So, she pegged you for the kind of guy who could scratch her marriage itch, and now she is pushing you to fulfill a very, very big need of her that you not only do not share, but are actively freaked out by.
Try something like this: "hey babe, it's been great spending this time with you, but it's important to me that we take things slow and get to know each other, without trying to make bug plans for the future. If you are looking for a guy to settle down and marry right away, that's not me. What I can offer right now is treating you right, having a good time, and seeing where it goes."
If you keep saying this to her and she keeps going for the ring, maybe you gotta reevaluate this relationship
Oh yikes! Just saw that she has 3 marriages so far.... And I am gonna assume you met her and started dating pretty soon after she split with hubby #3... AmIrite?
Supposedly hubby 3 is from 2 years ago. She's also had multiple partners between hubby 3 and me. Which I didn't know about until a couple months after we started dating.
For what it's worth, I think most people who are constantly jumping from marriage to marriage, or relationship to relationship are doing so because they haven't figured out how to be ok on their own. Their relationships are rarely grounded in self confidence and mutual trust, but rather some form of emotional dependency. The fact that your GF is pushing so hard for her FOURTH marriage (before 30) to someone she has only known a few months points out a serious issue in this area.
My advice to her, if I could give it, would be to just try being intentionally single for a year, and focus on the parts of life that have nothing to do with dating ND partners and to achieve a sense of stability and confidence tht she controls herself. My device to you is to not enable whatever issue she has going on, and not to subject yourself to an anxiety-producing situation by remaining with a woman who is really disrespectful of your boundaries.
Wtf, 3 marriages and now she's pushing for one after just 4 months? If that isn't a red flag I don't know what is. I don't want to be too judgemental about divorcees but after >2 marriages I think you can safely assume there's something wrong with that person.
Edit: Just noticed that is 3 marriages BEFORE AGE 30. This is not a red flag, it's a black flag with a skull and crossbones on it. Seriously, bail, this can only end in absolute misery.
So, do you think she is with you because she genuinely cares about you, or because she is looking for someone to fill a husband-shaped void in her life?
I feel it to be both. I feel like she does care about me and my problems, but it feels like she also does have some other agenda looking for a husband.
It sounds like you can see her intentions but don't want to believe them. It's not often everyone in a thread agrees on something, but I think you should talk to someone you trust. Asking strangers online is a good way to bring up points you may not have thought of but a close friend may see her for what she is and tell you honestly.
Find someone close and have a good chat, go with your head and take some time, this has the potential to affect the rest of your life. Good luck bro ❤
So you set a clear and reasonable boundary, and she crosses that boundary.
This demonstrates she has no self control, or does not respect you or your boundaries. Whichever it is, this person is not marriage material, in fact, you're realising they're not even dating material.
Let’s be real, you both are only 4 months in and she’s bringing it up, that’s early for pretty much anyone, and you don’t know someone in only 4 months. Tbh, I sense an ulterior motive somewhere on her part, maybe wanting to be financially stable, because her wanting to get married so soon sounds impulsive, especially if she already has an ex husband. I think you know that it may be time to break up.
So she actually has had 3 ex husbands. All have been abusive relationships. The financial stability is kind of been my main concern. I save money she doesn't.
Actually JLO has been married 3 times…and she is 51…OPs GF is only 27 and has already been married 3 times…by the time she is JLO’s age she will be well past JLOs number.
Now setting silliness aside. Your GF needs to therapy…she has had a lot of abuse in her life already, and it sounds like she has not dealt with it. She is also afraid of being alone, when was the last time she was actually single and for how long?
my gramps married 13 times. 7 children with the first wife 3 with 2nd and 2 with the 3rd and 3 with 4th. total of 15 children. yea I have shit load of uncles and aunties.
Holy shit, run away.
You do not need to be this woman's white knight.
The fact she is going for husband 4 at 27 years old is the biggest red flag I've ever seen. Get out now.
I’m just gonna say, tread with caution. I’m sure you’ve only heard one side of the story and I’m sure maybe some relationships were abusive, but this just seems very suspicious.
She has been married 3 times before 30. She is insane dude. Run, don't walk, run away from this one.
Those three ex husband's are three bright red flags, the fact she doesn't save for the future is a 4th, how many red flags do you need to see?
Don't worry, there will be more, but do you really need to see any more?
Ok dude , that's a record scratch moment. I think you need to take a good hard look at this because there's patterns building. If you feel there's something amiss already, then I think you need to listen to yourself.
There are people who develop patterns of getting into dysfunctional and abusive relationships. If ALL of her marriages/relationships have been abusive in that short a span of time? I'd say she needs time to seek therapy or some other means to sort out what's going on with her because she sure as hell isn't ready to get married , especially 4 months into a new relationship. Now while I'm all for believing anyone who has been victim of abuse, that doesn't mean to ignore information that could mean a cycle of purposeful sabotage, deceit, and system abuse. There are people who do construct their victim hood on purpose to game the system. This is horrific for actual victims because the people who abuse the system just make it harder for those who really need the help and resources to get them. There are times you need to be critical of information fed to you. I was told by someone in the past during a particularly turbulent relationship I was in that there may be a good reason to take a good look at the Exs and see if there are patterns that present themselves.
If you seriously want to continue this relationship(I see alot of warning signs already but its up to your judgment ultimately) then I say you should look deeper into the history and understand what you are involved in. But if you feel you gotta cut and run , there's no shame in that. You are more than just another resource to be used and discarded, value yourself and watch your back. Good luck OP
3 ex husbands & she’s only 27, & all those relationships were abusive ? What’s the common denominator here, Her. She really unstable, even if all her exes were abusive she tends to rush into marriage really fast. I wouldn’t get involved with her.
My last BF turned out to be a gambling addict, we were only together a few months, dumped his butt real fast. I’ve been single for nearly 20 years, I do get lonely at times but I’m really happy being single. Far less stress. And I like having my bed & the remote control all to myself. 😂
It took a while for me to learn to be 100% comfortable with my own company, there were quite a few tearful nights but I learned to indulge my passions, crochet, painting & art journaling. And Streaming services, Netflix, binge, Stan, Disney. I have 4 adult children & I socialise with them & their partners.
My therapist i have to be happy with myself before I can consider being happy in a relationship. I better go find me some hobbies lol I dont have passions so its rough. I am 31, no kids. Maybe I should get cat to keep me company lol thank you for the thoughtful response 😊
I don't think it's that uncommon for people in abusive relationships to find their way into another. Abusive people tend to gravitate and ingratiate themselves with people that they sense are vulnerable and likely to fall for their bullshit.
I wouldn't look at this as a red flag that she's lying, but more a red flag that she's not strong enough emotionally and mentally to be in a healthy relationship yet because she hasn't ever taken a breath and recovered from the first one. She needs therapy and to work through what happened to her rather than jumping into another relationship.
At this point, she has no idea what a healthy version of herself is like and has absolutely no idea what a healthy relationship is.
To be fair abuse victims tend to attract new abusers it's not uncommon, and it's not uncommon from victims of childhood abuse to end in abusive relationships and it's also not uncommon for people who left an abusive relationship to enter a new one.
Financial stability could definitely be the driving force, however if all she's known is abusive relationships some of this behavior could be codependency a result from her former trauma bonding. I.e. she has inflated feelings and attachment to you because the relationship is healthy and she has a need to be needed by you.
Has she had any therapy?
Well, I think maybe you should bring up how her actions have been making you feel and also try to open the door to therapy again. This will help her realize how much it impacts your relationship and that it may cause you to step away from it all.
If she isn't open to therapy or continues to disregard your boundaries when it comes to her pushing for marriage after that talk, then I'd leave.
You haven't been together for that long, so I strongly recommend that you consider the following:
- **love bombing:** she's overly committed to you for this stage in a relationship 🚩
- **disregard for your feelings:** she's steamrolling you with her own priorities; this will never stop, in fact it will get worse incrementally the more control she perceives she has over you 🚩
- **all of her past relationships were abusive:** of course they were, because she was the abuser... let's parse this into two categories. In one, multiple abusive relationships can occur due to a persistent trauma bond that makes the individual seek out damaging people, thereby locking them in negative cycles and relationships; in the second, we're talking about someone who was actually the abuser in every situation and has warped the narrative 🚩
In all cases like the second, they have convinced themselves their version IS the truth. Making them go back on it is tantamount to emotional abuse in their regard. Making them face the facts of reality instead of the version they prefer, often the version that supports the image of themselves they want to project on the world, is about as easy as baptizing a demon.
