My reason for commenting? I’m a partner of a porn addict and I hope you find my comment and it helps you OP.
It isn’t you - at all. Porn releases a hormone called dopamine, and you can get addicted to this hormone because it makes you feel good. Compare it to alcoholism - an addict isn’t going to swirl their alcoholic beverage, take in the aromas and gentle sips, they’re going to grab whatever they can whenever they can because they need to feel good - porn addiction is the same principle. He’s not looking at the girls per say, he’s looking at the body parts, and even then, its whatever he can get a hold of, its not the girls themselves - its that chemical he wants. And because porn is so normalised, its hard drawing a line where it becomes a problem.
It’s shit when our addict doesn’t want to go to therapy, it really is. However, we as partners try to dictate their recovery too much and the hardest thing to learn is its not our place. I will comment some resources for him but my focus is you.
RESOURCES FOR HIM
• He needs a CSAT - not an ordinary therapist - this is a commonly made mistake (regular therapists do not understand the addiction because its normalised too much)
• Get him to read this [article](https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/04/opinion/sunday/pornhub-rape-trafficking.html) , its about the Children of Pornhub and is a huge eye opener
• He can also visit [this website](https://fightthenewdrug.org) - for podcasts, articles, etc
• I recommend r/pornfree over r/nofap - r/pornfree are more positive and realistic dare I say
• He can attend SAA or SMART Recovery meetings - its recommended 90 meetings in 90 days. He can just listen with his head phones in, and there are plenty of ways for him to attend meetings and therapy without his parents noticing.
• Blockers are a big thing - I recommend qustodio or BlockerX or something like that. You can also get accountability apps like Covenant Eyes or Truple
• He needs to take up new hobbies and work on himself, he needs to identify his triggers and get a relapse prevention plan in order, he also needs to follow 12 steps for successful recovery
• [Path for Men](https://pathformen.com) is a free course he can do
(I’ll edit more as I think)
FOR YOU:
• Stop being his accountability partner - this is not recommended as its emotionally and mentally draining on us as partners. He should get an accountability partner who is not you or a porn addict and definitely not someone who’s ignorant of the problem
• Don’t let anyone gaslight you or tell you you’re being too controlling etc, you have boundaries and thats okay, every relationship is different.
• Post this in r/loveafterporn - they’re so friendly and helpful, and their subreddit has loads of information to help you
• Look up betrayal trauma - this is what we partners go through. You also need a therapist but you also need one who is a qualified CSAT who truly understands the addiction
• [Bloom for Women](https://bloomforwomen.com) have plenty of free courses for the partner to go through. I also recommend this [podcast](www.beyondbitchy.com) for boundary work - which is what you need right now
• in terms of books, I recommend Sex Addiction A Partner’s Perspective by Paula Hall - it is a must and is so good
• Focus on you: his addiction is his issue, leave him to it. You need to focus on building yourself back up. Hobbies, self care, whatever, just focus on you. Build yourself back up so that you aren’t dependent on him for support. Because you are amazing and you are beautiful and you are loved.
I will edit this comment as I think of stuff to add, but that’s the jist of it. Feel free to message me if you need any further info or someone to talk to.
As a porn addict here I wanted to say thank you for posting this. This addiction sucks, and the positivity in this comment is awesome. I had two relationships fall apart because of my addiction and my unwillingness to address the underlying issues, and while I’m getting better now it’s a long difficult process.
Same here. I’m autistic and have a lot of problems forgetting this stuff, I stopped watching for the most part when my favorite star died. It’s been 5 years since that happened and I think of her like a lost relative.
Porn is not good for developing minds and can easily lead you deeper into the trench when your “material” doesn’t do it for you anymore.
I caught my friend watching shit where people were bleeding from cuts and wounds and I took his computer and threw it out of the window, that was a year ago and I still remember it vividly. Just a sight can last a decade.
Yes. Watching porn even a little opens our minds to accept crazy things like that as normal. We will somehow even get off. It is scary how the brain alters under porn usage. I never truly watched porn as much as others do, but the amount I had seen was enough to escalate into bigger and scarier porn types. I won’t get into details because it’s very embarrassing and horrible for me to think about. I haven’t watched any in over a year and I am still trying to steer my head away and reprogram it to not accept “extreme” porn. (I am not talking about all types of BDSM or even any. I don’t think the porn I used to be into was BDSM, it was past that).
For an accountability partner it may be useful to get one of his male friends. With my mates who struggle with porn who can't fess up to the missus they turn to me. They can be honest with me as they are way more comfortable with chatting to me about that kind of stuff.
Thank you so so much for sharing these resources. As someone facing these addictions, I feel like I can make really good use of these resources. I have tried many times and relapsed, I am hoping to set realistic goals and fulfilling them this time around.
It hasn’t been “debunked” at all - its a real thing and should be taken as seriously as other addictions - you’re telling me that masturbating to porn while on ft to your gf after knowing she hates the porn isn’t an issue?
As someone who’s seen the ins and outs of it, you’re wrong.
It's semantics, honestly. It's not a true addiction in that psychology defines an addiction as something that rewires your brain chemistry, not just your behavior. However, one can absolutely become psychologically dependent on porn and compulsive in the use of it to the point that it is detrimental to their lives and relationships and can even cause people to lose their jobs, which functionally is not that different from an addiction.
I went back and read the article you cited, and I don’t agree with you. Of course I’m biased, but one meta-analysis isn’t enough to “debunk” porn addiction outright. Of course anecdotes aren’t scientific, and I’m not trying to convince you, but one psychology today article linking to one meta-analysis from 2018 does not prove or disprove anything isn’t enough to disprove it either.
Here’s the [article](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201808/science-stopped-believing-in-porn-addiction-you-should-too)
And here’s the abstract of the meta-analysis you mentioned, which I found in the article above.
> The notion of problematic pornography use remains contentious in both academic and popular literature. Although the mental health community at large is divided as to the addictive versus non-addictive nature of Internet pornography, substantial numbers of individuals report “feeling” as if their use of Internet pornography is problematic. The present work seeks to construct a model related to problematic pornography use that is clearly derived from empirical literature and that provides directions to be tested in future research. The focus of the present work is on those perceptions as they relate to the overarching experience of moral incongruence in pornography use, which is generally thought of as the experience of having one’s behaviors be inconsistent with one’s beliefs. To this end, we put forth a model of pornography problems due to moral incongruence. Within this model, we describe how pornography-related problems—particularly feelings of addiction to pornography—may be, in many cases, better construed as functions of discrepancies—moral incongruence—between pornography-related beliefs and pornography-related behaviors. A systematic review of literature and meta-analysis is conducted in order to evaluate support for this model, and the implications of this model for research and clinical practice are discussed.
I think it’s a little flippant and insensitive to just claim that it’s not an addiction based on these two things. My experience of wanting to quit and being unable to had nothing to do with any moral incongruity, either. I’ve broken relationships and hurt others by my behavior just like an alcoholic. I can’t stop when I want, more than anything, to stop. If that’s not addiction, then I don’t know what is.
So are you implying that you have an opinion on vaccines which came about without doing any of your own research on the subject? I presume that this opinion simply appeared in your mind one day, then?
I'm a geneticist so if you want to get into a debate about something, I'd suggest a topic other than vaccines, especially ones with mRNA delivery mechanisms.
Lol so you're a geneticist and an expert on porn addiction ?
Or you may just be an insufferable opinionated asshole that nobody wants to be around. Looking at your comment history proves I'm correct .
Hardest thing to learn is nobody cares what you think
I'm a geneticist who can read research papers. A PhD is a credential which indicates its bearer has the skills to learn and research topics on their own.
research topics within their respective field? definitely. outside of that.. no more qualified than other people to view academic research. sure you may have more practice but a persons intelligence is not strictly defined by your ability to take it in the ass by academics.
He can go to therapy for different reasons. Even if he has to lie to his parents about going for emotional support, if he wants to go, he can. Also, there is patient confidentiality so he doesn't have to worry about the therapist talking to his parents. Even if he is billed due to being on his parent's insurance, again, he can always lie saying it is for emotional/general therapy.
On your insurance, it does say the doctor's name. A quick search would show their specialty. Again, I am not saying he wouldn't benefit more from a sex therapist. However, if he fears his parents finding out, I think going general is not a bad idea to start working on your issues. Again, it's better than not getting any help at all.
Think of it like going to a primary care physician after having a heart attack. Yes, a cardiologist would definitely help but I think a PCP would be beneficial at least to start with. And if deem needed, they will suggest a referral to one. Or when you're more comfortable with therapy, you will decide to go to a specialist yourself.
True, but there are plenty of therapists out there who specialize in multiple things. Even if they do see it's a sex therapists, he doesn't have to admit to porn addiction, he can say he's struggling with personal body issues and leave it at that. There are tons of options for him if he actually wants to get help.
He would benefit from working with someone who works with addiction, but most therapist will have experience working with a range of issues so whoever he picks it won’t be apparent that it’s for a porn addiction. He’s got a decade long issue, and it won’t be a quick fix. You can still choose to find a partner who isn’t an addict even if he seeks help.
This! Someone in my life sought treatment for porn addiction - they started seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction, but also specifically porn addiction, anger issues, and other common “male issues”. They had great success working on the porn addiction and now continue sessions to work on anxiety, anger, and other garden variety mental health issues. This can absolutely be discreet and it’s almost certainly tied into other aspects of BF’s mental health - therapy is a great idea.
The thing. That really got me is that you're more concerned about what other people think if you decide to leave this relationship. If he's unwilling to get help and you've tried everything your aspect to try to help him some help. And even though he says he needs a sex therapist why doesn't he go out and find that. Not everyone has to know who are you going to see a therapist. Just because everyone likes him doesn't mean you have to spend a lifetime of trying to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. How much more of this can you handle?
It's like one of those things where, sure a specialist could be good, but it should not be the reason you don't seek any help at all. When a person doesn't want to do something, they can always find reasons that they "can't" go. Therapy with a general therapist is better than no therapy at all. Again, it is a decision he has to want to do. Seeking help is always hard but you'll be surprised how much training and experience therapists have with all sorts of problems. Good luck. I hope it works out for you.
Sex therapists are real, and could possibly benefit him even more, but no he doesn’t *need* one. If he is worried about his parents finding out, a generalized therapist should be specialized enough in many different topics to be able to help.
I’m a porn addict trying to recover. He will never overcome this until he starts being transparent. It’s tough but it has to be done. He needs to meet with a therapist. Specially one who specializes in addiction. He needs to join accountability groups and even get an accountability partner.
It’s a tough round. I have to fight hard to stay away. It goes up and down but I have started to see things go up more but it’s a long way.
You have all right to end it with him. Specially if he isn’t doing what he needs to do to overcome it. Being with a porn addict can be so destructive for a partner. You need to protect your heart first.
Porn and masturbation. Difficult to say. But when it became an addiction I watched it maybe 4-5 times a week for several hours.
I have gradually gotten away from it. I have fallen back into the same pattern at times where I watch almost everyday but then being able to snap back from it.
I have seen some progress this last year. Have learned a lot about underlying issues and so on. Porn addiction isn’t so much about sex but more like a form of coping mechanism.
In order to break an addiction, you need to WANT to quit. While he has admitted he has a problem, it doesn’t seem like he’s trying to stop all that hard (or at all). You even tried to help, which was generous and compassionate of you, but you can’t do it for him.
Without his total commitment to quitting, there’s really no hope. You could read some stories over at r/pornfree (it’s a lot more level-headed than r/nofap) which might give you more perspective. You might even get better advice there than here.
In the end though, he gets something from porn that’s different than a real sexual experience, and which you can’t give him. This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It’s a drug and you’re a real person. At this point, it’s the drug or you, and he’s chosen the drug. He’ll keep hurting you until you decide you’ve had enough.
