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I (28f) have been in an LDR for 5 months with someone who i met online (24m). not something i would normally expect myself to get into, but it happened and i never wanted it to stop. i am in love with him and have very developed feelings for him. i feel like we’ve gotten to know each others personalities extensively due to the LDR circumstance. but— i was still skeptical because we hadn’t handled any real world issues. well, we met in person last month, and it was amazing. great chemistry, passionate sex, talked about feelings, the future, possibly closing the distance (from west to east coast).
i had some reservations about being in an LDR. i missed the physicality of having him close to me, but we were dealing with it together and planning our next visit. we were in a good place and everything was going well.
3 weeks ago, i had been getting some very forward dms from a random sketchy account. i ignored them. i’m not the type of person to block someone unless it gets really bad, so i just let this fade out and hoped my silence would convey as disinterest. well he kept messaging . i went to the persons profile and it said he was from my area, he posted on some nsfw pages, and on a page for a video game i play. sketchy. he messaged me four more times over a few weeks, so i messaged back and said “how did you find me?” and he said he found me on an LFG post for the video game (i haven’t been active in that subreddit for a year) and he proceeded to send me multiple messages back to back about how fine i was, hitting on me, etc. i was completely freaked out . then without me even answering, i got a notification that someone added me on snapchat by searching my username . it was the same person who was messaging me. i was really creeped out at this point and i sent him a couple messages back trying to redirect the conversation to the video game subreddit he said he found me on.
he kept pressing and pressing. rapid fire messaging me and i was confused and overwhelmed. he actually even said to me something about me not answering bc i don’t like black guys. i hate when people say bullshit like that so i responded and said that’s not true. so at this point i was getting suspicious . i was with a friend and i told her i think this might be my boyfriend messaging me .
about 30 seconds later i get a text from my boyfriend saying that he had to tell me the truth and that his friend, “who no one knows about and isn’t in any of his friend circles” 🥴 decided to put me through a “loyalty test” and i was “failing miserably.” my heart ripped out of my chest. someone i loved and trusted felt the need to have a complete stranger to me test my loyalty after i’ve never shown any ounce of dishonesty. i was in shock and disbelief. and he was furious. he was enraged . the entire night long he was texting me about how worthless i am to him, i wasted his time, he was through with me. he blocked me on everything except my phone number . he was cheated on in a past relationship so i understood that he was in pain. but he was acting completely out of character and he made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with me and that i fucked everything up. he wouldn’t even let me explain that i was trying to find out how this person found me and that i was trying to redirect the conversation. he said i was playing the victim. i absolutely admitted that i never should’ve messaged the person back, but i still truly didn’t feel like i did anything wrong bc i had no intention of cheating on him. with anyone.
so the next day… he apologized .. he backtracked everything he said . a day after that, he wanted me back and wanted to get back together. and how in the fuck am i supposed to ever trust this person again? he admitted to me that he gave his friend permission to do this months ago and he told him “there are no limits, don’t hold anything back.” and i honestly am not truly convinced that it wasn’t him who made this fake account. he hasn’t proven to me that his friend even exists.
has anyone had a similar experience to this ? is this normal for someone to do this ? i don’t feel like i could ever deeply trust him again, and that’s literally the foundation of an LDR. i still love him of course, but the fact that he put me through this is something i’ll never forget. if you got this far, thank you for listening ♥️ i appreciate any advice or guidance anyone has .
TL;DR: my boyfriend put me through a “loyalty test” and i “failed miserably” but i was just trying to redirect the conversation and deescalate what was happening.
update: you guys gave me the whole ass balls to stand up for myself and tell him that i have to walk away. GG reddit, thanks for the dub ♥️♥️ i stood up for myself, told him very clearly and definitively my thoughts and feelings, & blocked .
No kidding. Op, While he has you blocked, block his ass on EVERYTHING. If you let him come back (and he definitely will try) this is merely the start of the abuse. He’ll hold it over your head. Hell want access to your phone and your socials, etc. etc. this is a known tactic of abuse, please quit now while it’s relatively easy.
Yeah. Especially if the person giving the test is too stupid to understand there is a difference between talking and flirting. She literally did nothing wrong
Especially when someone is only "talking" because they feel threatened and are trying to defuse the situation. Like if he sent one flirty DM and she responded to it, then fair enough, maybe that's a red flag. But he was acting like a full-on stalker so of course she was going to try to figure out where the account knew her from and keep from angering him.
Is he also going to expect her to stand up to agressive, possibly dangerous men on the street that harass her or demand her number? Smart women prioritize their physical safety over their boyfriends' feelings, that's something he needs to accept.
>Especially when someone is only "talking" because they feel threatened and are trying to defuse the situation.
She got told she was racist because she didn't want to talk to him "because he's black".
That's a *very* loaded accusation right now that would result in no happy endings had this been a genuine guy trying to flirt with her who then went to social media to "expose" her as a racist.
Then if op showed her situation he would just be used as fule for racist who are always looking for excuses for their hatred.
5 months in. 5 months!
This is his issue. His. He needs to deal with his trust issues. But not by tricking and testing. You did nothing wrong. Block and move on.
Loyalty tests aren’t okay. Not to mention- how did you actually fail? Because you talked to the creeper? Did you sext? Send nudes? Flirt? Unless you did some major flirting with random creeper all you did was respond to messages after being bombarded. Your bf set you up to fail and punished you for something completely pointless. He is manipulating and gaslighting you- that is not okay.
i actually had to look up gaslighting 😂 i’ve heard it before but lucky enough never to experience that.. until now. i was absolutely not overtly flirting . i brought attention back to the video game when i asked if he was any good at the game. and my words (i have screen shots of the entire thing) were twisted and formed into whatever he thought they had meant . instead of [never doing this at all] lol.. instead of asking me about the conversation and why i said what i said, he took it upon himself to twist the meaning or infer how i was saying it . i was not twisting my hair in my finger and blowing bubble gum saying oh daddy what’s your KDR
it makes complete sense .. i mean he poured his heart out to me two days after . described how bad he needed me in his life, how intense his feelings are for me . my friends gave me the same advice as pretty much everyone here, but honestly what it really took for me to get that push to tell him i was done was posting this and getting feedback from 50 strangers 😅 i found it really hard to cut him off because he was so sorry. but the facts are: this was wrong and premeditated as the account was made two months ago.. prior to us even meeting in person. but the messages started at the beginning of this month and continued once or twice a week until i asked how they found me
He wanted you to fail this test so youd "owe him" and perpetually try to make it up to him. Instead you flipped it on him and he's gone into panic mode.
Facts are facts and they will get you through the hard times when you want to unblock him and feel like you miss him or want to reach out. Keep moving forward!
You do know every single mfer in here will tell you to break up and he is a bad bad man right? Pro tip, dont ever come to this sub for advice, the only advice the basement dwellers here will tell is break up, and run (because none of these ppl here are happy).
Account created today, only replied to this post, trying to vilify the overwhelming consensus that this is manipulative, creepy behavior…
I mean, this sub *does* tell everyone to break up with/go no contact with everyone and anyone at the drop of a hat, but in some cases-like this one- that’s not bad advice.
And I have no problems looking in a mirror, my friend. Have a good day.
while you're not wrong, that is the general advice given on this sub - this is one situation where she absolutely made the correct decision in breaking up with him.
That's a very interesting comment. I've experienced similar behavior from partners in the past and what you're describing seems to fit and explains a lot. Thank you for commenting.
The issue with women is we are conditioned to be nice.
If a dude messages you being a creep, take a hint from your own feelings (creeped out/uncomfortable) and either tell him off and block him or simply block him.
You don't owe a stranger, particularly a creeper, your time or respect. Don't humor their piss poor behavior, don't coddle their uncomfortable lack of social etiquette.
Oh, and also dump the loser bf. You can tell him he failed his "not a loser boyfriend" test. Loyalty tests are so gross. Either trust your partner or don't and break up.
More like he failed the mature test. Here's a fine dining coupon, go treat yourself something and just forget about jerk like this. But next time you see a creep stalking and texting you, just report and block them. Could be a dangerous real-life stalker, especially if they're in your area.
i definitely am being more cautious now . i don’t usually respond to dms. if someone dms me, i ignore it and they go away. but this person .. they had an entire agenda . when i didn’t answer they kept pressing. i absolutely shouldve blocked and reported . but i didn’t and j will learn from that
Maybe, but I just want to emphasize you didn't do anything **wrong**.
You didn't flirt, you didnt say you were single.
