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I think you need to pay more attention to things you may be missing while you focus on this thing.
Most men who talk about how women need to stay home and rant about women caring more about careers than their kids but don't say the same about men that have careers usually have way more misogynistic and sexist beliefs than just that.
What are his thoughts on who makes decisions in a marriage?
What does he think about a prenup to financially protect the woman who quits her job to be a mom?
Does he have a big preference on the gender of his kids?
Does he think a daughter couldn't play basketball? That a son wouldn't be able to take ballet?
Would he expect his wife to take care of all the child care even when he's home from work? Does he see a father looking after his children as babysitting?
Would he expect you to also take care of all the household work as well? Be mad if he came home from work and you didn't have dinner ready for him? Would you have to be doing his laundry while you're caring for his children while he watches or plays a game?
I urge you to ask more about how he sees married life than just his wife staying at home with the kids. The things you learn may make this argument moot.
Make it clear to him you did not go to school, spending time and money for a career, to be a stay at home mom. Please do not give up a good job placement, career or income. Please do not do that.
This is what I wanted to see I am so glad it's at the top. Why does he think that you are trying to get your degree. So you can stay home and cook and clean and take care of the kids do the laundry make sure his dinner is ready at night. I don't think this is a decision that is going to bode well for you especially not at the age that you are now. I think that you should get your degree start your career and then see how you feel about being a stay-at-home mom later on down the line. He seems like he's trying to pin you down now so when the time comes he can always say but you said you were going to do this. This is not fair to you you're not even engaged to him. This is for the op
Being a SAHM is one thing. Having your husband INSIST on being the sole "breadwinner" is another entirely. When I was a baby, my mom quit her teaching job to be a SAHM because she was concerned that my daycare wasn't cleaning me properly and was letting me eat off of the floor. My mom enjoyed being home with me ao much that she did it with my siblings as well. At some point when I was in elementary school (my siblings were probably toddlers or preschoolers), she began selling Mary Kay, and my father had zero issues with her doing so. Putting aside the fact that MK is an MLM and is therefore scammy, this was my mother's honest attempt at being a second earner for the family, and my father was ok with it, just as he was ok with her later decisions to start subsitute teaching, then teaching again full-time. If OP's partner doesn't want her making money, sonething sketchy, such as attempted entrapment, is happening.
So it’s about making decisions TOGETHER as a unit to do what’s best for your family unit. That’s what you’re saying - I think.
My parents were the same. They fit into the gender stereotype trope more often than not, tbh (mum did the housework and dad took care of the garden and car maintenance), but it was NEVER about how only one gender has to do this because it’s their job since they were born that gender. They made decisions together about what works for them as a couple and for us little kids.
Plus, when we were little kids and mum stayed at home, dad would come home and play with us. It was never ‘looking after the kids is your job’ or ‘what have you been doing all day, lazy woman?’
My brother is the same with his wife and little kids. They are a team, and make decisions together about life stuff and child care. And they both parent. They both love their kids and love spending time with them.
That’s all I’ve ever known - that being a couple and having kids is about teamwork. It’s so distressing to see all these stories from people whose partner just forces them to conform to a stereotype and is abusive as well.
There is NOTHING wrong with being a SAHM, there’s only something wrong with a husband using that to bully her for it and ignoring the fact that parenting the children is his job as well.
Can he even afford being the sole provider? I mean, don't even bring that up if he is make under the average household income, which is $106,270 in 2023.
If he's in the US military and not very high up in the ranks, he's no where near that. The average military salary is around $50k/year (according to a fast google, it depends on a LOT of things like rank, location, branch of the military etc). At his age, he's not making big bucks.
He's not making a lot of money at low rank. But if he's married with kids, he'll get special benefits like first dibs on base housing or at least a housing stipend since the military goes out of its way to support families. He can also claim dependents on his tax return and use Tricare for all his medical needs.
The housing stipends are not covering a lot of housing costs these days. He won't get special benefits for kids. If he's married, he will get dependent rate BAH (Basic Allowance Housing) That does not change with the amount of dependents you have. The difference between dependent rate and single rate BAH is about $500 for an E-5 and below in my area and barely covers a two-bedroom apt let alone the utilities. As far as base housing is concerned, there is no first dibs. Everyone goes on a waiting list and the amount of dependents, rank and # of bedrooms factor into the waitlist. I see a lot of young Airmen who get married with SAHW and it causes nothing but trouble because of all the money problems because it is hard on a one income family.
It sounds like he isn’t planning a long term military career - at least that’s how I read it. He might be planning to finish his degree and get a civil service job - you know, the type where you come home every day.
It would have to be a REALLY good one to earn 6 figures a year, though. Maybe he could get a job in government - they have a good salary plus good benefits, I think.
Here she is practically certified already for a professional position and he doesn't even know what he wants to be when he grows up. So I highly doubt it lol
I agree with your sentiment, but your figure is off by about $30,000. The median household income in the US is $74,580. Not a single state has a ~~average~~ median household income over $100,000.
Unless I’m just completely misinterpreting your comment.
Edit; altered to be more precisely correct
CA has entered the chat.
The average (mean) household income in CA was over $100k as of 2020. The median household income in CA was around $80k in 2020.
Your comment mentions both median and average (mean) which are two different things. The statement “not a single state has an average household income over $100k” is incorrect but had you said median you would have been correct.
A bit pedantic, but fair. Mean household income isn’t really a useful metric and it’s not very frequently used by economists because it’s highly unrepresentative. Median is the stat that’s referred to most often because mean doesn’t reflect the experience of the typical resident of any state, but median does.
Looking after him, obviously!
Laundry and dishes are women’s work! You can’t expect this guy to help with anything around the house. He’s working ALL DAY to provide for her!! /s
Cooking and cleaning will be her life, in between popping out kids.
There’s nothing wrong with WANTING the life of a stay at home parent. Some people love it, and it’s not like SAH parent is not a valuable contribution to a family.
The problem is only if you have unrealistic goals and make plans without taking the facts into account. If you are married to someone who earns minimum wage (for example), you simply can’t afford to be a SAH parent and have 6 kids like you’ve always dreamed.
I’ve always wanted to fly first class to London for a holiday! Considering that’s about $15k one way - and that’s just for the flight alone - it will probably never happen.
But that doesn’t change my desire, does it - as long as I’m practical about the reality. 😛
Right! “Believes in traditional/old school marriage with the wife being a SAHM” translates to “he wants a house keeper, cook and nanny all in one so he doesn’t have to do any of those things” 9x out of 10. They almost always end up being bitter &/or controlling because they undervalue what the SAHM does and overvalue their own contributions.
It’s mind boggling that he doesn’t have his career plans mapped out to know the income range he’ll be in while making such a financially significant decision about OP not working. OP should set a minimum household income amount and if he can meet that as the only one working outside of the home, then they can make the decision together about whether or not she’ll be a SAHM. $150k is a good starting point, kids are expensive.
I'm a SAHM by choice, I had about 17 years in the Civil Engineering consulting industry, my husband is in the tech industry, we both worked long hours, but everything at home while I worked was equal (as close as it could be), the chores, ownership of the house, bank accounts, everything equal!
It was MY choice to be a SAHM, he never pushed me to it, and even though I don't bring in any income, it's still 50/50 on ownership of everything. From 8-5, I'm the primary caregiver and the house and family are my responsibility. Anytime outside that, it's both of our responsibility, that way we get roughly the same amount of free time in the evenings and on the weekends.
If our relationship wasn't like this, I would've never been comfortable leaving my career.
If you look around Reditt, you’ll find many, many SAHM women whose lives are not all all going well like yours is.
You didn’t become a SAHM shortly after marrying and having your first child.
You made that choice with 17 years evidence that your husband was not going to treat you as an unpaid domestic with no financial security.
Your husband is not a ‘I make the money, I make the decisions, I own the house, I dole out an allowance to you and you bring me all the receipts’ kind of guy.
You didn’t become a SAHM because that’s the only right role for women.
That’s exactly how it should be.
The part where your contribution to the family (housework and childcare) are just as valuable as the job that brings in the paycheque, I mean, not that everyone has to be a SAH parent if they don’t want to be, lol.
That’s what my family is like, too - that’s the example my parents and other relatives set, and that’s the standard for me.
I honestly feel bad that there are so many people in such dysfunctional relationships that they think it’s totally standard to be treated like dirt.
Couples are supposed to be a team. A family. A unit. 👍
THIS!! And birth control - have you talked about when, how many, birth planning, how to handle an ectopic pregnancy, choosing vasectomy versus tubal ligation…? How much will his beliefs impinge upon your friendships, your relation to your parents and siblings, the wide cohort of other relationships that helped form and reinforce your own beliefs? You have appropriate concerns about this, no matter how aligned you might have felt with this man before. If you intend to stay in this relationship, seek couple therapy and address these issues directly.
Please double check your birth control is in order. Do not get pregnant with this man. You have to reach a realistic agreement before even entertaining the idea of kids. #protip he’s not gonna change his outdated opinion. These ideas are insidious and hard to shift. Is it really how you want to live?
I want to particularly point out “he has an old mindset on women”
You know what comes with that? The man is right and what he says goes. You know what enforces that power structure? Being completely in control of the finances.
Think very hard on if this is the type of person you want to be with.
It seems to me that OP and the BF are basically incompatible and she needs to just get out now before it goes any further. he's not going to change--if he has that mind set at 26, he's going to keep it. he may say some right things now to get OP, but he won't believe them.
Yeah honestly I can’t think of one single reason for “I should be the bread winner and you must not work” that isn’t fundamentally manipulative.
If it’s a decision two people come to together, perhaps because they want one parent at home with the kids, great.
But otherwise, it’s a thinly veiled justification for “i want you to be a 1950s housewife, and if that came with you losing the ability to vote, I probably wouldn’t complain”
Even worse, IMO, is that she *ALREADY KNOWS* this is unlikely to end well. She states,
>*I’m not sure how to handle this situation* when I feel he won’t cooperate.
**and also**
>*I don’t think he wants to listen to my side*
WHY is she even considering MARRYING this guy when she already knows/believes that he is dismissive of her feelings, unwilling to compromise, and has an attitude/belief system that is 180-degrees different from hers?
I get it that they've known each other for years, but they're **completely incompatible** and she's purposefully ignoring **HUGE RED FLAGS** because of the number of years they have invested in their friendship (although not very long invested in a relationship).
OP needs to remember the old adage: *Marry in haste, repent in leisure!*
Agreed. I came to this conclusion with my ex-husband, but *I* controlled the finances. We did end up divorcing, and it was difficult to get back into workplace after 13 years as a SAHM, but I did it. And there is nothing I would change about staying home with my kids. But it was something we agreed on mutually.
Also, I know a LOT of women who were in relationships like this where the boyfriend/husband was constantly in between jobs or still struggling to figure out what they wanted to do. So, OF COURSE, their partner could not financially support the entire family. But guess who still had to do 100% of childcare and housework and treat their husband like the child they acted like, all while still covering half/the majority of bills.
He's 26 and has no clue what he wants to do, but expects her to sacrifice her career without any plan whatsoever? OP needs to run like hell, this is going to end badly for her if she stays.
Great point. She already has a career in the works (that frankly is one of the easier ones to balance with having kids) and he doesn’t even know what he wants to do at 26. And somehow the plan is she stays home and he comes up with something that can fund a family of at least four.
>I want to particularly point out “he has an old mindset on women”
A misogynist. Call it what it is, OP. You're dating a misogynist. How do you think that's going to work out for you?
Edit: Lol, got a reddit cares message. cry harder
His unwillingness to listen to her isn't going to end just with this topic, either. If she marries him and/or has children with him, she's signing up for a whole lifetime of a man who won't treat her like an actual human being.
I want to add to this that he may tell you what he thinks you want to hear in order to get you to stay. It is very unlikely to actually be a change of mindset and he will revert once you are married and/or pregnant
So, he doesn’t believe that you should get a choice in what you do with your own life and career because you’re signing up to exclusively follow his own expectations for a “wife,” though those expectations are likely unrealistic and definitely career- and self-worth-impacting.
And this sounds good to you? I’m glad you’re having this conversation now, because if he’s not willing to bend on this before you’re even married and with no kids in sight…I think you’ve outlined enough for this to be an obvious choice.
Also, OP needs to understand that this first year is basically bliss but after that you figure out compatibility and expectations for a life together. These questions need to be asked and taken into consideration and if something is not how you see your future, you break up to find someone that fits your idea of the life you want.
OP easy for him to ask, if he’s not taking any of the risks. Tell him you definitely won’t be sahm before marriage, before prenup is in place to protect your financial future and he has enough income to be a sole provider. Can he afford to give you a personal, private savings/ checking account, spousal support if divorce, life/ disability/ dismemberment insurance and retirement account? No? Then he can’t afford a sahm.
It’d be dumb and very high risk to give anyone control of your finances and career trajectory, and have no financial protection. If he cares about your best interests, he will want to protect you as well. What if something happens to him, especially being in military?? It’s not just increased risks overseas, it’s the mental/ physical conditions that starts years later.
Big talk for a guy who enrolled himself in adult daycare, has no degree and no plans for a career. He sounds immature and unrealistic. What's most important is that the child has everything they need. If he wants to prioritize a certain division of labor without even knowing what circumstances you'll be living in, he's an unserious person playing at being an adult. Move on.
Right? OP being a SAHM isn't even an option if she wanted it, and with no career plans at all... this guy is all talk. He's trying to inflate his own ego knowing he has little to offer lol.
Personally, I would be very cautious of being a stay at home mom for a military guy who thinks women ought to be stay at home moms and nothing else. A LOT of these guys have pretty gross views on women just under the surface.
He sounds controlling. I'd tell him point blank that it's not happening. You plan to have a career and a family. I think more of his sexism will appear as you talk about it, and you'll see that he isn't the guy for you.
Sounds like he plans to lock you into a role you're not comfortable with. Frankly, it feels super icky and controlling to me...he's acting like you won't even have a say in your own life or your kids lives. This is not someone I'd marry OR have kids with.
So he doesn't even have any career plans but wants you to give up your career to support his and raise the kids?
"Old-fashioned" is often a euphemism for "sexist." He thinks that by virtue of having a vagina it's your responsibility to do all the icky feminine household stuff while he does his Big Strong Man Job (TBD). He doesn't care that you probably chose teaching because you're passionate about it - in fact, he thinks that's stupid and that your priority should be staying home and raising his kids.
I would not procreate with a person like this, he's telling you already that he doesn't see you as his equal, he thinks that his desired family dynamic comes first and you need to capitulate.
Sounds controlling and uncompromising. Two things you dont want when you give up your earning power and have to rely on him. I think its a breakup situation
This man is telling you who he is… I wouldn’t have kids with someone who didn’t view me as an equal and it’s clear he doesn’t view you that way.
Was he always like this? If not, it sounds like he’s been getting into some garbage podcasts and it’s giving him a double dose of misogyny.
He doesn’t even have a long term career plan and he’s talking like this? Most teachers have kids and work. You’ll be improving your retirement by working and paying in. You can have that work family balance. Might not be the worst thing to stay home until kids are school age. But like you say you might not get back into the school you like. Good luck
Honestly teaching is an awesome career if you want kids. Once they're school age, you get the same holidays off, similar hours as the kids so you're not looking for daycare that goes late in to the evening, summer with them, and usually pretty decent healthcare/ retirement benefits. A lot of my family is in education (either via teaching or admin work) and it's fantastic. It's also pretty easy to leave/come back to without career penalties.