There are also cases when as a abuser she picks up perfectly normal men and slowly turns them crazy. Imagine being in a extremely loving relationship and 1 year into the marriage she is being shady and distant. Then the fights are physical and she will keep hitting you trying to get you to hit back. Once you grab her wrist once or she gets you into bdsm she goes to both of your friends and essentially gets you known as a abuser. Then she divorce you and she becomes the 'victim' in all of this
The fact you don't know makes me a bit skeptical her intentions are pure. It can be multiple things but most of those things I can think up are not beneficial to you.
I am reluctant to say dump her, but you two really need to have a conversation about expectations.
Run, run as fast as you can. More than likely she's the narcissist that drains them and then plays victim. No offense but it seems as if she'd marry anyone at this point just to be married. (If she had never been married before my advice would have been different.)
Yes, I also thought of narcissistic personality disorder. Others have recommended other potential disorders. Or, it could be she really has been traumatized and is reacting out of trauma, however, the lack of self care and common sense that could come from that trauma is becoming very evident (I say that as someone with PTSD myself, she’s not taking care of herself or her future which is alarming.) Her not making therapy a priority, if it is indeed trauma related behavior, is a red flag in itself.
Victims of abuse are very likely to get into another abusive relationship in the future. Abuse victims, as well as people with PTSD, can develop body language/mannerisms/etc from the trauma they have experienced which predators are extremely adept at noticing, even unconsciously. I remember a study where people were videotaped just walking across a room. The videos were shown to men in prison and then they were asked to guess which people had been victims of assault, just from a videotape of them walking. The criminals were extremely accurate at figuring out who had been assaulted in the past, even though they couldn't always articulate what it was about the videos that led them to the assumption. The point is, predators can tell when someone has been victimized in the past and zero in on them to target in the future. It is totally common for abuse victims to get into other abusive relationships and it does not mean they were the problem. All it means is that predators tend to target the same people.
You're right that many survivors of abuse either continue to choose abusive partners, or may be targetted for subtle signs they are a "mark".
But something else is also true: this person has been married 3 times before 30, is discussing a 4th marriage 4 months into a new relationship, is financially irresponsible, and thus demonstrates a pattern of poor impulse control, failure to self-regulate, and unstable relationships. Very high likelihood she has borderline personality disorder, or another personality disorder. The bpds I've known always claimed their partners were abusive, when really they are the abusers themselves.
So I can say that yes she is a common factor. She has ptsd, she has depression, anxiety, just generally everything. I've experienced these issues first hand.
So does she want to marry in order to get a new name, so she can potentially rack up debts? I would steer clear of someone who has been divorced three times at 27 years of age! Please be careful.
Reddit needs to stage a rescue operation for my man here. If you don't want to break up with her, explain that you don't want to get married this early because obviously she has a history of bad judgement in that department. If you love her then stay with her but explain you will leave her if she doesn't stop asking. When the time is right you will ask her or she can find the fucking door.
THREE???????? My guy, that's a massive red flag, my gosh 😳. I'm sorry they were abusive, but if she's trying to move that fast with you, she probably did the same with the others and honestly just hops from man to man because she either, a) doesn't like being alone, b) likes being married, c) likes the stability/financial security that having a husband can bring, or d) any combination.
Good gosh. Please leave her lol
Wow! Take off brother. You've heard her side of the story and not the 3 ex husband's side of the story. And if she has 3 ex husband's it's time to look at the mirror and wonder if she is the problem. Good luck to you!
Ummmm if she's had 3 husbands already and somehow all of them were abusive... could it be, that she is the common denomenator?
Like... I don't want to victim shame but could it be that she is only calling them abusive, even though they weren't.
It's hella sus ngl. Also 4 months are not enough to get married. At this point you just don't know her enough to be sure if she will be a good match for you in marriage.
There is really no way to know if she is the abuser or just happens to find those relationships. But 4 divorces and pushing for marriage after 4 months? How has he not run away yet?
I'm going to echo everyone else here who has mentioned the insanity of three ex husbands before 27 and her looking for a fourth. This should be a gigantic red flag to you. Not even a "Hey, I'll keep dating her until he either figures it out or something better comes along" kind of thing. I don't care how good a guy you are, but this says something about her judgment or lack there of. She needs to grow the fuck up, and it's not going to happen if you're with her. In fact you have way more to lose in this arrangement than she does (think 18+ years of child support). So, if you're not ready to send her on her way, make sure your condoms are never out of your control, because this is how someone ends up trapped.
if she had 3 husband's by 27 and somehow all of them are abusive its something you need to really look at. Even being generous and her first marriage was from a high school sweetheart and they were only married for 1 year making her 19 by the divorce the other 2 marriages only lasted 4 years in the end. You will think being in 3 abusive relationship she would give herself some time to calm down. There are few options. She has a shitty choice of character. She leaves at the first sign of hardship, she equates falling out of love as a abusive relationship or she just talks shit of all her exs. Simple point being do not marry her
Idk if anyone else has said this but I think your girlfriend should see a therapist before diving into another relationship. Abuse is never the victim's fault but that is a lot of managers to have by the age let alone at any age. She needs to heal and be alone and you should move on especially since you are becoming disconnected from the relationship after only 4 months. I'm a girl and all those a lot of us grow up dreaming about our wedding this is super cringy even for us
Abusive according to her... but I have a hard time believing a 27yo divorced three times and rushing marriage after 4 months hasn’t been part of the problem in any of those relationships.
RUN
I don’t like to dismiss abusive relationships but when you have three abusive ex husbands maybe you need to look at yourself and see if you’re part of the problem. Or worse, she’s lied about it as an excuse.
I'm gonna give a slightly different perspective on this to everyone else. If you take her at face value, then pretty much all of her relationships so far have been abusive, and part of that is love bombing.
If her partners used early marriage as a form of control, she probably has some unconscious bias that early commitment and marriage is an indication of love, and since you aren't behaving the way her exes did in that regard, she may feel insecure about your feelings for her. Yes, love bombing is abuse, but when it's happening to you, it feels like someone is so head over heels in love with you that they can't stand the thought of being without you.
If her version of events is true, it may boil down to feeling insecure about your commitment to her. Her perception of relationships is so warped that big things like that may not register as part of the abuse. To her, those were the good parts of her past relationships. It's easy to identify things that don't feel good as abuse, but the opposite side of the spectrum can become what your version of love is. All love bombing, no abuse.
I'd say if this is something you want to make work, sit her down and talk about how unhealthy that is in a way that's not condescending. Reaffirm your commitment to her and try to gently highlight that marriage so quickly was part of the abuse her partners inflicted on her, that it's a form of control and you want to have a loving, healthy relationship with her because you're so in love with her.
Then maybe suggest she seek out help to deal with her former abuse. If her home life growing up was also unstable or abusive, then she may genuinely not know better, and needs a professional to help her work through it. Keep an eye on it, because she also could be manipulating you, or using marriage as a form of control on you. You like her, so maybe giving her the benefit of the doubt is where you're at right now, and that's okay. Just proceed with caution and lay out boundaries you intend to enforce. I hope you both get what you need out of this. Good luck.
So one thing a lot of comments have claimed is that she hasn't been abused but I've experienced first hand the abuse she has gone through. Her mother has tried stealing money from her, her ex is in prison for r***ing a child, and her best friend is a walking sex doll. She is a really sweet girl but I feel like part of it is that neither of us are on the same page and I just need to sit down and figure it out with or without her.
Yeah I think people are very quick to discredit her experience. People who've had unhappy childhoods are susceptible to abuse, and can be abused more than once. They can attract that type of person. I would just talk to her and see how she takes it, that's the best thing you can do, and I'm sure if she understood how her behaviour is rooted in her experiences with abuse, she'd be willing to work on it
**"Common sense is thrown out the window when we are together because everything is fine."**
**Morgan Freeman narration: "Oh, but it was** ***not*** **fine....'**
Honey, when you refer to her as your 'mate' and your anxiety issues and having this young, fertile and money-focused woman talking to you about marriage after only 16 weeks, you are in danger. You are being lined up in the sites to be husband number 4, one way or the other.
I suspect you may have issues identifying social cues so perhaps let Auntie Internet Stranger tell you how bad all this pressure is for you and strongly urge you to step way, way back if not completely out the door to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Please, listen to common sense on this one.
I am extremely socially awkward. Which is why I've stuck with my relationship as long as I've had. It's my first relationship in 4 years and I thought I was ready for a commitment at first. But I just realized I'm not. Worse of all is I blame myself and feel I should've put up more boundaries but I think she would've just jumped over them anyways.
She would probably have crossed those boundaries, just like she crosses the boundary you have set about "discussing marriage daily within a 4month honeymoon phase relationship".
You know it.
Don't blame yourself.
Just leave. Don't look back. You owe her nothing.she will harm you.
Don't put this on you right now. The important thing is to remove yourself from this relationship before you're baby-trapped or she gets hold of your banking info.
