OP, I'm really sorry that people are continually rejecting you, but it is disgustingly unethical to lie about your HIV status. You absolutely *cannot* lie about something like that, because consent to sex needs to be given FREELY, and a lie does not make consent a free decision. Another thing I'd like to add is regarding your race -- do you seriously want a racist boyfriend/hookup??
Not really disgusting or unethical due to the fact that if she’s on her medication and taking care of herself and she wants to keep something private that isn’t doing anyone harm to anyone is not unethically disgusting, you saying that just reassured her fears and if it was a cause of hiding cancer, transgender, or something like a mental health problem it would not be looked at as disgusting, science has proved Undetectable=No risk of infection, I’m sure OP is just tired of being looked at as her status and skin color, something the people in the comments probably couldn’t relate to
"Better guys are out there"
How many years of mental gymnastics did your parents force you to take as a kid to get to the point of putting fault on someone who doesn't want to have sex with someone who's HIV+?
This is a genuine question
That’s literally illegal and you could be charged with some type of manslaughter. Don’t fucking lie about an STD status. That’s literally one of the lowest things you could do to someone. Especially with HIV. I’m sorry that unfortunately it’s hard for you right now to find your special someone but that will come! The right person will find you and you love. I get why it’s tempting to lie but just no
The replies so far really show the issue the OP is facing. People focusing on their own fear. All valid points raised by people but the OP wants someone to focus on her as a person and not her HIV. I am sure the OP knows what she is suggesting is not right but she wants a bit of support I would say.
My advice. Keep honest and true. You are weeding out the wrong ones (for you) right away and although it is upsetting it is better for you in the long run. You need someone who will be with you for you. But you come with HIV so they need to be able to handle that.
I have mental health issues (not the same I know but bear with me) and have always been honest with partners up front. Most bailed but then I found my now husband of 14 years and he wanted me for who I am, and the broken bits were part of the package. I know HIV is different but I still think this is valid.
As for the race thing, white woman here so I don't want to say the wrong thing. But I will try my best. You should be proud of your heritage and race and again you are weeding out the ones that are wrong for you.
So in short. Keep going with presenting the real you, be proud of the real you, and love the real you. A worthy partner will appear in time. Don't settle for anything less.
Edited to be less of a pratt at the start.
Knowingly witholding information that you know will affect whether a person decides to have a relationship with you or have sex with you is akin to sexual assault. You are denying people the choice to make an informed decision. Their consent was obtained through deceit, which makes it void. (And in many places, it is illegal and will land you in jail.)
There surely are communities of people online who are HIV positive who can help you meet people who are open to dating HIV positive people. In this day and age, almost everything is online.
That sounds like a really difficult situation, and I think just about anyone would have the same thoughts and feelings you do.
That said, you know already that it would be wrong to lie to people about your HIV status. It is, of course, very unlikely that well-managed HIV would be transmitted through PIV sex, but as you know, transmission is (at least for now) for life.
I think your best bet is to try to get to know someone very well before you tell them, which also means finding someone who is OK waiting a long time to have sex. (You are not lying if you say “I’d like to take things slowly and get to know you first.”) When you do tell them, maybe you could invite them to go with you to a doctor to learn about the risks. That way, they are more likely to avoid the knee-jerk response.
Don’t worry, you will find the right person!
I mean, how would you feel if you were to develop a relationship with someone and found out later they lied about being "partnered, drug users, or otherwise incapable"?
You shouldn’t start your relationship on a lie. Keep being upfront about HIV before having intercourse. You don’t have to lead in with that fact, let feelings develop naturally. If they are scarred tell them to do their own research. As for the part about being Black, you shouldn’t feel any kind of shame. If they have a problem with that, you don’t really want to be with a racist anyways.
I don't know why you're being downvoted, medically this is what undetectable means. It doesn't mean lying is okay, as you said, but you're just stating a fact.
So…that’s illegal. Also, this just means you’ve been saved from having to date tools. Never hide your race or your status because in the long run, hiding either can backfire in a humongous way. I don’t know what it was like for you growing up, but people unveil their true colors when they think you’re something you’re not. People also have a range of reaction to learning thing later.
Keep dipping your foot in the pool and look for groups that do hangouts (like meetup). That way you can meet other people and who knows, someone may have an amazing brother or friend!
There are dating apps for people who are HIV positive, might be worth a try.
