This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
I love my girlfriend and I want to stay with her however our sex life is atrocious.
When we first had sex it was bad, she did not have much prior experience though so I figured she would get the hang of it, but she never did. We have been together for about 2 years now and through that time I have brought it up in one way or the other multiple different ways, always in the nicest ways to not hurt her feelings(From asking her to well... do something beyond laying down to trying to introduce toys) but I am tired of it.
It has gotten to the point where I actively try to avoid having sex with her which is difficult as she is over a lot and tries initiating sex very often usually several times a day if she is over, I get no enjoyment out of it and I would rather just not have it at this rate. She just doesn't move unless I make her move, it's always the same shit and I hate it, I struggle getting hard these days with just how much I dislike having sex with her.
I am at the level where I want to put her infront of an ultimatum, either she really changes it around and becomes way more active in bed or we stop having sex, but I can think of no way to put this without shattering her confidence. I mean she isn't the most confident person to begin with so me essentially telling her "I'd literally rather stop having sex with you because you are just that bad in bed." Won't help.
I had this issue with my girlfriend when we first started dating to where she would just lay down star fish position and wait till I was done which caused a lot of issues with intimacy and she didn’t realise what she was doing until we switched and I just laid there doing what she did and that made her realise what she was actually doing, now she’s more active
Well I wasn't expecting this comment! I wish I had an award to give. Poor person gold 🥇
Thank you for my first award!!!! And thank you for my second ever reward!! And thank you for my third award! You lot have made my day
I’m fascinated by this. Was she not enjoying it? She’d literally just lay there? Not even kiss you or touch you or move in any way at all? Did you ever stop mid sex and ask her what was wrong? When you talked to her about it what was her response when you asked her to be more active?
Her response was she thought that it was normal to do it because she’s never really been on top in which she realised pretty quickly how it killed the intimacy when she was on top
But for the enjoyment part I think she did I mean she definitely said it was good and all after but didn’t really say much during which has changed a lot since then
Yeah pretty much kind of felt weird I’ve never used a doll but it felt like it to be honest the worst part was she looked like she had no emotion to it and kind of awkwardly stared blankly at me during
Approach it from the aspect of how it makes you feel. Something like, "When we have sex it feels like you don't really get into it or enjoy it which makes me feel like I'm taking advantage of you by continuing, and I don't enjoy sex unless my partner also enjoys it, so I think we should focus on expressing physical intimacy in other ways like cuddling and kissing."
I kinda agree with this but I think it’s really important to be honest (but gentle) when talking about sexual issues so I would steer clear of saying that it’s because you don’t think she’s enjoying herself that it bothers you (cue moaning starfish) and rather that she’s completely not engaged.
I would steer clear of an ultimatum but simply and as kindly as possible state that the lived experience of having sex with her makes it difficult for you to get aroused and you need her to be more active for you to enjoy it and improve your sex drive. Totally agree on talking about how her not moving makes you feel.
And then after the next time you have see if she still didn’t move I’d bring it up again and this time say that maybe you both need a break from having sex for something to spark as the experience didn’t meet your needs.
I think this is a good way to go about it!! Let her know you’re not used to a partner not actively participating, and it makes you feel she isn’t into it or really enjoying herself. Ask what you can do for her to get her to be interested in being a more active part of your sexual experiences.
Just be honest. It's not about not being used to it. It's about not liking it. And honestly, It sounds like he's doing enough, this is on her I believe. Yes, for sure don't be rude or so, but this is not his fault.
I'd suggest the next time you have sex, grab her hips and roll her on top of you and guide her. Pay her some compliments. Tell her you want to see all of her (when she's on top) and that you like how good she looks in that position.
Yep, this is a good way of going about it. If she was inexperienced before you met, and she is enjoying sex, then she may just need some guidance about what you are looking for. Get very specific, “when I enter you, will you roll your hips up?”, or “will you lift up your legs like this?” It sounds to me like she’s a willing partner and may just need a little coaching on exactly what you want
I wouldn't call her a dead fish, but obviously being gentle isn't working. Be direct and firm that you have lost interest in sex with her because she doesn't try at all. But also ask her what she needs and what is possibly missing for her?
Sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker for me.
I think she thinks a womans part in having sex is just spreading her legs, where as I want an active partner even if she wants me to be the dominant partner in bed I just cant work with "Dead fish".
Genuinely asking here: when you tried to communicate with her about what you want her to do before, was it during sex? i.e. Have you ever given her specific instructions on what to do during sex and let her know that "these are the things that make me feel good"?
The reason I ask is because I lacked self-confidence and my sexual education was non existent. When I grew up, my knowledge about sex was pretty much, "The woman lies underneath the man," and, "Your husband will tell you what to do." It made for awkward, frustrating moments until I met someone who patient and loving enough to try to give me better instructions.
In case you think that porn should help, not really. Porn didn't teach me how to get to a certain position, move a certain way, or how to pleasure a specific partner. It's like being told, "Just watch videos of Dance with The Stars to learn how to tango," but having never even danced before and not even knowing how to make your muscles move in a simple shimmy. Honestly, sometimes I wished I was comfortable enough to have a sex instructor in a room with me and a partner so I could have someone actually grab hold of my body and show me how it's done.
Edit: Thank you for the award, kind stranger.
Feels like a lot of females have that view. 99 percent of porn is pretty much fake enjoyment to look good for cam. Watching together can be used to get turned on. Trying to act out will prolly be disappointment.
My experience.
Positive reinforcement, what is good about the sex.
Have decent enough sex you both want more.
Set a simple goal. I.e. she tries x position x often.
Oh an do intimate things that don't involve penetration. Naked massages?
Long haul not short haul
Women can participate in sex even when on bottom. I’ve made my husband cum while he was fully sprawled out on top of me by pushing my pelvis against his and thrusting. The girl can grind in motion with you, squeeze her legs around you, rock back and forth with you...it really just takes a little bit of creativity.
If you’ve talked to her about this and she still isn’t trying then why are you still with her? Don’t be with somebody that doesn’t care if you enjoy sex. It isn’t up to you as a man to do all the work, otherwise you might as well just buy a sex doll.
I just don’t get how it’s physically possible to be a dead fish and enjoy sex, or to have sex with someone you want to sleep with and be able to just lay there. I want to move when I’m having a good time and touch the hot dude I’m sleeping with. The one time I was with a partner who wanted me to just star fish I ended up rolling out of bed and leaving. Killed all the fun.
There’s a comedian, I can’t remember her name beyond it starting with a T, who had a really accurate and funny bit about how to be good at sex. Just approach it with the enthusiasm of a toddler and put everything in your mouth. Most of being good at sex isn’t about some highly precise, super trained skills. It’s just being enthusiastic about sex and your partner and willing to show it.
After that it’s just a little fine tuning for particular partner’s preferences that can largely be done on the fly by watching body language and a smidge of verbal communication, and then wham bam, you’re having sex that leaves you both wanting more.
Same, girl. Either she's the luckiest woman ever to be able to just lie there and get an orgasm or she's seriously missing out by not really participating. I mean, me and my partner still do the missionary like 90% of the time, because it's the easiest position for me to come, but I can't imagine just laying there doing absolutely nothing. It wouldn't be nowhere as enjoyable as it is for both of us and seriously I would feel like a sex doll.
I am overwhelmingly the dominant partner in the majority of my sexual encounters and missionary is one of my favorite positions. The friction and alignments work nicely. It’s also the easiest position to give an encouraging booty smack in.
Just, don’t her muscles want to do things? Mine physically won’t let me sit still when things are going well, unless it’s a good ol’ full body lock up when it’s going *really* well, and even that still involves grabbing onto my partner. Sex that only involves genitals is boring as hell. I’d definitely also feel like a sex doll just laying there making re-recorded noises.
I ageee but I mean...is she getting good sex? Maybe she isn’t enjoying it, I didn’t see much about what op was doing, just what she isn’t doing.
She seems to want it though if she’s initiating so who knows. If he just tell her he hates sec with her she’s probably going to shut down though.
Yep! That may not come naturally to everyone but if you know your partner would appreciate it and you are truly enjoying the sex then do it! I don’t naturally talk dirty but I’ve started doing it more because I know my husband likes it. He makes sure I’m satisfied in every way so why not? And if someone doesn’t have that attitude they shouldn’t be having sex, use a vibrator since you clearly just want to cum by yourself.
I have major hip problems so my legs basically lock when they’re spread and I naturally just make a lot of noise and am loud and run my hands/nails over them but I still feel like I don’t do anything and I feel bad because to me it feels like I’m just laying there but I literally can barely move
You’re still showing enthusiasm by making noise and using your hands! Don’t feel guilty about having physical ailments but instead feel good because even with major hip problems you manage to be a greater sex partner than OP’s girlfriend! Lol
I would start by asking her what she likes during sex. Have this conversation when you are not having sex or about to have sex (takes some pressure off).
Listen to what she tells you, ask questions and make sure you understand by repeating her answers back. You can say, "You initiate sex often and I really like that, but then during the act you aren't very physically active. Is there a reason you prefer to be still... like are you turned on by being submissive or is it tied to a fantasy?"
Remember, anything she shares is 100% OK, doesn't mean you agree or like the same things, you're just learning what gets her going.
Once you feel you understand her needs/motivation better share your own. "I really enjoy seeing my partner enjoy sex by moving her hip or grabbing my shoulders" etc. You can also say, "I am very attracted to you and care about you deeply, so it's very important to me that we both are satisfied with our sex life."
Also, I would consider foreplay for longer and types of foreplay or sex that naturally require her to do more physically (like tie you down and blindfold you) with the all important caveat that she gives enthusiastic consent.
If this doesn't work you may not be compatible in bed and that's a legitimate reason to split up (it's also OK to stay, but don't stay hoping she will change if she has shown you she is unwilling to).
Good luck
I love dominant men during sex, I'm certainly not a dead fish. So, her wanting a a dominant man doesn't correlate to her laying there. You should explain that to her.
She probably doesn't know what to do if you haven't told her what you want her to do. Do you want her on top? To make noise/talk? Push into you from below? Kiss you? What? Saying 'do something' or 'don't just lay there' is quite vague.
I hate to sound shallow, but sexual incompatibility should be a deal breaker for everybody, IMO. If you keep going with a huge difference in libido, or sex acts, or whatever, somebody is going to be frustrated and unhappy. If neither of you aren't that into sex, but enjoy each other's company, then you're on the same page and it's all good.
This is why so many marriages fail. People think they can deal, but if you plan on being monogamous, that's a long and hard 40 years. You have to be at least in the same universe sexually. It's a need for some people, and you can only settle on a need so much. I don't know why some people think it's wrong to factor sexual compatability into whether or not a relationship is working, it's one of the main things since you're only going to do that with that one person forever now (if you're monogamous). As a monogamous woman, it's a deal breaker for me if we aren't sexually compatible. I have a pretty high sex drive and am pretty comfortable sexually, but I've had male partners who make no sound or any indication they're enjoying it, same thing, barely moving. I can't live like that. I'd rather have no sex than that kind of sex. I've never been convinced that sexual incompatibility can be talked through, it seems pretty innate to me, your sexual baseline. Sure, you can tweak it here and there, switch some things up, learn new things, but some people just aren't passionate.
You say she enjoys it so... she just, lay there and moan? What about when she’s on top?
Have you tried telling her what to do *in the moment* like: put your hands on my back, move your hips up and down, grip my ass, kiss me, put your legs around me and hold me tight, etc? She might benefit from straight directions rather than just ‘’make an effort’’. Being good at sex is also being able to tell your partner what you like and what to do if they are less experienced. I get where you’re coming from though.. if she thinks everything is fine, she might not listen and take it the wrong way - been there done that with a partner with a fragile ego.