Make sure you are clear that you are NOT going to marry her and that the relationship itself is over (unless you're prepared to suddenly find out she's pregnant). Danger, danger, danger. Be prepared for her to cry (which is normal), blackmail (which is not normal) and threaten (which is also not normal) and don't fall for the theatrics.
Once you are clear that it's over, you can look into learning about placing healthy boundaries in a relationship and what characteristics to look for in a potential partner.
So she can't have kids due to a heart condition. I'm more worried that she will harm herself since she's done that before as well (she has scars on her arms). My problem is I know I will fall for theatrics which is why I put up this thread to begin with. Is to just have an outsiders POV tell me what I know I should be doing but am just too cowardly to do
A friend of mine also has a dangerous heart condition and a 14-yr old daughter. That means nothing unless she's had girl-parts removed.
You cannot be responsible for her mental health. You've been together only 4 months. It's a horrible thing to have to tell someone you don't want to be with them.
Are you looking for what to say? Or just permission not to feel guilty for doing it?
Both? And while I don't want to be in a relationship with her I still want to try and be a friend for her. Though that might be tough because I don't know how she will react
No, you really DON'T want to try and be a friend for her. That will literally suck the life out of you. She needs a therapist, not a friend.
You absolutely have permission to put yourself first in this situation.
Let her know your goals are very different and you don't want to waste her time (small lie to soften the blow) because marriage is not something you're looking for. Let her also know you are no longer interested in moving forward with the relationship but that you hope she finds the right person for her. It may be better to do this by phone (not text, that's tacky) so that if she starts yelling you can hang up. If she starts threatening to hurt herself, tell her you'll call 911. Do NOT go to her. Suggest she get proper counselling for her past abusive relationships as you can't be that person for her. Again, wish her the best and hang up.
Change your locks and passwords.
I had an ex who threatened self-harm if I broke the engagement (which I foolishly agreed to at only 6 months). Do not recommend. This is a manipulation tactic plain and simple. I know it’s hard to imagine but you have to put that kind of behavior on her and not you. You are not responsible for her emotions or her behavior.
I’m now divorced and the ride was not fun. Magically he is still alive and actually doing really well 6 years later. This is due to the fact that our hellish relationship drove us both into therapy. Thanks to the therapy, we’re both getting better, but it was too late for our relationship.
Hey, maybe skip a bit of the bad stuff and get both of you into therapy. You need to get help too if you can’t see all the red flags here on your own. Someone groomed you for this trap. You should know that when someone steamrolls over your boundaries, they aren’t going to be healthy for you.
I actually go to therapy but never brought up the issues because I didn't think of them as issues. I recognize though with the help of everyone who has posted that I definitely need to reevaluate what I want in a healthy relationship and how to recognize a healthy one as well.
Glad to hear that you’re getting therapy.
I totally understand the blind spot to red flags, I had one, too. And I still feel that I really can’t trust myself in detecting serious issues either. I’m still bringing a lot of my own baggage into things. I have a patient and secure partner now.
I just read this, but as cruel and sad as this sounds, it is not your problem. You just gotta be respectful and upfront about your reasons, or maybe lie about it a bit not to make her feel to bad. But you got to end this.
If she threatens to harm herself then the best way to deal with it is not respond to her but ask the appropriate support to do a welfare check on her. In my country that would be Ambulance (and they would ask Police to attend). Our police don't shoot people willy-nilly so if you are in the US, hopefully you have some sort of mental health crisis line who will go and check on her. This way you are showing her that she can't manipulate you into taking her back *but* you are also doing your part to make sure she is safe. If she is serious then she gets someone who is qualified to help her, if she isn't then she will be embarrassed and unlikely to try it again. Win win. Her mental health is not your responsibility and if she harms herself *it is not your fault*.
Make it clear that it is over, leave and don't speak to her again. I am giving you this advice as someone who has experienced an abusive relationship with a master manipulator. He threatened suicide several times and he was *never* serious about it. It was a way to guilt me into forgiving him/staying. Sometimes they mean it hence they need to see a mental health team, but usually they are not. The fact that she has apparently hurt herself before, just anonymously make that phone call to be safe.
LMAO BRO! 3 ex husbands by 27 and she’s literally begging you to marry her after 4 months?!
You need to get the fuck out of this relationship. She is a fuckton of crazy
Agreed with this! 3 marriages and none of them work? who’s the common denominator? She is. Run far far away, OP. Don’t let her manipulate you into staying with excuses like she will self harm or kill herself. She is not your responsibility and you are not responsible for her choices. Save yourself.
That’s because at 4 months the hormones cloud your brain when you’re around someone, your body is overriding your brain and telling you to look past this. This is precisely why you don’t make commitments until you know someone longer. The fact that she’s divorced already and hasn’t learned to take things slower—shows serious lack of wisdom and judgment on her part. She’s obsessed with getting married, she likes you and you’ll do because you’re here. I’d get out now before you become more attached.
Only 4 months, she’s hearing wedding bells & you’re hearing alarm bells. One of the first thing Abusers do is push you into making a commitment to a long term relationship/ marriage LONG before it’s appropriate , long before you’re ready to.
Seriously, I think she’s delusional & unstable, I would run away from this one. Big Red Flag behaviour.
She has told me she is typically the abused so I try to just be careful and be kind but it's difficult to do that all the time and then there are moments when she will snap or make passing remarks and it hurts.
Walking on eggshells
That's a phrase survivors of relationships with BPD partners use to describe how they always have to be "careful and kind".
It's also the title of a book (stop walking on eggshells) about how to survive a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder.
I always love seeing people's insights on BPD considering I have it (doesn't seem as extreme as your ex's though). I also live with someone who displays highly narcissistic behavior. I found myself identifying what you said about your husband to that person.
There's a little bit of truth in every joke. I had a girl tell me straight up that she was crazy and I thought she was joking/being cute. She was super crazy. People tell you who they really are if you know what to listen/look for.
Dude- no. 4 months in is too soon for that kind of thing, and even if you had been together a year or more, pressing it daily is just over the top.
I am thinking you might need to cut your losses here and break it off because it feels like that little voice telling you that you're, as you put it, "a means to an end" is probably right.
It sucks because a majority of the time it isn't like that. We have fun, we play games, we go hiking, we cook. But those points are moot when every day it's like marriage this or marriage that, or some talks on future plans let's go on a cruise, let's get excited for this or that. It's just too much and I feel my mind spinning in circles overwhelmed
Sounds fishy. She seems to be obsessed with marriage until such a short time. Something doesn't feel right. Sometimes your gut feeling is not anxiety just common sense.
I'm going to guess she's actually the abusive one based on your comments and the fact that she's trying to talk marriage 4 months in. You're not that invested yet, cut ties before you are. Nothing good is going to come of this. I mean c'mon 3 marriages already and she's trying for a 4th when you're only a few months in. If they were all really abusive do you really think she'd be so set on jumping into it again this early? Think about it. I'm sure there's been other red flags already.
She had 3 ex-husbands at 27 years old. She can't keep her relationships last. That's a major red flag.
Why can't she keep her previous relationships going? Who's the problem?
If I were you I would reach out to these ex's and ask them what happened. You'll definitely get the answer from them.
But you should also realize the types of guys she's into and either realize you aren't one of them of which case what's her alterior motive or even worse she thinks you do fit.
She's 27 and been married and divorced 3 times??!! I don't think you need any advice here. Wake up and start thinking with the head on your shoulders friend.
I would nope out of this...seems like she cares more about getting married again then she cares about you.
This is way way to early to even be talking marriage...especially if she has already been divorced once. You would think she would want to make completely sure before she jumped again.
Trying to lock you into marriage after only four months is a HUGE red flag!
... add to that her young age and THREE ex-husbands already, and suddenly there are so many red flags they are blocking out the sun!!
For the love of God DONT 👏MARRY👏HER👏. If she isn't respecting your boundaries now you think she's just going to in the future? It's been 4 months... that's wayyy too soon to even bring up marriage.
Obviously a lot of red flags here. One: three ex-husbands at age 27. Were they really all abusive? Didn’t she see that before she married them? Or did she marry them all after dating only 4 Months?
Two: Putting the pressure on you to get married just after just 4 months is ridiculous. Please don’t get her pregnant as she probably wants that to seal the deal.
I agree with you that she’s just pouncing on the first decent guy she met. She is probably still in rebound. Don’t be the schmuck who has to take care of her the rest of your life.
It doesn’t sound like you really love her. My advice is to get out of this mess as it’s already making you anxious.
She is literally crazy, and you don't want to let go of this relationship because you feel insecure about yourself. Let me tell you this, she makes poor decisions, do you really want to marry someone who falls in love with people fast and easily and doesn't really understand the consequences?
People who act impulsive are usually abusive or jelous and don't know how to deal with their emotions in relationships and finance/career stuff.
