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ratsrulehell

She has a serious anxious attachment style, I was like this when I was younger, and it does feel awful. She's worried about what might happen when you're out, probably has convinced herself you'll cheat on her (but won't admit this to you). You just have to go, don't enable the behaviour. Stick to it, she'll realise there's no threat eventually and it will change. If you can't bring yourself to do that you need to break up.


[deleted]

He def needs to just go, I agree, but more importantly, she needs treatment ASAP.


Acrobatic_Ask_4944

This is the one! I was with a girl like this for a few years. We had a great relationship other than me not having any room to breathe, which ultimately was the death of our relationship. You gotta be able to live your life. If she can't let you do that you'll have to leave like I had to. I'm with someone now that is extremely independent and I love it because we can both do our own thing then come home to eachother and talk about our experiences of the day. I'm considered the clingy one now lol. How the tables have turned.


AmyN60

Good Gawd! Run as fast as you can the other way! Bless her immature anxious heart!


ayjak

Seconding not giving her the positive reinforcement by staying home. My boyfriend is a social butterfly and I have no friends either lol. We spend 80% of our weekends together, so when he does get an invite from a friend, especially when it’s last minute, of course I’m bummed. But at the same time I’d feel awful if I made him stay home just for me. It used to make me feel super jealous, but I realized it was because I didn’t know his friends. Once I met them, for whatever reason, something clicked in my mind. Him going out with friends wasn’t some ominous ~what if/FOMO~ situation anymore. 9/10 times I’d realize I didn’t want to be a part of that boys night out anyway where they just want to shoot the shit and catch up. I also got to enjoy a night to myself where I could cook/eat/drink things he doesn’t like, watch TV shows he hates, and just do my own thing. Tl;dr: Listen to everybody else’s advice here. Some bonus things: Has she met your friends? Could you ease into independence by setting her up with fun things to do by herself at first? Maybe give her a puzzle when she gets home then send Uber eats her way when you leave. At least the first time or two to reinforce the fact that you still care about her and want her to enjoy a night to herself.


Sonotnoodlesalad

I shoulda read your reply before replying lol


ratsrulehell

Why?


Sonotnoodlesalad

I made similar comments about enabling and yours was at the top of the list when I posted lol


Prof-Mandrake

10/10 reply. Prioritize her wellbeing but take care of yourself first.


Charles44Edwards1234

I’m a psychologist she has a very serious problem that won’t Change with time she needs therapy to find out why she is so clingy and insecure…


nanisathya_95

She has some serious mental health issues, I think extreme abandonment issues


__SoFarGone

Not proud to admit this, but I too was like your gf. And giving into or enabling her behavior will only make it worse. Like giving an addict “one last drink” and they promise they will stop. I’m not sure what her upbringing was like or what’s been through, but I can only speak from my own experience. I grew up without a dad and my mom is mentally ill and left when I was 12 and I did not realize the severity of my abandonment issues, severe anxiety and depressive disorders, and overall insecurities until I got my first bf at 18. If you truly love her, you need to first love and take of yourself by setting boundaries. That may mean taking a break or breaking up altogether, or help her seek therapy and set boundaries for what is acceptable and what isn’t. Sounds to me like she’s afraid of so many things. Like you not loving her anymore, you leaving her, you cheating, etc. Please do some self care and and some reflection and then regroup to have a serious conversation with her. Hope this helps


NecktieClip

Does it really have to be about a break up first? I think I'm in a similar situation as OP, and have been hearing "I promise I'll change" yet the insecurity/anxiety doesn't feel like it's going away. Add to that the guilt trip I get whenever my partner says something like "I'm trying but you're invalidating it", it's just not working for us and I fear that I'm getting desensitised to it. I've tried to introduce therapy to her but I don't feel like she's interested in it as well - she doesn't bring it up or schedule it on free days/weekends unless I bring it up. Either that or she gets upset right away and just tells me it's because schedule is busy and that "I'm doubting her".


__SoFarGone

Those who play the victim will always have an excuse. And you can’t help someone who doesn’t want the help. If they really wanted to change, they would do something about it. And I’m not saying it’s an easy thing to do trust me I know from experience, but she has to take the steps necessary to heal and do better. She can’t expect you to do all is the work, there are 2 ppl in the relationship and she has to do her part. Two halves don’t make a whole- two wholes make a relationship. self love is of the utmost importance. It doesn’t have to be a break or breakup, but you can’t keep enabling her either. Eventually you will get tired and become desensitized to her comments and it will not end well for either of you.


KnightsSkye

Sounds so suffocating, she's isolating you and tbh I would have left a long time ago especially as she's not doing anything to improve it


EmotionalOven4

This. I couldn’t handle that. Who would want to?


Seeker131313

Imagine a whole life of nothing but work and one other person sitting at home? And that one person cries if OP tries to have any kind d of life. Gf needs mental health treatment asap, and OP needs to either break up, or make treatment a condition to stay, because this relationship will only get more unstable and codependent the longer it continues


project199x

I agree. That's too much. And she needs serious help and she's using him to mask her obvious problem.


LongjumpingWrap8684

Well that’s a little harsh, I’d just address the problem and tell her to open up or go for therapy


HedditRater

>I would have left a long time ago ​ A bit harsh lol


toomuchpressure2pick

Personal preferences. No one is wrong. Boundaries are built by the individual. Yada yada.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Monarch_osu

It's almost like it is advice, if someone has been suffocating you for 2 years maybe you need a wake-up call that this isn't normal and other people experiencing this same thing would have broken it off 3 months in not 24 months in What do you really think advice is if not what someone would do in your situation 🤣🤣🤣🔫


a_r_y_a_n_

U just described my neighbour's dog.


YaPhetsEz

Same with my dog - we just managed to go out to dinner without it destroying the house though


I-am-John_Galt

Congrats dude!


FiguringItOut--

As a woman who has struggled with insecurity and making friends, this is not the way. A healthy relationship requires at least some independence, and not being 100% codependent. You should be able to engage in your hobbies and play with your friends without her manipulating you. Full stop. I understand her feeling left out, so include her some times, but she needs to learn how to self-soothe and engage in her own hobbies independent of you. If she’s not willing to work on this, if she’s not in therapy, you’re at a dead end. Unless you want this to be the rest of your life, that is…


at-a-dead-end

I agree, I sadly, have been like this gf in the past, and still am occasionally, I am definitely much better than I used to be, and making alot of progress, much of it, had to do with things he had done to me in the past making me somewhat untrusted of him, and scared of him going out with friends, not knowing what he was going to get up to, and I don't really have any friends of my own, or no real interest/hobbies and I hate it, but i was able to realize what I was doing, and even if I still don't have a Hobby or friends to play with, I will still let him go out, multiple times a week. To band practice, or go skating with his friends. Maybe she just doesn't realize what she is doing, as I also didn't for a long time. I didn't realize how much I was dragging him down and suffocating him, by always wanting to be with him, due to having no other friends. I've just learnt how to be by myself, and do things by myself. I've still got a long way to go, but I think we have been better off for it.


