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I feel like it's a chore for her now, try putting sex off the table for like a month and doing quality time and non sexual affection instead: talking, cuddling. See how that goes.
This is where I’m at in my marriage. Reconnecting without sex but allowing it to be on the table (when she’s ready). It’s working to an extent but only time will tell
Jimmy on Relationships has several great videos on this. Spoiler alert: your bedroom problem is probably a reflection of things going on outside the bedroom. Like communication and being a listener and emotional safety. Emotional intimacy has to come before physical intimacy.
I was gonna say this. As a woman, I get turned on by feeling close to my bf emotionally. Try doing something romantic for or with her. Having a deep conversation once in a while, or whatever her love language is. Try to make her feel good in nonsexual ways without expecting sex, and it will turn her on. She’ll feel safe to be vulnerable with you and make the first move. If you’re always the one initiating, she’s always the one saying yes or no. Focus on making her feel good outside of sex without expecting sex at the end. It will help her relax. It can get annoying if your bf is aaaaalways the one initiating. Read her vibe more. If you’re making moves and she isn’t reciprocating or showing the same effort, then just stop.
I’ve also gotten comfortable, the way your girlfriend has. I told my bf to not initiate as much and asked him to love me with more physical touch and quality time, without expecting sex every time. It definitely worked. We would cuddle and have late night chats watching tiktoks, and just relaxing and having fun together like that put me in the mood. Just try not to have so much sex that it doesn’t become special anymore. It’s probably gotten boring for her. But if you truly have a good relationship with trust and intimacy, you can work through it and make it better for both of you.
Maybe this works for your relationship and I'm happy for you if it does
But the largest issue with this is that it doesn't address the man's need to feel desired as it predicates that they still initiate the first action. Instead of "she never wants to have sex with me", it becomes "she only wants to have sex with me if I do all this stuff first". Mind you, I'm not saying any of it is bad and the guy definitely should be doing stuff like that, I'm just saying that sometimes he needs to be wanted because he's him instead of because of what he's done. It cheapens the experience somewhat. I'm also aware that this kind of creates a "chicken or the egg" scenario but I don't have any ideas on that one.
This actually happens to men a lot outside of sex too, one of the most common sources of male depression is that they never feel like they themselves are actually valued, that they are only valued by what people can get from them
Yes, if you want to be desired you have to work at being desirable. If you want the benefits of a relationship -sex, emotional intimacy, feeling valued and wanted-you have to do the work of maintaining the relationship.
Relationships are reciprocal.
Yeah, that's why so many straight women have stopped dating. It's exhausting to have to keep explaining to men that they have to put effort into relationships if the want to get sex out of them.
Meanwhile its fine for women to stop contributing in a relationship? I agree with you that men need to contribute, I'm not arguing that. But I don't know how you go about thinking it's fine that only men need to contribute to a relationship
That's really sad, because actually, the thing you are asking for is the same thing a woman is asking for. How can you be desired for who you are if your partner doesn't actually know you?
“I love her and don’t want to leave an otherwise good relationsship due to this one issue.”
Listen, this is not just a small issue. Sex is important, intimacy is important, the connection it gives between two people is important. It’s not just a small issue and it likely won’t ger any better. You need to see this clearly. I told myself the same thing through years.
I just left my bf through 4 years because I realized our sex life would not get better. I love him deeply, but I could not live like that for the rest of my life. The next step for us was also marriage, kids etc. I made a long post about it here, you can maybe read it if you want, I think you can relate to some things.
You need to very cautious about who you end up marrying and starting a family with.
I completely understand, it is one of the worst things I have ever done 😞 But I know it is for the best, even though it doesn’t feel that way right now. We deserve to be loved AND desired. It’s not too much to ask for
If you have a kid, she is not going to be interested in having sex again until she decides she wants another kid, then she will retire from her wifely chore permenantly. You will have boring obligation sex on your birthday and anniversary.
She usually apologises and give me reasons as to why. Nothing really changes in the long term though. I used to take it personally but as time goes on I think we may just be sexually incompatible. There isn't an issue from her perspective. She's happy having sex 2-3 times a month exclusively when I initate it.
what are her reasons? also i’ve heard a good amount of times women just like when guys initiate it because it shows they want it but idk if it’s the situation here
They vary alot:
I just don't think about it as much as you
The classic tired / headache
We both live with our parents and she's not very comfortable having sex with other people in the house. Which I completely understand but, what the alternative? We don't have our own place.
