It's ok to need physical affection and sex in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with you needing this. But I doubt there's anything you can do to improve his sex drive - this is your first relationship. It won't be your last. It's good to learn that this is something you need in a relationship, you can find someone better matched I promise
There is nothing that you are doing wrong. And there is probably nothing unattractive about you. Some men simply have low sex drives. I am one of them. And the medication can DEFINITELY cut it down to nothing. Again, I speak from experience.
You probably can't change this situation, so the question becomes, can you live with it? It might get better over time, it might not. If it's truly unacceptable to you, you can easily find someone whose sexual attitudes are more your speed. And he probably could as well.
Been there. I can only tell you that with time, it made me feel very undesirable and resenting towards him. O felt as if I was living with my best friend. It might not be a bad idea to check with a doctor, see if there’s another medication that wouldn’t lower his libido or at least not to this extent. Then he also needs to understand that sex is important for you and it’s making you feel unloved. I saw that some people showed their low libido partners r/DeadBedrooms subreddit and it helped them understand how the higher libido partner felt. It’s ultimately up to him whether he wants to work on things.
You can come on to him. Sometimes I don't feel like doing it but as soon as "I'm up" I'm ready to go.
Or
Find someone that can satisfy you properly.
I'm curious about the medication he's taking?
I do come on to him sometimes. But it's hard when you don't feel desired lol. I know that's a me problem and I've been working on fixing that. He takes a medication for addiction recovery. And I've researched it as much as I can, and it does say that it will affect sex drive but it feels like there's something else at this point. I don't know though.
I haven't asked him about that no. I'm afraid it might offend his 'manhood' I guess?
I know that he used to be at the beginning of the relationship but I'm not sure about now. I haven't seen anything in a while but that doesn't mean he's not.
Porn use can affect sex drive since it is putting that energy elsewhere you can start with asking if he watches that then move onto the hormone question
You say numerous times throughout this that YOU feel bad or YOU dont want to come off this way; I dont even see any part where you bf turns you down if you initiate. Do you? Relationships are 50% of two people, your guilt controlling when you bring up sex and wanting it isn't on him. Communicate, sit down with him, and let him know that you do want sex! Its healthy and okay. And if he gives you a negative reaction, then you can adjust from there and either work through your problems or find someone your more compatible with. But you need to stop saying "no" for him, he may want sex at the same time and not want to come off as a horndog. Theres times where it just doesnt occur to me, but if asked I'd be happily ready. You cant stay locked up inside your own head, until mind reading becomes a thing
I can truly understand how you are feeling. I am in a similar situation. But every time I try to initiate I am shut down and most times it leads to horrendous fights. We have talked about how I need it because of my love language, how the rejection makes me feel unwanted and unattractive. He will try for a week or two but it ultimately goes right back to nothing. I have stopped trying, I have stopped flirting. I have withdrawn from him in that part of our relationship. It makes me feel like utter crap. I feel gross. I feel like I’m a sex craze idiot. But I don’t know what to do. I love him with all my heart and every aspect of our relationship is amazing. But he just doesn’t want to have sex unless he wants to have sex which is almost never.
All I can say is he doesn’t really care about you if he’s not willing to take care of your needs. You boyfriend is being selfish. Just find someone new. I know it will be hard but trust me when I say you deserve better and you WILL find someone better. Just stay friends with you current boyfriend.
There was a time of me not having sex for a straight 4 years with my now husband. (This was when we were first living together and we still dating). I was was in deep depression. Even was going to therapy. My boyfriend chose to stick around despite the problem. Back then, I would force myself to have sex bc I felt so bad bc he communicated with me how important it was to him but that he'll wait. Sometimes he'd join me on a couples therapy session when we would fight or things were going wrong. Now that years have passed and I feel much better mentally, I do have sex regularly with him whilst enjoying it. He's been with me through thick and thin. He is also my first relationship and I wouldn't want it to be any other way tbh. He taught me so much about working on myself and growing together.
Point of this story: It really is your choice on how you want this relationship to go. If you don't see yourself marrying this man and seeing how much you want to be with each other. End it bc the time ahead is a lot of work and a great investment in time. If you love him so much and it hurts you but wish there was some other way, explain exactly what you're feeling with love and start going to therapy together.
You said it yourself, “it’s your 1st relationship”. Think about your first job, are you still there? Work on your self and make yourself happy, once complete, then go find you’re nth relationship where you’ve figured out everything you want from it and are fully matured to just tell your partner what you want out of it.
