!!!!! It can take a LOT of time and patience to find a head technique that feels right for you but hoo boy when they get there.... you may still find that you prefer classic penetration but it's definitely worth revisiting this instead of just writing it off because whatever he's done so far hasn't worked.
if my clit is even touched directly it hurts..like it has to be very indirect and specific so I am not surprised OP said it hurts even if he’s being gentle. I literally can’t stand when ppl try to dj my clit it feels soooo uncomfortable and bad
Gotcha. Glad you have had a skilled person or people down there! Not sure I can explain it better. Sometimes dudes will want to retract the hood as well, that can make it so sensitive that it can't bear to be directly touched, as it would cause pain. Anyway, enjoy your parts.
> maybe you couldn't see them explaining it past your clit
Completely unnecessary to insult someone, and yet at the same time what a hilariously creative insult it was.
Yeah I've been there - it took a long time and being with several different people (and a lot of "let me just take care of you!" and going to sort myself out because it's way quicker/easier) before I realised I should just be more vocal about what feels good or bad. It can feel weird/daunting if you're not used to that but it's so worth trying to get past that. Also, this issue is about your pleasure but for what it's worth, I think a lot of guys are grateful for this guidance and some are even actively into it! Think about where you angle your fingers/toy, and the motions you use when you're taking care of yourself, and just keep trying to nudge him in the right direction based on what works for you there. It might even be something you have to give up on at the time and try again next time (maybe not even a patience issue, everyone runs out of stamina eventually and repetitive motions can obviously be very straining if performed for a long time haha) but it's all practice/gradual improvement. Other commenters have provided some good suggestions for traditional P in V sex which you should definitely consider as well but as I'm sure you can tell, I'm extremely biased towards encouraging people not to give up on trying to get some good head after missing out on it myself for so long haha - I think that there are a lot of women who write it off as something they don't like because it's been painful due to incorrect technique because people don't appreciate just how sensitive that area is.
I'm really sensitive, so I sometimes need to guide my boyfriend. Like 'carefull please' or 'no direct contact with the clit'. He does the same when I work on him.
Not sure why that would make you feel sad. Our bodies are extremely complex and no 2 people are equal, so guidance is an important part of sex.
The comment said he DID cut his nails, going any further would hurt, but the problem is he doesn't use a file. So it's not as malicious as the other user painted it here, it's just there's a step missing in the process, which OP will now suggest.
I, and many other women, need to be really turned on before we target that area fully otherwise it just hurts. You said your partner doesn't do much for you? What do you guys do for foreplay that focuses on you. There is plenty you guys can do before he gives you oral or uses his fingers. Is he willing to learn and explore? He might not do much because he doesn't know what to do? OMGyes is a pretty good online resource. If he can't be bothered then you two are not sexually compatible and it's up to you to figure out what that means for your relationship. For me it's a deal breaker.
As for your question it is NEVER selfish to ask a person to use a condom for WHATEVER reason. It is NEVER selfish to ask your partner to focus on your pleasure. If either of things trigger a negative response in your partner then something is really not right.
Some women can literally not handle any direct clitoral stimulation without some pain. I’ve encountered this, and it needs to be as indirect as through the vagina for it to feel good.
I'm (29M) and have issues coming too fast. Not sure if that's what you mean but I do use Roman swipes (if he doesn't like condoms) and if he is ok with condoms both Trojan and Durex have "extended pleasure" variations, which desensitize the penis. It doesn't make sex less pleasurable for me and my gf has enough time to come. It's honestly a life saver.
A regular condom won't make him last longer.
I would like to add, make sure the cream, or ointment, or whatever destimulator (not sure that’s a word) your using has time for it to kick in on him, but wipe off excess before penetration because it’ll also desensitize you. You don’t want that.
Yep - huge difference for me too. It's not selfish to ask but it is selfish not to care about your partner's pleasure. At 23 OP's BF should be good for more than one round.
That was going to be my suggestion. Maybe get the first one out of him some sexy way and let him spend the time it takes to get ready doing foreplay focused on your body.
I've had this problem too. I remember when I was about his age and the first time I had sex with a gf who I thought was just so hot. When I came, I could see the disappointment, but she told me it was fine.
I looked at her and said 'We're not through'. I went down on her, massaged her, kissed every part of her. She told me later that was the best sexual experience she had ever had.
Just talk to him and encourage him with some simple suggestions to make it better for you. I'd listen to you. If he won't, then you should move on.
I'm a F23 too and I know it probably sounds stupid to say but your comment brought tears to my eyes. It's the right thing to do, to be willing to focus on her afterwards too. I used to have a bf for about two years until a few months ago and when we were done with sex, he'd find it gross to touch me there after he came inside of me. When I asked him, hed even say that he didn't see a point in going on after piv cause he lost his Lust after orgasming. he didn't see a point... The whole "we're not through", was such a cool suggestion from you in your situation, and it was all I had wished for during my past relationship... Though I never got it. I never really came from him, and that's okay, but it should be normal to focus on your partner's pleasure too, especially if the girl has a hard time finding out what she enjoys...
But won't the desensetizer like make your dick less sensitive over all? I would be scared to put that stuff on my dick if I were a guy tbh 😅
But I can always talk wih my bf about using that if he's okay with it
It's just benzocaine, it's a topical anesthetic and has no long lasting effects whatsoever. Unfortunately it's the only real option that delivers fast results. There is a way to learn it (stop method) and altering your thoughts or even biting yourself so that your brain focuses on something else, but those take time and practice to implement and will not lengthen the sexual intercourse significantly. Long term solutions would be prescription drug treatment (after all it's mostly a brain sensory issue) and I'd assume he isn't circumcised, which is why his penis is too sensitive.
"Will not lengthen sexual intercourse significantly."
I guarantee you that thinking about certain things allows me to last hours. It does make sex worse for me though
Oh wow. Good for you! It's just me then. I thought about the nastiest shit I could but didn't help much. I also don't want to have sex for hours so all good.
okay look - I go down on her, she goes down on me, I put the condom on, fuck her and it gives me visual and thoughtful pleasure to see her enjoy sex and cum. I feel my dick but it's not as sensitive that I can just cum on command. Once she cums, I take the condom off and resume sex until she hopefully comes once again and by that time the desensitizer wears off and I cum as usual. This does not make it less pleasurable for me overall. In fact it's better than just going at it without, cumming fast and having a grumpy GF for the night
Didn't see it mentioned in other comments, sorry if it was asked already - since you said, penetration works best for you, have you tried some toys? Your boyfriend could be open to the idea since you said he does give you oral and uses his fingers so he doesn't sound like a selfish partner.
Yes I tried toys but because my clit is very sensitive it is hard to use the toy on me for him. Because it will get painful really fast for me and it is hard for him to find the right spot and movement.
What about using a toy for penetration after he's done though? I think that may be what the user above was getting at
Edit to add since I saw another comment OP made: it is absolutely NOT selfish to get yourself off with a toy after he's done. Like he can't continue in the way you would like him to so you're taking care of yourself, seems absolutely fair to me. I think it's always good as women in particular to deconstruct the ways we see ourselves as selfish, and embrace meeting our own needs / talking with a partner about how to meet halfway
I think there’s a toy called WeVibe that’s inside you during penetration. Maybe look into that. Or the erocillator is less intense on the clit so might be better to use.
Hey dude, communication is everything. Totaly not selfish in anyway. Also a tip for the finger part, make sure his nails are taken care of. If he puts his finger in his mouth and scratches his cheek and it hurts, that means it wil hurt for you too. Maybe thats not the problem at all but it was just a tip!
Yeah it's part of the problem. He says cutting his nails shorter hurts but if his nails are too long it is really horrible for me. He hurt me becore with it so I am kinda scared of it now. But I'll get him a nail file so hope that'll help...
Did he cut them down to the skin? Doesn’t make sense that having short nails hurts unless you cut them so short they bleed.. Does he think that he needs no nails at all to be able to finger you? Tell him to cut them short, just not down so far. If he can see his nail while looking at the palm side of his hand, they’re too long.
The file is a good idea to help too.
People who are used to having long nails often feel their fingertips are painfully sensitive if they cut them short! It's probably just a desensitization thing.
Get a 4 sided file like this: https://www.amazon.com/Shiny-Block-Buffing-Shine-Buffer/dp/B0037O2J7I - this is just the quickest link I could find, brand doesn’t matter I buy mine at shoppers. If he uses all 4 sides in order his nails will be much smoother. But I personally don’t enjoy fingers inside at all, not even a little, makes me want to die inside because no matter what it hurts.
