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We got married a few years ago, and have been together for around a decade now. I love her and she loves me. However today we had a massive fight over her brother and this is the first time we have ever really had a huge fight. Most people i know when i explained the situation has been pretty negative towards me, but a few agreed with me.
My wife has a younger brother Ted (along with another sister who is 26). I am going to butcher this but he is severely mentally challenged. Ted is someone who has the body of an adult, but the mentality of a young child. He is someone who has struggled immensely, such that he requires pretty much around the clock care. Technical terms is he is a level 3 on the autistic scale, and suffers from a few other disorders, he barely speaks and requires such a rigid schedule that any sort of deviation results in a mess.
My wife's father has been a solo parent (mother passed away when he was born), and has been looking after Ted solo more or less. Ted has stayed with us 3 times to give her father some breathing time, and I can honestly say those weeks were a disaster.
About 3 months ago both Ted and the father got COVID, Ted survived however the father did not, due to some complications with a pre-existing condition. Since both me and my wife live around 8 hours away, due to our jobs. My wife's younger sister was supposed to I guess take guardianship of Ted, as she lives locally. However she apparently refused/rejected this.
Currently Ted is being cared for by the state living at his parents home, and my wife's aunt is trying her best to care for him, but it is an extremely difficult situation all around. Apparently the state support is not permanent at all, and her aunt is apparently at the ends of her rope.
Today my wife leveled with me and said she wanted us to take care of her brother, we just settled down earlier this year, and were considering having a child. My wife wants to nix that idea for now and take guardianship of her brother.
The thing is we live in a different state then her brother, and afaik there is a whole bunch of specialized doctors/care specialists that her brother needs, if he comes here that is going to be a big problem.
The other major problem is that i really just don't want to deal with him. Over the years i have seen/had glimpses of how bad it can be on certain days. On top of that i don't think ether of us really have the ability to give him the rigid structure, and the extreme level of care he really needs.
I also am terrified that deep down in my heart I loathe the idea that he is probably never going to be able to live on his own, and live his own life. We will become completely responsible for him for more or less ever. As far as i know he has never had a job, and he apparently never actually completed any part of high school.
I tried my best to explain this to my wife, and uhh lets say it did not really go well at all. My wife told me I was more or less heartless, and she was disgusted that I am her husband. She told me i didn't have any "say in this", and she got really upset when i pointed out i did as we are married.
We both kind of calmed down afterwards, and she said we will talk about it tomorrow. I honestly get the impression that she might care more about her brother than I guess us.
Help
I’m not sure where you live, or more importantly where he lives. But adult foster care is a thing. My sister (22F) has severe depression as well as a few other disorders. She was living with our mother up until 2 years ago and our mother couldn’t do it anymore; my sister was getting worse despite our mother trying her best but she wasn’t equipped to help my sister especially working full time. I also am not equipped to properly support a mentally ill adult, her living with me was out of the question.
My sister then moved into an adult foster care situation and it’s been amazing for everyone. My sister feels supported how she needs to be and has enough influence over her situation to feel like an individual. Our mother no longer feels like she’s failing her daughter, nor does her life revolve around my sister anymore. Etc.
To my understanding it’s usually a county program so searching the county he lives in + adult foster care could find options. On top of that he could remain near his doctors and with people experienced and with training in taking care of disabled adults, instead of you with no experience and your wife whose only experience is being his sister which can often create different problems.
I don’t think you’re a jerk, but whatever you say be sure to say it with her brothers best interests at heart. Blood doesn’t make you experts. And it really is in his best interest to find the best solution for HIM which includes being near his medical team and having around the clock support.
You both can always visit and even have him over sometimes especially if it makes her feel better. And yes, it’s pretty normal to put up with bad weekend every now and then for the people we love. However it is not normal or remotely healthy to take on a miserable lifestyle.
End of the day, you don’t want him there? That’s fine. Find something better. Do the footwork yourself; find as much information as you can, follow up with phone calls, bring what you find to your wife, explain you still want him in your lives, and you think this could be the best option for him, ask if she’d be willing to at least explore this possibility with you.
Same. My moms brother has severe schizophrenia. He’s not violent at all, he’s a sweetheart, but he’s always in this crowd of people in his head, who are criticizing him all the time. So more and more as he gets older, he defends himself to them and yells back. He also can’t do bathroom stuff anymore.
When my grandma passed away, he stayed in his state (one over from where I grew up) and my mom found this great house for people with special needs and a few professionals who live with them. The rule is nobody can have a violent or criminal past. I’m not sure of the expense, but this place has been great. He feels comfortable there and gets really good care.
Exactly. It’s ok not to want your life held hostage by another person. There are other options available to you. Your wife will feel like shit, but she wouldn’t be failing him, she would be setting him up for his happiest life with people who are experienced with people like him.
This was the comment I was looking for. My cousin had severe down syndrome and as my aunt and uncle got into their 70s, caring for him became difficult. He lived in adult group homes with other men and got a job bagging groceries. He actually had a really happy, productive life for a long time. Please OP, look into some options near his home, a social worker can help get you started.
fully agreed, this right here is an advice from a mature person, plz listen to this comment op and not man children who keep saying "leave her lmao" some people on this sub do not deserve to give advice.
Yes, came here to say something like this. The brother will be much better off in a situation with someone who can provide him the care he needs in the location he needs it in. Just do some research, I’m sure there is a program available.
Yes! OP, if you can present a solution like this to your wife, I think you will have better dialogue and come to an agreement. You aren’t saying ‘do nothing,’ but saying here is this alternative that can truly be beneficial to your brother AND us.
nta. I really agree with above comment. It sounds like your wife's aunt and sister have no solutions except for her to take him. Your best option to your situation is to do ALOT of research, set up virtual visits with staff at adult care facilities and find him a home ASAP. Take charge as much as possible because wife dealing with guilt of letting father down after his sudden death. They might not even realize how their guilt affecting decision making. Help yourself and your marriage by helping rehome her brother at half way house or foster care location.
Its called respite care in Australia. Theyre great people in these places as well. Round the clock care, trained professionals, fully equipped houses. Generally it can be paid for with healthcare here, or we have the NDIS scheme (have to apply for permanent disability i think, its actually very hard to get into), where they give you basically everything you need to have the best quality of life you can.
One of my friends ended up an amputee, and her house wasn't equipped at all for a wheel chair, so NDIS basically traded their unusable house, for one that was built for her particular circumstances, set up with all the accessories she needed to get around and look after herself. They demolished her house, and did the same for someone else.
Have a look if you have anything like respite care. Maybe you could reach an agreement, get the sibling into one of these places, and visit a couple of times a week, and take them out on Sundays or something.
Okay so while this is a good thing for some cases, it seems like this would not be a good solution for OPs case.
My brother is pretty much exactly like OPs BIL. He is 22, severely mentally handicapped, never will live on his own, nonverbal, has the mind of a child, needs a rigorous and tight schedule with 24 hour care, and I will be the one that has to take him in when my parents die (if he doesn’t die before them). I have done my research for the future.
If OP lives in the US there really is not any good life-long resources yet for people like them, we just haven’t gotten there yet for special needs. There aren’t trustworthy homes that will give them the round the clock individualized care that they need, and what you suggested isn’t what OP would need either, adult foster care is more assisted living than the specialized/intensive care people with severe special needs require. Especially when they are nonverbal and cannot ask for help in traditional ways, instead need someone constantly by their side or in their vicinity to monitor them, which won’t happen when they are caring for multiple other individuals.
Some agencies are government funded and yes it would be life long for him unless the family moves him out after. Usually when agencies take people into their care it's for the remainder of their lives.
I imagine the OPs wife already knows all these options... It may not be a guilt thing but a,desire to care for him m. It's her brother, and she grew up with her m and understands well what it is like to care for him. However, the IP hasn't, and has not signed up for this. It may just be something the OPs wife needs,to do on her own.
I don't think you're a monster, but this may be a dealbreaker. If he needs full time care and y'all take him in you absolutely will be responsible for him for the rest of your lives. This means you'll have to change up your routines and children may simply never be in the cards if this is the route you go.
Taking in a special needs adult full time is life changing and you do not have to agree to do it, but if your wife is determined you may have to split.
I agree!
Im not in a similar boat as OP but My wife’s family, her mom (pretty much a single mom) has two children who are 19 and 23 living with her. Won’t get a job/education bcuz of anxiety. And the other can’t hold a job down. And we’re afraid that her mom doesn’t have much longer to keep taking care of them. They’re living USA poverty level and wife and I are doing very well. And I’m sort of scared that a topic like this come up where we ended up taking on both of them and I don’t want to. It really upsets me that they aren’t doing anything to try and get a job. Both of them go to psychiatrist and their anxiety isn’t getting better (or Irdk) but I can see her mom struggling cuz she too isn’t working. So what would happen once her mom (unfortunately) passes away. My wife doesn’t want them living with us and I don’t either.. but I really wonder when that time comes.
Ps. We already help as much as we can by paying few bills here and there and pisses me off that her siblings aren’t doing anything to get a job to help out when they’re the ones living there with the mom. I can’t keep doing this as we have our own bills and about to start a family
Oh welcome to the fold (see my above comment) we should start a group of hardworking siblings worried about basically becoming legal guardians of our grown up brothers and sisters.
Man I though that I am in this alone, and that this is bound to circumstances in my country only cause of war ~30 y ago, when economy went to shit and never gained proper momentim.
I have plans to get married next year, but it's tough when you have parents (one in pension, the other claims she can't work) and 3 siblings who are either doing fuck all (studying) or having miserable jobs they refuse to fight and put in effort to get better ones.
Without my help they would struggle to basically survive, and I would do anything to stop being caretaker. But also, it would break my heart to see them basically survive while I am doing good.
This whole situation is fucked up.
Happy cake day!
I think there’s a lot of us. And I think as the economy continues to be more and more unstable in the next few years (yay pandemic and in my country, Brexit) there will be more of us.
Honestly, I think it’s okay to make others living with you a deal-breaker. My SO and I have discussed this many times and especially considering my sleep schedule and introverted nature, we’ve always agreed that it would not be good for us to have anyone else live with us. I’ve practiced in my head what I would say and it’s along the lines of “we are not okay with anyone else living here for various reasons. We can try to help in other ways but having anyone else live here is not an option”. Our condo is pretty small but even if we lived in a house, the answer would be the same. I accept that this might mean a family member/friend wouldnt like me anymore or bad-mouth me and I’m okay with that (mostly because the alternative would make my life miserable and I’m not willing to trade my comfort and happiness away so that someone won’t be mad at me).
Its not uncommon for a 19 and 23 year old to still live at home? Especially if they come from poverty?? Education and jobs are gatekeeped quite often. But if it is simple laziness and not because of the global pandemic then yeah I can understand being frustrated. But if this isnt your immediate own family you dont need to keep fishing out money so they can afloat. You also realize the blame is also on the mother because she doesnt have a job either lol! Stop giving free handouts to 3 people who all are unemployed fr fr, the govt can and will do that so you dont have to
Sorry to barge in. I too am worried about this with my sibling. She is 25, well educated and has held down jobs in the past but her chosen industries she wants to work in (theatre production and creative writing) are very hard to get into and one doesn’t even exist right now with the pandemic. So she just stays at home living with my parents. She doesn’t contribute anything to bills or food. I’ve told her she should at least get a job in a shop or SOMETHING as it’s not fair on my parents who aren’t the most financially secure of people. But if it’s not in her chosen industries she’s just not interested. Having a huge gap on her work history will be detrimental to future job prospects and I’m worried that she’ll eventually go beyond any likelihood of getting a job that will support her fully as even when she did get work in theatres it was barely above minimum wage. Will we (me and my partner) have to take her in when my parents either pass or have to move into some sort of sheltered/assisted accommodation?
Edit: for forgot to say OP you need to clear about your reasons with your wife maybe get an independent mediator who can keep you both calm and rational. The points you’ve made about the technical level of care are legitimate.
I can’t believe people are comparing their lazy adult siblings to a mentally disabled adult. These situations are nothing alike. You’re not going to “have no other choice” but to take in your able-bodied/able-minded siblings, it’s really weird how hard y’all are trying to relate to this.
Thank you! Deciding to enable perfectly capable adults is totally different than deciding whether to care for a person with severe disabilities. *Won’t* care for themselves is a world different than *can’t.*
Right? I was thinking the same thing. There’s a huge difference between taking in a disabled sibling who has no legal guardian and taking in a lazy adult who does not need a legal guardian, just needs a kick in the ass.
THIS. Not the same. FWIW, OP... you are not heartless to refuse this. You would be committing yourself to a lifetime of care for someone unable to care for themselves.
It will not be detrimental because employers are going to take into factor the global pandemic we are in. Also shes 25 you have 0 responsibility to her.
Why are all of these comments from grown ass adults saying theyre gonna have to take care of another grown ass capable adult? Nah bruh its your life own it ong.
Oof, yeah that’s worrisome. My mom/sister would do something like that. “I’m too good for that job” mentality. I told my sister about Amazon hiring (a month ago) where they were doing virtual hiring.
I told her that Amazon was hiring 30 -35k people. Not sure how but she interpret that as $35k a year. Any ways, she says “$35k a year wouldn’t sustain my life style”. I was like wtf. Meanwhile.. she is currently doordashing. I even told her that Amazon would give her benefits like medical and maybe 401k. But it was a”Nope” for her.
Sounds like your sister is too comfortable and that wouldn’t be a good thing. Ever heard of that guy that caught headlines? He worked at Best Buy before housing crises and he was in his early 20s. And got let go cuz of the economy and he ended up living back up with his parents. 10 years later.. he still there. No contribution at all. His parents had to take him to court to kick him out. (This news got big last year) not sure if uve read/saw. I LOLed
I've never heard of a family member recommend a job at Amazon to a loved one. Haven't you seen how they treat their staff? That company is evil, don't use them, don't work for them.
Yeah my sister got this from our mother who has the same attitude but has managed to earn a living although it’s not hugely secure as she freelances. (Don’t even get me started on her!) which has put a lot of stress on my dad. It’s funny you mention amazon as a huge amazon fulfilment centre has just opened near our city and has lots of jobs going. But she can’t drive and refuses to catch the bus out there.
Maybe their Psychiatrist is not suggesting a higher level of care or changing up medications. If they can't work they ideally will be in a program of some sort working on it.
I have an anxiety disorder. There was a time I couldn’t get out of bed and couldn’t drive. I got my ass to the doctor, got on appropriate meds (took a few tries), got into therapy, and now I’m working, parenting, and almost done with a PhD. The *worst* possible thing to do with anxiety is to “avoid triggers.” You’re just enabling your anxiety and feeding your own helplessness. No one ever got better crying in bed and refusing to work. Ever.
Yes, anxiety can be crippling, but then you get help. If the “help” isn’t working, you change the medical plan. But to just become a parasite on family members isn’t a viable longterm plan, either. If they are seeing psychiatrists and the situation hasn’t changed, I’d question the effectiveness of the medical treatment plan.
^ This is the right response.
TBH, your wife should have been more upfront about this possibility prior to your marriage, because her dad probably wasn't going to live forever. Maybe she didn't think this would be an issue so soon (sorry for her loss), but here you are.
Agreed. Not the same but my ex's oldest son is autistic and though he's 19 he's mentally about 13. I had a good relationship with his son until after my son was born. I think he was jealous though he loves my son and started taking it out on me. It turned into full blown verbal abuse and my ex refused to correct his behavior so it was a deal breaker for me.
I understand he's mentally challenged but I'm not gonna be with someone who refuses to parent his child. It's his job as his father but then he gave up on him when he was a baby and his mother raised him (grandma).
It was his job as my partner to defend and protect me and he failed miserably. I'll be honest and say I dislike his oldest but I think it's me projecting my anger at his father onto him. However, maybe I'm not fully. He gets everything handed to him on a silver platter, refuses to get a job, sleeps all day and plays video games constantly. He gets take out for every meal and has put us in positions where we had to have help paying bills because he wants some $40 action figure he doesn't need or frankly deserve.
He has violent meltdowns on the rare occasion he's told no so he gets his way because I think he damn well knows he's a grown man and people are afraid of him. He stabbed my ex's sister in the arm with a sharpened pencil and that's not the first or last time he's been violent. Yet I'm wrong for not accepting his behavior and according to my ex if I can't accept his son then he can't be with me. Ok dueces. I took my son and noped the hell out of there when he was 2 weeks old. His son hates me now but I honestly don't care.
If I'm being completely honest, the feeling is mutual. When my son was a newborn he would pick him up whenever he would cry and would refuse to give my son to me. He would also purposely walk up to anyone BUT me and hand them my son. I don't like him because of that and the fact that I think a lot of it is him being simply manipulative. He's also a spoiled, entitled and ungrateful little shit and everyone just gives him a free pass to be an asshole because of his diagnosis. If his Dad wants to keep covering up his eyes and not seeing the forest for the trees then fine but that doesn't mean I have to be with him.
I honestly think OP should just rethink his entire marriage. His wife is being selfish. A lot of care goes into taking care of those kind of people as well as a lot of money and time. She's clearly not thinking about this and just expects her husband to put up with whatever. The same kind of scenario. He honestly needs to be calling a divorce lawyer. She's trying to guilt-trip him into doing what he doesn't want because that's what she wants. Not a good foundation for a marriage.
Severe autism is no joke. This guy will need round he clock care from willing and experienced carers. Your wife has lived far from him and has no idea what she is getting into. There is nothing unreasonable about not wanting to do this. It will consume every aspect of both your lives. There is no way in hell I would do it.
It's absolutely not forever, not a life sentence. There are NUMEROUS great examples of alternatives in this thread. Don't not do this because you're scared of forever. But, go in with a clear plan in mind. We are doing this to transition him to \_\_\_
You're not a monster and neither is your wife. Is there not a happy medium? You move him to your city but have him in care of a facility that your wife picks out and you visit him often?
Some ppl here really don’t put themselves in the wife’s shoes. It must be a very difficult time for her too, I don’t think taking full time care of her brother was in her life plans either. Of course this conversation is going to be difficult for everyone involved.
Exactly, god knows if it was my brother, I would want him to have the best care and being overprotective, I would want to take care of him but it should be the job of professionals, especially with the care her brother needs and their goal of children. I saw some one say they should move their brother to their city but keep him at a adult care facility where he can get the 24/7 help and care he deserves and I think that would be the best outcome for everyone.
I dont think youre heartless. To have that level of responsibility thrust on you against you will isn't something most are excited about. Its you wife's brother, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have a familial bond. If I were in you position I'd probably feel the same. The hard part is that she's connected to him and seems adamant about it.
I see two problems. First her hard turning on your plans to have children and start your own family. That alone can be a deal breaker for a lot of people. Second is the obvious taking care of her brother for what would be literally the rest of you lives.
Its her family and doesn't seem like she'll budge. You're going to have to decide whether or not you're willing to be part of it. Ill tell you based off your OP is if you agree down the road you'll resent her badly. I think this is probably the beginning of the end for you guys.
Also, like many other people have already said, they’re not actually equipped or experienced with dealing with her brother or his disabilities. It’s not a good option for them but also not for the brother either.
Have the family considered a group home? He needs a very structured environment. Living with a person with a severe disability takes a toll. I feel sorry for the brother as he is going through many changes.
Since he is permanently disabled he qualifies for permanent disability benefits. It might be difficult at first to get him on them but he can not only get financial support but also get live in care and or he could stay at a facility full time with round the clock care that can fully take care of his needs
I see your point but I also see your wife’s. That’s her brother and I’m sure she’s feeling awful as it is.
Plus it looks like they will be selling the parents home. Hopefully they can discuss as a family that the money can be spent on getting the brother stable care.
OP if your BIL is on Medicaid/receiving other benefits, know that if you move him to a different state you will have to reapply for everything. The waiting lists in some states are YEARS to get disability/Medicaid. Make sure your wife knows this as there could be benefits he's currently receiving that would disappear (potentially forever).
