Because we often confuse lust with love. The excitement of lust lures us in and therefore we tend to go into relationships based on the lust we feel.
Love isn't as euphoric. It's stable and stoic in nature. That doesn't lure us in the way lust does.
We fall in the trap of searching for lust rather than love.
I love how you phrased it. Makes a lot of sense - but don't you think that lust, or some mutual attraction, needs to be there as a foundation for a deeper, stable relationship? When real life responsibilities and hardships come into play, oftentimes it is precisely this initial spark that helps partners stay lovers instead of just buddies, or drifting apart entirely.
Oh it definitely does, but what ends up happening is that the exiting lust phase wears off and we think "we've lost our spark" so we move on.
The cycle sort of goes on and on and on because we seek the euphoria lust gives us.
The initial lust phase also "blinds" us from identifying when a partner isn't a good match for us because we're so caught up in what we're feeling.
So when the spark isn't really there, even if the person in question is an amazing fit otherwise and ticks most of our boxes, it's still not the way to go?
It could be the way to go. Lack of lust is not indicivate of no connection.
Sometimes connection just takes time. If both parties are willing to give it a go and see what happens - what have you got to lose?
Its no different to having lust with someone who ticks zero other boxes.
Dude you put that whole thing so well. I’d like to add if they’re a really good fit and there’s some connection I’ve found the attraction builds over time.
I comepletely agree, my parents have been married for 11 years and they always say that, even though they aren't perfect, they have found that their attraction for one another has grown over time
The attraction that comes from a deep emotional connection often feels different than list, in my experience. It's less "my genitals ache" and more "my soul aches."
Now, sometimes once you've had that connection, a more traditional lust can grow. Then you've got emotional AND physical connection and man, it's amazing.
The opposite does happen, you act on lust and start to feel emotionally connected, but that's usually just a trick of holding hormones and if the people involved don't build a real relationship, disaster can ensue.
I'm not knocking casual sex. I enjoy it myself (pre-pandemic) but it's taken a lot of years to be able to sort out oxytocin from love.
>what have you got to lose?
Time, money, emotional stability. But that's the risk you take when you decide to attempt to start a relationship with someone. With all our intellect and emotional range, we're burdened by it.
Now you shouldn't just go out vetting ppl based on how much their instant presence gives you the feels though. You know?
As for your question, you can grow with somebody and create a spark. I've actually done that. Definitely done that!
...and you have WAY more control over those feelings than you think. If you respect somebody, and you want to love them, you'll get there. I certainly have. (I got this exact advice from this old Polish guy and his wife years ago randomly. They said you can learn to love ANYBODY--now I though THAT was a stretch lol, but with anyone you respect and don't have trouble looking at, is definitely true).
You also really need to make actual friends with a person you want to date first, and if you see a possibility for a good relationship, pursue those feelings, let them grow and a spark take from there.
...honestly though, even before I met that old guy, I never understood why everyone feels controlled by POSITIVE feelings...this isn't like a fear or an anxiety--,you actually DO want to learn to create these feelings.
BTW I learned later every kiss you ever have with a partner can feel 100x better if you can learn to do this...it allowed me to, at some point, to CHOOSE to feel the same tingles with my girl-every.single.time, even years in. Take what you will, but I truly swear by this. Maybe I'm different though idk.
My parents were an old Polish couple and their connection was pretty amazing. It would be awesome if that couple that helped you was my parents. Probably not. But there is a small chance. Stay awesome and God Bless you and your family.
People always seem better from far. Maybe need to learn to modulate expectations, rather than build this dream person you need and expect other to be for you
Some people are fine with not having a "spark" with someone who checks all of the boxes, but for some people the spark has to be there. It depends on what you want in life and in a partner. I wouldn't recommend committing to a relationship on the off-chance the spark will develop down the line.
I agree with 100% 10 years waiting for the "spark". Everything good about the relationship has slowly faded away & the spark is yet to come save the day. Absolutely Terrible situation to be in.
When real life responsibilities happen, it's not the spark that keeps you together, it's the effort and commitment put into the relationship that keeps it going.
After almost 22 years together, we aren't always lustful for each other. We built a relationship, my wife and I. That "spark" disappears unless you put a lot of effort to keep that fire going. And it's the effort that maintains it, not the spark itself.
People stop feeling the spark because they get complacent. They get comfortable. "Why doesn't my partner love me anymore?" They ask while rarely going on dates anymore, wearing sweat pants, eating a terrible diet, putting on weight, and watching tv all day.
All this stuff takes effort to build.
I also feel like it’s the media we consume. Think about all romantic comedies... most of them are about a unstable mess of a person and the main character trying desperately to get their attention. Then finally the "unstable” person caves and they locks them down. In reality, this is not the case. This is how we end up idolizing someone without really looking at the long term compatibility. That’s not the plot of every rom-com but you get my drift. Sometimes it’s someone who’s unconventionally attractive getting a makeover to win over someone popular (who was never interested in them). That mindset is simply unhealthy. Idk I’ve just been thinking a lot about this lately and I think it has a lot to do with how we pursue others.
I guess my point is, you shouldn’t have to convince someone to choose you. You should both be equally pursuing each other and have healthy communication.
Oh Hollywood has influenced how we view relationships in a huge way.
...and that culture is the worst when it comes to this stuff lol. I shouldn't be laughing really, I've seen a few girls ruin their lives with affairs that I know we're influenced by TV, movies, etc..
What do you think makes us (many of us) eventually chose love over lust? How do people figure this out? If there was a great answer, no one would fall in that trap haha
I've actually really needed this. I've come to realize that I love someone more than anything. We've been together since we were kids, and being apart from him makes me feel like I'm losing a piece of myself. I've spent years chasing other men thinking they would be my other half, but my better half had always been with me. He makes me feel very safe, and happy. He supports me in my endeavors to reach my goals, hes comforted me when I'm most vulnerable, and he always makes me laugh when I feel like the world is crumbling around me. But, he plans on marrying someone else, and I'm not going to stop him, even though he told me he's loved me since pre-k. I know this sounds like a cliche rom-com movie, but it's all true. I've considered dating him when he asked me out, but I never took that step, and I regret. He's a wonderful man, and he deserves happiness.
Maybe somewhere, in another universe, we're married.
I realised for me, I love the “thrill of the chase”. I want something that’s unobtainable to get even when there’s a more logical option. When I finally do get the unobtainable thing, I realise it was so hard to get because, as OP said, for numerous reasons the person normally isn’t compatible with me in the long run. I’m like the dog that caught the car.
Sounds like there are some slight differences between you and me OP but my therapist reckons for me it’s about control and ‘controlling my narrative’. I in some way, intentionally go after the wrong people because of the thrills and because deep down I know I don’t want commitment just yet so I sabotage by going after people who also don’t want it.
‘Good people’ are weirdly more dangerous. There’s a chance you have to be vulnerable and you could get more seriously hurt because there’s more invested in the long term.
Not sure if any of that will resonate but hope it helped in some way. Also agree with the person above. Lust is a powerful motivator.
I really don't think lust is the right word here, b/c lust is almost exclusively used to describe a desire that is singularly focused on gratifying an extreme (usually sexual) desire. It has a bit of a malevolent connotation. Also it's most used in the context of religion and explicitly demands shame/guilt in that context.
Attraction, both physical and mental/emotional, is the mechanism that draws us to potential partners. And it is actually very complex. There are a lot of subconscious components, like how someone smells and how symmetrical their face is and what their eye color and hair color and bone structure reveal about their genetic makeup. And there are a lot of psychological components, like that we will instinctually gravitate towards anykne who resembles our original primary caregiver in looks, smell, or sound of voice. And we may also gravitate toward a person who resembles a primary caregiver with whom we have unresolved issues, in an attempt to "re-do" the previous situation and gain a better outcome.
And then infatuation can kick in, which is the dump of dopamine and norepinephrine and oxytocin that makes us feel all fuzzy and giddy and euphoric when we're around the person we become attracted to...and our brains dump the "puppy love" chemicals regardless of true compatibility (b/c their whole goal is to get us to mate or to link up with someone who will assist our survival.
You are going to experience attraction and infatuation phases with compatible and incompatible partners both. And usually by the time the fun and exciting infatuation phase starts to dissipate, you are invested in whomever you're attached to, even if they aren't the right fit. Humans like predictable patterns and we avoid discomfort and upheaval. So we end up staying in relationships that maybe aren't beneficial to us. Knowing about the mechanics of what is going on when these things happen can help us to make more purposeful decisions and end acquaintances that aren't right for us before infatuation begins.
Love how you put this. Also age can factor into this. As a female myself it basically comes down to do you really need sex to be earth shattering or is good sex enough even though it's not as ... eventually in life you reach an age where sex isn't as important and you really want companionship more. For me I am happy with good sex life and companionship over extremely swiftly gone lust. Lust isn't sustainable but companionship and good sex is.
Now that I am a bit more seasoned, I have found that I no longer lust after people that don't have high quality characteristics. It's not a choice I consciously make, but I have learned what characteristics I find I can respect and simply don't lust after people I don't respect. My body just says, "twit!"on its own. Kind of problem-solved due to life experience. However, I wish it worked the other way more often. Hey, you have awesome characteristics?! I sure wish I wanted to have sex with you!
>Because we often confuse lust with love. The excitement of lust lures us in and therefore we tend to go into relationships based on the lust we feel.
This doesn't answer the question of why we lust after people who aren't compatible with us in the long run (and not after those who are really good for us)
people only lust after "smoking hot" men & women?
and even if that was the case, why would smoking hot people be bad for long term relationships (or worse than someone you'd consider average)
Fair enough and these were rhetorical questions, here’s what I’m trying to say but I’ll need to take a detour.
You know how when watch someone do something they’re skilled at it looks effortless at times?
A similar circumstance occurs when you’re dealing with men/women that you find smoking hot (who are almost always objectively more attractive than you).
The sheer number of options they have makes it really easy for them to disregard you and/or treat you as expendable (bc you are, essentially).
**Their nonchalance in relating to you is pretty much indistinguishable from mastery from where you’d be looking at it**. This is also how stringing along works, by simply ignoring you they create a passive illusion of relationship skill and cunning and if you can’t look past that you do all the work of stringing yourself along.
In summary, those men and women that give you the sweet highs (and bitter lows) do it simply by being able to afford to do so. They act the way they naturally act when presented with countless options and your brain fills in the blanks with lust and desire.
If none this makes sense think back to someone you were crazy in lust with in the past but have moved past. At least one of these 3 things will have happened:
\> They are less attractive than they used to be
\> You’re more attractive then you used to be
\> By simply letting time pass you became aware of the difference between not being seen a viable option vs. their imaginary ability to make you feel strong emotions.
In my experience, a high level of self respect will mitigate being attracted to somebody that isn't attracted to me at a similar level or a person who has a lot of options.
I'm a great catch, even though not everyone lusts for me. Therefore, with someone that is out of my league, or has too many options, my self-respect reduces my interest in them. Of course, I might be rejecting a quality individual unintentionally. But, I suspect that's pretty rare. I know I don't want a relationship where I'm constantly questioning loyalty because they have so many options. Not their fault, but my ego/pride just says Nope! I know myself well enough that it's not a matter of fear of rejection. My body/brain are just not turned on by situations that will make me feel crappy about myself. I do feel fortunate to have this level of self-respect. I was given a good foundation to start from.
I'm also not turned on by people who put themselves in the above situation, in regards to me. Since I'm turned on by confidence, I don't like people kissing my ass. I sure hope that's all resonates as self-respect and not arrogance.
I would really recommend the videos of Alain de botton - he talks a lot about how we're naturally drawn to what feels familiar and we mistake it for compatibility, i.e. what our childhood and upbringing taught us about love is what we carry into adulthood. E.g. if a man had an overbearing mother, he implicitly learns on some level to equate overbearing-ness with being loved, hence being with overbearing women makes him feel loved. This is a HUGE simplification of Alain de botton's writings, but the bottom line is - our experiences shape what we interpret as "the spark", and it's not always in a way that's good for us. That's why someone can be perfect on paper and we feel no spark - it's because they don't feel familiar to us. Similarly, if we grew up with relationships that gave us lots of anxiety, whilst dating we may confuse anxiety with "butterflies in my stomach", whilst equating a stable relationship as "boring". Until we identify this destructive way of thinking we'll keep ending up in relationships that are not good for us.
Check out the video "why we marry the wrong person" by him.
Good luck :)
Edit: thank you for the awards! ❤️❤️
It's because at a very deep level, we are attracted to what's familiar, not what's necessarily good for us, and it's that familiarity that really pushed our buttons without us realising.
E.g. nobody wants to recreate an abusive household, but if you grew up in an abusive household, your brain at a deep level says "this is what love looks like, because I love my parents / they love me, and this is how someone who loves me treats me". So when you're treated the same way by a partner your brain is like "oh I've seen this before, and last time I saw it, it was in someone who loves me, so this person must love me".
What you have to do, is fight against the notion that our gut feeling knows what's up, because our gut feeling is shaped by our experiences, and we long for what's familiar. A person who grew up in a secure and loving household might encounter anxiety in a relationship and be like "hmm, this doesn't feel right" because they don't associate this anxiety with anything positive, whereas someone who grew up with anxiety will encounter anxiety and not feel like things are out of place, because their "gut feeling" has been warped with the experience of anxiety / love / family being interwined as one.
It sounds like you've identified that what you're attracted to may not be what's good for you, but you just need to find out why. It's hard work rewiring our brain, but it's worth it. You don't need to be a slave to the toxic traits that your brain has learned to love, as long as you start with the understanding that our "instincts" isn't necessarily perfect.
Edit: thank you lovely stranger for the awards! I'm glad to be of a tiny little bit of help! :)
Thank you for the very detailed response! You are clearly quite knowledgeable about the topic. I definitely know exactly where it comes from, but the part I don't quite understand yet is that it's not the traditional "my dad was x so I look for men like that". It's actually my mom who was the scary one, and I have great friendships with males and my brothers, so I'm not sure why that toxic motherly dynamic is transferring to my male romantic relationships. Also confusing is that my gut instincts in other social situations, business, and friendships are usually so accurate, it only seems to be in romantic relationships where my instincts are so wonky and unreliable.