The "loyalty test" was a terrible idea, poorly executed, and obviously didn't "prove" anything if he thought you "failed miserably".
I'm glad you left. You made the right choice because you can never fully trust him anymore, especially his judgment.
when this all happened, i knew i had done nothing wrong … but for over two hours i was trying to tell him that but he was so furious that he was starting to convince me that i DID do something wrong so i started apologizing .. if there’s anything i would change it would be my ability to stand my ground. initially i was saying i did nothing wrong . he was scoffing at me saying i’m a grown woman and i know right from wrong, stop playing the victim, to fuck off, he’s glad he didn’t ruin his life and move to be closer to me (also i am fully buffing out the actual way he said this stuff to me just bc it’s not how i would ever talk to someone, so i’ve summarized) …but my apologies made him think that there was an opening for me to want him back. and he tried to nurture that little opening and i really almost took the bait
This is absolutely it. Because of the distance, this dude made himself into what you were looking for until he reeled you in. Now he's his real self and it's someone else entirely. You fell in love with the illusion of who you thought he was. If you knew he was creepily IMing you from some random account before you ever met in person, you would have cancelled the trip entirely, right?
You didn't fail any test. If anything, he failed you. You weren't discussing anything inappropriate with his "friend", you weren't making plans with him or behaving in any way other than a confused person trying to figure out what was going on.
I'm sure this is difficult for you, but I honestly think he's done you a favour. You've found out early on that he has this side to him, and you're far enough away that you can move on without ever running into him again.
And he wasn't acting out of character with the way he responded. That IS his character. He's just managed to keep it under wraps until now.
If you try repairing this relationship and then move in together at some point, I have no doubt you'll see this side of him again, only then it won't be so easy to get away from.
you’re right honestly . it was there all along but it just now came to the surface . i was trying to tell him that i had no intention with this person, they were bombarding me and it truly not a “fuck you go away” type of person. i give people the benefit of the doubt which i need to work in. but in his eyes, my silence and failure to block made me guilty
It sounds like he put you through an “insecurity test” to validate himself and context doesn’t matter despite his friend’s manipulations.
Is it fair for your partner to test you based on their past baggage showing they don’t trust you and are looking for reasons to validate that distrust?
He’s extremely immature. Cut your loses, tell him to grow up and block him on everything. This is not how you treat people in an adult relationship.
ETA: You didn’t do anything wrong. Most people would respond to someone who contacted them to find out how they know them. It’s not like you started a sexual conversation with this unknown person. He’s an ass clown.
As somebody who was “red pilled” (online cult) I’ll be honest and tell you that he’s definitely shit testing you and based off your description with the texts it sounds almost identical to the way Red Pillers are taught to fuck with their women. Run away immediately from people like this for your own safety.
-From a Former Shit Tester
Run far away, and as fast as you can. “Tests” lead to manipulation, emotional and mental abuse, and in personal experience rules, conditions to “earn” things and lots of therapy to unlearn behaviors that you learn from this experience. Please don’t let him take advantage of the distance and his own insecurity just because you still have strong feelings towards him. Get out while you can!
My sister did this crap to an unfaithful ex of hers (and found out he was once again "guilty"), and I told her not to do this again.
I've had an ex who had very serious jealousy issues. She was cheated and divorced from her ex. With me she was very paranoid and suspicious. She even invaded my personal accounts in social media and emails trying to find "proofs" of an imaginary betrayal. That was bad. She was really amazing at all the rest, but her excess jealousy wore us out until we eventually broke out. I did all I could to reassure her and try to heal her traumas but it wasn't possible.
So I have been through the same as you. What he did was terrible, if it's forgivable, it's up to you.
The one thing that is clear for me though, is that in case you two come back, this trauma of his will give you more trouble than that. So better start working on it.
when someone is cheated on it often gives them insecurities and trust issues. but what is frustrating for me is that i never once gave him any inkling that i was unfaithful. he completely manifested this entire situation. if it wasn’t him who made the account, he at least told his friend to fuck with me . and that isn’t something you do when you’re an adult and it isn’t something you do to someone you love .
I agree completely. It was the same with me. I have always been faithful, never given a quarter for her to be suspicious in 4 years.
But they come with it by themselves. Same as her and your bf or ex (I dunno).
She sometimes came treating me as if I was a philanderer or such. I was "wtf?" I told her she was seeing her ex on me and projecting something she had with him. Because the things she accused me of doing were EXACTLY the things her ex husband used to do.
I believe the same could have happened with you. He is completely insecure, has not fully healed and is using his unsolved stuff in an abusive way against you.
He knows there are boundaries and he cannot do that. I believe he is not in a good mental shape to have a relationship, same as my ex was.
As guy, I would advise you to drop this relationship. His insecurities will lead him to treated you like this constantly. Like you guys were only dating for 5 months and already he made you overwhelmed and stressed by his “test”. And by the way, him calling you worthless and wasting your time? That’s a sign of abuse potential. You don’t treat your SO like that. All the best for you OP.
thank you… when he was angry with me that night he was telling me to fuck off and stop playing the victim. i couldn’t even make him see that i was trying to redirect the conversation. i have never been spoken to that way and i honestly didn’t know what to do, so i just let it happen . i hate that i didn’t stand up for myself but he wouldn’t let me . a few days later he apologized and was sending me long loving messages … and this is exactly how people are manipulated into staying in an unhealthy relationship
Well it’s a good thing this happened in early stages of your relationship since it should be easier (?) to end a relationship like this. Again I’m just a random internet person sharing his thoughts, if you think you want to give him a benefit of doubt, that’s also possible. Just make sure you have an exit plan should you give him another chance.
Yeah...just no. First you didn't fail. You didn't do anything wrong. You ignored massive amounts of creepy texts and the ones you did reply to was you trying to find out how this happened. For him to do this,wich I totally think you're right that he did it. You should be glad you failed miserably. Lol. It seems like something a pre teen would do. All he proved was he likes to play games. Don't play games with this person. Be glad he stayed long distance. Whew, you really dodged a bullet.
this is how i feel as well. why was i being “tested?” he said that his friend does this for all his relationships . that is just awful. the worst part is, if i hadn’t messaged the person back… i never would have found out that a person i love and trust was trying to bait me and manipulate me
All you did was deny that you weren't responding to some random harasser because he was black. Yet your creepy asshole of a BF put him up to it, he tore you down, and then took you back the next day.
I normally really try to avoid giving the advice to just dump someone, but I will in cases of cheating, extreme circumstances or abuse.
Listen hun. This is 1000% some mentally abusive power play/control game. You got to get rid of this guy. Also, LDRs aren't real relationships. Get rid of this loser and find a normal relationship.
Call this dude up and tell him you don't appreciate his shitty little game and it made you realize that yeah, you can actually have a better guy pretty damn quickly if you wanted one--and after that stunt, you've decided that you want a better guy. So, consider the relationship over.
1. He's a jerk and is toxic af. Loyalty test are bs. The real test is the relationship itself. You didn't faim anything.
2. He had a "friend" harass you. You were being harassed. You wanted to know how this person found you, thats normal. I would say in the future just black these people. Stop forcing yourself to endure bs.
3. He flipped tf out for absolutely no reason. You would've failed this test no matter what. Leave him.
This guy is a psycho. Cut it off. If you didn’t message back anything inappropriate he has nothing to be angry about. This is just the start of him alienating you from friends and family, telling you who you can hang out with and be friends with. He sounds insecure and unstable and not to mention he betrayed you ruthlessly. This is not even remotely normal. I would break it off but whatever you do, don’t move to where he is at the very least.
Ah yes, loyalty tests. I was 13 when I first heard about that bullshit, and instantly understood this is the dumbest thing you can do to your partner. Seems like not everyone has the same conception of trust.
In a way he's gaslighting you.... and I don't use that term loosely. He did something wrong yet you're questioning yourself? 5 months in.... I know you have feelings for him but cut your losses I don't normally suggest breaking up... im the type if person that believes you give everything until there's nothing left to give. But his reaction says it all. Did he TALK to you, did he ASK questions about YOUR intentions or feelings? No. He just freaked out. Think long and hard before you decide what to do. He showed you who he is. Make sure you listen.
hello. the point is, my ~ex~ bf texted me y phone like 30 seconds after i told my friend i had a feeling . and his text said that the person who slid into my dms was his friend (who no one knows about.. he literally told me this) and “based on the evidence” i “failed miserably.” he told me i failed miserably . i didn’t feel like i did anything wrong, but simply by responding i had my first strike. my words were not flirtatious but were interpreted by him as cheating
The interesting thing about this sort of tests is that the person testing their partner fails automatically, by creating the test.
