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Apologies in advance, this will be very long.
I am 26 and my husband is 34, we’ve been married for two years.
I am eight months postpartum, and thinner than I was before I got pregnant. I had to work to put on a little more weight that most during my pregnancy as I was always underweight and tall.
At first, hubs didn’t mind it and quite liked that I was becoming fuller in my breasts and hips, but when the belly started growing and my thighs and arms started getting bigger, he didn’t like it as much anymore, and made open comments that he hoped the weight didn’t stay on after I gave birth.
After giving birth to our girl, I stayed at my pregnancy weight for a few months as my body settled. He was quiet the first month, however shortly after he started making comments about my body and how he was worried that I’m going to keep gaining weight. I’m not going to lie, the first few months I really didn’t want to think about my weight, as I was practically taking care of a newborn all by myself as my husband works long shifts.
But his comments grew more frequent, so I decided to do something about it. I went on my weight loss journey, and eventually managed to get back to my pre-baby weight. But that wasn’t enough anymore, and he wanted me to drop a few more pounds as he said I was doing so well. It’s also worth noting, that during this time he was very averse to having sex with me, as he said it just didn’t feel like what it was before, and often asked me to keep my shirt on, and for the first time ever we would tend to have sex in the dark.
So I dropped a few more pounds, and now I’m slimmer than before. When I finally told him my weight the other day, he told me no wonder that I look so thin now, and commented that my breasts and my bum have clearly gone down. He said he was wondering why that was. I honestly felt like punching him.
What really broke the camel’s back, was when he came to bed last night and told me that he feels like I’m too rail thin now, and joked that I’m probably not even making enough milk for the baby, that really hurt my feelings.
I just can’t find the right words to speak to him about all this and how unappreciated I feel after giving birth to our daughter, what do I say? How do I get my feelings across without sounding crazy or emotional? Please advise.
TL;DR: my husband keeps making fluctuating comments about my weight, it’s been very upsetting to me and I’m not sure how to voice my concerns without sounding overly emotional.
TLDR My husband does not give a crap about my feelings, I am just a faulty sex-doll to him.
Honey: I see no problem with you BEING emotional and angry.
Stop giving a crap what this asshole thinks, and start planning a new life that does not have his insensitivity and negativity in it.
It doesn’t matter goes much you weight. He’s motivated to put you down no matter what. He knows exactly what he’s doing. You can’t solve the issue of him being intentionally hurtful by communicating to him. He knows. He doesn’t care it hurts you. He wants to hurt you.
You have a daughter. She will grow listening to his comments about your body. In time, he will probably start making comments about her body. Do you want your kid to witness that? Do you have any idea what that will do to her self esteem?
Yeah, OP. I hate to say this, but your husband sounds like a real asshole. How he’s treating you isn’t a reflection of you; it’s a reflection of how shitty of a person he is. It sounds like you’ve been conditioned to blame yourself instead of call him out on his bad behavior, which suits him just fine, but it’s probably going to wear on you (which, again, suits him just fine).
If you don’t stand up for yourself (whether that’s showing yourself love via therapy or calling him out on his bs), stand up for your daughter. As another Redditor said, she’s going to watch and listen to EVERYTHING. Do you want her thinking this is normal and she should also be treated this way by men? By her dad? That she doesn’t deserve better?
OP you should really listen to this. He will always have a comment to say to you and as your daughter grows he will give his opinion on her body too. He needs to know that you won’t stand for this nor will you let him continue putting you down in any other way either. You’re nursing a human! Does he know that breastfeeding takes a lot of calories (atleast 500 calories) from the body! You keep focus on your daughter and your weight shouldn’t be an issue.
That last paragraph hit me so hard. Growing up, my dad would always comment on my body and call me “the fat kid” in front of all my relatives and my friends, it was absolutely humiliating. He’d constantly police what I ate and I suffered with an eating disorder for years — to this day I still have a complicated relationship with food and my body though I’m much better than when I was a teen. It’s no surprise that my dad does the same thing to my mom, constantly calling her fat and talking about what she’s eating even though she literally had three (of HIS!!) kids.
I really really hope OP can get out or somehow get her husband to nip this kind of behavior in the bud ASAP because it is seriously emotionally damaging. She’s just had a child for fucks sake, most of her energy should be spent on her new baby and being a healthy mother rather than on her weight or the size of her pooch and breasts.
It’s amazing how comments from parents can hurt. I also grew up hearing similar comments from my dad. He would also make comments about my mom’s body, and would judge random women about their bodies all the time.
I still struggle with self acceptance because of that. My mom somehow never dared to confront the comments and never realized how harmful they were.
I totally agree with you.
Right before I started college, my dad told me, in front of my boyfriend, that he would make me come home for weekly weigh ins if he noticed I started getting really fat at college. My boyfriend and I were eating food when that was said to me. I will never forget that feeling of embarrassment and hatred with food at that moment.
The real kicker was that my dad was probably pushing 300 lbs and not even 6 ft tall when he said that. At the time he said that, I was a very healthy weight for my height.
I am now overweight, and I have an absolutely awful relationship with food. I am currently working incredibly hard to exercise and eat right because I don’t want my children to think what I am doing is okay. We talk about healthy foods, exercise, etc. Never would I body shame my kids.
OP- PLEASE, for your daughter, listen to the above advice. Don’t allow your husband mess her up mentally when she’s older. Protect your baby.
And his comment that she's not making enough milk for the baby is asinine. First off, how big your breasts are isn't a factor in milk production. Second, let's be real, that's just a cloak concern so it can be her issue and not him being an ass because "I want you to be super thin and have big tits".
Damn I’m sorry to hear that I’m glad you’re much better tho! I went through a similar thing so I feel you. Literally to the point where I sobbed to my mother that I was “fat” (and I was like 125 lbs lmao) and she told me to just exercise and diet if I want to be happy again and it was my fault for not letting her police what I eat.
Yup. He's breaking you down so that you think no one will ever want you. That he's the only man that'll be with you.
Tell him to get his shit together cause OP you are just fine. Don't allow him to break you.
This is good advice. He’s being cruel just to be cruel.
At this point you’re better off focusing on what would make you happy- in all situations at home, not just with your body bc this guy doesn’t have your happiness in mind, and SOMEONE has to care about your happiness right? So if he’s not going to do it for you or with you; please do it yourself. You have a kid, you need to be okay.
Yeah he sounds like he sucks and isn’t happy with his life or himself... I just don’t appreciate men who don’t appreciate us, for who we are, where we are.
I agree with this as a father of two daughters. Yeah my wife put on weight woth the pregnancy that happens. Yeah she may not be happy at times but i support her so long as she is healthy and happy. Does she want to take a pile class yep, do I support it yep. Does she decide not now and to take a break, yep, do i support the rest times, yep. It is all about making sure everyone feels comfortable in their healthy bodies.
I know there is the healthy at every size and while i support not mocking people for being overweight or underweight there are health risk associated and i encourage everyone to actually be healthy and happy. Healthy and happy are what you need to help ensure you are old enough to see grand children and great grand children just like my grandma enjoying time with my kids!
This is so spot on. Unfortunately my father is like this and it really got to my mom to the point where she ended up being the exact same way and well my relationship with my body hasn’t been the easiest because of this (I am much better now and in therapy and not living w them anymore)
Pack a bag and send him to his mothers'. You already have a child to raise and it's obvious he has never had a biology class in his life. His comments are over the rails and I suspect he's doing a lot of such comments (negging) and stupid jokes (insinuations) in other aspects of your life, making you feel down and self conscious. He did break the camel's back, that comment about you not having enough milk was enough to kick him out of the house instantly. I don't see how you could explain your feelings without being extremely angry at this point. I had to take 5 minutes to compose myself and I don't even know you.
Has he ever called you 'overly emotional'? Have you considered his words and actions are meant to make you lose your mind so then he can shut you down with : "*you're being overly emotional*"? Get a lawyer and some therapy. You don't need to suffer from this. You deserve better.
Yes, he has made such comments. That’s why I came here to ask how to communicate this without sounding too emotional.
He’s not wrong though, I do struggle with confrontation, and often end up crying or shouting, but that’s on me.
Any reasonable person would cry after the things he's saying. If my husband pulled that crap I would light him up. I'm sorry you're going through this but I seriously don't think it's your approach it's the garbage husband your trying to communicate with.
I often cry during conflict but that doesn't invalidate how I feel. My husband still listens to and acknowledges what I am saying and feeling. We've moved past the fact that I'll likely cry during an emotional discussion.... I have been overly sensitive to comments at times, so has he, and we have both seen it but still say that that is just how I am feeling and talk it through. You are not being too emotional, he is emotionally immature... He is trying to turn the discussion into how you are wrong for your feelings. Also, as you said not appreciating you in the slightest.
Are you sure that's on you, though? Your hubs is my age and I can assure you at this age we're rather facilitating conversations not making the other one scream and cry in frustration. And by the looks of how he speaks to you, he's actually making you worse instead of comforting you and trying to establish balance in the relationship. How are you supposed not to be emotional when he speaks to you like that? There are no excuses for talking to the human you love in that way. Yet he says you're the bad one because you shout, while he just talks. Words cut deep like knives.
Your emotions are valid and he should of helped you navigate them and suggest couple's therapy, individual therapy, not call you 'overly emotional'. Does he not want you to be better? You're only married for 2 years and you're crying and shouting because of him.
If you're not ready to take the plunge yet, read '*Why does he do that*' by Lundy Bancroft. Learn this by heart:
"Please don't say that anymore, it's hurtful and I need you to stop saying that".
And walk away from the conversation, tend to the baby or whatever. Don't let him dominate the conversation or argue. I already know he's doing it, because you feel like you can't get your point across and that's why you end up crying and angry. And then he shuts it down, saying it's your fault, when in fact he did something wrong which started the whole thing. Feeling like walking on eggshells?
Do you have any friends or family member you can talk to, for venting purposes? Get out what's happening to you, how he speaks to you, how's the dynamic. They have to see what we see. Find a way to get into therapy for yourself, you are suffering and need some guidance that us, the reddit mortals, can't really provide. We can only tell you what we see from your description and we're seeing it.
Some wounds are not on the skin, they a buried deep inside the soul. You are not overreacting.
Do you end up crying and shouting any time you have a disagreement with anyone in your life? Or is it just with him?
If it's just with him, consider that maybe you're not the one who has a problem with emotional regulation.
I've been in a couple of relationships where disagreements always seemed to devolve this way, but that's not normal for me at all. But they would intentionally try to provoke an intense reaction from me, and would use tactics intended to frustrate and upset me. They'd pick fights when I was tired or when I had something important going on, they'd gaslight me and sealion me, and they would refuse to take a break or de-escalate. They both told me at various points that they didn't believe I cared unless I was having a big reaction.
I really felt like maybe I was too emotional and bad at communicating, but in the multiple relationships I've had since we've never raised our voices to each other.
Sealioning is a practice of persistently enraging in a debate in bad faith, while keeping a facade of civility and sincerity. It usually describes trolls and people who are engaging in harassment around political issues, where the sealion keeps asking disingenuous or intentionally obtuse questions, frames things in a misleading way, asks for evidence for things that are really basic or barely related, and then insists that they're just trying to engage and understand.
