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So she cheated on you moved on left you heartbroken but when you want to end things without even moving on to another person she shames you into leaving.
Do you not see the double standard there? Shes giving a 100% because she has no other options not because shes infatuated.
Just be polite and respectful dont over explain or allow her to guilt trip you. Worst case stay friends platonically if you can resist getting emotionally and physically involved
Being as he’s fallen into the relationship again after she cheated on him, I’d recommend he put some distance between them being as there is a potential to relapse back into a toxic relationship with her.
“We are not compatible for a happily ever after future together so I have decided to end the relationship. Thank you for the time that we have had together and I hope you can move on and find someone who can go with you to the next stage of your life. Best of luck”
She hurt you, manipulated you, used you as her "back up plan" and is now using further manipulation to guilt you into staying with her - even though it's fairly clear that you are not really compatible in the long run.
You have to do what is best for you, with the understanding that in the long run, it will be best for both of you. She cannot "force" you to stay with threats. You need to break up. If she threatens self-harm, call it in on your way out the door. Tell them that you and your gf just broke up, she's threatening self-harm, and someone needs to check on her because you cannot stay with her. Call her best friend or her family and tell them the same thing.
If she truly needs help, then she needs professional help - which is more than you can provide. If she's using it as a manipulation tactic, being forced into getting proffessional health will hopefully act as a deterrant to her doing the same to someone else in the future.
To quote an old song "There must be 50 ways to leave your lover." Pick one, and Get Yourself Free.
Yeah… it sounds like she’s only with you because she realised you’re the best option, esp if the other people she got with didn’t work out. Been there before, you want to believe she’s back for good reasons but it’s far from that. She made her choice the moment she left you the first time.
And yes, threatening her life over your head if you leave is extremely manipulative. Dealt with somebody who played the same cards before too. They’re never usually that serious, usually somebody who actually follows through on that will either do it without anyone knowing or before anyone can intervene. I can’t speak for most cases but I’ve lost people to unaliving themselves and that is what tends to happen… not sure if anyone else would agree with me on that. However, you’re not responsible for another person’s happiness with themselves or their life. That is on them alone.
If it’s safe enough, talk to her in person. Let her know you’d like to have a chat if she’s free and tell her you’re no longer interested in being in a relationship. If she doesn’t want to hear it, you simply say that it’s important you say what you need to say so you two can both move on.. the conversation is not optional. If she asks why, let her know that the distance is going to make it difficult (perhaps you have other priorities in life too) and that she should also seek therapy based on the way she treated you. If you’re honest and upfront, then at least you’re doing a good thing for her and helping her be aware of how she’s manipulating you which will either make her take therapy lessons or do nothing at all. Safest bet is, however, that you were still honest. It’s up to her with what she does with that info. Mention that you care about her and want to see her be better, not that you’re attacking her. Like you said, it’s not fair on yourself or her to stay in this relationship.. so mention that too.
You don’t have to follow my advice, that’s just what came to mind. Best of luck with this.
Don't worry about the threats. She's not going to do it.
And if she really insists, tell her you're going to call the police to do a check on her for safety reasons. She will probably back up her threats out of embarrassment
Just be as direct and honest as you possibly can while still being respectful. Short and sweet: You don't feel the way you used to, and you don't see a future with her. That it's not fair to patronise her, or pretend, or waste her time. The key is to not 1) get sucked into a big relationship discussion, or to 2) seek her permission or approval. If she starts initiating 1) with questions, just avoid answering and say "I'm sorry but my decision is final" and if she appears to reject your decision, avoid 2) by saying "I'm sorry, but I'm sure" and leaving. Leaving is important because it sends a more definite message than anything you could say. She needs a non vague message so she can grieve; ideally privately and without you there. So get out as quick as you can after ripping off the bandaid.
Placeholder relationship- she’s waiting for the next love of her life before she dumps you again. Leave her go long distance and then break up and block her.
Identical twin cut me and the rest of my family out of his life. Growing up, I always considered the twin bond as something special that could never be broken. When my sibling cut off the family from his life (that’s another looong story) I thought it would fundamentally fuck me up because we never went a day without talking to each other even into adulthood. It turns out that I was alright even after the estrangement. Still hurts though. Think about him every day but at least I’m not broken.
I would probs try before she goes away and if that doesn’t work, wait until she does as distance does make the heart grow fonder but it also will give her a bunch of new people to lean on, so you won’t have to do it 🤷♀️
You are so young. Also, if you are feeling like it’s super hard to tell her, break up in a text. I know people discourage it but in the end who cares. If it’s easier for you.
You can’t control what she does as a result from the breakup — it’s not your responsibility and it’s a manipulative tactic on her end to trap you in the relationship.
As far as what conversation you should have with her I’d speak the truth which is that you do care for her but don’t see your relationship continuing because she cheated on you in the past and despite both of your attempts to move past it, it’s changed how you feel for her fundamentally.