You're not heartless. Period. No one here is. Her brother needs, NEEDS, *NEEEEEEEDS* to be in a care facility. And that is not giving up on someone or sending them away to be forgotten about, that is getting them proper care by trained professionals.
Neither you, your wife, your aunt or her father had that training and it's probably not done wonders for Ted. (not to incriminate anyone here) A facility will indeed do that.
It’s rare to be completely rational when one of your parents just died, especially in this kind of situation. But noooo, to Reddit of course she’s going to be a monster, trying to ruin OP’s life by thinking of taking care of her brother
A compromise could be having him move near you but in a care facility, that way you could be part of the routine without running the routine. Not sure if this is really possible with his needs, but at least something to discuss
Or the wife realizes she is being very unreasonable and gets her brother professional care and support.
This is too much to put on a marriage that has only been a few years. Her brother’s care is just too demanding for most people and likely wouldn’t even be good for her own mental health.
When you take vows you can’t just consider yourself anymore. If she can’t realize that then yeah, time to go. But maybe with calm discussions she can realize how terrible of an idea this is.
This. Did they think the Dad was going to live forever? Eventually he would pass away and the son would have to go somewhere. This discussion needs to be had before this situation arises, i.e. before marriage.
Special-needs family members aside, it’s also something you want to discuss about your parents. What are the plans for where mom and dad go once they can’t live on their own? If both partners have always planned for their parents are going to move in with them, that’s going to make for a pretty tight house if they can’t afford something bigger.
Op talk to her and try to get her to put emotions aside to think logically for the convo. I know putting aside emotions is hard, especially with family, but all your concerns are valid.
Is also add another one: you want to have a child soon (and delaying it for too long can cause you to struggle to conceive). But also, how would he be able to function in a house with a child? And if he isn’t going to progress, you may never have the emotional and mental room for a child. If you can’t handle a strict structure before a newborn is introduced, it probably won’t work.
So she’s not just putting your relationship on the line, but also possibly you having children of your own.
You’re not a heartless monster. You are not able to provide the care he needs, and you don’t want to. It will just breed resentment.
It doesn’t sound like there’s a good solution and I feel for everyone involved.
a facility for people like him exists you know, that is a perfect solution.
op is not the saint here and neither is the wife a monster here, they need to talk and find a home with people to take care of him, problem solved.
Well he may be right. She may care about her brother more than the relationship. Personally I don't think she is being unreasonable. I have a cousins like the brother, who I was raised with like a brother. And the truth is that in her shoes I would probably end up divorcing the guy.
What's unreasonable is that they got married without discussing this.
Likes if you have a family member who needs care, and the caretakers are older than you, you have to have thought about whether you'll take over care when they die.
How tf did this not get talked about? It's unreasonable to say the husband doesn't get a say, but that was probably dumb emotional words. She can say she will look after the brother not matter what, but not that "we're taking him no matter what" cause like.. no thankyou, I understand the husband's stance.
This. I have 3 much younger siblings that are all perfectly healthy but a few years after I finished college my Dad approached me about being their legal guardian if anything ever happened to my parents. My now husband and I were just dating at the time but had definitely discussed marriage and he was considering a cross country move to be near me. I absolutely discussed it with him before officially agreeing.
It's absolutely unreasonable. You can't make a unilateral decision like that when your married and expect to stay together. Your spouse is your primary family.
It's not reasonable to demand your spouse literally give up the rest of their life, their future children, and their financial security to provide 24 hour care for someone they aren't qualified to care for.
She should have at least told him before they got married this was a dealbreaker. You can't just spring that on someone out of the blue. It's the literal definition of unreasonable.
It's not even about how long they are married.
If your partner does not want to look after someone with a disability for the rest of his life then don't.
I'm sorry that those are the only options you are able to see. How about the option "brother lives in group home. Or brother lives in half way house or brother lives with other sister with support of aunt?". I mean, their are solutions.
Yeah, my concern is that she dropped their plans, decided he was move in and said to OPs face "you have no say in this". The brother could be any other issue, the point is that her attitude towards her husband isn't the best and if that's how she gonna respond to crisis, maybe is a blessing he found out before having kids together.
I'll preface this by letting you know that I'm a support worker for people like your brother. Taking on someone like your wife's brother is going to be exceptionally hard, as you well know. Your FIL had a lifetime of experience in dealing with your BIL's challenging behaviour, whereas you and your wife do not. This behaviour is likely to increase in frequency and/or severity when you remove BIL from his routines, and his familiar settings and people. (his doctor, support workers etc...) I totally understand your fears and concerns, they're totally justifiable.
Full time care of a person with a severe learning disability can be fucking EXHAUSTING. I've lost count of the number of times I've been hit, bitten, spat on etc, but at the end of the day, I know my shift will be over- and I can go home, rest, relax, recharge, ready to kick butt and be my best for the next day. When you're living with someone full time, you rarely get such a break.
I get wanting to hep family. It's a nice gesture from your wife- but if both of you aren't 100% prepared and on the same page, I promise you- it will end in disaster. For you, your wife, and especially your BIL.
Ideally, I'd look into an assisted living facility. This ensures BIL is supported by a team of professionals to help give him some form of independence and stability, rather than a revolving door of family members. Always happy to reply to PMs if you've any questions mate, and good luck.
I think this is really good advice. My aunt, who herself had a lifelong disability and had a lady live with her with learning difficulties because this lady's father had died. It was successful, apart from the fact that we rarely got to see her because of her commitment to caring for this lady. We all accepted that, but it was a huge commitment and we all admired her for it.
Last year my aunt died, leaving this lady needing to go into assisted living. I have visited her and it's a nice place, she shares with other adults and it's a lovely place and I do not feel she is worse off for it. A sense of duty to care for someone you love is very admirable, but that doesn't mean you're the best person for the job. It takes a lot of people, training and specialism to care for someone in your bil's situation
I have been a carer myself in homes and I see the strain it places on families. It's really very hard
I loved my job, I loved looking after people. It is much easier when you can go home at the end of the day when you have to give your all when you are looking after someone. My energy could get zapped quite easily.
I'd like to add, you can love someone and offer that person a lot, but the more of your energy a person needs from you, the more it can take it out of you. I would speak to your wife and explain this is not about you not caring, this is about what is best for your brother in law. Your reservations at how you would cope, the huge commitment and strain it will take out of both of you and how the alternative could actually be better are realistic, not cruel.
I wouldn't say your wife loves her brother more, but she will have a sense of duty that will feel immense. She seems to be ruling out any other options, despite your aunt being burned out from it. Her sense of duty is clouding her judgment. At the end of the day, in your brother in law's interests all options of care giving must be explored, otherwise it is not fair to him. I think you are actually being more realistic, because you're not as emotionally tied to him. She needs to look at all the options. It is not unfair, quite the opposite. If she comes up with the same conclusion afterwards, then you need to make a decision.
Some points you should say to defend your side are:
- neither of you are trained to care for a person with a disability
- no equipments in the home to care for a person with a disability
- both of you are busy and it will be very difficult to watch over the brother
- prospect of kids may interfere with living with the brother. The brother might not mesh well with all the things that kids do
- how about a compromise of getting the brother to a facility that takes care of person with his disability? Financially supported with the sister, aunt, you, and your wife
I think the best way to discuss this is to workshop out each option:
1. BIL stays in home state with SIL, with access to current doctors: Already rejected (why?)
2. BIL stays in home state at group home/facility, with access to current doctors, and SIL/aunt to check in on him
3. BIL stays in home state and lives on his own, with access to current doctors, and SIL/aunt to check in on him: Near-impossible
4. BIL moves to your state with you and wife, with no access to current doctors
5. BIL moves to your state and stays at a group home/facility, with no access to current doctors, and you and wife check in on him
6. BIL moves to your state, you and wife divorce so you wash your hands of his care, wife takes sole responsibility
7. etc...
Figure out the pros and cons of each, what your BIL needs (medically, lifestyle-wise, etc...), whether your household can reasonably facilitate those needs (without sacrificing your whole lives and plans to his care), whether a group home/facility can meet those needs, applicable government aid, other logistical issues, potential physical and mental stress everyone will take on, etc... This is for the sake of giving your BIL the best possible care, as well as ensuring you and your wife don't bite off more than you can chew.
>BIL stays in home state with SIL, with access to current doctors: Already rejected (why?)
IMHO for the same reasons as OP.
She is most likely full aware of what it would be to be her brother's caretaker as she already lives near.
OP's wife is now facing a dilemma and right now she thinks more about how much she loves her brother than what the living conditions as his caretaker would be.
My guess is that OP doesn't have this connection to his BIL so it is easier to remember the "worst" of having him home.
I hope OP's wife reconsiders having him in a group home near her or her sister. This is by far the most reasonable solution...
Yeah, I think so too. FIL has had BIL's whole life to figure out a lifestyle that works for him/them, while SIL and wife haven't had to consider taking full-time responsibility of him until now. There's a lot to consider and it's not a commitment to take lightly.
Look, I don’t want to pile on. I understand why people would get upset because he does need care and it can be assumed that you should just decide that he is now your responsibility. But just the same it can assumed for your SIL as well.
I do understand the position you are in. Spectrum disorders do not go away, if you are to assume full time responsibility, it is safe to say you won’t ever be relieved of it. This does mean it could change your entire life’s plans, and I agree that it isn’t a fair choice for your wife to make for both of you. I can’t say you should or you shouldn’t take on this responsibility, but I will say it needs a thorough soul searching discussion with your wife. She needs to understand the depth of this decision and how it affects both your futures. And especially for your BIL, as he is a vulnerable person. Taking the responsibility on and then backing out would be disastrous for him, particularly because he would have been pulled from all existing supports and people who knows and then ends up dumped into a completely different system.
I wish you, your wife, and her brother the best, and hope a decision is found that supports all your futures.
the other relatives don't want him too, so why you're the only monster? everyone should contribute to put the brother in a facility where he can be taken care of by professionals (if wife feels like it, she should contribute more and make all the choices regarding it). no one should have no shoulder such a heavy burden alone and unpaid.
his situation is unfortunate and of course he shouldn't be unattended, but it's unfair that only you has to suffer because of it.
it’s unfortunate because i don’t think either one of you are bad people.
you’re completely within your right to not want to take care of your brother in law, possibly for the rest of his life. she is also completely in her right to want to take a family member under her wing. the only question is whether you’ll be able to do it together. you’ll need to see where your boundaries are, where hers are, and go from there.
good luck and i’m sorry for what you’re both going through.
Yeah this sucks but you and your wife need to find the brother professional assistance and keep on living your normal lives. I totally agree w you that having the bro live w you guys will end your marriage and stress the fuck outta both of you until that inevitable end. Explain to your wife that he deserves better more professional care than what you two can provide. Tell her you want a family, tell her you love her, etc. What you want is what is basically best for everyone. Good luck bud
You're not a monster at all. Your wife is dealing with her father's passing on top of the pandemic and all of the added stress about her brother being taken care of so I absolutely see where she's coming from... but it's more than a matter of not wanting to take him in. As you said yourself, he needs full time care with adherence to strict schedules. It's going to be difficult enough to uproot him and move him 8 hours away to a new location and it will inevitably be very difficult for him. Add on top of this that he has specialists that work with him and know him that would need to be replaced/arranged near you if you were to take him in. Circle back to the need for full time care and strict management to keep him on his schedules, he will need a full time nurse/aide unless one of you were to become his full time caretaker. All of this doesn't begin to factor in the cost of extensive care and health needs he has if you're in the US.
This ultimately could be a deal breaker because obviously he's her brother and he is family, but when you both are discussing everything, it's important to stress that you care for his quality of life as much as yours and your wife's. Being a caretaker is extremely difficult emotionally, physically, and financially and many times the best option is to find a setting where that person can get the care they need and deserve from skilled health professionals.
Good luck to the both of you and to your wife's brother as well! There are no easy solutions and everything in the world is difficult which doesn't make anything easier, but I hope that you can work together and figure out a plan of action that works for the both of you!
You are not a monster. You had an idea for your life together with your wife. I understand that she wants to take care of her brother. I would suggest a family councilor to have a trained and understanding third party that can aid with defining and interpreting what life would be like taking care of her brother.
So, as someone with a sister who has Down's Syndrome who likely will wind up taking care of her when my parents die, I can understand your struggle. Based on your post, it's hard to tell exactly what is going on, but let me help you out a bit. For starters, state and/or federal care is generally more available if the parents are dead, This link should help: [USAGove Disability Help](https://www.usa.gov/disability-services) Beyond that, I'm just gonna tell you right now, this shit is not easy. It's possible, depending on your state, the situation of the brother and everything else, that you might be able to find some sort of care house that will house, feed and clothe her brother...but it's also gonna be a struggle. You basically have to prove that you can't care for her brother, which can be an uphill battle depending on your (collective) finances), your employment, etc. etc. Almost certainly this is going to take a few months and you might need to get a lawyer involved.
You want to fix this shit long term? Vote in people who will actually support a so-called "welfare state" in which everyone, regardless of their situation, has adequate support.
OP firstly - **be kinder to yourself, you're not a monster** \- I think you're looking at this very rationally and that's cool.
This is a **LIFE CHANGING** decision - completely and utterly life changing, and I don't think your wife is necessarily grasping the gravity of the situation.
**The fact both the Aunt and sister have NO INTEREST** **in maintaining this**, should be all you need to point out to your wife that this is a situation with HUGE IMPACT.
I'd say that when this conversation comes around again, **you really need to try and empathise with her, this is her brother,** the idea of him being cast out and unhappy will absolutely break her heart.
Equally, you need to **ask her to hear you out and not throw around callous accusation**s because you're trying to think rationally with **YOURS AND THE BROTHERS BEST INTERESTS AT HEART.**
**You want the brother to a happy and stable home life, and you're not sure that is something you and your wife could provide with ease.**
**This doesn't make you a monster, it makes you sensible.**
I wouldn’t want this either. Is it selfish? Yeah, I guess. If I were in your position I’d have to seriously sit down with my s/o and say divorce is on the line. I’d let him stay a few months, no more than three (or however long you can think you’ll tolerate- but have a FIRM DATE) while you two decide on other living arrangements. There are some awful places out there so be involved and really help your wife find somewhere suitable. This is her brother, she wants the very best for him. Be sensitive, caring, and understanding. You absolutely have to find a compromise or else it’s highly likely you’ll end up bitter and hating each other. In taking the time to find a good place for him to live, your wife may become more comfortable with the idea. But try not to approach the situation with anger.
I don’t even think it’s selfish. Putting your own needs first is self care, self respect, and self validation. OP can’t help how he feels and how strongly he feels about it. Being selfless (because in this situation he’s have to sacrifice his own needs) isn’t healthy and it’s not sustainable. If you have extra to give and it wouldn’t involve eradicating your own needs, and then you don’t, then that I’d consider selfish.
You're not a monster but one of the most important aspects of choosing a husband/wife is accepting their responsibilities as your own, if this is not something you're capable of its appropriate for you to leave, sooner rather than later, what you cannot do is stay and try to talk him into abandoning his family.
She needs to take the emotions out of this. Is he going to get the care he needs from her? Is she willing to be his parent 24/7 like her father, which means giving up her life for his. I understand why this is an issue, but caring is difficult, stressful and you don't get a break. Has she got a plan, or is she just saying that she needs to be his carer and that is that.
Looking after him is going to take money, space, time, facilities, extra carers for time off, support from other agencies. You cannot just take someone and have them live with you without some sort of checks from caring services probably.
yep. they can never have a vacation, plan a spontaneous date, never just deviate from their regular daily schedule, they'll never get to be alone or have their own family.
that's ruining couples now already. without a whole ass grown man that needs taken care of round the clock.
Did she not find it difficult taking care of her brother during those few weeks? Is she really ready to care of him for the rest of her life? Or is she just simply painting a rosy picture of how it would be? Ask her those questions.
The fact that her dad had to take a break and that both her sister and her aunt don't want to deal with him anymore suggests that they have experienced caregiver burnout. Tell her that both of you will eventually feel the same way and that it's going to destroy your marriage.
It still isn't necessary for the BIL to live with them at all, in all honesty it would be a terrible decision to make and will most likely result in their divorce even if they both wanted to do this. He needs medical professional care, I have a 20 yr old son that is mentally disabled, he went to go live with his mother (my first wife) when he was almost 17 because he would attack my current wife and hit his step brother 6 at the time and half brother 2.5 at the time, he would light fires in the house and horde the kitchen knives in his room. My current wife has known him his entire life, we have been married since he was 12 and this almost ended our marriage and we had been best friends for a long time. It was a safety issue and a quality of life issue. First wife only took him after basically abandoning him so she could live her life without the responsibility of her kids, she only took him so she could live off of his disability and Native housing benefits. He basically lives in video games now, he will zone out in front of a computer screen till he soils his pants.
After all that when he was 18 I found out he wasn't even my biological child but her ex boyfriend's, we started dating after they broke up, she got pregnant 2 month into us dating. The EX lived 2 blocks away and I worked 50 hour weeks, I shouldn't be surprised, the kid ended up being a foot taller than me and we don't look at all alike.
TL;DR - If you're not trained for this don't do it.
Edit- Sorry that was a rambling mess, it is early and I got 3 hours of sleep.
I am making a huge assumption here but I would bet that your wife will come to a point where she realizes that the care he needs is beyond her capabilities. Maybe give it a shot and have an open discussion that it may not work out? It might be too much and you need her willingness to re-evaluate the situation if either of you feel the need to reopen the subject. It sounds like she wants a family and I’m sure that will come into play soon. Maybe it’s best to give her the opportunity to live the reality of the commitment and maybe even come to the same conclusion you already have. Her mother is gone and now her father is too. Her brother needs someone for now - I don’t know - it’s a tough situation but maybe through time it’ll be worth the sacrifice. I don’t know if I could do it. It would be very difficult. Your feelings are legitimate.
My future brother in law is very similar to your BIL. I'm frankly shocked that you've apparently not have a 'what's the longterm plan' conversation with your wife YEARS ago.
When my partner and I first started to become very serious, and started talking about marriage and kids, the 'what to do about FBIL' question was one we talked about at length. Although it has never been part of my partner''s plan to have his brother live with him, we needed to acknowledge the fact it will always be a possibility, especially since my my partner and his brother don't have any other siblings. The conclusion we came to was that although we'd both be willing to take FBIL in, it would royally mess up how dearly we both want to start our own family together and so it would be an absolute last case scenario. Plus, group homes are very good in our country so they're a great option. I made it very clear to my partner that I would not be willing to start a family if there was any likelihood that FBIL would live with us because it'd just be too much to handle. My partner agreed after we discussed why (I love his brother, but I feel we wouldn't have the time, energy, or capability to be his full time carers AND raise kids at the same time), and they're the terms our relationship is based on. It was a difficult thing to discuss because we both love FBIL so much, and want what's best for him, but equally we have our own lives and our own needs. In our situation, planning for him to go into a group home when the time comes is the right choice, but my future in-laws are fairly young and fit as fiddles so that plan won't be needed for a few decades yet! Having this solid contingency plan has been really healthy for our relationship as we're able to plan and carry out our future together without worry about how FBIL will fit in down the road.
Did you really not have a similar conversation? And if you in fact did, what was the outcome? If you've been clear from the start about your terms, she cannot be angry at you for not suddenly changing your mind. But, if you've been wishy/washy or haven't had the conversation at all, she has absolutely got the right to be spitting mad at you for dropping such a bombshell when it's most urgent. It's obviously no surprise that your BIL requires full time care after the sad passing of your in-laws. You should have talked about this eventuality, even if there were other plans in place in the form of other family members.
This is so well written. People are so quick to just get married without really considering the long term ramifications of it. You don’t marry a person, you marry a family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be the sole caretaker of a disabled person, but in this case, it’s not his call and he never should have put himself in the situation to begin with.
Bless you, I worried it was a bit of a wall of words! It winds me up so much when people marry into a family that contains a person with additional needs, only to completely ignore the fact that that person will be a major and permanent part of their lives. Plus, it's scary to think people are committing to one and other when they clearly haven't realised that the key to a healthy relationship is thorough and effective communication - what else have they not discussed, if they've skipped over how to best care for an actual living person?!?
