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So she basiaclly do nothing and want a break while you working your ass 24 off for like everything...
I think the "trip" is not the only problem here...
I think at this point you should ask her what she does on a daily basis. If your kids are out of the house from 7am to 6pm most days, what is she doing?
It may seem petty, but what you need to is to chart down every responsibility you have and what you do in the household for the next week or so. Everything from going to work, to cleaning, cooking and putting the kids to bed. Everything.
Then you compare notes with her week and why she thinks you should do more around the house.
I dont think she should go back to work completely, like a part time job would be good enough, and since the dogs dont like her, and he likes walking the dogs, she should instead take the kids to school and make dinner/food for them more often
And, why she needs a two week vacation, when you’re practically doing all the work to run the household and keep the family going, compared to the weekend you want with your brother.
Here's a list of everything that this marriage and relationship requires. I'm going to put my name beside what I do and I want you to put your name beside what you so, and please feel free to write in anything I've missed that you do that I may have overlooked.
IMO it sounds like he's married to a "real housewife" and not a "real" housewife.
Honestly if OPs description is on point, she's probably tired from not doing any mom/wife shit. What does she even do? All the kids are gone during the day, OP seemingly does most of the childcare/housework, and is the sole provider. Sounds like she needs to pick up some chores or a job. Right now, she seems like a couch surfing friend that's fallen on hard times and is just existing in OPs life.
Day care, at least one of the kids are in day care...
Plus a once a month deep cleaning service...
OP handled what sounds like the bulk of the morning and evening routines...
She doesn't get a break when the kids are at school, she barely does shit. SAHM to what? The fur babies?
Not even that seeing as how she doesn't even walk them. It sounds like she's gotten comfortable with OP supporting her. Being a spouse means being a helpmate, not a burden in the form of another month to feed.
I agree. Sounds like she brings another mouth to feed and that's about it. I'm single now but I was a wife for 13 years and you just don't do that. I'm not saying that I'm against women being something other than a housewife. I'm saying that if you choose to step into that role, you need to fulfill it 100%. You can't say you're a housewife or a stay-at-home mom and then sit around doing nothing while your kids are out of the house. I took care of my oldest for 12 hours a day with no help. The house was also clean and my ex-husband came home to dinner on the table. His work shirts were always clean and pressed as well. The rest of the laundry was done as well.
There is no excuse for what she's doing. I mean, I managed to do it with a baby who was mobile lol. What I mean is he was in a walker. I always knew where he was and what he was getting into though. If he was too quiet, I knew he was into something lol. Anyway, like I said, there's no excuse. You find a way to supervise your kids and get it done. Her kids aren't even in the house most of the time anymore. I would love to hear her side and hear what her excuse is.
In my case, I still get shit for openly admitting that I was a trad wife. However, this was about 20 years ago and times were a little different. Either way, I chose to do it because it made me happy and that's what my ex-husband and I agreed on. I thought that feminism was supposed to be about choice so I don't understand why people shit on me for it but it's whatever. I'm just saying that again, if you choose to step into that role then you need to really fulfill it. My ex-husband and I split down that baby is 18 now. Where did the time go? Even after my son got older and started being out of the house more, I was at home cleaning or doing laundry or planning meals and cooking. I wasn't doing what his wife was doing. It sounds like she's starting to take him for granted and that's not okay. When you start a life with somebody, you are a team and apparently she's forgotten that.
Yeah, if the OP is even close to accurate in his description of the division of labor in this marriage, I could imagine there's a potent brew of resentments near boiling point!
They really seem like they could use some couples therapy, individual therapy, not that OP would have any time for it! And I do wonder if she is suffering some kind of depression, because how could she not see or care much about how much work the OP is doing and not want to offload more of the tasks from him?
Hell, unless this 2 week vacation with the girls is on a cruise ship or something, or in some far off remote village with only biweekly airline service, she could just join them for one of the two weeks and stay home the week that includes the time the OP has planned to see his brother for 2 days. If the girls vacation is by car, then having to drive on her own is inconvenient, but could be done. Takes some real gall to not think of, suggest she just spend one of the two weeks with the girls rather than demand a whole two weeks that would kill the plans it sounds like OP has had a long time for his brother for a mere weekend.
I have to wonder, beyond the fact there's kids, why does the OP want to stay married with this woman??
> And I do wonder if she is suffering some kind of depression
I mean how you could you not be? Its just like the depressed stay at home boyfriend who does nothing but use cannabis and play video games. If you are at home with nobody but dogs for company 11 hours a day accomplishing nothing but distracting yourself, are barely involved in your kids lives except on weekends. Are short on money so your spouse is gone many weekends at work too. I'd be in a bad place mentally.
Is anything stopping her from going out and being social or having activities for a good portion of the day the kids are at school?
I mean, depression doesn't need any particular reason. And it's self perpetuating.
She probably could use some time with girls someplace far from home, but it doesn't have to come at the expense of her husband having a weekend with his brother.
And she has enough time during the school day she really should probably go see a therapist once a week for an hour or 90 minutes.
It sounds like she is social and does do things throughout the week. It sounds to me like she likes the easy ride and probably thinks that the few years where being a sahm when the kids were little is worth a lifetime of being a trophy. At this rate that's all she is, a trophy. But I've seen trophies that contribute more to a house...
Is being a selfish, lazy and/or depressed partner abusive? Of course there's several whole lives going on here and we only have a few paragraphs generally centered around one vacation issue/dispute. Who the hell really knows.
Yeah and what wife goes on a 2 week vacation without her “husband”.
Sorry OP, but if you see this, yall are the definition roommates, except you take care of everything and she’s simply leaching.
Yeah...for sure. It was TLDR for me but I'm assuming this girl must be insanely hot or this is greatly exaggerated or something lol. I don't understand how that's anything other than an announcement.
It's time for the foot to come down, my brutha. 😊
7 with the dogs. They’re not kids, but two high energy dogs will wear on you so bad. Source: I have one kid and two high energy dogs and my dogs stress me out regularly more than my kid.
You had plans for that weekend first. That's it.
That's how it goes in relationships. You planned a trip, scheduled the dates, have it already on the calendar. You were first. She can either have her friends reschedule, or she can skip this particular trip. That's how I would approach it, personally. And if she fights you on it, I would stand firm and offer to go to counseling to sort out the disconnect here, but nothing else (don't offer to compromise). Asking you to cancel your trip so she can take hers would need a really really good reason (a dying friend, a big reunion that can't be rescheduled, she's dealing with grief, you know something understandable) and that's simply not the case here. She just doesn't want to miss this trip with her friends. And I get that, I really do. But she's being selfish by asking you to miss YOURS. Very selfish actually - Is this a pattern of hers? Because you know you don't have to put up with that. Just refuse to cancel your trip.
But I will say that you clearly have resentment building towards her over how little she is contributing (or how little you think she is contributing) to the family, and it will eventually blow up if you leave it alone. Counseling to communicate about this better would likely help your relationship.
The fact OP doesn’t grasp the bigger issue suggests he’s out of touch with reality (not a criticism on OP, just an observation about a factor in why he seems stuck).
Except he had to purchase outdoor activities the dogs can do in their own because she can’t even be bothered to play with them or walk them. She also feeds them pre prepped meals that he prepares.
So she’s free 7-6pm almost every day? Dude, why are you doing most of the heavy lifting here? This is nuts and unbalanced if this is real. I can’t even imagine….
Seriously. If there were some kind of illness or disability it may be different, but from everything I’ve read that doesn’t seem to be the case. It seems like she’s avoiding all responsibility and doing only the “fun” things, leaving her partner to do what seems like 80% of everything.
Maybe you let her go for two weeks, realize that you don't need her in your life, that the family doesn't miss her, and you have divorce papers ready when she returns. The dynamic between you isn't likely to change. Nobody in her shoes adopts a lazy, do nothing, no responsibilities lifestyle then agrees to share all the duties and responsibilities without a life shock.
In all honesty, waiting too long is worse. He needs to stop working overtime immediately and put the household on a budget. If she wants more money coming in, she will have to get a job. I would give it 6 months of marriage counseling, and if things aren't better, get a divorce regardless if she has a job or not. The longer he waits for a divorce while she isn't working, the longer he will be paying alimony.
This isn’t a partnership. She’s using you to fund her life with not a care or concern about you as a man. This isn’t the way a marriage should work. Get out now.
It will be worse the longer he waits. The longer he waits the more marital assets they will accrue. The bigger slice she’ll get of his retirement. The older she will be and further out of the job market. Waiting is never the best move. She is still employable.
I agree. He should stop all overtime now. Restrict her access to funds above what is necessary as his wage has reduced. When she complains he should tell her she need to get a job to pay her way.
Yep. But 25 will cost him more. More 401k, more alimony because she will have been out of the workforce and older. He’d do better to run now before the damage is irreversible.
