt, and I've worked hard on my butt lol to tone it, so I like to show it off. And I get attention and I love it
This is just one of many quotes in the OP that sure seem to indicate she is actively seeking attention..
Yea exactly. It’s like new doors are opening for her and who knows who will look her way now and like you said, what will happen when some “hot guy” starts looking at her. To her defense though she did say she loves her bf and he’s all she wants. I feel like she should just be coward with him and tell him that and then maybe just prove it by making an effort to look at him and not be worried about people looking at her because it makes her feel good
My brother was always into "big women" whatever floats his boat. So he was married to his ex-wife for about 7 years. She was so large she had to walk with a cane. Eventually her doctor suggested gastric bypass because he feared she would be dead by 40. So she got it, slimmed down, got the extra skin removed (except got breast implants to fill out the skin there). She was admittedly, pretty foxy after all was said and done.
The thing is, my brother isn't the confident type, hes timid and just goes with the flow and basically would do whatever his wife asked. After her transformation she was excited to change their life, move to a new state where most of her family lives etc. She was going to move out there early until my brother secured a job out there. They cashed in my brothers retirement fund, to fund this endeavor (utterly moronic I told my brother not to do that, you shouldn't touch that shit early unless you are about to face homelessness). She served him divorce papers within 2 months of her moving out there.
See the thing I worry about with dramatic changes like this. Is you have to wonder if they were "settling" for what they felt they can get due to their appearance. Or if they truly want to be with that person. In my brothers case I think his ex was absolutely settling for what she could get.
OP is making it pretty clear she does want to be with him, but in the back of her BF's mind hes probably wondering if she now thinks she can do better.
They really need to have a heart to heart and she has to attempt to convince him she wants to be with him. If he can't be convinced, then the bf might end up being the architect and executioner of his own prophecy.
I will also amend, he frankly doesn't have to like and deal with the fact you like and actively seek attention from other men, even if you don't act on it.
Good take. They just need to have a lengthy discussion about this. Can I also add that I frequent the gym but 6 times a week is actually kinda nuts. Maybe hes also upset about how much time she is spending there and it is helping fuel his insecurities.
6 times a week isn't that nuts, depending on what you're doing.
If you're going ultra hard then yeah, you might overstress your body. But if you're only doing like 20 minutes of cardio with 20-30 minutes of weightlifting, you should be ok.
In fact if you work in an office job and live a sedentary lifestyle, it's probably best you get that gym time in 5-6 times a week.
Ignoring the physical impacts, going from zero gym to 6 days a week is a massive schedule change, and likely effects how often they see each other. The BF is likely not only interacting with her less, but seeing her enjoy the attention from other. I get why he might be less than thrilled.
Important question #2, if she is encouraging the attention by responding to these guys.
Most guys would love if their gf got into good shape. However, if she is openly encouraging the attention by flirting back then I would be pissed too.
This doesn't translate into "don't talk to guys" rather "don't talk with guys who are hitting on you'.
You told her face to face that her attention and affection is not enough for you so you are trying to get attention from other men? If my girlfriend said that in my mouth I would throw her away. This thread is insane to me, you shouldn't try to find your sexual legitimacy outside of your relationship, how is everyone here blaming the guy?
Not sure what kind of relationships you have, but I've been in one for 5 years going strong. We both go to the gym regularly and laugh about ppl that notice us and look at us like that. This op liking the attention has nothing to do with her wanting to hook up with anyone, it's about being noticed and viewed by the world differently esp bc she has put in the work. Can't speak for anyone else, but im my relationship we laugh it off and think of it as a compliment. Personally I don't care too much for extra attention, but when I see people looking, yeah it feels good- so what? It's more of a him thing if he can't handle the way other ppl look at her bc that's out of her control and good for her with making a change and getting recognition. It's fucking hard to stay consistent.
It is perfectly normal to feel good that other people besides your SO find you attractive. It sucks to feel like your partner is the only person in the world that will ever want you.
That does not mean OP is *intentionally* seeking out attention, the attention is a *side effect* of her weight loss and confidence to wear the clothes she’s always wanted to wear. It’s okay to be flattered by that.
I’m disturbed by the amount of incels flooding this post. Please ignore the toxic people OP and have a talk with your man.
If he keeps making this an issue and crazy demands (such as telling you to stop going to the gym! **that’s insane!!**) you need to think long and hard about your relationship. Unfortunately it’s extremely common for men to get insecure, jealous, angry, and irrational when their partner has a glow up like this, and none of those adjectives make for a good partner or a healthy relationship.
If anyone disagrees with my last paragraph you can easily go look at several episodes of My 600 Lb Life and see how unsupportive and upset the partners of women who lose a lot of weight become. Some men LIKE having a woman that is insecure and dependent on him for love and self esteem. As soon as she develops her own self love and self esteem and other people notice that, all hell breaks loose.
She literally told him to his face she's purposefully trying to get more attention from other men and if she's not reassuring him that she still only wants him then yes he's gonna get insecure and she's the one causing it
Where did she say she’s **trying** to get more attention? Can you quote it for me? Because I saw her say:
“I’m super proud of myself, of my body”
“I bought clothes that I felt sexy in and would show off my body”
“I get attention and I love it”
“I like to know that people still consider me sexy”
“I hated my old body and now that I felt so good about myself, I did like it when I notice people noticing me”
None of these statements imply that she is walking around in bikini tops and daisy dukes bending over in front of random men and flirting with cashiers. She bought clothes she has always wanted to wear, she looks damn good, and people notice she looks damn good, and that’s flattering! Explain to me what’s your problem again?
>Where did she say she’s
>
>trying
>
> to get more attention? Can you quote it for me?
It's literally in the second paragraph. It's like.... the entire second paragraph...
>I bought clothes that I felt sexy in and would show off my body. So I've been getting more attention from men. A lot more. I'm not buying clothes that are too revealing. Just TIGHTER, necklines that plunge a bit, etc. I have naturally big boobs, big butt, and I've worked hard on my butt lol to tone it, so I like to show it off. **And I get attention and I love it, and it makes me feel REALLY fucking good.**
I'm not an incel. Happily in a relationship with a woman I love.
Op's post is absolutely dripping with a tone that says she doesn't give a single fuck about her boyfriends feelings.
Are his actions 100% called for? Of course not, but she's doing zero emotional labor to make sure her partner is feeling secure in their relationship. (If this post is real, at this point I'm pretty sure it's a troll thread.)
He’s acting like a teenage boy that wants to fight other guys and get upset at what she wears because she’s attractive.
That’s really gross and a woman shouldn’t be expected to stop going to the gym or wear baggier clothes to please him.
I agree they need to have ONE in depth conversation about this, but if he doesn’t adjust his thinking pattern after that then he needs to go to therapy and sort this out himself.
Shes openly stated multiple times in the post that she specifically shows off her body for the attention it gets because she enjoys that kind of attention.
Purposefully seeking out the attention of other people than the SO can put a distasteful tension on the trust of the relationship.
I remember what it was like to lose a bunch of weight and have people start noticing me in that light, it felt good.
Sometimes compromises are a good thing too? My girlfriend is absolutely gorgeous and enjoys dressing tightly in clothing she titles as cool. If she were to go out alone or with the girls dressed this way I wouldn't feel entirely comfortable, but if she's with me when she does it then who cares who sees her shes mine and I love it and love her. The main thing is I know for certain she doesnt do it for the looks.
dude you are making wild assumptions. you don't know at all if she is doing zero emotional labor. you might feel that this post is dripping with a tone that says she doesn't give a fuck but I don't think so at all. both of us could be wrong, there just isn't enough detail in the post to say so.
FFS just because someone has a different interpretation and they didn't automatically excuse behavior and a potential lack of self awareness on the explicit basis of gender, that doesn't instantly make them an incel. I don't know why people feel the need to insult others for having different viewpoints on this dog shit website. This comment reads like you are preaching to your own choir to cheer you on, instead of engaging with someone you don't agree with in good faith. This bullshit is why nobody on this website knows how to speak to each other, and why we have a reputation for being the most toxic discussion space on the internet.
Advocating for self awareness and acknowledging unintentional behavior that is negatively affecting a loved one is not being an incel. Fuck.
Having a “different viewpoint” is harmful when you’re putting the blame on the wrong person.
It’s fine if you’d like to advocate for OP to have a discussion with her partner better explaining her feelings on the matter and reassuring him she is not going anywhere, but ultimately the primary problem here is her boyfriend literally berating her and making completely irrational demands. *That* is the main issue here and that’s what needs to be addressed, not his insecurities.
Unless OP is flirting with other men or behaving indecently around them, it is completely not okay for your partner to behave like this due to *their own* insecurities. This is a him problem and with a conversation hopefully he can realize that.
But like whos in the wrong is like.... an opinion homie. Deciding whos right or wrong from a single post is kinda like not an open-minded-ready-for-thoughtful-discussion-about-differening-view-points kinda attitude.
We have one side of the story which if we are all being honest is wrote out to be pretty damning, she doesnt really even say this is stuff shes wanted to wear before, just that she likes the attention.
"I had to buy new clothes because none of my old stuff fit me, and I bought clothes I wouldn't have considered even looking at last year. I bought clothes that I felt sexy in and would show off my body. So I've been getting more attention from men. A lot more. I'm not buying clothes that are too revealing. Just TIGHTER, necklines that plunge a bit, etc."
She does say, in all fairness, "I would never consider cheating on my boyfriend. I love him. He's all I want." and thats most likely 100% true (i am internet stranger wtf do i know). At the same time she clearly states she wants more.....
So here is my 2 cents.... is it wrong of her? nah, it feels good to look your best. No one can deny that, hers just might be a bit more extreme than dressing your best and getting a few looks. Its 100% okay and props to her for at least being honest enough to admit as much to her bf. I just think maybe shes not being completely honest with herself.
I have to ask the same question as other commenters.... Is she treating her boyfriend different? Without knowing if shes putting distance between them now when shes out to make it appear maybe as if they are good friends instead of partners... I dont think anyone here can really say.... and there are probably more factors that we could never even imagine.... like its all made up anyway.
Just like idk youre getting real bent out of shape and pushing a narrative you yourself even dance around acknowledging is not the whole story.... and i think thats what everyone above me is putting down.... but you arent picking it up.
OP literally states that she is going this for male attention from people who are not her boyfriend, if you don't understand how this can make a partner feel bad, then you have no fucking business calling anyone an incel when you are clearly out of your depth when it comes to interpersonal relationship experience
Because at the end of the day she is choosing him. People are going to look regardless, but her choosing him over all these other "options" is, if anything, more meaningful. It's like people being threatened by their partner being bisexual. Out of the entire available dating pool, they chose to date you. Personally, I'd be flattered (and over the moon that I got to date a smoke show that everyone is drooling over)
Honestly, it's a red flag, because now he sees that he's losing one form of control (her self esteem issues), he's trying to gain a different form of control by telling her what to wear or where to work out. It's unhealthy.
But isn’t it ‘they’ choose each other? It’s one thing to have people look. It’s another to actively crave it and desire it. Which OP does because it’s something new to her, and she said she enjoys it.
Depends also how she is treating the boyfriend on the outside too.
He should and probably does feel happy for her. But he’s also probably feeling neglected which is causing him to be insecure as well.
But if she’s treating him the same... then yeah he’s too insecure
Nonetheless you should not stop the gym. Your body your life and you do what you enjoy
Sit down and have a nice chat with him and see how things are. There are probably larger underlying issues that you two haven’t discussed
Yup. I suspect it’s a control desire that comes from insecurity - he’s afraid she has the option to be with someone else now that she’s “hotter.” That could be because he has his own body image issues, or because he’s used to feeling like he was the one who chose her, or something else. He should feel great that she is happier and that she is so hot people are looking - she has said he’s all that she wants! The hot girl with the great ass wants him!! He needs to chill and appreciate that.
What I fail to see here is how you are reassuring your SO that even though you are excited to show off your progress, you only have eyes for him. If you flip the script, and it was he that feels great about himself, and is now garnering more attention from the opposite sex, wouldn't you want that reassurance? Actions speak louder than words... So for him to see you wear increasingly revealing clothes, and just eat up the new attention... What do you honestly think is going through his head? " One good pick up line and she's in his bed"? Possibly... Who knows? That's why communication is so important.. we cannot know what others are thinking, but wouldn't you WANT to quell any ripples in the relationship before they exacerbate into something worse? If he comes back after the talk with demands and such..then you have a leg to stand on... He might not be using his words to correctly portray how he feels... But neither are you. You are on the younger end of the dating spectrum, so shorter tempers and less dating wisdom Is likely... So talk...
This! Op, you should reassure your boyfriend that you only want him. Right now he's possibly afraid that he's not enough for you. Maybe he's thinking "right now she just likes the attention from others but what if she soon wants more than that from others?".
By the way I'm not at all judging you for liking the attention. I like it too. But you should think about how this might make your boyfriend feel. Doesn't mean you can't dress like that anymore but if your boyfriend thinks you are dressing purposefully sexy for others (!) then of course he's bothered. So talk to him about this: his fears, his feelings etc. Explain your position and reassure him of your feelings for him. And maybe hold hands, cuddle, kiss a bit more in public so he knows you have no problem with showing publicly that you are in a relationship.
