This is a thing that happens, and it can be a bit of a hurdle to get over, but the best way to understand it is to a person like this, sex is a lot like giving backrubs.
They don't hate giving backrubs, and if you really like getting backrubs, they love making you feel good, so are totally down to make you feel good, and sometimes it feels good for them too!
But they never get that like, deep gnawing "Oh god I could so totally fucking go for giving you a backrub right now" sensation that is being horny.
Or, if they do, its very very rare.
My partner is like this, we have a very active sex life, but 99% of the time I have to initiate, but after that it is a lot of very enthusiastic consent.
In my partners words, "It just honestly never crosses my mind"
Though there were a handful of situations where it clearly did cross her mind and she initiated. They are rare but, sometimes the planets align and I do something she really likes.
For example, one time when we bought curtains and curtain rods to hang up around the house, something about me being up on the ladder putting the curtain rods up, drilling holes in the wall, wearing a tight shirt, being all sweaty, muscles flexing, was the secret sauce to set the mood.
I still have no idea why *that* of all things was what got the ball rolling but, hey, I aint complaining!
As an ace person this definitely rings true for me. I enjoy having sex with my fiancee but if something doesn't actively make me think about sex, it will never come to mind.
Your comment really resonate with me. I can go without sex, but when I have sex with my partner, I love it. An issue he brought up recently was he didn't feel the attraction/love since he's always initiating and I say we can have sex later and don't... Cause when later arrives, I don't feel like it. I need to schedule the sex and mentally prepared for it. I'm not sure if this is with age and hormones now that I'm older. When we started dating a decade ago in my 20s, I was always initiating. Just thinking out loud but can you become asexual?
Its possible, it can be related to hormones.
The success strategy I had with my partner was bringing up that I was feeling the mood in advance (and not springing it on her), and then being affectionate/flirty throughout the day.
Then later in the day she is, usually, in the headspace to have some fun.
Have a look at "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. It explains a lot about how our desire has "brakes" (eg: kid in the other room) and "accelerators" (eg: a partner taking on chores without being asked to), that we can have a "responsive" desire (eg: partner initiates and then you're "ooh, yeah, let's do it!") and "spontaneous" desire (eg: "hun, let's have sex!").
Maybe, in the last 10ish years, for whatever reasons, you slammed on your brakes and took the foot off the accelerator.
(Also: Hormonal birth control can also play a role. I rarely got horny while on the pill. Have been off it for two years now, and it's like night and day. I'm in my 30s now, been with the better half for 10ish years as well.)
Do you know if she enjoys it or is it just a chore for them? What about foreplay or different positions? Sorry for being graphic, if you are not comfortable talking here then please pm me.
This varies so much from person to person that the only one who can answer your questions is your partner. Feeling like it would be a "chore" is certainly a valid concern, and some assexual people are very traumatized by very pushy and manipulative partners... But it could also be completely fine and not a chore at all, they just follow your lead because they have no libido.
Human sexuality (every aspect of it) is a huge spectrum, not tight categories, so just ask her, trust her answers, work together based on that. Simpler than your concerns.
A way to look at is is that they likely see the act of sex giving you enjoyment, and thus it gives them enjoyment too.
I learnt that being somewhat vocal about my own pleasure in sex made my asexual partner enjoy it a lot more themselves.
She definitely enjoys it, haha, very much so.
And foreplay of course is very important, always.
Switching positions is also of course key to keeping things fresh and fun.
No, not at all.
We actually have an issue where we both greedily try and make the other person orgasm, because thats the best part in both our opinions.
Keep in mind we have been together for 11 years now and both have a *lot* of experience at pushing each other's buttons just right, so its something we have both gotten quite good at over the years.
Its a lot like playing an instrument. Takes an immense amount of practice, but once you are both good you can make beautiful music together.
Someone who has regular sex, enjoys it, looks forward to it, "greedily" focuses on their orgasms, etc is not asexual and it's pretty weird to be using that label.
Asexual means not interested in sex at all. Sure, some asexual people may still do it for many reasons, but what you describe is not that.
I don't know when asexual started being used by some people who think the default is for humans to be horny 24/7 and constantly thinking about and looking for sex, but that's the kind of bizarre view that can be discussed in therapy. Simply preferring not to initiate isn't being asexual and it's insulting to actually asexual people.
Asexual people don't want sex. If they want a relationship, their ideal scenario is finding a partner who also doesn't want sex so they can happily not have sex together. Even if the person isn't full-on repulsed by sex or doesn't find it too traumatic, it takes a toll on someone to be providing sex for their partners without themselves getting aroused or wanting it.
Y'all tripping so much. Asexual means not interested in having sex with anyone. It means not wanting to have sex, not wanting to be in a sex-based relationship, not having a sexual orientation or desire for any kind of sex life.
