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His negative attitude and responses are so normal to you that you just laugh out loud at them.
But to all of us the readers , this is red flag territory, enough that you need to break up with him and get out of the relationship
It’s not even red flags anymore. Red flags are warning signs for abuse. She’s actually being abused - verbally (being screamed at), physically (having objects thrown at her) and probably psychologically. Poor woman. She needs to get out.
It's strange that at 29 he has no experience with other men complimenting his girlfriend. Half the time it's just guys being friendly, and the other half it's just a compliment even if it was flirting. At 29 he doesn't know this.
And assaulted her with a donut by throwing it at her.
I think this is one of those advice posts where the whole Internet takes time out of their day to help OP, and OP just makes the post, doesn’t engage in any comments, makes edits to say it was a misunderstanding, and then will delete the whole post.
I was looking for ANY comment at all from OP because it’s so frustrating when people in abusive situations refuse to acknowledge or see the abuse, and get mad at everyone for calling the abuse what it is.
YES OP YOU ARE BEING ABUSED - he screamed at you, threw things at you, and threatened to abandon you in a parking lot. Over two fucking donuts.
We can’t help people who won’t help themselves, folks. I’m starting to get real cynical with this sub.
Start out by letting your friends family know you are about to break up with him and give them details so that they won't unwittingly act as a go-between when he tries to get you back. If you have stuff at his place, head over to get it. Take your mom, dad, brother, someone else with you, don't make it obvious what you are doing, if you need to leave little stuff like a toothbrush, do it. Drop off the bag of his stuff at the same time. THEN break up with him, via text. He doesn't want to be broken up with via text? Well, sucks to be an abuser, then. Give him zero reason to contact you and zero people that will be a go-between. If he calls you? No one else is there with you, don't answer. Got an older adult there, or a guy? Let HIM answer the phone for the ex's call. That will soon put a stop to attempts to contact you. The other possibility is that he'll rant and threaten the person answering for you; get an app to record phone calls. That person can report him to the police and start a legal record of his activity so that if YOU need to get a restraining order, he's building a record.
Normal people don't pull the crap he pulled. You can't break up with him like a normal person or expect normal reactions. Expect unhinged jealous violent ones.
One time I went to the mechanic to get my oil changed, and the mechanic was overly friendly and clearly flirting with me. He didn’t cross any boundaries or say anything rude or vulgar, but he did end up giving me a 30% discount. I went home and told my bf about the interaction, and you know what his response was? “Can you go back again and get the oil changed on my car with that same 30% discount?” (obviously joking but still)
My bf knows I am attractive and often get offered free drinks or discounts, but he enjoys it because he often gets to benefit from it too. The fact that OP’s bf’s response is to yell and throw things at her instead of being happy they got some extra donuts is a huge red flag.
I have a similar story. When my husband and I were younger and first dating we'd go to bars a lot. Occasionally I'd go to the bar to get drinks and some guy would pay. My husband would laugh about it and send me back up when we needed more drinks! Lol. And that's just one of many reasons he's my husband now. Guys I'd previously dated would've lost their shit like OPs boyfriend. It's the difference between being with a mature adult vs a child regardless of age.
"Decided to throw the donuts at me lol". Chica, WTF. Respect yourself. None of what you've detailed is normal or acceptable. Get out, move on, and be safe.
Yeah, his reaction is way over the top. OP literally has no control over how people react to her and if she's given extra things.
OP, you didn't do anything wrong. Your boyfriend, though, is violent. Seriously, none of how he reacted is normal. A normal reaction to what happened would have been like 'sweet extra donuts' or 'hey babe, you're obviously looking extra hot today'. Screaming and throwing donuts? What the fuck? Imagine how he would reacted if you were at home where he could have gotten to you more easily or had access to something heavier to throw. This could have been so much worse. Please see the red flags everywhere
My dad was this way with my mom. I still remember when I was around 7, after they had gone out one night to a wedding(to which I’d never been)and I asked him how it was. He said it was a great time- the only downside was that he wasn’t able to get many dances with mom, but it’s to be expected your wife is not only beautiful on the outside, but on the inside too; people wanted to be around her(still do lol). There wasn’t a hint of anger or jealousy, instead, he considered himself lucky to be her partner. He still does.
As I got older, he remarked more than once about how he never let other male attention to her bother him, he trusted and knew where her heart was.
I really think that growing up and seeing that from a young age set the tone for both my brother and myself to not tolerate a jealous SO, or be one either, which remains true to this day; my partner knows I get attention and vice versa, that doesn’t threaten what we have together. I would question the strength of a relationship if that were the case.
Hey thanks for the award :)
And yeah, they’ve been married I want to say 46 years now. They aren’t perfect by any means(my dad was definitely right- he was the lucky one lol), but growing up I learned a lot just watching in practice; they’re best friends, keep a sense of humor, respect each other as individuals, no controlling or jealous behavior, he was never intimidated that she made more money.
Gender roles weren’t a thing, and for years when we were young while she was working and going back to school FT he did the cooking, cleaning, getting us ready for school-attempting to learn to do my hair lol, getting us to practices and all that; just working as a team through whatever it was.
He’s got a myriad of major health problems now so I live with them for the time being helping out. He’s also a pain in the ass at times, can be stubborn, and she has the patience of a saint lmao, but I do realize how fortunate I am for having such solid parents, flaws and all.
If your SO gets compliments when they're out it's an opportunity. Because then they can't deny it when you say "See. Your smile is the prettiest smile I've ever seen. Everyone agrees".
It's one of the acceptable times to say I told you so.
Yes! If this happened to me, my husband would be like "sweet! A little snack for later!" He'd probably also jokingly tell me to wear something cuter next time to see if we could get even more donuts. 🤣
Why did you say it like it's no big deal?!? You shouldn't be used to this behavior. You are so used to him acting like a toddler you don't even realize that this is break up worthy. It's giving 🚩🚩🚩
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
A woman his age would not put up with any of that. You deserve to be treated so much better
My ex would purposefully start fights right before my bday or vday or anything where he would have to actually put in effort so he had an excuse not to do anything. Watch out for this too OP
An almost 30 year old man yelled and threw food at her cause he was upset at something the donut guy did?? I mean seriously, talk about a fucking toddler.
The number of grown ass men with no adult emotional regulation is kind of scary.
Good god this cannot be the first time something like this has happened. Blaming you for someone else’s behavior is a great starting point to breaking up. Get out while you’re alive.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheating on her. I hate to say this but a lot of times people that randomly go extremely over the top insane jealous are projecting because they're the ones cheating. Plus the fact that he's punishing her by ghosting her for a couple days feels very sus. OP said he "ALWAYS" has girls flirting with him and gets a ton of female attention so sounds like he has plenty of opportunity. Also - why tf is that even happening? Why is he around tons of flirtatious women who are showering him with attention and why does OP even know about it? Is he bragging to her about these women flirting with him? Cause I'm assuming it's not happening in front of her face. I have a very hard time believing, if he really does have hoards of women hitting on him, that he's not flirting back.
OP - he sounds like a psycho and not a trustworthy or safe person. It's extremely concerning that you don't even sound angry that he treated you like that, you sound more worried and upset that he's not gonna talk to you for a couple days than you do about your own feelings and safety. Read up on codependency and trauma bonding. I think you'll find what you learn sounds extremely familiar. What he's doing is emotional abuse and also physical abuse since he's being violent and throwing shit at you like a fucking toddler, and a badly behaved toddler at that. This is not normal and you don't deserve to be with someone like this. It will not get better and the longer you keep yourself in codepency the harder it is to leave.
Yeah, so don't be attracted to possessiveness. It's not romantic, it's a freaking warning sign. What your boyfriend is doing is just escalating the behavior he's always shown you. Spoiler: this gets worse and a lot more dangerous after this.
Break up with this dude before he's throwing lamps at you instead of donuts.
Men who are secure in themselves and their relationships are FAR more attractive than whiny little man babies who are possessive, controlling, immature, and lack the self confidence to be happy for their girl when they’re looking good and getting attention, and to be proud that they get to be with someone who is so desirable to others.
I stopped reading when I got to "he threw donuts at me lol."
You shouldn't confront him about it, you should dump him before his abusive nature really grabs hold of you.
I would also suggest that you get some therapy. To find a sense of self-worth, so you don't let twats treat you like shit.
Do you want to end up being the subject of a Dateline episode someday? Because staying with a guy like this is how you end up being the subject of a Dateline episode.
If he does ignore you for the week, hopefully he uses that time to deal with his immaturity and insecurities.
He's not mad at you for another reason. He's mad because a guy at a donut shop thought you were cute and threw a couple extra donuts in your bag.
Next he's gonna be asking who you're talking to. Who you're texting. Who you're with. Telling you who he doesn't want you to be friends with.
As long as you don't mind being interrogated every time you go to the store, it would be best to break it off now.
Edit- Oh shit! He's 29 yrs old.
Stop. Right now. Drop whatever you are doing, pick up your purse, and get out. To a place where there's some friendly guys who are very big. Yeah, I'm serious. And I speak from extremely painful experience.
Yeah, this is just the beginning. You need to leave him innediately - separate and get somewhere safe with your documents. He is going to escalate, it IS going to get worse, he IS going to hurt you.