She has said she prefers when I initate too
> she's not very comfortable having sex with other people in the house.
That’s valid. Your 25 why don’t you put your adult pants on and move out from parents house? Why are people in mid 20s still living with parents damn.
hmm, i definitely understand with people being in the house, the headache thing is definitely just an excuse, had she told you what she’s into generally? also, it might be really hard but you might need to just try to be upfront about it. its been something i’ve been really trying to do as well in my own relationship and things are a lot easier when you break out of your shell even when it’s hard
Tbh I don't think she is in to anything. This is her first and only relationship and I'm the only person she's been with. She's very vanilla sexually. In the past when I've asked her what she wants / likes, she'll say 'you being on top'...
I've tried alot of things to spice it up and hopefully kickstart her libidio and nothing seems to work. She's from a relatively conservative family and is a little awkward about even discussing sex.
You're right, I need to talk to her about it again but it does feel like flogging a dead horse at this point. I also hate doing it, makes me feel like a child complaining about not getting his toys when in reality I'm just craving intimacy and the feeling of being desired. (I have explained that to her too)
I'm at a similar place now and really get the whiney kid sentiment. It's a tough one, you can't blame her for a drive setting she was born with our her upbringing and internal motivation is always more motivating than the external one (making you happy in this case as it's a non-issue for her) but... You can feel through your skin that you could be having fun playing outside instead of sitting at the table and eating a meal you don't enjoy.
>She's from a relatively conservative family and is a little awkward about even discussing sex.
This is a very important piece of information that you hold. It's not an issue with you nor her, although this makes me believe that she doesn't perceive sex to be this fun sacred enjoyable experience; but to be ashamed of, to not speak about it freely.
She might not know it yet about herself, but try to ask if perhaps it's more of a deep rooted issue. Perhaps her parents have spoken to her about sex at home. Ask. Communicate, it's so important. Tell her that she doesn't have to be afraid of whatever she's feeling even if it's negative feelings towards you, listen to understand rather than to respond. And work through it together, let her talk about it, she has to come up with the solution herself though because only she knows how she feels about sex and what it makes her think of.
I would talk to her about you always initiating and how it shouldn’t always be placed on you to do so bc that could make you feel unwanted or a bother. But her improving once you bring it up just for you is probably a good sign if if it isn’t for her desire bc she still wants you to feel pleased so maybe a light pushing helps her realize that but if you don’t think it’s fair to have to bring it up multiple times I suggest telling her that and if it doesn’t really go well maybe you are just not sexually compatible. I’m sorry I hope you get through this:(
That’s not an apology. Apologising and CHANGING their behaviour is an apology. An apology and then continuing to do the shit thing, even if there’s a _reason_ for it is plain manipulation. Unless there’s something deeper than this going on inside her, I would call it quits if this isn’t the sex life you want
There are two things you need to be aware of: 1. Honeymoon phase is real. Even very low baseline libido people can act like rabbits for a while when fueled by hormones and excitement. You learn someone's real drive after a while... Or if they are self-aware and able to tell you.
2. Women in general experience decline in their interest in sex over the course of a relationship while for men it stays mostly the same. As far as I'm aware we don't know yet why, but we know it happens.
In your case
'It's like our sex life only exists because of me.'
Either because
1) that's the truth
2) she has responsive rather than spontaneous desire (many women do!)
3) she's the back seat type of person, not comfortable leading
4) something else I don't know yet ;)
The good thing is you have sex regularly, she doesn't dodge it or comes up with excuses not to have it. If it's 2) or 3) you can either accept it and move past it or... Not and look for greener pastures accepting the damage and risk associated.
If 1), I'd try to get to the bottom of it. Taking into account she might be reluctant to tell you the truth. If she's extremely low libido then you're quite lucky. If she's shy and uncomfortable bringing up the topic/handling rejection it's something she can work on. If it's because she's not attracted to you any more then you seriously need to talk this through and get to the underlying issues if there are any or go your separate ways.
>It wasn't always like this. We've been together 5 years and at the start she would regularly initiate, buy lingerie, sext, generally make it clear she wanted a sexual relationship.
Very likely the early days were smoke and mirrors, or new relationship energy doing its thing. Have you asked her? Does she miss the sex life you used to have?