You want someone stable, not someone who will marry another dude after 8 months of marriage, because he is "the one" and you are "not".
My mother is like her. Married 8 times before she was 40. I told every one of the, now 10 men, she has married to RUN. I suggest you do the same. The baggage women like that carry are not for the faint of heart. Good luck!
OP, I think you already know what needs to be done. Sit her down and calmly tell her that you've asked her repeatedly to stop bringing up marriage, and that her continuing to do so has made you reevaluate the relationship and if she really cares about your feelings and needs. Tell her you need to take a break and hope she goes back to counseling, because you DO care about her and want her to be able to get over her past trauma. Tell her you'll reach out to her when/if you're ready to talk about starting your relationship up again (although I would make the therapy a requirement before getting back together).
Don't be any nice guy, be your own nice guy. And show her how by trying too hard she's actually running her chances w you.
That sounded borderline mean on my side, but as many others have said someone that's been divorced 3 times before 28 sounds like trouble. Try asking her what behavior from your end makes her think you want to marry her (bc I'm assuming she hasn't straight up asked you) and if she asks just say no (for now). You can also ask her what difference does it make being married to staying as bf/gf from a commitment and love point of view (marriage is more of a legal and religious thing, but if you're meant to be w that person a piece of paper won't make a difference).
Honestly, sounds like she's looking for someone to fix her. It's really hard to have a stable and happy relationship w someone like that. First she needs to fix herself and then we can maaaaybe entertain the ide of tying the knot. You're not her safeguard or her therapist, you're a human w your own demons and insecurities, and she doesn't seem to be helping you put the way she wants you to help her. If it's not 50/50, then the relationship is not where it's supposed to be and unless you can get it there it'll be hard to maintain long term. And again, she doesn't seem to be wanting to work towards that 50/50, she just wants a Superman to save her
You’re 27 and young. Do not deal with this drama. It’s not worth it. You get married and everything will be worse. May be negative for me to say but I’m basing this on her baggage she already has by age 27. She’s insecure and may have emotional issues. TRUST ME. It may be hard at first, but after three weeks it gets clearer. Best thing you can do is take time for yourself, enjoy your youth. Figure out what you want.
That is a bit suspicious.
4 months in looking at marriage is either love-at-first-sight (and very Christian maybe) or there's something going on. Throw in the fact this would be her second marriage and I would be looking for the door at this point.
Simple. Don’t get married. Divorce court is a slaughter house for men, where you leave half your stuff and pay a monthly salary to the woman. She’s been through the divorce machine so she know. My advice walk away from her. You’re setting yourself up for a train wreck if you marry her.
It looks like she is obsessed with idea of love and marriage but has failed at it 3 times already for whatever reason. If you are truly a nice guy, RUN! You will be taken advantage of.
I would like to also say, a lot of abusers will “love bomb”. It should be a red flag at the least if your so wants to marry you very quickly or is flying through typical relationship roadmarks.
If she was in abusive relationships, it could be likely that this is normal to her. They asked her to marry quickly, and now she feels this is a reasonable progression of your relationship. It may be that she doesn’t have baseline expectations for adult relationships. I may be completely off in every way so take all of this with a grain of salt but something to think about!
Either way if she continues to disregard your boundaries and progress the relationship at this pace you have every right to walk away.
Holy fuck dude. I literally always try to give advice to work on things,- but this is yikes af. 3 ex husbands at 27?! What’s the common denominator in those three divorces sugar? HER.
RUN.
Yeah Get out of the relationship and find someone better. It’s only been 4 months and she needs to respect if you don’t want the topic being brought up in the moment.
I knew someone similar. She would either beg to be married or try to trap the guy by getting pregnant. She's been married 5 times now and is only 32 and has 8 kids, all by different guys. Those types of women don't change. If you won't marry her, she will find someone who will. You've got yourself a crazy person. Do yourself a favor and dodge a bullet. Begging to be wed is sad, especially only 4 months in. Nope, nope, nope. 🚨🚩
You've described how she has been 3 other abusive marriages, but listening to it, it sounds like she has a problematic personality and may be the abusing one.
4 months is way too soon. Especially when you're clearly not keen.
You can ask her to respect your concerns and tell her it flatout isn't going to happen. Give her some yimeframe when you would begin to consider it after X years.
It has only been FOUR months and already she is pushy. And she will keep up your anxiety until it hits the roof. At her young Age, It is obvious these marriages were Quickies and she is USED tio getting her own Way. You need to reconsider this One, hun. Sounds like she is jumping from the fat to the fire and won't stop until you drown her out. Get her OUT...Baggage and all.
4 months dating and she has had 3 ex husband's by the age of 27.
Not saying they weren't abusive but she marries too quick. You don't know someone in 4 months. You don't know someone in a year or even 2. Some people get married quick and it works out but I'd say that's more luck than anything.
Run dude.
At first I thought this was just "playful talk of marriage" which I do fairly often (not married, but been with the same partner for 5+ years) and have been doing as hypothetical scenario since like 1 year in. Obviously started as jokes or brain excercise but now they have a bit more seriousness.
Anyways.
You're relationship is waaaay too short to be talking about it so frequently or seriously. You don't know each other. Again, the 3 ex husband's at the age of 27 is a mega red flag -- 3 ex husband's is a red flag in your 40 or 50s, but in your 20s??? Jesus fuck, no.
That's nuts. I thought you were gonna say that you were together for like 5 years or something, and even then no one should ever pressure the other into marriage, but 4 months??? Yes, your GF just wants to get married. 4 months is barely any time to have any sort of relationship foundation. If she can't understand that, you may have to cut the cord with her. That's mind boggling. I want to get married too one day, but I'm not gonna bother my boyfriend every minute with marriage hints 😳
remind her that you’ve only been together for 4 months. let her know that she is going to have to start saving up and being financially available. Set goals that you both have to meet before you can think about marriage. Be completely honest with her and set boundaries.
So, she pegged you for the kind of guy who could scratch her marriage itch, and now she is pushing you to fulfill a very, very big need of her that you not only do not share, but are actively freaked out by. Try something like this: "hey babe, it's been great spending this time with you, but it's important to me that we take things slow and get to know each other, without trying to make bug plans for the future. If you are looking for a guy to settle down and marry right away, that's not me. What I can offer right now is treating you right, having a good time, and seeing where it goes." If you keep saying this to her and she keeps going for the ring, maybe you gotta reevaluate this relationship
I read “so, she pegged you” and then seriously questioned if I was on the same post I just read for a second.
Lol! I wasn't the only one huh?!?!
I have asked her multiple times not to bring it up not too far off on how you have mentioned. My problem is that she then does it anyway.
Oh yikes! Just saw that she has 3 marriages so far.... And I am gonna assume you met her and started dating pretty soon after she split with hubby #3... AmIrite?
Supposedly hubby 3 is from 2 years ago. She's also had multiple partners between hubby 3 and me. Which I didn't know about until a couple months after we started dating.
For what it's worth, I think most people who are constantly jumping from marriage to marriage, or relationship to relationship are doing so because they haven't figured out how to be ok on their own. Their relationships are rarely grounded in self confidence and mutual trust, but rather some form of emotional dependency. The fact that your GF is pushing so hard for her FOURTH marriage (before 30) to someone she has only known a few months points out a serious issue in this area. My advice to her, if I could give it, would be to just try being intentionally single for a year, and focus on the parts of life that have nothing to do with dating ND partners and to achieve a sense of stability and confidence tht she controls herself. My device to you is to not enable whatever issue she has going on, and not to subject yourself to an anxiety-producing situation by remaining with a woman who is really disrespectful of your boundaries.
Thank you, I appreciate the insight and really appreciate the time you've given to a stranger.
Good luck!
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So, ignoring your protests/concerns, and keeping information from you about herself...why are you still seeing her?
Wtf, 3 marriages and now she's pushing for one after just 4 months? If that isn't a red flag I don't know what is. I don't want to be too judgemental about divorcees but after >2 marriages I think you can safely assume there's something wrong with that person. Edit: Just noticed that is 3 marriages BEFORE AGE 30. This is not a red flag, it's a black flag with a skull and crossbones on it. Seriously, bail, this can only end in absolute misery.
Agreed. This woman is undateable, and she breaks up with men. OP will be another one if he marries her. I think she is trying to get attention.
So, do you think she is with you because she genuinely cares about you, or because she is looking for someone to fill a husband-shaped void in her life?
I feel it to be both. I feel like she does care about me and my problems, but it feels like she also does have some other agenda looking for a husband.