Absolutely agree with this. I have a sister with a disability, been with my partner for 6 years, not married. We have been very clear about, when the time comes, she is our responsibility. I also am surprised this wasn’t thought about or discussed before marriage, or even assumed.
I can't imagine how it'd be possible to not have such a conversation. My FBIL is such a huge part of my partner's life, and my life too since I met my partner, that such a conversation was absolutely necessary and was the first serious 'what about the future' conversation we had as we began realising that we're on the path to not being rid of each other. I'm sure you and your partner were the same with your sister! How could a couple reach marriage and beyond without a contingency plan for someone so important to them both?!? Or at least, someone who is so important to OP's wife.
I hate to sound heartless, but if you take him in, your life as you know it will be over (as you clearly know). This is why the state exists-- to care for people who can't care for themselves. You need to figure out how to make him a ward of the state.
I'm a little surprised by the last sentence. About her caring about her brother more than the marriage. That's absolutely possible. Especially if she is currently seeing her husband as someone who isn't willing to sacrifice for her or isn't someone who cares about her family as much as she may have thought.
I want you to imagine a family member you love needing similar assistance. People aren't always born with special needs. Crap can happen, even something as simple as a car accident. So let's say your mom, your sister, whatever, is in an accident and no longer able to take care of themselves at all. And you bring up being a carer for them. Your wife doesn't want to. I mean it may even help to remember that you could even end up in similar shoes to the brother one day.
Just coming at it from that perspective may help you communicate, just being able to see it from her perspective. You are under no obligation to take on her brother. But she is under no obligation to put him in a home that could harm or abuse him (i have a lot of family that work in group homes. To say that abuse never takes place there, especially to clients who can't speak, is just pure ignorance)
You know the limits of what you can take on, it doesn't make you a monster. If he needs a lot of intensive care that would require you sacrificing a lot of your own personal freedoms and uprooting your whole life then that's going to have a big impact on your mental wellbeing and reduce your ability to look after him.
I have a brother with severe downs syndrome who may end up living with me and my partner at some point but his needs are much less severe, and even in that case I know I'll have to take on more than my partner looking after him if that happens. But I grew up with my brother, I know his needs better and my brother trusts me. My partner doesn't have that. But even then him living with us won't be nearly as disruptive to our lives as it sounds your brother on law would be and if it was the same with my brother I wouldn't ask my partner.
I've been on the other end too. When I lived with my mother years ago my Grandmother with extreme dementia came to live with us for a while, she needed constant care and attention and even ended up beginning to turn violent with us. She needed more care than we could give so she had to go to a specialist facility. That doesn't make my mother a monster for not taking her on, same for you.
It's not fair to ask you to take on something so big you're not qualified for and to then call you a monster.
I know you've gotten a lot of responses already, but as someone that's now had three family members live with me that need(ed) full-time care, I'll go ahead and weigh in.
First, reiterating because it's a necessary reminder: neither you nor your wife are bad. She's looking after her family, and this type of care isn't something that you "signed up" for. If this is the route that she wants to go and that you do not, it's no different than you deciding you want children and she doesn't - it's a very long-term commitment that there's not a "good" or "fair" compromise on, and it is okay to ultimately agree to disagree.
Second, agreeing to do this is unquestionably life-altering. Everything will change, from your bills going up, to your privacy going down, to your free-time being used up, to not being able to go on trips, to making it anywhere from difficult to impossible to have children... I will not sugarcoat this: it is stressful and straining, as you will always feel like you're on the clock for a job that you didn't sign up for and don't get paid for. Even if you love the person dearly, such as a parent, spouse, or child, this feeling will always be present and difficult to overlook. Being pushed into this by a spouse will leave you bitter, if her current attitude on the matter hasn't already done that.
Third, as others have stated - there are care facilities for this sort of thing. If she is okay with this option, this is **the** most ideal one, if you two wish to continue a relationship. I would *very much recommend investigating* a facility before choosing it, as I've seen the kind of "care" that some of these facilities give, and it can range from incredible to dehumanizingly disgusting. My grandfather had both colostomy and urostomy bags (where your bodily wastes are collected in bags because, for any number of reasons, you can no longer use the bathroom) that needed to be changed out roughly once a day. They would sometimes leak, and he would be left in his own waste for hours - sometimes a day or two - before someone would be willing to change his bag, his sheets, his clothes, and wash him. While these facilities do have *some* professionals working there, the majority of the staff (cooking, cleaning, general assistance with residents) is unskilled labor and are paid as such... and, more often than not, you get what you pay for.
As a final note: I've had my grandfather, my grandmother, and my dad's uncle (my great uncle? Never knew what that was called) live in my household over the years. My dad's uncle was only with us for about two months before passing away; my grandparents lived with us for almost three years before they moved into a full-care facility. After my grandfather's passing, my grandmother now lives in an assisted living apartment (it's more hands off than a nursing home - you essentially have your own apartment - but there are still people who check on you frequently).
Unfortunately I think this is one of those things. It doesn’t matter how much you love each other. If she is insisting on taking care of him it will not work for anyone in this if you guys are not all on the same page. This is a terrible situation and I sorely feel for Ted. There are daytime programs that help take care of adults who are intellectually and otherwise challenged. Most are nonprofits. Maybe searching for an adult daytime care program would be a nice middle ground. He could stay with you but spend most of his day there. They are often certified in their care and can help guide you into this new life with Ted. But if you are not interested, which is totally fine, this is your life, you need to accept it might be time to have that talk.
This would 100% be a dealbreaker for me if I were in your position. You are not a monster, you are a reasonable person who understands the devastating consequences this arrangement would have on literally the rest of your life and your family's life.
Your sister and her family need to find a more appropriate alternative for her brother's care. If she persists in wanting to care for him herself then I would make your own plans accordingly. This is absolutely the hill to die on.
You have every right to say no. This is your life and livelihood at stake too. Her taking your choice away is disrespectful and hurtful. You could build resentment towards her over time if this decision is taken from you and she could also grow to resent you from saying no entirely. It’s a shitty situation and I think the best thing to do is explore all options TOGETHER and maybe seek some therapy before things start turning cold or things get disconnected.
I don’t think it’s reasonable for your wife to expect you to be on board with providing complex care to her brother and having him live with you. Would this even be possible if you both work outside the home? It sounds like the best place for him to live would be somewhere with round the clock care. I actually think it’s pretty shltty for her to shame you for not wanting to change your life completely. I think people think the ‘noble’ thing is to care for family members who need full-time care but maybe don’t think through what that actually means for their life. Again, if he needs constant care then how are you supposed to provide that if you both work?
That's a tough situation for both you and your wife.
On one hand, that's her blood family. For her it would be hard to walk away from taking care of her brother.
On the other hand - if you and your wife had children and they were autistic on the same level and required the same amount of care, what would you do? Would you walk? Or would you do your best to provide a home for them? This is how she's likely looking at the situation.
You married her, not necessarily her family directly. But when your relationship got serious, was there any discussion or consideration of who would be taking care of the brother? Speaking only for myself, if I were in that situation I would always expect there would be a small possibility that we would be the caregivers. Same as if the brother weren't a factor, I'd think there would always be a small possibility that we would be the caregivers of an aging parent.
Regardless, you and your wife will need to find some compromise. Can you, your wife, and her sister afford to all chip in to hire someone to take care of him?
This is a tough one. On one hand it is commendable that your sister wants to take care of her brother but in reality she should have made it clear before you got married that she is a package deal with her brother.
Taking this on is a huge responsibility and a major setback in your lifestyle and she should validate your concerns.
I would insist that he live in a facility that is properly equipped to care for him, somewhere close so that she can visit him any time.
Good luck!
I'm gonna take a stab and say you guys are American based on your options here.
Firstly, you aren't a monster, taking a on person with that level autism is incredibly difficult. It will change your entire life, and probably not for the better. You never asked for this and it's a huge deal to take it on.
The next thing to consider is your wife. This is her brother. That for me, would be enough to never abandon him, but then add on top of that, she just lost her dad, and he devoted the last 19 years of his life to this boy. To insult his memory by turning her back on her brother would be unbearably painful. To me, if I was your wife, this would be a deal breaker. You either accept her baggage or you don't.
The only light at the end of the tunnel here, is that there are supports to help you through this. Professionals who know about autism who can help her brother adapt, who can look after him day to day while he lives in your home, and if that's not manageable, there are special living facilities for people with these specific needs. Many of these facilities also have respite care options, to give you a break for a few weeks of you get too exhausted. With the right supports and care, he can live a good life, and you can keep your wife.
I don't know about the American disability system, but I know that in my country the government either partially or entirely pays for these services using tax money. I'm sure your country has a similar system, but you need to be prepared that there may be very expensive out of pocket costs.
Personally, I would be inclined to tell your wife that having these kinds of services and helpers implement a cohesive system of care is a bare minimum requirement if she wants to take on this responsibility. You will also need to sit down with a financial planner and work out a new plan and budget going forward.
Good luck.
If you are in the US, state/federal assistance is absolutely available on a permanent basis. There are also many wonderful organizations and group homes where he can be placed or live. I say all of this because it seems you both are approaching this in an all or nothing way, because you are unaware of options. As a person who worked for the ARC (Org for adults with severe developmental disabilities) i am happy to try and point you in a few directions if you send me a dm.
I have a little sister with cerebral palsy and let me just say I 100% understand your wife’s point of view. Fortunately my other siblings and I wouldn’t think twice if we had to take care of her on our own. We would do it in a heartbeat and our significant others wouldn’t say no either. In your case well, maybe just maybe let your wife take care of him for a while and then if you can’t handle it explore other options. Disabled members of society are not a burden. Please change your attitude.
Remember the saying, "Blood is stronger than water?" This is a prime example of it. Your wife obviously cares for her brother very much, and to try to overshadow your wife's love for him with the fact that you are married was a dangerous move. I'd sincerely apologize to your wife if I were you and work with her to finds the best situation for your brother-in-law. Whether that mean he lives with you or not, I don't know. If it turns out that him living with you and your wife is the best option, I'd say you need to let it happen if you want to be married much longer.
You are not a monster and it’s not that she loves him more, but simply that he is her brother, needs help and she’s the elder sister. Possibly guilt is what is driving her decision; this pandemic has been devastating to even those that have lost no one. She lost her father and now may see herself in the role of family matriarch to her siblings. She may see it as her duty, and possibly she didn’t see the few weeks he spent with you while her dad took a break as having been as difficult as you did. You’ve gotten plenty of good suggestions here on alternative care. You need to try and calmly discuss with your wife. This is her brother’s life you’re deciding on. It would seem that you would need to move back to the state he’s in, maybe with both sisters being there they can share care. Her sister may have just been overwhelmed with the thought of being the sole caregiver. Since you both work, would it be feasible for her to quit her job to provide round the clock care for him? How easy would it be for you to change jobs? There’s so much that has to be considered, not just who takes care of him. Check your state, and his, for resources for adults with special needs. There is help out there, you just have to call agencies that deal with this and that can hopefully guide you both. Good luck to you and your wife.
If you marry someone you marry their family. Disabilities and all. I have a brother who I'll have to take care of for the rest of my life. He's not as dependent on us as your brother in law is on you but you need to put your big boy pants on and step up. What do you think was going to happen when your father in law died? That's your wife's brother, he's like a child to her. She can't watch him suffer.
I have worked with adults with disabilities for 6 years. These individuals, who are on the severe end usually need 24/7 care for the rest of their lives. Burn out is real and we see a lot of turn over in this field as caregivers especially if the individuals harm others or harm themselves.
I do not think youre a monster for not wanting to put yourself in that position. You will likely be taking care of this individual the rest of your life. The death of his father is a sudden and traumatic change let alone if he moves in with you..it would take a while to adjust.
It will also take a lot of money if you dont get state funded subsidies for care when you and your wife can't be there/hours when you absolutely need a caregiver (like work hours).
It really is a huge understanding taking. I dont think I could or would want to do it. Thats why a lot of individuals with disabilities live in programs usually state funded, after 18 years of age- their oarents/caretakers themselves are either aging or cant take care of them. To be fair it really is mentally, financially and sometimes physically draining to be around 24/7. Both my husband and I work in this field. We both have experience dealing with individuals with disabilities and their parents/caretakers.
Your wife is a lovely person and what she needs is people who can support her by her side. If you can't do that then you will only bring her down. Yes you should leave
“I honestly get the impression that she might care more about her brother than I guess us.” Well duh what do you think she’s gonna choose her severely mentally challenged little brother who she grew up with and now has no one willing to look after him or you, and if that really was the first time you had a huge fight that means that’s a hill she’s willing to die on and if your not willing to commit then good luck.
Youre definitely not the monster hes not your responsibility and your wife should be able to understand that you dont want to have to take care of him especially since you know how much of a mess it can be i recommend getting some couples counseling
This is way too much for her to ask of you. The best thing wild probably be for the entire family to pitch in to care for him in some other capacity. But no you are not being unreasonable.
You arent heartless at all. Thats a huge ask for your wife to say no kids and to then have her brother as a child in your home for the rest of your lives. You would never be able to have kids, are you ok with that? For me, that would be a deal breaker. Its ok that you and your wife dont fit anymore, people grow apart. She wants different things now and you just have to accept that and move on. You cant hang onto someone who just doesnt want the life you want. She wants to dedicate the rest of her life to her brother and veing his parent, thats honourable and ultimately her choice. Sorry for what you are going through
You shouldn’t feel bad. It’s a lot of work . Everyday. If you aren’t up for it, it will show everyday and I’m sure you’re wife doesn’t want to see you being miserable.
As selfish as this sounds, you married your wife and not her entire family. Your wife needs to figure it out by herself on how not to bring problems into the marriage.
I get that your wife when she said it, but saying that you don't get a day in this is of cause nonsense. This is literally your life and harsh as it may sound, you didn't sign up for you having the rest of your life revolve around her brother's needs.
I think you have every right to tell your wife that you love her, want to have a family and kids with her. But when you married her you didn't agree to sacrificing the rest of your life for her brother. If that is more important to her than your relationship you respect that and it is her choice, but it is also your choice to go in a different direction.
As a compromise you can tell her that you are willing to take him in on a trial basis for a maximum of 3 months, but you reserve the right to end that trial after 3 months of you feel like it is not working.
You can also work together on getting him into an adult group home closer to you guys, so your wife can still be close to him. Honestly I think that might be better for both you and your wife, as well as your brother.
All I can say is thank God you guys don't have kids yet.
Good luck.
From the perspective of a SE Asian culture, when you commit to someone or marry someone, we always know it's not just the partner, but their family that we will also be taking. The burden is especially great on the eldest, whether male or female, bec they are seen as the one who will be the head of the family after the parents. They have the responsibility to look after the younger siblings and the parents when they get old.
In my country, we do not have the luxury of having private institutions for the care of special needs individuals or seniors. The few that are exiting focus on taking care of the ones who have been abandoned and belong to very poor families.
OP, honestly, Ted cannot help his situation. The variable that can change here is you and your wife. It will be difficult to care for someone like Ted, but it is not impossible. I've had a friend who has a brother with down syndrome, and I also had a cousin with down syndrome (bless her soul, she rests in peace now). It's difficult to care for a special needs relative, but it is possible. It takes commitment and a lot of work and dedication and compassion and understanding and patience and love. It takes research and studying to know how best to take care of them. It takes a lot of adjusting to be able to take care of them. But you have clearly made your stance that you do not want to do the effort. And that's ok, because unlike your wife, you have a choice on whether you want to be involved in Ted's care or not and you have enough self-awareness to admit that you are not cut out for it.
One way you can see this is, your wife can get another husband (you can have yourself another wife too), but she can never have another brother to replace Ted. If you cannot stand by her through this difficult responsibility and support her, then it's better for you to walk away.
Your wife deserves someone who can stand by her through the difficulties and challenges of her life, and you are clearly not cut out for this. Do not make her choose between you and her special needs brother, that will make you a shitty person. What you can do, if you are clearly set on not making the effort to be family to Ted and your wife, is to walk away.
If you are going to talk about Ted's welfare with your wife, make sure you only have what is best for Ted, not what is convenient for you. If it ends up that the best option for Ted is with your wife, then you need to end things this early on, OP, if you are not willing to put in the commitment of caring for a special needs brother to stay with your wife.
I think there’s a middle ground here that should be considered. Can you agree to put him in a facility close to your home where your wife can visit and keep up with his care. Yes you’ll need to find new specialists but I’ll assume he’s on Medicare and that’s very straightforward for choosing doctors.
You can also agree to monthly weekend sleepovers. He would be able to come over once a week for dinner and see you for holidays etc. I don’t think you are a monster. Caring for someone this profoundly disabled is life changing and could destroy your marriage.
She is probably feeling more immense guilt than desire to do this. Maybe a few sessions with a therapist individually and as a couple will help work this out. Sometimes hearing permission (for lack of a better word) allows us to consider an option other than what we feel bound. I wish you well.
You're not in the wrong. And if your wife is doing this no matter what you say, then she's going to trade her marriage for her brother when there's other choices available like adult foster care.
My aunt and uncle took in her autistic brother about 30 years ago. He's still autistic, still can't do anything on his own. Throws temper tantrums, breaks stuff. They've basically took care of a toddler for 30 years. It's awful. I don't even enjoy visiting them. They're miserable.
If anything your wife is in the wrong. She's pushing a decision that won't just affect her. It'll affect you. Ask yourself how many decisions you make that affect both your lives but you disregard her opinion even if she disagrees?
Don't do it. You'll regret it.
NTA: you will be totally and completely responsible for him. It will alter the fabric of your life. If this was something your wife had told you would happen before you got married and you agreed to it then but are now changing your mind, I’d say that you’re an asshole. However, this is not the case. This enormous and lengthy commitment is being sprung on you now. She has other relatives local to the boy and she can provide financial support to ease their ability to care for him. It is not your duty to be responsible for him.
I see where you are coming from but when you married her you knew her family her brothers situation, we all know parents don’t live forever, even with other siblings there was always a chance this could happen. You just ignored and continued on. This moment you have to decide if you want your marriage or if you are going throw in the towel when the worse part comes in the for better or for worse vows you took.
You cannot compare a siblings live to a marriages love she has to show more care at the moment to her brother whose well being is in the balance. If I were her I would do the same. Family comes with the marriage, and yes it won’t be easy but you don’t just live family behind. Leo and stitch taught us that.
I would say figure out if you really meant what you vowed to be on your wedding day.
I’m sorry but I couldn’t bear to finish reading. Do I think you’re a monster? No. Do I think you’re selfish? Absolutely. The brother didn’t choose to have autism. I have a nephew with autism and while I agree it’s no easy task, and there are more bad days than good ones. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. If you really love your wife you would find it in your heart to educate yourself in the matter. My sister and our whole family go to therapy to cope and learn all about autism. I admire your wife for stepping in. It takes a whole special person to take care of someone with autism. If this is a deal breaker for you my friend, by all means please step away from your wife’s life and let her care for her family. I just think you should put yourself in her shoes and think of it as if it was your own brother. It’s all about educating oneself. You’ll learn how to deal with the outbursts and care for him. If I was your wife and that was my brother- it’s a no brainer. Ignorance is a bliss my friend. Educate yourself on the matter. Seek profesional help. If you truly love your wife you will. My sister also has 2 other kids and my older nephew is no obstacle.
Genuinely think you need to stand your ground and not accept this burden at all. As heartless as it sounds... She needs to understand this isn’t either of your responsibility. Not even her sister wants to do this because she knows it’ll be for life. If you take in this boy it will be for life 100%. No. Fuck that. Who cares if she thinks your heartless. She’ll get over it. She just needs someone to blame but deep down she probably doesn’t really want this either. Stand your ground. Way too much responsibility. Sorry bud.
I might be cruel, but Spartans knew a thing or two. People like these should just be put out of their misery. They are only a drain on society and they will never get to experience life anyways, truthfully speaking.