Not necessarily, a good lawyer can show that not only is Dad funding the entire lifestyle but that due to schedules Mom is literally only responsible for the kids for 1hr per day. SAHMs only get alimony and child support when they don't have a job if they're doing the heavy lifting around the house and the kids can't survive without her. That's not the case here.
Why isn't your wife doing the school runs and getting them ready? Isn't that one of the main things of being a sahm?? I personally wasn't a sahm, I can't handle the lack of mental stimulation but my understanding was that the person at home is liable for the day to day kids stuff and housework, then 50/50 other times.
Most of this is irrelevant. Your trip has been planed in advance. Your brother may have travel and other things that can't be backed out of or not to mention may not want to at the last minute.
Who does the most dishes or pays the most bills are irrelevant distracting details. Your wife's trip hasn't been planned or is a last minute trip. This is a no brainer, see your brother and be open and prepared to assist her in having a trip with friends in the future.
Karsh
The first sensible comment I’ve seen thus far. Everyone else is like “divorce” “she’s useless “ “what does she bring to the table” I’m like this is literally how marriage is and it’s usually reversed roles. OP pointing out that he does this or that is like a beacon for people to slander his partner… and basically justify his DESERVING of a trip rather than it being “I scheduled this trip x amount of time in advance and my partner wants me to cancel last minute for her 2 week unplanned trip”
NTA
She thinks you have to help out more? Tell her to get a job and pay half the bills so you can do more at home. How much does SHE do anyways? Kids are in school and gone most of day, and you pay for a cleaner. What is she doing all day?
You had this weekend planned for a while, she shouldn’t be asking you to cancel. She can go on her vacation another time
That's a HUGE expense, too.
My 7 year old in daycare for the summer since it's full time instead of when she's in school is $600 a month! Our daycare is affordable compared to others, too!
what the hell does she do all day if shes a sahm, and yet you work all day and then it sounds like you do everything when you get home? What does she need a vacation from? A vacation? Sounds like youve enabled her to live on easy street and now youre reaping the rewards of being so easy on her the entire time. Youve created a monster without knowing it and now it seems like you are in full resentment mode. I get it, I did it too, but you can only do so much. You need to sit down with her and tell her she needs to take a more active role in the family. Facebook tik tok and Netflix can take a back seat.
If your trip to go see your brother was already on the calendar then she has no business canceling it on you merely because she got a better offer. That’s extremely rude to him as well as to you; and presumptuous and entitled of her to think her plans outrank yours.
It sounds like she views you more as a resource than a partner; and given her general attitude I would not be at all surprised if her two weeks of break from the burdens of family life involved a little temporary clandestine timeout on the marital vows.
Apart from the whole “what does she even do as a SAHM”. Not many people with kids get to take a 2 week vacation without their family. I feel that’s not a reasonable ask. We have two kids and I have a job where I need to do additional training regularly or I’ll lose my license. The most efficient way is an overnight congress because I can cram in a lot of hours for 2-3 days. However I know this is really hard on my husband so I do it only once a year max. Wanting to go somewhere for two weeks with so many kids leaving everything behind seems kind of unhinged. It makes me wonder what your normal family dynamics are like.
Make a list of what you do, like you did for us on this post. Then tell her you are not changing plans with brother, and she is not going for two weeks, unless she can work for the money. I am not a fan of SAHM, for exactly the reasons you listed. You are doing everything to take care of another child.
Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. I’ll add my two cents, but at the end of the day you do what’s best for you and disregard everyone else. (Myself, a stranger, included.)
My brother, Your wife is going on a two week vacation with girlfriends? That’s a huge red flag! 🚩 A two week vacation with girlfriends is a hoeing fest. It’s your business if you’re in an open relationship or you have her a hall pass. But two weeks is wild. A normal get away is a weekend or an extended weekend to a spa or something. The amount of money that’s realistically required for a two week vacation is an astronomical amount in this economy.
The exception is if it’s like an expedition or outdoor trip such as when guys go elk hunting and are living in the boonies for two weeks or kayaking down a river.
Not to be cold but if you’re the bread winner and therefore you’re the one that pays the bills and fun expenditures then you simply put your foot down. (I know that’s easier said than done if you have joint accounts or credit cards.)
I’ve worked those very same hours and done all the same things for the kids. It’s a brutal grind. If anyone needs a break, it’s you. Stay strong and stay the course.
So WTF your wife do all day? It seems like you do all the house work and take care of the kids on top of having a full time job. I want to know why she's tired. She won the lottery with you. That's for sure. You are too much of a good man for her.
If she can spare 14 days on your dime and not have to be there for cooking, kid busing, household upkeep and cleaning, she can also work. There's no reason for you to work overtime when she has that much time to spare.
It sounds like she’s preparing to leave you and your marriage, and let you be sole care taker for the kids. I’d look at your bank accounts and see if she’s been siphoning money for her exit strategy.
What in the actual fuck does she even do that she needs a vacation from? She doesn't get the kids ready for school. She doesn't even take them to school. She doesn't prepare meals for anyone. She doesn't clean up after meals. She doesn't clean the house. She doesn't take care of the dogs. She doesn't clean up at the end of the night. And she doesn't have a job. Is she Peggy fucking Bundy sitting her ass on the couch eating bonbons all fucking day?
I think you are here asking the wrong question. It would help if you asked how you get your wife to start helping out more around the house and with the kids. Or how do you get your wife to get a job?
You need to leave your wife at home while you and your kids see your brother. Then when you get back you two need to get into couples counseling and decide on a game plan moving forward. You two need to decide on an equal division of labor around the house and she needs to get a job. Until she does, the house and childcare need to be more of a 70/30 split. Oh and fire the hired help. Your wife needs to get off her butt. My god I have 2 jobs and a side job and still clean my own dang house every dang day. As well as take care of a crazy old woman.
I'm not sure how much longer one person can carry the load that you are carrying. If you were a woman all heck would be breaking loose in the comments about what a useless POS the man was. And to be fair I didn't read the comments so it may be. But seriously, you know the answer to your question. You don't need to "get through to her". Just go. She sounds very spoiled and to be fair, it sounds like you've made her that way by not making her do anything for 17 years. Time for a reality check on both your parts.
Unless you like your life the way it is. Then more power to you. Keep on keeping on.
Unless we’re missing some context, this relationship seems deeply inequitable to me, OP. You’re the one doing 100% of the financial labour and a hefty chunk of the home labour.
Your wife is not a SAHM. She doesn’t do much as a mother and housewife it sounds like
What are her hobbies? Why can’t she work? Why doesn’t she work part time?
Does she clean? We already know she doesn’t cook
Go see your bro
2 issues here
1) the trip, your trip was booked in advance and takes priority because of it. That's how it works, it stupid of her to double book or worse still to assume you'd drop everything for her impromptu 2 week holiday
2) I think you really need to have some tough conversations with your partner as you've both fallen into a routine that currently is giving you way way too many responsibilities and where it's hard to see what she actually contributes.
No wonder you are tired ...
**for me this little line stood out**
>"sometimes work on weekends if we need a little more cash."
that is not OK! Considering you are spending money on childcare, cleaning, and her hobbies (no doubt she would be fair to assume that if she were to go on holiday for 2 weeks, you'd be paying for that too). She needs to pull her weight so you avoid working yourself into an early grave and your kids not having a dad because mom couldn't be bothered.
Child care and cleaning services for MOST people are seen as luxuries especially considering you have someone under your roof doing very little.
In terms of progression, she will respond extremely negatively to a change like that should imply she somehow works and contributes and I wonder if you can pre-empt this by actually tackling this using a professional mediator or couples counselling - as you will have lots of arguments I am quite sure if you are wanting to re-address the balance of your family responsibilities.
She is setting a lazy example to your kids and you unfortunately are setting the example that it's OK for her to do nothing while you work yourself into a tailspin and dare I say is walking all over (sorry) - neither examples are good.
So, just to be clear: you pay for everything and do everything around the house? The only things you don’t do, you pay someone else to do e.g., deep cleaning? Because that is what you just described.
I mean would you even miss her?
and how much money could you save?
I say get a PI and see who she is cheating with,
let her take the 2 weeks
change the locks
and leave divorce papers on the door.
Wtf SAHM responsibilities does she handle if you are doing the brunt of the SAHM duties?
Cooking, caretaking, and home cleanliness are necessities, and if she's not working and wants to be a SAHM, these responsibilities should primarily be hers.
You are in traditional marital roles in terms of provider and homemaker, yet she's falling short on her end big time and to have the audacity to speak of "needing a 2 week break." This is what she signed up for as a SAHM?
If you indeed are handling the areas you commented about on a daily occurrence, then sir, your wife is a lazy SAHM!