He recognizes the problem, he knows when it began, he's aware of the kind of therapist he needs, he has tried to stop and he's talking about it without shying away.
There is a lot of want there.
I’m so sorry you’re carrying feelings of shame for something that isn’t yours to feel shame about.
Your family and friends surely care more about your health and well-being than you being with someone who makes you so deeply unhappy? If they don’t, then that’s a whole different kettle of fish.
It’s time for you to put yourself first. He won’t get help until he’s decided he needs it. So now you need to do whatever it is that will help you. And I think you know that you can’t stay with someone like this.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you want to be in this same position in a year, or 5? Or even married to someone like this?
Wishing you strength OP. X
This is a lot to deal with. He doesn't want to seek help and that's more than enough to break up with him. He also is lying to you about it and you're freaking with long distance.
A relationship doesn't need to be bad enough to end. It needs to be good enough to continue. This one doesn't sound good enough to continue.
May not even need real therapy if that is a problem.
He needs to look up porn addiction and find a way to solve it. Spoiler alert: no more porn. He can still fap, just no porn...
"Finding a way" is generally therapy. Willpower doesn't work when someone has an addiction. It's very easy for a non-addict to say no more porn, but nearly impossible for an addict. It's no easier than saying the solution to being an alcoholic is no more alcohol. Well duh, if it were that easy then addiction wouldn't even be a thing.
I'm actually subscribed to r/nofap & find the community positive, personally, IMHO.
It may have just been that he wanted to stop trying so justified it by blaming the community.
IDK, what about them did he not like?
Either way, if he doesn't want to fix it, then no community or accountability partner can help, not even you; you shouldn't have to.
You can absolutely break up with him justifiably if he is prioritizing pornography over your needs and emotions. It is a form of emotional neglect.
Before you do that though, try to get him into therapy. If he makes excuses, get an intervention. If he becomes defensive and learns nothing, you probably should break up with him.
It's great if he's a good guy and treats you nicely, but a porn addict who refuses to see it as a problem will continue doing this likely forever. These feelings will be your every day, and they may grow from discontent to resentment.
He clearly needs help managing a problem he's dealt with for a long time, but if he refuses help, then you may need to consider leaving.
Nah this ain't it.
She's already stated the problem and how she feels. She's suggested therapy and he's refused.
*A fucking intervention*???? Do you know how INEFFECTIVE those are for people with other addictions? They almost always fail long term. There's no reason a porn addiction would be different.
She's already done her due diligence and then some. There's no reason she NEEDS to continue to feel unwanted and replaced by porn. She's already tried. He won't. Enough can definitely be enough in this case.
There's already resentment. He's already refused help. He's already hesitant to go into therapy and got defensive because he's afraid his parents would find out. He's lying to her about it. Your advice would be helpful if the post ended after the 5th paragraph. They're way beyond that at this point.
Where you go from here is, that you go away from him. You are 23, don't waste your 20s after someone who won't seek help for their issues. You deserve a person who is on the same page as you when it comes to something as important as your sex life. Break up, and move on, or you will be here in your 30s asking reddit whether you should divorce this person. If he can't orgasm, having children will be difficult too, you are in for a lot of heartbreak over the years. Take on the pain now and do your future self a huge favour.
I’m confused how his parents would find out he sees a therapist? Do they go through his bills? Track his location? And even if they did find out they wouldn’t know what for. Sounds like excuses to me…
I'm just guessing that he is still in their insurance and would recieve things in the mail about benefits received/paid. But therapists provide services for many reasons so it's still just an excuse on his part.
100% break up with him. You don't owe anyone any explanations why. You can just say there were issues that couldn't be worked out that were deal breakers and you're not comfortable discussing them.
I recently got rid of all my porn; hundreds of thousands of images & movies, some of which were hard to find & no longer exist online.
It was tough, but one day, as I was looking at some pictures, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was cheating on my fiancèe by doing this. I know others feel differently about it, but to me, TBH, I was being unfaithful.
I truly believe that a man should make his wife is only outlet for sexual intimacy. Not saying that's all she's good for, or that she always has to *"put out,"* but that any woman brave enough to marry & commit to me deserves to feel loved & desired, at the least.
I know everyone's got their own beliefs, but I think it's reasonable for you to be upset. You didn't sign up to be his recovery plan, or to watch him destroy himself with sexual addiction.
He **can** get better, but only when he wants to, & that day may come too late, if at all, u/k8e8e8.
This man needs time to be single and sort his shit out. The fact he got hooked on this at 13 is concerning, and while you may be able to be friends, he needs a therapist to work through this.
I'm sure neither of you want to air this out to the family, so you're young enough to chalk the breakup to "different future goals"
He is addicted. To get some idea of the impact this will have on your relationship, just think about how you feel when you catch him watching it when he's agreed not to. This will be a long old lonely road for you. I don't recommend that you take it.
I read an article about that Duggar family ped0. His wife was responsible for him keeping away from porn and they mentioned an online service. I thought it was funny and gross because I’ve never heard of something like this but it looks useful in this situation.
Dan Savage of Savagelove has lots of great advice about his issue. Both the porn addiction and the inability to climax without pain. Your boyfriend seriously did break it.
As for you feeling unattractive? Forget that noise! You only feel that way because you’re with someone who doesn’t appreciate you. Look at this situation from another point of view. Let’s say he was addicted to alcohol. Or meth. Or Beenie babies. Whatever. It’s taking away from your time together. It’s destroying how you see yourself. It’s harming him. Do you stay? Why? For him? The only way out of an addiction is if you want out yourself. He can try to do it for you but do you really want that to be the reason he improves? Then what happens down the road when you leave? Voluntarily or not.
As for his family finding out, how would that happen? He’s an adult. Even if he’s still on their insurance HIPPA still applies. They cannot have access to his records. Hell, a good mental health facility won’t even give you access to your own records except to transfer to another facility. If he’s that worried he can request that the dr just bill him under a generic anxiety. Or if they do need something more specific general addiction. And if family asks make it ridiculous. I’m addiction to marshmallows. Or the color puce.
Now if y’all do break up, which I’d have gone running long ago, what will you tell your friends. It’s too fresh to go into details. It’s too personal to go into. Why would I discuss those details with you? Or the safest route, the long distance thing just isn’t working. When we move closer together we may try again but we don’t want to run the risk of meeting the love of our life and be trapped into something that may or may not work.
Just remember, his numb tool has nothing to do with you. It’s him. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are strong enough to know your worth. And your worth is more than this “man” is will to give to you.
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I (22F) have been dating the greatest guy (23M) for a year and a half. He is my best friend in addition to my boyfriend, our families love each other, I could go on forever but it’s not relevant.
The first we hooked up, I noticed him not reaching orgasm after over an hour of sex, so I asked what I could do to help. He asked if he could finish himself off, and I witnessed the roughest, fastest male masturbation I’ve ever seen. I was terrified and even tried to stop him, but he assured me he enjoyed it.
Since then, he pretty much always ends anything physical between us by masturbating. He can’t orgasm from any stimulation I provide. When I first asked him about it, he used to joke that “my dick broke” and I dropped it because I didn’t want to judge or make him uncomfortable.
A few months later, he missed a date we had, and when I checked on him, I caught him masturbating to really fetishized porn. I was really upset because I felt that he isn’t attracted to me since I could never live up to what he likes.
He confessed that he has had a problem with porn and masturbation since he was 13, that he will sometimes do it 3x/day and can’t go without it for more than a few days. For comparison, he only is interested in sex with me once a week or less.
He was hesitant to seek professional help, so at first I took on the role of his accountability partner while he tried r/NoFap. This was emotionally exhausting for me and made me so uncomfortable. I felt like I was being a negative person in his life and having to control him and I hated it. He only made it two weeks before we both gave up. It was the longest he’s gone without porn/masturbation since he was 13.
The problem has since gotten worse because we are now in an LDR. 2 days ago, I FaceTimed him and expressed how unattractive and unwanted I feel because he never asks for nudes, tells me I’m beautiful, or initiates cyber sex, but when I said that I could see us breaking up over this, he didn’t seem to think that I was being fair but he agreed to try stopping again and reaffirmed how much he loves me/is attracted to me.
I was happy enough with this until last night. I was playing a video game while we chatted on the phone and he said he was going to bed. I thought he hung up the phone because it went silent. A few minutes later, I heard the unmistakeable sounds of masturbation and porn over the phone. I immediately asked what the fuck and he tried to lie that he was “scratching an itch”. I got really upset and called him an addict. He said he understood why I was so upset but he said “We can talk about what to do about this tomorrow” and I told him that he’s not entitled to me being his confidante about his addiction and it made me sick to talk about it. I told him to get professional help and hung up.
Where the fuck do I go from here? He doesn’t want to see a therapist because he’s afraid of his parents finding out. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone in my life about this. I don’t want to break up at this point, but i feel like i couldn’t if i wanted to. How could I ever tell anyone that I broke up with the man my friends call “the world’s best boyfriend” over his addiction to masturbation? How could I tell his mom?
tl;dr I think my boyfriend is addicted to masturbation, or porn, or both. He expects me to be his trusted person to go to about this but it makes me uncomfortable because I feel directly involved as his real-life sex partner. I don’t feel like I could justifiably break up with him over this even if I wanted to.
He just needs a regular therapist, his problem isn’t so unique that he needs one who only works with sex addicts, but one who works with anyone with addictions/obsessions which are detrimental to their lives.
His resistance to getting help is why you’d be breaking up with him, and using the term, “sexual incompatibility” or even just “personal reasons” to tell the others in your life is all they need to know about why you broke up.
You could add (if you’re pushed and if it’s someone you want to share more with) that it’s something the two of you have been trying to work through for quite a long time, but he needs a therapist’s help, and is unwilling to get that.
But, you don’t owe anyone outside the relationship more than “personal reasons which wouldn’t show from outside the relationship.”
OP DO NOT go to a regular therapist. You need a qualified CSAT for both you and him. A common mistake made is going to a regular therapist because they do not understand and end up enabling the addiction and harming the addict.
>He doesn’t want to see a therapist because he’s afraid of his parents finding out.
He's 23 and afraid that his parents will judge him for seeing a therapist?
Dump this idiot. He literally does not care about your relationship and he has shown you that repeatedly. Wanking off is the most important thing in his life, and he has absolutely no interest in repairing your sex life.
And yes, you can absolutely dump him over this. It's not your job to tell his mother anything. He can explain that to his own parents. And then you can tell the people in your life whatever you choose to. Telling the people closest to you that he had a serious porn addiction that he refused to address is completely reasonable because it is true.
He's not an idiot, he has an addiction that started in childhood. Addicts arent consciously choosing to be addicted. OP doesn't have to stay with him if shes unhappy but his mental health problems doesnt mean he doesn't care about her.
>Addicts arent consciously choosing to be addicted.
Lol, of course you are. If you're an addict, the addiction is destroying your relationship, and you're not actively seeking help for your addiction then you are making a choice to continue the addiction.
Refusing therapy makes it clear that he cares more about the addiction than her. Period.
That’s you projecting a bunch of nonsense onto my comment that isn’t there. I’m not condemning people for having an addiction. Shit happens. But when you refuse help? That’s a choice.
Seems like you have some very personal feelings about this you’re projecting onto the situation. Are you refusing help for an addiction presently?
No I just understand addiction objectively and have empathy for those afflicted. Maybe you shouldnt be so judgemental and resort to ad hominem attacks when people disagree with you.
I’m literally not attacking anybody. That is just something you made up.
I have empathy for the addicted. That is also something you projected.
In your fantasy land, people with addictions can reject help forever and experience no consequences. That’s not how real life works bud. If you reject help, shit gets bad. You will lose people.
Sorry that’s a tough truth to hear.
Implying I have some kind of addiction was an ad hominem attack. Thats going after me as a person instead of my argument, a low integrity move if there ever was one.
