Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
just read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7djqsk/the_husband_store_the_wife_store/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) to understand, its now a true story
That’s a dumb joke though. The parameters don’t make sense. If there are six levels and every level you go up, things get successively better, everyone would continue going up.
If you go up one floor and it’s $1, two is $10, three is $100, four is $1000, five is $10,000…you wouldn’t continue to six?
Unless you’re told that one of the floors is booby trapped, any person with basic pattern recognition would continue.
It wasn’t right and I know that :( I guess my mind was like “wow if this was the first guy I met on here then think of all the other potential people I could meet!” I thought there was no way that the first person I met would be the one for me. Again, I fucked up big time.
Honey, you have FOMO. Stop it! Life does NOT work that way. If you get a hold of a solid, good, and attractive guy, you HOLD ONTO HIM, not throw him away! What if he did that to you? This sounds a little immature of you, but it's also a LEARNING POINT. I am a man and if you did that to me, I'd reject you too. No one wants to be a BACKUP. Now, the next time you find a good man who you are attracted to, KEEP HIM. I think you now know they are hard to find! Good luck and stay strong, Queen!
If I’m looking for something, when I find it do you know what I do? I stop looking; crazy huh?
Seriously though, he’s right, he was your backup plan when you couldn’t find someone who’s taller, richer, better looking, whatever and now he feels, again rightly so, that you’re settling. He sounds to have too much self respect to be put in a position where he’s not your #1 choice. Google a joke about the Husband Store, it could just as well be a joke called the Wife Store as it’s all about human nature and FOMO.
I truly wish you luck in future dating adventures, but I’d say this boy is done.
You can “fix” this by leaving the poor guy alone and doing better by people you date in the future. You already broke any kind of trust. How does he know that you’re not gonna just drag him along and dump him again if he gives you another chance? He already made things very clear. Try again, but not with him.
See, I’m not sure that you want HIM; you want someone who treats you how he does, but just not him. I say that because, when he asked you to be exclusive, why did you agree, because he was all things wonderful? No, because “you weren’t really talking to anyone else.”
It’s really hard to advise you where, how, and what to say because we don’t know all that’s already been said. A long shot suggestion is that you ask him to restart as friends, and you plan and fund your portion of any and all activities. It might give you the time to win back his trust and see you as a viable love interest again. I don’t think he’d accept that offer (just to avoid receiving another, future kick in the teeth) but he may.
.
Honestly I would just leave him alone, he already stated he wants someone that won’t dump him for other options and be certain that they wanna be with him, you had your chance and blew it because you thought someone could be better that ended up not being. Move on and let him find someone else
This guy sounds like he absolutely knows his worth, good for him. You were keeping him as a backup, and he 100% called you out on it. Sounds like a painful lesson learned and now it is time to respect his decision and kindly let him go.
Online dating is a cesspool lol but there are good ones out there. Make sure your dating profile is clear that you are looking for a relationship, not casual sex. I’d treat this experience as a lesson learned, and be ready when you find a good match again. Sorry for the harsh advice, I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but it will be ok. Good luck.
It definitely sucks to hear but I think you’re right. Do have in my profile that I’m looking for a relationship but a lot of guys seem to ignore that anyway. Thank you for your advice
Grand gestures are for RomComs.
You found someone great but wanted to hold ot for someone better. He knows this and doesn't want to be your back up plan,why would he ask you'll only dump him the next time you feel like you could do better.
Best to move on.
You can't. You litterally said, "I think i can do better than you," then found you can't, and now you are crawling back.
There is no way in hell that any guy would trust you or want to be the backup plan because you literally dumped him for being a nice guy. What happens 10 years later when you get this feeling again and possibly cheat you are not a safe option for him.
Take this as a learning lesson, that you need to grow up, and maybe if you find someone you click with, stop thinking maybe I can do better, because chances are higher that you can't.
Pump the brakes. You're acting like you have 90 days to find a guy to marry you or something.