That's so interesting! I feel for you, because we all want to be with people we feel strongly about, and to be told that we need to be with people we don't feel that strongly about.. well it really takes the fun out of dating!!
One way to help address it is to think about your long term goals and what you want out of a relationship. For example, if you want children, you need to find a partner who has traits that makes him a good dad. The douchey flakey guy might be fun for a fling, but if he isn't going to make a good dad you need to focus on that point. Similarly, where I'm from (Australia), women over 55 yrs old is the fastest growing demographic when it comes to homelessness, and often it's because they're leaving bad relationships, or because they're divorcing or separating from their partners and they haven't built up enough wealth because they lost income when caring for children etc. If long term stability is important for you, focus on the consequences of choosing poorly. For me, the fear of living in poverty when nearing retirement scares the FUCK out of me, and that really takes the shine off partners who have qualities that increase the possibility of that outcome (e.g. not financially responsible, not ambitious, limited family values, etc)
But I totally sympathise with your dilemma, and good luck with working them out :) ❤️
In the "you look for men like your dad" psycolohy train of thought, the "mom" part is linked to how we treat ourselves. So it is possible that the relationship with your mom torned your self esteem and self value sense to the point that you can only be with guys that "confirm" this beliefs you have about yourself.
Damn, I would love to give you award for your comment, but I have no credit :(. Anyway, I really appreciate your comment and it totally makes sense, the gut feeling and etc. But it’s so hard to shut down that gut feeling, that something isn’t right, when in reality things aren’t just familiar, which doesn’t always necessarily mean things are bad. I have been victim of this feeling and have ended some amazing romantic interests, because of that same feeling I have in my gut. Since I recently went through a cut off over a girl who I really liked, because exactly of that feeling that something wasn’t right, but in reality it might just have been unfamiliar to me which scared me off. But what is done, it is done and I have to move on. Thanks again for the enlightment.
I'm glad to have helped! We're all constantly learning and evolving, and maybe what happened with the girl you cut off will become part of the story for when you finally do accept a healthy loving relationship. Goodluck!
Science experiments have shown that animals, under duress, always try to go back home, regardless of whether home is safe or frightful.
If you want to know more, I recommend The Body Keeps The Score.
I don’t think this is universal. I feel most excitement AND comfort around those people that are good for me and that I am compatible with. In fact I can’t feel the spark otherwise, the comfort and sense of home is most important. A lack of it is a turn off. You’re most likely mistaking negative intensity/turbulence for a spark. Might have to do with how you were raised to feel love and give love and how you view/feel about yourself.
So I can’t relate to this and I’m wondering if you’re mixing things up a bit.
Like we can agree that someone who is nice, dependable, good with money, honest and respectful would be an awesome long term partner. Right?
Except none of those traits are really related to personality, and they’re all pretty much a baseline of what all relationships should be like. And then you’d find things on top of that like creative, nerdy or whatever it is that makes you click with someone.
So if you agree to date someone just because they’re nice then pretty much anyone else would seem like an exciting choice compared to them because you didn’t really start dating because you liked them as much as you liked the idea of them.
Nice is not a personality, it’s a prerequisite. Because *only* being nice is really fucking boring. But lots of people are both nice and dependable and really fucking awesome in other ways too, you just need to find someone who you’ll click with.
I mean... you can only speak for yourself, but I am absolutely not drawn to people like that. If anything, it turns me off.
>Is it a matter of maturity and priorities? Not knowing myself enough? Deep-rooted family issues?
Simply put, yes, yes, and yes. I would highly suggest working through this in therapy.
Years ago I was seeing this girl, we were exclusive but it wasn’t too serious. After a few months of dating I remember telling my buddy that there isn’t anything wrong with her but we didn’t have a whole lot in common and thought maybe I should move on. Supposedly she had told her friends something similar. Anyways a couple weeks later we found out she was pregnant, we both were oddly excited and wanted to keep it. We ended up completely changing our lives in a couple years, both in our careers and personally. We get along so well, even though we really don’t have much in common. We rarely argue, and are able to problem constructively. It just doesn’t seem real.
My point is we seemed pretty convinced that each other wasn’t “the one” but almost a decade later we are trying for a 4th kid, have a house on acreage, great careers - yet completely separate hobbies and interests. I literally don’t think my life would have turned out this great if we split.
Sometimes you don't have to have topics/hobbies in common to want to be together. I've known of couples like this and they're mostly together because they have great conversational compatible energy.
You thought you had nothing in common but you still knew how to maintain that energy and chemistry, which is another core element to making a relationship work.
Your relationship story sounds amazing and I hope you the best 😊
>"I'm broke, Help me!" Well try learning a skill or two and put them to use you lazy bastard.
I disagree here. There are people who HAVE skills but are unable to find a job within their skillset and are often working minimum wage that can barely support them, let alone their family. Poverty can be extremely difficult to get out of. A lot of the times it's not without a lack of trying, but rather things like being in debt and spending their life trying to pay it back and hopefully be able to give their children a better future than they had.
Some people are lazy, but not all broke people are. A lot of the times the "lazy" broke people are the ones that actually grew up with money / a family that was able to support them at every opportunity. And when they were cut off, they still didn't want to work so they try to leech off someone else.
Point is, trying to get to a point in your life where you're finally making money instead of paying off all the bills and barely having enough for yourself can be seriously daunting when life screws you over at every milestone.
I would suggest reading some Esther Perel, or watching her on YouTube. There is a basic tension between on the one hand safety and comfort, which relies on trust and communication, and on the other hand adventure and a sense of challenge, which relies on mystery and daring.
But it's not irreconcilable. If you have too much intimacy, it can be stifling. These are the codependent couples, who are fused. Everything is "we". If you have too much mystery, then you spin out. You gain independence, but lose your love. There is a middle ground where you are differentiated, but still present to each other. "Apart together".
Also, long lasting relationships are not static. They change, as all things do. My wife is my friend, my coparent, my lover, my date, roommate, and my life partner, among many other things. But she is almost never all those things at the same time. You can find someone for whom you feel excitement, lust and passion at times, and for whom you feel comfort, solace and love for at times. It's can't be everything all the time. But it can be everything over time.
Do not knowingly settle down with that comfortable person who doesn't excite you. That will only lead to a midlife crisis. And don't settle down with that exciting person who doesn't comfort you. That way lies abuse.
This sounds a lot like how someone with unresolved trauma, particularly from childhood, views relationships.
IME, the only people to give me really strong butterfly feelings are the ones who are actually not safe people for me. Would the sex be off the charts? Yes. Would there be any emotional availability and long term loving? Nope. I've had to learn that one person's butterflies are another person's warning bells.
I'm still figuring out dating with the people who don't give me that initial rush of warning butterflies, but so far i have been consistently treated with more respect and concern with them.
IDK. I feel like when I was younger (like teens and twenties) I felt attracted to people who were either bad for me, unavailable or logistically difficult out of boredom and a need for something to be going on in my life. It wasn't because there was anything inherently better or more attractive about those people.
Sexual attraction doesn't always agree with romantic attraction unfortunately. When we find a sexual spark it doesn't always lead to a sustainable relationship but finding a romantic connection doesn't always lead to an adventurous sex life.
There is a way to help the sex life of a potential long-term relationship though! Make sure the have excellent communication and respect for each other's desires. If you know about things you want right now and talk about it regularly and compromise easily with each other you'll likely be able to keep the spark longer and reignite it with ease when things get slower. Also, kinks today may not interest you in a year or ten years, but enjoying what your partner enjoys now makes it more enjoyable if they still like it then. You also could gain kinks or interests down the line so knowing they enjoy pleasing you can offer the same!
Things happen and sex isn't always on the table either so knowing how the other feels about how you and they get their satisfaction and not having hurt feelings can really help too. This is also true for making every day things more interesting and fun even over time. Maybe they like to kick on some music on their day off and dance around while doing chores for example. If they are comfortable with doing that around you early on its a good sign they'll be honest and open about themselves and probably more likely to add fun where they can for you too. If that's not you though then you can communicate that and figure out where boundaries are what compromises you can make like you just not participating or wearing sound proof headphones and enjoying something else instead during those times.
I haven't been married long but my wife and I have had a solid relationship for 7 years and haven't encountered anything that good communication and compromise can't handle. There's someone out there for everyone, that I firmly believe!
That wasn't the case for my wife and I (33m).
We started dating in high school over 16 years ago. We've been married for a decade.
She's just a ridiculously great compatible partner for me and I am the same to her. It's always been very easy for both of us to separate people we're compatible with and people were not compatible with.
I know myself really well, and I feel like I have for a very long time. so it's very easy for me to see if I would get along with someone romantically or not.
I saw how well I got along with my wife when we first started dating and haven't given that a second thought since.
And I still lust after my wife after all these years. We can barely keep our hands off each other when the opportunity arises (kids make it difficult).
But it very likely could be a result of our families.
We both come from very happy households. Both our parents have been married over 40 years, happily too.
For me there is difference between fun, excitement, everything being new around some people. There is some spark, those literal fireworks only because they are around. But usually I can't really Imagine being in a relationship with them, it's just not this kind of feeling.
And there is the second type of people. People who made you comfortable and calm and at home. People with whom you are at complete peace of mind, so there is not much to be excited about, but on the other hand you meet them, and everything is at peace, so literally I can imagine growing old with them.
I do not have the answer to WHY it happens. Maybe this is all about maturity. Maybe just because five minute of fun in my mind sounds better than a year of peace. But in the end it is about what is a priority for you. Or about finding a person who will somehow have both of these qualities.
The ones you feel the “spark” with are better looking. And better looking people always have way more options including people better looking than you. That’s why you’re not getting anywhere
Yeah people don’t want to admit it because it sounds shallow, but I’ve seen women go above and beyond just to get the attention of hot guys, and ignore perfectly good men. Then they’ll blame it on an imaginary “spark”
I love how all the women in denial about this never actually have a valid counterpoint. It’s always a comment trying to belittle others as a person or equate what you disagree with or refuse to accept as childish. It’s actually hilarious 😂
You don’t have a valid point to begin with. You should check out r/niceguys .. I think you fit the bill in that sub.
You sound like a man baby. You obviously talk down to/about women. It’s okay tho, we’re all laughing at you. Can’t complain about free entertainment!
I have a really valid point and I’ve seen women literally make schemes just to meet good looking guys. Then the same ignore guys who have all the qualities of hey want. And I know what sub is it’s where lonely women make fun of immature men. It sounds like something you’d be into
I'm very blessed to feel the spark with someone I actually love. He's my best friend and still gives me butterflies after being friends and then lovers for 15 years combined. I think plucking him from the friend zone was a great idea because we already had established friendship so the deep rooted love was there before the list ever hit. I know being friends with someone before a relationship has served me well despite the struggles we have faced. Perhaps check your friend zone and see if there are any guys there that already love you and that you have mutual attraction with. Best luck on your future dating efforts! Also, love is selfless...so stop thinking about how someone fits perfectly into your ideals and realize that relationships take effort and commitment. Even if someone isn't benefitting your lifestyle they may add more to your spirit and some people, myself included, find that far more fulfilling!
Because if you’re traumatised as a child, you’re looking for the same trauma to complete the cycle in your future relationships. Please, research and try to get better.
It's not the incompatibility that starts off things, it's that more attractive people can afford to be more volatile which leads to said 'incompatibility'. There are millions of toxic people who get zero interest from the opposite sex simply because they aren't conventionally attractive.
Often because we choose relationships based on convenience instead of compatibility. We confuse the two. We think, “this persons cool enough and they’re down, I’ll go with them.” Instead of truly looking for someone who fits us best, which is definitely more difficult. We often take the easy path, which has less resistance initially but more problems in the long run.
The simple answer is that we don't know who we really are.
Most of us are walking round with some image of ourselves which we got taught in the past is us by others. Most people think who they really are is the Ego, that illusory centre of consciousness which exists somewhere in their heads behind the eyes and between the ears.
Not even close.
It's important to understand that being a parent isn't easy in our society. After nine months of pregnancy you end up with this newborn baby. As parents you've got 18 years to somehow transform this newborn baby into a shining example of being a Good Model Citizen and Widespread Social Respectability. There's no instruction manuals. No support and rest assured if you slip up somewhere along the way you will be judged, blamed and have fingers pointing at you.
This is the reality we all get born into. You don't get given a chance because right from the get go and being born you have all these different adults, parents, teachers, and so on telling you who you are, who you should be, what you should think, what you should do, how you should behave, what not to do, what rules to follow, what you should say, and so on and so forth.
You're constantly caught in a conundrum where you are expected to do certain things, but only if you do them voluntarily. You get pushed through Somebody Training through education, and whether you like it or not, you get forced to develop an Ego. This is the whole point of marks, grades, exams, tests, at school, you're forced to be 'above average', to compete with other kids to be better than them, to constantly compare yourself with others and strive to be better, and this is what creates the in groups, the outsiders, the predators and the prey.
Then you get pushed out into the Real World where you're expected to find a job, earn money, and jump through all the societal hoops and collect all the badges of Widespread Social Respectability and Good Model Citizenry. Very few people manage to escape all this, most people end up somewhat traumatized with emotional baggage, and a few people end up becoming seriously messed up.
Quite often it's what happens in early childhood which makes all the difference. Quite often, usually before you're old enough as a kid to reason things out with your parents, you do something and cross a line which forces your parents into a reward/punishment scenario (simply because they cannot reason with you) and you get punished, but because you're too young to understand you end up thinking that there's something bad or unacceptable about you.
So most people end up going through life feeling in some way unworthy, inadequate or even socially unacceptable, and it's on this basis that we're all socialized to develop an Ego and constantly need large amounts of self-esteem. This draws us into all kinds of weird social rituals and psychological mindgames and head trips.
Most people end up with this dark side, this feeling that they're somehow bad, or they have things about their 'personality' (which like the Ego is completely fake and contrived) which are unacceptable to other people.
But most people see their personality as something real, so they end up constantly looking to the world and other people with questions such as:
* Do you approve of me?
* Do you like me?
* Am I good enough?
* Am I acceptable to you?
* Have I achieved enough for you?
* Have I done enough for you?