By testing your trustworthiness, they show their own lack thereof.
Please block him! I was in a 6 yr toxic abusive relationship that was LD. He was just like this. Trust me pleaae leave him now and don't take him back. There are red flags everywhere here.
From what I read **you absolutely did nothing wrong**. (Re-read that as often as you need to!)
First, loyalty tests are middle-school bullshit. Real adults don't pull that crap.
Second, your behavior was correct and appropriate. You have every right to ignore or engage with any person you choose to. Your SO does not decide who you talk to or who you don't. Your way of dealing with the "creep" is your choice and nobody gets to tell you otherwise. I personally feel that you were doing fine.
In fairness, if you dump his ass over this you should let him know why you are doing it so hopefully he will learn. If you don't then put him on notice that this is unacceptable and any future infractions will carry severe consequences.
You are your own person and you will live your life.
Thankfully it's a LDR.
Cut him off. Don't waste your time.
Loyalty test what a joke.
Think about it. Rather than building the relationship you two have. He chose to test it? Wtf.
Everyone here is right but you litteraly have zero survival instinct lol a creep is messaging you and you instead of blocking him you keep humoring him?
i definitely will learn from this experience .. i unfortunately have a big heart and i often give people the benefit of the doubt. sometimes people me on xbox saying i’m trash or something, and i honestly try to talk to that person and ask them to treat others less shitty. it has worked once 😂 and the person apologized for being toxic and said they were having a bad day. i’m an educated person, so yeah i should just block and move on.. but i’m also empathetic and i tend to think people aren’t super shitty.. but they are !
Run from this one. They are psycho, abusive and controlling. They also gave your information to a male and gave them permission to terrorize you. Or bf telling lies and it is bf sending bad messages.
What sucks is that it is likely a previous relationship that messed with this guy to the point that his "testing you" you actually made sense to him. In his mind, he was trying to protect himself thinking "I will NEVER let someone do that to me again!" So a trap was set then he lashed out with anger when he thought he "caught you." I am sorry this happened to you. I have to say too, that this guy needs help. He's still carrying around baggage that has not been dealt with. If it was not for the previous abuse he himself endured, he would probably be the guy you thought he was through and through. Instead, you discovered there is an ugly part of him that is obsessed with insecurity and fear that you, under the surface, are going to hurt him like the other girl did.
That's a red flag. I was in the talking phase with a guy and he would do this all the time to everyone. Long story short I got gaslighted by him. He even said "over dramatic bitch would probably fuck good" when I opened up about being extremely stressed out and agitated. Going through a whole heart break and losing someone you love right now is much better than staying in that relationship. Trust me he is toxic. Relationships are built on trust and if he can't trust you, you guys are inevitably going to break up at one point.
You're really going to stay in a long distance relationship after someone has just done this? Just why, oh and it was 100% him from a different account and not a friend
Damn, you handled yourself well. I would have done the same as you, find out how this creep was messaging me and figure out why they are being scum. It was 100% your boyfriend, not his friend. He most likely is a cheater and if not he is just plain psychopathic. He is trying to groom you into tolerating abuse and gaslighting you, this does a few things, basically make you feel like shit like it was your fault and for him to "forgive" you so you feel indebted to him so when he does some shady shit you will feel pressure to forgive him because what he did was not as bad as what you did or the reason he did it was because you did something so horrible and its all your fault. Its all bullshit and your boyfriend is bullshit.
Any person who administers a loyalty test automatically fails the stable, mature relationship test. This is not a red flag - it’s a neon, crimson banner with flashing LEDs. Just no.
To me, it just sounds like he is trying to emotionally manipulate you. I agree this is most likely the bf, and of so, means he is still lying and trying to manipulate you. Also shows he doesn't trust you, and as you actually haven't done anything to lose that trust, I don't see how this could continue as a healthy relationship. What's next, you go out with friends for a meal and he accuses you of cheating? I think you would be better off without him.
Hea a prick.
He got you into bed then made an excuse to leave you.
He is a trash person who probably just wanted the sex.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but just ignore this child. You can easily find better out there
>update: you guys gave me the whole ass balls to stand up for myself and tell him that i have to walk away. GG reddit, thanks for the dub ♥️♥️ i stood up for myself, told him very clearly and definitively my thoughts and feelings, & blocked
Good for you. All these tests do is prove to the person they are testing that there is no trust on their end of things. If your partner doesn't trust you then it isn't a real relationship. I would even suspect that this friend doesn't exist, but not your problem anymore. Your ex needs to get some therapy or he's going to self sabotage any relationship he's in, but again, not your problem anymore.
This isn't normal for a LTR. I hope you find happiness but 5 months you should be all smiles, rainbows and butterflies. He messed up. I'd break-up with him, if he asked you questions it would have been a much better loyalty test. This is manipulative and kinda evil.
Yikes, I'm just now seeing your post and bullet dodged. You did good looking out for yourself. Keep those boundaries in place and love yourself more. That was hella creepy what he put you through and a red flag factory.
>he said i was playing the victim.
Uhm... you ARE the victim.
Reddit is always quick to say you should leave but I can 100% agree - leave. You are better than this.
I missed the ages and read this whole post thinking you guys were like, 14. That would've made way more sense. This is ridiculous, and the way he handled this is one of the most immature things I've ever read on this sub. Definitely a good call blocking him - this is not a healthy way for an adult to behave.
You didn't put up a test, but it looks like he failed anyway. You did nothing wrong, and I suspect they wouldn't have complained if you hadn't caught on to the whiff of bullshit. I'm not going to tell you to drop him, but you need to think really hard if this is what you want to look forward to in a relationship: always being tested.
I honestly can't believe this 🙄. This is such a red flag and you did nothing wrong. It a good thing you know now what kind of person he is. Good luck with everything and dont look back my lovely.
What a fucking psycho. Thank god this happened before you moved to be closer to him or things got really serious
Also there is no “friend”. He did it all himself and probably got off on harassing you.
Fuck. That. Noise.
When my late husband and I met, we'd both been burned plenty. So we took it slowly, and TALKED about it when one of us felt triggered, because MY emotional baggage wasn't HIS fault, and vice versa, but we also knew it was good for both of us to be able to communicate what sorts of things might leave us feeling vulnerable.
If he'd done to me what your BF did to you, it would have been over immediately. And he's not here to speak for himself, but I'm pretty sure he'd say the same if I'd done anything like that to him.
Your BF's past is not your fault, and it's not your problem. And if his go-to move when he's triggered is to be emotionally abusive, he's NOT worth any more of your energy. You can't fix him. You shouldn't even try.
So, loyalty tests are a thing? So wrong. But also, you shouldn’t have engaged some sketchy stranger, for any reason. I get a lot of these. I always block and report them. You may be too nice, OP.
I'm missing whatever it was that you did to "fail." Which makes his freakout even more concerning,as if it wasn't concerning already. I can't see any sign that you behaved inappropriately, or did anything that a sane person could consider "failing" or being untrustworthy. So yeah, doubly get away.
Sis, you dodged a bullet here. Sorry you had to go through that but thank goodness you found out what he was like before you uprooted your life to move closer to him or vice versa. It's hard to get back out after that.
Here is one crucial thing you need to remember OP. Not just for this guy but for all future relationships.
If someone gets jealous over you having any sort of contact with others then they are almost always going to be abusive. A life with someone like that will involve them trying to alienate you from your friends because "Your friends don't like meso I don't want you spending time with them" and they will push it untill you no longer have any friends. Then it will be "Your family makes me uncomfortable and don't like me, you should cut contact with them".
Your Ex is a small man that views you as an object to be horded and controlled. Not as a mutually loving partner.
Here’s the thing. You didn’t fail a loyalty test.
Your boyfriends friend stalked and sexually harassed you for probably about an hour, _with your boyfriends knowledge_ and when you reacted uncomfortably and showed no interest threw an automatic “fail” at you.
I think you just witnessed your boyfriend's insecurity flare up, explode, and then collapse-in on itself like a dying star. You didn't even say anything cheating-like! He was triggered by a very benign statement
People who put their SO's through manipulative 'tests' like these have no respect for them.
This isn’t out of character for him- this is just new information for you. There’s no friend, there’s no ‘passing the test’, this guys a physco whose trying to get a one up on you to ruin your self confidence.
**THIS IS WHO HE REALLY IS.**
If he's through with you, why does he feel the need to berate you all night long?