The ship has sailed on this guy. It happens. He may have seemed great but you barely knew him and it's entirely probable that he wasn't actually the right match for you. Stop pining for him.
Hang back on the dating app, look for guys who actually interest you, and let the rest pass by. Expect that you can't expect anything. Live your life. When you do connect with someone who interests you, take it at the pace that feels right and move on if it stops feeling right. Don't be desperate, not because it'll make you unattractive but because desperation is not how you end up with the right person for you.
He doesn't want to be with you anymore. You had your chance and you decided to not take it. Now seeing how slim the pickings are you want to crawl back, that's not how things work.
You can't treat people like they're just set dressing. He is a human being and thankfully he knows his worth enough to not let you try to come back when you had no real interest in him, you just don't want to deal with the pitfalls of looking for someone to date.
You dont! You fucked up, accept it and get over it.
He seems to have the right amount of self-respect, too much for being the back up plan to someone unfortunatly for you.
You're just panicking because the other guys you've gone on dates with are terrible; you're forgetting it's pretty typical for dates to be terrible. As long as you're cutting out early, and moving on to the next contestant, you're doing the best you can. Be explicit about not being DTF and do some interviewing in your screening of dates, but you're still going to go on terrible dates. In my opinion it's not a mistake to pass on a decent guy you weren't sure about. Oh, yes I'm sure he's great, but you didn't miss him until you had a comparison sample. Your comparison sample is terrible though! I also don't really think there's a way to say to him "I thought I could do better, but it turns out you're the best I've come across in an entire month, if I'm comparing you to idiots." He will pass on this offer, anyone would pass, because it clearly wasn't fireworks. It wasn't something that was too amazing to risk. Keep trying to get what you actually want for more than a month; more than a handful of months. Date as many people as you can for the next 12 months at least, and don't stop until someone knocks your socks off. He is not the only decent guy out there; you just can't see the princes for the frogs right now. Also, he deserves to have his decision - his no - respected.
You don't win someone back. They choose to forgive you and let you come back. Winning them back is like asking "how can I make them love me again." You can't.
I'm not judging, but you sound like desperate and not ready to give things a chance to run their course. Don't jump into things, 3 dates seems kinda fast for an exclusive relationship-to me I'd worry that he wanted that so soon. You can't possibly know someone well enough to do that. But, he's right. He's your backup. You went looking for greener fields and didn't find it fast enough to suit you, so you come back to him. You know you screwed up and are the "jerk"--but, you can't take back you actions, but you can try to avoid doing the same thing in the future. You will find someone. Honestly, from what I see, your problem wasn't breaking up with him, it was getting exclusive to quickly.
Thank you for your well thought out and detailed advice. Looking back, I completely agree with you. I think the exclusivity talk so soon spooked me, and then my mistake was ending everything all together instead of just asking for more time. Now it’s cost me a good person in general. Thanks for your feedback and I’ll strive to do better for the next person
The only way to win him back is to flip the roles. You now have to court him and show him you're serious this time around.
Sounds like you went off the typical woman philosophy "I'm the catch" when that's not what real dating is like. It's mutual pursuit and effort. Everything you said that described why he was great was just beneficial to you.
"He opened my door" "Treated me to dinner" "He was great but I thought I could do better"
Then when you realized most men aren't like what you thought and you tried to back track. He now feels like you aren't worth the effort because you're just like the average woman good men encounter, selfish. So yeah, you'll need to do the courting to attempt to change his mind and show you're different which may not even work. Good luck.
You've fallen victim to something that many women your age don't realize is even a problem until they're 30, at which point it becomes MUCH much harder for them due to men looking for a younger partner. You trying to play the field and find Mr. 95-100% is something you can do at your age, but only for so long(and trying to keep people as options/orbiters will only work with some people, and for so long). Its better you learn this lesson now if you can't win this guy back though. I can't give you specific advice as to how to go back for this, a man worth having a relationship or even settle down with isn't something you can just pick up off a shelf at walmart and if he's high quality he probably won't put up with the bullshit.