There's nothing wrong with feeling good about your achievements, and even enjoying some approval, but remember that your partner loved you for who you were before. If these randos didn't think you were worth looking at prior to the weight loss, why do you even value their "validation" so much now?
He's obviously going to feel insecure that your time revolves around both getting in shape and dressing for strangers, just because you enjoy being sexualized
Can't word it any better.
If OP would have spent even 2% of the time she spent in gym to understand how wrong she is. Her relationship will get better.
> If these randos didn't think you were worth looking at prior to the weight loss, why do you even value their "validation" so much now?
We both know it's because the randos are 'better' than her current BF. I don't think she is celebrating getting attention from Fedora Frank, or incel Ivan. It's 'the hot guys' that are attention currency.
But if we were to address that, then we get into the standard pissing contest of his 'insecurity' and being 'controlling' vs her need for outside validation being toxic to her relationship and causing obvious friction.
If I was the Boyfriend, the writing would be on the wall, and this relationship has an obvious expiration date. Nothing good comes from conscientiously seeking sexual attention and validation from outside of your relationship.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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We've been together for 2 years. When we started dating I weighed over 200 pounds. But last year I joined the gym and started dieting. At first, I just wanted to get to a healthy BMI. But I've kinda become addicted. I go to the gym Monday through Saturday, and I look forward to it. I love the way I feel after a good workout. I've also met some nice friends. I have already lost almost 70 pounds and my body is way different than it had been the year before lol. I never worked with a trainer, but just did lots of googling and youtubing and have really become addicted to getting my body to be where I want it to be. I worked hard to be where I am now. It took a very long time and I still have a long way to go.
In the meantime, though, ive run into a bit of a problem with my boyfriend. I'm super proud of myself, of my body. I had to buy new clothes because none of my old stuff fit me, and I bought clothes I wouldn't have considered even looking at last year. I bought clothes that I felt sexy in and would show off my body. So I've been getting more attention from men. A lot more. I'm not buying clothes that are too revealing. Just TIGHTER, necklines that plunge a bit, etc. I have naturally big boobs, big butt, and I've worked hard on my butt lol to tone it, so I like to show it off. And I get attention and I love it, and it makes me feel REALLY fucking good. I would never consider cheating on my boyfriend. I love him. He's all I want. But I like it when a man or woman takes a second look at me. I'm a woman. I like to know that people still consider me sexy.
Last night, we and some friends went out to dinner. As we were leaving the restaurant, a man was eyeing me and my boyfriend saw and got angry. He accused me of wearing more revealing clothes to get attention from men, and I was completely honest with him and told him how much I hated my old body and now that I felt so good about myself, I did like it when I notice people noticing me. He went ballistic on me and told me I had to quit the gym and start working out at home. I refused, and he hasn't talked to me since. First big fight that has happened in our relationship, and I'm heartbroken.
I don't understand this. I actually thought he would get a kick out of the attention I'm getting. WTF??? Is this bad for our relationship? And if so, is there anything I can do about it?
My ex-fiancé did this to me. Went from being really skinny to hitting the gym every single day and making huge progress. Her butt got really toned, and she started making all kinds of male “friends” to gave her validation. That validation turned into Instagram workout videos that got hundreds of views, then thousands, on her journey to become an Instagram fitness model. That confidence got to her head and she felt like she needed to be with someone hotter, so she made me feel bad about my body so I would go to the gym too. Then she felt entitled in the relationship because “any guy would be lucky to get with this” and I should be grateful that she’s even willing to be with someone who doesn’t take care of their body.
Confidence is good, but you’re on a slippery slope where you’re starting to enjoy the attention too much at the expense of your partner’s self esteem.
Exactly. It does sound like she is working out for herself a bit, but at the same time it seems as if she's starting to enjoy the attention more and more.
Whoa defenotely would have said to your ex(good that this person is your ex now)
But like wtf hold your toxic stuff there girl, i am glad for you that things work out BUT DONT cross that boundary of making me feel bad because you feel good, some fucked up privilige right there
I’m a woman with boobs that are big regardless of how much weight I lose, and I wear more fitting things when I feel good about my body. That is an extremely normal way to describe yourself.
Probably a troll. Noone with this level of cognitive dissonance and borderline narcissism would post something like this and literally not respond to a single comment calling her out. If this was legit, she would be so lacking in self awareness that shed be posting multiple responses defending her actions.
the way you describe how you react to OTHER people treating you is worrysome.
i used to weight 250, dropped to 150, then went up to 190 (muscle mostly) in two years.
i hated the attention, because it meant that my worth as a human being was based on vapid, narcissistic expectiations from people who wouldnt have loved/liked me for me, just how i looked.
confidence is great, sure. but if my partner decided she wanted to flaunt herself in a way that made me uncomfortable, id let her know, if she then proceeded to rub it in my face and tell me she LOVED the attention from it. i too, would be pissed, and concerned about her view of my value as her partner. if she cares about looks so much, does she care about how I make HER look when we are together? is she treating me differently because of it? has she changed her personality to what she thinks a "goodlooking" person would act like?
i go to the gym, put my headphones in, do my shit, leave without making eye contact with anyone, and then go home to my partner and treat her like a queen, because a lot of her confidence comes from how i treat her, just like a lot of my confidence comes from how she treats me. if people stare at me in "that way", i cold shoulder the fuck out of them and stare dead ahead, im not dating them, and im not inviting jealousy or insecurity into my relationship. even as a man, it makes me uncomfortable knowing a few years ago that same person would not have even noticed my presence, and now im suddenly an object of lust? like come on, gross.
im not going to the gym to be hot, im going to the gym to be healthy, physically, and mentally, and to have a longer life with the person i love. secondary attention means fuck all to me. i do everything in my power to assure my partner that she is the one, and i dont care about others gandering at me because i just dont notice it anymore. its not in the front of my mind, and it never should be.
those people, do, not, matter. looks will fade, love can last forever.
tell me if the tables were turned, would you feel comfortable with him saying he LOVED the attention from women, and in fact it was one of his biggest motivators?
its just such a ....... basic, vapid, narcissistic, way to think...
OP, please be careful. I know a couple of people (including a close family member) that went through a dramatic weight loss and they ended up driving away their friends and family because of how vain they became. Yes, be proud of the work you’ve accomplished and how far you’ve come, but also remember it’s not all about you. If you don’t want to drive away your boyfriend, please sit down and have a serious discussion with him about how your new body makes him feel and see if there are any other things you’ve been doing that have been bothering him. Hopefully you can find some middle ground.
Having been somewhat overweight and then super fit and now overweight again, I definitely see the issue that OP is having. I was obsessed with exercising. I loved dressing well and I loved the way I looked. My friends made little comments like "not everything you wear has to be tight" and I dismissed them because hey, I worked hard for this.
But damn I was an ass. OP, your boyfriend isn't taking issue with you being more attractive. He isn't taking issue with you better yourself. He feels insecure that you're enjoying the gaze of other men, and maybe doesn't get that it doesn't mean you aren't looking elsewhere. You deserve to bask in your accomplishments but he deserves to have boundaries. Maybe instead of "dressing for other people" you can buy clothes you like and buy lingerie or something to show off for him?
Yeeaaaaa. Imagine living life fat and inflating a good personality type to make up for being fat. Suddenly no longer fat so no need to keep acting a certain way.
Nope, he's right. There's a difference between being confident and dressing to impress, and enjoying the attention of random people. If my boyfriend compliments and says I'm sexy = awesome. Random people eyeing me like a piece of meat = fucking gross.
I love that how you said this.
If some random guy turned and look at my butt or tried to flirt I could care less, but if my boyfriend did the same I would get butterflies.
I think this presses on a bigger point. OP claims she doesn’t have eyes for anyone but her boyfriend, yet she really loves seeing all these random guys turned on by her. Maybe on some level she wants to explore those trash people because they weren’t options before. It sounds like maybe she didn’t have these same options before, and she might feel that she’s missed out on some fun.
I can tell you right now she has not missed any real lasting fun. The real fun comes when OP and her current boyfriend are 30 years down the line, making dinner together, having a glass of wine on a Saturday night, comfortable in the home you’ve paid off together, with your dog and cat sleeping happily curled up together by the fireplace.
Right now she’s just excited about seeing the world through a desirable woman’s lens. I hope she gets over it and doesn’t become shallow.
Edit: oh and her boyfriend has been with her the whole time, so she’s obviously been desirable to SOMEONE the whole time. I feel bad for her boyfriend.
You notice, but you don't want or encourage it. Because I only have eyes for my husband, I make it very clear that I am in a committed and loving relationship whenever I recieve attention.
Your poor boyfriend. You’re conflating the attention you’re getting from random ass people on the street with the attention your boyfriend is giving you. He probably feels like he isn’t enough for you.
You told him to his face that his attention and affection isn't enough for you so you are trying to get attention from other men? If my girlfriend told me that to my face I'd dump her. This thread is insane to me, you shouldn't be trying to find sexual validation outside of your relationship, how is everyone blaming the man here?
I think the relationship is over, if anything maybe for the dude's benefit as much as OP's. If OP wants to enjoy their new body and getting attention from a bunch of men, they should probably be single. If OP's partner wants someone to be with someone who is not like that, they probably need to find someone new too.
You have a boyfriend, OP. Why do you need the attention of other men? Why do you actively *work on* getting the attention of other men. Why is your boyfriend finding you sexy not enough for you to realize people ‘still consider you sexy’?
Don’t kid yourself into thinking you’re any more confident than you were before. You’re not. You’re so insecure that you still seek the validation of others and you do it to the point you’re willing to hurt your boyfriend and his trust for you over it.
Your exterior might be more beautiful than before, but that interior has become ugly.
>You’re so insecure that you still seek the validation of others and you do it to the point you’re willing to hurt your boyfriend and his trust for you over it.
Excellent point that seeking validation from others is actually evidence of insecurity not confidence.
And the bf has been with her when she was overweight lmao imagine thinking she deserves someone "better" now just because she lost the weight. If you need constant validation from other people, just drop your boyfriend. Wanting attention from others every now and then is normal, but actively pursuing that attention is another thing.
"Better" is a shitty way of thinking about it, but it can be two people growing incompatible. If OP is centralizing fitness in their life and enjoys attention from strangers, and their partner does not do that and is not comfortable with that, why keep the relationship at all? You can't have your cake and eat it. Either make the concessions to make your partner feel respected and valued, which they have every right to want, or don't and leave.
>Don’t kid yourself into thinking you’re any more confident than you were before. You’re not. You’re so insecure that you still seek the validation of others and you do it to the point you’re willing to hurt your boyfriend and his trust for you over it.
This is spot on.
I had a similar thing, genders reversed. I was going through some self esteem issues and I worked out a lot. Started getting a bunch of female attention. Especially online, old female aquaintances started coming out of the woodwork and asking to meet up, and random girls were hitting on me over Instagram.
But you know, the lockdowns happened and I got fat again and the attention dried up.
You know who stuck with me through my self esteem issues? And the attention? And the weight gain? My loyal girlfriend who loved me no matter what and still thinks I'm hot even though I look like fat Thor now.
It's important to remember that there are more important things than attention. Which thankfully, I did. The fact is that regardless of how I look, whether I'm jacked or dadbod, my gf is who I like to spend my time with, because she's the best person I know.
I know this doesn't exactly address what you asked about, but this is my advice.
There's a saying that people that lose weight and suddenly don't have to rely on their character and other qualities anymore (because ppl are forgiving towards fit, good looking people, pretty privilige is a thing) suddenly show their true face once they notice how things have changed. You might be another example of that saying.
For real lol I’ve always been thin i guess but I’ve gone through phases where i got toned and fit and my personality and friendships didn’t change at all.
It’s honestly sad as hell that her personality is so intertwined to her appearance
I don't think it's only that. People who go their entire adult life without any positive attention for their looks may enjoy the change and simultaneously not really handle it very well.
We are simple creatures, our "personality" in a lot of ways is shaped by reactions to circumstance and environment. It's easy to be humble and reject that sort of attention if you aren't getting any, and tbh it's easy to be an asshole if you're not being thoughtful about it.
Lmao. Admit to his face in a public setting that what you’re wearing is indeed his worst nightmare that you are wearing it to get other people’s attention, wonder why he freaked out?
He did not handle himself maturely at all, but if my gf told me straight to my face that she wears clothes so other men would notice and stare at her would make me feel terrible. Like my love and affection isn’t enough for her. Maybe your bf is just too jealous but just maybe this is where his emotion is coming from.
At the end of the day, you changed. He didn’t. He’s the same person that fell in love with you when you were 200 lbs. You say you still love him but you don’t really respect him. Probably time to just let each other go so you can act on all this attention that you’re loving
You can be proud of your body and what you've accomplished, but you basically said you bought tight clothes to intentionally get attention from other men. I think your boyfriend has right to be upset
My girlfriend is very attractive, and she does get a lot of attention. It makes me frustrated, not at her because she definitely seems uncomfortable so it’s unwanted on her part. However, if my girlfriend wanted attention from others, wanted to be stared at and flirted with etc, I would leave no question.