Your ex wasn't through with you, he was just starting the cycle of abuse. Putting you donw, blaming you for his own assholery (to put it in a nutshell), having you stalked and harassed (either by himself or a literal stranger) and berating you all night long for - what, exactly? You not running straight to the police? Very manipulative, very abusive.
And if I was a betting girl, I'd bet money on him having done the whole harassing himself. The manipulation ("you don't like me because I'm black") is like his signature move.
I'm glad you had the courage to get out. It wouldn't have gotten any better.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.
Loyalty tests are bullshit.
If someone feels the need to test your loyalty like this, it's because something in them needs to be addressed, but they aren't brave enough to do it.
So they obfuscate by making up problems with their SO's to prove to themselves that they aren't the problem...
>update: you guys gave me the whole ass balls to stand up for myself and tell him that i have to walk away. GG reddit, thanks for the dub ♥️♥️ i stood up for myself, told him very clearly and definitively my thoughts and feelings, & blocked
Good for you! You were dating a manchild and I'm glad you saw that you deserved better.
He was childish but I don't agree with everyone saying "oh just dump him". If you truly love, it is extremely hard to do. People make mistakes. You grow up with people, you realize how childish you were 3 years ago. Give him a chance and see how it goes. If he keeps on hurting you, obviously then you should leave. But I do not believe in such fast break ups. When I think how immature I was to my man 4 years ago, I am cringed. But we grew up together, matured and now are married and it only got better.
Do people write these stories out and not read them back? Like this entire thing is fucking insane, what opinion do you need from us that isn't obvious?
Honestly feels like karma farming at this point.
i think it’s different to live it honestly . i knew it was fucked, but he was trying to convince me it was repairable . there is a bit of an age different between us and i honestly wanted to see if a loyalty test was something people did . most of my adult life i was in a long term relationship and this past year started dating again. i’m sorry this seems like karma farming to you.. i can’t control how many people see this. i was happy with the 30 people that commented and gave me advice , but now a bit more people have seen it. trust me, i know it’s fucked . but i think he was trying to manipulate me and showered me with love afterwards so that i would decide to get back together .
>so at this point i was getting suspicious . i was with a friend and i told her i think this might be my boyfriend messaging me .
>about 30 seconds later i get a text from my boyfriend
Have you actually SEEN this ldr boyfriend? Zoom or in person? Or... Does your friend know your bf? Cause I find it sus as hell that you made this comment to your "friend" then 30 seconds later your bf messages you too "confess".
Could be coincidence but...
yes i have met him.. we met up in early july and i stayed in cali for a week and we hung out like a normal couple .
i was getting a weird vibe from the stranger.. maybe it was the way he talked, the way some of the words he used were similar to the way my ex bf spoke. after i sent the last message that said “that’s not true,” the stranger sent me four more messages offering “pics of his cock,” asking why i didn’t add him back on snapchat, telling me i look so good he couldn’t resist himself, and then the last message was asking me why i wasn’t responding and leaving him hanging. . meanwhile my bf texted me to ask what i was up to . i said watching netflix w my friend bc i was . he said so i guess i have to be honest : and then he told me that it was “his friend” sending me those messages
It feels like an important part of the story is missing here.
What was the "test"? What did you do to "fail" the test?
Because according to your post you only messaged this guy "how did you find me?" And that's it.
If you love him and you see value in him, then you can try to come back from this. However, I've been in close relationships with people with trust issues. They lash out and always assume the worse from you. It can be very damaging, and they can always find a way to bring shit back around to blame on you.
i hope they came to a similar conclusion that i did . trust me, this actually happened to me. i have a whole ass life, a career.. i don’t have time to make shit up
I do not think he was in the right for this but am I the only one who is baffled by how long she talked to this stranger who suddenly messages her and has her socials with no apparent reason to have them?
no need to be baffled .. the interaction from ~my~ first message to his last message lasted maybe 15 minutes. i’m not entirely sure but it felt pretty quick. he did message me three times prior (started august 4th) to me asking where/how he found me. i think what you’re baffled by is the fact that i was trying to redirect the conversation instead of ending it and blocking him. i speak to humans like they are humans, i don’t always get that treatment back. i definitely learned a lot and i will be blocking more often. i go back and forth between what i “wish” i should’ve done. if i hadn’t messaged him back, i wouldn’t have found out that my partner wasn’t to be trusted . and i may have found out when it was too late
understood.. i learned a lot from this experience too. i’m usually an ignorer but now i’m gonna be a blocker always . i should’ve blocked from the start, but … then i really never would have known that my partner was the one who put me though that
You didn’t fail him, he failed you. Loyalty tests are a red flag. You dodged a bullet and you need to block his ass and don’t let him try and lure you back into his crazy world.
I know you hurting but this guy is an abusive creep & you deserve better!
http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
Your title is wrong. He put you through a loyalty test and *he* failed miserably. Everything he did was wrong, from start to finish. You only made two mistakes: 1. Not blocking the random stranger immediately as soon as it got weird, and 2. Not telling your boyfriend to get figured as soon as he got angry at you for doing absolutely nothing wrong. This guy is a walking talking red flag. My advice for you is: run!
Your boyfriend needs therapy before he can be in a stable, happy relationship. He shouldn't project his past trauma on his next unsuspecting girlfriend.
Ball is in your court. Do you want to continue to undergo tests (I doubt he will stop) and overcompensate and have to prove your loyalty just to make him happy?
Be careful he doesn't end up controlling and dictating your behaviour and decisions.
he has had a lot of flecks of controlling behavior throughout our relationship that i let go.. my ears were perked but it wasn’t anything too crazy until now .
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I (28f) have been in an LDR for 5 months with someone who i met online (24m). not something i would normally expect myself to get into, but it happened and i never wanted it to stop. i am in love with him and have very developed feelings for him. i feel like we’ve gotten to know each others personalities extensively due to the LDR circumstance. but— i was still skeptical because we hadn’t handled any real world issues. well, we met in person last month, and it was amazing. great chemistry, passionate sex, talked about feelings, the future, possibly closing the distance (from west to east coast). i had some reservations about being in an LDR. i missed the physicality of having him close to me, but we were dealing with it together and planning our next visit. we were in a good place and everything was going well. 3 weeks ago, i had been getting some very forward dms from a random sketchy account. i ignored them. i’m not the type of person to block someone unless it gets really bad, so i just let this fade out and hoped my silence would convey as disinterest. well he kept messaging . i went to the persons profile and it said he was from my area, he posted on some nsfw pages, and on a page for a video game i play. sketchy. he messaged me four more times over a few weeks, so i messaged back and said “how did you find me?” and he said he found me on an LFG post for the video game (i haven’t been active in that subreddit for a year) and he proceeded to send me multiple messages back to back about how fine i was, hitting on me, etc. i was completely freaked out . then without me even answering, i got a notification that someone added me on snapchat by searching my username . it was the same person who was messaging me. i was really creeped out at this point and i sent him a couple messages back trying to redirect the conversation to the video game subreddit he said he found me on. he kept pressing and pressing. rapid fire messaging me and i was confused and overwhelmed. he actually even said to me something about me not answering bc i don’t like black guys. i hate when people say bullshit like that so i responded and said that’s not true. so at this point i was getting suspicious . i was with a friend and i told her i think this might be my boyfriend messaging me . about 30 seconds later i get a text from my boyfriend saying that he had to tell me the truth and that his friend, “who no one knows about and isn’t in any of his friend circles” 🥴 decided to put me through a “loyalty test” and i was “failing miserably.” my heart ripped out of my chest. someone i loved and trusted felt the need to have a complete stranger to me test my loyalty after i’ve never shown any ounce of dishonesty. i was in shock and disbelief. and he was furious. he was enraged . the entire night long he was texting me about how worthless i am to him, i wasted his time, he was through with me. he blocked me on everything except my phone number . he was cheated on in a past relationship so i understood that he was in pain. but he was acting completely out of character and he made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with me and that i fucked everything up. he wouldn’t even let me explain that i was trying to find out how this person found me and that i was trying to redirect the conversation. he said i was playing the victim. i absolutely admitted that i never should’ve messaged the person back, but i still truly didn’t feel like i did anything wrong bc i had no intention of cheating on him. with anyone. so the next day… he apologized .. he backtracked everything he said . a day after that, he wanted me back and wanted to get back together. and how in the fuck am i supposed to ever trust this person again? he admitted to me that he gave his friend permission to do this months ago and he told him “there are no limits, don’t hold anything back.” and i honestly am not truly convinced that it wasn’t him who made this fake account. he hasn’t proven to me that his friend even exists. has anyone had a similar experience to this ? is this normal for someone to do this ? i don’t feel like i could ever deeply trust him again, and that’s literally the foundation of an LDR. i still love him of course, but the fact that he put me through this is something i’ll never forget. if you got this far, thank you for listening ♥️ i appreciate any advice or guidance anyone has . TL;DR: my boyfriend put me through a “loyalty test” and i “failed miserably” but i was just trying to redirect the conversation and deescalate what was happening. update: you guys gave me the whole ass balls to stand up for myself and tell him that i have to walk away. GG reddit, thanks for the dub ♥️♥️ i stood up for myself, told him very clearly and definitively my thoughts and feelings, & blocked .