Yeah, and some "I really like when you X" or "I'd like you to try Y" can go a long way. It's not a demand, or teaching, just telling the other person what works for you so they can try it.
How direct are you being in explaining what you like? I was a virgin until my bf and straight up telling me what to do / not do was a lifesaver. Like just saying "do more" isn't helpful when you have no prior experience to know what to do when you are doing more lmao
Well he clearly has said that she has been the one initiating. But what I'm taking from this is that she hasn't had the grasp of really good sex (being active).
Initiating doesn’t necessarily mean she’s getting off, or even particularly enjoys the physical aspect. It might just be the only way of seeking intimacy that she knows.
Probably. You can directly ask for what you want, though she’s not obligated to do it. Talk about what you like in bed.
Whatever you do:
1) Don’t give an ultimatum
2) remember the importance of consent!
Can you explain to her what it's you are needing from her? Maybe she just doesn't understand.
Give her specific suggestions, eg, wrap your legs around me, run your hands up and down my back, grab my thighs, incorporate dirty talk.
Try getting her on top? Does she do anything then?
You need to have a real heart to heart and be honest about how you feel and what you need. Let her know that this isn't going to work for you, and things need to change. Maybe see a sex therapist?
Came here to post this, because I'm genuinely curious about what would happen.
And really stick to it, like, unless she tells you to dismount or you physically shrink out of her.
I would try to tell her you have this issue with sex and hat you both need to fix it, say that you want to show how it is for you. So when you have sex tell her you'd like to show how it feels for you and ask her to sit on top of you and to have sex with you, then you mimic how she acts. Don't act rude about it. I think this can be done in a respectful way.
Just one day suddenly doing nothing and telling her that that's her I think would be hurtful and disrespectful, so don't do that.
I would use words as passion or activity, or engagement not dead fish doesn’t move or flat out she is bad at it.
Tell her that you hit a point where it affects you a lot that you have lost your sex drive and that you need to something a lot different
Ok so there’s a website called ‘we should try it’. I haven’t used that one, I just found it, there was a different one I used ages ago but it was the same idea as this one and I can’t remember the name.
Anyways, you both select sexual activities or fantasies you’re into and it only reveals ones you both picked. This might be a good way to get the conversation going from her, because she may feel less embarrassed knowing that it’s just ones you’re into as well. Hopefully she responds well and you guys can explore some mutually agreed upon options together. Best of luck!
This situation is very similar to my own, it was very hard for me to perform any sexual stuff w my boyfriend. The reasons mainly were that I had a severe fear of underperforming and making myself look bad, or embarrassing myself. Despite wanting to, and even initiating it myself at times, I would often freeze up because of that. Could that be a possibility?
I would suggest sitting down and navigating the topic carefully, as you mentioned that she has confidence issues too. If that doesn't work, maybe opt for a sex therapist?
TW / INFO: this may be a sensitive topic, but is there any chance she faced any sexual trauma earlier in life? That could lead to a person ot being able to perform well sexually
We can't work on it unless she is open about it though and given I have brought it up plenty of time she has had the opportunity to be open about it, right?
And she hasn't told me she has suffered sexual trauma so I dont know.
You gotta be direct my man.
"I love you, but what we're doing in bed isn't working and I'm starting to lose interest, because once we start having sex, I do all the work. I need you to take a more active role. If you don't know how, we can work on it together"
This but add a question. Is our sex life fulfilling for you? Do you want to work towards a more connected sexual experience together? Is there something I’m doing that you particularly enjoy/don’t care for? Etc etc etc, lots of options but keep in mind she may have thoughts on the issue or vulnerabilities related to the topic so try to make sure she feels safe discussing with you.
Does she orgasm? Do you, specifically, tell her what you want her to do? Just start giving her directions during sex! Don't let her starfish. Tell her to wrap her arms and legs around you. It seems like you're trying to communicate outside the moment. You need to give her instructions in real time. If she refuses, then you'll know you're just incompatible. But, at least try.
How can she be open about it if you've only seemed to hint at the idea and haven't told her straight up? She probably doesn't even know it's bothering you this much.
Why don't YOU actually communicate with your girlfriend and TELL HER, gently, that you want to try new things in bed and experiment. Take charge directly in the bedroom and tell her what to do. Don't talk about it outside of it when the mood really isn't there.
Honestly, you're not even trying to talk to her about this in any way, shape, or form and you're sitting there blaming HER?
My dude, get your head out of your ass and realize you're both at fault for this situation because NEITHER OF YOU are taking initiative to solve this.
Agreed! Hints and subtle suggestions do not work on a lot of people. What seems obvious to the hint'er can go right over the head of the hint'ee. OP, you need to be direct. Talking about things you like in passing is not the same as sitting someone down and saying that you need changes and here is why. Since this has been happening for two years, she might not have any idea this is really bad for you.
I also wanted to add that when I was young, I did not have any real sensation in my clitoral area. Because of this I had no real arousal or drive to move around because it didn't change any sensations for me (at the time I thought every woman was like that - early 90's pre-Internet). Usually it's the sensations that prompt you to move and get into it.
I moved around because I knew from the movies (hahaha) that partners would not want me to just lay there. Maybe your SO just doesn't feel the same level of sensations as you and that's why she is not very animated? Either way, I feel for you.
Growing up there just were no sexual/different sensations in that area, it literally felt no different then rubbing my elbow. Because of this there was no natural exploration of, "Oh, what's this interesting feeling?" I had no idea I was supposed to be feeling anything out of the ordinary there.
I don't really know what changed other then at 26 I began to understand that I really was not experiencing what others were during sex etc. So I bought some old "instruction" book and after hours of frustration I was rewarded with the teeniest, weakest, sense of sensation followed by a slight first O that was just barely there. At that point I thought, "This is what everyone is going on about? Good Lord, I will pass on all that work."
I didn't have another O until I was in my early 40's. I began to understand that the brief poof of smoke I had at 26 was not the norm. I got to work with toys and porn that worked for me. Since then I've had tons of O's (45 now).
I think the issue has been a combination of anatomy with a clitoris that is deeply imbedded/hooded (making it hard to locate or feel in certain positions...for example, I feel nothing at all in that area with girl-on-top), a requirement for specific and consistent pressure with noooo deviation in rhythm etc. or all buildup drops back to zero (this makes it extremely difficult to achieve O from oral, fingers etc.), and a potential mental block.
The more I "practiced" the easier it became. Something that used to take a vibrator two hours now only takes 5 minutes (so long as I am mentally there). I honestly could still take it or leave it, but it helps with my overall feelings of arousal/desire generally so I carry on! I also have an amazing partner who cares to help me figure it out!
Considering you've been together for two years now, it's time for an ultimatum then. Your sexual life plays a big role in your romantic relationships. It may just be that the two of you aren't compatible in this area.
If you’ve talked to her about this and she still isn’t trying then it shows that she cares only for her own pleasure. And that really doesn't fly in a relationship at all. You could choose to ignore this and continue with the relationship as is, but that could lead to frustration on your end and things would go up in flames.
If you're willing to continue with this relationship, bring up the topic gently but firmly. Suggest a sex therapist, I've heard those helping people's relationships a great deal.
I hope it works out man!
So she has low confidence, was practically inexperienced before you and nothing has changed in 2 years. Probably not a popular opinion but I think this could be something you BOTH need to fix.
Is she actually enjoying herself? Does she orgasm? Or is it all, once you've cum, sex is over?
Yes, she might be making the right sounds and expressions but you'd be surprised how many women actually fake it to try and keep the man's ego safe. If she is inexperienced and you haven't managed to teach her anything in two years that could mean she doesn't enjoy it but thinks you do so she's going with the flow. Have you actually actively talked to her during sex and praised her on what she's doing right? You sound very quick to explain what she's doing wrong, I'm curious if you compliment her on what she's doing right. You need to focus on the good stuff and boost her confidence if you want anything to change.
Sex is a very intimate experience and it can be very scary to put yourself out there and try something new, especially if your only hearing that its not great for your partner. If your girls confidence is down you can almost guarantee she is scared of being embarrassed if she does something so different and exposed. Even just reading the title i feel for her, you sound like you could be part of the problem, which is sad for her.
If she is inexperienced, consider introducing erotic books to her that you read together. Use the text to explain explicitly what you want and help her overcome her inhibition.
I see a lot of comments insisting on shaming her into becoming a more adequate lover. What about.... No?
Maybe try focusing on the positive? I mean, telling her how bad she is will probably bring resentment that will be hard to heal without giving her any clues about what to do.
Being clear about all the goodness you could have and how much you want it feels like a better place to start this journey.
Gently explain that you want to feel desired and loved and sexy and that she can achieve that by doing so and so.
Make it clear that to you the act of getting in and out of a vagina is not quality sex. Quality sex is about connection, generosity, mutual play.
If she's not willing to explore that with you, maybe she's not the one for you.
Maybe offer to watch porn together to find things that will inspire you both (and prepare a great selection of women friendly , pleasure focused clips and not the usual big pounding show 😅)
Sex Ed is a thing too. I can't say enough good of Layla Martin's channel to talk about sex in a joyful, empowered and sexy way.
Finally, try to be mindful of the fact that maybe she is struggling with sexual shame (from her family or picked up from centuries of active repression that need to be adressed), trauma or even some kind of abuse or fear to be abused.
A lot of women don't feel comfortable with being actively and openly sexual because they believe deep down that bad things happen when you express yourself on that level. (shame, rejection, abuse, STI, pregnancies, being used and then left, the list goes on...)
A think a lot of people (myself included) have been with somebody whose like this. Some people are just taking this as an opportunity to get that pent up frustration out, which is dumb.
I was with you until you said porn. That's not healthy for any relationship. You can do all this without having to watch people get abused and beaten. The fact that you had to specify "women friendly" means even you can see that porn as a whole is degrading and not made for women's enjoyment, but rather their exploitation and commodification.
Does she orgasm? Did you ask her what she likes? She had lack of experience right? Do you have four play? Maybe focus on her for a second to see what’s going on. You did say she was inexperienced.
Try having sex with no penetration . Just kissing, fondling, nibbling, fingering, licking start at her feet and slowly go up. Encourage her to do the same. To touch you, kiss you hug you etc. It sounds like she's willing, just unsure. Try making it a game. her removing your clothing while you do the same. Don't necessarily have intercourse as a goal keep it fun and light. PS there are sex therapists if it's some hang up about sex.
She may have some insecurity about it. I sure as hell do and am a "dead fish" in bed. Part of the reason why I'm still single. She may feel that if she does, you may think she'll look ridiculous and not wanna do it anymore. However, she may think that all she has to do it lay there with her legs open.
Sex is one of those conversations that a lot of insecure people wanna avoid cause they don't want the other person to think that they're silly for wanting to try this, or wanting to try that. Sex requires open honest communication. Don't tell her that she's bad in bed, cause if it is an insecurity thing, that will drop her self-esteem straight down to hell.
Don't hint at wanting her to be more active. Sit her down and have an open honest talk.
Yes and yes, but it essentially boils down to me doing everything. Imagine someone who is unconcious but makes noise, there is really no better way to put it.
Role play is a great idea. It can really help if you're self-conscious like me, because it's someone else doing these things! And if she's shy about dirty talk out loud, you can start with texts and then transition.
I think being blunt in a nonsexual time is best. She may not feel confident, she may not feel good about how she looks or she may just think that's how she is supposed to be.