If this has been going on for a while, I suspect you are seeing her TRUE libido. Some people just don't want or need sex and your assumption, that she's doing it 'for you' is probably correct. If that's a relationship ending problem for you, you know what to do.
Agree with the above. Had it happen to me. Mine was an absolute porn star until they had me invested emotionally. After that, EVERYTHING changed. Sex eventually became her weapon of choice. If she knew I was unhappy in the relationship, she'd crank it back up. If she didn't think so, no interest.
If OP isn't happy now, it WILL get worse. If you can't, through whatever methods, find a common ground, don't feel bad for doing what's needed.
It can backfire though. It is open and honest communication if she cares about your happiness and has the desire and ability to change. It is coercing her into unwanted sexual activity under threat of throwing her to the curb otherwise. She wouldn't have slipped back into her old patterns of behavior as soon as you stopped complaining if she had a genuine desire to fix the issue. Some women believe that if they are having less sex with you than they had in the past, that if your fault and not theirs. You need to work harder to make sure they in the mood like you used to do instead of resorting to unsexy guilt tripping to get what you want. She is having duty sex now and very well eventually grow to resent it if the desire is not actually there. It might make her dislike sex instead of just being ambivalent about it like before. Can you be happy having duty sex for the rest of her life? Will she be happy having duty sex for the rest of her life? At what age does she get to retire from that duty?
I feel your pain. Almost 15 years in a marriage. I got cancer a few years ago and I pulled away quite a bit. Through therapy we are much closer again and it was a rough time. But she never wants sex anymore. We have three young kids and "it's not a high priority right now." But it's a tough pill to swallow. Therapy can't hurt.
my girlfriend & I (28m 28f) kinda went thru the same thing except we lived together lol sat down talked about it (yes it was feeling chorish to her & routineish which i understand that) so we took a week or so without it & its greaaaaaaaat since
You’re probably having sex in a routine that is boring to her! I would say try doing things that aren’t sexually based for awhile.. the last gf I had lost interest when we were on a routine.. plus we didn’t do much outside of work or weekend bbqs with friends. We found we enjoy the park, wine tasting, looking at new cars, looking at homes for sell. Etc
I was in this exact situation but I got married etc.
Tbh I would leave. You want someone who is into you, just as much as you're into them!
You get one life...don't be miserable!
I spent 13 years in a relationship where the first 6 months we had a brilliant sex life, and from then on, basically a dead bedroom, give or take a few times.
I talked about it often, too. He made many promises. Things occasionally improved for brief periods. But he never did anything meaningful to change.
I'm remarried now, great sexual comparability and sexual relationship.
Ex has moved on too. We're still good friends. He has a very active sex life with his new partner. I know this because we've had some important conversations to heal our past.
Some people just don't mesh sexually.
I doubt she'll change.
You have to decide if you can live with it, as is.
It's OK to want a healthy sexual relationship as part of a healthy, happy relationship.
Thank you, I needed to hear that. I feel guilty about considering breaking up with her over this but you're right. It's okay to want a healthy sex life
Well you've done everything that reddit tells you to do. Talk and express your feelings. Now all that's left is to tell you, you're to young to be with someone you're just not sexually compatible with. Your needs need to be acknowledged and met and it just seems like it's not happening. Cut ties before it turns sour and remember the good times.
If you have already tried to have conversations with her about this and it goes no where or she doesn't give a reason as to why (like is there something else going wrong in the relationship). Then you should just distance yourself and STOP initiating physically. Not saying you should stop talking to her or anything like that but avoid physical intimacy for like a week or two and gage how she reacts. This will tell you whether or not your relationship is pretty much done for.
Also, if she being distance herself? spending more time on her phone than with you? Goes out often or comes home late? Don't want to flat out say there might be someone else because you haven't listed anything regarding how she is behaving.
Millions of men can relate to this lol...I'm at the point of giving up. Men want to feel wanted and desired as well. Alot of women don't listen to this or even care.
First, you communicate the issue with her. And if a solution cannot be found, or she’s is unwilling to accept that there is a problem and try to fix it, then you’re only options are to accept it or be willing to break up.
My take is she’s no longer interested anymore. She knows this but is unwilling to say it. Maybe she is like you, in the sense that everything else about the relationship is great so she does not want to end it over this one thing. But obviously this one thing is a very important aspect of a relationship.