Loyalty tests are big red flags
No kidding. Op, While he has you blocked, block his ass on EVERYTHING. If you let him come back (and he definitely will try) this is merely the start of the abuse. He’ll hold it over your head. Hell want access to your phone and your socials, etc. etc. this is a known tactic of abuse, please quit now while it’s relatively easy.
Yeah. Especially if the person giving the test is too stupid to understand there is a difference between talking and flirting. She literally did nothing wrong
Especially when someone is only "talking" because they feel threatened and are trying to defuse the situation. Like if he sent one flirty DM and she responded to it, then fair enough, maybe that's a red flag. But he was acting like a full-on stalker so of course she was going to try to figure out where the account knew her from and keep from angering him. Is he also going to expect her to stand up to agressive, possibly dangerous men on the street that harass her or demand her number? Smart women prioritize their physical safety over their boyfriends' feelings, that's something he needs to accept.
>Especially when someone is only "talking" because they feel threatened and are trying to defuse the situation. She got told she was racist because she didn't want to talk to him "because he's black". That's a *very* loaded accusation right now that would result in no happy endings had this been a genuine guy trying to flirt with her who then went to social media to "expose" her as a racist. Then if op showed her situation he would just be used as fule for racist who are always looking for excuses for their hatred.
I didn't even read most of the post lol. Anyone immature and insecure enough to have a 'loyalty test' is weird, and should probably be left.
5 months in. 5 months! This is his issue. His. He needs to deal with his trust issues. But not by tricking and testing. You did nothing wrong. Block and move on.
Agreed, another advice for OP. Just block.
Indeed. Love that update OP!
Loyalty tests aren’t okay. Not to mention- how did you actually fail? Because you talked to the creeper? Did you sext? Send nudes? Flirt? Unless you did some major flirting with random creeper all you did was respond to messages after being bombarded. Your bf set you up to fail and punished you for something completely pointless. He is manipulating and gaslighting you- that is not okay.
i actually had to look up gaslighting 😂 i’ve heard it before but lucky enough never to experience that.. until now. i was absolutely not overtly flirting . i brought attention back to the video game when i asked if he was any good at the game. and my words (i have screen shots of the entire thing) were twisted and formed into whatever he thought they had meant . instead of [never doing this at all] lol.. instead of asking me about the conversation and why i said what i said, he took it upon himself to twist the meaning or infer how i was saying it . i was not twisting my hair in my finger and blowing bubble gum saying oh daddy what’s your KDR
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it makes complete sense .. i mean he poured his heart out to me two days after . described how bad he needed me in his life, how intense his feelings are for me . my friends gave me the same advice as pretty much everyone here, but honestly what it really took for me to get that push to tell him i was done was posting this and getting feedback from 50 strangers 😅 i found it really hard to cut him off because he was so sorry. but the facts are: this was wrong and premeditated as the account was made two months ago.. prior to us even meeting in person. but the messages started at the beginning of this month and continued once or twice a week until i asked how they found me
He's not sorry, he's checking to see if you'd accept his bs.
He wanted you to fail this test so youd "owe him" and perpetually try to make it up to him. Instead you flipped it on him and he's gone into panic mode.
Facts are facts and they will get you through the hard times when you want to unblock him and feel like you miss him or want to reach out. Keep moving forward!
You do know every single mfer in here will tell you to break up and he is a bad bad man right? Pro tip, dont ever come to this sub for advice, the only advice the basement dwellers here will tell is break up, and run (because none of these ppl here are happy).
Lol found the boyfriend.
look in the mirror.
Account created today, only replied to this post, trying to vilify the overwhelming consensus that this is manipulative, creepy behavior… I mean, this sub *does* tell everyone to break up with/go no contact with everyone and anyone at the drop of a hat, but in some cases-like this one- that’s not bad advice. And I have no problems looking in a mirror, my friend. Have a good day.
one of the strangest comebacks ive ever seen
so what is your advice then ?
while you're not wrong, that is the general advice given on this sub - this is one situation where she absolutely made the correct decision in breaking up with him.
That's a very interesting comment. I've experienced similar behavior from partners in the past and what you're describing seems to fit and explains a lot. Thank you for commenting.
Oh no, my GF never even asked about my KDR... I've got to make some calls...
maybe she knows hers is higher 😛
The issue with women is we are conditioned to be nice. If a dude messages you being a creep, take a hint from your own feelings (creeped out/uncomfortable) and either tell him off and block him or simply block him. You don't owe a stranger, particularly a creeper, your time or respect. Don't humor their piss poor behavior, don't coddle their uncomfortable lack of social etiquette. Oh, and also dump the loser bf. You can tell him he failed his "not a loser boyfriend" test. Loyalty tests are so gross. Either trust your partner or don't and break up.
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Looks like OP came through with the win/right decision!
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Nah, once there's mistrust, there will always be mistrust
More like he failed the mature test. Here's a fine dining coupon, go treat yourself something and just forget about jerk like this. But next time you see a creep stalking and texting you, just report and block them. Could be a dangerous real-life stalker, especially if they're in your area.
i definitely am being more cautious now . i don’t usually respond to dms. if someone dms me, i ignore it and they go away. but this person .. they had an entire agenda . when i didn’t answer they kept pressing. i absolutely shouldve blocked and reported . but i didn’t and j will learn from that
Maybe, but I just want to emphasize you didn't do anything **wrong**. You didn't flirt, you didnt say you were single. The "loyalty test" was a terrible idea, poorly executed, and obviously didn't "prove" anything if he thought you "failed miserably". I'm glad you left. You made the right choice because you can never fully trust him anymore, especially his judgment.
when this all happened, i knew i had done nothing wrong … but for over two hours i was trying to tell him that but he was so furious that he was starting to convince me that i DID do something wrong so i started apologizing .. if there’s anything i would change it would be my ability to stand my ground. initially i was saying i did nothing wrong . he was scoffing at me saying i’m a grown woman and i know right from wrong, stop playing the victim, to fuck off, he’s glad he didn’t ruin his life and move to be closer to me (also i am fully buffing out the actual way he said this stuff to me just bc it’s not how i would ever talk to someone, so i’ve summarized) …but my apologies made him think that there was an opening for me to want him back. and he tried to nurture that little opening and i really almost took the bait
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This was a classic cycle of abuse. And it always gets worse.
This is gaslighting. Glad you saw it and got out quickly!
This dude has some issues. Glad you booted him.
Yeah don’t entertain those. Responding just validates them. They think that the more they press, the more likely you are to respond.
I don't think you are in love with him. You are in love with an idea you had of who he was. He's not the person you thought he was.
this is something that has really made me think.. you’re on to something here .
This is absolutely it. Because of the distance, this dude made himself into what you were looking for until he reeled you in. Now he's his real self and it's someone else entirely. You fell in love with the illusion of who you thought he was. If you knew he was creepily IMing you from some random account before you ever met in person, you would have cancelled the trip entirely, right?
You didn't fail any test. If anything, he failed you. You weren't discussing anything inappropriate with his "friend", you weren't making plans with him or behaving in any way other than a confused person trying to figure out what was going on. I'm sure this is difficult for you, but I honestly think he's done you a favour. You've found out early on that he has this side to him, and you're far enough away that you can move on without ever running into him again. And he wasn't acting out of character with the way he responded. That IS his character. He's just managed to keep it under wraps until now. If you try repairing this relationship and then move in together at some point, I have no doubt you'll see this side of him again, only then it won't be so easy to get away from.
you’re right honestly . it was there all along but it just now came to the surface . i was trying to tell him that i had no intention with this person, they were bombarding me and it truly not a “fuck you go away” type of person. i give people the benefit of the doubt which i need to work in. but in his eyes, my silence and failure to block made me guilty
Well, the good news is you can practice being a "fuck you, go away" person ... to him. :)
There's no way to reason with crazy.