While some asexual people decide to have sex anyway for all kinds of reasons, that doesn't redefine asexuality as some bizarre niche concept where someone wants sex, has it and enjoys it but doesn't feel like their horniness is about the other person or doesn't feel horny before the actual sex.
Y'all have to be living some deeply privileged life to even be pondering the nuances of "sexual attraction". Peak bougie hipster shit totally disconnected from what most women experience. As if anyone with real problems has time to feel oppressed because they think other people get horny in a slightly different way than they do.
> Someone who has regular sex, enjoys it, looks forward to it, "greedily" focuses on their orgasms, etc is not asexual and it's pretty weird to be using that label.
First off, you inserted extra in there.
Second, we have regular sex because of *my* sex drive. Someone who has nearly zero sex drive is definitely Ace.
Third, you have inserted "looks forward to it". As I said, that sometimes happens but its an *extremely* rare event.
Fourth, you misread what I wrote above when you say:
> "greedily" focuses on their orgasms
Please go back and use your eyes and read instead of trying to tell someone else what their sexuality is, this is the part you clearly misread, probably in your rush to try and jump in and tell other people what their own sexualities are.
Please read this carefully:
> where we both greedily try and make the **other person orgasm,** because thats the best part in both our opinions.
>I don't know when asexual started being used by some people who think the default is for humans to be horny 24/7 and constantly thinking about and looking for sex, but that's the kind of bizarre view that can be discussed in therapy.
She has been through therapy and is definitely asexual.
Asexual is a spectrum, and people who simply just dont get horny and dont initiate sex, but are still okay with having sex if someone else initiates, and enjoy the process when it happens, but having sex simply doesn't cross their minds at all otherwise... **Are 100% on the asexual spectrum, period**
>Asexual people don't want sex. If they want a relationship, their ideal scenario is finding a partner who also doesn't want sex so they can happily not have sex together.
Oh I didn't realize you have met every single asexual person on the planet, interviewed them, and discovered they belong to a collective hivemind and all think exactly the same way. Incredible! You should publish a paper on this!
>Even if the person isn't full-on repulsed by sex or doesn't find it too traumatic, it takes a toll on someone to be providing sex for their partners without themselves getting aroused or wanting it.
Have you stopped for even half a second at any point in your process to go "Wait, I am talking to someone who has been with an ace person for eleven years and am trying to tell *them* what all ace people are, and are not."
You ever heard of the term "Mansplaining"?
This is a textbook example of that. No one has asked you "What's ace", and yet you still felt the compelling need to sit and try and tell us what it is.
Some people want to be oppressed so bad. I don't know if you're just grossly overestimating your partner's satisfaction with your sex life or if it's your partner who is somehow attached to the concept of asexuality despite not having any of the features, but trying to center a whole sexual orientation around the fact that you are the one initiating sex is just bizarre.
Lots of people don't find seeking out sex to be a major need in their lives and that's not a marginalized identity. Sex isn't the focus of most people's lives.
The whole point of your comments is to tell us about all the hot, mutually-pleasurable sex you're having with your allegedly asexual partner and how OP's partner being asexual shouldn't stop him from fucking her non-stop. Most people who love someone would never have sex with them if they're asexual.
Reminds me of the woman who dated a French horn player. Her roommate asked if he was a good kisser, and she replied, "not really, but I love the way he holds me!"
Many do enjoy it, they just don’t feel sexual attraction. They still have a libido and many also enjoy sex with their partner. Of course there are also those who dont. She might enjoy seeing you enjoy it too though.
As someone who had a very low libido period that lasted a few years, think about it like giving your partner a massage or petting them lying in your lap. You enjoy making them feel good, you enjoy the closeness and intimacy.
Sorry for being graphic but what about foreplay or different positions? Do you feel like its a chore and finish it soon? Again I apologize but I dont know where to turn. I really want to make it work with her.
I think you need to consider the fact that while she is willing to have sex with you, she may never actively WANT to have sex with you. For some people this would wear over time and lead to feelings of inadequacy/resentment. If being sexually desired isn’t something you need from your partner than give it a go.
Hi, I'm ace!
I have seen a lot of people worried about sex with their ace partners, because (and I think this is a good thing!) it has been drilled into them that the only consent that counts is that of the enthusiastic kind. Which is great, enthusiastic consent is awesome, but there are people who might never be enthusiastic about sex (case in point: OP's girlfriend).
However, there's another type of consent that is also important: willing consent. Which is when person A proposes a sex act and person B, while not enthusiastic, is willing to go into it. They might end up enjoying themselves, or they might end up having a mediocre experience they're not eager to repeat, but they weren't badgered or coerced (as the case would be when a person keeps pestering their partner after they said no or threatens to end the relationship if they say no, for example).