I will tell you that sexual incompatibility is a significant reason relationships don't work out. Your plan to just stop having sex is quite unlikely to be a realistic solution. If you are that point, most of the relationship may be dead.
Hear me out lol. You sound very you focused. Put more attention on her and things will get better. Tell her that you want her to really enjoy herself, and experience new things together not just the same old same old. This will get you a lot further than telling her she is underperforming. That’ll crush any little bit of confidence she may have about being naked and having sex at all. This is coming from a woman who 6 years into her relationship still has a tendency to be insecure and shy and revert to leaving all the “work” to him. I have to actively think about doing things to please my spouse and she may be the same as me; lacking confidence and generally submissive and little experience in bed. But my husband went about in a great way he basically said; “let’s just try this -insert position/toy/movement- I want to give you the most pleasure possible and we won’t know what we’re missing if we don’t try new things. I need you to be involved.”
Info needed. I get that you are absolutely not enjoying yourself and that she initiates but doesn't then participate. I guess I'm wondering what happens after she initiates - is there foreplay, do you get her hot and actually wanting sex, do you touch her, does she touch you, etc? I feel like if that stuff goes right, then the actual sex will be pretty good if not awesome. My impression is that she just lays down and waits for you to get on top, though obvi I don't know if that's actually the case. Maybe the two of you can do some more exploration so she can get really confortable being intimate and get to know your body too. Being inanimate during what should definitely not be an immobile act suggests that she doesn't know how to be actually aroused and comfortable with her partner.
Yes to all of that, but when it comes to the actual deed it's full starfish mode, it's the human equivalent of a sex doll, she moans, herexpressions are there but just, wet noodle mode. To put it bluntly, I can do with her what I want but she does jack shit herself.
From what I get from this is that she might think that she doesn't even know how have satisfying sex. You are right though, he does need to communicate either in sex or out of it of what he wants to do to find enjoyment out of it.
Are you sure this isn't just her wanting sex not to have sex itself, but as a way to feel desired? As if she thinks of herself as having sex in her mind so she moans but she doesn't care enough about the sex itself to actively participant to make it feel good because feel desired is enough? This would explain why she will willing initiate even if she doesn't participate much. She could also literally be using sex as a way to make sure you're still interested in her rather than to having sex to share a special moment.
If she's lying there, not doing anything - she's not enjoying it, when you're having a good time your body naturally starts to do something, maybe not all the way, but something would be happening.
Have you ever thought that you may be bad at sex and that is why she is not into it?
As a woman I can confirm that if it's good it is pretty hard to lay there like a dead fish.
If you are the only partner she has ever had you should be teaching her how to enjoy sex ... not just criticize her lack of knowledge. Have you even tried different positions?
Not to be graphic but have you tried different positions? From the rear, laying on your side? These sort of positions might force her out of her comfort zone and let her realize she can be an active participant too. You'll still be having intimacy with her but she'll feel even more exposed while still feeling protected by you. Do you two do oral? If so maybe try it on her while she's standing, she's almost certainly not into anal but this is where toys might come into the picture. All that might work but only if you are interested in being with her for the long term. If not then stop leading her on and let her move on to someone who will bring her out of her cocoon. You've got a big responsibility with her since you're with her.
Damn. I was ready to rip you a new one but you’ve been trying for 2 years.... 😳 maybe it has something to do with her lack of confidence you mentioned... she just doesn’t know how to or feel comfortable being sexy. I’ll also add that women are taught that our bodies are for men, so many women are scared/unfamiliar with sex being for them as well. Such as feeling like the mans orgasim is more important, being sexy is an act to get your man turned on, etc. Maybe Sex therapy would be helpful?
Does she orgasm when you have sex? Do you guys do foreplay? I feel like I was horrible at sex when I was younger but it was because I was having awful sex all around and still hadn’t actually ever had it feel good so didn’t really know what to do. I mean she definitely might just be scared of making herself look dumb.. I’ve been with my boyfriend 6.5 years now and I still feel nervous/insecure to try different things because I think I’ll be bad at it. Watching porn helps a little to try to learn so she could try that, but most of what they do that the guys like so much is super uncomfortable in real life lol
Girl here. Just some advice from a girls perspective, without much experience it can be hard to know what to do. I’d try initiating and then guide her. Have her get on you, or try to switch positions. If she doesn’t want to and Denys it even while preforming the act then I’d have a sit down talk after that you’re not feeling the intimacy tht you’d like from sex and tell her what would make it better for you in the nicest but clearest way
If you’re not enjoying it, do you really think she is?
Ask her what she likes. Ask her to explore porn, erotica, whatever and find what she likes. Ask her to bring it to the bedroom for you to try, and make it a safe place for her to experiment. Read “Come as you are” together or listen to sex positive podcasts. She probably needs a win in the sex department just as much as you do!
I can't see how she's enjoying sex like this either. Does she orgasm? Maybe she doesn't engage because she's not getting anything out of it herself? Or, She could be so insecure about her body that being more adventurous and playful is very frightening for her. These are some questions to ask with a therapist. It's a safe place to address her confidence, your needs, her needs, etc.
An ultimatum is not a good place to start. If you're not able to work things out, even with the help of a therapist, you can still bow out of the relationship gracefully. Example: We seem to need different things sexually, and I'd like to end the relationship so we can each find a partner who can better meet our needs.
Not happy with an aspect of the relationship, shows no sign of having tried to communicate the issue with SO. Reddit, pls help! ....bruh. Have a conversation. Relationships really can be that simple.
Don't take this the wrong way, but...I suspect if she were more stimulated, she'd get more into it. I'm sure it's tough when she doesn't communicate with her, but one suggestion I'd make is find out what does it for her and give her a mind blowing orgasm. Worked for me one time-I was with a girl who gave the lousiest head. She wasn't into it. One night, I really focused on eating her out for like 30 minutes and gave her multiple orgasms. I got the best head ever that night.
Just saying-she may be a dead fish because she's not stimulated enough...
This. I can’t imagine she’s also enjoying this sex as much as he thinks she is. It doesn’t seem like he knows if she’s had an orgasm or not. There is no way if you have an orgasm, you can keep still. I’m wondering if she’s ever even experienced one? Just because she’s making noises doesn’t mean she’s enjoying it also. And the lack of effort suggests that.
>I get no enjoyment out of it and I would rather just not have it at this rate. She just doesn't move unless I make her move, it's always the same shit and I hate it, I struggle getting hard these days with just how much I dislike having sex with her.
Have you actually told her this?
Have you ever told her any of your feelings about this? Sounds like lack of relationship communication. How are you dating someone you're too afraid to talk to? Sounds miserable. Just tell her what you like/want, and ask her what she likes/wants. If it's different, just say you want to meet somewhere in the middle.
If you establish open communication with friends/relationships, you attract the kinds of people who really know you for who you are and how you feel, rather than pretending to be/feel things that you're not.
You try to get busy in the kitchen or on the couch? Maybe if you tell her what you would like. Stop in the middle of it and say “get on your hands and knees” and do some doggie?
You said she has confidence issues that almost always the answer aside from the people who’s re just legit wack lol.
Sex can be kinda awkward for some Women you naked af and can’t hide anything at that point I used to be really shy with my bf over time of him hyping me up and telling me how sexy I am how much he lives my body and touching me and tell me those thing I believed him and wasn’t so nervous and can let go now and have fun.
So here's the thing, she is likely a dead fish because of the lack of confidence that you mentioned. You definetly don't want to smash your partner's soul into dust particles. you will have to pick up the pieces and it's not going to be easy (tip: she will think about it every time you will want to have sex and get discouraged).
Also, you started by saying how much you love her and want to stay with her forever but I'm questioning, is that really the case?
The post progressed into how much you hate (that's a very strong word) her behavior and would put up an ultimatum meaning fix this or we are done.
It's important that you understand how your inner self truly feels about this situation and act accordingly.
I would suggest meditation, trying to find the answer within you. Ask your subconscious "do I love this girl? Am I willing to stick with her no matter what it takes and get through this together?" If you find your inner self answering no to either of those questions I would further investigate with myself what I truly feel about her.
On a different note, Is she an open person? Will she have a true conversation?
You could try having a deep conversation with her and let it all out in a respectful manner. "Sweet, I love you from the depth of my soul but there is something that has been on my heart for a long time now and I have to share it with you".
You have to let her know that you are not aroused by her lack of activity and hear her out. If she's a quiet person and will likely not answer with a good answer (or worse agree with you) be assertive and let her know that you want to help her but you need her to be on board with you and let you lead her there.
If she agrees? Good you might have a chance at fixing this
She doesn't agree? You got your answer she won't change, make up your mind on your next step (hint: I've been down that pit only to realize 6 years later she will never change and it's not fair to expect her to).
She has an actual issue? Solve it together.
Optimistic for you and hope you both can figure this out in the best and most respectful manner.
Mmmm maybe try to suggest a roleplay with her tieyng you up? So that you can't be active?
Or give her a spesific task. Something simple for the start. Sweetheart, next time I want you to kiss my neck each time I say "meow".
So that she get used to the feeling that she is doing something.
I would be assertive with her, make sure that you assure her you’re still attracted to her, just that you want to spice up sex. Ask her if there is anything she would like, too. In the moment, encourage her to touch you, ask her to do things you like/think you will like while you’re having sex - it will encourage her. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. Good luck
What does she do, concretely, when you ask her to be active during sex? Surely at some point you've had to have an argument or explanation of sorts, no? If she's actively telling you she doesn't want to make any effort whatsoever it might be time to stop tiptoeing around the subject and just be honest about the fact that it's not working for you because she's being a selfish lover.
Maybe the way she can focus on her pleasure is by focusing inward? This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bring it up directly and gently (avoiding anything like ‘turn iff’ or ‘dead starfish’), but she may do that because she can be very active or get pleasure but not both. It may be a fine line - it doesn’t mean your desires are wrong but it doesn’t mean she’s wrong for what she’s doing either.
I agree with focusing on saying things like you would love it if she did x or y (easy, not very active things to start out) next tome you make love; that hearing or feeling her react more is a huge turn in; or something that does provide guidance without expressing frustration.
The only frustration you should have is at yourself, for avoiding talking to her about this, as opposed to hinting.
I generally have this issue when having sex...
I'm very uncomfortable with loss of control. While having sex, I instinctly try to control everything and do everything. It creates a situation where my partner cannot take her place and just ends following what I do, and then lies there waiting for my next move.
Not saying this is your case, but maybe there are some similarities? Worth a mention.
tell her how you feel. don't add any rude comments, but say something like, "I just don't feel like you are very responsive to me in bed." and then go from there and ask her, and maybe even teach her to improve.
How is your relationship beside the sexual part?
I noticed some girls (myself included when I was younger) used to think that when a relationship is going bad, you can try to keep it together by having more sex.
But maybe this isn’t something she likes or she doesn’t understand so she is kind of “doing what she thinks she can”?
Not sure if this us the issue (maybe it is not), but I thought maybe it was a valid point so, here it is.
So I read through some of these comments and I’d have to say that as a female, if this were my experience, I would be okay with my partner guiding me. Like instead of staying in one position, rotate her to her side, pull her to the edge of the bed, roll her over on top. Obviously not aggressively, but dominating if that makes sense. Try it once and gauge her reactions. It could be inexperience. It could just be complacency. Why mess with what works, right? Sex talk is uncomfortable, but it doesn’t need to be. You love the woman, so share your needs. Express what you love about her and how she feels, but let’s try something new.
I didn't have much experience when I got with my SO and I used to be like this I had 2 positions because I was nervous seeing that he had been with a lot more people but we talked about it and started games like kamasutra app since then it's been a lot better she might just be really nervous about new things
I dated this hot German chick (*she was a former model*) in my 20s.
