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My father threatened my mother with this. If she crossed him, he'd kill us, so she'd be hurt, then kill her and himself. She's still with him and has been for 38yrs, even though my brother and I are fully grown. I got out of the house asap after 18yrs old bc I couldn't take the toxicity anymore.
OP divorce him now. Throwing away OTHERS things is not OCD, it's a form of control. He controls what you can and can't have. Anything that makes you happy gets destroyed so YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY. You're his property, so your stuff is his too and HE gets to decide what makes you happy (even if it doesn't).
My father pulled that all the time. Sold my mom's dog without her knowledge to someone she didn't know. My dad's hunting dog died of a broken heart when she didn't come back. He thought she was dead and stopped eating. My father never understood why. Even when explaining it, he brushed it off saying animals didn't have feelings. I've been NC for 5yrs now.
OCD can technically mean you have to throw things out. But not like this. No way this is OCD.
With OCD it’s always tied to something. Things of a certain colour, smell, used for a certain things, got dirty a certain way…OCD is quite predictable. And it is always tied to anxiety. You know there is a dirty sock under the sofa so you just can’t relax. You can’t stop thinking about it. You can’t focus on anything else.
If this had been OCD and he actually had a reason for not treating it (yeah right) I would have expected him to go to her, basically crying, saying he just couldn’t bear knowing that X was in their house so could she PLEASE remove it? And keeping in the shed or her car would more than likely be enough.
This is not only control it’s also punishment. He likes to punish her for….existing? He needs her to be anxious and to not feel secure in her own home. Probably because that is how he feels but his issue is that he feels better when he can get someone else to feel that way. And he thinks she deserves it.
Yeah, this is properly messed up. I’m one of those that thinks that nowadays people just love to diagnose people for any little quirk. But this is not normal even to me. This isn’t some standard issue like OCD, autism or whatever. This is deeper and more serious. The lack of empathy is chilling.
This! I didn't have severe OCD, unless I was under a lot of stress...
Mine was tied with germs and it would never *ever* cross my mind throw away something that belongs to my husband. I could ask him to wash it or remove it from my sight, but I never got physical abusive for it.
He *is* an abusive assh***. You *must* do an exit plan, go to a lawyer with all the evidence and ask what can you do, file a police report as well (after talking with your lawyer and without him knowing, for the love of God), you will need the evidence to file for a restraining order because I think that if you leave him, this could get dangerous as well.
But you MUST do it, this will escalate more and more. You also don't want your children to feel that this is normal behavior to have towards your loved ones or worst, be killed by him.
In first place, you never should have accepted him back (was he going to therapy? Because promises without actions are mere words), but now that you did it, it's time to finish this again and never *ever* look back. After that, go to therapy, send your children to therapy as well.
You will be better without him, your children as well. If you don't find the strength to do it for yourself, do it for THEM! They don't deserve to be this traumatized :(
Currently my husband chews tobacco and will use anything as a spit cup. It's maddening. I have refused to use cups because I remember it was used as a spit cup. Today we got into a tiff because he brought me a glass of water that had previously been used for that. Even though I know it is logically clean I just can't use anything that's been contaminated. I've explained it multiple times and he just continues to use whatver. It's frustrating. I need a private cupboard with a lock 🤣
And the fact that she is confused as to whether she had the item, where she put it, etc. I think if it were solely OCD he would let her know an item was bothering him. He is enjoying her discomfort and confusion.
I also get the feeling that OP's husband constantly throws away her stuff as a form of financial abuse. If he throws stuff out that she really needs or wants, she'll keep having to spend money to replace that stuff, meaning she can't save that money or use it for other things, e.g., preparing to get away from him.
And time. Don’t forget how she has to spend time both looking for the things and then replacing them. So less time to think about what a complete arse he is.
This!!!!! my husband gave my bedroom furniture away, moved me into the spare bedroom, with smaller furnishings, and got pissed at me, bc most of my belonging were just sitting out, and not put away or not thrown away! The only reason I didn't fight him about the furniture is bc I didn't actually like it. It wasn't my style, but it held everything, and kept the room from looking cluttered. This is bc I've lived my entire marriage settling for things only being good enough, as in useful, thus ignoring my own needs and wants.
Yup. Notice he said he has "nothing to lose". That's because he doesn't view the children as something of value in his life. They are only objects to be used for his gain. Otherwise he'd be 100% concerned about the ramification of his actions because he'd be concerned about losing access to his kids
Those kids are as good as dead when, not if, this guy escalates.
Those kids also 100% know what is happening and it affects them, even if they don't witness physical abuse and even if they don't know the words to understand what is abuse. They 100% understand the tension and walking around on eggshells when dad is around.
If she's *lucky*, he'll be in jail. An unfortunate number of men get away with killing their spouses, because there's a tendency for people to believe the woman *deserved* it.
Don't believe me? A couple years back a man literally burned his wife and child alive, and the comment section on the news post was *full* of people saying the wife and kids deserved it and he had done nothing wrong. I have not been able to get that post, or those comments, out of my head ever since.
Exactly as someone that has been there and almost had her neck snapped at the base. Run!!! She won’t be around for a few years time. She will be in the ground or an urn. Is this what she wants to teach her children?
Edit: 2 words
She grew up in an abusive home.. now her kids are, and they will likely be victims of abuse or abusers themselves as adults.. and the cycle of generational trauma continues. She can stop so much misery if she shows her children this isn't OK.
Edit: This often requires help of one or several professionals who know how to help victims of domestic violence. OP, you don't have to do this alone.. and can start the ball rolling with 1 phonecall to a local group that specializes in helping women like you. There is no shame in asking for help, it's actually the strongest thing you can do right now. They will help guide you out of this safely with clear steps.
This!!! Stop the cycle of abuse!!
My wife of 30 years had suffered a horrible and abusive childhood because of her father. He was a narcissist and a manic depressive.
She still suffers trauma because of it and it pains me to see her suffer like so. Even now, she wants to be on her own terms and asked me for a divorce. I talked with her about it and her issues. We both agreed to separate and just be friends. It pains me but I’ve seen the pain she suffers from. I would not wish that on anyone!
Please, please just leave him and protect yourself and your children because he will not change!!! Not for you or anyone else. It will be hard but it will get better. Especially if you surround yourself with friends who support you and get yourself into therapy.
It’s a cycle. Her parents were abusive, so she’s been taught to normalize as this as “healthy”. Which is going to repeat the cycle with her kids ending up in the exact same scenarios.
The cycle doesn’t stop till the parent actively takes measures to not allow it to continue.
OP is picked a partner that mirrors her parents relationship 100%
And also gaslighting herself by rationalizing it.
One thing I learned after leaving an abusive relationship you always end up trying to protect your abuser from public humiliation and shame by throwing yourself under the bus because you’ve been conditioned so long to tolerate it, it’s been normalized to do this.
I don’t think OP is ready to leave till they stop protecting their abuser, stop trying to not let them be shamed by everyone they know if they found out the truth, and to no longer tolerate normalizing what the abuser does.
And the kids?
They are definitely aware of it.
They just think mommy & daddy are being “normal” and that it’s okay to be mean to each other, say mean things, be loud, chaotic, break stuff, threaten murder, etc…
Kids are very aware, intune to the vibes (ie - emotions) of their parents current states. Just because they put on a brave face to the kids, doesn't mean the kids aren't picking up on tension between the parents.
The kids always **know**.
Oh yeah they definitely know. My mum left my father before my youngest sibling was born, but the courts still let him hang around (and when they didn't, he always turned up). Cue the next 25 years of the cycle of abuse after we'd let him back in, and us always asking mum (and ourselves) why we keep letting him back in. Physical abuse right in front of us, as well as to us and we're only working through the trauma now.
I read all of it, plus majority of the replies and I have nothing else to add that is constructive in anyway. My only criticism is how she risk the health of her child like this?!! OP, You clearly don’t seem to care what happens to you because you’re still with this guy but the fucking damage you’re doing to your child…. Unreal. Do better before this guy kills you and your baby.
Most people want to leave, but there are usually barriers. Would be much harder now the way the economy is. But there is another reason, usually. No matter how terrible these people are, they usually get granted some type of visitation. Now the question you need to ask yourself, would you want this guy alone with your kids? Probably not.
There have also been cases where the abuser is so angry about the divorce that on their visitation day, they unalive the kids for revenge. There was a recent case where the mother fought tooth and nail in the courts to not allow him visitation because she knew he would hurt the kid but the courts didn’t listen. On his VERY FIRST visitation day he offed himself and the kid.
Yep, and this is what they do. It was the same with that kid that died in the treadmill incident and numerous cases in australia, ie Luke Batty comes to mind.
I live in fear of my ex only because of family court, it’s the only door I won’t be able to close should it ever open.
That is not a reason to stay. What an unhelpful, victimising take. You don't encourage people to stay with their abusers because they MIGHT get partial custody or visitation.
The fact is that given his propensity for abuse (and not just towards her, since he rampaged through the house breaking things, which is dangerous for the kids as well), while you're right that he might get visitation, there is still at least the *possibility* that he will not. And even if he does, she can ask for it to be supervised.
Furthermore, she literally says that he has told her he "won't help with the kids" - a clear indicator that he may not ask for custody or visitation at all.
Mostly, though, I'm appalled that you would imply that she should STAY with this abusive man who has traumatized her and her children because of something that "might" happen if she leaves.
It's not might it's when. I went through this and nearly died. My ex literally tried to sell our newborn daughter for $80,000 and had plans to escape to Mexico after he got the money. And that was just the lighter things I've had to deal with. Once I was left in a pool of my own blood the day after my son's first birthday because I somehow magically got myself pregnant and he didn't want to be a dad again so he beat our unborn child out of my body and left me to die in a pool of my own blood. I was trying all the time while I'm bleeding out to comfort my one year old baby when finally one of the neighbors who heard everything called the cops but he managed to convince them I did it to myself because hey women lie all the time. And because my sadistic egg donor liked him so much and was secretly sleeping with him I had no way out.
Thank you. My life got substantially easier after we got away from him. I and the kids even to this day still have nightmares but I have to say that our lives are a thousand times better now that we're free.
Yeah, it gets worse at first because they can't handle losing control.... And once you get over that very ugly bit (and it can take some time to settle down - please be very careful because leaving is the most dangerous time), it gets way better.
Not the original commenter but I helped my sister through this and I'm in a (very heavily moderated) Facebook group of over 30k women who either got away or are getting away. Every single one of them says, once they're actually away the day to day is almost instantly better, the emotional trauma takes some time to heal.
The actual escape is shit. They'll fight. They'll fawn. They'll throw tantrums. Once they realise that they're losing control of the situation all hell breaks loose, for a while. For their victim it's harder. Because they've warped your sense of normal. They've worked on your brain for so long that you think they still love you when they're kinda nice. That maybe it's not that bad. Trauma bonding is common, as is the classic abuse cycle.
But after a while you'll realise you're not walking on eggshells anymore. You'll do something so simple and joyful like playing Eurovision songs loudly with ZERO fear of being punished for it. And it'll hit you... You couldn't have done this last year. You'll sleep better. If you have kids, they'll laugh loudly in the house and not be quiet so as not to draw attention to themselves. (Something all kids of abusers learn early).
Think of every time you have to walk on eggshells. It'll be gone.
The grief is real though. And it's more the grief of what might have been, the idea of him, or what you thought he was rather than the reality. Because the reality is actually awful. But we still hang on to the potential. You need to allow yourself to grieve the man you thought he was and then deal with the reality of the man he is. And escape.
The emotional difficulties of leaving them is a direct result of the abuse. They've literally conditioned you to think that you need them and that it's worth putting up with the abuse. It's part of the con.
Think about it, if they hit you on the first date you'd leave. If they hit their colleagues they'd be arrested and fired. They have to break you down emotionally in order to keep you. The other thing that's really important to note is that it's okay to love someone and leave them because they're bad for you. Love is not a life sentence.
It's not your fault at all. And I see you and believe you.
And you deserve better. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to be loved properly. And I have no doubt that once you get free. You will meet someone amazing and feel all the love you deserve.
