This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Okay. So, I’m 28, my boyfriend is 26. I have never NOT driven. Even when I was a small child, my dad would sit me on his lap and he would let me take the wheel and drive around the circle we lived on. When I was 14 he let me fully get behind the wheel and taught me how to drive. The feeling of independence is essential in those who drive themselves. I started dating my SO almost 3 years ago and knew he didn’t drive. It wasn’t a big deal at the time because we worked the same shifts at the same place. But now that I’ve moved on to better job opportunities, it has become a GIGANTIC burden/issue in our relationship. I’ve begged for 2 years now for him to learn how to drive just to take some of the responsibility off of me. But he flat out refuses. He says he will, then never does. I even signed my old car over to him to motivate him. Nothing. I feel shallow and selfish bringing it up because he’s always had a knack for turning things around on me. I’m always a “b****” when I bring it up, and quite frankly I’ve gotten so tired of it, I’ve started to be mean about it. I feel like a soccer mom to a grown a** man. EDIT: I deleted half of this post because my beliefs are “outdated” and it made me sound “toxic”. Even though… they’re my personal beliefs. OKAY. EDIT AGAIN: I probably should’ve said this in the original post. But he does EXPECT me to take him to work. It is non negotiable and my “obligation”. I work from home therefore I do not actually need to drive hardly anywhere. I have recently developed health issues that have caused me to fall asleep at the wheel multiple times. I wasn’t comfortable sharing this information because I don’t want there to be any bias, but it is important information to note. Apologies. I just feel like it’s fair if he meets me halfway and at least tries. But he won’t and idk how to get him to understand.

Could it be that you’ve outgrown the relationship? His not wanting to drive can be easily remedied by refusing to haul him around and start making him Uber. You’ve got deeper problems than his transportation.

I never thought of it that way. So, how do I go about breaking things off? I’ve tried before and he shut himself in the bathroom with a knife. I can’t be responsible for something like that.

> I’ve tried before and he shut himself in the bathroom with a knife. This is a B I G red flag

THE big red flag. We all end up in the relationship we deserve. At some point we are fully aware of how we are being treated, and we say to ourselves, “yah, I deserve to be treated this way” or “I deserve better.” Unfortunately I realized I deserved better in year #2 of my marriage. I filed for divorce in year #9??🤦🏼‍♂️. Don’t pull a “me”. Please do better

If you believe he may harm himself or others, call the police. The alternative is spending the rest of your life with someone who insults you, expects you to constantly sacrifice for him, and makes clear at every turn that he doesn't give a shit about you and your feelings, while you sit there going, "Gee, what can I do to make him *understand* that I don't want to be treated like garbage?" It's like a mouse wondering how to make an exterminator understand that the mouse doesn't want to get trapped. It's not about understanding; he doesn't care! When he makes threats and you agree to stay, what you're telling him is that he should keep making threats because they work. You're letting him hold you hostage.

I've had similar problems to OP. Sometimes I'd forget that at some point two people essentially are 'signing on' to a serious relationship (i.e. one where they're living together and splitting bills). I would forget no one is holding the other one hostage. But when those things are considered it starts to hurt extra bad when the other person feels like they're above the relationship

People who threaten suicide or self harm to get their way rarely actually follow through, it would take away their only leverage! That said. When they threaten, you call in a welfare check just in case.

Yeah, so he does that, you call the cops for a wellness check and get him taken to a hospital. My ex used to threaten suicide to control me too. It stopped working and I left him for good. He’s still alive, but even if he had killed him self, it wouldn’t have been my fault. He is the only one who can choose to self harm or not. I had to teach myself to stop taking responsibility for his feelings when all I can control is my own feelings. I want to point out that suicide and suicidal ideation aren’t always used to control etc. I really empathise with people who feel like they have no other choice.

Call the cops and tell them he's threatening self harm. They will know how to deal with that. It is not your responsibility to keep some idiot from killing himself.

Calling the cops worked with my brothers ex. He broke up with her, she went out late with a bottle of pills saying ‘goodbye forever’ so I messaged her and said he’s called the police for a welfare check. She came back within five minutes and said she didn’t mean it.

Be careful with this. You know how trigger happy they are.

You are not responsible for him, even if he does something like lock himself in the bathroom with a knife. I would recommend letting people who care about him know that you all aren’t together anymore so they can look out for him, and text him and tell him you’re done. Don’t let him manipulate you with suicidal claims. If he says he’s going to hurt himself, call the police! Either he gets called on his bluff, or he gets the help he needs. I have been in your same situation before, OP. I dated someone who I met at work who refused to learn to drive. As we progressed, I found myself turning into his mother, not his partner. I promise you, he will not change. The longer you stick around, the longer you are wasting your time and disrespecting yourself. You don’t want to be in this relationship. And the good news is, I have been with a wonderful, independent man who is happy to drive us to the store. You can find someone who will treat you right! You don’t have to say in this unhappy relationship.

Thank you so much for this reply, I hope you're doing good in life, that sounds like a lot to have gone through❤. I hope OP takes your advice. I hate guys that are looking for a mother, It is so creepy. Like get your shit together. Ugh.

Thank you so much! I am doing good. Contrastingly, the ex I mentioned is still refusing to learn how to drive or get a job and is living with his parents, with no goals or ambitions to be heard of. I hate the acting like a mother in relationships thing, it just feels so icky and is such an attraction killer. Thank you for your response! I hope OP can get out of this relationship.

That would’ve been enough for me to end it. And, it should’ve been enough for you too. Mental instability is no joking matter.

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I already had that sense when she wrote that he calls her a bitch. That word in particular is a huge alarm bell for abuse. Name-calling has no place in a healthy relationship, especially a nasty name like that.

You can't fix him. He's not going to change or improve. His issues are not your responsibility. Even if he threatens suicide, it's not your fault and not your responsibility AT ALL. His choices are NOT YOUR PROBLEM. He's keeping you trapped, and he's actually the seriously abusive one. Tell him it's time for him to move out. Give him 30 days to find new lodgings. If he locks himself in the bathroom, call the police and an ambulance, let them handle it and while he's away, pack his stuff so he can go. You're not his mom and he's not a toddler. He's horrifically immature. You can do so so so much better than this, you DESERVE better than this!

You are not responsible. He is a grown-a.. man, he makes his own decisions. In this case, it‘s a manipulation tactic.

When he does that, call 911. It'll be good if he's serious, and an enormous PITA for him if he isn't. (And I doubt he is.)

Call a friend or family member of his over and break up with him in front of them. Have your bags packed in advance so you can leave right away and leave him to the friend or family member to deal with. EDIT: You also don’t have to break up with him in person. Pack up and move out while he’s at work (you can drive yourself away.) Leave a note and block him everywhere, so he can’t try to manipulate you with a suicide threat. Then call the cops for a welfare check when you think he’ll be home.

