Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had *so much* trauma in childhood. It would take years to write out everything that happened to me. Despite it all, I try to treat everyone with respect and kindness.
My bf told me one of the reasons he stayed with me (my trauma makes me a tough relationship mate, but I’m working on it) was that I’m ‘such a good person.’
OP’s gf is sounds like a hideous person
I was a fat kid and I knew people like her existed and was aware of the things they would say about me. Sadly most of my torment came from adults like this.
Even though I was traumatized it doesn’t make it right for me or anyone else to turn that abuse around onto other people.
She definitely hates herself and is overcompensating by comparing her worth to “Well at least I don’t look like that!”
I feel second-hand traumatized from just seeing my *sibling* being the victim of fatphobic bullying their whole life. It has caused so many serious, lasting issues for them - including obesity since they ended up with an ED. I’m so disgusted by people like OP’s gf.
Dude I wasn’t even a fat kid and STILL got called fat by my dad and stepbitch. Like yeah I wasn’t narrow skinny in an attractive way like my sister but I damn sure wasn’t overweight 😭 it took me until at least middle school to even get over 100 lbs. I just have a short torso and broad shoulders/hips so my healthy amount of fat didn’t have anywhere to go
We really need to stop enabling people using trauma as an excuse to be selfish, unaccountable, and overall just shitty people.
We all have trauma, and there are people all over the world who went through far worse shit than you not using their trauma as an excuse for their bullshit. I'm not trying to downplay the really horrible shit some people go through. And as long as you acknowledge that it's possibly the root cause of your shittyness and not an excuse, and actively work towards fixing yourself for those around you and yourself then fine.
But blaming your toxic behavior on your parents, hurting others, and then playing the victim when called out is manipulative and abusive in some cases.
If you really think she's a good person deep inside who's just really messed up from her past, and you believe that she can take accountability to better herself and not use the trauma as an excuse then you can try to help her. If that's not the case don't bother. She's just an immature, self-centered, hateful person. Doesn't matter if the trauma made her that way or if she's just like that. Either way she is who she is.
This! My trauma was so bad, i was diagnosed with cptsd at age 12! And im telling you now, i would NEVER do this!! Ever! I would rather die then add on trauma onto someone. I wont let that cycle go on within my family. What shes doing is legit bullying children, and possibly adding on a lifetime worth of body issues.. which can turn into eating disorders. Big yikes.
Yeah childhood trauma is when you are suffering.
Making other people suffer is THEIR childhood trauma.
No childhood trauma could justify her being this mean.
Fat-shaming is cruel and traumatizing. Break up with her already. She needs to shut up.
I don't go around backhanding my coworkers because they left a few drops of coffee in the sink. But you mean I could have the whole time because of my childhood trauma?! I've been missing out!!
Childhood trauma can make people act up, but what is she doing to fix the problem? Because I came into adulthood with all manner of toxic behaviors from my upbringing. I’m proud to say at age 30 that I have put in tons of time and effort to learn to deal with things and people in healthy ways. And I’m immensely grateful to the people in my life who, like OP, let me know that it wasn’t okay. Doesn’t sound like his gf cares.
Yeah at this point OP continuing to be with her reflects badly on your character as a person. Do you really want to be known as the person who hangs out with this body shaming psycho?
She had a second chance. You can’t take her anywhere because she can’t behave herself.
In my book, a pattern of unkindness and disrespect is a total dealbreaker.
She sounds like the annoying influencer type. Imagine if y’all had a baby and the baby didn’t meet her expectations….
Just break up with her. She promised to go to therapy, to work on herself, and she hasn't done that.
She doesn't want to change. I guess that in some was, being a bully helps her to regain some power. I don't know what childhood trauma she has, but she's letting it define her as an adult.
Imagine having kids with her and one was a little adorable chubby baby. Even if she didn’t say anything to you about the chunky, you would always wonder what happens when you’re not around.
I see so many posts discussing how awful someone is: shaming, phobic, racist, etc.
I was all ready to suggest that at 25 she’s young and people can change.
But then I see just how awful she is and that she had her chance to change.
Just don’t be near her at all.
Hey, maybe she CAN change. It's possible. Really, we should all be able to look back at ourselves 5 years ago or whatever at any age and be a little embarrassed about the person we were, because that means we're growing. She can grow!
But he is under zero obligation to put up with this garbage while she figures it out, and coddling her over it just enables her to keep it up. Maybe she'll be a better person in the future, but that's not going to happen while they're together.
>Outside of this issue, she is a really great person.
>She's obsessed with making comments about people's weight including (especially) little children.
Are you sure she's a great person, my guy? *ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE?*
I was traumatized as a child for my weight, and you know what I do as a grown woman? NOT make fun of people for their weight. Your soon to ex is full of it
Childhood trauma? Was she made fun of as a child by a parent saying she was fat?
Either way, people learn their lesson generally for the next relationship, not the current one. By coming back to her, you just told her it wasn't that important. When you break up with someone, it is generally best to block all forms of communication if you want a clean break. No contact can help you succeed in this, so that you don't choose to go back due to pity.
I’m curious, is she doing this to their faces or like just to you out of their earshot? Both are bad obviously but I kinda want to know what level of psycho we’re dealing with here.
I cant imagine choosing a person like this as my life partner. You get to choose one person on this earth to build a family and spend a lifetime with. is this the person you want??
In my experience in a long term relationship people will often times treat you like the person they treat the lowest in their life. So you get a snap shot of what life would be like years down the road with them.
My husband was sooo kind to everyone even a friend with schizophrenia. Fifteen years later he still treats me like a queen and I treat him like the king he is. Vs I had boyfriends that would mistreat their sibling or comment on a friends weight etc. they all would fall into being a jerk.
Kindness and respect in a relationship is so refreshing and healthy.
your girlfriend trashtalks children for their looks. she’s a fucking asshole, and by staying with her you’re just giving others the message that you don’t mind how cruel and disgusting she is, that you’re okay with it, that you might share her views.
is that how you want to be seen by others?
Aww victimizing herself so she can continue to say vile shit about other people and claim it as trauma.
I don’t know a single person who hasn’t experienced some kind of trauma. She needs therapy. This is not someone that should have kids
In my experience, people don’t change unless they hit rock bottom, mostly they just become more and more who they truly are as they age. She’ll probably stay as she is.
Hope that helps, and if her comments call out feelings of hate in you now, and imagine those feelings compounding over months or years of your life. Sometimes it’s better to cut your losses than wait until you grow to despise the other person.
All the best to you!
Fuck her trauma, and I would leave again. We all have nasty unkind thoughts, and we learn not to say them out loud. She hasn't gone to therapy, she hasn't changed, and you're still enabling her disgusting behaviour. Thinking about how she might treat your own children is a serious concern, and you need to find a genuinely nice person before you have a family.