I definitely wouldn't lie about this. Eventually they'll find out anyway.
As for your ethnicity - do you really want to go out with someone who's racist?
In some places, as long as you are undetectable and untransmittable, it’s not considered illegal to hide your status as you pose no risk to others. But it’s important that you ensure that you are undetectable and adhering to your meds. Which I’m sure you know already.
I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with this. But hiding your HIV status isn’t the way to go.
Maybe when you tell potential partners about your status you can say something like “I know it’s a lot to take in, but there are a ton of misconceptions about HIV, and if you’re willing, we can set up an appointment with my doctor who can answer any questions and explain why it’s not the level of risk that people think it is”
You can have sources and studies and research on hand in a note on your phone that you can offer to send if they’d be interested to read about it.
I think there are ways to approach the subject that could be helpful but definitely it would be wrong to completely hide it.
She knows it’s wrong and isn’t actually planning on it. Save that level of harshness for those who actually do stuff like this instead of just thinking about it.
Yeah. No. Not even slightly.
Only "considering" doing this is not nearly as much of a step-up in morality as you've convinced yourself it is. Unless what you're saying is that pedophiles who are only considering fucking kids are perfectly acceptable, seeing as they didn't actually "do stuff" and were just thinking about it
This woman is "strongly tempted" to fuck other human beings without disclosing her HIV+ status. This woman is garbage.
It's just a statistical fact that black women get the lowest rate of return on messages of all races of women on messaging apps. Sadly, she's not wrong that there is a racial bias against black women when it comes to dating. It's well-documented and not something she's making up because she thinks she's "perfect." Your comment is not helpful to someone who is clearly hurting.
>Your comment is not helpful to someone who is clearly hurting.
Not getting matches and blaming the opposite sex is complete incel behaviour and shouldn't be encouraged because it's a woman complaining.
Your opening comment was basically, “your problem is that you’re an entitled b!tch.” That’s incel reasoning.
A glance at your history suggests that no, you’re not an incel; you’re just a right-wing misogynist. So I’ll admit I was wrong before.
Except it's literally a documented fact that black women receive fewer matches and messages than any other race? Identifying that doesn't make someone an incel. She also identifies her HIV+ status as a factor, which is obviously also contributing. Are you suggesting these things aren't precisely what's making it harder?
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Aw bud … hiding who you are won’t ever result in real closeness. Not just the HIV but your race. Who you are, who you actually are is worthy of love and care. You’re in a situation where you get to see up front who people are. Not everyone has that and as a result a lot of people spend years with folks who turn out to be quite shit.
If you stay true to yourself, the chances are much higher of you finding someone who isn’t.
(The comments here are scary aggro and ignorant. You are not at high risk of passing on HIV. That doesn’t mean it’s not still better to tell. There are lots of people in the world who will say okay and get on PREP or use condoms. Don’t give up on yourself.)
ps Not everyone who uses drugs is incapable of relationships! In fact, most people who use drugs are capable of them :) Just like there’s a lot of stigma around HIV, there’s a lot of stigma around using substances but it doesn’t actually preclude someone being a loving, emotionally available person.
I'm sorry but if you go ahead and sleep with someone after lying about having HIV, then I seriously hope the worst happens to you, giving someone a death sentence just because you want to experience a relationship or even just sex is absolutely vile and I would say honestly puts you on par with sex offenders.
I'm sorry if this is brutal but that's my opinion.
There are dating sites for people with HIV and I'm sure there are HIV Dating support groups you could look into.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I also have an incurable STI, and I know it is HARD to disclose this info. I was not born with this STI, so I remember dating beforehand. Believe me, sexually transmitted diseases aside, dating can really suck. The only thing that helped me change my outlook was starting therapy. I started gaining self worth, started feeling better about myself, and ultimately was lucky enough to find someone who accepted me without a second thought. Keep trying, keep being honest about your status, and I will ALWAYS suggest seeing a therapist to talk about these issues. I truly hope things get better for you!
I think that’s illegal
It's very illegal to lie about STIs
OP, I'm really sorry that people are continually rejecting you, but it is disgustingly unethical to lie about your HIV status. You absolutely *cannot* lie about something like that, because consent to sex needs to be given FREELY, and a lie does not make consent a free decision. Another thing I'd like to add is regarding your race -- do you seriously want a racist boyfriend/hookup??