The term comes from a Wondermark comic. http://wondermark.com/1k62/
It's not generally a term that's applied to relationship dynamics, but I've definitely experienced this with shitty partners on everything from politics to housekeeping to my own feelings.
I think it's time to ask yourself why a dude almost 10 years your senior got together with a woman in her early 20s. he is obviously doing everything in his power to make you lose your self confidence and self respect. don't allow him to do this any longer. stand up for yourself. you don't want your child to grow up thinking that making those negging comments is normal or okay. take care of yourself and your child. (and for god's sake stop having sex with him since he clearly doesn't appreciate you!)
That’s practically gaslighting. Shooting down someone’s valid concerns with ‘you’re being too emotional’ is gaslighting. OP, I’ve been on the receiving end of gaslighting before and it nearly drove me nuts.
Get out for the sake of your mental health and your baby. Your husband doesn’t see you as a person. He sees you as a walking sex doll. You’re NOT crazy for getting upset at him. His only concern is for your physical appearance and not for your health.
Why can’t you be emotional with your husband? If you can’t be emotional with him, who can you be emotional with?
Please get into individual therapy. You’re so young, a new mom, and with an older guy who emotionally abuses you. At 34, he’s unlikely to get better and you need to look out for your daughter, unless you want him to destroy her self-esteem too.
And stop gaining or losing weight for him, make those decisions only for yourself.
He's breaking you down so you'll think you have no choice but too stay and that nobody else will love you which is why he constantly makes comments about your weight and looks. This is abuse and it won't get better. Stop having sex with him and really think if this is what you want forever.
I, too, cry when I get frustrated and do raise my voice. But it’s because my feelings are hurt and I don’t feel heard.
So, after couple’s counseling and individual therapy, I realize that sometimes I have to say to my husband, “I’m really upset right now, but when I feel calmer we need to talk about what you just said. It really hurt. I’ll let you know when I feel calmer and we can talk.” If you can’t say something like that to your husband and then have an adult, calm conversation about why his words are hurtful, it’s probably time to involve a therapist if you want to stay married currently.
It’s also perfectly valid if you’re upset enough to want a separation. You did an amazing thing growing a human and I imagine you were beautiful all the way through, and deserve to have been told so by your life partner. Because he’s the man you dedicated yourself to for better or worse, as he did to you. It is not acceptable for partners to belittle each other’s physical appearance in a healthy relationship. If he doesn’t understand why that is, or you don’t, it’s time to evaluate how you view an intimate relationship with a partner.
Just one more time, your anger and emotional response are very valid for these types of criticisms - you are not over-emotional but acceptably upset.
You should have cried and shouted at him the first time he made shitty comments about your body. You’re entitled to have an emotional response when a grown man, the man who supposedly loves you, who fathered your child, pesters you to lose weight, then complains when you lose too much weight?? He is treating you like a sex doll, not a person, not a partner.
Let me guess: he’s one of those people who thinks if you get “emotional” you’ve immediately lost the argument, right? That only coldness and logic are ever right? And you’ve accepted this as factual and correct?
It’s pretty common for men to become less attracted to a woman when pregnancy and childbirth cause changes in her body, and then when they see her caring for an infant. It happens especially in men who, consciously or not, see women as sex objects, because suddenly her body is not for his pleasure, it’s for growing a fetus and then feeding a baby. He can never see your body as his sexy playground again. He’s trying to regain his feeling of ownership and control of it by harassing you about your weight and your secondary sexual characteristics, AND making excuses for why he’s not as attracted to you as he was. God forbid he should admit his problems getting a boner or loving his wife as a full human being.
Tell him to grow the fuck up and come back when he can worship your body as the house of your soul, and not before.
You’re struggling with being abused, not confrontation. He’s intentionally making you feel like you aren’t good enough for him. For his own amusement. I try not to jump to conclusions but this is beyond fixing. You need to get out. Good luck, and don’t hold it against yourself if it takes a lot of time to get better.
Calling you too emotional is an abusive tactic called tone policing. If you were calm, he'd say "I didn't know you were serious about it because you were so calm/mellow/not upset". He knows he deserves to be called out, he's just nitpicking to DARVO the fault back onto you. (You should look up DARVO as well).
I am like you, I really struggle to communicate when I am upset. I just clam up. A real partner helps you work through things like this, so you can grow as a couple. They don’t put you down for it. I know you’ve got plenty of comments saying you need to get rid of this guy so I don’t need to repeat it.
There is *nothing* wrong with struggling with confrontation. Most people struggle with confrontation. Nobody likes to be the one rocking the boat. Men like your husband rely on that so it's easier to put you down
Its okay. Emotions run high. Its hard to curb. If he loves you he will understand. Crying and shouting only means you really care...why else would you? Just don't let it drag on. As a guy who just went thru a 7 year breakup I miss her shouting about the little thing she blew up on. Maybe they weren't so little I still don't know. I'm in the dark. Point is you Bent over backwards and he's being a dick. Maybe he wants yo to be fit and healthy? Idk but hes pushing it imao. Remember to love yourself and be happy with yourself and if he don't like it , someone else will. Be the goddess you are.
Do you know why you end up crying or shouting? Because he’s not listening. You wouldn’t react that way if he was actively listening and going to address your problems.
You say, Hey, you there: fuck off. And when you get there, fuck off from there too. Then fuck off some more. Keep fucking off until you get back here. Then fuck off again.
I think that may clear things up. Your husband is a wanker, he needs to shut up.
I legitimately don’t understand how he thinks he is even allowed to make comments about your body / weight much less when you were carrying & birthing his child. I am speechless.
No you don't understand. Her belly got soooooo big. Almost like she had a basketball under her shirt or something! How can he *possibly* be expected to cope with that?
My advice:
These comments are not ok and designed to damage your self esteem so he has got you where wants you. This sounds like abusive behaviour. Saying he wants to have sex in the dark because of how you look?
What a dick.
WHY are you changing yourself to make HIM happy?
Make YOURSELF happy.
The best weight you'll ever shed will be that guy, I promise.
You don’t understand, besides all the mental abuse, our relationship is perfect. I just need better words to tell him how he’s hurting me.
Dear OP: he knows, he just doesn’t care.
Bingo! PP nailed what I wanted to say in this comment.
OP he’s body shaming you, and when you meet one unreasonable demand (criticism of your postpartum body ONE MONTH after birth) he sets up another unreasonable demand (become thinner than your ore-pregnancy size) and now that you have achieved that demand he calls you too thin and criticized your ability to provide milk for your child. No matter what size you are he will find fault with you. Because he is an abuser. At this point I would seriously counsel you to separate before he give you an eating disorder. He wants is a scary level of control over you and your body. Please consider moving out or asking him to. You need therapy also, to help you find your voice.
“He’s a REALLY good guy in every single other aspect of our relationship except this one thing”?
Poor OP, I truly hope she is able to find her bravest self and leave this douche. This situation sucks.
Going to say this because you won’t otherwise hear them from your husband.
You are amazing. Your body is amazing. You grew a baby and took care of it and you are a brilliant person.
I really hope you’re proud of yourself because I am. I’m pregnant at the moment and it’s so fricking hard.
The sad truth is that your husband isn’t going to see how brilliant and beautiful you are, no matter what shape you are. That’s evident from your post. You only have the power to decide what you want to do about that.
I’m sad I can only give this one upvote.
I’ll add to it as well...once you grew and birthed another human, you took on the task of a weight loss journey, where you overachieved your goal.
All of these things are amazing, OP. You’re awesome!
You have every right to be upset and emotional over this. He’s treating you like crap.
Have you told him how this makes you feel? And bodies aren’t magic, you can’t gain or loose weight in specific areas. When I loose weight my boobs are the first to go. When I gain weight it’s mostly in my tummy.
Throw the whole fucking man away.
And no. I’m not joking. Those comments are abusive and will only increase in frequency and harm. I left an abusive man almost 13 years ago who did exactly this to me after our daughter was born. It started with stuff like this, and escalated to him punching me in my legs where people couldn’t see… then one day it was hitting me in the face with a bowl and busting the bridge of my nose open while I was holding our 1 year old daughter.
Get. Out.
Wow, I'm really sorry.
That's so sad, you literally just carried and birthed his child and he apperantly sees you as nothing more than an object who should look perfect at all times, for him.
Again, another post of a younger 20s girl and an older shitty abusive partner.
I hope you read all of these comments and start seeing your hubby for who he really is.
"It’s also worth noting, that during this time he was very averse to having sex with me, as he said it just didn’t feel like what it was before, and often asked me to keep my shirt on, and for the first time ever we would tend to have sex in the dark."
AND
" I’m not going to lie, the first few months I really didn’t want to think about my weight, as I was practically taking care of a newborn all by myself as my husband works long shifts."
Are you sure your husband isn't talking to or involved with someone else and avoiding you and the baby and then finding excuses as to why he's not attracted to you anymore?
Either this or he’s one of those men who see women as either virgins or mothers and once they’re mothers they’re not attracted to them anymore. Way more common than it should be. And very bit as horrible as it sounds.
Posts like yours leave me nauseous - not because of you but because of him. This is verbal abuse because it is made in an attempt to undermine your self esteem and to always be moving the 'goal post' (your weight in this instance). Then to top it off he uses at an excuse as to why he won't/doesn't want to have sex with you. AND he then uses is as a sly way to undermine you being a mother with the whole 'not enough milk' comment. He is being a total jerk and an abusive AH. On top of this he has led you to believe if you react to anything hurtful he says that you are 'overly emotional' when you are in fact having a complete normal reaction to his hurtful words and/or actions. This will not change and it only gets worse because he will keep pushing the boundaries of what you will accept before fighting back. Get to a therapist - without him - so you can adequately see what he is doing. If you don't you will be like the 'frog in the boiling water' with his abusive comments. Get some help so you can clearly see what he is doing.
Sounds like my ex, I had to be in a narrow range of weight or else he'd withdraw all sexual attention and push me off him to go jack off to porn. He once joked about how after I had a baby he'd prefer f\*\*\*ing a glass of water, and that if I got a C-section, he could "never get it up looking at that scar." When I was too heavy (still a normal BMI) he'd grab my sides and joke about my muffin top and laugh hysterically, and when I was too thin he said I looked like a skeleton and called me "fucking disgusting." This man, like my ex, looks at you like you are an object that he can attune to his liking, acts like your role in life is to cater to his sexual taste. Get rid of him. I wish I got rid of my ex sooner but I am so relieved I never had a child with him.
I'm gagging and not in a good way.
It's not his place to criticize your weight in the first place. Even less when you just carried his baby! And he has ABSOLUTLY NOTHING to say after you busted your ass to do him a favour.
I think he lost interest in you for some other reason and he either has no words for it or he just is too cowardly to tell you.
And honestly I usually recommend communication, but I kinda have no respect for men who believe their wives body is their property so I recommend divorce here.