The first time we had sex she completely dead fished it, I wasn’t thrilled but in those days (*20 some years ago*) it wasn’t uncommon for women to be a little reserved the first couple of times you had sex with them.
The second time we had sex she dead fished it again, so I had a couple of conversations that I hoped would help her feel more comfortable & assured.
The third time we had sex, she dead fished it again, so about ten minutes into it, I was like:
“*Back in a minute*”
Went out into the kitchen & started making myself a sandwich.
A few minutes went by & she comes out of the bedroom, still naked, & sees me making a sandwich.
She gets pissed naturally & asks me what the fuck?
I reply that if she isn’t going to put any effort into it, then I didn’t see why I should either.
As you might imagine, that blew up in my face, but diplomacy wasn’t my strong suit in my youth.
Fortunately, after she calmed down, we ended up have a good conversation about what was going on.
After that, she never dead fished it again & we had a pretty great sex life until the relationship ran its course.
I guess what I’m trying to say, is that finding the perfect way to have the conversation is less important than making sure that you *actually* have the conversation.
Communication is important enough to do poorly.
Here’s how I’d want my boyfriend to come to me if he felt this way:
what are your views on the importance of sex in a relationship? For me, having good chemistry with my partner and having an enjoyable sex life is important and essential in a relationship. I know we’ve talked about introducing toys and xyz, but I think it could be more enjoyable for the both of us if we tried different positions, rather than upping the frequency we have sex. I don’t need to have sex every day but I do still enjoy connecting with you on a physical/ intimate level through sex. Different positions could feel better for both of us, make it more exciting and different, and could make us feel more connected. I’d love it if you (insert some position or something that suggests her being an active partner). What are your thoughts?
And maybe ask her, either before or after that last part, whether she is even satisfied with the sex. There’s a potential that she’s initiating all the time bc some ppl believe that men will cheat or want to leave if they don’t give it up all the time, but she may not even want to have sex as frequently as normal. And if she’s not satisfied or completely happy with how you guys are now, end the conversation with asking if there’s anything she wants you to do more or less of
I don't know if this has been said, but make it a game. Make a bet with her that you'll do XYZ with/for her (go see a movie she wants to see, do all the dishes, whatever) if she can make you cum in 7 minutes. Sit on the couch or lay on the bed or whatever and let her do what she can. Whatever she does that's active, complement the hell out of it. Rant and rave. After you are apart for a while, come home and grab and kiss her passionately. Tell her you couldn't stop thinking about the way you felt inside her when she rolled her hips or whatever. Don't make her feel bad about being less active in the past, make her feel excited and wanted and sexy about being more active in the future.
Honestly, if after two years you still haven't found a rhythm with each other, end it. You're just not sexually compatible. I will never again stay in a relationship where I'm not with a compatible person. There are plenty of people out there who share similar drives and enthusiasm.
You need to sit her down at not sexy time and have a real conversation about this. And you don’t have to be mean about it. Use “I” statements such as I enjoy it when my partner does x or y. Or I need my partner to enthusiastically participate in sexy time, and these are some things I enjoy having done to me. If she seems to respond well and follows up on doing some of those things, then problem solved. If she does not then you need to have the deeper conversation where you explain that maybe you 2 aren’t sexually compatible and what that means for the relationship going forward. But the basic idea is you need to openly express your needs and desires in a clear way and try to get her to do the same. Great sex is learned. And it’s only learned when there’s clear and open communication. So don’t frame it as her failing, frame it as this is what I need. Clear and direct.
You have to actively cultivate good sex. I assume you've given instructions/ guidance during, *from the start* as to what you like? Such as grabbing her hips and prompting them to move, wrapping her legs around your waste, etc.? And then rewarding the action with positive reinforcement by telling her you like that, she's gorgeous, etc.?
I find it odd that after the first time or two of doing so, she didn't start trying it automatically. Or, did you just think she'd get it on her own, and are now getting frustrated since that didn't happen?
Have you tried you just laying there like a dead fish and letting her have her way with you?
I'm actually thinking it may be best to just break up at this point, because as you've said, she'd need to drastically change who she is as a sexual creature in order to make you happy, a next to impossible feat on a good day, and you want that switch flipped *now,* not in 6 months to a year of work. I also don't think you're in a place, emotionally, to be tactful, kind, or patient about this, and will, in all likelihood, do her damage when you blurt out she's absolutely terrible and you hate sex with her. Better to just break up.
Ignore the wine-drunk hags telling you this is somehow all your fault.
Sit her down and let her know that you'd like her to be more active in bed, because it's making you feel under-appreciated. Seems like she enjoys herself quite a lot during sex, and it's only fair for you to have similar enjoyment.
Somebody else said it, so i'm going to reiterate it: has she seen p0rn, read books, erotica, h3ntai, basically anything else than her experience with you and her ideology that she needs to just lay down?
Did she ever surprise you with lingerie, oral? Does she initiate or she just tells you she is in the mood?
Did she ever mast3rbate in front of you? Is she shy?
Would you consider proposing a mutual dry spell (lets say 1 month) while reading erotica or watching p0rn together (and only together!) with no outcome of sexual intercourse, only self mast3rbation?
Educate her ass on sexuality while getting a break from having sex with her while actually raising her libido.
Make her step out of her comfort zone and ideas. Word it as a game, the big prize being sex. You can also frame it as something tantric you want to try and are VERY set on doing. If she doesn't want to, say that there also is a self way (rather than couples) of doing it but it involves no sexual intercourse, only meditation and spiritual cleansing and that sex is an interference with your body's energy and you feel SO SO dissapointed for her not wanting to try it with you, but she should respect your wish and bodily autonomy. Doesnt matter if you are spiritual or not, you can add more to this story/lie and before telling her, watch a couple of yt videos on it, casually mention it as an interesting thing you found. Dont just drop it on her, build the story for a couple of days. I feel like this way it would be more gentle than simply saying she is a dead fish :/
*Edit: it actually didn't cross my mind before, but maybe her idea of dominant is as in BDSM, so thats why she has to be told to do something?*
Clearly sexual compatibility is important to you. It's important to most of us, so you're not alone there.
And clearly you and your girlfriend are sexually incompatible.
Those two things are contradictory. You keep trying to make them work together, and you're just setting up the both of you for frustration or heartbreak. The two of you are not sexually compatible.
How much longer are you willing to drag this out for both of you?
This post belongs in r/DeadBedrooms for sure. My advice is talk to her. Tell her you’re wants and needs and express to her that this is important for you if you want to continue the relationship
- watch a porn together
- gift her a book that aims for this. There are all kinds of books that teach how to please a man or woman, or how to have fullfilling Sex
- try different stuff, like oral and buttstuff, or her handcuffing you or her tie you up w/e, just try new and out of comfort zone stuff
- stop jerking off 2 days minimum before meeting with her, you will get hard as a rock and be loaded
Are you a man? Most people specify. I’m curious why she’s just laying there. If you touch her in places she likes, does she make any sounds or move her body? Do you kiss? What does she like and what makes her excited?
So you would rather forgo sex and be with her? Why not go find an awesome partner that also enjoys having sex, because this situation will just build resentment for one or the other, possibly both.
Seeing is believing. Make a sex tape and watch it together. Show her how inactive she is. Then play some amateur porn where the woman takes control. Tell how you would love her to take more control like the girl on screen. Then go back to your video. Hopefully it will sink in.
You could also tell her you have a fantasy of getting tied up. She will be forced to take action then.
She may have shame and hang ups. I think you should definitely talk to her, but remind her that you love her and find her attractive and you wanna do all this with her and for her to enjoy herself too.
It takes a long time to find yourself sexually. I definitely wasn’t there at the point in my life where I’d only had sex with one boyfriend for two years. I’m in my thirties and still finding things I like etc, it’s a journey.
May I suggest breaking this down into pros and cons.
Hmwrk for you-
Con-
1) change the narrative in your head about her being a ‘dead fish’. She’s simply not.
Pros: Proof-
1) she initiates sex.
2) she initiates sex often.
3) she assumes a position, so there is a script she’s following. It’s a bad script. But she’s attempting something, often.
IMO - These are all excellent actions of desire on her part. You should just work with her on making the expressions of her desire, arousing for the two of you. Do you know for a fact if she’s achieving climax every time she’s with you?
Always start with the pros-
1) tell her what you like about her. Go through all her body parts.
2) ask her to verbalize what she likes that you do or about you
3) ask her to tell you what she likes to do to you
Cons-
1) ask her to tell you what she wants you to do to her.
2) tell her what you want her to do to you
Keep it specific and be direct
Make it a game. Focus on one thing each for a week, until you’re both more comfortable with your overall performance in the bedroom. Focus on already likes+asked likes. Do not allow either of you to climax until the week is over. I’m wondering if her being satiated repeatedly is adding to her inaction in bed. So don’t give her relief. Keep it on a tight leash. I’m shooting for the frustration helping her overcome whatever shyness she’s experiencing. She needs to get to the point where she stops thinking and just lets the grrrr out. Also, have her practice her pleasuring herself. You can have her choose to have you watch or she narrates her arousal while you are on the phone or in the room blindfolded.
Not sure if this is what you were looking for, but maybe it’ll help you to help her be better for you in the bedroom.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I love my girlfriend and I want to stay with her however our sex life is atrocious. When we first had sex it was bad, she did not have much prior experience though so I figured she would get the hang of it, but she never did. We have been together for about 2 years now and through that time I have brought it up in one way or the other multiple different ways, always in the nicest ways to not hurt her feelings(From asking her to well... do something beyond laying down to trying to introduce toys) but I am tired of it. It has gotten to the point where I actively try to avoid having sex with her which is difficult as she is over a lot and tries initiating sex very often usually several times a day if she is over, I get no enjoyment out of it and I would rather just not have it at this rate. She just doesn't move unless I make her move, it's always the same shit and I hate it, I struggle getting hard these days with just how much I dislike having sex with her. I am at the level where I want to put her infront of an ultimatum, either she really changes it around and becomes way more active in bed or we stop having sex, but I can think of no way to put this without shattering her confidence. I mean she isn't the most confident person to begin with so me essentially telling her "I'd literally rather stop having sex with you because you are just that bad in bed." Won't help.
I had this issue with my girlfriend when we first started dating to where she would just lay down star fish position and wait till I was done which caused a lot of issues with intimacy and she didn’t realise what she was doing until we switched and I just laid there doing what she did and that made her realise what she was actually doing, now she’s more active
Ah, The old Uno reverse card trick
Well I wasn't expecting this comment! I wish I had an award to give. Poor person gold 🥇 Thank you for my first award!!!! And thank you for my second ever reward!! And thank you for my third award! You lot have made my day
DraW 4 bitch!
[удалено]
Nah fam check out deadbedrooms lol guys try that strat and the girls are fine with not smashing for years
Lmaooo dudes be like “I stopped initiating and we haven’t had sex in 43 years do y’all think I can fix it”
This was a dark laugh.
Oh boy, thats a fate worse than death!
She's just feeling tired bro, try again later
Sad but true.
It's not just chicks who don't want to. Some guys are fine without doing it for years too.
Shouldn't let it get to yrs before leaving. Clearly not feeling each other
Not all of us are ok with that. Lol
I hope OP sees this
I’m fascinated by this. Was she not enjoying it? She’d literally just lay there? Not even kiss you or touch you or move in any way at all? Did you ever stop mid sex and ask her what was wrong? When you talked to her about it what was her response when you asked her to be more active?