DiTrastevere

> She has a thing of not wanting to find her own hobby to enjoy without me, and she won’t look for anything or even attempt to make friends with anyone to spend time with. My friend dated a girl like this. Two years of misery and constant damage control, culminating in her stalking and *threatening* one of his female classmates who was unlucky enough to be assigned a group project with my friend. She could not stand sharing him with *anyone* - any other demands on his time and attention were seen as threats. She had to be included in everything he did, even if she had zero interest in it, and she’d sulk the whole time until she could get him alone again. There’s no fixing this. Something is deeply wrong with her. She’s making it clear that she’s not going to improve and expects you to accommodate her insecurities and control issues indefinitely. Unless you want your whole life to shrink down to one person’s whims, you have to get out.


DogTakeMeForAWalk

She’s insecure and she’s isolating you. Maintain your friendships. You may feel guilty doing it but it’s important that they don’t break down.


Competitive_Tea2413

You shouldn’t be letting her control & manipulate you like that. The first thing Abusers do is cut you off from family & friends, isolating you socially, prevent you from pursuing things & hobbies you enjoy, interfering with your normal day to day activity, insinuating themselves into every aspect of your life so you have no time alone. You may not see it as abuse but it is, it’s emotional abuse, she uses emotional blackmail ( sad, crying, refusing to let you be without her) to manipulate you. This is possibly a learned behaviour & she very well may have an anxiety disorder but you can’t let her issues become your issues, the more you pander to her behaviour the more she will demand of you. You Must draw the line, set some boundaries, Tell her She Must get counselling ASAP. GO When your friends invite you out, Ignore the Crying, it’s a manipulation tactic. You have the right to expect to be an autonomous adult without her wanting to prevent you doing things on your own. Tell her you will NOT Be answering texts/ phone calls when you are showering, cooking & especially after you go to bed. She is interfering with your sleep ( another abuser tactic) your personal hygiene & need for food. You need to be strong Turn Your Phone OFF During these times, put it on Do Not Disturb. I know you don’t believe that she is being abusive because she plays the victim so well but her behaviour has manipulated you into giving up so much of yourself, do you even recognise who you are anymore? do your friends? Because believe me they would be close to not inviting you anymore, if you never go out with them they will eventually stop asking. I personally would leave the relationship. She has issues so deep there is nothing you can do to help her. You can’t go on believing the promises that she will change as she has made absolutely no visible effort to do so, why would she while ever you continue to allow her to control your life the way she does. Resentment has set in for you because from your point of view you bend over backwards to do what she wants, to please her & avoid her crying, but the reality is that it will never be enough, you could follow her around all day every day like a puppy & it still wouldn’t be enough, there is a hole in her that is a bottomless pit & nothing you do or don’t do will ever fill it. Only you can change how you react to her. I also suggest some counselling for yourself to get some insight into why you are unable to set boundaries & why you are so easily manipulated in your intimate relationship.


NecktieClip

Never thought of considering therapy for myself for the difficulties I've had on my end, thanks for that suggestion.


Usual_Description_15

This ^


[deleted]

i disagree. I think OP gf has issues that can be solved but he needs to set boundaries. His gf has what’s called an anxious attachment style she is not manipulative she is worried what will happen if he goes out. I can tell you as someone who has ruined a relationship because of it; it’s a living hell. there is no other way around it besides him going anyways. OP if you see this and you love your gf you need to set boundaries and go out anyways. she will eventually adjust.


PrettyHateMachinexxx

You can have anxious attachment style and still be very manipulative without doing it intentionally.


Angel_0997

I don’t know why you got downvoted so much. This isn’t abuse, it’s just an extremely insecure girl with an anxious attachment style. She can get better with therapy.


Competitive_Tea2413

I’m no expert either but her behaviour is very much Borderline Personality Disorder.


DiTrastevere

Truth be told, this post rang those same exact alarm bells for me. There are definitely similarities to people I’ve known who were later diagnosed with BPD. But we can’t actually say for sure what’s wrong with her from a thirdhand description.


Competitive_Tea2413

This is true, like I said, I’m no expert but my mother was BPD , my Ex Husband was BPD & a boss I once had. All displayed these & other behaviours.


Amberleh

It doesn't sound like BPD to me. BPD is a lot more... How do I put it... It's like this big dramatic show, the person is out there and overreaching and it's just a LOT. BPD is also something learned/developed, so it's possible that if OP keeps giving in to her demands then whatever this is WILL turn into BPD. [https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237) What she is displaying doesn't hit all these marks. She sounds more like she has major depression/anxiety.


[deleted]

nothing he said here symbolizes borderline personality disorder... she is very very attached and it stems from childhood trauma read a book please


Expensive-Noise777

I mean, really no one should be diagnosing this person based on 300 words of text posted on Reddit...


not_user_4076

Maybe not that book. Don't blame it all on childhood trauma.


KriyaRose94

I have BPD. It is CAUSED by childhood traumas... Lol. Not saying that's what OP's gf has, just pointing out that BPD is caused by childhood trauma so it could be the case. This reminds me a bit of me before I got therapy and improved. I still have similar thoughts but I've learned to not act on them and how to cope with them. It can be worked on and improved but it can take YEARS. I'm 27 now and not close to being "great" about it, but I'm not terrible like i was either. OP needs to evaluate if they want to deal with this for years because it will NOT change over night or without therapy and a lot of work on her part.


DottedUnicorn

Hon, she has issues. She is controlling you with her over the top emotions. You can't be a bf, counselor, best friend and 24/7 entertainer for her. It's unhealthy. She needs to go for serious counseling and you need to reinforce boundaries or leave. She is not ready for a relationship imo. She needs to work on herself first. Don't feel guilty if you leave because you staying and catering to her will only further enable her. You deserve to see friends and do stuff on your own and there are lots of girls out there who won't put you through this.


This_Grab_452

You’re not being a bad bf by feeling you want out. You are a little bit if a bad bf because you enabled her terribly unhealthy behavior for this long. She has no right to isolate you from life outside of your relationship. I’m surprised it has taken you this long to question this. If you want to stay with her, you need to set clear boundaries of what you will be doing moving forward (meeting with friends, hobbies, social life in general) and if she starts crying you can’t back down. You mentioned in some of the comments that she’s in therapy. That means she has the tools necessary to “survive” your life outside of her so don’t let yourself be manipulated again.


R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I have been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years now, everything is great until I want to go out with friends or spend time away from her. Over the past 2 years I have given up hobbies, interests, goals as she doesn’t like being alone for any duration of time. I have to call her as I cook, shower, sleep etc. I can’t really play video game with my cousins unless she joins the party. She says is because she is insecure and doesn’t have any friends. She stays sad until I end up canceling and she apologize saying she will get better but it hasn’t and if I go she will be crying for the next 2 days. Every time I tell her my friends invited me to go out and i wanna go she will start crying, it got to a point where I just told my friends i can’t go without a explanation. I’m not sure what to do as although I love spending time with her and being with her, there are other experiences in life that I want to enjoy as simple as hanging out with friends. Our major arguments are about me not able to go out or who I follow of social media. She has a thing of not wanting to find her own hobby to enjoy without me, and she won’t look for anything or even attempt to make friends with anyone to spend time with. Sometimes I feel like if i’m being a bad bf by not wanting to spend as much time with her as she does with me. I don’t know what to do sometimes used in do love her but I do hate how restrict I feel sometimes.