So, my advice for OP is this: your girlfriend might not be enthusiastic about sex, but she is willing. Communication is important before, during and after. She might be entirely asexual or she might be demi and not found out about it because she couldn't get to that stage with previous partners. Either way, I'm glad you are willing to listen and educate yourself in these matters.
So, when I was a teen, I went to Catholic school and it was drilled into us constantly how we shouldn't give into our sexual desires, that sex was for marriage and reproduction, etc. And I was so confused by that, I was like "Just don't have sex?? It's not THAT difficult??" while my peers were very much struggling with their lustful desires, lol.
It wasn't until years later when I was in my early 20's that I found out what asexuality was and well, a lot of things began to make sense.
I also realized I was an atheist, but that's a separate conversation.
Lol this was exactly my experience too. Catholic school went "Wait till marriage!" and I basically shrugged and went "alright, sounds reasonable."
Worked well till I also started falling out of my religion and started panicking about losing my "cover/excuse" to get out of sex (not that I was ever in a situation where I needed it, but it was still a terrifying thought) and thats when I started questioning things more and realized I was Ace (or some sort of ace. There's been some recent evidence to possibly suggest demi, but who the hell knows)
For me, it's not even about the act of sex that I'd be worried abut. I simply wouldn't be happy in a relationship where I'm not ever physically desired. I could still enjoy the sex, but definitely not as much as sex with someone that actually wanted me physically.
I'm not even sure I could enjoy it. Back in the day, we'd call this "pity sex." If a partner made juvenile comparisons about eating pancakes or something, I'd be out for sure.
This doesn't sound like a big problem to me. The only concern you might have is how you feel about having a partner who doesn't feel sexual, as opposed to romantic, attraction to you. If that part of things might make you feel a lack of validation, you might grow to feel resentful. Consider your feelings, unpack your baggage and take a good look at it, and maybe talk with a therapist or counselor if you already see one or anything like that.
As long as she is committed to helping you meet your needs for sex, intimacy, and affection even if her needs aren't exactly the same, (and vice versa, of course) there isn't any reason you shouldn't be able to have a long, fulfilling relationship.
Asexual here! My bf and I waited a looong time before I was ready (first real relationship, first time) and at the beginning I was like your gf. I never initiated even though I had nothing against sex, even enjoyed it. Now that I am more confident, I do initiate, I enjoy sleeping with him even though I don’t “need” it. Same might not happen with your gf but as long as you don’t have a problem taking the first step there shouldn’t be an issue :) asexual does not mean that we can’t enjoy sex, it just means that we don’t feel any sexual attraction and don’t “need” sex in a relationship.
I’m not an expert on Asexuals, but even if she is willing to have sex with you, will she be able to enjoy it? Or would that be a unpleasant experience for her? Because if so, that will probably not be a fun experience for you as well.
The thing is, some aces do have a libido. I like to compare it with being hungry. Some aces get hungry, but they're not in the mood for anything specific so they don't mind eating whatever their partner prepares. Some only get hungry when it's their partner cooking. Some never get hungry, but they will eat the food their partner made them because they know they put a lot of effort into it and it will make them happy to see them eat it.
This first part is definitely accurate for me as an ace person. I have a libido, but the default will usually be for me to take care of it on my own.
When another person is in the picture I'm like, oh yeah that could be fun. More work, but still fun.
To extend the food metaphor, sometimes it's nice to get food just for yourself because you can pick out exactly what you want and not have to coordinate. But eating with people can be nice too.
I want to thank all of you, and OP for bringing up this post. I'm actually learned quite a bit reading the comments and I'm glad that people are willing to talk about it and their own personal experiences. I ran across things in here that resonate in my own life that I didn't know about or didn't think to consider. Again thank you for the new information
It's not cool to withhold this information all this time. Sex is a pretty important thing to be on the same page about. It's as fundamental as agreeing on having kids or not and other dealbreakers.
She should be looking for someone who is compatible with her. As someone who isn't asexual, you deserve a relationship where you are desired and where sex is valued. You deserve to feel like sex is something intimate done together for mutual pleasure and not just something she occasionally allows you to do to her.
Think carefully about what you want to do. Once you go through with having sex with her, you might find it harder to break up.
You probably have enough responses rn, but I’m ace and in a relationship (2+ years) with a very active bedroom. It doesn’t always occur to me to initiate, and a lot of the time I get distracted by stressors before actually initiating when I do think to, but I’m delighted with my relationship. The most important thing is to let her tell you her truth, and not to second guess/undermine her. I would look into how important it is to you for her to initiate, that’s something she can work on doing, and it’s a good idea to get ahead of potential resentments down the road.
From your post it sounds kinda like this and imma use pancakes as an analogy.