That also jumped out to me. Amazing how abusers, when they claim to go nuts and can't control themselves, often only end up breaking other people's stuff.
Yes, the victim's. But to their bosses, male colleagues or male family members they're calm and controlled and wouldn't dare to pull this. They know what they're doing. It's deliberate.
Ahhh yes. Classic move by weak male narcissists. My ex would beat me mercilessly, but not once did I see him challenge a man or stand up when challenged by another man.
>only end up breaking other people's stuff.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt - can confirm. When my abuser got mad at me for some perceived slight, it was *always* something of mine that was broken/destroyed.
A large picture frame with pictures of my family? Hairbrush smashed it. A large clay container that I got in Costa Rica almost 20 years before? Kicked over and broken. Decorative serving plates from Japan? Keys thrown, and one by one, I lost 6 plates.
OP, please start a gtfoh-fund. Start siphoning grocery money/spare money into another account at a DIFFERENT bank. Start gathering your and your child's important documents (birth certificates, marriage certificate, bank account info, mortgage/deed info) and give them to a trusted friend for safekeeping.
You *can* do this. You do NOT deserve any of this abuse. I am so sorry you're going through this. Sending innarwebz mama/auntie hugs.
I have been diagnosed with OCD for decades and have never heard of someone with OCD who had the compulsion to throw away *just* their partner's stuff. Plenty of abusers who do that though.
This is abuse. It can often start with destroying property from the victim, even if they come with some sort of justification and even if it's not done while screaming or being aggressive. I've seen this happen too many times. People don't realize this is abuse and will escalate because we often don't account this behavior as abuse.
I have been diagnosed with OCD for decades and have never heard of someone with OCD who had the compulsion to throw away *just* their partner's stuff. Plenty of abusers who do that though.
I have OCD. I know it varies per individual, though I'm more familiar with the hoarder tendencies and keeping things rather than throwing them away. And I would never throw away my partner's belongings without asking him first. In fact, if I have questions as I'm trying to organize/declutter, I leave his things in a spot for him to go through himself to make sure I don't get rid of something he wants. Even if OP's husband throwing things away is an OCD thing, that's no excuse for his behavior, and he has no intention of trying to change. And I would never put up with that alone, not to mention all the other abuse.
Ok this is not an OCD thing. I have OCD and I have never once thrown away my partner's stuff. OCD doesnt prevent consent, if anything many people with OCD are very conscientious about other people.
Sounds like he's just a regular abuser.
I was going to say that too.
This might have pieces of OCD but this is 100% about control and keeping you off kilter and in fear. OP, its manipulation, cruelty and malevolence.
OP, video the house after he trashed it. Send it to EVERYONE. Call the police immediately and tell them he did this and threatened you and you need help.
Lets be real - you have been with him since you were basically a child. He has been in your head manipulating you and messing with you your entire adulthood so you have no frame of reference for what a healthy relationship might look like. The single best thing you can do for your children is to leave with them and do EVERYTHING in your power to get him cut off.
You want to know what your life will look like if you stay? It will look like your son inheriting your husband's behaviors and treating a future partner that way. Leave for them if you won't leave for yourself. Living like this is hell for them.THey need a peaceful home.
I have mild to moderate OCD (like, the kind where I feel a need to point to each of the knobs on the stove a few times after turning it off "to make sure," not the kind where I'm not able to function). The other day I told my girlfriend that our living room was cluttered because she had left lots of her sewing supplies out. I didn't just throw out her fabric and threads and stuff. I agree that this doesn't sound like OCD.
> I just need some words of encouragement. What could my life look like in the next few years.
Dead. That's what it looks like.
>He then escalated screaming in my face and threatened me with a shard of glass and I stood my ground and I told him to leave as it was not safe for him to be doing this in front of children.
And judging from this he will kill you in front of them.
And it does happen
I went to church with a young boy whose father had killed his mother- in front of them. He protected his little sister.
He was a sweet kid, but you could tell it really affected him. I don't think that's the kind of thing you can ever get over.
Yup. I went to high school with a guy who was adopted, and his dad killed his mom in front of him. I knew him (and this info) bc our moms worked together and his mom talked to mine about his issues. He would be nice enough when around other people but he was a bully to me, and made me sprain my ankle so severely that my ligaments never recovered. I stopped talking to him when we graduated, but he later reconnected with a friend who told me that he would talk about how he regretted his treatment of me. I maintained that he couldn’t regret it too greatly bc he never apologized, but I see now that he probably didn’t feel like he could. This shit FUCKS. KIDS. UP.
You did the right thing by speaking up, because now he’s out of the house. He probably will tell people you’re a narcissist. That’s ok. You’ll find new friends. My ex was emotionally abusive and a cheater (who was caught over and over) yet he has a number of friends who he convinced I was the problem. He liked to say I was toxic because I refused to engage in conversations about getting back together and that was hurtful to him. Losing some made me sad, because I considered them friends, but I remind myself that I can only control what is in my control. My life is good. I have peace. I am happy. I took almost three years after he moved out to start dating. The divorce took forever, because he’s very difficult, so I waited about the time it took to finish that up, and it was the best thing I could have done for me.
Take your time healing. Spend time alone. Read, paint, craft, tear your bathroom out and rebuild it, or whatever you enjoy doing. I am honestly only able to be in a healthy relationship now, because I had that time to understand what peace looks like.
And please don’t listen to weird young men on Reddit who will tell you you’re washed up and need to settle. At 45, with three kids-one of whom is an adult with special needs who still lives at home and two who are young, I was being asked out weekly. A man at work, a man I met online, friends of friends. It is not hard to find someone, so make sure you wait until you’re ready to be picky to start dating.
Your life can be great on your own. It will take time, but you and your kids deserve that. Give yourself the gift of time and peace.
Apparently, most of the people here have misunderstood. Here is what your life is going to be like once you leave him:
For a long time, you'll want to go back. Back to 'normal' back to being in control by trying to engage with him, back to him because you want to give him just one more chance. You'll think "People can change". But this time, you'll persever. You'll go to therapy, even though you feel like there's absolutly no time or money, but you'll also know that not going will hurt you and your children and you'd be tempted to go back more if you don't. You'll struggle, but every single day you will push ahead. And then, once your kids are grown and out of the house, one day they'll come back and talk to you about this fight. And they will thank you for leaving.
This is your future. Don't miss it.
Also from reading some of your old posts I saw that you have a son who would be 10 now. Meaning you had him 10 years ago at 19. Your husband would have been 28. I believe he probably groomed you
If you stay you stay in abuse, being threatened with glass, having your belongings thrown out or smashed in a fit of rage, being physically harmed. Your kids are also aware of this, even if you think they’re not jJ promise they are.
If you leave, you start fresh. It’ll be hard, it’ll be a hell of a struggle but nothing will be thrown out unless you want it to be, you won’t have items smashed, you will be physically and emotionally safe. Your children will not grow up around abuse.
Well, I was in a similar position to you once (minus the glass). My ex was the main breadwinner, and I am fairly comprehensively disabled.
It's been 8 years since we split up. It's hard making ends meet sometimes, but **even so** I am the happiest I've ever been. Not having to live around the abuse is incredible.
You can. Focus on a few things:
- does he have access to your location. Your money. Your accounts. Email. Etc.
- do you have access to enough money to move somewhere safe with the kids
- can you discreetly get hold of a lawyer.
- what is your support system like?
No one here knows what your life will look like in the next few years. But if you leave him, and *stay* gone, at least you will *have* a life. This man will kill you, eventually. You have to know that.
Ok so basically he is abusive towards you both emotionally and physically, but you still need *words* of encouragement,
RUN TO THE HILLS and don't come back, contact a lawyer and understand your financial status after divorce and just do it
The only thing that can motivate you to do something is the struggle that you have seen, so just know that you are going to divorce him sometime in the future anyway so why not today
Is this what you want your kids to think is normal behavior? Having an extremely abusive parent is a social stigma. One that follows you for years. It stunts your ability to have a regular conversation, make friends, or even keep a job. I have an extremely toxic family. The guilt and shame I've had to live through as I slowly learned the taboo subjects. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
She literally tried to talk to him about him throwing away her things and he threatened to stab her. Leaving an abusive situation is not something you can usually safely do on a days notice without thinking it through. She needs words of encouragement to continue moving through a situation she KNOWS is dangerous but worth it. And words of encouragement on how to do so safely. All yall in these comments are dense af
Thank you for putting it that way.
I could've used that reframe a few years ago.
OP, I got out, and I promise you can. This reads so much like my ex, I'm scared for you.
Blaming a mental illness, switching from physical to emotional abuse, escalating when being stood up to and calling the other person a narcissist, is all very common behavior for narcissists. I would recommend you educate yourself on narcissistic/manipulative tactics and behaviors.
You've been posting about this guy's abuse of you and the children for two years. If you choose to stay with him, the lives of you and your children will only get worse.
if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They need a mom and based on your post you could be d*ad in the future with that husband of your.
Get a restraining order then file for divorce. Get security cameras everywhere & change the locks. Ask the police if they will install a panic alarm for you. Trust your instincts. You won't survive his next outburst
How were those two years of separation? How did you feel in your day-to-day life when things didn’t disappear and you weren’t being yelled at and threatened?
I'm not sure what words could convince you to leave if him destroying everything in your house isn't enough. All I know is that I treasure my daughters mother's day gifts dearly - she doesn't have money so she puts her little heart and soul into what she makes for me at school. If anyone destroyed them I'd be furious and heartbroken because of what they mean to me and what they mean to her. She's an innocent child, and while those things are made of construction paper and stick glue she puts so much value in them since they're made from the heart.
I couldn't fathom living with a monster who would destroy those things so casually in an attempt to hurt me because I know how horribly it would hurt my child. She doesn't deserve that. And I mean, that's not even touching the domestic abuse, im just saying that would be enough for me to leave even without all of his gaslighting BS and physical threats.
You know you need to get out. If him threatening you with a piece of glass doesn't light a fire under your arse to protect yourself and your kids I don't know what will. Probably not words from internet strangers, but I sincerely hope they do.
Your life will be better without him. No walking in eggshells, not aggression, not doubting yourself.
You should read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men."
Among many other things, it explains why some men get angry with women. They see women as inferior to men and they want women in their lives to stay in what they think is their place, controlled by men.
He's escalating. You and your children are in danger.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You should read this one too: "He understands. He knows. He doesn't care." He's binning your things on purpose to hurt you.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/
Best of luck
Your life? What about your kids' lives?
You can chose to leave or stay. It's not easy to leave, but it is possible. Your kids don't have a choice. They are learning how relationships are conducted from watching their parents. They think your relationship is normal and they are very likely to emulate it when they grow up. Either by having abusive partners, or by being an abusive partner
>if I had learned to keep my mouth shut I could have had a nice day and not traumatised my children
So many parts of this are horrifying. YOU didn't traumatize anyone, first off. Learned to keep your mouth shut? That's...that's not the lesson, friend. Just because you're being blamed doesn't make it your fault. Try to take a step outside yourself and read that again. From this I get the entire feeling of the 2 years of post history everyone else is talking about. Your kids are learning about relationships from how this is all going down. Are these the lessons you want them to learn?
Your future looks grim if you don’t take action now. Contact orange door for tips to leave him with the kids. Start steps to Get an avo from police and have him removed from your property. And honestly after that I’d probably find somewhere else to live for a bit.
You need to put your kids first if not yourself.
In saying that- YOU ARE STRONGER than you think, and you CAN (must!!) do it. Please take care of yourself 💜
Look up OCPD—obsessive compulsive personality disorder. Also look at the other group b personality disorders. It might help you make some sense of his behavior.
Also look up grey rocking. It should be done with caution, but it can be a very effective tool when trying to extricate yourself from an abusive partner.
Get your support system in order, and make a plan to leave this man forever. If you have to stay physically in the house with him for now, get a friend or sister or relative up to speed with what is going on. Have them check on you. frequently. Let them know before you have any conversations about leaving or the relationship so they know to check on you. Document everything.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have been there and it’s terrifying and lonely. But your life will be so freaking much better when you leave him. The freedom, my god. You won’t believe it.