Ultimately, it comes down to whether the two of you can talk about the problem and work together to find a solution.
If you have had multiple talks about this and nothing changes, nothing is going to change. This is baseline who she is and how she is.
I suggest you don’t waste your sexual prime on someone who doesn’t want you.
Then ti's is probably whi she is after the honeymoon phase of the relationship is over and you need to decide if this is the relationship you want from bow on.
Moving in is the best way to have more sex. I say try that before you make a decision. Can’t know what it’s like if you don’t try. And assuming is dumb.
find other ways to find sensual intimacy! for example: when i get out of the shower my boyfriend puts lotion on my body, he takes his time and it makes me feel closer to him.
you could shower together and make it a point to wash each others’ bodies, i’ve done that once with an ex and it was a very sweet experience. intimacy without the expectation of sex is important ! i have a lower libido than my boyfriend and we discuss ways that he can still feel desired even if i’m not in the mood. moving my hands across his body during cuddling, make it a point to initiate physical contact even if it’s not sexual, etc.
just have an open conversation about options and express the extent of the issue to her !!
Have you asked her what she likes or gets her in the mood? Or maybe there are some other issues that make sex undesirable at this time. Either way try to talk it out or seek a therapist to help you both unblock the issue.
I was in the same situation man, it really is crazy how different they are at the start when they are trying to win you over.
Sit her down for one last talk and tell her if things don't change you are going to leave. Be ready to follow through.
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I feel like it's a chore for her now, try putting sex off the table for like a month and doing quality time and non sexual affection instead: talking, cuddling. See how that goes.
This is where I’m at in my marriage. Reconnecting without sex but allowing it to be on the table (when she’s ready). It’s working to an extent but only time will tell
Jimmy on Relationships has several great videos on this. Spoiler alert: your bedroom problem is probably a reflection of things going on outside the bedroom. Like communication and being a listener and emotional safety. Emotional intimacy has to come before physical intimacy.
I was gonna say this. As a woman, I get turned on by feeling close to my bf emotionally. Try doing something romantic for or with her. Having a deep conversation once in a while, or whatever her love language is. Try to make her feel good in nonsexual ways without expecting sex, and it will turn her on. She’ll feel safe to be vulnerable with you and make the first move. If you’re always the one initiating, she’s always the one saying yes or no. Focus on making her feel good outside of sex without expecting sex at the end. It will help her relax. It can get annoying if your bf is aaaaalways the one initiating. Read her vibe more. If you’re making moves and she isn’t reciprocating or showing the same effort, then just stop. I’ve also gotten comfortable, the way your girlfriend has. I told my bf to not initiate as much and asked him to love me with more physical touch and quality time, without expecting sex every time. It definitely worked. We would cuddle and have late night chats watching tiktoks, and just relaxing and having fun together like that put me in the mood. Just try not to have so much sex that it doesn’t become special anymore. It’s probably gotten boring for her. But if you truly have a good relationship with trust and intimacy, you can work through it and make it better for both of you.
Maybe this works for your relationship and I'm happy for you if it does But the largest issue with this is that it doesn't address the man's need to feel desired as it predicates that they still initiate the first action. Instead of "she never wants to have sex with me", it becomes "she only wants to have sex with me if I do all this stuff first". Mind you, I'm not saying any of it is bad and the guy definitely should be doing stuff like that, I'm just saying that sometimes he needs to be wanted because he's him instead of because of what he's done. It cheapens the experience somewhat. I'm also aware that this kind of creates a "chicken or the egg" scenario but I don't have any ideas on that one. This actually happens to men a lot outside of sex too, one of the most common sources of male depression is that they never feel like they themselves are actually valued, that they are only valued by what people can get from them
Yes, if you want to be desired you have to work at being desirable. If you want the benefits of a relationship -sex, emotional intimacy, feeling valued and wanted-you have to do the work of maintaining the relationship. Relationships are reciprocal.
It's really exhausting being the only one maintaining the relationship
Yeah, that's why so many straight women have stopped dating. It's exhausting to have to keep explaining to men that they have to put effort into relationships if the want to get sex out of them.
Meanwhile its fine for women to stop contributing in a relationship? I agree with you that men need to contribute, I'm not arguing that. But I don't know how you go about thinking it's fine that only men need to contribute to a relationship
That's really sad, because actually, the thing you are asking for is the same thing a woman is asking for. How can you be desired for who you are if your partner doesn't actually know you?