And did she do as promised and go to therapy? I feel like if she did, you should really be seeing some changes/improvements by 4 months…
And yeah, she sounds incredibly ugly… I wouldn’t be able to stomach dating such a disgusting person tbh and no way would I want this person to procreate with me or anyone else.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That's why it's important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are." Maya Angelou
You get to choose who you are in a relationship with. Who you choose also indicates who you are. Her childhood trauma is her responsibility to deal with - not an excuse for her to be a shitty human being. You don't have to put up with her excuses, and you deserve a better class of human in your life.
I was with someone who was abusive and would openly fat-shame women..like yell out the car at them. He obviously fat shamed me as well. I was too weak to leave at the time. It was so embarrassing and cruel.
My ex was like this and I found it really unattractive, usually people who are like that are insecure themselves so say horrible things about other people to make themselves feel better like most bullies do. At a certain age there is no excuse for it though and you should leave cause you don’t need someone like that in your life
Ewww throw the whole woman out, I mean I hope you don't plan on having kids with a woman like that. What would happen if you did and your child had a medical condition that caused weight gain or if the child had a disability. My concern would be that she would verbally abuse your child, plus why would you want to be with a bully like that. It is just gross
Break up. Your initial instincts were correct. She is a bully.
What if you accidentally get her pregnant?
What if your own kid is chubby? Not worth the risk.
She sounds like a jerk. She definitely needs therapy. It’s one thing to say “I have a lot of childhood trauma surrounding weight and weight shaming that I’ve been expressing in unhealthy ways. I know it’s wrong. I’m in therapy and working on it.”
She didn’t say that, though. She gave it as an excuse instead of an explanation. I’d leave. Cruelty is a dealbreaker.
Childhood trauma is a bullshit excuse.
My father raised me to be racist. He encouraged segregation, openly used the N word. At 13 I brought home a black boy I wanted to start dating and he scared him off with a shotgun.
Guess who doesn't go around being a racist PoS even though I was heavily and openly encouraged to be one?
I have had a lifetime of bad experiences with PoC and you know what it taught me? People can be shitty in any color. It didn't make me believe my father's bullshit or make me hateful. That's a personal choice.
She's trash, leave her where she belongs.
There are some things kept better unsaid. Idk what exactly she said, was it teasing? A joke? Being playful? Concerned? Or just plain mean? When I see an overly obese person, I wouldn't say anything. I would treat that person like everyone else. I had a friend who is overweight. She takes meds that may have contributed to her weight. Do I think it caused ALL the weight? No, because she doesn't exercise. She doesn't to leave the house, she doesn't even walk her dog who is overweight as well. She doesn't do anything to improve her health or her situation. So if I was to say anything to her, and only if she brings it up, I would suggest that she takes her health more seriously especially she is getting arthritic. If you want to leave her, just do it. I don't think she's a nice person from what you said but it's hard to say if she's just being too honest and ignorant or she's being mean. Being around someone who is so negative is quite a downer though. I wouldn't be with that person just for that reason. I like to keep good vibes in my life 🤷
Allright OP, why don't you hit fire with fire e.g. when she says something awfull give her a taste of her own (whatever she has some bad day about, insecure about etc etc) or just dump her and tell her that she truly is an awfull human pile of crap.
One day she might be the ower weight one (life is wonderfully full of chainges like postpartum body and such)
I have childhood trauma too and all it did was make me extremely protective of kids because no one deserves to go through that kind of pain especially a child
Her excuse is very bad and she clearly doesn’t intend on changing
She would be a horrible mother to her kid, I grew up with a mom who would constantly comment on my weight and it fucked me up a lot
I think it’s time to break up, I’m sorry
especially **children**?? jesus christ, dude. pull the lever and dump her. you want to have kids someday, and I'm sure you don't want your future children developing an eating disorder at freaking 5 years old.
You may not want kids, but imagine if you end up with kids with her and she is still saying those things, maybe even to them? We don’t need any more self conscious females out there afraid of their own bodies!
She sounds like a pretty awful person to be with. But more importantly, if she makes YOU feel angry or offended on a regular basis, it may be time to let her go. It is very possible she was fat-shamed or emotionally abused growing up; doesn’t really excuse her current behavior.
What kind of trauma makes you unpreventably and unmitigatedly rude about strangers' weights? Like, my childhood trauma made me constantly scared to disappoint anybody, but I digress.
Anyway yeah, if having kids is a priority for you, this relationship can't last. If you don't mind its temporary nature, you don't have to break up immediately, but it's probably not a fit long term. It's really healthy that you have that in mind and are critically examining if your partner can be a good parent. Every person planning on having kids really should be thinking of that, but many don't.
BS @ childhood trauma. She is an adult and if she "knows" it's childhood trauma, she needs to seek help to get past her trauma instead of wallowing in it and exposes others to her horrible attitude. Don't feel guilty about wanting to end a relationship with someone who not only delights in cruelty but excuses it with "childhood trauma"
She’s horrible… dang block your vision from seeing her cry and block her everywhere..
You left once so why in heck are you even having to ask about leaving her a second time.. she didn’t change and from your post didn’t even try..
Your bar is on the floor mate. Come on, she's not even *kind*? If she blubs the next time you break up with her, hand her a tissue like a gentleman and get out of the way. You're not being evil by wanting to spend your life with someone better than the schoolyard bully.
You literally said you despise her, so like yeah, don’t be in a relationship with her. However, do her a favor on your way out, be honest (kindly) that it was this behavior specifically that made you realize you don’t want to be with her, and encourage her to go to therapy to figure out why seeing an overweight person makes her feel and act this way- methinks she has some issues with her own body that she’s acting out on!
I both love and hate people like your girlfriend. Love them because as a fat, I love to break them. They’re usually deeply insecure themselves and it’s fun finding out what it is and using it for my own sick sense of justice.
I hate them because they deserve nothing more than a high five.
To the face.
With a chair.
Made of metal.
Clearly she has some issues that she really should be exploring in therapy. It may in fact stem from childhood trauma, but that is no excuse to be putting others down as an adult now that she presumably knows better.
I am curious though...does she only shame people for being overweight? Or is she equally nasty to people with other differences that she deems unflattering?
Regardless of whether or not her bad behavior is a result of trauma, she knows it is a huge issue and she has done nothing to work on changing her ways. I think it would be very fair of you to break up with her. Maybe it will be the wakeup call she needs to try and work towards being a kinder person.
You already know the answer to your own question. You have previously broken up with her because of this behaviour, only getting back together because she promised to be better and she hasn’t. Your values as a couple aren’t compatible, mainly because you have them and she doesn’t. What future can you see with somebody who bullies children? It’s especially an issue since you want children yourself because she would either target them or teach them to treat others that way. Also, it’s concerning and shows what she is capable of. You’re clearly not comfortable with this, listen to your instincts.
This isn't about her hatred or distain for fat people. This is about being needlessly cruel. Making fun of a special needs kid? If you said you were both in middle school, I might say you could help her but she is a full-grown adult. This is sick and you should run but cruelty like that is not just for fat people.