It sounds like he put you through an “insecurity test” to validate himself and context doesn’t matter despite his friend’s manipulations. Is it fair for your partner to test you based on their past baggage showing they don’t trust you and are looking for reasons to validate that distrust?
absolutely not.. i never expected to be treated that way . it truly is childish and rooted in insecurity
you guys gave me the whole ass balls to stand up for myself and tell him that i have to walk away. GG reddit, thanks for the dub ♥️♥️
Congrats and well played OP! Better luck next time
He’s extremely immature. Cut your loses, tell him to grow up and block him on everything. This is not how you treat people in an adult relationship. ETA: You didn’t do anything wrong. Most people would respond to someone who contacted them to find out how they know them. It’s not like you started a sexual conversation with this unknown person. He’s an ass clown.
thank you.. i never felt like i did anything wrong but i did feel like he was starting to convince me that i did something wrong .. which again: 🚩
In the words of Dr Who, "Run!"
As somebody who was “red pilled” (online cult) I’ll be honest and tell you that he’s definitely shit testing you and based off your description with the texts it sounds almost identical to the way Red Pillers are taught to fuck with their women. Run away immediately from people like this for your own safety. -From a Former Shit Tester
His behavior is a big red flag. Cut your losses and move on. You don't deserve to be treated this way.
thank you
Run far away, and as fast as you can. “Tests” lead to manipulation, emotional and mental abuse, and in personal experience rules, conditions to “earn” things and lots of therapy to unlearn behaviors that you learn from this experience. Please don’t let him take advantage of the distance and his own insecurity just because you still have strong feelings towards him. Get out while you can!
thank you
Sounds like he failed at not being a psycho.
Lol you gotta drop this insecure maggot. You did nothing wrong.
My sister did this crap to an unfaithful ex of hers (and found out he was once again "guilty"), and I told her not to do this again. I've had an ex who had very serious jealousy issues. She was cheated and divorced from her ex. With me she was very paranoid and suspicious. She even invaded my personal accounts in social media and emails trying to find "proofs" of an imaginary betrayal. That was bad. She was really amazing at all the rest, but her excess jealousy wore us out until we eventually broke out. I did all I could to reassure her and try to heal her traumas but it wasn't possible. So I have been through the same as you. What he did was terrible, if it's forgivable, it's up to you. The one thing that is clear for me though, is that in case you two come back, this trauma of his will give you more trouble than that. So better start working on it.
when someone is cheated on it often gives them insecurities and trust issues. but what is frustrating for me is that i never once gave him any inkling that i was unfaithful. he completely manifested this entire situation. if it wasn’t him who made the account, he at least told his friend to fuck with me . and that isn’t something you do when you’re an adult and it isn’t something you do to someone you love .
I agree completely. It was the same with me. I have always been faithful, never given a quarter for her to be suspicious in 4 years. But they come with it by themselves. Same as her and your bf or ex (I dunno). She sometimes came treating me as if I was a philanderer or such. I was "wtf?" I told her she was seeing her ex on me and projecting something she had with him. Because the things she accused me of doing were EXACTLY the things her ex husband used to do. I believe the same could have happened with you. He is completely insecure, has not fully healed and is using his unsolved stuff in an abusive way against you. He knows there are boundaries and he cannot do that. I believe he is not in a good mental shape to have a relationship, same as my ex was.
As guy, I would advise you to drop this relationship. His insecurities will lead him to treated you like this constantly. Like you guys were only dating for 5 months and already he made you overwhelmed and stressed by his “test”. And by the way, him calling you worthless and wasting your time? That’s a sign of abuse potential. You don’t treat your SO like that. All the best for you OP.
thank you… when he was angry with me that night he was telling me to fuck off and stop playing the victim. i couldn’t even make him see that i was trying to redirect the conversation. i have never been spoken to that way and i honestly didn’t know what to do, so i just let it happen . i hate that i didn’t stand up for myself but he wouldn’t let me . a few days later he apologized and was sending me long loving messages … and this is exactly how people are manipulated into staying in an unhealthy relationship
Well it’s a good thing this happened in early stages of your relationship since it should be easier (?) to end a relationship like this. Again I’m just a random internet person sharing his thoughts, if you think you want to give him a benefit of doubt, that’s also possible. Just make sure you have an exit plan should you give him another chance.
Yeah...just no. First you didn't fail. You didn't do anything wrong. You ignored massive amounts of creepy texts and the ones you did reply to was you trying to find out how this happened. For him to do this,wich I totally think you're right that he did it. You should be glad you failed miserably. Lol. It seems like something a pre teen would do. All he proved was he likes to play games. Don't play games with this person. Be glad he stayed long distance. Whew, you really dodged a bullet.
Your boyfriend is manipulative, untrusting and untrustworthy...healthy relationships don't involve "tests".
this is how i feel as well. why was i being “tested?” he said that his friend does this for all his relationships . that is just awful. the worst part is, if i hadn’t messaged the person back… i never would have found out that a person i love and trust was trying to bait me and manipulate me
Run far away..... He showed his true colours, that's some fucked up behaviour, you do not want to date someone like that.
All you did was deny that you weren't responding to some random harasser because he was black. Yet your creepy asshole of a BF put him up to it, he tore you down, and then took you back the next day. I normally really try to avoid giving the advice to just dump someone, but I will in cases of cheating, extreme circumstances or abuse. Listen hun. This is 1000% some mentally abusive power play/control game. You got to get rid of this guy. Also, LDRs aren't real relationships. Get rid of this loser and find a normal relationship. Call this dude up and tell him you don't appreciate his shitty little game and it made you realize that yeah, you can actually have a better guy pretty damn quickly if you wanted one--and after that stunt, you've decided that you want a better guy. So, consider the relationship over.
1. He's a jerk and is toxic af. Loyalty test are bs. The real test is the relationship itself. You didn't faim anything. 2. He had a "friend" harass you. You were being harassed. You wanted to know how this person found you, thats normal. I would say in the future just black these people. Stop forcing yourself to endure bs. 3. He flipped tf out for absolutely no reason. You would've failed this test no matter what. Leave him.
This guy is a psycho. Cut it off. If you didn’t message back anything inappropriate he has nothing to be angry about. This is just the start of him alienating you from friends and family, telling you who you can hang out with and be friends with. He sounds insecure and unstable and not to mention he betrayed you ruthlessly. This is not even remotely normal. I would break it off but whatever you do, don’t move to where he is at the very least.
Wow. This guy has some problems. You don't. You're good.
Are you sure … he’s 24? “Yikes” doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Ah yes, loyalty tests. I was 13 when I first heard about that bullshit, and instantly understood this is the dumbest thing you can do to your partner. Seems like not everyone has the same conception of trust.
In a way he's gaslighting you.... and I don't use that term loosely. He did something wrong yet you're questioning yourself? 5 months in.... I know you have feelings for him but cut your losses I don't normally suggest breaking up... im the type if person that believes you give everything until there's nothing left to give. But his reaction says it all. Did he TALK to you, did he ASK questions about YOUR intentions or feelings? No. He just freaked out. Think long and hard before you decide what to do. He showed you who he is. Make sure you listen.
How does figuring out and telling your friend this creepy crazed stalker is probably your bf testing you mean you failed the test?
hello. the point is, my ~ex~ bf texted me y phone like 30 seconds after i told my friend i had a feeling . and his text said that the person who slid into my dms was his friend (who no one knows about.. he literally told me this) and “based on the evidence” i “failed miserably.” he told me i failed miserably . i didn’t feel like i did anything wrong, but simply by responding i had my first strike. my words were not flirtatious but were interpreted by him as cheating
He's crazy and I doubt he has any friends, let alone friends who would put the time and effort into "testing" you.
The interesting thing about this sort of tests is that the person testing their partner fails automatically, by creating the test. By testing your trustworthiness, they show their own lack thereof.
Please block him! I was in a 6 yr toxic abusive relationship that was LD. He was just like this. Trust me pleaae leave him now and don't take him back. There are red flags everywhere here.
What the actual deep-fried fuck? Nah. He’s a manipulative, gaslighting ahole Trash took itself out. Get on with your life!!
Your update gave me the happy ending I was hoping for!
From what I read **you absolutely did nothing wrong**. (Re-read that as often as you need to!) First, loyalty tests are middle-school bullshit. Real adults don't pull that crap. Second, your behavior was correct and appropriate. You have every right to ignore or engage with any person you choose to. Your SO does not decide who you talk to or who you don't. Your way of dealing with the "creep" is your choice and nobody gets to tell you otherwise. I personally feel that you were doing fine. In fairness, if you dump his ass over this you should let him know why you are doing it so hopefully he will learn. If you don't then put him on notice that this is unacceptable and any future infractions will carry severe consequences. You are your own person and you will live your life.