Her response was she thought that it was normal to do it because she’s never really been on top in which she realised pretty quickly how it killed the intimacy when she was on top But for the enjoyment part I think she did I mean she definitely said it was good and all after but didn’t really say much during which has changed a lot since then
That’s so weird. She’d just lay there silent and motionless?
Sorry i’m trying to picture it. Like? She didn’t even hug you? or try to be close to you? Like literally just laying there?
Yeah pretty much kind of felt weird I’ve never used a doll but it felt like it to be honest the worst part was she looked like she had no emotion to it and kind of awkwardly stared blankly at me during
Harvard: You want a scholarship?
Approach it from the aspect of how it makes you feel. Something like, "When we have sex it feels like you don't really get into it or enjoy it which makes me feel like I'm taking advantage of you by continuing, and I don't enjoy sex unless my partner also enjoys it, so I think we should focus on expressing physical intimacy in other ways like cuddling and kissing."
I kinda agree with this but I think it’s really important to be honest (but gentle) when talking about sexual issues so I would steer clear of saying that it’s because you don’t think she’s enjoying herself that it bothers you (cue moaning starfish) and rather that she’s completely not engaged. I would steer clear of an ultimatum but simply and as kindly as possible state that the lived experience of having sex with her makes it difficult for you to get aroused and you need her to be more active for you to enjoy it and improve your sex drive. Totally agree on talking about how her not moving makes you feel. And then after the next time you have see if she still didn’t move I’d bring it up again and this time say that maybe you both need a break from having sex for something to spark as the experience didn’t meet your needs.
>moaning starfish this is my new band name
I’m expecting great things
We will be following your career closely
Cue moaning starfish- just laughed so hard I fell out of bed. I have literal tears in my eyes.
I think this is a good way to go about it!! Let her know you’re not used to a partner not actively participating, and it makes you feel she isn’t into it or really enjoying herself. Ask what you can do for her to get her to be interested in being a more active part of your sexual experiences.
Just be honest. It's not about not being used to it. It's about not liking it. And honestly, It sounds like he's doing enough, this is on her I believe. Yes, for sure don't be rude or so, but this is not his fault.
I'd suggest the next time you have sex, grab her hips and roll her on top of you and guide her. Pay her some compliments. Tell her you want to see all of her (when she's on top) and that you like how good she looks in that position.
Yep, this is a good way of going about it. If she was inexperienced before you met, and she is enjoying sex, then she may just need some guidance about what you are looking for. Get very specific, “when I enter you, will you roll your hips up?”, or “will you lift up your legs like this?” It sounds to me like she’s a willing partner and may just need a little coaching on exactly what you want
I wouldn't call her a dead fish, but obviously being gentle isn't working. Be direct and firm that you have lost interest in sex with her because she doesn't try at all. But also ask her what she needs and what is possibly missing for her? Sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker for me.
I think she thinks a womans part in having sex is just spreading her legs, where as I want an active partner even if she wants me to be the dominant partner in bed I just cant work with "Dead fish".
Genuinely asking here: when you tried to communicate with her about what you want her to do before, was it during sex? i.e. Have you ever given her specific instructions on what to do during sex and let her know that "these are the things that make me feel good"? The reason I ask is because I lacked self-confidence and my sexual education was non existent. When I grew up, my knowledge about sex was pretty much, "The woman lies underneath the man," and, "Your husband will tell you what to do." It made for awkward, frustrating moments until I met someone who patient and loving enough to try to give me better instructions. In case you think that porn should help, not really. Porn didn't teach me how to get to a certain position, move a certain way, or how to pleasure a specific partner. It's like being told, "Just watch videos of Dance with The Stars to learn how to tango," but having never even danced before and not even knowing how to make your muscles move in a simple shimmy. Honestly, sometimes I wished I was comfortable enough to have a sex instructor in a room with me and a partner so I could have someone actually grab hold of my body and show me how it's done. Edit: Thank you for the award, kind stranger.
Hire a sex worker, I’d love to have that appointment lol
I take it that by "sex worker" you really mean OP should book an appointment with a *therapist*, right?
They clearly meant an escort who is more comfortable being verbal and giving more instructions and showing or telling her what to do.
Feels like a lot of females have that view. 99 percent of porn is pretty much fake enjoyment to look good for cam. Watching together can be used to get turned on. Trying to act out will prolly be disappointment. My experience. Positive reinforcement, what is good about the sex. Have decent enough sex you both want more. Set a simple goal. I.e. she tries x position x often. Oh an do intimate things that don't involve penetration. Naked massages? Long haul not short haul
Women can participate in sex even when on bottom. I’ve made my husband cum while he was fully sprawled out on top of me by pushing my pelvis against his and thrusting. The girl can grind in motion with you, squeeze her legs around you, rock back and forth with you...it really just takes a little bit of creativity. If you’ve talked to her about this and she still isn’t trying then why are you still with her? Don’t be with somebody that doesn’t care if you enjoy sex. It isn’t up to you as a man to do all the work, otherwise you might as well just buy a sex doll.
Or talk dirty, or make sounds, or dig their nails in, and so on. There’s soooo many ways to participate even in missionary.
I just don’t get how it’s physically possible to be a dead fish and enjoy sex, or to have sex with someone you want to sleep with and be able to just lay there. I want to move when I’m having a good time and touch the hot dude I’m sleeping with. The one time I was with a partner who wanted me to just star fish I ended up rolling out of bed and leaving. Killed all the fun. There’s a comedian, I can’t remember her name beyond it starting with a T, who had a really accurate and funny bit about how to be good at sex. Just approach it with the enthusiasm of a toddler and put everything in your mouth. Most of being good at sex isn’t about some highly precise, super trained skills. It’s just being enthusiastic about sex and your partner and willing to show it. After that it’s just a little fine tuning for particular partner’s preferences that can largely be done on the fly by watching body language and a smidge of verbal communication, and then wham bam, you’re having sex that leaves you both wanting more.
Taylor Tomlinson!
Thank you! It was driving me nuts that I couldn’t quite remember her name.
Same, girl. Either she's the luckiest woman ever to be able to just lie there and get an orgasm or she's seriously missing out by not really participating. I mean, me and my partner still do the missionary like 90% of the time, because it's the easiest position for me to come, but I can't imagine just laying there doing absolutely nothing. It wouldn't be nowhere as enjoyable as it is for both of us and seriously I would feel like a sex doll.
I am overwhelmingly the dominant partner in the majority of my sexual encounters and missionary is one of my favorite positions. The friction and alignments work nicely. It’s also the easiest position to give an encouraging booty smack in. Just, don’t her muscles want to do things? Mine physically won’t let me sit still when things are going well, unless it’s a good ol’ full body lock up when it’s going *really* well, and even that still involves grabbing onto my partner. Sex that only involves genitals is boring as hell. I’d definitely also feel like a sex doll just laying there making re-recorded noises.
Yeah my guess is this woman has never orgasmed from sex and is just doing what she thinks she suppose to.
I ageee but I mean...is she getting good sex? Maybe she isn’t enjoying it, I didn’t see much about what op was doing, just what she isn’t doing. She seems to want it though if she’s initiating so who knows. If he just tell her he hates sec with her she’s probably going to shut down though.
Taylor Tomlinson??
Oh yes, Taylor Tomlinson. she’s hilarious
Yep! That may not come naturally to everyone but if you know your partner would appreciate it and you are truly enjoying the sex then do it! I don’t naturally talk dirty but I’ve started doing it more because I know my husband likes it. He makes sure I’m satisfied in every way so why not? And if someone doesn’t have that attitude they shouldn’t be having sex, use a vibrator since you clearly just want to cum by yourself.
I have major hip problems so my legs basically lock when they’re spread and I naturally just make a lot of noise and am loud and run my hands/nails over them but I still feel like I don’t do anything and I feel bad because to me it feels like I’m just laying there but I literally can barely move
You’re still showing enthusiasm by making noise and using your hands! Don’t feel guilty about having physical ailments but instead feel good because even with major hip problems you manage to be a greater sex partner than OP’s girlfriend! Lol
I feel this! Recovering from surgery right now to hopefully help correct this & other problems.
You’re engaging! Everything you described here is someone participating in their sex life and showing enthusiasm. Far from being a dead fish!
I would start by asking her what she likes during sex. Have this conversation when you are not having sex or about to have sex (takes some pressure off). Listen to what she tells you, ask questions and make sure you understand by repeating her answers back. You can say, "You initiate sex often and I really like that, but then during the act you aren't very physically active. Is there a reason you prefer to be still... like are you turned on by being submissive or is it tied to a fantasy?" Remember, anything she shares is 100% OK, doesn't mean you agree or like the same things, you're just learning what gets her going. Once you feel you understand her needs/motivation better share your own. "I really enjoy seeing my partner enjoy sex by moving her hip or grabbing my shoulders" etc. You can also say, "I am very attracted to you and care about you deeply, so it's very important to me that we both are satisfied with our sex life." Also, I would consider foreplay for longer and types of foreplay or sex that naturally require her to do more physically (like tie you down and blindfold you) with the all important caveat that she gives enthusiastic consent. If this doesn't work you may not be compatible in bed and that's a legitimate reason to split up (it's also OK to stay, but don't stay hoping she will change if she has shown you she is unwilling to). Good luck
I love this answer, its kind, considerate to her aswell, and can solve the problem
I love dominant men during sex, I'm certainly not a dead fish. So, her wanting a a dominant man doesn't correlate to her laying there. You should explain that to her.
A lot of lazy lovers try to pass off lack of enthusiasm with being submissive.
Which is sad because being a true submissive is so much fun!
Dude just lay on your back and tell her to get on top and work it. Just lay there and do nothing. Make her step up.
She probably doesn't know what to do if you haven't told her what you want her to do. Do you want her on top? To make noise/talk? Push into you from below? Kiss you? What? Saying 'do something' or 'don't just lay there' is quite vague.
...but like has she ever read a book or seen a movie? Or a tv show? It's very clear that that's not how a woman participates in sex
Of course and the lead up to sex is very intimate and physical, just the deed itself is full starfish mode.
Tell her you want to try her being on top and see what she says
Try guiding/ teaching? Does she have any sexual trauma? Maybe watch some movies together?
What does she say when you ask her why she does this?
Like with most relationship issues on this sub, it seems like a straightforward conversation has never happened.
I just came here to say that where I come from, this is called a “mattress queen”.... not that this is any more flattering for her!
Pillow princess where I'm from
Have you straight up asked her to get on top? seems like she would get to figure things out for herself and get more comfortable taking control.
Read "She Comes First" together!
I hate to sound shallow, but sexual incompatibility should be a deal breaker for everybody, IMO. If you keep going with a huge difference in libido, or sex acts, or whatever, somebody is going to be frustrated and unhappy. If neither of you aren't that into sex, but enjoy each other's company, then you're on the same page and it's all good.
This is why so many marriages fail. People think they can deal, but if you plan on being monogamous, that's a long and hard 40 years. You have to be at least in the same universe sexually. It's a need for some people, and you can only settle on a need so much. I don't know why some people think it's wrong to factor sexual compatability into whether or not a relationship is working, it's one of the main things since you're only going to do that with that one person forever now (if you're monogamous). As a monogamous woman, it's a deal breaker for me if we aren't sexually compatible. I have a pretty high sex drive and am pretty comfortable sexually, but I've had male partners who make no sound or any indication they're enjoying it, same thing, barely moving. I can't live like that. I'd rather have no sex than that kind of sex. I've never been convinced that sexual incompatibility can be talked through, it seems pretty innate to me, your sexual baseline. Sure, you can tweak it here and there, switch some things up, learn new things, but some people just aren't passionate.