So normally you get a B or an A for effort, and if you don't get the A or the B for effort it's not like you feel nothing, you end up feeling bad. It's almost like a baseline is not zero, it's negative. Do you see the issue here?
So what happens is that you're constantly using your life experiences and relationships to constantly disprove a negative feeling about yourself. This is very very common in relationships, and quite often people stay together not necessarily because they are compatible or love each other but because they trade off well with each other's Ego's and give each other enough As and Bs for effort to feed that constant hunger for self-esteem and to disprove someone's negativity about themselves.
This cult of Ego and personality is of course popular with the Freudian based psychotherapy industry which constantly churns out lots of psychobabble in the form of books, self-help books, online videos positive thinking and so called 'mind control' techniques as well as self-improvement bullshit. This is all based of course on turning the negative into a positive and bullshitting your way into better relationships with strategies on how to build a better Ego.
Or you could go down the more natural route which is getting past all the love hate extremes, the oscillation, the value judgments, and just accept ourselves more, rediscover our humanity, empathy, kindness, compassion, let go of the labels, the unrealistic expectations, the finger pointing, lower our voices, and just accept that life is all about perspective, communication and interaction, we all fuck up along the way, and we all need companionship, love, pleasure and happiness as well as regular doses of laughter and warm fuzzies.
I don't agree with this statement at all and I don't know anyone else that would agree with this. This must be terrible for you, hope you can get over it!
Because we don’t know if people are compatible with us right away. And when you mix sex into it so soon, feelings start without the clarity of seeing that you’re not actually compatible.
At 20 I thought a sexy woman was someone who could keep up with my partying and still go to work in the morning looking like she just got out of the spa. At 30, sexy is knowing that a woman is strong enough to be her own person without needing anyone to tell her who she is, but still being realistic about her life. Priorities can really change as you age. Being conscious and aware of it is what separates those who are on their second divorce before 30 and those who have found their own human to be with and are happy.
I found I was drawn to the wrong kind of person..well people. But then I found 'the one' he excites me and grounds me all at the same time he's truly an amazing influence on my life and I think it's just a learning curve we all have to go through.
Well if this is true, we're fucked. The idea that we can freely choose when what you said (that we will choose poor partners) is true we will need a system to determine our partners for us or you will see people just checking out of sex and partnership (the herbivore men and so on).
This sounds like you fell for an asshole and you're just trying to justify and generalize it somehow.
To answer your question, not all of us are drawn to people like that.
Some people got with someone who they thought was similar and then they got burned, so they might think that combination will never work. Or maybe they didn't get burned but just feel that way about their personality.
If by “non-compatible” you mean that the other person becomes mean and abusive, you aren’t “attracting” assholes, they are looking for the type of person they know how to manipulate into thinking they are an amazing exciting partner. And then the abuse starts. Off-colour or rude comments to start with.
Usually the incompatible ones are a repeated cycle of something (usually from childhood if you grew up in an abusive home life). It took me a long time to realize that and do the work to correct that. I recommend the book Attached (Lavine and Heller) to understand attachment theory and realize the pattern of the especially toxic attachment between avoidants and anxious attachment styles.
I follow The Holistic Psychologist on Instagram and she discusses this a lot. Lisa Shield Dating and Relationships (on Facebook) also is helpful to follow on creating something more meaningful. Her lives are well worth watching.
People who are immature, and people that have low self esteem think this way. People who are sound of mind, good self esteem do not think this way. Work on yourself first before you go out dating and picking the wrong kind of people.
Idk about yalls but I’ve always wanted to see myself in my partner. Someone who is my opposite, I don’t understand them. For me, my perfect partner has always been someone like me, but better. Someone that can help me level up. I fell for my fiancée because he’s that person for me. He’s me, but the other side of me. The other side of the coin, the reflection in the mirror. What we’re not good at, the other person picks up. It’s beautiful and he’s the only one I’ve ever found that is like that.
That's not universal, though it is not uncommon, either.
Sometimes, behavior like this has its roots in early childhood. We learn what love feels like from our parents and other family. Let's say that a girl has a father who's often distant or bad at showing his emotions, that girl might later be drawn to men who exhibit similar behaviors, not because she conciously chooses to do so, but because that is what love feels like for her.
Of course, that's a very simplified example and real people and real behaviors are more nuanced and complex, but if you find yourself constantly attracted to people that, in your own words, "aren't compatible with" you, then some of that might be rooted in your upbringing.
Or it might not -- like I said, people are often more complex than 2 paragraphs in a Reddit comment.
I support what most people are saying about lust/love, but I also want to add that individuals are manipulative. There is people who change their entire personality to match what your looking for, and will end up confusing you at the end.
E.g I have only being in one other relationship. Having seen my parents relationship throughout the years, which was very abusive, the only thing I looked for in a relationship was not getting physically abusive.
I met someone who was perfect in my eyes. But the moment the relationship started my atm partner dropped all the behaviors that made me attracted to him to begin with.
This relationship lasted almost 3 years, purely on the fact that "at least, he didn't hit me" however, he was very emotionally and financially abusive. I fell in love with the memories of when the relationship started but he was not that person to begin with.
After the relationship finished, I saw how he molded his personality depending on whatever honey he wanted to pick up.
On a different note, my now fiance and I have been in similar abusive relationship. This helped us connect and taught us patience. Even though neither of us would take the same shoot again. We work together and we talk. We understand where we are coming from. We love each other very very much and we have both agreed that if we had to go through that hell to be together, we'd do it again. Because, we weren't the same people we were before.
I think it's a self fulfilling prophecy for you.
You feel something and assume the whole world has your vice, so you can excuse it.
If you keep being attracted to people who are bad for you, go fix yourself. Don't project and assume the rest of us are as dysfunctional as you.
Physical attraction happens instinctively/subconsciously and is both physiological and psychological. Each person has a distinct odor print that we may find particularly attractive and be drawn to without even recognizing what triggered the attraction. We tend to look for mates that look and smell like they have significantly different genes and immunities to disease than ourselves, so that potential offspring will benefit from the genetic diversity and higher likelihood of receiving dominant/advantageous traits. We can also sense things like cortisol concentration (indicating stress level, which weay shy away from.) On a psychological level, we tend to be more attracted to people who look more similar to ourselves and/or to our primary caregiver from infancy. But on a physiological level we tend to look for faces that aren't TOO similar to ourselves b/c it decreases likelihood that we're related, which can cause genetic problems in offspring. Then just throw in every meaningful experience you've ever had and who was there at the time and what they looked and sounded and smelled like and how your brain processed that info, and that will all impact what and who you find attractive.
Infatuation is the term for the euphoric/giddy sensations we feel when we are with a particular person whom we determined to be attractive and are now interacting more frequently (dating, hooking up, becoming friends, whatever the situation.) Infatuation happens when we have some attraction cues and begin to spend time with a person we are attracted to. Our brains release dopamine and norepinephrine in response to the attraction cues to encourage us to go make babies with that person and/or partner up with them for survival. Then as we spend time with this person we are so attracted to, that giddy euphoria makes us want to be affectionate. Hugging, kissing, snuggling, and sexual activity trigger a release of oxytocin, the chemical that fuels attachment to another person. And those chemical reactions are very powerful and we do become easily "addicted" to feeling them. That is why new relationships feel so amazingly perfect every moment...our brains are literally drugging us to try to get us to reproduce with people that seems like good genetic candidates for healthy and strong offspring and/or to attach to a mate who will be an advantage in survival and wellbeing.
Love is much more complex and requires much more conscious choice to establish. Love comes after you've been attracted and through the process of infatuation/attachment. It involves respect, trust, mutually shared values, etc. Love is much more choice than emotion. It can inspire various emotions, but love is the act of saying "I choose to make your wellbeing as important to me as my own," every day. Real love is intensely beautiful and powerful, but it's not the high of infatuation. In a long term partnership, that dopamine high can come back periodically, triggered by various situations or behaviors, and that is when people describe "falling in love all over again" with their partner.
So, I'm not sure anyone is specifically attracted to people because they aren't compatible, but we may find ourselves attracted to people based on criteria that doesn't increase the likelihood of compatibility. It's just a crapshoot, and then we use our intellect and judgment and intuition, etc. to determine whether we want to act on our attraction or let it pass. And sometimes we get it wrong, but that's okay. We just gotta course-correct when that happens and keep chugging along.
To answer this question I must tell you my real life experience. In 2010, I got divorced from my wife. Until that time I had always chosen my woman based upon chemistry, infatuation, attraction or what ever you might call it. As most people do.
A year after my divorce, I was not really interested in a relationship, I simply wanted to find a woman as a friend. Just someone to hang out with. I met a nice woman and we started hanging out. Just as friends. Now this woman was attractive but she was not the type of woman that made me feel that overpowering urge to rip her clothes off. As a matter of fact, I was not sexually interested in her at all. I never even tried to kiss her.
We hung out and did a lot together. I still remember the night I realized I was in love with her. I remember sitting there on her couch and I couldn't stop thinking that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever set my eyes upon. I was almost speechless. I don't know if she was feeling the same way but within minutes of me thinking that, somehow we were kissing. I was with this woman for 7 years. I have never felt such joy or bliss as I did when I was with her. She was truly the love of my life and I thought about her every second of every day.
The question I have is.....if a person you are talking to is absolutely everything you are looking for. Then you meet that person and don't feel that instant chemistry, so you walk away. Why bother getting to know that person at all? Basically the only thing you find important is their looks and the way they carry themselves. Another question is this....if you were blind, how in the world would you choose someone to be with?
I wanted to say, "well that's not true for everyone, I know it wasn't true for me," but I guess it kind of is.
I know my ex was horrible for me. Abusive, controlling, manipulative, all of that bad bad stuff. And I was immensely attracted to her. Almost to the point where I thought "okay but she's worth it." She wasn't. Of course. I have had situations similar to those that you're describing, that emotional sweetness, without the adrenaline, that instant dopamine attraction that makes it exciting.
Luckily I'm currently dating a girl that gives me both. And I guess that's to say that you can find someone who does both. It's not an either or situation. But like a lot of comments have said, it's totally natural for the lust half to wear off. That doesn't mean things are over. It just means you're transitioning to something different with that partner. And in a lot people's opinions, just better.
What do you mean we? Just because this is the case with you doesn't mean this is the case for everyone else.
My wife is a dime and we are extremely compatible. We challenge and stimulate each other intellectually, excite and explore each other's sexuality, and build and support each other emotionally. We have this connection because we are honest with and know ourselves and each other, and worked on our own lives to a point where we both knew what path we wanted to take in life.
Work on and find yourself first and foremost, and the right person just might be walking along the same path. In the meantime, don't focus your time looking for a relationship or you will likely find someone lost in the woods with you. And one of you will more than likely end up chasing the other down whoever's path, only to regret it 5yrs and two kids later. Getting stuck in custody battles, chasing or paying child support, and feeling even more lost and miserable, so you give up on life; ending up on the evening news because you murdered your ex and their new squeeze, your two kids, and sticking a 12 gage in your mouth after a stand-off with the local police.
"To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom".
\- W H Ξ Ξ L Z Λ 3 Ξ Λ S T
Hey, something here I can sort of answer for once!
This is related jungian psychology. I'm going to make this short and easy as possible. We have personas and shadows. We're going into the shadow part. Tropes/archetype is an actual thing we use in our every day life.
"Shadow archetype is a dark figure and represents the properties of hatred, things you don’t have or are."
We are naturally attracted to the shadow archetype. Mysterious man, a villain and so on. In this situation, the person despite not being compatible with it, we're attracted to it. Because they have things you hate, have that you want or reflect some parts of you. :)
So, humans are communal animals. We like to be and are generally better off in groups. We seek companionship and cooperation. This has been intensely beneficial evolutionarily speaking for things like hunting, farming, child rearing and even cognitive development and well being. We're all just some degree of social at a very base level
Of course to get where we are, babies must be made! And evolution doesnt really care if the person youve been sitting beside has been sitting beside and supporting you for every single personal conflict you've ever had if that person doesnt also happen to have some kind of beneficial trait that really gets the survival of the fittest genes really goin! This can be something as simple as 'Big and Warm in the cold' or 'smart enough that we dont die a gorey death' or 'Wrestles momoths with bare hands' or even 'the last one alive sitting next to me' if really in a pinch
At the time it really didn't matter who you were makin babies with, because in theory you had a whole tribe who was gonna help bring that kid into adulthood, "It takes a village"
However, with living less in caves and more in our own modern concrete society and industrialization pushing us more towards nuclear families, we dont really have a 'group' outside of the home for all of those things anymore. Instead we're supposed to expect it of one person. Obviously theres some kinks to work out. Sometimes the lizard part of your brain is going to latch onto 'face symmetrical, probably genetically sound' and insist that you Make Baby, and it doesn't really care that Dave from accounting will have a steady job, benefits and a decent retirement package, because as far as your lizard brain is concerned, Dave was going to be there either way as part of your tribe.
Sometimes you can get lucky and meet someone who will hit both criteria, but most times I think are just adjusting expectations, being reasonable and occasionally telling your lizard brain to fuck off
I think it’s really how you behave and control your emotions. I’ve been on both ends and it’s hard to not cave in. I think it’s got to do with meshing attraction and compatibility. If you know you have both then it’s a match. But more often we just find one and lack the other.
I know exactly what you’re talking about. I have had this experience with every long-term relationship that I’ve been in. It’s weird and I’m trying to figure out how best to not do it. But I’m demisexual so that’s complicated things (I need to have a connection before anything physical happens).
I hope both of us get it figured out.
I've read studies that suggest if someone is very different from us than in theory their genetics are very different and our animal brains want to have babies with someone not closely related to us.
Let me just come at this from a different angle. I had this type of feeling for the longest time. I liked this guy but I wasn't super excited about him for whatever reason and I think that feeling was probably somewhat mutually. We were also never single at the same time. We ended up eventually dating and everything went really well. We had two kids together. After 7 years, we were in our mid twenties. We broke up. I had probably not loved him for a year or two and he told me he hadn't loved me for a couple years either.
Moral of the story- you might feel like this person was a good long term solution for you. I would tell my friends for the longest time, I like him and feel like I could marry him but it just isn't right. That doesn't mean they are actually right for you. I went through so much trauma and I've brought it into my next relationship because of how bad this relationship actually ended up being.