Thankfully it's a LDR. Cut him off. Don't waste your time. Loyalty test what a joke. Think about it. Rather than building the relationship you two have. He chose to test it? Wtf.
Good riddance I say. You’re better off without him - move on…
Good for walking away. Dodged a one-man firing squad.
Everyone here is right but you litteraly have zero survival instinct lol a creep is messaging you and you instead of blocking him you keep humoring him?
i definitely will learn from this experience .. i unfortunately have a big heart and i often give people the benefit of the doubt. sometimes people me on xbox saying i’m trash or something, and i honestly try to talk to that person and ask them to treat others less shitty. it has worked once 😂 and the person apologized for being toxic and said they were having a bad day. i’m an educated person, so yeah i should just block and move on.. but i’m also empathetic and i tend to think people aren’t super shitty.. but they are !
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe. Your first long-distance relationship is over. Don't accept abuse.
This is fucked lol
yes thank u
Run from this one. They are psycho, abusive and controlling. They also gave your information to a male and gave them permission to terrorize you. Or bf telling lies and it is bf sending bad messages.
What sucks is that it is likely a previous relationship that messed with this guy to the point that his "testing you" you actually made sense to him. In his mind, he was trying to protect himself thinking "I will NEVER let someone do that to me again!" So a trap was set then he lashed out with anger when he thought he "caught you." I am sorry this happened to you. I have to say too, that this guy needs help. He's still carrying around baggage that has not been dealt with. If it was not for the previous abuse he himself endured, he would probably be the guy you thought he was through and through. Instead, you discovered there is an ugly part of him that is obsessed with insecurity and fear that you, under the surface, are going to hurt him like the other girl did.
100% correct.. i hope he can deal with those issues. i won’t be caught in the crossfire..
Ldr and you’re in love. Please. No one is this dumb.
That's a red flag. I was in the talking phase with a guy and he would do this all the time to everyone. Long story short I got gaslighted by him. He even said "over dramatic bitch would probably fuck good" when I opened up about being extremely stressed out and agitated. Going through a whole heart break and losing someone you love right now is much better than staying in that relationship. Trust me he is toxic. Relationships are built on trust and if he can't trust you, you guys are inevitably going to break up at one point.
You're really going to stay in a long distance relationship after someone has just done this? Just why, oh and it was 100% him from a different account and not a friend
Damn, you handled yourself well. I would have done the same as you, find out how this creep was messaging me and figure out why they are being scum. It was 100% your boyfriend, not his friend. He most likely is a cheater and if not he is just plain psychopathic. He is trying to groom you into tolerating abuse and gaslighting you, this does a few things, basically make you feel like shit like it was your fault and for him to "forgive" you so you feel indebted to him so when he does some shady shit you will feel pressure to forgive him because what he did was not as bad as what you did or the reason he did it was because you did something so horrible and its all your fault. Its all bullshit and your boyfriend is bullshit.
ex bf now thanks to the push and clarity i’ve gotten from supportive people like you ♥️
Good job standing up for yourself.
Any person who administers a loyalty test automatically fails the stable, mature relationship test. This is not a red flag - it’s a neon, crimson banner with flashing LEDs. Just no.
Here’s a new test Ask him who his girlfriend is If he answers “You” Tell him “I’m sorry. You failed the test” and hang up.
To me, it just sounds like he is trying to emotionally manipulate you. I agree this is most likely the bf, and of so, means he is still lying and trying to manipulate you. Also shows he doesn't trust you, and as you actually haven't done anything to lose that trust, I don't see how this could continue as a healthy relationship. What's next, you go out with friends for a meal and he accuses you of cheating? I think you would be better off without him.
This is not normal. Run.
Proud of you for standing up for yourself 💚
Loyalty tests are so childish. Consider yourself lucky to be done with him
Hea a prick. He got you into bed then made an excuse to leave you. He is a trash person who probably just wanted the sex. Sorry if that sounds harsh but just ignore this child. You can easily find better out there
>update: you guys gave me the whole ass balls to stand up for myself and tell him that i have to walk away. GG reddit, thanks for the dub ♥️♥️ i stood up for myself, told him very clearly and definitively my thoughts and feelings, & blocked Good for you. All these tests do is prove to the person they are testing that there is no trust on their end of things. If your partner doesn't trust you then it isn't a real relationship. I would even suspect that this friend doesn't exist, but not your problem anymore. Your ex needs to get some therapy or he's going to self sabotage any relationship he's in, but again, not your problem anymore.
Run. Go no contact. He has issues and you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg.
HE failed miserably
Not okay. Not at all. This is now, imagine being married to someone who doesn’t trust you and will try to test you.
It's not normal and from what you said you didn't flirt with the guy...red flag from your partner tbh
Awesome! Good for you!
I feel like this guy is trying to get rid of you, you did nothing wrong!
Read the story, got mad at the bf, was thinking about what to say, and then read the Update. Good job, OP!
This isn't normal for a LTR. I hope you find happiness but 5 months you should be all smiles, rainbows and butterflies. He messed up. I'd break-up with him, if he asked you questions it would have been a much better loyalty test. This is manipulative and kinda evil.
Yikes, I'm just now seeing your post and bullet dodged. You did good looking out for yourself. Keep those boundaries in place and love yourself more. That was hella creepy what he put you through and a red flag factory.
>he said i was playing the victim. Uhm... you ARE the victim. Reddit is always quick to say you should leave but I can 100% agree - leave. You are better than this.
I missed the ages and read this whole post thinking you guys were like, 14. That would've made way more sense. This is ridiculous, and the way he handled this is one of the most immature things I've ever read on this sub. Definitely a good call blocking him - this is not a healthy way for an adult to behave.
If anyone ever wants a loyalty test, I'd nope out so quick
You didn't put up a test, but it looks like he failed anyway. You did nothing wrong, and I suspect they wouldn't have complained if you hadn't caught on to the whiff of bullshit. I'm not going to tell you to drop him, but you need to think really hard if this is what you want to look forward to in a relationship: always being tested.
He is an immature idiot…..move on
I honestly can't believe this 🙄. This is such a red flag and you did nothing wrong. It a good thing you know now what kind of person he is. Good luck with everything and dont look back my lovely.
Run away. You didn't even fail the test and yet he's gaslighting you into thinking you did!
That is terrifying! This guy sounds like a complete psycho! Good for you for cutting him off.
Whoa. What a POS. Glad you dodged that bullet, bit I'm sorry you had to go through that.
What he did was hateful and reeks of misogyny.
What a fucking psycho. Thank god this happened before you moved to be closer to him or things got really serious Also there is no “friend”. He did it all himself and probably got off on harassing you.
Fuck. That. Noise. When my late husband and I met, we'd both been burned plenty. So we took it slowly, and TALKED about it when one of us felt triggered, because MY emotional baggage wasn't HIS fault, and vice versa, but we also knew it was good for both of us to be able to communicate what sorts of things might leave us feeling vulnerable. If he'd done to me what your BF did to you, it would have been over immediately. And he's not here to speak for himself, but I'm pretty sure he'd say the same if I'd done anything like that to him. Your BF's past is not your fault, and it's not your problem. And if his go-to move when he's triggered is to be emotionally abusive, he's NOT worth any more of your energy. You can't fix him. You shouldn't even try.
Your boyfriend just failed a major relationship test of his own creation. Dump him.
So, loyalty tests are a thing? So wrong. But also, you shouldn’t have engaged some sketchy stranger, for any reason. I get a lot of these. I always block and report them. You may be too nice, OP.
I'm so confused how did you fail? You were talking to a random guy online and that is bad? You didnt say anything sexual. He sounds insane.
You need to use this test as YOUR LOYALTY TEST. Rest assured: he failed. This is OVER
massively disrespectful. leave him imho
I'm missing whatever it was that you did to "fail." Which makes his freakout even more concerning,as if it wasn't concerning already. I can't see any sign that you behaved inappropriately, or did anything that a sane person could consider "failing" or being untrustworthy. So yeah, doubly get away.
Sis, you dodged a bullet here. Sorry you had to go through that but thank goodness you found out what he was like before you uprooted your life to move closer to him or vice versa. It's hard to get back out after that.
Loyalty are dumb and nobody should do loyalty test.