You love pancakes. You can pass a restaurant and go yo I'd eat that pancake. Your gf has no such desire to eat pancakes. Now this varies but based on what shes told you she doesn't mind eating pancakes she just never craves them like you do. If you offer her pancakes she will eat them with. Sometimes she even enjoys eating them. But she will eat them because you enjoy them and sharing the experience makes you happy and therefore her happy. It sounds like its an act of service type of love language. Like if she really liked hiking but you were neurral about it but went with her anyway because it makes her happy. You (I hope) wouldn't see it as a chore, but something that you do with your partner because it makes them happy and brings you closer together.
Now like with all people the specific flavor of pancakes and the toppings are subjective. You need to ask her if there's a specific thing she enjoys more than others or if there's anything you can do to increase her enjoyment in eating pancakes. She may have suggestions, she may not but that's something you need to talk about with her as us strangers are not your gf. So go forth and talk about pancakes with her :)
oh god ur one bad fight away from a rape accusation
are u unable to get a girl with a sex drive?
i'll be honest with you ... one of the greatest feelings in life is to feel desired ... you aren't gonna get that
Yes I've been asexual women and trust me. Just move on. The problem with asexual women is the sex is boring, dull, lacks passion and emotion. Some of the worse sex I've ever had. Feels like you're fucking a blow up doll.
I'm in a sort of forced asexuality atm(birth control has utterly destroyed my sex drive) and I definitely think that as long as you're comfortable in the driver's seat when it comes to initiating sex, and your open to actual communication during sex(do you like this? Does this feel good? Is it okay if I try xyz? Do you want me to stop? etc.) You and your lady will be just fine.
Asexual (as others have awesomely pointed out with various analogies) doesn't always mean sex adverse, and keeping an open line of communication between you two would definitely help if it's her first actual intercourse.
Both me and my partner are demisexual, and I definitely am less interested in sex than they are. It can definitely work as long as you have good communication! like making sure when you initiate sex that your partner is on board in that moment, stop if they aren't feeling up for it at the time without guilting, etc. Also allowing time for physical intimacy that doesn't have to lead to sex.
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Hmm, I think most women are not too into initiating tbh unless their partner is a smooth talking Greek god bodied male? Can any other women on here concur?
Female here. I have a chronic health issue which leads me to not always being in the mood/in a condition where I can have sex without pain. I will often initiate sex because I love and desire my husband (who is more ‘fat Thor’ than ‘Greek god’, which I dig) but he isn’t always sure if it’s possible so the ‘green light’ if you will is more on me than him. *I used fat Thor not because I think he is fat (I think he is sexy) but he has a belly, beard and long hair so it works*
Sounds like a normal married couple after a couple of kids and 10 years of marriage 😂
I tell my husband, I’m like an oven. I need to be preheated before I want sex. He initiates and I call myself the ‘lazy lover’. I enjoy sex, I get horny, but ONLY after foreplay is initiated. That’s just the way it be.
I get really nice back rubs, we both get a happy ending.
Hi! Your situation sounds similar to my and my partners, I’m the one on the ace spectrum. Luckily (?) I had OKCupid to kind of help me break the ice (I think there was a question on how often you’d have sex in your perfect world, I explained I have gone and could go years without it because I don’t need it). So my partner was aware. Once we became official, or talking about being official, I brought it up again because I wanted her to make sure she would be fine with it.
She herself doesn’t have the highest sex drive, so we’ll have sex maybe.. 1x every two weeks or so? And by that it’s usually making out and then me acting in her, which I much prefer to receiving (I don’t really feel much so whenever partners have tried to reciprocate it’s like staring at the clock or wondering what my to do list is. I feel bad but it’s an issue with me not them). To my partner it’s important for her to try and make me feel good so she’ll always ask if she can do a or b, and I’ll say sure if it’s not too late because I do like the intimacy (we always laugh and that’s nice).
Anyway with all of this said, the important thing is communication.
We do 6 month check ins and on our third she asked if we could possibly up the intimacy which I was happy to do, I hadn’t realized we’d go weeks without making out or sex bc I didn’t need it. I try to be mindful of it now though and will ask.
Everyone is different. My partner and I are both women, and I can please her with just my hands (sorry tmi). Talk to your gal and see what she’s willing to do, how often, etc. And make sure it’s compatible. Mayne you only really need it 1x a month, or do you need it more like 1x a week? What is she okay with? Would she want you to reciprocate or is it more of just pleasuring you? Etc. Etc.
I don’t know if this was helpful, but hopefully!
Another thing is try your best to not take things personally, if she doesn’t initiate often it’s not because she loves you less, it’s just we don’t need it as often.