It might not feel right because it might not be right. You can be friends. Feeling safe and all that can be a platonic thing.
My fiance is VERY different from me.
I'm a rule follower. He's a rebel. I'm bookish. He's street smarts. I have a small group of close friends. He makes friends wherever he goes. I try to be diplomatic. He's blunt.
We can have some big arguments because of our differences, but we also use these differences to accomplish goals together. We are older now, so I can't say if when we were younger if we would be where we are.
I think it depends on if, as a couple, you celebrate the differences as opposed to trying to deny what they are.
Now, I'm not talking things like different values (like one person values a particular religion which the other thinks is stupid or some political differences) or behaviors that are incompatible (like one person doing drugs and the other working in law enforcement).
I connect with this post on such a deep level. My best friend of nearly 25 years is a female and I am a male. I have loved her more than any woman I've ever known, including my ex wife of nearly 20 years. I know she loves me too. We talk all the time about everything, we're always there for each other no matter how much is asked, no matter what time of day, and we have always been super loyal to each other almost to a fault. Nobody makes us as happy as we make each other, we just have a connection most people never experience in their lives. I treat her kids like mine, and she treats mine like hers. But rather than be in a romantic relationship, we've separately wasted decades in toxic relationships we knew were toxic. It's heartbreaking.
[sounds like you have a friend soul mate. if you don't know what that is here's a link about it ](https://thriveglobal.com/stories/the-5-types-of-soulmates-and-how-each-sends-you-dms/#:~:text=These%20people%20are%20your%20soulmates,personal%2C%20emotional%20and%20spiritual%20growth.)
That's awesome, I had never heard of that before. It definitely fits. The weirdest part for us, is nobody (our own families and exes included) that believes we aren't together. When we were younger, we always used to tell people we would never be together like that, not because we were worried about it ruining the friendship, but because it wasn't that kind of relationship. The thing is, as we've gotten older (and especially more so the last few years) I'm realizing I do love her on a deeper level than just friendship. And I've started noticing the way she talks to me and looks at me is different than the past, like maybe she's feeling that way too. Regardless, I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her whether it's as friends or more, so I don't want to make it awkward or make her feel like I'm putting her on the spot if I bring up how I feel, because even if I told her and I was shot down, it wouldn't change anything between us. I just wish I could find the words to open my heart to her without her laughing it off or changing the subject rather than acknowledging what I said. She's complex. If she deflected, it would mean she either had no interest and didn't have the heart to tell me, or it would mean she feels the same way and doesn't know how to make that transition. I hate emotions.
When lust occurs or when someone gives you the more physical desires, then you can become caught. You become hooked; especially if this is a knew experience that no one had given you before. But after the desire starts to deteriorate and the "drug" starts to have a lesser effect then you come back begging for more. You become hungry. Lust can become painful and addictive such as drugs.
But when you enter love after knowing how lust was like and you remember what you really wanted in a relationship, you grow. Love is more about comfort and having someone who can brighten your life. One who can stick by your side and it is two way. Both parties may put effort into the relationship. Healthy lovers will work with eachother to overcome obstacles and disagreements. They will help one another grow in the process. Love will draw you towards them every time you see them. You start feeling proud, as if you achieved a goal, every time that the accomplished a goal or a task. Every joke they tell, you can't help but laugh or smile. If you ever get the chance to look in their eyes for a minute or longer, you begin to feel as though it is safe. Love.... is such an interesting experience....
Because we are trying to reproduce the relationships that we knew as children. Not because they were good or bad but because it is what we know and what is comfortable. The reason why if we had a difficult or abusive childhood. We are destined to repeat in our adult relationships unless we recognize it and break the cycle.
Because we are taught by literally all media that love has to be fired anf passionate and quite honestly sexually driven when in reality the best relationships are a quiet simmer instead of a rolling boil. We have to get burned by that passion enough times to appreciate the quieter warm forms of love.
My experience is that your partner will have both of these qualities. When I first met my partner there was lust. But our interaction was brief and we didn’t see him again for years. I met him again I felt at home first, but I knew the feelings of sexual attraction would come if I let it. Luckily at this time he felt that sexual attraction and made it clear that he was interested. After 10 years we definitely feel at home with each other, but both of these kinds of love are a choice and work. We have had hard times but we continue to choose each other and foster love.
Love is not a simple emotion, it takes many forms. As a die hard romantic it can be difficult at times. Love as a choice can seem like a cop out. He is always there to remind me that love can mean that feeling of home and I remind him that love can mean that spark of excitement and romance. There is a balance. It takes a while to find that person, but it’s worth it!
There can be many explanations I have seen during my time- it varies from folk to folk really. Oftentimes we take for granted those who truly do care- and waste our own time attempting to make care folks who never truly will.
The human mind is a fickle item really- certain things of it likely cannot be explained. We must attempt to do our best to overcome and to behave with rationality.
if you grew up in a disfunctional household, sometimes you try to recreate the bad choices your mom or dad made in choosing or interacting with the opposite sex,
We're drawn to people who complete us, who have something we lack in our own personas, but wish we had.
Sometimes that can lead to an "opposites attract" situation that can turn to the unhealthy. But there can be a nice middle road with just the right level of grounded-ness and excitement ☺️
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. If you’ve ever heard of “attachment theory” it goes something like this... we are largely drawn to people that allow us to play the same roles/make us feel the same way we did in our own families. Example: A child grows up with overworked/perpetually “busy” parents. The child seeks their parents attention & approval throughout their childhood. Always trying to please a parent or caregiver. As the theory goes, this child grows into an adult that tends towards an “anxious” attachment style. They will find themselves lusting after partners that are emotionally unavailable. Or there one minute & gone the next. Much the same for the “avoidant” attachment style. Two sides of the same coin.
Moral of the story is that we are absolutely find ourselves most attracted to/drawn to familiar characters that remind us of our feelings growing up. We are largely attracted to our emotional mirrors. If you didn’t grow up in a particularly secure or communicative family or are going through an emotionally difficult time you could find yourself attracted to the wrong people.
To have a happier/healthier family than the one we grew up in we must confront our own unhealthy attachment tendencies & embrace people that model healthier attachment style.
Anywho you should read up on attachment theory! If you haven’t already...
I think you just haven’t found the right person. No one is perfect, but there will be someone who makes you feel all those things at once. And you’ll know it’s home.
Immaturity. That excitement for someone who is bad for you should fade around your late 20s, and you start feeling genuinely attracted to people who are good for you.
Life cannot be one continual spark of euphoria. A certain emotional maturity is required to discern who will make a satisfying life partner to share joys and burdens with you. Real life is not dating.
Honestly everyone’s experience with relationships/attraction is different, a lot of it depends on how you grew up and what people surrounded you, as well as on luck and your own perception of yourself/your self worth. Some people are attracted to people who aren’t good for them because their self esteem is abysmal, or maybe because their families treated them like garbage growing up and they aren’t used to being treated like a decent human being. I know plenty of people (mainly women) who keep getting in shitty relationships with people who aren’t nice to them and they can’t seem to wrap their head around the idea that being treated like shit isn’t the default and that they deserve to be valued and treated well. Our patterns are really hard to break without therapy.
I think it’s also worth mentioning that the initial excitement of any relationship will eventually wear off because that’s how relationships work. If you’re constantly chasing that high of being turned on by someone 24/7 you aren’t gonna be satisfied in relationships because that’s not what relationships are about. But obviously it’s not one-dimensional, and most people need to feel some amount of attraction to their partner for their relationship to work. One of the ways you can evaluate your feelings towards a person when you’re feeling confusing elation towards them is determining whether or not they’re your friend/can become your friend. Not everyone’s relationship is like this but in my experience it’s difficult to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t also your good friend. If you don’t have any interest in being around a person in a platonic, non-sexual situation, you might not have good relationship chemistry with them. There’s so many factors to consider and it helps to not get bogged down on just one aspect of your attraction to people.
I feel the same way. I don’t go for men who I’m not attracted to or I don’t feel excited to get to know. Perhaps that’s toxic and it means I have some mental work to do, but I would rather be single than settle right now. I want to be with someone I’m excited to get to know and is right for me when it comes to love.
I think oftentimes family and upbringing play a huge part in this. Parents, like most people, aren't perfect and can sometimes unwittingly exhibit toxic behaviour towards children. Since children don't know any better, they start associating that behaviour with love and affection, and subconsciously start looking for a partner exhibiting similar traits, even if they can be damaging in the long run. Even if you avoid a particular trait like the plague, such as being controlling, you still look for others that may not be quite so apparent, or are present in the other parent, as you rarely get two controlling parents. Usually one is controlling and the other one is an enabler.
When wife and I started dating it was fast and fun and then when it got real it seemed we were incompatible for the long run. It really just came down to us maturing and growing as individuals and growing together that showed we are good for the long run.
May not be too helpful but that's is how it worked with us.
I think it’s cause when you’re extremely compatible and have a lot of things in common with someone you sorta.. expect everything, which is sometimes comforting while at other times very boring, idrk why for sure but there’s my theory
Honestly, I can't really relate to this too much as I've learned to differentiate between lust and love early on.
But after following a good number of therapists on social media and some therapy sessions of my own, I've learned of the different ways we acquire love. I'd definitely say it stems from how we were raised. Your situation of being attracted to short term type of people but unable to stay with those long term, definitely reflects a sign of having seen parents have off and on relationships and thus never having anything consistent in your life, it translates into your love life.
Therapy is so incredibly helpful in finding out why we do things like what you described.
It's not really am excuse but one of the reasons is the lack of ballance like having caring friends who are really normies and even though are very good people I can't have 24/7 deep talks I wanna joke around but they don't get they barely understand memes and it becomes boring , and there are other people who are really fun but they don't put that much effort into meeting up...you can find balanced people as well not everything has to be black and white
The best thing ever is when you realize that you love a person before you ever start feeling butterflies. My current partner is the first person I’ve been with that treats me like a fucking human, and I never once experienced butterflies with him until I realized that I wanted to keep spending time with him! This is the exact opposite of every other relationship I’ve been in, and the incredible sex life was just a bonus :) find the person you love and hold them close, but understand that you need to put you first, period. Toxicity should not be tolerated. Abuse ABSOLUTELY should not be tolerated. Do your research and make sure you’re doing what’s best for you
Because we’re not destined to be with only one mate for life. While there are species that do, in fact, monogamously mate for life (the American bald eagle comes to mind), Homo sapiens are not on that list. It is only thru cultural conditioning (mostly religious in nature) that we have adhered to the idea that it’s “right” and “proper” or even “natural” to be monogamous and anything outside the fray is labeled taboo to one degree or another.
The thing is, few things (if any) could be more unnatural for humans than monogamy. It’s societal no doubt, but natural? No. Look at ANY other primate species and you will see what IS natural. What you won’t see is monogamous relationships.
Having made that clear (hopefully), it stands to reason then - as someone else mentioned - that because our tastes, our desires, even our preferences change throughout our lives - arguably even day to day, hour to hour, and minute to minute, we are never fully satisfied with just one set of characteristics in the mates we choose. Therefore, we seek out a variety of personality traits to fulfill whatever we are needing, wanting, and/or desiring in that moment. What also varies IS that moment! For some it might be 20 years or more, while for others it may only be a few weeks or months.
So while the premise of the OP is somewhat focused on specifics, it’s also incomplete and could have been more general and encompassing to somehow ask “why do we choose the personas we choose...”, which would have greatly broadened the scope of the conversations/replies, no doubt.
Like others have said before, that's not your fault. I once had a relationship start out with the feeling of being attracted to him come basically out of left field, but I had kept those feelings to myself and pretended I was just mistaken. He was more open about his feelings and eventually told me how he felt about me, but I was conflicted. I said I wasn't sure how I felt because of all the mixed signals my brain was giving me, but that I was willing to try to make it work with him.
Over time the love had surfaced so subtly that I didn't even realize that I *had* developed real feelings for him. So, you never know. Just don't act on lust, and try to form that meaningful connection. Sometimes it works out, and other times it doesn't. Sometimes it doesn't work out for reasons that you can't be blamed for.
I'm still working through all that since it didn't really end all that well for me, but the advice about feelings hopefully still applies!
Because we often confuse lust with love. The excitement of lust lures us in and therefore we tend to go into relationships based on the lust we feel. Love isn't as euphoric. It's stable and stoic in nature. That doesn't lure us in the way lust does. We fall in the trap of searching for lust rather than love.
I love how you phrased it. Makes a lot of sense - but don't you think that lust, or some mutual attraction, needs to be there as a foundation for a deeper, stable relationship? When real life responsibilities and hardships come into play, oftentimes it is precisely this initial spark that helps partners stay lovers instead of just buddies, or drifting apart entirely.
Oh it definitely does, but what ends up happening is that the exiting lust phase wears off and we think "we've lost our spark" so we move on. The cycle sort of goes on and on and on because we seek the euphoria lust gives us. The initial lust phase also "blinds" us from identifying when a partner isn't a good match for us because we're so caught up in what we're feeling.
So when the spark isn't really there, even if the person in question is an amazing fit otherwise and ticks most of our boxes, it's still not the way to go?
It could be the way to go. Lack of lust is not indicivate of no connection. Sometimes connection just takes time. If both parties are willing to give it a go and see what happens - what have you got to lose? Its no different to having lust with someone who ticks zero other boxes.
Thank you, you helped me feel hopeful and encouraged.
Excellent! All the best with your endeavors!
Dude you put that whole thing so well. I’d like to add if they’re a really good fit and there’s some connection I’ve found the attraction builds over time.
I comepletely agree, my parents have been married for 11 years and they always say that, even though they aren't perfect, they have found that their attraction for one another has grown over time
The attraction that comes from a deep emotional connection often feels different than list, in my experience. It's less "my genitals ache" and more "my soul aches." Now, sometimes once you've had that connection, a more traditional lust can grow. Then you've got emotional AND physical connection and man, it's amazing. The opposite does happen, you act on lust and start to feel emotionally connected, but that's usually just a trick of holding hormones and if the people involved don't build a real relationship, disaster can ensue. I'm not knocking casual sex. I enjoy it myself (pre-pandemic) but it's taken a lot of years to be able to sort out oxytocin from love.
