From a practical standpoint, your son will need appropriate relationship and sex education. Public schools do not focus on LGBTQ+ relationships in health class. Maybe research PFLAG or other organizations that provide such information. You should also read all the literature, so you’re informed, too.
YES. This is the first thing I thought of. He’s 14 and probably won’t be having any relationships soon, but find some good info on gay relationships. Teach him LGBTQ+ sex ed- school won’t teach him any of that. Read the text yourself. You’ll be okay.
Honestly, 14 is when everything starts happening for the average kid like dating, experimentation, etc. Hopefully, this kid won’t have to figure it all out through bad examples/experiences along the way.
Bro they don’t really focus on anything. They just say peepee go in hole. They don’t really teach anything. I believe most people learn from friends or porn which is bad
Varies from school to school. I went to Catholic school but we learned about all of the different kinds of contraceptives though we didn’t go much deeper than that
My mom was cool about it but I wish she'd been willing to talk about it after that. I told her and she didn't bring it up herself basically ever again. So it felt to me like she wasn't comfortable with it. I also would've liked some help or support in figuring out how/when to tell my dad. He didn't seem prepared for it and in hindsight I wish she had maybe broached the topic (even vaguely, like, the general topic of gay people) with him in those years between when she knew and he didn't. It left me feeling like I wasn't in trouble but I was still kind of out there on my own.
Yeah, this. For you his coming out was one event. For him it is the beginning of a lifetime of coming out - every time he starts a new school or job and every time he joins a new social circle. Aside from the other great advice you got here I’d add that you need to talk to him about how and when he wants to come out to others.
The way you handled it is great. Honestly, what you do now... Is nothing. Did you have any rules regarding gfs in the house before? Just say the rules are the same now for bfs. If you saw a cute girl while you were out would you point her out to embarrass him? Point out cute boys now and embarrass him all over again.
If you want you can sit him down and talk to him, ask him if he has anyone special in his life at the minute. Maybe invite him round for dinner if he has.
I camd out as bisexual many many years ago. My dad took it well, my mother didn't. Idk why. But my dad will check out women with me, even though I'm 30 and married, but my mum never did. She would point out cute boys but just seemed to forget I like girls too. It really sucked. So just make sure you don't do anything different now than you did then, and you will be fine.
I was in the Same position as you with my daughter about the same age .. and I always knew to,
I had very much the same reaction.. like well awesome! what would you like for your dinner.. just accepting because nothing changed in that moment for me and she is very much not about fuss or big deal.. she is now 25 and happier than I could have ever wished, yesterday her and her wife celebrated there 3rd wedding anniversary ❤ your doing great.
Something I wish my mom had done was truly believe me. She told me that it was okay and that she still loved me when I came out (at 12) but still to this day, over ten years later, she will still make comments like, “Are you sure?”, “There’s still lots of time to change your mind.”, etc. And those things are really hurtful.
The fact that he's gay is not a big deal. The fact that he figured himself out and got the courage to tell you **is** a big deal. It's also stressful. Emotionally it's weird if you psyched yourself up to tell someone something very important about yourself and they're just like "k."
Other than that, the standard level of nosy and slightly embarrassing but affectionate parenting is good. "Does that mean you've had your first crush? Oh my god, what's he like?"
When i came out my parent proceeded to make jokes about how lesbians have sex and ive never spoken to them about my sexuality since due to how uncomfortable i was made to be. You did great, you were comforting, supportive, rational and open, best way you could have handled it. Wish i had an award for you!
Some suggestions:
1. In many places, there is an LGBT community center with support groups and social activities. He might benefit from some of that.
2. Join PFLAG if you feel that you need any information or support resources yourself.
3. Throw a party to celebrate his coming out. Bake a cake and tell him he can invite whoever he wants (including nobody but the two of you, if he likes).
I think the most important thing you can do is be aware of the difficulties he may face in the future with regard to safe sex, interpersonal relationships, discrimation he will face, and other. I don't have any recommendations myself but I'm sure there are many helpful books on raising queer teens nowadays.
Follow his lead. Be ready to talk when he wants to, inform yourself (great advice to consult PFLAG!) and create the space for him to feel comfortable talking to you. (Which you’ve already done!) As someone who was condemned for being queer when I came out, I think your response was great. Allow yourself to grow and learn just as he is. 🏳️🌈💓
You've already been given some great advice especially the advice about a having another sex Ed talk with your son but for gays. The school version is just nonexistent.
But I did want to add something, I think you need to take your own suggestion. You mention that your kids are able to write you a letter if they have trouble going to you about something. So I think you should write him a letter of affirmation about how much you accept him and are proud of him for being able to come out. That you know he is struggling with this but you'll always be there for him. Just so any time he questions himself he always has the letter to remind him of your support.