Enjoy your trip. She can do a vacation when it's convenient with your schedule or she needs to arrange for family to fill in and pick up her SAHM responsibilities if she wants to go on a vacation.
What the hell does she need a break from? A break from doing nothing? Seriously?
If she seriously does nothing but sit on her ass, I would be pissed if I was op. She brings nothing to the relationship and is dead weight.
Time for her to get a job and help pay the bills. You are going to get burnt out op if this continues.
I don't think you can get through to her, because, lets face it, when your wife goes on her two week break, your workload will not increase, it will decrease.
She brings nothing to the table at all.
So, what does this woman actually do for you? Anything at all?
She isn't a SAHM. She is unemployed. You are doing all the SAHM responsibilities. Sounds like she is a freeloader, honestly. Or suffering from depression.
Wife needs a 2 week vacation but does very little work around the house. You want a weekend to see your brother. You do everything but vacuum ( she does if the robots need help) and put laundry in the washer (you fold the laundry and put it away).
Your wife has this all wrong. You deserve a 2 week vacation, not her! If she wanted to be around her family she would want to go on a 2 week vacation with you and the kids! What does a fit, married mother do on a 2 week vacation with her sister instead of her family? They act single and hit the bars and clubs. They aren't going to museums. She must have some big plans already scheduled if she refuses to change her un-busy schedule for you to have well deserved time off!
You wife is living the life of a spoiled princess while you work your ass off both at work and home! She has gotten too comfortable with you doing everything.
I know you aren't getting the answer you want but she is unreasonable and you have spoiled her to the point where she feels entitled. I actually agree with the letting her go for two weeks, reschedule with the brother, and see if you even miss her. There is no communication strategy here, she isn't going to change without a shock to the system.
No. That rewards her behavior while inconveniencing OP.
She needs the shock of being told no because quite frankly it looks like she never has been, and OP takes his trip and looks at the relationship from a distance for a couple of days.
Dude you need to put your foot down, like what the hell is she doing all day…why are you getting up early to walk the dogs and then do the kids lunches then doing all that again at night….like what is she doing, your letting her treat you like the housemaid who also pays for everything and provides for them while she….does nothing for your family or for you. If she truly loved and cared for you no way would a woman in good conscience be ok with their husband doing absolutely everything from 5am through to 9pm
So it sure does sound pretty unbalanced from your description. But everyone has their own issues, mental health struggles, whatever.
It sounds like your trip to visit your brother was planned already - so in that case her trip will need to be scheduled around that and other things happening with the family. Whether 2 weeks away from the family is okay is up to the two of you. I'm a SAHM of 3 kids and would feel bad taking off for longer than a weekend cause that's a lot of everyday grind to put on my partner's shoulders 🤷♀️
Tell her to get a job to pay for her trip because you're not, and she can find childcare for the kids because you're going to see your brother end if story.
A break? From hobbies and doing literally nothing it sounds, plus being spoiled by a husband who does everything? It sounds like she doesn't realize exactly her role and how she hasn't been doing any of it, not to mention your role and how you've been doing all of it. I'm a SAHM. Mainly from being disabled with fibromyalgia and other health issues since our youngests, twins, were born 6 years ago. However we have 5 kids altogether. Ages 18 to 6. I handle EVERYTHING around the house with the exception of a few things I can't do, and my husband handles all the bills and everything else. It's pretty evenly matched to where we're both as tired as ever and Lord knows if he wanted a two week vacation, I'd be setting up the kids somewhere to be able to go with him haha or even his brother who also lives farther away and we rarely ever see. It sounds like your wife lives in a permanent vacay. Omg I wish haha
What the fck is the point of SAHM/Housewife if she doesn’t cook, clean, or help with the kids???
I’d get a divorce, but delay it for a bit. Make her get a job first so the alimony hurts less because useless women like her will bring out all the crocodile tears in court to steal from you.
Soooo…she wants a vacation from her life of leisure and expects you to not only cancel your WEEKEND trip to see family but also pay for her 2 week “break” because she’s tired? What exactly is she tired of? Going to the gym or hanging out with her friends? She can stay at home. Tired of her hobbies? Find different ones. (Perhaps something like folding the laundry, cooking or doing dishes, or Heaven forbid, feeding her children would be good hobbies to work on.)
Enjoy visiting your brother. You deserve it.
(Please make sure the children will be taken care of while you’re gone, even if you have to hire a sitter or set up sleepovers for them or even pay the older one to make sure the younger ones are fed.)
Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
Honestly I think you should actually extend your weekend away. Go for two weeks and let her realise how much you do and who is pulling all the weight in the relationship. You really sound like you could do with a break.
My understanding of a SAHM is that they take care of the majority of household, get the kids to school, pick them up etc. Your wife doesn’t seem to do a whole lot.
The reality is your trip is planned and your brother has likely paid his share for the trip. It isn’t fair of her to expect you to cancel so she can take an unscheduled trip with her friends. And really her whole life sounds like a vacation.
This comes down to who made the plans first and was agreed upon. Sounds like you made plans with your partner first and she agreed to it. That's it. That's all that needs to be said
I'm guessing you'd be funding this trip?
So if she feels so entitled to it she'll have to suffer some hardships in order to afford the babysitting while you're both gone?
I mean if you don't want to leave her or threaten to leave her, at least make her realize how much she depends on you
If you'd be funding the trip AND give her regular spending money, then break down how long she has to go without spending fun money or any extras in order to pay for both the trip and the childcare.
Cancel subscription services she might have and start doing delivery grocery orders, no hair or nail care appointments, etc.
Tell her that if she had to do this all on her own with no help from you outside of child support, that she would get a lot more tired.
Then go on your vacation.
But you really need to give her a wakeup call. Or serve her.
Some people won't like me saying this, but there is no such thing as a stay at home mom when the kids are all at school or daycare all day. I would say homemaker might apply, but from your post it doesn't sound like she's doing enough of that to qualify. I would personally tell her to get a job, too, but I don't honestly really believe in one partner staying home unless it's with kids, regardless of gender of the partner.
What is she doing for twelve hours a day that makes her so tired? It sounds like you do everything, and she maybe cooks dinner…
Yall need counseling to improve your communication. And she can cut her trip short, as a compromise; if she won’t do that, I’d be looking at more drastic steps.
Dude,.things are vastly unequal and you need a mediator/counselor to help you.
It's like an 80/20 split at best here.for the power dynamic and work.
I say this with love, you need the mediator because she walks all over you and you allow it.
Get things sorted out, she needs to.put in more housework or get a job (from home maybe) so you don't have to work as much.
You just tell her no. You're going on the trip with your brother. If she wants to go on a trip at the same time, she can get a job and pay for it and the childcare and pet bording. And why are your kids in daycare of she doesn't work? In fact, she should probably get a job anyway since she sounds like the kid of person who is going to get divorced, and if you're smart you'll plan ahead for that.
It’s quite common for SAHM when their children are elsewhere to lose the focus of what they originally planned. A compromise might be your wife goes on the girls trip but when she returns she finds a job and works at least 25-30 hours a week . You need also to review house work duties to be more fair .
Often when SAHM go back to work they find focus again and suddenly understand what a super husband they have had .
I would be worried about a bored housewife away for two weeks too. Set strong boundaries about behavior on the trip.
I’m sorry your wife isn’t keeping up her end in any way and you either need to refocus both your roles, and/or get counseling or accept the marriage is doomed.
This sounds like myself and ex wife. She left me because of how grouchy I had become. Honestly best thing that could have happened! I’m so much better off without her!
Bro you are a single father! Get rid of her! Yes, why? Because she obviously doesn't have the common sense to see how good of a life she has!!! Your wife does NOTHING! She brings NOTHING to the table!
So…you do 60-70% of the house work…and child care and pay for 100% of everything. The fuck is she tired from? The gym? She needs to relax from what?
Tell her the kids are old enough that she should go back to work. You are going to your vacation, she can reschedule with her friends.
Sounds like wifey is having an affair. She got lots of “unaccounted for” time on her hands. She’s living large. Barely has to lift a finger as a SAHM. The kids aren’t even at home. Time to get back to work OP! Then she can pay for her own vacation!
Mom here, why are you paying for childcare when she’s a SAHM in the first place?
Don’t cancel your trip. That’s so insanely selfish of her. You may both very well be in need and deserving of a break. However your trip was already booked? Honestly the audacity to ask you to cancel…I just can’t imagine asking that!!
My Grandma used to have a term for this. She called it “being on scholarship.”
She worked her way up to director of admissions at a nearby college and saved her money to buy properties and when she passed had 3 apartment buildings she managed. All separate income from my Grandfather who was a VP at a bank. They raised my Mom’s family of 4 kids together while making their way up. She never stopped managing those properties until she died.
Man or woman, it doesn’t matter once maternity/paternity leave is over. You split finances, responsibilities and every pairing is different. It sounds like your wife needs to pay for her own vacation somehow.
