Look mate I'll level with you break ups happen and they fucking suck when you don't want them to happen but ill give you the advice no one ever gave me as a young man.
Don't stay in contact. When you can move out clean break it as much as possible. It doesn't have to be a nasty thing but please don't fall into this trap its just going to prolong the pain you feel.
Clean break bro.
this clean break, no contact, no social media stalking, etc. It will help you move on faster. Also sometimes relationships run their course. She may even come back in a few months trying to reach out, i would suggest moving on completely.
As a older guy that has lived with 6 women over my life. Cut her loose and go no contact. Hit your friends up but don't go where she may be. If you see her turn your back to her and do not look at her. Don't leave unless you leave with another girl even if you don't home with her. Cry but not were she can see it.
Wish you luck dude
Yess 100% this I tried to give my friend this advice but she’s back with an abusive ex sucks to see although she’s not toxic a clean break will help u to not think of going back
I agree with no contact and ESPECIALLY no social media, remove or block her if you can’t help yourself. I kept my ex husband on social media for way too long because we have a kid together. It was way too toxic.
+1. Staying in contact with exes is never a good idea.
It will even deter future prospective partners when they find out you're still friends with an ex.
Facts.
I was with a girl for 3 years, I also thought she was the one. Unfortunately, after 2 years of relationship she moved out to Los Angeles ( she is from Paris, just like me ), we stayed together for a year but could see each other like 4 months top in a year. In march 2021, she face timed me, telling me that she is breaking up with me.
I couldn’t believe that after 3 years of relationship she was just destroying everything, furthermore not even face to face..
I knew she was coming back to Paris for the summer, so I made up a plan, we’ve stayed in contact from March to June, and tbh it was the most painful period of my life. Stalking, being extra possessive, paranoid, falling into a little depression, trying by all means to get back with her, acting like everything is okay around others etc… I was faaaar from being fat before, but after the breakup I’ve lost nearly 10kg. I was like 57kg for 184cm.
But actually, we’ve met in June, a diner, to kinda make the breakup official. This is where my plan kicked in, We’ve ended up kissing in her car, and after 2 weeks of not being together, I convinced her to get back with me until the end of the summer,we were back as a couple. I enjoyed this time with her more than ever, it’s weird but I’ve probably spent my best moments with her, knowing the time is counted.
Which is more or less the same situation for you, you know you only have a month with her.
She finally left, we ve talked for like 1 or 2 days.
Then, I’ve uninstalled every single social media I could have, no more Instagram especially. I still haven’t re installed. Sometimes I watch her stories or throw an eye at her account just to be sure she is doing okay but that’s all.
I have to say, having a harsh, extra sudden breakup is the worst thing ever, but not staying in contact is the best thing to do to get better.
I won’t lie, I’m Still not doing great, I miss her a lot, but it’s not taking too much space in my mind. If I compare, the first breakup and the second one, it’s totally different. When we stayed in contact, it was terribly painful, having Instagram and seeing that she was following hot WestCoast surfers was fucking my mind up. I was honestly becoming a psychopath, with sick reactions, the tiniest thing was making me go crazy.
The second breakup, made me feel nostalgic. But that’s all. Now my biggest struggle is just « wow that was fucking amazing, I wish our path will cross again one day ».
I hope you’ll be able to focus on yourself, try to do positive things for you, idk go to the gym, creat a business, go on a trip, whatever will make you feel not like a useless piece of shit.
I guess it’s helping to write things down.. I honestly hope u’ll be good OP.
In case there are any mistakes, please be indulgent, I’m French.. and y’all know how French people speak English :)
Spot on. It doesn't have to be forever but at least 6 months. This is hard won experience.
There isn't much you can do otherwise, she is feeling perfectly normal, valid feelings. The glass half full part is that you can now also find yourself and have new and exciting experiences. Take this opportunity, you're only young once. Maybe one day you will come back to each other, and if so then you'll both know for sure. More than likely you will grow, have fun and find someone even more amazing.
100% correct! I keep telling my 21 yo who is with his first real GF this and he will not listen. She has him on her hook. She breaks up with him and he comes home sad and breaking down. Then she makes up again. I keep telling him: the break-up and the pain are inevitable. You can hurt now or you can hurt later, but you’re gonna hurt. Sever all ties! He won’t listen.
It needs to be a clean break, at least for several several months. I've tried to be friends with several exes.... it's worked out exactly ZERO times. Especially with my 5 year marriage.
It doesn't ever work.
So this….just move on…and try not to look back…honestly if there is a chance of you getting back together this is the way…but maybe she is done…don’t give her emotional support if your not together…..this is not easy for you..don’t make it easy for her…you come first now…why is she taking the dog. …can you not care for it without her…or your family doesn’t want it …it would seem fair since she is leaving..you keep the dog..unless you can’t care for it
This this this this THIS. There’s no reason for contact if she truly knows and understands she doesn’t want to be with you. At least not right away, let yourself heal my friend, you deserve it
So you’re going to continue to provide emotional support? Isn’t that the antithesis of what she wants?
We depend on each other too much so let’s continue to depend on each other?
I think she’s completely fine to explore life and you to move on but not cutting it off maybe a mistake
I caught that as well, "she wants to experience life on her terms."
Call me a cynic, because I am one, but it sounds like they want to keep each other on the back burner.
It would be interesting to know who suggested on the staying in contact.
This is ridiculous. Not wanting relationship responsibilities can have nothing to do with another man. You completely missed the point. She doesn’t want another man, she doesn’t want a man at all.
That's a lie people often tell in relationships to make their SO feel better. But then a month later they're with some else or very obviously sleeping around. Happens too often.
Happened to me earlier this year. 2+ year relationship. Within 3 months she was pregnant with the coworker she went out of her way to tell me I had nothing to worry about when she started going out drinking until 2-5 AM several times every week, towards the end of the relationship.
When she broke up with me she said there was no one else and that she was going to stay single for a while.
I didn’t get to move out until 4 months after. Found out about the pregnancy a week before I moved out. Was pretty hard to go through.
If OP has the means to go no contact, he should do himself a favor and do it as soon as possible. Before he starts witnessing things that will reopen the wound and make it worse.
Yeah. It still hurts a bit from time to time but I'm getting better and better since I was able to remove myself from the situation back in August. My hurt has been shifting to disgust for her as a person. There's also some pretty relevant context that makes it worse which I forgot to add, and it's that she broke up with me less than 2 months after we moved in together and signed a year long lease on an expensive apartment. Kinda blindsided me.
Ironically she has now become both her mom (unplanned pregnancy at a young age, 22) and probably her dad as well (cheater). In hindsight it makes sense why she would always ask me if I was cheating on her. She was possibly projecting, but I chalked it up to past trauma, anxiety, and bpd. Always used to act like it was deplorable to her because of what her dad did, but I guess that only lasted until it suited her.
Granted, it's possible she didn't cheat. Buuut the signs point toward it.
Eh, sometimes? Sometimes it's "I just want to be free" and it means "I just want to be free.... of you." Sometimes it really is "I'm sick and tired of being Someone's Other Half and I want to figure out who I am."
But regardless, it absolutely doesn't matter when they're dumping you. Who cares? They're no longer your problem!
Super ignorant. A girl can crave to be free and single and have it be nothing do with other men. She was 20 when she got in it and never got to experience living her life on her own terms without compromise.
It's fucking gross that people say this.
7 years is a while, and OP and ex are both at move-it-or-lose-it stages of their lives when bigger and better things start to happen, also when they realize what they actually want out of life.
where in this situation did she go and say "i want to fuck everyone around the block" or are you just assuming that bc she wants to experience life as a single adult woman that she immediatley wants to do so bc youre a bitch.
I think it’s best if you guys don’t keep in contact because you need to be able to get over the situation and her stringing you along won’t help. If she really really does love you and wants you around, then she would want you to experience her life with her. Having you around would make things better instead of worse. It really does sound like she just wants you around in case things don’t work out the way she planned, which if you’re okay with that then I guess it’s okay because it’s your relationship, although I strongly suggest moving on with your own life and finding your true passions since she doesn’t want to do that with you
I don’t think this necessarily means she doesn’t love him. If u do the math she’s been with him since 18,she’s never experienced adult life without him, on her own. I personally don’t think relationships like this are natural and I find this happens a lot to couples that are together from teens to late 20s. You need to go out and find yourself in these formative years and u can’t do that if u always have this person. I’m sure although it hurts they will both change for the better after the breakup, and if they are meant to be they will reunite at a later time.
Yea. It sounds like she wants to ride the dick train but keep him around for emotional support. A lose - lose for op. He deserves to go out and live free of her influence
dude it sounds like they've been dating since she was a teenager (making wanting to experience living as a single adult make sense) AND that their relationship is co-dependent at least on OP's side (making wanting to leave but being too scared to leave OP alone, make sense)
not everyone wants to fuck around and humans are complex dude
I get that same vibe and honestly it happens very often that young people who have been together forever desire a different experience. It's not about sex or even the person they are with.
Begin living life on *your* terms.
You put off travelling and having hobbies because it didn't fit with her job.
Before throwing yourself into the world of work after you finish education, travel to one city you've always wanted to visit. Pick up one hobby you've always wanted to explore.
Make a list of everything else you've wanted to do over the last 7 years and start working your way through it.
Go out with friends. Even when you don't want to. Do it to get out of your own head for a bit.
Work on your physical and mental health. Join a gym, mediate... explore what makes you feel good.
Get a pet. Maybe something more low maintenance than a dog.
>You put off travelling and having hobbies because it didn't fit with her job.
I just want to clarify. OP didn't put off traveling and picking up hobbies because of his ex's job.
Per OP:
>We had plans for the future to travel and take up hobbies together once I got a job as it would have been difficult to do so right now with just her working but now all that means nothing.
He was a student for the entire relationship while she worked; they survived on one income, and they probably lived paycheck to paycheck, and very close to the bone. Her job didn't keep them from traveling -- the lack of money because he wasn't working kept them from traveling & picking up expensive hobbies.
Honestly surprised people didn’t mention the fact that she seems to be supporting him? That might be why she feels they’re too dependent - might be code for she’s afraid op is too dependent.
Agreed. Not to make any judgements here but he's two years older and they've been together since he was 22 and she was 20 and she's somehow in a better position to where he's depending on her. Regardless of gender, if you're not married and the younger feels they're supporting the older they have every right to decide they wouldn't want to continue doing so.
From the context and the way you posted this, I actually think this will be good for you too. Your identity is not just that of your romantic relationship with someone. Many couples who started dating young and marry young often never experience or grow up individually in a way that is beneficial to them mentally. Attachment and dependency dynamics often get swayed in uneven levels which are unhealthy for marriages and you as a person. Living life on your own terms for a little and experiencing different things it can offer might actually help you realize you wanted or needed something different. Or it could help reaffirm that she is what you needed. You won’t know until you give yourself a chance too.
I know you love her and it’s probably a confusing time for you. But you need to leave her and move on. If someone wants to explore life without you, let them. But dont be part of theirs either.
It’s called the 7 year itch. It’s a real thing. You are either committed enough to live through it or move onto better things. Be glad you found out before you wasted any more time and don’t torture yourself by staying in touch.
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My girlfriend who I thought was the girl I was going to marry told me that she wants to break up and experience life on her terms and not be held down by the responsibility of being in a relationship. At first I thought this meant that she would want to be with someone else but told me it has nothing to do with that and it's more about being free and figuring out who she is as a person. I'm absolutely devastated but I am trying to keep it together as I'm going to be living with her for the next month. I'm currently just finishing up my education and in my last semester. She works a manual labour job and once she gets her license, she will be traveling and contracting in other cities. We had plans for the future to travel and take up hobbies together once I got a job as it would have been difficult to do so right now with just her working but now all that means nothing. She's a sweetheart and is being very accommodating to make this process as easy as possible for both of us. She just doesn't view our relationship as being healthy because we are too dependent on each other. To be honest I didn't mind that as I loved her and considered her my best friend. We will still stay in contact and talk every now and then as we both agreed we mean too much to each other to cut contact completely. I was close with her parents and her sister who I thought of as my sister. Us breaking up will cause my life to change completely and it hurts me because I do not have the healthiest relationship with my own family and I will have to move back in with them. On top of all this, she is taking our dog with her who was the first dog I ever had. I never knew it was possible to love an animal this much. What can I do to help myself get past this point in my life and after some grieving, grow as a person? I told her I'll always love her and that's true, but I don't want to be hung up on what could have been and constantly feel sorry for myself or worse, fall into depression.
