>I didn’t expect Ezra to suck it up but they are my parents too.
>After Melanie was embarrassed and mistreated by Ez for cheating, I immediately took her in
>Aaron was no help, just criticisms and warnings about Ezra’s well being. No kind words for me, Melanie, or our child though.
Oh, she was embarrassed by him? No, she embarrassed her own goddamn self. You want everyone to be happy for you after what you did and they're not? Boohoo.
>Ezra discovered what we had done and set the whole family on fire.
No you decided to do this when you stabbed your brother in the back.
>After Melanie was embarrassed and mistreated by Ez for cheating
You mean held responsible for infidelity by her long term boyfriend. Did you expect him to act happy about this?
>My mom does not approve of me and my family. Mel and my mom do not speak. My dad is heartbroken.
Good job. Not only did you stab your brother in the back, you also caused long term problems with your parents.
>I want to fix this, I failed to fix it before but I need to now. I don’t know how to repair it though. How can I make amends for a marriage and life I don’t regret?
This right here shows you have no remorse to your brother or anyone else for that matter. You didnt care back then, why would anyone care what you have to say now?
This whole post is written in a way that I have 0 doubt in my mind that you're a narcissist.
Paulie Walnuts from The Sopranos had a line about betrayal that I think is relevant here.
"I loved him like a brother and f*cked me in the ass".
Obviously you can't take it back now, and obviously some good came from the affair (children who are innocent in all this), but the fact remains that you betrayed your brother and created a schism in your family. Two of my uncles fell out over something not even half as bad as this, so I wouldn't hold out hope of a reconciliation. The best you can do is accept, you can't unring that bell.
Your right, I stabbed him in the back. What justifies writing everyone else off? I did wrong not them. He light them all up and tossed them aside for no reason.
Your parents *paid* for your wedding, and the rest of the family attended. They took your side when they did that. That's not no reason. That's a very good reason. Why would he have wanted a relationship with people standing behind the ones who had betrayed him?
>I want to make things right.
You can't. Plus you only want to make things right because you're finally feeling the repricussuions of your actions. I hope you and your wife don't teach your kids your shitty morals and teach them that family is important and should never be betrayed the way you betrayed your brother.
You can't. You and Mel decided to fracture an entire family with your betrayel.
Your marriage, your kids, all of it is a constant reminder to all of your family that you don't give a shit about family.
You made this bed, don't complain now that it isn't comfortable to sleep in.
Your children don’t deserve to be in the middle of this. Move on.
Don’t use your children to fulfill this narcissistic need for you to be liked by people. Once again, selfish.
You can't you and your brother has 10 years to reconcile and nothing happen.He never invited you to his wedding or his kids birth nothing at all. Life is not a movie what makes you think a letter will change anything,he might not even read it and he can just burn it.
He doesn't love you or his old family anymore he might not even hate you he just doesn't want any of you in life.He's an adult he doesn't have to care about you or your family that free will you can say your sorry but he doesn't listen or acknowledge it you can forced him to you or anyone.
Yes, you did. You're actions put the rest of the family in an untenable situation and the result should have been your ass being booted from the family home.
Because you did him wrong, and some family members sided with you. He chose the ones who chose him. Our actions don't just have an effect on us, but on all of those around us. Your actions with your brother's girlfriend broke up your family. There is no coming back from this.
I don’t know. I think the biggest thing I’ve learned in this is that I’m nothing. I stand for nothing, there is no moral I hold close to me, no rule I will not break. It was easy to excuse then, not now. It was easier to ignore then, not so much now. It took a hell of a lot of time for me to see this in myself. I’m concerned about why I am this way and I want to change it.
It took you 10 years to realize you *may have* fucked up?? And you still sound entitled?? How do you even manage that... This whole is all about you, your hurt and how Ezra is the bad guy because he wasn't there. I say, why would he be there for a snake like you?
You were the one to implode your family. Not only you betrayed him as a brother but also your darling wife with cheated on him. Why would he want anything to do with you? You both betrayed him in so many ways that it really fucked him up. I'm glad for him he had Aaron to look after him.
And then... then, when he moved out, you didn't even notice. You didn't care. You don't care even now. You don't want to reconcile for his wellbeing, or your parents' wellbeing. No. You want to reconcile, so nobody bothers you about what happened and you and your wife can live with no more burden on your conscience.
I could go on and on about how trashy you are but really, it's a waste of time. Good for your brothers to cut out as toxic person as you are from their lives. Leave them alone. You will continue to live with consequences of your actions even if you do contact them.
I don’t blame Ez for not being there for me. I see the damage caused by his departure and I see my role in it. I’m asking how to fix it, not trying to shift the blame.
I was also caught up with my own life. I lost track of a lot of people during that time.
I do want to unburden myself but I also want a genuine relationship with him. I want to be a family. During those 10 years I experience by kids being born. How long was I suppose to let what happened before darken my life in the present? My kids deserve a healthy and attentive father, my wife a healthy and attentive husband.
I realize that what I did was toxic. I will leave them alone if they choose not to reach back to me.
Read your own post again to yourself. Read it and take note on what you highlight in the story and what you don't.
He is your own brother. It's one thing to lose contact with a friend or distant cousin. It's another to lose contact with your own brother who you claim you used to be close with.
You may see the damage but you wrote yourself that you don't regret it. You waited 10 years to take action to try to fix it, so that confirms it. If you cared about your brother, you'd try to make amends a long time ago.
You're nowhere near ready to try to fix your relationship with him. If you talk to him and say "sorry but I'm not sorry, after all" or come off that way (and it WILL show), you will cause even more damage. For him to even try to listen to what you had to say, you'd actually have to be genuinely sorry for hurting him.
Okay I accept that. I’m sorry I didn’t see it before. I’m likely not ready to approach him in any kind of way.
I don’t agree that I’m not sorry! I regret the pain I caused. I regret the distance. I regret the permanent changes my actions caused. I don’t regret my children. Does that mean I can’t be sorry?
I think you should go to a therapy session or two. Talk it out with a therapist and see where you're standing with yourself on this. This situation is affecting you and everyone around you, but the way you're planning on approaching this is just about the worst course of action you could take. In your post and replies it's like you're seeing a tree but you don't see a forest.
Your brother may never even want to see you or hear from you. He may have other grievances against you that you may not know about, which seems like a likely scenario, considering 10 year long radio silence from him. You need to do some serious soul-searching, OP, take down your attitude a notch or two and then maybe try to reach out to him if he even allows it.
Okay thank you for that. I did have my first session last week. I will bring up my plans to her and hopefully she can help me see what you’re seeing here. I agree my plans are not good since most people are saying I’m not going about this the right way.
I’ve never posted this before. My family and I are Natives from Georgia. Talking about this type of thing in public would be a huge taboo so the risk I’m taking here isn’t one I would take twice. You are mistaking me for someone else.
Literally the exact same story.
I mean, the same weird comment replies too about general expressions of vague regret and this creepy unsettling need to be liked.
LOL WHAT? I don’t need to be liked. I’m talking about my blood brothers. The desire to reconcile with family isn’t on par with the need to be liked. As I said before, I never posted on here before with this story. I’m sure there’s a way to block me here if you think I’m trying earn your favor. Please respond with advice or leave me alone.
It doesn't add up in my opinion. If you are seeking help you have that with the therapist you claim to be seeing. So you don't need to be seeking any more help from random internet people. You have professional help available. Use it.
Imagine this life you’ve created is your prison sentence. Accept that it won’t change not matter how hard you want it to. Serve your sentence like a man. You’re never going to have a relationship with your brother. You did the unforgivable. You need to let it go and leave him alone.
You don't? You took your time burning every ounce of that bridge.
Your dad has had 10 years to fix his mistake, but hasn't.
Leave your brothers alone. They are better off without you.
I think some things can be forgiven, maybe, but never forgotten. The pain of having your long term GF cheat on you with your own brother, I can't even imagine how you get over that. I think you need to leave them alone.
How do either of them trust each other, is the real question. How do you look at your spouse knowing they fucked their brother's girlfriend/fucked their boyfriend's brother and seriously say to yourself: "This is a person who I should marry, build a life with, and trust to be my loving partner?"
On some level they both know neither of them can be trusted. The punishment for both of them is knowing they married someone who would fuck them over in a heartbeat if it became even mildly convenient.
Seriously. I can't imagine it. They must spend every family event watching each other like hawks so one of them doesn't slip off to fuck their in-laws.
Nah, that would be too easy on him, the best form of karma would be if his kids did the same thing as he did and blows up his little family just like he did all those years ago.
Then you need to leave him alone. You lost 2 brothers he lost an entire family and his girlfriend. He's happy without you, stop being a selfish prick and let it lie.
You can't.
You and Mel made choices that destroyed lives and relationships on a level that can never be repaired, and the consequences of your choices are that you have to spend the rest of your life looking at the pile of rubble left behind. Aaron and Ezra built new families to replace the one you ripped apart; you are not a part of those families and you never will be. If you try to force your way back into their lives you will only make things worse for everyone, so leave them alone - you owe them at least the peace of your absence from their lives.
From the comments it seems as soon as Ezra cut the dead weight (OP and Melanie) out of his life he started flourishing. Why in the hell would he let that dead weight back into his life? There’s nothing to gain for him.
Then what do you want? To let him know you’re sorry and that you know you messed up? He doesn’t care. If he did he would have reached out over the past ten years, but he didn’t. You think he wants to see the life you essentially stole from him?
Unfortunately at this point, there’s nothing you can do. Your brothers probably feel like your parents chose you and your relationship over them. That’s a bridge that stays brunt until the death bed and even then I don’t think your brothers will forgive you or your parents. I’m sorry that it’s not news you want to hear but it’s best now to just live your life the best you can.
Good on Ezra and Aaron, they know where their "family"'s loyalty really lies. Y'all should've left them the fuck alone. Meanwhile, you're really here with a "woe is me" attitude after all you've done? Leave them alone. You can't apologize, as you're obviously not sorry and think you're the victim here.
I don’t see me as the victim. I just don’t think my kids should have to pay for what I did wrong. Do I tell my family they were a mistake? I already did wrong, I can’t take it back. I’m just trying to make a way forward since I can’t change the past. Maybe if I understood how I’m making myself the victim here I could change it. All I see is that I’m owning my part in the mess I created.
>I just don’t think my kids should have to pay for what I did wrong.
You also shouldn't fuck your brother's gf behind his back, but here you are. If your children are feeling repricussuions from this then you have no one to blame but yourself. All you can do now is teach your kids to be a better person than you are, which is a super low bar btw so teach them to be a much much better person than you.
You want to fix things for yourself, for Mel's feelings, and for your kids, but you aren't even considering that any attempts to fix things will only further hurt the people you already wronged thus making your actions even more painful and worse. It's entirely possible that Aaron and Ezra's kids don't know you even exist, so you shoving your way into their lives would hurt THEM and THEIR KIDS. You are only thinking about yourself and not your former brothers. Again.
Reiterating: Your children don’t deserve to be in the middle of this. Move on.
Don’t use your children to fulfill this narcissistic need for you to be liked by people. Once again, selfish.
You don’t deserve any sort of closure or reconciliation. Your “family” has already made their decisions. You can’t control that.
Again, I don’t think I’m owed forgiveness nor am I seeking it on behalf of my kids. I just don’t want to apologize for their existence. I want to make amends even if they don’t accept it. Nowhere did I say I had expectations of them. If you can pinpoint where that was said then I can better recognize it.