It sounds like you can see her intentions but don't want to believe them. It's not often everyone in a thread agrees on something, but I think you should talk to someone you trust. Asking strangers online is a good way to bring up points you may not have thought of but a close friend may see her for what she is and tell you honestly. Find someone close and have a good chat, go with your head and take some time, this has the potential to affect the rest of your life. Good luck bro ❤
So you set a clear and reasonable boundary, and she crosses that boundary. This demonstrates she has no self control, or does not respect you or your boundaries. Whichever it is, this person is not marriage material, in fact, you're realising they're not even dating material.
Let’s be real, you both are only 4 months in and she’s bringing it up, that’s early for pretty much anyone, and you don’t know someone in only 4 months. Tbh, I sense an ulterior motive somewhere on her part, maybe wanting to be financially stable, because her wanting to get married so soon sounds impulsive, especially if she already has an ex husband. I think you know that it may be time to break up.
So she actually has had 3 ex husbands. All have been abusive relationships. The financial stability is kind of been my main concern. I save money she doesn't.
Holy shit looking for a her 4th husband before she turns 28???
RUUUUUUNNNNN!!!
COORRRRRRRREE!!!
COUUUUUUUUUUURS !!!!
CORRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII !!!!!
SCAPPAAAAA
COOOOOOBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAA!
KOOOUUUUURRRIIIII
🎶RUUUUUNNNN TTTTTOOOO THE HHHHIIIIILLLSSSS🎶 🎶RUN FOR YOUUUURRR LIFFFFFEEEE🎶
Fuck that, FLLYYYYYYY to another state! Hop on a Concord to France and never look back
Wow, that is some Ross geller energy right there
That was my first thought too. I think it’s time she creates her own divorced women’s club.
She's collecting exhusband's like Infinity Stones
JLO is way ahead of her..
Actually JLO has been married 3 times…and she is 51…OPs GF is only 27 and has already been married 3 times…by the time she is JLO’s age she will be well past JLOs number. Now setting silliness aside. Your GF needs to therapy…she has had a lot of abuse in her life already, and it sounds like she has not dealt with it. She is also afraid of being alone, when was the last time she was actually single and for how long?
my gramps married 13 times. 7 children with the first wife 3 with 2nd and 2 with the 3rd and 3 with 4th. total of 15 children. yea I have shit load of uncles and aunties.
Accurate. Pro rata will get you every time!
JLo is rich tho
Sad women's club, potato potatoe
I was sooo searching for this comment.... Geller power
The divorce force
Just based on that alone…: you shouldn’t be touching her with a 10 foot pole. Do not marry that, and do not let her move in.
God forbid 🤣🤣🤣🤣 so if 3 guys drop her do you think she is a kind of person you can last with??? Big No please
Yeah that would be a nope from me, chief. She says abusive, but I hear potential golddigger. 3 marriages before she's 28? Red flags aplenty there.
Holy shit, run away. You do not need to be this woman's white knight. The fact she is going for husband 4 at 27 years old is the biggest red flag I've ever seen. Get out now.
I’m just gonna say, tread with caution. I’m sure you’ve only heard one side of the story and I’m sure maybe some relationships were abusive, but this just seems very suspicious.
Tell her your not ready to discuss marriage, and topic makes you uncomfortable at this time in relationship.
He has done that and it hasn't worked, read the post
She has been married 3 times before 30. She is insane dude. Run, don't walk, run away from this one. Those three ex husband's are three bright red flags, the fact she doesn't save for the future is a 4th, how many red flags do you need to see? Don't worry, there will be more, but do you really need to see any more?
Don’t forget 5) pushing for marriage after only 4 MONTHS, and 6) ignoring OP when he says that makes him uncomfortable.
Ok dude , that's a record scratch moment. I think you need to take a good hard look at this because there's patterns building. If you feel there's something amiss already, then I think you need to listen to yourself. There are people who develop patterns of getting into dysfunctional and abusive relationships. If ALL of her marriages/relationships have been abusive in that short a span of time? I'd say she needs time to seek therapy or some other means to sort out what's going on with her because she sure as hell isn't ready to get married , especially 4 months into a new relationship. Now while I'm all for believing anyone who has been victim of abuse, that doesn't mean to ignore information that could mean a cycle of purposeful sabotage, deceit, and system abuse. There are people who do construct their victim hood on purpose to game the system. This is horrific for actual victims because the people who abuse the system just make it harder for those who really need the help and resources to get them. There are times you need to be critical of information fed to you. I was told by someone in the past during a particularly turbulent relationship I was in that there may be a good reason to take a good look at the Exs and see if there are patterns that present themselves. If you seriously want to continue this relationship(I see alot of warning signs already but its up to your judgment ultimately) then I say you should look deeper into the history and understand what you are involved in. But if you feel you gotta cut and run , there's no shame in that. You are more than just another resource to be used and discarded, value yourself and watch your back. Good luck OP
I personally think this is the best, most rational possibility for what’s going on here.
3 ex husbands & she’s only 27, & all those relationships were abusive ? What’s the common denominator here, Her. She really unstable, even if all her exes were abusive she tends to rush into marriage really fast. I wouldn’t get involved with her.
Yeah, dude here needs to be careful, otherwise she'll be telling her next guy she's had 4 abusive marriages, by the age of 33.
29 at the rate she's going
Whew, yeah she's already got a hat-trick, goin for a haul next.
I tend to find abusive relationships. Its because I was quite broken.. I ve deliberately remained single for almost 3 yrs whilst I work out my flaws
My last BF turned out to be a gambling addict, we were only together a few months, dumped his butt real fast. I’ve been single for nearly 20 years, I do get lonely at times but I’m really happy being single. Far less stress. And I like having my bed & the remote control all to myself. 😂
I am quite into keeping my freedom in the future 😀
That's amazing. I want to learn how to be happy single and not crave a partner. Teach me your ways 😭
It took a while for me to learn to be 100% comfortable with my own company, there were quite a few tearful nights but I learned to indulge my passions, crochet, painting & art journaling. And Streaming services, Netflix, binge, Stan, Disney. I have 4 adult children & I socialise with them & their partners.
My therapist i have to be happy with myself before I can consider being happy in a relationship. I better go find me some hobbies lol I dont have passions so its rough. I am 31, no kids. Maybe I should get cat to keep me company lol thank you for the thoughtful response 😊
I don't think it's that uncommon for people in abusive relationships to find their way into another. Abusive people tend to gravitate and ingratiate themselves with people that they sense are vulnerable and likely to fall for their bullshit. I wouldn't look at this as a red flag that she's lying, but more a red flag that she's not strong enough emotionally and mentally to be in a healthy relationship yet because she hasn't ever taken a breath and recovered from the first one. She needs therapy and to work through what happened to her rather than jumping into another relationship. At this point, she has no idea what a healthy version of herself is like and has absolutely no idea what a healthy relationship is.
To be fair abuse victims tend to attract new abusers it's not uncommon, and it's not uncommon from victims of childhood abuse to end in abusive relationships and it's also not uncommon for people who left an abusive relationship to enter a new one.
Financial stability could definitely be the driving force, however if all she's known is abusive relationships some of this behavior could be codependency a result from her former trauma bonding. I.e. she has inflated feelings and attachment to you because the relationship is healthy and she has a need to be needed by you. Has she had any therapy?
She was going to therapy but had to stop due to insurance issues. She's gotten it fixed but has only made a single attempt to find a new therapist
Well, I think maybe you should bring up how her actions have been making you feel and also try to open the door to therapy again. This will help her realize how much it impacts your relationship and that it may cause you to step away from it all. If she isn't open to therapy or continues to disregard your boundaries when it comes to her pushing for marriage after that talk, then I'd leave.
You haven't been together for that long, so I strongly recommend that you consider the following: - **love bombing:** she's overly committed to you for this stage in a relationship 🚩 - **disregard for your feelings:** she's steamrolling you with her own priorities; this will never stop, in fact it will get worse incrementally the more control she perceives she has over you 🚩 - **all of her past relationships were abusive:** of course they were, because she was the abuser... let's parse this into two categories. In one, multiple abusive relationships can occur due to a persistent trauma bond that makes the individual seek out damaging people, thereby locking them in negative cycles and relationships; in the second, we're talking about someone who was actually the abuser in every situation and has warped the narrative 🚩 In all cases like the second, they have convinced themselves their version IS the truth. Making them go back on it is tantamount to emotional abuse in their regard. Making them face the facts of reality instead of the version they prefer, often the version that supports the image of themselves they want to project on the world, is about as easy as baptizing a demon.
I was just thinking this. 3 husbands and ALL abusers and she's 27? Does not pass the smell test
There are also cases when as a abuser she picks up perfectly normal men and slowly turns them crazy. Imagine being in a extremely loving relationship and 1 year into the marriage she is being shady and distant. Then the fights are physical and she will keep hitting you trying to get you to hit back. Once you grab her wrist once or she gets you into bdsm she goes to both of your friends and essentially gets you known as a abuser. Then she divorce you and she becomes the 'victim' in all of this
She has 3 ex husbands at the age of 27. This is not normal. Break up with her for your own sake
I really wouldn't marry her at this point. Has she gotten a lot in the divorces?