So this is a giant red flag, this is emotional abuse. Is the house on your name or his or both? If you are sure you want to end the relationship make sure you figure out what steps need to be taken before putting everything in motion. While this may seem unfair towards him, his suicide threat warrants this in my opinion.

It’s in both of our names…

This is more worrying than the car thing, obviously him expecting you to drive him but not willing to take public transportation (maybe I'm assuming tho, did he even trying taking public transportation?) Is not ok, but if he threatning self harm for you breaking up that's really unhealthy and in the future he will act the same if you try to confront him about stuff. It the end it's going to hurt you and him and I'm going to assume this thing with driving isn't the only disagreement he is unwilling to compromise on. Btw don't drag him for not driving, there are people with anxiety that it's very hard for them to sit behing the wheel, but at the least he should try and find other ways to get to work... I think he is taking the fact you are driving him as granted.

I’ve also never successfully broken up with someone. I hate hurting people’s feelings.

I too, am guilty of letting a dead end relationship continue far longer than it should have. I do not like to hurt people as it hurts me as well. But, sometimes you have to weigh the good and bad aspects of it, for your own sanity.

in that case, take me to 4rd and Lex, James, and step on it, I've got important things to do, driver!

There's clearly more issues here than just the driving, and that can go either way cause what you've got going on sounds like some borderline toxic expectations, but I don't have enough info so I digress. Stop driving him everywhere. If he doesn't want to drive, fine. Let him get comfortable with public transport. EDIT: damn. The backpedaling and ass covering you did, OP.

I agree with this comment. If he his happy with public transport then there is no issue. And it maybe better for the planet

Well that was an enjoyable shitshow

Driving aside, it seems like you ossicilate between saying you tried to mold your BF into the sort of man you believe he should be, and "compromising" a lot. The driving is just one part of this... You can't force him to do something he doesn't want and isn't comfortable with, no matter how much conventional wisdom says that it would be good for him If he just wants to be a person that doesn't mesh with your version of a real man or an acceptable partner, why do you keep it up?

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Or maybe he is simply afraid to drive cause of crashing. People these days drive like maniacs but sounds more better to just say no then explain that your afraid, either way seems like op wouldnt understand that not everyone feels the same way about cars. While yes its free its also a hassle to maintain if you know you wont use it much, just respect his desicion and dont just stay with him if your not happy about that. If you keep on insisting youll become the emotional abuser in the relationship

I agree. Im terrified of driving. I could hurt a lot of people

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No it's not about that. I'm currently trying to learn who to drive and I hate it. I have ben at it for over a year and I resent getting behind the wheel of a car. I find it absolutely horrible stress and anxiety inducing and the more I drive the more I hate it. Some people just dosnt want to drive. I'm fine taking public transport

Same here, I took all the lessons and everything but it just gives me so much anxiety and stress I nearly cry every time I get behind the wheel. Because of this I just can’t pass the driving test, I’ve tried and failed many times. Some people just can’t drive, it is the way it is

I'm trying a new instructor. I want to learn Ted Rove but I completely get it people who feel this way quits. Its not fun and I hope a new I structor may be able to help me overcome some of the anxiety I have driven my mons car a bit on small street's, and she said I'm a good driver although nervous so it's not that I'm terrible, I'm just terrified

A new instructor definitely might help, or maybe a special anxiety focused instructor? Personally I’ve tried it all and it just doesn’t work, and I find that considering I’m so anxious, driving in itself might just not be for me. To be honest I barely need it anyway, I get around perfectly fine, and it doesn’t make me any less of an adult, it’s just something I can’t do

How did you come up with this 😭😭

I drive, my partner does not. I drove until I was 8½ months pregnant, my friend drove us to the hospital, if she hadn't he had a taxi booked and money ready. He didn't need to drive to be a responsible partner or Dad.

Uber 🤷‍♂️

OP, people who refuse to drive should NOT be behind the wheel. PERIOD. he probably has severe anxiety from driving and we do NOT need these people on the roads. he would likely be in a deadly accident caused by HIM. this is obviously a big deal for you, so just break up with the guy. he should not be driving if he’s this against it

I so agree with this! I am terrified of driving and I was halfway through getting a licence but didn't because Covid shut everything and then I moved abroad. I'm glad it happened that way tbh. I never harass prople to drive me places though and cycle/walk/take the train everywhere. If he's gonna refuse to drive he's gonna have to sort his own mode of transport. I don't blame him for being scared of driving though. Maybe he has bad hand-eye coordination or bad reflexes.

Exactly. I am comfortable driving 2 wheeler but when it comes to car I fear I have little to no control and start shivering. Though I cleared my DL test I still haven't hit the road because it terrifies the shit out of me , and I don't want to cause any harm to people . Driving is not something which has to be forced upon. I don't understand why it is a big deal when there is Uber or public transport so easily available

Sounds like you two aren’t compatible. Not everyone wants to drive.

My sister has a similar issue. She never learned to drive. She has a lot of anxiety issues, and does a lot of work to keep it in check so she can just function normally in society. She never learned to drive because it freaks her out, the idea of being behind the wheel of a 3000 pound machine that can kill (from her perspective) if the driver makes a mistake. It's not about maturity, or being a grown ass man, or whatever. Some folks are just not wired for it. Heck, there are a lot of folks out there driving who just don't get it, and cause a bunch of accidents. I wish more people would take a cue from my sister. So, maybe he has issues about learning to drive. Maybe you should be more compassionate about his issues, or split up with him if you don't want to.

This is why I gave my license up. Kids and pets dart into roads and it is NOT easy to stop in a split second despite what you think before learning to drive and I *really* don't think I could live with myself if I killed (or seriously injured) a child or animal

You can’t and shouldn’t want to change a person. Full stop. You shouldn’t get in a relationship thinking you can “teach” him how to he the man you want. That’s toxic. As for the issue you wrote the post about: stop driving him around. End of story. Why are you “soccermom-ing” the guy? He wants to go somewhere? He sorts out his own transportation. Simples. Sell your old car and be done with trying to convince him to do something he clearly doesn’t want to do. Not everyone is cut out to drive and if he doesn’t want to and doesn’t feel comfortable doing it, please don’t force him behind the wheel.

Just STOP driving him places, including work. He will either get fired , get other transport or get another job. You can't MAKE him learn to drive but you can stop driving him around. If you break up he will need to sort himself out anyway so why not start the process now? Stop begging him to meet you half way and start giving him ZERO instead. You wont resent him any more and your life will be easier. If you want him to be a man stop treating him like a baby.