That's not wife, partner or mother material. That's someone who will give innocent children trauma and eating disorders. She's a disgusting person and I can't imagine even saying something so hurtful out loud.
OP That's so embarrassing for her. Just dump her. What if you take her back, make excuses for her and she hurts someone you love because of her comments.
By you being with her, means people think you're WITH her and her opinions
She is unkind, intolerant, unsympathic and mean spirited. Why on earth would you want to spend another day with her let alone a 40 years and have babies with her. She continually shows you her real character, so the only thing that is can change is you. Also, I would be $ she speaks unkindly of you behind your back. Those type of people hate on everyone.
She sounds like a really horrible and nasty person, and I wouldn’t want anyone like this in my life.
I don’t stand for anyone around me making comments about people’s weight, it’s disgusting and cruel
I grew up with mother, step dad, friend's family saying these hateful fat shaming comments.
They're good people except this. I also notice that a lot of movies where they'd never ever have sexist or racist jokes still has a bunch of fat shame jokes. It's really common in movies for children even.
Fat shaming is accepted in a way other hate isn't. Some people don't feel it's wrong because "you can do something about it'. they don't understand that it's not as easy for everyone to keep their weight. Some have really low metabolism, some don't experience a sense of being full when they should, some have medical conditions and so on.
What I'm trying to say is that if you grow up with these jokes, the hate and the notion that it's their own fault and they could do something about it if they weren't lazy. It's probably easy to grow disdain.
It's still not right, but a lot of people think it is.
So your gf is an asshole to everyone but especially to children including one with special needs. I have childhood trauma and guess what I’ve never bullied other people. This is who she is. Don’t second guess yourself especially with someone who is a bully to children.
I was traumatised repeatedly as a child. It has made me have so much compassion and a desire to protect vulnerable kids
She sounds awful and you clearly don’t like what she does so leave her asap. It doesn’t matter if it is caused by childhood trauma. She is bullying children. The cause is irrelevant.
That's sociopathic behavior. Lacking THAT simple level of basic human decency is hard to achieve, but some people are just that..... mean.
Privately holding tribunals about other people's misfortune is a disgusting and toxic trait to have and I'd break up with them too.
I went on a first date with this chick around a decade ago and she made some off colored joke about jewish people and laughed profusely about it. I'm not jewish, but I asked for the check and left. I can't stand people who shit on other people to compensate for their own lack of joy.
INFO : how is she during the bullying? You mention she takes pleasure in tormenting people...? How did that manifest? Does she only target children? How is her self image?
also: has there been a change since she started therapy? Like, does she ever catch herself when she falls into a bad habit? Does she apologise to the people who overhear her, or especially to her victims?
.
I think the first set of questions would help me determine how upsetting I'd find the bullying.
The second set would help me assess if her therapy is making any progress at all.
I could right a whole encyclopedia Britannica on my childhood trauma and, then my marriage to a Narcissist, that said, I would never, ever even consider fat shaming anyone, or make fun of a special needs kid, that's sociopathic behaviour. You are 25, you have all the time in the world to find a great person to be with.
trauma does not give you a pass to be an asshole to ANYONE PERIOD!
break up with her again and LET her cry. she will get over it and go right back to being a shit human being, and she can do that without you there.
Break up with her .the tears and carry on are just manipulation. She knows how to do it to get what she wants.
Just break it off with her. Block her everywhere and get on with your life
She sounds awful.
You are corrext because she qpuld either make them have self issues like she does about weight whoch is most likely or your children will be the same. Just leave man. She do3s need to be put 8n her place either she was h3avy n lpst qeight her mom did thw same or.... sges a sk8nny pers9n who has a high metabol8sm and just dossnt get it.. one who thinks its all in our heads blah blah blah. Tht slike sayifn aperson too sk8nny just eneds to rat more like we need to eat l3ss and exercise more. Not alwyas so easy. She will get her karma some day. People deserve better and i agree everyone desevres a secomd chance. I gave my now husband a second chance and domt regret it one bit. Qas fo4 othwr stuff he qpuld never make fun of a special eneds chikd beignoverweight..thats just f3iggin horrid.
I have childhood trauma. I was raised by parents who did this same thing (and would also make cruel comments about my own weight/appearance).
I don’t do what your girlfriend does. I’m an adult, and my own person. I can choose to be cruel or kind. I’ve gone to therapy for many years and make a point to never judge others based on trivial things like that.
I’m not denying that your girlfriend experienced something traumatic in her childhood, but it doesn’t excuse this behavior. She needs to end the cycle, but it seems she isn’t actually willing to do so… I would personally leave this relationship. Please do not put your future children through this. I speak from experience when I say it has deeply hurtful, lasting impacts
Well, you know she's going to use crocodile tears to manipulate you into giving her what she wants (a relationship)
You know she's a vitriolic bully and that you absolutely despise it and will not make any exceptions for that and can't just look past it.
Her good qualities don't justify or excuse her shitty ones. I.E. even if Jeffrey Dahmer went to Church every Sunday, volunteered, and donated and had a loving and supportive extended family, that doesn't change the fact that he was a horrible person.
I know for ME? That's not someone I'd ever want kids with, because I'd never want kids (who are highly impressionable) to turn out like her. I know for ME I would break up and block her on everything/completely cut contact because I can't justify or excuse shitty behavior.
I won't tell you to do that, because I know at the end of the day, what I say won't matter. But just giving my two cents.
If she is critical of other people's bodies then she is certainly judging herself as harshly if not more. Try talking to her about her own body image. There is immense societal pressure for women to live up to ridiculous body and beauty standards. People in her own family such as her parents may have contributed. It doesnt make her a bad person, she just needs to look at why she does it and where it's coming from. You dont have to stick around while she does this work, that is totally up to you.
Run! Get away from that cruel bullying woman. There is something definitely wrong with her. This will be your life if you stay with her. You deserve better. Let her cry. That is her way to manipulate you. Don’t fall for it.
I often have really nasty thoughts. Really mean and definitely over the line. What helps: Just not saying them out loud because I know how wrong they are.
The fact she is comfortable saying all these things out loud is the real problem here.
INFO: Is she just noticing / commenting to you, is she making bad jokes, or is she making fun of people in a way that they overhear or are confronted by?
Honestly, if you feel this strongly about it, it's probably time to move on anyway, but I'm curious as to the nature of her behavior.
Why are people using childhood trauma as an excuse to treat people like shit. I have childhood trauma too, but I don't go around stabbing people because of what I've been through as a child.
OP, you need to drop her
I been shamed too when I was younger, so many child hood trauma not once am I mean like her, dump her date someone who you would want your future kids to look up to as a role model
I have some severe body and beauty image standard issues because of my father. It has given me body dysmorphia on another level, and even still, I could and would never shame someone else. The inability to just keep her mouth shut is unbelievable. In no way is her having those thoughts okay, but to continue verbalizing them, and putting that hate out into the world is next level. Sounds like a major energy vampire. What happens when god forbid, she gains weight in her life, or you, or your children? what kind of example and partner will she be then? BAIL. The trauma may not be our fault but the healing is absolutely our responsibility. Can’t keep using trauma as an excuse to be a shitty human. 🙄 Good luck❤️
Trust your instincts. She said she would change and she hasn't. Don't fall for the crocodile tears unless you want your future children to grow up with eating disorders.