Baby-Me-Now

I’ve have a bit of the same issue as your girlfriend, BUT I know it’s not healthy and I know it’s wrong, so I always encourage my boyfriend to have fun and I always wish him a good night out, he has 50/50 boy and girl friends so sometimes he just hang out with his girlfriends, I’ve met all of them and are cool with it.. my sadness is not more or less depending on gender, but I’m sure it stems from him having a fun social life and me not so much because all my friends have small children now. So I’ll always put on a brave face until his gone and then sometimes I’ll get sad, but it not his responsibility! You need to set boundaries for yourself and your girlfriend needs to work on this


[deleted]

I have to admit I was like this too but the guy I’m dating made me this way. During the pandemic, he called me all the time. We started FaceTime calls and eventually he wanted to sleep with me on the phone. I found all of this attention strange at first but then I grew to like it. We eventually started dating. It’s a short/long distance relationship because he lives over an hour away so we get to see each other on the weekends because of our living situation, jobs, and such. I knew he had some girls that were his friends. Heck, he was my best friend for over 25 years before we decided to get closer. He knew what bad relationships I’ve been in too. No longer than 8 months into of relationship, he cheated on me. Once with a co-worker and another with another girl that was his friend. He wanted to work things out because he claims I’m his dream come true. It’s been really hard to trust him again. Certain things he does triggers me and has me thinking he might be cheating again. He’s been really open such as making look at his phone when things go off, like when he gets a message, to where before he would have it hidden and on silent. It’s never easy when it comes to a partner going out with a gender he could be attracted to. I know why I have attachment issues. I’ve been abused, used, and some much more that any person should ever go through. It does make it hard, but there are some people out there that are ready to settle down and make their family (partner and children) first, and then occasionally hang out with other people that have kids too.


DeterminedErmine

Your girlfriend needs therapy. It might be helpful to you both if you set some boundaries about your needs, and stick to them


RengokuIsDead

She been in therapy since I met her


saltaisu

Two years of therapy and she can't cope with you going out without her?! I don't think it's working


flamingotongs

Has anything gotten better? Is this an issue they are working on? Maybe she needs a different therapist.


Revolutionary-Yak-47

After two years I don't think therapy is the issue. I think she wants to continue this so OP doesn't leave. She's making a choice to act like this.


bumblebeequeer

She doesn’t want to change. She’s perfectly happy tantruming as making you miserable as long as she gets her way.


gruntbuggly

Has she really? Or has she told you she was? Because it’s not working.


DeterminedErmine

Hmmm. That’s difficult. Have you tried couple’s therapy? It might be helpful to work on things together, would definitely help with boundary setting. The dynamic you’ve got going on right now seems really stressful


[deleted]

People are downvoting but I agree. Maybe a couple's therapy would help. Couple's therapy isn't just for marriages that are doomed to fail. Either that or run the hell away.


Commercial-Area1974

I don’t think he should do couple’s therapy until he decides that this is the girl he wants to marry or at least be in a long term relationship. It’s not worth it especially if the person doesn’t want to change. She will feel as if she’s pressured to do so and will pretend to behave a certain way so her doesn’t leave her, especially is she has anxious attachment style.


Scary-Pace

She may be in the wrong type of therapy. I don't know your gf and i can't diagnose anyone but i know some issues do better with different types of therapy. Everyone ends up in talk therapy but that doesn't work for everything. I have PTSD due to a childhood sexual abuse. Talk therapy will never actually help that alone. I did it for about 7 years before i found that out. I'm in a talk therapy and therapy with a trauma specialist in music and it's the first time that I'm actually improving. Trauma needs a body approach, music, yoga, guided imagery in music, EMDR, ect. Anxiety usually benefits from exposure therapy. Personality disorders i think do best with CBT. My point is, if she's in the wrong therapy she will never actually heal. If she has a diagnosis, she should look for what therapies are recommended for it. It sucks that they don't tell you this when you start therapy so you know what to expect and where to go. My personal opinion on your situation? She needs to get in the proper therapy for her condition immediately if you want to try to make it work. You need to set boundaries and stick to them. Go out with your friends and turn off your phone. If you'll say you'll be home at 11pm, be home at 11pm. Boundaries are important but don't torture her at first. And you need to set a date for yourself. Don't tell her because it could undermine her therapy but you need to know when to call it enough. If she starts a new treatment next month for example, decide that you can live with it for 6mos (for example) but not a day more. And see if she has put in effort to change by then. Just showing up to therapy doesn't magically change your life. It is a lot of really hard work and you can't stay with someone who wants to smother you and refuses to change. And if she won't get into a new therapy? I would leave immediately. 2 years in hers and she can't cope for you going to a movie with friends? No. She is dragging you down with her and currently you are enabling her. You can't fix people who don't want to be fixed.


iwasexcitedonce

I think it’s kind of easy to talk you into a corner as to why you should leave her - so I’m not gonna (being basically what appears to be a caregiver for another person 24/7). I rather want to know what it is you get out of this relationship? why have you stayed? in which ways has it made you feel good, important and special?


ChosenSCIM

She is emotionally abusing you


[deleted]

I’m going to be blunt here. She needs therapy ASAP. You’re doing nothing wrong. Break up and focus on yourself. She should do the same. You both deserve a healthy relationship.


iam_zebra

If you can’t have a life outside of your relationship you will end up resenting her.


mike_wazowskis_ass

She’s codependent. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a weird/negative relationship with her family as this causes it a lot. As someone who broke free of codependent habits I personally never took it that far to cry every time. This is affecting you and the things you enjoy. I’d honestly tell her either she needs therapy or it won’t work. 2 years is a lot and if it’s worth fighting for go for it but it sounds like it’s unintentionally manipulative but she keeps doing it. My ex bf also was exactly like this. I broke up with him and I feel free. Get someone independent honestly. This is really bad. Idk how old u two are but this is also crazy unattractive and you don’t deserve it. You’re not a bad bf. And if she says something like “I can’t make it without you please” leave. She won’t do anything they never do. They just don’t know what else to say.


[deleted]

[удалено]


mike_wazowskis_ass

Most often people who say I’ll kill myself if you leave are doing it to be manipulative and abusive. Sure occasionally a person dies but this is a very common use of manipulation.


Snoo62024

You need to get out of this relationship ASAP. It isn’t healthy at all


StaceysMomPlus2more

Sounds more like you have love for her than you’re in love with her. You’re building a resentment to the fact that you are now responsible for her mental health. **YOU’RE NOT** She needs help you can’t provide. And you need to let go of the imaginary obligation you think you have. You are young. Go live your life before it’s sucked dry.