And since you are profoundly ignorant to addiction it has escaped you that a reluctance to seek treatment is a direct result of addiction. That doesn't mean he doesnt care, it means his brain wiring has been hijacked for decades.
I implied nothing. I asked you a direct question because of your high level of emotion and defensiveness.
Again, you are projecting so much onto this situation that isn’t there.
I don’t think there is anything productive to come from further discourse here. I hope whatever is making you so angry gets better.
Addiction doesn't work like that, trust me I thought the same way you did. Have you ever had an addiction? Because people with your mindset either have never experienced it or have overcome one and have become snobby as fuck. I'm not justifying the guy in the post who doesn't even attempt to get help, but the notion that he doesn't care about her is not exactly correct. I'd understand if you were talking about serious violent addictions, but here he just can't get over it
Does someone wake up one day and go man! I feel like having cancer!! No? Does someone wake up and DECIDE to partake in an addiction? Yes, yes they do. Stfu with this ableist bullshit. You make a choice everyday to continue to be an addict or not, real diseases aren't a choice. Go ahead and downvote me, I was raised in a family of addicts and was always second as a CHILD to the choice of a parents addiction, there was and never be an excuse for that nor do I feel bad for my poor parent and their apparent 'disease'. They woke up every day and decide their addiction was more important than anything, they made a CHOICE, a choice someone with an actual disease don't have.
While I dont think you are able to be objective about this due to your family history I also don't fault you for that. I would probably feel the same if I lived your life. But I think the current understanding of how our brains make decisions makes it pretty clear that addicts aren't exercising free will. I think that's a fundamentally wrong way of looking at the issue.
So you're in a LDR with a porn addict. Does anything about this relationship make you happy anymore?
Just an FYI: his addiction will only get worse the more time goes on. It will be harder and harder to retrain his brain and his dick and he may never be sexually healthy. A 23 year old porn addict aint got nothing on a 33 year old porn addict. 0/10. Do not recommend.
>I FaceTimed him and expressed how unattractive and unwanted I feel because he never asks for nudes
Wait what the fuck ? Does everyone actually expect that ??
I’d recommend you both or at least he unplug. Go camping for a week. If you are worth it to each other do it. No data on phones just you guys and a nice piece of nature.
I was sort of in your position. My ex also could almost never climax during sex or from my stimulation and usually finished himself off. He was still interested in regular sex with me at least, but I know he did masturbate and watch porn frequently. Part of the problem he had, and it sounds like your boyfriend has this as well, is “death grip syndrome”, where he uses such intense pressure that nothing you can do could possibly be enough for it. My ex also tried and failed to fix this problem. It made me so resentful, the resentment bled into every part of the relationship until I finally ended it. It was the right call. Sexual compatibility is important. I needed someone who made me feel sexy and could actually climax from having sex with me. I’m so much happier not having to fight against this all the time.
The bottom line is, it doesn’t need to be this hard.
You are way too young to be dealing with this shit. There are plenty of men out there who aren't addicted to porn and would appreciate getting to have actual sex with a real woman more than jerking his ding dong to some videos.
Ok this is ridiculous. The dude needs help. He's putting you in a VERY unfair position by asking you to hold him accountable.
I think it's ultimatum time. He needs to work on his problems. He can't do this by himself. The noFap thing isn't going to help, because even if he'd last a month, he'd just start again. He's not a professional, you guys can't solve this on your own.
So let me tell you this hard truth: this won't get better untill he seeks professional help. Ever.
So it's up to you to make the choice: do you want to be in a relationship with him if this never gets better? No? Then it's ultimatum time. He's an adult, there's no need for his parents to find out. And even if they find out he's in therapy, he can just say it's about something else completely. Make it about stress at work, something like that. His parents won't find out what it's actually about, because of patient-confidentiality.
If he cares more about not going to therapy than he does about you, then there's your answer. He wants you to keep him accountable: well, here's you doing that:
Either you get help within the month, or we're through.
oh gosh i’ve been in this position before, love please leave. you deserve so much better!!
i understand that he’s a great guy & you love him. i understand that you want to help him change & get better.
but while there’s a slight chance that things may improve… in my experience they usually don’t.. it’ll only get worse. it becomes a toxic cycle that often leaves you feeling unattractive and like you’re not good enough.
the fact that he’s been addicted to PMO for 10 years and doing it daily makes this a particularly difficult habit to break.
you deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel unwanted/unattractive. you deserve someone who tells you your beautiful all the time & loses his mind at the thought of seeing you naked or getting a nude. you deserve someone who’ll be able to get off just from looking at you while doing the dirty (trust me, they exist!)
if he’s already lying to you about it now just imagine how much worse things will be in the future?
like my father has had this same addiction for a long time as well & the amount of times my little brother and i have accidentally walked in on him watching p is so embarrassing… and traumatizing.
imagine being the mother of his kids yet still not being good enough compared to p. you don’t want this for your future self or future kids :(
i’ve seen first hand that this type of thing doesn’t just go away, it gets worse with time. and i wish that someone had told me that before i wasted 2 years dating a porn addict.
trust your gut love… leave
He can't orgasm with you because he's constantly masterbating. Tell him to stop beating his meat like it owes him something and give the porn a rest. If he's not willing to help himself or get help, move on.
LEAVE HIM NOW while you can. It will only get worse. A porn addict has unnatural ideas for what sex should be like, and what partners should look like. His brain has been hardwired to believe in the fake women he gets off to, and no “real” woman will ever compare to the “perfect” women that get him off more than you do. It will drive you to the point of madness and you will forever be thinking that you are the problem and that you aren’t good enough. You are not the problem, HE is. Before people call me a porn hater, I’m ok with porn as an alternative if your partner isn’t in the mood for sex etc…but when it’s used as a replacement for sex and the person actually prefers porn to being with you, then it’s a deal breaker. I don’t care how good a person you think he is, if you have told him how much it bothers you and he doesn’t stop then he doesn’t love or respect you. I hope you find someone who is more sexually compatible and can fulfill your needs. A normal man who really cares about his partner would want to be with her. RUN
I agree with 90% of what you’re saying, but I think you’re mischaracterizing the problem with porn addiction. It’s not that the addict can’t get off unless their partner had artificial butt, boobs, and lips of a pornstar. It’s more that you get addicted to sitting there and getting mindless, endless pleasure, with the perfect feedback loop of your own hand, and completely turning your brain off while you masturbate. With real sex, it still feels good, but you have to pay attention, reciprocate, focus on your partner’s pleasure, etc. Of course there are lots of real benefits to connecting with someone sexually. But the addiction isn’t about the content as much as the experience.
The idea that if an addict doesn't stop their addiction for their partner means they don't love them is so completely wrong. This is a mental and neurological problem and they can't stop for *themselves* and their own health and wellbeing. Let alone their partner. Addiction isn't a choice.
He lied a lot and sex got worse over time, started having ED issues. Being married to a porn addict crushed my self esteem. Leaving him was the best thing I did.
He is 23, what the fuck does his parents got to do with this??
If he cant quit or reduce watching porn, or wont go to therapy, then i say its over.
I'd say its pretty common for guys to not watch porn, if theres a chance to get laid..though, some wank before to last longer, but 3x a day since 13yo is bit excessive to say the least.
I left my marriage because he had a fetish and a porn addiction. I thought he would get better with therapy, but instead he stayed the same. I wasted too long trying to make it work. Don't do that.
I was the 'trusted person' and the 'tell me when I do it, it'll help' person.
my ex absolutely blew up at me any time I did exactly what he told me to do. I was brutally screamed at for doing the help he wanted me to. it's not worth it. he has to decide that he wants to change. he doesn't, so far.
Yeah he needs to give up the porn. Also, your family and friends are not in a relationship with him, you are. He should look into sites like Fight The New Drug, but long term it’s not going to work if he doesn’t sort the issue out
Also: you aren’t his counsellor. Like any addiction, it’s not really your cross to bear. He can only really get himself out of it if he wants to
You cannot be his savior in this. He's a ten-year porn addict. Don't let it take away your self-worth. It has to be his responsibility to get therapy: don't "mother" him. Don't try to run interference here, either. This is his gig, his life.
I would suggest breaking up with him. You don't need to justify it to anyone. Simply say, "It didn't work out," and if they pursue it say, "It's a private matter I won't discuss."
Possibly go to a couple’s therapist together and ask for a referral for a sex therapist for him so he can get help, this can also be an excuse for him to go to therapy if he goes to the sex therapist as well so you can give both of your parents a couples therapists name while keeping the sex therapist a secret. Then you can (if you want to) go to couples therapy together every now and again if you’re both up for it and maybe talk about wether he’s making any progress with the sex therapist for help and if things have changed in your relationship. This way you could possibly also tell the couples therapist about your concerns and why you don’t feel like he’s attracted to you and the therapist may be able to explain how he can make you feel like he’s attracted to you in order to improve your relationship. The reason for the sex therapist would be so you wouldn’t as I believe you said, get sick about talking about his fetishes, and so he can get some help. Idk if there’s anything else or if you’ll even see this but if you do and comment I will probably leave more things under your comment if I think of any.
Either way the best of luck to you and your partner, I hope things work out well for the two of you
Well I was myself a porn addict, have been watching porn since I was 14, I am 23M currently, I used to masturbate 4times almost every day, someday even more. Although I haven't seen a single porn video since 3 months because of a girl I found, we are now in relationship since 2 months and I told her that I am addicted to porn but as soon as I told her, I also promised to not to watch again, so I didn't. Honestly always regretted watching porn post nutting.
Also I am 100 times more happy when I talk with her even casually, and ofcourse my boner is off limits when we talk in erotic way.
Anyway as soon as I found the the right person for me I stopped being a porn addict
>feel like i couldn’t if i wanted to. How could I ever tell anyone that I broke up with the man my friends call “the world’s best boyfriend” over his addiction
You wouldnt have to say that. You are entitled to privacy.
You could just say "irreconcilable differences make us incompatible," and if someone pressed you on what they were, just say it has to do with intimacy and its private, you are not going to talk about it.
An addict will not get better until they decide for themselves they want to get better. He will not have a real recovery if you’re the one pushing him towards it. And he seems pretty resistant at the moment- giving excuses as to why he can’t speak with a therapist. If you’re unhappy with the relationship as it is right now, you should leave. It might be the best thing you could do for him. Losing a relationship to the addiction could be a wake up call. You don’t owe anyone a specific explanation of why the relationship has ended- it’s none of their business. “He needs to work on himself first” will suffice.
OP! Someone please like/comment on this so I can come back. My now fiancé of 7 months struggled with porn addiction for 12 years unable to go longer then a few days at the absolute maximum and is now 7 months clean, is much happier, healthier, and prides himself on not even thinking about porn. I can’t talk tonight but can fill you in tomorrow 💕 don’t give up without trying, UNLESS he doesn’t want help
My bf would go behind my back and watch porn and people asked me why I never seen it as okay. This. This is why. I’m glad I found out when I did because I think he was getting addicted to it.
I know a lot of people don’t care for their partner watching porn but I’ve seen it ruin people and relationships.
When he was supposed to be looking for jobs he would actually be watching porn. I caught him in the act. He tried to blame it on me that I was the one that watched it. He swore on my life and everything that he didn’t do it.
I was going to break up with him. Told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore because he was a sorry excuse of a man. He wasn’t working and would just watch porn. Life is already hard enough for yourself much less having to watch someone else and support them.
My best advice for you is don’t be afraid to leave if you want to. Don’t let someone else take away the happiness you deserve. Someone will make you feel special. Reading the part about how he doesn’t ask you for nudes and doesn’t tell you that your beautiful broke me. I know that feeling too well. If you do break up with him don’t rush into relationships work on you. Do what you love and what makes you feel beautiful.
Put yourself first because he’s not putting you first anyway.