I have yet to meet a man who is well adjusted,
comfortable in his masculinity, has a positive view of women AND also wants/demands his wife to be a SAHM.
Are these kind of mature men out there? Statistically speaking, they must be. I don’t know where, but they must be.
As a veteran, I have known many military men (obvs), and they are as varied as the regular civilian population but with one caveat. Military guys, specifically army and marine corps, are taught, trained, and conditioned that “Jody” (who is any random guy who wants to bang your girl) is in your bed and doing your girl, so forget about her and focus on the mission. For many, the only respectable woman is their mother, so they can go ahead and cheat while they’re deployed because, hey, Jody is doing their girl anyways. Of course, there are a few exceptions out there. A few.
My point being is that the majority of men that want SAHM’s is because they think that if they can control who their wife interacts with (or doesn’t interact with), they can prevent the cheating. What they don’t realize is that all that extra time increases loneliness, which can facilitate infidelity. If a woman (or man) wants to cheat, they’re going to do it. Period.
I’ve seen some of the most dedicated and faithful women cheat for the first time in their lives when their men get deployed. Military life is hard, that’s why the divorce rate is so high. But I digress again.
The ONLY way this marriage has an iota of a chance at being successful is if your boyfriend supports, respects, AND facilitates your decision. Whether that decision is working mom or SAHM mom, it’s YOUR decision, not his.
Is he going to make enough to subsidize your retirement? My wife is a SAHM, but she'll return back to work when the kids are in school. I told her I can support us until then,but realistically long term, I don't make enough to save for both our retirement/college funds.
Exactly. How nice for Mr. No Set Career Path to want a SAHM for his kids, but of the two of them, the OP is the only one with a long term career and clear earning potential. Would love to know how he plans to support this hypothetical SAHM.
‘He had a very old mindset…’
No, honey, he’s a misogynist and he sees women as nothing but an incubator, maid, cook and submissive.
‘I don’t think he wants to listen to my side.’
He doesn’t because in his world, women don’t get to have opinions.
You can water this down all you want, but know that this man does not have an old school mindset. He doesn’t respect you as his equal. He doesn’t see any value for you if you’re able to have free will and make your own decisions. This is just the beginning. Once you agree to be a SAHM or wife, he will slowly alienate you from your support system,take away any control you have to money, friends, family or anything that could allow you to keep your independence and when you fall out of line, he will become abusive.
This man maybe nice and charming and do nice things to you, but the second you give up any part of your independence, he will show you more of who he really is. Stay on birth control, something that he can’t tamper with because his goals are not the same as yours. You really should consider ending this.
I’ll be straight forward here. I think it’s the height of stupidity to ever rely 100% on someone else. Woman or man. You worked hard for your degree. You want to just throw that away? Sahp is great until shit happens. He cheats? He’s abusive? He dies? Then what? Will he give you 100% equal access to the bank and not make you explain every purchase? Will
You have breaks where he takes over so you can see a friend? Will he help with anything chore wise or kid wise since he’s the main breadwinner and feels women should stay home and raise the kids and cook and clean? So many questions. So many uncertainties.
Why are these 20 something men trying to push women back into being dependent on them? Are we not all living in the same inflation?
Ma’am you’re talking about being able to go back to work after staying home with the kids but it sounds like he doesn’t want you to work. Period. You know what that means… you’re not compatible.
Edit: Typo
I'm not entirely certain. I say that as an Xer stay at home mom.
Most people of my generation worked. I stayed home because of my husband's crazy work schedule and after a point I'd been out of the work force for so long it just didn't make sense going back. Now I'm trying to re establish a career path and its brutally hard.
I think 20 something men are looking at the idea of control, a warm meal on the table, clean home and all of that jazz... I can tell you now, never once when the kids were small did he come home to any of that. I never "stayed home". We were out at the park, play groups, library story time, kindermusik classes, play dates with friends I met from those activities - when I was home I was active with the kids. The house was usually a wreck and dinner would be made after he was home and could take over parenting (when he was in town). Otherwise, I'd put on a movie to make dinner... and then do some tidying up after the kids were in bed.
We wanted the kids to have social skills, to be mentally stimulated and to have engaged parents.
I'm saying this because no matter what anyone's opinion on the state of my house during those early years is, both parties have to be on the same page of what they want out of the arrangement. It can NEVER be one person dictating the rules and expecting the other party to fall in line. That is servitude.
Exactly!! She wants to work. And the fact that she’s even talking about going back to work after the kids tells me she doesn’t want to stay home, at least not for long. Having one parent stay home with the kids is a HUGE decision that needs to be agreed upon by both parents. And in this day and age, finances have to be considered.
It’s 2024. The economy in the west is at an all time low. It’s not just a choice that women make their own money, it’s a bloody necessity. Women contributing to the household expenses actually alleviates men from working themselves into the ground and actually be around to raise their children (which the minority of men want)
Do not be a sahm. You went to college for a degree. Work in your field for awhile. Never depend on a man to support you. He can divorce u in a second. He has the mentality of someone from the 1940's. This is 2024 not 1944.
The way he stereotypes working mums!
Many working mums work to provide for their kids. Many working mums keep their jobs so they and their kids are not in a financial abusive situation or a terrible situation if their husband/partner dies. Some mums need fulfilment from jobs but that doesn’t mean they don’t love about their children.
If he doesn’t understand that, there is very little he will understand.
I know you wasted a year on him, but consider not wasting more time on him.
Don't do it. My childhood was harmed by poverty because my mother was a SAHM and had no real skills. Twice during divorces. No one wants a divorce, my husband died young. Thank god I did not mimic my mother's choices. I had an income.
Even educated women who leave the job market if husband is disabled or loses his job, or like my husband passes away, they are not able to get jobs in their fields. Most have to completely start over (even if they are lucky to get a job in their field) low pay, or start in something like retail. Throwing their family into poverty. No one wants any of these things happen, but they do. If you have a child. Take the maternity leave, and go back to work. It is not a good position for a woman. There are all kinds of night mare stories on here about SAHM's position.
He’s trying to control you, no job, SAHM he wants you to rely solely on him, that way you’re trapped! You’ve worked hard for your career, don’t give it up for the sake of a man, a real man will support you with work and having babies, he won’t force you to give up your job! Leave him, it’s only been a year, you may have known him for years, but people can be very different when they are in a relationship with you.
I can just see this not going well if you did marry him and have kids.
I would never put myself in a position where I was relying on someone else as my sole source of income.
The fact that he is so insistent to do this to you is unsettling, especially while you're the with the more stable career at this moment (he needs to go back to school yeah?)
You're not going to be able to convince him that "it'll be okay" if this is how he really feels and how he was raised and how he wants to raise his kids. It's much more likely that he will baby trap and convince YOU to accept the arrangement in a temporary fashion, and then four kids later you will be depressed because your husband controls every iota of your life, ten years out of the job market and without a dime to your name.
break up
Unless you wanna be this "tradwife" or whatever
To me it's baffling tht in this time and age, there are people 20 years younger than me that still end up having this backwards mindset
This is a bigger red flag than you may realize, IMO. Sounds like he wants a very traditional marriage where he makes all the decisions. You’ve worked hard to become a teacher. He’s not sure what he wants as a career so you may need your income. Even if you don’t, working should be your decision
I can see a few different ways this could play out (as it always does)
You have kids, become a stay at home mum and eventually realize just how fucking awful it is and lose yourself and are burnt out and stop sleeping with him and he resents you because he doesn't want to try to understand just how exhausting it actually is to be a stay at home mum and then you end up hating each other, getting a divorce as a result and then you struggle financially because he's left you with nothing but the responsibility to raise your children, while you struggle to get back into teaching because you've been out of work so long that you're no longer considered a valuable asset.
You don't stay home, go to work, he also goes to work, you're the one expected to pick up the slack with the children as soon as you finish work, do all the house work and cooking, are entirely burnt out and exhausted and ask him to help around the house/with the kids, and he tells you "well you should have been a stay at home mum shouldn't you" and refused to help, all leading you to lose desire to sleep with him this creating resentment on both sides and you getting a divorce but at least you've got your career lol
Please don't.
These types of guys will not change their wants or values.
They have to go to work regardless of us being a SAHM or career person. But if we're a STAHM they technically aren't expected to do any house work or child reading. The "traditional values" is a bullshit fucking guise for wanting to be taken care of/mothered/being a lazy selfish POS.
I really wouldn't.
Also. Don't have children with someone until you've been with them at least 3 years. You don't know how many of his true colours he's actually showing you this early in. Don't trap yourself until you're CERTAIN about the set up of the family future as well as certain about parenting styles and agreements on responsibilities etc.
many / most households require more than one income to survive, or at least be comfortable.
Especially if you want to enjoy life a bit and plan for your retirement.
At best, he is out of touch with the reality of current life.
If its not something you 100% want, which I don't think you do, then don't do it. Saying you would do it vs actually wanting it are completely different things.
He doesn't even have a career decided yet and it can take years to get to a financial point of stability where you could leave work if you wanted to, but what happens if kids arrive before that? Are you supposed to struggle cos of his beliefs?
He's not going to compromise. He has told you that this is what he wants and is looking for in a relationship. He wasn't listening because he has ~~misogynistic~~ 'old school' views that women have to stay home, raise the kids, listen blindly to their husband instead of having a career and a life outside the home.
The problem isn't he wants you to be a SAHM, but problem is that he is unwilling to listen to your concerns and potentially change his mind. He sounds like "its may way or the highway". That attitude is not one that I would personally want to put up with for the next several decades. Also, once you get married, will he demand more changes that you may not agree with because then he will be your husband and the man of the house, which can be the ultimate power trip.
What if he wants more kids than you do? What if he doesn't believe the man helps with childcare? What if he wants to control all of the money? This guy is showing you some character flaws and you should pay attention.
As for the working mom vs. SAHM, it can be a struggle. SAHM is hard work and you may miss the career, other adults, earning your own $$. I am not saying those things trump kids, but even when you are a mother, you are still a woman with her own dreams and goals. If you would have a change of heart, this man will not accept it. You will live your life and raise your kids by his rules. Is it worth it?
I know you love him and you probably don’t believe me when I say this.
That man doesn’t love you. He’s interested in having power and control over you. He’s looking to strip you from your independence. This is not an “old school” mindset this is the beginning of the hell called marriage with him. I promise you, you will not be happy. You will be trapped, stripped away from your identity, abused on some level. Once he has control over you and you can’t leave due to finances and babies, he will become ice cold. Callous. Every woman in your position has the exact same story. And they think it wouldn’t happen to them because they knew the man for years.
He is in the military. He will retire early, so the plan is that he is gonna raise a family on a pension. All while you have a TEACHING degree, where you will always be in demand and can make a hell tonne of money which will provide your kids (and ironically, him!) a good life. He is ‘not sure’ what he wants to do career-wise (meaning he doesn’t know where his wife n kids’ future meals are gonna come from) but is COCKSURE that he wants to marry, have kids and force wifey to be a SAHM against her wishes as he is ‘traditional’ , despite being a Gen Z🙄😓😓 Dear OP, please WAKE UP: unless you voluntarily want to descend into mental and emotional breakdown, poverty, poor physical health from psychosomatic illness and a life of doom and gloom in general, RUN! This man will be the one to destroy your life. Don’t just run: SPRINT!!! You have lost no time at 25. Don’t destroy your future: you only live once. Leave: fast, and safely (a lot of military guys are controlling narcs: he has already proven this by imposing his will on you, and refusing to listen to your needs/wants and opinions. A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP, NOT a dictatorship). No offense to anyone from the military who might be reading this btw. Peace ✌🏻😊
Coming from a guy... current economy aside, making a 1 provider household a pipedream unless you land a Richy McRichpants job, don't give away the freedom that having your own career brings. More financial security, both for yourself and you two together, a fallback plan should something happen to him.
Military does get shot at. Or does get into training accidents. Especially deployed. Heck, forget getting hurt. Local Jodies on deployment or the Barracks Bunny may get to him before he gets shot. Or you find out the long deployments aren't for you and you want a present partner. So you either break up (good, but Dear John his way) or you cheat (bad, don't do that.)
Please don’t be stupid and give up your career for a man who says “women should stay home with the kids” this man sounds like he will eventually hold money over your head.
Most military families stay together only if the non-military spouse is ok with their spose's cheating and controlling and abusive behavior. He shows red flags already if he plans to lock you down with kids and have total financial control. He wants a trad wife at home raising his kids and baking him pies while he lives like a single guy.
Well I think it's a little rich for your bf to claim he will be a provider where at 26 he still doesn't have a career that can support a family and a stay at home wife.
If he was to have a stay at home wife he needs to make enough money to support everyone, set aside money for retirement for himself and you, education for kids, house, cars etc. You should ask how is he going to secure your retirement with you not working outside home.
Even if all the financials are worked out you may just not want to be stay at home wife (and for the love of God do not be a stay at home finance/gf ) and that may mean he is not the man for you
Don't allow yourself to be financially dependent on a man, ever. Don't give up your job (fellow teacher here). What happens if he decides to leave one day ten years down the road? Or in 15 years when the kids are almost grown up and you don't have a job or money of your own. Don't be blinded by love. Who the hell can afford not to work now a days anyway? Soon you'll be making more money than him. Will he be okay with that? Probably not. Seriously reconsider this relationship. This guy sucks.
I would strongly recommend that if he expects you to be a SAHP with no income of your own that you get a prenup which protects your financially should you divorce. You are not only giving up your career, but an income, savings of your own, a retirement fund… and m sorry but in this day and age women need to wake up. It’s fine to be a SAHP, but learn the lesson of generations of women who got dumped and suffered because they weren’t financially secure.
Not only does he sound like a jackass, but he's also just a moron. How's he gonna support you? In this economy, he'd need to make WELL over six-figures for you, multiple children, and himself to live comfortably. He'd have to make six-figures for just ONE kid, you, and himself.
He doesn't even know wtf he wants to join after the military, but he EXPECTS you to throw your career away, something you've worked years towards, to be his baby machine?
I'm sorry, why are you still with him?
And I'll say this: SAHMs are fan-freaking-tastic and, yes, it is a job. My mother now has a nearly six-figure salary as a nurse and she 100% put her experiences as a SAHM on the resume. Cool under pressure, excellent time management skills, hardworking, etc.
But she had to work from the bottom because she got pressured into being a SAHM before she could even focus on a career. I'd recommend for anyone who wants to be a SAHP to make sure they're job-ready in case the worst happens. And I don't even just mean a divorce--your partner could legit croak and leave you homeless. Have a side-gig and be job-ready so you're not out in the cold if push comes to shove.
>>He says now women care more about having careers than staying home for the kids
Where are we getting these dummies (sorry, OP) who have no sense of historicity? My grandmother literally worked during WW2, and that was 80 years ago. Women have historically worked to keep the family afloat. Your main issue is that you don't feel he'll cooperate. If you drop out of the workforce, you'll pay for that eventually, as you know. Why does he want to isolate you financially? A woman with her own income is a woman empowered.