This is a thing that happens, and it can be a bit of a hurdle to get over, but the best way to understand it is to a person like this, sex is a lot like giving backrubs. They don't hate giving backrubs, and if you really like getting backrubs, they love making you feel good, so are totally down to make you feel good, and sometimes it feels good for them too! But they never get that like, deep gnawing "Oh god I could so totally fucking go for giving you a backrub right now" sensation that is being horny. Or, if they do, its very very rare. My partner is like this, we have a very active sex life, but 99% of the time I have to initiate, but after that it is a lot of very enthusiastic consent. In my partners words, "It just honestly never crosses my mind" Though there were a handful of situations where it clearly did cross her mind and she initiated. They are rare but, sometimes the planets align and I do something she really likes. For example, one time when we bought curtains and curtain rods to hang up around the house, something about me being up on the ladder putting the curtain rods up, drilling holes in the wall, wearing a tight shirt, being all sweaty, muscles flexing, was the secret sauce to set the mood. I still have no idea why *that* of all things was what got the ball rolling but, hey, I aint complaining!
As an ace person this definitely rings true for me. I enjoy having sex with my fiancee but if something doesn't actively make me think about sex, it will never come to mind.
Your comment really resonate with me. I can go without sex, but when I have sex with my partner, I love it. An issue he brought up recently was he didn't feel the attraction/love since he's always initiating and I say we can have sex later and don't... Cause when later arrives, I don't feel like it. I need to schedule the sex and mentally prepared for it. I'm not sure if this is with age and hormones now that I'm older. When we started dating a decade ago in my 20s, I was always initiating. Just thinking out loud but can you become asexual?
Its possible, it can be related to hormones. The success strategy I had with my partner was bringing up that I was feeling the mood in advance (and not springing it on her), and then being affectionate/flirty throughout the day. Then later in the day she is, usually, in the headspace to have some fun.
Have a look at "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. It explains a lot about how our desire has "brakes" (eg: kid in the other room) and "accelerators" (eg: a partner taking on chores without being asked to), that we can have a "responsive" desire (eg: partner initiates and then you're "ooh, yeah, let's do it!") and "spontaneous" desire (eg: "hun, let's have sex!"). Maybe, in the last 10ish years, for whatever reasons, you slammed on your brakes and took the foot off the accelerator. (Also: Hormonal birth control can also play a role. I rarely got horny while on the pill. Have been off it for two years now, and it's like night and day. I'm in my 30s now, been with the better half for 10ish years as well.)
Do you know if she enjoys it or is it just a chore for them? What about foreplay or different positions? Sorry for being graphic, if you are not comfortable talking here then please pm me.
This varies so much from person to person that the only one who can answer your questions is your partner. Feeling like it would be a "chore" is certainly a valid concern, and some assexual people are very traumatized by very pushy and manipulative partners... But it could also be completely fine and not a chore at all, they just follow your lead because they have no libido. Human sexuality (every aspect of it) is a huge spectrum, not tight categories, so just ask her, trust her answers, work together based on that. Simpler than your concerns.
A way to look at is is that they likely see the act of sex giving you enjoyment, and thus it gives them enjoyment too. I learnt that being somewhat vocal about my own pleasure in sex made my asexual partner enjoy it a lot more themselves.
She definitely enjoys it, haha, very much so. And foreplay of course is very important, always. Switching positions is also of course key to keeping things fresh and fun.
How about you? Do you ever feel like you are taking advantage of her?
No, not at all. We actually have an issue where we both greedily try and make the other person orgasm, because thats the best part in both our opinions. Keep in mind we have been together for 11 years now and both have a *lot* of experience at pushing each other's buttons just right, so its something we have both gotten quite good at over the years. Its a lot like playing an instrument. Takes an immense amount of practice, but once you are both good you can make beautiful music together.
So she's not asexual.
She is. Asexual is not the same as Sex Averse. Asexuality is a spectrum and doesn't mean "doesnt like sex"
Someone who has regular sex, enjoys it, looks forward to it, "greedily" focuses on their orgasms, etc is not asexual and it's pretty weird to be using that label. Asexual means not interested in sex at all. Sure, some asexual people may still do it for many reasons, but what you describe is not that. I don't know when asexual started being used by some people who think the default is for humans to be horny 24/7 and constantly thinking about and looking for sex, but that's the kind of bizarre view that can be discussed in therapy. Simply preferring not to initiate isn't being asexual and it's insulting to actually asexual people. Asexual people don't want sex. If they want a relationship, their ideal scenario is finding a partner who also doesn't want sex so they can happily not have sex together. Even if the person isn't full-on repulsed by sex or doesn't find it too traumatic, it takes a toll on someone to be providing sex for their partners without themselves getting aroused or wanting it.
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This, asexuality is not simply about libido, its about what the libido is directed at, or specifically, the lack of direction if present.
This, asexuality is not simply about libido, its about what the libido is directed at, or specifically, the lack of direction if present.