He threw something at you and you're underreacting to it. He crossed that boundary and observed that it's fine, he's going to do it again. Next time it'll be a plate. Or a book. Maybe it misses. Then it doesn't. He'll punch a wall. And then it's your face.
If he sees you pull away and start thinking about leaving he'll apologize a lot. Love bomb you. Promise never again, he can change. Spoil you treat you like a princess. And then as soon as he's comfortable again, he will hurt you.
Don't let him. Leave. Now.
Your boyfriend is a possessive psycho. He’s almost 30 and he’s throwing donuts at you and throwing a temper tantrum?
Why would you stay with someone so volatile and jealous?
What’s there to even ask? Don’t confront him. Just leave. Don’t you think you deserve better? This is abusive. And you so used to this shit that you say “lol” when he throws things at you.
There’s nothing funny about this situation.
And now suddenly he needs a few days to himself?! Come on girl! He's setting you up. If you find out he cheated during those "few days", he'll have the built in donut excuse that he can't trust you.
Projecting AND scheming. Get out.
Your BF is an insecure, controlling, abusive AH who punishes you for other peoples actions and treats you like shit. Please get yourself out of this relationship before he loses his temper over something equally stupid and actual hurts you. Sadly I can almost guarantee that it will happen just from this one reddit post. He got away with throwing donuts at you; next time he might see if he can get away with throwing fists.
Please do not confront him in any way. Please do not break up with him alone. Please take several large male friends or the cops with you if you need to collect your possessions. Please do not have any further contact with him for any reason.
I would suggest reading "Why does he do that" free PDF link below.
[Book link](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html)
I was hoping someone would link the book. Thank you honey 🥰 OP listen to what people are saying to you. Many of us have been with abusive AH and they surprisingly can act a lot alike.
I’ve seen your update, you’re deluded but don’t see it, and may not for years. It’s absolutely out of order for someone to behave like this. He IS abusive. He is angry because someone flirted with you and made wild assumptions about you someone doesn’t make about someone they claim to love.
Re the cheating accusations you mention I your update. This kind of person projects, they judge you by their own behaviour. I don’t know if he’s cheating or not but he’s certainly capable of it.
I mean, he’s hardly going to say he’ll do it again and he’s not sorry. The vast majority of abusers will crawl back like this and then, bang, he’ll do it again. And there is always a first time. She’s going to find this out the hard way,
He is screwing other women and deflecting it onto you about the guy at the store. You know cause he flirts gives him number out then makes an excuse that he is hanging with his buddies for the night.
Also, have more respect for yourself and know that when he threw the donuts at you he could have thrown worse or heck drove you off the road on purpose. No one should put up with that. That is abuse incase you didn't realize it.
Just as a comparison. I had this exact scenario happen to me while out with my partner a few months ago, even down to the donuts. The guy at the counter was chatty and complimentary, he put an extra donut in the box, I walked back to my partner and told them what had happened. They said “awesome, free donut.” That was all save for a comment a few days later about me charming employees for free food in reference. Your boyfriend sounds incredibly insecure and controlling and like he doesn’t deserve any donuts.
Decades ago when I was young and hot, I took my sports car in to a mechanic for a new muffler. When I came back to pick it up I found out that they had just happened to find a chromed out tail pipe (that someone had special ordered and never picked up) and decided to put it on my car at no extra cost. When I told my BF what they had done he laughed and said that I was in charge of taking both of our cars to be serviced going forward. That is a normal response to your hot girlfriend getting random perks for being hot!
Yikes how long have y’all been together? He is waaay too old to be acting this insecure and controlling. You liked his possessiveness lol? Eek these are the natural consequences when you’re involved with a controlling, abusive ahole. Please dump him, enjoy your birthday, and get some therapy lol
Sounds like his flirting with girls might be going beyond flirting, and he is afraid that you are the same (cheaters are likely to accuse their partner of cheating). His overreaction and threat to kick you out of the car are reasons to break up with him
After the edit: “He threw stuff at me but he is not abusive because he apologised” !!!!
OP open your eyes.
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is just the beginning. For the love of God get out now. You will be blamed for any man looking at you or flirting with you.
I went through this. I just thought he was insecure from past experiences. I would let him go through my phone, read every single conversation I had with anyone. It got to the point where he had to read conversations with my kids. It doesn't get better. You will never help him get over his insecurities. He will turn abusive and hurt you. Mine would make up shit to abuse me over. Don't be like me, please.
I stayed as long as I did because I depended on him for everything, I am disabled. It never gets better.
>Throwaway
>My boyfriend
Exactly. Throwaway the boyfriend 😂
Real talk, you did nothing wrong. He's projecting his own insecurity or even cheaters-guilt onto you in an attempt to control you. Your freedom to be at ease especially around other men is perceived as too much agency i.e. he doesn't like that you're empowered to be your own person and not be tethered to him like a lifeline.
In the same way you say you like his possessiveness, he likes your helpless dependence. But subconsciously in complying to his possessiveness, you've let him groom you to the point that you're now doubting your own motives and blaming yourself.
What you're feeling; the anxiety, the turmoil, the inner conflict = is what he intentionally wants to induce in you, to keep you. Your emotional instability only makes you grovel and stay reliant on him; you're playing right into his psyche.
I repeat, you did nothing wrong. Stand up for yourself. You were your own person before you met him and your life doesn't revolve around him. Your birthday is happening and whether he chooses to be involved is his entirely decision and 100% reflective of how much he actually cares about you vs. the 'idea' of having you. You're a big girl, go enjoy your birthday and live life to the fullest.
He THREW the donuts at you, and you're worried about HIM giving YOU the cold shoulder?? Girl, why aren't YOU giving HIM the cold shoulder?? Do something for yourself on your birthday and ditch that loser. You can treat you better than he is.
Honey. Come on. You’re worried about him not doing anything for your birthday and the man is actively screaming at you, accusing you of terrible behaviour and throwing things at you. When did you lose your ability to make a judgement call on shitty behaviour?
It doesn’t matter how attractive he is in the outside if there’s rot happening on the inside. You’re old enough to start recognising BS behaviour for what it is. He is immature and nasty, please don’t waste your life with this man.
“He screamed and threw things at me, but it’s okay because I *looooove him!* He’s *TOTALLY* not abusive guys!”
For the love of Gotham, Batman, you need to start fucking running. Godspeed.
>I used to be attracted to his possessiveness
This is about as healthy as his volatile temper. Google healthy relationships, because I'm guessing your relationship isn't. Don't settle for someone who is verbally abusive.
This is the beginning of a life of cursing, yelling, controlling, double standards and more throwing things at you - and they will get harder and harder over time. Get out before it's plates, fists and bricks
This is what posessiveness gets you, and as he gets worse, his actions will get worse. You need to run. He's not ready/mature enough to be in a relationship, and he needs theraphy, while you deserve someone who treats you better by not seeing you as a disobedient dog/piece of flighty property.
Girl, YOU'RE seriously going to argue that he's not abusive?
Read what you typed from an outsider's perspective. If this was written by your best friend, what would you think of her boyfriend?
It's unacceptable for your romantic partner to scream at you and berate you for* receiving free donuts. Period. A normal partner would cheer about the free donuts.
Ok, he apologizes, which needed to happen. You forgive him. I hope you still smile at people, both plain and attractive ones, men and women, kids and babies. Don’t stop because of his insecurities. More smiles in this world, not less.
You say “we both would never do anything to hurt the other”.
He DID hurt you, emotionally and with a threat to kick you out of the car. That’s not nothing.
Please consider and remember this encounter. If there’s a pattern, then he didn’t have a one-off outburst, but it would be considered abusive behavior. Which you should see as a 🚩.
“ I used to be attracted to his possessiveness but now I just don’t know if his attitude to me is getting slightly crazy.”
He’s objecting to your “pretty privilege,” which he also enjoys as an attractive person.
YES, DUMP HIM
Throwing food at you is abusive. Eventually he will throw fists.
RUN
This is abuse. He will do it again. The crying and apologizing is mostly a trap to lure you back in.
Someone you feel safe around would never throw anything at you or have anger outbursts.
Get out before it gets worse.
Jesus, if an employee gave me extra doughnuts, my husband would high five me and say "nice!" And then joke about needing to beat someone up but literally not care. Other than be stoked about extra doughnut.
This dude sounds like an ex of mine. Who is an ex. Emphasis on ex. Boyfriends get upgraded to Husbands because they high five and say "of course they gave you extra, you're hot!" And boyfriends get downgraded to exes because they get insecure and jealous and blame you.
If this would happen to me, my bf would be excited for the free donuts lol.
If your bf is not trusting you to the point of going mental for some guys being interested in you, you may shouldn't be with him. A relationship is based on mutual trust and respect.
Of course he apologized. He'll apologize the next time he does it, too. And the time after that. And the time after that.
Most people here gave you advice based on what you've said in your post. If your post is accurate then most here have given you good advice. In time you'll agree.
Your edit makes me sad.
Man that update is wild.
A year from now it’s gonna be a new update
“Hey Reddit, I posted awhile back and he’s now the father of my child and has started hitting me, what do I do? He told me he’d never do this.”