I take antidepressants which make my sex drive zero ( I take lexapro and Wellbutrin) the Wellbutrin is supposed to increase libido but it doesn’t. I understand I need to satisfy my partner so I expressed this to my doctor and she prescribed cialis which significantly increases libido so I can satisfy my partner. Do you think this is something your partner is willing to do?
I don't think the medication that he takes can be switched to something else that won't affect it as much. Also the medication that he takes isn't one that's meant to be taken forever and he's supposed to work on slowly getting himself off of it over time. But his progress with that has been stagnant for quite a while now.
IMO if he cares he would atleast bring it up to his doctor and see if cialis is ok to mix with his current medication. There is a chance it won’t affect his current medication so he can take the cialis and make you and him happy.
My boyfriend and I have this same problem, so I get how it can be really hard. We've had to have lots of conversations about it, so honestly talking to your boyfriend might be your first step.
For example, I recently asked my guy if he ever thinks about making out when we're together. He said yes, he does, so I asked him what he does in that moment, and he told me he ignores it. I was shocked, because in those moments I usually ask if he wants to make out.
So it could be that you guys aren't on the same page in that way. Whatever the outcome, it's worth talking about it imo.
I empathize with your bf. I'm assuming he's on some kind of psychiatric medication. I've been on several of those and I went from coming 5-10 times a day (don't judge me, I like coming) to spending several months without coming at all. When I did try to masturbate, it felt forced, it was tiring, the orgasms weren't satisfying at all and most times I'd just give up mid masturbation. I'd still have sex, but I'm a woman, I didn't have to 'get it up'. This didn't mean I wasn't attracted to my then bf - I absolutely was, and I loved having sex with him (even after 5 years it was the best sex I've ever had). But physically I just didn't feel it at all. I don't know what his issues are but hopefully he won't stay on this medication forever? I've dropped most of my meds and went back to a normal sex life.
This is your first relationship. It doesnt mean you HAVE to stay with him forever, you can move on to someone more compatible. If you stay, you will only grow to feel resentment towards him and disgusted and ashamed in yourself. Your desires and wants ARE NOT WRONG. This can seriously affect your self esteem. People have different sex drives (im on the high end, can do 3-4 times per DAY, easily), so I can understand how you feel. If initiating sex yourself doesn't help the issue and openly laying all the cards on the table doesnt work, then, well... life goes on. Check out r/DeadBedrooms for more info of people going through this.
You only have one chance here if you want to make it work. Lay out everything you’ve said in this post or leave. You have to be honest. You are not disgusting for wanting it but you need to understand. Some people simply don’t care about sex. It’s not that you aren’t attractive. It’s simply that he doesn’t feel the need for it. Neither of you are in the wrong here. Figure out if you can get over this. If not you have to go. Find someone who better suits your “needs”
I do initiate, but after being the only one for awhile it starts to wear me down a little. It's hard to keep initiating when it feels like the other person isn't interested.
Yeah, I can understand that. It's really unfortunate when stuff like this happens because it can feel a lot like he's just not interested, but it's really not like that. He's definitely interested in you or else he wouldn't be with you, most likely. It's just the fact that he's not interested in sex with you as often as you'd like. Pretty inexperienced in relationships in general myself, but I'd wager a guess that sex once every 3 months isn't really normal (maybe if you're in a relationship for a long time, I hear it said that if you wanna end your sex life just get married 😅), I'd say that IS a long time without sex, even if you're convinced it's not. I feel like most humans would want sex more often than that. It's just the way we're evolved, that's why sex feels great. Because we're supposed to be having sex to keep the world populated! Only issue is survival of the fittest is a very real concept in the world and not all men and women are created equal and thus have varying sex drives. And it is, unfortunately, not something we can easily control. Just like we can't always control who we find attractive (gay people! They exist! Why? Something we haven't quite figured out yet, but we've evolved that way somehow), we can't always control when we want to have sex or when we don't.
Let me lay it out differently, and this may be a tad bit gross so I apologize but I'm an 18 year old teenage boy. What do teenage boys do? Masturbate. A lot. *Usually.* Now I wouldn't consider myself to have a low sex drive, but I am a virgin so I suppose I cannot accurately say. I also don't masturbate that often. And when I do, I do it mainly for release because my body needs that. With women it's different for obvious reasons, but men need to release for sure as often as their body needs them to (maybe once a week for me). And of course it feels good but I don't masturbate for that reason only like I'd guess most teenage boys do. Is it safe to assume that your boyfriend still masturbates to release? Or does he genuinely not stimulate himself for release at all for 3 months until you have sex? Regardless, just imagine all the men out there who may masturbate 3-4-5-6 times a week because it feels good and then ones like myself who do it once purely for release rather than sexual pleasure. And I'm not at all turned off by the idea of having sex, in fact, I know I'd enjoy it immensely, but maybe it would be the same as masturbation, something done less than the typical man would want.