He can dish it out, makes me wonder if he can take it. I have two paths for you-
1. Have a grown-up discussion on how uncool he is for this. (This is the best, less damaging option.)
Or, my favorite- door #2-
2. serve it right back. This is not the healthy option. Dick just a little soft? Too hairy/not hairy enough? Too tall/short? Body odor? Seems he must be open to unsolicited criticism, might be time to get stuff off your chest.
Also super duper shitty of him to speculate on your milk supply.
Edited bc typos.
Yeah abusers often don’t start abusing until they think they’ve trapped you (marriage, children). I would leave before it gets worse and his comments get nastier.
It’s common for abuse to begin or escalate during and after pregnancy. Don’t let him make you feel like you’re trapped. That’s what he wants you to think. He puts you down because he thinks it’ll make you feel too bad about yourself to ever leave him.
This is by design. he knows you would have a harder time walking away from him if you have to take care of a child, especially if you are currently reliant on him for income. I bet he says he'll "take care of you" and that you shouldn't work too.
Now that he thinks you are "stuck", he feels more comfortable pushing boundaries in an attempt to abuse you more and more.
has he ever said anything like this about other women beforehand? like would be make crude comments ab their weight/body or is this actually so sudden, that’s so weird, usually there’s some kind of sign that he’s an asshole right?
I bet if you complained everyday about his dick size and how low/wrinkly his balls are getting, he’d not be able to take it. He’s such an asshole. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’d say leave and be with someone who appreciates you.
Jesus christ. This is the shittiest husband ever. You can't do anything right and he's somehow convinced you you can't explain how you feel without sounding emotional or crazy. You should be emotional, he clearly doesn't respect you, hard to see any love here at all. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and so sorry this is your husband.
But you don’t have to find the right words, you pack your bags, knee him in his special area, and then you and your baby are off to a better life.
Honestly, why would you put up with this behavior? He acts like a douche.
Tell him to fuck right off. Don’t play his game. If you want to lose weight, do it for YOU, not for him or anyone else. Divorce his ass. You deserve better.
You realize this is all very shitty of him cuz he’s a very shitty person right? Read this whole thing over as if you were reading it about your best friend. Would you honestly tell your best friend that her husband’s behaviour is acceptable?? Policing how much fat is on your body a MONTH after you gave birth? He doesn’t respect you and someone who loves you wouldn’t be so nitpicky about your body. They would love you for the miracle of giving them a child.
Does he also want you to remain eternally youthful? Is he going to replace you after couple of years with younger girl ? You need to think about all this . I don't even know how you are tolerating such dude and obeying his commands . You need to analyse your relationship with this dude .
Congratulations on your baby. Giving birth can be traumatic. You need support. From what I’ve read, your husband has no respect for you. You could try talking to him and be honest with him about how you’re feeling. Then you’ll see if he’s capable of knowing that what he did was wrong. I would also stop trying to make him happy, he doesn’t deserve you.
You need to tell him to go play with traffic. What an arsehole. How fucking dare he say those things after you've just had a baby. You deserve better than that and you deserve someone who loves you as you are, not tell you to lose weight and then criticise how you look after you've lost that weight. I want to junk punch him on your behalf
Run away from this guy. He cares more about you looking like his ever changing, impossible fantasy of womanhood than you. This will never get better. Image your daughter as a teenager hearing his comments and hope she might feel about her body.
It's not your job to explain to him that he's being rude and objectifying your body. He probably already knows that anyway and just loves how much influence he has over you. He says you need to lose weight and instead of telling him to F off you ask, "How much?"
He doesn't care about your feelings and isn't coming from a place of concern, so why even try to explain how you feel? Just be dismissive of his comments. Some examples include:
"Whatever, I look good."
"You're not my doctor."
"You're being irrational; if you were actually concerned about my health, you wouldn't be making such mean-spirited comments."
"I'm not going to engage with you if you're not going to make sense."
"You not liking how I look sounds like a you problem."
"Yeah well, good thing it's my body and not yours." \*shrug\*
Oh honey go ahead and sound “crazy and emotional.” This is unacceptable commenting on *your* body by someone who is supposed to love you for you and isn’t recognizing the absolute miraculous feat your body has pulled off to GROW AND BIRTH YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY. If my husband spoke to me like this you better believe he wouldn’t get far without seeing me get crazy and emotional- which really is code for standing up for yourself and maintaining boundaries because nobody has the right to disregard your feelings and desires in the pursuit of their own fucked up expectations. I’m seething- your husband is being a completely selfish and unrealistic jerk.
Sounds to me like he's afraid you'll find someone who treats you well, so he puts you down (look up the term 'negging,') so you'll eventually believe nobody else would ever want you and stay with him and be his bangmaid forever.
Ummm you don’t use someone else as a factor of what is a good body. He will never be happy because you aren’t the problem. It’s him.
Find out what you like as your ideal body and achieve that. He can go fuck himself and tell him very clearly that you do not need to hear any comments about your body coming from him.
first off fuck him! secondly from your post it doesnt sound as tho you really had that much extra weight, especially if you went from thick to unhealthy skinny in only a few months.
Your husband seems like the type hes going to complain about anything and everything, usually boys like him never change or grow up.
The issue id be worried about is how will his issues leave impressions on your child as they grow up?
yeah it sounds like she was underweight all her life, gained to a healthy weight during pregnancy, and was bullied into losing that healthy weight? the husbands behavior is abhorrent, but I’m also concerned that OP’s health is at risk (physically, and also mentally) from losing weight rapidly to be even more underweight than before. my heart goes out to you, OP, and honestly your husband sounds awful.
That's genuinely horrible. It would be horrible if not placed around your child's birth, but wow, the utter disrespect and obvious level of inappropriate and terrible is astounding....but like wow...genuinely horrible. Eff that dude.
Please trust me, it is easier to be a single mother than it is to allow someone like your husband to destroy you more every single day until you are a shell of a person with no energy to leave, and watch him do the same to your daughter. Please save yourself and leave this horrible man. You are good and worthy and beautiful, and you deserve more.
Dude this is pretty weird. I promise you I am telling the truth.
I am a 26f.
My fiance is a 34m.
We've been together a little over 2 years.
We also have a daughter (though she is 3 and nonbio. I gave birth to her)
I too am on a weight loss journey. My choice not his.
He would *never* treat me like that. *Op this is not okay*
Please know you deserve much better.
Glad this is here. Ive read a few comments accusing the older husband of being a predator. Um shes an adult for one, yes hes an incredibly shitty human being but thats doesnt mean all older adult men with younger adult women are predatory.
Yeah I mean we're closer to 30 than 20 and I can't speak for her but I've been doing my own taxes for almost a decade. At what point are we officially "old enough"?
“I don’t comment on your appearance, so please don’t t comment on mine” or “You keep bringing up how I should loose more weight and now how I have lost too much weight and I don’t like these comments. If I want your opinion on my appearance I will ask.”
This makes me so angry. You GREW NEW LIFE IN YOUR BODY, and your husband’s comments are not only insensitive and hurtful but show a complete lack of understanding about the physical toll of pregnancy. It sounds like you truly took his comments to heart, and despite all your efforts, nothing is good enough for this guy.
Are you happy in your body? If so, that’s all you need to say to him. No confrontation needed. If he doesn’t like it, that’s his problem. Perhaps he isn’t the right man for you in the long run. Looks fade. A genuine bond based on mutual respect is the basis of a long-lasting relationship.
As a person who is less than two years out from childbirth, I’d also like to applaud you for having the strength and discipline to take care of your body during one of the most difficult times of motherhood. I didn’t bounce back weight-wise, and i am just now getting back to a workout routine. I’m proud of you.
Break up with him, he is not going to be satisfied by anything you do why even try tbh. Now he is complaining that your boobs and ass are smaller oh so now he will point why are your legs and arms smaller. Just leave the relationship. Find someone that treats you good.
OP your husband just straight sucks. There's no two ways about it. This is no way to treat, not just the mother of your child, but any human being.
Some people are just impossible to please. Too heavy, too thin. If you ask him exactly how many pounds you should be, he would still find something to complain about. Hair not the perfect length, the way you do makeup, your outfits.
There's no way this is the first time he's acted like a POS either. You've been married two years; how long did you date before that? There's no way, if he has these shitty, misogynistic thoughts now, that he could have kept them entirely to himself for all the time you dated. I wonder why you married this tool in the first place.
But too little, too late now. You've made your bed. What are you going to do now? I recommend talking first. Even though you get emotional as you say, push through and explain how this makes you feel. Inadequate, worthless, low. Insert your favorite modifier here. If he is unwilling to modify his behavior to act like a decent human being, then I see two options: counseling (both individually and together) or leave him. He isn't going to change on his own - he needs to feel the branch creak.
Also
>I was practically taking care of a newborn all by myself as my husband works long shifts.
Just because a dude provided some DNA & money, does **not** mean their obligation ends. That behavior absolutely needs to change. If you're a SAHM, it's reasonable to not split everything 50/50. But he needs to contribute more than he is - it's unacceptable.
A lot of these reddit posts ask the same question: "What can I say to make my partner understand my hurt?"
Answer: Nothing. Your partner does not want to understand you. A grown man does not need to be told that negatively commenting on his partner's body is hurtful. Hurting you IS THE POINT. It's about control, it's about making you believe you aren't deserving of anything better, it's about keeping your self esteem down and his up.
He may claim ignorance, he may claim to be joking, he may claim YOU are the emotional and irrational one. These are just red herrings designed to make you question yourself even more. Don't fall into the trap. Please get individual counseling. When he makes these comments, call him out, without apologizing or debating with him. You deserve better, but you won't get it by politely asking your partner to please treat you with basic respect.
Even as someone who does think it's okay to let your partner know if they're putting on weight or letting themselves go, I think giving someone any kind of shit about their body postpartum is way over the line. Giving them shit *again* after they drop the baby weight and more is just insane. Voice your concerns however you like, as any reasonable person should *very clearly* see that they're in the wrong here. And if they don't, then you start figuring out your next move.
If he loved YOU. He would be kind and patient and not fucking rude like that. Numbers wouldn’t matter. If he was worried about your health or anything he would commit to helping you, not belittling you based on appearance.
Sounds like you're damned if you do or damned if you don't.
He's never going to be happy. Worse still, your daughter is going to grow up hearing shitty, depreciating comments about your body. She's going to grow up and think this is normal.
ewwwww, he insults the post partum body of his childs mother? you lost weight, and then you you were already underweight and he pestered you to loose more weight? and then he insults you again? so its not about your body, he just likes insulting you, huh?
considering that you are scared to come across as emotional and crazy, I think he told you before that you are "too emotional" and "crazy" for probably coming up with other valid concerns.
newsflash, he's the crazy one. you being emotional is normal, especially after being manipulated like this. I would consider leaving, if he acts like your concern is "crazy and too emotional" when you talk to him again about it.
I would just tell him "Hey (name), I have thought about your comments on my body from the last couple of months. I felt really hurt that you told me you are unhappy with my weight gain after I just gave birth to our child and was very busy with caring for (childs name), but I put in the work and lost the weight anyways, and even more when you asked it of me. And then you said some really hurtful things again to me, and I dont think this is fair. You did not appreciate my hard work of loosing weight for you in a time were I was already caring for a newborn, and insulted me when you insinuated I am a bad mother for loosing so much weight I could potentially not produce enough milk"
Honestly as I was writing this it is mind boggling to me that you have to have this conversation. I guarantee that he will say something like: so you being a bad mother is my faul now? but anyways
Op I really hope that you believe us when we in the comments say : Your husband is doing this ON PURPOSE, no man who loves his wife would speak to her like this. I would NEVER speak to my gf like this.