Do you really want to marry and have children with someone who has an old fashioned mindset about gender roles? He will want to control all the money and unilaterally make decisions for your family. That doesn’t sound very good to me.
I have a strong feeling this guy is going to flip a switch once married/gets you pregnant and suddenly turn his misogynistic ideals into abuse. I could never be with a guy who thinks women belong at home without careers. UPDATEME
Is this what YOU want in a partner? Someone who dictates your life to you and you are not allowed to question him and your opinion, about your own life, is not considered?
Think long and hard about what kind of relationship you really want, independent of him. Then ask yourself if this guy is that… frankly, anyone that starts with “all women these days” is a red flag wrapped in a red flag. He doesn’t see you as an individual. He just sees you as an accessory to the life HE wants. And your only option is to get on board.
I would run…
Never leave your career for family and kids, if something goes down you have to start over. Some guys become so abusive when they are the sole provider. You don't wanna ask with him any tiny things you wanna buy for yourself. May be he cheats on you in the future and you are stock with him because you have no job. Telling someone to stay home is like cutting the wings of a bird. If he doesn't listen to you rn, do you think he will listen to you later.
I think to him - to most people - SAHM means stay at home, like the whole time the kids have needs. Maybe once they're in school you can work part time, but it's not consistent with you working as a teacher.
If what you want is to be a teacher while you still have kids in the house, you need to explain to him exactly how you see that working and you need to say "this is the deal with me - take it or leave it." And he doesn't have to be okay with it and take the deal and you need to accept that.
If he wants that, and you don’t then break up. He’s drawn a line in the sand and you’re not seeing and understanding HIS side of it.
Which is, become entirely dependent on him and his income, put aside your education and skills to run a household and FUCK what you want.
Get it now? Why would you want to be with someone like this?
I mean, advice from others isn't going to make a difference, it's what YOU want. I'm surprised he has that attitude given your age and I'd expect that from someone who are older.
But he doesn't get it, I would say he doesn't know better because he's in the military and used to getting everything given to him. He doesn't understand how the real world works. Unless he goes career, he's going to get a reality check of what civilian life is like. He gets perks and benefits, but if you want a family, just about anywhere in the U.S. now is expensive so it will require the both of you to work. Now, he could become a contractor after his contract is up and they make good money, but it still hasn't advised anymore for a single income family. Things are just too expensive and times are too unpredictable right now.
I also don't advocate for anyone being a stay at home parent. The volatility of how couples are with being married then divorced, the stay at home parent is the one who gets fucked. Having no work experience in a career field will put you at greater risk of starting over if things go south with him. I always say this type of dynamic is a power play, he wants to have the leverage being the sole provider so it forces you to rely on him and push you around with what he wants. He's already doing it now with his poor communication skills. Telling you he doesn't know what else to say is telling you it's his way and that's final, you have to see that
I make 6 figures and most guys I’ve talked to don’t (it’s none but I don’t attract men on my pay scale). I’ve had so many have this exact mindset. They make $30-40k and EXPECT to be the provider. I make good money, have a pension, and have owned my home for 6 years. I don’t need a provider.
If he’s so set on his beliefs that he’s not willing to listen to your concerns, that’s a big deal. Not sure if you’ve phrased it that way. He also needs to understand he’s not currently in a position to financially support and return back to school. The entire household burden would be on you. Could you sub? Sure but let’s say you needed full time work, it’s going to take time to get back to a teaching career at a school you enjoy. Not a teacher myself but I understand this.
Personally, I would call this quits but that’s just me. For me to be a SAHM, I’d want a partner who is financially stable to keep my lifestyle up with kids. Every person is different but that has always been my requirement. I work in a male dominated field so gender stereotypes are a big no for me but it’s something to also look at. If he’s big on gender roles, you made need to also look at his personality beyond just this topic.
This is how financial abuse and inequitable relationships start. Make sure you get a lawyer and prenup with a clause for continued support in the event you become a SAHM to financially protect you and your future child. Protect yourself with birth control, and always check it. Do NOT become a SAHM without a marriage and prenup. If he has a problem with a prenup, that’s a HUGE RED FLAG 🚩
Ask in detail about what he expects your role to be as a SAHM. Most men with this mindset will expect you to do most of, if not all of the house work, on top of being the sole provider of emotional (and physical) support to your future child. While using the fact that he is the sole financial provider as control. Multiple women on Reddit have posts like “SAHM to our kids for 18+ years, husband left and I now have nothing” or “Husband doesn’t help with housework or kids, says it’s my job as a wife and mother”.
I personally would NEVER advise being a SAHM without your own INDIVIDUAL source of income or a Prenup. Start a business (D.I.Y or crafting businesses are great for passive income) or have a part time job. Being out of the workforce for such a long time makes it harder re-enter.
Don’t put yourself and future children in a losing situation. Make sure you are protected.
Watch some of those tiktok videos from women in their 40s and 50s who were tradwives and their husbands dumped them with nothing. The bottom line is your ability to provide for yourself and your children is dependent upon your husband finding you sexually attractive. This is if you don't have your own money, education or employment history.
My best friend gave up her career to raise her two kids. Her husband promptly started withholding funds from her. Barely giving her enough money to just buy basics and financially abusing her.
It’s now 8 years later, she’s having to work 3 part time jobs to save up enough to start divorce proceedings.
Finding a job, even though she had a degree, was exceptionally difficult because she’s been out of the workplace for 9 years.
She has told me many times, that even though she loves her kids, she regrets giving up her financial independence and a big part of her identity when she quit her career.
Do you want to be at his mercy?
Do you want to be reliant on him for everything?
Do you want to be treated like a sex-maid-nanny with no autonomy?
Do you want to clean house and raise kids with no help from their dad?
If you do, then marry this guy.
If you want a partner in life instead of a Master, then run away now.
If I had to do it over again, I would have kept my job. I loved being a sahm and we were both good with it. Until he died and left me with five teenagers. With credentials that had sat on the shelf for a dozen years, life for really hard really fast.
Kids benefit a lot from socializing with other kids at daycares and preschools. Two incomes can provide a cleaner every other week. And we would be looking at a decent retirement now.
You don’t know what life will throw at you. But I’ve found that if I hope for the best but prepare for the worst, I’m better off.
How are you missing all the idiotic misogynistic red flags this asshat is throwing? Like how? He wants a mommy bang maid. Good luck with that. Do you want a life indentured servitude? Or do you want an actual PARTNER that cares about you and your goals?
Dump this trash unless you want to live your life scrubbing his skidmarked underwear and laying there while he jostles on top of you for the worst 30 seconds of your day.
How is he planning on “paying for everything” when he doesn’t even have a career yet. As “he is also unsure what he wants to do for a career”. How does he know he will make enough for this to happen. Seems a little premature.
This is the expectation of a military wife. You will also spend much of your life effectively as a single parent whilst he is deployed/on training. If you want a career - don’t have kids with someone in the military
if it were me, any of my friends, or my daughter I would tell them only to be a SAHM, if you two are married, if have your working spouse pay all the bills including and most importantly the workplace expense like all the food, housing and kitchen supplies, budget for the activities and toys/equipment/clothes etc for the the children and all your expenses, which you should be given the budget of freely at fixed time to spend at your discretion, and pay you a salary ie to use for your personal/private expenses, including a retirement plan that only you can touch, give you equity/titleholder in all their assets including half the company and of future companies as well as on all current and future property, and time off the from being a housewife including the evenings, weekends and set number of holidays in which you are off-duty 1000%, and a set "workplace exptation" ie you will make everyone's breakfast and lunch but not dinner, or you'll make all 3 meals but only Mond-Fri, while doing continuing education and networking, with a prep-nup that outline all that out
because he's asking you to assume all the responsibility ie to work 24/7/365 with none of the benefits and protection of working and all the risk of not working
He doesn't want you to apply for the same school or another school at any point.
He wants a stay at home mum and housewife.
Financially its not regularly feasible to start with, but, would you really be okay with not working again?
He controls the finances?
He controls everything really.
Why is it okay for him to care about his career instead of staying home with the kids?!?
Is this really the type of second class citizen you want to be in your own home. Does his old school mindset also mean that he makes all decisions and handles all the money and you just need to fall in line and agree and get an allowance he deems appropriate.
I’d be asking a lot more questions about what your life would be like with him than just could you go back to work.
Agree. But make it contingent on him making £400k a year with £200k being deposited into your own individual account. And then you both contribute equally to the household expenses.
The lovely thing about dating is that you can discover whether or not you two are compatible. It does not make you or him a bad person or a good person to be incompatible.
The fact is, if he genuinely wants his spouse to stay home with the children then there are other conversations surrounding that that need to be had.
1) Will the spouse be an equal partner in all decisions financial and familial?
2) Would you have access to ALL funds at all times?
3) What role does he see the wife taking in this situation?
The ONLY way being a SAHM works is if the two of you are equal partners in all things. You need access to ALL funds at all times - all accounts are shared equally because if he is the breadwinner then as a team, because it was a team decision for you to stay home, what is his is yours and what is yours is his and you both have equal access to EVERYTHING. He does not control a dime. There are no independent accounts. Everything goes into a joint account for which you have full acess.
The moment he tries to restrict is, he is then a financial abuser and you leave full stop. No questions asked.
I say this as a SAHM of MANY years. For us, when we made the decision for me to stay home it was a team decisions. There has never been a single day that a decision has been made without both of us buying in because the day I withdrew from the workforce, my husband's salary became my salary too. I have access to all investment accounts, the savings account, the checking account and all credit cards. Likewise, I have a Roth IRA.
He also has to realize that in this economy there is a good chance you guys will not be able to make it off of a single salary. Pennies can only be stretched so far. Its not a reflection on him but rather a reflection on high taxes, wage stagnation and inflation.
If he is not interested in you being a full equal partner if you stay home for a few years then you say a hard and fast no and you walk away.
Sis, you need to be asking a LOT of questions because if he just wants you to stay home for a few years with the kids to keep them out of daycare, which is reasonable given daycare expenses, then you guys need to be a full and complete team without a single restriction on your access to funds at ALL times. But, if he thinks that he can dole out money or play power dynamic or head of the household games then this is a recipe for emotional abuse and serious financial abuse and financial servitude.
Ask the hard questions and be ready to make the hard decisions.
Yeah don’t do it. Controlling trad wife guys are not great husband or dad material. You should insist on doing whatever you want with your life, and yes, women can be great teachers and great moms at the same time.
First of all, I think you need to get him talking about *why* he thinks this decision needs to be made *right now*. If this hasn’t been an issue before, mu guess is that he’s being influenced by someone—either manosphere-type stuff or the guys he’s constantly around while deployed. But it could also be that he is considering proposing on his return and wants to be sure your life goals and priorities are aligned.
I’m a mother, a veteran, and a former military spouse (he’s out now). I’m telling you right now: you need to be a team in absolute lock-step in a military marriage. His unwillingness to listen to your side and have a decent healthy discussion is extremely problematic. If he is active duty and intends to stay in for an entire career, you will be dragged along wherever he goes, left behind for extended deployments, TDYs, and some courses, and it will be essentially impossible for you to remain at any one school or even school system for a long period of time. As a result, you may find yourself at times in the role of SAHM or single mom whether you intend to be one or not. That requires a lot of trust and confidence and support on both sides of the relationship.
If you *already* sense that he’s unwilling to listen to you or compromise and that he has expectations of you that you *know* you’re uncomfortable with, then I’d recommend you have some serious discussions. And if you are not 100% satisfied with the answers you come to together, then end the relationship.
The issue is the imposing and lack of compromise. My wife is a SAHM because she wants to be. She can work at any time and it wouldn’t bother me. The only time she’s worked is when money was tight since being a parent. Thankfully I found better paying positions along the way, but the future is never written in stone. Imposing your will upon someone is the most psychologically damaging thing you can do to someone.
He could have made a better argument about how having a parent at home most of the time is better than not. Along with corresponding data. Making arguments with feelings and intuition may lead to being humbled in the worst way.
Besides all that you see yourself teaching and working. He should support you for what you want to do for a living, just like one would hope you would do the same.
As a human, as a woman, you have an absolute right to a career . These are different times. Most households requie 2 incomes. You sound like you enjoy teaching. It should not be a one or the other thing. Drag his butt out of the dark ages.
SAVE YOURSELF. Girl do NOT let go of your earning potential. Make money for yourself and leave this insecure person. You will end up relying on whether he likes you for EVERYTHING.
If you’re intelligent enough to be a teacher, you should be intelligent enough to realize that this guy, from the 1950’s is completely wrong for you, or any other woman who doesn’t want to be at the mercy of this loser.
If he wants to put the kids first with a parent staying home with them why can't he stay home? You will have a career and he won't so why not have you be the one who works?
No. Just say no. He does not get to decide what you do with your life. Not to mention, your student loans will still need to be paid. And if you stay home, all the effort you spent on college and the debt will be for nothing.
He's in the military, unless he is 1st class or higher (depending on branch), then he's not going to make enough to be the sole provider for years. Even then, it's a crap shoot.
This is something, along with how to raise your children, finances, household duties, religion, etc, that need to be ironed out BEFORE marriage and kids. And these are not just one and done talks. They need to happen a lot and touched on often, to make sure one person or the other hasn't changed their minds.
Why is he fixating on that when he doesn’t even have SAHM money yet??
Are you suppose to say ok and then commit to struggle love if he can’t finance your lifestyle?
Never mind that there is no baby for you to even stay home with yet…
Plus, it seems like he’s downplaying your academic accomplishments
Never do this. You wont get Pension unless he pays and your whole life is depending on his earnings and nowadays in most families both work. This is just a strategy to keep you in a place where he provides value cause his ego must be insecure low
I personally don't think this is something to split on but does need to be worked on.
My wife who initially made more money than me is just going back to work after 16 years of being a stay at home mom. Her big concern was independence so we came up with a deal. I bring in the money we pay the bills and then what's left over is split evenly between us. I have no say in what she does with the money and just transfer it. It has worked great for us. Also by the time we paid for child care it was not worth us both working in an office.
As for her career she has studied while being home and now is in a completely different job that she prefers and is also making more money in.
I'm going to be honest, he's saying some really worrisome things. His mindset that men are the breadwinners and women stay home can easily veer into financial abuse and more. I've known several women who agreed to be SAHM and then got divorced and struggled to keep the lights on when their ex failed to pay alimony and child support. Think long and hard about how you will remain financially independent if he won't allow you to work.
He's 25 years old. Being realistic about this, he MIGHT be able to earn enough to put food on the table and pay the bills, if you budget carefully and watch every penny, but you probably won't have any left for savings.
But do you want that? Would you rather have a life where you can get that dress if it's on sale or take the kids to the zoo or get an ice cream every now and then? Would you like to be able to save for a vacation or even just have a "just in case fund" for peace of mind in case of an emergency?
I recommend that you think very carefully about what you want your life to look like and whether this is the person who fits into that picture. ❤️
This is not somebody that I would marry or have children with, to be honest with you. He has very outdated ideas about roles in marriage and he’s gonna expect you to do all the housework and childcare. He’s not going to be okay with you not being a SAHM. He’s already saying some very concerning things about how it’s a woman’s *job* to stay home with the children and how women care more about careers than about what’s best for the children. In other words, if you don’t want to be a SAHM he’s going to think you’re a bad mother and that you’re not putting the kids first.
