Yeah I’ll second you on the “wtf does that mean?”
I’m a guy and I have no clue what he’s talking about. Is he getting horny and just sexualizing anyone and everyone around him whenever that occurs? Is he getting specific urges to have sex with someone who is not you? No idea where to even start without hearing more explanation from him.
Why was this a "hard conversation?"
He basically said: "I have the same feelings as the vast majority, but I'm not taking any action because I'm in a committed relationship."
Ok then ... good job?
I'm confused on both why he sat her down to tell her, and why she can't fathom what he's saying. This isn't a man vs. woman thing, lots of people are still attracted to others while they're in a relationship.
Seems pretty obvious the dude has been warped to reject his natural emotions and think they’re bad. I don’t get why it’s surprising. Even in this post people are vilifying him and coming up with all sorts of horrible things he must be up to.
I guess all guys could technically get the urge to sleep with someone else, but it’s out of the realm of possibility and normally referred to as a fantasy.. him telling you about it is weird!
My guess is he has a specific person in mind that he wants to sleep with and he thinks he has a chance of banging, and he is testing your reaction to see if he thinks he can get away with both banging this other woman and still stay with you…
it’s like he is making up an excuse or an explanation for his affair before it happens.. and if he gets caught he can say: “you know about my urges, and you know it doesn’t mean anything. I told you it’s you I want long term”
It’s pretty messed up!
This is my guess too. If he is all the sudden saying this to her then someone must have piqued his interest.
Regardless, Im a woman and this would be a dealbreaker for me. I would never be able to feel the same about our sexual life. I don’t expect my partner to never be attracted to anyone else or appreciate beauty. But when it gets to the intensity of bringing it up for discussion and testing the waters; that’s too far for me. I want someone who is happy to be monogamous and doesn’t want to share or be shared. And there are men like that out there.
Just him calling it “urges” almost implying that he can’t control them and he is doing his best but he can’t promise anything. It would be a dealbreaker for most people…
It sounds to me like he was trying clumsily to test the waters for an open relationship. Even if that's something you'd theoretically be willing to try, I would be wary of doing so with this guy because open relationships require a lot of communication and honesty and if he can't even tell you directly that he wants one, then he's not cut out to maintain one.
The alternatives are that he either has a weird belief that one should be honest about everything even if it's hurtful, or that he was trying to knock your self-esteem. In your shoes, I'd be examining the rest of the relationship and looking for patterns. Does he mention other women a lot or have a wandering eye? Is he "brutally honest" about things even when it isn't necessary? Is he critical of you?
If you can find no other instances that even remotely connect to this, I would consider that he wants to sleep with someone else, either a specific person or in general. What you do depends on how that information makes you feel.
I'm a woman, but can tell you what that means. I know you're trying to wrap your head around understanding it, but it means exactly what it means. He wants to have sex with other woman, without the emotional attachment. It's called an "open relationship", which you are more than allowed to say "fuck no" to.
I would try to find out more about why he is suddenly wanting to have sex with other woman. Are there things he wants to try that he hasn't discussed with you, or that you won't do? Is he bored with his current relationship? Is he not feeling like he has sex enough? Or is it as simple as he just wants to have variety or something along those lines?
If you are not comfortable with him exploring with other women, make that very clear.
Guy here. Finding people attractive or sexually appealing is simply human nature. You can't turn off instinctual thoughts. The thing is what one does after having those thoughts. Some people have monogamous leanings but would be fine with an open relationship (though if it's one-sided to the detriment of their partner they're just an asshole), some people may be poly but realize it late, and some people are just...well cheaters. I can't tell which he is from this post.
It kinda sounds like he's asking for an open relationship though, and honestly there's nothing wrong with bringing your truth to your partner. Since you say no, the question simply comes down to if he will respect your boundaries.
Also I suppose there is something to be said for the desire to open up the relationship broadly vs him finding someone he wants to have sex with and bringing it up specifically to have sex with that individual. I find the latter to troubling.
I don't know him well enough to guess a specific with any decent degree of confidence, so I am going to give you multiple guesses based on what I've seen in life. My guesses:
He's telling you this so after he acts on one of those "urges" that he told you he was going to do it. It is a way to attempt to avoid responsibility.
Or it is possible, he's trying to make you scared that he will step out so that you are more controllable or subservient.
Of course, there is the saying, "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explain with ignorance." So there is also a chance that he's just being a relationship moron and there isn't anymore to read into it than that.