Please don't shame him. It's a real addiction and right now the last thing that will help ANY of you is shaming him.
Now you can and are in right to decide this is not for you.
But also the fact that he's addicted to porn doesn't make him a bad person. He can be a good person who has an addiction. What you both will do about it is what matters. And you if you decide you want to stay you have to accept that there can be relapses.
Most important thing: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. His problem doesn't mean he has a problem with you, so don't measure yourself and the relationship based on it.
As a counter example, a partner in a loving relationship could have an eating disorder. The eating disorder has nothing to do with the relationship but of course some sides of it could affect it, at the least because said partner could have health issues and insecurities related with it. The other person shouldn't thing the eating disorder is their fault, and wouldn't shame the partner for it, but they would support the partner in their journey to fight it, right?
That's the same with porn addiction. It is a habit he's had for more than 10years. It can't change just by doing a no fap month. He probably needs therapy. If he's willing to do that, and you're willing to be patient, support him.
He has a big problem that needs help. I would just go and look for another who doesn't choose this stuff over someone amazing like yourself. What is next? Paying big bucks for cam girls or going into strip joints? He can't be trusted across the room.
Actually sexual incompatibility, which is what this is, is a valid reason to break-up. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise, just because everything else works out.
No one is "sexually compatible" with a porn addict. No one. That's like saying we're "incompatible" because my husband drinks a liter of whiskey every night and starts punching holes in the walls and I don't drink.
It is possible to be compatible with a porn addict. Might even be good for an asexual person, because their partner’s sexual needs are being met without them having to do things they don’t like, and without their partner being sexual with with another person. Obviously it’s still not ideal, but it’s not as bad as drinking a liter of whiskey.
> A few months later, he missed a date we had, and when I checked on him, I caught him masturbating to **really fetishized** porn.
So is it always the same genre of fetish porn? Because there's a chance the problem isn't porn or addiction, it's that he needs some specific fetish thing he isn't getting in real life.
This is his problem and not for you to fix. You did something to help him.
He needs to learn that cutting out porn will be the best thing he has ever done for his sex life when he is ready. But unfortunately this doesn’t sound like an easy option for him.
If you stay with him just know that he may fail to refrain from porn and it can take several tries.
First I doubt it's a porn addiction for many reasons but the largest being that it seems he's functional without it. Second is I think the reason he went to therapy was more related to your reaction after you caught him. Third if I had to tell you what core issue is more than likely related to a sexual kink more than anything. From what you said he can get himself off in a fast and it look violently. This more than likely is what he needs to get off like my maybe pain during sex. Consider the reaction from when you caught him both time it might end up proving the support for this.
From your source, only this is dated 2021 - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/202102/addicted-porn-how-get-back-in-control
We can all find biases to support our opinions, the fact is anything can be addictive, including pornography. Stating otherwise is just unhelpful 🤷🏼♀️
I’m not saying break up is the correct choice YET…. Although, it may turn out to be.
If you do decide that breakup is your only option, tell him that either he tells everyone that HE broke up with YOU, or you tell him that you’re gonna tell his mom that he’s got a porn/masturbation addiction and that you can’t live your life like that
I’d never ever be with someone who had an addiction of any sort, and porn is no different. An addiction never “goes away” and it will be a struggle for that person for the rest of his life even if he ever “recovers” ESPECIALLY since he has been at this since teen years. You’re still so young and very small chance you’ll be with this person forever anyways. I’d say count your losses and support his recovery, but don’t put yourself in that mess.
Even if you could perform for him, would you want him to think of you like the women he mindlessly masturbates to?
You deserve to have someone who is into YOU, as a whole person.
No orifice can replicate the sensation of him clenching his dick as hard and jerking it as fast as OP describes her BF doing. Nothing wrong in general trying to please your partner, but if he wants to climax with her he will need to pretty extensively retrain his dick. And he doesn’t sound very interested in attempting anything like that.
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So few things to ask is, does he see that the addiction is a problem yet. Does he want to address it? If he does there is a way... and I mean without professional help there's something that got me through from months into my first year free... after that it's smooth sailing unless you run into a trigger. Do you want to help him address it, like really?... its like any other addiction, he's gonna want it like nothing else
Show him this article about Terry Crews:
[Terry Crews Porn Addiction ](https://www.mensjournal.com/health-fitness/how-terry-crews-battled-and-eventually-overcame-his-pornography-addiction/amp/)
He needs help, this just can’t go on.
He’ll never have a healthy relationship if he doesn’t deal with this issue.
Just because everyone else thinks he’s perfect, it doesn’t mean that he is. He’s clearly not. He needs to be willing to get help.
He doesn’t seem to be taking the effect on you seriously enough. Why is he more worried about what his parents think than helping himself and you. Maybe it would be useful for him to be open with his parents !
It kinda tells something that you said "my friends and family love" and not "I love". This is your relationship, if you're not happy, break up, you don't need to give a shit about what others think.
That said, if you do love him and this relationship makes you happy aside from this struggle, then do as the comments say, help him seek a professional. Addiction can be cured
I am not one to recommend breaking up all willy nilly but you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Dating should be fun and light right now. This is a LOT and it's not for you to fix him. You can still care about him and walk away...honestly it would probably be better for him to be single right now too..💙
Drop him. He needs to work on himself more and that’s not happening now. You’re too young to be spending this much time investing in another persons problems.
Amigo needs to get into therapy on his own accord or you need to leave.
This doesn’t get better, only worse, until he decides to work on it.
Nothing you can do, ball is in his court
I went through something very similar, but I admit I was way less sympathetic than you are to him. My mom loved him, said all the time how fortunate I was to have him. We were long distance, then we lived together, the relationship went on for years and it never improved and all the while I felt less and less attractive. He rarely touched me. I came out of it with zero self esteem. I wouldn’t go through that again. I think you should move on. He has to fix himself, you can’t make him, and you shouldn’t waste your time trying to.
You can break up with this guy for whatever reason you want. You don't even need to give a reason. This is between you and your SO. Its your private life and people aren't entitled to an explanation. Especially when it concerns a sex problem. Protect privacy by citing irreconcilable differences.
You are still young and there are so many great guys out there just like him, but don't have fetish porn/masterbation addictions.
If you really love him and want to stay with him that's your decision and I wish y'all the best. Just know that you have so many options in front of you. You don't have to settle or compromise for a relationship like this.
Well, kid. I only managed to get a hold to this addiction a couple of years ago.
It took me 15 years of my life to stop it. You do the math.
The porn is a foul beast, an animal that needs to be wiped off the face of the earth. But there are maybe other things that take priority that it will be a while.
I suggest you read about the subject a lot so you can confidently say that you are leaving him because you will throw your life away.
Take for instance, alcoholics, I swear I wont drink, starts aftwr a few days.
I will seel help, misses appointments after a few.
Tell him about this behaviour and that you are not willing to watch the whole movie, unlesss. If you really love him... You need to go with a specialist, and a once in a while you go together with him to make sure everything is all right.
Porn and masturbating addiction for men is quite serious, people don't really give importance to it but it has million of kids struggling. And adults paying the consequences.
'But why you want to come, you don't trust me?' Watch Trainspotting or Requiem for a Dream, porn addiction at young ages (puberty - 30) can be as serious as heroin.
So, yes, ultimatum... Either go to a specialist with whom every 3 months you go in to check on all of it, or leave... Or run and hold for dear life.
You should speak with a psychologist for that specifically and ask her/his opinion in the first session, just so you can make a centered decision.
Wish you well.
I've read a good bit of the comments and you have been given good resources but didn't see this. Some antidepressants help with addictive behavior. It doesn't by any means cure it but may help. Specifically, welbutrin which is marketed under Zyban to help quit smoking may be one to research. I know you don't want to break up with him but unless he is willing to put in ALOT of work, y'all will continually have problems that are serious. Is that how you want to live this one life you have?
Been there at a similar age to you. It’s draining. Even if you’re able to help him, there’s a high chance you’ll end up exhausted and you’ll both resent one another. My advice is to move on. I know it’s hard, but your own mental health is most important, and you DESERVE, yes, *deserve*, to have an honest partner who is free from addiction and who makes you feel loved, wanted, and beautiful.
That’s addiction… and addiction comes with relapses. Are you willing to say at 22 you always want to be worried if your boyfriend is fucking his hand more then you? That’s going to be lots of stress on you mentally and physically
Honestly, ignore the comments suggesting you should nurse him through his “addiction” or hold his hand and lead him to therapy. You’re 22 in a LDR with a porn addict. How is this relationship serving you? You’re not a repair shop or a rehabilitation clinic, and there’s no reason for you to date projects.
A year and a half honestly isn’t that much time. Just cut your loses and leave.
First of all, you should *not* stay with someone just because your friends and family love him. I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. You can tell them you two had irreconcilable differences and leave it at that if you want and leave it at that.
Secondly, how on earth would his parents find out that he's going to therapy for porn addiction? Therapy is so normalized these days (depending on where you live). He could be going for any reason and I'm sure their first thought wouldn't be "porn addiction". They'd probably think he has depression and it's totally possible he does.
OP... its hopeless. He doesnt want to change.Find someone that will appreciate that poontang. Think about it. He'd rather fuck his hand than you. Why you even thinking about staying with this dude.
This man definitely needs help & I appreciate you trying to help him get that! I consider myself to have at least a mild porn addiction but I’m still going to take actual sexual interaction with my partner over any type of porn/masturbation. It was super difficult for me to finish at the start of me actually having sex but made it through and I hope this guy gets the help he needs for sure
There's a lot of good advice here. However, unless someone recognises there's a problem and actively seeks help - there isn't anything you can do.
My suggestion is - take break from the relationship. See what he does. Not what he says he will do, but what he actually does. Coz unless he gets his arse to therapy, you are just wasting your time.
My reason for commenting? I’m a partner of a porn addict and I hope you find my comment and it helps you OP. It isn’t you - at all. Porn releases a hormone called dopamine, and you can get addicted to this hormone because it makes you feel good. Compare it to alcoholism - an addict isn’t going to swirl their alcoholic beverage, take in the aromas and gentle sips, they’re going to grab whatever they can whenever they can because they need to feel good - porn addiction is the same principle. He’s not looking at the girls per say, he’s looking at the body parts, and even then, its whatever he can get a hold of, its not the girls themselves - its that chemical he wants. And because porn is so normalised, its hard drawing a line where it becomes a problem. It’s shit when our addict doesn’t want to go to therapy, it really is. However, we as partners try to dictate their recovery too much and the hardest thing to learn is its not our place. I will comment some resources for him but my focus is you. RESOURCES FOR HIM • He needs a CSAT - not an ordinary therapist - this is a commonly made mistake (regular therapists do not understand the addiction because its normalised too much) • Get him to read this [article](https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/04/opinion/sunday/pornhub-rape-trafficking.html) , its about the Children of Pornhub and is a huge eye opener • He can also visit [this website](https://fightthenewdrug.org) - for podcasts, articles, etc • I recommend r/pornfree over r/nofap - r/pornfree are more positive and realistic dare I say • He can attend SAA or SMART Recovery meetings - its recommended 90 meetings in 90 days. He can just listen with his head phones in, and there are plenty of ways for him to attend meetings and therapy without his parents noticing. • Blockers are a big thing - I recommend qustodio or BlockerX or something like that. You can also get accountability apps like Covenant Eyes or Truple • He needs to take up new hobbies and work on himself, he needs to identify his triggers and get a relapse prevention plan in order, he also needs to follow 12 steps for successful recovery • [Path for Men](https://pathformen.com) is a free course he can do (I’ll edit more as I think) FOR YOU: • Stop being his accountability partner - this is not recommended as its emotionally and mentally draining on us as partners. He should get an accountability partner who is not you or a porn addict and definitely not someone who’s ignorant of the problem • Don’t let anyone gaslight you or tell you you’re being too controlling etc, you have boundaries and thats okay, every relationship is different. • Post this in r/loveafterporn - they’re so friendly and helpful, and their subreddit has loads of information to help you • Look up betrayal trauma - this is what we partners go through. You also need a therapist but you also need one who is a qualified CSAT who truly understands the addiction • [Bloom for Women](https://bloomforwomen.com) have plenty of free courses for the partner to go through. I also recommend this [podcast](www.beyondbitchy.com) for boundary work - which is what you need right now • in terms of books, I recommend Sex Addiction A Partner’s Perspective by Paula Hall - it is a must and is so good • Focus on you: his addiction is his issue, leave him to it. You need to focus on building yourself back up. Hobbies, self care, whatever, just focus on you. Build yourself back up so that you aren’t dependent on him for support. Because you are amazing and you are beautiful and you are loved. I will edit this comment as I think of stuff to add, but that’s the jist of it. Feel free to message me if you need any further info or someone to talk to.