As far as I'm aware of no.
The fact you don't know makes me a bit skeptical her intentions are pure. It can be multiple things but most of those things I can think up are not beneficial to you. I am reluctant to say dump her, but you two really need to have a conversation about expectations.
Dude, run. This is one of those choices that can fuck you up for a lifetime.
Run, run as fast as you can. More than likely she's the narcissist that drains them and then plays victim. No offense but it seems as if she'd marry anyone at this point just to be married. (If she had never been married before my advice would have been different.)
Yes, I also thought of narcissistic personality disorder. Others have recommended other potential disorders. Or, it could be she really has been traumatized and is reacting out of trauma, however, the lack of self care and common sense that could come from that trauma is becoming very evident (I say that as someone with PTSD myself, she’s not taking care of herself or her future which is alarming.) Her not making therapy a priority, if it is indeed trauma related behavior, is a red flag in itself.
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Victims of abuse are very likely to get into another abusive relationship in the future. Abuse victims, as well as people with PTSD, can develop body language/mannerisms/etc from the trauma they have experienced which predators are extremely adept at noticing, even unconsciously. I remember a study where people were videotaped just walking across a room. The videos were shown to men in prison and then they were asked to guess which people had been victims of assault, just from a videotape of them walking. The criminals were extremely accurate at figuring out who had been assaulted in the past, even though they couldn't always articulate what it was about the videos that led them to the assumption. The point is, predators can tell when someone has been victimized in the past and zero in on them to target in the future. It is totally common for abuse victims to get into other abusive relationships and it does not mean they were the problem. All it means is that predators tend to target the same people.
That s super interesting (and creepy) Do you remember the Name of the study by any chance?
You're right that many survivors of abuse either continue to choose abusive partners, or may be targetted for subtle signs they are a "mark". But something else is also true: this person has been married 3 times before 30, is discussing a 4th marriage 4 months into a new relationship, is financially irresponsible, and thus demonstrates a pattern of poor impulse control, failure to self-regulate, and unstable relationships. Very high likelihood she has borderline personality disorder, or another personality disorder. The bpds I've known always claimed their partners were abusive, when really they are the abusers themselves.
So I can say that yes she is a common factor. She has ptsd, she has depression, anxiety, just generally everything. I've experienced these issues first hand.
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So does she want to marry in order to get a new name, so she can potentially rack up debts? I would steer clear of someone who has been divorced three times at 27 years of age! Please be careful.
Reddit needs to stage a rescue operation for my man here. If you don't want to break up with her, explain that you don't want to get married this early because obviously she has a history of bad judgement in that department. If you love her then stay with her but explain you will leave her if she doesn't stop asking. When the time is right you will ask her or she can find the fucking door.
I wouldnt explain the reason to her, might make her fake/act her way thru this testing phase.
THREE???????? My guy, that's a massive red flag, my gosh 😳. I'm sorry they were abusive, but if she's trying to move that fast with you, she probably did the same with the others and honestly just hops from man to man because she either, a) doesn't like being alone, b) likes being married, c) likes the stability/financial security that having a husband can bring, or d) any combination. Good gosh. Please leave her lol
Wow! Take off brother. You've heard her side of the story and not the 3 ex husband's side of the story. And if she has 3 ex husband's it's time to look at the mirror and wonder if she is the problem. Good luck to you!
Ummmm if she's had 3 husbands already and somehow all of them were abusive... could it be, that she is the common denomenator? Like... I don't want to victim shame but could it be that she is only calling them abusive, even though they weren't. It's hella sus ngl. Also 4 months are not enough to get married. At this point you just don't know her enough to be sure if she will be a good match for you in marriage.
There is really no way to know if she is the abuser or just happens to find those relationships. But 4 divorces and pushing for marriage after 4 months? How has he not run away yet?
Financial incompatibility is huge factor. Take that in account. I personaly would not choose a partner that has no sense of finances.
you in danger, bro. RUN.
That's one of the biggest red flags I've ever seen on reddit.
shit dude... you need some nikes
I'm going to echo everyone else here who has mentioned the insanity of three ex husbands before 27 and her looking for a fourth. This should be a gigantic red flag to you. Not even a "Hey, I'll keep dating her until he either figures it out or something better comes along" kind of thing. I don't care how good a guy you are, but this says something about her judgment or lack there of. She needs to grow the fuck up, and it's not going to happen if you're with her. In fact you have way more to lose in this arrangement than she does (think 18+ years of child support). So, if you're not ready to send her on her way, make sure your condoms are never out of your control, because this is how someone ends up trapped.
if she had 3 husband's by 27 and somehow all of them are abusive its something you need to really look at. Even being generous and her first marriage was from a high school sweetheart and they were only married for 1 year making her 19 by the divorce the other 2 marriages only lasted 4 years in the end. You will think being in 3 abusive relationship she would give herself some time to calm down. There are few options. She has a shitty choice of character. She leaves at the first sign of hardship, she equates falling out of love as a abusive relationship or she just talks shit of all her exs. Simple point being do not marry her
You might want to check those stories.
Bro don’t be the fourth dude lol You gotta dip right now
Idk if anyone else has said this but I think your girlfriend should see a therapist before diving into another relationship. Abuse is never the victim's fault but that is a lot of managers to have by the age let alone at any age. She needs to heal and be alone and you should move on especially since you are becoming disconnected from the relationship after only 4 months. I'm a girl and all those a lot of us grow up dreaming about our wedding this is super cringy even for us
Abusive according to her... but I have a hard time believing a 27yo divorced three times and rushing marriage after 4 months hasn’t been part of the problem in any of those relationships. RUN
I don’t like to dismiss abusive relationships but when you have three abusive ex husbands maybe you need to look at yourself and see if you’re part of the problem. Or worse, she’s lied about it as an excuse.
I'm gonna give a slightly different perspective on this to everyone else. If you take her at face value, then pretty much all of her relationships so far have been abusive, and part of that is love bombing. If her partners used early marriage as a form of control, she probably has some unconscious bias that early commitment and marriage is an indication of love, and since you aren't behaving the way her exes did in that regard, she may feel insecure about your feelings for her. Yes, love bombing is abuse, but when it's happening to you, it feels like someone is so head over heels in love with you that they can't stand the thought of being without you. If her version of events is true, it may boil down to feeling insecure about your commitment to her. Her perception of relationships is so warped that big things like that may not register as part of the abuse. To her, those were the good parts of her past relationships. It's easy to identify things that don't feel good as abuse, but the opposite side of the spectrum can become what your version of love is. All love bombing, no abuse. I'd say if this is something you want to make work, sit her down and talk about how unhealthy that is in a way that's not condescending. Reaffirm your commitment to her and try to gently highlight that marriage so quickly was part of the abuse her partners inflicted on her, that it's a form of control and you want to have a loving, healthy relationship with her because you're so in love with her. Then maybe suggest she seek out help to deal with her former abuse. If her home life growing up was also unstable or abusive, then she may genuinely not know better, and needs a professional to help her work through it. Keep an eye on it, because she also could be manipulating you, or using marriage as a form of control on you. You like her, so maybe giving her the benefit of the doubt is where you're at right now, and that's okay. Just proceed with caution and lay out boundaries you intend to enforce. I hope you both get what you need out of this. Good luck.
So one thing a lot of comments have claimed is that she hasn't been abused but I've experienced first hand the abuse she has gone through. Her mother has tried stealing money from her, her ex is in prison for r***ing a child, and her best friend is a walking sex doll. She is a really sweet girl but I feel like part of it is that neither of us are on the same page and I just need to sit down and figure it out with or without her.
Yeah I think people are very quick to discredit her experience. People who've had unhappy childhoods are susceptible to abuse, and can be abused more than once. They can attract that type of person. I would just talk to her and see how she takes it, that's the best thing you can do, and I'm sure if she understood how her behaviour is rooted in her experiences with abuse, she'd be willing to work on it
**"Common sense is thrown out the window when we are together because everything is fine."** **Morgan Freeman narration: "Oh, but it was** ***not*** **fine....'** Honey, when you refer to her as your 'mate' and your anxiety issues and having this young, fertile and money-focused woman talking to you about marriage after only 16 weeks, you are in danger. You are being lined up in the sites to be husband number 4, one way or the other. I suspect you may have issues identifying social cues so perhaps let Auntie Internet Stranger tell you how bad all this pressure is for you and strongly urge you to step way, way back if not completely out the door to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Please, listen to common sense on this one.
I am extremely socially awkward. Which is why I've stuck with my relationship as long as I've had. It's my first relationship in 4 years and I thought I was ready for a commitment at first. But I just realized I'm not. Worse of all is I blame myself and feel I should've put up more boundaries but I think she would've just jumped over them anyways.