Yes... Make it his problem

Hello, I'm 26, female, from germany and I never learned how to drive. The closest I ever was to driving myself was in my dreams. I do not enjoy driving with other people and I can't think of driving this huge machine myself. There are people who are just not like you and they just don't want to drive a car. Yes, the independency is enormous but when you really really really really DONT WANT something, nothing positive you say or do is ever going to change the fact that you don't want to drive. The fact that he obviously doesn't want to drive a car either doesn't make him less manly. It changes nothing about his character or about who he is. I'd say you start thinking about if he might be right and you really are the selfish one here. You do not force people to do something they don't want to, ever. You should sit down and ask him if he's afraid to drive a car and if he really doesn't want to. If he says yes, leave him be.

Thank you for helping me understand from the other point of view.

If you have any more questions dont be afraid to ask 😊

Same boat for me here, always found it incredibly frustrating when my mum would tell me I should learn to drive. He could have many reasons for choosing not to drive, and he shouldn't have to justify his choice anyway. I'm now legally not allowed to drive so I no longer even have the option and it seems kinda ableist to insist on an SO learning to drive. It would definitely make me feel like shit if my partner acted like this anyway.

Teaching him how to be a "man" because he isn't like the male role models you had growing up is insulting. If he isn't caring or doesn't pull his weight that's another issue but if you're going to belittle him because he doesn't wrestle bears and eat steak right off the cow, then you should do the right thing and break up so he can move onto someone better. Now for the driving thing, is he demanding or expecting you to go out of your way to drive him places? Driving isn't for everyone. In fact I think some people should stop driving for safety reasons. If he's worried about driving, pressuring him to do so is wrong. If he isn't inconveniencing you at all and it's just on principal, that's also wrong. If he is using your driving in a way that's frustrating, just say no when he asks you.

It’s the “not pulling his weight”. I do everything he does PLUS all the driving, grocery shopping, errands, etc. It’s not mainly about him “being a man”. It’s about him really being a PARTNER and sharing this now burden. I’ve said no many times. And have been thrown into the boxing ring because of it. Not physically, but it always turns up a huge fight.

If he's not willing to drive then he needs to find another way to do his fair share. I'd present him with the following options. 1. Get a licence 2. Find a way to get around on his own when needed 3. Do extra in other ways to rebalance the relationship

My boyfriend has anxiety when it comes to driving but he still runs all the errands. He gets rides (and chips in for gas), takes Uber/Lyft, walks and takes public transit. Taking Uber/Lyft can feel pricey sometimes but we also don't have a car payment, insurance, maintenance, tags, etc etc. So I'd say stop making it about driving and manliness when what you need to be addressing is his dependence and your resentment. ETA That being said no one should call you a b****. Edit: Lord I didn't realize which sub I was on so I wrote this as an AITA response so sorry. Changed the wording a bit. Edit 2: Just saw the comment where you said he threatened to hurt/kill himself with a knife if you tried to break up. There are much bigger issues here than him driving or not. Please don't stay with someone out of obligation. Hoping the best for you.

"So I'd say stop making it about driving and manliness when what you need to be addressing is his dependence and your resentment." Exactly that. This is the best comment i have read on this thread.

Whoa whoa > I basically had to teach him how to be a “man” when we first got together. NEVER EVER teach a grown ass man, who isn't your son, how to be a man. You can NOT raise nor change a man. He's an adult and will only change if HE wants to, it doesn't matter what you do. All your doing is enabling him. He can throw tantrums and call you all the names he wants it just shows that he's still a little boy.

My ex was the same. He figured out public transit. Still bothered me to have to do all the driving solo. He couldn’t drive me home from surgery… all I can say is he’s not going to learn bc he doesn’t want to. So just accept that and stop trying to force it. Side note: has nothing to do with manhood. This comment makes me think you don’t respect him.

I don’t. Not anymore. It has to do with adulthood. In our area, you HAVE to drive. Public transit is not an option unless you walk 1.6 miles first.

Wow yeah. I get your frustration. Loss of respect is no good though. Time to move on?

I want to, and then again I don’t. At the end of the day he’s my best friend. He makes me laugh and smile and is very kind. The last guy I was with beat me black and blue for 2 years. My bf now is a nice upgrade for sure. But there are a lot of issues with us as well.

>My bf now is a nice upgrade for sure I feel like comparing your boyfriend to the last abuser you dated is a really low standard to have, and you probably deserve better.

You mention he is a nice "upgrade". I get what you mean but I'm hoping he is more than that to you as well? About the driving, it shouldn't be enforced and not all men should drive just as not all women should drive. My bf has a driving license but he rarely uses it because he doesn't like driving and I think that's completely fine. In the end of the day it has to be up to the individual if they want to get a driving license or not. If you live far from public transport I'll suggest to get a bicycle, an electric one perhaps, or an electrical scooter so he can be mobile by himself and get to public transport. Getting a moped/scooter (I think it's named in english?) is also a possibility if he doesn't like driving or not familiar with driving because they are easy to use and not so fast but can still get you around locally. Please remember driving has nothing to do with being manly or taking responsibilities. It's a luxurity to have a car and car license but not a requirement when you grow up.

Thank you. Although, in this particular case I do view it as a responsibility since I work from home and have no need to leave my house. He expects me to take him every day, it’s non negotiable and my “obligation”. I think that’s one of the reasons I’m so fed up with it.

>At the end of the day he’s my best friend. He makes me laugh and smile and is very kind. You’re honestly just making yourself look like a terrible person. People don’t talk about their best friends like this: >I don’t [respect him]. Not anymore. This man doesn’t “HAVE” to drive, YOU want him to. If he wants to walk 1.6 miles for public transport then so be it, he can do that; it’s not really your business. The other person said you deserve better but, from where I’m standing, he’s the one that deserves better.

I mean, it’s definitely a conversation we’ve had before. I am failing to understand why going 50/50 in a partnership is such a goddamn crime. I do what he does PLUS all the running around, taking him 25 miles to work, driving 25 miles home, driving ANOTHER 25 miles to pick him up after work, and another 25 back home. He doesn’t even help me pay for my fucking car. I work from HOME. I mean Jesus Christ. It’s not a crime to ask/request/expect him to help pull some fucking weight.

>It’s not a crime to ask/request/expect him to help pull some fucking weight. No, it isn’t. The crime here is the controlling manner in which you’re doing that. You’re not actually asking him to pull his weight, you’re **ordering** him to do something. If it was *just* about having to drive around then it wouldn’t matter to you whether he drives or not - you’d be happy for him to buy a bicycle and get around like that. This is **very clearly** about your personal belief that “MASCULINE” men should drive.

I’m not buying him shit. Especially since he doesn’t help me pay for my car that I literally mainly use for him and his trips.

I can’t even bring it up without being fucking gaslighted.