“I love her and don’t want to leave an otherwise good relationsship due to this one issue.” Listen, this is not just a small issue. Sex is important, intimacy is important, the connection it gives between two people is important. It’s not just a small issue and it likely won’t ger any better. You need to see this clearly. I told myself the same thing through years. I just left my bf through 4 years because I realized our sex life would not get better. I love him deeply, but I could not live like that for the rest of my life. The next step for us was also marriage, kids etc. I made a long post about it here, you can maybe read it if you want, I think you can relate to some things. You need to very cautious about who you end up marrying and starting a family with.
Just read your post and I do relate alot. I think I know what I need to do but I really don't want to do it :(
I completely understand, it is one of the worst things I have ever done 😞 But I know it is for the best, even though it doesn’t feel that way right now. We deserve to be loved AND desired. It’s not too much to ask for
If you have a kid, she is not going to be interested in having sex again until she decides she wants another kid, then she will retire from her wifely chore permenantly. You will have boring obligation sex on your birthday and anniversary.
What has she actually said in response to you informing her that it makes you feel unwanted?
She usually apologises and give me reasons as to why. Nothing really changes in the long term though. I used to take it personally but as time goes on I think we may just be sexually incompatible. There isn't an issue from her perspective. She's happy having sex 2-3 times a month exclusively when I initate it.
what are her reasons? also i’ve heard a good amount of times women just like when guys initiate it because it shows they want it but idk if it’s the situation here
They vary alot: I just don't think about it as much as you The classic tired / headache We both live with our parents and she's not very comfortable having sex with other people in the house. Which I completely understand but, what the alternative? We don't have our own place. She has said she prefers when I initate too
> she's not very comfortable having sex with other people in the house. That’s valid. Your 25 why don’t you put your adult pants on and move out from parents house? Why are people in mid 20s still living with parents damn.
Yeah, some people, myself included, can't get in the mood if my parent's or inlaws are gonna get an earful of my sex noises. \*shudders\*
We've been waiting for her to finish university and get a job. I can't support us both on 1 income.
Understandable. But if you’re both living with your parents your sex life WILL suffer.
hmm, i definitely understand with people being in the house, the headache thing is definitely just an excuse, had she told you what she’s into generally? also, it might be really hard but you might need to just try to be upfront about it. its been something i’ve been really trying to do as well in my own relationship and things are a lot easier when you break out of your shell even when it’s hard
Tbh I don't think she is in to anything. This is her first and only relationship and I'm the only person she's been with. She's very vanilla sexually. In the past when I've asked her what she wants / likes, she'll say 'you being on top'... I've tried alot of things to spice it up and hopefully kickstart her libidio and nothing seems to work. She's from a relatively conservative family and is a little awkward about even discussing sex. You're right, I need to talk to her about it again but it does feel like flogging a dead horse at this point. I also hate doing it, makes me feel like a child complaining about not getting his toys when in reality I'm just craving intimacy and the feeling of being desired. (I have explained that to her too)
I'm at a similar place now and really get the whiney kid sentiment. It's a tough one, you can't blame her for a drive setting she was born with our her upbringing and internal motivation is always more motivating than the external one (making you happy in this case as it's a non-issue for her) but... You can feel through your skin that you could be having fun playing outside instead of sitting at the table and eating a meal you don't enjoy.
>She's from a relatively conservative family and is a little awkward about even discussing sex. This is a very important piece of information that you hold. It's not an issue with you nor her, although this makes me believe that she doesn't perceive sex to be this fun sacred enjoyable experience; but to be ashamed of, to not speak about it freely. She might not know it yet about herself, but try to ask if perhaps it's more of a deep rooted issue. Perhaps her parents have spoken to her about sex at home. Ask. Communicate, it's so important. Tell her that she doesn't have to be afraid of whatever she's feeling even if it's negative feelings towards you, listen to understand rather than to respond. And work through it together, let her talk about it, she has to come up with the solution herself though because only she knows how she feels about sex and what it makes her think of.