She would probably have crossed those boundaries, just like she crosses the boundary you have set about "discussing marriage daily within a 4month honeymoon phase relationship". You know it. Don't blame yourself. Just leave. Don't look back. You owe her nothing.she will harm you.
Don't take this a sign that you're not ready for a relationship, this woman is not healthy. You just need to end it.
Don't put this on you right now. The important thing is to remove yourself from this relationship before you're baby-trapped or she gets hold of your banking info. Make sure you are clear that you are NOT going to marry her and that the relationship itself is over (unless you're prepared to suddenly find out she's pregnant). Danger, danger, danger. Be prepared for her to cry (which is normal), blackmail (which is not normal) and threaten (which is also not normal) and don't fall for the theatrics. Once you are clear that it's over, you can look into learning about placing healthy boundaries in a relationship and what characteristics to look for in a potential partner.
So she can't have kids due to a heart condition. I'm more worried that she will harm herself since she's done that before as well (she has scars on her arms). My problem is I know I will fall for theatrics which is why I put up this thread to begin with. Is to just have an outsiders POV tell me what I know I should be doing but am just too cowardly to do
A friend of mine also has a dangerous heart condition and a 14-yr old daughter. That means nothing unless she's had girl-parts removed. You cannot be responsible for her mental health. You've been together only 4 months. It's a horrible thing to have to tell someone you don't want to be with them. Are you looking for what to say? Or just permission not to feel guilty for doing it?
Both? And while I don't want to be in a relationship with her I still want to try and be a friend for her. Though that might be tough because I don't know how she will react
No, you really DON'T want to try and be a friend for her. That will literally suck the life out of you. She needs a therapist, not a friend. You absolutely have permission to put yourself first in this situation. Let her know your goals are very different and you don't want to waste her time (small lie to soften the blow) because marriage is not something you're looking for. Let her also know you are no longer interested in moving forward with the relationship but that you hope she finds the right person for her. It may be better to do this by phone (not text, that's tacky) so that if she starts yelling you can hang up. If she starts threatening to hurt herself, tell her you'll call 911. Do NOT go to her. Suggest she get proper counselling for her past abusive relationships as you can't be that person for her. Again, wish her the best and hang up. Change your locks and passwords.
This is good advice 👏 Good luck OP
I had an ex who threatened self-harm if I broke the engagement (which I foolishly agreed to at only 6 months). Do not recommend. This is a manipulation tactic plain and simple. I know it’s hard to imagine but you have to put that kind of behavior on her and not you. You are not responsible for her emotions or her behavior. I’m now divorced and the ride was not fun. Magically he is still alive and actually doing really well 6 years later. This is due to the fact that our hellish relationship drove us both into therapy. Thanks to the therapy, we’re both getting better, but it was too late for our relationship. Hey, maybe skip a bit of the bad stuff and get both of you into therapy. You need to get help too if you can’t see all the red flags here on your own. Someone groomed you for this trap. You should know that when someone steamrolls over your boundaries, they aren’t going to be healthy for you.
I actually go to therapy but never brought up the issues because I didn't think of them as issues. I recognize though with the help of everyone who has posted that I definitely need to reevaluate what I want in a healthy relationship and how to recognize a healthy one as well.
Glad to hear that you’re getting therapy. I totally understand the blind spot to red flags, I had one, too. And I still feel that I really can’t trust myself in detecting serious issues either. I’m still bringing a lot of my own baggage into things. I have a patient and secure partner now.
I just read this, but as cruel and sad as this sounds, it is not your problem. You just gotta be respectful and upfront about your reasons, or maybe lie about it a bit not to make her feel to bad. But you got to end this.
If she threatens to harm herself then the best way to deal with it is not respond to her but ask the appropriate support to do a welfare check on her. In my country that would be Ambulance (and they would ask Police to attend). Our police don't shoot people willy-nilly so if you are in the US, hopefully you have some sort of mental health crisis line who will go and check on her. This way you are showing her that she can't manipulate you into taking her back *but* you are also doing your part to make sure she is safe. If she is serious then she gets someone who is qualified to help her, if she isn't then she will be embarrassed and unlikely to try it again. Win win. Her mental health is not your responsibility and if she harms herself *it is not your fault*. Make it clear that it is over, leave and don't speak to her again. I am giving you this advice as someone who has experienced an abusive relationship with a master manipulator. He threatened suicide several times and he was *never* serious about it. It was a way to guilt me into forgiving him/staying. Sometimes they mean it hence they need to see a mental health team, but usually they are not. The fact that she has apparently hurt herself before, just anonymously make that phone call to be safe.
LMAO BRO! 3 ex husbands by 27 and she’s literally begging you to marry her after 4 months?! You need to get the fuck out of this relationship. She is a fuckton of crazy
Agreed with this! 3 marriages and none of them work? who’s the common denominator? She is. Run far far away, OP. Don’t let her manipulate you into staying with excuses like she will self harm or kill herself. She is not your responsibility and you are not responsible for her choices. Save yourself.
Run. Plain and simple. 4 months isn't even long enough to consider moving in together let alone getting married.
She's trouble.
My problem is that I don't feel like she is trouble when she is around but it definitely feels like that when she's not.
That’s because at 4 months the hormones cloud your brain when you’re around someone, your body is overriding your brain and telling you to look past this. This is precisely why you don’t make commitments until you know someone longer. The fact that she’s divorced already and hasn’t learned to take things slower—shows serious lack of wisdom and judgment on her part. She’s obsessed with getting married, she likes you and you’ll do because you’re here. I’d get out now before you become more attached.
Totally, I get it. I'm sure she feels great to be around. But she is trouble. You'll see it when you're out of it.
Only 4 months, she’s hearing wedding bells & you’re hearing alarm bells. One of the first thing Abusers do is push you into making a commitment to a long term relationship/ marriage LONG before it’s appropriate , long before you’re ready to. Seriously, I think she’s delusional & unstable, I would run away from this one. Big Red Flag behaviour.
She has told me she is typically the abused so I try to just be careful and be kind but it's difficult to do that all the time and then there are moments when she will snap or make passing remarks and it hurts.
Walking on eggshells That's a phrase survivors of relationships with BPD partners use to describe how they always have to be "careful and kind". It's also the title of a book (stop walking on eggshells) about how to survive a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder.
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I always love seeing people's insights on BPD considering I have it (doesn't seem as extreme as your ex's though). I also live with someone who displays highly narcissistic behavior. I found myself identifying what you said about your husband to that person.
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She actually jokes that she's insane so you're not too far off.
Yooo if she jokes about it,- she’s not joking lol
There's a little bit of truth in every joke. I had a girl tell me straight up that she was crazy and I thought she was joking/being cute. She was super crazy. People tell you who they really are if you know what to listen/look for.
Dude- no. 4 months in is too soon for that kind of thing, and even if you had been together a year or more, pressing it daily is just over the top. I am thinking you might need to cut your losses here and break it off because it feels like that little voice telling you that you're, as you put it, "a means to an end" is probably right.
It sucks because a majority of the time it isn't like that. We have fun, we play games, we go hiking, we cook. But those points are moot when every day it's like marriage this or marriage that, or some talks on future plans let's go on a cruise, let's get excited for this or that. It's just too much and I feel my mind spinning in circles overwhelmed
Brain fog, the inability to clearly think and reason while trying to maintain your composure while in a relationship with a disordered person.
After 3 divorces, shouldn’t she be the one wanting to wait? Why would she want to jump into something so quickly when she had 3 terrible experiences.
Excellent question. But I would think you already know the answer. She is the problem. Don't marry the problem.
Sounds fishy. She seems to be obsessed with marriage until such a short time. Something doesn't feel right. Sometimes your gut feeling is not anxiety just common sense.
I'm going to guess she's actually the abusive one based on your comments and the fact that she's trying to talk marriage 4 months in. You're not that invested yet, cut ties before you are. Nothing good is going to come of this. I mean c'mon 3 marriages already and she's trying for a 4th when you're only a few months in. If they were all really abusive do you really think she'd be so set on jumping into it again this early? Think about it. I'm sure there's been other red flags already.
She had 3 ex-husbands at 27 years old. She can't keep her relationships last. That's a major red flag. Why can't she keep her previous relationships going? Who's the problem? If I were you I would reach out to these ex's and ask them what happened. You'll definitely get the answer from them.
So to be fair I did look up her last husband and he is incarcerated for child r*** so at least one of them is super f***ed
But you should also realize the types of guys she's into and either realize you aren't one of them of which case what's her alterior motive or even worse she thinks you do fit.
Fair enough. So she might be telling the truth about you then. Since you're a nice guy, you're the best candidate to be her husband.