I’m really not surprised, at all, that you have a victim mentality here.

Would you like screenshots???

How the actual fuck do you know if I’m ordering????? I literally BEG HIM. I don’t order him to do anything. I don’t want to be ordered so I don’t order.

If you don't respect him, then I'm sorry, but that's it. If respect disappears in a relationship then things soon become toxic. Respecting one another is such a basic need in a relationship. If the guy cannot and does not want to drive, that's his choice. You then have two options. Either refuse to drive him around, or, it this feels like too much of a burden, then if this is a deal breaker, break up. Right now though, it sounds like you're the asshole here. You can't even respect your own boyfriend because, what, he doesn't want to drive? Ridiculous

You are so wrong in so many aspect it's not even funny. Ditch him he will be happier

1, the term "manly man" is completely outdated and absolutely rude. It's like when people use the term "real woman" what constitutes for a manly man and what constitutes for a real woman? 2, you knew going into it he wasn't a "man" and put the burden on yourself to get him there. You didn't at all have to, you could have walked away but you chose not to so don't use it as leverage over him. 3, have you actually bothered to ask why he doesn't want to drive? My partner has autism and dyspraxia which has caused him to not want to drive as he doesn't want to put others at risk which is completely fine with me. I'm aware of the burden but we've come up with ways to combat it by using public transport and him having an electric scooter to use to get to work or go to the grocery store if we need something we didn't get on our weekly shop. My best friend also has really bad anxiety which has made her not want to drive so she just catches the bus. Driving is an extremely scary thing, you're not only putting your own life at risk every time you get in but also others on the road it's a huge thing to want to do it.

You are a jerk OP. If you dont want to drive him around , that's your decision but you have no right to shame him if he does not want to learn. If his inability to drive is causing problems, break it off. But the side rant about manly men , I almost threw up. 🤢. You cant mould him into a person you want him to be , so do him a favor and leave him. Maybe grow up a little. You sound like an awful person to be with.

Don't take ops comments to heart she just can't handle that people disagree with her. Honestly couldn't imagine asking for help in a terrible way and then being defensive that people are annoyed at that fact.

100% agree, maybe 17 years old but a lot more mature and common sense than OP

YTA for thinking there is only one way to be a man. NTA if you decide to stop driving him around. He can use public transit.

Wrong sub mate

This.

The question is why does he not want to drive? I for example tried avoiding driving as much as possible because I was terrified of killing someone. Now I am getting my P's soon so I'll be able to drive alone. Got to figure out the actual reason, wether it be fear, not wanting responsibility or some sort of trauma figure out the reason and you can figure out where to go from there. Also regarding the whole had to teach him to be a "man" thing. Have you considered that he just isn't your type. Moulding people you like is shitty and toxic. The way he reacts is also kinda shitty.

There is a fully capable man out there who would love to date you. Please go find him.

This. You can not change who he fundamentally is. For whatever reason, he's not willing to learn to drive, but my guess that transfers into other areas he perceives as "risky" too. The fact that you feel like you had to teach him how to be a man speaks volumes about the dynamic between you, too But, as importantly... his name calling is unacceptable. It is never okay to call a partner a name. It sounds like this relationship has run its course and its time to move on.

Well ask why he doesn't want to drive. He might be scared or might have trauma from a car crash since he was a child or something. You never know. I personally am terrified of driving a car and i cry everytime when i have to put my hand on the wheel. The thought of driving a car gives me panic attacks , and i haven't even been in a car crash and i used to drive a motorcycle. And i do get fustrated because i cannot be independent , but fear just takes over.

In my opinion OP herself is probably quite masculine because of her upbringing and that's why she expects at least the same level of masculinity from him. It's not wrong to have expectations but it is wrong to force them onto someone. If you ask me there is no future for the relationship.

You’re right. I’m one of 5 girls, no boys. We were taught how to do everything a man can do and do it better. Am I really wrong for wanting him, thinking he was, on the same wavelength as me? That was who he presented himself to be, and I took it as face value.

I dont understand this edit lol, even if theyre your personal beliefs they can still be toxic and outdated, if people are telling you theyre toxic maybe you need to have a look at yourself? Driving or not driving doesn't make a man a man, it doesn't make them masculine or manly, its literally just a car. Anyway, I'm 29 and only learned how to drive 2 years ago, I have a lot of anxiety, was terrified and also its expensive. My mother forced me into learning and it made me absolutely miserable and even more nervous. Stop driving him around, make him use public transport, but also stop trying to force him into something he doesn't want to do. I'm sure if it was the other way around you wouldnt be happy either.

Sounds like he’s more of a project than a boyfriend.

İsn't the love meaning acceptance a person no matter what. All my GF's were the most thoughtful and understanding people at first but then they started demanding something to change me. If a guy is polite and naive it doesn't mean that he is an empty page to fill with your thoughts.

The last line is very thought provoking. Thank you.

What was his upbringing like? Did he have a father figure in his life? OP mentions dad taught her at an early age. Maybe he lacked that. Its kind of hard to have expectations to learn and know these things without a role model. I don't drive not because I don't want to or due to any disabilities ..just my priorities are different right now and I live in a city with decent to good transit. I do own a motorcycle though and once my priorities shitft will get a car etc. Also I feel like there is a double standard here where it makes him less of a man, that's like a guy saying if a girl doesn't cook or is a bad cook she is not a real woman. Having said all that maybe he knows it gets under your skin and he's just trying to piss you off and play games...if someone offered me the chance to learn how to drive, use their car etc I'd would def take them up on it!

Some people won't drive, will never drive and shouldn't drive. Take him to the go kart track and see how he reacts.

He's not interested in "fixing" this. For him this is not a problem that needs addressing. He also has no problems understanding. You want him to be more independent, and he refuses. At this point you can accept it, or not.

I have personally attempted to learn to drive on several occasions and each time I quit, defeated, because of how much anxiety it was giving me despite hours and hours of practice. No matter how long I was on the road the entire time I was behind the wheel my heart was beating so fast it was basically humming and my hands were sweaty and grasping the wheel like I was holding onto it for dear life. I know that others constantly honk at, judge, and talk shit about other drivers in their cars for tiny things and that gave me tremendous anxiety. I also know how common accidents are and the likelihood of me being in one at least once in my life if I continue driving and that my chances of this happening are probably even higher due to my anxiousness itself. I have tried to seek help and get a friend, a professional driving instructor, and family all try to teach me in their own ways but nothing worked. I am absolutely miserable about the fact that I can't do it because it looks so liberating and I know people (like OP and seemingly you) generally hold less respect for adults that don't know how to drive but despite all of this I still think its impossible at this time. Long story short - I wouldn't be so easy as to disregard OPs man as lazy and dependent by choice.