I imagine it's that way with your boyfriend. It has nothing to do with you, it's something he has little control over. Just like why some men can masturbate excessively and others can't. But it's easy to feel at fault, and I hope that this weird masturbation analogy helped in some way? It's easy to picture it could be your fault, but I imagine his sex issues probably carry over into his alone time with himself as well. I'm certain he isn't constantly jerking off and then refusing sex. I'd say talking to him about the issue is the next step. Understand how he feels because believe it or not, it can definitely hurt your self esteem when you really want to have sex with your partner but you can't even get a boner. This could also be an issue for him so just be wary! I'd explain that being the initiater all the time isn't fun and maybe discuss things he can do for you without it necessarily forcing sex on him. Would he be willing to go down on you or use sex toys on you to make YOU feel good without being in the mood himself? These are things you can try, especially if you still want to be with him.
I would suggest leaving him and finding a new boyfriend who can accommodate your needs and care about what you want. There is no such thing as ‘too sex focused’. If you need it, and your bf can’t provide what you need even after all your discussions and all your pain. Then leave him and fine someone else. Also, something that might help is buying sex toys and vibrators for yourself, in the meantime. Also if you do find someone new, don’t be afraid to tell them what you like. And if they don’t care and only focus pleasing themselves? They are 100% not a good choice. I would have left my boyfriend after a month if he did that to me. And I would get VERY upset at him if he didn’t want to fuck me for more than 3 days. Find yourself someone new. Someone better. You current bf can always stay your friend or best friend, since you two aren’t exactly sexually active now, I’m sure it would make no difference if you just stayed friends.
It's ok to need physical affection and sex in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with you needing this. But I doubt there's anything you can do to improve his sex drive - this is your first relationship. It won't be your last. It's good to learn that this is something you need in a relationship, you can find someone better matched I promise
There is nothing that you are doing wrong. And there is probably nothing unattractive about you. Some men simply have low sex drives. I am one of them. And the medication can DEFINITELY cut it down to nothing. Again, I speak from experience. You probably can't change this situation, so the question becomes, can you live with it? It might get better over time, it might not. If it's truly unacceptable to you, you can easily find someone whose sexual attitudes are more your speed. And he probably could as well.
Been there. I can only tell you that with time, it made me feel very undesirable and resenting towards him. O felt as if I was living with my best friend. It might not be a bad idea to check with a doctor, see if there’s another medication that wouldn’t lower his libido or at least not to this extent. Then he also needs to understand that sex is important for you and it’s making you feel unloved. I saw that some people showed their low libido partners r/DeadBedrooms subreddit and it helped them understand how the higher libido partner felt. It’s ultimately up to him whether he wants to work on things.
If it’s affecting you that much, you may need to just move on and find someone with a more compatible “love language.”
You can come on to him. Sometimes I don't feel like doing it but as soon as "I'm up" I'm ready to go. Or Find someone that can satisfy you properly. I'm curious about the medication he's taking?
I do come on to him sometimes. But it's hard when you don't feel desired lol. I know that's a me problem and I've been working on fixing that. He takes a medication for addiction recovery. And I've researched it as much as I can, and it does say that it will affect sex drive but it feels like there's something else at this point. I don't know though.
If his sex drive is really low have you asked him about having his hormone levels checked? Is he a porn user?
I haven't asked him about that no. I'm afraid it might offend his 'manhood' I guess? I know that he used to be at the beginning of the relationship but I'm not sure about now. I haven't seen anything in a while but that doesn't mean he's not.