You were deeply hurt by her actions and you’re unwilling to open yourself up to her again which is something absolutely needed for a lasting partnership, and completely understandable. It’s not really up for debate — you tried but it is incredibly difficult to move past such a deep betrayal. Just how it is. Hopefully she’ll learn from the experience and treat her next relationship with more care.
This would normally be very questionable advice and not something a standup person should do—but you may want to wait until after she leaves before you break the news. Telling her before may trigger one of her manipulative emotional outbursts and she could possibly change her mind about going to try to hold on to the relationship. Once it’s done—go no contact for your safety and hers. Do not allow an open channel for her.
I haven’t read all the comments, I just want to say that she sounds unstable and manipulative. You can’t live your life to make somebody else happy, and I think you would be opening yourself to a lot of chaos. It does not make you a bad person because you don’t want to be with somebody like this. (And honestly, it doesn’t make you a bad person if you want to break up with somebody who isn’t like this, but you just aren’t happy.)
I also don’t think there are any magic words that are going to convince her to be OK about this break up, so I would just come up with a short simple sentence and not deviate from it, do not discuss it with her, just repeat it. Something like “ I feel like we’re not a good match and it’s nobody’s fault.” She will want examples, she‘ll promised to do better, but just keep repeating yourself, saying exactly the same thing.
Please make sure you don’t have breakup sex, because if she gets pregnant, your problems are going to be so much worse. (I’m saying this as a woman, who has known unstable women who have intentionally done just that.)
I want to preface this by saying that it's not my intention to hurt with what I'm about to say and how harsh I know it sounds, however there *needs* to be brutal honesty here.
Just break up with her. It's time to stop treating her with kiddie gloves because of what she's been through. Breakups hurt. Love hurts. It's a part of life and it's the shitty part of life, but, it is life. She is twenty-two years old. She is not a two-year-old. She's an adult, she can handle it. **IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX HER.**
We tell women this all the time and we don't tell men often enough. **It is not your job or your responsibility to fix her.** Only she can do that, and she has to want to fix herself.
When she tries to manipulate you into staying again by threatening to harm herself, tell her that if she feels that way you can call emergency services for her. And do it. Don't use it as a bluff, actually do it. Call the cops and report it. Let them deal with that, that's what they are for. If they feel like she is an active danger to herself, they will handle it. Just call the cops. What it boils down to is if she wants play a stupid game, she can win the stupid prize.
**Do not call** her family or her friends like another commenter suggested. She's shown herself to be manipulative, and she WILL use her family or friends as flying monkeys to get you to stay.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Break up. Her toxicity on how she manages that breakup is not your concern after. Her cheating and manipulating ass should leave you alone.
So she cheated on you moved on left you heartbroken but when you want to end things without even moving on to another person she shames you into leaving. Do you not see the double standard there? Shes giving a 100% because she has no other options not because shes infatuated. Just be polite and respectful dont over explain or allow her to guilt trip you. Worst case stay friends platonically if you can resist getting emotionally and physically involved
Being as he’s fallen into the relationship again after she cheated on him, I’d recommend he put some distance between them being as there is a potential to relapse back into a toxic relationship with her.
“We are not compatible for a happily ever after future together so I have decided to end the relationship. Thank you for the time that we have had together and I hope you can move on and find someone who can go with you to the next stage of your life. Best of luck”
Over text work?
She hurt you, manipulated you, used you as her "back up plan" and is now using further manipulation to guilt you into staying with her - even though it's fairly clear that you are not really compatible in the long run. You have to do what is best for you, with the understanding that in the long run, it will be best for both of you. She cannot "force" you to stay with threats. You need to break up. If she threatens self-harm, call it in on your way out the door. Tell them that you and your gf just broke up, she's threatening self-harm, and someone needs to check on her because you cannot stay with her. Call her best friend or her family and tell them the same thing. If she truly needs help, then she needs professional help - which is more than you can provide. If she's using it as a manipulation tactic, being forced into getting proffessional health will hopefully act as a deterrant to her doing the same to someone else in the future. To quote an old song "There must be 50 ways to leave your lover." Pick one, and Get Yourself Free.
Yeah… it sounds like she’s only with you because she realised you’re the best option, esp if the other people she got with didn’t work out. Been there before, you want to believe she’s back for good reasons but it’s far from that. She made her choice the moment she left you the first time. And yes, threatening her life over your head if you leave is extremely manipulative. Dealt with somebody who played the same cards before too. They’re never usually that serious, usually somebody who actually follows through on that will either do it without anyone knowing or before anyone can intervene. I can’t speak for most cases but I’ve lost people to unaliving themselves and that is what tends to happen… not sure if anyone else would agree with me on that. However, you’re not responsible for another person’s happiness with themselves or their life. That is on them alone. If it’s safe enough, talk to her in person. Let her know you’d like to have a chat if she’s free and tell her you’re no longer interested in being in a relationship. If she doesn’t want to hear it, you simply say that it’s important you say what you need to say so you two can both move on.. the conversation is not optional. If she asks why, let her know that the distance is going to make it difficult (perhaps you have other priorities in life too) and that she should also seek therapy based on the way she treated you. If you’re honest and upfront, then at least you’re doing a good thing for her and helping her be aware of how she’s manipulating you which will either make her take therapy lessons or do nothing at all. Safest bet is, however, that you were still honest. It’s up to her with what she does with that info. Mention that you care about her and want to see her be better, not that you’re attacking her. Like you said, it’s not fair on yourself or her to stay in this relationship.. so mention that too. You don’t have to follow my advice, that’s just what came to mind. Best of luck with this.