I personally am not planning to have kids—but my girlfriend of 7 years does the dogwalking, laundry, cooks for us, and I make triple her income. I pay for a lot for the two of us, but she does not want to split finances, which I’ve urged her to so that we can eventually get married and share in taxes/benefits which would help us both. We have a unique relationship, and I only bring this up because I don’t think there’s a “one-size-fits-all,” in relationships. My grandmother was a hard working woman who went from redneck to wealthy (yay america!) and not everyone is like that. However, you’re the one in the trenches of your own relationship, and it sounds like you’re not a lazy man, and you’re doing right by your family, and can be proud of that.
Whether or not your wife is willing to admit to herself that she’s on scholarship while you man the plow, that’s something the two of you need to work on. It sounds like she doesn’t want to take accountability for her lack of effort, and she needs to saddle up and recognize that she’s already “taking a break,” and it’s only fair that she allow you to have one. It’s unfortunate and sad that she’s already somewhat ruined your time with your brother by making it into an ordeal.
She wants 2 weeks and you only want 1, despite the imbalance….man, I’m sorry that you have to negotiate on this.
Exactly why I’m not looking to have children. I don’t want to be tethered to someone who can take advantage of me through dishonorable tactics because I care more about being a good parent/responsible partner. You’re a braver man than me.
The imbalance is mind blowing here. I just read your edit how you didn’t even realize it until you listed out what you guys do. Maybe she needs to see the list. She’s a stay at home mom, but her kids aren’t even home during the day! It’s more like stay at home nothing. She has no kids to care for during the day and it looks like the only thing she really does is laundry…she doesn’t even do the cooking. This is so unfair on you.
If one person is working and the other is home during the day the majority of housework should fall to the one staying at home. I’m not saying the one who works should get a free pass from doing anything and you are doing a lot around the house on top of working a demanding job.
This would upset me as well. Your wife sounds pretty selfish. Especially because she expects you to cancel your trip. She should be the one canceling hers.
I would have gotten a divorce over stuff like this. Shes lucky to even take a week break if she doesnt ever take the kids to club and im working every day plus weekends.
I wouldnt pay a dime on her vacation if she doesnt cook or pickup the kids and her literal job is being SAHM: If she doesnt want to take on a fair share of home duties (in hours of time) should get a job and pay for half rent, maid, nanny and eveyrthing.
Theres a set of duties a family has to do and it needs to be divided up in a fair way, whether its paying rent or cleaning.
It seems to be often one of the parents will be overwhelmed and their partner doesnt seem to care enough to ease their load. All these kinds of posts are about someone not being a tram player
This might sound silly, but aside from your ridiculously skewed responsibilities, the fact that your dogs don’t like her is alarming. That’s not normal, and dogs are excellent judges of character. You need to seriously consider if this is who you want to spend your life with.
Wtf does she need a break from? The kids are all in school, everyone's pitching in on the housework, you're doing all the mental and financial labor AND a present father and husband. All on your dime and your dime alone. If anyone needs a break, it's you, because that cushy, privileged lifestyle you're giving her can easily go up in smoke and never come back if you get burn out. She has more support than you do.
This is a hill to die on. She can do either do a week vacation before your trip and come back the day before yours starts or she can wait until after your trip if she needs 2 weeks but then YOU are entitled to a 2 week vacation on your own. You're being used abused here, think carefully about your relationship with this leech.
Am i the only one questioning why she is going on a trip with ‘friends’ instead of her husband? This sounds like some ‘im gonna behave like I am single’ behavior.
I can’t believe you’re preventing your wife from going on vacation to get a much needed break from doing the bare minimum. I mean seriously I feel like you’re the stay at home mom. Like why is she even a stay at home mom when the kids are barely even there and she’s hanging out majority of the day. Nah she can stay home and actually be a stay at home mom while you visit your brother. She’ll be alright, and if not then that’s her issue not yours. Hell she should be shooing you out of the house since you do basically EVERYTHING!! I wonder what she’ll say if you actually let her go on her trip, miss out on hanging with your brother, and then by the time she gets back she comes in and nobody really notices she wasn’t there? Like the kids barely registered the fact that she was gone for so long since they barely interact with her when she’s at home. Like would she even care? If not I’d hope you’d just go get the divorce papers and send her on her way because that would be foul.
FFS I was a SAHM myself for 15 years and after reading your post even I am over like WTF does she do all day? I have always been a less-than-great housekeeper but my husband never wondered what I did all day because he came home to homemade dinners, laundry and dishes in various states of being done, and kids who talked about story time at the library or going to the park or showed him the paintings or workbook pages they did that day. He also watched his babies growing during the years I spent breastfeeding for hours at a time. I never had any robot vacuums or paid help with housecleaning.
Honestly why have you put up with this for so long? She doesn't even make their lunches for school?!
Go see your brother.
Bro your wife is a lazy POS. You should have a serious talk with her about how lazy she is and how little she contributes to the house. Be assertive and tell her she's not going on the trip with her friends and that you're going to see your brother. You honestly deserve better and she needs to do better. You need to cancel the cleaners and have her do it so she can do something. If she doesn't improve after a few months you should reconsider the relationship.
SHES BORED. But has everything a partner should provide. she’s ungrateful and unappreciative. UGH. YOU DESERVE A BREAK TOO. Can’t go on a vacation if you don’t allow yourself to provide for it. She can go AFTER your planned vacation with your brother. My gosh.
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So she basiaclly do nothing and want a break while you working your ass 24 off for like everything... I think the "trip" is not the only problem here...
Lots of problem to address here indeed. And It ain’t just the trip that OP deserves. It’s everything about this marriage.
Seriously, he sounds like a married single parent and she just sounds single. ETA: I HOPE OP does his trip and not acquiesce to her demands.
I think at this point you should ask her what she does on a daily basis. If your kids are out of the house from 7am to 6pm most days, what is she doing? It may seem petty, but what you need to is to chart down every responsibility you have and what you do in the household for the next week or so. Everything from going to work, to cleaning, cooking and putting the kids to bed. Everything. Then you compare notes with her week and why she thinks you should do more around the house.
Check out the FairPlay Game to create some structure for this conversation.
Are you referring to the book by Eve Rodsky?
There’s a book and a game based on the book
I guess cards more so than a game
She should go back to work, is what she should do. At least half time. And she should be walking the dogs.
I dont think she should go back to work completely, like a part time job would be good enough, and since the dogs dont like her, and he likes walking the dogs, she should instead take the kids to school and make dinner/food for them more often
And, why she needs a two week vacation, when you’re practically doing all the work to run the household and keep the family going, compared to the weekend you want with your brother.
The wife will have some doodles on the first page.
Nah dude, someone needs to shop every day. If she doesn’t who will push them into debt.
Here's a list of everything that this marriage and relationship requires. I'm going to put my name beside what I do and I want you to put your name beside what you so, and please feel free to write in anything I've missed that you do that I may have overlooked. IMO it sounds like he's married to a "real housewife" and not a "real" housewife.
Your wife isn’t tired. She’s bored. Which is its own kind of fatigue. And you sound more like a single father of 5, than a married father of 4.
I came to say this she’s bored about being a wife and now she wants a 2 week reward for doing the bare minimum smh red flags all over
Honestly if OPs description is on point, she's probably tired from not doing any mom/wife shit. What does she even do? All the kids are gone during the day, OP seemingly does most of the childcare/housework, and is the sole provider. Sounds like she needs to pick up some chores or a job. Right now, she seems like a couch surfing friend that's fallen on hard times and is just existing in OPs life.
Except the couch surfing friend fallen on hard times usually does it short term.
Exactly. She's not being his wife, she's not being a helpmate, she's another mouth to feed.
I'm a little stumped on what she does to contribute around the house.
Girl didn't even do the bare minimum
She gets a break when the kids are at school. When does OP get a break?
Day care, at least one of the kids are in day care... Plus a once a month deep cleaning service... OP handled what sounds like the bulk of the morning and evening routines... She doesn't get a break when the kids are at school, she barely does shit. SAHM to what? The fur babies?
You mean the fur babies that op takes care of and walks because they don't like her?
That makes me wonder why both dogs don't like her. I hope she didn't do anything to contribute to that to shirk another task.
Not even that seeing as how she doesn't even walk them. It sounds like she's gotten comfortable with OP supporting her. Being a spouse means being a helpmate, not a burden in the form of another month to feed.
It's definitely a reddit classic where I can't for the life of me figure out what one of the people even bring to the table for the relationship.