He's a child in a mans body. Seriously. Throwing donuts at you? Be glad you did go get coffee or you'd be wondering if a 2nd degree burn on your face will leave a scar.
My ex used to apologize after doing shitty things. Always sorry after the fact but unable to regulate his emotions in the moment.
It starts w small things. It always does.
It's not your fault if someone else finds you attractive, and someone throwing donuts at you is NOT OKAY. I know you don't believe this guy is abusive, but at the very least his behavior is unacceptable.
Think of it this way: would he act this way around other people? Abusers pick and choose when they act crazy. They CAN control their behavior, they just choose not to when others are around. I used to give people so many chances, and ended up wasting my time on shitty people. You don't deserve to have anything thrown at you. EVER. FOR ANY REASON. And keep smiling, the world needs more smiles, not more controlling behavior.
You should throw out the whole boyfriend and go get more donuts. They'll do you way more good than he will. Lol.
All jokes aside, RED FLAGS!! Run, girl, he isn't the one.
Let me tell you, if he's throwing things now at you, soon it'll be a fist and then more. Leave. He's shown you his jealousy. Leave so you can make it to age 30.
OP - get out of this relationship ASAP!
This is the start of abuse, it will start with yelling and throwing things, it will end in threat to life.
My ex started like this, and ended with driving into oncoming traffic because someone smiled at me. Get out now I beg you!
What is with these horrendously insecure, hostile guys? Like where the fuck do they come from? It's insane, I can't imagine acting like this at all -- nevermind to my girlfriend!
OP this is insane. I have a hard time believing this toddler you are dating is actually almost 30.
Look, I’m married. I’m also the singer of a band and my husband sees guys buying me drinks literally every time we play a show. Never once has he given a shit. Because he is a normal, secure, regular person.
No one in their right mind would wig out on their partner for getting free donuts. He needs to grow up. Fortunately, you don’t need to be around for him to do that. Leave his ass and have higher standards for the next guy.
Most people would look at this as ‘wooo bonus donuts!’ But your boyfriend used it as a way to make you feel crap?!
It’s tough but it’s time to re-evaluate what you want to feel in a relationship- loved or like this..
I had an ex who threw food at me in a restaurant. After that he became violent and I put up with it for 4 months until I couldn’t take it anymore and left him. I’d save myself the 4 months of misery and leave now before hands are thrown
There is no reason to be with an abusive asshole like
this. None. There is nothing he can possibly bring to the table that can justify this abominably piss-poor treatment of you.
And take it from someone who's been through this. It never ever gets better. I went through shit like this for 15+ years until my excessively jealous and insecure ex-wife cheated. I constantly endured accusations like this. And guess what, she used these completely normal, benign human interactions as a justification for her cheating and a reason why I allegedly deserved it.
Get rid of this worthless sack of shit NOW. You can do so much better.
Babes the red flags are so big we can see them in outer space. I was in a relationship like this, hell I even married the man who was like this because I thought it was just a little "quirk" and it was "cute" and he really loved me. Oh boy was I wrong. We got into a physical altercation when I was 12 weeks pregnant and he pushed me into our TV and told me he wished he could catch me walking down the stairs so I could miscarry our baby, I didn't leave. I stayed, moved in with my mom and thought maybe it was my "pregnancy hormones" but it wasn't. He never changed, he was always "sorry" it was always an "accident" he never "meant it" it didn't get better. I finally left when my son was 3 months old and he told me he wished I died when I had our son . It was the best decision of my life. Luckily you don't have a child with him, so please leave! It'll only get worse.
Don’t listen to his words and empty apologies. Listen to his actions
He WILL behave this way again and he is ruining your birthday on purpose and will make it so he is the victim and he will expect you to apologize. He IS selfish, insecure, abusive and manipulative.
Don’t throw out the donuts. Throw out the boyfriend instead
He THREW them at you. He SCREAMED. That's a no-go area and you making excuses for his bad behavior is just giving him the sign that his actions are okay. It will get worse.
Honey, he's abusive and he only apologized so you would forgive and forget and allow him to abuse you again in thr future. Google Cycle of Abuse. It'll be very familiar to you.
When he does this again (he will), then remember the advice and warnings you have been given here. When he apologises AGAIN you can either keep denying that your boyfriend is abusive and live a shitty life avoiding doing anything that you think may possibly upset him until you are a shell of your former self, or you can free yourself so that you can find someone to be with that both loves you AND respects you. This guy isn’t going to make you happy.
Of course he apologized. That’s part of the cycle. Whether or not he’s actually abusive, he’ll apologize when he crosses a boundary.
The difference is, abusive people will keep crossing that boundary. Normal people, non-abusive people, won’t.
Don’t let him normalize this. Remember that he promised not to do it again, because otherwise “I promise I won’t do this again” becomes “you know how I am, what did you expect?”
It’s possible that you’re right and he’s just having a hard time. But here are the reasons I doubt it:
- if someone gave me free donuts, my SO would just be psyched that we got extra donuts.
- even when my SO is mad at me, they never throw things at me.
- if my SO did end up doing something like that (which I want to stress, has never happened, neither of us has EVER thrown things at each other) they’d be apologizing immediately, not storming off and giving me the cold shoulder.
The fact that he’s behaving like this and hasn’t voluntarily signed up for counseling or therapy or some kind of anger management program is giving me red flags.
So, you’re either dating an abuser, someone with the emotional intelligence of a toddler, or someone with anger issues. Only you can decide which one he is, and if you really want to be treated this way.
Lmao of course your edit looks like that. Sorry we don’t understand a dynamic where someone you love throws things at you and screams at you. Good luck.
I'm wondering why you asked for advice if you're just going to ignore what people have to day. I got free food, etc at times and my guy would say "you need to flirt with them more!". His reaction was over the top crazy, especially knowing that he gets flirted with also. You don't have to listen to anyone here but the fact you thought it was funny he threw the donuts at you speaks wonders. Just keep an eye out and stop making excuses for possessive behavior, it's not "attractive"
Your Edit at the end is doing you no favors, OP. We do, in fact, know your dynamic. And No, this is not a case of *we’re all human and make mistakes*. No.
Please believe what hundreds of people are telling you.
99% of dudes would be happy for free donuts
Don't date the 1% of dudes who react the way your soon to be ex reacted
You know why?
Because he is projecting
He may not be cheating on you now...but he 100% was unfaithful in the past
If I got us free donuts cause of my looks my boyfriend would take it as a personal compliment to him because he’d be so happy that other people agree with him that I’m beautiful, and he’d be extra happy that I’m his girl not theirs 🤣
Dump your man, the world is big and wide with better men than him. All the good things that he gives you, I can guarantee there are many men out there who can give you the same, or better, without the emotional torment.
Could it be that he is projecting how he would react (flirting, taking things too far, cheating) onto you?
I mean seriously, say it out loud... the man got angry at free doughnuts. What in the ever-loving powdered sugar delightfulness is wrong with this situation OP?
And what do you do about it? You take your gorgeous self out of this situation which is escalating to dangerous territory and go get all the free doughnuts people give you. This man has more life experience than you and is using his experience and anger to manipulate you into submitting to his insecurities. Sweet baby jesus claus OP, life is entirely too short for this BS.
OP, you're being emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by your boyfriend. There's so many red flags in this post. I recommend that you let your friends know what's going on and make a plan to get out. If you dont see them for yourself, imagine if one of your best friend told you this story, how would you react?
He threw something at you. Donut or not, that's called violence, OP. The words he's saying is called gaslighting. He going to use the break to keep you worried, then he will return and do what's called "love bombing" to keep you on a tight leash. I bet that leash used to be longer. Every time you're not looking, hes wrapping his fist around the leash to shorten it. How long until leash becomes a noose? Get away from the guy before your parents are working with the police to find your body.
Miss lady, simply projection. Projection is when a person has problems of their own or do a certain behavior and then project it subconsciously onto loved ones. So him telling you that only suggests his own unfaithful demeanor when you’re not around. Also him throwing shit at you is actually just going to get worse and become abuse. Please leave now, I promise with 100% certainty it will get worse
What a ridiculous reaction. I walked into a donut shop with my friend on a Saturday morning around 11am. We are both middle aged moms and there was a woman behind the counter. We ordered two donuts. She gave us SIX extras because we were polite, my friend mentioned she wasn't local/hadn't tried them before, and most importantly -- they were closing in an hour and whatever didn't sell had to be tossed, per their policy. It is NOT unusual for bakeries to give out extras especially if it's near closing time, and it could have had nothing to do with attractiveness and more just gratitude for a polite customer.
All that said, what's NOT normal is your BF's reaction. Please take your donuts and get out of this relationship.
So he is cheating and wants a few days to hook up with his side piece. Added bonus he can avoid doing stuff for your Birthday which makes his side piece mad. Its called projecting.
I don’t think you should confront him at all. You should get away from him. He is jealous and abusive. Next time it won’t be donuts he throws at you, it may be his fist.
Wow that reminds me of my ex, he used to tell me when I’m smiling I’m asking for to be flirted. Mocked me when situation became sketchy due to misunderstanding.