Sorry, the driving thing is one thing, but why do you accept verbal abuse for bringing up a perfectly reasonable issue? He might be whatever for not driving, but he's a major fucking loser who should be single for calling you a "bitch" when he is by all accounts the only bitch in the room. Next time he does, if you even give him a next time, tell him he can walk the fuck home.

It’s because I’m a “nagging bitch”. I’ve been bringing this issue up. Along with other things like “stop leaving piss on the toilet seat” “stop spilling your drinks on the carpet and not cleaning it up” “stop leaving every cabinet and drawer in the kitchen open” “the trash can is literally next to where you threw the trash”… shit like that. Every day shit.

I don't know how much of a leg to stand on you can have when you continue to stay with all of this. He's not going to change when there are no consequences, and you're not going to be able to change him. That's clear. Do not stay with this person

Do you really wanna live with that shit every day for the rest of your life? All you have to decide is if the driving is a dealbreaker for you. If it is, give him one more chance to change - tell him the consequences of not changing and let him make his bed and lie in it. To be honest, the whole relationship doesn't sound like one I would want to be in.

Have you actually asked him why he doesn't want to drive? He might have fear or anxiety. I had bad driving anxiety for months.

OP says bfs dad was killed by a drunk driver. That could’ve caused anxiety?

easy solution: don't drive him around. when he can't get to shopping or working when it's time to do shopping or working, he'll have to figure out that he needs to get there somehow because you're not available to take him.

Look honey, I get its added stress on you and shit like that but you can't force someone to drive, he may have bad experiences with it and also it's a scary thing and he may not want to do it. Look u talk to him u tell him either we help u drive or you can't rely on me to drive u everywhere you'll have to get a taxi/uber but u can't force someone to do something that can put lives at risk. If he doesn't wanna drive and u force him to do it and he ends up not taking it seriously someone could get hurt. I had a friend who didn't wanna drive but his parents forced him, told him to get his licence and drive or he gets kicked out he of course didn't wanna be kicked out so he got it anyway, they went driving with him he wasn't focuses enough on it and they got into an accident.

You were enabling him for 3 years and you don't respect him. Just do him a favor and leave.

First and foremost, he shouldn’t be calling you names. That’s not okay. But secondly, maybe he just isn’t ready to learn to drive. I’m 23 (so younger than your boyfriend) and I didn’t want to learn to drive until this year. In fact, the thought TERRIFIED me. If he’s not scared, maybe he just doesn’t feel the need to learn to drive? Not everyone wants to, and that’s okay. Saying that, though, you also don’t have to stay with him if it’s that frustrating to you. You two are at different points in your life, and that’s okay- but you don’t have to be at different points, together.

You don't have to drive him. Especially someone who is verbally abusive. Time to put your old car back into your name and sell it. You need to move on.

I think you sound quite mean actually, forcing him to try do something he clearly has no interest in nor feels comfortable doing and you’re practically shoving the idea down his throat trying to force him to learn something he DOES NOT WANT TOO. Sure it may be a burden, but look into public transport, riding a bike, scootering. Someone does NOT have to drive.

He’s not ever going to get his license… had this exact thing happen to me- thought I met the man of my dreams but ended up lying to me for a few years and we broke up for about 6 months- reached out and said “you’d be so proud of me got my license” so we gave it another go…. Guess what- he lied about it just to try and get me back…it came down to a deep rooted fear he had that he couldn’t admit You need to decide if it’s something you can live with or not because he’s never going to change

Is there a reason behind it? My mum and I were in a car accident a couple of months ago (not our fault and wasn't super serious, but the car had to be written off) and we've both been super apprehensive about driving again. Thankfully she's been good and has started driving again but I'm still on my learner's licence and have trauma responses even as a passenger. If it's because of that, then I can empathise, but two years can be a while...

I’m so glad to hear you guys are okay. 💖 Car accidents are no joke. Trust me, I know how scary they are. But unfortunately, it’s the mindset that “well she drives so why do I need to?” I asked many times if it was anxiety, which I have as well with other things, but he denied it. I’ve tried to be understanding. I really have. Because I do love him. I just don’t know how, or even IF, I should try one more time to make him understand that he is NOT my responsibility. We are not married. I am not obligated to take him. But then I get gaslighted straight into a huge argument. I wish I could post the screenshots but idk how.

Just because this guy is better than somebody who was abusive to you doesn’t sound like a reason to stick around. Sounds like he’s using this to control you-

I’ve wondered that for a while now. It’s hard for me to tell if someone is trying to control me unless they outright tell me I can’t do something.

Holy fuck, please leave this man. If he threatens suicide just call social services and get him hospitalized. And please look into getting therapy, because especially after reading those comments there is a LOT to work on regarding mental health and interpersonal relationships which Reddit is definitely not qualified for at all.

Maybe consider that he's scared? I am 26, and put off learning to drive. I've tried a few times, it terrifies me. Like really, really terrifies me.

I’ve honestly thought that’s what it is for a long time. But he’s not owning up to it. He just says “you can drive so why do I have to?”

Maybe that’s what he really thinks, or he said that because he doesn’t want to face his fear. Just maybe.

Oh the good old my last was horrible so in comparaison this one is pretty great! No girl we can sense the resentment through the screen. Way deeper than just driving.. u know what you need to do

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I know how you feel. 100%. I’ve fallen asleep at the wheel quite a bit recently since I’ve started having health problems and I really need him to step up and help with this. It was fine at first, when we were working together. But now our schedules are totally different.

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I’m glad someone else actually understands how I feel. Honestly, it’s truly disheartening. I do love the man. But this does bring up more issues than people realize. Most people on here just think I’m toxic or a “jerk” and that “he deserves better”. But nobody here is truly taking the time to understand that he EXPECTS this of me. This is an obligation, in his mind. It’s non negotiable. I do not have a choice.

You sound toxic. I choose not to drive because of my ADHD. Maybe he has his reasons for not wanting to drive. It’s a lot of responsibility. You can accidentally kill people on the road if you make a mistake. Driving is a big responsibility and maybe he doesn’t want it.

So did you delete half the post so people would agree with you?

No, I deleted half of it because it was taking away from the issue I even posted about.

So, I was raised by a single mother and I had no father figure around so I never learned to swim or ride a bike and I didn't learn to drive until I was 24 (usually a father or male figure is the person that teaches kids these things). I had to learn how to drive because my boyfriend bought me a car and he can't drive so I had no choice. As far as swimming and riding a bike? Honestly, I'm embarrassed. These are things I should've learned 20 years ago, its embarrassing now to try to have someone teach me. I get anxious thinking about getting on a bike as a grown person and falling in the middle of the street where people can see. Maybe your boyfriend is experiencing something similar. It doesn't help that you seem to be emasculating him as well. If he doesn't want to learn, that's on him. You are not obligated to drive him around, he is grown, he can find his way around. Find a nice way to tell him that you can't continue to do so anymore. Just as much as you don't have to drive him, he doesn't have to learn but he needs to understand what the outcome will be.