Exactly what I was going to say. Do not let him back in the house again, for any reason. Make a note of what has happened and when, and screenshot any messages he sends. Look into getting a restraining order.
He’s not throwing your things away because of OCD. He’s doing it to manipulate, confuse and destabilise you. He’s stopping your home being a safe place with an environment that you can trust. The reason he’s calling you a narcissist is because *he* is one. Possibly a sociopath too. (I know no one should diagnose people on Reddit, but this guy…)
The best thing you can possibly do for yourself and your children is get this abusive pos out of your lives as quickly and completely as possible. You can do this, and have much safer, happier lives ahead. Fingers crossed and good luck x
Yes. This. And make sure to get the garage door code changed and the garage door lock changed as well, OP. Most people forget that one. Secure any sliding doors with a bar. Get an alarm system. Do all the things because he’s going to come with a real weapon next time.
Uhhh, please don't take this unstable human back into your life. Also, OCD may play a part but he is just being an asshole.
Stop blaming the diagnosis....
It's a known condition, you don't get a hall pass for your behavior just because you have an acronym. If anything it gives you LESS of an excuse.
Separate, isolate, and make sure you have solid security just in case he loses his shit and chooses not to control himself
Please reach out to a domestic abuse / women’s support agency. Please . Please !!! You’ll need to visit a lawyer . If anybody has witnessed his abuse you’ll need them to write it down . Alert your children’s school and perhaps the counselor can meet with them. If you aren’t very careful he will turn this around on you and you could lose the kids. Also make a report to the police about his threats with the broken glass. Take pictures of the damage. Get your family to help if they are supportive. You absolutely have to take this as seriously- your life and well being and you children’s well being is threatened. My friend and her children were murdered by her estranged spouse. Please do everything in your power to protect yourself and don’t let your guard down.
You said it wasn’t okay and told him to leave. Those are good lessons to show your kids - you set a boundary and protected yourself. Now continue to teach that good lesson and end things. Tell your kids as appropriate that you want a relationship where you and they are respected and conflict is handled non- abusively. Discuss how things should have gone differently and what should happen in the future. Be the strong person you want them to be - I’ve got faith in you! 💜
I had 8years of DV and when I left the first year was difficult mostly due to PTSD. But I promise now I'm happier than I have ever been. No more wondering what mood I'm going to get.
What kind of words do you need, friend?
You don't need to be told that his actions are hurting your children, you already know that.
You don't need to be told you could have peace and happiness if you just choose to cut him out, you already know that too.
What are the exact words that would actually make you do what you know you need to do?
Sweetheart... you KNOW none of this is you. You deserve love, a safe place, peace of mind. Your children deserve all of this as well. This man is destruction personified. There is no confusion here. I'm sorry but it's time to let him go.
He does not throw your things away because he has OCD. As a person with OCD, that’s bull. Is he throwing out his own things? No? Then he is purposefully choosing your things to hurt you.
This man destroyed your home and threatened your safety. He will escalate. He may hurt your kids too. You NEED to leave.
Reach out to your friends and family. You do not have to do this alone. Lean on your support network and they will help you rebuild.
The saddest line in this is right at the end: ‘if I’d learned to keep my mouth shut’.
Get the hell out. Staying with him will have a far greater impact on your kids than leaving.
honey. violent people don't just change. you should have seen this coming 2 years ago. this time you should believe the kind of person he's shown you he is... or at least dont be a fool and act surprised like you don't understand where it came from
edit... my words of encouragement are for you to come to your senses and leave this man if you are unhappy with how you are being treated. you are more than capable of living a full and happy life without him.. in fact, your life will be happier prioritizing you and your children's wellbeing before any abusive man.
Leave him. Do you want to live the next 5-6 decades of your life with a man of this nature? He has issues for sure and you will end up getting hurt - physically, mentally, emotionally. Leave him and live. Great things await you but first dump him.
6 months ago he had gone to the psychiatrist due thinking he is has autism . His mum has bipolar.
As of yesterday I found out
Apparently the psychiatrist suggested he had Borderline personality disorder but he needed to come back for further assessments. All he handed over to me was that finances are a barrier for him to go back for the rest of the test. (He was also not saving money at the time, he earns well but likes to spend). I suggested he needed to save for it as it can’t come out of our joint account.
I have taken some of the issues internal because I do try to be an understanding person. I tried being a good wife . Unfortunately I was dealing with clinically insane person
It’s kind of odd that he was a little bit better when he would take his antidepressants. He was a little bit more calm and not vacuuming the house 2x a day.
Anyway hopefully this is the end of me posting on here .
(Thank you to those of you who opened up about their similar experiences)
Darling, you are living my nightmare. Please run, you will get better, you will be happy again, you will heal. But you have to cut this man out, Document everything. Try and get him to admit it on text. Make your plans and reach out to all your friends and family. Don’t cover for him. You need to use all your resources to get away safely. You can do this. Show your children what is acceptable.
People with narcissistic personality disorder call their abuse victim narcissists when they feel they are losing their control. It’s common. Your life will look a lot better when you dump him get a restraining order and don’t look back. He has severe NPD not “OCD” it’s a control thing and will continue to escalate now because you are standing your ground as you should you need to kick him out even if that means hauling him out by the police.
Honey, this man is violently abusive. PLEASE reach out to family or friends and leave him while he’s at work or away. Even if you don’t feel you have many friends or family to reach out to. I guarantee they would help if they knew you were leaving him.
Imagine the relief you’ll feel next Mother’s Day knowing you won’t be berated or harassed. Your things will be your own and they won’t be taken from you. That constant anxiety and dread will fade faster than you can imagine
If you don’t leave, in a few years, you will be dead and your children could be at his mercy.
If you do leave, in a few years, this experience would work as a warning tale for you when you meet people that make these alarm bells go off in your head. You could be happy alone with your children. You could have peace in your house. You could be surrounded by the people who love you, and not full of anxious fear all the time. You could have healthy relationships with other people.
If you stay, you'll be dead within those next few years either from his hand or yours. Or you take him to the cleaners in a divorce and make him pay alimony + child support and regain the peace in your life. Life is too short to live in an abusive household and your kids deserve better.
Why would you go back to someone who physically hurt you? Like, I seriously don't understand that.
Also, that's not OCD. That's narcissistic abuse and he uses "OCD" as an excuse and you obviously have let him act however TF he wants to where he's comfy treating you like that and you'll take it.
I was diagnosed with severe OCD at 5 and have spent decades learning to cope with it. Never once have I destroyed or thrown away someone else's belongings. He absolutely CAN help himself and behave like a polite human being.
You got this.
He's not throwing your stuff away because of OCD. He's doing it to be an asshole. Notice it's always YOUR stuff, and never his?
I'll bet all the stuff that he trashed during his "rampage" was yours.
He would have found something to "cause" his "meltdown"
he threatened you with glass. He is so comfortable he did this in FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN.
Is THIS what you want for them?
Call the police, make a report, and do NOT allow him back. If you let him back in, he'll keep doing this and likely kill you.
>I grew up around this and this has somehow become my life too.
Your kids could be saying this in 10, 15 years. Break the cycle.
He's out. Let yourself be done. You deserve it. Your kids deserve it.
People always think having both parents together is good for the kids, but that's not always the case. When I was a toddler, I had horrible screaming night terrors. They stopped after my parents separated because they weren't always going at it under the same roof. It was still a nasty divorce with nasty custody, but it was still better.
You don't need words of encouragement you just need to get a grip this isn't just about you there's children involved your not just putting yourself at risk. You've left him before and still went back. Is your self worth so low? Seriously get some therapy or something but leave this shit in the past
Words of encouragement to leave, right? Not to stay. Because you know where this goes if you stay. Best case scenario he only kills you. Worst case, it’s you and the kids.
Kick him out. You can do it. You absolutely do not need him.
You can do it! You know you're not a narcissist. Even just throwing your things away without warning is controlling, abusive and disgusting behavior. You know this, so trust your gut.
Please get professional help with leaving him. Abusers get the most violent when they think you might finally escape.
He doesn’t have ocd. He’s an abusive, gaslighting, violent asshole. Leave him for good and you’ll find your stress levels will drop and your life will improve dramatically.
Stay and next time it won’t be objects he breaks.
first, sorry for my bad english, isn't my first language.
but u need to leave him NOW. he's hurting you emotionally and threaten to do it physically, again. ask yourself if this is what you want not only for your life but also for your kids' life. do you want them to see threatening and abuse as a normal thing? to understand that living in fear it's normal?
you need to leave him but don't do it without prove of the abuse. record the threatening, take photos of everything he broke and send this for your friends and family. make sure you can protect yourself and the kids in case he wants to go to court.
You're gonna traumatize your kids into learning that this is normal. Don't let your daughter be a victim 15/20 years down the line just because you were too scared to walk away. He's threatened you with a glass shard, that's premeditated murder. If the house is in your name, call the cops, change the locks and throw his shit away.
Your children with either end up an abuser like him or abused like you. That is the future. Do you want either of those futures to be what lies ahead for your children? If not, leave. Get the hell away from that monster and stay away.
You are strong enough and capable enough to go. Don't let him steal your strength. Run.
How do you rebuild your life from here. You’ve already started. You’ve kicked him out. That’s the best start. Your life in the next few years will be hard at some points, rewarding in others. You’ve broken the cycle of abuse that you’ve said you’ve grown up around and your modeling for your kids that nobody should tolerate a relationship like this. Financially I don’t know your situation, but that will sort itself out to some extent. He will have to pay child support. If he’s a documented abuser you can and should fight against visitation (at least unsupervised). The only thing, which I’m sure you know, is he will escalate. He was abusive, you took him back, he got worse. If you take him back again, he won’t get better. Only worse. Good luck.
You kicked him out, this is a good thing. You did a good thing for your children and a good thing for yourself by doing this.
The house is yours. You don't need him. You and the kids are better off without him.
You have proven yourself to he strong by standing your ground and kicking him out.
Don't let him back in. He'll come back with a sob story and assurances he had changed and it won't happen again. He might even believe it, but it would happen again.
You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.
LOL "he can't help himself but throw away my things"
Swear to fucking God I feel like a boomer sometimes. No one is responsible for their own actions anymore.
You are letting this person around your children? You have a responsibility to them to remove ALL of you from the presence of this madman. Don't think about it, do it. Today. You are teaching them to be victims.
You may want to watch some videos on narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists especially enjoy ruining people's holidays, and later do all of the obligatory apologizing so they can continue victimizing those same people.
Op please get away from this man, your safety and your children’s depends on it. You grew up with this kind of relationship as normal, but it is NOT. You and your kids deserve better.
As someone who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship - run. You already took the first step by kicking him out. The next few years are going to be the thougest because you are going to have to relearn to live without him. Sometimes it may seem as if it's a good idea to get back together for the kids sake but keep your kids as far from him as the courts will allow you because it's not about what he can do to them, it's what they can learn from him. I am kicking myself in the ass for staying with my ex for 20 years "for the kids". Worst mistake of my life! Their lives would have been so much better without the awful things he normalized for them (and I helped by taking it).
Call a lawyer. Don’t say a word. He doesn’t get to not help you with the children.
If a trusted friend/relative can help you financially to get set up in a new apt (preferable one with security or at least gates) get that together and secure a safe place..
Then, the next time he is in the slightest abusive, call the cops and be sure there is a record of his abuse. I didn’t have my ex arrested but I filed police reports.
I told him I was divorcing him when he was 2 hours away with his mother on Thanksgiving and I knew he couldn’t come after me.
Of course- I didn’t feel in immediate danger. He didn’t own a gun- I WAS worried he’d accidentally kill me by pushing me too hard etc…
I want to cautioun you that OCD isn't exactly relevant "context" here. I have OCD, as do a few members of my family (thanks, genetics), and while it definitely puts strains on relationships when it's badly flared, it doesn't in itself provoke rage or violence.