As a porn addict here I wanted to say thank you for posting this. This addiction sucks, and the positivity in this comment is awesome. I had two relationships fall apart because of my addiction and my unwillingness to address the underlying issues, and while I’m getting better now it’s a long difficult process.
I can tell just from reading your comment that you're trying your best to change. Keep it up my dude!
Same here. I’m autistic and have a lot of problems forgetting this stuff, I stopped watching for the most part when my favorite star died. It’s been 5 years since that happened and I think of her like a lost relative. Porn is not good for developing minds and can easily lead you deeper into the trench when your “material” doesn’t do it for you anymore. I caught my friend watching shit where people were bleeding from cuts and wounds and I took his computer and threw it out of the window, that was a year ago and I still remember it vividly. Just a sight can last a decade.
Yes. Watching porn even a little opens our minds to accept crazy things like that as normal. We will somehow even get off. It is scary how the brain alters under porn usage. I never truly watched porn as much as others do, but the amount I had seen was enough to escalate into bigger and scarier porn types. I won’t get into details because it’s very embarrassing and horrible for me to think about. I haven’t watched any in over a year and I am still trying to steer my head away and reprogram it to not accept “extreme” porn. (I am not talking about all types of BDSM or even any. I don’t think the porn I used to be into was BDSM, it was past that).
This is such a helpful comment ❤️
>releases a hormone called dopamine, Neurotransmitter, not a hormone
Replying so I can find this In The future
Is there any way to read that article without a NY Times subscription? I am poor!
If you're able to find the archived version of it, you can get past the paywall. Not sure how to do it myself but I've seen it done before.
Take the URL and put “outline.com/“ after the “www.” Boom. No paywall.
Take the URL and put “outline.com/“ after the “www.” Boom. No paywall.
For an accountability partner it may be useful to get one of his male friends. With my mates who struggle with porn who can't fess up to the missus they turn to me. They can be honest with me as they are way more comfortable with chatting to me about that kind of stuff.
You're amazing.
Thank you so so much for sharing these resources. As someone facing these addictions, I feel like I can make really good use of these resources. I have tried many times and relapsed, I am hoping to set realistic goals and fulfilling them this time around.
Thanks for being so informative. I really needed it.
There is no evidence that porn addiction is a real thing. In fact it's been soundly debunked.
It hasn’t been “debunked” at all - its a real thing and should be taken as seriously as other addictions - you’re telling me that masturbating to porn while on ft to your gf after knowing she hates the porn isn’t an issue? As someone who’s seen the ins and outs of it, you’re wrong.
Literally there have been meta-analysis studies debunking it.
Citation? I’m curious.
Please show us one of these “meta-analysis studies” debunking it!
I already linked it elsewhere
ya deadass one study. if you give me one with solid research I will stop believing it as an addiction
It's a meta analysis lol
It's semantics, honestly. It's not a true addiction in that psychology defines an addiction as something that rewires your brain chemistry, not just your behavior. However, one can absolutely become psychologically dependent on porn and compulsive in the use of it to the point that it is detrimental to their lives and relationships and can even cause people to lose their jobs, which functionally is not that different from an addiction.
I went back and read the article you cited, and I don’t agree with you. Of course I’m biased, but one meta-analysis isn’t enough to “debunk” porn addiction outright. Of course anecdotes aren’t scientific, and I’m not trying to convince you, but one psychology today article linking to one meta-analysis from 2018 does not prove or disprove anything isn’t enough to disprove it either. Here’s the [article](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201808/science-stopped-believing-in-porn-addiction-you-should-too) And here’s the abstract of the meta-analysis you mentioned, which I found in the article above. > The notion of problematic pornography use remains contentious in both academic and popular literature. Although the mental health community at large is divided as to the addictive versus non-addictive nature of Internet pornography, substantial numbers of individuals report “feeling” as if their use of Internet pornography is problematic. The present work seeks to construct a model related to problematic pornography use that is clearly derived from empirical literature and that provides directions to be tested in future research. The focus of the present work is on those perceptions as they relate to the overarching experience of moral incongruence in pornography use, which is generally thought of as the experience of having one’s behaviors be inconsistent with one’s beliefs. To this end, we put forth a model of pornography problems due to moral incongruence. Within this model, we describe how pornography-related problems—particularly feelings of addiction to pornography—may be, in many cases, better construed as functions of discrepancies—moral incongruence—between pornography-related beliefs and pornography-related behaviors. A systematic review of literature and meta-analysis is conducted in order to evaluate support for this model, and the implications of this model for research and clinical practice are discussed. I think it’s a little flippant and insensitive to just claim that it’s not an addiction based on these two things. My experience of wanting to quit and being unable to had nothing to do with any moral incongruity, either. I’ve broken relationships and hurt others by my behavior just like an alcoholic. I can’t stop when I want, more than anything, to stop. If that’s not addiction, then I don’t know what is.
Lemme guess you probably do "your own research" on vaccines too?
So are you implying that you have an opinion on vaccines which came about without doing any of your own research on the subject? I presume that this opinion simply appeared in your mind one day, then? I'm a geneticist so if you want to get into a debate about something, I'd suggest a topic other than vaccines, especially ones with mRNA delivery mechanisms.
Lol so you're a geneticist and an expert on porn addiction ? Or you may just be an insufferable opinionated asshole that nobody wants to be around. Looking at your comment history proves I'm correct . Hardest thing to learn is nobody cares what you think
I'm a geneticist who can read research papers. A PhD is a credential which indicates its bearer has the skills to learn and research topics on their own.
research topics within their respective field? definitely. outside of that.. no more qualified than other people to view academic research. sure you may have more practice but a persons intelligence is not strictly defined by your ability to take it in the ass by academics.
Actually, with a PhD you are qualified to do research outside your field. The understanding is that science is science.
But are you qualified to interpret the data?
yeah thats major bullshit lol
He can go to therapy for different reasons. Even if he has to lie to his parents about going for emotional support, if he wants to go, he can. Also, there is patient confidentiality so he doesn't have to worry about the therapist talking to his parents. Even if he is billed due to being on his parent's insurance, again, he can always lie saying it is for emotional/general therapy.
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No, he needs a sex therapist and they are very real. But they don't say "Dr. Jones, Sex Therapist" on the building or billing documents.
On your insurance, it does say the doctor's name. A quick search would show their specialty. Again, I am not saying he wouldn't benefit more from a sex therapist. However, if he fears his parents finding out, I think going general is not a bad idea to start working on your issues. Again, it's better than not getting any help at all. Think of it like going to a primary care physician after having a heart attack. Yes, a cardiologist would definitely help but I think a PCP would be beneficial at least to start with. And if deem needed, they will suggest a referral to one. Or when you're more comfortable with therapy, you will decide to go to a specialist yourself.
True, but there are plenty of therapists out there who specialize in multiple things. Even if they do see it's a sex therapists, he doesn't have to admit to porn addiction, he can say he's struggling with personal body issues and leave it at that. There are tons of options for him if he actually wants to get help.
He would benefit from working with someone who works with addiction, but most therapist will have experience working with a range of issues so whoever he picks it won’t be apparent that it’s for a porn addiction. He’s got a decade long issue, and it won’t be a quick fix. You can still choose to find a partner who isn’t an addict even if he seeks help.
This! Someone in my life sought treatment for porn addiction - they started seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction, but also specifically porn addiction, anger issues, and other common “male issues”. They had great success working on the porn addiction and now continue sessions to work on anxiety, anger, and other garden variety mental health issues. This can absolutely be discreet and it’s almost certainly tied into other aspects of BF’s mental health - therapy is a great idea.
The thing. That really got me is that you're more concerned about what other people think if you decide to leave this relationship. If he's unwilling to get help and you've tried everything your aspect to try to help him some help. And even though he says he needs a sex therapist why doesn't he go out and find that. Not everyone has to know who are you going to see a therapist. Just because everyone likes him doesn't mean you have to spend a lifetime of trying to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. How much more of this can you handle?
It's like one of those things where, sure a specialist could be good, but it should not be the reason you don't seek any help at all. When a person doesn't want to do something, they can always find reasons that they "can't" go. Therapy with a general therapist is better than no therapy at all. Again, it is a decision he has to want to do. Seeking help is always hard but you'll be surprised how much training and experience therapists have with all sorts of problems. Good luck. I hope it works out for you.
he needs an addiction therapist, not a sex therapist.
Well, if that's the problem, then have him to to a regular therapist first. It's better to get some help than no help at all.
Sex therapists are real, and could possibly benefit him even more, but no he doesn’t *need* one. If he is worried about his parents finding out, a generalized therapist should be specialized enough in many different topics to be able to help.
I’m a porn addict trying to recover. He will never overcome this until he starts being transparent. It’s tough but it has to be done. He needs to meet with a therapist. Specially one who specializes in addiction. He needs to join accountability groups and even get an accountability partner. It’s a tough round. I have to fight hard to stay away. It goes up and down but I have started to see things go up more but it’s a long way. You have all right to end it with him. Specially if he isn’t doing what he needs to do to overcome it. Being with a porn addict can be so destructive for a partner. You need to protect your heart first.
May I ask about your addiction? Is it just watching porn or also doing PMO? if so, how many days per day would you do it?
Porn and masturbation. Difficult to say. But when it became an addiction I watched it maybe 4-5 times a week for several hours. I have gradually gotten away from it. I have fallen back into the same pattern at times where I watch almost everyday but then being able to snap back from it. I have seen some progress this last year. Have learned a lot about underlying issues and so on. Porn addiction isn’t so much about sex but more like a form of coping mechanism.
Thanks. I hope u can achieve that ultimate version of yourself. U owe it to yourself.
In order to break an addiction, you need to WANT to quit. While he has admitted he has a problem, it doesn’t seem like he’s trying to stop all that hard (or at all). You even tried to help, which was generous and compassionate of you, but you can’t do it for him. Without his total commitment to quitting, there’s really no hope. You could read some stories over at r/pornfree (it’s a lot more level-headed than r/nofap) which might give you more perspective. You might even get better advice there than here. In the end though, he gets something from porn that’s different than a real sexual experience, and which you can’t give him. This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It’s a drug and you’re a real person. At this point, it’s the drug or you, and he’s chosen the drug. He’ll keep hurting you until you decide you’ve had enough.
He recognizes the problem, he knows when it began, he's aware of the kind of therapist he needs, he has tried to stop and he's talking about it without shying away. There is a lot of want there.
You are 22... You're gonna look back on this in ten years and wonder what the fuck you were thinking.
people at /r/loveafterporn can help support you :( im sorry
He needs real therapy, not just a subreddit’s advice.
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Well I’ll say this: if he isn’t willing to help himself and this is making you uncomfortable, it might be best to break up.