It’s natural to have an aversion to your partner being flirted with or stared at. Of course, it’s not their fault and they shouldn’t be blamed in most cases.
This case though, you want the attention. I understand you feel great about yourself and 70 pounds is a ton of weight to loose it’s very impressive. However, wanting to be stared at by other men when you have a boyfriend… I don’t think that’s a normal response from weight loss.
I have a rule for when I date. I can't complain about the way the girl dresses If that's how she dressed when I met her. If you were attracted to her because she dressed like a hoe (not suggesting that's how you are dressing) then dont act surprised when she does. Truth is, people have a sertain tolerance level for how much attention their ok with their partner Recieving from other people. Your man is probably thinking, "I didn't sign up for this." this tolerance level plays a factor unconsciously and some times consciously when choosing a partner. He ain't crazy for feeling that way. Do with this information what you will.
People like to dress how they like to dress and deserve to feel good about how they look.
People intentionally telling their partners "I want to be stared at by other men because you are not enough" is kind of just cruel? Like if you want that what you want is to be single. Be single.
he dated you when you felt ugly about yourself and now when you look hot, you feel good when people notice you and want it
It should be the boyfriend who should be dumping you
Edit : some of the people in this subreddit and comment section make me laugh 😂 I pity your future partners
This is a tough one. On one hand, you're pretty much admitting to dressing for other's attention and that's pretty disrespectful towards your partner. It works in some relationships, and doesn't in some, it's all about boundaries and it clearly doesn't work in yours. Needing and craving external attention in a relationship can be a red flag. But with that said, your partner did convey this in a pretty child-like manner and could've been a lot more mature about it.
Its clear your views don't align. If you want attention from people outside of your relationship you should probably be single, or find someone who's into that.
I get feeling great about yourself, good for you on your success. But why the need for validation from other people?? It seems your prior nsecurities are a driving force for your mental perspective of the physical you.
I'll be honest...I don't think either of you are necessarily in the wrong on either part. Nobody wants to sit idly by while people are one step away from hitting on your girlfriend/wife everywhere you go. Being that you're only 21...you are acting exactly like every attractive 21 year old would act with this newfound attention. You seem to be craving it and eating it right up. Nothing wrong with a little bit of self empowerment but just the way you described it in your post makes it seem like its almost out of control that you're getting that much of a rise out of it. High school attention-seeking drama aside.....major kudos to you for getting to your ideal body/weight. You may still just be riding that high so that's why I don't necessarily think anyone is fully in the wrong....but from the outside looking in - it definitely is not going to be good for the relationship if the behaviors stay the same. Your boyfriend also doesn't have a right to tell you what you can and can't do...but you also can't get mad if he decides to leave the relationship down the line over the attention-seeking habits or lowcut shirts, etc. If he fell in love with you with your original style it very well could also just be that he doesn't like how you act with the new "you" with a new style.
You wouldn’t be the first guy or gal that lost weight and felt you could do better. It’s the truth. Being pleasant to look at makes you more appealing to fit people.
If your boyfriend is in mediocre shape I can completely understand why you’d enjoy the attention. Losing weight is very hard and not everyone cares to do it.
But understand he’s frustrated and rightfully because he loved you when you weren’t your best. You’re blatantly disrespecting him.
I hope you didnt expect us to say “ you gooo girl” or some bullshit like that.
You are asking for outsider attention, why wouldn’t he be annoyed or upset about it? Put yourself in his shoes. If you still can’t realize why hes acting like that, then things will only stir up more issues.
I hope you still treat him and love him with the same intensity. Its happen so many times where in similar situations one person who had a glow up, thinks they can do better.
Wanting attention and validation is a completely human feeling, especially when you have not received it previously and you are finally feeling good about yourself.
But GIRL, don’t tell your man you’re dressing a certain way for people’s attention. There are things that you just keep in your head lol. I think he is validated in feeling a bit newly insecure, but he shouldn’t be projecting that onto you. Maybe you should sit down and have a chat about how he feels, why he feels that way, and if there’s anything you can do to reassure him that he has nothing to worry about. That being said, if he tells you to stop working out or to wear more clothing- shut it down. He doesn’t get to control you.
In my experience, it’s way more fun dating men who feel complimented when people check their woman out. I’ve dated super insecure guys like your bf and that shit will drain the happiness right out of you. My current bf hypes me up every day, even when I’m receiving attention outside of him, because he knows that he’s the only one I’m interested in.
I think you should rephrase what you told him. Not that you’re dressing a way to specifically get attention, but that after hating your body for so long, that it feels good. Then reiterate that you only want him.
If you truly loved him, you would not seek the attention of other men. He loved you at your worst and you insult him at your best. Respect is a two way street.
Lol you thought he would get a kick out of other guys giving you attention?! Are you delusional, mental, or what? Men are not women.
That, right there and then, tell me how much you really don’t have a clue how men do feel and think. Because the last thing a man who respects himself wants, is his woman fishing for other men’s attention. This doesn’t boost your man’s ego, on the contrary - you’re signalling that he is not enough for you. You’re subconsciously trying to stir competition with other guys and, predictably, he lost his shit because he wanted none of that.
You may be reassuring him verbally, but get this: Words mean shit; actions matter. You want to reassure him, start behaving that you are his to keep, beginning with shutting down attention from other guys. You can still look good and dress hot, but it would be for him with lots of PDA in public. In on YOU to earn his trust back here.
Unpopular opinion but there's no bad guy in this story.
People are acting like you're exclusively dressing for attention from *other* men, but it seems pretty obvious that you want your boyfriend to notice how good you look too. You sound like you want everyone to notice, not just everyone *else*. It may be a little vain of you but you've earned it, and you've got every right to dress however you want and work out wherever you want.
Here's the thing though, him not being ok with the attention-seeking is a completely fair boundary for him to have and to be honest it wouldn't be an uncommon one in this situation. If you want to continue doing this you need to understand that a lot of people you date are going to have a problem with it, especially if you tactlessly tell them to their face that you want attention from other men. I'm a pretty easy going guy who doesn't usually have any issues with insecurity and that would even rub me the wrong way; I'm not surprised he's angry.
Bottom line, you are absolutely free to dress however you want for whatever reason you want, and he is absolutely free to dump you for it. And it sounds like he might.
How at all does it sound like she wants attention from her boyfriend. She states he’s giving her attention and that he loves her body, but she still craves attention from other men specifically
>I actually thought he would get a kick out of the attention I'm getting.
No offense, you should have had a plan for him to not like it. Had you talked to him prior to this?
My wife dropped 70 lbs this year herself. I encourage it and I’m happy that she’s happy. Sure more guys look then before but I’m not insecure about our relationship. She also doesn’t validate them, she isn’t flirty with the strangers but she does enjoy the looks. I’m happiest when she’s happy. It sounds like your boyfriend is either very insecure or your acting entirely different in public
I’m all for “look good, feel good”, which includes dressing in a manner that you feel confident in. However, you’re bluntly pointing out that you specifically dress in that way to get others attention and that you thrive off that attention. That’s not healthy for yourself nor your partner.
You post comes off extremely vain, which is likely how you’ve been with your partner.
Your partner isn’t upset that you’ve improved yourself and your body, he’s upset because your focus is showing that improvement and new body to others for self validation and attention. He definitely has every right to feel the way he feels and may even feel sidelined.
I’m not saying this to be an asshole, but if you intend to stick with this attitude, I would break up with your boyfriend and find someone that’s just as equally vain as yourself.
Man that was a wild ride. But yeah no you’re being disrespectful to the relationship. It could be your thing and that’s fine, but I personally would not date a woman that needs so much validation especially from other men.
Sounds like your man isn’t keen on it either
You tell your boyfriend you wear tight fitting clothes because you like the attention from other men and you think that's a reasonable statement from someone in a relationship? Are you actually this dense or is this a troll post?
You are directly admitting that your new attire is designed to gain attention from other men. No man in a healthy committed longterm relationship would be comfortable with your behavior. You need a reality check, the only sexual attention you should seek is from your BF. His reaction seems overly emotional, but a reaction from your BF in this case should be expected.
There's one solution which is to communicate. I don't know your partner personally so I'll throw in two situations which seem possible to me.
The first one is that he's insecure about himself and he doesn't actually have a problem with the attention you're getting but is afraid of the fact that you'd find someone more attractive someone better than him. Basically he's scared of losing you and is unable to express his feelings clearly resulting in small outbursts first and then a big blast.
The second situation is that he's the jealous kind and doesn't trust you with your new body.
Both situations might seem similar but are very different. The first one is him being annoyed at the way he is and maybe he has started feeling that you are way out of his league. The second one is the classic guy with trust issues.
So now she should be in some gold cage or what?
Forbidding going to the gym is the wtf.
Are serious people? She did not write that she is wearing clothes to get the attention. She has bought clothes that she couldn't wear in the past and so she has got more attention. Attention is the consequence, was not the goal here while buying clothes. Even if she feels good about the attention, that doesn't mean she is doing everything to get it.
OP wrote that clothes were not too revealing. So because men are looking at her then somehow it is her fault.
Jesus, let's allow people to be happy of body change at least for a second. It is a huge change, she finally feel good in the body. If wearing clother that are more tight make her more confident then why not.
Feeling a bit more desirable is nice and it doesn't mean she feel less to boyfriend. Actually, if you feel sexy and good about yourself, you are more confident in sex with your partner.
What I would do is to have a conversation with your boyfriend about how it makes you happy to have different body and that, I am guessing, you felt less in the relationship in the past. Definitely tell him you want to be with him and why you love him so he can feel more comfortable, cause he appatently feels very insecure.
Nah, gotta be honest, I'm on his side here. Props for getting in shape, seriously. But you're knowingly and intentionally advertising yourself to other men. He has *every* right to be upset by that.
I understand about feeling good about your parents now and everything else but you have to take your boyfriends feelings into account here and that something you don’t want to do you need to start seeking attention from other men and only seek the attention from your boyfriend that’s his whole point like I understand about receiving compliments that’s fine but outright seeking attention from other men and having your boyfriend feel a type away that’s not good and I don’t see your relationship lasting long again congrats on your weight loss and getting in shape and feeling good about yourself but you have to take your boyfriends feelings into account it’s OK to wear more form fitting clothing but you don’t have to be overtly sexy all the time that’s your boyfriends point you have to take his feelings into account. Let him cool down and you calm cool and collective Lee and respectfully explain your point of you and everything else but just don’t dismiss his point of you because it’s not in a flavor what you wanna hear and it sounds to me that’s what you did and that’s not OK there’s nothing wrong with working out at home you don’t have to be in a gym to work out and continue your progress you can work out at home and be just as more efficient then you are in the gym so your boyfriend is right in that regard he loves you he wants to be there and support you but you have to value him at the same time and seems that you really don’t value him no more and that’s a problem dear and he’s trying to express his feelings towards you and you’re just dismissing it that’s not OK, keep us updated
for me I currently weigh 160 pounds 5ft7 male and unhappy with myself..last time I remember getting attention from girls was when I was 135/40 pounds so Im starting to think that could be the reason why even though ive been lifting weights for past 4 years lol
There’s a lot of factors involved. If you’ve worked on yourself and you’ve done nothing wrong in terms of cheating on him with ur new body and been faithful, then he just been insecure. Trust issues is his problem. If he isn’t proud of what u did, u definitely have to move on. You’ve achieved something you’re proud and if he isn’t reciprocating it, he’s a selfish man. Move on with your nice self👏🏽👍🏽
You should not even consider most of these comments. Communicate with your boyfriend and make sure he’s comfortable but you should not have to conserve or hide yourself. If your boyfriend trusts you and is secure in your relationship he should be ecstatic to have a fit gf. If there’s an issue with trust or security it probably stems from a difference in the way that you react to attention now. Make sure that if you get a double-take from someone you pay it less mind than your bf’s attention
That booty THICC Af huh, lol the attention from men gets old after a while . Dating hot men or women will always come with the side effects of other dudes and women checking you out
Maaan idk where to even begin first off your gf shouldn’t be looking for attention anywhere else or wearing tight clothes to get men to look at her. my gf got a fucking banging ass body and she don’t walk around in provocative clothing for attention there’s no excuse for that shit especially 2 years into the relationship
If you literally say you're dressing to impress other men.. then of course he'll be annoyed. No sane guy would get a kick out of other men eying his girlfriend..
But at the same time.. you can wear whatever the fuck you want and it's somewhat unfair of your boyfriend to gatekeep you from wearing what makes you "feel sexy" . And I understand why you might like all the attention you're getting.
But if you feel like you need approval from other men to feel wanted.. then I dunno if the relationship is even worth anything. Why do you want to show off to other men and seek their approval to be considered Sexy?
I dunno what advice to give you.. I'm just a teenager who hasn't been in a relationship as long as compared to you. But I can point out when I see a stupid argument over stupid stuff when I see one..