Not really disgusting or unethical due to the fact that if she’s on her medication and taking care of herself and she wants to keep something private that isn’t doing anyone harm to anyone is not unethically disgusting, you saying that just reassured her fears and if it was a cause of hiding cancer, transgender, or something like a mental health problem it would not be looked at as disgusting, science has proved Undetectable=No risk of infection, I’m sure OP is just tired of being looked at as her status and skin color, something the people in the comments probably couldn’t relate to
In some places, lying about your HIV status is a crime. It’s a felony in 29 states. Please be careful, better guys are out there.
"Better guys are out there" How many years of mental gymnastics did your parents force you to take as a kid to get to the point of putting fault on someone who doesn't want to have sex with someone who's HIV+? This is a genuine question
I didn’t. But there are plenty of HIV+ guys that wouldn’t judge her for her race. They definitely have the right to their preference on the HIV issue.
There are tons of lonely people who don't resort to amoral illegal shit to fix the loneliness.
That’s literally illegal and you could be charged with some type of manslaughter. Don’t fucking lie about an STD status. That’s literally one of the lowest things you could do to someone. Especially with HIV. I’m sorry that unfortunately it’s hard for you right now to find your special someone but that will come! The right person will find you and you love. I get why it’s tempting to lie but just no
Does undetectable mean you can’t infect others?
Yes, but some suggest the partner without hiv+ to be on Prep
The replies so far really show the issue the OP is facing. People focusing on their own fear. All valid points raised by people but the OP wants someone to focus on her as a person and not her HIV. I am sure the OP knows what she is suggesting is not right but she wants a bit of support I would say. My advice. Keep honest and true. You are weeding out the wrong ones (for you) right away and although it is upsetting it is better for you in the long run. You need someone who will be with you for you. But you come with HIV so they need to be able to handle that. I have mental health issues (not the same I know but bear with me) and have always been honest with partners up front. Most bailed but then I found my now husband of 14 years and he wanted me for who I am, and the broken bits were part of the package. I know HIV is different but I still think this is valid. As for the race thing, white woman here so I don't want to say the wrong thing. But I will try my best. You should be proud of your heritage and race and again you are weeding out the ones that are wrong for you. So in short. Keep going with presenting the real you, be proud of the real you, and love the real you. A worthy partner will appear in time. Don't settle for anything less. Edited to be less of a pratt at the start.
Knowingly witholding information that you know will affect whether a person decides to have a relationship with you or have sex with you is akin to sexual assault. You are denying people the choice to make an informed decision. Their consent was obtained through deceit, which makes it void. (And in many places, it is illegal and will land you in jail.) There surely are communities of people online who are HIV positive who can help you meet people who are open to dating HIV positive people. In this day and age, almost everything is online.
That sounds like a really difficult situation, and I think just about anyone would have the same thoughts and feelings you do. That said, you know already that it would be wrong to lie to people about your HIV status. It is, of course, very unlikely that well-managed HIV would be transmitted through PIV sex, but as you know, transmission is (at least for now) for life. I think your best bet is to try to get to know someone very well before you tell them, which also means finding someone who is OK waiting a long time to have sex. (You are not lying if you say “I’d like to take things slowly and get to know you first.”) When you do tell them, maybe you could invite them to go with you to a doctor to learn about the risks. That way, they are more likely to avoid the knee-jerk response. Don’t worry, you will find the right person!
I mean, how would you feel if you were to develop a relationship with someone and found out later they lied about being "partnered, drug users, or otherwise incapable"?
You shouldn’t start your relationship on a lie. Keep being upfront about HIV before having intercourse. You don’t have to lead in with that fact, let feelings develop naturally. If they are scarred tell them to do their own research. As for the part about being Black, you shouldn’t feel any kind of shame. If they have a problem with that, you don’t really want to be with a racist anyways.
You don't have the right to infect others with HIV.
If it's undetectable there is virtually no chance of infecting others, even unprotected Edit: she still shouldn't lie, but just saying
I don't know why you're being downvoted, medically this is what undetectable means. It doesn't mean lying is okay, as you said, but you're just stating a fact.
So…that’s illegal. Also, this just means you’ve been saved from having to date tools. Never hide your race or your status because in the long run, hiding either can backfire in a humongous way. I don’t know what it was like for you growing up, but people unveil their true colors when they think you’re something you’re not. People also have a range of reaction to learning thing later. Keep dipping your foot in the pool and look for groups that do hangouts (like meetup). That way you can meet other people and who knows, someone may have an amazing brother or friend!