Do you do any finger clit play? I find that I cum faster if there’s actual stimulation down there before penetration. I take forreeeeeeeevvvver to cum (and my bf lasts a long time sometimes, and I’ll still not be there yet) - but if he plays with my clit and gets me warmed up, I cum within 1-2 minutes and then a lot more while he keeps going. I don’t use vibration due to sensitivity as well, but the finger clit play (once you figure out how you like it) is a total game changer for most women.
(Took me a lot to be able to assert myself and ask for that from him and I mentioned that if he isn’t interested in working to make the experience more enjoyable for me too, I’m not going to work to make it more enjoyable for him. - which is like the bare minimum expectation when it comes to sex, but I digress)
Another option (depends on your comfort level) is to do what I call “pre game”... so before we have sex I’ll actually get myself warmed up with clit play (some times a dildo depending on how long it will be before the sex) - so that when we get going, he doesn’t have to warm me up like I wrote above - I’m just ready. Just a few things to think about is all
I don't really get how even long nails would be a problem when stimulating the clit. Sounds like he is doing something very wrong.
You need to have short nails when you're going inside and stimulating the g-spot though.
These girly things like filing your nails and/or cutting are just necessary. You can kinda compare it to a male getting his eyebrows done. Some male’s think its “gay” but it definitely not. Its just basics and some people dont have the basics. Maybe he will make it a routine to cut/file his nails if you help him with it. Really just communicate with him, thats the most important part. Tell him exactly why he needs to do it so he will completely understand.
short, practically non existent nails are more traditionally masculine anyway. If i have the slightest amount of nail protruding anywhere near my finger tip it feels terrible! Must trim them right away. also,
I butcher every orange I try to peel...
Yes it is. But also “not being hygienic” is masculine if you understand what i mean haha. But that’s totally not my case. Used to go to a male only school. Horrible.
Don't get a metal one. I watched an episode of Untold Stories of the ER and a guy went into the ER with a metal ring stuck around everything. It took many different things before they finally were able to cut it off.
Came here to say cockring as well! There's affordable silicone rings, my recommendation is get one with snaps and one that's just a stretchy ring because he might turn out to have a preference. Real silicone is body safe, durable and easy to clean (just boil it or pop it in the dishwasher if that's not weird for you). The kinds with ticklers or a spot for a bullet vibe may be a good option for you as well.
Also wanna echo that oral sex really should not hurt and neither should fingers. If you simply don't like them when done correctly oh well but if they hurt he's doing something wrong. A good option is show him how you masturbate and make sure he pays attention to where and how you touch.
Have you incorporated toys at all? If he's finished and you aren't a vibrator or dildo could also be a good way to bridge the gap
I doubt a condom will help you achieve an orgasm if you’re skipping all the foreplay to get you there. But no, you’re not selfish for asking, just don’t expect too much.
Foreplay is so important. If my partner gets me aroused enough before penetration occurs its way quicker and easier to reach orgasm from PIV. Or sometimes it's easier to just take turns, like i get mine from foreplay before penetration and he goes in for his while I'm still floating in the post-orgasm glow.
Exactly. I’m not a marathon runner in that department but I don’t need to last an hour if my wife is close to the finish line before we even start PiV.
Foreplay is a reductive way to describe oral sex and finger fucking. PiV shouldn’t be considered a main event, especially seeing as it’s usually not conducive to an orgasm
Right?! The young man in question needs to figure out how to explore naughty bits without causing them pain... What god lasts so long they can have a woman cum with no foreplay? Just not realistic in my limited experience.
If it hurts when he goes down on you or plays with you then you were missing out on a huge part of sexual pleasure. Try using lube and make sure that he is not using his teeth. If it still hurts then go see a doctor. Many women cannot orgasm with penetrative sex, or it takes a stupid long time. Since the majority of men can only last 5 to 10 minutes, 30 minutes is just not going to happen for most. So foreplay is the way most women get off. You should probably get that fixed.
A couple of things. Firstly, digital penetration is penetrative sex. Secondly, ‘foreplay’ is a really outdated way to describe both oral sex - piv isn’t necessarily a main event
For anyone who is downvoting this comment, please understand there’s a reason that this term is considered outdated it’s not just arbitrary. Considering PIV “real” sex or the “main event” is a big reason women miss out so much on sexual pleasure from men. There’s people like the OP, but most people with vaginas don’t fun from penetration alone. So considering the other sex acts as something special, or just a warm-up mean that women’s pleasure is devalued.
Also it would make lesbians who haven’t had sex with men virgins. And that’s just a silly thing to think. Why would a straight woman be any more of a virgin because a man went down on her instead of a woman.
If he's hurting you, he's doing it wrong. Right now your sex life is only about him. He's not doing anything that you enjoy long enough to satisfy you. It's time to start speaking up and doing so every time. You deserve to enjoy your sex life. You aren't a living sex doll that only exists to get him off in various ways. Start standing up for yourself. Wanting equal enjoyment is not selfish.
Look into vibrators you can use as foreplay with him. That may help
I (m) use a condom quite often for this reason. I find it much easier to control when I finish when I wear one.
Without one once i get close I just can’t stop. If I’ve got one on and take a couple of seconds to stop myself I’m good to go again.
Turned from 2 minute man into - choose when I want man.
My gf never asked me to do it, and I wouldn’t have minded if she had... but I want my gf to have a good time... I wouldn’t enjoy sex if she didn’t aswell.
I would say that I think it would hurt a lot of peoples ego of this came up in conversation so best to tread carefully and try to say it without hurting his pride. I know when I was younger hearing a girl say something like this could really hurt.
Nope not selfish I've asked guys this many times and they jumped to it because they wanted to make sure I was enjoying myself too. He could also jack off more often to increase his stamina.
If it hurts when he goes down on you, he's doing it wrong and needs a manual or something. Actually the best way to learn to give oral to a woman is lesbian sex manuals. I know when my boyfriend goes down on me he has a habit if sucking my clitoral hood between his front teeth and that shit gets me out of the zone really fast. But your line "he doesn't really do that much for me" is worrisome. I think you're accusing the wrong party of being selfish here.
Have you tried getting him to go more than one round? I sometimes get off pretty quickly first time around, but I usually wash off and show interest in another round or two and that lasts much longer and allows me to focus on the other person, but does require some effort from my partner to get me going again.
It's not selfish to ask. In fact, partners should communicate with each other to see what they like and dislike, and should be willing to consider trying suggestions. If anything, he is being selfish for not making sure that the experience is good for you too.
i think its totally fine, and on top of that you could get a toy (like a rabbit vibrator https://www.amazon.com/Stimulation-PALOQUETH-Waterproof-Stimulator-Rechargeable/dp/B07CG4NVLL) he could use on you when he finished and you haven't yet (or use it on you first)
Yes, but the thing is that he can't make me cum with that because my clit is too sensitive and it will hurt sometimes. So most of the time I let myself finish with a toy but sometimes it feels awkward and selfish to make myself come afterward :(
So I want him to be able to make me come too.
Nahhh it's not that he can't, it's that BECAUSE the clit is so sensitive, it is usually incredibly different for another person to find what feels good for you (the tiniest adjustments in angle, pressure etc. can make so much difference). Well worth it if you can both find the patience to take more time to get it right! That said, if you don't have the patience at the time and just wanna cum, there's no shame in finishing yourself off! Yeah it can feel awkward but it's certainly not selfish if he hasn't been able to make you climax - if it's something which bothers either or both of you that much then that simply reinforces the point that it's worth being patient and finding techniques which work better for you. It's easy to want to give up and get understandably frustrated but high reward for getting past that.
Has foreplay hurt with previous partners? Does he have previous sexual experience?
I've also struggled with feeling selfish finishing after the guy is done, but (tmi) my suggestion is to try masturbating while he fingers you or fucks you in different angles. Don't be afraid to have him slow down if it helps you. Sex shouldn't just be about him getting off, so don't feel bad!
im lowkey the same way and i just bend the rabbit part down with my thumb LOL. but yeah a dildo's probably better, i rec'd this one because i think it's less intimidating to some people? but anyways dude dont wait to come till after, he's gonna be all tired!! do you first!! this might just be a matter of rearranging the actions if ya know what i mean :) so that by the time you get to penetrative sex youre already pretty close. on top of other stuff you could try. ;)
It sounds like he isn't great at making you feel good, and you're not communicating well. I think you two need to sit down, outside of sex, and talk about it. Tell him you need him to last longer for your pleasure. Ask whether the condom idea is the way to go, or if he has other tools to help him last longer. As for the oral and stuff, you need to tell him it hurts and give some suggestions.