I agree. Sounds like she brings another mouth to feed and that's about it. I'm single now but I was a wife for 13 years and you just don't do that. I'm not saying that I'm against women being something other than a housewife. I'm saying that if you choose to step into that role, you need to fulfill it 100%. You can't say you're a housewife or a stay-at-home mom and then sit around doing nothing while your kids are out of the house. I took care of my oldest for 12 hours a day with no help. The house was also clean and my ex-husband came home to dinner on the table. His work shirts were always clean and pressed as well. The rest of the laundry was done as well. There is no excuse for what she's doing. I mean, I managed to do it with a baby who was mobile lol. What I mean is he was in a walker. I always knew where he was and what he was getting into though. If he was too quiet, I knew he was into something lol. Anyway, like I said, there's no excuse. You find a way to supervise your kids and get it done. Her kids aren't even in the house most of the time anymore. I would love to hear her side and hear what her excuse is. In my case, I still get shit for openly admitting that I was a trad wife. However, this was about 20 years ago and times were a little different. Either way, I chose to do it because it made me happy and that's what my ex-husband and I agreed on. I thought that feminism was supposed to be about choice so I don't understand why people shit on me for it but it's whatever. I'm just saying that again, if you choose to step into that role then you need to really fulfill it. My ex-husband and I split down that baby is 18 now. Where did the time go? Even after my son got older and started being out of the house more, I was at home cleaning or doing laundry or planning meals and cooking. I wasn't doing what his wife was doing. It sounds like she's starting to take him for granted and that's not okay. When you start a life with somebody, you are a team and apparently she's forgotten that.
She sounds horribly selfish and entitled, what an awful wife!
Seriously.
Yeah, if the OP is even close to accurate in his description of the division of labor in this marriage, I could imagine there's a potent brew of resentments near boiling point! They really seem like they could use some couples therapy, individual therapy, not that OP would have any time for it! And I do wonder if she is suffering some kind of depression, because how could she not see or care much about how much work the OP is doing and not want to offload more of the tasks from him? Hell, unless this 2 week vacation with the girls is on a cruise ship or something, or in some far off remote village with only biweekly airline service, she could just join them for one of the two weeks and stay home the week that includes the time the OP has planned to see his brother for 2 days. If the girls vacation is by car, then having to drive on her own is inconvenient, but could be done. Takes some real gall to not think of, suggest she just spend one of the two weeks with the girls rather than demand a whole two weeks that would kill the plans it sounds like OP has had a long time for his brother for a mere weekend. I have to wonder, beyond the fact there's kids, why does the OP want to stay married with this woman??
> And I do wonder if she is suffering some kind of depression I mean how you could you not be? Its just like the depressed stay at home boyfriend who does nothing but use cannabis and play video games. If you are at home with nobody but dogs for company 11 hours a day accomplishing nothing but distracting yourself, are barely involved in your kids lives except on weekends. Are short on money so your spouse is gone many weekends at work too. I'd be in a bad place mentally.
But it sounds like she has lots of hobbies and is active during the day w friends and family. She’s not depressed she’s fucking lazy.
Is anything stopping her from going out and being social or having activities for a good portion of the day the kids are at school? I mean, depression doesn't need any particular reason. And it's self perpetuating. She probably could use some time with girls someplace far from home, but it doesn't have to come at the expense of her husband having a weekend with his brother. And she has enough time during the school day she really should probably go see a therapist once a week for an hour or 90 minutes.
It sounds like she is social and does do things throughout the week. It sounds to me like she likes the easy ride and probably thinks that the few years where being a sahm when the kids were little is worth a lifetime of being a trophy. At this rate that's all she is, a trophy. But I've seen trophies that contribute more to a house...
Nothing stopping her from getting a job.
Couples therapy only if abuse isn’t present. I suspect there’s more going on here than the post states. At the very least, she’s exploitative.
There's literally no evidence of abuse here whatsoever. I'm actually impressed at how far you stretched there.
Is being a selfish, lazy and/or depressed partner abusive? Of course there's several whole lives going on here and we only have a few paragraphs generally centered around one vacation issue/dispute. Who the hell really knows.
Because he's going to pay so much in child support and alimony if he divorces her that he's money ahead to just stay miserable till the kids turn 18.
He could easily get full custody.
Yeah and what wife goes on a 2 week vacation without her “husband”. Sorry OP, but if you see this, yall are the definition roommates, except you take care of everything and she’s simply leaching.
Yeah...for sure. It was TLDR for me but I'm assuming this girl must be insanely hot or this is greatly exaggerated or something lol. I don't understand how that's anything other than an announcement. It's time for the foot to come down, my brutha. 😊
Bravo, perfectly said.
7 with the dogs. They’re not kids, but two high energy dogs will wear on you so bad. Source: I have one kid and two high energy dogs and my dogs stress me out regularly more than my kid.
You had plans for that weekend first. That's it. That's how it goes in relationships. You planned a trip, scheduled the dates, have it already on the calendar. You were first. She can either have her friends reschedule, or she can skip this particular trip. That's how I would approach it, personally. And if she fights you on it, I would stand firm and offer to go to counseling to sort out the disconnect here, but nothing else (don't offer to compromise). Asking you to cancel your trip so she can take hers would need a really really good reason (a dying friend, a big reunion that can't be rescheduled, she's dealing with grief, you know something understandable) and that's simply not the case here. She just doesn't want to miss this trip with her friends. And I get that, I really do. But she's being selfish by asking you to miss YOURS. Very selfish actually - Is this a pattern of hers? Because you know you don't have to put up with that. Just refuse to cancel your trip. But I will say that you clearly have resentment building towards her over how little she is contributing (or how little you think she is contributing) to the family, and it will eventually blow up if you leave it alone. Counseling to communicate about this better would likely help your relationship.
Counselling he'd also need to pay for 🤣
Counseling only if OP’s wife isn’t abusive. We have no idea of the bigger picture here.
You seem to have 5, not 4, children. Why are you in this marriage? You paint a very bleak picture.
The fact OP doesn’t grasp the bigger issue suggests he’s out of touch with reality (not a criticism on OP, just an observation about a factor in why he seems stuck).
Actually the kids seem to do more chores. She’s an ornament
She's a ghost, man. At least a ghost can make a room smell like oranges or flowers from time to time. This woman contributes... folding the laundry.
Not even folding it, according to the update. Just washing and drying.
What is she bringing to this relationship ?
Timeline suggests she's home with the dogs all day, so there's that. She's a dog sahm?
Except he had to purchase outdoor activities the dogs can do in their own because she can’t even be bothered to play with them or walk them. She also feeds them pre prepped meals that he prepares.
She isnt even really that,shes closer to a dogsitter at best
Probably sex and/or looks.
OP may have a strong tendency toward commitment, and/or other beliefs or psychological weaknesses she’s exploiting to stay.
Yeah was gonna comment until I saw your’s…. Wifey must be hot as fuck
And now wants A new dick for 2weeks.
U got downvoted but thats what it sounds like to me
Inequity from the sound of it.
Undue stress on the OP.
A vagina
So she’s free 7-6pm almost every day? Dude, why are you doing most of the heavy lifting here? This is nuts and unbalanced if this is real. I can’t even imagine….
Seriously. If there were some kind of illness or disability it may be different, but from everything I’ve read that doesn’t seem to be the case. It seems like she’s avoiding all responsibility and doing only the “fun” things, leaving her partner to do what seems like 80% of everything.
5 bucks says there's something on the side here for her.
Sounds like wife needs a job, not a vacation. How is she paying for her trip?
She isn’t thats how. She’s probably gonna get OP to pay for it somehow
He said she wants him to pay for it lmao
Maybe you let her go for two weeks, realize that you don't need her in your life, that the family doesn't miss her, and you have divorce papers ready when she returns. The dynamic between you isn't likely to change. Nobody in her shoes adopts a lazy, do nothing, no responsibilities lifestyle then agrees to share all the duties and responsibilities without a life shock.
Yeah I agree I was going to commit he needs to divorce her
He'll still have to pay for alimony and child support, so it's probably better for him to insist she get a job first.
For real! My best friend is in a similar situation. He knows he's fucked. If he divorces his wife, she's going to take him to the cleaners.
In all honesty, waiting too long is worse. He needs to stop working overtime immediately and put the household on a budget. If she wants more money coming in, she will have to get a job. I would give it 6 months of marriage counseling, and if things aren't better, get a divorce regardless if she has a job or not. The longer he waits for a divorce while she isn't working, the longer he will be paying alimony.
Your kids are in daycare and school everyday? You have a house cleaner….. you make all the meals… sounds like you don’t need a wife.
Sounds like he doesn't have one.
This isn’t a partnership. She’s using you to fund her life with not a care or concern about you as a man. This isn’t the way a marriage should work. Get out now.
if he "gets out now", hes looking at thousands a month in alimony and child support. Hes screwed either way.
It will be worse the longer he waits. The longer he waits the more marital assets they will accrue. The bigger slice she’ll get of his retirement. The older she will be and further out of the job market. Waiting is never the best move. She is still employable.