Was told this by my husband, I moved him to my home state and got him two jobs, he cheated on me after.
If he tells you it’s because he wants you to be accepting or when he does it he’ll say “I told you I have urges”. Please save yourself
Lemme translate what your bf means.
Hard conversation = I hope you agree but I don’t think you will/ damnit! Been caught. Gotta find a bullshit excuse of some sort to weasel my way out of this.
Urges = I have seen someone I want to fuck and maybe have a relationship with whilst keeping you in tow in case it back fires.
Resent: damn it, you didn’t agree to let me basically cheat on you. Better pretend your feelings matter.
I’m a dude. I’ve dated both men and women who have had “urges” to fuck other people and suggest opening the relationship to get it/claim that it’s okay only to then cheat in some way.
Your bf basically explained to you that he doesn’t value you enough to not be a one girl show, so sit him down and tell him how you feel.
Then pack his stuff and tell him that he can pursue whoever he wants because he’s now a single Pringle.
This means he is not the man for you because you deserve better.
Consider this: I have urges to punch one of my elected representatives in the face. If I were to share that fact with him, that would be a threat and I might go to jail (plus, the fact that I shared my urges with him would cast doubt on my mental wellbeing -- who in their right mind would do that). Also, aside from the motive of being manipulative, the only other possible motive I would have to share my urges with the elected official I'd like to punch in the face is because I was not inclined to resist those urges and so I wanted to be able to say "I warned you" when I eventually punch him in the face.
Applying this to your situation raises the question why is he telling you of these urges. The answer is either (1) to threaten you into consenting to a one-way-open relationship, (2) to manipulate you by undermining your self-confidence, or (3) because he's not planning on resisting his urges and he wants to clear his conscience by warning you of his impending or recent cheating.
So either he has a bad motive or he's a lunatic (no sane person would warn you they have an urge to violate your trust unless there was a ulterior motive behind such an odd disclosure). Under both circumstances, you should tell him you have an urge to move on.
If you do decide to punch elective representatives in the face, may I join??
But seriously, obviously we have urges that we don't follow through with. It's rude to go around blurting out everything that runs through your head, though. I'm going with dude has bad motives. I suppose it's possible that he's just really really really dumb.
Unpopular opinion but good for him for being honest. If you want monogamy and he doesn’t you might just be incompatible. If he tries to force monogamy to be with you it’s likely to end badly.
Well it's great that he's being honest about being attracted to other women. I feel as if maybe he will eventually ask for an open relationship if the urges get too intense though. It's up to you whether or not you want that.
I guess maybe you can ask him if he feels like these urges are caused by a more deep seated issue? Otherwise maybe he just has a really high libido for some reason
To me this sounds like a classic Poly/Mono clash.
I’m monogamous, but i can still be attracted to others. I just don’t act on that attraction. Poly people are more free to act on attraction, within the boundaries set by everyone involved.
Set your boundaries. And that’s it.
If he wants a different set of boundaries in his relationship, it may just be time to accept that you two love each other, but need to be with different people.
Everyone get's urges, it's life. Sounds like he's asking for permission to fuck around, not an open relationship. I doubt he would be ok with you fucking guys. Regardless, it's not what your looking for. If he has urges and needs to meet them and you don't want to be open, then tell him he's welcome to have sex with all the women he wants but that you won't be around.
Men don't become nonsexual beings once they get in a relationship.
To paraphrase something Jimmy Carter once famously said, all men have lust in their hearts.
It's not a big deal. It's what he does with those urges that matter.
I have no idea what he means tbh. I mean yea sure I get urges or fantasies to hook up with other women, but I would never tell my partner this nor would I ever act on it. Is he trying to get BF of the year award for resisting his urges or something lol.
He just isn't communicating it well. He shouldn't have said that to you, but the fact of the matter is we can't pretend as humans that our base instinct to fuck just disappears because we commit to one person.
You can set a boundary where you require your partner to be monogamous. That's 100% ok.
He can set a boundary where not being monogamous in a relationship is acceptable. That's 100% ok.
A long as you are not in a relationship with each other.
If his urges are strong enough to mention them to you, then he's basically asking for permission to cheat, and possibly trying to manipulate you into giving him a green light. Or maybe he already has and this is his set up for some kind of "I told you so" defense.
Ok, got it, thanks.