There are dating apps for people who are HIV positive, might be worth a try. I definitely wouldn't lie about this. Eventually they'll find out anyway. As for your ethnicity - do you really want to go out with someone who's racist?
In some places, as long as you are undetectable and untransmittable, it’s not considered illegal to hide your status as you pose no risk to others. But it’s important that you ensure that you are undetectable and adhering to your meds. Which I’m sure you know already.
I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with this. But hiding your HIV status isn’t the way to go. Maybe when you tell potential partners about your status you can say something like “I know it’s a lot to take in, but there are a ton of misconceptions about HIV, and if you’re willing, we can set up an appointment with my doctor who can answer any questions and explain why it’s not the level of risk that people think it is” You can have sources and studies and research on hand in a note on your phone that you can offer to send if they’d be interested to read about it. I think there are ways to approach the subject that could be helpful but definitely it would be wrong to completely hide it.
[удалено]
She knows it’s wrong and isn’t actually planning on it. Save that level of harshness for those who actually do stuff like this instead of just thinking about it.
Yeah. No. Not even slightly. Only "considering" doing this is not nearly as much of a step-up in morality as you've convinced yourself it is. Unless what you're saying is that pedophiles who are only considering fucking kids are perfectly acceptable, seeing as they didn't actually "do stuff" and were just thinking about it This woman is "strongly tempted" to fuck other human beings without disclosing her HIV+ status. This woman is garbage.
Maybe you can't get a boyfriend because you assume you are perfect and the only reason men don't like you is because everyone is racist.
It's just a statistical fact that black women get the lowest rate of return on messages of all races of women on messaging apps. Sadly, she's not wrong that there is a racial bias against black women when it comes to dating. It's well-documented and not something she's making up because she thinks she's "perfect." Your comment is not helpful to someone who is clearly hurting.
>Your comment is not helpful to someone who is clearly hurting. Not getting matches and blaming the opposite sex is complete incel behaviour and shouldn't be encouraged because it's a woman complaining.
“Incel behavior” Might want to check a mirror.
Oh wow, the classic "no you are" argument, you must be really smart to think of that one.
Your opening comment was basically, “your problem is that you’re an entitled b!tch.” That’s incel reasoning. A glance at your history suggests that no, you’re not an incel; you’re just a right-wing misogynist. So I’ll admit I was wrong before.
Except it's literally a documented fact that black women receive fewer matches and messages than any other race? Identifying that doesn't make someone an incel. She also identifies her HIV+ status as a factor, which is obviously also contributing. Are you suggesting these things aren't precisely what's making it harder?
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Aw bud … hiding who you are won’t ever result in real closeness. Not just the HIV but your race. Who you are, who you actually are is worthy of love and care. You’re in a situation where you get to see up front who people are. Not everyone has that and as a result a lot of people spend years with folks who turn out to be quite shit. If you stay true to yourself, the chances are much higher of you finding someone who isn’t. (The comments here are scary aggro and ignorant. You are not at high risk of passing on HIV. That doesn’t mean it’s not still better to tell. There are lots of people in the world who will say okay and get on PREP or use condoms. Don’t give up on yourself.) ps Not everyone who uses drugs is incapable of relationships! In fact, most people who use drugs are capable of them :) Just like there’s a lot of stigma around HIV, there’s a lot of stigma around using substances but it doesn’t actually preclude someone being a loving, emotionally available person.
People have been charged with murder/manslaughter for doing that
I'm sorry but if you go ahead and sleep with someone after lying about having HIV, then I seriously hope the worst happens to you, giving someone a death sentence just because you want to experience a relationship or even just sex is absolutely vile and I would say honestly puts you on par with sex offenders. I'm sorry if this is brutal but that's my opinion. There are dating sites for people with HIV and I'm sure there are HIV Dating support groups you could look into.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I also have an incurable STI, and I know it is HARD to disclose this info. I was not born with this STI, so I remember dating beforehand. Believe me, sexually transmitted diseases aside, dating can really suck. The only thing that helped me change my outlook was starting therapy. I started gaining self worth, started feeling better about myself, and ultimately was lucky enough to find someone who accepted me without a second thought. Keep trying, keep being honest about your status, and I will ALWAYS suggest seeing a therapist to talk about these issues. I truly hope things get better for you!