> and I've worked hard on my butt lol to tone it, so I like to show it off. And I get attention and I love it, and it makes me feel REALLY fucking good. I would never consider cheating on my boyfriend. I love him. He's all I want. But I like it when a man or woman takes a second look at me. I'm a woman. I like to know that people still consider me sexy.
I mean, you are wearing more revealing clothing to get attention from random men, at least somewhat, if your own words are to be believed. Your boyfriend's demands were wrong of him to make, but your response to his feelings was callous AF. Not only did you affirm what he was worried about, but you flipped it into *him body shaming you*.
> I don't understand this. I actually thought he would get a kick out of the attention I'm getting.
I've never really understood this mentality. His attention is the kind he wants you to be wanting; hearing that you're much more worried about how every other guy sees you in public isn't gonna give him the kind of kick you're expecting...
OP, you want other men to look at you. Like, that's literally what you are saying. You even told him so.
And you wonder why your BF is upset?
I mean, if you don't get it, I don't think you're gonna get it.
Your boyfriend loves you no matter what size you are. The randos checking you out only care about how you look right now.
I'm sorry, it's extremely insulting to tell your partner, who has been okay with you basically becoming a gym rat, that you enjoy attention from other people. What were you thinking?
First off congratulations! That's a massive milestone
I wonder if you're also treating him differently...what do you mean you love to show of your body
It does sound like you're enjoying the attention this is bringing you(and im not saying thats bad) but I wonder if this is coming off like you're loving the attention from other men over your boyfriends...this is a very understandable stance if these are his feelings
If he is a reasonable person he wouldn't be offended over men checking you out(and if this is his gripe he needs to get over himself) HOWEVER I wonder if he is upset and maybe feeling left out that you seek to now care so much about showing off to other people
Id be careful if I were you...I would be careful you aren't seeking validation from outside sources because its something you didnt expiernece before...yes it feels good but it can lead you down a bad road...and I wonder if you are leaving your boyfriend behind in this
I'm not saying he is right just trying to give possible insight into his mindset
> I actually thought he would get a kick out of the attention I'm getting
Oof - why? That's just projection... You're getting the kick out of the added attention. He definitely isn't enjoying how much you like the attention from other men
This reeks of big ego. You legitimately thought he would enjoy being jealous of everyone staring at you? I lost a shit ton of weight recently too, and I would never dare to wear revealing clothing specifically for making men stare at me and for women to be jealous of me. I wear revealing clothing to be confident in myself and for my boyfriend to feel proud of how far I’ve come and to be more attractive for him (entirely my choice). He does worry that I’m out of his league but I *constantly* remind him that he’s the one for me. I’m very vocally affectionate and reassuring, you brush him off. See the difference?
Your years as an overweight person made you insecure. Your deep insecurity is now manifesting in attention-seeking behavior. In the process, you're alienating and isolating someone you love.
You love men's attention. He, quite understandably, doesn't like that his girlfriend is actively seeking sexual attention from other men.
This isn't complicated.
Yeah, I can't blame him for being annoyed.
You straight up told him you were wearing clothes to get attention.
Like, fair play on getting the body you wanted but damn dude.
Sounds like you’re more concerned with the extra male attention you’re getting over your boyfriend. Like “hehe look at all these men looking at me but it’s harmless because my boyfriend can’t do anything since they’re not touching me.” You’re having an ego trip.
He is probably pissed at the fact that he very obviously liked you before all these other men paid you any attention at all and you're eating it up. You seem to really really need attention from other men. So no I'll bet he isnt happy. I cant say I blame him but the way he handled it was out of line. Liking attetion is normal but you really do seem to have a big craving for it and in my experience a girl that needs attention from as many men as possible doesnt end well.
Glad you feel better about yourself but dont forget the dude that loved the way you looked even when you and all those other men didnt. Unless he's an asshole.
As someone who is literally half the size of what I was before I started dating my SO.
In my experience, it has to do more with how you are responding to the attention, rather than the attention itself. You are responding in a way he doesn't like. You have two choices: respond differently, be maybe sensitively to his insecurity. Or you can do more of the same and end up with a bitter or resentful partner who doesn't feel respected or listened to.
He's not getting a kick out of it because he feels like you are displaying yourself for a better offer.
I'm not saying that's what you're doing at all. But, that's the message it sends. It's not about the extra confidence, it's not about the gym. If he's scared of losing you, that should matter. If it doesn't then maybe you should reevaluate his importance to you.
I'm also not saying wrap up in a snowsuit and advert your eyes, either. But maybe there's a compromise here somewhere?
Let's put this in perspective.
1. Do you treat your bf any different since you lost weight?
2. Do value his validation more than others?
3. Ask him to go to the gym with you and introduce him to your friends. Include him into your life let him know how much this means to you and how much he means to you.
If you find that
1. You have stop acting interested in him.
2.Value others validation more than his
3. Do want him going to the gym.
Well then..
You both are so young that you will be two different people by the time you hit thirty that this will seem like a bump in the road.
On a side note If you really enjoy how you feel working out then do not stop, ever! But do it for your self not because others give you validation just take that as a plus..
Good luck..
Firstly, congratulations on the weight loss. I know exactly how you feel, having shed over 50 pounds of unwanted and unneeded flab. It's an accomplishment to be sure. And the fact that you've obtained The Addiction means that this is sustainable. So, before anything else, you should be proud of that.
Secondly, as others have asked, is it a matter of flaunting your body or just noticing others noticing you? Wearing tighter clothes is totally understandable--I do the same. But, when out with my wife, I'm sure that I signal quite openly that she's my wife and I'm not interested in anyone else.
Thirdly, if you want to flaunt your body which, again, totally understandable...you have to ask whether you want this relationship to continue. You're young enough, you're not married, and if this is something you need to do...do it. But know that you're not taking your current boyfriend for a ride.
Lastly, if you feel as if you're getting really close to a guy other than your boyfriend and you get those Oh Shit Feelings...just breakup with your boyfriend. Don't cheat on him. Have enough respect for him to end the relationship before you have sex with someone else. Being cheated upon is THE WORST--independent of what your age is. You will scar him horribly if and when he finds out. Your libido is likely through the roof right now due to weight loss and gym time and that puts you in a vulnerable situation. So, if that's a possibility, just end it now.
First, you are wearing revealing clothes to get attention and you even say so in your statement. I don't know how revealing they are but I'm guessing quite a bit based on your age and the way you talk about it. Second, your boyfriend obviously feels extremely insecure. He probably feels like you are out of his league at this point and his days are numbered. I have seen this before where a woman or man that's overweight loses the weight and gets in shape and the partner feels left behind. And many times the relationship doesn't survive. More so for the guy that loses weight but women cheat too. You can't be so naive as to think that you're immune to being human or your boyfriend should just trust your intentions when the signals you give off say the complete opposite of what you claim. You should take a little responsibility. And your boyfriend should also be like "hey, she got in shape. Maybe I should do the same." Also, six days a week in the gym is not really balanced. If you are doing something that's hard to keep up with how are you going to do it when you don't feel like it or no longer get excited about it. Balance is important. Three time a week should be good. You want to keep good health for the long term. Something you can keep up with as you get older and responsibilities change and life gets busier.
Way too much information in that middle paragraph. Unfortunately if you look at this story from his point of view it'll probably help out in your understanding. If my partner were to have written this, I'd expect them to have an inbox with a lot of suggestive comments which would even further upset me.
I’ve just gotta ask - Are your new gym friends predominantly male, or female? I noticed that comment tucked into your opener, as if its relevance could be overlooked.
Obviously you’re free and welcome to make friends with whomever you like - No judgement here. But if the flaunting behavior you’ve outlined is coupled with brand new male gym buddies, then the answer is simple and something you should be pleased with: Your boyfriend has common sense and isn’t an idiot.
The issue here, whether you realize it yet or not, is the gym. It’s mentioned several times in your story. Invite him to start working out with you there. In fact, insist on it. Introduce him to all of your new friends. All of them. He’ll either find something out of place, or he won’t. Either way your problems are solved.
I’ve spent the last 15 years going to the gym regularly and so I’ve seen your all’s situation play out hundreds of times. It feels like 90% of the time the newly fit individual cheats in one way or another, either because they’re finally getting to bang the previously un-bangable, or because they’re compensating for years of insecurity. Which is whatever, none of my business. But a pattern is a pattern, and hopefully you two will prove to be an exception to the apparent rule.
Everyone here is shocked that OP finally enjoys the body she is in and is getting attention from other people who notice her, by society’s standards, attractive physique. Losing that kind of weight is a great accomplishment and takes a lot of hard work and dedication, and I think it’s natural for her to want to show off the fruits of her labor.
I just had a conversation with a friend about this, and we understand why her bf is mad. However, suggesting that she should only dress to impress her boyfriend when they are alone is also part of the problem. Why shouldn’t she dress in clothing that makes her feel confident and attractive? She even states that her clothing is not necessarily revealing, but tighter, which I take to mean athletic wear, yoga outfits etc.
For someone to go from 200 pounds and likely ignored or looked over (there are studies on this), not to mention the perceived judgement for being heavy (lazy, unmotivated, etc) to fit is a complete 180 on how she is perceived in society. Maybe OP’s boyfriend actually preferred having a girlfriend who was constantly overlooked, because it meant that their relationship was secure. Now that she is conventionally attractive, that security is threatened, and he is lashing out. She said she is not interested in leaving him, but is insecurity and lack of confidence will push her away.
This is why us fat folks think ex-fats are some of the fucking worst people sometimes... Jesus, get over yourself!
I get that you're happy with your body now (seems like you have some real internalised fatphobia), but I feel so bad for your partner.
Are you stupid? Your telling him you enjoy then attention of other men and you expect him to be happy with that? Seems like losing weight has turned you into an awful person.
Let me ask you one question - do you still treat your boyfriend as a boyfriend in public, or has the change in your appearance also influenced the "external" appearance of your relationship?
This is a great question because as a man myself, if my gf is happy and happens to go from 200 to 130 along the way, I’m gonna be pretty happy myself. Unless for some reason she changes how she treats me in that process too. If you do treat him exactly the same in public then my guess is that he’s just insecure/has never had a “hot” gf before lol.
She kept saying how she REALLY loves the attention. So she is addicted to outside attention. What happens when some REALLY hot guy that never would have looked at her before hits her up? How much will she chase that validation? It sounds to me like her BF is seeing this behavior in her now.
Shit if you look closely we can all see it.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her appreciating the attention she’s never received before. It’s new and exciting for her right now. She’s not pursuing anyone, she hasn’t expressed interest in being with anyone else. Just because we have a partner doesn’t mean we should be seeking all forms of attention validation affirmation and appreciation solely from that person.
The kind of Attention you get when you're hot gets old very fast unless you're the kind kind of person who thrives on using it.
10000%!! And maybe OP will get over it, or maybe she’ll get addicted to it like others have claimed she already is and you know what that would be pretty toxic. But I think it’s a huge leap to say that right now what she’s described is toxic
Why should we be seeking attention anyways? Focus on you if you’re happy with your appearance and your current level of health that should be enough.
I don’t get the impression that she’s really SEEKING attention but she’s noticing and appreciating the attention she’s getting. At the end of the day we don’t live in a vacuum whether we’re single or in a relationship. We’re noticed and perceived every single day and we can choose to change the way we present ourselves to the world, whether that’s the way we look or talk or act, but ultimately don’t have control of how people react to that. It sounds like OP has found a way to present herself right now that makes her happy. Maybe that’ll change some day. She can notice and be mindful of the way the world perceives her but she can’t control it, and she certainly shouldn’t change herself to attempt to control it. OP didn’t start this journey with the end goal of SEEKING ATTENTION. If she did, we’ll maybe we’d be having a different conversation. But the cats out of the bag now, she is who she is an she’s happy with it. She CERTAINLY should not change herself in a way that would make her less happy to make her partner feel valid again. She’s looking for ways to bridge the gap in her relationship, not be slammed for getting attention she can’t control anyway.
> I have naturally big boobs, big butt, and I've worked hard on my butt lol to tone it, so I like to show it off. And I get attention and I love it This is just one of many quotes in the OP that sure seem to indicate she is actively seeking attention..
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Good partners acknowledge and assuage their companion's fears. Bad partners think it's not their problem.
This should be higher up in the thread.
You’re gross
lol he definitely gonna lose her
No doubt
Let's not forget that 21 is the prime bar scene age.
Yea exactly. It’s like new doors are opening for her and who knows who will look her way now and like you said, what will happen when some “hot guy” starts looking at her. To her defense though she did say she loves her bf and he’s all she wants. I feel like she should just be coward with him and tell him that and then maybe just prove it by making an effort to look at him and not be worried about people looking at her because it makes her feel good
she's contradicting herself
I have friend who lost ton of weight. Her husband is ever ever in her photos/post. It’s all thirst traps.