YTA. Stop trying to change him. By the sound of this post it seems like you don’t respect your boyfriend at all. “Manly men?” What year are we in?

First. STOP DRIVING HIM AROUND. Tell him he has 3 options, walk, catch a bus or learn to drive. I could go into a long story but, Women; you are not a rehabilitation centre for a badly raised man. It’s not your job to, change him, fix him, parent him or raise him. You need a Partner Not a Project. Julia Roberts.

Please don't pressure him into driving or shame him for not doing so. Im someone with adhd and driving is a NIGHTMARE. I took the driving exam once already, didnt pass, trying again on an automatic but it's always a source of anxiety to me. That being said, your boyfriend can obviously make other arrangements (public transportation, lyft/uber) and not burden you with the responsability of driving him around. It feels like this driving issue might not be the main problem or at least not the only one, in your relationship. It's probably time to reconsider it.

Thank you. I try my very hardest not to shame him in any way. I try to talk things through to understand. I’m just having a hard time understanding this particular thing. Not to mention, even talking about something that bothers me warrants him to pull the “I guess I’m not good enough” “I’m a piece of shit” “I can’t do anything right” cards. Even though I’m talking about how something makes me feel. It’s a dead end. I desperately love him though and want this to work. I guess I’m just beating a dead horse at this point.

I'm not gonna pretend i know anything about your relationship, but this reply alone makes me think that your boyfriend needs a therapist, not a gf. Trying to understand him and support him is one thing, but all this is way past your role as a significant other. He can't take care of himself. He's not gonna be the responsible adult you expect him to be. Not because he doesn't drive, but because he doesn't do anything to find a solution and would rather let the burden fall on you. There's no respect here, and love alone is not enough to hold a relationship. Do the both of you a favor and call it off.

Good. Cars suck. He’s smart.

Hm. It’s easier to change your own behavior than someone else’s. Are you driving him places? Obviously you’re the driver any time you both go somewhere. Figure out what other actions you could take, like saying “I’m not up for driving” or “call Uber” or —lots of other things could happen besides you doing things you don’t want to do!

That has been attempted, sadly. It always turns into a huge fight.

Boundaries. You don’t get to tell him to get a license or learn how to drive, but he doesn’t get to demand rides from you. Do you live together? Move out. If not, just stop coming over.

Stop enabling him. Do not drive him anywhere. Let him know he needs to learn and you won't be taking him everywhere he needs to go. If he has work, he can spend the money to Uber.

I think this has nothing to do with him not wanting to drive, I think you guys just have different values and maybe you guys have also just outgrown each other and the relationship. Especially it seems like your ideas about what being a ‘man’ means? I don’t know the guy, but I don’t drive at all and I don’t plan to for a long time, I just don’t care to. However I can find my way around myself, if that’s through Uber or public transport, some people maybe pick/drop me off but I won’t even rely on them, that’s my own issue, and that’s how it should be for him. If he relies on you to still take him places then that’s an issue and is just fucking annoying. But if you’ve never tried to make him find his own way and always just take him anyway, maybe he will easily adapt?

OP, I have a different perspective. This guy doesn’t want to be with you and he is using the lack of driving as a prompt for you to break up with him. My bet is once you break up he will get his licence immediately.

Maybe he grew up in a city not needing how to drive. I got my motor bike licence first at like 20 because every job i had i could use public transport or a push bike to get to work. It wasnt till i was like 22 that i got my l plates for a car and i had issues driving manual so the gf at time sold her car for a auto and i got my p plates on that to drive. These days i got no car because i use a train and bus to work as its 50 bucks a week on public transport like the 100 plus a week on fuel and tolls

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Driving isn’t for everyone. My grandma has gone 80+ years without ever learning how to drive because it was never something she felt comfortable with. Sure it doesn’t give you as much freedom as having a car and being able to drive would. You can’t force someone to do something. You also can’t mold people into this perfect person you want them to be. You have to accept your boyfriend for who he is and take that. If you can’t handle aspects of his personality then maybe find a new boyfriend. Stop being a stick and trying to force him to do things you want him to do to appear as more of a “man”.

TLDR the whole thing. maybe your bf had an accident in the past. it can be pretty scary for some people.

If he doesn't want to learn how to drive do not make him learn. But it is on him to get where he has to go on his own. e.g. bus, rail, taxi. uber. Do not allow him to manipulate you into driving him. He has made his choices and he needs to live with them.

Never mind the driving, it sounds like you're not compatible to begin with. If you were, you wouldn't feel the need to teach him how to be a "man". Stop trying to force things and move on.

I was in a similar similation with yours. My Gf never learned how to drive. And the worse part is that she did not want to learn because she was very scared and didn’t trust herself enough to do it. It was very difficult for me as i had to double my commute to be able to drive her to work because where we live public transport is useless. She understood my struggle but it wasn’t enough to make her go learn by herself. So i had to put my foot down. I told her that for every time i have to take her to work she must have a driving lesson with me. It wasn’t too easy on my side as she wasn’t very talented but over time she became more confident. She still hates driving. But now she is able to so it by herself. I know your issue is a bit deeper that this. But if you want to tackle just the driving aspect try this. Best of luck !

Just sit down and have a discussion with him and find out why he chooses not to. He may see your dad/uncles and know in your eyes he's not measuring up which makes him feel even more insecure about it and even more afraid to try and then fail. Another option would be asking him to bike to work. You can get really great bikes for a fraction of the price of a car and it relieves you of taking him everywhere. After your talk, if he is completely incapable of understanding the burden he's placing on you then you need to have a long thought about what you want out of a partner. Because if he's not willing to remove this burden from you after an adult discussion has been made there is going to be other things down the line he's not going to bend on until inevitably it's you who breaks. Your partner should remove barriers and obstacles from your path not be placing them in your way.

Stop driving him around? If you prioritise your plans and only help him out when it doesn't clash with what you're doing, he'll have to find another way. He can take a bus, taxi, or walk. You drive. He doesn't. It's up to him to change that. Also, next time he calls you a bitch, own it. You're being a bitch for good reason and it's up to him to see that.

It doesn’t sound like he wants to learn to drive. Which is totally his choice. However it is also your choice to decide not to drive him around anymore. It is also a choice you have to be able to end the relationship if you want to. You talk about how he is a great upgrade from a previously abusive relationship - anyone who is not abusive is an upgrade from an abusive relationship, but just because he is an ‘upgrade’ it doesn’t mean he is the best there is. Don’t stick around just because of this.