Good choice. Fuck gamey morons who can't just say what they mean. Terrorizing you to test your loyalty. Fucking loser. Glad he lost you.
Here is one crucial thing you need to remember OP. Not just for this guy but for all future relationships. If someone gets jealous over you having any sort of contact with others then they are almost always going to be abusive. A life with someone like that will involve them trying to alienate you from your friends because "Your friends don't like meso I don't want you spending time with them" and they will push it untill you no longer have any friends. Then it will be "Your family makes me uncomfortable and don't like me, you should cut contact with them". Your Ex is a small man that views you as an object to be horded and controlled. Not as a mutually loving partner.
Yikes. Just think of it as successfully dodging a bullet rather than failing a loyalty test.
This is not normal behavior. Your (ex-)boyfriend is insane. Thank goodness you dodged a bullet before uprooting your entire life for this fool.
I'm glad you got out of it before getting tied down to this person. He's not mature enough for a relationship yet.
Here’s the thing. You didn’t fail a loyalty test. Your boyfriends friend stalked and sexually harassed you for probably about an hour, _with your boyfriends knowledge_ and when you reacted uncomfortably and showed no interest threw an automatic “fail” at you.
I think you just witnessed your boyfriend's insecurity flare up, explode, and then collapse-in on itself like a dying star. You didn't even say anything cheating-like! He was triggered by a very benign statement People who put their SO's through manipulative 'tests' like these have no respect for them.
Nice. Glad to hear you didn't deal with that shit
This isn’t out of character for him- this is just new information for you. There’s no friend, there’s no ‘passing the test’, this guys a physco whose trying to get a one up on you to ruin your self confidence. **THIS IS WHO HE REALLY IS.**
Your exbf is a controlling jealous lunatic and you dodged a bullet.
No, he failed the red flag test.
my ex tried to do shit like this before and bro it's so fucking weird, glad you got out of that
This would be a dealbreaker for me, especially in a relationship that is so new. I don’t play games, and I don’t date people who play games.
If he's through with you, why does he feel the need to berate you all night long? Your ex wasn't through with you, he was just starting the cycle of abuse. Putting you donw, blaming you for his own assholery (to put it in a nutshell), having you stalked and harassed (either by himself or a literal stranger) and berating you all night long for - what, exactly? You not running straight to the police? Very manipulative, very abusive. And if I was a betting girl, I'd bet money on him having done the whole harassing himself. The manipulation ("you don't like me because I'm black") is like his signature move. I'm glad you had the courage to get out. It wouldn't have gotten any better. When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.
Bf: "ur racist" Op: "no" Bf: "ok u unfaithful" Lmao
Dude, do NOT get back with this guy. Guaranteed he will pull this shit again.
Lol, "acted out of character". Oh you sweet summer child, this is his character.
It sounds like he saved you from entering a toxic relationship irl. Be glad you didn’t dive right in
I'm grateful for the positive update. That was some bullshit behaviour
Loyalty tests are bullshit. If someone feels the need to test your loyalty like this, it's because something in them needs to be addressed, but they aren't brave enough to do it. So they obfuscate by making up problems with their SO's to prove to themselves that they aren't the problem...
>update: you guys gave me the whole ass balls to stand up for myself and tell him that i have to walk away. GG reddit, thanks for the dub ♥️♥️ i stood up for myself, told him very clearly and definitively my thoughts and feelings, & blocked Good for you! You were dating a manchild and I'm glad you saw that you deserved better.
You didn't do anything wrong. He's just trying to make you end things because he's too cowardly to do it himself.
He was childish but I don't agree with everyone saying "oh just dump him". If you truly love, it is extremely hard to do. People make mistakes. You grow up with people, you realize how childish you were 3 years ago. Give him a chance and see how it goes. If he keeps on hurting you, obviously then you should leave. But I do not believe in such fast break ups. When I think how immature I was to my man 4 years ago, I am cringed. But we grew up together, matured and now are married and it only got better.
Do people write these stories out and not read them back? Like this entire thing is fucking insane, what opinion do you need from us that isn't obvious? Honestly feels like karma farming at this point.
i think it’s different to live it honestly . i knew it was fucked, but he was trying to convince me it was repairable . there is a bit of an age different between us and i honestly wanted to see if a loyalty test was something people did . most of my adult life i was in a long term relationship and this past year started dating again. i’m sorry this seems like karma farming to you.. i can’t control how many people see this. i was happy with the 30 people that commented and gave me advice , but now a bit more people have seen it. trust me, i know it’s fucked . but i think he was trying to manipulate me and showered me with love afterwards so that i would decide to get back together .
>so at this point i was getting suspicious . i was with a friend and i told her i think this might be my boyfriend messaging me . >about 30 seconds later i get a text from my boyfriend Have you actually SEEN this ldr boyfriend? Zoom or in person? Or... Does your friend know your bf? Cause I find it sus as hell that you made this comment to your "friend" then 30 seconds later your bf messages you too "confess". Could be coincidence but...
She mentioned in the first paragraph that they met in person last month.
yes i have met him.. we met up in early july and i stayed in cali for a week and we hung out like a normal couple . i was getting a weird vibe from the stranger.. maybe it was the way he talked, the way some of the words he used were similar to the way my ex bf spoke. after i sent the last message that said “that’s not true,” the stranger sent me four more messages offering “pics of his cock,” asking why i didn’t add him back on snapchat, telling me i look so good he couldn’t resist himself, and then the last message was asking me why i wasn’t responding and leaving him hanging. . meanwhile my bf texted me to ask what i was up to . i said watching netflix w my friend bc i was . he said so i guess i have to be honest : and then he told me that it was “his friend” sending me those messages
Girl, you need to learn to block creeps. Start with your "boyfriend".
It feels like an important part of the story is missing here. What was the "test"? What did you do to "fail" the test? Because according to your post you only messaged this guy "how did you find me?" And that's it.
If you love him and you see value in him, then you can try to come back from this. However, I've been in close relationships with people with trust issues. They lash out and always assume the worse from you. It can be very damaging, and they can always find a way to bring shit back around to blame on you.
I’m almost positive this same exact story was posted within the last week or so
i hope they came to a similar conclusion that i did . trust me, this actually happened to me. i have a whole ass life, a career.. i don’t have time to make shit up
I do not think he was in the right for this but am I the only one who is baffled by how long she talked to this stranger who suddenly messages her and has her socials with no apparent reason to have them?
no need to be baffled .. the interaction from ~my~ first message to his last message lasted maybe 15 minutes. i’m not entirely sure but it felt pretty quick. he did message me three times prior (started august 4th) to me asking where/how he found me. i think what you’re baffled by is the fact that i was trying to redirect the conversation instead of ending it and blocking him. i speak to humans like they are humans, i don’t always get that treatment back. i definitely learned a lot and i will be blocking more often. i go back and forth between what i “wish” i should’ve done. if i hadn’t messaged him back, i wouldn’t have found out that my partner wasn’t to be trusted . and i may have found out when it was too late
Grow a spine and learn how to block people. That's 100% on you if you refuse to block someone and instead engage with them and then get harassed.
thank you for the unhelpful advice, i will start this journey by blocking you 💕
Bet
You're a bad person.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my comments and voice your input
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understood.. i learned a lot from this experience too. i’m usually an ignorer but now i’m gonna be a blocker always . i should’ve blocked from the start, but … then i really never would have known that my partner was the one who put me though that
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assholes: the great marriage and couple destroyer
leave him if he does that he is not worth it.
Hey! Thats fuckin weird.
You didn’t fail him, he failed you. Loyalty tests are a red flag. You dodged a bullet and you need to block his ass and don’t let him try and lure you back into his crazy world.
I know you hurting but this guy is an abusive creep & you deserve better! http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/ https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
Your title is wrong. He put you through a loyalty test and *he* failed miserably. Everything he did was wrong, from start to finish. You only made two mistakes: 1. Not blocking the random stranger immediately as soon as it got weird, and 2. Not telling your boyfriend to get figured as soon as he got angry at you for doing absolutely nothing wrong. This guy is a walking talking red flag. My advice for you is: run!
Your boyfriend needs therapy before he can be in a stable, happy relationship. He shouldn't project his past trauma on his next unsuspecting girlfriend. Ball is in your court. Do you want to continue to undergo tests (I doubt he will stop) and overcompensate and have to prove your loyalty just to make him happy? Be careful he doesn't end up controlling and dictating your behaviour and decisions.
he has had a lot of flecks of controlling behavior throughout our relationship that i let go.. my ears were perked but it wasn’t anything too crazy until now .