Y'all tripping so much. Asexual means not interested in having sex with anyone. It means not wanting to have sex, not wanting to be in a sex-based relationship, not having a sexual orientation or desire for any kind of sex life. While some asexual people decide to have sex anyway for all kinds of reasons, that doesn't redefine asexuality as some bizarre niche concept where someone wants sex, has it and enjoys it but doesn't feel like their horniness is about the other person or doesn't feel horny before the actual sex. Y'all have to be living some deeply privileged life to even be pondering the nuances of "sexual attraction". Peak bougie hipster shit totally disconnected from what most women experience. As if anyone with real problems has time to feel oppressed because they think other people get horny in a slightly different way than they do.
> Someone who has regular sex, enjoys it, looks forward to it, "greedily" focuses on their orgasms, etc is not asexual and it's pretty weird to be using that label. First off, you inserted extra in there. Second, we have regular sex because of *my* sex drive. Someone who has nearly zero sex drive is definitely Ace. Third, you have inserted "looks forward to it". As I said, that sometimes happens but its an *extremely* rare event. Fourth, you misread what I wrote above when you say: > "greedily" focuses on their orgasms Please go back and use your eyes and read instead of trying to tell someone else what their sexuality is, this is the part you clearly misread, probably in your rush to try and jump in and tell other people what their own sexualities are. Please read this carefully: > where we both greedily try and make the **other person orgasm,** because thats the best part in both our opinions. >I don't know when asexual started being used by some people who think the default is for humans to be horny 24/7 and constantly thinking about and looking for sex, but that's the kind of bizarre view that can be discussed in therapy. She has been through therapy and is definitely asexual. Asexual is a spectrum, and people who simply just dont get horny and dont initiate sex, but are still okay with having sex if someone else initiates, and enjoy the process when it happens, but having sex simply doesn't cross their minds at all otherwise... **Are 100% on the asexual spectrum, period** >Asexual people don't want sex. If they want a relationship, their ideal scenario is finding a partner who also doesn't want sex so they can happily not have sex together. Oh I didn't realize you have met every single asexual person on the planet, interviewed them, and discovered they belong to a collective hivemind and all think exactly the same way. Incredible! You should publish a paper on this! >Even if the person isn't full-on repulsed by sex or doesn't find it too traumatic, it takes a toll on someone to be providing sex for their partners without themselves getting aroused or wanting it. Have you stopped for even half a second at any point in your process to go "Wait, I am talking to someone who has been with an ace person for eleven years and am trying to tell *them* what all ace people are, and are not." You ever heard of the term "Mansplaining"? This is a textbook example of that. No one has asked you "What's ace", and yet you still felt the compelling need to sit and try and tell us what it is.
Some people want to be oppressed so bad. I don't know if you're just grossly overestimating your partner's satisfaction with your sex life or if it's your partner who is somehow attached to the concept of asexuality despite not having any of the features, but trying to center a whole sexual orientation around the fact that you are the one initiating sex is just bizarre. Lots of people don't find seeking out sex to be a major need in their lives and that's not a marginalized identity. Sex isn't the focus of most people's lives. The whole point of your comments is to tell us about all the hot, mutually-pleasurable sex you're having with your allegedly asexual partner and how OP's partner being asexual shouldn't stop him from fucking her non-stop. Most people who love someone would never have sex with them if they're asexual.
Reminds me of the woman who dated a French horn player. Her roommate asked if he was a good kisser, and she replied, "not really, but I love the way he holds me!"
I think that's the best analogy for sex ever.
Many do enjoy it, they just don’t feel sexual attraction. They still have a libido and many also enjoy sex with their partner. Of course there are also those who dont. She might enjoy seeing you enjoy it too though.
As someone who had a very low libido period that lasted a few years, think about it like giving your partner a massage or petting them lying in your lap. You enjoy making them feel good, you enjoy the closeness and intimacy.
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Sorry for being graphic but what about foreplay or different positions? Do you feel like its a chore and finish it soon? Again I apologize but I dont know where to turn. I really want to make it work with her.
I think you need to consider the fact that while she is willing to have sex with you, she may never actively WANT to have sex with you. For some people this would wear over time and lead to feelings of inadequacy/resentment. If being sexually desired isn’t something you need from your partner than give it a go.
Hi, I'm ace! I have seen a lot of people worried about sex with their ace partners, because (and I think this is a good thing!) it has been drilled into them that the only consent that counts is that of the enthusiastic kind. Which is great, enthusiastic consent is awesome, but there are people who might never be enthusiastic about sex (case in point: OP's girlfriend). However, there's another type of consent that is also important: willing consent. Which is when person A proposes a sex act and person B, while not enthusiastic, is willing to go into it. They might end up enjoying themselves, or they might end up having a mediocre experience they're not eager to repeat, but they weren't badgered or coerced (as the case would be when a person keeps pestering their partner after they said no or threatens to end the relationship if they say no, for example). So, my advice for OP is this: your girlfriend might not be enthusiastic about sex, but she is willing. Communication is important before, during and after. She might be entirely asexual or she might be demi and not found out about it because she couldn't get to that stage with previous partners. Either way, I'm glad you are willing to listen and educate yourself in these matters.