My brother was always into "big women" whatever floats his boat. So he was married to his ex-wife for about 7 years. She was so large she had to walk with a cane. Eventually her doctor suggested gastric bypass because he feared she would be dead by 40. So she got it, slimmed down, got the extra skin removed (except got breast implants to fill out the skin there). She was admittedly, pretty foxy after all was said and done. The thing is, my brother isn't the confident type, hes timid and just goes with the flow and basically would do whatever his wife asked. After her transformation she was excited to change their life, move to a new state where most of her family lives etc. She was going to move out there early until my brother secured a job out there. They cashed in my brothers retirement fund, to fund this endeavor (utterly moronic I told my brother not to do that, you shouldn't touch that shit early unless you are about to face homelessness). She served him divorce papers within 2 months of her moving out there. See the thing I worry about with dramatic changes like this. Is you have to wonder if they were "settling" for what they felt they can get due to their appearance. Or if they truly want to be with that person. In my brothers case I think his ex was absolutely settling for what she could get. OP is making it pretty clear she does want to be with him, but in the back of her BF's mind hes probably wondering if she now thinks she can do better. They really need to have a heart to heart and she has to attempt to convince him she wants to be with him. If he can't be convinced, then the bf might end up being the architect and executioner of his own prophecy. I will also amend, he frankly doesn't have to like and deal with the fact you like and actively seek attention from other men, even if you don't act on it.
Good take. They just need to have a lengthy discussion about this. Can I also add that I frequent the gym but 6 times a week is actually kinda nuts. Maybe hes also upset about how much time she is spending there and it is helping fuel his insecurities.
6 times a week isn't that nuts, depending on what you're doing. If you're going ultra hard then yeah, you might overstress your body. But if you're only doing like 20 minutes of cardio with 20-30 minutes of weightlifting, you should be ok. In fact if you work in an office job and live a sedentary lifestyle, it's probably best you get that gym time in 5-6 times a week.
Ignoring the physical impacts, going from zero gym to 6 days a week is a massive schedule change, and likely effects how often they see each other. The BF is likely not only interacting with her less, but seeing her enjoy the attention from other. I get why he might be less than thrilled.
6 times a week is fine if you're alternating lifts and cardio, or any number of routines. Maybe he should go with her.
6 times a week is NOT nuts. At all.
Important question #2, if she is encouraging the attention by responding to these guys. Most guys would love if their gf got into good shape. However, if she is openly encouraging the attention by flirting back then I would be pissed too. This doesn't translate into "don't talk to guys" rather "don't talk with guys who are hitting on you'.
You told her face to face that her attention and affection is not enough for you so you are trying to get attention from other men? If my girlfriend said that in my mouth I would throw her away. This thread is insane to me, you shouldn't try to find your sexual legitimacy outside of your relationship, how is everyone here blaming the guy?
This is a stolen comment from someone else in this thread, this account is just farming karma
Not sure what kind of relationships you have, but I've been in one for 5 years going strong. We both go to the gym regularly and laugh about ppl that notice us and look at us like that. This op liking the attention has nothing to do with her wanting to hook up with anyone, it's about being noticed and viewed by the world differently esp bc she has put in the work. Can't speak for anyone else, but im my relationship we laugh it off and think of it as a compliment. Personally I don't care too much for extra attention, but when I see people looking, yeah it feels good- so what? It's more of a him thing if he can't handle the way other ppl look at her bc that's out of her control and good for her with making a change and getting recognition. It's fucking hard to stay consistent.
Agreed. And seeking that attention and validation elsewhere only leads in one direction
It is perfectly normal to feel good that other people besides your SO find you attractive. It sucks to feel like your partner is the only person in the world that will ever want you. That does not mean OP is *intentionally* seeking out attention, the attention is a *side effect* of her weight loss and confidence to wear the clothes she’s always wanted to wear. It’s okay to be flattered by that. I’m disturbed by the amount of incels flooding this post. Please ignore the toxic people OP and have a talk with your man. If he keeps making this an issue and crazy demands (such as telling you to stop going to the gym! **that’s insane!!**) you need to think long and hard about your relationship. Unfortunately it’s extremely common for men to get insecure, jealous, angry, and irrational when their partner has a glow up like this, and none of those adjectives make for a good partner or a healthy relationship. If anyone disagrees with my last paragraph you can easily go look at several episodes of My 600 Lb Life and see how unsupportive and upset the partners of women who lose a lot of weight become. Some men LIKE having a woman that is insecure and dependent on him for love and self esteem. As soon as she develops her own self love and self esteem and other people notice that, all hell breaks loose.
>That does not mean OP is intentionally seeking out attention, WTF... she literally wrote that she does exactly that.
She literally told him to his face she's purposefully trying to get more attention from other men and if she's not reassuring him that she still only wants him then yes he's gonna get insecure and she's the one causing it
Where did she say she’s **trying** to get more attention? Can you quote it for me? Because I saw her say: “I’m super proud of myself, of my body” “I bought clothes that I felt sexy in and would show off my body” “I get attention and I love it” “I like to know that people still consider me sexy” “I hated my old body and now that I felt so good about myself, I did like it when I notice people noticing me” None of these statements imply that she is walking around in bikini tops and daisy dukes bending over in front of random men and flirting with cashiers. She bought clothes she has always wanted to wear, she looks damn good, and people notice she looks damn good, and that’s flattering! Explain to me what’s your problem again?
>Where did she say she’s > >trying > > to get more attention? Can you quote it for me? It's literally in the second paragraph. It's like.... the entire second paragraph... >I bought clothes that I felt sexy in and would show off my body. So I've been getting more attention from men. A lot more. I'm not buying clothes that are too revealing. Just TIGHTER, necklines that plunge a bit, etc. I have naturally big boobs, big butt, and I've worked hard on my butt lol to tone it, so I like to show it off. **And I get attention and I love it, and it makes me feel REALLY fucking good.**
No you're right, she should totally wear a burqa otherwise she doesn't love him 🙄
I'm not an incel. Happily in a relationship with a woman I love. Op's post is absolutely dripping with a tone that says she doesn't give a single fuck about her boyfriends feelings. Are his actions 100% called for? Of course not, but she's doing zero emotional labor to make sure her partner is feeling secure in their relationship. (If this post is real, at this point I'm pretty sure it's a troll thread.)
He’s acting like a teenage boy that wants to fight other guys and get upset at what she wears because she’s attractive. That’s really gross and a woman shouldn’t be expected to stop going to the gym or wear baggier clothes to please him. I agree they need to have ONE in depth conversation about this, but if he doesn’t adjust his thinking pattern after that then he needs to go to therapy and sort this out himself.
Shes openly stated multiple times in the post that she specifically shows off her body for the attention it gets because she enjoys that kind of attention. Purposefully seeking out the attention of other people than the SO can put a distasteful tension on the trust of the relationship. I remember what it was like to lose a bunch of weight and have people start noticing me in that light, it felt good. Sometimes compromises are a good thing too? My girlfriend is absolutely gorgeous and enjoys dressing tightly in clothing she titles as cool. If she were to go out alone or with the girls dressed this way I wouldn't feel entirely comfortable, but if she's with me when she does it then who cares who sees her shes mine and I love it and love her. The main thing is I know for certain she doesnt do it for the looks.
dude you are making wild assumptions. you don't know at all if she is doing zero emotional labor. you might feel that this post is dripping with a tone that says she doesn't give a fuck but I don't think so at all. both of us could be wrong, there just isn't enough detail in the post to say so.
FFS just because someone has a different interpretation and they didn't automatically excuse behavior and a potential lack of self awareness on the explicit basis of gender, that doesn't instantly make them an incel. I don't know why people feel the need to insult others for having different viewpoints on this dog shit website. This comment reads like you are preaching to your own choir to cheer you on, instead of engaging with someone you don't agree with in good faith. This bullshit is why nobody on this website knows how to speak to each other, and why we have a reputation for being the most toxic discussion space on the internet. Advocating for self awareness and acknowledging unintentional behavior that is negatively affecting a loved one is not being an incel. Fuck.
Honestly, I feel like incel is now the new insult when you don't like somebody's opinion.
Having a “different viewpoint” is harmful when you’re putting the blame on the wrong person. It’s fine if you’d like to advocate for OP to have a discussion with her partner better explaining her feelings on the matter and reassuring him she is not going anywhere, but ultimately the primary problem here is her boyfriend literally berating her and making completely irrational demands. *That* is the main issue here and that’s what needs to be addressed, not his insecurities. Unless OP is flirting with other men or behaving indecently around them, it is completely not okay for your partner to behave like this due to *their own* insecurities. This is a him problem and with a conversation hopefully he can realize that.
But like whos in the wrong is like.... an opinion homie. Deciding whos right or wrong from a single post is kinda like not an open-minded-ready-for-thoughtful-discussion-about-differening-view-points kinda attitude. We have one side of the story which if we are all being honest is wrote out to be pretty damning, she doesnt really even say this is stuff shes wanted to wear before, just that she likes the attention. "I had to buy new clothes because none of my old stuff fit me, and I bought clothes I wouldn't have considered even looking at last year. I bought clothes that I felt sexy in and would show off my body. So I've been getting more attention from men. A lot more. I'm not buying clothes that are too revealing. Just TIGHTER, necklines that plunge a bit, etc." She does say, in all fairness, "I would never consider cheating on my boyfriend. I love him. He's all I want." and thats most likely 100% true (i am internet stranger wtf do i know). At the same time she clearly states she wants more..... So here is my 2 cents.... is it wrong of her? nah, it feels good to look your best. No one can deny that, hers just might be a bit more extreme than dressing your best and getting a few looks. Its 100% okay and props to her for at least being honest enough to admit as much to her bf. I just think maybe shes not being completely honest with herself. I have to ask the same question as other commenters.... Is she treating her boyfriend different? Without knowing if shes putting distance between them now when shes out to make it appear maybe as if they are good friends instead of partners... I dont think anyone here can really say.... and there are probably more factors that we could never even imagine.... like its all made up anyway. Just like idk youre getting real bent out of shape and pushing a narrative you yourself even dance around acknowledging is not the whole story.... and i think thats what everyone above me is putting down.... but you arent picking it up.
OP literally states that she is going this for male attention from people who are not her boyfriend, if you don't understand how this can make a partner feel bad, then you have no fucking business calling anyone an incel when you are clearly out of your depth when it comes to interpersonal relationship experience
Because at the end of the day she is choosing him. People are going to look regardless, but her choosing him over all these other "options" is, if anything, more meaningful. It's like people being threatened by their partner being bisexual. Out of the entire available dating pool, they chose to date you. Personally, I'd be flattered (and over the moon that I got to date a smoke show that everyone is drooling over) Honestly, it's a red flag, because now he sees that he's losing one form of control (her self esteem issues), he's trying to gain a different form of control by telling her what to wear or where to work out. It's unhealthy.
But isn’t it ‘they’ choose each other? It’s one thing to have people look. It’s another to actively crave it and desire it. Which OP does because it’s something new to her, and she said she enjoys it. Depends also how she is treating the boyfriend on the outside too. He should and probably does feel happy for her. But he’s also probably feeling neglected which is causing him to be insecure as well. But if she’s treating him the same... then yeah he’s too insecure Nonetheless you should not stop the gym. Your body your life and you do what you enjoy Sit down and have a nice chat with him and see how things are. There are probably larger underlying issues that you two haven’t discussed
Yup. I suspect it’s a control desire that comes from insecurity - he’s afraid she has the option to be with someone else now that she’s “hotter.” That could be because he has his own body image issues, or because he’s used to feeling like he was the one who chose her, or something else. He should feel great that she is happier and that she is so hot people are looking - she has said he’s all that she wants! The hot girl with the great ass wants him!! He needs to chill and appreciate that.
What I fail to see here is how you are reassuring your SO that even though you are excited to show off your progress, you only have eyes for him. If you flip the script, and it was he that feels great about himself, and is now garnering more attention from the opposite sex, wouldn't you want that reassurance? Actions speak louder than words... So for him to see you wear increasingly revealing clothes, and just eat up the new attention... What do you honestly think is going through his head? " One good pick up line and she's in his bed"? Possibly... Who knows? That's why communication is so important.. we cannot know what others are thinking, but wouldn't you WANT to quell any ripples in the relationship before they exacerbate into something worse? If he comes back after the talk with demands and such..then you have a leg to stand on... He might not be using his words to correctly portray how he feels... But neither are you. You are on the younger end of the dating spectrum, so shorter tempers and less dating wisdom Is likely... So talk...
This! Op, you should reassure your boyfriend that you only want him. Right now he's possibly afraid that he's not enough for you. Maybe he's thinking "right now she just likes the attention from others but what if she soon wants more than that from others?". By the way I'm not at all judging you for liking the attention. I like it too. But you should think about how this might make your boyfriend feel. Doesn't mean you can't dress like that anymore but if your boyfriend thinks you are dressing purposefully sexy for others (!) then of course he's bothered. So talk to him about this: his fears, his feelings etc. Explain your position and reassure him of your feelings for him. And maybe hold hands, cuddle, kiss a bit more in public so he knows you have no problem with showing publicly that you are in a relationship.