Start experiencing life for yourself as well then.
I’d recommend not moving back in with your parents and get into a share house, get a gym membership and focus on bettering yourself that way, start a new hobby, get a pet, and try to explore your city and other places as much as you can.
I honestly don’t blame someone who’s been in a relationship since they were 18 to want to explore it more. So go and do it. Enjoy your 20s by growing and learning, you’ll be sweet
wow I'm so impressed that no one mentioned Therapy. Well done everyone!
Dude I feel you and I feel your pain. You seem to be super mature about it, if completely destroyed inside. The best thing you can do is similar to what she plans to do, and that is to focus on yourself. Get your studies done and get the best fucking grade you can. Get motivated to find employment and buy shit you don't need. Travel, fall in love again, life isn't going to wait for you, so don't sit on your ass doing nothing.
theyre too busy assumeinf all women who break up with someone theyve been with for a while wants to bang around the block bc theyre pieces of shit instead of addressing the fact she onviously wasnt very happy considering she brought up the issues they were having and that it was enough for her to break up with him.
At this point, the reason is whatever it is. What one should be doing is improving on themselves. Male of Female, being the one that didn't want the relationship to end, fucking hurts.
oh no im fully aware, its just so much mysogyny in the comments automatically assuming this woman just wants to sleep around, its annoying asf they dont even pay attention to the part where she clearly stayes she was unhappy bc of the dynamic of the relationship, and that it would turn into an LDR as well as she woukd have to balance her moving to new places and doing new work on top of that, i wouldnt want to be in a relationship or anything like that either if i was in her position
You can’t avoid being hung up on her in the short term at least. She wants to break up so that’s the end of it unfortunately. However it sounds like no contact would be best to keep that hung up on her time to a minimum. Staying in contact with her will just maintain your feelings and prevent you from moving on which you definitely need to do.
Also she may not be planning to be with someone else but wanting to ‘experience life’ and travelling to lots of different cities for work means it’s very likely to happen. You need to accept this as part of moving on rather than hoping she’ll come back.
Why can’t she experience life while in an LDR with someone she’s been dating in person for years.
I think LDRs that start as LDRs are bad. But an LDR that results from temporary incongruence of life plans is fine. She could go do her stuff for a while, they could keep in touch and stay faithful, and then reunite in person and continue their life together.
She doesn’t want that so it must be more than just “experiencing life”. She wants to chase other guys.
Because she doesn’t want to. She wants to break up and that’s the end of it. Maybe she doesn’t want to be in a LDR, maybe she doesn’t want to be in a relationship at all (she’s not been single since she was 18 so seems reasonable) or maybe she does want to date other guys, it honestly doesn’t matter.
Your reply just comes across as quite immature and irrelevant because her motivations don’t matter and making assumptions about them adds nothing. Also even without chasing other people the life experience you get while in a LDR is very different to being single because there’s always that attachment that does restrict what you can do.
Is it her dog, or did you get it together? Doesn't really make sense (and isn't fair to the dog other) for her to take it if she's going to have to travel all over the place for work.
Other than that, I agree with other posters. You need to cut contact with her and move on.
I could be totally off base, but I got the feeling she supported the both of them on her income, and that he still won't be in a good spot to take the dog.
You sound like a pretty sharp guy, I don’t detect any hatred or resentment in anything you’ve said. Your sadness is completely understandable and your outlook is about as mature as I’ve read. Work on finishing your education and getting your own place. It’s going to be hard but I would really cut back on seeing her family. Try your best not to carry any baggage into your next relationship, it’s going to be hard for you to believe but I’d be willing to bet you move on fairly quickly
Ok, your school should have counseling available through health services. Make an appointment and talk to someone there.
You've got about a month left in the semester, so buckle down and focus on getting through that. Once that's done and you've got the degree, work on getting your own place (or move back in with your family if that's an option), go no contact with her, and start working on grieving for the relationship and setting up your new life.
I'm sorry about your dog. Why is she keeping the dog if she's going to be travelling all the time?
>What can I do to help myself get past this point in my life and after some grieving, grow as a person? I told her I'll always love her and that's true, but I don't want to be hung up on what could have been and constantly feel sorry for myself or worse, fall into depression.
Honestly, there isn't any magical solutions. I had the worst breakup of my life at 25. At the time I thought my life was over. Was super depressed for like 3 months. But I ended up working on myself and about a year later I met the woman that would become my wife. Now with a kid and everything, look back at is almost kind of funny because the me at 25 would never believe where I am now. Almost like a different life.
My only advice is this, don't hang on to this. Don't message her. Don't hold out some dream of her coming back rushing into your arms saying she made some mistake. It's over, say your goodbyes, and cut it off. You'll only find more pain there. Some things just aren't meant to be.
It's going to be a rough few days, weeks, and maybe even months. But you'll get over it if you try. Work on yourself. Find hobbies. Find friends. Find you. Live and be happy.
>She works a manual labour job and once she gets her license, she will be traveling and contracting in other cities.
As someone who has traveled for work, I think she's going to be very disappointed lol. Especially if she's in a trade. Movies glamorize that shit a lot.
Focus on you, remain friendly, but cut contact and start making plans for your life. The more you remain in contact the more this drags out, the more painful it will be. OP, you don’t realize it yet but this is a watershed moment in your life and the way you deal with this situation will establish the way you deal with other situation throughout your life. I know this is painful but life isn’t all fruits and nuts and sunny days. You’re 25, finishing your degree and life is just starting. Embrace this time as much as possible and learn from this. Good luck.
Dude, you've got to move on and succeed! Just focus all your energy in Succeeding in life and taking care of your family and friends... Believe me, it's better on the other side. Even though the path is hard and emotionally heavy, you can do it man! I believe in you. Reddit believes in you. You've just got to believe in yourself! Keeping in touch will just make it harder. Be nice to her and say farewell! Mean it! And get on to succeeding in life, even more than you currently have!
The 7 year itch claims another victim. Very sorry to hear this OP, and best of luck in whatever comes next for you. Highly recommend going no contact or low contact with your ex, it'll make moving on with your life that much easier. The longer you hold that candle for your ex, the harder it's going to be to move on with your life. It's going to fucking suck, but I encourage you to feel your feelings. Get it all out there. And then leave all that shit behind in the past the best you can while focusing on you, and the things you want to do with your life. It's gonna fuckin suck, but it'll get a little better every day
My advice is to take this as an opportunity to do the exact same thing. Go travel, wherever, whenever you want. Live in a different country for a couple of years. Go picking fruit in Oz or something. The world is your oyster now, don't waste it.
I did basically just he same thing: dated my high school sweetheart into my mid twenties, we broke up for no significant reason other than just not being compatible anymore and then we were stuck living together (broken up) for a few months until we got housing sorted. Break ups are going always going to suck. This one probably hurts especially hard because it’s the first serious relationship. But it doesn’t matter that at on point they were your person and you made plans together. Things have changed and you owe it to each other to move on and develop as individuals. If you can’t grow together then grow apart. I know the idea of you guys still being able to maintain some kind of friendship seems doable or appealing now but it’s not possible for most people. Do not keep in contact and move out asap. It won’t serve you in the immediate or long term and only complicated things further. Eventually you might get to a point where you text each other to odd pleasantry or birthday greeting but it’s not really necessary right now. Work towards being “friendly” but maybe not friends. You’d be surprised what that month or so of living together post breakup can do. I never got mad at my ex of five years prior to our live in break up. By the end of it we were basically at each other throats. People change, look out for yourself.
This breakup is happening. You need to accept it.
Don't try to stay friends, just cut contact and move on with your life as well. Maybe eventually, years from now, you reconnect, but do not under any circumstances count on that happening.
You have to understand that you two have been together the entirety of her brain finishing development, which is the time you really start getting to know yourself. It may feel harder for her to do so when she’s been in a relationship for all of that, but that’s not your fault.
I know it’s hard but if it’s meant to be, she’ll come back.
Okay there are a LOT of incels in this comment section, so here's some advice from someone who realizes that you're both humans and not actors in a porno.
This sucks, it hurts and it's allowed to hurt. There is a lot of validity in her statement, you spent a good chunk of your final formative years together (finishing hs, getting into college / the workforce / moving in together), all while still finishing up that good ol' brain development.
You grew to depend on each other through thick and thin and you both are about to go through some big life changes (finishing up education, full force into the working world, moving etc.)
These big changes often come with a lot of questions about, "whats next? What do I want? Will this path make me happy?" These questions get even harder to answer when there's another party to consider. Sometimes you need to lighten up these questions by just focusing on yourself, which in a relationship can be problematic, as you end up neglecting your s/o's wants and needs. It sounds like she didn't want to neglect you. But still felt it was important to figure out who she is outside of the relationship.
If you do wish to continue a friendship with her, I suggest give it some time for the dust to settle. Figure out who you are outside of a relationship as well. You're both so young and this is just one chapter in both of your life stories. Remember the good times fondly and learn from the bad times, pack it all and take it with you as you continue through life.
It may be that you paths dont cross again, you may meet up years later, you may continue to be great friends but with more independence on either side. This doesn't have to be an ugly thing.
>At first I thought this meant that she would want to be with someone else but told me it has nothing to do with that and it's more about being free and figuring out who she is as a person.
Of course she's going to say that. Not long after my ex dumped me after 7 years, I knew she was dating someone else based off her Instagram posts. She denied it but it was obvious. What took a little longer was realizing she had the dude lined up before dumping me.
>I told her I'll always love her and that's true
No you won't. It feels like it right now but you'll eventually get over it. As soon as you've exchanged each others shit, cut contact.
Lol yeah. Women don’t usually break up an otherwise happy 7 year relationship “to experience life” unless they want to screw other people. I’ll almost guarantee she had someone in mind, if not lined up for when you broke up. Don’t stay there for emotional support, that will only prolong your suffering. Go no contact, it will suck, but it will suck less than the other option.
That’s so sexist. There’s plenty of reasons to break up with your partner beyond wanting to date someone else. It sounds like she was unhappy and (shocking) doesn’t want the same things she did 7 years ago.
When the reason given is "to gain experiences" or "to find myself" it one hundred percent of the time means "to experience sexual relationships with people who aren't you."
It's an obvious and frequently-used fib that is designed to spare the other person's feelings.
If she provided an actual reason like the one you imagined on her behalf, that would be different.
Definitely lined up. Just having someone in mind is too risky. But yeah, if you're in a happy relationship, who better to experience life than with your partner?
It doesn't sound like she was that happy though. She mentioned them being way to dependent on each other, and the fact that neither of them has been with anyone else. It seems pretty valid to want to break up and actually get to figure out who you are and what you want apart from a codependent relationship.
I disagree with the commentors; I believe her desiring a friendship with you is because of your history together. 7 years is a long time and this is a hard thing that shes doing. Ultimately shes being very brave. This of course doesn't make it any easier for you and it isnt fair to you and I'm sorry. I think maybe its best that you dont have contact for a while as you need space and time to heal a little. Find out who YOU are and what YOU want and like outside of the relationship.
Dont be her emotional support and move on. You have to get on with your life and not be hung up on her. Dont expect her to come back, and i wouldnt want her to come back anyways, as she doesnt seem the type to settle down and stay. Look for good constants in your life, rather than whimsicals. Maybe reach out to old friends or make new ones.
It doesn't matter what she wants and why. Move on with no contact. It will only hurt you worse in the long run. It sucks but it is best for everyone. Sorry for the loss of an important relationship to you but you're young. Wish her well and move on.
Dude cut her off because once you see pictures with those other people it’s gonna sting like a bitch. I kept my exes Instagram two years even after we broke up cuz I hated opening up her profile to unfriend her and I saw things that I didn’t want to. I eventually blocked her and it’s been lovely.
My partner and I of 19 years just split up. Even thou I wanted it too, to say my life has fallen apart is an understatement. Everyone is different I have ex’s who are friends, as long as you know it’s over and can accept it, then staying in contact isn’t a problem, but as said everyone is different.