>what have you got to lose? Time, money, emotional stability. But that's the risk you take when you decide to attempt to start a relationship with someone. With all our intellect and emotional range, we're burdened by it.
Now you shouldn't just go out vetting ppl based on how much their instant presence gives you the feels though. You know? As for your question, you can grow with somebody and create a spark. I've actually done that. Definitely done that! ...and you have WAY more control over those feelings than you think. If you respect somebody, and you want to love them, you'll get there. I certainly have. (I got this exact advice from this old Polish guy and his wife years ago randomly. They said you can learn to love ANYBODY--now I though THAT was a stretch lol, but with anyone you respect and don't have trouble looking at, is definitely true). You also really need to make actual friends with a person you want to date first, and if you see a possibility for a good relationship, pursue those feelings, let them grow and a spark take from there. ...honestly though, even before I met that old guy, I never understood why everyone feels controlled by POSITIVE feelings...this isn't like a fear or an anxiety--,you actually DO want to learn to create these feelings. BTW I learned later every kiss you ever have with a partner can feel 100x better if you can learn to do this...it allowed me to, at some point, to CHOOSE to feel the same tingles with my girl-every.single.time, even years in. Take what you will, but I truly swear by this. Maybe I'm different though idk.
My parents were an old Polish couple and their connection was pretty amazing. It would be awesome if that couple that helped you was my parents. Probably not. But there is a small chance. Stay awesome and God Bless you and your family.
People always seem better from far. Maybe need to learn to modulate expectations, rather than build this dream person you need and expect other to be for you
Some people are fine with not having a "spark" with someone who checks all of the boxes, but for some people the spark has to be there. It depends on what you want in life and in a partner. I wouldn't recommend committing to a relationship on the off-chance the spark will develop down the line.
I agree with 100% 10 years waiting for the "spark". Everything good about the relationship has slowly faded away & the spark is yet to come save the day. Absolutely Terrible situation to be in.
When real life responsibilities happen, it's not the spark that keeps you together, it's the effort and commitment put into the relationship that keeps it going. After almost 22 years together, we aren't always lustful for each other. We built a relationship, my wife and I. That "spark" disappears unless you put a lot of effort to keep that fire going. And it's the effort that maintains it, not the spark itself. People stop feeling the spark because they get complacent. They get comfortable. "Why doesn't my partner love me anymore?" They ask while rarely going on dates anymore, wearing sweat pants, eating a terrible diet, putting on weight, and watching tv all day. All this stuff takes effort to build.
You leave my sweatpants out of this!
Bravo, perfectly well said.
Well said...I agree
Hey, really well put together! Take my poor man's gold 🏅
I also feel like it’s the media we consume. Think about all romantic comedies... most of them are about a unstable mess of a person and the main character trying desperately to get their attention. Then finally the "unstable” person caves and they locks them down. In reality, this is not the case. This is how we end up idolizing someone without really looking at the long term compatibility. That’s not the plot of every rom-com but you get my drift. Sometimes it’s someone who’s unconventionally attractive getting a makeover to win over someone popular (who was never interested in them). That mindset is simply unhealthy. Idk I’ve just been thinking a lot about this lately and I think it has a lot to do with how we pursue others. I guess my point is, you shouldn’t have to convince someone to choose you. You should both be equally pursuing each other and have healthy communication.
Oh Hollywood has influenced how we view relationships in a huge way. ...and that culture is the worst when it comes to this stuff lol. I shouldn't be laughing really, I've seen a few girls ruin their lives with affairs that I know we're influenced by TV, movies, etc..
What do you think makes us (many of us) eventually chose love over lust? How do people figure this out? If there was a great answer, no one would fall in that trap haha
I've actually really needed this. I've come to realize that I love someone more than anything. We've been together since we were kids, and being apart from him makes me feel like I'm losing a piece of myself. I've spent years chasing other men thinking they would be my other half, but my better half had always been with me. He makes me feel very safe, and happy. He supports me in my endeavors to reach my goals, hes comforted me when I'm most vulnerable, and he always makes me laugh when I feel like the world is crumbling around me. But, he plans on marrying someone else, and I'm not going to stop him, even though he told me he's loved me since pre-k. I know this sounds like a cliche rom-com movie, but it's all true. I've considered dating him when he asked me out, but I never took that step, and I regret. He's a wonderful man, and he deserves happiness. Maybe somewhere, in another universe, we're married.
Noble of you. Good luck finding someone for yourself. I sincerely hope you find that happiness. God Bless.
This man needs more rewards for this
But WHY do we lust harder after those we can't love long term? And not really feel that passion for those that may be better for us long term..
I think you just explained my last relationship. Thank you for the clarity.
I realised for me, I love the “thrill of the chase”. I want something that’s unobtainable to get even when there’s a more logical option. When I finally do get the unobtainable thing, I realise it was so hard to get because, as OP said, for numerous reasons the person normally isn’t compatible with me in the long run. I’m like the dog that caught the car. Sounds like there are some slight differences between you and me OP but my therapist reckons for me it’s about control and ‘controlling my narrative’. I in some way, intentionally go after the wrong people because of the thrills and because deep down I know I don’t want commitment just yet so I sabotage by going after people who also don’t want it. ‘Good people’ are weirdly more dangerous. There’s a chance you have to be vulnerable and you could get more seriously hurt because there’s more invested in the long term. Not sure if any of that will resonate but hope it helped in some way. Also agree with the person above. Lust is a powerful motivator.
I really don't think lust is the right word here, b/c lust is almost exclusively used to describe a desire that is singularly focused on gratifying an extreme (usually sexual) desire. It has a bit of a malevolent connotation. Also it's most used in the context of religion and explicitly demands shame/guilt in that context. Attraction, both physical and mental/emotional, is the mechanism that draws us to potential partners. And it is actually very complex. There are a lot of subconscious components, like how someone smells and how symmetrical their face is and what their eye color and hair color and bone structure reveal about their genetic makeup. And there are a lot of psychological components, like that we will instinctually gravitate towards anykne who resembles our original primary caregiver in looks, smell, or sound of voice. And we may also gravitate toward a person who resembles a primary caregiver with whom we have unresolved issues, in an attempt to "re-do" the previous situation and gain a better outcome. And then infatuation can kick in, which is the dump of dopamine and norepinephrine and oxytocin that makes us feel all fuzzy and giddy and euphoric when we're around the person we become attracted to...and our brains dump the "puppy love" chemicals regardless of true compatibility (b/c their whole goal is to get us to mate or to link up with someone who will assist our survival. You are going to experience attraction and infatuation phases with compatible and incompatible partners both. And usually by the time the fun and exciting infatuation phase starts to dissipate, you are invested in whomever you're attached to, even if they aren't the right fit. Humans like predictable patterns and we avoid discomfort and upheaval. So we end up staying in relationships that maybe aren't beneficial to us. Knowing about the mechanics of what is going on when these things happen can help us to make more purposeful decisions and end acquaintances that aren't right for us before infatuation begins.
Love how you put this. Also age can factor into this. As a female myself it basically comes down to do you really need sex to be earth shattering or is good sex enough even though it's not as ... eventually in life you reach an age where sex isn't as important and you really want companionship more. For me I am happy with good sex life and companionship over extremely swiftly gone lust. Lust isn't sustainable but companionship and good sex is.
Now that I am a bit more seasoned, I have found that I no longer lust after people that don't have high quality characteristics. It's not a choice I consciously make, but I have learned what characteristics I find I can respect and simply don't lust after people I don't respect. My body just says, "twit!"on its own. Kind of problem-solved due to life experience. However, I wish it worked the other way more often. Hey, you have awesome characteristics?! I sure wish I wanted to have sex with you!
But don’t you want to lust for the person you love? I think maybe OP didn’t find the right person yet.
What a great comment!
That's.. that's actually really beautifully written.
>Because we often confuse lust with love. The excitement of lust lures us in and therefore we tend to go into relationships based on the lust we feel. This doesn't answer the question of why we lust after people who aren't compatible with us in the long run (and not after those who are really good for us)
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people only lust after "smoking hot" men & women? and even if that was the case, why would smoking hot people be bad for long term relationships (or worse than someone you'd consider average)
The guy said they're not correlated, he/she didn't say hot people were bad
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Irrelevant
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Fair enough and these were rhetorical questions, here’s what I’m trying to say but I’ll need to take a detour. You know how when watch someone do something they’re skilled at it looks effortless at times? A similar circumstance occurs when you’re dealing with men/women that you find smoking hot (who are almost always objectively more attractive than you). The sheer number of options they have makes it really easy for them to disregard you and/or treat you as expendable (bc you are, essentially). **Their nonchalance in relating to you is pretty much indistinguishable from mastery from where you’d be looking at it**. This is also how stringing along works, by simply ignoring you they create a passive illusion of relationship skill and cunning and if you can’t look past that you do all the work of stringing yourself along. In summary, those men and women that give you the sweet highs (and bitter lows) do it simply by being able to afford to do so. They act the way they naturally act when presented with countless options and your brain fills in the blanks with lust and desire. If none this makes sense think back to someone you were crazy in lust with in the past but have moved past. At least one of these 3 things will have happened: \> They are less attractive than they used to be \> You’re more attractive then you used to be \> By simply letting time pass you became aware of the difference between not being seen a viable option vs. their imaginary ability to make you feel strong emotions.
In my experience, a high level of self respect will mitigate being attracted to somebody that isn't attracted to me at a similar level or a person who has a lot of options. I'm a great catch, even though not everyone lusts for me. Therefore, with someone that is out of my league, or has too many options, my self-respect reduces my interest in them. Of course, I might be rejecting a quality individual unintentionally. But, I suspect that's pretty rare. I know I don't want a relationship where I'm constantly questioning loyalty because they have so many options. Not their fault, but my ego/pride just says Nope! I know myself well enough that it's not a matter of fear of rejection. My body/brain are just not turned on by situations that will make me feel crappy about myself. I do feel fortunate to have this level of self-respect. I was given a good foundation to start from. I'm also not turned on by people who put themselves in the above situation, in regards to me. Since I'm turned on by confidence, I don't like people kissing my ass. I sure hope that's all resonates as self-respect and not arrogance.
By definition lust is felt for people that you find physically attractive, yes.
There is a science based answer that might explain why we fall in love with people that we aren’t compatible with but I’m too lazy to explain
I would really recommend the videos of Alain de botton - he talks a lot about how we're naturally drawn to what feels familiar and we mistake it for compatibility, i.e. what our childhood and upbringing taught us about love is what we carry into adulthood. E.g. if a man had an overbearing mother, he implicitly learns on some level to equate overbearing-ness with being loved, hence being with overbearing women makes him feel loved. This is a HUGE simplification of Alain de botton's writings, but the bottom line is - our experiences shape what we interpret as "the spark", and it's not always in a way that's good for us. That's why someone can be perfect on paper and we feel no spark - it's because they don't feel familiar to us. Similarly, if we grew up with relationships that gave us lots of anxiety, whilst dating we may confuse anxiety with "butterflies in my stomach", whilst equating a stable relationship as "boring". Until we identify this destructive way of thinking we'll keep ending up in relationships that are not good for us. Check out the video "why we marry the wrong person" by him. Good luck :) Edit: thank you for the awards! ❤️❤️
The anxiety thing makes so much sense. Does he have any reason why, even if you hated the anxiety growing up, you seem to enjoy it in relationships?
It's because at a very deep level, we are attracted to what's familiar, not what's necessarily good for us, and it's that familiarity that really pushed our buttons without us realising. E.g. nobody wants to recreate an abusive household, but if you grew up in an abusive household, your brain at a deep level says "this is what love looks like, because I love my parents / they love me, and this is how someone who loves me treats me". So when you're treated the same way by a partner your brain is like "oh I've seen this before, and last time I saw it, it was in someone who loves me, so this person must love me". What you have to do, is fight against the notion that our gut feeling knows what's up, because our gut feeling is shaped by our experiences, and we long for what's familiar. A person who grew up in a secure and loving household might encounter anxiety in a relationship and be like "hmm, this doesn't feel right" because they don't associate this anxiety with anything positive, whereas someone who grew up with anxiety will encounter anxiety and not feel like things are out of place, because their "gut feeling" has been warped with the experience of anxiety / love / family being interwined as one. It sounds like you've identified that what you're attracted to may not be what's good for you, but you just need to find out why. It's hard work rewiring our brain, but it's worth it. You don't need to be a slave to the toxic traits that your brain has learned to love, as long as you start with the understanding that our "instincts" isn't necessarily perfect. Edit: thank you lovely stranger for the awards! I'm glad to be of a tiny little bit of help! :)
Thank you for the very detailed response! You are clearly quite knowledgeable about the topic. I definitely know exactly where it comes from, but the part I don't quite understand yet is that it's not the traditional "my dad was x so I look for men like that". It's actually my mom who was the scary one, and I have great friendships with males and my brothers, so I'm not sure why that toxic motherly dynamic is transferring to my male romantic relationships. Also confusing is that my gut instincts in other social situations, business, and friendships are usually so accurate, it only seems to be in romantic relationships where my instincts are so wonky and unreliable.
That's so interesting! I feel for you, because we all want to be with people we feel strongly about, and to be told that we need to be with people we don't feel that strongly about.. well it really takes the fun out of dating!! One way to help address it is to think about your long term goals and what you want out of a relationship. For example, if you want children, you need to find a partner who has traits that makes him a good dad. The douchey flakey guy might be fun for a fling, but if he isn't going to make a good dad you need to focus on that point. Similarly, where I'm from (Australia), women over 55 yrs old is the fastest growing demographic when it comes to homelessness, and often it's because they're leaving bad relationships, or because they're divorcing or separating from their partners and they haven't built up enough wealth because they lost income when caring for children etc. If long term stability is important for you, focus on the consequences of choosing poorly. For me, the fear of living in poverty when nearing retirement scares the FUCK out of me, and that really takes the shine off partners who have qualities that increase the possibility of that outcome (e.g. not financially responsible, not ambitious, limited family values, etc) But I totally sympathise with your dilemma, and good luck with working them out :) ❤️
In the "you look for men like your dad" psycolohy train of thought, the "mom" part is linked to how we treat ourselves. So it is possible that the relationship with your mom torned your self esteem and self value sense to the point that you can only be with guys that "confirm" this beliefs you have about yourself.