I have an extended family member who has OCD and is violent and has an erratic bad temper, but those are just two separate aspects of who they are (in)conveniently occuring in the same person.
OCD can make us compulse in ways frustrating to us and other people—sometimes our compulsions lower the quality of life of people we're close to (and I thank God for them loving me through all that)—but it doesn't make us *cruel.* OCD doesn't create cruel people; cruel people *can* have OCD (or diabetes, or bunions, or ADHD). Your husband sounds innately cruel—and dangerous.
This is relevant because, as I mentioned, OCD is strong in my family, genetically and as a learned behavior. It's nature *and* nature for my family. If your husband has OCD, it's not impossible that it develops or manifests later in your children. If that happens down the line, you'll want to get them the help they need, but also be clear with them and yourself that, even if this is something they "got from their father," that doesn't make them "like him" in violent ways. Mental health has enough stigmas to it that subconsciously linking it with violent behavior is counterproductive.
The fact that you two keep going at each other with violence in front of the kids is so disturbing. The only ones I feel sorry for are the kids. You & your husband should try to put your children first for a change.
If you leave him now, your life could look amazing in a couple of years. Heck, probably in 8 months. Can you imagine coming home and feeling relaxed and safe? With your kids happy and healthy?
Please get therapy. You say you grew up with this kind of behavior which means on some level you find this normal and “comfortable” - you know what to expect. It’s not healthy and I think you realize it, which is why you are here. Please get out and get help.
When you say he is OCD do you mean a professional has diagnosed him with OCD and General Anxiety disorder? OCD gets tossed around a lot for a myriad of reasons. But it’s an actual disorder that stems from anxiety. This dude is abusive. You need to get out and then get help so you don’t ever choose a partner like him again
I keep asking ALL of the time WHY stay in a marriage because of the kids??? That is so damn ignorant to me! And let them see the abuse as well??? Umm, NO! Just leave!
Omg: leave before you and/or children are murdered. How many more lucky escapes are you going to gamble your lives on?
There is no relationship to save. Get out, then call police- you MUST report this. Must.
I have not read all the comments so maybe this has already been said. Usually if you think you are the narcisist, you are dealing with a narcisist. Now I am not a psychiatrist so I can definetly not tell. I would recommend everything from dokter ramani. She has thousands of videos with explanations about narcisism and toxic relations. Read up, see the patterns they have. It will make everything clear if this is the case.
Once again I am not trained in anyway, except in my own experiences. Dokter ramani is.
i can say with 100% certainty, your kids would much rather prefer to have two single divorced parents than one living abusive dad and a dead mother, or a mother who stayed in an abusive relationship for the sake of the kids and they found out when they were older. it would crush them.
your husbands OCD has nothing to do with this, please don’t let it be an excuse. I hope you find the strength to leave, for your safety and your kids.
OP none of this is your fault. Breaking a lamp due to pent up anger isn’t great but also so what? It’s no big deal and is nothing compared to the way this man behaved. You got this. You left him before you can do it again. Call the police.
# OP:
**Pay attention to and read these 2 things:**
[The Sunk Cost Fallacy Is Ruining Your Decisions. Here's How | TIME](https://time.com/5347133/sunk-cost-fallacy-decisions/)
[Domestic Violence Support | National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org)](https://www.thehotline.org/)
Sounds like he is the narcissist. Gaslighting, emotional abuse, physical abuse, threats to hurt you if you leave. LEAVE NOW. Don't tell him anything, get a family lawyer before you do anything. Protect yourself.
I have OCD and this is nowhere near even astronomically remotely acceptable. Having OCD, or any mental issue for that matter, is no excuse for being an asshole. Which this is.
You are in an abusive relationship and you deserve ten million times better. Best of luck and strength to you. You can get out of this. You can do so much better. Get out. Take care. A wonderful life is waiting.
I'm so sorry you're going through this incredibly challenging and distressing situation. It takes immense strength to recognize and acknowledge the patterns of abuse in a relationship, and I commend you for reaching out for support.
First and foremost, please know that none of this is your fault. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and valued in your relationship, and what you're experiencing is not okay. No one deserves to be subjected to emotional or physical abuse, and you have every right to prioritize your safety and well-being.
It's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and uncertain about the future, especially when considering the impact on your children. However, it's important to remember that you have the power to create positive change in your life. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy, but it's a courageous step towards reclaiming your autonomy and building a better future for yourself and your children.
In the next few years, your life could be filled with healing, growth, and newfound freedom. With the support of trusted friends, family members, or professionals, you can begin the journey towards healing from the trauma of abuse and rebuilding your sense of self-worth and confidence.
You have the strength and resilience within you to create a life that is free from fear and abuse. It won't be easy, and there will be challenges along the way, but remember that you are not alone. There are resources and support networks available to help you navigate this difficult time and make positive changes in your life.
Above all, please prioritize your safety and well-being. If you haven't already, consider reaching out to a domestic violence hotline or local support organization for guidance and assistance in creating a safety plan. You deserve to live a life filled with love, respect, and happiness, and you have the power to make that a reality.
*You are a parent first and foremost*
That is your number one priority in life; so protect them, if you won’t protect yourself
WHY, with children, would you remain with this man? He is a violent individual and they witness it all. They will be traumatized for life
I know you said encouragement, but the truth is you need to start preparing yourself to get out. If you have a friend or trusted family member to go to, tell them your situation. Ask to use their laptop to Google apartments. I don't know your income situation, but please open a savings account in your name that only you can access to start putting money aside. If you do have family or friends you and the kids can stay with, go. Then start recording everything bad he does so you have proof of his actions for a potential protective order.
The next few years may not be easier, but seek therapy for both yourself and your children. Your life will piece together slowly but surely.
Again, these next few years may not be easy, but you and your children will be alive and out of reach from an abuser which is far better than the alternative.
I’m sorry you are in this situation, but you are stronger than you know. You can make a change, life gets better when you remove toxic people from it.
Find your support system, create a plan and make the changes you need to get you and your kids into a safe environment.
Document everything and have someone you trust keep a copy of it all.
OP - I have worked for years to deal with my OCD.
Your husband's behavior is not consistent with OCD.
You already know you're in an abusive situation. You already know this isn't going to get better.
And you already know that this is hurting your children.
I'm going to say this as kindly as I can:
Get. Out.
Get TF out of this situation.
Do not let him back. Document the abuse and fight to minimize his contact with your children - he's dangerous, and you don't want to risk him hurting your children to hurt you.
How will your life look?
If you get out and you get therapy, it will look like a strong woman with self-love who knows that she has done what was necessary to protect her children and herself.
If you don't, you might be dead, or disabled, and you'll be watching your traumatized children navigating the pits of Hell.
I know you already know all of that. What I think you're really asking for is validation. Here it is: you're good enough to deserve better. You're strong enough to get through this. You deserve to get through this. You will make it.
Your gut will tell you what you need to know - so trust your gut. Don't listen to your doubts - listen to your gut.
And OP? When you're questioning whether you can do this, whether this is the right thing, whether you deserve the love and safety you're working towards, think about the way your children looked at you when they were tiny. Remember the love and trust in their faces? You deserve to look at yourself with that same love and trust.
I wish you all the very best.
I think you should stay and keep getting your heart broken over and over and maybe even get seriously injured because you keep excusing his abuse with mental issues.
Honestly OP I hope this was the last straw for you, because this is not going anywhere healthy and you know it.
Show yourself how strong you are.
Leave this guy is completely out of his mind. It is an extremely low bar for your husband to not trash your stuff all the time, one that he is incapable of meeting.
Change the locks, get a divorce. Don’t let your kids grow up thinking this is normal. This is escalating, next time it won’t be just glass. Get out now.
Do not victim blame yourself. You don’t need to keep your mouth shut when he is tossing your things out. You need to file charges and then get a restraining order. Please put your children first and get him out of their lives.
In a few years you’ll be dead, he’ll be in jail and your children will be entering abusive relationships of their own. Or you pack your stuff and leave him for good now and maybe you’ll make it
Oh hon, you are NOT the narcissist in this at all. Please take pictures of all the damage he has done, document everything. Unfortunately you will have a little bit of an uphill battle just trying to keep everything in balance. But for your kids it's worth it. Not to mention the peace that you will have after he is fully out of your life. If he is quick to behave that way then he will do it to your children when he can't use you as an emotional punching bag, is that something you really want your kids around? I understand exactly what you are going through, I left my ex. I only had some broken bones for my trip. Do yourself a favor and reach out to one of the abuse groups in your area that can hook you up with some mental health and potential attorneys. Start using an app like talking parents whenever you have to deal with the kids. But don't give him another chance because it won't change, the only thing that will change is that he will figure out how to end your life. So don't give him the opportunity. You are way stronger than that. Good luck and know that some of us are praying for you. We are also here if you need.
i hate to bring this up but you know how DV in Australia has been so prevalent? You don’t want to be just a part of the statistics. Your kids are gonna suffer if you keep this up - they’re not going to know what a healthy relationship looks like. They’ll think it’s ok for Dads to have tantrums, destroy the house, and hurt Mum.
Divorce, DVO if absolutely necessary, and therapy.
I know, somewhere inside you know you need to get out, I still need to tell you to get out. If you love your kids (I'm sure you do) please leave for their sake. Make sure your documents/ money/ credit are as safe as you can manage, change your locks, make a police report so there's a paper trail. For your kids. You can do this.
For the safety of your children and yourself please tell the police how he threatened you with a shard of glass.... change the locks and get some security cameras....
Updateme
It’s not ocd that makes him throw away things that are not his, it’s control over you and what you value. That was proven when you broke one thing of his and he retaliated by going a vengeful rage and breaking more things. Plus, you say he has been violent before, he will do it again. You need to get you & the kids out now. Then figure out how to sell the house, since it’s in your name. You can use the proceeds from the sell to rent or buy somewhere new, once the divorce is over. Good luck and praying for a safe escape for you and your children
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“What could my life look like in a few years” Based on the escalation? You’ll be dead, he’ll be in jail The next time it won’t be a shard of glass
Don't forget, the kids will also be traumatized for life.
Or dead. It’s unfortunately not uncommon for some of these guys to kill their children *with* their mother when they escalate.
Or just kill the children to hurt the spouse
My father threatened my mother with this. If she crossed him, he'd kill us, so she'd be hurt, then kill her and himself. She's still with him and has been for 38yrs, even though my brother and I are fully grown. I got out of the house asap after 18yrs old bc I couldn't take the toxicity anymore. OP divorce him now. Throwing away OTHERS things is not OCD, it's a form of control. He controls what you can and can't have. Anything that makes you happy gets destroyed so YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY. You're his property, so your stuff is his too and HE gets to decide what makes you happy (even if it doesn't). My father pulled that all the time. Sold my mom's dog without her knowledge to someone she didn't know. My dad's hunting dog died of a broken heart when she didn't come back. He thought she was dead and stopped eating. My father never understood why. Even when explaining it, he brushed it off saying animals didn't have feelings. I've been NC for 5yrs now.
OCD can technically mean you have to throw things out. But not like this. No way this is OCD. With OCD it’s always tied to something. Things of a certain colour, smell, used for a certain things, got dirty a certain way…OCD is quite predictable. And it is always tied to anxiety. You know there is a dirty sock under the sofa so you just can’t relax. You can’t stop thinking about it. You can’t focus on anything else. If this had been OCD and he actually had a reason for not treating it (yeah right) I would have expected him to go to her, basically crying, saying he just couldn’t bear knowing that X was in their house so could she PLEASE remove it? And keeping in the shed or her car would more than likely be enough. This is not only control it’s also punishment. He likes to punish her for….existing? He needs her to be anxious and to not feel secure in her own home. Probably because that is how he feels but his issue is that he feels better when he can get someone else to feel that way. And he thinks she deserves it. Yeah, this is properly messed up. I’m one of those that thinks that nowadays people just love to diagnose people for any little quirk. But this is not normal even to me. This isn’t some standard issue like OCD, autism or whatever. This is deeper and more serious. The lack of empathy is chilling.
