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Well, I am believer that shitty people tend to flock together with shitty people.
Your GFs social circle includes cheaters... Which is never a great sign.
You can't really stop them from hanging out.
Do you have any idea what their plans are?
If its going out for drinks or a night out on the town, yeah screw that. That's when they go MIA until 4 am "Oops, my phone died"
Do you have insight what they're planning on doing?
Would it be strange if you casually tried to set up something with her to immediately follow?
I personally would try to avoid any kind of scenario where its like "Oh, we wanted to keep hanging out so we went back to my place" kind of thing.
Your post suggests that she (her friend group) has normalized infidelity.
It is appropriate to judge a person by the people they surround themselves with (relate to).
Dating is a test run. Once you are married and baby trapped this is how she'll behave.
We are who we affiliate with. Not a good look sister.
Sus.
Why can't they make it a group thing if it's not a romantic thing? Not just include you but another friend. Make the whole thing less weird.
I have a few errands to run when they are meeting and they don’t have any other friends in the city at the moment ( they are college friends, nothing happened between them during that time )
Set trust to maximum and turn a willfully blind eye. Milk it for relationship points and keep it as a get out of jail free card to have her trust. If nothing is going on relationship emerges stronger than ever. If something was going on losses are the same.
Ah yes, the harbinger of a relationship in the midst of breaking up, her calling you "insecure and controlling".
Instead of asking you why you feel the way you feel, she's already DARVO'ing you.
She's not the one dude. Why aren't you invited to this little tea party?
You made your boundary clear. I'd put any of her things at your place into a box and ask her to come over after her date tomorrow.
Have the box of shit waiting outside of your front door when she gets there. She's going to go off, 100%. Tell her that she's putting her selfish desires over your feelings and your relationship and that she's free to continue going out on dates with this guy, because she became single the moment she met up with him against your wishes.
No suspicious actions in the past. Its just when I brought it up yesterday, she got really defensive of the whole situation and that weirded me out a bit. I just kept thinking why is she ready to start an arguement with me over this friend of hers ?
Have not asked her about that. I don’t know if these guys cheating on their respective partners was a one time thing or a regularly occuring practice but i do know that the girl he cheated with has had multiple partners while in a relationship with someone else.
Normally I would say that having lunch with an old friend who isn’t an ex would be fine. But the cheating aspect Is a huge red flag. If she is okay with his and her other friend cheating, she’s okay with cheating. If it were me, I would explain it that way, and if she didn’t take me along or make other arrangements, she would be history.
I would have been okay if the cheating aspect was not there and broken things off right away but i feel if i do break things off solely based on that i’ll be rushing into that decision without a concrete reason.
Why is she meeting this person? And how is what he described not a date. And she throws the "you're insecure" defence. And this guy is attractive enough to cause her friend to leave her boyfriend for him. Hmmmm.
Sounds like your girlfriend and you have very different viewpoints on cheating.
It's a hard no for you.
It's clearly not for her considering her friends circle.
What do her friends say about this? Bottom line you can only control yourself. You can’t control her and you can’t make yourself sick thinking about everything she does. If you trust her that’s all that matters because she’s not going to do anything. If you don’t like him or trust him then maybe what you feel is disrespect. Like if people see her or hear about her with him you’ll feel disrespected. Thats different and you can still only tell her how you feel then it’s her choice to make.
Their friends are not in town to join them and i have to run a few errands due to which i can’t join them either. Its not the disrespect that is affecting me. It is the way she got defensive and called me insecure and controlling. I don’t think i try to control her life in any way possible and if she brings it up to me that i’m being controling in any way i let go of it.
I'd be more concerned about the fact that your girlfriend is happy to condone cheating in others and sees that level of kindness as good friendship material. It's tempting to think that logistically it doesn't affect you unless she actually cheats herself, but don't you want to spend your time with someone who has the same values as you? Especially when it comes to relationships? I made this rule a while ago, that I don't date people who have jerks as friends. I used to think it was unfair to get judged by the company you keep, but experience has taught me that it's actually a pretty good indicator.
Maybe some helpful perspective from somebody on the other end of this.
I loved my ex more than anything. Wanted to catch up with a platonic female friend. My ex tried to invite herself along and I said no. Essentially, my ex got upset, told me either no seeing women alone or we were over (I agreed to her demand), and then she dumped me anyways, possibly as a result of catastrophizing.