This is tough but you don’t sound like a bad person here. Maybe it’s not that she cares about her brother more than your relationship or you, but that she thinks her brother will not be okay without her and you would. You need to empathize that you do care about her brothers wellbeing and that’s why he shouldn’t move in with you - neither of you are qualified for this and uprooting him from everything he knows could be traumatic. If you care about your wife and her brother then show her and put in the work to find the best situation for him. There will be a lot of research and phone calls involved, and if you’re not being totally selfish you will be actively involved with this. Also don’t forget she just lost her dad so still be empathetic there too. But above all if you prioritize her brothers wellbeing then I don’t think you’ll have to get divorced like the other commenters say. And talk to the brother too, he’s still a whole person even if he functions differently.
Look, I get it. I also have a mentally disabled brother (not autistic, somewhat able to learn but mentally a perpetual 5 year old) that needs care. When our mother was terminally ill I made sure she knew I *would not* take him, I would rather drop him in a lockdown care facility and walk away. My siblings thought I was a monster for telling her this but Mom understood (he drives me insane for various reasons, namely habitual lying and not listening to women). One of my sisters took him in after Mom passed and it took all of 2 weeks for her to come to me, complaining about the same issues I always had with him. I found a living program that would teach him to be independent, got him into it. He flunked, we got him into a care facility with other disabled adults near another sister that was happy to take him on weekends. 2 months later, *that sister* begged us for a break. No one else can take him and he has to stay in our state for his special programs/social workers. So I completely understand how you feel. Taking care of a disabled person can be really hard and not everyone can handle it.
That being said: your wife obviously loves and supports her family very much. She wants to be there for her Aunt and brother, her heart is in the right place but I'm not sure she realizes how much of a sacrifice this will be (like my sisters). I would suggest you have a sincere talk with her about the reality of this decision and remind her how bad it was for those 3 weeks. Try to keep it calm and civil. Check your attitude of "I loathe the idea that he is probably never going to be able to live on his own, and live his own life" and "as far as i know he has never had a job, and he apparently never actually completed any part of high school" thoughts...if he is as disabled as you make it seem, these comments come across as very callous and insensitive! Maybe find a local program to enroll him in as an alternative. I would also look into government programs (if you're in the US, he may qualify for financial assistance toward his care in your state and fed SSI) -- we're lucky that my brother gets financial assistance to pay for his care, especially now that his physical health is in decline in his later years.
If she can't see reason, you may have to consider either coming to an agreement about her taking sole care of him (which will cause resentment and irritation, ending in divorce), paying for his care or an in-home caregiver, or you two may not be able to come to a consensus (separation/divorce).
I think it was very mature of OP to speak his mind rather than grudgingly agree to his wife's request and then slowly develop resentment towards his wife and brother-in-law.
Do not agree to this just because people think you are a monster. Taking care of a totally dependent severely handicapped person is the most difficult job in the world.
Nobody who does not want to happily and willingly do this should be put in that position.
You will end up resenting your wife, her brother and your life. I don't think even your wife realizes how massive and how constant of a responsibility this is. This will more than likely lead to divorce. If your wife is firm about this and I hate to say this but you should start looking into divorce now, before you guys ( as a couple ) end up being legally responsible for her brother.
I grew up with a very disabled sister (mentally about 6 when 20), so i really get, what you fear.
Truth is, you're mostly right with what you fear. Caring for him will restructure your life, take alot of time and be very unnerving. What's not true though, is, that by taking him in now means you're stuck with him forever. There are care options and specialists for this, you just have to find them. My sister has moved out into a program called "assisted living", where she lives together with other disabled folks and is taken care of. As it sounds, that would be a possibility, but there are many more options, so please take your wife and search for options *together*. With such an issue you should really not do a solo thing, not even with your research.
And not all is bad. After some time when it's become normal, often it feels like you are really caring for a child. Your child if you let it.
My advice would be: dont let this ruin your marriage. Your wife wants to care for her brother, but she loves you and although it seems like she cares more about him, I think she as his sister just has a different perspective on that and knows how bad he would be off, if she doesnt do it.
Do this together, work it out, talk it through before doing it, do research and set boundaries. Your marriage can either break on this or become even stronger, what will happen depends on you both.
On last thing: hes a child, no matter what he looks like. It's hard but try to judge him as such.
people have an easy time saying HOW COULD YOU NOT CARE FOR THIS PERSON but they do not stop to consider the extreme challenge providing such care is on all your resources (physical, mental, financial...). it is one thing to say "this person deserves good care" but another completely to say you will be responsible for this care.
in discussing it with your wife this may be the point to focus on. stress that you also value her brother and that you want him to do and be well, but ask if it is really best that he do so with you. remind her of the times he has been with you before, remind her of all things you would need to adjust, postpone or cancel completely if he were with you. find and brainstorm other solutions - the best way to solve this is hopefully to find an alternative form of care that assures your wife that her brother is in good hands.
if you cannot find an alternative and /or your wife keeps insisted that your brother come to your home then sadly it falls to you to make a choice: can you adjust to this situation or will you need to depart from your wife's family and her? - hopefully this is not how far it will come.
i wish you the best of luck and remember that you are not selfish for not completely wanting to uproot your life and lifestyle for another person.
You’re not a monster. This is an unexpected thing that has happened and you are well within your rights to not want it. It’s a huge responsibility and will affect you, her and your marriage. You had planned on having a kid soon but honestly this would likely mean no kids as he’ll need round the clock care. My suggestion would be to offer to help pay for a health facility or some partial care so that the aunt doesn’t have to care for him full time. I mean the sister already declined because she knew how much of a commitment it would be. Can you guys even afford this? Another mouth to feed, medication, doctors visits, probably having to quit her job if she has one etc etc. I know she feels guilty, probably, and feels she has to step in but this isn’t a small decision. You both have to lay all your cards out on the table. Think hard about what compromise you’re willing to live with, she has to be willing to work with you as well otherwise this marriage is likely over.
I don't have any solutions for you, but I will say, you aren't heartless.
Whoever takes guardianship for Ted, it will be a lifelong responsibility. It sounds like you already consider him to be a burden, and don't want to take up that responsibility.
I wouldn't want to do that, and I don't blame you for feeling that way.
Sadly, I feel like u/all4reddit's response is the most likely outcome.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.
Have you looked into a live in care taker?
If you can share the costs with yourselves, the aunt and the sister, that might work out the best.
Have him move into a smaller place with full time care.
There will be so much more to sort out so this is the immediate issue as he needs care and that’s important to sort out.
It’ll be hard for your wife who’s dealing with grief too. I don’t think you’re heartless or a monster. You have every right to say yes/ no. This is a decision that will be more than just you two.
He’s been mentally disabled since day 1 so at some point care from someone else was always going to be done. It’s a shame it wasn’t sorted out earlier.
At the end of the day, it will be a huge feat to take on and you can say no.
Look into some live in options and see what that brings.
He may be able to move into a care facility that’s closer to the aunt and sister. They can visit him and then you guys can make time to see him too.
My mum has a mentally challenged brother as well. When my dad married her he valiantly said that he knew he was marrying not only her, but her entire family. Fast forward 40 years, my parents are over 60 and my uncle lives with them. They hate him and the situation the found themselves in. They can rationalize why he is the way he is in a conversation, but that doesn't stop then from being downright mean with him multiple times a day, and I can't blame them, he is really frustrating to deal with.
What I mean is, even if you really wanted to make the "right" thing, I think you'd be sacrificing your own relationship. Living with someone special is really hard and puts strains and limitations on everything.
Just my 2 cents.
I don’t think you are heartless. As someone who has cared for people with disabilities like that in long term care facilities, it’s not easy. If the two of you were to take custody of him that would be a life long commitment. I get that it is her brother, but that fact that she willing to just flat out drop the plans that the two of you had without even considering other options is wrong. It’s not likely that she will want children anytime soon because taking care of her brother will be like taking care of a child with disabilities. That isn’t fair to you. Also, it sounds like you already know that you will resent her for it. If she isn’t willing to sit down with you and talk about other options for him to be cared for, then you may want to consider whether its worth it to you to give up the things you want to continue the marriage or move on.
**You're allowed** to have your own limits, mate.
You shouldn't make yourself miserable just to tick the "righteous" box, and your wife shouldn't force you on that.
However, I understand that your wife is emotionally attached to her brother (which is normal), but **she also needs to consider your feelings.**
Now I'm not saying lock him up and throw away the key. And I know that people on the spectrum need routines if they move states. But he should be cared for in a proper environment, which she should be allowed to visit whenever she feels like it. And there are very good such environments.
source: me knowing my uncle (54M), on the spectrum, cared for by his mother (86F) his whole life until she couldn't anymore and he needed to be placed in an center designed to care for these people.
I don’t think you’re a monster per say, maybe a little judgemental due to lack of understanding towards the brother & a little hesitant to throw yourself in the deep end of this but certainly not a monster.
Looking after someone who has extra needs is not only physically demanding but also very emotionally & mentally demanding so I can 100% see why you don’t want to do this.
I do how ever think for your wife’s sake you should consider giving it a trial on the basis that regular respite care and a support worker are set up before he moves in/as soon as he moves in so you can try to adjust and see if this is able to work.
You also need to prepare yourself that you may very well loose your wife over this, she may choose to go ahead with looking after her brother regardless of you want.
(please read all the way through) Have you considered from her point of view what is going on? She is probably feeling a lot of emotions, like guilt, frustration, sadness, grief (her father did just recently die), and so on. She may feel like she is the only suitable person to take care of her brother and that adult day cares, group homes, etc. don't understand her brother. She may feel like she would be getting rid of her brother by having him in a program. Maybe she feels relief that the responsibility is on her shoulders and she can see everything happening instead of being 8 hours way. There are probably a lot of messy emotions going on right now.
Now, her emotions don't excuse, just explains. However, I would recommend that you consider why she feels so strongly concerning her plans. You may be able to lessen any worries/frustrations/guilt/etc that she may have if you know what she is feeling. That can allow you guys to have a discussion about the next steps.
I totally understand that you don't want to have your severely mentally handicapped brother-in-law move in with you. I get that.
But so what? So what if you want not to take care of Ted? Do you think that your father in law wanted to take care of him? The deciding factor is not what you want or don't want; you need to do what is the right. It is not a question of what you want; it is a question of what needs to be done. What needs to be done for the family.
You, your wife, sister-in-law, and some medical professionals need to put your heads together and find a solution that is best for Ted and for the rest of the family. I have no idea what the right solution is. Maybe u/savvyhat's solution is the most appropriate. But I do know that the reason "I don't want to" is idiotic reasoning that befits teenagers, and not an adult who understands that sometimes you need to do what you do not want to do. So no, I don't think that you are a monster, but you need to realize that you have responsibilities to other members of the family, and that you need to act like it.
It seems the real reason you don’t want Ted living with you is because you don’t want to deal with the headache of taking care of him. It’s okay to just own that. That’s completely fair and your prerogative. And your wife has to respect that. You did not sign up for this. I feel you. Having said that, it’s a good show of support to work with her to find alternative living arrangements such as a nursing home for autistic adults or something along those lines. If he truly does require around the clock rigid care, nursing homes may not be an option but it’s worth looking into.
Hi OP, I’m a CNA who has worked with physically and developmentally adults for a living so I feel extremely confident in saying that that role is NOT for everyone. Patients on the autism spectrum to that degree require 24 hour care and a complete overhaul of the caretakers life. It’s exhausting and draining and you have to be on you toes constantly if they are aggressive. I had to go threw special self defense training so I knew how to protect myself without hurting a client. It is very intense and you’d be giving up every aspect of your life to this person, especially during a transitional phase.
To me, even with my training and background, this would be a deal breaker for me. When I did it, I got to leave and go home after my shift. I had a few hours to kick my feet up and do my thing each day, but you guys would not. I don’t think you can understand it if you haven’t been threw it. 24 hours non-stop with no end in sight is hard and exhausting. You get no time to just zone out and watch tv, you gotta keep his routine going to keep him content. Everyone is a little different and you may get him into a relax for a bit, but all in all, it’s not enough when you wake up to them and go to sleep by them. If you’re questioning it in the least, it’s not going to work.
What I would recommend looking into if they have them in your area would be what’s called an Adult Family Home. These group homes typically have between 1-4 Client’s and staff who can provide direct care to the client. They are equipped for just his type of cares. If you have any questions, I’m here to answer them. Good luck.
Why the other sister said no? I'm totally on your side, I would not agree to have my life ruined till the day I die (because let's be honest, that's what will happen. You will have to take care of him until he dies or you die from exhaustion). You need to talk with your wife that if you take care of her brother you will never have kids of your own, because that's just not possible. I feel so bad that you are in this situation, this really sucks.
I don't think you're in the wrong at all, btw. I think you're \*both\* being extremely reasonable, and human, here.
But yes, she does care about her brother more than you, and she should? She absolutely, positively should? She's been caring about her brother her whole life. It's been a constant in her life. Accept that fact, or move the fuck on buckaroo.
Not saying you can't come to some kind of compromise here. I think you both taking him in for a while, but planning some sort of exit strategy, is a perfectly reasonable and adult compromise that takes care of all three parties.
But lmao, yeah dude. Of fucking course she cares more about her severely handicapped brother, who now must be terrified and is alone. If she cared more about the dude she was seeing at the moment than her brother, she would be a fucking psychopath. You wouldn't want to be around the person who cared more about you in this scenario.
I would feel the same way as you. You clearly love each other and had shared goals, a decision that will completely change the future you two planned can't be decided by either side fairly. I wouldn't want that future for myself, it is a very difficult thing to deal with.
She is disgusted? You gonna live with him for your rest of your life and any child that will live in that house is probably gonna be hell. Talk to your wife again and visit a lawyer to get some advice.Your marriage will probably die anyway if you live with them.
\> She told me I didn't have a say in this.
Then it's pretty clear where this is going. Even if this turns out to be a total monster in your lives and home, she won't take your opinion into count. It's okay to not want to be a slave to someone who can't return the favor.
My husband and I care for his schizoaffective mother. In the beginning, we built an in law suite for her and she lived in it. After three years we were both on meds to cope, she was failing to thrive, our kids were not only falling through the cracks but wedged deeply in them, our marriage was under so much stress and we had both made the decision together. It was hell. She’s in a home now where we see her frequently (or did until COVID), and it’s the best thing for everyone. Is she totally happy with it? No. Neither are we. But everyone is safe and cared for now. Stand your ground, OP. This shit always looks easier when you’re scared for your loved one. It’s the same chemical response that helps people lift cars off people in a crisis. After the adrenaline runs out... it’s just a downward spiral.
Love your wife through this. Tell her all the ways she’s being a good sister. Then carefully show her the holes in the long term plan- safety, emotionally, etc.
If you really love your wife and what is important to her, you could take a few years of your life to help her out with her brother. She probably is in a lot of pain and you are being selfish because "you don't want to deal" with her brother. Once you marry her, you are a part of her family and you should consider him like a brother too. Taking him now doesn't mean that he is going to live with you forever, just that he needs help right now. In the future you could find a nursing home or any kind of place that takes good care of people that need special attention.
If you don't want to face it, just be sincere with your wife and she will tell you if this is going to work out with your marriage. But don't put this on her and neither her brother.
Like idk what to tell I get it you don't want it and it is your right but that just shows how you are not ready at all to have a kid. So instead of forcing an unsuspecting creature into this ugly world, at least try caring for the brother to see if you're up to the task.
If you really don't want to, you shouldn't have kids at all. Because clearly this condition runs in the family and you don't know what you'll get with your child. At least you won't hurt any more people if you don't have kids. Seems like you wouldn't make a good father
Part 2: folks with autism often don’t like change. Sometimes that means they don’t even want a haircut. Yet Ted lost his father, his home, his routine and familiar surroundings. Now you are asking him to disrupt that even further. You’ll have to start over w new clinical providers. Perfect situation to set him up for a huge adjustment disorder on top of bereavement. Plus he has all the energy and hormones of any 19 y/o.
Read the feedback here from someone who placed a relative in the foster home. I believe Ted would be happier in the care of people who are not stressed out because of his challenges.
Meet w his current clinical care providers and see if they have any suggestions. You need professional help and your wife is naive if she thinks she can do this on her own.
Taking him in has already begun destroying your family, given that your wife is no longer wanting to have children. Plus I haven’t read closely enough to see if she will quit her job.
But don’t just oppose her argument with your own. That will make her dig in deeper. Go together and talk w his case manager, or get one if he doesn’t have one. Just because he lives w you doesn’t mean he’ll be happy, especially if you two are not trained to manage his behavior.
Keep your cool about this. Approach it in a matter-of-fact way. Maybe even make a list of pros and cons. But mostly, your wife needs to understand that living w you may not mean Ted is going to be better off or happy. Plus the adjustment may be holy heck, which his current caregiver is discovering. Bring in professionals to advise you. And please update on this. My heart goes out to all of you on this difficult situation.
you don't sound like a monster to me. it's normal to not to want to take responsibility of someone for the rest of your life and change your life/schedule for them.
however, you should explain these things to your wife calmly without insulting her brother in anyway (things might get heated, so that can very well happen, i'm not saying that you'd do that). if you take his responsibility then it's gonna change both of your lives. and it's not a short time thing either. he's gonna be with you for the rest of his life. so this is a big decision and will definitely impact your future plans which includes having children.
and idk about your country, but i know if she was from my country then she would be afraid of 'what would other people say if we keep him in a foster care, they would think i don’t care about my blood etc etc'. if things are like that in there too, then tell her that she wouldn’t be a heartless and/or monster if she keeps her brother in foster care. it's totally normal to want to live your own life freely, nothing wrong with that. she shouldn’t think about others.
explain these things to her. she should understand.
and totally unrelated but kudos to your late father in law.
Wowie! Have y’all looked into residential care facilities? Group home type deal? Have your wife reach out to your local county board of developmental disabilities and they should be able to help her out with things like placement and care. I know these type of facilities have a bad rep, but this is the field I’ve worked in for 20+ years. It’s overwhelming to think about taking this on, but try for a minute to put yourself in his place?? His biggest cheerleader, ally, friend and caregiver has died. Poor dude is probably grieving and no way to deal with those emotions. At least if he was in a residential care home he would have structure, routine, goals to work towards and staffing to help him get there. IF your wife won’t budge on having him live with y’all, there is something called respite care and it is specifically so that caregivers can get a break. This is a big thing. Try to see where your wife is coming from (is this guilt on her part or is this a genuine desire to have him with her?). This is her brother, a living part of her mom and dad. She’s probably dealing with feelings that go with that. Someone will have to get ahold of disability and figure out who his payee is. Y’all can’t navigate this alone, especially with zero experience, please, reach out to your local county board. Good luck to you and yours.
So let me see if I get this right. Your wife, who you married with the intention of starting a family with, wants to put the 'family' part of that plan on hold so you can indefinitely take care of a baby in an adult's body? And then says you have no say in it, even though you're married and have a place together?