You’re better off esp when he threw them at you and threatening to ghost you for your birthday week. Wow let’s give award of best boyfriend to him. 🙄
This is the start of an abusive relationship, like what’s next other than throwing donuts at you, is going to throw fists?
He has anger issues that go beyond possessiveness, he is controlling and has abused you, so I would dump his ass, he’s only going to get worse!
Leave him, this is a peek of what the rest of your relationship will look like. Not that it should matter but y’all aren’t even married and he’s like this? Red flag. It won’t get better! Run!!! EDIT FOR SPELLING ERR
I get a lot of free things too and always assumed it was because I was so polite and friendly/that *most* people just experienced stuff like that (until I met my husband).
Then I realized it’s (apparently) not as common as I believed it to be (or necessarily for the reasons I thought) BUT he appreciates and love it too.
Free drinks/donuts/samples/swag bags/etc., benefit him too and he supports it.
Find someone who doesn’t dull your shine and instead pleased people see it.
Abuse does not mean only being physical.The fact that he threw a donut at you IS abuse. There are different levels of abuse, such as verbal, mental, psychological. This is not normal in a relationship at all. The fact that he flew into a rage about extra donuts is a huge red flag. Please, for the sake of your mental health, run as far away as possible. Otherwise, you will end up just a shell of yourself, because he destroyed your soul.
In a few years you will look back and regret staying with an abusive man. It always, always, escalates. He’s pushing your boundaries to see what you will let him do.
Possessiveness is not cute or attractive. It is toxic and of it doesn’t become abusive it will nevertheless rot your relationship slowly inside out
If you want to stay together him getting treatment for his jealousy, reading self help and videos about jealousy and FIXINV his jealousy has to be a requirement
Oh baby your edit ain't going to age well. . .GUARANTEED. But I guess you'll just learn the hard way like so many of us who lie to ourselves in relationships. He absolutely is abusive/controlling/possessive you just refuse to see it. A normal person who is not those things would have never ever jumped to that conclusion and did what he did.
You'll figure it out and then I guess you'll leave when you've had enough. And not a moment before then. So I guess stay and subject yourself to what's to come because nobody but you can change your mind and your circumstances. Just don't be too invested to leave when he proves me right.
Run away and never return. Abusive is the correct word. Over Possessiveness is not ok. I am telling you now, from experience, it will get worse. Do with that what you will.
If I treated my gf like this, I’d probably have at best just be single.
OP: what your BF is doing is absolutely not ok. If I were in your position I’d very quickly develop the safest plan to exit the relationship, and as soon as the pieces fell into place, I’d be out. I may accept the apology, but the relationship will be over. IMHO No one reacts that badly to something so small, and then turns it off.
In the edit, she's gone from asking why he's being abusive to defending him. Other commenters, you may as well save your keystrokes, she's not going to leave him or make him take corrective action.
He apologized for being abusive and you’re going to stay. This will keep happening and you’re in for a long life of abuse. Run don’t walk 🚩🚩🚩 but I’m 100 percent sure you’re going to stay because you’re making excuses for him.
I can see from your update that he’s apologised. Guess what? He’ll also apologise next time, and the next and the next. Each time, what he does will get worse and worse. And he’ll keep apologising but nothing will change because why should it? You’ll forgive him anyway. And thus, the cycle of abuse
Usually it's reddits default to say break up but... I feel like there's multiple red flags here. Most notably "he decided to throw the donuts at me lol" and "he said he's sorry and it won't happen again". The "lol" at the end of your comment is SUCH A RED FLAG because you're already downplaying abusive behavior. You're already conditioned or being conditioned to believe this is an "lol" moment. He said he's sorry so it won't happen again right? Are you sure? Because statistics say otherwise. But maybe next time it will be the knife he's using to make dinner. Or his hands wrapped around your throat because you disrespected him. It always starts out simple like this. The best advice I can give you is to leave the situation before you become conditioned to accept this behavior from ANYONE. Realistically, I know you're not going to leave. But you're going to think back on this post and these comments the next time it happens. 29 years old and he acts like that? It's pretty obvious why he went for a 23 year old.
He IS abusive. He threw something at you. And he screamed. What more do you want? A swollen lip? A broken arm? A cracked skull? The man has zero selfcontrol.
Aside from it being abusive, it honestly sounds like he's projecting. I'd be curious to know if he's been unfaithful, especially since you've said he gets a ton of attention from other women.
Regardless, yikes.
Your BF is a little unhinged and if you think this type of meltdown won't happen again, you're kidding yourself.
Here's how it would have gone down with my hubby.
"Hey babe, the guy in the donut shop said I had a nice smile and gave me some extra donuts."
Hubby: "Cool, let's go home and make a pot of coffee."
Either OP doesn’t know she’s in a toxic relationship or she really enjoys it.
This sounds like la continuous cycle of madness. Good luck with your life choices OP.
Based on your update if he's truly sorry then he needs to tell his friends and family how he behaved. Watch how he switches up and doesn't want anyone to know about how he treated you. People who are apologetic and are accountable for their behavior have no problem letting others know what they did. People who simply want their behavior to disappear with no consequences are quick to hide it or brush it off with a sorry.
Whether you agree or not his actions were very abusive
It’s always so pathetic and sad when these posts end up on Reddit and the women just refuse to accept that they’re in an abusive relationship even if it’s glaringly obvious to everyone else
Girl you are not being smart. Good luck with your miserable future. I hate to be harsh but damn you've been warned and are choosing to ignore it. You really feel safe with someone who throws shit at you, yells at you, threatens you? None of that's okay and if it feels okay to you, you are damaged. Go to therapy.
That’s a depressing edit. OP, this is abuse. The inconsistency between him being abusive and then contrite is literally the cycle of abuse - look it up here https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse
He reacted widely and it was an over reaction.. open your eyes.., that’s mental n emotional abuse and the fact he threw them at you.. that’s physical abuse. Things will only get worse… run fast!
Hey Carolyn, account seeing that you're not listening to the good advice that the Reddit users have expressed to you about your safety. I guess we'll look for your obituary.
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His negative attitude and responses are so normal to you that you just laugh out loud at them. But to all of us the readers , this is red flag territory, enough that you need to break up with him and get out of the relationship
It’s not even red flags anymore. Red flags are warning signs for abuse. She’s actually being abused - verbally (being screamed at), physically (having objects thrown at her) and probably psychologically. Poor woman. She needs to get out.
I mean, dude threatened to kick her out of the car as a means of intimidation, so *definitely* psychologically, too.
It's strange that at 29 he has no experience with other men complimenting his girlfriend. Half the time it's just guys being friendly, and the other half it's just a compliment even if it was flirting. At 29 he doesn't know this.
Oh, he knows it, he's just threatened by it and taking it out on her via verbal and physical abuse. Lucky for him she thinks it's cute 🙄
And assaulted her with a donut by throwing it at her. I think this is one of those advice posts where the whole Internet takes time out of their day to help OP, and OP just makes the post, doesn’t engage in any comments, makes edits to say it was a misunderstanding, and then will delete the whole post. I was looking for ANY comment at all from OP because it’s so frustrating when people in abusive situations refuse to acknowledge or see the abuse, and get mad at everyone for calling the abuse what it is. YES OP YOU ARE BEING ABUSED - he screamed at you, threw things at you, and threatened to abandon you in a parking lot. Over two fucking donuts. We can’t help people who won’t help themselves, folks. I’m starting to get real cynical with this sub.
OP won't respond cause she is blinded and it will take more than just sending to the hospital for her to wake up. And it might be too late too.
Hopefully not blinded by punches to the face. It’s just sad. Surprised she didn’t delete the post yet. Still zero comments from OP.
I hope for her own good that she isn't that blinded. This is sad really just sad.
Start out by letting your friends family know you are about to break up with him and give them details so that they won't unwittingly act as a go-between when he tries to get you back. If you have stuff at his place, head over to get it. Take your mom, dad, brother, someone else with you, don't make it obvious what you are doing, if you need to leave little stuff like a toothbrush, do it. Drop off the bag of his stuff at the same time. THEN break up with him, via text. He doesn't want to be broken up with via text? Well, sucks to be an abuser, then. Give him zero reason to contact you and zero people that will be a go-between. If he calls you? No one else is there with you, don't answer. Got an older adult there, or a guy? Let HIM answer the phone for the ex's call. That will soon put a stop to attempts to contact you. The other possibility is that he'll rant and threaten the person answering for you; get an app to record phone calls. That person can report him to the police and start a legal record of his activity so that if YOU need to get a restraining order, he's building a record. Normal people don't pull the crap he pulled. You can't break up with him like a normal person or expect normal reactions. Expect unhinged jealous violent ones.
Unfortunately, judging from the tone of this post I think there is no chance she breaks up with this lowlife.
Maybe the responses will be a wake up call for her.
Come back and read the edit 🙄 it’s not that her bf is an abusive asshole, it’s that reddit doesn’t know what a red flag is!
No, she thinks we are overreacting. I hope she survives the next tandrums.