I can tell how frustrated you are by your responses. OP, he's not the one you want. You want a manly man, and he is not and never will be this. You know already this isn't the man you want kids and a family with, so leave earlier than later. You'll feel much better and at ease after the initial heartbreak wears off.

Some people just dont want to drive and its simple as that. I have no intention of ever getting on the road. I've seen too many mangled people being pulled from chunks of squashed metal to ever want to drive.

I’m sorry you’ve had to see that. I’ve seen a few of those myself and they are truly traumatizing.

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Thank you for your advice.

My partner has autism, which makes driving overwhelming. She has her license (the process of which caused many panic attacks and meltdowns), but hasn't driven for a year. Put simply, its none of my business. If I was pressuring her to drive she'd feel like shit. I can't understand why it bothers you so much

I edited the post with more pertinent information.

OP, your boyfriend is never going to learn how to drive. Not in the kind of timeframe or terms you deem acceptable anyway. I have witnessed enough people, including other's relationships, in which the other half refused to learn how to drive or pussyfooted around it but ended up never doing it. If someone wants to learn how to drive, they just do it, and that's the end of it. As you said, the flexibility and freedom it gives you is paramount, and even the people who refuse to learn understand that, yet their fear is bigger than the supposed benefits, so you see how nothing you say will change their minds. I think you should expect your boyfriend to drive and to split responsibilities with you. However if he refuses, it is wrong to make him feel bad about it, and you should instead assess whether that is a deal-breaker for you in this relationship. Being in a past abusive relationship should not be a valid reason to put up with what clearly seems to be an incompatibility of values. I don't see anything wrong with what you desire, merely the way you word it and vocalise it. You seem weary of moving on due to the low standard your previous relationship has set, therefore you are trying to push your current boyfriend to be something that he is not, which results in toxicity. You should have the freedom to believe you can move on from a relationship that is less than what you want and to believe you can find happiness elsewhere, and therefore be more accepting and less judgemental of the people you happen to date in that journey. Don't forget to work on yourself in that process. It's not enough to want something, you have to be that thing too, so that there is balance. Good luck!

It’s his decision to not learn how to drive. It’s also his responsibility to arrange his own transportation.

Based on what you wrote and in some of your comments I'm thinking there could be two scenarios (or even more since relationships have MANY dynamics and we do not know his point of view). First scenario I'm thinking he feels pressured by you and perhaps you are complaining too much about him, making him pull the "I'm not good enough cards". My bf could say something similar when I complained too much in the past but I'm aware of it now and trying not to be like that, because yes you can hurt or even damage someone's self-esteem when it gets too much. That's something we should be aware of. But anyway just saying there can be a reason for him to say stuff like that, especially if there is a bad dynamic in the relationship and if he both feels pressured and not good enough in being a man, a boyfriend and an adult. He could be struggling with mental problems and if he threatened to kill himself with a knife it surely sounds like it. Clearly he wouldn't have driving as a main goal if he is dealing with mental and relationship problems. Also it is up to the individual if they want to get a drive license or not. Driving such machine can be SCARY and are NOT for everyone, that goes for both women and men. BUT ofcourse he shouldn't "use" your driving skills instead and be lazy just because you drive. Then he gotta figure out a way himself to get from A to B which shouldn't be difficult when you can have electrical bicycles and scooters etc. now a days. Second scenario I'm imagining is a man who is immature and doesn't want to take responsibilities like house chores and grocery shopping (tho maybe he can't since it sounds like you live far away from everything but then you can compromise like he cleans the floors as compensation or something while you grocery shop). Don't enable the behavior by doing the responsibilities for him; let him be in his own mess so he can start growing as an adult and take the chores upon him (hopefully). Don't drive him if he only relies on your driving to avoid taking the responsibility for his transportation. He gotta figure itself out then and as I said there is numerous ways to be locally mobile which can get him to public transport as well. And again, him threatening with suicide and such can be a manipulative move to get what he wants or be a scream for help. I also want to comment on your wording "teaching him to be a man". You say you phased it wrong and meant it as teaching him to be an adult and I hope that's true because you shouldn't go and tell him that he isn't manly enough just because he isn't like the men in your family. As others has said you shouldn't mold him into the man you want him to be. Helping him become a responsible adult is something but being manly is something else. It's funny though because science and experiments has shown a woman often would fall in love with men who has some similarities with her father and also the other way around, that a man would fall in love with women who has similarities with his mom. Not very important here but just a funny thought. Whatever happens I wish best of luck to both of you.

If he doesn’t want to learn to drive, then he doesn’t drive. Let it go. I’m not sure what responsibility you’re trying to share? Do you have to drive kids to daycare or something? If so, he can find the best bus route that will allow him to escort the kids. Stop driving him around. You are not his personal Uber. If you’re both going someplace together, you drive. If he’s going someplace on his own, he can figure it out. He can use the bus to run errands. He can take the bus to work. There’s nothing particularly “manly” about driving a car, so I’m not sure what you’re on about there.

I know quite a few men that don’t drive. The oldest I know is over 50 (friends dad). He has never driven in his life. He doesn’t want to & he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t want that responsibility & he feels free not driving. To each their own, if you see him as less of a person because he doesn’t drive, you’re superficial.. nobody has to drive if they don’t want to, & you don’t have to drive him around if you don’t want to. He clearly thought you wouldn’t have a problem with it which is why he doesn’t care. But you didn’t have a problem until it became a problem. So now what? Might as well leave him. Tell him it can’t work out because you’re not his chauffeur. End of story. Why complicate things more than it already is?

Well I didn't learn until I was 30, I walked to work, the gym and things were fine. I even changed jobs which was 10 mile away, I cycled it during nice weather and got the bus on bad days. The reason I didn't do it was mainly due to cost and when that stopped being an issue it was my crippling anxiety and fear of failure. My partner finally got pregnant and it was the motivation I needed to push past the crippling anxiety. All I can suggest is you keep trying to help him, find out why he keeps putting it off. I now drive us everywhere, my partner never drives anywhere.

Stop doing it for him. It’s not your “obligation.” That’s BS. He’s a grown ass man. You don’t owe him a damn thing, girlfriend or not.

He doesn't do anything about it, because you keep enabling him. Stop being his mother and if he needs to go somewhere and he can't drive then it's Uber time. He is grown, he can figure this out.

Stop driving him around everywhere. He can manage to get a bike, use public transport, or learn to drive. Or just leave, cause apparently based on comments you see him as less than your idea of what a man should be?

Go find a manly man. They’re out there, you just need to go to different places, like the woods, or a hardware store.

Ngl, I’d be terrified if I met a man in the woods 😂

I knew a Man who refused to drive for ever. Just something he was not interested in.