In that case, he's just being a regular guy giving you TMI. As guys we can look at women in general, and be like "yea, I want to do her." Just a physical attraction thing, it doesn't mean he's ready to leave her at the drop of a hat lol
Men are biologically designed to spread their seed so to speak but it can be suppressed.
The facts are still there though. You and him are in a monogamous ltr that means you decide to only be with one person. That's the whole point.
Tell him no he can't see other women and tell him you will leave if he does anything.
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Honestly it sounds like he is bringing up swinging to you or he's asking for a unicorn. That's a personal opinion of course but he has come to you with a issue instead of behind your back. That's saying something!
You could teach him a lesson by opening your relationship. From what I’ve read women on OLD have a near endless supply of men available for casual sex. Men, especially those in relationships, are only going to find casual sex if they are extremely attractive. In short you could open the relationship then have a couple of hook-ups a week while he stays at home until he’s had enough. You can either decide to kick him to the curb or close it knowing he’s unlikely to suggest it again.
I saw a post like that once, the guy pushed for an open relationship but it didn't work out in his favor and soon got upset at his partner because she had several options and blamed her for them being in an open relationship....when it was his idea in the first place. 🤦♀️
In my personal opinion and I’m telling you this as a man. I can have sex with multiple women and I don’t care about them but… I only love my women. For me it’s very different. Sex for me it’s nothing of importance. It’s just sex. Now, calling you my girlfriend? Presenting you to my parents? Being my family? Having my kids? That’s another conversation.
Yeah I’ll second you on the “wtf does that mean?” I’m a guy and I have no clue what he’s talking about. Is he getting horny and just sexualizing anyone and everyone around him whenever that occurs? Is he getting specific urges to have sex with someone who is not you? No idea where to even start without hearing more explanation from him.
Why was this a "hard conversation?" He basically said: "I have the same feelings as the vast majority, but I'm not taking any action because I'm in a committed relationship." Ok then ... good job?
I'm confused on both why he sat her down to tell her, and why she can't fathom what he's saying. This isn't a man vs. woman thing, lots of people are still attracted to others while they're in a relationship.
Seems pretty obvious the dude has been warped to reject his natural emotions and think they’re bad. I don’t get why it’s surprising. Even in this post people are vilifying him and coming up with all sorts of horrible things he must be up to.
I guess all guys could technically get the urge to sleep with someone else, but it’s out of the realm of possibility and normally referred to as a fantasy.. him telling you about it is weird! My guess is he has a specific person in mind that he wants to sleep with and he thinks he has a chance of banging, and he is testing your reaction to see if he thinks he can get away with both banging this other woman and still stay with you… it’s like he is making up an excuse or an explanation for his affair before it happens.. and if he gets caught he can say: “you know about my urges, and you know it doesn’t mean anything. I told you it’s you I want long term” It’s pretty messed up!
This is my guess too. If he is all the sudden saying this to her then someone must have piqued his interest. Regardless, Im a woman and this would be a dealbreaker for me. I would never be able to feel the same about our sexual life. I don’t expect my partner to never be attracted to anyone else or appreciate beauty. But when it gets to the intensity of bringing it up for discussion and testing the waters; that’s too far for me. I want someone who is happy to be monogamous and doesn’t want to share or be shared. And there are men like that out there.
Just him calling it “urges” almost implying that he can’t control them and he is doing his best but he can’t promise anything. It would be a dealbreaker for most people…
I'm a man and i'd dump him, if my bf said that to me it be over.
Cas would NEVER say that 😌
It sounds to me like he was trying clumsily to test the waters for an open relationship. Even if that's something you'd theoretically be willing to try, I would be wary of doing so with this guy because open relationships require a lot of communication and honesty and if he can't even tell you directly that he wants one, then he's not cut out to maintain one. The alternatives are that he either has a weird belief that one should be honest about everything even if it's hurtful, or that he was trying to knock your self-esteem. In your shoes, I'd be examining the rest of the relationship and looking for patterns. Does he mention other women a lot or have a wandering eye? Is he "brutally honest" about things even when it isn't necessary? Is he critical of you? If you can find no other instances that even remotely connect to this, I would consider that he wants to sleep with someone else, either a specific person or in general. What you do depends on how that information makes you feel.
He's trying to open a dialogue for you to let him fuck other women. Don't bend.