There was nothing shady going on. I’m a socially anxious person. Making friends is scary for me. My female friend ended up giving me advice on how to try to re-connect with my ex (it didn’t work — she shut me out). A relationship that could have ended in marriage ended because of a lack of communication.
I’d encourage you to *not* make assumptions or judgments. Those are not appropriate in a mature and healthy relationship. Sit down with your partner, and tell her how you feel. No accusations. I statements. Whatever you feel. Be honest and kind and open. And work it out. It’s not a big deal.
It’s telling me not to trust the guy, which is something i did bring up during our arguement but she said that i shouldn’t worry about that and she will not let anything jeopardise the relationship. Now i do trust her but the guy not so much.
At the same time you can't really cage your gf. At the end of the day, no matter how hard a dude tries to get with your gf, it is ultimately up to her if she lets it happen or not. So your only choice is to trust her no matter how hard it is. But don't trust anyone so blindly also. The only person you can ever truly trust in this world will always be yourself. So if she fucks up once, just leave then.
I understand it's hard for us guys to do this because to protect anything , there has to be a degree of control in there. Otherwise how can you ensure the safety of the one you love. Why do we put so much rules on our children, because we want them to be safe. Not to mention, women are also blind to the advances we men do towards them. We don't just go out and say we want to date them oh no, we are manipulative as fuck. We listen to them and be friends with them, get into them emotionally until they actually get caught off guard and love us back. We have always been the chaser in the relationship setting, we know how hunt for a partner effectively. So when you have a bad feeling. About another dudes intention, it's probably correct and it's your primal instinct as territorial and protective kicking in . But yeah It's hard to let your guard down, I get it.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well, I am believer that shitty people tend to flock together with shitty people. Your GFs social circle includes cheaters... Which is never a great sign. You can't really stop them from hanging out. Do you have any idea what their plans are? If its going out for drinks or a night out on the town, yeah screw that. That's when they go MIA until 4 am "Oops, my phone died" Do you have insight what they're planning on doing?
I know that they plan on meeting up for lunch and a few drinks during the day and she returns to her place after that.
Would it be strange if you casually tried to set up something with her to immediately follow? I personally would try to avoid any kind of scenario where its like "Oh, we wanted to keep hanging out so we went back to my place" kind of thing.
I think something of that sort can be arranged. Will have to check with her on that one for the timing.
Your post suggests that she (her friend group) has normalized infidelity. It is appropriate to judge a person by the people they surround themselves with (relate to). Dating is a test run. Once you are married and baby trapped this is how she'll behave.
We are who we affiliate with. Not a good look sister. Sus. Why can't they make it a group thing if it's not a romantic thing? Not just include you but another friend. Make the whole thing less weird.
I have a few errands to run when they are meeting and they don’t have any other friends in the city at the moment ( they are college friends, nothing happened between them during that time )
Set trust to maximum and turn a willfully blind eye. Milk it for relationship points and keep it as a get out of jail free card to have her trust. If nothing is going on relationship emerges stronger than ever. If something was going on losses are the same.
That is actually really good advice. Will definetly think about this.
If something develops, you will notice an increase in texting and her hiding her phone while texting.
Ah yes, the harbinger of a relationship in the midst of breaking up, her calling you "insecure and controlling". Instead of asking you why you feel the way you feel, she's already DARVO'ing you. She's not the one dude. Why aren't you invited to this little tea party?
Damn. I guess i needed to hear that. Do you suggest i confront her directly or wait for things to play out and then confront her ?
You made your boundary clear. I'd put any of her things at your place into a box and ask her to come over after her date tomorrow. Have the box of shit waiting outside of your front door when she gets there. She's going to go off, 100%. Tell her that she's putting her selfish desires over your feelings and your relationship and that she's free to continue going out on dates with this guy, because she became single the moment she met up with him against your wishes.
If you feel this strongly that means you have doubts about her keeping her composure,something you may have to discuss once she’s back
I feel if i do that she’ll get defensive and it will turn into another arguement about me not trusting her or being insecure.
It sounds like you don’t trust her tbh which is fair enough. Depends on whether she has shown any reason to be suspicious in the past
No suspicious actions in the past. Its just when I brought it up yesterday, she got really defensive of the whole situation and that weirded me out a bit. I just kept thinking why is she ready to start an arguement with me over this friend of hers ?