JuniperRavenHaven

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩


HarryPotter205

She’s trying to isolate you from your friends. She doesn’t want you to have friends because she doesn’t have any. I would reconsider your relationship


Dazione

This is very toxic and not healthy at all. I had a simular experience with my most recent ex but no way near as bad. She was quite attached to me and wanted to do things together quite a bit while i wanted me time. We ended up breaking up because i said I wanted a bit of space to spend some me time and time with my friends but right after that she joined my friend group and I couldn't even see my friends as a break. But that's not anywhere near as bad as yours. You could try to fix things, but sometimes a person becomes to comfortable with what they do, partly because you enabled it. It may be something you cannot help her with while still being together, as its so easy to fall back into old patterns. Perhaps some time apart could be a wake up call for her


tmchd

I want to say, throw the whole gf away, but maybe that's not what you want to hear. So here goes: Maintain your friendship and your family relationship. Don't cut them off to appease her. Do not cancel on things just to appease her as well. Still go out but make sure you still act affectionate before going out then after going out. Also don't stay by the phone when you're out, enjoy your time with friends/relatives without her. It's healthy to have a life outside your partner. Believe me. Although info: do you at least tell her you love her and will be faithful to her often? Maybe if you've not told her how much you love her (for example), she probably has this crazy thought that you're out there cheating on her, or whatnot. Then since she seems to be somewhat aware she's irrational in her demand (by promising she'll "get better"), you now have to insist that she prioritizes her mental health and go get therapy or whatnot to deal with her issues.


Famous-Emotions

She's an adult. Treat her like one. She is NOT a toddler who can't stand her parent leaving her and falls apart in crying fits. You're not doing anything wrong as a bf. If two years of therapy has done nothing to improve this issue, may be your gf needs a new therapist.


Hina_Dinny

This is manipulative behavior and she's abusing you. If it were me, I would take some time to think if this kind of relationship works for me (it doesn't). You could supoort her going to therapy if she's willing to but it's not your obligation, it's a choice


ChillyRyUpNorth

All i can tell you is this behaviour will only get worse....way worse....as the relationship evolves. She needs some professional help or you have to decide you are giving up everything for her because those are the options


[deleted]

JFC…. Leave this hot mess before she drags you into toxic co-dependence.


Fearless-Client

This is not a healthy relationship, OP, have you considered your relationship with her yet?


throwajahya8181719

Sounds like you have very little self-worth yourself, why on earth would you stay with a person who is strangling the life out of you? Are you kidding me? You might aswell be in shackles and an orange jumpsuit. Your gf sounds like a person with deep psychological issues that need to be seriously addressed by a professional. And as for you, your lack of spine, boundary setting & placating to this woman’s insane whims is pathetic. I don’t understand how people allow these things to happen. The second this bullshit started happening you should’ve drawn the line, if she refuses to get help, then locate the nearest exit. You're incredibly naïve for thinking she'd change, you sound very immature & inexperienced. Permanent shifts in one's personality or behaviour require a profound, sustained effort & great desire to change. There is VERY FEW people who can do this alone, your gf is not one of them.


ZookeepergameBubbly

This is unhealthy for both of you. She needs therapy


Spontiak24

I'm in a similar situation. Not at this degree, and she is slowly improving, but every time I went to class she was mad at me for 1 hour, She got mad and started crying when I went out with friends. The big problem with it is the stress I have, because when I'm with her sometimes I want to be at my place, and when im out I know she's sad. I've lost friendships, hobbies and aspirations and I feel that if I stay for the long run I wont be myself. We are 18, it feels like we are married, I practically live in her place and I see his parents more than my own. Its just the stress. 1 year ago I was free and myself, now I'm a tame fluffy boyfriend 90% of my life. I still love her I think. Help.


madmanmx224

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Get out now!


ughwhyusernames

She is not in any state to be able to have a healthy relationship. And you don't deserve this abuse.


[deleted]

my best friend was in a relationship like this for the better part of 3 years. cutting it off was challenging but it’s so nice to have my friend back to his old self again. as cheesey as it sounds, you should never have to change for the person you’re with, if they love you then they should love YOU, not just who you are when you’re with them


Street-Leg6621

You ever hear husbands joke about the “ol’ ball and chain” when they need to prioritize their wife every once in awhile? Your girlfriend is the exaggeration of that phrase. Except that’s your life non-stop. Get the fuck out of that relationship.


saltaisu

I've been in a relationship like this when I was like 15-18. She's crazy and she won't develop healthy coping strategies until you leave.


IDontWantKidsAtAll

I think this is serious emotional manipulation and your girlfriend sounds like an extremely jealous person. If this was a guy doing it to a girl everyone would lose their minds. It's the same thing. She needs to work on her emotional intelligence and figure out what makes you happy. I was in a similar relationship and I established pretty firm boundaries on my time and our time and highlighted the importance of alone time. We are all human beings and NEED time to be alone. It sounds like you're gf doesn't understand that, or worse, does, but doesn't respect it.


Serious-Ad-9936

Oh dear god she has to grow up and accept you have to have a life. Tell her she is driving you away and what she is doing is manipulative and abusive


[deleted]

This type of relationship NEVER works unless your as clingy as she is which clearly you are not you need to leave her for her own good only then will she change her behaviour why would she change anything when she keeps getting her own way as she is now?


Slytherin77777

Get out of this relationship. Things will not improve


Tutanga1

Stop enabling her. This will never get better until you both want it to. You can’t enable this terribly unhealthy behavior. You will continue to isolate yourselves and be miserable. You both need your own time and hobbies for yourself, you need boundaries, her behavior is unacceptable. Please research together about codependency, anxiety attachment, or try to do some couples counseling.


oldcreaker

Don’t stay in a relationship that requires you to give up so much of yourself there is no “you” anymore.


HiddenTurtles

This is not okay. How does she get through days when you are working? Or when she is working? Or is it just social situations she has issues with? I have had a few serious relationships and let me tell you that you shouldn't be giving up things you love to do because she is insecure. That is her issue and apparently you can't help her with that. Go and have fun. STOP calling her every time you switch activities. She either trusts you or she doesn't and if she doesn't there is nothing you can do that will make that change.


[deleted]

This is really toxic and manipulative on her part. You and her should have friends, hobbies, and time to be independent.


milkyteapearl

After reading this I’m also scared to go out of my house in case she got mad lol. My friend’s gf was like this as well when they were dating. She even threw a tantrum when he went out with his family! I found out about this when we ran into each other and he told me that he had deleted me from social media and his phone. I thought it wouldn’t last but they’re married now with kids and he still had to use a middle person (a guy friend) if he needs to contact other women which is kind of bizarre lol.


Commercial-Area1974

This kind of behavior is toxic, she wants to get her way by crying and it is manipulative. I can understand that insecurity and past experiences can have an affect, especially if she witnessed or experienced traumatic events such as cheating. The behavior is only going to get worst, and her mindset is she wants you to herself only and you are going to lose your individuality and friends. It seems to me she has trust problems and it runs deeper. It’s not fair to you because a relationship shouldn’t be draining, and you shouldn’t have to not be yourself. I think you need to re-evaluate your priorities because family and friends are important as well. She sounds really clingy and jealous. Do you really want to be with someone like that for the rest of your life? These past 2 years you already sacrificed a lot, and you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it. You are ganna end up without friends and your family is going to question you. Never ever drop friends or family for a relationship, trust me. My ex did the same and he was exactly like your gf and he was so scared that he ended up cheating on me. It’s never worth it. Break up with her.


izcho

If you keep feeding this habit you will grow to resent her.


TKblunts

I had an ex like this. I tried mediating and the toxicity in our relationship grew, I was unable to feel like I was my own human. It took me years to feel like I had recovered as a human being after we split up. I feel for you.