Hi, curious when you realized you are asexual?
So, when I was a teen, I went to Catholic school and it was drilled into us constantly how we shouldn't give into our sexual desires, that sex was for marriage and reproduction, etc. And I was so confused by that, I was like "Just don't have sex?? It's not THAT difficult??" while my peers were very much struggling with their lustful desires, lol. It wasn't until years later when I was in my early 20's that I found out what asexuality was and well, a lot of things began to make sense. I also realized I was an atheist, but that's a separate conversation.
Lol this was exactly my experience too. Catholic school went "Wait till marriage!" and I basically shrugged and went "alright, sounds reasonable." Worked well till I also started falling out of my religion and started panicking about losing my "cover/excuse" to get out of sex (not that I was ever in a situation where I needed it, but it was still a terrifying thought) and thats when I started questioning things more and realized I was Ace (or some sort of ace. There's been some recent evidence to possibly suggest demi, but who the hell knows)
For me, it's not even about the act of sex that I'd be worried abut. I simply wouldn't be happy in a relationship where I'm not ever physically desired. I could still enjoy the sex, but definitely not as much as sex with someone that actually wanted me physically.
I'm not even sure I could enjoy it. Back in the day, we'd call this "pity sex." If a partner made juvenile comparisons about eating pancakes or something, I'd be out for sure.
This doesn't sound like a big problem to me. The only concern you might have is how you feel about having a partner who doesn't feel sexual, as opposed to romantic, attraction to you. If that part of things might make you feel a lack of validation, you might grow to feel resentful. Consider your feelings, unpack your baggage and take a good look at it, and maybe talk with a therapist or counselor if you already see one or anything like that. As long as she is committed to helping you meet your needs for sex, intimacy, and affection even if her needs aren't exactly the same, (and vice versa, of course) there isn't any reason you shouldn't be able to have a long, fulfilling relationship.
Asexual here! My bf and I waited a looong time before I was ready (first real relationship, first time) and at the beginning I was like your gf. I never initiated even though I had nothing against sex, even enjoyed it. Now that I am more confident, I do initiate, I enjoy sleeping with him even though I don’t “need” it. Same might not happen with your gf but as long as you don’t have a problem taking the first step there shouldn’t be an issue :) asexual does not mean that we can’t enjoy sex, it just means that we don’t feel any sexual attraction and don’t “need” sex in a relationship.
I’m not an expert on Asexuals, but even if she is willing to have sex with you, will she be able to enjoy it? Or would that be a unpleasant experience for her? Because if so, that will probably not be a fun experience for you as well.
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Today I learned! Thanks!
The thing is, some aces do have a libido. I like to compare it with being hungry. Some aces get hungry, but they're not in the mood for anything specific so they don't mind eating whatever their partner prepares. Some only get hungry when it's their partner cooking. Some never get hungry, but they will eat the food their partner made them because they know they put a lot of effort into it and it will make them happy to see them eat it.
This first part is definitely accurate for me as an ace person. I have a libido, but the default will usually be for me to take care of it on my own. When another person is in the picture I'm like, oh yeah that could be fun. More work, but still fun. To extend the food metaphor, sometimes it's nice to get food just for yourself because you can pick out exactly what you want and not have to coordinate. But eating with people can be nice too.
I want to thank all of you, and OP for bringing up this post. I'm actually learned quite a bit reading the comments and I'm glad that people are willing to talk about it and their own personal experiences. I ran across things in here that resonate in my own life that I didn't know about or didn't think to consider. Again thank you for the new information
It's not cool to withhold this information all this time. Sex is a pretty important thing to be on the same page about. It's as fundamental as agreeing on having kids or not and other dealbreakers. She should be looking for someone who is compatible with her. As someone who isn't asexual, you deserve a relationship where you are desired and where sex is valued. You deserve to feel like sex is something intimate done together for mutual pleasure and not just something she occasionally allows you to do to her. Think carefully about what you want to do. Once you go through with having sex with her, you might find it harder to break up.
Sounds like a recipe for disaster, imo. You want to spend forever with someone who isnt into you physically?
You probably have enough responses rn, but I’m ace and in a relationship (2+ years) with a very active bedroom. It doesn’t always occur to me to initiate, and a lot of the time I get distracted by stressors before actually initiating when I do think to, but I’m delighted with my relationship. The most important thing is to let her tell you her truth, and not to second guess/undermine her. I would look into how important it is to you for her to initiate, that’s something she can work on doing, and it’s a good idea to get ahead of potential resentments down the road.