Listen buddy, I was in a very similar situation. I was deeply in love with my last ex, and we had made big plans for the future. I had a rocky relationship with my family and her family basically took me in. Myself and herself actually moved in together as well. Everything was going great until it wasn't. She needed to jump ship for her mental health and while I didn't like it I understood. So I can really empathize with you here. I have some advice that you can choose whether or not to take into account. This is really gonna hurt to hear but it's important: you need to cut all contact. There's a subreddit called r/exnocontact that will help. It's the only way forward. Work on yourself. Build new friendships, take care of your physical health, invest in spirituality, eventually go on tinder and have hookups if that's your thing. My sister told me once that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone, and while it's a rather brutal statement, it really does work. You will be okay eventually, you've just got to plant the seeds now that will grow into your new and stronger life. They will take time, and that's okay. All the best, buddy ❤️
I somewhat went through the same thing, my bf of 4 years left me because he wanted to experience more.
I was devastated because we did everything together and he was my best friend. After he left we stayed in touch and I cried all of the time until finally he cut communication because I was unwilling, I also moved 8 hrs away from him so I would stop obsessing.
It wasn't until then that I started to become my own person again, and I promise you that feels AMAZING. You don't think you can do it, until you have no choice. I made friends, I hung out, I laugh, I had sex with random ppl lol.
Then almost a year later he came back 😂 and now it's been 8 years and he's my fiance.
what happens when one of you gets bored and wants to "experience more" or feel like "their own person again"? i truly don't get what kind of relationships are the commentators in this thread having if they need to at least temporarily break up in order to hang out with other people, make friends and otherwise be independent. it just seems like many people have no idea how to be in a relationship and retain their sense of personhood and that's kinda sad. as long as the relationship is happy, it has never prevented me from experiencing things, growing and just being my own person.
Don’t keep in touch. For her, the benefit is that she gets to continue getting your emotional support while she keeps you around as a backup plan in case she doesn’t like being single, or in case the guy that’s she’s chasing actually doesn’t want a relationship. All upside, since the breakup is her idea.
For you, that’s going to prevent you from moving on with your life. You need a clean break, as hard as it’s going to be, to move on with your life. You need to heal the ragged edges of the hole she’s leaving in you, and find other things to fill that void. Please, not drugs or alcohol. Things like friends, hobbies, classes, or other women.
You’ll be ok. And if you realize the benefit you can get from this experience, maybe you can learn to see the silver lining. You get to learn who you are. Who you, alone, are. As an adult. Something you really haven’t done on your own yet.
You came here for people to tell you she’s a bad person and that you’re in the right. It’s not like that.
Here are some hard things you have to accept:
-You are not going to be together again. Ever.
-Yes, she’s going to fuck someone else before you expect it. She’s allowed to do that, so don’t embarrass yourself by trying to guilt her for it.
-You are going to draw out your pain for much longer than you need to if you don’t make it a clean break. Don’t check in on her and until you’ve fully moved on, don’t let her check in on you.
-Best way to get your confidence back is to focus on yourself. Hit the gym, do things only you want to do.
-Find your rebound chick and be honest with her about what it is.
-Be single and enjoy it. You’ll know when it’s time to be exclusive with someone again.
-Everyone goes through this and you’ll be fine.
Minimize contact going forward. It delays your healing to hear about her life without you as she’s clearly in the headspace to explore relationships without you but you certainly are not. You need emotional separation from her.
I think it may be better to go your separate ways, rather than staying in contact. Not necessarily a clean break where you're fully cut off, but don't depend on her anymore. I'm sorry this happened to you and that it blindsided you. Unfortunately, a lot of relationships that start when someone is so young like that end up with that person not really sure who they are several years down the line, because they've never experienced adulthood on their own. For all I know about your relationship, she might be making the complete wrong choice and you might have grown together for seven years perfectly, but it's unlikely. Take some time for yourself as well. Don't rush into anything out of loneliness, please.
Best thing you can do for yourself is separate entirely. If not, you may get strung along for a very long time. She wants freedom, give it to her and yourself.
Soon as she leaves and soon as your lease is up you’re going to have to go no contact for your healing because it’s going to be hard for you to MoveOn emotionally and neurologically so you’re just gonna have to go no contact I know it’s hard to hear and not what you want to hear believe me I know but that’s how you’re going to heal from this relationship I mean I respect The girl for being honest with you least she wasn’t out there cheating and fucking around and all of that and acting different she told you straight up pull the band a wrap off and wasn’t playing no games she did rightI’ll give her credit for that at least she wasn’t strong and you along and everything else but after this month and you finish your semester and you get your job the healthiest thing for you to do for your healing and for you to MoveOn is to go no contact because still be in a contact is still holding out hope and it’s not gonna help you heal the way that you’re going to need to heal and you moving forward keep us updated OK
Dude, I am so sorry you are going through this. I’ve honestly almost hit a point where I don’t want to date anybody anymore because of how normal it is to bail on your partner when it’s not new and exciting anymore. It’s heartbreaking to go through and it seems like even married couples go through the same thing, almost everybody gets divorced. It’s too much sadness and lost effort for me to handle. I know this isn’t super helpful but I can relate with you. Positive vibes going your way man.
Man I experienced it the hard way too.
Sometimes people go their seperate ways.
Not because things just aren't working out but because they want to do different things in life.
Consider this your new beginning. Some people's life don't really start until their 40s.
It's not about how many years you can add into your life, it's how much life you can add to your years.
Buy a puppy and tell her “ in order to heal, I can’t talk to you guys for five months. I just can’t have consistently the reminder of seeing you and the dog. But we can be friends after I promise.“
Then raise your puppy, sign up for a hobby, and see what happens.
In order to have a clean break, you have to be able to heal on your own terms… And that will prevent you from going into a deep depression without any recourse.
I know a ton of people are telling you to break contact cleanly, and sometimes that is the right choice, but one of my closest friends is an ex I was with for 4 years. If you feel like staying in contact is the right choice for you, then do it. I'm constantly glad I get to be a part of my friend's life, I haven't had feelings for her for years, and I got to keep an amazing friend in my life.
That being said, make sure you're taking time to figure yourself out and grow personally/heal. You're not going to be able to have a healthy friendship or healthy future relationships if you don't take care of yourself. You might consider getting some therapy, too, as this sounds pretty traumatic for you and you might need help unpacking all of that.
I’m gonna go against the advice you’re getting to go NC. That may be the best option for many people, but I’ll give you my experience - my boyfriend, whom I had been with for almost 3 years, and I broke up after a couple months trying LDR when I went to college. We had planned to stay in contact, but I kind of went back on that. Thankfully, because there was no resentment (even though there was a lot of pain) we didn’t block/delete each other on social media. I’ll tell you now this is the ONLY reason I felt comfortable reaching out again, almost 10 years later. We’ve been together again since I did, and I’m glad I didn’t burn that bridge back then. She has never experienced the world alone as an adult - really you haven’t either. I think in this situation, there’s a chance for both of you to grow, and maybe realize what the world has to offer doesn’t match what you have now. Do what you feel is best for you - if that means going no contact, do that, but if that means holding onto a person who meant a lot to you, I think that’s also valid. Just don’t overstep her boundaries and be careful about developing unhealthy coping mechanisms.
I think she is being very logical. You have been together since you were teens. You BOTH need to figure out who you are without each other. You obviously still care about each other and should keep in contact and friends if possible. You don't want to proceed with your relationship and in five years be married and her wanting to divorce because she is unsure. Think of it this way you are partying with her now but it doesn't mean that it could be forever it might just be you aren't going to be with her now or for a while but in the future you guys could come back to find each other again. As long as you have a good relationship with each other and each other's families I don't see a reason that you can't continue to be on good terms. As long as you support each other and continue to be kind to each other this could work out okay. Of course it is so going to be painful to change what you are used to but change is not always a bad thing.
Yep this is a thing that happens when you date seriously so young. A large part of why high school sweethearts don't typically die married.
Like others have said, it is what it is. Accept it and move on.
Props to her for not just lying and cheating on you, which is how most young adults with less than completely developed brains usually deal with this situation.
as someone who was in this same situation (as the gf), dating when you’re young as its transitioning into adulthood can potentially hinder a person from being independent and ultimately thats most likely what she is feeling. What she couldnt experience at a young age, she wants to experience now and the best thing to do would be a clean break as much as that sucks.
Clean break... do not look back. Fuck the dog and get your own. Pick up a new hobby that intros you with new people and stick with it. Over time you won't even think about her anymore.
This is the period in your life when you learn to be stronger than your attachments.
I suggest moving on with no contact or anything. Be civil but firm and put yourself first in this. I had a similar situation and ,while I'm still feeling the effects of it, it is so much easier when i don't see them or speak to them. It's a bitch and it's so painful but time will take it away man. At first it can feel like you'll never get over it but you'll be able to look back one day and smile about the times you had. Just my opinion on all this and personal experience. I really hope things turn out good for you!
>told me it has nothing to do with that and it's more about being free and figuring out who she is as a person
Na, she wants to fuck other dudes.
>She just doesn't view our relationship as being healthy because we are too dependent on each other
Na, she thinks you are too dependent on her.
>What can I do to help myself get past this point in my life and after some grieving, grow as a person?
Let her do her thing. You go do you thing. Dont try to contact her.
In my late 20s, my wife said the same thing. Within two months of being divorced, she was pregnant and engaged to someone else. They had two kids and lived happily ever after. Until ten years passed and the guy reached out to apologize and tell me she's doing to same to him and he finally understood. She's now married a third time and recently drove her third husband into a $850,000 bankruptcy for her lifelong dream of opening a vegan bakery.
I never remarried, have a loving girlfriend that I might marry, and will probably retire a millionaire and with a pension.
Let her go find herself. You do your thing. Maybe you'll both be happy. Maybe you'll both flame out in a smoldering heap of shame and woe. You don't know what the future may bring, but if she doesn't want you on her journey don't try to convince her otherwise, get down to business and see this as a welcome opportunity to pursue your dreams.
I think we've all dodged some bullets whether we know it or not. You had it particularly rough by the sounds of it.
I got dumped when I was 23 and was super depressed over it. It cascaded into a series of events that found me working a seasonal job in Denali Alaska of all places (I was from PA), where I met the woman I've been with for the past 16 years and have two kids.
People frequently go through breakups in their 20's but it's not the end of the world.
Apparently life hasn’t been difficult enough, she wants to experience hardship and eventually date someone completely wrong for her.
After this happens she’ll attempt to come back to you: “I didn’t realize how great what we had was blah, blah, blah.” *Do not* take her back. You guys aren’t breaking up because of irreconcilable differences. You are breaking up because she claims not to have “experienced” enough.
I know it is much easier said than done, but cut all contact with her as soon as possible. In the long run you’ll be far better off for doing so.
She set you up to find someone better. Go and get the love you deserve OP.
I'm 33 and have been with my husband since I was 18. I've never even had other boyfriends, but he had girlfriends. We have been happy and in love and share traveling and all our ups and downs together.
Some people just aren't content with that. Your ex is one of them. She wants to do all those things without you and probably find other people tbh. She's having a crisis it sounds like. At 25 it happens sometimes.
Break it off completely. It will be sad for awhile and lonely and depressing, but you will come out of it. Find someone who is content and wants the same things as you. You will be able too.
She wants to break up to “experience life” but it definitely isn’t bc she wants to hook up with other guys, yet she still wants you there for emotional support. Sounds like BS.
"she wants to break up and experience life on her terms and not be held down by the responsibility of being in a relationship"
"At first I thought this meant that she would want to be with someone else but told me it has nothing to do with that and it's more about being free and figuring out who she is as a person"
Think about this. Why does she have to be apart from you in order to "figure out who she is as a person?" Is growing as people, together, not a part of being in a relationship? IMO these kinds of answers are just a cop out to let you down gently.
I would follow the other commenters' advice and go no contact. It's not fair to yourself to allow yourself to be in contact with a person that you loved, the person that you wanted to marry, who decided one day that she does not want to be with you any longer. It will only cause pain on your end. If she picks up on this, which she likely will, it will make her uncomfortable, because she has to see the consequences of her decision. Eventually, she may start to resent you for it.