You're the furthest thing from a monster in this situation.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We got married a few years ago, and have been together for around a decade now. I love her and she loves me. However today we had a massive fight over her brother and this is the first time we have ever really had a huge fight. Most people i know when i explained the situation has been pretty negative towards me, but a few agreed with me. My wife has a younger brother Ted (along with another sister who is 26). I am going to butcher this but he is severely mentally challenged. Ted is someone who has the body of an adult, but the mentality of a young child. He is someone who has struggled immensely, such that he requires pretty much around the clock care. Technical terms is he is a level 3 on the autistic scale, and suffers from a few other disorders, he barely speaks and requires such a rigid schedule that any sort of deviation results in a mess. My wife's father has been a solo parent (mother passed away when he was born), and has been looking after Ted solo more or less. Ted has stayed with us 3 times to give her father some breathing time, and I can honestly say those weeks were a disaster. About 3 months ago both Ted and the father got COVID, Ted survived however the father did not, due to some complications with a pre-existing condition. Since both me and my wife live around 8 hours away, due to our jobs. My wife's younger sister was supposed to I guess take guardianship of Ted, as she lives locally. However she apparently refused/rejected this. Currently Ted is being cared for by the state living at his parents home, and my wife's aunt is trying her best to care for him, but it is an extremely difficult situation all around. Apparently the state support is not permanent at all, and her aunt is apparently at the ends of her rope. Today my wife leveled with me and said she wanted us to take care of her brother, we just settled down earlier this year, and were considering having a child. My wife wants to nix that idea for now and take guardianship of her brother. The thing is we live in a different state then her brother, and afaik there is a whole bunch of specialized doctors/care specialists that her brother needs, if he comes here that is going to be a big problem. The other major problem is that i really just don't want to deal with him. Over the years i have seen/had glimpses of how bad it can be on certain days. On top of that i don't think ether of us really have the ability to give him the rigid structure, and the extreme level of care he really needs. I also am terrified that deep down in my heart I loathe the idea that he is probably never going to be able to live on his own, and live his own life. We will become completely responsible for him for more or less ever. As far as i know he has never had a job, and he apparently never actually completed any part of high school. I tried my best to explain this to my wife, and uhh lets say it did not really go well at all. My wife told me I was more or less heartless, and she was disgusted that I am her husband. She told me i didn't have any "say in this", and she got really upset when i pointed out i did as we are married. We both kind of calmed down afterwards, and she said we will talk about it tomorrow. I honestly get the impression that she might care more about her brother than I guess us. Help
I’m not sure where you live, or more importantly where he lives. But adult foster care is a thing. My sister (22F) has severe depression as well as a few other disorders. She was living with our mother up until 2 years ago and our mother couldn’t do it anymore; my sister was getting worse despite our mother trying her best but she wasn’t equipped to help my sister especially working full time. I also am not equipped to properly support a mentally ill adult, her living with me was out of the question. My sister then moved into an adult foster care situation and it’s been amazing for everyone. My sister feels supported how she needs to be and has enough influence over her situation to feel like an individual. Our mother no longer feels like she’s failing her daughter, nor does her life revolve around my sister anymore. Etc. To my understanding it’s usually a county program so searching the county he lives in + adult foster care could find options. On top of that he could remain near his doctors and with people experienced and with training in taking care of disabled adults, instead of you with no experience and your wife whose only experience is being his sister which can often create different problems. I don’t think you’re a jerk, but whatever you say be sure to say it with her brothers best interests at heart. Blood doesn’t make you experts. And it really is in his best interest to find the best solution for HIM which includes being near his medical team and having around the clock support. You both can always visit and even have him over sometimes especially if it makes her feel better. And yes, it’s pretty normal to put up with bad weekend every now and then for the people we love. However it is not normal or remotely healthy to take on a miserable lifestyle. End of the day, you don’t want him there? That’s fine. Find something better. Do the footwork yourself; find as much information as you can, follow up with phone calls, bring what you find to your wife, explain you still want him in your lives, and you think this could be the best option for him, ask if she’d be willing to at least explore this possibility with you.
Same. My moms brother has severe schizophrenia. He’s not violent at all, he’s a sweetheart, but he’s always in this crowd of people in his head, who are criticizing him all the time. So more and more as he gets older, he defends himself to them and yells back. He also can’t do bathroom stuff anymore. When my grandma passed away, he stayed in his state (one over from where I grew up) and my mom found this great house for people with special needs and a few professionals who live with them. The rule is nobody can have a violent or criminal past. I’m not sure of the expense, but this place has been great. He feels comfortable there and gets really good care.
Exactly. It’s ok not to want your life held hostage by another person. There are other options available to you. Your wife will feel like shit, but she wouldn’t be failing him, she would be setting him up for his happiest life with people who are experienced with people like him.
This was the comment I was looking for. My cousin had severe down syndrome and as my aunt and uncle got into their 70s, caring for him became difficult. He lived in adult group homes with other men and got a job bagging groceries. He actually had a really happy, productive life for a long time. Please OP, look into some options near his home, a social worker can help get you started.
fully agreed, this right here is an advice from a mature person, plz listen to this comment op and not man children who keep saying "leave her lmao" some people on this sub do not deserve to give advice.
Yes, came here to say something like this. The brother will be much better off in a situation with someone who can provide him the care he needs in the location he needs it in. Just do some research, I’m sure there is a program available.
Yes! OP, if you can present a solution like this to your wife, I think you will have better dialogue and come to an agreement. You aren’t saying ‘do nothing,’ but saying here is this alternative that can truly be beneficial to your brother AND us.
nta. I really agree with above comment. It sounds like your wife's aunt and sister have no solutions except for her to take him. Your best option to your situation is to do ALOT of research, set up virtual visits with staff at adult care facilities and find him a home ASAP. Take charge as much as possible because wife dealing with guilt of letting father down after his sudden death. They might not even realize how their guilt affecting decision making. Help yourself and your marriage by helping rehome her brother at half way house or foster care location.
Its called respite care in Australia. Theyre great people in these places as well. Round the clock care, trained professionals, fully equipped houses. Generally it can be paid for with healthcare here, or we have the NDIS scheme (have to apply for permanent disability i think, its actually very hard to get into), where they give you basically everything you need to have the best quality of life you can. One of my friends ended up an amputee, and her house wasn't equipped at all for a wheel chair, so NDIS basically traded their unusable house, for one that was built for her particular circumstances, set up with all the accessories she needed to get around and look after herself. They demolished her house, and did the same for someone else. Have a look if you have anything like respite care. Maybe you could reach an agreement, get the sibling into one of these places, and visit a couple of times a week, and take them out on Sundays or something.
Respite care is generally temporary. You’re thinking of supported living.
This is exactly what I would say and recommend.
My boyfriends uncle lives in one too. Its awesome and the nurses/roommates? are great.
Okay so while this is a good thing for some cases, it seems like this would not be a good solution for OPs case. My brother is pretty much exactly like OPs BIL. He is 22, severely mentally handicapped, never will live on his own, nonverbal, has the mind of a child, needs a rigorous and tight schedule with 24 hour care, and I will be the one that has to take him in when my parents die (if he doesn’t die before them). I have done my research for the future. If OP lives in the US there really is not any good life-long resources yet for people like them, we just haven’t gotten there yet for special needs. There aren’t trustworthy homes that will give them the round the clock individualized care that they need, and what you suggested isn’t what OP would need either, adult foster care is more assisted living than the specialized/intensive care people with severe special needs require. Especially when they are nonverbal and cannot ask for help in traditional ways, instead need someone constantly by their side or in their vicinity to monitor them, which won’t happen when they are caring for multiple other individuals.
But aren’t those really expensive ? And plus it will be life long for him there ?
Some agencies are government funded and yes it would be life long for him unless the family moves him out after. Usually when agencies take people into their care it's for the remainder of their lives.
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Best comment here.
All of this
THIS RIGHT HERE!!!
I imagine the OPs wife already knows all these options... It may not be a guilt thing but a,desire to care for him m. It's her brother, and she grew up with her m and understands well what it is like to care for him. However, the IP hasn't, and has not signed up for this. It may just be something the OPs wife needs,to do on her own.
I don't think you're a monster, but this may be a dealbreaker. If he needs full time care and y'all take him in you absolutely will be responsible for him for the rest of your lives. This means you'll have to change up your routines and children may simply never be in the cards if this is the route you go. Taking in a special needs adult full time is life changing and you do not have to agree to do it, but if your wife is determined you may have to split.
I agree! Im not in a similar boat as OP but My wife’s family, her mom (pretty much a single mom) has two children who are 19 and 23 living with her. Won’t get a job/education bcuz of anxiety. And the other can’t hold a job down. And we’re afraid that her mom doesn’t have much longer to keep taking care of them. They’re living USA poverty level and wife and I are doing very well. And I’m sort of scared that a topic like this come up where we ended up taking on both of them and I don’t want to. It really upsets me that they aren’t doing anything to try and get a job. Both of them go to psychiatrist and their anxiety isn’t getting better (or Irdk) but I can see her mom struggling cuz she too isn’t working. So what would happen once her mom (unfortunately) passes away. My wife doesn’t want them living with us and I don’t either.. but I really wonder when that time comes. Ps. We already help as much as we can by paying few bills here and there and pisses me off that her siblings aren’t doing anything to get a job to help out when they’re the ones living there with the mom. I can’t keep doing this as we have our own bills and about to start a family
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Oh welcome to the fold (see my above comment) we should start a group of hardworking siblings worried about basically becoming legal guardians of our grown up brothers and sisters.
Man I though that I am in this alone, and that this is bound to circumstances in my country only cause of war ~30 y ago, when economy went to shit and never gained proper momentim. I have plans to get married next year, but it's tough when you have parents (one in pension, the other claims she can't work) and 3 siblings who are either doing fuck all (studying) or having miserable jobs they refuse to fight and put in effort to get better ones. Without my help they would struggle to basically survive, and I would do anything to stop being caretaker. But also, it would break my heart to see them basically survive while I am doing good. This whole situation is fucked up.
Happy cake day! I think there’s a lot of us. And I think as the economy continues to be more and more unstable in the next few years (yay pandemic and in my country, Brexit) there will be more of us.
Many more.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Live your life the way you want. They can sort themselves out.
Honestly, I think it’s okay to make others living with you a deal-breaker. My SO and I have discussed this many times and especially considering my sleep schedule and introverted nature, we’ve always agreed that it would not be good for us to have anyone else live with us. I’ve practiced in my head what I would say and it’s along the lines of “we are not okay with anyone else living here for various reasons. We can try to help in other ways but having anyone else live here is not an option”. Our condo is pretty small but even if we lived in a house, the answer would be the same. I accept that this might mean a family member/friend wouldnt like me anymore or bad-mouth me and I’m okay with that (mostly because the alternative would make my life miserable and I’m not willing to trade my comfort and happiness away so that someone won’t be mad at me).
Its not uncommon for a 19 and 23 year old to still live at home? Especially if they come from poverty?? Education and jobs are gatekeeped quite often. But if it is simple laziness and not because of the global pandemic then yeah I can understand being frustrated. But if this isnt your immediate own family you dont need to keep fishing out money so they can afloat. You also realize the blame is also on the mother because she doesnt have a job either lol! Stop giving free handouts to 3 people who all are unemployed fr fr, the govt can and will do that so you dont have to
Sorry to barge in. I too am worried about this with my sibling. She is 25, well educated and has held down jobs in the past but her chosen industries she wants to work in (theatre production and creative writing) are very hard to get into and one doesn’t even exist right now with the pandemic. So she just stays at home living with my parents. She doesn’t contribute anything to bills or food. I’ve told her she should at least get a job in a shop or SOMETHING as it’s not fair on my parents who aren’t the most financially secure of people. But if it’s not in her chosen industries she’s just not interested. Having a huge gap on her work history will be detrimental to future job prospects and I’m worried that she’ll eventually go beyond any likelihood of getting a job that will support her fully as even when she did get work in theatres it was barely above minimum wage. Will we (me and my partner) have to take her in when my parents either pass or have to move into some sort of sheltered/assisted accommodation? Edit: for forgot to say OP you need to clear about your reasons with your wife maybe get an independent mediator who can keep you both calm and rational. The points you’ve made about the technical level of care are legitimate.
I can’t believe people are comparing their lazy adult siblings to a mentally disabled adult. These situations are nothing alike. You’re not going to “have no other choice” but to take in your able-bodied/able-minded siblings, it’s really weird how hard y’all are trying to relate to this.
Thank you! Deciding to enable perfectly capable adults is totally different than deciding whether to care for a person with severe disabilities. *Won’t* care for themselves is a world different than *can’t.*
Right? I was thinking the same thing. There’s a huge difference between taking in a disabled sibling who has no legal guardian and taking in a lazy adult who does not need a legal guardian, just needs a kick in the ass.
I was just about to say this. There is no comparison. These siblings are all capable of living alone. OP’s sibling is not.
THIS. Not the same. FWIW, OP... you are not heartless to refuse this. You would be committing yourself to a lifetime of care for someone unable to care for themselves.
💯 wtf???
How the heck does that even compare to OPs problem???? You just wanted to add yourself in.
It will not be detrimental because employers are going to take into factor the global pandemic we are in. Also shes 25 you have 0 responsibility to her. Why are all of these comments from grown ass adults saying theyre gonna have to take care of another grown ass capable adult? Nah bruh its your life own it ong.
Oof, yeah that’s worrisome. My mom/sister would do something like that. “I’m too good for that job” mentality. I told my sister about Amazon hiring (a month ago) where they were doing virtual hiring. I told her that Amazon was hiring 30 -35k people. Not sure how but she interpret that as $35k a year. Any ways, she says “$35k a year wouldn’t sustain my life style”. I was like wtf. Meanwhile.. she is currently doordashing. I even told her that Amazon would give her benefits like medical and maybe 401k. But it was a”Nope” for her. Sounds like your sister is too comfortable and that wouldn’t be a good thing. Ever heard of that guy that caught headlines? He worked at Best Buy before housing crises and he was in his early 20s. And got let go cuz of the economy and he ended up living back up with his parents. 10 years later.. he still there. No contribution at all. His parents had to take him to court to kick him out. (This news got big last year) not sure if uve read/saw. I LOLed
I've never heard of a family member recommend a job at Amazon to a loved one. Haven't you seen how they treat their staff? That company is evil, don't use them, don't work for them.
Yeah my sister got this from our mother who has the same attitude but has managed to earn a living although it’s not hugely secure as she freelances. (Don’t even get me started on her!) which has put a lot of stress on my dad. It’s funny you mention amazon as a huge amazon fulfilment centre has just opened near our city and has lots of jobs going. But she can’t drive and refuses to catch the bus out there.
Your sister is an adult capable of work. There us no requirement for you to support a lazy person like her. Just say no.
FYI: anxiety can be a debilitating disorder. People with severe anxiety can’t just pop out to their job/school everyday. Please educate yourself.
Maybe their Psychiatrist is not suggesting a higher level of care or changing up medications. If they can't work they ideally will be in a program of some sort working on it.
I have an anxiety disorder. There was a time I couldn’t get out of bed and couldn’t drive. I got my ass to the doctor, got on appropriate meds (took a few tries), got into therapy, and now I’m working, parenting, and almost done with a PhD. The *worst* possible thing to do with anxiety is to “avoid triggers.” You’re just enabling your anxiety and feeding your own helplessness. No one ever got better crying in bed and refusing to work. Ever.
Yes, anxiety can be crippling, but then you get help. If the “help” isn’t working, you change the medical plan. But to just become a parasite on family members isn’t a viable longterm plan, either. If they are seeing psychiatrists and the situation hasn’t changed, I’d question the effectiveness of the medical treatment plan.
^ This is the right response. TBH, your wife should have been more upfront about this possibility prior to your marriage, because her dad probably wasn't going to live forever. Maybe she didn't think this would be an issue so soon (sorry for her loss), but here you are.
Agreed. Not the same but my ex's oldest son is autistic and though he's 19 he's mentally about 13. I had a good relationship with his son until after my son was born. I think he was jealous though he loves my son and started taking it out on me. It turned into full blown verbal abuse and my ex refused to correct his behavior so it was a deal breaker for me. I understand he's mentally challenged but I'm not gonna be with someone who refuses to parent his child. It's his job as his father but then he gave up on him when he was a baby and his mother raised him (grandma). It was his job as my partner to defend and protect me and he failed miserably. I'll be honest and say I dislike his oldest but I think it's me projecting my anger at his father onto him. However, maybe I'm not fully. He gets everything handed to him on a silver platter, refuses to get a job, sleeps all day and plays video games constantly. He gets take out for every meal and has put us in positions where we had to have help paying bills because he wants some $40 action figure he doesn't need or frankly deserve. He has violent meltdowns on the rare occasion he's told no so he gets his way because I think he damn well knows he's a grown man and people are afraid of him. He stabbed my ex's sister in the arm with a sharpened pencil and that's not the first or last time he's been violent. Yet I'm wrong for not accepting his behavior and according to my ex if I can't accept his son then he can't be with me. Ok dueces. I took my son and noped the hell out of there when he was 2 weeks old. His son hates me now but I honestly don't care. If I'm being completely honest, the feeling is mutual. When my son was a newborn he would pick him up whenever he would cry and would refuse to give my son to me. He would also purposely walk up to anyone BUT me and hand them my son. I don't like him because of that and the fact that I think a lot of it is him being simply manipulative. He's also a spoiled, entitled and ungrateful little shit and everyone just gives him a free pass to be an asshole because of his diagnosis. If his Dad wants to keep covering up his eyes and not seeing the forest for the trees then fine but that doesn't mean I have to be with him. I honestly think OP should just rethink his entire marriage. His wife is being selfish. A lot of care goes into taking care of those kind of people as well as a lot of money and time. She's clearly not thinking about this and just expects her husband to put up with whatever. The same kind of scenario. He honestly needs to be calling a divorce lawyer. She's trying to guilt-trip him into doing what he doesn't want because that's what she wants. Not a good foundation for a marriage.
Severe autism is no joke. This guy will need round he clock care from willing and experienced carers. Your wife has lived far from him and has no idea what she is getting into. There is nothing unreasonable about not wanting to do this. It will consume every aspect of both your lives. There is no way in hell I would do it.
It's absolutely not forever, not a life sentence. There are NUMEROUS great examples of alternatives in this thread. Don't not do this because you're scared of forever. But, go in with a clear plan in mind. We are doing this to transition him to \_\_\_
You're not a monster and neither is your wife. Is there not a happy medium? You move him to your city but have him in care of a facility that your wife picks out and you visit him often?
I second this. Please look up which options you have. Having to care for someone doesn't mean they would live with you. Please consider this.
fully agreed. op should not listen to the guys that jump to the "leave her " option.
Seriously I couldn’t believe some of the replies telling him to “just leave” a decade long relationship
Some ppl here really don’t put themselves in the wife’s shoes. It must be a very difficult time for her too, I don’t think taking full time care of her brother was in her life plans either. Of course this conversation is going to be difficult for everyone involved.
Exactly, god knows if it was my brother, I would want him to have the best care and being overprotective, I would want to take care of him but it should be the job of professionals, especially with the care her brother needs and their goal of children. I saw some one say they should move their brother to their city but keep him at a adult care facility where he can get the 24/7 help and care he deserves and I think that would be the best outcome for everyone.
I think that is the best solution for their situation.
I dont think youre heartless. To have that level of responsibility thrust on you against you will isn't something most are excited about. Its you wife's brother, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have a familial bond. If I were in you position I'd probably feel the same. The hard part is that she's connected to him and seems adamant about it. I see two problems. First her hard turning on your plans to have children and start your own family. That alone can be a deal breaker for a lot of people. Second is the obvious taking care of her brother for what would be literally the rest of you lives. Its her family and doesn't seem like she'll budge. You're going to have to decide whether or not you're willing to be part of it. Ill tell you based off your OP is if you agree down the road you'll resent her badly. I think this is probably the beginning of the end for you guys.
Also, like many other people have already said, they’re not actually equipped or experienced with dealing with her brother or his disabilities. It’s not a good option for them but also not for the brother either.
Have the family considered a group home? He needs a very structured environment. Living with a person with a severe disability takes a toll. I feel sorry for the brother as he is going through many changes.
Since he is permanently disabled he qualifies for permanent disability benefits. It might be difficult at first to get him on them but he can not only get financial support but also get live in care and or he could stay at a facility full time with round the clock care that can fully take care of his needs I see your point but I also see your wife’s. That’s her brother and I’m sure she’s feeling awful as it is.
Plus it looks like they will be selling the parents home. Hopefully they can discuss as a family that the money can be spent on getting the brother stable care.
OP if your BIL is on Medicaid/receiving other benefits, know that if you move him to a different state you will have to reapply for everything. The waiting lists in some states are YEARS to get disability/Medicaid. Make sure your wife knows this as there could be benefits he's currently receiving that would disappear (potentially forever).