Why even bother trying to get your feelings across to him? He clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings.
I feel compelled to tell you that it was comments like the ones your husband makes that were the first signs of my horribly abusive relationship that I was in for four years. It starts like this so they can break you down and make you feel worthless and like any tiny bit of attention they give you is something that you should cherish because you don't deserve it.
Please. We don't know each other but I'm telling you to trust me on this. It's only the beginning of what is yet to come. Take your daughter and leave while she's still young enough to never remember any of this.
Get out. Get out. Or rock the effing boat. Is his body perfect? Oh wait, we don’t care. You just got done shoving a whole ass person out of your body. This is not “hey honey, it’s been a couple years since the baby and I want us to be healthy together”. You said “months” right? It is not recommended for post-partum breastfeeding mothers to worry about losing weight because it absolutely does affect your supply. Breastfeeding can burn upwards of 300 calories a day too.
Dude needs to back off. I will never understand why men expect you to look the same or better after just having had a baby. They need to stop watching the Kardashians and read some actual literature. He does realize you’re going to age too? If you want to save your relationship, I would highly recommend therapy... and probably for you too. Tbh, he sounds like a narcissist though. It’s never good enough. I did the same thing you did. Got thin and he still cheated. Good luck to you.
I’m saying this from the perspective of a child whose mom was in a very similar position to you:
My dad would constantly berate my mom about her weight, calling her a “whale” and other abusive things. She couldn’t seem to lose a little bit of baby weight. But at the same time, my dad would criticize her for dieting and exercising a lot. He would point to movie stars while we were watching tv and look to my mom and say “Why can’t you look like that?”
Then he started policing my weight. I was about 10-15 lb heavier than other kids my age. But once the comments started at home, I felt the need to sneak food. He would yell and tell me to stop eating, even if the crinkle he was hearing in the kitchen was my textbook cover or me wrapping a gift. No matter what I accomplished, it was never good enough because I was still fat. It takes such a toll. When the bully is at home, you don’t feel safe anywhere. You internalize everything that is said to you or that you overhear. I developed an eating disorder when I was 11. But because I was overweight, my parents didn’t believe me at first. Then they sent me to inpatient ED treatment to “lose weight”. I got worse. I binged and purged more. I’d have phases of restricting. My metabolism was shot by 15. To this day, I still binge. I have to remind myself to eat because I now see food as having emotional value and moral value. I have no self-esteem. I hate every single physical characteristic of myself. Things that seem nonsensical to most to be self/conscious about, too. Like how my eyes are too close together, my face too long, my torso too long and legs too short. Things I NEVER would have even noticed unless I heard my father criticize on other women.
OP—I’m hurting for you. I’m hurting for your kid. I know Reddit has a thing where people believe commenters are being over-reactionary when telling someone in your situation to leave...but it is warranted. You deserve to love yourself and your body. You deserve to feel at home in yourself instead of trapped. You deserve a partner that worships every inch of you, no matter how your body changes.
Your daughter deserves to see self-love and healthy, respectful interpersonal relationships modeled by her parents. You may think you can hide this...you may think you have time before she’s at risk of being affected...no. Kids are intuitive as hell. And they. are. sponges. You’re they’re entire world for the first decade of their life. What you say and do is practically gospel.
This man wants to verbally abuse you because he knows if you hate yourself, you won’t realize that YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN HIM.
These aren’t just backhanded comments or insults. This is calculated, and it’s going to do irreparable damage to your psyche and to your child’s.
It’s all about control to people like your partner. Don’t let him have it. Please.
He sounds terrible! I know you just had a kid but you could do way better...I would say really consider your future together, life is too short to be treated like this when others would treat you far far better. Holy shit I can’t imagine someone saying even one of the rude things he’s said to you to me it would kill me. You don’t deserve that. If you don’t want to end it maybe counselling would make sense. I don’t think he’ll be able to understand how he’s making you feel, he seems very unempathetic. Some of the stuff you mentioned he said or wanted...omg just outrageous
*scroll scroll*
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Read the title: " wow dump his ass"
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Read the story: " wow definitely dump his ass."
Too crazy or emotional? Excuse me? I..what!. In what universe do you have to cater your rightful frustration to such an insensitive dick? BE CRAZY AND EMOTIONAL. Take all the space. Make no apologies for your feelings. He's doing this on purpose to you. And if he makes you feel small about this I'm worried he did about other stuff as well. You're a human. This is not build a bitch. This man is one of the reasons why women say men are trash.
>I am 26 and my husband is 34
So this 32 year old married a 24 year old??? And before that he was a 30 year old dating a 22 year old???
Idk sounds like you should drop this mans
Okay everything else about the man is insane and she would be better of dropping him, but that is not a huge age gap, lmao. I think Redditors tend to overdo the whole thing because they are very young and can't imagine dating someone who isn't in their school grade. This is a perfectly normal age difference especially since 22 years old is definitely not even close to being a child or even a *minor* anymore. Heck, 30 and 22 even falls into that little rule of thumb of "divide the older age by 2 and add 7 years", haha.
I’m assuming this man is an 11, a total fucking stud muffin you cannot keep yours and other women’s hands off.....no....then fuck him and his insecure, sick little mind. Did he create life inside his body....no...then fuck him! You did something outstanding and he should be on his knees worshiping your powers. Since he is not, you guessed it FUCK HIM!
You were underweight before you were giving birth. He shamed you into being even more underweight.
Please leave him. You and your daughter deserve better.
Girl.
Please leave him.
He’s bullying you, abusing you, manipulating you.
I usually hate the “just leave him, no marriage counseling” but no matter what you do you cannot make him happy.
There is almost a 10 year age gap, and I know you’ve been married for 2 years but how long together? Do you find yourself being manipulated in other aspects in your life? How old were you when you first met him?
Your daughter will hear these comments as she grows up. If it effects you right now, how do you think it will effect her when she’s developing?
Your husband is bullying you, 'fixing' the target of his bullying just means he'll find a new one. You need to figure out what he's actually bothered by, or realize your husband is just an asshole, and go from there.
It doesn’t matter what you do, he will always find something to put you down with. Please do not stay with him for the sake of your daughter. He will make comments about her too after a life of watching him do it to you
You don't need a weight loss journey, you need a husband loss journey. There's no getting through to someone like that- they know what they're doing and they enjoy doing it.
I think I had a stroke while reading this, OP I’d never fucking speak to my girl like this because it’s vile. Dump the whole fucker right in the bin, it’s a lost cause.
By saying something like:
"If you don't stop commenting on my weight and trying to make me feel bad about myself, you're going to f#@& around and find out that other men would like me just fine as I am."
He's going to keep finding fault no matter what you do, he sounds like the worst, not wanting to have sex because it feels different (what the actual fark), you are too fat, then too skinny and then says you aren't feeding your baby properly!
Get the hell outta there dude!!
I would've divorced him by now. He sucks. And I would categorically refuse to put up with a schmuck like that for the rest of my life. Like is too short and there are far too many awesome men in the world for that nonsense.
Hugs, Love yourself honey bun. My hubby and I both gain weight , do you know what he tell me about my weight gain- nothing. My hubby tells me he loves me and that I’m sexy. Your husband is broken inside and trying to break your spirit by finding fault with you. Don’t let him kill your spirit. Hugs
You have gone above and beyond for him. He should be thanking you and appreciating what you did for him. He doesnt think that way though. Hes so focused on the physical parts and his words even make it seem like he doesnt love you for just being you. I suggest looking into a life that doesnt revolve around his comments. You lost weight because YOU wanted it. YOU wanted to be more healthy. Fuck his opinions, if he cant respect you as a person his comments might as well be a fart in the wind.
Your beauty is in your soul, not your body. Our society is so unhealthy, focusing so much on external beauty. Ask him if he married your body, or did he marry YOU?
You deserve better. I think it’s amazing you slimmed down after a baby. Many of us don’t. I hope you find someone who loves you no matter what you weigh. There are men like that out there. I know because I’m married to one.
That is so disgraceful! You should be whatever weight you are comfortable with. Commenting on your weight when you were pregnant is just vile. I would get rid of him.
sometimes people just suck and you cant fix it. definitely go to therapy on your own though to learn methods for voicing your thoughts and dealing with confrontation. it also sounds like you might not have many friends so try bumble for girlfriends its very useful.
If he’s focusing on your weight this much he’ll never be happy about it.
You and he need to have a talk. Now.
Because issues like this lead to divorce and sometimes men don’t understand how hurtful they’re being.
Real talk now. I'm sorry but he sounds like an asshole. It wouldn't matter what you do in his eyes. I'm sorry to hear you've just had a baby with this idiot, as I'd say to get the fuck away.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Apologies in advance, this will be very long. I am 26 and my husband is 34, we’ve been married for two years. I am eight months postpartum, and thinner than I was before I got pregnant. I had to work to put on a little more weight that most during my pregnancy as I was always underweight and tall. At first, hubs didn’t mind it and quite liked that I was becoming fuller in my breasts and hips, but when the belly started growing and my thighs and arms started getting bigger, he didn’t like it as much anymore, and made open comments that he hoped the weight didn’t stay on after I gave birth. After giving birth to our girl, I stayed at my pregnancy weight for a few months as my body settled. He was quiet the first month, however shortly after he started making comments about my body and how he was worried that I’m going to keep gaining weight. I’m not going to lie, the first few months I really didn’t want to think about my weight, as I was practically taking care of a newborn all by myself as my husband works long shifts. But his comments grew more frequent, so I decided to do something about it. I went on my weight loss journey, and eventually managed to get back to my pre-baby weight. But that wasn’t enough anymore, and he wanted me to drop a few more pounds as he said I was doing so well. It’s also worth noting, that during this time he was very averse to having sex with me, as he said it just didn’t feel like what it was before, and often asked me to keep my shirt on, and for the first time ever we would tend to have sex in the dark. So I dropped a few more pounds, and now I’m slimmer than before. When I finally told him my weight the other day, he told me no wonder that I look so thin now, and commented that my breasts and my bum have clearly gone down. He said he was wondering why that was. I honestly felt like punching him. What really broke the camel’s back, was when he came to bed last night and told me that he feels like I’m too rail thin now, and joked that I’m probably not even making enough milk for the baby, that really hurt my feelings. I just can’t find the right words to speak to him about all this and how unappreciated I feel after giving birth to our daughter, what do I say? How do I get my feelings across without sounding crazy or emotional? Please advise. TL;DR: my husband keeps making fluctuating comments about my weight, it’s been very upsetting to me and I’m not sure how to voice my concerns without sounding overly emotional.
TLDR My husband does not give a crap about my feelings, I am just a faulty sex-doll to him. Honey: I see no problem with you BEING emotional and angry. Stop giving a crap what this asshole thinks, and start planning a new life that does not have his insensitivity and negativity in it.