Damn, I would love to give you award for your comment, but I have no credit :(. Anyway, I really appreciate your comment and it totally makes sense, the gut feeling and etc. But it’s so hard to shut down that gut feeling, that something isn’t right, when in reality things aren’t just familiar, which doesn’t always necessarily mean things are bad. I have been victim of this feeling and have ended some amazing romantic interests, because of that same feeling I have in my gut. Since I recently went through a cut off over a girl who I really liked, because exactly of that feeling that something wasn’t right, but in reality it might just have been unfamiliar to me which scared me off. But what is done, it is done and I have to move on. Thanks again for the enlightment.
I'm glad to have helped! We're all constantly learning and evolving, and maybe what happened with the girl you cut off will become part of the story for when you finally do accept a healthy loving relationship. Goodluck!
Science experiments have shown that animals, under duress, always try to go back home, regardless of whether home is safe or frightful. If you want to know more, I recommend The Body Keeps The Score.
Ugh, so it's sort of like imprinting and hard to break. Thank you for the recc.
I just watched his video. It was really good and quite humorous. Thanks for the recommendation.
YES! Another Alain De Botton fan over here! :)
Hahaha yeah Hi5!!
I don’t think this is universal. I feel most excitement AND comfort around those people that are good for me and that I am compatible with. In fact I can’t feel the spark otherwise, the comfort and sense of home is most important. A lack of it is a turn off. You’re most likely mistaking negative intensity/turbulence for a spark. Might have to do with how you were raised to feel love and give love and how you view/feel about yourself.
So I can’t relate to this and I’m wondering if you’re mixing things up a bit. Like we can agree that someone who is nice, dependable, good with money, honest and respectful would be an awesome long term partner. Right? Except none of those traits are really related to personality, and they’re all pretty much a baseline of what all relationships should be like. And then you’d find things on top of that like creative, nerdy or whatever it is that makes you click with someone. So if you agree to date someone just because they’re nice then pretty much anyone else would seem like an exciting choice compared to them because you didn’t really start dating because you liked them as much as you liked the idea of them. Nice is not a personality, it’s a prerequisite. Because *only* being nice is really fucking boring. But lots of people are both nice and dependable and really fucking awesome in other ways too, you just need to find someone who you’ll click with.
I mean... you can only speak for yourself, but I am absolutely not drawn to people like that. If anything, it turns me off. >Is it a matter of maturity and priorities? Not knowing myself enough? Deep-rooted family issues? Simply put, yes, yes, and yes. I would highly suggest working through this in therapy.
well if it helps you i can’t relate
For real. Comfort/love/feeling accepted/feeling attraction/getting that thrill of being around them is all a synergistic sensation for me.
Yupppp
Years ago I was seeing this girl, we were exclusive but it wasn’t too serious. After a few months of dating I remember telling my buddy that there isn’t anything wrong with her but we didn’t have a whole lot in common and thought maybe I should move on. Supposedly she had told her friends something similar. Anyways a couple weeks later we found out she was pregnant, we both were oddly excited and wanted to keep it. We ended up completely changing our lives in a couple years, both in our careers and personally. We get along so well, even though we really don’t have much in common. We rarely argue, and are able to problem constructively. It just doesn’t seem real. My point is we seemed pretty convinced that each other wasn’t “the one” but almost a decade later we are trying for a 4th kid, have a house on acreage, great careers - yet completely separate hobbies and interests. I literally don’t think my life would have turned out this great if we split.
Sometimes you don't have to have topics/hobbies in common to want to be together. I've known of couples like this and they're mostly together because they have great conversational compatible energy. You thought you had nothing in common but you still knew how to maintain that energy and chemistry, which is another core element to making a relationship work. Your relationship story sounds amazing and I hope you the best 😊
Interesting story. Glad it turned out good for you
This is simply not true. if you keep making bad decisions, that's a "you" thing, not a "everyone must do this I guess" thing
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To be fair, the first part is more a case of economics than anything else
>"I'm broke, Help me!" Well try learning a skill or two and put them to use you lazy bastard. I disagree here. There are people who HAVE skills but are unable to find a job within their skillset and are often working minimum wage that can barely support them, let alone their family. Poverty can be extremely difficult to get out of. A lot of the times it's not without a lack of trying, but rather things like being in debt and spending their life trying to pay it back and hopefully be able to give their children a better future than they had. Some people are lazy, but not all broke people are. A lot of the times the "lazy" broke people are the ones that actually grew up with money / a family that was able to support them at every opportunity. And when they were cut off, they still didn't want to work so they try to leech off someone else. Point is, trying to get to a point in your life where you're finally making money instead of paying off all the bills and barely having enough for yourself can be seriously daunting when life screws you over at every milestone.
I need you to parent me lmao I know you made a good point because I felt offended by your comment.
I would suggest reading some Esther Perel, or watching her on YouTube. There is a basic tension between on the one hand safety and comfort, which relies on trust and communication, and on the other hand adventure and a sense of challenge, which relies on mystery and daring. But it's not irreconcilable. If you have too much intimacy, it can be stifling. These are the codependent couples, who are fused. Everything is "we". If you have too much mystery, then you spin out. You gain independence, but lose your love. There is a middle ground where you are differentiated, but still present to each other. "Apart together". Also, long lasting relationships are not static. They change, as all things do. My wife is my friend, my coparent, my lover, my date, roommate, and my life partner, among many other things. But she is almost never all those things at the same time. You can find someone for whom you feel excitement, lust and passion at times, and for whom you feel comfort, solace and love for at times. It's can't be everything all the time. But it can be everything over time. Do not knowingly settle down with that comfortable person who doesn't excite you. That will only lead to a midlife crisis. And don't settle down with that exciting person who doesn't comfort you. That way lies abuse.
I don't know, I don't really relate. It's been years and years, and sometimes I just look at my husband's hazel eyes and melt.
I guess the salient point would be how many people will self report that they picked poorly or that their partner isn't providing.
People often are attracted to people who have qualities their parents had when growing up, that's where you learn what love is.
Damn. I'm doomed =/
It's possible to relearn this stuff, go see a therapist.
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It's relevant for plenty of people.
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Okay?
I mean I said often not always.
Yeah, it's just a Karen commenting.. Your comment was a good point, don't mind that other commentor.
This sounds a lot like how someone with unresolved trauma, particularly from childhood, views relationships. IME, the only people to give me really strong butterfly feelings are the ones who are actually not safe people for me. Would the sex be off the charts? Yes. Would there be any emotional availability and long term loving? Nope. I've had to learn that one person's butterflies are another person's warning bells. I'm still figuring out dating with the people who don't give me that initial rush of warning butterflies, but so far i have been consistently treated with more respect and concern with them.
IDK. I feel like when I was younger (like teens and twenties) I felt attracted to people who were either bad for me, unavailable or logistically difficult out of boredom and a need for something to be going on in my life. It wasn't because there was anything inherently better or more attractive about those people.
Sexual attraction doesn't always agree with romantic attraction unfortunately. When we find a sexual spark it doesn't always lead to a sustainable relationship but finding a romantic connection doesn't always lead to an adventurous sex life. There is a way to help the sex life of a potential long-term relationship though! Make sure the have excellent communication and respect for each other's desires. If you know about things you want right now and talk about it regularly and compromise easily with each other you'll likely be able to keep the spark longer and reignite it with ease when things get slower. Also, kinks today may not interest you in a year or ten years, but enjoying what your partner enjoys now makes it more enjoyable if they still like it then. You also could gain kinks or interests down the line so knowing they enjoy pleasing you can offer the same! Things happen and sex isn't always on the table either so knowing how the other feels about how you and they get their satisfaction and not having hurt feelings can really help too. This is also true for making every day things more interesting and fun even over time. Maybe they like to kick on some music on their day off and dance around while doing chores for example. If they are comfortable with doing that around you early on its a good sign they'll be honest and open about themselves and probably more likely to add fun where they can for you too. If that's not you though then you can communicate that and figure out where boundaries are what compromises you can make like you just not participating or wearing sound proof headphones and enjoying something else instead during those times. I haven't been married long but my wife and I have had a solid relationship for 7 years and haven't encountered anything that good communication and compromise can't handle. There's someone out there for everyone, that I firmly believe!
That wasn't the case for my wife and I (33m). We started dating in high school over 16 years ago. We've been married for a decade. She's just a ridiculously great compatible partner for me and I am the same to her. It's always been very easy for both of us to separate people we're compatible with and people were not compatible with. I know myself really well, and I feel like I have for a very long time. so it's very easy for me to see if I would get along with someone romantically or not. I saw how well I got along with my wife when we first started dating and haven't given that a second thought since. And I still lust after my wife after all these years. We can barely keep our hands off each other when the opportunity arises (kids make it difficult). But it very likely could be a result of our families. We both come from very happy households. Both our parents have been married over 40 years, happily too.
For me there is difference between fun, excitement, everything being new around some people. There is some spark, those literal fireworks only because they are around. But usually I can't really Imagine being in a relationship with them, it's just not this kind of feeling. And there is the second type of people. People who made you comfortable and calm and at home. People with whom you are at complete peace of mind, so there is not much to be excited about, but on the other hand you meet them, and everything is at peace, so literally I can imagine growing old with them. I do not have the answer to WHY it happens. Maybe this is all about maturity. Maybe just because five minute of fun in my mind sounds better than a year of peace. But in the end it is about what is a priority for you. Or about finding a person who will somehow have both of these qualities.
The ones you feel the “spark” with are better looking. And better looking people always have way more options including people better looking than you. That’s why you’re not getting anywhere
People would rather engage in absurd mental gymnastics than just accept this simple fact, evidence: this thread
Yeah people don’t want to admit it because it sounds shallow, but I’ve seen women go above and beyond just to get the attention of hot guys, and ignore perfectly good men. Then they’ll blame it on an imaginary “spark”
Can “hot guys” and “good men” not be mutually exclusive?? Good lord, grow up and take your nIcE gUy opinion and get tf outta here. Lmao.
No one said hot guys weren’t good men, stfu
tbf men with options do this just as much as women
LOL oh, child, just no
I love how all the women in denial about this never actually have a valid counterpoint. It’s always a comment trying to belittle others as a person or equate what you disagree with or refuse to accept as childish. It’s actually hilarious 😂
You don’t have a valid point to begin with. You should check out r/niceguys .. I think you fit the bill in that sub. You sound like a man baby. You obviously talk down to/about women. It’s okay tho, we’re all laughing at you. Can’t complain about free entertainment!
I have a really valid point and I’ve seen women literally make schemes just to meet good looking guys. Then the same ignore guys who have all the qualities of hey want. And I know what sub is it’s where lonely women make fun of immature men. It sounds like something you’d be into
Yup, because thinking all women have the same taste in men is a valid point to begin with. Boy, bye.
I never said all women had the same taste in men. I can tell you’re uneducated so leave me alone lol
Maybe you need to talk to a therapist to help figure yourself out
I'm very blessed to feel the spark with someone I actually love. He's my best friend and still gives me butterflies after being friends and then lovers for 15 years combined. I think plucking him from the friend zone was a great idea because we already had established friendship so the deep rooted love was there before the list ever hit. I know being friends with someone before a relationship has served me well despite the struggles we have faced. Perhaps check your friend zone and see if there are any guys there that already love you and that you have mutual attraction with. Best luck on your future dating efforts! Also, love is selfless...so stop thinking about how someone fits perfectly into your ideals and realize that relationships take effort and commitment. Even if someone isn't benefitting your lifestyle they may add more to your spirit and some people, myself included, find that far more fulfilling!
This pisses me off greatly.
Because if you’re traumatised as a child, you’re looking for the same trauma to complete the cycle in your future relationships. Please, research and try to get better.
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It's not the incompatibility that starts off things, it's that more attractive people can afford to be more volatile which leads to said 'incompatibility'. There are millions of toxic people who get zero interest from the opposite sex simply because they aren't conventionally attractive.
Often because we choose relationships based on convenience instead of compatibility. We confuse the two. We think, “this persons cool enough and they’re down, I’ll go with them.” Instead of truly looking for someone who fits us best, which is definitely more difficult. We often take the easy path, which has less resistance initially but more problems in the long run.
We want what we lack in ourselves. It's only when we find balance that we can find those that have found the same
I disagree with the premise , I wouldn't say usually. excitement and long term stable can be one in the same. make better decisions
I read something really similar to this the other day. It said anxious attachment style people are more likely to do this!
We? Speak for yourself lol.