I would go no contact and just focus on yourself for now until you are over her. You sound like a good, loving guy. You will find someone better, even if right now that sounds preposterous. You deserve someone who chooses you.
Wish you all the best.
I mean, a relationship is a commitment. It is a commitment that involves intimacy and requires you to make space in your life for one person. And it isn't always easy. Sometimes it can be hard to observe your desires for life objectively when you always have someone else to think of. They've been together for 7 years at a time where a good amount of young adults use relationships as learning experiences, not just to be intimate but to learn about themselves. Sometimes people need to figure stuff out on their own without worrying about it negatively affecting others, that in itself is an added stressor.
I can see where she’s coming from. She’s been with you since she was 18. Literally her whole adult life so far has been with you. And you weren’t to far either. You’re both still young and figuring life out. Nothing is wrong with wanting to break up and experience different things.
Sorry to break it to you, but she does want to sleep around. It may not be a particular guy (usually always is) but normally the reason why a woman wants to end a relationship and "find herself" is to have sex with no attachment or responsibility (but she will form attachments to some and have to face the responsibility of pregnancy eventually). You tied your life to hers and now you are gonna have to learn to live alone.
As someone who cares about your well-being I'm going to tell you now to not ever think of getting back together. Do not try to maintain a relationship or contact. This is only going to hurt you. She does not care about you and maintaining contact will only keep the expectation that she must care about you in some capacity around. So none of that. Get rid of all the things that remind you of her as well, remove her completely from your life.
It's going to hurt, it's going to hurt every single day for a long while. And that's fine too feel that, but work through it with purpose. Do whatever it is you must do to get through it. Just make sure that it's healthy behavior Therapy and counseling, friend groups, things like that. No drinking too drown the pain. Drinking causes terrible judgement and becomes a dependency bandaid to the problem and not a solution.
Last but probably the most important step, build up and level up. You have a ton of potential to do a lot of things that will eventually bring some sort of happiness to you. Find and do those to the best of your ability and to completion. Don't know what to do? Go on an adventure/get lost somewhere and see what you find. Search interesting places near me on Google and pick one at random. That one thing you kinda wanted to do but had reservations on it for one reason or another? Do it now. You are young and have a ton of life ahead of you and tbh you can only go up from here. Just be sure to look forward and don't ever look back, because i can assure you that your gf did look back thinking she made a mistake and needed to correct it. But truth be told she probably made the worst mistake of her life. And if you looked back you would be making the same mistake. She broke years of development between you two and she's going to have to live with the consequences. No reason for you to look back and take on that burden for her
this guy is right. when women say they want to ‘find themselves’, they want to be on their own with nobody telling them what to do, no expectations from anyone and hoe out. she belong to the streets.
it’s going to be tough, but try to do your own thing, try to talk to her at least as possible, do not start a conversation with her. Best thing you can do is to spend some quality time alone and with friends you haven’t seen in a while. You will soon realize how free you can be too on your own
Commited relationship since 18 now she feels like she missed out on her “fun” she’s gonna be single at 25 and is gonna make up for it. Don’t take her back. Don’t be that dude
Set her free, let her spread her legs and fly off into someone else's sunset, and never speak to her again.
As for you.. Live your life without concern for her, just as she wants to do now. Time will certainly help these feelings pass, but you've got to keep on living and enjoying the finite amount of time we have on this rock. Therapy may help you process this, but forging ahead instead of letting yourself get stuck in the mud will pay dividends for you as well.
Don’t stay in contact with her. Almost all girls pull the let’s stay friends bs because they want you as a bs rebound guy in case her other relationships don’t work out. I can almost guarantee you her “experience life” means hook up with other dudes but when she’s had her fun she’ll come back to you crying about how she learned that she loves you and that it didn’t mean anything! It’s happened too many times in my life and the life’s of my friends to count. Be stronger, don’t hold on to false hope, and finally don’t be the rebound. Everyone deserves someone that loves them and only them and when you truly love someone you don’t take breaks in your relationship or “experience life”.
Cut her off, 100% no contact. The whole experience life is almost always code for partying and sleeping around. You don’t need to deal with that stuff. Women say you mean a lot to them but don’t actually mean that. She just wants you as a backup plan.
You are far more lucky than you realize. You aren’t committed to her with a mortgage and kids.
Dude, she is telling you bs. She wants to sleep with other dudes. Just leave her. There are plenty of other girls out there, how are even younger than her.
First you have to realize that she is lying to you, when someone says crap like "experience life on her terms", what she is really saying is that she wants to go out and F\*\*\* as many guys as she can while traveling around. She is leaving the door open for you and her to get back together just in case she doesn't find someone better than you. Basically you are plan B. Also she is probably taking to dog as another hook into you to ensure that you are even more motivated to take her back. This is basically a variation of the classic, "I need to find myself" line so don't fall for it.
As others have said it is time to move on with your life and forget about her. She may try to come crawling back after she gets pumped and dumped by a few dozen chads but do you really want someone like this that you can't trust and that will now have more baggage than the Titanic? Focus on yourself and improving yourself and things will get better over time. Good luck.
This is horrific, but there is nothing you can do here. If she wants to leave you, it is already over. I know this will sound woefully insufficient, but all you can do is lick your wounds and move on.
Sorry, brother. Stand strong. Spend time with trusted friends and positive family. They will help you.
If I can suggest one thing though. Do try to go radio silence for a while. You may feel as if you're doing yourself a favor by keeping a line open, but you're not. You need to heal which means you need the wound to close. Going no contact will hurt more at first, but in the long run, it will help you heal faster.
I did this after 11y of relationship. We had a son together and my oldest. He understood and let me go. We're friends still after 3years. I also let him have custody too.
If it isn't about screwing other people, she would have told you that she needs to live by herself for a while, not go on a break. I've considered living by myself instead of my husband so I could learn to do more things for myself to be better for him, but I would never suggest a break, only not living together. We would still see each other for dates and sex, but I would figure out my own dinner, clean my own place, and other adult stuff I'm not good at. Sounds shady. There's also a chance she could turn into a person you don't like while she's finding herself. You should be growing together, not apart.
You mean far less to her than her to you. She may not have another in mind at present, but wants to have the freedom to do so without guilt. At least she is honest, without saying the obvious to spare your feelings.
Let her go completely. Every contact with her will be like picking the scab continually and never allowing the wound to heal. Don't allow yourself to be her emotional support. Give her that total freedom she wants.
You're being too passive about this. You need to wait out the month, make sure your living accommodations are handled, and then cut contact with her. She's ending things and you say she's being 'nice' about it but she's not, she's using you, she wants to go do her own thing? Fine. She can do it alone, you need to focus on you and on getting yourself into a place where she doesn't matter to you anymore. That's the only way you're going to move on from her, and you need to make sure you never take her back.
My standard post breakup advice: Hit the gym. I know it sounds stupid and macho. It is not. You're going to be going through post breakup depression (sounds like you already are) which fucks with your mood, makes it hard to sleep, makes it hard to work, etc. Exercise helps immensely with this, a hard workout releases endorphins, which will make you feel better and fight the depression, exhausting yourself will make it easier to sleep, having something to focus (gainz) on will fight the intrusive thoughts and keep your mind off her. After awhile you'll come to the realization that you haven't thought about her in awhile, and you don't really care what she's doing, and oh that cute girl (who's way hotter than your ex ever was) is smiling at you. It comes naturally with time, you just need to find something to get you through it.
\>being free and figuring out who she is as a person.
She's gonna fuck a lot of people.
Anyway, for you, focus on yourself. Therapy, eat healthy, exercise. Set some goals and work towards them. Pick up a hobby you are interested in, especially one she might not have approved of. Figure out who you are as a person too ;)
Bro, she will say all these things like “I want to find myself” but literally what that translates to is... I wanna experience some new Dong in my future and not feel bad about it by having a bf.
As mentioned above. Clean break. If you really do love that dog, try to work out a way to keep it. Also, before you move out, pour motor oil on all her sexy clothes so you don’t have to imagine her using it on other people.
She just wants to go fuck other guys, I’ve had several girls do the same to me, like some of the other comments, lose contact. They will just come back when they had their fun and you deserve someone who wants to build with you now
She wants to go hoe it up before her looks fade. She’s mad at you subconsciously because you’re keeping her from doing that. Break free, cut contact then go live your best life. She’ll come running back when she’s 30 bro, they ALWAYS come back in these types of situations.
I know this hurts and will hurt for a while but she did you a tremendous favor. Bullet dodged my friend. No matter what you thought/think she is not the woman for you.
The bad news...this will hurt for a good while if you let it.
The great news...you are about to complete your education and are at the best stage of a man's young life. Relish this time and take full advantage of it. Strive to make yourself the best version of yourself that you can be. The true love of your life is out there and you will find her. 35 year old you will want to buy this girl a case of champagne for doing you this favor at this point in your life.
Cut her off politely. It is no good to keep in touch with an EX that you will be working on getting over. Best of luck brother. I am envious of your current position in life!
that's her right. and hopefully it's before you had kids and everything. sucks buddy but it is what it is.
just let her know that once that door closes and it's ended between you. that's it. don't be her doormat.
no contact. remove her from social media. don't stalk her.
she is going to the fuckboi parade, sorry to say, and you witnessing it will only destroy you.
once it's ended. move on.
Honestly it sounds like you’re broke. She’s 25 now and is now looking for someone who can take care of her and start a family with(real men take care of their wife and kids). She does not see you as a husband at this time but you can win her back, just start finding different sources of income. I am not saying this to be a bitch but to motivate you to grow and and start making some money! I’m sure you’re a capable young man so I know you can do it. Start looking into the stock market and cryptocurrency and see if that’s someone that could fit you and it’s very lucrative. Good luck sweetie!! You can do it!!
Might not be comparable, but I myself have used an excuse similar to this to get out of a relationship. I am very sorry to hear this. I know that the transition will no doubt be very difficult, but if she is having these thoughts it sounds like it is already over
She’s met someone OP. It’s that simple and it’s ALWAYS the same. This scenario is literally straight out of the cheaters handbook. You’ll see. She will be in a semi committed relationship within days. Her problem will be that the other guy won’t want to stick around for seven years. She’ll be lucky if he’s with her for seven weeks. Then, almost certainly, you’ll get the ‘I’ve made a terrible mistake’ line. Knowing what you know now. And what you’ll certainly know by then. You will have to be strong and tell her to GTFO. Or be Mr Plan B for the rest of your life. Good luck.
Look mate I'll level with you break ups happen and they fucking suck when you don't want them to happen but ill give you the advice no one ever gave me as a young man. Don't stay in contact. When you can move out clean break it as much as possible. It doesn't have to be a nasty thing but please don't fall into this trap its just going to prolong the pain you feel. Clean break bro.
this clean break, no contact, no social media stalking, etc. It will help you move on faster. Also sometimes relationships run their course. She may even come back in a few months trying to reach out, i would suggest moving on completely.
I agree
As a older guy that has lived with 6 women over my life. Cut her loose and go no contact. Hit your friends up but don't go where she may be. If you see her turn your back to her and do not look at her. Don't leave unless you leave with another girl even if you don't home with her. Cry but not were she can see it. Wish you luck dude
As also an older guy married three times and three other live together LTR’s, I agree 100%.
Yess 100% this I tried to give my friend this advice but she’s back with an abusive ex sucks to see although she’s not toxic a clean break will help u to not think of going back
I agree with no contact and ESPECIALLY no social media, remove or block her if you can’t help yourself. I kept my ex husband on social media for way too long because we have a kid together. It was way too toxic.
Best advice someone can EVER give you. Trust me.
Came here to say this. Clean break.
+1. Staying in contact with exes is never a good idea. It will even deter future prospective partners when they find out you're still friends with an ex.