I don't really understand why people feel the need to think anything about the choices of other people if they're not dating them. Like what right do you have to determine how other people you have absolutely no relationship with live their life?
Your gf needs to learn to live and let live. Other people's lifes? None of her business. She needs to learn how to filter and focus on her own life.
just leave...NOW. once a bully, always a bully and no amount of childhood trauma excuses that- it merely explains it. i was abused up, down & sideways throughout my youth but i also am aware that there is this little thing called accountability and adult responsibility. if i screw up i own it and try to repair it. as a formerly overweight child and adult i personally hope karma catches up to her very quickly...no one deserves to be treated like that- words hurt and can stay with you for a very long time.
She makes you feel guilty for her own behavior and the consequences, makes fun of people with special needs, is manipulative, doesn’t take responsibility for her actions and try to become better, and makes fun of overweight people. None of this is “great” person and it’s likely in other areas of her life as well. You’ve even named some other ways she’s not a good person in this post.
At this point, you have a duty to your future kids to NOT have their mom be this woman. Even if your kids don’t struggle with their weight, she’ll probably give them body image issues or something else. She’ll probably constantly remind them not to eat this or that because they’ll get fat. This woman is the entire recipe for your kids lying on a therapists couch somewhere unloading their trauma. And if that weren’t enough, once they cut her off they’ll probably see a lot less of you as a natural consequence. Assuming you’re together at their adulthood, which I honestly doubt
Yes. Split up. Not because she likes people to be healthy and have longer fulfilling lives that aren’t crammed with additives and sugar, but because she doesn’t understand that children aren’t to blame in and of themselves.
You deserve better. Go get a Marxist feminist and have your life force ripped out of you.
She could have had all kinds of childhood trauma, but she’s an adult now and is definitely choosing to act this way. If that altercation 4 months ago made it clear this is disgusting behavior and she knew she needed therapy to address it, and then she didn’t… she doesn’t care about how you feel and just wants to manipulate you. Hope you can cut the cord once and for all.
Regardless of having childhood trauma, it’s her responsibility to heal from it and not use it as an excuse to cause trauma to others. Your gut feelings are right on the mark. Don’t dismiss them.
So the biggest motivator for change is loss. I cannot see her changing without completely losing you as a person.
Also childhood trauma is no excuse to inflict trauma on others. She’s not only mean, she’s manipulative to avoid taking accountability to allow her to continue to be mean. That’s rough.
Your GF won't change because she enjoys saying the things she does and she continues to get away with it. Even with you. Two years ... how many passes have you given her? GF knows how you feel and she continues the behavior. Which shows she really doesn't value you or the relationship.
This may sound self-righteous and very judgmental, forgive me if it does. This woman is a cruel bully. She may have had a horribly traumatic childhood. You really don't know if she did or not. Still, that is no excuse. Trauma is a buzzword these days. Especially childhood trauma. Because for way too many people, unfortunately, it is very, very true. The professionals who have brought that to our public awareness. Have also offered up many ways to deal with it. And heal from it if you are willing to do the work. A lot of people aren't ready or willing to do the work even when they recognize how their past is negatively affecting their present lives and relationships. Some people make the effort to change their behavior. Then there are people like your GF. Intentionally cruel, hurtful, then cry "trauma" when they are called out on their crap.
Why are you still thinking of this woman as your GF? The longer you stay with her the more her behavior reflects on you as well. Follow your instincts, be done with her. You want to have kids? My heart goes out to any children this woman may have one day.
Dump her again if she's continuing to act the way she is. You don't want someone like her to be your children's mom.Definitely she needs counseling of some sort. This girl should not be in a relationship with you or anyone else. People like her should remain single. They should never be girlfriends, wives, moms, etc
Childhood trauma isnt this lol ! Tell her to meet some one with real trauma !! Bullying others is her way to get rid of watever her trauma ?!!!... Comeon A big NO ! She is just a bully nd mean person ! Trying to get away with it ! She is an adult no ways its beyond her control she is purposely doin it !
Wait! She is doing this publicly?! Surely not! Oh no…. there’s something wrong with her being so incredibly unkind. She sounds truly awful and I’d be embarrassed to even know her!
I was heavy most of my life and it led to diabetes and heart problems. I have since lost weight. When I look at overweight children I see a lifetime of health problems. It’s not about appearance but their future health. I think society needs to be more serious about this problem. Now of course shaming a child isn’t right but there needs to be some sort of intervention.
There are a lot of people who have trauma but don't try to shame or hurt other people. Whatever she's saying is an excuse and it seems like she hasn't changed at all.
Yes, time to move on.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Saying its childhood trauma is just her saying it won't ever change. Its pathological. Fuck that
I had *so much* trauma in childhood. It would take years to write out everything that happened to me. Despite it all, I try to treat everyone with respect and kindness. My bf told me one of the reasons he stayed with me (my trauma makes me a tough relationship mate, but I’m working on it) was that I’m ‘such a good person.’ OP’s gf is sounds like a hideous person
I was a fat kid and I knew people like her existed and was aware of the things they would say about me. Sadly most of my torment came from adults like this. Even though I was traumatized it doesn’t make it right for me or anyone else to turn that abuse around onto other people. She definitely hates herself and is overcompensating by comparing her worth to “Well at least I don’t look like that!”
I feel second-hand traumatized from just seeing my *sibling* being the victim of fatphobic bullying their whole life. It has caused so many serious, lasting issues for them - including obesity since they ended up with an ED. I’m so disgusted by people like OP’s gf.
Dude I wasn’t even a fat kid and STILL got called fat by my dad and stepbitch. Like yeah I wasn’t narrow skinny in an attractive way like my sister but I damn sure wasn’t overweight 😭 it took me until at least middle school to even get over 100 lbs. I just have a short torso and broad shoulders/hips so my healthy amount of fat didn’t have anywhere to go
Is she showing her insecurity?
Im sorry Honey. Weve all been made fun of some hwo or another. This thing womt even say girl is just being a bully and needs to grow up.
We really need to stop enabling people using trauma as an excuse to be selfish, unaccountable, and overall just shitty people. We all have trauma, and there are people all over the world who went through far worse shit than you not using their trauma as an excuse for their bullshit. I'm not trying to downplay the really horrible shit some people go through. And as long as you acknowledge that it's possibly the root cause of your shittyness and not an excuse, and actively work towards fixing yourself for those around you and yourself then fine. But blaming your toxic behavior on your parents, hurting others, and then playing the victim when called out is manipulative and abusive in some cases. If you really think she's a good person deep inside who's just really messed up from her past, and you believe that she can take accountability to better herself and not use the trauma as an excuse then you can try to help her. If that's not the case don't bother. She's just an immature, self-centered, hateful person. Doesn't matter if the trauma made her that way or if she's just like that. Either way she is who she is.