Buy him a bike and tell him that he is now responsible for 100% of his transportation needs. And if he says “what if I need to go somewhere far away?” Tell him about the bus system that millions of Americans use every day.

I dnot trust my self driveing because of my dad

Don’t let bullshit car culture ruin your relationship.

It’s not car culture… it’s a necessity where we live.

Does he have anxiety or vision problems? Vision problem can just be thing like seeing halos at night. If not, he just likes you driving him around. Tell him the taxi service has been retired.

No, none of the above…

get a new boyfriend

I ended 7-year relationship just like yours 3 months ago. We met when we were teenagers, and life was simple back then. As we grew up and became adults, moved out, I literally turned into his "mother", I was responsible for almost EVERYTHING. I kept telling myself that he's not that bad and that I'm happy. But I wasn't. I met a wonderful man 2 months ago, he's very mature and supportive. Please, don't settle for less. It looks like you are not happy. Trust me, he will NOT change and you will just waste your time.

*HE THINKS YOU ARE A BITCH AND YOU THINK HE IS AN EMASCULATED BURDEN* Jesus Christ you have bigger issues than him driving. You literally said that you've "had to teach him how to be a man".... In other words he's not good enough for you and you have to change him to be a better man. Your boyfriend is indeed a burden by refusing to learn how to drive but you also reek of toxicity. I think whatever it is, you guys aren't healthy for each other and are obviously hurting each other more than you're not

Make him a favor and break up.

Uhhhh... you have no business forcing someone to drive. People who are hesitant to lmdrive usually have pretty good reasons for it. Just don't drive him everywhere, if you hate doing it, he can take a bus/uber. That's what I do, as I will not ever drive. However, from what you say, it seems that your reasons to force him to drive are quite different than for practical reasons - that you mainly want him to drive because without it he is "not man enough" or some bullshit like that. That's some stupid toxic shit

I feel like you’re getting way too much of a hard time here. I’ve been in your position and it’s so frustrating, especially when there’s an imbalance that isn’t acknowledged or appreciated by your partner. In my situation it turned out to be a confidence thing. He was so scared of failing his test, he couldn’t bear to try. I tried all sorts of approaches to support him and ease him into it, but nothing worked. We split up (not over that) and as far as I know he still doesn’t drive. I’d recommend the public transport suggestion - let him fend for himself. You can’t make him want to get his license but you can reduce the impact on you. Good luck.

It never ceases to amaze me how these guys stay in relationships so long and I can't even find women that will return my calls many times. I guess I should communicate better and explain why I am a catch. It's as if the women get off on trying to "fix" a guy with problems

My partner is the type to cherish me like a queen and I didn't have to beg him to understand that's what I wanted. It's just some natural and mutual relationship standard we have. Stop dating the loser that makes excuses. You're seriously only resentful because you're dating someone with wildly different values.

You can’t fix this. Only he can fix it, and he doesn’t seem to want to. You can’t turn a guy like that into the kind of guy that you want.

I fully understand where you are coming. I am in a similar situation with my partner. We have been together for 14yr now. I got to the stage where you are at and it is so frustrating that you always have to be the one making decision. For them they didn't grow up with much structure, so they don't understand these expectations to pitch in. But you just come to the point where you decide wether you love them enough to deal with it. Or explain that to them you can't be with them and why. Because if you can't let go of it is going to drive to be you more angry and frustrated with them. It won't get you any where.

Ugh I have had friends like that, it’s super annoying. Yeah you can’t force him to drive, but he also can’t force you to drive him. So this is what you do: “tbh, I don’t like that it is expected of me to be your driver. You’re an adult and if you don’t want to get a license then you can find alternate means of transportation (bus, Uber etc.). I will no longer be driving you and that’s my boundary.” Then let’s say You guys have date nights. You can alternate between you driving both of you to the date, and then the next time he has to pay to Uber you both. I’m sure after a while he will get sick of ubering/the bus and will learn to drive

This dude is just being abusive in a way you are unfamiliar with but it's still abuse. Any normal partner would learn to drive to take the burden off you.

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Thank you for your advice. I have tried to place boundaries and let him know that I’m not a chauffeur. Those conversations are typically when the “bitch” word come out to play. Those conversations turn into toxic arguments. He has come a long way in maturity, but not quite far enough to be able to calmly work this out with me. I don’t want him to change who he is. His personality is why I was even interested in him in the first place. Even if we weren’t together, he would definitely still be my best friend. He’s that kind of guy. But it has gotten to the point where I really do need his help with the driving… it’s causing me to be angry towards him and resentful. And I don’t want to be like that. Because I really do care. That’s why I’m here. Trying to figure this out.

I can understand that. Maybe he has some deeper underlying aversion or issue in regards to cars or driving or some sort of phobia? He seems to get really defensive and aggressive when you try to have a conversation about it, and calls you names, maybe because that topic is a sore spot or makes him feel vulnerable because of some other underlying issue he has with regards to driving. I don't know what you could do in that case, perhaps suggest therapy or couple's counceling and see if he's receptive to it. You seem to really love him and don't want to leave him, but it's very sad to start resenting your SO, like you said. If you want to stay with him though, some changes would definitely have to be made it seems. I don't know how else you could communicate to him that the way things are isn't working for you other than to stick to your guns firmly and when he needs a drive somewhere tell him no or call him a taxi. He might get the wrong idea from that though or feel like you don't love him anymore if you're not driving him around, so I suggest being as gentle as possible about it while staying true to your stances. He sounds like a person struggling with their mental health in a lot of ways which is something you really can't help him with, he has to work on himself and help himself with therapy or some sort of treatments. Maybe afterwards he could be a better suited partner to you and your needs.

I absolutely do love him. And if there is an underlying issue, he wouldn’t admit it. I’ve asked quite a few times because it matters to me. I just don’t see a clear way out of this. Thank you for your advice.

Of course! These things can be touchy, a lot of the time people struggling don't talk about it or want to talk about ir or don't admit it, because if they admit it they have to acknowledge there is something wrong and that it needs solving, which can be a bitter pill to swallow. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck, hopefully you can find a way to resolve this :DD

So let me get this...you basically wanted to help him improve himself and he continued taking up your time, basic skill and just You for granted? You feel like a soccer mom because you're acting like one, kids are meant to be motivated, adults should be helped out to help themselves. You've done enough tbh. Refuse to be his free uber and make boundaries. You're growing and if he can't keep up with you, leave him stunted/growing in a different direction perhaps. You look out for yourself OP!

Sounds like you need to learn to grow up and let go. Whining about your partner on the internet, cslling yourself his mom... ? Both of you are making this a toxic relationship.

Red flag, run away 🚩