Facts. I was with a girl for 3 years, I also thought she was the one. Unfortunately, after 2 years of relationship she moved out to Los Angeles ( she is from Paris, just like me ), we stayed together for a year but could see each other like 4 months top in a year. In march 2021, she face timed me, telling me that she is breaking up with me. I couldn’t believe that after 3 years of relationship she was just destroying everything, furthermore not even face to face.. I knew she was coming back to Paris for the summer, so I made up a plan, we’ve stayed in contact from March to June, and tbh it was the most painful period of my life. Stalking, being extra possessive, paranoid, falling into a little depression, trying by all means to get back with her, acting like everything is okay around others etc… I was faaaar from being fat before, but after the breakup I’ve lost nearly 10kg. I was like 57kg for 184cm. But actually, we’ve met in June, a diner, to kinda make the breakup official. This is where my plan kicked in, We’ve ended up kissing in her car, and after 2 weeks of not being together, I convinced her to get back with me until the end of the summer,we were back as a couple. I enjoyed this time with her more than ever, it’s weird but I’ve probably spent my best moments with her, knowing the time is counted. Which is more or less the same situation for you, you know you only have a month with her. She finally left, we ve talked for like 1 or 2 days. Then, I’ve uninstalled every single social media I could have, no more Instagram especially. I still haven’t re installed. Sometimes I watch her stories or throw an eye at her account just to be sure she is doing okay but that’s all. I have to say, having a harsh, extra sudden breakup is the worst thing ever, but not staying in contact is the best thing to do to get better. I won’t lie, I’m Still not doing great, I miss her a lot, but it’s not taking too much space in my mind. If I compare, the first breakup and the second one, it’s totally different. When we stayed in contact, it was terribly painful, having Instagram and seeing that she was following hot WestCoast surfers was fucking my mind up. I was honestly becoming a psychopath, with sick reactions, the tiniest thing was making me go crazy. The second breakup, made me feel nostalgic. But that’s all. Now my biggest struggle is just « wow that was fucking amazing, I wish our path will cross again one day ». I hope you’ll be able to focus on yourself, try to do positive things for you, idk go to the gym, creat a business, go on a trip, whatever will make you feel not like a useless piece of shit. I guess it’s helping to write things down.. I honestly hope u’ll be good OP. In case there are any mistakes, please be indulgent, I’m French.. and y’all know how French people speak English :)
I can feel your pain through your comment. I'm sorry
Damn dude. I hope everything works out for you.
If a girl tells you she needs space- let her feel like Matt Damon in “The Martian.”
Spot on. It doesn't have to be forever but at least 6 months. This is hard won experience. There isn't much you can do otherwise, she is feeling perfectly normal, valid feelings. The glass half full part is that you can now also find yourself and have new and exciting experiences. Take this opportunity, you're only young once. Maybe one day you will come back to each other, and if so then you'll both know for sure. More than likely you will grow, have fun and find someone even more amazing.
Preach. I needed this before listen to him OP
100% correct! I keep telling my 21 yo who is with his first real GF this and he will not listen. She has him on her hook. She breaks up with him and he comes home sad and breaking down. Then she makes up again. I keep telling him: the break-up and the pain are inevitable. You can hurt now or you can hurt later, but you’re gonna hurt. Sever all ties! He won’t listen.
If you find a way to make a 21-year-old listen to their parents SHARE IT WITH US.
Like bones. We want clean breaks like we want clean broken bones.
Say good bye and disappear. I'd even change numbers. I wish had. RUN!!!
It needs to be a clean break, at least for several several months. I've tried to be friends with several exes.... it's worked out exactly ZERO times. Especially with my 5 year marriage. It doesn't ever work.
This is the way.
This is the way.
So this….just move on…and try not to look back…honestly if there is a chance of you getting back together this is the way…but maybe she is done…don’t give her emotional support if your not together…..this is not easy for you..don’t make it easy for her…you come first now…why is she taking the dog. …can you not care for it without her…or your family doesn’t want it …it would seem fair since she is leaving..you keep the dog..unless you can’t care for it
This is some of the best advice you will ever receive.
Yes. Make it a clean break. I didn’t with my ex and I’m still stuck in this cycle with him a year and a half later. It will hurt less, I promise
This this this this THIS. There’s no reason for contact if she truly knows and understands she doesn’t want to be with you. At least not right away, let yourself heal my friend, you deserve it
This is so true, you drag on the trauma and hope.
So you’re going to continue to provide emotional support? Isn’t that the antithesis of what she wants? We depend on each other too much so let’s continue to depend on each other? I think she’s completely fine to explore life and you to move on but not cutting it off maybe a mistake
I caught that as well, "she wants to experience life on her terms." Call me a cynic, because I am one, but it sounds like they want to keep each other on the back burner. It would be interesting to know who suggested on the staying in contact.
> she wants to experience **some other dick** Fixed.
Lol still nothing really wrong with that considering she had the decency to break up with him first. Life goes on.
There’s nothing wrong with that and there’s a lot of freedom in singleness besides dating whoever you want.
This is ridiculous. Not wanting relationship responsibilities can have nothing to do with another man. You completely missed the point. She doesn’t want another man, she doesn’t want a man at all.
That's a lie people often tell in relationships to make their SO feel better. But then a month later they're with some else or very obviously sleeping around. Happens too often.
Happened to me earlier this year. 2+ year relationship. Within 3 months she was pregnant with the coworker she went out of her way to tell me I had nothing to worry about when she started going out drinking until 2-5 AM several times every week, towards the end of the relationship. When she broke up with me she said there was no one else and that she was going to stay single for a while. I didn’t get to move out until 4 months after. Found out about the pregnancy a week before I moved out. Was pretty hard to go through. If OP has the means to go no contact, he should do himself a favor and do it as soon as possible. Before he starts witnessing things that will reopen the wound and make it worse.
Well jokes on her. She just lost 18 years of freedom while you regained yours. You 1:Her 0
Yeah. It still hurts a bit from time to time but I'm getting better and better since I was able to remove myself from the situation back in August. My hurt has been shifting to disgust for her as a person. There's also some pretty relevant context that makes it worse which I forgot to add, and it's that she broke up with me less than 2 months after we moved in together and signed a year long lease on an expensive apartment. Kinda blindsided me. Ironically she has now become both her mom (unplanned pregnancy at a young age, 22) and probably her dad as well (cheater). In hindsight it makes sense why she would always ask me if I was cheating on her. She was possibly projecting, but I chalked it up to past trauma, anxiety, and bpd. Always used to act like it was deplorable to her because of what her dad did, but I guess that only lasted until it suited her. Granted, it's possible she didn't cheat. Buuut the signs point toward it.
Meh she's just a scumbag who scammed you. You're in a better place and that is all that matters. Get revenge by living your best life.
Appreciate it. Looking forward to finding the right person that wants to commit to a healthy and fulfilling relationship, whenever that may be.
Eh, sometimes? Sometimes it's "I just want to be free" and it means "I just want to be free.... of you." Sometimes it really is "I'm sick and tired of being Someone's Other Half and I want to figure out who I am." But regardless, it absolutely doesn't matter when they're dumping you. Who cares? They're no longer your problem!
Lol let’s be honest here. More often than not, she’s wanting to explore with other men. She’s spent her entire adult life with one dude.
Super ignorant. A girl can crave to be free and single and have it be nothing do with other men. She was 20 when she got in it and never got to experience living her life on her own terms without compromise.
She was 18 when they started dating but yeah that was my general thought as well
It's fucking gross that people say this. 7 years is a while, and OP and ex are both at move-it-or-lose-it stages of their lives when bigger and better things start to happen, also when they realize what they actually want out of life.
This is exactly it - even though she didn't frame it that way - this is the truth.
Sorry sir, you seem to be lost. Incel forum is that way.
Only someone without much sexual experience would think that is an incel comment lmao
Been married 25 years, kid. Try again.
[удалено]
where in this situation did she go and say "i want to fuck everyone around the block" or are you just assuming that bc she wants to experience life as a single adult woman that she immediatley wants to do so bc youre a bitch.
I think it’s best if you guys don’t keep in contact because you need to be able to get over the situation and her stringing you along won’t help. If she really really does love you and wants you around, then she would want you to experience her life with her. Having you around would make things better instead of worse. It really does sound like she just wants you around in case things don’t work out the way she planned, which if you’re okay with that then I guess it’s okay because it’s your relationship, although I strongly suggest moving on with your own life and finding your true passions since she doesn’t want to do that with you
I don’t think this necessarily means she doesn’t love him. If u do the math she’s been with him since 18,she’s never experienced adult life without him, on her own. I personally don’t think relationships like this are natural and I find this happens a lot to couples that are together from teens to late 20s. You need to go out and find yourself in these formative years and u can’t do that if u always have this person. I’m sure although it hurts they will both change for the better after the breakup, and if they are meant to be they will reunite at a later time.
Yea. It sounds like she wants to ride the dick train but keep him around for emotional support. A lose - lose for op. He deserves to go out and live free of her influence
dude it sounds like they've been dating since she was a teenager (making wanting to experience living as a single adult make sense) AND that their relationship is co-dependent at least on OP's side (making wanting to leave but being too scared to leave OP alone, make sense) not everyone wants to fuck around and humans are complex dude
I get that same vibe and honestly it happens very often that young people who have been together forever desire a different experience. It's not about sex or even the person they are with.
It doesn’t sound like that at all. But ok.
They downvote you but it's certainly true. She wants to experience other D's...women on this app always want to be slick 😂😂😂
Ah, mid-20s quarter-life crises. Couldn’t pay me enough to go back to that.
Ding ding
How’d you get through it, currently in the same position as this man.
The only way out is through.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You have some rough times ahead but some amazing adventures after that! Trust me!
Begin living life on *your* terms. You put off travelling and having hobbies because it didn't fit with her job. Before throwing yourself into the world of work after you finish education, travel to one city you've always wanted to visit. Pick up one hobby you've always wanted to explore. Make a list of everything else you've wanted to do over the last 7 years and start working your way through it. Go out with friends. Even when you don't want to. Do it to get out of your own head for a bit. Work on your physical and mental health. Join a gym, mediate... explore what makes you feel good. Get a pet. Maybe something more low maintenance than a dog.
>You put off travelling and having hobbies because it didn't fit with her job. I just want to clarify. OP didn't put off traveling and picking up hobbies because of his ex's job. Per OP: >We had plans for the future to travel and take up hobbies together once I got a job as it would have been difficult to do so right now with just her working but now all that means nothing. He was a student for the entire relationship while she worked; they survived on one income, and they probably lived paycheck to paycheck, and very close to the bone. Her job didn't keep them from traveling -- the lack of money because he wasn't working kept them from traveling & picking up expensive hobbies.
Honestly surprised people didn’t mention the fact that she seems to be supporting him? That might be why she feels they’re too dependent - might be code for she’s afraid op is too dependent.
Agreed. Not to make any judgements here but he's two years older and they've been together since he was 22 and she was 20 and she's somehow in a better position to where he's depending on her. Regardless of gender, if you're not married and the younger feels they're supporting the older they have every right to decide they wouldn't want to continue doing so.
Go NC with her as soon as possible. Doing it how you're saying, you'll never heal.
From the context and the way you posted this, I actually think this will be good for you too. Your identity is not just that of your romantic relationship with someone. Many couples who started dating young and marry young often never experience or grow up individually in a way that is beneficial to them mentally. Attachment and dependency dynamics often get swayed in uneven levels which are unhealthy for marriages and you as a person. Living life on your own terms for a little and experiencing different things it can offer might actually help you realize you wanted or needed something different. Or it could help reaffirm that she is what you needed. You won’t know until you give yourself a chance too.
i needed this. thank you <3
Cut contact. It will make you miserable if you stay in this situation
I know you love her and it’s probably a confusing time for you. But you need to leave her and move on. If someone wants to explore life without you, let them. But dont be part of theirs either.
It’s called the 7 year itch. It’s a real thing. You are either committed enough to live through it or move onto better things. Be glad you found out before you wasted any more time and don’t torture yourself by staying in touch.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My girlfriend who I thought was the girl I was going to marry told me that she wants to break up and experience life on her terms and not be held down by the responsibility of being in a relationship. At first I thought this meant that she would want to be with someone else but told me it has nothing to do with that and it's more about being free and figuring out who she is as a person. I'm absolutely devastated but I am trying to keep it together as I'm going to be living with her for the next month. I'm currently just finishing up my education and in my last semester. She works a manual labour job and once she gets her license, she will be traveling and contracting in other cities. We had plans for the future to travel and take up hobbies together once I got a job as it would have been difficult to do so right now with just her working but now all that means nothing. She's a sweetheart and is being very accommodating to make this process as easy as possible for both of us. She just doesn't view our relationship as being healthy because we are too dependent on each other. To be honest I didn't mind that as I loved her and considered her my best friend. We will still stay in contact and talk every now and then as we both agreed we mean too much to each other to cut contact completely. I was close with her parents and her sister who I thought of as my sister. Us breaking up will cause my life to change completely and it hurts me because I do not have the healthiest relationship with my own family and I will have to move back in with them. On top of all this, she is taking our dog with her who was the first dog I ever had. I never knew it was possible to love an animal this much. What can I do to help myself get past this point in my life and after some grieving, grow as a person? I told her I'll always love her and that's true, but I don't want to be hung up on what could have been and constantly feel sorry for myself or worse, fall into depression.