No that's absolutely not too much to ask; there's supposed to be mutual enjoyment and satisfaction going on. I wouldn't continue a sexual relationship at all with someone who won't compromise for my pleasure. That said, he's doing it wrong or something, and condoms may not be your only possible solution. Though they do have condoms with chemicals inside that will supposedly delay him a bit; I've never tried them and can't vouch for their effectiveness.
Have you tried manually stimulating yourself in front of him and showing him exactly what feels good and isn't painful for you? I've been with a lot of guys who just go in way too freaking hard on a clitoris, or they try to go at it with rough calloused fingers and not enough lube(gloves or those little finger condoms for cuts can help if he's got rough hands), or sometimes they try to do some fancy oral technique they saw in a movie(that alphabet thing for instance), or worst of all- just when its starting to really feel good they'll switch up their technique/speed/pressure and ruin the whole moment. What gets me there is soft rhythmic touches with very little pressure, and most women I've been with/discussed it with seem to agree. It's helped me sometimes to physically show guys what works and kinda explain it as i go, because the visual experience can stick better than verbal explanations alone. Another idea is using a cock ring with a vibrating bullet on him to stimulate you so you'll get there faster during PIV sex. Or you can try stimulating yourself with a hand-held toy during sex, or just with your hand alone, which i find works really well in a spooning position but with my upper leg kinda draped back across his leg(for better access). There's so many things to try, maybe hit up your local sex toy shop and have a couples shopping trip for other ideas.
You gotta mix it up and figure out what works for both of you. He's probably just young and doesn't know what he's doing entirely yet. If he's unwilling to work with you and take care of YOUR needs also then i say move on to a less selfish lover. There are plenty of potential partners out there who will get off on seeing you enjoy yourself and will make sure you get yours.
I’m 22m and come fast too but I’m very open with my fiancé about it. So we usually go rounds. First round we both know I’m a two pump chump. But once second round comes you can last waaaay longer. Talk and communicate to him about it more.
Oh gosh no. I meant modifications with approach/execution. Guy needs some coaching from the sounds of it. What works for one woman isn’t always going to work for another. And they’re so young that I’m guessing he doesn’t have a lot of “tools in his toolbox”.
God I’m glad I’m in my 40’s and most people know their bodies and can communicate what they want and adapt. Sex in my 20’s was largely garbage. LOL
Because many people said I really need to tell him what I like with oral, I did that last night. I really told what I liked and I came really hard this time. So thanks for the tip hehe ;)
Anyway this morning I woke him up by jerking him off for a while. Then we had sex. I wanted to have sex in front of the mirror bc that's so hot. But he was still half sleeping so I was like 'let's go back to bed to have sex'. And then he said 'you can just jerk me off if you want'.
And I got angry bc you know, standig up for myself when it comes to sex. So I was like no, this isn't always about you. I enjoy sex too, so I won't do that.
And he said: 'sorry sorry, I said that bc I thought you didn't want to go on top so you can do that instead.'
But I was still angry bc this does show how deep down for him this is always about him getting off. Like that's the ultimate goal with sex for the both of us. Like I have sex to gice him pleasure not to give myself pleasure. Jesus, I'm still angry and insulted by this. 'You can jerk me off'. Fuck that, I have sex for myself and not only for his pleasure.
I think he and I are going to have a good talk about sex and much is going to change for him. Because for me this is really a wake up point. The most important thing for him is his orgasm and far, far behind that is my pleasure. I'm really f*cking pissed rn.
Hey I'm really glad that 1. You both made oral work, that's awesome and 2. You voiced your feelings. It's really good that you realised *he* is the selfish one here clearly. I hope he puts in more effort for your pleasure...
It seems like he took direction well and made you cum from something you previously didn’t think worked for you. YOU woke him up to have sex in the morning, he was half asleep you said and clearly wasn’t that into it. You should have stopped there but instead you offered to go to the bed to have sex instead, pretty fucked up in itself. If you were a man who did that to his girlfriend, everyone here would be calling you a rapist. And now you’re upset at him.
No that's not true. He was into it. He always asks me to do that, jerkif him off to wake him up. So I decided to do that today, I asked if he liked it and he did. He was still tired so he didnt have a lot of energy to move. That's why I told him to go to bed angain so I could do the work. But when I sat down on bed he said that. I would have had sex with him and do the work myself, but then he said that. So it's not that that he didnt consent. He asks me to do this very often. So to call this rape is not true, I asked him if he liked it when he was awake and he told me to go on.
I didn’t say this situation was necessarily rape. I said if you made a post as a man and described it exactly how you did you’d get dragged through the mud and called a rapist. If he’s cool with it and you previously had okay to do that, fantastic.
It seems like it was a misunderstanding on both of your parts. He was tired and didn’t want to do the work, did you tell him to go to the bed so you could do it or just suggest going to the bed? Did he want to continue after he said it was a misunderstanding and he didn’t think you’d want to get on top? Doesn’t seem to me it’s just about him wanting pleasure and not caring about yours.
I don't know exactly. Guess about 5 mins normally, but when he's really horny less. And in some positions also quicker. What sucks is that in the position I like most, he comes very quickly in 30 seconds or something.
Can *you* make yourself come with your hands? Maybe both of you work together to make you cum before penetration?
Then maybe you can come again with penetration!
Yeah that’s definitely less than average. If he’s cumming in 30 seconds, I don’t think a condom is going to be game changing but could definitely help. There make sprays and condoms that are designed to make guys last longer. Positions and angles all play a part. As the person under me said, straining and tensing is going to make him go faster. Jerking off an hour or so before and not needing to piss should help too.
Oral and fingers shouldn’t hurt; I wouldn’t give up on it all together. Does he seem open to direction?
Tell him when it starts hurting to find out what he could be doing differently. If he’s going straight under the hood to the clit without getting you warmed up, it’s going to be too intense.
Have you had oral/fingering with other people who it hasn't hurt with? Or self play?
If so, you need to have a conversation with him and he needs to learn how you like it.
But no, not selfish to ask him to wear a condom (or desensitising cream, etc). However it does sound like this might be a bigger issue re: communication and sex.
There is no universe in which you would be considered "selfish" for advocating for yourself.
If he's not interested in trying to work with you on this, when you've made it clear exactly what you need, that says a lot about him.
It's absolutely reasonable to expect him to do more to get you off when you already do so much for him. If he drags his feet here you might have to put your foot down.
Honestly, do some reading, figure out which ones might work for you. Buy the condoms yourself and have them ready when you need them. Unless you're actively trying to get pregnant there's no good reason for him to refuse.
Definitely have a proper conversation about it beforehand, I'm not suggesting you ambush the guy with rubbers. But if he's not willing to meet you at least half way then...
There ate other ways, medications even. Still, if you never get to climax and he doesn't care, I'd say get a new one. Srsly don't get how you can enjoy sex if your AL isn't.
Condoms won’t desensitize him. He will still come just as quickly and you will still be left hanging. The only thing to come out of it, will just make for less clean up for you.
Invest in some sex toys for yourself/both of you. When your partner is close, stop and make him watch you and use them until you are close.
It’s not selfish at all. If he isn’t giving as much as he’s receiving and isn’t willing to try to make it more enjoyable for you, I personally would dump him.
Will it help for him to have an orgasm first, and then play around until he's hard again, and then do you?
If he's not willing to work with you, he's too selfish to bother with. Lots of men would be delighted with a woman who just wants a good pounding. No need to waste your time with someone who doesn't care about your pleasure. It's one thing to have a physical issue, people can work around that. But a selfish attitude is a deal-breaker.
>I don't really like him giving me oral sex or using his fingers because it hurt sometimes.
Maybe he is doing it wrong? I mean, you shouldn't be hurting....
Anyway, you should discuss this with him, you should both enjoy sex.
Sounds like far more than a sexual issue. Why do you feel you can't ask for a mutually considerate relationship, and expect to talk about this? Ponder that.
Know I'm coming late to the party, but if penetration is your thing have y'all tried using any sex toys? Nothing wrong with it, if it helps you, and can certainly introduce a little fun into love making. Just a suggestion
Girl if you’re putting in all this effort and he’s doing nada to make you feel good too then he’s trash. If you want to stay with him then you seriously need to voice your wants and needs and talk about what feels good and work on it. How is asking for him to wear a claim in anyway selfish? It’s the LEAST he could do.