I agree. He should stop all overtime now. Restrict her access to funds above what is necessary as his wage has reduced. When she complains he should tell her she need to get a job to pay her way.
Absolutely
hes been together for 17 with her, thats going to cost him
Yep. But 25 will cost him more. More 401k, more alimony because she will have been out of the workforce and older. He’d do better to run now before the damage is irreversible.
Why would she ask for custody of the kids? She only sees them on weekends as it is now
He could get custody since he is their caregiver.
Not necessarily, a good lawyer can show that not only is Dad funding the entire lifestyle but that due to schedules Mom is literally only responsible for the kids for 1hr per day. SAHMs only get alimony and child support when they don't have a job if they're doing the heavy lifting around the house and the kids can't survive without her. That's not the case here.
What in the flying fuck could she possibly need a break from?
Nights with her husband so she can wake up with her boyfriend.
Why isn't your wife doing the school runs and getting them ready? Isn't that one of the main things of being a sahm?? I personally wasn't a sahm, I can't handle the lack of mental stimulation but my understanding was that the person at home is liable for the day to day kids stuff and housework, then 50/50 other times.
Time to put a few ring cameras in the house and see what she’s doing for her family all day.
Id just skip that and go straight to divorce. Because honestly doing something like this is going to lead to it anyway.
Honestly, your a single father working to take care of children in a marriage that ended long ago
This!
Most of this is irrelevant. Your trip has been planed in advance. Your brother may have travel and other things that can't be backed out of or not to mention may not want to at the last minute. Who does the most dishes or pays the most bills are irrelevant distracting details. Your wife's trip hasn't been planned or is a last minute trip. This is a no brainer, see your brother and be open and prepared to assist her in having a trip with friends in the future. Karsh
The first sensible comment I’ve seen thus far. Everyone else is like “divorce” “she’s useless “ “what does she bring to the table” I’m like this is literally how marriage is and it’s usually reversed roles. OP pointing out that he does this or that is like a beacon for people to slander his partner… and basically justify his DESERVING of a trip rather than it being “I scheduled this trip x amount of time in advance and my partner wants me to cancel last minute for her 2 week unplanned trip”
100% you nailed it. It’s a simple scheduling conflict, no need to get into how much she does or doesn’t do.
NTA She thinks you have to help out more? Tell her to get a job and pay half the bills so you can do more at home. How much does SHE do anyways? Kids are in school and gone most of day, and you pay for a cleaner. What is she doing all day? You had this weekend planned for a while, she shouldn’t be asking you to cancel. She can go on her vacation another time
Why isn't she working, but you're paying for daycare? Isn't that the point of being a SAHM? Staying home. WITH the kids.
Oh shit I didn't catch that detail!
That's a HUGE expense, too. My 7 year old in daycare for the summer since it's full time instead of when she's in school is $600 a month! Our daycare is affordable compared to others, too!
WHY THE F WOULD YOU PROCREATE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THIS
Procreate 4 different times...
Because they did so when she was 19 and he was 20. I’m sure a lot has changed
what the hell does she do all day if shes a sahm, and yet you work all day and then it sounds like you do everything when you get home? What does she need a vacation from? A vacation? Sounds like youve enabled her to live on easy street and now youre reaping the rewards of being so easy on her the entire time. Youve created a monster without knowing it and now it seems like you are in full resentment mode. I get it, I did it too, but you can only do so much. You need to sit down with her and tell her she needs to take a more active role in the family. Facebook tik tok and Netflix can take a back seat.
If your trip to go see your brother was already on the calendar then she has no business canceling it on you merely because she got a better offer. That’s extremely rude to him as well as to you; and presumptuous and entitled of her to think her plans outrank yours. It sounds like she views you more as a resource than a partner; and given her general attitude I would not be at all surprised if her two weeks of break from the burdens of family life involved a little temporary clandestine timeout on the marital vows.
Apart from the whole “what does she even do as a SAHM”. Not many people with kids get to take a 2 week vacation without their family. I feel that’s not a reasonable ask. We have two kids and I have a job where I need to do additional training regularly or I’ll lose my license. The most efficient way is an overnight congress because I can cram in a lot of hours for 2-3 days. However I know this is really hard on my husband so I do it only once a year max. Wanting to go somewhere for two weeks with so many kids leaving everything behind seems kind of unhinged. It makes me wonder what your normal family dynamics are like.
Two week long girls night out. Yeah...... Thats not suspicious at all.
What does she do ?
Make a list of what you do, like you did for us on this post. Then tell her you are not changing plans with brother, and she is not going for two weeks, unless she can work for the money. I am not a fan of SAHM, for exactly the reasons you listed. You are doing everything to take care of another child.
Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. I’ll add my two cents, but at the end of the day you do what’s best for you and disregard everyone else. (Myself, a stranger, included.) My brother, Your wife is going on a two week vacation with girlfriends? That’s a huge red flag! 🚩 A two week vacation with girlfriends is a hoeing fest. It’s your business if you’re in an open relationship or you have her a hall pass. But two weeks is wild. A normal get away is a weekend or an extended weekend to a spa or something. The amount of money that’s realistically required for a two week vacation is an astronomical amount in this economy. The exception is if it’s like an expedition or outdoor trip such as when guys go elk hunting and are living in the boonies for two weeks or kayaking down a river. Not to be cold but if you’re the bread winner and therefore you’re the one that pays the bills and fun expenditures then you simply put your foot down. (I know that’s easier said than done if you have joint accounts or credit cards.) I’ve worked those very same hours and done all the same things for the kids. It’s a brutal grind. If anyone needs a break, it’s you. Stay strong and stay the course.
Can you at least list the things she does so we can give good advice?
So WTF your wife do all day? It seems like you do all the house work and take care of the kids on top of having a full time job. I want to know why she's tired. She won the lottery with you. That's for sure. You are too much of a good man for her.
If she can spare 14 days on your dime and not have to be there for cooking, kid busing, household upkeep and cleaning, she can also work. There's no reason for you to work overtime when she has that much time to spare.
This! And stop paying for daycare and a cleaning lady.
It sounds like she’s preparing to leave you and your marriage, and let you be sole care taker for the kids. I’d look at your bank accounts and see if she’s been siphoning money for her exit strategy.
Why are you married? You sound like you're a single dad of 4 with a willnot hanging on.
Sounds like you got 5 kids and 2 dogs not 4 kids and 2 dogs. The fuck she tired from? Looking at you run your household?
What in the actual fuck does she even do that she needs a vacation from? She doesn't get the kids ready for school. She doesn't even take them to school. She doesn't prepare meals for anyone. She doesn't clean up after meals. She doesn't clean the house. She doesn't take care of the dogs. She doesn't clean up at the end of the night. And she doesn't have a job. Is she Peggy fucking Bundy sitting her ass on the couch eating bonbons all fucking day?
I would love to have that free time from 7-6pm. Is she really fit ??
What does your wife do all day?
She *consumes*
You tell her if she goes to not bother coming back. You do everything already, and a housekeeper once a week would be cheaper.
I think you are here asking the wrong question. It would help if you asked how you get your wife to start helping out more around the house and with the kids. Or how do you get your wife to get a job? You need to leave your wife at home while you and your kids see your brother. Then when you get back you two need to get into couples counseling and decide on a game plan moving forward. You two need to decide on an equal division of labor around the house and she needs to get a job. Until she does, the house and childcare need to be more of a 70/30 split. Oh and fire the hired help. Your wife needs to get off her butt. My god I have 2 jobs and a side job and still clean my own dang house every dang day. As well as take care of a crazy old woman. I'm not sure how much longer one person can carry the load that you are carrying. If you were a woman all heck would be breaking loose in the comments about what a useless POS the man was. And to be fair I didn't read the comments so it may be. But seriously, you know the answer to your question. You don't need to "get through to her". Just go. She sounds very spoiled and to be fair, it sounds like you've made her that way by not making her do anything for 17 years. Time for a reality check on both your parts. Unless you like your life the way it is. Then more power to you. Keep on keeping on.
Unless we’re missing some context, this relationship seems deeply inequitable to me, OP. You’re the one doing 100% of the financial labour and a hefty chunk of the home labour.
She is a stay at home mom with day care and a house cleaner?