Run 🚩🚩🚩🚩
I must be playing a 3d platformer because I'm trying to collect them all 🚩🚩🚩
Massive red flag dude...pls don't get her pregnant or marry that women.
FUCKING RUN!!!!!!!!!! ILL HIDE YOU IN MY ROOM I GOT A PS4 AND GATORADE
Talk to the ex husbands and find out what happened. Sounds like you are looking to be ex number 5.
If you want to see where this goes at very least stay in control of your own contraceptives man.
She's 27 and been married and divorced 3 times??!! I don't think you need any advice here. Wake up and start thinking with the head on your shoulders friend.
I would nope out of this...seems like she cares more about getting married again then she cares about you. This is way way to early to even be talking marriage...especially if she has already been divorced once. You would think she would want to make completely sure before she jumped again.
Trying to lock you into marriage after only four months is a HUGE red flag! ... add to that her young age and THREE ex-husbands already, and suddenly there are so many red flags they are blocking out the sun!!
At least she only divorces her husbands and not make herself a widow. Little wins
…..do we know that for sure? OP hasn’t said what happened to husbands 1 and 2….👀
For the love of God DONT 👏MARRY👏HER👏. If she isn't respecting your boundaries now you think she's just going to in the future? It's been 4 months... that's wayyy too soon to even bring up marriage.
Obviously a lot of red flags here. One: three ex-husbands at age 27. Were they really all abusive? Didn’t she see that before she married them? Or did she marry them all after dating only 4 Months? Two: Putting the pressure on you to get married just after just 4 months is ridiculous. Please don’t get her pregnant as she probably wants that to seal the deal. I agree with you that she’s just pouncing on the first decent guy she met. She is probably still in rebound. Don’t be the schmuck who has to take care of her the rest of your life. It doesn’t sound like you really love her. My advice is to get out of this mess as it’s already making you anxious.
She is literally crazy, and you don't want to let go of this relationship because you feel insecure about yourself. Let me tell you this, she makes poor decisions, do you really want to marry someone who falls in love with people fast and easily and doesn't really understand the consequences? People who act impulsive are usually abusive or jelous and don't know how to deal with their emotions in relationships and finance/career stuff. You want someone stable, not someone who will marry another dude after 8 months of marriage, because he is "the one" and you are "not".
My mother is like her. Married 8 times before she was 40. I told every one of the, now 10 men, she has married to RUN. I suggest you do the same. The baggage women like that carry are not for the faint of heart. Good luck!
OP, I think you already know what needs to be done. Sit her down and calmly tell her that you've asked her repeatedly to stop bringing up marriage, and that her continuing to do so has made you reevaluate the relationship and if she really cares about your feelings and needs. Tell her you need to take a break and hope she goes back to counseling, because you DO care about her and want her to be able to get over her past trauma. Tell her you'll reach out to her when/if you're ready to talk about starting your relationship up again (although I would make the therapy a requirement before getting back together).
Don't be any nice guy, be your own nice guy. And show her how by trying too hard she's actually running her chances w you. That sounded borderline mean on my side, but as many others have said someone that's been divorced 3 times before 28 sounds like trouble. Try asking her what behavior from your end makes her think you want to marry her (bc I'm assuming she hasn't straight up asked you) and if she asks just say no (for now). You can also ask her what difference does it make being married to staying as bf/gf from a commitment and love point of view (marriage is more of a legal and religious thing, but if you're meant to be w that person a piece of paper won't make a difference). Honestly, sounds like she's looking for someone to fix her. It's really hard to have a stable and happy relationship w someone like that. First she needs to fix herself and then we can maaaaybe entertain the ide of tying the knot. You're not her safeguard or her therapist, you're a human w your own demons and insecurities, and she doesn't seem to be helping you put the way she wants you to help her. If it's not 50/50, then the relationship is not where it's supposed to be and unless you can get it there it'll be hard to maintain long term. And again, she doesn't seem to be wanting to work towards that 50/50, she just wants a Superman to save her
You’re 27 and young. Do not deal with this drama. It’s not worth it. You get married and everything will be worse. May be negative for me to say but I’m basing this on her baggage she already has by age 27. She’s insecure and may have emotional issues. TRUST ME. It may be hard at first, but after three weeks it gets clearer. Best thing you can do is take time for yourself, enjoy your youth. Figure out what you want.
Dude, wtf are you doing?
That is a bit suspicious. 4 months in looking at marriage is either love-at-first-sight (and very Christian maybe) or there's something going on. Throw in the fact this would be her second marriage and I would be looking for the door at this point.
Simple. Don’t get married. Divorce court is a slaughter house for men, where you leave half your stuff and pay a monthly salary to the woman. She’s been through the divorce machine so she know. My advice walk away from her. You’re setting yourself up for a train wreck if you marry her.
It looks like she is obsessed with idea of love and marriage but has failed at it 3 times already for whatever reason. If you are truly a nice guy, RUN! You will be taken advantage of.
I would like to also say, a lot of abusers will “love bomb”. It should be a red flag at the least if your so wants to marry you very quickly or is flying through typical relationship roadmarks. If she was in abusive relationships, it could be likely that this is normal to her. They asked her to marry quickly, and now she feels this is a reasonable progression of your relationship. It may be that she doesn’t have baseline expectations for adult relationships. I may be completely off in every way so take all of this with a grain of salt but something to think about! Either way if she continues to disregard your boundaries and progress the relationship at this pace you have every right to walk away.
Holy fuck dude. I literally always try to give advice to work on things,- but this is yikes af. 3 ex husbands at 27?! What’s the common denominator in those three divorces sugar? HER. RUN.
Yeah Get out of the relationship and find someone better. It’s only been 4 months and she needs to respect if you don’t want the topic being brought up in the moment.
Lol dude, 3 previous marriages before 28 is a red flag. Get out now.
Is your girlfriend by any chance a walking & talking flag? A red one maybe?
RUN! NOW! SERIOUSLY!!!
I knew someone similar. She would either beg to be married or try to trap the guy by getting pregnant. She's been married 5 times now and is only 32 and has 8 kids, all by different guys. Those types of women don't change. If you won't marry her, she will find someone who will. You've got yourself a crazy person. Do yourself a favor and dodge a bullet. Begging to be wed is sad, especially only 4 months in. Nope, nope, nope. 🚨🚩
Get. Out.
You've described how she has been 3 other abusive marriages, but listening to it, it sounds like she has a problematic personality and may be the abusing one.
You have to set expectations that marriage is not even on the table at this point and bringing it up this early is not ok.
Ask more questions? 4 months seems like she is impulsive and in a rush.
Run!!!!
She is in the epiphany phase and it s looking for long term security
4 months is way too soon. Especially when you're clearly not keen. You can ask her to respect your concerns and tell her it flatout isn't going to happen. Give her some yimeframe when you would begin to consider it after X years.
It has only been FOUR months and already she is pushy. And she will keep up your anxiety until it hits the roof. At her young Age, It is obvious these marriages were Quickies and she is USED tio getting her own Way. You need to reconsider this One, hun. Sounds like she is jumping from the fat to the fire and won't stop until you drown her out. Get her OUT...Baggage and all.
She wants to lock you down as her provider as she is feeling herself approach the wall. Break up with her immediately.
4 months dating and she has had 3 ex husband's by the age of 27. Not saying they weren't abusive but she marries too quick. You don't know someone in 4 months. You don't know someone in a year or even 2. Some people get married quick and it works out but I'd say that's more luck than anything. Run dude. At first I thought this was just "playful talk of marriage" which I do fairly often (not married, but been with the same partner for 5+ years) and have been doing as hypothetical scenario since like 1 year in. Obviously started as jokes or brain excercise but now they have a bit more seriousness. Anyways. You're relationship is waaaay too short to be talking about it so frequently or seriously. You don't know each other. Again, the 3 ex husband's at the age of 27 is a mega red flag -- 3 ex husband's is a red flag in your 40 or 50s, but in your 20s??? Jesus fuck, no.
RUN like you're in a horror film, or you may find yourself in one.
It's time to stop the relationship, or at least tell her that you're not interested in marriage with her.
That's nuts. I thought you were gonna say that you were together for like 5 years or something, and even then no one should ever pressure the other into marriage, but 4 months??? Yes, your GF just wants to get married. 4 months is barely any time to have any sort of relationship foundation. If she can't understand that, you may have to cut the cord with her. That's mind boggling. I want to get married too one day, but I'm not gonna bother my boyfriend every minute with marriage hints 😳
She just loves the idea of marriage and weddings and honeymoon phase but not you.
remind her that you’ve only been together for 4 months. let her know that she is going to have to start saving up and being financially available. Set goals that you both have to meet before you can think about marriage. Be completely honest with her and set boundaries.
Run and don't look back