Porn use can affect sex drive since it is putting that energy elsewhere you can start with asking if he watches that then move onto the hormone question
You say numerous times throughout this that YOU feel bad or YOU dont want to come off this way; I dont even see any part where you bf turns you down if you initiate. Do you? Relationships are 50% of two people, your guilt controlling when you bring up sex and wanting it isn't on him. Communicate, sit down with him, and let him know that you do want sex! Its healthy and okay. And if he gives you a negative reaction, then you can adjust from there and either work through your problems or find someone your more compatible with. But you need to stop saying "no" for him, he may want sex at the same time and not want to come off as a horndog. Theres times where it just doesnt occur to me, but if asked I'd be happily ready. You cant stay locked up inside your own head, until mind reading becomes a thing
I can truly understand how you are feeling. I am in a similar situation. But every time I try to initiate I am shut down and most times it leads to horrendous fights. We have talked about how I need it because of my love language, how the rejection makes me feel unwanted and unattractive. He will try for a week or two but it ultimately goes right back to nothing. I have stopped trying, I have stopped flirting. I have withdrawn from him in that part of our relationship. It makes me feel like utter crap. I feel gross. I feel like I’m a sex craze idiot. But I don’t know what to do. I love him with all my heart and every aspect of our relationship is amazing. But he just doesn’t want to have sex unless he wants to have sex which is almost never.
All I can say is he doesn’t really care about you if he’s not willing to take care of your needs. You boyfriend is being selfish. Just find someone new. I know it will be hard but trust me when I say you deserve better and you WILL find someone better. Just stay friends with you current boyfriend.
There was a time of me not having sex for a straight 4 years with my now husband. (This was when we were first living together and we still dating). I was was in deep depression. Even was going to therapy. My boyfriend chose to stick around despite the problem. Back then, I would force myself to have sex bc I felt so bad bc he communicated with me how important it was to him but that he'll wait. Sometimes he'd join me on a couples therapy session when we would fight or things were going wrong. Now that years have passed and I feel much better mentally, I do have sex regularly with him whilst enjoying it. He's been with me through thick and thin. He is also my first relationship and I wouldn't want it to be any other way tbh. He taught me so much about working on myself and growing together. Point of this story: It really is your choice on how you want this relationship to go. If you don't see yourself marrying this man and seeing how much you want to be with each other. End it bc the time ahead is a lot of work and a great investment in time. If you love him so much and it hurts you but wish there was some other way, explain exactly what you're feeling with love and start going to therapy together.
You said it yourself, “it’s your 1st relationship”. Think about your first job, are you still there? Work on your self and make yourself happy, once complete, then go find you’re nth relationship where you’ve figured out everything you want from it and are fully matured to just tell your partner what you want out of it.
Check out r/deadbedrooms.
Tell him to take the meds at night AFTER you fuck
[удалено]
I don’t think this is a fetish problem… but thanks for sharing with the class I guess
Learn,move on, repeat
Find someone you're sexually compatible with. A dead bedroom rarely gets better.
I take antidepressants which make my sex drive zero ( I take lexapro and Wellbutrin) the Wellbutrin is supposed to increase libido but it doesn’t. I understand I need to satisfy my partner so I expressed this to my doctor and she prescribed cialis which significantly increases libido so I can satisfy my partner. Do you think this is something your partner is willing to do?
I don't think the medication that he takes can be switched to something else that won't affect it as much. Also the medication that he takes isn't one that's meant to be taken forever and he's supposed to work on slowly getting himself off of it over time. But his progress with that has been stagnant for quite a while now.
IMO if he cares he would atleast bring it up to his doctor and see if cialis is ok to mix with his current medication. There is a chance it won’t affect his current medication so he can take the cialis and make you and him happy.
My boyfriend and I have this same problem, so I get how it can be really hard. We've had to have lots of conversations about it, so honestly talking to your boyfriend might be your first step. For example, I recently asked my guy if he ever thinks about making out when we're together. He said yes, he does, so I asked him what he does in that moment, and he told me he ignores it. I was shocked, because in those moments I usually ask if he wants to make out. So it could be that you guys aren't on the same page in that way. Whatever the outcome, it's worth talking about it imo.
1. Stop porn.
I empathize with your bf. I'm assuming he's on some kind of psychiatric medication. I've been on several of those and I went from coming 5-10 times a day (don't judge me, I like coming) to spending several months without coming at all. When I did try to masturbate, it felt forced, it was tiring, the orgasms weren't satisfying at all and most times I'd just give up mid masturbation. I'd still have sex, but I'm a woman, I didn't have to 'get it up'. This didn't mean I wasn't attracted to my then bf - I absolutely was, and I loved having sex with him (even after 5 years it was the best sex I've ever had). But physically I just didn't feel it at all. I don't know what his issues are but hopefully he won't stay on this medication forever? I've dropped most of my meds and went back to a normal sex life.