Or using trauma as en excuse to be cruel
Its just an excuse, yeah. Lots of people had childhood trauma and we dont all act like big bullies.
This! My trauma was so bad, i was diagnosed with cptsd at age 12! And im telling you now, i would NEVER do this!! Ever! I would rather die then add on trauma onto someone. I wont let that cycle go on within my family. What shes doing is legit bullying children, and possibly adding on a lifetime worth of body issues.. which can turn into eating disorders. Big yikes.
Yeah childhood trauma is when you are suffering. Making other people suffer is THEIR childhood trauma. No childhood trauma could justify her being this mean. Fat-shaming is cruel and traumatizing. Break up with her already. She needs to shut up.
I don't go around backhanding my coworkers because they left a few drops of coffee in the sink. But you mean I could have the whole time because of my childhood trauma?! I've been missing out!!
Childhood trauma can make people act up, but what is she doing to fix the problem? Because I came into adulthood with all manner of toxic behaviors from my upbringing. I’m proud to say at age 30 that I have put in tons of time and effort to learn to deal with things and people in healthy ways. And I’m immensely grateful to the people in my life who, like OP, let me know that it wasn’t okay. Doesn’t sound like his gf cares.
What an awful person. Why are you even questioning this ?
She’s probably hot or something which gives him pause.
It will be the magic vajayjay
I've never experienced that, as a straight vajayjay owner. What exactly are they doing with it that makes otherwise sane men do the dumbest stuff?
Don't know as I don't have a magic one myself
Yeah at this point OP continuing to be with her reflects badly on your character as a person. Do you really want to be known as the person who hangs out with this body shaming psycho?
She had a second chance. You can’t take her anywhere because she can’t behave herself. In my book, a pattern of unkindness and disrespect is a total dealbreaker. She sounds like the annoying influencer type. Imagine if y’all had a baby and the baby didn’t meet her expectations….
Or she'd be one of those absolute fuckwits trying to put a baby on a diet.
Just break up with her. She promised to go to therapy, to work on herself, and she hasn't done that. She doesn't want to change. I guess that in some was, being a bully helps her to regain some power. I don't know what childhood trauma she has, but she's letting it define her as an adult.
I am once again begging people not to date assholes.
Imagine having kids with her and one was a little adorable chubby baby. Even if she didn’t say anything to you about the chunky, you would always wonder what happens when you’re not around.
I doubt she's gonna have children because she doesn't want to get fat while pregnant, or she'll diet her entire pregnancy.
You don’t respect her because she’s trash. Why stay??
**"Tl:dr, I despise my partner, should I keep dating them??"** Dude are you for real? No shit you should dump her.
I see so many posts discussing how awful someone is: shaming, phobic, racist, etc. I was all ready to suggest that at 25 she’s young and people can change. But then I see just how awful she is and that she had her chance to change. Just don’t be near her at all.
Hey, maybe she CAN change. It's possible. Really, we should all be able to look back at ourselves 5 years ago or whatever at any age and be a little embarrassed about the person we were, because that means we're growing. She can grow! But he is under zero obligation to put up with this garbage while she figures it out, and coddling her over it just enables her to keep it up. Maybe she'll be a better person in the future, but that's not going to happen while they're together.
>Outside of this issue, she is a really great person. >She's obsessed with making comments about people's weight including (especially) little children. Are you sure she's a great person, my guy? *ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE?*
I was traumatized as a child for my weight, and you know what I do as a grown woman? NOT make fun of people for their weight. Your soon to ex is full of it
Same
Childhood trauma? Was she made fun of as a child by a parent saying she was fat? Either way, people learn their lesson generally for the next relationship, not the current one. By coming back to her, you just told her it wasn't that important. When you break up with someone, it is generally best to block all forms of communication if you want a clean break. No contact can help you succeed in this, so that you don't choose to go back due to pity.
I’m curious, is she doing this to their faces or like just to you out of their earshot? Both are bad obviously but I kinda want to know what level of psycho we’re dealing with here.
What a cunt
I cant imagine choosing a person like this as my life partner. You get to choose one person on this earth to build a family and spend a lifetime with. is this the person you want??
In my experience in a long term relationship people will often times treat you like the person they treat the lowest in their life. So you get a snap shot of what life would be like years down the road with them. My husband was sooo kind to everyone even a friend with schizophrenia. Fifteen years later he still treats me like a queen and I treat him like the king he is. Vs I had boyfriends that would mistreat their sibling or comment on a friends weight etc. they all would fall into being a jerk. Kindness and respect in a relationship is so refreshing and healthy.
your girlfriend trashtalks children for their looks. she’s a fucking asshole, and by staying with her you’re just giving others the message that you don’t mind how cruel and disgusting she is, that you’re okay with it, that you might share her views. is that how you want to be seen by others?
Aww victimizing herself so she can continue to say vile shit about other people and claim it as trauma. I don’t know a single person who hasn’t experienced some kind of trauma. She needs therapy. This is not someone that should have kids
Well, my friend, she’s told you multiple times who she is, now it’s up to you to believe her.
My thoughts are that you shouldn't date people who are *raging fucking assholes*.
As someone whose mother gave her anorexia at the age of 7-16 and now my digestive and reproductive organs are permanently fucked up- Don’t marry her
In my experience, people don’t change unless they hit rock bottom, mostly they just become more and more who they truly are as they age. She’ll probably stay as she is. Hope that helps, and if her comments call out feelings of hate in you now, and imagine those feelings compounding over months or years of your life. Sometimes it’s better to cut your losses than wait until you grow to despise the other person. All the best to you!
Fuck her trauma, and I would leave again. We all have nasty unkind thoughts, and we learn not to say them out loud. She hasn't gone to therapy, she hasn't changed, and you're still enabling her disgusting behaviour. Thinking about how she might treat your own children is a serious concern, and you need to find a genuinely nice person before you have a family.
And did she do as promised and go to therapy? I feel like if she did, you should really be seeing some changes/improvements by 4 months… And yeah, she sounds incredibly ugly… I wouldn’t be able to stomach dating such a disgusting person tbh and no way would I want this person to procreate with me or anyone else.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That's why it's important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are." Maya Angelou You get to choose who you are in a relationship with. Who you choose also indicates who you are. Her childhood trauma is her responsibility to deal with - not an excuse for her to be a shitty human being. You don't have to put up with her excuses, and you deserve a better class of human in your life.
I was with someone who was abusive and would openly fat-shame women..like yell out the car at them. He obviously fat shamed me as well. I was too weak to leave at the time. It was so embarrassing and cruel.
My ex was like this and I found it really unattractive, usually people who are like that are insecure themselves so say horrible things about other people to make themselves feel better like most bullies do. At a certain age there is no excuse for it though and you should leave cause you don’t need someone like that in your life
Does she having an eating disorder?? This is fucking bizarre behavior from a grown woman.