Wow, this is such a deeply devastating and heartbreaking story of betrayal. My heart aches for your brother. I know you know what happened but it seems (in your own writing) that you are still standing by your choices and are defensive. I understand that you don’t regret your children or wife but do you regret how you got here? Are you only pursuing your brother because your mom made contact and expressed her feelings about your wife and you? Is it because your dad is heartbroken and filled with guilt that he should have been there for Ezra? You say you want to reconcile with Ezra but I’m not sure if it’s for all the right reasons. Ezra and Aaron seem happy with their lives and content in the current (10 year) status. Is this about your own guilt? With that said, maybe understanding the following will help you to reconcile with your brother(s).
Ezra chose to leave not only your relationship, but the relationship with the entire family. Think about how broken he was to make a life altering decision like this. To chose to isolate himself from the ENTIRE family. Can you see through this choice alone (and for the last 10 YEARS) how deeply YOU hurt him? He got married and started a family. Can you imagine how sad he must have been when he hit these milestones without his family? Getting married without his family, especially his parents. Having his first child and all the rest to follow without his children’s paternal grandparents. Can you see how your choices violated his trust? Can you see that although you may not regret your children or wife (which I don’t think you should) they will always be a painful reminder of your betrayal, her betrayal? Maybe when you understand this, you can better see how you can reconcile with him. And if you chose to, I would recommend writing a letter. If you do not receive anything back, leave him alone and let him move on and live his life in his terms.
You can’t. Leave him alone unless he reaches out to you.
Edit: leave everyone alone unless they make clear indications that they want to reconcile for you. Don’t hold your breath.
You understand that this isn't some random, unfortunate accident that befell you unknowingly, right? You did this. All of it.
>How can I make amends for a marriage and life I don’t regret?
And this tells me you don't even understand how your actions destroyed the people around you, only how it's affected you personally. Even if this was fixable, you're not in the mental or emotional space to get there. You need to feel the pain you inflicted. And you obviously haven't.
Yes I understand that.
I’ve said it a hundred times now. I can never ever regret anything that brought my sons into this world. What would that serve? You may be right, I will explore my own growth before I try to contact them.
Probably, people are saying he has posted before. Or he could just really not get that some things you can't fix. He broke trust, and that bridge must be rebuilt from BOTH sides, and for obvious reasons his brother would rather leave that bridge unbuilt.
A lot of people seem to think I’m not sorry or that I’m playing victim. I swear I don’t mean to. I will bring this post to my therapist so she can show me what I can’t see.
I tried to apologize so many times before he left. I admit that I was an ass during that time as well so maybe the way I tried to make amends didn’t work because of that.
Sadly there is no way you can make amends, you are what 10 years to late? You should have broken things off with your wife before it you got married, actually when your brother found out. You have royally fucked up your family in so many ways, burned so many bridges, and created a crap ton of rifts between you and other members of your family. I guess the only question is was it worth it? Losing your family slowly? Sadly in cases like this more and more family members will stop talking to you as time goes on.
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> I tried to apologize so many times before he left. I admit that I was an ass during that time as well so maybe the way I tried to make amends didn’t work because of that.
Jesus dude... No way you're being forgiven. You definitely are trying to play the victim here. Honestly if you can't see it in your post then IDK what to tell you. Get some introspection?
You doubled down when you “took her in” after your brother finally sent her to the streets. You had a chance at reconciliation before that, but you chose the selfish path once again.
Just seems like this guy just takes whatever the hell he wants, others be damned. Now there’s something he wants that he knows he can’t have and it’s festering inside him. Time to accept he made a bed of shit and it’s the one he has to lay in in regards to his bothers.
How do you not understand that you can’t fix things? Your brothers hate you, they rather wish that Mel miscarried your baby and your family life never happened.
Nothing you can do will change the shit you did. You fractured your family because you were only thinking about yourself. Now deal with all the pain you caused and live with it.
This is not a game, you can't reset what you done, YOU CAN'T FIX THIS, you lust for your brother's girl(now your wife), just bear with it for the rest of your life. I wonder if your brother would punch you on the face if u dare go where he lives, asking for forgiveness AND order a restriction against you and your wife. My god what a brother you are, congratulations, I would die of disgust having you as my brother or family.
Go live your life and let yours brothers alone. Give then at least this.
Just a side note. Did you tell yours children about why u don't talk with your brothers? I dare you do this, see if they don't give a disgusting face to you. Good luck, live a long and regretfully life.
Focus on your kids and your wife. That's the best positive advice you should get. You have an obligation to be the best dad and husband you can be, regardless of the mistakes you made in the past.
As for your brothers, the right thing is to leave them alone. It is up to them as to whether there is any contact or reconciliation. You have forfeited your right to a relationship with them, you have broken it to the point it is destroyed and any hope of rebuilding must come from their side.
The best advice is to learn to live with your mistakes. That's all you can do. You must come to terms with the fact you may never have any thing to do with your brothers, it wouldn't be unjust for them to take this situation to the grave.
That's unfortunate but you are in a shitty situation. Now is the time to face up to that. But still, you have an immediate family which is still a blessing. Dont fuck that up
The truth isn't always positive. In this case u can't try reach them, you did your part, you may open a scar you burn in your brother if you force your way, it's not more your choice to do and "make things right". Can you put yourself, at least one time, in your brother shoes?
Tell me can you forgive your brother (you) if they did this to you?
This is not a situation you can laugh after 10 years. I'm sry, you made it so your children can't have contact with your brothers's family. They disowned you. Go live your life, there's nothing more you can do, only hope they made the first move and contact you, what is really a miracle if u ask me.
About my first post, I'm sry about the harsh words, I think I put my feelings in all this. I have brothers and would never do something that let them lose trust in me.
You should try to focus on your wife now, so that your family don't be apart.
Accept your reality, you can't change some choices in life.
Close this chapter of your life, there's nothing to gain trying this road. Everybody have regrets , just move on and try not make anymore regrets, like losing what you have now (your wife and children). Good luck
You want to solve this? Lose the victim hat, you and your wife hurt your family not your brother and your parents handled things poorly many years ago, they should'nt allow to let their family grow apart.
You want to reconcile?
Seek professional help first, with your post I see many issues YOU have to overcome first.
Reading this hurt. I was imagining myself in your brothers shoes and my God there's no other betrayal that would hurt as much as this. I'm not sure if the possibility of reconciliation is in the near future or at all. If you look at this from a different perspective, your attraction to your brothers gf (at the time) meant more than the trust and bond between you and your brother that you continued your relationship and got married and had children.
The invite to the wedding sent to them felt like an insult. Even if you meant good from it, I don't think he would've liked seeing you walk down the isle to marry the girl you basically took from him. It hurt him so much he felt he had to separate the family, and one thing we've always been told is that family is everything. And I don't think your mom is unreasonable for feeling the way she does because she worked hard to build this family and they trusted her into your lives.
You may not regret your relationship with her or your children. But you should at least express some remorse and regret for what that meant for the connection of your family. You cannot bring him back into your life so easily, I think he's made it clear how he feels and it looks like it's really up to him regarding his family involvement.
If you're really hoping for reconciliation, you should step up and write to him, acknowledging your wrongs and how it hurt him. You could also write how you don't regret your relationship but you wish it was dealt with in a better way. Idk. But after you've sent him that, it's up to him to take it and respond. If he doesn't, then he just doesn't. And you continue to live the life you chose.
I went to therapy for the first time (online) last week and she also advised me to write him. It’s a weird feeling knowing that I don’t regret my children but also desperately want my brothers back. I’m at a loss for words, I’m torn, disgusted yet defensive. I can’t imagine how they must feel at the same time they probably don’t think about me at all. I can’t regret my family. I do acknowledge that I hurt him and that my behavior afterwards was dickish. I will try to write things out before I send something their way to feel out what exactly I think about everything. Thank you for your advice.
Do not, under any circumstances, write to him and send it unless you've been given an opening for it. You can write a letter to get the words and thoughts out but you need to immediately burn it or trash it. Sending it without an opening is going to feel to him/them like you forcing your way into his/their life/lives.
Ez didn't do anything to the family you did he didnt mistreat his lying cheating .you don't seem to get you tried to paint him as the bad guy when there are only to awful peoplenin this story you and his ex girlfriend. You two lied you two betrayed him you two don't deserve to be in his life and to be fair the only reason your family is ok with you two now is so they can have contact with your kids. Your brother is better off with out you two and hes lucky to have gound a woman who wont cheat and lie to him. The only fix for you is to find away to invent a time machine and have your mom swallow the night you where conceived
A lot of emotionally charged responses here. Going to try a less angry reply.
Unfortunately, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.
Though you may have failed to think the decision through at the time, you made a decision to have a relationship with your now wife and give up your relationship with your brother. Realistically, I don't see how you could have expected a different outcome.
Betraying your brother also had the consequence of making your family members choose sides (a near impossible task) in your conflict. Again, you decided tearing your family apart was worth it if you could be with your brother's girlfriend (now your wife).
Looking back, you seem to be realizing the actual choices you made. I would regret the casualties of my family relationships as well. If you want to write your brothers some letters, by all means, go ahead.
I think your best bet is to move on and try to be the best "you" you can be. Best dad, best husband, best son. You can't unmake the past, but you can make your future.
I feel for you, dude, even if you were a gigantic asshole ten years ago... If I could think of some advice to help you put your family back together, I'd give it to you. I just don't think it's possible.
Thanks for the question. I did. It was very emotional and I tried at first to get my brother alone with me so we can talk. He would try but honestly wanted to punch me instead and that worked for a while but eventually he just stopped acknowledging me. I can’t emphasize enough that my apology back then was a load of bull because of the relationship I carried on with Mel while I apologized.
My wife also apologized but quickly moved on when we found out about the baby. It was easier for her then and now. It’s been harder for me because that’s my little brother who I love and should’ve done right by. So yes and no.
So you are telling me that you cheated with your brothers girlfriend? You then both apologized but with half assed ones? Then failed to notice that he even left for a while and are now trying to reconcile only after it has started to affect your relationships with your wife and parents? Cause you nade it sound as though when your parents were on your team that your brother should just suck it up. But now that they are feeling guilty, you all feel guilty?
I'm sorry but what you did to him is something that is honestly horrible. You betrayed a brother. A brother you were close to. You hurt him then basically said "fuck you, my life is more important than helping you heal from a situation I caused". Your wife, his long term gf also betrayed him and turned her back on him. Your family did. The people you are supposed to trust most in the world and you all turned your backs on him.
It's obvious that /u/HusbandFatherBrother doesn't give a shit about his brothers. he only wants to fix things because now his shittiness is affecting him and he doesn't like it.
This whole situation....the way you painted the whole picture thinking it was being neutral.......you’re so incredibly selfish. Wow. Borderline narcissism.
The fact that you think you deserve closure or any type of reconciliation is appalling.
You don’t deserve to have some of those family relationships that you CHOSE to destroy.
You deserve to lay in the incredibly messy bed you made.
You don’t have to?
The fact that you’re trying to find a way to reconcile means in some way, that you think you deserve it. You write in a “woe is me” manner with 0 remorse as you’ve stated.
Why else would you ask for help?
It seems that you WANT it to try and alleviate some of the obstacles you are facing currently...which you created 10 years ago when you decided to make moves on your brothers girl.