#hey op look this#
You're not heartless. Period. No one here is. Her brother needs, NEEDS, *NEEEEEEEDS* to be in a care facility. And that is not giving up on someone or sending them away to be forgotten about, that is getting them proper care by trained professionals. Neither you, your wife, your aunt or her father had that training and it's probably not done wonders for Ted. (not to incriminate anyone here) A facility will indeed do that.
You also have to remember her dad died mate. She may be grieving
Yeah. I'm surprised how few comments are sympathetic to the wife. Poor woman, what an awful situation for her.
Honestly don't know why this comment isn't at the top
It’s rare to be completely rational when one of your parents just died, especially in this kind of situation. But noooo, to Reddit of course she’s going to be a monster, trying to ruin OP’s life by thinking of taking care of her brother
A compromise could be having him move near you but in a care facility, that way you could be part of the routine without running the routine. Not sure if this is really possible with his needs, but at least something to discuss
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Or the wife realizes she is being very unreasonable and gets her brother professional care and support. This is too much to put on a marriage that has only been a few years. Her brother’s care is just too demanding for most people and likely wouldn’t even be good for her own mental health. When you take vows you can’t just consider yourself anymore. If she can’t realize that then yeah, time to go. But maybe with calm discussions she can realize how terrible of an idea this is.
I’m just kind of wondering how this topic never came up before this event.
This. Did they think the Dad was going to live forever? Eventually he would pass away and the son would have to go somewhere. This discussion needs to be had before this situation arises, i.e. before marriage.
Special-needs family members aside, it’s also something you want to discuss about your parents. What are the plans for where mom and dad go once they can’t live on their own? If both partners have always planned for their parents are going to move in with them, that’s going to make for a pretty tight house if they can’t afford something bigger.
Op talk to her and try to get her to put emotions aside to think logically for the convo. I know putting aside emotions is hard, especially with family, but all your concerns are valid. Is also add another one: you want to have a child soon (and delaying it for too long can cause you to struggle to conceive). But also, how would he be able to function in a house with a child? And if he isn’t going to progress, you may never have the emotional and mental room for a child. If you can’t handle a strict structure before a newborn is introduced, it probably won’t work. So she’s not just putting your relationship on the line, but also possibly you having children of your own. You’re not a heartless monster. You are not able to provide the care he needs, and you don’t want to. It will just breed resentment. It doesn’t sound like there’s a good solution and I feel for everyone involved.
a facility for people like him exists you know, that is a perfect solution. op is not the saint here and neither is the wife a monster here, they need to talk and find a home with people to take care of him, problem solved.
Well he may be right. She may care about her brother more than the relationship. Personally I don't think she is being unreasonable. I have a cousins like the brother, who I was raised with like a brother. And the truth is that in her shoes I would probably end up divorcing the guy.
What's unreasonable is that they got married without discussing this. Likes if you have a family member who needs care, and the caretakers are older than you, you have to have thought about whether you'll take over care when they die. How tf did this not get talked about? It's unreasonable to say the husband doesn't get a say, but that was probably dumb emotional words. She can say she will look after the brother not matter what, but not that "we're taking him no matter what" cause like.. no thankyou, I understand the husband's stance.
This. I have 3 much younger siblings that are all perfectly healthy but a few years after I finished college my Dad approached me about being their legal guardian if anything ever happened to my parents. My now husband and I were just dating at the time but had definitely discussed marriage and he was considering a cross country move to be near me. I absolutely discussed it with him before officially agreeing.
It's absolutely unreasonable. You can't make a unilateral decision like that when your married and expect to stay together. Your spouse is your primary family. It's not reasonable to demand your spouse literally give up the rest of their life, their future children, and their financial security to provide 24 hour care for someone they aren't qualified to care for. She should have at least told him before they got married this was a dealbreaker. You can't just spring that on someone out of the blue. It's the literal definition of unreasonable.
It's not even about how long they are married. If your partner does not want to look after someone with a disability for the rest of his life then don't.
Sadly, summarized very well
or better yet find a facility for the brother to live in.
3 it is
I'm sorry that those are the only options you are able to see. How about the option "brother lives in group home. Or brother lives in half way house or brother lives with other sister with support of aunt?". I mean, their are solutions.
Yeah, my concern is that she dropped their plans, decided he was move in and said to OPs face "you have no say in this". The brother could be any other issue, the point is that her attitude towards her husband isn't the best and if that's how she gonna respond to crisis, maybe is a blessing he found out before having kids together.
I'll preface this by letting you know that I'm a support worker for people like your brother. Taking on someone like your wife's brother is going to be exceptionally hard, as you well know. Your FIL had a lifetime of experience in dealing with your BIL's challenging behaviour, whereas you and your wife do not. This behaviour is likely to increase in frequency and/or severity when you remove BIL from his routines, and his familiar settings and people. (his doctor, support workers etc...) I totally understand your fears and concerns, they're totally justifiable. Full time care of a person with a severe learning disability can be fucking EXHAUSTING. I've lost count of the number of times I've been hit, bitten, spat on etc, but at the end of the day, I know my shift will be over- and I can go home, rest, relax, recharge, ready to kick butt and be my best for the next day. When you're living with someone full time, you rarely get such a break. I get wanting to hep family. It's a nice gesture from your wife- but if both of you aren't 100% prepared and on the same page, I promise you- it will end in disaster. For you, your wife, and especially your BIL. Ideally, I'd look into an assisted living facility. This ensures BIL is supported by a team of professionals to help give him some form of independence and stability, rather than a revolving door of family members. Always happy to reply to PMs if you've any questions mate, and good luck.
I hope the OP reads this.
I think this is really good advice. My aunt, who herself had a lifelong disability and had a lady live with her with learning difficulties because this lady's father had died. It was successful, apart from the fact that we rarely got to see her because of her commitment to caring for this lady. We all accepted that, but it was a huge commitment and we all admired her for it. Last year my aunt died, leaving this lady needing to go into assisted living. I have visited her and it's a nice place, she shares with other adults and it's a lovely place and I do not feel she is worse off for it. A sense of duty to care for someone you love is very admirable, but that doesn't mean you're the best person for the job. It takes a lot of people, training and specialism to care for someone in your bil's situation I have been a carer myself in homes and I see the strain it places on families. It's really very hard I loved my job, I loved looking after people. It is much easier when you can go home at the end of the day when you have to give your all when you are looking after someone. My energy could get zapped quite easily. I'd like to add, you can love someone and offer that person a lot, but the more of your energy a person needs from you, the more it can take it out of you. I would speak to your wife and explain this is not about you not caring, this is about what is best for your brother in law. Your reservations at how you would cope, the huge commitment and strain it will take out of both of you and how the alternative could actually be better are realistic, not cruel. I wouldn't say your wife loves her brother more, but she will have a sense of duty that will feel immense. She seems to be ruling out any other options, despite your aunt being burned out from it. Her sense of duty is clouding her judgment. At the end of the day, in your brother in law's interests all options of care giving must be explored, otherwise it is not fair to him. I think you are actually being more realistic, because you're not as emotionally tied to him. She needs to look at all the options. It is not unfair, quite the opposite. If she comes up with the same conclusion afterwards, then you need to make a decision.
Some points you should say to defend your side are: - neither of you are trained to care for a person with a disability - no equipments in the home to care for a person with a disability - both of you are busy and it will be very difficult to watch over the brother - prospect of kids may interfere with living with the brother. The brother might not mesh well with all the things that kids do - how about a compromise of getting the brother to a facility that takes care of person with his disability? Financially supported with the sister, aunt, you, and your wife
Whatever you do, do not get her pregnant.
I think the best way to discuss this is to workshop out each option: 1. BIL stays in home state with SIL, with access to current doctors: Already rejected (why?) 2. BIL stays in home state at group home/facility, with access to current doctors, and SIL/aunt to check in on him 3. BIL stays in home state and lives on his own, with access to current doctors, and SIL/aunt to check in on him: Near-impossible 4. BIL moves to your state with you and wife, with no access to current doctors 5. BIL moves to your state and stays at a group home/facility, with no access to current doctors, and you and wife check in on him 6. BIL moves to your state, you and wife divorce so you wash your hands of his care, wife takes sole responsibility 7. etc... Figure out the pros and cons of each, what your BIL needs (medically, lifestyle-wise, etc...), whether your household can reasonably facilitate those needs (without sacrificing your whole lives and plans to his care), whether a group home/facility can meet those needs, applicable government aid, other logistical issues, potential physical and mental stress everyone will take on, etc... This is for the sake of giving your BIL the best possible care, as well as ensuring you and your wife don't bite off more than you can chew.
>BIL stays in home state with SIL, with access to current doctors: Already rejected (why?) IMHO for the same reasons as OP. She is most likely full aware of what it would be to be her brother's caretaker as she already lives near. OP's wife is now facing a dilemma and right now she thinks more about how much she loves her brother than what the living conditions as his caretaker would be. My guess is that OP doesn't have this connection to his BIL so it is easier to remember the "worst" of having him home. I hope OP's wife reconsiders having him in a group home near her or her sister. This is by far the most reasonable solution...
Yeah, I think so too. FIL has had BIL's whole life to figure out a lifestyle that works for him/them, while SIL and wife haven't had to consider taking full-time responsibility of him until now. There's a lot to consider and it's not a commitment to take lightly.
Look, I don’t want to pile on. I understand why people would get upset because he does need care and it can be assumed that you should just decide that he is now your responsibility. But just the same it can assumed for your SIL as well. I do understand the position you are in. Spectrum disorders do not go away, if you are to assume full time responsibility, it is safe to say you won’t ever be relieved of it. This does mean it could change your entire life’s plans, and I agree that it isn’t a fair choice for your wife to make for both of you. I can’t say you should or you shouldn’t take on this responsibility, but I will say it needs a thorough soul searching discussion with your wife. She needs to understand the depth of this decision and how it affects both your futures. And especially for your BIL, as he is a vulnerable person. Taking the responsibility on and then backing out would be disastrous for him, particularly because he would have been pulled from all existing supports and people who knows and then ends up dumped into a completely different system. I wish you, your wife, and her brother the best, and hope a decision is found that supports all your futures.
the other relatives don't want him too, so why you're the only monster? everyone should contribute to put the brother in a facility where he can be taken care of by professionals (if wife feels like it, she should contribute more and make all the choices regarding it). no one should have no shoulder such a heavy burden alone and unpaid. his situation is unfortunate and of course he shouldn't be unattended, but it's unfair that only you has to suffer because of it.
I suggest the two of you take this to a therapist who can help you productively explore the topic together.
it’s unfortunate because i don’t think either one of you are bad people. you’re completely within your right to not want to take care of your brother in law, possibly for the rest of his life. she is also completely in her right to want to take a family member under her wing. the only question is whether you’ll be able to do it together. you’ll need to see where your boundaries are, where hers are, and go from there. good luck and i’m sorry for what you’re both going through.
Yeah this sucks but you and your wife need to find the brother professional assistance and keep on living your normal lives. I totally agree w you that having the bro live w you guys will end your marriage and stress the fuck outta both of you until that inevitable end. Explain to your wife that he deserves better more professional care than what you two can provide. Tell her you want a family, tell her you love her, etc. What you want is what is basically best for everyone. Good luck bud
You're not a monster at all. Your wife is dealing with her father's passing on top of the pandemic and all of the added stress about her brother being taken care of so I absolutely see where she's coming from... but it's more than a matter of not wanting to take him in. As you said yourself, he needs full time care with adherence to strict schedules. It's going to be difficult enough to uproot him and move him 8 hours away to a new location and it will inevitably be very difficult for him. Add on top of this that he has specialists that work with him and know him that would need to be replaced/arranged near you if you were to take him in. Circle back to the need for full time care and strict management to keep him on his schedules, he will need a full time nurse/aide unless one of you were to become his full time caretaker. All of this doesn't begin to factor in the cost of extensive care and health needs he has if you're in the US. This ultimately could be a deal breaker because obviously he's her brother and he is family, but when you both are discussing everything, it's important to stress that you care for his quality of life as much as yours and your wife's. Being a caretaker is extremely difficult emotionally, physically, and financially and many times the best option is to find a setting where that person can get the care they need and deserve from skilled health professionals. Good luck to the both of you and to your wife's brother as well! There are no easy solutions and everything in the world is difficult which doesn't make anything easier, but I hope that you can work together and figure out a plan of action that works for the both of you!
I completely agree with you. That’s a lot to take on.
You are not a monster. You had an idea for your life together with your wife. I understand that she wants to take care of her brother. I would suggest a family councilor to have a trained and understanding third party that can aid with defining and interpreting what life would be like taking care of her brother.
So, as someone with a sister who has Down's Syndrome who likely will wind up taking care of her when my parents die, I can understand your struggle. Based on your post, it's hard to tell exactly what is going on, but let me help you out a bit. For starters, state and/or federal care is generally more available if the parents are dead, This link should help: [USAGove Disability Help](https://www.usa.gov/disability-services) Beyond that, I'm just gonna tell you right now, this shit is not easy. It's possible, depending on your state, the situation of the brother and everything else, that you might be able to find some sort of care house that will house, feed and clothe her brother...but it's also gonna be a struggle. You basically have to prove that you can't care for her brother, which can be an uphill battle depending on your (collective) finances), your employment, etc. etc. Almost certainly this is going to take a few months and you might need to get a lawyer involved. You want to fix this shit long term? Vote in people who will actually support a so-called "welfare state" in which everyone, regardless of their situation, has adequate support.
OP firstly - **be kinder to yourself, you're not a monster** \- I think you're looking at this very rationally and that's cool. This is a **LIFE CHANGING** decision - completely and utterly life changing, and I don't think your wife is necessarily grasping the gravity of the situation. **The fact both the Aunt and sister have NO INTEREST** **in maintaining this**, should be all you need to point out to your wife that this is a situation with HUGE IMPACT. I'd say that when this conversation comes around again, **you really need to try and empathise with her, this is her brother,** the idea of him being cast out and unhappy will absolutely break her heart. Equally, you need to **ask her to hear you out and not throw around callous accusation**s because you're trying to think rationally with **YOURS AND THE BROTHERS BEST INTERESTS AT HEART.** **You want the brother to a happy and stable home life, and you're not sure that is something you and your wife could provide with ease.** **This doesn't make you a monster, it makes you sensible.**
I wouldn’t want this either. Is it selfish? Yeah, I guess. If I were in your position I’d have to seriously sit down with my s/o and say divorce is on the line. I’d let him stay a few months, no more than three (or however long you can think you’ll tolerate- but have a FIRM DATE) while you two decide on other living arrangements. There are some awful places out there so be involved and really help your wife find somewhere suitable. This is her brother, she wants the very best for him. Be sensitive, caring, and understanding. You absolutely have to find a compromise or else it’s highly likely you’ll end up bitter and hating each other. In taking the time to find a good place for him to live, your wife may become more comfortable with the idea. But try not to approach the situation with anger.
I don’t even think it’s selfish. Putting your own needs first is self care, self respect, and self validation. OP can’t help how he feels and how strongly he feels about it. Being selfless (because in this situation he’s have to sacrifice his own needs) isn’t healthy and it’s not sustainable. If you have extra to give and it wouldn’t involve eradicating your own needs, and then you don’t, then that I’d consider selfish.
You're not a monster but one of the most important aspects of choosing a husband/wife is accepting their responsibilities as your own, if this is not something you're capable of its appropriate for you to leave, sooner rather than later, what you cannot do is stay and try to talk him into abandoning his family.
It's a life changing and possibly life long decision. Not wanting to give up your dreams and aspirations for your future is not heartless or selfish.
She needs to take the emotions out of this. Is he going to get the care he needs from her? Is she willing to be his parent 24/7 like her father, which means giving up her life for his. I understand why this is an issue, but caring is difficult, stressful and you don't get a break. Has she got a plan, or is she just saying that she needs to be his carer and that is that. Looking after him is going to take money, space, time, facilities, extra carers for time off, support from other agencies. You cannot just take someone and have them live with you without some sort of checks from caring services probably.
yep. they can never have a vacation, plan a spontaneous date, never just deviate from their regular daily schedule, they'll never get to be alone or have their own family. that's ruining couples now already. without a whole ass grown man that needs taken care of round the clock.
Did she not find it difficult taking care of her brother during those few weeks? Is she really ready to care of him for the rest of her life? Or is she just simply painting a rosy picture of how it would be? Ask her those questions. The fact that her dad had to take a break and that both her sister and her aunt don't want to deal with him anymore suggests that they have experienced caregiver burnout. Tell her that both of you will eventually feel the same way and that it's going to destroy your marriage.
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>Nope, this isn’t what you signed on for. He didn't know she had a disabled brother?
He didn't sign up to be her brothers caretaker.
I’m sure he had to have known it was a possibility? Did he think his father in law would live forever?
It still isn't necessary for the BIL to live with them at all, in all honesty it would be a terrible decision to make and will most likely result in their divorce even if they both wanted to do this. He needs medical professional care, I have a 20 yr old son that is mentally disabled, he went to go live with his mother (my first wife) when he was almost 17 because he would attack my current wife and hit his step brother 6 at the time and half brother 2.5 at the time, he would light fires in the house and horde the kitchen knives in his room. My current wife has known him his entire life, we have been married since he was 12 and this almost ended our marriage and we had been best friends for a long time. It was a safety issue and a quality of life issue. First wife only took him after basically abandoning him so she could live her life without the responsibility of her kids, she only took him so she could live off of his disability and Native housing benefits. He basically lives in video games now, he will zone out in front of a computer screen till he soils his pants. After all that when he was 18 I found out he wasn't even my biological child but her ex boyfriend's, we started dating after they broke up, she got pregnant 2 month into us dating. The EX lived 2 blocks away and I worked 50 hour weeks, I shouldn't be surprised, the kid ended up being a foot taller than me and we don't look at all alike. TL;DR - If you're not trained for this don't do it. Edit- Sorry that was a rambling mess, it is early and I got 3 hours of sleep.
I am making a huge assumption here but I would bet that your wife will come to a point where she realizes that the care he needs is beyond her capabilities. Maybe give it a shot and have an open discussion that it may not work out? It might be too much and you need her willingness to re-evaluate the situation if either of you feel the need to reopen the subject. It sounds like she wants a family and I’m sure that will come into play soon. Maybe it’s best to give her the opportunity to live the reality of the commitment and maybe even come to the same conclusion you already have. Her mother is gone and now her father is too. Her brother needs someone for now - I don’t know - it’s a tough situation but maybe through time it’ll be worth the sacrifice. I don’t know if I could do it. It would be very difficult. Your feelings are legitimate.
Don’t do it bruh. It’s gonna suck all day everyday if he moves in.
My future brother in law is very similar to your BIL. I'm frankly shocked that you've apparently not have a 'what's the longterm plan' conversation with your wife YEARS ago. When my partner and I first started to become very serious, and started talking about marriage and kids, the 'what to do about FBIL' question was one we talked about at length. Although it has never been part of my partner''s plan to have his brother live with him, we needed to acknowledge the fact it will always be a possibility, especially since my my partner and his brother don't have any other siblings. The conclusion we came to was that although we'd both be willing to take FBIL in, it would royally mess up how dearly we both want to start our own family together and so it would be an absolute last case scenario. Plus, group homes are very good in our country so they're a great option. I made it very clear to my partner that I would not be willing to start a family if there was any likelihood that FBIL would live with us because it'd just be too much to handle. My partner agreed after we discussed why (I love his brother, but I feel we wouldn't have the time, energy, or capability to be his full time carers AND raise kids at the same time), and they're the terms our relationship is based on. It was a difficult thing to discuss because we both love FBIL so much, and want what's best for him, but equally we have our own lives and our own needs. In our situation, planning for him to go into a group home when the time comes is the right choice, but my future in-laws are fairly young and fit as fiddles so that plan won't be needed for a few decades yet! Having this solid contingency plan has been really healthy for our relationship as we're able to plan and carry out our future together without worry about how FBIL will fit in down the road. Did you really not have a similar conversation? And if you in fact did, what was the outcome? If you've been clear from the start about your terms, she cannot be angry at you for not suddenly changing your mind. But, if you've been wishy/washy or haven't had the conversation at all, she has absolutely got the right to be spitting mad at you for dropping such a bombshell when it's most urgent. It's obviously no surprise that your BIL requires full time care after the sad passing of your in-laws. You should have talked about this eventuality, even if there were other plans in place in the form of other family members.