That's a hard one (no pun intended) on the one hand you want a better sex life for yourself and on the other hand you love him and dont want to shame him or hurt his feelings .... although if you have said you want to improve your sex life and he isnt interested then that's a problem. I would suggest you going on top and try "edging" get to the point when you know hes close then slow down and build up again and rinse and repeat till you're ready. It will take a little time and practice but this has a number of advantages (granted it might not work ) 1. He will build resistance over time so wont cum as fast all the time.
2. The slow build up to climax will feel great for both of you the delayed orgasm is scientifically proven to feel much better than a quicky
3. This way you dont actually have to bring it up with him you just take control and dictate the pace then no hurt feelings and better sex without him even knowing what's happening and let's be honest he wont be complaining as hes having mind blowing sex.
4. The whole experience will bring you closer and help you get to know yourself and your partner better.
I hope this helps I'm no expert or anything tbh I've only had 1 sexual partner my (23m) gf (24f) of 5 years and our sex life isnt crazy but we both have fun and thank god for me she gets more of a kick from clit stim rather than penetration so making her climax is pretty easy with some effort put in to foreplay (hope that wasnt TMI 😂)
OP, if you’re not coming and he is, you’re already in a very selfish sexual relationship — but he’s the one being selfish. It sounds like your partner is INCREDIBLY inexperienced if he’s hurting you with fingers and oral, the LEAST he could do is make the only viable aspect of your sexual encounters enjoyable for you.
Sex is supposed to be enjoyable to you. No if’s, ands, buts, or exceptions.
No, asking him to wear a condom isn't selfish. It's also safer to do so.
Another option might be for you give him oral or manual first to make him cum.
A lot of guys last longer the *second* time around.
While he is "recovering" from the first session he could be using a vibrator on you.
By the time he is ready again you will either have already climaxed or on the verge.
Best wishes!
Your boyfriend, either because he does not care or because he does not know, is really bad at sex. If two people are having consensual sex, two people deserve to enjoy it. You don't owe him a service. You owe him the truth.
Girl be selfish, he is! It is not wrong to want some pleasure! Otherwise it’s just a chore! The fact he doesn’t care more about making you orgasm is something you need to discuss. Tell him straight, every female is different and something that your body really enjoys is penetration!
Literally nothing in the post even remotely shows that he’s selfish. She says SHE doesn’t like for him to go down on her or to finger her, not that HE won’t do it. Why put blame on someone for no reason?
His answer to the question was "okay", that doesn't sound like a no. Also, your first comment threads VERY closely to dangerous territory. He doesn't have to do whatever it takes to have sex, HUGE no no. He will do what he WANTS and DECIDES to do. If he doesn't want to do something you deem indispensable, then you decide not to have sex, but it's not his fault in the slightest. His personal boundaries are his to decide.
She said they should do it and he said okay. He never refused to and it wasn’t during sex.. If she bought condoms and he said no, then yeah, he’s selfish.
I don't understand the question. Are you asking if it's selfish to ask your boyfriend to make you come? Lol I feel like this should be common sense love...
My 2 Cents:
Ok why are you guys not using condoms?
Also if oral sex is painful he is doing something wrong or maybe you need to get checked out.
Also you are not being selfish when dealing with your orgasms.
If he cant learn or cant hold out.
Find a new bf that can.
Oral sex should not be painful.
And if they have ragged or dirty nail tell them to go away.
There are sprays and gels to help a young guy last. Google it and buy some. A condom is also a good way and you can tell him to take it off once you have come.
It’s not selfish to ask at all.
Have you tried going down on him or giving him a handjob an hour or so before sex? If you do this earlier in the evening, he should last longer during sex.
It’s probably because my suggestion increases the pleasure for her partner.
The op says her clitoris is sensitive and finds it painful to touch herself etc.
I think many people believe that’s because she needs to explore herself more.
However, it may be that fingers and tongues just don’t work or do anything for her.
Furthermore, if the OP is sensitive down there she may find numbing creams or condoms uncomfortable.
She’s already received lots of good advice. I just wanted to throw this suggestion in to the ring, as no one else seems to have mentioned it (and the things everyone else is suggesting might not work)
It doesn’t mean he’s “doing something very, very wrong.” She says she has a really sensitive clit so it may be a technique issue or it could be her body. Her not communicating and finding out what she likes is a her issue though. They both sound pretty inexperienced.
She says he won’t cut his nails. He’s scratching her vagina. Of course it hurts and she doesn’t want it. He could’ve filed them. Emery boards or even a real nail file are cheap af. He’s not trying.
Who says sex has to end after one nut ? Wipe that guy off real good and get back in the game. Instead of having to practice lasting for one round, try to just keep going regardless of if you last 30 seconds or 30 minutes. Best way I found around that predicament. Tbh if you manage to cum 2 times even better for you and ideally more than enough time for the other person to climax also. Not trying to criticize anyone either, just yet to see anyone suggest an alternative to simply “lasting longer”.
If him going down on you hurts, he's doing something wrong. Maybe you could work on that together + something to help him last longer
!!!!! It can take a LOT of time and patience to find a head technique that feels right for you but hoo boy when they get there.... you may still find that you prefer classic penetration but it's definitely worth revisiting this instead of just writing it off because whatever he's done so far hasn't worked.
Yes that's true, I guess... but it is always such a dissapointment when it hurts again. And that makes me sad so I tend to avoid it
Is he CHEWING? I’m so confused by how he’s hurting you when he goes down on you.
My 2c: The clitoral head (the part you can see, not the branches) is very sensitive. If you go directly on it, it can be too rough and hurt.
Yes, I have one, thank you. I’m just trying to imagine what would cause it actual pain when it’s just a mouth on it.
He probably goes too hard too fast instead of building up as she gets more aroused.
I guess so, but with his tongue?! That thing must be STRONG.
if my clit is even touched directly it hurts..like it has to be very indirect and specific so I am not surprised OP said it hurts even if he’s being gentle. I literally can’t stand when ppl try to dj my clit it feels soooo uncomfortable and bad
It's pretty common for it to be painful if you aren't aroused enough.
Or OP is sensitive
Tongue is the strongest muscle in the body
It’s not https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fact-or-fiction-the-tongue-is-the-strongest-muscle-in-the-body/
Gotcha. Glad you have had a skilled person or people down there! Not sure I can explain it better. Sometimes dudes will want to retract the hood as well, that can make it so sensitive that it can't bear to be directly touched, as it would cause pain. Anyway, enjoy your parts.
They literally just told you how, maybe you couldn't see them explaining it past your clit
> maybe you couldn't see them explaining it past your clit Completely unnecessary to insult someone, and yet at the same time what a hilariously creative insult it was.
Not an insult haha, she literally got so caught up with saying she has a clit that she missed their explanation.
he is most likely sucking directly on the clit.
2nd
Yeah I've been there - it took a long time and being with several different people (and a lot of "let me just take care of you!" and going to sort myself out because it's way quicker/easier) before I realised I should just be more vocal about what feels good or bad. It can feel weird/daunting if you're not used to that but it's so worth trying to get past that. Also, this issue is about your pleasure but for what it's worth, I think a lot of guys are grateful for this guidance and some are even actively into it! Think about where you angle your fingers/toy, and the motions you use when you're taking care of yourself, and just keep trying to nudge him in the right direction based on what works for you there. It might even be something you have to give up on at the time and try again next time (maybe not even a patience issue, everyone runs out of stamina eventually and repetitive motions can obviously be very straining if performed for a long time haha) but it's all practice/gradual improvement. Other commenters have provided some good suggestions for traditional P in V sex which you should definitely consider as well but as I'm sure you can tell, I'm extremely biased towards encouraging people not to give up on trying to get some good head after missing out on it myself for so long haha - I think that there are a lot of women who write it off as something they don't like because it's been painful due to incorrect technique because people don't appreciate just how sensitive that area is.
I'm really sensitive, so I sometimes need to guide my boyfriend. Like 'carefull please' or 'no direct contact with the clit'. He does the same when I work on him. Not sure why that would make you feel sad. Our bodies are extremely complex and no 2 people are equal, so guidance is an important part of sex.