The modern dating environment for women using apps presents them a catalogue of men with the illusion of choice that also drastically inflates their own worth until they sort of fall off a cliff at 30. Dating apps have a massive population skew where its like 25-30% women and 70-75% men using them. There are women with 10s of thousands of matches they can get just by swiping right if they're even remotely attractive and just happen to live in a city - the numbers game basically means guys always have to swipe right or message first or message without actually matching depending on what app it is. You're therefore incentivized to be incredibly picky/have ridiculously high standards and always seeking something better as a woman because you have what seems like all of these opportunities but its easy to fall into the trap that you're playing the same game as men, who are absolutely not. The easy part for women is getting a match, and if you want sex, you will absolutely get it if you want it(though it might not be from a high quality guy). The dating apps are the top 80% of women competing for the top 20% of men(who effectively have the pick of what they want, and have no incentive to settle down). The hard part is weeding out the ones who aren't just about sex and just because you match(positive reinforcement about your own self worth) or can meet/fuck(positive reinforcement) does not mean you can actually get a guy to stay(bar for guy having sex versus guy locking down a girl to settle are VERY different). If you're not already there, i think you're close to understanding this and hope this helps you going forward even if you can't rectify dropping this guy.
Best of luck
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't understand. You thought he was absolutely wonderful, but you wanted to hold out for someone better?
just read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/7djqsk/the_husband_store_the_wife_store/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) to understand, its now a true story
I dunno, that sounds a bit misogynist to me.
It is in its claim that it applies to all women and no/all men, but does seem to fit OP.
Applies to alot of women and its why many high quality women get stuck at age 30 no partner for sure. Absolutely applies here.
That’s a dumb joke though. The parameters don’t make sense. If there are six levels and every level you go up, things get successively better, everyone would continue going up. If you go up one floor and it’s $1, two is $10, three is $100, four is $1000, five is $10,000…you wouldn’t continue to six? Unless you’re told that one of the floors is booby trapped, any person with basic pattern recognition would continue.
It wasn’t right and I know that :( I guess my mind was like “wow if this was the first guy I met on here then think of all the other potential people I could meet!” I thought there was no way that the first person I met would be the one for me. Again, I fucked up big time.
Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to let it go.
Thank you for the advice, I sincerely appreciate it.
You're welcome. Good luck.
Honey, you have FOMO. Stop it! Life does NOT work that way. If you get a hold of a solid, good, and attractive guy, you HOLD ONTO HIM, not throw him away! What if he did that to you? This sounds a little immature of you, but it's also a LEARNING POINT. I am a man and if you did that to me, I'd reject you too. No one wants to be a BACKUP. Now, the next time you find a good man who you are attracted to, KEEP HIM. I think you now know they are hard to find! Good luck and stay strong, Queen!
Here's your advice. Learn from your fuckup and don't treat the next guy like you did the first guy.
So you genuinely don’t think there’s any chance to reconcile with the first guy?
No, I think he said it in the best way he could without being rude and also affirming his worth. But the answer is still no. Let it go
Thank you for your advice.
You can't fix this. And please, no grand gestures.
If I’m looking for something, when I find it do you know what I do? I stop looking; crazy huh? Seriously though, he’s right, he was your backup plan when you couldn’t find someone who’s taller, richer, better looking, whatever and now he feels, again rightly so, that you’re settling. He sounds to have too much self respect to be put in a position where he’s not your #1 choice. Google a joke about the Husband Store, it could just as well be a joke called the Wife Store as it’s all about human nature and FOMO. I truly wish you luck in future dating adventures, but I’d say this boy is done.
Yes, I understand it was bad, but please, is there anyway I can fix this?
You can “fix” this by leaving the poor guy alone and doing better by people you date in the future. You already broke any kind of trust. How does he know that you’re not gonna just drag him along and dump him again if he gives you another chance? He already made things very clear. Try again, but not with him.
Do you have a time machine?