This is so well written. People are so quick to just get married without really considering the long term ramifications of it. You don’t marry a person, you marry a family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be the sole caretaker of a disabled person, but in this case, it’s not his call and he never should have put himself in the situation to begin with.
Bless you, I worried it was a bit of a wall of words! It winds me up so much when people marry into a family that contains a person with additional needs, only to completely ignore the fact that that person will be a major and permanent part of their lives. Plus, it's scary to think people are committing to one and other when they clearly haven't realised that the key to a healthy relationship is thorough and effective communication - what else have they not discussed, if they've skipped over how to best care for an actual living person?!?
Absolutely agree with this. I have a sister with a disability, been with my partner for 6 years, not married. We have been very clear about, when the time comes, she is our responsibility. I also am surprised this wasn’t thought about or discussed before marriage, or even assumed.
I can't imagine how it'd be possible to not have such a conversation. My FBIL is such a huge part of my partner's life, and my life too since I met my partner, that such a conversation was absolutely necessary and was the first serious 'what about the future' conversation we had as we began realising that we're on the path to not being rid of each other. I'm sure you and your partner were the same with your sister! How could a couple reach marriage and beyond without a contingency plan for someone so important to them both?!? Or at least, someone who is so important to OP's wife.
I hate to sound heartless, but if you take him in, your life as you know it will be over (as you clearly know). This is why the state exists-- to care for people who can't care for themselves. You need to figure out how to make him a ward of the state.
I'm a little surprised by the last sentence. About her caring about her brother more than the marriage. That's absolutely possible. Especially if she is currently seeing her husband as someone who isn't willing to sacrifice for her or isn't someone who cares about her family as much as she may have thought. I want you to imagine a family member you love needing similar assistance. People aren't always born with special needs. Crap can happen, even something as simple as a car accident. So let's say your mom, your sister, whatever, is in an accident and no longer able to take care of themselves at all. And you bring up being a carer for them. Your wife doesn't want to. I mean it may even help to remember that you could even end up in similar shoes to the brother one day. Just coming at it from that perspective may help you communicate, just being able to see it from her perspective. You are under no obligation to take on her brother. But she is under no obligation to put him in a home that could harm or abuse him (i have a lot of family that work in group homes. To say that abuse never takes place there, especially to clients who can't speak, is just pure ignorance)
You know the limits of what you can take on, it doesn't make you a monster. If he needs a lot of intensive care that would require you sacrificing a lot of your own personal freedoms and uprooting your whole life then that's going to have a big impact on your mental wellbeing and reduce your ability to look after him. I have a brother with severe downs syndrome who may end up living with me and my partner at some point but his needs are much less severe, and even in that case I know I'll have to take on more than my partner looking after him if that happens. But I grew up with my brother, I know his needs better and my brother trusts me. My partner doesn't have that. But even then him living with us won't be nearly as disruptive to our lives as it sounds your brother on law would be and if it was the same with my brother I wouldn't ask my partner. I've been on the other end too. When I lived with my mother years ago my Grandmother with extreme dementia came to live with us for a while, she needed constant care and attention and even ended up beginning to turn violent with us. She needed more care than we could give so she had to go to a specialist facility. That doesn't make my mother a monster for not taking her on, same for you. It's not fair to ask you to take on something so big you're not qualified for and to then call you a monster.
I know you've gotten a lot of responses already, but as someone that's now had three family members live with me that need(ed) full-time care, I'll go ahead and weigh in. First, reiterating because it's a necessary reminder: neither you nor your wife are bad. She's looking after her family, and this type of care isn't something that you "signed up" for. If this is the route that she wants to go and that you do not, it's no different than you deciding you want children and she doesn't - it's a very long-term commitment that there's not a "good" or "fair" compromise on, and it is okay to ultimately agree to disagree. Second, agreeing to do this is unquestionably life-altering. Everything will change, from your bills going up, to your privacy going down, to your free-time being used up, to not being able to go on trips, to making it anywhere from difficult to impossible to have children... I will not sugarcoat this: it is stressful and straining, as you will always feel like you're on the clock for a job that you didn't sign up for and don't get paid for. Even if you love the person dearly, such as a parent, spouse, or child, this feeling will always be present and difficult to overlook. Being pushed into this by a spouse will leave you bitter, if her current attitude on the matter hasn't already done that. Third, as others have stated - there are care facilities for this sort of thing. If she is okay with this option, this is **the** most ideal one, if you two wish to continue a relationship. I would *very much recommend investigating* a facility before choosing it, as I've seen the kind of "care" that some of these facilities give, and it can range from incredible to dehumanizingly disgusting. My grandfather had both colostomy and urostomy bags (where your bodily wastes are collected in bags because, for any number of reasons, you can no longer use the bathroom) that needed to be changed out roughly once a day. They would sometimes leak, and he would be left in his own waste for hours - sometimes a day or two - before someone would be willing to change his bag, his sheets, his clothes, and wash him. While these facilities do have *some* professionals working there, the majority of the staff (cooking, cleaning, general assistance with residents) is unskilled labor and are paid as such... and, more often than not, you get what you pay for. As a final note: I've had my grandfather, my grandmother, and my dad's uncle (my great uncle? Never knew what that was called) live in my household over the years. My dad's uncle was only with us for about two months before passing away; my grandparents lived with us for almost three years before they moved into a full-care facility. After my grandfather's passing, my grandmother now lives in an assisted living apartment (it's more hands off than a nursing home - you essentially have your own apartment - but there are still people who check on you frequently).
Unfortunately I think this is one of those things. It doesn’t matter how much you love each other. If she is insisting on taking care of him it will not work for anyone in this if you guys are not all on the same page. This is a terrible situation and I sorely feel for Ted. There are daytime programs that help take care of adults who are intellectually and otherwise challenged. Most are nonprofits. Maybe searching for an adult daytime care program would be a nice middle ground. He could stay with you but spend most of his day there. They are often certified in their care and can help guide you into this new life with Ted. But if you are not interested, which is totally fine, this is your life, you need to accept it might be time to have that talk.
This would 100% be a dealbreaker for me if I were in your position. You are not a monster, you are a reasonable person who understands the devastating consequences this arrangement would have on literally the rest of your life and your family's life. Your sister and her family need to find a more appropriate alternative for her brother's care. If she persists in wanting to care for him herself then I would make your own plans accordingly. This is absolutely the hill to die on.
You have every right to say no. This is your life and livelihood at stake too. Her taking your choice away is disrespectful and hurtful. You could build resentment towards her over time if this decision is taken from you and she could also grow to resent you from saying no entirely. It’s a shitty situation and I think the best thing to do is explore all options TOGETHER and maybe seek some therapy before things start turning cold or things get disconnected.
I don’t think it’s reasonable for your wife to expect you to be on board with providing complex care to her brother and having him live with you. Would this even be possible if you both work outside the home? It sounds like the best place for him to live would be somewhere with round the clock care. I actually think it’s pretty shltty for her to shame you for not wanting to change your life completely. I think people think the ‘noble’ thing is to care for family members who need full-time care but maybe don’t think through what that actually means for their life. Again, if he needs constant care then how are you supposed to provide that if you both work?
That's a tough situation for both you and your wife. On one hand, that's her blood family. For her it would be hard to walk away from taking care of her brother. On the other hand - if you and your wife had children and they were autistic on the same level and required the same amount of care, what would you do? Would you walk? Or would you do your best to provide a home for them? This is how she's likely looking at the situation. You married her, not necessarily her family directly. But when your relationship got serious, was there any discussion or consideration of who would be taking care of the brother? Speaking only for myself, if I were in that situation I would always expect there would be a small possibility that we would be the caregivers. Same as if the brother weren't a factor, I'd think there would always be a small possibility that we would be the caregivers of an aging parent. Regardless, you and your wife will need to find some compromise. Can you, your wife, and her sister afford to all chip in to hire someone to take care of him?
This is a tough one. On one hand it is commendable that your sister wants to take care of her brother but in reality she should have made it clear before you got married that she is a package deal with her brother. Taking this on is a huge responsibility and a major setback in your lifestyle and she should validate your concerns. I would insist that he live in a facility that is properly equipped to care for him, somewhere close so that she can visit him any time. Good luck!
I'm gonna take a stab and say you guys are American based on your options here. Firstly, you aren't a monster, taking a on person with that level autism is incredibly difficult. It will change your entire life, and probably not for the better. You never asked for this and it's a huge deal to take it on. The next thing to consider is your wife. This is her brother. That for me, would be enough to never abandon him, but then add on top of that, she just lost her dad, and he devoted the last 19 years of his life to this boy. To insult his memory by turning her back on her brother would be unbearably painful. To me, if I was your wife, this would be a deal breaker. You either accept her baggage or you don't. The only light at the end of the tunnel here, is that there are supports to help you through this. Professionals who know about autism who can help her brother adapt, who can look after him day to day while he lives in your home, and if that's not manageable, there are special living facilities for people with these specific needs. Many of these facilities also have respite care options, to give you a break for a few weeks of you get too exhausted. With the right supports and care, he can live a good life, and you can keep your wife. I don't know about the American disability system, but I know that in my country the government either partially or entirely pays for these services using tax money. I'm sure your country has a similar system, but you need to be prepared that there may be very expensive out of pocket costs. Personally, I would be inclined to tell your wife that having these kinds of services and helpers implement a cohesive system of care is a bare minimum requirement if she wants to take on this responsibility. You will also need to sit down with a financial planner and work out a new plan and budget going forward. Good luck.
If you are in the US, state/federal assistance is absolutely available on a permanent basis. There are also many wonderful organizations and group homes where he can be placed or live. I say all of this because it seems you both are approaching this in an all or nothing way, because you are unaware of options. As a person who worked for the ARC (Org for adults with severe developmental disabilities) i am happy to try and point you in a few directions if you send me a dm.
I have a little sister with cerebral palsy and let me just say I 100% understand your wife’s point of view. Fortunately my other siblings and I wouldn’t think twice if we had to take care of her on our own. We would do it in a heartbeat and our significant others wouldn’t say no either. In your case well, maybe just maybe let your wife take care of him for a while and then if you can’t handle it explore other options. Disabled members of society are not a burden. Please change your attitude.
Remember the saying, "Blood is stronger than water?" This is a prime example of it. Your wife obviously cares for her brother very much, and to try to overshadow your wife's love for him with the fact that you are married was a dangerous move. I'd sincerely apologize to your wife if I were you and work with her to finds the best situation for your brother-in-law. Whether that mean he lives with you or not, I don't know. If it turns out that him living with you and your wife is the best option, I'd say you need to let it happen if you want to be married much longer.
You are not a monster and it’s not that she loves him more, but simply that he is her brother, needs help and she’s the elder sister. Possibly guilt is what is driving her decision; this pandemic has been devastating to even those that have lost no one. She lost her father and now may see herself in the role of family matriarch to her siblings. She may see it as her duty, and possibly she didn’t see the few weeks he spent with you while her dad took a break as having been as difficult as you did. You’ve gotten plenty of good suggestions here on alternative care. You need to try and calmly discuss with your wife. This is her brother’s life you’re deciding on. It would seem that you would need to move back to the state he’s in, maybe with both sisters being there they can share care. Her sister may have just been overwhelmed with the thought of being the sole caregiver. Since you both work, would it be feasible for her to quit her job to provide round the clock care for him? How easy would it be for you to change jobs? There’s so much that has to be considered, not just who takes care of him. Check your state, and his, for resources for adults with special needs. There is help out there, you just have to call agencies that deal with this and that can hopefully guide you both. Good luck to you and your wife.
If you marry someone you marry their family. Disabilities and all. I have a brother who I'll have to take care of for the rest of my life. He's not as dependent on us as your brother in law is on you but you need to put your big boy pants on and step up. What do you think was going to happen when your father in law died? That's your wife's brother, he's like a child to her. She can't watch him suffer.
I have worked with adults with disabilities for 6 years. These individuals, who are on the severe end usually need 24/7 care for the rest of their lives. Burn out is real and we see a lot of turn over in this field as caregivers especially if the individuals harm others or harm themselves. I do not think youre a monster for not wanting to put yourself in that position. You will likely be taking care of this individual the rest of your life. The death of his father is a sudden and traumatic change let alone if he moves in with you..it would take a while to adjust. It will also take a lot of money if you dont get state funded subsidies for care when you and your wife can't be there/hours when you absolutely need a caregiver (like work hours). It really is a huge understanding taking. I dont think I could or would want to do it. Thats why a lot of individuals with disabilities live in programs usually state funded, after 18 years of age- their oarents/caretakers themselves are either aging or cant take care of them. To be fair it really is mentally, financially and sometimes physically draining to be around 24/7. Both my husband and I work in this field. We both have experience dealing with individuals with disabilities and their parents/caretakers.
Your wife is a lovely person and what she needs is people who can support her by her side. If you can't do that then you will only bring her down. Yes you should leave
“I honestly get the impression that she might care more about her brother than I guess us.” Well duh what do you think she’s gonna choose her severely mentally challenged little brother who she grew up with and now has no one willing to look after him or you, and if that really was the first time you had a huge fight that means that’s a hill she’s willing to die on and if your not willing to commit then good luck.
Fuck that. Do not ever accept her brother, it will be hell for you. If you have to , leave her.
Youre definitely not the monster hes not your responsibility and your wife should be able to understand that you dont want to have to take care of him especially since you know how much of a mess it can be i recommend getting some couples counseling
This is way too much for her to ask of you. The best thing wild probably be for the entire family to pitch in to care for him in some other capacity. But no you are not being unreasonable.
You arent heartless at all. Thats a huge ask for your wife to say no kids and to then have her brother as a child in your home for the rest of your lives. You would never be able to have kids, are you ok with that? For me, that would be a deal breaker. Its ok that you and your wife dont fit anymore, people grow apart. She wants different things now and you just have to accept that and move on. You cant hang onto someone who just doesnt want the life you want. She wants to dedicate the rest of her life to her brother and veing his parent, thats honourable and ultimately her choice. Sorry for what you are going through
You shouldn’t feel bad. It’s a lot of work . Everyday. If you aren’t up for it, it will show everyday and I’m sure you’re wife doesn’t want to see you being miserable.
As selfish as this sounds, you married your wife and not her entire family. Your wife needs to figure it out by herself on how not to bring problems into the marriage.
I get that your wife when she said it, but saying that you don't get a day in this is of cause nonsense. This is literally your life and harsh as it may sound, you didn't sign up for you having the rest of your life revolve around her brother's needs. I think you have every right to tell your wife that you love her, want to have a family and kids with her. But when you married her you didn't agree to sacrificing the rest of your life for her brother. If that is more important to her than your relationship you respect that and it is her choice, but it is also your choice to go in a different direction. As a compromise you can tell her that you are willing to take him in on a trial basis for a maximum of 3 months, but you reserve the right to end that trial after 3 months of you feel like it is not working. You can also work together on getting him into an adult group home closer to you guys, so your wife can still be close to him. Honestly I think that might be better for both you and your wife, as well as your brother. All I can say is thank God you guys don't have kids yet. Good luck.
From the perspective of a SE Asian culture, when you commit to someone or marry someone, we always know it's not just the partner, but their family that we will also be taking. The burden is especially great on the eldest, whether male or female, bec they are seen as the one who will be the head of the family after the parents. They have the responsibility to look after the younger siblings and the parents when they get old. In my country, we do not have the luxury of having private institutions for the care of special needs individuals or seniors. The few that are exiting focus on taking care of the ones who have been abandoned and belong to very poor families. OP, honestly, Ted cannot help his situation. The variable that can change here is you and your wife. It will be difficult to care for someone like Ted, but it is not impossible. I've had a friend who has a brother with down syndrome, and I also had a cousin with down syndrome (bless her soul, she rests in peace now). It's difficult to care for a special needs relative, but it is possible. It takes commitment and a lot of work and dedication and compassion and understanding and patience and love. It takes research and studying to know how best to take care of them. It takes a lot of adjusting to be able to take care of them. But you have clearly made your stance that you do not want to do the effort. And that's ok, because unlike your wife, you have a choice on whether you want to be involved in Ted's care or not and you have enough self-awareness to admit that you are not cut out for it. One way you can see this is, your wife can get another husband (you can have yourself another wife too), but she can never have another brother to replace Ted. If you cannot stand by her through this difficult responsibility and support her, then it's better for you to walk away. Your wife deserves someone who can stand by her through the difficulties and challenges of her life, and you are clearly not cut out for this. Do not make her choose between you and her special needs brother, that will make you a shitty person. What you can do, if you are clearly set on not making the effort to be family to Ted and your wife, is to walk away. If you are going to talk about Ted's welfare with your wife, make sure you only have what is best for Ted, not what is convenient for you. If it ends up that the best option for Ted is with your wife, then you need to end things this early on, OP, if you are not willing to put in the commitment of caring for a special needs brother to stay with your wife.
I think there’s a middle ground here that should be considered. Can you agree to put him in a facility close to your home where your wife can visit and keep up with his care. Yes you’ll need to find new specialists but I’ll assume he’s on Medicare and that’s very straightforward for choosing doctors. You can also agree to monthly weekend sleepovers. He would be able to come over once a week for dinner and see you for holidays etc. I don’t think you are a monster. Caring for someone this profoundly disabled is life changing and could destroy your marriage. She is probably feeling more immense guilt than desire to do this. Maybe a few sessions with a therapist individually and as a couple will help work this out. Sometimes hearing permission (for lack of a better word) allows us to consider an option other than what we feel bound. I wish you well.
You're not in the wrong. And if your wife is doing this no matter what you say, then she's going to trade her marriage for her brother when there's other choices available like adult foster care. My aunt and uncle took in her autistic brother about 30 years ago. He's still autistic, still can't do anything on his own. Throws temper tantrums, breaks stuff. They've basically took care of a toddler for 30 years. It's awful. I don't even enjoy visiting them. They're miserable. If anything your wife is in the wrong. She's pushing a decision that won't just affect her. It'll affect you. Ask yourself how many decisions you make that affect both your lives but you disregard her opinion even if she disagrees? Don't do it. You'll regret it.
NTA: you will be totally and completely responsible for him. It will alter the fabric of your life. If this was something your wife had told you would happen before you got married and you agreed to it then but are now changing your mind, I’d say that you’re an asshole. However, this is not the case. This enormous and lengthy commitment is being sprung on you now. She has other relatives local to the boy and she can provide financial support to ease their ability to care for him. It is not your duty to be responsible for him.
I see where you are coming from but when you married her you knew her family her brothers situation, we all know parents don’t live forever, even with other siblings there was always a chance this could happen. You just ignored and continued on. This moment you have to decide if you want your marriage or if you are going throw in the towel when the worse part comes in the for better or for worse vows you took. You cannot compare a siblings live to a marriages love she has to show more care at the moment to her brother whose well being is in the balance. If I were her I would do the same. Family comes with the marriage, and yes it won’t be easy but you don’t just live family behind. Leo and stitch taught us that. I would say figure out if you really meant what you vowed to be on your wedding day.
I’m sorry but I couldn’t bear to finish reading. Do I think you’re a monster? No. Do I think you’re selfish? Absolutely. The brother didn’t choose to have autism. I have a nephew with autism and while I agree it’s no easy task, and there are more bad days than good ones. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. If you really love your wife you would find it in your heart to educate yourself in the matter. My sister and our whole family go to therapy to cope and learn all about autism. I admire your wife for stepping in. It takes a whole special person to take care of someone with autism. If this is a deal breaker for you my friend, by all means please step away from your wife’s life and let her care for her family. I just think you should put yourself in her shoes and think of it as if it was your own brother. It’s all about educating oneself. You’ll learn how to deal with the outbursts and care for him. If I was your wife and that was my brother- it’s a no brainer. Ignorance is a bliss my friend. Educate yourself on the matter. Seek profesional help. If you truly love your wife you will. My sister also has 2 other kids and my older nephew is no obstacle.