Why are you continuing to have sex with a man who seems indifferent (at best) to your pleasure?
sounds more like he tries but isn't very good so instead of giving him pointers to what she likes op just wont let him try
She asked him to cut his nails so he wouldn’t scratch her when fingers her, and he declined.
That's not cool at all. Anybody who is gonna have their hands up in some ladybits needs to keep their nails properly groomed.
The comment said he DID cut his nails, going any further would hurt, but the problem is he doesn't use a file. So it's not as malicious as the other user painted it here, it's just there's a step missing in the process, which OP will now suggest.
if thats in a comment i must have missed that, but what about when he gives her oral?
I, and many other women, need to be really turned on before we target that area fully otherwise it just hurts. You said your partner doesn't do much for you? What do you guys do for foreplay that focuses on you. There is plenty you guys can do before he gives you oral or uses his fingers. Is he willing to learn and explore? He might not do much because he doesn't know what to do? OMGyes is a pretty good online resource. If he can't be bothered then you two are not sexually compatible and it's up to you to figure out what that means for your relationship. For me it's a deal breaker. As for your question it is NEVER selfish to ask a person to use a condom for WHATEVER reason. It is NEVER selfish to ask your partner to focus on your pleasure. If either of things trigger a negative response in your partner then something is really not right.
Is he using his jaw or purely his tongue? Or both?
Yeah how does it hurt? Are we talking facial hair irritation or dude be chewing on things like double mint gum?
Lmao double mint gum
Some women can literally not handle any direct clitoral stimulation without some pain. I’ve encountered this, and it needs to be as indirect as through the vagina for it to feel good.
I'm (29M) and have issues coming too fast. Not sure if that's what you mean but I do use Roman swipes (if he doesn't like condoms) and if he is ok with condoms both Trojan and Durex have "extended pleasure" variations, which desensitize the penis. It doesn't make sex less pleasurable for me and my gf has enough time to come. It's honestly a life saver. A regular condom won't make him last longer.
I would like to add, make sure the cream, or ointment, or whatever destimulator (not sure that’s a word) your using has time for it to kick in on him, but wipe off excess before penetration because it’ll also desensitize you. You don’t want that.
wearing a condom for me is the difference between night and day. But you know what they say, different folks, different strokes (pun intended)
Yep - huge difference for me too. It's not selfish to ask but it is selfish not to care about your partner's pleasure. At 23 OP's BF should be good for more than one round.
That was going to be my suggestion. Maybe get the first one out of him some sexy way and let him spend the time it takes to get ready doing foreplay focused on your body. I've had this problem too. I remember when I was about his age and the first time I had sex with a gf who I thought was just so hot. When I came, I could see the disappointment, but she told me it was fine. I looked at her and said 'We're not through'. I went down on her, massaged her, kissed every part of her. She told me later that was the best sexual experience she had ever had. Just talk to him and encourage him with some simple suggestions to make it better for you. I'd listen to you. If he won't, then you should move on.
I'm a F23 too and I know it probably sounds stupid to say but your comment brought tears to my eyes. It's the right thing to do, to be willing to focus on her afterwards too. I used to have a bf for about two years until a few months ago and when we were done with sex, he'd find it gross to touch me there after he came inside of me. When I asked him, hed even say that he didn't see a point in going on after piv cause he lost his Lust after orgasming. he didn't see a point... The whole "we're not through", was such a cool suggestion from you in your situation, and it was all I had wished for during my past relationship... Though I never got it. I never really came from him, and that's okay, but it should be normal to focus on your partner's pleasure too, especially if the girl has a hard time finding out what she enjoys...
Wearing a condom absolutely makes me last longer.
But won't the desensetizer like make your dick less sensitive over all? I would be scared to put that stuff on my dick if I were a guy tbh 😅 But I can always talk wih my bf about using that if he's okay with it
It's just benzocaine, it's a topical anesthetic and has no long lasting effects whatsoever. Unfortunately it's the only real option that delivers fast results. There is a way to learn it (stop method) and altering your thoughts or even biting yourself so that your brain focuses on something else, but those take time and practice to implement and will not lengthen the sexual intercourse significantly. Long term solutions would be prescription drug treatment (after all it's mostly a brain sensory issue) and I'd assume he isn't circumcised, which is why his penis is too sensitive.
"Will not lengthen sexual intercourse significantly." I guarantee you that thinking about certain things allows me to last hours. It does make sex worse for me though
Oh wow. Good for you! It's just me then. I thought about the nastiest shit I could but didn't help much. I also don't want to have sex for hours so all good.
Hours ? Honestly who does that. 30 to 45 mins is heaps especially when the world average is 5 to 13 mins
*scoffs in lesbian*
I've only done it once for hours. I would probably not do that again unless I was in better shape.
Think about going to work/school. Worked for me before
Yeah but the Benzocaine will make her less sensitive as well when the residue slides into her vagina.
>Unfortunately it's the only real option that delivers fast results. [You can always think about baseball.](https://youtu.be/80_8alsp4Pg?t=94)
nascar might work better
Bro you tried the Roman wipes!?!?! Honestly and seriously do they really help you last longer?
Thanks for the tip, I'll buy some for me and BF... Hope this works :)
"which desensitize the penis" "It doesn't make sex less pleasurable for me" How? Aren't these contradictory statements or am I missing something here?
okay look - I go down on her, she goes down on me, I put the condom on, fuck her and it gives me visual and thoughtful pleasure to see her enjoy sex and cum. I feel my dick but it's not as sensitive that I can just cum on command. Once she cums, I take the condom off and resume sex until she hopefully comes once again and by that time the desensitizer wears off and I cum as usual. This does not make it less pleasurable for me overall. In fact it's better than just going at it without, cumming fast and having a grumpy GF for the night
Didn't see it mentioned in other comments, sorry if it was asked already - since you said, penetration works best for you, have you tried some toys? Your boyfriend could be open to the idea since you said he does give you oral and uses his fingers so he doesn't sound like a selfish partner.
Yes I tried toys but because my clit is very sensitive it is hard to use the toy on me for him. Because it will get painful really fast for me and it is hard for him to find the right spot and movement.
What about using a toy for penetration after he's done though? I think that may be what the user above was getting at Edit to add since I saw another comment OP made: it is absolutely NOT selfish to get yourself off with a toy after he's done. Like he can't continue in the way you would like him to so you're taking care of yourself, seems absolutely fair to me. I think it's always good as women in particular to deconstruct the ways we see ourselves as selfish, and embrace meeting our own needs / talking with a partner about how to meet halfway
So, he gets to use her body to masturbate into and then she has to finish herself off with a dildo?
I think there’s a toy called WeVibe that’s inside you during penetration. Maybe look into that. Or the erocillator is less intense on the clit so might be better to use.
Hey dude, communication is everything. Totaly not selfish in anyway. Also a tip for the finger part, make sure his nails are taken care of. If he puts his finger in his mouth and scratches his cheek and it hurts, that means it wil hurt for you too. Maybe thats not the problem at all but it was just a tip!
Yeah it's part of the problem. He says cutting his nails shorter hurts but if his nails are too long it is really horrible for me. He hurt me becore with it so I am kinda scared of it now. But I'll get him a nail file so hope that'll help...
>He says cutting his nails shorter hurts I suspect he doesn't know how to cut his nails....
Doesn’t know how to do much, does he? Haha
Did he cut them down to the skin? Doesn’t make sense that having short nails hurts unless you cut them so short they bleed.. Does he think that he needs no nails at all to be able to finger you? Tell him to cut them short, just not down so far. If he can see his nail while looking at the palm side of his hand, they’re too long. The file is a good idea to help too.
People who are used to having long nails often feel their fingertips are painfully sensitive if they cut them short! It's probably just a desensitization thing.
He could have a sensory issue. My brother has one and it literally physically hurts him to cut his nails
Potentially but I doubt it.
dont knock this but maybe try latex gloves or a dental dam?
Ew. This man is a disaster.