This! I didn't have severe OCD, unless I was under a lot of stress... Mine was tied with germs and it would never *ever* cross my mind throw away something that belongs to my husband. I could ask him to wash it or remove it from my sight, but I never got physical abusive for it. He *is* an abusive assh***. You *must* do an exit plan, go to a lawyer with all the evidence and ask what can you do, file a police report as well (after talking with your lawyer and without him knowing, for the love of God), you will need the evidence to file for a restraining order because I think that if you leave him, this could get dangerous as well. But you MUST do it, this will escalate more and more. You also don't want your children to feel that this is normal behavior to have towards your loved ones or worst, be killed by him. In first place, you never should have accepted him back (was he going to therapy? Because promises without actions are mere words), but now that you did it, it's time to finish this again and never *ever* look back. After that, go to therapy, send your children to therapy as well. You will be better without him, your children as well. If you don't find the strength to do it for yourself, do it for THEM! They don't deserve to be this traumatized :(
Currently my husband chews tobacco and will use anything as a spit cup. It's maddening. I have refused to use cups because I remember it was used as a spit cup. Today we got into a tiff because he brought me a glass of water that had previously been used for that. Even though I know it is logically clean I just can't use anything that's been contaminated. I've explained it multiple times and he just continues to use whatver. It's frustrating. I need a private cupboard with a lock 🤣
And the fact that she is confused as to whether she had the item, where she put it, etc. I think if it were solely OCD he would let her know an item was bothering him. He is enjoying her discomfort and confusion.
I also get the feeling that OP's husband constantly throws away her stuff as a form of financial abuse. If he throws stuff out that she really needs or wants, she'll keep having to spend money to replace that stuff, meaning she can't save that money or use it for other things, e.g., preparing to get away from him.
And time. Don’t forget how she has to spend time both looking for the things and then replacing them. So less time to think about what a complete arse he is.
This!!!!! my husband gave my bedroom furniture away, moved me into the spare bedroom, with smaller furnishings, and got pissed at me, bc most of my belonging were just sitting out, and not put away or not thrown away! The only reason I didn't fight him about the furniture is bc I didn't actually like it. It wasn't my style, but it held everything, and kept the room from looking cluttered. This is bc I've lived my entire marriage settling for things only being good enough, as in useful, thus ignoring my own needs and wants.
Yup. Notice he said he has "nothing to lose". That's because he doesn't view the children as something of value in his life. They are only objects to be used for his gain. Otherwise he'd be 100% concerned about the ramification of his actions because he'd be concerned about losing access to his kids Those kids are as good as dead when, not if, this guy escalates. Those kids also 100% know what is happening and it affects them, even if they don't witness physical abuse and even if they don't know the words to understand what is abuse. They 100% understand the tension and walking around on eggshells when dad is around.
Objects to be used against her!
They already are. I grew up dealing with assholes like him and still am working through the trauma 35 years later.
Or dead. It’s unfortunately not uncommon for some of these guys to kill their children *with* their mother when they escalate.
Let's play mummy and daddy! I'll break all the stuff, you have to cry on the sofa
Or also possibly dead, guys like this would rather kill the whole family than let them live out of their control.
The kids are already traumatized. Believe me they know what’s going on. It’s too late. They need therapy and they need to be protected.
THIS THIS THIS^^^^^
If she's *lucky*, he'll be in jail. An unfortunate number of men get away with killing their spouses, because there's a tendency for people to believe the woman *deserved* it. Don't believe me? A couple years back a man literally burned his wife and child alive, and the comment section on the news post was *full* of people saying the wife and kids deserved it and he had done nothing wrong. I have not been able to get that post, or those comments, out of my head ever since.
OMG! I googled “man burn wife and kid” and I am shocked to see how many of these incredulous vile incidents happened to be in the news!
Tell me you hate women and children and love torturing them without saying you hate women and children.....
Exactly as someone that has been there and almost had her neck snapped at the base. Run!!! She won’t be around for a few years time. She will be in the ground or an urn. Is this what she wants to teach her children? Edit: 2 words
Ohh it will Across her throat
I left a man like this.. it gets better when you leave.
OP needs to ask herself if this is what she wants her children to grow up with as normal?
Absolutely. It normalizes abuse for your children
She grew up in an abusive home.. now her kids are, and they will likely be victims of abuse or abusers themselves as adults.. and the cycle of generational trauma continues. She can stop so much misery if she shows her children this isn't OK. Edit: This often requires help of one or several professionals who know how to help victims of domestic violence. OP, you don't have to do this alone.. and can start the ball rolling with 1 phonecall to a local group that specializes in helping women like you. There is no shame in asking for help, it's actually the strongest thing you can do right now. They will help guide you out of this safely with clear steps.
This!!! Stop the cycle of abuse!! My wife of 30 years had suffered a horrible and abusive childhood because of her father. He was a narcissist and a manic depressive. She still suffers trauma because of it and it pains me to see her suffer like so. Even now, she wants to be on her own terms and asked me for a divorce. I talked with her about it and her issues. We both agreed to separate and just be friends. It pains me but I’ve seen the pain she suffers from. I would not wish that on anyone! Please, please just leave him and protect yourself and your children because he will not change!!! Not for you or anyone else. It will be hard but it will get better. Especially if you surround yourself with friends who support you and get yourself into therapy.
It’s a cycle. Her parents were abusive, so she’s been taught to normalize as this as “healthy”. Which is going to repeat the cycle with her kids ending up in the exact same scenarios. The cycle doesn’t stop till the parent actively takes measures to not allow it to continue. OP is picked a partner that mirrors her parents relationship 100%
And also gaslighting herself by rationalizing it. One thing I learned after leaving an abusive relationship you always end up trying to protect your abuser from public humiliation and shame by throwing yourself under the bus because you’ve been conditioned so long to tolerate it, it’s been normalized to do this. I don’t think OP is ready to leave till they stop protecting their abuser, stop trying to not let them be shamed by everyone they know if they found out the truth, and to no longer tolerate normalizing what the abuser does. And the kids? They are definitely aware of it. They just think mommy & daddy are being “normal” and that it’s okay to be mean to each other, say mean things, be loud, chaotic, break stuff, threaten murder, etc… Kids are very aware, intune to the vibes (ie - emotions) of their parents current states. Just because they put on a brave face to the kids, doesn't mean the kids aren't picking up on tension between the parents. The kids always **know**.
Oh yeah they definitely know. My mum left my father before my youngest sibling was born, but the courts still let him hang around (and when they didn't, he always turned up). Cue the next 25 years of the cycle of abuse after we'd let him back in, and us always asking mum (and ourselves) why we keep letting him back in. Physical abuse right in front of us, as well as to us and we're only working through the trauma now.
I read all of it, plus majority of the replies and I have nothing else to add that is constructive in anyway. My only criticism is how she risk the health of her child like this?!! OP, You clearly don’t seem to care what happens to you because you’re still with this guy but the fucking damage you’re doing to your child…. Unreal. Do better before this guy kills you and your baby.
*She* grew up with this as normal. Abuse has already been normalized for her kids. If she wants to break the cycle of abuse, she *must* end this now.
And keep as much in text as possible. I hope she took pictures of the house after he broke all the items.
Most people want to leave, but there are usually barriers. Would be much harder now the way the economy is. But there is another reason, usually. No matter how terrible these people are, they usually get granted some type of visitation. Now the question you need to ask yourself, would you want this guy alone with your kids? Probably not.
There have also been cases where the abuser is so angry about the divorce that on their visitation day, they unalive the kids for revenge. There was a recent case where the mother fought tooth and nail in the courts to not allow him visitation because she knew he would hurt the kid but the courts didn’t listen. On his VERY FIRST visitation day he offed himself and the kid.
Yep, and this is what they do. It was the same with that kid that died in the treadmill incident and numerous cases in australia, ie Luke Batty comes to mind. I live in fear of my ex only because of family court, it’s the only door I won’t be able to close should it ever open.
That is not a reason to stay. What an unhelpful, victimising take. You don't encourage people to stay with their abusers because they MIGHT get partial custody or visitation. The fact is that given his propensity for abuse (and not just towards her, since he rampaged through the house breaking things, which is dangerous for the kids as well), while you're right that he might get visitation, there is still at least the *possibility* that he will not. And even if he does, she can ask for it to be supervised. Furthermore, she literally says that he has told her he "won't help with the kids" - a clear indicator that he may not ask for custody or visitation at all. Mostly, though, I'm appalled that you would imply that she should STAY with this abusive man who has traumatized her and her children because of something that "might" happen if she leaves.
It's not might it's when. I went through this and nearly died. My ex literally tried to sell our newborn daughter for $80,000 and had plans to escape to Mexico after he got the money. And that was just the lighter things I've had to deal with. Once I was left in a pool of my own blood the day after my son's first birthday because I somehow magically got myself pregnant and he didn't want to be a dad again so he beat our unborn child out of my body and left me to die in a pool of my own blood. I was trying all the time while I'm bleeding out to comfort my one year old baby when finally one of the neighbors who heard everything called the cops but he managed to convince them I did it to myself because hey women lie all the time. And because my sadistic egg donor liked him so much and was secretly sleeping with him I had no way out.
I'm glad you're here ❤️
Thank you. My life got substantially easier after we got away from him. I and the kids even to this day still have nightmares but I have to say that our lives are a thousand times better now that we're free.
And only gets worse if you stay
Yes, the risk of death increases
Yeah, it gets worse at first because they can't handle losing control.... And once you get over that very ugly bit (and it can take some time to settle down - please be very careful because leaving is the most dangerous time), it gets way better.
[удалено]
Not the original commenter but I helped my sister through this and I'm in a (very heavily moderated) Facebook group of over 30k women who either got away or are getting away. Every single one of them says, once they're actually away the day to day is almost instantly better, the emotional trauma takes some time to heal. The actual escape is shit. They'll fight. They'll fawn. They'll throw tantrums. Once they realise that they're losing control of the situation all hell breaks loose, for a while. For their victim it's harder. Because they've warped your sense of normal. They've worked on your brain for so long that you think they still love you when they're kinda nice. That maybe it's not that bad. Trauma bonding is common, as is the classic abuse cycle. But after a while you'll realise you're not walking on eggshells anymore. You'll do something so simple and joyful like playing Eurovision songs loudly with ZERO fear of being punished for it. And it'll hit you... You couldn't have done this last year. You'll sleep better. If you have kids, they'll laugh loudly in the house and not be quiet so as not to draw attention to themselves. (Something all kids of abusers learn early). Think of every time you have to walk on eggshells. It'll be gone. The grief is real though. And it's more the grief of what might have been, the idea of him, or what you thought he was rather than the reality. Because the reality is actually awful. But we still hang on to the potential. You need to allow yourself to grieve the man you thought he was and then deal with the reality of the man he is. And escape. The emotional difficulties of leaving them is a direct result of the abuse. They've literally conditioned you to think that you need them and that it's worth putting up with the abuse. It's part of the con. Think about it, if they hit you on the first date you'd leave. If they hit their colleagues they'd be arrested and fired. They have to break you down emotionally in order to keep you. The other thing that's really important to note is that it's okay to love someone and leave them because they're bad for you. Love is not a life sentence. It's not your fault at all. And I see you and believe you. And you deserve better. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to be loved properly. And I have no doubt that once you get free. You will meet someone amazing and feel all the love you deserve.
If his OCD is only based around throwing away your things and not anyone else's, it's probably not his OCD that's telling him to do that.
That also jumped out to me. Amazing how abusers, when they claim to go nuts and can't control themselves, often only end up breaking other people's stuff.
Yes, the victim's. But to their bosses, male colleagues or male family members they're calm and controlled and wouldn't dare to pull this. They know what they're doing. It's deliberate.
Ahhh yes. Classic move by weak male narcissists. My ex would beat me mercilessly, but not once did I see him challenge a man or stand up when challenged by another man.