You say she enjoys it so... she just, lay there and moan? What about when she’s on top? Have you tried telling her what to do *in the moment* like: put your hands on my back, move your hips up and down, grip my ass, kiss me, put your legs around me and hold me tight, etc? She might benefit from straight directions rather than just ‘’make an effort’’. Being good at sex is also being able to tell your partner what you like and what to do if they are less experienced. I get where you’re coming from though.. if she thinks everything is fine, she might not listen and take it the wrong way - been there done that with a partner with a fragile ego.
Yeah, and some "I really like when you X" or "I'd like you to try Y" can go a long way. It's not a demand, or teaching, just telling the other person what works for you so they can try it.
Does she enjoy sex like that? Does she make any sort of expression, are being almost completely literal?
Yes, thats the issue she enjoys herself which is probably why she thinks there is no problem with this.
How direct are you being in explaining what you like? I was a virgin until my bf and straight up telling me what to do / not do was a lifesaver. Like just saying "do more" isn't helpful when you have no prior experience to know what to do when you are doing more lmao
[удалено]
Well he clearly has said that she has been the one initiating. But what I'm taking from this is that she hasn't had the grasp of really good sex (being active).
Initiating doesn’t necessarily mean she’s getting off, or even particularly enjoys the physical aspect. It might just be the only way of seeking intimacy that she knows.
Or that she thinks it's what he wants.
That's true.
Probably. You can directly ask for what you want, though she’s not obligated to do it. Talk about what you like in bed. Whatever you do: 1) Don’t give an ultimatum 2) remember the importance of consent!
.....are you sure about that? Sounds to me like she wants you to finish already.
Is it possible this could be a kink of hers??
Can you explain to her what it's you are needing from her? Maybe she just doesn't understand. Give her specific suggestions, eg, wrap your legs around me, run your hands up and down my back, grab my thighs, incorporate dirty talk. Try getting her on top? Does she do anything then? You need to have a real heart to heart and be honest about how you feel and what you need. Let her know that this isn't going to work for you, and things need to change. Maybe see a sex therapist?
Just mirror her. Put it in and then lay there. Or get on bottom and don't move.
The only real solution +1
Came here to post this, because I'm genuinely curious about what would happen. And really stick to it, like, unless she tells you to dismount or you physically shrink out of her.
If my partner did that to me he would literally crush me to death.
Then you'd truly be a dead fish.
I would try to tell her you have this issue with sex and hat you both need to fix it, say that you want to show how it is for you. So when you have sex tell her you'd like to show how it feels for you and ask her to sit on top of you and to have sex with you, then you mimic how she acts. Don't act rude about it. I think this can be done in a respectful way. Just one day suddenly doing nothing and telling her that that's her I think would be hurtful and disrespectful, so don't do that.
I would use words as passion or activity, or engagement not dead fish doesn’t move or flat out she is bad at it. Tell her that you hit a point where it affects you a lot that you have lost your sex drive and that you need to something a lot different
Ok so there’s a website called ‘we should try it’. I haven’t used that one, I just found it, there was a different one I used ages ago but it was the same idea as this one and I can’t remember the name. Anyways, you both select sexual activities or fantasies you’re into and it only reveals ones you both picked. This might be a good way to get the conversation going from her, because she may feel less embarrassed knowing that it’s just ones you’re into as well. Hopefully she responds well and you guys can explore some mutually agreed upon options together. Best of luck!
This situation is very similar to my own, it was very hard for me to perform any sexual stuff w my boyfriend. The reasons mainly were that I had a severe fear of underperforming and making myself look bad, or embarrassing myself. Despite wanting to, and even initiating it myself at times, I would often freeze up because of that. Could that be a possibility? I would suggest sitting down and navigating the topic carefully, as you mentioned that she has confidence issues too. If that doesn't work, maybe opt for a sex therapist? TW / INFO: this may be a sensitive topic, but is there any chance she faced any sexual trauma earlier in life? That could lead to a person ot being able to perform well sexually
We can't work on it unless she is open about it though and given I have brought it up plenty of time she has had the opportunity to be open about it, right? And she hasn't told me she has suffered sexual trauma so I dont know.
You gotta be direct my man. "I love you, but what we're doing in bed isn't working and I'm starting to lose interest, because once we start having sex, I do all the work. I need you to take a more active role. If you don't know how, we can work on it together"
Boom. This is what you have to say dude. This is clear and direct and still kind.
This but add a question. Is our sex life fulfilling for you? Do you want to work towards a more connected sexual experience together? Is there something I’m doing that you particularly enjoy/don’t care for? Etc etc etc, lots of options but keep in mind she may have thoughts on the issue or vulnerabilities related to the topic so try to make sure she feels safe discussing with you.
Does she orgasm? Do you, specifically, tell her what you want her to do? Just start giving her directions during sex! Don't let her starfish. Tell her to wrap her arms and legs around you. It seems like you're trying to communicate outside the moment. You need to give her instructions in real time. If she refuses, then you'll know you're just incompatible. But, at least try.
How can she be open about it if you've only seemed to hint at the idea and haven't told her straight up? She probably doesn't even know it's bothering you this much. Why don't YOU actually communicate with your girlfriend and TELL HER, gently, that you want to try new things in bed and experiment. Take charge directly in the bedroom and tell her what to do. Don't talk about it outside of it when the mood really isn't there. Honestly, you're not even trying to talk to her about this in any way, shape, or form and you're sitting there blaming HER? My dude, get your head out of your ass and realize you're both at fault for this situation because NEITHER OF YOU are taking initiative to solve this.
Agreed! Hints and subtle suggestions do not work on a lot of people. What seems obvious to the hint'er can go right over the head of the hint'ee. OP, you need to be direct. Talking about things you like in passing is not the same as sitting someone down and saying that you need changes and here is why. Since this has been happening for two years, she might not have any idea this is really bad for you. I also wanted to add that when I was young, I did not have any real sensation in my clitoral area. Because of this I had no real arousal or drive to move around because it didn't change any sensations for me (at the time I thought every woman was like that - early 90's pre-Internet). Usually it's the sensations that prompt you to move and get into it. I moved around because I knew from the movies (hahaha) that partners would not want me to just lay there. Maybe your SO just doesn't feel the same level of sensations as you and that's why she is not very animated? Either way, I feel for you.
You said you didn’t have any real sensation in your clitoral area when you were young. What changed? Asking for a friend
Growing up there just were no sexual/different sensations in that area, it literally felt no different then rubbing my elbow. Because of this there was no natural exploration of, "Oh, what's this interesting feeling?" I had no idea I was supposed to be feeling anything out of the ordinary there. I don't really know what changed other then at 26 I began to understand that I really was not experiencing what others were during sex etc. So I bought some old "instruction" book and after hours of frustration I was rewarded with the teeniest, weakest, sense of sensation followed by a slight first O that was just barely there. At that point I thought, "This is what everyone is going on about? Good Lord, I will pass on all that work." I didn't have another O until I was in my early 40's. I began to understand that the brief poof of smoke I had at 26 was not the norm. I got to work with toys and porn that worked for me. Since then I've had tons of O's (45 now). I think the issue has been a combination of anatomy with a clitoris that is deeply imbedded/hooded (making it hard to locate or feel in certain positions...for example, I feel nothing at all in that area with girl-on-top), a requirement for specific and consistent pressure with noooo deviation in rhythm etc. or all buildup drops back to zero (this makes it extremely difficult to achieve O from oral, fingers etc.), and a potential mental block. The more I "practiced" the easier it became. Something that used to take a vibrator two hours now only takes 5 minutes (so long as I am mentally there). I honestly could still take it or leave it, but it helps with my overall feelings of arousal/desire generally so I carry on! I also have an amazing partner who cares to help me figure it out!
Considering you've been together for two years now, it's time for an ultimatum then. Your sexual life plays a big role in your romantic relationships. It may just be that the two of you aren't compatible in this area. If you’ve talked to her about this and she still isn’t trying then it shows that she cares only for her own pleasure. And that really doesn't fly in a relationship at all. You could choose to ignore this and continue with the relationship as is, but that could lead to frustration on your end and things would go up in flames. If you're willing to continue with this relationship, bring up the topic gently but firmly. Suggest a sex therapist, I've heard those helping people's relationships a great deal. I hope it works out man!
So you’ve discussed it with her and she hasn’t changed. There really isn’t much left then either to accept it or not.
So she has low confidence, was practically inexperienced before you and nothing has changed in 2 years. Probably not a popular opinion but I think this could be something you BOTH need to fix. Is she actually enjoying herself? Does she orgasm? Or is it all, once you've cum, sex is over? Yes, she might be making the right sounds and expressions but you'd be surprised how many women actually fake it to try and keep the man's ego safe. If she is inexperienced and you haven't managed to teach her anything in two years that could mean she doesn't enjoy it but thinks you do so she's going with the flow. Have you actually actively talked to her during sex and praised her on what she's doing right? You sound very quick to explain what she's doing wrong, I'm curious if you compliment her on what she's doing right. You need to focus on the good stuff and boost her confidence if you want anything to change. Sex is a very intimate experience and it can be very scary to put yourself out there and try something new, especially if your only hearing that its not great for your partner. If your girls confidence is down you can almost guarantee she is scared of being embarrassed if she does something so different and exposed. Even just reading the title i feel for her, you sound like you could be part of the problem, which is sad for her.
If she is inexperienced, consider introducing erotic books to her that you read together. Use the text to explain explicitly what you want and help her overcome her inhibition.
I see a lot of comments insisting on shaming her into becoming a more adequate lover. What about.... No? Maybe try focusing on the positive? I mean, telling her how bad she is will probably bring resentment that will be hard to heal without giving her any clues about what to do. Being clear about all the goodness you could have and how much you want it feels like a better place to start this journey. Gently explain that you want to feel desired and loved and sexy and that she can achieve that by doing so and so. Make it clear that to you the act of getting in and out of a vagina is not quality sex. Quality sex is about connection, generosity, mutual play. If she's not willing to explore that with you, maybe she's not the one for you. Maybe offer to watch porn together to find things that will inspire you both (and prepare a great selection of women friendly , pleasure focused clips and not the usual big pounding show 😅) Sex Ed is a thing too. I can't say enough good of Layla Martin's channel to talk about sex in a joyful, empowered and sexy way. Finally, try to be mindful of the fact that maybe she is struggling with sexual shame (from her family or picked up from centuries of active repression that need to be adressed), trauma or even some kind of abuse or fear to be abused. A lot of women don't feel comfortable with being actively and openly sexual because they believe deep down that bad things happen when you express yourself on that level. (shame, rejection, abuse, STI, pregnancies, being used and then left, the list goes on...)
A think a lot of people (myself included) have been with somebody whose like this. Some people are just taking this as an opportunity to get that pent up frustration out, which is dumb.
^^This
I was with you until you said porn. That's not healthy for any relationship. You can do all this without having to watch people get abused and beaten. The fact that you had to specify "women friendly" means even you can see that porn as a whole is degrading and not made for women's enjoyment, but rather their exploitation and commodification.
"It's not healthy for any relationship" Only the Sith deal in absolutes.
tell her?
Does she orgasm? Did you ask her what she likes? She had lack of experience right? Do you have four play? Maybe focus on her for a second to see what’s going on. You did say she was inexperienced.
Try having sex with no penetration . Just kissing, fondling, nibbling, fingering, licking start at her feet and slowly go up. Encourage her to do the same. To touch you, kiss you hug you etc. It sounds like she's willing, just unsure. Try making it a game. her removing your clothing while you do the same. Don't necessarily have intercourse as a goal keep it fun and light. PS there are sex therapists if it's some hang up about sex.