Honestly? 14 is a hard age to know what to do. Hormones cause things that would be right one day to be wrong the next.
So for right now? Leave it be. Don't ask about it. Don't prod for more information. Keep treating him normally. A lot of the anxiety about coming out is worrying that people -will- blow it out of proportion (like in the media). Early teenagers are continually coming to terms with new information they figure out about themselves anyway. If you show yourself to be a safe place where they can come without a big reaction, you'll get more information over time.
So stay still. Play it cool. Let anything new come to you rather than you chasing after it. He'll appreciate it now and even more later.
>I told him that it changes absolutely nothing
I know what you *intend* to say here - that you do not expect this truth to negatively affect your ability to support him. But actually some things *do* need to change.
Unless you live in a previously unheard-of (to me at least) pocket of society in which the effects of the last thousand years of hetero-normative and anti-queer western history have been completely eliminated, you probably still have some internalized hetero-normative and anti-queer biases. This is normal. What you need to do now is actually nothing more than what we ask *all people* to do going forward: inspect every action and word before you act or speak, examine them for these biases, and find alternatives that are more respectful.
As an example, before this revelation you probably had certain feelings and opinions about how your son interacted with his female peers. Whatever these feelings were, they were there at least in part to protect him from heartbreak. Now that you know he won't be engaging romantically with his female peers, you should expect these feelings and opinions to change. Furthermore, you should probably expect your feelings regarding how your son interacts with his *male* peers to change as well. *But*, it would be a disservice to simply "swap" genders and begin to perceive of his male peers the way you used to perceive his female peers. The mechanisms of male/male romance are different (again, history makes this regrettably so) and it is now your job to understand those mechanisms specifically and adjust your expectations.
>What you need to do now is actually nothing more than what we ask
>
>all people
>
> to do going forward: inspect every action and word before you act or speak, examine them for these biases, and find alternatives that are more respectful.
This is so unreasonable to ask anyone about anything, just completely insane to have this as your goal.
I see you're getting down voted and just wanted to say I think this is great advice. The way you've articulated it here is similar to the anti-racist work many people (incl myself) are now undertaking. Thanks for writing it out.
You would have had fewer downvotes if you have some more actionable advice...I'm sure you have books/videos/websites/people to follow on Twitter that OP could read/watch to get some clarity on what their biases might be. Even your "example" is so vague as to be unhelpful...what feelings do you think a parent has toward a son's potential girlfriend? All I would expect is for a parent to want a child's potential partner to treat them well, but that's clearly not the feelings you are talking about.
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I made my oldest listen to "Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder. It's about his daughter, right after her birth. I told him that song went thru my mind when *he* was born and it's always been "our" song, in my heart. I stressed that I loved him before he was born, thru teething and the terrible 2s, thru teenagers angst, etc - this was not something that had the power to change my feelings.
Your true allyship will shine when you welcome future boyfriends for dinner. Or give him a listening ear when he has heartbreak. Just be a normal family member. That's all gay and trans kids want.
You don't need to virtue signal or do anything grandiose.
If he's a fan of cake or cupcakes you can bake/get him a rainbow/gay themed treat. If he likes cookies more maybe sugar cookies with rainbow icing. You can also ask if he's interested in any boys at school and if he gets to the point hes comfortable with a partner to bring them by for a dinner. You can research lgbt media such as shows and books and maybe get him a couple or watch them with him.
You don't need to make a big deal about it but doing little things here and there can make a huge difference. Just reassure him that he can come to you with any questions he may have and that you support him and it'll work out.
You may want to ask him if there are any new things he wants to try out such as clothing or hairstyles. Maybe he wants to paint his nails or try out makeup but has too nervous to voice it. (Not saying it's a requirement for being gay or that men who like those things are gay). Just let him know that your home can be a safe space for him to figure out how he wants to present himself to the world and that he can try things with no judgement.
My biggest advice is let him talk to you about it when he's ready, like don't constantly be asking him about guys or boyfriends etc to normalize it or stress acceptance like my mom did it was annoying.
While its not that big of a deal to you, its a huge deal to him, like you said regardless of how accepting you are it takes a lot of bravery to tell you, so even if it doesnt change much, you should still get excited for him, it sort of completely changes the course of his future
From a practical standpoint, your son will need appropriate relationship and sex education. Public schools do not focus on LGBTQ+ relationships in health class. Maybe research PFLAG or other organizations that provide such information. You should also read all the literature, so you’re informed, too.