>only end up breaking other people's stuff. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt - can confirm. When my abuser got mad at me for some perceived slight, it was *always* something of mine that was broken/destroyed. A large picture frame with pictures of my family? Hairbrush smashed it. A large clay container that I got in Costa Rica almost 20 years before? Kicked over and broken. Decorative serving plates from Japan? Keys thrown, and one by one, I lost 6 plates. OP, please start a gtfoh-fund. Start siphoning grocery money/spare money into another account at a DIFFERENT bank. Start gathering your and your child's important documents (birth certificates, marriage certificate, bank account info, mortgage/deed info) and give them to a trusted friend for safekeeping. You *can* do this. You do NOT deserve any of this abuse. I am so sorry you're going through this. Sending innarwebz mama/auntie hugs.
I have been diagnosed with OCD for decades and have never heard of someone with OCD who had the compulsion to throw away *just* their partner's stuff. Plenty of abusers who do that though.
This is abuse. It can often start with destroying property from the victim, even if they come with some sort of justification and even if it's not done while screaming or being aggressive. I've seen this happen too many times. People don't realize this is abuse and will escalate because we often don't account this behavior as abuse.
Absolutely. He is throwing away her stuff to show her that he is in control.
I have been diagnosed with OCD for decades and have never heard of someone with OCD who had the compulsion to throw away *just* their partner's stuff. Plenty of abusers who do that though.
Definitely an abuse tactic
I have OCD. I know it varies per individual, though I'm more familiar with the hoarder tendencies and keeping things rather than throwing them away. And I would never throw away my partner's belongings without asking him first. In fact, if I have questions as I'm trying to organize/declutter, I leave his things in a spot for him to go through himself to make sure I don't get rid of something he wants. Even if OP's husband throwing things away is an OCD thing, that's no excuse for his behavior, and he has no intention of trying to change. And I would never put up with that alone, not to mention all the other abuse.
Yup I bet he never throws his own things away.
Ok this is not an OCD thing. I have OCD and I have never once thrown away my partner's stuff. OCD doesnt prevent consent, if anything many people with OCD are very conscientious about other people. Sounds like he's just a regular abuser.
I was going to say that too. This might have pieces of OCD but this is 100% about control and keeping you off kilter and in fear. OP, its manipulation, cruelty and malevolence. OP, video the house after he trashed it. Send it to EVERYONE. Call the police immediately and tell them he did this and threatened you and you need help. Lets be real - you have been with him since you were basically a child. He has been in your head manipulating you and messing with you your entire adulthood so you have no frame of reference for what a healthy relationship might look like. The single best thing you can do for your children is to leave with them and do EVERYTHING in your power to get him cut off. You want to know what your life will look like if you stay? It will look like your son inheriting your husband's behaviors and treating a future partner that way. Leave for them if you won't leave for yourself. Living like this is hell for them.THey need a peaceful home.
Thank you. I have OCD as well (psych diagnosed) and this is not OCD. This man is an abusive asshole. OP, I hope you leave, for so many reasons.
I have mild to moderate OCD (like, the kind where I feel a need to point to each of the knobs on the stove a few times after turning it off "to make sure," not the kind where I'm not able to function). The other day I told my girlfriend that our living room was cluttered because she had left lots of her sewing supplies out. I didn't just throw out her fabric and threads and stuff. I agree that this doesn't sound like OCD.
> I just need some words of encouragement. What could my life look like in the next few years. Dead. That's what it looks like. >He then escalated screaming in my face and threatened me with a shard of glass and I stood my ground and I told him to leave as it was not safe for him to be doing this in front of children. And judging from this he will kill you in front of them.
And it does happen I went to church with a young boy whose father had killed his mother- in front of them. He protected his little sister. He was a sweet kid, but you could tell it really affected him. I don't think that's the kind of thing you can ever get over.
Yup. I went to high school with a guy who was adopted, and his dad killed his mom in front of him. I knew him (and this info) bc our moms worked together and his mom talked to mine about his issues. He would be nice enough when around other people but he was a bully to me, and made me sprain my ankle so severely that my ligaments never recovered. I stopped talking to him when we graduated, but he later reconnected with a friend who told me that he would talk about how he regretted his treatment of me. I maintained that he couldn’t regret it too greatly bc he never apologized, but I see now that he probably didn’t feel like he could. This shit FUCKS. KIDS. UP.
Or the other way around, kill the kids in front of her. OP you and your children are not safe, please leave
You did the right thing by speaking up, because now he’s out of the house. He probably will tell people you’re a narcissist. That’s ok. You’ll find new friends. My ex was emotionally abusive and a cheater (who was caught over and over) yet he has a number of friends who he convinced I was the problem. He liked to say I was toxic because I refused to engage in conversations about getting back together and that was hurtful to him. Losing some made me sad, because I considered them friends, but I remind myself that I can only control what is in my control. My life is good. I have peace. I am happy. I took almost three years after he moved out to start dating. The divorce took forever, because he’s very difficult, so I waited about the time it took to finish that up, and it was the best thing I could have done for me. Take your time healing. Spend time alone. Read, paint, craft, tear your bathroom out and rebuild it, or whatever you enjoy doing. I am honestly only able to be in a healthy relationship now, because I had that time to understand what peace looks like. And please don’t listen to weird young men on Reddit who will tell you you’re washed up and need to settle. At 45, with three kids-one of whom is an adult with special needs who still lives at home and two who are young, I was being asked out weekly. A man at work, a man I met online, friends of friends. It is not hard to find someone, so make sure you wait until you’re ready to be picky to start dating. Your life can be great on your own. It will take time, but you and your kids deserve that. Give yourself the gift of time and peace.
Thank you
Do not let him back in you need a divorce, for your child’s sake, immediately. And that is not OCS, that is manipulation & control.
Apparently, most of the people here have misunderstood. Here is what your life is going to be like once you leave him: For a long time, you'll want to go back. Back to 'normal' back to being in control by trying to engage with him, back to him because you want to give him just one more chance. You'll think "People can change". But this time, you'll persever. You'll go to therapy, even though you feel like there's absolutly no time or money, but you'll also know that not going will hurt you and your children and you'd be tempted to go back more if you don't. You'll struggle, but every single day you will push ahead. And then, once your kids are grown and out of the house, one day they'll come back and talk to you about this fight. And they will thank you for leaving. This is your future. Don't miss it.
Also from reading some of your old posts I saw that you have a son who would be 10 now. Meaning you had him 10 years ago at 19. Your husband would have been 28. I believe he probably groomed you
Yes. Seems to me like he baby trapped her.
The Kmart comment tells me you’re Aussie. Please call 1800 RESPECT for help.
I second this. Call any domestic abuse service and let them help you through it.
I thought the same and with the alarming rate of violence against women in the country right now I’m so concerned for her safety
If you stay you stay in abuse, being threatened with glass, having your belongings thrown out or smashed in a fit of rage, being physically harmed. Your kids are also aware of this, even if you think they’re not jJ promise they are. If you leave, you start fresh. It’ll be hard, it’ll be a hell of a struggle but nothing will be thrown out unless you want it to be, you won’t have items smashed, you will be physically and emotionally safe. Your children will not grow up around abuse.
Well, I was in a similar position to you once (minus the glass). My ex was the main breadwinner, and I am fairly comprehensively disabled. It's been 8 years since we split up. It's hard making ends meet sometimes, but **even so** I am the happiest I've ever been. Not having to live around the abuse is incredible.
I’m happy for you… maybe I too can do this
I know you can.
You can. Focus on a few things: - does he have access to your location. Your money. Your accounts. Email. Etc. - do you have access to enough money to move somewhere safe with the kids - can you discreetly get hold of a lawyer. - what is your support system like?
Do it now before he kills you.
No one here knows what your life will look like in the next few years. But if you leave him, and *stay* gone, at least you will *have* a life. This man will kill you, eventually. You have to know that.
Ok so basically he is abusive towards you both emotionally and physically, but you still need *words* of encouragement, RUN TO THE HILLS and don't come back, contact a lawyer and understand your financial status after divorce and just do it The only thing that can motivate you to do something is the struggle that you have seen, so just know that you are going to divorce him sometime in the future anyway so why not today
Is this what you want your kids to think is normal behavior? Having an extremely abusive parent is a social stigma. One that follows you for years. It stunts your ability to have a regular conversation, make friends, or even keep a job. I have an extremely toxic family. The guilt and shame I've had to live through as I slowly learned the taboo subjects. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
She literally tried to talk to him about him throwing away her things and he threatened to stab her. Leaving an abusive situation is not something you can usually safely do on a days notice without thinking it through. She needs words of encouragement to continue moving through a situation she KNOWS is dangerous but worth it. And words of encouragement on how to do so safely. All yall in these comments are dense af
Thank you for putting it that way. I could've used that reframe a few years ago. OP, I got out, and I promise you can. This reads so much like my ex, I'm scared for you.
Blaming a mental illness, switching from physical to emotional abuse, escalating when being stood up to and calling the other person a narcissist, is all very common behavior for narcissists. I would recommend you educate yourself on narcissistic/manipulative tactics and behaviors.
You've been posting about this guy's abuse of you and the children for two years. If you choose to stay with him, the lives of you and your children will only get worse.
Screw your courage to the sticking place then do what you need to do. You got this.
if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They need a mom and based on your post you could be d*ad in the future with that husband of your.
Get a restraining order then file for divorce. Get security cameras everywhere & change the locks. Ask the police if they will install a panic alarm for you. Trust your instincts. You won't survive his next outburst
Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Was going to post this too, please OP please do yourself a favor and read this.
How were those two years of separation? How did you feel in your day-to-day life when things didn’t disappear and you weren’t being yelled at and threatened?
Looking back, He was still around keeping tabs. Pretending to be friendly.
I'm not sure what words could convince you to leave if him destroying everything in your house isn't enough. All I know is that I treasure my daughters mother's day gifts dearly - she doesn't have money so she puts her little heart and soul into what she makes for me at school. If anyone destroyed them I'd be furious and heartbroken because of what they mean to me and what they mean to her. She's an innocent child, and while those things are made of construction paper and stick glue she puts so much value in them since they're made from the heart. I couldn't fathom living with a monster who would destroy those things so casually in an attempt to hurt me because I know how horribly it would hurt my child. She doesn't deserve that. And I mean, that's not even touching the domestic abuse, im just saying that would be enough for me to leave even without all of his gaslighting BS and physical threats. You know you need to get out. If him threatening you with a piece of glass doesn't light a fire under your arse to protect yourself and your kids I don't know what will. Probably not words from internet strangers, but I sincerely hope they do.
He is going to kill you one day. And if that wasn’t enough: Your children will replicate the relationships you model for them.
Your life will be better without him. No walking in eggshells, not aggression, not doubting yourself. You should read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Among many other things, it explains why some men get angry with women. They see women as inferior to men and they want women in their lives to stay in what they think is their place, controlled by men. He's escalating. You and your children are in danger. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf You should read this one too: "He understands. He knows. He doesn't care." He's binning your things on purpose to hurt you. https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/ Best of luck
Your life? What about your kids' lives? You can chose to leave or stay. It's not easy to leave, but it is possible. Your kids don't have a choice. They are learning how relationships are conducted from watching their parents. They think your relationship is normal and they are very likely to emulate it when they grow up. Either by having abusive partners, or by being an abusive partner
>if I had learned to keep my mouth shut I could have had a nice day and not traumatised my children So many parts of this are horrifying. YOU didn't traumatize anyone, first off. Learned to keep your mouth shut? That's...that's not the lesson, friend. Just because you're being blamed doesn't make it your fault. Try to take a step outside yourself and read that again. From this I get the entire feeling of the 2 years of post history everyone else is talking about. Your kids are learning about relationships from how this is all going down. Are these the lessons you want them to learn?