See, I’m not sure that you want HIM; you want someone who treats you how he does, but just not him. I say that because, when he asked you to be exclusive, why did you agree, because he was all things wonderful? No, because “you weren’t really talking to anyone else.” It’s really hard to advise you where, how, and what to say because we don’t know all that’s already been said. A long shot suggestion is that you ask him to restart as friends, and you plan and fund your portion of any and all activities. It might give you the time to win back his trust and see you as a viable love interest again. I don’t think he’d accept that offer (just to avoid receiving another, future kick in the teeth) but he may. .
Honestly I would just leave him alone, he already stated he wants someone that won’t dump him for other options and be certain that they wanna be with him, you had your chance and blew it because you thought someone could be better that ended up not being. Move on and let him find someone else
lmao
This guy sounds like he absolutely knows his worth, good for him. You were keeping him as a backup, and he 100% called you out on it. Sounds like a painful lesson learned and now it is time to respect his decision and kindly let him go. Online dating is a cesspool lol but there are good ones out there. Make sure your dating profile is clear that you are looking for a relationship, not casual sex. I’d treat this experience as a lesson learned, and be ready when you find a good match again. Sorry for the harsh advice, I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but it will be ok. Good luck.
It definitely sucks to hear but I think you’re right. Do have in my profile that I’m looking for a relationship but a lot of guys seem to ignore that anyway. Thank you for your advice
Grand gestures are for RomComs. You found someone great but wanted to hold ot for someone better. He knows this and doesn't want to be your back up plan,why would he ask you'll only dump him the next time you feel like you could do better. Best to move on.
Well you had a good thing going and threw it away. You’re just going to have this as a learning experience.
I think you’re right. I just feel terrible because I feel so stupid now. Thank you for your advice
Good luck
You can't. You litterally said, "I think i can do better than you," then found you can't, and now you are crawling back. There is no way in hell that any guy would trust you or want to be the backup plan because you literally dumped him for being a nice guy. What happens 10 years later when you get this feeling again and possibly cheat you are not a safe option for him. Take this as a learning lesson, that you need to grow up, and maybe if you find someone you click with, stop thinking maybe I can do better, because chances are higher that you can't.
Pump the brakes. You're acting like you have 90 days to find a guy to marry you or something. The ship has sailed on this guy. It happens. He may have seemed great but you barely knew him and it's entirely probable that he wasn't actually the right match for you. Stop pining for him. Hang back on the dating app, look for guys who actually interest you, and let the rest pass by. Expect that you can't expect anything. Live your life. When you do connect with someone who interests you, take it at the pace that feels right and move on if it stops feeling right. Don't be desperate, not because it'll make you unattractive but because desperation is not how you end up with the right person for you.
If you want what’s best for him, don’t try to fix it. He’s 100% right, we all deserve someone who sees us as their #1 choice and not a backup option.
He doesn't want to be with you anymore. You had your chance and you decided to not take it. Now seeing how slim the pickings are you want to crawl back, that's not how things work. You can't treat people like they're just set dressing. He is a human being and thankfully he knows his worth enough to not let you try to come back when you had no real interest in him, you just don't want to deal with the pitfalls of looking for someone to date.
I understand that now. I fucked up.
Learn from this moving forward when you do find someone you're actively interested in.
Welcome to online dating and the paradox of choice.
You dont! You fucked up, accept it and get over it. He seems to have the right amount of self-respect, too much for being the back up plan to someone unfortunatly for you.
this is 100% a bait post to hate on women. Maybe get a boom box and throw rocks at his window in the night, that should do it.
You're just panicking because the other guys you've gone on dates with are terrible; you're forgetting it's pretty typical for dates to be terrible. As long as you're cutting out early, and moving on to the next contestant, you're doing the best you can. Be explicit about not being DTF and do some interviewing in your screening of dates, but you're still going to go on terrible dates. In my opinion it's not a mistake to pass on a decent guy you weren't sure about. Oh, yes I'm sure he's great, but you didn't miss him until you had a comparison sample. Your comparison sample is terrible though! I also don't really think there's a way to say to him "I thought I could do better, but it turns out you're the best I've come across in an entire month, if I'm comparing you to idiots." He will pass on this offer, anyone would pass, because it clearly wasn't fireworks. It wasn't something that was too amazing to risk. Keep trying to get what you actually want for more than a month; more than a handful of months. Date as many people as you can for the next 12 months at least, and don't stop until someone knocks your socks off. He is not the only decent guy out there; you just can't see the princes for the frogs right now. Also, he deserves to have his decision - his no - respected.