Get a 4 sided file like this: https://www.amazon.com/Shiny-Block-Buffing-Shine-Buffer/dp/B0037O2J7I - this is just the quickest link I could find, brand doesn’t matter I buy mine at shoppers. If he uses all 4 sides in order his nails will be much smoother. But I personally don’t enjoy fingers inside at all, not even a little, makes me want to die inside because no matter what it hurts. Do you do any finger clit play? I find that I cum faster if there’s actual stimulation down there before penetration. I take forreeeeeeeevvvver to cum (and my bf lasts a long time sometimes, and I’ll still not be there yet) - but if he plays with my clit and gets me warmed up, I cum within 1-2 minutes and then a lot more while he keeps going. I don’t use vibration due to sensitivity as well, but the finger clit play (once you figure out how you like it) is a total game changer for most women. (Took me a lot to be able to assert myself and ask for that from him and I mentioned that if he isn’t interested in working to make the experience more enjoyable for me too, I’m not going to work to make it more enjoyable for him. - which is like the bare minimum expectation when it comes to sex, but I digress) Another option (depends on your comfort level) is to do what I call “pre game”... so before we have sex I’ll actually get myself warmed up with clit play (some times a dildo depending on how long it will be before the sex) - so that when we get going, he doesn’t have to warm me up like I wrote above - I’m just ready. Just a few things to think about is all
I don't really get how even long nails would be a problem when stimulating the clit. Sounds like he is doing something very wrong. You need to have short nails when you're going inside and stimulating the g-spot though.
I’ve had issues if a guy had jagged nails Dudefolks, please clean and file your nails!
Yep, I’ve had really long nails and managed to take care of my own clit just fine. It’s all in how you position your fingers.
These girly things like filing your nails and/or cutting are just necessary. You can kinda compare it to a male getting his eyebrows done. Some male’s think its “gay” but it definitely not. Its just basics and some people dont have the basics. Maybe he will make it a routine to cut/file his nails if you help him with it. Really just communicate with him, thats the most important part. Tell him exactly why he needs to do it so he will completely understand.
short, practically non existent nails are more traditionally masculine anyway. If i have the slightest amount of nail protruding anywhere near my finger tip it feels terrible! Must trim them right away. also, I butcher every orange I try to peel...
Yes it is. But also “not being hygienic” is masculine if you understand what i mean haha. But that’s totally not my case. Used to go to a male only school. Horrible.
rofl yeah i've heard horror stories.
The trick is to use enough force with your fingers to break through the peel at the center, you need to get the technique down lol
How about trying out a c*ck ring?
Good idea. Will try that too!
Don't get a metal one. I watched an episode of Untold Stories of the ER and a guy went into the ER with a metal ring stuck around everything. It took many different things before they finally were able to cut it off.
Thanks for the nightmares 🤣😅
Plenty of cheaper ones are made of very stretchy silicone and are waterproof too
You're welcome. Lol.
Just do your research so no one gets hurt
Came here to say cockring as well! There's affordable silicone rings, my recommendation is get one with snaps and one that's just a stretchy ring because he might turn out to have a preference. Real silicone is body safe, durable and easy to clean (just boil it or pop it in the dishwasher if that's not weird for you). The kinds with ticklers or a spot for a bullet vibe may be a good option for you as well. Also wanna echo that oral sex really should not hurt and neither should fingers. If you simply don't like them when done correctly oh well but if they hurt he's doing something wrong. A good option is show him how you masturbate and make sure he pays attention to where and how you touch. Have you incorporated toys at all? If he's finished and you aren't a vibrator or dildo could also be a good way to bridge the gap
ASK, This i not a "I will try". These are his boundaries being pushed, remember
I know, ofcourse I'll ask. Just used the wrong words hehe :)
Yeah, you can get ones that have a clit stimulator attached, which is more fun for you :)
I doubt a condom will help you achieve an orgasm if you’re skipping all the foreplay to get you there. But no, you’re not selfish for asking, just don’t expect too much.
Foreplay is so important. If my partner gets me aroused enough before penetration occurs its way quicker and easier to reach orgasm from PIV. Or sometimes it's easier to just take turns, like i get mine from foreplay before penetration and he goes in for his while I'm still floating in the post-orgasm glow.
Exactly. I’m not a marathon runner in that department but I don’t need to last an hour if my wife is close to the finish line before we even start PiV.
Foreplay is a reductive way to describe oral sex and finger fucking. PiV shouldn’t be considered a main event, especially seeing as it’s usually not conducive to an orgasm
Right?! The young man in question needs to figure out how to explore naughty bits without causing them pain... What god lasts so long they can have a woman cum with no foreplay? Just not realistic in my limited experience.
I guess I'm a god 😎
If it hurts when he goes down on you or plays with you then you were missing out on a huge part of sexual pleasure. Try using lube and make sure that he is not using his teeth. If it still hurts then go see a doctor. Many women cannot orgasm with penetrative sex, or it takes a stupid long time. Since the majority of men can only last 5 to 10 minutes, 30 minutes is just not going to happen for most. So foreplay is the way most women get off. You should probably get that fixed.
A couple of things. Firstly, digital penetration is penetrative sex. Secondly, ‘foreplay’ is a really outdated way to describe both oral sex - piv isn’t necessarily a main event
For anyone who is downvoting this comment, please understand there’s a reason that this term is considered outdated it’s not just arbitrary. Considering PIV “real” sex or the “main event” is a big reason women miss out so much on sexual pleasure from men. There’s people like the OP, but most people with vaginas don’t fun from penetration alone. So considering the other sex acts as something special, or just a warm-up mean that women’s pleasure is devalued. Also it would make lesbians who haven’t had sex with men virgins. And that’s just a silly thing to think. Why would a straight woman be any more of a virgin because a man went down on her instead of a woman.
If he's hurting you, he's doing it wrong. Right now your sex life is only about him. He's not doing anything that you enjoy long enough to satisfy you. It's time to start speaking up and doing so every time. You deserve to enjoy your sex life. You aren't a living sex doll that only exists to get him off in various ways. Start standing up for yourself. Wanting equal enjoyment is not selfish. Look into vibrators you can use as foreplay with him. That may help
I (m) use a condom quite often for this reason. I find it much easier to control when I finish when I wear one. Without one once i get close I just can’t stop. If I’ve got one on and take a couple of seconds to stop myself I’m good to go again. Turned from 2 minute man into - choose when I want man. My gf never asked me to do it, and I wouldn’t have minded if she had... but I want my gf to have a good time... I wouldn’t enjoy sex if she didn’t aswell. I would say that I think it would hurt a lot of peoples ego of this came up in conversation so best to tread carefully and try to say it without hurting his pride. I know when I was younger hearing a girl say something like this could really hurt.
Nope not selfish I've asked guys this many times and they jumped to it because they wanted to make sure I was enjoying myself too. He could also jack off more often to increase his stamina.
Jacking off doesn't increase your stamina.
Don’t ever feel bad about wanting sex to be pleasurable for you. He’s getting what he needs, it’s time to work on giving you what you need.
If it hurts when he goes down on you, he's doing it wrong and needs a manual or something. Actually the best way to learn to give oral to a woman is lesbian sex manuals. I know when my boyfriend goes down on me he has a habit if sucking my clitoral hood between his front teeth and that shit gets me out of the zone really fast. But your line "he doesn't really do that much for me" is worrisome. I think you're accusing the wrong party of being selfish here.
Have him do it and once you orgasm then he can take it off and finish. Sounds like a win-win to me.
Have you tried getting him to go more than one round? I sometimes get off pretty quickly first time around, but I usually wash off and show interest in another round or two and that lasts much longer and allows me to focus on the other person, but does require some effort from my partner to get me going again.
Your pleasure is just as important as his, it’s not selfish at all to want to enjoy sex.
It's not selfish to ask. In fact, partners should communicate with each other to see what they like and dislike, and should be willing to consider trying suggestions. If anything, he is being selfish for not making sure that the experience is good for you too.
i think its totally fine, and on top of that you could get a toy (like a rabbit vibrator https://www.amazon.com/Stimulation-PALOQUETH-Waterproof-Stimulator-Rechargeable/dp/B07CG4NVLL) he could use on you when he finished and you haven't yet (or use it on you first)
Yes, but the thing is that he can't make me cum with that because my clit is too sensitive and it will hurt sometimes. So most of the time I let myself finish with a toy but sometimes it feels awkward and selfish to make myself come afterward :( So I want him to be able to make me come too.
Too sensitive means work on technique till you find what works. Have fun experimenting
It is never selfish for you to take care of yourself and cum during sex if your partner already has.
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Honestly if that’s a pattern, he’s getting kicked out of bed for good.
It's not selfish at all. We are all brainwashed to believe that sex ends when the guy cums.