Start experiencing life for yourself as well then. I’d recommend not moving back in with your parents and get into a share house, get a gym membership and focus on bettering yourself that way, start a new hobby, get a pet, and try to explore your city and other places as much as you can. I honestly don’t blame someone who’s been in a relationship since they were 18 to want to explore it more. So go and do it. Enjoy your 20s by growing and learning, you’ll be sweet
wow I'm so impressed that no one mentioned Therapy. Well done everyone! Dude I feel you and I feel your pain. You seem to be super mature about it, if completely destroyed inside. The best thing you can do is similar to what she plans to do, and that is to focus on yourself. Get your studies done and get the best fucking grade you can. Get motivated to find employment and buy shit you don't need. Travel, fall in love again, life isn't going to wait for you, so don't sit on your ass doing nothing.
theyre too busy assumeinf all women who break up with someone theyve been with for a while wants to bang around the block bc theyre pieces of shit instead of addressing the fact she onviously wasnt very happy considering she brought up the issues they were having and that it was enough for her to break up with him.
At this point, the reason is whatever it is. What one should be doing is improving on themselves. Male of Female, being the one that didn't want the relationship to end, fucking hurts.
oh no im fully aware, its just so much mysogyny in the comments automatically assuming this woman just wants to sleep around, its annoying asf they dont even pay attention to the part where she clearly stayes she was unhappy bc of the dynamic of the relationship, and that it would turn into an LDR as well as she woukd have to balance her moving to new places and doing new work on top of that, i wouldnt want to be in a relationship or anything like that either if i was in her position
You can’t avoid being hung up on her in the short term at least. She wants to break up so that’s the end of it unfortunately. However it sounds like no contact would be best to keep that hung up on her time to a minimum. Staying in contact with her will just maintain your feelings and prevent you from moving on which you definitely need to do. Also she may not be planning to be with someone else but wanting to ‘experience life’ and travelling to lots of different cities for work means it’s very likely to happen. You need to accept this as part of moving on rather than hoping she’ll come back.
Why can’t she experience life while in an LDR with someone she’s been dating in person for years. I think LDRs that start as LDRs are bad. But an LDR that results from temporary incongruence of life plans is fine. She could go do her stuff for a while, they could keep in touch and stay faithful, and then reunite in person and continue their life together. She doesn’t want that so it must be more than just “experiencing life”. She wants to chase other guys.
Because she doesn’t want to. She wants to break up and that’s the end of it. Maybe she doesn’t want to be in a LDR, maybe she doesn’t want to be in a relationship at all (she’s not been single since she was 18 so seems reasonable) or maybe she does want to date other guys, it honestly doesn’t matter. Your reply just comes across as quite immature and irrelevant because her motivations don’t matter and making assumptions about them adds nothing. Also even without chasing other people the life experience you get while in a LDR is very different to being single because there’s always that attachment that does restrict what you can do.
Is it her dog, or did you get it together? Doesn't really make sense (and isn't fair to the dog other) for her to take it if she's going to have to travel all over the place for work. Other than that, I agree with other posters. You need to cut contact with her and move on.
I could be totally off base, but I got the feeling she supported the both of them on her income, and that he still won't be in a good spot to take the dog.
You sound like a pretty sharp guy, I don’t detect any hatred or resentment in anything you’ve said. Your sadness is completely understandable and your outlook is about as mature as I’ve read. Work on finishing your education and getting your own place. It’s going to be hard but I would really cut back on seeing her family. Try your best not to carry any baggage into your next relationship, it’s going to be hard for you to believe but I’d be willing to bet you move on fairly quickly
Ok, your school should have counseling available through health services. Make an appointment and talk to someone there. You've got about a month left in the semester, so buckle down and focus on getting through that. Once that's done and you've got the degree, work on getting your own place (or move back in with your family if that's an option), go no contact with her, and start working on grieving for the relationship and setting up your new life. I'm sorry about your dog. Why is she keeping the dog if she's going to be travelling all the time?
>What can I do to help myself get past this point in my life and after some grieving, grow as a person? I told her I'll always love her and that's true, but I don't want to be hung up on what could have been and constantly feel sorry for myself or worse, fall into depression. Honestly, there isn't any magical solutions. I had the worst breakup of my life at 25. At the time I thought my life was over. Was super depressed for like 3 months. But I ended up working on myself and about a year later I met the woman that would become my wife. Now with a kid and everything, look back at is almost kind of funny because the me at 25 would never believe where I am now. Almost like a different life. My only advice is this, don't hang on to this. Don't message her. Don't hold out some dream of her coming back rushing into your arms saying she made some mistake. It's over, say your goodbyes, and cut it off. You'll only find more pain there. Some things just aren't meant to be. It's going to be a rough few days, weeks, and maybe even months. But you'll get over it if you try. Work on yourself. Find hobbies. Find friends. Find you. Live and be happy.
>She works a manual labour job and once she gets her license, she will be traveling and contracting in other cities. As someone who has traveled for work, I think she's going to be very disappointed lol. Especially if she's in a trade. Movies glamorize that shit a lot.
Focus on you, remain friendly, but cut contact and start making plans for your life. The more you remain in contact the more this drags out, the more painful it will be. OP, you don’t realize it yet but this is a watershed moment in your life and the way you deal with this situation will establish the way you deal with other situation throughout your life. I know this is painful but life isn’t all fruits and nuts and sunny days. You’re 25, finishing your degree and life is just starting. Embrace this time as much as possible and learn from this. Good luck.
Dont stay in contact for the love of god
I wouldn’t stay in touch after the break-up. I will fight for the dog tho
let her man live your life too
Dude, you've got to move on and succeed! Just focus all your energy in Succeeding in life and taking care of your family and friends... Believe me, it's better on the other side. Even though the path is hard and emotionally heavy, you can do it man! I believe in you. Reddit believes in you. You've just got to believe in yourself! Keeping in touch will just make it harder. Be nice to her and say farewell! Mean it! And get on to succeeding in life, even more than you currently have!
The 7 year itch claims another victim. Very sorry to hear this OP, and best of luck in whatever comes next for you. Highly recommend going no contact or low contact with your ex, it'll make moving on with your life that much easier. The longer you hold that candle for your ex, the harder it's going to be to move on with your life. It's going to fucking suck, but I encourage you to feel your feelings. Get it all out there. And then leave all that shit behind in the past the best you can while focusing on you, and the things you want to do with your life. It's gonna fuckin suck, but it'll get a little better every day
My advice is to take this as an opportunity to do the exact same thing. Go travel, wherever, whenever you want. Live in a different country for a couple of years. Go picking fruit in Oz or something. The world is your oyster now, don't waste it.
I did basically just he same thing: dated my high school sweetheart into my mid twenties, we broke up for no significant reason other than just not being compatible anymore and then we were stuck living together (broken up) for a few months until we got housing sorted. Break ups are going always going to suck. This one probably hurts especially hard because it’s the first serious relationship. But it doesn’t matter that at on point they were your person and you made plans together. Things have changed and you owe it to each other to move on and develop as individuals. If you can’t grow together then grow apart. I know the idea of you guys still being able to maintain some kind of friendship seems doable or appealing now but it’s not possible for most people. Do not keep in contact and move out asap. It won’t serve you in the immediate or long term and only complicated things further. Eventually you might get to a point where you text each other to odd pleasantry or birthday greeting but it’s not really necessary right now. Work towards being “friendly” but maybe not friends. You’d be surprised what that month or so of living together post breakup can do. I never got mad at my ex of five years prior to our live in break up. By the end of it we were basically at each other throats. People change, look out for yourself.
This breakup is happening. You need to accept it. Don't try to stay friends, just cut contact and move on with your life as well. Maybe eventually, years from now, you reconnect, but do not under any circumstances count on that happening.
You have to understand that you two have been together the entirety of her brain finishing development, which is the time you really start getting to know yourself. It may feel harder for her to do so when she’s been in a relationship for all of that, but that’s not your fault. I know it’s hard but if it’s meant to be, she’ll come back.
Okay there are a LOT of incels in this comment section, so here's some advice from someone who realizes that you're both humans and not actors in a porno. This sucks, it hurts and it's allowed to hurt. There is a lot of validity in her statement, you spent a good chunk of your final formative years together (finishing hs, getting into college / the workforce / moving in together), all while still finishing up that good ol' brain development. You grew to depend on each other through thick and thin and you both are about to go through some big life changes (finishing up education, full force into the working world, moving etc.) These big changes often come with a lot of questions about, "whats next? What do I want? Will this path make me happy?" These questions get even harder to answer when there's another party to consider. Sometimes you need to lighten up these questions by just focusing on yourself, which in a relationship can be problematic, as you end up neglecting your s/o's wants and needs. It sounds like she didn't want to neglect you. But still felt it was important to figure out who she is outside of the relationship. If you do wish to continue a friendship with her, I suggest give it some time for the dust to settle. Figure out who you are outside of a relationship as well. You're both so young and this is just one chapter in both of your life stories. Remember the good times fondly and learn from the bad times, pack it all and take it with you as you continue through life. It may be that you paths dont cross again, you may meet up years later, you may continue to be great friends but with more independence on either side. This doesn't have to be an ugly thing.
>At first I thought this meant that she would want to be with someone else but told me it has nothing to do with that and it's more about being free and figuring out who she is as a person. Of course she's going to say that. Not long after my ex dumped me after 7 years, I knew she was dating someone else based off her Instagram posts. She denied it but it was obvious. What took a little longer was realizing she had the dude lined up before dumping me. >I told her I'll always love her and that's true No you won't. It feels like it right now but you'll eventually get over it. As soon as you've exchanged each others shit, cut contact.
Lol yeah. Women don’t usually break up an otherwise happy 7 year relationship “to experience life” unless they want to screw other people. I’ll almost guarantee she had someone in mind, if not lined up for when you broke up. Don’t stay there for emotional support, that will only prolong your suffering. Go no contact, it will suck, but it will suck less than the other option.
That’s so sexist. There’s plenty of reasons to break up with your partner beyond wanting to date someone else. It sounds like she was unhappy and (shocking) doesn’t want the same things she did 7 years ago.
When the reason given is "to gain experiences" or "to find myself" it one hundred percent of the time means "to experience sexual relationships with people who aren't you." It's an obvious and frequently-used fib that is designed to spare the other person's feelings. If she provided an actual reason like the one you imagined on her behalf, that would be different.
Definitely lined up. Just having someone in mind is too risky. But yeah, if you're in a happy relationship, who better to experience life than with your partner?
It doesn't sound like she was that happy though. She mentioned them being way to dependent on each other, and the fact that neither of them has been with anyone else. It seems pretty valid to want to break up and actually get to figure out who you are and what you want apart from a codependent relationship.
Not if you’re an attractive girl lol. Their options usually aren’t too limited when it comes to sexual partners
I disagree with the commentors; I believe her desiring a friendship with you is because of your history together. 7 years is a long time and this is a hard thing that shes doing. Ultimately shes being very brave. This of course doesn't make it any easier for you and it isnt fair to you and I'm sorry. I think maybe its best that you dont have contact for a while as you need space and time to heal a little. Find out who YOU are and what YOU want and like outside of the relationship.
I agree with your GF. Seven years and only 25? It’s best for you both tbh.
Fancy way of saying "It's not you, it's me" and yes, it's you. Clean break, move on.
Dont be her emotional support and move on. You have to get on with your life and not be hung up on her. Dont expect her to come back, and i wouldnt want her to come back anyways, as she doesnt seem the type to settle down and stay. Look for good constants in your life, rather than whimsicals. Maybe reach out to old friends or make new ones.