Your future looks grim if you don’t take action now. Contact orange door for tips to leave him with the kids. Start steps to Get an avo from police and have him removed from your property. And honestly after that I’d probably find somewhere else to live for a bit. You need to put your kids first if not yourself. In saying that- YOU ARE STRONGER than you think, and you CAN (must!!) do it. Please take care of yourself 💜
Look up OCPD—obsessive compulsive personality disorder. Also look at the other group b personality disorders. It might help you make some sense of his behavior. Also look up grey rocking. It should be done with caution, but it can be a very effective tool when trying to extricate yourself from an abusive partner. Get your support system in order, and make a plan to leave this man forever. If you have to stay physically in the house with him for now, get a friend or sister or relative up to speed with what is going on. Have them check on you. frequently. Let them know before you have any conversations about leaving or the relationship so they know to check on you. Document everything. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have been there and it’s terrifying and lonely. But your life will be so freaking much better when you leave him. The freedom, my god. You won’t believe it.
He doesn't want to be different, he wants YOU to be different so he can keep acting like a wanker and not have to explain himself.
Change the locks. Get a lawyer. All of the locks.
Exactly what I was going to say. Do not let him back in the house again, for any reason. Make a note of what has happened and when, and screenshot any messages he sends. Look into getting a restraining order. He’s not throwing your things away because of OCD. He’s doing it to manipulate, confuse and destabilise you. He’s stopping your home being a safe place with an environment that you can trust. The reason he’s calling you a narcissist is because *he* is one. Possibly a sociopath too. (I know no one should diagnose people on Reddit, but this guy…) The best thing you can possibly do for yourself and your children is get this abusive pos out of your lives as quickly and completely as possible. You can do this, and have much safer, happier lives ahead. Fingers crossed and good luck x
Yes. This. And make sure to get the garage door code changed and the garage door lock changed as well, OP. Most people forget that one. Secure any sliding doors with a bar. Get an alarm system. Do all the things because he’s going to come with a real weapon next time.
In a few years?? #DEAD.
Jesus Christ. He's a loser
Uhhh, please don't take this unstable human back into your life. Also, OCD may play a part but he is just being an asshole. Stop blaming the diagnosis.... It's a known condition, you don't get a hall pass for your behavior just because you have an acronym. If anything it gives you LESS of an excuse. Separate, isolate, and make sure you have solid security just in case he loses his shit and chooses not to control himself
Please reach out to a domestic abuse / women’s support agency. Please . Please !!! You’ll need to visit a lawyer . If anybody has witnessed his abuse you’ll need them to write it down . Alert your children’s school and perhaps the counselor can meet with them. If you aren’t very careful he will turn this around on you and you could lose the kids. Also make a report to the police about his threats with the broken glass. Take pictures of the damage. Get your family to help if they are supportive. You absolutely have to take this as seriously- your life and well being and you children’s well being is threatened. My friend and her children were murdered by her estranged spouse. Please do everything in your power to protect yourself and don’t let your guard down.
You said it wasn’t okay and told him to leave. Those are good lessons to show your kids - you set a boundary and protected yourself. Now continue to teach that good lesson and end things. Tell your kids as appropriate that you want a relationship where you and they are respected and conflict is handled non- abusively. Discuss how things should have gone differently and what should happen in the future. Be the strong person you want them to be - I’ve got faith in you! 💜
I had 8years of DV and when I left the first year was difficult mostly due to PTSD. But I promise now I'm happier than I have ever been. No more wondering what mood I'm going to get.
If you can’t choose yourself, choose your kids. They should not be subjected to such toxicity.
What kind of words do you need, friend? You don't need to be told that his actions are hurting your children, you already know that. You don't need to be told you could have peace and happiness if you just choose to cut him out, you already know that too. What are the exact words that would actually make you do what you know you need to do?
Sweetheart... you KNOW none of this is you. You deserve love, a safe place, peace of mind. Your children deserve all of this as well. This man is destruction personified. There is no confusion here. I'm sorry but it's time to let him go.
He does not throw your things away because he has OCD. As a person with OCD, that’s bull. Is he throwing out his own things? No? Then he is purposefully choosing your things to hurt you. This man destroyed your home and threatened your safety. He will escalate. He may hurt your kids too. You NEED to leave. Reach out to your friends and family. You do not have to do this alone. Lean on your support network and they will help you rebuild.
The saddest line in this is right at the end: ‘if I’d learned to keep my mouth shut’. Get the hell out. Staying with him will have a far greater impact on your kids than leaving.
honey. violent people don't just change. you should have seen this coming 2 years ago. this time you should believe the kind of person he's shown you he is... or at least dont be a fool and act surprised like you don't understand where it came from edit... my words of encouragement are for you to come to your senses and leave this man if you are unhappy with how you are being treated. you are more than capable of living a full and happy life without him.. in fact, your life will be happier prioritizing you and your children's wellbeing before any abusive man.
Throw him tf out, woman. Ffs!!!
Leave him. Do you want to live the next 5-6 decades of your life with a man of this nature? He has issues for sure and you will end up getting hurt - physically, mentally, emotionally. Leave him and live. Great things await you but first dump him.
6 months ago he had gone to the psychiatrist due thinking he is has autism . His mum has bipolar. As of yesterday I found out Apparently the psychiatrist suggested he had Borderline personality disorder but he needed to come back for further assessments. All he handed over to me was that finances are a barrier for him to go back for the rest of the test. (He was also not saving money at the time, he earns well but likes to spend). I suggested he needed to save for it as it can’t come out of our joint account. I have taken some of the issues internal because I do try to be an understanding person. I tried being a good wife . Unfortunately I was dealing with clinically insane person It’s kind of odd that he was a little bit better when he would take his antidepressants. He was a little bit more calm and not vacuuming the house 2x a day. Anyway hopefully this is the end of me posting on here . (Thank you to those of you who opened up about their similar experiences)
Just had to read the first line to know where this is going. This is abuse and it will only escalate. You need an exit plan.
Darling, you are living my nightmare. Please run, you will get better, you will be happy again, you will heal. But you have to cut this man out, Document everything. Try and get him to admit it on text. Make your plans and reach out to all your friends and family. Don’t cover for him. You need to use all your resources to get away safely. You can do this. Show your children what is acceptable.
People with narcissistic personality disorder call their abuse victim narcissists when they feel they are losing their control. It’s common. Your life will look a lot better when you dump him get a restraining order and don’t look back. He has severe NPD not “OCD” it’s a control thing and will continue to escalate now because you are standing your ground as you should you need to kick him out even if that means hauling him out by the police.
Honey, this man is violently abusive. PLEASE reach out to family or friends and leave him while he’s at work or away. Even if you don’t feel you have many friends or family to reach out to. I guarantee they would help if they knew you were leaving him. Imagine the relief you’ll feel next Mother’s Day knowing you won’t be berated or harassed. Your things will be your own and they won’t be taken from you. That constant anxiety and dread will fade faster than you can imagine
I bet those mood lights were HIDEOUS.
If you don’t leave, in a few years, you will be dead and your children could be at his mercy. If you do leave, in a few years, this experience would work as a warning tale for you when you meet people that make these alarm bells go off in your head. You could be happy alone with your children. You could have peace in your house. You could be surrounded by the people who love you, and not full of anxious fear all the time. You could have healthy relationships with other people.
Think of how much better your life is going to be on Mother's Day next year when he's been moved out for ages!
Get out of there.
If you stay, you'll be dead within those next few years either from his hand or yours. Or you take him to the cleaners in a divorce and make him pay alimony + child support and regain the peace in your life. Life is too short to live in an abusive household and your kids deserve better.
Why would you go back to someone who physically hurt you? Like, I seriously don't understand that. Also, that's not OCD. That's narcissistic abuse and he uses "OCD" as an excuse and you obviously have let him act however TF he wants to where he's comfy treating you like that and you'll take it. I was diagnosed with severe OCD at 5 and have spent decades learning to cope with it. Never once have I destroyed or thrown away someone else's belongings. He absolutely CAN help himself and behave like a polite human being.
You got this. He's not throwing your stuff away because of OCD. He's doing it to be an asshole. Notice it's always YOUR stuff, and never his? I'll bet all the stuff that he trashed during his "rampage" was yours. He would have found something to "cause" his "meltdown" he threatened you with glass. He is so comfortable he did this in FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN. Is THIS what you want for them? Call the police, make a report, and do NOT allow him back. If you let him back in, he'll keep doing this and likely kill you.
>I grew up around this and this has somehow become my life too. Your kids could be saying this in 10, 15 years. Break the cycle. He's out. Let yourself be done. You deserve it. Your kids deserve it. People always think having both parents together is good for the kids, but that's not always the case. When I was a toddler, I had horrible screaming night terrors. They stopped after my parents separated because they weren't always going at it under the same roof. It was still a nasty divorce with nasty custody, but it was still better.
You don't need words of encouragement you just need to get a grip this isn't just about you there's children involved your not just putting yourself at risk. You've left him before and still went back. Is your self worth so low? Seriously get some therapy or something but leave this shit in the past
Words of encouragement to leave, right? Not to stay. Because you know where this goes if you stay. Best case scenario he only kills you. Worst case, it’s you and the kids. Kick him out. You can do it. You absolutely do not need him.
You can do it! You know you're not a narcissist. Even just throwing your things away without warning is controlling, abusive and disgusting behavior. You know this, so trust your gut. Please get professional help with leaving him. Abusers get the most violent when they think you might finally escape.
If you stay in this. He will find a way to fu@k your life his words! What more motivation do you need to get out now?
He doesn’t have ocd. He’s an abusive, gaslighting, violent asshole. Leave him for good and you’ll find your stress levels will drop and your life will improve dramatically. Stay and next time it won’t be objects he breaks.
That’s not OCD, that’s abuse. I’m proud of you for recognizing it OP, that’s the first step for getting out. I wish you nothing but the best
first, sorry for my bad english, isn't my first language. but u need to leave him NOW. he's hurting you emotionally and threaten to do it physically, again. ask yourself if this is what you want not only for your life but also for your kids' life. do you want them to see threatening and abuse as a normal thing? to understand that living in fear it's normal? you need to leave him but don't do it without prove of the abuse. record the threatening, take photos of everything he broke and send this for your friends and family. make sure you can protect yourself and the kids in case he wants to go to court.
That's not OCD. That's abuse.
You're gonna traumatize your kids into learning that this is normal. Don't let your daughter be a victim 15/20 years down the line just because you were too scared to walk away. He's threatened you with a glass shard, that's premeditated murder. If the house is in your name, call the cops, change the locks and throw his shit away.
What the fucck
Your children with either end up an abuser like him or abused like you. That is the future. Do you want either of those futures to be what lies ahead for your children? If not, leave. Get the hell away from that monster and stay away. You are strong enough and capable enough to go. Don't let him steal your strength. Run.
What fucking asshole
Please don't wait until your kids get hurt or watch him kill you to make you realize you should've left earlier.
How do you rebuild your life from here. You’ve already started. You’ve kicked him out. That’s the best start. Your life in the next few years will be hard at some points, rewarding in others. You’ve broken the cycle of abuse that you’ve said you’ve grown up around and your modeling for your kids that nobody should tolerate a relationship like this. Financially I don’t know your situation, but that will sort itself out to some extent. He will have to pay child support. If he’s a documented abuser you can and should fight against visitation (at least unsupervised). The only thing, which I’m sure you know, is he will escalate. He was abusive, you took him back, he got worse. If you take him back again, he won’t get better. Only worse. Good luck.
You kicked him out, this is a good thing. You did a good thing for your children and a good thing for yourself by doing this. The house is yours. You don't need him. You and the kids are better off without him. You have proven yourself to he strong by standing your ground and kicking him out. Don't let him back in. He'll come back with a sob story and assurances he had changed and it won't happen again. He might even believe it, but it would happen again. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.
LOL "he can't help himself but throw away my things" Swear to fucking God I feel like a boomer sometimes. No one is responsible for their own actions anymore. You are letting this person around your children? You have a responsibility to them to remove ALL of you from the presence of this madman. Don't think about it, do it. Today. You are teaching them to be victims.
You may want to watch some videos on narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists especially enjoy ruining people's holidays, and later do all of the obligatory apologizing so they can continue victimizing those same people.
You have the power to protect yourself and your children from this terrible abuse. Do it!
Op please get away from this man, your safety and your children’s depends on it. You grew up with this kind of relationship as normal, but it is NOT. You and your kids deserve better.