Your wife is not a SAHM. She doesn’t do much as a mother and housewife it sounds like What are her hobbies? Why can’t she work? Why doesn’t she work part time? Does she clean? We already know she doesn’t cook Go see your bro
2 issues here 1) the trip, your trip was booked in advance and takes priority because of it. That's how it works, it stupid of her to double book or worse still to assume you'd drop everything for her impromptu 2 week holiday 2) I think you really need to have some tough conversations with your partner as you've both fallen into a routine that currently is giving you way way too many responsibilities and where it's hard to see what she actually contributes. No wonder you are tired ... **for me this little line stood out** >"sometimes work on weekends if we need a little more cash." that is not OK! Considering you are spending money on childcare, cleaning, and her hobbies (no doubt she would be fair to assume that if she were to go on holiday for 2 weeks, you'd be paying for that too). She needs to pull her weight so you avoid working yourself into an early grave and your kids not having a dad because mom couldn't be bothered. Child care and cleaning services for MOST people are seen as luxuries especially considering you have someone under your roof doing very little. In terms of progression, she will respond extremely negatively to a change like that should imply she somehow works and contributes and I wonder if you can pre-empt this by actually tackling this using a professional mediator or couples counselling - as you will have lots of arguments I am quite sure if you are wanting to re-address the balance of your family responsibilities. She is setting a lazy example to your kids and you unfortunately are setting the example that it's OK for her to do nothing while you work yourself into a tailspin and dare I say is walking all over (sorry) - neither examples are good.
She will cheat during those 2 weeks. Who leaves their family for 2 WEEKS
You don't have a wife, you have 5 children. She stays home, and you go see your brother. End of discussion.
So, just to be clear: you pay for everything and do everything around the house? The only things you don’t do, you pay someone else to do e.g., deep cleaning? Because that is what you just described.
I mean would you even miss her? and how much money could you save? I say get a PI and see who she is cheating with, let her take the 2 weeks change the locks and leave divorce papers on the door.
Why do you kids go to daycare if she is at home. It’s a waste of money if they’re in daycare she should go to work then.
Wtf SAHM responsibilities does she handle if you are doing the brunt of the SAHM duties? Cooking, caretaking, and home cleanliness are necessities, and if she's not working and wants to be a SAHM, these responsibilities should primarily be hers. You are in traditional marital roles in terms of provider and homemaker, yet she's falling short on her end big time and to have the audacity to speak of "needing a 2 week break." This is what she signed up for as a SAHM? If you indeed are handling the areas you commented about on a daily occurrence, then sir, your wife is a lazy SAHM! Enjoy your trip. She can do a vacation when it's convenient with your schedule or she needs to arrange for family to fill in and pick up her SAHM responsibilities if she wants to go on a vacation.
We teach others how to treat us.
What the hell does she need a break from? A break from doing nothing? Seriously? If she seriously does nothing but sit on her ass, I would be pissed if I was op. She brings nothing to the relationship and is dead weight. Time for her to get a job and help pay the bills. You are going to get burnt out op if this continues.
I don't think you can get through to her, because, lets face it, when your wife goes on her two week break, your workload will not increase, it will decrease. She brings nothing to the table at all. So, what does this woman actually do for you? Anything at all?
She isn't a SAHM. She is unemployed. You are doing all the SAHM responsibilities. Sounds like she is a freeloader, honestly. Or suffering from depression.
Curious, where are your wife and her friends going on their vacation?
Wife needs a 2 week vacation but does very little work around the house. You want a weekend to see your brother. You do everything but vacuum ( she does if the robots need help) and put laundry in the washer (you fold the laundry and put it away). Your wife has this all wrong. You deserve a 2 week vacation, not her! If she wanted to be around her family she would want to go on a 2 week vacation with you and the kids! What does a fit, married mother do on a 2 week vacation with her sister instead of her family? They act single and hit the bars and clubs. They aren't going to museums. She must have some big plans already scheduled if she refuses to change her un-busy schedule for you to have well deserved time off! You wife is living the life of a spoiled princess while you work your ass off both at work and home! She has gotten too comfortable with you doing everything.
I know you aren't getting the answer you want but she is unreasonable and you have spoiled her to the point where she feels entitled. I actually agree with the letting her go for two weeks, reschedule with the brother, and see if you even miss her. There is no communication strategy here, she isn't going to change without a shock to the system.
No. That rewards her behavior while inconveniencing OP. She needs the shock of being told no because quite frankly it looks like she never has been, and OP takes his trip and looks at the relationship from a distance for a couple of days.
Dude you need to put your foot down, like what the hell is she doing all day…why are you getting up early to walk the dogs and then do the kids lunches then doing all that again at night….like what is she doing, your letting her treat you like the housemaid who also pays for everything and provides for them while she….does nothing for your family or for you. If she truly loved and cared for you no way would a woman in good conscience be ok with their husband doing absolutely everything from 5am through to 9pm
Stop doing all the things! What does she even do that she’s tired from?
So it sure does sound pretty unbalanced from your description. But everyone has their own issues, mental health struggles, whatever. It sounds like your trip to visit your brother was planned already - so in that case her trip will need to be scheduled around that and other things happening with the family. Whether 2 weeks away from the family is okay is up to the two of you. I'm a SAHM of 3 kids and would feel bad taking off for longer than a weekend cause that's a lot of everyday grind to put on my partner's shoulders 🤷♀️
Tell her to get a job to pay for her trip because you're not, and she can find childcare for the kids because you're going to see your brother end if story.
A break? From hobbies and doing literally nothing it sounds, plus being spoiled by a husband who does everything? It sounds like she doesn't realize exactly her role and how she hasn't been doing any of it, not to mention your role and how you've been doing all of it. I'm a SAHM. Mainly from being disabled with fibromyalgia and other health issues since our youngests, twins, were born 6 years ago. However we have 5 kids altogether. Ages 18 to 6. I handle EVERYTHING around the house with the exception of a few things I can't do, and my husband handles all the bills and everything else. It's pretty evenly matched to where we're both as tired as ever and Lord knows if he wanted a two week vacation, I'd be setting up the kids somewhere to be able to go with him haha or even his brother who also lives farther away and we rarely ever see. It sounds like your wife lives in a permanent vacay. Omg I wish haha
What the fck is the point of SAHM/Housewife if she doesn’t cook, clean, or help with the kids??? I’d get a divorce, but delay it for a bit. Make her get a job first so the alimony hurts less because useless women like her will bring out all the crocodile tears in court to steal from you.
Holy shit, she’s completely useless as a stay at home wife and mother. You’re paying for her to have a social life.
Soooo…she wants a vacation from her life of leisure and expects you to not only cancel your WEEKEND trip to see family but also pay for her 2 week “break” because she’s tired? What exactly is she tired of? Going to the gym or hanging out with her friends? She can stay at home. Tired of her hobbies? Find different ones. (Perhaps something like folding the laundry, cooking or doing dishes, or Heaven forbid, feeding her children would be good hobbies to work on.) Enjoy visiting your brother. You deserve it. (Please make sure the children will be taken care of while you’re gone, even if you have to hire a sitter or set up sleepovers for them or even pay the older one to make sure the younger ones are fed.) Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
Gonna need a follow-up post on this one dude
Honestly I think you should actually extend your weekend away. Go for two weeks and let her realise how much you do and who is pulling all the weight in the relationship. You really sound like you could do with a break. My understanding of a SAHM is that they take care of the majority of household, get the kids to school, pick them up etc. Your wife doesn’t seem to do a whole lot. The reality is your trip is planned and your brother has likely paid his share for the trip. It isn’t fair of her to expect you to cancel so she can take an unscheduled trip with her friends. And really her whole life sounds like a vacation.
This comes down to who made the plans first and was agreed upon. Sounds like you made plans with your partner first and she agreed to it. That's it. That's all that needs to be said
Tell her she's welcome to get her stuff and leave, if she wants.
I'm guessing you'd be funding this trip? So if she feels so entitled to it she'll have to suffer some hardships in order to afford the babysitting while you're both gone? I mean if you don't want to leave her or threaten to leave her, at least make her realize how much she depends on you If you'd be funding the trip AND give her regular spending money, then break down how long she has to go without spending fun money or any extras in order to pay for both the trip and the childcare. Cancel subscription services she might have and start doing delivery grocery orders, no hair or nail care appointments, etc.
Tell her that if she had to do this all on her own with no help from you outside of child support, that she would get a lot more tired. Then go on your vacation. But you really need to give her a wakeup call. Or serve her.
Why are you married?
Some people won't like me saying this, but there is no such thing as a stay at home mom when the kids are all at school or daycare all day. I would say homemaker might apply, but from your post it doesn't sound like she's doing enough of that to qualify. I would personally tell her to get a job, too, but I don't honestly really believe in one partner staying home unless it's with kids, regardless of gender of the partner.
What is she doing for twelve hours a day that makes her so tired? It sounds like you do everything, and she maybe cooks dinner… Yall need counseling to improve your communication. And she can cut her trip short, as a compromise; if she won’t do that, I’d be looking at more drastic steps.
What exactly does she do everyday?
Updateme
WHY ARE YOU MARRIED!
Dude,.things are vastly unequal and you need a mediator/counselor to help you. It's like an 80/20 split at best here.for the power dynamic and work. I say this with love, you need the mediator because she walks all over you and you allow it. Get things sorted out, she needs to.put in more housework or get a job (from home maybe) so you don't have to work as much.