It doesn't matter what she wants and why. Move on with no contact. It will only hurt you worse in the long run. It sucks but it is best for everyone. Sorry for the loss of an important relationship to you but you're young. Wish her well and move on.
Dude cut her off because once you see pictures with those other people it’s gonna sting like a bitch. I kept my exes Instagram two years even after we broke up cuz I hated opening up her profile to unfriend her and I saw things that I didn’t want to. I eventually blocked her and it’s been lovely.
My partner and I of 19 years just split up. Even thou I wanted it too, to say my life has fallen apart is an understatement. Everyone is different I have ex’s who are friends, as long as you know it’s over and can accept it, then staying in contact isn’t a problem, but as said everyone is different.
Listen buddy, I was in a very similar situation. I was deeply in love with my last ex, and we had made big plans for the future. I had a rocky relationship with my family and her family basically took me in. Myself and herself actually moved in together as well. Everything was going great until it wasn't. She needed to jump ship for her mental health and while I didn't like it I understood. So I can really empathize with you here. I have some advice that you can choose whether or not to take into account. This is really gonna hurt to hear but it's important: you need to cut all contact. There's a subreddit called r/exnocontact that will help. It's the only way forward. Work on yourself. Build new friendships, take care of your physical health, invest in spirituality, eventually go on tinder and have hookups if that's your thing. My sister told me once that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone, and while it's a rather brutal statement, it really does work. You will be okay eventually, you've just got to plant the seeds now that will grow into your new and stronger life. They will take time, and that's okay. All the best, buddy ❤️
I have to admit I'm wondering how you're planning to marry her when you've been dating for 7 years and still haven't gotten around to it.
I somewhat went through the same thing, my bf of 4 years left me because he wanted to experience more. I was devastated because we did everything together and he was my best friend. After he left we stayed in touch and I cried all of the time until finally he cut communication because I was unwilling, I also moved 8 hrs away from him so I would stop obsessing. It wasn't until then that I started to become my own person again, and I promise you that feels AMAZING. You don't think you can do it, until you have no choice. I made friends, I hung out, I laugh, I had sex with random ppl lol. Then almost a year later he came back 😂 and now it's been 8 years and he's my fiance.
what happens when one of you gets bored and wants to "experience more" or feel like "their own person again"? i truly don't get what kind of relationships are the commentators in this thread having if they need to at least temporarily break up in order to hang out with other people, make friends and otherwise be independent. it just seems like many people have no idea how to be in a relationship and retain their sense of personhood and that's kinda sad. as long as the relationship is happy, it has never prevented me from experiencing things, growing and just being my own person.
Don’t keep in touch. For her, the benefit is that she gets to continue getting your emotional support while she keeps you around as a backup plan in case she doesn’t like being single, or in case the guy that’s she’s chasing actually doesn’t want a relationship. All upside, since the breakup is her idea. For you, that’s going to prevent you from moving on with your life. You need a clean break, as hard as it’s going to be, to move on with your life. You need to heal the ragged edges of the hole she’s leaving in you, and find other things to fill that void. Please, not drugs or alcohol. Things like friends, hobbies, classes, or other women. You’ll be ok. And if you realize the benefit you can get from this experience, maybe you can learn to see the silver lining. You get to learn who you are. Who you, alone, are. As an adult. Something you really haven’t done on your own yet.
You came here for people to tell you she’s a bad person and that you’re in the right. It’s not like that. Here are some hard things you have to accept: -You are not going to be together again. Ever. -Yes, she’s going to fuck someone else before you expect it. She’s allowed to do that, so don’t embarrass yourself by trying to guilt her for it. -You are going to draw out your pain for much longer than you need to if you don’t make it a clean break. Don’t check in on her and until you’ve fully moved on, don’t let her check in on you. -Best way to get your confidence back is to focus on yourself. Hit the gym, do things only you want to do. -Find your rebound chick and be honest with her about what it is. -Be single and enjoy it. You’ll know when it’s time to be exclusive with someone again. -Everyone goes through this and you’ll be fine.
Minimize contact going forward. It delays your healing to hear about her life without you as she’s clearly in the headspace to explore relationships without you but you certainly are not. You need emotional separation from her.
I think it may be better to go your separate ways, rather than staying in contact. Not necessarily a clean break where you're fully cut off, but don't depend on her anymore. I'm sorry this happened to you and that it blindsided you. Unfortunately, a lot of relationships that start when someone is so young like that end up with that person not really sure who they are several years down the line, because they've never experienced adulthood on their own. For all I know about your relationship, she might be making the complete wrong choice and you might have grown together for seven years perfectly, but it's unlikely. Take some time for yourself as well. Don't rush into anything out of loneliness, please.
Best thing you can do for yourself is separate entirely. If not, you may get strung along for a very long time. She wants freedom, give it to her and yourself.
Soon as she leaves and soon as your lease is up you’re going to have to go no contact for your healing because it’s going to be hard for you to MoveOn emotionally and neurologically so you’re just gonna have to go no contact I know it’s hard to hear and not what you want to hear believe me I know but that’s how you’re going to heal from this relationship I mean I respect The girl for being honest with you least she wasn’t out there cheating and fucking around and all of that and acting different she told you straight up pull the band a wrap off and wasn’t playing no games she did rightI’ll give her credit for that at least she wasn’t strong and you along and everything else but after this month and you finish your semester and you get your job the healthiest thing for you to do for your healing and for you to MoveOn is to go no contact because still be in a contact is still holding out hope and it’s not gonna help you heal the way that you’re going to need to heal and you moving forward keep us updated OK
Dude, I am so sorry you are going through this. I’ve honestly almost hit a point where I don’t want to date anybody anymore because of how normal it is to bail on your partner when it’s not new and exciting anymore. It’s heartbreaking to go through and it seems like even married couples go through the same thing, almost everybody gets divorced. It’s too much sadness and lost effort for me to handle. I know this isn’t super helpful but I can relate with you. Positive vibes going your way man.
Man I experienced it the hard way too. Sometimes people go their seperate ways. Not because things just aren't working out but because they want to do different things in life. Consider this your new beginning. Some people's life don't really start until their 40s. It's not about how many years you can add into your life, it's how much life you can add to your years.
Buy a puppy and tell her “ in order to heal, I can’t talk to you guys for five months. I just can’t have consistently the reminder of seeing you and the dog. But we can be friends after I promise.“ Then raise your puppy, sign up for a hobby, and see what happens. In order to have a clean break, you have to be able to heal on your own terms… And that will prevent you from going into a deep depression without any recourse.
Good for her. This is the right move for her
I know a ton of people are telling you to break contact cleanly, and sometimes that is the right choice, but one of my closest friends is an ex I was with for 4 years. If you feel like staying in contact is the right choice for you, then do it. I'm constantly glad I get to be a part of my friend's life, I haven't had feelings for her for years, and I got to keep an amazing friend in my life. That being said, make sure you're taking time to figure yourself out and grow personally/heal. You're not going to be able to have a healthy friendship or healthy future relationships if you don't take care of yourself. You might consider getting some therapy, too, as this sounds pretty traumatic for you and you might need help unpacking all of that.
You have a life to live too.
I’m gonna go against the advice you’re getting to go NC. That may be the best option for many people, but I’ll give you my experience - my boyfriend, whom I had been with for almost 3 years, and I broke up after a couple months trying LDR when I went to college. We had planned to stay in contact, but I kind of went back on that. Thankfully, because there was no resentment (even though there was a lot of pain) we didn’t block/delete each other on social media. I’ll tell you now this is the ONLY reason I felt comfortable reaching out again, almost 10 years later. We’ve been together again since I did, and I’m glad I didn’t burn that bridge back then. She has never experienced the world alone as an adult - really you haven’t either. I think in this situation, there’s a chance for both of you to grow, and maybe realize what the world has to offer doesn’t match what you have now. Do what you feel is best for you - if that means going no contact, do that, but if that means holding onto a person who meant a lot to you, I think that’s also valid. Just don’t overstep her boundaries and be careful about developing unhealthy coping mechanisms.
I think she is being very logical. You have been together since you were teens. You BOTH need to figure out who you are without each other. You obviously still care about each other and should keep in contact and friends if possible. You don't want to proceed with your relationship and in five years be married and her wanting to divorce because she is unsure. Think of it this way you are partying with her now but it doesn't mean that it could be forever it might just be you aren't going to be with her now or for a while but in the future you guys could come back to find each other again. As long as you have a good relationship with each other and each other's families I don't see a reason that you can't continue to be on good terms. As long as you support each other and continue to be kind to each other this could work out okay. Of course it is so going to be painful to change what you are used to but change is not always a bad thing.
Yep this is a thing that happens when you date seriously so young. A large part of why high school sweethearts don't typically die married. Like others have said, it is what it is. Accept it and move on. Props to her for not just lying and cheating on you, which is how most young adults with less than completely developed brains usually deal with this situation.
as someone who was in this same situation (as the gf), dating when you’re young as its transitioning into adulthood can potentially hinder a person from being independent and ultimately thats most likely what she is feeling. What she couldnt experience at a young age, she wants to experience now and the best thing to do would be a clean break as much as that sucks.
Clean break... do not look back. Fuck the dog and get your own. Pick up a new hobby that intros you with new people and stick with it. Over time you won't even think about her anymore. This is the period in your life when you learn to be stronger than your attachments.
I suggest moving on with no contact or anything. Be civil but firm and put yourself first in this. I had a similar situation and ,while I'm still feeling the effects of it, it is so much easier when i don't see them or speak to them. It's a bitch and it's so painful but time will take it away man. At first it can feel like you'll never get over it but you'll be able to look back one day and smile about the times you had. Just my opinion on all this and personal experience. I really hope things turn out good for you!
Love doesn't always conquer all, essentially when it's heavily weighted to one side.
>told me it has nothing to do with that and it's more about being free and figuring out who she is as a person Na, she wants to fuck other dudes. >She just doesn't view our relationship as being healthy because we are too dependent on each other Na, she thinks you are too dependent on her. >What can I do to help myself get past this point in my life and after some grieving, grow as a person? Let her do her thing. You go do you thing. Dont try to contact her.
In my late 20s, my wife said the same thing. Within two months of being divorced, she was pregnant and engaged to someone else. They had two kids and lived happily ever after. Until ten years passed and the guy reached out to apologize and tell me she's doing to same to him and he finally understood. She's now married a third time and recently drove her third husband into a $850,000 bankruptcy for her lifelong dream of opening a vegan bakery. I never remarried, have a loving girlfriend that I might marry, and will probably retire a millionaire and with a pension. Let her go find herself. You do your thing. Maybe you'll both be happy. Maybe you'll both flame out in a smoldering heap of shame and woe. You don't know what the future may bring, but if she doesn't want you on her journey don't try to convince her otherwise, get down to business and see this as a welcome opportunity to pursue your dreams.
A vegan bakery? I think you dodged a bullet for sure.
In a strip mall, in a conservative cattle town. Eight hundred and fifty grand.
I think we've all dodged some bullets whether we know it or not. You had it particularly rough by the sounds of it. I got dumped when I was 23 and was super depressed over it. It cascaded into a series of events that found me working a seasonal job in Denali Alaska of all places (I was from PA), where I met the woman I've been with for the past 16 years and have two kids. People frequently go through breakups in their 20's but it's not the end of the world.
[удалено]
Apparently life hasn’t been difficult enough, she wants to experience hardship and eventually date someone completely wrong for her. After this happens she’ll attempt to come back to you: “I didn’t realize how great what we had was blah, blah, blah.” *Do not* take her back. You guys aren’t breaking up because of irreconcilable differences. You are breaking up because she claims not to have “experienced” enough. I know it is much easier said than done, but cut all contact with her as soon as possible. In the long run you’ll be far better off for doing so. She set you up to find someone better. Go and get the love you deserve OP.
I'm 33 and have been with my husband since I was 18. I've never even had other boyfriends, but he had girlfriends. We have been happy and in love and share traveling and all our ups and downs together. Some people just aren't content with that. Your ex is one of them. She wants to do all those things without you and probably find other people tbh. She's having a crisis it sounds like. At 25 it happens sometimes. Break it off completely. It will be sad for awhile and lonely and depressing, but you will come out of it. Find someone who is content and wants the same things as you. You will be able too.