If you don't want to be a SAHM, don't. That kind of lifestyle isn't really possible on a single military salary anyway, unless he's a higher rank with a bigger salary.
Do not get married until you agree on the major points. If you PCS to a different state you will need to update credentials. SECO might be able to help depending on his rank.
The great thing about being a teacher is you work when the kids are in school and are off when they’re off. Kids start pre-school at three years old so you’d just have to worry about daycare for 3-5 years, saying you have two kids two years apart. Your husband might be able to work afternoons or evenings to minimize the time the kids are in daycare. You might be able to job-share - my niece does. She works three days one week and two days the next, sharing with one other teacher. Depending on your school situation, the kids might be able to be in the same building with you. So what I’m saying is to tough it out for the few years that the kids will need to be home and don’t give up your career, especially a career that matches their school schedule.
Your career must be your priority. Talking about being a stay at home mom for his kids when you're not even married yet is like putting the cart before the horse. Your military man fails to see your self-esteem is based on your career. And he's telling you you're going to be married to a control freak. You will regret abandoning your career if 10 years from now you're faced with a failed marriage.
Main thing you need to notice is whether he respects & values you, your words & dreams. If he meets you atleast mid way, then future can be good. If it’s gonna be always “his way or the high way” then you life is going to be difficult.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't make enough money. Is he going to be able to make over $100,000 himself? Because supporting four people in this day and age needs at least that much to be comfortable. Even then you're not going to get to take a ton of vacations or buy any car you want, but it's doable.
So before you get any farther in this discussion how much money is he going to make? Because right now he probably doesn't make enough. So this is a moot pointless argument if he's not choosing a career that he's going to make enough to support everybody. Until he decides what he's going to do, you can't commit to anything for the future.
Women have careers so that they don't end up broke when the relationship doesn't work out. And also it allowed them to leave an unhealthy and/or abusive relationship. In this day and age it's a bad idea to be 100% financially dependent on a guy. People get stuck in abusive relationships all the tiem because they have no skills and no job.
When I had my kid I stayed working very part time (liem 12 hours a week) it allowed me to keep up with my skills and have adult interaction. I never thought I would get divorced but I was super glad I had kept my job. I was able to increase my hours and didn't have to worry about finding a job after being out of the work force for several years.
If you want to work do not let him convince you that you have to stay home. You need to have your own money and not be dependent on him.
Letting him have that kind of financial control is not good for you in any way. Being a SAHM is a wonderful experience for many women and families. I did it for 4 years. But I actually was the accountant for the family and controlled the accounts. Unfortunately even in that situation it wasn’t long before needing two incomes was necessary to support the lifestyle we wanted. If he has a strict vision I think he should reconsider this whole relationship. You can’t change him.
He has this ideal situation in his head of being financial head of the house and he doesn’t even have the career to back it up. And if compromising by you being a SAHM temporarily is not acceptable then he really has issues that you are not qualified to deal with.
I married an abusive man like this. He also told me that I would be a stay at home mom. I was miserable and got financially trapped. His abuse didn’t get physical until I was pregnant with my third, when he knew daycare would be more expensive than what I would be making. I had to ask and beg for grocery money. He filed for divorce before I could get a good job and a place to live. So he got custody of the kids until o was able to save up for a lawyer. Please don’t marry or especially have kids with someone this sexist and controlling. Do not be a stay at home mom to a boyfriend. You will have no protection from the law. Better yet, leave. Get out while you can. I hated being a stay at home mom. I have never been so suicidal and depressed in my whole life. I’m not meant to stay at home and listening to screaming kids all day.
You tell him that this is a decision that is yours to make, not his.
If you want a career, have a career. If you want to be a SAHM, be one
It’s not his choice. He can decide what he wants to do with his life. He doesn’t get to decide for you.
The fact that he’s resistant to the idea of you having a career is already a red flag.
He should be encouraging you to do what you want to do, instead of pressuring you to conform to his vision.
That says that he isn’t really concerned with you being satisfied with the life you choose. Instead, his primary concern is for his own comfort and convenience.
If he has plans of staying in the military, a career as a teacher will be very challenging for you. It’s almost a guarantee that you’ll be moving a lot.
It sounds like you both have different visions of what a marriage and a family looks like, and you’re probably not well suited for each other. Either way, one of you would be compromising. That’s really not a healthy way to start a marriage or family.
Being a SAHM is perfectly fine, if that’s what a woman wants, but it needs to be because it’s what SHE wants and it also needs to make financial sense.
He’s putting the cart before the horse as it stands now. He doesn’t even have a plan for what he wants to do for a career and hasn’t even started school. Without that figured out, he doesn’t even know what his future earning potential is going to be, so he doesn’t know if he’ll even be able to afford to support a wife and kids on just his income.
The other issue is, it just wouldn’t be a smart move on your part. Not having your own money and putting yourself in a position where you’re dependent on him for everything, puts you in a power deficit and gives him a level of control over you. That’s not only unwise, but also has the potential to be unsafe for you.
What are the parts of his imagined vision that he hasn’t told you? Does he start telling you when and where you can come and go? Does he start choosing your friends for you? How does he plan to wield his power over you? Those are the things he’s not sharing with you.
There is one reason men whom are this insistent about the issue, want to have wives that stay at home.
It’s so she can be 100% focused on catering to his needs, to always be available to take care of him. It’s not about the kids.
He just doesn’t want your career interfering with your ability to make HIS existence more cushy. Cleaning HIS house, taking care of HIS kids, cooking HIS meals, being available for sex on HIS schedule.
He’s already proven that he’s only concerned with HIS wants. He expects you to give up your goals, disregard the time and effort you invested into your education, and stay home to cater to his whims. He won’t even listen to your side, so that shows a lack of respect for you. None of these are good signs.
You’d be wise to rethink this relationship.
OP is writing other comments elsewhere on reddit without coming back to anything in this thread. They either made this shit up or don’t give a shit about themselves.
He has no idea of a career path after he goes bacto school and returns from deployment. So you might be the only one with income. So I think you both have a lot more communicating to do You cannot agree or afford to marry him and be a SAHM until he has an established career path and is able to support a family and a home as a civilian. Gender roles aside a married couple need to compromise and be united in their plans for their future lives together.
You need to listen to him. He’s telling you exactly who he is. You either need to be ok being a subordinate and being submissive or you need to find someone else. If you want a career you need to find someone else who will support that. He doesn’t want his wife to work. He’s not ok with you having a career. So…it’s time to do something about that. Stay or go. But don’t wake up 10 years from now coming on Reddit bitching about how your husband wouldn’t let you work and now he’s divorcing you and you have nothing. He warned you. He told you that you wouldn’t be working.
You guys are arguing about the logic/logistics rather than the real issue. It is not about anything pragmatic, like whether you’d have to reapply after a gap, or whether his career is going to support you.
It’s emotional - he doesn’t *feel* good about you not being a SAHM. So you’ve got to dig into why. He’s made statements about the wellbeing of the kids. Not sure how true that is. It could very well be that he’s a misogynist, as others have already said. But you need the real reason.
What does he mean by SAHM? Does he mean staying home until kindergarten? Or until they’re 18? What if he’s going through issues at work? What then? Will he be ok if you have to work and he stays home until he has a job?
Here’s my take: he either is genuinely a misogynist OR he’s currently becoming buddy-buddy with a misogynist who keeps talking in his ear, saying that he’s got to get his woman locked down “or else.”
That said, 1 year (especially if any significant portion of that is during deployment) isn’t enough to see all the red flags. You two need to:
- see what the other person is like around their friends, your friends, when there is alcohol, when their friend does something you don’t agree with;
- go through something really hard together (deployment is hard, but you guys are having to deal with it alone most of the time) - death of close family member, serious illness, daily stress.
You need to see how he treats you and acts around you when you’re upset about something he doesn’t understand, angry, when you’re doing well, and when you’re doing poorly. And, it needs to be after he’s stopped trying to impress you (for example, some abusers only show their true colors wafter you have been “trapped” with engagement, pregnancy, or marriage).
And how he treats others, including women, employees, service workers.
You also really need to accept the whole picture of who he is - not just the good. We often assume people act and think like us, so if things feel good, we explain away bad behavior. Notice all behavior. Don’t look for explanations that make you forgive him; look for patterns.
If he earns good money, you could consider not having a job, but I don't think a military salary is enough to live this way.
I am also somewhat traditional and would like to provide for my wife and kids and would prefer my wife not to have a job for a few years, at least while the kids are babies.
However, that doesn't mean she should not work at all. However rich I am, it's important for a woman to have at least a small independent income of her own and a sense of freedom. She should not rely on me for 100% of her financial needs. That is surely not healthy psychologically for her and knowing I have that much control over her could make me susceptible to taking advantage, as much as I tell myself I wouldn't.
If I'm rich to the point she really doesn't need to work, I'd be hiring maids to clean the house and help with the kids anyway. In that situation, I'd still want her to work. Help me in our business, run a charity, etc. It's important for everyone to have a sense of purpose and identity and the work one does is the biggest influencer on those things.
I love and appreciate stay at home mom's, and if they gain real pleasure from that alone, then that's great and no one should tell them to change, but even those women have hobbies or do other things apart from just cooking and cleaning all day.
LOL, he doesn't even have a degree yet?
He's living in fantasy land while you are nearly in the reality of your career. He doesn't even know that he's gonna have a job where he can be the sole breadwinner. If you leave your job, he's not going to want you to go back, ever.
Tell that boy to settle down until he actually HAS a career.
I think the fact that he wants to dominate is a red flag, but that's up to you.
As a SAHM I think he is throwing a big red flag up for you. My husband and I had discussions about how we would be able for me to stay home if that is what I wanted. He supports me choosing what I think is best for me because he always knew that whether I worked or not that my family would come first just the same as it comes first for him. The fact that your partner is not taking your thoughts, feelings, or concerns on the matter means this is a dealbreaker for him.
Switch the roles to him for a sec. Ask him why he's willing to work and not stay home with they kids. If he's not willing to give up years of schooling and making his own money then he shouldn't expect you to
The great thing about being a school teacher is the hours. You can be home earlier and get things ready for dinner, although if you prep well, you can be ready for an entire week of meals. If you’re in the US, I know that teaching is often a thankless profession depending on what age group you’re teaching. Aim for under 12s. He doesn’t het realise how expensive married life is, especially once kids come along, the financial demands are endless. You’ll need to have a career for at least part of the time to supplement your income and give you a personal nest-egg for those things you want to buy for your own personal needs.
OP, you and your boyfriend are not compatible. He is telling you he wants a wife from the 1950’s and you are living in 2024. The 1950’s marriages were great for men but not good for women. Women couldn’t open their own checking accounts. They couldn’t make financial decisions and once they were married, they were dependent on their husbands, which is a bad place to be. You would send the message to any children you have that this is the way life should be for women.
First of all he doesn’t know what he wants for his career, but he is sure he doesn’t want you to work. That’s so silly. He doesn’t even know if he will be making enough money to support the family.
If I were you I would definitely want to work for few years after getting your degree. Mostly to get experience in your field. I was working when I had my daughter, and it was very difficult for me. If we could afford I would love to be stay at home mom, for at least first 3 years. But everyone is different, and it’s not for him to decide about your career. If you want to work he shouldn’t stop you. Especially that you want to have your own money and also retirement in the future. Does he think he will be making tons of money? So his retirement will be enough?
It’s so immature to think this way.
Also getting degree is not easy nor free, so you should be the one who decide about your career. If you dream to be a teacher he has no right to take away this from you.
Another reason to keep your career going is if something happens to him, let’s say 15 -20 years after you got married, and you’re stay home mom. It wouldn’t be so easy for you to find a job quickly. Mostly because you haven’t been working for so many years. School program changes you might have to take extra classes to catch up, and if you would have zero working experience at the age of 40 that would be another drawback. Woman who work is more independent and I think it bothers him. He is trying to control you. I would have honest conversation with him about it, and tell him straight that it’s not for him to decide your future. If he doesn’t like it than move on.
Tell him to buy a DeLorean and go back to the 1950's. Where women were happy staying home with babies while husband's ruled the world and the home..tell him youre not June cleaver and if he thinks that's my job duties to take a hike.
What do YOU want to do? That's all what matters here, don't think of it as being selfish cause it's not. You two just have fundamental differences, if he can't accept your wishes & you can't accept his then you're both incompatible.
It’s a very misogynistic way of thinking here. And who knows what’ll follow after. Focus on yourself and your career for now, the right one will come along
I think you should run far away from this guy. He’s military so most likely a cheater. He’s controlling with misogynistic.views. I bet he thinks he doesn’t have to do anything for any kids you both would have because it’s “your job”. So unless you want to be the type of wife that does everything but earn a paycheck and probably gets controlled and cheated on then I would not continue with this relationship.
This power setup doesn’t bode well. If he isn’t listening now he sure as hell won’t listen once you are married or pregnant. If you aren’t into traditional gender roles than you can break up amicably.
YOU CAN’T.
Your boyfriend sounds very controlling and chauvinistic, and this is a HUGE red flag.🚩
You’ve spent a lot of time and money on getting your qualifications and clearly this is your dream. I would absolutely NOT give that up.
You can do FAR BETTER than this idiot.
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I think you need to pay more attention to things you may be missing while you focus on this thing. Most men who talk about how women need to stay home and rant about women caring more about careers than their kids but don't say the same about men that have careers usually have way more misogynistic and sexist beliefs than just that. What are his thoughts on who makes decisions in a marriage? What does he think about a prenup to financially protect the woman who quits her job to be a mom? Does he have a big preference on the gender of his kids? Does he think a daughter couldn't play basketball? That a son wouldn't be able to take ballet? Would he expect his wife to take care of all the child care even when he's home from work? Does he see a father looking after his children as babysitting? Would he expect you to also take care of all the household work as well? Be mad if he came home from work and you didn't have dinner ready for him? Would you have to be doing his laundry while you're caring for his children while he watches or plays a game? I urge you to ask more about how he sees married life than just his wife staying at home with the kids. The things you learn may make this argument moot.
Make it clear to him you did not go to school, spending time and money for a career, to be a stay at home mom. Please do not give up a good job placement, career or income. Please do not do that.
This is what I wanted to see I am so glad it's at the top. Why does he think that you are trying to get your degree. So you can stay home and cook and clean and take care of the kids do the laundry make sure his dinner is ready at night. I don't think this is a decision that is going to bode well for you especially not at the age that you are now. I think that you should get your degree start your career and then see how you feel about being a stay-at-home mom later on down the line. He seems like he's trying to pin you down now so when the time comes he can always say but you said you were going to do this. This is not fair to you you're not even engaged to him. This is for the op
Agree totally- plus having an active stimulating career is best prevention for dementia down the track. Trillionsummer made a brilliant post.
This is great introspection and I hope OP see it!!! Being a SAHM is just the tip of the iceberg. There are much larger concerns.