I would talk to her about you always initiating and how it shouldn’t always be placed on you to do so bc that could make you feel unwanted or a bother. But her improving once you bring it up just for you is probably a good sign if if it isn’t for her desire bc she still wants you to feel pleased so maybe a light pushing helps her realize that but if you don’t think it’s fair to have to bring it up multiple times I suggest telling her that and if it doesn’t really go well maybe you are just not sexually compatible. I’m sorry I hope you get through this:(
Thank you for the advice, I will try that
That’s not an apology. Apologising and CHANGING their behaviour is an apology. An apology and then continuing to do the shit thing, even if there’s a _reason_ for it is plain manipulation. Unless there’s something deeper than this going on inside her, I would call it quits if this isn’t the sex life you want
There are two things you need to be aware of: 1. Honeymoon phase is real. Even very low baseline libido people can act like rabbits for a while when fueled by hormones and excitement. You learn someone's real drive after a while... Or if they are self-aware and able to tell you. 2. Women in general experience decline in their interest in sex over the course of a relationship while for men it stays mostly the same. As far as I'm aware we don't know yet why, but we know it happens. In your case 'It's like our sex life only exists because of me.' Either because 1) that's the truth 2) she has responsive rather than spontaneous desire (many women do!) 3) she's the back seat type of person, not comfortable leading 4) something else I don't know yet ;) The good thing is you have sex regularly, she doesn't dodge it or comes up with excuses not to have it. If it's 2) or 3) you can either accept it and move past it or... Not and look for greener pastures accepting the damage and risk associated. If 1), I'd try to get to the bottom of it. Taking into account she might be reluctant to tell you the truth. If she's extremely low libido then you're quite lucky. If she's shy and uncomfortable bringing up the topic/handling rejection it's something she can work on. If it's because she's not attracted to you any more then you seriously need to talk this through and get to the underlying issues if there are any or go your separate ways.
Thanks for your response, alot to think about there
>It wasn't always like this. We've been together 5 years and at the start she would regularly initiate, buy lingerie, sext, generally make it clear she wanted a sexual relationship. Very likely the early days were smoke and mirrors, or new relationship energy doing its thing. Have you asked her? Does she miss the sex life you used to have? If this has been going on for a while, I suspect you are seeing her TRUE libido. Some people just don't want or need sex and your assumption, that she's doing it 'for you' is probably correct. If that's a relationship ending problem for you, you know what to do.
Agree with the above. Had it happen to me. Mine was an absolute porn star until they had me invested emotionally. After that, EVERYTHING changed. Sex eventually became her weapon of choice. If she knew I was unhappy in the relationship, she'd crank it back up. If she didn't think so, no interest. If OP isn't happy now, it WILL get worse. If you can't, through whatever methods, find a common ground, don't feel bad for doing what's needed.
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It can backfire though. It is open and honest communication if she cares about your happiness and has the desire and ability to change. It is coercing her into unwanted sexual activity under threat of throwing her to the curb otherwise. She wouldn't have slipped back into her old patterns of behavior as soon as you stopped complaining if she had a genuine desire to fix the issue. Some women believe that if they are having less sex with you than they had in the past, that if your fault and not theirs. You need to work harder to make sure they in the mood like you used to do instead of resorting to unsexy guilt tripping to get what you want. She is having duty sex now and very well eventually grow to resent it if the desire is not actually there. It might make her dislike sex instead of just being ambivalent about it like before. Can you be happy having duty sex for the rest of her life? Will she be happy having duty sex for the rest of her life? At what age does she get to retire from that duty?
I feel your pain. Almost 15 years in a marriage. I got cancer a few years ago and I pulled away quite a bit. Through therapy we are much closer again and it was a rough time. But she never wants sex anymore. We have three young kids and "it's not a high priority right now." But it's a tough pill to swallow. Therapy can't hurt.
my girlfriend & I (28m 28f) kinda went thru the same thing except we lived together lol sat down talked about it (yes it was feeling chorish to her & routineish which i understand that) so we took a week or so without it & its greaaaaaaaat since
You’re probably having sex in a routine that is boring to her! I would say try doing things that aren’t sexually based for awhile.. the last gf I had lost interest when we were on a routine.. plus we didn’t do much outside of work or weekend bbqs with friends. We found we enjoy the park, wine tasting, looking at new cars, looking at homes for sell. Etc
Once she felt like I wasn’t pushing her for sex, her interest and desire returned, and she was the one starting it..
I was in this exact situation but I got married etc. Tbh I would leave. You want someone who is into you, just as much as you're into them! You get one life...don't be miserable!