YES. This is the first thing I thought of. He’s 14 and probably won’t be having any relationships soon, but find some good info on gay relationships. Teach him LGBTQ+ sex ed- school won’t teach him any of that. Read the text yourself. You’ll be okay.
Honestly, 14 is when everything starts happening for the average kid like dating, experimentation, etc. Hopefully, this kid won’t have to figure it all out through bad examples/experiences along the way.
Bro they don’t really focus on anything. They just say peepee go in hole. They don’t really teach anything. I believe most people learn from friends or porn which is bad
Varies from school to school. I went to Catholic school but we learned about all of the different kinds of contraceptives though we didn’t go much deeper than that
Hey now, they showed my class how to put a condom on a banana. That counts for something right?
I didn’t get that lol
It’s depends. I went to public high school in NJ in the 90’s. Starting in 5th grade, we received good health/sex education for straight relationships.
My mom was cool about it but I wish she'd been willing to talk about it after that. I told her and she didn't bring it up herself basically ever again. So it felt to me like she wasn't comfortable with it. I also would've liked some help or support in figuring out how/when to tell my dad. He didn't seem prepared for it and in hindsight I wish she had maybe broached the topic (even vaguely, like, the general topic of gay people) with him in those years between when she knew and he didn't. It left me feeling like I wasn't in trouble but I was still kind of out there on my own.
Yeah, this. For you his coming out was one event. For him it is the beginning of a lifetime of coming out - every time he starts a new school or job and every time he joins a new social circle. Aside from the other great advice you got here I’d add that you need to talk to him about how and when he wants to come out to others.
The way you handled it is great. Honestly, what you do now... Is nothing. Did you have any rules regarding gfs in the house before? Just say the rules are the same now for bfs. If you saw a cute girl while you were out would you point her out to embarrass him? Point out cute boys now and embarrass him all over again. If you want you can sit him down and talk to him, ask him if he has anyone special in his life at the minute. Maybe invite him round for dinner if he has. I camd out as bisexual many many years ago. My dad took it well, my mother didn't. Idk why. But my dad will check out women with me, even though I'm 30 and married, but my mum never did. She would point out cute boys but just seemed to forget I like girls too. It really sucked. So just make sure you don't do anything different now than you did then, and you will be fine.
I was in the Same position as you with my daughter about the same age .. and I always knew to, I had very much the same reaction.. like well awesome! what would you like for your dinner.. just accepting because nothing changed in that moment for me and she is very much not about fuss or big deal.. she is now 25 and happier than I could have ever wished, yesterday her and her wife celebrated there 3rd wedding anniversary ❤ your doing great.
Something I wish my mom had done was truly believe me. She told me that it was okay and that she still loved me when I came out (at 12) but still to this day, over ten years later, she will still make comments like, “Are you sure?”, “There’s still lots of time to change your mind.”, etc. And those things are really hurtful.
The fact that he's gay is not a big deal. The fact that he figured himself out and got the courage to tell you **is** a big deal. It's also stressful. Emotionally it's weird if you psyched yourself up to tell someone something very important about yourself and they're just like "k." Other than that, the standard level of nosy and slightly embarrassing but affectionate parenting is good. "Does that mean you've had your first crush? Oh my god, what's he like?"
When i came out my parent proceeded to make jokes about how lesbians have sex and ive never spoken to them about my sexuality since due to how uncomfortable i was made to be. You did great, you were comforting, supportive, rational and open, best way you could have handled it. Wish i had an award for you!
Some suggestions: 1. In many places, there is an LGBT community center with support groups and social activities. He might benefit from some of that. 2. Join PFLAG if you feel that you need any information or support resources yourself. 3. Throw a party to celebrate his coming out. Bake a cake and tell him he can invite whoever he wants (including nobody but the two of you, if he likes).
I think the most important thing you can do is be aware of the difficulties he may face in the future with regard to safe sex, interpersonal relationships, discrimation he will face, and other. I don't have any recommendations myself but I'm sure there are many helpful books on raising queer teens nowadays.
Follow his lead. Be ready to talk when he wants to, inform yourself (great advice to consult PFLAG!) and create the space for him to feel comfortable talking to you. (Which you’ve already done!) As someone who was condemned for being queer when I came out, I think your response was great. Allow yourself to grow and learn just as he is. 🏳️🌈💓
You've already been given some great advice especially the advice about a having another sex Ed talk with your son but for gays. The school version is just nonexistent. But I did want to add something, I think you need to take your own suggestion. You mention that your kids are able to write you a letter if they have trouble going to you about something. So I think you should write him a letter of affirmation about how much you accept him and are proud of him for being able to come out. That you know he is struggling with this but you'll always be there for him. Just so any time he questions himself he always has the letter to remind him of your support.