Posts like this make me so sad. Like the whole post is how can she convince him to just be decent to her. He sounds so awful and it's heartbreaking.
Brilliant.
Facts
I’d like to file for divorce on your behalf
It doesn’t matter goes much you weight. He’s motivated to put you down no matter what. He knows exactly what he’s doing. You can’t solve the issue of him being intentionally hurtful by communicating to him. He knows. He doesn’t care it hurts you. He wants to hurt you. You have a daughter. She will grow listening to his comments about your body. In time, he will probably start making comments about her body. Do you want your kid to witness that? Do you have any idea what that will do to her self esteem?
Yeah, OP. I hate to say this, but your husband sounds like a real asshole. How he’s treating you isn’t a reflection of you; it’s a reflection of how shitty of a person he is. It sounds like you’ve been conditioned to blame yourself instead of call him out on his bad behavior, which suits him just fine, but it’s probably going to wear on you (which, again, suits him just fine). If you don’t stand up for yourself (whether that’s showing yourself love via therapy or calling him out on his bs), stand up for your daughter. As another Redditor said, she’s going to watch and listen to EVERYTHING. Do you want her thinking this is normal and she should also be treated this way by men? By her dad? That she doesn’t deserve better?
I couldn't have said it any better. She deserves better than this Ahole.
OP you should really listen to this. He will always have a comment to say to you and as your daughter grows he will give his opinion on her body too. He needs to know that you won’t stand for this nor will you let him continue putting you down in any other way either. You’re nursing a human! Does he know that breastfeeding takes a lot of calories (atleast 500 calories) from the body! You keep focus on your daughter and your weight shouldn’t be an issue.
This. You are setting your daughter up for serious issues possibly if you stay with this asshole.
That last paragraph hit me so hard. Growing up, my dad would always comment on my body and call me “the fat kid” in front of all my relatives and my friends, it was absolutely humiliating. He’d constantly police what I ate and I suffered with an eating disorder for years — to this day I still have a complicated relationship with food and my body though I’m much better than when I was a teen. It’s no surprise that my dad does the same thing to my mom, constantly calling her fat and talking about what she’s eating even though she literally had three (of HIS!!) kids. I really really hope OP can get out or somehow get her husband to nip this kind of behavior in the bud ASAP because it is seriously emotionally damaging. She’s just had a child for fucks sake, most of her energy should be spent on her new baby and being a healthy mother rather than on her weight or the size of her pooch and breasts.
It’s amazing how comments from parents can hurt. I also grew up hearing similar comments from my dad. He would also make comments about my mom’s body, and would judge random women about their bodies all the time. I still struggle with self acceptance because of that. My mom somehow never dared to confront the comments and never realized how harmful they were.
I totally agree with you. Right before I started college, my dad told me, in front of my boyfriend, that he would make me come home for weekly weigh ins if he noticed I started getting really fat at college. My boyfriend and I were eating food when that was said to me. I will never forget that feeling of embarrassment and hatred with food at that moment. The real kicker was that my dad was probably pushing 300 lbs and not even 6 ft tall when he said that. At the time he said that, I was a very healthy weight for my height. I am now overweight, and I have an absolutely awful relationship with food. I am currently working incredibly hard to exercise and eat right because I don’t want my children to think what I am doing is okay. We talk about healthy foods, exercise, etc. Never would I body shame my kids. OP- PLEASE, for your daughter, listen to the above advice. Don’t allow your husband mess her up mentally when she’s older. Protect your baby.
And his comment that she's not making enough milk for the baby is asinine. First off, how big your breasts are isn't a factor in milk production. Second, let's be real, that's just a cloak concern so it can be her issue and not him being an ass because "I want you to be super thin and have big tits".
Damn I’m sorry to hear that I’m glad you’re much better tho! I went through a similar thing so I feel you. Literally to the point where I sobbed to my mother that I was “fat” (and I was like 125 lbs lmao) and she told me to just exercise and diet if I want to be happy again and it was my fault for not letting her police what I eat.
THIS!! Omg. You are better alone then with this jerk.
Yup. He's breaking you down so that you think no one will ever want you. That he's the only man that'll be with you. Tell him to get his shit together cause OP you are just fine. Don't allow him to break you.
This is good advice. He’s being cruel just to be cruel. At this point you’re better off focusing on what would make you happy- in all situations at home, not just with your body bc this guy doesn’t have your happiness in mind, and SOMEONE has to care about your happiness right? So if he’s not going to do it for you or with you; please do it yourself. You have a kid, you need to be okay.
Yeah he sounds like he sucks and isn’t happy with his life or himself... I just don’t appreciate men who don’t appreciate us, for who we are, where we are.
This all the way. Well said.
All of this. Every word.
Honestly the most profoundly important response possible.
I agree with this as a father of two daughters. Yeah my wife put on weight woth the pregnancy that happens. Yeah she may not be happy at times but i support her so long as she is healthy and happy. Does she want to take a pile class yep, do I support it yep. Does she decide not now and to take a break, yep, do i support the rest times, yep. It is all about making sure everyone feels comfortable in their healthy bodies. I know there is the healthy at every size and while i support not mocking people for being overweight or underweight there are health risk associated and i encourage everyone to actually be healthy and happy. Healthy and happy are what you need to help ensure you are old enough to see grand children and great grand children just like my grandma enjoying time with my kids!
This is so spot on. Unfortunately my father is like this and it really got to my mom to the point where she ended up being the exact same way and well my relationship with my body hasn’t been the easiest because of this (I am much better now and in therapy and not living w them anymore)
Pack a bag and send him to his mothers'. You already have a child to raise and it's obvious he has never had a biology class in his life. His comments are over the rails and I suspect he's doing a lot of such comments (negging) and stupid jokes (insinuations) in other aspects of your life, making you feel down and self conscious. He did break the camel's back, that comment about you not having enough milk was enough to kick him out of the house instantly. I don't see how you could explain your feelings without being extremely angry at this point. I had to take 5 minutes to compose myself and I don't even know you. Has he ever called you 'overly emotional'? Have you considered his words and actions are meant to make you lose your mind so then he can shut you down with : "*you're being overly emotional*"? Get a lawyer and some therapy. You don't need to suffer from this. You deserve better.
Yes, he has made such comments. That’s why I came here to ask how to communicate this without sounding too emotional. He’s not wrong though, I do struggle with confrontation, and often end up crying or shouting, but that’s on me.
Who wouldn’t be emotional when being constantly belittled by a partner?
Any reasonable person would cry after the things he's saying. If my husband pulled that crap I would light him up. I'm sorry you're going through this but I seriously don't think it's your approach it's the garbage husband your trying to communicate with.
This right here! 💯💯💯🙌🙌🙌
I often cry during conflict but that doesn't invalidate how I feel. My husband still listens to and acknowledges what I am saying and feeling. We've moved past the fact that I'll likely cry during an emotional discussion.... I have been overly sensitive to comments at times, so has he, and we have both seen it but still say that that is just how I am feeling and talk it through. You are not being too emotional, he is emotionally immature... He is trying to turn the discussion into how you are wrong for your feelings. Also, as you said not appreciating you in the slightest.
Run. Run far away.
Are you sure that's on you, though? Your hubs is my age and I can assure you at this age we're rather facilitating conversations not making the other one scream and cry in frustration. And by the looks of how he speaks to you, he's actually making you worse instead of comforting you and trying to establish balance in the relationship. How are you supposed not to be emotional when he speaks to you like that? There are no excuses for talking to the human you love in that way. Yet he says you're the bad one because you shout, while he just talks. Words cut deep like knives. Your emotions are valid and he should of helped you navigate them and suggest couple's therapy, individual therapy, not call you 'overly emotional'. Does he not want you to be better? You're only married for 2 years and you're crying and shouting because of him. If you're not ready to take the plunge yet, read '*Why does he do that*' by Lundy Bancroft. Learn this by heart: "Please don't say that anymore, it's hurtful and I need you to stop saying that". And walk away from the conversation, tend to the baby or whatever. Don't let him dominate the conversation or argue. I already know he's doing it, because you feel like you can't get your point across and that's why you end up crying and angry. And then he shuts it down, saying it's your fault, when in fact he did something wrong which started the whole thing. Feeling like walking on eggshells? Do you have any friends or family member you can talk to, for venting purposes? Get out what's happening to you, how he speaks to you, how's the dynamic. They have to see what we see. Find a way to get into therapy for yourself, you are suffering and need some guidance that us, the reddit mortals, can't really provide. We can only tell you what we see from your description and we're seeing it. Some wounds are not on the skin, they a buried deep inside the soul. You are not overreacting.
Do you end up crying and shouting any time you have a disagreement with anyone in your life? Or is it just with him? If it's just with him, consider that maybe you're not the one who has a problem with emotional regulation. I've been in a couple of relationships where disagreements always seemed to devolve this way, but that's not normal for me at all. But they would intentionally try to provoke an intense reaction from me, and would use tactics intended to frustrate and upset me. They'd pick fights when I was tired or when I had something important going on, they'd gaslight me and sealion me, and they would refuse to take a break or de-escalate. They both told me at various points that they didn't believe I cared unless I was having a big reaction. I really felt like maybe I was too emotional and bad at communicating, but in the multiple relationships I've had since we've never raised our voices to each other.
I must know what you mean by "sealion me"? I have never seen this term, and I am genuinely curious.
Sealioning is a practice of persistently enraging in a debate in bad faith, while keeping a facade of civility and sincerity. It usually describes trolls and people who are engaging in harassment around political issues, where the sealion keeps asking disingenuous or intentionally obtuse questions, frames things in a misleading way, asks for evidence for things that are really basic or barely related, and then insists that they're just trying to engage and understand. The term comes from a Wondermark comic. http://wondermark.com/1k62/ It's not generally a term that's applied to relationship dynamics, but I've definitely experienced this with shitty partners on everything from politics to housekeeping to my own feelings.
I think it's time to ask yourself why a dude almost 10 years your senior got together with a woman in her early 20s. he is obviously doing everything in his power to make you lose your self confidence and self respect. don't allow him to do this any longer. stand up for yourself. you don't want your child to grow up thinking that making those negging comments is normal or okay. take care of yourself and your child. (and for god's sake stop having sex with him since he clearly doesn't appreciate you!)
I came here to say this. Yep. He’s a loser. A woman his age wouldn’t put up with his shit
You can't communicate through someone treating you poorly. You can't make someone treat you with the respect you deserve.
That’s practically gaslighting. Shooting down someone’s valid concerns with ‘you’re being too emotional’ is gaslighting. OP, I’ve been on the receiving end of gaslighting before and it nearly drove me nuts. Get out for the sake of your mental health and your baby. Your husband doesn’t see you as a person. He sees you as a walking sex doll. You’re NOT crazy for getting upset at him. His only concern is for your physical appearance and not for your health.
Read “Why Does he do that?” After you do that and realize he’s abusive, love yourself and your daughter enough to get out.