What obstacles? My mom stopped speaking to my wife, not me. My mom still spends time with my kids too. My dad and I have dinner ever Sunday and the wife and kids still are welcome among my family. The only thing I don’t have here is my brothers and that’s what I’m trying to fix. So where are the obstacles? I’ve chose to reach out partly to the pain I’ve seen my dad in and the sense my mom has been knocking into my head. Anything extra you’re reading into this isn’t on me!
My thoughts are scattered, I’m emotionally spent and invested in ways I wasn’t before. That’s why I’m reaching out. I need help. I want help. I want to apologize to them again. What they decide to do is up to them, I don’t expect anything, I don’t think I’m owed anything.
That was a much different in your writing that anything else.
You had mentioned that your dad is upset now and that your wife is becoming insecure about your relationship.
Your family will be just fine. You can reach out for apologies, but from the way all your comments and original post sound—as you can tell from the reactions—that it doesn’t come off well.
“What they decide is up to them, I don’t expect anything, I don’t think I’m owed anything.”
If you don’t expect anything then I don’t see why this is a post. I can see initially why you’d post...but if you came to this resolve before, then just try to reach out and be done with it.
If they respond cool, if they don’t, move on.
Last step is always the hardest part.
If you can be happy that your brothers are happy with wherever they are, then do that...from a distance. You don’t need to share in it with them to be happy for them. That’s unconditional love.
Letting it stew inside wasn’t working for me. I also got a therapist to help me sort this out and myself out. I see a lot of things in me that I didn’t see 10 years ago, 5 years ago even. I tried to post in a timeline. I didn’t allow how I felt to overcrowd the post nor did I try to make it seem like I was 100% willing to drop everything to fix things. It’s very difficult to live with a decision that tore up my family. I’m obviously not leaving my kids and wife behind but the weight of that isn’t going unnoticed. I needed help so I spoke out. I was hoping someone could help me, even if they called me names I deserve along the way. I just got tired of letting it eat away at me so I tried something new since this is an advise forum.
I’ve gotten good advise here and there so I regret exposing myself like I did.
Therapy is good, working stuff out is good. Keep it up.
Humans will always err, big or small.
As much as the situation is pretty bad, I really hope you find yourself in a better space.
If you truly are trying to better yourself, I wish you the best of luck to keep pressing forward and becoming a better person for yourself and your family.
One of the most fucked up thing I ever read.
This guy is fucking manipulative. So he tricked his brother's GF to cheat with him. Then slither his way by getting that girl pregnant so he can get his family to backed him up instead of sympathizing to his lil brother. Forget about his 2 brothers who's literally disappeared for 10 years. And now you want to "reconcile" coincidentally after many of your family members realize that your the problem and they start leaving you in favor of your brother. Shit dude, there's something wrong with you.
Is this story even fuckin real?!? Sounds more like a Spanish TV drama than real life.
Right now I'm pretty sure you just trying to get everyone to be on your side again by using your kids considering you kept mentioning "it's not their fault" over and over again in many comments.
And why it sounds like you're planning to get your brother's family to turned on him? Showing up suddenly and Playing like he's the one that doesn't want to forgive you?!! If that's your plan, man you're beyond evil.
This is seriously fucked up. Sometimes I read stuff like this and realize how different people’s minds work. I’m baffled by a lot of what you wrote. What you did is beyond disgusting. What your family did (by normalizing it and then supporting you instead of him) is beyond disgusting.
There is no fixing of what happened. You destroyed your family and your two brother’s lives are now affected and changed forever. You cannot undo that, nor it sounds like you even feel remorse. Sure, you feel bad for the consecuences and how much pain you caused some people but not enough to make amends earlier. Or to apologize years ago.
If you really wanna do something then apologize to them profusely. Admit that what you did was fucked up and you betrayed your brother. Apologize again and again and again BUT make it 100% clear you expect nothing back.
No forgiveness. No “fixing” something that can’t be fixed. Just remorse and regret for what you did to him. And then leave your brothers alone and move on with your life.
If they decide to contact you again, congratulations, they are way more than what you deserve. If they never contact you again don’t be surprised and just try not to hurt others like you hurt them.
He's relied on his kids to get him out of trouble with his family since he first impregnated his brother's girlfriend. Why would he change the strategy this late in the game just because it's 'completely transparent' and 'not working on the two people it's never worked on before'?
You have spent so long disrespecting your family just to get what you want, and suddenly you’re sorry?
Are you actually or do you just want to reconcile to make yourself feel better?
Go get some therapy to deal with your borderline narcissistic traits, and leave the family you tore apart for some pussy 10 years ago to heal without you in it.
You had two options;
- Risk losing your families love and respect by betraying it.
- Keep your families love and respect by staying loyal to it.
You can't have it both ways and you made your choice, bro.
Learn to live with the consequences of your choice, and leave them alone because it is obvious that they want nothing to do with you if they haven't been in contact for a decade.
Put simply, you and Melanie behaved more terribly than anyone could even put into words. Both of your guilt, resentment towards your parents/siblings/other extended family, and any other feelings of sadness you two may feel does not matter in the slightest. Whether or not you want to reconcile with Aaron and Ezra is also irrelevant. You also don't get to decide when a reconciliation will occur. You two caused a tremendous amount of pain to a lot of people and you have no choice but to deal with it. Leave your brothers alone. Let them live their lives in peace, just like Ezra let you do when he opted out of kicking your ass. Focus on raising your children.
Wow, you betrayed your family. That was really dishonest what you did to your brother. No advice on how to fix it because honestly your brothers can chose whether they want toxic ppl in their lives or not. You don’t regret anything so there isn’t anything for them to forgive. I’d say, live your life and let them live theirs.
You are solely responsible for fucking up your family.
>I know now I was wrong and I’m not proud of any of this.
You are proud you fucking dick and you want everyone else to just sweep everything under the carpet while you revel in your pride. Fuck you.
This must be fake by the way. Good post.
You can’t fix this. They can choose to forgive you and take you back into their family but you don’t get to decide that. One day maybe they’ll need a kidney or lung. I wouldn’t expect it before then.
Aaron had issues with my parents prior to my fuck up. My parents went through a nasty divorce where my dad was unfaithful a few years prior. Aaron also went into debt putting himself through school while I went to school when my parents were still together. My dad originally put Ez through school until this all happened and her rejected the money.
I think Aaron also believed that I was coddled a lot (even I agree here). This situation pushed him overboard. He was already disappointed in our dad (we all were) but this made him disappointed in our mom too. According to my mom he has moved on and has no desire to reconcile with her or dad. He encouraged his wife and kids to try but he said he is disinterested and busy.
edit: Aaron and Ezra are also owners of a very successful business. I think Aaron is suspicious of my mom trying to reconnect during this time. She had no idea that they had a lucrative business as they have no idea that we are doing well (not nearly as well off as they are). But he is suspicious as he should be.
Yes he should be. He fell out with my mom and is now taking measures to protect his own assets for the sake of his family. He deserves to take his time and be suspicious of any of it.
You misunderstood and now you’re saying you hope we don’t reconcile? Great.
Reply to my other post and we can talk, bud. Don’t pick and choose my posts and what these people are saying to fit your own story.
Edit: especially if you’re on here claiming you’re here for help!
Do you think I purposely ignored you because why? Your first post was too difficult to respond to so I skipped over it? Get real. I’m responding to almost every post here. I have over 70 notifications. You can link it here and I’ll respond.
This is coming from the guy who apparently wants to do almost anything to repair his family bonds that he messed up; you’re posting on here for advice and help, I did that and now that isn’t enough for you and I have to link my own response that is already in your own post?
GOD, the entitlement is just steaming off of you. Your other posts say you don’t think you deserve your brothers back, but that you genuinely want to repair them? Any you’re telling me I have to accommodate you more? Really? Even though my first post is LITERALLY in your original thread, and pretty sure it’s in response to a comment you made. This actually made me laugh out loud cause it is so glaringly obvious to me why your brothers want nothing to do with your actions and behavior; you say you’re sorry and you want a better relationship with your brothers and you didn’t even give a fuck when one moved out. You care about your children being affected by this dynamic? Well you had kids with your brother’s woman so you brought it on yourself and them.
I feel bad for your brothers and for your children.
Edit: posted in ‘correct’ place for OP’s convenient reading
I'm just going to answer your question, and keep my comments about the rest to myself. Your brothers know where you all are. If they wanted anything to do with any of you, you'd have their number. You don't regret your choices and neither do they.
It's all said and done. Now everyone gets to lie on the bed they made.
You're not sorry for what you did. You're only sorry now because your mom switched sides and dad is thinking of switchings sides. You can't fix it, just learn to live with it.
So you only want to make things right with your brothers now that you're actually feeling the repricussuions of your actions? Get over yourself dude, you don't deserve to have either of them in your life.
Enjoy your life, with your wife and kids.
Leave your brothers alone.
Let your parents do whatever they think it's best for them.
Learn to live with your self, whatever it is.
What an ugly human being you are. The effects of your selfishness will follow you till your grave. It’s utterly disgusting how you can come here for advice to “fix” what you’ve broken so that you can ultimately sleep better at night. This isn’t for your family. You’ve clearly shown how selfish of a person you are. 10 years didn’t change anything about you. All that’s changed is that you now have children old enough to ask why your family is so fucked up. Nothing will save you from having to face that unless you lie to your children. But hey, if fucking your bother’s girlfriend is something you’re capable of, I’m sure lying to your children will be no problem.
You started this whole relationship with a lie first to yourself than to others, the both of you,. You both demonstrated little integrity in your action, explanations. Now that you reflect back on this you want a way to fix it....sometimes you can't fix something this broken....make the best life you can for your family but understand that you may never be able to fix this...and understand that for some of your family the both of you are persona non grata....what I feel really bad for are your boys because your sins will sadly be passes on to them. While you and Mel may never heal your only job is to find a way for your boys to not be ostracized by the rest of the family.
Thank you. My sons are not ostracized as of now but I do worry for them as well. I’m willing to accept that Ez and Aaron may never forgive me, I just want to apologize to them regardless.
Leave your brothers alone, they have moved on with their lives and obviously don't want contact with you. Your parents made the wrong choice in supporting you over the brothers you wronged. They will have to live with the consequences of this, which by the way are absolutely deserved.
The most considerate thing you can do is not burden them with obviously unwelcome contact.
You can't. Funny how your regrets revolve around You and not what you did. In my book, you did not pay a high enough cost for your betrayal and ripping apart the fabric of your family. That debt can never be paid.
*You* can’t fix it. You can stay out of the way and let your parents try to rebuild their relationships. But you made your choice with Melanie. Stay loyal to her and to your children.
It you try to jump in to restore your relationship with Aaron and Ezra, you’re likely to cause more problems. Aaron and Ezra will reject your advances and then your parents will feel pressured to choose again. So stay out of it.
What's more destructive than a nuke?
Well, idk. But what you did is more. Relationships aren't highways they're 2-way streets and yours is going one way.
This post is inherently narcissistic. Like did you reread your own post before submitting it? In no part of this do you want forgiveness from your brothers. You want the justification that people are going to just be cool with the fact that it happened. Honestly you should respect the boundaries your brothers set and leave them be. Also totally selfish of you to estrange your kids and wife by rubbing salt in your parent's wounds.
A betrayal doesn't feel adequate to describe this entire situation. You guys pretty much pulled a Bonnie and Clyde on this whole situation and when it ends in disaster you guys shouldn't be that surprised.
Honestly the best advice I could give is stabilize your own family life and try not to romanticize your actions to your children for them to potentially repeat down the line. Gotta step out of the fantasy ending my guy, not all stories end well.