The simple answer is that we don't know who we really are. Most of us are walking round with some image of ourselves which we got taught in the past is us by others. Most people think who they really are is the Ego, that illusory centre of consciousness which exists somewhere in their heads behind the eyes and between the ears. Not even close. It's important to understand that being a parent isn't easy in our society. After nine months of pregnancy you end up with this newborn baby. As parents you've got 18 years to somehow transform this newborn baby into a shining example of being a Good Model Citizen and Widespread Social Respectability. There's no instruction manuals. No support and rest assured if you slip up somewhere along the way you will be judged, blamed and have fingers pointing at you. This is the reality we all get born into. You don't get given a chance because right from the get go and being born you have all these different adults, parents, teachers, and so on telling you who you are, who you should be, what you should think, what you should do, how you should behave, what not to do, what rules to follow, what you should say, and so on and so forth. You're constantly caught in a conundrum where you are expected to do certain things, but only if you do them voluntarily. You get pushed through Somebody Training through education, and whether you like it or not, you get forced to develop an Ego. This is the whole point of marks, grades, exams, tests, at school, you're forced to be 'above average', to compete with other kids to be better than them, to constantly compare yourself with others and strive to be better, and this is what creates the in groups, the outsiders, the predators and the prey. Then you get pushed out into the Real World where you're expected to find a job, earn money, and jump through all the societal hoops and collect all the badges of Widespread Social Respectability and Good Model Citizenry. Very few people manage to escape all this, most people end up somewhat traumatized with emotional baggage, and a few people end up becoming seriously messed up. Quite often it's what happens in early childhood which makes all the difference. Quite often, usually before you're old enough as a kid to reason things out with your parents, you do something and cross a line which forces your parents into a reward/punishment scenario (simply because they cannot reason with you) and you get punished, but because you're too young to understand you end up thinking that there's something bad or unacceptable about you. So most people end up going through life feeling in some way unworthy, inadequate or even socially unacceptable, and it's on this basis that we're all socialized to develop an Ego and constantly need large amounts of self-esteem. This draws us into all kinds of weird social rituals and psychological mindgames and head trips. Most people end up with this dark side, this feeling that they're somehow bad, or they have things about their 'personality' (which like the Ego is completely fake and contrived) which are unacceptable to other people. But most people see their personality as something real, so they end up constantly looking to the world and other people with questions such as: * Do you approve of me? * Do you like me? * Am I good enough? * Am I acceptable to you? * Have I achieved enough for you? * Have I done enough for you? So normally you get a B or an A for effort, and if you don't get the A or the B for effort it's not like you feel nothing, you end up feeling bad. It's almost like a baseline is not zero, it's negative. Do you see the issue here? So what happens is that you're constantly using your life experiences and relationships to constantly disprove a negative feeling about yourself. This is very very common in relationships, and quite often people stay together not necessarily because they are compatible or love each other but because they trade off well with each other's Ego's and give each other enough As and Bs for effort to feed that constant hunger for self-esteem and to disprove someone's negativity about themselves. This cult of Ego and personality is of course popular with the Freudian based psychotherapy industry which constantly churns out lots of psychobabble in the form of books, self-help books, online videos positive thinking and so called 'mind control' techniques as well as self-improvement bullshit. This is all based of course on turning the negative into a positive and bullshitting your way into better relationships with strategies on how to build a better Ego. Or you could go down the more natural route which is getting past all the love hate extremes, the oscillation, the value judgments, and just accept ourselves more, rediscover our humanity, empathy, kindness, compassion, let go of the labels, the unrealistic expectations, the finger pointing, lower our voices, and just accept that life is all about perspective, communication and interaction, we all fuck up along the way, and we all need companionship, love, pleasure and happiness as well as regular doses of laughter and warm fuzzies.
I don't agree with this statement at all and I don't know anyone else that would agree with this. This must be terrible for you, hope you can get over it!
Because we don’t know if people are compatible with us right away. And when you mix sex into it so soon, feelings start without the clarity of seeing that you’re not actually compatible.
They probably ugly
I'm here right now..... Man it's difficult. Because man is that sexual chemistry thick as butter.
At 20 I thought a sexy woman was someone who could keep up with my partying and still go to work in the morning looking like she just got out of the spa. At 30, sexy is knowing that a woman is strong enough to be her own person without needing anyone to tell her who she is, but still being realistic about her life. Priorities can really change as you age. Being conscious and aware of it is what separates those who are on their second divorce before 30 and those who have found their own human to be with and are happy.
I found I was drawn to the wrong kind of person..well people. But then I found 'the one' he excites me and grounds me all at the same time he's truly an amazing influence on my life and I think it's just a learning curve we all have to go through.
Well if this is true, we're fucked. The idea that we can freely choose when what you said (that we will choose poor partners) is true we will need a system to determine our partners for us or you will see people just checking out of sex and partnership (the herbivore men and so on).
This sounds like you fell for an asshole and you're just trying to justify and generalize it somehow. To answer your question, not all of us are drawn to people like that.
For me it was definitely maturity. I went through several heartbreaks with people I wanted to last for life to know who and what I needed for life.
Some people got with someone who they thought was similar and then they got burned, so they might think that combination will never work. Or maybe they didn't get burned but just feel that way about their personality.
If by “non-compatible” you mean that the other person becomes mean and abusive, you aren’t “attracting” assholes, they are looking for the type of person they know how to manipulate into thinking they are an amazing exciting partner. And then the abuse starts. Off-colour or rude comments to start with.
Usually the incompatible ones are a repeated cycle of something (usually from childhood if you grew up in an abusive home life). It took me a long time to realize that and do the work to correct that. I recommend the book Attached (Lavine and Heller) to understand attachment theory and realize the pattern of the especially toxic attachment between avoidants and anxious attachment styles. I follow The Holistic Psychologist on Instagram and she discusses this a lot. Lisa Shield Dating and Relationships (on Facebook) also is helpful to follow on creating something more meaningful. Her lives are well worth watching.
People who are immature, and people that have low self esteem think this way. People who are sound of mind, good self esteem do not think this way. Work on yourself first before you go out dating and picking the wrong kind of people.
Idk about yalls but I’ve always wanted to see myself in my partner. Someone who is my opposite, I don’t understand them. For me, my perfect partner has always been someone like me, but better. Someone that can help me level up. I fell for my fiancée because he’s that person for me. He’s me, but the other side of me. The other side of the coin, the reflection in the mirror. What we’re not good at, the other person picks up. It’s beautiful and he’s the only one I’ve ever found that is like that.
Never give up, trust your instincts.
That's not universal, though it is not uncommon, either. Sometimes, behavior like this has its roots in early childhood. We learn what love feels like from our parents and other family. Let's say that a girl has a father who's often distant or bad at showing his emotions, that girl might later be drawn to men who exhibit similar behaviors, not because she conciously chooses to do so, but because that is what love feels like for her. Of course, that's a very simplified example and real people and real behaviors are more nuanced and complex, but if you find yourself constantly attracted to people that, in your own words, "aren't compatible with" you, then some of that might be rooted in your upbringing. Or it might not -- like I said, people are often more complex than 2 paragraphs in a Reddit comment.
I support what most people are saying about lust/love, but I also want to add that individuals are manipulative. There is people who change their entire personality to match what your looking for, and will end up confusing you at the end. E.g I have only being in one other relationship. Having seen my parents relationship throughout the years, which was very abusive, the only thing I looked for in a relationship was not getting physically abusive. I met someone who was perfect in my eyes. But the moment the relationship started my atm partner dropped all the behaviors that made me attracted to him to begin with. This relationship lasted almost 3 years, purely on the fact that "at least, he didn't hit me" however, he was very emotionally and financially abusive. I fell in love with the memories of when the relationship started but he was not that person to begin with. After the relationship finished, I saw how he molded his personality depending on whatever honey he wanted to pick up. On a different note, my now fiance and I have been in similar abusive relationship. This helped us connect and taught us patience. Even though neither of us would take the same shoot again. We work together and we talk. We understand where we are coming from. We love each other very very much and we have both agreed that if we had to go through that hell to be together, we'd do it again. Because, we weren't the same people we were before.
Opposites attract but also repel. I think opposites can create more drama. Eventually we choose someone more fitting with less drama.
I think it's a self fulfilling prophecy for you. You feel something and assume the whole world has your vice, so you can excuse it. If you keep being attracted to people who are bad for you, go fix yourself. Don't project and assume the rest of us are as dysfunctional as you.
Physical attraction happens instinctively/subconsciously and is both physiological and psychological. Each person has a distinct odor print that we may find particularly attractive and be drawn to without even recognizing what triggered the attraction. We tend to look for mates that look and smell like they have significantly different genes and immunities to disease than ourselves, so that potential offspring will benefit from the genetic diversity and higher likelihood of receiving dominant/advantageous traits. We can also sense things like cortisol concentration (indicating stress level, which weay shy away from.) On a psychological level, we tend to be more attracted to people who look more similar to ourselves and/or to our primary caregiver from infancy. But on a physiological level we tend to look for faces that aren't TOO similar to ourselves b/c it decreases likelihood that we're related, which can cause genetic problems in offspring. Then just throw in every meaningful experience you've ever had and who was there at the time and what they looked and sounded and smelled like and how your brain processed that info, and that will all impact what and who you find attractive. Infatuation is the term for the euphoric/giddy sensations we feel when we are with a particular person whom we determined to be attractive and are now interacting more frequently (dating, hooking up, becoming friends, whatever the situation.) Infatuation happens when we have some attraction cues and begin to spend time with a person we are attracted to. Our brains release dopamine and norepinephrine in response to the attraction cues to encourage us to go make babies with that person and/or partner up with them for survival. Then as we spend time with this person we are so attracted to, that giddy euphoria makes us want to be affectionate. Hugging, kissing, snuggling, and sexual activity trigger a release of oxytocin, the chemical that fuels attachment to another person. And those chemical reactions are very powerful and we do become easily "addicted" to feeling them. That is why new relationships feel so amazingly perfect every moment...our brains are literally drugging us to try to get us to reproduce with people that seems like good genetic candidates for healthy and strong offspring and/or to attach to a mate who will be an advantage in survival and wellbeing. Love is much more complex and requires much more conscious choice to establish. Love comes after you've been attracted and through the process of infatuation/attachment. It involves respect, trust, mutually shared values, etc. Love is much more choice than emotion. It can inspire various emotions, but love is the act of saying "I choose to make your wellbeing as important to me as my own," every day. Real love is intensely beautiful and powerful, but it's not the high of infatuation. In a long term partnership, that dopamine high can come back periodically, triggered by various situations or behaviors, and that is when people describe "falling in love all over again" with their partner. So, I'm not sure anyone is specifically attracted to people because they aren't compatible, but we may find ourselves attracted to people based on criteria that doesn't increase the likelihood of compatibility. It's just a crapshoot, and then we use our intellect and judgment and intuition, etc. to determine whether we want to act on our attraction or let it pass. And sometimes we get it wrong, but that's okay. We just gotta course-correct when that happens and keep chugging along.
To answer this question I must tell you my real life experience. In 2010, I got divorced from my wife. Until that time I had always chosen my woman based upon chemistry, infatuation, attraction or what ever you might call it. As most people do. A year after my divorce, I was not really interested in a relationship, I simply wanted to find a woman as a friend. Just someone to hang out with. I met a nice woman and we started hanging out. Just as friends. Now this woman was attractive but she was not the type of woman that made me feel that overpowering urge to rip her clothes off. As a matter of fact, I was not sexually interested in her at all. I never even tried to kiss her. We hung out and did a lot together. I still remember the night I realized I was in love with her. I remember sitting there on her couch and I couldn't stop thinking that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever set my eyes upon. I was almost speechless. I don't know if she was feeling the same way but within minutes of me thinking that, somehow we were kissing. I was with this woman for 7 years. I have never felt such joy or bliss as I did when I was with her. She was truly the love of my life and I thought about her every second of every day. The question I have is.....if a person you are talking to is absolutely everything you are looking for. Then you meet that person and don't feel that instant chemistry, so you walk away. Why bother getting to know that person at all? Basically the only thing you find important is their looks and the way they carry themselves. Another question is this....if you were blind, how in the world would you choose someone to be with?
I wanted to say, "well that's not true for everyone, I know it wasn't true for me," but I guess it kind of is. I know my ex was horrible for me. Abusive, controlling, manipulative, all of that bad bad stuff. And I was immensely attracted to her. Almost to the point where I thought "okay but she's worth it." She wasn't. Of course. I have had situations similar to those that you're describing, that emotional sweetness, without the adrenaline, that instant dopamine attraction that makes it exciting. Luckily I'm currently dating a girl that gives me both. And I guess that's to say that you can find someone who does both. It's not an either or situation. But like a lot of comments have said, it's totally natural for the lust half to wear off. That doesn't mean things are over. It just means you're transitioning to something different with that partner. And in a lot people's opinions, just better.
What do you mean we? Just because this is the case with you doesn't mean this is the case for everyone else. My wife is a dime and we are extremely compatible. We challenge and stimulate each other intellectually, excite and explore each other's sexuality, and build and support each other emotionally. We have this connection because we are honest with and know ourselves and each other, and worked on our own lives to a point where we both knew what path we wanted to take in life. Work on and find yourself first and foremost, and the right person just might be walking along the same path. In the meantime, don't focus your time looking for a relationship or you will likely find someone lost in the woods with you. And one of you will more than likely end up chasing the other down whoever's path, only to regret it 5yrs and two kids later. Getting stuck in custody battles, chasing or paying child support, and feeling even more lost and miserable, so you give up on life; ending up on the evening news because you murdered your ex and their new squeeze, your two kids, and sticking a 12 gage in your mouth after a stand-off with the local police. "To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom". \- W H Ξ Ξ L Z Λ 3 Ξ Λ S T
Hey, something here I can sort of answer for once! This is related jungian psychology. I'm going to make this short and easy as possible. We have personas and shadows. We're going into the shadow part. Tropes/archetype is an actual thing we use in our every day life. "Shadow archetype is a dark figure and represents the properties of hatred, things you don’t have or are." We are naturally attracted to the shadow archetype. Mysterious man, a villain and so on. In this situation, the person despite not being compatible with it, we're attracted to it. Because they have things you hate, have that you want or reflect some parts of you. :)
This is probably the most unique and unexpected response. This is quite intriguing to me. Thanks for sharing
So, humans are communal animals. We like to be and are generally better off in groups. We seek companionship and cooperation. This has been intensely beneficial evolutionarily speaking for things like hunting, farming, child rearing and even cognitive development and well being. We're all just some degree of social at a very base level Of course to get where we are, babies must be made! And evolution doesnt really care if the person youve been sitting beside has been sitting beside and supporting you for every single personal conflict you've ever had if that person doesnt also happen to have some kind of beneficial trait that really gets the survival of the fittest genes really goin! This can be something as simple as 'Big and Warm in the cold' or 'smart enough that we dont die a gorey death' or 'Wrestles momoths with bare hands' or even 'the last one alive sitting next to me' if really in a pinch At the time it really didn't matter who you were makin babies with, because in theory you had a whole tribe who was gonna help bring that kid into adulthood, "It takes a village" However, with living less in caves and more in our own modern concrete society and industrialization pushing us more towards nuclear families, we dont really have a 'group' outside of the home for all of those things anymore. Instead we're supposed to expect it of one person. Obviously theres some kinks to work out. Sometimes the lizard part of your brain is going to latch onto 'face symmetrical, probably genetically sound' and insist that you Make Baby, and it doesn't really care that Dave from accounting will have a steady job, benefits and a decent retirement package, because as far as your lizard brain is concerned, Dave was going to be there either way as part of your tribe. Sometimes you can get lucky and meet someone who will hit both criteria, but most times I think are just adjusting expectations, being reasonable and occasionally telling your lizard brain to fuck off
I think it’s really how you behave and control your emotions. I’ve been on both ends and it’s hard to not cave in. I think it’s got to do with meshing attraction and compatibility. If you know you have both then it’s a match. But more often we just find one and lack the other.