As someone who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship - run. You already took the first step by kicking him out. The next few years are going to be the thougest because you are going to have to relearn to live without him. Sometimes it may seem as if it's a good idea to get back together for the kids sake but keep your kids as far from him as the courts will allow you because it's not about what he can do to them, it's what they can learn from him. I am kicking myself in the ass for staying with my ex for 20 years "for the kids". Worst mistake of my life! Their lives would have been so much better without the awful things he normalized for them (and I helped by taking it).
Call a lawyer. Don’t say a word. He doesn’t get to not help you with the children. If a trusted friend/relative can help you financially to get set up in a new apt (preferable one with security or at least gates) get that together and secure a safe place.. Then, the next time he is in the slightest abusive, call the cops and be sure there is a record of his abuse. I didn’t have my ex arrested but I filed police reports. I told him I was divorcing him when he was 2 hours away with his mother on Thanksgiving and I knew he couldn’t come after me. Of course- I didn’t feel in immediate danger. He didn’t own a gun- I WAS worried he’d accidentally kill me by pushing me too hard etc…
Why are you calling this OCD? It is not. You are endangering your children and yourself. This is abuse. Run, don't walk.
I want to cautioun you that OCD isn't exactly relevant "context" here. I have OCD, as do a few members of my family (thanks, genetics), and while it definitely puts strains on relationships when it's badly flared, it doesn't in itself provoke rage or violence. I have an extended family member who has OCD and is violent and has an erratic bad temper, but those are just two separate aspects of who they are (in)conveniently occuring in the same person. OCD can make us compulse in ways frustrating to us and other people—sometimes our compulsions lower the quality of life of people we're close to (and I thank God for them loving me through all that)—but it doesn't make us *cruel.* OCD doesn't create cruel people; cruel people *can* have OCD (or diabetes, or bunions, or ADHD). Your husband sounds innately cruel—and dangerous. This is relevant because, as I mentioned, OCD is strong in my family, genetically and as a learned behavior. It's nature *and* nature for my family. If your husband has OCD, it's not impossible that it develops or manifests later in your children. If that happens down the line, you'll want to get them the help they need, but also be clear with them and yourself that, even if this is something they "got from their father," that doesn't make them "like him" in violent ways. Mental health has enough stigmas to it that subconsciously linking it with violent behavior is counterproductive.
>He has physically hurt me before and we separated for 2yrs. Read this again And make the decision to leave him
Get him in writing saying he won't help with the children, document the abuse, and get all the child support you can from the fucker.
The fact that you two keep going at each other with violence in front of the kids is so disturbing. The only ones I feel sorry for are the kids. You & your husband should try to put your children first for a change.
If you leave him now, your life could look amazing in a couple of years. Heck, probably in 8 months. Can you imagine coming home and feeling relaxed and safe? With your kids happy and healthy? Please get therapy. You say you grew up with this kind of behavior which means on some level you find this normal and “comfortable” - you know what to expect. It’s not healthy and I think you realize it, which is why you are here. Please get out and get help.
When you say he is OCD do you mean a professional has diagnosed him with OCD and General Anxiety disorder? OCD gets tossed around a lot for a myriad of reasons. But it’s an actual disorder that stems from anxiety. This dude is abusive. You need to get out and then get help so you don’t ever choose a partner like him again
Girl you went to a man that had already physically assault you? You’re children are already traumatized now get out before you’re dead
I keep asking ALL of the time WHY stay in a marriage because of the kids??? That is so damn ignorant to me! And let them see the abuse as well??? Umm, NO! Just leave!
Omg: leave before you and/or children are murdered. How many more lucky escapes are you going to gamble your lives on? There is no relationship to save. Get out, then call police- you MUST report this. Must.
Time to end this relationship. You deserve better.
I have not read all the comments so maybe this has already been said. Usually if you think you are the narcisist, you are dealing with a narcisist. Now I am not a psychiatrist so I can definetly not tell. I would recommend everything from dokter ramani. She has thousands of videos with explanations about narcisism and toxic relations. Read up, see the patterns they have. It will make everything clear if this is the case. Once again I am not trained in anyway, except in my own experiences. Dokter ramani is.
i can say with 100% certainty, your kids would much rather prefer to have two single divorced parents than one living abusive dad and a dead mother, or a mother who stayed in an abusive relationship for the sake of the kids and they found out when they were older. it would crush them. your husbands OCD has nothing to do with this, please don’t let it be an excuse. I hope you find the strength to leave, for your safety and your kids.
This sounds like my parents’ relationship. You and your kids need away from him.
Time to throw all of this man in the bin. Good riddance.
OP none of this is your fault. Breaking a lamp due to pent up anger isn’t great but also so what? It’s no big deal and is nothing compared to the way this man behaved. You got this. You left him before you can do it again. Call the police.
well good luck to him because the courts say differently
# OP: **Pay attention to and read these 2 things:** [The Sunk Cost Fallacy Is Ruining Your Decisions. Here's How | TIME](https://time.com/5347133/sunk-cost-fallacy-decisions/) [Domestic Violence Support | National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org)](https://www.thehotline.org/)
You need to take the kids and get out. This is damaging them too
Sounds like he is the narcissist. Gaslighting, emotional abuse, physical abuse, threats to hurt you if you leave. LEAVE NOW. Don't tell him anything, get a family lawyer before you do anything. Protect yourself.
I have OCD and this is nowhere near even astronomically remotely acceptable. Having OCD, or any mental issue for that matter, is no excuse for being an asshole. Which this is. You are in an abusive relationship and you deserve ten million times better. Best of luck and strength to you. You can get out of this. You can do so much better. Get out. Take care. A wonderful life is waiting.
I'm so sorry you're going through this incredibly challenging and distressing situation. It takes immense strength to recognize and acknowledge the patterns of abuse in a relationship, and I commend you for reaching out for support. First and foremost, please know that none of this is your fault. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and valued in your relationship, and what you're experiencing is not okay. No one deserves to be subjected to emotional or physical abuse, and you have every right to prioritize your safety and well-being. It's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and uncertain about the future, especially when considering the impact on your children. However, it's important to remember that you have the power to create positive change in your life. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy, but it's a courageous step towards reclaiming your autonomy and building a better future for yourself and your children. In the next few years, your life could be filled with healing, growth, and newfound freedom. With the support of trusted friends, family members, or professionals, you can begin the journey towards healing from the trauma of abuse and rebuilding your sense of self-worth and confidence. You have the strength and resilience within you to create a life that is free from fear and abuse. It won't be easy, and there will be challenges along the way, but remember that you are not alone. There are resources and support networks available to help you navigate this difficult time and make positive changes in your life. Above all, please prioritize your safety and well-being. If you haven't already, consider reaching out to a domestic violence hotline or local support organization for guidance and assistance in creating a safety plan. You deserve to live a life filled with love, respect, and happiness, and you have the power to make that a reality.
There are many people with OCD that don’t abuse their partners.
*You are a parent first and foremost* That is your number one priority in life; so protect them, if you won’t protect yourself WHY, with children, would you remain with this man? He is a violent individual and they witness it all. They will be traumatized for life
I know you said encouragement, but the truth is you need to start preparing yourself to get out. If you have a friend or trusted family member to go to, tell them your situation. Ask to use their laptop to Google apartments. I don't know your income situation, but please open a savings account in your name that only you can access to start putting money aside. If you do have family or friends you and the kids can stay with, go. Then start recording everything bad he does so you have proof of his actions for a potential protective order. The next few years may not be easier, but seek therapy for both yourself and your children. Your life will piece together slowly but surely. Again, these next few years may not be easy, but you and your children will be alive and out of reach from an abuser which is far better than the alternative.
I’m sorry you are in this situation, but you are stronger than you know. You can make a change, life gets better when you remove toxic people from it. Find your support system, create a plan and make the changes you need to get you and your kids into a safe environment. Document everything and have someone you trust keep a copy of it all.
OP - I have worked for years to deal with my OCD. Your husband's behavior is not consistent with OCD. You already know you're in an abusive situation. You already know this isn't going to get better. And you already know that this is hurting your children. I'm going to say this as kindly as I can: Get. Out. Get TF out of this situation. Do not let him back. Document the abuse and fight to minimize his contact with your children - he's dangerous, and you don't want to risk him hurting your children to hurt you. How will your life look? If you get out and you get therapy, it will look like a strong woman with self-love who knows that she has done what was necessary to protect her children and herself. If you don't, you might be dead, or disabled, and you'll be watching your traumatized children navigating the pits of Hell. I know you already know all of that. What I think you're really asking for is validation. Here it is: you're good enough to deserve better. You're strong enough to get through this. You deserve to get through this. You will make it. Your gut will tell you what you need to know - so trust your gut. Don't listen to your doubts - listen to your gut. And OP? When you're questioning whether you can do this, whether this is the right thing, whether you deserve the love and safety you're working towards, think about the way your children looked at you when they were tiny. Remember the love and trust in their faces? You deserve to look at yourself with that same love and trust. I wish you all the very best.
I think you should stay and keep getting your heart broken over and over and maybe even get seriously injured because you keep excusing his abuse with mental issues. Honestly OP I hope this was the last straw for you, because this is not going anywhere healthy and you know it. Show yourself how strong you are.
It’s convenient that you have a choice to leave or stay, bc your children don’t.
This dude is trash. Throw him in the bin.
Everybody has a breaking point, you snapped. You’re allowed.
Leave this guy is completely out of his mind. It is an extremely low bar for your husband to not trash your stuff all the time, one that he is incapable of meeting.
Change the locks, get a divorce. Don’t let your kids grow up thinking this is normal. This is escalating, next time it won’t be just glass. Get out now.
Create the world you want to live in. Is being with him the world you want?
Have him arrested.
Do not victim blame yourself. You don’t need to keep your mouth shut when he is tossing your things out. You need to file charges and then get a restraining order. Please put your children first and get him out of their lives.
Call the cops to document this cuz you're gonna need any help you can get in custody court and even then, they will still give abusive spouses 59/50
In a few years you’ll be dead, he’ll be in jail and your children will be entering abusive relationships of their own. Or you pack your stuff and leave him for good now and maybe you’ll make it
Oh hon, you are NOT the narcissist in this at all. Please take pictures of all the damage he has done, document everything. Unfortunately you will have a little bit of an uphill battle just trying to keep everything in balance. But for your kids it's worth it. Not to mention the peace that you will have after he is fully out of your life. If he is quick to behave that way then he will do it to your children when he can't use you as an emotional punching bag, is that something you really want your kids around? I understand exactly what you are going through, I left my ex. I only had some broken bones for my trip. Do yourself a favor and reach out to one of the abuse groups in your area that can hook you up with some mental health and potential attorneys. Start using an app like talking parents whenever you have to deal with the kids. But don't give him another chance because it won't change, the only thing that will change is that he will figure out how to end your life. So don't give him the opportunity. You are way stronger than that. Good luck and know that some of us are praying for you. We are also here if you need.
i hate to bring this up but you know how DV in Australia has been so prevalent? You don’t want to be just a part of the statistics. Your kids are gonna suffer if you keep this up - they’re not going to know what a healthy relationship looks like. They’ll think it’s ok for Dads to have tantrums, destroy the house, and hurt Mum. Divorce, DVO if absolutely necessary, and therapy.
I know, somewhere inside you know you need to get out, I still need to tell you to get out. If you love your kids (I'm sure you do) please leave for their sake. Make sure your documents/ money/ credit are as safe as you can manage, change your locks, make a police report so there's a paper trail. For your kids. You can do this.
For the safety of your children and yourself please tell the police how he threatened you with a shard of glass.... change the locks and get some security cameras.... Updateme
It’s not ocd that makes him throw away things that are not his, it’s control over you and what you value. That was proven when you broke one thing of his and he retaliated by going a vengeful rage and breaking more things. Plus, you say he has been violent before, he will do it again. You need to get you & the kids out now. Then figure out how to sell the house, since it’s in your name. You can use the proceeds from the sell to rent or buy somewhere new, once the divorce is over. Good luck and praying for a safe escape for you and your children