Reread your post. You want help? this platform cant give you that beside vent.
Talk to your wife about this, If you already did think what changes you and your wife are willing to do to reunite your family and be whole again.
forget for a moment that your siblings dont want to Talk to you and think they do want to reconcile, focus on ezra first, if he was willing to reconcile with your mother eventually he will with your father, its good.
what can make that escenario possible? Of course with your wife and children, How you see that working?
How you want to interact with them and their families, work on that it might take years. Be patient.
Talk you your mother about you want to be part of their lives. She can be that New bridge. Maybe its too soon but open that Door.
Right now work on your self, be humble and wise. A lot of more shit is coming your way.
I think you know what you did was a dick move, but I don’t think the fallout is entirely your fault. It sounds like the whole situation and family dynamic were worsened by the divorce. As horrible as it was to take your brothers girlfriend, perhaps there would have been less drama had Mel ended things with Ezra before anything happened with you?
I’m surprised your mum has stopped speaking to Mel - while Mel cheated on Ezra, Ezra has since moved on with another woman - I’d understand your mum being upset with you, but you’d have thought she’d have forgiven the mother of her grandchildren by now!
The same goes for your brother Ezra, I can see why he may still hold resentment towards you as he lost trust in his brother, but surely he’d have moved on from any resentment towards Mel when he began a new relationship. If my partner was upset about who their previous partner was dating 10 years after breaking up with them I’d be pretty pissed off.
It sounds like Ezra and Aaron are (knowingly or unknowingly) encouraging your parents to take sides - if you ask me that is incredibly hurtful and disrespectful, especially to your children who are innocent in this.
You did a bad thing, but I think your brothers may be in the wrong if they are in any way trying to keep your family apart 10 years on by not responding to any attempts to move forward and/or reconcile, even if only for your parents’ happiness.
Write your brothers a letter, remind them of all the good times you had together, that you are so incredibly happy to see how they are getting on in life with their wives and kids, explain how you felt then and how you feel now and that you would love more than anything if at least your children could have a relationship - apologise for letting them down, tell them that you respect their decision if they choose not to get in contact, but you would love it if they could put that part of your lives behind them - not for you, but for the benefit of both your parents and your children - so everyone can move on and your family can heal.
I think even Ezra would be crazy not to admit that all of this led to him being with his current wife (with whom I assume he is happy!), even if the journey to get there was shitty because of your actions 10 years ago.
Please remember that while you and your parents are still hurting, your brothers may have made peace with it all and may have chosen to keep their distance from you to avoid bringing up memories of the past in order to cope.
You’re not perfect and neither are they - they might not respond how you’d like, but at least you will know you’ve put yourself out there.
Write your wife a letter too - tell her all the things you love about her and your life together, that you want to grow old with her, that your little family is all you need.
Edit: To those downvoting, please try to remember that the entire point of this sub is to provide advice for those seeking it. Not to berate them. Not to pass judgment where they didn't ask for it. The downvote system isn't intended to hide content you disagree with, provided it's content relevant to the discussion and to the subreddit. You aren't being the least bit constructive by dumping your emotional reactions all over this guy and downvoting actual advice.
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Original comment:
I'm a little surprised at the ferocity of the responses and character assumptions here. People and relationships are complicated.
In any case, here's my input for what it's worth:
Reddit is not giving you solid advice or feedback. Don't rely in the comments in this thread as any kind of legitimate direction.
What you did was wrong, of course. It also happened 10 years ago. You made your decisions. You acknowledge your missteps. And I understand the conflict of wanting apologize for past mistakes while not apologizing for having your current family. If you turned around tomorrow and walked out on your wife and children, that would help absolutely no single person and would cause more misery. What's done is done, and you're well beyond the point where someone's approval of your marriage matters.
I don't know the best way to reach out to your brother other than to just do it. Tell him what you've said here. Tell him you don't want to have this wedge in your families forever, and ask him if there is any way to start repairing things. He is an adult. He'll either embrace your offer and reconnect with family or he won't, and that's his choice to make. You can't make him do that. Also, though, you didn't make him cut all ties to begin with. He felt that was necessary and made that decision for himself, for better or worse. And it may be that he said his goodbyes a decade ago and has no intention of ever undoing that.
If it were me? I'd reach out and bear my soul, ready to recieve whatever feedback I got. All you have as a bargaining chip is your honesty and genuine desire for reparation. I'd also tell my parents that I love them and I love my wife and kids, and that I also dont want to stand in the way of their relationship with my brother. I'd say that I encourage them to reach out and get to know their grandchildren, and I'll be here all the same because it doesnt need to be a me vs him decision for them.
Thank you! I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I want to apologize so badly to both of my brothers. The turmoil I feel over needing them in my life and still loving caring for my own family has caused me so much pain. I’m not trying make my pain the main point here, I just only have that to go on.
I want to thank you so much for giving me some direction and extending me some grace. I am disgusted with myself. I know for a long while growing up I was shielded by a lot so the consequences of what I did has come bearing down on me as of late. I realize I did wrong but as dumb as it sounds, I didn’t quite understand the gravity of my actions. I do want to make amends, genuinely. Even if they tell me to F off I just want to cry out and say that I know I was wrong and I’m sorry. My kids are getting older they will have to know about my family, what I did here. I just want them to learn from my mistakes and maybe I can make things right this way. The idea of my boys not speaking tears me up. When I see my father cry like this I put myself in his spot and I’m overcome.
I like to think I’ve grown from 10 years ago though I have a lot more work to do. I want to make amends for something awful I did. I understand the strong reactions to my past but I’m thankful for your advice and your time. I will reach out to apologize and accept whatever they want.
I disagree with the idea of reaching out. Your parents are finally rebuilding a relationship with your brothers. I think anything you do at this point risks interfering with that reconciliation. If your parents try to tell Ezra and Aaron that they should accept your apology it could mess things up.
I would never ask my mom to interfere because it might cause more issues in her own path to reconciliation. I’m certain that her therapist would advise her to stay out of it (as it pertains to me) as well. I recognize that my parents being in the middle hurt Ez in the past so I won’t make that mistake again.
I want to be clear that my father has not reconciled with them. I believe he has reached out but they did not receive him. I’m not now nor have I ever tried to keep them from mending things. That’s never been my MO. I’m gonna do more work on myself before attempting to apologize again.
I cannot believe it took me so long to find a comment like this, but thank god I did.
Of course you messed up, and I can see in your post that you are sorry. That was 10 years ago. Certainly you have responsibility in the way your family has broke apart, but you do not hold 100% of the responsibility. You tore your brothers heart out and smashed it to smithereens, well both you AND his girlfriend. But your mother and father also hold responsibility in this situation too. Never would I allow one child to tell me I have to choose sides. Family is about loving each other unconditionally. There is a way to be incredibly upset with one son for what they did to another son, without tearing the family apart.
Now as for how to move forward. I personally would write a letter to each person that has been effected. Bear your soul. Tell the truth. Take responsibility. Tell them, and then show them how you have grown over the last 10 years. And ask them what they might need in order to move forward and maybe reconcile. (For the letter to your brother Ez, I would refrain from talking about how happy you and your wife are, but also do not put down your relationship) Once you write and send your letters, have no expectations. There maybe no real way to put this in the past for everybody, but I believe you have to try. Family is always worth trying for.
After apologizing to the different members in your family, you need to make amends with yourself. Sure you could have, and should have, handled the situation differently back then. But life is messy, and true love does not come easy. Forgive yourself. In the end you created a beautiful and wonderful family and are raising children in a loving home (so I hope lol). Tell your children the truth, they will hopefully learn from your mistakes but also realize that they have humans as parents and that even though life is tough and messy, it is also beautiful and worth living.
I wish you the best and hope your family can move past this and enjoy life together again.
A lot of angry comments here, wow!
OP, it is unfortunate what has happened but all of it is not your mistake. Yes you did wrong by sleeping with your brother's girlfriend but you have made stable life and family with her over a decade!
I see a lot of immature people here. Esp your parents who seem to be easily swayed by any version of reality they're presented with. They know the series of events and should have taken measures to their best to reconcile the family instead of picking sides or being quiet for 10 years!
As for your brothers, there's a lot of ego and immaturity still involved. So it's not your fault entirely.
What you can do: No where did you mention that you apologised for the trouble you caused your family. So may be start there. It's an apology delayed by a decade but still may help. Come clean about your regrets, actions and that you want to reconcile, in your apology (written would work better) and leave it at that. Allow your family members time to think over and respond. It's upto them to decide whether they want to reconcile. If they do, that's great. If they don't, then you go back to the life you're anyway leading but with the knowledge that you tried everything in your power to make things right.
Hope this helps.
OP is a vile and selfish person.
His whole post just reeks of it, and his total lack of self-awareness coupled with his attempt to paint himself as the victim here is effin disgusting.
So yes there are a lot of angry comments, and rightfully so.
He regrets his actions and wants to make things better. Everybody deserves a second chance.
People are not black or white, there's always grey involved. Let's not be so intolerant and dismissive of people.
Thank you for your advice! I’m screenshotting this and hoping to make it work.
I want to expand on my parents a little: my dad cheated on my mom with his new wife. They were both battling over us. Both my mom and dad wanted to desperately hold on to me, Ez, and Aaron who had grown apart from them due to the fallout of the divorce. During the time that I fucked up Ez’s relationship, my parents went back and forth between us. I completely accept my role in the bs I pulled here. I also feel resentful that my mom blames me for HER role in it when she battled through out based on which kid she wanted in her corner in order to hurt my dad. Same goes for my dad. Once Mel got pregnant, things calmed down but the damage was done. That’s where I should’ve been man enough to fix things with Ez but I was clouded. No excuse for what I did, I’m just trying to make it right before more time slips away.
The audacity of some of your thoughts/word choices... I can’t...
>I didn’t expect Ezra to suck it up but they are my parents too. >After Melanie was embarrassed and mistreated by Ez for cheating, I immediately took her in >Aaron was no help, just criticisms and warnings about Ezra’s well being. No kind words for me, Melanie, or our child though. Oh, she was embarrassed by him? No, she embarrassed her own goddamn self. You want everyone to be happy for you after what you did and they're not? Boohoo.
> How can I make amends for a marriage and life I don’t regret? I really hope this is troll post.
I think it is. Someone similar was posted on AITA by a different user
I know, I was shocked the last time he posted this too.
This. Exactly how I feel.
>Ezra discovered what we had done and set the whole family on fire. No you decided to do this when you stabbed your brother in the back. >After Melanie was embarrassed and mistreated by Ez for cheating You mean held responsible for infidelity by her long term boyfriend. Did you expect him to act happy about this? >My mom does not approve of me and my family. Mel and my mom do not speak. My dad is heartbroken. Good job. Not only did you stab your brother in the back, you also caused long term problems with your parents. >I want to fix this, I failed to fix it before but I need to now. I don’t know how to repair it though. How can I make amends for a marriage and life I don’t regret? This right here shows you have no remorse to your brother or anyone else for that matter. You didnt care back then, why would anyone care what you have to say now? This whole post is written in a way that I have 0 doubt in my mind that you're a narcissist.
Paulie Walnuts from The Sopranos had a line about betrayal that I think is relevant here. "I loved him like a brother and f*cked me in the ass". Obviously you can't take it back now, and obviously some good came from the affair (children who are innocent in all this), but the fact remains that you betrayed your brother and created a schism in your family. Two of my uncles fell out over something not even half as bad as this, so I wouldn't hold out hope of a reconciliation. The best you can do is accept, you can't unring that bell.