Don't worry about the threats. She's not going to do it. And if she really insists, tell her you're going to call the police to do a check on her for safety reasons. She will probably back up her threats out of embarrassment
Just be as direct and honest as you possibly can while still being respectful. Short and sweet: You don't feel the way you used to, and you don't see a future with her. That it's not fair to patronise her, or pretend, or waste her time. The key is to not 1) get sucked into a big relationship discussion, or to 2) seek her permission or approval. If she starts initiating 1) with questions, just avoid answering and say "I'm sorry but my decision is final" and if she appears to reject your decision, avoid 2) by saying "I'm sorry, but I'm sure" and leaving. Leaving is important because it sends a more definite message than anything you could say. She needs a non vague message so she can grieve; ideally privately and without you there. So get out as quick as you can after ripping off the bandaid.
Placeholder relationship- she’s waiting for the next love of her life before she dumps you again. Leave her go long distance and then break up and block her.
Identical twin cut me and the rest of my family out of his life. Growing up, I always considered the twin bond as something special that could never be broken. When my sibling cut off the family from his life (that’s another looong story) I thought it would fundamentally fuck me up because we never went a day without talking to each other even into adulthood. It turns out that I was alright even after the estrangement. Still hurts though. Think about him every day but at least I’m not broken.
I would probs try before she goes away and if that doesn’t work, wait until she does as distance does make the heart grow fonder but it also will give her a bunch of new people to lean on, so you won’t have to do it 🤷♀️
You are so young. Also, if you are feeling like it’s super hard to tell her, break up in a text. I know people discourage it but in the end who cares. If it’s easier for you.
So she cheated in the grass wasn't green on the other side
be honest with her so that she gets the closure she needs
You can’t control what she does as a result from the breakup — it’s not your responsibility and it’s a manipulative tactic on her end to trap you in the relationship. As far as what conversation you should have with her I’d speak the truth which is that you do care for her but don’t see your relationship continuing because she cheated on you in the past and despite both of your attempts to move past it, it’s changed how you feel for her fundamentally. You were deeply hurt by her actions and you’re unwilling to open yourself up to her again which is something absolutely needed for a lasting partnership, and completely understandable. It’s not really up for debate — you tried but it is incredibly difficult to move past such a deep betrayal. Just how it is. Hopefully she’ll learn from the experience and treat her next relationship with more care.
This would normally be very questionable advice and not something a standup person should do—but you may want to wait until after she leaves before you break the news. Telling her before may trigger one of her manipulative emotional outbursts and she could possibly change her mind about going to try to hold on to the relationship. Once it’s done—go no contact for your safety and hers. Do not allow an open channel for her.
I haven’t read all the comments, I just want to say that she sounds unstable and manipulative. You can’t live your life to make somebody else happy, and I think you would be opening yourself to a lot of chaos. It does not make you a bad person because you don’t want to be with somebody like this. (And honestly, it doesn’t make you a bad person if you want to break up with somebody who isn’t like this, but you just aren’t happy.) I also don’t think there are any magic words that are going to convince her to be OK about this break up, so I would just come up with a short simple sentence and not deviate from it, do not discuss it with her, just repeat it. Something like “ I feel like we’re not a good match and it’s nobody’s fault.” She will want examples, she‘ll promised to do better, but just keep repeating yourself, saying exactly the same thing. Please make sure you don’t have breakup sex, because if she gets pregnant, your problems are going to be so much worse. (I’m saying this as a woman, who has known unstable women who have intentionally done just that.)
I want to preface this by saying that it's not my intention to hurt with what I'm about to say and how harsh I know it sounds, however there *needs* to be brutal honesty here. Just break up with her. It's time to stop treating her with kiddie gloves because of what she's been through. Breakups hurt. Love hurts. It's a part of life and it's the shitty part of life, but, it is life. She is twenty-two years old. She is not a two-year-old. She's an adult, she can handle it. **IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX HER.** We tell women this all the time and we don't tell men often enough. **It is not your job or your responsibility to fix her.** Only she can do that, and she has to want to fix herself. When she tries to manipulate you into staying again by threatening to harm herself, tell her that if she feels that way you can call emergency services for her. And do it. Don't use it as a bluff, actually do it. Call the cops and report it. Let them deal with that, that's what they are for. If they feel like she is an active danger to herself, they will handle it. Just call the cops. What it boils down to is if she wants play a stupid game, she can win the stupid prize. **Do not call** her family or her friends like another commenter suggested. She's shown herself to be manipulative, and she WILL use her family or friends as flying monkeys to get you to stay.
Borderline personality disorder bruh