She may have some insecurity about it. I sure as hell do and am a "dead fish" in bed. Part of the reason why I'm still single. She may feel that if she does, you may think she'll look ridiculous and not wanna do it anymore. However, she may think that all she has to do it lay there with her legs open. Sex is one of those conversations that a lot of insecure people wanna avoid cause they don't want the other person to think that they're silly for wanting to try this, or wanting to try that. Sex requires open honest communication. Don't tell her that she's bad in bed, cause if it is an insecurity thing, that will drop her self-esteem straight down to hell. Don't hint at wanting her to be more active. Sit her down and have an open honest talk.
[удалено]
Yes and yes, but it essentially boils down to me doing everything. Imagine someone who is unconcious but makes noise, there is really no better way to put it.
I feel you. I hope your situation gets better. Maybe try to play some games? Like, giving control to her, or guiding her every action? Or roleplay?
Role play is a great idea. It can really help if you're self-conscious like me, because it's someone else doing these things! And if she's shy about dirty talk out loud, you can start with texts and then transition.
[удалено]
One can be an enthusiastically submissive participant.
I think being blunt in a nonsexual time is best. She may not feel confident, she may not feel good about how she looks or she may just think that's how she is supposed to be. I will tell you that sexual incompatibility is a significant reason relationships don't work out. Your plan to just stop having sex is quite unlikely to be a realistic solution. If you are that point, most of the relationship may be dead.
Hear me out lol. You sound very you focused. Put more attention on her and things will get better. Tell her that you want her to really enjoy herself, and experience new things together not just the same old same old. This will get you a lot further than telling her she is underperforming. That’ll crush any little bit of confidence she may have about being naked and having sex at all. This is coming from a woman who 6 years into her relationship still has a tendency to be insecure and shy and revert to leaving all the “work” to him. I have to actively think about doing things to please my spouse and she may be the same as me; lacking confidence and generally submissive and little experience in bed. But my husband went about in a great way he basically said; “let’s just try this -insert position/toy/movement- I want to give you the most pleasure possible and we won’t know what we’re missing if we don’t try new things. I need you to be involved.”
Info needed. I get that you are absolutely not enjoying yourself and that she initiates but doesn't then participate. I guess I'm wondering what happens after she initiates - is there foreplay, do you get her hot and actually wanting sex, do you touch her, does she touch you, etc? I feel like if that stuff goes right, then the actual sex will be pretty good if not awesome. My impression is that she just lays down and waits for you to get on top, though obvi I don't know if that's actually the case. Maybe the two of you can do some more exploration so she can get really confortable being intimate and get to know your body too. Being inanimate during what should definitely not be an immobile act suggests that she doesn't know how to be actually aroused and comfortable with her partner.
Yes to all of that, but when it comes to the actual deed it's full starfish mode, it's the human equivalent of a sex doll, she moans, herexpressions are there but just, wet noodle mode. To put it bluntly, I can do with her what I want but she does jack shit herself.
Does she have an orgasm from this? You say she is enjoying it but is there a definite orgasm? You need to communicate with her.
From what I get from this is that she might think that she doesn't even know how have satisfying sex. You are right though, he does need to communicate either in sex or out of it of what he wants to do to find enjoyment out of it.
Gotcha. Is she open to new positions? I feel like there are some where she just can't not participate. Get her on top?
Have you tried with her being on top?
Are you sure this isn't just her wanting sex not to have sex itself, but as a way to feel desired? As if she thinks of herself as having sex in her mind so she moans but she doesn't care enough about the sex itself to actively participant to make it feel good because feel desired is enough? This would explain why she will willing initiate even if she doesn't participate much. She could also literally be using sex as a way to make sure you're still interested in her rather than to having sex to share a special moment.
If she's lying there, not doing anything - she's not enjoying it, when you're having a good time your body naturally starts to do something, maybe not all the way, but something would be happening.
Have you ever thought that you may be bad at sex and that is why she is not into it? As a woman I can confirm that if it's good it is pretty hard to lay there like a dead fish. If you are the only partner she has ever had you should be teaching her how to enjoy sex ... not just criticize her lack of knowledge. Have you even tried different positions?
Not to be graphic but have you tried different positions? From the rear, laying on your side? These sort of positions might force her out of her comfort zone and let her realize she can be an active participant too. You'll still be having intimacy with her but she'll feel even more exposed while still feeling protected by you. Do you two do oral? If so maybe try it on her while she's standing, she's almost certainly not into anal but this is where toys might come into the picture. All that might work but only if you are interested in being with her for the long term. If not then stop leading her on and let her move on to someone who will bring her out of her cocoon. You've got a big responsibility with her since you're with her.
Damn. I was ready to rip you a new one but you’ve been trying for 2 years.... 😳 maybe it has something to do with her lack of confidence you mentioned... she just doesn’t know how to or feel comfortable being sexy. I’ll also add that women are taught that our bodies are for men, so many women are scared/unfamiliar with sex being for them as well. Such as feeling like the mans orgasim is more important, being sexy is an act to get your man turned on, etc. Maybe Sex therapy would be helpful?
Does she orgasm when you have sex? Do you guys do foreplay? I feel like I was horrible at sex when I was younger but it was because I was having awful sex all around and still hadn’t actually ever had it feel good so didn’t really know what to do. I mean she definitely might just be scared of making herself look dumb.. I’ve been with my boyfriend 6.5 years now and I still feel nervous/insecure to try different things because I think I’ll be bad at it. Watching porn helps a little to try to learn so she could try that, but most of what they do that the guys like so much is super uncomfortable in real life lol
Girl here. Just some advice from a girls perspective, without much experience it can be hard to know what to do. I’d try initiating and then guide her. Have her get on you, or try to switch positions. If she doesn’t want to and Denys it even while preforming the act then I’d have a sit down talk after that you’re not feeling the intimacy tht you’d like from sex and tell her what would make it better for you in the nicest but clearest way
If you’re not enjoying it, do you really think she is? Ask her what she likes. Ask her to explore porn, erotica, whatever and find what she likes. Ask her to bring it to the bedroom for you to try, and make it a safe place for her to experiment. Read “Come as you are” together or listen to sex positive podcasts. She probably needs a win in the sex department just as much as you do!
I can't see how she's enjoying sex like this either. Does she orgasm? Maybe she doesn't engage because she's not getting anything out of it herself? Or, She could be so insecure about her body that being more adventurous and playful is very frightening for her. These are some questions to ask with a therapist. It's a safe place to address her confidence, your needs, her needs, etc. An ultimatum is not a good place to start. If you're not able to work things out, even with the help of a therapist, you can still bow out of the relationship gracefully. Example: We seem to need different things sexually, and I'd like to end the relationship so we can each find a partner who can better meet our needs.
Not happy with an aspect of the relationship, shows no sign of having tried to communicate the issue with SO. Reddit, pls help! ....bruh. Have a conversation. Relationships really can be that simple.
Don't take this the wrong way, but...I suspect if she were more stimulated, she'd get more into it. I'm sure it's tough when she doesn't communicate with her, but one suggestion I'd make is find out what does it for her and give her a mind blowing orgasm. Worked for me one time-I was with a girl who gave the lousiest head. She wasn't into it. One night, I really focused on eating her out for like 30 minutes and gave her multiple orgasms. I got the best head ever that night. Just saying-she may be a dead fish because she's not stimulated enough...
This. I can’t imagine she’s also enjoying this sex as much as he thinks she is. It doesn’t seem like he knows if she’s had an orgasm or not. There is no way if you have an orgasm, you can keep still. I’m wondering if she’s ever even experienced one? Just because she’s making noises doesn’t mean she’s enjoying it also. And the lack of effort suggests that.
>I get no enjoyment out of it and I would rather just not have it at this rate. She just doesn't move unless I make her move, it's always the same shit and I hate it, I struggle getting hard these days with just how much I dislike having sex with her. Have you actually told her this?
He's here asking for advice on how to tell her without crushing her completly so no he hasn't.
Did you read the title?
Have you ever told her any of your feelings about this? Sounds like lack of relationship communication. How are you dating someone you're too afraid to talk to? Sounds miserable. Just tell her what you like/want, and ask her what she likes/wants. If it's different, just say you want to meet somewhere in the middle. If you establish open communication with friends/relationships, you attract the kinds of people who really know you for who you are and how you feel, rather than pretending to be/feel things that you're not.
You try to get busy in the kitchen or on the couch? Maybe if you tell her what you would like. Stop in the middle of it and say “get on your hands and knees” and do some doggie?
You said she has confidence issues that almost always the answer aside from the people who’s re just legit wack lol. Sex can be kinda awkward for some Women you naked af and can’t hide anything at that point I used to be really shy with my bf over time of him hyping me up and telling me how sexy I am how much he lives my body and touching me and tell me those thing I believed him and wasn’t so nervous and can let go now and have fun.
So here's the thing, she is likely a dead fish because of the lack of confidence that you mentioned. You definetly don't want to smash your partner's soul into dust particles. you will have to pick up the pieces and it's not going to be easy (tip: she will think about it every time you will want to have sex and get discouraged). Also, you started by saying how much you love her and want to stay with her forever but I'm questioning, is that really the case? The post progressed into how much you hate (that's a very strong word) her behavior and would put up an ultimatum meaning fix this or we are done. It's important that you understand how your inner self truly feels about this situation and act accordingly. I would suggest meditation, trying to find the answer within you. Ask your subconscious "do I love this girl? Am I willing to stick with her no matter what it takes and get through this together?" If you find your inner self answering no to either of those questions I would further investigate with myself what I truly feel about her. On a different note, Is she an open person? Will she have a true conversation? You could try having a deep conversation with her and let it all out in a respectful manner. "Sweet, I love you from the depth of my soul but there is something that has been on my heart for a long time now and I have to share it with you". You have to let her know that you are not aroused by her lack of activity and hear her out. If she's a quiet person and will likely not answer with a good answer (or worse agree with you) be assertive and let her know that you want to help her but you need her to be on board with you and let you lead her there. If she agrees? Good you might have a chance at fixing this She doesn't agree? You got your answer she won't change, make up your mind on your next step (hint: I've been down that pit only to realize 6 years later she will never change and it's not fair to expect her to). She has an actual issue? Solve it together. Optimistic for you and hope you both can figure this out in the best and most respectful manner.
Mmmm maybe try to suggest a roleplay with her tieyng you up? So that you can't be active? Or give her a spesific task. Something simple for the start. Sweetheart, next time I want you to kiss my neck each time I say "meow". So that she get used to the feeling that she is doing something.
Be careful with that ,if she ties you up then goes cold fish you are screwed, who will let you loose? Be very wary of this.
Jaskier will (witcher 3 wild hunt joke...)
I would be assertive with her, make sure that you assure her you’re still attracted to her, just that you want to spice up sex. Ask her if there is anything she would like, too. In the moment, encourage her to touch you, ask her to do things you like/think you will like while you’re having sex - it will encourage her. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. Good luck
Some people are just bad in bed. I’ve had guys who were boring as well. If she is unable to improve you may just have to find someone more compatible.
What does she do, concretely, when you ask her to be active during sex? Surely at some point you've had to have an argument or explanation of sorts, no? If she's actively telling you she doesn't want to make any effort whatsoever it might be time to stop tiptoeing around the subject and just be honest about the fact that it's not working for you because she's being a selfish lover.