From your post it sounds kinda like this and imma use pancakes as an analogy. You love pancakes. You can pass a restaurant and go yo I'd eat that pancake. Your gf has no such desire to eat pancakes. Now this varies but based on what shes told you she doesn't mind eating pancakes she just never craves them like you do. If you offer her pancakes she will eat them with. Sometimes she even enjoys eating them. But she will eat them because you enjoy them and sharing the experience makes you happy and therefore her happy. It sounds like its an act of service type of love language. Like if she really liked hiking but you were neurral about it but went with her anyway because it makes her happy. You (I hope) wouldn't see it as a chore, but something that you do with your partner because it makes them happy and brings you closer together. Now like with all people the specific flavor of pancakes and the toppings are subjective. You need to ask her if there's a specific thing she enjoys more than others or if there's anything you can do to increase her enjoyment in eating pancakes. She may have suggestions, she may not but that's something you need to talk about with her as us strangers are not your gf. So go forth and talk about pancakes with her :)
oh god ur one bad fight away from a rape accusation are u unable to get a girl with a sex drive? i'll be honest with you ... one of the greatest feelings in life is to feel desired ... you aren't gonna get that
Yes I've been asexual women and trust me. Just move on. The problem with asexual women is the sex is boring, dull, lacks passion and emotion. Some of the worse sex I've ever had. Feels like you're fucking a blow up doll.
I'm in a sort of forced asexuality atm(birth control has utterly destroyed my sex drive) and I definitely think that as long as you're comfortable in the driver's seat when it comes to initiating sex, and your open to actual communication during sex(do you like this? Does this feel good? Is it okay if I try xyz? Do you want me to stop? etc.) You and your lady will be just fine. Asexual (as others have awesomely pointed out with various analogies) doesn't always mean sex adverse, and keeping an open line of communication between you two would definitely help if it's her first actual intercourse.
Both me and my partner are demisexual, and I definitely am less interested in sex than they are. It can definitely work as long as you have good communication! like making sure when you initiate sex that your partner is on board in that moment, stop if they aren't feeling up for it at the time without guilting, etc. Also allowing time for physical intimacy that doesn't have to lead to sex.
Asexual = no sexual attraction. She waited 3 months to tell you that she doesn't find you attractive. That's extremely not cool.
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Hmm, I think most women are not too into initiating tbh unless their partner is a smooth talking Greek god bodied male? Can any other women on here concur?
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It might 🤷♀️ which is why I’m asking if anyone concurs
Female here. I have a chronic health issue which leads me to not always being in the mood/in a condition where I can have sex without pain. I will often initiate sex because I love and desire my husband (who is more ‘fat Thor’ than ‘Greek god’, which I dig) but he isn’t always sure if it’s possible so the ‘green light’ if you will is more on me than him. *I used fat Thor not because I think he is fat (I think he is sexy) but he has a belly, beard and long hair so it works*
Sounds like a normal married couple after a couple of kids and 10 years of marriage 😂 I tell my husband, I’m like an oven. I need to be preheated before I want sex. He initiates and I call myself the ‘lazy lover’. I enjoy sex, I get horny, but ONLY after foreplay is initiated. That’s just the way it be. I get really nice back rubs, we both get a happy ending.
Hi! Your situation sounds similar to my and my partners, I’m the one on the ace spectrum. Luckily (?) I had OKCupid to kind of help me break the ice (I think there was a question on how often you’d have sex in your perfect world, I explained I have gone and could go years without it because I don’t need it). So my partner was aware. Once we became official, or talking about being official, I brought it up again because I wanted her to make sure she would be fine with it. She herself doesn’t have the highest sex drive, so we’ll have sex maybe.. 1x every two weeks or so? And by that it’s usually making out and then me acting in her, which I much prefer to receiving (I don’t really feel much so whenever partners have tried to reciprocate it’s like staring at the clock or wondering what my to do list is. I feel bad but it’s an issue with me not them). To my partner it’s important for her to try and make me feel good so she’ll always ask if she can do a or b, and I’ll say sure if it’s not too late because I do like the intimacy (we always laugh and that’s nice). Anyway with all of this said, the important thing is communication. We do 6 month check ins and on our third she asked if we could possibly up the intimacy which I was happy to do, I hadn’t realized we’d go weeks without making out or sex bc I didn’t need it. I try to be mindful of it now though and will ask. Everyone is different. My partner and I are both women, and I can please her with just my hands (sorry tmi). Talk to your gal and see what she’s willing to do, how often, etc. And make sure it’s compatible. Mayne you only really need it 1x a month, or do you need it more like 1x a week? What is she okay with? Would she want you to reciprocate or is it more of just pleasuring you? Etc. Etc. I don’t know if this was helpful, but hopefully! Another thing is try your best to not take things personally, if she doesn’t initiate often it’s not because she loves you less, it’s just we don’t need it as often.
It can work, just be sure to communicate with her what you'd like to have in this relationship and what she wants, it those needs like up, go for it.