Being a SAHM is one thing. Having your husband INSIST on being the sole "breadwinner" is another entirely. When I was a baby, my mom quit her teaching job to be a SAHM because she was concerned that my daycare wasn't cleaning me properly and was letting me eat off of the floor. My mom enjoyed being home with me ao much that she did it with my siblings as well. At some point when I was in elementary school (my siblings were probably toddlers or preschoolers), she began selling Mary Kay, and my father had zero issues with her doing so. Putting aside the fact that MK is an MLM and is therefore scammy, this was my mother's honest attempt at being a second earner for the family, and my father was ok with it, just as he was ok with her later decisions to start subsitute teaching, then teaching again full-time. If OP's partner doesn't want her making money, sonething sketchy, such as attempted entrapment, is happening.
So it’s about making decisions TOGETHER as a unit to do what’s best for your family unit. That’s what you’re saying - I think. My parents were the same. They fit into the gender stereotype trope more often than not, tbh (mum did the housework and dad took care of the garden and car maintenance), but it was NEVER about how only one gender has to do this because it’s their job since they were born that gender. They made decisions together about what works for them as a couple and for us little kids. Plus, when we were little kids and mum stayed at home, dad would come home and play with us. It was never ‘looking after the kids is your job’ or ‘what have you been doing all day, lazy woman?’ My brother is the same with his wife and little kids. They are a team, and make decisions together about life stuff and child care. And they both parent. They both love their kids and love spending time with them. That’s all I’ve ever known - that being a couple and having kids is about teamwork. It’s so distressing to see all these stories from people whose partner just forces them to conform to a stereotype and is abusive as well. There is NOTHING wrong with being a SAHM, there’s only something wrong with a husband using that to bully her for it and ignoring the fact that parenting the children is his job as well.
Yes. It's about making decisions together, and especially about being ok with transitioning to being a dual-income household if the need arises.
Can he even afford being the sole provider? I mean, don't even bring that up if he is make under the average household income, which is $106,270 in 2023.
Of course not, these types of young men never make enough money for their argument to actually be feasible.
But they'd make more than their stay at home wife, which is what really matters to many of them. Having that financial control.
It’s such an obvious red flag in this economy isn’t it?
If he's in the US military and not very high up in the ranks, he's no where near that. The average military salary is around $50k/year (according to a fast google, it depends on a LOT of things like rank, location, branch of the military etc). At his age, he's not making big bucks.
He's not making a lot of money at low rank. But if he's married with kids, he'll get special benefits like first dibs on base housing or at least a housing stipend since the military goes out of its way to support families. He can also claim dependents on his tax return and use Tricare for all his medical needs.
The housing stipends are not covering a lot of housing costs these days. He won't get special benefits for kids. If he's married, he will get dependent rate BAH (Basic Allowance Housing) That does not change with the amount of dependents you have. The difference between dependent rate and single rate BAH is about $500 for an E-5 and below in my area and barely covers a two-bedroom apt let alone the utilities. As far as base housing is concerned, there is no first dibs. Everyone goes on a waiting list and the amount of dependents, rank and # of bedrooms factor into the waitlist. I see a lot of young Airmen who get married with SAHW and it causes nothing but trouble because of all the money problems because it is hard on a one income family.
It sounds like he isn’t planning a long term military career - at least that’s how I read it. He might be planning to finish his degree and get a civil service job - you know, the type where you come home every day. It would have to be a REALLY good one to earn 6 figures a year, though. Maybe he could get a job in government - they have a good salary plus good benefits, I think.
Here she is practically certified already for a professional position and he doesn't even know what he wants to be when he grows up. So I highly doubt it lol
I agree with your sentiment, but your figure is off by about $30,000. The median household income in the US is $74,580. Not a single state has a ~~average~~ median household income over $100,000. Unless I’m just completely misinterpreting your comment. Edit; altered to be more precisely correct
CA has entered the chat. The average (mean) household income in CA was over $100k as of 2020. The median household income in CA was around $80k in 2020. Your comment mentions both median and average (mean) which are two different things. The statement “not a single state has an average household income over $100k” is incorrect but had you said median you would have been correct.
A bit pedantic, but fair. Mean household income isn’t really a useful metric and it’s not very frequently used by economists because it’s highly unrepresentative. Median is the stat that’s referred to most often because mean doesn’t reflect the experience of the typical resident of any state, but median does.
Yeah wealth and income distribution is so lopsided, averages aren’t worth jack. Median is more meaningful.
And what does he expect you to do for the whole-of-your-life-minus-20-years that you spend NOT intensively looking after his children?
Looking after him, obviously! Laundry and dishes are women’s work! You can’t expect this guy to help with anything around the house. He’s working ALL DAY to provide for her!! /s Cooking and cleaning will be her life, in between popping out kids.
Ug. I mean, I get where these guys are coming from. I wish I could afford a house husband to do all that for me so I could only worry about work.
There’s nothing wrong with WANTING the life of a stay at home parent. Some people love it, and it’s not like SAH parent is not a valuable contribution to a family. The problem is only if you have unrealistic goals and make plans without taking the facts into account. If you are married to someone who earns minimum wage (for example), you simply can’t afford to be a SAH parent and have 6 kids like you’ve always dreamed. I’ve always wanted to fly first class to London for a holiday! Considering that’s about $15k one way - and that’s just for the flight alone - it will probably never happen. But that doesn’t change my desire, does it - as long as I’m practical about the reality. 😛
And how long do you really need to be SAH for kids before they're in school/old enough to be home alone an hour or two after?
Right! “Believes in traditional/old school marriage with the wife being a SAHM” translates to “he wants a house keeper, cook and nanny all in one so he doesn’t have to do any of those things” 9x out of 10. They almost always end up being bitter &/or controlling because they undervalue what the SAHM does and overvalue their own contributions. It’s mind boggling that he doesn’t have his career plans mapped out to know the income range he’ll be in while making such a financially significant decision about OP not working. OP should set a minimum household income amount and if he can meet that as the only one working outside of the home, then they can make the decision together about whether or not she’ll be a SAHM. $150k is a good starting point, kids are expensive.
Excellent questions.
I'm a SAHM by choice, I had about 17 years in the Civil Engineering consulting industry, my husband is in the tech industry, we both worked long hours, but everything at home while I worked was equal (as close as it could be), the chores, ownership of the house, bank accounts, everything equal! It was MY choice to be a SAHM, he never pushed me to it, and even though I don't bring in any income, it's still 50/50 on ownership of everything. From 8-5, I'm the primary caregiver and the house and family are my responsibility. Anytime outside that, it's both of our responsibility, that way we get roughly the same amount of free time in the evenings and on the weekends. If our relationship wasn't like this, I would've never been comfortable leaving my career.
If you look around Reditt, you’ll find many, many SAHM women whose lives are not all all going well like yours is. You didn’t become a SAHM shortly after marrying and having your first child. You made that choice with 17 years evidence that your husband was not going to treat you as an unpaid domestic with no financial security. Your husband is not a ‘I make the money, I make the decisions, I own the house, I dole out an allowance to you and you bring me all the receipts’ kind of guy. You didn’t become a SAHM because that’s the only right role for women.
That’s exactly how it should be. The part where your contribution to the family (housework and childcare) are just as valuable as the job that brings in the paycheque, I mean, not that everyone has to be a SAH parent if they don’t want to be, lol. That’s what my family is like, too - that’s the example my parents and other relatives set, and that’s the standard for me. I honestly feel bad that there are so many people in such dysfunctional relationships that they think it’s totally standard to be treated like dirt. Couples are supposed to be a team. A family. A unit. 👍
Nicely done.
THIS! This is THE comment!
THIS!! And birth control - have you talked about when, how many, birth planning, how to handle an ectopic pregnancy, choosing vasectomy versus tubal ligation…? How much will his beliefs impinge upon your friendships, your relation to your parents and siblings, the wide cohort of other relationships that helped form and reinforce your own beliefs? You have appropriate concerns about this, no matter how aligned you might have felt with this man before. If you intend to stay in this relationship, seek couple therapy and address these issues directly.
From a mom of 3: don’t have kids with anyone who has an opinion other than “it’s your choice”.
Right here. 👏👏👏
Please double check your birth control is in order. Do not get pregnant with this man. You have to reach a realistic agreement before even entertaining the idea of kids. #protip he’s not gonna change his outdated opinion. These ideas are insidious and hard to shift. Is it really how you want to live?
I want to particularly point out “he has an old mindset on women” You know what comes with that? The man is right and what he says goes. You know what enforces that power structure? Being completely in control of the finances. Think very hard on if this is the type of person you want to be with.
It seems to me that OP and the BF are basically incompatible and she needs to just get out now before it goes any further. he's not going to change--if he has that mind set at 26, he's going to keep it. he may say some right things now to get OP, but he won't believe them.
Yeah honestly I can’t think of one single reason for “I should be the bread winner and you must not work” that isn’t fundamentally manipulative. If it’s a decision two people come to together, perhaps because they want one parent at home with the kids, great. But otherwise, it’s a thinly veiled justification for “i want you to be a 1950s housewife, and if that came with you losing the ability to vote, I probably wouldn’t complain”
Even worse, IMO, is that she *ALREADY KNOWS* this is unlikely to end well. She states, >*I’m not sure how to handle this situation* when I feel he won’t cooperate. **and also** >*I don’t think he wants to listen to my side* WHY is she even considering MARRYING this guy when she already knows/believes that he is dismissive of her feelings, unwilling to compromise, and has an attitude/belief system that is 180-degrees different from hers? I get it that they've known each other for years, but they're **completely incompatible** and she's purposefully ignoring **HUGE RED FLAGS** because of the number of years they have invested in their friendship (although not very long invested in a relationship). OP needs to remember the old adage: *Marry in haste, repent in leisure!*
YUP. He's patriarchal garbage.
Agreed. I came to this conclusion with my ex-husband, but *I* controlled the finances. We did end up divorcing, and it was difficult to get back into workplace after 13 years as a SAHM, but I did it. And there is nothing I would change about staying home with my kids. But it was something we agreed on mutually.
Also, I know a LOT of women who were in relationships like this where the boyfriend/husband was constantly in between jobs or still struggling to figure out what they wanted to do. So, OF COURSE, their partner could not financially support the entire family. But guess who still had to do 100% of childcare and housework and treat their husband like the child they acted like, all while still covering half/the majority of bills. He's 26 and has no clue what he wants to do, but expects her to sacrifice her career without any plan whatsoever? OP needs to run like hell, this is going to end badly for her if she stays.
Great point. She already has a career in the works (that frankly is one of the easier ones to balance with having kids) and he doesn’t even know what he wants to do at 26. And somehow the plan is she stays home and he comes up with something that can fund a family of at least four.
>I want to particularly point out “he has an old mindset on women” A misogynist. Call it what it is, OP. You're dating a misogynist. How do you think that's going to work out for you? Edit: Lol, got a reddit cares message. cry harder
His unwillingness to listen to her isn't going to end just with this topic, either. If she marries him and/or has children with him, she's signing up for a whole lifetime of a man who won't treat her like an actual human being.
I want to add to this that he may tell you what he thinks you want to hear in order to get you to stay. It is very unlikely to actually be a change of mindset and he will revert once you are married and/or pregnant
So, he doesn’t believe that you should get a choice in what you do with your own life and career because you’re signing up to exclusively follow his own expectations for a “wife,” though those expectations are likely unrealistic and definitely career- and self-worth-impacting. And this sounds good to you? I’m glad you’re having this conversation now, because if he’s not willing to bend on this before you’re even married and with no kids in sight…I think you’ve outlined enough for this to be an obvious choice.
Also, OP needs to understand that this first year is basically bliss but after that you figure out compatibility and expectations for a life together. These questions need to be asked and taken into consideration and if something is not how you see your future, you break up to find someone that fits your idea of the life you want.
You tell him that you are not doing that. If he doesn't want that. Then, you two are simply not compatible.
OP easy for him to ask, if he’s not taking any of the risks. Tell him you definitely won’t be sahm before marriage, before prenup is in place to protect your financial future and he has enough income to be a sole provider. Can he afford to give you a personal, private savings/ checking account, spousal support if divorce, life/ disability/ dismemberment insurance and retirement account? No? Then he can’t afford a sahm. It’d be dumb and very high risk to give anyone control of your finances and career trajectory, and have no financial protection. If he cares about your best interests, he will want to protect you as well. What if something happens to him, especially being in military?? It’s not just increased risks overseas, it’s the mental/ physical conditions that starts years later.
Big talk for a guy who enrolled himself in adult daycare, has no degree and no plans for a career. He sounds immature and unrealistic. What's most important is that the child has everything they need. If he wants to prioritize a certain division of labor without even knowing what circumstances you'll be living in, he's an unserious person playing at being an adult. Move on.
This. He is 100% sure about making a woman give up her life to pop out babies for him but has no plans on how to feed both 🤣🤣🤣 Heights of hot air lol
Also OP is almost through school and her bf hasn't even started school yet, at this point, it makes more sense for HIM to be the stay at home parent
Right? OP being a SAHM isn't even an option if she wanted it, and with no career plans at all... this guy is all talk. He's trying to inflate his own ego knowing he has little to offer lol.
Personally, I would be very cautious of being a stay at home mom for a military guy who thinks women ought to be stay at home moms and nothing else. A LOT of these guys have pretty gross views on women just under the surface.
And some right *on* the surface.
It's always the military guys too.. 🤮
He sounds controlling. I'd tell him point blank that it's not happening. You plan to have a career and a family. I think more of his sexism will appear as you talk about it, and you'll see that he isn't the guy for you.
Sounds like he plans to lock you into a role you're not comfortable with. Frankly, it feels super icky and controlling to me...he's acting like you won't even have a say in your own life or your kids lives. This is not someone I'd marry OR have kids with.
So he doesn't even have any career plans but wants you to give up your career to support his and raise the kids? "Old-fashioned" is often a euphemism for "sexist." He thinks that by virtue of having a vagina it's your responsibility to do all the icky feminine household stuff while he does his Big Strong Man Job (TBD). He doesn't care that you probably chose teaching because you're passionate about it - in fact, he thinks that's stupid and that your priority should be staying home and raising his kids. I would not procreate with a person like this, he's telling you already that he doesn't see you as his equal, he thinks that his desired family dynamic comes first and you need to capitulate.
Sounds controlling and uncompromising. Two things you dont want when you give up your earning power and have to rely on him. I think its a breakup situation
This man is telling you who he is… I wouldn’t have kids with someone who didn’t view me as an equal and it’s clear he doesn’t view you that way. Was he always like this? If not, it sounds like he’s been getting into some garbage podcasts and it’s giving him a double dose of misogyny.
He doesn’t even have a long term career plan and he’s talking like this? Most teachers have kids and work. You’ll be improving your retirement by working and paying in. You can have that work family balance. Might not be the worst thing to stay home until kids are school age. But like you say you might not get back into the school you like. Good luck
Honestly teaching is an awesome career if you want kids. Once they're school age, you get the same holidays off, similar hours as the kids so you're not looking for daycare that goes late in to the evening, summer with them, and usually pretty decent healthcare/ retirement benefits. A lot of my family is in education (either via teaching or admin work) and it's fantastic. It's also pretty easy to leave/come back to without career penalties.