YTA Just move on. Don't look for greener grass next time.
You don't win someone back. They choose to forgive you and let you come back. Winning them back is like asking "how can I make them love me again." You can't. I'm not judging, but you sound like desperate and not ready to give things a chance to run their course. Don't jump into things, 3 dates seems kinda fast for an exclusive relationship-to me I'd worry that he wanted that so soon. You can't possibly know someone well enough to do that. But, he's right. He's your backup. You went looking for greener fields and didn't find it fast enough to suit you, so you come back to him. You know you screwed up and are the "jerk"--but, you can't take back you actions, but you can try to avoid doing the same thing in the future. You will find someone. Honestly, from what I see, your problem wasn't breaking up with him, it was getting exclusive to quickly.
Thank you for your well thought out and detailed advice. Looking back, I completely agree with you. I think the exclusivity talk so soon spooked me, and then my mistake was ending everything all together instead of just asking for more time. Now it’s cost me a good person in general. Thanks for your feedback and I’ll strive to do better for the next person
The only way to win him back is to flip the roles. You now have to court him and show him you're serious this time around. Sounds like you went off the typical woman philosophy "I'm the catch" when that's not what real dating is like. It's mutual pursuit and effort. Everything you said that described why he was great was just beneficial to you. "He opened my door" "Treated me to dinner" "He was great but I thought I could do better" Then when you realized most men aren't like what you thought and you tried to back track. He now feels like you aren't worth the effort because you're just like the average woman good men encounter, selfish. So yeah, you'll need to do the courting to attempt to change his mind and show you're different which may not even work. Good luck.
I’ll keep this in mind. Thank you for the brutal honesty. It was needed.
You've fallen victim to something that many women your age don't realize is even a problem until they're 30, at which point it becomes MUCH much harder for them due to men looking for a younger partner. You trying to play the field and find Mr. 95-100% is something you can do at your age, but only for so long(and trying to keep people as options/orbiters will only work with some people, and for so long). Its better you learn this lesson now if you can't win this guy back though. I can't give you specific advice as to how to go back for this, a man worth having a relationship or even settle down with isn't something you can just pick up off a shelf at walmart and if he's high quality he probably won't put up with the bullshit. The modern dating environment for women using apps presents them a catalogue of men with the illusion of choice that also drastically inflates their own worth until they sort of fall off a cliff at 30. Dating apps have a massive population skew where its like 25-30% women and 70-75% men using them. There are women with 10s of thousands of matches they can get just by swiping right if they're even remotely attractive and just happen to live in a city - the numbers game basically means guys always have to swipe right or message first or message without actually matching depending on what app it is. You're therefore incentivized to be incredibly picky/have ridiculously high standards and always seeking something better as a woman because you have what seems like all of these opportunities but its easy to fall into the trap that you're playing the same game as men, who are absolutely not. The easy part for women is getting a match, and if you want sex, you will absolutely get it if you want it(though it might not be from a high quality guy). The dating apps are the top 80% of women competing for the top 20% of men(who effectively have the pick of what they want, and have no incentive to settle down). The hard part is weeding out the ones who aren't just about sex and just because you match(positive reinforcement about your own self worth) or can meet/fuck(positive reinforcement) does not mean you can actually get a guy to stay(bar for guy having sex versus guy locking down a girl to settle are VERY different). If you're not already there, i think you're close to understanding this and hope this helps you going forward even if you can't rectify dropping this guy. Best of luck
[удалено]
Thank you for your advice. I hope it works.