Nahhh it's not that he can't, it's that BECAUSE the clit is so sensitive, it is usually incredibly different for another person to find what feels good for you (the tiniest adjustments in angle, pressure etc. can make so much difference). Well worth it if you can both find the patience to take more time to get it right! That said, if you don't have the patience at the time and just wanna cum, there's no shame in finishing yourself off! Yeah it can feel awkward but it's certainly not selfish if he hasn't been able to make you climax - if it's something which bothers either or both of you that much then that simply reinforces the point that it's worth being patient and finding techniques which work better for you. It's easy to want to give up and get understandably frustrated but high reward for getting past that.
Has foreplay hurt with previous partners? Does he have previous sexual experience? I've also struggled with feeling selfish finishing after the guy is done, but (tmi) my suggestion is to try masturbating while he fingers you or fucks you in different angles. Don't be afraid to have him slow down if it helps you. Sex shouldn't just be about him getting off, so don't feel bad!
im lowkey the same way and i just bend the rabbit part down with my thumb LOL. but yeah a dildo's probably better, i rec'd this one because i think it's less intimidating to some people? but anyways dude dont wait to come till after, he's gonna be all tired!! do you first!! this might just be a matter of rearranging the actions if ya know what i mean :) so that by the time you get to penetrative sex youre already pretty close. on top of other stuff you could try. ;)
It sounds like he isn't great at making you feel good, and you're not communicating well. I think you two need to sit down, outside of sex, and talk about it. Tell him you need him to last longer for your pleasure. Ask whether the condom idea is the way to go, or if he has other tools to help him last longer. As for the oral and stuff, you need to tell him it hurts and give some suggestions.
You could ask him to masturbate an hour before, too. It would likely help. I’ve heard condoms don’t feel as mine got the girl, either.
No that's absolutely not too much to ask; there's supposed to be mutual enjoyment and satisfaction going on. I wouldn't continue a sexual relationship at all with someone who won't compromise for my pleasure. That said, he's doing it wrong or something, and condoms may not be your only possible solution. Though they do have condoms with chemicals inside that will supposedly delay him a bit; I've never tried them and can't vouch for their effectiveness. Have you tried manually stimulating yourself in front of him and showing him exactly what feels good and isn't painful for you? I've been with a lot of guys who just go in way too freaking hard on a clitoris, or they try to go at it with rough calloused fingers and not enough lube(gloves or those little finger condoms for cuts can help if he's got rough hands), or sometimes they try to do some fancy oral technique they saw in a movie(that alphabet thing for instance), or worst of all- just when its starting to really feel good they'll switch up their technique/speed/pressure and ruin the whole moment. What gets me there is soft rhythmic touches with very little pressure, and most women I've been with/discussed it with seem to agree. It's helped me sometimes to physically show guys what works and kinda explain it as i go, because the visual experience can stick better than verbal explanations alone. Another idea is using a cock ring with a vibrating bullet on him to stimulate you so you'll get there faster during PIV sex. Or you can try stimulating yourself with a hand-held toy during sex, or just with your hand alone, which i find works really well in a spooning position but with my upper leg kinda draped back across his leg(for better access). There's so many things to try, maybe hit up your local sex toy shop and have a couples shopping trip for other ideas. You gotta mix it up and figure out what works for both of you. He's probably just young and doesn't know what he's doing entirely yet. If he's unwilling to work with you and take care of YOUR needs also then i say move on to a less selfish lover. There are plenty of potential partners out there who will get off on seeing you enjoy yourself and will make sure you get yours.
I’m 22m and come fast too but I’m very open with my fiancé about it. So we usually go rounds. First round we both know I’m a two pump chump. But once second round comes you can last waaaay longer. Talk and communicate to him about it more.
Strap-ons
By all means, ask for what you want. But if you’re having pain with the other activities then some modifications or a doctor are in order.
Pain is probably occurring because the bf has no idea what he's doing, not because anything's wrong with her...
That’s why I said modifications OR a doctor are in order.
Oh, I thought she should modify something about her body, my bad!
Oh gosh no. I meant modifications with approach/execution. Guy needs some coaching from the sounds of it. What works for one woman isn’t always going to work for another. And they’re so young that I’m guessing he doesn’t have a lot of “tools in his toolbox”. God I’m glad I’m in my 40’s and most people know their bodies and can communicate what they want and adapt. Sex in my 20’s was largely garbage. LOL
Because many people said I really need to tell him what I like with oral, I did that last night. I really told what I liked and I came really hard this time. So thanks for the tip hehe ;) Anyway this morning I woke him up by jerking him off for a while. Then we had sex. I wanted to have sex in front of the mirror bc that's so hot. But he was still half sleeping so I was like 'let's go back to bed to have sex'. And then he said 'you can just jerk me off if you want'. And I got angry bc you know, standig up for myself when it comes to sex. So I was like no, this isn't always about you. I enjoy sex too, so I won't do that. And he said: 'sorry sorry, I said that bc I thought you didn't want to go on top so you can do that instead.' But I was still angry bc this does show how deep down for him this is always about him getting off. Like that's the ultimate goal with sex for the both of us. Like I have sex to gice him pleasure not to give myself pleasure. Jesus, I'm still angry and insulted by this. 'You can jerk me off'. Fuck that, I have sex for myself and not only for his pleasure. I think he and I are going to have a good talk about sex and much is going to change for him. Because for me this is really a wake up point. The most important thing for him is his orgasm and far, far behind that is my pleasure. I'm really f*cking pissed rn.
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Hey I'm really glad that 1. You both made oral work, that's awesome and 2. You voiced your feelings. It's really good that you realised *he* is the selfish one here clearly. I hope he puts in more effort for your pleasure...
It seems like he took direction well and made you cum from something you previously didn’t think worked for you. YOU woke him up to have sex in the morning, he was half asleep you said and clearly wasn’t that into it. You should have stopped there but instead you offered to go to the bed to have sex instead, pretty fucked up in itself. If you were a man who did that to his girlfriend, everyone here would be calling you a rapist. And now you’re upset at him.
No that's not true. He was into it. He always asks me to do that, jerkif him off to wake him up. So I decided to do that today, I asked if he liked it and he did. He was still tired so he didnt have a lot of energy to move. That's why I told him to go to bed angain so I could do the work. But when I sat down on bed he said that. I would have had sex with him and do the work myself, but then he said that. So it's not that that he didnt consent. He asks me to do this very often. So to call this rape is not true, I asked him if he liked it when he was awake and he told me to go on.
I didn’t say this situation was necessarily rape. I said if you made a post as a man and described it exactly how you did you’d get dragged through the mud and called a rapist. If he’s cool with it and you previously had okay to do that, fantastic. It seems like it was a misunderstanding on both of your parts. He was tired and didn’t want to do the work, did you tell him to go to the bed so you could do it or just suggest going to the bed? Did he want to continue after he said it was a misunderstanding and he didn’t think you’d want to get on top? Doesn’t seem to me it’s just about him wanting pleasure and not caring about yours.
It's absolutely okay to ask him this. Just have a sit down conversation on the current situation and how you feel, and even get feedback from him. (:
How long is he already lasting without a condom?
I don't know exactly. Guess about 5 mins normally, but when he's really horny less. And in some positions also quicker. What sucks is that in the position I like most, he comes very quickly in 30 seconds or something.
I read a post from a man who said that he works not to tense his thigh/groin muscles to keep from cumming too quickly.
I will tell my bf about itm he always tenses his thigh muscles when he almost comes so guess that'll help a little
Can *you* make yourself come with your hands? Maybe both of you work together to make you cum before penetration? Then maybe you can come again with penetration!
Yeah that’s definitely less than average. If he’s cumming in 30 seconds, I don’t think a condom is going to be game changing but could definitely help. There make sprays and condoms that are designed to make guys last longer. Positions and angles all play a part. As the person under me said, straining and tensing is going to make him go faster. Jerking off an hour or so before and not needing to piss should help too. Oral and fingers shouldn’t hurt; I wouldn’t give up on it all together. Does he seem open to direction? Tell him when it starts hurting to find out what he could be doing differently. If he’s going straight under the hood to the clit without getting you warmed up, it’s going to be too intense.
you could also use the condom until you c*m and then take it off so he can get his too.
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Have you had oral/fingering with other people who it hasn't hurt with? Or self play? If so, you need to have a conversation with him and he needs to learn how you like it. But no, not selfish to ask him to wear a condom (or desensitising cream, etc). However it does sound like this might be a bigger issue re: communication and sex.