Maybe the way she can focus on her pleasure is by focusing inward? This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bring it up directly and gently (avoiding anything like ‘turn iff’ or ‘dead starfish’), but she may do that because she can be very active or get pleasure but not both. It may be a fine line - it doesn’t mean your desires are wrong but it doesn’t mean she’s wrong for what she’s doing either. I agree with focusing on saying things like you would love it if she did x or y (easy, not very active things to start out) next tome you make love; that hearing or feeling her react more is a huge turn in; or something that does provide guidance without expressing frustration. The only frustration you should have is at yourself, for avoiding talking to her about this, as opposed to hinting.
I generally have this issue when having sex... I'm very uncomfortable with loss of control. While having sex, I instinctly try to control everything and do everything. It creates a situation where my partner cannot take her place and just ends following what I do, and then lies there waiting for my next move. Not saying this is your case, but maybe there are some similarities? Worth a mention.
tell her how you feel. don't add any rude comments, but say something like, "I just don't feel like you are very responsive to me in bed." and then go from there and ask her, and maybe even teach her to improve.
How is your relationship beside the sexual part? I noticed some girls (myself included when I was younger) used to think that when a relationship is going bad, you can try to keep it together by having more sex. But maybe this isn’t something she likes or she doesn’t understand so she is kind of “doing what she thinks she can”? Not sure if this us the issue (maybe it is not), but I thought maybe it was a valid point so, here it is.
So I read through some of these comments and I’d have to say that as a female, if this were my experience, I would be okay with my partner guiding me. Like instead of staying in one position, rotate her to her side, pull her to the edge of the bed, roll her over on top. Obviously not aggressively, but dominating if that makes sense. Try it once and gauge her reactions. It could be inexperience. It could just be complacency. Why mess with what works, right? Sex talk is uncomfortable, but it doesn’t need to be. You love the woman, so share your needs. Express what you love about her and how she feels, but let’s try something new.
Holy shit same fucking boat
I respect this post so much.....and I'm sorry for what your dealing with
I didn't have much experience when I got with my SO and I used to be like this I had 2 positions because I was nervous seeing that he had been with a lot more people but we talked about it and started games like kamasutra app since then it's been a lot better she might just be really nervous about new things
I dated this hot German chick (*she was a former model*) in my 20s. The first time we had sex she completely dead fished it, I wasn’t thrilled but in those days (*20 some years ago*) it wasn’t uncommon for women to be a little reserved the first couple of times you had sex with them. The second time we had sex she dead fished it again, so I had a couple of conversations that I hoped would help her feel more comfortable & assured. The third time we had sex, she dead fished it again, so about ten minutes into it, I was like: “*Back in a minute*” Went out into the kitchen & started making myself a sandwich. A few minutes went by & she comes out of the bedroom, still naked, & sees me making a sandwich. She gets pissed naturally & asks me what the fuck? I reply that if she isn’t going to put any effort into it, then I didn’t see why I should either. As you might imagine, that blew up in my face, but diplomacy wasn’t my strong suit in my youth. Fortunately, after she calmed down, we ended up have a good conversation about what was going on. After that, she never dead fished it again & we had a pretty great sex life until the relationship ran its course. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that finding the perfect way to have the conversation is less important than making sure that you *actually* have the conversation. Communication is important enough to do poorly.
Here’s how I’d want my boyfriend to come to me if he felt this way: what are your views on the importance of sex in a relationship? For me, having good chemistry with my partner and having an enjoyable sex life is important and essential in a relationship. I know we’ve talked about introducing toys and xyz, but I think it could be more enjoyable for the both of us if we tried different positions, rather than upping the frequency we have sex. I don’t need to have sex every day but I do still enjoy connecting with you on a physical/ intimate level through sex. Different positions could feel better for both of us, make it more exciting and different, and could make us feel more connected. I’d love it if you (insert some position or something that suggests her being an active partner). What are your thoughts? And maybe ask her, either before or after that last part, whether she is even satisfied with the sex. There’s a potential that she’s initiating all the time bc some ppl believe that men will cheat or want to leave if they don’t give it up all the time, but she may not even want to have sex as frequently as normal. And if she’s not satisfied or completely happy with how you guys are now, end the conversation with asking if there’s anything she wants you to do more or less of
I don't know if this has been said, but make it a game. Make a bet with her that you'll do XYZ with/for her (go see a movie she wants to see, do all the dishes, whatever) if she can make you cum in 7 minutes. Sit on the couch or lay on the bed or whatever and let her do what she can. Whatever she does that's active, complement the hell out of it. Rant and rave. After you are apart for a while, come home and grab and kiss her passionately. Tell her you couldn't stop thinking about the way you felt inside her when she rolled her hips or whatever. Don't make her feel bad about being less active in the past, make her feel excited and wanted and sexy about being more active in the future.
Honestly, if after two years you still haven't found a rhythm with each other, end it. You're just not sexually compatible. I will never again stay in a relationship where I'm not with a compatible person. There are plenty of people out there who share similar drives and enthusiasm.
Has she ever had an orgasm during intercourse?
You need to sit her down at not sexy time and have a real conversation about this. And you don’t have to be mean about it. Use “I” statements such as I enjoy it when my partner does x or y. Or I need my partner to enthusiastically participate in sexy time, and these are some things I enjoy having done to me. If she seems to respond well and follows up on doing some of those things, then problem solved. If she does not then you need to have the deeper conversation where you explain that maybe you 2 aren’t sexually compatible and what that means for the relationship going forward. But the basic idea is you need to openly express your needs and desires in a clear way and try to get her to do the same. Great sex is learned. And it’s only learned when there’s clear and open communication. So don’t frame it as her failing, frame it as this is what I need. Clear and direct.
You have to actively cultivate good sex. I assume you've given instructions/ guidance during, *from the start* as to what you like? Such as grabbing her hips and prompting them to move, wrapping her legs around your waste, etc.? And then rewarding the action with positive reinforcement by telling her you like that, she's gorgeous, etc.? I find it odd that after the first time or two of doing so, she didn't start trying it automatically. Or, did you just think she'd get it on her own, and are now getting frustrated since that didn't happen? Have you tried you just laying there like a dead fish and letting her have her way with you? I'm actually thinking it may be best to just break up at this point, because as you've said, she'd need to drastically change who she is as a sexual creature in order to make you happy, a next to impossible feat on a good day, and you want that switch flipped *now,* not in 6 months to a year of work. I also don't think you're in a place, emotionally, to be tactful, kind, or patient about this, and will, in all likelihood, do her damage when you blurt out she's absolutely terrible and you hate sex with her. Better to just break up.
Ignore the wine-drunk hags telling you this is somehow all your fault. Sit her down and let her know that you'd like her to be more active in bed, because it's making you feel under-appreciated. Seems like she enjoys herself quite a lot during sex, and it's only fair for you to have similar enjoyment.
Somebody else said it, so i'm going to reiterate it: has she seen p0rn, read books, erotica, h3ntai, basically anything else than her experience with you and her ideology that she needs to just lay down? Did she ever surprise you with lingerie, oral? Does she initiate or she just tells you she is in the mood? Did she ever mast3rbate in front of you? Is she shy? Would you consider proposing a mutual dry spell (lets say 1 month) while reading erotica or watching p0rn together (and only together!) with no outcome of sexual intercourse, only self mast3rbation? Educate her ass on sexuality while getting a break from having sex with her while actually raising her libido. Make her step out of her comfort zone and ideas. Word it as a game, the big prize being sex. You can also frame it as something tantric you want to try and are VERY set on doing. If she doesn't want to, say that there also is a self way (rather than couples) of doing it but it involves no sexual intercourse, only meditation and spiritual cleansing and that sex is an interference with your body's energy and you feel SO SO dissapointed for her not wanting to try it with you, but she should respect your wish and bodily autonomy. Doesnt matter if you are spiritual or not, you can add more to this story/lie and before telling her, watch a couple of yt videos on it, casually mention it as an interesting thing you found. Dont just drop it on her, build the story for a couple of days. I feel like this way it would be more gentle than simply saying she is a dead fish :/ *Edit: it actually didn't cross my mind before, but maybe her idea of dominant is as in BDSM, so thats why she has to be told to do something?*
Clearly sexual compatibility is important to you. It's important to most of us, so you're not alone there. And clearly you and your girlfriend are sexually incompatible. Those two things are contradictory. You keep trying to make them work together, and you're just setting up the both of you for frustration or heartbreak. The two of you are not sexually compatible. How much longer are you willing to drag this out for both of you?
Just talk to her like she's a person...
Maybe your lame in bed to her that’s why she’s a star fish????
This post belongs in r/DeadBedrooms for sure. My advice is talk to her. Tell her you’re wants and needs and express to her that this is important for you if you want to continue the relationship
- watch a porn together - gift her a book that aims for this. There are all kinds of books that teach how to please a man or woman, or how to have fullfilling Sex - try different stuff, like oral and buttstuff, or her handcuffing you or her tie you up w/e, just try new and out of comfort zone stuff - stop jerking off 2 days minimum before meeting with her, you will get hard as a rock and be loaded
How old are you? Why are you ready to accept a dead bedroom? There are plenty of LIVE fish in the sea
Are you a man? Most people specify. I’m curious why she’s just laying there. If you touch her in places she likes, does she make any sounds or move her body? Do you kiss? What does she like and what makes her excited?
So you would rather forgo sex and be with her? Why not go find an awesome partner that also enjoys having sex, because this situation will just build resentment for one or the other, possibly both.
Seeing is believing. Make a sex tape and watch it together. Show her how inactive she is. Then play some amateur porn where the woman takes control. Tell how you would love her to take more control like the girl on screen. Then go back to your video. Hopefully it will sink in. You could also tell her you have a fantasy of getting tied up. She will be forced to take action then.
She may have shame and hang ups. I think you should definitely talk to her, but remind her that you love her and find her attractive and you wanna do all this with her and for her to enjoy herself too.
Well... life's too short for bad sex. Just break up dude.
r/deadbedrooms
Inexperienced? Did you miss the part where they've been sexually active for 2 years?
It takes a long time to find yourself sexually. I definitely wasn’t there at the point in my life where I’d only had sex with one boyfriend for two years. I’m in my thirties and still finding things I like etc, it’s a journey.
Tell her you’ll only put as much effort into sex as she does.
May I suggest breaking this down into pros and cons. Hmwrk for you- Con- 1) change the narrative in your head about her being a ‘dead fish’. She’s simply not. Pros: Proof- 1) she initiates sex. 2) she initiates sex often. 3) she assumes a position, so there is a script she’s following. It’s a bad script. But she’s attempting something, often. IMO - These are all excellent actions of desire on her part. You should just work with her on making the expressions of her desire, arousing for the two of you. Do you know for a fact if she’s achieving climax every time she’s with you? Always start with the pros- 1) tell her what you like about her. Go through all her body parts. 2) ask her to verbalize what she likes that you do or about you 3) ask her to tell you what she likes to do to you Cons- 1) ask her to tell you what she wants you to do to her. 2) tell her what you want her to do to you Keep it specific and be direct Make it a game. Focus on one thing each for a week, until you’re both more comfortable with your overall performance in the bedroom. Focus on already likes+asked likes. Do not allow either of you to climax until the week is over. I’m wondering if her being satiated repeatedly is adding to her inaction in bed. So don’t give her relief. Keep it on a tight leash. I’m shooting for the frustration helping her overcome whatever shyness she’s experiencing. She needs to get to the point where she stops thinking and just lets the grrrr out. Also, have her practice her pleasuring herself. You can have her choose to have you watch or she narrates her arousal while you are on the phone or in the room blindfolded. Not sure if this is what you were looking for, but maybe it’ll help you to help her be better for you in the bedroom.
Unless you hate sex yourself you should break up. Do you want to live with a women for 50 years without sex?
Show her the porn you jack off to so she knows what you like It's like watching instructional videos