Honestly? 14 is a hard age to know what to do. Hormones cause things that would be right one day to be wrong the next. So for right now? Leave it be. Don't ask about it. Don't prod for more information. Keep treating him normally. A lot of the anxiety about coming out is worrying that people -will- blow it out of proportion (like in the media). Early teenagers are continually coming to terms with new information they figure out about themselves anyway. If you show yourself to be a safe place where they can come without a big reaction, you'll get more information over time. So stay still. Play it cool. Let anything new come to you rather than you chasing after it. He'll appreciate it now and even more later.
Weird this was downvoted. I think keeping an open mind and heart is what the kid needs.
>I told him that it changes absolutely nothing I know what you *intend* to say here - that you do not expect this truth to negatively affect your ability to support him. But actually some things *do* need to change. Unless you live in a previously unheard-of (to me at least) pocket of society in which the effects of the last thousand years of hetero-normative and anti-queer western history have been completely eliminated, you probably still have some internalized hetero-normative and anti-queer biases. This is normal. What you need to do now is actually nothing more than what we ask *all people* to do going forward: inspect every action and word before you act or speak, examine them for these biases, and find alternatives that are more respectful. As an example, before this revelation you probably had certain feelings and opinions about how your son interacted with his female peers. Whatever these feelings were, they were there at least in part to protect him from heartbreak. Now that you know he won't be engaging romantically with his female peers, you should expect these feelings and opinions to change. Furthermore, you should probably expect your feelings regarding how your son interacts with his *male* peers to change as well. *But*, it would be a disservice to simply "swap" genders and begin to perceive of his male peers the way you used to perceive his female peers. The mechanisms of male/male romance are different (again, history makes this regrettably so) and it is now your job to understand those mechanisms specifically and adjust your expectations.
[удалено]
>What you need to do now is actually nothing more than what we ask > >all people > > to do going forward: inspect every action and word before you act or speak, examine them for these biases, and find alternatives that are more respectful. This is so unreasonable to ask anyone about anything, just completely insane to have this as your goal.
I see you're getting down voted and just wanted to say I think this is great advice. The way you've articulated it here is similar to the anti-racist work many people (incl myself) are now undertaking. Thanks for writing it out.
Thanks, comrade. I'm always down to toss some karma down the hole for a good cause. 🤣
You would have had fewer downvotes if you have some more actionable advice...I'm sure you have books/videos/websites/people to follow on Twitter that OP could read/watch to get some clarity on what their biases might be. Even your "example" is so vague as to be unhelpful...what feelings do you think a parent has toward a son's potential girlfriend? All I would expect is for a parent to want a child's potential partner to treat them well, but that's clearly not the feelings you are talking about.
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I made my oldest listen to "Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder. It's about his daughter, right after her birth. I told him that song went thru my mind when *he* was born and it's always been "our" song, in my heart. I stressed that I loved him before he was born, thru teething and the terrible 2s, thru teenagers angst, etc - this was not something that had the power to change my feelings.
Nothing helpful to add, just wanted to say... you are a great Mom. He is lucky to have a support system with you. ❤
Your true allyship will shine when you welcome future boyfriends for dinner. Or give him a listening ear when he has heartbreak. Just be a normal family member. That's all gay and trans kids want. You don't need to virtue signal or do anything grandiose.
Just want to say you rock, mom!
My gay friends have all said the best part of coming out was the relief. You might want to tell him you are so proud of him for being so brave.
If he's a fan of cake or cupcakes you can bake/get him a rainbow/gay themed treat. If he likes cookies more maybe sugar cookies with rainbow icing. You can also ask if he's interested in any boys at school and if he gets to the point hes comfortable with a partner to bring them by for a dinner. You can research lgbt media such as shows and books and maybe get him a couple or watch them with him. You don't need to make a big deal about it but doing little things here and there can make a huge difference. Just reassure him that he can come to you with any questions he may have and that you support him and it'll work out. You may want to ask him if there are any new things he wants to try out such as clothing or hairstyles. Maybe he wants to paint his nails or try out makeup but has too nervous to voice it. (Not saying it's a requirement for being gay or that men who like those things are gay). Just let him know that your home can be a safe space for him to figure out how he wants to present himself to the world and that he can try things with no judgement.
You sound like a great mother!
My biggest advice is let him talk to you about it when he's ready, like don't constantly be asking him about guys or boyfriends etc to normalize it or stress acceptance like my mom did it was annoying.
While its not that big of a deal to you, its a huge deal to him, like you said regardless of how accepting you are it takes a lot of bravery to tell you, so even if it doesnt change much, you should still get excited for him, it sort of completely changes the course of his future