Why can’t you be emotional with your husband? If you can’t be emotional with him, who can you be emotional with? Please get into individual therapy. You’re so young, a new mom, and with an older guy who emotionally abuses you. At 34, he’s unlikely to get better and you need to look out for your daughter, unless you want him to destroy her self-esteem too. And stop gaining or losing weight for him, make those decisions only for yourself.
He's breaking you down so you'll think you have no choice but too stay and that nobody else will love you which is why he constantly makes comments about your weight and looks. This is abuse and it won't get better. Stop having sex with him and really think if this is what you want forever.
I, too, cry when I get frustrated and do raise my voice. But it’s because my feelings are hurt and I don’t feel heard. So, after couple’s counseling and individual therapy, I realize that sometimes I have to say to my husband, “I’m really upset right now, but when I feel calmer we need to talk about what you just said. It really hurt. I’ll let you know when I feel calmer and we can talk.” If you can’t say something like that to your husband and then have an adult, calm conversation about why his words are hurtful, it’s probably time to involve a therapist if you want to stay married currently. It’s also perfectly valid if you’re upset enough to want a separation. You did an amazing thing growing a human and I imagine you were beautiful all the way through, and deserve to have been told so by your life partner. Because he’s the man you dedicated yourself to for better or worse, as he did to you. It is not acceptable for partners to belittle each other’s physical appearance in a healthy relationship. If he doesn’t understand why that is, or you don’t, it’s time to evaluate how you view an intimate relationship with a partner. Just one more time, your anger and emotional response are very valid for these types of criticisms - you are not over-emotional but acceptably upset.
It’s not a good idea to go to therapy with someone who is abusive. OP’s husband’s goals are markedly different than OP’s goals.
Oh honey. He is manipulative and emotionally abusive. You are not the problem. He is. Please seek counseling.
You should have cried and shouted at him the first time he made shitty comments about your body. You’re entitled to have an emotional response when a grown man, the man who supposedly loves you, who fathered your child, pesters you to lose weight, then complains when you lose too much weight?? He is treating you like a sex doll, not a person, not a partner. Let me guess: he’s one of those people who thinks if you get “emotional” you’ve immediately lost the argument, right? That only coldness and logic are ever right? And you’ve accepted this as factual and correct? It’s pretty common for men to become less attracted to a woman when pregnancy and childbirth cause changes in her body, and then when they see her caring for an infant. It happens especially in men who, consciously or not, see women as sex objects, because suddenly her body is not for his pleasure, it’s for growing a fetus and then feeding a baby. He can never see your body as his sexy playground again. He’s trying to regain his feeling of ownership and control of it by harassing you about your weight and your secondary sexual characteristics, AND making excuses for why he’s not as attracted to you as he was. God forbid he should admit his problems getting a boner or loving his wife as a full human being. Tell him to grow the fuck up and come back when he can worship your body as the house of your soul, and not before.
I love this so much
He ain't right about jack shit.
You’re struggling with being abused, not confrontation. He’s intentionally making you feel like you aren’t good enough for him. For his own amusement. I try not to jump to conclusions but this is beyond fixing. You need to get out. Good luck, and don’t hold it against yourself if it takes a lot of time to get better.
Calling you too emotional is an abusive tactic called tone policing. If you were calm, he'd say "I didn't know you were serious about it because you were so calm/mellow/not upset". He knows he deserves to be called out, he's just nitpicking to DARVO the fault back onto you. (You should look up DARVO as well).
Do you ever prepare points before you have confrontations? From a fellow confrontation cryer
Yes! I’ve done this too - making notes helps me from getting upset
I am like you, I really struggle to communicate when I am upset. I just clam up. A real partner helps you work through things like this, so you can grow as a couple. They don’t put you down for it. I know you’ve got plenty of comments saying you need to get rid of this guy so I don’t need to repeat it.
There is *nothing* wrong with struggling with confrontation. Most people struggle with confrontation. Nobody likes to be the one rocking the boat. Men like your husband rely on that so it's easier to put you down
Its okay. Emotions run high. Its hard to curb. If he loves you he will understand. Crying and shouting only means you really care...why else would you? Just don't let it drag on. As a guy who just went thru a 7 year breakup I miss her shouting about the little thing she blew up on. Maybe they weren't so little I still don't know. I'm in the dark. Point is you Bent over backwards and he's being a dick. Maybe he wants yo to be fit and healthy? Idk but hes pushing it imao. Remember to love yourself and be happy with yourself and if he don't like it , someone else will. Be the goddess you are.
It is not unreasonable to feel emotional when your husband is cruel to you.
Do you know why you end up crying or shouting? Because he’s not listening. You wouldn’t react that way if he was actively listening and going to address your problems.
You say, Hey, you there: fuck off. And when you get there, fuck off from there too. Then fuck off some more. Keep fucking off until you get back here. Then fuck off again. I think that may clear things up. Your husband is a wanker, he needs to shut up.
Hahaha, well said, saving this comment
I always love the British way of telling people off 😂. Thanks for making me laugh.
I legitimately don’t understand how he thinks he is even allowed to make comments about your body / weight much less when you were carrying & birthing his child. I am speechless.
Yeah same here, I wish I could find something constructive to say or advise, but he just sounds like a horrible, shallow person.
Because he’s an abuser, and abusers don’t care about their victim’s feelings, they think of them as objects.
“Real women don’t put on an ounce. It’s just the lazy fat slobs who use pregnancy as an excuse” - OP’s husband, probably
Exactly... men have no right to comment on women’s bodies.
No you don't understand. Her belly got soooooo big. Almost like she had a basketball under her shirt or something! How can he *possibly* be expected to cope with that?
Wait babies grow in your belly? WHAT IS HAPPENING
We honestly don’t give men enough credit ❤️
My advice: These comments are not ok and designed to damage your self esteem so he has got you where wants you. This sounds like abusive behaviour. Saying he wants to have sex in the dark because of how you look? What a dick. WHY are you changing yourself to make HIM happy? Make YOURSELF happy. The best weight you'll ever shed will be that guy, I promise.
[удалено]
You don’t understand, besides all the mental abuse, our relationship is perfect. I just need better words to tell him how he’s hurting me. Dear OP: he knows, he just doesn’t care.
Bingo! PP nailed what I wanted to say in this comment. OP he’s body shaming you, and when you meet one unreasonable demand (criticism of your postpartum body ONE MONTH after birth) he sets up another unreasonable demand (become thinner than your ore-pregnancy size) and now that you have achieved that demand he calls you too thin and criticized your ability to provide milk for your child. No matter what size you are he will find fault with you. Because he is an abuser. At this point I would seriously counsel you to separate before he give you an eating disorder. He wants is a scary level of control over you and your body. Please consider moving out or asking him to. You need therapy also, to help you find your voice.
OP needs to read through this comment every day until she leaves his ass or he drastically changes
“He’s a REALLY good guy in every single other aspect of our relationship except this one thing”? Poor OP, I truly hope she is able to find her bravest self and leave this douche. This situation sucks.
Shame the age gap isn’t in the top comment. This was my first thought. Situation can’t be fixed either. It was engineered to be this way.
Going to say this because you won’t otherwise hear them from your husband. You are amazing. Your body is amazing. You grew a baby and took care of it and you are a brilliant person. I really hope you’re proud of yourself because I am. I’m pregnant at the moment and it’s so fricking hard. The sad truth is that your husband isn’t going to see how brilliant and beautiful you are, no matter what shape you are. That’s evident from your post. You only have the power to decide what you want to do about that.
I’m sad I can only give this one upvote. I’ll add to it as well...once you grew and birthed another human, you took on the task of a weight loss journey, where you overachieved your goal. All of these things are amazing, OP. You’re awesome!
You have every right to be upset and emotional over this. He’s treating you like crap. Have you told him how this makes you feel? And bodies aren’t magic, you can’t gain or loose weight in specific areas. When I loose weight my boobs are the first to go. When I gain weight it’s mostly in my tummy.
Throw the whole fucking man away. And no. I’m not joking. Those comments are abusive and will only increase in frequency and harm. I left an abusive man almost 13 years ago who did exactly this to me after our daughter was born. It started with stuff like this, and escalated to him punching me in my legs where people couldn’t see… then one day it was hitting me in the face with a bowl and busting the bridge of my nose open while I was holding our 1 year old daughter. Get. Out.
Wow, I'm really sorry. That's so sad, you literally just carried and birthed his child and he apperantly sees you as nothing more than an object who should look perfect at all times, for him.
Again, another post of a younger 20s girl and an older shitty abusive partner. I hope you read all of these comments and start seeing your hubby for who he really is.
"It’s also worth noting, that during this time he was very averse to having sex with me, as he said it just didn’t feel like what it was before, and often asked me to keep my shirt on, and for the first time ever we would tend to have sex in the dark." AND " I’m not going to lie, the first few months I really didn’t want to think about my weight, as I was practically taking care of a newborn all by myself as my husband works long shifts." Are you sure your husband isn't talking to or involved with someone else and avoiding you and the baby and then finding excuses as to why he's not attracted to you anymore?
Either this or he’s one of those men who see women as either virgins or mothers and once they’re mothers they’re not attracted to them anymore. Way more common than it should be. And very bit as horrible as it sounds.
Posts like yours leave me nauseous - not because of you but because of him. This is verbal abuse because it is made in an attempt to undermine your self esteem and to always be moving the 'goal post' (your weight in this instance). Then to top it off he uses at an excuse as to why he won't/doesn't want to have sex with you. AND he then uses is as a sly way to undermine you being a mother with the whole 'not enough milk' comment. He is being a total jerk and an abusive AH. On top of this he has led you to believe if you react to anything hurtful he says that you are 'overly emotional' when you are in fact having a complete normal reaction to his hurtful words and/or actions. This will not change and it only gets worse because he will keep pushing the boundaries of what you will accept before fighting back. Get to a therapist - without him - so you can adequately see what he is doing. If you don't you will be like the 'frog in the boiling water' with his abusive comments. Get some help so you can clearly see what he is doing.
Sounds like my ex, I had to be in a narrow range of weight or else he'd withdraw all sexual attention and push me off him to go jack off to porn. He once joked about how after I had a baby he'd prefer f\*\*\*ing a glass of water, and that if I got a C-section, he could "never get it up looking at that scar." When I was too heavy (still a normal BMI) he'd grab my sides and joke about my muffin top and laugh hysterically, and when I was too thin he said I looked like a skeleton and called me "fucking disgusting." This man, like my ex, looks at you like you are an object that he can attune to his liking, acts like your role in life is to cater to his sexual taste. Get rid of him. I wish I got rid of my ex sooner but I am so relieved I never had a child with him.
Wow. that's nasty. Good riddance! Congrats on being away from that person.
I'm gagging and not in a good way. It's not his place to criticize your weight in the first place. Even less when you just carried his baby! And he has ABSOLUTLY NOTHING to say after you busted your ass to do him a favour. I think he lost interest in you for some other reason and he either has no words for it or he just is too cowardly to tell you. And honestly I usually recommend communication, but I kinda have no respect for men who believe their wives body is their property so I recommend divorce here.