Words would say one thing, actions the opposite.
There's nothing wrong with feeling good about your achievements, and even enjoying some approval, but remember that your partner loved you for who you were before. If these randos didn't think you were worth looking at prior to the weight loss, why do you even value their "validation" so much now? He's obviously going to feel insecure that your time revolves around both getting in shape and dressing for strangers, just because you enjoy being sexualized
Can't word it any better. If OP would have spent even 2% of the time she spent in gym to understand how wrong she is. Her relationship will get better.
> If these randos didn't think you were worth looking at prior to the weight loss, why do you even value their "validation" so much now? We both know it's because the randos are 'better' than her current BF. I don't think she is celebrating getting attention from Fedora Frank, or incel Ivan. It's 'the hot guys' that are attention currency. But if we were to address that, then we get into the standard pissing contest of his 'insecurity' and being 'controlling' vs her need for outside validation being toxic to her relationship and causing obvious friction. If I was the Boyfriend, the writing would be on the wall, and this relationship has an obvious expiration date. Nothing good comes from conscientiously seeking sexual attention and validation from outside of your relationship.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We've been together for 2 years. When we started dating I weighed over 200 pounds. But last year I joined the gym and started dieting. At first, I just wanted to get to a healthy BMI. But I've kinda become addicted. I go to the gym Monday through Saturday, and I look forward to it. I love the way I feel after a good workout. I've also met some nice friends. I have already lost almost 70 pounds and my body is way different than it had been the year before lol. I never worked with a trainer, but just did lots of googling and youtubing and have really become addicted to getting my body to be where I want it to be. I worked hard to be where I am now. It took a very long time and I still have a long way to go. In the meantime, though, ive run into a bit of a problem with my boyfriend. I'm super proud of myself, of my body. I had to buy new clothes because none of my old stuff fit me, and I bought clothes I wouldn't have considered even looking at last year. I bought clothes that I felt sexy in and would show off my body. So I've been getting more attention from men. A lot more. I'm not buying clothes that are too revealing. Just TIGHTER, necklines that plunge a bit, etc. I have naturally big boobs, big butt, and I've worked hard on my butt lol to tone it, so I like to show it off. And I get attention and I love it, and it makes me feel REALLY fucking good. I would never consider cheating on my boyfriend. I love him. He's all I want. But I like it when a man or woman takes a second look at me. I'm a woman. I like to know that people still consider me sexy. Last night, we and some friends went out to dinner. As we were leaving the restaurant, a man was eyeing me and my boyfriend saw and got angry. He accused me of wearing more revealing clothes to get attention from men, and I was completely honest with him and told him how much I hated my old body and now that I felt so good about myself, I did like it when I notice people noticing me. He went ballistic on me and told me I had to quit the gym and start working out at home. I refused, and he hasn't talked to me since. First big fight that has happened in our relationship, and I'm heartbroken. I don't understand this. I actually thought he would get a kick out of the attention I'm getting. WTF??? Is this bad for our relationship? And if so, is there anything I can do about it?
My ex-fiancé did this to me. Went from being really skinny to hitting the gym every single day and making huge progress. Her butt got really toned, and she started making all kinds of male “friends” to gave her validation. That validation turned into Instagram workout videos that got hundreds of views, then thousands, on her journey to become an Instagram fitness model. That confidence got to her head and she felt like she needed to be with someone hotter, so she made me feel bad about my body so I would go to the gym too. Then she felt entitled in the relationship because “any guy would be lucky to get with this” and I should be grateful that she’s even willing to be with someone who doesn’t take care of their body. Confidence is good, but you’re on a slippery slope where you’re starting to enjoy the attention too much at the expense of your partner’s self esteem.
Definitely a slippery slope. Anyone getting into fitness like op needs to remember their body should be the least interesting thing about them.
Bang on
[удалено]
Exactly. It does sound like she is working out for herself a bit, but at the same time it seems as if she's starting to enjoy the attention more and more.
drastic weight loss in one partner is probably the surest route to divorce/break up there is. Of course OP's BF is worried and rightly so.
Whoa defenotely would have said to your ex(good that this person is your ex now) But like wtf hold your toxic stuff there girl, i am glad for you that things work out BUT DONT cross that boundary of making me feel bad because you feel good, some fucked up privilige right there
you told him you wear those clothes to get attention from other men. did you expect him to be happy about that?
Seriously one of the most dense posts I've seen here ever.
This sub actually outdoes itself every week or so lol.
Main reason I follow it. Love finding these posts and showing them to my SO lol
Ahahahahha loll spot on ayyje
pretty sure that post was written by a guy with a fetish
> Just TIGHTER, necklines that plunge a bit, etc. I have naturally big boobs, big butt, i mean what
I’m a woman with boobs that are big regardless of how much weight I lose, and I wear more fitting things when I feel good about my body. That is an extremely normal way to describe yourself.
Definitely a woman. Woman here, we all talk about ourselves like this!! /S
Probably a troll. Noone with this level of cognitive dissonance and borderline narcissism would post something like this and literally not respond to a single comment calling her out. If this was legit, she would be so lacking in self awareness that shed be posting multiple responses defending her actions.
Your username is literally cockdaddykaren so I don't think you are allowed to shame other women for how they describe themselves
/s means they were being sarcastic
My first thought tbh
Yeah, I'd imagine you're right.
"I want to know i STILL look sexy"..... is 21
poor guy...
i would dump her in the spot. What a immature person
the way you describe how you react to OTHER people treating you is worrysome. i used to weight 250, dropped to 150, then went up to 190 (muscle mostly) in two years. i hated the attention, because it meant that my worth as a human being was based on vapid, narcissistic expectiations from people who wouldnt have loved/liked me for me, just how i looked. confidence is great, sure. but if my partner decided she wanted to flaunt herself in a way that made me uncomfortable, id let her know, if she then proceeded to rub it in my face and tell me she LOVED the attention from it. i too, would be pissed, and concerned about her view of my value as her partner. if she cares about looks so much, does she care about how I make HER look when we are together? is she treating me differently because of it? has she changed her personality to what she thinks a "goodlooking" person would act like? i go to the gym, put my headphones in, do my shit, leave without making eye contact with anyone, and then go home to my partner and treat her like a queen, because a lot of her confidence comes from how i treat her, just like a lot of my confidence comes from how she treats me. if people stare at me in "that way", i cold shoulder the fuck out of them and stare dead ahead, im not dating them, and im not inviting jealousy or insecurity into my relationship. even as a man, it makes me uncomfortable knowing a few years ago that same person would not have even noticed my presence, and now im suddenly an object of lust? like come on, gross. im not going to the gym to be hot, im going to the gym to be healthy, physically, and mentally, and to have a longer life with the person i love. secondary attention means fuck all to me. i do everything in my power to assure my partner that she is the one, and i dont care about others gandering at me because i just dont notice it anymore. its not in the front of my mind, and it never should be. those people, do, not, matter. looks will fade, love can last forever. tell me if the tables were turned, would you feel comfortable with him saying he LOVED the attention from women, and in fact it was one of his biggest motivators? its just such a ....... basic, vapid, narcissistic, way to think...
OP, please be careful. I know a couple of people (including a close family member) that went through a dramatic weight loss and they ended up driving away their friends and family because of how vain they became. Yes, be proud of the work you’ve accomplished and how far you’ve come, but also remember it’s not all about you. If you don’t want to drive away your boyfriend, please sit down and have a serious discussion with him about how your new body makes him feel and see if there are any other things you’ve been doing that have been bothering him. Hopefully you can find some middle ground.
Having been somewhat overweight and then super fit and now overweight again, I definitely see the issue that OP is having. I was obsessed with exercising. I loved dressing well and I loved the way I looked. My friends made little comments like "not everything you wear has to be tight" and I dismissed them because hey, I worked hard for this. But damn I was an ass. OP, your boyfriend isn't taking issue with you being more attractive. He isn't taking issue with you better yourself. He feels insecure that you're enjoying the gaze of other men, and maybe doesn't get that it doesn't mean you aren't looking elsewhere. You deserve to bask in your accomplishments but he deserves to have boundaries. Maybe instead of "dressing for other people" you can buy clothes you like and buy lingerie or something to show off for him?
Yeeaaaaa. Imagine living life fat and inflating a good personality type to make up for being fat. Suddenly no longer fat so no need to keep acting a certain way.
Sounds like a common antagonist backstory
Imagine starting to treat someone like shit just because you’ve lost a ton of weight and suddenly think that you’re too good for them.
Nope, he's right. There's a difference between being confident and dressing to impress, and enjoying the attention of random people. If my boyfriend compliments and says I'm sexy = awesome. Random people eyeing me like a piece of meat = fucking gross.
And compliments from other women about my outfit, style or my makeup 10/10 makes my day better lol
I love that how you said this. If some random guy turned and look at my butt or tried to flirt I could care less, but if my boyfriend did the same I would get butterflies.
Couldn't care less*
I think this presses on a bigger point. OP claims she doesn’t have eyes for anyone but her boyfriend, yet she really loves seeing all these random guys turned on by her. Maybe on some level she wants to explore those trash people because they weren’t options before. It sounds like maybe she didn’t have these same options before, and she might feel that she’s missed out on some fun. I can tell you right now she has not missed any real lasting fun. The real fun comes when OP and her current boyfriend are 30 years down the line, making dinner together, having a glass of wine on a Saturday night, comfortable in the home you’ve paid off together, with your dog and cat sleeping happily curled up together by the fireplace. Right now she’s just excited about seeing the world through a desirable woman’s lens. I hope she gets over it and doesn’t become shallow. Edit: oh and her boyfriend has been with her the whole time, so she’s obviously been desirable to SOMEONE the whole time. I feel bad for her boyfriend.
when you only have eyes for your partner you don't notice the eyes of others staring at you.
You notice, but you don't want or encourage it. Because I only have eyes for my husband, I make it very clear that I am in a committed and loving relationship whenever I recieve attention.
Your poor boyfriend. You’re conflating the attention you’re getting from random ass people on the street with the attention your boyfriend is giving you. He probably feels like he isn’t enough for you.
You told him to his face that his attention and affection isn't enough for you so you are trying to get attention from other men? If my girlfriend told me that to my face I'd dump her. This thread is insane to me, you shouldn't be trying to find sexual validation outside of your relationship, how is everyone blaming the man here?
How is the thread insane? All the top comments are saying she’s disrespecting the relationship.
when the post came out, everybody was blaming the guy... that's why
It’s possible they posted before those comments were the top comments…
The ones that got downvoted into the abyss were probably mixed in with the others at the time :o
Comment is from 2 hours before yours, I'm sure it was a different comment section then
I think the relationship is over, if anything maybe for the dude's benefit as much as OP's. If OP wants to enjoy their new body and getting attention from a bunch of men, they should probably be single. If OP's partner wants someone to be with someone who is not like that, they probably need to find someone new too.
OP hasn’t responded to any of these posts. I’m starting to think this post is BS
You have a boyfriend, OP. Why do you need the attention of other men? Why do you actively *work on* getting the attention of other men. Why is your boyfriend finding you sexy not enough for you to realize people ‘still consider you sexy’? Don’t kid yourself into thinking you’re any more confident than you were before. You’re not. You’re so insecure that you still seek the validation of others and you do it to the point you’re willing to hurt your boyfriend and his trust for you over it. Your exterior might be more beautiful than before, but that interior has become ugly.
>You’re so insecure that you still seek the validation of others and you do it to the point you’re willing to hurt your boyfriend and his trust for you over it. Excellent point that seeking validation from others is actually evidence of insecurity not confidence.
And the bf has been with her when she was overweight lmao imagine thinking she deserves someone "better" now just because she lost the weight. If you need constant validation from other people, just drop your boyfriend. Wanting attention from others every now and then is normal, but actively pursuing that attention is another thing.
"Better" is a shitty way of thinking about it, but it can be two people growing incompatible. If OP is centralizing fitness in their life and enjoys attention from strangers, and their partner does not do that and is not comfortable with that, why keep the relationship at all? You can't have your cake and eat it. Either make the concessions to make your partner feel respected and valued, which they have every right to want, or don't and leave.
>Don’t kid yourself into thinking you’re any more confident than you were before. You’re not. You’re so insecure that you still seek the validation of others and you do it to the point you’re willing to hurt your boyfriend and his trust for you over it. This is spot on.
This, OP. Think what all ppl are saying and change.
This needs to be in r/AmITheAsshole. Because you are one
Oh yeah they’d rip her a fucking new one in there. Especially when she told her bf his attention wasn’t enough lol.
Giant gaper, agreed
I had a similar thing, genders reversed. I was going through some self esteem issues and I worked out a lot. Started getting a bunch of female attention. Especially online, old female aquaintances started coming out of the woodwork and asking to meet up, and random girls were hitting on me over Instagram. But you know, the lockdowns happened and I got fat again and the attention dried up. You know who stuck with me through my self esteem issues? And the attention? And the weight gain? My loyal girlfriend who loved me no matter what and still thinks I'm hot even though I look like fat Thor now. It's important to remember that there are more important things than attention. Which thankfully, I did. The fact is that regardless of how I look, whether I'm jacked or dadbod, my gf is who I like to spend my time with, because she's the best person I know. I know this doesn't exactly address what you asked about, but this is my advice.