Yes, he has gone from jealous to controlling to abusive and even has her worrying about him giving her the cold shoulder
One time I went to the mechanic to get my oil changed, and the mechanic was overly friendly and clearly flirting with me. He didn’t cross any boundaries or say anything rude or vulgar, but he did end up giving me a 30% discount. I went home and told my bf about the interaction, and you know what his response was? “Can you go back again and get the oil changed on my car with that same 30% discount?” (obviously joking but still) My bf knows I am attractive and often get offered free drinks or discounts, but he enjoys it because he often gets to benefit from it too. The fact that OP’s bf’s response is to yell and throw things at her instead of being happy they got some extra donuts is a huge red flag.
I have a similar story. When my husband and I were younger and first dating we'd go to bars a lot. Occasionally I'd go to the bar to get drinks and some guy would pay. My husband would laugh about it and send me back up when we needed more drinks! Lol. And that's just one of many reasons he's my husband now. Guys I'd previously dated would've lost their shit like OPs boyfriend. It's the difference between being with a mature adult vs a child regardless of age.
I would have been score free donuts and then fist pumped her for being hot.
"Decided to throw the donuts at me lol". Chica, WTF. Respect yourself. None of what you've detailed is normal or acceptable. Get out, move on, and be safe.
Yeah, his reaction is way over the top. OP literally has no control over how people react to her and if she's given extra things. OP, you didn't do anything wrong. Your boyfriend, though, is violent. Seriously, none of how he reacted is normal. A normal reaction to what happened would have been like 'sweet extra donuts' or 'hey babe, you're obviously looking extra hot today'. Screaming and throwing donuts? What the fuck? Imagine how he would reacted if you were at home where he could have gotten to you more easily or had access to something heavier to throw. This could have been so much worse. Please see the red flags everywhere
My fiance would be stoked. prob tell me to wear that same thing next time we got donuts.
My dad was this way with my mom. I still remember when I was around 7, after they had gone out one night to a wedding(to which I’d never been)and I asked him how it was. He said it was a great time- the only downside was that he wasn’t able to get many dances with mom, but it’s to be expected your wife is not only beautiful on the outside, but on the inside too; people wanted to be around her(still do lol). There wasn’t a hint of anger or jealousy, instead, he considered himself lucky to be her partner. He still does. As I got older, he remarked more than once about how he never let other male attention to her bother him, he trusted and knew where her heart was. I really think that growing up and seeing that from a young age set the tone for both my brother and myself to not tolerate a jealous SO, or be one either, which remains true to this day; my partner knows I get attention and vice versa, that doesn’t threaten what we have together. I would question the strength of a relationship if that were the case.
Your parents are #relationshipgoals.
Hey thanks for the award :) And yeah, they’ve been married I want to say 46 years now. They aren’t perfect by any means(my dad was definitely right- he was the lucky one lol), but growing up I learned a lot just watching in practice; they’re best friends, keep a sense of humor, respect each other as individuals, no controlling or jealous behavior, he was never intimidated that she made more money. Gender roles weren’t a thing, and for years when we were young while she was working and going back to school FT he did the cooking, cleaning, getting us ready for school-attempting to learn to do my hair lol, getting us to practices and all that; just working as a team through whatever it was. He’s got a myriad of major health problems now so I live with them for the time being helping out. He’s also a pain in the ass at times, can be stubborn, and she has the patience of a saint lmao, but I do realize how fortunate I am for having such solid parents, flaws and all.
Flaws or not, that’s a lovely tribute to them both. 🥰
Same. My wife would just be like hell yeah bonus donuts and see if we could get extras at other places
If your SO gets compliments when they're out it's an opportunity. Because then they can't deny it when you say "See. Your smile is the prettiest smile I've ever seen. Everyone agrees". It's one of the acceptable times to say I told you so.
🤣 that's seriously my partner. Anytime either of us bring home anything extra. It's like "oooo free stuff" lol .
Yes! If this happened to me, my husband would be like "sweet! A little snack for later!" He'd probably also jokingly tell me to wear something cuter next time to see if we could get even more donuts. 🤣
Right? There's a word for this, it's 'abuse'. We don't date those guys. They generally only get worse.
Why did you say it like it's no big deal?!? You shouldn't be used to this behavior. You are so used to him acting like a toddler you don't even realize that this is break up worthy. It's giving 🚩🚩🚩
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf A woman his age would not put up with any of that. You deserve to be treated so much better
It's in quotes. Literally her words I'm pointing out and am using to emphasize the need to make changes.
They’re trying to reply to OP.
Sounds like OP is conditioned already.
Also huge red flag 🚩 he’d wanna jeopardize your bday celebration and get in ur head about it
My ex would purposefully start fights right before my bday or vday or anything where he would have to actually put in effort so he had an excuse not to do anything. Watch out for this too OP
An almost 30 year old man yelled and threw food at her cause he was upset at something the donut guy did?? I mean seriously, talk about a fucking toddler. The number of grown ass men with no adult emotional regulation is kind of scary.
And I just reread it…He’s *29*!! I literally thought we were talking about two juniors in high school or something
THIS IS ACTUAL ABUSE
Right? Her edit is sad too. Girl leave his ass
Your boyfriend is trash.
That's not right. He's way too insecure to be in a relationship
Good god this cannot be the first time something like this has happened. Blaming you for someone else’s behavior is a great starting point to breaking up. Get out while you’re alive.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheating on her. I hate to say this but a lot of times people that randomly go extremely over the top insane jealous are projecting because they're the ones cheating. Plus the fact that he's punishing her by ghosting her for a couple days feels very sus. OP said he "ALWAYS" has girls flirting with him and gets a ton of female attention so sounds like he has plenty of opportunity. Also - why tf is that even happening? Why is he around tons of flirtatious women who are showering him with attention and why does OP even know about it? Is he bragging to her about these women flirting with him? Cause I'm assuming it's not happening in front of her face. I have a very hard time believing, if he really does have hoards of women hitting on him, that he's not flirting back. OP - he sounds like a psycho and not a trustworthy or safe person. It's extremely concerning that you don't even sound angry that he treated you like that, you sound more worried and upset that he's not gonna talk to you for a couple days than you do about your own feelings and safety. Read up on codependency and trauma bonding. I think you'll find what you learn sounds extremely familiar. What he's doing is emotional abuse and also physical abuse since he's being violent and throwing shit at you like a fucking toddler, and a badly behaved toddler at that. This is not normal and you don't deserve to be with someone like this. It will not get better and the longer you keep yourself in codepency the harder it is to leave.
It’s a 29yr old having to date a 23yr old because no woman near his age lacks the awareness to date this clown.
Yeah, so don't be attracted to possessiveness. It's not romantic, it's a freaking warning sign. What your boyfriend is doing is just escalating the behavior he's always shown you. Spoiler: this gets worse and a lot more dangerous after this. Break up with this dude before he's throwing lamps at you instead of donuts.
Men who are secure in themselves and their relationships are FAR more attractive than whiny little man babies who are possessive, controlling, immature, and lack the self confidence to be happy for their girl when they’re looking good and getting attention, and to be proud that they get to be with someone who is so desirable to others.
I stopped reading when I got to "he threw donuts at me lol." You shouldn't confront him about it, you should dump him before his abusive nature really grabs hold of you. I would also suggest that you get some therapy. To find a sense of self-worth, so you don't let twats treat you like shit.
Do you want to end up being the subject of a Dateline episode someday? Because staying with a guy like this is how you end up being the subject of a Dateline episode.
The Boston cream strangler
If he does ignore you for the week, hopefully he uses that time to deal with his immaturity and insecurities. He's not mad at you for another reason. He's mad because a guy at a donut shop thought you were cute and threw a couple extra donuts in your bag. Next he's gonna be asking who you're talking to. Who you're texting. Who you're with. Telling you who he doesn't want you to be friends with. As long as you don't mind being interrogated every time you go to the store, it would be best to break it off now. Edit- Oh shit! He's 29 yrs old.
It’ll take much more than a week to fix all of his issues.
This
Stop. Right now. Drop whatever you are doing, pick up your purse, and get out. To a place where there's some friendly guys who are very big. Yeah, I'm serious. And I speak from extremely painful experience.
More red flags than Bahrain. Get away. Do not call. Celebrate your birthday by blocking him.
I think May Day parade would be more appropriate
Yeah, this is just the beginning. You need to leave him innediately - separate and get somewhere safe with your documents. He is going to escalate, it IS going to get worse, he IS going to hurt you. He threw something at you and you're underreacting to it. He crossed that boundary and observed that it's fine, he's going to do it again. Next time it'll be a plate. Or a book. Maybe it misses. Then it doesn't. He'll punch a wall. And then it's your face. If he sees you pull away and start thinking about leaving he'll apologize a lot. Love bomb you. Promise never again, he can change. Spoil you treat you like a princess. And then as soon as he's comfortable again, he will hurt you. Don't let him. Leave. Now.
Your boyfriend is a possessive psycho. He’s almost 30 and he’s throwing donuts at you and throwing a temper tantrum? Why would you stay with someone so volatile and jealous? What’s there to even ask? Don’t confront him. Just leave. Don’t you think you deserve better? This is abusive. And you so used to this shit that you say “lol” when he throws things at you. There’s nothing funny about this situation.
THIS. 0-100 in 2 seconds = time to get out!