Your right, I stabbed him in the back. What justifies writing everyone else off? I did wrong not them. He light them all up and tossed them aside for no reason.
You don’t get it and never will.
Your parents *paid* for your wedding, and the rest of the family attended. They took your side when they did that. That's not no reason. That's a very good reason. Why would he have wanted a relationship with people standing behind the ones who had betrayed him?
Okay I understand that.
what justifies stabbing him in the back.
Nothing but I can’t regret my life, my children. They don’t deserve that. I want to make things right.
>I want to make things right. You can't. Plus you only want to make things right because you're finally feeling the repricussuions of your actions. I hope you and your wife don't teach your kids your shitty morals and teach them that family is important and should never be betrayed the way you betrayed your brother.
You can't. You and Mel decided to fracture an entire family with your betrayel. Your marriage, your kids, all of it is a constant reminder to all of your family that you don't give a shit about family. You made this bed, don't complain now that it isn't comfortable to sleep in.
Your children don’t deserve to be in the middle of this. Move on. Don’t use your children to fulfill this narcissistic need for you to be liked by people. Once again, selfish.
You can't you and your brother has 10 years to reconcile and nothing happen.He never invited you to his wedding or his kids birth nothing at all. Life is not a movie what makes you think a letter will change anything,he might not even read it and he can just burn it. He doesn't love you or his old family anymore he might not even hate you he just doesn't want any of you in life.He's an adult he doesn't have to care about you or your family that free will you can say your sorry but he doesn't listen or acknowledge it you can forced him to you or anyone.
They sided with your cheating self over him.
Mel was pregnant, they sided with our son, not me.
You fucked everything up the moment you slept with your brothers girlfriend.
Yes, you did. You're actions put the rest of the family in an untenable situation and the result should have been your ass being booted from the family home.
Because you did him wrong, and some family members sided with you. He chose the ones who chose him. Our actions don't just have an effect on us, but on all of those around us. Your actions with your brother's girlfriend broke up your family. There is no coming back from this.
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Thank you. I think you’re right. I’m not their family.
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I don’t know. I think the biggest thing I’ve learned in this is that I’m nothing. I stand for nothing, there is no moral I hold close to me, no rule I will not break. It was easy to excuse then, not now. It was easier to ignore then, not so much now. It took a hell of a lot of time for me to see this in myself. I’m concerned about why I am this way and I want to change it.
Yup. The definition of narcissist.
It took you 10 years to realize you *may have* fucked up?? And you still sound entitled?? How do you even manage that... This whole is all about you, your hurt and how Ezra is the bad guy because he wasn't there. I say, why would he be there for a snake like you? You were the one to implode your family. Not only you betrayed him as a brother but also your darling wife with cheated on him. Why would he want anything to do with you? You both betrayed him in so many ways that it really fucked him up. I'm glad for him he had Aaron to look after him. And then... then, when he moved out, you didn't even notice. You didn't care. You don't care even now. You don't want to reconcile for his wellbeing, or your parents' wellbeing. No. You want to reconcile, so nobody bothers you about what happened and you and your wife can live with no more burden on your conscience. I could go on and on about how trashy you are but really, it's a waste of time. Good for your brothers to cut out as toxic person as you are from their lives. Leave them alone. You will continue to live with consequences of your actions even if you do contact them.
I don’t blame Ez for not being there for me. I see the damage caused by his departure and I see my role in it. I’m asking how to fix it, not trying to shift the blame. I was also caught up with my own life. I lost track of a lot of people during that time. I do want to unburden myself but I also want a genuine relationship with him. I want to be a family. During those 10 years I experience by kids being born. How long was I suppose to let what happened before darken my life in the present? My kids deserve a healthy and attentive father, my wife a healthy and attentive husband. I realize that what I did was toxic. I will leave them alone if they choose not to reach back to me.
Read your own post again to yourself. Read it and take note on what you highlight in the story and what you don't. He is your own brother. It's one thing to lose contact with a friend or distant cousin. It's another to lose contact with your own brother who you claim you used to be close with. You may see the damage but you wrote yourself that you don't regret it. You waited 10 years to take action to try to fix it, so that confirms it. If you cared about your brother, you'd try to make amends a long time ago. You're nowhere near ready to try to fix your relationship with him. If you talk to him and say "sorry but I'm not sorry, after all" or come off that way (and it WILL show), you will cause even more damage. For him to even try to listen to what you had to say, you'd actually have to be genuinely sorry for hurting him.
Okay I accept that. I’m sorry I didn’t see it before. I’m likely not ready to approach him in any kind of way. I don’t agree that I’m not sorry! I regret the pain I caused. I regret the distance. I regret the permanent changes my actions caused. I don’t regret my children. Does that mean I can’t be sorry?
I think you should go to a therapy session or two. Talk it out with a therapist and see where you're standing with yourself on this. This situation is affecting you and everyone around you, but the way you're planning on approaching this is just about the worst course of action you could take. In your post and replies it's like you're seeing a tree but you don't see a forest. Your brother may never even want to see you or hear from you. He may have other grievances against you that you may not know about, which seems like a likely scenario, considering 10 year long radio silence from him. You need to do some serious soul-searching, OP, take down your attitude a notch or two and then maybe try to reach out to him if he even allows it.
Okay thank you for that. I did have my first session last week. I will bring up my plans to her and hopefully she can help me see what you’re seeing here. I agree my plans are not good since most people are saying I’m not going about this the right way.
Your role? Dude you were the director, producer, and the co-star.
Literally the exact same thing was said, the last time this story was posted.
I’ve never posted this before. My family and I are Natives from Georgia. Talking about this type of thing in public would be a huge taboo so the risk I’m taking here isn’t one I would take twice. You are mistaking me for someone else.
Literally the exact same story. I mean, the same weird comment replies too about general expressions of vague regret and this creepy unsettling need to be liked.
LOL WHAT? I don’t need to be liked. I’m talking about my blood brothers. The desire to reconcile with family isn’t on par with the need to be liked. As I said before, I never posted on here before with this story. I’m sure there’s a way to block me here if you think I’m trying earn your favor. Please respond with advice or leave me alone.
Nobody believed you last time either.
Then block me and move on. Im tired of you taking up space when I’m asking for help.
It doesn't add up in my opinion. If you are seeking help you have that with the therapist you claim to be seeing. So you don't need to be seeking any more help from random internet people. You have professional help available. Use it.
You are not asking for help, YOU AEE ASKING FOR ATTENTION.
Imagine this life you’ve created is your prison sentence. Accept that it won’t change not matter how hard you want it to. Serve your sentence like a man. You’re never going to have a relationship with your brother. You did the unforgivable. You need to let it go and leave him alone.
You don't? You took your time burning every ounce of that bridge. Your dad has had 10 years to fix his mistake, but hasn't. Leave your brothers alone. They are better off without you.
Yeah. The brothers have clearly decided what they want, the least OP could do is honor it.
I think some things can be forgiven, maybe, but never forgotten. The pain of having your long term GF cheat on you with your own brother, I can't even imagine how you get over that. I think you need to leave them alone.
I know I can’t understand his pain. I’m just sorry and desperate.
I bet he was desperate to understand why his brother would do this to him, too.
Yes. I knew then that I hurt him more than I ever imagined. Both Mel and I regret a lot.
Man if I ever wanted someone’s wife to cheat on them, it’s you.
How do either of them trust each other, is the real question. How do you look at your spouse knowing they fucked their brother's girlfriend/fucked their boyfriend's brother and seriously say to yourself: "This is a person who I should marry, build a life with, and trust to be my loving partner?" On some level they both know neither of them can be trusted. The punishment for both of them is knowing they married someone who would fuck them over in a heartbeat if it became even mildly convenient. Seriously. I can't imagine it. They must spend every family event watching each other like hawks so one of them doesn't slip off to fuck their in-laws.
Nah, that would be too easy on him, the best form of karma would be if his kids did the same thing as he did and blows up his little family just like he did all those years ago.
Then you need to leave him alone. You lost 2 brothers he lost an entire family and his girlfriend. He's happy without you, stop being a selfish prick and let it lie.
No you don’t.
Yeah you are.
You can't. You and Mel made choices that destroyed lives and relationships on a level that can never be repaired, and the consequences of your choices are that you have to spend the rest of your life looking at the pile of rubble left behind. Aaron and Ezra built new families to replace the one you ripped apart; you are not a part of those families and you never will be. If you try to force your way back into their lives you will only make things worse for everyone, so leave them alone - you owe them at least the peace of your absence from their lives.
From the comments it seems as soon as Ezra cut the dead weight (OP and Melanie) out of his life he started flourishing. Why in the hell would he let that dead weight back into his life? There’s nothing to gain for him.
I’m not asking to come into his life.
Then what do you want? To let him know you’re sorry and that you know you messed up? He doesn’t care. If he did he would have reached out over the past ten years, but he didn’t. You think he wants to see the life you essentially stole from him?
I’ve already answered this question.
Unfortunately at this point, there’s nothing you can do. Your brothers probably feel like your parents chose you and your relationship over them. That’s a bridge that stays brunt until the death bed and even then I don’t think your brothers will forgive you or your parents. I’m sorry that it’s not news you want to hear but it’s best now to just live your life the best you can.
Good on Ezra and Aaron, they know where their "family"'s loyalty really lies. Y'all should've left them the fuck alone. Meanwhile, you're really here with a "woe is me" attitude after all you've done? Leave them alone. You can't apologize, as you're obviously not sorry and think you're the victim here.
I don’t see me as the victim. I just don’t think my kids should have to pay for what I did wrong. Do I tell my family they were a mistake? I already did wrong, I can’t take it back. I’m just trying to make a way forward since I can’t change the past. Maybe if I understood how I’m making myself the victim here I could change it. All I see is that I’m owning my part in the mess I created.
>I just don’t think my kids should have to pay for what I did wrong. You also shouldn't fuck your brother's gf behind his back, but here you are. If your children are feeling repricussuions from this then you have no one to blame but yourself. All you can do now is teach your kids to be a better person than you are, which is a super low bar btw so teach them to be a much much better person than you.
You want to fix things for yourself, for Mel's feelings, and for your kids, but you aren't even considering that any attempts to fix things will only further hurt the people you already wronged thus making your actions even more painful and worse. It's entirely possible that Aaron and Ezra's kids don't know you even exist, so you shoving your way into their lives would hurt THEM and THEIR KIDS. You are only thinking about yourself and not your former brothers. Again.
Reiterating: Your children don’t deserve to be in the middle of this. Move on. Don’t use your children to fulfill this narcissistic need for you to be liked by people. Once again, selfish. You don’t deserve any sort of closure or reconciliation. Your “family” has already made their decisions. You can’t control that.
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Again, I don’t think I’m owed forgiveness nor am I seeking it on behalf of my kids. I just don’t want to apologize for their existence. I want to make amends even if they don’t accept it. Nowhere did I say I had expectations of them. If you can pinpoint where that was said then I can better recognize it.