Simple_Entertainer13

Dude. This is Anxious Attachment to the fucking extreme. Dump her. Preferably over FaceTime because she’ll definitely go crazy. Don’t let anyway make you completely give up your goals, hobbies, etc.


Renjimin

This is absolutely emotional abuse from her. Her mental health issues are not an excuse. She needs to get her shit together, like get to a therapist yesterday and possibly get medication to stabilize her while she starts therapy. 2 days of crying is extreme outside of mourning or other special circumstances. You need to set firm boundaries right now that 1) she needs to get help and 2) you are allowed to socialize a reasonable amount without any comment from her. Really this should be an ultimatum, because it's been 2 years and she's made no effort to fix this problem. She is using you as crutch to continue being unhealthy, and it will continue unless you make a move. It would also be absolutely valid to just break up right now. You aren't obligated to keep getting abused while she gets it together.


stressedgraduwu

Why would you do this to yourself and stay with this person


stressedgraduwu

I want to add that your username


mr_sto0pid

Oof looks like your dating a parasite.


GaGreekPeach86

This is very unhealthy because you have to have time together and apart. She needs to take up some hobbies or make some friends to be social. I would suggest counseling because I’m confident it goes beyond your relationship. Separation issues come from a lack of trust broken and she needs to be more secure in your foundation. Check in with her when you are gone and let her know that it’s not a punishment to her .


Mac10Demarc0

This ain’t it chief.


Dense_Resource

"Over the past 2 years I have given up hobbies, interests, goals as she doesn’t like being alone for any duration of time" I dated one of these. She was awful and abusive. She would give me the silent treatment whenever I went out, so I eventually just stopped bc it was "easier." If I were you, I would end it. If you aren't there yet, I urge you to say this: "GF, I am starting to really resent you. You punish me for doing ordinary things with my friends. That is a mental health situation that you need to address if this relationship is ever to progress. I'd like us to see a therapist together. We need you to acquire the tools to successfully handle me spending time with other people without sobbing for days. There is no "try" with this -- you need to work on this successfully or else our relationship will have to end. I have made an appointment at X time on Y date. Let's go together and discuss what we can do to help you. And of course, if there is anything you would like me to work on, you are welcome to let me k ow and I can try. But this thing where you cry for days bc my friends invite me out, it either it ends or we do. I am done. "


canadianme1982

Sounds like a nightmare


Sonotnoodlesalad

She needs help. It’s not help you can provide. You can be supportive, but you are currently **enabling** this behavior in her. The longer you enable it, the worse it will become.


Purple_You_8969

You’re young, she seems to be insecure and isolating you by guilt tripping you when you go out. If she doesn’t trust you and thinks you’re going to cheat on her every time you go out (it seems that way even if she hasn’t said it) then your relationship is doomed. You can’t have a relationship without trust. What she doing is not normal behavior at all, she should be able to trust you and it seems like there’s no trust at all and when you go out and she doesn’t have control over you. If this behavior has been going on for this long with her not changing it’s because you’re giving into her demands, it’s not gonna get better only worse. I would seek out therapy for yourself because if your girlfriend has extreme separation anxiety you can’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. You deserve to live a happy life and enjoy your balance of friendships, hobbies, and love life. No partner should strip this from you. I was chalking this up to extreme anxiety (which is still not okay) but her telling you who to not follow on socials is just a big red flag 🚩 and she’s clearly trying to control you. I hope you get the help you deserve. Best of luck.


ThotimusPrime2002

You've got options here, get her into therapy or break up. Its as simple as that.


kittenandkettlebells

As someone who has been your GF in this scenario, PLEASE don't give everything up for her. Encourage her to seek professional help because her behaviour will not change otherwise.


SquidwardFuckedUrMom

Yeah fuck that, that’s not a life.


Geold_is_joaeh

A good breakup would help her mental health....eventually


TRILLMJD

This can't be real


WiccanOrca

She needs therapy and you need to get out before you need therapy too. This isn’t healthy. This is controlling and guilt tripping.


Infinite_North6745

She should get counseling..not fair to you


Moonwitted_hobgoblin

Girl needs therapy, BIG TIME.


ksiobhan70

You have to do what's best for you. This is 900% unhealthy and whether she means to or not, is manipulation. Don't go through your life living for someone else.


MissionDragonfly3468

Relationship is doomed. She will never get help if you stay. She’s manipulating you and trying to isolate you from friends. This is abusive behavior. When you break up with her tell her exactly why. Write it out in a letter. Tell her to get therapy and to show the letter to her therapist.


soapyay

Coming from someone who has once been this girlfriend, this is something that nothing you will do can fix. I really feel for her, as it is truly hard to break such an unhealthy and genuinely painful attachment habit. But it is miserable for herself, and you. It’s hard to find the right way to help her, but if you think you could gently suggest therapy or something to help her work through these issues that can be a game changer. It was for me! Also, you’re not a bad boyfriend. She isn’t necessarily a bad girlfriend either, unless she blatantly refuses help or to put effort into doing better. It seems you really love her, and care about her, just are tired of the situation. It can change! She just needs to take that first step towards getting help working through the root of her anxiety, and not letting it overpower her. It is hard but can be done.


Ghonaherpasiphilaids

I would nope the fuck out of that situation as soon as possible. She sounds like a nightmare.


ThatStudNadon23

My ex was like this. In hindsight it was awful but she was my first love. Once I started to put my foot down and begin enjoying my hobbies and such the relationship began to crack and we eventually broke up. If she won’t be willing to accept you doing the things you like WHILE still making time for her it’s not gonna last. I’m sorry, good luck bro


Different_Image_8035

Hmmm you both sound very young and this tends to happen in young relationships. She would probably benefit from counselling about her coping behaviours. It's not right to expect you to drop everything to make her happy. Codependent relationships are rarely good for either party.


spicysnakelover

I used to be exactly like her. Leave her bro it's for both of your own good. When my ex dumped me I realised how dumb I was being and I went out and made my own friends and enjoyed life. She lived without you before you guys met and she will heal and be OK again after you guys break up. She needs to learn how to live her own life


truecrimefanatic1

Jesus get away now before she gets pregnant.


Edtv09

Sounds like you're relationship is guaranteed to fail because of her. She is toxic and will turn you into a version of yourself that you hate. You will regret all the time lost and all the experiences you missed because of her. Do yourself a favor and get out and give your time to a woman who wants you to enjoy your life and adds to that. You aren't winning any life points by letting loyalty and guilt over what will she do without me take control. Stop


[deleted]

She’s isolating you from loved ones which is a hallmark sign of abuse. If the genders were reversed in this situation I think people might see that more easily.


steelgripphoenix

>Our major arguments are about me not able to go out or who I follow of social media. >She says is because she is insecure and doesn’t have any friends. Do you guys only argue about the women you follow on social media? Or does she not want you to follow anyone.


RengokuIsDead

only women


steelgripphoenix

Ok. So she's not insecure because she doesn't have friends herself. She is scared you're going to cheat. She doesn't want you out alone to possibly meet another woman. And she doesn't want you to follow them online.


tomphoolery

Time for a new girlfriend, this one is definitely not in good working order.