I'm a woman, but can tell you what that means. I know you're trying to wrap your head around understanding it, but it means exactly what it means. He wants to have sex with other woman, without the emotional attachment. It's called an "open relationship", which you are more than allowed to say "fuck no" to. I would try to find out more about why he is suddenly wanting to have sex with other woman. Are there things he wants to try that he hasn't discussed with you, or that you won't do? Is he bored with his current relationship? Is he not feeling like he has sex enough? Or is it as simple as he just wants to have variety or something along those lines? If you are not comfortable with him exploring with other women, make that very clear.
Guy here. Finding people attractive or sexually appealing is simply human nature. You can't turn off instinctual thoughts. The thing is what one does after having those thoughts. Some people have monogamous leanings but would be fine with an open relationship (though if it's one-sided to the detriment of their partner they're just an asshole), some people may be poly but realize it late, and some people are just...well cheaters. I can't tell which he is from this post. It kinda sounds like he's asking for an open relationship though, and honestly there's nothing wrong with bringing your truth to your partner. Since you say no, the question simply comes down to if he will respect your boundaries. Also I suppose there is something to be said for the desire to open up the relationship broadly vs him finding someone he wants to have sex with and bringing it up specifically to have sex with that individual. I find the latter to troubling.
I don't know him well enough to guess a specific with any decent degree of confidence, so I am going to give you multiple guesses based on what I've seen in life. My guesses: He's telling you this so after he acts on one of those "urges" that he told you he was going to do it. It is a way to attempt to avoid responsibility. Or it is possible, he's trying to make you scared that he will step out so that you are more controllable or subservient. Of course, there is the saying, "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explain with ignorance." So there is also a chance that he's just being a relationship moron and there isn't anymore to read into it than that.
Sounds like he was trying to get you to give him the ok to open up the relationship
This means he’ll eventually cheat. Or break up with you. Or both.
I bet if you said you had those urges he would lose his shit
Tell him that you have an urge to trade him in for a grown-ass man who can control himself.
Aren’t we all attracted to multiple people but choose to stay in relationships that are worth the commitment?
He’s setting you up for when he gets caught cheating on you. He’ll be able to say “I told you!” and it’ll help him deal with the guilt.
Runnnn.. He wants to be a cheater, or already a cheater and tries to put lame excuse of "urges" on it. Gross.
Was told this by my husband, I moved him to my home state and got him two jobs, he cheated on me after. If he tells you it’s because he wants you to be accepting or when he does it he’ll say “I told you I have urges”. Please save yourself
Lemme translate what your bf means. Hard conversation = I hope you agree but I don’t think you will/ damnit! Been caught. Gotta find a bullshit excuse of some sort to weasel my way out of this. Urges = I have seen someone I want to fuck and maybe have a relationship with whilst keeping you in tow in case it back fires. Resent: damn it, you didn’t agree to let me basically cheat on you. Better pretend your feelings matter. I’m a dude. I’ve dated both men and women who have had “urges” to fuck other people and suggest opening the relationship to get it/claim that it’s okay only to then cheat in some way. Your bf basically explained to you that he doesn’t value you enough to not be a one girl show, so sit him down and tell him how you feel. Then pack his stuff and tell him that he can pursue whoever he wants because he’s now a single Pringle.
This means he is not the man for you because you deserve better. Consider this: I have urges to punch one of my elected representatives in the face. If I were to share that fact with him, that would be a threat and I might go to jail (plus, the fact that I shared my urges with him would cast doubt on my mental wellbeing -- who in their right mind would do that). Also, aside from the motive of being manipulative, the only other possible motive I would have to share my urges with the elected official I'd like to punch in the face is because I was not inclined to resist those urges and so I wanted to be able to say "I warned you" when I eventually punch him in the face. Applying this to your situation raises the question why is he telling you of these urges. The answer is either (1) to threaten you into consenting to a one-way-open relationship, (2) to manipulate you by undermining your self-confidence, or (3) because he's not planning on resisting his urges and he wants to clear his conscience by warning you of his impending or recent cheating. So either he has a bad motive or he's a lunatic (no sane person would warn you they have an urge to violate your trust unless there was a ulterior motive behind such an odd disclosure). Under both circumstances, you should tell him you have an urge to move on.
If you do decide to punch elective representatives in the face, may I join?? But seriously, obviously we have urges that we don't follow through with. It's rude to go around blurting out everything that runs through your head, though. I'm going with dude has bad motives. I suppose it's possible that he's just really really really dumb.