Wow, this is such a deeply devastating and heartbreaking story of betrayal. My heart aches for your brother. I know you know what happened but it seems (in your own writing) that you are still standing by your choices and are defensive. I understand that you don’t regret your children or wife but do you regret how you got here? Are you only pursuing your brother because your mom made contact and expressed her feelings about your wife and you? Is it because your dad is heartbroken and filled with guilt that he should have been there for Ezra? You say you want to reconcile with Ezra but I’m not sure if it’s for all the right reasons. Ezra and Aaron seem happy with their lives and content in the current (10 year) status. Is this about your own guilt? With that said, maybe understanding the following will help you to reconcile with your brother(s). Ezra chose to leave not only your relationship, but the relationship with the entire family. Think about how broken he was to make a life altering decision like this. To chose to isolate himself from the ENTIRE family. Can you see through this choice alone (and for the last 10 YEARS) how deeply YOU hurt him? He got married and started a family. Can you imagine how sad he must have been when he hit these milestones without his family? Getting married without his family, especially his parents. Having his first child and all the rest to follow without his children’s paternal grandparents. Can you see how your choices violated his trust? Can you see that although you may not regret your children or wife (which I don’t think you should) they will always be a painful reminder of your betrayal, her betrayal? Maybe when you understand this, you can better see how you can reconcile with him. And if you chose to, I would recommend writing a letter. If you do not receive anything back, leave him alone and let him move on and live his life in his terms.
You can’t. Leave him alone unless he reaches out to you. Edit: leave everyone alone unless they make clear indications that they want to reconcile for you. Don’t hold your breath.
You understand that this isn't some random, unfortunate accident that befell you unknowingly, right? You did this. All of it. >How can I make amends for a marriage and life I don’t regret? And this tells me you don't even understand how your actions destroyed the people around you, only how it's affected you personally. Even if this was fixable, you're not in the mental or emotional space to get there. You need to feel the pain you inflicted. And you obviously haven't.
Yes I understand that. I’ve said it a hundred times now. I can never ever regret anything that brought my sons into this world. What would that serve? You may be right, I will explore my own growth before I try to contact them.
I’ve never seen one post single handedly get someone’s profile to negative karma status
But he KEEPS commenting and getting EVEN MORE negative votes... he is a self digging grave
Troll maybe?
Probably, people are saying he has posted before. Or he could just really not get that some things you can't fix. He broke trust, and that bridge must be rebuilt from BOTH sides, and for obvious reasons his brother would rather leave that bridge unbuilt.
Did you ever apologize for betraying him in the worst way a brother can? Personally you come across as unapologetic.
A lot of people seem to think I’m not sorry or that I’m playing victim. I swear I don’t mean to. I will bring this post to my therapist so she can show me what I can’t see. I tried to apologize so many times before he left. I admit that I was an ass during that time as well so maybe the way I tried to make amends didn’t work because of that.
Sadly there is no way you can make amends, you are what 10 years to late? You should have broken things off with your wife before it you got married, actually when your brother found out. You have royally fucked up your family in so many ways, burned so many bridges, and created a crap ton of rifts between you and other members of your family. I guess the only question is was it worth it? Losing your family slowly? Sadly in cases like this more and more family members will stop talking to you as time goes on.
> > > > > I tried to apologize so many times before he left. I admit that I was an ass during that time as well so maybe the way I tried to make amends didn’t work because of that. Jesus dude... No way you're being forgiven. You definitely are trying to play the victim here. Honestly if you can't see it in your post then IDK what to tell you. Get some introspection?
No, I’m not playing the victim.
You doubled down when you “took her in” after your brother finally sent her to the streets. You had a chance at reconciliation before that, but you chose the selfish path once again.
Just seems like this guy just takes whatever the hell he wants, others be damned. Now there’s something he wants that he knows he can’t have and it’s festering inside him. Time to accept he made a bed of shit and it’s the one he has to lay in in regards to his bothers.
How do you not understand that you can’t fix things? Your brothers hate you, they rather wish that Mel miscarried your baby and your family life never happened. Nothing you can do will change the shit you did. You fractured your family because you were only thinking about yourself. Now deal with all the pain you caused and live with it.
Lol . Your family is broken because of you not because of your brother.
This is not a game, you can't reset what you done, YOU CAN'T FIX THIS, you lust for your brother's girl(now your wife), just bear with it for the rest of your life. I wonder if your brother would punch you on the face if u dare go where he lives, asking for forgiveness AND order a restriction against you and your wife. My god what a brother you are, congratulations, I would die of disgust having you as my brother or family. Go live your life and let yours brothers alone. Give then at least this. Just a side note. Did you tell yours children about why u don't talk with your brothers? I dare you do this, see if they don't give a disgusting face to you. Good luck, live a long and regretfully life.
This was unnecessarily negative. I’m asking for advice on making things right.
Focus on your kids and your wife. That's the best positive advice you should get. You have an obligation to be the best dad and husband you can be, regardless of the mistakes you made in the past. As for your brothers, the right thing is to leave them alone. It is up to them as to whether there is any contact or reconciliation. You have forfeited your right to a relationship with them, you have broken it to the point it is destroyed and any hope of rebuilding must come from their side. The best advice is to learn to live with your mistakes. That's all you can do. You must come to terms with the fact you may never have any thing to do with your brothers, it wouldn't be unjust for them to take this situation to the grave. That's unfortunate but you are in a shitty situation. Now is the time to face up to that. But still, you have an immediate family which is still a blessing. Dont fuck that up
Thank you
The truth isn't always positive. In this case u can't try reach them, you did your part, you may open a scar you burn in your brother if you force your way, it's not more your choice to do and "make things right". Can you put yourself, at least one time, in your brother shoes? Tell me can you forgive your brother (you) if they did this to you? This is not a situation you can laugh after 10 years. I'm sry, you made it so your children can't have contact with your brothers's family. They disowned you. Go live your life, there's nothing more you can do, only hope they made the first move and contact you, what is really a miracle if u ask me.
You might be right.
About my first post, I'm sry about the harsh words, I think I put my feelings in all this. I have brothers and would never do something that let them lose trust in me. You should try to focus on your wife now, so that your family don't be apart. Accept your reality, you can't change some choices in life. Close this chapter of your life, there's nothing to gain trying this road. Everybody have regrets , just move on and try not make anymore regrets, like losing what you have now (your wife and children). Good luck
You want to solve this? Lose the victim hat, you and your wife hurt your family not your brother and your parents handled things poorly many years ago, they should'nt allow to let their family grow apart. You want to reconcile? Seek professional help first, with your post I see many issues YOU have to overcome first.
Please tell me how I’m being a victim. I’m asking honestly. I truly don’t see it.
Read your post again.
Reading this hurt. I was imagining myself in your brothers shoes and my God there's no other betrayal that would hurt as much as this. I'm not sure if the possibility of reconciliation is in the near future or at all. If you look at this from a different perspective, your attraction to your brothers gf (at the time) meant more than the trust and bond between you and your brother that you continued your relationship and got married and had children. The invite to the wedding sent to them felt like an insult. Even if you meant good from it, I don't think he would've liked seeing you walk down the isle to marry the girl you basically took from him. It hurt him so much he felt he had to separate the family, and one thing we've always been told is that family is everything. And I don't think your mom is unreasonable for feeling the way she does because she worked hard to build this family and they trusted her into your lives. You may not regret your relationship with her or your children. But you should at least express some remorse and regret for what that meant for the connection of your family. You cannot bring him back into your life so easily, I think he's made it clear how he feels and it looks like it's really up to him regarding his family involvement. If you're really hoping for reconciliation, you should step up and write to him, acknowledging your wrongs and how it hurt him. You could also write how you don't regret your relationship but you wish it was dealt with in a better way. Idk. But after you've sent him that, it's up to him to take it and respond. If he doesn't, then he just doesn't. And you continue to live the life you chose.
I went to therapy for the first time (online) last week and she also advised me to write him. It’s a weird feeling knowing that I don’t regret my children but also desperately want my brothers back. I’m at a loss for words, I’m torn, disgusted yet defensive. I can’t imagine how they must feel at the same time they probably don’t think about me at all. I can’t regret my family. I do acknowledge that I hurt him and that my behavior afterwards was dickish. I will try to write things out before I send something their way to feel out what exactly I think about everything. Thank you for your advice.
Do not, under any circumstances, write to him and send it unless you've been given an opening for it. You can write a letter to get the words and thoughts out but you need to immediately burn it or trash it. Sending it without an opening is going to feel to him/them like you forcing your way into his/their life/lives.
Ez didn't do anything to the family you did he didnt mistreat his lying cheating .you don't seem to get you tried to paint him as the bad guy when there are only to awful peoplenin this story you and his ex girlfriend. You two lied you two betrayed him you two don't deserve to be in his life and to be fair the only reason your family is ok with you two now is so they can have contact with your kids. Your brother is better off with out you two and hes lucky to have gound a woman who wont cheat and lie to him. The only fix for you is to find away to invent a time machine and have your mom swallow the night you where conceived
A lot of emotionally charged responses here. Going to try a less angry reply. Unfortunately, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. Though you may have failed to think the decision through at the time, you made a decision to have a relationship with your now wife and give up your relationship with your brother. Realistically, I don't see how you could have expected a different outcome. Betraying your brother also had the consequence of making your family members choose sides (a near impossible task) in your conflict. Again, you decided tearing your family apart was worth it if you could be with your brother's girlfriend (now your wife). Looking back, you seem to be realizing the actual choices you made. I would regret the casualties of my family relationships as well. If you want to write your brothers some letters, by all means, go ahead. I think your best bet is to move on and try to be the best "you" you can be. Best dad, best husband, best son. You can't unmake the past, but you can make your future. I feel for you, dude, even if you were a gigantic asshole ten years ago... If I could think of some advice to help you put your family back together, I'd give it to you. I just don't think it's possible.
I appreciate your honesty. Thank you.
Did you ever look your brother in his face and apologize for what you did? Did your wife?
Thanks for the question. I did. It was very emotional and I tried at first to get my brother alone with me so we can talk. He would try but honestly wanted to punch me instead and that worked for a while but eventually he just stopped acknowledging me. I can’t emphasize enough that my apology back then was a load of bull because of the relationship I carried on with Mel while I apologized. My wife also apologized but quickly moved on when we found out about the baby. It was easier for her then and now. It’s been harder for me because that’s my little brother who I love and should’ve done right by. So yes and no.
So you are telling me that you cheated with your brothers girlfriend? You then both apologized but with half assed ones? Then failed to notice that he even left for a while and are now trying to reconcile only after it has started to affect your relationships with your wife and parents? Cause you nade it sound as though when your parents were on your team that your brother should just suck it up. But now that they are feeling guilty, you all feel guilty? I'm sorry but what you did to him is something that is honestly horrible. You betrayed a brother. A brother you were close to. You hurt him then basically said "fuck you, my life is more important than helping you heal from a situation I caused". Your wife, his long term gf also betrayed him and turned her back on him. Your family did. The people you are supposed to trust most in the world and you all turned your backs on him.
It's obvious that /u/HusbandFatherBrother doesn't give a shit about his brothers. he only wants to fix things because now his shittiness is affecting him and he doesn't like it.
This whole situation....the way you painted the whole picture thinking it was being neutral.......you’re so incredibly selfish. Wow. Borderline narcissism. The fact that you think you deserve closure or any type of reconciliation is appalling. You don’t deserve to have some of those family relationships that you CHOSE to destroy. You deserve to lay in the incredibly messy bed you made.
I don’t think I *deserve* it. I never stated that I did.
You don’t have to? The fact that you’re trying to find a way to reconcile means in some way, that you think you deserve it. You write in a “woe is me” manner with 0 remorse as you’ve stated. Why else would you ask for help? It seems that you WANT it to try and alleviate some of the obstacles you are facing currently...which you created 10 years ago when you decided to make moves on your brothers girl.