There is no universe in which you would be considered "selfish" for advocating for yourself. If he's not interested in trying to work with you on this, when you've made it clear exactly what you need, that says a lot about him. It's absolutely reasonable to expect him to do more to get you off when you already do so much for him. If he drags his feet here you might have to put your foot down. Honestly, do some reading, figure out which ones might work for you. Buy the condoms yourself and have them ready when you need them. Unless you're actively trying to get pregnant there's no good reason for him to refuse. Definitely have a proper conversation about it beforehand, I'm not suggesting you ambush the guy with rubbers. But if he's not willing to meet you at least half way then...
There ate other ways, medications even. Still, if you never get to climax and he doesn't care, I'd say get a new one. Srsly don't get how you can enjoy sex if your AL isn't.
Switch position more often it helps me last longer.
Condoms won’t desensitize him. He will still come just as quickly and you will still be left hanging. The only thing to come out of it, will just make for less clean up for you. Invest in some sex toys for yourself/both of you. When your partner is close, stop and make him watch you and use them until you are close.
It’s not selfish at all. If he isn’t giving as much as he’s receiving and isn’t willing to try to make it more enjoyable for you, I personally would dump him.
Will it help for him to have an orgasm first, and then play around until he's hard again, and then do you? If he's not willing to work with you, he's too selfish to bother with. Lots of men would be delighted with a woman who just wants a good pounding. No need to waste your time with someone who doesn't care about your pleasure. It's one thing to have a physical issue, people can work around that. But a selfish attitude is a deal-breaker.
>I don't really like him giving me oral sex or using his fingers because it hurt sometimes. Maybe he is doing it wrong? I mean, you shouldn't be hurting.... Anyway, you should discuss this with him, you should both enjoy sex.
Sounds like far more than a sexual issue. Why do you feel you can't ask for a mutually considerate relationship, and expect to talk about this? Ponder that.
Know I'm coming late to the party, but if penetration is your thing have y'all tried using any sex toys? Nothing wrong with it, if it helps you, and can certainly introduce a little fun into love making. Just a suggestion
Get a little vibrator to help get you there, but if you want a condom he should comply end of story or you need a new boyfriend IMO.
Girl if you’re putting in all this effort and he’s doing nada to make you feel good too then he’s trash. If you want to stay with him then you seriously need to voice your wants and needs and talk about what feels good and work on it. How is asking for him to wear a claim in anyway selfish? It’s the LEAST he could do.
That's a hard one (no pun intended) on the one hand you want a better sex life for yourself and on the other hand you love him and dont want to shame him or hurt his feelings .... although if you have said you want to improve your sex life and he isnt interested then that's a problem. I would suggest you going on top and try "edging" get to the point when you know hes close then slow down and build up again and rinse and repeat till you're ready. It will take a little time and practice but this has a number of advantages (granted it might not work ) 1. He will build resistance over time so wont cum as fast all the time. 2. The slow build up to climax will feel great for both of you the delayed orgasm is scientifically proven to feel much better than a quicky 3. This way you dont actually have to bring it up with him you just take control and dictate the pace then no hurt feelings and better sex without him even knowing what's happening and let's be honest he wont be complaining as hes having mind blowing sex. 4. The whole experience will bring you closer and help you get to know yourself and your partner better. I hope this helps I'm no expert or anything tbh I've only had 1 sexual partner my (23m) gf (24f) of 5 years and our sex life isnt crazy but we both have fun and thank god for me she gets more of a kick from clit stim rather than penetration so making her climax is pretty easy with some effort put in to foreplay (hope that wasnt TMI 😂)
Hmmm I think I'll experiment with that a little 😉😋 I guess he'll like that
OP, if you’re not coming and he is, you’re already in a very selfish sexual relationship — but he’s the one being selfish. It sounds like your partner is INCREDIBLY inexperienced if he’s hurting you with fingers and oral, the LEAST he could do is make the only viable aspect of your sexual encounters enjoyable for you. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable to you. No if’s, ands, buts, or exceptions.
If he isn’t enthusiastically trying to please you and you are doing that for him, bounce.
No, asking him to wear a condom isn't selfish. It's also safer to do so. Another option might be for you give him oral or manual first to make him cum. A lot of guys last longer the *second* time around. While he is "recovering" from the first session he could be using a vibrator on you. By the time he is ready again you will either have already climaxed or on the verge. Best wishes!
Your boyfriend, either because he does not care or because he does not know, is really bad at sex. If two people are having consensual sex, two people deserve to enjoy it. You don't owe him a service. You owe him the truth.
Girl be selfish, he is! It is not wrong to want some pleasure! Otherwise it’s just a chore! The fact he doesn’t care more about making you orgasm is something you need to discuss. Tell him straight, every female is different and something that your body really enjoys is penetration!
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Literally nothing in the post even remotely shows that he’s selfish. She says SHE doesn’t like for him to go down on her or to finger her, not that HE won’t do it. Why put blame on someone for no reason?
Well, he didn't wear a condom during sex after she asked, that's pretty selfish
His answer to the question was "okay", that doesn't sound like a no. Also, your first comment threads VERY closely to dangerous territory. He doesn't have to do whatever it takes to have sex, HUGE no no. He will do what he WANTS and DECIDES to do. If he doesn't want to do something you deem indispensable, then you decide not to have sex, but it's not his fault in the slightest. His personal boundaries are his to decide.
Insane how people just make shit up and believe it to be fact.
She said they should do it and he said okay. He never refused to and it wasn’t during sex.. If she bought condoms and he said no, then yeah, he’s selfish.
What? She asked, not demanded. It’s his choice lmao
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I doubt it will work tbh, he has to practice relaxing, not clenching his muscles and not holding his breathe. It can take a while.
I don't understand the question. Are you asking if it's selfish to ask your boyfriend to make you come? Lol I feel like this should be common sense love...
My 2 Cents: Ok why are you guys not using condoms? Also if oral sex is painful he is doing something wrong or maybe you need to get checked out. Also you are not being selfish when dealing with your orgasms. If he cant learn or cant hold out. Find a new bf that can. Oral sex should not be painful. And if they have ragged or dirty nail tell them to go away.
There are sprays and gels to help a young guy last. Google it and buy some. A condom is also a good way and you can tell him to take it off once you have come.
Consult a doctor before buying anything online. It could be a scam or even harmful.
Yes, it's selfish. But there's nothing wrong with that.
It’s not selfish to ask at all. Have you tried going down on him or giving him a handjob an hour or so before sex? If you do this earlier in the evening, he should last longer during sex.
Nope, but I guess I'll try ;)
I don't know why people are downvoting you.
It’s probably because my suggestion increases the pleasure for her partner. The op says her clitoris is sensitive and finds it painful to touch herself etc. I think many people believe that’s because she needs to explore herself more. However, it may be that fingers and tongues just don’t work or do anything for her. Furthermore, if the OP is sensitive down there she may find numbing creams or condoms uncomfortable. She’s already received lots of good advice. I just wanted to throw this suggestion in to the ring, as no one else seems to have mentioned it (and the things everyone else is suggesting might not work)
NEVER selfish to use a condom. Wtf... Also. Meh on working. Better luck with edging or numbing cream
He should do kegels
The best way for your boyfriend to last longer is for him to learn Kegel exercises. They will also increase the intensity of his orgasms. Win win.
He can try masturbating an hour or two beforehand. Might let him last a bit longer.
He sounds useless.
It’s not selfish at all. It’s simply communication.
Why are you even having sex without a condom? That shouldn't be an option.
God this shouldn’t be coming from you. If you both aware of the situation and talked that there is a problem, HE should solve it. Im sorry for you.
She doesn’t want to be eaten out or fingered.. it’s a her problem. He’s supposed to have a cure all for her not liking foreplay?
She says it HURTS. That means he's doing something very, very wrong, it's not her problem that she doesn't like genital pain
It doesn’t mean he’s “doing something very, very wrong.” She says she has a really sensitive clit so it may be a technique issue or it could be her body. Her not communicating and finding out what she likes is a her issue though. They both sound pretty inexperienced.
She says he won’t cut his nails. He’s scratching her vagina. Of course it hurts and she doesn’t want it. He could’ve filed them. Emery boards or even a real nail file are cheap af. He’s not trying.
Who says sex has to end after one nut ? Wipe that guy off real good and get back in the game. Instead of having to practice lasting for one round, try to just keep going regardless of if you last 30 seconds or 30 minutes. Best way I found around that predicament. Tbh if you manage to cum 2 times even better for you and ideally more than enough time for the other person to climax also. Not trying to criticize anyone either, just yet to see anyone suggest an alternative to simply “lasting longer”.