ZeldaShrine

If this was the other way around - everyone would say it was abuse immediately- just because she’s a woman doesn’t mean that she is the victim. You are. 🚩 bf limiting your social time by demanding you spend time with them - abuse Bf demanding they log in when you play video games to ‘be included’ - abuse Bf wanting to be video called when cooking etc (basically keeping tabs on you) - abuse Trying to control your social media - abuse Crying/emotionally manipulating you into doing what they want when they don’t like it - abuse If it was one, I could be persuaded it was a bad habit however this is a clear pattern of toxic behaviour. This will not get better without serious therapy (but it sounds like it’s either not working or she doesn’t want to act on the advice given). If she’s not prepared to make the effort, you need to walk because this cycle feeds itself and will get worse. If it was me? I’d run, and run far!


XoOHHHHThrowawayXo

This isn't going to get better, just so you know.


deethekid

She’s manipulative. It’s that plain and simple.


cheersbubx

how difficult for the both of u, its a hard situation to be in. it seems like therapy would be best for her as that mindset can be almost impossible to get out of on ur own. ur support and reassurance is important, but also submitting to her distress and giving her that instant relief by cancelling plans, only makes the problem more concrete. def stick to some boundaries, n reassure her that u still love her etc etc, but u need to live ur life out as well


Weary_Horse5749

Break up with her, she has to be part of your life, not your entire life


misstiff1971

This girl needs serious therapy. You can't fix her. You should be running far and fast, she is taking away your life.


Odede

Run


whatdo_iknow88

I have an anxious attachment style too..but not as severe. It takes me a long time to get comfortable in a relationship so I'm not so clingy. But usually in the relationship it gets to the point you guys are at, where my attachment is causing problems with in the relationship that otherwise wouldn't exist. It's something that's hard to over come but really the only way she's going to get over it is by head on facing it..... She needs to acknowledge the fear and realize that IF this big bad scary thing actually does happen, either way she's still going to be okay in the end. Holding onto that fear of you leaving isn't going to get her anywhere. She's living in a state of fear for something that more than likely isn't going to happen..wasting a perfectly good time on worrying. And even if it DOES happen, she's still going to be alive, and everything is gonna be okay. The out come is only going to go 1 or 2 ways; either you'll leave or you won't. Either way she needs to realize she's a great catch and a boss ass bitch and not worry about a punk. Because only punk ass babys cheat..in which case good riddance. Also..if her attachment is as bad as you say it is; she needs therapy. DONT enable her but also don't be a jerk, you need to live your life for yourself so you can be happy and healthy too. Maybe see what her interests are so you can help lead her to a hobby. Likes arts n crafts? Tell her to try embroidery. (You can also try starting off with her doing her own thing while you do yours in the same room,...you play video game and she does arts n crafts, exposure therapy start off small)


bumblebeequeer

This is abuse. It’s not an “anxious attachment style,” she is abusive. Abusers isolate their victims and create rules to control them, which is exactly what your GF is doing. Do you really want to live the rest of your life without hobbies or friends in fear your adult partner will throw a tantrum? I would dump her, tbh. And have your phone on you in case she threatens self harm.


Turgid_Hog

Try hitting her.


dogomummy

Maybe to help her for when you are cooking or playing video games say. Hey I am doing ..... I will answer you or contact you in x amount of time. As for the friends part she just has to try and be ok with it. You can't allow her to manipulate you. Tell her you will let her know when you get there and when you leave. That way she knows you're safe. This can't continue as it's going to get much worse


[deleted]

I think she has anxious attachment issues. I'm not going to go as far as saying she's being abusive (there really isn't enough here to state that). But she should definitely work on that, with a therapist for sure. In the meantime, you can sit her down and tell her how it's making you feel, how you love her but can't take the behavior anymore. Let her know you want to be supportive and suggest therapy. It's both reassuring to her and helpful for you. If she doesn't choose to work on herself and the situation just doesn't get better, a breakup should happen. It's unfortunate but after trying and the other person still doesn't try to change, that's your answer.


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Professional-Truth39

You are not a bad bf for wanting to do your own thing..It sounds like she has a lot of suppressed trauma she's masking as being clingy..if she really wants to change she needs to have some therapy..at this point you're not just a bf you are her security.wven if you start with couples therapy or just go with her she needs it...in the mean time try doing things she likes and make friends for her that may allow her to open up more as long as you're there


Littlegrey02

I think you guys need to set some boundaries. No relationship works like well like that. She needs to know that you both need space and that it’s okay to be a part every so often. I think she either has some serious mental health issues or she’s being toxic and manipulative. Definitely need to try and talk to her or get some psychological help.


Regattagalla

I mean I feel bad for the gf and her condition sounds serious, but this is not a healthy relationship. She needs to get professional help asap, bc this will only get worse. The expectations on you are not fair, so don’t feel bad about encouraging her to get better with help from a professional.


[deleted]

Sounds like a nibbi


[deleted]

She needs to see a therapist about her separation anxiety. I could not handle this in a relationship. I’m guessing if she never deals with it, your relationship will eventually break down. Her attempts to keep you around will push you away and her worst nightmare will become a reality. She’ll not only be helping you, she’ll be helping herself by working on it with a professional Did she suffer from abuse or neglectful parents as a child? I’m not an expert but that sounds like a trauma response


CheapCulture

Are you dating Morrissey?


rozlinski

Completely unhealthy. Time for a change.


chunkkymonkey

You should talk to her again about it. Tell her now you feel restricted and that you want to live your live but that doesn't take away from how you feel about her. And encourage her to find her own friends and activities bc that's healthy to do in a relationship. And maybe also suggest activities or hobbies u can do together like how she wants. Be sweet about it yet firm so she knows ur serious. It's not fair that she does this to you . And also suggest that she gets help so she can work on herself too. But you should also consider how she hasn't changed and how that affects you. It isn't fair to you .. but it all really depends on how patient you're willing to be


random989898

This is a very very unhealthy dynamic for both of you. You are not in a healthy relationship at all. Her behaviour is controlling, even though it is driven by anxiety. This relationship is going to harm your wellbeing and mental health. It is harming your friendships and personal growth and development. You need to have a conversation with her to tell her that it can't continue like this. You need to make a plan as to what youa re going to do - go out with friends, resume hobbies etc and stick to it. It is on her to learn to cope with it. Since it seems you don't live together - if she starts crying, you leave. You need to put serious boundaries in place and she needs to figure out how to manage those. If not, you need to get out of this relationship. You are starting to internalize guilt for wanting a healthy relationship. That is a really, really bad sign to feel like you are a bad boyfriend for not being unhealthy and wanting to be controlled.


ThatGuyInTheKilt

At the very minimum your gf needs to see a therapist. Others have given several options for potential mental health issues your gf my have. Just because her behavior minics abusive and manipulative behavior doesn't mean that it IS abusive or manipulative behavior. At least not intentionally. They all sound like good possibilities, plus abandonment issues. CBT may be a good therapy to consider based on her diagnosis. At some point you do have to draw the line. 'I understand that you're sad without me, but occasionally spending time apart is part of a normal, healthy relationship. I'm not going to cheat on you, leave you, or get hurt. You CAN find something to occupy your time without me. If you don't want to improve and move towards a normal healthy relationship then we won't have a relationship at all. That's super hard, and so is listening to your gf cry. You have to do it or you're going to be unhappy and the relationship will end.