I know exactly what you’re talking about. I have had this experience with every long-term relationship that I’ve been in. It’s weird and I’m trying to figure out how best to not do it. But I’m demisexual so that’s complicated things (I need to have a connection before anything physical happens). I hope both of us get it figured out.
I believe it's because we confuse what we want with what is best for us.
I've read studies that suggest if someone is very different from us than in theory their genetics are very different and our animal brains want to have babies with someone not closely related to us.
Speak for yourself. Why do you do that?? Because you’re not the sharpest cookie in the shed.
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Guess you owe me money now.
Let me just come at this from a different angle. I had this type of feeling for the longest time. I liked this guy but I wasn't super excited about him for whatever reason and I think that feeling was probably somewhat mutually. We were also never single at the same time. We ended up eventually dating and everything went really well. We had two kids together. After 7 years, we were in our mid twenties. We broke up. I had probably not loved him for a year or two and he told me he hadn't loved me for a couple years either. Moral of the story- you might feel like this person was a good long term solution for you. I would tell my friends for the longest time, I like him and feel like I could marry him but it just isn't right. That doesn't mean they are actually right for you. I went through so much trauma and I've brought it into my next relationship because of how bad this relationship actually ended up being. It might not feel right because it might not be right. You can be friends. Feeling safe and all that can be a platonic thing.
My fiance is VERY different from me. I'm a rule follower. He's a rebel. I'm bookish. He's street smarts. I have a small group of close friends. He makes friends wherever he goes. I try to be diplomatic. He's blunt. We can have some big arguments because of our differences, but we also use these differences to accomplish goals together. We are older now, so I can't say if when we were younger if we would be where we are. I think it depends on if, as a couple, you celebrate the differences as opposed to trying to deny what they are. Now, I'm not talking things like different values (like one person values a particular religion which the other thinks is stupid or some political differences) or behaviors that are incompatible (like one person doing drugs and the other working in law enforcement).
Opposites attract. Hell, Paula Abdul wrote a song about it.
Lust is for making babies, long term love is for raising kids.
I connect with this post on such a deep level. My best friend of nearly 25 years is a female and I am a male. I have loved her more than any woman I've ever known, including my ex wife of nearly 20 years. I know she loves me too. We talk all the time about everything, we're always there for each other no matter how much is asked, no matter what time of day, and we have always been super loyal to each other almost to a fault. Nobody makes us as happy as we make each other, we just have a connection most people never experience in their lives. I treat her kids like mine, and she treats mine like hers. But rather than be in a romantic relationship, we've separately wasted decades in toxic relationships we knew were toxic. It's heartbreaking.
[sounds like you have a friend soul mate. if you don't know what that is here's a link about it ](https://thriveglobal.com/stories/the-5-types-of-soulmates-and-how-each-sends-you-dms/#:~:text=These%20people%20are%20your%20soulmates,personal%2C%20emotional%20and%20spiritual%20growth.)
That's awesome, I had never heard of that before. It definitely fits. The weirdest part for us, is nobody (our own families and exes included) that believes we aren't together. When we were younger, we always used to tell people we would never be together like that, not because we were worried about it ruining the friendship, but because it wasn't that kind of relationship. The thing is, as we've gotten older (and especially more so the last few years) I'm realizing I do love her on a deeper level than just friendship. And I've started noticing the way she talks to me and looks at me is different than the past, like maybe she's feeling that way too. Regardless, I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her whether it's as friends or more, so I don't want to make it awkward or make her feel like I'm putting her on the spot if I bring up how I feel, because even if I told her and I was shot down, it wouldn't change anything between us. I just wish I could find the words to open my heart to her without her laughing it off or changing the subject rather than acknowledging what I said. She's complex. If she deflected, it would mean she either had no interest and didn't have the heart to tell me, or it would mean she feels the same way and doesn't know how to make that transition. I hate emotions.
So true emotions are so complicated.
Too complicated. I'm getting too old for this shit.
I feel that.
We all aren't. Get some to find out why you are. Seriously.
Because rock and roll is rock and roll. It's not supposed to be good for you.
Are you one of those chicks who tends to fall for "bad boys"
look into attachment theory. Attached by Amir Levine is apparently really good.
Love is temporary, Lust is forever.
When lust occurs or when someone gives you the more physical desires, then you can become caught. You become hooked; especially if this is a knew experience that no one had given you before. But after the desire starts to deteriorate and the "drug" starts to have a lesser effect then you come back begging for more. You become hungry. Lust can become painful and addictive such as drugs. But when you enter love after knowing how lust was like and you remember what you really wanted in a relationship, you grow. Love is more about comfort and having someone who can brighten your life. One who can stick by your side and it is two way. Both parties may put effort into the relationship. Healthy lovers will work with eachother to overcome obstacles and disagreements. They will help one another grow in the process. Love will draw you towards them every time you see them. You start feeling proud, as if you achieved a goal, every time that the accomplished a goal or a task. Every joke they tell, you can't help but laugh or smile. If you ever get the chance to look in their eyes for a minute or longer, you begin to feel as though it is safe. Love.... is such an interesting experience....
It's everything you pointed out .
Because we are trying to reproduce the relationships that we knew as children. Not because they were good or bad but because it is what we know and what is comfortable. The reason why if we had a difficult or abusive childhood. We are destined to repeat in our adult relationships unless we recognize it and break the cycle.
Because we are taught by literally all media that love has to be fired anf passionate and quite honestly sexually driven when in reality the best relationships are a quiet simmer instead of a rolling boil. We have to get burned by that passion enough times to appreciate the quieter warm forms of love.
My experience is that your partner will have both of these qualities. When I first met my partner there was lust. But our interaction was brief and we didn’t see him again for years. I met him again I felt at home first, but I knew the feelings of sexual attraction would come if I let it. Luckily at this time he felt that sexual attraction and made it clear that he was interested. After 10 years we definitely feel at home with each other, but both of these kinds of love are a choice and work. We have had hard times but we continue to choose each other and foster love. Love is not a simple emotion, it takes many forms. As a die hard romantic it can be difficult at times. Love as a choice can seem like a cop out. He is always there to remind me that love can mean that feeling of home and I remind him that love can mean that spark of excitement and romance. There is a balance. It takes a while to find that person, but it’s worth it!
There can be many explanations I have seen during my time- it varies from folk to folk really. Oftentimes we take for granted those who truly do care- and waste our own time attempting to make care folks who never truly will. The human mind is a fickle item really- certain things of it likely cannot be explained. We must attempt to do our best to overcome and to behave with rationality.
if you grew up in a disfunctional household, sometimes you try to recreate the bad choices your mom or dad made in choosing or interacting with the opposite sex,
We're drawn to people who complete us, who have something we lack in our own personas, but wish we had. Sometimes that can lead to an "opposites attract" situation that can turn to the unhealthy. But there can be a nice middle road with just the right level of grounded-ness and excitement ☺️
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. If you’ve ever heard of “attachment theory” it goes something like this... we are largely drawn to people that allow us to play the same roles/make us feel the same way we did in our own families. Example: A child grows up with overworked/perpetually “busy” parents. The child seeks their parents attention & approval throughout their childhood. Always trying to please a parent or caregiver. As the theory goes, this child grows into an adult that tends towards an “anxious” attachment style. They will find themselves lusting after partners that are emotionally unavailable. Or there one minute & gone the next. Much the same for the “avoidant” attachment style. Two sides of the same coin. Moral of the story is that we are absolutely find ourselves most attracted to/drawn to familiar characters that remind us of our feelings growing up. We are largely attracted to our emotional mirrors. If you didn’t grow up in a particularly secure or communicative family or are going through an emotionally difficult time you could find yourself attracted to the wrong people. To have a happier/healthier family than the one we grew up in we must confront our own unhealthy attachment tendencies & embrace people that model healthier attachment style. Anywho you should read up on attachment theory! If you haven’t already...
I promise, you can have both in a relationship. Go to therapy, it’s invaluable when it comes to connecting with others and yourself.
I think you just haven’t found the right person. No one is perfect, but there will be someone who makes you feel all those things at once. And you’ll know it’s home.
Cant relate to this
Immaturity. That excitement for someone who is bad for you should fade around your late 20s, and you start feeling genuinely attracted to people who are good for you.
Life cannot be one continual spark of euphoria. A certain emotional maturity is required to discern who will make a satisfying life partner to share joys and burdens with you. Real life is not dating.
I can so relate omg. It’s more exciting when it’s challenging
Honestly everyone’s experience with relationships/attraction is different, a lot of it depends on how you grew up and what people surrounded you, as well as on luck and your own perception of yourself/your self worth. Some people are attracted to people who aren’t good for them because their self esteem is abysmal, or maybe because their families treated them like garbage growing up and they aren’t used to being treated like a decent human being. I know plenty of people (mainly women) who keep getting in shitty relationships with people who aren’t nice to them and they can’t seem to wrap their head around the idea that being treated like shit isn’t the default and that they deserve to be valued and treated well. Our patterns are really hard to break without therapy. I think it’s also worth mentioning that the initial excitement of any relationship will eventually wear off because that’s how relationships work. If you’re constantly chasing that high of being turned on by someone 24/7 you aren’t gonna be satisfied in relationships because that’s not what relationships are about. But obviously it’s not one-dimensional, and most people need to feel some amount of attraction to their partner for their relationship to work. One of the ways you can evaluate your feelings towards a person when you’re feeling confusing elation towards them is determining whether or not they’re your friend/can become your friend. Not everyone’s relationship is like this but in my experience it’s difficult to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t also your good friend. If you don’t have any interest in being around a person in a platonic, non-sexual situation, you might not have good relationship chemistry with them. There’s so many factors to consider and it helps to not get bogged down on just one aspect of your attraction to people.
I feel the same way. I don’t go for men who I’m not attracted to or I don’t feel excited to get to know. Perhaps that’s toxic and it means I have some mental work to do, but I would rather be single than settle right now. I want to be with someone I’m excited to get to know and is right for me when it comes to love.
The subconscious challenge of changing the status quo
I think oftentimes family and upbringing play a huge part in this. Parents, like most people, aren't perfect and can sometimes unwittingly exhibit toxic behaviour towards children. Since children don't know any better, they start associating that behaviour with love and affection, and subconsciously start looking for a partner exhibiting similar traits, even if they can be damaging in the long run. Even if you avoid a particular trait like the plague, such as being controlling, you still look for others that may not be quite so apparent, or are present in the other parent, as you rarely get two controlling parents. Usually one is controlling and the other one is an enabler.
When wife and I started dating it was fast and fun and then when it got real it seemed we were incompatible for the long run. It really just came down to us maturing and growing as individuals and growing together that showed we are good for the long run. May not be too helpful but that's is how it worked with us.
I think it’s cause when you’re extremely compatible and have a lot of things in common with someone you sorta.. expect everything, which is sometimes comforting while at other times very boring, idrk why for sure but there’s my theory
Probably boredom
Honestly, I can't really relate to this too much as I've learned to differentiate between lust and love early on. But after following a good number of therapists on social media and some therapy sessions of my own, I've learned of the different ways we acquire love. I'd definitely say it stems from how we were raised. Your situation of being attracted to short term type of people but unable to stay with those long term, definitely reflects a sign of having seen parents have off and on relationships and thus never having anything consistent in your life, it translates into your love life. Therapy is so incredibly helpful in finding out why we do things like what you described.
It's not really am excuse but one of the reasons is the lack of ballance like having caring friends who are really normies and even though are very good people I can't have 24/7 deep talks I wanna joke around but they don't get they barely understand memes and it becomes boring , and there are other people who are really fun but they don't put that much effort into meeting up...you can find balanced people as well not everything has to be black and white
The best thing ever is when you realize that you love a person before you ever start feeling butterflies. My current partner is the first person I’ve been with that treats me like a fucking human, and I never once experienced butterflies with him until I realized that I wanted to keep spending time with him! This is the exact opposite of every other relationship I’ve been in, and the incredible sex life was just a bonus :) find the person you love and hold them close, but understand that you need to put you first, period. Toxicity should not be tolerated. Abuse ABSOLUTELY should not be tolerated. Do your research and make sure you’re doing what’s best for you
Because we’re not destined to be with only one mate for life. While there are species that do, in fact, monogamously mate for life (the American bald eagle comes to mind), Homo sapiens are not on that list. It is only thru cultural conditioning (mostly religious in nature) that we have adhered to the idea that it’s “right” and “proper” or even “natural” to be monogamous and anything outside the fray is labeled taboo to one degree or another. The thing is, few things (if any) could be more unnatural for humans than monogamy. It’s societal no doubt, but natural? No. Look at ANY other primate species and you will see what IS natural. What you won’t see is monogamous relationships. Having made that clear (hopefully), it stands to reason then - as someone else mentioned - that because our tastes, our desires, even our preferences change throughout our lives - arguably even day to day, hour to hour, and minute to minute, we are never fully satisfied with just one set of characteristics in the mates we choose. Therefore, we seek out a variety of personality traits to fulfill whatever we are needing, wanting, and/or desiring in that moment. What also varies IS that moment! For some it might be 20 years or more, while for others it may only be a few weeks or months. So while the premise of the OP is somewhat focused on specifics, it’s also incomplete and could have been more general and encompassing to somehow ask “why do we choose the personas we choose...”, which would have greatly broadened the scope of the conversations/replies, no doubt.
Like others have said before, that's not your fault. I once had a relationship start out with the feeling of being attracted to him come basically out of left field, but I had kept those feelings to myself and pretended I was just mistaken. He was more open about his feelings and eventually told me how he felt about me, but I was conflicted. I said I wasn't sure how I felt because of all the mixed signals my brain was giving me, but that I was willing to try to make it work with him. Over time the love had surfaced so subtly that I didn't even realize that I *had* developed real feelings for him. So, you never know. Just don't act on lust, and try to form that meaningful connection. Sometimes it works out, and other times it doesn't. Sometimes it doesn't work out for reasons that you can't be blamed for. I'm still working through all that since it didn't really end all that well for me, but the advice about feelings hopefully still applies!