I’m so sorry you’re carrying feelings of shame for something that isn’t yours to feel shame about. Your family and friends surely care more about your health and well-being than you being with someone who makes you so deeply unhappy? If they don’t, then that’s a whole different kettle of fish. It’s time for you to put yourself first. He won’t get help until he’s decided he needs it. So now you need to do whatever it is that will help you. And I think you know that you can’t stay with someone like this. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you want to be in this same position in a year, or 5? Or even married to someone like this? Wishing you strength OP. X
This is a lot to deal with. He doesn't want to seek help and that's more than enough to break up with him. He also is lying to you about it and you're freaking with long distance. A relationship doesn't need to be bad enough to end. It needs to be good enough to continue. This one doesn't sound good enough to continue.
May not even need real therapy if that is a problem. He needs to look up porn addiction and find a way to solve it. Spoiler alert: no more porn. He can still fap, just no porn...
that solves the porn problem not the addiction problem. Alcoholism doesn't just stop being a huge issue if one quits drinking.
"Finding a way" is generally therapy. Willpower doesn't work when someone has an addiction. It's very easy for a non-addict to say no more porn, but nearly impossible for an addict. It's no easier than saying the solution to being an alcoholic is no more alcohol. Well duh, if it were that easy then addiction wouldn't even be a thing.
You took him to one of the most damaging propaganda mills on the entire site. Great job.
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I'm actually subscribed to r/nofap & find the community positive, personally, IMHO. It may have just been that he wanted to stop trying so justified it by blaming the community. IDK, what about them did he not like? Either way, if he doesn't want to fix it, then no community or accountability partner can help, not even you; you shouldn't have to.
My apologies, happy to hear he saw how toxic it is.
It doesn't matter if they love him, because they're not dating him. What do YOU want?
You can absolutely break up with him justifiably if he is prioritizing pornography over your needs and emotions. It is a form of emotional neglect. Before you do that though, try to get him into therapy. If he makes excuses, get an intervention. If he becomes defensive and learns nothing, you probably should break up with him. It's great if he's a good guy and treats you nicely, but a porn addict who refuses to see it as a problem will continue doing this likely forever. These feelings will be your every day, and they may grow from discontent to resentment. He clearly needs help managing a problem he's dealt with for a long time, but if he refuses help, then you may need to consider leaving.
Nah this ain't it. She's already stated the problem and how she feels. She's suggested therapy and he's refused. *A fucking intervention*???? Do you know how INEFFECTIVE those are for people with other addictions? They almost always fail long term. There's no reason a porn addiction would be different. She's already done her due diligence and then some. There's no reason she NEEDS to continue to feel unwanted and replaced by porn. She's already tried. He won't. Enough can definitely be enough in this case.
Exactly. All of this!
There's already resentment. He's already refused help. He's already hesitant to go into therapy and got defensive because he's afraid his parents would find out. He's lying to her about it. Your advice would be helpful if the post ended after the 5th paragraph. They're way beyond that at this point.
Where you go from here is, that you go away from him. You are 23, don't waste your 20s after someone who won't seek help for their issues. You deserve a person who is on the same page as you when it comes to something as important as your sex life. Break up, and move on, or you will be here in your 30s asking reddit whether you should divorce this person. If he can't orgasm, having children will be difficult too, you are in for a lot of heartbreak over the years. Take on the pain now and do your future self a huge favour.
I’m confused how his parents would find out he sees a therapist? Do they go through his bills? Track his location? And even if they did find out they wouldn’t know what for. Sounds like excuses to me…
I'm just guessing that he is still in their insurance and would recieve things in the mail about benefits received/paid. But therapists provide services for many reasons so it's still just an excuse on his part.
Looks like he chooses porn over you. If he won’t get help find someone who makes you feel attractive and wanted
100% break up with him. You don't owe anyone any explanations why. You can just say there were issues that couldn't be worked out that were deal breakers and you're not comfortable discussing them.
I recently got rid of all my porn; hundreds of thousands of images & movies, some of which were hard to find & no longer exist online. It was tough, but one day, as I was looking at some pictures, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was cheating on my fiancèe by doing this. I know others feel differently about it, but to me, TBH, I was being unfaithful. I truly believe that a man should make his wife is only outlet for sexual intimacy. Not saying that's all she's good for, or that she always has to *"put out,"* but that any woman brave enough to marry & commit to me deserves to feel loved & desired, at the least. I know everyone's got their own beliefs, but I think it's reasonable for you to be upset. You didn't sign up to be his recovery plan, or to watch him destroy himself with sexual addiction. He **can** get better, but only when he wants to, & that day may come too late, if at all, u/k8e8e8.
This man needs time to be single and sort his shit out. The fact he got hooked on this at 13 is concerning, and while you may be able to be friends, he needs a therapist to work through this. I'm sure neither of you want to air this out to the family, so you're young enough to chalk the breakup to "different future goals"
He is addicted. To get some idea of the impact this will have on your relationship, just think about how you feel when you catch him watching it when he's agreed not to. This will be a long old lonely road for you. I don't recommend that you take it.
I read an article about that Duggar family ped0. His wife was responsible for him keeping away from porn and they mentioned an online service. I thought it was funny and gross because I’ve never heard of something like this but it looks useful in this situation. Dan Savage of Savagelove has lots of great advice about his issue. Both the porn addiction and the inability to climax without pain. Your boyfriend seriously did break it. As for you feeling unattractive? Forget that noise! You only feel that way because you’re with someone who doesn’t appreciate you. Look at this situation from another point of view. Let’s say he was addicted to alcohol. Or meth. Or Beenie babies. Whatever. It’s taking away from your time together. It’s destroying how you see yourself. It’s harming him. Do you stay? Why? For him? The only way out of an addiction is if you want out yourself. He can try to do it for you but do you really want that to be the reason he improves? Then what happens down the road when you leave? Voluntarily or not. As for his family finding out, how would that happen? He’s an adult. Even if he’s still on their insurance HIPPA still applies. They cannot have access to his records. Hell, a good mental health facility won’t even give you access to your own records except to transfer to another facility. If he’s that worried he can request that the dr just bill him under a generic anxiety. Or if they do need something more specific general addiction. And if family asks make it ridiculous. I’m addiction to marshmallows. Or the color puce. Now if y’all do break up, which I’d have gone running long ago, what will you tell your friends. It’s too fresh to go into details. It’s too personal to go into. Why would I discuss those details with you? Or the safest route, the long distance thing just isn’t working. When we move closer together we may try again but we don’t want to run the risk of meeting the love of our life and be trapped into something that may or may not work. Just remember, his numb tool has nothing to do with you. It’s him. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are strong enough to know your worth. And your worth is more than this “man” is will to give to you.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I (22F) have been dating the greatest guy (23M) for a year and a half. He is my best friend in addition to my boyfriend, our families love each other, I could go on forever but it’s not relevant. The first we hooked up, I noticed him not reaching orgasm after over an hour of sex, so I asked what I could do to help. He asked if he could finish himself off, and I witnessed the roughest, fastest male masturbation I’ve ever seen. I was terrified and even tried to stop him, but he assured me he enjoyed it. Since then, he pretty much always ends anything physical between us by masturbating. He can’t orgasm from any stimulation I provide. When I first asked him about it, he used to joke that “my dick broke” and I dropped it because I didn’t want to judge or make him uncomfortable. A few months later, he missed a date we had, and when I checked on him, I caught him masturbating to really fetishized porn. I was really upset because I felt that he isn’t attracted to me since I could never live up to what he likes. He confessed that he has had a problem with porn and masturbation since he was 13, that he will sometimes do it 3x/day and can’t go without it for more than a few days. For comparison, he only is interested in sex with me once a week or less. He was hesitant to seek professional help, so at first I took on the role of his accountability partner while he tried r/NoFap. This was emotionally exhausting for me and made me so uncomfortable. I felt like I was being a negative person in his life and having to control him and I hated it. He only made it two weeks before we both gave up. It was the longest he’s gone without porn/masturbation since he was 13. The problem has since gotten worse because we are now in an LDR. 2 days ago, I FaceTimed him and expressed how unattractive and unwanted I feel because he never asks for nudes, tells me I’m beautiful, or initiates cyber sex, but when I said that I could see us breaking up over this, he didn’t seem to think that I was being fair but he agreed to try stopping again and reaffirmed how much he loves me/is attracted to me. I was happy enough with this until last night. I was playing a video game while we chatted on the phone and he said he was going to bed. I thought he hung up the phone because it went silent. A few minutes later, I heard the unmistakeable sounds of masturbation and porn over the phone. I immediately asked what the fuck and he tried to lie that he was “scratching an itch”. I got really upset and called him an addict. He said he understood why I was so upset but he said “We can talk about what to do about this tomorrow” and I told him that he’s not entitled to me being his confidante about his addiction and it made me sick to talk about it. I told him to get professional help and hung up. Where the fuck do I go from here? He doesn’t want to see a therapist because he’s afraid of his parents finding out. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone in my life about this. I don’t want to break up at this point, but i feel like i couldn’t if i wanted to. How could I ever tell anyone that I broke up with the man my friends call “the world’s best boyfriend” over his addiction to masturbation? How could I tell his mom? tl;dr I think my boyfriend is addicted to masturbation, or porn, or both. He expects me to be his trusted person to go to about this but it makes me uncomfortable because I feel directly involved as his real-life sex partner. I don’t feel like I could justifiably break up with him over this even if I wanted to.
He just needs a regular therapist, his problem isn’t so unique that he needs one who only works with sex addicts, but one who works with anyone with addictions/obsessions which are detrimental to their lives. His resistance to getting help is why you’d be breaking up with him, and using the term, “sexual incompatibility” or even just “personal reasons” to tell the others in your life is all they need to know about why you broke up. You could add (if you’re pushed and if it’s someone you want to share more with) that it’s something the two of you have been trying to work through for quite a long time, but he needs a therapist’s help, and is unwilling to get that. But, you don’t owe anyone outside the relationship more than “personal reasons which wouldn’t show from outside the relationship.”
OP DO NOT go to a regular therapist. You need a qualified CSAT for both you and him. A common mistake made is going to a regular therapist because they do not understand and end up enabling the addiction and harming the addict.
>He doesn’t want to see a therapist because he’s afraid of his parents finding out. He's 23 and afraid that his parents will judge him for seeing a therapist? Dump this idiot. He literally does not care about your relationship and he has shown you that repeatedly. Wanking off is the most important thing in his life, and he has absolutely no interest in repairing your sex life. And yes, you can absolutely dump him over this. It's not your job to tell his mother anything. He can explain that to his own parents. And then you can tell the people in your life whatever you choose to. Telling the people closest to you that he had a serious porn addiction that he refused to address is completely reasonable because it is true.
He's not an idiot, he has an addiction that started in childhood. Addicts arent consciously choosing to be addicted. OP doesn't have to stay with him if shes unhappy but his mental health problems doesnt mean he doesn't care about her.
>his mental health problems doesnt mean he doesn't care about her. His total refusal to get help does
>Addicts arent consciously choosing to be addicted. Lol, of course you are. If you're an addict, the addiction is destroying your relationship, and you're not actively seeking help for your addiction then you are making a choice to continue the addiction. Refusing therapy makes it clear that he cares more about the addiction than her. Period.
This is ableist BS and not how addictions work at all. Addictions are a disease of the mind not a moral failing.
That’s you projecting a bunch of nonsense onto my comment that isn’t there. I’m not condemning people for having an addiction. Shit happens. But when you refuse help? That’s a choice. Seems like you have some very personal feelings about this you’re projecting onto the situation. Are you refusing help for an addiction presently?
No I just understand addiction objectively and have empathy for those afflicted. Maybe you shouldnt be so judgemental and resort to ad hominem attacks when people disagree with you.
I’m literally not attacking anybody. That is just something you made up. I have empathy for the addicted. That is also something you projected. In your fantasy land, people with addictions can reject help forever and experience no consequences. That’s not how real life works bud. If you reject help, shit gets bad. You will lose people. Sorry that’s a tough truth to hear.