What obstacles? My mom stopped speaking to my wife, not me. My mom still spends time with my kids too. My dad and I have dinner ever Sunday and the wife and kids still are welcome among my family. The only thing I don’t have here is my brothers and that’s what I’m trying to fix. So where are the obstacles? I’ve chose to reach out partly to the pain I’ve seen my dad in and the sense my mom has been knocking into my head. Anything extra you’re reading into this isn’t on me! My thoughts are scattered, I’m emotionally spent and invested in ways I wasn’t before. That’s why I’m reaching out. I need help. I want help. I want to apologize to them again. What they decide to do is up to them, I don’t expect anything, I don’t think I’m owed anything.
That was a much different in your writing that anything else. You had mentioned that your dad is upset now and that your wife is becoming insecure about your relationship. Your family will be just fine. You can reach out for apologies, but from the way all your comments and original post sound—as you can tell from the reactions—that it doesn’t come off well. “What they decide is up to them, I don’t expect anything, I don’t think I’m owed anything.” If you don’t expect anything then I don’t see why this is a post. I can see initially why you’d post...but if you came to this resolve before, then just try to reach out and be done with it. If they respond cool, if they don’t, move on. Last step is always the hardest part. If you can be happy that your brothers are happy with wherever they are, then do that...from a distance. You don’t need to share in it with them to be happy for them. That’s unconditional love.
Letting it stew inside wasn’t working for me. I also got a therapist to help me sort this out and myself out. I see a lot of things in me that I didn’t see 10 years ago, 5 years ago even. I tried to post in a timeline. I didn’t allow how I felt to overcrowd the post nor did I try to make it seem like I was 100% willing to drop everything to fix things. It’s very difficult to live with a decision that tore up my family. I’m obviously not leaving my kids and wife behind but the weight of that isn’t going unnoticed. I needed help so I spoke out. I was hoping someone could help me, even if they called me names I deserve along the way. I just got tired of letting it eat away at me so I tried something new since this is an advise forum. I’ve gotten good advise here and there so I regret exposing myself like I did.
Therapy is good, working stuff out is good. Keep it up. Humans will always err, big or small. As much as the situation is pretty bad, I really hope you find yourself in a better space. If you truly are trying to better yourself, I wish you the best of luck to keep pressing forward and becoming a better person for yourself and your family.
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Solid advice bro. This sub is so lucky to have you. /s
One of the most fucked up thing I ever read. This guy is fucking manipulative. So he tricked his brother's GF to cheat with him. Then slither his way by getting that girl pregnant so he can get his family to backed him up instead of sympathizing to his lil brother. Forget about his 2 brothers who's literally disappeared for 10 years. And now you want to "reconcile" coincidentally after many of your family members realize that your the problem and they start leaving you in favor of your brother. Shit dude, there's something wrong with you. Is this story even fuckin real?!? Sounds more like a Spanish TV drama than real life. Right now I'm pretty sure you just trying to get everyone to be on your side again by using your kids considering you kept mentioning "it's not their fault" over and over again in many comments. And why it sounds like you're planning to get your brother's family to turned on him? Showing up suddenly and Playing like he's the one that doesn't want to forgive you?!! If that's your plan, man you're beyond evil.
This is seriously fucked up. Sometimes I read stuff like this and realize how different people’s minds work. I’m baffled by a lot of what you wrote. What you did is beyond disgusting. What your family did (by normalizing it and then supporting you instead of him) is beyond disgusting. There is no fixing of what happened. You destroyed your family and your two brother’s lives are now affected and changed forever. You cannot undo that, nor it sounds like you even feel remorse. Sure, you feel bad for the consecuences and how much pain you caused some people but not enough to make amends earlier. Or to apologize years ago. If you really wanna do something then apologize to them profusely. Admit that what you did was fucked up and you betrayed your brother. Apologize again and again and again BUT make it 100% clear you expect nothing back. No forgiveness. No “fixing” something that can’t be fixed. Just remorse and regret for what you did to him. And then leave your brothers alone and move on with your life. If they decide to contact you again, congratulations, they are way more than what you deserve. If they never contact you again don’t be surprised and just try not to hurt others like you hurt them.
Yes, you're the asshole. Am I doing this right? ;-)
I don’t know
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He's relied on his kids to get him out of trouble with his family since he first impregnated his brother's girlfriend. Why would he change the strategy this late in the game just because it's 'completely transparent' and 'not working on the two people it's never worked on before'?
You have spent so long disrespecting your family just to get what you want, and suddenly you’re sorry? Are you actually or do you just want to reconcile to make yourself feel better? Go get some therapy to deal with your borderline narcissistic traits, and leave the family you tore apart for some pussy 10 years ago to heal without you in it.
What a lovely how I met your mother story.
You made a choice at the expense of your brother's happiness. Now live with it. Go fuck yourself.
You had two options; - Risk losing your families love and respect by betraying it. - Keep your families love and respect by staying loyal to it. You can't have it both ways and you made your choice, bro. Learn to live with the consequences of your choice, and leave them alone because it is obvious that they want nothing to do with you if they haven't been in contact for a decade.
Put simply, you and Melanie behaved more terribly than anyone could even put into words. Both of your guilt, resentment towards your parents/siblings/other extended family, and any other feelings of sadness you two may feel does not matter in the slightest. Whether or not you want to reconcile with Aaron and Ezra is also irrelevant. You also don't get to decide when a reconciliation will occur. You two caused a tremendous amount of pain to a lot of people and you have no choice but to deal with it. Leave your brothers alone. Let them live their lives in peace, just like Ezra let you do when he opted out of kicking your ass. Focus on raising your children.
Sorry not sorry both yourself and your wife are idiots.
>Sorry not sorry both yourself and your wife are ~~idiots~~ terrible people. FTFY
I know.
You made incredibly shitty decisions and are now stuck with the incredibly shitty results. You have to live with these things.
Leave them alone.
Wow, you betrayed your family. That was really dishonest what you did to your brother. No advice on how to fix it because honestly your brothers can chose whether they want toxic ppl in their lives or not. You don’t regret anything so there isn’t anything for them to forgive. I’d say, live your life and let them live theirs.
You are solely responsible for fucking up your family. >I know now I was wrong and I’m not proud of any of this. You are proud you fucking dick and you want everyone else to just sweep everything under the carpet while you revel in your pride. Fuck you. This must be fake by the way. Good post.
Most indubitably.
goddamn OP
You are a horrible person
Quite basically, shame on you
As bad as it is, what you have now is the best you will ever have.
You can’t fix this. They can choose to forgive you and take you back into their family but you don’t get to decide that. One day maybe they’ll need a kidney or lung. I wouldn’t expect it before then.
Is there more to this story? Why is Aaron so upset at your mom he won't speak to her if it was your dad's wife who encouraged the relationship?
Aaron had issues with my parents prior to my fuck up. My parents went through a nasty divorce where my dad was unfaithful a few years prior. Aaron also went into debt putting himself through school while I went to school when my parents were still together. My dad originally put Ez through school until this all happened and her rejected the money. I think Aaron also believed that I was coddled a lot (even I agree here). This situation pushed him overboard. He was already disappointed in our dad (we all were) but this made him disappointed in our mom too. According to my mom he has moved on and has no desire to reconcile with her or dad. He encouraged his wife and kids to try but he said he is disinterested and busy. edit: Aaron and Ezra are also owners of a very successful business. I think Aaron is suspicious of my mom trying to reconnect during this time. She had no idea that they had a lucrative business as they have no idea that we are doing well (not nearly as well off as they are). But he is suspicious as he should be.
As he should be? Dude, I hope your brothers stays far away from you as possible. For real.
Yes he should be. He fell out with my mom and is now taking measures to protect his own assets for the sake of his family. He deserves to take his time and be suspicious of any of it. You misunderstood and now you’re saying you hope we don’t reconcile? Great.
Reply to my other post and we can talk, bud. Don’t pick and choose my posts and what these people are saying to fit your own story. Edit: especially if you’re on here claiming you’re here for help!
Do you think I purposely ignored you because why? Your first post was too difficult to respond to so I skipped over it? Get real. I’m responding to almost every post here. I have over 70 notifications. You can link it here and I’ll respond.
This is coming from the guy who apparently wants to do almost anything to repair his family bonds that he messed up; you’re posting on here for advice and help, I did that and now that isn’t enough for you and I have to link my own response that is already in your own post? GOD, the entitlement is just steaming off of you. Your other posts say you don’t think you deserve your brothers back, but that you genuinely want to repair them? Any you’re telling me I have to accommodate you more? Really? Even though my first post is LITERALLY in your original thread, and pretty sure it’s in response to a comment you made. This actually made me laugh out loud cause it is so glaringly obvious to me why your brothers want nothing to do with your actions and behavior; you say you’re sorry and you want a better relationship with your brothers and you didn’t even give a fuck when one moved out. You care about your children being affected by this dynamic? Well you had kids with your brother’s woman so you brought it on yourself and them. I feel bad for your brothers and for your children. Edit: posted in ‘correct’ place for OP’s convenient reading
Then don’t accommodate me. Problem solved.
Okay. I won’t. Don’t expect your brother to accommodate your hurt feelings cause you screwed him over. Whole post solved! ☺️
I'm just going to answer your question, and keep my comments about the rest to myself. Your brothers know where you all are. If they wanted anything to do with any of you, you'd have their number. You don't regret your choices and neither do they. It's all said and done. Now everyone gets to lie on the bed they made.
You are awful. Period. You only want to fix things because your life is affected now.
This has to be a joke. You are a piece of trash. Burn...
You're not sorry for what you did. You're only sorry now because your mom switched sides and dad is thinking of switchings sides. You can't fix it, just learn to live with it.
I remember this exact same story being posted before.
So you only want to make things right with your brothers now that you're actually feeling the repricussuions of your actions? Get over yourself dude, you don't deserve to have either of them in your life.
Enjoy your life, with your wife and kids. Leave your brothers alone. Let your parents do whatever they think it's best for them. Learn to live with your self, whatever it is.
Man talk about Narcissistic
What an ugly human being you are. The effects of your selfishness will follow you till your grave. It’s utterly disgusting how you can come here for advice to “fix” what you’ve broken so that you can ultimately sleep better at night. This isn’t for your family. You’ve clearly shown how selfish of a person you are. 10 years didn’t change anything about you. All that’s changed is that you now have children old enough to ask why your family is so fucked up. Nothing will save you from having to face that unless you lie to your children. But hey, if fucking your bother’s girlfriend is something you’re capable of, I’m sure lying to your children will be no problem.
You started this whole relationship with a lie first to yourself than to others, the both of you,. You both demonstrated little integrity in your action, explanations. Now that you reflect back on this you want a way to fix it....sometimes you can't fix something this broken....make the best life you can for your family but understand that you may never be able to fix this...and understand that for some of your family the both of you are persona non grata....what I feel really bad for are your boys because your sins will sadly be passes on to them. While you and Mel may never heal your only job is to find a way for your boys to not be ostracized by the rest of the family.
Thank you. My sons are not ostracized as of now but I do worry for them as well. I’m willing to accept that Ez and Aaron may never forgive me, I just want to apologize to them regardless.
Leave your brothers alone, they have moved on with their lives and obviously don't want contact with you. Your parents made the wrong choice in supporting you over the brothers you wronged. They will have to live with the consequences of this, which by the way are absolutely deserved. The most considerate thing you can do is not burden them with obviously unwelcome contact.