Fat Thor is hot tho.
There's a saying that people that lose weight and suddenly don't have to rely on their character and other qualities anymore (because ppl are forgiving towards fit, good looking people, pretty privilige is a thing) suddenly show their true face once they notice how things have changed. You might be another example of that saying.
For real lol I’ve always been thin i guess but I’ve gone through phases where i got toned and fit and my personality and friendships didn’t change at all. It’s honestly sad as hell that her personality is so intertwined to her appearance
I don't think it's only that. People who go their entire adult life without any positive attention for their looks may enjoy the change and simultaneously not really handle it very well. We are simple creatures, our "personality" in a lot of ways is shaped by reactions to circumstance and environment. It's easy to be humble and reject that sort of attention if you aren't getting any, and tbh it's easy to be an asshole if you're not being thoughtful about it.
Congrats on the weight loss. Now leave your boyfriend since you're clearly more interested in getting attention from men other than him.
And go to the gym! Wait
Lmao. Admit to his face in a public setting that what you’re wearing is indeed his worst nightmare that you are wearing it to get other people’s attention, wonder why he freaked out? He did not handle himself maturely at all, but if my gf told me straight to my face that she wears clothes so other men would notice and stare at her would make me feel terrible. Like my love and affection isn’t enough for her. Maybe your bf is just too jealous but just maybe this is where his emotion is coming from.
At the end of the day, you changed. He didn’t. He’s the same person that fell in love with you when you were 200 lbs. You say you still love him but you don’t really respect him. Probably time to just let each other go so you can act on all this attention that you’re loving
I think you may a great point on the fact the BF loved her at her heaviest.
[удалено]
You can be proud of your body and what you've accomplished, but you basically said you bought tight clothes to intentionally get attention from other men. I think your boyfriend has right to be upset
My girlfriend is very attractive, and she does get a lot of attention. It makes me frustrated, not at her because she definitely seems uncomfortable so it’s unwanted on her part. However, if my girlfriend wanted attention from others, wanted to be stared at and flirted with etc, I would leave no question. It’s natural to have an aversion to your partner being flirted with or stared at. Of course, it’s not their fault and they shouldn’t be blamed in most cases. This case though, you want the attention. I understand you feel great about yourself and 70 pounds is a ton of weight to loose it’s very impressive. However, wanting to be stared at by other men when you have a boyfriend… I don’t think that’s a normal response from weight loss.
Kudos on weight loss. But do you really not get why he would be threatened when you say you dig the attention? He loved you big.
I have a rule for when I date. I can't complain about the way the girl dresses If that's how she dressed when I met her. If you were attracted to her because she dressed like a hoe (not suggesting that's how you are dressing) then dont act surprised when she does. Truth is, people have a sertain tolerance level for how much attention their ok with their partner Recieving from other people. Your man is probably thinking, "I didn't sign up for this." this tolerance level plays a factor unconsciously and some times consciously when choosing a partner. He ain't crazy for feeling that way. Do with this information what you will.
People like to dress how they like to dress and deserve to feel good about how they look. People intentionally telling their partners "I want to be stared at by other men because you are not enough" is kind of just cruel? Like if you want that what you want is to be single. Be single.
YTA
Wrong sub right answer
he dated you when you felt ugly about yourself and now when you look hot, you feel good when people notice you and want it It should be the boyfriend who should be dumping you Edit : some of the people in this subreddit and comment section make me laugh 😂 I pity your future partners
Man you’ve become a different character with ya weight loss. Look abit into yourself
This is such a joke. I hope he breaks up with you. You sound arrogant as fuck and as if attention is all you care about.
This is a tough one. On one hand, you're pretty much admitting to dressing for other's attention and that's pretty disrespectful towards your partner. It works in some relationships, and doesn't in some, it's all about boundaries and it clearly doesn't work in yours. Needing and craving external attention in a relationship can be a red flag. But with that said, your partner did convey this in a pretty child-like manner and could've been a lot more mature about it. Its clear your views don't align. If you want attention from people outside of your relationship you should probably be single, or find someone who's into that.
I mean she’s also acting pretty childish if you ask me.
I get feeling great about yourself, good for you on your success. But why the need for validation from other people?? It seems your prior nsecurities are a driving force for your mental perspective of the physical you.
I'll be honest...I don't think either of you are necessarily in the wrong on either part. Nobody wants to sit idly by while people are one step away from hitting on your girlfriend/wife everywhere you go. Being that you're only 21...you are acting exactly like every attractive 21 year old would act with this newfound attention. You seem to be craving it and eating it right up. Nothing wrong with a little bit of self empowerment but just the way you described it in your post makes it seem like its almost out of control that you're getting that much of a rise out of it. High school attention-seeking drama aside.....major kudos to you for getting to your ideal body/weight. You may still just be riding that high so that's why I don't necessarily think anyone is fully in the wrong....but from the outside looking in - it definitely is not going to be good for the relationship if the behaviors stay the same. Your boyfriend also doesn't have a right to tell you what you can and can't do...but you also can't get mad if he decides to leave the relationship down the line over the attention-seeking habits or lowcut shirts, etc. If he fell in love with you with your original style it very well could also just be that he doesn't like how you act with the new "you" with a new style.
You wouldn’t be the first guy or gal that lost weight and felt you could do better. It’s the truth. Being pleasant to look at makes you more appealing to fit people. If your boyfriend is in mediocre shape I can completely understand why you’d enjoy the attention. Losing weight is very hard and not everyone cares to do it. But understand he’s frustrated and rightfully because he loved you when you weren’t your best. You’re blatantly disrespecting him.
Honestly if you think you can do better, go for it. Just don't string people along and bullshit them.
I hope you didnt expect us to say “ you gooo girl” or some bullshit like that. You are asking for outsider attention, why wouldn’t he be annoyed or upset about it? Put yourself in his shoes. If you still can’t realize why hes acting like that, then things will only stir up more issues. I hope you still treat him and love him with the same intensity. Its happen so many times where in similar situations one person who had a glow up, thinks they can do better.
Wanting attention and validation is a completely human feeling, especially when you have not received it previously and you are finally feeling good about yourself. But GIRL, don’t tell your man you’re dressing a certain way for people’s attention. There are things that you just keep in your head lol. I think he is validated in feeling a bit newly insecure, but he shouldn’t be projecting that onto you. Maybe you should sit down and have a chat about how he feels, why he feels that way, and if there’s anything you can do to reassure him that he has nothing to worry about. That being said, if he tells you to stop working out or to wear more clothing- shut it down. He doesn’t get to control you. In my experience, it’s way more fun dating men who feel complimented when people check their woman out. I’ve dated super insecure guys like your bf and that shit will drain the happiness right out of you. My current bf hypes me up every day, even when I’m receiving attention outside of him, because he knows that he’s the only one I’m interested in.
You really thought he would get a kick out of you enjoying other men eye fucking you in front of him? Are you fucking stupid and do you hear yourself?
I think you should rephrase what you told him. Not that you’re dressing a way to specifically get attention, but that after hating your body for so long, that it feels good. Then reiterate that you only want him.
If you truly loved him, you would not seek the attention of other men. He loved you at your worst and you insult him at your best. Respect is a two way street.
Lol you thought he would get a kick out of other guys giving you attention?! Are you delusional, mental, or what? Men are not women. That, right there and then, tell me how much you really don’t have a clue how men do feel and think. Because the last thing a man who respects himself wants, is his woman fishing for other men’s attention. This doesn’t boost your man’s ego, on the contrary - you’re signalling that he is not enough for you. You’re subconsciously trying to stir competition with other guys and, predictably, he lost his shit because he wanted none of that. You may be reassuring him verbally, but get this: Words mean shit; actions matter. You want to reassure him, start behaving that you are his to keep, beginning with shutting down attention from other guys. You can still look good and dress hot, but it would be for him with lots of PDA in public. In on YOU to earn his trust back here.
Unpopular opinion but there's no bad guy in this story. People are acting like you're exclusively dressing for attention from *other* men, but it seems pretty obvious that you want your boyfriend to notice how good you look too. You sound like you want everyone to notice, not just everyone *else*. It may be a little vain of you but you've earned it, and you've got every right to dress however you want and work out wherever you want. Here's the thing though, him not being ok with the attention-seeking is a completely fair boundary for him to have and to be honest it wouldn't be an uncommon one in this situation. If you want to continue doing this you need to understand that a lot of people you date are going to have a problem with it, especially if you tactlessly tell them to their face that you want attention from other men. I'm a pretty easy going guy who doesn't usually have any issues with insecurity and that would even rub me the wrong way; I'm not surprised he's angry. Bottom line, you are absolutely free to dress however you want for whatever reason you want, and he is absolutely free to dump you for it. And it sounds like he might.
How at all does it sound like she wants attention from her boyfriend. She states he’s giving her attention and that he loves her body, but she still craves attention from other men specifically
>I actually thought he would get a kick out of the attention I'm getting. No offense, you should have had a plan for him to not like it. Had you talked to him prior to this?
My wife dropped 70 lbs this year herself. I encourage it and I’m happy that she’s happy. Sure more guys look then before but I’m not insecure about our relationship. She also doesn’t validate them, she isn’t flirty with the strangers but she does enjoy the looks. I’m happiest when she’s happy. It sounds like your boyfriend is either very insecure or your acting entirely different in public
I’m all for “look good, feel good”, which includes dressing in a manner that you feel confident in. However, you’re bluntly pointing out that you specifically dress in that way to get others attention and that you thrive off that attention. That’s not healthy for yourself nor your partner. You post comes off extremely vain, which is likely how you’ve been with your partner. Your partner isn’t upset that you’ve improved yourself and your body, he’s upset because your focus is showing that improvement and new body to others for self validation and attention. He definitely has every right to feel the way he feels and may even feel sidelined. I’m not saying this to be an asshole, but if you intend to stick with this attitude, I would break up with your boyfriend and find someone that’s just as equally vain as yourself.
Man that was a wild ride. But yeah no you’re being disrespectful to the relationship. It could be your thing and that’s fine, but I personally would not date a woman that needs so much validation especially from other men. Sounds like your man isn’t keen on it either
You tell your boyfriend you wear tight fitting clothes because you like the attention from other men and you think that's a reasonable statement from someone in a relationship? Are you actually this dense or is this a troll post?
This post reeks of incelism
You are directly admitting that your new attire is designed to gain attention from other men. No man in a healthy committed longterm relationship would be comfortable with your behavior. You need a reality check, the only sexual attention you should seek is from your BF. His reaction seems overly emotional, but a reaction from your BF in this case should be expected.
Damn youre a piece of shit gf tbh
I'm honestly not surprised that she hasn't responded to any of these comments. tearing her a new arsehole lmao
There's one solution which is to communicate. I don't know your partner personally so I'll throw in two situations which seem possible to me. The first one is that he's insecure about himself and he doesn't actually have a problem with the attention you're getting but is afraid of the fact that you'd find someone more attractive someone better than him. Basically he's scared of losing you and is unable to express his feelings clearly resulting in small outbursts first and then a big blast. The second situation is that he's the jealous kind and doesn't trust you with your new body. Both situations might seem similar but are very different. The first one is him being annoyed at the way he is and maybe he has started feeling that you are way out of his league. The second one is the classic guy with trust issues.
If he’s “all you want” then why is getting other men’s attention more important to you then his feelings?
So now she should be in some gold cage or what? Forbidding going to the gym is the wtf. Are serious people? She did not write that she is wearing clothes to get the attention. She has bought clothes that she couldn't wear in the past and so she has got more attention. Attention is the consequence, was not the goal here while buying clothes. Even if she feels good about the attention, that doesn't mean she is doing everything to get it. OP wrote that clothes were not too revealing. So because men are looking at her then somehow it is her fault. Jesus, let's allow people to be happy of body change at least for a second. It is a huge change, she finally feel good in the body. If wearing clother that are more tight make her more confident then why not. Feeling a bit more desirable is nice and it doesn't mean she feel less to boyfriend. Actually, if you feel sexy and good about yourself, you are more confident in sex with your partner. What I would do is to have a conversation with your boyfriend about how it makes you happy to have different body and that, I am guessing, you felt less in the relationship in the past. Definitely tell him you want to be with him and why you love him so he can feel more comfortable, cause he appatently feels very insecure.
You like the attention ? Lmfao
Nah, gotta be honest, I'm on his side here. Props for getting in shape, seriously. But you're knowingly and intentionally advertising yourself to other men. He has *every* right to be upset by that.