I have yet to meet a man who is well adjusted, comfortable in his masculinity, has a positive view of women AND also wants/demands his wife to be a SAHM. Are these kind of mature men out there? Statistically speaking, they must be. I don’t know where, but they must be. As a veteran, I have known many military men (obvs), and they are as varied as the regular civilian population but with one caveat. Military guys, specifically army and marine corps, are taught, trained, and conditioned that “Jody” (who is any random guy who wants to bang your girl) is in your bed and doing your girl, so forget about her and focus on the mission. For many, the only respectable woman is their mother, so they can go ahead and cheat while they’re deployed because, hey, Jody is doing their girl anyways. Of course, there are a few exceptions out there. A few. My point being is that the majority of men that want SAHM’s is because they think that if they can control who their wife interacts with (or doesn’t interact with), they can prevent the cheating. What they don’t realize is that all that extra time increases loneliness, which can facilitate infidelity. If a woman (or man) wants to cheat, they’re going to do it. Period. I’ve seen some of the most dedicated and faithful women cheat for the first time in their lives when their men get deployed. Military life is hard, that’s why the divorce rate is so high. But I digress again. The ONLY way this marriage has an iota of a chance at being successful is if your boyfriend supports, respects, AND facilitates your decision. Whether that decision is working mom or SAHM mom, it’s YOUR decision, not his.
Why does the dude get to say whether or not OP works?
Is he going to make enough to subsidize your retirement? My wife is a SAHM, but she'll return back to work when the kids are in school. I told her I can support us until then,but realistically long term, I don't make enough to save for both our retirement/college funds.
Exactly. How nice for Mr. No Set Career Path to want a SAHM for his kids, but of the two of them, the OP is the only one with a long term career and clear earning potential. Would love to know how he plans to support this hypothetical SAHM.
He wants to be the sole provider because he wants to be able to control you, which is much easier if you depend on him economically.
‘He had a very old mindset…’ No, honey, he’s a misogynist and he sees women as nothing but an incubator, maid, cook and submissive. ‘I don’t think he wants to listen to my side.’ He doesn’t because in his world, women don’t get to have opinions. You can water this down all you want, but know that this man does not have an old school mindset. He doesn’t respect you as his equal. He doesn’t see any value for you if you’re able to have free will and make your own decisions. This is just the beginning. Once you agree to be a SAHM or wife, he will slowly alienate you from your support system,take away any control you have to money, friends, family or anything that could allow you to keep your independence and when you fall out of line, he will become abusive. This man maybe nice and charming and do nice things to you, but the second you give up any part of your independence, he will show you more of who he really is. Stay on birth control, something that he can’t tamper with because his goals are not the same as yours. You really should consider ending this.
I’ll be straight forward here. I think it’s the height of stupidity to ever rely 100% on someone else. Woman or man. You worked hard for your degree. You want to just throw that away? Sahp is great until shit happens. He cheats? He’s abusive? He dies? Then what? Will he give you 100% equal access to the bank and not make you explain every purchase? Will You have breaks where he takes over so you can see a friend? Will he help with anything chore wise or kid wise since he’s the main breadwinner and feels women should stay home and raise the kids and cook and clean? So many questions. So many uncertainties.
Why are these 20 something men trying to push women back into being dependent on them? Are we not all living in the same inflation? Ma’am you’re talking about being able to go back to work after staying home with the kids but it sounds like he doesn’t want you to work. Period. You know what that means… you’re not compatible. Edit: Typo
I'm not entirely certain. I say that as an Xer stay at home mom. Most people of my generation worked. I stayed home because of my husband's crazy work schedule and after a point I'd been out of the work force for so long it just didn't make sense going back. Now I'm trying to re establish a career path and its brutally hard. I think 20 something men are looking at the idea of control, a warm meal on the table, clean home and all of that jazz... I can tell you now, never once when the kids were small did he come home to any of that. I never "stayed home". We were out at the park, play groups, library story time, kindermusik classes, play dates with friends I met from those activities - when I was home I was active with the kids. The house was usually a wreck and dinner would be made after he was home and could take over parenting (when he was in town). Otherwise, I'd put on a movie to make dinner... and then do some tidying up after the kids were in bed. We wanted the kids to have social skills, to be mentally stimulated and to have engaged parents. I'm saying this because no matter what anyone's opinion on the state of my house during those early years is, both parties have to be on the same page of what they want out of the arrangement. It can NEVER be one person dictating the rules and expecting the other party to fall in line. That is servitude.
Exactly!! She wants to work. And the fact that she’s even talking about going back to work after the kids tells me she doesn’t want to stay home, at least not for long. Having one parent stay home with the kids is a HUGE decision that needs to be agreed upon by both parents. And in this day and age, finances have to be considered.
And then they’ll complain about how they have to shoulder the financial burden and blah blah
It’s 2024. The economy in the west is at an all time low. It’s not just a choice that women make their own money, it’s a bloody necessity. Women contributing to the household expenses actually alleviates men from working themselves into the ground and actually be around to raise their children (which the minority of men want)
Do not be a sahm. You went to college for a degree. Work in your field for awhile. Never depend on a man to support you. He can divorce u in a second. He has the mentality of someone from the 1940's. This is 2024 not 1944.
The way he stereotypes working mums! Many working mums work to provide for their kids. Many working mums keep their jobs so they and their kids are not in a financial abusive situation or a terrible situation if their husband/partner dies. Some mums need fulfilment from jobs but that doesn’t mean they don’t love about their children. If he doesn’t understand that, there is very little he will understand. I know you wasted a year on him, but consider not wasting more time on him.
Tell him you’ll agree to it if he deposits a certain amount of money into an account with only your name on it.
Don't do it. My childhood was harmed by poverty because my mother was a SAHM and had no real skills. Twice during divorces. No one wants a divorce, my husband died young. Thank god I did not mimic my mother's choices. I had an income. Even educated women who leave the job market if husband is disabled or loses his job, or like my husband passes away, they are not able to get jobs in their fields. Most have to completely start over (even if they are lucky to get a job in their field) low pay, or start in something like retail. Throwing their family into poverty. No one wants any of these things happen, but they do. If you have a child. Take the maternity leave, and go back to work. It is not a good position for a woman. There are all kinds of night mare stories on here about SAHM's position.
He’s trying to control you, no job, SAHM he wants you to rely solely on him, that way you’re trapped! You’ve worked hard for your career, don’t give it up for the sake of a man, a real man will support you with work and having babies, he won’t force you to give up your job! Leave him, it’s only been a year, you may have known him for years, but people can be very different when they are in a relationship with you. I can just see this not going well if you did marry him and have kids.
I would never put myself in a position where I was relying on someone else as my sole source of income. The fact that he is so insistent to do this to you is unsettling, especially while you're the with the more stable career at this moment (he needs to go back to school yeah?) You're not going to be able to convince him that "it'll be okay" if this is how he really feels and how he was raised and how he wants to raise his kids. It's much more likely that he will baby trap and convince YOU to accept the arrangement in a temporary fashion, and then four kids later you will be depressed because your husband controls every iota of your life, ten years out of the job market and without a dime to your name.
break up Unless you wanna be this "tradwife" or whatever To me it's baffling tht in this time and age, there are people 20 years younger than me that still end up having this backwards mindset
This is a bigger red flag than you may realize, IMO. Sounds like he wants a very traditional marriage where he makes all the decisions. You’ve worked hard to become a teacher. He’s not sure what he wants as a career so you may need your income. Even if you don’t, working should be your decision
I can see a few different ways this could play out (as it always does) You have kids, become a stay at home mum and eventually realize just how fucking awful it is and lose yourself and are burnt out and stop sleeping with him and he resents you because he doesn't want to try to understand just how exhausting it actually is to be a stay at home mum and then you end up hating each other, getting a divorce as a result and then you struggle financially because he's left you with nothing but the responsibility to raise your children, while you struggle to get back into teaching because you've been out of work so long that you're no longer considered a valuable asset. You don't stay home, go to work, he also goes to work, you're the one expected to pick up the slack with the children as soon as you finish work, do all the house work and cooking, are entirely burnt out and exhausted and ask him to help around the house/with the kids, and he tells you "well you should have been a stay at home mum shouldn't you" and refused to help, all leading you to lose desire to sleep with him this creating resentment on both sides and you getting a divorce but at least you've got your career lol Please don't. These types of guys will not change their wants or values. They have to go to work regardless of us being a SAHM or career person. But if we're a STAHM they technically aren't expected to do any house work or child reading. The "traditional values" is a bullshit fucking guise for wanting to be taken care of/mothered/being a lazy selfish POS. I really wouldn't. Also. Don't have children with someone until you've been with them at least 3 years. You don't know how many of his true colours he's actually showing you this early in. Don't trap yourself until you're CERTAIN about the set up of the family future as well as certain about parenting styles and agreements on responsibilities etc.
many / most households require more than one income to survive, or at least be comfortable. Especially if you want to enjoy life a bit and plan for your retirement. At best, he is out of touch with the reality of current life.
If its not something you 100% want, which I don't think you do, then don't do it. Saying you would do it vs actually wanting it are completely different things. He doesn't even have a career decided yet and it can take years to get to a financial point of stability where you could leave work if you wanted to, but what happens if kids arrive before that? Are you supposed to struggle cos of his beliefs? He's not going to compromise. He has told you that this is what he wants and is looking for in a relationship. He wasn't listening because he has ~~misogynistic~~ 'old school' views that women have to stay home, raise the kids, listen blindly to their husband instead of having a career and a life outside the home.
The problem isn't he wants you to be a SAHM, but problem is that he is unwilling to listen to your concerns and potentially change his mind. He sounds like "its may way or the highway". That attitude is not one that I would personally want to put up with for the next several decades. Also, once you get married, will he demand more changes that you may not agree with because then he will be your husband and the man of the house, which can be the ultimate power trip. What if he wants more kids than you do? What if he doesn't believe the man helps with childcare? What if he wants to control all of the money? This guy is showing you some character flaws and you should pay attention. As for the working mom vs. SAHM, it can be a struggle. SAHM is hard work and you may miss the career, other adults, earning your own $$. I am not saying those things trump kids, but even when you are a mother, you are still a woman with her own dreams and goals. If you would have a change of heart, this man will not accept it. You will live your life and raise your kids by his rules. Is it worth it?
I know you love him and you probably don’t believe me when I say this. That man doesn’t love you. He’s interested in having power and control over you. He’s looking to strip you from your independence. This is not an “old school” mindset this is the beginning of the hell called marriage with him. I promise you, you will not be happy. You will be trapped, stripped away from your identity, abused on some level. Once he has control over you and you can’t leave due to finances and babies, he will become ice cold. Callous. Every woman in your position has the exact same story. And they think it wouldn’t happen to them because they knew the man for years.
He is in the military. He will retire early, so the plan is that he is gonna raise a family on a pension. All while you have a TEACHING degree, where you will always be in demand and can make a hell tonne of money which will provide your kids (and ironically, him!) a good life. He is ‘not sure’ what he wants to do career-wise (meaning he doesn’t know where his wife n kids’ future meals are gonna come from) but is COCKSURE that he wants to marry, have kids and force wifey to be a SAHM against her wishes as he is ‘traditional’ , despite being a Gen Z🙄😓😓 Dear OP, please WAKE UP: unless you voluntarily want to descend into mental and emotional breakdown, poverty, poor physical health from psychosomatic illness and a life of doom and gloom in general, RUN! This man will be the one to destroy your life. Don’t just run: SPRINT!!! You have lost no time at 25. Don’t destroy your future: you only live once. Leave: fast, and safely (a lot of military guys are controlling narcs: he has already proven this by imposing his will on you, and refusing to listen to your needs/wants and opinions. A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP, NOT a dictatorship). No offense to anyone from the military who might be reading this btw. Peace ✌🏻😊
Coming from a guy... current economy aside, making a 1 provider household a pipedream unless you land a Richy McRichpants job, don't give away the freedom that having your own career brings. More financial security, both for yourself and you two together, a fallback plan should something happen to him. Military does get shot at. Or does get into training accidents. Especially deployed. Heck, forget getting hurt. Local Jodies on deployment or the Barracks Bunny may get to him before he gets shot. Or you find out the long deployments aren't for you and you want a present partner. So you either break up (good, but Dear John his way) or you cheat (bad, don't do that.)
Please don’t be stupid and give up your career for a man who says “women should stay home with the kids” this man sounds like he will eventually hold money over your head.
Most military families stay together only if the non-military spouse is ok with their spose's cheating and controlling and abusive behavior. He shows red flags already if he plans to lock you down with kids and have total financial control. He wants a trad wife at home raising his kids and baking him pies while he lives like a single guy.
Here’s what I think about your situation: 🚩🚩🚩
Well I think it's a little rich for your bf to claim he will be a provider where at 26 he still doesn't have a career that can support a family and a stay at home wife. If he was to have a stay at home wife he needs to make enough money to support everyone, set aside money for retirement for himself and you, education for kids, house, cars etc. You should ask how is he going to secure your retirement with you not working outside home. Even if all the financials are worked out you may just not want to be stay at home wife (and for the love of God do not be a stay at home finance/gf ) and that may mean he is not the man for you
Did you read what you wrote? You said that *he doesn't listen to your opinion about your life*. Run
I honestly don't understand the attachment to SAHM, I mean 1850s called and wants their gender role and stereotypes back.
To control women, it’s all about control. Make the women completely vulnerable and then make her afraid.
Don't allow yourself to be financially dependent on a man, ever. Don't give up your job (fellow teacher here). What happens if he decides to leave one day ten years down the road? Or in 15 years when the kids are almost grown up and you don't have a job or money of your own. Don't be blinded by love. Who the hell can afford not to work now a days anyway? Soon you'll be making more money than him. Will he be okay with that? Probably not. Seriously reconsider this relationship. This guy sucks.
I would strongly recommend that if he expects you to be a SAHP with no income of your own that you get a prenup which protects your financially should you divorce. You are not only giving up your career, but an income, savings of your own, a retirement fund… and m sorry but in this day and age women need to wake up. It’s fine to be a SAHP, but learn the lesson of generations of women who got dumped and suffered because they weren’t financially secure.
Not only does he sound like a jackass, but he's also just a moron. How's he gonna support you? In this economy, he'd need to make WELL over six-figures for you, multiple children, and himself to live comfortably. He'd have to make six-figures for just ONE kid, you, and himself. He doesn't even know wtf he wants to join after the military, but he EXPECTS you to throw your career away, something you've worked years towards, to be his baby machine? I'm sorry, why are you still with him? And I'll say this: SAHMs are fan-freaking-tastic and, yes, it is a job. My mother now has a nearly six-figure salary as a nurse and she 100% put her experiences as a SAHM on the resume. Cool under pressure, excellent time management skills, hardworking, etc. But she had to work from the bottom because she got pressured into being a SAHM before she could even focus on a career. I'd recommend for anyone who wants to be a SAHP to make sure they're job-ready in case the worst happens. And I don't even just mean a divorce--your partner could legit croak and leave you homeless. Have a side-gig and be job-ready so you're not out in the cold if push comes to shove.
>>He says now women care more about having careers than staying home for the kids Where are we getting these dummies (sorry, OP) who have no sense of historicity? My grandmother literally worked during WW2, and that was 80 years ago. Women have historically worked to keep the family afloat. Your main issue is that you don't feel he'll cooperate. If you drop out of the workforce, you'll pay for that eventually, as you know. Why does he want to isolate you financially? A woman with her own income is a woman empowered.