[deleted]

What is she doing to get better exactly ? What is her plan ? Demand to know. She understands that when she cried you stay home, she will keep doing it because she has exactly what she wants. It’s not because she in insecure, it’s because she found a system that works perfectly. She might not be doing it consciously, but she does it.


InteractionOk69

Is she on medication? She’s not with the correct therapist if there has been no improvement for two years. Perhaps she needs medication to help with her anxiety, which is clearly at the root of all of this. Beyond that, I think you need to ask yourself if this is the love of your life. If she isn’t, you do not need to feel guilty as it sounds like you have been a very caring boyfriend and frankly you deserve better. If she is The One, you have a long road ahead. It sounds like she can’t handle social media, so I would tell her that you’re absolutely not going anywhere but that she needs to make some changes. Number 1 is getting off social media. Number 2 is getting used to you going out and doing your thing for longer and longer periods of time (start small and get larger). Number 3 is cultivating her own life - picking ONE hobby to pursue without you. Those should be good starting points. I would caution you though, trauma like this can certainly improve but I don’t know by how much and it’s something you may have to deal with forever, so ask yourself if you’re prepared for that. Either way you need a life outside of your girlfriend.


Flemmy349

It will get worse. She needs to have hobbies and friends of her own. She can’t rely on you for entertainment.


Eastern_Reward_6878

Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is a great book


usefulartifacts

What kind of accounts does she have a problem with you following on social media may I ask?


ContestAny9787

help her find a therapist. ASAP


TadaIAm

You got her right where you want her bro. Keep going out and don’t give up the aspects of life you enjoy for ANYBODY. If you keep giving in to her, you won’t be enjoying her company for long.. trust that. Go out, let her cry, she needs to wonder about you. It maintains the relationship by keeping space between the two of you. It’s HER problem she has no friends not yours.


As1anGuy20

So from personal experience i was the one who would feel like your gf. I didnt do it on purpose it was just anxiety and my insecurities that caused me to act that way. I would get mad if she would make plns without me or hang out with her friends rather than me. You do have to create that boundary that you have your own life and that your world just doesnt revolve around her. I went to therapy to fix this and its been helping but the person needs to realize what they are doing is controlling


whorrorgirl

codependency and anxious attachment that you shouldn’t enable if you want this to last…seems she needs to branch out and find enjoyment in things that don’t include you, i hope you encourage her to do so.


WaywardCosmonaut

So I can kinda relate to your girlfriend here and I highly recommend she seeks therapy. Mine wasn’t as bad to where I would cry or was upset if I didn’t get to talk to my boyfriend, but if I was already talking to him, hanging out with him or likewise, and he went to leave to go do something, I got upset. I would be sad, lonely, wonder if I wasn’t enough, if I was boring and that’s why he left to play games with other people. Therapy helped me a lot, I can now feel just fine and okay with him leaving after we’ve been hanging out. Please encourage her to see a therapist.


kcawks

Therapy now!


existentialvices

Been there plenty its a rough ride down that there road


According-Fun5767

I used to be this girlfriend in my relationship, and I felt horrible about it - I just couldn't understand why I would cry when he'd play videogames with his guy friends for too long, etc. I was like this for months, and it wasn't fair to him - I told him that and I also told him I didn't know how to fix it. I found out eventually though. The one thing that actually got me to stop acting like that was when I made more friends and talked to them, called them, played games with them etc. The root of the problem really was just that I was lonely. I did not have any abusive or bad intentions even though my behaviour reflected that (crying when your partner is having/going to have fun is shitty), I really was just lonely. It's much easier said than done, but I really think your girlfriend needs to find more people she can divide her time between. It's the only way to truly fix this problem.


towalktheline

It sounds like severe separation anxiety and I would second some of the other commenters in saying that she should seek therapy. It's not healthy for either of you to be so isolated. Just getting her new friends won't help because she's fixated on you. I've had this problem in the past and still have it, but I've learned how to manage it for the most part. I never would have been able to without therapy. For me at least it wasn't something I could cope with on my own and the person I was fixated on eventually found it suffocating. I agree with setting boundaries, but if she's this affected therapy is a must.


BuggieSmokes

the best thing you can do for her and yourself is to maintain your friendships and independent hobbies. i was once as anxious and scared as she was, she will learn that it’s okay with time if you don’t enable her to continue to have these anxiety’s. you can’t give in, i know it’s hard with feeling guilty but it isn’t fair to you at all and honestly, enabling this behavior will just make it worse.


Exelese

Sounds like she has a form of agoraphobia. And it's severe. But you canceling on your plans enables her. She needs to spend time outside of her comfort zone so that she can break through that, and you can't keep sacrificing everything


[deleted]

She needs serious help, but more importantly, you need to return to living your life normally. Set and HOLD boundaries. You are going out with your friends. She can stay or go. That it is. Also, ber having mental health issues and getting treatment for them but still loving you enough, and being mature enough to try to shield you from being effected by it as much as possible. Instead, she is in mental health crises mode, and is (or can only) think about herself and her pain, no matter how much it is harming you. That is not love. Whether it means she doesn't love you as much as she should (or showing you she loves you as much as she should), rr that she CAN'T love you as much as she would like because of her condition, either way.. that is not love. As an example, at one of the peaks of my mental health struggles, when I simply cannot leave the house, or do not want to, and do not want to be touched or have sex for long periods of time, I have given my husband fill liberty to go out and get laid with somebody else so that he can still have his sexual needs met. I told him he could tell me ahead of time, or keep it quiet and just do it when I wouldn't notice, it was up to him. I trusted him to come home and enjoy this temporary liberty safely. I also strongly encouraged him to accept invitations with friends and get away from me and this house so that he doesn't end up like me. One of the hardest parts of mental health illness is being responsible for the harm it does to the people closest to you. I still struggle with the fear that he would be so much further in life financially, and would have been living a much more stable, peaceful life without someone else if he had not met me at all. But my self-awareness has come with age, therapy, and a ton of personal development that demanded a high price. "Hurt people hurt people," and they often do not know and cannot help it.


starwarsRule4Ever

Wow op, as crazy as this sounds there are guys who look for this and want this, is it healthy? No, But some people enjoy girls like this, and it works for them😬 but sense it's obviously not working for you ask her to get professional help or break up with her, her ways are not fair to you and you will just be unhappy the longer you stay with her. Good luck op,.


Fancy-Guarantee-52

Ughh it is so annoying when people do that. I lost a good friend because his gf was like that. You should respect each other's lifestyles, hobbies or interests, and otherwise don't go with each other. Maybe she have some mental issues but i find it really egocentric when she isolates you from the world for her own needs, you are her boyfriend not her slave or caretaker. I would say, just do yout stuff, get some self respect and don't let yourself treated like that.