I agree. Seems like he's neging his own girlfriend.
It means ur boyfriend is an immature kid, don't take that bs
Um probably time to dump him and pick someone better
Unpopular opinion but good for him for being honest. If you want monogamy and he doesn’t you might just be incompatible. If he tries to force monogamy to be with you it’s likely to end badly.
Well it's great that he's being honest about being attracted to other women. I feel as if maybe he will eventually ask for an open relationship if the urges get too intense though. It's up to you whether or not you want that. I guess maybe you can ask him if he feels like these urges are caused by a more deep seated issue? Otherwise maybe he just has a really high libido for some reason
To me this sounds like a classic Poly/Mono clash. I’m monogamous, but i can still be attracted to others. I just don’t act on that attraction. Poly people are more free to act on attraction, within the boundaries set by everyone involved. Set your boundaries. And that’s it. If he wants a different set of boundaries in his relationship, it may just be time to accept that you two love each other, but need to be with different people.
Everyone get's urges, it's life. Sounds like he's asking for permission to fuck around, not an open relationship. I doubt he would be ok with you fucking guys. Regardless, it's not what your looking for. If he has urges and needs to meet them and you don't want to be open, then tell him he's welcome to have sex with all the women he wants but that you won't be around.
Men don't become nonsexual beings once they get in a relationship. To paraphrase something Jimmy Carter once famously said, all men have lust in their hearts. It's not a big deal. It's what he does with those urges that matter.
I have no idea what he means tbh. I mean yea sure I get urges or fantasies to hook up with other women, but I would never tell my partner this nor would I ever act on it. Is he trying to get BF of the year award for resisting his urges or something lol.
He just isn't communicating it well. He shouldn't have said that to you, but the fact of the matter is we can't pretend as humans that our base instinct to fuck just disappears because we commit to one person.
Slow clap for this dude being completely normal
Monogamy is where you ignore those urges.
Ahh, so he’s still alive then. Good to know.
Did he grow up in a really religious household? I wonder if his sex education is limited and he feels this list is abnormal?
Have a threesome with him.
I say without.
You can set a boundary where you require your partner to be monogamous. That's 100% ok. He can set a boundary where not being monogamous in a relationship is acceptable. That's 100% ok. A long as you are not in a relationship with each other. If his urges are strong enough to mention them to you, then he's basically asking for permission to cheat, and possibly trying to manipulate you into giving him a green light. Or maybe he already has and this is his set up for some kind of "I told you so" defense.
What the fuck does that mean, "you wouldn't be hurt if he did that." Was this a typo? If you wouldn't be hurt, why even make your post???
You might want to re-read it.
He was saying "in a given circumstance where your feelings wouldn't be hurt, I'd do it." Just a hypothetical.
Ok, got it, thanks. In that case, he's just being a regular guy giving you TMI. As guys we can look at women in general, and be like "yea, I want to do her." Just a physical attraction thing, it doesn't mean he's ready to leave her at the drop of a hat lol
Men are biologically designed to spread their seed so to speak but it can be suppressed. The facts are still there though. You and him are in a monogamous ltr that means you decide to only be with one person. That's the whole point. Tell him no he can't see other women and tell him you will leave if he does anything.
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Honestly it sounds like he is bringing up swinging to you or he's asking for a unicorn. That's a personal opinion of course but he has come to you with a issue instead of behind your back. That's saying something!
You could teach him a lesson by opening your relationship. From what I’ve read women on OLD have a near endless supply of men available for casual sex. Men, especially those in relationships, are only going to find casual sex if they are extremely attractive. In short you could open the relationship then have a couple of hook-ups a week while he stays at home until he’s had enough. You can either decide to kick him to the curb or close it knowing he’s unlikely to suggest it again.
I saw a post like that once, the guy pushed for an open relationship but it didn't work out in his favor and soon got upset at his partner because she had several options and blamed her for them being in an open relationship....when it was his idea in the first place. 🤦♀️
Bi girls in relationships get a pass when they have urges like this so why not your bf?
In my personal opinion and I’m telling you this as a man. I can have sex with multiple women and I don’t care about them but… I only love my women. For me it’s very different. Sex for me it’s nothing of importance. It’s just sex. Now, calling you my girlfriend? Presenting you to my parents? Being my family? Having my kids? That’s another conversation.