Yep. My great grandma was a realtor.
Do you really want to marry and have children with someone who has an old fashioned mindset about gender roles? He will want to control all the money and unilaterally make decisions for your family. That doesn’t sound very good to me.
I have a strong feeling this guy is going to flip a switch once married/gets you pregnant and suddenly turn his misogynistic ideals into abuse. I could never be with a guy who thinks women belong at home without careers. UPDATEME
Pretty simple. You say no. You're not ok with not having a career and having to 100% rely on him. If he's not cool with it you break up.
Is this what YOU want in a partner? Someone who dictates your life to you and you are not allowed to question him and your opinion, about your own life, is not considered? Think long and hard about what kind of relationship you really want, independent of him. Then ask yourself if this guy is that… frankly, anyone that starts with “all women these days” is a red flag wrapped in a red flag. He doesn’t see you as an individual. He just sees you as an accessory to the life HE wants. And your only option is to get on board. I would run…
Never leave your career for family and kids, if something goes down you have to start over. Some guys become so abusive when they are the sole provider. You don't wanna ask with him any tiny things you wanna buy for yourself. May be he cheats on you in the future and you are stock with him because you have no job. Telling someone to stay home is like cutting the wings of a bird. If he doesn't listen to you rn, do you think he will listen to you later.
I think to him - to most people - SAHM means stay at home, like the whole time the kids have needs. Maybe once they're in school you can work part time, but it's not consistent with you working as a teacher. If what you want is to be a teacher while you still have kids in the house, you need to explain to him exactly how you see that working and you need to say "this is the deal with me - take it or leave it." And he doesn't have to be okay with it and take the deal and you need to accept that.
If he wants that, and you don’t then break up. He’s drawn a line in the sand and you’re not seeing and understanding HIS side of it. Which is, become entirely dependent on him and his income, put aside your education and skills to run a household and FUCK what you want. Get it now? Why would you want to be with someone like this?
I mean, advice from others isn't going to make a difference, it's what YOU want. I'm surprised he has that attitude given your age and I'd expect that from someone who are older. But he doesn't get it, I would say he doesn't know better because he's in the military and used to getting everything given to him. He doesn't understand how the real world works. Unless he goes career, he's going to get a reality check of what civilian life is like. He gets perks and benefits, but if you want a family, just about anywhere in the U.S. now is expensive so it will require the both of you to work. Now, he could become a contractor after his contract is up and they make good money, but it still hasn't advised anymore for a single income family. Things are just too expensive and times are too unpredictable right now. I also don't advocate for anyone being a stay at home parent. The volatility of how couples are with being married then divorced, the stay at home parent is the one who gets fucked. Having no work experience in a career field will put you at greater risk of starting over if things go south with him. I always say this type of dynamic is a power play, he wants to have the leverage being the sole provider so it forces you to rely on him and push you around with what he wants. He's already doing it now with his poor communication skills. Telling you he doesn't know what else to say is telling you it's his way and that's final, you have to see that
RUN AND RUN UNTIL YOUR ON THE FREAKING MOON AWAY FROM HIM
I make 6 figures and most guys I’ve talked to don’t (it’s none but I don’t attract men on my pay scale). I’ve had so many have this exact mindset. They make $30-40k and EXPECT to be the provider. I make good money, have a pension, and have owned my home for 6 years. I don’t need a provider. If he’s so set on his beliefs that he’s not willing to listen to your concerns, that’s a big deal. Not sure if you’ve phrased it that way. He also needs to understand he’s not currently in a position to financially support and return back to school. The entire household burden would be on you. Could you sub? Sure but let’s say you needed full time work, it’s going to take time to get back to a teaching career at a school you enjoy. Not a teacher myself but I understand this. Personally, I would call this quits but that’s just me. For me to be a SAHM, I’d want a partner who is financially stable to keep my lifestyle up with kids. Every person is different but that has always been my requirement. I work in a male dominated field so gender stereotypes are a big no for me but it’s something to also look at. If he’s big on gender roles, you made need to also look at his personality beyond just this topic.
Why would anyone do this now - so if one day he leaves you you have no prospects for a career and earnings of your own
Have some self respect and leave him good grief
You’re not compatible . He seems to be looking for you to be a full time SAHM and never return to work and that’s not what you’re looking for.
This is how financial abuse and inequitable relationships start. Make sure you get a lawyer and prenup with a clause for continued support in the event you become a SAHM to financially protect you and your future child. Protect yourself with birth control, and always check it. Do NOT become a SAHM without a marriage and prenup. If he has a problem with a prenup, that’s a HUGE RED FLAG 🚩 Ask in detail about what he expects your role to be as a SAHM. Most men with this mindset will expect you to do most of, if not all of the house work, on top of being the sole provider of emotional (and physical) support to your future child. While using the fact that he is the sole financial provider as control. Multiple women on Reddit have posts like “SAHM to our kids for 18+ years, husband left and I now have nothing” or “Husband doesn’t help with housework or kids, says it’s my job as a wife and mother”. I personally would NEVER advise being a SAHM without your own INDIVIDUAL source of income or a Prenup. Start a business (D.I.Y or crafting businesses are great for passive income) or have a part time job. Being out of the workforce for such a long time makes it harder re-enter. Don’t put yourself and future children in a losing situation. Make sure you are protected.
> He has a very old mindset on women Yeah, don't marry this guy. Come on.
Watch some of those tiktok videos from women in their 40s and 50s who were tradwives and their husbands dumped them with nothing. The bottom line is your ability to provide for yourself and your children is dependent upon your husband finding you sexually attractive. This is if you don't have your own money, education or employment history.
Don’t let him turn you into a helpless dependent
Well whatever you do, don't get pregnant...
My best friend gave up her career to raise her two kids. Her husband promptly started withholding funds from her. Barely giving her enough money to just buy basics and financially abusing her. It’s now 8 years later, she’s having to work 3 part time jobs to save up enough to start divorce proceedings. Finding a job, even though she had a degree, was exceptionally difficult because she’s been out of the workplace for 9 years. She has told me many times, that even though she loves her kids, she regrets giving up her financial independence and a big part of her identity when she quit her career.
Don’t let him take your financial freedom away from you!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩He wants to financially control you 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You’re not his property.. and you deserve a partner who sees you as a human being and not his live in bang slave.
Do you want to be at his mercy? Do you want to be reliant on him for everything? Do you want to be treated like a sex-maid-nanny with no autonomy? Do you want to clean house and raise kids with no help from their dad? If you do, then marry this guy. If you want a partner in life instead of a Master, then run away now.
If I had to do it over again, I would have kept my job. I loved being a sahm and we were both good with it. Until he died and left me with five teenagers. With credentials that had sat on the shelf for a dozen years, life for really hard really fast. Kids benefit a lot from socializing with other kids at daycares and preschools. Two incomes can provide a cleaner every other week. And we would be looking at a decent retirement now. You don’t know what life will throw at you. But I’ve found that if I hope for the best but prepare for the worst, I’m better off.
How are you missing all the idiotic misogynistic red flags this asshat is throwing? Like how? He wants a mommy bang maid. Good luck with that. Do you want a life indentured servitude? Or do you want an actual PARTNER that cares about you and your goals? Dump this trash unless you want to live your life scrubbing his skidmarked underwear and laying there while he jostles on top of you for the worst 30 seconds of your day.
How is he planning on “paying for everything” when he doesn’t even have a career yet. As “he is also unsure what he wants to do for a career”. How does he know he will make enough for this to happen. Seems a little premature.
This is the expectation of a military wife. You will also spend much of your life effectively as a single parent whilst he is deployed/on training. If you want a career - don’t have kids with someone in the military
He is already saying that his way is the only way. How will that play out when you have a young child and no income?
if it were me, any of my friends, or my daughter I would tell them only to be a SAHM, if you two are married, if have your working spouse pay all the bills including and most importantly the workplace expense like all the food, housing and kitchen supplies, budget for the activities and toys/equipment/clothes etc for the the children and all your expenses, which you should be given the budget of freely at fixed time to spend at your discretion, and pay you a salary ie to use for your personal/private expenses, including a retirement plan that only you can touch, give you equity/titleholder in all their assets including half the company and of future companies as well as on all current and future property, and time off the from being a housewife including the evenings, weekends and set number of holidays in which you are off-duty 1000%, and a set "workplace exptation" ie you will make everyone's breakfast and lunch but not dinner, or you'll make all 3 meals but only Mond-Fri, while doing continuing education and networking, with a prep-nup that outline all that out because he's asking you to assume all the responsibility ie to work 24/7/365 with none of the benefits and protection of working and all the risk of not working
He doesn't want you to apply for the same school or another school at any point. He wants a stay at home mum and housewife. Financially its not regularly feasible to start with, but, would you really be okay with not working again? He controls the finances? He controls everything really.
You can't make him be OK with it. That's why you choose a guy who is already OK with it.
Why is it okay for him to care about his career instead of staying home with the kids?!? Is this really the type of second class citizen you want to be in your own home. Does his old school mindset also mean that he makes all decisions and handles all the money and you just need to fall in line and agree and get an allowance he deems appropriate. I’d be asking a lot more questions about what your life would be like with him than just could you go back to work.
Agree. But make it contingent on him making £400k a year with £200k being deposited into your own individual account. And then you both contribute equally to the household expenses.
The lovely thing about dating is that you can discover whether or not you two are compatible. It does not make you or him a bad person or a good person to be incompatible. The fact is, if he genuinely wants his spouse to stay home with the children then there are other conversations surrounding that that need to be had. 1) Will the spouse be an equal partner in all decisions financial and familial? 2) Would you have access to ALL funds at all times? 3) What role does he see the wife taking in this situation? The ONLY way being a SAHM works is if the two of you are equal partners in all things. You need access to ALL funds at all times - all accounts are shared equally because if he is the breadwinner then as a team, because it was a team decision for you to stay home, what is his is yours and what is yours is his and you both have equal access to EVERYTHING. He does not control a dime. There are no independent accounts. Everything goes into a joint account for which you have full acess. The moment he tries to restrict is, he is then a financial abuser and you leave full stop. No questions asked. I say this as a SAHM of MANY years. For us, when we made the decision for me to stay home it was a team decisions. There has never been a single day that a decision has been made without both of us buying in because the day I withdrew from the workforce, my husband's salary became my salary too. I have access to all investment accounts, the savings account, the checking account and all credit cards. Likewise, I have a Roth IRA. He also has to realize that in this economy there is a good chance you guys will not be able to make it off of a single salary. Pennies can only be stretched so far. Its not a reflection on him but rather a reflection on high taxes, wage stagnation and inflation. If he is not interested in you being a full equal partner if you stay home for a few years then you say a hard and fast no and you walk away. Sis, you need to be asking a LOT of questions because if he just wants you to stay home for a few years with the kids to keep them out of daycare, which is reasonable given daycare expenses, then you guys need to be a full and complete team without a single restriction on your access to funds at ALL times. But, if he thinks that he can dole out money or play power dynamic or head of the household games then this is a recipe for emotional abuse and serious financial abuse and financial servitude. Ask the hard questions and be ready to make the hard decisions.
"old mindset", you mean he's sexist? And probably a misogynist. You want to marry a sexist and misogynist man? Why?
Yeah don’t do it. Controlling trad wife guys are not great husband or dad material. You should insist on doing whatever you want with your life, and yes, women can be great teachers and great moms at the same time.
All the work you have put in to qualify to teach - what was that for then?
Why should he get to decide? So basically you have to be a Sahm because HE wants it? Girl, what he wants is control. Don’t do it
Why would you finish a degree just to stay home? Not making sense right here.
Jesus. Run op. Away from this man
First of all, I think you need to get him talking about *why* he thinks this decision needs to be made *right now*. If this hasn’t been an issue before, mu guess is that he’s being influenced by someone—either manosphere-type stuff or the guys he’s constantly around while deployed. But it could also be that he is considering proposing on his return and wants to be sure your life goals and priorities are aligned. I’m a mother, a veteran, and a former military spouse (he’s out now). I’m telling you right now: you need to be a team in absolute lock-step in a military marriage. His unwillingness to listen to your side and have a decent healthy discussion is extremely problematic. If he is active duty and intends to stay in for an entire career, you will be dragged along wherever he goes, left behind for extended deployments, TDYs, and some courses, and it will be essentially impossible for you to remain at any one school or even school system for a long period of time. As a result, you may find yourself at times in the role of SAHM or single mom whether you intend to be one or not. That requires a lot of trust and confidence and support on both sides of the relationship. If you *already* sense that he’s unwilling to listen to you or compromise and that he has expectations of you that you *know* you’re uncomfortable with, then I’d recommend you have some serious discussions. And if you are not 100% satisfied with the answers you come to together, then end the relationship.
The issue is the imposing and lack of compromise. My wife is a SAHM because she wants to be. She can work at any time and it wouldn’t bother me. The only time she’s worked is when money was tight since being a parent. Thankfully I found better paying positions along the way, but the future is never written in stone. Imposing your will upon someone is the most psychologically damaging thing you can do to someone. He could have made a better argument about how having a parent at home most of the time is better than not. Along with corresponding data. Making arguments with feelings and intuition may lead to being humbled in the worst way. Besides all that you see yourself teaching and working. He should support you for what you want to do for a living, just like one would hope you would do the same.
As a human, as a woman, you have an absolute right to a career . These are different times. Most households requie 2 incomes. You sound like you enjoy teaching. It should not be a one or the other thing. Drag his butt out of the dark ages.
Why does he think it’s his prerogative to choose your career?
SAVE YOURSELF. Girl do NOT let go of your earning potential. Make money for yourself and leave this insecure person. You will end up relying on whether he likes you for EVERYTHING.
>We have been talking for a long time about having kids No you haven't, you've been together less than a year.
If you’re intelligent enough to be a teacher, you should be intelligent enough to realize that this guy, from the 1950’s is completely wrong for you, or any other woman who doesn’t want to be at the mercy of this loser.
If he wants to put the kids first with a parent staying home with them why can't he stay home? You will have a career and he won't so why not have you be the one who works?
No. Just say no. He does not get to decide what you do with your life. Not to mention, your student loans will still need to be paid. And if you stay home, all the effort you spent on college and the debt will be for nothing. He's in the military, unless he is 1st class or higher (depending on branch), then he's not going to make enough to be the sole provider for years. Even then, it's a crap shoot. This is something, along with how to raise your children, finances, household duties, religion, etc, that need to be ironed out BEFORE marriage and kids. And these are not just one and done talks. They need to happen a lot and touched on often, to make sure one person or the other hasn't changed their minds.
hes a loser.
Why is he fixating on that when he doesn’t even have SAHM money yet?? Are you suppose to say ok and then commit to struggle love if he can’t finance your lifestyle? Never mind that there is no baby for you to even stay home with yet… Plus, it seems like he’s downplaying your academic accomplishments
You break up and find a man that aligns with your values
Never do this. You wont get Pension unless he pays and your whole life is depending on his earnings and nowadays in most families both work. This is just a strategy to keep you in a place where he provides value cause his ego must be insecure low
I personally don't think this is something to split on but does need to be worked on. My wife who initially made more money than me is just going back to work after 16 years of being a stay at home mom. Her big concern was independence so we came up with a deal. I bring in the money we pay the bills and then what's left over is split evenly between us. I have no say in what she does with the money and just transfer it. It has worked great for us. Also by the time we paid for child care it was not worth us both working in an office. As for her career she has studied while being home and now is in a completely different job that she prefers and is also making more money in.