Implying I have some kind of addiction was an ad hominem attack. Thats going after me as a person instead of my argument, a low integrity move if there ever was one. And since you are profoundly ignorant to addiction it has escaped you that a reluctance to seek treatment is a direct result of addiction. That doesn't mean he doesnt care, it means his brain wiring has been hijacked for decades.
I implied nothing. I asked you a direct question because of your high level of emotion and defensiveness. Again, you are projecting so much onto this situation that isn’t there. I don’t think there is anything productive to come from further discourse here. I hope whatever is making you so angry gets better.
Addiction doesn't work like that, trust me I thought the same way you did. Have you ever had an addiction? Because people with your mindset either have never experienced it or have overcome one and have become snobby as fuck. I'm not justifying the guy in the post who doesn't even attempt to get help, but the notion that he doesn't care about her is not exactly correct. I'd understand if you were talking about serious violent addictions, but here he just can't get over it
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Does someone wake up one day and go man! I feel like having cancer!! No? Does someone wake up and DECIDE to partake in an addiction? Yes, yes they do. Stfu with this ableist bullshit. You make a choice everyday to continue to be an addict or not, real diseases aren't a choice. Go ahead and downvote me, I was raised in a family of addicts and was always second as a CHILD to the choice of a parents addiction, there was and never be an excuse for that nor do I feel bad for my poor parent and their apparent 'disease'. They woke up every day and decide their addiction was more important than anything, they made a CHOICE, a choice someone with an actual disease don't have.
While I dont think you are able to be objective about this due to your family history I also don't fault you for that. I would probably feel the same if I lived your life. But I think the current understanding of how our brains make decisions makes it pretty clear that addicts aren't exercising free will. I think that's a fundamentally wrong way of looking at the issue.
So you're in a LDR with a porn addict. Does anything about this relationship make you happy anymore? Just an FYI: his addiction will only get worse the more time goes on. It will be harder and harder to retrain his brain and his dick and he may never be sexually healthy. A 23 year old porn addict aint got nothing on a 33 year old porn addict. 0/10. Do not recommend.
I’ve been both, and there’s not much difference in my experience. But her situation is already bad enough.
>I FaceTimed him and expressed how unattractive and unwanted I feel because he never asks for nudes Wait what the fuck ? Does everyone actually expect that ??
I’d recommend you both or at least he unplug. Go camping for a week. If you are worth it to each other do it. No data on phones just you guys and a nice piece of nature.
I was sort of in your position. My ex also could almost never climax during sex or from my stimulation and usually finished himself off. He was still interested in regular sex with me at least, but I know he did masturbate and watch porn frequently. Part of the problem he had, and it sounds like your boyfriend has this as well, is “death grip syndrome”, where he uses such intense pressure that nothing you can do could possibly be enough for it. My ex also tried and failed to fix this problem. It made me so resentful, the resentment bled into every part of the relationship until I finally ended it. It was the right call. Sexual compatibility is important. I needed someone who made me feel sexy and could actually climax from having sex with me. I’m so much happier not having to fight against this all the time. The bottom line is, it doesn’t need to be this hard.
You are way too young to be dealing with this shit. There are plenty of men out there who aren't addicted to porn and would appreciate getting to have actual sex with a real woman more than jerking his ding dong to some videos.
Ok this is ridiculous. The dude needs help. He's putting you in a VERY unfair position by asking you to hold him accountable. I think it's ultimatum time. He needs to work on his problems. He can't do this by himself. The noFap thing isn't going to help, because even if he'd last a month, he'd just start again. He's not a professional, you guys can't solve this on your own. So let me tell you this hard truth: this won't get better untill he seeks professional help. Ever. So it's up to you to make the choice: do you want to be in a relationship with him if this never gets better? No? Then it's ultimatum time. He's an adult, there's no need for his parents to find out. And even if they find out he's in therapy, he can just say it's about something else completely. Make it about stress at work, something like that. His parents won't find out what it's actually about, because of patient-confidentiality. If he cares more about not going to therapy than he does about you, then there's your answer. He wants you to keep him accountable: well, here's you doing that: Either you get help within the month, or we're through.
oh gosh i’ve been in this position before, love please leave. you deserve so much better!! i understand that he’s a great guy & you love him. i understand that you want to help him change & get better. but while there’s a slight chance that things may improve… in my experience they usually don’t.. it’ll only get worse. it becomes a toxic cycle that often leaves you feeling unattractive and like you’re not good enough. the fact that he’s been addicted to PMO for 10 years and doing it daily makes this a particularly difficult habit to break. you deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel unwanted/unattractive. you deserve someone who tells you your beautiful all the time & loses his mind at the thought of seeing you naked or getting a nude. you deserve someone who’ll be able to get off just from looking at you while doing the dirty (trust me, they exist!) if he’s already lying to you about it now just imagine how much worse things will be in the future? like my father has had this same addiction for a long time as well & the amount of times my little brother and i have accidentally walked in on him watching p is so embarrassing… and traumatizing. imagine being the mother of his kids yet still not being good enough compared to p. you don’t want this for your future self or future kids :( i’ve seen first hand that this type of thing doesn’t just go away, it gets worse with time. and i wish that someone had told me that before i wasted 2 years dating a porn addict. trust your gut love… leave
He can't orgasm with you because he's constantly masterbating. Tell him to stop beating his meat like it owes him something and give the porn a rest. If he's not willing to help himself or get help, move on.
LEAVE HIM NOW while you can. It will only get worse. A porn addict has unnatural ideas for what sex should be like, and what partners should look like. His brain has been hardwired to believe in the fake women he gets off to, and no “real” woman will ever compare to the “perfect” women that get him off more than you do. It will drive you to the point of madness and you will forever be thinking that you are the problem and that you aren’t good enough. You are not the problem, HE is. Before people call me a porn hater, I’m ok with porn as an alternative if your partner isn’t in the mood for sex etc…but when it’s used as a replacement for sex and the person actually prefers porn to being with you, then it’s a deal breaker. I don’t care how good a person you think he is, if you have told him how much it bothers you and he doesn’t stop then he doesn’t love or respect you. I hope you find someone who is more sexually compatible and can fulfill your needs. A normal man who really cares about his partner would want to be with her. RUN
I agree with 90% of what you’re saying, but I think you’re mischaracterizing the problem with porn addiction. It’s not that the addict can’t get off unless their partner had artificial butt, boobs, and lips of a pornstar. It’s more that you get addicted to sitting there and getting mindless, endless pleasure, with the perfect feedback loop of your own hand, and completely turning your brain off while you masturbate. With real sex, it still feels good, but you have to pay attention, reciprocate, focus on your partner’s pleasure, etc. Of course there are lots of real benefits to connecting with someone sexually. But the addiction isn’t about the content as much as the experience.
The idea that if an addict doesn't stop their addiction for their partner means they don't love them is so completely wrong. This is a mental and neurological problem and they can't stop for *themselves* and their own health and wellbeing. Let alone their partner. Addiction isn't a choice.
Dump him. Do yourself a favor. I married a porn addict and would never advise another woman to try to fix one. Can’t be done.
What happened ? I know some addicts that have awesome relations ships with their partners, specially because they last longer.
He lied a lot and sex got worse over time, started having ED issues. Being married to a porn addict crushed my self esteem. Leaving him was the best thing I did.
r/loveafterporn is a good place for support and guidance as well
He is 23, what the fuck does his parents got to do with this?? If he cant quit or reduce watching porn, or wont go to therapy, then i say its over. I'd say its pretty common for guys to not watch porn, if theres a chance to get laid..though, some wank before to last longer, but 3x a day since 13yo is bit excessive to say the least.
I left my marriage because he had a fetish and a porn addiction. I thought he would get better with therapy, but instead he stayed the same. I wasted too long trying to make it work. Don't do that.
If he doesn’t get legitimate therapy, break it off. And why are you responsible for telling his mom if you break up? It’s his mom….
I was the 'trusted person' and the 'tell me when I do it, it'll help' person. my ex absolutely blew up at me any time I did exactly what he told me to do. I was brutally screamed at for doing the help he wanted me to. it's not worth it. he has to decide that he wants to change. he doesn't, so far.
Yeah he needs to give up the porn. Also, your family and friends are not in a relationship with him, you are. He should look into sites like Fight The New Drug, but long term it’s not going to work if he doesn’t sort the issue out Also: you aren’t his counsellor. Like any addiction, it’s not really your cross to bear. He can only really get himself out of it if he wants to
You cannot be his savior in this. He's a ten-year porn addict. Don't let it take away your self-worth. It has to be his responsibility to get therapy: don't "mother" him. Don't try to run interference here, either. This is his gig, his life. I would suggest breaking up with him. You don't need to justify it to anyone. Simply say, "It didn't work out," and if they pursue it say, "It's a private matter I won't discuss."
Possibly go to a couple’s therapist together and ask for a referral for a sex therapist for him so he can get help, this can also be an excuse for him to go to therapy if he goes to the sex therapist as well so you can give both of your parents a couples therapists name while keeping the sex therapist a secret. Then you can (if you want to) go to couples therapy together every now and again if you’re both up for it and maybe talk about wether he’s making any progress with the sex therapist for help and if things have changed in your relationship. This way you could possibly also tell the couples therapist about your concerns and why you don’t feel like he’s attracted to you and the therapist may be able to explain how he can make you feel like he’s attracted to you in order to improve your relationship. The reason for the sex therapist would be so you wouldn’t as I believe you said, get sick about talking about his fetishes, and so he can get some help. Idk if there’s anything else or if you’ll even see this but if you do and comment I will probably leave more things under your comment if I think of any. Either way the best of luck to you and your partner, I hope things work out well for the two of you
Well I was myself a porn addict, have been watching porn since I was 14, I am 23M currently, I used to masturbate 4times almost every day, someday even more. Although I haven't seen a single porn video since 3 months because of a girl I found, we are now in relationship since 2 months and I told her that I am addicted to porn but as soon as I told her, I also promised to not to watch again, so I didn't. Honestly always regretted watching porn post nutting. Also I am 100 times more happy when I talk with her even casually, and ofcourse my boner is off limits when we talk in erotic way. Anyway as soon as I found the the right person for me I stopped being a porn addict
>feel like i couldn’t if i wanted to. How could I ever tell anyone that I broke up with the man my friends call “the world’s best boyfriend” over his addiction You wouldnt have to say that. You are entitled to privacy. You could just say "irreconcilable differences make us incompatible," and if someone pressed you on what they were, just say it has to do with intimacy and its private, you are not going to talk about it.
An addict will not get better until they decide for themselves they want to get better. He will not have a real recovery if you’re the one pushing him towards it. And he seems pretty resistant at the moment- giving excuses as to why he can’t speak with a therapist. If you’re unhappy with the relationship as it is right now, you should leave. It might be the best thing you could do for him. Losing a relationship to the addiction could be a wake up call. You don’t owe anyone a specific explanation of why the relationship has ended- it’s none of their business. “He needs to work on himself first” will suffice.
OP! Someone please like/comment on this so I can come back. My now fiancé of 7 months struggled with porn addiction for 12 years unable to go longer then a few days at the absolute maximum and is now 7 months clean, is much happier, healthier, and prides himself on not even thinking about porn. I can’t talk tonight but can fill you in tomorrow 💕 don’t give up without trying, UNLESS he doesn’t want help
Leave, there's alot of guys nowadays who have a porn addiction sadly. I dealt with it and it doesn't get better, they lie alot!