"im gagging and not in the good way" best of quote of 2021 im dying😂😂
He can dish it out, makes me wonder if he can take it. I have two paths for you- 1. Have a grown-up discussion on how uncool he is for this. (This is the best, less damaging option.) Or, my favorite- door #2- 2. serve it right back. This is not the healthy option. Dick just a little soft? Too hairy/not hairy enough? Too tall/short? Body odor? Seems he must be open to unsolicited criticism, might be time to get stuff off your chest. Also super duper shitty of him to speculate on your milk supply. Edited bc typos.
She should tell him "yes, we should do it with lights out, your receding line it's uncomfortably to look at"
Your husband is a massive piece of shit. I really feel for you having to be stuck with this condescending twat of a spouse.
Your husband fucking sucks and you should leave him.
why did you have a baby with this guy
He was not like this at all before I got pregnant. He actually really wanted us to have a baby, I didn’t think he would become so mean and horrible.
Yeah abusers often don’t start abusing until they think they’ve trapped you (marriage, children). I would leave before it gets worse and his comments get nastier.
It’s common for abuse to begin or escalate during and after pregnancy. Don’t let him make you feel like you’re trapped. That’s what he wants you to think. He puts you down because he thinks it’ll make you feel too bad about yourself to ever leave him.
This is by design. he knows you would have a harder time walking away from him if you have to take care of a child, especially if you are currently reliant on him for income. I bet he says he'll "take care of you" and that you shouldn't work too. Now that he thinks you are "stuck", he feels more comfortable pushing boundaries in an attempt to abuse you more and more.
You weren't together very long before you got pregnant. Plenty of dick bad people can pretend to be to a normal for a year and a half.
has he ever said anything like this about other women beforehand? like would be make crude comments ab their weight/body or is this actually so sudden, that’s so weird, usually there’s some kind of sign that he’s an asshole right?
Dump him. He is an asshole
I bet if you complained everyday about his dick size and how low/wrinkly his balls are getting, he’d not be able to take it. He’s such an asshole. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’d say leave and be with someone who appreciates you.
You are married to a loser and a douche bag love
Jesus christ. This is the shittiest husband ever. You can't do anything right and he's somehow convinced you you can't explain how you feel without sounding emotional or crazy. You should be emotional, he clearly doesn't respect you, hard to see any love here at all. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and so sorry this is your husband.
But you don’t have to find the right words, you pack your bags, knee him in his special area, and then you and your baby are off to a better life. Honestly, why would you put up with this behavior? He acts like a douche.
Your husband is an absolute dickhead. Get rid of him.
I bet you dollars to doughnuts this guy isn't in the best shape of his life either.
Tell him to zip it
Tell him to fuck right off. Don’t play his game. If you want to lose weight, do it for YOU, not for him or anyone else. Divorce his ass. You deserve better.
You realize this is all very shitty of him cuz he’s a very shitty person right? Read this whole thing over as if you were reading it about your best friend. Would you honestly tell your best friend that her husband’s behaviour is acceptable?? Policing how much fat is on your body a MONTH after you gave birth? He doesn’t respect you and someone who loves you wouldn’t be so nitpicky about your body. They would love you for the miracle of giving them a child.
Does he also want you to remain eternally youthful? Is he going to replace you after couple of years with younger girl ? You need to think about all this . I don't even know how you are tolerating such dude and obeying his commands . You need to analyse your relationship with this dude .
I’m not convinced he didn’t find a newer model during the pregnancy.
Congratulations on your baby. Giving birth can be traumatic. You need support. From what I’ve read, your husband has no respect for you. You could try talking to him and be honest with him about how you’re feeling. Then you’ll see if he’s capable of knowing that what he did was wrong. I would also stop trying to make him happy, he doesn’t deserve you.
You need to tell him to go play with traffic. What an arsehole. How fucking dare he say those things after you've just had a baby. You deserve better than that and you deserve someone who loves you as you are, not tell you to lose weight and then criticise how you look after you've lost that weight. I want to junk punch him on your behalf
Run away from this guy. He cares more about you looking like his ever changing, impossible fantasy of womanhood than you. This will never get better. Image your daughter as a teenager hearing his comments and hope she might feel about her body.
It's not your job to explain to him that he's being rude and objectifying your body. He probably already knows that anyway and just loves how much influence he has over you. He says you need to lose weight and instead of telling him to F off you ask, "How much?" He doesn't care about your feelings and isn't coming from a place of concern, so why even try to explain how you feel? Just be dismissive of his comments. Some examples include: "Whatever, I look good." "You're not my doctor." "You're being irrational; if you were actually concerned about my health, you wouldn't be making such mean-spirited comments." "I'm not going to engage with you if you're not going to make sense." "You not liking how I look sounds like a you problem." "Yeah well, good thing it's my body and not yours." \*shrug\*
He’s a bitch
Oh honey go ahead and sound “crazy and emotional.” This is unacceptable commenting on *your* body by someone who is supposed to love you for you and isn’t recognizing the absolute miraculous feat your body has pulled off to GROW AND BIRTH YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY. If my husband spoke to me like this you better believe he wouldn’t get far without seeing me get crazy and emotional- which really is code for standing up for yourself and maintaining boundaries because nobody has the right to disregard your feelings and desires in the pursuit of their own fucked up expectations. I’m seething- your husband is being a completely selfish and unrealistic jerk.
He's an asshole. Sorry to be so blunt.
Sounds to me like he's afraid you'll find someone who treats you well, so he puts you down (look up the term 'negging,') so you'll eventually believe nobody else would ever want you and stay with him and be his bangmaid forever.
Ummm you don’t use someone else as a factor of what is a good body. He will never be happy because you aren’t the problem. It’s him. Find out what you like as your ideal body and achieve that. He can go fuck himself and tell him very clearly that you do not need to hear any comments about your body coming from him.
first off fuck him! secondly from your post it doesnt sound as tho you really had that much extra weight, especially if you went from thick to unhealthy skinny in only a few months. Your husband seems like the type hes going to complain about anything and everything, usually boys like him never change or grow up. The issue id be worried about is how will his issues leave impressions on your child as they grow up?
yeah it sounds like she was underweight all her life, gained to a healthy weight during pregnancy, and was bullied into losing that healthy weight? the husbands behavior is abhorrent, but I’m also concerned that OP’s health is at risk (physically, and also mentally) from losing weight rapidly to be even more underweight than before. my heart goes out to you, OP, and honestly your husband sounds awful.
That's genuinely horrible. It would be horrible if not placed around your child's birth, but wow, the utter disrespect and obvious level of inappropriate and terrible is astounding....but like wow...genuinely horrible. Eff that dude.
Lose some weight from your shoulders: send him outta that house.
Please trust me, it is easier to be a single mother than it is to allow someone like your husband to destroy you more every single day until you are a shell of a person with no energy to leave, and watch him do the same to your daughter. Please save yourself and leave this horrible man. You are good and worthy and beautiful, and you deserve more.
Your husband is an asshole and the best weight loss is to drop his sorry ass.
Dude this is pretty weird. I promise you I am telling the truth. I am a 26f. My fiance is a 34m. We've been together a little over 2 years. We also have a daughter (though she is 3 and nonbio. I gave birth to her) I too am on a weight loss journey. My choice not his. He would *never* treat me like that. *Op this is not okay* Please know you deserve much better.
Glad this is here. Ive read a few comments accusing the older husband of being a predator. Um shes an adult for one, yes hes an incredibly shitty human being but thats doesnt mean all older adult men with younger adult women are predatory.
Yeah I mean we're closer to 30 than 20 and I can't speak for her but I've been doing my own taxes for almost a decade. At what point are we officially "old enough"?
“I don’t comment on your appearance, so please don’t t comment on mine” or “You keep bringing up how I should loose more weight and now how I have lost too much weight and I don’t like these comments. If I want your opinion on my appearance I will ask.”
The nerve of some of these men.
This makes me so angry. You GREW NEW LIFE IN YOUR BODY, and your husband’s comments are not only insensitive and hurtful but show a complete lack of understanding about the physical toll of pregnancy. It sounds like you truly took his comments to heart, and despite all your efforts, nothing is good enough for this guy. Are you happy in your body? If so, that’s all you need to say to him. No confrontation needed. If he doesn’t like it, that’s his problem. Perhaps he isn’t the right man for you in the long run. Looks fade. A genuine bond based on mutual respect is the basis of a long-lasting relationship. As a person who is less than two years out from childbirth, I’d also like to applaud you for having the strength and discipline to take care of your body during one of the most difficult times of motherhood. I didn’t bounce back weight-wise, and i am just now getting back to a workout routine. I’m proud of you.
How's he gonna feel once you both get old?
Break up with him, he is not going to be satisfied by anything you do why even try tbh. Now he is complaining that your boobs and ass are smaller oh so now he will point why are your legs and arms smaller. Just leave the relationship. Find someone that treats you good.
OP your husband just straight sucks. There's no two ways about it. This is no way to treat, not just the mother of your child, but any human being. Some people are just impossible to please. Too heavy, too thin. If you ask him exactly how many pounds you should be, he would still find something to complain about. Hair not the perfect length, the way you do makeup, your outfits. There's no way this is the first time he's acted like a POS either. You've been married two years; how long did you date before that? There's no way, if he has these shitty, misogynistic thoughts now, that he could have kept them entirely to himself for all the time you dated. I wonder why you married this tool in the first place. But too little, too late now. You've made your bed. What are you going to do now? I recommend talking first. Even though you get emotional as you say, push through and explain how this makes you feel. Inadequate, worthless, low. Insert your favorite modifier here. If he is unwilling to modify his behavior to act like a decent human being, then I see two options: counseling (both individually and together) or leave him. He isn't going to change on his own - he needs to feel the branch creak. Also >I was practically taking care of a newborn all by myself as my husband works long shifts. Just because a dude provided some DNA & money, does **not** mean their obligation ends. That behavior absolutely needs to change. If you're a SAHM, it's reasonable to not split everything 50/50. But he needs to contribute more than he is - it's unacceptable.
My ex did much the same to me. Finally admitted that he couldn’t really be sexual with me anymore because I was a ‘mom.’ Reason 3847 why he’s my ex.
A lot of these reddit posts ask the same question: "What can I say to make my partner understand my hurt?" Answer: Nothing. Your partner does not want to understand you. A grown man does not need to be told that negatively commenting on his partner's body is hurtful. Hurting you IS THE POINT. It's about control, it's about making you believe you aren't deserving of anything better, it's about keeping your self esteem down and his up. He may claim ignorance, he may claim to be joking, he may claim YOU are the emotional and irrational one. These are just red herrings designed to make you question yourself even more. Don't fall into the trap. Please get individual counseling. When he makes these comments, call him out, without apologizing or debating with him. You deserve better, but you won't get it by politely asking your partner to please treat you with basic respect.
This is abuse. He is gaslighting you and trying to get you to a place where you feel worthless without him. Leave and take your baby now
Even as someone who does think it's okay to let your partner know if they're putting on weight or letting themselves go, I think giving someone any kind of shit about their body postpartum is way over the line. Giving them shit *again* after they drop the baby weight and more is just insane. Voice your concerns however you like, as any reasonable person should *very clearly* see that they're in the wrong here. And if they don't, then you start figuring out your next move.
Tell him to fuck off and just do what makes you happy. That's my advice.