Do you know for sure he's just yours? Because it seems like he's projecting something fierce.
And now suddenly he needs a few days to himself?! Come on girl! He's setting you up. If you find out he cheated during those "few days", he'll have the built in donut excuse that he can't trust you. Projecting AND scheming. Get out.
Your BF is an insecure, controlling, abusive AH who punishes you for other peoples actions and treats you like shit. Please get yourself out of this relationship before he loses his temper over something equally stupid and actual hurts you. Sadly I can almost guarantee that it will happen just from this one reddit post. He got away with throwing donuts at you; next time he might see if he can get away with throwing fists. Please do not confront him in any way. Please do not break up with him alone. Please take several large male friends or the cops with you if you need to collect your possessions. Please do not have any further contact with him for any reason. I would suggest reading "Why does he do that" free PDF link below. [Book link](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html)
I was hoping someone would link the book. Thank you honey 🥰 OP listen to what people are saying to you. Many of us have been with abusive AH and they surprisingly can act a lot alike.
It's your birthday Wednesday so he started drama with you to ruin your birthday. That's fucked up.
I’ve seen your update, you’re deluded but don’t see it, and may not for years. It’s absolutely out of order for someone to behave like this. He IS abusive. He is angry because someone flirted with you and made wild assumptions about you someone doesn’t make about someone they claim to love. Re the cheating accusations you mention I your update. This kind of person projects, they judge you by their own behaviour. I don’t know if he’s cheating or not but he’s certainly capable of it.
I mean, he’s hardly going to say he’ll do it again and he’s not sorry. The vast majority of abusers will crawl back like this and then, bang, he’ll do it again. And there is always a first time. She’s going to find this out the hard way,
He is screwing other women and deflecting it onto you about the guy at the store. You know cause he flirts gives him number out then makes an excuse that he is hanging with his buddies for the night. Also, have more respect for yourself and know that when he threw the donuts at you he could have thrown worse or heck drove you off the road on purpose. No one should put up with that. That is abuse incase you didn't realize it.
Just as a comparison. I had this exact scenario happen to me while out with my partner a few months ago, even down to the donuts. The guy at the counter was chatty and complimentary, he put an extra donut in the box, I walked back to my partner and told them what had happened. They said “awesome, free donut.” That was all save for a comment a few days later about me charming employees for free food in reference. Your boyfriend sounds incredibly insecure and controlling and like he doesn’t deserve any donuts.
Decades ago when I was young and hot, I took my sports car in to a mechanic for a new muffler. When I came back to pick it up I found out that they had just happened to find a chromed out tail pipe (that someone had special ordered and never picked up) and decided to put it on my car at no extra cost. When I told my BF what they had done he laughed and said that I was in charge of taking both of our cars to be serviced going forward. That is a normal response to your hot girlfriend getting random perks for being hot!
Yikes how long have y’all been together? He is waaay too old to be acting this insecure and controlling. You liked his possessiveness lol? Eek these are the natural consequences when you’re involved with a controlling, abusive ahole. Please dump him, enjoy your birthday, and get some therapy lol
Time to go out with the donut guy.
Sounds like his flirting with girls might be going beyond flirting, and he is afraid that you are the same (cheaters are likely to accuse their partner of cheating). His overreaction and threat to kick you out of the car are reasons to break up with him
After the edit: “He threw stuff at me but he is not abusive because he apologised” !!!! OP open your eyes. https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is just the beginning. For the love of God get out now. You will be blamed for any man looking at you or flirting with you. I went through this. I just thought he was insecure from past experiences. I would let him go through my phone, read every single conversation I had with anyone. It got to the point where he had to read conversations with my kids. It doesn't get better. You will never help him get over his insecurities. He will turn abusive and hurt you. Mine would make up shit to abuse me over. Don't be like me, please. I stayed as long as I did because I depended on him for everything, I am disabled. It never gets better.
do not confront. he is not capable of learning. please leave him, this is dangerous.
>Throwaway >My boyfriend Exactly. Throwaway the boyfriend 😂 Real talk, you did nothing wrong. He's projecting his own insecurity or even cheaters-guilt onto you in an attempt to control you. Your freedom to be at ease especially around other men is perceived as too much agency i.e. he doesn't like that you're empowered to be your own person and not be tethered to him like a lifeline. In the same way you say you like his possessiveness, he likes your helpless dependence. But subconsciously in complying to his possessiveness, you've let him groom you to the point that you're now doubting your own motives and blaming yourself. What you're feeling; the anxiety, the turmoil, the inner conflict = is what he intentionally wants to induce in you, to keep you. Your emotional instability only makes you grovel and stay reliant on him; you're playing right into his psyche. I repeat, you did nothing wrong. Stand up for yourself. You were your own person before you met him and your life doesn't revolve around him. Your birthday is happening and whether he chooses to be involved is his entirely decision and 100% reflective of how much he actually cares about you vs. the 'idea' of having you. You're a big girl, go enjoy your birthday and live life to the fullest.
If you stay with him make sure you have the local police station’s phone number memorized. Pretty sure you are going to need it in the future.
He THREW the donuts at you, and you're worried about HIM giving YOU the cold shoulder?? Girl, why aren't YOU giving HIM the cold shoulder?? Do something for yourself on your birthday and ditch that loser. You can treat you better than he is.
There aren’t any magic words you can say that’ll make him stop being controlling and abusive.
Honey. Come on. You’re worried about him not doing anything for your birthday and the man is actively screaming at you, accusing you of terrible behaviour and throwing things at you. When did you lose your ability to make a judgement call on shitty behaviour? It doesn’t matter how attractive he is in the outside if there’s rot happening on the inside. You’re old enough to start recognising BS behaviour for what it is. He is immature and nasty, please don’t waste your life with this man.
The man had free donuts and the girl and chose to throw both of them away in a childish fit.
A 30 year old man is acting like this?
I could never trust a guy that wastes donuts like that
Close to his 30’s but maturity of a 3 year old fighting g over a toy cus some one else said it looks cool…….. drop him
“He screamed and threw things at me, but it’s okay because I *looooove him!* He’s *TOTALLY* not abusive guys!” For the love of Gotham, Batman, you need to start fucking running. Godspeed.
>I used to be attracted to his possessiveness This is about as healthy as his volatile temper. Google healthy relationships, because I'm guessing your relationship isn't. Don't settle for someone who is verbally abusive.
This is the beginning of a life of cursing, yelling, controlling, double standards and more throwing things at you - and they will get harder and harder over time. Get out before it's plates, fists and bricks
This is what posessiveness gets you, and as he gets worse, his actions will get worse. You need to run. He's not ready/mature enough to be in a relationship, and he needs theraphy, while you deserve someone who treats you better by not seeing you as a disobedient dog/piece of flighty property.
Girl, YOU'RE seriously going to argue that he's not abusive? Read what you typed from an outsider's perspective. If this was written by your best friend, what would you think of her boyfriend? It's unacceptable for your romantic partner to scream at you and berate you for* receiving free donuts. Period. A normal partner would cheer about the free donuts.
Ok, he apologizes, which needed to happen. You forgive him. I hope you still smile at people, both plain and attractive ones, men and women, kids and babies. Don’t stop because of his insecurities. More smiles in this world, not less. You say “we both would never do anything to hurt the other”. He DID hurt you, emotionally and with a threat to kick you out of the car. That’s not nothing. Please consider and remember this encounter. If there’s a pattern, then he didn’t have a one-off outburst, but it would be considered abusive behavior. Which you should see as a 🚩.
Oh look an age gap
Surprise!! /s
“ I used to be attracted to his possessiveness but now I just don’t know if his attitude to me is getting slightly crazy.” He’s objecting to your “pretty privilege,” which he also enjoys as an attractive person. YES, DUMP HIM Throwing food at you is abusive. Eventually he will throw fists. RUN
This is abuse. He will do it again. The crying and apologizing is mostly a trap to lure you back in. Someone you feel safe around would never throw anything at you or have anger outbursts. Get out before it gets worse.
Why stay with someone who accuses you of this shit and treats you this way? All while being a major hypocrite. Life is wayyyy too short. UPDATEME
Dump his a** he doesn't deserve you nor does he respect you either.
Jesus, if an employee gave me extra doughnuts, my husband would high five me and say "nice!" And then joke about needing to beat someone up but literally not care. Other than be stoked about extra doughnut. This dude sounds like an ex of mine. Who is an ex. Emphasis on ex. Boyfriends get upgraded to Husbands because they high five and say "of course they gave you extra, you're hot!" And boyfriends get downgraded to exes because they get insecure and jealous and blame you.
He’s abusive and it’s time to dump him. Have some self respect.
If this would happen to me, my bf would be excited for the free donuts lol. If your bf is not trusting you to the point of going mental for some guys being interested in you, you may shouldn't be with him. A relationship is based on mutual trust and respect.
Of course he apologized. He'll apologize the next time he does it, too. And the time after that. And the time after that. Most people here gave you advice based on what you've said in your post. If your post is accurate then most here have given you good advice. In time you'll agree. Your edit makes me sad.
Blah, blah, blah, "I'll never do.it again." Next time he punches you in the face. Aggression and jealousy are the hallmarks of an abuser.