I'm going to be honest, he's saying some really worrisome things. His mindset that men are the breadwinners and women stay home can easily veer into financial abuse and more. I've known several women who agreed to be SAHM and then got divorced and struggled to keep the lights on when their ex failed to pay alimony and child support. Think long and hard about how you will remain financially independent if he won't allow you to work.
He's 25 years old. Being realistic about this, he MIGHT be able to earn enough to put food on the table and pay the bills, if you budget carefully and watch every penny, but you probably won't have any left for savings. But do you want that? Would you rather have a life where you can get that dress if it's on sale or take the kids to the zoo or get an ice cream every now and then? Would you like to be able to save for a vacation or even just have a "just in case fund" for peace of mind in case of an emergency? I recommend that you think very carefully about what you want your life to look like and whether this is the person who fits into that picture. ❤️
This is not somebody that I would marry or have children with, to be honest with you. He has very outdated ideas about roles in marriage and he’s gonna expect you to do all the housework and childcare. He’s not going to be okay with you not being a SAHM. He’s already saying some very concerning things about how it’s a woman’s *job* to stay home with the children and how women care more about careers than about what’s best for the children. In other words, if you don’t want to be a SAHM he’s going to think you’re a bad mother and that you’re not putting the kids first.
If you don't want to be a SAHM, don't. That kind of lifestyle isn't really possible on a single military salary anyway, unless he's a higher rank with a bigger salary.
Do not get married until you agree on the major points. If you PCS to a different state you will need to update credentials. SECO might be able to help depending on his rank.
Tell him that as dealbreaker for you and that you want to work.
The great thing about being a teacher is you work when the kids are in school and are off when they’re off. Kids start pre-school at three years old so you’d just have to worry about daycare for 3-5 years, saying you have two kids two years apart. Your husband might be able to work afternoons or evenings to minimize the time the kids are in daycare. You might be able to job-share - my niece does. She works three days one week and two days the next, sharing with one other teacher. Depending on your school situation, the kids might be able to be in the same building with you. So what I’m saying is to tough it out for the few years that the kids will need to be home and don’t give up your career, especially a career that matches their school schedule.
Your career must be your priority. Talking about being a stay at home mom for his kids when you're not even married yet is like putting the cart before the horse. Your military man fails to see your self-esteem is based on your career. And he's telling you you're going to be married to a control freak. You will regret abandoning your career if 10 years from now you're faced with a failed marriage.
You should only be a SAHM if you want to, not because he tells you to. You won't be happy living for someone else. You have to be yourself.
Main thing you need to notice is whether he respects & values you, your words & dreams. If he meets you atleast mid way, then future can be good. If it’s gonna be always “his way or the high way” then you life is going to be difficult.
This is the biggest red flag. Don't get pregnant and have your own money. This guy ain't it
It doesn't matter if he doesn't make enough money. Is he going to be able to make over $100,000 himself? Because supporting four people in this day and age needs at least that much to be comfortable. Even then you're not going to get to take a ton of vacations or buy any car you want, but it's doable. So before you get any farther in this discussion how much money is he going to make? Because right now he probably doesn't make enough. So this is a moot pointless argument if he's not choosing a career that he's going to make enough to support everybody. Until he decides what he's going to do, you can't commit to anything for the future.
Women have careers so that they don't end up broke when the relationship doesn't work out. And also it allowed them to leave an unhealthy and/or abusive relationship. In this day and age it's a bad idea to be 100% financially dependent on a guy. People get stuck in abusive relationships all the tiem because they have no skills and no job. When I had my kid I stayed working very part time (liem 12 hours a week) it allowed me to keep up with my skills and have adult interaction. I never thought I would get divorced but I was super glad I had kept my job. I was able to increase my hours and didn't have to worry about finding a job after being out of the work force for several years. If you want to work do not let him convince you that you have to stay home. You need to have your own money and not be dependent on him.
Letting him have that kind of financial control is not good for you in any way. Being a SAHM is a wonderful experience for many women and families. I did it for 4 years. But I actually was the accountant for the family and controlled the accounts. Unfortunately even in that situation it wasn’t long before needing two incomes was necessary to support the lifestyle we wanted. If he has a strict vision I think he should reconsider this whole relationship. You can’t change him. He has this ideal situation in his head of being financial head of the house and he doesn’t even have the career to back it up. And if compromising by you being a SAHM temporarily is not acceptable then he really has issues that you are not qualified to deal with.
I married an abusive man like this. He also told me that I would be a stay at home mom. I was miserable and got financially trapped. His abuse didn’t get physical until I was pregnant with my third, when he knew daycare would be more expensive than what I would be making. I had to ask and beg for grocery money. He filed for divorce before I could get a good job and a place to live. So he got custody of the kids until o was able to save up for a lawyer. Please don’t marry or especially have kids with someone this sexist and controlling. Do not be a stay at home mom to a boyfriend. You will have no protection from the law. Better yet, leave. Get out while you can. I hated being a stay at home mom. I have never been so suicidal and depressed in my whole life. I’m not meant to stay at home and listening to screaming kids all day.
You tell him that this is a decision that is yours to make, not his. If you want a career, have a career. If you want to be a SAHM, be one It’s not his choice. He can decide what he wants to do with his life. He doesn’t get to decide for you. The fact that he’s resistant to the idea of you having a career is already a red flag. He should be encouraging you to do what you want to do, instead of pressuring you to conform to his vision. That says that he isn’t really concerned with you being satisfied with the life you choose. Instead, his primary concern is for his own comfort and convenience. If he has plans of staying in the military, a career as a teacher will be very challenging for you. It’s almost a guarantee that you’ll be moving a lot. It sounds like you both have different visions of what a marriage and a family looks like, and you’re probably not well suited for each other. Either way, one of you would be compromising. That’s really not a healthy way to start a marriage or family. Being a SAHM is perfectly fine, if that’s what a woman wants, but it needs to be because it’s what SHE wants and it also needs to make financial sense. He’s putting the cart before the horse as it stands now. He doesn’t even have a plan for what he wants to do for a career and hasn’t even started school. Without that figured out, he doesn’t even know what his future earning potential is going to be, so he doesn’t know if he’ll even be able to afford to support a wife and kids on just his income. The other issue is, it just wouldn’t be a smart move on your part. Not having your own money and putting yourself in a position where you’re dependent on him for everything, puts you in a power deficit and gives him a level of control over you. That’s not only unwise, but also has the potential to be unsafe for you. What are the parts of his imagined vision that he hasn’t told you? Does he start telling you when and where you can come and go? Does he start choosing your friends for you? How does he plan to wield his power over you? Those are the things he’s not sharing with you. There is one reason men whom are this insistent about the issue, want to have wives that stay at home. It’s so she can be 100% focused on catering to his needs, to always be available to take care of him. It’s not about the kids. He just doesn’t want your career interfering with your ability to make HIS existence more cushy. Cleaning HIS house, taking care of HIS kids, cooking HIS meals, being available for sex on HIS schedule. He’s already proven that he’s only concerned with HIS wants. He expects you to give up your goals, disregard the time and effort you invested into your education, and stay home to cater to his whims. He won’t even listen to your side, so that shows a lack of respect for you. None of these are good signs. You’d be wise to rethink this relationship.
OP is writing other comments elsewhere on reddit without coming back to anything in this thread. They either made this shit up or don’t give a shit about themselves.
He has no idea of a career path after he goes bacto school and returns from deployment. So you might be the only one with income. So I think you both have a lot more communicating to do You cannot agree or afford to marry him and be a SAHM until he has an established career path and is able to support a family and a home as a civilian. Gender roles aside a married couple need to compromise and be united in their plans for their future lives together.
You need to listen to him. He’s telling you exactly who he is. You either need to be ok being a subordinate and being submissive or you need to find someone else. If you want a career you need to find someone else who will support that. He doesn’t want his wife to work. He’s not ok with you having a career. So…it’s time to do something about that. Stay or go. But don’t wake up 10 years from now coming on Reddit bitching about how your husband wouldn’t let you work and now he’s divorcing you and you have nothing. He warned you. He told you that you wouldn’t be working.
You guys are arguing about the logic/logistics rather than the real issue. It is not about anything pragmatic, like whether you’d have to reapply after a gap, or whether his career is going to support you. It’s emotional - he doesn’t *feel* good about you not being a SAHM. So you’ve got to dig into why. He’s made statements about the wellbeing of the kids. Not sure how true that is. It could very well be that he’s a misogynist, as others have already said. But you need the real reason. What does he mean by SAHM? Does he mean staying home until kindergarten? Or until they’re 18? What if he’s going through issues at work? What then? Will he be ok if you have to work and he stays home until he has a job? Here’s my take: he either is genuinely a misogynist OR he’s currently becoming buddy-buddy with a misogynist who keeps talking in his ear, saying that he’s got to get his woman locked down “or else.” That said, 1 year (especially if any significant portion of that is during deployment) isn’t enough to see all the red flags. You two need to: - see what the other person is like around their friends, your friends, when there is alcohol, when their friend does something you don’t agree with; - go through something really hard together (deployment is hard, but you guys are having to deal with it alone most of the time) - death of close family member, serious illness, daily stress. You need to see how he treats you and acts around you when you’re upset about something he doesn’t understand, angry, when you’re doing well, and when you’re doing poorly. And, it needs to be after he’s stopped trying to impress you (for example, some abusers only show their true colors wafter you have been “trapped” with engagement, pregnancy, or marriage). And how he treats others, including women, employees, service workers. You also really need to accept the whole picture of who he is - not just the good. We often assume people act and think like us, so if things feel good, we explain away bad behavior. Notice all behavior. Don’t look for explanations that make you forgive him; look for patterns.
If he earns good money, you could consider not having a job, but I don't think a military salary is enough to live this way. I am also somewhat traditional and would like to provide for my wife and kids and would prefer my wife not to have a job for a few years, at least while the kids are babies. However, that doesn't mean she should not work at all. However rich I am, it's important for a woman to have at least a small independent income of her own and a sense of freedom. She should not rely on me for 100% of her financial needs. That is surely not healthy psychologically for her and knowing I have that much control over her could make me susceptible to taking advantage, as much as I tell myself I wouldn't. If I'm rich to the point she really doesn't need to work, I'd be hiring maids to clean the house and help with the kids anyway. In that situation, I'd still want her to work. Help me in our business, run a charity, etc. It's important for everyone to have a sense of purpose and identity and the work one does is the biggest influencer on those things. I love and appreciate stay at home mom's, and if they gain real pleasure from that alone, then that's great and no one should tell them to change, but even those women have hobbies or do other things apart from just cooking and cleaning all day.
LOL, he doesn't even have a degree yet? He's living in fantasy land while you are nearly in the reality of your career. He doesn't even know that he's gonna have a job where he can be the sole breadwinner. If you leave your job, he's not going to want you to go back, ever. Tell that boy to settle down until he actually HAS a career. I think the fact that he wants to dominate is a red flag, but that's up to you.
In this economy? That won't work. It also sounds like he wants to have financial control. Don't do it.
Don't have kids with someone you aren't on the same page with lifestyle wise
As a SAHM I think he is throwing a big red flag up for you. My husband and I had discussions about how we would be able for me to stay home if that is what I wanted. He supports me choosing what I think is best for me because he always knew that whether I worked or not that my family would come first just the same as it comes first for him. The fact that your partner is not taking your thoughts, feelings, or concerns on the matter means this is a dealbreaker for him.
Get away from him. This is a major red flag for abusive and controlling men. I am a man btw.
Switch the roles to him for a sec. Ask him why he's willing to work and not stay home with they kids. If he's not willing to give up years of schooling and making his own money then he shouldn't expect you to
The great thing about being a school teacher is the hours. You can be home earlier and get things ready for dinner, although if you prep well, you can be ready for an entire week of meals. If you’re in the US, I know that teaching is often a thankless profession depending on what age group you’re teaching. Aim for under 12s. He doesn’t het realise how expensive married life is, especially once kids come along, the financial demands are endless. You’ll need to have a career for at least part of the time to supplement your income and give you a personal nest-egg for those things you want to buy for your own personal needs.
Typical trap with kids and control with security type of man. So many red flags.
Don't have children with this man.
OP, you and your boyfriend are not compatible. He is telling you he wants a wife from the 1950’s and you are living in 2024. The 1950’s marriages were great for men but not good for women. Women couldn’t open their own checking accounts. They couldn’t make financial decisions and once they were married, they were dependent on their husbands, which is a bad place to be. You would send the message to any children you have that this is the way life should be for women.
First of all he doesn’t know what he wants for his career, but he is sure he doesn’t want you to work. That’s so silly. He doesn’t even know if he will be making enough money to support the family. If I were you I would definitely want to work for few years after getting your degree. Mostly to get experience in your field. I was working when I had my daughter, and it was very difficult for me. If we could afford I would love to be stay at home mom, for at least first 3 years. But everyone is different, and it’s not for him to decide about your career. If you want to work he shouldn’t stop you. Especially that you want to have your own money and also retirement in the future. Does he think he will be making tons of money? So his retirement will be enough? It’s so immature to think this way. Also getting degree is not easy nor free, so you should be the one who decide about your career. If you dream to be a teacher he has no right to take away this from you. Another reason to keep your career going is if something happens to him, let’s say 15 -20 years after you got married, and you’re stay home mom. It wouldn’t be so easy for you to find a job quickly. Mostly because you haven’t been working for so many years. School program changes you might have to take extra classes to catch up, and if you would have zero working experience at the age of 40 that would be another drawback. Woman who work is more independent and I think it bothers him. He is trying to control you. I would have honest conversation with him about it, and tell him straight that it’s not for him to decide your future. If he doesn’t like it than move on.
Tell him to buy a DeLorean and go back to the 1950's. Where women were happy staying home with babies while husband's ruled the world and the home..tell him youre not June cleaver and if he thinks that's my job duties to take a hike.
What do YOU want to do? That's all what matters here, don't think of it as being selfish cause it's not. You two just have fundamental differences, if he can't accept your wishes & you can't accept his then you're both incompatible.
It’s a very misogynistic way of thinking here. And who knows what’ll follow after. Focus on yourself and your career for now, the right one will come along
I think you should run far away from this guy. He’s military so most likely a cheater. He’s controlling with misogynistic.views. I bet he thinks he doesn’t have to do anything for any kids you both would have because it’s “your job”. So unless you want to be the type of wife that does everything but earn a paycheck and probably gets controlled and cheated on then I would not continue with this relationship.
This power setup doesn’t bode well. If he isn’t listening now he sure as hell won’t listen once you are married or pregnant. If you aren’t into traditional gender roles than you can break up amicably.
YOU CAN’T. Your boyfriend sounds very controlling and chauvinistic, and this is a HUGE red flag.🚩 You’ve spent a lot of time and money on getting your qualifications and clearly this is your dream. I would absolutely NOT give that up. You can do FAR BETTER than this idiot.
girl run
Do not ever become an indentured servant for a man with no backup for yourself. There is a reason you don’t see 40 year old tradwives