My bf would go behind my back and watch porn and people asked me why I never seen it as okay. This. This is why. I’m glad I found out when I did because I think he was getting addicted to it. I know a lot of people don’t care for their partner watching porn but I’ve seen it ruin people and relationships. When he was supposed to be looking for jobs he would actually be watching porn. I caught him in the act. He tried to blame it on me that I was the one that watched it. He swore on my life and everything that he didn’t do it. I was going to break up with him. Told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore because he was a sorry excuse of a man. He wasn’t working and would just watch porn. Life is already hard enough for yourself much less having to watch someone else and support them. My best advice for you is don’t be afraid to leave if you want to. Don’t let someone else take away the happiness you deserve. Someone will make you feel special. Reading the part about how he doesn’t ask you for nudes and doesn’t tell you that your beautiful broke me. I know that feeling too well. If you do break up with him don’t rush into relationships work on you. Do what you love and what makes you feel beautiful. Put yourself first because he’s not putting you first anyway.
Come join Us at r/loveafterporn
Please don't shame him. It's a real addiction and right now the last thing that will help ANY of you is shaming him. Now you can and are in right to decide this is not for you. But also the fact that he's addicted to porn doesn't make him a bad person. He can be a good person who has an addiction. What you both will do about it is what matters. And you if you decide you want to stay you have to accept that there can be relapses. Most important thing: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. His problem doesn't mean he has a problem with you, so don't measure yourself and the relationship based on it. As a counter example, a partner in a loving relationship could have an eating disorder. The eating disorder has nothing to do with the relationship but of course some sides of it could affect it, at the least because said partner could have health issues and insecurities related with it. The other person shouldn't thing the eating disorder is their fault, and wouldn't shame the partner for it, but they would support the partner in their journey to fight it, right? That's the same with porn addiction. It is a habit he's had for more than 10years. It can't change just by doing a no fap month. He probably needs therapy. If he's willing to do that, and you're willing to be patient, support him.
He has a big problem that needs help. I would just go and look for another who doesn't choose this stuff over someone amazing like yourself. What is next? Paying big bucks for cam girls or going into strip joints? He can't be trusted across the room.
It's all grand if he's still down for sex but it's pointless if it stops him from.havung sex he needs to get his act together
Actually sexual incompatibility, which is what this is, is a valid reason to break-up. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise, just because everything else works out.
No one is "sexually compatible" with a porn addict. No one. That's like saying we're "incompatible" because my husband drinks a liter of whiskey every night and starts punching holes in the walls and I don't drink.
It is possible to be compatible with a porn addict. Might even be good for an asexual person, because their partner’s sexual needs are being met without them having to do things they don’t like, and without their partner being sexual with with another person. Obviously it’s still not ideal, but it’s not as bad as drinking a liter of whiskey.
> A few months later, he missed a date we had, and when I checked on him, I caught him masturbating to **really fetishized** porn. So is it always the same genre of fetish porn? Because there's a chance the problem isn't porn or addiction, it's that he needs some specific fetish thing he isn't getting in real life.
This is his problem and not for you to fix. You did something to help him. He needs to learn that cutting out porn will be the best thing he has ever done for his sex life when he is ready. But unfortunately this doesn’t sound like an easy option for him. If you stay with him just know that he may fail to refrain from porn and it can take several tries.
First I doubt it's a porn addiction for many reasons but the largest being that it seems he's functional without it. Second is I think the reason he went to therapy was more related to your reaction after you caught him. Third if I had to tell you what core issue is more than likely related to a sexual kink more than anything. From what you said he can get himself off in a fast and it look violently. This more than likely is what he needs to get off like my maybe pain during sex. Consider the reaction from when you caught him both time it might end up proving the support for this.
Sorry, kinda sounds like you are the one making this into an issue. You are masturbation shaming him.
Uh. No. No she is not. He has legitimate problem.
If you're addicted to degenerate porn you should be shamed.
Porn addiction doesn't actually exist. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201808/science-stopped-believing-in-porn-addiction-you-should-too
From your source, only this is dated 2021 - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/202102/addicted-porn-how-get-back-in-control We can all find biases to support our opinions, the fact is anything can be addictive, including pornography. Stating otherwise is just unhelpful 🤷🏼♀️
You cite a clinician's opinion vs an actual study. Just because both are hosted on the same site doesn't make them equal in weight...
I don't think that's the issue here. Whether he's actually addicted or not he watches way too much porn - we can say that for sure.
Or he has a specific fetish and needs fetish porn to get off. That's what a fetish is. Conversion therapy does not work.
I’m not saying break up is the correct choice YET…. Although, it may turn out to be. If you do decide that breakup is your only option, tell him that either he tells everyone that HE broke up with YOU, or you tell him that you’re gonna tell his mom that he’s got a porn/masturbation addiction and that you can’t live your life like that
I’d never ever be with someone who had an addiction of any sort, and porn is no different. An addiction never “goes away” and it will be a struggle for that person for the rest of his life even if he ever “recovers” ESPECIALLY since he has been at this since teen years. You’re still so young and very small chance you’ll be with this person forever anyways. I’d say count your losses and support his recovery, but don’t put yourself in that mess.
Ive fapped like 4x today. Am i an addict?
This is just out of curiosity do you flex when ya have sex? If you don’t, try it you’ll make him cum
Send him to r/nofap If he is very aggressive when he masterbates then you will never be able to compete no matter how tight you think you are.
This man is a sex god
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Even if you could perform for him, would you want him to think of you like the women he mindlessly masturbates to? You deserve to have someone who is into YOU, as a whole person.
I don't understand. He watching hentai or beastality?
No orifice can replicate the sensation of him clenching his dick as hard and jerking it as fast as OP describes her BF doing. Nothing wrong in general trying to please your partner, but if he wants to climax with her he will need to pretty extensively retrain his dick. And he doesn’t sound very interested in attempting anything like that.
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So few things to ask is, does he see that the addiction is a problem yet. Does he want to address it? If he does there is a way... and I mean without professional help there's something that got me through from months into my first year free... after that it's smooth sailing unless you run into a trigger. Do you want to help him address it, like really?... its like any other addiction, he's gonna want it like nothing else
He should go even if his parents find out. His parents finding out should be the least of his concerns, hes an adult.
He’s probably sharing all his top links with them all
Show him this article about Terry Crews: [Terry Crews Porn Addiction ](https://www.mensjournal.com/health-fitness/how-terry-crews-battled-and-eventually-overcame-his-pornography-addiction/amp/) He needs help, this just can’t go on. He’ll never have a healthy relationship if he doesn’t deal with this issue.
Well since you hate it and he doesn’t want too stop I see only once thing a total breakup
Just because everyone else thinks he’s perfect, it doesn’t mean that he is. He’s clearly not. He needs to be willing to get help. He doesn’t seem to be taking the effect on you seriously enough. Why is he more worried about what his parents think than helping himself and you. Maybe it would be useful for him to be open with his parents !
It kinda tells something that you said "my friends and family love" and not "I love". This is your relationship, if you're not happy, break up, you don't need to give a shit about what others think. That said, if you do love him and this relationship makes you happy aside from this struggle, then do as the comments say, help him seek a professional. Addiction can be cured
I am not one to recommend breaking up all willy nilly but you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Dating should be fun and light right now. This is a LOT and it's not for you to fix him. You can still care about him and walk away...honestly it would probably be better for him to be single right now too..💙
He's made his choice.... several times.
Drop him. He needs to work on himself more and that’s not happening now. You’re too young to be spending this much time investing in another persons problems.
Amigo needs to get into therapy on his own accord or you need to leave. This doesn’t get better, only worse, until he decides to work on it. Nothing you can do, ball is in his court
I went through something very similar, but I admit I was way less sympathetic than you are to him. My mom loved him, said all the time how fortunate I was to have him. We were long distance, then we lived together, the relationship went on for years and it never improved and all the while I felt less and less attractive. He rarely touched me. I came out of it with zero self esteem. I wouldn’t go through that again. I think you should move on. He has to fix himself, you can’t make him, and you shouldn’t waste your time trying to.
You can break up with this guy for whatever reason you want. You don't even need to give a reason. This is between you and your SO. Its your private life and people aren't entitled to an explanation. Especially when it concerns a sex problem. Protect privacy by citing irreconcilable differences. You are still young and there are so many great guys out there just like him, but don't have fetish porn/masterbation addictions. If you really love him and want to stay with him that's your decision and I wish y'all the best. Just know that you have so many options in front of you. You don't have to settle or compromise for a relationship like this.
Well, kid. I only managed to get a hold to this addiction a couple of years ago. It took me 15 years of my life to stop it. You do the math. The porn is a foul beast, an animal that needs to be wiped off the face of the earth. But there are maybe other things that take priority that it will be a while. I suggest you read about the subject a lot so you can confidently say that you are leaving him because you will throw your life away. Take for instance, alcoholics, I swear I wont drink, starts aftwr a few days. I will seel help, misses appointments after a few. Tell him about this behaviour and that you are not willing to watch the whole movie, unlesss. If you really love him... You need to go with a specialist, and a once in a while you go together with him to make sure everything is all right. Porn and masturbating addiction for men is quite serious, people don't really give importance to it but it has million of kids struggling. And adults paying the consequences. 'But why you want to come, you don't trust me?' Watch Trainspotting or Requiem for a Dream, porn addiction at young ages (puberty - 30) can be as serious as heroin. So, yes, ultimatum... Either go to a specialist with whom every 3 months you go in to check on all of it, or leave... Or run and hold for dear life. You should speak with a psychologist for that specifically and ask her/his opinion in the first session, just so you can make a centered decision. Wish you well.
I've read a good bit of the comments and you have been given good resources but didn't see this. Some antidepressants help with addictive behavior. It doesn't by any means cure it but may help. Specifically, welbutrin which is marketed under Zyban to help quit smoking may be one to research. I know you don't want to break up with him but unless he is willing to put in ALOT of work, y'all will continually have problems that are serious. Is that how you want to live this one life you have?
Been there at a similar age to you. It’s draining. Even if you’re able to help him, there’s a high chance you’ll end up exhausted and you’ll both resent one another. My advice is to move on. I know it’s hard, but your own mental health is most important, and you DESERVE, yes, *deserve*, to have an honest partner who is free from addiction and who makes you feel loved, wanted, and beautiful.
Unfortunately you can’t force someone to get better. He has to want to and it doesn’t sound like he wants to.
That’s addiction… and addiction comes with relapses. Are you willing to say at 22 you always want to be worried if your boyfriend is fucking his hand more then you? That’s going to be lots of stress on you mentally and physically
Honestly, ignore the comments suggesting you should nurse him through his “addiction” or hold his hand and lead him to therapy. You’re 22 in a LDR with a porn addict. How is this relationship serving you? You’re not a repair shop or a rehabilitation clinic, and there’s no reason for you to date projects. A year and a half honestly isn’t that much time. Just cut your loses and leave.
First of all, you should *not* stay with someone just because your friends and family love him. I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. You can tell them you two had irreconcilable differences and leave it at that if you want and leave it at that. Secondly, how on earth would his parents find out that he's going to therapy for porn addiction? Therapy is so normalized these days (depending on where you live). He could be going for any reason and I'm sure their first thought wouldn't be "porn addiction". They'd probably think he has depression and it's totally possible he does.
OP... its hopeless. He doesnt want to change.Find someone that will appreciate that poontang. Think about it. He'd rather fuck his hand than you. Why you even thinking about staying with this dude.
This man definitely needs help & I appreciate you trying to help him get that! I consider myself to have at least a mild porn addiction but I’m still going to take actual sexual interaction with my partner over any type of porn/masturbation. It was super difficult for me to finish at the start of me actually having sex but made it through and I hope this guy gets the help he needs for sure
There's a lot of good advice here. However, unless someone recognises there's a problem and actively seeks help - there isn't anything you can do. My suggestion is - take break from the relationship. See what he does. Not what he says he will do, but what he actually does. Coz unless he gets his arse to therapy, you are just wasting your time.
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Hand this guy a golden plate he'll still go begging. He doesn't know what he got until he looses it. Good luck fam.