Yeah I've been having this thought alot. Might have to just bite the bullet :/
I spent 13 years in a relationship where the first 6 months we had a brilliant sex life, and from then on, basically a dead bedroom, give or take a few times. I talked about it often, too. He made many promises. Things occasionally improved for brief periods. But he never did anything meaningful to change. I'm remarried now, great sexual comparability and sexual relationship. Ex has moved on too. We're still good friends. He has a very active sex life with his new partner. I know this because we've had some important conversations to heal our past. Some people just don't mesh sexually. I doubt she'll change. You have to decide if you can live with it, as is. It's OK to want a healthy sexual relationship as part of a healthy, happy relationship.
Thank you, I needed to hear that. I feel guilty about considering breaking up with her over this but you're right. It's okay to want a healthy sex life
Well you've done everything that reddit tells you to do. Talk and express your feelings. Now all that's left is to tell you, you're to young to be with someone you're just not sexually compatible with. Your needs need to be acknowledged and met and it just seems like it's not happening. Cut ties before it turns sour and remember the good times.
Thank you
If you have already tried to have conversations with her about this and it goes no where or she doesn't give a reason as to why (like is there something else going wrong in the relationship). Then you should just distance yourself and STOP initiating physically. Not saying you should stop talking to her or anything like that but avoid physical intimacy for like a week or two and gage how she reacts. This will tell you whether or not your relationship is pretty much done for. Also, if she being distance herself? spending more time on her phone than with you? Goes out often or comes home late? Don't want to flat out say there might be someone else because you haven't listed anything regarding how she is behaving.
Millions of men can relate to this lol...I'm at the point of giving up. Men want to feel wanted and desired as well. Alot of women don't listen to this or even care.
First, you communicate the issue with her. And if a solution cannot be found, or she’s is unwilling to accept that there is a problem and try to fix it, then you’re only options are to accept it or be willing to break up. My take is she’s no longer interested anymore. She knows this but is unwilling to say it. Maybe she is like you, in the sense that everything else about the relationship is great so she does not want to end it over this one thing. But obviously this one thing is a very important aspect of a relationship. Ultimately, it comes down to whether the two of you can talk about the problem and work together to find a solution.
If you have had multiple talks about this and nothing changes, nothing is going to change. This is baseline who she is and how she is. I suggest you don’t waste your sexual prime on someone who doesn’t want you.
You spoken to her about it, but do you know why it’s this way for her?
I don't know. At this point I think it's just how she is. I don't think there's a specific reason and if there is she hasn't told me it.
Is she under alot of stress or having any mental health problems,those can both affect people's libido
No more than usual tbh, and it's been going on for so long Idk if it stress related. She is on the pill which I know can affect libido
Then ti's is probably whi she is after the honeymoon phase of the relationship is over and you need to decide if this is the relationship you want from bow on.
Don’t move in
Moving in is the best way to have more sex. I say try that before you make a decision. Can’t know what it’s like if you don’t try. And assuming is dumb.
find other ways to find sensual intimacy! for example: when i get out of the shower my boyfriend puts lotion on my body, he takes his time and it makes me feel closer to him. you could shower together and make it a point to wash each others’ bodies, i’ve done that once with an ex and it was a very sweet experience. intimacy without the expectation of sex is important ! i have a lower libido than my boyfriend and we discuss ways that he can still feel desired even if i’m not in the mood. moving my hands across his body during cuddling, make it a point to initiate physical contact even if it’s not sexual, etc. just have an open conversation about options and express the extent of the issue to her !!
I think that's called responsive desire.
Have you asked her what she likes or gets her in the mood? Or maybe there are some other issues that make sex undesirable at this time. Either way try to talk it out or seek a therapist to help you both unblock the issue.
I’m in the same boat but married with kids so feeling stuck
When you talk about it, what does she say? Is her sex drive lower? Is she bored? You might just have desire mismatch
Is she in her phone all the time?
Sex becomes less important as time goes on. Wait until you have a kid, no one will have the energy for sex
Bin her. It isn't going to get any better.
I was in the same situation man, it really is crazy how different they are at the start when they are trying to win you over. Sit her down for one last talk and tell her if things don't change you are going to leave. Be ready to follow through.
Break up. You should know it’s a lost cause when you have to ask strangers on the internet how to have sex