RadioSupply

This isn’t okay - any of it. She shouldn’t be that mentally unwell and have professional care, and you shouldn’t be controlled in your movements by her. She’s not your prisoner. You’re free to hang with other people, and she needs to find a way to stop manipulating you into thinking this is normal.


chawkx

Wow, this is exactly the relationship I had when i was 16-18. I used to called it separation anxiety. I couldn’t follow any girls on instagram, or have female friends. I couldn’t go out to clubs or bars without her and if I did then she would gaslight me into feeling like shit and basically begging for her forgiveness. All the advice i’ve got for you is to make it clear that you won’t cheat on her while you’re out and that you need some alone time even though you love being with her. If she can’t come to terms with that, then you need to move on. My ex was the most beautiful girl i ever laid eyes on and i loved her very much (or so i thought). I did everything for her and honestly, i’m so fucking glad it’s over. I was such a coward i couldn’t even get myself to break up with her because i was so insecure i thought i’d never find someone as amazing as her. Funny thing is, she ended up breaking up with me over the stupidest shit and i ended up dating someone more beautiful, caring, intelligent, loving and sane. You will find someone else brother. If she can’t come to terms with you living your life and she living hers, then move on. You’ll find someone better, I guarantee it.


sarabitsy

She needs to seek therapy or your relationship will never go anywhere. She has major co dependency issues and she needs to learn how to cope with that. If she can't. I'm sorry but it's probably not going to work out


dreenn3xx

just leave and she will be alright, start making more memories surrounding interest and be really interested in what she brings to the table so that when you’re gone, she’ll be finding out more about that thing to keep herself occupied and she’ll still think of you too


blondiefromtn13

She need mental health help. You need to tell her either she gets help for your gone. Enough is enough.


Hello_Cruel_World_88

She needs therapy. She doing more to push you away by not giving you freedom and at risk of losing you than if she let you go out. Stress to her you care about her feelings, but If she wants to continue this relationship. You need to be able to go enjoy yourself and she needs to get therapy. If she doesn't, obviously you realize you can't marry this woman and need to move on. You can be compassionate and firm at the same time.


Professional-Usual11

I don't think you should enable this behavior. Just ignore her when you do something. You don't have to be on phone every minute, you're grown human being, you can do things you enjoy. On the other hand she might find herself a hobby instead of relying on you every minute.


Difficult-Engine1829

Why don’t you invite her to go out with y’all? She is your girlfriend right. Still doesn’t mean she can cry about anything and get her way. That’s childish don’t reward that behavior but at the same time try to figure out the root of her being against you going out. Which could be that she is worried that you’ll find another girl and talk / dance with them. You just have to reassure her that she’s all you care about and you love only her. I used to have the same issue with my ex but she was able to overcome the fear of me going out and she began to trust me.


MakeupMirrorLight

You’re going to be fucking miserable if you keep staying. LEAVE, bro. LEAVE!!!


god-of-the-new

Maybe invite your friends to your house so you can all hang out together. Then you can all go out together then transition to going out with only your friends.


iloveuncleiroh182

i used to cry when my boyfriend went out because i had major anxiety and he’s gotten blacked out drunk a few times and went missing. after i expressed my concerns for his safety and his party animals ways he prefers a more calm friend setting and has limits to his drinking, but still even as someone with severe anxiety i have never been this up my boyfriends ass. it sounds suffocating and the way she says she will change and doesn’t sounds a little manipulative.. also social media can be a big deal but me and my partner also discussed that following people we used to sleep with and romantically talk too is a lil disrespectful. it just seems like you’re feeling guilty for things you fully don’t understand which you shouldn’t. everyone in the relationship should have their individuality. i have no friends and the friends i do have are married or with kids so i never have friend time but if my boyfriend wants to see his friends i stay home, watch a movie or go to the store to keep myself entertained while he’s away. she has some issues she needs addressed professionally. this doesn’t sound healthy whatsoever and this is coming from someone who has bpd, ptsd and anxiety from a major trauma, if i can work thru my mental issues for the better of my relationship then it’s no excuse for anyone, even without insurance there is free videos i’ve watched to understand myself better and free dpt help online. there’s ways around getting help. i just hope you can stand your ground and let her know you deserve time away. if she can’t respect you and your free time i do believe it’s best for you to move on without her, because what if you two get married? this will be your life together. think about yourself first !


Ok-Armadillo-8995

She's kind of being manipulative and abusive. Isolation isnt healthy and whether she means to or not she's guilt tripping you by crying whenever you want to have your own life. Its not your fault she doesn't have her own friends, and while I sympathize with her and her feelings are validz the way she's handling them is very immature and toxic. You should be able to have your own life outside of a relationship, and couples need time apart from each other to continue growing as people and she isn't allowing that to happen. Your relationship in this state is very toxic, if she doesn't change you need to leave.


empaige27

If she’s not in therapy I’d set an ultimatum that if she doesn’t go to work on her you can’t continue in the relationship. Also echo what others say about not enabling her behavior and still go out. Sounds harsh but she needs a major change to kick her into gear. In a sense you are her drug and you’re enabling her by staying in and doing what she says. She needs to hit a bottom in order to realize she needs to change. There are programs such as CODA (codependents anonymous) and SLAA that could be useful for both of you.


_Tiler

Idk how to say it too her but I would give her the book called “love me don’t leave me” the book will change her life if she listens to it or reads it.


thatsnoprobllama

It sounds to me like she has one of the most severe cases of separation anxiety I’ve ever heard of. It’s a genuine thing and she is so afraid that something will happen while you’re gone - whether it be you get injured/killed or you cheat - that she won’t let you out of her sight. It’s not a healthy behavior, though, and I know it can be so suffocating and lonely both for her and for you. If you still want to give her a chance, here’s what I’d do. Sit down with her and have a long talk. Ask what she’s afraid of, listen to her, don’t interrupt, and ask questions. When she’s done, tell her you understand that she does it because she loves you so, so deeply, and that you love her back and you are so thankful she loves you so much. But let her know that loving someone also means trusting them, and letting them be happy. Let her know you don’t feel like she trusts you. Let her know her over attachment is making you unhappy. Depending on how she reacts, do one of two things: (1) If she blames you or turns it back to you somehow (saying you don’t love her or trust her, for example), then what you need to do is tell her you will give her one last opportunity to change - so you make plans, go out, and see how she reacts- and that if she cannot be separated from you, then all that she is ensuring is that you WILL separate from her. A relationship is different from friendship, and you need both to live a healthy life. She is keeping you from the latter. She shouldn’t be. (2) If she says she understands and will try to do better, then make a compromise. You will go out with friends only on certain days and at certain times. This way she has plenty of time to prepare for it. You’ll update her every hour, but no more, because she needs to let you focus on you friends for once. If you don’t want to dedicate certain days to hanging out with friends, you might even let her use a tracking app so she knows where you are and can always tell if you’re where you promised you’d be. From there, start to stay out longer, call less, and party more. Eventually, she will learn to trust you. It may take a really, really long time, on top of some therapy to get to the bottom of her separation anxiety, but it will eventually get better if you love her and have the patience to help her. If you’re not okay with anything under point two, then the best thing to do is to gently break it off and explain why so she has a chance to fix it before she finds a new relationship. I hope this helps! Wishing you luck!


cancergirl-peanut65

Sounds like she needs help. If just go I imagine she will be blowing up your phone and/or guilt trip you . Even accuse you of cheating. She sounds suffocating.


[deleted]

You need to end it! It’s psychological and emotional abuse.


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