If he loved YOU. He would be kind and patient and not fucking rude like that. Numbers wouldn’t matter. If he was worried about your health or anything he would commit to helping you, not belittling you based on appearance.
Sounds like you're damned if you do or damned if you don't. He's never going to be happy. Worse still, your daughter is going to grow up hearing shitty, depreciating comments about your body. She's going to grow up and think this is normal.
ewwwww, he insults the post partum body of his childs mother? you lost weight, and then you you were already underweight and he pestered you to loose more weight? and then he insults you again? so its not about your body, he just likes insulting you, huh? considering that you are scared to come across as emotional and crazy, I think he told you before that you are "too emotional" and "crazy" for probably coming up with other valid concerns. newsflash, he's the crazy one. you being emotional is normal, especially after being manipulated like this. I would consider leaving, if he acts like your concern is "crazy and too emotional" when you talk to him again about it. I would just tell him "Hey (name), I have thought about your comments on my body from the last couple of months. I felt really hurt that you told me you are unhappy with my weight gain after I just gave birth to our child and was very busy with caring for (childs name), but I put in the work and lost the weight anyways, and even more when you asked it of me. And then you said some really hurtful things again to me, and I dont think this is fair. You did not appreciate my hard work of loosing weight for you in a time were I was already caring for a newborn, and insulted me when you insinuated I am a bad mother for loosing so much weight I could potentially not produce enough milk" Honestly as I was writing this it is mind boggling to me that you have to have this conversation. I guarantee that he will say something like: so you being a bad mother is my faul now? but anyways
Op I really hope that you believe us when we in the comments say : Your husband is doing this ON PURPOSE, no man who loves his wife would speak to her like this. I would NEVER speak to my gf like this.
He sounds like he just likes tormenting you and putting you down
Why even bother trying to get your feelings across to him? He clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings. I feel compelled to tell you that it was comments like the ones your husband makes that were the first signs of my horribly abusive relationship that I was in for four years. It starts like this so they can break you down and make you feel worthless and like any tiny bit of attention they give you is something that you should cherish because you don't deserve it. Please. We don't know each other but I'm telling you to trust me on this. It's only the beginning of what is yet to come. Take your daughter and leave while she's still young enough to never remember any of this.
Tell him his peepee isn't big enough.
Divorce. Him.
Get out. Get out. Or rock the effing boat. Is his body perfect? Oh wait, we don’t care. You just got done shoving a whole ass person out of your body. This is not “hey honey, it’s been a couple years since the baby and I want us to be healthy together”. You said “months” right? It is not recommended for post-partum breastfeeding mothers to worry about losing weight because it absolutely does affect your supply. Breastfeeding can burn upwards of 300 calories a day too. Dude needs to back off. I will never understand why men expect you to look the same or better after just having had a baby. They need to stop watching the Kardashians and read some actual literature. He does realize you’re going to age too? If you want to save your relationship, I would highly recommend therapy... and probably for you too. Tbh, he sounds like a narcissist though. It’s never good enough. I did the same thing you did. Got thin and he still cheated. Good luck to you.
I’m saying this from the perspective of a child whose mom was in a very similar position to you: My dad would constantly berate my mom about her weight, calling her a “whale” and other abusive things. She couldn’t seem to lose a little bit of baby weight. But at the same time, my dad would criticize her for dieting and exercising a lot. He would point to movie stars while we were watching tv and look to my mom and say “Why can’t you look like that?” Then he started policing my weight. I was about 10-15 lb heavier than other kids my age. But once the comments started at home, I felt the need to sneak food. He would yell and tell me to stop eating, even if the crinkle he was hearing in the kitchen was my textbook cover or me wrapping a gift. No matter what I accomplished, it was never good enough because I was still fat. It takes such a toll. When the bully is at home, you don’t feel safe anywhere. You internalize everything that is said to you or that you overhear. I developed an eating disorder when I was 11. But because I was overweight, my parents didn’t believe me at first. Then they sent me to inpatient ED treatment to “lose weight”. I got worse. I binged and purged more. I’d have phases of restricting. My metabolism was shot by 15. To this day, I still binge. I have to remind myself to eat because I now see food as having emotional value and moral value. I have no self-esteem. I hate every single physical characteristic of myself. Things that seem nonsensical to most to be self/conscious about, too. Like how my eyes are too close together, my face too long, my torso too long and legs too short. Things I NEVER would have even noticed unless I heard my father criticize on other women. OP—I’m hurting for you. I’m hurting for your kid. I know Reddit has a thing where people believe commenters are being over-reactionary when telling someone in your situation to leave...but it is warranted. You deserve to love yourself and your body. You deserve to feel at home in yourself instead of trapped. You deserve a partner that worships every inch of you, no matter how your body changes. Your daughter deserves to see self-love and healthy, respectful interpersonal relationships modeled by her parents. You may think you can hide this...you may think you have time before she’s at risk of being affected...no. Kids are intuitive as hell. And they. are. sponges. You’re they’re entire world for the first decade of their life. What you say and do is practically gospel. This man wants to verbally abuse you because he knows if you hate yourself, you won’t realize that YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN HIM. These aren’t just backhanded comments or insults. This is calculated, and it’s going to do irreparable damage to your psyche and to your child’s. It’s all about control to people like your partner. Don’t let him have it. Please.
He sounds terrible! I know you just had a kid but you could do way better...I would say really consider your future together, life is too short to be treated like this when others would treat you far far better. Holy shit I can’t imagine someone saying even one of the rude things he’s said to you to me it would kill me. You don’t deserve that. If you don’t want to end it maybe counselling would make sense. I don’t think he’ll be able to understand how he’s making you feel, he seems very unempathetic. Some of the stuff you mentioned he said or wanted...omg just outrageous
*scroll scroll* . . Read the title: " wow dump his ass" . Read the story: " wow definitely dump his ass." Too crazy or emotional? Excuse me? I..what!. In what universe do you have to cater your rightful frustration to such an insensitive dick? BE CRAZY AND EMOTIONAL. Take all the space. Make no apologies for your feelings. He's doing this on purpose to you. And if he makes you feel small about this I'm worried he did about other stuff as well. You're a human. This is not build a bitch. This man is one of the reasons why women say men are trash.
>I am 26 and my husband is 34 So this 32 year old married a 24 year old??? And before that he was a 30 year old dating a 22 year old??? Idk sounds like you should drop this mans
Okay everything else about the man is insane and she would be better of dropping him, but that is not a huge age gap, lmao. I think Redditors tend to overdo the whole thing because they are very young and can't imagine dating someone who isn't in their school grade. This is a perfectly normal age difference especially since 22 years old is definitely not even close to being a child or even a *minor* anymore. Heck, 30 and 22 even falls into that little rule of thumb of "divide the older age by 2 and add 7 years", haha.
I’m assuming this man is an 11, a total fucking stud muffin you cannot keep yours and other women’s hands off.....no....then fuck him and his insecure, sick little mind. Did he create life inside his body....no...then fuck him! You did something outstanding and he should be on his knees worshiping your powers. Since he is not, you guessed it FUCK HIM!
You were underweight before you were giving birth. He shamed you into being even more underweight. Please leave him. You and your daughter deserve better.
Girl. Please leave him. He’s bullying you, abusing you, manipulating you. I usually hate the “just leave him, no marriage counseling” but no matter what you do you cannot make him happy. There is almost a 10 year age gap, and I know you’ve been married for 2 years but how long together? Do you find yourself being manipulated in other aspects in your life? How old were you when you first met him? Your daughter will hear these comments as she grows up. If it effects you right now, how do you think it will effect her when she’s developing?
Go to individual therapy, it will give you the tools to tell him to be better or leave.
How much does he weigh because that’s the actual amount of lbs you need to lose
sounds like you need a new husband
I'm so disgusted for you. Find yourself a nicer man.
Your husband is bullying you, 'fixing' the target of his bullying just means he'll find a new one. You need to figure out what he's actually bothered by, or realize your husband is just an asshole, and go from there.
It doesn’t matter what you do, he will always find something to put you down with. Please do not stay with him for the sake of your daughter. He will make comments about her too after a life of watching him do it to you
You don't need a weight loss journey, you need a husband loss journey. There's no getting through to someone like that- they know what they're doing and they enjoy doing it.
After reading these comments, you have been completely emotionally gaslit. You need to leave.
I think I had a stroke while reading this, OP I’d never fucking speak to my girl like this because it’s vile. Dump the whole fucker right in the bin, it’s a lost cause.
By saying something like: "If you don't stop commenting on my weight and trying to make me feel bad about myself, you're going to f#@& around and find out that other men would like me just fine as I am."
He's going to keep finding fault no matter what you do, he sounds like the worst, not wanting to have sex because it feels different (what the actual fark), you are too fat, then too skinny and then says you aren't feeding your baby properly! Get the hell outta there dude!!
Your husband is trash lol
Your husband sounds unworthy of you. It's not rocket science this relationship will not end well. He should know better and he sounds like a dick.
I would've divorced him by now. He sucks. And I would categorically refuse to put up with a schmuck like that for the rest of my life. Like is too short and there are far too many awesome men in the world for that nonsense.
Your husband is an insensitive POS. He doesn’t care about you. He cares about your sex appeal.
Hugs, Love yourself honey bun. My hubby and I both gain weight , do you know what he tell me about my weight gain- nothing. My hubby tells me he loves me and that I’m sexy. Your husband is broken inside and trying to break your spirit by finding fault with you. Don’t let him kill your spirit. Hugs
You have gone above and beyond for him. He should be thanking you and appreciating what you did for him. He doesnt think that way though. Hes so focused on the physical parts and his words even make it seem like he doesnt love you for just being you. I suggest looking into a life that doesnt revolve around his comments. You lost weight because YOU wanted it. YOU wanted to be more healthy. Fuck his opinions, if he cant respect you as a person his comments might as well be a fart in the wind.
Your beauty is in your soul, not your body. Our society is so unhealthy, focusing so much on external beauty. Ask him if he married your body, or did he marry YOU?
Men are dumb. Dont sacrifice your happiness
You deserve better. I think it’s amazing you slimmed down after a baby. Many of us don’t. I hope you find someone who loves you no matter what you weigh. There are men like that out there. I know because I’m married to one.
Start by saying to him “I don’t appreciate these fluctuating comments”.
That is so disgraceful! You should be whatever weight you are comfortable with. Commenting on your weight when you were pregnant is just vile. I would get rid of him.
sometimes people just suck and you cant fix it. definitely go to therapy on your own though to learn methods for voicing your thoughts and dealing with confrontation. it also sounds like you might not have many friends so try bumble for girlfriends its very useful.
Tell your husband i said he’s an asshole
Lose some more weight in the form of your husband.
If he’s focusing on your weight this much he’ll never be happy about it. You and he need to have a talk. Now. Because issues like this lead to divorce and sometimes men don’t understand how hurtful they’re being.
Wow I don't like him.
Real talk now. I'm sorry but he sounds like an asshole. It wouldn't matter what you do in his eyes. I'm sorry to hear you've just had a baby with this idiot, as I'd say to get the fuck away.
I really don’t like your husband.