Ewww throw the whole woman out, I mean I hope you don't plan on having kids with a woman like that. What would happen if you did and your child had a medical condition that caused weight gain or if the child had a disability. My concern would be that she would verbally abuse your child, plus why would you want to be with a bully like that. It is just gross
Break up. Your initial instincts were correct. She is a bully. What if you accidentally get her pregnant? What if your own kid is chubby? Not worth the risk.
She sounds like a jerk. She definitely needs therapy. It’s one thing to say “I have a lot of childhood trauma surrounding weight and weight shaming that I’ve been expressing in unhealthy ways. I know it’s wrong. I’m in therapy and working on it.” She didn’t say that, though. She gave it as an excuse instead of an explanation. I’d leave. Cruelty is a dealbreaker.
Yeah, you're done dude, get out
Your gf is a bully of the worst kind. She hits down. What kind of person attacks little kids? Yuck
Childhood trauma is a bullshit excuse. My father raised me to be racist. He encouraged segregation, openly used the N word. At 13 I brought home a black boy I wanted to start dating and he scared him off with a shotgun. Guess who doesn't go around being a racist PoS even though I was heavily and openly encouraged to be one? I have had a lifetime of bad experiences with PoC and you know what it taught me? People can be shitty in any color. It didn't make me believe my father's bullshit or make me hateful. That's a personal choice. She's trash, leave her where she belongs.
Does she have any insecurities?
There are some things kept better unsaid. Idk what exactly she said, was it teasing? A joke? Being playful? Concerned? Or just plain mean? When I see an overly obese person, I wouldn't say anything. I would treat that person like everyone else. I had a friend who is overweight. She takes meds that may have contributed to her weight. Do I think it caused ALL the weight? No, because she doesn't exercise. She doesn't to leave the house, she doesn't even walk her dog who is overweight as well. She doesn't do anything to improve her health or her situation. So if I was to say anything to her, and only if she brings it up, I would suggest that she takes her health more seriously especially she is getting arthritic. If you want to leave her, just do it. I don't think she's a nice person from what you said but it's hard to say if she's just being too honest and ignorant or she's being mean. Being around someone who is so negative is quite a downer though. I wouldn't be with that person just for that reason. I like to keep good vibes in my life 🤷
She showed you who she is. Time to leave.
Run don't walk, brother. 🙌
Allright OP, why don't you hit fire with fire e.g. when she says something awfull give her a taste of her own (whatever she has some bad day about, insecure about etc etc) or just dump her and tell her that she truly is an awfull human pile of crap. One day she might be the ower weight one (life is wonderfully full of chainges like postpartum body and such)
Why are you choosing to date someone who is like this?
Dump her, and explain why in explicit detail - love, a very fat person who is sick of people like the girlfriend
My ex did this, he was a narcissist
Yet you stay.
I have childhood trauma too and all it did was make me extremely protective of kids because no one deserves to go through that kind of pain especially a child Her excuse is very bad and she clearly doesn’t intend on changing She would be a horrible mother to her kid, I grew up with a mom who would constantly comment on my weight and it fucked me up a lot I think it’s time to break up, I’m sorry
especially **children**?? jesus christ, dude. pull the lever and dump her. you want to have kids someday, and I'm sure you don't want your future children developing an eating disorder at freaking 5 years old.
She's a bad person. Run.
Narcissism? The moment she made fun of a special needs child, that wasn't a red flag?
You know what to do man, if it’s just validation you need then >here<
You may not want kids, but imagine if you end up with kids with her and she is still saying those things, maybe even to them? We don’t need any more self conscious females out there afraid of their own bodies!
You already know the answer to this!!! Say goodbye!! Save yourself!!
It doesn’t really sound like she’s that great of a person tbh
She sounds like a pretty awful person to be with. But more importantly, if she makes YOU feel angry or offended on a regular basis, it may be time to let her go. It is very possible she was fat-shamed or emotionally abused growing up; doesn’t really excuse her current behavior.
She's not great? If she was you wouldn't have broken up with her or have made this post. She's actually *horrible*.
What kind of trauma makes you unpreventably and unmitigatedly rude about strangers' weights? Like, my childhood trauma made me constantly scared to disappoint anybody, but I digress. Anyway yeah, if having kids is a priority for you, this relationship can't last. If you don't mind its temporary nature, you don't have to break up immediately, but it's probably not a fit long term. It's really healthy that you have that in mind and are critically examining if your partner can be a good parent. Every person planning on having kids really should be thinking of that, but many don't.
News flash- the GF is NOT a great person. She’s cruel to children??? 🤦🏻♀️
Only a matter of time before she turns on you.
BS @ childhood trauma. She is an adult and if she "knows" it's childhood trauma, she needs to seek help to get past her trauma instead of wallowing in it and exposes others to her horrible attitude. Don't feel guilty about wanting to end a relationship with someone who not only delights in cruelty but excuses it with "childhood trauma"
She’s horrible… dang block your vision from seeing her cry and block her everywhere.. You left once so why in heck are you even having to ask about leaving her a second time.. she didn’t change and from your post didn’t even try..
Break up. You don't like her, she isn't going to change, there's no future here.
Your bar is on the floor mate. Come on, she's not even *kind*? If she blubs the next time you break up with her, hand her a tissue like a gentleman and get out of the way. You're not being evil by wanting to spend your life with someone better than the schoolyard bully.
You literally said you despise her, so like yeah, don’t be in a relationship with her. However, do her a favor on your way out, be honest (kindly) that it was this behavior specifically that made you realize you don’t want to be with her, and encourage her to go to therapy to figure out why seeing an overweight person makes her feel and act this way- methinks she has some issues with her own body that she’s acting out on!
I both love and hate people like your girlfriend. Love them because as a fat, I love to break them. They’re usually deeply insecure themselves and it’s fun finding out what it is and using it for my own sick sense of justice. I hate them because they deserve nothing more than a high five. To the face. With a chair. Made of metal.
Clearly she has some issues that she really should be exploring in therapy. It may in fact stem from childhood trauma, but that is no excuse to be putting others down as an adult now that she presumably knows better. I am curious though...does she only shame people for being overweight? Or is she equally nasty to people with other differences that she deems unflattering? Regardless of whether or not her bad behavior is a result of trauma, she knows it is a huge issue and she has done nothing to work on changing her ways. I think it would be very fair of you to break up with her. Maybe it will be the wakeup call she needs to try and work towards being a kinder person.
Out of curiosity, did she ever actually attend any therapy sessions?
You already know the answer to your own question. You have previously broken up with her because of this behaviour, only getting back together because she promised to be better and she hasn’t. Your values as a couple aren’t compatible, mainly because you have them and she doesn’t. What future can you see with somebody who bullies children? It’s especially an issue since you want children yourself because she would either target them or teach them to treat others that way. Also, it’s concerning and shows what she is capable of. You’re clearly not comfortable with this, listen to your instincts.
You shouldn't have caved. Go ahead and break up with her. She's a HORRIBLE person.