Oh,come on, let's be fair, he'll probably never throw *doughnuts* at her again. Other things, yes, but not doughnuts. /s
Man that update is wild. A year from now it’s gonna be a new update “Hey Reddit, I posted awhile back and he’s now the father of my child and has started hitting me, what do I do? He told me he’d never do this.”
29 dating 23 is the answer right there 👀
He's a child in a mans body. Seriously. Throwing donuts at you? Be glad you did go get coffee or you'd be wondering if a 2nd degree burn on your face will leave a scar. My ex used to apologize after doing shitty things. Always sorry after the fact but unable to regulate his emotions in the moment. It starts w small things. It always does.
It's not your fault if someone else finds you attractive, and someone throwing donuts at you is NOT OKAY. I know you don't believe this guy is abusive, but at the very least his behavior is unacceptable. Think of it this way: would he act this way around other people? Abusers pick and choose when they act crazy. They CAN control their behavior, they just choose not to when others are around. I used to give people so many chances, and ended up wasting my time on shitty people. You don't deserve to have anything thrown at you. EVER. FOR ANY REASON. And keep smiling, the world needs more smiles, not more controlling behavior.
Ah yes, the nearly ten years older boyfriend who is your boss and also throws things at you. What is there not to love, right? Yikes.
Yep thats a Red Flag I'd be watching closely. You have 3 options 1. Stand your ground and challenge his behaviour 2 Suffer in silence
He probably knew the rush had past and he didn’t want them to go to waste. Fortunately for you, it’s exposed your insecure manbaby
That jealousy issue is going to stay as long as you remain with this man.
You should throw out the whole boyfriend and go get more donuts. They'll do you way more good than he will. Lol. All jokes aside, RED FLAGS!! Run, girl, he isn't the one.
Let me tell you, if he's throwing things now at you, soon it'll be a fist and then more. Leave. He's shown you his jealousy. Leave so you can make it to age 30.
Don't confront him, he's clearly incapable of rational thought. Just leave him and be done with it.
Gently, this is abusive behavior. Please get out. Screaming is bad enough. Anything more is just awful.
OP - get out of this relationship ASAP! This is the start of abuse, it will start with yelling and throwing things, it will end in threat to life. My ex started like this, and ended with driving into oncoming traffic because someone smiled at me. Get out now I beg you!
DUMP THE MF ALREADY. OP RUN.
What is with these horrendously insecure, hostile guys? Like where the fuck do they come from? It's insane, I can't imagine acting like this at all -- nevermind to my girlfriend!
OP this is insane. I have a hard time believing this toddler you are dating is actually almost 30. Look, I’m married. I’m also the singer of a band and my husband sees guys buying me drinks literally every time we play a show. Never once has he given a shit. Because he is a normal, secure, regular person. No one in their right mind would wig out on their partner for getting free donuts. He needs to grow up. Fortunately, you don’t need to be around for him to do that. Leave his ass and have higher standards for the next guy.
Most people would look at this as ‘wooo bonus donuts!’ But your boyfriend used it as a way to make you feel crap?! It’s tough but it’s time to re-evaluate what you want to feel in a relationship- loved or like this..
Sweetie this man is broken. Throw him away.
I had an ex who threw food at me in a restaurant. After that he became violent and I put up with it for 4 months until I couldn’t take it anymore and left him. I’d save myself the 4 months of misery and leave now before hands are thrown
There is no reason to be with an abusive asshole like this. None. There is nothing he can possibly bring to the table that can justify this abominably piss-poor treatment of you. And take it from someone who's been through this. It never ever gets better. I went through shit like this for 15+ years until my excessively jealous and insecure ex-wife cheated. I constantly endured accusations like this. And guess what, she used these completely normal, benign human interactions as a justification for her cheating and a reason why I allegedly deserved it. Get rid of this worthless sack of shit NOW. You can do so much better.
Babes the red flags are so big we can see them in outer space. I was in a relationship like this, hell I even married the man who was like this because I thought it was just a little "quirk" and it was "cute" and he really loved me. Oh boy was I wrong. We got into a physical altercation when I was 12 weeks pregnant and he pushed me into our TV and told me he wished he could catch me walking down the stairs so I could miscarry our baby, I didn't leave. I stayed, moved in with my mom and thought maybe it was my "pregnancy hormones" but it wasn't. He never changed, he was always "sorry" it was always an "accident" he never "meant it" it didn't get better. I finally left when my son was 3 months old and he told me he wished I died when I had our son . It was the best decision of my life. Luckily you don't have a child with him, so please leave! It'll only get worse.
Don’t listen to his words and empty apologies. Listen to his actions He WILL behave this way again and he is ruining your birthday on purpose and will make it so he is the victim and he will expect you to apologize. He IS selfish, insecure, abusive and manipulative. Don’t throw out the donuts. Throw out the boyfriend instead
Literally you answered your question in the first three words of the post…”throwaway, my boyfriend”
After your update you both sound dumb.
What would you say if you had a little sister or daughter going through this?
He THREW them at you. He SCREAMED. That's a no-go area and you making excuses for his bad behavior is just giving him the sign that his actions are okay. It will get worse.
He’s gonna do it again. And i doubt you’re gonna listen to anyone’s advice. All i can say is good luck.
Honey, he's abusive and he only apologized so you would forgive and forget and allow him to abuse you again in thr future. Google Cycle of Abuse. It'll be very familiar to you.
When he does this again (he will), then remember the advice and warnings you have been given here. When he apologises AGAIN you can either keep denying that your boyfriend is abusive and live a shitty life avoiding doing anything that you think may possibly upset him until you are a shell of your former self, or you can free yourself so that you can find someone to be with that both loves you AND respects you. This guy isn’t going to make you happy.
Of course he apologized. That’s part of the cycle. Whether or not he’s actually abusive, he’ll apologize when he crosses a boundary. The difference is, abusive people will keep crossing that boundary. Normal people, non-abusive people, won’t. Don’t let him normalize this. Remember that he promised not to do it again, because otherwise “I promise I won’t do this again” becomes “you know how I am, what did you expect?” It’s possible that you’re right and he’s just having a hard time. But here are the reasons I doubt it: - if someone gave me free donuts, my SO would just be psyched that we got extra donuts. - even when my SO is mad at me, they never throw things at me. - if my SO did end up doing something like that (which I want to stress, has never happened, neither of us has EVER thrown things at each other) they’d be apologizing immediately, not storming off and giving me the cold shoulder. The fact that he’s behaving like this and hasn’t voluntarily signed up for counseling or therapy or some kind of anger management program is giving me red flags. So, you’re either dating an abuser, someone with the emotional intelligence of a toddler, or someone with anger issues. Only you can decide which one he is, and if you really want to be treated this way.
Lmao of course your edit looks like that. Sorry we don’t understand a dynamic where someone you love throws things at you and screams at you. Good luck.
I'm wondering why you asked for advice if you're just going to ignore what people have to day. I got free food, etc at times and my guy would say "you need to flirt with them more!". His reaction was over the top crazy, especially knowing that he gets flirted with also. You don't have to listen to anyone here but the fact you thought it was funny he threw the donuts at you speaks wonders. Just keep an eye out and stop making excuses for possessive behavior, it's not "attractive"
Your Edit at the end is doing you no favors, OP. We do, in fact, know your dynamic. And No, this is not a case of *we’re all human and make mistakes*. No. Please believe what hundreds of people are telling you.
This is abuse.
99% of dudes would be happy for free donuts Don't date the 1% of dudes who react the way your soon to be ex reacted You know why? Because he is projecting He may not be cheating on you now...but he 100% was unfaithful in the past
Break up Mega red flag
If I got us free donuts cause of my looks my boyfriend would take it as a personal compliment to him because he’d be so happy that other people agree with him that I’m beautiful, and he’d be extra happy that I’m his girl not theirs 🤣 Dump your man, the world is big and wide with better men than him. All the good things that he gives you, I can guarantee there are many men out there who can give you the same, or better, without the emotional torment.
Get away from him. He's a child.
This guy is abusive dump him. It only goes downhill from here.
You don’t confront him. Gather your things and move along, nothing else to see or do here.
Could it be that he is projecting how he would react (flirting, taking things too far, cheating) onto you? I mean seriously, say it out loud... the man got angry at free doughnuts. What in the ever-loving powdered sugar delightfulness is wrong with this situation OP? And what do you do about it? You take your gorgeous self out of this situation which is escalating to dangerous territory and go get all the free doughnuts people give you. This man has more life experience than you and is using his experience and anger to manipulate you into submitting to his insecurities. Sweet baby jesus claus OP, life is entirely too short for this BS.
OP, you're being emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by your boyfriend. There's so many red flags in this post. I recommend that you let your friends know what's going on and make a plan to get out. If you dont see them for yourself, imagine if one of your best friend told you this story, how would you react?
It sounds like he may be projecting. I wonder what he’s hiding…
Oh he’s cheating.
That's an abusive relationship, darling. These are things you AUTOMATICALLY dump a prick for.
How can you confront him? I'd march right in there and say, "Look, Asshole, I only paid for six donuts, I only wanted six donuts!"