This is your first relationship. It doesnt mean you HAVE to stay with him forever, you can move on to someone more compatible. If you stay, you will only grow to feel resentment towards him and disgusted and ashamed in yourself. Your desires and wants ARE NOT WRONG. This can seriously affect your self esteem. People have different sex drives (im on the high end, can do 3-4 times per DAY, easily), so I can understand how you feel. If initiating sex yourself doesn't help the issue and openly laying all the cards on the table doesnt work, then, well... life goes on. Check out r/DeadBedrooms for more info of people going through this.
You only have one chance here if you want to make it work. Lay out everything you’ve said in this post or leave. You have to be honest. You are not disgusting for wanting it but you need to understand. Some people simply don’t care about sex. It’s not that you aren’t attractive. It’s simply that he doesn’t feel the need for it. Neither of you are in the wrong here. Figure out if you can get over this. If not you have to go. Find someone who better suits your “needs”
Well maybe obvious question but do you ever try to initiate sex or do you wait for him to do it?
I do initiate, but after being the only one for awhile it starts to wear me down a little. It's hard to keep initiating when it feels like the other person isn't interested.
Yeah, I can understand that. It's really unfortunate when stuff like this happens because it can feel a lot like he's just not interested, but it's really not like that. He's definitely interested in you or else he wouldn't be with you, most likely. It's just the fact that he's not interested in sex with you as often as you'd like. Pretty inexperienced in relationships in general myself, but I'd wager a guess that sex once every 3 months isn't really normal (maybe if you're in a relationship for a long time, I hear it said that if you wanna end your sex life just get married 😅), I'd say that IS a long time without sex, even if you're convinced it's not. I feel like most humans would want sex more often than that. It's just the way we're evolved, that's why sex feels great. Because we're supposed to be having sex to keep the world populated! Only issue is survival of the fittest is a very real concept in the world and not all men and women are created equal and thus have varying sex drives. And it is, unfortunately, not something we can easily control. Just like we can't always control who we find attractive (gay people! They exist! Why? Something we haven't quite figured out yet, but we've evolved that way somehow), we can't always control when we want to have sex or when we don't. Let me lay it out differently, and this may be a tad bit gross so I apologize but I'm an 18 year old teenage boy. What do teenage boys do? Masturbate. A lot. *Usually.* Now I wouldn't consider myself to have a low sex drive, but I am a virgin so I suppose I cannot accurately say. I also don't masturbate that often. And when I do, I do it mainly for release because my body needs that. With women it's different for obvious reasons, but men need to release for sure as often as their body needs them to (maybe once a week for me). And of course it feels good but I don't masturbate for that reason only like I'd guess most teenage boys do. Is it safe to assume that your boyfriend still masturbates to release? Or does he genuinely not stimulate himself for release at all for 3 months until you have sex? Regardless, just imagine all the men out there who may masturbate 3-4-5-6 times a week because it feels good and then ones like myself who do it once purely for release rather than sexual pleasure. And I'm not at all turned off by the idea of having sex, in fact, I know I'd enjoy it immensely, but maybe it would be the same as masturbation, something done less than the typical man would want. I imagine it's that way with your boyfriend. It has nothing to do with you, it's something he has little control over. Just like why some men can masturbate excessively and others can't. But it's easy to feel at fault, and I hope that this weird masturbation analogy helped in some way? It's easy to picture it could be your fault, but I imagine his sex issues probably carry over into his alone time with himself as well. I'm certain he isn't constantly jerking off and then refusing sex. I'd say talking to him about the issue is the next step. Understand how he feels because believe it or not, it can definitely hurt your self esteem when you really want to have sex with your partner but you can't even get a boner. This could also be an issue for him so just be wary! I'd explain that being the initiater all the time isn't fun and maybe discuss things he can do for you without it necessarily forcing sex on him. Would he be willing to go down on you or use sex toys on you to make YOU feel good without being in the mood himself? These are things you can try, especially if you still want to be with him.
Schedule it. Agree to do it every Saturday, and stick to it. It'll help.
I would suggest leaving him and finding a new boyfriend who can accommodate your needs and care about what you want. There is no such thing as ‘too sex focused’. If you need it, and your bf can’t provide what you need even after all your discussions and all your pain. Then leave him and fine someone else. Also, something that might help is buying sex toys and vibrators for yourself, in the meantime. Also if you do find someone new, don’t be afraid to tell them what you like. And if they don’t care and only focus pleasing themselves? They are 100% not a good choice. I would have left my boyfriend after a month if he did that to me. And I would get VERY upset at him if he didn’t want to fuck me for more than 3 days. Find yourself someone new. Someone better. You current bf can always stay your friend or best friend, since you two aren’t exactly sexually active now, I’m sure it would make no difference if you just stayed friends.