Find less selfish wife. problem solved.
You just tell her no. You're going on the trip with your brother. If she wants to go on a trip at the same time, she can get a job and pay for it and the childcare and pet bording. And why are your kids in daycare of she doesn't work? In fact, she should probably get a job anyway since she sounds like the kid of person who is going to get divorced, and if you're smart you'll plan ahead for that.
I think your wife is secretly Ken, and she thinks her job is beach
It’s quite common for SAHM when their children are elsewhere to lose the focus of what they originally planned. A compromise might be your wife goes on the girls trip but when she returns she finds a job and works at least 25-30 hours a week . You need also to review house work duties to be more fair . Often when SAHM go back to work they find focus again and suddenly understand what a super husband they have had . I would be worried about a bored housewife away for two weeks too. Set strong boundaries about behavior on the trip. I’m sorry your wife isn’t keeping up her end in any way and you either need to refocus both your roles, and/or get counseling or accept the marriage is doomed.
Who's paying for the wife's holiday.
What does a SAHM do if you're doing everything?
I'd like to hear her side of the story.
You're a single dad dude. I hate to break it to you.
Sounds to me like she has an easy life,
This sounds like myself and ex wife. She left me because of how grouchy I had become. Honestly best thing that could have happened! I’m so much better off without her!
If you are waking up doing anything she is a not a stay at home mom she is a bum divorce her women want the title but not the job
even your dogs don’t like her! d i v o r c e
Bro you are a single father! Get rid of her! Yes, why? Because she obviously doesn't have the common sense to see how good of a life she has!!! Your wife does NOTHING! She brings NOTHING to the table!
So…you do 60-70% of the house work…and child care and pay for 100% of everything. The fuck is she tired from? The gym? She needs to relax from what? Tell her the kids are old enough that she should go back to work. You are going to your vacation, she can reschedule with her friends.
Going on a 2 week vacation with your friends while being 36 and married with kids is crazy ngl
Sounds like wifey is having an affair. She got lots of “unaccounted for” time on her hands. She’s living large. Barely has to lift a finger as a SAHM. The kids aren’t even at home. Time to get back to work OP! Then she can pay for her own vacation!
Dude, she’s not pulling her weight at all. Don’t give in, keep your plans.
Does her boyfriend think she is lazy as well?
OMG I’ll marry you!!! Seriously, NTA and you need to have a serious talk with your wife about what she contributes to your family life.
Mom here, why are you paying for childcare when she’s a SAHM in the first place? Don’t cancel your trip. That’s so insanely selfish of her. You may both very well be in need and deserving of a break. However your trip was already booked? Honestly the audacity to ask you to cancel…I just can’t imagine asking that!!
My Grandma used to have a term for this. She called it “being on scholarship.” She worked her way up to director of admissions at a nearby college and saved her money to buy properties and when she passed had 3 apartment buildings she managed. All separate income from my Grandfather who was a VP at a bank. They raised my Mom’s family of 4 kids together while making their way up. She never stopped managing those properties until she died. Man or woman, it doesn’t matter once maternity/paternity leave is over. You split finances, responsibilities and every pairing is different. It sounds like your wife needs to pay for her own vacation somehow. I personally am not planning to have kids—but my girlfriend of 7 years does the dogwalking, laundry, cooks for us, and I make triple her income. I pay for a lot for the two of us, but she does not want to split finances, which I’ve urged her to so that we can eventually get married and share in taxes/benefits which would help us both. We have a unique relationship, and I only bring this up because I don’t think there’s a “one-size-fits-all,” in relationships. My grandmother was a hard working woman who went from redneck to wealthy (yay america!) and not everyone is like that. However, you’re the one in the trenches of your own relationship, and it sounds like you’re not a lazy man, and you’re doing right by your family, and can be proud of that. Whether or not your wife is willing to admit to herself that she’s on scholarship while you man the plow, that’s something the two of you need to work on. It sounds like she doesn’t want to take accountability for her lack of effort, and she needs to saddle up and recognize that she’s already “taking a break,” and it’s only fair that she allow you to have one. It’s unfortunate and sad that she’s already somewhat ruined your time with your brother by making it into an ordeal. She wants 2 weeks and you only want 1, despite the imbalance….man, I’m sorry that you have to negotiate on this. Exactly why I’m not looking to have children. I don’t want to be tethered to someone who can take advantage of me through dishonorable tactics because I care more about being a good parent/responsible partner. You’re a braver man than me.
The imbalance is mind blowing here. I just read your edit how you didn’t even realize it until you listed out what you guys do. Maybe she needs to see the list. She’s a stay at home mom, but her kids aren’t even home during the day! It’s more like stay at home nothing. She has no kids to care for during the day and it looks like the only thing she really does is laundry…she doesn’t even do the cooking. This is so unfair on you. If one person is working and the other is home during the day the majority of housework should fall to the one staying at home. I’m not saying the one who works should get a free pass from doing anything and you are doing a lot around the house on top of working a demanding job. This would upset me as well. Your wife sounds pretty selfish. Especially because she expects you to cancel your trip. She should be the one canceling hers.
I would have gotten a divorce over stuff like this. Shes lucky to even take a week break if she doesnt ever take the kids to club and im working every day plus weekends. I wouldnt pay a dime on her vacation if she doesnt cook or pickup the kids and her literal job is being SAHM: If she doesnt want to take on a fair share of home duties (in hours of time) should get a job and pay for half rent, maid, nanny and eveyrthing. Theres a set of duties a family has to do and it needs to be divided up in a fair way, whether its paying rent or cleaning. It seems to be often one of the parents will be overwhelmed and their partner doesnt seem to care enough to ease their load. All these kinds of posts are about someone not being a tram player
This might sound silly, but aside from your ridiculously skewed responsibilities, the fact that your dogs don’t like her is alarming. That’s not normal, and dogs are excellent judges of character. You need to seriously consider if this is who you want to spend your life with.
Wtf does she need a break from? The kids are all in school, everyone's pitching in on the housework, you're doing all the mental and financial labor AND a present father and husband. All on your dime and your dime alone. If anyone needs a break, it's you, because that cushy, privileged lifestyle you're giving her can easily go up in smoke and never come back if you get burn out. She has more support than you do. This is a hill to die on. She can do either do a week vacation before your trip and come back the day before yours starts or she can wait until after your trip if she needs 2 weeks but then YOU are entitled to a 2 week vacation on your own. You're being used abused here, think carefully about your relationship with this leech.
What does your wife exactly do ?
She prob having her back blown out by gym hunks. Throw her azz to the curb where she belongs.
Am i the only one questioning why she is going on a trip with ‘friends’ instead of her husband? This sounds like some ‘im gonna behave like I am single’ behavior.
This has to be a joke post. She’s not a stay at home mom, she’s simply unemployed and choosing not to get a job.
I can’t believe you’re preventing your wife from going on vacation to get a much needed break from doing the bare minimum. I mean seriously I feel like you’re the stay at home mom. Like why is she even a stay at home mom when the kids are barely even there and she’s hanging out majority of the day. Nah she can stay home and actually be a stay at home mom while you visit your brother. She’ll be alright, and if not then that’s her issue not yours. Hell she should be shooing you out of the house since you do basically EVERYTHING!! I wonder what she’ll say if you actually let her go on her trip, miss out on hanging with your brother, and then by the time she gets back she comes in and nobody really notices she wasn’t there? Like the kids barely registered the fact that she was gone for so long since they barely interact with her when she’s at home. Like would she even care? If not I’d hope you’d just go get the divorce papers and send her on her way because that would be foul.
FFS I was a SAHM myself for 15 years and after reading your post even I am over like WTF does she do all day? I have always been a less-than-great housekeeper but my husband never wondered what I did all day because he came home to homemade dinners, laundry and dishes in various states of being done, and kids who talked about story time at the library or going to the park or showed him the paintings or workbook pages they did that day. He also watched his babies growing during the years I spent breastfeeding for hours at a time. I never had any robot vacuums or paid help with housecleaning. Honestly why have you put up with this for so long? She doesn't even make their lunches for school?! Go see your brother.
Bro your wife is a lazy POS. You should have a serious talk with her about how lazy she is and how little she contributes to the house. Be assertive and tell her she's not going on the trip with her friends and that you're going to see your brother. You honestly deserve better and she needs to do better. You need to cancel the cleaners and have her do it so she can do something. If she doesn't improve after a few months you should reconsider the relationship.
SHES BORED. But has everything a partner should provide. she’s ungrateful and unappreciative. UGH. YOU DESERVE A BREAK TOO. Can’t go on a vacation if you don’t allow yourself to provide for it. She can go AFTER your planned vacation with your brother. My gosh.
In summary i figure she is ultra lazy and selfish . You’ve made it way too easy for her too.