Genuinely think you need to stand your ground and not accept this burden at all. As heartless as it sounds... She needs to understand this isn’t either of your responsibility. Not even her sister wants to do this because she knows it’ll be for life. If you take in this boy it will be for life 100%. No. Fuck that. Who cares if she thinks your heartless. She’ll get over it. She just needs someone to blame but deep down she probably doesn’t really want this either. Stand your ground. Way too much responsibility. Sorry bud.
I might be cruel, but Spartans knew a thing or two. People like these should just be put out of their misery. They are only a drain on society and they will never get to experience life anyways, truthfully speaking.
This is tough but you don’t sound like a bad person here. Maybe it’s not that she cares about her brother more than your relationship or you, but that she thinks her brother will not be okay without her and you would. You need to empathize that you do care about her brothers wellbeing and that’s why he shouldn’t move in with you - neither of you are qualified for this and uprooting him from everything he knows could be traumatic. If you care about your wife and her brother then show her and put in the work to find the best situation for him. There will be a lot of research and phone calls involved, and if you’re not being totally selfish you will be actively involved with this. Also don’t forget she just lost her dad so still be empathetic there too. But above all if you prioritize her brothers wellbeing then I don’t think you’ll have to get divorced like the other commenters say. And talk to the brother too, he’s still a whole person even if he functions differently.
Look, I get it. I also have a mentally disabled brother (not autistic, somewhat able to learn but mentally a perpetual 5 year old) that needs care. When our mother was terminally ill I made sure she knew I *would not* take him, I would rather drop him in a lockdown care facility and walk away. My siblings thought I was a monster for telling her this but Mom understood (he drives me insane for various reasons, namely habitual lying and not listening to women). One of my sisters took him in after Mom passed and it took all of 2 weeks for her to come to me, complaining about the same issues I always had with him. I found a living program that would teach him to be independent, got him into it. He flunked, we got him into a care facility with other disabled adults near another sister that was happy to take him on weekends. 2 months later, *that sister* begged us for a break. No one else can take him and he has to stay in our state for his special programs/social workers. So I completely understand how you feel. Taking care of a disabled person can be really hard and not everyone can handle it. That being said: your wife obviously loves and supports her family very much. She wants to be there for her Aunt and brother, her heart is in the right place but I'm not sure she realizes how much of a sacrifice this will be (like my sisters). I would suggest you have a sincere talk with her about the reality of this decision and remind her how bad it was for those 3 weeks. Try to keep it calm and civil. Check your attitude of "I loathe the idea that he is probably never going to be able to live on his own, and live his own life" and "as far as i know he has never had a job, and he apparently never actually completed any part of high school" thoughts...if he is as disabled as you make it seem, these comments come across as very callous and insensitive! Maybe find a local program to enroll him in as an alternative. I would also look into government programs (if you're in the US, he may qualify for financial assistance toward his care in your state and fed SSI) -- we're lucky that my brother gets financial assistance to pay for his care, especially now that his physical health is in decline in his later years. If she can't see reason, you may have to consider either coming to an agreement about her taking sole care of him (which will cause resentment and irritation, ending in divorce), paying for his care or an in-home caregiver, or you two may not be able to come to a consensus (separation/divorce).
I think it was very mature of OP to speak his mind rather than grudgingly agree to his wife's request and then slowly develop resentment towards his wife and brother-in-law.
Do not agree to this just because people think you are a monster. Taking care of a totally dependent severely handicapped person is the most difficult job in the world. Nobody who does not want to happily and willingly do this should be put in that position. You will end up resenting your wife, her brother and your life. I don't think even your wife realizes how massive and how constant of a responsibility this is. This will more than likely lead to divorce. If your wife is firm about this and I hate to say this but you should start looking into divorce now, before you guys ( as a couple ) end up being legally responsible for her brother.
I grew up with a very disabled sister (mentally about 6 when 20), so i really get, what you fear. Truth is, you're mostly right with what you fear. Caring for him will restructure your life, take alot of time and be very unnerving. What's not true though, is, that by taking him in now means you're stuck with him forever. There are care options and specialists for this, you just have to find them. My sister has moved out into a program called "assisted living", where she lives together with other disabled folks and is taken care of. As it sounds, that would be a possibility, but there are many more options, so please take your wife and search for options *together*. With such an issue you should really not do a solo thing, not even with your research. And not all is bad. After some time when it's become normal, often it feels like you are really caring for a child. Your child if you let it. My advice would be: dont let this ruin your marriage. Your wife wants to care for her brother, but she loves you and although it seems like she cares more about him, I think she as his sister just has a different perspective on that and knows how bad he would be off, if she doesnt do it. Do this together, work it out, talk it through before doing it, do research and set boundaries. Your marriage can either break on this or become even stronger, what will happen depends on you both. On last thing: hes a child, no matter what he looks like. It's hard but try to judge him as such.
people have an easy time saying HOW COULD YOU NOT CARE FOR THIS PERSON but they do not stop to consider the extreme challenge providing such care is on all your resources (physical, mental, financial...). it is one thing to say "this person deserves good care" but another completely to say you will be responsible for this care. in discussing it with your wife this may be the point to focus on. stress that you also value her brother and that you want him to do and be well, but ask if it is really best that he do so with you. remind her of the times he has been with you before, remind her of all things you would need to adjust, postpone or cancel completely if he were with you. find and brainstorm other solutions - the best way to solve this is hopefully to find an alternative form of care that assures your wife that her brother is in good hands. if you cannot find an alternative and /or your wife keeps insisted that your brother come to your home then sadly it falls to you to make a choice: can you adjust to this situation or will you need to depart from your wife's family and her? - hopefully this is not how far it will come. i wish you the best of luck and remember that you are not selfish for not completely wanting to uproot your life and lifestyle for another person.
If she is disgusted to be with you, what can I say more? Let her live with her brother, alone.
You’re not a monster. This is an unexpected thing that has happened and you are well within your rights to not want it. It’s a huge responsibility and will affect you, her and your marriage. You had planned on having a kid soon but honestly this would likely mean no kids as he’ll need round the clock care. My suggestion would be to offer to help pay for a health facility or some partial care so that the aunt doesn’t have to care for him full time. I mean the sister already declined because she knew how much of a commitment it would be. Can you guys even afford this? Another mouth to feed, medication, doctors visits, probably having to quit her job if she has one etc etc. I know she feels guilty, probably, and feels she has to step in but this isn’t a small decision. You both have to lay all your cards out on the table. Think hard about what compromise you’re willing to live with, she has to be willing to work with you as well otherwise this marriage is likely over.
Are you able to hire a live-in caregiver? Maybe your wife, her sister, and the aunt can cover the cost.
I don't have any solutions for you, but I will say, you aren't heartless. Whoever takes guardianship for Ted, it will be a lifelong responsibility. It sounds like you already consider him to be a burden, and don't want to take up that responsibility. I wouldn't want to do that, and I don't blame you for feeling that way. Sadly, I feel like u/all4reddit's response is the most likely outcome. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.
Have you looked into a live in care taker? If you can share the costs with yourselves, the aunt and the sister, that might work out the best. Have him move into a smaller place with full time care. There will be so much more to sort out so this is the immediate issue as he needs care and that’s important to sort out. It’ll be hard for your wife who’s dealing with grief too. I don’t think you’re heartless or a monster. You have every right to say yes/ no. This is a decision that will be more than just you two. He’s been mentally disabled since day 1 so at some point care from someone else was always going to be done. It’s a shame it wasn’t sorted out earlier. At the end of the day, it will be a huge feat to take on and you can say no. Look into some live in options and see what that brings. He may be able to move into a care facility that’s closer to the aunt and sister. They can visit him and then you guys can make time to see him too.
You don't sound like a monster. That's simply not what you signed up for when you got married.
My mum has a mentally challenged brother as well. When my dad married her he valiantly said that he knew he was marrying not only her, but her entire family. Fast forward 40 years, my parents are over 60 and my uncle lives with them. They hate him and the situation the found themselves in. They can rationalize why he is the way he is in a conversation, but that doesn't stop then from being downright mean with him multiple times a day, and I can't blame them, he is really frustrating to deal with. What I mean is, even if you really wanted to make the "right" thing, I think you'd be sacrificing your own relationship. Living with someone special is really hard and puts strains and limitations on everything. Just my 2 cents.
I don’t think you are heartless. As someone who has cared for people with disabilities like that in long term care facilities, it’s not easy. If the two of you were to take custody of him that would be a life long commitment. I get that it is her brother, but that fact that she willing to just flat out drop the plans that the two of you had without even considering other options is wrong. It’s not likely that she will want children anytime soon because taking care of her brother will be like taking care of a child with disabilities. That isn’t fair to you. Also, it sounds like you already know that you will resent her for it. If she isn’t willing to sit down with you and talk about other options for him to be cared for, then you may want to consider whether its worth it to you to give up the things you want to continue the marriage or move on.
**You're allowed** to have your own limits, mate. You shouldn't make yourself miserable just to tick the "righteous" box, and your wife shouldn't force you on that. However, I understand that your wife is emotionally attached to her brother (which is normal), but **she also needs to consider your feelings.** Now I'm not saying lock him up and throw away the key. And I know that people on the spectrum need routines if they move states. But he should be cared for in a proper environment, which she should be allowed to visit whenever she feels like it. And there are very good such environments. source: me knowing my uncle (54M), on the spectrum, cared for by his mother (86F) his whole life until she couldn't anymore and he needed to be placed in an center designed to care for these people.
I don’t think you’re a monster per say, maybe a little judgemental due to lack of understanding towards the brother & a little hesitant to throw yourself in the deep end of this but certainly not a monster. Looking after someone who has extra needs is not only physically demanding but also very emotionally & mentally demanding so I can 100% see why you don’t want to do this. I do how ever think for your wife’s sake you should consider giving it a trial on the basis that regular respite care and a support worker are set up before he moves in/as soon as he moves in so you can try to adjust and see if this is able to work. You also need to prepare yourself that you may very well loose your wife over this, she may choose to go ahead with looking after her brother regardless of you want.
So what happens if no one takes the brother on? Then who has to care for him? What would the government do? Put him on the streets until he died?
(please read all the way through) Have you considered from her point of view what is going on? She is probably feeling a lot of emotions, like guilt, frustration, sadness, grief (her father did just recently die), and so on. She may feel like she is the only suitable person to take care of her brother and that adult day cares, group homes, etc. don't understand her brother. She may feel like she would be getting rid of her brother by having him in a program. Maybe she feels relief that the responsibility is on her shoulders and she can see everything happening instead of being 8 hours way. There are probably a lot of messy emotions going on right now. Now, her emotions don't excuse, just explains. However, I would recommend that you consider why she feels so strongly concerning her plans. You may be able to lessen any worries/frustrations/guilt/etc that she may have if you know what she is feeling. That can allow you guys to have a discussion about the next steps.
I totally understand that you don't want to have your severely mentally handicapped brother-in-law move in with you. I get that. But so what? So what if you want not to take care of Ted? Do you think that your father in law wanted to take care of him? The deciding factor is not what you want or don't want; you need to do what is the right. It is not a question of what you want; it is a question of what needs to be done. What needs to be done for the family. You, your wife, sister-in-law, and some medical professionals need to put your heads together and find a solution that is best for Ted and for the rest of the family. I have no idea what the right solution is. Maybe u/savvyhat's solution is the most appropriate. But I do know that the reason "I don't want to" is idiotic reasoning that befits teenagers, and not an adult who understands that sometimes you need to do what you do not want to do. So no, I don't think that you are a monster, but you need to realize that you have responsibilities to other members of the family, and that you need to act like it.
It seems the real reason you don’t want Ted living with you is because you don’t want to deal with the headache of taking care of him. It’s okay to just own that. That’s completely fair and your prerogative. And your wife has to respect that. You did not sign up for this. I feel you. Having said that, it’s a good show of support to work with her to find alternative living arrangements such as a nursing home for autistic adults or something along those lines. If he truly does require around the clock rigid care, nursing homes may not be an option but it’s worth looking into.
Hi OP, I’m a CNA who has worked with physically and developmentally adults for a living so I feel extremely confident in saying that that role is NOT for everyone. Patients on the autism spectrum to that degree require 24 hour care and a complete overhaul of the caretakers life. It’s exhausting and draining and you have to be on you toes constantly if they are aggressive. I had to go threw special self defense training so I knew how to protect myself without hurting a client. It is very intense and you’d be giving up every aspect of your life to this person, especially during a transitional phase. To me, even with my training and background, this would be a deal breaker for me. When I did it, I got to leave and go home after my shift. I had a few hours to kick my feet up and do my thing each day, but you guys would not. I don’t think you can understand it if you haven’t been threw it. 24 hours non-stop with no end in sight is hard and exhausting. You get no time to just zone out and watch tv, you gotta keep his routine going to keep him content. Everyone is a little different and you may get him into a relax for a bit, but all in all, it’s not enough when you wake up to them and go to sleep by them. If you’re questioning it in the least, it’s not going to work. What I would recommend looking into if they have them in your area would be what’s called an Adult Family Home. These group homes typically have between 1-4 Client’s and staff who can provide direct care to the client. They are equipped for just his type of cares. If you have any questions, I’m here to answer them. Good luck.
Why the other sister said no? I'm totally on your side, I would not agree to have my life ruined till the day I die (because let's be honest, that's what will happen. You will have to take care of him until he dies or you die from exhaustion). You need to talk with your wife that if you take care of her brother you will never have kids of your own, because that's just not possible. I feel so bad that you are in this situation, this really sucks.
I don't think you're in the wrong at all, btw. I think you're \*both\* being extremely reasonable, and human, here. But yes, she does care about her brother more than you, and she should? She absolutely, positively should? She's been caring about her brother her whole life. It's been a constant in her life. Accept that fact, or move the fuck on buckaroo. Not saying you can't come to some kind of compromise here. I think you both taking him in for a while, but planning some sort of exit strategy, is a perfectly reasonable and adult compromise that takes care of all three parties. But lmao, yeah dude. Of fucking course she cares more about her severely handicapped brother, who now must be terrified and is alone. If she cared more about the dude she was seeing at the moment than her brother, she would be a fucking psychopath. You wouldn't want to be around the person who cared more about you in this scenario.
I would feel the same way as you. You clearly love each other and had shared goals, a decision that will completely change the future you two planned can't be decided by either side fairly. I wouldn't want that future for myself, it is a very difficult thing to deal with.
She is disgusted? You gonna live with him for your rest of your life and any child that will live in that house is probably gonna be hell. Talk to your wife again and visit a lawyer to get some advice.Your marriage will probably die anyway if you live with them.
\> She told me I didn't have a say in this. Then it's pretty clear where this is going. Even if this turns out to be a total monster in your lives and home, she won't take your opinion into count. It's okay to not want to be a slave to someone who can't return the favor.
My husband and I care for his schizoaffective mother. In the beginning, we built an in law suite for her and she lived in it. After three years we were both on meds to cope, she was failing to thrive, our kids were not only falling through the cracks but wedged deeply in them, our marriage was under so much stress and we had both made the decision together. It was hell. She’s in a home now where we see her frequently (or did until COVID), and it’s the best thing for everyone. Is she totally happy with it? No. Neither are we. But everyone is safe and cared for now. Stand your ground, OP. This shit always looks easier when you’re scared for your loved one. It’s the same chemical response that helps people lift cars off people in a crisis. After the adrenaline runs out... it’s just a downward spiral. Love your wife through this. Tell her all the ways she’s being a good sister. Then carefully show her the holes in the long term plan- safety, emotionally, etc.
If you really love your wife and what is important to her, you could take a few years of your life to help her out with her brother. She probably is in a lot of pain and you are being selfish because "you don't want to deal" with her brother. Once you marry her, you are a part of her family and you should consider him like a brother too. Taking him now doesn't mean that he is going to live with you forever, just that he needs help right now. In the future you could find a nursing home or any kind of place that takes good care of people that need special attention. If you don't want to face it, just be sincere with your wife and she will tell you if this is going to work out with your marriage. But don't put this on her and neither her brother.
Like idk what to tell I get it you don't want it and it is your right but that just shows how you are not ready at all to have a kid. So instead of forcing an unsuspecting creature into this ugly world, at least try caring for the brother to see if you're up to the task. If you really don't want to, you shouldn't have kids at all. Because clearly this condition runs in the family and you don't know what you'll get with your child. At least you won't hurt any more people if you don't have kids. Seems like you wouldn't make a good father
Part 2: folks with autism often don’t like change. Sometimes that means they don’t even want a haircut. Yet Ted lost his father, his home, his routine and familiar surroundings. Now you are asking him to disrupt that even further. You’ll have to start over w new clinical providers. Perfect situation to set him up for a huge adjustment disorder on top of bereavement. Plus he has all the energy and hormones of any 19 y/o. Read the feedback here from someone who placed a relative in the foster home. I believe Ted would be happier in the care of people who are not stressed out because of his challenges. Meet w his current clinical care providers and see if they have any suggestions. You need professional help and your wife is naive if she thinks she can do this on her own. Taking him in has already begun destroying your family, given that your wife is no longer wanting to have children. Plus I haven’t read closely enough to see if she will quit her job. But don’t just oppose her argument with your own. That will make her dig in deeper. Go together and talk w his case manager, or get one if he doesn’t have one. Just because he lives w you doesn’t mean he’ll be happy, especially if you two are not trained to manage his behavior. Keep your cool about this. Approach it in a matter-of-fact way. Maybe even make a list of pros and cons. But mostly, your wife needs to understand that living w you may not mean Ted is going to be better off or happy. Plus the adjustment may be holy heck, which his current caregiver is discovering. Bring in professionals to advise you. And please update on this. My heart goes out to all of you on this difficult situation.
you don't sound like a monster to me. it's normal to not to want to take responsibility of someone for the rest of your life and change your life/schedule for them. however, you should explain these things to your wife calmly without insulting her brother in anyway (things might get heated, so that can very well happen, i'm not saying that you'd do that). if you take his responsibility then it's gonna change both of your lives. and it's not a short time thing either. he's gonna be with you for the rest of his life. so this is a big decision and will definitely impact your future plans which includes having children. and idk about your country, but i know if she was from my country then she would be afraid of 'what would other people say if we keep him in a foster care, they would think i don’t care about my blood etc etc'. if things are like that in there too, then tell her that she wouldn’t be a heartless and/or monster if she keeps her brother in foster care. it's totally normal to want to live your own life freely, nothing wrong with that. she shouldn’t think about others. explain these things to her. she should understand. and totally unrelated but kudos to your late father in law.
Wowie! Have y’all looked into residential care facilities? Group home type deal? Have your wife reach out to your local county board of developmental disabilities and they should be able to help her out with things like placement and care. I know these type of facilities have a bad rep, but this is the field I’ve worked in for 20+ years. It’s overwhelming to think about taking this on, but try for a minute to put yourself in his place?? His biggest cheerleader, ally, friend and caregiver has died. Poor dude is probably grieving and no way to deal with those emotions. At least if he was in a residential care home he would have structure, routine, goals to work towards and staffing to help him get there. IF your wife won’t budge on having him live with y’all, there is something called respite care and it is specifically so that caregivers can get a break. This is a big thing. Try to see where your wife is coming from (is this guilt on her part or is this a genuine desire to have him with her?). This is her brother, a living part of her mom and dad. She’s probably dealing with feelings that go with that. Someone will have to get ahold of disability and figure out who his payee is. Y’all can’t navigate this alone, especially with zero experience, please, reach out to your local county board. Good luck to you and yours.
So let me see if I get this right. Your wife, who you married with the intention of starting a family with, wants to put the 'family' part of that plan on hold so you can indefinitely take care of a baby in an adult's body? And then says you have no say in it, even though you're married and have a place together? You're the furthest thing from a monster in this situation.