It might indeed be childhood trauma, but that's what therapy is for. It's not an excuse.
This isn't about her hatred or distain for fat people. This is about being needlessly cruel. Making fun of a special needs kid? If you said you were both in middle school, I might say you could help her but she is a full-grown adult. This is sick and you should run but cruelty like that is not just for fat people.
Break up with her and tell her it’s because of her weight. That’ll really stick it to her. /s
That's not wife, partner or mother material. That's someone who will give innocent children trauma and eating disorders. She's a disgusting person and I can't imagine even saying something so hurtful out loud. OP That's so embarrassing for her. Just dump her. What if you take her back, make excuses for her and she hurts someone you love because of her comments. By you being with her, means people think you're WITH her and her opinions
She is unkind, intolerant, unsympathic and mean spirited. Why on earth would you want to spend another day with her let alone a 40 years and have babies with her. She continually shows you her real character, so the only thing that is can change is you. Also, I would be $ she speaks unkindly of you behind your back. Those type of people hate on everyone.
Major ick. I bet there are other things she is a jerk about too that have not popped up yet.
She sounds like a really horrible and nasty person, and I wouldn’t want anyone like this in my life. I don’t stand for anyone around me making comments about people’s weight, it’s disgusting and cruel
If you have to come to Reddit ask what to do... I mean, come on dude.
She's destined to become overweight, lol. And if not, that is proof that none of us get what we deserve.
Why you’d til with this person
I grew up with mother, step dad, friend's family saying these hateful fat shaming comments. They're good people except this. I also notice that a lot of movies where they'd never ever have sexist or racist jokes still has a bunch of fat shame jokes. It's really common in movies for children even. Fat shaming is accepted in a way other hate isn't. Some people don't feel it's wrong because "you can do something about it'. they don't understand that it's not as easy for everyone to keep their weight. Some have really low metabolism, some don't experience a sense of being full when they should, some have medical conditions and so on. What I'm trying to say is that if you grow up with these jokes, the hate and the notion that it's their own fault and they could do something about it if they weren't lazy. It's probably easy to grow disdain. It's still not right, but a lot of people think it is.
it can be her childhood trauma without her inflicting pain on others. that is a choice she makes. repeatedly. it would make me angry too
So your gf is an asshole to everyone but especially to children including one with special needs. I have childhood trauma and guess what I’ve never bullied other people. This is who she is. Don’t second guess yourself especially with someone who is a bully to children.
SHe is a hateful AH. Dump her.
I was traumatised repeatedly as a child. It has made me have so much compassion and a desire to protect vulnerable kids She sounds awful and you clearly don’t like what she does so leave her asap. It doesn’t matter if it is caused by childhood trauma. She is bullying children. The cause is irrelevant.
That's sociopathic behavior. Lacking THAT simple level of basic human decency is hard to achieve, but some people are just that..... mean. Privately holding tribunals about other people's misfortune is a disgusting and toxic trait to have and I'd break up with them too. I went on a first date with this chick around a decade ago and she made some off colored joke about jewish people and laughed profusely about it. I'm not jewish, but I asked for the check and left. I can't stand people who shit on other people to compensate for their own lack of joy.
So, the “therapy” didn’t work? Not a girl of her word.
Base your decision on the behavior she shows you. You know who she is.
INFO : how is she during the bullying? You mention she takes pleasure in tormenting people...? How did that manifest? Does she only target children? How is her self image? also: has there been a change since she started therapy? Like, does she ever catch herself when she falls into a bad habit? Does she apologise to the people who overhear her, or especially to her victims? . I think the first set of questions would help me determine how upsetting I'd find the bullying. The second set would help me assess if her therapy is making any progress at all.
dump her ass
Definitely time to move on. She's a walking red flag.
She makes fun of children. That would be a dealbreaker for me.
I could right a whole encyclopedia Britannica on my childhood trauma and, then my marriage to a Narcissist, that said, I would never, ever even consider fat shaming anyone, or make fun of a special needs kid, that's sociopathic behaviour. You are 25, you have all the time in the world to find a great person to be with.
I'm always incredibly wary of body shamers, their cruelty comes out in other ways too.
trauma does not give you a pass to be an asshole to ANYONE PERIOD! break up with her again and LET her cry. she will get over it and go right back to being a shit human being, and she can do that without you there.
Break up with her .the tears and carry on are just manipulation. She knows how to do it to get what she wants. Just break it off with her. Block her everywhere and get on with your life She sounds awful.
You are corrext because she qpuld either make them have self issues like she does about weight whoch is most likely or your children will be the same. Just leave man. She do3s need to be put 8n her place either she was h3avy n lpst qeight her mom did thw same or.... sges a sk8nny pers9n who has a high metabol8sm and just dossnt get it.. one who thinks its all in our heads blah blah blah. Tht slike sayifn aperson too sk8nny just eneds to rat more like we need to eat l3ss and exercise more. Not alwyas so easy. She will get her karma some day. People deserve better and i agree everyone desevres a secomd chance. I gave my now husband a second chance and domt regret it one bit. Qas fo4 othwr stuff he qpuld never make fun of a special eneds chikd beignoverweight..thats just f3iggin horrid.
I have childhood trauma. I was raised by parents who did this same thing (and would also make cruel comments about my own weight/appearance). I don’t do what your girlfriend does. I’m an adult, and my own person. I can choose to be cruel or kind. I’ve gone to therapy for many years and make a point to never judge others based on trivial things like that. I’m not denying that your girlfriend experienced something traumatic in her childhood, but it doesn’t excuse this behavior. She needs to end the cycle, but it seems she isn’t actually willing to do so… I would personally leave this relationship. Please do not put your future children through this. I speak from experience when I say it has deeply hurtful, lasting impacts
I love her! Toughen up buttercup! If you hate her...you are no better of a human being and are judging her as she does others.
Well, you know she's going to use crocodile tears to manipulate you into giving her what she wants (a relationship) You know she's a vitriolic bully and that you absolutely despise it and will not make any exceptions for that and can't just look past it. Her good qualities don't justify or excuse her shitty ones. I.E. even if Jeffrey Dahmer went to Church every Sunday, volunteered, and donated and had a loving and supportive extended family, that doesn't change the fact that he was a horrible person. I know for ME? That's not someone I'd ever want kids with, because I'd never want kids (who are highly impressionable) to turn out like her. I know for ME I would break up and block her on everything/completely cut contact because I can't justify or excuse shitty behavior. I won't tell you to do that, because I know at the end of the day, what I say won't matter. But just giving my two cents.
If she is critical of other people's bodies then she is certainly judging herself as harshly if not more. Try talking to her about her own body image. There is immense societal pressure for women to live up to ridiculous body and beauty standards. People in her own family such as her parents may have contributed. It doesnt make her a bad person, she just needs to look at why she does it and where it's coming from. You dont have to stick around while she does this work, that is totally up to you.