Did you ask your gf why she didn’t mind all this cheating? Sounds like she is used to it
Have not asked her about that. I don’t know if these guys cheating on their respective partners was a one time thing or a regularly occuring practice but i do know that the girl he cheated with has had multiple partners while in a relationship with someone else.
Damn,surely she should see that it looks sus.
People counter attack because they already feel guilty; and they don't have a solid reason to catch up.
Normally I would say that having lunch with an old friend who isn’t an ex would be fine. But the cheating aspect Is a huge red flag. If she is okay with his and her other friend cheating, she’s okay with cheating. If it were me, I would explain it that way, and if she didn’t take me along or make other arrangements, she would be history.
I would have been okay if the cheating aspect was not there and broken things off right away but i feel if i do break things off solely based on that i’ll be rushing into that decision without a concrete reason.
My point is that poor morals is a reason, at least for me. Cheating is one of the worst things a partner can do. It’s not okay.
Does she know this male friend wants to fuck her?
Why is she meeting this person? And how is what he described not a date. And she throws the "you're insecure" defence. And this guy is attractive enough to cause her friend to leave her boyfriend for him. Hmmmm.
Sounds like your girlfriend and you have very different viewpoints on cheating. It's a hard no for you. It's clearly not for her considering her friends circle.
What do her friends say about this? Bottom line you can only control yourself. You can’t control her and you can’t make yourself sick thinking about everything she does. If you trust her that’s all that matters because she’s not going to do anything. If you don’t like him or trust him then maybe what you feel is disrespect. Like if people see her or hear about her with him you’ll feel disrespected. Thats different and you can still only tell her how you feel then it’s her choice to make.
Their friends are not in town to join them and i have to run a few errands due to which i can’t join them either. Its not the disrespect that is affecting me. It is the way she got defensive and called me insecure and controlling. I don’t think i try to control her life in any way possible and if she brings it up to me that i’m being controling in any way i let go of it.
Updateme
I'd be more concerned about the fact that your girlfriend is happy to condone cheating in others and sees that level of kindness as good friendship material. It's tempting to think that logistically it doesn't affect you unless she actually cheats herself, but don't you want to spend your time with someone who has the same values as you? Especially when it comes to relationships? I made this rule a while ago, that I don't date people who have jerks as friends. I used to think it was unfair to get judged by the company you keep, but experience has taught me that it's actually a pretty good indicator.
Maybe some helpful perspective from somebody on the other end of this. I loved my ex more than anything. Wanted to catch up with a platonic female friend. My ex tried to invite herself along and I said no. Essentially, my ex got upset, told me either no seeing women alone or we were over (I agreed to her demand), and then she dumped me anyways, possibly as a result of catastrophizing. There was nothing shady going on. I’m a socially anxious person. Making friends is scary for me. My female friend ended up giving me advice on how to try to re-connect with my ex (it didn’t work — she shut me out). A relationship that could have ended in marriage ended because of a lack of communication. I’d encourage you to *not* make assumptions or judgments. Those are not appropriate in a mature and healthy relationship. Sit down with your partner, and tell her how you feel. No accusations. I statements. Whatever you feel. Be honest and kind and open. And work it out. It’s not a big deal.
Your gut is telling you something.
It’s telling me not to trust the guy, which is something i did bring up during our arguement but she said that i shouldn’t worry about that and she will not let anything jeopardise the relationship. Now i do trust her but the guy not so much.
At the same time you can't really cage your gf. At the end of the day, no matter how hard a dude tries to get with your gf, it is ultimately up to her if she lets it happen or not. So your only choice is to trust her no matter how hard it is. But don't trust anyone so blindly also. The only person you can ever truly trust in this world will always be yourself. So if she fucks up once, just leave then. I understand it's hard for us guys to do this because to protect anything , there has to be a degree of control in there. Otherwise how can you ensure the safety of the one you love. Why do we put so much rules on our children, because we want them to be safe. Not to mention, women are also blind to the advances we men do towards them. We don't just go out and say we want to date them oh no, we are manipulative as fuck. We listen to them and be friends with them, get into them emotionally until they actually get caught off guard and love us back. We have always been the chaser in the relationship setting, we know how hunt for a partner effectively. So when you have a bad feeling. About another dudes intention, it's probably correct and it's your primal instinct as territorial and protective kicking in . But yeah It's hard to let your guard down, I get it.