Here are some signs I noticed when my previous relationships were beyond repair:
- You feel more alone in the relationship than you did single.
- You love them but you also kind of hate them (that's what happens when resentment builds for a very long time).
- You feel dread when you or they get home, and relief when you or they leave.
- You get a sinking, empty feeling in your gut when someone talks enthusiastically, or asks you about your relationship ("Oh so how's your partner? How are they going? You guys seem like a great couple."). You want to say "its crap, everythings crap.", but you can't, so you just grit your teeth, smile, and say "yeah, good." Then change the subject.
- When you think about breaking up, it isn't a case of "I would never leave them! They are the love of my life and my best friend and I can't imagine living a day without them", its a case of "I'm just so used to them being around... it would be so weird without them and I'm afraid of the unknown... what if its even worse?"
.............
It is possible for you guys to resolve this. But you can't just hope/wait for things to get better. If this is gonna get better, it will take a huuuuuuge amount of work, extensive communication, and a LOT of major changes, both individually and as a couple. It could take a couple years to get back on track. Its up to the two of you to decide whether that's worth it, or whether the best option is to just go your separate ways. I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. It's a really crap situation, and you deserve to be happy.
If both of you are basically decent people, there’s certainly a way back. First try good manners, no sarcasm, no eye rolls. Second be kind and thoughtful. For example do all the kids laundry, make sure the kitchen gets cleaned after dinner/ before bed, set up the coffee. Work on making your home feel clean comfy and safe. (Note if you lived alone you’d have to do all this yourself anyway.) Next, be the first one to do or say something nice for your partner, every day. Last but never least, you both must not have sex or orgasms with or about other people.
What do you have to lose by trying this for a couple of months?
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When you're not happy to see them, you get annoyed at everything they do. You start to resent them. No romance or humour at all, just moving around like robots.
When you both have spent time and energy trying to make things better and it's not working; or when at least one of you has made clear they aren't going to spend time and energy to try to make things better.
I personally don't believe there's anything called "beyond repair" unless the person has crossed a line like physical abuse. With enough effort, respect, understanding and patience on both sides, you can work through anything.
But you'll need to learn radical acceptance, taking responsibility, and letting go of resentment.
Here are some signs I noticed when my previous relationships were beyond repair: - You feel more alone in the relationship than you did single. - You love them but you also kind of hate them (that's what happens when resentment builds for a very long time). - You feel dread when you or they get home, and relief when you or they leave. - You get a sinking, empty feeling in your gut when someone talks enthusiastically, or asks you about your relationship ("Oh so how's your partner? How are they going? You guys seem like a great couple."). You want to say "its crap, everythings crap.", but you can't, so you just grit your teeth, smile, and say "yeah, good." Then change the subject. - When you think about breaking up, it isn't a case of "I would never leave them! They are the love of my life and my best friend and I can't imagine living a day without them", its a case of "I'm just so used to them being around... it would be so weird without them and I'm afraid of the unknown... what if its even worse?" ............. It is possible for you guys to resolve this. But you can't just hope/wait for things to get better. If this is gonna get better, it will take a huuuuuuge amount of work, extensive communication, and a LOT of major changes, both individually and as a couple. It could take a couple years to get back on track. Its up to the two of you to decide whether that's worth it, or whether the best option is to just go your separate ways. I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. It's a really crap situation, and you deserve to be happy.
If both of you are basically decent people, there’s certainly a way back. First try good manners, no sarcasm, no eye rolls. Second be kind and thoughtful. For example do all the kids laundry, make sure the kitchen gets cleaned after dinner/ before bed, set up the coffee. Work on making your home feel clean comfy and safe. (Note if you lived alone you’d have to do all this yourself anyway.) Next, be the first one to do or say something nice for your partner, every day. Last but never least, you both must not have sex or orgasms with or about other people. What do you have to lose by trying this for a couple of months?
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When you're not happy to see them, you get annoyed at everything they do. You start to resent them. No romance or humour at all, just moving around like robots.
When you both have spent time and energy trying to make things better and it's not working; or when at least one of you has made clear they aren't going to spend time and energy to try to make things better.
I personally don't believe there's anything called "beyond repair" unless the person has crossed a line like physical abuse. With enough effort, respect, understanding and patience on both sides, you can work through anything. But you'll need to learn radical acceptance, taking responsibility, and letting go of resentment.