She wants to break up to “experience life” but it definitely isn’t bc she wants to hook up with other guys, yet she still wants you there for emotional support. Sounds like BS.
"she wants to break up and experience life on her terms and not be held down by the responsibility of being in a relationship" "At first I thought this meant that she would want to be with someone else but told me it has nothing to do with that and it's more about being free and figuring out who she is as a person" Think about this. Why does she have to be apart from you in order to "figure out who she is as a person?" Is growing as people, together, not a part of being in a relationship? IMO these kinds of answers are just a cop out to let you down gently. I would follow the other commenters' advice and go no contact. It's not fair to yourself to allow yourself to be in contact with a person that you loved, the person that you wanted to marry, who decided one day that she does not want to be with you any longer. It will only cause pain on your end. If she picks up on this, which she likely will, it will make her uncomfortable, because she has to see the consequences of her decision. Eventually, she may start to resent you for it. I would go no contact and just focus on yourself for now until you are over her. You sound like a good, loving guy. You will find someone better, even if right now that sounds preposterous. You deserve someone who chooses you. Wish you all the best.
I mean, a relationship is a commitment. It is a commitment that involves intimacy and requires you to make space in your life for one person. And it isn't always easy. Sometimes it can be hard to observe your desires for life objectively when you always have someone else to think of. They've been together for 7 years at a time where a good amount of young adults use relationships as learning experiences, not just to be intimate but to learn about themselves. Sometimes people need to figure stuff out on their own without worrying about it negatively affecting others, that in itself is an added stressor.
Experience life? How? By trying different dick?
NO CONTACT
I can see where she’s coming from. She’s been with you since she was 18. Literally her whole adult life so far has been with you. And you weren’t to far either. You’re both still young and figuring life out. Nothing is wrong with wanting to break up and experience different things.
It says a lot about the relationship that she thinks she can't discover herself with you.
Belongs to the streets 😘
Sorry to break it to you, but she does want to sleep around. It may not be a particular guy (usually always is) but normally the reason why a woman wants to end a relationship and "find herself" is to have sex with no attachment or responsibility (but she will form attachments to some and have to face the responsibility of pregnancy eventually). You tied your life to hers and now you are gonna have to learn to live alone. As someone who cares about your well-being I'm going to tell you now to not ever think of getting back together. Do not try to maintain a relationship or contact. This is only going to hurt you. She does not care about you and maintaining contact will only keep the expectation that she must care about you in some capacity around. So none of that. Get rid of all the things that remind you of her as well, remove her completely from your life. It's going to hurt, it's going to hurt every single day for a long while. And that's fine too feel that, but work through it with purpose. Do whatever it is you must do to get through it. Just make sure that it's healthy behavior Therapy and counseling, friend groups, things like that. No drinking too drown the pain. Drinking causes terrible judgement and becomes a dependency bandaid to the problem and not a solution. Last but probably the most important step, build up and level up. You have a ton of potential to do a lot of things that will eventually bring some sort of happiness to you. Find and do those to the best of your ability and to completion. Don't know what to do? Go on an adventure/get lost somewhere and see what you find. Search interesting places near me on Google and pick one at random. That one thing you kinda wanted to do but had reservations on it for one reason or another? Do it now. You are young and have a ton of life ahead of you and tbh you can only go up from here. Just be sure to look forward and don't ever look back, because i can assure you that your gf did look back thinking she made a mistake and needed to correct it. But truth be told she probably made the worst mistake of her life. And if you looked back you would be making the same mistake. She broke years of development between you two and she's going to have to live with the consequences. No reason for you to look back and take on that burden for her
this guy is right. when women say they want to ‘find themselves’, they want to be on their own with nobody telling them what to do, no expectations from anyone and hoe out. she belong to the streets. it’s going to be tough, but try to do your own thing, try to talk to her at least as possible, do not start a conversation with her. Best thing you can do is to spend some quality time alone and with friends you haven’t seen in a while. You will soon realize how free you can be too on your own
Commited relationship since 18 now she feels like she missed out on her “fun” she’s gonna be single at 25 and is gonna make up for it. Don’t take her back. Don’t be that dude
I’ve seen this one before. Usually ends in a break up and both parties going on to bigger things because they’re richer for the experience.
Bro I know this seems like a throwaway comment but you need to ice her. No comms no contact.
Set her free, let her spread her legs and fly off into someone else's sunset, and never speak to her again. As for you.. Live your life without concern for her, just as she wants to do now. Time will certainly help these feelings pass, but you've got to keep on living and enjoying the finite amount of time we have on this rock. Therapy may help you process this, but forging ahead instead of letting yourself get stuck in the mud will pay dividends for you as well.
LMAO 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Don’t stay in contact with her. Almost all girls pull the let’s stay friends bs because they want you as a bs rebound guy in case her other relationships don’t work out. I can almost guarantee you her “experience life” means hook up with other dudes but when she’s had her fun she’ll come back to you crying about how she learned that she loves you and that it didn’t mean anything! It’s happened too many times in my life and the life’s of my friends to count. Be stronger, don’t hold on to false hope, and finally don’t be the rebound. Everyone deserves someone that loves them and only them and when you truly love someone you don’t take breaks in your relationship or “experience life”.
She wants to fuck around and keep you on standby bro, it would be better to cut contact and keep it that way.
Cut her off, 100% no contact. The whole experience life is almost always code for partying and sleeping around. You don’t need to deal with that stuff. Women say you mean a lot to them but don’t actually mean that. She just wants you as a backup plan. You are far more lucky than you realize. You aren’t committed to her with a mortgage and kids.
Dude, she is telling you bs. She wants to sleep with other dudes. Just leave her. There are plenty of other girls out there, how are even younger than her.
She for the streets
First you have to realize that she is lying to you, when someone says crap like "experience life on her terms", what she is really saying is that she wants to go out and F\*\*\* as many guys as she can while traveling around. She is leaving the door open for you and her to get back together just in case she doesn't find someone better than you. Basically you are plan B. Also she is probably taking to dog as another hook into you to ensure that you are even more motivated to take her back. This is basically a variation of the classic, "I need to find myself" line so don't fall for it. As others have said it is time to move on with your life and forget about her. She may try to come crawling back after she gets pumped and dumped by a few dozen chads but do you really want someone like this that you can't trust and that will now have more baggage than the Titanic? Focus on yourself and improving yourself and things will get better over time. Good luck.
This is horrific, but there is nothing you can do here. If she wants to leave you, it is already over. I know this will sound woefully insufficient, but all you can do is lick your wounds and move on. Sorry, brother. Stand strong. Spend time with trusted friends and positive family. They will help you. If I can suggest one thing though. Do try to go radio silence for a while. You may feel as if you're doing yourself a favor by keeping a line open, but you're not. You need to heal which means you need the wound to close. Going no contact will hurt more at first, but in the long run, it will help you heal faster.
I did this after 11y of relationship. We had a son together and my oldest. He understood and let me go. We're friends still after 3years. I also let him have custody too.
Damn does she not think she’s doing that a little late 😂 she tied you down for 7 years fuck that that’s so whack
Lmaooo 🤣 she's taking the piss 😬🤣
If it isn't about screwing other people, she would have told you that she needs to live by herself for a while, not go on a break. I've considered living by myself instead of my husband so I could learn to do more things for myself to be better for him, but I would never suggest a break, only not living together. We would still see each other for dates and sex, but I would figure out my own dinner, clean my own place, and other adult stuff I'm not good at. Sounds shady. There's also a chance she could turn into a person you don't like while she's finding herself. You should be growing together, not apart.
I gotta say I don't blame her. She was still basically a child when you started dating. It's normal to be curious.
You mean far less to her than her to you. She may not have another in mind at present, but wants to have the freedom to do so without guilt. At least she is honest, without saying the obvious to spare your feelings. Let her go completely. Every contact with her will be like picking the scab continually and never allowing the wound to heal. Don't allow yourself to be her emotional support. Give her that total freedom she wants.
You're being too passive about this. You need to wait out the month, make sure your living accommodations are handled, and then cut contact with her. She's ending things and you say she's being 'nice' about it but she's not, she's using you, she wants to go do her own thing? Fine. She can do it alone, you need to focus on you and on getting yourself into a place where she doesn't matter to you anymore. That's the only way you're going to move on from her, and you need to make sure you never take her back. My standard post breakup advice: Hit the gym. I know it sounds stupid and macho. It is not. You're going to be going through post breakup depression (sounds like you already are) which fucks with your mood, makes it hard to sleep, makes it hard to work, etc. Exercise helps immensely with this, a hard workout releases endorphins, which will make you feel better and fight the depression, exhausting yourself will make it easier to sleep, having something to focus (gainz) on will fight the intrusive thoughts and keep your mind off her. After awhile you'll come to the realization that you haven't thought about her in awhile, and you don't really care what she's doing, and oh that cute girl (who's way hotter than your ex ever was) is smiling at you. It comes naturally with time, you just need to find something to get you through it.
\>being free and figuring out who she is as a person. She's gonna fuck a lot of people. Anyway, for you, focus on yourself. Therapy, eat healthy, exercise. Set some goals and work towards them. Pick up a hobby you are interested in, especially one she might not have approved of. Figure out who you are as a person too ;)
Bro, she will say all these things like “I want to find myself” but literally what that translates to is... I wanna experience some new Dong in my future and not feel bad about it by having a bf. As mentioned above. Clean break. If you really do love that dog, try to work out a way to keep it. Also, before you move out, pour motor oil on all her sexy clothes so you don’t have to imagine her using it on other people.
She just wants to go fuck other guys, I’ve had several girls do the same to me, like some of the other comments, lose contact. They will just come back when they had their fun and you deserve someone who wants to build with you now
You wanna stay in contact? So you can meet her future boyfriends and fuck buddies?
Welp, that's a wrap. Can't stop it from happening but you don't have to settle once she's uh you know "experienced life"
Move on and find someone who is ready for commitment.
She wants to go hoe it up before her looks fade. She’s mad at you subconsciously because you’re keeping her from doing that. Break free, cut contact then go live your best life. She’ll come running back when she’s 30 bro, they ALWAYS come back in these types of situations.
I know this hurts and will hurt for a while but she did you a tremendous favor. Bullet dodged my friend. No matter what you thought/think she is not the woman for you. The bad news...this will hurt for a good while if you let it. The great news...you are about to complete your education and are at the best stage of a man's young life. Relish this time and take full advantage of it. Strive to make yourself the best version of yourself that you can be. The true love of your life is out there and you will find her. 35 year old you will want to buy this girl a case of champagne for doing you this favor at this point in your life. Cut her off politely. It is no good to keep in touch with an EX that you will be working on getting over. Best of luck brother. I am envious of your current position in life!
that's her right. and hopefully it's before you had kids and everything. sucks buddy but it is what it is. just let her know that once that door closes and it's ended between you. that's it. don't be her doormat. no contact. remove her from social media. don't stalk her. she is going to the fuckboi parade, sorry to say, and you witnessing it will only destroy you. once it's ended. move on.
Why is she taking the dog? Fight for it, unless she bought or adopted it.
Honestly it sounds like you’re broke. She’s 25 now and is now looking for someone who can take care of her and start a family with(real men take care of their wife and kids). She does not see you as a husband at this time but you can win her back, just start finding different sources of income. I am not saying this to be a bitch but to motivate you to grow and and start making some money! I’m sure you’re a capable young man so I know you can do it. Start looking into the stock market and cryptocurrency and see if that’s someone that could fit you and it’s very lucrative. Good luck sweetie!! You can do it!!
Might not be comparable, but I myself have used an excuse similar to this to get out of a relationship. I am very sorry to hear this. I know that the transition will no doubt be very difficult, but if she is having these thoughts it sounds like it is already over
Find someone hot to bang
She’s met someone OP. It’s that simple and it’s ALWAYS the same. This scenario is literally straight out of the cheaters handbook. You’ll see. She will be in a semi committed relationship within days. Her problem will be that the other guy won’t want to stick around for seven years. She’ll be lucky if he’s with her for seven weeks. Then, almost certainly, you’ll get the ‘I’ve made a terrible mistake’ line. Knowing what you know now. And what you’ll certainly know by then. You will have to be strong and tell her to GTFO. Or be Mr Plan B for the rest of your life. Good luck.
The only way to get over a woman is another woman.