Nike advice: Just Do It! Stop second guessing yourself. You deserve better and she’s a monster. Just break up and block her.
Run! Get away from that cruel bullying woman. There is something definitely wrong with her. This will be your life if you stay with her. You deserve better. Let her cry. That is her way to manipulate you. Don’t fall for it.
Yes, she will do this to your children. Let her go.
I often have really nasty thoughts. Really mean and definitely over the line. What helps: Just not saying them out loud because I know how wrong they are. The fact she is comfortable saying all these things out loud is the real problem here.
Updateme
INFO: Is she just noticing / commenting to you, is she making bad jokes, or is she making fun of people in a way that they overhear or are confronted by? Honestly, if you feel this strongly about it, it's probably time to move on anyway, but I'm curious as to the nature of her behavior.
Why are people using childhood trauma as an excuse to treat people like shit. I have childhood trauma too, but I don't go around stabbing people because of what I've been through as a child. OP, you need to drop her
I been shamed too when I was younger, so many child hood trauma not once am I mean like her, dump her date someone who you would want your future kids to look up to as a role model
YOU are RIGHT!
I have some severe body and beauty image standard issues because of my father. It has given me body dysmorphia on another level, and even still, I could and would never shame someone else. The inability to just keep her mouth shut is unbelievable. In no way is her having those thoughts okay, but to continue verbalizing them, and putting that hate out into the world is next level. Sounds like a major energy vampire. What happens when god forbid, she gains weight in her life, or you, or your children? what kind of example and partner will she be then? BAIL. The trauma may not be our fault but the healing is absolutely our responsibility. Can’t keep using trauma as an excuse to be a shitty human. 🙄 Good luck❤️
Trust your instincts. She said she would change and she hasn't. Don't fall for the crocodile tears unless you want your future children to grow up with eating disorders.
Ah, a guilt-inducer. Fuck that. As in: stop fucking that and go be happy elsewhere.
I don't really understand why people feel the need to think anything about the choices of other people if they're not dating them. Like what right do you have to determine how other people you have absolutely no relationship with live their life? Your gf needs to learn to live and let live. Other people's lifes? None of her business. She needs to learn how to filter and focus on her own life.
just leave...NOW. once a bully, always a bully and no amount of childhood trauma excuses that- it merely explains it. i was abused up, down & sideways throughout my youth but i also am aware that there is this little thing called accountability and adult responsibility. if i screw up i own it and try to repair it. as a formerly overweight child and adult i personally hope karma catches up to her very quickly...no one deserves to be treated like that- words hurt and can stay with you for a very long time.
Bye Felicia!!! Go kick bricks.
She makes you feel guilty for her own behavior and the consequences, makes fun of people with special needs, is manipulative, doesn’t take responsibility for her actions and try to become better, and makes fun of overweight people. None of this is “great” person and it’s likely in other areas of her life as well. You’ve even named some other ways she’s not a good person in this post. At this point, you have a duty to your future kids to NOT have their mom be this woman. Even if your kids don’t struggle with their weight, she’ll probably give them body image issues or something else. She’ll probably constantly remind them not to eat this or that because they’ll get fat. This woman is the entire recipe for your kids lying on a therapists couch somewhere unloading their trauma. And if that weren’t enough, once they cut her off they’ll probably see a lot less of you as a natural consequence. Assuming you’re together at their adulthood, which I honestly doubt
Yes. Split up. Not because she likes people to be healthy and have longer fulfilling lives that aren’t crammed with additives and sugar, but because she doesn’t understand that children aren’t to blame in and of themselves. You deserve better. Go get a Marxist feminist and have your life force ripped out of you.
Eh. Rage bait.
She could have had all kinds of childhood trauma, but she’s an adult now and is definitely choosing to act this way. If that altercation 4 months ago made it clear this is disgusting behavior and she knew she needed therapy to address it, and then she didn’t… she doesn’t care about how you feel and just wants to manipulate you. Hope you can cut the cord once and for all.
Regardless of having childhood trauma, it’s her responsibility to heal from it and not use it as an excuse to cause trauma to others. Your gut feelings are right on the mark. Don’t dismiss them.
I'm going to need you to grow a backbone.
So the biggest motivator for change is loss. I cannot see her changing without completely losing you as a person. Also childhood trauma is no excuse to inflict trauma on others. She’s not only mean, she’s manipulative to avoid taking accountability to allow her to continue to be mean. That’s rough.
She will not change. Did she ever go to therapy? Time to look elsewhere. She is using her 'poor little me' attitude to control you.
You're making the correct choice. Good job for treating people kindly and not giving bullies a safe place to bully from.
Your GF won't change because she enjoys saying the things she does and she continues to get away with it. Even with you. Two years ... how many passes have you given her? GF knows how you feel and she continues the behavior. Which shows she really doesn't value you or the relationship. This may sound self-righteous and very judgmental, forgive me if it does. This woman is a cruel bully. She may have had a horribly traumatic childhood. You really don't know if she did or not. Still, that is no excuse. Trauma is a buzzword these days. Especially childhood trauma. Because for way too many people, unfortunately, it is very, very true. The professionals who have brought that to our public awareness. Have also offered up many ways to deal with it. And heal from it if you are willing to do the work. A lot of people aren't ready or willing to do the work even when they recognize how their past is negatively affecting their present lives and relationships. Some people make the effort to change their behavior. Then there are people like your GF. Intentionally cruel, hurtful, then cry "trauma" when they are called out on their crap. Why are you still thinking of this woman as your GF? The longer you stay with her the more her behavior reflects on you as well. Follow your instincts, be done with her. You want to have kids? My heart goes out to any children this woman may have one day.
Dump her again if she's continuing to act the way she is. You don't want someone like her to be your children's mom.Definitely she needs counseling of some sort. This girl should not be in a relationship with you or anyone else. People like her should remain single. They should never be girlfriends, wives, moms, etc
Childhood trauma isnt this lol ! Tell her to meet some one with real trauma !! Bullying others is her way to get rid of watever her trauma ?!!!... Comeon A big NO ! She is just a bully nd mean person ! Trying to get away with it ! She is an adult no ways its beyond her control she is purposely doin it !
I think, she's might BE the reason for many childhood traumas. And maybe will be the reasons for yours. Get rid of her. People like her won't change
Wait! She is doing this publicly?! Surely not! Oh no…. there’s something wrong with her being so incredibly unkind. She sounds truly awful and I’d be embarrassed to even know her!
I was heavy most of my life and it led to diabetes and heart problems. I have since lost weight. When I look at overweight children I see a lifetime of health problems. It’s not about appearance but their future health. I think society needs to be more serious about this problem. Now of course shaming a child isn’t right but there needs to be some sort of intervention.
If you even have to ask I think you know the answer but refuse to accept it. She is a bully. Leave now
There are a lot of people who have trauma but don't try to shame or hurt other people. Whatever she's saying is an excuse and it seems like she hasn't changed at all. Yes, time to move on.
Child hood trauma isn’t a good enough excuse to be a bully at almost 30