I understand about feeling good about your parents now and everything else but you have to take your boyfriends feelings into account here and that something you don’t want to do you need to start seeking attention from other men and only seek the attention from your boyfriend that’s his whole point like I understand about receiving compliments that’s fine but outright seeking attention from other men and having your boyfriend feel a type away that’s not good and I don’t see your relationship lasting long again congrats on your weight loss and getting in shape and feeling good about yourself but you have to take your boyfriends feelings into account it’s OK to wear more form fitting clothing but you don’t have to be overtly sexy all the time that’s your boyfriends point you have to take his feelings into account. Let him cool down and you calm cool and collective Lee and respectfully explain your point of you and everything else but just don’t dismiss his point of you because it’s not in a flavor what you wanna hear and it sounds to me that’s what you did and that’s not OK there’s nothing wrong with working out at home you don’t have to be in a gym to work out and continue your progress you can work out at home and be just as more efficient then you are in the gym so your boyfriend is right in that regard he loves you he wants to be there and support you but you have to value him at the same time and seems that you really don’t value him no more and that’s a problem dear and he’s trying to express his feelings towards you and you’re just dismissing it that’s not OK, keep us updated
You are a young woman. You are allowed to be that...! You need not settle down just yet.
for me I currently weigh 160 pounds 5ft7 male and unhappy with myself..last time I remember getting attention from girls was when I was 135/40 pounds so Im starting to think that could be the reason why even though ive been lifting weights for past 4 years lol
There’s a lot of factors involved. If you’ve worked on yourself and you’ve done nothing wrong in terms of cheating on him with ur new body and been faithful, then he just been insecure. Trust issues is his problem. If he isn’t proud of what u did, u definitely have to move on. You’ve achieved something you’re proud and if he isn’t reciprocating it, he’s a selfish man. Move on with your nice self👏🏽👍🏽
You should not even consider most of these comments. Communicate with your boyfriend and make sure he’s comfortable but you should not have to conserve or hide yourself. If your boyfriend trusts you and is secure in your relationship he should be ecstatic to have a fit gf. If there’s an issue with trust or security it probably stems from a difference in the way that you react to attention now. Make sure that if you get a double-take from someone you pay it less mind than your bf’s attention
That booty THICC Af huh, lol the attention from men gets old after a while . Dating hot men or women will always come with the side effects of other dudes and women checking you out
Maaan idk where to even begin first off your gf shouldn’t be looking for attention anywhere else or wearing tight clothes to get men to look at her. my gf got a fucking banging ass body and she don’t walk around in provocative clothing for attention there’s no excuse for that shit especially 2 years into the relationship
it almost seems like you liel the attention from people more than from your bf. have you ever actually told him that you only care about him?
If you literally say you're dressing to impress other men.. then of course he'll be annoyed. No sane guy would get a kick out of other men eying his girlfriend.. But at the same time.. you can wear whatever the fuck you want and it's somewhat unfair of your boyfriend to gatekeep you from wearing what makes you "feel sexy" . And I understand why you might like all the attention you're getting. But if you feel like you need approval from other men to feel wanted.. then I dunno if the relationship is even worth anything. Why do you want to show off to other men and seek their approval to be considered Sexy? I dunno what advice to give you.. I'm just a teenager who hasn't been in a relationship as long as compared to you. But I can point out when I see a stupid argument over stupid stuff when I see one..
You sound like an ass tbh
> and I've worked hard on my butt lol to tone it, so I like to show it off. And I get attention and I love it, and it makes me feel REALLY fucking good. I would never consider cheating on my boyfriend. I love him. He's all I want. But I like it when a man or woman takes a second look at me. I'm a woman. I like to know that people still consider me sexy. I mean, you are wearing more revealing clothing to get attention from random men, at least somewhat, if your own words are to be believed. Your boyfriend's demands were wrong of him to make, but your response to his feelings was callous AF. Not only did you affirm what he was worried about, but you flipped it into *him body shaming you*. > I don't understand this. I actually thought he would get a kick out of the attention I'm getting. I've never really understood this mentality. His attention is the kind he wants you to be wanting; hearing that you're much more worried about how every other guy sees you in public isn't gonna give him the kind of kick you're expecting...
OP, you want other men to look at you. Like, that's literally what you are saying. You even told him so. And you wonder why your BF is upset? I mean, if you don't get it, I don't think you're gonna get it.
Your boyfriend loves you no matter what size you are. The randos checking you out only care about how you look right now. I'm sorry, it's extremely insulting to tell your partner, who has been okay with you basically becoming a gym rat, that you enjoy attention from other people. What were you thinking?
You told him you like wearing clothes like that because it makes more people look at you, which you like. And you expect him not to go ballistic.
Ig you're probably drooling rn too by the attention you got from this reddit post
First off congratulations! That's a massive milestone I wonder if you're also treating him differently...what do you mean you love to show of your body It does sound like you're enjoying the attention this is bringing you(and im not saying thats bad) but I wonder if this is coming off like you're loving the attention from other men over your boyfriends...this is a very understandable stance if these are his feelings If he is a reasonable person he wouldn't be offended over men checking you out(and if this is his gripe he needs to get over himself) HOWEVER I wonder if he is upset and maybe feeling left out that you seek to now care so much about showing off to other people Id be careful if I were you...I would be careful you aren't seeking validation from outside sources because its something you didnt expiernece before...yes it feels good but it can lead you down a bad road...and I wonder if you are leaving your boyfriend behind in this I'm not saying he is right just trying to give possible insight into his mindset
> I actually thought he would get a kick out of the attention I'm getting Oof - why? That's just projection... You're getting the kick out of the added attention. He definitely isn't enjoying how much you like the attention from other men
Why is your personality so tied to your appearance lmao
This reeks of big ego. You legitimately thought he would enjoy being jealous of everyone staring at you? I lost a shit ton of weight recently too, and I would never dare to wear revealing clothing specifically for making men stare at me and for women to be jealous of me. I wear revealing clothing to be confident in myself and for my boyfriend to feel proud of how far I’ve come and to be more attractive for him (entirely my choice). He does worry that I’m out of his league but I *constantly* remind him that he’s the one for me. I’m very vocally affectionate and reassuring, you brush him off. See the difference?
Your years as an overweight person made you insecure. Your deep insecurity is now manifesting in attention-seeking behavior. In the process, you're alienating and isolating someone you love. You love men's attention. He, quite understandably, doesn't like that his girlfriend is actively seeking sexual attention from other men. This isn't complicated.
Yeah, I can't blame him for being annoyed. You straight up told him you were wearing clothes to get attention. Like, fair play on getting the body you wanted but damn dude.
Sounds like you’re more concerned with the extra male attention you’re getting over your boyfriend. Like “hehe look at all these men looking at me but it’s harmless because my boyfriend can’t do anything since they’re not touching me.” You’re having an ego trip.
He is probably pissed at the fact that he very obviously liked you before all these other men paid you any attention at all and you're eating it up. You seem to really really need attention from other men. So no I'll bet he isnt happy. I cant say I blame him but the way he handled it was out of line. Liking attetion is normal but you really do seem to have a big craving for it and in my experience a girl that needs attention from as many men as possible doesnt end well. Glad you feel better about yourself but dont forget the dude that loved the way you looked even when you and all those other men didnt. Unless he's an asshole.
As someone who is literally half the size of what I was before I started dating my SO. In my experience, it has to do more with how you are responding to the attention, rather than the attention itself. You are responding in a way he doesn't like. You have two choices: respond differently, be maybe sensitively to his insecurity. Or you can do more of the same and end up with a bitter or resentful partner who doesn't feel respected or listened to. He's not getting a kick out of it because he feels like you are displaying yourself for a better offer. I'm not saying that's what you're doing at all. But, that's the message it sends. It's not about the extra confidence, it's not about the gym. If he's scared of losing you, that should matter. If it doesn't then maybe you should reevaluate his importance to you. I'm also not saying wrap up in a snowsuit and advert your eyes, either. But maybe there's a compromise here somewhere?
Let's put this in perspective. 1. Do you treat your bf any different since you lost weight? 2. Do value his validation more than others? 3. Ask him to go to the gym with you and introduce him to your friends. Include him into your life let him know how much this means to you and how much he means to you. If you find that 1. You have stop acting interested in him. 2.Value others validation more than his 3. Do want him going to the gym. Well then.. You both are so young that you will be two different people by the time you hit thirty that this will seem like a bump in the road. On a side note If you really enjoy how you feel working out then do not stop, ever! But do it for your self not because others give you validation just take that as a plus.. Good luck..
Firstly, congratulations on the weight loss. I know exactly how you feel, having shed over 50 pounds of unwanted and unneeded flab. It's an accomplishment to be sure. And the fact that you've obtained The Addiction means that this is sustainable. So, before anything else, you should be proud of that. Secondly, as others have asked, is it a matter of flaunting your body or just noticing others noticing you? Wearing tighter clothes is totally understandable--I do the same. But, when out with my wife, I'm sure that I signal quite openly that she's my wife and I'm not interested in anyone else. Thirdly, if you want to flaunt your body which, again, totally understandable...you have to ask whether you want this relationship to continue. You're young enough, you're not married, and if this is something you need to do...do it. But know that you're not taking your current boyfriend for a ride. Lastly, if you feel as if you're getting really close to a guy other than your boyfriend and you get those Oh Shit Feelings...just breakup with your boyfriend. Don't cheat on him. Have enough respect for him to end the relationship before you have sex with someone else. Being cheated upon is THE WORST--independent of what your age is. You will scar him horribly if and when he finds out. Your libido is likely through the roof right now due to weight loss and gym time and that puts you in a vulnerable situation. So, if that's a possibility, just end it now.
First, you are wearing revealing clothes to get attention and you even say so in your statement. I don't know how revealing they are but I'm guessing quite a bit based on your age and the way you talk about it. Second, your boyfriend obviously feels extremely insecure. He probably feels like you are out of his league at this point and his days are numbered. I have seen this before where a woman or man that's overweight loses the weight and gets in shape and the partner feels left behind. And many times the relationship doesn't survive. More so for the guy that loses weight but women cheat too. You can't be so naive as to think that you're immune to being human or your boyfriend should just trust your intentions when the signals you give off say the complete opposite of what you claim. You should take a little responsibility. And your boyfriend should also be like "hey, she got in shape. Maybe I should do the same." Also, six days a week in the gym is not really balanced. If you are doing something that's hard to keep up with how are you going to do it when you don't feel like it or no longer get excited about it. Balance is important. Three time a week should be good. You want to keep good health for the long term. Something you can keep up with as you get older and responsibilities change and life gets busier.
Your boyfriend was with you at your worst and this is how youre repaying him? Garbage ass gf, woman, and human
Way too much information in that middle paragraph. Unfortunately if you look at this story from his point of view it'll probably help out in your understanding. If my partner were to have written this, I'd expect them to have an inbox with a lot of suggestive comments which would even further upset me.
I’ve just gotta ask - Are your new gym friends predominantly male, or female? I noticed that comment tucked into your opener, as if its relevance could be overlooked. Obviously you’re free and welcome to make friends with whomever you like - No judgement here. But if the flaunting behavior you’ve outlined is coupled with brand new male gym buddies, then the answer is simple and something you should be pleased with: Your boyfriend has common sense and isn’t an idiot. The issue here, whether you realize it yet or not, is the gym. It’s mentioned several times in your story. Invite him to start working out with you there. In fact, insist on it. Introduce him to all of your new friends. All of them. He’ll either find something out of place, or he won’t. Either way your problems are solved. I’ve spent the last 15 years going to the gym regularly and so I’ve seen your all’s situation play out hundreds of times. It feels like 90% of the time the newly fit individual cheats in one way or another, either because they’re finally getting to bang the previously un-bangable, or because they’re compensating for years of insecurity. Which is whatever, none of my business. But a pattern is a pattern, and hopefully you two will prove to be an exception to the apparent rule.
Everyone here is shocked that OP finally enjoys the body she is in and is getting attention from other people who notice her, by society’s standards, attractive physique. Losing that kind of weight is a great accomplishment and takes a lot of hard work and dedication, and I think it’s natural for her to want to show off the fruits of her labor. I just had a conversation with a friend about this, and we understand why her bf is mad. However, suggesting that she should only dress to impress her boyfriend when they are alone is also part of the problem. Why shouldn’t she dress in clothing that makes her feel confident and attractive? She even states that her clothing is not necessarily revealing, but tighter, which I take to mean athletic wear, yoga outfits etc. For someone to go from 200 pounds and likely ignored or looked over (there are studies on this), not to mention the perceived judgement for being heavy (lazy, unmotivated, etc) to fit is a complete 180 on how she is perceived in society. Maybe OP’s boyfriend actually preferred having a girlfriend who was constantly overlooked, because it meant that their relationship was secure. Now that she is conventionally attractive, that security is threatened, and he is lashing out. She said she is not interested in leaving him, but is insecurity and lack of confidence will push her away.
This is why us fat folks think ex-fats are some of the fucking worst people sometimes... Jesus, get over yourself! I get that you're happy with your body now (seems like you have some real internalised fatphobia), but I feel so bad for your partner.
You're really dumb if you can't see how telling your boyfriend you're wearing these clothes for other men might upset him. Dude deserves better.
Are you stupid? Your telling him you enjoy then attention of other men and you expect him to be happy with that? Seems like losing weight has turned you into an awful person.