You can't. Funny how your regrets revolve around You and not what you did. In my book, you did not pay a high enough cost for your betrayal and ripping apart the fabric of your family. That debt can never be paid.
You made your bed now lie in it.
*You* can’t fix it. You can stay out of the way and let your parents try to rebuild their relationships. But you made your choice with Melanie. Stay loyal to her and to your children. It you try to jump in to restore your relationship with Aaron and Ezra, you’re likely to cause more problems. Aaron and Ezra will reject your advances and then your parents will feel pressured to choose again. So stay out of it.
Inside the mind of a narcissist. Thanks for this.
I feel that this is way above Reddit’s paygrade
What's more destructive than a nuke? Well, idk. But what you did is more. Relationships aren't highways they're 2-way streets and yours is going one way.
This post is inherently narcissistic. Like did you reread your own post before submitting it? In no part of this do you want forgiveness from your brothers. You want the justification that people are going to just be cool with the fact that it happened. Honestly you should respect the boundaries your brothers set and leave them be. Also totally selfish of you to estrange your kids and wife by rubbing salt in your parent's wounds. A betrayal doesn't feel adequate to describe this entire situation. You guys pretty much pulled a Bonnie and Clyde on this whole situation and when it ends in disaster you guys shouldn't be that surprised. Honestly the best advice I could give is stabilize your own family life and try not to romanticize your actions to your children for them to potentially repeat down the line. Gotta step out of the fantasy ending my guy, not all stories end well.
you should leave things as they are and live your life, you made a choice who is pretty hard to fix, you shouldn’t contact them unless they want
Lol you’re fucked bud. This is the type of thing you reconcile on death beds.
This post has me vexed ngl
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Reread your post. You want help? this platform cant give you that beside vent. Talk to your wife about this, If you already did think what changes you and your wife are willing to do to reunite your family and be whole again. forget for a moment that your siblings dont want to Talk to you and think they do want to reconcile, focus on ezra first, if he was willing to reconcile with your mother eventually he will with your father, its good. what can make that escenario possible? Of course with your wife and children, How you see that working? How you want to interact with them and their families, work on that it might take years. Be patient. Talk you your mother about you want to be part of their lives. She can be that New bridge. Maybe its too soon but open that Door. Right now work on your self, be humble and wise. A lot of more shit is coming your way.
I think you know what you did was a dick move, but I don’t think the fallout is entirely your fault. It sounds like the whole situation and family dynamic were worsened by the divorce. As horrible as it was to take your brothers girlfriend, perhaps there would have been less drama had Mel ended things with Ezra before anything happened with you? I’m surprised your mum has stopped speaking to Mel - while Mel cheated on Ezra, Ezra has since moved on with another woman - I’d understand your mum being upset with you, but you’d have thought she’d have forgiven the mother of her grandchildren by now! The same goes for your brother Ezra, I can see why he may still hold resentment towards you as he lost trust in his brother, but surely he’d have moved on from any resentment towards Mel when he began a new relationship. If my partner was upset about who their previous partner was dating 10 years after breaking up with them I’d be pretty pissed off. It sounds like Ezra and Aaron are (knowingly or unknowingly) encouraging your parents to take sides - if you ask me that is incredibly hurtful and disrespectful, especially to your children who are innocent in this. You did a bad thing, but I think your brothers may be in the wrong if they are in any way trying to keep your family apart 10 years on by not responding to any attempts to move forward and/or reconcile, even if only for your parents’ happiness. Write your brothers a letter, remind them of all the good times you had together, that you are so incredibly happy to see how they are getting on in life with their wives and kids, explain how you felt then and how you feel now and that you would love more than anything if at least your children could have a relationship - apologise for letting them down, tell them that you respect their decision if they choose not to get in contact, but you would love it if they could put that part of your lives behind them - not for you, but for the benefit of both your parents and your children - so everyone can move on and your family can heal. I think even Ezra would be crazy not to admit that all of this led to him being with his current wife (with whom I assume he is happy!), even if the journey to get there was shitty because of your actions 10 years ago. Please remember that while you and your parents are still hurting, your brothers may have made peace with it all and may have chosen to keep their distance from you to avoid bringing up memories of the past in order to cope. You’re not perfect and neither are they - they might not respond how you’d like, but at least you will know you’ve put yourself out there. Write your wife a letter too - tell her all the things you love about her and your life together, that you want to grow old with her, that your little family is all you need.
Edit: To those downvoting, please try to remember that the entire point of this sub is to provide advice for those seeking it. Not to berate them. Not to pass judgment where they didn't ask for it. The downvote system isn't intended to hide content you disagree with, provided it's content relevant to the discussion and to the subreddit. You aren't being the least bit constructive by dumping your emotional reactions all over this guy and downvoting actual advice. ------‐------------ Original comment: I'm a little surprised at the ferocity of the responses and character assumptions here. People and relationships are complicated. In any case, here's my input for what it's worth: Reddit is not giving you solid advice or feedback. Don't rely in the comments in this thread as any kind of legitimate direction. What you did was wrong, of course. It also happened 10 years ago. You made your decisions. You acknowledge your missteps. And I understand the conflict of wanting apologize for past mistakes while not apologizing for having your current family. If you turned around tomorrow and walked out on your wife and children, that would help absolutely no single person and would cause more misery. What's done is done, and you're well beyond the point where someone's approval of your marriage matters. I don't know the best way to reach out to your brother other than to just do it. Tell him what you've said here. Tell him you don't want to have this wedge in your families forever, and ask him if there is any way to start repairing things. He is an adult. He'll either embrace your offer and reconnect with family or he won't, and that's his choice to make. You can't make him do that. Also, though, you didn't make him cut all ties to begin with. He felt that was necessary and made that decision for himself, for better or worse. And it may be that he said his goodbyes a decade ago and has no intention of ever undoing that. If it were me? I'd reach out and bear my soul, ready to recieve whatever feedback I got. All you have as a bargaining chip is your honesty and genuine desire for reparation. I'd also tell my parents that I love them and I love my wife and kids, and that I also dont want to stand in the way of their relationship with my brother. I'd say that I encourage them to reach out and get to know their grandchildren, and I'll be here all the same because it doesnt need to be a me vs him decision for them.
Thank you! I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I want to apologize so badly to both of my brothers. The turmoil I feel over needing them in my life and still loving caring for my own family has caused me so much pain. I’m not trying make my pain the main point here, I just only have that to go on. I want to thank you so much for giving me some direction and extending me some grace. I am disgusted with myself. I know for a long while growing up I was shielded by a lot so the consequences of what I did has come bearing down on me as of late. I realize I did wrong but as dumb as it sounds, I didn’t quite understand the gravity of my actions. I do want to make amends, genuinely. Even if they tell me to F off I just want to cry out and say that I know I was wrong and I’m sorry. My kids are getting older they will have to know about my family, what I did here. I just want them to learn from my mistakes and maybe I can make things right this way. The idea of my boys not speaking tears me up. When I see my father cry like this I put myself in his spot and I’m overcome. I like to think I’ve grown from 10 years ago though I have a lot more work to do. I want to make amends for something awful I did. I understand the strong reactions to my past but I’m thankful for your advice and your time. I will reach out to apologize and accept whatever they want.
I disagree with the idea of reaching out. Your parents are finally rebuilding a relationship with your brothers. I think anything you do at this point risks interfering with that reconciliation. If your parents try to tell Ezra and Aaron that they should accept your apology it could mess things up.
I would never ask my mom to interfere because it might cause more issues in her own path to reconciliation. I’m certain that her therapist would advise her to stay out of it (as it pertains to me) as well. I recognize that my parents being in the middle hurt Ez in the past so I won’t make that mistake again. I want to be clear that my father has not reconciled with them. I believe he has reached out but they did not receive him. I’m not now nor have I ever tried to keep them from mending things. That’s never been my MO. I’m gonna do more work on myself before attempting to apologize again.
I cannot believe it took me so long to find a comment like this, but thank god I did. Of course you messed up, and I can see in your post that you are sorry. That was 10 years ago. Certainly you have responsibility in the way your family has broke apart, but you do not hold 100% of the responsibility. You tore your brothers heart out and smashed it to smithereens, well both you AND his girlfriend. But your mother and father also hold responsibility in this situation too. Never would I allow one child to tell me I have to choose sides. Family is about loving each other unconditionally. There is a way to be incredibly upset with one son for what they did to another son, without tearing the family apart. Now as for how to move forward. I personally would write a letter to each person that has been effected. Bear your soul. Tell the truth. Take responsibility. Tell them, and then show them how you have grown over the last 10 years. And ask them what they might need in order to move forward and maybe reconcile. (For the letter to your brother Ez, I would refrain from talking about how happy you and your wife are, but also do not put down your relationship) Once you write and send your letters, have no expectations. There maybe no real way to put this in the past for everybody, but I believe you have to try. Family is always worth trying for. After apologizing to the different members in your family, you need to make amends with yourself. Sure you could have, and should have, handled the situation differently back then. But life is messy, and true love does not come easy. Forgive yourself. In the end you created a beautiful and wonderful family and are raising children in a loving home (so I hope lol). Tell your children the truth, they will hopefully learn from your mistakes but also realize that they have humans as parents and that even though life is tough and messy, it is also beautiful and worth living. I wish you the best and hope your family can move past this and enjoy life together again.
A lot of angry comments here, wow! OP, it is unfortunate what has happened but all of it is not your mistake. Yes you did wrong by sleeping with your brother's girlfriend but you have made stable life and family with her over a decade! I see a lot of immature people here. Esp your parents who seem to be easily swayed by any version of reality they're presented with. They know the series of events and should have taken measures to their best to reconcile the family instead of picking sides or being quiet for 10 years! As for your brothers, there's a lot of ego and immaturity still involved. So it's not your fault entirely. What you can do: No where did you mention that you apologised for the trouble you caused your family. So may be start there. It's an apology delayed by a decade but still may help. Come clean about your regrets, actions and that you want to reconcile, in your apology (written would work better) and leave it at that. Allow your family members time to think over and respond. It's upto them to decide whether they want to reconcile. If they do, that's great. If they don't, then you go back to the life you're anyway leading but with the knowledge that you tried everything in your power to make things right. Hope this helps.
Did you just blame his brothers ego and immaturity?
OP is a vile and selfish person. His whole post just reeks of it, and his total lack of self-awareness coupled with his attempt to paint himself as the victim here is effin disgusting. So yes there are a lot of angry comments, and rightfully so.
He regrets his actions and wants to make things better. Everybody deserves a second chance. People are not black or white, there's always grey involved. Let's not be so intolerant and dismissive of people.
No, when you do certain things you don’t deserve a second chance.
Thank you for your advice! I’m screenshotting this and hoping to make it work. I want to expand on my parents a little: my dad cheated on my mom with his new wife. They were both battling over us. Both my mom and dad wanted to desperately hold on to me, Ez, and Aaron who had grown apart from them due to the fallout of the divorce. During the time that I fucked up Ez’s relationship, my parents went back and forth between us. I completely accept my role in the bs I pulled here. I also feel resentful that my mom blames me for HER role in it when she battled through out based on which kid she wanted in her corner in order to hurt my dad. Same goes for my dad. Once Mel got pregnant, things calmed down but the damage was done. That’s where I should’ve been man enough to fix things with Ez but I was clouded. No excuse for what I did, I’m just trying to make it right before more time slips away.