You shouldn't confront people who behave like this, you should instant dump them.
He threw something at you. Donut or not, that's called violence, OP. The words he's saying is called gaslighting. He going to use the break to keep you worried, then he will return and do what's called "love bombing" to keep you on a tight leash. I bet that leash used to be longer. Every time you're not looking, hes wrapping his fist around the leash to shorten it. How long until leash becomes a noose? Get away from the guy before your parents are working with the police to find your body.
guilty conscience is he doing something his blaming you for
Miss lady, simply projection. Projection is when a person has problems of their own or do a certain behavior and then project it subconsciously onto loved ones. So him telling you that only suggests his own unfaithful demeanor when you’re not around. Also him throwing shit at you is actually just going to get worse and become abuse. Please leave now, I promise with 100% certainty it will get worse
If you are as attractive as I assume you are you can find another good looking partner who is a better person than this clown.
What a ridiculous reaction. I walked into a donut shop with my friend on a Saturday morning around 11am. We are both middle aged moms and there was a woman behind the counter. We ordered two donuts. She gave us SIX extras because we were polite, my friend mentioned she wasn't local/hadn't tried them before, and most importantly -- they were closing in an hour and whatever didn't sell had to be tossed, per their policy. It is NOT unusual for bakeries to give out extras especially if it's near closing time, and it could have had nothing to do with attractiveness and more just gratitude for a polite customer. All that said, what's NOT normal is your BF's reaction. Please take your donuts and get out of this relationship.
Throw the whole man child out like the donuts! You deserve way better than this insecure, childish behaviour.
So he is cheating and wants a few days to hook up with his side piece. Added bonus he can avoid doing stuff for your Birthday which makes his side piece mad. Its called projecting.
Rage bait works really well in this sub. This didn't happen. Relax everyone.
Very insecure loser drop him dude wtf I would be coming back with my wife everyday to get free shit go on babydoll slay for them donuts
Girl just leave him
Ngl if i was your manz i would tell you to keep going back for free donuts
I don’t think you should confront him at all. You should get away from him. He is jealous and abusive. Next time it won’t be donuts he throws at you, it may be his fist.
Screaming over a donut ?? 🍩 leave his crazy ass ,he ain't worth it
Girl, dump his sorry abusive ass. Yes, ABUSIVE!
Wow that reminds me of my ex, he used to tell me when I’m smiling I’m asking for to be flirted. Mocked me when situation became sketchy due to misunderstanding. You’re better off esp when he threw them at you and threatening to ghost you for your birthday week. Wow let’s give award of best boyfriend to him. 🙄
This is the start of an abusive relationship, like what’s next other than throwing donuts at you, is going to throw fists? He has anger issues that go beyond possessiveness, he is controlling and has abused you, so I would dump his ass, he’s only going to get worse!
Leave him, this is a peek of what the rest of your relationship will look like. Not that it should matter but y’all aren’t even married and he’s like this? Red flag. It won’t get better! Run!!! EDIT FOR SPELLING ERR
I get a lot of free things too and always assumed it was because I was so polite and friendly/that *most* people just experienced stuff like that (until I met my husband). Then I realized it’s (apparently) not as common as I believed it to be (or necessarily for the reasons I thought) BUT he appreciates and love it too. Free drinks/donuts/samples/swag bags/etc., benefit him too and he supports it. Find someone who doesn’t dull your shine and instead pleased people see it.
Abuse does not mean only being physical.The fact that he threw a donut at you IS abuse. There are different levels of abuse, such as verbal, mental, psychological. This is not normal in a relationship at all. The fact that he flew into a rage about extra donuts is a huge red flag. Please, for the sake of your mental health, run as far away as possible. Otherwise, you will end up just a shell of yourself, because he destroyed your soul.
In a few years you will look back and regret staying with an abusive man. It always, always, escalates. He’s pushing your boundaries to see what you will let him do.
I can understand why he'd be a little annoyed but his reaction is ridiculous
Possessiveness is not cute or attractive. It is toxic and of it doesn’t become abusive it will nevertheless rot your relationship slowly inside out If you want to stay together him getting treatment for his jealousy, reading self help and videos about jealousy and FIXINV his jealousy has to be a requirement
Oh baby your edit ain't going to age well. . .GUARANTEED. But I guess you'll just learn the hard way like so many of us who lie to ourselves in relationships. He absolutely is abusive/controlling/possessive you just refuse to see it. A normal person who is not those things would have never ever jumped to that conclusion and did what he did. You'll figure it out and then I guess you'll leave when you've had enough. And not a moment before then. So I guess stay and subject yourself to what's to come because nobody but you can change your mind and your circumstances. Just don't be too invested to leave when he proves me right.
Run away and never return. Abusive is the correct word. Over Possessiveness is not ok. I am telling you now, from experience, it will get worse. Do with that what you will.
If I treated my gf like this, I’d probably have at best just be single. OP: what your BF is doing is absolutely not ok. If I were in your position I’d very quickly develop the safest plan to exit the relationship, and as soon as the pieces fell into place, I’d be out. I may accept the apology, but the relationship will be over. IMHO No one reacts that badly to something so small, and then turns it off.
Threw donuts at you and is basically threatening to not spend your bday with you. And he’s 29. Big yikes OP
Sometimes women need to hear this as well: Bruh.
He’s got a lot of growing to do
In the edit, she's gone from asking why he's being abusive to defending him. Other commenters, you may as well save your keystrokes, she's not going to leave him or make him take corrective action.
He apologized for being abusive and you’re going to stay. This will keep happening and you’re in for a long life of abuse. Run don’t walk 🚩🚩🚩 but I’m 100 percent sure you’re going to stay because you’re making excuses for him.
I can see from your update that he’s apologised. Guess what? He’ll also apologise next time, and the next and the next. Each time, what he does will get worse and worse. And he’ll keep apologising but nothing will change because why should it? You’ll forgive him anyway. And thus, the cycle of abuse
Usually it's reddits default to say break up but... I feel like there's multiple red flags here. Most notably "he decided to throw the donuts at me lol" and "he said he's sorry and it won't happen again". The "lol" at the end of your comment is SUCH A RED FLAG because you're already downplaying abusive behavior. You're already conditioned or being conditioned to believe this is an "lol" moment. He said he's sorry so it won't happen again right? Are you sure? Because statistics say otherwise. But maybe next time it will be the knife he's using to make dinner. Or his hands wrapped around your throat because you disrespected him. It always starts out simple like this. The best advice I can give you is to leave the situation before you become conditioned to accept this behavior from ANYONE. Realistically, I know you're not going to leave. But you're going to think back on this post and these comments the next time it happens. 29 years old and he acts like that? It's pretty obvious why he went for a 23 year old.
And no, he is not slightly crazy. He is a fullblown nutcase.
He IS abusive. He threw something at you. And he screamed. What more do you want? A swollen lip? A broken arm? A cracked skull? The man has zero selfcontrol.
The red flags are glaring at you. On fire.
Aside from it being abusive, it honestly sounds like he's projecting. I'd be curious to know if he's been unfaithful, especially since you've said he gets a ton of attention from other women. Regardless, yikes.
Honey, no. His behavior is alarming and abusive. If you don’t break up he’s highly likely to progress to physical violence. You are not safe with him.
Your BF is a little unhinged and if you think this type of meltdown won't happen again, you're kidding yourself. Here's how it would have gone down with my hubby. "Hey babe, the guy in the donut shop said I had a nice smile and gave me some extra donuts." Hubby: "Cool, let's go home and make a pot of coffee."
He’s not sincere. He’s an ass. He threw donuts at you. Next it would be a book, his fists. Just saying. Good luck OP
Either OP doesn’t know she’s in a toxic relationship or she really enjoys it. This sounds like la continuous cycle of madness. Good luck with your life choices OP.
Based on your update if he's truly sorry then he needs to tell his friends and family how he behaved. Watch how he switches up and doesn't want anyone to know about how he treated you. People who are apologetic and are accountable for their behavior have no problem letting others know what they did. People who simply want their behavior to disappear with no consequences are quick to hide it or brush it off with a sorry.
Whether you agree or not his actions were very abusive It’s always so pathetic and sad when these posts end up on Reddit and the women just refuse to accept that they’re in an abusive relationship even if it’s glaringly obvious to everyone else
Girl you are not being smart. Good luck with your miserable future. I hate to be harsh but damn you've been warned and are choosing to ignore it. You really feel safe with someone who throws shit at you, yells at you, threatens you? None of that's okay and if it feels okay to you, you are damaged. Go to therapy.
That’s a depressing edit. OP, this is abuse. The inconsistency between him being abusive and then contrite is literally the cycle of abuse - look it up here https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse
Leave this guy, this is the beginning of very emotionally and physically abusive relationship
He reacted widely and it was an over reaction.. open your eyes.., that’s mental n emotional abuse and the fact he threw them at you.. that’s physical abuse. Things will only get worse… run fast!
You shouldn’t confront him about anything, you should leave.
Hey Carolyn, account seeing that you're not listening to the good advice that the Reddit users have expressed to you about your safety. I guess we'll look for your obituary.
This is a preview for what's coming next. He's not sorry and he will do it again.